#(No. absolutely none of that was ADHD. why did you ask.)
Note
Slashers with a hyper S/O!! If you can’t that’s fine, if you can thank you!!! Also here!!
🍤🍤🍤🍤🍤🍤🍤🍤🍤
PROTEIN
Candy Rush!
Includes: Freddy Krueger / Jason Voorhees / Bo Sinclair
Formatting: Headcanons
TW: None! Though I think it did drift into more ADHD territory than just hyper... My bad / Not proofread just typed out in the app
...
PROTEIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Freddy Krueger:
Freddy pretends to hate your hyper side, always complaining about how you're "too damn uppity", running about his dreamscape without a care in the world
But in reality he's just as hyper as you are
Just in a much more murdery sense
He'll never say it out loud, but your hyper behaviour makes him feel young again, and he loves to chase you around, seeing who can outrun the other
He always wins, but you SWEAR up and down he's cheating
He is
But he's not gonna admit to that
If you're lucky, sometimes he'll set up a special dream of your favorite place, giving you freedom to run around and yell to your hearts content, pushing the boundaries to how hyper you really are
The first time you silently approached him, eyes wide as you stared him down, he was honestly a little freaked out
He hates being worried for others, so he won't ask you if you're alright, instead making some rude remark
"Don't you know it's rude to stare, bug eyes? The hell you want?"
You'd never seen him quite as caught off guard as when you quickly poked his nose before sprinting away, giggling wildly as if you pulled off the greatest prank of the century
It's moments like this where he wonders why he ever bothered to spare you
But you're smart enough to know he's going to keep you around for a long time
Jason Voorhees:
Jason absolutely adores your hyper personality
He loves having a ball of energy around, keeping his mood bright and everything happy
He worries about you though, just like the mother hen he is
Be careful running down the stairs!! Don't climb too high in the oak!!! Don't spin in circles that close to the cliff Y/N you're going to fall--!!!!!!
He loves you to pieces but you really test how much his undead heart can take
He loves to take you to the lake for picnics, you spending the day swimming while he watches from the dock
If you give him doe eyes just sweet enough he'll get in the water with you
Though he sinks like a rock
And that's not an exaggeration
He will literally walk around on the lake floor while you swim around him
You think it's the coolest trick ever, and will ask him to do it a lot
And he has a really really hard time saying no to you
Sometimes he has bad days though, and he needs a calm presence to anchor himself to
He really appreciates when you can manage to tuck your hyperness away long enough to be his comfort
On these days you'll walk him around the campsite and pick out cool looking rocks
The two of you have at least two shelves dedicated to cool rocks
Every time you start running out of space he adds a new shelf
Your goal is to have an entire wall within a year, but he doesn't know it yet
But he'll be more than happy to fill an entire room with cool rocks if he thinks you'll like it
Bo Sinclair:
Bo is definitely used to hyper energy, as you can't convince me Lester doesn't randomly burst in the house with five new random animals he wants to keep
He, however, and much to your dismay, is very okay with saying no
"Oh, Bo, look--!"
"Nope."
"But you don't even--!"
"Nope."
Definitely the type of guy to pick you up when you're running around too much for his liking
He'll swing you over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes and carry you around
Enjoys any trinkets you bring him, even if he pretends like he doesn't
He'll toss it in his shirt pocket until you leave
He's got a special locked toolbox where he keeps everything you've ever given him
Will never tell a soul, but once got caught by Lester who was sneaking around being nosy
Bo chased him around Ambrose for an hour while Lester taunted him about his special 'love box'
Gave him a black eye and the knuckle sandwich of a lifetime
Lester didn't go back into the shop for a week
Poor Vincent had to deal with the aftermath of both his brothers complaining to him
So you made Bo and Lester hug and make up
Bo threatened him during the hug and Lester snitched immediately
You shrugged, told him it was the best he'd get, and went back to what you were doing beforehand
Bo gave him another black eye for snitching
#slashers#slasher fandom#slasher x you#slasher crack#slasher x reader#slasher x y/n#freddy krueger#freddy krueger x reader#freddy krueger x you#freddy krueger x s/o#freddy krueger x y/n#jason voorhees#jason voorhees x reader#jason voorhees x s/o#jason voorhees x y/n#jason voorhees x you#bo sinclair#bo sinclair x reader#bo sinclair x y/n#bo sinclair x you#bo sinclair x s/o
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Batfamily (and other) Headcanons that will be canon in my DC timeline:
-Dick is Pansexual. Show me this man in romantic relationships with more than just woman. I also feel like he has potential to be a sex positive icon which I feel is important. Sex portrayed as something that can be fun and casual, not explicitly reserved for romantic partners and situations.
(edited to rephrase and remove offensive language towards the pan community)
-Jason is Asexual. Get some ace representation but also give him some healthy romantic relationships where sex is not the center or a necessity. (I’m partial to Jason/Roy but to each their own)
-Jon Kent is dyslexic. Insert Percy Jackson reference about his brain being wired for kryptonian, but no, the dyslexia comes from Lois.
-Jason was absolutely theater kid before his death who managed to get the lead role almost every time, and somehow maintained a healthy schedule of theater rehearsals, good grades, and patrols.
-building off of the last one, Jason is Bruce’s favorite allowing him to get away with pretty much anything, but no one notices this because Jason is convinced Bruce hates him, and everyone else (understandably) believes Cass is the favorite.
-Cass took up gardening after watching Alfred tend to the rose bushes out front, and is now responsible for the very impressive garden on the Wayne Estate. She loves being to create and nurture life instead of kill, like the was born and raised to. Jason also taught her the language of flowers and she has little flowerbeds for each member of the family. Only Jason knows what they mean (also Alfred but he knows everything)
-Tim isn’t a caffeine addict, but he does have severe insomnia and ADHD. Because of that, caffeine typically has the opposite effect on him, hence why he always seems to be drinking a cup. Either for the placebo effect to stay up and finish a case, or to make him tired enough to fall asleep.
-Damian struggles to connect with people and express gratitude, appreciation, and love. He asked Cass about her garden one day and very intently sat and listened while she taught him about the language of flowers. Each family member woke up the next morning to a drawing of a bouquet of flowers pinned to the door with a knife (Jason has his framed in a safehouse he is fairly sure none of his family knows about)
-The batcave has a secret vault of “bad ideas” which was started by Dick as a child with the original Robin suit Bruce designed (it had pants) along with videos of Dick wearing said costume and falling off of gymnastics bars. (Think of the video explaining why strippers don’t wear clothes with the person falling off the pole over and over)
-Bruce is autistic. He gives off tism vibes (you’re trying to tell me that a man who dresses up as a bat and fights crime as a trauma response to watching his parents be murdered in front of him is neurotypical?) and I also want to see more a positive autism representation in main characters in media.
-Dick’s use of made up words such as “aster” and “whelmed” come from the fact that he spoke very little English when he was first adopted by Bruce, and decided that using obviously made up words made his slip ups less noticeable, or people would assume he did it on purpose. Even after he mastered English, he continued using his made up words because they just made sense (the batcomputer and jl database have a hidden file called the “DICKtionary” unlinking all his words and their meanings)
-Jason can’t drive. He died when he was 15 (you have to be 16 in Jersey to get your permit), was revived in Nanda Parbat so there was no need to drive, and was too embarrassed to mention it by the time he returned to Gotham and the Batfamily. This is his deepest, darkest, secret.
-As a child, Dick was convinced Batman was a vampire (and still isn’t entirely convinced otherwise)
-Tim collects little trinkets. Dick noticed this early on, and made sure to get a little souvenir trinket for Tim every time he went on a trip. Bruce noticed and started doing the same thing, and so did his friends after a while. Tim proudly displays his collection, because to him, each trinket is a reminder that people are thinking about him and care about him. (Most of his possessions in Drake Manor were necessities like clothes, or things he had bought for himself. Barely anything was a gift)
-Jason has OCPD, and needs things to be an exact certain way, and struggles when they aren’t. It’s one of the biggest reasons why he is often so frustrated with Bruce, who tends to do things in a different, certain way.
-Cass is actually the most neurotypical in the family, though because she has learned how to be a person through observing, she has picked up on many neurodivergent traits, specifically stimming.
-Steph’s aesthetic is retro pastel pop, mixed with maximalism. She loves bright colors and loud designs (though purple is still her favorite by far)
-Alfred keeps guns stashed all over the house in case of emergencies. Bruce hates this and has tried to remove them, but has given up as he can never seem to find them all. Alfred also brought up the good point of “I am not a vigilante like you, Master Bruce, and I am not quite as young as I used to be. If there is ever an invasion of the manor, I would quite enjoy the security of being able to protect myself.”
-There is a list of who is banned from the kitchen. Bruce is at the top of the list, Tim isn’t allowed to make anything more complex than instant food, Cass and Damian aren’t very good, but at least make an effort to learn so are therefore allowed with supervision. Dick has a partial ban. He is an absolute disaster in the kitchen, except for soups, and sarma (his mother’s recipe was one of the few things he brought with him from the circus and was obsessed with perfecting it as a kid, leading it to be one of the only things he can actually make) Steph isn’t allowed to cook, but she is a proficient baker. Duke isn’t a horrible cook, but mainly avoids the kitchen, preferring to stay out of Alfred’s way. Jason is the only batfamily member who is not banned from the kitchen under any circumstances. He has a tendency to stress cook, and likes trying new fancy recipes, because on the streets he only ate what he could find. This gives him a sense of control.
-Superman wasn’t a great dad to Connor at first, opting to send him to the farm to stay with Ma and Pa, but after a stern talking to from Bruce, came around started making an effort. Connor is an excellent big brother to Jon.
#dc comics#dc universe#batman#batfamily#headcanon#batfam#batfam headcanons#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#duke thomas#stephanie brown#cassandra cain
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hi belle! what do you think body piercer is like as a bf 👉👈
also would you do an alphabet or something for him? lowkey dying for more content for him
Hiii!! <3
Omgggg wait wait let me tell you some details
He’s very much into punk rock (Fugazi, Rage Against The Machine, etc.) and lives in his band tees. Much like the back room of the parlor, a lot of his stuff is covered in stickers for his fav bands. So I think he’d really like to introduce his girl to his music if she’s willing to try it out, it would mean a lot to him!
Whenever he picks her up, he’s always blasting music LOUD so she knows when he arrives
Big fan of CDs. You can bet your ass that he’s burning CDs for her for all sorts of things. Songs that remind him of her, songs he wants to fuck her to. Some of them are stupid too, like “Good Shit” scrawled in black Sharpie on a disc. Sometimes he’ll scribble little drawings on there too. His handwriting is shit and she loves it.
Also music related, he's an amazing concert bf, always making sure she can see and no one is getting too close to her. He'd be SO PROUD if she went to a punk rock show with him
Now… if she ever did say she was interested in getting another piercing of any kind, he is begging her to let him do it for her (for free, with princess treatment). He’s very much like “fuck yeah, do it” whenever she brings up a tatt or piercing of any kind
Quietly cuddling, he’s tracing her features with his finger, he comes to the bridge of her nose and he’s suddenly like “You have a good nose for a septum piercing” and she’s like “???”
He remembers everything about her, and he makes a point to, even if he has to write sticky note reminders to himself sometimes (ADHD brain as hell)
This man SMOKES. My god his marijuana tolerance level is ungodly. If his girlie is into it too, it would be the joy of his life to roll spliffs for her.
