ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ʜᴇᴀᴠᴇɴ ɪ’ʟʟ ʙᴇ ꜱᴇɴᴛ ᴛᴏ (ɪꜱ ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪ’ᴍ ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʏᴏᴜ)
Pairing: Stucky/Stevebucky
Summary: it’s a lament I guess
Warnings: talks of abuse and domestic violence, child abuse, religion is heavily mentioned, religious imagery(???), death, sadness, homophobia, internal homophobia, slight mention of suicidal ideation. Let me know if more needs to be tagged.
When he fell off that train, James Buchanan Barnes died. When James Buchanan Barnes’ empty grave was filled with dirt, he was truly gone.
Steve would never see him again. He would never see his perfectly styled—‘but casual,’ Bucky had always reminded him—hair again. He would never stare into those beautiful steel blue eyes again. He would never bundle into Bucky’s warmth during the cold winter nights in Brooklyn in their occasionally shared bed. He would never smell that familiar scent, the pine trees with a hint of sandalwood and something else that was so inherently Bucky.
He would never feel the soft and warm touch of Bucky’s fingers against his chin as he helped Steve shave a spot he’d missed. Not that he grew much facial hair anyway. But he liked pretending that there was something to shave.
These days, he’s positive that he could grow a beard or a mustache if he really wanted to. Product of the Serum.
He doesn’t know how he feels about the Serum anymore. It feels like everything that came from it came with a price.
He can grow a beard now, but he has no hair on any other place on his body beside his head. And that’s literal; the only hair he has—his scalp, his brows, his lashes, his potential beard, and even his ear and nose hair.
He got what he wanted, too. A strong and healthy body. Strength. Speed. Quicker healing.
But the price for that was higher, too. He lost what he actually cared about. Bucky. His home in Brooklyn. Bucky. His peace. Bucky. Occasionally, his morals, too. Like when he was so eager for revenge on HYDRA. And he lost Bucky, too.
He didn’t know why he kissed Peggy. Part of him thinks that he did it because he thought he was expected to. But it wasn’t like he was in front of a crowd with the Star Spangled Singers, so who was he performing for?
Another part of him thought he was doing it because he liked her. Which he did, that wasn’t a complete lie. She was pretty, and smart, and confident. And she seemed to like him enough. And even before the Serum, she liked him more than any other woman had besides his mother.
His Ma. He missed her. And he missed Bucky.
Even after his Ma died, he saw her everywhere. He saw her in the 40s, in the nurses who worked with the 107th after he rescued them. He saw her in some of the girls who danced on stage with him, their sparkling eyes and mischievous grins and their soft hands and faces when they were worried about him.
He saw her in the future, too. He saw her in pots of coffee, he saw her in mothers watching their children who sat next to him on the benches at the park as he was sketching the birds, he saw her in himself sometimes, too. In his blond hair, in his sense of right and wrong. Sometimes he felt like he was losing that.
But what seeing her in all of these places taught him was that even after people died and went to Heaven or wherever people go when they die, (Steve wasn’t really sure anymore, not after what he’d seen) they weren’t really gone.
He didn’t know if Heaven was real or not. He was raised Catholic, and even if his Ma couldn’t afford to feed herself some nights, she did make sure he got to go to church. When he was thirteen, he had a phase where he really didn’t want to go.
And his Ma didn’t make him go. He was lucky like that; some kids he knew (or knew of, he didn’t have very many friends during that time of his life) had rebelled against their parents and didn’t want to go, and their parents would beat them as a punishment.
His Ma never hit him. Intentionally, that was. Of course, she’d bumped into him a few times, but she’d never hurt him on purpose.
He knew Bucky’s dad beat him. Not all the time, only when he’d done something his father deemed ‘bad’ enough. Bucky didn’t like to talk about it.
In the future, such things are considered abuse, and people care about it. People can and do go to jail for it, now. Steve was glad.
He ended up going to church again a few weeks after the phase started and inevitably finished. He believed in it enough, and he knew it made his Ma happy.
But even so, it all didn’t seem to stick after he came out of the ice. He didn’t know if there was a God or not, but he guessed he’d find out later, right?
But it wasn’t just his Ma who’d he see in things. He’d see Bucky, too. He’d see Bucky in little boys who were pushing their sisters on the swings at the park, he’d see Bucky in guys who went to comic book stores and other ‘nerdy’ places.
He saw Bucky’s curious mind in Bruce, he saw his stress for the people he cared about in Tony. He saw him in Nat, who cared about him and his health. He saw him in Wanda, who cared and stressed so deeply about the world it occasionally gave her headaches or made her sick. He saw him in Pietro, too, when the kid was still alive. In Pietro’s charm, his flirtatious nature when he talked to the Sokovian girls he saved.
