#why can’t I be happy like in 2018
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two sides of the same coin - mv1
masterlist
Summary: The one where you try to convince yourself that you’re not falling for your teammate, but can’t help it when you realise that he is not that different from you after all.
Pairing: max verstappen x reader
Word Count: 3.4k
Warnings: cursing, mommy issues (same), daddy issues, ISSUES OKAY, ISSUES, EVERYBODY HAS ISSUES, J*s Verstappen (yikes), allusions to eating disorders, a singular mention of divorce babe divorce, angst (why am i writing so much angst), daniel ricciardo being the best older grid-brother there is, slight frenemies to lovers if your squint, i don’t really like horner but he’s like the only father figure max ever had so he’s a good guy in this one.
Request: “teammates to lovers with max please!❣️”
Author’s Note: hi, hey, hello!! i did NOT expect to get this out today, but there you go! it was so much fun to write and honestly, i might slowly becoming a max girl (sorry carlos). anyway, please check the warning tags if you haven’t already, because there might be some possibly triggering content. thank you, anon, for the request, i hope you guys enjoy! good morning, noon or night wherever you are, xoxobee
Please also note that all of my works are protected under copyright, and not available for reposting on other platforms.
2018
“Do you have to leave?” You ask the Australian in front of you who, coincidentally, is kneeled on the floor and in the middle of packing his bag. “Can’t you just… I don’t know, stay?”
“Come on, cheer up.” He says, “You’re supposed to be happy that I’m changing teams, Y/N.”
You scoff, dropping yourself to lay down and bending your knees to rest your feet on the couch. “I don’t have to be happy about anything.” You throw the tennis ball in your hand towards the wall, catching it and doing it all over again in a pattern in which you know is going to make Daniel mad.
“Any other potential driver would be happy about this, Horner already told you the seat would be yours. So, there is no reason why you shouldn’t feel happy about this.”
“Well, I still don’t.” You huff, turning your head towards the man jokingly glaring at you.
He laughs, gives you a look and returns to his task while shaking his head slightly. “You’re a very weird girl, Y/N.”
“Wow, Daniel. That’s brand-new information.” A third voice interrupts your discussion from the door. It’s Max leaning against the frame with his arms crossed across his chest. You halt the movement of your hands to send him a scathing look.
You roll your eyes, mumbling something along the lines of “No one asked you,” under your breath.
“Play nice, Max Emilian.” Daniel mumbles, making the Dutch groan and you laugh. “Fuck, how did I pack this in the first place?”
“You wouldn’t have this issue if you didn’t get too comfortable in your driver’s room, Danny.” You offer, raising yourself on your elbows to get a better look at the already bursting luggage. “You still have a ton of stuff at the hotel, too.”
“Maybe you should just stop living like a slob.” Max offers this time, making both you and Daniel to glare at him. “Jesus, tough room.”
“You should become a comedian,” you tell him with a voice dripping with sarcasm, “Max Emilian.”
He straightens his posture quickly, “You know what, Y/N–”
“Calm down, children.” Daniel sighs and giving you both the look. “You two need to get along now that I’m not going to be there to stop some kind of childish feud–”
“It’s not childish–” You argue at the same time Max complains, “She pushed me off the track!”
You furiously get up from your place on the couch and walk towards him with an accusatory finger extended towards him. “It wasn’t me, you dickhead, it was Charles! And it was an accident!”
“I don’t care,” He contends, “You were helping him push me off the track.” He shakes his head while mumbling, “Incident, inchident, as if I’m stupid.”
“Why would I help him when I was racing against both of you, Max?”
“I don’t know,” He shrugs, a devilish smirk on his lips. “Maybe you had a crush on him.”
“I- I did not!” Your shout is high pitched, you gasp and start to follow him with enraged steps when he walks out of the room. “You get back right here, Max, you insufferable twat!”
Daniel is left with an empty room and a luggage which is about to explode. “They’ll be fine,” he announces, mostly to himself but also at the poor intern who watches the corridor you’re both walking down in while continue your very loud fight. “Do you think you can get me another luggage?”
2019
It’s not like you hate Max, you don’t hate him at all. In fact, he’s gone out of his way to make you feel comfortable from your change in role from a reserve driver to the second driver at Red Bull. Looking back, you can now say that everything happened so quickly. One day, you were the reserve driver for Aston Martin Red Bull Formula One team, and the next day, Christian Horner invited you to his office to offer you an opportunity of a lifetime. Having a reserve driver who was a woman had already had the team under a large microscope – some calling it a step in the right direction whilst others arguing that it was nothing more than a PR move to gain sympathy. You tried telling your team principle your concerns about the media but he assured you that all will be dealt with and all you would need to do is drive a good race.
So, you left the office with a renewed, and rewritten, contract and never looked back. After that, it was a whirlwind of media duties (both due to your ‘promotion’ and Daniel’s departure), photoshoots, and much more. Your trusted Apple Watch was replaced with a Tag Heuer one, which left you terrified of losing it. But Horner assured you that they’d deal with it – “Should you ever lose the watch, but try not to because it costs a lot of money, okay?” Max was with you in every step of the way, even though his father clearly unapproved of your pseudo-friendship. You sometimes think the only reason the two of you ever became friends is due to the fact that it was forced upon you due to you being teammates, but Max proves this to be wrong every time he brings you coffee in morning briefings because; “I don’t want for them to repeat it and extend the meeting because you’re sleepy,” or when he checks up on you before a race in a particular track he knows you’re anxious about; “Just making sure you’re calmed down so you don’t accidentally hit me,” or how he comforts you after every fight you have with your mother.
Which brings us to another topic – your mother. You suppose what J.D Salinger said was true – Mothers are all slightly insane. And you are allowed to say that, because yours takes the term ‘dance mom’ to a whole other level. You thought since Daniel convinced your mother that he’d take care of you, she’d stay away, but she became very interested in your career as a racing driver. You’d hoped that wouldn’t be the case, but your dreams are crushed like your car when she shows up in your first race. You two have a very public fight, which Christian has to break up for both of your sakes, leaving you to lock yourself in your driver’s room for the remainder of the race. It’s only when your door is knocked you realise the race is over. You’re about to yell back against the persistent knocks that you want to be left alone when you hear his voice.
You get up and open to door to let Max in, only to find yourself crashing in his arms on the couch, sobbing through his calming words. “It’s going to be fine,” he says and somehow you realise maybe the two of you aren’t so different.
2020
Between the pandemic and the new regulations, the 2020 season rocks your world – in a totally not cool way. The paddock buzzes with the health restrictions, everyone wanting to keep their drivers and staff safe. The stress from the unknown which comes from the fact that you’re in a freaking pandemic and that fact that your mother and Helmut Marko is enough to keep you on the edge throughout the whole season. The fights with your mother now more prominent than ever, you’re fairly sure that the poor people who are supposed to be doing their jobs can’t even do that because the fight seems to continue wherever you go. One day it’s about the fact that you couldn’t get a podium, the next time it’s because of the fact that you were third, you didn’t push enough, you pushed too hard, you didn’t use enough throttle, and the list goes on. You can feel the light in you fading with every fight, and the criticising jabs being masked as ‘little comments’, you’re just glad that you’re getting through the season without wanting to explode.
It's between practice sessions when you sit down for lunch with your mother. You both order your food – her a salad, and you a sandwich. After the waiter leaves, your mother lets out an unsatisfied hum.
“What’s wrong, mom?” You ask, trying to keep your voice and facial expression calm.
“Wouldn’t it be better if you ate something healthier?” She asks, her voice condescending in every way you absolutely hate. “It would save your engineers a whole lot of work.”
You sigh, turning your attention to your phone in your hands to appear busy. “The world isn’t going to end if I eat two slices of bread for lunch, mom.” You mumble.
“It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t maintain healthier habits, I heard of this new diet–”
“I think she said she’d prefer the sandwich, Ms. Y/LN.” A voice interrupts, the one which you’ve become accustomed with. When you raise your head up, Max meets your eyes with an expectant look. “I’m sorry to keep your lunch short, but Christian said he wanted to meet us.”
And with that, he quickly whisks you away from your mother. You’re confused when he leads you to his driver’s room instead of Christian’s office. You look at him with raised eyebrows, “I thought we were meeting Christian.”
“Well, I might’ve lied.” He shrugs. Then, he moves towards the serving plate on the little table and motions you to sit. You’re even more surprised to find the sandwich you’ve ordered on the plate. He must’ve anticipated this because he explains it as he offers you the plate. “I was sitting a few tables over and heard you order it, now eat.”
“Thanks, Max.” You whisper with a breathy voice.
“It’s going to be fine.” He whispers back, making sure you eat every bite.
2021
Everything is much more tense this season. Although the go through the races is podium finishes and points (and even a few wins), you realise Max is more on edge than you are. This also puts you in a slight state of panic, as he’s been the one better at keeping the cool between the two of you, but you manage to put your own insecurities aside to help your friend who’s done the same for you for the past two years. It starts with encouraging words and continues with comforting touches which evolve into hands lingering around after hugs. It becomes stolen looks across the rooms or group interviews where they separated the two of you. It later becomes holding each other’s hands under the tables during function and award shows and even holding each other in the comfort of your respective driver’s or hotel rooms.
Max brings home a win in Monaco, while you steal the first place from Seb in Azerbaijan. He’s not bitter about it, in fact he congratulates you and doses you in so much champagne you have to take two showers to get the stickiness off your hair when you get back to your hotel room. While the season seems to be going for you from the race perspective, you realise Max is starting to have more problems with his father. You try your best when it comes to reassuring him, but both you and Max realise that you’re more open to being comforted than him. So, you provide the silence he craves and he eventually lets you know that he is ready for your cuddles. It’s a sad but a good routine.
There’s one incident with an interview during the season. The tensions are high and people are starting to question your ability as a driver more now that you are bringing home podiums and wins. They are sceptical about the fact that you are a woman and question your every move and achievement – but you don’t mind it, you’re doing it for the little girls everywhere who watch you and hope to achieve the same things as you one day.
An interviewer asks, “Isn’t it hard to focus on your task when you’re surrounded with nineteen other drivers who happen to be all men?”
You’re still tired from the previous race and not getting a full night’s sleep the night before, that it takes a while for you to comprehend the question. Thankfully, Daniel and Seb are there to defend you alongside Max. You turn your focus to the interviewer who asked the question as their protests die down. “Well,” you start with a shaky laugh, “I know the past year has messed up us all, but I’m not particularly into anything involving masks or stuff that conceal the face.” There is a nervous laughter around the room and the interviewer is not pleased with your answer. “Shall we continue?” You ask in the sweetest voice you can muster. When you look at Daniel and Max, both of them grin at you while giving you a supportive thumbs-up.
You find yourself in his hotel room in Austin, a couple weeks after the race in Turkey. His eyes are focused on the portable screen as he plays FIFA. You’ve realised it’s a pre-race routine for him – not that you understand, his eyes must be tired after looking at the screen for too long. He asks you if you want to play and you agree, albeit timidly. He lets you play a few rounds after taking over and playing for fourteen hours straight to find himself ranking 21 worldwide.
“You can always join an esports team after this.” You joke, your head is on the back of the couch as you look up at him. He laughs, agreeing you without any objection.
“Maybe I should.”
“What, you’re not going to continue racing until you are an old prune?” You ask.
His face contorts. “No, that’s not the goal, schatje.”
“Then tell me,” You move your hands under your chin to appear more interested despite the sleep in your eyes. “what is the goal?”
“To prove a point, and then I’m free.” He replies, mimicking your earlier pose.
“You’re going to be fine, Max.” You speak in a soft voice; your touch is soft on his cheek when you bring one of your hands to caress the skin. “You’re going to become the champion this year.”
“How do you know?” Max asks, you can tell it is not to be sceptical, but it is in genuine curiosity.
“Female intuition.”
He lets out a big laugh, grabbing your wrist gently and pressing a kiss on the tips of your fingers. “Come on, we have to sleep before tomorrow. He have a race to win.”
He wins, by the way – the race in Austin. And then, he goes on to win the 2021 World Championship. There are tears in your eyes as you congratulate him on the team radios, and after you get out of your car. He brings you on the podium and kisses you in front of the whole world. You realise that he was right all those times after all, everything is going to be fine.
2022
Both of you are in a bubble when you get to the 2022 season. He kisses you before every race, you do the same. You wish each other luck and proceed to race on the track the best you can. You find each other after every race, mostly covered in champagne, and kiss again. Both of your parents were opposed to your relationship at first – your mother and his father. It’s funny to think that now, because he’s introduced you to his mother and you introduced him to your dad, and as far as their approval goes, the love extends both ways. You’ve told your mother to stop coming to races, presenting a clear argument without raising your voice once, which leaves her no choice to agree to your wishes. It was scary to even consider doing it, but the proud look on Max’s face is enough for you to do it all again.
You win the race in Monaco this year. Max is P3, but he looks just as happy as you when you direct your bottle of champagne towards him. Although Carlos is there with you on the podium, in that moment, it feels like the world consists of only the two of you. You go to celebrate with the team, of course. Christian pushing you into the pool and you pulling Max, and consequently him, alongside you. Someone captures the moment and you post it to your social media. Daniel makes sure everyone knows that he approves.
The fight is still on, as Lewis would say. You know both him and Max are still fighting for the title. No one expected you to join the two of them in their fight for the title. The first few races are hard at the start of the season, but you outrace most of your friends on the track after your win in Monaco. By the time you get to Abu Dhabi for the season’s last race, you’re a shaky mess. He takes you into his arms and whispers affirming promises into your ear.
“You’re going to become the world champion,” He announces to you. “I know you’re going to do it.”
Your voice comes out creaking as you question, “How do you know?”
There is a warm smile on his lips as he answers, “Female intuition.”
You both get ready to race before you could answer because of the knock on the door.
“YOU DID IT, Y/N, YOU ARE THE FIRST FEMALE WORLD CHAMPION IN THE HISTORY OF FORMULA ONE!” Horner shouts through your radio.
You’re still shaking by the time you park your car, and can’t get out even when your team huddles around you to celebrate. It takes a while to take it all in, but as you stand on the podium as the reigning champion with the man you love, nothing else matters to you in the world. You look around to see the smile on people’s faces, people shouting and cheering for you, and you even see your father who holds a banner with one of his hands as his other arm is wrapped around your team principal. It’s a bittersweet feeling, winning the same season one of your best friends announce that he is going to become a reserve driver. But Daniel is right there with your dad and Christian, screaming your name with pride. After your national anthem is played and you pop the champagne, you’re trying to get your eyes dry from all the tears as Max suddenly falls to his knees. You kneel with him with panic, of course, thinking that there might be something wrong with his heartbeat or something worse. But right as you’re about to call for help he brings something from his back towards you, opening the small box while maintaining his eye contact with you. There is an uproar of cheers around you, but it doesn’t matter. As far as you’re concerned, there’s only Max and you – and you and Max.
“Marry me, liefje.” He says.
You nod your head, “Yes.”
He gathers you up in his arms after he puts the ring on your finger. You realise that he was right from the beginning, everything is more than fine.
2023
“You need to stop doing this to yourself.” You announce as you watch Daniel struggle with his overflowing luggage – again. “You’re not even driving this season.”
“It’s not my fault, I can’t not take what the fans give me.” He tries to defend himself; he points to the suitcase with frustration. “Can you help me, please?”
“Only because I am in a good mood.” You announce as you kneel beside him and the two of you try closing the monstrosity in front of you.
You know Max is there before he announces his arrival. “Putting my wife to work, Daniel?” He asks. He comes to kneel with the two of you helping you close the luggage up. Then, he kisses you softly on your lips as he mumbles, “Hello, Mrs. Verstappen.”
“Hello, Mr. Verstappen.” You giggle.
“God, you guys are insufferable.” Daniel pretends to gag, receiving glares from the both of you. “Remember when you guys hated each other? Yeah, I miss those days.”
“We never hated each other.” Max shrugs.
“Yeah,” You seem to agree with your husband. “It was just an inchident of misunderstanding.”
“I better be your future kids’ godfather!” He yells behind you as you start to leave (your) driver’s room. “Children, bloody children.” He mumbles to himself, he waves his arms for help when he spots one of the interns, “Hey, do you think you can get me another luggage?”
#monzabee#requests open#f1 fic#f1 fanfic#f1 smut#formula 1#fanfic#f1 x reader#f1 x you#f1 x y/n#max verstappen#max verstappen x reader#max verstappen imagine#imagine#fluff#angst#smut#max verstappen smut#max verstappen fluff#daniel ricciardo is the best
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LET ME IN — yu jimin x f!reader
you return to your hometown after being overseas for years. there was no possible way for you to anticipate your old high school sweetheart waiting at the airport.
TAGS — angst, little fluff, exes to lovers, happy ending, high school sweetheart, cursing
WORDCOUNT — 5.1k
the sweater that you had picked out today, feels unfamiliar on your skin. it’s the one which reads, ‘seniors of 2018’. it’s the one you had never gone near, leaving it to rot in your closet. it’s the one that holds the most painful memories for you. how could a piece of clothing cause you so much pain?
frankly, you know why. it’s the one jimin had given to you as you left for the train to the airport. “something to remember me by,” she had stated after pulling it over the top of your head.
you had huffed, playfully asking, “how could i ever forget you?”
your closet had witnessed your stares— or rather glares at the sweater. not until an hour had passed, when you finally heaved a sigh and grabbed it off the hanger that was situated at the corner of the closet. it’s just because it’s comfortable, you had reasoned before. and it didn’t matter what you wore underneath the puffer jacket, it would end up covered.
of course, these were all excuses, trying to deny the very fact that it just reminded you of jimin. and you were very welcoming towards such reminders.
reminders of what?
you shake your head, picturing a blank canvas before the melodic laughter filled your ears. jimin’s laugh.
the screeching of your luggage’s wheels distract you. aeri’s standing at the door, a hand on your suitcase.
“hey girl,” she checks the watch on her wrist, “we gotta go. flight’s at 2.”
you nod, ignoring the fact that you had spent almost two whole hours thinking about the repercussions of returning back to… home? could you even call it that?
aeri seems to notice your inner turmoil, since in the taxi, she places a comforting hand over yours, sending you a small smile. while it didn’t really settle your nerves, you appreciated the effort nonetheless.
the journey to the boarding gate is like a fever dream. your airpods betraying you, randomly shuffling to a girls’ generation song. it was like a cry back to the past, when you and jimin would listen to girls’ generation songs together.
for jimin, you had complied.
you open your eyes, you can only see the back of someone’s head above the aeroplane’s seat. if you keep your eyes closed for too long, you might start to envision a blur of jimin’s perfect eyes, her nose, her lips that were always pursed in disappointment when she caught you and minjeong stealing her snacks…
the realisation that you can’t remember the face that once made you the happiest girl on the planet hits hard. it hits harder than the guilt and misery you felt when jimin, a week after you had left korea, sent a flurry of messages that went unresponded.
“i didn’t know you liked girls’ generation,” aeri comments. startled, you stare at your phone, the lock screen wallpaper being jimin’s back displaying girls’ generation’s holiday night baseball t-shirt. the girl had forced you to buy matching ones with her, you recall bitterly.
“i don’t,” you answer coolly, swiftly turning off your phone. aeri eyes you weirdly but eventually lets you off the hook and leans back into her seat.
the rest of the thirteen hours flight, you busy yourself with work— leftovers from the time before break, drafts of sketches, thesis statements and long-winded essays. while a plane was not the best environment to finish a full drawing, you could at least make some rough sketches. somehow, your pencil graphite gravitates from sturdy, concrete buildings to soft cheekbones, hooded eyes, pouty lips.
shit, you blink, taking in your subconscious sketch of a woman, familiar to your past.
almost instantly shutting your sketchbook shut, you ignore the implications of what your mind was telling you. the crew neck sweater itches at your neck. it’s almost like the words embroidered on the cotton burn into your heart, to always make you remember and recall the time before messy relationships, longing feelings and just enjoying the present time.
time. you didn’t have much of it anyway.
maybe this trip would allow you to make peace with the past. you wouldn’t flinch whenever your friends would talk about league of legends champion, ‘katarina’, or you wouldn’t immediately decline movie night with aeri in fear that one of the actresses would look eerily similar to jimin.
allowing your brain to wander past your comfort zone, you wonder what she's doing now. was she a flight stewardess? did she manage to finally get better at pubg? was her favourite colour still blue? did she still have that sparkle in her eyes when food was brought up?
the last thought makes you chuckle, reminiscing how excited jimin was whenever food was involved. when yizhuo would bring back mala snacks from china, jimin would be gone in a flash.
(so would yizhuo’s snacks, you can’t count the number of times you were forced to lie about who the perpetrator was.
maybe it was worth it when jimin would beam at you, flashing a bright smile that rivalled the shine of diamonds).
with bittersweet memories, you drift off. sleepless nights made up for, by just giving yourself permission to think about her.
you dream of crashing waves, two people on the shore, just sitting down and gazing at the scenery. the sunset’s everlasting in this timeline. like time doesn’t exist and all they did was stare at the deep ocean.
before you even get to see their faces, the announcement rings throughout the flight.
you sigh deeply, catching the attention of aeri.
“you okay? you slept so soundly, i thought you died,” the japanese girl asks worriedly. you laugh, it was the best sleep you ever got, and it was on an aeroplane.
strange how our consciousness works.
“i’m good,” this time you weren’t lying.
you stare at the glass doors, wondering if minjeong had told anyone else to come fetch you. it wasn’t a far fetched thought, maybe the girl had asked yizhuo to come as well. the chinese girl would kill minjeong if she didn’t tell her about your arrival back in korea after what? three, almost four years?
“hey, i asked my friend to pick us up and she might have brought someone else,” you warn aeri.
“oh that’s fun… why do you sound so scared?”
“because, the other girl is a little overbearing,” you scoff, “she might try to climb you, just a warning.”
aeri widens her eyes as you two drag your luggage to the gates.
she gapes, “no kidding? is she a koala or something?”
“something like that,” you shrug.
the doors open. it’s your first step (not really) into korea. the air is the same anywhere else, but the feeling isn’t.
it’s the feeling of uncertainty. the feeling of fear. aeri clasps your free hand tightly in hers, sensing your hesitance.
your gaze glides over the crowd of people waiting for their own family. aeri makes a noise of recognition and she pulls you to the side, you finally spot someone familiar.
“minjeong…!” you call out, voice going silent at the sight of a girl that is most definitely not minjeong.
it’s not yizhuo either, that’s for sure.
“did minjeong get plastic surgery or something?”
you want to run.
“because… that’s not— that’s not minjeong,” you whisper, “that’s yu jimin.”
aeri deadpans, “you say that like i know who the hell she is.”
you want to kill minjeong. and maybe jimin wants to kill aeri with how hard she’s glaring at her.
jimin only trots slowly towards you.
jimin’s eyes dart from aeri’s face back to yours, her hard, cold gaze trailing down to your sweater that has come uncovered by the puffer jacket. your eyes narrow when she raises an eyebrow at you, as if asking you, “why are you wearing that?”
you don’t answer her, because you don’t know either.
“i’m jimin, y/n’s—”
“friend,” you interrupt, quickly turning away to avoid the flash of hurt on jimin’s face.
the mentioned girl recovers quickly, putting on a fake smile, “classmate of y/n from high school.”
“i’m uchinaga aeri, y/n’s roommate, thank you for picking us up!” aeri grins widely, ignoring the deadly lasers pointing her way.
“where are you staying, if i may ask?” jimin’s sharp tone doesn’t go unnoticed by you.
“with y/n—”
you cover aeri’s mouth, knowing how jimin gets, “it’s none of your business.”
your roommate makes a noise of indignation and licks a long strip across your palm. you groan, taking it off her mouth and wiping it on her jacket.
“that’s so gross,” you mutter in english.
“your english has gotten better,” jimin notes as the three of you walk to her car.
you don’t know what to say, so you stay silent.
“where do you stay, jimin-ssi?” aeri makes small talk to cover up the awkward silence. you thank her internally.
jimin stares at you through the mirror, “with y/n.”
you bite your lip, nervous at what jimin might say next. you had never told aeri about your complicated relationship with jimin and you didn’t plan to. only because of kim minjeong meddling in, now it seems like everything has to be uncovered again.
“she’s a bad roommate, right?” surprisingly, aeri ignores jimin’s statement and instead continues to complain about you.
you’re shocked, to say the least. you thought aeri would have started blabbing and asking probing questions about your past roommate situation. or maybe she noticed your sullen look.
“i thought four years would have been enough for her to change her bad habits,” jimin says.
you know for a fact she isn’t talking about the same thing as aeri. jimin was even worse than you as a roommate; eating your secret snack stash, never cleaning up the pile of laundry she had in her room and always invading your alone time in bed.
“many things have changed,” you mumble, “i’m not the same as before.”
the car goes silent, jimin probably analysing your words while aeri pouts, confused by the strange tension you had with your so-called friend.
“if you desire something enough, you’d want it to stay the same forever.”
you retort, “change is inevitable.”
aeri says quietly in the corner, “i know the guy who said that, his name is like john, or something.”
struggling to keep your laughter silent, you splutter in aghast at aeri’s sudden general knowledge.
“you’re so strange,” you comment.
aeri laughs, “i know, but you like me for that, right?”
(“—only had a brain the size of a walnut, that’s why the stegosaurus was one of the dumbest dinosaurs!” jimin reads out loud from your bed.
you stand at your vanity, finishing up your skincare, trying not to laugh at jimin’s absurd dinosaur facts, “you’re so weird.”
“you like that about me though?”)
you sense how intimate the conversation feels for the both of you, so you stop answering aeri and instead focus on jimin. her grip on the steering wheel has tightened significantly, eyes burning with something you can’t identify.
“you’re being annoying again, go to sleep or something, it’s a long drive from here to my house—” you halt in the middle of your sentence, finally questioning the very fact of… why?
why is yu jimin here? even if minjeong asked her to, why? the jimin you knew would never do this. the jimin you knew would never give up her sleeping time just to fetch an old friend, who she maybe had something going on with, and a stranger? yizhuo had friends from china who were visiting, and even then, jimin refused to fetch them from the airport. she was the only one in your friend group with a licence so it only made sense to ask her.
you try to bury yourself in the sweater even more. it was fine for now. seeing jimin in the flesh. but maybe you were so jet lagged that you hadn’t made sense of the situation yet.
the only sensible thing to do for now, was to let yourself escape into dreamland and wait for the morning after.
you can only anticipate it would be full of awkward silence, tension-filled gazes, hesitant actions.
it’s difficult to fall asleep. you decide to blame your insomnia on the nap you had during the flight. even when you know it’s because of the deeply asleep body, separated by a thin wall.
you’re sitting upright, staring at the unveiled moon. it’s stunning, not like the sun which literally glares. the moon is calming, easing you into the next day, all while making you feel… loneliness.
how could you feel lonely even with so many people around you?
(“do you think soulmates exist?” you had asked, curious of jimin’s take on such tales.
the girl seems taken aback, but she ultimately replies, “if they do, i think you’re mine.”)
you clench the duvet in your fists tightly, mind grasping at any other thought than of yu jimin. it’s unfortunate that you seem to enjoy the pain and torture past memories bring with how often your brain wanders through them.
maybe it’s time to come clean with yourself.
you were back in your hometown. you were staying in the same apartment as you did before you left. one that you shared with yu jimin; one that you called home.
eyes starting to become watery, you wipe them off and take a seat at your desk. if you were going to stay awake the rest of the night, might as well get work done. pulling out your sketchbook, the first page to be opened is the drawing of jimin from the flight. the realisation slaps you.
how long would it take someone to get over the love of their life?
for you, maybe eternity.
the door creaks open slightly. your head turns sharply, hand instinctively covering the drawing.
“y/n…?”
“jimin,” you inhale, “why are you still awake?”
she doesn’t bother to answer you and instead chooses to sit on your bed. once you notice the pyjamas she’s wearing, you feel daggers stab into your heart. it’s one of your many matching pyjamas with her. you hadn’t touched any of them since you left korea.
“are you dating aeri?” she asks.
you know what she’s secretly trying to ask.
“no, she’s just a friend.”
“that’s what they always say,” jimin scoffs. her tone doesn’t sit right with you.
with a sudden urge to defend your friendship with aeri, you shoot back, “i recall you saying that about lee jeno too.”
your words clearly strike a chord in jimin, her eyes widen, hurtful remarks at the tip of her tongue. yet, she merely looks away. you hate how beautiful she looks in the moonlight.
“y’know, technically we’re still dating.”
“what are you talking about?” you ask, bewildered.
jimin rolls her eyes, “we never explicitly broke up, you only ghosted me. technically we’re still together.”
“stop spouting nonsense.”
the girl only pouts in annoyance. you hate how your heartstrings tug at her cute expression. right now, yu jimin had to be anything but cute.
“and i didn’t ghost you, i was busy.” the lie slips out easily, revealing how used you are to saying it. jimin, of course, doesn’t believe you. she had never.
jimin frowns.
“you always say that too.”
she stands up, walking bit by bit closer to you. your hand grips the sketchbook protectively.
placing a hand onto the back of your chair, jimin smirks, leaning in. you hate how attractive she looks.
her now blonde locks form a curtain around your faces, preventing any outsider to peek in and see what you were doing.
“i think you’re a bad friend,” jimin claims.
“what?”
you can’t take your eyes off her fluttering eyelashes, her red nose, probably from the cold, and her eyes filled with determination.
“you lied to aeri,” she whispers, “since when were we ever just friends?”
a lump forms in your throat. your heart constricts. you can barely even say a word. you’re speechless.
“we’re barely even friends, roommates, probably,” you splutter out.
“yeah?”
“yeah.” jimin eyes you with an amused expression, lips twitching with the threat of a big, wide smile. you realise your words bid you no help, only further supplying as a challenge for jimin— for you to admit that you were more than friends. no words needed to be exchanged about that fact, but you being you, after fulfilling years of ghosting, would never admit that you harboured any sort of feelings for jimin after being the main reason why your relationship fell apart.
you would argue that your absence was just a contributing factor. the real trigger came in the form of lee jeno, a man that you could say with your whole heart and soul, you hated with every bone in your body.
after you had left, with a promise to stay in contact with jimin, you realised how hard it was to maintain your relationship status. and when jimin posted countless instagram stories of jeno, you realised again that maybe it was best to break it off.
never in the duration of your ‘ghosting stage’ had you ever told jimin the real reason for your sudden coldness. madly jealous and insecure, you decided to disappear. disappear just from jimin though.
“i’ve always been curious,” jimin pulls back from your intense gaze, “why you started being so distant, cold and indifferent. tell me, will you?”
“that’s just my personality.” a direct white lie, you decide to tell.
“i was heartbroken,” she ignores you and continues her monolouge, “my girlfriend decides to ghost me, and just me. made me think i did something wrong.”
you lick your lips, suddenly feeling your throat constrict up. no longer was this just banter, the conversation was steering into uncharted territory.
“it wasn’t just you,” you desperately argue, trying to direct the conversation away, “moving to another country isn’t easy.”
