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itsdanii · 3 years

Note

I really love your “rejecting and regretting” drabbles and I would love to request one with Suna and Iwaizumi please

Rejecting you and regretting it pt. 3

hey, bub. thanks for requesting! im so glad you're liking my works ♥️ was supposed to post this yesterday but i had an appointment with my psychologist so sorry for the slight delay. that being said, here's your request for iwaizumi and suna. i hope you like it♥️

genre: slight angst to fluff, slight crack

warnings: cursing, rude behavior (resolved), please do message me if i forgot any

ft. suna rintaro, oikawa!reader x iwaizumi hajime

title says it all.

Suna Rintaro

out of all the inarizaki boys, suna rintaro was the one who managed to pique your interest

at first, you thought that he was the most quiet amongst the group but the longer you stayed as a manager, the more you realized how wrong you were

In fact, suna is one of the most talkative, along with the miya twins

you even felt bad sometimes for kita for having to discipline the three as if they were his own kids

one day, you suddenly realized that you were falling for the middle blocker

you knew that it was not a good practice to fall for someone in a team you manage but it's not like you can control who you fall for, right?

and so, you made a decision to confess to him

"Oi, y/n! What's that yer holding?"

You squeaked upon being called by Atsumu and quickly hid the cake you were holding behind your back. Smiling awkwardly, you made your way to him and placed the cake on top of the table.

It was currently lunch time and as a usual routine, you, Osamu, Atsumu and Rin were meeting at your spot just near the gym to eat.

"Can you atleast lower your voice? The moment the others see this cake, it'll be gone in a snap of a finger," you scolded at him.

"Cake? What's it for?" As if a light suddenly appeared on top of Atsumu's head, he took the box and opened it with sparkling eyes. "Looks good!"

"No, wait!"

Your lips parted as you watched him take the fork that you put inside and sliced a piece for himself. He even let out a small moan of satisfaction as the taste of the cake filled his mouth.

"That...was for Rin," you said with a tiny voice, making Atsumu raise an eyebrow at you.

"Suna? Why are ya givin' him a cake?" Noticing the way you failed to answer, a grin started forming on Atsumu's lips as the realization came into him. "Holy shit, ya like him!"

"Like who?"

You and Atsumu both froze at the sound of Suna's voice. Swallowing the lump forming in your throat, you slowly turned around to face Suna who was now frowning at you.

"Rin-chan..." you said slowly.

Suna and Osamu both took their seats, Osamu sitting beside Atsumu and Suna sitting beside you.

"Y/n likes someone?" Osamu asked and took the fork to taste the cake you made, his face lightening up as it somehow reached his standards.

Being the goofy one, Atsumu nodded with a grin. He spared Suna a quick glance before wiggling his eyebrows at you playfully. "Mhm. The one they like is actually a part of the volleyball team. Any guess, Rin-chan?"

Despite the nervousness you're feeling, you managed to roll your eyes at Atsumu as he tried imitating the way you call Suna.

Suna just shrugged his shoulders, looking almost unbothered if not for the fact that he was gripping his chopsticks a little too tightly. "Don't know, don't care."

You felt your confidence drop a little at his lack of enthusiasm. "Aren't you even just a bit curious?" you asked, hoping to get a reaction out of him.

"No, why would I be? It's not like it's any of my business. You can like whoever you want to like. It's not like I give a damn about it," Suna simply answered.

The small hope inside you that you gathered throughout the whole week just to confess completely vanished, replaced with doubt and sudden insecurity. The way he said those words seemed as if he doesn't care about you at all and the fact that he said it in front of the twins made it even worse. You felt humiliated.

You glanced at Atsumu for help and the setter just sighed before sliding the box of the now half eaten cake to Suna. "Didn't have to be so rude 'bout it, Rin. Taste the cake. Maybe it'll change yer mind and make ya realize how dense ya are."

Suna just glared at him and took a bite, his eyes darting towards your figure. "Were you supposed to give this cake to the person you like?"

Seeing you nod, Suna rolled his eyes. "I don't think it's a good idea. It tastes like shit, I'm sure the guy would reject you the moment he takes a bite."

Your heart dropped at what he said. Not only did he say that your cooking was bad but also rejected you without saying it directly. The moment you felt your eyes tearing up, you immediately stood up and left the table, ignoring the continues yells of a certain miya.

Suna stared at your back before frowning at Atsumu. "What's up their ass? I just said it didn't taste good is all. They didn't have to be sensitive." Contrary to his words, Suna grabbed the fork and continued eating the cake.

"They made the cake for ya, dumbass," Atsumu answered and stood up, quickly grabbing his things before leaving to follow you.

Suna froze upon realizing what Atsumu meant. Eyes darting towards Osamu, he muttered a small curse before gripping his hair in frustration. "Samu..."

Not even waiting for what Suna wanted to say, Osamu shook his head no with a displeased look. "Ya fucked up big time. Sorry but I can't help ya with this one."

Suna was on his own.

No matter how much he tried convincing the twins to help him, neither of them agreed. He didn't know how to approach you after what happened. You basically ignored him even during practices, only doing your duties and talking to him when instructed by Kita.

Several days went on yet you were still ignoring him, and to say that Suna was getting fed up was an understatement. Not only were you ignoring him but you were also spending too much time with Atsumu.

Sure, he was aware that you two are bestfriends, but that doesn't mean that it wouldn't turn into something more. After all, Atsumu was a likeable guy. It wouldn't be impossible for you to fall in love with someone like him.

And so, the moment Suna saw Atsumu almost kissing your cheek, he snapped.

With fast strides, he went over to your direction and pulled you away from your bestfriend who only shrugged his shoulders and went on his way as if nothing happened.

Suna stopped when you reached an empty classroom and he immediately shut the door behind him for privacy. "I'm sorry for being rude to you last time," he started.

"You weren't only rude to me, ya know?" you said and averted your gaze from him. "You also rejected me. I know that I haven't directly confessed to you yet but it still hurt. I just assumed that maybe I had a chance since we were close with each other. I'm sorry for-"

"Please, don't," Suna said to cut you off. He stepped closer to you and placed his hands on your shoulders, regret visible on his face. "Don't apologize for liking me."

"But Rin..."

"I don't want you to take it back. I like you too, y/n. So please..." Suna dropped his arms to his sides and rested his forehead on your shoulder before muttering, "Please don't ignore me anymore. I promise I'll love you the way you deserve."

You felt yourself soften at his words and despite how much what he said last time hurt you, you knew that deep inside, your heart belongs to him. You brought your hand up to run your fingertips over Suna's hair before nodding. "I won't ignore you anymore, Rin. You know why?"

He lifted his head up to look at you hopefully. "Because you like me?"

"You guessed right."

The moment you said those words, Suna immediately placed his hand on your jaw, angling your head up to him. "And I like you too."

Not able to hold himself back anymore, Suna leaned down and pressed his lips against yours, your eyes closing as you savored the feeling of finally kissing the man you like.

Iwaizumi Hajime

Iwaizumi is your brother's bestfriend

The first time you saw him was when you were in first grade, him and Tooru being a year older than you

Despite the small age gap, you still grew close with him as most of your time, you spent with Haji watching random movies and playing volleyball

When you entered high school, you only became closer to them

He protected you from bullies and those people who only wanted to use you in order to get closer to your brother

At first, you didn't notice that you were falling for him, thinking that you were just attached to him after being by his side for such a long time

But when you realized that your gazes lingered on him longer, your mind started wondering the feeling of his hand holding yours, and the way your heart fluttered everytime he was close, you knew that you've fallen for him deep

It was a Friday night, both you and Tooru were dressed in your pajamas as you waited in your room for Iwaizumi to finish making the popcorn.

Today, you all scheduled a movie night since this was the only time the three of you are free. Being a third year and a volleyball player at the same time was hard on both your brother and Iwaizumi's time and often times, you had to cancel due to them having an early practice.

Luckily for you, it seemed that their coach finally had mercy and decided to give them a weekend break.

You, on the other hand, had lots of free time in your hand since your workload isn't as heavy as theirs which is why you were always the one who adjusted when it comes to the schedule of your movie marathon night.

"Iwa-chan, gimme the one with more popcorn!" Tooru immediately said as soon as Iwaizumi stepped inside your room, balancing two bowls of popcorn in his hold.

You rolled your eyes at your brother and stood up to help Iwaizumi, purposely showing your brother how you took the one with more popcorn in it. "Sucker," you said, sticking your tongue out at him.

Iwaizumi sighed at your attitude and plopped down beside you which made your heart flutter as always.

When the movie started, you noticed how much the two were so focused on the screen. You felt a little guilty since you were basically the one who suggested the movie yet you were the one who isn't paying attention.

How can you even focus if your crush is literally sitting beside you on your bed?

You could even smell him by how close he is beside you. You were, after all, crushed in between him and your brother, a blanket covering the three of you as you squished yourselves in your bed.

As the movie went on, you felt your eyelids getting heavier. You let out a small yawn and rubbed your eyes, the sound of the people talking on the screen making you feel drowsy instead of stopping you from sleeping.

Iwaizumi, who had noticed the way your head was swaying from side to side, gently took the half empty bowl of popcorn from your hold and wiped your fingers with a baby wipe. He then carefully guided your head to rest on his shoulder before refocusing his attention on the movie.

When you woke up, the room was silent. The television was already turned off and the lamp was already turned on. You looked beside you and noticed that the spaces beside your bed were already empty, reminding you that you must've fallen asleep and Iwaizumi and Tooru must've transfered to their rooms already.

Feeling your throat demanding for some water, you slid off your bed and made your way towards the kitchen. As you grabbed the glass, you almost dropped it upon seeing a reflection of a man behind you.

"You scared me," you whispered into the quietness as you came face to face with your brother's bestfriend.

He chuckled and ruffled your hair before grabbing himself his own glass, eyes staring at you as he downed the water within seconds. "Sorry. I didn't expect you to wake up since you always sleep like a log," he said with a grin.

You lightly smacked his chest, your cheeks heating up as you felt his hard muscles, no doubt the results of playing his sport.

A small growl coming from your stomach suddenly disturbed the silence, Iwaizumi's laugh immediately booming throughout the kitchen as you blushed in embarrassment. "Shut up. I only ate popcorn, you know?"

Shaking his head with a small smile, Iwaizumi pointed at the stool before saying, "Go sit. I'll whip you up something to eat."

You immediately obliged and couldn't stop yourself from smiling as you admired his back while he cooked. "Neh, Haji," you called out.

"Hm?" he hummed, throwing a quick glance at you.

"Do you like someone?"

You knew that asking such question was bold of you, especially when neither of you totally expected it. You didn't even know how the words managed to get out of your lips. All you knew was that if there was a perfect time to confess, it would be now.

