The Depression Train Is HERE

I think we’ve all hit some level of depression the last few months, but mine JUST NOW arrived and, girl, the train is in the station. She came in fast, she came in late, and she is disruptive AF. The past week or so I just have no energy to do things like answer emails or cook or go do our grocery shopping or do anything else I normally love doing. I’m also a weird mix of over-emotional and like dead inside? Like I finished The Big Flower Fight (10/10 recommend, btw. Like British Bakeoff but instead of baking they made giant floral arrangements) and I CRIED EVERY EPISODE. But yesterday I got accepted to a really good grad school program (yet again) AND had a really really good job interview, and I feel like I couldn’t care less.

The other annoying thing with this is depression food. Usually, my depression meals are just like fries, boxed mac, and if I want something healthy then just like carrot sticks and ranch, or precut fruit. However, this quarantine has really fucked with my GI tract and IBS. I haven’t been eating very well, which over time makes my bathroom trips very frequent if I don’t eat specific foods (not exactly Low FODMAP, just specific meals). And it just so happens that none of the okay specific foods are something I want/have the energy to make during a depression bubble, and I think my stomach feeling like shit makes my depression worse. It’s a stupid cycle.

Usually with these cyclical things I can snap out of it pretty well, but for this I either need to sacrifice my physical health and just keep eating shit until my depression is gone, or sacrifice my mental health and push myself to continuously make more nutritious meals and actually eat them for a while to rebalance my insides. I’m not sure what track I wanna go with yet so I’m just here, sitting in bed, eating dry Cap’n Crunch and a ton of water. Somewhere in my noggin that is a good balance? Not sure how but whatever.

Follow Up Post

Book I know this post and the previous one have nothing to do with IBS. That’s okay. My very mild condition is nothing compared to the problems the world is facing right now.

But back to the actual revolution happening currently.

Things I am doing to help:

- Donating!!! My checking account is down to $3 because I’ve been spending my money on GoFundMe pages and ActBlue (the website that splits up your donation between causes). And also, when I order food or anything, ordering from black owned businesses.

- Spreading info!!! I cannot be at protests because of personal reasons, so I have been using the info from friends who’ve been there every day to talk to my family. News outlets censor, lie, and omit vital details. But social media livestreams don’t lie.

- Having hard conversations. This means before automatically unfriending anyone posting All Lives Matter bullshit or whatever, I try educating them first. If it’s really a lost cause, then sure. They’re gone. But because I am white, it is my job to educate other white people.

Personal favorite education sources:

- When They See Us (Limited Series on Netflix in case you’ve been living under a rock)

- 13th (Film)

- The Fire This Time (Book by Jesmyn Ward, a modern updated version of James Baldwin’s The Fire Next Time)

- Black, White, and Jewish (Book by Rebecca Walker)

- When They Call You A Terrorist (Book by Patrisse Khan-Cullers and Asha Bandele, the women who started the Black Lives Matter movement)

Black Lives Matter (long post warning)

As usual, I forgot about this blog. My bad. How the hell do people keep up with blogs weekly??

Anyways, there is a lot going on right now in the world and in my life so I’m gonna at least touch on all of that in this post.

First, the pandemic. Still going on. Not much new there except Memorial Day (at least in the midwest) proved people are still dumb af and all flocked to the Ozarks and then there was a huge spike in positive tests. Great.

Second, my life. With the festival I’ve been working at, I’m now up to about 35 hours a week on it, still unpaid. I am head of digital, social media, and the intern program. Because the whole festival has been moved online, I’m essentially in charge of organizing the whole festival. It’s scary, it’s weird, it’s fun.

Third, and most important, Black Lives Matter. There is A LOT to say about this and believe me, my personal social medias have been the most active they’ve been in years. Growing up in predominantly black schools, it was kinda a no-brainer for me that racism is 100% alive and effecting my friends, classmates, neighbors, exes. I honestly didn’t even realize people thought that the Obama administration meant an end to racism until I went to college. 

I am so angry. I am angry at people who think the problem is protesters. I am angry at the people who just say “Well I’m not a political person so I’m staying out of it.” I am angry at the people who are saying “There’s good cops too!” I am angry at the white people claiming to never have been racist in their entire lives.