“you’re pretending our whole relationship didn’t exist. maybe in your eyes it meant nothing, but for me, it was everything. don’t you know every single day i have nightmares? the craziest thing is that all the demons in my nightmares have your smile,” jimin whispers fiercely, “and yet, i stay faithful to those nightmares, even if i wake up crying for someone who didn’t even bother answering my calls. you may have only been in the states, but it felt like you were on another planet. i was the last person to know you were coming back, even though you promised me; promised that if you were to return, i would be the first person to—”
you can’t control yourself. hearing her words makes your blood boil. the pumping of your heart only accelerates further as you lift up your hand, delivering a heavy slap across her face. how dare she? how dare she act as if everything was your fault? how could she accuse your devotion and adoration for her?
“don’t act like you’re the fucking victim, karina,” you hiss, your words even more painful than the stinging red on jimin’s cheek, “the first morning after, i sent you so many texts, barely even seen. then i see your story. were you acting when you said you were sad about me leaving? or were you happy to finally say that you don’t have a girlfriend anymore?”
jimin cradles her cheek in her hand, eyes narrowing when you finally confess the real reason. you can tell she doesn’t remember anything. her not even knowing what she did that made you feel unneeded only drives the blade deeper into your heart.
“drinking at a club with lee jeno,” you say his name with venom, voice gradually getting louder and louder. remembering that aeri’s only a few walls away, you try to control your emotions. “could you not understand how i felt— you said nothing would come between us and the first week away from home, constantly ignoring me for some guy.”
(“call me when your plane lands,” jimin said, playing with the hem of her sweater on you.
“isn’t it gonna be midnight in korea when i land?”
the girl merely chuckles, “i’ll be up all night just to hear your voice.”)
the realisation strikes you like a lightning bolt.
“this was a mistake.”
“what?”
“this… me coming back. i should have just stayed in the states but fuck, i let aeri convince me,” you run your fingers through your tousled hair, stressed. jimin was going to cause you to have white hair.
the redness on jimin’s cheek is still there. you feel slightly guilty for ruining her clear complexion.
“that was just how i coped with you leaving,” jimin explains.
you purse your lips, placing your open palms on jimin’s chest. maybe she thinks you’re about to cave in since she sighs in relief. however, instead of pulling her in, you push her until her back is touching your door.
“i don’t need an explanation, or an apology,” you say firmly, “i need time alone away from you.”
“you’ve had 4 years to yourself,” jimin states bitterly.
“i’m sorry for slapping you, but please, either show me your actions matching your words, or just get out of my life for good.”
jimin sighs again, this one full of exasperation.
“go,” you mutter under your breath.
the knife drives deep into your already ruined heart as you push her away. the girl scoffs, grasping your open palms into her hands, intertwining your fingers.
“if you insist on pushing me away, i’ll get rid of any possibility of us being together again. just let me into your heart again,” she throws your hands away and slams the door. the loud bang echoes in your ears, but not as loudly as her words. it only takes a few seconds for you to collapse onto the floor, sobs wrecking your whole body.
“morning,” aeri yawns, “i heard a loud bang last night, was that you or is your apartment haunted?”
you drizzle maple syrup onto your stacked pancakes, sending a bittersweet smile to your friend. your night was spent tossing and turning, both guilt and anger consuming you. when the clock ticked at four in the morning, you finally let yourself think about how jimin made you feel. even if she went to drink right after you left, you should have communicated with her instead of ghosting her. you knew for a fact that she was heartbroken based on the numerous texts your friends had sent you.
fuck, you groan into your pillow. getting up from your bed, your eyes roam the room, eventually landing on the sketchbook at your desk. you never finished that drawing on the plane. after considering (or more likely procrastination), you sit down, pouring your hours and feelings into your drawings. countless of them filled up the sketchbook’s pages. the drawings’ subjects all looked eerily similar to jimin. her pointed nose, soft gaze were all captured in the pages. you finally come to terms with it. you were still in love with her. after all, she was your only muse. thinking about her words from before, you knew that she meant them. spending years waiting for someone who was basically a ghost couldn’t have been easy.
you were going to do something about it.
barely getting any sleep last night, you woke up earlier than usual and decided to prepare breakfast. aeri had woken up an hour after, stomach growling and eyes gleaming at the pancakes.
“by the way,” she says, mouth full of pancake, “i’m meeting up with a friend today and she’s bringing someone too. wanna go with me on a double date?”
fate must be messing with you since right as aeri says the words ‘double date’, yu jimin walks in. her hair tousled, puffed cheeks and eyes narrowing. you stiffen, focusing on picking at your pancakes instead. unbeknownst to you, once jimin spots the lone plate of breakfast on the counter, her gaze softens.
“do you know who your friend’s bringing…?” you whisper softly, trying not to catch the attention of jimin.
aeri, although you love her, says in the loudest voice possible, “somi will be your date! i think she’s your type.”
the scraping of the metal fork makes you squeeze your eyes shut, mentally preparing for jimin’s outburst.
“so-mi,” jimin clicks her tongue.
aeri nods, stuffing her face with more food.
she turns to you, “and you’re going on a date with her?”
“double date with me,” aeri clarifies, “don’t worry jimin-ssi, i’ll be there to protect y/n! y’know in college i always had to pick y/n up from her bad dates. her taste in guys suck.”
“seems like her taste in girls has been downgraded,” jimin comments, smirking. you roll your eyes, wanting nothing more than for her to shut up. aeri guffaws, taking out her phone. “i’ll show you somi’s instagram account and you can decide for yourself, y/n,” she says.
you nod, deciding not to say anything in case jimin flares up. somi’s very pretty, anyone would agree. she had her own attractive style and seemed really confident. you liked that. aeri wasn’t wrong to say that somi was your type. it was just unfortunate that your heart was in the hands of another girl.
while scrolling on aeri’s phone, her alarm rings, reading, ‘brunch with yunny.’
“ah! yunjin wanted to meet earlier, just the two of us,” aeri smiles, “text me later if you wanna join!” she stands up from the table. you’re astonished by how fast she managed to finish those pancakes, her stack was evidently taller than yours. jimin glances at you, amazed as well.
“did she inhale those…?”
“i’ve got no fucking clue,” you mumble, digging into your own. jimin only chuckles and you hate how it makes your heart clench up in affection.
the silence is deafening. without aeri, the air thickens with tension between you and jimin, filled with nostalgia and regret. it feels just like last time— you and jimin eating breakfast together at that very same table, giggling about whatever trouble your friends got into the previous day.
“hey, about yesterday—”
“it’s fine,” you interrupt, “is your cheek okay?”
jimin swallows hard, “yes, it doesn’t hurt at all.”
“don’t lie, come here,” you instruct, “i’ve known you for so long, you can’t lie to me.”
she just laughs, showing you the slightly bruised side of her face. you feel guilt wreck you. no matter how angry you were, you shouldn’t have laid a hand on her.
“did you ice it?”
jimin shakes her head. you sigh, getting up and taking an ice pack out of the freezer. it’s too easy for you to return to past habits, moving around the kitchen like it was 2018 and jimin was the love of your life (she still is). wrapping the ice pack in a towel, you inch closer to jimin, holding it to her cheek. she winces slightly and you resist the urge to hold her hand in comfort.
“y/n…”
“hm?”
the girl seems so small now— her posture deflated, eyes barely meeting yours, biting her lip nervously. you have a feeling you know what she’s about to ask.
“are you going on that date with soyoung?” you laugh loudly, catching jimin off guard.
“jimin, her name’s somi.”
pouting, jimin turns away from you, making your hand falter. “hey, i need to ice your face.”
“i won’t let you unless you answer my question.” she’s so childish it’s adorable. the tension has gone, now filled with uncertainty instead.
“i don’t have anyone to spend the afternoon with. minjeong and yizhuo are busy today,” you explain.
“you have me,” she mutters.
ignoring her, you answer, “aeri seemed really excited for us to meet.”
“you spent all your time in the states with her, you should spend time with your friends here,” jimin retorts.
her hesitance to even admit she wants to spend time with you makes you want to tease her.
“oh? you’re right,” jimin perks up like a puppy. cute, you think. “i should text yujin if she wants to go out, remember her? she was our student council president.”
rolling her eyes, jimin swats at your hand nursing her bruise. it’s too easy for you to return to past habits, bantering with jimin like she was the only girl you’ve ever loved (she was).
it’s too easy. between the choice of going out with aeri to meet someone new and staying in with jimin. it’s such an easy choice to make.
you bring the ice pack away from her face, choosing to caress her cheek lovingly instead. she sighs, content, leaning into your touch.
“jimin,” you gulp, “i’m sorry for these past few years.”
her eyes gaze up at you, “it’s okay. i’ve come to terms with it. i honestly wasn’t expecting you to come back.”
“i wasn’t planning to either, but aeri wanted to.”
“good thing she convinced you, huh?” jimin smiles, “at least i know i was the reason for our break up.”
“it’s only a relationship if there are two people,” you say, “it was my fault too.”
her eyes momentarily flicker to your lips, it doesn’t go unnoticed by you.
“i know these years haven’t been easy on both of us, but if you’re willing to, i think i’m okay with giving us a second chance,” you confess, “even if you hurt me again, i still want you. i just want you. you’ve always been the only one in here.” you point at your heart.
jimin’s eyes shoot straight up, finally breaking into a wide smile, “seriously? even after what i said last night? i’m not complaining but like… you were pretty angry. i just wanted to know why you ghosted me and i agree, i deserved it. but why the sudden change?”
“i mean,” you shrug, “it was what you said that made me think about this. i didn’t want you to stop loving me, because i’ve never stopped loving you.”
“you love me?”
“i love you.”
“this is so crazy, you went from slapping me to…” she trails off, grasping your chin and bringing you into a kiss. her lips were so, so, soft. you wondered why you even let her go. once your lips met, you felt her sigh before smiling into your mouth. catching your breath, you run your fingers through her blonde hair.
“still going on that date with suki?”
“jimin, you know her name’s somi.”
“whatever, i love you too.”
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Things Ethan Landry would text- (Fem Friend Reader) PART 3
Warnings- mentions of smut, knifeplay, sexting, fearplay, confessions to murder.
If you guys like this, I’ll make an extended version, where I write a story in Y/n’s pov that happens after this texting story:)
The Ballad Of Terror
Y/n: hey loser
Ethan: Loser? that’s new.
Y/n: but true
Ethan: no good night text, bunny?
Y/n: ugh stop calling me that. I promise I don’t jump that weird.
Ethan: in PE class you look like a rodent
Y/n: shut up
Y/n: I want something else first before you get your good night text
Ethan: let me guess. You need homework answers?
Y/n: I don’t get anything in science. I don’t even know what a molecule is.
Ethan: luckily I’m smart.
Y/n: luckily.
Ethan: click to view
Y/n: thank u <3
Ethan: np.
Ethan: hey, how are you and David doing together?
Y/n: why?
Ethan: I’m just curious
Y/n: maybe being curious isn’t always the right thing to be
Ethan: I’m your friend who wants you to be happy.
Y/n: I am happy
Ethan: with David?
Y/n: why are you asking that like david can’t make me happy?
Ethan: because I don’t think he could
Y/n: he does.
Ethan: oh, yeah?
Y/n: yes.
Ethan: as in, present tense?
Y/n omg yes
Y/n: why do you care so much?
Ethan: you broke up with him last night.
Y/n: how did you know that?
Y/n: Ethan??
Y/n: who told you
Ethan: no one told me.
Y/n: then why the fuck do you know?
Ethan: I watched you get that text. You cried over your bedside table.
Ethan: don’t leave me on read
Ethan: cmon
Y/n: how do you know
Ethan: I watched you through the window.
Y/n: you’re my friend
Y/n: this is scaring me
Ethan: Don’t be scared. Remember when you told me that you loved the real me?
Y/n: yes.
Ethan: this is the real me.
Y/n: a stalker?
Ethan: For you,
Ethan: Yes.
Y/n: if you were watching me, what was I wearing?
Ethan: That Ivy League shirt I bought for you in 2018.
Y/n: what pants, then ??
Ethan: oh, that’s the best part.
Y/n: please
Ethan: you weren’t wearing any
Ethan: you hiked your thighs to your chest
Ethan: you were wearing black panties
Y/n: you’re a fucking creep
Ethan: don’t be like that.
Y/n: how long has this been going on?
Ethan: How long have I been in love with you?
Ethan: or watching you sleep
Ethan: ?
Y/n: i should call the police. do you stalk other girls?
Ethan: you’re the only one for me
Ethan: nobody makes me feel the way you make me feel
Ethan: All those girls meant nothing to me. They couldn’t replace you.
Y/n: what girls?
Y/n: you’re a manwhore now?
Ethan: don’t be stupid. I didn’t fuck anyone
Ethan: I killed them
Y/n: im calling the police
Ethan: I disconnected the system from your number
Ethan: you can’t call anyone for help
Y/n: what do you want from me?
Ethan: Don’t you want to know?
Ethan: Why I did it?
Y/n: no
Ethan: I want to hurt you. Is that bad?
Ethan: it just turns me on so much
Ethan: to imagine you begging for me
Ethan: begging me not to slice you open
Ethan: fuck your brains out until your screaming my name
Ethan: i want to use you
Ethan: and you and I both know you would enjoy it
Y/n: you’re ghostface
Ethan: oh
Ethan: what gave it away ?
Y/n: you piece of shit.
Ethan: I don’t think you should insult me right now
Y/n: why? you gonna kill me??
Ethan: don’t tempt me.
Y/n: but apparently I already am. I’m basically asking for a knife to my throat, aren’t I?
Y/n: to watch your cock enter me as you choke me
Y/n: god, it would turn me on so much!!!
Ethan: I don’t take sarcasm too well
Ethan: if your asking for it, I’ll give it to you.
Y/n: im blocking you
Ethan: you can’t hide
Y/n: I’ll lock my doors. Get my parents to call the cops when they come back.
Ethan: your parents aren’t home?
Ethan: That changes things.
Y/n: I locked everything
Y/n: leave me alone
Ethan: why did you assume I was outside your house?
Y/n: please leave me alone
Ethan: let’s play a game of hide and seek, y/n.
Ethan: you run
Ethan: you hide
Ethan: and we’ll see if I can catch you.
Ethan: and if I do…
Ethan: god, I love making you my victim.
Y/n: Ethan please
Ethan: 3
Ethan: 2
Ethan: 1
Ethan: time to run, bunny.
🩷
#ethan landry x oc#ethan landry x female reader#ethan landry x you#ethan landry x y/n#ethan landry smut#ethan landry x reader#ethan landry#dark smut#slasher smut#smut imagine#smut#scream smut#scream movie#scream#scream vi#stalker#slasher x y/n#slasher fucker#slasher trope#slasher x reader#slasher fanfiction#slash fanfiction#slashers#ghostface fanfiction#ghostface x y/n#ghostface x oc#ghostface x you#ghostface smut#ghostfcce#ghostface x reader
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The Obsession Is Returning
Y’all may not know, but I really like On My Block and I was thinking of the show again and I started wondering smth…
how do y’all think Oscar would react if Cesar had a friend that wasn’t afraid of him? Like, if my memory is correct, the kids were spooked when he was around. Now as the show went on the kids became more comfortable around him (besides Monse. He LAUGHED in season 3 and she fr got mad but moving on) but what if Cesar had a friend who was never scared of him, almost stupidly so, and said the most outta pocket shit.
Like, you’re ranting to him during that lockdown/lock-in/the shit that happened in season one and he’s like “I do not care” and you’re like “well you can’t go anywhere so sucks to suck I guess”. Idk, maybe it’s because I’m sleepy but that shit would be funny cause why tf did you tell that man his wardrobe is ass? Yes he has a bunch of long socks, let that shit go.
And when the Santos got all hype at that party and broke the truce? Oh gosh.
“The truce was gonna break anyway but really Oscar? Since we on the topic, who the fuck was the guy that proposed the idea. I got a lot a shit I gotta say to y’all”.
You could probably talk a bunch of shit cause what is he gonna do? SHOOT YOU? I hope not.
Y’all would have a more unhinged relationship than him and Jamal cause at least Jamal watches his mouth (somewhat) around him. Your dumbass would- “who decided the wardrobe for this gang?” “I just feel like being around bald dudes all day is weird but idk, that’s just me” “actually sit the fuck down. Or don’t. You got a gun, I don’t” “I know nothing of the streets. I behave. You don’t.” “Why do people in gangs refuse to say ‘happy birthday’? What the fuck is a ‘happy g day’?” “Aight gang - not like THAT though”.
I feel like the friendship would be gradual cause at first he’s like “why the fuck do you keep talking to me?”. Time skip and now this nigga knows your birthday. Can I say nigga on tumblr? We gon see what happens. Y’all go from “go do anything else besides talking to me” to “you ain’t text me all day. What’s up?”. This show came out in 2018. I was 13. I am 18 now. I am still in love with this man and that’s never gonna change. We ignore season 4. He never died. Y’all imagined that shit. He’s healthy and doing great.
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MAD MAX FIGHT SCENE WHEN?? I have never needed a written piece more than right now
I also reserve the right to imagine Emilia throwing a shoe at someone in this scenario. Idk why i just feel like it could happen. She is not happy about it
MAD MAX FIGHT SCENE NOW!!!
Tell me why this went four different ways before I came to this version. The alternate version took place in a club and had Emilia spraying champagne at a bunch of people but fundamentally it didn’t work as a written piece because you can’t hear what anyone’s saying in a club for shit 😂 No shoe throwing but I hope you like it anyway 😂
Me writing action scenes is like something out of that book After it’s so bad I’m sorry but I hope you got where I’m going 😂
✨set after the Monaco Grand Prix 2018✨
I don’t regret it one bit, ‘cause he had it coming
Another Monaco GP, another yacht party. You’re not even sure whose yacht it is but you don’t care. During GP weekend, drivers can pretty much walk onto whatever boat they want. You, Max, Clara, and Laurent had wandered onto the biggest boat with people having a party and set about forgetting Max’s nightmare weekend. The party is chaotic, you’re not sure how long whoever is in charge of the marina will let the noise and overcrowding go on, but you’re enjoying the high, four shots down with Max on the upper deck, lazily moving to the music emanating from the DJ playing his set downstairs.
“Where’s Laurent?” Max asks, practically shouting in your ear. He’s tipsy, which he deserves to be, his arm slung over your shoulder as he looks around, jerking your body as he turns. He’s out way too late, you can tell by how his t-shirt is clinging to him, and the fluffy top of his hair has completely broken free of the gel hold. He looks positively feral. You don’t hate it.
“I don’t know,” you shrug, pushing up onto your tiptoes so you don’t have to shout. “Probably fucking Clara in a bathroom somewhere,”
Max chuckles at that, taking a sip of his Red Bull. He offers it to you but you shake your head.
“I thought you were supposed to be supporting me,” he jokes as you avoid the can.
“Not by rotting my insides,” you tell him, squirming in his hold as he bops to the Dua Lipa remix he’ll pretend he’s never heard before. He manoeuvres you in front of him as if you don’t even have feet, wrapping his arm around your stomach so that you’re still trapped, but comfortable.
“Je bent niet leuk, schatje,” he says into your ear. The air on your neck makes you shiver against him, and he must think you’re cold because he holds you tighter.
“I don’t know what you’re saying,” you tell him, which makes him smirk. “And I’m not your baby,”
“Ja, maar-“
“Max!”
You twist in Max’s hold when a guy you don’t recognise appears from somewhere in the crowd. Max lets go of you to greet him, and without being entirely engulfed by 80kgs of Red Bull and audacity, you realise you’re parched. You tell Max you’ll be right back and scoot out of reach before he can say anything. You creep through the crowd and then downstairs to where the drinks are without twisting your ankle, which, given how drunk you felt back upstairs, sort of surprises you.
There’s several ice buckets lining the edge of the deck and you peruse the options. You’ve certainly had enough to drink but one more vodka couldn’t hurt. You glance over at the cans of Red Bull and make a note to take one with you as you pick a glass off the table.
“Do you come with the bottles?”
Well, that’s a choice of opening line, talking to a girl like she’s a phone charm.
You turn to see what, not whom, actually felt comfortable saying that out loud and there he was. The epitome of a guy who would say that. He’s older than you, maybe mid to late 20s, all tan and tight jeans, dark hair cut in a fade, gold watch that could be seen from space and those Louboutin loafers. His cologne smells like Dubai.
You look him up and down very slowly and deliberately. “Not if you’re buying them,” you say, turning back to the ice bucket.
“Aw, come on, don’t be like that,” his voice is closer now, almost in your ear. You turn only slightly and find his face already next to yours. ”Come have a drink over here,” he nods over to a seating area where a few guys sit with girls that look too young to be there.
You know the type - down on a girls trip for the weekend with only party outfits in their bags, they’d likely hung around the marina until the pack of jackals had brought them here to ply them with alcohol they didn’t have to pay for. You’re half offended that this guy thought you’d be anywhere near that easy.
“I’ve got enough, thanks.” You say, firmer this time, as you give up on the vodka and just grab one of the many bottles of champagne in the ice bucket. When you turn to leave, you practically collide with the hunk of meat now towering over you.
“Who do I have to speak to to get you to come have a drink with me?” He asks, as if that’s meant to be sexy.
You roll your eyes. “Your hairdresser.”
“Come on, just one drink. I’ll make it worth your while,” he says, his eyes glancing down. You follow his gaze, already steeling yourself for some vulgar gesture, but he pulls out the edge of his wallet from his jeans.
You roll your eyes again. “I’m not pay for play. Now leave me alone.”
You step around him this time, starting to make your way back towards the stairs when this experiment in protein shake consumption blocks your way. You almost trip trying not to crash into him, not that he would have minded if the way he leans into you Is any indication.
“Look, I’m not some nobody, baby, I’ve got real fucking money. I’m what all you pretty girls come out here in your skimpy dresses for,” he says, the noxious smell of chemicals and tequila almost making your eyes water. What makes you feel sick is the way he uses his height advantage to look down your dress. “So have a drink with me. It’ll be fun, I promise,”
Only now does he employ an actual smile, the kind that you’d never want to be in a room alone with. Suddenly, you don’t feel like making any more jokes, you just want to get as far away from this guy as possible. Turning on your heels, you figure you’ll double back around the deck, but a hand tight on your wrist stops you in your tracks.
“Don’t walk away from me,” the words are growled, and you feel your pulse spike. Now you’re scared, but showing it will get you nowhere.
“Get off me,” you snap, trying to shake the giant cretin off you without causing a scene. He doesn’t let go and you’re just about to bottle him over the head when you hear Max’s voice.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
Max strides towards you, looking as angry as you’ve ever seen him. He must have been watching from up by the railings of the top deck.
“Oh, here we go,” the guy grumbles, rolling his eyes as he looks at Max. You take the opportunity to wrench your arm free of him. “Don’t worry, bro. You can have her back when I’m finished with her,”
“You arrogant piece of shit,” you snarl at the guy, almost taking a step towards him before thinking better of it.
“Watch your mouth,” he snaps back, pointing a finger at you. “Your ass isn’t that nice,”
“The fuck did you just say?” Max yells over the music. He guides you behind him effortlessly and you don’t argue, though you do keep hold of his arm.
“You heard me, you prick,” the douchebag says, flashing Max a cocky grin. That won’t go down well.
You pull on Max’s arm. You can tell from the set of his shoulders that this is getting out of hand.
“Max, leave it,” you tell him, pulling him again, and this time he listens, sighing and shaking his head. He knows he has to let it go.
“Jesus,” the arrogant pig sneers, and you cringe. “Has this bitch got a magic pussy or something?”
You don’t even have a chance against Max’s reaction speed. He’s moving before your eyes can even follow, shoving the guy backwards so quickly that the drunkard stumbles slightly, but not as much as you thought he would.
“Shut the fuck up,” Max growls at him.
Dickhead doesn’t take this well, shoving Max back. You’re too scared to get in the middle now. People are starting to stare, a couple of them even have their phones out.
“Max,” it’s more of a plea than anything. “Stop it,”
You know Max isn’t going to just drop it. He doesn’t know how to walk away from a fight, it’s just that normally his fighting involves being protected by a ton of carbon fibre, not that he thinks he needs it.
“You don’t want to mess with me, man,” the guy shouts, looking over Max’s shoulder to glare at you. “Certainly not over some dirty yacht slut,”
Once again, you’re no match for Max’s reaction speed. You don’t see his arm move. You’re barely able to process his fist connecting with the guy’s face. You just see Dickhead fly backwards clutching his jaw as he tumbles to the ground.
“Max!” You scream, but this time he totally ignores you.
“Fucking pussy,” he yells, at the same volume but now that the music has been turned down so that everyone can pay attention to the spectacle, it feels like the whole marina can hear him.
He steps towards the disoriented drunkard on the floor and this time you manage to catch up with him, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him backwards.
“Max, come on,”
He’s fighting it a little, and you press your nails into his skin as you fight harder, dragging him away from where Douchebag’s friends have swarmed around him trying to help. You know they’re looking in your direction but you ignore them and you’re hoping Max does, too.
He turns to look at you and it’s like barely recognises you, his face is flushed and his pupils are dilated and you don’t entirely recognise him either. It knocks the wind out of you, and for just a second you swear everything stops, even your heartbeat.
“You’re okay?” Max asks you, through frenzied breathing.
Your mouth is dry but you speak anyway. “I’m fine.” You don’t know if you’re lying. “Let’s just go,”
You don’t give him time to argue, and it seems he’s calmed down enough to realise now is a good time to cut your losses, because he follows you without complaint.
You don’t let go of him until you’re on the concrete pathway up towards the stairs that have street access. More accurately, that’s when you become aware that you’re still holding onto him. When two toasted revellers try to walk between you but can’t, and shout something at you in Spanish for walking too slow. You let go of Max but he still doesn’t say anything. You keep stealing glances at him as you walk. His shoulders are still tight, his jaw is clenched. His hands are clenched into fists at his side. He still looks livid. That’s why you’re nervous, that’s why you can’t catch your breath, that’s why it’s hard to look away from him. You’re worried about him.
“Well, that was stupid,” you say with a sigh, once you’re sure your words won’t come out as some kind of breathy invocation of a worse kind of chaos than anything you’ve already been involved in tonight.
“That guy was stupid,” Max shoots back, grinding his teeth.
“You could have got hurt, Max,” you tell him, shoving him in the arm. He rolls his eyes. Of course. When taking your own life in your hands is what you get paid for there’s not much you can afford to be scared of. “What would have happened if you’d broke your hand? Your dad would actually kill me,”
“My dad would have done the same thing I did,” Max counters, and you can tell by the several expressions that cross his face in quick succession that he doesn’t quite know how to feel about that.
“Your dad is an idiot,” you remind him. He doesn’t argue. “And so are you,”
He scoffs. “So I was just supposed to let him talk to you like that? Touch you like that?” It’s not really a question, more a general statement of unadulterated disgust and you can’t really blame him. “Fuck that. I’m not going to just-“
He cuts himself off, his jaw ticking again. Neither of you have ever spoken about it, but you know men behaving like sentient sewage is a sore subject for both of you. Maybe, you think, you shouldn’t make him feel bad for standing up for you. You’d never needed anyone to stand up for you, and you still didn’t, but the fact that Max always did means more to you than you know how to articulate.
You lean over and kiss him on the cheek, catching more of the corner of his mouth than you intended, but he doesn’t say anything. He just stops walking and looks at you, the left side of his lips twitching.
“You kiss idiots?” Max asks, tongue darting out to lick at his bottom lip.
“Exclusively,” you shrug, “judging by my dating history,”
That makes him laugh, a proper one, with that bark he does when he’s surprised how funny he finds something. All traces of the menace from the boat filter out of his body, and something in the back of your head tells you it was just in time.
“Hey,” a loud, obnoxious, and lovable voice rings out behind you. You turn around and see Laurent walking towards you with a well satisfied Clara on his back, holding a large bottle of pilfered champagne. “Where the fuck have you two been?”
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one day x lando norris pt 3
this is a part of my series following one day of every summer from 2016 onwards in y/n’s and landos lives, exploring their friendship and love for one another. ofc not a smooth ride with some angst and fights along the way. a friends to lovers, growing up together kind of thing. read first part here
pairing: lando norris x fem!reader
summary of this part: y/n having a hard time adjusting to life at uni so she turns to her friend lando for comfort
warnings: none? a little sad
wc: 1,1k
a/n: sorry it has been a while since posting, i've been finishing my masters thesis and processing lando's first win!!! yayyy :) BUT i'm going to upload more frequently now x
late summer of 2018
y/n was on the verge of tears, breathing heavily to calm herself as the outgoing facetime call echoed in her university dorm room. she was sat on the floor of the dark room with her back uncomfortably leaning against her bed.
”please, please, pleease lando pick up” she whispered desperately, praying that he wasn’t too busy preparing for another upcoming f2 weekend. seconds felt like minutes when the only person she wanted to talk to didn’t pick up his phone. y/n sighed and was about to end the call when the deafening silence suddenly was cut with a loud and excited ”hellooo my smart girl!!”. in about two nanoseconds y/n could see that lando was at the gym training with jon, immediately regretting that she called.
”oh i’m sorry i can call you later” y/n said trying to sound as happy as she could in the state that she was in. but lando knew her from inside and out so her act wasn’t very convincing.
”hey y/n, what’s going on? are you okay?” lando said after processing the sight.
”yeah no it’s nothing.. i can call you when you’re done training” y/n said as she faked another smile.
”y/n seriously you have a nice smile but you can’t convince anyone with that, i can see from miles away that something’s wrong. and however i’m done with training so i’m all yours” lando said with a concerned voice as he walked over to a private part of the gym.
”thanks lan.. I, I just-” y/n whispered, looking away from the boy up to the ceiling to prevent any tears from developing. ”I just don’t fit in here lan.. it’s not at all what i thought it would be”
”oh darling.. i’m sorry to hear that”
”i just don’t know what to do, i haven’t even got any friends lando! how pathetic is that?? i’m surrounded with geeks and people with zero social skills who all have found friends but not me? ugh i just hate this place, i hate all these people..”
the girl in his phone who had tried her best to keep it together bursted out into tears. ”you know how much i wanted this! i’ve always imagined that the university would be my thing, where i would find my place and blossom. but tell me how can i do that when all i manage to do is sit alone in classes, sit alone and eat and then go to my dorm to - surprise - sit alone on my bed being depressed.”
”i’m so sorry y/n..”
”…AND as the icing of the cake, not a single on of my friends are even close to fucking edinburgh - couldn’t somebody have prevented me from coming here? why didn’t i just stay in london where everybody else is? nooo, i just had to be special.” y/n sobbed as tears streamed down her face.
”i ju-, just miss everyone so much lando. i miss my friends. i miss my family. i miss you. i miss you for not being five minutes from my home. i miss our drives and talks and laughs lando. it feels like i haven’t seen you in forever”
”i know y/n i miss you too, it has been too long since i saw you in any other place than my phone”
y/n wiped away her tears ”yeah.. i’m sorry i know you’re busy with everything in f2, i don’t mean to blame you for this.. i just miss your stupid hugs so damn much sometimes” she said as a small smile cracked upon her lips.
”heey i didn’t know my hugs were that badly ranked” lando giggled receiving a laugh from y/n too.
”and y/n?”
”hm?”