Big fan of getting baked with her, putting on music, and then going off about the album’s impact on the music world because he knows she likes listening to him talk, and none of his boys let him ramble on nearly as much
The late-night diner visits after hotboxing his car go CRAZY (side note, don’t ask me why, but I feel like he has a rubber duck on his dashboard)
One time after a smoke session they built a fort in his room and made out for close to an hour, all giggly and hazy
I think he’d like to let his girl paint his nails. He prefers black, but he wouldn’t mind painting his nails the same shade as girlie’s so they can match
He also let her braid his mohawk once… lol
Tea had sent me an idea about this, but he’d absolutely buy her engraved jewelry. Like… barbells with hearts that have little M’s engraved on them??? Holy shit
Also, from a discussion with B, HE GOES SO FERAL WHEN SHE GOES BRALESS AND HE CAN SEE HER PIERCINGS THROUGH HER TOP
He keeps a Polaroid picture of her both in his wallet and at the desk in the shop
If anyone asks about it he’s like “THAT’S THE LIGHT OF MY FUCKING LIFE”
Veeery possessive. Not to a toxic point, but she is his, and he makes sure that everyone is aware in his own little ways
He likes to be touching her almost all the time. Whether it’s an arm lazily slung around her shoulders or lacing their pinkie fingers together
Really likes love bites. One time he left hickeys in the shape of a heart on her collarbone
Y’all remember that hip pouch thing he wore during the 2020 era? That but it’s filled with his girl’s things like her lipstick or her wallet so she doesn’t have to carry them
Teenage boy humor. Hella “that’s what she said” jokes
He forgets stuff at her place constantly. She’s starting to wonder if it’s on purpose at this point. Maybe it’s his own way of feeling like a more permanent part of her life
Finding his jewelry on her dresser, his lighter on her coffee table, a hoodie hung by the door
Sometimes he’ll leave his keys and come running back into her place just to end up messily kissing her against the wall
Overall, I think he probably looks a little intimidating to people because he has a mohawk and wears chains and platform boots but he’s such a sweetheart oh my god anon. He just loves her so so so much, and he’s so gentle with her. I love him. So much. That’s my baby.
And as for an alphabet, maybe! I’d be happy to if that’s something you guys would want to see
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Adrien is Marinette's Therapist, NOT her Boyfriend and it's Gross
Mental health struggles are no joke and, if you have those struggles, then you absolutely need a partner who will support you through them. That's why, at face value, Adrien supporting Marinette with her PTSD and anxiety is very sweet. It's what a good boyfriend should do. The problem is that Adrien is being written like her therapist, not her boyfriend.
Adrien has his own struggles with depression, loss, and paternal neglect. Yet none of these struggles are brought up once Adrien and Marinette get together. Instead, the relationship is all about her needs and struggles even though this season ends with Gabriel's take down, meaning that focusing on Adrien's issues would have made more sense from a narrative perspective. How much more powerful would the final have been if Marinette really understood Adrien, Emilie, and Gabriel's relationship?
But why do that when we can make everything about Adrienette instead? Why bother to mention Emilie when Marinette is a much better point of conflict between Adrien and Gabriel? After all, if we did that, then Adrien would have a life outside of Marinette and that would be, well, sigh, let's get into it, shall we?
In Derision, we learn that Marinette apparently doesn't have some form of anxiety or ADHD or any of the other things that people have theorized over the years. No, vanilla-Marinette is a totally relaxed, go-with-the-flow non-planner who only started planning after Chloe, Sabrina, and Kim gave her PTSD. Does this insult her character and make no sense? Yes, but let's not get into that. Let's just accept the retcon and look at the fallout of Adrien knowing that his new girlfriend has massive trauma that's mainly focused on romance and controlling situations.
The very next episode is Intuition. In it we see Marinette calling Adrien to show off her ability to do things without planning (or, at least, with less planning) and it's clear from context that this is an exercise that they're doing:
Adrien: Well... (his phone rings) Fancy that! Marinette! I like spending time with Marinette. (picks up his phone)
Marinette: (on-call) Guess what I'm calling for: nothing! Can you believe it? I'm calling you randomly, totally out of the blue, for no reason at all!
Adrien: So you didn't write down everything you might need to say to me based on everything I might say to you?
Marinette: Not at all! Well... I did. I really tried not to, you know, but it was too hard! Anyhow, I limited myself to fourteen possible conversations, including this one!
Adrien: Congratulations!
Marinette: (on-call) Thank you!
Adrien: And did you prepare questions for science class?
Marinette: (on-call) Not-a-one! Not even for the live video conference we're doing with Max's mom on the super awesome Tsurugi space jet! I, Marinette, will improvise questions, unpredictably, without planning anything!
In the context of the show, this conversation is deeply concerning and I don't know wtf the writers think they're doing. There is no way in hell that a 14-year-old should be guiding his girlfriend through a therapy session or therapy exercise unless he has the guidance and approval of a trained mental health professional.
Seriously look at what Adrien is doing in this dialogue: Marinette tells him that she's called him without planning and he doesn't just say "that's great!" Instead, he asks if that's true, congratulates her for her mild improvement, and then prompts her to talk about another situation where she would plan things out. In other words, he's asking about the therapy homework that he's clearly given her or that they've decided on together. It's also clear that this isn't their first discussion on the topic because he's very comfortable knowing what to ask about to see if she's done her homework right.
Why was this homework chosen? Who knows! It certainly wasn't picked by someone with training! A therapist wouldn't tell you to avoid planning for a school assignment (something that we've never seen Marinette overplan before, but once again, we're ignoring the retcon). This scene would arguably be inappropriate for an established adult relationship, but a nascent teenage one? Absolutely not.
My SO and I have both done therapy and seen wildly unbalanced relationships. This conversation threw massive red flags for us on both fronts. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. This is not a give and take. This is why you need a therapist to at least guide you through this type of situation or you will set yourself up in roles where person A is not getting their needs met because the relationship has an established dynamic where person A is the giver and person B is the taker.
This is especially true for a young relationship that's just getting its feet off of the ground. They're supposed to be in the honeymoon phase! More established relationships are better able to handle phases where one person needs more support than the other which absolutely happens and is totally normal. However, when those things happen, it's vital for the supporting partner to have their own support since they can't get it from their partner.
Miraculous denies Adrien this suport. In the very next episode, we get this:
Adrien: I've always seen Marinette acting funny in my presence. I thought that was just the way she was. I thought it was sweet. I thought it was just her charm. But now that I know it's because she loves me and she freaks out about telling me, I feel bad. Because it means that this whole time she's been uncomfortable around me, and I haven't done anything to help her.
Kagami: But you didn't know.
Adrien: It doesn't take away from her suffering. I just wish she could feel more at ease when she's with me. Otherwise, one day, it'll be too late and she'll give up.
Kagami: What can I do to help, Adrien?
Adrien: Thanks, but it's not up to you or anyone else to help. I'm the one who's gotta do something.
No! Adrien, you are not equipped to deal with this solo. Ask Kagami to help! Ask Alya to help! Ask Marinette's parents to help! There are times when it's okay to involve others in your relationship and this is one of those times! This isn't even a relationship issue! It's a mental health issue! I know we're flipping gender roles here, but it's not somehow cute or healthy just because a guy is trying to "fix" the girl for once. No one should try to take on that task. This is what therapy is for.
If therapy is not an option for financial or other reasons, then yes, sometimes you have to struggle through and loved ones can help, but in TV land? Especially aimed-at-kids TV land? Show the ideal scenario! At the very least, show a support network! And I mean actual support, not Kagami asking to help and Adrien shooting her down! Writers, you are making Gabriel's dislike of Marinette valid! You are making it so that she is dragging Adrien down! Stop doing that!
Adrien deserves love and support, too. Adrien deserves to be romanced. Adrien deserves more than a kiss and an "I love you" that he had to fight to hear! He never even gets one of the presents from Marinette's chest. She did more to woo him before they got together and it's such pathetic writing.
The fun of getting these two together is letting them do all the stuff they've always wanted to do! Let Marinette bring him macrons! Let him bring her roses! Let her enhance his wardrobe! Let him write her poems! Let them be a healthy, balanced, sickeningly-cute couple! It's fine if she's nervous at the start and takes a while to act normal, but this show takes it to a level beyond teenage jitters and it's not funny or cute. It's concerning.
All of these issues start with Derision's romance-based-PTSD retcon and it was the worst thing they could have done for the Love Square. It poisons the rest of the season and is why I just can't ship these two in canon even though I love what they could have been. They have established such a horrifically unhealthy dynamic that I can't see this ending well unless they get couple's therapy in the very near future and that's not even touching on the baggage that will come from the lies and still unresolved Ladynoir trauma.
As soon as Marinette has romance-based PTSD, she was incapable of being in a relationship until after she'd learned to manage her PTSD. (PTSD cannot be cured, btw, you just learn how to manage it and the symptoms can lessen.) The writers apparently knew that. It's why they gave her a therapist to support her as she worked through her issues and got to the point where she can say "I love you". His name is Adrien. Isn't he cute?
#ml writing salt#ml writing critical#ml season 5 salt#adrien deserves better#suffering through a rewatch of season 5 for love of my so#ml intuition#ml derision#ml perfection#marinette deserves better#I just wanted a cute romance not whatever the writers think they're doing
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pleasee more of wanda x adhd! child reader u r so good at writing it i relate to it so much😭😭😭😭😭😭 any storyline? maybe wanda gets mad then apologises😍
Sure! and thank you! I just wrote down what I want someone to tell me lol
You got in trouble. Again.
You have ADHD, which makes it absolutely difficult to sit down for hours listening to the teacher talking about something you're not interested in. especially if that something is chemistry. You hated chemistry with all your heart. You just can't stand the idea of memorizing the elements and what they do and what they are used for, you would rather do something more useful than that like painting practicing piano since you stopped because of this stupid subject.
You got in trouble because you kept tapping on the table and shaking your leg all the time. You don't know why you got in trouble for that, the class moves at a slow pace and you just can't keep up without doing those things. Even if you did it, why is it really bothering them.
"It's distracting," That's what the teacher said.
You sat at the principles office with the teacher sitting next to you, waiting for your mother to arrive. When she arrived, she looked like she got out of something important to get here and she looked tired as well. You immediately felt bad for her since this isn't the first time you got into trouble, but it's not like you did something wrong in the first place. After your mother sat down and the principle told her what happened she sighed and promised the principle that this would never happen again.
You followed you mother while staying quiet as much as possible because she looked like she was mad. You got inside the car and sat at the passenger seat. The entire ride was so quiet and awkward, none of you said a word the whole ride. Wanda received a call from someone and she immediately answered. The call did not look like it held any good news.
"shit," She cursed under her breath. You never heard your mother curse before so you guessed it was something important, so you decided to ask her. "What was the call about?" You asked, trying to sound as quiet as possible. "It was a call from Steve, I lost my role in the mission," She said in a monotone voice. You got worried, what mission?
"What mission was it mother?" you asked again. "The mission I was waiting for for years to get the opportunity to participate in, I lost it because I had to get you and they replaced me because I was late," She said. You felt guilty, she lost the opportunity for something she wanted for so long because of you. "I mean I did nothing wrong, the teacher is just a big jerk," You replied.
