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straystars-and-planets · 8 months

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music when the moon rises

music major!Bang Chan x music major!reader (part 1)

CC (Campus Couple): [acronym] a couple who attends the same university.

Synopsis: Chan is well known, both on campus and within the music school: genius producer, member campus rap group 3RACHA, a fantastic vocalist, and somehow friends with someone from every department/major (and handsome with the cutest dimpled smile, not that you were looking). What happens when you happen to run into him after a late night practice session?

a/n: hi this is my first work I'm posting for skz (and k-pop in general) Just trying to give everyone a taste of my writing style, I have more installments for all the members in this campus couple series coming up + a few more wips for later!

wc: 1.68k (oops) of bang chan hcs (because I can)

tags: non-idol!au, college/university au, domestic fluff, fluff, sleep deprivation/staying up super late (sleep is important everyone!!!)

cw: implied fem!reader, mentions of anxiety/stress relating to school/grades, cursing/swear words (both reader and chan use curses liberally + let chan say f*ck)

masterlist | series masterlist | taglist form | part 2 (coming soon!)

💜 reblogs are appreciated + constructive feedback welcome 💜

Virtually everyone on campus has at least heard of Chan. Musical wunderkind, has seemingly performed in every ensemble (orchestra, choir, band, jazz, chamber music, you name it, he’s probably played in it).

Also part of the iconic rap trio 3RACHA, any time there is a concert on campus they’re either one of the main acts or opening for a guest artist.

Chan has also individually released a few mixtapes SoundCloud, is very excited because he now has an EP on Spotify too! Some of his songs have made their way onto party playlists. Needless to say, this man is everywhere and seems to know everyone and anyone on campus.

You’ve bumped into Chan a few times, either in classes or in the hallways between rehearsals. He sometimes flashes you a friendly smile whenever he sees you in passing, but other than a few “hi’s” and “hello’s” the two of you haven’t spoken much.

It’s a few weeks into fall semester and you are already irritated with the lack of practice space. Your dorm has zero (if not negative) sound insulation so you can’t really use it to practice your instrument.

Unfortunately there are only a few practice rooms available on campus, and no matter what time of day they all seemed to be occupied, either by another musician or adventurous couples who use them for “duet rehearsal” (a/n: iykyk - yes I have unfortunately witnessed the latter)

You get a brilliant idea at midnight after a late night study session in the music library. You’re already in the music building, and you have card access to the department. Surely no one is using the practice rooms at this time.

Your sleep deprived speculations prove to be true and you almost cry as the first room in the hall is unoccupied. You notice one of the production studios across the hall has its door closed but chalk it up to someone forgetting to leave it open on the way out.

Once you’re settled you begin warming up, letting the tones of scales and arpeggios sing through the space. It’s the first time you’ve been able to have quiet and uninterrupted practice (thankfully your roommate had been understanding about you needing to practice in the dorm, but you still tended to play quietly/half-heartedly to avoid any noise complaints).

After a rough run through of the piece you’re currently working on, you start picking through the score measure by measure. Totally immersed in the music in front of you, you don’t notice the door to the production studio creak open, nor do you notice the head of disheveled curls that appears in the window of the practice room.

A sudden knock on the door startles you out of your zone, and you can’t help but let out a shriek and throw your score at the window. When the folder falls to the ground you’re met by the sight of a surprised Chan, mouth open and ears turning a little red.

To this day Chan swears he wasn’t intending to scare the living daylights out of you, it’s just the way you played was so beautiful and enchanting and he just had to know who was playing it (and then beg them to record some samples for a future/secret project pretty please and thank you 🥺)

After your first THRILLING encounter you keep bumping into Chan everywhere. At music department events/socials, and around campus (particularly the cafe/coffee shop).

You also run into him more in classes (or at least start noticing him more). He’s a guest performer for the experimental piece the orchestra is performing, or subbing for the pianist who was sick during orchestra rehearsal. During breaks you banter with him (he asks whether you’re planning on being in the building late, you tease him for his insomniac habits)

Slowly, over the course of fall semester he develops a soft spot for you. Definitely very fond of you, and at first is in total denial, thinks he is just doing this because he’s trying to be a good upperclassman/mentor for you.

(Meanwhile all his friends, especially Jisung and Changbin, are losing their everloving minds trying to convince Chan that he’s falling for the ‘cute late night girl’)

Probably has an epiphany that he’s basically in love with you while sitting in the audience for one of your concerts (one of the fewe that he’s not performing in). Like yeah, he definitely goes to his friends’ performances/showcases to support, but not all of them. (Damnit, Jisung was right to tease Chan about planning to go to all of your performances that he has time for.)

Then you come on stage for your concerto and he is absolutely entranced. Blushes when you seem to make eye contact with him after bows. Probably red cheeks & ears he is SO glad he wore his beanie today. Plus he thinks you look stunning in the dress you chose, the navy blue fabric makes you look so beautiful and elegant. He loves that it has a bit of your personality with the asymmetrical design and subtle lace appliques.

Now that he is FINALLY aware of his (massive) crush on you he’s going to try to be subtle and show you more affection/flirt more. Tries to subtly woo you by bringing you late night snacks, or inviting you to hang out before practice/rehearsals.

Chan is pretty much a blushing mess anytime he spends one-on-one time with you. Occasionally attempts to use cheesy pick up lines but plays them off as jokes because he is a SHY and nervous boy doing his best to flirt. Probably ends up laughing at most (if not all) of the lines he tries on you.

Thankfully you also find this funny (and cute) so you indulge him. Though occasionally when there’s a particularly sweet/cheesy pick up line you can feel your cheeks tingle and you get uncharacteristically giggly while your heart flutters in your chest.

Sometimes hangouts are just you and him, other times they’re with his friends. You slowly get to know other people. Meanwhile his friends are trying to send Chan to an early grave by not subtly hinting at his crush (aka. one time Felix tries to straight up tell you "Channie-hyung is in love with you," but thankfully Chan was able to smack a hand over Felix’s mouth in time).

Multiple death glares towards his so-called friends now menaces behind your back + creative sign language indicating he may strangle them later

After you start dating, Chan admits that he has tackled Jisung, Changbin and Minho as a last resort to get them to shut the fuck up before they can blurt out “By the way Chan wants to date you” or something else that would cause him to have a quote: " heart attack before the age of 30." His words not Y/N's Chan this is why Seungmin calls you old

At this point you’ve picked up on Chan’s attempts to flirt with you, so you start trying to flirt back. Searching up pick up lines to try on him, reminding him to get sleep/rest, bringing food to his studio if you happen to be free. Of course, Chan is a little a lot dense so he keeps thinking you’re just doing this as a good friend.

By the end of the semester everyone thinks you and Chan are dating since you two have continued to banter/flirt in public at all hours of the day and night. Jisung and Felix stage an “intervention” by inviting you to coffee where they beg you to please ask Chan out because he won’t shut up about his pining for you at home (pretty please he likes you so much 💖)

You end up heeding their advice (read: Felix and Jisung continued to pester you about it in person and via. text) right before winter break. Chan was hanging out with you backstage before your final recital/evaluation when you just casually asked, “Hey, do you want to get dinner with me tonight?”

This poor man is so shocked, he almost spews water all over your beautiful recital outfit. Thankfully he has the reflexes to turn away before he ruins your dress. Honestly you have to pound his back a few times just to make sure all the water is out of his windpipe.

He’ll agree to the dinner. Leaves the dressing room so you can properly warm up + get to your place in time. Probably about 15 minutes before the show starts he realizes, oh shit, did she mean like a date????? SPRINTS to the nearest grocery store so he can buy flowers, makes it just in time to slide into the seat as the concertmaster plays the tuning note.

Definitely looks very disheveled waiting for you in the lobby. His curls are all over the place and he didn’t wear his beanie tonight to fit with the formal vibe of the concert (CURLY CHAN SUPREMACY). Pretty much shoves the bouquet in your face before realizing he didn’t actually confirm that this was a date.

“This is a date right?” he asks, looking a little sheepish. Without the beanie you can see the way his ears turn red and his dimples start showing when he gives you an embarrassed smile. Of course you nod in agreement and giggle when Chan wraps you in the warmest hug ever and jumps around while also congratulating you on a great performance. Chan gives the best hugs you can fight the wall

Your first date ends up being at this hole-in-the-wall chicken place that Chan found back in his first year. Imagine the two of you eating fried chicken at 11 PM dressed in super formal clothing because you decided to go there straight from the performance venue.

Spend the rest of the time before winter break starts pretty much attached to the hip with each other. As music/performance majors most of your final assignments are due before or very early during finals week, so you’re able to relax and take the time to spend quality time with each other.

Wine night where you both improv on different instruments/vocals and create a joke song about how much you hate spicy food, specifically how Buldak ramen is a crime against tastebuds

Definitely miss him over the winter holidays, you are glued to your phone whenever you have the time, texting/calling him, sending him pictures and selfies. He’s not much better, sending you pictures of Christmas in Australia with his family (INCLUDING BERRY!)

©@straystars-and-planets 2023. do not copy, translate or repost my work.

#bang chan x reader #bang chan #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #stray kids #skz imagines #skz fluff #skz scenarios #planets: writing

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angelanimedesaray · 3 years

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Wings in the Dark Chapter 2: Suspicions

AN: Yeeaaahhh this one’s pretty much all from Levi’s POV. Get ready for some cat and mouse, guys.

Also I’m working on a playlist. hehehe. I love my playlists. Some songs just fit SO WELLLLL!!!!

Characters: Levi, Vampire!Reader, Erwin, Various BG Characters

Pairing: (Eventual) Levi x Reader

Warnings: Language

Word Count: 5102

<----Previous Chapter Masterlist Next Chapter---->

*Levi’s POV*

Levi leaned against the stone wall beside him, arms crossed over his chest and the shade of the roof mostly hiding him from view as he stared pensively out at the open field. The horse training was finished for the days, and the horses were being allowed time to roam in the open field for the time being. One individual, however, was spending some one on one time with a mare, walking through some common techniques to get a horse to trust you.

At first, he’d wondered why she was using such a long rope, since he was fairly certain the distance between a horse and a potential rider during this exercise wasn’t supposed to be that far. Quickly Levi realized that if she got much closer, the horse was not having it. It was truly afraid of her, though she appeared to be making some headway, if she was able to lead the horse around on the long rope while the other horses stayed clear.

Horses that had been trained and bred to retain nerves of steel and ignore their fears, especially in the presence of Titans and the chaos of a battle, and apparently all of them were at least skittish around her. That’s what he’d heard from the stablemaster, anyway.

Not a minor detail to be overlooked. And a problem, if she couldn’t get around it. Clearly, though, she was putting in the effort and time to fix it, and she didn’t mind going at the proper pace instead of trying to rush it. From what he’d been able to observe, she was also approaching the situation with an admirable amount of patience, no outward signs of frustration or anger when she reached a setback and had to back up a foot or so on the rope instead of shortening it a little more. Her approach changed slightly each time, too, attempting to adjust to fix whatever she’d done wrong the previous try.

Well, at least she had some positive character traits to be discovered alongside the worrisome fact about the horses he wasn’t going to ignore. So he could give her some merit while his suspicion raised a little more.

“Captain.”

Levi turned at the sound of his title, noticing the individual approaching him from the main building, a file in hand. He snapped a salute when he reached Levi, then held out the file for him to take. “You asked for the file on Cadet Y/N L/N.”

Levi nodded and took the file from him. “Thanks. You can go,” he said in a distracted tone, already opening the file as the soldier walked away.

His eyes scanned the information in the file, which was surprisingly scarce. Her place of residence was formerly Wall Rose, there was no living family, no record as he thought there might be after their spar. She ranked sixth in her class--which didn’t at all match the spar they’d had, and gave further credit to his belief she was purposely holding herself back even when it mattered for placement. Maybe she wanted to avoid the spotlight? She wanted her talents to be recognized, but she didn’t want them front and center since she was still trying to scrape by without her full potential being noticed. She excelled in individual evaluations, especially the physical and instinctual, but seemed to have some problem with others. It was noted in her file that she was a loner and outcast during training, suggesting teamwork might be a point of issue with her. The opinion of her classmates might shed some light on that matter--it could have easily been the other party and not necessarily her that was the issue. Some of her classmates had joined the Scouts as well, if he remembered correctly, so there were some around that could be asked.

Levi reached the end of the file far sooner than he expected.

There weren’t any official documents giving age or place of birth, just an inked in note marking that she was in her early twenties--older than most new recruits, strangely enough--and the name of the town she was born in. There weren’t any legal documents, and no visible records of her existence before she started leaving a trail behind in Wall Rose two years ago, with a rented space in her name and her official application to join the Cadet Corps the only real official documents here.

That shouldn’t have been possible. Of course, if she lived in the Underground beforehand, it would make perfect sense for her to have no trail until she surfaced, but it was right here in ink that she was born within Wall Rose.

Had she lied? Had she somehow managed to get topside without official immigration and slipped right through the fingers of the authorities? The Underground would have fit a little comfortably in his working picture of her--loner, exceptionally skilled in combat and other physical areas, not having a record before two years ago, the street fighting skills…

He wasn’t going to write off the Underground yet, but how she might have gotten topside needed some fleshing out before he could consider it more seriously.

Appearing out of the blue and an unknown past only made Levi’s unease grow. Maybe if there was more, he could have deduced what her reason for joining the military--hell, joining the Scouts--was.

More questions, and not much in the way of answers.

Dissatisfied, Levi returned to his position resting against the wall with the file now tucked under an arm, watching as the speckled grey horse with the black to white mane gradually came closer to her as the rope slowly shortened, but it’s caution and unexplained fear still kept it out of her arm's reach.

The new recruit in front of him was so nervous he was trembling. He might have thought he was hiding it well, but it was plain as day to Levi, who was leaning against the wall sipping on his cup of tea with eyes fixed forward on the recruit sitting on the other side of his desk. He’d called the young man in as a sort of character reference for L/N, asking him to state his opinion on the young woman’s abilities and if they were an asset to the Scouts.

His final question, however, had caused the recruit’s suddenly shifty demeanor, and Levi’s gaze narrowed slightly at him when he hesitated.

“Are there any qualities you feel she possesses that would be harmful to the Scouts?”

The recruit across from him couldn’t look Levi in the eyes, on the brink of saying something, but for some reason holding himself back. Levi waited for several moments before there was a spark of impatience starting to grow in him.

“Spit it out.”

The recruit’s shoulders hunched slightly, and he started to haltingly speak. “She doesn’t exactly get along with other people.”

Well, that could mean a lot of things. Levi wasn’t the friendliest person in the world, but that didn’t stop him from doing his damn job. Antisocial didn’t necessarily count as something that negated her ability to perform in the field. This kid needed to be more specific.

“Does she start fights with her comrades?” Levi asked bluntly.

“No, but she has been in a few--”

“Does she fail to communicate in the field?”

“Never, though--”

“Is she incapable of working as part of a group?”

“Not really--”

“Does she take actions that could cause harm to other members of the team in the field?”

“I haven’t--”

Levi let out a slow sigh. He kept interrupting the recruit because he didn’t need long winded answers that spun the narrative a certain way. He already knew he couldn’t entirely trust the feedback this kid was going to give him, because either he would downplay her abilities and up-play her flaws to make himself look better, or vice versa to make her look better, all based off the assumption Levi was asking because Levi was looking to have her join his squad.

It wasn’t too far off the mark, but Levi was considering adding her less and less the farther he dug into her background. And while he knew he couldn’t trust much of what the kid was going to say to his face, that wasn’t the point. It was what came after this that mattered the most, and it still gave him something to work with to get a little further in his investigation.

She communicated and worked just fine in a group, and while she had been in fights before, she hadn’t been the one to start them. It was starting to look more like harassment of some degree on the other side that kept her from interacting much with her peers. Aside from the pretty much confirmed antisocial behavior outside of the field, of course.

“You have to be more specific than ‘she doesn’t play well with others.’ I don’t always get along with other people--that doesn’t keep me from doing my job,” Levi deadpanned.

The recruit was really struggling to get it out now, his face all twisted up as he tried to rework his words. “While her skills are undeniable, socially, her relationship with her peers is...poor.”

Is that really what this amounted to? No one liked her because she wasn’t friendly enough with them? “Your complaint is that she’s not a social butterfly?”

“It’s more than that, sir, she’s not…”

Levi waited another five seconds before he decided this wasn’t being productive anymore. Time to kick him out of the office and go on to the next part, then. “Either come up with a solid answer, or I’ll take your silence as a no so you can leave to take care of that constipated look on your face.”

The recruit looked put out and frustrated, but he ended up standing from the chair and leaving, Levi watching him silently from over the rim of his cup and eyes lingering on the door after it had closed.

This sneaking around behind the scenes getting dirt on people was usually more Erwin’s speed, but Levi had been around Erwin long enough to pick up a few tricks of his own to use when necessary, like in moments like this. Levi could be subtle when he wanted to.

A few moments after the recruit walked out his door, Levi finished his tea, set down the empty cup on his desk, and followed after him, keeping far enough back that he wouldn’t be noticed. Just as he’d suspected, the recruit found his way back to another pair of recruits and proceeded to go about cathartically bitching about the situation.

Levi missed the part where the other two asked why Levi wanted to talk to him in his office, but since that wasn’t the important part, Levi wasn’t too concerned, stopping just around the corner and pressing his shoulder against the wall to listen in to what they really had to say about L/N when it wasn’t being filtered by the intimidation of speaking with a superior.

“Of course miss ice princess is being considered for Captain Levi’s squad. Why wouldn’t she?” the recruit who had been in Levi’s office was fuming.

“I don’t get why you two are so upset--if Captain Levi’s already asking about her, surely that’s because she has the potential, right?” asked the young woman in their group.

“You didn’t train with her--you didn’t see how downright infuriating she was! If it wasn’t for the occasional lost spar round or missed question on a test, or a margin behind someone else in an endurance test, whatever it was, she still somehow managed to look perfect. Even if you were ahead of her, it was like she was right there behind you!”

“Not to mention she didn’t even seem to try,” the third one muttered.

“Exactly! We’d work our asses off, and then she would waltz in and do whatever they asked her to as if it was as natural as breathing! It was so--so--so infuriating!”

“Sounds like you’re jealous,” the woman surmised.

“Wouldn’t you be upset? She didn’t even try! Then to make matters worse, she always acted like she was above us. Yeah she usually beat us all in everything, but she didn’t even try to be nice about it.”

“Yeah--I know this girl who tried to be friends with her part way through training. But she was always treating her like a plague--she’d move further away from her, or she’d ignore her attempts to talk to her or actively dodge her. She made it pretty damn clear she wasn’t in the Corps to make friends. And she was like that with everyone--she never let anyone get closer than necessary to her. Sure, she’d give you some tips in the middle of training, but it was always just what was necessary, and she never let the conversation move to anything personal. She’s a bitch,” the friend added.

“I figured all that time spent by herself, she was just focused on her training. It got me certain that she was going to be top of the class--some say she should have. Hell, I thought she’d be pissed when she got sixth, but I swear she looked pleased. Pleased! And I thought she wanted to at least make the top five with how fucking perfect she seemed.”