After all, with your brother enjoying his time in dream land, nobody would disturb the both of you. It was serene, and you hoped that the outcome would be just as serene as the moment.

"Where's this coming from? Is this your way of trying to confess to me?" Iwaizumi said with a chuckle.

"And what if it is? What are you going to do?" You bit your lower lip anxiously as you waited for his reply.

But instead of embracing you and confessing his feelings too just like you expected, you were greeted with the seriousness of Iwaizumi when he spun around. He walked over to you and and placed the freshly cooked Omirice infront of you.

"Then I'd have to reject you," he answered simply, his voice sounding as if the topic wasn't up for any discussion.

"Why? Is it because I'm Tooru's sibling?" You frowned at him and crossed your arms over your chest. "You know that wouldn't change anything if you date me, right? You'd still be Tooru's bestfriend."

"I already said I'd reject you. That's it, end of discussion." With that, he turned his back on you and made his way out of the kitchen.

But before he can even completely walk out on you, you grabbed his wrist to stop him. "But I like you, Haji. I always have.." You voice seemed tiny all of a sudden and your grip on his wrist tightened instinctively when you felt him removing your grip easily with his free hand.

"I'm sorry but I don't like you, y/n. Now, let go and stop with your delusions because no matter what you do, I'll never like you."

You felt your heart shatter at those words, tears quickly streaming down your cheeks as you watched him walk away, leaving you all alone in the now empty kitchen.

Guess you don't always get what you want, huh?

The rest of the weekend, you did your best avoiding Iwaizumi to make sure that you don't make him uncomfortable. You made sure to stay cooped up in your room until you were certain that Iwaizumi had already left. Heck, you even rejected your brother's offer when he asked if you wanted to go meet up with rest of the boys at the mall.

You knew that Tooru wasn't unaware that something happened since you've never rejected any offer when it comes to shopping. But even if he did, he sure stayed quiet about it and gave you space which you were thankful for.

A week rolled by and Iwaizumi was starting to get antsy. His spikes were not as good and his movements were too sloppy to the point that their coach had to sub him out during one of their practice games.

As he sat on the bench, his mind went back to the time he rejected you. Back then, he was sure that he did the right decision. He was a third year and you were only in your second year. Not only would it seem that he was after some kid, he would also look like an asshole who only befriended Oikawa for his sibling.

But that was before.

Now, he wasn't so sure anymore. He missed your affection towards him and the way you cared for him. He missed how you often visit their practice and give him first his water bottle instead of Tooru. He missed your playful banter and the way you irritate him by simply joining forces with your brother.

Fuck, he missed you.

And the way he only realized it now made it even worse.

Iwaizumi ran his fingers through his hair out of frustration, and when he saw someone handling him a water bottle, he instantly lifted his head up expecting to see you. Except it wasn't you, it was Tooru.

He mumbled a small "Thanks," before sighing evidently, making Tooru raise a questioning eyebrow at him.

"Just what happend between you and y/n?"

Seeing the panic on Iwaizumi's expression, Tooru just rolled his eyes. "Don't even try denying it, Iwa-chan. I'm not that stupid, you know? Y/n's basically isolating themselves inside their room as if they're scared that you might visit anytime and you.. your play sucks that even Makki and Matsun noticed it."

"Didn't have to remind me," Iwaizumi grunted.

"Hmm," Tooru pressed a finger to his chin as if he was thinking, eyes slightly widening as he remembered something. "Is it because they finally confessed to you?"

"How did you-"

"Oh it's simple! I heard my dearest sibling practicing their confession several times before you came last Saturday. I didn't expect them to confess that early though. The confession sounded too plain for my liking," Tooru said with a hum.

Iwaizumi could only look at him with parted lips. How come Tooru seemed unbothered by the thought of you confessing? Wasn't he supposed to act like a protective brother?

Noticing the way Iwaizumi was staring at him, Tooru pouted. "What're you looking at, Iwa-chan? You're not thinking of dating me instead, are you?"

"Dumbass. I'm thinking why you seem too relaxed at the idea of your sibling confessing to me," Iwaizumi said, hitting the back of Tooru's head.

"Eh? Why? Did you expect me to go apeshit on you?" Tooru chuckled. "Don't worry Iwa-chan, I completely approve of you dating them! Just don't try to hurt their feelings or I'll be mad for sure!"

"But I already rejected them." Iwaizumi groaned and rested his head against his palm out of frustration.

Tooru, who seemed to gain sympathy at his partner, patted his back and said, "Then we'll just have to do something about it, don't we?"

When you arrived home, the house was eerily quite. The lights were all off making you furrow your eyebrows in confusion. You knew how much Tooru hated coming home with the lights off so you always made sure to leave it on in case you arrive later than him.

"Tooru?" you called out as you switched the lights on. You surveyed the whole living room and kitchen but your brother was nowhere to be found.

Shrugging your shoulders, you went up to your room and almost screamed at the sight of a man sitting on top of your bed, a bouquet of flowers in hand along with a bunny stuffed toy.

"Why do you always have to scare the shit out of me? I swear one of these days, I'll die of heart attack because of you," you scolded as you closed the door behind you. You discarded your bag on the couch and stood in front of Iwaizumi with your arms crossed over your chest. "What's all this about?"

Scratching the back of his head, Iwaizumi spared a quick glance at your wardrobe before sighing. "They're um... They're for you." He handed you the flowers and the bunny, eyes watching you warily as you smelled the pink roses.

You weren't unaware of what was happening. You always witness these kinds of things but since you were still hurt about what he said, you decided that you wouldn't give in to him that easily.

"Thank you," you answered dryly before placing the roses on top of your study desk.

Iwaizumi cannot help but panic because of this. Have you already decided that you no longer like him? What if you already got yourself a boyfriend? His thoughts started running wild inside his head and it was only when you touched his shoulder that he was brought back to the reality.

"Sorry...I," Iwaizumi fisted his hands on his sides before continuing. "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, y/n. I didn't want to reject you. I actually like you but I got scared. I mean, you're Oikawa Y/n, my bestfriend's sibling. I didn't want you to think that I was only friends with your brother because I like you. In the end, I hurt you and god knows how stupid I am for doing such thing."

By this time, Iwaizumi's eyes were closed, afraid of looking at your reaction. He was even biting his lips and if not for the seriousness of the moment, you would've took a picture of his adorableness.

"I guess an apologizing Haji, is a cute Haji," you said with a smile making his eyes open.

"Shut up," he said shyly with the tips of his ears turning red. "I'm being serious, you know?"

"And I'm being serious as well. I'm not kidding when I said you're being cute right now," you said, continuing to tease him.

"Y/n."

You giggled at the warning in his tone. "Alright, alright. 'm sorry." You took his hand in yours and gave it a small squeeze before lifting your gaze up to him, all signs of goofiness now vanishing from your face and replaced with honesty and admiration. "I like you too, Haji. I still do."

"Shit." Iwaizumi smiled and wrapped his arms around your waist, his strong arms lifting you off the ground out of happiness.

You squealed as you were lifted and you encircled your arms around his neck to cling to him.

"Gosh, Iwa-chan! My sister said she likes you too and the first thing you say is shit?!" Tooru said as he revealed his presence, his hand rubbing his back at the ache for staying too long in the cramped closet.

You gave Iwaizumi a few taps on his back which he immediately understood. He placed you down and grinned as he watched you taking your brother out of your room by pulling at his ear.

"Ouch, y/n-chan! Iwa-chan, help me!"

Iwaizumi just chuckled as the door infront of him slammed shut, the shouts of Tooru as you hit him bringing a sense of satisfaction to Iwaizumi.

likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated ♥️

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a-dragons-journal · 3 years

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i dont "kin for fun" but through tiktok i found out about the whole kin for fun vs actual otherkin... situation ig? im having a really hard time taking it seriously... maybe im just burnt out and bitter from dealing with the worlds current events, and maybe its because on tiktok the only people i saw mad about it were white people, but you're the most reasonable person ive seen talking about it (a lot of other posts have this odd tone that 12 year olds on tiktok saying kin is the worlds greatest opression and it weirds me out) so ig my question is just... why exactly does this matter? why does it matter enough to post about and care about and not just ignore? /gen

Hey! I don’t blame you for being a bit weirded out by it, we’re a weird subculture and we’re well aware of it! xD I appreciate you taking the time to actually look into it past your first knee-jerk reaction, especially considering burnout and the state of things.

I’m not totally sure if you’re asking why otherkinity matters or why the “kin for fun” being wrong matters, so I’ll answer both - they’re pretty well tied together anyway.

The short version:

Otherkinity is an identity. It’s who we are, we can’t choose to pick it up or put it down, and it comes with struggles - though no, ‘kin are not systematically oppressed (though we are pretty badly bullied and, at this point, pushed out of our own words and spaces).

What people calling roleplay/relating to/projecting onto characters “kinning for fun” does is steal our words, make them meaningless, and in doing so, make it difficult or impossible for us to find each other. If someone says “I kin [x],” I no longer know whether they mean “I am [x] on an intrinsic level” or “haha I relate to this character a lot”. I no longer know whether they actually share my experiences or if they’re going to turn on me and call me “crazy” as soon as they realize I’m not exaggerating or joking or roleplaying. It’s done massive harm to the community as a whole because it’s become difficult to tell whether someone is actually ‘kin or if they’ve misunderstood the whole thing - and because antikin rhetoric, which I’m seeing more and more in KFF spaces, hurts far more when it’s coming from inside what you thought was a community space than when it’s coming from self-labeled “antikin.”

There are other words for roleplaying and relating to and projecting onto characters. Hell, there are words for strongly identifying with-but-not-as characters/things, though usually KFF people don’t even seem serious enough for those to fit in my experience. I’m really not sure why these people are so determined to steal and misuse our words, words that were specifically created to mean something else, when they already have their own and are just refusing to use them. (Or, hell, if you don’t feel like those fit, make your own. We did. It’s your turn to put in the work. (General you, not you-the-anon, of course.))

An analogy, if that still doesn’t quite land for you:

Consider, for a moment, the transgender community. I am aware this is a dangerous thing to say, but bear with me. Obvious CW for hypothetical transphobia up ahead is obvious.

Consider if you were part of the trans community (I don’t know if you are or not), having finally found a word to explain why you feel the way you do about yourself, why your experiences don’t seem to match up with those of everyone else around you. Having found a community, a home, full of other people like you, people you never would have met if not for words like “transgender” and “gender dysphoria/euphoria” that were created specifically to describe your experiences.

Now consider if people suddenly stumbled across your community for the first time who were not trans themselves. They see community jokes and lighthearted posts out of context, because Tumblr and Twitter aren’t exactly conducive to making sure people find the Transgender 101 information posts first. They don’t bother to do further research, assuming they understand: ah, these people like to crossdress! They like to pretend they’re a different gender! This seems like a fun hobby, I want in!