"Y/N, couldn't you just sit still for a little bit?!" She snapped. You were taken aback at her snapping, she never did that. "I-I" You stuttered, tears starting to form on your eyes. She stopped the car at the side of the rode and put her face in her hand and sighed. "Honey, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you like that," She apologized. "You're right, the teacher is a big jerk, I informed the school about your condition yet they still act this way, I will move you to another school where teachers there are more understanding, okay?" She said and looked at you. That's when she saw you crying. She quickly unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car, went to the passenger seats door, opened it, and pulled you to a hug. "Oh baby, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you like that, I understand, you can't keep still because your brain is different than the rest, and it's okay, I love you the way you are because you are unique, please, forgive me," She said while stroking your hair.
"It's okay mom, I understand, this was the opportunity that you've been waiting for for years and I made you miss it, I don't have to forgive you," You said, your voice shaking a bit from the crying. "Screw the mission, who cares about it when my baby needs me, hm? how about we have a day off today, go somewhere nice where we can relax and chat a little, how does that sounds?"
"that sounds like exactly what we need,"
================================================
I feel like I made Wanda a bit mean here even though I know damn well Wanda would never do that, this is just for the plot lol. Hope you liked this one!
My requests are open
<3333
#wanda mcu#mommy wanda#wanda marvel#wanda maximoff#wanda maximov#wanda fanfic#wanda imagine#wanda maximoff x reader#wanda maximoff imagine
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Wilbur with a photographer reader? I'm sure Wilbur would be her muse.
~🧭 (yeah, it's me again)
Wilbur With a Photographer Girlfriend
Wilbur Soot x Female Reader
Warnings: None! Just pure and wholesome <3
Hello lovely 🧭anon! This idea is amazing, especially after I recently posted Wilbur with a writer/artist partner. When I was 15, I took a photography class in school and it became my entire personality for approximately two months. ADHD is fun… sometimes :’) I hope you enjoy!
Headcannons below cut!
~You two would’ve gone on a few dates before you casually mentioned you were into photography.
~Wilbur would immediately be curious, but waited for you to offer up some of the photos you’d taken before asking to see them.
~When he finally got to see some he was absolutely amazed! You had a ton of pictures of plants, flowers, trees, and a couple of wild animals, but no people.
~Wilbur asked why you didn’t take photos of people, and when you shyly replied that you didn’t have a muse, he immediately volunteered.
~Snuck you on the sidelines of his next gig with your camera so you could try taking a few photos of him, and he was absolutely blown away by how amazing they looked!
~He’d never seen himself captured in this way before, and couldn’t stop showing off the photos on his Instagram, Discord chats, even texted them to his mom.
~Now, whenever you two go on dates, your camera swings on its strap around your neck, Wilbur picking places to take you where you can take pictures to your heart’s content.
~The giddy smile on your face when you peer at the screen after taking a photo and seeing how well it turned out absolutely melts his heart.
~Gets the pictures professionally printed to hang up around his house, in his office, even tiny ones he can slip into his jacket pocket or in his wallet.
~You’re now his designated photographer for gigs, the fans falling in love with your work just as much as Wilbur did.
~Helps you set up an Instagram account for your photography, sharing the link on all his socials for his fans to follow. The influx of love and support is almost overwhelming.
~You celebrate by taking even more photos of Wilbur.
~Half the photos in your camera are now him, but you’re not complaining.
~Especially since he had to buy more cloud storage for his phone to save all of yours.
*Bonus! Mentioned my short lived photography phase above, and dug this out of my camera roll as proof. Sorry about the quality lol.
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Ranking the Paldean gym leaders 1 year late based on literally nothing but my personal enjoyment-
1. Brassius- Arceus' specialest boy that I am oddly compelled by. Truly a prime decomposing corpse of a specimen. Is working on a level none of us can comprehend. Has a delightfully excessive entrance. He turned Sudowoodo into an actual grass type and made an atrocious pun about it. The protag is unsettled by him. He's even (probably) gay. My second favorite Pokemon human of all time after Anabel.
2. Ryme- Ultimate rapper grandma. I love it so much when old women are allowed to kick ass. A necromancer that works through the power of sick flow. If she wasn't from a kid's game you know she'd get absolutely savage. Her saying she'll have the protag's back whenever they need after the rematch with her gave me the warm fuzzies.
3. Grusha- Someone please get this man so much therapy and a new purpose in life stat, he radiates just as much despair as he does gender. Also his service Cetoddle is cool, I thought that was a nice touch.
4. Iono- I admittedly find her shameless self-absorption quite endearing. My child self would have adored her, and her battle arena surrounded by electronic billboards is the coolest in the game especially because Brassius is on one of them
5. Kofu- Eh, I don't have much to say about him. Big friendly guy, definite ADHD swag, I trust him. I wanna hear more about his role in getting the Cascaraffa elevators set up. The catchphrase got a bit old but if I'm knocking points off for characters having a slightly obnoxious catchphrase they use a lot then well *awkward glance at #1*
6. Katy- Loses out in the memorability department by being the first gym you get to. All I really remembered about her is that her ace is a Teddiursa. Her first gym easiness and her dissatisfaction with it actually being addressed by the narrative was a neat touch, though
7. Tulip- I straight up forgot she existed after pausing my playthrough of the game for a while. Like, completely.
8. Larry. My streak of being That Douche That Hates Fun must unfortunately continue. Yeah his shtick is funny but I Do Not Get why everyone is going so incredibly feral to this day. I feel a bit like an alien. Also he gets in the way of staring adoringly at Brassius so very often
So yeah. Nobody asked but I sure did tell y'all
#pokemon scarlet and violet#Pokemon scavio#pokemon sv#scarlet and violet#pokemon scarvi#Character neg
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Thoughts and Observations From The Movie, Part 2/4
Welcome to part two of the silly things and fun details I picked out from the Rise movie!
My sister and I often pause the movie here to reread the options on this whiteboard for destroying the key, and it never fails to make us laugh. My one question: when and how did they test Donnie’s stomach? He wasn’t even there!
Also, feels like a callback to TummyTello, somehow. It also leaves me wondering why Donnie’s Stomach was an actual idea for destruction, regardless of whether it involves TummyTello. Guy must eat some crazy stuff XD
Further content below the cut!
“So… You’re Running Out of Ideas.” by Syr E. Piphany.
Okay, okay, bear with me- I actually have a little theory for this one. This is a screenshot from when Leo asks Donnie to locate Raph. Donnie tells him that Raph is practically- and then that he actually IS- on top of them. What I noticed here is that on this visual locator he has, none of the little character icons are oriented the same way their real life counterparts are. All six characters are in the same area and standing pretty close to each other, and I would assume that, kinda like google location sharing or snapchat location maps, you have to zoom in further on the map to get more specific locations.
This kinda sounds like it’s going nowhere, but what I’m getting at is the idea that when multiple people are in the same location, given that we know the icons will not be oriented perfectly to the people they represent, they’ll probably appear in the same orientation every time.
Which would mean!! that Donnie has intentionally designed his tracker app to have icons show up with this orientation when people are close together, furthermore meaning that he chose to put his big brother in the center of them all on purpose. As an artist myself, this could be coincidental, but very rarely are things like this done without purpose, and I like to imagine it’s a subtle way to represent Donnie thinking the absolute world of his big brother; that he would turn to Raph for guidance even before Splinter, whose icon is on the other side of the circle from Donnie’s.
I also love that the icons for Donnie’s best friend and Donnie’s “twin” are on either side of his.
And, as one last afterthought, I think this could also be a subtle nod to how Raph’s krangification becomes the center of the story and main motivator for all the characters for a huge chunk of the movie.
Does ANYONE ELSE SEE THIS?????
That absolutely looks like a masked face in the biogrowth at the top of this building. In truth, it actually looks a lot more like one of the paper ninjas than it does the Shredder, but the similarities are still there, and it works as further evidence that the Shredder and the goals of the Foot Clan were all hinged around the Krang.
Is anyone else floored by the size of this skull that Krang 1 or whatever is sitting on? I always would forget about it pretty immediately given Leo’s cheeky “surprise!” here, but this thing looks like the head of a freakin’ dragon or something. I wonder what it is? And how it got to, let alone died in, the technodrome.
One genuinely non-serious theory my sister and I occasionally talk about is the idea that the technodrome is actually a massive egg, and this was the incomplete embryo of whatever it would have become. Further non-serious evidence, which can be seen in the next images, is that the technodrome, in spite of being extremely technologically advanced, is clearly… alive, not just pure tech. Actually, everything the Krang use seems to be bio-mechanical in nature, to some degree.
It will probably be made pretty clear here that Donnie is my favourite character, just a fair warning XD But man I love this scene- one, because of the Autism-ADHD solidarity shown between PB&J immediately previous, and, two, because it’s actually a seriously incredible show of strength from Donnie.
Many fans of Rise, and of Donnie especially, also have Autism (like Donnie is confirmed to have) and/or ADHD (including myself) and understand that sensory issues mixed with New Things You Don’t Understand can be absolute hell. Like, ruins your day, renders you inactive, unfocused, nonverbal, made to be a shaking ball of anxiety, hell. Not always, but the point still stands.
Additionally, and as much as I am all for Donnie’s softshell not being seen as a big weakness because it’s natural and still more protection than any normal person has (not to mention the advantages it offers him in terms of swimming and flexibility (also probably feels really nice for scritches and sleep piles)), it actually does seem a relevant point here that this is, technically speaking, the most vulnerable part of Donnie’s body. So actively choosing to expose it to an unfamiliar and highly advanced, invasive and living technology on top of the difficulties that come with the above described neurodivergent tendencies goes against his nature in so, so many ways, but he does it anyway.
Mikey being worried about his vulnerability here, in spite of feeling out of place before, makes a lot more sense from this perspective. Knowing all that, honestly-- it just never fails to impress me.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rise of the tmnt#save rottmnt#save rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#save rise of the tmnt#rottmnt movie#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles movie#rise of the tmnt movie#analysis#screenshot#theory#rise leo#rise donnie#rise raph#rise mikey#fan content#it just me
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i personally agree and relate so much with buck’s adhd + anxiety specifically so i was just wondering if you could go more in depth with those headcanons? adhd buck is so important to me and reading about it and talking gives ME dopamine lol. oooh and the volume control like getting called out on it would so trigger his RSD! and everyone LOVES going to trivia with him for sure hahah sorry this kind of turned into my headcanons but yeah what do you think??!
I'll answer that second ask you sent in separately because Oh Boy do I have some Opinions to share on all of it.
I absolutely adore getting to just sit down and scream about characters and their habits and their mental health and how it all ties together. And Buck has given me PLENTY to work with since I started the show. But specifically focusing in on his ADHD & anxiety & RSD?
Not only does he hyperfixate on random stuff that has no use he CANONICALLY does research on natural disasters after he's lived through them - he did so with the tsunami, he did so with the earthquakes. He even canonically references researching volcanos after the wildfire crossover with Lone Star where he made the trip to Austin to help. This man is a walking encyclopedia of information on natural disasters and traumas. But it's very much a coping mechanism. It's a "I survived this and I have no clue how or why, so I have to understand what the odds were and I need to be able to be prepared and help others better if I ever live through another one of these". It's a "if I understand this and why it happens and how best to survive it, then it holds no power over me". It's a "I can't be scared of this so I have to understand it instead." It's the kind of coping mechanism that I've only ever seen in people who have ADHD or autism - statistics over fear, because fear can only cause harm ESPECIALLY as a first responder. Fear can come later, accept he tries not to ever let it because that makes him weak in his eyes.