This is not a political issue. It is a human rights issue, a respect issue, and a general human decency issue. You’re either against police brutality or you’re for it. There is no middle ground, there is no legit argument for “well this wouldn’t happen if they followed the law”. All cops are evil. Not all cops have murdered people, but if you’re still choosing to be a cop at this point, you are actively encouraging the system that has made police brutality acceptable. And that participation makes you a bad cop.

As for the white people claiming they’ve never said or done anything racist, you’re lying. ALL of us white people have said, done, or thought something racist. It is the result of generations of systematic racism. That is also a system that ALL white people benefit from. This is not a time to say “Well I’m not one of the bad ones” because sure, you’ve probably never yelled the N word at someone. But maybe you’ve silently questioned a black person shopping in Trader Joes rather than Dollar General, or you’ve crossed the street when you saw a black person walking your direction on the sidewalk. All of these are racist acts that society has ingrained in you. 

What really matters is what action you take next. You MUST acknowledge your racist thought. You can’t make any progress until you do. Yes, it’s hard realizing you did something racist, but your comfort is not important compared to actual black lives. After you’ve done that, you start learning. DO NOT ask your black friends to teach you. It is not their job to relive their traumas for you when Google and books and Netflix exist. And then start living your life with your newfound knowledge. It is our job to call out other white people and to correct them. If you see or hear something and choose to ignore it, congrats. You’ve just backtracked all the way back to step one. 

Goin’ Thru It

Ya’ll. Life is really testing me lately.

So, I forget if I’ve talked about this but since January I’ve been working part-time for a local arts nonprofit. I’ve been able to do this because I am extremely privileged in that I live at home, do not have rent or utilities to pay, and drive a Prius where I only need gas like once a month. However, I do still have phone and car insurance to pay, plus any food my mom wouldn’t get on a normal food shop (aka any of the more expensive dairy/meat free things I eat), and anything like coffee or whatever. 

With everything going on lately, my work has lost over half of the artist deposits that usually make up 90% of our operating costs for March-September, and all of the grants we normally qualify for have been redirected to individual people and artists, not the organizations. So I haven’t been paid in about 2 months. Today, my boss called to tell me (amongst other things) that we’ve lost so much money we have to empty out our storage units and OUR OFFICE because we can’t afford rent anymore. So there is no way I’m getting paid anytime soon. Also, because there is less than 4 salaried employees, they organization doesn’t qualify for unemployment.

On top of that, last week I had my second interview for a full-time position at another nonprofit that I REALLY wanted. I was 100% fully qualified, could start ASAP, their salary is right in my pay range, but I found out a few days ago I didn’t get it because another applicant had more experience than me (aka more experience than they asked for which is bullshit, if you ask me). So now I literally have $7.70 in my bank account, I owe my mom $200 for covering my phone bill last month and this month, I don’t qualify for the stimulus check, my tax return is late, and no one is really hiring right now. My immune system is actual garbage so I can’t really do any of the retail stuff. All I want is Taco Bell and a paycheck. The only reason my GI tract has been in check lately is because I’m too stressed to eat anything other than blueberries. 

Anyways, I’m gonna need EVERYONE’S good vibes. Actually cannot believe how hard it is to find a god damn job in my field.

Questions

Okay I have 2 questions that have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

1. People with IBS, or other GI issues: when you’re having a rough day (tummy wise) does laying down make it better or worse? For me I can feel fine sitting up, but as soon as I lay down it’s not good. Is that just a me thing?

2. What’s your fave cruelty free hand lotion? I’ve been using Lush’s Charity Pot for years and absolutely love it, but it’s just so expensive and the nearest Lush to me is like 45 minutes away. I need like a Target or Ulta brand. 

Basically a Gourmet Chef

Y’all. This quarantine has been so good to me with food. First of all, I’ve eaten more mac and cheese in the last week than I have in the last year. So good. Second, and more importantly, I’ve been making the best food I’ve ever made. I made the BEST spinach cheese dip (literally just spinach, cream cheese, mozz, and cheddar, salt, garlic, and pepper mixed together and baked until gold and bubbly). Not the healthiest, but definitely the yummiest. Then, again very unhealthy but who cares, I figured out how to make the crispiest fries. Pierce a russet potato a bunch, put it in the microwave for like 4 minutes (just shy of a baked potato), cut into 6 pieces long ways, shallow fry until golden, the second you take them out and put them on a paper towel, salt them heavily to soak up the oil. Top with your face fry seasoning and bam. So potatoey. So crispy. So salty. So easy.

