the only reason why i haven’t overd*sed is because there’s nothing around for me to overd*se on

if it weren’t for the fact that i have serious emetophobia and a sore throat, i’d be sticking my finger down my throat right now

do you ever go thru something and you have absolutely no idea who to talk to? something you’ve never gone thru before (or at least something you haven’t gone thru in a very long time)?

talking to my parents are out of the question

i am just not comfortable yet with telling any of my friends

and i don’t want to tell the guy i’m talking to (we are not official) because i’m afraid i may scare him off

i genuinely don’t know who to turn to, and i’m scared.

blog- 3rd october: an open letter to my ex

people say that writing (or typing something out) can be therapeutic, even if you throw it away or post it anonymously. well, i’m posting this... partly cos i know he’ll never see it, but mainly because i need to get this off my chest.

dear brandon,

nearly a year ago, you dumped me. you manipulated me, gaslighted me, used me until you felt like you no longer needed me and was no longer attracted to me and had absolutely no empathy for me or my feelings. now, i was raised in a christian household, and i was taught that it is wrong to say this/feel this way, but this is how raw and deep my pain and emotional suffering is: i fucking hate you.

wow. i know it’s wrong, but it just feels so good to get that off my chest. i felt unappreciated. humiliated. you emotionally cheated on me and verbally abused me, and then tried to make me feel bad for you after I started crying. you toxic piece of absolute shit. you had no consideration for me. you weren’t understanding of all my issues. hell, you didn’t even TRY. and you were so fucking indecisive that we didn’t even have a normal break up. our relationship was in limbo for over a WEEK. for SO long, i still had feelings for you. still felt bad for you. but you are an immature twat who (and i’m quoting you on this) ‘doesn’t know how to be nice to me’. i can’t even enjoy the halloween season because of you anymore. that’s not entirely your fault, but you definitely contributed to that. you emotionally destroyed me when you dumped me. i was already going through a tough time with being depressed. my meds were actually making my depression worse, i was failing two of my classes and i felt like i just wanted to end it all. so i jumped off a multi storey car park. my self esteem was non existent and i was seriously underweight. and these are things that i want to tell you in person but i know that nothing will come out of it and it won’t really change anything. it’s been nearly a year and my brain still rejects halloween themes and goes into auto-pilot/fight or flight mode whenever i feel like a romantic interest begins losing interest in me. and because you did everything i feared in a relationship, i am now paranoid and i have to constantly seek reassurance from anyone i talk to on an intimate level, and it’s SO fucking draining. you slowly changed your demeanor through out the weeks we dated and you made my fears come true. it’’s fucking awful and i don’t deserve to be put through all this. i’m probably slightly irrational in parts of this letter but i don’t care. i need you to know that this is how i feel (as if your narcissistic arse would care anyway.) and i hope no one else you come into contact with/have an intimate relationship with suffers as much as i did. brandon, if you ever happen to see this, i’m not even sure i would want to hear from you. you’re one of the worst things to have ever happened in my life. good fucking riddance.

tom.

blog- 2nd/3rd september.

i haven’t been blogging since february. i pretty much completely forgot about and because i found myself at a better place, i stopped. i shouldn’t be doing that. there’s ALOT i want to talk about,but for now, i’m dedicating this to an internet friend who killed himself on 31st august. his name was ricky. he was a fellow nicki stan and i actually met him here on tumblr (on my stan account) way back in 2012 before i had migrated to twitter. we used to talk all the time before we drifted apart. i am so heartbroken and devastated that he’s taken his own life, and i feel horrible that i didn’t reach out to him, and i wish he had known that he still could’ve talked to me. i was well aware (when we had been talking) that he had some issues with his mental health, and we would talk to each other about it. i didn’t fully realise that he was still dealing with it all these years later. i know that people of all ages deal with mental health, and it can be lasting for years and years and years. i would know, i still occasionally struggle with my own. but even knowing that, it’s still easy to forget, and i feel horrible for it. i already miss you loads, ricky. i’m at a loss for words, and while it doesn’t fully describe what i feel at the moment, and all i can say is sorry. i’m so sorry and i love you ricky.

blog- 28th february.

