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skylerorionx · 6 months

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Asexual Awareness Week (for some reason it’s “asexual” and not “asexuality”) is 22-28 October. So near the end of the week, here’s the second of two posts for a not-quick introduction to what asexuality is, and also what it isn’t. The first post is here.

Also, if I am wrong, add it in the comments.

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It’s asexual awareness week, so it’s time for a crash course into asexuality. Part two of two cause I have a lot to say.

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Asexuality means a lack of sexual attraction. It does not mean a lack of willingness to have sex, a lack of romantic attraction, or an inability to love. It is also not synonymous with celibacy, and, like many things queer, exists on a spectrum. Asexual is often shortened to “ace.”

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Where I left off in the previous post… Why does someone need to form a romantic connection before feeling sexual attraction, or lose attraction as time goes on? Why does someone feel attraction but don’t want it reciprocated? Why does someone wank if they’re ace? Why can’t someone tell if they’re feeling are sexual or romantic? Why is anyone asexual to begin with?

The answer is:

Because.

Why does it matter to you? Unless you’re dating this kind of person, it kind of doesn’t. We’re just like this. It’s not weird, it’s just different. For whatever reason, every person is different and experiences sexuality differently.

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If you are dating someone who is ace or has an asexual-spectrum label, or who realizes they’re ace after you’ve been together for years, what do you do? (if you don’t immediately want to jump ship)

Talk to them. Learn what they want or don’t want. Don’t take it personally, you did nothing wrong (as cheesy as it sounds, it’s not you, it’s me). Know they may not be able to explain why they feel this way. Know this might not mean the end of the relationship or that their romantic feelings may not have changed. Seek advice or read stories on Reddit’s various asexuality subreddits or AVEN. Definitely don’t try to “fix” them. Learn what you can, and you can show that to them but don’t try to label them, that’s their job. Hell, go to couples counseling or talk about alternatives to a “standard” relationship if you have to.

It may be helpful to know this: (go to the next slide)

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Believe it or not, attraction does not equal desire or willingness to engage in activities associated with that type of attraction; so in the case of asexuality, lack of attraction does not mean lack of willingness to have sex… Some asexuals still have sex (whatttttt).

It’s also a spectrum (yeah there’s like fifteen, it’s fun as hell!) that I’m going to call the “willingness to have sex” spectrum. We all (yes, you too) exist on this scale too. (You can also replace the word “sex” with “romance” and it works the same.)

[adverse/repulsed — favorable]

In the middle is indifferent. There’s also ambivalent, which is someone who has mixed feelings or fluctuates on this scale.

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Once again, allow me to ask the rhetorical questions:

Why does someone choose to have sex when they don’t experience sexual attraction? Cause their partner likes it and they can stomach it. Cause they have a disconnection between sex and libido. Cause that’s one way babies are made. Cause it’s a societal norm. Cause it releases brain chemicals that make them feel good. Because it brings them closer to their partner.

Once again, the answer is just “because.”

While we’re on the topic, celibacy and abstinence are different from asexuality. Why? Because that’s choosing not to have sex even though you experience sexual attraction and would probably like sex. Asexuals are not choosing not to have sex, Like Lady Gaga said, we’re born this way. (So don’t you dare compare us to Catholic priests.)

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Asexuality does not mean a lack of romance or love. Sexual attraction is just one type of attraction. Romantic attraction is separate and not necessarily correlated. A lack of romantic attraction is called “aromantic”.

Someone can be asexual but not aromantic. (Examples are an asexual lesbian, asexual biromantic, or omit the word “asexual” and just say “heteroromantic”, etc.) Someone can be aromantic but not asexual. (It’s called allo-aro or just allo.) Someone can be both asexual and aromantic. (It’s called acearo.)

That’s it, there’s really nothing else to say about it. Some asexual people do fall in love and get married or whatever whatever and do some or all of the “normal” relationship stuff, just without the sex part. Once again, and remember this: a healthy relationship can exist without sex.

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That’s it. Got questions? Just ask me, I have all the answers.

Also, I know to actually sound like I know what I’m talking about, I need sources, so:

Slightly uncreditable but first-person sources:

Me

My existence on Tumblr for twelve years

AVEN and people’s stories there

“Proper” sources:

“ACE: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” by Angela Chan

“The ABCs of LGBT+” by Ash Hardell (published under their old first name and “maiden” name)

“Boston Marriages: Romantic but Asexual Relationships among Contemporary Lesbians” edited by Esther D. Rothblum and Kathleen A. Brehony

“The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality” by Julie Sondra Decker

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skylerorionx · 6 months

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Asexual Awareness Week (for some reason it’s “asexual” and not “asexuality”) is 22-28 October. So near the end of the week, here’s the first of two posts for a not-quick introduction to what asexuality is, and also what it isn’t. Next post here.