BUT the third thing I’ve been OBSESSED with is toast. My mom accidentally bought this nasty gluten free bread (I’m sorry, but even most gluten free people I know agree its just not good) so I’ve been trying to think of ways to use it that will hide the taste. So for this, you toast it (duh), spread on some goats cheese, top with avocado slices, strawberry slices, and balsamic glaze. This is life changing.

The bites with only avocado and no strawberry are good because the glaze sweetens it a bit, and the bites with only strawberry and no avocado are good because the goat cheese adds some tang and salt. Also, I clearly had some extra goat cheese because it is so damn good. I’ve had it 4 days in a row. No shame. 

What have you been eating? I wanna hear about your best (or worst!) quarantine meals!

Update on the empanadas:

I made 2 kinds. A mixed veggie kind, and a cheese and potato kind. Much to my surprise, I wasn’t a huge fan of the cheese and potato ones. I thought that with the dough was just way too heavy. With the veggie ones I dipped it into my homemade mango habanero hot sauce with some plain yogurt and it was so nice and summery. So I had 2 veggie ones and one potato one. I honestly just made the potato ones to use up our potatoes because they were borderline going bad. Honestly? I think they were bad. That night I felt SO nauseous and spent like 2 hours just chilling on the bathroom floor. I blame the potatoes cause what else would it be?

We’re having a mini social distancing block party tonight. Everyone is gathering (6 ft apart, duh) in front of our house and on our yard to have dinner together and I’m gonna have the rest of my veggie empanadas. My mom and brother are making burgers and beans and fruit salad so I’m gonna have a mish mash of empanadas and BBQ sides. 

Quarantine Activitiez (with a Z)

Just a lil rundown of what I’ve been up to in my 2 weeks so far of self-quarantine.

Learned 2 TikTok dances, the Hannah Montana Best of Both Worlds dance, and brushed up on my We’re all in This Together dance

FaceTimed with uni friends

Set up a penpal situation with someone in Finland

Sent cards (and dry Ranch powder mix) to friends in the UK

Started doing 100 squats and 2 minutes of planks every day (and definitely missed some days already)

BUT GUYS IM ALREADY ABLE TO HOLD A PLANK FOR 1:15 STRAIGHT!!!

Enjoyed my backyard and driving around with the window down because it is so god damn nice outside lately (today was a high of 77!)

Made some dank tofu

Experimented with my hair. All has failed so far.

Took lots of cute photos of my pets

Organized everything I could in my house

Currently making empanadas

Quarantine Activitiez (with a Z)

Just a lil rundown of what I’ve been up to in my 2 weeks so far of self-quarantine.

Learned 2 TikTok dances, the Hannah Montana Best of Both Worlds dance, and brushed up on my We’re all in This Together dance

FaceTimed with uni friends

Set up a penpal situation with someone in Finland

Sent cards (and dry Ranch powder mix) to friends in the UK

Started doing 100 squats and 2 minutes of planks every day (and definitely missed some days already)

BUT GUYS IM ALREADY ABLE TO HOLD A PLANK FOR 1:15 STRAIGHT!!!

Enjoyed my backyard and driving around with the window down because it is so god damn nice outside lately (today was a high of 77!)

Made some dank tofu

Experimented with my hair. All has failed so far.

Took lots of cute photos of my pets

Organized everything I could in my house

Currently making empanadas

COVID-19

It’s everyones favorite topic!!! I know, it’s driving me crazy hearing about it too. But I have some thoughts.

First of all, people need to STOP BULK BUYING!!! By doing this you are literally saying “I don’t care if a family doesn’t have enough food to eat for a week when I have enough for 2 months, they should’ve gotten there first”. Also, what are you thinking your bulk toilet paper is gonna do for you? Yes, sure, buy food for a week. But do not hoard. That is selfish and causes way more panic.

