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morlock-holmes · 7 months

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I didn't say I think "dominant" culture values rational systems (and what dominant culture do you even mean), just that rationalism falls way short on its claims to do so. And I dunno, this is personal, but I can't agree that the subculture that told me "actually you should reframe your entire life around your scrupulosity" is much of an improvement, even if the bar is extremely low. Not when that subculture is full of all the kinds of social manipulation and cruelty it claims to be above.

I'm making very narrow claims that don't really have anything to do with what you're talking about here.

I have trouble communicating how much even high functioning autistic people have struggled with things that allistic people "just know", (a phrase I've heard again and again when interrogating allistic people).

Here's an example, which I believe I heard as a real life example although I can't recall where:

You have issues with the texture of clothing and there are only a few dress shirts you have that you can stand to wear. You have a sudden nose-bleed on one of your shirts and get blood all over the collar and down the front.

You launder the shirt but the blood stains have set in and are still very visible.

Should you wear that shirt to the office?

Most allistic people already know that the answer is, "almost certainly not."

An autistic person is likely to go through this process:

I have no idea if I should wear that shirt to the office or not, so let's figure it out.

Well, I have laundered the shirt so it is clean and sanitary, the stains are just visual blemishes.

All the social messages I've heard since I were a kid say that you can't judge a book by its cover and that looks don't matter, it's what's inside that counts.

And, I have a desk job, I wasn't hired to look a certain way, but rather to produce a certain kind of work, and wearing this comfortable shirt makes it easy for me to work without being distracted by uncomfortable clothes.

Therefore, logically, I can't imagine that anybody at the office will object to my wearing this shirt.

That last sentence is key, and I really want you to focus on it. You **aren't** thinking, "Well, maybe the button down drones at the office think this is a problem, but I know better than they do."

No, you aren't thinking that at all. You're thinking, "I put together the clues so I'm sure everyone at the office will feel the exact same way as I do"

And when they don't, it's a shock.

Now, I want you to further imagine that this is how you reason about other people and the world, but through some cosmic joke you've ended up at an employer where dressing right is incredibly important.

You'll get yelled at by your boss if you wear the wrong thing and your coworkers will turn on you. But there's no published dress code, you're just supposed to "just know" what an employee should wear.

But look at your reasoning above! You *don't* "just know" what the fashion is. Imagine you eventually say, to your boss and some coworkers, "I'm starting to get really stressed about not knowing what to wear to work, I really want to wear the right thing and be part of the team but I don't know how and I'm getting stressed out."

Immediately everybody turns on you. Your boss calls you into his office to ream you out. Your coworkers start a petition to fire you because you're obviously trying to undermine the valuable work culture that they have worked so hard to create. Concerned work friends pull you aside and go, "Jesus, are you crazy? We all stress out about what to wear but you never say it in public!"

Think about what that might feel like.

Now imagine you get fired and at your next job the boss is like, "Hey, the dress code is pretty important here, here's a list of what we expect. Sometimes some stuff is kind of on the edge so you won't know, but it's always fine to ask me if something is appropriate, and if you accidentally wear something that's on the wrong side that's fine, I'll let you know and we'll work on getting you some more appropriate stuff, but you won't get in trouble."

I want you to really think about what it would feel like, as an autistic person, to be at that second job after decades working at the first. To suddenly know you could ask questions or make mistakes at something that doesn't come easily to you after so much time in an environment where you're told that this stuff comes easily to everyone and people only *pretend* to be bad at it to get away with things.

What you're doing is coming in and going, "Well, that second job might be bad for other, unrelated reasons."

I will completely grant that, you're utterly correct. That second job might be terrible for a bunch of unrelated reasons.

But I'm never going back to that first job.

#autism #discourse #rationalism #Rat-adj #The thing that unites the entire rat and rat-adj community is that they believe you when you say you don't understand something #That's not enough to build a utopia #But it is still tremendously important

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coexistentialism · 1 month

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I asked my therapist a while ago if she feels that it does seem like it's a lot more difficult for me to figure out my alters and figure out my system and switches than it looks like for other systems - that is, I've always felt like it's extremely difficult for me to understand any of this stuff - my alters, my switches, my inner world, my system, etc., and I've always felt like it seemed like it wasn't as difficult for other systems as it feels like it is for me.

She said that she agreed with me, but mentioned that not all systems are autistic and that she felt a big part of it was because of me being autistic. And it got me thinking.

Not everything described will fit every single person perfectly. Even if you read one of these descriptions and find that might things fit you, but other things don't, or that some things fit you in different categories, choose whichever describes your experiences MOST.

For example, if everything described in "extremely difficult" relates to you, but things described in "neutral" also fit you, choose whichever relates more/most. This also means that if ALMOST EVERYTHING match your experiences in one section, but a few others don't match, STILL CHOOSE THAT ONE!

If your experience has changed over time, answer with how you first started out learning about your CDD!

Extremely Difficult: (All of these things describe my personal experiences)

You basically never "have a sense of self" - you probably don't even know what I mean by that. You probably feel called out by me saying that (lmfao).

"Who's fronting?" is a question you basically never have an answer to. You might not even really understand what that means or how to even answer that question.

Despite this, you/your alters may have strong senses of selves; may have distinct sets of traits that may seem covert at first but may become very obvious to those who may realize their different alters; you may each have different names, genders, sexualities, personalities, etc.

Or, you may NOT have very distinct sets of traits and may generally share the same sense of identity/self. You may not have very strong/distinct/overt differences in personality, behaviors, traits, etc.

You may feel that multiple of these descriptions may match how you feel.

You're probably more likely to have high dissociative barriers within your system/between alters.

Your dissociative amnesia may be very severe, though you may be incredibly unaware of it. This, too, is evidence of your dissociative amnesia and high dissociative barriers, and I am probably still calling you out lmfao.

More likely to not have an inner world, but not necessarily.

More likely not have been completely, or mostly, unaware of your system, your alters, and/or yourselves as your own indivdiual alters most, or all, of your life.

May or may not be polyfragmented (or suspect that you may be).

If you're like me, you may just essentially seem like a "Singlet." You may just use one name, but the question of "which alter specifically is fronting?" is something that I feel like I will never have an answer to, even in the future.

Neutral:

You might know who is fronting a lot of the time, but you still struggle sometimes. You might have one "main" host who is fronting most or all of the time, and you might really only struggle with knowing who is who every so often. It may have been a bit difficult figuring out your alters at first, but you probably didn't spend years upon years upon years trying to understand where "you" "end" and a different alter begins. Your alters probably have at least some decent senses of selves to be able to be aware that they even exist, even if it might still be hard to know who is fronting sometimes.

