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miroysprose · 6 months

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Why I write?

I wanted to share this on my author blog for Tumblr because I seriously don't have enough time to say it anywhere else and deal with people.

I am tired of not being listened to. I don't want to be one authority, I want to be a voice in a million of them, but a voice that matters too. I know many people will say, "try harder, be better", but I have. For months, i worked my tail off trying to publish, market, write, make good plot, make stories, and continue this career self-published but... for naught.

I am not listened to by relatives, by friends, by teachers, and by strangers. I noticed that they take many of my disabilities into account, yet still believe that I am this person who does everything on purpose. I am an emotional author. I put heart and soul into my work, and when it is not... seen or heard, I believe that a shard of me is lost.

In an growing world that prioritizes AI, Robotics, and new technology- my months of work are nothing. Other work can be copied and pasted everywhere and they'd still be number one. So I tell myself, that I am someone who will simply be underground. That's all I'll get. And... I'm happy with that. I'm okay with being an underground author. I like feeding those too imaginative, I like making books for those too sick, and those too crazy, and those too character oriented. I love people who can understand me, and I can understand them. I love those people. I love the people who purchase my books because I can pinpoint their exact tastes.

This is why I write now. This is my purpose. I said earlier that my purpose in life was mermaid xenofiction. It's not, not anymore. My purpose is to be an underground author, to be happy, and to find those who are too old to care about a 9 page essay you make about apocalyptic dogs lore, I want those people are too cringe to find themselves in a character just like them, I want to find the edgiest persons and shippers who don't know what the hell they are doing. I want to be listened to, by the right people. Because some of you don't deserve me. And that's okay.

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somewhereincairparavel · 2 days

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Percy this. Percy that. It was always about Percy Jackson. All the fucking time.

It was always about the Hero of Olympus, the one who defeated Kronos and led the battle of Manhattan, the one who was offered immortality by the king of the gods himself, the one who restored glory to Rome by returning the golden eagle, the one who became praetor of the Roman camp in 2 weeks with limited training.

His Roman camp. Jason Grace's Roman camp.

Percy Jackson had pulled off everything in 2 weeks that Jason Grace wasn't able to accomplish despite dedicating his whole life for duty. 11 years of blood, sweat and tears, simply gone down the drain.

Jason had failed his camp. He had failed his home. Turns out, he wasn't as great as the people of Rome had once preached about him. It was obvious considering the less than warm welcome he had gotten from his so-called “home”.

He received no hugs, no cheers, no “we missed you jason!”, no “I was so worried about you!” or even a single pat on the arm by his “friend” Dakota. Dakota and Gwendolyn hadn't even spared a glance at him.

Nothing. Instead, this new Jackson boy was held up to worship like a god amongst the people who once considered Jason a “hero”.

Jason laughed bitterly. Was it selfish of him to be disappointed with Reyna? With a pang, he got to know that Reyna hadn't sent a single search party out to look for her “best friend”. Not like Annabeth did for Percy, not like Thalia did for Percy.

With a pang, he got to know that the whole camp basically deemed him as ‘dead’ and Reyna hadn't even set up a memorial of remembrance for him. The camp had simply moved on with their new hero. Without a single shred of thought for Jason Grace.

The forgotten Hero. The lost hero. Jason Grace.

These thoughts of doubt gnawed on Jason's mind, slowly eating him up ever since he'd first seen Percy Jackson in those damned praetor togas that once belonged to him.

He didn't dislike the boy, of course not, it wasn't Percy's fault that Hera wiped their memories or switched camps.

But it was hard for Jason to not resent him, or feel even the tiniest amount of envy, knowing that Reyna willingly replaced him with Jackson. Very quickly too, at that. He overheard Octavian blabbing to his lackeys about how Reyna “was head over heels for Percy almost immediately”

“I guess that's it. Maybe I am someone who is easy to replace.” Jason thought, his eyes pricking as he looked over from the flying ship, at the place he once used to call home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason watched remorsefully as Thalia, Grover, Percy and Annabeth were all gathered at the table in camp half blood, cracking jokes about dam french fries or whatever that meant.

