We're here, we're queer and we're drowning in fear (aka anxiety)!

are you autistic and gay?

lesbian and autistic perhaps?

an autistic pan or bisexual?

asexual and autistic?

trans or non binary and autistic?

any autistic member of the LGBTQ+ community?

well guess what...

you're fucken great and I love you

I have 7 friends and honestly I think I deserve a 'well done' for coming so far. Never in my life did I think I would manage to find seven people as weird as I am and somehow get them to (mostly) enjoy my company. Someone clap me on the back, I'm the master of socialising.

I am the literal embodiment of gay. I introduce myself like 'hi, I'm gay' and no one at all is surprised. I didn't have to come out, everyone already knew. When I was born the doctor held me up and instead of saying 'it's a girl!' she went 'It's a gay!' Call me a f*ggot and I just nod and agree with you. Queer is both my sexuality and my gender. There is no heterosexual explanation for me. Look up 'stereotypical queer,' press images, and I'm there. It's me. The stereotypical queer.

Can't believe I forgot Brooklyn 99 in the Always & Forever subcategory

Currently trying to recall all my past and ongoing media hyper fixations (minus music as if I even attempt to list all the songs and artists that I have become obsessed with I will be driven even madder than I already am). As of now, the number has reached twenty-one, ten being dead and five being fleeting or 'I would if I coulds.' I say as of now because, as crazy as this sounds, I often completely forget something I have been/am feverishly consumed and obsessed by. All in all, considering my age, my forgetfulness and the fact that this list doesn't include music, animals, people, communities, ships, hobbies/activities, certain characters, celebrities, influencers, book ideas, clothes/styles and probably a lot more that I have neglected to remember, I think my obsessive brain has done pretty well for itself. Here is the (incomplete) list below:

Ongoing (Italics are under the ALWAYS & FOREVER subcategory) - Good Omens, The Magnus Archives, Sherlock BBC, Wings of Fire, Hamilton, Hazbin Hotel

Fleeting/I Would If I Could (Remembered with fondness and love) - House MD, What We Do In The Shadows, Jojo Rabbit, The Marvel Universe, Welcome to Demon School! Iruma-kun

Dead (But incredibly capable of revival in the form of new content/rewatching) - Ok Ko Let's Be Heroes, Our Flag Means Death, Helluva Boss, Demon Slayer KNY

Dead And Buried - Countryhumans (don't judge me, I was young), The Inheritance Cycle, Harry Potter, Crime Show, Spy X Family, Buddy Daddies

And there you have it. There's more, of course, just give me time to remember them... Perhaps one day I'll have created a full and extensive list of ALL my hyper fixations, not just my media ones, although I highly doubt it. For science, obviously. I think it would be interesting to see what my soul is capable of becoming emotionally attached to.

You have now gained (1) new hyper fixation(s)! Sasaki and Miyano has now been added to your 'things to think about all day every day' list! Congratulations! 

Currently trying to recall all my past and ongoing media hyper fixations (minus music as if I even attempt to list all the songs and artists that I have become obsessed with I will be driven even madder than I already am). As of now, the number has reached twenty-one, ten being dead and five being fleeting or 'I would if I coulds.' I say as of now because, as crazy as this sounds, I often completely forget something I have been/am feverishly consumed and obsessed by. All in all, considering my age, my forgetfulness and the fact that this list doesn't include music, animals, people, communities, ships, hobbies/activities, certain characters, celebrities, influencers, book ideas, clothes/styles and probably a lot more that I have neglected to remember, I think my obsessive brain has done pretty well for itself. Here is the (incomplete) list below:

Ongoing (Italics are under the ALWAYS & FOREVER subcategory) - Good Omens, The Magnus Archives, Sherlock BBC, Wings of Fire, Hamilton, Hazbin Hotel

Fleeting/I Would If I Could (Remembered with fondness and love) - House MD, What We Do In The Shadows, Jojo Rabbit, The Marvel Universe, Welcome to Demon School! Iruma-kun

Dead (But incredibly capable of revival in the form of new content/rewatching) - Ok Ko Let's Be Heroes, Our Flag Means Death, Helluva Boss, Demon Slayer KNY

Dead And Buried - Countryhumans (don't judge me, I was young), The Inheritance Cycle, Harry Potter, Crime Show, Spy X Family, Buddy Daddies

And there you have it. There's more, of course, just give me time to remember them... Perhaps one day I'll have created a full and extensive list of ALL my hyper fixations, not just my media ones, although I highly doubt it. For science, obviously. I think it would be interesting to see what my soul is capable of becoming emotionally attached to.

As a young child, the sound of harsh rain and wind scared me. They were unpredictable and violent, forces that will stop for no one, and there was something inherently frightening about that. Yet now, the sound of the storm outside is almost comforting. It's a reminder that some things can't be stopped or bypassed; they always happen and will always continue to happen, no matter what. The splatter of heavy rain on a roof, the howl of wind through the chimney, reassures me that things are bigger than I am. The thought that nothing I do matters and that in the grand scheme of things I, and society as a whole, are a thousand times smaller than a speck of dust to the universe can be terrifying, and leave me feeling hopeless. However, it also makes everything else seem a little bit less scary. After all, what is a forgotten assignment to the stars? The solar system doesn't care about that break-up I just went through. It helps a lot, at least in my case, to compare my problems to the 'grand scheme of things' and to remember how small they truly are. Life moves on, even when I don't. The earth will continue to revolve around the sun, no matter what. And the rain will continue to pour, no matter how sad I am.