“Okay, so she was antisocial in training and she’s good enough at what she did that it made you all jealous. I still don’t see anything that would make you hate her so much. I’ve seen her around a few times and she doesn’t seem nearly as frigid as you all say. Distant, yeah, but she seems...warm, if a bit melancholy,” the woman said thoughtfully.

“Don’t let it fool you. She’s probably just trying to make a better impression now that she’s where she wants to be and is about to get placed--possibly in the best squad, now, too, apparently.” There was the sound of a boot scuffing the stone, then a thwack of a broom handle being thumped against the offender’s head. “Ow! And she’s not warm and she’s not innocent. I don’t know what she was doing, but she was up to something during training, even if we couldn’t prove it.”

“Oh? And what was it? She managed to get an extra loaf of bread on her plate?” the woman asked almost mockingly. Clearly she wasn’t convinced by their ranting.

“One of the most infuriating things about her was how she could break the rules and still get away with it! She used to sneak out all the time at night while we were in the Cadets, but no one could ever catch her. Even when we gave the instructors a warning that she would be sneaking out again soon, she still wouldn’t get caught, and we’d get in trouble for lying about a classmate. Not once was she caught, and we had classmates that could attest to her not being in bed at some point in the night, so we knew it was happening! But we could never prove it. It still drives me nuts to this day!”

“If you kick this floor again, I’ll hit you even harder--you are not messing up the cleaning job I’ve been working so hard on!” the woman fumed suddenly, and there was a bit of a scuffle before things calmed down again.

“I swear, if Captain Levi puts her on his squad I’m going to be so fucking--”

“Look at the bright side, you probably won’t have to deal with her anymore if that happens, because you’re nowhere near that league,” the friend teased. It sounded like there was going to be another scuffle breaking out, so Levi finally stepped around the corner to make himself known.

“Oi.”

The two boys immediately panicked, while the woman snapped to attention, eyes flickering to a fresh scuff mark on the stone with a clearly upset face to see the two were already back to mucking up her hard work. Levi ignored the two who were scrambling to their feet and trying to snap to a salute, walking past all three without even glancing at them.

“Get back to cleaning. And find another place to bitch about superiors,” he added before he continued down the hall and out of earshot once more.

Idiots.

There was nothing wrong with a little bitching to get it out of your system, but at least have the decency to do it somewhere less public where anyone could find and hear you.

However, Levi officially had some honest first hand accounts of her relationship to her peers, and a lead he could follow further into this mystery.

She snuck out a lot at night when she was in the cadets, huh? He wondered if she was still doing that now…

It seemed he had something to do now in the hours insomnia kept him from sleeping. He could keep an eye out to see if she was sneaking out, and try to figure out where she was going on these little escapades if they were, in fact, continuing after leaving the Cadets.

The more he looked into her, the more uneasy he became. He was already at the point where he knew he was going to have to bring up his concerns to Erwin, but he was going to make sure he’d gone as far as he could with this investigation of his before he went to Erwin.

For the first few nights after hearing about L/N’s nightly escapades in the cadets, Levi didn’t catch anything amiss. He was well aware of the best spots in this building to sneak out at this point, and had several points he liked to retreat to for some alone time that just happened to give him a good view of the surrounding area. He was fairly confident that if she tried to sneak out, he would be able to spot her as long as he was looking--which he was.

By the fifth night, he seriously considered the possibility that if she was doing something shady such as meeting a co-conspirator in the the night, the wise thing would be to cut all communication once she was inside the Scouts. If her nightly actions were something dastardly like that, then it was entirely possible that he wouldn’t see her sneak out because she wouldn’t make the attempts now in such a high risk area.

Still, Levi kept an eye out, always near a window at night so he could peer out into the darkness and see anyone trying to slip away if it did happen.

At long last, almost three weeks after the recruits had first arrived, he managed to catch a fleeting glimpse of a hooded figure moving in the darkness away from the building. Believing it to be L/N, he got up from his seat immediately, taking the less forgiving but more direct route of climbing out the window and down to the ground so he could close the distance before she left his sight entirely and he lost track of her. Going through the building down to the ground floor and to a proper exit would have taken him too long, so his unconventional route was one he didn’t second guess.

Landing quietly on the paved stones, Levi crept forward at a walk that was barely restrained from becoming a jog for the first few moments, keeping to the shadows like his quarry as he attempted to follow after her. He wasn’t armed in case there was trouble, mostly because he didn’t get the luxury of enough time to grab a weapon--he’d only caught a fleeting glimpse, so he’d had to act instantly.

Levi managed to catch up to where he would want to be on a tail after two streets, feeling himself settle down internally once he was the desired distance away. She didn’t slow down, plowing forwards with a purpose that told him she knew exactly where she was going and she was going to waste no time getting there--he just had to keep up.

Yes, she. He didn’t have confirmation that it was her, but he was operating off the assumption it was between the story he’d heard and the fact he’d been waiting for something like this to happen and her to be the culprit.

He continued to follow her street after street, taking several corners, occasionally losing sight of her before he caught movement again and continued on the path. After a few minutes, however, he realized these direction changes weren’t exactly pointed and purposeful, but random. They happened too suddenly and without warning for them to be planned.

She knew he was following her, and she was trying to shake him.

Hoping to make her think that she lost him, Levi slowed down his pace, allowing her to pull a little further ahead, far enough away it would be more difficult for him to follow, but at the same time it would give her the impression that he was too far away and that she lost him.

Levi managed to make it a few more streets this way, catching the edge of a cape or a flash of movement as she turned a corner to give him a direction, until suddenly, he realized he couldn’t hear footsteps or any other sound in the night, and he no longer had even a fleeting visual on her in order to give him a sense of direction.

That wasn’t possible. Pulling back had been risky, yes, but he’d been sure he could still keep track of her. And he should have at least been able to hear footsteps in the distance, because she would have had to speed up to lose him so suddenly.

Did she have ODM gear hidden under her cape? Had she taken for the skies to get out of visible range of the streets?

Wanting to test the theory before she could get too far, Levi used window sills, boxes by stalls, wooden awnings, whatever he could to climb up to the roof of one of the buildings, turning around swiftly with his head on a swivel as he tried to catch a glimpse of movement, a figure moving through the night either on ODM gear or on the streets down below.

Nothing. It was just him standing alone on this roof in the night’s silence.

Where the hell had she gone?

“Levi...why didn’t you bring this to my attention sooner?”

Levi scowled, meeting Erwin’s serious expression head on before he turned to move again, occasionally crossing the floor at an extremely slow pace, stopping for a while before he would turn around and move again. Considering Levi usually remained stationary, it counted as a sign of unease.

He had just come to Erwin with what he knew about L/N, which admittedly wasn’t much. For the most part, he was simply telling Erwin about his concerns and a bad feeling that he’d been harboring since meeting her. He did have some legitimate red flags, like her apparent trips out into the night that were continuing here at the Scouts and her lack of a record from before two years ago with nothing to show she might have been from the Underground.

“Because it was just basic curiosity at first, but the more I heard, the more I had to be concerned about,” Levi said pointedly, lips pulled down in a prominent frown as he mulled over everything in his mind.

“Well, based off what you’ve been able to find out, if she is a threat, how much of a threat would she be,” Erwin asked patiently, his eyes continuing to track Levi as he moved about the room. Levi stopped, turning his head slightly in Erwin’s direction.

“Erwin...she had me. In that spar on the training grounds. But at the last second, she shifted and threw the match,” Levi explained quietly.

“...I see.”

Levi turned around all the way to see Erwin sitting forward in his chair, hands laced together in front of him and pressed against his lips, eyebrows furrowed together in contemplation.

“Don’t mark her as an enemy in your mind, yet, Levi. Let this play out a while longer, first. This may be a situation where we need to spring the trap after it’s set to truly know the situation. So far, she hasn’t done anything to hurt humanity’s mission regarding the Titans. I don’t like how many unknowns there are with her, either, which is precisely why we have to approach this correctly. There’s as much a chance we could be wrong as there is that we can be right about her intentions.” Erwin’s hands carefully folded back over one another on top of the table, Erwin turning his gaze on Levi with that expression of his that usually appeared when he was mentally calculating a gamble. “Continue your investigation as you see fit, so long as you don’t outright antagonize her. We don’t want to risk driving her off, if these skills your glimpsing are as strong as your intuition tells you they are. She could still be a great asset if she’s truly on our side. Keep an eye on her, try to figure out at least if her intentions align with our own or run against them.”

“And you?” Levi asked suspiciously, looking to see if that gambling air about Erwin was tipping over into the dangerous side of things.

Erwin hummed. “I’ll do some digging of my own, see what I can find. Of course, if you can’t find anything concrete by the next expedition, going beyond the walls will allow you to get not only a stronger grasp on the skills she’s bringing to the table, but will help with figuring out her general intentions.”

“I don’t like the thought of having to babysit while we’re out there,” Levi returned flatly. Expeditions were far too unpredictable as they were without adding a mysterious woman of unknown capabilities and intentions along for the ride with the task to keep a sharp eye on her and evaluate her every move.

“Then perhaps you’ll want to find out if you can trust her out there or not, first. I know you can’t guarantee finding the answers to all of your questions in such a short amount of time, but you could at least find out if she will have the back of her fellow scouts on the first expedition,” Erwin said with a pointed look. Levi could already tell this mess might get a little ugly, but at the very least, knowing he could trust her not to turn and kill someone on the expedition would go a long way in making his job digging into her background a lot easier.

After Levi gave a nod of confirmation, Erwin continued. “In the meantime, I’ll make sure she’s placed in the formation so that she’s within your sight at all times. Considering the rumors you’ve stirred up that you might be looking to recruit her to your squad, it would only make sense for you to be watching her out in the field to see how she does. It’s also a nice excuse for you to make a few more direct inquiries to L/N, herself. You’ve done plenty of work in the background, I think it’s safe to say you can start approaching her as well. Subtly, of course.”

“After she shook me last night, she might already be on edge,” Levi pointed out. She had to have known someone followed her. There were no guarantees that she knew it was Levi, and he didn’t think she’d had the chance to confirm who was following her any more than he’d had a chance to confirm if he was following her.

“Then be careful about it. But whenever you come to a decision about whether she’s a danger or not, I want to know. This will go a lot smoother and faster if we’re sharing information.”

“I’m not stupid, Erwin,” Levi said with a long-suffering sigh, straightening up. “Anything else?”

Erwin’s lips twitched upwards towards a smile, his hands moving to a drawer to pull out some paper and ink. “Have fun making a new friend.”

Levi scowled again, turning to leave after it was clear Erwin was ready to move on to the next thing. He was a little worried about this task to test L/N’s intentions to help the scouts before going out into the field, especially because he knew that look of Erwin’s meant he would set it up and Levi would simply have to observe.

But, he did have his own ways of testing her out as a person, and some people he could get to help without having to inform them of everything behind it. He was already observing her from a distance and could safely continue to do so. With the rumors going around he was looking to take her in under his wing, he could use that to his advantage to ask a few questions and approach her at the right times.

Yet, despite the fact he knew he would have help in prodding at her to see a bit more of what she was made of, he couldn’t help but notice that his sense of unease that had been tickling in the back of his mind was not shrinking. If anything, it only seemed more prevalent. As long as he continued to have this feeling of unease about her, he wasn’t going to let the matter rest. He was going to figure out what she was hiding, if only so he could assuage or confirm his suspicions before they grew wildly out of control.

At least it seemed Erwin shared his concern, confirming it wasn’t all in his head, and there was cause to worry. He only hoped they could figure out what was going on here before they had to spring the trap, as Erwin had suggested.

Levi shook his head. He could worry about that, later. First, he had a recruit to get a feel of before they went outside the walls, and he had to make sure he didn’t spook her while learning what made her tick.

Thankfully, he already had a pretty good idea where to find her in her down time, with all the work she’d been putting in to fix the one glaring flaw in her ability to go outside the walls.

The stables.

Next Chapter---->

Levi Tags: @clary-quinn @humanitys-hottestsoldier @whalerus @sunny-flo

Wings in the Dark Tags: @regalillegal @animeluver23 @theshylittleelfgirl @queenthorin1 @dilucs-thighs

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iclaimedtobethebetterbard · 2 years

Text

@girlfaglogan OKAY i MEANT to respond to all ur comments as u made them, but then brain said no, so. i am now going to respond to all of ur tag comments from the Lore Infodumping session i have been holding the last few days at once, instead of rbing each individual post and flooding everyone’s dashes. i think i did not miss any, but if i did i apologize lol. here we go (again under a cut bc Long):

#ALSO!! REMUS WHY WOULD U FLIRT W SHAPESHIFTED JANUS WHY NOT JUST. SAY JANUS#remus i understand ur logic (not rlly) but literally evedything couldv been avoided if u were just normal /t (remus)

[post] hehehe ur correct, remus did 100% create this problem unecessarily. however from his own pov in that very specific situation it made sense. bc 1) remus has v strong adhd, so he kept forgetting to ask janus about this, and then remembered Suddenly in the scene where the miscommunication happened and was like “well i am going to do this Now while i still have the Thought in my brain.” 2) remus is extreeeemely sensitive to potential dangers in any situation featuring interpersonal dynamics, bc of his backstory that i am not talking about hehe. so, there being another superhero in the room while janus was shapeshifted registered as a Potential Danger to remus. and when he registers potential dangers like that, he is 100% committed to helping with any kinds of deception that could be protecting someone’s personal safety. so, while trying to check if it was janus or not before he forgot again, remus was also working with the assumption that it was possible janus Didn’t want the other superhero in the room to know who they were, and was like “okay, i need to not risk spilling that for them, just in case.”

so the combination of those two things is why he did the flirting thing instead of just asking. in most other situations he would have asked, but he just kept Not Thinking Of It in those other situations. it was essentially bad luck lol.

#LOGAN HAS MET PATTON. ok well then u have 2 write a scene where hes baby sitting patton.#legally . just 4 me ! /j#theyre such a family im gonna start crying

YEAH hard agree. every comment you made abt the janus & logan & patton family situation is so important and correct. they r precious and they all care abt each other sm.

#I DIDNT GET A NOTIF 4 THIS NOOOO#anyway#uhm. i have lots of things 2 say idk where 2 start#1. listening 2 music isnt 2 hard i promise !#i use spotify so it has like a uhm. discover weekly playlist that updates every monday and has a playlist of songs#based on what u usually listen 2#i also listen 2 a lot of friends recs 4 songs! so when i want a new song ill ask 1 of my friends#or mutuals 'hey do u have a song rec 4 me?" and usually they do!#if u ever need dif music 2 listen 2 plz let me know bcuz i LOVEE music and i love finding new music n genres so i am bound 2 have something#u like#i also look 4 music based on genre / subculture#ex i am punk so i look 4 punk music. i am emo so i look 4 emo music. i have friends who r goth n they look 4 goth music#i like harsh noise (the genre) so i look 4 harsh noise#if u want 2 find new music u shoukd look up different genres n pick 1 and just... type it in2 utube.#u can also branch out from ur fave artists & find what sounds like them.#sorry 4 rambling si long abt. how 2 find music help NDHSKDNSJDN#2. RHYTHMIC NOISES 4 LOGAN IS SO TRUE#i totally think he likes experimental music like harsh noise and electronica#and splittercore and speedcore and and. i could go on and on abt logans music tastes i rlly think he liks NOISES!!#ur so right...#3. fun fact: u dont have 2 put logsn thru that#i mean like. ableism towards autistic ppl exist yes but also u can just.... not include it in ur story.. no1 is forcing u 2 put it in#4. i 100% get janus .#was goinf 2 add more but i 4got wverything help#if you're going my way fic

[post]

1) you are literally so sweet thank you for all the advice aaa!! tis very helpful thank u.

2) i am going to look up all of those next time i remember to, but yessss i am glad u agree.

3) that is a good point!!!!!! i thought abt it some more after u said that, and i realized the Actual Problem i was worried about was a) allistic readers making the savant stereotype connection in their heads if i said logan was autistic, and b) autistic readers who don’t know me being concerned that *i* was doing that stereoptype on purpose. so that was the actual problem i was trying to solve. but it occurs to me i could just make a really passive aggressive author’s note about it on any of the relevant chapters instead lol, and that would be much less stressful to write. so i will probably do that instead. yay!!!!

4) im so glad u get that, because i literally had No Idea how to put my point into words there, so im delighted that i seem to have succeeded lol.

#i have many good questions cuz itz called i am autistic n this story is a hyperfixation. i think abt it a lot#constantly#do u know how AWESOME it was 2 come up w/ theories w/ my friends abt janus n going 'what is they had a teen pregancy?"#AND THEN BEING /RIGHT?/#best feeling in the world.#ANYWAY my brain stopped working but all of this is so ciol#so like.#if u have a uterus and ur on ur period u cant... shapeshift 2 make it go away or. can u? im still a little confused#id love 2 know how thatd work . id love 2 know how shapeshifting would work in GENERAL like irl.#NOT THE POINT BUT GESTURES VAGUELY#im just curious cuz like... where does it go#if ur having a period and then u shapeshift. so u rnt having a period. where does... where does it go#how does it. go away like.#HELP IDK HOW 2 EXPLAIN BUT IM JUST. .... its COOL i love thinking abt shapeshifting#also giggling at janus stabbing thingsbcuz hes angry#i think janus should stab ppl rolls eyes. LOGAN !!! LET HER KILL !!!!#if you're going my way fic

[post]

skhksdhklsjfgks 1) yes excellent explanation 2) SAME tho. i think abt this story So much. it’s great. (also. people theorizing about my fics??? is such a wild concept to me????? thats so cool?????)

more clarification about how periods impact shapeshifting powers!! bc i thought abt it more after. so:

shapeshifters cannot stop their period once it has started. they don’t entirely lose their shapeshifting powers, but they do lose some of them. basically, they’re stuck with the same, like, “base” body until the period is over. so they can’t change the height of the body, or the fact that it’s having a period, or its bone structure, or things like its digestive or nervous systems, or things like that—anything the body needs to maintain to run. they can change things like hair, eye color, fat and muscle distribution (to some degree), and so on—anything that’s not integral to the body running. shapeshifting those things is also harder than it would usually be, it takes more concentration and energy. and then once the period is over their powers go back to normal.

for how shapeshifting generally works: the shapeshifter essentially just. imagines the thing they want to shapeshift into. and then they turn into it. they do have to like, make it happen after they imagine the shape they want? like. their brain is making a command for their body to do the thing. kind of like,, intentionally blinking. it feels like that. and then the actual shapeshift happens very fast, like maybe 1-2 seconds for the whole thing. it’s usually pretty easy and doesn’t take much energy, the main exception being if they are shifting to have non-human features (like gills wings etc) or appearances (like making themself be, like, stretched-out-mike-teavee-from-charlie-and-the-chocolate-factory shape). non-human shapeshifts like those do take some extra energy to do, kind of like pushing through a barrier, and the time it takes increases to like 3-5 seconds. also healing by regenerating cells takes more energy and time too. but aside from those cases, and the period case i talked abt in the last paragraph, shapeshifting does not take a noticeable amount of energy. again like blinking. also, shapeshifters can unintentionally shapeshift in their sleep, specifically while they are dreaming. that’s more common for some and less common for others, almost like how sleepwalking is a thing for some people and not for others.

