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EST4Life
Just a soul dying on the inside
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I wish you roses, blood red and springing out of your fingertips
I want you to be afraid as these blood red beauties appear, know it is my fault
I would love for you to suffer through the night as I'm locked away in the ward, screaming from the top of my lungs
Haunting night fades back into night, I've lost my sense of time
I still wish you roses on your doorstep, beautifully and bloody red
I'm remaining in the ward, ankles gushing crimson from where I'm chained to the bed
I want the roses to force you to bleed just like how I've been forced to suffer, not what I need
The nights are cold when you live next to a schizophrenic who smeared bloody handprints on the doors and windows
I am disgusted, afraid and sadden when tomorrow is your birthday but I'm mentally ill and miles away
I'm sorry for all I said, I don't hope you bleed and I still hope you... Love me
I wish you blood red roses, they'll be there tomorrow
Hopefully, me in my grave will shortly follow
~ jae // (i wish you roses)
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(.lonely in a room of millions.)
[Falling, Pt.7]
anguish unfolds night by night, screwing up the pathway of a child’s life.
how could a child so young and lost belong to the place of a devil?
world wrecked by misery’s design, the stars in the night sky failed to shine.
time tainted by life as the cold seeps in, tears glistening on frostbitten cheeks.
aching bones, frost whispering on his skin.
he’s dying because of his parents' past sins.
dysfunctional, are you okay with that?
he often has bad panic attacks and flashbacks.
never looked back at the past which was beyond bad.
skateboarding by the age of nine.
childhood disintegrated behind and tender life sent to die.
lonely in a room of millions.
fans will never replace the hole his family left within.
#lonely#tickets to my downfall#deep thoughts#new account#new post#falling#pt. 7#hotel diablo#machine gun kelly#colson baker#writing community#poetry#original poem
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(.dancing underneath moonlight / born into the world by simple mistake.)
[Falling, Pt. 6]
his father stumbled drunkenly through the door at three am and this little boy was overwhelmed by confusion.
his own father’s breath stunk of whiskey and his blue eyes sparkled with misery.
a child knew he’d been out sleeping and this is why his own mother walked out, and his childhood was so damn shitty.
he drags his father to the couch, his body giving out as he falls down.
next thing he knows, a horrible stench fills his nose and black vomit stains his white clothes.
his own stomach desperately longs to vomit, he stumbles over his screams and tries to break free from his demons.
hurries to the doorway and looks upon the horror he lives with a deep breath, the boy looks over the balcony, releasing the sour vomit he’d been holding inside.
he feels so dead inside, hotel diablo nearly ruling his fear filled mind.
his only pair of clothes soiled, the weather starting to get icy cold.
a child, this broken soul was set on selling his soul to escape this hell hole.
death hidden in his pocket yet so alive, a child thrives on dancing with the devil underneath the moonlight on this chilly, forsaken night.
heading back inside the silent house, the sunset on his black parade.
lights are off, phones are off, his breath is hushed, the world set him wrong.
standing against the door’s wooden frame, he watches a dream start to break.
he was born into the world by a simple mistake.
#falling#hotel diablo#tickets to my downfall#colson baker#broken family#machine gun kelly#childhood#deep thoughts#poetic#new post#poetry#sad poems#pt.6
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(.sunrise in the morning.)
[Falling, Pt.5]
got his nose first pierced when he was only fourteen, it kept bleeding.
the demons in the corner of his bedroom would always continue teasing until he was afraid to open his eyes or fake a smile.
grown up too young, graduated from his first breath into the world.
pulled up late to his goddamn funeral, life’s unusual and he’s gonna figure it all out on his own.
faint, glowing embers remain in hopefulness they’ll light up his way home.
more like ‘bittersweet home’ since he knows if he ever goes there, he’ll just be depressed.