They begin to post things like this. They post photos of them crossdressing and caption them “hi, I’m [name], and I trans men!” and things of the like. Suddenly the concept of “transing for fun” seems to be everywhere - and it’s not at all what being trans actually is, but these people either don’t know or don’t care. When actual trans people try to politely correct them, they’re accused of “gatekeeping” - and to be clear, this is not “nonbinary people aren’t real,” it’s “transgender means you identify as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth, and you’re self-identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth 100% and telling us this is just a fun hobby for you, therefore you’re not trans, you’re crossdressing or doing drag or being GNC. That’s fine, but it’s not being trans - you have other words to describe that, use those.”

(Yes, I am aware these things have a history with the trans community - please just ignore that for the sake of the analogy and bear with me on the slightly simplified version of this. “Kinning for fun” does not have that same history with the otherkin community.)

...And then the response to those attempted corrections, in some corners, turns into “wait, you ACTUALLY think you’re another gender? idk that sounds pretty unhealthy, maybe you should see a psychologist or something :\” and “you’re taking this too seriously.”

I imagine, in this hypothetical scenario, you’d also be pretty fuckin peeved.

(Obviously, in this hypothetical scenario, systematic transphobia would be an issue as well, which isn’t the case for otherkin - again, you’re gonna have to bear with me on the simplification for sake of analogy there.)

(EDIT: this is not an anti-MOGAI/exclusionist argument, this is “you’re literally telling me you don’t fit the definition,” explanation on that here)

The long version, which is probably still worth reading if you have the time and energy:

Otherkinity is... pretty core to who I am, who we as a group of individuals are. We live with being otherkin on a daily basis. Many of us spent a long time feeling different and disconnected and not understanding why until we found the otherkin community. Even people like me, who don’t share that experience and still had social connection - I’ve still had to live with weird differences that I had to learn to mask when necessary; instincts that don’t line up with human society well, feeling body parts that weren’t there and that no one else ever seemed to have, things that other kids grew out of because it was just make-believe for them and I... didn’t, because it was never make-believe for me to begin with. Oh, sure, I played make-believe too - I played warrior cats and house and all those things with the other kids, but there were things that weren’t play-pretend for me too. I didn’t have an explanation for it for a long time - it was just how I was, I was weird, and fortunately for me personally I was okay with that (many of those with species dysphoria or more trouble connecting with humans have more problems from that than I did).

And then I found the word “otherkin.” And suddenly everything fell into place, and I had an explanation for the things I’d been experiencing, and there were other people like me. Something I’d assumed didn’t exist. I found others who shared my unique experiences, who were talking about how to cope with the instinct to growl or snap jaws at people instead of expressing annoyance in a human way instead of just saying “that’s weird, don’t do that”, who were talking about dealing with phantom wings and tails, who understood me. I wasn’t weird, I wasn’t broken, I was exactly what one would expect from a dragon living in human skin. I found an explanation for myself. I found a home.

That is why otherkinity matters - it is who we are, it’s not something we can walk away from (certainly not most of us, anyway), and it’s something many of us need the support of the community to help deal with on a daily basis. Being a nonhuman in human society isn’t always easy, but it’s not something we can just magically stop being - it’s core to who we are, we (generally) didn’t choose to be this way, and we (generally) can’t choose to stop. Which is fine - the vast majority of us can cope with it just fine, with a little advice and help and space to be our authentic selves in. We found each other, we built this community from the ground up to make a space and words to make finding each other easier - or possible at all.

Thus we come to the second half of our story.

It was only a couple of years ago that the “kin for fun” trend started getting big. It had existed before that, of course, but it only started going mainstream two, maybe three years ago, from what I can tell. Suddenly people were treating “kin” like it meant relating to, projecting onto, roleplaying as, or just really really liking a character or thing - not being that thing, which is what it actually means. Not long after that, it became hard to tell whether someone saying “I kin this” meant they were that thing, that they were actually part of our community - or that they really really liked that thing and either didn’t know or couldn’t be bothered to learn that that wasn’t the case for us.

Not long after that, it became relatively commonplace to hear phrases like “otherkin are ruining kinning!!” and “you’re taking this too seriously” and “idk, if it’s that serious for you that sounds unhealthy. maybe you should get some help :\” (all directly quoted, or as exactly quoted as I can remember, from things KFF people have said to me or people I know).

It is a special kind of hell, I think, to be told “you’re taking this too seriously, that’s unhealthy” by people who are taking words created to describe your experiences, not theirs, and misusing them to mean something that you do for fun on a weekend instead of something that’s intrinsic to your being.

Perhaps more importantly, like I’ve said, it’s making it almost impossible to know whether someone who says “I kin [x]” is actually ‘kin or if they’re misusing our words to mean something else entirely. The entire point of words is to communicate ideas, and once you start misusing words to mean something totally different than what they actually mean, that communication falls apart and suddenly we might as well not have those words at all. Especially when the community is small enough and obscure enough that we’re starting to be outnumbered by the misinformation. We’re being run out of our own words, words we created to describe our experiences specifically - because we’re a small community that the wider internet can easily drown out by sheer numbers of people who either don’t know any better or don’t care to learn.

That’s the harm it does - the harm it is doing, right now. That’s why it’s important enough to post about. That’s why it matters - because we’re fighting desperately to hang onto our own words so that others like us can actually find us. Because we’re seeing young nonhumans go “this isn’t a kin, I actually am this” and screaming “No, I’m so sorry that this is what the misinformation has done to you, that’s exactly what otherkin means, you have a place here, please don’t let these non-’kin misusing our words drive you away from the very community you’re looking for and that you belong in.” Because we can’t even communicate effectively about our own experiences anymore except in semi-closed spaces like Discord servers and forums (and the number of Discord servers overrun with KFF people is absurd).

......This got very long. Hopefully it at least explained why it matters so much to me and others a bit better ^^; Thanks for hearing me out, and thank you again for looking into this beyond your initial knee-jerk reaction - I really do appreciate it.

(For further reading, if that text wall didn’t blow you out of the water completely, I recommend my “kin for fun” tag, which has more posts like this in both short and long form.)

#probably should've put this under a cut but oh well #otherkin #kin for fun #kinnie #kinning #rani talks #asked and answered #anonymous #rani talks A LOT apparently sbfldkngjlksdf #i have a lot of feelings on this #long post

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st0ryf1lms · 3 years

Text

one day at a time ➳ kim seungmin

pairing: twin! seungmin x gn reader (platonic)

genre: angst, fluff if you squint

word count: 1.7k

synopsis: in which you were already having a stressful week and your family coming home for the holidays did not help at all.

featured song: one day at a time - ateez

a/n: happy holidays, everyone! in light of the season, i made a seungmin special! enjoy reading!

You've sobbed for the 10th time this week (may I note that it was only Tuesday) due to your upcoming online exams on Thursday. The sound of your quiet sobs and the air conditioner functioning was the only thing that could be heard throughout your whole room.

Even with the thick blanket wrapped around your shoulders did not help prevent the cold that came seeping into your favorite blanket wrapped around you as you bawled your eyes out on your work desk.

A ding! from your phone finally snapped you back to reality, wiping your tears off with your blanket.

my lovely (ew) twin: hey, u ok in there?

you: yeah, what makes you think im not?

my lovely (ew) twin: idk im feeling something im not supposed to be seeing as ur oKaY

"Damn twin instincts." You muttered under your breath. As far you remember, you and your twin brother, Seungmin, had always been together since childhood. You both played together and fought together. Usually when the other twin was in danger or any situation that's out of the normal, the other would usually have a gut feeling that something's not right.

you: im fine, min. i really am

my lovely (ew) twin: yeah ok fine do what u want ig

my lovely (ew) twin: dinner's gonna start any moment

my lovely (ew) twin: so drop whatever ur doing rn

my lovely (ew) twin: mom might call us

you: yeah ok sure

After sending him a text, you went straight to the bathroom to, at least, lessen the intensity of your bloodshot eyes. You washed your face with the hopes of not letting your parents see the hell you've been through these past few days.

•••

"Y/N, my darling, are you alright?" Your mom asked you, ripping you out of your deep thoughts. You took a deep breath before answering, "Yes, mom. I'm alright." You answered with a forced but rather convincing smile that didn't seem to go past both your mother and your father, seeing as your dad was a psychologist and your mom a pediatrician.

"Y/N, dear, I know you're lying. C'mon, darling, tell me what's wrong." Your dad said rather sternly but empathetically, which was not really surprising to you as he really knew a way with his words-after all, he is a psychologist.

"Is it about our relatives staying over for the holidays? Sweetie, you know we can cancel anyti-"

"Mom, no, please don't do that. I can handle myself and it's probably just the burden of the exams finally kicking in." You cut off your mom as she started the one thing you didn't wanna hear from her mouth.

"Mom, I know you've been wanting to see them for almost a year now and I'm not about to ruin that for you. And no, mom, it's not about them, okay? Just relax and don't worry about me too much. Your beauty will fade away sooner if you keep on stressing." You said with a soothing smile and the worried expression that was once on your mother's face was slowly replaced by the smile you and your twin had come to inherit.

"She's right, Euna. I don't wanna see my beloved wife so stressed." Your dad said as he kissed your mom ever-so passionately on the lips, earning a giggle from your mom and a retching sound from your twin brother. "Dad, Mom, will you both please get a room if you both are going to do that?" You turned your head to your right to see Seungmin making gagging sounds, leading you to laugh.

"Oh shut up, Seungmin. You're just jealous because Hyunjin's being an oblivious prick, after all the obvious hints you've been dropping." You retorted, earning a fake hurt expression from your twin. Your brother was openly bisexual while you, let's just say you haven't decided what gender identity you identify with. Luckily, both your parents were really accepting and you thank the heavens for putting you in this family.

The whole dining room was filled with laughter and happiness as you all dined happily.

God, I wish this moment won't end. You thought to yourself as you smiled at the sight in front of you.

•••

"Kim Y/N! Kim Seungmin! Over here!" Your favorite cousin, Hongjoong, beckoned you and your brother over, attempting to be heard over the loud commotion. Exams had been over 2 days ago and, my gosh, relieved is an understatement on how you felt after.

"Hongjoong-ssi, how have you been?" You asked with a smile as you hugged the latter. "I'm good. Busy as always though." He replied with a sigh. "Of course, hyung. Being a producer is never easy." Seungmin said sympathetically.

"Well, mom's calling me so I gotta go." Seungmin bid his farewells to the two and went over to help his mom. "How about you, Y/N? How's life been treating you so far?" Hongjoong asked.

"Well, it's been pretty hard. Exams have been a pain in the ass. And to top it all off, I've been having loads of panic attacks." You replied, looking down to your feet. Hongjoong puts an empathetic hand on your shoulder and says with a comforting smile, "Everything gonna be alright, okay? You can reach me as to whenever you like. Just hit me up."

