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brokenheartedartichokes · 20 days

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I will fix this for you

My mother carried the weight

Of her mothers, mothers burden

And she put that weight on me

She told me stand tall

And speak clear

But I will not hurl the weight of the world on you my dear

I’ll clean it up

Put all the broken parts back where they belong

So you will not have to sing the same out of tune song

I’ll heal this hurt

So it doesn’t hurt you

That’s what mothers are supposed to do

And I don’t blame my mom

Or hers

It’s hard when your carrying generations of hurt

But I’ll unpack these bags

And send all of the damaged goods back

And you my love

Will never have to carry that

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brokenheartedartichokes · 20 days

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It’s going to be okay

I tell myself as I wash my tear stained face

I’ll watch the water wash away

And pick out the jagged pieces of my heart from the drain

I’ll pour out my hurt onto paper with pen

And I’ll use tape to put all the pieces together again

It’s going to be okay

I tell myself on another dreary day

After all how lovely it is to even have a heart to break

To have a heart worth loving

And losing

How beautiful to have a soul worth yearning for

To have a kindness so palpable

So real

Even the most shattered heart can heal

It’s going to be okay

I think hearts were meant to break

To be repaired

And maybe broken again

Because broken hearts can mend

And the sun will come out again

And happy word will pour from my pen

Just as soon as it’s okay again

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brokenheartedartichokes · 25 days

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There is a universe where my mother loves the gap between my teeth

And my sisters secrets are the only ones I’m asked to keep

Where my father gets the love he deserves

My sisters hair is gently brushed

There exists a whole me that never felt the burden of being a child

One where I was allowed to run barefooted and wild

Somewhere out there is a little brown haired girl being held by her mom

Her bruises are kissed

And she’s held through the tears

She never too much

She knows how much she is loved

A world exists where my mom was enough

And her mom never said she was too much

Our family was built on a foundation of love

No baggage to carry

Or curses to break

There is a world where it’s okay

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brokenheartedartichokes · 26 days

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Mother

I’m a scared child

Running to my mother for safety

But safety isn’t found here

Thrown to the wolves hearing her cries

Trying to save her

Trying to survive

It wasn’t my burden

But it wasn’t yours

So why do I carry this crown of thorns

Mother please save me

My eyes filled with tears

Darling no one will save you

No one can hear

So I scream into the silence

While her cries pierce my ears

Mother I’m coming

It’s okay I’m here

No one to save us so I’ll save us both

Drowning in the rubble

Because you sunk the boat

Mom

you could’ve at least tried to float

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brokenheartedartichokes · 1 month

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Limits

Some days I wish to be one of my paintings

Fluid colors trapped in beautiful liminal space

And all they are is my mind poured onto canvas

My heart beating through the brush

The world being to much it bubbles up and overflows into the messy pages of my sketchbook

My pain turned to watercolor bleeding through the pages

Entire notebooks filled to the brim with pen scratched heartache

And endless renderings of your perfect face

Some days I wish I could wash away

I could drown in my paint cup and be whisked down the drain

Or maybe sat on the counter left to slowly evaporate until the sadness breaks

I wish to be in long forgotten sketch pads

Laden with long forgotten teenage dreams

I can jump through hope for the future

That leaves me longing for the past

I wish to be art

Trapped beneath always clean glass

Or maybe in a Bansky watching the world slowly pass

And I’ll be labeled graffiti and painted over

But come back again in a crayon drawing on someone’s mothers fridge

I wish to be limitless

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brokenheartedartichokes · 6 months

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My childhood is tainted

In a bittersweet melancholy kind of way

See your there

In every scene

Every frame

And the time between our girlhood

And you going away

All seems to be blurred

It runs into one long day

The grass is greener

The sky is bluer

The day lasted longer

The smell of glitter body balm

And aqua net hairspray fills my already flooded brain

When did you go away?

I don’t remember the specific day

We set our Barbie’s down and went outside

Not to play

But to go our separate ways

Solidified in the fact that we would find our way back to sisterhood someday

But you went away

You never came back to play

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brokenheartedartichokes · 6 months

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Stephanie

I’m 28 and still on particularly snowy days my sister will call to question the magical properties of Narnia

She still shouts “I love you one time”

She’ll offer to buy Anna’s house because it reminds us of Russ and even though we’ll never say it those tables are too big, to empty

And we’ll sit and order coffee and eggs and though neither of us is particularly fond of their coffee it’s routine,

An unspoken secret shared by three sisters.

She’ll offer to bring me to the thrift store

And bitch about the way I drive

She’ll say I annoy her

And I’ll say she’s worse

But we both know without the other we couldn’t survive

My sisters love is quite

And ear shattering loud

She might blend in

But it’s always her I’m searching for in a crowd

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brokenheartedartichokes · 6 months

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In a thousand years when they dig up my bones will they know there’s a whole story buried in that hole?

Will they know my sister collected stones constantly searching for the perfect one that skips when thrown?

Or that I found it months after we buried her in her favorite clothes?

Will they know my favorite number is three because my mom always chose six and it gave my sisters a better chance at winning it?

A thousand years from now as they brush away the dirt and see my broken leg they won’t know about the laughter that spilled out of my best friends car while we drove to the hospital that day.