”why haven’t you told me that edinburgh is in a different timezone than london?” he asked.
”what? it isn’t? who tricked you into that?” y/n answered confused.
lando laughed, ”y/n look around you, it’s so pitch black in that room i can barely see you! the only thing my screen is picking up is your bleached teeth”
”lol lando it’s called depression” y/n laughed ”i’m always in depression-timezone, always hauntingly black surroundings, nothing for cheerful and life-enjoying boys like you” she joked.
”no, no, no let’s not go back to you being sad again, i just managed to make you happy again!!” lando proclaimed.
”whoops sorry” she smiled ”no but seriously thank you lando, i really needed this. someone to vent to. but now i really have to go, i’m getting late to my class, even though i’m pretty sure no one’s missing me”
”stop it y/n, you’re missed, if not by your lame classmates then by me and all your friends and family”
”thanks lando, that’s very sweet of you. bye now” y/n smiled, this time genuinely.
”bye darling”
—
hours later that night y/n was, like every other night, sat on her bed watching friends for the millionth time. her newly made tea was way too hot to drink so she put the mug on her bedside table. as she was on her way to snuggle back under her sheets watching her series she heard a knock from her door. y/n froze. without moving too much and making any noise she looked at the clock on her wrist. 23:38. after watching way too many documentaries she automatically drew the conclusion that it with most certainty was a killer of some sort. with this in mind she quietly picked up the nearest item to defend herself with, a hot cup of tea.
it knocked on the door again. but it wouldn’t be possible for anyone to enter the building without anybody noticing, right? y/n calmed down a little bit, taking her phone with her to be able to call for help if it was needed. slowly she walked to her door and opened it. the sight in front of her was beyond what she had imagined. it was lando. there he was standing in her corridor in the middle of the night with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and 12-pack of pepsi max in the other. the sight made her revisit the memory of them meeting two years ago when he, with the same smirk on his face and a similar bouquet of flowers in his hand, won a bet against her leading to their first kiss. y/n smiled when she noticed the pepsi in his other hand, as he since that day in 2016 always provided her with the drink as some sort of consolation prize for the lost bet.
”i heard you were in need of a stupid hug” lando smiled
—
taglist
@amberpanda99 @phantomxoxo @landossainz @chezmardybum @lan4cha16
#lando x reader#f1 x reader#f1#f1 fanfic#f1 fic#f1 x you#f1 imagine#lando norris x reader#lando norris#lando fic#lando norris x you#lando fluff#lando x you#lando x y/n#lando norris x y/n#lando norris imagine#lando norris fanfic#lando norris fluff#lando norris fic#f1 fluff#ln4 fic#ln4#ln4 x reader#ln4 imagine#ln4 fluff#one day#formula one
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Angel?
Pairing: Pedro Pascal x Actress!reader
Summary: GQ Germany with PEDRO PASCAL aka him fawning over Y/n over a single this or that.
Date: September 2020
Warnings: none
A/N: I love love love this interview, his voice, his hair, the vibes, HIS SMILE!!! Everything, alsoooooooo probably the last one for 2020 for now next one may be a throwback or we’ll move on to ’21 (most probably). SO everyone, happy reading and tell me what you think!! Love lots x
“Hi, I’m Pedro Pascal I’m here at GQ Germany Cover shoot.” Pedro’s seen sitting in a chair in the set of GQ Germany for this month’s issue. The team decided to get him in to join a quick get-to-know-him-better game, an upgraded version of This or That.
Swimming trunks vs beach shorts
Sucking in a breath when the staff shows him two pictures, ”I would have to go with shorts, because of what I could pull off at my age. Despite the continuous disagreement from someone.” He smiles.
Sweater vs hoodie
“Hmm I love a sweater though but I really love a hoodie.” Biting his lip, Pedro asks.
“Can any of these be ties?… Really?!”
“Oh, it has to be absolute. Hmm, this is something me and my girlfriend often debate on, ‘cause she steals most of my tops which makes me buy more but then when I do buy hoodies she tells me to buy sweaters. But since this is my interview hmm…Well alright, hoodie it is. Either way, we take turns using it.” With a very satisfied tone, he explains his side looking at a camera with a small fond smile.
Oberyn Martell vs Din Djarin
Shocked by what he’s been shown, Pedro can only laugh as he responds, “Wow, that is a really hard decision to make.”
“Umm, the armour didn’t work so well for me at the end of Game of Thrones, but it looked amazing,” taking in a breath as the gears in his head takes in the pros and cons of each suit and character.
“That being said the armour in The Mandalorian looks very very good and I'm still alive. So I guess I would have to- you know I can’t I just can’t I cannot betray Oberyn and choose The Mandalorian. But umm let’s just leave it at that being an impossible decision.”
Smart vs traditional watch
“Traditional watch, people who use smart watches are people who can’t tell or read the time. And by people I mean…” Pedro turns to look at the camera and gives it or soon the viewers a knowing look, in hopes that they know what he meant by that.
Fedora vs baseball cap
“Those are my hats!…Oh wow”
“Well clearly since you have a picture of a fedora that belongs to me and a baseball hat that belongs to me… I favour both” he elaborates while raising his hands in a somewhat joking accusatory way to the staff who has asked him to pick one between his favourites. To him, it’s like asking him to pick between things or people he adores.
“I cannot and you cannot make me decide between a fedora and a baseball cap. I love them both equally”
Facial hair or clean shaven
“What? Are you making me choose between clean-shaven or facial hair?”
“They’re currently showing me two pictures of myself.” He stops for a moment, making his sort of thinking face as he thinks back to 10 or so years ago.
“One that is maybe… 10 years ago, where clean-shaven may have worked.
"Umm, I'm gonna have to go with the very strange patchy facial hair that I am capable of growing on my face.”
Contacts vs glasses
Answering immediately, “Glasses.. what a ridiculous question.” He shakes his head as if telling them the obvious as well as the light tone of his voice.
“Glasses, sticking my own fingers into my eyes? I have yet to cross that threshold.”He continues to shake his head as he explains why he’d chosen it.
Y/n’s sheer 2018 met gala dress or her 2019 white oscars dress
Pedro’s entire face lit up as soon as the staff showed him the choices. “Ohh bot- this is a hard one…I love both of them, and it looks incredible on her,” he emphasizes, adorably staring at the pictures.
Sitting still while continuing to admire his love, “Ahhh would you look at that..."
"She’s beautiful don’t you agree?” Pedro straight away smiles as soon as the staff behind the camera agrees with him.
“The first one makes her look like this mermaid or angel- you know like a fallen angel, just for me, and the other is very- something she would dress herself in with how simple yet elegant it looks. So I would have to go with her Oscars look.”
A voice off cam tells him something that had caught his attention, making his expression turn into shock and amusement, “It’s a wedding dress?! Really?! She wore a wedding dress to the Oscars… hmm” slowly ruffling his hair he sits back after getting a closer look at the picture.
Leather or bomber jacket
“Wow, leather jacket. I have and I think I always will love a leather jacket.” Explaining this with a small smirk that had him explaining his thoughts right after.
“Y/n has bought us a matching pair of these incredible vintage leather jackets and-so basically it’s something that I will never ever lose my interest in.”
Coffee or tea
Nodding his head, he looks straight to the camera, “Coffee. Coffee all the way.”
Raising his hands up similar to a surrendering position to defend himself, he chuckles before continuing, “It’s not that I don’t like tea but then again coffee is what keeps me up and going other than y/n… who is by the way is also a coffee addict.”
Clasping his hands together, he finalizes, “Coffee, 100%”
"Thank you for watching and click here to subscribe to GQ Germany!"
the dress for reference:
A/n: so I wrongly timed the post of this one, instead of it being posted yesterday at noon it was set to 12 am today haha, never gonna do that again. Anyways if you're reading this thank you and have a nice day ahead of you!!!
Taglist: @benonlinear @t-stark35 @heyitsme-2 @elleeeee21 @holmesstrange @tagakalat @flyestvenustrap @oldermenaremyreligion @cherryred444 @hobiismyhopeu @ilovehotdadsandshit @djarinsstuff @guacala @avengersheart @pukka-latte @lilvampirina @mmkkzz
#pedro pascal#pedro pascal imagine#pedro pascal fluff#pedro pascal fanfiction#pedro pascal x actress!reader#pedro pascal x female reader#pedro pascal x you#pedro pascal x reader#pedro pascal x y/n#pedro pascal fanfic#pedro pascal fic
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IT WILL BE OKAY - YOON JEONGHAN
word count: 2.6k…
pairing: jeonghan x gn!reader
synopsis: your boyfriend (yes, the one and only, yoon jeonghan) is being stubborn and refusing to admit that he's sick
genre/s: fluff, non-idol!au, bf!jeonghan, established relationship, domestic
warnings: slightly suggestive, but it's all just teasing.
rating: pg-13
a/n: i recently ate some chicken dumpling soup from one of my favorite restaurants and it had me thinking about how svt would act when they're sick. okay, when i say svt i mean jeonghan. anywho, i hope y'all enjoy this fluff! titled after it will be okay by yun ddan ddan (i had no idea jeonghan recommended some of his songs? he has taste! also this ep brought me back to 2018) thank you a bunch to @toikiii for being a beta reader for this fic!
The lights were on when you entered your apartment, which surprised you since you thought he would already be sleeping. You placed the food you picked up on the kitchen counter next to the stove and swiftly headed to the bedroom. Jeonghan was sitting on his favorite chair, preoccupied by his phone. You could tell he was listening to music by the way his body subtly swayed to the rhythm of the song.
“What are you doing?” You asked only to be met with no response. He was evidently absorbed in the music and couldn’t hear you. Noise-cancelling headphones are a blessing and a curse, you thought to yourself before tapping his shoulder to alert him of your arrival back home.
“Y/N, my baby’s back!” He takes off his headphones at lightning speed and goes in to give you a kiss, a greeting that has become normalized between you two. You put up your hand to stop him in his tracks resulting in your boyfriend having a quizzical look on his face.
He pouts, “Why are you depriving me of our daily greeting?”
“Your fault for being on your phone,” You reason curtly.
Jeonghan’s bewilderment with your mood only grew bigger because you just got home. He couldn’t figure out why you were upset with him. Nevertheless, he resumes his usual chatter after work and shows off his new AirPods Max that Seungcheol gifted him.
“Seungcheol had these shipped to the apartment and they came a couple hours ago, he said it was a gift since he lost the game that we bet on last time we went to CHEERS Pub,” He chattingly tells you, happy to see you after a long day.
You belatedly notice the new condition of the headphones resting on his shoulders. Creating a mental note to send an angry lengthy text to Jeonghan’s friend for gifting it while your boyfriend was sick. He did need new headphones though, his last ones only had one ear that worked properly.
“You mean the bet you cheated on?” You grin, used to his dirty shenanigans when hanging with his friends.
“Shh, all Seungcheol thinks is that the bar’s cue sticks were faulty,” He shushes you, making you both recall the chaotic night of pool that took place. There was never a dull moment with Yoon Jeonghan as your boyfriend.
You realize that he still doesn’t know that your neighbor Joshua texted you earlier. Joshua informed you that he heard some coughs through his wall that sounded painful. Without Joshua’s text, you probably wouldn’t have known about Jeonghan’s sickness until he had already recovered. Unlike popular belief, Jeonghan typically doesn’t like getting attention when he’s feeling unwell. Well, he likes getting doted on by anyone but you. He feels it’s a huge inconvenience for you, since he knows that most of the time you’re stressed out about work. You’ve tried to change his ways by telling him you’re his partner and it hurts you to not know he’s ill. Yet, each time he’s been ill he’s managed to hide it from you. This time though, now that you’re aware, you can’t sit and do nothing. You won’t.
You bought rice porridge from his favorite restaurant and although he usually ordered cheonggukjang, the rice porridge was definitely more fitting for his current state. He smelled the heavenly fragrance coming from the kitchen and stopped talking about his headphones to investigate. He strolled over leisurely with you close behind him.
“What's this?” He wonders audibly while opening the bag and becomes confused while looking at the food in front of him. What occasion calls for rice porridge?
His confusion turns into worry, “Is my baby sick?”
He darted over to where you were on the opposite side of the counter and put his hand on your forehead to check your temperature. Yet again, he’s left feeling immense confusion since you feel fine.
“Cut the act, Yoon Jeonghan.” You groan, attempting to also feel his forehead with your hand but he dodged your touch before you could do so.
He knows you mean business, since you brought out his full name. Still, he didn’t want to cave in and think that you had somehow sensed he was ill.
“What act my dearest Y/N?” He feigns ignorance with a smile, trying to preserve his artificial naivety to the situation. Your eyes were fixed on something behind him, causing him to sharply snap his head back. Not noticing right away, he shrugs at you so you simply point at the trash can by the sofa full of used tissue.
“Do normal people use that much tissue in one day, Yoon Jeonghan?” You rhetorically ask, feeling successful in collecting evidence of his illness.
He scurries to hide the tissue but realizes it’s too late. Every attempt to get back to his relaxed composure are failures. Nonetheless, he moves the trash can behind the sofa’s arm to hide it in hopes that you wouldn’t bring it up again.
You clap your hands victoriously “Ha, I got you!”
Well technically Joshua did, but seeing Jeonghan flustered was a rare occurrence so you wanted to take the credit and remember it. You also needed to thank Joshua for his helpful intel, but that was for another day. Turning serious again you returned to the food and started pouring the porridge out into a pot. You knew that he liked his food hot, but having piping hot food wasn’t the best idea when he’s as sick as he is. Still, lukewarm porridge quickly becoming cold porridge was definitely not what you wanted to give him. Warming it up on the stovetop, you were clueless to his presence behind you.
Jeonghan was lurking behind you and checking your process by looking over your shoulders silently. He knew that you tended to tune out the rest of the world when you were focused on something else. Your intense concentration skills are something that he loved about you.
Today you were more attentive since he was sick and you quickly noticed him behind you. Also, trying to breathe behind someone silently when you have a congested nose is impossible. No matter how hard he tried to be quiet, his labored breathing could be heard, especially given the close proximity he was behind you. Turning around, you frown at him while lightly caressing his cheek with your free hand.
“Sit down on the couch, please. No phones, no headphones,” You requested, surprising both of you since he was usually the assertive one between the two of you.
So that's why you were grouchy about me being on my phone, he thought to himself. “Is that what my baby was brooding about, hm?” He sang out to you, walking to the couch in compliance.
“But Y/N, I swear I’m not sick-” He tried to deny his sickness, mainly because he doesn’t want to worry you. Secretly, the smallest part of him also really wants to listen to music with his newly gifted headphones, but luck wasn’t on his side.
He breaks out into a coughing fit before he can even finish his sentence. Defeatedly taking a seat on the couch, he extends his arm out for the tissue box on the coffee table next to him.
The burner on the stove was turned low to simmer anyways so you filled up a glass of water and rushed over to the couch, concerned for Jeonghan.
“Hannie, it will be okay but please rest and let me take care of you.”
“But I’m fine, really.” He bluffs. He tries to return to his music, giving you a weak smile to reassure you but you softly take his headphones off his ears and sit down on the couch next to him.
“If you don’t use these or your phone until you get better I’ll buy you whatever legos you want,” You promise, hoping that would be the final motivator to discourage his music listening for the night.
His face changes completely, brightening up at your words. That’s an offer he would gladly accept. Seeing you so close to him for the first time tonight, Jeonghan’s able to see your disheveled hair and forehead with a few beads of sweat slowly rolling down your face. His face does a complete reverse from the brightened appearance it had with the mention of the legos, darkening enough to make one think you broke his pet rock. Did you run home?
“You were really concerned about me, huh?” He holds your hand in both of his, suddenly feeling extremely guilty for not listening to your requests earlier.
“Of course I was. I got a text from our neighbor that you were coughing and then you weren’t replying to my text messages. My supervisor made me work overtime so I couldn’t even rush home early to you,” you spill out, tears now falling off your face, mixing with the sweat droplets.
“You texted me?” Now it’s his turn to be concerned as he pulls out his phone one last time, checking his messages and seeing no recent ones from you. He scrolls hurriedly, turning his phone to show you. Although he figured it’s his phone’s fault for not delivering your messages he only feels more sorry, hugging you with one arm and wiping your tears with his other hand.
You opened your own messages, only to see that none of the messages ever sent.
“I hate my work’s wifi so much,” you sigh, still embraced by Jeonghan on the couch. He consoles you a bit more as your breathing returns to normal. You stay like this for a while more before remembering the porridge was still on the stove, “It must be boiling hot!”
Jogging back over to the kitchen, you taste a spoonful of the porridge and are relieved at its mild temperature. The simmer function has to be one of the best inventions. You pour it into a bowl that you made for Jeonghan on one of your first dates. His mug ended up wildly deformed and became large enough to function as a vase. But, you never knew ceramics could be so much fun. Jeonghan was always the one planning your dates and he always found nice activities to do. He was a large part in the fun factor of your pottery memories, the reason that your apartment was crowded with your amateur creations.
“Baby, do you want to try this?” You inquired, stopping your reminiscing.
He comes over to the island in your kitchen and takes a seat on the stool, eating a spoonful of it.
“You got it from my favorite restaurant didnt you?” He fondly looks up at you while enjoying another spoonful of the porridge.
“Mhm,” You hum, grabbing your order out of the plastic bag. You reached in the sink for a bowl that you could’ve sworn was still dirty, only to see the sink was empty. You were going to do the dishes once you finished work, which means the empty sink could only be attributed to Jeonghan. He did the dishes before you came back even though it was your turn, and in a sick condition at that. You leaned over the sink and gently grabbed his head to give him a kiss on the forehead. He was still holding his bowl of porridge and stayed quiet for a while, unsure but grateful towards what he did to warrant your affection.
Thirty minutes later, Jeonghan and you were both finished with your dinners and feeling full. You were playing with his hair as you both rested on the sofa, sitting and enjoying the quiet. Still have plenty of time to aid him back to health, you thought while glancing at your work bag. You were glad you stopped at the convenience store on the way home practically buying everything known to man to make him feel better. Cold medicine? Check. Calming tea? Check. Fuzzy socks? Check. You could tell he was getting sleepy since his body heat was warming you up as well, nearly making you fall asleep.
“Jeonghan, can you move over slightly so I can get up real quick?” You whispered, careful to not disturb his relaxed body next to you. He silently obliged, immediately flopping onto your empty space to cling onto any of the lingering warmth your spot might have.
You walked to your work bag which you left in the bedroom, grabbing a cooling patch since you could tell he still needed to break his fever. Holding it behind your back with both hands, you sauntered over to the couch.
“What are you doing?” Jeonghan nervously asks while getting up from his lying position. He was used to that mischievous smile on your face. It was a smile that rivaled his own scheming one, an aspect that initially attracted him to you. But now, he knew better than to view that smile as charming.
“Just making sure you get your daily greeting, even if it’s delayed,” You reply, watching him stand up from the couch.
“But you’re going to get sick,” Jeonghan stumbles on his words, trying to hide how flustered he was. Still, you were walking over to him with a stare that left him breathless. Your greeting was typically just a quick peck, what were you planning to do to him?
Your smirk only grew wider as you saw his flustered expression, well-aware that he didn’t know what was behind your back. Soon enough, you were face-to-face with Yoon Jeonghan as he waited for what seemed like an eternity. You took one hand off your grip of the cooling patch, using it to push his chest. He was caught off guard so he fell backwards onto the couch. He gulped at your actions, still not understanding what was happening. You wanted to be face-to-face with him, so you placed one of your knees in between his legs and bent down to reach his eye level.
“Y/N, seriously what’s gotten into you tonight?” He giggled, loving every second of it.
“Nothing,” You replied, leaning even farther, enough for him to close his eyes. He was expectant and you knew he would immediately sulk.
His eyes reopened to reveal a blank stare looking back at you. You backed away from the sofa, content with your placement of the cooling patch. He slowly touched his forehead to be met with the cold sensation from the patch and his blank stare became a sullen look.
“Why am I getting no kisses today? Don't you know you shouldn't tease a sick person?” He complained, making your predictions correct.
You shrugged at your boyfriend, “In my defense, I did give you a forehead kiss during dinner. Like you said, if I kissed you for real we would both get sick. We need to have at least one breadwinner to pay the bills, right?”
He whined, “But, I’m going to work tomorrow too!”
“Like hell you are, I already called in for you,” You refused, finding your place on the sofa next to him again.
“The sooner you feel better, the sooner I’ll buy you those legos…” You trail off with your reminder, extending a hand out for him to get up. If he was going to fall asleep the bed would be a hundred times more comfortable than the sofa, and it was getting late.
"You should be tucked in, but not too much that you can't break your fever," You explain, helping Jeonghan into bed as you headed to the bathroom to change into pajamas.
“Thanks for taking care of me, Y/N. I won’t hide it anymore when I’m sick,” Jeonghan promised you, making you grin at his stubbornness crumbling away. You couldn't see him, but you could tell he was blushing by the timidness in his tone.
“See, being cared for isn’t that bad, is it?” You point out, crawling into bed next to him.
“Not when it’s you,” He mumbled with a soft smile, drifting off to sleep.
#caratwritersclub#kpopccc#k-vanity#jeonghan#yoon jeonghan#jeonghan x reader#jeonghan scenarios#seventeen#svt#yoon jeonghan x reader#svt x reader#seventeen x reader#seventeen fanfic#svt fluff#jeonghan fluff#jeonghan oneshot#kmgkmgoriginal
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AUGUST PT 2 — QUINN HUGHES
quinn hughes x fem!reader
THIS IS A VERY LATE PART 2 TO THIS FIC
summary: in which y/n has been in love with Quinn for years and now she deals with the emotional consequences of a summer situationship.
specific lyrics: “you weren't mine to lose.” and “i can see us lost in the memory, august slipped away into a moment in time. 'cause it was never mine. and i can see us twisted in bedsheets, august sipped away like a bottle of wine. 'cause you were never mine.”
warnings: underage drinking
notes: this is almost five months late…. better late than never, right? ummm….. i hope y’all enjoy 🫣
**SEPTEMBER 21ST 2018**
the last week of this summer passed by in a blur. my final seven days being spent with Jack and his friends, and my nights being taken by his brother. i never did confess my feelings to Quinn, and as a result, i now sit back in my bedroom at home, watching snapchat stories of him at a party. my focus zeroes in solely on the girl clinging to his arm in the most recent picture. he wears a smile on his face and in the hand not occupied by the girl, he holds a generic red solo cup.
i have no right to feel jealous. to be so upset. he was never actually mine, no matter how much i wanted him to be. we were never exclusive. our rendezvous last month were just good times for him, and i knew that. so why did it still hurt? why did it still feel like my heart was broken?
i suppose i could chalk it up to the fact that he never clarified anything. he never outright admitted that our escapades meant nothing to him, but he also never said they meant anything either. however, they meant everything to me. they gave me hope that maybe he felt the same feeling that i’ve harbored for four years. but then he left with a simple ‘goodbye’.
i foolishly hoped that he would call me when he got back to school, that maybe he was just too nervous to say anything to my face, but now it’s 3 weeks later and the only Hughes’ i’ve heard from are his brothers. Jack texting me random updates of his life every day, and Luke and i speaking on the phone when i wished him a happy birthday earlier this month.
and i can’t make the excuse of ‘he’s busy.’ because i see him on social media, partying after wins and hanging out with friends between classes. he surely has enough free time to call me or even send a simple text. but, i suppose he doesn’t care to contact me because it never meant anything to him; and i guess he assumed it wasn’t anything to me either.
**NOVEMBER 16TH, 2018**
a glass of wine secured in my hand, i’m sat on the couch, scrolling through social media. my parents went out for a date night, leaving me with a house to myself for the night, and i’ve taken advantage by cracking open a bottle of wine and actually leaving my room. it wasn’t much, but i was relaxed. my thumb swipes over my phone screen, scrolling down my instagram timeline, and i stop at a picture of Quinn.
His arm is around a blonde girl’s shoulders as she hugs his waist, a small smile gracing his lips while she wears a large, toothy grin. it’s been months since i’ve last spoken with him, yet it doesn’t make it sting any less to see him with another girl. tears well in my eyes at the remembrance of his easy dismissal of me. the way that he left at the end of the summer with nothing more than a ‘bye.’
maybe it’s the adrenaline pumping through my veins, maybe the fact that i’m over feeling worthless over a guy, or maybe it’s the nearly entire bottle of wine that’s flushing through me right now; but i’ve finally had enough. swiping out of instagram, i scroll through my contacts until i find the one i’m searching for, my thumb hovering close over the call button but too hesitant to actually press it.
“this is stupid.” i mutter to myself, hanging my head. it’s in that moment that my dog decides to come over, sniffing me and nudging at the back of my phone, resulting in the tapping of the button. “shit!”
it’s too late now, the damage is done. he’ll get notified that i called him, regardless of if i were to hang up right now anyways, so i bring the phone up to my ear, listening to it ring. once. twice. a third time, before it connects.
“y/n? what’s up?” his voice is raspy and i wonder if i woke him. it’s only ten at night, but if i remember correctly, he has a game tomorrow, so it doesn’t surprise me that he would be asleep this early. i take a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for the words that need to be said.
“you’re a shitty person, you know that?” i surprise even myself with the anger that comes through with my words. my honest feelings being spoken.
“i’m sorry?” he sounds confused, but it’s not an actual apology, it’s more of an ‘excuse me?’ if anything.
“you heard me. you’re an asshole.” i tell him, rising to my feet to pace around my living room, my dog following me like a shadow. “i wish i had never met you.”
“okay, ouch, hold on, what did i do?” he questions. i hear shuffling in the background and i assume he’s sitting up in his bed now. “we haven’t even spoken in like, what? two and a half months?”
“exactly! that’s the problem!” i’m acutely aware that i’m raising my voice at this point, but i just don’t understand how he doesn’t see the issue with this.
“you’re mad at me because i haven’t talked to you lately? i still don’t understand.” i halt my pacing at his words, my dog bumping into the backs of my legs at my abrupt stop.
“i’m mad because you strung me along this past august. i’m mad because you left me with nothing but a simple ‘bye’. i’m mad because i’ve liked you for the past four years and then you didn’t even have the decency to explain to me whatever it was that we were doing this summer!” i huff. “i would’ve understood if you just told me it meant nothing to you. that you just wanted some action or whatever. but instead you didn’t tell me shit! you let me believe that maybe you liked me back. that maybe we could have been something. and then you just left me with radio silence and i have to see you on social media with girls hanging off of you and wonder if i just wasn’t good enough. that’s why i’m mad.”
Quinn is silent for a few moments, maybe holding out to see if i’m done, maybe gathering his thoughts, but it’s eerily quiet. but then as quickly as the silence started, it ends.
“y/n.” he sighs my name, sounding exhausted. “if i knew how you felt, i would’ve tried to define what we were doing. i wasn’t sure what was happening, just that i liked spending time with you and i liked being close to you.”
“being close to me? or fucking me?” i ask him.
“both, y/n/n. is that what you wanna hear?” he’s getting frustrated, i can hear it. “yes. i liked fucking you. and i liked being with you. just us two. i’m sorry that i didn’t call you, i thought that’s how you wanted it. but, i see now that i should’ve talked to you about it instead of assuming. i didn’t realize that what we were doing meant so much to you. but you could’ve ended it at any point.”
“why would you think i would do that? that i would end it? i’m literally telling you right now that i wanted more.” i heave out a breath, dropping back onto the couch and pulling my legs up to my chest. “Quinn, i just wanted you to call me. to say something, i don’t know! say you had fun this summer, say you can’t wait to see me next summer, say you like me, say you hate me, anything. just don’t go silent on me and make me think i’m insane for thinking you like me as much as i like you.”
“i’m so sorry, y/n.” he mutters, i quiet and slow. “i should’ve talked to you. i should’ve told you that i felt the same. i should’ve thought about how you were feeling and not just me. but now that i know, i’d really like to try.”
“you would?” i inquire, keeping my antsy fingers busy by picking at a stray string on my hoodie. “how?”
“maybe… maybe you could come to one of my games? and we could go out to eat afterwards?” he sounds unsure, like maybe he’s afraid i’ll say no.
“like a date?” i ask meekly.
“yeah,” Quinn chuckles and my heart picks up at the sound. i’ve always loved his laugh. “exactly like a date.”
i’m quiet, my bottom lip captured between my teeth, holding back a squeal.
“what do you think?” he pipes up again, once again seeming nervous.
“i think, i’d really like that.” i confess before burying my face in a throw pillow beside me, muffling my excited scream.
when i raise the phone back to my ear, Quinn is laughing; apparently the pillow didn’t cover as much of noise as i thought it would.
“next friday, i have a game against Wisconsin, does that work?”
“sounds perfect.” i grin, nodding my head, even though he can’t see me.
“okay, i’ll see you then?”
“i’ll see you then.” i confirm.
“goodnight, y/n/n. i can’t wait to see you.” he tells me and i repeat a ‘goodnight’ before we hang up.
i look down at my dog, who stares at me with his head tilted.
“Ollie, you are a matchmaker.” i coo, scratching behind his ears. his mouth drops open, his tongue falling out in content as i dote on him.
**November 23rd, 2018**
today is the day.
i spent all morning getting ready; my hair is done, my makeup perfected, and i tried on about six different outfits before my mother told me to stop worrying and just go.
and after a three and a half hour drive, in which i had to pull over twice to shake myself out and get my jitters out; i’ve pulled into Yost Ice Arena with 10 minutes to spare before the game starts.
Quinn and i have texted non-stop since we planned tonight, and he assured me last night on the phone, that there’ll be a ticket waiting for me at the front.
pulling the keys from the ignition, i grab my purse and do a once-over of my face in the rearview mirror before exiting the vehicle. stretching my legs, i make my way inside the arena, stopping to get my ticket before i head in towards the seating.
i’m sat towards the middle, a perfect view of the ice. my legs shake in anxiety as the crowd roars, the players filing on the ice and getting faceoff position.
it’s amazing how much i’ve learned about hockey in the past four years of knowing the Hughes’.
it’s a rather uneventful first period, neither team scoring. the second isn’t much better, Wisconsin scoring once mere minutes into the period, but that’s the only goal. Michigan ties it up in the third, with Quinn landing an assist on the goal, and i’m shaking in nervousness as i hope for a second Michigan goal. but it never comes.
moving onto overtime, neither team scores, resulting in a tie. but the teams still go on, starting a second overtime of three-on-three to determine who gets the extra point. it’s not even a minute into the second overtime when Quinn passes the puck to Josh Norris, who i’ve met once or twice at the lake house, and Josh lands the puck in the back of the net.
the crowd goes wild, me included, jumping up to our feet and cheering as the guys celebrate.
both teams file off of the ice relatively quick, and in result, the crowd begins to fan out. fans leaving the arena. but i stay back.
Quinn told me to meet him out front of the arena in half an hour, so i opt to lounge here for an extra few to kill time, scrolling through instagram and reading Jack’s texts; asking why i’m in Ann Arbor and if i plan to come see him before i leave. stupid Life360.
i call him rather than text, making my way out of the arena as he picks up.
“what are you doing in Ann Arbor?” he cuts straight to the point, not bothering with any catch up.