Not That Difficult/Not Difficult At All:

Most/all of you/your alters and such have a very strong sense of self - you probably have your own individual names, ages, genders, sexualities, etc. and feel as if you are your own distinct individuals. You almost always know who is fronting and there may only be rare episodes where you may be more stressed and, as a result, may struggle to know who is fronting, but you mostly know who is fronting most of the time.

You may have lower dissociative barriers, although not always!

You may have less dissociative amnesia than another system, but not always!

You may or may not have a vivid inner world.

You may or may not be polyfragmented.

#my posts #actuallydid #actuallyosdd #osdd system #partial did #did system

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shinoposting · 1 year

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A comprehensive guide as to why Aburame Shino is peak Autistic Representation

Very long post under the cut!

( This is poorly organized and doesn't actually include everything, but you know :] )

It starts with the flashback to when Torune was taken and flashbacks to early academy days, during which Shino is about 7.

He showed no interest in playing with other children, or in making friends. He didn't see a point in talking to people who didn't want to discuss his special interest, which he dedicated all his free time to, and he didn't emote when Torune was taken away, even though it impacted him very deeply. Even as a small child he talked "like an adult", monotonous, strange phrasing, over-explaining, and too quietly. When he wasn't being ignored by his classmates, they were trying to use him.

Later on when you see him socialize more, in Pre-Teen and Teenage years, more things become apparent.

In general he seems semi-verbal, most of the time silent, and becomes agitated when forced to repeat himself. Konoha Hiden expands on this, saying that he wishes people just knew what he meant and felt without him having to talk, and that he is bonded to Akamaru because he feels that Akamaru is the only one who he can communicate with in that way. When he's upset he isolates and at one point is even seen hitting his head when he was trying to cool down and was interrupted by unwanted social interaction.

He doesn't understand why people need to see his face, and usually doesn't look in the direction of the person he is addressing. He also doesn't understand jokes, rarely laughs, and angrily dissects puns…but then later puns become his entire sense of humor. He's never dressed for the season, either. Aburames tend to be very covered up by default but besides his Part 1 outfit he is always in multiple layers regardless of the season. (Year round trench coats are a huge autistic stereotype.) He gets along better with people outside of his age group, respected by adults and looked up to by younger kids who think he is cool and knowledgeable. Konoha Hiden also states that during this period he was suffering with comorbid Anxiety and Depression.

There's a lot of black and white thinking on display, for example he is anti-alcohol-- obviously he would have been taught not to drink as an Aburame, but he also doesn't like when others drink. He sees it as universally bad. He's a stickler for the rules and often scolds his peers for not following rules and guidelines. He also seems like a bit of a prude even though it is suggested that he himself has a dirty mind (noticing girls' cup sizes and the implications of Road to Ninja treating his Personal Business as a personality trait) which is a funny hypocrisy I have noticed in a lot of autistic people. He holds a hell of a grudge and ruminates endlessly, which is documented at higher rates in autistic people due to rigid thinking.

He is trying to make friends like Torune wanted, and is now aware that not having friends is a bad thing. He starts feeling the pain of being ostracized not only in general but also by his friend group and isn't even sure if he has friends. He is 17 years old before he understands what allistics consider friend status.

We start to see some of his sensory issues pop up too. He is seen wearing sunglasses even at night and while sleeping. He hates any food that smells strongly and his favorites are pretty bland. He pulls a piece of meat out of his mouth, in public, uncharacteristically violating taboo. He was able to identify the number of people in a distant group only by sound at a time when this would have been above his skill level. (Which makes sense. Team 8 is thus Eyes, Ears, Nose. More on this later.) By Boruto, he has added ear protection and stronger eye protection that he wears when he is expecting to be near fluorescent lights or crowds. Suddenly his overall mood is greatly improved and he can smile openly.

He shows signs of hyperempathy in being overly distressed when losing insects, as he has many millions of them, and having an exaggerated physical response to anticipating Sakura and Naruto's despair.

He has chronic bitchy resting face and is extremely blunt to a a degree of being insulting, which makes people assume he is a mean person. He also comes across as pedantic to his peers, when from his perspective he's just didactic, and even though he over-explains everything his peers still have difficulty understanding what he's saying.

He will also randomly connect the topic of discussion to his special interest and begin infodumping about bugs, and isn't aware that people around him are not interested or worse, repulsed by his special interest until told, at which point he feels personally hurt. Generally his interests are very stereotypical of an autistic person: bugs, comics, ecology, strategy, etc.

He seems level-headed and robotically analytical until he reaches a certain threshold when he suddenly over-emotes in dramatic and awkward ways.

You might notice that when his hands aren't in his pockets, he doesn't seem to know what to do with them; they're always balled into fists, which smells of someone who was taught not to stim. Even so, when he gets really excited in Konoha Hiden and is being himself, he starts spinning around. His speech quirk preceding frequent over-explanations (Why? Because... / The reason is because...) is also considered a type of echolalia.

Mentioning Hiden, in the Blank Period we start to see changes associated with the autistic experience of starting to understand that you are awkward, not knowing how to fix it, and all the anxiety that comes with that. He is stuck riding the lag train and is fully ready to become a hermit in the woods.

He isn't understood in the way that he wants to be understood. He can't let himself get comfortable in other people's homes. He uses his trench coat as a barrier between himself and other people, treating it like a security blanket. He still doesn't understand how his choice of attire affects people's perception of him and becomes agitated when he's told it makes him look suspicious. He doesn't appear to be pursuing any intimate relationships, and displays a lack of boundaries when picking Choji up with his insects when he gets excited.

The lag train becomes even more apparent in Boruto. He hasn't found a partner, his friends are growing even further away from him, and possibly worst of all he's seen as more childish-- too grown-up as a kid, too immature as an adult.

He is masking extremely heavily for the sake of his career, mirroring Iruka, removing almost all of his personal identity from his appearance including the parts that made him feel safe-- everything has to be professional. This actually hurts his ability to work with kids because he already knew how to talk to them, but he is now trying to emulate the image of a teacher for the sake of professionalism.

In the classroom he struggles with things I have seen real-life autistic teachers talk about: He works well with the younger kids, they love him and his fun facts, but the older ones can tell that there is something different about him and they will ignore or outright bully him. It's very difficult to control them or hold their interest. (He later develops stomach problems due to stress from working with said older kids)

The big problem is that he is not good at masking. In traditional settings with very clearly defined roles and rules of how to act and what to say he gets by just fine, but in organic interactions it's nothing but spaghetti and this causes him severe stress. He is proud of himself for being able to speak to many people in a day now but at what cost? Pattern recognition and rigid thinking of course leads to rumination spirals, and under extreme pressure he starts reverting to childish things. He has only had Kura-maa a short time before he becomes attached and starts personifying it. This may seem childish, but autistic people are more likely to do this and will continue to do so later into life than their allistic peers. (See Object Personification in Autism: This paper will be very sad if you don’t read it)

He has become a real people-pleaser, allowing himself to be imposed upon constantly, and apologizes excessively even for situations that were not his fault, which are both behaviors many autistic people pick up. And, for all his masking, he can't hide that he is still terrible at understanding and constructing metaphors, ie "bad insects" and the yakisoba bun analogy.