Second, self quarantining is a great idea if you’re able to, but I know a lot of us won’t be able to due to work and life obligations. I will be mostly self quarantined at least for the week, but I do need to go into the office for a little bit, and my house is genuinely almost out of toilet paper. So I gotta do something about that.

Sure, you might not get the virus, but that does not give you an all access pass to continue life as normal. You may have it and just not show symptoms. At that stage it is still very contagious and you going about your life will only harm those who are most vulnerable. 

Take this time at home to try new creative projects, get that spring cleaning started, or see what weird food combinations you like. 

REMEMBER!! Some good might come out of this. I am in no way saying anything will be worth the lives lost from this, but I just naturally look at the bright side of things and that definitely helps my mental health a lot. First, you can see videos of China how the quarantines helped air pollution clear up so much!!! The lack of transportation and factory usage world-wide could help the environment. Second, you could find a new hobby! New hobbies are you exciting. Third, your job might find out your role can be done from home. Exciting!

I know it’s hard to think about these things without also considering the fatality of this virus, but for me personally it really helps. Also, social media is probably having a hugely detrimental effect on you right now.

Lastly, for me, I am hoping this will help my diet and digestive system since a lot of my problems stem from fast food (and fast casual like Chipotle and Panera, etc). I just did my normal food shop which is enough for a week, plus the frozen meals and cereal and stuff we already have in the house. As I’m typing this I am eating my 2nd Uncrustable for the day #adultthings. I am also using this week to hopefully finally work on the sweater I started crocheting forever ago, might make my first Tiktok, and I’ll probably do a lot of house cleaning. 

In short, stop panic buying!!!! You have enough toilet paper. You have enough bread. You’re fine. Stop unnecessarily going to crowded places!!! Even if you feel fine, you could be spreading the virus to people who will literally die from it. Think about the possible positive outcomes!!! People taking universal healthcare seriously? A reduction in carbon emissions? New hobbies?

Progress? Maybe? Finally?

Last week I had my second interview for a job I really want with an organization I really love. After the first interview they got back to me in like 2 days to schedule the second one, so I know they want to move really quickly. But it’s been almost a week since the second and I haven’t heard back yet. There are so many things running through my head. Have the offered the role to someone else and they’re waiting to see if they accept? Are they stuck between me and someone else? Have they just not discussed it yet? Have they even interviewed the other person yet? What’s my Plan B if I don’t get this? Although, to be honest, at this point is more like Plan ZZZ. I don’t think I have a backup at this point. My phone bill was due yesterday and my mom is spotting me for a sec on that. My $475 car insurance is due in 2 weeks so I need to be saving for that. But I also have stuff like gas and food to pay for. And I’m so stressed out but I can’t do any of the things that make me unstressed like shopping or booking a last minute flight or getting fast food. I know, this is such a privileged complaint. But like, I don’t smoke or do drugs, I don’t really drink much, I HATE working out, my part-time job only has so many things for me to do. Like yeah I can take a bath but our hot water tank is on its way out so I can’t really. 

 My situation is so incredibly stressful, but doing things that decrease my stress only makes my situation worse. This circle sucks. But I am feeling pretty good about this job. But I’m also trying to not jinx it. I don’t think I’ve made up my mind between being positive and putting posi vibes out there, and staying neutral/neg in case I jinx it. I’ve been sitting by my phone all day and any time I get a text or an email or anything I have a mini heart attack.

But the good news is our bathroom remodel is done and it looks really really nice. 

Jobs, Work, Etc.

GUESS WHO’S STILL UNEMPLOYED???

Okay, technically that’s not true. I’m working part time with a local festival, but its not the income I need to like pay bills and fix my car and just, yanno, live? I’m guessing to a lot of people it doesn’t look like I’m trying to find a job anymore because I’ve stopped updating everyone on every little thing. But if anything I’ve only upped the things I’m applying to. 

I had an interview today that went okay ish, but I don’t get the feel that they were too impressed with my experience. And I had a call to set up an interview for a job I really really want, at a place where I know the director of the department I applied to, so that’s exciting. 

