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sucktacular · 10 months

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Cw health scare, passing out, food mention, weed + being high, mention of blood work/needles

Had a yucky time last night that was very scary and wanna vent about it

and honestly kinda hope maybe someone that has low blood sugar moments or panic attacks or whatever the fuck could give me some insight if you're comfy doing so!!

Other wise just ignore this post :3 I'm okay now! But obv will get it looked at, prommy.

Also cw disordered eating... I don't mean to do it for any particular reasons I'm just very bad at remembering to eat, eating enough, and having too low energy to make anything lately. I got fresh groceries yesterday night tho so I'll be back to eating right for a bit.

So I uh nearly passed out at 3am alone in my kitchen trying to make a sandwich and I'm kinda pissed that my body is shitting out on me and now I gotta go to the human mechanic and get my stuff looked over cuz uh... Not normal happenings

I got up after laying down in bed for a while trying to sleep but got hungry and I was a little zooted too to be fair. Collected myself. Got all dressed to leave my room and was totally fine. If it was from standing up too fast it should have definitely hit me by that point but I was fine.

Went down and took all the things out of the fridge I needed for a sandwich. Slow and meticulous , not too fast cuz I was stoned and like to take my time to be quiet. Opened the bread, got a plate, opened the mayo, mayo'd my bread, then I went to open the deli chicken and started greying out and getting really light headed and weak and shakey and cold. So I waited a moment and it kept getting worse so I sat down and propped myself in the corner of my cabinets to try and help. Drank my chocolate milk and tried to wait it out. I've had low blood sugar act like that before- cold, shakey, grey vision, weak, etc - cuz I've kind of always been really bad at making sure I eat meals and last night i had just been eating chips, crackers, and chocolate pretzels all night. Snjcjsbjdks. I've been snackless for a few days so I NEEDED snack overload.

Anyway it kept getting worse over the minute or two to the point my vision was like white and black tv static with tunnel vision. my head felt super pressurized and I couldn't hear? I've had tinnitus since I was a tiny child but it really felt like those movies when everything is muffled and all you can hear is a very tiny faint high pitch ring. I could barely hear my tinnitus which was ... Deafeningly silent and that's WEIRD. I've never heard... Nothing? So that was scary. My whole body felt sweaty and hot and I just didn't know really what to do.

I think it was low blood sugar but + weed made me have a panic attack? Maybe? Or really bad low blood sugar. Because I HAVE been having light headed episodes and feeling weak lately... Which I chocked up to vitamin deficiencies (B12, D, or iron are problems of the past so I started taking those every day for the past week or so.)

Kind of super mad doctor I saw last week insisted I don't need blood work and to just take my new meds, cuz there's definitely something going on here and while blood work probably wouldn't have stopped last night's episode from happening, at the very least I could be a step closer today than i am. :(

Uhm... Yeah anyway it was really scary and I was on the floor in the kitchen with just Frankie watching me for a hot maybe 2-5minutes... Hard to tell how long. Not a super long time but more than just like 1-2 minutes. Felt better. Tried to get up and finish sandwich making. Got grey and weak again. Sat down some more. EVENTUALLY my vision and hearing went back to normal. Finished my sandwich weakly and packed the stuff away sloppily and had to turn the hallway light on cuz I couldn't see in the dark at all. Went to my bed and ate my sandwich and still felt fucked but eventually went right back to normal.

I do still feel airy headed and not totally alert but that's been kinda how it's been this past few weeks.

So uh... Mmm. Don't like that at all. Phone on me all the time now. Doctor visit again soon for this issue specifically. Partner suggested it sounded like a panic attack or when they get a vasovagal response to needles and nearly pass out. I definitely got scared and panicked cuz it was awful and scary and felt like I was dying. I did some 5seconds in 5 seconds out breathing exercises and it helped quite a bit to calm and focus me in the moment. Which was neat! They ain't lying about those exercises even if you don't know what you're doing. Focus on the counting and the breathing in and out softly.

Uhm.... So yeah if anyone actually genuinely has a comment or experience with that I'd love to hear. Otherwise I'm okay so far today and keeping an eye on it...

Problem also is I don't... Well, I have agoraphobia basically and it's very hard for me to go to a doctor without help from a friend or my partner and I can't figure out any online telehealth things in Ontario that don't cost money or aren't just for prescription renewals so uh not sure what to really do. I know I need to get it looked into but my GOD you know how fear will make you not care for yourself? Gestures. I'm trying so hard not to jump to the conclusion that it might be pre diabetes because my family has no history thankfully but the signs arent looking good..

#sucktacular sucks #me: im gonna be so safe about my info online. no tracking me!!!#me also so heres all the health conditions im struggling with yall lol #mostly a vent but also like dont be shy if u do have a thought about it #cuz it helps me look into it until i can get to a doctor to talk about it. I WILL. but it might be moment

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ecrivainsolitaire · 1 year

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Zoloft day 17

Today some drunk neighbours were smoking under my balcony and before I could tell them to gtfo I had a mini freakout about their potential reaction. Bad sign. Up until now I've been absolutely shameless since I started taking the pills. I even flirted with a friend's sister who was coming onto me at her graduation the other day, in front of their parents, which used to be a legendary mode challenge level for me. The incident this morning made me question if the effects are wearing out, though until I have more tangible proof I'll attribute it to missed sleep. I've also been getting a bit hungrier, which may have to do with the fact that I had a couple days where I absolutely broke my diet so my stomach may have expanded back to original size. I'll try to see if it's a reversible outcome.

My libido is slowly coming back. Very slowly. Glacially slowly. Tectonic plates level slowly. But it is coming back, which is a relief. In a couple weeks I should probably be able to finish again. Initially I thought it was happening at the times where the pill had already worn out for the day, since it's been happening in the middle of my sleep around 3am, but today I fell asleep in the afternoon and it happened again. That also could be the pills losing their effectiveness, but I choose to remain optimistic. I'm no longer worried I'm being targeted by some sort of dramatic irony based vendetta from a greek god who decided to take away from me the two things that helped with my panic attacks before the sertraline: that and weed. I may eventually go back to normal without having to quit the pill. I've never been one for patience, but time will tell.

I am so thirsty all the time. Not that kind of thirsty, actually dehydrated. I already live in an incredibly hot place so it's quite annoying having to always be seeking water especially in places it's not as available and I have to rely on sugary drinks. I may have to start carrying a water bottle around.

I'm considering piercing my ears. I mean, I was already considering it but now I think I could do it without going catatonic due to my fear of needles or how my uber Christian family may react to their amab son queering it up a notch. They'd have a heart attack if they heard I went to pride last year and plan to go back this year. But I don't care that much now.

I keep fighting with my uncle about meaningless nonsense but I no longer take his conspiracy theories as an existential threat. We actually had a somewhat civilised discussion yesterday. Even my grandma noticed the air was lighter around us.

Since my whole family is on a low fat diet due to medical reasons I've been forced to cook less fatty meals lately, which has given me some perspective on just how much oil and lard I usually consume and how bad my stomach feels after. That feeling used to be relief from the anxiety, like adding it to my stomach somehow made me feel out of danger, but now it just hurts. I really gotta cut down on the oils and stuff.

I notice whenever I see someone online or in person say something really dumb I get cynical and mean about it. I don't like the feeling. I shouldn't be so judgemental of those around me, I just don't know how to change it yet. I already knew this to some extent but I used it as a defence mechanism from things that no longer feel threatening. I need to stop that.

Going online to look at memes and social media is no longer as fun or rewarding as it used to. By contrast, I have an increased capacity to sit through a TV show or movie for extended periods, which in the last few years I could only do with my favourites, like the MCU. The other day I saw a nearly three hour long samurai movie and although it was in two sittings and it's not usually my favourite genre I didn't get bored out of it and quit. It seems like my brain now rewards longer forms of entertainment that are more engaging instead of quick dopamine bursts. I might try to read again.

I'm working on a secret project that involves learning to code, and with some help from ChatGPT I've done more progress this morning than the last couple months I've been thinking about it. Having such a powerful learning tool essentially act as my project manager and code tutor keeps me motivated to continue. I estimate it'll take about a year to complete but I'm more confident now about my ability to keep working on a project for longer. I wish Tumblr stopped having a moral panic about AI and started to see it as the tool that it is; there's a lot of misconceptions about what it can and can't do, and most of it is to blame on OpenAI's marketing team. When you're using it to supplement your original ideas instead of trying to plagiarize it can actually do miracles. But thankfully I feel less and less interested in getting into fights about it. Eventually they'll have to come around, it was the same when smartphones came out and everyone was freaking out about omnipresent internet connection.

Overall, I feel mostly at peace. Life isn't perfect by any means, but it's bearable now. once my body fully adapts to the pills, I'll hopefully be doing a lot better. Even despite the extremely frustrating side effects, this is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I only wish I'd done it sooner.

Also, because of my project, I spent all morning writing. I can write again. I should get back to my children's book I stopped writing because all the characters were depressed and miserable. Perhaps this time I'll be able to finish it.

#tripping on zoloft #zoloft #sertraline

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atinydise · 3 years

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Ateez reacting to another member being in love with their s/o (re-uploaded)

❦ Genre: Fluff & Kinda Angst (Idk)

❦ Pairing: OT8.

❦ Word count: 3k5.

HONGJOONG (& San)

The leader was curious and suspicious. His member San was a little bit too much affective with you. All the other members were treating you as a friend or even as an older sister, nothing too much alarming. While with San it was the opposite. Hongjoong isn’t the jealous type, even not at all but the behavior of his closest friend sent him over his limits. San was inviting you at least 2 times per week, just to “see someone else than the group member”. Hongjoong believed this excuse at first until San became more and more clingy with you. Every time he could, he would rest his head on your laps and wait for you to run your fingers in his blond hair. Even if it was bothering you, a bit, you never told him or your boyfriend neither. In any case you want to create a conflict or a discomfort.

Tonight, when the leader found you washing San’s hair in the bathroom sink, he decided to stop this little game. Without saying a word, he gripped your hand, still full of shampoo, and wrapped it in a towel. The other boy cracked an eye when he didn’t feel your soft digits anymore. “Oh! You are back!” You smiled at your boyfriend, ignoring that he was boiling inside. “What are you doing?” He asked, grabbing your hand tighter. “She’s helping me to wash my hair since my shoulder is still sensible.” Replied San happily. “Is it normal for you?” Asked Hongjoong, straight looking at your eyes without paying attention to San. At this moment, you knew that Hongjoong realized that San had a crush on you. “Seems like you knew huh?” He raised a brow. “I was just being nice.” “Okay.” He started. “Be nice but don’t be stupid.” San lifted his head, water dripping from his ears to the floor. “Hyung, don’t talk to her like this.” “I’m not mean to her. In fact, it’s the opposite. I’m trying to help her.” “Help her? What are you talking about?” “She’s too nice to say ‘no’ to you. She can’t refuse you anything, because it’s her nature.” He started, trying to calm down. “Hongjoong…” you tried to stop him before he says something he regrets. “Stop loving her San.” He said abruptly. “She’s my girlfriend and won’t be yours. Never.” You noticed how pissed he was, so you kept it quiet. Before the leader exit the bathroom, he stared at San who was still speechless and obviously sad about the whole situation. “Wooyoung can you help San?” He yelled in the dorm. “If you pay me!” He yelled back from his bedroom.

SEONGHWA (& Wooyoung)

Seonghwa ignored once again and finally sat down in his bed. It was 3AM and he still couldn’t fall asleep. Even though he tried his best to, his brain was non-stop waking him up. Your voice was resonating in his head. Today, you refused to go at the dorm to spend a game night as every week. Of course, when their schedule could allow it. When your boyfriend asked you why, you couldn’t help but to be sad. “I think Wooyoung hates me or something.” You sighed. “Why would he hate you? This is stupid.” Replied Seonghwa, not caring about his rude words. “If I knew I would tell you idiot.” You rolled your eyes. “Throw away this idea and come tomorrow, we will ask him.” “I really don’t want to come this week. I’ll calmly have a good time by myself at home.” Seonghwa accepted even though he was disappointed. But no matter what, he would respect your choice. At the game night, he was secretly staring at Wooyoung. He was so happy and enthusiastic, as every other day. Even when you were here.

Out of nowhere Seonghwa asked, “Wooyoung, do you hate Y/N?” Yeosang next to him, puffed at this word. “Hate? Hate! This is the complete opposite! He loves Y/N!” Wooyoung blushed hardly and hid himself behind his monopoly cash. “You love Y/N?” Repeated Seonghwa, not believing this at all. “Well, the night is over… let’s go to sleep.” Said Jongho, trying to escape this awkward atmosphere. All the other boys threw their cards on the coffee table and left one by one. Leaving Seonghwa and Wooyoung alone. Not wanting to piss his Hyung, the youngest boy started. “Listen, I crushed on Y/N well before you both start to date. I was just too much focused on the group. But finally, one day I couldn’t handle being far away from her, so I went to see her and-” “You saw us kissing. It was you right? I knew I saw a shadow behind her.” Wooyoung nodded. “Wooyoung… I’m really sorry. I would never-” “It’s okay, it was very hard at first but I’m starting to erase or suppress my feelings for her.” Seonghwa smiled lightly. “You are trying so hard that she thinks you hate her.” “Huh?!” He stood up, making the chair behind him fall. The eldest member was surprised. This big reaction coming from Wooyoung made both realize that there’s a long way before he forgets you. He bites his lips and picked the chair back. “I’m really trying Hyung. Just be patient with me because… it’s hard.” He sighed. “I won’t lie to you.” “Take your time. I’m really happy that you are trying at least.” Smiled Seonghwa sadly.

YUNHO (& Hongjoong)

“Are you sure it won’t bother Hongjoong if I come to the studio with you?” Yunho shook his head. “Don’t worry, he really doesn’t care at least that I do what he asks me to do.” “Well okay.” You replied, not really convinced. You ignored why but going to Hongjoong’s studio was really stressing for you. He seemed so focused and serious there. “Relax Y/N.” Stated your BF. “Why are you so tense?” He held your hand. “The atmosphere is tense.” You growled. “How can you work like this?” “It’s like my… 4th home. It doesn’t feel like a stressful place.” “4th home? What’s the others one?” You curiously asked. “Hum… the 1st one is the dorm, the 2nd one my parents one and the 3rd… your apartment.” “Oh really?” Yunho winked. “That’s probably my favorite place between these four.” “Because you can get all the food you want to?” You pinched his forearm. “If by mean ‘food’ you mean yourself than yeah.” He kissed your palm. “Ahem…” coughed the leader behind both of you. “I didn’t know you were this kinky Jeong Yunho.” “That was supposed to be a secret.” He replied embarrassed. Not saying anything, you stayed next to your boyfriend. Hongjoong bowed a bit to greet you. “It’s been a while Y/N.” “Yes.” You smiled shyly. “Well, I forgot my laptop in Eden sunbaenim’s studio so wait for me in mine.” The leader handed his key to Yunho and let both of you there.