‘cause home is so bittersweet, his parents are broken and he’s on the verge of breaking.
the ones he always considered his heroes, they’re all dead, stabbed in the back.
black leather wings in the twenty-seven club, we died since we messed up.
he remembers fighting his dad, breaking out his teeth.
stealing his dad’s truck and going out driving.
living regrets the next day, paying for his pain and mistakes.
broken glass bottles litter the abandoned alleyways, in the darkness this young boy found a stage.
inside his brain this kid found a place called hotel diablo, the place of a devil.
youth’s fleeting innocence fled hurtfully from his heart, this boy knew brokenness right from the start.
late to his own funeral, or maybe didn’t show up at all, lost in the world of music notes and neon lit shows.
seeking a sunrise sky in the morning, he sat on the rooftop but it kept pouring.
#deep thoughts#new post#poems on tumblr#spilled ink#poetry#falling#pt. 5#original poem#machine gun kelly#hotel diablo#tickets to my downfall#mgk
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(.blood droplets.)
[Falling, Pt.4]
he tripped and that’s where he learned never to scream.
he learned that when he feels like he’s dying, he shouldn’t say anything.
fall into hellishly sharp snares of the devil.
the blood droplets would cling to his shoulders, he’d brush them away, as if bitterness doesn’t bring pain.
he would sit inside death’s jaws and contemplate for a pause.
his father drinking vodka from the kettle, mother walked out and he turned to rock and metal.
hiding behind a smile that’s constantly fake, even during his happiest moments.
graduated eighteen years young, and tried so desperately to learn from everything his parents did wrong.
when he wasn’t on the top of their charts, when these slutty girls broke his fragile heart -
just another reminder why he wrote songs in the first place, to escape the pain.
it was always dry whenever it rained and love is a race, we’re all sitting in the bleachers.
he’s been trying to find his way through the disdain that his parents left shattered at his feet.
trying so hard to make ends meet, so his little girl has something to eat.
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i kind of miss summer, i miss the salt droplets that clung to my hair and the summer-y blush that tinted my pale skin but i don't miss it either-- i miss dancing in the warm summer rain, grasping my friends hands in mine and i miss the fireworks that used to shoot up into the sky at ten at night when we'd sit on picnic blankets, snuggled on each other's shoulders and cozy with love
i graduate in three years and i still don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going, i'm scared i might turn out a broken stoner-- i'll turn out an alcoholic that fell face first into a pile of hell, and you won't want me anymore-- maybe i'll change my voicemail to 'so long, goodbye, i'm signing off.' maybe i won't be around much longer
next summer could turn out worse than ever, what if last summer was the last time i'd ever get to have fun? what if we all turn out to be stoners-- sit on the warm sand of the beach, lighting blunts with stolen lighters and laughing over the death of our friends-- graduated eighteen years young, the day i was born i learned how to grow up
i'll miss you, i'll miss you-- enjoy your time with me before i go wrong, graduating soon with a cap on my head until i show up to my ceremony stoned out of my mind with pain sparkling inside my eyes; would any of you save me from that? they found him dead in the parking lot, i could've saved him, he was my best friend--
kneeling over the casket, tears in my eyes when i didn't get to say goodbye but my lips have a smile since i'm still high-- eighteen years young, i've had my fun, so i wouldn't trade it for anything
last summer, the time of my life-- this summer, live or die. watching the clouds float by in a pastel sky, running across the beach with bare feet and life so sweet. two years ago, i knew how to say no to what would be the poison in my veins but next year i might think that being high is okay
maybe next year i'll find a dealer, i'll hit a vape against my lips, even when i don't want to-- i'll feel so sick, and i'll remember summer used to be such a hit and i couldn't get rid of the happiness of it-- yeah, i wonder what it feels like to smoke and get high but i'm scared to try, i'll read these messages and never reply, maybe you'll think i died
do you still want me around? we can twirl again joyful in white dresses, my faint memories are still within and i'll never make peace with them-- educated, graduated and listened to them as they fought
life goes on, it goes on-- and the people you once knew, they're all gone, rest in peace tattooed on my wrist since all those i knew stoned and smoked their way through-- miss the innocence of summertime, when i knew we'd all live through, and now i don't know what i’m going to do
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i'm misunderstood.
they should do something, say something, no, i hate it when you don't do anything-- i've been dying mentally, at least since october first it seems. i'm hoping they'll do something, say something!