The anxiety definitely stims from childhood trauma - look at his parents and Maddie and tell me that their behaviors weren't the root cause of so many of Buck's bad habits and I'll call you a liar. His parents are the reason he's so reckless. His parents AND Maddie are the reason Buck 1.0 was clinging so tightly to the label of sex addict because it was hard for him to admit that he didn't feel good enough after being left behind by everyone he'd ever had in his entire life. And don't take this as me talking poorly on Maddie, but she's also the reason why Buck latched on so tightly to Abby. And Ali. And Taylor. And the 118 crew. She left when he was a teenager, left him with parents that they both knew were awful, and he kind of internalized it and now a few years down the line it's crippling anxiety and abandonment issues and he doesn't have an outlet for any of that. And I could go on for hours about how his childhood contributed to him being semi-verbal at best, and about how much of how he defines himself ties into how he was defined as a kid, but that'll have to be a whole other post because there are so many intricacies to it that it deserves it's own thing.
His RSD. Oh I love the portrayal they give for his RSD. Because it's not just canceled plans and being overlooked that send him spiraling like so many people assume when they hear the phrase. It's someone's tone changing or someone pulling away too soon when he gets comfortable showing affection. It's how he held on so tight until he just couldn't anymore when Abby left because she said she'd come back and she's never lied to me before so she'll come back, everyone else is being dramatic. I just have to wait.
It's how well he just gave all of himself to Ali. She helped him find a place to live. Helped him furnish it in a way that is shockingly out of character for Buck - none of those decorations when he was with her felt like him in the slightest.
It was how he tried to twist and change himself and his relationships to make things with with Taylor. He didn't bring Eddie up to her often, didn't bring her up to Eddie unless he could avoid it, didn't talk about work, let her use his place and his information and his everything to do her job even though it got him questioned there at the end by the Department about who her sources were. And it's there in how hesitant he was to end things. How much he looked like he was fighting himself when he did end things.
His volume control is such a small thing that never gets called out in the fandom posts I do see - the 118 is wonderful at it once they know him, they know ways to point it out without sending him into a tailspin. It's always a gentle cup to the shoulder or elbow or a gentle nudge of shoulder to shoulder or a soft redirection that requires a softer voice somewhere else. It's never a "you're being too loud" or an annoyed glance from them.
From people they save, though? Buck stutters a lot more around people they work to save, he's always trying to be conscious of everything because he's gotten those looks or gotten those annoyed comments time and time and time again until it's become one of his biggest insecurities.
He gives every bit of himself to everything he does, and it definitely makes his RSD worse when that just isn't enough.
#kieran talks#asks#anon#evan buckley#buck#911 headcanons#I had a lot to say about this sorry#I think I still have more to say but this was getting a little long
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do u have any hc's for domestic life w/ gareth ..?
DO I! Oh my god, too many haha. Both fluff and NSFW HC’s to follow so minors, this is your warning lol.
- firstly, Gareth radiates dad vibes. He’s always watching for deals on new tech, I feel like he’s the kind of person to get an in home computer and he’s SO EXCITED about it.
- he absolutely has a VHS collection that turns into a CD collection. Even as they lose popularity he keeps those CD’s and tapes, still has a huge stereo even though he could just use Spotify.
- he hates mowing the lawn, def a cool weather kind of guy. Loves the fall and winter, enjoys going out and shoveling the driveway then sitting outside with a mug of coffee or tea.
- goes all out for Halloween and Christmas, wouldn’t be caught dead with Easter themed anything. It took him awhile to get into Valentine’s Day but now he buys you flowers every year in excess. I could see him getting you one of those lego flower sets so you can save them.
- can’t keep plants alive to save his life. Literally manages to kill everything except one pot of violets his sisters got him one year. He guards them with his life. They froze one year and he literally cried and has never forgiven himself for letting them die.
- drinks black coffee, prefers tea to coffee though. A big fan of Irish breakfast tea. Thinks Starbucks is a waste of time. Secretly goes for pumpkin spice season though. Will deny that like his life depends on it. I just know he’s the kind of dad that would take his girls though, wouldn’t let anyone call them basic.
- speak of dad, he’s def the dad that has the treat tax. Like he gets his kids treats and surprises all the time but he always gets a piece of their candy or a bite of whatever. Yknow that meme where the dad is reaching back while driving? That. The dad tax.
- owns a frankly ridiculous amount of socks, none of them match and he doesn’t even know which ones are his at this point. Like, you’re at the store and he tosses a pack in the cart and you’re like, “again?!” And he’s just like, “listen-“
- he’s def messy but if there are dishes in the sink or coffee mugs on his desk he will freak out. ADHD clean if you know what I mean.
- hates typical sports, will not watch them and will not play them. One of his kids asks to join the football team and he’s like, “why don’t you take a dance class instead?”
- he’s the kind of husband who signs you both up to learn salsa and then proceeds to nearly break both of your legs because he simply cannot dance. It’s okay though because he tries so hard and it’s fucking adorable.
- enjoys slow dancing with you whenever possible. When you two started dating he’d play Top of the World by the Carpenters or Our House by Cosby and swirl you around his parents kitchen. His mom caught you one time and nearly cried because it was so precious.
- this man loves his mother. Like, would do anything for that woman. When he met you, it was exactly the same. Huge family guy but has daddy issues so male authority figures are not his fav. If you’re family though, he’d guard you with his life.
- got bullied a lot in HS obviously. If Eddie came back alive he’d tell him about what Jason did and apologize profusely for spilling even the tiniest bit of info. Eddie forgives him completely but Gareth never really lets go of it and feels horrible about it to this day.
- if he ever found out one of his children was getting bullied he’d literally lose it. Like, irrationally angry and has to go smoke in the garage to calm down so he doesn’t kick some 12 year olds ass.
- teaches his kids D&D.
- always wanted kids, but never wanted you to feel pressured. If y’all got pregnant anytime, teens or later he’d literally drop everything to prep for being a dad. Gets scared alot about not being able to provide for you.
- I feel like he’d take up piano as well as his drums, so he would have something he could practice quietly. Finds peace in creating things whether it’s music or art. Literally gets lost in the rhythm.
- so many good flannels and sweaters
- can’t sing for shit but likes to sing to you
- doesn’t know how to do “manly” things because his dad was not around so he asks Eddie to teach him how to fix cars and build shit. He’s really good at sewing and mending things, likes to cook too. Can’t bake for shit but he’ll try if it’s important. Ended up getting really into cars and bikes, never owned a motorcycle though.
- big breeding kink. Like. Aggressively into it lol.
- he rips your underwear a lot because he’s needy and just pulls them off lmao
- has broken two bed frames of yours, once in college and once in your first apartment. Now you just have one of those box frames with drawers that holds the mattress because he can’t be trust haha
- fucks your on top of the dryer while the kids are asleep, or sneaks you into the garage to smoke and fuck in the car.
- begged you to get some type of pet like a cat or a dog when you finally have your own place
- has always wanted a pet snake
- major pediatrician or English/history/music teacher vibes
- took him three years after high school to go to college because he wanted to just find his own way and HS really burnt him out.
- stops drinking around 25, just not into it. Says he likes being more present. Maybe would have the occasional beer or glass of wine on special occasions but really hates hard liquor.
- played with the band into his 30s! They have a couple albums and quit after Eddie had his second kid.
- Jeff and him are life long friends, they still play video games together once a week even if they’re 60 and retired lmao
- does not like being outdoors much but is really good at camping and swimming. Has a big connection with nature when he’s in it, it’s just not very often.
- takes you to drive ins all the time
- gets headaches a lot
- steals your clothes. Like you’ll wander into the kitchen in the morning and he’s wearing your sweatpants that say Juicy or PINK on the ass with rhinestones. Will also wear dresses with you and skirts. A fashion icon really.
- he takes up the entire bed when he’s sleeping, steals all the blankets and talks in his sleep.
- the kind of guy who lifts up his leg when he farts and laughs at it, idk what to tell you about that one
- he loves bubble baths
- literally cannot work blinds for the life of him. Like, he’s always pulling the chord wrong and then getting really mad when they come down lopsided and he has to come to you begging for help because he just can’t do it.
- opens pickle jars on the first try every single time
- smells really good, somehow always sweet but in a natural musky way.
- hates the sound of people chewing but also chews really loudly himself
- one time during sex, you were on top and he grabbed your boobs and yelled, “what’re thooosee.”
- makes jokes at the wrong time, all of the time.
- people think he’s angry all the time but he’s just quiet until he trusts you and then he talks your ear off and gets so fucking loud
- watches TV at full volume with no awareness of his surroundings like a heathen lmao
- collects comics
- will not go within 10 feet of spiders
- constantly dehydrated, chugs water all the time and it’s still not enough
- he’s really good with animals. Y’all have chickens, and he always wanted to work on a farm. Teaches your kids 4H stuff, but doesn’t like the idea of scouts because it “encourages kids to romanticize the military instead of helping the community”
- he loves rock collecting
- buys lots of crystals
- superstitious as fuck
- really good at running but hates working out, he only does it so he can perform on stage and keep up with his kids.
- really into yoga and Pilates, but can’t meditate at all, gets distracted too easily.
- he’s a causal enabler, if you want something he buys it then and there and if you’re debating something he just does it for you. Can’t say no to his partner or his kids.
- he goes to therapy on and off again, practices coping mechanisms and reads a lot of workbooks. Hates the mass produced self help books but wants to stay self aware so he’s always looking things up or calling his therapist to talk about it.
- still has his stuffed teddy from when he was little.
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scarf girl & idiot boy
pairing: eren jaeger x mikasa ackerman
rating: t | read on ao3
summary: [Reincarnation AU. crackfic]
Eren is in his final year of high school. He's always been an imaginative kid but now his imagination won't seem to give him a break. As a result of intense flashbacks / dissociative episodes his therapist advises him to keep a journal, to get in touch with his emotions and let them all out.
Except it wasn't his imagination, these were his memories. Why doesn't anybody understand?!
…
“So, what about this girl?”
Right, Eren. What about this girl? As my mother asked me that, I was struck with this ridiculous urge to prattle on about how she had a scar on her right cheek, a mole right beneath that, and even though she usually kept her hair short, long hair was simply gorgeous on her. She was humanity’s strongest, and so fucking smart, she was incredible. She could do anything and excel at it; she was one of those people that you could trust with your life.
And how is it that despite not really knowing this girl, I knew so much about her? Fuck if I know. The only thing I did know, however: “I think she’s my wife. Sort of.”
Day 1
Mom bought this notebook for me and told me I’m supposed to write in it every day. Journaling, she said. It’s good for you, Eren. It’ll help you sort out all those thoughts in your head.
That’s what she called it. Thoughts in my head. That’s what she told the doctor the first time she brought me in. My son, you see, he’s a good kid. He’s got a lot of spirit. He’s very intelligent. But. And here was the kicker, there was always a but. He gets lost in his thoughts, sometimes. And then he doesn’t come out. Even if I shake him. I feel like he’s someplace else, you know.