When you entered, you were amazed by how clean this was. Not like their dorm. “His studio is always so clean.” You stated. “The trash is a little bit too full though.” Replied Yunho, picking unconsciously a sheet of paper on the floor. “Still better than your own room.” You giggled, anticipating his reaction. You waited for 10 longs seconds and still nothing from him. “Babe.” You stood up, realizing his eyes were glued on his paper. “What’s going on?” “Hongjoong wrote few lyrics.” “Yes, and? He does this aaaall the time. He’s a whole producer.” You raised a brow. At this moment, the leader entered the studio. He immediately saw the pinkish sheet of paper. As fast as possible, he ripped the paper out of Yunho’s hand. “What is this Hyung?” “Nothing, just a shitty work.” Yunho blocked the way to his leader before he could escape from this situation. “I wrote it a long time ago.” “That’s not what the date at the top said.” He cut him straight. “Do you have feelings for Y/N?” “Yunho!” You tried to stop your boyfriend, embarrassed. “This is stupid.” “I had a feeling for her. But I’m over it now.” You were speechless. All this time, you hung out with them, you never realized that Hongjoong had feelings for you. “Can you promise me that all your feelings for my girlfriend is vanished?” He asked seriously. The leader stayed quiet, even though he wanted to prove the opposite. “That’s what I thought.” He sighed. “Yunho.” You tried to get his attention back. “Y/N can you go back home? I think I need to talk with Hongjoong Hyung.”

YEOSANG (& Mingi)

“Yeosang.” You shook your boyfriend’s shoulder. “Y/N, it’s still dark outside… it means you should go back to sleep.” You rolled your eyes. “We need to talk.” Yeosang immediately cracked an eye. “What do you want to talk about?” “Mingi is weird with me.” You sighed, sitting against the headboard. “What do you mean by that?” He glared at the clock in his phone before putting it back under his pillow. “It might be strange but… I feel like he’s having a crush on me.” You facepalmed. As expected, your boyfriend puffed and immediately turned back to sleep. “Just sleep and stop thinking that.” “I’m serious. He asks me to hang out with him at least 3 times a week.” “Y/N.” He called you, quietly telling you to be quiet and sleep. Annoyed, you laid down in the bed and stared at the ceiling. For sure, you wouldn’t sleep tonight or maybe 30 minutes.

As expected, the next morning, you woke up hardly. You could imagine these dark circles under your eyes. When you sleepily got up, you noticed that Yeosang was already awake, probably eating in the kitchen. Lazily, you removed your pajama shrort and threw it on the chair next to you. “Good morning Y/N!” Yelled Mingi without knocking to let you know his presence. “MINGI!” You hid yourself behind the hoodie you were holding. “What the fuck are you doing?!” “I’m sorry!” He turned back to face the wall. “I wanted to wake you up!” “Get out!” “What is going on here?” Rushed Yeosang when he heard both of you. “This is not what you think it is!” Stopped Mingi, still facing the wall, not daring to look any of you. “Mingi you better give me a good reason to be in here in front of my ‘almost’ naked girlfriend.” “I wanted to ask her to hang out with me!” “Again? You went to the theater yesterday.” He stated. Just after asking this, he realized the little conversation you had this night. “By any chance… Do you… have a crush on Y/N?” Mingi blushed immediately, not daring to answer. You couldn’t see his face but for sure he was flustered. “Song Mingi?” “Okay! I do have a crush on her!” “And what do you want? To be nice with her so you could have a chance?” “No. I’m not a monster.” “Then what?” “I’m just having fun with her because it’s the only one who makes me feel good right now.” He explained. “I’m sorry for having a crush on you Y/N. But I can’t control my feelings.” Yeosang sighed, annoyed and at the same time sad for his friend. “For the sake of the group and our friendship, you need to control it Mingi. And now because of that I can’t let you hang out with her anymore.” He said before leaving the room, bumping into the tallest boy. For sure, nothing would the same.

SAN (& Jongho)

“Oh, did you sleep on the couch?” Asked Jongho, kneeling on the floor in front of you. You smiled shyly and obviously a bit sadly at him. “Yeah. It’s comfy though. Don’t worry.” Jongho hesitated a second but finally started to say. “I heard you and San… arguing yesterday.” “Sorry we might have wake you up.” You apologized. “It’s okay, I know that it was unexpected anyway.” He tried to reassure you. “This was stupid argument anyway...” you sighed, burying your head under the blanket. “Like me.” “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You should be glad to still argue with San. Even if what he said yesterday was rude.” You tossed the blanket away and sat down on the couch, arms crossed on your chest.

“I told him he was mean, but he replied that I am too childish.” “I would never say that to you if I was your boyfriend.” He whispered but enough louder for you to hear it. “You wouldn’t survive with a girlfriend like me.” You giggled. “Well, I’m ready to give it a try.” He replied straight away. Before you could tell him that it was inappropriate, San entered the living-room. “So, you want to date my girlfriend?” He raised a brow. “Hyung.” “I always knew you were not ‘only nice’ with her.” He stepped in front of the maknae. “San it’s okay. Don’t be an ass.” You rolled your eyes. “Sorry, it’s bothering me that my friend who I consider aq my brother, is in love with you.” He stated. “I can’t control it.” “I will need you to control it Jongho.” Said San sadly. “I know it’s going to be hard for you, but we can’t stay this way. It’s bad for you and for us.” Jongho smiled. Out of context, that would be scary. “Why are you smiling like this?” “Do you really think I can forget and erase my feelings for Y/N so easily?” “Jongho...” you called him sadly. “I’m sorry to put both of you, especially Y/N, in this uncomfortable situation. But it’s unfair to ask me to erase my feelings when probably none of you could ever do that as well.” Claimed the maknae. You stared at your boyfriend who was confused, as you. “Well, if you are done Hyung, I would like to go in my room.” San stepped on the side, making the maknae understand that he could leave as he wants to. You plopped down on the couch, “this is crazy...” “Why do you have to be so incredible?” Asked San.

MINGI (& Seonghwa)

As always, you went to the boys’ practice to cheer them up. You hoped that this comeback will help to reduce the tension between all the members. You ignored why but Mingi and Seonghwa were suddenly cold with each other. Seemed like everyone knows why except you. And of course, you hated that.

Well before knocking you heard a loud screams and yells. Scared that one of them argued again, you opened the door. It was worse than expected. Hongjoong and San were holding Seonghwa while Yunho and Jongho were holding your boyfriend. “W-What the hell is going on?!” You yelled, dropping your bag. “I was beating his ass because he’s a betrayer!” Replied Mingi, trying to remove his friends’ grip off him. You noticed that the eldest member’s mouth was bleeding a bit. “Which betrayal?” You asked, completely worried because of this situation. “He said that he betrayed him because I have feelings for you.” Exposed Seonghwa. “This is a betrayal!” “Wh-wait Hwa... it’s a big deal.” “Yes, and this bastard desperately wants you.” Grunted Mingi. “Mingi shut up!” You yelled. “This is not the correct way to solve this.” “Y/N is right.” Sighed Hongjoong. You made a sign at the 2 boys who were holding Seonghwa to let him go. “Come with me.” You grabbed his arm softly but still strong enough to pull him out of the room. For at least 20 minutes, you talked with Seonghwa about this issue. He completely explained when he started to like you more than he should have. Especially the day he was really down, and you helped him to go through this harsh period. He tried so hard to see you as a friend only, but it was too late. His brain was only thinking about you. Without trying to hurt him more than he probably was, you explained that nothing could happen between you and him. Sadly, he accepted that. Even though he was disappointed, he felt like this heavy burden on his shoulders left. “Should we go back inside? Without you trying to fight Mingi?” He smirked. “Can’t promise, but okay let’s go.” You knew it will be hard for Seonghwa to move on but for sure soon he would find the perfect person for him. Like you and Mingi.

WOOYOUNG (& Yunho)

You were the only one awake so early. It was your little time to think and relax calmly without anyone interrupting you. Until: “Hello Y/N.” Greeted San probably more tired than you. “Good morning Sanie.” You replied before sipping your hot chocolate. You noticed the big dark circles, under his eyes. “The party was interesting huh?” You giggled. “That was terrible.” He sighed. “Probably one of the worst parties this year.” “Oh really? I thought it was the best one of this year.” “It was good before your boyfriend and Yunho start to ruin it.” He rolled his eyes.

“Wooyoung?” You asked. “Who? I mean- what they did?” San sighed before resting his forehead right in the table. “It’s better if you don’t know.” “Come on. You can’t drop this bomb and act like nothing happened.” You put down your cup of chocolate, too anxious to drink anyway. “Better ask Wooyoung then. I don’t want problem with any of them.” “Choi San.” The young boy gulped. A bit startled by the tone of your voice. “It’s just that Wooyoung learned that Yunho had a crush on you. So he confronted him-” “Excuse me what?” You asked dumbly. “What?” “Yunho has a crush on me?” “Don’t tell me you never knew about it. It was so obvious please.” “You can’t keep your mouth shut idiot.” Said Wooyoung, flickering San’s upper lip. “She really wanted to know.” Defended San. “Wooyoung you fought Yunho?” You asked worried. “A fight?” Laughed San. “These 2 idiots were too drunk to even carry their glasses. You rolled your eyes at the thought of your boyfriend being drunk. “Anyway...” grunted Wooyoung. “We are supposed to talk about this issue today.” “You seem pretty confident in front of the biggest conflict you might go in.” Added San. “We are adults. We are going to have a mature conversation without using our hands.” He replied calmly. “It’s because you know you are going to lose against Yunho.” You stated. “She’s right.” Smirked San. “Both of you are such a loser.” He grunted. “Join the team when Yunho is going to beat your little cute butt.” “I hate both of you.” “But Yunho loves us.” Teased San. “Choi San!”

JONGHO (& Yeosang)

Jongho was staring at you and Yeosang wrapped in the blanket in front of your favorite K-Dramas.

It’s been 2 days in row that you were glued in front of this TV shows. The most annoying part was that Yeosang was taking all of your attention. He was using this show as an excuse to spend some time with you and to leave you sitting here for few hours. Madly, Jongho sat on the couch just between you and his members.

“How many episodes left?” He asked normally not wanting you to make assumptions. “3. Right Sang?” “2.” He replied a bit coldly. “Oh only 2?” Repeated Jongho smirking slightly. “Too bad, this drama was really good.” You pouted. “If you want, I know another one which is good too.” Offered Yeosang. “Oh really?” You said a bit too enthusiastically for Jongho’s liking. “What about you to stop your k-dramas marathon and go to the restaurant with me?” Suggested the maknae. “Well... that’s a good program too.” You rested your head on his shoulder. Jongho smiled victoriously. No way he could let Yeosang spend more time with you. “After your restaurant maybe, we could check the horror movie you wanted to watch.” Interrupted the other member. “Alive? Oh yeah totally!” You almost yelled. “I want to watch it too.” Both of you stared at Jongho. “You are scared- no wait. TERRIFIED of horror movies.” Smirked Yeosang. “I saw the trailer, this is not that bad.” He lied. “Then maybe we should order a pizza and watch it right now.” He smiled arrogantly. Seonghwa who was looking at the whole scene from the kitchen, finally interposed. “Yeosang, Jongho. Can you help me with something in the kitchen?” “You should call Mingi or Yunho for the utensils you can’t grab.” Sighed Jongho. “He’s right.” Added Yeosang. Seonghwa’s face darkened so fast that both of them rushed in the kitchen. The eldest member closed the door carefully and turned around. “Are you both crazy?!” “Huh?” Yeosang raised a brow. “Both of you are hitting on the same girl!” “I always said that I had a crush on her. It’s Yeosang Hyung who’s being an ass.” The eldest member hit the maknae’s head, “Language.” “You are not even dating.” “Almost! Should I remember you she kissed me?” “She was drunk.” Replied Yeosang. “Even if a kiss happened, Yeosang you should consider that Jongho I in love with her, since a long time ago now and this is not nice to flirt with her too.” Yeosang sighed and rolled his eyes, pissed. “Fine. You are never on my side anyway.” He growled before leaving the room. “Ouch. Maybe I should talk to him.” Sighed Jongho. “Yes, you should. And fix this situation before someone else think there’s favoritism when I hate all of y’all equally.” “Double ouch Hyung.”

#ateez reactions #ateez reaction #ateez scenarios #ateez scenario #ateez fluff

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

Note

so my cursor pad thing I forgot the name of (damn it I should probably pay attention in computer class.) got screwed up because I dropped water on it (my parents don't know that though I just told them that my cursor is going crazy) and my brother's mouse has weird settings so that took a while to get used to BUT BUT BUT

Alec was someone who was usually wary of new spaces – because with new spaces, you get new people and with new people, you get anxiety

this is the single most relatable thing ever. LIKE BESTIE SAME. Anxiety's a bitch istg.

Also, that line about Isabelle (?) saying smth like "You're not gonna find the love of your life by walking into a meeting room" OH BUT HE DID!! HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW YET!!!

“Alec! Your roommate has gay porn!” “Alec, I’m your roommate!” “Alec, you have gay porn!” “Alec, you are gay!”

this was the single funniest sequence ever istg Jace is such a straight.

I was slightly sus of Alec concerning that verlac deal BUT I KNEW I COULD TRUST HIM NOT TO PULL SOME SHIT!!

why do they keep meeting up at parking lots like shady drug dealers by the way?

This was so funny and I don't even know why. I mean my first thought when I read this was that scene from b99 where we first met Doug Judy and they staged as car buyers/stealers to bring a perp down. or smth like that idk I should rewatch.

(i think that cursor pad thingy is called a tracker ball...I think. I'm too lazy to confirm)

Damn, I missed Max so much. THIS SWEET CHILD BETTER GET TO VISIT THE DOWNWOLRD SOMEDAY BUT THE VERSION MAGNUS AND ALEC WILL BUILD.

It made me so angry to see the Shadowhunters be arrogant little shits and think of what happened as just something that happened and what downworlders need to get over. Bitch to you they are statistics, numbers but to so many, they are people they loved and lost so stfu. shut your mouth and actually try to listen and understand instead of assuming shit.

ok this is a mess and I have tons of more stuff in my discord server but this mouse is weird. my brother is weird. screw these gaming little shits with weird mouses which are like that because it's "set to game settings"

Oh, and I did get sleep today. What was supposed to be a little "nap" at 5 pm yesterday turned way longer than i had intended and i woke up at 3am...THEN I WENT BACK TO SLEEP TILL IT WAS TIME FOR SCHOOL. Was it messed up? very. was I still energized enough to enjoy school? YES. so that's a win. I also finally got my library card for this year and I borrowed a thriller. Damn covid really made me miss my favorite spot in the school BUT NOW I CAN SPEND ALL MY TIME IN THE LIBRARY SO THAT'S AMAZING!

