Okay I need to vent. This morning I saw this on my fyp:

(btw I'm choosing not to reblog the original post and instead just post screenshots because this is definitely a rant and since the creator and I clearly have different opinions, so I decided it's just better to leave them out of this)

Anyways, I saw this and I got pissed. Very very pissed. And so I spent 2 and a half hours writing a whole three page essay explaining everything wrong with this.

So here it is. (:

First of all, the Darkling does every single thing listed here for Nikolai, excluding cutting people’s fingers off, but he does commit mass murder, which I personally consider to be worse than cutting off someone’s fingers. 

Anyways, let’s first just address Nikolai’s reasons for doing each of these things and then the Darkling’s reasons for doing the same things.

Cutting the fingers off a man: Nikolai was a teenager who wanted to help his incredibly war torn country. He felt helpless, and even once he became a privateer, a lot of people still disrespected him because of his age, so he proved his ruthlessness by injuring one person, so he could help save his entire country. 

Usurping the throne: First of all, Nikolai was second in line to the throne, and after Vasily died, he would’ve been first. Also, the current king was an ignorant rapist who let the rest of the country go to waste to fuel his own luxuries. Nikolai wanted to rescue his country from war and a ruler that was doing nothing to stop hundreds of people (many of them kids) from dying in unnecessary battles.

Lying to Alina/hiding information from her: All Nikolai did was hide his identity from Alina to get her safely away from the Darkling who had just kidnapped her for the second time in less than a year. Kissed her without her consent: Okay, let’s just preface this by saying Malina was what got me hyperfixated on the Grishaverse, so seeing Nikolai kiss Alina did upset me, but he did it spread hope to the Ravkan villagers. They were also already spreading around a fake engagement, so while it was wrong, it wasn’t like he was trying to manipulate her. Nikolai was just trying to make their marriage more believable. (I’d also like to address a scene later in the book where Alina actually wants Nikolai to kiss her, and he says no, knowing that she just wants a distraction and isn’t really in love with him).

And now for why the Darkling did all the same things. 

Trying to usurp the throne: The Darkling hates the king, but not because he’s a terrible person, but because he’s ignorant and the Darkling knows he could be using the Fold to expand Ravka’s power. The Darkling usurps the throne so he can try and take over the country, not because he wants to save it.

Lying to Alina/hiding information from her: Unlike Nikolai, he wasn’t trying to protect her. The Darkling lied to Alina so she would believe that 1) he was in love with her and 2) he wanted to save Ravka. We know this isn’t true. When Nikolai lies, he does it to protect Alina, but when the Darkling lies he does it to manipulate her.

Kissed Alina without her consent: The Darkling tried to convince Alina he was in love with her so she would be easier to manipulate. Alina even says she doesn’t know how he feels about her, and that she doesn’t believe he loves her, but that she wants to be wanted by him. 

And now for everything else the Darkling does:

Mass murder: He destroyed an entire town just to prove a point. 

“Gifting” Genya to the Lantsovs, and then allowing her to be continually raped by them

for years. More than anything else, I feel like this proves just how terrible he is.

Killing his own mother: No explanation needed, that’s just awful.

Threatening to kill Mal to make sure Alina stays in line. He enslaved Alina. He put an unremovable collar around her neck that forced her to do whatever he wanted, and then promised to kill her boyfriend just in case that wasn’t enough.

Using kids as bargaining chips. Using grown people is bad enough, but kids. Sure, they’re Grisha, but they aren’t strong enough to fight back, especially after seeing their captor kill Ana Kuya, who helped care for them while they were in hiding. (Also just felt like adding that Nina was one of the students who he used as a bargaining chip. That’s honestly pretty unimportant, but if you needed another reason to hate him.)

Killing Alina’s mother figure: Again, he did this just to prove a point. He wanted to show Alina that he could hurt the people she cared about, and that was his only incentive.

So that the first 75% of my rant, but I also made the mistake of looking at the comments on that post and added a whole extra page responding to those.

Saying that the same thing can be applied to Kaz is so fucking disrespectful. Kaz is a traumatized teen. Is he violent? Yes. But he only hurts people who have hurt him, his friends, or other innocent people. Oomen nearly killed Inej, as well as the other crows, so Kaz hurt him because he cared about his friends and was mad that they were almost killed. When the Darkling kills people, it’s out of greed for power and the fact that he knows it’ll get a rise out of Alina.

And then this. Kaz calls Inej an investment because he values her. She said four words to him and chose to pay off her indenture. She ended up being not only an incredible spy, but an incredible friend as well. Kaz didn’t need to pay off her indenture, but he did because despite everything terrible that he does, he’s still a genuinely good person, and didn’t want to see a woman being exploited the way she was. An investment is something you value, which is why Kaz calls her one.

Also, Kaz makes a big point of Inej not belonging to anyone. He didn’t force her to get the Dregs tattoo, because he didn’t “want to be the one to mark her again.” He recognized that she was an independent person, and by not making her have the tattoo, he was giving her the freedom to leave Ketterdam when her indenture was paid off. Also, when Inej tells Kaz she wants to leave Ketterdam, he literally buys her a boat so she can leave. That’s not how you treat your property.

And as for the Darkling, he used Alina’s power to start a civil war. What he does is beyond redemption. The Darkling exploits and manipulates women. He abuses and assaults them to reach his own goals, most of which involve destroying the rest of the world so that Ravka stays in power. Comparing him to two kids who just do what they have to to survive is so disrespectful, and clearly you misunderstood the messages of the books if you think that Kaz and Nikolai are the same as the Darkling.

So that's my little anti-Darkling rant. I've already tortured my frienda with this, so if they didn't think I was insane before, they do now lol.

The downside of getting more attention is that now bots can find me easier. I had been able to thin the herd a while back by blocking egregiously, to the point where I was maybe getting a bot follow about once per week at most, but now it’s ramping up again. Though it’s gonna be hard to be merciless this time…now that I have actual #content that I know people actually want to see…the only reason I was able to block egregiously before was because I could easily be like, “ha whatever these people wouldn’t even miss much.” But now…

Rant but people who go around unironically saying that Russia is Mongolia's son clearly has not done their research and do not understand the bad implications of saying that jesus fucking christ. Some of this explanation is taken from a previous reblog explaining why it's incorrect but it needs to be said:

The cultural impact the golden horde/the Mongols had on Russia though were significant, yes, and I'm not denying that. Here's some reasons why Mongol influence was significant:

The Mongols brought with them new technologies and ideas, including the use of gunpowder and the concept of centralized rule. They also helped to unify and consolidate many of the smaller principalities and regions within Russia, laying the groundwork for the emergence of a more centralized state in the centuries that followed.

The Mongol period in Russian history helped to shape many aspects of Russian culture and identity. For example, the experience of living under Mongol rule helped to foster a sense of shared identity and national consciousness among the Russian people, as they were forced to band together and resist the foreign invaders. This period also gave rise to many stories and legends, including the epic tale of the heroic warrior-prince, Alexander Nevsky, who defeated the Teutonic Knights in battle and became a symbol of Russian resistance against foreign invaders

Indeed, the Mongols, the Golden horde Khanate, and other Asiatic influences did have a lasting impact on Russian history and culture, and it is important that we acknowledge their contributions. However, more often than not, people tend to exaggerate these influences for more sinister reasons.

Let's get this straight: Yes, Russia had many influences from different Asiatic cultures. However the core of Russian culture is Slavic - a European culture. Native Russians are European, and the existence of Russians as an ethnic group and Russia as a country was not due to Mongolian reproduction or a heavy influence of Mongol culture - if anything, that can be attributed to Kazakhs, rather than Russians.

The Mongols invaded Russia when it was a broken state. The Russian state formed as a resistance against the Mongols, not due to, again, Mongolian reproduction or a particularly heavy bleeding of Mongolian culture into Russia. The Russians did learn from the Mongols, yes, for example they adopted  the Mongol yam system, they observed how the Mongols used written contracts and adopted that too, amongst countless other things. Influences from the Mongol ruling system did stay in Russia for a while.

I'm not sure how to put this eloquently but the Mongols didn't... birth Russia, and definitely cannot be considered a parent state to the Russians. Again, if you want to see an actual parental/ancestor and descendant relationship between Mongolia and another nation, Kazakhstan is the closest you can get and it's far more accurate to say that Kazakhstan is something of a "son" to Mongolia or at least a descendent than... Russia.

Further, Russia is a country which has been influenced by many different countries and cultures - as with all countries. The sharing of culture and adaptation to different cultures into one's own is a tale as old as time when it comes to humans, so this is not me trying to squeeze Russia into a box of "white, slavic" and nothing else for the sake of my argument. However the Mongol influence wasn't the only influence on the course of Russia's future and neither was it as significant as people make it out to be, like, to the point where people imply that Mongols are direct ancestors to Russians (many Russians these days admittedly do not know much about the Mongol Empire and Mongolia other than may be the golden horde).

The Mongol rule in these areas did not involve mass migration or assimilation of Mongol populations into the local Russian population. The Mongols were a ruling elite, and the majority of the population in these areas remained primarily Slavic, with their own distinct cultural and ethnic identity.

Further, it was primarily the golden horde, a subdivision of the Mongol Empire, which controlled Russia, and made it into a vassal state. The Mongol Empire quickly divided into subdivisions after Genghis Khan died in 1227, and the furthest lands away from the Mongol homeland (so, eastern Europe essentially) were given to Genghis' eldest son's sons (his eldest son, Jochi, died 6 months before him so it was given to Jochi's children, it's a custom in Mongol culture to give the fathers land furthest from the homeland to the eldest).

Yuan Mongols (so, the state which was a predecessor state to modern Mongolia) occupied themselves in East Asia and the other Khanates (Kingdoms) in the middle East and central Asia and eastern Europe were allowed to rule and govern themselves for the most part. They eventually broke away from each other, and all of the khanates fell at different times. The golden horde actually lasted longer than the yuan dynasty - eventually the yuan dynasty had no input on the goings on in eastern Europe under golden horde rule, because it was golden horde rule.

This is an elaboration on my point as to how this has the potential to harbour harmful rhetoric; people often exaggerate Mongol influence on Russia in order to paint Russians as not being "truly European", in other words: they label Russians as Mongols in an attempt to portray them as subhuman. This is due to the pseudo history surrounding the idea that the Mongols are ancestors to Russians - which they're not.

Again, a shared Russian identity formed as a resistance against the Mongols.

I'd like to point out, that even if the Mongols did have that much of an impact on Russia (like how they did on Kazakhstan), that would not in any way justify those bigoted beliefs .

I'm saying this because it's true and it happens. Not because I'm some butthurt Asiatic who just wants to stir up drama.

This tweet is just a tiny, tiny example of how the pseudo-historic rhetoric that "Mongols are ancestors to Russians" is weaponised to spread Nazi-level racial science around about Russians (and also other eastern Europeans but because of the invasion of Ukraine, it's received a surge of popularity and a particular aim at Russians).

So no, Mongolia is not an ancestor to Russia, not a mother or a father to Russia, and frankly I'm not surprised that it's people who aren't actually interested in doing genuine research into Mongol history spouting this inaccurate and offensive garbage. People need to think twice before posting about countries they barely know about.

Everyone I've talked to who knows what they're talking about knows this "Mongols are ancestors to Russians!!" idea is load of shit.

This rhetoric - which is not based in any real history- is often, very often, spouted by literal white supremacists/racial purists/neo-Nazis.

I've been aware of this since I was 13 and first started getting into Mongol history (so like. 7 years) and watched with my own two eyes how the current climate only boosted this belief. I think I know what I'm fucking talking about, before someone tells me it's "not a big deal!!" thank you very much.

Please talk to me about Joel and Tess I’ve been thinking about them all weekend

I don't even know if I have any coherent thoughts about them it's all just a wriggling mass of worms in here, screaming about their dynamic. (Update from after writing out the rest of this deranged essay: I did not mean for this to get so long and go off on so many tangents. I am insane. Thank you.)

I'm utterly obsessed with the way Tess is the one who calls the shots - just reblogged a post the other day about how Joel looks to her for decision-making, which mixed nicely in my brain with that quote from the podcast about Joel being "a little bit of a Frankenstein monster" that Tess is leading. This fermented in my brain with Joel's consistent characterization as someone who can't live for himself, only for someone else. As joking as it is, people are absolutely on the nose with the "acts of service being Joel's love language" posts. He doesn't know how to be a person unless he's orbiting another. (This also neatly parallels Ellie's greatest fear of ending up alone, but that's a whooooole nother essay.)