ALSO janus stabbing things is especially funny bc. it doesn’t go with their powers. and it gives them 0 advantage over their nemesis. so there’s literally no reason for them to do it, they just like stabbing things. like, viper (his nemesis) has laser powers. stabbing helps, like, 0% with fighting lasers. janus has like some mirror weapon tool things for when they actually fight viper. and viper now wears protective armor built into her suit’s stomach and chest, and has bracers on her arms. to protect from janus’s illogical stabbing habits. it’s rlly funny.

also, unrelated, but since im talking about viper: she’s a lesbian, and janus is only into men, which both of them are very happy about, because (although janus’s genderfluidity sometimes does make this a tiiiiny bit wobbly, that’s not mostly a problem) it allows them to have all the inherent gay tension of a super nemesis relationship without ever having to worry about actual attraction or feelings getting involved. they’ve literally had whole conversations about this while fighting, and they actually are pretty friendly with each other despite being nemeses. they platonically flirt while trying really hard to beat each other up. they Have given each other relationship advice while fighting before. they have literally so much fun. i love them. im going to see if i can find an excuse to write one of their fights sometimes. it’ll be delightful.

#WHY R U MEAN 2 JANUS PLEASE LEAVE THEM ALONE... /T /NM#also why doesnt janus want virgil 2 meet patton :(#if you're going my way fic#im so tired rn but this is all very cool

>:) but it’s rlly fun to be mean to them lol

part of the answer to the virgil and janus and patton question is spoilers, but also even aside from that bit. janus is a superhero. janus is very protective of their baby. janus does not want the biggest supervillain in the city to ever ever ever interact with their baby for any reason. that’s all the explanation im sharing for now, but there are more specific reasons too.

also i hope u have the opportunity to be well rested soon!!

#I AM EATING RN I CANT TYPE A LOT BUT YAYYy#lovw them lots#so ur ONLY mean 2 janus. giving logan n virgil loving parents but not him.... i see how it is... /j /nm NSHSJDND#if you're going my way fic

no no no no no, im not ONLY mean to janus!!! /lh i have also been Horrifically mean to remus!!!! :) i just haven’t talked about that yet, i’m keeping that a secret until after the next remus pov scene in the fic. after that i will be Happy to talk about it as much as ppl would like me to. but yeah, janus’s trauma does not even hold a candle to remus’s!! :D

#peregrin said a thing #if you're going my way i'll go with you #ghasper tag!!#iygmw lore

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milstrim · 3 years

Text

Comfort in My Shadow

Chapter 5: Ironic

By @iwritedumbshit for @iron-mum

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark

Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Ned Leeds, James “Rhodey” Rhodes

Summary: Soulmates are definite in the universe. Nobody knows exactly why they exist, or what dictates who is bonded to who, the only thing known is that they are never wrong. But Peter’s not so sure about that.

Living at the group home had taught Peter a lot about laying low and how to stay alive when nobody cares. But he’d always clung to the hope of the shadow at his feet reflecting his soulmate that had watched over him for years.

Typical that his soulmate is actually a superhero that Peter is convinced shouldn’t want anything to do with him. Maybe, just this once, the Universe was wrong.

But Tony Stark is desperate to prove that it is right.

Ch 1 // Ch 2 // Ch 3 // Ch 4 // Ch 6 // Ch 7 // Ch 8

---

"Woah."

"I know, right," Peter said, unzipping the inside of the suit and moving to plug it into Ned's computer. His friend continued to gape at it, fingers trailing over the fabric reverently.

"I can't believe Iron Man made this," he whispered. "I get to sit here. And touch a superhero suit. That Tony Stark made. For my best friend. This is the greatest day of my life."

"You've said that a lot recently," Peter pointed out, pulling up the schematics of the suit on Ned's computer, who turned to look at him in confusion.

"What are you doing? Are you supposed to be messing with it?"

"I'm not messing with it. I'm just going through Karen's code real quickly."

"Karen?"

"The AI," he explained. "I just want to make sure she's not gonna snitch on me."

"Snitch on you for what?"

"Uhhh, so you know those alien weapons I've been talking about?"

Ned nodded. "Yeah?"

"I'm gonna take that down, and I don't really need Karen telling Mr. Stark," he mumbled the last part nervously. Ned stared at him.

"Why don't we want Karen telling Mr. Stark again? I mean, he gave you the suit, he must think you're capable."

Peter paused, puffing up his cheeks as he took in an awkward breath, staring at the protocols showing up on the computer. He'd already spotted three to tell Mr. Stark if he was in trouble, so he knew it was the opposite of Ned's assumption.

"Actuallyyyy..." He took a deep breath. "You can't tell anyone this." Ned nodded, but he continued to press. "I mean it. Nobody. Not a soul."

"I won't, I won't! I promise, Peter. Not. A. Soul."

"Mr. Stark's my soulmate."

Ned's head whipped around to stare at Peter's shadow, his mouth falling open.

"Oh, my God... Oh, my God! He's your soulmate!!?" Peter nodded, preparing himself for Ned's excited ramblings, but he couldn't really hide the smile on tugging at his lips either, however faint it was. "This is insane! Your life is so fucking insane I think I'm going to lose it!! Have you talked to him? Wait--yeah you have! How many times have you talked to him? Have you done, I don't know, 'soulmate things?'"

"Ned, what?"

Ned threw his hands up. "I don't know, I haven't met my soulmate. I'm trying my best, Peter!"

Peter laughed, shrugging.

"I don't really know what 'soulmate things' are, but we had dinner, and he showed me some stuff in his lab."

"Oh, my God...you've been in his lab. You know you have to show me one day."

"Definitely. I'll figure it out later, just, let us get more used to each other? Maybe? Let me impress him at least, which is why I'm trying to keep Karen from snitching on me."

"Sure. Here," Ned agreed, sitting beside him on the bed and gesturing for the computer. Peter passed it over to him wordlessly. "I'll work on the protocols, you do detective work or something."

"Thanks, dude."

"By the way, and answer honestly, is that Tony Stark's hoodie?"

Peter glanced down at the red hoodie that Mr. Stark had given him, 'MIT' emblazoned on the sleeves while the faded logo sat on the front of the piece of clothing. He smiled at Ned. "Yep."

"This is so cool," his friend melted.

With an amused eyeroll, Peter pulled out his phone, clearing his throat and nervously calling, "Karen?"

The phone lit up. "Yes, Peter?"

"Listen, ah, I was wondering if you could help me. I'm trying to figure out who these guys under the bridge were a few nights ago, but I mean, I can only kind of remember part of a license plate."

"Can you tell me where you were?" Peter rattled off Liz's neighborhood. Karen was silent for a little bit before piping up again. "Was there a white van involved?"

Peter perked up. "Yes! Exactly!"

A hologram popped up from Peter's phone. Ned stopped to stare at it as they both let out an identical, "Whoa..."

Peter watched intently from the security camera as the van rolled up under the bridge to where the buyer had been waiting. Karen highlighted the faces for him.

"Okay. The two on the right, who are they?" he asked.

"Searching law enforcement databases," Karen said, pausing before answering. "No records found for two of the individuals."

"Nothing?"

"One individual identified." The recording was replaced by a mugshot. "Aaron Davis, age thirty-three. He has a criminal record and an address here in Queens."

Peter and Ned glanced at each other. Ned said, "The protocols are disabled."

"Let's pay him a visit."

---

"So, what's this surprise you've been talking about?"

Tony's head shot up at the sound of his girlfriend's voice. He smiled, turning from where he'd been forcing some kitchen tools into a box to take in the woman as she stepped off of the elevator. She very much looked like she'd just come out of a meeting in sharp business slacks and an exhausted expression.

"Hey, Pep. How was...London?"

"Tokyo," she corrected, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "It was tiring. How's the packing?"

"Eh, boring," he said, kicking the box lightly and shoving his hands in his pockets. "So, anyway, I think that we should reconsider moving to the compound permanently."

"Tony, we just finished all the paperwork for the tower! And most floors have been packed by now, we can't just--"

"Not the tower. Just for us. Ever thought about a nice high-rise in Queens?"

Pepper stared at him, crossing her arms. "Queens? Since when have you ever cared about Queens?"

"Well, that's the surprise."

"The surprise is that you want to move to Queens?"

"No," Tony corrected, unable to stop his bright grin. "The surprise is that my soulmate lives in Queens."

It took a couple of seconds for that to register to Pepper. When it did, her eyebrows raised and she let out a smiled gasp. "You found him?"

Tony nodded. "Yep, just swinging around New York like a maniac."

"Swinging?"

"He's Spider-Man. Well, 'man's' a strong word. Here." He waved his hand, pulling up a screen that displayed Peter's yearbook photo. Pepper cooed at him. "Peter Parker. Top of his class at Midtown High by day, overly excited vigilante by night."

"He doesn't look like he could hurt a fly, never mind stop robberies. How'd he get his powers?"

"Forgot to ask, actually. He wasn't super excited to meet me at first, actually."

Pepper snorted. "Good. I'm glad he doesn't feed your ego."

"Hey! This is serious," he pouted.

"Uhuh." Pepper gave him another kiss on the cheek. "How'd you meet him?"

"Mugging. I bought him a hot chocolate."

"Hmm. I expected something stranger given your track record."

"He ran away."

"There it is," she said. "It's all good now, though?"

"Yeah..."

"Tony?"

He hesitated. "Peter lives at a group home, and I gotta say, not super fond of his foster father."

"Is he... Does he hurt Peter?" Pepper asked. He shrugged.

"Possibly. I gave Peter some money and the guy took it. Spent hundreds of dollars on liquor. And the kid's really thin. Jumpy, too. But there's nothing to prove right now."

"I'm surprised I didn't have our lawyer calling me to say you broke into a foster home and kidnapped a kid."

Tony shrugged, giving her a soft smile. "I don't need to break down the door to say hi to Peter. Besides, kid's wary, gets nervous easily. I don't want to scare him off by being too invasive about his home."

"Good on you for learning some boundaries, Tony," she congratulated before turning just a little more serious as she glanced at Peter's picture again. "You're sure he's alright?"

"No. But he's got a new superhero suit, a phone with me, Friday, and his own AI on speed dial, an unlimited credit card, and a badge to get into the tower. He's got resources if he needs them."

"Then let's just hope he doesn't need them."

---

Peter waited until the next day to find and interrogate Aaron Davis, more at Ned's insistence that they study for their Spanish quiz and to let his friend geek out over the suit than anything else. He'd stayed at his friend's house for as long as humanly possible, readily accepting whatever snack that Ned had pushed his way and going over notes that Karen gave him about Davis. It wasn't until the alarm he'd had Karen set that it was 9:40 went off did he leave.

Peter didn't like to impose on his friend so much, but Ned hadn't seemed to mind with the new addition of a supersuit and Mr. Stark being his soulmate, and the teenager couldn't help the way he was still avoiding Mr. Fowler like the plague. After leaving Mr. Stark's on Sunday and failing to stop a simple burglary, he'd hurried back to the group home, helping Eric with his homework and then cooping himself up in his room. He'd managed to avoid him the entire night and the next morning due to the man being passed out drunk in his room. Though he was still wracked with guilt at the fact that his foster father had stolen Mr. Stark's money on alcohol, he had to admit that it was at least useful.

Bidding goodnight to his friend, Peter slipped out of the apartment and hurried down onto the street where he joined the late night crowd as he made his way back to the group home. He popped his earbuds in and chose a song on his phone (that had an unlimited choice for him now, but he just stuck with his familiar Spotify playlists) as he rushed back to a place that he wished he could avoid for longer. Unfortunately, the curfew was final, so he made it back to the Queens Pinehill Group Home for Boys with five minutes to spare.

He stopped in front of the door as his hairs rose. Surprisingly, they didn't direct him towards the house, instead calling him to turn around. Peter glanced over his shoulder, catching sight of a man sitting at an apartment's steps a few buildings down. It was too dark to see his face, especially with the hat he wore pulled down low, but he looked just a little familiar. More than a little nervous, the teenager shook it off and stepped inside.

Mr. Fowler was waiting for him at the dining table. Peter paused, taking out his earbuds as Mr. Fowler turned to stare at him, chewing on a slice of pizza. For some reason, despite living in New York, the man was obsessed with frozen pizza. It was practically criminal, but Peter excused it as mind games since all the kids weren't allowed to eat any of it. Only a sociopath would eat exclusively frozen pizza in Queens.

"Pity. I was hoping you'd be late," Mr. Fowler frowned at Peter as he shuffled to a hesitant stop by the stairs. "Got another card for me?"

"No," Peter lied stiffly.

"What? No sugar daddy today?"

He knew better than to argue. "I hung out with Ned."

Mr. Fowler stared at him, but the travel agent was nothing if not a man of his word. Peter had been on time, so he waved the teenager on. Resisting the urge to scramble into the safety of his room, he whisked up the steep stairs and into the dark bedroom only lit by the lamp in the corner.

Tim was already asleep, but Jeremiah was sat on his bed going over what looked like a book report. The teenager paid Peter no mind as he dropped his bag onto the ground beside his bed and changed into a pajama shirt. He kept the hoodie on that Mr. Stark had given despite the warmth of the night as he slipped under his covers, bundling up in the reassuring fabric.

Peter didn't fall asleep for a while, grateful for the light provided by the lamp as he stared at the outline of Mr. Stark's shadow as though it were the only thing in the world. It might as well be for all he cared. Blocking out Mr. Fowler was quickly becoming a new necessity that was increasingly hard to do with the way his senses focused in on every little thing.

The entire house smelled of the man's alcohol, musty and strong and littered with the memories of a dark closet where even his shadow hadn't been able to comfort him. But the hoodie carried the fading scent of Mr. Stark that washed away his tired uneasiness, at least for the time being, and the shadow kept him preoccupied with one comforting thought. Out there, just across a bridge, was an adult who cared.

---

When Peter woke up, he felt off. He wasn't quite sure how to explain it, just that he knew the day was going to go wrong before it started. He wanted to curl up deeper into the hoodie that wrapped around him like a cocoon, but forced himself to push the covers off of himself and plant hit feet on the cold morning floor.

Jeremiah's bed was already empty, so Peter assumed that he'd already eaten and left with Eric, whose school started much earlier than everyone else's. Tim was still asleep, so Peter put on a pair of pants, grabbed his bag, and woke the kid up before knocking on the door of the other kids' room. He then headed downstairs and began putting together bowls of cereal for the kids that would be stumbling downstairs in a few minutes.

Mr. Fowler was in the kitchen, leaving the teenager to shuffle around him awkwardly as the man gave him a suspicious glare that he tried desperately to ignore. He left the kitchen as quickly as possible, placing the bowls down in the kids' usual spots and then taking up his own place to quickly scarf down a bowl of tasteless cereal. By the time he was finished, all the other kids had already stumbled downstairs and begun to eat.

Peter went along preparing their bags and then taking their bowls to the sink once they were done. He had just put the last dish in the dishwasher when the other boys at Queens Pinehill Group Home for Boys walked out the door, leaving him alone with Mr. Fowler. The man was staring at him with the same suspicious glare as he closed the pantry and then made to grab his backpack.

"Wait just a moment, Peter," Mr. Fowler said. Peter paused immediately, holding back a shiver at the danger in his tone.

"Sir?"

"There was a pack of granola bars missing from the pantry last night." The man glared at him, clearly waiting for a reaction, but Peter just stared at him, hesitant. Which kid had taken the bars? He hadn't seen anything off in their bags, unless Mr. Fowler had just miscounted, though that didn't happen often. "Anything to say to that, Peter?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, sir. I didn't take them."

"You didn't? I find that very hard to believe. How close are you to ending your grounding?"

"Three days, Mr. Fowler."

He tutted, standing up from his chair and stepping over to Peter. The teenager couldn't stop the way he froze, tensing up and squaring his shoulders as a large, meaty hand clamped down on one. Fingers curled over the thick fabric of his hoodie, pricking at his skin.

"Well, it would be a pity if it was extended longer. You're sure you didn't take anything?"

"Nothing, sir." The hand flashed to his hair, grabbing a fistful and pulling his head down and to the side with a pained grunt. Peter forced his breaths to steady even as tears pricked at his eyes. "I didn't take anything, Mr. Fowler, I promise!"

"Then you've wasted my time, son. Do you know what makes up for lost time?"

"Wha-what? Sir."

"A bit of hard cash." Peter noticed the way the man's hand trembled. "That card was nice for the weekend, but I'm afraid I'm running a little low. Got anything else for me?"

His thoughts flashed to the newly activated card sitting in his wallet, tucked safely in his hoodie pocket. He could just give it up and walk away. Mr. Fowler would be happy and Peter could go to school, safe and sound.

Steely eyes met Mr. Fowler's impossibly strained ones. "No. I don't have any other money."

The fist let go of his hair, throwing him back. Peter caught himself in a stumble as Mr. Fowler looked at him in disgust.

"Fine," the man rasped. "Extend your grounding until next week, then. Now get to school before I'm forced to call you in an excuse."

Peter mumbled out a grated, "Yes, sir," before stumbling out the door. Instead of making his way to school, he stumbled into the nearest alleyway. The teenager sucked in a deep breath, cursing himself for the tears biting at his eyes and the panic choking his throat. He was fine. Nothing had happened. He was completely fine. It wasn't like the extension of his grounding even mattered, Peter had money to buy food when he needed it. Everything. Was. Fine.

But Peter wasn't fine. He was choking on air and stumbling on panic as he slid down a grimy alleyway wall, unable to even begin to calm down. He didn't know why he was even freaking out so bad, Mr. Fowler had only pulled his hair, but the revival of the strong smell of liquor and the closeness of the man's face to his was horribly haunting.

Peter pulled at his hair as he finally managed to wheeze in a breath, staring desperately at the shadow in front of him. Mr. Stark's fluffy hair and tall shoulders seemed to stare back at him, almost reassuring. The teenager shoved his nose into the collar of his cardinal hoodie, taking in a deep breath to drown out Mr. Fowler.

It calmed him slightly.

But not quite enough.

With chattering teeth, Peter pulled his bag off of his shoulder and tore the suit out of it. With no hesitation, he took off his clothes and stepped into the suit. Karen greeted him instantly.

"Good morning, Peter. Shouldn't you be heading to school?"

"Uh, no, no. Not today, Karen. That man, Aaron Davis? Where is he right now?"

A path was highlighted on his screen.

---

"Remember me?"

Peter's voice was almost hilariously unnatural, but the man at the car stumbled back, so he guessed it worked. He thundered forward to where Aaron Davis was trying to stumble away from his car but was pulled back by the web sticking to the open hood.

"Uh, hey..."

"I need information. You're gonna give it to me now," Peter demanded half-heartedly, the enhanced interrogation mode making his voice much angrier. Maybe it was better than he thought.

"All right, chill," Davis placated.

"Come on!"

Davis paused, staring at him in confusion. Peter tried not to shuffle on his feet. "What happened to your voice?"

Crap.

"What do you mean, what happened to my voice?"

"I heard you by the bridge. I know what a girl sound like," Davis deadpanned.

"I'm not a girl! I'm a boy," Peter protested, quickly moving to correct himself. "I mean, I'm a--I'm a man."

"I don't care what you are, a boy, a girl..." the man trailed off with a shrug, continuing to load his car with groceries.