i know it’s been a bit since i updated (if literally anyone at all even reads this) but i’ve been a bit busy. so tuesday the 26th was one of the best days i’ve had in quite a long time. i turned in my application for a study abroad scholarship and i have a very good feeling that i’ll get it. i also found out that i had gotten the job i had applied for and i am due to start it in about a week and a half. i even recived back a test i had taken a couple of weeks prior and i passed with an 86%, so all of my grades are relatively good right now. it’s made me realise just how good of a place i’m at right now. although i’m busy and it can be a bit overwhelming, and sometimes i feel burnt out at the end of the day, i have a,lot of good things going for me and a lot to look forward to. i've started rehearsal for the play that im in and it’s going quite well so far. i’m filled with alot of joy and happiness and i really want to spread it around to others in any and every way that i can. that being said however, today was quite trying. so i’ve had twitter for a little over six years now. there’s this one guy who i’ve been following for nearly the entire time who lives in scotland. and although there have been times where we don’t talk for months (not that we were on bad terms or anything, bc we never were), i feel like i’ve known him for years and we’ve seen each other grow up. earlier today, he told me that a cancerous tumour was discovered inside his lung and that he had an operation to remove it, but he’s had to be rushed back to hospital bc of blood clots. now he’s had two major operations and he cannot even physically stand. he’s told me that he’s hit rock bottom and that he get’s very easily depressed and anxious. and hearing all that has broken my heart and devastated me. i’ve been distressed thinking about all he must be going through and i am so shocked and upset that this has happened to him. luckily, he told me that the cancer has gone, but that he still needs to go to hospital every few weeks to make sure that it hasn’t returned, and that’s what really worries me. i’m going to london in may and i am literally praying that he can be recovered by then so that he can come to london to see me (or i take a day trip to scotland, if need be) to meet him and spend some time with him, bc at this point... you just never know what could happen. and as if that wan’t enough, today i saw my ex, and i saw him talking to this guy i had hooked up with like a month ago, which made everything worse bc it looked like they were dating or something. it’s been nearly 5 months since he broke up with me after only dating for 2 months. i still cannot believe that after all this time, i still get panic attacks from seeing him. my heart pounds and i get all shaky and i can’t think straight and i’m fucking sick of it. after forcing myself to eat (after i had lost my appetite from seeing him), i decided to go up to the guy i had hooked up with and make small talk, and i worked up the courage to ask him how he knew my ex. he said that he doesn’t know him all that well and that they just recently met bc they have a mutual friend. regardless, it makes me nervous bc idk if they’ve talked about or if they’ll even end up dating. and it frustrates me bc i genuinely thought that i was over my ex until i saw him again, and its made me realise that im not fully over him yet. whats worse is, i know it’s going to probably crush me if i find out that they eventually start dating. it’ll make me feel worse. and i told myself that i wouldn’t let anything or anyone take away the happiness i have right now with all the good things going for me, but that’s much easier said than done. i still somethings think about talking to him to see if he would like to slowly start things up again. im at such a good place and much better than i was when we were dating, but i just don’t know. it makes me sad bc sometimes i have to force myself to think about all the bad things, memories, and traits that caused the relationship not to work, to remind myself that i shouldn’t be putting myself in a situation where i could end up hurt again. i don’t like to think like that bc i always think about and focus on the good in people. idek what to think anymore, and frankly i don’t even have time to think bc of how busy i’m going to be and how much responsibility im going to have. it’s all been emotionally draining and exhausting, and i cba to deal with this. i’m a good fucking person and i don’t deserve to be hurt. but bc i’m very sensitive to the point where im a cry baby, its easy to hurt me, unfortunately. and too many other people have hurt me before. but that’s tea for another day.

end.

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not my photo just my blue 

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blog- 14th february (valentine’s day).