Thalia caught Jason's eyes, staring at all of them from a distance. She smiled softly, and gave him a tiny wave. He weaved his lips into something that was meant to look like a wry smile, but it came out as a slight grimace, as he waved back.

Thalia was so close to Jason, yet so far away.

He knew she loved him, but it felt different. And an annoying, nagging part of Jason had known that Thalia would never be as close to him as she was to Annabeth or Percy.

Ironic isn't it? Jason and Thalia were always connected since they came from the same womb, yet she was closer to Annabeth, a girl she'd found after she had run away from the same woman that had given Jason to the wolves. The same woman who had turned his life upside down by abandoning him.

Thalia had found Annabeth right after she thought she had lost Jason. In a strangely ironic way, Jason felt like he'd been replaced all over again.

Thalia had replaced Jason as a younger sibling with Annabeth without even realizing it, all of this took place mere months after a baby Jason was considered to be dead. This situation had strangely reminded him of Camp Jupiter, how he was replaced by Percy right after Jason was considered “dead” by Camp Jupiter.

This made Jason reach the possibility that if he were indeed “dead”, he wouldn't be missed. People wouldn't bat an eyelash. Since there was always someone better than him. Someone like Percy Jackson, who could easily fill the void Jason would leave behind.

His eyes watered, as he looked at how much fun his sister had with his friends. Knowing full well, that he'd never be able to do the same.

Jason felt ashamed that he had to ask Percy about Thalia’s likes and dislikes, he was thalia’s brother. He was supposed to know.

Jason watched as Thalia quickly hugged the trio, as she left their table to leave with the hunters, not even realizing that there was one person whom she forgot to hug.

Don't take it personally. Don't take it personally. She just forgot. She doesn't hate you. She just forgot. She doesn't prefer Percy over you. She's in a hurry. That's why she forgot. Jason repeated that like a mantra, the only person he was trying to convince was himself.

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“And he rejected immortality!- oh you should've seen Zeus' face!” Annabeth exclaimed to Hazel excitedly, as Percy was blushing at the compliment fountain being poured at him by Hazel and Annabeth.

Jason had always been fascinated by that story, the almighty Percy Jackson getting offered to become a god, by Zeus.

His father. Jason's father, Zeus.

Jason felt stupid and guilty for getting envious, it's not the fact that Percy had been offered immortality, no. Jason couldn't care less about being immortal. It was the person who offered Percy invincibility that bothered Jason so much.

Jason knew that even if he went to the ends of the world to accomplish something, his father wouldn't be able to praise him or even talk to him for a long time.

Zeus and Jason could never be like Hades and Nico, or Poseidon and Percy. That's just how it is.

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Reyna had come to camp half blood for a fun visit. Jason would've been ecstatic in other circumstances, but in this case, he wanted to be as far away from her as possible. Because currently, Reyna seemed to be looking at everyone, but refused to meet Jason's eyes. She seemed to keep her distance as she laughed at something Percy and Piper were saying.

She may as well have just stabbed him, it would've hurt a lot less.

He had truly been naive to believe that he could make amends with Reyna. Now he knew, it would never be possible. There was too much pain mixed with bitterness on both ends. But seeing her get along with Percy reminded him of the old times of friendship he and Reyna had shared. Keyword: had.

Once again, the fates had shown him that Percy Jackson would always be better.

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As Jason Grace lay on the cold floor, coughing out blood. He realized he was alone, he was dying, but he was alone.

Like always. The sickly voice of Gaia, that had once haunted his nightmares, boomed in his head. Jason knew he was hallucinating as a result of blood loss, Gaia is in deep slumber. But that did not stop the voice in his head that was invented by his insecurities. Even in the end, you've been forgotten, Jason Grace. Because that's what you will always be. The second best. The leftover. The pawn who is discarded, after his purpose has been fulfilled. Percy Jackson would always be better in everyone's eyes.