For a long time, Sarah was the axis around which he orbited, and that is why losing her led to a near suicide. Tommy managed to shift Joel's orbit around himself, to save his brother, which led to "all the things we did - the things you judge me for" from episode 6. This next bit is speculation, but I think it's fairly well supported by evidence from canon. I think that Tommy wasn't able to properly handle how Joel's trauma changed him, not okay with the level of violence Joel was willing to reach to keep Tommy safe, but utterly unable to lose the only family he had left.

(Continuing this Tommy tangent, sorry): he absolutely feels some level of responsibility for how fucked up Joel is now. If he had arrived just a little sooner, he could have saved Sarah, and Joel wouldn't be the way he is. Every time Joel does something morally reprehensible for Tommy's sake, Tommy thinks this is my fault. At least at first. They met Tess later, so there was no one else for Joel to orbit, so Tommy was the only option. And he was definitely there during and in the wake of Joel's suicide attempt, so he knows Joel cannot be alone. But the way they're surviving is fucking with him.

It's not until later, when Joel and Tess have become close enough for her to be Joel's new Person that Tommy can leave, which he does, of course he does, because seeing what's become of his brother makes him sick with guilt and anger. He couldn't leave until he knew for sure Joel had a Person to keep living for, but once that's a sure thing, he leaves. (There's another whole essay in here about Joel and Tommy being foils, where Joel must be devoted to a single person and Tommy must be devoted to some greater cause, but I've digressed enough. You came here for Joel and Tess. Sorry. I swear these thoughts are all related.) Back to Joel. Everything about him screams "experienced parentification as a child" and I know I'm still in speculation land but come on. He's several years older than Tommy and he became a father at a young age, and it's implied that he was a single father from pretty early on in Sarah's life (moreso in the game, but there's no indication they changed that for the show). Joel and Tommy's parents are never so much as mentioned.

Adults who were parentified as children have a hard time expressing and meeting their own needs, particularly emotionally, and have a hard time turning off their "caregiver" mode. Just for fun, I ran a quick search about parentification to refresh my memory, and I'd like to share a few sentences that made me insane: "A parentified child does not learn to distinguish their own needs and feelings from those of other people." Here's another: "In certain cases, some degree of parentification may have positive effects, such as building resilience and competency."

Who does that sound like? Joel "you were never gonna do it for yourself" Miller, that's fucking who. (For added derangement, rewatch the breakfast scene in episode 1, starting around 6:50 when Tommy comes through the door. "Awww, he loves you." "He's dependent on me. It's not the same." But I digress. Again.) ANYWAY: Enter Tess. Tess is fucking smart and ruthless about survival, Tess shares Joel's deep trauma of losing a child, and Tess doesn't have Tommy's angst about how Joel has changed from Before. She's exactly someone whose psychological profile can mesh well with post-Outbreak Joel's. She's resourceful and great at social engineering, and she quickly picks up on how Joel's mind operates. As the audience, we never get to actually see or hear how they met and grew close, but given how they are as people, I think it's likely that Tess initially saw Joel as a resource to use, then figured out more about him, and grew to actually give a shit - until she ended up giving a lot of shits. Too many, maybe.

She definitely knows she has power in their dynamic, that she can make the decisions and Joel will follow her lead, that Joel cares about her. The scene in their apartment kitchen where he sees her swollen eye and she already knows he's going to react the way he does, has her first sentence prepared so he'll sit back down. The casual way she allows him to tilt her head and pat at her face with the cloth? She knows his need to caretake, and she allows him a few moments to meet it, and then she gently redirects him and breaks the bad news about the battery to him.

She handles him emotionally like a fucking master pianist at the keys. (Follow along at about 53:25 in episode 1 if this next bit makes no fucking sense.) She starts gentle, reassuring, telling him "nothing's lost" after dropping the fact that Robert sold the battery. She matches Joel's energy when he stands, upset, saying "okay, fuck it, we get our money back and the battery" so he doesn't feel like she's being condescending or too calm about something that's a big deal to him. She approaches, makes physical contact with her hand to get him to meet her eyes, and lays out the logic - the goal is not out of reach, but will be unless Joel listens to her. And then she says "I need you to take a breath" and there's a quiet moment where you can see her exaggerating a breath for Joel to follow. (I think this is where I became unrecoverable, by the way, if it wasn't already back where Joel rolls over at her hand on his back to be her little spoon.) Notice the energy level in the room after that breath? They both continue speaking in lower, calmer voices. Even when Joel says "Well who'd he sell it to?" his tone is irritated without being loud and abrasive.

And then my favorite thing ever. "Now I promised Robert you wouldn't hurt him. But I would very much like for you to hurt him." Because Tess knows that she is Joel's Person, and what things Joel will do for his Person. She knows because she saw it back when it was Tommy. And Tess has no problem weaponizing Joel, unlike Tommy, who'd been driven away by that very thing.

The saddest part, to me personally, is that while Tess was able to understand that she was Joel's Person, she didn't let herself believe that meant love. Not the way she wanted it to. She figured that he had to revolve around someone, psychologically, but that didn't mean he had to love them. And Joel couldn't ever say it to her, because he loses everyone he loves. It's even more obvious with Ellie, later, when he so clearly loves her as a daughter and just cannot say it in such plain words. He loved Sarah, and she died in his arms, and he loved Tommy, and Tommy left him behind. So there's no way Joel was ever going to be able to be clear with Tess that he loved her, even though he so clearly did. Especially since Tess died before Ellie's presence in Joel's life started to heal the wound - "it wasn't time that did it."

God. I have no idea if any of this makes sense, I just had a million thoughts and feelings and went off on several tangents, but I've finally run somewhat out of steam and I did, in fact, talk about Joel and Tess like you asked. So I'm gonna call it a success.

Anyway, how was your weekend?

"Perimortem"

Chapter Two: Bad Bad Things

Warnings: Detailed Gore, Visceral bodily destruction, a metal skeleton being mean, this one actually isn't that cw-y.

Hi. Welcome to Chapter Two. Do me a favor okay? Mind the content warnings, I'll try to do them comprehensively on every chapter. Mind the tags, if you want to find story posts easily, search 'Perimortem Story,' every post will have this tag. If you like my work please reblog I guess, I'd like people to read it. <3 Thank you. >>>>>>.

Wind howled and rushed past her, and she just… let it, unaware of where she was, what was happening. It could have been a dream… it felt like a dream. Was she dreaming?

So bright… her skin ached, feeling dry and irritated and…

The stink of smoke was so, so… so strong. Her clothing was gone, completely. It was definitely a nightmare. She'd had nightmares like this all the damn time, as a kid, when her sister told her that if she misbehaved, that if she failed her father, she would be cast from the sky into the sand.

That nightmare had always come after she disappointed Nisal, or-

Her eyes snapped open, and she regretted it immediately, screaming and going blind - they were too close to the lightlace, the crystal light source that traced its lacework along the 'roof' of the main 'floor' of Hell.

The pain was, bizarrely, irrelevant - she was terrified, confused, and-

Shot. Shot in the head, shot through the torso a dozen times, shot… shot and…

"Yeah, I'm still here," The Thing You Can't Defeat said, chuckling. Only then did she become aware it was clinging to her back like a hot metal spider, her skin sizzling against its apparently steel body. Stranger yet, she barely felt weight from him, if at all, as if he wasn't FULLY there, mass wise. "Because you need to do one more thing, while you're still high up. Come on and get your broken, scorched body together. Exercise some rage, and force yourself to regenerate - or like, you know, do spells."

She didn't reply - couldn't. It had given her a gift, however, or a disease? Things were still foggy, its head still aching… a bullet-

"One bullet is still inside your think meat. Have some stones. Get a finger in there, freakshow. Rip it out," it ordered. She'd done nothing her entire life but follow orders, and not think about who the fuck they were coming from, or what a normal- "Sort your trauma later, assfucker. Get the bullet out of your fucking brain. I am saving your life, not manipulating you like your FREAK sister."

She reached up, unable to even feel her arms moving fully, and felt her head with a hand that was kind of like… a wooden prosthetic she had seen in a museum, articulated, capable of motion, but was not animated. Her fingers were useless things, clumsy, but…

"Nisal is sitting in her office, drinking a cup of tea while she day dreams about how, in approximately two hours, she is going to shoot your father in the head and chest," the reaper said. "Does that make you… angry? Hmmmm?"

Her father.

Did it?

She didn't have time to care if it ought to or not, because it did. It did piss her off. Her father… he'd shown her kindness so many more times than Nisal ever had, had been softer on her when she needed it. He was the only reason she became an operator at all, given her… squemish nature.

"Don't throw up on me," it added.

With renewed vigor and elevated rage, she plunged her fingers into the open, weeping hole on her fucking head. Her fingertips closed around the bullet, and in a motion as quick and smooth as could be, tore it free of her brainmeat. If she waited, all the… messy, incorrect data blasting through her head, and the agitation of her torn, exposed neurons…

She threw up, and in the spinning, twisting motion of falling miles from the sky, some of it DEFINITELY got The Thing You Can't Defeat.

With the bullet still clenched in her fist, and her rage stoked, her brain started healing - regenerating? She was able to think, and could feel the neurons lacing back together as an indescribable conceptual itch. Horrific memory blasted through her skull, the frozen image of Koka's head and shoulders sitting on the damn floor…

The taste of their iron and gore in her mouth…

"You're hurtling towards the execution pools twelve miles outside of Outer Vaingloria, you half-dead crispy tender. If you hit the lava, even my gift will not save you - and if you drop into radar range too close, when you do land, you'll be imprisoned, and then destroyed when they find out what you are - or worse, if they find out WHO you are. Figure it out," The Thing You Can't Defeat said, softly, excitedly.

Magic had been a necessity, and the magics she specialized in were…

Cowardly, pathetic, useless - piercing illusions, penetrating wards, deweaving curse traps and-

"Simpler, you fucking box of rocks with hair taped to it - well, not anymore, your hair burned off, but still," the Death hissed.

Redacted ran through her options. Pyrokinetics? Useless, probably. Telekinetics?

Force projection? Planar distortion?

"You're annoying, you know that?" TTYCD muttered. "You need to deflect from a downward course. You're going extremely fast, and have mild experience with… luxen constructs," it said, slowly, so sarcastic the words practically dripped with insult, indignant at having to interact with such an utter failure.

Luxen constructs. Telekinetics.

It started coming together, and she rolled over, waiting until the darkness came - her eyelids grew back, as did her eyes in kind - but her back burned as if the reaper itself wasn't there. She opened her fresh eyelids, and stared downwards. The sand was a blur, the heat distortions completely obscuring everything…

She closed her eyes again, and started focusing. Working without diagrams was difficult, so she created one - using thaumiostable meki particles, she built out a spell that would save her fucking life, or… at least save her life from being charbroiled.

"You would splatter, actually. Lava is dense, you're made of water. You'd splatter, then sizzle," TTYCD corrected. She rolled her aching eyes, then opened them, staring at the luxen construct built below her. It was huge, an enormous plane that she had formed. Luxencrystal could be ritually designed, but lightworkers like her…

They could manifest it. She'd not practiced much, but a simple shape was doable - and with this plane falling along with her, she could see the black lines of her semi-real diagram properly. Tweaking, planning, took time… and the pain was starting to matter again.

"This is going to hurt," TTYCD said.

"Yes, absolutely," she rasped. "But it'll turn a lot of this vertical momentum into horizontal."

"Clever, if you'd thought of it yourself, dumbshit," it grunted.

Malla ignored it, and set to work. The plane's shaping was critical. Luxencrystal was stable only so long as it had magic to feed it and light to devour and incorporate into its structure - light wasn't an issue. Magic was - but her well felt deep, deeper than she'd ever felt it before, and grasping this wellspring met her with the odd sensation of cold, of… a kind of void-touch, as if she brushed against the bitter shores of the Last River.

With this well of power, she shaped herself a lovely, long ramp. It was nice and smooth, luxencrystal damn near frictionless when made correctly. Her Death chuckled.

"Brace for impact, meat crayon."

Sighing, she rolled onto her back, focused on the ramp, and stared into the diagram made of meki particles, feverishly checking her work - and then, she triggered it. The ramp began to rise towards her, telekinetic forceplanes pushing it upwards towards her, gradually decelerating it until-

Stage two.

Nisal's eyes bored into her in her mind, staring down at her, with a pistol aimed. Her body hit the first telekinetic forceplane that awkwardly, painfully reoriented her onto the surface.

Stage three. The ramp rapidly stopped, the telekinetic counterforce required enough to really test her magical limits - but she accelerated, absolutely SHOT down the slick ramp.

"Oho, creative," TTYCD whispered, laying on top of her, essentially, weightless but still there. The ramp deteriorated, flooding the air with wylde magic, and as she sailed gracefully off the end…

Ahead of her, there came a sudden, sharp distortion in the air. Thunder rolled over them, as they raced towards a massive sphere of contracting hard light. It was taking everything, EVERYTHING that she had, to maintain it. In its forming, it had sucked them violently towards it, accelerating her enormously.