He is trying his damnedest to adapt and accommodate himself in a rapidly changing world that wasn't very friendly to him to begin with. He was able to slide under the radar as respectable and somewhat normal when the world was as rigid as he is. Now every day he's facing new challenges that he isn't used to and he's acting a little fucked up and neurotic, overcompensating and making it worse.

So yeah, maybe he's not 'cool' by most standards. Not everyone gets a happy ending where they become the most ideal version of themselves. Not in real life, and not in animes that have hundreds of characters. What's important is that he is exactly on the trajectory set by previous installments to the series and very accurately and thoroughly depicting autistic struggles in every aspect of life. And that's pretty cool to me. :)

#i might be tagging this as a #naruto headcanon #but when a character is going above and beyond meeting DSM-5 criteria onscreen it's not really a 'headcanon' anymore is it?#shinoposting #shino #aburame shino #shino aburame #naruto #autism #autistic #autistic representation #character analysis #neurodivergent #nart #headcanon zone

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hunnybel · 1 year

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Something that's been on my mind recently.

It took me a long time to be Comfortable with the idea of being Ace and Autistic. Both are very much part of me in ways I do not deny. But it's more about the Interactions of the two.

I'm tactile defensive against any touch that's sexual in nature, thus I'm sex repulsed. I do not understand the social appeal of sexual relationships, why anyone would want to go through the social nightmare of being sexual with another person. And it sounds like a sensory nightmare, all the smells sights sounds and feelings seem Horrid.

And these things are at the intersection of Asexuality and Autism. And for a very long time, years, I had a sort of Imposter syndrome. "My Asexuality is probably a result of my Autism. Therefore am I Really Asexual? If I was Allistic, would I still be Ace? I'm just a conditional Ace, because my brain is wired differently, because it make it so I don't experience sexual attraction and find the idea of participating in anything sexual Gross."

And after all that time feeling Bad and Fake, I just took a step back and thought "So What?"

So what if my Asexuality is a result of my Autism? What does that matter? The Reasons for my Asexuality don't make my experiences any more or less Valid. I am Asexual regardless. There is no reason to think of it as conditional because this is Who I Am. What ifs don't change my lived experience, how I experience my attractions and lack there of. And I think its exactly because of my lived experience as someone with Autism that I was so distraught and ready to dismiss my own feelings.

And I wonder if anyone else also feels this. That their Asexuality is Fake or not As Real because its contingent on their Neurodivergency, a symptom, a result. And to anyone who may feel that way, I want to say So What.

You are who you are, the reasons Behind why don't matter as much as what you are experiencing and living through in the moment. Might it be different if you were different? Sure, maybe! But why does that have to reflect on who you are right now, every part of you, related or not, are Valid and you know who you are, regardless of any reasons your brain might try to use to make you feel like an Imposter in your own Identity. And don't let anyone else try and tell you otherwise either. No one else knows you and what's going on in your head and your heart and your hormones better than you.

#actually autistic #actually asexual #asexual #ace #lgbtqia #lgbt #lgbtq+#actually asd

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unpopularcharisma · 12 days

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Starting to realize Autism isn’t really a “disability” or a “disorder”

Don’t fight me because I did write a post not too long ago about how separating autism into high and low functioning takes away the “disability.” I do think it’s problematic to separate the two and gives superiority complex to think that higher functioning autistics are better when we all face challenges. I have been heavily doing research on Autism in the past month so my views are changing rapidly (I will admit that) since I’m still new to all of this information and I have come to the conclusion that Autism isn’t a disorder or a disability, it’s a neurotype that is not “typical” its difference.

Even if people do consider Autism a disability, it’s only a disability due to having to navigate in a world that is designed for Allistics or Neurotypicals. Disability is about context more than a person. You give a “disabled” person an accommodation and they will feel less disabled or not disabled at all. I read a comment about a woman who is a dwarf who stated she only feels disabled when she is out in the world navigating a world designed for regular sized people. At home she didn’t feel disabled at all because her house was specifically built to accommodate her with lower counters, fridge, shelves, cabinets, tables, bed, etc. If dwarfism was the norm then we would be the disabled and there would have to be accommodations for tall people to fit through short doors. If Autism was the norm, Neurotypicals would be disabled and so forth.

I went to University with a girl who was in a wheelchair and she didn’t have an electric one either, she had a regular wheel chair she rolled. She was very sweet and I would joke that she could probably kick our asses because she probably had crazy upper body strength. She didn’t let her wheelchair stop her. She was studying at university, had a car that accommodated her and she would be at the college parties with a dress and heels on in her wheel chair. In her mind she was one of us. I admired that about her. The last time I checked she was into modeling and did handicap sports and also had a love interest. Disability is in the mindset and other peoples perceptions of you more than anything. You are able, you just need accommodations.

I know many higher needs autistics like to consider themselves as disabled which is fine. That is your prerogative and I won’t take that from you. I just think it’s unfair to assume that people who don’t are being ableist when that could be further from the truth. I can imagine in about 20 years Autism likely won’t be considered a disorder anymore. With more research slowly emerging it will be more understood in the next couple of decades, even if I had to play a part in it myself. Autism is slowly being considered as a condition now which I prefer over disorder or a disability.

I know that many Autistics have other underlying issues but those issues are not associated with Autism alone. They are likely linked to other developmental delays and learning disabilities. Just like Neurotypicals have developmental delays and learning disabilities as well.

And I’ll end this by saying, you meet an autistic person you met one Autistic person. We are all different in our own ways when it comes to personality, beliefs, opinions, hobbies, special interests, etc. There is no one size fit all to Autism.

Edit: I do not expect everyone to agree with this take but to say that it’s incorrect and harmful is a bit extreme. We all have our own perspectives. I do not consider Autism a disorder, the more I do research the more I just see it as a matter of difference. I am not the only one who has this pov. I follow other autistics who consider this as well. It seems the ones who were diagnosed later in life as adults have a different perspective which would make sense if you go most of your life not knowing why you’re different opposed to people diagnosed as children being told most of their life why they’re different. I clearly said if you consider it to be a disability that is YOUR PREROGATIVE. Take care 😊

#autism #autistic adult #actually autistic #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #autistic spectrum #autistic community #autistic things #autistic culture #actually autism #autistic #autistic experiences #being autistic

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woah-uhuh-uhuh-uhuh · 7 months

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Christine Canigula was socially ostracized & developed a complex to protect herself: an essay

(suddenly i NEED to infodump about Christine actually so here)

Something I only noticed on rewatch: the way Christine will say something silly and then just kind of gingerly wait to see if Jeremy reacts well to it before continuing, almost like she's asking permission?? (e.g. the gap after the first stanza of "Play Rehearsal"). And it's only after he riffs off her bowling alley bit that she feels comfortable talking about her personal feelings with him (right before "Guy that I'd Kinda be Into"). The same happens with their "weird noise" exchange immediately before "It's pretty killer to sit and chat with you." I know theater relies on being succinct, and that 'bonding over shared quirks' and 'feelings talk' are both just crucial parts of relationship development... but I don't think it's a coincidence that it always goes in that order!