"I'm not a girl! I'm a man," he protested again. "Come on, man. Look, who is selling these weapons? I need to know. Give me names--or else."

Davis slammed the trunk shut and Peter flinched back on instinct. The man flashed him a teasing smile, shaking his head.

"You ain't ever done this before, huh?"

"Deactivate interrogation mode," Peter said sullenly. Davis huffed in amusement, shaking his head again. "Look, man, these guys are selling weapons that are crazy dangerous. They can't just be out on the streets. Look, if one of them can just cut Delmar's bodega in half..."

Davis, not paying attention in the slightest, looked up, regarding him in slight interest. "You know Delmar's?"

"Yeah, best sandwich in Queens," he shrugged.

"Sub Haven's pretty good."

"It's too much bread."

"I like bread."

"Come on, man, please," the teenager begged one last time. Davis stared at him, unresponsive, so with a dramatic throw of his hands, Peter began to walk away. "Stupid interrogation mode. Karen, don't ever do that again."

"The other night," Aaron started. Peter turned around to look at him. "You told that dude, "if you shoot somebody, shoot me." It's pretty ballsy. I don't want those weapons in this neighborhood. I got a nephew who live here.

Tentatively, Peter stepped back over, catching sight of the man's shadow. It was smaller, clearly a boy with a tall afro.

"Who are these guys? What can you tell me about the guy with the wings?"

"Other than he's a psychopath dressed like a demon, nothing. I don't know who he is or where he is." Peter sighed, leaning his head on the car roof. He was never going to prove to Mr. Stark he was worthy of being his soulmate when he couldn't even find the vulture guy. Aaron offered, "I do know where he's gonna be."

Peter perked up. "Really?"

"Yeah, this crazy dude I used to work with, he's supposed to be doing a deal with him."

"Yes!" Peter exclaimed, beginning to step away in giddiness. "Yes. Thank--"

"Hey, hey, hey," Aaron called. Peter stopped. "I didn't tell you where. You don't have a location."

Peter flushed bright red, making his way back to the car in embarrassment. "Right, of course. Yeah, my bad. Silly. Just...Yeah. Where is it?"

"Can I give you some advice?" Peter hummed. "You got to get better at this part of the job."

"I don't understand. I'm intimidating."

He crossed his arms, but Aaron only shook his head again.

"Staten Island ferry, eleven."

"Oh, that's soon," Peter realized. He began to walk away, pointing a finger at where the man's hand was webbed. "Hey, that's gonna dissolve in two hours."

"No, no, no, no. Come fix this."

"Two hours. You deserve that."

"I got ice cream in here."

"You deserve that. You're a criminal! Bye, Mr. Criminal!!"

---

Tony clapped his hands together in an attempt to dust them off as he stared around the packaged remains of his lab. Scribbled formulas and problems had been wiped clean from boards, tables folded and disassembled, and prototypes all packed into boxes ready to be loaded onto the plane in a few days time. Most of what was left in his workplace was personal items and two encased Iron Man armors.

"How we looking on time, Fri?" he asked, grabbing his mug from where he'd placed it on the counter earlier and taking a sip.

"Packing for the move to the compound is on schedule, boss," the AI responded.

"Great," he said, smacking his lips at the comforting bitterness of his coffee, "How's the search for a Queens apartment going?"

"I have several different listings placed into the Itsy Bitsy Spider folder for you to look at."

"Great. Forward them to Pepper."

"Of course, sir."

Satisfied with the prospective of flipping through apartment listings closer to Peter in the evening, he glanced down at his shadow, frowning at the lack of fluffy hair there. It was Tuesday, wasn't it? He checked his watch for the time. Barely eleven. He was pretty sure Peter should be in school by now.

"Friday, is the spider-suit active?"

"Yes, sir."

He frowned harder. "Activate the Baby Monitor Protocol, I want to see what's going on."

"That protocol has been disabled, sir."

"What?"

The AI was silent for a moment before responding, "It has been disabled, along with many others. The only way to reinstate them would be manually."

Tony glanced down at his shadow again. Surely the kid wasn't messing with the suit? And especially not the protocols to keep him safe? And he'd skipped school, too.

"Call Peter."

---

Peter peered over the top of the ferry roof at the men gathering below, who practically screamed shady. He kept an eye on Dronie's recording, the small robot keeping an eye on the other two guys up on the ferry, while Karen highlighted the men below.

"Who’s the guy on the left?" he asked, his spine shivering as he looked at the man.

"Mac Gargan. Extensive criminal record, including homicide. Would you like me to alert Mr. Stark?"

"What? No. I've got this, Karen."

One of the men that Peter had seen at the bridge approached Gargan. Peter could easily pick up his muttered. "White pickup truck."

Gargan nodded at one of his crones, who immediately began walking into the inside of the ferry holding the cars.

"Dronie," Peter whispered. "Scan the ship for a white pickup truck."

He watched the footage apprehensively as Dronie flew farther outside the ferry, x-raying the boat to pick out the truck inside. The robot then zipped over to it, beginning to scan the contents covered in the trunk but flying away and back to Peter as a man stepped out the front. His leg bounced nervously as the robot settled back in his chest, his heart beating erratically.

"Oh, this is too perfect," Peter said. "I got the weapons, buyers, and sellers all in one place."

"Incoming call from Tony Stark."

"No, no, no. No, no, don’t answer."

Despite his protests, the screen of his suit was swept away as Mr. Stark filled his screen. Peter tried not to grimace, keeping a careful eye on the men below even as the billionaire began to speak.

"Mr. Parker. Got a sec?" Mr. Stark greeted with a tight smile.

"Uh, I’m actually at school," Peter lied, ignoring Karen's correction in his ear. "I gotta get back to class, Mr. Stark, so--"

"What class?"

"Uhh--" Shit, what did he have at eleven? "Alge--"

The ferry's horn blared excruciatingly loudly. Peter resisted the urge to grimace, trying to keep an eye on the criminals below still.

"Band. I'm at, uh, band practice."

Mr. Stark stared at him, unimpressed. "That's...odd. You told me you quit band when you started swinging around as Spider-Man."

"I gotta go. Uh, end call."

"Hey," Mr. Stark protested, but the screen clicked close, allowing Peter to clearly see the people below once more. He flicked out a wrist, snapping a web onto a pair of keys being handed over.

"I’ll take those! Yoink!" He flipped, snatching the keys and webbing them to the ceiling. "Hey, guys. The illegal-weapons-deal-ferry was at 10:30. You missed it."

He webbed away the weapons from two guys quickly and threw them into the water. With a shiver up his spine, he ducked out of the way of the approaching man wearing the shocking gauntlet. The man's weaponized arm got stuck in the net on the ferry.

While he was distracted with the gauntlet guy, the other two he'd disarmed had scrambled to their feet, egging for a get away. Peter turned lackadaisically, webbing them

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast." He threw the two to the ground. "Are you guys okay? My bad. That was a little hard. I gotta say the other guy was way better with that thing. I’m honestly, I’m, I’m shocked."

This was going super well.

---

Peter let out a short scream of pain, suspended between the two crumbling halves of the ferry. His arms burned as he gripped at the webs fruitlessly, but he refused to let go. He could hear their heartbeats, fast and afraid and exactly like his own. The teenager panted, straining harder than he ever had before only to continue to fail. The ferry wasn't coming back together, his webs hadn't done anything, and the entire ship was going to fall apart.

And yet he refused to let go, even as he felt his arms tear painfully. He cracked his eyes open, searching desperately for his shadow. It was currently lost in the waves crashing underneath as cars piled into the rushing water. There was a moment, so quick he almost missed it, where a car hood stayed still long enough just for him to make out the shadow.

Of an Iron Man armor.

There was a metal groaning and an easing on his shoulders. Peter looked away from his shadow.

"What the hell?" With the ferry putting itself together, the teenager let himself drop onto the ferry floor, arm raised in fearful apprehension as the sound of metal colliding echoed around the entire boat. "What the hell..."

Mr. Stark in the Iron Man armor rose into view at the windows. Despite the fact that he was wearing a mask, it was easy to tell he looked angry. Or, hopefully, he was reading too much into it and the suit was just mean looking.

"Hi, Spider-Man. Band practice, was it?"

Nope. He sounded mad too. Peter had to force down a shiver, ignoring the clapping people and swinging to the cargo hold as Mr. Stark flew under it, beginning to piece the ship back together. He followed anxiously on the ceiling, turmoil sitting heavy in his stomach as he followed the man.

"Uh, Mr. Stark?" he called nervously. He continued to skitter after the man as he flew up to the ferry's top, trying to catch the man's attention even as he continued to ignore the teenager. "Hey, Mr. Stark. Could I do anything? What do you want me to do?"

"I think you’ve done enough."

Peter couldn't even bear to look at his shadow.

---

"So that’s it, you’re just gonna run?" Adrian asked as Schultz approached with his overflowing duffle bag.

"Feds were waiting for us. Now we’re on Iron Man’s radar? Yeah, I’m running. You should, too."

"You know I can’t do that," Toomes said, glancing down at the shadow of his wife.

"So now what?" Schultz shrugged. Adrian rubbed at his chin.

"Mason, can you get that high-altitude seal thing up and running in time?"

"Seriously?" the engineer asked, comically giddy despite how hilariously screwed they all were. "Yes. You will not regret this."

Adrian turned back to Schultz. "You in?"

The man glanced down on the floor, contemplative. "If we get caught, we're dead. And we have days before that plane takes off. We'll be caught before then. Stark will get us, you know that."

"So we take care of Stark."

"Take care of Stark? You're crazy. How the hell are we gonna to kill Iron Man?"

Adrian thought for a moment, thoughts creeping back to the night over the lake; a defensive boy and an over-eager man and matching shadows. Peter Parker, as had been reported by one of his men following the kid. He even went to Liz's school, on her academic team and everything. He hurt a little to do this, but nothing was more important than family.

"We don't need to kill Stark," Adrian responded. "We just need to insure his compliance."

---

Tony finally spotted the kid sitting on the edge of the building, his legs thrown over the side, his mask torn off his face as he stared down at the water. The bulky outline of the Iron Man armor extended behind him, an imposing figure compared to the hunched and shivering kid. The sound of sirens and helicopters rang in the distance, only feeding fuel to the fire that was his anger. It had been two days since he'd given Peter the suit and he'd already hacked it, lied to him, and endangered the lives of more than a hundred people. He'd taken Tony's tech and ran with it, doing what the man had warned the teenager not to do, and almost gotten himself killed too.

It terrified him just as much as it infuriated him.

"Previously on Peter Screws the Pooch," Tony started, hovering next to Peter's spot on the building. "I tell you to stay away from this. Instead, you hacked a multimillion-dollar suit so you could sneak around behind my back doing the one thing I told you not to do."

"Is everyone okay?" Peter rasped.

"No thanks to you."

He clunked down on the ground, but Peter barely even looked at him, just grasping the mask in his fingers tighter. After a tense moment, the kid turned to glare at him, a sour look on his face.

"What do you care?"

The question almost shocked Tony from his anger, but the fury managed to cling on as the suit opened, allowing for him to step out. There was a defensive flicker on Peter's face, washed away as quickly as it came, at the stiff anger glued to his figure.

"What do I care?" he echoed incredulously. "Who the hell gave you the suit that you're wearing right now? The one that you used to go fight people you weren't ready to fight. Peter, you're not prepared for this--"

"I didn't see you doing anything."

"Who do you think called the FBI, huh?" Tony demanded.

"And they got their asses kicked immediately!"

"And you did what exactly?"

Peter swallowed. A soft, angry mumble shivered from his chest. "I just wanted to be like you."

Tony glowered. "And I wanted you to be better."

Peter didn't have an answer to that, turning away with a sharp flinch to stare down at the water again where the ferry was finally beginning to dock. His face was scrunched up in cold anger. Tony stared at him, waiting, but the teenager didn't do anything. Didn't say anything. With an indignant sniff, Tony glanced between the approaching boat of people and the kid sitting stiffly in front of him.

"Okay, it’s not working out. I’m gonna need the suit back."

That caught Peter's attention. His head whipped around and he finally swiveled off of the building's edge, standing to face him. The defensiveness was back in full force now, broken only by a shiver of fear in the tremble on his face.

The teenager swallowed. "For how long?"

"Forever." Peter gaped at him, shaking his head. Tony hit him with a withering expression. "Yeah. Yeah, that’s how it works."

"No, no, no... Please, please, please..." the kid rushed, his voice pitching higher.

"Let’s have it."

"You don’t understand. Please. This is all I have. I’m nothing without this suit."

"If you’re nothing without this suit, then you shouldn’t have it." Tony stopped in his demand, pausing to stare into the distance under the guise of letting Peter absorb his words but really choking down his own panic and regret. This was how he was treating his soulmate. He hadn't known this kid for a week and he'd had maybe two successful conversations with him. And now he was yelling and bringing down and punishing. "God, I sound like my dad."

Peter stared at him, swallowing. "Mr. Stark, please I don't want you to g--"

"The suit. Peter."

He could barely even look at the kid's completely dejected expression.

---

Peter meandered down the street, his head down as he forced himself to bite down on tears. It wasn't that hard, he'd had a lot of practice recently after all, but he couldn't deny that it hurt. Well, he could, but not to himself.

With the loss of the suit, Peter's bag was considerably lighter. Empty. It was disturbingly similar to how he felt in the moment, like a stumbling shell of a person.

He'd fucked up. He knew he had. But he didn't think he'd fucked up enough to lose his soulmate. He'd just--he'd just wanted to try and impress Mr. Stark, to show the man that he was worthy of being the shadow that had followed the superhero--his hero--around for fifteen years. He huffed to himself quietly at the horrible irony of it all.

After Mr. Stark had demanded to the suit, well, Peter had given it to him. He hadn't had much other choice. The man had allowed for him to go grab the bag he'd webbed to an alleyway earlier and change into his clothes. Choking down panicked tears, the teenager had folded up the barely used suit, and, after a moment of hesitation, slipped the card, the phone, and the badge given to him into the mask. He wanted to have given him the red hoodie too, but it was the only top he'd had, so he'd reluctantly kept it. He'd given the stuff that was no longer his to the still seething Avenger and had left. Mr. Stark hadn't ask where he was going, so he hadn't told him.

Not that Peter was amazingly sure he knew himself. He didn't want to go back to where Mr. Fowler was surely working from home. Peter was supposed to be at school, the man would be furious that he hadn't gone, and he didn't have the courage to face him right now. The ghosted feeling of a hand tugging at his hair and painful nails in his shoulder was enough to keep him wandering the streets of Queens for as long as he possibly could.

There wasn't a destination, there was barely even a journey, there was just the tired wanderings of a teenager trying desperately not to break down crying. Part of him wished he'd kept the phone, just so he could text Ned, or even lose himself mindlessly on social media for an hour or two, but Mr. Stark's words rang clearly in his head.

"Forever."

Peter shook himself vigorously, taking a wispy breath. Of course he would lose his soulmate not even a week after meeting him. Everyone else had left too, it really only made sense.

He didn't know why he'd let himself hope.

"I don't want you to go."

A painfully strong shiver up his spine forced the teenager to stop in the middle of the alleyway he'd been cutting through. Peter pulled back his sleeve, brows furrowing as the hairs on his arm rose on end. Without his phone, or the watch kept on his webshooter, the teen had no way of knowing what time it was, but it had to have been at least half an hour since Mr. Stark had taken the suit. Since he'd caused a gun to split a ferry full of innocent bystanders in half.

"And I wanted you to be better."

Peter had assumed his senses had continued to freak out from the resounding adrenaline and the complete rush of panic that had been today--from the horribleness of it all--but they still weren't calming down.

Jittery, he turned to leave the alleyway back the way he came, but there was a man blocking his way. He froze when he recognized him and the glitching gauntlet on his arm. From the bridge and the ferry. The man stalked forward.

Peter whipped around to escape towards the other end, but another man stood there as well, a different alien weapon in his hands. Peter paused again, eyes shifting desperately for an escape even as the weapon behind him charged up with a threatening snap.

"Give it up, kid," ordered the man. "Come easy, and we won't hurt you."

"Wow. So reassuring," Peter snapped. Without warning, the teenager leaped, jumping onto the wall as high as he could reach. He attempted to begin skittering up the wall, but there was another spike in his senses.

There was no time to dodge as he was encased by an annoyingly familiar blue light that crashed him to the ground straight into a gathering of trashcans. He groaned in pain as he collided with the metal, the cans tipping over and releasing their contents near and on him. There were footsteps, and he tried to push himself back up, but the man with the gauntlet approached quicker than he could recover.

The teenager stared up at him as the man smirked. The gauntlet cracked.

"Nighty-night."

Peter could only close his eyes as a metal fist came crashing down.

---

~Click for better quality~

Ch 1 // Ch 2 // Ch 3 // Ch 4 // Ch 6 // Ch 7 // Ch 8

#friendly neighborhood exchange #peter parker #tony stark #Iron Man #spiderman #irondad #spiderson #irondad and spiderson #ironman fanfiction #spiderman fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #soulmate au #platonic soulmates #not st*rker #you would not BELIEVE the amount of time i spent on the stupid thing peter is sitting on #idk who designed that #but fuck them

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socratoteles · 3 years

Text

A year to get Ph.D in letting go

The last time I was here, I wrote that perhaps it was time for me to go out and just enjoy the world. And amid the global pandemic, I sort of managed to do that. It was such a lifesaver in a year of goodbyes. I`ll get to that, but let me begin with my coronavirus scare.

On March 4 last year, I was away in Bandung, aware but not worried of some obscure virus that triggered a total lockdown in some Chinese cities. That very same day was also the time when my colleagues came in contact with a man who later confirmed of having contracted COVID-19.

That was how close I was of contracting the virus. Had I not taken a paid leave to write last year’s essay in the city where I was born, chances were high that I was another case as well, at that early stage of the pandemic too. I`m still familiar with the helplessness that came after I checked in to a hospital only to being denied the test (the nurse reasoned that the contact with my colleagues, who might catch the virus from the confirmed man, cannot be categorized as close contact).

And that experience, of confusion and fear of infecting loved ones, left a lasting impression that shaped my behavior going forward. After all, it takes a pandemic to make wearing mask and washing hands could made the difference between life and death.

Covid-induced isolation meant that I spent most of my time being holed up in my room for the past 12 months. To this day the side effects of this solitary existence is still beyond my full grasp. On one hand, this situation had brought out my inner resiliency, resourcefulness and adaptability in the long days and night when things were just so dark. On the other hand, it also forced me to deal with unresolved traumas and numerous intrusive thoughts, which I will get into later.

People get really creative during the long locked-down days, spending it doing viral social media challenges one after the other. Videoconferencing become a thing on its own and for some reason loads of folks played a game named Among Us too, perhaps to remind themselves of the interactions cruelly torn apart because of the virus.

There was also a newfound awareness on class too, because the coronavirus disproportionately affected different individuals with different income level. At least on my part, I was lucky that essential workers (the pandemic elevated the phrase into such a buzzword) near my place were safe and somehow never contracted the virus. It is worth mentioning that I definitely cannot survive this long if not for the minimarket workers, ride-hailing drivers and dozens of cooks, all of whom must have worked in long hours, despite knowing the risk, just to keep their families fed.