"Oho…" TTYCD said, chuckling. "You can have this for free - this is very clever. The whole... gas compression vaccum sucky orb thing? Very smart."

The orb of luxencrystal, pale pink in color, raced towards them - and she shoved it, with all the TK she could muster, downward.

They passed over it. Layers of hard light wove themselves under her.

Phase 4. Explosive decompression.

The orb dissolved, in an instant.

It might have been deafening, and it shattered every luxen shield she made as it expanded, but she already couldn't hear anything but the rushing of the air and TTYCD, when it spoke. The shockwave hit her, and she felt things go wrong inside - it didn't matter. She couldn't just dodge the pools, she had to…

She had to dodge the people manning them, too.

"This high up, folk aren't likely to notice an explosion… or will assume it's… a virrak and a clovus fighting. Happens… all the time. Read… an article, somewhere," she panted, finding it hard and strange to speak when she couldn't hear her own voice. It was all she could do to build out another plane of hard light, and then force her arms through it, locking her in place. It'd glide, at least a little… and let her rest.

"I did already understand that, yes, stinky. Unlike you, I've been down here before," it drawled, laughing. "Remember, my newborn friend. Drink some fucking people, as soon as you can - unless you like a ruptured spleen, half-liquified eyeballs and a heart that doesn't work. Drink… eat your fill. You will have to EAT."

Consciousness was, at that point, a limited resource. Redacted kept fading in and out, losing the thread of what was happening and then reacquiring it somewhere unfamiliar, in color and texture. Every time she slid back into the waking world, the Death was there, rasping in her ear. It had become something of a comfort, something less frightening.

Finally, she rasped, "are we there yet?"

"For what it's worth, you managed not to hit a building or road," it replied, and she took that as a-

I posted 3,128 times in 2022

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#and i do still want lews therin so maybe egwene can touch a little saidin as a treat? or not? or maybe? but not at the same time and the

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Watching Rings of Power ep 5. Love Disa, love Durin, love everything Elrond and Durin have going on, but omg this mithril storyline is so stupid.

13 notes - Posted October 1, 2022

#4

Star Trek Picard is really giving off the ~vibes~ that Q realized Jean Luc may be in love with someone else so now he's going to cause (more) problems on purpose.

21 notes - Posted March 31, 2022

#3

I was going to do a whole bulleted, point by point Eye of the World recap, but then RL shit happened and I just don't have the brainspace/time for that anymore.

But I did just finish my WoT Book One re-read and it's been an interesting experience. And it's made me respect the hell out of the show even more.

Because there is so much heavy-handed Tolkien pastiche in EotW, which was pretty de rigeur for 90's fantasy, so much so that it definitely didn't ping on my radar back then. 90's fantasy lit, especially the mass marketed kind, was kind of like fanfic in the sense that most of the books hit the same kind of Tolkien-inspired tropes over and over again and that's kind of what the audience wanted. Like when there's only one bed and you already know what's going to happen but you still can't wait to see it happen.

But the audience, both fantasy and general, has changed since then. And that Tolkien pastiche that used to be comfortable would've been pretty boring. And it wouldn't have fit with what the book series became once Jordan flexed his own world building muscles for real. The show gave us Jordan's world from the beginning and I respect the hell out of them for that.

Even though I haven't read EotW since I was a teenager, and I'm a good 30 years out from those days, there are parts that really stuck with me. I imprinted on Nynaeve and I remembered all of her POV with clarity. I love her even more now. I have more patience for Rand's struggles and like him more now, I've been through the identity fire since then, so I can recognize and appreciate his struggles more.

I still don't love the whole man vs women gendered dynamic. And Egwene and Mat are hardly more than cyphers yet. But it's been so nice to re-visit this world with new eyes.

28 notes - Posted June 11, 2022

#2

I know it's been said before, but I can't get over how excellently Andor captures the heavy mundanity of fascism.

It starts in a galaxy that's accustoming itself to oppression. Because people need to eat, you know? The day-to-day is hard enough, who has the energy to do more than that. They'll get along. They'll be fine.

And then it takes it's time to show that they're not fine. They're all living on a knife's edge, surviving at the whims of people who don't care about them, who don't see them as people.

But it also shows the ways that people find to fight back: the Dhani making the trek to see The Eye, the people of Ferrix banging on pipes as cops walk down the street, Nemik's manifesto and Bix's contacts.

Fascism is boring and complacency is easy. Until the cop is knocking on your door, until the military is relocating you, until the boot is on your neck. Fascism is boring until it's really, really not.

63 notes - Posted November 27, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

The dinosaur is gay.

12,300 notes - Posted June 12, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

I Carry Your Heart

Harry Styles x Reader

Word Count: 4k

{Ahhhh ok so this is my first work like ever. There will definitely be a second part because ive got more to say and it needs a second part. I hope whoever sees and reads this imagine enjoys it. I appreciate comments, likes, reblogs, ideas on what could go into the story, and any form of help and redirection as to how i should write things. Much love, R.}.

Part two

All Y/N wanted tonight was to hang out with her boyfriend, eat a mass amount of junk food, and watch a marvel movie or two. That was all she wanted and that was all she asked of her boyfriend. Instead of any of that happening, she found herself sitting on the nasty kitchen island of her boyfriend's frat at a party that she was trying to avoid going to.

This party was supposedly ‘the party of the year.’ The last rager before finals and then christmas break. Y/N had spent the whole week studying and finishing up end of semester projects hence the want for a chill night. When Harry came to her saying his frat was throwing a party tonight and that he just HAD to be here, Y/N didn't feel like she had a choice but to let him go. She came because she thought this would be the only time she would be able to have some time with Harry after a long week of barely seeing each other. With two vastly different majors, the couple wasnt able to find a lot of time in the middle of school work to make time for just the two of them. Obviously her hopes of quality time with her man were futile because here she was sitting by herself in the kitchen of the frat while Harry drank and got high with his friends in other parts of the house.

Of course she was disappointed. She felt a knot in her throat and a weight on her chest just sitting there in that kitchen. Her white claw was warm now- not that it was any cold when she opened it. She was starting to form a small headache from the too loud music and the ache in her heart was growing.

She stood from the countertop on the search for her boyfriend, hoping he wasn't too far gone from sober. Wiping the back of her jeans from anything that was left on the island, she began walking around the house. She doesn't remember the last time the two of them spent time together by themselves. Of course they occasionally ate dinner together in the dining hall but they were normally surrounded by friends. Y/N wanted to be alone with her boyfriend to talk and bask in his presence.

After pushing through groups of partying humans, she found Harry and at least ten other people sitting around playing some sort of drinking game.

“Y/N! Where have you been?” Luca, one of Harry's frat brothers yelled out to her from the circle. Luca was cool, he was one of the only tolerable boys in this frat aside from Harry. Hearing his girlfriend's name, Harry turned around from where he sat on the ground and reached out for his girlfriend to sit beside him. Much to Y/N’s dismay, Harry was wasted. His eyes were half mass and his words bumped and slurred together. “We are playing truth or dare, wanna play?” Luca asked.

“I don't wanna play but Ill sit and watch.” Sitting next to her boyfriend, she grabbed one of his hands holding it in her lap. She was annoyed at him but it did her no good to show it when he was this drunk.

This game of truth or dare was childish. Dares of licking people's shoes and taking multiple shots had been done and truths about money and relationships were being spilled among the group. It had finally become Harry’s turn to do something, making Y/N tense.

“Ok Harry, I dare you to…” One drunk frat boy started looking around the room trying to come up with something clever. His eyes landed on a pretty girl in the room, Yara, a stuck up girl who for sure got her way no matter what. “I dare you to kiss the hottest girl in the room- obviously not your girlfriend because that defeats the purpose.” The frat boy smirked knowing what his intentions were. Everyone in the group giggles and gasped shocked by the dare but ready to see what was going to go down. Y/N’s brows furrowed as she became angry with the stupid dare.

The ache in her chest seemed to tip over the edge when she felt her boyfriend in the room move to stand up. She grabbed at the bottom of his shirt as a way of stopping him. Harry halted his movements to look down at his girlfriend. He giggled a little.

“You’re not actually going to do this right?” She asked Harry with wide eyes of shock. Harry laughed at her like she made a joke, making her heart hurt even more.”Harry I do not want you to do this just take the shot and lose the dare.” Her tone held warning.

“Don't be silly of course I'm going to. It's just a dare, nothing serious. Don't be so clingy.” He stood walking over to Yara and planted a wet kiss on her mouth. Yara gripped Harry’s shirt and kissed him harder. The kiss went on for a few more seconds, the room absolutely silent out of shock. Harry stepped back from Yara slightly sobering up from his actions. Yara smirked at Y/N, hand gliding down the front of Harry's shirt.

Y/N stood from the seat she was in and scoffed. Scoffed because she should've known Harry would do something like this. Scoffed because it hurt to see her boyfriend do something so careless without any regard for his girl's feelings. She pulled herself together, feeling her throat tighten once again. She was quick to leave the room and down the hall of the frat.

Harry's clumsy steps could be heard from behind her as he mumbled her name. Or at least he tried to. He was still so out of it, his words not making much sense. Y/N was crying now, the strength that she had slowly dissolving as she walked further away from her boyfriend.

“Y/N wait. P-please wait. I cant-” Harry stumbled over his legs behind her falling into the grass of the front yard. The girl couldn't help but turn around looking at her stupid boyfriend. She was choking on sobs now. She wasn't crying over a measly little kiss but over an extreme amount of burnout from school and exhaustion from simply existing. She was crying because her boyfriend ignored her boundaries, crushing and erasing the boundaries she had set in their relationship. Harry tried reaching for her once she had stopped walking. His hand clasped around her wrist, he laid his head down on her shoulder. He hated seeing her cry even if he was too drunk to see why.

“Baby don't leave, Im-Im Sorry.” He hiccuped and burped due to the alcohol. Y/N felt her rage build. Shoving Harry off of her, she crossed her arms across her chest as a way to shield herself from Harry physically. He was hurt by her distance and the wall she put up around her.

“You're an idiot Harry. An idiot!” her sobs grew louder, some stray party goers watching in amusement- some even snapchatting it for shits and giggles. “I didnt want you to kiss her and you did. What provoked you to think that was ok? All I wanted was for us to hang out tonight and just be us and you did this!” She was yelling now. Her hurt is beyond her now. Anger and rage simmered throughout her body making her head dizzy and her fingers curl within themselves. She didnt like being angry. It wasn't an emotion she liked acting on, it felt impersonal.

“Baby I don't under-” Before Harry could finish his sentence he was barfing at his feet. Y/N stepped back disgusted with her boyfriend. She couldn't even feel remorseful because of how angry she was. Luca, the frat brother from earlier, caught up with Harry and his girl only to find Harry doubled over heaving. Luca wrapped his arms around Harry's shoulders.

“I'm sorry Luca but I can't do this tonight. Can you please make sure he gets some water and goes to bed. I-I can't do it tonight, I wish I could but I can't.” Y/N didn't want to leave her boyfriend in this state but she didn't deserve this. She wasn't going to care for her drunk boyfriend when all she wanted to do was care for herself. Selfishly, she enjoyed seeing him this way because of the anger he caused her.

Luca shook his head in understandment. “Of course, I'm really sorry for tonight. He's going to seriously regret this in the morning, especially since it will be circulating all over snapchat in the morning.” Luca waved to Y/N then proceeded to pull Harry into the house. Harry called out for Y/N not wanting to be away from her but Luca pulled him harder.

Harry woke up the next morning feeling like the bottom of a dumpster. He wasn't shocked by that. He knew he got trashed last night, he had planned to. He, just like Y/N, spent all week studying and completing projects while also fulfilling certain responsibilities for his frat. He wanted one night to be a normal teen. So he drank and drank and drank and maybe even smoked some weed. As he tried to recall last night's events he came up with nothing. He didn't understand why Y/N wasn't here with him like she normally would after a party on the weekend. They were normally always together during the weekend. A bad feeling loomed over him. He could tell something wasn't right but decided to put his feelings to the side.

He saw a bottle of water beside his bed making him think she was probably here and left early. Chugging the water he started to go through his socials to see if anyone had posted about the party. He had multiple tagged pics and videos in his notifications from snapchat. Way more than he normally would.

The first video he saw was a video of him and Y/N standing in the front yard of the frat house. Turning the volume all the way up he could hear Y/N yelling, it shocked him. She doesn't normally raise her voice, especially not at him. The angle changed showing her face which was red with anger, eyes filled with unshed tears. He could hear her yelling about him kissing someone else. He felt his heart stop. He had kissed someone else? On the next snap was a picture of him keeled over vomiting on his shoes with the caption saying, ‘are yall seeing this shit?’ Harry was embarrassed but he was more concerned than anything.