why not celebrate this day be opening up about past emotional trauma and distress?? :))) i’m going to talk about how i met my ex boyfriend, what our relationship was like, and the breakup. i don’t want to use his real name, so let’s call him noah. so, it was the last night of the summer term for me, which i have to say, was particularly rough. i was exhausted from the amount of course i had done over the previous weeks, and honestly, i just wanted to fuck the shit out of someone. so i was browsing thru tinder and i came across his profile. he looked cut but he had no bio along with only two pictures. but “fuck it” i thought, and it turns out we matched. and so he messaged me first and ever messaging back and forth for a bit, i realised he was on stan twitter (as am i) and we suddenly started to have a real connexion. he stans ariana and i stan nicki, so we were a pretty solid match. he lived on the other side of campus, so we agreed to meet half way at the library and we walked back to my place. after making small talk for a bit, we finally turned on the music and started to kiss. and idk what he thought, but i thought it was just gonna be a quick hookup and then i’d feel guilty afterwards like normal. but instead, we fell for each other. we ended up having sex for around four hours (although most of the time it was just making out whilst naked and wanking each other off). i don’t think either of us had ever lasted that long before. and it was rather intimate and romantic sex, which is something neither of us had had before. and we just couldn’t keep our hands off each other. we stared into each other’s eyes and were addicted to each others lips. when we walked back to the library at around 2:30 in the morning, we were holding hands and really getting to know each other. we exchanged numbers and continuously texted and face-timed each other for the next two weeks while we were back home, waiting for the autumn term to begin. when i finally saw him again over 2 weeks later, at nearly 10 at night on sunday, the very first thing i did was push him against the wall and kiss him. i was so into him, i guess i was sorta in love with him. (i’m on the verge of tears whilst typing this and listening to ghostin’, btw.) we soon had sex and i spent the night in his room and slept in his bed. nights like those were my favourite. snuggling up with him in his bed, giving each other little kisses and just showing small, warm bits of affection. it’s what i miss the most. so over the weeks, i’m art his place nearly every day just spending time with him and having heart eyes for him. but slowly, things changed. he slowly wasn’t treating me the same as he once was and it seemed like he was becoming less and less interested. he was even already asking if we could have a threesome and if it was okay for him to still be on tinder. then he told me that he wanked off to someone elses nudes from twitter. i was hurt by that but we quickly made up. but later that night, he asked me if we could go back from the “dating” stage to just the “talking” stage. he said that everything would be the same between us apart from the name. but that’s when things really started to change. about a week or two before we broke up, he was feeling really ill and so i offered to go to his room and help him and take care of him. so i helped him out with his laundry and a few other things. well, remember I have ADHD so it’s really easy for me to forget and misplace things. so i dropped one of his detergent pods somewhere on my way to the laundromat and explained what happened and he got annoyed. i also must have not been paying attention when he explained to me that i needed to separate the sheets from his clothes when changing from the washer to the dryer, otherwise they wouldn't get dried properly. well, when i brought his clothes back up, i forget why, but he was annoyed that i wasn’t doing something the way he wanted or that i couldn’t remember something. so he went to have shower while i folded his clothes and put them away. when he finished having a shower, he stared yelling at me and was really upset that i put his clothes away in the wrong place and that some of them were still damp. and i was upset that i was being kind and doing him a favour and that he wasn’t showing any bit of appreciation and seemed annoyed that i was even there. then he stared being sarcastic with me and i couldn’t take it anymore and i started crying bc i was so hurt. and it was only then when he started saying sorry and giving me kisses and trying to make me feel better. i told him that i felt like he wasn’t even attempting to be patient or understanding of my ADHD, and told me that he has trouble bc he’s not a very patience person. after another two week s of feeling like i was putting more effort into the relationship than he was, i finally asked him if he even felt the same way about me anymore. he said he didn’t, and soon we pretty much broke up, telling me that it was him ,and not me. and of course, i couldn’t stop crying (although i am quite sensitive and a bit of a cry baby) and i kept wondering what i did wrong and why it was my fault, and it took a very serious toll on my well being. i was already feeling depressed bc it was that time of the year, but after we broke up, it felt like my entire life was falling apart. i felt worthless and my grades were slipping and i was just really going through a terrible time. what made it all worse was how alone i felt. i couldn’t mention a word to my parents bc their homophobic, and i don’t really have any proper friends at university. noah was basically my best friend and i suddenly pretty much lost him. i had let myself get too attached too quickly and too easily and now i was suffering bc of it. it got to the point where i wanted to overdose on pills and hurt myself. although i didn’t overdose, i went to several of the multi-story car parks and i wanted to go to the top floor and look down to see if i had the guts to jump. after a few nights of doing this, i sat on the ledge of the 2nd story, and actually jumped. i honestly surprised myself, i didn’t think id actually do it. and it was one of the most painful experiences of my entire life. i nearly slipped unconscious from the excruciating pain and i could barely walk for several days. it turns out i had fractured my lumbar vertebrae and that i need physical therapy, and the only way i could get that is from medically withdrawing and going home for it. when i told him what i did, he told me i was an idiot (in a loving way, if that makes sense). what i didn’t understand was that he was also saying his final goodbye to me for the term and wanted to avoid me after that. he blocked me on snapchat and instagram and unfollowed me on twitter shortly afterwards as well. he told me he was avoiding me bc he wanted me to get over him and felt like that wouldn't happen if we continued to hang out together. i felt so emotionally damaged as if i had hit rock bottom when i finally got home. it was both a relief and also painful to be home bc it felt like a failure and i just kept crying so often. as the weeks went by, i thought it was slowly getting over him, but when i came back to uni, i realised just how much i’m not over him yet. when i first saw him (and it was genuinely by accident), my heart nearly stopped. we had a bit of small talk but he didn’t stay for long. i wanted another excuse to see him again so i bought him a mini birthday present (his birthday was only a few days before the spring term started) and so i got him his favourite sweet with in a gift bag of his favourite colour. when we finally met so could give it to him, he told me i didn’t have to and then he called me extra for remembering his favourite things. he did actually thank me but i felt annoyed that he called me extra, bc im always called that just for expressing my emotions the way i do, and it makes me feel like i’m not being taken seriously or that i’m being annoying. a month went by before i accidentally ran into him again just this past monday on the 11th. this time, he was with his friends and barely said hi to me or even looked at me. and if it weren’t for the fact that i had ordered food and was waiting on it, i would have just practically run away. it made me more sad bc i’m only now truly aware of how much i’m still into him, which is what yesterday’s post goes more into detail about. and it’s sad bc this isn’t the first time i’ve been emotionally damaged. but that’s another story for another day.