"Thanks, Joong, but I can get by on my own." You replied, raising your head back up to face him.

A sudden shouting disrupts your conversation, leading you to hide behind Hongjoong and hold his arm tightly.

"What the hell was that?"

•••

"I told you explicitly, explicitly, not to spend your money for that goddamned gambling!" You heard your mom shout at her youngest sister, as you and your cousin entered the living room to see Seungmin holding your mother back and Jisoo, Hongjoong's elder sister, holding back Eunji, your aunt in question.

"My best friend calls me up in this time of Christmas, for God's sake, telling me that you owe 10 grand at the Casino you've been playing at!" Your mom continues, earning a collective gasp from everyone in the room. "Hold on a second, 10 grand? Are you kidding me, Eunji? 10,000 dollars? Goddamn!" Eunhee, your aunt who is mother to Hongjoong & Jisoo and the middle sister, now entered the conversation.

"Yes, Eunhee! 10, 000 dollars!" Your mom exclaimed, facing Eunhee as she did. "Now where in the hell do you think we are going to find 10,000 dollars, hmm?" Your mom said, now starting to face Eunji.

"If you think you're gonna get money from me or your Eunhee-unnie then, you are so absolutely wrong! We have families to keep alive, children to send to school. Now, if you can live with the fact that the money we'll be using to pay that damn debt of yours is supposedly used for the foundations of my twins' future, then fine!" She continued, leaving Eunji to look around the room subtlely for any possible allies or enemies, just anything to not direct the attention to her. Then, her eyes landed on you.

"Your daughter doesn't even study well! She's always in her room playing games and chatting with boys!", she tried to retort but to her worst, Seungmin was there. "You do not have the right to talk about my sister that way! You don't even know her that well nor do you give a f*ck about the both of us to know such things!" Seungmin spat out, not caring about the vulgar language he used. He made a vow to his dad to always protect you no matter what when you both were 6 when you were picked on at school.

"Oh, please, you're just as good as your no-good sister! You're always hoo-" She tried to throw insults at your brother but was soon cut off by Hongjoong's booming voice, resounding throughout the living area.

"That is enough! Solve your problems as siblings and do not drag me or my cousins in it! We came here for a peaceful and fun holiday, not one you wrecked just because of a simple instruction Aunt Euna gave that your stubborn mind just couldn't seem to follow!" He finished, earning a glare from Eunji.

His left arm went rather cold than it was before, seeing as to you were holding it. His attention was then caught by your figure running towards the front door behind him and Seungmin chasing after you in a hurry.

"Y/N, wait!"

•••

Your body felt numb. Your vision felt hazy. From the moment your no-good aunt had framed you in the living room, your body had reacted on instinct to run away. You were stuck on auto-pilot, until your knees gave out and landed on the soft but cold white snow, on the frontyard, halfway to your gate.

You felt paralyzed, as hot tears rolled down your face. The resounding footsteps of who might possibly be your brother got closer and closer until the owner of those footsteps went down to your level to reveal none other than your beloved twin.

"What the hell, Y/N. I told you not to go outside without any outerwear, especially in this weather." Seungmin stated in a rather worried & shaky tone, instead of the usual stern & nagging tone when scolding someone. He put the scarf & coat on you that he got in a hurry from your side of the coat rack. He then made an effort to make you feel warm by rubbing your arms.

"I'm not sure if I'm worth all this, 'Min." You said shakily. "What if she said was true? That I'm as good as nothing?" You asked, finally facing Seungmin, locking your bloodshot eyes with his pitiful ones.

"She didn't say that, Y/N. She never said that." Seungmin replied. "Okay, fine, she didn't say that. But she sure made it clear that my purpose in this family is just as good as dust." You continued, looking back at the snow that's cradling your knees.

Thank you for reading One Day At A Time! Happy Holidays, everyone!

"Shush, none of that. Don't let it get you down. You have a purpose in the family. You're my twin." Seungmin cupped your face in his warm hands, making sure his point went across you. "Just take it slow, alright? I saw you stressed these days, I just didn't wanna meddle in your business." He said with a smile, as he finally let go of your face and his hands landed on your shoulders.

"One day at a time, Y/N. One day at a time." Seungmin said to you, repeating it like a mantra. You finally smiled before saying,

"Yeah, one day at a time."

•••

#stray kids #stay #skz x reader #skz x you #bang chan #lee know #changbin #hyunjin #han #felix #seungmin #i.n

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doodleimprovement · 4 years

Text

Wellness: A Villian!AU Coco Fic Part 11: Rolling Thunder

Psychologist Malcom Kevgil is called upon by the Riveras to help with Miguels post-mortem development. He quickly learns however that this is moreso a trauma rehabilitation, and an untangling of lies and 90 year old mysteries.

He’s a smart man, but will compassion and an analytical mind win out against Family ties?

Solutions are put forward...

This particular version of the AU has been written and developed by @im-fairly-whitty [Click here to read!]

Rating: Gen (subject to change depending) \ Warnings: None \ Word Count: 1798 (Maybe the longest??) // Masterpost Link

4:34 in the morning was not a fun time to get a phone call. The call would never, ever be good at that hour.

“Mmmh- Kevgil” The doctor grumbled slightly, trying to wake him up

“I’m calling on behalf of the Riveras. Your presence is required” The unknown voice spoke

“... It is 4:30 in the morning.” He commented, sitting up “What is the emergency?”

“Miguel has barricaded himself in his room, and will not speak to anyone”

Malcom paused

“.... Does anyone know why?”

There was a fumbling sound, and a much more familiar voice came through the phone

“He was fine during Dia De Los Muertos, and was quiet but.. okay through most of yesterday, but sometime last night he locked and barricaded his door with his dresser. Hector went to check on him to make sure he’d fallen asleep at around 2 but the boy had already locked himself away” Imelda explained “You are the only person we can think of that might be able to get through to him.”

This was it, Malcom realized. The cliffs edge, the bad part. He started to stand “I will be there soon. Tell him that I am coming, if you can. And tell him to practice our breathing exercises” He instructed

“.... Thank you” Imedla quickly responded.

She’d come a long way, he realized.

“I would not thank me just yet, Senora. Things might get worse before they get better. Hasta Luego” And he hung up, going for his closet.

He didn’t have the luxury of looking professional this time, so he grabbed an old pair of jeans and the sweater he’d died in. The soft fabric hadn’t faded with time - as is the case in the land of the dead so long as you are remembered. The 80s neon and patterns always comforted him when nothing else could.

He’d worn it just last week, telling friends about his frustrations with “a few clients”

Now he’d wear it confronting those clients. What fun.

He made his way quietly through the towering land, not putting much thought into anything - he wanted to get a full picture of the situation before starting down the “find a solution” line of thinking.

He arrived at the Rivera Estate on foot, and when a worker saw him walking through the gates, he was ushered through the wide, empty halls and up a few flights of stairs to a conglomeration of people.

Imedla, Hector, and one of their grand-daughters - Victoria was her name, he was pretty sure

Malcom cut right to the chase

“Any progress?” He asked quietly. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Miguel to know he was here just yet.

Imelda shook her head. “I told him about your breathing exercises, but he has not responded to us at all”

“Then perhaps he is doing them. Can he hear us clearly through the door?” He asked, looking at the small crowd in front of the door, Hector being the standout of the group- staring at the door with a heated anger.

“Raise your voice just a touch and we are certain that you can” Imelda further explained.

“Hm…. and he hasn’t said anything?”

“Not that we have heard” She answered.

Malcom furrowed his brow looking over at the door. “Who got here first?”

“Hector” she answered

Malcom simply nodded, before pausing for a moment

“I’m going to try to talk to him”

Imedla sighed, looking at the door “You told me that we would reach the edge, and refuse to see it coming, Doctor” she rubbed her tired eye sockets “... You were correct”

Malcom didn’t respond, but they shared a brief look before he walked over to the door, raising his voice slightly

“Miguel? Its Doctor Kevgil. Your bisabuela called for me. Are you there?” He waited a moment “You don’t have to speak, but can you knock to let me know you’re listening?”

There was a moment… and then a knock

“.. Okay, you don’t have to talk. But… one knock for yes, two for no. is That okay?”

One knock.

Malcom smiled slightly. “Did you do our breathing exercises?”

Knock

“Did they help?”

Knock

“Good, good…. Do you want to talk?”

There was a long, awkward pause.

A single knock

“.. Okay” Malcom nodded to himself “It’s just going to be me, okay? No one else.” He assured, looking over at Imedla and Hector.

Hector looked less than pleased “Why can you go in?”

“He trusts me” Malcom answered succinctly

Hector puffed out his chest. The indigence in his stance nearly made Malcom cringe, but Imelda luckily pushed him back, gently.

“Amor, let him go… We have to get Miguel out of there”

The clenched fists didn’t relax, but he stood still.

Malcom’s eyes stayed on the couple while he opens the door, just slightly. Just enough. He made brief eye contact with Hector before he walked in.

The room was…. Big. It was big, and empty. There was a bed, a dresser, vanity, and a guitar stand. With the lights off, he couldn’t tell what colors the room was supposed to be, but his initial vision was not promising.

Miguel, for his part, was seated on the bed with his legs crossed, eyes glassy with tears that could technically no longer be shed.

Malcom let his posture relax.

“... Buenas Noches, Miguel”

“... Buenas Noches” His voice was raw “.. Did y’know you can’t cry?”

Malcom exhaled, and sat himself a respectful distance away from Miguel, at the edge of the bed.

“You can cry, Miguel.. You just doesn’t have tears. It doesn’t mean you don’t cry”

“... Doesn’t feel like crying” The boy simply retorted.

Malcom simply nodded “I understand…. Now..” The man turned slightly, putting one leg up on the bed “... Why am I here, Miguel?”

Miguel didn’t initially respond. He clenched and unclenched his fists, twitched a bit, and his eyes looked anywhere but Malcom

“Miguel”

The boy’s eyes snapped back to the doctor

“Please, Miguel. Tell me why I’m here”

“... He’ll never be sorry” Miguel announced

“.. Who will never be sorry?” The man asked, feeling he knew the answer

“... Papa Hector” The boy nearly wheezed “He… he did this to me… and he’ll never be sorry”

Malcom kept his expression even. But he knew where he was.

They were over the cliff.

“... Why will he never be sorry?”

“Because… he thinks what he did was right” Miguel forced out the explanation “Because even if it… hurt me, he thinks it was best for… the families reputation… the legacy is all he cares about”

“.. You think that he doesn’t care about you”

“... I know it”

“How do you know it?”

“... He never means his sorrys” Miguel answered, hoping Malcom knew what he meant.