He saw his loyalty in Sam. He saw his marksmanship in Clint. He saw his cleverness in Scott.
He saw his intelligence in Thor. Just like Bucky, Thor was really, really smart. People would assume that he wasn’t due to the fact that he was Asgardian and not from Earth, or because he’s so handsome that even if he was as dumb as a rock it wouldn’t matter.
People in the forties knew Bucky was smart, he was well educated and he talked like he was smart, along with the fact that he knew a lot about a lot of things. He had to be smart to be a sniper.
But people never knew just how smart Bucky was. Bucky was much smarter than Steve ever was, and likely ever would be.
In that awful museum exhibit, they have a few small bits about him and Bucky. Not enough to show how much they meant to each other, and on that Steve was sure. They didn’t even talk about his Ma, besides mentioning that he was born to her. They had messed up her name, too. That made Steve angry. Not even angry, enraged, really.
His Ma was his biggest influence, one of the most important people in his life and not only did they not even care enough to talk about her, but they messed up her name. Her name was Sarah Rogers, not Sara Rogers.
It wasn’t the only error. A popular belief about him was that his birthday was July 4th. That wasn’t true. It’s what he’d said on one of his enlistment forms. Just like he changed his city and state, he’d changed his birthday, too. It would make it easier if he was caught. Nobody would believe that that many Steve Rogers were born on the same day.
His real birthday was December 22nd. Nobody alive knew about that. The Howlies didn’t, Peggy didn’t, Commander Phillips didn’t, nobody did. Except for Bucky. And that secret was buried in his empty grave. None of those historians would’ve known it. Those historians sure liked to focus on him and Peggy, though. He didn’t know how he felt about that.
He only kissed her once. Which, he guessed, meant a lot, considering he didn’t kiss very many people.
If anyone asked him about his first kiss, he’d say it was a girl from Brooklyn. He made up a name for her and everything. Charlotte Darlene. He wasn’t sure if Darlene was meant to be a second first name or a last name, but nobody ever asked, so it didn’t matter.
But that was another lie about him. There were a lot of those, he realized.
The truth is that his first kiss wasn’t Charlotte Darlene. It wasn’t a girl from Brooklyn, either. It wasn’t a girl at all.
It was Bucky.
Bucky was a lot of Steve’s firsts. He was his first best friend, his first kiss, his first Coney Island buddy, he was his first housemate, and he was the first person to destroy him, too.
He could remember that kiss. That was the worst part.
They were having a sleepover at Steve’s house. His Ma was at work, she was wouldn’t be home until late. They’d built a pillow fort in front of the couch using it, its cushions, and the sheets off Steve’s bed. It was small, so the two 14 and 15 year old boys were pressed up against each other. They were talking about something stupid, like girls in their class that they liked.
Bucky was talking about how there was this pretty girl, Nancy Laurel, that he had a crush on.
Nancy Laurel was a pretty girl. She was thin, and her family was well off. So was Bucky’s, but then again so was nearly everyone compared to Steve. Nancy’s eyes were a bright blue, like the sky or the ocean on a sunny day. Her skin was pale, but when she blushed it made her cheeks a beautiful pink. Her hair was blonde, always neatly styled in soft and gentle waves or curls.
The air in the small blanket and pillow fort was hot from their laughter, and as they quit laughing for a minute, they just smiled at each other. Steve could remember what Bucky looked like, his cheeks a light pink and his smile wide. His eyes sparkled, and they were so beautiful it made Steve want to ask God to strike him down right then and there.
That was when Bucky quickly leaned in and kissed him. Steve knew he intended it to be a quick peck, but something made Bucky linger there for a minute before he pulled away.
Both boys stared at each other again. But this time, it wasn’t a small pause in conversation filled with bright smiles. It was a sense of fear shared between them. He could see the shame and instant regret on Bucky’s face; the poor boy looked like he was seeing the devil at that very moment.
Steve didn’t think he looked like that. All Steve felt was shock, and a hint of fear. That was wrong, and he knew it was wrong. Boys don’t kiss boys, boys kiss girls and fall in love with them and get married and have kids. That was that.
Steve didn’t believe in that anymore, nor did he ever really believe in it back then.
“I’m sorry,” Bucky’s eyes watered. “I’m sorry.” And then he rushed out.
It was a Friday night that night. Bucky and Steve didn’t talk until the following Monday, where Steve hoped he was making it clear that he just wanted to forget about it and pretend it never happened. And Bucky seemed to agree, because the 17 year old boy never brought it up again.