His head was hurting but it didn't stop him from rolling out of bed, washing up, and putting on a fresh set of clothes. He checked his phone hoping Y/N had messaged him but nothing was there. He walked into the kitchen only to see luca sitting at the counter eating cereal.

“Hey Harry….” Luca said warily. Luca pushed the cereal around his bowl feeling the tension begin to rise in the room. He felt horrible about his friends.

“Luca...what's up?” Harry was confused by Lucas' wariness.

“So do you remember anything about last night?” Luca asked, setting his cereal down in the sink behind him. Harry started playing with the frayed edges of a bracelet Y/N made for him. It had little beads with her name on it. They made them together at an event on campus.

“I don't, I only saw the videos of Y/N screaming at me. I think I fucked up but I- I don't know what happened.” Harry's cheek flushed with even more embarrassment. Luca awkwardly chuckled scratching the back of his neck.

“You got dared to kiss the hottest girl in the room and um actually did it in front of Y/N...even though she didn't want you to. Which led you guys outside and yeah you know the rest...Im sorry dude, I wish I had stopped you.”

“Who- who did I kiss?” Harrys stomach lurched when he heard Yara’s name come out of Lucas' name. Y/N didn't like Yara and it was understandable. Yara has been pining after Harry since their first year of college. Harry couldn't breathe. He felt disgusted with himself. He could only imagine how Y/N was feeling.

Y/N woke up the same morning, eyes puffy and crusty from tears and head hurting. She probably cried herself into dehydration. She was lucky enough to have no roommate because she wouldn't have wanted someone else to see her breakdown. She still couldn't believe last night went down the way it went down. She couldn't tell if she was just being overdramatic or if her emotions were in the right place. She didn't want to be mad at Harry. He was everything to her, she had an odd connection to him. Meeting him during their freshman welcome week they quickly became best friends with a growing romantic connection in the mix. They started dating before Christmas break. They had grown close so fast that he even came home with her to meet her family for the first few days of break.  Even though they were in their junior year of college, Y/N could see them beyond college. She's imagined them getting married, travelling, sharing a home. She saw the whole future with him. She had her doubts though. He was immature just like every other boy in college. He was dumb with his actions and tended to only do things if they benefited him. He had a lot of growing to do as a person, so did she but she wanted to grow with him.

She heard a knock on her door hesitating to answer it because one, it could be Harry, and two, she looked like a wreck. Answering anyways, she was met with a very sorry looking Harry holding a small coffee and bagel from their cafe.

“Hi baby…” He sheepishly said holding out the items. She silently let him through the door not once looking him in the eye. He stepped into her room, setting her treats on her desk. He could see that her bed was messy meaning she recently woke up. Y/N never went about her day without making her bed. He turned back to her and finally their eyes met. He took in all of her facial features, from her puffy eyes, to her downturned lips that looked chapped, to her flushed cheeks that longed to be held for warmth. He hated to see her like this, the last time he saw her so upset was when her parents moved out of her childhood home. It took alot to make Y/N this upset. She was normally really headstrong and vigilant. She knew how to ease her way out of problematic situations and could talk her way through anything.

Harry opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Y/N holding her hand up in front of his face. “Don't talk. I'm really hurt Harry, so if your plan was to come over here and apologize over bagels- think again.” She snapped, backing up to put space between the two of them. She sat down on her bed while Harry pulled the desk chair out and sat down. He much preferred to be on the bed with her holding her tight but he didn't want to overstep boundaries.

“Love, I don't know where to begin. I'm really sorry for what happened last night. I was really drunk and obviously wasn't in the right headspace.” Harry reached out and touched the tips of her fingers with his. She wanted to move but it felt good to be touched by Harry.

“I told you that a measly little apology won't do Harry. I didn't want you to kiss Yara and you did anyway. You know how Yara feels about you and you just let it happen!” She pulled her hand away remembering the prior night's events. Harry felt himself getting angry too. He felt like he needed to defend himself- even though it would be a very bad idea.

“I think you're being over dramatic.” Wrong move Harry. “It wasn't like I was making out with her!”

“You're joking right?” She scoffed and scooted further up her bed to create more distance. “Harry it's the simple fact that you did something that made me uncomfortable that shouldn't have even happened. I see myself getting married to you and it makes me worry that right now in our relationship you can't respect my boundaries!” She yelled. Harry’s eyes widened as he laughed sarcastically.

“Married? What the fuck are you on about? I'm a junior in college. In what world would it make sense for me to be prepping a relationship for marriage? Once again I think you're being over dramatic.” Her eyes watered hearing Harry's statement.

“I- I guess I'm the only one in this relationship thinking about the future? I thought we were on the same page. I'm not planning our marriage now, obviously. I'm thinking about how elements of our relationship now could play out in the future when we do want to get married. You cheated on me last night. I went to a party you begged ME to go to only to be there for you. I wanted to be here cuddling with you, pigging out on fast food but I was at a party with you and got cheated on!” Her volume rises once again, making Harry shove his chair from underneath him when he stands up.

“You're doing too much right now. I'm not planning a future right now because I don't want this future! I want to be myself without thinking about how to appease my girlfriend. I invited you to the party so you could lighten the fuck up. I love you, I do, but I'm not thinking of marriage and futures. I'm thinking about my life right now and having fun.” Harry snapped right back at her. Her chin wobbled. Obviously her and Harry were on different pages. It hurt so much to hear him say that he didn't want a future with her. Harry didn't mean it though.

“Ok, well I guess that's my fault for assuming we were thinking along the same lines. Um, I don't want to hold you back from being yourself so with that being said, you are a free man Harry.” She pushed herself up from her bed walking to the door ready to escort Harry out.

“Huh? Love, what?” Harry was confused on how they got to this point. Just a few days ago they were in love, meeting in the library to share a lunch and exchanging sweet words determined by their love.

“Listen I have a day full of exams tomorrow so if you could just leave that would be best. You don't really want this so I'm letting you go, Harry.” She had tears rolling down her face, falling from her eyes down to her chin where they fell to the ground in droplets. Harry’s eyes welled up watching his love cry before him.

“I don't-”

“Harry, leave, please.” She opened the door making room for him to go through. He walked through the door turning to look at her. She turned her face away from him whispering a small goodbye before shutting the door. Harry was left in the silent hallway, so silent he could hear his thoughts and the tears hitting the tile floor beneath him. He thinks he stood there for at least thirty more minutes before accepting what had happened and walking away.

Leaving Y/N in her room sobbing like she had never done before. Her tears coated her face and she thought her head could explode right then and there. She didn't want to accept what had happened but she had priorities. She composed herself enough to start studying for her exams.

The week rolled by quickly, Monday meeting Friday in a flash. Exams were done and Christmas break was on the horizon. Students were piling off of campus in a hurry ready to get home to their loved ones. People were outside by cars loading up their winter necessaries and saying their goodbyes to their close friends.

Harry cried everyday this week. He wasn't normally a crier. He hated crying, he hated the feeling of crying and the headache that came from it. He cried because he realized how wrong he was. He missed Y/N. He missed finals week dinner together where they tried to get off campus at least once and be alone for a moment. He missed watching her relax while eating food that wasn't from their school's cafeteria. He would pay for their meal just so she could have one less thing to worry about. They would normally get frozen yogurt right after too, Y/N getting as many toppings as she wanted because Harry would be the one paying. He missed her tight after exam hugs. She would squeeze his shoulders tight, smiling into his neck, telling him how proud she was of him. She would bring him tea in the morning when they met for breakfast. Sometimes they would spend the night in one or the others room so they could have time together to destress and just talk.

Y/N wasn't doing any better. She normally went into exam week feeling confident. She studied too hard not to. But this week she felt like shit. Her heart hurt and she kept thinking about the fight. She feels like she overreacted but hearing Harry talk about their lack of a future hurt nonetheless. She really assumed that they did have a future that included marriage and a life together. She didn't understand where his sudden lack of commitment came from. She regretted dumping him but at the same time she wished he did more to get them back together but he was silent. He hasn't contacted her at all and avoided all of their spots on campus all together.

She stood by her car prepping for her six hours car ride back home. Packing away her clothes and some essentials in the trunk of her car, she heard light footsteps behind her. Closing her trunk she turned to see Harry standing with his hands in his pockets.  

“Hi.” He said. She looked at him, putting her own hands in her pockets. It was cold outside, the nippy air hinting at a possibility of snow.

“Hi Harry.” They shared a moment of silence together. Just staring at each other. It felt good to be near each other again. They felt like they could breathe again.

“I had to see you before you left. I know the break is only a month but I didn't want to leave without seeing you.” He replied quietly. She made him feel so shy. Her beauty always made him awestruck. Even in a hoodie with their college's logo and some large sweatpants and some fuzzy crocs, she was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

“I don't know what to say harry.”

“It's ok. I don't deserve anything from you after what I said. I just wanted to apologize and wish you a good break before you left. I also wanted to give you this.” He pulled a small box and envelope out of the front pocket of his backpack. “I know we agreed on no presents but I think thats a dumb rule and I love you too much to not get you something.” She smiled at his words, taking the gift from his hands.

“Thank you Harry, it means a lot to me. So what are your plans for a break?” She asked him, the tension that was in the air slowly dissipating.

“I couldn't get a flight home until next wednesday so i'll stay here on campus until then.” He shrugged.

“Oh ok. Well tell Anne I said hi. I have to go Harry but I'll see you after the break, ok?” She didn't want to leave him but she didn't want to drive through the dark.

“Ok, love. Drive safe. I lov- I mean have a good break.” Her chest tightened at his hesitation. She wants to hear him say the words but she knows he won't.

“Have a good break Harry.” She whispered. Before getting in her car she stood on her toes placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Rubbing her thumb across his cheek and turning away and into her car.

She drove away knowing that her heart was left in that parking lot in the hands of someone she loves way too much.

Harry stood in the parking lot watching his heart drive away for winter wanting nothing more than to be with her.

Part two

VADD Fashion Analysis 3

This is in response to @hibbiegibbiescrispychipies's reblog on my previous rant, because TUMBLR KEEPS DELETING MY RESPONSE and I actually wrote a lot, so:

Yeah, definitely, Penelope's style would incorporate a lot of asymmetry and details. I wouldn't say she's the type to wear animal print and really modern patterns(remember, there's a degree of "past/historical fantasy" in this, and og!Penelope has no idea of modern-day fashion. Also, personally I just really hate animal print.) Siyeon's very practical and didn't have the luxury to dress up as a child, being mostly in uniforms and simple clothing, as well as having different priorities, such as not-dying. Personally, I wouldn't use "trashy historical" to describe something- there are usually negative connotations of them being sexually revealing and cheap. Anyways, I'd think that Penelope's clothes would adhere to Imperial fashion to some point, but with an edge? It's true that historical clothing seems to be very strict, but keep in mind that there are few surviving garments, and the recent ones are because machine-stitched and mass-manufactured clothing in the late 19th century became more popular. Most of what we get early "historical clothing" from is portraiture and garments from royal mausoleums and storage. I wouldn't say historical clothing is boring- remember, they were worn by humans of the past, so there are definitely examples of riskier, daring takes on fashion at the time. Our sense of propriety and what's deemed "modest" is much different from the past. Just look at the Italian/Medieval(not sure) trend of exposing one's chest entirely by unfastening their top. People in the past thought exposing women's hair was the same as wearing a stripper outfit in modern-day. I hc Penelope as having a good fashion sense because she shopped a lot, not just for jewels, and was more or less good at predicting fashion trends most of the time. Yes, she doesn't care about her reputation, but remember, she went to Gloria Kellen's tea party in last year's hunting competition where she got mocked and bullied. Given that she's had six years to be an outcast, the fact that she still went seems to imply that she'd go and try to fit in with the other girls, only to get bullied. So I think that Penelope would wear stuff that was more "appropriate" sometimes, for lack of a better term. But yeah, definitely. I'm thinking about drawing and writing about Penelope in pearls, extravagant clothing, big hats, and gloves(Bayonetta and Jean-inspired shopping outfits, anyone?). We definitely need Penelope in extravagant clothing: that's one of the icks I have about the story: Penelope's extravagance is seen as something stupid and foolish when it's just not to their taste.