To the Romans, you are simply the one who betrayed his lineage. But Percy is the one who restored glory. He did your job for you.

To the Greeks, you are simply a burden, one whom they were forced to welcome.

To your father, you are merely one of his many sons.

To your sister, you are a stranger.

Jason's resolve to live had weakened, hot tears were streaming down his face as he closed his eyes in defeat, he had come to the painful conclusion that nobody is going to come find his body. Nobody is going to mourn him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh I will always be much better than you at this! Bring it on, dude!” Percy laughed as he striked his play sword lightsaber at Jason's. They clashed.

“You wish, Jackson!” Jason shot back jokingly, as they sparred playfully with toy lightsabers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Jackson, you jerk. You were right after all, you will always be much better than me” Jason laughed bitterly, as he recalled that memory of his sparring session with Percy.

Suddenly everything went black. The life had successfully ebbed out of him.

Little did Jason know, was that someone had indeed come to look for him. Tempest, his Pegasus had come to retrieve his body, but Jason was long gone. People had indeed mourned him. His friends were, indeed, anguished. His sister was, indeed, heartbroken.

Jason's soul parted this world, with the knowledge that he'd always be The forgotten Hero.

The lost hero. Jason Grace.

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shibaraki · 2 months

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I like ‘bad’ fanfiction I like crackfic and silly AUs I like fic that diverges so far from canon that it’s practically unrecognisable and fic that is blatantly self indulgent I like fanfics with no plot and cliches and predictable twists and repeated tropes! not every fanwork has to be a bestselling novel every single fic has a place and a purpose and sometimes I want to come home and read something that doesn’t require me to think! sue me

#thank you to every writer ily and I see the effort you put into your fics I just hope you know you’re allowed to play around and be silly #we have such range. masterlist be looking like fic one: emotional turmoil ✨ fic two: piss kink ✨ fic three: blorbo works at sainsburys #I enjoy each and every one 👍#sorry I’m preaching again ig lol I just saw some shitty comments on twit #‘omg this is so bad it’s so far fetched’ so what! it’s fun!! boring bastard aren’t u #bro I read fic for fandoms I’m not even in. for tv shows I’ve never even watched. as far as I’m concerned it’s CANON 🕺🏻#hell some of the best plots I’ve read have been ‘poorly written’ fics #not everything has to be good sometimes being bad is why it’s charming smh #and bad is subjective anyway #sorry I just love fanfic #and I’m still hungover #priv

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oneeyedleaf · 1 year

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Don’t cry, don’t cry you must still hide so wipe your tears pretend to smile!

#Emotional turmoil Phillip anyone?#The joy of being a writer is that I have free reigns to cause him trauma #the last dimension

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transformiing · 24 days

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technically from my au but this is how im envisioning turmoil

#if only the committed will survive; is anybody here still left alive? (turmoil)#directive from command (ooc)#img.file (writer's art)

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drainthecity · 9 months

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tenten is such an interesting character to me even though we don't get to see much of her development as a person and as a ninja the snippets we do see even if intended to be comical show her to be strict and self-critical but also aware of her own limits. the way she ponders her self-worth and deals with failure is so realistic, at least to me. she takes failure hard (who wouldn't??) but ultimately bounces back from it. like yeah sure they're ninjas and whatever but she's still a 17 year old girl wondering why every one is so far ahead, wondering why she is so slow. like she may not have much screen time (an atrocity) but i find that there's a lot more to her than the done with everyone member of team gai. BUT maybe im biased and looking too deeply into it because she's my favourite idk. at the end of the day even though I would've liked to see more of her and her abilities I don't mind making a meal out of scraps yknow

#this is just horrendous word vomit #despite calling myself a “writer” im actually horrid with words #but i couldnt stop thinking about tenten and her inner turmoils and her strengths #kind of working on a character studyish fic and needed to drop my mind trash somewhere #of course i would have loved seeing more of how she overcomes these insecurities #its a little fun having to piece it together

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zapoesia · 6 days

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toxins-private-collection · 13 days

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I live in the extremes.