my intro, i dunno, i can't think when my brain is under construction constantly and i'm wanting more, i'm wanting you-- take shrooms with a sip of acid, it is chemistry.
don't think constantly, you never wanted me, my hangover cure from last night's whiskey... i'm, i'm misunderstood. nothing's wrong with me unless you want to count mentally then i'm crazy.
neon in the sky, black dots in my eyes, you never wanted me-- shrooms, my high is total chemistry. falling apart, there isn't symmetry.
machine gun kelly said subconscious is better then overthinking constantly, same for me-- self harm is calming, more on hand then therapy. when there could be blood on your arms, who'd wanna talk?
i'm so ashamed i don't like myself, and i hate everyone else-- still misunderstood, i'm pretty sure i'm bipolar, try to proceed carefully or go crazy.
ignoring the caution tape, my mind equals stupidity-- i'm misunderstood from mental instability, and i'm in the bathroom getting high outta my mind constantly.
anyone else here misunderstood? i'm not the only one not heard, still waiting for them to say or do something. tell i'm not alone in thinking self harm is cathartic, cheaper than weeks of boring therapy or that this world revolves around me.
i'm a punk, so-- yeah, i'll mess up. the way they look at me when i skateboard by with a vape to my lips and my rock music blasting. when they see the cuts on my arms, i'm mis, mis- misunderstood because that's just me.
i'm begging you to say something, do anything-- just make me more misunderstood because why should it matter anymore? i'm misunderstood, misunderstood.
they don't know what could be wrong with me, i'm misunderstood since you never wanted me, battery acid is my chemistry and i'm not meant to be-- misunderstood is something.
i'm so misunderstood, i really don't like me.
#misunderstood#machine gun kelly#unreleased song#jae rambles#deep thoughts#talking#rambles#random stuff
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i'm so young and sometimes it takes so much for me to collect my thoughts, the things i think don't make sense. well, actually, they do make sense.
people wonder why i seem to contemplate the world and existence so much, it is because i wonder if i was meant to be here. not in a suicidal type way but in a way that i just wonder...
i've found myself describing life by saying 'in this film i know, there's no happy endings.' is there a happy ending ? if we look hard enough, is it possible that somewhere there is a happy ending for us ?
i want to say no. i've looked and yet i've failed to find my own happy ending. do happy endings really exist ? i'm starting to believe they're just myths. or maybe some of us weren't meant to be happy, maybe some of us were always meant to feel sad.
my life is a film, i'd like to believe. these words i write are the pages of my script. i'm keeping my stamina for the fans, my fam and the cameras. i'll keep going and going until the day i die.
yes, i smile but that doesn't mean i'm happy, assume what you want. i'm looking for an escape from my unhappy film, and waiting to ink words on a page that say 'play this when i'm gone'
i'd like to think i'm like machine gun kelly in a way, i'm not saying i am him because we're all unique souls tossed into the winds of life. no, i haven't suffered the hardship he has nor have experienced the pain which he has. the way he describes himself as a boy 'born with horns' and he's been alienated from the world that he once knew.
that is my idol. i'm tired of people telling me what a bad person he is. yes, i understand that but he's also a man who wrote music through his losses, he's someone who doesn't count the cost of what might happen depending on his actions. most people seem him as a punk, who doesn't care about anything but money and himself--
those people are disgusting. i couldn't hate them more because why can't they see, he's a person with feelings like everyone else. 'everybody hates but can't anybody love me,' - machine gun kelly
we all have feelings whether they are see-through or not. it isn't about who you are but about who you inspire through your life. machine gun kelly has become a symbol in the punk community, for me, he is the equality of 'i don't give a shit about who you are or what you've done, you're still worth something.'
i don't know kells personally, i've never met him and i probably never will, though i hope i do. i don't want y'all going at me like 'how the hell can she say all of this?' truth be told, i can't say any of this with full confidence, however, i'm entitled to my own creativity or how i see the world and its people. i write from whatever words and thoughts burst forth from my heart and spill from my finger-tips in the form of ink.