Planetary Model of Alterhuman Identities

I could have sworn I had posted about this before, but apparently not, so here we go. While questioning my faun identity a year ago, I ended up using a metaphor of solar systems and planets to describe different kinds and impacts of nonhuman identity. I posted about it on the Alt+H forums at the time, and wanted to also share here and see what discussions and developments come up. To be clear, these are not identities in themselves, but a metaphor for exploring how identities relate to one another. Identifying-as identites (therian, otherkin, various linktypes) are stars/suns. They can have different features. Just as a star can be different sizes, colors, densities, people can have varying 'types with different features. For example, my dog theriotype features phantom, mental and envisage shifts, pattern noemata, and behavioral urges. Someone else's type might come with past life memories, species dysphoria, etc. The reason these identities are stars are they are central- they have a certain gravity. Often, other things relate to them or they have a central/critical role in the overall picture. Paratypes are satellites (planets, etc.) Like suns, planets can be wildly different from one another and have all sorts of features. But what they share in common is that they all orbit the sun. A paratype is usually related to an existing 'type, just as planets orient to, center on, and are moved by their sun. One can use moons, etc. to reflect multi-layer relationships. Otherhearted/kith identities are planetary systems without stars. Otherhearted experiences can be just as complex, large and important as 'kin experiences, and I wanted to reflect that. There are a lot of astral bodies that meet the definition of planets (or have a similar mass to stars) but which aren't in orbit around a star. If I recall correctly, part of the original coining of 'paratype' compared the feelings to kith/hearted-like feelings. Thus an otherhearted planet can resemble a paratype planet, but is independent and moves in it's own right, without being tied to another identity. Cameos are comets (or other passing astral bodies). They pass through a given solar system, they might even loop around a few times recurrently, but they are not a stable, lasting fixture. On voluntariness: I have not made a voluntary/involuntary distinction here, and this is deliberate. For purposes of this model, the type of identity matters, but not it's origin. A mandmade satellite will behave in orbit the same as a natural one (e.g. a moon). They might have different features, but they function and relate to other another and other bodies in the same way. On questioning: This metaphor can extend into questioning. If one has an unknown astral body, one can try to identify it by it's features (e.g. size, density). Often, astronomers discover new planets or stars by seeing their gravitational effects on other bodies. Likewise, one can reach conclusions about an identity by how it intersects with others. For an example: For a long time I thought I had one dog kintype, with sheep as a paratype, and goats as a secondary paratype off of sheep. (Dog as sun, sheep as planet, goat as moon). Relating to other half-humans like fauns, mermaids, and centaurs I considered a general, broad connection to all alterhumanity. But this did not accurately reflect my feelings: I felt much more strongly connected to fauns > centaurs and minotaurs > everything else. And my love of goats didn't always seem to go through sheep as a middleman. This helped me realize and embrace my faun identity, where I could have two suns, and goats/centaurs became paratypes of faunness, with sheep as a paratype to both kintypes.

I'll include my own diagram in a reblog.

Well, this is interesting! So, in that post yesterday, there was one line that really baffled me, a thing about people brushing off a character as an asshole “because he shows literally zero growth.” I kind of set that aside because it was such a weird non-sequitur, and guessed that it was just someone’s sentences not quite keeping up with their train of thought, which has happened to me many times. Apparently I was wrong! I already spent long enough on that one post, I’m tired of talking about that, but this is new and interesting. 

Okay. I kind of wanted to see if I could talk about this purely in terms of abstracts and not characters, but I don’t think it’ll work. It would be frustrating to write and confusing to read. It’s about Jiang Cheng. Right up front: This isn’t about whether or not he’s an abuser. Frankly, I don’t think it’s relevant. This also isn’t about telling people they should like him. I don't care whether anyone else likes him or not. But I do like him, and I am always fascinated by dissecting the reasons that people disagree with me. And the process of Telling Stories is my oldest hyperfixation I remember, which will become relevant in a minute.

I thought I had a good grasp on this one, you know? Jiang Cheng makes it pretty obvious why people would dislike Jiang Cheng. But then the posts I keep stumbling over were making weird points, culminating in that “literally zero growth” line.

So! What happened is that someone wrote up a post about how Jiang Cheng’s character arc isn’t an arc, it’s stagnation. It’s a pretty interesting read, and I broadly agree with the larger point! The points where I would quibble are like... the idea that it’s absolute stagnation, as opposed to very subtle shifts that still make a material difference. But still, cool! The post was also offered up as a reason why OP was uninterested in writing any more Jiang Cheng meta, which I totally get. I’m not tired of him yet, but I definitely understand why someone who isn’t a fan of his would get tired about writing about a character with a very static arc. Okay!

Now, internet forensics are hard. I desperately wish I had more information about this evolution, because I find this stuff fascinating, but I have no good way to find things said in untagged posts, reblogs, or private/external venues. But as far as I can tell, that “literally zero growth” wasn’t just a slip of the tongue, it’s become fashionable for people to say that Jiang Cheng is an abusive asshole (that it’s fucked up to like) because he doesn’t have a character arc.

Asshole? Yes. Abusive? This post still isn’t about that. This is about it being fucked up to like this character because he did bad things and had a static character arc.

At first, that point of view was still deeply confusing to me. But I think I figured out the idea at the core of it, and now I’m only baffled. I’m not super interested in confirming this directly, because the people making the most noise about this have not inspired confidence in their ability to hold a civil conversation and I’m a socially anxious binch, but I think the idea is: ‘This character did Bad Things, and then did not improve himself.’

Which is alarmingly adjacent to that old favorite standard of ‘This piece of fiction is glorifying Bad Thing.’ I haven’t seen anyone accusing mxtx of something something jiang cheng, only the people who read/watched/heard the story and became invested in the Jiang Cheng character, but things kind of add up, you know?

Like I said, I don’t want to arbitrate anyone’s right to like/dislike Jiang Cheng. That’s such a fucking waste of time. But this is fascinating to me, because it’s like..... so obviously new and sudden, with such a clear originating point. I can’t speak to the Chinese fans, obviously, but exiledrebels started translating in... what, 2017? And only now, in 2021, do people start putting forth Jiang Cheng’s flat character arc as a “reason” that he’s bad? I’m not going to argue if he pings you in the abuse place, I’m not a dick. I’m not going to argue if you just dislike his vibes. I’m just over here on my blog and in the tag enjoying myself, feel free to detour around me. But oh my god, it’s so silly to try to tell other people that they shouldn’t like him because he has a static character arc.

I want to talk about stories. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to say, because it’s impossible to make broad, sweeping statements, because there are stories about change, there are stories about lack of change, there are all kinds of media that can be used to tell stories, and standards for how stories are told and what they emphasize vary across cultures and over time. But I think that what I can say is that telling a story requires... compromise. It requires streamlining. Trying to capture all the detail of life would slow down most stories to an unbearable degree. Consider organically telling someone ‘I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich’ versus the computer science exercise of having students describe, step by step, how to make one (spread peanut butter? but you never said you opened the lid)

Hell, I’ve got an example in mdzs itself. The largely-faceless masses of the common people. If someone asks you to think about it critically like, yes, obviously these are people, living their own lives, with their own desires, sometimes suffering and dying in the wake of the novel plot. But does the story give weight to those deaths? Or does it just gloss by? Yes, it references their suffering occasionally, but it is not the focus, and it would slow the story unbearably to give equal weight to each dead person mentioned. 

Does Wei Wuxian’s massacre get given the same slow, careful consideration as Su She’s, or Jin Guangyao’s? No, because taking the time to weigh our protagonist with ‘well, this one was a mother, and her youngest son had just started walking, but now he’s going to grow up without remembering her face. that one only became an adult a few months ago, he still hasn’t been on many night-hunts yet, but he finds it so rewarding to protect the common people. oh, and this one had just gotten engaged, but don’t worry, his fiancee won’t mourn him, because she died here as well.’ And continuing on that way to some large number under 3000? No! Unless your goal is to make the reader feel bad for cheering for a morally grey hero, that would be a bad authorial decision! The book doesn’t ignore the issue, it comes up, Wei Wuxian gets called out about all the deaths he’s responsible for, but that’s not the same as them being given equal emotional weight to one (1) secondary character, and I don’t love this new thing where people are pretending that’s equivalent.

When Wei Wuxian brutally kills every person at the Wen supervisory office, are you like ‘holy shit... so many grieving families D:’ or are you somewhere between vindicated satisfaction and an ‘ooh, yikes’ wince? Odds are good you’re somewhere in the satisfaction/wince camp, because that’s what the story sets you up to feel, because the story has to emphasize its priorities (priorities vary, but ‘plot’ and ‘protagonist’ are common ones, especially for a casual novel read like this)

Now, characters. If you want to write a story with a sweeping, epic scale, or if you want to tightly constrain the number of people your story is about, I guess it’s possible to give everyone involved a meaningful character arc. Now.... is it always necessary? Is it always possible? Does it always make sense? No, of course not. If you want to do that, you have to devote real estate to it, and depending on the story you want to tell, it could very possibly be a distraction from your main point, like the idea of mxtx tenderly eulogizing every single character who dies even incidentally. Lan Qiren doesn’t get a loving examination of his feelings re: his nephews and wei wuxian and political turnover in the cultivation world because it’s not relevant, and also, because his position is pretty static until right near the end of the story. Lan Xichen is arguably one of the most static characters within the book, he seems like the same nice young between Gusu and the present, right up until... just before the end of the story.

You may see where I’m heading with this.

Like, just imagine trying to demand that every important character needs to go through a major life change before the end of your book or else it didn’t count. This just in, Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg go through multiple novels without experiencing radical shifts in who they are, stop liking them immediately. I do get that the idea is that Jiang Cheng was a ~bad person~ who didn’t change, but asdgfsd I thought we were over the handwringing over people being allowed to like ““bad”” fictional characters. The man isn’t even a canonical serial killer, he’s not my most problematic fave even within this novel.

And here is where it’s a little more relevant that I would quibble with that original post about Jiang Cheng’s arc. He’s consistently a mean girl, but he goes from stressed, sharp-edged teenager, to grief-stricken, almost-destroyed teen, to grim, cold young adult (and then detours into grim, cold, and grief-stricken until grief dulls with time). He does become an attentive uncle tho. He..... doesn’t experience a radical change in his sense of self, which... it’s...... not all that strange for an adult. And bam, then he DOES experience a radical change, but the needs of the plot dictate that it’s right near the end. And he’s not the focus of the story, baby, wangxian is. He has the last few lines of the story, which nicely communicate his changes to me, but also asdfafas we’re out of story. He was never the main character, it’s not surprising we don’t linger! The extras aren’t beholden to the needs of plot, but they’re also about whatever mxtx wanted to write, and I guess she didn’t feel like writing about Jiang Cheng ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But also. Taking a step backward. Stable characters can fill a perfectly logical place in a story. Like, look at Leia Organa. I’m not saying she has no arc, but I am saying that she’s a solid point of reference as Luke is becoming a jedi and Han is adjusting his perspective. I wouldn’t call her stagnant, the vibes are wrong, but she also isn’t miserable in her sadness swamp, the way Jiang Cheng is.

Or, hell, look at tgcf. The stagnant, frozen nature of the big bad is a central feature of the story. The bwx of now is the bwx of 800 years ago is the bwx of 1500+ years ago. This is not the place for a meta on how that was bad for those around him and for him himself, but I have Thoughts about how being defeated at the end is both a thing that hurts him and relieves him. Mei Nianqing is a sympathetic character who’s also pretty darn static. Does Ling Wen have a character arc, or do we just learn more about who she already is and what her priorities always were? I’m going to cut myself off here, but a character’s delta between the beginning of a story and the end of a story is a reasonable way to judge how interesting writing character meta is, and is a very silly metric to judge their worth, and even if I guessed at what the basic logic is, for this character, I am still baffled that it’s being put forth as a real talking point.

(also, has it jumped ship to any other characters yet? have people started applying it in other fandoms as well? please let me know if this is the case, I am wildly curious)

(no, but really, if anyone is arguing that bwx is gross specifically because he had centuries to self-reflect and didn’t fix himself, i am desperate to know)

And finally. The thing I thought was most self-evident. Did I post about this sometime recently? If a non-central character experiences a life-altering paradigm shift right near the end of the story (without it being lingered over, because non-central character), oh my god. As a fic writer? IT’S FREE REAL ESTATE. This is the most fertile possible ground. If I want to write post-canon canon-compliant material, adsgasfasd that’s where I’m going to be looking. Okay, yeah, the main couple is happy, that’s good. Who isn’t happy, and what can I do about that? Happy families are all alike, while every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, etc.

It’s not everyone’s favorite playground, but come on, these are not uncommon feelings. And frankly, it’s starting to feel a little disingenuous when people act like fan authors pick out the most blameless angel from the cast and lavish good things upon them. I’m not the only one who goes looking for a good dumpster fire and says I Live Here Now. If I write post-canon tgcf fic, it’s very likely to focus on beef and/or leaf. I have written more than one au focusing on tianlang-jun.