Fortunately, Malcom did

“That’s very helpful, Miguel. Thank you. But that doesn’t explain why you locked yourself in your room.” He worded carefully,

“..... Angry”

Malcom took a chance, and put his hand on Miguel’s back.

“You’re angry?”

Miguel nodded.

“You’re angry at him”

The boy nodded again.

“.... What do you want to do about that anger?” Malcom asked.

The boy looked up at him, finally

And voiced exactly what he wanted.

About 45 minutes later, he left the room, closing the door right behind him, and turning to the group that had been waiting.

“How was he?” Imelda asked.

“.... He was upset and angry”

“At what?” She asked, Hector looking at her, before looking back at him.

Malcom looked at Hector, and took a breath. “You, mostly”

“.... Me?” The man looked genuinely shocked.

“Yes, you” Malcom responded, perhaps with more aggression than needed, but at this point, this was more than just an appointment, or a patient. “Because you killed him and he knows you don’t feel sorry for it”

The silence that followed that statement felt scarier than anything Hector could have replied with.

“... How do we fix it?”

Malcom felt the need to do a double take, but didn’t “... Excuse me?”

“How do we fix it?” The man aggressed

“... Do you feel sorry?” Malcom responded.

Hector’s shoulder’s straightened, his back taught, trying to appear taller. “... I did what I had to do “

“... But are you sorry that you did it?”

“.... I did what I had to do” Hector pressed

Malcom could finally, finally feel his composure crack, just slightly “You did not answer my question”

“*I did what i had to do”

“But are you sorry!?” Malcom nearly yelled

“No!” Hector nearly screamed back, panting just slightly.

Malcom took a deep breath, with his exhale, he felt his composure return “... Then there is no fixing it.”

Imedla stood in front of Hector, her hand pressing him back “How do we help Miguel, Doctor?” Her tone nearly begging.

“... He wants to leave” Malcom stated. “He’s scared of him”

The tension in Hectors shoulders warned the doctor to tread carefully.. But that seemed like an impossible task.

“Leave…” Imelda looked disheartened “Scared of him?”

“Extremely” Malcom admitted “He needs a place where he isn’t afraid to ask for something as inane as jeans”

Hector pushed Imedla’s hand away from him, reaching forward and getting a fistful of Malcom’s sweater

“You’re lying-!”

“Hector, para!”

“Let go of my shirt, Senor” Malcom exhaled

“You’re lying!” He shouted, shaking the doctor “What do you want with my Grandson!?”

“Hector!” Imelda shouted.

“Why do you immediately assume I have some sort of ulterior motive?”

Hectors hands trembled, readjusting his grip “.. You want to use him”

“For what?”

“To ruin us! You’re all the same!”

“ … Us?”

Malcom could start to feel things slot into place, so far as Hector was concerned.

“... You’re worried the minute he’s out of here, he’ll tell the entirety of the land of the dead what you did… You don’t trust him either”

“It’s you I don’t trust!” Hector countered

“Let me go” Malcom asserted, his voice firmer “Before I studied psychology, I nearly joined the army. I still recall most of my training, and I would hate to use it in such an emotionally charged moment”

Before the eldest Rivera could make the choice to respond, his wife spoke

“Hector… is this true?” Imelda asked, the heaviness of her voice causing Hector to pull away “You don’t trust him? You don’t trust our ninito?”

His lack of an answer - his aversion of her eyes, and his eventual weakened grip on Malcom’s shirt was way too much of a sign.

Malcom took a deep breath. “Is there any family member that doesn’t live in the hacienda? Or a family friend who could take him in?”

Victoria finally stepped forward, her eyes stern, but he could see that she was tired. “.. There is one”

#coco #villian au #hector #imedla #miguel #victoria #fan fiction #fan fic #imfairlywhitty #im-fairly-whitty #antonia writes #antonias ocs #antonias fandoms

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nunaya-business · 5 years

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There Have Been a Few Times When My Dad Has Left Throughout My Life...

Some for normal reasons, others for mental illness reasons. All of them have left their mark on me and my brother especially.

To begin, my father has not had a good life. He was brutally physically, and I believe sexually, abused throughout his entire childhood. His mother is a munchausen bitch, his brother a psychopath, and his father an asshole. Mental illness runs in the family on both sides, though it's hard to tell which side it effects the most. My father started out with ADHD, or that's what the doctors have said. He got heavy into drugs when he and my mother first got together, and of course the mental problems plummeted from there.

Both parents quit drugs before I was born, and my father went overseas to Iraq. He was there when I was born to give me my name, and left a few months later. I didn't meet him in person again until I was nearly 2 years old. I didn't walk until then either, but that's from a birth defect.

I don't remember much of my childhood with my father, because he either stayed inside at home or he was overseas. Having a parent or both parents in the military is shit, and in my opinion, abuse. Psychologists are always saying that both parental figures in a child's life is extremely important and, when both aren't present, whether from abandonment, death, or lack of interaction, it effects a child greatly. What they refuse to consider in my opinion, is parents who go into the military. That's abandonment. Period. I don't care if that parent is doing a deed for their country, you're risking your life, and deliberately not there for your children in the way you need to be. That's the tea sis.

My father broke his back twice in Iraq. Once when I was a toddler, and once when I was around 8 years old. The things he's seen and done mixed with his childhood traumas turned this man from mentally ill, to mentally unstable, to mentally insane is the span of nearly 10 years. The last time my dad came home from Iraq, he had gone up the scale of insanity to the brink. In case y'all didn't know, the brink before complete legally recognized insanity is Paranoid Schizophrenia.

Every. Single. Year since I was 8 years old, my father had mental meltdowns. It started with yelling, to throwing things, to leaving for days (and one time a whole month and my mom had to pick him up at a bar and send me and my brother to my grandmother's house for a week), to an incident in 2016 when my father officially snapped.

In 2016 only a few days after New Years when he came home from a doctor's appointment, he went into our kitchen, downed half a bottle of straight vodka, and started screaming at my mother. She told me to take my little 2 year old brother into my room, shut the door, and put on a movie. I did. I was 12 years old, and it was about 16 days from my 13th birthday that j was really excited for. I remember because one of my friend's birthday's is only 12 days before mine, and I asked mom to go to her birthday party that Tuesday.

I put on Disney Pixar's Cars, because that was his favorite movie, and turned the volume up all the way so he couldn't hear anything. I stood by my door, and quietly opened it enough to see because I heard my dad shouting and things crashing. I don't remember what exactly he was flipping out about, but I remember him throwing a wrench at my mother's head. He missed, and it hit the wall above the kitchen window, making a hole that we had to patch up later. My dad got the vodka bottle, and some guns from our gun cabinet, and tried to get my dog Krypto, a Rottweiler, to go with him. I though he was going to kill him, and the other dog we had, which was the last thing I had inherited from my grandfather.

He kept telling Krypto to come and help him kill the neighbors, but Krypto was hiding behind mom. Dad was scaring him. Since he didn't go with my dad, he tried to beat him, but my mom was on top of Krypto trying to protect him. I don't really remember much after that moment, I think because I either changed or replayed the movie for Little Brother, but I do remember dad stomping back the hallway towards my room, and mom yelling something like, "Don't you fucking dare!" And Krypto running after him, so I got my pocket knife from my desk and stood by the door ready to kill my dad to protect my brother. He stopped though, and I remember listening to his fading, pounding footsteps as he slammed our door shut to go outside.

At the time, my room was at the back right of the house, straight back through the hallway. I only had one window against the wall opposite from my door, facing the back of the house and the woods, but I still saw the brightness of the fire my dad had set on the neighbor's weekend cottage at the front of the house, across the driveway. I remember my mom going into what was the spare room (now my parent's room) with Krypto, crying, and talking to the police. When she knew for sure they were coming and my dad was outside emptying the guns into the surrounding trees and the cabin, mom came back, told me to open the door and gave me a hug. We were both crying, and my brother was asking what was wrong with us. She told me to stay in my room with Little Brother, and that she would come get us when it was ok to come out, then went back into the spare room.

My dad came back inside drunk and crashed onto the couch. It was quiet, and my mom had snuck outside to meet with the police to describe that she wanted him taken in as a mental patient, not a criminal. I had to pee really bad, so I knocked on the door five times because I didn't know where mom was. Dad thought someone was at our door, and told whoever he thought it was to go the fuck away. I snuck put of my room as fast as I could, went to the bathroom, and when I came back, the movie was halfway over for about the 3rd time, and I sat on my bed to finish it with my brother.

I don't remember what time it was, and I don't remember how close the movie was to being over, but I do remember men yelling to "get down", and, "come out with your hands up" outside the window. Someone looked in the window with a flashlight, so I took my brother, and hid under the top bunk of my bunkbed. I covered his ears and hid him under my blanket so no one would find him. The entire state police department came from around the state hours away, to my home in bum-fucked Egypt (aka a small hick town). My mom came in after a couple of minutes with a shaky voice and said "Todd, get up, and go outside now."

He replied with something like, "Christ woman", or "here we fucking go", and I peeked out my door one last time, to see my dad put his hands up, go outside and yell, "HERE I AM MOTHER FUCKERS AND IM GOIN DOWN IN A BLAZE OF GLORY". They gazed him, got information from my mom, and left.

The whole ordeal that Thursday, or maybe it was Monday, night lasted 7 hours, and I think it was 2 in the morning by the time the police left, and we were allowed out of my room. My first question when I hugged mom was, "where did Dad go?" To which she replied, "the police took him."

I didn't go to school that week, dad went to prison for 2 years instead of a mental institution like he was supposed to, my mother was put on antidepressants, I was put in counseling in three places, (the pediatrician's office, a professional office, and school counseling) for severe depression and anxiety, my brother developed an antisocial disorder in addition to pre-diagnosed autism, and I was now in charge of taking care of the house along with my 2 year old brother like an adult. I didn't really have time to be rebellious, having only a short few months when I turned 13 where I "hated" my mother. But how the hell was I going to rebel? Not do the dishes?

... yes actually. I didn't do my chores around the house for a few months as a sort of rebellion. What else was there to do? There was nowhere to go, no one to run to, and Mom wasn't home long enough to fight with so... yeah, refusing to do chores was my way to rebel against my parents.

My dad's mom, the bitch in forced to call a grandmother, called child services more than 5 times while Dad was in jail for no reason. They blocked her number. She got ahold of dad's disability checks and used them for herself, and we nearly starved because of that, and from that fateful night on, I was labeled a psychopath by my peers. Good. I don't like those retards anyways.

That's the story of why I'm not very close to my father, why I believe going to the military is the appraised way of abandoning your kids, and how the military also fucked up my Dad. Because, if they would've done their job of an actual mental evaluation on their soldiers when coming home from war, my father would have gotten the help he needed, and lastly the reason why I believe in gun control. And with that, I bid you guten nacht.

