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cto10121 · 4 months

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Finally bought a copy of Midnight Sun!!! Or as I like to call it, Twilight’s subtext as actual text because people suck at reading comprehension. Honestly, with every reread the book gets better and better. And of course, I have des notes (Part 1, since this tome is long):

I love how Edward is so obviously interested in her even before he smells her scent. That ~strange urge to step between her and Jessica’s vicious thoughts…buddy

Also love me some Arrogant!Edward, especially at the beginning—the Mr. Darcy vibes truly are impeccable, and it makes total sense for this narrative. The stupid clowns and anti fans hate it, but it is absolutely essential to his character arc towards humility/self-acceptance. It’s called character development, bitch

Edward: “She is an ordinary human girl, nothing special, she isn’t even pretty” Also Edward literally the second time he sees her: “She has oddly deep brown eyes, the color of milk chocolate, but with the clarity of strong tea, with flecks of caramel and agate green and now she is tossing her luscious mahogany hair at me and now her delicious scent is wafting like delicate perfume—” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Clowns: “Edward doesn’t like Bella for herself, he just likes her scent!!!1!” Edward: *absolutely REFUSES to go into detail about her scent, just its effect on him* Yeah. Strange, but revealing. In Twilight he does say it’s like freesia, and Laurent says it’s “floral, somehow.” The metaphor for sexual desire and even predation is there, suggested by Edward’s obvious romantic interest, but narrative-wise Meyer firmly separates the two and even has Edward conquer his own selfish instincts in order to be together with Bella. In that framing, Bella’s scent becomes another obstacle to overcome to reach true romance, and that fact alone makes Twilight better than 90% of romances lol

I don’t think I mentioned this before, but Meyer’s Spanish is surprisingly legit so far. I’ve literally read worse Spanish by Chicano and Latino writers, without accent marks and everything. Although I must say, they always have these Spanish high school teachers insist on having the whole class speak Spanish. It’s such a cliché, but a charming one, I guess

Edward hearing about Emmett’s cantante encounter and thinking, “Yeah, no, this is worse” is such an unintended flex, imo. Homeboy really was dealing with the worst vampire thirst ever and he actually succeeded in overcoming that enough to dick her down. Kudos

Edward thinking about Bella on her wedding day to some stranger and feeling pained—boy, it’s been three days!!!!! Birds of a feather flocking together

“A word I’d never said before in the presence of a lady—” This is the line that made the antis go crazy????? That a vampire from 1901 and frozen in that state would speak and act like he was from 1901????? Antis are so damn stupid

“I liked that I’d finally guessed right. That I was beginning to understand her.” Honestly? So far Edward has been very good at reading her body language and her feelings, almost from the get-go. Some specifics and quirks elude him, and he almost completely misses her attraction to him, but almost everything Bella is feeling from Twilight he also picks up on. So the Team Jacob fans that insist that Jacob is better because he is a better reader of Bella may not have that much of an argument after all

“Like a stalker. An obsessed stalker. Like an obsessed vampire stalker.” And like Bella, Edward is iconically hilarious in the best way possible. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Aaaaaand Alice has her Vampire!Bella vision and everyone is 😮 at Edward falling for Bella. Still wish that Edward would be in denial of his obvious feelings for a while longer, since it’s so much fun

Not antis complaining about how Midnight Sun’s added scenes on Bella’s selflessness and her friends being awful were ~retcons by Meyer…bitch, in Twilight it was clear as day her friends were fake. Normal, but fake. Angela excepted. And Bella’s kindness/self-abnegation was more than established, although there it was focused mostly on Bella’s shielding Angela from Jessica’s prying and setting up Mike/Jessica.

“Obviously the meteorite was just a metaphor for all the unlikely things that could go wrong.” Obviously, but your antis have never been the sharpest tools in the shed in terms of reading comprehension, Edward, so don’t even bother—oh, you meant yourself. Meyer definitely is doing some meta here.

“Edward…Stay.” God, I do want to see this scene dramatized in the TV show in an Edward POV flashback episode. Imagine Edward wrestling silently with his self-loathing, about to leave her room and possibly Bella for good, and then Bella speaks his name. He whirls around, shocked, and the way it’s framed the viewer almost believes she has woken up, but Bella is obviously sleeping. And telling him to stay. And Edward being all 😮 🥺 💗Beautiful…except the TV show would absolutely ruin it somehow

Edward not realizing that Bella is (obviously) turned on by him is just perfection. He is as oblivious to his own beauty as Bella is to hers and it makes for a great parallel. Only difference is he does contemplate whether Bella is attracted to him a little

“Staring at her mouth made me feel strange.” I swear, Edward is so much more naïve than Bella about anything romance. Homegirl owned her crush and acquitted herself very well all things considered. Meanwhile Edward is emotionally flailing like an angsty Kermit every single page, doing a “I wonder why?” every few seconds

“Sometimes, when he stares at me, I’d swear he’s thinking of killing me. Freak. Mike wasn’t entirely unperceptive.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“She wore a deep blue blouse today” It has begun

“Bella winked?” Yes, Edward, and so did you, you fucking V tease. Both of you wink at people because you two are birds of a feather, flocking together. Two dorks, both alike in love clownery

Edward 🤝 Juliet —> “Soft perfection” & “Dear perfection” Don’t think I didn’t notice, Meyer!!!

The flirtatious waitress!!! Am enjoying her so much more this time around. Usually I like Bella’s Port Angeles chapter than Edward’s, but this shit reads great in both POVs

“Aside from my worries about her sanity, I began to feel a swelling of hope” 10/10 sentence, no notes

“She dreamed of me. I wanted to dream of her.”🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 “I could not dream of her. She should not dream of me.” 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Edward empathizing with Angela and wanting to pair her up with Ben (and succeeding!) warms the cockles of my cold, dead heart. It’s so great that his 100-year-old cold haughty shell is finally melting and giving way to the 17-year-old simp he is

“Running a house is time-consuming, and I usually had a part-time job, too, not to mention school—” Fuck anyone who hates Bella because she is ~boring, fuck them to hell and back. Homegirl was run so ragged she didn’t have time for herself, much less date. It’s a wonder she had hobbies to begin with (Edit: Aaaaaand the reason Bella hates birthdays is because her mother was shitty at giving her what she wanted and she had to pretend to like them. The fuck)

But on that note, I’m really loving all of Bella’s answers to Edward’s questions, almost easily the best part of the book, and canon-compliant with Twilight. Bella herself comes out as much more winsome, bright, and quirky through Edward’s perspective, traits that were less emphasized in her POV for obvious reasons. Even the stupid antis acknowledge that

Clown Antis: “Edward ~forced her to leave everything she wanted!1!1!!1” Literally Edward: “I realized how important it was for me to know her plans for the future. So I didn’t derail them. So I could shape this unlikely future into the best version to suit her.”

Bella being initially alarmed at Edward in the sun is possibly a retcon. In Twilight she did say the sight was “shocking,” but I thought it was mostly in a romantic way. But it does make sense lore-wise that she would think of him on fire at first. This is Edward’s POV, so he could just be assuming that is Bella’s alarm. Still, I wonder why Bella would skip over the extended “You aren’t repulsed by my flagrant lack of humanity?” exchange. I guess she took it for granted she wasn’t afraid????

Edward counting insects in the meadow etc. is just so…not really hilarious in context. The parodies made it seem like he was some neurodivergent nerd. In actual context he was just trying to distract himself from Bella’s scent.

“Better to see myself as the whole, bad and good, and work with the reality of it.” So mature and much better than anything else in this genre. Edward is growing and learning

“Regardless, I have better reflexes.” You’re (still) a whore, Edward. Nice to know that hasn’t changed.

#twilight #twilight renaissance #cristina reads #midnight sun #edward is so juliet capulet-coded #when you know you know #play a drinking game every time edward mentions her blue blouse #the antis trying desperately to say this book was bad is laughable #otoh the people who say it is better than twilight are also clowns too #i think both are necessary and have their own power #both have similar arcs of finding and accepting love for themselves as well as each other #overcoming their self-esteem issues #bella finds the love and acceptance she needed and edward learns humility

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startwithforever · 1 year

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currently rewatching new moon for the hundredth time and honestly? jacob was so good to bella. he was literally the only person who could pull her out of her depression. when he walks into the house at the end to check if she’s ok and she says “i thought you couldn’t protect me here” and he says “i guess i don’t care (about breaking the treaty just to make sure you’re safe)” LIKE???!!!!!! i LIVE for that shit!!

and it actually hurts to see how quick bella is to disregard/dispose of him once she realises edward may still be in the picture. when Jacob leans in to kiss her I’m yelling “Just kiss him!!!!!” like they could be so soft and warm with each other if she just moved on 😭

but then once the screen cuts to edward in rome, and the beautiful dramatic music reminds me that he’s always going to be the one, I’m like “yeah I’ve always been team Edward”

but just. new moon makes me turn to the other side. the possibility of Bella being a wolf girl entices me. the idea of her bonding with emily????? and leah??? GIVE. It. To. Me!!!!!! like the relationship she has w Emmett she could have with the wolf pack. they could be such a family