“well hello to you too.” i chuckle, rolling my eyes.
“yeah, yeah, hi. what are doing in Ann Arbor?” he repeats.
“i came to see Quinn’s game. i promise, i’ll come and see you tomorrow morning before i drive back home.” i assure him. “wait, are you even gonna be back from Illinois in the morning?”
“yeah, we’re on the bus back now.” he assures me.
“okay, good. i saw online that you got an assist! congrats bub!”
“thanks. we still lost though.” he tells me, his voice full of dejection.
“you’ll get ‘em next time!” i reassure, pacing outside Yost, pulling my jacket tighter to my chest to keep myself warm in the cool Michigan air.
“yeah.” he breaths. “so why are you at Quinn’s game?”
his tone is teasing, as though he doesn’t actually believe i’m here for Quinn.
“we’re going on a date.” i admit, preparing myself for his response.
“oooh! you’re finally getting out of the friendzone?!” he exclaims, and i can hear Trevor’s voice chime in from beside him, telling him to quiet down. which i find ironic, considering Trevor is ever the loud mouth.
“what?! you knew i liked him?!” i question, making him chuckle.
“uh, yeah. it was so obvious.” he replies through laughter. “i also know you were hooking up with him this summer. you weren’t very subtle.”
my jaw drops in astonishment.
“we were so subtle!” i shout, and i can hear Trevor piping up again on the other side of the phone.
“who? y/n and Quinn? oh yeah, everyone knew.”
“shut up, Zegras!” i yell, and i can hear both boys bark out in laughter.
“why didn’t you say anything?” i ask.
“who was i to say something, when you were trying so hard to keep it on the down low?” he teases.
i look up from my pacing feet when i hear footsteps, locking eyes with Quinn, who smiles at the sight of me, nearly taking my breath away.
“i gotta go.” i breath out, and Jack lets out an immature ‘oooooooh’
“have fun with my brother!” he calls out and i groan.
“shut up. i’ll see you tomorrow.” i sing, before hanging up.
“my brother?” Quinn questions, as if he already knows the answer.
“yeah.” i nod. “apparently, i found out, we weren’t as subtle as we thought, in August.”
“we were so subtle!” he exclaims, making me giggle.
“that’s what i said!” i tell him. his hand reaches out towards mine, and i anxiously intertwine mine with his. “so, where are we going?”
“there’s a really cute diner, about a fifteen minute walk from here.” he explains, as we begin walking. “i figured we could go there.”
“sounds perfect.” i breath out. his eyes are glued to the cement, watching his feet, but i watch him. “congrats on the assists! i know a tie wasn’t really the outcome you guys were hoping for, but it was a riveting game.”
he laughs, his head dropping back, and a bright smile overtakes my lips at the melodious sound dropping from his.
“babe, there were only two goals in a full hour of game play.” he reminds me.
“babe?” i question, and his hand tightens around mine for a second.
“yeah.” he shrugs, attempting to seem nonchalant, but i can tell by his face, when he turns to me, that he’s nervous. “you’re my girl now.”
“i’m your girl?” i smirk. “i like the sound of that.”
“me too.” he brings us to a halt, turning his body to mine.
his hand rises to cup my cheek, his face lowering to mine until our breaths mingle together. my eyes flutter shut, slowly, and the next thing i know, his lips are crashing against mine in a deep kiss.
and i know, in this moment, i’ll do anything to keep him. because now, he’s mine to lose.
#quinn hughes#quinn hughes x reader#quinn hughes imagine#quinn hughes blurb#quinn hughes fic#vancouver canucks#nhl fic#nhl blurb#nhl imagine#faithlynn’s writings <3
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All the Pretty and Ugly Things
Pairing: NCT's Jaehyun x You
Genre: idol!Jaehyun, heavy angst, drama, romance, smut
TWs: several smut scenes; ml has phases with a bad personality; story begins upbeat and spirals to a darker tone in the second half; depiction of past scandals (e.g. Itaewon); mentions and descriptions of panic attacks and (spells of) depression/depressive episodes
Word Count: 27,5k
Summary: He stands in the spotlight, but the only one he's looking at is you. Until one day, the sparks in his eyes are gone and the Jaehyun you know privately is only a lifeless shell of the Jaehyun he pretends to be on stage. Crumbling under the pressure of being an idol, you try to share his baggage, but there is only so much a human can take.
A/N: This is the requested full length story to "I Still Search for You". The story spans from early 2018 'till the beginning of 2023, including real life events, and is heavily Jaehyun centered. The events are facts, everything else is made up - this is fiction after all. Now, enjoy :)
THEN
Hey, Jaehyun.
Why is it that making our dreams come true and being truly happy are often two different things? I still can’t figure it out.
Once, you told me that if you hadn’t become an idol, you would have wanted to be a young father instead, probably having two children by now. I can imagine that very well. You are so good with children, and they love you as well.
But dreams change. Just like people.
You cannot be a father at the peak of your career, and it pains me to see you giving up on this genuine dream of yours to chase after another that drains you off the light that had once been so vivid in your eyes.
You never wanted to be an idol.
The possibility had not crossed your mind even once despite listening to that music daily - until that fateful day when you were only fifteen and got street-casted by an agent for your overly good looks.
Oftentimes, I wonder if you hadn’t stayed in school for so long that day, your path might have taken a different turn. Whether, if you had only finished classes a bit earlier or a bit later that day, you would have still run into this agent.
These good looks of yours was what drove you to your downfall eventually, this exceptionally handsome face that had once smitten me as well and overshadows everything that’s lying underneath it. And there is so much you keep hidden, because to the outside world, you’re supposed to be perfect.
But they can’t see the broken young man that has succumbed to the spotlight.
All they see is their perfect idol, smiling in interviews, beaming on stage, flawlessly following whatever the company demands from him. They call you attractive, talented, write you letters, give you presents, put projects together and do everything in their power to support you from all across the world.
I really appreciate them for all their efforts, and I know you do too. They keep you going, alive, push you to greater heights when you’re feeling like giving up. Everything you do, you do for them. You don’t want to disappoint them, you want to make them happy with your presence alone.
So they are not responsible for what has happened to you, for how you feel. They had only done their best from what they got to see of you. We all did.
But it wasn’t not enough. Nothing and no one was enough.
Jaehyun, you really wanted to love this world.
And in the end, it broke you.
____
2018
“Stop sulking, put your big girl pants on and come with me!”
You groaned as Seulgi grabbed you by your hand and pulled you off the couch on which you had just settled so comfortably.
“Please… I don’t feel like going out today,” you complained.
“You haven’t gone out in 68 years. Or how long has it been since your breakup?”
“124 days.”
“That’s enough. The fact that you could even come up with the exact number? Chills.” She grabbed a pair of jeans from ‘the chair’ and threw it into your arms. “Come on. Change into it, I want to see whether you look cute in them when we make you presentable for the outside world again.”
“Where are you even dragging me to?” you asked, reluctantly disposing of your joggers and slipping into the jeans. “Will there be many people? I hate big social gatherings, you’re aware of that as we’ve known each other for years.”
“Back then in school, you also hated people, so we won’t be many. Only Jisoo, my friend Taeyong, one of his band members and a producer friend. A small gathering only.”
“Four other people? I don’t consider this a small gathering.” You paused. “Just… why?”
She glared at you. You had never gone out with Seulgi’s company squad before except for her band members and Jisoo, and the latter belonged to a different group. If it had happened that you went out together with her idol friends - the very rare times - you ended up being the one taking photos of them. And you wanted to remain this person in the background.
Taeyong? You knew him of course. Seulgi talked about him a lot, mainly when it was about dancing and songs, but he was the leader of one of the most popular boy groups in the country as well, so it was a given that you turned keen-eared upon hearing his name. Perhaps, you were a bit excited to go to the gathering.
“Okay, beat me.”
A little while later, you were sitting in the restaurant, and once again, you felt very out of place. Having known Seulgi since middle school, you really appreciated her efforts in supporting you after a heartbreak, but you were asking yourself whether this gathering was truly necessary if you could just sit at home and watch Netflix.
“We’re here!”
You looked up and reconsidered. Perhaps… Yes, it was necessary.
You almost choked on your coke when you spotted Taeyong standing right in front of you. You had seen him in music videos, in whatever threads and pictures people shared of him online or in whatever articles he got featured, but never in real life. And in real life, it was a whole other experience.
Yes, he was just as handsome, just as beaming, and radiated so much ‘idol aura’, you feared you would swoon. But he actually appeared less intimidating than on stage, much slimmer, a bit smaller and very, very kind. Yet, he still acted like a normal young man when he introduced himself a bit shyly to you along with his producer friend.
You were fawning so hard over Taeyong, having engaged him in a conversation right away, that you nearly overlooked the other young, taller man entering the restaurant fifteen minutes later. You hadn’t even noticed someone was still missing until now.
“I’m sorry I’m late.”
“We’ve just arrived from the production studio, what’s your excuse, Jaehyun?” Taeyong teased him. “Can’t you tell the time?”
“I can.” Jaehyun lifted his arm, looked at his watch and directed the following words at the object, “The manager who was supposed to drive me was late, I’m sorry I didn’t make it fifteen minutes earlier.”
His humor was spontaneous, random and deadpan, rendering everyone silent so that birds chirping in the background would possibly be audible right now. A real dad joke nobody seemed to get or find funny. Except for you. He was literally telling the time what his excuse was.
You bursted out in laughter, catching his attention with your lighthearted tone that came from the very bottom of your heart and that no one had heard for three whole months.
“Oh look. Finally someone who finds your dad jokes funny,” someone commented.
Jaehyun joined your laughter, and shortly later, you found yourself sitting next to him, engaged in a conversation about why records were so much better than anything digitized nowadays and why no one could top Bruno Mars, having totally forgotten who was actually sitting next to you,
Jeong Jaehyun.
Everyone knew NCT, and despite you not being a regular listener, you still had one person you ogled every now and then. But Jaehyun had never been that person.
Of course you had noticed his handsome looks, his prince-like aura and his great voice. To you though, he had always seemed too perfect which was why he never quite peaked your interest. You just didn’t do perfect.
But he proved to you, later that evening when all your friends were already gone and you were hiding in the women's restroom, making out wildly to cure your heartbreak, that ‘the idol’ Jaehyun himself was far from perfect.
If he was perfect, he wouldn’t kiss someone he had just met in a restaurant’s restroom so passionately, having them sit on top of the sink with their arms wrapped around his neck. A perfect idol wouldn’t have his fingers entangled in your hair, his hands rubbing between your clothed thighs and his tongue slowly pushing into your mouth.
It was a good thing that you didn’t expect him to be perfect as you were anything but as well.
You moaned quietly when he put pressure on the spot where his fingers were placed, softly biting into his lower lip to which he responded with a groan and grabbed you by both of your legs, wrapping them around his hips. Arching your spine, you rubbed yourself against him while his hand slowly found its way under your blouse.
Your back reacted with pleasant goose bumps as Jaehyun traced his fingers along your skin, and since it had been so long that you were last touched like this, hell broke loose inside of you, relishing all the pent-up desire of which you hadn’t even been aware of as you thought you were still mourning after your ex boyfriend.
But no, you were apparently already really attracted to this stranger who wasn’t really a stranger at all since you passed by his cardboard standee at least once a day when you were on your way to work and walked by the cosmetic store close to the subway. This entire situation seemed so surreal to you, even though you were living in it right now.
When you finally parted, a bit breathless and lightheaded after this long make out session, you wondered whether Jaehyun did that more often than he would openly admit. You understood though. He could have anyone he wanted, and he probably did.
“If you expect now to be invited to my place, forget it,” you told him, shuffling out of his grip and jumping from the sink. “I’m kind of a traditional girl.”
You were still heartbroken and didn’t do rebounds. Partially, you also didn’t want to invite him home because he was an idol, and you could imagine quite well what getting involved with them meant.
“A traditional girl who makes out with a guy she has just met?” Jaehyun cocked a brow and spun around to you, not letting you miss the joking tone in his voice though. “That’s quite a paradox.”
You sleekened your blouse and reached for your purse, just now realizing how late it had already gotten. “Admittedly, it doesn’t happen quite often that I immediately feel so attracted to a guy I barely know.”
The corners of Jaehyun’s lips tilted up to a wide grind that revealed his pearl white teeth. “That’s how attracted you are to me?”
“Don’t raise your hopes up.”
“It’s probably better this way, because I’m afraid you might tear my shirt apart right here and now, if that’s how attracted you are to me.”
You rolled your eyes, but smiled. “Goodnight, Jaehyun.”
He chuckled. “Goodnight.”
On your way home, you were still thinking about him and how damn good of a kisser he was. You knew from Seulgi that idols also dated, slept around or had flings here and there. You had never expected yourself to be one of them though, and certainly not with Jeong Jaehyun.
To you, it was an experience you surely hadn’t expected to get, but wouldn’t like to miss out on now in the aftermath. It also was something you hoped to not experience again, because you just didn’t want to get involved with someone who had kissing different girls on his every day agenda, because he was just capable of doing it.
Someone like Jeong Jaehyun.
____
“Come on, it’s gonna be fun!”
You sighed. “Fine.”
“Hooray!”
Seulgi took you by her hand and dragged you to the backstage area. She had invited you to join the afterparty of Red Velvet’s second concert in Seoul, and even though you weren’t really keen on partying tonight, you wanted to celebrate this special day with your friend.
While Seulgi and the other members drove with their manager back to the company’s building, you took an Uber on your own. During the entire ride, you were asking yourself whether Jaehyun would be there as well, but dismissed the thought almost instantly. On the off chance that he was there too, you would just behave normally.
You hadn’t told anyone about your physical encounter with Jaehyun. To you, now, a few weeks later, it only seemed like a vivid fever dream, not worth mentioning. The only person who knew about it was Seulgi, but only because she was friends with Taeyong and had squeezed it out of you.
She hadn’t been very happy about it though. If it would have been Taeyong, she would have supported it, but not Jaehyun. Apparently, you had been right about your initial gut feeling. Jaehyun just wasn’t someone you would want to fall in love with as you would most likely get your heart broken.
“There are idols who are here for the sole reason of making music,” she had said. “And then there are idols who find women also important, like Jaehyun. I can count on one hand how many girls in the company he hasn’t screwed yet.”
“I figured,” you had brushed it off. The heartbreak you had experienced in the past was enough for a lifetime. One more reason to never see him again.
The moment you entered the afterparty’s location though, you knew that this was going to be big as not only the Red Velvet girls and their acquaintances were there, but also trainees, other groups, the company’s entire staff and friends.
“What’s going on here?” you asked yourself in silence as Seulgi dragged you into the hall.
“Stay here, I want to introduce you to some people! Grab a drink, I’ll be back.”
“Okay.”
You looked around and people passed by you without even noticing your presence. That was probably the commoner effect. You weren’t an idol, neither a trainee nor a staff. Of course nobody would even pay the slightest attention to you.
“You’re so attracted to me that you even joined the afterparty just to see me again?” Well damn, you knew that voice.
Jaehyun stood in front of you the next moment, having circled you from behind. “Or am I wrong?”
“You’re wrong,” you defended yourself. “I’m just here, because I want to support Seulgi and her group. I’ll go look for her…”
“One drink!” Jaehyun blocked your way. “Have one drink with me?”
“And then?” You crossed your arms.
“We can continue talking about our interests. It was fun and insightful to do so with someone who genuinely cares.” You didn’t miss the earnesty in his voice, and you were almost sorry for what you were about to say next,
“Probably because you’re only fixated on people in the entertainment industry. Your selection is limited.”
He tilted his head. “What do you mean?”
“I've been friends with Seulgi since middle school, Jaehyun. I know about idol life, and also about their dating life. It doesn’t bother me, at all. About you though…” You eyed him suspiciously. “Seulgi warned me, because you have quite a reputation among these people.”
“Before you knew, that hadn’t stopped you from kissing me.” He wasn’t haughty about that fact, but merely stated an observation. “If you had known back then, would you still have dragged me to the women’s restrooms?”
You bit into your bottom lip, unsure what to say. “Attraction and morals are two different things. I want to do what’s morally right, and that would be to not get involved with you. I’m being honest… I’m still suffering from a heartbreak. I don’t want a rebound,”
“Morals,” he scoffed. “Sometimes in life, morals have to be put down as they only restrict you from living your best life and don’t bring you forward to cherish what makes you happy at this very moment. I’m saying that there are more important things than morals.”
“What else?” You were genuinely curious.
He stepped closer to you. “Sometimes, the attraction between two people is all that matters at a certain moment. And trust me, I’m feeling very much attracted to you right now.”
Heat shot into your cheeks and your body became hot all over too. If you were honest, you wanted this too. So badly even. But you were afraid your needs would take over your senses and that the happiness would only last for so long, until you were alone again.
“And something tells me you feel it too.” Jaehyun grinned mischievously, and it suddenly dawned on you why getting involved with him felt so off-putting.
Because the Jaehyun he showed you now and the Jaehyun he presented to the world through his group were the same person - they knew they owned the charms and the looks, and that girls couldn’t resist them.
He wasn’t perfect, but pretended to be. He might have even convinced himself he was. But you didn’t want to be another naive girl falling for this type of guy like your ex was.
“Goodnight, Jaehyun,” you told him and turned away from him to look for Seulgi and tell her that you would head home first.
Jaehyun didn’t follow you.
….
Jaehyun wasn’t the type of idol to sleep with fans. This had always been a no go for him.
Despite the possibility of signing an NDA, fans would gossip, brag and tell their friends, eventually risking the idol’s reputation if their identity ever got revealed and their past relationship proven to be true. No, fans were out of the picture for him.
Jaehyun couldn’t take such a risk as he had the image of perfection to keep up. Being nearly scandal-free until now, he had publicly adapted to this role the company had applied to him. He didn’t allow a woman to tarnish his reputation that he had worked so hard for.
Idols and trainees on the other hand had the same things to lose as him, so they usually kept their mouths closed. They were the safer option if one wanted to explore romance or physical attraction.
If it stayed within the company, no one actually minded dating or whatever was going on between the employees as they trained in the same building and interacted on a regular basis. Even dating outside of this tight knitted industry was allowed as long as they wouldn’t get caught. But Jaehyun weighed himself safer within the company and made the most out of it.
He had always been told to be handsome and attractive, otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten casted, so getting the girls wasn’t a problem in the first place. What was a problem was actually keeping them.
Jaehyun just didn’t want to keep anyone around.
….
“You’re going already?” Jaehyun heard the female trainee whisper from the couch as he was dressing himself up again. “No one will come here, so-”
“See you.” The next moment, he was out of the door.
After you were gone, he had directly gone to the girl he had been with last time already, but admittedly only for distraction. There hadn’t been a woman who had ever dumped him. Until now. He just didn’t know whether he found it frustrating or rather… interesting.
“... You?”
You stood in the lobby, shuffling around awkwardly. “Whatever this is between is… it made me run the entire way back here. Someone said you have been gone for a while already, but I decided to stick around though and wait.” Your gaze then fell upon his shirt that was buttoned wrong and his hair that stuck out to all sides. “But I see, you already found what you were looking for in the end.” You spun around on your heels and started walking away.
“No!” Jaehyun ran down the stairs faster than your steps could carry you back to the exit. “Please wait!”
“What do you want from me, Jaehyun?” you then asked him seriously, shaking off his hand that he had placed on your shoulder. “I was about to give us a chance to explore this mutual attraction, but you just blew it up. So what makes you go after me now?”
“Okay… but we’re not committed to each other, so you shouldn’t even bother who I get involved with in the first place.”
He was right, but you just didn’t want to admit to that. You were only hurt that he had sworn to be so attracted to you and then let it all out with another woman. “Is it your common strategy? Hitting on a girl and then just moving on when you get rejected?”
“Perhaps?” he asked, partially stating. “Perhaps, it was also because your rejection threw me out of the loop, and I needed to prove to myself that it’s not me, but you.”
“What? Never gotten rejected by someone before?”
Rejections didn’t fit into Jaehyun’s perfect life. A perfect person didn’t get rejected by someone they desired, because what was there to even turn down?
“I- I mean you like Bruno Mars and records,” he stumbled over his words. “And we even kissed. And then you turned me down not even once, but twice. What should I think about it?”
“Maybe start off with the fact that not everything is about sex?”
He shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. And I care too little to get familiar with this topic, to be honest.”
You shrugged too. “I see. But as I implied, sometimes my morals are stronger than my desires. And such a moment is now.”
“Three’s a charm hm, dumping me?” Jaehyun was flabbergasted. “Come on, you just got here!”
“Because I thought you cared enough to stay focused on me at least! For one night!” you called him out, upset. “... But I was wrong.”
“You can’t expect someone like me to focus only on you.“ He scratched his head. “That’s just… not possible.”
“Because temptation lures in every corner, am I right?”
He didn’t respond, but that was enough of an answer to you. “Good night, Jaehyun.”
“That’s not it.”
You stopped in your tracks again. “Instead…?”
“Instead, it’s rather the fact that I can’t get involved with fans. I’m pretty much scandal free, so I can’t risk getting the word out that I’m sleeping around. It’s staying within the company, so I tried to get you out of my head, because I don’t know which category you belong to, and it’s messing with my head.”
“Nobody asks you to get involved with fans.” You shook your head. “There is not only black and white, not only idol and fan. And I’m neither an idol nor your fan.”
“Which category do you belong to then?”
“I’m just an ordinary girl.”
Jaehyun clenched his fists, knowing the moment you walked out of the entrance door that he had screwed up big time. Again.
On the other hand, he didn’t really bother as well at that moment. There were many girls awaiting him here, so why would he be chasing after someone he couldn’t have?
____
2019
“…and then Miyeon said-“ Soyeon stopped mid-sentence, realizing that Jaehyun wasn’t even listening. “Hello? What’s up?”
Jaehyun didn’t quite care about what Miyeon had said. He also didn’t quite care about Soyeon if he had to be honest, even though she was great. He had tried jumping into the dating pool after being urged by Taeyong, but he just wasn’t feeling it.
Jaehyun yawned. “No, continue. I’m listening.”
“Okay, so Miyeon said-“
Jaehyun propped his elbow against the desk, placed his chin on his hand and averted his eyes back in the direction of the window, his thoughts drifting off once more. Since NCT 127 had come back from America, something inside of him had changed. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it though.
They had had a lot of fun in the States, so that wasn’t the problem here. The fun had included wild party nights and sneaking foreign girls into their rooms who didn’t know who they truly were, visiting different cities and doing something that felt close to vacation every now and then.
They also had had a lot of success. The group had stood on big stages, had been guests in popular shows, and had even walked along the red carpet at award shows. Their popularity was skyrocketing, getting more recognition in the west, and they had achieved everything they had only fantasized of back in trainee days.
Whenever Jaehyun stood on the stage, he felt like a king, and the crowd was his nation. At moments like that, when the spotlight was on him, he felt like all those years of hard training, suffering mentally and physically, and pulling himself together again and again, finally paid off. All his hardships were forgotten and there was only him, living his dream. His life was perfect.
So why was it that Jaehyun was still not content after realizing he had everything a young man his age with the same ambitions could ask for?
Perhaps, it was because after the lights went off and the members separated, he returned to a dark hotel or dorm room, feeling entirely alone with a gap in his heart that was so deep, not even the cheerful laughters of friends or one night stands were able to fill it.
„We should end this,“ Jaehyun then blurted out.
„What?“
„You and me, here,“ he explained monotonously. „Let’s end this.“
Soyeon blinked in confusion. „We’ve only been dating for two months. Why would we end this already?“
Because he didn’t see this going anywhere. Because, in the months they had been dating, he could count on one hand how often they had seen each other. Because, when he had been overseas, he had never thought about her.
Jaehyun wasn’t an expert with relationships, but he assumed this was not how they should work. Instead, he said, “I’m just not interested in dating anyone at the moment. I don’t have the time to spare. I’m sorry.”
Soyeon arose from the bed, and Jaehyun moved his head to make eye contact with her.
“It’s okay, I’m not mad though.” She shrugged. “It would have been nice if this would have worked out. Because you know, Jaehyun… we idols can never be with people who idolize us. I hope you think about this thoroughly.“
“There are not only idols and fans,” he stated, summoning words he had been told earlier this year. “There are ordinary people as well.”
“I didn’t count them in, because they rarely withstand the pressure we idols bring along.” Soyeon grabbed her bag and walked to the door. “Seriously… don’t drag a poor girl into our world. You’ll only ruin her.”
“What would you know?” he unwillingly snapped.
But Soyeon wasn’t bothered. “We all try at some point.”
Jaehyun didn’t put further thoughts into her words and brushed them off as futile when a face popped into his mind of which he hadn’t thought in a long time.
The girl he had once felt so attracted to but missed his chance not only twice, but on three occasions. He suddenly wondered where you were, what you were doing and whether the attraction would still be there if you two would run into each other again.
Jaehyun then pulled out his phone and opened his private chat with Seulgi. It consisted of zero messages between the two of them, that was how distanced they actually were. Yet, he still decided to text her.
____
“You know I only agreed to meet you, because Seulgi asked me to.” You sipped on your coke, watching Jaehyun with wary eyes.
“Yes, and I want to thank you for that.”
“You have to thank Seulgi.”
“I already did.”
He hadn’t touched his Americano, but just proceeded to stare at it, avoiding eye contact with you at all cost. You hadn’t missed the skepticism in the waitress’ eyes when she had brought you the beverages as she had to look at Jaehyun twice and even turned around on her way back once again to make sure that her mind had not fooled her. Jaehyun had ignored it.
“So, what’s the matter?” He was sitting opposite of you as you asked. “It’s been more than half a year since we’ve last seen each other.”
Jaehyun fiddled with his fingers that he had rested on his lap. “Did you see anyone during this time?”
“Why would that be any of your business?”
He cleared his throat. “I toured through Japan, America, Thailand and parts of Europe this year, as you might know. I had everything in front of me that I worked so hard for. The fame, the success. In America, I went to red carpets, award shows, TV shows… It has always been my dream to do all that. When I first came back in May, I even started dating someone I thought was perfect for me as she is an idol as well. I had all that. My life was perfect. And it still wasn’t enough for me.”
Even though he was speaking seemingly nonchalantly, there was a sad undertone in his voice. Jaehyun certainly knew how to conceal his true feelings, and it made you feel that he considered it to be necessary to do this in front of you as well.
“What went wrong?” you wanted to know.
“I realized how fading it all was. The spotlight doesn’t last for long. When you’re a trainee, nobody tells you what will happen when the lights go off. Nobody prepares you for what will happen once the darkness comes. And damn, is that darkness deep. And so endless. A few hours of spotlight just don’t make up for hours, days and months of darkness.”
You weren’t a celeb, but you could understand what he was feeling. Many people looked down on idols, laughing off their career and deeming it not even being a true job. But the idol life was a hard one with hours and hours of training of which one couldn’t even be sure whether all the blood, sweat and tears would pay off eventually. You had seen Seulgi going through all of this.
“What about the other guys?” you questioned. “I’m pretty sure you’re all there to support each other as well.”
Jaehyun chuckled bitterly. “We’re 23 people in the whole group. That’s like an entire classroom. How many people did you naturally get along with in your class back then in high school?”
“Perhaps, only a handful. My friends.”
“Exactly. Some, you can turn to when you feel down, but they are not there all the time and they have their own problems too that you cannot make your own, because the burden will be too much. The majority, you just want to punch in the face because they get on your nerves. Others, you simply avoid altogether.”
Seulgi was very lucky to be in a group with only a couple of girls who got along all the time, more or less. You couldn’t imagine how it was for Jaehyun with more than twenty other guys.
“And the girl you dated?”
He smiled, and it somehow stung. “She’s pretty, talented and a very good person. Characteristics you rarely find in idols all combined. But she travels around very often as well and has so many projects going on. She was there when I wasn’t, and I was there when she wasn’t. That’s why so many relationships between idols fail. We barely have time. We can’t make each other’s darkness go away.”
You nipped on your coke again. Jaehyun’s glass now consisted of more water than coffee. “What did you call me here for exactly, Jaehyun?”
He sucked in a rush of air. “You haven’t answered my question.”
“Which question?”
He locked your gazes, finally. “Did you see someone in the past months?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.” Finally, he led the straw to his mouth, taking a sip, but not pushing the topic further. Nevertheless, the air was still heavy, and you decided to clear it.
“But I’m not anymore.”
Jaehyun looked up, his eyes sparkling.
“Two rules,” you made clear.
“I’m listening.”
“You text me at least once a day. Not because I want to surveille you, but because I just want to know you’re alive and well, and thinking of me despite your busy schedule.”
He chuckled shyly. “Lately, I’ve been thinking of you all the time, so that’s a given.”
You flushed a bit and lowered your voice to shield your conversation from the other customers. “Second rule… And I know you’re not going to like this, but the second rule is no sex.”
“What?” he whispered in disbelief, eyes widening and leaning over the table closer to you as though he was sure he had misheard. “Are you being serious?”
“I want you to prove to me that you’re serious about me,” you whispered back. “That you don’t only want me for sex, and if we have sex, that you don’t end things right after you got what wanted. I’m not such a girl, Jaehyun. And I don’t want such a man. If you’re not okay with this, we don’t have to do this.”
“No, no, no!” he directly dismissed. “It’s okay. I’m okay with this.”
He nodded with much determination, and you could see the sincerity in his eyes. He was in for all of it, and you would lie if you acted like you weren’t surprised by his reaction. Jaehyun truly meant it.
“Let me add something…” you backpedaled for clarification. “No sex until I’m ready for it. Better?”
But he didn’t object. “Whatever rules you set.”
“Can I add another one?”
“You’re on a roll now?” he asked skeptically.
“I want you to take me out on a date. A real date.”
The corners of his lips tilted up. “This, I can do too. Can I add a rule as well?”
“Go ahead.”
“In private, call me Yuno, like my real name. When I’m with you, I don’t want to be Jaehyun.”
What he implied was that in private, he wanted to be vulnerable, who he truly was, not an idol. You gladly accepted that.
“Okay, Yuno.”
As you addressed him by his real name, smiling so sweetly and genuinely, Jaehyun thought that, for the first time, he could imagine wanting to keep someone around.
____
You weren’t dense. You knew that dating an idol wouldn’t be like dating any other guy.
With any other guy, you could walk around freely where crowds were, holding hands. With any other guy, you could spontaneously meet up after work, several times a week. With any other guy, you could take couple pictures and post them online, on your public account.
Dating Jaehyun wasn’t any of the above.
But you weren’t just any girl either.
You didn’t complain when he had to cancel plans last minute, because he was too tired to get up again. You didn’t hold it against him when you were always the one having to drive into his neighborhood. You also didn’t interfere when the manager was adamant about following you everywhere.
Jaehyun made up for all of this more than anyone before him by being the sweetest boyfriend one could ask for.
Little by little, you got to know the person behind this idol mask, the person behind ‘Jaehyun’. The person you called ‘Yuno’ in private. A person you could really imagine falling in love with deeply not far from now.
Because this person truly was not perfect. And that was what made him so loveable for you.
____
Today, Jaehyun was off work, so for the first time in two weeks, you actually had an entire day to yourselves, and it would be the last one before he’d take off to New York for the Global Citizen Festival.