It's like Jeremy has to pass these *trials of weirdness* before she feels safe opening up to him and it drives me BONKERS so I wrote a whole 1000 word thing about it under the cut and this got too massive and I'm sorry. Also some autistic Jeremy meta at the end if that sweetens the pot hehehe

Table of contents:

Why she was ostracized

How she was ostracized

How that might inform her pattern of relationship development with Jeremy and Jake

How gender caused Jeremy's experiences to differ from hers, and how that affects their current relationships with "popularity" and peer acceptance.

1. Why she was ostracized

I am just so certain that Christine has been bullied or at least majorly outcast for a lot of her life. She's very obviously neurodivergent and because of that she can have these obnoxiously deep and repetitive interests, she can't judge if a piece of information will be genuinely interesting to someone, and she doesn't take social cues very well.

She frequently interrupts people when they're talking (an ADHD symptom btw), even when they're literally talking to her about the thing she wants to hear!

(C: "Do you find that? Because I totally find that!" J: "Uh, yeah, I-" C: "-And no matter how hard I try....")

(J: "I know the last thing I deserve is another shot, but-" C:"Jeremy, just... say what's on your mind.") (girl I'm sorry but that's what he was doing..... I have a whole other thoughtpiece on how this particularly fucks with Jeremy while they're dating but thats another thing...)

She doesn't seem confident in her interpretations of people's emotions and she'll ask/talk about them point blank (both theirs and her own) in a way a lot of people would find rude

("Uh, you seem really nervous...") ("Popular people are fucked up! *mutual laughter* …I mean, you're one of them!") ("I am flattered, this is new / still I'm not sure what I should do" <- as a response to getting asked out, that's pretty bold! Plus the entire part where she laughs at Jake's "rich boy routine") (also compare and contrast to Jeremy's "I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now." idk. are your allistic stage dorks in the room with us right now motherfuckers)

I'd go on about her hyperfixations/special interests too but I think Play Rehearsal pretty much sums it up lol

2. How she was ostracized

All this to say that I am CERTAIN she spent a lot of her schooling having "nice girls" patiently let her sit with them at lunch for weeks at a time until they finally get sick of her rambling and faux pas. Only when they leave does Christine realize that they didn't actually care about anything she said... And this happens over and over and over. (I know this seems hella specific but I swear it's an actual phenomenon... at least I'm pretty sure? sdjflksjf)

But anyway, it's clear that by the time they're juniors, Christine has kind of (and I do only mean kind of) figured out what behaviour other people respond poorly to. And from evidence I stated in the intro, I think she's become really careful about which people she lets herself get attached to. She doesn't want this to ever happen again - which means if she's going to hang out with someone, she has to know that they actually care about her, that they know she will sometimes be obnoxious or blunt, and they'll still be okay with that forever.

3. Applying this to her canon relationships

You can extend this to Jake, someone who sees her in her element in drama rehearsal (the thing everyone finds annoying about her because she won't shut up about it) and STILL likes her. I think it's a totally valid reading that her bluntness with him later ("Upgrade") is just because she misreads him / doesn't quite get the social standard that she should be white lying instead. But I think you could also read her as testing the waters. If she's really going to commit to dating this guy, she's gotta know he's okay with her being herself. And the fact that this guy (and I think it's significant that he is a boy, for reasons I'll explain in the end note) genuinely seems to like her is a whole new level of peer validation ("I am flattered, this is new") -- so of course she's gonna fall at least a little! It doesn't hurt that he's "tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am..." just like her!

Her history with being pity-liked makes Chloe's "advice," that Jake's just toying with her and is going to move on soon, even scarier, because that's genuinely happened to her (on a platonic level) so many times before.

Jeremy is also a good candidate from the beginning because he's weird he's a weirdo he doesn't fit in and he doesn't wanna fit in you ever see him without this stupid cardigan on? that's weird! And she keeps warming up to him not only because they're getting to know each other but because he gets progressively more willing to not only tolerate (as Jake does) but *participate* in her weirdness!

First, she does something weird and he tolerates it ("Play Rehearsal"); the next time she's weird, he participates! (bowling ball before GTIKBI). Then finally finally finally he initiates the weirdness and lets her join in! ("weird noises" exchange before GTIKBI reprise).

And notably, it is THIS moment that canonically signifies that they've hit the apex of their canon relationship development. If there was an achievement called "Befriend Christine," it would have popped up right then and there!!!

IN CONCLUSION: YOUR HONOR I LOVE THEM T_T

4: Christine vs. Jeremy: Gender differences & how that ultimately impacts their social goals

I also think all of this would have happened to Jeremy too if he'd been a girl. But because, generally, young boys feel less social obligation than girls to take pity on the autistic kid (and because boys tend to be more quickly recognized as autistic) he just ends up completely alone for most of his school life (Michael nonwithstanding - and yeah there's an important distinction between your childhood friend putting up with you and knowing that, woah, I guess literally nobody else ever will).

Meanwhile, Christine has had people "put up" with her, and she's SICK OF IT!

That's part of why their complexes are so different, because Christine is trying to check everyone she meets to make sure they'll be okay with her weirdness before she gets attached, Jeremy is trying to eliminate his weirdness altogether because he's never even experienced his peers listening out of *pity* so how the hell can he expect someone to ever listen to him out of *interest?*

Jeremy has never had someone pretend to like him before, so he completely lacks Christine's fear of befriending someone who secretly hates you. He doesn't realize how bad it'll hurt him if he destroys his real self for popularity, if he befriends people who would have bullied his real self. He doesn't know what disingenuous friendship feels like, so like a very young Christine he's still actively trying to get there because he thinks it's the only kind of validation he'll ever get.