They didn’t have any more sleepovers until the following month after that. It was December when that happened. Steve’s last sleepover as a 16 year old boy was the most memorable one he’d ever had.
Steve found his grave a couple of months after the Battle of New York. He was buried in Brooklyn. His grave was nice enough. He was buried in front of an angel statue. She was a beautiful angel, with her head tilted slightly down as she looked upon the graves. Particularly, upon Bucky’s empty one.
“I see him everywhere,” He told Natasha as they stood on the roof of a HYDRA building they’d just cleared out. She said nothing at that.
“I don’t know what I’m gonna do. When we find him.” He confessed. She looked at him, a knowing look in her eyes.
“You’ll figure it out. I’m guessing you’re not going to hand him to the authorities? Or the government?”
“Hell no.” He huffed out a laugh. “I..I can’t force him to stay. But if he agrees to go back to the states with us, I’ll let him stay with me. Like we did back in the forties.”
“Steve.” She hummed, and he looked at her. She held his gaze as she continued. “I know you want to have him back. But the guy you’re looking for is not the same guy who fell from that train. I know you want him to be, but he will never be that again.” Natasha Romanoff was a good friend. She was a good friend because she was honest. Even if sometimes he didn’t want her to be.
He looked back out towards the woods the building was concealed by. He tried to ignore the stinging in his eyes and the burning in this throat as he answered.
“I know.”
There was silence after that.
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well, first of all yaaaaay again!! <3 if you feel like it (but only if you feel like it), you could write me some SteveBucky (obviously) in the 40s or something, with mutual pining and super happy ending :) I don't know how detailed you'd like me to go with this, but basically I'm happy with anything vanilla <3
Thanks so much still darling 💕💕 Sorry this took approximately 500 years to fill 😅 I hope you like what I came up with <3
It never gets easier. Sitting at home in their tenement, waiting for Bucky to come home while he's out with the girl of the week. It's slowly killing Steve. It hurts more than any physical ailment that plagues him. And he can never tell Bucky. No. Telling him means losing him, means risking it all. While Steve is not above risking his life for the things he believes in, when it comes to helping people find justice, he can’t risk this. He's not an idiot. Bucky is the most important person in his life aside from his mom. He can’t lose him.
So he waits at home. Waits until Bucky stumbles through the door, the smell of alcohol still on his breath. He helps Bucky out of his clothes and doesn't let his hands linger the way he desperately wants to. Then he guides Bucky to his bed and covers him in blankets, makes sure he drinks a bit of water before his eyes drop shut. And then the next weekend it happens all over again.
They don't talk about it. Not about the lipstick stains on Bucky’s shirts, not about the fact he drinks this much, not about the fact that it's always Steve he comes home to. Steve doesn’t dare. He can’t bring this up. He can’t. He doesn’t ask questions he doesn’t want to know the answer to.
Then one night Bucky comes home from the dance hall and decides it's time to talk, apparently. He's drunk and he's slurring his words and he won't stop looking at Steve like he's something precious, something holy.
Steve doesn’t know how to deal with that gaze.
"I love you, you know?" Bucky says.
Steve looks away. "You're my best friend, too, Buck," he says softly.
Bucky grabs his arm and pulls him closer. "No. I mean I love you. I love you so damn much Stevie. You're so goddamn special. Thank my lucky stars each night that you notice me at all."
"You're drunk. I'm not one of your damn girls Buck."
"I know, sweetheart, I know. Always wish it was you out there with me. I know you don't like dancing, doll, and that's fine by me. Just wish I could love on you. You're pretty and you're smart and I wish I was half as good as you," Bucky rambles, "and it's okay if you don't feel the same. It'll break my heart but I'll handle it. You're everything to me. Just wanna make you happy."
"Do you mean this or are you just drunk?" Steve’s voice shakes.
"I mean it, Stevie baby. I never meant anything more. I'm not that drunk, I swear," Bucky says. He rubs his thumb over Steve’s skin. "Tell me, doll. Do you feel the same?"
"I do," Steve says. "Thought you could never love me. You're always out with your girls. And I'm just plain old me."
"Don't be insulting," Bucky says, "you're the best guy in the world. 'M lucky to have you around. Thought you couldn't love me either. Thought you'd prefer one of your art pals."
"Buck. It's always gonna be you," Steve says. "Always."
"Till the end of the line," Bucky says.
"Till the end of the line," Steve repeats.
Then they kiss for the first time and it's like a cold drink in the summer sun, like coming home after a long day, and fireworks on the 4th of July. This love will last forever.