machine gun kelly is a singer and soul different from anything else i've ever seen... i don't why he feels so different but i just know he is. he believed in his film there were no happy endings yet he still found something (rather someone) that made his film happy. he met megan fox.
i never knew people could make each other that happy until i saw those too, i mean... yes, they've had their struggles but doesn't everyone ? you can see the smiles evident in their eyes when they're with each other. the happiness on kells face, he said he never liked to smile but when he's with her, my gosh... through the screen and the news, the pictures and the song dedications, i can feel a pushing thought that they were meant to be together.
i'll ramble for hours and hours, i'm here bouncing from thing to thing but mostly just to say machine gun kelly has encouraged me to find my own happy ending in this heartbroken film. my philosophies on life have changed, i'm starting to believe there is a twin flame out there for me--
people i know say 'twin flames' don't exist, there was no 'past life' prior to you now. well, shut up, let me dream-- i'm a lost dreamer, suffering with syndromes that don't make sense. kelly said he had peter pan syndrome, well maybe that's what i have.
don't want to grow up, i do but i don't-- could possibly stay young but still grow up ? doesn't make sense or maybe it does. he told megan 'i feel like i'm just leaving here and...' megan didn't understand the statement, and neither did i when i first heard 'twin flame'
it was only soon that i started to understand, maybe being famous isn't all that it seems. maybe being treated like a literal god is frustrating though that's something most of us could only silently dream. those people are me.
someday i'll find my happy ending... someday, right ?
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i shouldn't be so happy, but i think right now that my neurodivergent brain is reacting in the way it typically does when i get excited, typically during excitement i tic, making odd noises and rocking my body though as i've gotten older that is something i've been trying to learn how to control as it isn't very socially acceptable for a teenager to react to excitement in the way i do.
anyway, i went to a local craft show with my mom and grandmother this past weekend. i love this place. sure, to most neurodivergent people it'd be a living nightmare. (especially if you're sensitive to light, noise and touch like i am.) however, after years of going, my brain has started to process to 'correctly' respond to situations such as this. i'm not saying there's a wrong way, minus the way that society views most neurodivergents.
i'm generally overwhelmed by the prospect of noise, light, and oh yeah, people. the craft show is all of that thrown into the most chaotic form you can think of. there's also things i love though, there's pretty things!! pretty things!! sometimes i feel like a crow, yes, i am attracted to anything pretty. jewels, soft knitted blankets, bottles of wine, glass art, paintings, lacy doll clothes. the craft show is all that in like four different rooms, my dream as much as it is my nightmare.
funny right? i'm obsessed with all the pretty little pieces of beach jewelry, and the way the air smells like all different kinds of pastries and fudge. the fruity scent of wine. sour scent of pickles in their glass jars.
being neurodivergent is hard, no matter what type of it you are. it is frustrating, not knowing the way to be accepted into society's arms. i have a hard time understanding the world as it rushes around me. it seems like a blur of colors, lights, sounds and so much more.
i'm different and that's okay.
#neurodivergent#jae rambles#different#neurodiverse stuff#adhd#possible autism#talking#shitpost#i love you all#mental health
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(.eating problems.)
One of the reasons I love my best friend is because he always asks. "Have you eaten today? Have you drank water?" I have a difficulty eating, not a disorder per say, I just find it hard to desire to eat and / or drink which he knows.
He's really the only one who picks up enough, when I say "I'm not hungry." He understands it is more than that. I think there have been a few times where he's sat at the table with more for more than an hour; just sitting. Patiently waiting for me to eat.
He's always been one of those people who tries to encourage. I know people who are like, "Eat right now, or I'm going to shove this food down your throat." Do they not realize how traumatizing that is to the person hearing it? It doesn't feel good. This is coming from a person whose heard it hundreds of times over.
It messes you up, and it makes you think. "Oh my god, if I don't eat this one meal, people are going to think something is wrong with me." It is just all out disturbing to me that people have gotten me to a point where I feel like that.