Even though you had gone on short dates before, such as grabbing a coffee and sitting in the park or movie evenings at your place, Jaehyun had promised that this one would be your first real date together, just as he had promised to you when you had agreed on going out.
What you hadn’t expected was for him to take you to Seoul Children’s Grand Park.
“Is it okay?” he asked you hesitantly as you stood in the queue at 10am in the morning. “I thought…”
You nodded and let your fingers slip into his palm as you moved forward in the queue. “It’s totally okay. I understand.”
Any other guy wouldn’t have taken you to a children's theme park, but this was where Jaehyun and you could roam around freely without hiding and him wearing more of a disguise than a cap. As mainly families visited the park with their lively kids, they wouldn’t be keen on getting info on who this stranger was if they would ever grow suspicious at all. It was the perfect spot to spend an entire day away from the turmoil that usually surrounded him.
Jaehyun let out a rush of air. “Then I’m relieved.”
“Who said we cannot have fun here as well?” You gently nudged him. “I’m sure it’ll be the best day ever!”
You hadn’t pegged Jaehyun as the goofy guy. During the short span of weeks that you had been dating so far, you had gotten a glimpse of the part that wasn’t manipulatively charming and self-centered. This Jaehyun now was light-hearted, making jokes and laughing all the time as though he had no care in this world.
This Jaehyun was whole-heartedly happy.
“What is it?” he asked you, smiling against the sun, having to blink.
“Nothing,” you said and squeezed his hand. “You’re scrunching up your nose when you laugh. It’s so cute.”
You had just disembarked from a ride and Jaehyun had been laughing next to you the entire time. You hadn’t wanted the ride to end just to continue to listen to him laughing as you harbored the feeling that he hadn’t been able to do so as much lately, so you wanted to be this person to him.
“Stop,” he urged and covered the lower half of his face with the back of his hand, and you noticed how his cheeks as well as the tips of his ears turned pink.
You chuckled. “Come on, I want to see the animals!”
You moved through the groups of families and their children, and despite Jaehyun having been very tense in the beginning, always controlling whether someone was watching you or on the brink of recognizing him, he had slowly started to relax when he noticed that no one paid the slightest attention to you two.
“Is it hard?” you then wanted to know as you studied the elephants with kids of different ages screaming right next to you by the balustrade. But you didn’t mind. “Not quite being able to go where you want as you might get recognized?”
“I can go wherever I want and whenever I want,” Jaehyun clarified. “Most of the time, people don’t care, the majority of them only watch. We’re only human with daily tasks as well. Seldomly, someone takes a secret photo and spreads it, very rarely, they ask for autographs and other things personally. Sometimes, it’s annoying, but it comes with my job, so it doesn’t bother me most of the time as long as they respect our privacy. It’s only when I’m with a girl that things can get heated.”
“Sure.” One elephant was blowing water at a smaller one. The children were rejoicing. “Your fans would probably give you hell if it ever makes headlines.”
“When you date someone, with the staff, sasaengs and friends around, it’s a given that there is a group of people who know and they tell the people they know and so on. That’s how gossip arises, but as long as it doesn’t make headlines and you’re on Dispatch’s good side, you’re okay. But I don’t want you to only be okay.”
You tilted your head, now turning around to face him. “What do you mean?”
“You’re not an idol, neither a staff or a trainee. You don’t have anything to do with this world and I want it to stay this way. I want you to be safe.” He glanced down at you, the look in his eyes imprenetable. “I don’t want my girlfriend to become the target of hate, that’s why I want to protect your identity at all costs. I want to do it right this time.”
You weren’t a hillbilly. You had seen what had happened when it got revealed that Kai was dating Krystal. And when Baekyhun was dating Taeyeon. The hate that flooded through online communities and were discussed for weeks all over the internet - and they were very popular and beloved idols. It warmed your heart that Jaehyun wanted to spare you from all of this as well.
But wait, had he just called you…?
“It’s not easy, being with me,” he continued as though he hadn’t just put a label on you two. “And with you, it’s probably going to be extra hard. But I don’t want my life to ruin yours, to ruin what we’re just trying to build. I just need to know you’re fully on it as well.”
With a smirk, you challenged him, “Build what?”
“A…” He gulped. “... a serious relationship.”
You had all along known that behind the playboy side of his that he had shown you first, there was a goofy, endearing person hidden, that was the reason why you had agreed on going out with him in the first place. This was the person you had hoped to be there all along, the person you wanted.
So right in the middle of screaming children who their parents tried to calm, you grabbed Jaehyun by his collar and lifted yourself up to your toes. This surrounding was shielding you perfectly from unwanted attention as you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him.
“I still won’t sleep with you,” you then announced in secrecy when you parted.
“It’s okay. I’ll wait,” he replied patiently, his hands around your waist.
Dating Jaehyun wasn’t like dating any other guy. But dating Jaehyun was just as fun.
And Jaehyun, for the first time, wanted to keep someone around.
____
“Hey, come in.”
“Hi Jungwoo. I’m not gonna stay for long. I just wanted to say goodbye.”
Your palms were sweating as Jungwoo giggled. “Stay for as long as you want. We’ve only recently moved in, so enjoy the cleanliness for now, because it’s not going to stay this way for much longer.”
You weren’t sure why you were so nervous, why you were even covered in a thin sheet of sweat just because you had gotten invited to Jaehyun’s group’s dorm for the first time, but Jungwoo’s shy bubbliness and kind aura quickly put you at ease.
It had been three months since you and Jaehyun started dating, and he was going to leave for Japan soon. Since he had to get up early the day after and the place where he had spent the day was closer to his dorm, it was a given that you would meet him at his own home.
Jaehyun was still deliberately following the texting rule, no matter how late it was, where he would travel to shortly after and wherever in the world he was currently residing. And lately, he had been in Spain and back in the US, the time difference putting a strain on your occasional facetime calls, but you had still managed to do it as often as possible.
Despite his busy life, he was always putting you first.
“Follow me, his room is over there. No worries, it’s all his.”
You found yourself anxiously looking to your right and left, afraid to encounter any of the other boys - the source of your nervousness. You weren’t prepared to meet all of them and already felt a lump in your throat when you heard different voices from what seemed like the living and kitchen area. But to your reassurance, Jungwoo came to a stop right before that space.
“This one.” He opened the door for you. “Make yourself at home. You want to drink something?”
You shook your head. “Thank you.”
“Okay. Call me if you need anything!”
He closed the door behind him, and, in the safety of Jaehyun’s room, you felt all the strain getting lifted off your shoulders. As you looked around, you recognized everything from the relay cam published the month prior on the group’s youtube channel.
There, to your left, was the cabinet with all his stuff like his Marshall music box, his vinyl records and the Mickey Mouse sitting on the top shelf. In front of the big window stood his desk along with the keyboard and his computer. Next to it, another standing keyboard, followed by his bed to your right.
Jaehyun loved listening to vinyls, using analog cameras, drinking wine and playing the piano. It was a soft, private side he also showed his fans in his vlogs, a fragment of who he really was, deep inside. In his videos, he appeared as such a comfort person, entirely different from the young man you had encountered last year and luckily came out more and more around you.
But what differed him from the person everyone else got to see was that you also knew the Jaehyun who was off-camera. The one not so pressured to uphold a perfect facade, who broke through the stark mask every now and then.
Yuno, who called you, sobbing because he had reached a dead end with a song he was composing. Yuno, who wanted to be desperately hugged by you, because he felt so lonely. Yuno, who raised his voice because everything was going wrong with his day.
His fans didn’t have to see. And you were always there to clean up the mess he had left, sweeping up the remains of his emotional outbursts, because from the outside, he had an image to keep up. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be possible. Shared baggage wasn’t as heavy. And always, you willingly and happily did that - for him.
As you walked across the room, you spotted a few sheets spread across his desk over the keyboard. You didn’t want to peek, but got your attention drawn to them by the vivid colors, and you frowned as you read your name on two of the documents.
They were flight initiaries to Tokyo. And the third one, a bit smaller but thicker by paper, was an entry ticket to their respective concert.
“Oh damn. It should have been a gift.”
You hadn’t heard how he had walked into the room and shifted around to him, the ticket in your hand now, asking in near disbelief, “What’s this?” as though you didn’t already know.
“You’re joining me in Tokyo!”
“You’re nuts!” you objected, still not believing it. “I have a job, I have to ask for a time off first. What if it won’t get through? Then this would go to waste!”
Jaehyun threw his head back and laughed. Then, he approached you and took the ticket out of your hand. “I know you’ve always wanted to visit Japan and see me on stage. So why not combine these two, and why not in February when there is the opportunity?”
“My boss is a witch, I told you all the stories about her, weren’t you listening?” You already imagined her anguished face, horror striking your face. “Oh god, I can hand in my two weeks notice tomorrow when I tell her about this.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Jaehyun brushed it off confidently. “I already called your workplace. No important meetings on these dates. Your vacation days will be officially approved by tomorrow.”
“Are you being serious?” You raised your brow in suspicion, not allowing your skeptical and worrying self to feel joy yet. “Or is this a joke?”
“Do you or do you not see your name right there?” He held the flight initiatives out in front of you.
“How did you get my passport number?”
“I didn’t send you to go grab the ordered food for nothing that day.”
“You’re-” The words got caught in your throat, because you felt tears aching behind your eyes.
“Awesome? Unbelievable? The best boyfriend ever?”
“I wanted to say stupid.” You swallowed it all down. “Stupidly awesome. But the title ‘best boyfriend’ also fits.”
“Well, that’s what I wanted to hear.”
Finally, you wrapped your arms around his neck and Jaehyun spun you around, the both of you laughing.
You had talked about finances after some weeks of dating already since the discrepancy between your monthly salaries was almost impossible to put into words. But despite Jaehyun always offering, you were adamant about only doing and achieving things you could afford as you never ever wanted to grow dependent on a man.
But Jaehyun didn’t mind grand gestures every now and then. Just like this one.
“You know I’m going to reward you greatly for this, right?” you asked him quietly as he placed you back on the ground.
It took Jaehyun a few moments of obliviousness until you observed the question marks slowly vanishing from his eyes and the innocent look in them getting replaced with one that was auspicious, and a tid bit sinister.
Oh, he wanted that reward. So bad.
You had never talked about sex again, and he had never asked about it in return. Despite having come close to it again and again when a reunion session got too heated, Jaehyun had never pushed for more when you weren’t the one making the first step.
Now, being sure that it wasn’t only about this one thing for him and that he was fully ready to commit, you wanted to prove to him that you were ready for it as well by giving him the one thing he hadn’t been able to get yet.
With a swift motion, Jaehyun had swooped you off the ground, and you were bouncing on the bed the next moment, him on top of you, lips close to your ear, and whispering,
“I hope you know what you’ve gotten yourself into.”
You wanted to know. So bad.
____
“I’ve never waited so long for a girl before,” Jaehyun whispered through gritted teeth as he hastily, with trembling fingers, fiddled with the hem of your shirt. “But you made it all worth it.”
You bit your bottom lip. “You don’t know yet, and I don’t want to disappoint you as you've waited for so long.”
He halted and locked gazes with you, putting his forehead to yours. “I’m not talking about sex only. I’m serious. You’re not boring. You’re not stuck-up. You don’t drool over me. You see me as who I am, and you’re still with me. You make everything worth it.”
His words turned you on so much that you slid your thigh over his lap, turned over and straddled him. “Please sleep with me right now,” you almost begged and fisted his t-shirt. You wanted him even more if that was possible. “Or I-”
But Jaehyun didn’t let you finish your sentence. His hands fell to your hips and pressed your body closer to his groin as his lips finally met yours in a passionate kiss that was long overdue. He was propped up on his hands while you were holding his neck and then bent in to deepen the kiss with the use of your tongue.
Suddenly, you pulled away in shock as you heard people passing by the door, laughing audibly as though they were standing right next to you.
“Yeah, the walls here are paper thin, sorry about that. But usually, nobody barges in just like that.”
You shifted your attention back to Jaehyun, deliberately diving into his mouth again, but you were still able to clearly hear the laughter and conversations only feet away from where you were about to do the deeds - all while Jaehyun moved from your mouth to your neck, growing more greedy and impatient.
His fingers dug into your hips and he growled lowly against your skin as he kissed along your collarbone. Willingly, you lifted your arms and let him slide off your shirt, shivering lightly against the coldness that immediately hit your shoulders, but was replaced by the warmth of Jaehyun’s mouth right after.
He pressed you down on him, hard, and you rubbed against the thickness between your legs, barely noticing the straps of your bra slipping along your arms and exposing your bare breasts. Heat swirled in your belly, making your clit throb and your body craving him so badly, you didn’t think you could wait for much longer.
“Give it back!”
“HAHAHAHAHA, NEVER!”
Your body stiffened and you caught a glimpse at the door which was still closed, luckily. It felt like the boys had run right through your room! You wanted to ask Jaehyun whether there was a key to put you at ease for a bit, but you melted into him the next moment when he grabbed your left nipple between his teeth, sending shocks right down to your nether regions.
You moaned when his palms were placed flat on your back and you arched your spine, angling into his body as he bent forward and sucked the whole peak of your breast into this mouth. Forgotten were the voices and the people running back and forth outside of the room. Your eyes fluttered closed as Jaehyun’s tongue, hot and wet, came out and swirled the pebble of your nipple.
Laugher crossed the comfortable quietness in the room again that had only consisted of the nearly audible moans and growls of you two before. You tried to shift your head, but Jaehyun now turned his attention to your other nipple, dragging it out by his teeth, and then teased you by nibbling the entire breast.
“What if someone comes in?” you whispered, but your interruption was pathetic in this situation, and Jaehyun knew.
He sucked hard, stretching your skin. You grinded against his groin so desperately, you felt it tickle and wet between your legs already - and you were not even entirely undressed yet! You rolled your hips, rubbing fast on him, your fingers tugging on the hem of his t-shirt, and Jaehyun stilled for a moment to let you take it off for him.
He then pulled you back against him, your faces on level. One of his hands slipped down your back to grab your ass, and you let out a squeal, hushing right after as footsteps passed by the door. You gazed into his eyes, saw the passion, the lust, and you knew that all your concerns were irrelevant.
You would do it right here and now, no matter how loud and heavy it would get, no matter who could hear you. You would do it right now, and no one and nothing would be able to stop you from it.
“Please,” you muttered, palming his chest with your hands. “I don’t want to wait anymore.”
Jaehyun expelled a short breath as he had wanted to prolong the foreplay a bit more, but he didn’t need to be asked twice to hurry up. Wrapping an arm around your waist, he flipped you onto your back, and you let out a small gasp along the way, excited and nervous at the same time.
“Your wish is my command.”
Jaehyun got on his knees, gazing down at you. You unbuttoned your jeans, sliding them over your hips, then your legs. His eyes didn’t waver from you as you revealed your black panties, and he licked his lips. Slowly, he slid his fingers up your thighs and hooked them into the waistband of your undies.
“At any other occasion, I would take my fair time with you,” Jaehyun admitted. “But right now, I can’t wait anymore either.”
Your black panties landed on top of your other clothes at the side of the bed along with Jaehyun’s jeans and boxers. He reached into a small drawer that was hidden in the headboard and pulled out a condom that he then rolled on, the wrapper getting lost on the floor as well.
“But we have to be quiet, okay?” you tried again as someone outside had seemingly randomly started to play the piano. “We’ll try.”
“Sure.” Jaehyun positioned himself between your thighs, a smile curling a corner of his mouth. You hadn’t been able to take a detailed look at his hard-on yet from your position, but it already felt like it was a lot to take in. “We’ll try.” Why did it seem like he wouldn’t even want to try?
Your hair was fanned out on the pillow beneath you as he came down to you and pressed between your legs. Thrusting his hips slowly and steadily, he worked inside of you, and you groaned, stretching while he was sinking into you. Your cheeks heated up and you threw your head aside as Jaehyun was going deeper and deeper, burying himself to the hilt.
“Oh,” Jaehyun sucked in a rush of air, his face twisted. “It feels so good.”
You shared the same thought as him as he lowered his body closer to you, your nipples brushing his chest. Without thinking, you bent your knees and spread your legs wider, your heels digging into the mattress.
Jaehyun kissed you, but before you had time to savor that feeling of fleeting peace before he would rock your entire world, he had already pulled out and thrusted right back into you.
“Oh, god.”
You looked up, witnessing Jaehyun enjoying the act himself as he grabbed for the headboard to give him support while his thrusts got harder and faster, moving in and out of you. The muscles in his arms were bulging and tight as they strained in the attempt to hold his position, the muffled voices of people in the background nearly entirely faded.
That was until you noticed that the bed was creaking. Very loudly. “The bed,” you breathed in between thrusts, worried. “We have to go slower.”
But Jaehyun just groaned, dropped his head and silenced you with his lips. Instead of going slower, he only went harder. Your breasts bounced back and forth, and whimpers fell from your lips that only transitioned to higher tones, challenging the noise the bed was currently making.
“Go slow,” you still tried to plead, but you weren’t sure anymore whether you had even audibly uttered these words.
You totally forgot about the noise around you. At some point, when your head was so clouded, filled with passion and lust, you just didn’t care anymore. Instead, you pulled Jaehyun deeper with every thrust, rolling your hips to meet his rhythm and moaning at the pleasure of him filling you.
Jaehyun slid a hand under your bum and nestled in farther, grunting as he went on even rougher, your whole body shaking and thus the entire bed with you. Loud creaks mixed with your own sounds of pleasure as you begged him to go faster, deeper, rarely having felt this good in your life.
“Yes, yes! Please, don’t stop!” you cried lowly as you felt an orgasm crest.
He thrusted in and out of you again and again, sweat forming on his forehead, but his rhythm was steady, the strength in his arms holding the position and not giving in. His length nudged far inside you, and you cried out, loud this time, breaking loose and coming as your walls clenched around him.
“Oh, f-”, Jaehyun groaned as he pushed one more time and then stopped, his body stiffening on top of yours and his arms straining, bringing forward his veins.
You ran a hand up his back, feeling the sheen of sweat as you both came down from your highs, overly exhausted, but over the top happy. And you both beamed.
When you later left the dorm that night, hoping to not get caught by someone after what you had done merely an hour before, you still found a member, Yuta, as a matter of fact, standing in the corridor and winking at you.
Well…
____
2020
After Jaehyun returned from Japan, NCT 127 was preparing for their comeback with ‘Kick it’ along with the release of their second Korean studio album ‘Neo Zone’. You had hoped that, with their first world tour concluded, Jaehyun’s life would slow down a bit, his world spinning a bit less fast. But you were wrong.
NCT 127 was climbing up the ladder of success and, amidst the comeback, they were to travel back and forth between the US and South Korea. You were truly, really happy for them, they had been working so hard for all of this.
But you also couldn’t deny that Jaehyun’s announcement of their second world tour starting in North America in June came along with a bland aftertaste for you.
____
“What’s wrong?” Jaehyun asked you.
His blue hair shimmered in the sunset getting reflected in your bedroom. Tomorrow was the comeback stage of ‘Kick it’, so he wasn’t able to stay for long as he had to get up very early.
Throughout the past months, he hadn’t neglected rule number one even for one day. Between recording, practice and other schedules, he still found time to text you or even call shortly, so you didn’t know why it even bothered you that he would now start having even less than the little time he usually was able to spare.
You felt very selfish, demanding so much, even though it was probably the bare minimum for such a relationship. But this was Jeong Jaehyun, not any other guy. So you swallowed the real reason and only informed him, “From now on, you don’t have to text me everyday, okay?”
Jaehyun pulled his brows together. “You don’t want me to text you anymore?”
You had seen him on stage. He knew what he was capable of, so did everyone else, including you. “It’s not like that…”
When the Yuno you knew turned into Jaehyun, the idol, the stage was his home. He loved the spotlight, he loved his occupation, he loved his fans. Every motion he executed, every note he hit, every gaze he shot to the crowd was well thought-out and touched perfection. Partially, this job was his passion, but much more, it was also work. Only on the stage, he could let go and ride on the wave of his fame. He was born to be in the spotlight, and there was no place for you to interfere in any means.
“It’s just…” You shrugged. “I don’t want to be a distraction to you, you know.”
“You think you’re my distraction?” He got up from the bed and approached you to kneel in front of you on the floor. “You’re my biggest motivation, that’s the truth.”
Now, it was you who was frowning. “What do you mean by that?”
“I know my fans love me no matter what, and I appreciate their dedication and love, they’re my motivation too. Whatever I do, they solemnly celebrate their idol, and I can count myself lucky they always have my back. I’m talking about the good fans here, though.” He sucked in a rush of air. “But whenever I'm on stage, I’m afraid that I'll get lost again. Lost in this world, in this part of me that I keep caged and only let out when I’m in the spotlight. The part of me that relishes the stage a bit too much. Because that’s not really me anymore. I don’t want to return to being this person.”
You had seen Jaehyun in Japan. And you could understand why his fans went crazy over him. On stage, he radiated so much confidence and sexual appeal that you almost felt jealous of all the girls seeing the same in him as you and fell in love with him all overagain at the same time.
But Jaehyun at home wasn’t like that. He watched Money Heist in his checkered pajama bottoms, wore thick glasses as otherwise he wasn’t able to see, and currently spent as much time in the fitness studio as possible as he felt insecure about his build.
“In a crowd of ten thousands of people, it’s so easy to turn invisible,” he continued, “but I always search for you until I find you. Even when you’re not physically there, I sing a song and think about you, and you appear in my mind.”
You averted your eyes, touched by his words and letting his voiced concerns sink in. “What are you saying…”
“I’m saying…” He took your hands into his. “That because of you, I can be who I truly want to be, who I actually am, not this cocky asshole from the past. You keep me grounded, you bring out the best part of me. And while my fans don’t bring out the worst part of me, they’re always on the brink of luring it out, and it’s so tempting to me.”
From what Jaehyun had told you, at one point, he had wished to have a relationship with his fans like Taeyong did. More like friends with a mutual understanding, despite being fan and idol. His bandmate shared nearly everything with his beloved fans, so much that Jaehyun sometimes jokingly described it as a parasocial relationship.
But that was the difference between idols like Jaehyun and idols like Taeyong. Jaehyun kept everyone not privately involved with him at an arm's-length, because he didn’t want to disappoint anyone when he acted out of the box and not so perfect.
“You don’t always have to be perfect, Yuno.” You gently pressed his fingers together in a gesture of reassurance. “Even though they all expect it from you, it’s okay to be you every now and then. Especially around me. I don’t do perfect anyway. I want you to know that.”
“What happened to Taeyong predebut… It nearly destroyed him,” he admitted quietly. “I don’t want that to happen to me. Perfection is not only my image, it’s my shield.”
You dismissed the topic about Taeyong’s scandal quickly. Nobody in their dorm was allowed to talk about what had happened back then ever again, and you didn’t want to break this rule out of respect. “And now, he’s so loved and successful, coming out even stronger. He’s found his passion, his purpose in life. Flaws don’t make you unlovable, Yuno. I love every single one of your flaws, and I’m sure your fans would too.”
Jaehyun nudged his face between your thighs and you let your fingers run between his soft, blue hair that now reminded you of lapis lazuli. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“Okay.” Then, quietness followed before he bluntly blurted, “You said you love me.”
You bit your tongue. “I said I love your flaws.”
“Which is technically the same,” he muffled into the fabric of your pants.
It wasn’t, to be exact. But it didn’t matter, because this was true, too.
Your palm still rested on the back of his head. Perhaps, that was the reason he wasn’t able to face you. It let things slip easier from your lips. You were thankful for that at this moment.
“Yes. I do. I love you.”
It was the first time that you told him this despite feeling it for quite a while already. You hadn’t expected to eventually come around, but now that you had, you were afraid of him not feeling the same, not being capable of feeling the same.
But after everything he had told you before, you knew that these doubts were unreasonable.
He loved you too. What was there to worry about in the end?
You bent down and placed a kiss on the top of his head. Taking you by surprise, Jaehyun rose at the same moment and grabbed you by your neck, pulling you close to him so that your foreheads almost touched, strands of his lapis lazuli colored hair in your vision.
“I love you too.”
____
“He won’t come out.”
Taeyong and Jungwoo stood in front of Jaehyun’s room when you arrived, worry etched into their faces. If they both weren’t able to get him out, how would you?
The day before, news broke out that Jaehyun, along with Eunwoo, Jungkook and Mingyu had gone out together on April 25 to the dawn of April 26, visiting three locations in Itaewon - right after Covid restrictions of the first wave had eased. And people were furious.
You didn’t even remember that day anymore as you hadn’t seen each other before or after. Between comeback preparations and mc-ing, Jaehyun was busy as hell, and you let him enjoy his free time with his friends too, even though sometimes, you felt like you weren’t one of his top priorities anymore. But all of this didn’t matter at this moment.
“It’s the first big blow up he’s experiencing,” Taeyong explained to you with a low voice. “It’s currently too much for him to process and handle.”
“How am I supposed to help if you aren’t able to?” you wanted to genuinely know.
The main problem didn’t lie with the fact that they had visited the etablissements amidst the government’s advice to distance themselves socially. Though this was considered a problem too, of course.
The entire internet was furious that these young men hadn’t isolated themselves after someone, who had visited etablissements in the same area a week later, was officially tested positive for Covid. Thus, the government had recommended all visitors of this neighborhood between April 24 and May 6 to isolate themselves at home.
But no such thing had happened to the guys as they had carried on with their schedules as usual. Of course they had taken Covid tests, and you had too just in case, and they had all turned out negative.
But the internet was merciless.
“Did you talk to him yesterday?” Jungwoo asked.
You shook your head. The day this scandal surfaced was the first day Jaehyun hadn’t ever texted you nor picked up your calls. That was why you had connected with Taeyong and came here directly.
“Whatever I want to say… It doesn’t seem like it’s the right thing. I want to be careful, thinking about every word, wanting to encourage him. But I’m afraid, with what I have to say, I might hurt him even more despite not wanting to.”
“The most important thing is to not judge,” Taeyong recommended. “Whether it was right or wrong, he knows himself after having an emergency meeting with the management yesterday. You know what kind of person he is. Just… believe in him.”
“It’s a tough time for all of us since tomorrow is the comeback, and he has to face the entire world in that vlive.”
You looked at Jungwoo who had last spoken, now feeling even more discouraged, and your shoulders dropped. “This is not really my forte, you know. I’ve never experienced something like this, nor did I go through this with someone. I can just offer… myself.”
“But that’s enough.”
“I don’t know whether my presence is enough to soothe his heart, Taeyong. He apparently doesn’t need me. Or better say, he doesn’t want me here.”
“He may think he doesn’t need you, but deep inside, during hard times, the people we love are all we need. We try to push them away, cocooning ourselves in the comfort of loneliness and isolation when everything we need is the warmth of familiar arms wrapped around us in protection.”
The words spurting out of this man sometimes… No wonder he made his fans feel like they were actually acquaintanced. You were enchanted, too. “Okay. I’ll get in.”
Jaehyun’s entire room was dark, his curtains pulled together, the lamps off. The only source of light came from the tiny slit in between the fabric by the window that wouldn’t close seamlessly, so only a tiny bit of sunlight streamed in. Jaehyun himself laid on his bed, the blanket pulled over his entire body, and he had his head turned to face the wall.
“Hey, it’s me. I’m coming in,” you announced and waited for a few heartbeats.
No protest from Jaehyun. You moved your head, nodded at Taeyong and Jungwoo, and pulled the door closed behind you. When you had entered the dorm, you had already taken off your shoes, but now you also slipped out of your jacket, and it fell to the floor with a rustle.
On tiptoes, you approached Jaehyun’s bed and lifted the edge of the blanket. He wore a black t-shirt and checkered pajama bottoms, seemingly not having changed since this night or the one before. He wasn’t protesting, so you silently laid yourself next to him onto the mattress, pulling the covers back over you both.
Jaehyun’s body was warm, and you heaved up your left arm to drape it over his torso, nestling yourself against him and inhaling his scent. For a few moments, it felt awkward to you as he wasn’t responding to any of your gestures, and you were asking yourself whether what you were doing was even right or whether you were only making a fool of yourself.
But just as you were playing with the thought of leaving again, Jaehyun reached for your hand that had rested against his stomach and embraced your fingers with his palm, tightly. You let out a nearly vocal sigh of relief, closed your eyes and offered him your company like Taeyong had suggested.
At one point, you believed you had drifted off, so the voice was only faint, but you swore that he had said exactly these words,
“Thank you for being here.”
____
Withdraw from the group, Jaehyun. Don’t go on TV.
Just keep quiet, Jaehyun.
NCT’s Jaehyun, please keep to the social distancing guidelines.
Jaehyun, tell us some good restaurants in Itaewon.
Some hot places in Itaewon, too.
….
Jaehyun’s perfect image had gotten a crack.
On the vlive on comeback day, everyone acted normal, the jokes, everything. It wasn’t the first scandal NCT had faced, but the first one to involve their perfect main vocal all the girls were swooning over. That was why, on that specific day, they tried a bit harder.
“Thank you,” Jaehyun addressed the screen when he won the meat gifset, but he didn’t smile. He simply couldn’t bring himself to do so anymore as he had tried too hard in the past hour, and now all his energy had completely left him.
It had been hard for Jaehyun to force up a smile whenever he needed to speak to the camera, comments rolling over the screen, rendering his expressions icy. Usually, the section was filled with compliments on his good looks and other pleas for some kind of fanservice, but today, it was an endless stream of malicious comments.
Or so it seemed to him.
….
That’s hilarious. Go eat your meat at a club, Jaehyun.
He’ll eat that with his Itaewon fam and girls.
….
Taeyong had had his hand on Jaehyun’s chair and shoulders at times when he spoke, letting him know that he was there for him even though he couldn’t see the leader as everyone had to face the screen. Haechan and Yuta had also mentioned his name quite a lot, encouraging him to answer the questions, even though they weren’t the mcs. Yuta, along with Mark, had also tried to include him in their stories. Especially the first, who laid more on the quiet site in live broadcasts, had seemed to be more enthusiastic to include Jaehyun despite sitting quite far away from him.
Jaehyun was really grateful for that, for his brothers.
Yet, when the entire vlive was over and the cameras shut off, Jaehyun couldn’t help but to let out an audible sigh of relief.
“Thank god,” was he only thinking, “it’s finally over.”
It was the first time that he thought that. Usually, he enjoyed comeback schedules as it was the busiest, but also one of the greatest times with fans. But right now, Jaehyun never wanted to see a single one of them again.
Next, Jaehyun noticed Taeyong’s palm was back on his shoulder in a secure gesture. “The comments… please don’t mind them. The majority were from our true fans and very supportive towards your situation. You okay?”
Last night, after you were gone, he had slept in Taeyong’s bed for the first time since trainee days. And despite the night before consisting of little to no sleep for him, it was nice to have someone familiar by his side again during such hard times, so that he had been able to close his eyes for a few hours.
Jaehyun shrugged. He knew there was no point in lying to Taeyong. They had known each other for so long, he’d sense it directly.
“I just don’t know how to get over it.” A deep frown was forming a creak between his brows, his eyes glistening. “Tell me… will I ever get over it?”