#personal #story time #military #military family #schizophrenia #mental illness #gun control #american military

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xalongfortheridex · 5 years

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Twisted Souls

Summary: Estella Wintour and Michael Langdon. Two people who should never have crossed paths, but did. Michael wanted to be good, desperately, and went to Estella for help. Every fiber in her body begged her to stay away from him, however, something in Estella needed to know more about the man with the striking dark eyes and enigmatic persona. As she delved deeper and deeper into Michael’s life, it wasn’t long before she really saw who he was: twisted. She didn’t know if he could be saved from the darkness consuming his soul and knew that the journey would be dangerous. But she knew one thing: he was worth the risk. He was worth it all.

Pairing: Michael Langdon x Female OC

Warning: Violence, smut, slight au, fluff, swearing. Pre-apocalypse and post-apocalypse.

Chapter One: Drowning

“Estella, are you ready for your next appointment?” My assistant, Hazel, asked through the intercom. I sighed and tried to prepare myself for my next session, slowly rubbing my temples and closing my eyes.

My last appointment had drained almost every ounce of energy I had within my body. I loved my job, but at times, being a psychologist can really take a toll on me. Listening to people converse about their personal problems, their inner demons that are slowly consuming their entire being with each breath they take, requires not only patience, but mental and emotional stamina.

I straightened the bottom of my black pencil skirt, making sure there weren’t any wrinkles on the surface, before fixing the cuffs of my sapphire tinted blouse. Slowly, I pressed the button on my intercom and gave Hazel permission to let my next patient in. As I waited for his arrival, I glanced over his documents that were laid out within the green folder on my dark wooden desk.

Hmm, both parents are deceased... strong violent urges... This one seems interesting.

A knock sounded at the door and I diverted my attention to the tall, striking man that passed through the frame. His dark blue eyes wandered around the room, scrutinizing all of the framed photographs of famous European cities, before landing on me. A smirk crept on his lips as he gazed at me, soaking in my appearance, from my straight black hair to my emerald green eyes and light brown skin. The man walked with his arms held behind his back, taking slow and confident steps towards my desk as I stood with my head held high.

“Hello. My name is Estella Wintour. I am so happy to meet you.” I held out my hand for him to take. As soon as his fingers enclosed around mine, a chill ran down my spine and filtered to my toes.

“My name is Michael Langdon. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Wintour.” His voice was smooth as melted caramel and soft as silk. “I heard you’re one of the best clinical psychologists in town. I hope that’s true.”

“As do I. I wouldn’t want to be the worst.” I chuckled lightly as Michael smiled at my attempt to lighten the mood. “Take a seat anywhere you would like and, please, call me Estella.”

He scanned the room before settling on a red leather arm chair and gracefully sat down on it, crossing one leg over the other. Michael watched as I sat on the chair next to him.

“You’re not carrying a notepad. Won’t you need it to write down whatever it is I have to say?”

“No, I feel like that disconnects me from the people I’m talking to, like a wall that divides us from each other. It sets a serious tone in the room and that’s not something I want.” My lips pulled up in a sweet smile as I gestured around me. “In here, I want you to feel as comfortable as possible. You can talk about whatever you want and I will be here, listening.”

“Well what is it you want me to talk about?” Michael asked, picking at his coat absentmindedly.

“Let’s start with something simple. Tell me about your family, your childhood, anything that first comes to mind.”

“There’s not much to say. My parents... They never accepted me for who I was. They hated me, saw nothing but evil whenever they looked at me. I wanted to please them, I wanted to be loved by them, but they-they didn’t want me.” He sighed, his words coated with sadness and pain. “Even though they’re dead, I’m pretty sure they still despise me.”

“Evil? Why do you think they saw you as evil?” Curiosity began to grow inside me as I listened to him speak.

“Because I was different from other children. I-I did things that people don’t consider normal. I’ve hurt people... whenever I got angry I wanted nothing more than to take it all out on the person in front of me.” Michael confessed, choosing his words slowly and carefully.

“These impulses.. Do they only come up when you’re angry?”

“No. Sometimes, I would just have this urge to wrap my hands around a random person’s neck and strangle them till their heart stops. Till they take their last breath. It would take every ounce of self control to even try to stop myself.”

“And if you’re not able to stop the urges?”

Michael met my stare, furrowing his brow, and tilting his head slightly to the side.

“Then, I do exactly what the urges want me to do. I choke them, I try to kill them.” I pursed my lips thoughtfully at what he said and leaned in, watching his facial expression closely.

“And have you ever succeeded in killing someone?”

He took a slow, deep breath and paused before shaking his head. “No, I have not.”

Liar.

Michael’s head shot up, as if he heard my thought, and raised a brow at me. It was a silent challenge to pursue the subject further. But, I wasn’t falling for his tricks.

“Okay. Tell me more about your family. Do you have anyone else in your life?” Annoyance glazed over his eyes briefly before he blinked it away.

“No. Everyone from my family is dead. My grandmother... She died not too long ago. She couldn’t handle being the one to deal with me and took her own life.” Shock rippled through my chest at this confession and I looked away to hide my surprise. “As of right now, I live with... a sort of foster mom you can say. She took me in when she saw I had nobody. Her name is Miriam Mead.”

“Is she in the waiting room?” I asked, wanting to meet the woman.

“No, she had some errands to run.” He grinned mischievously. “It’s only me today. Why? Do you not enjoy my company?”

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion at his direct question.

“What? No, I didn’t mean it that way. I just wanted to meet her and-”

“Listen, Estella, I’m different from your other patients. I don’t fall for your mind tricks nor do I have any desire to entertain your seemingly innocent questions. I know how your mind works, how a psychologist’s mind works, so it’s going to take a little more than knowing my family history as well as the one person who I don’t hate in this world to truly understand who I am.” He snapped all of a sudden. I watched as his hands grasped the arm chair as he spoke, his lips forming into a scowl.

“Michael, if I have offended you in any way, I-Im sorry. I didn’t mean to-” Michael abruptly stood up as I tried to apologize and strode to where I was before kneeling in front of me so our faces were level with each other. I gulped, not knowing what to expect.

“Don’t. Talk. Just....Listen.” He breathed the last words, his eyes darting to my lips before moving their way back to my gaze. Hunger laced through his words as he spoke in a deep, husky voice as his chest rose and fell. "You are very talented, Estella, I’m sure and I know you’re experienced in your field. However, I don’t think you’ve ever had a patient like me before.”

Michael analyzed my facial features, desperately trying to detect any sense of emotion. My heart was beating rapidly within my chest as I listened to him intently.

“My parents were right. I am evil. I am evil in its physical form. My soul has been basking in darkness from the moment I was conceived and all I feel is hatred. Hatred for the world and the creatures that live on it.” Michael whispered. Though his words were cold and intimidating, his face had softened into a peaceful expression. “And you were right earlier. I am a liar. I have killed before, more than once. And you know what? I haven’t felt an ounce of guilt.”

How did he know I thought he was a liar? Am I that obvious? I didn’t even say anything that would make it seem like I didn’t believe what he was saying.

Michael’s lips kinked up in a grin before returning to its former frown. He took a deep breath and continued.

“I want to be good. I wanted to be good for a long time and it feels like I’ll never get to that point. I’m tired of feeling this way, of feeling like I am filled with nothing but anger, and pain, and sadness, and disgust. I want to feel what it’s like to live, truly live.” His hand enveloped mine and I gasped, feeling electricity pulsing through our skin.

My eyes widened as I looked back up at him, feeling his body heat emanate from his frame in waves. Michael leant in closer as his other hand brushed over my cheek softly. An aroma of pine and cinnamon infiltrated my nostrils, the scent coming off his clothes intensely.

“I want to feel happiness without it being clouded by my rage. I want to experience laughing and smiling at something truly joyful. For once, I want to know how it feels to be loved and to love. I want to be normal and I need help... I need your help.” He pleaded. “I’ve been drowning and I need someone to pull me back to the surface...before it’s too late.” “Too late for what?” I asked quietly.

“The end.” Michael said. Fear brushed against my spine due to the chilling tone of his words, yet a feeling of exhilaration surged through me. “So, will you help me?”

He was different and enigmatic. I knew that he was far from my average client and that I may not be prepared for what was to come. However, there was something in me that wanted to know more about him, to really find out what he was hiding.

“You want nothing more than to get in my head and solve me like a puzzle. Am I right, Estella?” A chuckle trickled from his lips as he watched me observe him. “I can promise you one thing: it won’t be easy, but it’s sure as hell going to be entertaining to watch you try.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, knowing he was trying to get inside my head. Sighing, I sat up in my seat and gazed at him intently. “Fine, I’ll help you.”

“Ah, and so her curiosity wins after all. I was wondering if you would let your doubts get to you, but I should’ve known you’re much stronger than that.” Michael stood up and began to walk towards the door.

“Wait! Our session isn’t over yet!” I exclaimed, following him. He turned back to look at me, surprised to see me appear so quickly behind him.

“I have some things to attend to. We’re going to have to cut it short today, but I’m excited for our next meeting.” His hands turned the door handle and pulled it open. “I hope you don’t pay attention to that ridiculous saying and get scared. I would hate to have you back out.”

“What saying?”

“Oh you know, some nonsense about curiosity killing the cat.” He smiled deviously as he strode through the door frame and down the hall. As soon as I was about to respond to his words, Michael raised his hand and the door slammed shut in my face before I could utter a single sound.

Shock resonated through me as I stared at the wood, not knowing how the hell he managed to do that. When I threw the door open to catch one last glimpse of him, I was disappointed to see that he was gone. Slowly, I closed the barrier and slid down its surface as I sat on the floor. Fear and adrenaline coursed through my veins like blood as a million questions raced through my head. My fingers fiddled with the bottom of my skirt as I tried to relive every second of the time we spent together till the moment he somehow had closed my door when he was feet away. The top of my hand buzzed with warmth from where he had touched it as tingles shot through my cheek from the spot his skin made contact with mine.

He was right. I needed to know more about the handsome man with the dark blue eyes and cunning smile.

Curiosity killed the cat, indeed.