Others, however, were not so lucky. the SARS-CoV-2 had infected more than a million Indonesians a year after it was officially detected in these shores. Millions have lost their jobs as economic activities ground to a halt. The place I currently work was not an exception. Massive layoffs would have happened in my office had the shareholders have enough money to properly compensate their workers.

It was an obviously eye-opening experience to calculate my own severance pay and make sure I could survive on that for as long as possible. The prospect of losing your income during the pandemic –which should be that particular time for anyone to hold on to their what-ifs money– was really awful.

This is the paragraph where I say that I wish nothing but the best for those who left the company simply because they deserve nothing less than that.

But there was another reason why I signed up for a help from professional therapist last year. In the latter part of last year, things got very, very grim. At the risk of oversimplification, let’s just say that I was unable to express my feelings properly to a girl that I really liked, right at the most critical moment when probably both of us needed support from each other. She eventually left with another guy.

Days before that fateful event happened, I was quietly bearing my own burden. After years of convincing myself that I was okay, I was, in fact, not okay, at least mentally. Years of trauma have caught up. It’s too personal to even spell that out here but I`ll just quote this Youtuber just to describe a fitting metaphor.

“You see, human identity is like a house of card. One that’s always expanding. A story that is ever developing and always referred back to because every memory becomes a new card. Trauma is when a card doesn’t fit because the experience itself is so painful that it’s incompatible with everything else and if you become obsessed with making it fit the whole house of cards can fall apart and you lose the confidence to build anything new.”

Basically, my house of cards came crashing down, hard. At a time, it reduced me into this insecure soul who were unsure that people will accept me for who I was.

The last time I felt this way was a couple years back when my parent’s divorce was formalized. A girlfriend turned ex-girlfriend at that time too. Apparently, the universe has a cruel sense of timing to combine existential crisis with a relationship one.

The road to recovery was rocky, to say the least. I know something fundamental must be addressed, hence the therapy session.

I`m grateful for the company of my friends, either offline or online. (yes, I had become quite loose in terms of isolation because I know I had to prioritize my mental health; COVID-19 be damned). I`m also glad to say that because I talked with my friends about this issue, some of them were also encouraged to seek professional help.

At the height of my despair, I watched La Grande Bellezza (probably for a half a dozen time already) again and found this quote, spoken by the protagonist Jep Gambardella:

“We’re all on the brink of despair. We can only look each other in the face, keep each other company, kid each other a bit. Don’t you agree?”

Someone was kind enough to upload the entire scene on Youtube.

I decided that all bets are off, so I purchased books, many of which had been on my to-read list for years because I know I`ll have to read it when I search for a catharsis. That was how I finally read the Camus’ Myth of Sisyphus, from which I managed to understand what he meant by the absurdities of life. Into the Wild, excellently written by Jon Krakauer, broke my heart too because of Chris Mccandles’ tales somehow mimicked my own, minus the grand adventure part. I finally read Alan Watts too, from whom I learned that efforts to avoid from pain is painful in itself.

And music, a constant part of my life as I know it, helps too. I was saved because Fleet Foxes released a life-affirming record that fittingly spoke about relief, gratitude, and seasonal rebirth. During the darkest days I was just alone with my guitar in my room, terribly singing out the words that these musicians carved out of their soul to release my emotional burden. I was particularly grateful for being reminded time and again that “no one gets it right” but “we’re all supposed to try”.

I made a playlist containing songs that for me served as a reminder to be gentle for myself. You can check that here.

All of that was a roundabout way to say that I indeed, was able to go out amid the pandemic. On one afternoon I just said fuck it, I need to go out and see things. That led me to a weekly socially-distanced walk around the neighborhood, which was therapeutic in itself because the walks allowed me to be fully present and be sensitive to the sights and sounds and smells around me. Nothing is more liberating that allowing your feet to go where it you to go.

I don’t have the full answers yet, but as I wrote his essay, I`m glad to be able to say that I have rebuild my house of cards, with some of the bad cards included as well. It was quite a bumpy ride but when I looked back, this particular tweet was eerily prescient because it rings true today as was the day I tweeted it.

But I walked away from the depths of that bottomless pit not only with knowledge, but also of understanding the parts that made me who I am. I`m also humbled after I saw the abyss for the second time because it suggests that there might be another time when I found myself on the edge of despair.

I`ll never forget the fact that these hard-won lessons came on the back of years of pain, grief and suffering. But it also came on the heels of moments of simple walk in the setting sun and feeling the breeze on the beach too. In fact, I have made it my mission going forward to acknowledge both good and bad things as they are. Because forcing yourself to remember all the bright things when you were in the dark, and vice versa, is a form of self-torture. I hope this essay somehow do that mission justice.

I have said goodbyes to many things in life as the crisis comes and goes, but 2020 goodbyes were simply different. So much so that I thought I have a PhD in letting go already, however absurd that idea is.

#age #birthday #essay

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theoi-crow · 5 years

Note

Hey there! I was wondering if you knew any introduction rituals to Ares. I couldn't find any and you seemed like the right person to ask! thank you heaps!

Hi!

I haven't seen any either but I can give you the formulas I use.

I am a spoony witch and my energy levels are very unpredictable so I have 3 formulas for different energy levels:

1) Low energy/casual

2) Med energy/ semi-formal

3) high energy/ very formal

Before I begin, I want to talk a little bit about Ares and the things he rules and those who fall in his domain: (LINK)

His Symbols and Attributes: (LINK)

His animals are: poisonous snakes, vulture, woodpecker, barn owl, eagle owl, boar, dogs, the horses that pull his chariot, dragons, bronze bulls

His Symbols: Spear, shield, helmet, chariot, Sparti (The Spartoi were armed warriors which sprang fully-grown from the earth, when the teeth of Ares' Guardian Drakones were sown in a field sacred to the god), his iron fortress, weapons of any kind, arrow shooting birds he gave to the Amazons, his daughters the Amazons, etc.

His personality: Ares is passionate and can control chaos. He's a protector and will fight very hard for his children and won't stop (he is the type that will continue to fight until he can't, which is why he gets knocked out in some myths for his own protectection. Hermes does this on a couple of occasions), he is playful when there is no war but will spring into action the moment he smells war coming. He gives passionate speaches to raise the moral of his troops and he does the same for his devotees think Brave Heart:"they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom!"

He is drawn to: potential devotees/followers who need to learn to defend themselves. Those who are treated like doormats, children who need protecting, teenagers and young adults who are battling the world inside (insecurities, motivation, responsibilities) and outside of themselves, anyone who needs to fight for their rights (fighting racism, sexism, LGBT-phobia, disabilities etc.) You don't have to be a good fighter because he will help you become a great warrior.

Low energy/casual

1) Make a playlist of songs that make you think of Ares, songs that you think he would like (but they have to be songs you also enjoy, no point in playing a song you can't stand).

2) Feel his energy all around you and imagine what he looks like to you. Imagine him appearing and let him tell you you're going to be okay.

3) Talk to him: this can be out loud or in your head. Introduce yourself, tell him why you think he's amazing (flattering a god is always a great offering) and why you want to work with him, and take in anything that pops up or if nothing happens that's okay too. He heard you.

4) thank him for listening and give him the option of staying or going. (If this is the first time he's seen you he will stick around and assess you and your environment but chances are he already knows who you are.)

Medium energy/ Semi-Formal:

1) light a candle and offer incense (I usually give him Frankincense, Sandlewood or anything like that or whatever you are drawn to)

2) play music that's a little more relaxed but still songs that would move a warrior's heart to tears or fill it with pride.

3) write a hymn or a poem. Be sure to use his epithets.

4) Talk to him either out loud or in your mind. Introduce yourself, compliment him as an offering and tell him why you want to work with him.

5) thank him and let him go on his way or give him the option of staying if he wants to stay.

High energy/ very formal:

1) Make sure you have a drink to offer or food. He likes red wine (or anything stronger, like whiskey, vodka, any other type of hard liquor), Black coffee, Coca-Cola or any other type of Coke. For food he loves "guy food" like steak, ribs, very spicy food, anything that youd think a typical Hollywood dude-bro guy would like, or Greek food is always a yes. (You can offer the drink OR food, or both if you'd like.)

2) play him instrumental music so you can give him a good vibe but the lyrics won't interrupt your prayer to him.

3) Give him this Homeric Hymn written for him (or find another one you think would be better suited):

Ares, exceeding in strength, chariot-rider, golden-helmed, doughty in heart, shield-bearer, saviour of cities, harnessed in bronze, strong of arm, unwearying, mighty with the spear,

O defence of Olympus, father of warlike Victory, ally of Themis, stern governor of the rebellious, leader of righteous men, sceptred King of manliness, who whirl your fiery sphere among the planets in their sevenfold courses through the aether wherein your blazing steeds ever bear you above the third firmament of heaven;

hear me, helper of men, giver of dauntless youth!Shed down a kindly ray from above upon my life, and strength of war, that I may be able to drive away bitter cowardice from my head and crush down the deceitful impulses of my soul.

Restrain also the keen fury of my heart which provokes me to tread the ways of blood-curdling strife. Rather, O blessed one, give you me boldness to abide within the harmless laws of peace, avoiding strife and hatred and the violent fiends of death.

4) Introduce yourself and compliment him.

5) tell him why you want to work with him.

6) Give him a gift, (it can be a crystal, a necklace, something you made him, something you bought for him, something that made you think of him, or anything you think he might want.)

7) Thank him for coming, allow him to go or stay.

What to do with the food offerings: you can dispose of them in a bio friendly way, I hesitate to say you can bury them because salt is bad for the soil and other ingredients can possibly harm the environment, you can do what I do and eat it (LINK)

After introducing yourself to Ares: if you're a gamer, play a video game (I recommend Assassin's Creed Odyssey but trigger warning: blood), think about something that you're afraid to do, but NEED to do, and make a step by step plan to do it. Write inspirational and encouraging messages to your future self and hide them around your home for you to find later. Watch an underdog movie that inspires you and makes you root for the little guys. Look at a cause that's near and dear to your heart and think about how you can help them like body positivity, fighting racism, helping the #Me Too movement, help save the environment or literally anything that has you joining forces with those who want to make the world a better place because Ares is a warrior who protects or for change, and all of these individuals and groups are fighting for something they are protecting or trying to change.

Or you can relax and focus on yourself and being kind to yourself because you are fighting battles in your life too, protecting people/things/personal philosophies or trying to change your life for a better future so be sure to be kind to yourself because you are doing your best and Ares is proud of you.

I hope this helps.

May Ares forge you into the kind of warrior who will be kind, but fierce, friendly but fair. You are strong, worthy and unstoppable.

#rosegoldtunic asks #ares #ares devotion #Ares devotee #Ares deity #Greek gods

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nyrator · 4 years

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some more ny life updates, feat. MBTI stuff, dreams, financial decisions, ACNH checklists, and Radiohead opinions

incredibly depressed lately to be honest, but trying not to be too depressed for this post- basically a place to vent without being super negative because it be public and stuff, helps calm me down, maybe

helping other people with depression is too hard for me, I think. Feels bad to distance myself, but I think avoiding rumination is all I can do when it gets to that point

decided to re-take one of those personality things recently because why not, friends were doing it. I don’t hold much weight to them personally but at least I seem to be consistently this result every few years

for reference, an earlier test:

https://www.16personalities.com/istp-personality

reading through the weaknesses and romantic parts, it almost eerie how it describes me. It’s wrong on the sex part, but feels right just about everywhere else. They even quote me on saying this at the end part. The nice thing is, apparently Kresna’s personality result is my ideal match, which is fitting.

I tend to think my personality is a very flawed one, unfortunately, at least when it comes to social relationships. I don’t like being flattered or praised, nor do I tend to show appreciation to those that deserve it, I feel. Feeling people are slighted by my lack of attention or affection for them more and more.

Energy in general is such a hard thing to grasp. Lately I just can’t seem to do or focus on anything, nor do I have any strong desires to do anything. Feels hard to draw or make anything, and I’m wondering how I’ll finish up that Artfight thing. All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep, maybe just change my sleep schedule and only be awake when no one else is, and just keep to myself

been laying in bed a lot lately, and I’ve noticed a trend in actually having dreams when I’m taking a nap- or at least, that weird “trying to take a nap but keeping eyes half-open basically because I don’t actually want to fall asleep” zone

both dreams I had this week involved different things that I forget, but the core part was basically my family assaulting me, pinning me to the wall, and speaking my darkest secrets into my ear.

First one was my late sister being a prick and possibly uncovering my secret and me trying to get rid of her, while her boyfriend grabs me by the throat and lifts me off the ground into the wall as she mocks me. Second one that I just had earlier tonight, I don’t even remember the context, but basically had my mother disgusted by me, forcefully pinning my arm behind my back and slamming me face first into a wall, telling me she’s aware and disgusted by all my secrets.

Earlier this month, I also had one of my first dreams in months, but it was one of my reoccurring humiliation dreams. Except this time, there was blood. It was a very uncomfortable dream.

I wonder if these dreams mean anything about my psyche or whatever lately.

but yeah, have a lot of money lately, yet still feels sickening to spend money on myself still. I feel like I’ve spent too much on myself lately, and it feels bleh. I like spending money on Kresna, but he doesn’t let me do it often, but it’s always appreciated when he does.

ended up setting up an eye exam in three weeks- decided to order my own frames this time, but shopping for frames is hard. Ended up buying these two (since I always seem to have to buy two pairs for some probably insurance-related reason), but frames are extremely hard to shop for, at least for me, and that lavender look I like is extremely hard to come by

I wonder if I show my appreciation for lavender too much- I think I want to go for thicker frames like the top one, though the bottom ones are like my old frames (same company), and have that metallic lavender look that I love. If I ever had a dream car, it’d be in that color, honestly.

speaking of cars, my neighbor is trying to sell us her old 1997 Saturn for $250, but I’m not sure if I want it, to be honest- One, it’s so old, two, it’s a stick, which I only have basic knowledge on how to drive, and three, I don’t like driving. I think my mother told her yes, which is unfortunate, but we’ll see how it goes.

some other financial decisions lately- bedding, bottles, and slippers (not shown- the more convenient backless purple slippers I now regularly wear, as well as more personal items)

throw pillows are good for holding while sleeping and for preventing my arms from waking up entirely numb sometimes

been thinking about buying more clothes and furniture, but now that I probably won’t be getting the extra $1000 with my unemployment, it’s even harder to justify buying anything. I’d like a new desk, at least- something able to display things would be nice. My boss told me I’ll be going back to work soon hopefully, so that would be nice, especially since this virus is a good excuse to not bring back my coworker and to give me full-time hours, but even then, spending money is hard. Been thinking about a new mousepad since I’ve had this old one for longer than I can remember (probably a college gift), but even something simple like that is tough.

in other random news, slowly trying to make progress in ACNH still- and by that I mean I’ve finally started keeping a checklist for items (had Bugs/Fish already, but now have DIYs and man there’s so many DIYs I’m missing, also Dresses - Umbrella tabs of clothing, basically everything but Tops and Bottoms so far, and mannn, there’s a lot of stuff, but I basically have almost every accessory/sock/shoe in purple/pink at least, now just grinding my way through the rest of the colors I skipped. Also caught a Golden Stag today, only three beetles left (Giraffe, Hercules, and Elephant, I believe)

should probably start saving my extra bugs/fish for making models for Justin Beaver and Hot Topic, I realize- collecting those models really doesn’t interest me much, but at the same time, I have a weird obsession with trying to 100% Animal Crossing games (at a reasonable speed, of course- figure I’d wait until next year to worry about those two)

haven’t tried dreaming yet and honestly my island is still a mess that I’m still hesitant because I still have no idea what to fill it with or how to organize it

one last thing I did buy is the rest of the Radiohead albums though- I now own all their albums, except disc 2 of In Rainbows, though. Should probably listen to that on Youtube, not sure where to find a physical release of it. Decided to rank them, because I like ranking things apparently, even though overall it doesn’t mean much since my tastes shift constantly, and every album is good to listen to in my opinion (honestly more of a way of solidifying a future “best of” playlist)

Personal feelings of ranking at the moment:

Hail to the Thief (every song is top tier, I just want to shout them all out, but in particular I think “A Punchup at a Wedding“, “Myxomatosis“, “2+2=5″, and “Sit down. Stand up” are my favorites)

In Rainbows (my old favorite before HttT blew it away, though I think ”Weird Fishes/Arpeggi” is still my favorite Radiohead song, also shout outs to “Videotape” and “Jigsaw Falling Into Place”)

Kid A (I was lukewarm to the album at first, but it has a lot of tunes that stand out to me, “Idioteque” is also one of my favorite Radiohead songs, also shout outs to "Everything in Its Right Place" and "How to Disappear Completely")

OK Computer (this is where placings start getting fuzzy, “Paranoid Android” was their first song I ever listened to and loved back in high school, thanks to Ergo Proxy, great song, though I think I’ve oversaturated myself to this album by having it play as my driving music when I still had a car. Shout outs to “Exit Music (For A Film)” and “Let Down”. “Karma Police” is also up there but feels a bit less than those I suppose)

A Moon Shaped Pool (I’d place this higher when I’m looking for a more somber/reflective album to listen to, otherwise about tied with OK Computer. My favorite on the album, “Daydreaming”, is what reintroduced me to Radiohead and got me obsessed with them- this album was my first album, though it’s definitely softer compared to their usual stuff. Also driving music so a bit oversaturated, and it feels harder to shout out specific songs, but shout outs “Ful Stop”, “Glass Eyes”, and heck, basically most of the later songs on the album)

Amnesiac (Some good songs, but just not to the levels of the others. “Knives Out” is a great song though, and I tend to like the first half of the album more than the last half, last half is pretty weak to me honestly- though I got it fairly recently, so may require more listenings)

Pablo Honey (the latest album I got, so it’s still fresh in my head and thus nothing is permanent with it compared to the others, but mannn, people undersold this album, it feels solid front to back. I honestly want to put it higher, I think. Hard to identify individual songs, but shout outs to “Blow Out” in particular, “I Can’t” as well- but again, every song is great, so might say it’s close to A Moon Shaped Pool levels in rankings)

The Bends (one of their first albums I got, also a car album, but definitely didn’t click with me like the others. I have warmed up to it more than I originally did at least- I mainly got the album because heck yeah “Street Spirit (Fade Out)” is a great track, also shout outs to “The Black Star”, that’s like, one of my random “mouth out the chorus in the car” songs. I also tend to have “High and Dry” in my head a lot for some reason, but yeah, good car music, but not much else going for it I think)

The King of Limbs (the second-latest album I own and also the least listened to album I own, but it feels very... non-standout-ish. Like it’s almost too simple-sounding, or repetitive, or something, definitely the weakest album in my personal opinion. Can’t even think of a song to shout out, so I guess “Lotus Flower”, honestly, but again, I need to listen to the album more. Good background noise but just nothing that jumps out at me)

but yeah radiohead is definitely my favorite music group, I’d say, and also realize almost every album has a bonus disc, so hm, more music to find it seems (admittedly I’m not a fan of live music in general, which seems to fill up a lot of these bonus discs)

#text stuffs #nyrants

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sweetoothsuggestions · 4 years

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Self Harm and Recovery

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Read With Caution

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Hello all, this is a post I wrote two years ago on amino and I wanted to put it onto this platform as well. I wanted to create a post on mental health, self harm specifically. It’s a difficult topic, but I feel it’s important to address and provide resources for those in the community.