To his dismay, Taeyong was smiling, but rather sadly, almost apologetically. “There are situations that are going to burn themselves into your soul. We live for great things and relish them, but hard times are the ones that threaten to rip apart who we are. You don’t have to let it get that far.”
Jaehyun couldn’t imagine that this deep pain that he felt would ever vanish. It came along with a certain agony and anxiety he had never experienced to this extent before. This turmoil of unfamiliar feelings was so strange to him that at times he felt like he wasn’t able to catch air.
Like right now.
“Jaehyun…?”
He gasped for air, but somehow, it wouldn’t find its way into his lungs. His heart was racing so fast, it felt like it was burning right in his chest. And the last time he remembered he had sweated so much was during dance practice, not after an hour of sitting.
Jaehyun felt like someone with an iron grip had embraced him and wouldn’t let him go anymore, constraining his mobility, the movement of his lungs. Or why else would it be so hard for him to breathe right now?
He started to panik.
“Tae-... I-... I can’t…”
“Okay, sit down.” Taeyong led him back to the chair, not letting go of his arm the entire time and seated himself on the stool next to him. “Yuta, please get a glass of water, quick.”
Taeyong was constantly carressing Jaehyun’s arm and shoulder, patting his back and whispering encouraging words to him that didn’t quite get through his haze of panik. He was shaking and murmuring that he was scared while Taeyong responded with even more carressing and encouraging words.
“Calm down. Breathe, calmly. It’ll be over soon. Listen. Slowly, draw breath through your nose. Count until four. Do you follow me? Okay… one… two… three… four. Hold your breath for seven seconds… six… five… four… three… two… one. Now breathe out through your mouth, but count until eight! One… two… three… four… five… six…. seven…. eight. Now repeat again. Breathe in…”
Half an hour passed by until Jaehyun could see clearly and breathe normally again. It was the first time that he had had a panic attack, and this only marked the beginning of several more.
That day, Jungwoo moved into Jaehyun’s room.
____
“Since Jungwoo moved in with him, he seems much better,” you told Seulgi, spinning in your small chair. It was the perfect metaphora to what was going on in your head.
It had been two weeks since your boyfriend’s scandal, and the internet had quickly forgotten. You had read online that people announced they would unstan NCT because of that, but that wasn’t something new to you, and the amount of people actually going through with it was so minuscule, it didn’t have an effect.
The group’s released repackaged album ‘Neo Zone: The Final Round’ marked their best-selling album up to now and their first to exceed over one million total sales. Things were going well for the band despite the US tour they had been looking forward to so much getting temporarily postponed.
Everyone had seemed to move on. But Jaehyun had a hard time forgetting.
“His panic attacks still occur though, specifically shortly before he has to show himself in public. He fears he’s doing something wrong and then obsesses about it. Only his group members seem to be able to calm him down. I feel so… helpless.”
That was also the reason why he had stopped doing vlogs or going live. Jaehyun had never been the most approachable idol, but one could still see that he cared about his fans and that they were important to him, giving them tids and bits of himself.
Now, he had entirely shut down, because he didn’t want people to think he was self-centered and selfish. It had grown so important to him what the public thought about him as a person.
“It has quite an impact on your relationship, right?” Seulgi asked you compassionately.
You nodded. “Shutting himself off of the public meant shutting me out, too. He barely texts or even calls me, because he’s afraid people can track his record. He’s taken down his private instagram, because he’s scared it might get leaked. He only wants to meet in the dorm, because he’s afraid someone could follow him. His entire life has come to a standstill, including the parts where I play a role. Where I can understand all this and try to make his life as easy as possible, not triggering his attacks, it’s just… so hard, you know.”
“I probably don’t have to tell you that being with an idol is never easy. We’ve known each other too long for that,” Seulgi elaborated, whisking the spoon in her cup of tea and placing it back on the table. “What I want to tell you is that you should put an end to enabling. You might not be aware of this, but enabling behaviors are common when the partner suffers from a mental health condition. If your partner has anxiety, you may feel like you are being helpful if you are working to prevent them from feeling any distress. However, when you enable your partner, it prevents them from learning how to better manage their symptoms. Communicate with him about your expectations and needs. He surely wants you to as well.”
“I can tell him that I still need to communicate daily to check up on him?” you asked carefully.
Seulgi moved her head up and down so eagerly, her sleek strands stuck to the fabric of her t-shirt.
“I can tell him that I think going out will be good for him?”
Again, a nod.
“And I can also tell him that I don’t want him to hide his attacks from me?”
“Absolutely!” Seulgi raised a finger. “And there is one more important thing.”
You widened your eyes. “Which is…?”
“Practice forgiveness.”
You didn’t know what she meant by that, and you voiced your insecurity.
“He might be angry with you for not understanding his condition. There might be times where you will feel like whatever you do is wrong. You cannot do everything right, all at once. And you, on the other hand, might get frustrated with him too. You might develop feelings of resentment, believing he doesn’t work hard enough to cope with it.” You already parted your lips to object, but Seulgi shook her head. “I know you think that you will never feel this way. But you’re wrong. At one point, we all do. And when you’re going to think this, you’re going to feel guilty. Then, you have to forgive him and forgive yourself as well.”
You already felt guilty for having been mad at him once when he had canceled on you. Aside from still hiding his attacks from you, he still hadn’t explained to you what you should do when he might have a panic attack as he wanted to avoid having you witness that at all costs.
“Practice forgiveness,” you repeated. “I see.”
“It helps you let go of pent-up tension and anxiety, and you don’t even have to enable for that. I specifically said ‘practice’, because honestly, forgiving is easier said than done and mistakes from the past get carried around way too long.”
“Seulgi…” You cocked up your brow. “You sound as wise as Taeyong. It’s eerie.”
“Of course. We’re the bestest of company friends!”
____
Jaehyun typically tended to keep his thoughts and worries to himself. It was a long, emotional ride until you got him where you needed him to be with you: straight-forward, raw and achingly honest.
There were times you talked until the crack of dawn, and even though you were not fighting in the conventional way, you were still raising your voices and crying. First, because everything seemed so frustrating. Then, because you felt like a huge burden had been lifted off the both of you.
With Covid merging into its second, graver wave, life slowed down again. Not only for ordinary people like you, but in the idol world as well. Jaehyun didn’t have to go anywhere anymore except for when mc-ing for Inkigayo, and he was already so settled there that he didn’t have problems being on camera.
Amidst a once so bright and hectic life, Jaehyun found beauty in the silence and peace earth had currently forced him into, probably at the right time for him.
He let time fix the crack in his perfect facade.
____
And here you were again, out in public, in hats and masks, but he was finally willing to meet somewhere else outside of his dorm, even if it was only in the park nearby. You had willingly waited for him to come for you, to make this decision himself.
Today, it was warm and sunny, but not many people were roaming around outside, so it was the perfect opportunity to get Jaehyun to adjust to public life again.
He wanted you to behave normally, not always asking how he was feeling about certain things or walking on eggshells around him. If you didn’t treat him normally, he wouldn’t know what normal was anymore, so you gave it your best as you walked around side by side, and also hand in hand as no one, except for a few elderly people, passed by you every now and then.
As you witnessed how Jaehyun was staying relaxed, you could let go of all the worries now as well. It was almost like before. Almost.
That was until you sensed his fingers cramping around yours, and his breathing now coming in hitches.
“Yun-” You stopped in your tracks. Then, you also heard the noises, most likely coming from young people around the corner.
“It’s okay,” Jaehyun calmed you down, and his hand loosened around yours. “Somehow… it’s okay. It’s going away.”
“Really?”
Taeyong had taught you the breathing method that he usually practiced when Jaehyun had a panic attack again. You had studied it together with him thoroughly in case it would happen when you were together. You were prepared, you were ready to accompany him through this.
“Really.” And then, his breathing became normal again. “It passed by. For the first time… oddly, it just withdrew.”
“How come?” You bent your head in question.
Jaehyun shrugged, but a soft smile was coming forward on his lips. “I don’t doubt that you play a huge part in calming the atmosphere. In keeping me calm. And that nature has this kind of effect on me too. It’s… healing.”
“I’m not doing anything,” you said, not quite understanding where this enlightenment came from.
But neither was Jaehyun. “I assume… that’s the two places where I feel comfortable and relaxed the most. With you. With nature.”
You didn’t let it show, but it was the best and most genuine compliment he could have given you. All ‘I love you’’s and ‘I miss you’’s aside, this message rooted from deep within, from the bottom of his heart, and he meant it all.
“You want to continue walking?” you asked and squeezed his hand in reassurance.
“Yes.”
If making him feel better, feel more relaxed, would mean touring the park for hours, then you would willingly and happily do so.
“I’m not sad about the US tour getting entirely canceled. I’m relieved even. Is that bad?” he suddenly opened up.
From the way Jaehyun worded it, it seemed like this was something that had been on his mind for a very long time and something that he hadn’t let the other group members in on. How would he be able to, when everyone had been brooding for weeks that the tour had suddenly definitely been canceled?
You shook your head. “If it sets your heart at ease, don’t ever feel bad for anything.”
“You sound like Taeyong. It’s eerie.”
You chuckled. “It rubs off.”
“But seriously… I’m relieved that I have more time to adjust to my new condition. To learn how to deal with it and live with it as the person I am now. The therapist says that I’m on the right path, and when I tell him about what happened today, he may acknowledge it as a milestone. I know people curse this entire lockdown that the pandemic brought along, but to me, it came at the right time. Life slowed down, and so can I. As idols, we barely have free time, and now, I have so much time in my hands, I don’t know what to do first.”
“Tell me about it,” you encouraged him. “I want to know about every single one of your plans. What’s on your long list? What did you always want to do and can finally convert?”
“I want to play more basketball. I want to play more piano. And you know what? I also want to write my own songs, compose songs again… yeah, that’s something I would want to do.”
Jaehyun was perking up and you really loved seeing this look on his face. Even through a mask his eye smile really stood out. And like his words, it was genuine and almost like before his world broke down. Almost. “Go on.”
“I also want to try simple things like baking. I’ve never baked in my life. Did you? Can you show me?”
“Of course.”
“Now?”
“Now?”
He nodded eagerly. “Now. We’re going to buy ingredients and then we’re going to bake the first cake of mine together.”
“Sounds like a good idea.”
If it made him happy, you’d do anything with him.
____
“Take them off.”
Swallowing down the lump in your throat, you unbuttoned your shorts and slid them over your bum, down your legs. Jaehyun gazed at your lacy, red underwear and slowly traced his fingers up your thigh, making his way under the seam of your panties. He pulled the fabric aside, baring you. You ran your hand up his chest and wrapped it around the back of his neck.
By gently running his fingers down the side of your face, he forced your lids closed. Only seconds later, you felt his tongue gliding up your slit, causing you to gasp and your entire body to tense.
“Oh, Yuno.”
“Shhhh, it’s in the middle of the night.”
“I don’t have roommates or anything.”
“But the walls here are paper thin too, so better be safe than sorry and risk awkward stares from your neighbors.”
Before you could retort anything, he licked you up and down slowly, dragging his tongue over your clit. Your fingers buried themselves into the thick linen of your sheets as Jaehyun latched out onto your nub, sucking it gently into his mouth.
You arched your back up, your front teeth sinking into your bottom lip, biting hard into the flesh as you opened your eyes up and angled your neck to watch what he was doing to you. Jaehyun groaned and swirled his tongue around you, tugging your clit out between his lips and diving back in for more, repeatedly.
The pulse between your legs throbbed as blood collected in your nether regions, causing the warmth at your entrance to expand as you simultaneously grew wetter. You hadn’t deemed it possible as you had already had sex before, but apparently, Jaehyun had another mission tonight.
It was the first time in a long while that he was in the mood for sex again, and even though the past weeks had been hard in that term, you had patiently waited until he was ready again - just like him in the beginning. And today was the day.
Jaehyun pushed up one of your knees, fully opening you to him, and started to go harder and faster, more intense and more greedy. His tongue licked, his lips grabbed and sucked until he covered you with his entire mouth, massaging and draping over your clit until your cries only came out as hollow whimpers.
When he finally dived in, penetrating you with his tongue, you begged for release. “Please, Yuno, please…”
You bucked your hips, trying to get deeper and meet him, your breasts swaying back and forth in rhythm. Moving with him, you felt the tingling constantly building up more and more as his tongue worked inside of you, now having support from his hand as well.
“Oh god, Yuno, yes, yes, yes!”
Every muscle in your body contracted so tightly, your orgasm exploded, spreading through your entire body to the very tips of every limb. If your neighbors awkwardly stared at you after this, it would have been totally worth it.
After the past, cloudy months, life seemed happy, normal for the both of you again in terms of personal matters. You spent as much time with each other as possible as the group barely had schedules, and to you, it felt like a relationship with someone who was not an idol. An ordinary guy. You wanted to enjoy it for as long as it still lasted.
“I’m so glad that you are much happier.” You tucked a strand of Jahyun’s hair behind his ear when he laid down next to you, but it got loose right away again.
He faced you from the side and brushed his thumb over your cheek. “Me too.”
____
But life during the pandemic was hard on the entire band.
At first, they had taken this idle state as an opportunity to work on their own, private projects, writing lyrics, composing, dancing and just doing the things normal young men did without the pressure of being idols. They discovered new hobbies, went to the gym and spent time with family and friends. They enjoyed having little to no obligations for once in their young lives.
But when month after month passed with no end to the pandemic in sight, with travel restrictions and with the entire world seemingly shutting down, they came to the realization that this state would probably not only be temporary.
Before, during comebacks, the group headed to the salon at 1am, left for the broadcasting station at 4am and rehearsed there until 9am. Then, they continued filming content for a few hours and had to be at the live music shows around afternoon where they only finished later in the evening if they didn’t have fan signings events. All that with only a few hours of breaks in between. The next day, this process repeated. Every single day.
You weren’t surprised that they enjoyed this quiet and peaceful lifestyle at first. But you also weren’t surprised when they slowly grew restless. Those young men were born for the stage, it was not only their job, but what they actually lived for, why they had come so far, and a few advertisements here and there couldn’t fill the void that was steadily growing inside each of them.
They were worried about their future that had once seemed so prosperous. Worried about whether a future as this band was actually still in the books for them as they had given up everything for it.
But Jaehyun was one of the few who didn’t worry much.
Despite life having almost come to a standstill, he had gotten an offer he couldn’t decline in the middle of the year. As each member of NCT began looking and hoping to establish a career elsewhere, the opportunity just flew into Jaehyun’s lap.
Of course he had played with the thought of being an actor. But in the past, all his possibilities had gotten declined, because he was so involved in the growing international recognition of NCT, and that was where his newly awakened curiosity stemmed from. For the first time since joining the band, he played with the idea that there was something else he would like to base his future on, something he deemed more relaxed with less pressure on public appearance than the schedule of an idol.
It had taken Jaehyun much time, many angry tantrums and more convincing reasons to have his management approve as they were mainly worried about what his fan base might think about him openly forming a relationship with someone, even possibly having to act out kissing scenes. They wanted to keep him entirely in NCT for as long as possible, for all the fame and popularity he attracted.
But Jaehyun didn’t care, and he went through hell and back with his management until they reluctantly acknowledged that during these times, it was the only way to not let him drift into the background and finally let him officially accept the role als Cha Minho in Dear. M.
Filming began in October.
____
“No message from him today either?”
You felt Seulgi rubbing soothing patterns on your back as you stared at your phone that was placed in front of you on the table. It had been an entire week without Jaehyun calling you, and the only sign of life came through a kakaotalk emoji three days ago. Since then, you had been left on unread.
“When we got together, he promised me something.”
“I know. I haven’t seen him lately either though.”
“I’m aware he’s filming, mc-ing and simultaneously preparing for the comeback next month, but is it so hard?” you complained, turning to your friend. “Just shooting the person, who you’re apparently in love with so much, who should be the one you think of the most, one single text by the end of the day to tell them you’re alive and okay? I don’t get it.”
“Sometimes, it indeed is,” Seulgi carefully tried to explain. “Sometimes, during comebacks, we try to squeeze 48 hours of work into 24, and we use the free minutes in between to just come down and rest, do things for us without worrying about anyone or anything else. We need that. Sometimes, it’s much harder than it sounds.”
“Even during such times, he usually managed to do it.” You let out a rush of air, suppressing the boiling anger that threatened to come out with your following words, “Since he started filming, we barely see each other, talk to each other. When we do, he hardly has anything to share with me and I do most of the talking. It’s been two months, and for almost just as long I feel like I’ve been single again. Am I demanding too much?”
Seulgi shrugged. “I’m sure that when you two talk, you can sort it out. I wouldn’t know either how it is to be an idol and an actor at the same time.”
“I asked him when I could see him again, but he didn’t even read that.”
“You know what?” Your friend arose from your seat. “Put on your jacket, you’re going over to the dorm.”
Your brows moved together to express confusion as you voiced your concerns, “I’ve never been over without informing him before.”
“Then it’s time. He sleeps at home every night, right?
____
“No, Jaehyun isn’t here,” Taeyong told you upon opening the door. “He hasn’t been here in a few days. He sleeps over close to the set, because he’s got a few night shoots ahead of him.”
“Oh.” You dropped your head, feeling like ordered food that hadn’t been picked up, so embarrassed as well.
And Taeyong noticed, his mien softening. “You… haven’t known.”
“No.”
On your way here, your disappointment had gradually shifted to anticipation, a touch of happiness even as you had hoped to see your boyfriend again. Now, every little approach of making you feel better about this relationship got destroyed by his band mate breaking it down to you that he had been gone for a few days already without informing you.
But it wasn’t sadness that settled in instead, replacing shame. It was burning anger, starting off as a low flame in the pit of your stomach that was fastly growing and threatening to expand into a full wildfire so intense, you would feel it in the tips of your fingers.
You weren’t worried that Jaehyun was cheating on you. This was something you had never considered to be stressed about, because if a man wanted to cheat, he would, and there was nothing one could do to prevent it. You had chosen to trust the man you loved, and you still did.
What worried you was that he might have let the importance of this relationship slip, neglecting it, neglecting you. And it hurt as hell.
“You know what I’ve been doing?” You drew your brows together at Taeyong’s randomness, your fists clenched as you silently remarked. “I was just finishing up a new song I composed. You want to be the first one to listen to it?”
You knew what he was trying to do. To be a good friend to you by suggesting that you didn’t need to have your time wasted after coming all the way here, and simultaneously being a good friend to Jaehyun by not disclosing to you further information about his whereabouts that might hurt you.
He was such a sweetheart, and you clearly understood more why Seulgi treasured their friendship so much.
Your fingers relaxed, dropping to your sides. “Sure.” You stepped into the dorm, and it was unexpectedly quiet. Most of the others must have all gone out. “How’s it called?”
“Dark Clouds.”
What a fitting title to your current mood as well.
____
“Everything okay?” Jaehyun asked you under his breath.
You nodded and pulled his face back to yours, the sweaty tips of his bangs tickling your forehead as your lips locked again in a hard kiss that left you both winded. His rhythmic thrusts inside of you jarred your body to every last fiber, and you tried to focus on all the favorable things he made you feel during this act despite your thoughts always drifting off.
Same hotel room, same short-lived night in the arms of your boyfriend.
You knew it was only a few hours that you could spend with him before you had to sneak out again as the other actors and actresses resided in the building as well, and you should better enjoy the very limited time you had together. But today, you felt especially insecure about your relationship.
Still having him move on top of you, you hugged Jaehyun harder against your chest as though to make sure that you were still present and somehow alive, and he let out an affirmative groan that broke through the quietness of rustling sheets and heavy panting, only the dim light of the bedside lamp giving you the possibility to catch a glimpse at his satisfied expression that you couldn’t relate with.
“...yes,” he whispered into your ear, his fingers curling into yours which he then pressed into the pillow. “Almost there.”
Licking you all the way up from the hollow of your chin to your lips, for a moment, you had the feeling to finally be able to let yourself fall and relish this very rare moment. But as soon as you weighed yourself in the safety of his welcoming arms, your mind went astray again to rather unpleasant thoughts.
Perhaps, it was because you hadn’t seen each other in two weeks again and wished for a few hours more. Most likely though, it was because of the smile which he now directed at you. The smile of which you knew didn’t differ much from the one he directed at every crowd whenever he stood on stage and that you experienced in person less and less.
He was here with you, physically. But you still missed him dearly.
You were far from being on the same page as his body convulsed on top of you, and the pain that you felt emotionally nearly turned physical as you weren’t able to share this special moment with him, that was how much it affected you, growing into tears that started flowing the second his body came down next to you.
“That was amazing.”
Jaehyun wanted to pull you into an embrace, sliding his fingers between your thighs already to finish you off himself, and he was still so in the mood that your disconnection totally passed by him, even when you turned to the other side, brushing off his hand.
It was not until the tears dropped onto the sheets, leaving a dark stain, and with you arising from the bed that he sensed something wasn’t right with you. And he was quick to react by grabbing you by your wrist, making you stop.
“Hey…” His voice was soft, attentive - a rare occurrence lately. But it came too late. “What’s wrong?”
So many things were wrong.
You considered yourself a fitting girlfriend for an idol in terms of tolerance, support and patience. But what you had gone through these past weeks, you didn’t wish upon your biggest enemy. The constant uncertainty, the minimum of communication, the lack of physical closeness. The sheer fact that your relationship had grown so unimportant to your boyfriend that whatever you did to prevent it, was to no avail.
It was like your boyfriend and the idol inside of him, who had been two different people in the meantime, couldn’t be differentiated anymore. It was like the Jaehyun who had jumped right into bed with a trainee after confessing his attraction to you was back. You could only desperately search for the person you loved in this idol’s eyes.
The person you loved would text you more than a one liner per week to keep in touch with you. The person you loved wouldn’t toss the pictures you had taken together into the abyss of their phone. The person you loved wouldn’t call you over for a few hours at night only like an escort girl. The person you loved would do everything in their might to show you that you were different from everyone else.
You couldn’t find this person in Jaehyun. Not anymore.
You knew that your boyfriend was still there somewhere, somehow, but you hadn’t seen him in so long already, and you wondered whether he could ever take off this idol’s mask ever again or whether this was the person he had turned into now and would keep. But you wanted to be with your boyfriend, not an idol.
“I want to go.”
You cried silently as you fished for your underwear and slowly dressed yourself despite Jaehyun’s protests in the background. He held your hand, he hugged you, he shook you, desperate to make you stay, but his voice seemed worlds afar, a montone ring only audible in your ears.
On your way out, you hit over a vase, but you couldn’t care less about it as you were only fixated on collecting your belongings and storming out of the room before his muscular arms would wrap around you again, and you knew for sure that this time, you couldn’t withstand for that long but would fall back into his embrace again once he touched you.
“Please! Stay!”
Jaehyun luckily struggled with his clothes, giving you enough time to open the door and closing it shut behind you a second later. Your shoes in your hand, you ran to the elevator, only hearing his room open again before you were gone from the floor.
At this very moment, you were more relieved than sad.
____
By the end of the year, NCT looked into a brighter future upon releasing their second studio album ‘Resonance Pt. 1’ & ‘Pt. 2’ as a whole, reunited group and stood on the big stage again.
It all came back. The spotlight, the fame, the success. Everything was going well.
Especially for the perfectly restored idol Jaehyun.
____
2021
“Congratulations on finishing filming!”
You had baked Jaehyun a cake. It had three soft and fluffy layers with raspberry buttercream between each of them, covered with vanilla frosting and an elaborate writing that was exactly the first word you had just now directed at him. It was also similar to the first cake you had baked together. But Jaehyun barely spared it a glance.
“I’m so tired.” He directly threw himself onto your bed, the mattress giving in under him with a squeak.
“You don’t want a slice?” Your gaze shifted between him and the cake, and you were so dumbfounded by this passive reaction to your surprise gesture that you didn’t quite know how to properly react.
“No, I’m still on a diet.” You didn’t see him rolling his eyes, but you clearly sensed it. “You know.”
“Filming is over. Aren’t you supposed to eat whatever you can now?”
“But this appearance is what will get me famous. Like Eunwoo.”
This time, you were the one to roll your eyes, and you did it right in his field of vision. You were so tired of hearing sentences like “When this drama airs, I will become more known in the acting world, getting more important jobs” or “It’s my springboard, I have to continue working hard and cannot slack off.”
With every sentence, he was indicating that the time before he had turned into an idol-actor wouldn’t come back, and the way he was behaving now still was proving it to you quite the hard way. There was no sign of Yuno anymore, and it had been so long since you had last seen him.
It didn’t feel like you were in a relationship at all anymore, and despite you doing everything in your might to change that, giving your all, giving your best, it was expected that your partner needed to meet you at least halfway. But Jaehyun didn’t even meet you at the starting point.
He simply didn’t care anymore.
Disappointed, but not surprised, you got a slice of cake for yourself and seated yourself at the table, quietly eating the cake while Jaehyun was playing on his phone, and you bit down every single tear that burned at the rim of your eyes. At least, he was planning on staying the night, but you knew that you only fooled yourself into thinking that this might save your relationship, clinging onto every last straw.
Your Yuno was still there, you knew that. He was just hiding behind this cold, indifferent idol that only seemed to care about himself. As long as you didn’t give up too, there was still hope that you could get him back.
“The 97-liners are going to a club tonight. They just texted me. Mind if I join them?”
This time, you didn’t try to conceal your disappointment. And your anger. “This is the first evening in two weeks that we’ve seen each other again, despite you being back for a few days already.” You spoke slowly and clearly, but not to get your point through, but to tame your pent-up anger.
“We saw each other at the dorm three days ago.” Jaehyun raised his eyebrows as though he really believed a sit-in with his band mates where he had rarely paid attention to you equaled a couple date. “Do you want to start this discussion again?”
“Hell yes I will!” You threw your fork back onto the table, your voice dripping with rage. “The past months, we’ve hardly spent time together! And no, I’m not counting the nights you sneaked me in and out of a hotel room like a prostitute! That’s what I am to you right now, aren’t I, Jaehyun?!”
“I told you I was busy filming, you knew I was busy filming!” He now sat up on the bed, annoyance drawn all over his face and his tone just as filled with fury. “I’m not only an idol now, but an actor as well! I will get busier! That’s my life! You knew before you got together with me!”
“I got together with a person who cared about me! About making this relationship work despite his job, despite his busy schedule! Not a celebrity with his head in the clouds who only cares about his career!”
Jaehyun sharply shot back at you, “Aren’t I supposed to make the most out of my life?! To live my dream, reaching for the stars?! Why would you want to be a hindrance?!”
“A hindrance?!” you shrieked in disbelief and pointed a trembling finger at him. “No! You don’t get to turn my words around like that! That’s not what I’ve been telling you, Jaehyun! You know I support your career endlessly! I’m your biggest supporter, your motivator, can’t you remember?!” Your finger then dropped to the cake and the writing on it that said ‘Congratulations’. “You don’t get to twist the story to your advantage, because you realize that I’m right!”
Jaehyun bared his teeth, the edges of his mouth turning up. That smile was not kind. Mean even, almost eerie. You shuddered at his slow, ice cold voice. “You think that you’re in the right alone, don’t you? Then try concentrating on your work with your girlfriend texting you all day long about unimportant stuff just to stay in touch. Try paying attention to learning the script and staying focused with someone at home blowing up your phone, because she doesn’t get enough attention. Try not growing dismissive and unattached to that person, because whenever you get a new message, a new call, it stresses you out, adding more pressure and strain to your already hard job. Try not starting to resent that person for all that. You think you’re in the right alone? Surprise! You’re not.”
There was no reason to be so nasty about it, using such hurtful wording, but Jaehyun was all that, every word like a dagger that bore into your heart. “Why haven’t you told me all that?” Your words, only like a whisper with water collecting in your eyes.
“Because, like every other girl before, you just won’t listen.” He was standing now, but made no move to get close to you, to pull you into an embrace and tell you that everything was going to be fine again, that you would work this out together. Instead, his following words were like a cold bucket of iced water that got poured over you all at once. “You just won't understand that every now and then, I can’t give you what every other guy could. Sometimes, the truth is that I don’t want to give it to you. Sometimes, I want to be a boyfriend. Sometimes, I want to be an idol. Right now, I want to be an idol and an actor, and most of the time, there is only room for two out of three.”
“I’m annoying you?” You felt like you got wrapped up in cotton, so sedated. “You don’t want me anymore?”
“God, why wouldn’t you-!” He led his fingers to his temples as though he was getting a headache from your questions. “Sometimes, it’s not about you! This time, it’s about me, what I want! I can’t give you ‘the boyfriend’, because it’s not my priority right now! I’m still young, there is so much I can still venture, and I want it all!”
“But that’s not how it works when you have decided to be in a relationship,” you disagreed, tears now streaming down your cheeks, yet he still didn’t seem to care. “You can’t just call me when you need someone to warm your bed. You made a commitment, you have to nurture our relationship, care about it. What is the point in not doing so, in shoving it away when it’s not convenient for you, when it doesn’t fit your schedule? You don’t want it anymore?”
Your stomach churned, and you suddenly felt so sick, having it run hot and cold down your spine. Had you really been suffocating him, demanding too much and not adapting to his circumstances and needs? Perhaps, requiring to stay in contact every day when you were exhausted and overworked wasn’t what your partner needed. But if it was what you needed on your end, how would you ever find a common ground?
Of course you had silently thought about breaking up. So many times already, if you were being honest, and the amount of thoughts revolving around that topic was only increasing with each passing day. But now that the proposal had vocally slipped from your mouth, you wished you could take it back.
You wanted him to deny it, to fight for you. But even now, he didn’t seem to care. For this Jaehyun, you wouldn’t willingly or happily do anything anymore. He had drained you of your perseverance, joy, goodwill, spirit and life, and had given you nothing in return. This Jaehyun didn’t deserve any of it. He didn’t deserve you.
“Why would you still want it?” was his monotone question in return.
You sank onto your knees now, your face buried in your palms. “Because I love you, Yuno. Don’t you… love me too?”
“I don’t know.” Again, no softness or feelings in his tone. “I don’t know anything anymore.”
When he walked out of the room shortly after, leaving you there alone in your puddle of tears, you realized you might have lost Yuno forever to the cocky, selfish Jaehyun.
____
Two weeks later, it was officially announced that the premiere of the first episode of Dear. M was going to be postponed due to emerging school time bullying allegations against the lead actress.
Only shortly before, you had officially broken up with Jaehyun after tip-toeing around that topic for so long. Even then, he hadn’t seemed to care much and had only responded with a shrug.
When the news about Jaehyun’s postponed drama had first reached you, you wanted to call him immediately, knowing how hard he had worked for it. Just because you had split from someone for you both to lead a better life, didn’t mean you stopped loving and caring about this person.
But you didn’t reach out.
____
Jaehyun was struggling with a heartbreak and a scandal at the same time. The latter again, the first was new to him in that intensity.
He knew it was best for you to let go of him as he hadn’t been able to give you what you were expecting from a relationship, and for him to not lose focus of what he still wanted to achieve in life. At first, he had only felt relief, as ruthless as it might sound, but it felt like a huge responsibility had been lifted off his shoulders.