… but THEN. Bella and edwards reunion in Volterra ruins me. when edward says “i had to lie and u believed me so easily” (about not loving her) UGHHHHHH “you’re everything to me”?!?!?! their entire conversation once they move past the miscommunication????? I’m a wreck right now

#I’m like seriously flip flopping right now when ten years ago I wasn’t swayed at ALL #doesn’t help that the first two movies are my comfort movies #twilight #the twilight saga #new moon #edward Cullen #bella swan #jacob black #bella x edward #bella x jacob #truly I am switzerland #ok but lowkey I’m an Edward hoe for life #but STILL #my post

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catstack17 · 11 months

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team jacob forever - and like not even for bella bc she treated him terribly (she treated edward terribly too but that’s not this post’s point, like she chose to kiss jacob right in front of edward while she was engaged to edward- ?!?!). if given the choice between a cold vampire that initially wanted to k!ll bella when he first met her that gaslights everyone or a werewolf that’s a sweet and genuine soul that would do anything for you and is basically a personal heater (also i’m sorry but stephanie meyer was so crazy for writing something so out of character as if jacob( who was not only raised by billy black himself but also was raised by his two older sisters after their mom passed) would ever not ask for consent to kiss bella, that was so ooc for him to do, meyer literally just put that in there i’m convinced because jacob was winning over everyone’s hearts because he was the better choice and readers could tell) , i’m picking the one that actually has a heart and the one that can flirt. (new moon him makes me swoon so hard oh my-)

on top of everything else, jacob won me over by his hand placement when he did kiss bella, this man is the king of putting his hands and arms on his s/o’s waist and that’s canon. the eclipse kiss is literally a dream (bella just sucks bc why would you ever kiss anyone right in front of your soon to be husband like what) , (dw jacob i can treat you better!!)

also bella completely used jacob in new moon, for her own personal gain too- she didn’t hang out with him until edward left her and she constantly( through eclipse and the breaking dawns) uses his love for her as an advantage into getting him to do what she wants and jacob had every right to be sassy, broody and pissed off w/ her after he transforms (also he was quite literally going through a transformation mentally, physically and emotionally at this point, cut him some slack)

in conclusion, he’s my dream guy and deserves more respect and more than he was given and written (stephanie meyer why did you have to have him imprint on bella’s demon child Reebok, what was your reason???)

#team jacob #team jacob girlies RISE #cat watches twilight #edweird is canonically a creepy old grandpa #what he says to bella about caffeine is CRAZY #“i’ve been watching you sleep for months w/o your knowledge”ok stalker-#bella and edward belong together solely for the fact that they both treat others so badly #edward praising bella for not consuming bl00d as a newborn vampire but not giving rosalie credit for doing it for 80+ years is crazy #like rosalie literally murdered her 🆎users and had to drag emmet to carlisle and never consumed once #jacob black is the loml #cat reads twilight

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panlight · 2 years

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The most annoying thing about the whole 'wolves can theoretically be immortal' thing is that it's so clearly JUST for Renessmes sake. It's another I'm a long list of times the wolves are used just for Bella and Edward's narrative rather than a thing in their own right! Like, there has to be at least one wolf who decided to live long enough to see the current pack, hell she even gives us one, Taha Aki was implied to have run off and become a Wolf! And yet! This is never used in any way outside of the renesmee scenario!

Like come on, not even it being part of the angst of 'holy shit I am genuinely Not Human' meyer tries sneaking in here. Like, it is actively weird that they think of themselves as monsters the way they do considering everything, but it's even weirder potential immortality isnt a part of it.

For real, I just don’t see how they are monsters at all. Their whole purpose is to protect people FROM monsters! And they transform into giant wolves, not like, grotesque monstery wolf-men like the Children of the Moon or more Classic werewolves.

Jacob’s whole “I guess I’m not the right kind of monster for you” thing is just like, sweetie you aren’t even a monster. You don’t have Horror Hunger, you don’t go feral in wolf form, you don’t have a grotesque appearance, you just have a magical ability to take on the shape of an overly large wolf. That’s a shapeshifter, not a monster.

And yes, word, if she were going to be all “btw they are functionally immortal as long as they keep phasing!” then it should be more relevant than just ‘yay Jake and Nessie can be together forever!’ (which is something literally no one wanted. Team Jacob didn’t want him to imprint on Bella’s half vampire daughter and Team Edward certainly doesn’t want him in E/B’s life forever, either). It would be so cool if Taha Aki were still out there.

Take Sam, for example. The canon is that he was so freaked out when he phased for the first time it took him two weeks to calm down enough to return to human form. What if instead, Taha Aki or some other shapeshifter who had decided to go full time wolf was out there and found him, explained things to him, and Sam was gone for two weeks not because he couldn’t phase back, but because he lost track of time because he was so amazed by this secret history and magic he was learning from like the OG shapeshifter?

My favorite explanation of imprinting is that it exists to tie the shifters to mortality. Sam will have to stop phasing to grow old with Emily. Likewise Jared with Kim and Paul with Rachel. Without those ties, maybe more wolves would be tempted and corrupted by the potential of immortality, of superhuman abilities. They’d lose sight of their purpose (protectors) and could veer down a dark path. It’s human nature, right? Power corrupts, and being basically invincible and immortal should be a corrupting force, but the bonds of love and family keep them human so they don’t become like vampires and see themselves above the garden-variety non-shifting humans. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like imprinting as a concept and imprinting on children is still something that makes me very uncomfortable no matter how much she’s like “it’s not like that!!!” But imprinting existing to remind shifters of their innate humanity and place in the cycle of life and death makes it almost work in my head--otherwise you’d think a lot more of them would opt out of the mundane human existence to be invincible superheroes forever.

#asks

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itslenagain · 4 months

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How did I figure out I was a lesbian at 27?

Hi I'm high on cold medicine & I've had people ask me before how I figured out that I am a lesbian vs bi/pan sooo here is a long post on my journey & how I figured out I'm not actually into men!

I started out by establishing these very basic facts:

While I have had serious relationships with men, there was always an underlying feeling of discomfort surrounding those relationships that I struggled to identify

While (at that time) I had not had a serious relationship with a woman, I found that I did not feel that discomfort during past romantic and sexual encounters with women

I have always felt romantic and sexual attraction towards women (though I am definitely ace-spec, which I will discuss further below), but don't really experience those attractions towards men

I have significant relationship trauma related to previous relationships with men, and also significant childhood trauma. TRAUMA/MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT A CAUSE OF QUEERNESS! But, it was important for me to address this in my specific situation (will discuss in more detail below)

Once I had established the facts, I started to analyze a little further. One thing that was helpful for me to learn about comphet and to understand the role it played in how I viewed romantic relationships. If you've found this post because you are questioning and you're unsure about what comphet is or what it means, this article explains how comphet is taught throughout childhood and the potential consequences it may have on queer teens and adults.

Which leads us to,

Part 1: Understanding my Tragic Backstory™️

I, unfortunately like many other queer people, was raised in a very cisheteronormative home where my parents were openly transphobic and, while slightly quieter about it, homophobic. When my parents talked to me about my future, their idea of my future absolutely included me finding a man and having his children. It was almost unthinkable for them to imagine I could have any other goal in life. That was how they were raised, and in turn, that's how they raised me. I often felt like I was fighting for their approval.

I knew from my early teens that I liked girls.

(It would take me until my mid-20's to figure out that I am non-binary but that's a story for another post)

For my 13th birthday party, my friends and I rode a limo to go to see the Twilight movie in theaters, since we all were obsessed with the books. My friends were arguing over whether Edward or Jacob would be the better kisser (don't act like you weren't cringe at 13) and the whole time I could not imagine myself kissing literally any of the men in that movie. Now, Rosalie? Oh my GOD I wanted her to step on me. Alice? Please, climb on top of me and do my eyeliner. I shipped Bella and Alice, but also Bella and Bree, because of course I did. 🐀✨️

At that time in my life, I also would regularly attend Catholic mass every Sunday with my neighbor. She was like a grandmother to me, she was one of my safe spaces away from my parents. I looked up to her. We would drink coffee at her kitchen table and chat about school and about life. She taught me how to crochet. We both loved to sing and would sit in the front row together so we could be close to the piano at church. I didn't know she had any kids of her own until she told me about her daughter. She would talk about her in a way that you could tell it pained her. She told me how her daughter made a decision that disappointed her, how she prayed every Sunday that she would see the light and come back to the church.

The decision her daughter made? Marrying a woman.

So despite knowing and recognizing that I was attracted to women, knowing that not only my parents, but also this person who at the time I seriously looked up to, would likely not be accepting of me dating women, I felt like I had to hide. It also made me believe that maybe I *was* attracted to men, I just hadn't met the right one yet. Yes, I even told everyone I was Team Edward.

When I was 14, I ended up in a 3 month relationship with someone who at the time identified as a girl (has since figured out he's a trans guy) and felt ready to talk to my parents. I planned to come out to them as bisexual. They were NOT okay with this. Mom said that bisexual doesn't exist (booo) and that I wasn't allowed to be a lesbian because women could never possibly have happy relationships with each other (she does not have any long-term female friendships) and she didn't want me to have a "miserable life" (I feel sad for anyone who is miserable around women tbh).