Do you see what im saying? Do you see it???? AUAUGUGUUGGH

THANK YOU FOR READING!!! If you have thoughts or even rebuttals please share i am so desperate to discuss the blorbos

#theres gender theres autism theres stagedorks what more could you want #bmc #be more chill #christine bmc #christine canigula #jeremy heere #stagedorks #bmc meta #my posts #meta #essay #my meta #jeremy #christine #character analysis #guys academia ruined me actually #this literally genuinely hits the full word count requirement for a midterm paper i was supposed to start writing today #but instead i did this

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equalperson · 3 months

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being autistic and avoidant

i've noticed that both my avoidant personality and my autistic neurology impact each other greatly. still, even though it's one of the more frequent personality diagnoses alongside autism, i don't really see anyone talk about what being an avoidant autistic is like.

that being said, here are a few ways i notice they interact in my personal experience:

cognitive empathy

a major part of both disabilities are their impacts on cognitive empathy. autism often causes people to avoid assuming others' thoughts and feelings, while avoidants tend to assume these feelings are negative and personal.

before i developed my avoidant personality, i fell into the latter category. people could be blatantly unhappy and i'd just...assume things were fine.

at this point, however, my avoidant perspective-taking has definitely become my main thought process. i always feel like people hate me or what i'm doing or just generally aren't in the mood to deal with me.

i wouldn't say that i "have cognitive empathy" now, but moreso that i'm too focused on avoiding rejection to not be constantly assume the worst.

self-esteem

another part of avoidant personality is the idea that you're socially inept, regardless of evidence. being autistic complicates this since--by definition--all autistic people would be considered "socially inept" by society.

this makes it difficult to know when autistic self-awareness ends and avoidant self-deprecation begins. am i incapable of [social thing] because i'm autistic, or because i simply don't believe i am?

at points, i've questioned my autism due to this. like, maybe i'm just exaggerating; i've seen allistic avoidants mistake it for autism before, as well.

however, others' perspectives and my significant restrictive/repetitive behavior makes it clear that it's not just me.

self-direction

my ability to manage myself is impacted by both my autism and my avoidance.

on the one hand, autism gives me executive dysfunction, autistic inertia, and rituals that are rigid to the point of self-sabotage.

but on the other hand, being avoidant makes me too self-conscious to take care of myself easily, namely considering that i don't live alone, thus am in a constant state of social vigilance.

for example, i've yet to learn how to cook.

one issue is that i've gotten so used to the routine of having food made for me that it's triggering to be suddenly encouraged to change, but another is that i'm afraid of the attention taking any initiative would bring.

i don't believe i'd be shamed for it, but being avoidant makes any attention feel intimidating to me; it's not purely a fear of criticism, but generally a fear of recognition (which is ironic considering that i'm also a narcissist, making me very attention-seeking, as well).

social skills

not only does being avoidant impact how i think of my social abilities, but also how i utilize them.

being alexithymic, it can be hard to understand even my own motivations in things. at points, i can't tell if i'm being quote/unquote "socially inept" because i can't understand the situation or because i simply don't want to make any moves.

for example, i almost never make eye contact with others. i originally thought of this as part of my autism, but i honestly can't tell if it's that or my avoidant personality.

on the one hand, eye contact is sincerely overwhelming, but on the other, i can easily do it with animals, fictional characters, and my own reflection. i also made eye contact pre-avoidance. maybe i'm simply too afraid of the intimacy, not actually sensory-sensitive to it?

in other situations, it can be a mixture of both autism and avoidance.

for example, i tend to avoid initiating conversations. i don't want to draw attention to myself or risk rejection, but i also genuinely don't know how i'm expected to start a conversation at all.

external perceptions

i've been told that my social anxiety is obvious, but not my autism. if most people knew what avoidant personality was, i assume i'd probably be recognized as outright avoidant very easily.

pretty much everyone considers me withdrawn in some way. i've been called quiet, indecisive, easy (as in "passive"), reserved, and various similar words.

in some cases, this works in my favor. there have been situations where people have treated me even friendlier than they do others because they see me as fragile.

in many other cases, this works against me; people avoid me because i'm too withdrawn for their tastes. this enables my avoidant behavior, as it affirms--and partially caused--my belief that no one could actually want to be around me.

in other cases, people don't see me as anxious, but just emotionally cold. people have sometimes questioned if i hated them or was angry with them due to my behavior. however, this is typically due to explicitly autistic behavior rather than anything avoidant.

apparently, people also see me as somewhat eccentric. my mom described it once as "the many quirks of ian." i'm not fully aware what these quirks are, but they're there.

#autism #avoidant personality disorder #avpd #actually autistic #actually avoidant #actually avpd

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maximumqueer · 1 month

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I've mentioned this briefly before, but I want to talk more in depth about the weirdness and infantilization surrounding Luffy, specifically when people use the popular headcanons of him being aroace and neurodivergent (which I would argue could also be seen as coding) to further this idea.

To start with, Luffy being aroace. This is headcanon I like and agree with. I'm aroace myself, and seeing representation in Luffy (even if it's only through coding and headcanons) is nice. I think a lot of the canon material backs up this reading of his character. He hasn't shown interest in romance or sex as of the current chapter. Where the fandom loses me however, is when they use this headcanon to insist that Luffy does not know what sex or romance are. It has this implication that adult aroace people are innocent and childlike, and insinuates that the only way a person could not be interested in romance and sex is because they are naive. I shouldn't have to say how deeply insulting it is to see my sexual and romantic identity boiled down to being an "innocent bean". I also have to mention that in order for a person to be aroace, they have to know what romance and sex are in order to know that they are disinterested in them to some capacity. Being disinterested in sex/romance (which is very much how Luffy is portrayed) does NOT equal not knowing what they are.

The infantilization of Luffy as a character is then compounded by his second popular headcanon, being that he is neurodivergent (autistic specifically. Again one I agree with). Autistic people are also infantilized and treated like children, even as adults, despite having complex thoughts and feelings like allistic counterparts. We see this with Luffy when people (whether it be joking or serious) call him stupid and say that he does not have thoughts. I've talked about this before, but Oda doesn't consistently use thought bubbles or internal dialogue, so the majority of the time it is up to use as the audience to interpret what a character is thinking or feeling, including Luffy.

And while I do think Luffy can be an idiot sometimes (most of the strawhats have their moments) I do not think he is stupid. In fact, I would go so far as to call it unintentionally ableist to insist a character that is not traditionally intelligent (book smart) is stupid. And again, this plays into the headcanon and coding of Luffy being autistic/neurodivergent. Because it is common (whether consciously or unconsciously) to view neurodivergent people as less intelligent/ closer mentally to children than adults.

I also think a small part of this mischaracterization comes from Luffy being portrayed as a happy and joyful person in canon. Because he is not horrifically jaded by the world he lives in, he must be innocent and naive. As if happy people cannot be traumatized or aware of the issues of the world they live in. It pushes this weird narrative that in order for a character/person to be seen and treated as an adult, they must be miserable and pessimistic.

All of this combined leads to a decent portion of the One Piece fandom dumbing down Luffy as a character and treating him like a child. Which is a shame, because he has so much nuance and depth when you actually start breaking him down and digging into what makes him work so well as a character.

Overall, I just wish more people would stop treating him as stupid and naive because of headcanons/coding and him being joyful rather than cynical.