end.

blog- 13th february.

valentines day is tomorrow and i’m just not looking forward to it. this will be the first year that i’m alone alone. last year, i was dating someone (we only dated for like a month, but still, i was with someone), and the years before i was living with my family. so although i was always single, i could wake up in the morning looking forward to my mum having made heart shaped pancakes with nutella and strawberries or something along those lines. but i truly have no one this year and i’m not at all looking forward to it. and so on monday i ran into my ex and all we did was barely say hi to eachother. he was with his friends and i didn’t want to intrude but i wanted to leave and run away but i couldn’t. and i felt so awkward bc he wouldn’t look at me and idk what he thinks of me anymore. i hate that i still miss him and that i’m still not over him. in fact, today in my class, my professor brought mini boxes of chocolates for everyone in the class and there were some leftovers, so i took an extra box and i anonymously dropped it off at my ex’s building for them to give to him. idk if he’ll suspect it’s me but all i want is for him to be happy. and i’m hoping that he doesn’t react in a negative way if he knows it was me. like by blocking me on twitter or something, idk. and i especially hope he doesn’t think i’m trying to manipulate him. i sent it bc well... why wouldn’t you send a valentines day gift to someone you care about? i still care about him, more than i’d like to admit tbh. do i still want to get back together with him? i’d be lying if i said no. my feelings are very conflicted right now. and it’s amazing considering the manner in which we broke up. we aren’t on bad terms and the breakup itself wasn’t awful, he tried to be nice and caring about it. but i was still devastated and fell apart afterwards. to the point where i actually hurt myself bc i wasn’t in my right state of mind, having been heartbroken and going through a depressive episode. but that’s another story for another day.

end.

blog- 12th february.

so i'm actually getting along well with my flatmates, they're all in the same club called chi alpha (not a fraternity). and i've met all their girlfriends and friends from the club, church. so one of their friends' names is aaron (that’s not his real name, i’m hiding it), and he has autism.  he's incredibly smart and nice and caring, but he also is dealing with alot of issues. that being said, he is very high functioning for someone with autism.  so it turns out we do have bit in common, he's played gran turismo, need for speed, spongebob games, etc. but he's also very open about his life and how he's hated himself and that he's cut his wrists and has wanted to die and a bunch of other things. and so a few nights ago, he told me that he's upset bc he constantly wants physical affection and that he's never really gotten it (he loves hugs and cuddling). and i told him that there's nothing wrong with that and that it's just human nature, and he's said that sometimes he wants to be held by anyone, male or female (he eventually told me he's bisexual) and he doesn't want to make people uncomfortable and i wasn't uncomfortable with it (but it all became sudden very fast) bc suddenly he's telling me he wants to stay in my room and talk all night and cuddle and fall asleep in my arms n shit... which, i mean... im willing to hug him but this all escalated very quickly. and so this has all put me in very delicate and uncharted situation. and he's saying that he wants it to be secret and hide it from my flatmates bc he knows they'll be disapproving bc "they're strict and straight with their Christianity"(he goes to their church btw).  and i want to be honest but i don't want him to think im creeped out and that i don't wanna hang with him or something, and it's not even that he wants to date, he just wants cuddling sessions, and the last thing i wanna do is hurt or offend him. there was a point where he literally told me to put my scissors away so that he can't see them... if that should tell you anything. as for his sexuality, he's told my flatmates he's come out but like he also doesn't want to sin; remember he's (trying) to devote his life to God and be a proper Christian. part of me feels like he is seeking approval from my flatmates too much, idk. all this has been very emotionally draining for me. like he deserves to have affection but just can't be the one to give it to him, not overt physical affection at least, apart from an occasional hug. i’ve got my own issues. i’ve been very emotionally damaged over the years and i’m still trying to figure out how to recover and truly love myself. i’ve been emotionally damaged from many things over the years, but my recent breakup was a major incident which left me in a horrible depressive and borderline suicidal state. but that’s another story for another day.