Bye! Gonna go read tmtc! I know it's really slow and I can't wait to get my cursor fixed so life is easier again and I can get back to binge-reading fics!

Sjsksksksksk this is everything 😭😭

TMTC malec are just adorable dumbasses who need lots of hugs 🥰🥰🥰

Also I check it for you. You are right it’s called a trackball (what a weird name)

#tmtc

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catwatcha · 3 years

Text

Pairing: Chan x Reader Genre: Fluff/Smut/Angst Word count: 1549

Warnings: cursing & smut Authors note: Minho is calling Chan by Chris in this because that is what he goes by with him.

PT.1 PT.2

Something that doesn’t sound insane.

Minho’s P.O.V.

*Beep, beep, beep*, I rolled over to the familiar and annoying sound of my alarm clock. The events of the previous night flooded my head, about how I couldn’t get any damn sleep because Chris kept me up all night rambling in his sleep. He ended up then leaving at about 3am, tripping down every stair. Asshole. It was now 6:30am, and I was dreading school. I got up and threw on an outfit for the day, and tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes. I was on my way out when I got a text from Chris.

Can you grab me a coffee before school? Overslept and running late.

I replied, You owe me.

Thanks mate.

Lucky for him, I was tired as well but I had a few minutes to spare. I drove to Starbucks, but saw that there was a long line as usual so I decided to go somewhere else. I drove around downtown until a small cafe caught my eye. I got out of the car and was about to walk in when I saw a girl standing out front looking uneasy and paranoid. “Are you okay?” I said when I walked over, and she jumped at the sound of my voice. I think she studied my face for a moment before she sighed and said, “yeah I’m fine. Just looking for someone, but I don’t think they’re gonna show up.” I thought about that for a second. I went to school on the other side of town, but I knew a lot of people, as I have lived here my whole life. “Who is it?” I asked. “Maybe I’ll know them? I’ll kick their ass for standing you up.” I laughed and her face lit up for the slightest moment, before hostility took over. “It’s not like that and I don’t- I don’t know..” She trailed off. I stood there wondering if she was actually gonna answer me, and I realized I needed to get to school with Chris’ coffee before he had a full on meltdown. Right as I opened my mouth to speak, she said, “Well his name is Chan and I just had a feeling he might be here but now I don’t know anymore.” I was confused. She didn’t actually know if she was meeting someone? Well ok. “I don’t know the name,” I said. “But if I see anyone who looks like a Chan, you’ll be the first to know.” She gave me a small smile before walking back to what seemed to be her car and drove off. I looked at the time; 7:45. Goddamnit Chris, now I’m late. Why couldn’t he get his own coffee?

Y/n's P.O.V.

When I got to my car I sat for a while, thinking about what I had just done. I told a complete stranger about Chan, I knew he wouldn’t be there. I don’t know why I did, I don’t know why I thought he would be. Most of all, I don’t know why I thought that someone would actually know who he was. When I finally collected myself I started my car and made my way to school. When I finally got there Jasey was waiting for me at my locker and had a worried look on her face. “Are you okay?” You just left and then didn’t answer my calls or texts!” I opened my locker and sighed, was I really going to try and explain something I couldn’t even understand. “I just had a migraine.” I tried to offer as an excuse but she wasn’t having it. “Come on Y/n, talk to me.” She puts her hand on my arm and I sigh once again and stop my movements “Okay,” I take a deep breath “But you’ll have to stay open minded.” Just as I begin to open my mouth the bell rings and I slightly smile to myself. Saved by the bell. “Just meet me at my place after school.” I gave her a small smile and walked to class, silently thanking the school for being useful for once.

The end of the day came a lot faster than I thought it would. I dozed off a few times, but was actually thankful that I wasn’t thinking of Chan today. I’m still trying to brush off the embarrassment from yesterday. Now it was time to try and explain to Jasey why I wasn’t just dreaming about him anymore. I thought about what I was going to say to her knowing already that she wasn’t going to let this go very easily. When I get to my car I wait for Jasey to climb in. After a few minutes of waiting, I’m scrolling through my phone when I hear knocking on my window that caused me to let out a scream. “Jasey you almost gave me a damn heart attack! Get in the car,” I said while trying to calm the panic she had caused in me. “Sorry, I couldn’t find your car,” she said while laughing at how horrified I was. Great, I thought. I can barely get any words out now, what the hell am I gonna do when she presses me about Chan? I started my car and just hoped she wouldn’t bring it up. Of course, I was mistaken.

“Y/n, you know you’re gonna have to tell me sooner or later why you were confessing your lovefor this man you’ve never even met!” She said. I thought about it, and decided to go with the sarcastic answer. “Later?” I replied. “Later really works for me.” She rolled her eyes at me. “You are so difficult. Please please please?” She said, and I turned up the music in my car before she could say please another ten times. We pulled into my driveway, and I walked to my front door with her right behind me. I took out my key and unlocked my door, but before I opened it I said, “Jasey. I hope that you know that what I tell you once we are inside, stays between us. Okay?” “I know, I know! Besides, who am I gonna tell?” she almost yelled the words, and it startled me a bit but she was my best friend. We told each other everything, so me keeping a secret from her probably has her on edge. I walked in and started up my stairs, thinking of where to begin.

As I sit on my bed a million thoughts run through my head and all I want to do is lay down and dream of Chan. Jasey sits on the end of my bed and I take a deep breath as my heart begins to race. “Jasey I don’t know…” She groans. “No, no backing out.” I realize there is no getting out of this. There is no more stalling, and there is no more keeping all of Chan to myself, I have to share him. “Okay” I nod my head a few times and take another deep breath. “Okay, so a few weeks ago I noticed I was losing sleep. I couldn’t figure out why until I saw his face… Chan,” She nodded already have heard this part of the story “I’ve never met him before but I feel like I’ve known him forever. Jasey, he’s quite literally the man of my dreams. I can’t stop thinking about him…” I sigh and play with my fingers. “Every time I close my eyes he’s there, every time I sleep, I dream of only him. Every time I want to see him I just have to think about him and I’m taken to a place where he is. I can’t get him out of my head, and honestly I don’t want to. I don’t want to give him up because he has become a part of me.” I stop and breath letting myself tell her all about the man I can’t forget. “I don’t know how that’s possible and maybe they’re just dreams of some boy I saw on the street. Maybe they mean nothing, but maybe they aren’t. I’ve grown to love this boy and I’ve never even met him. I’ve never actually spoken to him and I feel like I know everything about him. I’m serious when I say that I see him every single time I close my eyes, and I don’t know why, or how, but I know everything about him. And he knows everything about me. I can’t control what I say or do, but it’s been perfect. It’s literally been a dream.”

I didn’t realize that I had been rambling, and I looked up to a wide eyed Jasey. I also hadn’t realized I was crying until I wiped a few tears from my face. I didn’t know what else to say, and from the looks of it she didn’t know either. Minutes passed by before she finally leaned in and just held me. More tears escaped my eyes, and knowing what I had just said out loud just made everything seem so much more vivid. “Y/n.” I looked up, startled by the broken silence. Jasey looked me straight in the eye and said, “I have a secret too.”

#bangchan fluff #bang chan #bang chan smut #bang chan fluff #stray kids smut #stray kids #skz #skz bang chan #skz x reader

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theroguequeenaniki · 3 years

Text

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol)

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it.

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital.

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones: wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse.

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure.

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

#questions #throwback #is this a get to know me #idk

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ardett · 3 years

Text

all dead hearts to you

Description: George and Dream have never met in person. It isn’t a problem until Dream calls George to tell him he’s going to kill himself.

check this out on Ao3 if you wanna be cool!

Author’s Note: Not me crashing recklessly into another fandom (also this is assuming sapnap went home to Texas after living with dream idk let me live)

title from Dead Hearts by Stars

also I'm new here, anyone wanna give me a welcome to the boys?

warnings: suicide warning (obviously) but no actual suicide, general anxiety and panic attacks

It’s 3am when George gets Dream’s call.

Late, but only really for him. It’s still before midnight in Florida, right around 10pm. He’d like to say that he’s so practiced with converting time zones that he doesn’t even have to think about it but he still has to count backwards on his fingers, thinking on the jump between late late nights and early mornings.

He’s still awake but the leds in his room have been turned to red, set to the dimmest mode. He was streaming with Quackity up until about half an hour ago and his room has settled back into quiet again.

He feels the thrum of anxiety as he hears the ringtone. Dream usually only calls him when George is about to sleep through something important or if he’s on the road. George wonders if he forgot something today or maybe he let something slip on his call with Quackity.

Now that it’s on his mind, he realizes that he hasn’t heard from Dream all day. Or yesterday?

They’ve both been busy, though George has been busy with the usual things and Dream said something about needing to put his affairs in order or whatever that meant. They usually text at least but even that has been quieter.

George grabs his phone off his desk and picks up the call.

“Dream. What’s up?” he asks. George runs a quick hand through his hair, checking his screen quickly. It’s a real phone call, not even a discord call. “Hey, I’m putting you on speaker. I’m gonna put on my pajamas.”

He’s about to set the phone on his dresser when Dream says, “Oh, I probably shouldn’t be on speaker.”

There’s something off in his tone. Something flat. It sets George’s nerves on edge.

“Yeah? Okay.” George tucks the phone back by his ear, slumping back on his bed. “Did you have something you had to tell me?”

“Yeah. George, I’m going to kill myself.”

Everything in George stills.

And then starts to spin.

“What?”

“I’m going to—”

“You’re not serious.” George jerks upright, ignoring the lightheaded feeling sinking its fingers into his skull. “Dream, this isn’t funny.”

“I don’t think it is. It’s just going to happen.”

There’s not even a tremor in Dream’s voice. George can’t feel anything past the bone deep shock in his system.

All he can think of is Dream, wrists bloody and split open. Dream, fingertips dusted white with the residue of unnamed pills. Dream, rope burns fracturing the long line of his neck.

Dream, dead.

How is he even going to do it? Is he actually going to do it? George wants to ask but then he realizes he doesn’t want to know.

He imagines the first time he sees Dream in person is when he attends his funeral.

He imagines all the words he’s held in for so long, waiting and waiting for the moment he could say them to Dream face to face, finally being said to dead air.

But George can’t say that so all he manages is an obstinate, “No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Stop disagreeing with me.”

“George,” Dream laughs. Laughs.

George feels dizzy with the disbelief swirling inside him. Surely this can’t be happening. What reason would Dream have to make this up though? Dream would never joke about something like this. Why is he laughing?

How can Dream be so casual when George’s world is shattering?

He doesn’t know what a future without Dream looks like.

They’ve always lived miles apart but Dream has never felt so far away. George has never felt like this. Like he couldn’t reach him.

“Dream.” Dream’s laugh cuts off as soon as he hears the plea in George’s voice. “Is something wrong? Are you— I can come there. I can be with you tomorrow. Sapnap can stay with you again. You don’t have to do this—”

“I know. But I want to. So I’m going to.” Any trace of mirth is gone. Dream sounds the same way he did when he decided he was going to break a world record or make YouTube work for him.

Determined. Steadfast. His voice has the steely confidence of knowing he won’t fail.

Usually it’s inspiring but now the familiarity of it just makes George sick. He’s never known Dream to be someone content with failure.

George's phone digs into his palm as his grip spasms. He tastes blood.

And he doesn’t even know why yet.

“What happened? Whatever it is, we can fix it.”

Dream sighs. “Nothing’s wrong, George.”

“There has to be something wrong. You can tell me,” George insists. Then he changes tactics and lies through his teeth. “I swear I won’t tell anyone else. We can work this out together, just the two of us. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I already told you nothing’s wrong,” Dream repeats.

“Then why would you… do that?” George trips over the word, rephrases it instead.

And then Dream rips that tiny defense to shreds.

“You can say it you know,” Dream says. “I’m going to kill myself. You should probably get used to it actually. People are going to ask you about it. I’m sorry about that,” he adds as an afterthought.

The harsh, blunt words sting against George’s skin.

“Don’t apologize,” he strangles out. “Don’t apologize for that out of everything. Just don’t do it.”

“George,” Dream breathes, exasperated.

“I just don’t understand,” George begs. For the first time, his voice wavers.

Dream, cold gun in his cold hands. Dream, long limbs hanging over the railing of a bridge as he stares down. Dream, slumped over his table with a bottle of vodka nestled near his feet.

Dream, dead.

Dead.

“Don’t cry, okay?” Dream’s voice softens. George forgot how gentle Dream could be with him when he wanted.

“I didn’t want to make you cry. Look, it’s just…” Dream trails off. Eventually, he continues even quieter. “This is it, you know? This is the top, this is the peak. It can’t go on like this forever, crazy numbers on videos and trending on twitter and all that shit. I’d rather go out like this than wait to hit the bottom. Doesn’t that make sense?” Dream persuades.

“No,” George insists, all the air leaving his lungs at once.

“Come on, George. Can you even picture yourself growing old? What happens when we’re 30, 40, and all of this is gone. Do you want that?”

The sick part of it all is that George has imagined the future. He imagines it lovingly, not viciously. Not like this.

He imagined a future with Sapnap and Bad and Karl and Quackity but most of all with Dream. He wants so badly to be with him. Sapnap talked about living together, how great parts of it had been, how he would have stayed if he hadn’t had to return home for family, and George so selfishly wants that for himself.

And he’s always known that’s not what Dream pictured. Dream doesn’t want what he wants. Dream doesn’t want to grow old with someone, much less George.

Can you even picture yourself growing old?

It hurts because George can and he always wanted it to be with Dream.

“What are you even saying? Do you want me to kill myself too?” George bites. He scrubs viciously at his eyes and stabs at the power button of his computer, teeth piercing into his lip as he waits for it to turn on.

“No, no, of course not. I would never— Come on, that’s obviously not what I’m saying.”

George fumbles with his keyboard, pulling up his discord messages with Sapnap.

He just needs someone else to help him, someone else to know. Someone who can do what he can’t. Someone who isn’t as fucking helpless as him, who doesn’t live an ocean away and who has never seen Dream in person and has never touched Dream, not once, has never known what the sun feels like in Florida.

Of course he was lying when he said this was going to stay between the two of them.

This isn’t the kind of thing he can do alone.