Cue the part where I decided to try dating a man to see what it was like and ended up in a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue parents telling me that I can't base my sexuality on one bad experience! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue my neighbor telling me God was preparing a man for me and I just had to be patient and trust in the Lord to find him! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue therapists who told me I probably felt uncomfortable around men because I was traumatized and I'd eventually get over it! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue friends, family, and random strangers telling me it's okay and it's "not all men" and one day I'd find the perfect man who would "fix my broken heart!" ✨️🎉🎊

So you can see how I became confused by all of this! Part of me wanted to believe that I *could* still be attracted to men, that I *could* have a healthy relationship with one, and anytime I had doubts, I'd basically end up gaslighting myself and blaming my trauma.

Which brings us to,

Part 2: Maybe I *did* just need to meet the right man?

I did not have any positive male role models growing up. My parents' marriage was, to put it mildly, not great. It's a common thing in media to see men and women in relationships that don't even really seem to like each other! Comedians make a killing off of the "old ball & chain" type jokes. Straight people often speak of their spouses as if they're an annoyance.

So when you consider all of that, how the hell was I supposed to know what I am supposed to feel towards men?

I could talk for hours about all the negative experiences I've had with men, but when analyzing my feelings, I decided to zoom in on what was probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had with a man. I felt like that was the less biased lens to view my feelings towards men through, despite it ending in a not-so-great way.

Junior year of high school, I met a man through a mutual friend who thought we'd make a cute couple. He made me feel... less uncomfortable than most other men did. So romantic, I know. I was not attracted to him, but he was someone who I would say was definitely conventionally attractive. I wanted to give it a shot, so we started spending more time together, at first just talking in the hallway or during lunch, to eventually seeing each other outside of school.

As he and I began to open up to each other more, we discovered that we both had sexual trauma. I felt that he understood me on a level that a lot of people did not understand me at that point in my life. He said he felt that way about me, too. We formed a connection over it, and for a while, he became my safe space. We were together for almost 2 years. I honestly believe that the attention and care that he treated me with when it came to sex, when it came to our relationship, and my history, that all helped me heal parts of my trauma. I don't think I could be comfortable with sex in the way I am today without having had that safe environment he created for me. I think I would not be as comfortable in relationships as I am if it were not for him.

I still wanted to believe I was capable of being attracted to men, so I hoped that maybe with time, with him, it would happen.

It did not.

Even though I was comfortable spending time with him, and comfortable having sex with him, it still all felt a little off to me, and I couldn't understand why. It felt like there was something missing. Things were really good with us for probably the first year and a half, but got ugly towards the end. I was struggling with things inside myself and took it out on him. He cheated on me. It hurt a lot at the time, but I made my peace with it. I forgive him. I hope he forgives me.

But, the point here is, that even with a man who was seemingly "the right man," I still did not experience romantic or sexual attraction, just an emotional connection.

So then I thought,

Part 3: Well, maybe I'm just ace?

I've always had fewer crushes than my friends. They would just call me picky. I don't think being picky is a bad thing! But when I started thinking about this in terms of my romantic and sexual orientation, I started to wonder if maybe it was because I did not fall on the same end of the spectrum as they did.

Asexuality is a wide spectrum that encompasses people who don't experience sexual attraction in the way allosexual people do. There are Ace people who are completely repulsed by the idea of sex, there are Ace people who feel indifferent about it, there are Ace people who feel other types of attractions but maybe not sexual attraction, there's demisexual and graysexual and all the orientations that fall under that umbrella.

I am someone who loves sex. It's fun, it's creative. It can be casual, or it can be a way you connect yourself to another person on another level. On the other hand, I also don't think sex is 100% necessary in order to have a healthy long-term romantic relationship, and my sex drive in general is on the low side.

Through exploration, I've discovered that it's almost impossible for me to feel sexually attracted to a person that I don't have some sort of existing connection with. This probably puts me somewhere on the demisexual spectrum. However, because I have been able to form celebrity crushes (though very rare) I tend to identify myself as graysexual. The things that make me sexually attracted to someone are inconsistent. I don't really have a "type."

It took me a looong time to work out the difference between "I want sex and this person is available" and "this person specifically is who I am interested in having sex with." They sound similar! It was easy for me to confuse the two! The more that I evaluated these feelings and worked through them, I was able to fully recognize the difference; all of my sexual encounters with men fell into that first category, most of my sexual encounters with women fell into the second.

I am a person who enjoys sex, and I *can* have sex with men, but it's not really because I *want* to have sex with men. This was a very awkward discovery to make at 26 when I had been married to a man for several years. However, it helped me understand some of the dynamics of that relationship (as well as past ones) and was the gateway to me wanting to further my understanding of my sexuality.

Which got me thinking,

Part 4: What makes me want to date a person, anyways?

By the time I was thinking about this part of the question, I was about to turn 27, married to a man, we had 2 kids, I had just come out as non-binary. My husband was an okay man. We had plenty of ups and downs, just like anyone. Realizing that I wasn't sexually attracted to him was definitely rough, but I still believed that the more I thought it out and worked on myself, I'd realize that everything was okay afterall and we'd survive my minor identity crisis.

(We did not. The divorce was finalized last month.)

When I met my ex-husband, I was 19 years old and wanting desperately to get away from my family. It was an incredibly turbulent time in my life. He was 26 (I know, I'm grossed out by it now, too) and finishing up college. We worked together. The flirting started almost immediately. I liked the attention. We started dating, and 6 months in, he proposed. We got married on our 1 year dating anniversary. I still had that weird feeling that something was off, but I blamed myself and just assumed it would get better. Just for a little backstory there. I am the literal definition of "don't date a man when you're 19"

I started really thinking about the things that made me interested in dating someone. I'd never really thought much about it before. I sat down and made a chart of all of my past relationships (and even some crushes) and wrote down the things that made me want to date that person. I literally cried reading it. Full-on existential crisis. There was such a stark contrast between the things that made me want to date women vs the things that made me want to date men.

Some of the common themes when it came to my crushes/relationships with women:

Being around her makes me happy

I spend all day and all night thinking about her

She's thoughtful, I love her mind, etc

We have some common interests

She's beautiful, I could stare at her all day, I'm attracted to her, etc

She makes me want to do (insert romantic thing here)

I can imagine a future for us & it makes me want to be alive so we can have it

Sounds pretty cute, right? Like, that's what a crush should feel like! When I think about dating women, it just makes me feel so warm and I want to give her the world.

Some common themes when it came to relationships with men:

I was tired of being lonely

There was something he could provide for me that I needed (ie emotional support, attention, money etc)

Other people thought it was a good idea so I wanted to try it

He asked me out

He seems nice

Umm. Wow. Yeah. You get my point here? Note that when I tried to think of any men I had a crush on, I couldn't think of any other than Gordon Ramsey (listen I like food and I feel like that man could eat pussy like a pro)

The more I analyzed my relationships with men, the more I realized that there were a lot of.... transactional elements? Like. Yes, I can do romance with this man, as long as he pays the bills... yes, I can do sex with this man, as long as I am completely in charge of everything... whereas with women, it's not conditional. It's not "I can make myself do this for her," it's "I want to do this for her."

For a long time, I believed this was normal. But in the past few years, I've seen couples who are actually happy with each other, people in nice, stable relationships, people who love each other unconditionally, and I just thought, oh my God, *that's* what is missing for me. That's why my relationships feel off. I just kept putting myself into relationships I was not happy with or did not want.

Now I'm 29, I'm divorced, I'm out to everyone (including my family - mom has calmed down a bit, dad is still weird about it) and I am very happy with my girlfriend! I still have a long way to go in terms of healing and really fully understanding myself, but I feel like I've made so many big steps forward on that front.

Part 5: But what if you're wrong?

That's the thing - it's possible I'm wrong. Maybe I am indeed bisexual. Maybe I actually do like men, I'm just not as healed from my trauma as I think I am. Yeah, it's possible, I guess.

There's one thing I know for sure that I'm definitely not wrong about - I am gay as fuck for girls. I love women. Being around women makes me want to be alive. Being around women makes my heart feel whole. I honestly cannot for the life of me imagine myself ever dating a man again.

We all have that voice in our head that makes us doubt, that makes us feel like an imposter, that makes us think we aren't worthy. For a long time, that voice has been telling me that I am not good enough to be loved and I don't deserve to be happy. It's still there, it still tells me that sometimes. You know what though? I'm kicking its ass right now. I look at how far I've come in the past few years and I say "I have spent too long hating myself. I have spent too long trying to shove myself into boxes I don't belong in."

I am finally in a place in my life where I feel like happiness is within reach, and I'm going to keep reaching for it.

I am a lesbian. I am proud of that.

Part 6: Conclusions

I am gay as fuck for women

I love my girlfriend

You can evaluate your life at any time. It's never too late to figure out who you are.