And, hilariously. If the problem with Jiang Cheng. Is that he is a toxic man fictional character who failed to grow on his own, and is either unsafe or unhealthy to be around. If the problem is that he did not experience a character arc. If these people would be totally fine with other people liking him, if he improved himself as a person. And then, if authors want to put in the (free! time-consuming!) work of writing that character development themselves. You would think that they would be lauded for putting the character through healthier sorts of personal growth than he experienced in canon. Instead, I am still here writing this because first, I was bothered by these authors being named as “freaks” who are obsessed with their ‘uwu precious tsundere baby’ with a “love language of violence,” and then I was graciously informed that people hate Jiang Cheng because he experiences no character growth.

the wolfstar fandom and the problem of gender policing

To begin with: some gay men are femme, and that’s okay. Some are not, and that’s also okay. When someone is telling you that only a certain gender presentation is allowed from a fictional character, that’s not activism or advocacy; that’s gender policing. Even if you’re a woman or nonbinary person writing about cis gay men, it’s still gender policing—you are allowed to explore the full range of gender and sexuality in your own life and art. It’s easy to be taken in by statements on Tumblr about How To Write Good Queer Representation, because we want to be good people, and we understand that the language we use and the stories we tell are important. But our desire to be good people can be manipulated until we don’t recognize that we are participating in harmful behavior, or that we are being impacted by bullying.

If you’re in the Wolfstar fandom and you’re feeling alienated, lonely, confused, hurt, or angry because of things you’ve been hearing about what Sirius’ gender presentation “should” look like: you are not alone. There has been a longstanding problem in this fandom (for at least two years as of early 2021) with some vocal, active, popular fan writers telling other people how they should depict Sirius’ and Remus’—especially Sirius’—relationship to gender and sexuality. Generally, they suggest that depicting gay men as femme or feminine is homophobic. In particular, they say that writing/drawing Sirius as femme, feminine, flamboyant, short, “whiny,” or a sub or bottom is Bad. The logic is that because there’s a stereotype about gay men being feminine, all depictions of feminine gay men are homophobic. Because these voices are so loud and have such intense, aggressive support, it is easy to feel that you are Bad if you disagree with them, or to think that you’re alone in your disagreement. You’re not.

It’s important to recognize that this group of people is engaging in bullying. Not “wank,” not “discourse,” not “drama”—bullying. When you see them targeting other people’s work, it may seem like a petty personal dispute, or on the other hand like a legitimate conversation about gender and sexuality; it is neither. These folks are friendly, welcoming, and supportive right up until the moment someone disagrees with them—and then they attack that person and demand an apology. Because they use the language of social justice, and because they’re only antagonistic to people who question them openly, it’s easy to think they’re courageously protecting vulnerable people and standing up for what’s Right. But they aren’t. They are using their own identities and feelings to dictate how everyone else should behave while disregarding other people’s identities and feelings.

They claim that Sirius shouldn’t be written as “stereotypically gay” (i.e. feminine) because it hurts gay men; they claim that they are fighting homophobia. What they are really doing is gender policing. Awhile back, they started off by saying “Sirius shouldn’t always be feminine or always bottom in all fic.” Sure, true enough. But then it became “Sirius should never be feminine and never bottom.” And then it became “Sirius should never be short and whiny” (because those are apparently feminine traits). And now it seems to be “no one should ever depict cis gay men as feminine.” Allegedly because that’s “stereotyping,” but in practice this idea shames femme gay men, nonbinary femme folks, and any trans men who can’t or don’t want to present as masculine. It is gender policing disguised with social justice language.

Here are some red flags to look out for in the Wolfstar fandom—phrases that signal that you might be reading something that’s participating in gender policing, even if it doesn’t seem like it on the surface. They include:

“short, whiny Sirius”;

“let Sirius top”

“stereotypical gay man” (in the context of men being written as femme, not in the context of like…shitty mass media representation from the 90s)

“let men be men”

“women writing m/m” used in a derogatory way

and a couple that seem totally innocuous, even good, but mean something different in this context, like:

“being gay shouldn’t be your whole personality”

“topping or bottoming shouldn’t be your whole personality”

I’ve heard quite a few people talk about their feelings of isolation, confusion, self-doubt, frustration, and shame as a result of the bullying that’s been happening over the past few years in this fandom. Lots of people have left Wolfstar or Tumblr because of it. The good news is that a lot of Wolfstar folks are still out there: much of the fandom is flourishing on Discord, on Ao3, and in private messages. You can find your people! They’re the ones who actually listen respectfully to what you say, don’t shame you for mistakes or disagreements, and practice kindness and care.

And please look out for yourself. Try to recognize when your feelings of shame or guilt are a result of coming into contact with bullying and manipulation. Try not to accidentally spread transphobic and effeminophobic (anti-feminine) ideas and language; really think through what a post is saying before liking or reblogging it. And if you’re feeling hurt by what’s been said about gender expression within this fandom, know that you have lots of support and solidarity. We’re still around—we’re still around, and we love all your gender-related headcanons: we love a burly bearded biker Sirius; we love a five-feet-in-socks Sirius with a tendency towards dramatic temper tantrums; we love Sirius in lipstick and Sirius in crop tops and Sirius in ripped jeans. We love power bottom Sirius and ace Sirius and dom Sirius in high heels and Sirius who doesn’t care about how he has sex as long as it’s with Remus. We love Sirius who thinks being a trans man is the most important part of who he is and Sirius who thinks being a trans man is simply a basic fact of life. We love your fics and art and posts that explore your own weird complicated messy queer relationship to gender and sexuality. Of course we do. <3

(Also: I’ve got Big Anxiety and may or may not respond to comments on this post. I definitely will not respond to comments purposely misrepresenting my argument. I feel no particular need to defend myself; everyone can decide for themselves whether they think what I say is valid, and if I’m silent in response to criticism it’s not because I can’t think of a solid response—it’s because I don’t think responding is going to help myself or anyone else have a better experience on Tumblr and in this fandom. I’ll try to answer genuine, in-good-faith questions if I have the wherewithal to do so, and if you want to just message me and chat or say hi or share headcanons, I’d love that!)

I'll Love You 'Til I Die

Masterlist | Playlist

Summary: A Brooklyn schoolgirl fell in love with James Buchanan Barnes at the tender age of nine. With this love she made a vow, promising to love him until her very last breath.

Pairing: Bucky x OFC

Warnings: Language, pining

Word Count: 2.1k

Author's Note: Thank you for all the patience and support! I love love love seeing replies and reblogs :,)

Chapter Twenty-Three: The Journey to Azzano

October 24, 1943

Yet another sleepless night. A night spent away from the nurse’s tent, handkerchief in hand, with eyes cast towards the heavens. The stars stared back, silent watchers from above; the petrified audience to a grotesque display of gore, violence, and inhumanity. Lottie knew that they were nothing but balls of gas, great masses of fire that drifted in that infinite chasm of space millions of lightyears away. Somehow, her heart still broke for them.

How painful it must be to be a star, she thought, To see the Earth, to see its people, to see the love and hope. To be forced to watch its destruction, its pain. Oh, how the stars must weep, gazing down at the broken bodies of men and boys, women and children, all victims of such a cruel war.

Still, the pain of a star could never come close to the pain of a nurse. The stars would never hold those bodies in their arms, they would never fumble for a tourniquet as blood spilled from a fresh wound, the stars would never have to slide a man’s eyelids shut, his skin cold to the touch.

Lottie was becoming quickly acclimated to the smell and feel of death. It never seemed to leave her skin, no matter how thoroughly she washed her hands. Though they were constantly rubbed raw, she could not rid them of death’s stench or its thick grime that seemed to coat every inch of her skin.

After they’d left Pantelleria, the SSR had scrambled to stay afloat, constantly caught in the crossfire of other Italian campaigns. The Germans had weaseled their way into northern and central Italy, with carnage in their wake, the nurses of the SSR were left to care for their victims. Lottie had come to know death as intimately as one knows the curves of their lover’s body, all the dimples, ridges, and edges.

“No number of bandages would’ve saved him, Lottie,” Gladys would whisper, “We’re nurses, not miracle-workers.”

“If I remember correctly, folks at the SSR sure love to rant about that ‘miraculous’ serum we developed.” “Betty, you know what I mean.”

Lottie wished she could be a miracle worker. The men that she managed to save definitely thought she was, but who wouldn’t think so highly of the woman who saved them from certain death? It would have been a comfort to visit them in the recovery ward, but the SSR would whisk them away, further north and closer to Hydra before she had the chance.

The SSR found themselves in Siano, a village an afternoon’s trek away from Salerno. At another time, it would be quite lovely. The quiet little community was nestled between small mountains, far too grand and looming to be called hills. The greenery was lush and the air was crisp, mingled with the saltiness from the nearby sea. A cool, sweet breeze kissed Lottie’s cheeks and became entangled in her curls that had finally been loosed from her strict bun. With every graze of the breeze against her cheeks and every rustle of the grasses beside her, it seemed that the very earth was breathing beneath her. Every movement was a great inhale or exhale that emanated around her; the only calming element to an otherwise restless night.

Their camp was just outside the town, stationed in an expansive field which was quite likely an abandoned pasture. Camp had been sloppily thrown together, after a horrifically bloody day in Salerno, morale was low and they knew their stay would be short-lived. Agent Carter had mentioned that they were urgently needed in Azzano; there was a POW situation up there that involved Hydra. Their stop in Siano, as Colonel Phillips had explained, was merely for recuperation. With a day of bloodshed behind them and several days’ worth of traveling ahead of them, rest was needed by all.

But she couldn’t really rest, could she? Lottie would always be on edge, on high alert, until she had her boys by her side once more. At every camp, in every campaign, she searched for the 107th. For any sign of a USO show. So far, she had come up with nothing. Nothing but disappointment.

All that she could do was gaze up at the stars and wonder if a pair of clear blue eyes were doing the same.

Somewhere in Azzano

Liquid fire in his veins. Muttered words in German. Leather straps that dug into his skin; they kept him from writhing in pain. Days bled together and he could barely find the willpower to stay conscious, blurring the lines between his dreams and reality.

Bucky didn’t know where he was. He didn’t know what was going on, either. All he knew was agony, frustration, and a girl. His best girl, Little Lottie. The first time he’d seen her, he was sure that she was real. He had just undergone the first round of… whatever this was, and all of a sudden, she’d appeared before him, dressed just as she’d been when he last saw her— white uniform, thick stockings, and a heavy coat that seemed to swallow her whole.

He’d tried to yell at her, warn her about how dangerous this place was, but he could only muster a choked groan which had earned him a blow to the head. After that, she kept appearing— every time he was poked or prodded at, she stood in the corner of the room and watched over him with a smile on her lips. His head would loll to the side with exhaustion and their gazes would connect; it was the only glimmer of hope in the midst of his torture.

His Little Lottie would only speak to him in his dreams, but she wouldn’t speak, really. No, she’d do this thing he’d seen her do to Stevie hundreds of times when he was sick in bed. With gentle hands, she would smooth his hair away from his forehead, freeing the sweaty, bloodied strands that clung to his skin. She quieted his groans of pain with soft sounds and breathy hums of her favorite songs— mostly from the musicals they had gone to see in the thirties. Little Lottie was fondest of numbers by the Gershwin brothers, he’d noticed, as she was always humming one of their tunes in his dreams.

Any anger toward her was forgotten, but the fear remained. Fear for her safety devoured him from the inside out; if Hydra ever got their hands on her, there would be hell to pay.

Siano, the next day

“Y’know if you’re gonna make a habit of this, I might as well take your pillow for myself.”

Lottie blinked her eyes blearily, taking in the figure of Betty before her. Apparently, she’d fallen asleep outside. Again. The first time it had happened, they’d been camped out in Salerno and while her companions had gone to bed earlier, she’d attempted to calm her nerves with a midnight cigarette. Suffice to say, the cigarette had done its job, though she’d woken up with a terrible pain in her neck.

This time, the pain was located in Lottie’s lower back, probably due to the uneven ground she’d fallen asleep on.

“Believe me, Betty, I don’t intend to make this a habit,” Lottie gritted her teeth in pain as she attempted to maneuver herself off of the ground.

Betty sighed and grabbed her hands, heaving her up, “C’mon, we don’t have all day. Colonel Phillips wants the tents down as soon as possible.” She jerked her head in the direction of the other three nurses a few yards away, they were evidently having a difficult time with the canvas and poles of their tent.

The two of them rejoined their group and Gladys tossed a pack to her with a smile, “Your stuff’s all good to go. Figured you needed the extra sleep.” Lottie squeezed her shoulder in thanks and observed Nancy and Mary as they argued over the correct way to pack up their tent.

“First we need to disassemble the poles, then we wrap up the canvas and—”

“No, we need to take care of the canvas before we can—”

Agent Carter stalked toward them with a rather agitated look on her face; only she could look powerful crossing an uneven field in heels. Lottie bundled up some poles in her arms, trying to stow them away in a pack before they could be berated for being the last ones to finish.