Nate through all of that, has remained patient... Understanding. Sometimes I find myself looking towards the heavens and whispering the prayer of. "Why can't everyone be like him?" I just wish everyone had the time of day he does. To sit with a teenage girl, waiting for her to eat and giving her gentle reminders that her body needs nutrience.
Why isn't everyone like him? I guess I'll just keep wondering.
#deep thoughts#shitpost#jae rambles#my best friend#inside my mind#practice post#rambles#i miss him#tw eating issues#@findingmyself08#reposted#unedited#old account#old posts
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(.Arguments With My Best Friend, PT.1.)
"Sooo... Moth."
"I told you - ten million times, do not call me moth."
"B-But, you're cute... Just like a moth."
"Y'know, you're pretty cute, and I am still able to refrain from calling you a moth. Moths do have their downsides, you know?"
"Yeah - they, they're stupid and they think random lights are the sun and they commit suicide!"
"...Yeah, you could put it less violently if you decided to."
"Fine, ahem, when moths fly, they see random lights which they believe to be the sun and therefore they fly into them, frying themselves alive!"
"...Nope, nu-uh... That was just as violent as the first time you said it."
"Uh... Well, if you're not a moth then I am!"
"Why?!"
"Remember, moths see lights thinking they are the sun and then... Fly into them."
"Yeah, think about it, that applies to you."
"Well, I do try to kill myself but not by frying myself alive on a light bulb."
"I didn't mean literally!"
"Oh..."
"Think about what you said, just think about it..."
***Thinks about it***
"I hate you."
"Hey, hey now, you're the one who said it first! I'm just repeating what you said!"
#lol#my best friend#funny stuff#shitpost#jae rambles#pt. 1#talking#old posts#old account#@findingmyself08#unedited#reposted
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(.don't say goodbye.)
i pray to god you won't say goodbye tonight
you won't ever again think about taking your life
it's hard, you're right
yet all of us find our purpose in time
if you can't hear the words i'm screaming, i'll just scream them louder
you're gonna see tomorrow, i'm gonna tell you about tomorrow
we've all got our doubts, i've got mine, i swear
because the memories of you, they're absolutely killing me
i don't know if you'd know
since you're sitting in heaven with a halo
i miss you so
you're not here in my arms though
please, please - i just, i dearly wish you'd realized that it wasn't your time to go
without out you i'm half of my whole
i'm sitting in this black hole which i call "home"
if there's a tomorrow, without you i'm wondering if i'll ever see it
losing you was the last thing i needed
i'm crying in the driveway, your death smoked my heart into flames
why you're not here today ?
heaven only knows the answers
yet losing yourself wasn't an okay answer
i want you to know that i still love you so
your legacy will remain alive with me
maybe the angels will whisper into your ears the pain i feel
send down any sign, tell me and my heart you're alright
i love you, i do
one day you'll see me in heaven
too.
[this is a poem to my best friend's family, who recently experienced the loss of their youngest daughter's best friend. she was about thirteen, i've got no idea of his age. this is a prayer and a source of mourning for the passed boy's family as well as my best friend's family. both of them are going through some extreme loss right now and are in desperate need of prayers. r.i.p to the beautiful soul of a boy we lost this weekend. may god bless and bestow peace upon both of the suffering families. giving them comfort that one day they will finally see this beautiful boy in heaven once again.]
#poemblr#poems#poems and poetry#poetry#sad poem#poems on tumblr#poems on life#spotify#deep thoughts#jxdn#sad#song lyrics#gone but not forgotten#prayers#tell me about tomorrow#Spotify
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"Would you like your sprite in a sippy cup? So you can stop choking?" - Nathan Aka. My Best Friend
#shitpost#jae rambles#funny quotes#reposted#old account#old posts#@findingmyself08#unedited#random post#random stuff#quotes#funny stuff
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(.conversations with my friends, pt. 1.)
One of my favorite things I've been told:
"One day we're both gonna have kids and..."
"WAIT WHAT?!"
"...No, no! NO! Not together, we are not having kids together! We are having different kids with separate spouses!"
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(.fanfiction preview.)