Frozen from starvation, burning alive from overeating.

My emotions are volatile and like a computer with ads screaming “danger!”

When I love you, I will make you everything.

You are in the sunlight, the clothes I wear, the pleasures I take.

But when I hate you, your very existence will destroy me.

The sight of you will override my mind, demolish all joy, invade my peace.

The switch from one to the other and back is overwhelming and constantly changing.

I am an extreme, and I hope you can handle it

Because I sure can’t.

#poetry #my poem #tumblarians #writing #writers on tumblr #my writing #my poetry #dark poetry #emotional turmoil #emotions #emotional poetry #emotional poem

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hayloftll · 3 months

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Goodnight everyone except for whoever did my boy Izzy Hands like that

#IM LOOK AT YOU WRITER'S ROOM #izzy hands #ofmd #Bruh how am I gonna sleep tonight I'm in turmoil

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raccoonfallsharder · 3 months

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sometimes you’re revising your twenty-seventh and final chapter of a longform fanfic and you’re like

well shit

will i ever write anything this good again

guess im glad to have peaked in my thirties and not sooner

#window across the galaxy #just fanfiction things #rocket raccoon #i basically played with everything i like as a reader which was fun #narrative symmetry #recurring themes #emotional turmoil #blah blah blah #longform fic #just writer stuff #guardians of the galaxy #gotg fanfiction #rocket raccoon fanfiction

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ladylightning · 1 year

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thinking about how much better season 8 would have been if sam’s year of domestic bliss was with sarah blake from s1. sam is spiraling after losing dean, cas, and kevin in one fail swoop and has a chance encounter with old flame sarah blake from a past case. she’s recently separated with a young son. their relationship mirrors deanlisa. sam does not have to hide who he is with sarah because she knows what he does, unlike amelia. sarah ultimately breaks it off to give things another go with her husband like in the original amelia storyline.

the rest of s8 is largely the same, but it makes 8x22 clip show more devastating. crowley is killing the people sam and dean had saved, including sarah. sam is devastated and is determined to finish the trials. the curing of crowley is so much more intense as crowley begs sam for forgiveness for killing sarah. sam is unable to complete the trials because he cannot forgive crowley and be truly purified by the trials.

#sometimes it feels like the spn writers room fumbles on purpose #bc like AMAZING idea to have sarah come back #and a devastating loss when she dies but like it wasn’t earned #and you had the opportunity to earn that turmoil!!!#and instead you give us a half baked hallmark movie subplot #spn #supernatural #sam winchester #samelia #spn season 8 #spn s8

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thief-of-eggs · 5 months

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what if i put some angst into my perfectly good fluff wip??

what if i turned this cutesy lil fic into something emotionally devastating??

what if i took a character who deserves the most happiness in earth, and completely shattered them??

#i mean who’s gonna stop me #(someone please stop me)#i’m incapable of just making fluff #there must be emotional TURMOIL first #i’m convinced the fluff hits better after some angst (i’m delusional)#writing #timkon #author #writer #fanfic #fanfic author #fanfic writing #ao3 #ao3 author

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designers-teaparty · 7 months

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My zine hot take is that when you're introducing your contributors individually, just writing "this is [name] and they are joining us as [position]" is lame and uninspired and you should write about what exactly about their work is captivating and made you choose them as a contributor!! You're advertising your zine with these people!!! Tell your buyers how why the people and works in it are awesome and they should get a copy!!!! Hype them up!!!! I swear none of these soc med mods know shit about promoting things.