They won’t know of the poetry I wrote

Of the art I made

Or the pain I felt

They won’t see the scar on my foot that I’ve had my whole life

Or the tattoo I got when my sister died

They won’t know of my regrets

Of the hurt

They’ll just see my bones and dirt

And they’ll clean me up and place me on some shelf

And I’ll have finally made art of myself

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brokenheartedartichokes · 9 months

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People move faster in the rain.

Running away you could say.

But if it were raining knives would you stand and wait? My grandmother used to say.

But if it were raining daisies would you act this way? My little sister would say.

I guess it’s all in how you view the rain.

I think she would’ve danced in a hurricane.

It could have come and swept her away.

Still I think,

She would’ve thanked god for the rain.

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brokenheartedartichokes · 9 months

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I’m not happy

I never will be again

This has consumed me

And some things even time cannot mend

Some bridges burn and collapse

And some bridges I’ll still try to cross after that

Drowning in the ruble

I’ll call it an escape

We both know I couldn’t easily leave this place

And you’ll put out your hand

Just out of reach

And put the blame of your failure on me

If I could just swim harder

If I could just reach farther

If only I wasn’t my mothers daughter

Nevertheless

You’ll leave me in these murky waters

And tell me I should have just tried a little harder

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brokenheartedartichokes · 9 months

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On a cigarette just between me and you

You’d have the words to say right now

And yeah I know them too

But it ain’t the same when it’s not coming from your mouth

Like rain pouring out to a thankless desert

Wanted but flooded nonetheless

And crops looks on thirsty and desperate

Waiting for winters storm to give them some rest from this

But highways don’t end where we think they do

And no matter how hard I scream, cry, and beg

I can’t find my way back to you

Asphalt runs out

My last cigarette burned out 100,000 miles ago

And I’m still searching for your smile in summer skies

In the fall leaves

And winter storms

I’ll sing the same songs with nobody to sing your parts anymore

I’ll give my kids your name

And teach them of your grace

But it could never be the same

It will never be the same

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brokenheartedartichokes · 9 months

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What if I clawed open my chest and you poured over my soul

And the sounds of my cracking bones were your favorite music notes

What if the sunshine pouring from my lungs and the flowered blooming out of my hips were all for you

The sticky words spilling over my lips gather in your perfect hands

And you’ll eat them up and spit them back again

What if I pulled you into me and the light trails of our souls held hands

What if when we’re gone we find ourselves tangled in stardust where it all began

What if all along it was you and me

And me and you

Forever

What if you really are mine and I am surely yours

Crack open my bones and find your name written in the deepest part of me and know

I never lied

About how deeply I love you

So hold my hand and promise to not let go as I pull my feet out of this mud i called home

Take me with you into the greater unknown

For you there’s no place I wouldn’t go

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brokenheartedartichokes · 10 months

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I was born in love with you.

For you are my beacon in the dark.

My way home.

You exist within my bones.

My life has been a map to you and no matter how far I have run you have always lit the way home.

I cannot put into words adequately the love I have for you.

Because you are beneath my skin just as you have always been.

My childhood prayers fell on deaf ears but calls for a home rested within your bones.

I am saturated with you into the depths of my soul.

When this all comes to an end and we return to stardust again I will find you tangled within myself right where you have always been.

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brokenheartedartichokes · 10 months

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I need you

Not like I need a cigarette or a cup of coffee

But rather like I need the air in my lungs

I want to crawl into that space where your soul and your consciousness collide

And find that I’ve been here tangled in you this whole time

Your fingers were made to lace between mine

And we may never see

And it may never be the right time

But I would move the earth

Armed to the teeth with the possibility of you and me

I would drink the ocean

And lasso the sun

Even though I could never be the one

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brokenheartedartichokes · 11 months

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There’s been a lot of hurt

Angry words

And ugly bruises

Cast on my skin and soul

Sometimes I wish I was cold

And the pain would subside and go

But so would the love

Because there’s been a lot of fireflies

And early morning sunrises

And steam rising out of coffee cups filled to the brim with love

There’s been a lot of late night laughter that hurts your chest, smiles that hurt your face

And the first steps I watched my daughter take

There’s been a lot of hide and seek and flashlight tag

And a lot of midnight soul spilling holding hands

There’s been a lot of trees climbed and miles ran barefoot through sand

And a lot of beach days with too much ice cream and not enough sunscreen

So, I’ll take the bad if I get the good

There’s been a lot of pain

More than we should have

But there’s been so much love carefully poured back.

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brokenheartedartichokes · 11 months

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I don’t want to be a grown up anymore.

It’s hard.

I’m scared.

I want to go home.

I miss my daddy.

And my soft yellow wallpaper.

I want to go home.

I want to be safe

And sleep

I want to wake up to smell of shitty coffee and gentle country singing.

I want to go home.

I want to go home

I have to go home

Before I don’t make it.

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brokenheartedartichokes · 11 months

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Your mad

Furious

And your allowed

So let it all out

You’ve been holding it in

What’s the point

It’s not giving in

You have to let it go

Before you end up alone

You have to

Stop burning the bridges you need to get home.

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