Kelly raised his arm into the air, creating a large motion as Jaden inched by you, his sweaty hand squeezing yours. “JADEN HOSSLER, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!” He yells at the top of his lungs, Jaden breezed onto the stage and jumped on top of one of the larger speakers– his calloused hands reaching down to touch the awaiting, grasping hands of the girls below. Kells keeps a firm grip on Jaden’s belt loop, ensuring Jaden keeps his rigid footing on the speaker.
#fic preview#fanfiction preview#paragraph#mgk fanfic#colson baker#jaden hossler#jxdn#y/n#old account#old posts#@findingmyself08#unedited#reposted
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(.i love you.)
it all began because i loved you-- because i thought, i'm sorry, i knew you were a precious soul with this heart of gold. you were different from all the other people i knew, not that i'm insulting all the others i love because i adore all of them and will continue to until heaven. however, nathan, when i looked into your ocean eyes, i just knew there was something completely different about you. your personality, it took me by a sudden wave of surprise. your laughter made me feel truly alive as if i was dancing in the rain.
i guess the way i talk about you, makes people think i'm 'head over heels' in love with you, i daresay i think they'd faint of surprise if they knew what i've always felt for you was anything but romantic love. you make me feel like a dove escaping from a cage to fly free and sometimes, i'll admit, it's scary how well you know the best + worst of me. funny enough, i wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.
i've never been in love with you nor is that anything i ever think i'd be able to. not in a romantic way, at least. i still love you though, so much. you're basically the older brother that i never had the pleasure of knowing for the first thirteen years of my life.
i love you because two nights ago, we were working at a church event together to spread the love of jesus christ on halloween night. it was cold, and i mean, snowy cold, completely freezing. my hands, i couldn't feel them after an hour and a half, and... then you came over to me, i told you i was cold, i couldn't feel my hands at all. the pity in those ocean eyes, it made me give a smile that warmed you and i from the inside out. your hands soon grabbed for mine, the insides of your palms were so warm to my icy touch that a shiver ran up my spine. you pressed my wet hands against your sytrofoam cup filled with hot cider, rubbing your palm over the top of my freezing hand. "y-your hands are so warm." your lips curled into a smile, and you continued rubbing my ice cold hands and nearly frozen fingers. "they're really not warm, you're just cold... freezing cold." you whispered back, grabbing my other hand and holding it tightly. i stood there, in the snow, admiring your ocean eyes as they filled with a smile that night.
i love you because that morning at arrowhead, i was so tired, you lent me your shoulder to lean on but i was so exhausted i fell asleep-- i'm not sure how long it was, but i remember drifting into a peaceful sleep against you. it was cozy and warm, i felt content just sleeping on your shoulder after a weekend of long and hard work. when i woke up, my face warmed in a pink flush and i felt so embarrassed. i vividly remember apologizing but you just smiled, wrapping your arm around me to bring me closer. after that you still loved me. you weren't even embarrassed by me, you might've loved me even more. in fact, funny enough so, you said it was cute i could fall asleep so easily.
i love you because it's not really all that cute but i just won't understand what my semi-obsession is, the time you lent me your water bottle because mine got locked inside a car. i swear, you lending me your water bottle was never that cute of a thing-- but something of thankfulness to your caring shot through me. you retrieved the metal water bottle from the car and quickly hurried to the water fountain; filling the bottle with cool and fresh water. "i want to make sure my little sister stays hydrated." you'd said gently, pressing the water bottle to my lips until i'd willingly take a sip. you were so carefree and sweet about offering your water bottle to me. even when other people made fun of us, you never got upset... instead you said you were glad there was something to laugh about.
i love you because there was a time where practically every twenty minutes where you reminded me to hydrate... i guess at the time, i found it annoying because i'm a big girl and i can take care of myself. i'm still all too thankful for those moments you said, 'take a drink, so you don't throw up, love.' you were closely studying when i seemed faint and away from the world, so you reminded me constantly that i needed to drink water in order to be able to function.