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Please keep in mind this blog will not include everything, and it is important to seek professional guidance.

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Table of Contents

If header is marked with ‼️it is a warning for possible triggering content

1 • What is self harm / Spotting it‼️

2 • Coping Mechanisms

3 • Accepting Help

4 • Resources (apps, helplines, websites)

5 • What to do if a family member, friend, or classmate is struggling

6 • Glorification and Romanticism‼️

7 • Recovery and Relapses

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[[MORE]]

‼️1 • WHAT IS SELF HARM?‼️

If you’re currently dealing with self harm, I recommend skipping this header. This section will be discussing different forms self harm can take.

When an individual deliberately hurts themselves physically, this is self harm. It is considered a result of poor coping mechanisms when dealing with emotional or physical distress. It is important to acknowledge that self harm isn’t always the result of societal factors, and is often internal. Regardless of how self injury is influenced, it is a serious issue and important to address.

• Cutting

(Click title for more info) There are different methods of self harm, however the most common form is referred to as cutting. This is typically when an individual takes a razor or sharp object and damages their body. Most self harmers who cut, make slits on their wrists, thighs, stomach, or chest. This form of self injury is typically the quickest to escalate, as one gets more comfortable with this practice they will often begin going deeper and cutting more frequently.

• Burning

Another common form of self harm is burning, done in various ways. A burn mark can often be swollen and filled with pus, or more discreet and appear as a reddish brown patch of skin. With darker skin tones a burn can appear lighter or more faded as well. It’s important to realize that not every burn is self harm, most self harm burns are on the hand or leg.

• Bruising

When bruising, an individual will hit objects against parts of their body. This creates bumps and dark circles where created. This is typically done on the hands or leg.

• EDs

ED is an abbreviation for eating disorder also known as anorexia, while typically placed in a separate category of mental health, also relates back to self harm. However, EDs are very different than typical self Injury and really deserve a separate explanation, I will be briefly covering it as I did the other methods as it is important to acknowledge.

Like all forms of self harm, EDs aren’t always apparent. They consist of an individual struggling with body image (or dysmorphia) who take drastic measures to lower their weight. This includes forcing themselves to throw up (Bulimia), constricting calories, and skipping meals. This regularly hospitalizes those with anorexia and stands as one of the most difficult recoveries.

There are many other ways someone will self injure, these are solely the common ones. Other forms include:

• Hair Pulling

• Biting (Forum Discussion)

• Skin Picking

• Piercing

Okay, so that’s all that. I know it’s hard to read these things (as to why there are the tws) but I honestly think it’s really important people are aware of this. A lot of signs go unnoticed, and with self injury it’s especially important to catch early on.

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2 • COPING MECHANISMS AND ALTERNATIVES TO SELF HARM

There are many different coping mechanisms opposed to self harm, below are several common ones. Keep in mind these are not a substitute for seeking treatment, it is still crucial to seek professional help.

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Take a long shower or bath to relax and calm down

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Wash the Dishes / Cleaning and Keeping yourself preoccupied

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Create a playlist or mixtape of your favorite songs

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Drawing and Painting

(Or) on your skin (using a marker or pen with a blunt tip) or on paper to get feelings out peacefully

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Write about how you feel

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Take a run or move around

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Text or call someone you love

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20 minutes rule

“My therapist recently told me about this one. She said that when I'm feeling an urge to cut, if I can wait 20 minutes the urge will lessen and eventually pass. I can distract myself by making something to eat, taking a shower, or watching some TV. If you can make it through those 20 minutes, you'll be okay.”

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Run your hands under cold water

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Stress balls, occupying your hands

Here are some self harm alternatives online, you can also make your own list of what works for you

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3 • ACCEPTING HELP

Accepting that you need a change can be one of the hardest realizations to face. Self harm is not something you go at alone, it’s crucial to reach out. Wether this be to a family member, teacher, counselor, or friend you need to tell someone.

It’s scary, and by no means is easy. A lot of people don’t know how to tell someone, or you’re afraid of burdening them. But you are in no way a burden, getting help and gaining support is the best thing you can do for yourself. Regardless if you think that your harm is too minuscule to do any actual damage, it isn’t something you can control. Like stated earlier, self harm escalates and becomes dangerous even if you don’t want it to.

If you’re scared to tell someone directly, send them a message. Text or written, do whatever you can to let someone know what’s going on. If you suspect someone in your life is harming themselves, speak up and let an adult know. If you are an adult, let them know you’re there for them and help them find professional advise.

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4 • RESOURCES

APPS, WEBSITES, HELPLINES

Apps:

• Calm Harm

This app is password protected and provides activities and timers to prevent self destructive urges. It gives options of customization and allows you to change the app to your liking.

• Self Heal

This app provides a series of coping mechanisms for you to use, along with this gives anonymous support features and calming images.

• My Shiny Thing

This app was created in order to distract or take your mind off of self harm. A new installment brings up various YouTube videos and articles to take your mind off urges.

Websites:

• SIOU Outreach

This website allows you to share your stories, listen to others, and provides coping mechanisms as well as how to help. SIOU Works to support those who lack personal care and provide resources to struggling family members.

• The Trevor Project

The Trevor Project website, also using a help line (listed below) specializes in self harm and support. The website contains an FAQ, resources, and takes awareness to those in need of support.

• Self Injury Foundation

The SIF is a volunteer based community, that provides and structures research on self harm and education.

• Self injury - Cornell

The Self injury recovery, research, and resources center at Cornell focuses on adolescents and young adults who deal with self harm.

Helplines:

National Suicide Prevention Line

1-800-273-8255

Suicide Text Line

Text HOME to 741741

24 Hour Crisis Hotline

1-800-273-TALK

Self Injury Foundations National Hotline

1-800-334-HELP

Help for Teens

1-877-332-7333

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5 • WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO HELP

• Classmate

If you think/know a classmate is self harming, tell a teacher or your counselor (or any trusted adult). It’s always good to provide support, but remember that SH is personal and often times difficult to talk about. Be sensitive and caring, don’t belittle their issues or act as if their feelings are invalid.

A question you’ll want to ask is why, but a lot of times they won’t know. It’s important to respect that, and understand that there aren’t always external reasons.

• Adult

While self harm is predominantly seen in teenagers and youth, adults can self harm too. Adults are not classmates, tell another teacher and avoid confrontation directly. This isn’t a very common thing, but regardless is important to realize that everyone may need support at one time or another.

• Family Member

Similar to the classmate scenario, tell a trusted adult in your family (older sibling, aunt, uncle etc...) it’s also important to reach out and let them know you’re there for them. Again, don’t expect someone to automatically open up to you, respect boundaries.

! TELL SOMEONE !

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‼️6 • GLORIFICATION AND ROMANTICISM‼️

Self harm is not pretty, or your aesthetic. This ideal is dangerous and unhealthy, spreading the message that self injury is pretty or elegant.

An example of romanticism and glorification would be describing scars or injuries as something symbolic or more than they are. Molding self harm into something poetic or beautiful is once again the opposite of what it really is.

An extremely common form of this is when someone will take a black and white image of cuts with a weird quote next to it. This can also be seen in the media and cinematographic structures, 13 reasons why being a good example in this case.

Long story short, any piece conveying self harm as anything but emotional distress is glorification.

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7 • RECOVERY AND RELAPSES

Recovery is a process, it’s filled with difficulties and fall backs but it’s also about moving foreword. What matters is that you’re trying, and receiving help.

A relapse is when someone stops self harm for an extended period of time, and then returns back to it. The longer you can stay away from this the better, and eventually the urges leave fully.

Progress isn’t black and white, a relapse doesn’t mean you’re failing it means there’s still more to do and that’s okay. To summarize this section:

Do’s and don’ts of recovery (WORK IN PROGRESS) Don’t:

• view images of self harm in the media, avoid anything that may trigger you

• go near what you use

Do:

• Talk to someone about it

• Get rid of objects you use to harm yourself

• If you have a ritual that leads up to sh, break your schedule and try something different.

• restructure negative thoughts, instead of thinking about what you think you did wrong, think about steps for improvement.

• use alternatives to self harm

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Tending to self harm wounds

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That’s all I have for this blog, again I’m not an expert and a lot of this is based off personal experiences. I can’t stress enough how important it is to tell someone, no matter how scared you are push through.

My dms are always open if you’d like to talk or have any questions. If you think I wrote anything inaccurately or you have something to add please message me or comment.

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#mental health #recovery #positivity post #positivity #suggestions #long post #self harm

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gimmethatgimmethatpeachcream · 4 years

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🎶K-pop Playlist for those who Lost a Loved One

Loosing a loved one .. the most painful feeling ever I ever felt for the 17 years of my life.

A month ago, I was at school taking my midterms when my grandmother unexpectedly left this world. I still remember that day clearly 03/03/2020, I was about to go home after midterms when my aunt told me…. my grandmother has left this world, I couldn’t believe it …. I remember weeping, and throwing up everywhere. I didn’t say goodbye to her that morning before going to school and guess what ….. it is true those quotes where they say …. you’ll regret not saying I love you to the ones you love when their gone.Thinking about it now …. I know there are probably tons of people whom are suffering through the same sadness and grief I am feeling , so here are the songs I listened to that made me remind me of my one and only grandmother… and some ways to remember your lost loved one

1.) Missing You by: BTOB

Yes, it is supposed to be for a lover but honestly go ahead and click the link and listen plus go and read the lyrics. There were 2 songs that made me cry when my grandmother suddenly left this world and one of them was this song. The lyrics went like this ..

“ A whole day went by missing you A whole year went by missing you. I just live like that Missing you missing”

The song portrays a person thinking they could live on without the person they love , but soon afterwards realizing that, the reality is they could not move on and knowing that it’s too late.

I promise you guys to go check it out and understand the message of the song. It’s a beautiful masterpiece.

2.) I’ll Smile Even If It Hurts by: Ladies Code

The 2nd song that made me cry like a lot would be this piece. You guys might have heard of the sad news from 2014 when ladies code lost 2 of their members. But if you have lost a loved one, this song is the main deal. The lyrics are the real deal when my heart was in pain, one of the lyrics that tugged my heart would be…

“ I still can’t believe it It feels like I could still see you I tell myself that it’s a lie The fact that you left my side Your face that’s smiling in the photo The past days that seemed would last forever But one day, suddenly You left my side But I won’t cry, so you won’t feel bad I’ll try living without you now No matter how much it hurts, even if tears keep coming I wanna smile, I wanna think of you and smile”

The song portrays a person in grief after loosing a loved one, and although their heart hurts they promise to smile and move on while missing the person that left this world suddenly.

This will be my number 1 recommended song so go check it out. It’s okay to cry so just let it out.

3.) White Night by : NCT 127

I know…. it’s supposed to be a love song that’s angsty but seriously though, not all love songs an be ‘love’ songs…. you can look at it at another perspective. The lyrics that caught my eye would be ….

“ I`m still doing this and I`m in the memory Of not being able to sleep Walking looking for you And staying up all night again”

“ I try to meet you in my dreams When I try to sleep All my time Today”

The song portrays a individual hoping to reunite with the one they love even if it is through their dreams.

If you guys are NCTzens…. then that would be better. #YUTAGOTLINES I recommend you to listen to this track at night though, cause it’s pure sad.

4.) Goodbye by: Red Velvet’s Wendy

another love-ish song but, this time the melody will make you cry. Wendy’s solo track for the OST album for the drama ‘The Beauty Inside’ .I haven’t watched the drama yet but I have watched some clips and one particular quote got my attention.The leading character’s mother passed away and one of the characters came to visit and she said these lines…

“Now what will you do? Your mom passed away as well? ….. After a tough experience meaningless consolation were all useless, It was like that for me. ‘Stay strong’ , ‘Cheer up’. Rather than those words…. ‘Now how and in what way will you live?’.The person that said so remained memorable in my heart.”

- Kang Sa Ra (The Beauty Inside)

Back to the song… here are lyrics that caught my attention …..

“ I’m right here But can’t you see me? I missed you so much I waited for a long time I can’t reach you So I’m just standing here Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye”

The song portrays a individual scared of hurting the one they long for again so instead they watch over them from a far place but instead says a goodbye to them only hoping for their loved one to remember them as time passes.

Wendy OST queen

5.) Always by: Red Velvet’s Seulgi

This one made me cry while writing on my journal…. yes I do have a journal dedicated to my grandmother i’ll write about it when I have time.

Our Revel members made me cry and emotional . When I listen to the songs they sing … it made me remember all the things I should have done and all the unsaid words I should have said before everything just ended… Anyways here are the lyrics that I loved…

“ We’re a bit far apart today But let me send my heart with the blowing wind My love, don’t be sad Our story Is endless and beautiful “

The song portrays a individual in their own point of view , saying they would meet again with the one they love, and even if it may take centuries or years , the person promises to live until that moment and when they meet again they will spend an eternity with each other

Now this song really made me cry, when I was in the funeral home I promised my grandmother in front of her casket that I would live well and make her proud. I said to her that when the time comes one day when I have to leave this world as well… I wish that in that world we would be together where death will not exist and we will live in that world happily without problems and sadness.

6.) Christmas Without You by: Taeyeon

Taeyeon is the real ost queen but here is another one of her tracks that made me remember my grandma once again. I found out 2 days ago that in our tradition we can’t celebrate any birthdays, holidays and give out gifts for 2 whole years. Yes, It is a sign of mourning but here is a emotional lyric for all of you …

“ That first December when it unexpectedly snowed The holidays that we spent together That winter, we were happy with whatever we did Our eyes held each other All the memories with your warmth Comes to me at the end of the cold wind The season has come outside the window I can’t avoid it anymore” “ The whole world is Christmas but I’m without you Dazzling Christmas but I’m without you After a sad day passes Without being with you I’m falling asleep alone, without you”

The song conveys a message where winter and Christmas is put in the story conveying a sad story where the main character just lost someone they love dearly but now it will be the first Christmas without that person.

Now this is pure sadness cause taeyeon is pure sadness …

7.) This Christmas by: Taeyeon

Another Taeyeon song for you. She originally released this song for her father, thinking about how different it was when she was young and now to when she has grown into an adult.

A similar story to mine is that, I am dumb honestly … I was always rude to my grandmother when she was still here and believe me when I say I regret it a lot.I love her a lot and my heart hurts a lot every time I think about it but I promised her that I will not feel sad for her and will continue to live my life so she would be proud… so now ask yourself if that person you just lost would want you to cry and just lock yourself up because you regret… your guilty…

here are the lyrics that caught my attention ….

“ Christmas, a dream-like Christmas I want to remember The growing trembling at your sweet whispers Christmas, when you were here, Merry Christmas I’ll give you earnest heart that I thought would last forever I pray on This Christmas”

The song conveys a message where it’s finally Christmas and the singer flashbacks to the time and memories with a loved one

8.) Every Day Every Moment by: Paul Kim

This song well you can look at it in another perspective…

This track is from the OST album of the drama ‘Should We Kiss First?’. Its a emotional filled song , another reminder you can look at the songs in another perspective.

For me my grandmother is the comforting arms to the end of the day she was a light from heaven, always comforting everyone with her smile, food, and her humor. And if only I could be with her , I would tell her that she is a sunshine to all of us. Here is the lyrics that tugged my heartstrings…

“ In my anxious and suffering life You came to me like a ray of light and made me smile You alone are enough for me Because there’s no need for words, I know by your eyes Flowers bloom and wither Every day, every moment, let’s be together”

The song portrays a story where the singer talks about a certain person that comforts them and he/ she talks about how that person is enough for them and they would be together with each other.

9.) So Long by: Paul Kim

Yes, another Paul Kim song but this time out of all the songs in this playlist this one stays in my heart.

It was when ‘Hotel Del Luna’ was still airing at South Korea when I patiently waited for each episode every week and this song has a perfect message that made me cry everytime I listened to it, here are the lyrics….

“ Goodbye, goodbye now I just can’t say those words My heart is filled with you The only thing I could do Is to love you I hope I can see you again” “ Our encounter was short But you made me blossom like destiny I’ll dream of you every night But as much as this longing fills me There’s only one wish I have Please stay by my side”

The song has a emotion filled message wherein the singer say a tear-filled goodbye to a departed loved one, the singer believes and hopes that one day they will meet again, in the mean time he only hopes to see that loved one through his/ her dreams.

10.) Coming Home by: NCT U

Yes, another NCT song… this song is quite underated though.

But yes, its another song to soothe you in the mourning and grieving you are going through.

Here are some lyrics..

“ When I walked for a while On the snowy street I turned around and you were looking at me Even when my time is up I will go to you And we’ll go back home where it’s warm”

The song talks about how a certain loved one is the singer’s only comfort and when they are tired and are ready to rest they will return to their home.. whom is that loved one.

The thing is ….. It’s hard

Loosing someone who you’ve been with for the whole of your life and the only way after loosing them is grieving and mourning. I am still mourning up till now , the thing is …. I honestly still can’t accept it and I still want to turn back time and tell her all the things I should’ve told her … but thinking about it now It’s better this way at least now she’s not suffering.

I know how hard it is so hang in there … giving you guys a virtual hug and I got some suggestions to remember your loved ones, I recently started a journal where I constantly write letters to my grandmother, I add stickers , designs and quotes plus English translations of the songs that remind me of her .

It’s a way to remember our loved ones and a lesson learned for the future.

I have many songs in my playlist… so if you want more suggestions go ahead and message me.

And if you guys ever need someone to talk to… just go ahead and message me.

Stay strong luvs

X Danielle X

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sophieakatz · 4 years

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Thursday Thoughts: Writing Advice (Part 1 of 3)

I recently stumbled across this writer ask meme about pieces of writing advice, and I was having so much fun thinking about it that I decided to just respond to them all!

1. Nothing is perfect

This is one of those truths that can be used for good or ill.

It’s easy to see the flaws in your own work, to hold your own writing to a higher standard than literally anyone else would. It’s good to say “nothing is perfect” to assure yourself that your work is good enough.

But if someone has called you out for using racist stereotypes in your writing, and your response is, “Well, nothing is perfect! So leave me alone and don’t tell me to fix it!” That’s bad!

Allow me to misquote the Talmud and tell you to keep two pieces of paper in your pocket, and take each out as you need it. The first says “nothing is perfect.” The second says “I can, and should, always do better.”

2. Don’t use adverbs

Adverbs are tools. Understand their purpose and use them wisely.

To prove my own point, I could not have written that second sentence without an adverb – “wisely.” The purpose of an adverb is to modify a verb or an adjective. It wouldn’t be enough for me to just say, “use them.” How should one use them? Wisely!

The best advice I ever got about adverbs is that they should be used when they are necessary for clarity.

If I write, “Sophie smiled happily,” that is not a necessary adverb. It is already obvious from the fact that I am smiling that I am happy. Using “happily” is redundant and uninteresting.

If I write, “Sophie smiled sadly,” on the other hand – that is necessary. The adverb changes the picture that you make in your head, and the sentence is more interesting as a result.

3. Write what you know

I get why people use this as advice. I’m much more a fan of saying “know what you write.”

Feel free to go beyond your own individual experience when you write – but for god’s sake, do your research. Expand what you know, so that you can write.