Don't try to put yourself into a box you don't belong in to please other people

It took me 14 years to figure out what I actually wanted even though I already kinda knew. Be kind to yourself if it takes a while for you to figure it out. There's no rush

If you're here because you're questioning, I love you, you've got a friend in me, you are worthy of happiness and love, please don't settle for less

This post is brought to you by Mucinex & Sudafed brrrrrrrrrrrrrr

#lesbian #lgbtqia+#sapphic #wlw #coming out later in life #late in life lesbian #questioning #sexuality #bisexual #pansexual #self discovery #figuring out your sexuality #gay #my coming out story #coming out #enby lesbian #comphet #understanding comphet

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kwop-kilawtley · 1 year

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Hi!! <3 I barely use tumblr but I stumbled upon your blog while going thru the JxB tag and I just had to say this… Rereading Twilight as an adult is so… infuriating ? I first read the books when I was 14 and even tho I was team Edward back then I still loved Jake and I felt so weird about Bella becoming a vampire? Like, story-wise, it felt so empty and unfulfilling, even to my naive 14 yr old self. Now I’m 26 and I recently reread the books and I just can’t!!! believe!!! this!!! It reminds me so much of the way I romanticised my toxic relationships/friendships as a teen because they felt intense and crazy and they hurt so bad that it was almost good? Like that’s exactly what Bella was doing throughout the entire series and it breaks my heart that this girl never healed, never learned to love herself, and is forever mentally stuck at age 18 in her perfect little world where she got everything without any consequences. Growing older and healing from my trauma made me realise that life is the greatest gift and that I want nothing more than a happy, peaceful, sunshine type of love, the love Bella could’ve had with Jake. Rereading the JxB chapters in NM and Eclipse literally hurt because this kind of ease and warmth is all I’ve ever wanted but my trauma made me think I deserve drama and intensity and pain. It’s just so messed up I can’t believe how angry I am with this stupid teen story like!!! It had so much potential but oh well… Sorry for the rant but I feel like you’d understand what I mean. Hope you have a great day :>

EVERYTHING YOU SAID EXACTLYYYYYYY. Like I actually go INSANE because of the potential and how people don’t see it this way. I’ve been team Jacob since I’m 10 but would like go back and forth to team Switzerland. But now I’m fully team Jacob like I p much only was Switzerland bc of the nostalgia of the first book. I’ve been in abusive toxic relationships and it’s legit exactly like bxe. It may seem subtle and just bc he didn’t physically hurt her and was obsessed with her doesn’t mean it’s GOOD. It’s very very empty and sends out a horrible message to people I think. Like bella just chose the need for perfection. She didn’t fix anything it was a bandaid. JACOB WAS RIGHT THEREEEEE. And they have ACTUAL chemistry. Exb are trauma bonded. I talk about this all the time on here and it will always make me so angry but we are content in our team Jacob hive mind tbh <3 canon cannot hurt us

#anon #team jacob #ask

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angel-maybe-alive · 1 year

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Twilight worse sin is being boring

I remember back in the early 2000s when twilight was "The" book/movie franchise, it was quite like mint ice cream some love some hate and I was in the love side as I was still on k-12 when the movies where released, and surprisingly I was on a team Jacob school as I remember most of my class mates fighting for the unofficial and probably illegal sets of twilight cards they used to sell with his face on it.

As I grew older and more rebellious I started hating it because all the cool kids hated it

It's been a long time since I even thought about twilight the most I thought about it recently was that famous butterfly effect of 9/11 caused the end of Ellen DeGeneres career (of course I only knew that because it involved my chemical romance, and speaking of them the song vampire money is another twilight thing I had been thinking about)

Anyway I went to the library recently and realized that I never actually read the books to form my own opinion, so I did and my opinion is that

It's a boring book

Yeah it's also a objectively bad book, it's whiter than a kkk party and Edward is objectively a creep (he literally uses the "you are so mature for your age" line) the quilelute tribe doesn't have a big participation yet but even if I didn't knew how this would go I won't thought that they would have a good treatment

But all sins considered what surprised me is how utterly boring this book is

Maybe TikTok and fanfic burned my attention span maybe I am being judgemental but this book was a snooze

There are no stakes (pun intended)

Because Meyer's vampire's have to be objectively good angels (literally she calls Edward that in the end) it robs the story of the easiest and more attractive concept of vampire romance which is the erotic yet sinful concept of blood drinking

Edward keeps repeating over and over again how dangerous and tortured he is and yet he does nothing objectively evil(recognized by the text, again he is creepy)

To pair with Edward I'm evil but not really vibes we have bella who only reaction to anything is polite interest or overtly distaste, she is the live embodiment of IDGAF but not on a ironic way more on a disassociating way

Ad this combination creatures two annoying ass characters Edward makes a big deal of anything he does and bella just reacts with interest but not excitement

Also by the fifth or sixth time bella described Edward's beauty I was ready to throw this book at a wall, this is what you get when your characters have the depth of a tea spoon you have to hammer over and over again about their hotness so the reader won't think about how again he has nothing else going on .

We could've had a conflict about loving a creature who kills to live, but he doesn't kill he eats animals, or loving something so much older than the character, but bella is mature for her age, or is him doing all this to get a lunch but Edward refuses to even consider taking a sip

So we have pages and more pages of nothing and then some action right in the end but you have to go through the boring parts

It's a boring book

I'm not good at ratings but this book is a solid 3/5 for me good concept shitty execution go read any other vampire media at least there's horny blood drinking

#twilight #again this is just for me #its not that bad #but it aint good either #but it gets worse when we realize this is the patient zero of all bullshit love triangles #stephanie meyer #anti Stephenie meyer #i guess

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cherienymphe · 1 year

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I think so far Im team rafe. I will say that under rafes circumstances, I think people are being too hard on him. As someone with friends with addictions, addiction isnt a linear process. Addicts can feel terrible in the moment and say they'll stop and MEAN it, but putting it into practice and breaking years long habits are two different things. Let alone how the body reacts when you try to wean it off something it thinks it needs now. The reader doesn't owe him anything, especially when he put her own life on the line. But to say hes not worth that effort (not saying you said this. just anons in general) is kinda hurtful and unrealistic. This story was written so realistically, his struggles and her determination to see him through them is admirable. You can tell he wants to be better, and that tiny glimpse of self awareness is what can eventually lead an addict to push themselves, no matter how slow the process. And then theres JJ, who never realized how beautiful the reader was because he never saw her as a woman until it was too late. I feel for him but at the same time I dont. She was right there and you fumbled the bag. I like a man who knows what he wants and isnt indecisive about it or acts like a kid who got his favorite toy taken away. Though i do love me a good corruption arc 😇

ALSO the little stand off between jj and rafe after the car accident reminded me of the stand off between edward and jacob after bella broke her hand. it was so tense and nostalgic and reminded me how much i love reading

Not twilight striking again! But yes I do think Rafe's self awareness does count for something even if it's not much. You're thinking like the reader because the drugs are literally a crutch for him. It's a bad coping mechanism for sure but it adds more grey area to it. I think it's easy to see Rafe for his potential in this fic rather than what he currently is because it's like hey he's trying right? But the same goes for JJ because hypothetically speaking, if the reader was with JJ, she would not be dealing with any of this. But that's the potential of JJ and not what he currently is and sexual assault aside, JJ is absolutely guilty of not appreciating what's right in front of you until it's gone. It's easy to have a you snooze you lose attitude about him

#asks

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mermaidsirennikita · 2 years

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Hi! What’re your thoughts on the vampire academy trailer?

Sooooo I have a lot of concerns about this lol

The trailer in general doesn't look great. I'm not going to judge anyone's acting because there was pretty little to judge it off of; a lot of action shots, very little lines. And tbh, I can see fans dogpiling on Sisi as Rose from spaaace and like... I don't think that has... fuck all to do with her acting. But in general, the trailer looks like a pretty dry, dated, 2008-2010 era moment. Like when people were trying to copy Twilight but make it more of a "world" and "actiony" because they thought that this!!! Would get them the asses in the seats!!! Kissing vampires sure but also ACTION!!!! FOR THE BOYS!!!

When, speaking as a hardcore Twihard from back in the day, nobody gave a fuck about the action. Twilight was successful because it gave the teen girls (and some boys and nbs) what they wanted--forbidden love, guys with their shirts off professing their undying devotion, boys fights over a self insert, and of course, the MASSSSIIIIIIVE virginity tension, both literal and metaphorical. Like, our girlhoods were trembling, and not for the meager action sequences. And few people got this, which is why shit like The Mortal Instruments flopped, and many YA follow ups that tried to go BIGGER! BIGGER!!!!! have had less of a lasting pop cultural impact (see: The Hunger Games movies--everybody and their mom knows Team Edward versus Team Jacob, but the pool of people who know Peeta and Gale beyond "the Josh Hutcherson one and the Liam Hemsworth one" is more limited).

So yeah, it looks very dated on that front. And to be fucking frank--I read all those books, and the Adrian/Sydney spinoff series. I wasn't picking all that shit up for the action. The fighting added stakes, but everyone was hanging on for the relationships. It's that fucking simple, and I wish more people got that.