George: Sapnap dream says hes going

George: to kill himself

George: you have to get someone to him

George: call 999

George: 911

Sapnap: what

George: please now sap Im on the phone with him

Sapnap: are you joking

George: no

George: do it

George: please fast now

“Are you typing?” Dream questions, a note of warning in his tone.

George jerks. “No, I—”

He’s cut off by a beeping from his phone.

His heart stops.

“What’s that sound?” Dream asks.

Sapnap is calling him.

George can picture him, knee jumping as he clutches his phone, hoping against hope that George is joking. He can practically hear the adrenaline trembling in Sapnap’s voice, can see the way Sapnap stands and paces.

He can’t answer though. He can’t leave Dream.

George declines the call, hand shaking.

“Who was that?” The question is flat.

“No one,” George says too quickly.

“No one?” Dream repeats. Only a second or two passes before George hears the same beep through his phone speaker, this time coming from Dream’s end. “Wow look who’s calling me. Sapnap. Wonder if he changed his name to No One,” Dream says without emotion.

Sapnap: fck are you serious

George bites his tongue, wincing.

“Dream—”

George: y

George can’t manage to type anything more before Dream snarls, “You’re such a fucking snitch, you know that? It’s fine though, I thought this might happen. I was gonna call him after you, for the record.” It almost sounds like Dream is smiling. George’s heart twists. Why is he smiling? “I know you have to try as a friend to save me, or whatever you want to call it, but you really don’t have to. I want to do this. I’m going to.

“It’s not like you could really stop me anyway,” Dream continues. “You don’t even know where I live. You barely know what I look like. What, are you going to ask the police to search the entire state of Florida?”

“Sapnap knows,” George whispers.

He tries to shake off the savagery seeping into Dream’s voice. He tells himself Dream is defensive, Dream is nervous, Dream is scared. Dream isn’t thinking about what he’s really saying.

Though things have never mattered before, the fact George has never been to Florida, that George has never seen Dream in person. But now Dream is weaponizing them against him, forcing George to acknowledge that for everything their relationship is, it can never replace an in person friendship. And Dream has always been a better fighter than George.

“No, he doesn’t. Me and Sap rented a house, remember? We never went to my house. I never sent him my actual address, I checked.” And Dream sounds so smug. Like he won.

George’s gaze darts back to his computer.

But he already knows Dream isn’t a liar.

Sapnap: I dont know his address

Sapnap: fuck

Sapnap: Im calling bad

Sapnap: dont let him hang up

“People are so dumb about it, you know? They tell all their friends and then they get caught before actually doing it,” Dream goes on, not paying attention to George’s disconsolate silence.

“But you’re telling me,” George mutters. Hopelessness strings through him.

Sapnap isn’t writing anything else. George can only hope Bad picked up.

“Yeah but you’re literally in another country. What are you going to do about it?”

George can’t manage any words. He doesn’t even know if he remembers how to breathe.

Dream is right, he always seems to be right. George just wishes it wasn’t about this. Anything but this. He has to believe that Sapnap and Bad will figure something out. He has to trust them.

“Just think about how many people are found before they actually do it,” Dream goes on in George’s quiet. “Because they can’t commit. Most people are cowards. It’s dumb honestly. Just do it or don’t.”

“Don’t then,” George whispers.

His eyes burn with unshed tears. His fingers spasm on his bedsheets.

He doesn’t know what Dream wants. Does he want George to beg? To get on his knees and plead with him to save his own life? Because he would in a heartbeat but he doubts it would make a difference.

Dream sighs. “I feel like you’re not listening to me, George.”

“No, I am.” George’s voice rises with his wrath. Suddenly all his terror and frustration comes to a bursting point. “I’m listening. I’m listening to you talk about killing yourself. I just think you’re wrong. I think it would be a lot fucking braver to stay alive even if your views go down, even if you’re not fucking famous, Dream. What the fuck? You’re a fucking coward for trying to leave!” George’s breaths heave through the staticy phone microphone. His fear and anger wind him.

There’s a moment of emptiness.

Then, lip curling, Dream says, “Trying to leave you?”

George chokes.

“What?”

“Don’t try and pull this card, George. That’s what you’re trying to say, isn’t it? I’m a coward for leaving everyone behind? For leaving you?”

Dream’s voice drowns out George’s. George flinches, though Dream can’t see it.

“Don’t be so fucking selfish. I hate that, you know that?” Dream growls. “Everyone thinks they’re enough to save someone all by themselves. Wow, the sheer force of your love just fucking yanked me back from the edge of a cliff, give me a fucking break,” Dream scoffs. George’s ribs feel tight. “You can’t just reverse psychology or guilt me out of this.”

“Jesus, Dream, is it so hard to believe that maybe I care about you and I don’t want you to fucking die?” George grits out.

The room swims before him. He can’t remember how to uncurl his fingers.

“Well it’s not up to you, is it?” Dream practically smirks.

And that’s it, isn’t it? The winning phrase. Because Dream’s right.

It’s not up to George.

George can only listen helplessly as Dream considers his own grave. He’s a constant witness to the storm that is Dream. He was always grateful to be dragged along in Dream’s hurricane winds and now he dreads the day they calm.

“You’re being cruel,” George murmurs. His aggression leaves him as soon as it came.

“I’m being honest,” Dream contends.

George sinks his head into his hands. “Why did you even call me then? To— to gloat?”

Dream’s voice goes low and quiet, vulnerable. George’s insides twist and melt and contort. “No, no, I just… I don’t know. I just wanted to talk to you one more time.”

“Don’t say that,” George hisses. The words are half muffled into his palms.

“Don’t say what?” Dream asks defensively.

“Don’t say one more time. You can’t— you can’t—'' It all hits George at once. He’s going to lose him.

He’s going to lose Dream.

Before he knows it, he’s sobbing into the phone, loud ugly heaving sobs. “Don’t do it, Dream. I’m serious. Please— Just wait for one of us to get there. We can be with you. We can help.”

Dream’s voice hardens again. “You mean you can stop me.”

“Dream—” George starts to beg, trying to figure out how to lie without Dream catching him.

But Dream beats him to it.

“I’m gonna hang up now—”

Panic rips through George. The shock of it physically hurts in his veins, in his heart.

“No!” he almost screams. “Dream, Dream, don’t hang up—”

“Oh my god, relax. I’m calling Sapnap. I’m not doing anything yet.” He can almost hear Dream rolling his eyes. It’s not comforting.

George sniffles. He knows it sounds pathetic. He’s not one for pity but if it gets Dream to keep talking with him, he’s willing to stoop to any low. He just doesn’t know if he can believe Dream.

“Can’t you just… stay on the phone with me?”

“What, forever? Is that your plan? Just keep me on the line until someone inevitably finds me somehow?” Dream mocks.

Yes.

“No,” George says instead because he thinks it’s what Dream wants to hear.

Dream switches tactics. George recognizes the persuasion in his tone.

“Don’t you want me to call Sapnap? Shouldn’t he also get the chance to talk with me?” Dream questions.

Guilts rests against George’s ribs.

Of course he wants Sapnap to get the chance to talk to Dream. What if this is their last chance to talk? But George is too selfish to think about it much.

“That’s not what you’re asking me. Don’t try and pull that shit. You’re asking me to hang up. You’re asking for me to say goodbye and I’m…” George’s voice drops, almost inaudible. “I’m not ready.”

“George…” Dream’s voice trails off. His next words are nearly silent, something bitter and mournful about them. “You know I love you, right?”

“I know,” George mumbles.

“Are you gonna say it back to me?” Dream demands. George doesn’t know what holds him back now but something does.

“You know I do, Dream, why—”

The dial tone rings in George’s ears.

Dream hung up.

Not even 30 seconds pass, not nearly enough for the abrupt end of their call to sink in, when George’s phone is ringing again. He fumbles with his screen but manages to pick up.

“George?”

George’s heart sinks. It’s not the voice he wants to hear. That he needs to hear.

“Bad?”

“Yeah,” Bad affirms. “Are you okay?”

“Am I okay? Am I—” George scoffs and it feels like it rips his throat. He feels like he wants to scream. Like he wants to punch a wall. Like he would give anything to be somewhere warmer right now. “No, I’m obviously not okay, Bad. He’s going to— to—”

“I know. Sapnap told me.”

Bad’s voice is collected, even. It just makes George more frustrated. How can everyone be so fucking calm about this?

“George, just try to take some deep breaths, okay?” George ignores the suggestion. “Sapnap is on the phone with Dream. He just hung up on me to talk to him. I’m driving there right now, okay?”

George pauses. Something cold washes over him. He doesn’t know yet if it’s relief.

“You’re— you’re driving to Dream?”

“Yes,” Bad affirms. “We just have to keep him talking to someone for the next hour—”

“Hour? Are you serious? That’s too long!” George knows he’s screaming now. He doesn’t care.

“George—”

“We have to call an ambulance, the police. There has to be someone we can call.”

George squeezes his eyes shut, trying to think of other ways they could possibly get there in time. He comes up blank. He can’t accept it. He can’t.

Dream, alone. Dream, bereft. Dream, dead.

“I know but I can’t— I was trying to tell you.” Bad’s words are muffled. It sounds like he’s biting the inside of his cheek. He confesses, “I don’t know his exact address. Sapnap is going to try and get it while he talks to him. I’m driving to Orlando and hopefully Sap knows it by the time I get there but we’re just—”

“No, no, no—”

George thinks of Bad arriving just in time to find Dream’s body still warm. He’s going to be sick. His chest hurts. His lungs burn.

“Try and take some deep breaths—” Bad placates as George speaks over him.

“I’m never going to talk to him again. He’s going to kill himself.” George is spiraling. He can’t stop himself.

“George, I’m going to get there in time.” But Bad doesn’t sound sure of himself. George zeros in on the weakness.

“You don’t know that,” George hisses.

“This is hard for all of us, George!” George startles at Bad’s yell. He’s heard Bad raise his voice before but never at him, never seriously. “I’m sorry,” Bad apologizes, words quieting again. George hears a sniffle through the phone.

Bad’s crying.

God, George is a terrible person. He didn’t even think to check in on Bad. Bad’s the one who might find Dream halfway there or already committed. He’s the only one who’s even close to being able to do something and maybe that’s the worst position to be in.

To be so close and lose a friend anyway.

“You don’t have to apologize. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t… I know it’s hard for all of us. I know you’re doing everything you can. You’re doing more than me.” George tries to laugh but it gets stuck in his throat. It’s not funny anyway.

“It’s going to be okay,” but it doesn’t even sound like Bad believes himself.

“I don’t think I can talk about this anymore,” George murmurs. He feels exhausted. There’s so much adrenaline coursing through him that it hurts. “Can we just talk about something else just… just for a little?” he begs. Like anything could distract him from this.

“Yeah George.” George can hear the sympathy in Bad’s voice. He’s too far gone for the pity to bother him. “Let me— Let me tell you about what I did this weekend on the SMP.”

George sucks in a sharp inhale. “Not— not the SMP. Can you talk about something else?”

“Of course,” Bad agrees easily. “So last Friday I went to visit my family…”

George lets Bad talk in the background. Every once in a while, one of them will sniffle or sob or take a breath that’s too shaky to be normal. Neither of them mentions it.

George listens to people walk past his window, their voices carrying up into the stars.

The noises of the highway drone on through his phone.

Bad drives.

George thinks about what it would be like to go on without Dream.

He’ll never be the same, he already knows. It will haunt him for years. For the rest of his life. The thought of being so close to someone and then losing them.

Death is natural. He knows that. But it’s the intentionality of it that aches the most. The idea that Dream would leave behind everything for something so painful and unknown.

And George just knows… part of him will die with Dream and never come back.

George doesn’t know who he’ll be with that part missing.

part 1/3, though the next update won’t really be an update but it will be soon

#dreamnotfound #dnf #just gotta get those tags out of the way #dream smp #fanfiction #dream smp fanfiction #dnf fanfic #tw suicide #mcyt #mcyt fanfiction #thewar #dream team #pls just go to Ao3 I'm begging you

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amylillian22 · 4 years

Text

Doggie Door

Summary: Y/N moves in next door to Chris Evans. One night she gets called into work and asks Chris if he can dog sit her beagle, Phoebe. Knowing how crazy her work is, Chris hires someone to build a fence with a doggy door for both Dodger and Phoebe.

Word Count: 1,784

Warnings: None. Cutness. Puppy love, pun intended, lol.

Author’s Note: I can’t remember, but someone gave me the idea to write something similar to this. Also, I couldn’t find a gif that worked with the story. Instead, I picked this cute one of both Chris and Dodger.

[My Chris Evans Master List]

Moving from Texas to Boston was slightly overwhelming for Y/N as she had never left her home state before. However, she knew it was the right decision to do when she landed her dream job at Mass General as the Chief of Pediatric Surgery. Within a week, she packed everything in boxes, drove across the country with her fur baby, Phoebe.

It’s her third day in her new home. The movers had arrived yesterday and managed to help her set up and place all the heavy furniture where she wanted. All that was left to do was unpack her boxes and turn the house into her new home.

She grabbed a box labeled dishes from the garage and brought it to the kitchen. She turned around and noticed Phoebe’s dog tags on her collar weren't clinging as she walked. Phoebe wasn’t a lazy beagle. She was active and always on Y/N’s heels.

“Phoebe?!” She looked around the half empty house and couldn’t find her. “Baby, now is not the time to play games. Where are you?” She called out again before she noticed she didn’t properly close the door that led to the garage, which was also open.

“Damn it!” She ran outside to the middle of the street. “Phoebe?!” She yelled. She jogged down the street calling out her name until she reached the deadend at the end of the street. Her eyes began to well up at the thought she lost her fur baby of 5 years.

“Phoebe?” She called out once more in front of her house.

“Excuse me?” Y/N turned around to see a handsome man walking towards her with Phoebe trailing behind him and another dog. Y/N rushed towards Phoebe and immediately kneeled down to hug her.

“I’m guessing this is your Phoebe?” Her neighbor chuckled as Phoebe licked Y/N’s face.

“Yes, thank you so much,” she stood up. “I got worried. I’m not familiar with the neighborhood just yet and neither is Phoebe.”

“I was washing my car and she came on over and started playing with Dodger,” she looked down to see his dog smelling and sniffing Phoebe. Phoebe licked his face before they started running around in the front yard. “I guess they like each other,” he smiled at the two dogs in front of him before he turned to look at her.

His smile was gorgeous. Infectious. She couldn’t help but smile back at him as she responded, “I guess so.”

“I’m Chris,” he extended her hand for a handshake.

“Yes, I know who you are. You’re Captain America. I’m Y/N,” she smiled as she took his hand in hers. “It’s hard not to know who you are when you work with a bunch of kids.”

“Ah,” he nodded. “So, you’re a teacher.”