4. Avoid repetition

Like adverbs, repetition is a tool. Use it wisely.

What can repetition accomplish?

Emphasis – highlighting something as important.

Memorability – helping the audience remember.

Familiarity – we tend to like and believe what we hear over and over.

Musicians understand this. Listen to the Hadestown soundtrack and keep a tally of how many times Orpheus is referred to as “a poor boy” or Eurydice as “a hungry young girl.” Listen to the Hamilton soundtrack and count how many times Burr opens a song with “How does a –?” Think back on all the times you heard the new hit song of the year and you shrugged it off, but a couple weeks later, after you heard it on every radio station, on everyone’s Spotify playlist, in every YouTube ad – it “grew on you.”

The trick is using repetition just enough that it provides a useful structure, but not so much that it’s noticed to the point of instilling boredom.

5. Write every day

Sure, why not. If you write just ten words every day for a year, you’ll have nearly 4,000 words at the end of it – a short story. If you write a hundred words every day for a year, that’s almost 40,000 words – a decent novella. Writing every day is a good way to end up with something written.

But don’t beat yourself up if you don’t or can’t write every day. Writing takes effort. You have other things to devote energy to – work, school, groceries, cleaning, socializing, confronting your own mortality, finding out how season seven of Clone Wars ends.

I encourage you to notice all the things that you do every day which isn’t officially “writing” but is still a part of being a writer.

Now, this is something I struggle with. I go months without touching my novel, and it’s easy for me to dismiss that time as “not writing.”

But I send emails. And I write essays for school. And I jot down thoughts and dreams in my journal. And I read – you have to read in order to write. And I spend time on my walks and in the shower imagining dialogue and figuring out character paths and themes for my novel, all things that will help me when I do get back to writing it. And I have all the smaller projects I gave myself – this weekly blog post, my weekly poem or quote, my fanfiction.

If you’re a writer, then you’re a writer, whether or not you write every day.

6. Good writers borrow from other writers, great writers steal from them outright

I’m not sure what the distinction is here between “borrowing” and “stealing.”

Stealing is definitely a part of writing, though. I’ve written about this before – check out my old article on stealing bicycles as a writing metaphor.

7. Just write

Oh I am a BIG fan of this one. Even if you don’t know what to write, just write. So many pages of my journal open with the line “I have no idea what to write about.” Eventually, as you ramble, you start writing about what you wished you would be writing about. And then you find yourself actually writing.

8. There’s nothing new under the sun

Sure, but the art is in making something familiar feel new. I wrote about this a couple weeks ago in this Thursday Thoughts.

9. Read

Yes, yes, yes! Read to find out what’s out there. Read to learn the conventions of your genre. Read to ignite your love of the craft. Read to discover your people. Read to add tools to your toolbox (or pieces to your bicycle). Read to find agents and editors and publishing imprints. Read to learn what stories are not being told. Read to be a writer.

10. Don’t think!

Thinking is a tool. Use it wisely.

The best parts of my writing I’ve discovered not while writing, but while thinking about writing.

Just don’t think yourself out of writing altogether.

11. Write what you love

You’ll certainly be happier writing something you love than something you don’t love. You won’t love everything you write, though. It can still be good and valuable even if you don’t love it. But if you love it, or if you can remember why you loved it, you will come back and finish it.

12. Never use a long word where a short one will do

Forget the length of the word. Is it the right word?

To paraphrase Mark Twain and Josh Billings, the difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

If you do find yourself needing to choose between two words with identical definitions, and the only difference between them is their length, then think about the effect of the word on your reader. Read the sentence aloud a few times with either option. Different words have different connotations; they evoke different moods. It may in the end just come down to which word feels right for this moment.

13. Less is more

No, it definitionally is not. See my above thoughts about adverbs, repetition, and long words vs short words.

All words are tools. All words have a purpose. Is it the right word for this moment?

14. Never use the passive when you can use the active voice

Again, active voice and passive voice are tools! They have purposes!

The simplest way to differentiate between the two is that active voice is “the girl threw the ball” and passive voice is “the ball was thrown by the girl.” Both make sense. Both describe the same action. But one places the emphasis on the girl – the subject – while the other places the emphasis on the ball – the object.

Are you trying to create a sense of immediacy, to immerse the reader in the moment? Use active voice. He did this! She did that! Bam! Pow! It’s happening right now, and we know exactly who did it!

Are you trying to create distance between the reader and something in the moment? Use passive voice. He was being followed – by who, we don’t know. Passive voice adds a touch of mystery or disassociation.

15. Show don’t tell

How do you show? How do you tell? There are engaging ways to do both, and boring ways to do both. Do what the moment needs.

In prose, I recommend setting up with showing and then hitting your reader with a tell. Say your protagonist is standing alone in a room. Then, a woman enters. Show the protagonist’s reaction to that woman – their heart pounds, they tear up, they grab a chair for support…

And then, in the narration: “Her mother had been dead for five years, and yet there she stood.” Bam! A well-placed tell which contextualizes the reaction.

Plays and screenplays come down on different sides of the “show vs tell” debate. Film usually does more “showing,” while a stage play usually has more “telling.”

This comes from writers leaning into the limitations of the mediums. The first few lines of any scene in a Shakespeare play lets you know the location and time of day, because they didn’t have the scenic or lighting elements available to show it.

While a film can cut to different places and times quickly and easily, many plays are set in just one or two locations to remove the need for frequent scene changes. A play will capitalize on the characters’ reactions to and conversations about unseen offstage events, while a film will show these offstage events.

These are not hard and fast rules, of course. Plenty of films stay in one location, and plenty of plays jump around from place to place. It’s worth noting that standard formatting for plays and screenplays highlight this typical difference. In a stage play script, the dialogue (what we’re told) is left-aligned while the action (what we’re shown) is indented. In a screenplay, the action is left-aligned and the dialogue is indented.

Neither showing nor telling is superior. They are both tools. Use them wisely.

To be continued...

#writing #advice #writing advice #writblr #writers #writers of tumblr #show don't tell #thursday thoughts #listicles #shakespeare #active voice #passive voice #word choice #just write #write what you know #adverbs #write what you love

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troutfishinginmusic · 4 years

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An album guide to Fuck

Fuck started with a limitation. If you can get past the giggly name, there’s a lot to take in. Off-kilter and slightly unsettling, Fuck is a band that falls between transgressive and heartwarming. In its brief moment of prominence in the Matador stable, the band was seen by critics as a quirky cousin to Pavement. This is selling the band short. A trip through the band’s discography shows one of the American underground’s most unheralded acts. As I go through all of Fuck’s albums I feel like I’m missing out on some kind of big in-joke. But, since there’s so little about the band out there, I wanted to try sum up its discography anyway. All these albums are pretty hard to find, luckily they’re all on Spotify.

Pretty…Slow (1996)

It’s amazing how fully formed Fuck sounds on its debut. The production is a bit shabby, but most of the songs still hold the same vaguely creepy aurora. Opener “Wrongy Wrong” doesn’t say much explicitly, but creates an atmosphere of unease that’s unique to the band. While the louder songs are performed competently, the slower songs (like “I Am Your King,” “From Heaven” and closer “Shotgun (H) Ours”) are where Fuck really shines. As the band went on, the noisier moments would be reined in a bit. Depending on your preference, this might be a downside. Pretty…Slow is a strong debut from a band that knew exactly what it wanted to be from the start.

Baby Loves a Funny Bunny (1996)

Listening to this makes you realize what Matador saw in the band. Things sound a bit more focused, while retaining the same strangeness of the previous album. “Love Me 2” and “Tired” are great examples noisy lo-fi guitar rock. The midsection of the album shows the band improving on affecting folk/country songs about misfits even further. “Part of Me” might be one of Fuck’s best songs, showcasing its talent for heart-breaking slow-burners. The back half of the album is more mixed. “Rococo” is a relatively straightforward rock song (in sound at least), while “Like You” sounds like a Nirvana outtake. “Loosened Mind” is a quirky song that employs a lot of atypical instruments (triangles?) to create something more detailed and psychedelic than usual. “Crush a Butterfly,” another great slow song, is followed by “Whimper and Cry.” What might set off red flags at first blush is actually, as far as I can tell, a song about S&M in a surprisingly sincere way. Other aspects of the album have aged worse (example: The usage of the word “retard” on one song). Baby Loves a Funny Bunny is strange album, but it ultimately made good on the promise of the band’s debut.

Pardon My French (1997)

Mass appeal? Filled with off-center bummer country, Pardon My French stands as a record that could’ve brought the band a larger audience. Strung together like overhearing a bunch of strange inside jokes that you want to understand. The songs are short and work best when taken as part of a whole. Some (like “Bestest Friend,” “Tether” and “For Lori”) could’ve found their way to alternative radio. Aspects of Pardon My French are just as affecting as more “ponderous” contemporaries like Smog and Cat Power. A great marijuana record (I hate to reducing any record to that), shifting from jokey to melancholy. French stands as a great “indie” album from the 90s. Yet it’s still a bit too scattered to be considered the band’s best work. There’s something preserved here, and throughout the Fuck’s discography, that was lost when the genre became more popular.

Conduct (1998)

There’s a certain darkness to this one. Some of the lighthearted nature of French is lost, which is surprising for a band called Fuck. Louder and a bit more unhinged, Conduct tries for something new and expands the band’s pallet a bit. It’s a fractured, drunken masterpiece that sounds more confident than French. There’s a loveliness to direct songs like “Drinking Artist,” “Laundry Shop,” “Never Comin’ Back,” “Get Over Him” and closer “Blind Beauty.” Even goofs like “Monkey Doll” and “Twist Off” are still pretty convincing. Melancholy folk/country is still where the band shines the best, though. Conduct is more like a collection of songs than a collection of interesting sketches. It’s possibly the band’s finest moment.

Cupid’s Cactus (2001)

This one loses some of the immediacy and memorability of Conduct. The opener “Glass Charms” dispels any potential sincerity with a faux-country accent part. Yet, after that point, the music of Cupid’s Cactus is even darker and slower moving than Conduct. A better point of comparison would be a more joke-y Low rather than Pavement. “Someday Aisle” is a gorgeous meditation that feels like a good companion to closing time at a bar. While Fuck was never bad at louder songs, the decision to focus on the slowcore side of its sound was a good idea. That said, the louder songs like “Awright” and “Never Alone” are still highlights and break things up a bit.

“Panties off” is a horribly depressing song about prostitution for drugs (I think), but gets across something the band has alluded to in more subtle ways on previous albums. The intention seems to be that sadness exists but there’s unintentional humor that’s impossible avoid even in the worst times. Some could read into this as mean-spirited or trivializing, but there’s something deeper and more complicated at work in these songs. This is something Fuck conveys better than say Ween.

Those Aren’t My Bongos (2003)

This might be the quintessential Fuck album. It gets its point across more clearly than the previous albums and sounds downright pretty. Those Aren’t My Bongos opens immediately questioning the audience’s uptight opinions on sex: “Does the penis offend you? Do the female charms alarm?” This might be the right disclaimer for every Fuck album. It seems like the band’s overarching goal is to create a sense of empathy and discuss the awkward parts of sex more openly. This is all done with a goofy lightheartedness to help balance the darker passages. The romantic acoustic strum of “Her Plastic Acupuncture Foot” was my introduction to the band. I’d argue it’s one of its best songs. How many bands can successfully weave a cartoon blowjob reference into something so romantic? Throughout the album some slight electronics are used as accents, working to vary the band’s sound a bit. Taking out individual moments on this one doesn’t really make sense; it definitely works better together. One that’s impossible not to mention, though, is the gorgeous “How to Say.” The song might be one of Fuck’s strangest considering how direct and sincere it is. TAMB is a patchwork of strange jokes and melancholy swirling together to make a truly unique statement. It rivals Conduct as the band’s best album.

The Band (2018)

It seemed like Fuck all but disappeared after Those Aren’t My Bongos. I was beyond shocked to see they were back together and had a new album out. This one sticks closer to albums like Pardon My French and Conduct, alternating between louder and softer songs. It’s also lighter and more jokey. “Cream Pie Patch” and “Thirsty Gnome” get closer to the balance struck on TAMB, reveling in sex jokes. It’s hard to call a Fuck album fun, but The Band definitely comes close. “Meet the Gibbons” for example is definitely sort of disturbing in its descriptions of mutilation, detracting from the fun vibe of the previous song (“Thirsty Gnome”). “Leave My Body” is a dreamy reverie of a song, leaning on the folk/country the band does so well. The back half of the album abandons the odder moments for the touching, slow-motion ballads Fuck excels at. The Band is a good example of a reunion record: A bit of a progression, a bit of a reminder. There’s something oddly comforting about that even for a band this deeply uncomfortable.

For a playlist of Fuck songs I put together click here.

#Fuck #matador records #1990s #indie rock

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untildawn-secretsanta · 5 years

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UDHGE 2019 RULES

Hey all, now that we've established that UDGE will be continuing for the forseeable future, we'd like to set some ground rules for this exchange! Sorry about the long wait on this, we’ve both been slammed with work and sorting out a move soon!

It is extremely important that you read this set of rules, as there are important updates since the last exchange!

First and foremost, the main reason there were issues last time was due to people flaking out. Please know that this exchange, and every one in the future, will include a ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY regarding this. In short, this means that if you don't do your part in the exchange (making and posting a gift) with no communication about why you haven't done your part, you will no longer be able to participate in ANY future gift exchange. We feel that it's really unfair to others that some people have tried to take advantage of the exchange to receive a gift but not have to do anything in return. This ruins the fun, as well as the entire point of the exchange. Of course, if you have an actual emergency come up, this doesn't apply, and we totally get if you need to back out of the exchange! Just let us know about your situation ASAP so we can figure something out for your recipient!

The above policy also goes for people not liking/reblogging the gift they were given (barring an emergency related absence). The giving aspect is half of the fun, and that half gets taken away from people who receive no thanks for something that was personalized and took time to create.

Lack of communication was also an issue last time, so we ask that you please make an effort to respond in a timely manner if one of us contacts you! Of course, we realize that nobody lives online, but if there's more than a week of no communication, we'll put you into warning status until you respond. Nagging is never fun for anyone involved, so please please please don't make us have to nag you!

This time around, we're also going to try doing a check in halfway with everyone on their progress! Aim to have at least some work on your exchange gift done by this date, whether that includes planning, a rough draft, or even the completed gift. Anyone who hasn't started at least planning their gift without a valid excuse will fall into warning status until gifts are posted and they post something. If you have gifted for other exchanges properly, we will be more lenient about this, though. Some people really only need a short while to complete their gifts, so if we have a conversation about this, warning status can easily be avoided.

Now that the new stuff is out of the way, here's some of the basic guidelines for the exchange:

STANDARD RULES:

Please make sure that your Elfster name includes your tumblr URL. Make sure you create 6 wishlists, which should include your top TWO UD OTPs, your top TWO UD BROTPs, and your top TWO favorite UD characters. Feel free to add more and/or indicate which ones you prefer, if any in your lists. Having a bigger selection of characters ensures that everyone will be creating content that they are at least comfortable with.

Specifically for the Halloween exchange: everyone must create an additional list stating whether or not they are alright with gore/body horror being present in their gift, as 'tis the season. If yes, please also list any notable triggers or anything of the like that you are not comfortable with. If your recipient is not okay with gore, under no circumstances should you include it. Gore must be tagged with "#horror, #gore, and #body horror (when applicable), as well as any specific triggers in the gift. If you're not sure how to tag these things or what to tag, please send the gift/gift description to @chrisheartley or @joshuawashua.

Please also make an effort to respect others' religious views when creating a gift. If unsure of a person's comfort level with something (e.g. satanic symbols), you can send an anonymous ask, or request that one of the moderators inquire for you.

Gifts must be one of the following: fanart, fanfiction, video/photo edits, a playlist, or a combination of the above (e.g. fanfiction to support a piece of fanart). On October 31, 2019, all gifts must be posted onto tumblr with the following hashtags: "#udge2019 #until dawn #until dawn gift exchange 2019" the tags must also include any characters or ships within the work (e.g. "#josh washington #sam giddings #jossam") and MUST be marked as NSFW if applicable.

Gifts are exchanged entirely online, which means that nothing should be purchased or mailed for the exchange. Artwork should be original and complete, meaning that you should avoid giving doodles/sketches as gifts. For fanfiction, try to reach a minimum of 2500 words (unless used in combination with another gift, such as artwork or a photo edit). Playlists must include at least 10 songs, as well as a cover image (either original or credited). Video edits should be a minimum of 2 minutes in length, and photo edits must include a minimum of four photos, which must all be credited to the best of your ability. If you feel you have an exception, please don't hesitate to contact either of us. Overall, gifts must be complete, well thought out, and should take a minimum of 1 hour to create (this does include time taken to find songs/photos/video clips for those who decide to work with those medium).

This time, we're keeping the NSFW gifts around. However, this requires you to provide an email to or coordinate other social media platforms with your gifter on the exchange date if they have any sort of NSFW image in their gift. Do not indicate that you are comfortable with NSFW gifts if you are uncomfortable sharing emails with another person. We'll post more detailed instructions on how to send NSFW image based gifts after the signup deadline has passed. If you are alright with receiving an NSFW gift, please create an additional wishlist on Elfster simply stating "NSFW friendly". (Note that although you may indicate a willingness to receive something NSFW, this does not guarantee you an NSFW gift). If your recipient has not indicated their willingness to receive an NSFW gift, your work must be 100% SFW (no sexual themes). YOU MUST BE 18+ TO LIST YOURSELF AS NSFW FRIENDLY IN ANY WAY. NO EXCEPTIONS. FAILURE TO ADHERE TO THIS RULE WILL RESULT IN AN IMMEDIATE BAN FROM FUTURE EVENTS.

This exchange does have a theme! It's Halloween specific, although you can feel free to broaden the theme to general fall activities if you don't celebrate or just don't want to do anything Halloween-y!

Emergency Ghosts! They work the same as Emergency Elves, just a little spookier! As this exchange grows, there are inevitably people who for various reasons are unable to complete a gift. As an EG, you will be the first people we go to to take over to create an emergency mini-gift to make sure that nobody leaves this exchange empty handed. If this sounds like the position for you, DM @chrisheartley or @joshuawashua. (This position is intended for those who are unable to participate in any other way. If you’re able to create a full gift, please sign up for the full exchange. If you're available for both, that's awesome, please let us know!)

Participants are responsible for staying aware of the deadline. In the past, Med would DM each participant individually with reminders, however it was an incredibly time-consuming process. It is YOUR responsibility to check the blog for updates and ensure that your gift is complete by October 31, 2019. (Dates are not subject to change.)

Any further questions should be directed to the moderators! Click here to be redirected to the signup page, and happy haunting!

#until dawn #until dawn gift exchange #until dawn gift exchange 2019 #udge #udge 2019 #udhge #udhge 2019

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essaysbyciara · 5 years

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Thy Neighbor II: Lovin’ The Crew [Chapters 14 + 15]

[Prologue] [Chapters 1 + 2] [Chapters 3 + 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapters 7 + 8] [Chapters 9 + 10] [Chapters 11 + 12] [Chapter 13]

Peace, family!