But I'm also concerned because Julie Plec can't run a show to save her life, picks (usually white) actors to favor, and is honestly pretty fucking racist and a protector of right wingers like Matt Davis, which makes me think she is probably lowkey or highkey a sympathizer. So I'm super worried about how she's going to handle this. I fucking know she's gonna promote this show expecting a pat on the back because Sisi is playing Rose, Andre is playing Christian, etc. I'm for that myself. But do I think Julie Plec will sensitively navigate Rose being Black instead of white? Lmao no. Tbh, Rose does play what is really an explicitly, societally subservient role to Lissa. While I honestly don't know exactly how Daniela identifies beyond being Venezuelan (and Google has not given me anything), she's at minimum white passing in a way that Sisi never could be; so watching Sisi play a guard who's supposed to lay down her life for this princess is like...? Not great to me? Shades of Bonnie being expected to lay her life down for Elena and Caroline and Damon and everyone?

But also, to be frank, the books succeeded in a way that I honestly think people would be up in arms about today, and I don't really know how that hurdle is going to be covered. A part of the big appeal of that original series was shipping--and Rose/Dimitri was very popular (a ship I totally supported, lol). In the wake of Buffy/Angel it wasn't like... as weird, I think? But Rose was 17, he was 24!!!! Literally her teacher!!! And like, I think we'd be fucking lying if we said that the taboo element wasn't part of what kept us hanging on. You can't do that today. Fuck, you really probably can't do the "Adrian and Sydney get married even though she's like all of 18" shit from the spin off books either.

It's just. I don't know. I feel like the time to adapt the series has passed, they tried it already, and if it was going to happen everyone would probably need to be real cool with some shit I know they aren't cool about, and also get rid of Plec.

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lebenspurpur · 2 years

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hi ! may i request the sinclair brothers (or all slashers if u want lol) with an s/o who forces them to watch all the twilight movies 😼 please and thank u 😸

AN: I've only watched the first part (died of cringe whenever I attempted the other ones) so bear with my minimal knowledge

Warning: hinted NSFW in Bo's, pretty short, only did the Sinclairs hehe

Vincent Sinclair

So you forced him to watch a movie with you which doesn't happen very often. Vincent works a lot and when he does relax, you usually take him for walks so he sees the sun at least once a week.

Your legs are on his lap, he's comfortably snuggled up next to you and you turn on Twilight.

He's so into it.

I see Vincent as someone who loves gothic stuff, dark art, vampires, and all that stuff.

Therefore, he knows that Twilight is not a good movie really, but he loves the vibes and the cinematography so much.

He really, really wants to be team Jacob but he ends up being team Edward. You tease him for it and he throws a pillow after you. Which really loses its effect because he immediately asks if he hurt you after he does it.

However, Vincent is an awkward person when it comes to socialization. So, watching Bella scenes is pure horror for him. At some point, he's hiding his face in his hands, unable to take it anymore.

Don't be surprised when he makes the characters out of wax.

'Y/N don't look at me like that, they fit into this town.'

You could really say he's inspired.

Regardless, please watch better vampire movies with him. If he's this smitten while watching Twilight, he'll go insane when he'll see Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Bo Sinclair

The fuck is this.

He thought he was sitting down with you, relaxing to one of the sappy romance movies he sees on TV every evening just to seduce you in the middle of it so he doesn't have to watch any more of it.

But this? He didn't prepare for this.

Bo really hates it. He hates the cast, he hates the plot, he hates the romance, he hates that the movie's for teens.

However, he loses his shit whenever Bella does anything. Literally. He's sitting there wheezing whenever she's awkward (which is always), coughing from how hard he's laughing.

"God damn, this movie's a piece of shit."

After you're done watching he pretends to hate it but he keeps quoting it weeks after you two watched it. And he cracks up every time.

Bo also tells his brothers so now you have to watch it again with the whole family.

So yeah, watch more bad movies with him, he loves to make fun of them.

Lester Sinclair

"You sure this is the right movie?" "Aight, if you say so."

He's confused but he's trying to stay supportive.

It takes Lester a little while to realize that you know the movie sucks, and you want to watch it anyway. That lessens his confusion and now he even cracks jokes about the plot to make you laugh.

He's into the love story and rooting for Jacob.

And then really angered when Edward wins.

It's really funny to watch him get more and more into it and by the end of the movie he acts like he's watching a football game.

The acting doesn't bother him s much as it does his brothers. He thinks it makes it even more hilarious. I feel like he already watched movies with bad acting in his free time because he really doesn't care.

He's the only brother who wants to watch the other parts following the first one. He's also the only brother who voluntarily watches romance movies with you.

I see him as a pretty romantic person and I also think he'd get emotional at sad love movies.

#lester sinclair #bo sinclair #vincent sinclair #slashers #slasher x reader #bo sinclair x reader #bo sinclair imagine #house of wax 2005 #house of wax #lester sinclair x reader #vincent sinclair x reader #vincent sinclair x you #vincent sinclair imagine #lester sinclair imagine #horror #HOW #HOW 2005 #how 2005 #twilight

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imasorenson · 2 years

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What they gifted as a secretsanta (Fablehaven 2021 edition) :

here is my annual secret santa at fablehaven!! 3 years going strong, i hope you’ll like it !!

kendra : she got warren and gave him two tickets to go parachute jumping and a cooking book ( and i quote ) because « eating grilled cheese everyday is not healthy, not even when you had brocolis warren, you’re supposed to be an adult ». she also went over the budget by buying him a first aid kit, cause he’s always doing something stupid.

seth : he got vanessa (again, he gets her every single year it’s like a running gag) and he gave her twilight merchs but it was team jacob, since last year he gave her a mug and a tshirt team edward. ruth got mad at him so he also bought tea and things to make coffee for the actual gift.

warren : he got bracken and he went all in, he bought matching hoodies for him and bracken with bromance written on the back, he made a mug with his own face all over it and he bought matching bffs necklaces because he couldn’t stop laughing at the thought of them wearing the cheap necklaces together (of course bracken started to wear it instantly).

vanessa : she got mara and she was so excited to get her because vanessa thinks mara is a fashion icon, she bought her jackets, pants, hats, everything she thought would fit her aesthetic. literally everyone wishes vanessa picked them because she never follows the budget limit, she loves buying personal gifts way too much. mara was really excited to try everything on.

bracken : he got kendra and he got so stressed about what to buy her, she always makes amazing gifts so he wanted to be up to her expectations. he managed to find a creative way to spend time with her and make her happy. he made a box full of cozy things, like socks, things to make hot chocolate, candy, popcorn, blankets, etc. and he explained her that it was for a movie night that he had plan, they would watch a movie outside with little lights and a projector. kendra’s favorite movie is lord of the rings, so he of course told her they would watch that (the extended edition).

ruth : she got stan, she took the occasion to bought him things he never take the time to buy. he always says he’s fine and he doesn’t need it (which is not true). so ruth bought him new boots, new shirts (without holes in them cause she literally can’t look at the ones he’s wearing anymore cause she gets annoyed), and a new set of kitchen stoves so he can make pancakes in pretty ones.

tanu : he got seth and tanu was actually really happy to get him. he already knew what he wanted to give him and he really hoped seth would like the idea. he made him his own « potion master starter pack » and promised him to teach him the basics of it, seth was so exited that he wanted to start right away.

mara : she got tanu, mara is very thoughtful and she always listen to what people tell her, so she bought gifts tanu talked about in the past (like socks, a water bottle, etc) she even went on a special mission to get him things that he needed for his potions. he was so happy that he almost cried.

stan : he got ruth and stan is surprisingly really good at wrapping gifts, but he’s the worst at finding them. he asked the help of kendra and she told him books her grandmother wanted (she didn’t expect him to buy them all but he did), ruth recieved so many books that she could create a whole new library with them.

dale : he got trask, when they gave each other their gifts it was actually hilarious, everyone was trying to hold back their laughters, because dale and trask barely know each other and they’re both pretty reserved people, and for some reason they gave each other the exact same gifts, which they both loved, they talked about their gifts the whole night and realized they had many things in common. the gifts in question were a whole set of cds by their favorite band and some headphones of really good quality.

trask : he got dale and like i said, they both bounded with their love for music.

#fablehaven #dragonwatch #kendrasorenson #warrenburgess #bracken #vanessasantoro #brackendra #seth sorenson #stan sorenson #ruth burgess #mara tabares #tanugatoa dufu #trask #dale burgess #warren burgess #kendra sorenson #sethsorenson

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cto10121 · 7 months

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Twilight Clownery—Part 2

In the guise of a personal essay on OP’s relationships with toxic men, at that. Honestly, the whole thing is so loosely conceived it just sounds like a parody of anti-Twilight clownery. Let’s get to it.

Already we have Bullshit #1. Although Team Jacob had its passionate adherents, Team Edward was definitely the most popular by a large margin. OP may have ~lucked out by having Team Jacob fans as her friends, but I was there. I remember the discourse, the fanfiction, the ~atmosphere. Most everyone was Team Edward.

Nowadays Jacob—the “healthy” choice—is mostly lambasted for his assault on Bella and his manipulation into kissing him. So already this essay and its ~Team Bella conclusion is several years outdated.

Tag yourself, I’m “reinforced his being a man.” 😂Also, “abstracted danger”—literally nomadic vampires and a whole-ass vampire royal family. Also, also, Edward considers himself a danger as well.

Charismatic and everyone despised them. That is some hot ice and wondrous strange snow right there. The quality of the prose here is truly ~~stunning.