Well, yes, it turns out the good doctor did know. Or he had some theories, anyway. ADHD was the top favourite, it was an easy one for Mom and Dad to digest. Tons of kids have it. It was one of those disorders that parents could swallow because it didn’t mean their kid didn’t have potential. It was a better alternative than plain delusional, I suppose.
I’d heard it my whole damn life.
Eren, you’re distracted.
Eren where’d you go off to?
Eren.
Eren.
Ereh.
I had one of those short names that people liked to use like punctuation. But nobody said my name right. It’s a peculiar thing, but I was convinced my name wasn’t meant to be pronounced with the full N, it was meant to end on a faint sound, somewhat breathy, somewhat feminine…
Ugh. This is the problem. None of it feels right, because I already know what is right. I’ve experienced it before. It’s in my memories. But nobody understands that. They say I have an active imagination. When I was a kid apparently I had an imaginary friend, too. A blonde wimp named Armin who needed my help to deal with bullies. When I was younger I believed it when Mom gently broke it to me that he wasn’t real, but now I’m not sure anymore. Sometimes when I stand in a group of friends, his sparkling blue eyes and his golden bowl cut feel more real than the faces in front of me.
But this is all I’ve got to figure it out. It’s you and me, motherfucker. So go on and do your Tom Riddle thing where you make sense of things to me, because I’m dying to hear it.
Day 3
I forgot to write yesterday because I’m not really good at keeping up with a habit. Or writing for that matter. I’m okay at school essays and like, some short stories I wrote as a kid were decent, but I never really thought of making a hobby out of it. And writing about myself too, why would I do that? I have to spend enough time inside this head of mine feeling absolutely crazy and out of control, I don’t know how writing down what’s in my head is supposed to make it any better.
But mom yelled at me to journal, so here I am.
She’s pissy because I turned up today with godawful marks on my french test, ten out of forty scribbled in big red letters. In my defence, I only attempted the first thirteen questions, because my brain kind of froze up mid-test when I got these weird flashes of sitting in a classroom with wooden desks and a crazy brown-haired person with goggles on their head trying to teach us about human-eating monsters. It sounds wild to me even as I write it, but trust me that shit was real. They were big and red and butt-ugly and I’m convinced that I’ve repressed some particularly traumatic memories of them breaking people in half like Twix and popping them in their mouths. I think the feeling of watching something like that never goes away, no matter how many lives you lead.
I’d like to imagine that if these really are my memories— because sure, I may be a visionary or whatever, but these visions were too clear— I was a badass hero leading the fight against these monsters, and eventually, my side won. Otherwise, what even was the point?
Day 4
I keep thinking about those fucking monsters. Journalling is doing something to me. It’s making me think about these things more and more. How else do I explain the pit in my stomach that’s refused to go away ever since I finished last night’s journal entry?
Why can’t I shake the feeling that I was so so wrong about something? What if I wasn’t the hero? Maybe I was just a massive fail and my dwindling grades are like, a mirror to the events of my past life or something.
Day 7
Whatever, I know I didn’t journal for two days and my last entry was just a pathetic scribble but I needed some time off. My therapist said this was supposed to help me get in touch with emotions not stress me the fuck out and make me never want to confront them again. Anyway, I took the weekend off, and actually spent my time trying to clear my head in more effective ways. Like smoking weed with my friend Maks.
Mom, if you’re reading this (I know you are, I saw you combing through my journal just yesterday, you’re so obvious) then please for the love of God, don’t get all weird and make passive-aggressive comments when you know already that I smoke. And don’t pretend that you don’t because you totally did. Why else would I eat that much? No teenage boy needs five helpings of your curry no matter how good it is, it’s because of the munchies. Now read further at your own risk, that’s all I’m saying.
So yeah, back to Maks. He always steals weed from his sister Laura, and wades straight into her bag without any concern for her privacy. I don’t know, but I always heard you aren’t meant to be rummaging in a girl’s bag (or anyone’s for that matter), so I just, like, stand outside and make polite conversation with her while he’s flicking her goods.
I guess that sounds bad, but you get it. Laura’s pretty and to be honest, I think she’s kind of sweet on me. She’s always kinda blushy when I talk to her and there’s no need to be, she’s twenty years old and I know she’s had boyfriends before. But she always gives me way more attention than what her idiot brother’s friend deserves. I’ve thought about asking her out on a date, but it seemed like a lot of effort when all I really wanted to know was if she kisses nice.
I thought about it a little more today when we were smoking with some of the other guys, on the rooftop of Peter’s part-time job. I couldn’t really discuss it with them openly because I didn’t think honesty was the best policy when it concerned getting into Maks’s sister’s pants, but I wish I could, because I was still a fucking virgin. I wanted to get laid and I think if I asked, Laura might say yes. I just didn’t know how.
And then I thought about it some more when I came back home and sank into my bed, stoned as fuck. I undid my jeans and opened up pornhub and scrolled through a bunch of thumbnails that all looked so fucking similar. And then, weirdly, I just shut my phone off and stared at the ceiling.
I think all the dilly-dallying about Laura stems from the fact that I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to fuck Laura. Maybe I was a virgin loser, but I was pretty certain I didn’t have… feelings for her. Like, she was nice and everything, but I didn’t like her. I know what it’s like to like somebody, I think. It’s crazy intense and kind of one-dimensional and a little bit like black hair and pink lips and a dark red scarf.(????)
What the fuck. Did I just write. Where did that even come from.
I’m done with this journalling thing, man. I’m out.
Day 9
I’m not happy about this, you know. I just want to be a normal teenage kid who jerks off to porn and maybe sleeps with his friend’s sister so he isn’t a virgin when he goes to college. That’s it. I have simple desires.
LEAVE ME ALONE SCARF GIRL.
Day 10
I can’t stop thinking about her. I wish I could think about the human-eating monsters again. At least that was morbidly fascinating. This just gives me a clawing, uncertain sensation in the pit of my stomach and doesn’t let up until my thoughts are filled with some Japanese girl with the prettiest eyes I have ever seen, and a body like I hadn’t even thought of fantasizing about. It’s crazy, I feel obsessed with somebody I haven’t even met. And I know this for sure because I went through all the class photos and I know nobody who looks like that.
Maybe I should talk to the doc again. I’m definitely delusional.
Day 11
I saw the doc again. He isn’t convinced that I’m having delusions despite my twenty-minute spiel about the biology of ugly monsters I keep dreaming of. I explained in great detail that they were weird as hell: They had this weird human anatomy but none of the fun bits, and they kept eating humans but they couldn’t digest them for some reason. So they’d keep eating people and then get too full and puke ‘em all out into a disgusting ball of human glump and continue their binge. It was like a bizarre take on the Capitol citizens from the Hunger games.
At the end of it, all he told me was that I should journal more and referred to me some creative writing workshops at the community college. And this was even before I even could tell him about the insanely beautiful girl with the red scarf that I haven’t stopped daydreaming about for three days now.
After coming home I got a little crazy and had a little meltdown about how nobody was taking me seriously which Dad thought was par for course for a seventeen-year-old, but Mom got a little snivelly. She came to my room later and gave me a hug and asked if I was acting out because I missed my birth parents. I didn’t know how to react to that so I just hugged her back and told her that I haven’t thought about them in years. Although now I wish I knew them a bit better, because maybe then I’d know for sure if I’m delusional or not because psychiatric disorders usually have genetic history.
The truth is, I don’t remember much about my birth parents. Mom and Dad have taken care of me since I was three, and apart from the fact that I’m a little weirdo in a family of two very normal, high-functioning adults, I’ve never felt like I didn’t belong here.
Mom, I love you even though you never respect my privacy and are currently reading this journal.
Day 12
I was googling “memories of past lives” and I somehow found myself on the Wikipedia for Hinduism. It’s a religion where people believe in having many lives. Everybody goes through birth, life and death and then rebirth again because this torture isn’t enough the first time apparently.
Is that what this is? I’m a cat with too many lives, now?
Day 13
I thought I’d found religion but I spent one day listening to a guru with 9.6 million Instagram followers and I’m convinced this shit will only make me crazier.
Anyway, midterms start in three days, and I know more about “samsara” than I do about Kirschoff’s laws, so see you later.
Day 20
I’ve hidden this stupid diary away and planted a fake where my mom keeps looking. I need my privacy, for fuck’s sake.
I had History today and I swear to God, I almost threw up when it came to answering the final question on the Holocaust (Ten fucking marks!!!). I started writing it, felt nauseous, excused myself to the bathroom, stared at myself in the mirror, came back only to ask to be excused all over again. Miss Jenny definitely thought I was cheating. She kept hovering over me after I came back, when I was too busy trying not to throw up on her.
It’s as if, every time I began to write about the Genocide of WWII, I could almost picture the innocents walking to their death. This is not to say that I don’t think what happened was absolutely terrible, but I cannot afford to get emotional during a fucking history exam.
What’s worse is every time I kept picturing this one boy… this tiny boy with an interesting cap on his head, who looked in my direction with the most puzzling expression. A smile, that then turned into confusion, which then turned into fear. As if I was the one responsible for not only his misery, but that of his entire people. I know it sounds absurd but I really wanted him to know that I felt terrible about what happened. I mean, I had nothing to do with the Holocaust, obviously, but I’m sorry he had to go through it. That anybody had to go through something as terrifying as being persecuted and demonized for something they had no control over.
I keep thinking about that boy. I wonder what his name was. I wish he could experience the world like I do, now. I wish he could be free too.
Day 25
I had math today and it was alright, I suppose. I’m not very good at it, so I can’t judge if I’ve done okay or not. I was more interested in History and Civics, Languages that type of thing. Right on my way to a life of making no money.
While walking back, I tried asking Maks what he thought about the History exam, and more specifically all our tutelage about the Holocaust.
“What do you mean, how do I feel about it? It’s all bad, obviously, you know that.”
“Right,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Of course it’s bad. But about why it’s bad. Do you ever, just, you know, feel really terrible about it? That so many people thought it wasn’t bad when it was happening?”
“I mean,” he said. “Not really. Because it’s not really something you have to think about. It’s obviously bad. We’ve been learning how bad it is, ever since we could read our ABCs. Why would I waste my time thinking about something that I already know is terrible? I already know it!”
I couldn’t argue with that logic anymore. I don’t know why I even bothered with Maks, because I already knew not much went on inside his head, but I didn’t have anyone else I could talk to. At times like this, I really miss Armin, the wimpy blonde in my head that I used to hang out with because I knew he would engage in meaningful conversation about this. He’d probably say something smart about propaganda or the power of narrative or something.
When I was a kid I was convinced that he was the smartest person on the planet (when he wasn’t even on the planet), because he knew all about Volcanoes and the Mariana Trench and the Sahara and all I knew was the Pokemon type chart. I knew it by heart, by the way. I still do.
I came home and my over-perceptive parents exchanged glances, probably signalling to each other that their kid really was a loser and that there wasn’t much hope. Then Mom hovered over me to an uncomfortable degree, making me want to scream. The thing is, I don’t even know what to tell her. Wasn’t I too old to be discussing feelings with her anyway?? How am I supposed to tell her with a straight face that I was bawling in the toilet after my exam because Ramzi was just a poor kid in the wrong place at the wrong time???
