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luvvyd0vey · 3 months

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The way I look is not me.

The way I look sure influences the way others perceive me which may or may not influence my perception of myself, correctly or incorrectly, but the way I look when I see myself in the mirror is not the way I see myself.

I am my interests, my Pinterest boards, my prized projects and possessions, and most of all my hands, the only part of myself which I really perceive as me - which helps create the projects made of me and the art made of me and the actions I myself preform.

When I look in a mirror, I do not see me, it's not that I dislike what I see, it's pleasant enough, but it just isn't me. It's jarring in a way to not see myself the way I perceive myself to be, especially when I am hit with the realisation that my appearance in the mirror is all others see of me, for the most part.

To look in the mirror and not recognise myself often leaves me rather lost.

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luvvyd0vey · 4 months

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I totally understand that a lot of people get serotonin from just buying books for a physical TBR list but also that must be sooo much money?!

Personally I get the book(s) from the library and if I liked them THEN I’ll buy it so I can reread it and have a physical collection of the books I really enjoyed. I feel like it saves a lot and makes me way more proud with my little book collection.

This also helps support your local library!

It just makes more sense than wasting money on a book you might not like when you could save and buy a special edition of a favourite book or something.

Especially when I see those TikToks where someone turns around every book they haven’t read on their bookshelves and it’s it ends up being MOST of them.

No hate if buying books is your thing though, cause I also feel soo satisfied every time I leave Waterstones with anything, but just a thought I had.

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luvvyd0vey · 7 months

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Fanfiction has absolutely ruined traditional books for me in the best and worst ways possible;

It’s made my expectations of the pace and amount of dopamine I should get from each and every scene skyrocket

It’s made me grow addicted to basically being able to find the exact very specific concept I crave at any moment because all I have to do on websites like Ao3 is put in the pairing or fandom and the tags I want and I can scroll however long I want until I find something that really peaks my interest, especially cause I have the luxury of passing by fics that don’t grab my attention and run away with it

Not only that but the long wait you have after hearing about a book and having to order it into your local library which could take weeks and so either a) the anticipation is building and so you either thoroughly enjoy the book or are greatly disappointed or b) by the time you get the book you are much less enthralled about it and instead of being really into it and are really just reading it for the fact you had to wait so long for it - but with fanfiction as soon as you read the tags and summary (not only can you see the amount of views, likes, comments, words and chapters) the excitement is already there and you are hit with rush after rush of dopamine.

And if the fic turns out to be disappointing or unfinished, it’s quite likely you can find a very similar fic to fulfil your needs almost immediately so you don’t stay disappointed for long.

And you get to directly interact with the fic writer which on its own I love.

Fanfic writers always have just so much love for their fic and you can often see that in their work, which with a lot of traditional writers it seems like they are dragging themselves to finish it off.

And it’s super easy to get into a fic whether or not you’re in a fandom as often you don’t really need much knowledge on the cannon material, but if you do and loved it then that strong emotional connection to characters is prebuilt, whilst with traditional writers they have to build that up which is where a lot of books fall flat, whereas if a fic writer made the same mistake then it’s okay because you already know the character from the original material.

The most mid quality fanfics often beat what I would consider 4 star books.

Also when I first discovered fanfic just so happened to be the time I was going through my first book slump (which then lasted 7 years) and I don’t know if the rush I got from fic only encouraged my book slump or if it would have lasted this long anyway, but it definitely raised my expectations and made slow-starting books difficult to bring myself to open.

Also a lot of my favourite writing concepts are things entirely found in fanfiction or just little stories/oneshots I read here on tumblr and NEVER in official published books. And if there ARE hints of them in traditional books they are usually minimal and badly written, and/or almost completely ignored in favour of smut.

And that goes onto my next point which is in fics, I know what I’m getting into before I even click on it; I’m immediately shown what type of content I’m about to consume (as in rating, the pairing(s), if there’s smut or hurt/comfort or what) whereas with books I often have to really dig to find out what sort of content is in it without buying the book and seeing the content warnings on the first few pages, which is an issue if you are trying to avoid a smut scene which was in no way hinted at in the blurb.

My main reason to try get back into traditional books is reading new content with new characters, be able to talk about it with my family (without having to explain the concept of fanfiction), and maybe possibly to put on display in my home.

But as I’ve been picking up books to read, I’m realising how much fanfic has raised my expectations for writing and having the best pick for whatever storyline I’d like and have come to the conclusion it has honestly ruined me, and possibly my attention span.

I don’t know

I’ll probably post several more-coherent posts about this later but for now enjoy my raw thoughts.

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