Considering that Rosalie canonically hated Bella for 1) Edward liking her and 2) for Bella wanting to be a vampire and not choosing humanity like she would (*foot stomp*) and viewed her as a baby incubator in Breaking Dawn to the point of Jacob and Edward both calling her out for it in disgust…she is perhaps not the best character to use as a grand metaphor for your sapphic desires, Clown OP.

At this point I’m not at all convinced that Clown OP even watched the movies. This was in Eclipse, and Edward didn’t deflate the tires of her Chevy; he removed the stereo. Nor did he forbid her to leave the house, only not to see Jacob or the werewolves. And homeboy literally just gave up after Bella’s toothless “grizzly bears” threat.

This is toxic, all right, and I’m not referring to Twilight. Seriously, wtf? Being heartbroken after a major breakup with someone you love is one of the most realistic parts of the whole series. It’s so real it’s frankly basic. Even Clown OP was appalled, lol.

The movies may have been godawful adaptations, but the fact that they depicted Bella’s heartbreak is not one of them. Had Meyer made Bella move on after a month or two with Jacob or a new beau, I would have called bullshit. Bella was so in love with Edward—he did save her life three times and stopped himself from draining her dry in the process—that no other response would have been plausible.

As if Jacob didn’t show “toxic” behaviors the fandom is in continual pearl-clutching over, to the extent of making the incredibly asinine fanon that Meyer purposefully “ruined” his character in Eclipse. Also, Clown OP unironically thinking that basic-ass compliment is “queer” is clownery of a very different kind.

…Doesn’t Bella actually attribute some of these traits to Edward? In Eclipse? Maybe not all of them, but most? I don’t think Clown OP is not making the point she thinks she is making.

One of these days I will make a whole-ass post about this whole notion of reading characters as role models. There are truly people out there who read all fiction as medieval morality plays for actual instruction, and Clown OP is almost certainly one of them.

This is going to sound super wild, I know, but did Clown OP ever consider—just once—that Meyer may be doing this very much on purpose? That throughout the book Edward gets to know Bella and begins to like her as a person? That the whole metaphor of bloodlust isn’t so much carnal lust but dark impulses of (patriarchal?) violence and lack of empathy? That the the whole point of the book is to see Edward develop from an arrogant vampire to a boy in love struggling on being completely out of his element? Did Clown OP ever think of it or did she just want to talk about her awful experiences with men through very hazy memories of watching the first Twilight movie?

(Also, not to be mean or anything, but Clown OP criticizing Meyer’s prose…don’t go throwing stones in a glass house, hon. I’m just saying).

#twilight #twilight clownery #twilight clown takes #preserve me #and ofc the journal’s editors did not catch OP’s errors #it’s not twilight that is toxic it’s OP’s attitude #and her friends clearly #twilight hate dumb #edward hate dumb #also what’s with that granola bar simile????#edward definitely goes into rhapsodies about her scent

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troquantary · 3 years

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Cutting Hair as Punishment in the Twilight Saga

Okay, I’ve been trying to organize my thoughts around this into a sort-of-essay format for a while, because I find it disturbingly mean-spirited: Meyer has a pattern of using hair-cutting as a form of punishment for characters, especially female characters, who fail to embrace Bella and the Cullens with open arms. I’m talking particularly about Leah and Lauren, both of whom, while not outright antagonists like Victoria or James, are situated along with Rosalie as “against” Bella throughout the series. The Quileute pack, meanwhile, is situated largely “against” the Cullens, meaning Jacob and the rest of the pack get the Haircut of Shame, too.

(Also, I’ve been creeping through @panlight ‘s blog because I thought she had a recent post relating to this -- I was probably thinking of this submission and her addendum, which does discuss Meyer’s “punishment” of certain characters, but that post was about characters suffering for not waiting for True Love, or daring to do the Devil’s Tango before marriage. Still, it’s on-theme and very much worth reading, like all her stuff!)

So here’s the general outline: first I’m gonna talk about the shapeshifters and how their overall lack of choice frames cutting their hair as something forced on them and therefore punitive. Then I’m going to discuss Meyer’s FAQ response where she reveals that Lauren was tricked into cutting off most of her hair over the summer before New Moon, and how this adds an extra fun misogynistic element to the hair-cutting theme with respect to Lauren and Leah. I also use way too many words to do it, sorry.

Punishment | The Shapeshifters Are Given No Other Option

I don’t have the background or knowledge to discuss the significance of long hair to indigenous culture and identity in detail, and my understanding is that different tribes ascribe different meanings to it. What I’ve read it about it suggests that, generally, long hair represents strength of one’s individual spirit and of the community. It’s a source of pride, and is only cut off voluntarily in extraordinary circumstances, often as an expression of grief, or to mark a significant life change.

This sort of works in the context of the shapeshifters all cutting their hair -- phasing into a giant wolf, discovering the existence of the supernatural, and assuming the role of protectors is a major life event for these characters. But the negative associations make it a troubling choice on Meyer’s part, and that’s without even getting into the problem of her imposing her own worldbuilding onto the legends and culture of a real tribe. Because of the lack of choice involved in becoming a shapeshifter, the whole situation feels like a scenario in which the Quileute characters have their hair forcibly cut -- a degrading and traumatic act that (depending on their particular tribal belief) might symbolically sever them from their sense of cultural identity and connection with the rest of their tribe.

It all kind of begs the question: why does Meyer even have shapeshifting work this way? What narrative utility is there in having the length of their hair in human form determine the length of their fur as wolves, thereby compelling the shapeshifters to cut it so it isn’t a physical impediment? It’s another sign of the changes in Jacob, sure, but he’s already being uncharacteristically cold and distant, plus suddenly has the physique of a fit twenty-five-year-old; Bella already knows something’s very wrong. His short hair is just another jarring thing for Bella to notice and mourn, like the loss of Jacob’s “baby face” and general sunniness.

It does work as a symbolic thing, representing another sacrifice Jacob has to make and the change in how he now has to perceive himself -- but he’s already got a literal giant wolf form to represent that change in identity/self-perception. Forcing him to cut his hair too just feels like piling on. My argument here, which I hope will be supported when I discuss Lauren and Leah further in, is that it’s not just piling on, but actively punitive -- because much like Leah and Lauren are “against” Bella, the pack at large is “against” the Cullens pretty much through the end of the series.

The Quileute pack is definitely not a Cullen fanclub. The entire purpose of their existence is to destroy vampires, and the truce they have with the Cullens isn’t friendly. They still don’t particularly like or trust the Cullens even after allying with them in Eclipse, and in Breaking Dawn Sam is fully prepared to go to war against them to enforce the treaty. Bella expresses frustration with Jacob and the pack for not appreciating the Cullens more, yet is curiously less willing to scold Alice, Edward, or Rosalie when they call the Quileutes dogs and complain about their smell. (I think she might reprimand Edward for it at some point, but I don’t remember the exact passage.) Bella even starts throwing around “dog” and “mutt” as an insult herself -- I think we know whose side ol’ “Switzerland” is on, here, and whose side Meyer is on as well. The Quileutes aren’t exactly enemies, and in fact are crucial to the Cullens’ survival in both the newborn and Volutri conflicts, but they’re punished nonetheless because they aren’t wholeheartedly Team Cullen from the get-go.

So to explain why I’m so convinced that there’s a link between hair-cutting and punishment in particular, let’s talk about Lauren. There’s a definite gendered element to it this time, too -- by being tricked into cutting her hair, Lauren isn’t just diminished/shamed, but rendered (*thunderclap*) unfeminine.

Lauren Was Rude To Bella Like Twice, Let’s Humiliate Her

I think Meyer’s answer to the question “What happened to Lauren’s hair?” on her FAQ page speaks for itself:

Ha ha. I had fun imagining this one—I only wished that it had fit into the book somewhere. Lauren fell victim to the “model discovered in the mall” scam. An alleged modeling agent approached Lauren in a mall in Victoria, B.C., and told her she was a natural model. Lauren ate it up. The agent told her that if she did something edgy with her hair, and took some high quality head shots, her future was assured. Lauren followed the instructions—dropping fifteen grand on the pictures taken by the agent’s partner—and waited for her career to begin. She’s still waiting. Snort.

It’s pretty obvious that this was done spitefully. Here’s the list of Lauren’s crimes against humanity Bella at this point in the series: 1) she was jealous of the attention Bella was getting as the new girl; 2) she talked behind Bella’s back once, saying Bella might as well just sit with the Cullens now (and she isn’t wrong); 3) she eyed Bella “scornfully” the day of the La Push beach trip; and perhaps most damningly, 4) she’s blonde.

Post-haircut, she has the gall not to be thrilled that Bella’s deigning to speak to the lowly non-Cullens again, then sides with Jessica after Bella uses Jessica to make a point to her dad, is shitty company, and then risks getting them both raped and murdered in Port Angeles so she could get off on her hallucination of Edward’s voice.