#one piece #one piece meta #monkey d luffy #character analysis

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thesquirrelqueer · 4 months

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one thing I love about the article in htdio is how each character reads the part that specifically hurts them the most

- jessica wants to move out of her parents house and live on her own. she reads “indeed they are unlikely to experience most of life’s many milestones like living independently” throughout the show jessica is shown to be preparing to live alone and the article implies that all her hard work is for nothing because she won’t be able to do it.

- caroline daydreams about getting married some day and having a family. adding on to jessica’s phrase she reads “or getting married and having children” caroline is a romantic, marriage is very much something she looks forward to doing. in saying that autistic people can’t get married or have children, it in a sense views us as kids who are never allowed to grow up, even if we want to.

- tommy is a character who lives in the shadow of his allistic younger brother. even as an older sibling, he still sometimes feels younger due to how autistic people are infantilized. he reads “this generous doctor has given his differently abled patients the next best thing: a spring formal” referring to jessica and caroline’s lines about autistic people not being able to grow up like “normal” people so in lieu of that they get to have a formal instead.

- mel is someone who knows who they are and their non binary identity is very important to them. they read “for one evening they will be transformed into kings and queens. for one evening they will be celebrated” mel has expressed many times in the show their discomfort with cisnormativity and heteronormativity with the formal so the article leaning into these gendered categories hits hard.

- marideth is shown to deal with a lot of sensory issues, especially with sounds. she reads “they will also face their worst fears: a nightclub full of lights and sounds that could trigger tantrums, meltdowns, or worse” it also feeds into the stereotype that all autistic people do are have tantrums and meltdowns. while these things do happen to autistic people, it’s very dehumanizing to imply.

- drew, who doesn’t want to “be the poster child for if he can then you can” reads “so when you’re feeling nervous about that tough conversation at work think of the brave boy with autism asking the girl he likes to the dance” it’s also interesting that drew has been struggling for a lot of the show to ask out marideth, so this line is an even bigger slap in the face to him.

- remy is an interesting case. he reads “these inspiring kids may be terminally human but thanks to dr. amigo they won’t let their special needs stop them. if they can do it, what’s your excuse?” remy actually gets a song in response to the article called “nothing at all” in which they talk about things such as “nothing about us without us” and how he is so much more than his disability. it’s also important to note that remy is the only character under the age of 18, so having them read the section calling the group “kids” is especially poignant.

#htdio #how to dance in ohio #musicals #broadway #shut up dani #jessica htdio #remy htdio #caroline htdio #drew htdio #tommy htdio #mel htdio #marideth htdio #htdio spoilers #this accidentally turned into an essay sorry not sorry #long post #media analysis

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soullessjack · 6 months

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i think one of the other autistic aspects in jacks character that’s like a little hard to see unless you’re also autistic, because it’s more of a common experience than a visible trait, is the sensitivity he has to people perceiving him as “different.” like, yes he actively wants to be strong and protect people and embrace his powers/what he is for a good purpose, and he even likes to show off and impress or entertain people with them. yes he’s well aware of his capabilities + Most Powerful Being status and literally weaponizes it against their enemies, but then at the same time he’s extremely uncomfortable when people regard him as “different” or dangerous, despite him knowing and owning that in other areas.

when mrs butters says that sam and dean should be afraid of jack bc of how insanely powerful he’s become, he never argues against his power level, only that he’d never hurt them; again, he knows his strength and uses it against various enemies even proudly sometimes. a large part of his character is just grappling with what he is and accepting that, which in turn ties into using it for Good to fight the Evil that’s supposed to be inherent to it. au bobby almost has him thrown out of the camp because he’s a “half breed” who will “inevitably” turn on the humans there because of it, and later on rationalizes that jack must be fully evil now because without his human side (a literal biological aspect that can’t be taken away), all that’s left is Lucifer. jack is essentially feared for being half-angel and looked down on for being half-human, for literally being a lesser human being because his other heritage isn’t human.

while jack obviously embraces their human heritage more, they do also make some effort to accept their angelic heritage for what it lets him do. suffice it to say, “this is who i am and I can’t change it but I can do something with it.” so then, when people view him as something weird or dangerous or simply different, when they see him negatively while he’s actively struggling to make positives out of it, he doesn’t deal with it very well. he strives to be “normal,” while still maintaining the protective role he’s able to fill specifically because he isn’t normal.

and for me, the autistic parallel lies in that directly. the more I’m realizing about myself and my autistic identity, the more I’m able to understand myself and embrace it—and even though my family jokes here and there, they also embrace me and help me feel more comfortable and confident in who I am. but it still feels like almost every day, I’m going through loving myself, messing up because I’m autistic, hating that I’m autistic and stuck like this forever, and learning to love myself again despite my faults. wash rinse repeat. as I become an adult and have increasing responsibility and pressure that I’m unable to take on because I’m autistic, I resent that the world isn’t built for me; that it actively hates and mocks me. countless tiktok core-core videos about how I am fundamentally a lesser human being or not even human to allistics, just because I am autistic. I flip back and forth all the time between “I hate being autistic because I struggle like this and I’ll never stop struggling” and “I love being autistic and I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t but I hate how difficult the world is because of it.”

and honestly both can be true; I don’t enjoy the executive dysfunction and exhaustion I’d deal with even in an ideal non-ableist society, but I enjoy being able to have special interests and experience certain things in a unique way. and conversely, jack likes being able to protect their loved ones and do cool tricks with their angel powers, but they don’t like being rejected or othered by everyone else because he’s half-angel. self acceptance is incredibly difficult to maintain when you aren’t outwardly accepted, and it’s even worse when you’re actively rejected—which true for anyone, but especially in the autistic experience. and again, even if the world was accepting of autistic people, I would still probably struggle to accept myself personally because of the ways it disables me. in that same way, even tho jack is (mostly) surrounded by people who accept him as he is and are equally as weird or “monstrous,” he still feels ostensibly Different from them and is actively othered from them by heaven and hell and dean in 15x18 arguing about his True Place.

another layer of this is that, even jack’s supportive accepting equally-weird family has their moments of othering him without meaning to; he is fundamentally dangerous [against his will], and they’re not being unreasonable when they’re afraid. i think dean even frames it as, “we aren’t afraid of you, we’re afraid of what you can do to other people,” which means to separate jack’s inherent dangerousness from their personhood, when jack so easily conflates the two (and even that itself can be seen as separating your symptoms/behaviors from your personhood).

a lot of dadstiel ppl might be mad at this, but even cas has the tendency to impose Jack’s value with the paradisal destiny Kelly told him about, despite also saying that Jack only needs to be himself to be loved. neither his or Kelly’s love are conditional on that basis, but it inadvertently created a standard for jack to hold themself to and is part of the reason he seeks to make Something Good out of what he’s been taught is Inherently Bad. he’s expected to succeed and actively wants to, but because their natural tendencies for retaliation or anger or impulsivity (things they view as inherently evil in them), as well as their lack of total control, causes jack to falter in fully succeeding and ergo, continue the struggle to love himself on the basis of meeting cas and kelly’s accidental standard.

it’s not their fault and it isn’t Jack’s fault either, because it’s all fundamentally a matter of genetics and circumstance, but it’s obvious to anyone alive that’s ever struggled with self consciousness and esteem that it’s hard to love yourself when the love you receive from others seemingly falters in a specific area, because then you fixate on the area where their love falters and you either strive to fix it or spiral into a crisis that there will always be some aspect of you that isn’t lovable.

thank you for coming to my ted talk.