Then, a few nights later, alone in his bed while scrolling through your old pics that he had kept buried in his phone, he had cried. And the night after that. And the night after that. Even now, two months later, this heavy feeling still laid itself around his chest, making it hard for him to breathe when he was alone, similar to his panic attacks in the past.
Only with this feeling, there was no method to lessen the pain.
“I’m not a kind person anymore, Taeyong.” Jaehyun kneaded his fingers as he was sitting in the grass, the warm spring sun warming his face under the mask. “I don’t know what happened. This is not me. I dread video calls with fans, and it shows. I don’t direct nice words at other people anymore, and they notice. I don’t care about feelings, about hurt anymore. What’s happening with me?”
Taeyong fiddled with the camera in his hands that he had used to take photos shortly before. He had brought his friend to this botanical garden to stroll around in nature as for him, it always held a calming and relaxing atmosphere, and this was something he suggested Jaehyun needed. Some healing time in one of his favorite places to be, pure nature.
“You’ve let this life consume you,” Taeyong broke it down to him, the harsh truth, and settled in the grass next to him. “You got lost. You thought you were going to be a big star, that you didn’t need anyone anymore. You started to only care about yourself and neglected the people around you. And I’m not only referring to your ex, but also to us. You pushed them all away.”
“Lost, hm.”
In the end, he had really come so far. Lost in this world, in this part of him that he had wanted to keep caged and only let out when he was in the spotlight. The part of him that savored his position on stage a bit too much - it had fully taken control of him.
Jaehyun ruffled his hair that was glistening in the evening sun. It was true that he had made everything a priority except for the people who had always been there for him. Stardom had gotten to his head, but he just hadn’t wanted to lose focus when the breakthrough was so close.
… until it had gotten stripped away from him all over, and the people who were left were the ones who had always been by his side. Except for you.
Jaehyun was aware that he owed you a big apology like the one he had directed at his group mates only the day before. But he just couldn’t bring himself to, because for him, it wouldn’t change a thing about your situation despite holding so many regrets.
Jaehyun still wanted to become big, and there was only so much time he could sacrifice for a working relationship. He couldn’t give you what you wanted. And at one point, he didn’t want to as well. You deserved someone who was like the Yuno you had had a great time with, not the Jaehyun right now, hungry for success.
And as he had feared in the beginning, it had all come down to that: his life had ruined everything you had built together. People like him came to destroy, they didn’t come to stay. It just didn’t work out with ordinary partners, no matter how hard they tried, how hard they fought. At one point, they would all need to give up. Even now, he remembered Soyeon’s words.
There was no end to this pain like there was no end to the ocean’s waters.
“How do you do it?” Jaehyun then asked Taeyong, and his friend knew directly what he meant without him having to elaborate further.
“Deep inside, I’m still only Taeyong. I didn’t lock that little boy away. I’m an idol, a composer, a leader, but I’m always also a son, a grandson and a friend. You have to embrace all of them. Don’t ever forget that.”
For Jaehyun, it was only so hard to be all of them at the same time.
If so, then he needed to let go of perfection - the sole thing he was made to identify with. If so, what would be left of him?
____
The school time bullying allegations surrounding the lead actress of Dear. M didn’t get resolved directly, and hence the premiere of the drama got postponed for an undetermined time.
Life slowed down for Jaehyun once more as he was also replaced as an mc on Inkigayo. And although some people in his group held grudges against him until now for the way he had acted so indifferent towards the band during drama filming, he entered his own redemption arc.
Jaehyun spent more time doing things for himself like playing the guitar, the keyboard or attempting to compose songs. He went to the gym with Xiaojun, accompanied Taeyong to his friend’s recording studio and even started playing basketball again with his non idols friends.
Still, he didn’t consider being in a relationship anymore at this point in his life. He wanted to learn how to love himself more, embrace all parts of him, the good and the bad, before he would find himself in the position to transfer this love to someone else.
Right now, he was practicing pulling up temporary shields to not let negative feelings consume him, getting out of bed every morning with positive thoughts despite cruel comments, and looking out for a bright future although there seemed to be never ending hindrances.
Jaehyun still believed in love, but it was also still not his priority.
____
By the time of the release of NCT 127’s third studio album ‘Sticker’ in September, Jaehyun was almost fully back on track with himself and his career.
‘Sticker’ was the highest pre-ordered K-pop album in one day and got sold over 2.4 million times within a week after its release. On top of that, ‘Sticker’ also became the highest ranking K-pop album on the chart in 2021, followed by the release of the repackaged album ‘Favorite’ that didn’t fall short in terms of success, making it the best selling album from the company.
But Jaehyun still wanted more. He didn’t only want to be an idol. As an idol, his success was limited. In five or ten years, he couldn’t and possibly didn’t want to be one anymore anyway when the contract ended and his band mates all decided to go their own ways, so Jaehyun considered getting a foot into any door before time ran up.
If they wouldn’t air ‘Dear. M’, then he would find something else, no matter how hard he would need to fight for it. And Jaehyun fought like a tiger. For every offer, magazine shoot, ambassador position, another drama, movie, the release of a solo song - to no avail.
So Jaehyun didn’t quite understand why they let him take on one of the lead roles in the remake of the movie ‘Bungee Jumping of Their Own’. Out of all romcoms which he had gotten offered that would make a great start to kick off his acting career, the management had decided that he would do this specific movie that immediately drew attention for its content.
But Jaehyun wouldn’t complain. He would adapt. Perhaps, not debuting with a romcom was exactly what he was looking for. Having to deal with such an extraordinary plot would get him some great recognition as a debut actor who didn’t go by the stigma of an idol rookie actor playing the dreamy playboy. His natural talent and hard working attitude would not get overshadowed by his looks, letting people see past his perfect outward appearance.
It was a great opportunity, and Jaehyun took it, positively looking into the future, full of hope.
____
Jaehyun didn’t want to continue anymore.
Yet, he stood on the stage of Gocheok Sky Dome and sang in front of all these people who were attending the first concert in the ‘Neo City - The Link’ tour when inwardly, he only wanted to disappear.
Witnessing how his band mates were jumping, singing and laughing around him and none of this merriness transferred to him, Jaehyun believed that he couldn’t feel anything anymore. But he needed to play along, jumping, singing and laughing with them.
Since the cancellation of ‘Bungee Jumping of Their Own’ due to the author’s religious beliefs and his management confessing that they had only used this news for clout, there had been more than one occasion where Jaehyun had thought about quitting all this, even standing on the big stage.
He had the looks, but they only wanted him to be the poster child of his band. He had the talent, but it didn’t get supported. He had the determination, but he was chained to a tight contract for a few more years.
What was it worth living for if you couldn’t live your dream?
He was currently feeling so lost again. And that was also the name of his solo stage��s name that night, ‘Lost’.
He had written it at a time when he was feeling lonely. He still did. Throughout the downs of the past months, he had wished that you were there to take him into your arms and comfort him like back then during his Itaewon scandal. But Jaehyun also knew that he didn’t deserve you thinking about him, and didn't deserve an ounce of your forgiveness.
Yet, he poured all his feelings into this song, hoping that somehow, they would reach you. That you would be scrolling through the internet later that night and stumble upon videos and articles, listening to the lyrics and knowing exactly that he was singing about you, even though you weren’t physically there.
….
“It's been a long time since you're gone
Still filled up with the scent of your warmth
And staring at a blank wall
Drawing what's been natural”
….
It had almost been a year since your break up, and for the most time, he had been blind to the truth. If you didn’t have supporters on the path to success and just dropped everyone along the way because you see them as baggage, who would be waiting for you once you’ve reached the greatest of heights? Who would stand at the top, cheering for you as you sprinted the last meters, sharing your happiness? And who would, at the same time, wait at the bottom to catch you when you fell just to help you up again?
….
“The days are empty and without you
It's just me on my side
But when my arms are around you
There's nothing else to crave”
….
Jaehyun tried so hard to bite down his tears as his feelings seemed to bristle all at once. On stage, he was so vulnerable, all eyes and cameras on him only, every tone heard, every expression monitored. But that was the only way that you could see him, hear him out, so he endured all of it. Jaehyun had so many regrets, but he also knew he was too late.
….
“But I need to say (Oh, I feel so lost)
‘Nobody else,’ but need you to stay
By any chance, it might've been too late, too late”
….
If you didn’t forgive him, then he only wanted to make sure that you acknowledged what he was singing. What he was still feeling after all.
But curtain call, and another two concerts passed by without another word from you.
____
2022
In January, NCT 127 won the daesang at the Seoul Music Awards. They were at the peak of their career.
But to Jaehyun, it still meant nothing.
In 2023, Taeil would be joining the army. Taeyong possibly after that, and with their leader gone, Jaehyun wasn’t sure whether they would stay with this constellation, shift entirely or each member going on doing their own thing. He probably only had one year left.
But Jaehyun didn’t even know what his own thing was. He was good at singing, playing instruments, composing, writing lyrics and even acting if he said so himself, but none of that seemed to get him to the same level as Taeyong, for example, who had released one solo demo after another on his Soundcloud. Of course Jaehyun had accompanied him and had been supported by him, but after long writing and composing sessions he felt even more confused than before.
With all of his solo projects getting either indefinitely postponed, canceled or beaten down by his own management, Jaehyun felt disheartened and discouraged. Like a failure, and even his perfect visuals couldn’t get him out of this slump except for pulling off a few grimaces when he got asked to do aegyo in fancalls once again.
He dreaded his current life. And he didn’t care about perfection anymore. From one day to the other, he just stopped caring about that. He was aware now that, even though it seemed like it from the outside thanks to his good looks and his public image, with everything real he had done and gone through:
Jaehyun was far from being perfect.
He had never, ever been. He had been forced to play this certain role since debut, and it had restricted him from living his best life, who he truly was and wanted to be.
He was a liar, and he was deceiving everyone, playing the charming prince when someone else inside of him, someone more real, begged to be set free, released into the world for everyone to see. Perfection was a curse and there was no one to lift it.
“You want to come to the studio with me?” Taeyong peeked through the door, but Jaehyun just pulled the blanket over his head and turned to the wall.
“No.”
He couldn’t quite remember the last day he had seen more than this room, most of his free time getting spent sleeping since the end of the promotions. Jaehyun was kind of grateful, no, more relieved, that there were no plans for a comeback soon or any kind of bigger job for him, so he could spend all of his time in his bed, far away from the spotlight.
The spot next to him on the mattress gave in, and Jaehyun rolled his eyes as he noticed his friend getting seated next to him on the bed.
“I liked the cocky, reckless Jaehyun from before more, even though he wasn’t a very nice person,” Taeyong said quietly, his fingers draping over the duvet where he assumed his friend’s shoulder to be, continuously rubbing soothing patterns into it. “At least he was woke. Alive. Lively. Most of all, I liked Yuno of course. Aside from being determined and full of light, he was also kind. This Jaehyun…” Taeyong paused. “This Jaehyun scares me.”
The sheets rustled, but Jaehyun made no efforts to show himself to his friend. Taeyong didn’t remember when he had last come out of his room either except for using the bathroom. Lately, Jungwoo usually brought food into the shared bedroom which he had mainly left untouched in the beginning. With time, Jaehyun’s appetite hadn’t increased, but at least he was now willing to eat half of each dish.
Taeyong also couldn’t remember the last time he had heard Jaehyun shower. And he must know, because when they had left him alone in the bathroom the week prior, they had to call for Johnny to break the door open, because Jaehyun had spent too much time locked in it, worrying all of them. In the end, he had only laid in the tub and blandly stared at the tiles for hours until the water had all run cold.
“Yuno is dead,” Jaehyun muttered under the blanket. “His dreams all shattered. He doesn’t have a future.”
“Then Taeyong is dead, too.”
“What are you saying… Without Taeyong, there is no NCT.”
“Without you, there is no NCT either.”
“But what can I contribute as an artist?” Despite his voice only coming out muffled, Taeyong suspected underlying frustration in his tone. “Apparently, I’m not a good enough singer, not a good enough rapper, not a good enough composer, not a good enough actor, not good enough… not good enough in anything! There is always someone a bit better. I’m just average, except for my face, perhaps. But even by that, there are people others deem as equally traditionally handsome. What do I have to offer, what can I contribute? I’m not like you.”
“You think being me is a free ride to everything? Almost all of my solo projects get ditched, postponed or entirely dropped. Yet, I continue on. It’s not our fault we don’t get supported, we all are aware of that,” Taeyong clarified.
“Why do I feel like the mistreatment isn’t as grave elsewhere?” Jaehyun stated his conception.
“The grass always seems greener on the other side. But trust me, it isn’t.” Taeyong continued, “And don’t even talk about you being average. You might not be the leader, but you’re the axis. You’re the one who grasps the balance, never wavering. To us, you’re in the middle, and the middle is responsible to keep the balance going. The middle is not average, the middle is a jack of all trades. It’s a very important position. What you just haven’t found is the identity for you as an individual artist.” Taeyong paused. “Your efforts will never betray you. All your efforts will pay off. Even if it’s not with this company. Even if it’s not now.”
Jaehyun remained quiet. He had heard Taeyong say this motivational sentence so often, but the last part was new. He pondered over it, and then came to the realization that it scared him, that he had been beat down and didn’t know how to get up again.
“I still want it. I don’t want to give up on being an idol just yet. It’s everything I’ve worked so hard for.” Little Jaehyun also had had a dream back then, and the Jaehyun now was shattering everything he had pathed the way for. “Yuno is not dead. He’s only hiding.”
“Then let him come out. Let him live,” Taeyong urged him. “You don’t have to. Let Yuno take over again, let him enjoy the things he likes, the things he’s worked so hard for, just a bit more. Let him take over again and let this Jaehyun rest for just a bit. We have to be patient, savoring what lies in front of us now. We all dream big, but perhaps, it’s just not our time yet to take over the world. Perhaps, we’re not ready yet.”
Now, Taeyong’s patting motions felt soothing, not heavy anymore. What Jaehyun hadn’t considered was that probably, all of his members felt his way.
He wasn’t alone.
The next day looked much brighter to him as he sat up in the morning and joined Taeyong for breakfast in the kitchen.
____
But coming out of this slump wasn’t easy for Jaehyun. He wanted to, he really did, but it was just so hard. On some days, he was laughing and joking and being productive, and on others, he simply didn’t get up, canceling meetings and schedules.
When one evening, he was sitting motionlessly at the edge of the bathtub again, too tired to get dressed in more than his boxers, droplets falling from the tips of his wet hair to his shoulders and too exhausted to even shave, he heard a knock on the door.
“It’s occupied.”
“... Please let me in.”
Jaehyun’s head shot upwards and his eyes widened. This couldn’t be… Within a second, he was by the door, the knob shaking under his grip as he struggled with opening it, but when he finally succeeded in doing so, he was looking into a pair of eyes he hadn’t seen in more than a year, but had dedicated an entire song to,
You.
When you looked back at him at that moment, you didn’t recognize Jaehyun at all. The person who stood in front of you looked like him, but he had nothing in common with the one who you had separated from last year.
So exhausted, so broken. So… lifeless.
You wanted to pull him into an embrace, wrap him into everything he lacked and you could share: happiness, independence, success and brightness. Where Jaehyun’s life had probably gone downhill, yours had been thriving, in your personal and work-related matters.
But you didn’t physically force yourself onto someone who was struggling. Instead, you smiled and made your way into the bathroom. You urged Jaehyun to sit back down on the tub’s edge with a curl of your finger. He followed your motion silently, and despite his lifeless interior, when you shifted around to him, you saw a glimmer in his eyes - short-lived and only barely visible, but it had been there. He was still there.
Only now, his eyes fell upon the set of fresh clothes you were carrying around. He didn’t even need to ask. He knew it was all Taeyong’s doing with the friendship you had been maintaining behind his back, and he couldn’t even be mad about it. He had decided to let you go, but Taeyong hadn’t.
“Lift your feet,” were the first words you directed at him, and willingly, Jaehyun heaved his right one up, and you dropped to your knees, pulling the sock over his raised foot, then over the other until both were covered.
Jaehyun shivered from the touch, not because your hands were cold, but because he hadn’t let anyone come close to him emotionally, but also physically lately. And because your touches set everything free he had been trying to keep hidden and under control ever since your separation, buried in a casket in the very pits of his iced heart. Now, the lock was on the verge of bursting, and he didn’t know how much he could still take.
You were here, you were so beautiful, and once again, selflessly supportive. He didn’t deserve you. But he let you continue.
Jaehyun let you ruffle his joggers, draping them around his ankles after slipping one foot after another into each leg, and let you pull it all the way up to his waist to fix it around his thinned middle with the band. You had brought along a plain t-shirt to dress him in as well, and Jaehyun willingly raised his hands without you needing to tell him to do so.
Goosebumps crossed all over his skin where your fingers grazed over his exposed body, and it was the first human touch he didn’t despise one bit after all this time. The opposite even, it made him feel alive, because it made him feel something.
At one point, when you helped Jaehyun get into the hoodie that came after, he caught himself wishing you wouldn’t stop dressing him. His entire body was engulfed with such a warmness that he thought his heart was going to explode. It was so overwhelming, he could barely take it.
“When did it all go so wrong?” were the first words he whispered, and despite you having prepared yourself for it, it still caught you off guard that Jaehyun suddenly started crying when you had expected yourself to fold first.
He still hadn’t gotten up from the tub, so you knelt once again, leaving a towel draped around his shoulders to catch the droplets falling from the strands of his hair while his tears, big and round, dropped on his new joggers, staining the fabric. You took his hands into yours, and they felt so thin and so cold as though all strength had left them for a long time already. His shoulders were shaking as he made sounds so painful, it broke your heart all over again.
Jaehyun was wishing that you two hadn’t broken up. That he hadn’t changed so much back then, rendering him blind to everything beautiful he had been surrounded by, the main attraction being you. He was also wondering whether he would still sit here in this mental and physical state if you had been with him all along instead, supporting him with love and hope.
But then he realized that yes, he would have. Because a relationship couldn’t have saved him from becoming the new Jaehyun he had turned into and destroying everything around him, even himself. Love wasn’t the thing to protect you and get shattered in the process, but to catch and heal you. He had never wanted any of that. Until now.
And now, he realized too, it was definitely too late as his gaze fell upon the golden band adorning your ring finger, with a small, shimmering stone on top of it.
You broke through the silence first. “I listened to ‘Lost’.”
“You did?” Jaehyun furrowed.
“More than once. Over and over again.”
He smiled mildly as he looked down, locking eyes with you. “Back then, I really felt that way.”
“Now, you don’t anymore?”
“I’m still lost. But now, I wouldn’t ask you to stay anymore when I was the one responsible that we weren’t able to work out.”
“Don’t say that,” you told him, your fingers squeezing his. “Perhaps, I always wanted too much. I should have been open to adapting our relationship, my needs to what was possible for you, what you could have given me. Perhaps, we both should have instead of enforcing our own demands.”
He concluded, “I demanded too much of you.”
“And I was too willing to happily give you every part of me, and in the end I lost myself.”
“So you were lost too.” You wanted to withdraw your hands, but Jaehyun held the right one in place, the tip of his thumb outlining the ring’s stone that rested there, almost like a threat to him. His view lingered, then shot back at you, and the look in his eyes was almost as lively as in the past, almost fierce, challenging. “But now you’re here. Why?”
“Because Taeyong asked me to.” Your breathing hitched, and you prayed he wouldn’t notice. “H- he thought that maybe I could be of help when… when nobody else could.”
“Why else?”
“Be- because the oth-”
“I don’t care about what the others said,” he made himself clear, his tone even surprising him as he had lately seldomly overheard it being so strong. “Why did you decide you wanted to come here?”
“I…”
“You…?” Jaehyun held his breath.
“Because I don't want to see you like this!” you finally spilled, your fingers curling into his, not separating. “I want to see you determined, bright, laughing, joking, and full of joy! I want you to see the world, to do the things that make you happy! I want you to fulfill all your dreams! You deserve being an idol, actor, everything you’ve been working so hard for, Jaehyun! I don’t want you to watch it all go down the drain, because life decided for you to take detours, throwing hindrances at you. I believe in you. I believe that one day, you will have all the success, live your dream and be thoroughly happy. I want you to have all that!”
Jaehyun swallowed, hard. “Even if it’s not with you?”
“Specifically, it shouldn’t be with me.” Tears blurred your vision just like his, but you didn’t care. “I shouldn’t be in any of your dreams. You should build your future around what you, and only you, want.”
“In the entire idol world, you were the only thing that was real, my connection to the real world. I have lost you, and look what I have turned out to become.” His voice was shaking, and as you wiped your tears, you saw that he hadn’t stopped shedding some either.
“That’s not true.” You smiled, the corners of your lips tasting salty. “Yuno is your connection to the real world. Yuno is still there. Right now, I see him, and I feel him. Don’t cage him, let him see the world. But don’t drop this Jaehyun either. He’s strong-willed and powerful. Find the right balance between the two of them.”
“You believe in me nonetheless?” A little sigh of relief escaped from Jaehyun’s lips as he awaited your reply.
Through the tears, you kept your positive, earnest expression. “Jaehyun, I will always believe in you. But you need to believe in yourself too. You can do it.”
That was when Jaehyun realized that it might not only be a slump, and that he needed to see a therapist. If he wanted to be thoroughly happy again, he didn’t need love. Love didn’t propel him forward. He needed long term professional help again.
“Thank you.” Merely a whisper from Jaehyun.
Gratitude, but also a goodbye, you both knew it as you still rested on your knees and Jaehyun on the tub’s edge, and you stayed like that for only a bit longer.
____
“It's been two and a half years since I came to Japan.”
Jaehyun stood on the big stage again and savored the spotlight, surrounded by over 70.000 people.
The bright smile on his lips was honest and accompanied him throughout the entire evening. A total of 220.000 in the biggest venue in Japan on three days still couldn’t fill the parts inside of him that he had lost along his way here, the hole in his heart was just too big. But it had gotten temporarily fixed with the love of his family, friends, members and, of course, his fans.
He wasn’t perfect anymore, and he didn’t need to be. He didn’t want to be. He owed it to no one.
But until Jaehyun would be rid of that imagine, it would take time - if he would ever get this far after all these years living up to it. But he didn’t put himself under so much pressure anymore to maintain being someone he wasn't deep inside.
Jaehyun knew that the path to the person he had ideally laid out to be was still long. Perhaps, the damage that had been done was too grave to ever reach him - a mix of Jaehyun and Yuno that was patiently waiting at the very top of the mountain - but Jaehyun would try his hardest to reach this new version of him, the best of both worlds. Even if he would miss his aim, he wanted to leave the part of his life behind that beat him down till he was too emotionally damaged to continue.
Everyday, he got up. Every day, he fought with himself. Sometimes shorter, sometimes longer. But every day, he chose to get up.
And when one day, he felt too mentally or physically exhausted to put up a fight for longer, he gave up. But only for one day. Once in a while, it was alright for him to let himself rest, to let his heart rest. He owed it to himself. These days, he and his therapist officially called ‘rest days’. The other days, when he actually got things done, were called ‘sunny days’.
“I only went back and forth from the hotel to the practice room, to the concert hall. I didn't realize it, but after seeing you guys I realized it! And I feel alive. Thank you for making me feel alive!”
This time, these words were no lies.
Where idol duties and fan service had been such a hard burden to him before, because he just hadn’t felt anything toward them anymore, he was now letting all the love stream into this hole the past months had left. And almost, but only almost, his heart felt close to getting entirely patched up again during these moments. Only a tiny part was still missing.
Perhaps, one day, Jaehyun’s heart would be whole again. Perhaps, it would entirely stay this way, incomplete. Perhaps, the ‘rest days’ would pile up until they prevailed over the ‘sunny days’. Perhaps, he would see his therapist more often then. But if, on the ‘sunny days’, he always felt like this, then he was sure that every morning, it would be worth it to put up a fight, no matter the outcome. At least he would have tried.
Jaehyun had it all again. And he felt so alive.
“Even though I wrote ‘Lost’ when I was lonely, I am happy now!” he told the crowd, and they cheered.
When he was singing ‘Lost’, he didn’t think about you anymore.
He thought about his dark phase and how the ‘sunny days’ were much more fun. And he thought about how on ‘rest days’, he feared that they would stay and that he would never see the ‘sunny days’ again. But then, he closed his eyes and captured the moment. The music, the atmosphere, the crowd, his life.
And chose to stay.
Right here, on this stage. As an entirely changed man. On a sunny day even when it might be raining outside.
____
In June, Jaehyun flew to Italy to attend Milan fashion week and was officially chosen as Prada’s ambassador shortly later.
At the end of the month, ‘Dear. M’ was finally released and got him the attention with his acting debut, his performance critically acclaimed.
In July, NCT 127 celebrated their 6th anniversary, and Jaehyun’s message to his fans came from the bottom of his heart, every syllable seeped with sweet, almost painful honesty,
Thank you to Nctzens who have been with us for 6 years.
I’ve said this during the live, but as time goes by, I feel like we have gotten closer and more comfortable with each other compared to the previous year.
I always think that I am here because of you guys' presence.
Thank you for always supporting us, let's stay together for a long time.
….
In the same month, Jaehyun was on Elle Korea’s August issue.
By the end of August, Jaehyun also released his own, original project on NCT lab.
And there was much more to come.
Everything Jaehyun had worked so hard for eventually came around.
His efforts were starting to pay off.
____
2023
Of course you had regretted your separation from Jaehyun, from the very first moment on.
But that love hurt. And love wasn’t supposed to hurt. It was supposed to tend and to heal. To fill the little parts in your heart that were still open and incomplete, maybe even bleeding. But it wasn’t supposed to rip it all open, deepening the wounds.
Loving Jaehyun had been pretty and ugly just like the idol world was equally pretty and ugly.
As a girlfriend, you were tough and steady. As Jaehyun’s girlfriend, even you had eventually succumbed to this world he used to love so much. You didn’t want it to swallow every good part of you like it had done with Jaehyun, so you had let him get eaten by the sharks.
You had so many regrets.
If you had been there, would it all still have turned out the way it had? You didn’t know despite Taeyong always trying to convince you of the opposite. What had happened to Jaehyun had no relation to you, and if you hadn't left, he would have dragged you down with him. He just hadn’t been ready yet, and to fully become the person he wanted to be, he had needed to let go of you, too.
So you had worn a fake engagement ring on the day you had gone to the dorm to get him dressed.
The tears shed in the bathroom had not only been tears of sadness upon seeing him so broken in front of you, but also because you needed to walk all over his feelings, and over yours too, suppressing every lingering love you still held for him. And only on that day you had realized that it still was so much, you cried yourself to sleep.
But watching Jaehyun become the person he had always wanted to be made up for all the pain you carried in your heart until now.
In the videos online, you didn’t see the Jaehyun from back then anymore, the mean one and the broken one, that was clear. Jaehyun and Yuno, they had both merged into a person who knew themselves really well, what they wanted, what they needed and what they could give to others. That person radiated confidence and was full of light.
You could also see that clearly when you got out of the car, scanning the venue and looking for him until you saw him walking in your direction from across the street, raising his arm to give you a sign to wait, he would come to you.
Today, Jaehyun had finished filming for another project, and despite the coldness that lingered out in the open, you had decided to wait outside, because you were so impatient to finally see him again.
You just didn’t know how he would react after Taeyong had confessed your little stunt to him. Taeyong also wouldn’t tell you. But you were prepared for everything after Jaehyun had arranged this meetup. For him to curse you out, to say how disappointed he was, to tell you to never meddle with his life again - you were prepared for everything.
Except for what would actually come.
Outwardly, he hadn’t changed much from what you perceived except for the color and style of his hair. But you knew that his heart was entirely different from when you had last seen each other. And it made your heart thumb a bit faster, getting you all nervous.
You couldn’t quite read his expression as Jaehyun was apparently cold as well and hiding half of his face in the security of his parka’s hood as he greeted you, “Hi.”
“Hi,” you greeted back, a small cloud forming from your breath as you scanned him from head to toe.
“Let’s go.” He nodded with his chin. “I want to take you out. You’re ready?”
You stilled, your eyes widening with a little shaking of your head. You were taken by surprise. “Taking me out? Right now?”
He nodded again, and gradually, the corners of his lips tilted up to a warm smile that melted your heart as he showed more of his face. His eyes were genuinely smiling with him. “Right now. We’ve lost so much time, I don’t want to wait a day longer.”
You were too stunned to reply. Him standing in front of you after such a long time and asking you out seemed so surreal to you. It made you nervous and excited, a touch of falling in love all over again like in the beginning. “I thought you hated me,” you eventually blurted.
“Why would I feel so?” He cocked a brow.
“Because I lied to you.”
“Nobody lied to me,” Jaehyun concluded calmly. “I talked myself into believing what I saw without asking. Nobody told me you were engaged, none of us mentioned it. I’ve decided on my own will to move on from you upon seeing the ring. By all means, it could have been a normal one.”
“And..?” You gulped. “Have you? Moved on, I mean.”
“I did.”
Admittedly, this answer hurt like hell. You should have expected that after almost two years. You only brought out a nearly silent, “Oh.” Then it wouldn’t be a date like you had hoped for, but only a catch up between two acquaintances.
But Jaehyun also added, “That doesn’t mean we can’t get to know each other again. Learn about us again. About our lives, habits, aims, dreams… And see if they align.”
“Align…?” You blinked. “For…?”
“I’m dating to settle, to marry.” Again, he was hiding half of his face in the collar of his parka, so you couldn’t interpret his expression.
You still smiled though. So he did want to take you out on a date. You really wanted to get to know him again as well, the person he had become as his career was rising, the person who truly wanted you to be in his life again, who had whole-heartedly decided on you.
This person was more mature, having determination and sternness in their soft, brown eyes. They wanted career, the spotlight, the fame, because that was where their passion stemmed from.
You opened your mouth, but Jaehyun stepped forward, grabbed you and pulled you hard against his chest. You instantly closed your eyes when he wrapped his arms around you and shivered, warmly, when he pressed a kiss into your hair. “Before you answer, you should know that I missed you. So much.”
“I missed you too.” And then, you finally said, still in an embrace. “Okay. Let’s try again.”
Jaehyun was holding you close in position, and from his tone alone, as you were quietly resting against his chest, you swore the tips of his ears turned pink and he scrunched up his nose cutely as he said, “If you’ll find yourself in a position to love this Jaehyun in the future, I promise to you that I won’t ever disappoint you again.”
You already did. You had never stopped. But you kept it to yourself for now.
Amidst the cold, you were feeling warm in his arms. And amidst the clouds, you felt the sunshine on the tip of your nose. Today was, despite the cloudy weather, a sunny day.
You weren’t scared of loving this Jaehyun.
____
NOW
Hey y/n.
I never wanted to be an idol.
Back then, if I had to choose between becoming famous and starting a family of my own, I would have decided on getting married and having children. I would have wanted to be like my dad. A good dad, always there for my children whenever they need me, passing on advice and insights like I have experienced with my own parents.
That would have been my answer if I were still a teenager.
But dreams change. Just like people.
I cannot start a family at the peak of my career anytime soon. And that’s the problem. I love my life, my job. It’s just this world that I hate. This world that forbids me to have both, you and everything I’ve worked so hard for these past years.