But yesterday I got my first check at my part time job. To give a little background, I started in early January but it’s a SUPER small (as in 2 full timers) non profit and their January was super weird with finances. I knew I was getting paid but I didn’t know what the pay schedule is or how much my hourly is. So anyways, back to yesterday. First check for about 33 hours of work, $500!!! I know this sounds stupid, but I have never gotten a paycheck that high before!! I’m getting $15 an hour which is amazing. They want me to cap myself at about 17 hours per week, but some weeks (like January) there will barely be 10 hours of work to do, so I set my expectations low. But it’s a lot of work from home, come into the office when you need more to do, kinda things. Today I did 6 hours all in my sweatpants at home with the space heater. Man, before yesterday I literally had $58 in my checking and $110 in my savings. Not even kidding. And I need an oil change so bad. And car insurance is coming up. And phone bill. And while I absolutely do not regret buying those MCR tickets, I may have used my credit card I’m not allowed to touch except for emergencies and I may not have been able to pay for the tickets. So I’m kinda in debt. But whatever. Worth it.

So yeah. Today has been better. We’ve started redoing our bathroom (aka the only shower in the house) and my room shares a wall with the bathroom so I was up at 8am this morning. And will be every morning for the next two weeks.

ALSO as I typed that one of the contractors (I haven’t met or seen them yet) just came downstairs and yeah, he’s pretty okay. I’m okay with him being at my house for 2 weeks. 

JFC

Okay okay I know it’s been like a month since my last update. Whatevs. Been busy. I finished my job at Macy’s. Finally. Honestly if I EVER say I’m gonna do seasonal retail ever again please someone just knock me the fuck out.

So now I’m at the venue again and helping out with a local festival I interned for in 2017. I love the festival. The people are so nice, I have an office to go to when I want, or I can work from home. It’s super flexible, and its across the hall from a movie theater so it always smells like popcorn. I would happily work there full time, year round, but I’m only there part time while someone is on maternity leave. 

The venue is... interesting. All my other shifts I’ve had with them have just been like 3 or 4 hours, but yesterday I was there for 17 hours, plus an hour drive there and an hour drive home. And it snowed the day before yesterday with like 1/2 of ice. Not ideal. Yesterday honestly made me realize I don’t actually like my job there. Yesterday I had to buy 10 24 packs of water and then run them all up/down stairs, went to 6 different stores, probably looked like an absolute alcoholic at most of them. Paid for parking so many times before someone finally told me you don’t need to pay for parking there on Sundays. Only had time to eat a handful of Cheez-Its. Don’t get me wrong, the band and their tour manager were so nice, they offered me soup they made, and I had a super long conversation with the TM about what he does and the general job. But I slept for 10 uninterrupted hours last night and woke up exhausted, sore, and just emotionally drained. I went to Target today (wow what else is new) and had to rush home for a phone job interview. I think the interview went pretty well and I really want this job so please send me all the good vibes!

But the main thing thats happened in the past month is I’ve been thinking about how I went from a fancy shmancy school where everyone there was their high school’s local over achiever, to being unemployed for 4+ months so far and living at my mom’s and asking her to buy me gas. And it’s not like I haven’t been applying, I’ve been applying to every single job I am even remotely qualified for and that has something to do with events or marketing or fundraising. I don’t know what the red flag is on my resume but people just haven’t given me a chance. I’m assuming because I’m 23 with no professional, paid experience because I’VE BEEN A FULL TIME STUDENT UNTIL NOW. So I literally just need one person to give me a chance, to give me something legit to put on my resume and LinkedIn. Every adult I’ve talked to has said the same thing but somehow recruiters and hiring managers are thinking differently? Its getting really old, and hard to be happy for my friends getting promotion after promotion at their jobs when I can’t even get an interview for 90% of the things I apply for.

Yanno that thing that adults think is so funny but its really just a tacky saying that can probably be found as a Target home decor piece thats like “Don’t grow up, it’s a trap!”

As cringy as that is, it is so true. Especially for millennials and Gen Z. We’re told as long as you do well in school, do internships, put in your time volunteering, and make connections, you’ll have no problem. But HELLO?? I have 2 degrees, 5 years of international experience, knowledge of a whole list of softwares and databases, so many references, 3 people always actively looking for people to connect me with, a professionally edited resume and cover letter template. And yet nothing. I know, I know, it’ll work out eventually. But this is the first time in my life I don’t know what I want or how to get it. I’ve always had a goal in mind and knew the steps I had to take to get there, but now I don’t and I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be by now.