i love you because there was the time directly after i passed out at arrowhead-- but i denied my sickness and went back to work. i was stupid then, i'm probably just as stupid now, if i'm being honest and you know it. anyways, i guess you saw me shaking and... came up to me, all concerned-- "how many fingers am i holding up?" i didn't tell you at the time because i was so close to blacking out, i basically couldn't see -- i guessed two, you later told me it was five. a hand on my shoulder the moment i was shaking so hard i thought i might collapse, you were so gentle with me, so careful and caring. you encouraged me to drink in the moment, so i didn't faint but believe it or not, i was too shaky to even unscrew the top of your water bottle-- do you remember what happened ? you did it for me, gently holding the bottle to my lips, so i could drink and i remember looking at you with teary eyes.
i love you because there was the time i almost threw up on your favorite shoes, and believe me-- that was not the most pleasant moment but you being there made it less humiliating. i warned you that i wasn't feeling well and it only took one look into my teary eyes before you reached to grasp my sweaty hand-- and hurriedly ran me up to the gravel sidewalk. "even breaths, in and out." you had whispered as i started crying-- you rubbed my back; swiftly leading me through the halls and to the bathroom. i felt something coming up my throat and my eyes widened-- i'm fairly certain you realized i was about to vomit on your shoes but when i left the bathroom, relieved of my burden... there you were, waiting for me.
sure, you have flaws, sometimes i'm pretty certain that your flaws outweigh the good in you but then i'm instantly proven wrong. you can be loud, overly passionate, zealous, annoying, clingy and so much more but those aren't always bad things, which i've taken my time to slowly learn and become sure of. still, at heart, you're a perfect match and 'older brother' for me, and i hope that's what you see. our friendship was surely meant to be.
i've always hated men, i have-- they tend to be scary, abusive and toxic but you. my god, there's something different about you. i love you.
#deep thoughts#poemblr#poems#poems and poetry#poetry#sad poem#poems on tumblr#long poem#talking#i miss him#i miss you#i love you#memories#jae rambles#old account#old poem#old posts#edited#reposted#@findingmyself08#best friend
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(.love me, i'm a rockstar. pt.2.)
you heard my interlude
i was never meant to be...
me
so as i walk into the bathroom, i'll always prepare for the worst
hands positioned to rest on the ceramic edge of the sink
"t-t-tell my friends i'm sorry, though."
my lips turn to a snarl and mouth back at me through broken glass
"t-t-tell my sins to go."
my head shoots away from the mirror
yet that horrifying reflection keeps snarling back at me
"where did you ever come from?"
i whisper, tears, cold tears - fill my eyes
the reflection lights a cigarette and nods his head
he disappears
i know i shouldn't yet i smash my fist full force into the glass
it shatters
pieces of glass fly, one hitting my lip
cutting it open, so blood - everywhere there's blood
i run to a different place - somewhere,
oh my god... will i ever feel safe ?
run up the stairs -
footsteps softly echo
echo
they echo
against the high walls
such a haunting sound
a red light is glowing underneath the door
do i dare to enter ?
truly, i don't know if want to enter
my demons might just come flooding out to play around -
with my weary soul
this black hole in my heart which i call home
the door opens and i'm engulfed in red light
my eyes fade to the color of the inkiest depths of night
the only belongings in the mists of the room -
are a mirror, laying on the black floor... and a baseball bat
my slim fingers feel the cool metal of the baseball bat
i pick it up hesitantly and my heart begins pounding aggressively
i slam it to the mirror and bloody spots begin to freckle my jeans -
i scream out for something, anything and collapse to my knees
'save me'
bloody prints of fingers appear on the window
my demons creep to say 'hello'
i look to my finger-tips, covered by crimson blood
i'm screaming and running for my life, tripping down the stairs
panting like death has a choke hold around my neck
"love me, i'm a rockstar."
the sirens glow outside my window and there's a white line on the coffee table
i'm not insane
pieces of glass stuck in my face, the light falls dim
i die within
"love me."
#@findingmyself08#reposted#edited#deep thoughts#poemblr#poems#poems and poetry#poetry#sad poem#poems on tumblr#spotify#i think i'm broken#jxdn#jaden hossler#angels & demons#old account#old poem#old posts#original poem#Spotify
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