“Actually, no. I just got the job as the Chief of Pediatric Surgery at Mass General.”

“Oh, wow. That’s amazing. It’s funny,” he chuckled.

“What is?”

“I work with a charity that helps with the kids and family at Mass Gen,” he explained.

“Really? I’d love to hear more about it.” She hoped he took the bait. She knew he was attractive. The guy was practically a Greek God. She only hoped he was open to the possibility of getting to know her just as much as she wanted to get to know him.

“How about over dinner sometime?” He asked with a sly grin.

YES! She mentally screamed.

“I’d like that. Well, you know where I live,” she pointed at her house. She mentally face palm at herself knowing she probably looked like an idiot pointing out with her thumb like she’s hitchhiking.

He chuckled, “I gotta get back to my car.”

“I’ll see you soon.” “Hopefully sooner than later,” he flirted back.

She smiled at him once more before she called out for Phoebe. Phoebe licked Dodger’s face once more before she ran back to her owner. Y/N couldn’t help but chuckle when she heard Chris tell Dodger, “I think you have a girlfriend now.”

***

During the past week, Y/N and Chris hadn’t had their dinner date yet. It’s not that they decided not to do it or one changed their mind. Y/N’s first week at her new job was hectic. She barely had time to cook or get a good night’s sleep. Chris has also been busy filming a new show for AppleTV in Boston.

However, in between their crazy and busy lives, they still saw each other in passing. They had small conversations when getting the newspaper or the mail. They’d say hi or bye when one caught the other on their way out.

But today was different.

“Ugh,” Y/N groaned as she quickly grabbed whatever clean clothes she could find. Phoebe whined in her bed, clearly annoyed she’s being disturbed during her sleep. “What the hell am I gonna do with you?” She asked Phoebe.

She quickly tied her shoes and glanced at the time. It was nearly 3AM and she was on call. Unfortunately, she was needed for emergency surgery as one of her patients took a turn for the worst. Given the horrible situation, Y/N was already worried and stressed about Phoebe. The surgery would take over 12 hours. The doggy daycare was closed to have Phoebe with her new furfriends for the night. She had no other choice but to ask her new neighbor.

She made a ‘tsk-tsk’ noise, signaling Phoebe to follow her. She took a second before she happily followed her owner. Y/N grabbed the pink leash and hooked it on Phoebe’s collar.

“Come on, baby,” She opened the front door and grabbed her work backpack. Y/N crossed her yard and into Chris’. Phoebe’s tail wagged with excitement as she realized she was going to visit Dodger.

“Please don’t get mad,” she mumbled to herself as she rang the doorbell and looked at the dark house.

She waited and hoped Chris would answer the door. Dodger immediately barked as the doorbell echoed throughout the house. Within seconds he was at the front door, barking and jumping up and down with excitement as he saw Phoebe outside the other side of the door.

After a couple of seconds later, Chris opened the door. Y/N tried her best not to drool as he was shirtless and his dark gray sweatpants hung low on his hips. He rubbed his tired and sleepy eyes, “Is everything okay?”

“I’m so sorry to wake you, but I have a huge favor to ask,” she started. “I got called into a long surgery. Too long I can’t leave Phoebe home alone. I’m wondering if you can watch her while I’m gone?” She continued without giving Chris a chance to answer. “The guys were supposed to built a fence earlier this week because I knew this was gonna happen, but somehow they were double booked and short staffed at the same time and-”

“Hey, Y/N,” he smiled as he placed his hands on her shoulders. “Relax. I got this. I can take care of Phoebe and I can keep her for a few more hours than needed so you can get some sleep afterwards. I got this. Go! A kid needs you right now. Go be the awesome superhero that you are,” He said as he grabbed Phoebe’s leash.

“Thank you so much,” she leaned and kissed his cheek. “I owe you.”

“I’ll be sure to collect,” he smiled as he waved goodbye to her.

***

Y/N groaned and turned around to lay on her back. She looked at the clock and noticed she had slept 12 hours straight once she finished her 14 hour surgery. Although there was some complications, she still had a successful surgery. The kid would have a long and hard recovery, but he was going to be able to live life to the fullest.

“I need to get Phoebe,” she mumbled to herself before she got up from her bed.

Phoebe had been next door for over 24 hours and she couldn’t have been more appreciative and thankful for Chris’ help. She already had mind to cook dinner on her night off for the both of them as a thank you.

She opened the back door and her eyebrows immediately furrowed as she saw a wooden fence around her backyard. On the left side, there was a big square hole on the fence and as if on cue, Phoebe and Dodger ran through their new opened doggie door. Phoebe ran and jump on Y/N, excited to see her owner after what seemed like forever ago.

“Hi, baby girl,” Y/N cooed as she scratched behind Phoebe's ears. Dodger started barking, wanting the same love and attention Phoebe was getting.

“Hi, Dodger,” Y/N chuckled as both dogs started licking her face.

“Howdy, neighbor!” Chris called from over the fence. Y/N stood up and walked over to see Chris’ head. She knew he was tall, but not that tall. She assumed he was standing on his picnic table.

She chuckled, “is that going to be a thing? Howdy neighbor? Because if so, I need to pull out my overalls and cowboy hat from my summer box.”

Chris laughed, his smile reaching the corner of his eyes. “So what do you think?” He lifted his arms up, showcasing the new fence.

“Chris, you really didn’t need to do this,” she started, only to be interrupted by him.

“I already had the guys coming in yesterday and I asked them to build you a fence since they were already here.”

“Let me get my check book,” she was about to walk away.

“No. It’s okay. It’s all taken care of.”

“I insist.”

“It was nothing. Just a few selfies and videos with them and they started building right away,” he smiled. “Wanna know the best part of it?”

“I saw it. The doggy door between the fences,” she smiled. “Smart idea.”

“Oh, it definitely is, but that’s not the best part,” he hopped off the picnic table. The doggy door hole was attached to a regular size door for them to cross over any time. Chris opened it and grinned as he entered her backyard, “I got us a big doggy door. Wait, that sounded wrong,” he chuckled nervously.

Y/N’s heart swelled knowing he went above and beyond to make things as easy for her the next time she got called into work in the middle of the night for surgery.

“I really don’t know how I can ever thank you,” she walked over towards him. She leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

He cupped her cheeks and pulled her in for a kiss. It was gentle yet so passionate. Y/N couldn’t help but wrap her arms around his neck. Chris’ fingertips dug into her hips, fighting the urge to bring her body flushed against his. She pulled back first, her lips ghosting his.

“You’re very welcome,” he whispered. Then, his lips formed a huge smile and started chuckling.

“What?” She laughed with him.

“I’d told you I’d collect.”

#chris evans #chris evans imagines #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans imagine #Chris Evans x reader #Chris Evans fluff #dodger evans

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sheerbeautyreigns · 3 years

Text

DESIRE

Part 44

Joe could hear the shower come into play as he stirred awake on the sofa. The room was dimly lit and the curtains were drawn. He picked up his phone from the side of the sofa. It was 10:30. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he sat up. He couldn’t believe he had slept so much. He removed the blanket, rose to his feet and went into the bathroom. He gave a coy smile as Paul motioned for him to join him. Joe stepped under the spray and embraced Paul “Sorry,”

“There’s another way you can apologise with that mouth.” Paul said with a wicked smile, watching as Joe lowered on his knees and took his hard cock in his hand. He lowered his mouth over the head looking up at Paul with his gorgeous brown eyes. “You tease…” Paul said seductively, placing his hand on Joe head. A moan escaped Paul’s lips as Joe took in the whole length, sucking hard, his cheeks hollow. “Aww fuck baby, that’s it.”

Paul’s words spurred him on. He trailed his tongue along the undershaft, stopping to massage the head. This drove Paul wild. The older man took a firm grip of his hair and started to fuck Joe’s mouth. “Hands behind your back.” Joe did as told. “Good boy.” Moans and groans escaped Joe throat as Paul continued to fill him. He watched with intent as Joe continued sucking vigorously. He could feel the pressure building the more he fucked, eventually cumming in the back of his throat. Joe swallowed it whole as Paul looked down with a grin as he tilted Joe head back. “That’s my boy.” He said letting go of his hair, pulling him up to his feet. Paul drank in Joe soaking wet hair and face just inches away before he kissed him under the spray.

It was almost 3am when Paul awoke. He stretched out noticing that Joe wasn’t there. He lifted his head to see that Joe was stood with his arms folded in the darkness looking out at the city lights.

“Baby, you OK?” He asked gently as not to startle him. Joe didn’t respond. “Baby?” He asked, getting out of bed, padding towards him barefoot, wearing his boxers. Joe looked around slightly surprised. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

“It’s almost 3am. Why are you up?” The older man asked lowering to the armchair nearby.

“I couldn’t sleep. It’s relaxing looking out at the city right now, this view. I remember when I came to New York the first couple of times, it was kinda scary.”

“Well, you’re a small town guy. This city can be pretty daunting. You’ve travelled all over the world now though.” Paul reasoned with him stretching out his hand, asking him to sit on his knee. Joe accepted his invitation and put his arms around Paul’s neck. “I’ve had some pretty cool opportunities yeah.”

“How do you feel after today?” Paul asked, running his hands along Joe’s lower back. “It’s hard to explain. I guess…better? I have a good understanding on what you expect of me. I need to stop overthinking things and more live in the moment.”

“Exactly baby. I want you to push yourself and not worry. I would never hurt you.” Paul said kissing Joe softly. “Maybe this week, you might want to come stay at mine, put some of that training to use? I know how well behaved you can be for me.” Paul smirked, running his fingers through the back of Joe’s hair. “Wherever you want me. Whenever you want me. Sir.”

“Good boy.” Paul said in his gravelly tone. “Let’s go back to bed.”

It was about 8am when Joe's eyes fluttered open. He felt so hot, having Paul’s arms wrapped around his abdomen as he snored lightly behind him. Gently, he tried to pry Paul’s, arms open but he only held him closer. “Baby…” He groaned burying his head into Joe hair. “I need to use the bathroom Sir.” Paul didn’t respond “Sir?” Paul loosened his grip, allowing Joe to leave. Even while sleeping, Paul still liked to be in charge.

Once he returned to the bed, the older man already had his hands on him, pulling him against his body. A deep groan came from Paul’s throat as he lay behind Joe burying his head into the back of his neck. “I just wanna stay here with you all day.”

“Me too. I hate this.” Joe said, starting to stroke Paul’s forearm. “Just wait until I get my ass to Tampa babe. It’ll be easier then.”

“I know, I know,” Joe wriggled around, turning to face Paul. “It might be a whole new routine if I end up having to switch brands.”

“Have you thought any more about that?” Paul asked, stroking his cheek. “Not really, not sure if it’ll happen yet so just…” He shrugged his shoulders.

“Would you want to change…after what’s happened with Colby?” Paul didn’t really want to mention his name. “I guess it would be good to be away. You know I hate how things have been and we just keep falling out…” Joe rolled on his black and looked up at the ceiling. “He’s nothing but trouble.” Paul commented absentmindedly. Joe inhaled deeply. “We’ve never come to blows before over anything.”

“He’s not the easiest person to deal with baby. He’s better now than he used to be but when I was fooling around with him, he was so hard to control. Certain aspects were good but, with the way I am…”

“He always was a free spirit. I couldn’t see him being with you, the way I am. He’s not the type to follow rules.”

“Not like you baby.” Paul leaned over and kissed him. “Speaking of which, why don’t you make yourself useful and get on all fours right now.” Joe positioned himself on the bed as told. “That’s my boy.” Paul said grabbing the lube from the bedside locker and moving behind him. Paul palmed his hand across the welts on Joe ass cheeks causing a sharp intake of breath. “Still tender?”

“Yes Sir.” Paul smirked knowing full well it would hurt him. “You had better hope It’s healed a little more when you get to my dungeon. Or else.” He warned. “Yes Sir.”

Paul didn’t even bother to prepare him this time. Once he smeared the lube around the entrance, he started penetrating him with his cock. He could hear Joe inhaling and exhaling deeply now as he took hold of his pelvis. “Good baby.” He said sliding in with less effort than he anticipated. He could see Joe nod his head leading him to trail his hand up his back and pull his head back, by his hair. “Uh uh.”

“Sorry Sir.” He kept a firm grip of Joe’s hair as he started to fuck him, slowly yet firmly to start with, Paul’s body slamming against Joe. “Yes Daddy, fuck me…” Joe breathed as Paul picked up the pace, fucking him harder. Paul let go of his hair, grabbing his pelvis again as he plowed into him, balls deep. Joe whimpers and moans below turned him on so bad. So bad, he shuddered and cried out “Fuck!” as his cum filled his lovers ass. Joe shut his eyes, fisting the sheets below as Paul pulled out, lowering to the bed next to him exhausted. “Aww baby.”

They lay cuddling for the next while until Joe went to have a shower. He was glad that yesterday was over. He’d been dreading it all week but things with Paul were at a good place and he was starting to feel more confident in himself and keeping Paul happy.

When he had finished drying his hair, he threw on his robe and went into the living room where Paul was. The older man was sat at his laptop on the desk by the window. He had his hand raised to his head as he looked at the screen.

“You OK?” Joe asked, eyeing him as he grabbed his mobile. “Seems creative found out about you and Colby and they want to do something with it on Raw.”

Joe's eyes widened “What?” Dread filled the young man as his eyes met Paul’s. “This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen.” Paul said clasping his hands together. He was clearly annoyed. “I won’t do it. If that’s the case, I’d rather just go to Smackdown and just start fresh.”

“Drafting is probably out of the question now. The dirt sheets are speculating and creative want to start something tomorrow.” Paul looked at Joe with a serious look. Joe threw his hands up with frustration. “Can you stop it?”

“Vince is already involved. You know he doesn’t tend to back down when he gets an idea. Paul got up from his seat and approached Joe who was clearly troubled by this. “I’m sorry.” Joe said looking him in the eye as he came closer. “Why did you have to hit him?”

“I wasn’t gonna let him insult me like that.” Joe said in defense. “What would you have done?”

“I probably would have done the same thing.” Paul watched as Joe padded around the carpet. “Baby, stop…” Paul stepped in and grabbed him by the shoulders. “STOP.” Joe swallowed. “Have they already hashed out a storyline?”

“They’re going to bring it down to Colby being jealous that you’re champion and that he believes it should be him. A battle for superiority. A bit of old school Shield rivalry. It’ll be good for business.”

“So you agree with it?” Joe asked, confused. “Not necessarily. You know I’d rather you start afresh of Smackdown and that we wouldn’t have to deal with him again but it is what it is.” Joe was surprised that Paul was relatively calm about it. “I just don’t want people digging…asking questions. I’m scared people will find out.” He said with tears forming in his eyes. Paul took him in his arms “Nobody’s gonna find out, I swear.”