Heads up: these chapters are somewhat long. Winston finally gets some attention! As always, thank you for the reads, likes, comments, messages and positive energy. Definitely wrapping this thing on up soon and that damn Yahya story too lol.

Peace and love!

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Hey, Ciara. It’s Winston…

She knows who you are already…

Hey, Ciara! Thinking about our car ride the other night, just wanted to …

Sounds like you’re asking her out again…

Hey, Ci!

Ci?!

Hey! Made a playlist of those songs we talked about the other night. Wanted to share. Praying for you during this midterm season.

Of course I’ll say I’m praying for her. That’s safe.

All Winston knows since his divorce is playing it safe.

Married at 24, he didn’t know much of anything else. Freshly married, Winston was on his way to finishing his Masters and thinking about his Doctorate. His wife was on her way to medical school with the goal of becoming a research pathologist. In fact, they pathed their entire lives. Degrees by 27. One child by 30, another by 32 and a move to the West Coast. They both wanted the sun that avoided them since birth.

But in the midst of following the game plan, they forgot about their true dreams. Medical school was the dream of her parents; she wanted to study music and dramatic arts, having done a play or two in college. He wanted to travel around the world as a missionary. They both felt tied down by the dreams of other people. They wanted off the path they created for themselves.

So they went rogue. She quit medical school and enrolled at Tisch School of the Arts. He started applying to missions and was accepted to travel to East Africa, to learn from the Ethopian Orthodox community. They were happy, their dreams were no longer deferred but as Winston planned his trip, he wanted his wife to join alongside him. Why do this alone? But that would stop her dream and with both of them unable to compromise, Winston left her to go fulfill what he felt was the mission of his life.

Skype and texts could only do so much. She fell in love with a fellow student. He started an emotional affair with another missionary. Winston was warned of such a thing before he left, thinking he’d never fall for that type. When he found himself upset that his missionary “friend” didn’t text him “good morning”, he knew himself to be caught up.

But when Winston returned home, he killed his affair. She hadn’t. He saw the Facebook messages, found some of her distraction’s clothes inside of their house. A condom in the trash can. He was done.

He blamed himself for pushing an agenda to be free, to break from the plan they had for themselves. He quit missionary work and enrolled back into NYU to finish his Masters. She, however, continued in the arts program and right next to her lover. She wouldn’t concede. Her dream was worth it. So Winston thought the marriage wasn’t worth it and he filed for divorce.

Since then, he’s dated but failed, always attracted to women who would fit inside of this perfect picture of his life. Medical students, PhD students; he tried to find someone that could replace his ex-wife. But then he had fears of his future wife living out her dreams only to find something -- and someone --- better. He felt disposable, like once she would find something new and better, she’d leave.

Ciara fits the narrative with her dreams of a Doctorate and her determination to change the world. However there is something about her dreams of finding the freedom in her faith, for pushing individuality, for being her despite the culture’s insistence that her freebird self was the problem that attracted him to her even more. She thinks about shaking the tables. She isn’t about straight and narrow, she is about doing what her heart feels is right. And she found peace in her heart within her studies, something Winston wish he felt.

And her hips swayed like the ocean when she walked, which Winston felt crash into his body every time he caught a glimpse of her walking throughout campus. Ciara stoked this lustful fire inside of Winston that he hadn’t felt in years. At first he believed all of his feelings to be wrong, writing Matthew 15:19 inside of his journal when some nights were rougher than others.

Winston saved all of his cursing for when Ciara left his car, letting out moan-laced expletives as he watched her walk up the steps into her apartment building. He wanted her in all the right and wrong ways, readjusting himself in the driver’s seat to allow some room for the growth he couldn’t control.

But after a cold shower and his bedtime devotional, his nerves -- and body parts -- calmed down. He gave himself some grace and prayed that night to not let those emotions motivate his actions. He’s seen many of his friends use the opportunity for sex as a reason to act like “good guys.”

Y’lan’s story was warning enough.

But to Winston, she’s unattainable. When he heard Y’lan say that he dated Ciara, he figured himself to be out of the game. Guys like Y’lan are cool and of the culture. They don’t look like church boys. They have one foot in the church and one in the streets. Winston was, in all ways, a nerd. A Bible-reading, Jesus-loving nerd. Ciara doesn’t go for those, he thought.

Sitting in U City Coffee, awaiting Y’lan’s arrival, Ciara doesn’t know what to think anymore. Her ice coffee dilutes as she ignores her caffeinated pick me up by scrolling through Trevante’s instagram to see if she can find “Meganne The Intern”. Ever since that night, Ciara can’t help but think that Trevante is continuing to sex another woman into a mess just like her.

Puzzle pieces start to come together in her mind: no wonder Tre held out for so long, becoming super affectionate and protective once they started having sex. She always knew deep-down that Trevante wouldn’t be able to handle her celibacy. Naivete increases thinking that a man who couldn’t keep his apartment empty if his life depended on it would be able to do such a thing for little ol’ her.

“Hey, Ciara. Sorry I’m late.” Ciara breaks her search to look up at Y’lan almost out of breath in her sight.

“Hey! It’s okay. You breathing hard like you ran here.”

“Yeah, my bad. Just played a quick pick up game with some kids. They damn near ran me off the court. I lost track of time.” Y’lan’s body ripples under his grey Nike sweatsuit. He’s not dressed for a meeting and Ciara’s growing sexual angst does not care one bit.

As Ciara walks up to the counter to buy a bottle of water for Y’lan, Y’lan works through his plot to confront Ciara about Trevante. Y’lan’s anger seethed from his pores listening to Trevante talk about Ciara as his future, as a woman that he’d want to settle down with. There is nothing settling about Trevante, Y’lan realizes. Having seen Tre at his worst at bars and hangouts, he knows him to be far from ready. Ciara would be up against the worst of them with Trevante. Y’lan doesn’t want her to get hurt. Again.

Ciara comes back with her aqueous libation for Y’lan. Sitting down in front of her laptop, she looks down to see a message from Winston. Her curiosity overflows until Y’lan breaks her concentration with a question.

“Before we get to this, can I ask you a question?”

Ciara knows exactly what’s about to happen.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

She knew this day was coming. Ciara stops mid-sip, her chest growing hotter by the millisecond. Dreading what’s about to happen, she feels the mercy in Y’lan asking about it first.

“What’s up, Y’lan?”

“So what’s up with you and Trevante?”

Ciara becomes unnerved at the lightweight aggressive way Y’lan asks his question. Y’lan didn’t enter the conversation gracefully and Ciara can tell that he has no plans on letting up. She adjusts her body in her chair, tilting her head to the left as her eyes squint toward Y’lan, trying to make sense of his tone.

“We’ve been kicking it for a minute. What’s good?” Ciara matches his energy and Y’lan feels the shift.

“Hey, I’m not trying to hem you up. I’m sorry if I came off that way. I just went to go see him a few days ago and he told me about y’all, that’s all.”

Ciara wonders if Y’lan told Trevante about their past. She suddenly feels every pipe within her burst. “Word? Cool.”

Ciara’s pretend nonchalance bothers Y’lan. Maybe she doesn’t care that Y’lan cares. Maybe Trevante found out in between then and now so her inaction to gain a reaction is valid. He decides to go for round two. He needs to know for sure.

“Does he know about us?”

“No disrespect, Y’lan, but you should be the last person to be checking me about what I do.”

Y’lan nods his head to fight the anger growing inside of him. “I’m not trying to be disrespectful, Ci. I promise you. I just … you do know that’s my friend, right? When we linked up to talk about it, it didn’t seem like he knew. And I didn’t want to be the one to tell him because, real talk, that ain’t my job.”

“I agree with you.” Maybe Ciara is done putting up a fight, he thinks. “I’ll tell him.”

“Bet, cool. Like I said, I ain’t mean to make it this big. I just...”

“Does it bother you, Y’lan?”

Y’lan’s mind claims that he’s protecting Ciara from inevitable heartbreak. Y’lan heart knows that he wishes he and Ciara could try once more to get it right. As the battle rages on between his heart and mind, Ciara’s pettiness rages inside of her body. Whatever emotions she possesses about her past with Y’lan are ready to be unleashed. She’s waiting for Y’lan to say just the right words.

“That y’all are together? Nah, not really.”

“You sure? Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying to you, Ci.”

“I mean, you did lie to my fucking face for a smooth year so I don’t know…”

Y’lan walked himself right into that response. He braces for the rest of what Ciara has coming his way.

“Yo, Ci. Don’t do that. I told you…”

“Told me what? You didn’t tell me anything. I found out after the fact that you didn’t want me. You showed me, you couldn’t tell me.”

“How can you say that I didn’t want you?”

“You left!” Ciara’s tears puddle inside of her eyes as she tries to hold back the scream that undercurrents her words. She exhales, closing her laptop with swift aggression. Y’lan’s body sinks into his chair, his mind taking a few more seconds to ponder what to say next.

“I know I can never really earn your trust after that, I know. I’m sorry. You met the worse iteration of me. I’m now a better person.”

“You know, I hate that shit. Why did I have to be a casualty of your growth as a person? I didn’t sign up to be a “lesson learned”, Y’lan. I wanted to be yours.”

“Do you still want to be?”

Ciara and Y’lan both pause at the question that escapes Y’lan’s lips before it could be stopped.

“Y’lan, I can’t… I’m not doing this with you.” Ciara shoves her laptop into her bag. Shuffling to find her keys, she looks down at her phone to see a text from Trevante.

Can I see you tonight before you leave for your trip?

Y’lan has his answer.

Taglist: @doublesidedscoobysnacks @diva-princess-on-fleek @voyagetoadinas9 @walkrightuptothesun @wvsspoppin @dreamlovealways @rockwit609 @thegayaxeman @joyfulwombatdreamermaker @blackpinup22 @hookedtoherfire @kris-did-it @l-auteuse @styleismyaddiction

#trevante rhodes x fanfiction #trevante rhodes #y'lan noel #winston duke #thy neighbor #fanfic

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ofstvtches · 5 years

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ROCKY LYNCH, MASCULINE NB, HE/HIM & THEY/THEM. — looks like SAMHAIN SKELLINGTON is attending AURORIA UNIVERSITY in auradon. they're the TWENTY year old child of JACK & SALLY SKELLINGTON, which means they're from THE ISLE. heard they're NURTURING & GENTLEMANLY, but can also be INFLEXIBLE & SELF-PITYING ; we all have our bad days. people normally associate them with SEWING NEEDLES REPAIRING A BROKEN DOLL , A BAG FULL OF BANDAGES, TRYING SO HARD TO BE TOUGH WHEN YOU’RE SOFT , SOFT HAIR HELD BACK WITH A BAT-SHAPED PIN.

❛ when you saw that little girl , and she was in the sandbox and she was crying , and you gave her your toy truck and I told you we couldn’t afford to get another one. you said , ‘ she should have it because she’s sad. she’s sad , mommy. ’ ❜ playlist. pinterest. to listen as you read.

lol u guessed it it’s me , again , by unpopular demand - i am so sorry. third muse already bc i can’t keep myself away from playing absolute CINNAMON ROLLS so that’s what u can expect from sam w/ a pumpkin spice twist. bc nightmare is my absolute favorite movie and ... halloween, motherfuckers. so as usual this will PROBABLY end up long bc i love writing sam so much so yeah , more below !

HISTORY

So as we know , Jack & Sally were sent to the Isle w/ the rest of Halloweentown for trying to steal Christmas ! And unlike Christmas , Samhain was not born in Halloweentown. In fact , he wasn’t even born - he was made.

Magic wasn’t a huge thing on the Isle - but a resource of science was Dr. Finkelstein , and despite the limited resources and technology on the Isle , the couple begged the mad scientist to create another child for them. And from Sally , it took a lot of convincing , but Jack was able to talk him into it.

It took even more of an effort to pull off , again considering the state of the Isle. But a good few months into the project and Jack & Sally were greeted with the cries of a tiny ragdoll baby boy. Keeping up with the holiday themed names , he was named Samhain - Sam for short.

He grew with multiple touch-ups from the doctor to simulate an actual boy growing up - every year , a check-up making him taller , stronger , etc. And in that process he started to look more and more like his mother , with her big eyes and stitched smile and patchwork clothes. But he grew up loved by his brother & parents - though it never quelled the fact he always wanted... more.

He was loved , he was coddled , and as sheltered as a child could be on the Isle. So , much like his mother , he took a habit of sneaking out frequently and trying to fit in with the other Isle kids , even though he knew he didn’t.

He just wanted to fit in. That was it. And it started off with him wearing large hoods and heavy clothes to hide the stitches on his body as well as masks to cover facial stitches. And while some other Isle kids found him odd and sticking out like a sore thumb , some found him cool. Some found him interesting. But nobody really knew what he was hiding - and it added mystery to someone so NICE , because Sam’s overall sweetness could rival that if sugar’s.

Curiosity only reached dangerous points though when Sam snuck out on night to camp out with friends - and when everyone else was asleep , one removed his mask , and of COURSE did Samhain immediately wake up. He didn’t stay to see the reaction of the other when revealing his stitches , too afraid that he’d be seen as scary or repulsive for what he was. And he ran. He ran back home , locking himself in his room , and those friends he routinely hung out with . . . well , he didn’t talk to them much after that. Because what if they knew , now ?? What would they think ??

Villain & Auradon kids coming together was a new chance for Sam to try and fit in - be more in his element. He was immediately acquainted with a magic-practicing individual ( could be an AK or a VK - this’ll be a wc ) who struck a deal with him to offer him glamours so he could look less scary. Of course , these glamours would have to be applied and would wear off until the next application , but it’d make him feel more comfortable - even though he WOULD technically be hiding who he is.

While Christmas , the elder sibling , would be sticking around in Auradon Prep , Samhain would prefer to move immediately to Auroria University to try and figure out who exactly he wanted to be , and how he could do that. Currently he’s majoring in Nursing , given he’s always had a rather NURTURING and charitable nature - never turning down someone else’s request to help.

CHARACTER & FACTS

So lemme get this one thing out of the way bc if I don’t I’ll be itching about it - but all my resources for ( the love of my life ) Rocky were made by me , and while they’re all from multiple eras from both R5 & TDE , I imagine Sam to resemble how Rocky looks around the post-Louder , Heart Made Up On You & Sometime Last Night eras ( basically from like 2013-2015 ). Here , here , & here for some references. I’m nOT DONE GIFFING THOUGH bc frankly I find giffing him therapeutic.

Now I don’t have a drawn reference or anything for this next part so we’re gonna have to use our imagination here but unglamoured , Sam basically looks like his mom in terms of the fact he’s a little ragdoll baby. Putting on a glamour doesn’t change his appearance much save for the fact the stitches disappear and he looks more human.

The glamour is an enchanted bat charm he wears around his neck that can also be used as a hairtie. And it has to be refreshed every so often , so he has to keep going back to whoever provided him with it so it doesn’t lose its effect.

He still has a backup mask just in case , and he’s been practicing with makeup if need be.

Personality-wise , the best one can describe Sam as is sweet and polite. I included tht Stranger Things quote at the beginning 4 a rEASON bc he’s honestly such a sweet kid and will give anything to anyone.

And also bc I imagine Sally as Joyce mom-wise so yEAH bt I digress.

He knows his manners and treats everyone with the UTMOST amount of respect , which makes it extremely easy to get along with him . He’s also maybe a tad bit too giving for his own good , since it’s incredibly easy to use that to one’s advantage and he’s so inclined to believe people have the best intentions. An optimist , even if it’s to a fault. And then when he gets hurt he just sits to the side feeling sorry for himself like “ :’’’(. ”

Now when I say he’s inflexible , I mean that Sam is a very ORGANIZED person who likes things to be done a certain way - like , he can never do anything without a plan , and if even something slightly goes out of what the plan pertains of , he panics. He’s a goody-goody and he’s afraid to break the rules , which is why he’s still hesitant to even do things with the friends who are more “ bad ” than he is.

Everything has to be done BY THE BOOK and if it isn’t then something is bound to go wrong and Sam’s too worried about that happening.

He’s also incredibly insecure about his appearance but I think I’ve hammered in that fact enOUGH ALREADY

But if he takes his glamour off in front u that’s like. A Major sign of trust. So beware.

Again as I mentioned he tries to hang out with kids with the lesser reputations because :

1.) He wants to give them a chance

2.) He wants to make sure they have a friend to look after them

and 3.) He’s so used to trying to fit in with the other Isle kids that he’s trying to be ‘bad’ himself but it never works out bc he’s so sweet and he can dress in skinny jeans and leather and shit as much as he wants but at the end of the day he’s still Sweet Lil’ Samhain.

One thing he’s always had a fascination with would be angels - he’s always believed in them , always though he’s had his own guardian angel watching over him somewhere , he’s always loved the idea of them. He has lots of angel decorations around his dorm as well as ornaments and stuff for the holidays. It’s also pure irony that he just so happens to be just as angelic in nature.

He’s also a big holiday person like the rest of his family and loves helping to decorate for events and stuff !!

One of his greatest talents is his ability to play both the piano & violin , and he’ll often do that if there’s a piano in common areas or so on. He’s also a talented singer , but he’s so used to putting that to the side , making him lack confidence in his voice.

i v much encourage u to listen to the song i linked i find his voice so....soothing.

Like his mom he’s also very good at cooking , sewing , etc. !! Often has to stitch himself back together if he gets hurt - you know , Sally style.

More basic facts are that his final height clocks in at 6′4 , he’s homoromantic homosexual , and identifies as masculine non-binary who doesn’t really care how you address him. He’s very chill. And sometimes he has to walk with a cane of sorts if his stitches are loose or if his legs are feeling especially weak.

but yeah that’s it on that end !!!

WANTED CONNECTIONS

So obviously - the person who provided him with the glamour. Only requirement is that ur character’s good at magic or something of that sort.

AND ALSO - I’d love the person who initially removed his mask !! Sam didn’t stick around to see them react to how he truly looked , so it’s all up to you on how this character feels. But he’s avoided them since that scenario.

Also , his group of friends around the time that scenario happened on the Isle. Maybe they’re a little more rough around the edges than him , but this group was always tight-knit. And then Sam lightning mcghosted bc he wasn’t sure if now they knew what he really was.

Ppl who think his whole sweet thing is fAKE bc we know it isn’t but it’s so easy to THINK it is.

Also would love some folks he routinely cares for maybe in the aspect of like. Bein their shoulder to cry on. Patching up a wound. Just being There for them.

Folks who in general just wanna know more abt him bc he is kind of a mystery !!

Would lOVE sb who his glamour wears off in front of and he begs them to keep his secret but instead they want him to try n be more comfortable w/ himself and who he is. Bc he’s a cute ragdoll let’s b honest he just. Doesn’t see himself that way.

Ppl who Sam crushed on at the Isle and deffo broke his heart bc life just b like that sometimes

Also present day folks who r just ready to break his heart bc again thats so easy to do

also once more i’m open 2 ANYTHINNNNNNG sam is my Baby(tm) and i’d lov any plots thrown his way !! will probs make another wc page for him like i’ve done w/ luke and am in the process of doing w/ trixie !!

#usoa:intro #abt tag tbd #and nOW i hop 2 do replies !#i hope u guys like this tho sam is like. one of my fav muses to write ever.#he's the perfect man bt also not a man.

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