“Ladies,” Agent Carter began, voice firm, “You did not go through a year of training just to be the last ones done packing up your tent. We need more speed from you five to reach the one hundred and seventh in time.”

Lottie nearly dropped the metal poles in her arms and choked out a gasp, “The one hundred and seventh?” That was the regiment with the POWs? The POWs that had fallen victim to Hydra? Her heart was suddenly beating a mile a minute, her stomach was all in knots.

Agent Carter furrowed her brow, likely confused by her reaction, “Yes, they were vastly overpowered in a recent battle. We’ve been summoned to provide medical care to the survivors as well as to assist in a reconnaissance mission for information regarding the whereabouts of the POWs.”

She was tempted to ask about Bucky, to see if she’d heard anything about their survivors, but she ultimately decided against it. It was unlikely that they already had extensive knowledge regarding those who had been saved or lost.

“We’ll be done in a jiffy, Agent Carter,” Nancy nodded, removing the poles from Lottie’s grasp.

After another minute or two, their tent was packed away, and each nurse was outfitted with a hefty pack that carried their belongings. Together, the nurses and the rest of the SSR agents began their trek through the Italian countryside, keeping close in their groupings. It would have been far easier to be transported by plane, but the agents had to take as much caution as possible with Hydra's threat level. If traveling by foot kept the lowest profile, then that was what needed to be done.

Lottie’s four companions broke out into quiet conversation to pass the time while fearful thoughts weaseled their way into her mind. What if Bucky really had been taken by Hydra? What would they do to him? Would they kill him? She’d heard of their horrors from Erskine, and she’d even seen their ruthlessness at his assassination. The dark thoughts that began to swim around in her head made her want to be sick. Lottie wanted to double over and retch, to alleviate the sick feeling that crept into her at the thought of Bucky in Hydra’s clutches.

“You alright there, Lottie? You’ve been awfully quiet,” Gladys sidled over to where she was walking, only a foot or two away from the rest.

“I don’t think so,” Lottie began, her voice strained, “I mean, with the one hundred and seventh and everything, I just, I don’t know how to—”

Gladys nodded, a sad look on her face, “I know, it’s a dreadful situation, isn’t it? I can’t imagine how those survivors must feel. Having your comrades stolen away from you in a bloody battle.”

“It’s not just that, it’s also—”

“Oh yes, definitely more than that. Not only the mental anguish but the physical, too. I mean, we’re here for a reason, we’ve got to be prepared for the worst when we get there. I’ve heard they’re in absolute shambles.”

Lottie fisted her hands in frustration, “Gladys. Bucky’s a member of the one hundred and seventh. That’s his damn regiment. And I haven’t a clue of whether he’s dead, alive, or barely holding on in some dingy cell, so I would really appreciate it if you would spare me the monologue about how terrible their situation is.”

Gladys stared at her, a look of shock painted on her face, “Lottie, I’m sorry, I didn’t know, I— gosh, I feel absolutely awful now, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Lottie grabbed Gladys’ hand to squeeze it, their arms knocked together as they walked side by side, “I just need to think optimistically right now. If I start thinking about all the atrocities, I might go crazy.”

Gladys squeezed back, a faint smile growing on her lips, “You’re right. Think optimistically. I bet he got out of it just fine, with a few scratches though. But he’ll be waiting for us real patiently, waiting for the fine nurses of the SSR to patch him right up.”

She found comfort in Gladys’ words. It was much nicer to picture him that way, sitting in a medic tent cot, wounds scabbed over in blood, with a cigarette hanging from his mouth. Maybe he'd be cracking jokes with the other poor souls stuck in that tent, his eyes alight with humor and that lopsided grin threatening to send that cigarette straight to the ground. He would be a bit battered and bruised, but he’d be there waiting. Waiting for her.

About  me

Thanks for the tag @berryconfetti​

Why did you choose your url?

I use Rose consistently in my online spaces, I like musicals and for some reason my brain got stuck on “Moses Supposes (his toeses are roses)” from Singin in the Rain, and even though it’s hella long... I cba to change it. It started out as “many things” coz it wasn’t just sims then.

Any side blogs? If you have them name them and why you have them.

@poisongardensims - home of my poison garden challenge

@rosessupposesreplies - a hangover from when tumblr got rid of the reply function back in the 10s and we had to reblog to say nice things to each other. Now I reblog cc I’m gonna download to it

@colourcaste​ - a ((currently abandoned) TS3 dystopian story that I rebuilt an entire neighbourhood for. Apparently my love for complex dark stories is bigger than any sims iteration!

How long have you been on tumblr?

According to my first post, since October 2014! I was active through 2016 with TS3, then someone here introduced me to the X Files and I defected in a big way to a moderately successful fic writing blog, lurked 2019-21 and restarted here a few months back. Check under the cut for the terrifying pic from my first ever Sims post

Do you have a queue tag?

Not anymore

Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Having just done a forensic dive, seems I did it to rant about a friend writer being trolled in comments until she was driven off writing completely (I had a sims legacy on blogspot from early 2014) and created this blog to respond to the drama! Then it became a place to tell stories and I attempted my first and only 100 baby challenge (I only made it to 6 kids)

Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

I just updated it - it was my Bachelorette sim from my 7 Deadly Sins BC that I did in 2016 and as I’m now mostly TS4 I changed it to Halcy who is my current colourful fav

Why did you choose your header?  It is a house I built that I found a picture of when taking down my TS3 wedding shoot as above :D

What’s your post with the most notes? These surf shack TS3 cc posters I made. Of my reboot, almost certainly the Poison Garden TS4 rules

How many mutuals do you have? No idea? I follow most people who follow me because community is cool and the more the merrier.

How many followers do you have? About 500 but it’s totally meaningless, between the bots, the blog being 8 years old and my very patchy posting I’m just to still be here

How many people do you follow? 495 - but always room for more. Should probably clear out some very old inactives but if I can crawl back after 6 years, anyone can :D

Have you ever made a shitpost? Definitely. 

How often do you use tumblr each day? 0-22 times

Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won? I don’t have arguments, but if you are a dick to me or my friends I will say my piece and block your ass. I have experienced true drama (I was doxxed) in another fandom and once was enough thank you

How do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts: Unless mass posting it’s literally going to literally deflect an asteroid from impacting the earth, it’s a no from me. We never know how a person is doing. Some days people need safe spaces to look at pics of dogs and protect their mental health, they shouldn’t feel stressed or shamed into activism in these moments. My sister is fond of saying “rest is resistance” - bringing capitalist ideas about relentless productivity and constant consumption into your activism is counterproductive,. Rest when you need to so you can fight when you have to. 

Do you like tag games?

Yes but I forget to do them

Do you like ask games?

I usually answer privately but sure

Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

No idea - I once got recognised at a convention off my fic tumblr and that was by far the weirdest thang to have happened in my life. 

Do you have a crush on a mutual? I never have crushes but I do love everyone a lot

Tagging anyone who feels like doing it!

City of Love – Ch. 14

It only took me 8 months, but I finally got this Valentine's Day gift wrapped up! Thank you so much to everyone who's been reading and for all the likes and reblogs! It's been very much appreciated and often kept me going on this fun little story. Hope you all had as much fun following along as I did 😊

Luka and Marinette go find Sass and Tikki and find them in a precarious situation.

Read on Ao3 

First Chapter | Previous Chapter

“We should…” Marinette started, breaking away from Luka’s lips reluctantly. She didn’t know how much time had passed, but by the looks of his tousled hair and flushed lips and the marks on his neck they’d been there for a while. He looked dazed as he blinked back to where they were before his eyes focused on her again. 

He hummed to show her he was listening, then dipped his head to press his forehead to hers. 

“We should maybe… get back,” she finished, biting her lip. He sighed heavily and nodded against her. 

“We should,” he agreed, and squeezed her to him one more time before he pulled away entirely to run his hands through his hair. She had to giggle as it stayed stuck up in the back and instead focused on fixing his shirt that’d gotten rucked up at some point. As she tugged it back into place and smoothed it over his stomach he let out a strangled groan and caught her hands, taking them off him and placing them back at her sides. 

“Not helping me want to go back,” he explained breathlessly. His thumb stroked against hers in what seemed like an unconscious movement as his eyes roamed over her and caught somewhere around her waist. When she looked down to follow his gaze, she noticed some of the ties on her side had managed to come undone. She blushed and reached over to knot them again. 

“Do you think they got it worked out?” she asked, more to distract herself than anything else. 

It took Luka longer to answer than she expected and she looked back up to find him still frozen, watching her. But he cleared his throat when he noticed she was waiting for an answer. “No, probably not,” he said finally. “Or at least, not everything.” 

She frowned without meaning to, her worry for Tikki clearing the haze that kissing Luka had left her in. Maybe she shouldn’t have left with Luka. Maybe she should’ve stayed and kept an eye on things. Maybe—

“Hey.” Luka interrupted her spiraling thoughts by cupping her cheek in his hand. “We gave them the time alone they needed. The rest was up to them.” He smiled and pulled her in close to kiss the crease in her forehead, which instantly cleared. He kept her close and wrapped his arm around her shoulders so she could nestle into his side before he led the way back inside. 

But once they were back inside, an issue became readily apparent. The club was far more packed than when they left. The music had switched to a DJ and while it was great dance music, it was too loud to communicate anything, and the UV lights had been turned on and in the mass of bodies it would be impossible to find anyone. 

Before she could panic too much, she reminded herself that Tikki had her phone on her. But when she pulled her own phone out to send a text, she found one from Tikki that she’d missed while she’d been… occupied with Luka. 

T: Out front talking with Sass. 

Her breath came out of her in a relieved whoosh and she showed Luka the text. He nodded and they went back out the door they’d just come in, intending to circle the building rather than work their way through the dense crowd. 

Marinette couldn’t help worrying at the knots at her side as they walked. Talking was good, right? They definitely needed to, after all the revelations and drama. At the very least, maybe they could work out a game plan. Or maybe they were breaking up after all. She bit her lip as they rounded the corner, not knowing exactly what to expect, but Luka pulled her back a half-step as soon as they did. 

“Attends,” he whispered, gesturing with his head to the scene in front of the building. When she swiveled her head to look, she found Tikki and Sass standing together under a lamppost. It was too far away to tell, but it looked like Tikki was crying? She was covering her mouth with both her hands, so Marinette couldn’t tell if it was good or bad, but when she went to take another step forward, Luka held her fast and put a finger to his lips, gesturing with his head that she should watch. 

When she followed his direction, she saw Sass take a small box out of his pocket and open it, offering the flash of gold inside to Tikki. 

***

Marinette twined her fingers through his as they watched, waiting for Tikki’s answer. 

“Is this how you felt?” she whispered, her voice trembling, her hand tightening around his. When he glanced down, her other hand was at her lips, with one fingernail in between her teeth. He pulled it out gently and ran his thumb across her lips before he looked back to their friends. Neither one of them had moved, although it looked like Sass was saying something again. 

“No,” he admitted, “it was much worse.” 

You’ll understand, Sass had said, when you propose to Marinette. 

And he did. The sweating, the shaking hands, the racing heartbeat, all of it was nothing compared to holding your entire heart in your hand and offering it to someone with every right to refuse it. He’d been so sure Tikki would say yes. But after everything, there was more than a healthy amount of doubt. This could go either way. 

She was talking now, and Sass was hanging onto every word, nodding occasionally. He didn’t look chastised like he had before when Tikki was tearing into him. Maybe that was a good sign. 

“Do you still have mine?” Marinette asked, taking a step closer to him and wrapping her arm around his waist. He chuckled and shifted his grip to her shoulders to squeeze her to him. 

“Ready and waiting.” 

When Tikki finally—finally—nodded, and Sass fumbled to get the ring out of the box and slip it on her finger, Luka let out a long, slow breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. 

“We didn’t see anything, right?” He leaned down to murmur to Marinette. 

“See what?” She smirked up at him as she answered him, and they started walking as if they hadn’t stopped, Marinette practically vibrating beside him in excitement. He stifled a laugh and shouted out a greeting to Sass, who jolted away from Tikki like he’d been caught at something. He had, but there was no reason he needed to know that. Tikki looked up at them, her eyes still dazed, and held up her left hand for Marinette to see. 

To her credit, Marinette reacted beautifully, letting out an ear-splitting squeal like she never expected this in a million years and running to Tikki to grab her hand and twist it every which way, admiring the ring. Luka leaned casually on Sass’s shoulder as they both watched their girls celebrating.

“How’d you pull that off?” Luka asked quietly. Sass shot him a sideways glance and shrugged. 

“I pulled a Couffaine. Just let it fall out of my mouth.” 

Luka couldn’t help grinning. “Effective method, that.” 