… Ramzi.
Who the fuck is Ramzi?
Day 30
Exams are over. I went with the boys for burgers after school, and we all hotboxed inside Peter’s car before heading over to the restaurant.
Maybe it’s the mood I’ve been in for the past couple of weeks, but I’m starting to realise that my friends are idiots. And I don’t mean that in the affectionate sense. Peter wants to go into Investment Banking but can’t pass math. He’ll probably keep working at the Mobile store.
Maks wants to be a cop. In this neighbourhood. I think the only crime we have around here is bicycle theft and no cop ever helps you get your bike back. You just fork out twenty bucks to buy somebody else’s stolen bike from the shady dudes near the central station. The same ones that lurk in the shadows asking if you want a bike, the same way thugs ask if you want drugs. Bikes are like a community commodity around here. It all goes into the same pool and everybody dips into it.
Hamza wants to help his dad out at his falafel shop and to be honest, that’s the most honourable thing to come out of the lot of us. If you ask me, it’s the best food in town.
But they’re all just so…!!! They make me want to tear my hair out. They seem so okay with everything. With themselves. With their families. With this silly little town. Nothing will change for them after they finish school, and they’re perfectly content with that.
When I was ranting about this to dad over dinner, he asked me, with his little indulgent smile, “Well then, what do you want to do Eren? How are you going to make your life more significant than your friends?”
I was stumped. The truth is I’ve never really pictured anything beyond this, beyond my teenage years. I’ve never once thought about what it would be like to be an actual adult. Huh.
Day 31
I can’t sleep. I keep dreaming. My dreams are flashes of people’s faces, blood and large horrifying caricatures of human beings whose faces are stuck in a terrifying smile. It’s 3:23 and I woke up crying because my mind seemed fixated on this one woman who was struggling in the monster’s grasp before she was broken in two and tossed in its mouth.
And when I woke up, I felt the wisps of a soft feminine voice ask me, “Why are you crying, Eren?” I wanted to reach out and hold on to her, beg her to tell me what was going on. But the more I rubbed the tears from my eyes, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was scarf girl.
Why? I couldn’t tell you. Once I wake, my dreams slowly begin to lose clarity, fading into the noise of the real world and making me doubt my sanity more than ever. But this time when I woke, I felt the lingering sensation of long tresses brushing my face as somebody loomed over me. The strings of wool from a fluffy red scarf. The voice of somebody I was dying to hear.
Day 38
Yo. it’s been a while. Lots of things have happened since I last wrote here.
We had term break and I’ve been working on the Weber’s shed (they’re paying me for the help). Honestly, the last set of dreams I had really fucked me up, so when Maks asked me to help with sawing wood, hammering things into place and just in general, not think, it sounded like a great plan.
And if I had to stand in the sun without a shirt on when I knew Laura would be looking, I didn’t mind. Well, actually, I hadn’t really thought about it until I saw her staring out her window, right at me.
I suppose I could write a whole story about how we had conversations with our eyes and licked lollipop ice candies on her porch together where I saw a little drop of candied water fall onto her chest and in between her cleavage, thereby making me want to lick it off of her skin, etc, but it really wasn’t that poetic. I was shirtless, and she was wearing her tiny warm-weather shorts, lips purple from the ice candies we had just gobbled down, and I guess she just asked me one time why I’d never made a move. I didn’t have an answer for her apart from making a move then and there, and some minutes later we ended up in her bedroom with me on my back and her tits dangling in my face.
Tl:dr; I slept with Laura. I know it’s something I said I wanted some time ago, but as soon as we were done, I couldn’t separate our bodies fast enough. Brown hair matted across her forehead as she looked at me with expectation in her eyes. I couldn’t even look at her. The general public might crucify me as an asshole, but I just felt weird inside. She kept looking at me the entire time, large, soft brown eyes staring into mine as her hair spread all over me as she rode me.
I suppose I did alright for a first time; I got off, she orgasmed first so I guess that’s a success. Laura was quite self-sufficient at the whole sex thing, honestly, it was as if she used me to get off and I let her. It all felt like a scam to me, instead of being excited about grabbing my first pair of tits all I could think was that this wasn’t right. There was an unfamiliarity about Laura that unsettled me, and I’m not sure what it was. But every time she scolded me affectionately, or brought my hands to her body to show me what she liked, I felt a little bit nauseous.
And when she scrambled for the bedsheets after and asked if everything was alright, I had never felt like a bigger fuckup.
“I thought you enjoyed it,” she said, her voice getting a little bit high and somewhat accusatory. “You came right? I was pretty sure you came.”
“I did, yeah. It’s not that, Laura, the sex was… you were, I mean, it was all very nice. I just… maybe I don’t feel well. I’m sorry.” (NICE!! God, I’m such a fuckin idiot)
“You seemed pretty well when you stuck your tongue in my mouth and felt me up over my bra.” Every word she said just made me feel worse.
“Do you have a girlfriend or something?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose while I struggled with the most obvious, factual answer. But instead, with guilt burning my cheeks, all I said was, “... or something.”
Day 39
After telling Laura that the sex was “nice,” I’ve been holed up in my room wondering, not for the first time, what the fuck was wrong with me.
When I went down to have my muesli in the morning, Mom trapped me into a conversation. “You’ve been so dull lately, sweetheart,” she said, with her usual concern. It’s at times like this that I wish she would stop piling on the verbal concern and just bully the doctor into giving me some medication. Surely I could get some good ol’ pills for these hallucinations and I’d be okay.
Instead, in keeping with my latest tradition of saying things I have not thought through, I blurted out, “Mom, did you always know you were going to be married to Dad?”
She looked taken aback for a second. “Is that what’s got you down? Love problems? Oh, honey—”
“Just answer the question, Mom. Don’t psychoanalyse.”
“Well, not really, Eren. You see, I love your father very much, but I met him only when I was twenty-seven, and I’d had my fair share of experimentation and mistakes by then.”
I nodded vigorously. See, this was normal.
“Is there somebody on your mind?”
I debated telling her for a split second, but my impulsiveness got the better of me. “I suppose there is, yeah.”
“Is it somebody I know?” Mom probed gently. She probably expected a different answer, because she’s been giving these sly smiles wherever Laura was concerned for a while now, so when I said, “Not really,” she blinked at me in surprise.
“The thing is, even I don’t really know her. Not exactly in the way you would usually know somebody, I mean.”
She blinked at me some more, looking as confused as I sounded. “There’s this girl,” I told her, my voice dropping down to a whispered mumble, “... this Japanese girl, I think, she keeps showing up in my dreams.”
“You mean the same dreams as the one with the monsters…?” She asked, carefully keeping her voice neutral.
If anything, my mother has always listened to me, I’ll give her that. “They’re called titans, apparently.” Crucial information from my last night’s terrors. “And yeah. The same ones. I think. I really do think they’re all set in the same world.”
The more I listen to myself, the more I feel like I’m describing some kind of fantasy role-playing game.
“So, what about this girl?”
Right, Eren. What about this girl? As my mother asked me that, I was struck with this ridiculous urge to prattle on about how she had a scar on her right cheek, a mole right beneath that, and even though she usually kept her hair short, long hair was simply gorgeous on her. She was humanity’s strongest, and so fucking smart, she was incredible. She could do anything and excel at it; she was one of those people that you could trust with your life.
And how is it that despite not really knowing this girl, I knew so much about her? Fuck if I know. The only thing I did know, however: “I think she’s my wife. Sort of.”
Mom was speechless. “I know you think I’m crazy, Mom,” I told her. “But I just. I know it. Inside.” I sounded crazier with every word I said. Mom’s expression grew more pitying by the minute.
She caressed my hair with a sad sort of affection in her eyes. “You’re really struggling with this, aren’t you, Eren?”
My shoulders slumped; I felt defeated. I could see that she wasn’t taking me seriously, again. Well, what did I expect? If a seventeen-year-old told his mother that he was dreaming about a girl he didn’t even know, but somehow knew that she was his wife?? Man, even I couldn’t take myself seriously.
Day 41
Aside from being totally mortified, that conversation with Mom did bear fruit. I don’t know what she told the doc, but when I went for my appointment today, I left with an assortment of pills that were supposed to make me “feel better.”
I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t feeling depressed, just crazy, but by this time I’m willing to try anything. So here goes nothing!!
Day 46
I’ve been taking the pills for five days now, but nothing feels different. The doc says it takes some time for my body to react. I don’t really understand it because I’m usually the impulsive, reactionary type, but okay I guess. When it comes down to it, your brain just runs on a bunch of chemicals and these medicines are supposed to help me balance out the equations. (Doc's words, not mine.)
Today when we walked back from the grocery store, I saw an Asian family loading their trunk with groceries. There was an elderly couple and a woman (I think), who was doing most of the heavy lifting. Mom was grumbling about how chickpea pasta wasn’t a good enough way to boost her protein, but for some reason, that family caught my attention. I found myself craning my neck to get a look at the woman whose back was all I could see (a nice back, if I must say).
Mom thumped me lightly on the shoulder and asked what the hell I was doing.
It was kind of embarrassing because I know what it looked like. That I was busy checking out some woman’s ass with my mom right next to me. But it wasn’t that, I promise.
I mumbled an apology. But when we went further Mom suddenly looked at me all funny and was like, “Eren. You shouldn’t fetishize people, you know.”
Naturally, I was gobsmacked?!??!???
Turns out, Mom put two-and-two together; first my “imaginary” (I didn’t like it when she said that, by the way. There was nothing imaginary about this woman. She was real. Our relationship was real.) wife, and then this Asian-looking family. Ridiculous! I did not think today was the day I’d get schooled by my mother about having an Asian fetish!!
Anyway, school starts tomorrow and I’m nervous because we’ll be getting our grades and term papers back. (Blegh)
Day 47
I feel like I’m about to explode. I have so many feelings, holy shit, I’m literally in the middle of class as I write this, I don’t even know where to begin.
In an effort to start at the beginning, here goes:
I THINK I’VE FOUND SCARF GIRL.
AND SHE’S MY FUCKING MATH TEACHER ASLFADFKDSGL
I walked into school expecting the same old boring drivel as every other term, and mostly the morning had implied exactly that. Kris complimented my hair (I’d grown it longer despite my father’s insistence about cutting it, simply because I felt I wasn’t rebelling enough. I was a teenager after all, I’ve to pay my dues.) and it felt nice, because at least something was different.
We had different classes and got back papers in each class, and my eyes glassed over pages and pages of mostly ok answers, but largely silly mistakes, and the big red circle indicating my very average grades. My classmates queued up to the teacher’s desk to try and get a better grade but I didn’t really care much for it.
History, as I predicted was a shitshow thanks to my brain, but I seem to have made up for my earlier performance in French, thanks to a solid hour of concentration in the exam.
Math was the last class of the day, and predictable Mr Hofferman, our grumbly old Math teacher was late. He was never late. He was one of those annoying teachers who was five minutes early, and would start his lesson as soon as the clock allowed him to, whether the rest of us had even sat down or not.