#spn #spn analysis #supernatural #jack kline #autistic jack kline #autistic characters #autism coded #autistic experiences #autism posting #sam winchester #dean winchester #castiel #tfw 2.0 #dadstiel #cas and jack #kelly kline #liek … He means so so so so so so so so much to me I’m gonna throw up #he’s literally peak autism representation in almost every way and it’s literally not even on purpose . it just IS #autism transcending the narrative …

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genderkoolaid · 2 years

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thinkin about the autigender label again. it really sucks that it got so dunked on by allistics who don't understand how much being autistic can impact your gender & how you are treated in a gendered way. growing up autistic and AFAB left me sort of adrift in gender; i was presumed a girl, but my attachment to girlhood was weak because of my isolation from others, due in large part to my "weirdness". i was always painfully different from other kids, even the girls. i felt like i was some confused alien who walked in by mistake and had been sat with the girls, but i wasn't really one, it was just something people decided because of how i looked.

for me, i also came out as a lesbian very very young, and had gotten my hair cut extremely short even before that. so as a young, autistic, GNC girl, my connection to societal girlhood was tenuous at best. it was mostly idealized and based off of what i had seen in tv shows and books and youtube videos, very similar to my relationship towards romance and marriage as a young aromantic allosexual who didn't know i was aro. very much "this is how Normal People do things, so this is what i am going to do eventually". it was very clear that any girlhood i had inside of me, that wasn't entirely a performance done to please adults on the outside, was something i couldnt let anyone see. my attempts at "normal" femininity always failed and felt extremely off, but the thing i felt inside was also too queer (even if i didnt know it yet) to be acceptable to people. my trans, queer, autistic, ADHD girlhood was clearly unacceptable, but I was so bad at the performance of girlhood as well. There was and is a disconnection between the performance of femaleness people want from me and the thing I feel inside, which has always been entirely my own and unconnected to society's idea of what a "girl" is.

This is all why I identify with transneufemmasc as I do, but it's also why I have a growing interest in "autigender". I know intersex people have discussed how being intersex impacts your gender whether you ID as cis or trans or otherwise, and while being intersex and being autistic are very different I do feel like it's a similar thing. How I have experienced gender socially was radically impacted by how I was treated as a GNC queer autistic kid. My neurodiversity changed how my gender was perceived (because ableism says disabled men are never "full" men and disabled women are never "full" women) and autigender describes that. it's a good term fuck you

#autigender #m.

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dapg-otmebytheballs · 4 months

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something ig is a bit of a hot take (maybe not on twt tho) is the whole people speculating about dan’s gender. it all just feels a bit off because i sort of think of it as his whole sexuality journey and how people were so onto him. he has said that he is comfortable as a man but obviously if that were to change it would be fine and we would be accepting.

as well as saying phil is autistic or neurodivergent based on some behaviours and videos. he has not stated it so we don’t know but if he came out and said he was it would all be fine. i just feel weird about the whole speculating aspect of it.

It's fine to not want to engage with particular kinds of fandom activities, you can always curate your experience so that you don't see people posting that

It's odd that you throw this at me though, who has a whole autism tag for keeping track of these instances where Phil does things that make autistic me feel represented

No one is pressuring them, no one is tagging them, this is just what marginalised people are Like when we see kindred spirits and go all Leonardo DiCaprio pointing meme at them. We aren't trying to get personal info from them, nor are we trying to spread misinformation about them. It is something of interest to me though that when people try to shut down speculation because 'we shouldn't assume', they don't realise that you are taking being cis and being allistic and otherwise neurotypical as the 'normal' there. "They haven't said they are trans so you should assume they are cis" "They haven't said they're gay so we shouldn't assume they are" what should we assume in these scenarios? That they are the 'normal thing to be'? Because people are hardly ever uncomfortable about speculation when it's shit like 'maybe they like cats more than dogs' 'do you think this celebrity is gonna marry his girlfriend this year? I think he is' etc etc it's somehow always only when marginalised people are like 'ooh I really relate to those experiences and went through that phase of discovery, wonder if they are also a part of this group' that people start being uncomfortable. Which is like. Honestly, genuinely, betraying some internalised queerphobia and ableism.

If you have your reasons for it good for you, yk, you can learn to make it so you don't see shit that makes you uncomfortable. It's just v weird to go to marginalised people of that group to say 'hey it made me uncomfortable that you even suggested that someone might be like you'. Yeah we know, we hear that like. All the time. Lol.

This askbwasn't worded very hostile so I'm taking in good faith and assuming you just didn't think about it this way before, so like. Anon if you see this please do a bit of introspection about this. We are tired of having our identities treated like they're radioactive

#got a little longer than I expected but I really needed to say it #bc not gonna lie. repeatedly hearing 'you shouldn't call them autistic!!' is quite hurtful actually #'you shouldn't assume' and you should? you should assume they are 'normal' and neurotypical without them saying so?#okay #asks #ok to rb btw and I'd love to hear from other nd people on this too #send me your phan hot takes that would scare twitter users

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blipblepbloop · 3 months

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oh my god so im watching buffy the vampire slayer with my gf (ive seen it before, i frickin LOVE this show but she's never seen it so im making her watch it with me lol) and we got to the episode where buffy's mom dies and there are so many things i want to say about this episode but i wanted to take a second and give a bit of a rant about anya.

the first time i watched this show, i didn't really know anything about autism and wasn't at the point of suspecting i had it yet but watching it back a second time i can see so much of myself, and my autism, in anya's character. she consistently struggles with social queues and socializing in general, which is such a huge part of my autism it makes me feel so seen to have a character who struggles with those things as well but also SO ANGRY about how she's treated because of it. characters who are supposed to be her friends are constantly getting mad at her or making fun of her for saying or doing something "wrong," and yet anytime she tries to ask for clarification or direction as to what she SHOULD be saying that would make them not get mad at her, they get even more mad at her. for not knowing things she is ASKING THEM TO TELL HER. it's not her fault in the slightest she doesnt understand human social norms, but they all act like somehow she's maliciously choosing to say things they deem offensive or innapropriate. when she just genuinely doesn't know. she speaks very plainly a lot of the time, and just says what usually every character is already thinking, yet somehow she's a bad person and the butt of the joke for it. they treat her terribly, and now in this episode where everybody is grieving and she's so lost as to what she's supposed to do or say, it came as zero surprise to me when she started breaking down after being yelled at by willow for asking how she's meant to act and what's going to happen. she is asking so genuinely but the other characters all act as though she's doing something wrong for asking for clarification, yet im sure they'd get just as mad at her if she DIDNT ask and proceeded to say/do something "wrong."

it's such an incredible, albeit probably unintentional portrayal of how autistic people often find themselves when trying to socialize with allistics. it speaks to me so much, but it also infuriates me because of just how relatable it is to me. im so angry for anya and the way she's treated. i find so much comfort in her character honestly, as much as the show sometimes tries to portray her as the bad guy for these autistic traits she shows. i too sometimes feel like i was just plopped down into humanhood one day, and am now being forced to navigate a world of expectations and assumptions that nobody will explain to me, yet will also get mad at me for not already knowing them.