“This whole thing’s a mess.” Joe sniffled into Paul’s shoulder. “Now listen baby.” Paul started, looking him in the eyes “You’ve made your bed with this situation, now you lie in it. Just get this thing over and done with and then we can move on.”

#roman reigns #wwe #tribal chief #roman reigns fic #smut #d/s #seth rollins #paul levesque #triple h

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thestarssystem · 3 years

Note

aa hello i've written this like 10 times but it always got extremely long so i'm gonna try to keep it shorter hdbznj also i just wanted to say its okay, take ur time ! i hope u had a nice time on ur break :] also i'm glad you're fine with these asks cause i always end up rambling and stuff that makes the asks really long dgzbzj

i've been thinking about the possibility of a persecutor as well, but i wasn't really sure because i was like "why would the first alter that i directly hear/that presents themself to me be a persecutor" so ty for the response :]

& the thing about giving away information would make sense, the panic specifically started when i was feeling very ,, apathetic but on the upset scale? if that makes sense? and wanted to vent about it on a subreddit about venting, and i don't even remember what caused the panic, but i assumed it was either a. i started getting memories of the events i was trying to vent about (emotional flashback?) or b. it was just social anxiety acting up again because i knew i would do as much as writing it all out but i would never post it, but i think it could've been a mix of both + what you suggested (also quick note: when someone called me fox they also said stuff like their dms are open if i need to vent etc etc and i don't exactly remember what caused the panic to spike there? but i think i was just happy-ish someone cared and then i think something else happened in my mind that could've influenced me in a bad way (e.g self h4tred) but honestly i don't remember </3)

but another thing is, i've done that a bunch of times. for example i post neg posts / vents / rants a lot sometimes on a different website (on an account where i feel comfortable on, though i always delete them like 6 seconds later) and i posted one on the same subreddit on friday because i was panicking, i barely remember what happened when i was panicking though, and i kind of blocked everything out because i was too focused on the trigger (school). the voice hasn't been back for a while now so i'm starting to think it could've just been my imagination? though it could've been i'm just not able to hear it anymore / before that, or that it's not always there (which might/probably is the case if it wasnt me imagining stuff)

also, i have a few questions if thts okay :]

this might be a weird question, but is it normal to like- have a good relationship with alters almost right away, despite the fact it's your first time directly interacting? or have alters front even though you've never heard them / they've never interacted with you? i know those are two very contradicting statements, though i have no idea how to explain it further </3

one last thing: yesterday i had like 2 mental breakdowns because i got triggered by some stuff and i was up until like 3am (i went to bed at exactly 4am) and i did some stuff like switching up my profile, i was really tired and had been d1ssociating for hours after i got triggered. when i woke up today, and went on my profile, it all felt very ,, weird? like, it kind of caught me off guard when i realized my profile was different because i barely had memory of doing so (i could recall it though, it was just very very fuzzy and in one of them i felt like i wasn't even the one doing it). i just wanted to ask, could the d1ssociation have caused that, or is that just a normal thing for when you're tired?

sorry i didn't want to send just a regular update on things so i waited a bit until i had questions shxbxj hope you're doing well :]

- fox (i was a bit anxious because it was getting long so i kept them a bit short, so if u need me to elaborate on any of these i'd be glad to! i don't mind /gen)

oo wait i really quickly wanna make a small suggestion to you. Just something that we do a lot! If you have snapchat, i suggest creating a private story with yours as the only account that can see it and just use that to rant! It makes it easier to document for later (if you want) but also keeps it private and allows you to rant about what you’re feeling and get that nice moment of release haha.

Anyway, on to your actual questions:

So I would say that a lot of the time, it’s normal to not have a good relationship with alters right away. A lot of the time they’re kind of like strangers and you have to take the time to get to know them and be friends with them. For my system, we didn’t know of each other until we started talking about OSDD, but now I would consider most of us friends haha. Also, the first time that Daniel fronted was completely out of the blue. Granted, we didn’t know OSDD/DID at this point but there wasn’t even a slight sign that he was there haha. I would say that’s also fairly common. Maybe because they don’t want to talk to you, don’t need to talk to you, or are just too nervous to talk to you before hand.

Just normal dissociation could have caused the foggy memory about your profile, but the lack of sleep definitely didn’t help lol. When the brain is sleep deprived, it doesn’t have the energy to encode actions into memory like it normally. This is completely normal and happens all the time to people who are sleep deprived. However, dissociation (even without a switch) can also cause that weird “hazy” feeling. Because dissociation (without switches) normally causes a person to feel disconnected from themselves and from reality, it can cause processing of those memories to be a little wonky at times. In this state, you can still remember vaguely what happened, but may not recognize it as your own.

Also, you don’t have to worry about the length of your asks, Fox c: If you need more space to write then write your heart away. I’ll still give the same attention to your asks, regardless of length.

Stay safe xx

-Clover

#osdd protector #osdd positivity #did osdd #actually osdd #osdd problems #osdd alter #osdd community #osdd support #osdd system #osdd #dissociative system #dissociative alters #other specified dissociative disorder

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prissy-andrews-is-that-bitch · 4 years

Text

Evening Stars

I finally did it!! Here's the first chapter of the fanfic I said I would write, thank you so much @delphinelacroix @pauciloxuent and @bleuaceofsparrows for being my betas! I'll post this on ao3 but first I want to figure out the tags I want to use.

<><><>

Chapter I

It’s around midnight, and they’re still talking.

princess_cordelia: I can’t believe we talked to each other for the whole day, it’s already midnight!

the_good_doctor: Well, I guess I lose track of time when I’m talking to you.

Anne can’t control the smile on her face. Whoever this guy is, he always knows the right thing to say to make her smile.

princess_cordelia: I’m getting really tired, I think I’m going to go to sleep. Goodnight, talk to you tomorrow.

the_good_doctor: Nooooo, don’t leave me alone in the dark of the night.

princess_cordelia: I’m not leaving you, I’m going to sleep. You should do the same, don’t want you looking like a zombie in school tomorrow morning.

the_good_doctor: If you say so… Goodnight, sleep well

princess_cordelia: You too

She turns her computer off and goes to sleep, wondering who could be on the other side of the screen.

It all started around a month ago when she went to the Queens University website and saw that she could talk to other future students. So she decided to create an account to make new friends and possibly a kindred spirit. Unfortunately, it didn’t go that well. Most of the people she talked to weren’t that interesting and some of them weren't exactly looking for a friend.

Until one day, when she found this profile of a boy who seemed pretty interesting to talk to. Anne eventually found out that they go to the same school. The only problem is that she has no idea about his identity. The accounts are created under a username and for some reason, she never bothered to ask who he was.

-----

Anne is at the library studying with her bosom friend Diana. Miss Stacy gave them a lot of homework and they were using the extra time to study.

“Have you heard about Jane’s Halloween party?” Diana asked as she gave up on her math homework

“Isn't Halloween still two weeks away?” Anne answers, not looking away from her notebook.

“I mean, it is, but everyone is already talking about it.” Diana moves closer to her friend, lowering her voice, “Do you think your prince charming is going?”

Anne can feel her cheeks getting as red as her hair and starts to really regret telling Diana about her mysterious penpal.

“He’s not my prince charming.” She raises her head. “And to answer your question, no, we haven't talked about it.”

Diana checks the time on her phone. “I have to go, or else I'll be late for my piano class. We'll talk about this later.” She gets up and gathers all her stuff.

Anne hugs her friend goodbye “Have fun at the piano class.”

“You know I won't. I'll text you when I'm done.”

Anne ponders going home too, but she knows she's more productive in the library than at home. And there is still a lot of undone schoolwork.

A few minutes pass when she feels someone touching her shoulder; it’s Gilbert Blythe, her academic rival. “Do you mind if I sit here? There aren't any other free chairs.”

Anne looks around and notices he’s right; the library is, in fact, crowded with people. Avonlea has a really small library.

She moves her stuff to the side. “Sure.”

Anne doesn't really know what to think of Gilbert. When she first met him, she completely hated him because once he made fun of her hair. Which led Anne to hit him in the face with a big binder.

However, things are different now. They aren’t exactly friends, but Anne now allows herself to have a conversation or two with Gilbert.

“So,” Gilbert starts as he unpacks his stuff. “Have you studied for tomorrow’s geography test?”

Anne freezes, oh no.

“Don’t tell me you forgot about it,” the boy says, holding back a smile.

“What? No, of course I didn't.”

She did, in fact, forget about it. But there's no way she's letting Gilbert Blythe know that.

“I just realized how late it is, Marilla told me to be home before dinner,” she lies.

“If you say so. See you tomorrow then,” Gilbert says.

“See ya,” Anne says while dashing out of the library. Green Gables isn't that far from there so she can easily walk between the two places. Well, in this case, run between the two places.

Five minutes later she arrives home, heading directly to her room. The redhead starts studying, only stopping once because Marilla insisted that she had to eat dinner. Anne got almost no sleep that night, only closing her eyes one hour before she had to wake up. She guessed one hour of sleep is better than none.

The day felt more like a year. The test didn't go that bad but obviously the lack of studying was noticed. When she gets home the first thing she does is go straight to her bed and sleep.

She sleeps for hours until she wakes up hungrier than ever, so she goes downstairs as quietly as possible to have some of the dinner leftovers. When she comes back to her room she checks her phone and notices that she has a text from the Queen's boy.

the_good_doctor: Hey, is everything alright? You haven't answered any of my texts, did I do anything wrong?

No, no, no, Anne wants to apologize for worrying him. In person would be the best way but she can’t do that given to the fact she has no idea who he is. She decides to write an e-mail instead. So she begins:

“I'm so incredibly sorry. I didn't mean to ignore you for two days, what happened was that I forgot I had a test today so I spent yesterday night studying, I hardly got any sleep. So today when I got home the first thing I did was go to bed, I just woke up. By now you are probably already asleep, but I hope you forgive me. You didn't do anything wrong, I should've said something. Sorry I worried you.”

Yeah, that'll work. It's almost 1 am, he'll probably only see it in the morning.

Or so she thought because a few minutes later she gets a text from him. What the heck is that boy doing this late at night?

the_good_doctor: A lot of people seem to be forgetting about their tests lately. Anyway, I'm not mad, I was just worried. So what are you doing up so late?

That’s a weird thing to say, how many people does he know that forgot about the test dates?

princess_cordelia: What do you mean? Also, I should be the one asking that question. I slept for the entire afternoon. It's obvious I can't sleep now, so what are you doing up so late?

the_good_doctor: Ignore it. Okay, fair enough, I was actually about to fall asleep, you were the one to wake me up, but honestly, I don't mind waking up if it’s to your texts.

princess_cordelia: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m sorry I woke you up.

the_good_doctor: It´s fine, don´t worry about it. How was your day?

And just like that, they talk until it’s almost 3am and they both decide it’s better to go to sleep. Even if neither of them wanted to stop talking, it was too late and it started to get difficult to keep their eyes open.

In the morning Anne overslept, waking up to Marilla’s voice demanding her to get out of bed to which she reluctantly obeyed.

The weekend ended three times faster than it started and suddenly, much to Anne’s despair, it was Monday again.

#awae fanfic #awae #anne with an e #anne with an e fanfic #my fics #shirbert au #shirbert #shirbert fanfic

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twilight-resonance · 3 years

Text

The Low, Interwoven

Ah, let’s see. I’m quite certain I had some particular things I wanted to write about earlier, but I can’t for the life of me remember what they were. Mostly I remember having a laundry list of mundane everydays to ramble through, so I’ll go ahead and start there and see if I remember the rest along the way.

The last few days. I didn’t write yesterday because I felt like crap. For the most part I've been handling COVID isolation well, but it’s become apparent that I need to throw a tantrum every few months about how much everything sucks and how much I’d rather be doing a million things anywhere else right now, and once all that pent-up frustration is spent I’m good again for a few months. Probably not unrelated, my focus has been absolute garbage this week. Something I’ve been working to recognize more often is that when my focus is garbage there’s a good chance I’m actually just angry, but so far I’ve had a lot of trouble actually remembering that might be what’s going on in the moment. So instead I just felt frustrated and guilty at not being able to focus or work on anything, and that compounded of course. Topped off by watching the last couple episodes of Babylon 5 with Hearthsnail last night, and those last couple episodes being very sad. So that didn’t help either of us. I was too angry to go to bed, so he ended up napping on my back while I did some coloring for a while until I’d blown myself out. Then sleep.

Sigh. Fun things. Then my dreams were full of all kinds of unnecessarily just shitty things. Like going to get a pair of contact lenses, actually grabbing and opening two buds for each eye (I wear dailies), and then realizing that not only had I wasted one pair, I’d wasted both because I didn’t actually need contact lenses. It was just unnecessarily shitty, and I think the whole night was like that. That, and there have been some recurring themes in my dreams every night this week that I don’t appreciate either. Maybe I’ll get there, maybe I won’t - we’ll move on.

Today was on the up again. I decided early in the morning during a period of half-awake that I was not going to try to make myself work today, and just let what would be, would be. See if that got me out of the rut, since pushing certainly didn’t. The rest of the day was fairly nice, sans a low point in the evening. We took a short walk between Hearthsnail’s office hours and my writing group; it was a very nice day out. Sunny, and warm, and not quite springlike but there were more smells than you typically get in winter. I ended up talking most of the time, which is somewhat of a reversal - usually Hearthsnail’s the rambly one - and that was nice too. Got home, showered real quick, and made it to the table just in time for the writing group.

Writing went well again. I did another one of those concept writing pieces for a story I’d been considering writing; it was a follow-up scene to the one I’d written Wednesday, and did a lot to flesh out parts of the magic system and world details but especially character details. It’s been ages since I’ve written real dialogue, and it was intimidating at first, but it turned out well. Surprise surprise, every character there is a shitter to a one. Then again, with a group of mercenaries/bounty hunters, what do you expect? Anyway - I didn’t finish the scene, which gives me something to go back to next time. I did eventually peter out, so that’s all right. It’s been... nice. The writing still doesn’t quite feel like it used to and doesn’t feel like it’s all the way back yet, but in a purely functional way there’s actual writing going on, so that’s immense progress all on its own.

Went from writing to starting dinner, because I was making twice-baked potatoes and the potatoes have to bake in the oven for an hour before you can do the rest of it. In the midst of doing that, Hearthsnail hopped on a chat with his sister and brother-in-law and we ended up playing Betrayal on Tabletop Simulator (which we’ve been using a lot the last week or so). They had a version that had been reskinned as a D&D adventure, so we tried that and that was a lot of fun. That and I just like the Betrayal games, so that’s always fun. Had my low point in there somewhere, but recovered well enough. Something about various stressors simmering up at roughly the same time in a quiet moment and needing to be soothed back down.