Amendment: At around 3 am the night I wrote this post my stomach officially rioted against me and I was sick all night. Unsure if it was the food or a stomach bug or what. So i definitely jinxed it.

Ope

Ha guess who forgot to blog again??? To be fair, I tried to upload a few days ago but Tumblr was being a dick and wouldn’t post anything. So lets try this again.

I’ve been pretty busy with work lately so nothing super fun and interesting has happened. I got a new phone (woo) and my ex texted me (gross) and I bought Gucci perfume and ate a lot of Taco Bell and that’s about it. Working 45 hours a week really doesn’t leave time for much else. Typically I wake up, job search for a bit/do a little life admin, go to work for 9 hours, come home, eat, shower, sleep, repeat. Yesterday I worked 10am to 8pm and today I worked 7am to 4pm and went straight to my brother’s for his birthday celebrations. I’m so tired I don’t even know why I’m still awake.

For a while I thought this heavy work schedule would really fuck up my stomach given the early and very active hours, but I think the routine has actually helped me a lot. I have a lot of 10am-12pm starts so having a few hours in the morning to wake up my digestive system really helps. My job consists of being on my feet the entire time and walking most of the time, so I really need to be able to drink some water. However, the 8am starts are not as forgiving with that. Those are hard, but thankfully they are limited since lots of employees really prefer the early mornings so they can have evenings free.

Okay so about my work day today: It started off not great. One computer (out of 2) was down, there’s a new lady who was training who made some fairly racist comments, and we were so over staffed people were just standing around and crowding a very small room. But then during lunch I went next door to a cafe because I just needed some comfort fries. Like 20 minutes into waiting for my food I went up to ask how much longer because I was on break and the manager came out and was so upset. She was like “I am so so sorry I don’t know what happened, this is so embarrassing. Your food should have been out ages ago. Here’s a free donut, I am so sorry” and I told her it’s totally okay and I understand things happen sometimes. She went back to the kitchen and I thought that was over but then she came back and handed me a gift card for $30 and she just kept apologizing. I tried to tell her that’s way too much and it’s honestly not a big deal but she insisted I kept it. That went on for a solid few minutes and I eventually just had to go because my break was ending soon. But yeah, I got my fries, a free donut, and a $30 gift card. And having lunch gave me the energy I needed to finish my shift. Oh, and racist lady only has 3 shifts scheduled and then my managers aren’t renewing her schedule so that’s it. Such a weirdly dramatic day. Oh, and my neighbors (basically my grandparents) gave my $75 dollars for Christmas/Hanukkah/graduation. 

Now I am very sleepy, watching Schitts Creek, eating some peanut M&Ms, and enjoying the fact that I don’t work until 2pm tomorrow. I had some Chinese food (not normally a fan, but this veggie rice was so good) and a cocktail and rhubarb and strawberry pie. I am very content right now. 

Ope

Ha guess who forgot to blog again??? To be fair, I tried to upload a few days ago but Tumblr was being a dick and wouldn’t post anything. So lets try this again.

I’ve been pretty busy with work lately so nothing super fun and interesting has happened. I got a new phone (woo) and my ex texted me (gross) and I bought Gucci perfume and ate a lot of Taco Bell and that’s about it. Working 45 hours a week really doesn’t leave time for much else. Typically I wake up, job search for a bit/do a little life admin, go to work for 9 hours, come home, eat, shower, sleep, repeat. Yesterday I worked 10am to 8pm and today I worked 7am to 4pm and went straight to my brother’s for his birthday celebrations. I’m so tired I don’t even know why I’m still awake.

For a while I thought this heavy work schedule would really fuck up my stomach given the early and very active hours, but I think the routine has actually helped me a lot. I have a lot of 10am-12pm starts so having a few hours in the morning to wake up my digestive system really helps. My job consists of being on my feet the entire time and walking most of the time, so I really need to be able to drink some water. However, the 8am starts are not as forgiving with that. Those are hard, but thankfully they are limited since lots of employees really prefer the early mornings so they can have evenings free.