#american+horror+story #fanfic #au #coven #ahs apocalypse #murder house #oc #ahs #michael langdon #fanfiction

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bandomgay · 5 years

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My brain to yours pt.1 b.u

Tw: blood,gore,self harm,violence,hallucinations,slight mention of an ed

Au: hey babes this is gonna be my 5th time trying to post this and i want death so bad...however if there is any confusing things or typos or things seem to quickly paced im sorry thats just my brain babey! Enjoy...i guess

Word count: 1,894

It all started when he was about 6 years old, he never spoke ever,not that he couldn't he just wouldn't, his parents were worried about his development,however nothing was ‘wrong', he had a quite developed thinking process for a child, but it wasn't a good one for his age nor was it a normal one,no child should be so terrified of talking to people and being thought lesser of as his voice shook violently while trying to say the easiest of sentences.

he understood people to early into his young life ,he got the memo that everything was too stupid and too hard to understand so he gave up . his mother took him back and forth to hospitals and child psychologists ,his mother scared for what was to come of him could this weirdness she didn't even have a name or diagnosis for develop into something more as he grew? She thought, would he be normal? Would he be like the other children who laughed and giggled at the littlest of things? Would he be happy like them? She had decided to push her concerns into the back of head deciding that maybe he was just awkward it's okay to not fit in hes a fucking 6 year old boy maybe it's not that deep.

he was now in the 3rd grade now and teachers became more and more loud and responsive with their problems, he thought maybe whatever bad stuff they had going on at home they just needed to vent threw aggressiveness and shaking hands and restless mornings,but however it was their screams he didn't care for, he looked them in the eye wondering what he had done wrong, however he didn't care enough to continually think about it, but he realized slowly that couldn't feel anything like the red faced teacher did, he’d envy the poor mannered teachers feelings if he could, just how they could get so angry and fed up with kids who were disgusting and vile and how he never felt that…... he never felt anything at all .Now he was in the 5th grade he had to repeat the 4th grade due to staggeringly low grades and his failed attempts at homework he never seemed to have remembered. Things were getting hard to remember, so hard to remember what the teacher had said in the classroom that seemed to fade away after he was picked up by his mom and the sheer silence of the drive home and his mothers sneaking looks into the mirror with furrowed eyebrows at her son who never told her how his day went.

In school it was just so easy just to drift off in the land of dark swirls and dark worlds filled with make believe that he couldn't separate from the real world that never seemed to go away and darkness he felt comfort in his head till he heard nothing but the disgusting laugh of a teacher who had looked as if she wanted to deck him in the face ( he imagined about 3 different scenarios of how that actually could have occured, he held back a giggle and a sly smirk) as she snapped her wrinkled hands in his face “earth to brendon” he heard the aged feminine voice laced with anger repeat twice but he had failed to tune into the first reminder he was too dissociated to notice, he came too but didn't understand her reasonings of not just leaving him alone and let him rot and break free and he soon heard the fits of laughter coming from children he knew he was too weak to stop.

he wanted to do terrible things to everyone in that very room including himself, a dark desire he couldn't contain from his mind but he never followed through with these type of thoughts. he could never seemed control them he thought of them like messages being sent from an unknown source in the back of his head that had an invisible connection to someone he could see but nobody else could he dared himself if he could just pull at the cord in his head he wouldn't have those those thoughts, the figure never showed up in the same form it could be the shadows of dirty rain water coming from outside showing like a projection on the dingy beat up wall rising above him to claim a mental dominance , or the rotten stain of mold on the bathroom floor that now seemed to have a charming glow yet secretive smile or the bag of dirty clothes that sat high up on its rounded edges now smiled at him and watched him threw the night .

now it was the 7th grade and things had went to shit,it was already shit but it had gotten no better, fits of depression had left him wanting to call a hitman on himself and letting himself be cut open so all the organs in his body to be shot out of him or rip his jaw and everything behind it out of his body but he was too fatigued to think about it anymore his brain seemed to have stopped working back in the 6th grade, he could never think clearly a heavy fog on his brain he could never do much for himself he found the most simple of things he couldn't do, he couldn't pay attention, he felt dizzy at random times becoming feverish and not thinking about why because he couldn't think he thought process lessen and lessened with every passing day until all there were was thoughts of gore and death,sadness and the never ending thought of killing anyone or anything that had managed to make him want death even more.

he just continued to fade in and out of reality staring into the wall for to long or unknowingly staring at the couple of people who he thought was calling him pathetic and worthless with the contradictory voice telling him he's so much better than the disgusting people he saw and that they didn't deserve to smile they don't deserve happiness even though they’d never even spoken a word to him, they were never mean to him. he started pinching,stabbing,pulling at his hair,clawing at himself hard trying to see if he could care that he'd just hurt himself he continued to hurt himself hoping somewhere in the back of his mind he start to feel things, to show him he's real everyone sees him, but his inner self knew what he was doing he wasn't just trying to see if he was a real person he was punishing himself because he couldn't do what the rest of the real kids could do he couldnt plop himeself in a hard metal chair and take a test without thinking about what a disgusting person he was, without hearing them say he wasn't shit that his brain is mush that he couldn't understand the easy directions how he could get so angry and mad without hesitation how he could imagine killing his parents im cold blood… he stomped on his own foot,why is he thinking about this why is he thinking about this why, they creeped back up on him showing him images of his brother and sisters dead and gutted his parents choking on blood and vomit pale and dying, he hated himself for thinking these things,but if it was possible for him to be completely honest with himself he didn't care if they had died or not he just didn't have the ability to care.

He couldn't look people in the face without seeing these images of grewling faces pushed together in piles of pink and red flesh crawling into each others organs which looked rotten and distorted, why was he seeing this things these disgusting things these things… he wouldn't admit to himself that everytime he looked in the mirror he tried not to vomit he tried to hard, he bashed in the mirror bloodlying his hand, his hiss echoing in the empty bathroom he couldn't go to the nurse he couldn't look her in the eye and see her like that, besides he was on the first floor and he was too weak to go all the way to the fourth floor he knew he would pass out, he felt something pooling in his stomach it was anxiety he felt the cramping in his stomach and the salivating in his dry mouth, he vomited into the sink, he hasn't eaten anything in about 3 weeks so the pain of dry heaving for almost half in hour into the sink made him dizzy and ultimately pass out. he had now awoken to bright lights that made him nauseous and whimper, he was in the hospital again. he tried so hard not look the nurses and doctors in the eye and seeing horrific images in his mind of them dead, rotten maggot filled and bloody be he regained his ability to see the normally after a while.

“Brendon honey…” his mommy's voice was there “mommy...hi mommy” he said in a broken whisper. She had realized he never calls her mommy unless something's wrong he wasn't aware that he was, he turned to the right finding an iv carefully placed into in scarily pale arm “honey...they found you in the bathroom your hand was cut up...you where passed out what...t?” she silenced herself for a moment seconds later starting up again. “They found you in the bathroom..the mirror was broken and your hand was cut pretty deep and passed out” he mouth trembled a bit, she moved his sweaty bangs out of his forehead, he felt wetness on his skin his own uniform shirt clinging to his skin he was sweating.

He didn't feel real he didn't respond properly to what she had said he only looked away.. And said “dizzy….everything hurts…” he was so surprised he felt something but if feeling was like this he didn't want it. “I d..don't wanna feel like this..can you make it stop mommy please?!” Nani was absolutely terrified she'd never been so scared for her little boy, “its gonna be okay,sweetie...i swear..to god i swear…” in this moment if she was honest she didn't believe there was a god, no god would do this to her son, she turned around after hearing the door and hard footsteps.

“Hello ms. Urie im dr. Yakima, i will be assisting and diagnosing your son” she nodded softly wanting her son to be okay. “Hey son,open your eyes for me,i'm here to help” brendon heard a much more distorted version of what the doctor had said than nani did, but then again he was fading in and out. He handed her pills and said firmly “these are anti-nausea and pain killers i'm gonna give these to him and he will feel much much better i promise..” He was right it with his cocked up eyebrow and charming smile that sparkled with calmness and reassurance that worked its way into nani. the medication worked but not instantly. “Sit up honey..” She said softly, he followed what she said slowly with a wrecked groan and intense muscle pain however there was no rush.

#brendon urie #panic! at the disco #patd #*****mine #brendon urie imagine

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evswiftie · 6 years

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i just took 5 hours to type up a couple paragraphs of a statement because i was crying half the time .... I'm proud of myself for reporting it but it just got to me tonight...feeling like its never going to send..the me being shows I'm nothing but a sex toy

so maybe put my story of being sexually harassed at work into the world will make me feel better..it just sucks that I've been sexually abussed 6 times in my life and its never gonna end...i was dealing with it fine and choosing to not be upset about it but tonight I'm upset and maybe feelings like I'm telling someone .... but maybe no one ? would help....someone besides the H&R of my job.

how j*** E**** sexually harassed me...

the first time i met him was when i was working on the yellow belt my first week and he came to train other loaders.

then november 6th i went to work on smalls.

november 15th during work i was walking toward the break area and he asked me to tell him something interesting about me, i told him i want to be a psychologist and he told me his experience in psychology. after break he asked why i want to be a therapist as we were walking with a bin of misorts to a conveyer belt and i said i experienced trauma earlier this year and it put i light bulb idea in my head to want to help others not to experience the same PTSD symptoms i felt. he then asked me to tell him what the trauma was so i told him it was sexual abuse, and he asked who did it ... family or a friend so i said its been a lot of both since i was 11 and he asked me to tell him what sexual abuse means to me because its something different to everyone..i said when someone touches some one else private parts without it being wanted. but harassment is verbal sexual abuse, saying sexual things to another person when they aren't wanted.

he then was asking how these things happening to me has made me feel and i mentioned how it makes me feel guilty like its my fault and thats when he shook his head in disbelief and shock and said " you've got to get over that". within this converstion of asking how its affected me and made me feel he says " you would think you would become a nun by now"i said " well my parents said most people who are sexually abused either want one of two things.. to never be touched again or they want it more..so he finishes my thoughts and says " so you want to be touched all the time"

now at this point we were walking back with the bin to the smalls bagging area and were near the computer desk area/clock in spot and he's keeps talking while theres people around..

and says " so yo have fantasies?" i said yes.. and he asked what kind of fantasies i have and i didn't answer right away so he turns around and says

"what kind of guys do you like it with " ... i was shocked but gave him my answer i said " i like big guys" feeling really awkward telling him that since he's big and he then says " any guy is going to be bigger then you.. so i said " i mean really tall guys.." he then asks if i have any other fantasies and i said " yea... with girls" so i can't remember his exact wording but he asked " so you're bi ? why do you think that is?" and i just said " maybe because I've gotten nothing but being treated like shit by guys...or maybe its because i realized I've genuinely fallen in love with a female??"felt pretty awkward having to explain my sexuality ... i didn't ask him why he thinks he's straight? but anyways

he then says he can get me some connections with people in the psychology business world so he asked for my number ..

so he texted me that night Wednesday at 9:47 pm and asks me to send him a picture for him to use as a "contact photo" so i sent one and he asked me to send a couple for him to choose from .. which i thought was weird. and asked me to send him my resume .. that conversation ended 11:50 PM

then Thursday November 7th. 8:53 am he asks if i have linkedln profile and told me to look up his resume.and talks to me about being a leader at work and going in early and while i was on my way to work (i left 40 mins before my start time when it only takes me 20 mins to get there ) and says " early means you should be here now" so i replied when i arrived at work and said i wasn't sure when exactly i could get there .... so i was working and he quickly walks past me and says " 30 mins early!"