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hi kieeer! tell me about some of your favourite stevebucky headcanons 🥰
hi bestie @t4tstevebucky ☺️ oh boy i've accumulated a lot over the past 8 years
i love non-serum disabled steve so much, he's so important to me. also love for him to be a trans man because. he has a hard time not being envious of other trans men who really fill out and get a beard on T since he stays small and can't grow a beard, but he does love his deep voice. bucky makes sure to show how much he loves steve's body tho 💖
disabled steve has ehlers danlos syndrome (a connective tissue disorder) which is a cause for his chronic pain, fatigue, and weak knees. i like to envision him with a cane :')
steve is red-green colorblind, and learned art through graphite and charcoal, so those will always be his favorite, but he also enjoys oil paints. he paints in monochrome shades of blue so he can see it and it's a bit more unique than black and white. in every medium bucky is his muse, and so many of his pieces and practice center on bucky.
with the serum, steve is still trans and the serum amplified what's on the inside and made him more masculine. before, he had been training his voice to be lower, and he didn't have much in the way of breasts so he could get away with hiding his transness (he pretended to be a relative once he went stealth to avoid discrimination from people knowing his past self back in the 40s)
bucky is of course shocked by the transformation, but when steve explains how it happened he's so fucking proud and happy for him.
when bucky was in wakanda steve would visit him when he could, and they slowly started rebuilding their connection. bucky cried with steve once his conditioning with broken, and steve let himself cry too. that was the first time they held each other since the war. from then on that's how they greeted each other and said goodbye when steve would visit. (the hug in infinity war was way too casual to be their first time hugging since way back when)
in one au, their first kiss was in wakanda after crying together. they were so relieved and happy and steve was so overwhelmed by having bucky in his arms again that he held bucky's face and wiped away his tears and they just gazed at each other for a beat, then bucky surged forward and kissed steve. steve was so shocked that this was really happening, but quickly kissed back. he cried the whole time, and they just held each other for a while afterwards.
i could go on forever but i need to get back to work lmao. i love these two so much 💖💖
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Stevebucky Non-Fiction Rec List
I read a lot of non-fiction about the 20s, 30s, and 40s because I’m obsessed with Lindy Hop and jazz, so if you’d like a broader historical context for the NYC of Steve and Bucky’s youth, here’s my ongoing list! Also featuring info about WWII. I’ll be expanding as I read more books
Music, Dancing, and Nightlife in NYC from the ~1920s-1940s:
Blues Legacies and Black Feminism: Gertrude Ma Rainey, Bessie Smith, and Billie Holiday (1999) - Angela Y. Davis
Swingin’ at The Savoy: The Memoir of a Jazz Dancer (1996) - Norma Miller and Evette Jensen
Blues People: Negro Music in White America (1963) - Amiri Baraka
Swing Shift: “All Girl” Bands of the 1940s (2000) - Sherrie Tucker
This one isn’t specifically about NYC, but very interesting to learn about war-time America! This is basically a history textbook, so be aware of that if you dive in
Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay World, 1890-1940 - George Chauncey
The Weary Blues (1926) - Langston Hughes
This one isn’t non-fiction, but it’s amazing and gives you the perfect understanding of what the nightlife in Harlem felt like
WWII Battlefield Sociology and History:
Blitzed: Drugs in the Third Reich (2017) - Norman Ohler
Hitler’s Willing Executioners: Ordinary Germans and the Holocaust (1996) - Daniel Jonah Goldhagen
An important look at the rise of fascism/antisemitism and the everyday person. Here’s a review of the book and its reception from Boston University
Storm of Steel (1920) - Ernst Jünger
This book is actually about WWI, but it’s fucking crazy. It’s a memoir by a German soldier that was having a fucking blast on the battlefield. Very harrowing read, great to learn about what life was like on the front lines.
Coming Out Under Fire: The History of Gay Men and Women in World War II (1991) - Allan Berube
I haven’t read this one yet, but it’s on my TBR!
Night of the Assassins: The Untold Story of Hitler's Plot to Kill FDR, Churchill, and Stalin (2020) - Howard Blum
Bonus! Documentaries:
Jazz (2001) - Ken Burns
The U.S. and the Holocaust (2022) - Ken Burns
Baseball (1994) - Ken Burns
Defying the Nazis: The Sharp’s War (2013) - Ken Burns
Jackie Robinson (2016) - Ken Burns
The War (2007) - Ken Burns
Yes, I have a Ken Burns addiction, please do not @ me. I know I’ve watched more docs from people that are not Ken Burns, I’ll add them as I think of them.
If anyone needs someone to consult with about their pre-war/WWII-era stevebucky fic, please let me know, I love talking about history, especially NYC nightlife
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