end.

blog- 9th february.

i- as an american doing pretty damn well job of pulling off as british- do not like to do american-like things. such having having wet and cringe humour, being unnecessarily loud, being blatantly ignorant on world culture/affairs (no offence), and especially opening myself up. one thing i’ve noticed is that brits always keep to themselves and rarely discuss thier deep feelings and thoughts with other people. they’re not very open to tel you their life story, and i’m the same way.not to say that i’m not down to earth, bc i very much am. i just stay quaint when it comes to public situations. that being said, my journey and story on my sexuality is very personal, deep and complicated, and unfortunately, i feel like i have to go into massive detail on what’s all happened and how it’s impacted me. it’ll make me vulnerable, but easier to understand and empathise with. this is going to be a particularly long read tho.

the date is 07/07/2010. it was the summer before the 7th grade and i had just realised my sexuality only a few months earlier. the worst night of my life. the night my parents found out about my sexuality. i was only 12. but the way the found out was rather quite stupid and embarrassing (no i wasn’t wanking and it wasn’t porn). at the time, i didn't have a phone. and my favourite show would come on at 1 am. but i didn't feel like staying up late, so what i did was borrow my grandmas phone and set an alarm. well in the alarm it had an option for a message. well my dumbass self put “get the hell up you bisexual fucker”. yeah. well, when my grandma went to puerto rico for a funeral, she left her phone bc she wouldn’t have any service over there. and i had forgotten to take off that alarm. so my mom is just going thru the phone (idk why) and she happens to come across it. she calls me downstairs and confronts me about it. after about 10 minutes what seems like an interrogation ( and me not talking, i felt as tho i had no choice but to admit it). they started crying and told me how its never okay even if the world says it is, and they brought up sodom and gomorrah and told me i needed to have a long prayer. my relationship with them hasn't never really been the same since then. so after that, i kinda ignored thinking about my sexuality. i would just go thru my day, occasionally look at gay pictures at night, then go to sleep. then, toward the end of 7th grade, i ended up taking nudes and sending them on http://showyourdick.com (terrible, i know) and they. ended. up. seeing. the. pics. it made things a shit tonne worse. i was still closeted at school, i had been accused of being gay as early as 4th grade, before i even knew i was gay (im actually bi/pan, but lets just use the word gay for now). fast foward to the beginning of 9th grade (late 2012). i had already been stanning nicki for almost a year, but i was still closeted. i also had a tumblr account(not this one). not only did i still kinda feel bad about being gay, but i was terribly insecure as well. i ended up starting to cut myself around late September. but for a while it was only on my thighs bc i didnt want anyone to see. later, in january 2013, i was feeling really depressed one night, and i kinda went on a cutting tirade. (trigger warning) i even cut my arm. i remember feeling the warm blood running down my leg and feeling dizzy, with my ears fogging up and nearly passing out in the bathroom. this next part may sound wierd. maybe its just me, maybe it was the fogging in my ears, idk. but i remember hearing nickis voice, almost aloud, and she said Stop. crazy init.  the next morning, i got really scared, bc my sleeve wouldn't completely cover up the scars. well, one of my teachers saw (i still dont know who) and reported it to the office, and one of the guidance counselors called my parents and told them. another really bad day. the next day, my guidance counselor called me down, even the principle came in the room. they told me they were sending me to a place where i would have therapy. i agreed to it, but i wasnt aware that i would be forced to spend 3 nights there. its called being Baker Acted.  the deputy at my school called my mom and told her where they were taking me but they didn't tell her i was required by law to spend 72 consecutive hours there. so when she came to pick me up that night, thats when she found out. needless to say she was crying. alot. and as if it wasn't bad enough, it just so happened to be her wedding anniversary.  i end up relapsing 2 more times after that whole ordeal. the last time was march 9th, 2013. so things temporarily improve for the summer. i ended up (finally) coming out to my closest friends. but i never made a big deal out of it. like i never made a big post on facebook or IG or anything. I kinda just let people figure it out and have their own assumptions. so september rolls around and i end up getting depressed again (september is always a bad month for me) but i promised myself i wouldnt cut myself again. so i end up overdosing. alot. 7 pills at a time. (it was just vyvanse tho, its not like it was percs or oxycodone.) so my parents went thru my texts and they found out about what i was doing and thats when the trust begins to deterioate again. they would always take away my phone at night. they said its bc of some report they saw on the news where having your phone in your room while your sleeping is unhealthy (which.. they were right. but it’s ovbious that wasn’t the real reason they took it.) it was bloody annoying. but back then, they would only take it on school nights, and sometimes i would sneak it back, and although they got mad, they wouldn't really do anything about it. also, as you could’ve probably guessed, i had downloaded a couple of gay apps because i was curious. the first time i downloaded grindr, i was in the 8th grade. and it wasn't the only app i would download. there was also hornet and jack’d. well, theres this one guy who i ended up talking to. and i end up sending nudes to him on kik. and my parents end up going through my kik. this was in december 2013. my horny self was just tryna hookup. welp. they see the messages. things go downfuckinghill fast. they barge into my room, one second they're yelling at me shoving the screen in my face and then the next thing I know my dad is shoves me down and kicks me multiple times, and my mom ends up calling the police and filing a report. to say it was traumatising is an understatement. but because it's kik, theres not much they can do. this renders me phoneless all the way until june of 2015. and at this point i wanna take a little bit of a detour. bc i almost feel as though my life as a normal teenager has been robbed.