Sass only nodded to agree.  There was a brief silence between them as a cool Parisian breeze swept over them all.

“We’re going to see my parents,” Sass said after another moment. “When Tikki’s semester is over. We talked about it and decided we’d have more of an argument if we were already engaged.” 

Luka hummed in agreement, and then the girls were bouncing over to them, talking excitedly over each other and already deep in planning mode. Marinette was offering to make a veil for her, and Tikki was saying there had to be chocolate there, and they were both giggling so much it made both Sass and Luka smile involuntarily. 

All of a sudden, Marinette gasped and grabbed onto Luka’s arm. “Maybe we could do a double wedding when they come back! Here in Paris! It’ll be perfect, won’t it, Luka? What better way to celebrate the way we all came together?” 

For a moment, Luka was stunned, looking down at Marinette’s shining blue eyes and her bright smile. But then he relaxed and pulled her close, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips. “I think it’s a great idea,” he answered her. “No better place for a double wedding than our very own city of love.”   

Hi I hope you don't mind but I have no tma friends so like

One of my theories a while was that Martin would become Avatar of the Extinction. The idea was that alot of different powers have either marked him the same way they did Jon or directly said he would be a good fit for them (like that post you reblogged talking about Lonely and Web)

So I thought it would be cool if, in parallel to the Watcher's Crown only succeeding because Jon was touched by all powers, Martin would be the one to end him and all of the powers, in what would essentially be their extinction event. Therefore, avatar of the Extinction.

Which yknow, I feel like debatably still holds some water post finale. I'll always be a lil disappointed that it kinda feels thst the extinction subplot got dropped, or at least was just a red herring

Yeah I think the Extinction subplot was mostly a red herring. I mean, Peter Lukas wasn’t lying insofar as he really was trying to stop the world ending, but it was Elias/Jonah he was trying to stop, not the Extinction.

And there’s pretty good hints of this all the way through, like, I just re-listened to MAG 138: The Architecture of Fear, and I’m struck by the fact that Smirke was having a vision of the Eyepocalypse.

From the statement:

“I stop, and look up at the sky, that empty black nothing, and I see the edges of the horizon becoming a dull white. I cannot understand what I am looking at.

And then the sky blinks.”

This fits with later statements after MAG 160 that “the sky is looking back at us” and so on. So my feeling here is that the Extinction as a storytelling device was sort of preparing us for the Eyepocalypse, for “hey the world’s going to end and it’ll be our fault.”

It’s a shame though, because as my URL might suggest... I’m really, really into apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic fiction. I have whole complex ideas for a TMA/Mass Effect crossover in which Shepard winds up being a future avatar of the Extinction, or the Reapers are a byproduct of an attempt to summon the Extinction, or both. (The Illusive Man usually ends up an avatar of the Eye, because weird eyes and also surveillance.)

But that’s crossover and fic, it’s not remotely canon. And in canon, well... yeah. I’m grateful the Extinction, as my favorite Fear, wound up getting its own domain and is on the merch--my Magnus Archives tea mug is a Fifteen Fears one, even! But I feel like it doesn’t get its due.

Seriously the Extinction is my favorite Fear and by favorite I mean “I am terrified of you and yet I also get you send help” in that Manuela Dominguez sort of way. Maybe it’s because I’m a descendant of an actual Corruption-driven apocalyptic event (I’m part Native American and my ancestors survived the smallpox waves that swept through), and maybe because I live in the shadow of volcanoes and earthquakes out here in Washington State and they feel a lot more Extinction than Buried, to me. Maybe it’s because the god I worship is supposed to lead the Jotuns at Ragnarok and all. (>.>) I dunno. But it resonates, and I’ve long been like “Awww c’mon just the one Domain?? How many Lonely Domains are we getting?!?!” So I feel you, on the disappointment.

As for Martin being an Extinction avatar! I love this idea! Insofar as he’s really an avatar of anything. And it does track in the sense that really what they did just continues the cycle, passes the Fears on to other worlds, and thus both ends them and changes them.

My theory is adjacent: in the same way Jon became the next Gertrude (narrowly missing being the next Elias, evidently), Martin became the next Adelard Dekker. I feel like, if the Change hadn’t happened, Martin could definitely have been the kind of guy who’d have run around studying this stuff without falling to it, would have been binding monsters to Web Tables and saving people without becoming a Hunter, and so on. And in the end, as Dekker gave up his life to save a town despite his life’s work (the Exctinction theory) maybe not holding water, Martin gives up what matters most to him to save the world.

Basically I want an AU where Martin gets to be his always-prepared monster-fighting self without the filter that makes half the fandom think he’s some kind of soft boy. (He’s really not. He’s the one encouraging Jon to smite things, guys.)

Also more Extinction yesgood.

And you have a TMA friend now! :D :D :D

Breaking the news..

Masterlist

Rumors and Affairs Chapter List

// This is an update of  What was she thinking?! 

Cinder’s Perspective: 

She decided to go through the articles. Most of them were dated from when she had escaped out of prison with Thorne. They said how Cinder had run away with her ‘lover’ criminal Thorne. She cringed on the word lover. The more recent ones were about her and Thorne at the Ball. After reading many such articles, she came across the article that was the root cause of all the rumors. It had the picture of her and Thorne standing outside the hall while the ball was going on. He had brought her outside to tell her about how he was going to propose to Cress and Cinder had become so happy to see how far her best friend had come. She had hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. Being pregnant had made her super emotional; she could have a headache or laugh over the silliest thing. The media captured this specific affectionate moment between the two and right now she wanted to kill herself for her idiosyncrasies. She was just hugging Thorne why did they have to make such a fuss about this. Well after reading the entire article she came to realize that the media had misinterpreted the scene between the two. They had thought that the two were meeting outside to have a word without the Emperor catching them and it became a bit affectionate but Empress Selene restrained herself in the fear of getting caught.

Cinder recalled how she had confined Thorne that she was literally more scared of doing childbirth than leading the lunar revolution and he had assured her in a rather affectionate way, where he did hold both of their hands on her swollen stomach. The media had definitely misinterpreted and made a fuss about it. Plus Thorne was known for his flirty personality all over the world and also Luna.

All such times she hated how the press and mass media could not have any restrictions and limitations. Stars, they should not publish stuff that they did not have a clue about.

She was having a strong headache meaning that if she had tear ducts she would be crying now or maybe she was just having a headache from frustration. Either way it was not good for her or the baby. Last month they had a riot outside the palace gate about her cyborg-ness. The hatred towards Cinder had been high time since Kai and she had announced that they have been expecting an heir soon. Kai did his best to make her feel better but she was so insecure in moments like these. After all she had received this hate since she was 11. Memories don’t fade easily, especially bad ones.

She was walking in the gardens when the whole incident had happened. The riots were peaceful but Kai and Torin were all shaken up. It looked like they had been expecting this sometime sooner or later. Well saying that Cinder was not expecting this would be a lie for she had so many nightmares about her being close to a crowd and then a riot would start where she and the baby would be harmed in some way or the other.

Cinder herself had taken so much effort to remove cyborg prejudice. Even then she had to suffer through first hand cyborg hate taking in consideration that she was the Empress of the Eastern Commonwealth.

That’s when she saw it. It was Kai. He had commed her. In a normal and peaceful situation she would be happy and bubbly(I know I just made a reference) to see him but now that the situation was anything but calm and normal. She wanted to not pick his call. Not receiving his comm won’t help her though. So she gave in.

“Hey! You took a lot of time to pick up the comm, were you sleeping?”

Seeing him in front of her eyes she just wanted to hug him and let him whisper to her that everything was fine-

“Hail to Cinder! Are you there?”

“Yeah! Why?”

“Well respond so that I can understand”

“When are you coming back?”

“Oh! I see you were so lost in thinking about me that you forgot to realize that your dear husband Kai is there in front of you! Tell me Cinder, Am I wrong? Did you spend all your time thinking about me then?”

“Don’t flatter yourself Emperor. It does not suit you well.” Technically she had been thinking about him all the time but pregnancy had not made her lose her mind so far so she would not blurt out about how she was day-dreaming about her husband.

“C’mon Cinder why can’t you just accept that you missed me?  I do it all the time.”

“Okay Kai. Tell me when are you returning now?”

“I will be there in New Beijing besides you till tomorrow afternoon. I would have left tonight but Queen Camilla invited us to dinner at the royal palace. I don’t want to go-”

“What? You will be coming tomorrow?” she screamed, maybe.

“I thought you would be sad to know that I am delaying my flight because of some stupid dinner.”

“No Kai, it is not like that. Well I certainly do miss you and am happy that you will be there here tomorrow. Stars, it has been difficult without you here but I thought you had yet a week to come and stars above I have so much stuff to do and things to fix. I just don’t have the time to do it before you get back I can’t believe I am running late on my schedule Kai I want-”

“Calm down Cinder. I had asked you to do nothing if you remembered. Plus Torin told me.”

Cinder had covered her face with her hands. She peeked at him a bit scared of his reaction. Why the hell was he being good and not yelling at her if Torin had already told him?!

“What did Torin tell you?”

“Why? Is it problematic that my advisor tells me all about you?”

“That’s not the point Kai. What did he tell you?”

“Nothin’ just how you over-work yourself and do not rest well and keep zoning out between conversations. You really do get hopeless without me.”

“Oh! That’s what Torin told you. Thank goodness”

“Why? Was there something else?”

“NO! Nothing else…. for now at least- I can’t ...I don’t know” why couldn’t she lie towards Kai as easily as she did with the others. It felt like Kai could just look through her soul and realize the truth.

“What happened Cinder? Are you okay? Is the baby okay? Did something happen to you? Did Dr.Nandez say something about the pregnancy? Cinder tell me! ” He looked desperate and all the worst possible scenarios were running through his mind now. She could tell it.

“Kai, I am fine. The baby is fine. Everyone is fine. Well not everyone because Torin and I are all panicked because I did some mistake and screwed up big time….” she trailed.

“Oh! Only that much. Well I thought something happened to you and the baby.”

He sighed before continuing, “What did you do?”

“Well it’s related to the baby. In the head staff meeting I said something that made the entire Thorne-Cinder affair rumors worse.”

“Oh.” he had not expected that.

“Can you brief me about it if it is okay for you or should I ask Torin?”

“Well I kind of blurted out that the rumors about me and Thorne are true while I was zoning out and although I tried to assure them I don’t think that they are much convinced. Shit. I screwed up Kai.”

His eyes had definitely widened. Cinder could tell that without looking. He was trying his best to remain calm but she wanted him to talk. Bloody hell she wanted him to talk now. She was a mess on the inside. Thankfully there were no new rumors about her and Thorne or any news about today’s meeting on her newsfeed yet.

There was an unwanted and suffocating silence between the two of us.

“Well you did screw up big time Cinder but it's okay. Do they know that I know about these rumors?”

“I don’t know. Mostly likely not because I think usually courting outside of marriages are to kept a secret.

“Cinder please.” She should not use sarcasm in situations like these. She nodded and whispered a sorry.

“What should we do?” she asked again trying to take a hold over this bizarre situation.

“You really cannot do anything anymore. Whatever you say will not be given much importance and most likely be doubted so you would only give a single official statement in my presence when I return. For the rest, I will come up with a plan with Torin’s help.”

“Kai stop fighting my battles. You already have done enough by not kicking me out okay. I should take responsibility of my mistakes-”

”It’s okay Cinder. Everything is okay. You and I know that we are madly in love with each other. That’s all that I care about. You would no longer over work yourself. I guess you should stop holding meetings for time being as well, you know as a precaution.” he said the last part teasingly but yet I felt disheartened.

I was glaring at him but then the rumors about our child’s parentage hit me like some train. I could not tell Kai this. He would surely be disappointed. He would be heart-broken.

What should I tell him huh- Hey Kai! The media thinks that the child I am carrying is Thorne’s and not yours. Lol, but you know the truth right?

Sue me.

“There is something more Kai.”

“What?” he asked a bit concerned, a furrowed brow forming.

“They questioned about our baby’s parentage as well”

Upon hearing this he really looked so sad. His face had fallen and he avoided looking at her.

She heard some commotion from his side.

“Cinder I have to go. I am sorry we will talk later. I will figure it out with Torin’s help. Bye. Take care.” He was croaking. Cinder had a headache coming as well.

Before she could reply, he had ended the comm.

Glancing at her net-screen Cinder sighed. There was no news about today’s meeting anywhere. Torin might have done his miracles on the staff again.

__

A/N: I am thinking about a good damage control idea, so it might take a while. Needless to say, There is more!

( I also have an another Kaider fic named ‘ Nightmares’, if you like Kaider fluff you can check it out!!  🖤 )

Likes, Reblogs and Comments will be much loved!  🖤

P.S Can you suggest some baby names for Kaider child, both the gender please.