It's already March, and I don't know where I'm going with my life. There are fun moments that I know are coming up, but I don't see myself looking forward to them anymore. I feel time passes like water and I don't have any control to whatever is happening. I don't know what to do and when to do. I'm sitting in my chair, and studying the entire day for what? Just to be a disappointment? Just to be a failure? I don't know anything about anything.

All that I feel is a sense of failure as a person, I feel I failed everyone who exists in my life and whose lives are intervened with mine. I failed every single one of them.

~Riddha

Or it too might've turn indifferent towards me just like I've turned indifferent. Is it indifference? Or is it just hidden pain? Regardless, I resolved being ignorant. Atleast it pains a little lessa that way.

~Riddha

There's a famous quote: 'The problem lies with me, whatever I touch, turns to ashes.'

And that's the one line, that matches with my charecter the most. Never in my life of 17 years, has anything gone good when it got touched by me. Life proves it to me again and again. Hence seclusion is the best thing I can do to prevent all the happenings of my beloved surrounding. For happiness and I have never been friends and it tends to ignore those who I've ever been close with.

~Riddha

My book is open infront of me, psychology was the subject that I was reading. I thought I could cure people, take it as a profession but then my psychologist questioned me, how about curing yourself first?

My curiously asked, what is there to cure in me? I'm happy aren't I?

She said, are you? Then how about lifting up this veil of protectiveness from your face and letting your inner child out? How about letting go of your ego and aggressiveness?

I reply, who said I'm agressive? I'm not, you haven't seen me being agressive yet, hence, you don't even know what you're talking about.

She said, yes, this is what I'm asking you to do away with, pretending to be stronger than you actually are as if you want to scare away some predator. You're allowed to grieve for the inner child that died in you, so that everytime someone screams at you, you're not left alone in the small space of your brain where you close all the windows so tightly that no wind can pass. So that everytime someone talks about your trauma, you don't pull yourself back and play the victim card, you can proudly face it. So that everytime your family calls, you're not afraid to pick up and answer their questions as to why you've pulled yourself back. So that anytime anything happen, your only place to vent isn't just writing it down on a piece of paper or a platform just to know if someone else is like you, but facing it instead.

All I could do was to only hear and disagree to her. People don't make the same mistake thrice, do they?

~Riddha

And then he said 'What do you want? Want to leave me?'

All that I could say was, 'No.'

All that I wanted to say was, 'have you gone fuckin crazy? Don't you know that everyday what motivates me utmost to wake up is to receive that stupid 'Good morning Rid❤️' message from you. How the fuck am I supposed to live without, you telling me 'I love you Rid' numerous times a day. I get oxygen when you say 'hehe ik I'm crazy, crazy in love with you!' how did you say so easily that I wanted to leave you? You're my everything. How can I leave you? How can I live if I leave you? You think you're crazy in love with me and I'm not? If I don't show, it doesn't mean that I don't love. I can't leave you!!! I just can't.... '

~Riddha

He has black eyes, the same colour as my morning coffee without which my day remains gloomy. Who cares? My days remain gloomy anyways without looking at his eyes.

He has become my habit.

Not in a way where you bound to go to an institution or else you'll have a consequence. Hence, not a habit where you're bound to do something, like, charging your phone or else it'll shut down.

Habit like, my cup of coffee in the morning or me enjoying Oreos. Habit like me being happy when the sky is dark and the the wind is blowing super fast or me clicking sky pics just because it looks pretty. Habit like my love for Political Science and underlining every article that I found interesting or my habit of praising Dr. S. Jaishankar on hid every speech.

Does it make sense?

~Riddha

What do you call that feeling where you crave his existence in your arms? The feeling where you want to just hold his face in your hands? The feeling where you subconscious reach out to him just to find that the he isn't there? To this extent that some times you'd rather drift off to sleep and wake up late so that you can hold him in your imagination a little bit more, what do you exactly call it? Obsession or to just miss?