Ten minutes later— when the class had dissolved into little groups, girls sitting on the desks with their skirts bunched up high, boys chewing gum loudly even though we weren’t allowed to, complaining about how Mr Hofferman was for sure going to fuck all of us up with a ridiculously harsh marking scheme— a lady stumbled in, her hair looking wind-worn, in a pretty pink sweater and grey slacks. “Is this 4B,” she mumbled mostly to herself, craning her neck to see the door and confirm that it was, indeed, 4B. “Right, it is.” And then, in a most unusual turn of events, she set her books down and looked at us straight in the eye, and gave us the most gorgeous smile I have ever seen.
I don’t know about the others, but it took me several moments to recover.
She gave us a small, shy wave, and a little bow, and introduced herself as Mika Akkerman. Her mother was Japanese and her father was Japanese-German, and after retiring, her father wanted to come back to the little town where he was from. She told us she was very excited to teach us from now on, and in an absolutely adorable accent asked us to “please treat me well.”
There was such a violent shudder in my heart at that moment, I swear to God that I thought I was going to die.
After that, she gave the sweetest little laugh, pushed her hair back behind her ear and said, “Although, giving you your test results is probably not the best way to start a good relationship.”
As if I weren’t absolutely decimated by her beauty alone, what I saw at that moment threw me for a loop.
There was a scar. On her cheek. And a little mole right underneath it.
As I lay stumped in my seat, my mind racing a million miles per hour, trying to even grasp the implications of everything that lay in front of me, Miss Mika took her seat and began to go through our term papers, one by one. She decided she would call us all to the front, to introduce ourselves, so she could more personally explain her assessment.
“Eren,” she said, when it finally came to my turn, “Jaeger?”
Idiot that I am, I stayed motionless until Maks ribbed me and said, “Stop spacing out, Jaeger, it’s your turn.”
But I wasn’t spacing out. I don’t think I was ever more aware, or more present than in that fucking moment. The way she said my name, it finally felt right. Not Erren, Or Erin, Or Erain, But Ereh, kind of with the n a little bit silent, just a little breathy noise from her tiny nose, sounding kind of intimate like she’d spent a lifetime saying my name that way.
She shook my hand, as she seemed to have done for every student, and fixed me with those gorgeous grey eyes. I was probably trembling like a fucking loser. (This is not how I wanted to reconnect with my wife!!!!)
“You have a nice name,” she said, thoughtfully. “It’s interesting that you have styled it in the American way.”
That’s when I looked down at my paper. I’d signed it Eren “Yeager”. Which I never do, usually. My name is Eren Jäger; we usually understand the umlauts around here. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” I told her truthfully. It was the understatement of the year.
She then gave me a polite smile (it was so pretty, I swear, every time she smiles, I feel like a character straight out of a shoujo manga replete with heart eyes), and proceeded to walk me through my math paper.
I have no fucking clue what she said because all I could think about was that her voice was so nice. And every time she said my name I felt my cheeks grow hot.
In the end, she looked at me sweetly and said, “Well, don’t be discouraged, Ereh. Math is all about learning a few tricks and then you’ll master it, no doubt.” Which was excellent because now I was certain that I hadn’t left a particularly wonderful impression with my paper. Despite that, it appears my shamelessness reached new heights when she asked me if I had any questions, and all I felt compelled to ask was, “How old are you, exactly?”
She blinked at me, and then stuttered a nervous laugh. “I always forget how direct everybody is around here. I’m 23.” And then, as if that was the real problem here, she said spiritedly, “But don’t underestimate me! What I lack in experience, I make up for with enthusiasm!”
Oh boy. I didn’t doubt it.
Now I’m back in my seat, barely acknowledging my dismal performance both academically and socially. My brain is buzzing restlessly. I can barely pay attention to anything that is being said to me (because, Mikasa wasn’t talking to me, it was mostly just Maks and Peter grumbling about their grades).
All I can think is… What the fuck?
I’ve never had a fully clear picture of the woman from my dreams but I know with startling clarity that this is her. I know it with my whole being. I knew it when she walked into class, when I saw her scar, when I heard her speak, when her eyes met mine. It’s like a flash went through my body, when we shook hands.
This isn’t normal. But does it really matter?
Because I think I’ve found my wife.
Day 46 contd
I have more updates.
As class ended, Mikasa piled up her books and then embarrassedly mumbled that she was still new here, and that perhaps she would get lost and in a twist of what is surely fate, she called out, “Eren Jaeger, do you think you might be able to help me find my way to the Teacher’s lounge?”
Of course, I would. I would do anything for her, she just didn’t know it yet.
As we walked there, I learnt some things about her. She didn’t like silences, she found them awkward. Which was just as well, because after she broke the first one with some polite comment about what a lovely school we had, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. My only exposure to Japanese culture is from my interest in anime, and from what little I know, I’m pretty sure she thought I was completely rude and out-of-turn.
In a span of a few minutes, I asked her how long she’s been in town (just a week), where she came from (Kyoto), and whether she’s already settled (if she needed any help, she could feel free to ask me, you know). I tried my best to get a glimpse of her fingers but couldn’t, but I was pretty sure when we shook hands that I didn’t feel any rings. So she wasn’t married.
But that didn’t mean she didn’t have a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Or a partner. Or a fucking dog, that took up all her attention, I don’t know.
As I stood near her little desk in the teacher’s lounge as she talked about how different the weather was here compared to Japan, I felt fucking crazy. It’s only been forty-five minutes since I’ve seen her, but I want to know everything about her. I want to know what I’ve missed out on for so many years, and I want to make up for the fact that she was brought into the world five years too early.
I had this creepy desire to tell her that nothing mattered anymore, because she and I were meant to be together. Eventually, I got out of my head, and as I began to walk her to the school gates, I realised that this was the end of our time together today. She would go home, and probably not think of me for the rest of the evening, while I spent every waking moment (and probably my sleeping ones too) filled with thoughts of her. “Why did you come here, Mikasa?”
“Ah, like I said, my father was born here and wanted to come back, so—“
“But why now? Why to this school? Why did you decide to come with them?”
She stuttered an answer at first, but then slowly her eyes narrowed at me. She watched me silently for a moment before she murmured, “Ereh, I never told you my name was Mikasa.”
Shit.
“My name is Mika Akkerman. And I’m your teacher,” she said, her voice strained. There was an antsy, faraway look in her eye, as she spoke. “… You should talk to me with respect.” And then she turned around and left.
I ran back home, straight to my room and as I write this, I’m still shaking.
I don’t know why I called her Mikasa.
I don’t know why I spoke to her in such a familiar way.
I don’t know why when I look at her I felt like I’ve been waiting for so long, and that she has finally returned to me.
All I know is that I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’ve memorised that face, and I’ve listened to that voice so often, I would know it even as I lay in my grave. I’ve felt that skin against mine before, the same skin that held my hand so firmly today.
More than anything I knew that this was scarf girl. And the universe had finally brought us together.
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A little “short” notice from last night
I was surprised to see I actually got asks last night about a topic that makes me a tad uncomfortable which mostly everyone can tell who it’s about by reading my responses. Those responses were about a very certain someone that me and others were close with, I was dating such person and my friends were friends with them, but I’m not dating them anymore. Which is relieving in the sense that it has because I couldn’t stand their drama anymore especially when they were trying to dragging my friends down through the dirt. The person made claims that they were talking trash about them behind their back and when I go look there’s absolutely nothing to prove what they just said so I was confused and stumped like why would they lie about something like that? I know that they had troubles with making friends in the past so I can semi-understand why they would say that, but making claims like that to honest, fun, and charming people? I just didn’t understand at all. The whole drama between them and the friends was making my mental health decline and I’m a person who hates drama especially if it includes the people I care about, and the problem was is that both sides of the drama were including the people I care about. So I had to pick a side and I always tell myself trust your gut. I decided to trust it and break up with such person who was making those claims that my friends were talking yeah behind their back. I broke up with them a few days after Valentine’s Day (it was: 16, February 2023) which sounds crappy of me to do but I had to. I felt like if I wanted any longer I don’t know what would’ve happened, I probably wouldn’t have been friends with these wonderful people and especially meet someone new. I care a lot about that kid because he’s amazing in every shape and form. I’m glad that I did break up with them because know I can understand and see how crappy they are. Due to a couple of friends pointing out how obsessed they were with me and my friends…they said they have reported us for bullying, harassment, hate speech when we’ve done none of that. They just hated that we were moving on from the whole drama and being true to ourselves. They made claims that were harassing them with their anons to off themselves and I know for certainty that we would never tell anyone to say that to anyone. They claim that I don’t really know my friends well enough to say that, um, I’m pretty sure that I do and I can see the style of how they write. It’s pretty noticeable when I can see my friends writing especially whenever I see their writing then deny that’s it’s not them. Like first you’re going to make claims about us? Put OUR FUCKING NAMES IN THE GOD FORSAKEN DIRT? Oh hell no, if you do, we are going to drag you down with us. Once you lit my match of anger it’s game over for you. We are never going to be like them because we don’t call people slurs, we don’t make assumptions about people, we act mature for our respective ages (they are eighteen acting like a little kid who’s throwing tantrum), send hate on people’s social media’s, etc. I know that you say you have some mental thing that makes you act all childish and shit but looking into it, it sounds a whole lot like bull shit you spat at us to believe but there’s something and it’s quite suiting: immature personality disorder. Wanna know what it means? Yeah, I’m not telling you, so you can go ahead and look it up. For me, I know that I have BPD (diagnosed), Autism (diagnosed) , ADHD (undiagnosed but shows signs of it), Anxiety (diagnosed), etc. I don’t have to go on a whole riot of what mental illnesses I have or anybody’s. Alrighty, I’m done y’all. I’m worn from writing all of this so I hope you found this interesting or whatever. This is almost a whole page on my Pages app on my iPhone but oh well. I’m done with them and this whole ordeal because I don’t know what to title it. Have a good rest of your morning/evening/ or night everyone and take care of yourselves! I lovveee youuu all now I’m going to take a little break (for 20-80mins) so bye bye 🫂🤍
#kail speaks#short notice#i’m so exhausted#had to do it to em#drama is exhausting#okay then#i love you so much#🫂 *hugs*#🤍🤍🤍
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kinda funny realizing how many of the things ppl disregard as to rare to consider or accuse ppl of faking because they’re “so rare” are actually pretty common. none of them seem to actually be rare, its all just too “weird” for the not weird ppl to deal with.
gona make a lil list of the things i can think of off the top of our head like this
being trans (around 4% of ppl if you go by gen z)
being intersex (about 2%)
being autistic/adhd/neurodivergent in any not immediately visible way (1% for autism, fucking 5% for adhd, most neurodivergence’s fall between 1 and 5%, and thats just diagnosed!!!!!)
being a system (1.5% for just diagnosed DID systems, then there’s undiagnosed, OSDD, endo, tulpas ect)
im to sleepy to get our brain to work properly and think of more examples but i feel like the point is kind of there at least. so many things are treated like weird extreme edge cases to be ignored or fake claimed, but statistically they’re pretty much all more common than being red haired (1% of people for reference). not to mention overlaps between them, especially with stuff concerning brain weirdness.
the fact that these arnt even the self id numbers, they’re the actually recorded diagnosis numbers about heavily stigmatized things should show how dumb the fake claims and exclusion are because im guessing everyone has seen the left handedness graph of after children stopped getting beaten for it.
as a member of a trans system, system stuff is a spot we know a lot more about, but from trans spaces and other people’s experiences we’ve seen that the treatment and arguments against are all pretty much the same and all just as dumb imo. all the anti system stuff we’ve seen (from non systems) boils down too “its so rare, therefore no one ill meet could ever be like that” “its weird and i dont like” “its wrong!! (why?) … cuz its weird and i dont like it” and finally “religious excuses”, all the arguments are (shitty) justifications for these reasons and you get back to them if you ask why a few times. and its the same with being trans 90% of the time. from actual systems fakeclaiming its a bit more creative but its still just a few reasons. most if them boil down to “we have a bad experience with being a system so it must be impossible for you to not absolutely despise being a system” “its rare so only we get to be a system” or the ever present “if we join the people fakeclaiming us then maybe we wont get fakeclaimed”, suspiciously all transmed points with different targets…
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Hoot once again!