he cam up to me while i was working about an hour later and asks if i have snap chat and wanted my username so i gave it to him

then we were taking a bin of mis- sorts to the conveyer belt and he says " I'm excited to see what you post on snap chat " and i said " haha ill warn you i post some weird things" and he said " oh like freaky things ;)))" and i said " yea just funny things !" and he says " oh so not like freaky pics :) " and i said " noooo ? " he says " so you don't send nudes?" i say " no ? i mean ... i use to a long time ago but not anymore?" and he says " why not " so i say " because i want guys to see me for more than that " and he says " wow you gotta get over that" and asks if i would send him nudes and i said " no because that would be inappropriate " and he asked how would that be inappropriate " and i just froze up and said " besides wouldn't you get in trouble" and he said " what does a private conversation between two people have anything to do with anything" and then we were walking up to break and he says " do you still feel weird about that conversation? " i just shrugged it off and said no and he said " you know you're the one who sets the boundaries " awhile after break maybe between 8-9 pm on that nov 7th he came up to me and says " you know.....im curious to see what you look like in a provocative picture " i made a shocked/weird face and he asked what that face was for and i said " ummm well it is a little weird ??" and he just says " ok don't worry about it" then at 11:48 that same night he sent me a text asking if i was ok and at 12:08 am on sap chat he sent me a message saying " I'm feeling down" and I've seen that before and i know what it is....its him trying to make me feel guilty for not giving him what he wants.he messaged me until 1:48 am about a you tube video

the next morning he sent me a photo at 10:05 am saying " good morning"

and thats the last contact i have from him.

also i don't remember exactly when he said these things but he said " do you know what psychologists code of conduct is ?" and said its when you don't share the information between the two people. he very well could have been trying to let me know to not tell anyone about it.

p.s sorry if this makes anyone upset

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noodlenutter · 6 years

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i met my childhood idol TWICE this weekend and i dont think im gonna be the same ever again

super longwinded and probably kinda cringey/obsessivly detailed post under the cut

ok so when i was 11 there was a show on cbbc called mission 2110 and the main character, caleb, was this cyborg dude w a robot arm and headset and he was fighting against evil robots who’d taken over the world, and most importantly, he was played by stuart goldsmith.

i saw a sign around uni for a comedy show at the basement, york, by (you guessed it) stuart goldsmith. so of course i had to go, if only to make childhood-me happy

i turned up alone and Very early. i waited outside the venue for a while and saw stu leave and go for a walk around york but I wasn’t 100% sure it was him so i didnt approach him then

when we finally got in i sat on the front row between a group of elderly people and a drunk hen party - as soon as stuart got on stage, he started his introducing himself/the show, talking about the venue and warming up the crowd spiel, but instantly froze when he saw the hen party (he was surprised that they were there and kept sort of forgetting his train of thought and going back to the fact the entire front row was a hen party, cos they’re not his usual audience)

he started the gig and im not gonna go into huge detail about that in this post cos there’s no way i’d do any of it justice thru words (plus theres gonna be a tour dvd sometime ;) ) but at some points he interacted with the audience (usually the front row) so i’ll mention those

the first Direct Interaction was when he spat directly onto my shoe while talking. he looked right at me, stopped his joke, and said ‘yes, i know what just happened. i know. it was Entirely Intentional.’ and kept going as if nothing had happened at all (it was fuckin hilarious cos no one else even saw it happen so the crowd was like ?????)

& for the part where he asked about jobs, he asked me and i said i was a student so he firstly asked what i wanted to do after - but straight away asked what i studied. i shrugged as a response to what i want to do after the degree (cos who knows lmao) but he took that as a response for what i study and made some quip about me not even knowing what i study n how that’s just a Typical Student Thing isn’t it?

(apparently when robots take our jobs, psychologists will be replaced by tape recorders on legs)

during the break (NOT an interval) i was talking to the people beside me (not the ones in the hen party) about york and scarborough and floods and bands and everything, they were so nice

not much happened in the 2nd half of the show (other than the fact i almost CRIED laughing, honestly that dude is SO funny), but he said he was gonna hang around afterwards to sell tshirts and say hi to people, so i decided to ask him about cbbc’s mission 2110 (which was my favourite show ever and also the place i know him from)

so, after he’d told his last joke (one about raisins, which i remembered on the drive home and had to pull over cos i was laughing so hard i thought i was gonna crash the car), he said goodbye and got off stage etc etc, i queue up to say hi. straight away he reaches out to shake my hand & say ‘hi mate, thanks for enjoying the show’, that kinda thing

i asked him about m2110 and his face LIT UP, i thought he was gonna hate me for reminding him of it but he was happy and said that was his dream job, all the robots were played by his street performer friends, and he cant wait for the day that one of the kids from the show turns up to his gig

i asked him for a photo after that and he was like ‘yea, of course!! ill even do the pose!’ and put his hand to his face like caleb from m2110 did (im grinning at the memory while typing this, its such a dumb photo but i look insanely happy and he looks exactly as i remember caleb looking)

i asked how m2110 ended (i never got to see the last ever episode), and he looked like he was going to tell me but when i said i hadn’t seen the last ep he said ‘i’m not gonna tell you then!!’ (cmon mate its been deleted off the internet for like 8 years now :(!! )

all in all i think the first show was just how a typical comedy gig goes, but the 2nd show things got different (in a good way)

i decided to go again when i found out he was going to be in leeds 2 days later, and i took my friend who was disappointed that she’d missed the first show

we got to the front row and had to sit directly in front of him (we were gonna sit a bit further across but other people wanted to sit there first), so when he came up on stage to do his intro he glanced at me, then snapped back to do a double take - ‘are you BACK???’ he asked, pointing at me, ‘you were in york the other day, weren’t you?’

i gave him a thumbs up, high enough for most of the crowd to see, and he grinned, crouched a bit and started talking to me about the york show’s crowd - the fact there was a hen party, how surprised he was about them, and then that the weren’t as rowdy as we both thought they were going to be - after a minute or so, he stood up again and said ‘this is more of a chat than a show, isn’t it?’ & got on with the show.

i honestly can’t stop thinking about the “what’s your name, where you from, where d’you do your howling?” part of the show cos it’s never something i thought of before, but every day since then i’ve screamed in my car to a song and it’s kinda therapeutic (he pointed at me when he asked about howling, he points at a random audience member for each question) (also SOIL) (also also the bit about wanting to do a mic drop but with a microphone made of meringue)

in the break, the person behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked whether it was different from york or better/worse than york, and whether i’d been a fan for long, etc etc

after the break, stu got back on stage and thanked us all for coming back - then asked whether there were any ‘guilty empty seats’ next to anyone. the guy in the seat next to mine didn’t return after the break, so the person next to him and i pointed at the empty chair on the front row (he said something about how he respects that decision cos the guy came alone anyway)

“shall we mix this part up a bit? could you shuffle these?” he asked, and gave me the flashcards while explaining how this part of the show worked (he workshops jokes from flashcards, they’re in a set order for every other show but he wanted to make it different for leeds, and so gave me the cards to decide the order)

i panicked a bit though cos I was so shocked, so i just shuffled them randomly instead of reading the cards and what they said (oops), and i put an interesting one on top - it just said ‘R’ in a circle and i couldn’t think what joke that would have been so i put it first.

i gave him the cards back and he looked at the top one like ‘uhh, no, i cant do this one first, that’s possibly the best bit of them all it’s gotta go at the end’ (which made me realise it was the raisin joke at the end of the show, so i told him how it really is because I had to pull over on the drive home it made me laugh so much - to which he fist pumped and yelled ‘now THAT’S a review!’)

before moving onto the content on the cards he talked about how he wishes he could go on stage to an audience who’s already ‘warm’ to him so he doesnt have to waste his 2nd best joke so early in the show, so he was planning ideas to get the crowd hyped before he even came out. he sat on the empty chair next to me and talked about how if everyone’s hyped enough then he’ll get a standing ovation etc etc, then stood back up, jumped on stage, and we all stood with him and clapped - ‘yeah, keep going!!! no one sit down! dont do it!’, after a few seconds i was losing my balance but i thought it’d be Funny if someone sat down, and Funny if that someone was me, who everyone knew had been to the show before. so i sat.

‘NO!! she’s sat down! that’s it i guess, it’s over isnt it, alright then, you can all stop now i suppose’ (tbf i feel slightly bad for it BUT it made it all funnier anyway so it’s chill, i hope)

because i hadn’t looked at the cards every time there was an unexpected one he glanced over to me, ‘is this really what you want? you want this one?’, sighed ‘okay then’ and did the bit. the one about the squirrel (’you really want the fuckin squirrel one???’) kinda flopped cos it built off a previous one in york so he said that at least he’s learnt that it has to be in a certain order to be funny (youre welcome)

after the show when i went to say hi & thank you for letting me control the cards etc (i never actually said that cos i got distracted, ended up talking about how one of my twitter friends & her family is friends with him and his family but he asked who i was talking about and im like ‘uhhh i dont know her name we use nicknames online uhhhhhhh sorry’ lol), when he saw me he lifted his arms and went straight in for a hug (I HUGGED MY CHILDHOOD IDOL) & thanked me for coming back again so soon

i asked if he could sign something for me but all i had was a yellow envelope (’oh! a yenvelope!’) nnd a sharpie wrapped in tissues cos it leaks (’uhhhh lucy, why is it wrapped in tissue? oh, it leaks? well, if i were you i’d wrap it in something, maybe a tissue?’) & signed the envelope with ‘you are too big a fan! :)’ which is the most true thing anyones ever said about me, ever. he also asked if i wanted a photo or anything but i said i’d already got one n he was like ‘oh of course you do’ lol

anyway yea we left after that and i’ve been screaming internally ever since cos i never thought id ever even meet him but then i saw him twice in 3 days and he recognised me, let me influence the show AND hugged me. im still amazed. im in awe. stuart goldsmith is such a wholesome guy and im waiting (im)patiently for his next tour

EDIT: i just remembered that during the last joke i was laughing so much that i was crying and i was fanning my face, and he saw and was like ‘are you ok there?? you good??’ which made me laugh even more, jesus,

#probably the longest post ever im writing it all down cos i have a shit memory for details #i listened to darkshines on repeat while writing this too cos everything else was too distracting #i warned u that its lik embarassingly detailed i didnt wanna forget any of it so u dont have to read the tldr is baso all u need to know #this is mostly for if anyone asks me how my weekend was i can read this to them n not forget anyhting lol!!#personal i guess #uni tag #stuart goldsmith #not even proofread #like if u read i guess but also i dont thnk i wanna know who read it lol

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