Had work to do after that - all the bimonthly copy-past-format work that I’ve been doing for Hearthsnail’s union. Turns out that last time I did it, none of the links worked - learning that was one of those stressors I mentioned - so I spent some time trying to figure out what went wrong. So far, best guess is it has something to do with the way that everything copied and pasted rather than my links not working, but we’ll see. Finished the format work (with a small gap in the middle because my focus is still a bit garbage even if it’s recovering), then went on to writing an email.

Email was about some fire-ecology-oriented volunteer work being asked for at one of the local state parks. The vast majority of the things they listed were things I could do, and I sort of just... decided, fuck it. Why not. Sending the email was simple enough, and now I'm just waiting to hear back. Between the union work and that, I felt a bit better about things afterwards. It’s been hard not having “real” work this whole year and feeling like I'm not contributing enough to the household. I feel guilty about Hearthsnail working so hard while I just... sit around and do nothing? Play some Animal Crossing, maybe, and wash a dish or two every once in a while? I know it’s more than that, and that I do more than that, it just doesn’t feel like it most of the time. It doesn’t feel like most of what I do is worthwhile, and I worry sometimes that I’m becoming too used to not needing to do anything. That’s its own thing, though, and has as much to do with self-worth issues as it does with anything else.

Anyway, nudging at those things felt good. And I suppose there’s the potential on the latter that it might hook me into a paid job somewhere down the line, if I stick around. Oh - there’s also a city council position that needs filling, and I briefly amused myself with the possibility of applying to run for that. Opted not to largely due to the aforementioned self-worth issues - still have a lot of work to do on that front - but also because I’d like to have been listening in to more city council meetings here than I have been. Mostly the meetings I tune into are for the city up north, because those have to do with Hearthsnail’s job. Maybe another time.

That’s mostly been today. I nudged a bit at working on prep for tomorrow’s town hall, mostly because it needed doing and I haven’t yet. Got some things sorted, anyway, even if there’s more to do. Hearthsnail went to bed, though, and this is more important. So now I’m here.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now to see if I can make headway on any other processing.

...

...That I immediately got up to collect the coloring book and continue coloring again tells me that it’s not ready to happen this night.

Besides, it’s 3AM, and I ought to head bedwise sooner rather than later. Maybe make it up in time to finish town hall prep before it’s time to run. Goodnight, world. Watch again another night.

#blog #journal #daily life #writing #chores #hearthsnail #work #focus #dreams #walking #feelings #emotions #waking thoughts #games

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emilyxvalentyne · 5 years

Text

Alcoholic Love CH Part 2

A/n: finally have part two up! Thank you guys so much for loving this series. And just to clear somethings up, the whole time period of this series is a year before 5sos3 was released. Also please let me know if you guys want to be tagged in part 3. I apologize in advance :,( And lastly Request are open let me know if you guys want blurs!!

WARNINGS/TRIGGERS ⚠️⚠️: Alcohol abuse, depression, fighting, yelling, and over all just a really strong talk about feeling alone and breaking (herself) down.

PART 2

3am

Two hours of sleep was all I could manage. Somehow I found myself downstairs sitting by the pool with a bottle of Stella Rosa, listening to Rex Orange County.

The waves of the pool seemed to be rocking back and forth in slow motion. The trees were swaying. The stars were to damn bright, or maybe it was the tears in my eyes that made them blinding. You know that feeling you get when you have had a few drinks and your whole body just feels so light. Well mine felt so heavy tonight. I felt like mine was just weighing me down, and I so badly just want to feel light again.

So what do you do to try and feel light again? Some find ways to just relieve their stress in ways like, working out, reaching out to professionals, or they find coping mechanisms to try and relieve themselves. I on the other hand, can admit that my coping mechanism is not the best.

Every night for the past three weeks I come down here to just drink. But I’m only ever a reck at night. During the day I seemed completely fine. Besides the minor hangover I got every morning, I seemed okay. I continued school and work just to keep my mind busy. However at around 3am every night I would wake up just to drink myself to sleep.

At first it was just a few beers. I would still get the light feeling at first. Then it was tequila, probably around 1/3 of the bottle. That would get me to sleep so quick. But then that light feeling slipped away. I then found myself drinking whatever I could find, whatever I could get my hands on. Sometimes it was whiskey or tequila, others it was a 24 pack of corona and a bottle of wine. But no matter how much I drank, I wasn’t able to get that light feeling anymore.

No one knew about my addiction. I made sure of that. I went so far as to the extreme of not buying alcohol from the same place no more then once a week. Even then it was risky. If someone recognized me then it was over I would never return to that place. This is what made it seem like it was all my fault. Every night I blamed myself. Never once did I blame him.

He did this to me. My heart was broken because of him. I knew that it wasn’t my whole fault deep down, but yet I always blamed myself. I always made myself thing that I deserved this, that I deserved what he did to me.

No seemed to remember me anymore. All of my old friends with Calum never hit me up anymore. It was like I was never in there lives in the first place. Sierra would sometimes send me a text here and there to check up on me. I never wanted to burden her with my broken heart so I didn’t tell her what happened between Calum and I. I would never bring my problems with Calum into any of their lives because Calum is like their brother. It just didn’t take away from the fact that I was still heartbroken. I just felt like this was it.

3 weeks ago

I walked into the kitchen everything was not fine today. After a long night of tossing and turning, I was in a bad mood. Calum stood me up yesterday and I was really disappointed. Today I was actually not hoping to see him, but just like yesterday morning he was there in the kitchen drinking his coffee and on his phone. He seemed like everything was fine. Well everything was not.

I continue making myself some toast. All I wanted was for the San Andreas fault to finally split open and take me with it. The tension in the room can’t even be cut with a knife at this point. It was so strong that even Duke could feel it. I could actually feel the burning from of his eyes whenever I moved.

The tension in the room was so strong. This made me feel almost afraid. Every step I took, every move I made was being watched. I eventually sat down with my toast and coffee. The only thing separating us was the bar stool that was between us. The whole house was dead silent.

“So you’re just gonna be mad all day, and give me the silent treatment like you’re 19 again?”

I wanted so badly to ignore his comment but if I did then that would only show that I am weak and that he was right. “ I’m not mad, I’m just over it”

“Over what?”

Now I was staring at him, did he really just say that. He should know I’m not going to give up. He know that he was playing with fire now.

“I’m over the fighting Calum” I so badly wanted to just scream at him. To tell him how I was feeling.

“If you’re tired of the fighting then don’t get so mad at everything I do”

Now I was mad. No anger, I was heated right now. How could he just say that. “That’s the problem Calum! You always think that I get angry at everything you do! Well I don’t I feel so damn sad all the time because you would rather go out then just spend one night with me”

“You see you are mad about yesterday, because you can’t let the little things go! So what I forget about yesterday, it’s not like the world was going to end” Calum now was stood across from me with his hands in his pockets.

I felt so mad I just couldn’t believe what he was saying. It was really hurting me just the way he was acting like it shouldn’t affect me. He didn’t think about my feeling, he just wanted to get his point across like it was more important then what I was feeling.

“I’m not mad about yesterday Calum, I’m disappointed, not that much in you but more at myself for ever thinking that you actually cared. I gave you all the space you wanted. I never once stopped you from going out because I know you needed space and for a relationship to work we have to let each other do our own things, as long as we came back to each other at the end of the day, because that matters Calum. You can go and blame me all you want, but I know what I feel, and what I feel right now is hurt. I can’t believe you actually would rather come home at night argue rather then just hang out. To tell me about your day, all I’ve wanted for the past month was for you to just come home and ask about my day. To hold me at night when I’m sleeping. A simple hug would do if you don’t feel like talking. That’s all I’m asking Calum. But you would rather let this keep going, what has gotten you to be so cold, what did I- ”

“I cheated on you” Calum eyes seemed light this time. His whole face read regret. I wasn’t sure what for. If it was because he regret cheating, or because he regret telling me.

I knew I was gonna crack any second now. My heart was hurting so bad. My eyes were so watery that I could feel the tears at the brim of my eyes. I wanted so badly to just punch him. To make him feel what I felt. But no amount of physical pain could really compare to what I felt. So instead I ran upstairs to our room. I put on the first pair of shoes I could find.

“Wait don’t leave I’m sorry I didn’t mean it. Let me explain myself” of course that what they all say. Tears were just freely streaming down my face now. This would have been the first time Calum has ever seen me cry. I never let anyone see me cry ever. I just felt so pathetic.

“Move” I felt so small. No matter how hard I tried to get passed him he wouldn’t move from the door way.

“No you’re angry I can’t let you leave while you’re crying you could get into an accident” no he was holding my shoulders. This made me cry even harder. But I was more angry at this point.

“Let me go!” I was pushing him with all the strength I had left. “Move it!” I bit his left arm causing him to jerk away from me. “Just leave me alone I don’t want to see you again!”

Current time

I drove for what felt like hours. But it was actually 20 minutes until I had to pull into a 7/11. I cried in my car so long that day. I eventually had to leave since so many people were staring at me.

When I finally made it home that day. The whole house was off. Calum’s things were gone. His half of the closet was completely empty. But what really killed me was not hearing Duke’s paws paddling against the floor. My heart was so shattered. I was all alone now. I didn’t even have Duke now to cuddle up against, he was my only buddy. Even though he was just a dog I knew he understood me. Duke always made me laugh when I cried, and he would make me feel not alone. Now I didn’t even have him, All I could do that night was cry. I drank half a bottle of Patron Silver, that night. And since then I just have not been the same.

I should have see it. I should have known that he was cheating. I knew that he was writing and working on the third album, but I should have know that he wasn’t at the studio all night long. I ignored all these things. I felt so guilty, I knew that I wasn’t giving him enough attention either. I should have dropped some classes just so I could be with him more. Going to school full time and juggling a part time job, was so time consuming. I felt like I denied him more then he has denied me. And I let him leave. I told him I didn’t want to see him again.

The heavy feeling started to come up again. This time I couldn’t keep my eyes open. The whole floor felt like it was shaking. Then my eyes shut...

Tagged: @kikibelle @shanetoo

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diarrheaofthekeyboard · 4 years

Text

Destroyed

10.4.2020

Day two of “The Crash” and there’s been no improvement as I start typing this. I went through this last year and it’s how I finally went to therapy (I originally wrote that as “ended up”. But that’s my inner failure dialog.) I can’t control my emotions. I’m hot all the time. And well, my ass hurts (I did go to the doctor and changed the cream I’m using. It hurts both more and less).

I can’t get out from this feeling of impending existential doom. It’s not anyone’s fault and I’m doing everything I can not to take it out on anyone. I want to cry but there’s no tears. I want to kill myself but that’s ridiculous. I want to write or sing or something but I’m embarrassed people will hear/see me do something that’s not perfect.

Part of this is the internet. I have mostly stopped posting on guitar forums. I unfollowed every politics related poster on Twitter. And I have been unfollowing the source posters of my Facebook friends. Though Facebook pisses me off because you can block any post you want but if it still thinks you want to see it, it’s going to show it to you.

I’m still reading everything like an addict. And it’s not just the phone. It’s when I’m on the computer too. I need to make an effort on my own behalf to keep a book with me at all times. Yeah, I might only get a page or two here and there and have to read it over later. But I can’t keep exposing myself to human stupidity for a significant portion of my day.

The guitar stuff is uber stupid. Taylor comes out with a new guitar and these cantankerous fucks who haven’t even seen one in person yet already hate it because of marketing, bracing, wood, you name it, they hate it. Heritage’s new owners commit to changing the line for the better and these assholes either want them to innovate in a way that’s outside of the brand or can’t get over that the headstock doesn’t look like a Gibson. And that’s just the on-topic bullshit stuff that’s been going on for years. Nevermind the thinly veiled politics. I’m just over it. There was a time when there was something to be learned in these places. That time has passed.

And just because it needs to be said, I have no sympathy. If he dies, he dies. And Pence had better die too, because he’s worse. While I’m at it, religion is just fairy tales told to teach us a lesson or mask political commentary. None of it happened and very few of those people actually lived. Certainly none of them lived as written. So if that’s your basis to vote for impending fascism, and that’s why you won’t wear a mask, or you’re just a “but my freedoms” idiot, you deserve to die too.

This is all Inner Critic. I hate myself but I hate you more. I actually do think those things and that’s the part of the Inner Critic that is me. But getting red in the face while typing it is not. At this point, I’m just at input overload. With that as my baseline, it’s no wonder I need peace like Frank Black. I sang that song last year when I was at my breaking point and it’s no wonder the first Catholics record has been on my mind the past week.

Then, last night I had an argument with my wife. Usually our arguments are about me not helping and I’ve made a concerted effort during my unemployment to do more of the daily chores. We’re not talking about huge things here, just daily stuff that needs to be done. I seem to like to do those things at 3am while she does things as they happen. Call that more of not wanting people to see me.

Yesterday, I was putting away the laundry and she didn’t like how I did it. So she took over and I went to read to our son, who closed the door to his room. She burst in, furious, and went off about how nobody was helping her. I told her I was helping and then she took over. Then I told the boy to wait 15 minutes and went downstairs to do the dishes. So that’s the setup.

I’m putting the clean dishes from the dishwasher away and my Inner Critic just starts going off. Fuck this, fuck that, fuck it let’s get divorced. Fuck that, let’s walk out on the freeway and get run over by a car. That’ll show her. I mouthed “STOP” as loud as I could while vocalizing nothing. A silent scream.

This because my wife, who has been trapped in the house for over a week due to asthma and bad air quality, is going stir crazy. As you can imagine, she apologized later, and I apologized as well. We agreed we aren’t mind readers and need feedback before things explode. That’s how we’ve made it nearly 15 years. That’s how we’ll get through the next 15. We held each other for a long time.

The thing that bothered her most about the exchange was it happened in front of our son. He hates conflict and just wants everyone to be happy. She has flashbacks to her father screaming at her, and apparently, he was intimidating and sometimes physical, though I don’t think he ever left a mark. That said, those are traumatizing memories and she doesn’t want to pass those kinds of things onto our son. If you’ve read anything here before, you know I don’t want to either. My parents probably still spanked me at his age. And there was lots of yelling all the time. But they never left a mark either.

So she was more worried about him seeing us fight than anything else. And in my mind, yes there were raised voices, but there was no screaming. There was no cursing. There were no threats. There was “I hear you and I want to resolve this with you”. We de-escalated, we hugged, she stripped and made the bed, I did the dishes, and I went back into the boy’s room to read to him again and put him to bed. We agreed that we do make an effort not to argue in front of him. We can’t hold it in and let it explode later when that’s supposed to be downtime for everyone. If he never sees us disagree about anything then he’ll not only have a false sense of who we are, but won’t have an example of how we resolved conflict with our loved ones as an example. Those things matter.