Also, if I am wrong, add it in the comments.

Image text below:

(1)

It’s asexual awareness week, so it’s time for a crash course into asexuality. Part one of two cause I have a lot to say.

—

(2)

Asexuality means a lack of sexual attraction.

A- is a prefix meaning “not” or “without,” so the definition of asexual is quite literally “not sexual.”

It does not mean a lack of willingness to have sex, a lack of romantic attraction, or an inability to love. It is also not synonymous with celibacy, and, like many things queer, exists on a spectrum.

Asexual is often shortened to “ace.”

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To understand asexuality, first I’m gonna need you to unlearn some presumptions you might have about attraction in general.

1. There are multiple types of attraction: sexual, romantic, sensual, platonic, aesthetic, and queerplatonic, among others. We tend to bundle sexual and romantic together but we shouldn’t because…

2. Some people experience some types of attraction but not others.

3. Some people experience one type of attraction more or less intensely than another type, or just compared to how someone else experiences that same type of attraction.

It’s rather simple once you wrap your mind around it.

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Also… Not everyone is sexually attracted to the same gender(s) of people as they are romantically attracted to. That is called “varioriented.” The term “split attraction model” can also be used here or for the other points. There’s also a term “sensualarian” meaning the lines between types of attraction are blurred. …I’m not really gonna talk about these things cause I’ve probably confused the allos enough so if you wanna know more, just google it or ask me.

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Sexuality exists on a spectrum. Yes, there is a spectrum from hetero to homo — it’s called the Kinsey Scale — but there’s also a spectrum for the intensity of attraction, a scale from asexual to its opposite, zedsexual / allosexual (someone who does experience sexual attraction). It’s called the “asexual spectrum,” “ace spectrum,” or “a-spectrum”. It’s often used as the Y axis alongside the X axis Kinsey Scale.

[asexual — zedsexual]

Someone can exist at a specific point or fluctuate within an area. (In addition to being a specific point on this spectrum, the word “asexuality” can also be a general term for anyone who exists on the left side of this spectrum. Also you — yes, you, the person reading this — also exist on this spectrum whether you’re ace or zed.)

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Side note about the word “zedsexual”: Like a lot of things, “asexual” (the word) was invented to describe a group of people who are different from the norm, but referring to the “normal people” as such would imply asexual people are abnormal, which they aren’t, so someone invented the word “allosexual” to mean someone who does experience sexual attraction. The problem with the prefix “allo-“ is that it technically means “attraction to others” and its opposite is “auto-,” meaning “attraction to the self,” which is not what asexuality is. Because we often think of things as opposites, someone else thought to replace the word allosexual with “zedsexual” because “zed” (the non-American pronunciation of the letter “z”) is at the opposite end of the alphabet. Still, most people say allosexual. They usually know it technically has a weird origin but it’s the word that stuck, and they’re not being mean, it’s just the more common word. I use both zed- and allo-.

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Here are some common labels for people within the ace-spectrum but not fully at the asexual end:

Cupiosexual: someone who does not experience sexual attraction but still desires a sexual relationship.

Demisexual: someone who does not experience sexual attraction until a deep emotional connection is made. example, not feeling sexual attraction until falling in love.

Freysexual: someone who feels sexual attraction towards people with whom they are not deeply connected, and loses the feeling as connection happens; sometimes called “reverse demi-”.

Greysexual: someone who experiences sexual attraction infrequently, rarely, or weakly.

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Lithosexual / Akiosexual: someone who experiences sexual attraction but does not want it reciprocated

Quoisexual: someone who does not know if their feelings are sexual, romantic, platonic, something else, or nothing at all; someone who feels as if the concept of romantic/sexual/whatever attraction is inapplicable or nonsensical to them.

Aegosexual / autochorissexual is another common label, that’s more of a bonus label and less of a spot on the spectrum. It means someone who experiences a disconnection between attraction and arousal, which is the fancy way of saying an asexual who wanks.

Why does someone experience these kinds of sexual attraction? Well, this is a two-part post so read the next post!

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More on the next post. Got questions? Just ask me, I have all the answers.