Why did nobody tell me it was international asexuality day?? Opportunity for a day of crime and badassery completely wasted.

(Ignore the fact that it is quite definitely my fault for not knowing my own sexuality's pride day... don't judge me, I swear I'm a proud asexual)

Sherlockians, my people, I summon thee.

Prove to me that we are not a dead race, that I am not the only one left. Prove to me that there is still hope in this cruel, cold world. Prove to me that our cause is still one worth fighting for.

We are lovers of a great masterpiece. Enjoyers of a perfect art. Our ruler is one of emotion, comedy, tragedy, and suppressed gayness. With us gone, who would still be left to worship it?

I know it is still worth fighting for. Every time I lay eyes on it, my heart warms and I am young and free once again. Every time I see a statement from a long dead Sherlockian, it brings tears to my eyes. They make me so happy, and yet so sad, for if we truly are an extinct species then a part of me that I love and revere will be gone forever. Please, show me that it is not true. Reassure me that we are still alive...

I miss you.

So. I just listened to MAG 200, finally finishing the fever dream that is The Magnus Archives, and all I have to say is: Holy shit. Just. Good lord.

Look, I knew it was going to be sad. I've been on Pinterest. But Jesus. I was not prepared. Now I'm shaking and will certainly be curling in the fetal position later, sobbing and screaming into the void. I mean, I'm happy for Basira, Melanie & Georgie of course, as well as our beloved Admiral, but God. Jon and Martin, I love you, you deserved so much better, I see why all your fanfics are fix it. But even just thinking about everyone we have lost, all the characters I got emotionally attached to. Sasha. Tim. Daisy. Michael Shelley. Even thinking about all the avatars (I'm a sucker for a villian, what can I say?) makes my lungs spasm with love and want. I shall miss them all for eternity.

And so ends possibly the greatest experience I've ever had with a fandom, at least until I recover enough to start tmagp. Everything about tma is just pure amazingness. Everything. It's funny how much you can grow to love random people just by hearing them voice act a character and laugh in bloopers. I love them so much, the whole cast. The two blooper episodes brought me more joy than I think I have ever experienced with a piece of media, trumping even the mighty Good Omens, which is saying something (To be fair though, Not with that thong on! and Oh god, I'm knackered, I've been doing all this labelling! would make anyone crack up, although perhaps not continue hysterically giggling for over fifty minutes... They still pop into my head sometimes and I'll just randomly snort in really inappropriate situations because I'm gonna buy some 'ead and shoulders, 'cause I found one on the road this mornin'! and Gertrude's been on the sauce, need I say more? Yes? Alright then,if you insist - Happy little DOORBELLS! FifTy MInUteS eArLY! and Fuck you, Jonny. God, he drags the rest of us down. What a wanker! I could go on, but I feel these brackets have already gotten way longer than they have any business being). I love these strangers more than I love anyone else I've actually met before, except my partner. They are everything to me. And I cannot wait to re-listen to all five seasons yet again, definitely screaming and crying and laughing and screaming while I do so. I have never before listened to and experienced something so perfect. Alex and Jonny, you have legitimately changed my life in all the best and worst ways possible, and I hate you and love you for it. You have my utmost gratitude and admiration, also kindly piss off.

Seriously though, the genuine adoration and idolization I hold for all the voice actors is sort of concerning. VA for Simon Fairchild gets a special mention, as well as Michael The Distortion because how is it possible to fall in love with a person after listening to only their voice for thirty seconds-

Finally finished my first chapter of my ‘serious’ fanfiction project! I’m actually super excited. I love my OC’s so much. Maybe when I’ve bet read and proof read it, I’ll post it here.

Going back into school/work right after a holiday is like taking a leisurely walk in the soft summer breeze, when suddenly someone throws a fucking ICE COLD BUCKET OF WATER over your head. And all at once it’s turned to the middle of winter in Antartica or whatever, and the water is freezing on you before you’ve had the chance to dry off, and now whenever you move tiny needle sharp icicles are digging into your flesh, and there’s nothing you can do to make the pain stop. You go from having a somewhat healthy and stable life, to being exhausted, and stressed, and overwhelmed, and oh my god it’s not even Wednesday yet. You’ve already impulse-bought four packages from Amazon and decided you hate being alive. Isn’t the world fucking awesome?