So the situation is resolved and I’m still beating myself up about nothing today. And the only thing I have is this is my version of stir crazy. But instead of getting micromanagey and taking it out on others, I lock myself in a small room with no natural light, and stew until my inner dialog turns on me. This is why walking has been such a help. And I haven’t been able to do it recently because it smells like smoke outside.

This afternoon, the AQI finally dropped into the moderate range. So we ran errands. And all of us kinda went crazy walking around Target. It was just good to get out of the house. We came back and the boy and I played whiffleball. We came back and my new neighbor accused me of leaving a note on his car about parking, which I didn’t do, nor do I care about. That got my temperature to rise. I wrote a new riff with my new partial capo, this time on the A side instead of the E side. Then I beat myself up because my timing wasn’t spot on with the metronome.

We ate dinner and I helped the boy get ready for bed. Part of that was it was his turn to read. He saw the word “sit”, guessed at what it was, and gave up. I told him to sound it out and he said “sat”. I said “no, but close, replace a with i” and he just flopped over and said he couldn’t do it. So I told him “ok, well, I’m disappointed you just gave up. Say goodnight to your mother and go to sleep if you won’t try.” He did, and on his way back up the stairs, he asked me if I was mad. I said no, but I was disappointed. To which he replied, “do you still love me?” I said, “of course I still love you. Nobody is perfect and you can’t know everything on the first try. I’m here to help you but you have to put in the effort too. Mommy and I will never stop loving you” That seemed agreeable to him. He went to his room, I picked Ralph Towner’s “Anthem” for him to listen to, and he fell asleep.

It’s really interesting to me how writing this has brought me a sense of calm. Not because it hasn’t in the now three months I’ve been writing. Because, like everything else, it took me so long to do it. I never wanted people to see any of this and only post it because of the anonymity of it all. Maybe someone will get something out of it. The simple act of getting it all out really does help. It’s not pretty, not well written, and just a document of triggers and the reactions of my negative inner dialog. If you read this and say “yo, this dude is fucking stupid” well that’s the point. It is all stupid. But it’s pent up stupidity that’s been trying to kill me for my entire life. I may not be able to prevent the Inner Critic from speaking, but I can slowly deflate and weaken him over time.

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angelicspaceprince · 5 years

Text

Bruised

Author: Ama

Title: Bruised

Pairing: Doctor Martin Whitly x Reader

Character/s: Doctor Martin Whitly, mentions of Malcolm Whitly/Bright and Ainsley Whitly.

Word Count: 2, 649 words

Warnings: Spanking, some sexual stuff (18+ only please), some BDSM tones, Doctor being a title like Master or Sir

Tags: @trelaney

Prompt: You’d promised Doctor Whitly that you’d be good but you can’t help but bend the rules. The Doctor has had enough, and its time to be punished.

Notes: So I’m going to try and do Kinktober this year but I’m already late so they are all gonna be drabbles and randomised bc lol love it. See the full list of what to expect and what pairings, plus what kinks, here plus my two (hopefully to be released on Halloween) specials on the same page.

Also I know Martin is a serial killer, I know he’s an asshole but he’s a charming asshole that makes me want to sit on his face. So no, I hold no shame in this.

Buy Me a Coffee

Bruised

Being married to Martin was a chore some days. Being a step-mother to his two beautiful children that he had to his last wife after she mysteriously died was a challenge. But you loved every single minute.

Sure, stepping into the role of mother to two young ones when the youngest was only 12 weeks old wasn’t ideal but you loved Martin and Martin loved you, any challenge could be over come because surely you could work it out together.

The thing that annoyed you the most that, even after two years of being married to the love of your life, was the rules that he had in place that were iron tight and never bending (which was half the fun of having rules in the first place, you thought). You and the children weren’t allowed in his hobby room, for example. If you wanted his attention, you went to the door and called for him and he came to you. Family time is family time, was another. No distractions from your work or his allowed. That he had to be involved with every decision made regarding the children. They were, after all, his children and you were still, technically, the newcomer. Martin was very big on co-parenting so he always made sure your thoughts, opinions and needs were met but also ensured that his were too. The one that was the hardest one to abide by, however, was his rules about contacting him at work. Never during surgery, never during a consultation and never unless it was an emergency.

You understood the rules. You understood why they were there. And sure, the kinky stuff that happened when you broke the rules was fun. But it was also frustrating. You got frustrated when you called during a surgery because Ainsley had a fever and wouldn’t stop crying. You weren’t sure what to do and he hung up on you to deal with it yourself, followed by a screaming match that evening because you broke one of his precious rules because you panicked and didn’t know what to do. But after that, you spoke and came up with a system, so you knew when was appropriate to call him and when wasn’t. After all, you aren’t medically trained and had never dealt with a sick child before. He granted you a little slack.

So, today, when Malcolm was, for the twelfth time that morning, puking his guts up in the toilet, you called Martin to let him know Malcolm was going to have the day off of school. When the nurse picked up and informed you that you just missed him and he’d gone into the surgery that he had been prepping for for weeks now due to the intensity of the procedure, and she asked if you wanted to speak to him you swore under your breath before reassuring her. No. It’s fine. In fact, don’t even tell him I called.

Malcolm can have a sick day, Martin would never know.

Malcolm stopped vomiting around lunch time, and was all but better by dinner. Martin still hadn’t returned and you got a call from the night nurse to tell you that he was probably not going to make it home before midnight. Great. You got the kids ready for bed and slipped into bed shortly after, promising to tell Martin in the morning what happened with Malcolm. You woke up slightly after feeling Martin kiss you good night as he also slipped into bed after a long day, quickly noting that it was closer to 3am than midnight. You asked him quietly as he holds you close to him how it all went and the grumble that came with it suggests that it wasn’t a success. You move to grab his hand and rub your thumb against his arm in comfort as you both drift back off to sleep.

Martin insisted on taking Malcolm to school the next morning, having barely had three hours sleep but needing to be with his son for that thirty-minute trip to school before heading to work. You got Ainsley to preschool before heading off to your work for the day, coming home after picking up the kids, helping Malcolm with his homework as you cooked dinner and had family time as per Martin’s request. All was quiet and easy, just a regular day. Content, you were convinced you managed to get away with bending Martin’s rule slightly. Then the kids were in bed. And it was like the atmosphere had changed.

Walking up to the bedroom, you couldn’t help but feel something akinned to dread filling the pit of your stomach. When you entered your shared room, Martin was there removing his cuff links and humming to yourself. Just anxiety, you tell yourself. Everything is fine.

You go about your usual nightly routine silently, both in your own thoughts. Martin is the one to break the silence.

“You’ll never guess what Malcolm’s teacher told me today.” You hum in acknowledgement, not completely listening as you come out from the bathroom and towards the bed. “She said that it was great to see Malcolm feeling so much better after having to stay home yesterday.”

Your heart stops. Shit. You knew you forgot to tell him something this morning. The look on his face is positively feral as you try to get your words together.

“I’m so sorry Martin, I called but you were in surgery, and I-” Your words come tumbling out in a large mess as you try to explain

“Oh no love. I don’t think you deserve to call me that tonight.” His voice is low, dark, and you know instantly, you’re going to be punished. And not in a good way.

You swallow and try again as he slowly makes his way over to you, eyes never leaving you. “Sorry, Doctor Whitly. I called to explain the situation, but you had already started surgery. I didn’t think you wanted to be interrupted, so I called Malcolm in sick. I was going to tell you this morning but with the rush and you didn’t get in until 3 I thought perhaps, I could just let it slide for now, tell you maybe tomorrow when things were calmer. He was really very sick.” You finished before adding a smaller apology at the end of your ramble which causes him to send you a small, firm smile as he rubs the sides of both your upper arms in a comforting manner.

“I know you are, love.” His voice seems to calm you for a second. “Unfortunately, you still need to be punished.”

You aren’t sure if you’re excited or nervous as he moves to sit at the edge of the bed and pats his lap expectedly. “Mar-” The look on his face makes you change your tactic. “Doctor Whitly, is this really necessary?” His look darkens, clearly about to give you your first warning. You tried, with very little success, to drape yourself across his lap with some dignity. He moves your hips until your hips rest tilted up towards him in his lap as the rest of your body drapes across and dangles either side of him.

“You’ve been so disobedient; do you really think you could get away without some form of punishment?” He chides you as he harshly yanks down your shorts and panties, leaving your ass bare. “Do you remember what I expect of you?”

You nod and yelp as you get a warning tap to your rear, not hard enough to sting but enough to prompt you to verbalise. “Count, thank, apologise.” You recite. “Be truthful with colour checks, green is good, yellow is ok, red is stop. Safe word is thoracic.” He rubs your thigh as praise as you go through your script before tapping at them to get you to spread them slightly for better balance.

“Let’s see, you called me during a very important, career changing surgery, only to hang up and waste the nurse’s time. You made an important parenting decision for my son without consulting me first. You then forgot to tell me the following day and I had to find out from Malcolm’s teacher. You have refused to address me properly twice just this evening. Five strikes for each count I believe is fair, don’t you dearest?” You knew that it was a trick question, if Martin thought the punishment was fair, that’s the punishment you’re going to get. Nonetheless, he always asks if you agreed.

“Yes, Doctor Whitly.” You state quietly as you prepare for the punishment to begin.

You can hear your husband hum happily at your words before lifting his hand, ready for the first strike. “Don’t forget, Y/N, if you miss one, we start again.”

You squeak when the first smack hits your left cheek, the sting instant and the heat follows soon after. Your face seems to heat up in embarrassment as you breathe and prepare for the second, not realising what you had forgotten until Martin clears his throat. Quickly, you fix your mistake. “One. Thank you, Doctor Whitly. Sorry, Doctor Whitly.”

Its rushed, but the words are all there. He is tempted to have you start again and add another five to the list. You seem to be shaking as you wait for him to either smack you again or tell you to start again. “I will forgive your forgetfulness this one time, pet.” He states somewhat kindly before his hand makes contact with your right cheek, again the sting appearing before the heat.

“Two. Thank you, Doctor Whitly. Sorry, Doctor Whitly.”

Martin continues with your punishment, stopping for long enough for you to state the number you were up to, thank him for your punishment and apologise for your transgressions. The power he got from you calling him by his medical title is something he’s never been able to find elsewhere, and he is enjoying every moment. He made sure never to hit the same place twice and watches as your flesh seems to ripple against his hand in an appealing manner. Your skin is slowly turning redder by his hand as he moves down to mark up your thighs to match your now cherry red ass. Such a nice colour, his favourite colour on you.

The first smack to your thigh surprises you. You hold back a swear as you continue you’re your count. “Nine. Thank you, Doctor Whitly. Sorry, Doctor Whitly.”

“Colour?”

“Green.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.” You grunt at the next strike to your left upper thigh, you are sure this one was harder than the others. “Ten. Thank you, Doctor Whitly. Sorry, Doctor Whitly.” There seems to be a pause as you shift slightly in his lap.

“You’re not enjoying this, are you? This is supposed to be your punishment, pet.” His bemused voice fills the room as your already red face flushes further.

You had been trying to ignore the heat in your belly that had been growing with each passing strike and how you were slowly becoming wetter as time went on. “I’m sorry, Doctor Whitly, I didn’t mean to.”

“Oh, but you did.” His palm lands flat against your ass again as he moves to see how wet your cunt is as you continue with your count. “You really are a bad girl, ignoring my rules, enjoying your punishment. I’m convinced you break my rules so you can be back in this position.” You bite back a moan as a finger is pushed inside of you and just held there. You don’t dare buck up against him, or grind or beg for more. This was a test. You just knew it.

Again, he chuckles as he removes his finger and smacks your thighs twice each side in quick concession. You hurry to catch up with your mantra as he sucks your juices off his finger. “Good girl.” He rewards, moving to soothe the angry red skin. “Only ten more to go, can you handle it?” You nod, looking straight at the door as you wait for the rest of your punishment.

The final ten strikes come quickly after you’ve counted, thanked and apologised Martin. You are sure you are going to have bruises and there isn’t a part of your thighs and ass that isn’t red in some way. Martin is quick to rub every red area with his hand as he soothes you, praising you for doing so well, asking if you wanted ointment to help with the bruising and pain. You hum, which he takes as a yes because soon he’s rubbing something into your skin and your shorts and panties are pulled up and over your bum again, keeping you decent. You had two little ones in your house, pyjamas weren’t optional anymore.

He pulls you up and into his lap with your knees either side his waist as he holds you and rubs your back, making sure you’re ok as he hums you small tunes and makes sure you are ok.

“Did you want me to help with that?” He asks, indicating to the wet patch clearly growing on your panties. You were absolutely dripping but the idea of anything touching you wasn’t something you were keen on right now. You shake your head.

“Just hold me?” Martin smiles at your request.

“Oh, I think I can do that. Let’s get on the bed properly love.” He brings you up to the top of the bed and towards the centre so the two of you can rest together properly as he continues to take care of you, making sure you are safe in your own mind and not in need of anything. “Tea?”

“No, I don’t know what blend you use but it always makes me super sleepy.” You complain as you yawn loudly. “And I’m sleepy enough as is. Thank you, though.” He just looks down at you with a smile as you snuggle closer to him and bring the blankets over you, you still straddling him as he holds you close. “I was going to tell you. I didn’t mean to keep it secret, I just didn’t want to interrupt your surgery and it wasn’t a big deal. Just a tummy bug, really.”

“I still would have liked to have known what was going on. He’s our son, I just want to be involved with decisions made.” He explains gently, seemingly calmer now you were talking properly again.

“I know. I just didn’t know what to do because I can’t make decisions without talking to you first, and I can’t call you during surgery. It was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.” You explain carefully. “I do love you, and I’m sorry I forgot to tell you. I’ll work on that. But there has to be a way that you feel like I am doing the best for your – our – kids whilst taking your thoughts and concerns into consideration. I wouldn’t of kept Malcolm home if it was just a cold. He was throwing up and, although he didn’t have a fever, there was no way he was going to be able to pay attention in class.” Martin hums as you explain the situation. “What if, if something like that happens again, I call your office and leave a message? That way you’ll know before you get home and I won’t interrupt your work?”

Martin thinks over this for a second before nodding. “Seems like a good compromise.” You smile happily. “I love you too, by the way.”

“I know you do.” You yawn once more before settling on his chest.

“You’re sure you’re ok?”

“Yup. Just comfy. And sleepy.”

He laughs quietly as you quickly fall into a slumber in his arms, him following your example merely seconds later, both of you holding each other in your arms.

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