having BPD is like simultaneously being a black cat and a lost puppy

you can be the sweetest little kitty and do no wrong but there’s nothing you can do to change some people’s mind about you. they’d stereotype you and believe all the misconceptions without giving you a chance.

you’re also constantly looking for your person. your place to call home. longing for that warmth and comfort of love but you feel so helpless in a storm that doesn’t seem to stop pouring. following mindlessly any person that gives you the slightest attention and being obsessed with them until you look up and realize you’ve lost them and are alone again in the unforgiving storm.

“Why am I a sucker for all your lies?

Strung out like laundry on every line

Why do I come back to you, like I don't mind if you fuck up my life?”

Having to explain to your fp that theyre your fp is the most embarassing shameful thing ever. It feels like revealing a secret that will make them leave. Because then they know you care about them. And if you want them so bad, they start to not want you anymore. But if you dont talk to them, they will never reach out to you. But if you talk to them too much, you will annoy them and they will leave. The paradox of BPD is so hard to describe and even HARDER for anyone who isnt BPD to understand. And all we want is true understanding and empathy. Its the most paradoxical illness on earth and you never know whether to hate people cuz they hurt you so bad or love them so intensely. But dont love them too much because then you will experience rejection. And dont avoid them because then they will just find a new person to be friends with. Living in the mind of someone with BPD is not only scientifically proven to be one of the most ACHING AND PAINFUL mental illness there is, the statistics for suicide attempts among people with BPD is 70%. 70% of us have already tried to end our lives because of the emotional torment. And 10% of us diagnosed (even more undiagnosed) have succeeded with suicide attempts. You cant be normal no matter how hard you try. You will never have normal friendships. You will practically fall in love with anyone and anything. You will fall in love with half your friends. You will be rejected by half those friends both platonically and romantically. You will never have a normal healthy relationship or marriage because of your jealousy, insecurity, and abandonment issues. We just want understanding and we can only get that from other people with BPD who we cant be close with because they also have BPD. Its so isolating. Its miserable. Lonely.

remembering the fact all my past classmates would always vote that id be the highest achiever. remembering how i was always in the top few or the top of my class. remembering how passionate i was in life. remembering how i once had joy and got excited about stuff. i mourn over that person. that person is gone. they killed them.

I genuinely mourn the person I could have been.

I genuinely mourn the person I could have been.

wanting to kys to prove a point but also wanting to get better and be the best person you can be to prove a point

thinking you’re completely over your ex fp that you split from months ago and then randomly getting hit with the immense feeling of missing them so then all those feelings you thought were gone come rushing back so now you’re hurt all over again and having to process everything over.

having bpd is so wild because you can simultaneously feel like the best but also be so incredibly fragile that one little thing you perceive as even the slightest bit negative, you just come crashing down faster than a window shattering after getting hit with a rock

losing a relationship (especially a close one) and having bpd is literally like “amor entreno” by rocío dúrcal bc you can’t be normal about anything and it feels like you’re going through the mourning process as if knowing they died

“Therapy is tiring

But so is hiding how you feel”

i am so tired !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

it’s always “how do you think they’ll feel when something happens to you?” but never “how do you feel about having to be pushed to this point?”

im literally so alone in this world. always was. always will be.

i miss you. i know we were NEVER going to work out but i miss you.

the urge to be the biggest asshole you can be when some ppl find out you have a personality disorder so they automatically already assume the worst in you and refuse to see you in any other light so you might as well prove them right

when you know most of your relationship (dating, friendships, co-workers, etc) have been hella abusive and/or toxic but you desperately crave going back bc “at least I had their attention” :///

i hate how nothing i could ever do will be enough to satisfy the void. i can never feel passionately about anything anymore. i hate the insane standards i have for everyone. i hate how it takes the smallest thing for me to get the biggest ick over it. i hate how im not the perfect image i have for myself. i hate how i feel so lonely at times but will also be the first to push everyone away and keep them at least an arms length away if not farther. i hate bpd for making anyone feel this way