Okay so about my work day today: It started off not great. One computer (out of 2) was down, there’s a new lady who was training who made some fairly racist comments, and we were so over staffed people were just standing around and crowding a very small room. But then during lunch I went next door to a cafe because I just needed some comfort fries. Like 20 minutes into waiting for my food I went up to ask how much longer because I was on break and the manager came out and was so upset. She was like “I am so so sorry I don’t know what happened, this is so embarrassing. Your food should have been out ages ago. Here’s a free donut, I am so sorry” and I told her it’s totally okay and I understand things happen sometimes. She went back to the kitchen and I thought that was over but then she came back and handed me a gift card for $30 and she just kept apologizing. I tried to tell her that’s way too much and it’s honestly not a big deal but she insisted I kept it. That went on for a solid few minutes and I eventually just had to go because my break was ending soon. But yeah, I got my fries, a free donut, and a $30 gift card. And having lunch gave me the energy I needed to finish my shift. Oh, and racist lady only has 3 shifts scheduled and then my managers aren’t renewing her schedule so that’s it. Such a weirdly dramatic day. Oh, and my neighbors (basically my grandparents) gave my $75 dollars for Christmas/Hanukkah/graduation. 

Now I am very sleepy, watching Schitts Creek, eating some peanut M&Ms, and enjoying the fact that I don’t work until 2pm tomorrow. I had some Chinese food (not normally a fan, but this veggie rice was so good) and a cocktail and rhubarb and strawberry pie. I am very content right now. 

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving/Friendsgiving to those that celebrate! Just wanna take a sec here at the beginning to say that this is holiday is based on a super shitty past and should not be celebrated in that vein. Instead, it should be celebrated for the way it brings people together and gives you an excuse to eat your weight in mashed potatoes. If you live in the US, you can follow this link to see what Native American territory you are celebrating on: https://native-land.ca/. I am on Osage land, and will be making more of an effort to learn about the culture.

So today I had my first Thanksgiving since high school and it was surprisingly nice! I was never a huge fan of it just because half the food I either can’t eat or don’t like, so it just wasn’t on my radar really. But this year my cousin’s girlfriend who’s dairy free, and another cousin’s boyfriend who’s vegan joined us. So my mom made her mash vegan, I brought my goats cheese/cranberry tarts, there was vegan fruit salad, dairy free cinnamon butter, and so many good things. I actually got so full. I finished eating almost 5 hours ago and I’m still stuffed. Never opposed to some mash, tho. 

With the holiday season starting it’s a hard time for those with food difficulties, be in dietary restrictions, GI issues, or eating disorders. Let’s just all do our best to remember a few things:

-if someone doesn’t want a food, don’t press them about it. It’s nothing personal against the cook, they have their own reasons for not wanting it

-making comments like “the diet starts tomorrow” “I worked out all week for this” or any other comment that gives moral value to foods is real shitty, don’t do it

-do what you need to in order to enjoy your day! Eat what you want, when you want, in the quantity you want

-if you know in advance you’ll be going to a potluck type gathering, bring the food YOU like (if you are able). It will be so much more enjoyable having at least one food you are totally confident with

-if you celebrate Hanukkah and have GI issues, remember to count the latkes you eat. The main reason for this is because I know from experience that the vast amount of oil in those will fuck you up if you eat more than you can handle

-related, if you do not have a GI issue, count how many latkes you eat so you can beat the world record bc they’re fucking delicious and YOU DESERVE IT

Alright, that’s it for now. Happy whatever you do for November 28th, and allow yourself to have the best holiday season you can have.

Fitness

I think most plus size people have had this experience at least once in their lives. When an innocent, normal conversation about the gym turns into a passive (or not so much) aggressive dig at your weight. Tonight at dinner with my brother (who has a very active job) and my mom (who goes to the gym 6 days a week) they were talking about working out because my brother mentioned he wants to get into running. I kinda popped into the convo a few times talking about the workout classes I’ve done here and there, and then it turned into my mom lecturing us (while mostly looking at me) about how good for you working out is. 