I think it’s pretty common knowledge that long hair is tied to patriarchal notions of femininity and attractiveness. Women with short hair are still derided for being ugly, or assumed to be lesbians in a derogatory sense, or simply considered less feminine and therefore less desirable/worthy (because a woman’s worth depends on her desirability, after all). For many women and girls, losing their long hair -- whether because of illness, or gum getting stuck in it, or whatever -- is very upsetting and a hard blow to their self-esteem. Just look at Alice as an example of Traumatic Short Hair; her hair was shorn like that because she received electroshock “treatments” in an asylum. (Although in Alice’s case, I don’t think her having short hair is punishment, but a facet of the traumatic backstory all female characters in Twilight have to have for some reason. Plus, she started the series with short hair, which distinguishes her from the pack and Lauren, who were tricked or compelled into cutting their long hair during the series.)

But Lauren’s so bitchy, so she deserves it, right? Ha ha, she was mean to Bella and cared about her appearance too much, so now she’s ~ugly!

Leah Has It the Worst and It Makes Me Want To Burn Everything

The misogynistic aspect of hair-cutting as punishment is taken up to like, twelve with Leah. Not only does she suffer for being “against” the Cullens along with the rest of the pack (and Bella, too, so extra sinning), but she suffers uniquely for being the only female shapeshifter. A bunch of teenage boys regularly see her naked body against her will. Her previously devoted boyfriend imprints on her cousin/best friend, Sam dumps her and can’t even explain why, and the whole pack -- including her own brother -- resents her for being upset about it, even though she can’t help the lack of mental privacy. Because of that same lack of mental privacy, she has to hear every gripe the boys have about her, plus every enthralled thought Sam has about Emily while she’s still deeply wounded by their breakup.

She blames herself for her dad’s death, because she phased at the wrong time. We don’t get any indication that her fellow shapeshifters or the elders are trying to reassure her otherwise.

And of course, because she’s a shapeshifter, she has to cut her hair. In addition, because Leah’s a woman, this has the same misogynistic connotations as it did with Lauren. In Leah’s case, though, the de-feminization is compounded by her sudden infertility. It’s clear that Leah attaches her sense of womanhood to her fertility, rightly or wrongly -- she bitterly calls herself a “genetic dead end” in Breaking Dawn and thinks of herself as a freak. She feels like there must be something wrong with her, some un-womanly flaw, that made her one of the shapeshifters at all.

Then, just when Jacob starts to see her as a human being worthy of compassion, he imprints on Renesmee and doesn’t give a shit about anyone or anything else anymore. No more bonding with Leah, no blooming friendship to help her heal and come to terms with the new realities of her life. (This is one of those dropped threads that aggravate me to no end -- what was the point of having Leah opening up to Jacob, or starting Jacob on the path of realizing he was being a dick to her this whole time and that she’s a person with value, if he was just going to spend the rest of the book as Renesmee’s love-zombie and never think about it again? Disgusting.)

Leah was a lot more forgiving of Jacob than he deserved at that point in the story, for all the good it did her -- I think she’s mentioned maybe once in Book 3 of Breaking Dawn. At least she got her god-tier moment of yelling at a deranged, pregnant Bella Swan.

Speaking of Bella...

I’m just going to note, for no particular reason, that in Breaking Dawn we get to hear explicitly that Bella’s got hair that falls “almost to her waist” and that she looks like “a freaking supermodel” because she’s so “beautiful and pale.” It just strikes me as a telling contrast at this point.

#twilight renaissance #i stared too long and the twilight abyss gazed back #leah clearwater #lauren mallory #jacob black #the wolf pack #long post #i felt myself getting petty about bella okay -- i'm aware it's happening but i have no self control #i also know i sidestepped the racial element to this and it's because i don't feel qualified to speak on it #so any additions from more knowledgeable people on that score are much appreciated

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wowbright · 2 years

Text

Fic: Flirting with Danger

Tan Hands and Tan Lines Sophisticated Word Challenge 2021: zealot

Words: 2850 words

Rating: Teen and up

Summary: The day-to-day work of proselytizing can be grueling. But talking about vampires and the nonexistence of hell can help lighten the mood. As can using your charm to interest two giggly girls in spiritual matters.

I’m belatedly going through the prompts for The Tan Hands and Tan Lines Summer Event 2021 to flesh out my Mormon!Klaine universe. This one takes place after Of Good Report and before Transparent.

My Mormon!Klaine Masterpost.

Notes: This ones a bit of a cheat. I wrote most of it a year ago but never posted. Wanted to get it in the timeline now for my own reasons. Also: A “transfer” is when a missionary gets assigned to a new companion (or reassigned to the same companion). It also refers to the period of time between transfers—about six weeks, on average. Dolcezza is Sugar and Harmonie is Harmony from Glee. If you have any questions or typo corrections, feel free to use my ask box!

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They had no appointments on Wednesday. So after prayer, looking at maps, and more prayer, they decided to go to the campus of the Catholic technical school in hopes of interesting students in talking about the church. There weren't many people about when they arrived, but Elder Hummel had tracted there before and said there would be a rush soon. He chattered energetically in German as he oriented Blaine to the location, pointing out the exact line between campus and the public right of way. “Pretend you’re a vampire,” he said. “Stay on this side unless a student invites us in. Not that we've ever gotten complaints. But no reason to start now.”

Blaine was tickled. He’d never heard missionaries compared to vampires before—at least not by a church member. He was surprised how much it made sense. “That’s a unique way to remember it,” he said.

“I had an unfortunate obsession with the works of Stephenie Meyers when I was younger. She was a gateway to all things vampire.”

“Why unfortunate? I loved those books.”

Elder Hummel quirked a single eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yeah. They were so romantic. Finding your one true love, defeating all the odds, eternal marriage …”

“Aah, well. The problem is, I’m Team Jacob. I could never forgive her for marrying Bella off to Edward.”

“But they were destined for each other!”

“Edward Cullen was a stalker.”

“Well, yeah, if you take it literally. But Twilight’s a fantasy. A vampire can’t be expected to act like a human should. Everything got exaggerated for the story.”

“You seem like too much of a gentleman to tolerate stalking,” Elder Hummel said, placing a stack of flyers in Blaine’s hands.

“I am. But it wasn’t stalking in Twilight because it was part of the whole metaphor that Stephenie Meyer built to convey the spiritual intensity of celestial marriage. I mean, if she’d just said, ‘there was this girl named Bella and she met a Mormon named Edward and they loved each other so much that they decide to get married for all eternity in the temple,’ who would have read that but members? This way, with all the metaphors, it becomes a subtle tool for sharing the gospel.”

“Well, Twilight certainly didn’t help me adhere to the gospel.”

“Oh?”

Elder Hummel looked suddenly flustered. “I wasn’t only Team Jacob because I thought he was better for Bella. Of course, that was part of it, but—” He bit his bottom lip as a flush spread across his cheeks. “Never mind. I don't know why we're talking about this.”

“Because missionaries are like vampires and can't cross the threshold unless invited in,” Blaine said, pointing to the edge of the sidewalk. “And you have to finish that thought because otherwise I'll be wondering all day what you were going to say, and I won't be able to concentrate on proselytizing.” It was true. Something about Elder Hummel’s blush made everything feel urgent in a way that made it hard for Blaine to think about anything else.

“Fine.” Elder Hummel glared at him, but there was no heat behind it. “I was only going to say that I may have had a crush on Taylor Lautner.” He ducked his face toward the sidewalk. “It’s silly.”

An image of Taylor Lautner from one of the movie posters flashed into Blaine’s head. His T-shirt stretched tightly over his muscular chest and biceps as he gazed at the camera, his brown eyes so intent on finding their target that they seemed to pierce the veil between subject and viewer. The thought almost gave him chills. “That’s not silly,” Blaine said. “He's a good-looking guy.”

Elder Hummel flushed again. “That's not how you're supposed to respond to information like that.”

“No? What should I have said?”

“I don't know. Keep my eyes on God?”

“You can keep your eyes on God and other people at the same time. I mean, how do you think anybody ever ends up married?”

“You are really something else, Elder Anderson.”

“Can I take that as a compliment?”

“If you must.”

“Thanks. Can I also use that vampire line with my future companions?”

Elder Hummel gave a sheepish smile. “I’m pretty proud of that one. You have my permission to use it with your future companions.”

Their goal for the day was to get people talking to them any way they could. They had flyers about their English conversation group and the sisters’ smoking recovery group, and clipboards filled with copies of a short survey about religion and ethics that provided an opening for talking about the gospel.

It was a sunny day and, while the campus appeared nearly abandoned at first, soon classes let out and people poured from the buildings. Blaine managed to hand out several flyers about the English group, and a woman who was speed-smoking a cigarette outside the library seemed more amused than annoyed when he handed her a flyer about the smokers group. But he couldn't get anyone to talk about the church. The problem was, they all seemed in a hurry to get somewhere else. Even the smoker, who he thought would have been a sitting duck while she finished her cigarette, said she had to get going. “Thanks for the reminder that I should stop,” she said, extinguishing her cigarette before even half of it had burnt away. “I probably won't join your group, but you're an angel.”

The rejection was disappointing, but at least she had called him an angel. He sometimes daydreamed about being a real angel one day, spending the time between his death and resurrection ministering to people who still lived on the earth. Her words were a reminder that he could minister that same way during his life, too.

The wave of people subsided to a trickle, and then to no one. Blaine walked over to Elder Hummel. “What now? Do we move to somewhere more productive?”