#buffy the vampire slayer #btvs #btvs spoilers #buffy the vampire slayer spoilers #not sure how many people at this point will be getting into this show and need to watch out for spoilers but just in case lol #autism #actually autistic #neurodivergent

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solardrake · 5 months

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There was a post on here a while back which described navigating social spaces while Autistic like trying to walk through a minefield. One wrong move and, well, you blow up. blowing up hurts, so you create systems, rules, you try and find a rhyme or reason as to how the explosives are laid out so that you might make it through unscathed. I've come to know this as "Masking".

There's a moment where every autistic realizes that they are different, because they step on a mine that, to an allistic, isn't even there. It's a crushing weight to know that there is a seemingly invisible force that will hurt them again and again unless they hide who they are (begin to mask) and try to forge a path. For me it was middle school when I learned this; when I realized I didn't truly have any friends because public school is cruel and othering. So, I changed how I spoke, learned how to tell jokes, developed hobbies that would make me more likable (which is how I started art) until, finally, 8 years later It seemed like I was on the other of the field: I had finally made it.

That all shattered in an instant, in 2021, a decisive step ended with a fireball so large fragments of me are still being found in the field. So, hurt and stricken with the loss of acceptance that I so briefly had, I did the other option that post talked about: I stayed still. Just..didn't move, because if I did I risked being hurt again. New year's 2022 I had moved up north, but still I remained where I was. 2023 came and began to pass, and instead of keeping pace I watched as it sped by.

To put it bluntly, I was burnt out both socially and in my art, full of resentment for what hurt me and shame for not being able to mask as effectively; that version of me had died in the explosion. All these terrible feelings reached a boil when my shame and resentment towards myself was inadvertently aimed towards someone I loved. In that moment I saw that I was rotting...

And I saw how empty I was.

So much of myself previously was dedicated solely to masking in an attempt to fit in, that when fitting in became no longer an option that huge part of myself became void of purpose, and so that part of me itself became a void.

I don't really remember the months after that, but in October I had gotten my hands on a book: "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price. The introduction to that book was like an electric shock to my heart, revitalizing me and reversing the decay- his and other autistic folk's experiences described in the book was so alike mine that I suddenly understood my emptiness and was aware of the fractured mask hanging from my face. Armed with knowledge of my ailment the author then gave me a path out of the minefield...back from whence I came. Retrace my steps. Understand previous blunders, forgive myself for them, and exit the field to forge my own way to live and navigate life freely without fear of being reduced to bits.

I will struggle to post this, I know I will. Part of me masking, one of my guiding rules through the mines was to *never* make sincere personal posts because "sincerity from someone you follow who's not known for it is uncomfortable" (getting into the why of this is a whole other can of worms). But I will do it anyways, because the time for me being avoidant of my feelings are over.

In 2024, I will be fully embracing my autism. I don't know what i'll look like without the mask- I probably still haven't gotten rid of it fully- But I will be more genuine...probably uncomfortably so, My blog will be more self-serving (and probably my art too once I detangle my worth as an artist from how "good" it looks), I'll reblog cringy fandom stuff and say weird things and blog at length about how much I love airplanes and large industrial systems and freak furry things. I will be deadpan and monotone and just be so unapologetically autistic, because then i'll truly be me. ok bye bye

#im trying not to let the fear of judgement get to me ohh. at least after this all my cool blog points will drain so i'll be free #then i can just do whatever the hell i want!#btw. if i've ever randomly ghosted you it's probably because i didn't know how to navigate the situation. I know it's a bad habit I have #so if things are or were weird between us shoot me an ask or dm or something! or don't!!!! but the option is there #terminal talks

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stinetoftdk · 2 months

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I hate having dysphoric meltdowns… By getting misgendered and having the wrong pronouns used about me. I know I can’t do shit about it, because it’s a young autistic boy, about 10 years old, who haven’t learned social rules and may not even be able to.

He’s a part of my karate team and I can’t just quit, because I need my martial arts to be able to regulate my emotions and be functional myself.

I don’t know how to communicate what it does to my and why it’s important that it has to stop. Allistics, don’t understand autism, how are they gonna understand what being transgender means or what intersex means.

I don’t know how to protect myself.

I feel that being open and honest about what I am and who I am, has landed me in a situation where I am getting punished for it.

He knows, I am a girl and he knows I am intersex. Why does he have to say that I am a “man” and a “he”.. and when the other children corrects him, then I’m an “it” or a “that”.

Why can’t I just be me, to other people?

Why do I have to be something else?

I know that what children say, often comes from adults.. is it that the same with other autistics?

How do I reach out to others… I don’t understand why it is necessary to be nasty towards me… I don’t even want to have anything to do with people outside the internet anymore… There should be a block button, so I don’t have to deal with people who feel that they must re-catagorize me as everything that I’m not.

I should never have been open and just have insisted on compeeting based on my lawful gender, and not try to go for at fair approach….

I shouldn’t have to get punished for wanting to get paired up with people I have the most in common with physically….

I don’t get it… What If I started to speak about other people in ways, that would upset them… Maybe it’s just better to be alone… No one would understand it anyway.

Maybe it would be better to just not be here anymore… If I’m not enough of a freak for being trans, well then I can always be reduced to an it, for being intersex.

I don’t want this anymore

So, I actually wished for the first time in my life, that I had been born a boy, ..

Autistic boys can't generally mask, so then my brain wouldn't force me to act like a boy... And I could be free, but then again a male born trans women is mentally a girl, so I'm not even sure, I could escape my masking that way, because autism is about brain chemistry.

My brain is properly going to force be to mask masculine behaviour, for the rest of my life, whenever I'm in social setting.

So my only escape will be self isolation and only communicate through the internet.

#trans community #transgender #transgirl #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtq community #intersex #intersex community #tgirl #autism #autistic adult

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