Yeah, I know. I’m 23. I am very much aware how working out is a part of being healthy. However, I am also very much aware of how little time I have, how little energy I have, how little money I have, and how much I hate cardio. On the days I work 8 hour shifts, yeah I guess I have the time to work out too, but I definitely do not have the energy to do that, especially keeping it up long term. I get so bored working out on my own/just following videos, but I’m too broke to pay for classes. I can’t work out with my friends because a) different schedules, we barely have time to see each other twice a month, and b) both my friends here in KC love cardio so they run to work out, and running is my absolute least favorite thing in the world. In high school I did a HIIT class a few times and really liked it but I don’t think my mom gets that with IBS that’s not really sustainable for me.

I’ve told my mom repeatedly that the one fitness class I would shell out money and time for is an adult gymnastics class. I loooooved gymnastics as a kid, and I’ve retained most of my flexibility. But surprise surprise, there’s only one adult beginner gymnastics class here for less than $30 a class, and it’s almost an hour drive away. And only once a week and I don’t have a regular work schedule so it would be really hard to make it a regular thing. I might go try it out in a few weeks when I have the day off. We’ll see. I just firmly believe that when it comes to doing things that aren’t vital to surviving in 2019 (vital things: work, taking the trash out, doing laundry, going to the doctor, etc. not vital things: working out, clothing choice, etc) it should make you happy and excited. So while I CAN go to like a yoga class at the Y or run around the block a few times, doing something fun like gymnastics actually makes me excited to go, and I have so much fun I’m not thinking about how hard it is.

But also, I have a solid base strength. I can get both 50 lbs suitcases up the stairs at the same time. I can walk all day and feel completely fine. Just because I can’t run a mile or do a push up doesn’t mean I’m crazily out of shape. FURTHER, even if I was crazy out of shape, my mom doesn’t get to comment on that or patronize me for it. 

PSA: Being someone’s relative does not excuse you from not being allowed to comment on someone’s weight or physical appearance.

Passions

Okay so as a teenager I was OBSESSED with music. Like, as in would cry multiple times to multiple songs that aren’t even that deep just because the music or the lyrics or the melody hit that sweet spot and something in my noggin was like “wow shit shit shit so good”.

I don’t know if its just a shitty side effect of growing up or of depression or what, but at some point around the end of high school/beginning of college I kind of fell out of love with music. Basically right as a started my degree in what is essentially music business. Fantastic timing, right? I still liked it and went to gigs and shows all the time, but it never felt like it did in high school.

Like the totally cool person I am, I’ve pretty much kept up with most of the bands I used to love, including All Time Low. I wasn’t super into them and going to every show I could but I went to the So Wrong Its Right 10 year anniversary show and I got tickets one year for Christmas to see them, but that’s about it. Like if they were to put out a new album tomorrow I probably wouldn’t listen to it for another few weeks just because its not a huge priority for me. Like yeah, they’ve changed their style a solid amount, but I’m just not in a hurry to listen to anyone’s new stuff.

Anyways, yesterday they put out their documentary/rerecord of Nothing Personal. First of all, I’m always a slut for a good documentary. Second, Nothing Personal was a major album for me when it came out. It came out right when I was starting to get super angsty, so Weightless was perfect. Therapy hit just right. A Party Song made me wanna jam out. Out of All Time Low albums, it’s still probably my favorite. So I watched their new thing tonight while eating dinner and guys, I gotta say, I felt that passion for music again. I wasn’t 100% paying attention because I was eating and had also just gotten off work so checking social medias and doing all that stuff. But then they did Walls. On the original album, I actually really dislike Walls, but this rerecord is just amazing. I don’t know if I actually like it or if it had that thing that like punched me in the gut but I’m obsessed with it. I haven’t been excited about music in so long and it feels so good!

That led me down a short rabbit hole of looking up recording rights and that got me back into entertainment law which used to be a huge area of interest for me. Like I might go to the library tomorrow and get some books on it just out of pure interest. 

Anyways, is it a little embarrassing that while all my friends equate All Time Low with being 16, I’m obsessing over them? A little. But honestly anytime you’re passionate about something, you should never feel like you have to hide it. It makes me so happy that I’m finally getting this little nudge again, and I really hope it lasts longer than like a day.