do you ever get like, ridiculously depressed that you’re not a part of your fantasy world? Like, for example, I have just finished reading the three Wings of Fire arcs (best books ever istg) and I am so sad. It’s actually stupid how depressed I am. I’m sad because I’ll never be in the wof world, I’ll never be able to meet these dragons or go to Pyrrhia or be a dragon, and this is literally the worst thing in the world to me. I won’t live in a world full of magic and open skies and adventure and cute lil Rainwings. I’ll never have a conversation with these dragons whose heads I’ve spent so much time in, and with who I have a genuine emotional connection and attachment with. I’ll never feel the wind on my wings, or visit all the kingdoms and sleep in a Silkwing hammock. It sounds so dumb, I know. I’m also sad because it’s over, and I will not be able to read any interactions between these dragons again. I love the adventure, don’t get me wrong, but my favourite parts of WoF are the little conversations or moments that we see between the characters. It could be Glory and Tsunami making sarcastic comments, Qibli teasing Winter, or that one memory between Pineapple and Jambu, and I will linger and obsess over these moments WAY more than I would over major plot points. They give the character life, and personality, and I could re-read them over and over again. And now that I’ve read all the main books, I am so desperately sad that I’ll never get more of those moments, apart from really short fan-made things. I’ll probably never get any more canon domestic moments between characters like Pineapple and Jambu, or Willow and Sundew, or Fatespeaker and Starflight. I’ll never be able to read and laugh at the interactions between the Prophecy Dragonets or the Jade Mountain dragonets. I wish authors would add more little domestic moments in their books, although I understand why they don’t, because of course most books need a problem to overcome so that it’ll be interesting to readers. But oh my god, if I just had one book full of just everyday things between all the WoF dragons, I would read it over and over and over. Sundew and Willow introducing themselves to their partners parents, Tsunami visiting Glory in her rainforest because she missed her and trying to play it off like the visit was nothing, Turtle spending more time with Queen Coral. I would just *slurp* these stories up. And it makes me feel devastated that I won’t get any stories like these anymore. The more I think about it, the sadder I get. I’ll never be in this beautiful, wholesome universe, and I’ll never see any more conversations/interactions between these dragons I love so much. It hurts like hell knowing this, even though I know that this is life, I know that. I know I’m being stupidly childish, letting this actually upset me, but I can’t help it. I’d just rather have that life so, so much more than this one. And knowing I’ll never have it, no matter what happens, really makes me wanna cry.

Abbreviations are so funny, because like, how did people know? Did the first person who used ‘ttyl’ for example, have to explain to everyone what it meant? And then how did it travel so fast. Also it’s funny how some words are just two words stuck together and sorta shortened. Take ‘alright’ for example. It’s legit just ‘all’ and then ‘right.’ Another thing, how come abbreviations can also be abbreviated?? Like, ‘btw’ can be abbreviated to ‘bee-tee-dubs’ when speaking. Isn’t that so crazy?? And ‘ok,’ which is literally just shortening ‘okay’ but it’s recognised as an actual word now, not an abbreviation. Additionally, you can abbreviate three words into one, like for example ‘would,’ ‘not’ and ‘of,’ which becomes ‘wouldn’t’ve’ when speaking, which I have no clue how to spell. I know that this is all common knowledge, but to me it’s just so freaking cool. I love seeing the extent of humanity’s laziness. Oh, before I forget, can we collectively make an abbreviation for ‘just in case’ because I say it a lot and I cannot be bothered to type out all that.

I love it when older people worship the school system. They’re like ‘Oh, you kids have it great, school is amazing, homework is so fun!’ I’m like, no, Debbie, it’s not fun at all. I feel like fifteen huge boulders were dropped unexpectedly onto my chest, breaking all my ribs which in turn pierced my heart. I am barely surviving here. I’ve had two mental breakdowns this week alone, and it’s fucking Tuesday. My arson-related thoughts have increased to an alarming rate recently. Yeah, alright, school is good for learning and all that shit, but think about all the dangerous idiots you’ve ever met in your life. Most likely, they all went to school, and they all graduated from school. Clearly, there’s something wrong with the system. If Andrew fricking Tate made it through American high school then obviously something has gone wrong. Wanna know why depression, suicide, self harm and anxiety is more common in adolescents than in adults?? Sure, hormones, but also school. Secondary School’s greatest achievement is destroying teenagers mental health. Honestly, it should win a medal.

My biggest feud with the universe is that it decided to make me biologically female. Like, um. What the fuck was that. My life would be ten times better right now if I was male. I’d be such a twink and it would be so fucking beautiful. Curse you, universe, for taking that existence away from me. I shall never forgive you.

There are certain people out there whom you look at and immediately know that they have a purpose in life. They know exactly where they are, and exactly where they want to be. They wake up everyday and feel motivated, even on their bad days. Then there’s the lost souls, the people who are barely staying afloat, so to speak. They don’t know where they’ve been or where they’re going. They don’t know who they want to be. Their life has no purpose. This isn’t to say that their life is meaningless, or unimportant. They just haven’t found the thing that makes them want to live yet. They haven’t found a goal that they want to achieve, or if they have, they don’t know how to work to achieve that goal. These people need help, and guidance, and advice. Don’t misunderstand me, they aren’t broken. They just need that extra push. Just because you’re lost, doesn’t mean you’re behind hope. Motivation can move a mountain, you just have to find it.