some of you may ask why i didn’t move in with relatives or just file a report to social services.

they wouldn't let me. and bc they're broke and aren't good at finances, that's what they (we’re) doing anyway. my family is living with my grandparents for like the 4th time since i was born. so they change the password in my phone and im only allowed to use it when they say (this is february 2014, roughly) and i have to be in the same room as them. and then in march, something goes wrong with my phone and it wont read the SIM card. so now i can't even call or text.  things just didn’t get better that year. its summer 2014, and now they suddenly change the password to my laptop. (they still won't tell me the password). i started crying and begged them to change it back. so they did. but just a month later, on July 11th, they change it. and its stayed that way. so now its june of 2015. they buy me a new phone, but they said there are "rules for having the phone" and they take it away every night. well, in november, i had downloaded grindr. theres this feature on my phone where i can hide an app, but one day, back in november, i forgot to hide the app. so they saw it. and they didn't even open the app (it was password locked) and i refused to give them the password. so now im phoneless.... again. and this time they wouldn't even let me use it... at all. so i went back to having to use my grandmas phone and computer to log onto Twitter. for the longest time, i could only be on twitter from 4-8pm on weekdays bc thats whenever i had access. fast foward to april 2016 and im taking a college class across town. all of a sudden, my mom hands me my phone, and im shocked. she says im only having it on a "limited basis". so for about a month, im only allowed to use it outside the house, but they eventually let up. every once in a while, we still get into an argument about it.  may 2016: its time for me to choose what college to go to. my mom had made me apply to a christian university about 30 miles away. i didnt wanna go, but the other college i had been looking at had ran into financial trouble, the big public university in my city didn't accept me, and i didn't wanna go to a community college. plus, the christian university (southeastern University) offered me a bunch of money in scholarships. and i honestly felt forced to go. by august of 2016, things start to drastically change. most of it is in a good way, but there are still some things that are... iffy, for lack of a better term. i’m beginning to lose weight and my grades are actually good for once, but my phone is still taken way at night all the way to december, when they finally stop. then in january 2017, i am finally able to buy an iphone. at this point, everything sort of catches up to the previous post. there’s still loads for me to explain but this is enough for now.

on a side note, it’s amazing how different things are for me now after looking back at all that. i still can’t believe that we are in 2019 and that i graduated high school nearly 3 years ago. i’m gobsmacked at how much i have changed since then. it’s a lot to ponder on. and i’m glad to say that i’m currently at the happiest place i’ve been in for years. maybe ever.

end.