I‘m really glad to hear this. Our little ritual means a lot to me <3
I am so sorry for her, but very glad that she figured it out now. Growing up undiagnosed can be (and is most of the time) very traumatic
While I’m a bit younger, I still spent my entire childhood and half of my youth (I’m gonna pretend it has been only half of it so far cause whatever the fuck I had/have is most definitely not a joyful youth). So while I can‘t fully relate, I still kind of get it and can at least imagine how it must me for her
It‘s pretty hard to get an autism diagnosis, because it cannot be done by a regular psychiatrist (unlike ADHD for example, which is why I at least have that diagnosis already). In my area there is only one place where you can get a diagnosis and the waiting list is LONG (not the worst I‘ve seen so far but at least half a year, which is terrible if you need to get help as quickly as possible but you need a diagnosis to get any kind of help). But I’m working on it
Thank youuuu
I planned chapter 2 out yesterday
It ended up to be “only” 5 pages, but it has 39 panels (chapter 1 has 24 panels)
So I think I’ll still get more of the story across even though it seems to be one page shorter
I will most likely start working on it in November
Your day sounds pretty nice!
Today, I was really stressed and worried about something and I did it okay-ish, but I can‘t change shit anymore now anyways so I’ll have to stop worrying and just wait and see
I also had a doctors appointment to get blood drawn and tested (cause due to the meds I take I’m apparently at a higher risk of malnutrition/lack of some stuff) and it was literally the most pleasant doctors appointment I’ve ever had.
I was a too early (as always) and had to wait outside a bit because they were still on lunch break but I was let inside a few minutes earlier anyways and so I was alone in the waiting area. And the nurse was incredibly kind and nice (she had me lay down for it because she didn’t want to risk that I could pass out and then she let me take my time to get back up again). It was overall incredibly nice and I was done not even 15 minutes after my appointment (so none of that annoying waiting time that usually comes with doctors appointments)
I also wanted to mention this in the past days already but I somehow didn‘t haha:
So I saw Someone do OC-tober and I absolutely LOVED the idea! (I’m one of these people that just never really draws their OCs lmao)
So I put together a prompt list for myself and I’m really excited about it ^^
(I‘m also planning on participating in Ghosttober with my writing which is why I’m probably going to be a little stressed all throughout October which is why I’ll most likely start working on chapter 2 in November)
I once again truly hope that you had a pleasant day! ♥️
~ @owlishanon
I like our little ritual too! ♥
When my friend got her diagnosis she couldn't get it from a regular psychiatrist either. She also got her ADHD diagnosis a couple years earlier because that was much easier. Autism she had to take a handful of tests over a period of time to actually get the diagnosis. But she was 98% sure what it would be before she got it. So I guess it's a pain in the ass no matter where you try to get it. Hoping that you are able to get through that process soon and get the help that you need.
I'm glad your doctor's appointment went well and was easy. That's such a rare thing. And that you had a nurse who was really accommodating and understood what you needed.
I was wondering why you said you would work on chapter two in November, until I got to the end of your ask. There are A LOT of things going on in October. And it will be kind of nice to take a pause on working so hard on that and doing some other stuff. I'm really excited for kinktober/ghostober whatever we're calling it. I'm trying to get the first week written and ready this week so that it's less likely that I fall behind. We'll see how that goes. Day one is written and ready to go--so that's something at least.
And OC-tober sounds SO cool. I'm excited to see what you end up doing with that. I'm sure that will be a lot of fun too!
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Crossed Wires
I started typing this out in Word, and then it got long, so probably that one's going on the Big Blog, but just because this is a crossing of the nerdy streams that absolutely delights me, have the short version here:
I have not been in a band in a long time, and there's stuff I've forgotten.
I found my passive DI box today, which I used for my bass guitar.
I could not remember how this fucking thing worked or what it was supposed to do. Attenuating switches. Filter switches. Input: 1/4" jack. Output: balanced XLR. Line thru: 1/4". what the fuck?!
Before googling it, I allowed myself a sigh of embarrassment, because I did know all this at some point in my life, it's just that when the info goes into long-term storage in my ADHD brain, figuring out where it is and digging it free is like traipsing into the junk yard with a metal detector.
Translation of that metaphor: a lot of things are going to go PING! and I fkn guarantee you that none of those things will be the droids you are looking for
except godfuckingdammit the droids would set off a metal detector, look, don't examine this analogy too closely, okay.
where was I?
oh yeah, that's right.
(yes, I am abusing bullet points, but it turns out that they just let fucken anyone use bullet points these days, there's not even a fucking license or anything, how wild is that?! Anyways, no one can stop me, suffer in ya jocks.)
My memory wasn't helping, so I googled the DI Box, and read the quick summary of what it's meant to do, and that process is more like some sleek futuristic pattern matching magnet technology, because it was like it was summoning the existing knowledge (which I had stashed and which was inaccessible. Bad sectors. Defragmentation needed) back into my brain.
(if you have personal and extensive experience of defragmentation: congratulations. You are old, and welcome on my porch. Rocking chair not provided. BYO shotgun.)
Quick summary: musical instruments (such as bass guitars) put out the kind of signal that is too messy and unbalanced for a mixing desk, which requires a gentler and more standardised touch. So, you run your bass patch lead through a DI box, which filters and (effectively) standardises that signal, and funnels it out to the mixing desk in a more manageable form.
Not only does this wreak less overall havoc, but it means that you can deal with the instruments and the vocal mics (and so on) on an even playing field (or at least, you can try to standardise everything else against the fucking drumkit-- no, do not ask).
The "line thru" jack is to carry out the un-filtered signal directly to your bass amp, because the bass amp can handle it as an independent Gigantic Noise Machine.
So. Why did I start giggling while reading this? Because I'm a diver. More specifically, I'm a professional assistant dive instructor.
(technically. I don't actually instruct. I'm qualified to instruct, assistively (so to speak), but I like guiding just fine, thanks. I get to give newbies handy hints and help them out and point out amazing marine life, but we get veterans as well; they're all qualified divers, though, so I do not have to actively supervise anyone at all times, and I do not usually have to carry anyone's gear, or dive in a pool.)
And I thought... the DI Box is a fucking first stage regulator, isn't it.
Like I'm not even kidding with this analogy, it's fucking perfect. The first stage regulator attaches to your tank valve. It wrangles the pressure of the air coming out of your tank (which is probably about 220 bar or 3200 psi to start with, and drops steadily throughout the dive as you breathe your way through it), wrestling it down to a much more chill 10 bar / 150 psi or something in that neighbourhood, and dumps this more amiably-managed air into the low pressure ports. Those hoses connect to your BC inflator (uh, BC = "floaty jacket"), your dry suit inflator if you have one, and your second stage regulators.
The second stage regulators are the ones you breathe from, but easier to say that they're demand valves. The pressure of that air is pretty much dictated by how hard you breathe in.
Here's the other thing, right: there's even a "Line Thru". Yessiree, you got that high pressure port for hooking up the ol' Submersible Pressure Gauge (SPG), because that thing needs the STRAIGHT SIGNAL, unfiltered, unbalanced, unaltered, because... that's the thing that tells you how much air is left in your tank, in terms of pressure. You... really don't wanna regulate that.
This analogy does suggest that my SPG is basically like my old Behringer quad box (approx 60kg), except a good deal fucking lighter, much easier to get up two flights of stairs to our flat at the time, and much less inclined to get covered in cat hair.
(seriously the guy at the Music Swop Shop took my amp, looked it over, and said, "You have a cat, don't you?" because - for those who don't know - many amps are basically covered in scratchy carpet.)
(for anyone who doesn't know: yes, "Swop" is deliberately spelled with an "O", it's not a typo, don't @ me.)
Anyways, that was my anecdote, split into several anecdotes, and I can hear someone forming a Bullet Point Licensing Committee Advisory Group even as I type this, so I better skedaddle before I can be prosecuted for my crimes against formatting or narrative. Fortunately the sort of people who would be interested in that are not the sort of people who skip straight to "angry mob" -- I mean they get there eventually, but I have some lead time.
(there is a reason I called this thing "Anecdote Machine". You were warned.)
...okay but seriously the analogy is fucking perfect it's like the entirety of engineering as a concept - from maritime and scuba across to audio tech to computer and software - is just pretty much about trying to translate one type of energy into another so that one gadget will talk to another gadget and nobody gets blown up or set on fire.
oh shit. that's actually what engineering is, isn't it? you know there are some course guides that could have been a lot shorter, on reflection.
[edit: forgot to mention that the first stage actually drops the pressure from your tank a whole lot, actually, so anyways I have fixed that now...]
#crossing the streams#crossing the wires#crossing the hoses#diving#music#scuba#audio technology#I am a gigantic nerd across SO MANY DIFFERENT AXES OF NERDERY#one day I will get them all and achieve Nerdvana#this is a very long-winded way to say that I now remember what my fucking DI box does#marine biology not included in this post but only because the saltwater is not good for the guitars
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someone* asked me today “how long have you had adhd?” and even tho it was an important serious conversation the question stunned me so much that all i could say was “that’s a good question, sir.” like i’m sure he was asking like when i’d been diagnosed (never. the answer is never. my brother was, but my parents either don’t know or don’t care about the different symptoms in afab kids) so none of the rest of us got tested.
*someone = a cop cause i was pulled over cause one of my taillights got smashed and had white light showing and i told the police officer that i didn’t know that could get me ticketed (which was not true, but only cause i googled it while he was at his car) and he asked “did you go to driver’s ed?” and i, of course, nodded, so he followed up with “were you just not paying attention?” and i got. offended. ‘cause my driver’s ed class a) was taught by a man who very likely should not be a teacher anymore. not a bad person, but cannot teach. and, b) involved a lot of weirdly fucking traumatizing lessons that i did my best to. not think about. but also- and this is what i said- “i’m a kid with adhd, i don’t remember everything.” true, sure, but absolutely not the best attitude for the moment. anyway, his reason se to my “that’s a good question, sir” was “oh, your whole life, huh?” and thinking about it now he probably meant that sarcastically but i just nodded ‘cause, like… yeah.
anyway, he ended up letting me go home without a ticket, but the other cop was questioning why i flinched when he suddenly appeared in my window (i didn’t wanna throw out the anxiety thing right after the adhd thing, even if i actually have the anxiety diagnosis) so i just told him i got nervous easily and he was fully like “he’s letting you off so easy, i would’ve ticketed you and towed your car” and i’m just. hnnnng shut the fuck up.
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