#saw a zine post and got pissed #like these people make the zine possible and you're like “yeah here is [name]”#tell us how awesome of an artist they are #how amazing of a writer #the way the shapes in their art express the emotional turmoil of the characters they are depicting #the way their prose and metaphors craft images of a worl unseen #idk man get creatove #also the self intros do NOT count #don't let the contributors do all the work for fuck's sake

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fluffypotatey · 1 year

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*staring deeply at my dr. geyer & liam fic* ........what if i just said fuck canon?

#canon compliant who????#this was just supposed to be a character study #a simple and nice outsider pov that touched on liam's relationship with his parents #and his emotional turmoil with keeping secrets from his loved ones #we saw it when he was struggling with keeping a distance with Mason #so my smart (dumb) ass thought: let's do the parents! bc why the fuck not!#it's be nice #like a 5 times david geyer noticed something and the 1 time he couldn't deny the truth kind of shit #NOPE #that's not where this fic is going anymore lmao #cutesy one-shot who???? short little fic series when?????#you may not see me but my laughter is the only thing keeping me from descending into insanity #anyway #fic mayhaps will diverge from canon after i'm done with the s5 portion of it (bc SOMEhow i can't stop writing about s5?????)#teen wolf #liam dunbar #dr geyer #fic #writing #woes of a foolish fic writer #when is a fic writer on their last thread of sanity? when they toe the line of staying faithful to canon or just diving into the deep end

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transformiing · 24 days

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scribbly turmoil face :p

#img.file (writer's art)#directive from command (ooc)#if only the committed will survive; is anybody here still left alive? (turmoil)

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pocketchangestories · 2 months

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Alright, just remembered this from when I was in turmoil some months ago. Enjoy.

CW: discussions of loneliness

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

"Loneliness"

How does one define it? You've got friends, you've got family, you have people that care about you. At least you believe they do. They do, of course they do.

Loneliness is a comfort, but not a good one. Dealing with yourself is easier than others dealing with you. It's always easier to do things on your own. No space for screw ups when the room around you is void of anyone else. Everything is better your way and no one will do it the way you can. It's better to be alone. It's better to give in to the lonely.

Fading in and out of lives, never around long enough, a mist in the wind, a blur in an image. People see you and- oh, maybe I've seen them somewhere! At a store or maybe high school? I can't really put my finger on it-. A temporary being in the lives around you. Not there for long. Push them away before they can get tired of you. You want to make polite conversation, create a connection, but the lonely calls you and coils around your throat. A feeling that you mistake for comfort and decide to fall back into its loving arms. Like a snakes hold on you. The lonely is comfort. The lonely can't hurt you. It's a safe place here, why would you ever want to leave?

Eventually, you notice it. Subtle at first. A dull ache, something easy to ignore. It starts to grow and you look down to see yourself fading. It starts slow, but it moves. Envelopes you. Swallows you whole. The lonely has you. It's not eager to let go.

It's dark. It's cold. It's so empty. So quiet. Nothing for you and no one around for you. You quietly disappeared and no one noticed, for they didn't even know you were there. You're gone and you've been forgotten so easily. You're not upset, are you? This is what you wanted. You wanted that dreadful feeling of complete loneliness. You reveled in it. So why are you upset? Why do you mourn those who never remembered you? Why do you weep for those who don't care? Who never cared? You're safe here. You're all in your lonesome, you're okay. You're alright with the lonely.

But you're not. Are you?

The light is faint. It's not bright, not hardly there. You see it, though. An out. An escape. It's not an easy trek, the lonely pulls you back every step you take towards it. You remember the love, you remember the warmth, you remember the happiness. They're calling to you and you run. You run to the light that glows brighter and brighter as you grow nearer. The lonely is close. You touch the light and suddenly you're in the arms of... someone. You know that face. They smile at you and hug you tight and whisper how much they missed you. They're happy you're back. The lonely can't get you anymore, not in the arms of those who love you. You're home and you no longer want to be lonely.

#writing #writer #poem? idk #delete later maybe #i wrote this #im proud of it #emotional turmoil is one hell of a drug #uhhh #cw: lonely

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