Elder Hummel laughed. “No place in Ingolstadt is productive.”

Blaine hadn’t expected that from Elder Hummel. He was a go-getter, with such strong faith. “There's got to be. Otherwise they wouldn't send missionaries here.”

“Doch,” Elder Hummel insisted, using a useful little word that meant something like ‘on the contrary’. “There's no place in Ingolstadt that's productive. But there are souls that will be. It's just a matter of finding the people who need our message, and they could be anywhere. The Spirit answered our prayers this morning by guiding us here, so here's where we’ll stay unless we get another message.”

The logic was sound. And, as if in answer to those very prayers, the library door opened. A young man with a friendly, round belly and thinning blond hair bounded down the steps and, upon seeing Blaine, smiled. Coming from the east, Blaine wasn't used to Germans randomly smiling at strangers. He took the man's smile as a sign. On an impulse, he decided to switch tactics from promoting the English group to the real meat. “Grüß Gott!" Blaine started. He loved how the southern German phrase for helloevolved from a sentence that literally meant May God bless you. "We’re doing a survey about religious beliefs. I was wondering—"

The man's smile abruptly dropped into a frown. "I don’t waste my time with zealots." He quickened his pace and disappeared down the sidewalk.

Blaine sighed. “He attends a Catholic school that probably has a crucifix in every classroom, and he calls us zealots?”

Elder Hummel nudged his elbow. “Don’t let it get to you, Elder Anderson. It's a state religion. People belong, but they don't necessarily believe. Just be thankful Germans are so straightforward. If they don't want to hear what you have to say, they tell you. It saves time and embarrassment. I'll miss that directness when I go home.”

Blaine felt a pang at those words. Why was Elder Hummel already thinking about going home? It was still two transfers away. Did Blaine bore him that much?

No. Blaine was being silly. Missionaries came and went all the time. That's just how it was. One day you were living in Leipzig, finally getting used to people’s accents and the bus schedule and your companion’s odd obsession with his own reflection, and the next thing you knew, you were being ferried off to Dresden with a new companion and a new map to memorize and new investigators to befriend. Missions had an impermanence about them that was meant to reflect life as a whole, to remind you that everything was temporary and didn’t matter in the long run, as long as you stayed devoted to the gospel.

Still …

“You’re not supposed to be thinking about going home already, Elder Hummel,” Blaine said. “You’ve got some time before you die.” As soon as the verb slipped from his mouth, Blaine wanted to kick himself. When he’d entered his mission, he’d sworn he would never adopt the more distasteful and insensitive bits of missionary lingo—like dying for completing your mission and getting pregnant for training new missionaries (because new missionaries are babies, get it?)—but here he was, doing just that. And to Elder Hummel of all people, who’d already lost two close family members to actual death.

But Elder Hummel took it in stride. He countered with some lingo of his own. “Don’t worry. I won't get trunky on you. I just know the future will come eventually.”

Trunky meant metaphorically packing your trunk before it was time. Missions were the best two years of your life, but they were also long, arduous, and full of unproductive stretches like the one Blaine and Elder Hummel were currently experiencing, fruitlessly trying to get random people on the street interested in the gospel. Even the best missionaries tended to get trunky toward the end of their service. Blaine fully expected to.

“So you’re not looking forward to going home?” Blaine said.

Elder Hummel scrutinized Blaine, his lips pursing into a frown that Blaine would have mistaken for an intentionally sexy, kittenish pout if he’d seen it on a model in a fashion magazine. It made Blaine feel both eager and nervous for whatever his companion was going to say. “So I’m damned if I want to go home, Elder Anderson, and damned if I don’t?”

Oh. Is that how his question had come across? “That’s not what I meant,” Blaine said. “I’m just … trying to get to know you. See how you tick.”

Elder Hummel’s frown turned into a barely perceptible smile. “So I’m a clock? And you just have to take out the gears and cogs and put them back together to understand me?”

“No,” Blaine said. “You’re a divine mystery.”

Elder Hummel didn’t exactly roll his eyes. It was more like he swayed them to the side and held them there, as if his eyes were a baseball bat and he could deflect any praise off the field with a bunt.

“Everyone’s a divine mystery. But I’d like to get to know this one in particular. You’re my companion. So … how do you feel about going home?”

Elder Hummel looked around them, perhaps hoping that someone would walk into view and he could chase them down with a flyer instead of answering the question. But there was no one on the public side of their vampire line, or in greeting distance on the opposite side. He sighed and shrugged one shoulder. “Honestly? I don't know. I really like the routine of the mission. I think it will be hard to adjust. But it will be nice to wear brooches again, and maybe join an acapella group, and listen to music that’s not classical, and …” He looked down at his hands. “And I’ll be doing Finn’s temple work. So that will be good.”

“Oh.” Blaine was surprised it hadn’t been done already. “No one’s done it yet?”

Elder Hummel shook his head. “No. My stepmom asked me to do it, and you have to wait at least a year after someone passes. I was in Germany by then.”

Blaine’s stomach twisted. He hadn’t realized the death of Elder Hummel’s stepbrother was quite that fresh. “Well. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.”

Elder Hummel shrugged a shoulder. “I hope so. It was hard to get him interested in the gospel when he was alive. But he has a good heart. Now that he’s on the other side of the veil, things should be clearer for him.”

Over on the steps of the library, two girls had gathered with their overcoats and books to study in the cool spring sunlight. Or young women, really—Blaine needed to stop thinking of females his age as “girls.” The one on the left, who had dark hair with blue streaks that reminded Blaine of his friend Tina back home, gave them a big wave. “Yoohoo, missionaries!”

They waved back. “Was that an invitation?” Blaine asked.

“Close enough,” Elder Hummel answered.

"It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" Blaine called as they walked over.

“Almost as beautiful as you two!” said one of the other girls, a girl with straight brown hair that peeked out from beneath a gaudily flowered hat.

“Oh, not this,” Elder Hummel mumbled under his breath. “At least I know how to put a stop to it.” He turned back to the blonde. “Sorry, ladies. I’m gay.”

“You win some, you lose some. What about him?” She nodded toward Blaine.

“He’s not a piece of meat,” Elder Hummel said. “You can ask him yourself.”

She did.

“That’s not what I’m here to talk about.”

“Because Jesus is the love of your life?” she asked.

“Exactly.”

The girl with the blue streaks squinted one eye toward the sun behind Blaine as she read his nametag out loud. "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints," she said in a clean Berliner accent. That wasn’t a good sign, either. Berliners rarely wanted to hear about God. "What are two cuties like you doing handing out Bibles?"

Blaine took a deep breath. Somehow, he didn’t think the religious survey approach was going to work with this team. "We’re not handing out Bibles. We’re just letting people know about an English conversation group we run. It’s free." He handed her a flyer.

She inspected it like an accountant combing a tax return for errors. "And what does that involve? Learning in English how to tell people they are going to hell?"

Flower Hat giggled. Elder Hummel laughed, too, but it was more of a chuckle.

“I know why my friend is laughing,” Blue Streak said, looking at Elder Hummel. “But why are you?”

“Oh, it’s just a funny image, us preaching about hell. Because we don’t believe in it. And the group really is just an English group. Unless someone asks us about religion, we won’t talk about it.”

Blue Streak closed her book and studied Elder Hummel, then Blaine, as if trying to tease out a lie. “All Christians believe in hell. That’s what’s wrong with them.”

“It’s an unfortunate misunderstanding of Scripture,” Blaine said. “But the truth is, all people of good will go to heaven."

"And what about people of bad will? You know, like Hitler?" Her smile spread into a sort of maniacal grin. "And George Bush?"

Flower Hat snickered and buried her face into Blue Streak’s shoulder.

Blaine had heard much worse. Besides, he wasn't a big fan of politics. Germans could insult almost any American political figure they wanted and he wouldn't take it as a personal affront. "I don't know about the eternal fate of anyone in particular, but if someone truly rejects God, they wouldn't like heaven much. And God’s not going to make them go there. But there’s no hell." It was a little more complicated than that, but Blaine felt he was covering the basic gist of it.

“Well, I didn't expect you to say something interesting. But you have." Blue Streak stood, offering her hand for Blaine and then Elder Anderson to shake. "Harmonie Müller. I'd ask your names, but I can read your tags. And this is my friend Dolcezza Motta.”

Dolcezza gave a little curtsy. “Yes, it’s Italian. But we’ve mostly lived here. My daddy says the schools in Germany are better and he wants the best for me. Piacere mio, by the way.” She extended her hand, almost as if she expected the elders to kiss it rather than shake it. “Oh, and you can call me sweetie if Dolcezza’s too much of a mouthful for you. That’s what it means, anyway.”

“Dolcezza’s fine,” Blaine said.

“Thank you. You’re fine, too,” she said with a wink, shaking Blaine’s hand a little too long.

#mormon!klaine #wowbright writes fic #spaceorphan's sophisticated challenge: zealot #klaine fic #yes redheadgleek you have read this #thatl #my thatl #i'm not sure how much this adds to the plot but it makes the pacing make more sense at least in my brain #and character stuff #why do i pretend i'm interested in plot anyway #it's all about character lol

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