~Riddha

Dyam.

there I was grieving yet again. another year, another person. was grieving love lost easier than actually loving someone? was it more romantic, more romanticized?

because if here you were with me at 7:28 pm stuck in rush hour traffic with our clothes all sandy after an evening at the beach. me having had a fight with my sister on the phone and all irritated, and you worried about reaching home in time for your work call at night, would I still want you by my side? would you?

now, sitting here alone, looking at the market outside, I miss you. but what about you do I miss? I miss your smile, I miss your attention, I miss your kisses, and I miss your jokes. but if we were actually together, day in and day out, how many jokes would pepper our conversations? how many kisses and smiles would be exchanged?

being a tourist in a city is lovely, it's romantic. moving there and trying to make a living, however? that's a whole other thing. ask me, I loved Bangalore when I simply went there to visit a friend. the bookstores, the weather, the clubs. but when I moved there for work? I couldn't go a day without finding 10 faults and missing my home city. the traffic that seems to not move, the overpriced cabs, the power cuts.

isn't a fling, an affair, a summer romance, an on and off thing, a lot like being a tourist in the land and life of your lover? your experience is limited to the aesthetic cafes, comfortable hotels, and you spend money by girl math logic cos you're on vacation and what's even a budget? as your lover's tourist, is your experience not limited to only the butterflies, the flirting, the passion, and the sexual tension? the 2 am existential conversations and the brief cuddling the next morning before you both have to get back to your respective lives?

so how much of this missing is even objective? do I really want a real, long-term relationship with you? do I want to have multiple summers with you? and all the seasons in between? would I like you in Bangalore as much as I would in Mumbai? would I want you along for my Seoul trip? would I want you not just on Friday nights when we have a date night planned but on Thursday afternoons when I am unwell, throwing up in the office washroom hating everything about life?

would I want you to be a part of my life, my home? would I want to give you a pass beyond a tourist visa? would I want you as a permanent resident?

and if not, then can I, just stop with this misery that is missing you constantly. missing you, what we shared in the past, the brief bliss is so much more pleasurable than any reality we have shared or perhaps could. I know it, I do. then why won't this sticky feeling of missing you not go away? the monsoon is too far away to wash this feeling away. for now I will have to find another way.

Then I saw the way you looked at me when you found me in the crowded bus. And smiled at me. It made the strangers know that I was loved.

I might not be the happiest person to be around, but I certainly am when you're around.

~ Riddha

Always been that person who leads until you softly held my hands and I sighed out of relief.

~Riddha

And then the day's end reached close, I became quiet. Didn't understand why though but slowly realisation was setting in, it was a lovely beautiful day and it's been ages since I've lived a day to my fullest until I realised, we had to part ways till we meet again.

That's when I realised, I wasn't happy and I wasn't living the day fullest because it was a beautiful day or because it was a day of a festival.

It was you.

I saw you smile and my day lightened up, everything seemed to look beautiful and happiness embraced me like a stroke of cold wind in a sunny day.

Now that the day has finally ended, and though we had spent the entire day together and I know this might seem very clingy, but I miss you already. And it's pathetic to finally realise that night has set in and we need to bid farewell for today and I again need to wait for days to spend a little time with you.

~Riddha

Humans are nothing but animals whose sole work is to carry memories throughout the life.

When things break, when people leave us to exist in the world alone without them.. we collect little pieces of them and preserve them till our death.

Just think of it, how many of you all talk like your mother when things aren't in the right place of your home? Act like your father when you're angry or trying to fix a thing? Or laugh in the same tone of your best friend to a stupid joke that they made?

And this is because, everytime people leave, we collect a part of them to keep it achieved in our memories.

Even when one day your mother or father passes away, you'll still shout in the same way as your mom and have the same smile lines in your face like her and have the same expression as your dad when you completed fixing the tv wires. Even if your best friend passes away before you, you'll still have their tone of laugh and speaking.

~Riddha

And then things became quiet again. This time, I realised, sometimes I I've to give myself space to be sad, to feel as to what's going on around me and stop being indifferent to myself.

Who am I supposed to be angry at? Even I've left myself alone, ignored my own feelings. I've been the person whose been the most cruel to me.

~Riddha

Females have been mother figure all their life, in some way or the other, and after all what is grief if not a broken child? What is grief if not the suppressed love? What is grief if not the love you've for someone in a black veil?

~Riddha

Learning to hide emotion at certain time, event or places was the hardest thing to learn and once learned this can't be unlearned.

' Past Traumas?' - they ask. 'No, self defence tactic.' - I reply.

Riddha~

I want to say, "I need you."

I want to say, "I miss you. Please hold me."

But I keep the words inside my throat.

Vulnerability closes the beak of a bird when its wings have been broken so many times before.

e.v.e.

I miss him sometimes and for the rest of the time I chose to ignore my feelings by just thinking of himor maybe creating his existence in my imaginary world and spending time with him. That's all that I do.

~Riddha