But I want this all, I want this so bad, even more than pursuing the dream of children of my own at this moment.
I want to stand on the stage, sing, make music, and be an ambassador, a model, an actor, all of that. I want to have an impact on people, I want them to see me, acknowledge me and everything I succeed in doing. It’s what’s giving me life, the motivation to continue. This is what I’m currently thriving for.
I want this so bad.
But I want this all with you.
Life is a process of changing and growing, you don’t follow one path from birth until the end. There are detours, forks and hindrances. But as long as you have determination in your heart and confidence in your eyes, everything is possible.
I want to start over again with you. I have the energy, I have the passion, I have the drive to do it. And I believe in it. I believe in us.
It’s not only the bad times where I should feel like needing you. It’s when I feel like that I’m at my happiest, when I actually don’t need someone by my side, I wish that you were here to share my feelings, too.
I want to laugh with you, celebrate with you, cry tears of joy with you. And if you could even be there when times get bad, when I hit rock bottom again, I promise I won’t pull you down with me. I will let you hold me, hold me tight and make it better. And I will rise from the ashes again just like the sun rises every day.
I can’t do this with anyone else. It has to be someone in particular.
It has to be you.
I don’t know where I will be in five or ten years as the future is never set in stone. I might still be an idol, an actor, an ambassador, a model, all at once, or none of them, perhaps a father already. And if I’m neither, I’m still a son, a grandson, a boyfriend or a husband.
But above all and always, I will be Yuno, and I will be Jaehyun.
And I want to be yours.
Always.
#Jaehyun#jeong jaehyun#jaehyun imagines#jaehyun scenarios#jaehyun smut#jaehyun x reader#jaehyun x you#jaehyun x y/n#nct smut#nct imagines#nct scenarios#nct x you#nct x reader#kpop scenarios#kpop imagines#kpop x you#kpop x reader
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a bunch of Mission Impossible fic recs
hi, i'm sorry for conning so many people into this fandom. here's some reading material.
Easy Open, by helenish
“So you and Hunt are a package deal these days,” Bryson says.
“Uh,” Benji says, jerking his head up from his computer, ballpoint in his mouth.
Ethan/Benji. Definitely the first thing you should read after watching the movies. This is my favorite kind of one-shot, the kind that manages to convey the weight of history like a 60k fic in such a compressed space. When I talk about using sex scenes to convey something about the characters, perfect example is the set dressing around the one here where the title drop happens. Way to say so fucking much about the characters through sheer implication.
in the details, by helenish
Ethan: We have an even bigger problem. Ilsa.
Benji: Ilsa. Our Ilsa?
—Mission: Impossible — Fallout (Paramount Pictures, 2018)
Ethan/Benji/Ilsa. This one is so fucking dense and amazing. I love the way Ethan is just so fucking in love with both of these people and keeps imagining them fucking and feels terrible about it, you just want Benji and Ilsa to put Ethan out of his misery, but ALSO this is hardcore physicality porn. The scene with Ilsa on Benji's shoulders is better than any sex scene I've read this year.
I'm With You, by fictionallemons
Luther's getting married again at a private resort on a tropical island. Only there's a mixup with the rooms and Benji and Ethan have to share. No big deal, right? One bed. Two friends. No problem. Ha.
Ethan/Benji. I keep rereading this one because it just has such intense longing and familiarity in it. The way it portrays Ethan and Benji as a unit, a foregone conclusion even they themselves haven't quite figured that out, is perfect. Also I love the way Ethan handles the bed situation, the low grade annoyance he has at the repeated question. Benji, get a clue, my man.
Someone New, by fictionallemons
After Fallout, Benji thinks Ethan and Ilsa are together and he only wants to be happy for them, even it kills him to see Ethan with someone else. He's got to try to get over Ethan. But some things are just impossible.
Mutual jealousy, mutual pining, cute texting, and a happy ending, of course.
Ethan/Benji. LOOK, THE WAY TO MY HEART IS ETHAN BEING JEALOUS AND NOT HANDLING IT WELL. Also the fact this fic acknowledges Ethan's emotional growth from Fallout, chef's kiss. But really the moment when Ilsa's like "Seems we missed the show" and Ethan says "I wish we had" ETHAN OH MY GOD. Also the subtle way Benji is needling Ethan a little, subconsciously at least-- it's good!
it takes a lot (to know a man), by thistableforone
"So I just… want to remind myself that we're alright."
He says it like that, with a general we that sounds more like a specific you. And because Ethan does know what it feels like, he doesn't question him any further. If Benji needs to spend time with him to feel better, he won't deny him.
Takes place after Fallout.
Ethan is recovering and Benji goes to live with him to help
Ethan/Benji. A longer one, hell yeah. This one truly wallows in the aftermath of Fallout, which is where my brain lives 90% of the time, so I appreciate it. Also Ilsa pointing out why the fuck did Luther give her that speech but not Benji-- finally someone said it. But really this fic is about Benji and it breaks my heart.
magnetic field being a little too strong, by oopshidaisy
“This is strictly recon,” Ethan says. It’s maybe the seventeenth time he’s said words to this effect since they arrived at the party. “We can’t do anything that’ll raise suspicion. Understand?”
Post-Rogue Nation. Benji and Ethan go undercover and find themselves in one of those spy jams that only surprise kissing can solve.
Ethan/Benji. This is the one with the INCREDIBLE passage about Benji realizing why Ethan's never been slapped for pulling the fake kissing thing on missions. Also I love how... this feels like a date. To Ethan, this is a fun mission with his Benji, and it feels like it. Benji's voice here is pitch perfect, feels like its right out of Rogue Nation.
The Missionary Position, by matchsticks
Ethan and Benji have to pretend to be a married couple for a mission.
Well, Ethan and Benji are already a married couple, but now they have to pretend to be pretending to be a married couple for a mission, and the rest of the team has to help them keep their secret. It'll definitely all work out fine. Probably. Hopefully.
Ethan/Benji. Listen. This one is hilarious.
THERE, there's some stuff to get you started, folks! and you can always hit up mine. I have periphery (in which everyone Benji works with is a little in love with him and Ethan just doesn't deal well), all i need is a certain trigger (in which Ilsa and Benji are in the Syndicate and Ethan trips into romancing them both), and the big AU you'll need a new name to survive this (in which Benji is Ethan's physical therapist and a lot of things start to change)
Looking over all this, it seems my favorite thing is when Ethan is just unhinged and Benji is unfortunately into that.
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We Gotta Have It Out
Description: Ethan gets wasted and confesses his feelings to Bestfriend!Reader. I copied a lot of things from the Little Women movie (2018)
Author’s note: this is my first time writing a fic and I didn’t check for mistakes before posting so bear with me 🙏. I might write a part two if anyone wants it
Frat parties are bad enough as it is, how could they get any worse? That’s what you thought before your best friend (who had begged, practically cried for you to come with him) ditched you for the cheap alcohol everyone seemed to be offering him. You were so embarrassed that he had talked you into coming to this party, you had even gotten all dressed up. You decided you wouldn’t let all your effort go to waste and walked over to the table of drinks in hopes of finding someone to distract you. You found the perfect target, he was tall, towering over you even in your six inch heels. He was cute enough,“Want a drink?”he asked, two cups in hand. “Yeah, what is it?” you asked taking the cup from him. You were about to chug the entire thing, not caring what it was until you felt someone’s hand on your shoulder “Y/n, you have to help me, he keeps asking for you” said Chad. You already knew what he was talking about, you put your drink down and ran up stairs, looking for Ethan. You stopped in front of the bathroom door, listening to see if you could hear Ethan, and then knocking cause you’re growing impatient. “Y/n…” you push the door open, Ethan is sprawled out in the tub, still wearing his ghostface costume. “What is it, Ethan?” you say, crouching next to the tub to meet his eye level “I need to tell you something” he says, giggling and hiccuping. “I don’t want to talk to you when you’re like this..” you say, holding his hand. “Now sit down” you help him out of the tub, he sits down on the bathroom floor with you. Leaning his head against your shoulder “Can I tell you now…..please?” you scoot away from him “You’re burning up” bringing the back of your hand to his forehead “I’m gonna get you some water, stay here..” You get up and open the door to leave “No….I still need to tell you” he says, putting his hand on your leg to keep you with him. “If I listen, will you let me leave?” already annoyed, you sit on the sink “Maybe…” he says, looking up at you with a stupid look on his face “Okay, don’t fight me on this..” you raise your eyebrow at him “Listen, I know I get on your nerves and everything but I’m your best friend. This is really gonna piss you off….but you have to hear me out” “…Get to the point already, so we can leave” you say, not really paying attention to what Ethan is saying. “I’m getting there, so….we’ve been friends for so long, and you know everything about me, except one thing..” you cut him off “That you’re a pain in the ass?” you say , jokingly. “…Don’t be like that, please, I’m serious.” his all of a sudden urgent tone and yearning gaze make you realize what he wants you to know “No, no. Stop it, Ethan” you get off the sink, not wanting to hear anything he has to say “It’s no use y/n, we gotta have it out. I’ve loved you ever since I’ve known you, I couldn’t help it” he’s tearing up and his voice is cracking at this point “You’re drunk, I don’t believe you.” tears welling in your eye “You have to believe me, I need you to.” he says, begging you to hear him “We can’t, it wouldn’t work. I love you, I can’t let you do this to yourself” he shuts his eyes and tries to catch his breathe “Just say yes, we can figure it out. We love eachother, isn’t that enough?” you get down to your knees and hold his hands “It would be a disaster, you know it” “Why does everyone expect it then, you’re wrong. We would be so happy together” he puts his hand on your tear streaked face “What am I supposed to do with myself? I need you.” it’s your turn to beg now “I’m looking out for you, you meet someone that you actually love and you’ll thank me” he brings both of your heads together, holding you “I can’t love anyone else y/n, I only love you” you bury your head into his neck and bring his shuddering body as close to you as you can “I love you, I love you” Ethan says, kissing your neck, still struggling to breathe after crying so hard. You still hadn’t stopped crying, but somehow you felt the happiest you’ve been in a long time.
Maybe Ethan was right, maybe this could work.
(Writing requests are currently open 🌟)
#ethan landry x reader#ethan landry#ethan landry x y/n#ethan landry x you#ethan landry x fem!reader#ethan landry x best friend! reader#scream#scream 6#catalinas-cure#ethan landry smut#ethan landry fic#ethan landry fluff#ethan landry fanfiction#ethan landry blurb#ethan landry drabble#catalinas cure
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when we were 18 - eh
ೃ⁀➷ erling’s masterlist
ೃ⁀➷ erling’s taglist
ೃ⁀➷ masterlist
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
December 10, 2018
“You know what scares me a bit?” You said suddenly, breaking the comfortable silence that lingered in the air between Erling and you.
“What?” He whispered back, a bit sleepy after an hour of cuddling on the couch. You felt his arm squeezing you while he stumbled back to consciousness.
“The future.” You tilted your head to look at him. “Sometimes it scares me how uncertain it feels.” This confession was a very scary one to make. Even though you were still young and had all your lives ahead, doubts about what would happen to your relationship always filled your mind.
“What do you mean, elsking?” He fixed his position, propping himself on one elbow to look at your face. His eyebrows were furrowed, making his distaste obvious. “What’s uncertain about it? We’re going to make it. Together.” He said the last word with such conviction that you felt the need to cry.
It had to be obvious, because one of his hands caressed your cheek, his eyes never leaving yours as you put your hand on top of his, stroking his fingers with a light touch. You hated to bring that expression to his face, but you also needed to say what you were thinking.
“It’s just that…” You took a deep breath, wanting to keep away the knot that was forming in your throat. “Sometimes I see you, so hungry for more, so focused on your goals and your career… I don’t want to hold you back. I’m not as determined as you; what would happen if...?” You sobbed, closing your eyes to not let the tears leave your eyes. “You’re going to Austria so soon, and I… I can’t come with you.” Deep down, you were also ashamed to confess the next part. “I’m scared that you’ll want to break up because of the distance.”
You felt like such a bad girlfriend. He made it. Finally, a team bigger than Molde had signed him. He was closer and closer to every important league, and there you were, having still one more year of high school while your boyfriend was moving to another country to play football for a big team. And the worst part was that your biggest preoccupation was your relationship status and not his happiness. Why were you being so selfish?
“No! No, I would never do that. You’re my everything.” He said, brushing your tears as they fell. You felt his kisses on your forehead and temples, which made you slightly smile through the tears. “I wouldn’t let us down, not now, not ever. We’re going to be together no matter what, okay? Distance is just one sacrifice we have to make for a year. Okay?” You nodded, daring to open your eyes to look at him. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
July 21, 2019
“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Erling, happy birthday to you!” The loud round of applause made Erling flinch as his embarrassed expression looked back at you. You knew he hated this type of thing, but you also knew his family enjoyed it, especially since he had finally come back for a tiny bit thanks to the vacations.
Your heart raced as you all gathered to watch him blow the candles, make a silent wish, and thank everyone for attending this improvised get-together. It’s been a couple of days since he made it to Norway, but you still couldn’t believe he was really here with you. All those months of quick visits, video calls, texting non-stop, nights full of crying for how much you missed him. It was all coming to an end.
“I can’t believe you made me do that.” He whispered against your neck as you leaned to hug him by the shoulders.
“I know, but your mom wanted to sing happy birthday.” You giggled, brushing a hand through his short hair. “Happy 19th birthday, baby.”
“You’re the best gift of the evening. I love you.” His eyes sparkled when you touched his cheek, and you knew that all these months were worth it.
Because he was here, with you, after all. And you loved this man so much that sometimes you felt like your heart could explode.
“And you have no idea how much I love you, Erling.”
He smiled before kissing you, leaving you breathless after his hand let go of the back of your neck. His family and friends were all scattered around the patio, so you felt free to sit on his lap and be as clingy as you wanted. You’d always loved to sit like this, with his arms around you and his hands massaging your back, just looking at each other. You felt so protected and loved.
“I need to tell you something.” He said out of nowhere, making your heart skip a bit. You knew that tone. It was the same one he used almost a year ago when he decided to move to Salzburg.
“What?” You had been together for two years, and if you’d learned anything about your boyfriend, it was that he only said a decision out loud when he was sure of it. And from the look on his face, it was something big. He had made a decision that could change his life, and he felt ready to tell you.
“I’m not staying in Salzburg for another season.” That phrase alone got your hopes up for a few seconds, only to drop them instantly into the underground. If he wasn’t staying in Austria, he was moving elsewhere.
“England?” You whispered, knowing he would understand what you were asking.
“Not yet.” His grip tightened around you. “But if it’s the country I’m thinking of… I want you to come with me.” You both stayed silent, then he took a deep breath. “Please…”
Your mind raced. You knew it would be difficult, and that perhaps it was a highly stupid decision to just drop your whole life and move countries for your boyfriend, but your heart— and mind—only thought about him. There wasn’t any way that you could spend another year (or years) apart. What would happen if you decided to study in Norway, and then there wouldn’t be time available for you to visit him? What would happen if this sudden change was the one that could finally break you both? You didn’t want to wake up one day and regret saying no.
“I will.”
Even though you still feared the future and what could come next, you knew it was worth it if it meant being with him.
August, 2019
After Erling’s proposal to move in with him for his next season, you started to plan out many things. Meanwhile, your parents, despite your own assumptions, were thrilled to know that the relationship was moving forward. They’ve loved Erling since your days as friends, so these news were excellent. You were beyond relieved, because you wouldn’t have known how to deal with your parents’ disapproval at times like this.
Since you’d finished high school and were using the well deserved free time to sort out what you wanted to do with your future, traveling around with Erling was a pleasure that you could finally allow yourself to enjoy. After his birthday party and quick visit at home, you both flew back to Austria, where he finished the season with more trophies than he had planned to win. You both stared at his cabinet, mesmerized by his Player of the Season and the Austrian championship ones shining like gold. You were so proud of him.
Sitting by the fireplace, you couldn’t help but hold him closer, knowing at heart that this was just the beginning.
“You’re going to be a star.” You turned to look at his profile. “A big one. Everyone’s going to know your name. Very soon.”
“You have too much faith in me.” He said it with hesitation, but you knew he wanted the same thing.
And you knew it wasn’t impossible. Back in May, he had scored nine goals on his own against Honduras; by this point, a lot of people knew who he was. Even if it wasn’t the biggest peak of popularity, his achievements were outstanding. It was a matter of time, but you knew it. He was going to be the best striker to ever exist.
November, 2019
“Elsking?” Erling’s voice startled you awake from your nap, noticing how it had turned dark outside. Fuck. You slept more than you’d planned. Now your boyfriend had finally arrived from his gym session, and you weren’t even fully awake to greet him.
“Oh my, I overslept.” You sat up, rubbing your eyes as Erling kissed your head. “Welcome, babe. How was everything?”
“Dortmund, Germany.” Was his response, leaving you confused and disoriented. You looked at him with furrowed eyebrows, not knowing what he meant by that.
“Germany?” You asked, still feeling too sleepy to understand. Then he kept looking at you the only way he did when he had just said something meaningful, and you knew. “Dortmund, Germany?!” This question was almost a scream. Hearing that city brought back all those times you catched him watching the Dortmund games a bit too attentively, or when he asked you to practice German “for fun”. “Borussia Dortmund?” You made the connection right away. You knew the club very well by this point. It was famous for hosting excellent players who later turned out to be worldwide stars. Dortmund was the best place for youngsters with great potential to start.
Just what Erling needed.
“That’s amazing! Erling, I’m so proud of you. That club has so much history, you’re going to be great!” You hugged him, realizing what a change— for the better—this was for his career. “It’s such a good thing for you.”
“But is this what you want?” He said instead, shocking you with the question. “Do you feel comfortable with this change?” His hands went to your face, his thumbs caressing your cheek bones. “I don’t want you to be miserable just because I decided to move to yet another country that’s not home.”
You didn’t know why Erling’s concern about your opinion surprised you. All these months, you had planned together what was next. His career and yours were intertwined. But of course, he thought you were accommodating to him.
“Baby, I’m not planning my life around yours.” You said, giving him a peck. “I know this is a very sudden change, and that maybe we’ll have to do this many times throughout the years, but I don’t mind. I love you, and my career won’t be affected if we move fifteen times in one year. I want what's best for your career. And home will always be where you are.”
“I just don’t want you to hate me if I make a decision that affects us in a negative way.”
You both were so young. And yet again, you knew this was just the beginning of your future with him.
“Being with a footballer is not an easy thing, I know that. But there won't be a day when I regret loving you and being by your side. No matter what, I’ll always support you, Erling Braut Haaland.” You noticed how he teared up a bit, and you couldn’t do anything but kiss his tears away.
Just one step more. He deserved this.
July 20, 2020
It’s been exactly one year since Erling asked you to move with him. It’s been seven months since you started your life in Dortmund. And you couldn’t be happier.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Erling followed you around the house, fighting against his training bag as you both came downstairs. “Because if you’re not, I can always call and tell them I had an emergency.”
You stopped in your tracks, turning around to give him a serious look that made him smirk.
“You’re not serious about missing training for me, right?” You raised an eyebrow at your boyfriend, knowing damn well that he wasn’t the type to lie to his coach and just miss important training. “I’m just going out alone to do some shopping, it’s not that serious!”
“But you don’t know how to drive!” He argued back, returning to follow you once you kept walking. “What if you get confused? What if you get lost on the train? What if you ran out of battery? What if—”
“Erling Braut Haaland!” You shouted, laughing when he almost collided with your body. “Go training and let me handle this!” You pointed to the front door, raising both of your eyebrows when he just stood there. “Now! Go!”
“Okay, okay!” He laughed, giving you a tiny peck before running to the door. “I love you!”
“Love you too!”
Now it was time to get ready.
July 21, 2020. Early in the morning.
Erling wasn’t the type of person to sleep in. Never, since he was around ten years old, did he sleep past eight a.m. Only when he started dating you, his days off become something he looked forward to, learning to enjoy sleeping in just because he got to be next to you. That’s why it amused him that, when he finally woke up early that morning, partly because his own body was used to it, he noticed your body missing from your side of the bed. His eyebrows furrowed, eyes still closed, as his hand roamed through the bed. Yep, you weren’t there.
“Elsking?!” He called, his voice sounding raspier and lower than usual. You didn’t reply, so he opted to look for you. “Babe?” Just as he began to sit in bed, you appeared in the door frame, your smile bigger than ever as your hands carried a tray. “What’s this?” His smile matched yours, not daring to move as you came closer to the bed.
“Happy 20th birthday to the love of my life!” This time, you didn’t sang happy birthday. Instead, you left the tray full of fruit and pancakes on his lap. This was one of those rare days where he could eat whatever he wanted, and your pancakes were his favorites. “I hope you like them.”
Erling’s eyes locked on the food displayed on the tray; his head low as he picked up the fork, starting to pinch bits of everything for the first bite. You bit your lip, sitting close to him. Only when the fork didn’t reach his face, did you notice his shoulders shaking slightly.
“Honey?” You said, caressing his bare skin as he continued to look down. “Is everything okay?”
“It’s just that…” He sniffed, finally picking up the fork and eating the first bite. “I love your food so much.” His mouth was full, but you still found his words endearing. “And I love you so much. Thank you.”
You didn’t want to laugh, but you did anyway because he was so adorable. You kissed his cheeks, wiping his tears as he kept eating his birthday breakfast.
“What do you want to do today?” You said once the tray was empty, sipping the cup of juice since Erling insisted on sharing something. “I know you are tired, so I didn’t plan anything fancy.”
Actually, you did. Just not the usual fancy stuff your families were used to. Back at home, there was always a party, a reunion, a big important thing where almost every single Haaland relative would visit to celebrate him. It was like that for every single sibling; you knew that even if he loved his family, he also loved his space. So when you finally were alone and, sadly, apart from the traditions, you thought about giving him an experience that was to his liking.
“I want to be with you.” He simply said, making you smile for the hundredth time in the day.
“Don’t you want to go out with your friends? Have a little get together?”
He shook his head. He was a shy person, and you knew it was hard to make friends on the new team, but despite that, they all wanted to wish him a happy birthday and even asked you if you were planning a surprise party. Maybe next year, when your boyfriend feels more comfortable, you will take upon the idea and throw him a big party.
But for now, it’s only the two of you.
“Then get ready; I have a little plan.”
The day was beautiful. Germany was full of life, the sun shining as you both left the apartment, ready to go on an adventure. You had planned this for a couple of weeks, so when you asked him to wear a nice shirt to match your sundress, his eyes flickered with suspicion. You stayed silent even when he tried to bribe you for some information. When you finally arrived at the place and shyly gave him directions from the passenger seat did his mouth fell open.
“Elksing… How…?”
“Secret.” You smiled, your eyes going from the little table by the lake to his face.
As you asked from the company, they had built and arranged a private place by their property where you both could accommodate yourselves without the need for their personnel to assist. You wanted it as private as possible, and as you walked down the path, the tent covering you both from the sun, you knew it was perfect. He held your hand even when you took a seat, facing each other. The table had tiny plates with fresh appetizers and a cold bottle of champagne.
“Do you like it?” You whispered from across the table, attentive to his expressions as he took in the whole decoration.
They were a bit silly, but you still wanted to tease him. There were tiny golden boots, Bundesliga trophies, and much more hanging from the ceiling, making him giggle.
“It couldn’t be more perfect.” He said as he took out his phone, starting to snap photos of everything, including you. “You’re perfect.”
May 13th, 2021
Winners of the DFB Pokal. You watched it all unfold from your seat on the sofa, covering your mouth to stop the tears full of pride that wanted to come out. You knew it. You knew he could make it.
So far, not even one expectation you had for your boyfriend has come with disappointment.
He was a star. And the world was there to see.
Two goals on your boyfriend’s behalf, which looked so easily made even though he was just recovering from an injury, were the final touch for their victory; you felt a sudden sadness for not being able to be there, for not being able to hug him and tell him how proud you were right there and then. No one was allowed to. The pandemic was an obscure phase in your lives, where you couldn’t go out at all, and if it weren’t for Erling, the experience of studying remotely by yourself would be a lot more depressing.
You couldn’t wait for him to get home.
But, being realistic, you wouldn’t see him for at least a day more. Between the hours of traveling from Berlin to Dortmund, and the fact that he was going to celebrate with his teammates, chances were indicating that your boyfriend would be arriving tomorrow night.
With a sigh, you stared at the screen again, where you could see all the Borussia guys fooling around, their screams of happiness perfectly clear as the stadium was empty. You could even make out Erling’s, Jude’s, and Gio’s voices between the loud noises. With a smile, you stayed until the transmission was over and the screen became black.
Looking around, you felt lonelier than ever inside the apartment. You’d been without your boyfriend’s company for two days, and even if you were used to it by this point, knowing that you couldn’t do anything to change it made it worse.
“That’s okay.” You whispered to yourself, wanting to fill the apartment’s silence. “I’ll just call him.”
You waited a good ten minutes before even trying to call. You didn’t expect him to answer, but at the third ring, you were greeted with muffled voices, harsh noises, and your boyfriend’s laugh.
“Elksing?!” He screamed at the phone, sounding happier than ever. Adorable. “Did you see us? Did you see me?”
“I did! I’m so proud of you, baby! I can’t believe it’s finally yours. Please, take photos for me! I want to see it all!”
“Of course I will!” Then the muffled voices became clearer; they were screaming Erling’s name. “Gotta go, honey. I promise I’ll be home as soon as I can! I love you!”
“Love you too!” You said before the line went silent. With a sigh, you looked around. “Well, time to read.”
May 14th, late at night
You first thought it was part of your dreams, but as the noises became louder, startling you into consciousness, you figured someone had just broken in. Sitting in bed, you listened carefully as you reached for your phone, thinking about a whole lot of horrible things that could happen if you didn’t react fast enough.
The bedroom door slammed open, making you scream. Then the person at the door screamed as well, and you noticed that the tall figure seemed very familiar.
“Erling?!” You shouted, placing one hand above your heart as your boyfriend stumbled a bit while making his way to your side of the bed.
“Baby! Sorry if I scared you. I thought you knew I was coming home!”
His words came out slurry, and then it clicked.
“Oh my god.” You laughed, making space for him to sit beside you. “You’re wasted, honey.”
“Me?!” He scoffed, offended by your very good assumption. “I’m fineeee.”
“Right.” You giggled, glancing at his clothes, which were all Dortmund related. “Wanna sleep, or do you want water?”
“Nope. I wanna cuddle with my girl.” He pushed himself further into the bed, practically making you slide back into your back. “I missed you so much.” Burying his head in the crook of your neck, he made himself comfortable on top of you, snuggling until he was practically using you as a pillow.
“I missed you too.” Taking your hands to his now longer hair, you started massaging his scalp. “You did so well. I knew you would win.”
“I always thought about you while being up there.” His voice reverberated in your chest as he quietly spoke, his lips skimming your skin. “About how I had to make it for you. I hope you know those two goals were dedicated to you. And only you.”
Your heart skipped a bit; still caressing his head and neck, you kissed him multiple times on the forehead. No words were needed between the two while you fell asleep together, hugging each other closely until the next morning.
July 21, 2021
“Hello, hello, Mrs. Haaland.” Jude’s voice whispered behind you as you made the final touches to Erling’s dinner table.
A smirk crept to your lips as you eyed the person who turned out to be your boyfriend’s best friend in Dortmund. Jude, although a teenager, was tall and full of the confidence of someone who was used to being liked by everyone. You weren’t the exception. The midfielder was an adorable guy, and you liked him for all the times he supported Erling, especially when you weren’t able to do so.
“Hey, Jude.” You smiled back, noticing how he was the first one to arrive. “You’re early!”
“I couldn’t miss that prick getting surprised by a bunch of people for anything in the world.” He replied, eyeing the table full of gifts and balloons. “You’re always outdoing yourself, huh.” His playful smirk made you giggle as you finally left the table alone, giving him a glance.
“I try my best. Now, seeing that you’re in such a good mood, put this on.” You grabbed one birthday cap from the decoration, handing it to him.
“Sorry, miss, but I’m not trying to ruin my hair with that.”
Then Alfie, Astor and Gabrielle entered the room, carrying even more gifts, each wearing that silly hat Jude refused to wear. You eyed Jude again, knowing there wasn’t a chance for him to escape his fate.
“God, okay. Give me that.”
“Hello, sister-in-law.” Gabrielle greeted, hugging you as close as her pregnant belly allowed. “Hello, Judey.”
“Hey, Gab.” You both said, Jude leaving shortly after, apparently being too shy to actually stick around and chat. “Look at you, my precious baby is growing so fast.” You rubbed her belly, feeling a burst of excitement every time you remembered that a little nephew was on his way. “I can’t wait to meet him.”
“He can’t wait to meet you.” She hugged you, making her smile contagious.
As the minutes passed, more guests started to come, which was exciting. You knew Erling wasn’t too eager to be surprised or have big birthday parties, but you knew he would appreciate the gesture if he saw all of his teammates and family. Even you, who he thought was back at home for work. Like you could ever allow yourself to miss his birthday.
After ten minutes, you had everyone wearing a hat, some willingly, others just hesitantly, giving you stares from time to time that made Gabrielle laugh.
“Alright! We better be very careful not to make any noise. He’s about to arrive!” You shouted, asking the restaurant’s staff to please turn off the lights.
You all squatted behind the furniture, waiting until the curtains started to open, Erling’s figure briefly illuminated by outside’s light before the room came back to life, and shouts of “surprise” startled him. You all clapped as he smiled, shocked by the amount of people. You stepped forward, catching his eye while he stood there, surprised before he shouted “baby!”, hugging you so tight you had trouble breathing. Your feet left the floor, his strong hands held you as he whispered against your neck.
“I can’t believe you’re here!” Once he left you back on the floor, you held his face, not caring for the people watching. “I thought you were at home, working.”
“And you believed me? Bold of you to assume I’ll ever miss your birthday.” You pecked him, enjoying how he still seemed beyond startled to see you right in front of him.
“You’re so annoying.” He giggled, hugging you again before actually greeting everyone else.
The evening was exactly what you expected: everyone laughing, Erling getting excited by the gifts, and shy every time someone filmed him. You all got drunk (making sure Jude stayed in line and only drank one glass of champagne), and at the end of the night, the Polaroid cameras you bought were the greatest idea ever.
Everyone got to keep some, but after the party, when you were returning alone to the apartment, you started to go through the bag full of photos you got. There were blurry ones, or others where Erling didn’t appear at all. But then you found them.
The photo was clear, with the flash making the decoration all shine around you. You were sitting on Erling’s lap, hugging his neck as he kissed your cheek. You had the biggest smile on your face, both of your party hats inclined to the left. You grabbed it, separating it from the rest and putting it in your purse.
“Thank you for today.” Erling’s voice took you out of the trance, making you stare at him. His face was slightly red, his eyes half-shut. “You’re the light of my life.”
“Thank you for being with me for another year. I love you.”
And if you kissed a bit too long for the driver’s liking, you could always blame the alcohol.
September 23, 2021
“He ruptured his thigh muscle, honey. I don’t think he’ll be able to perform for a while.”
“How long?” You asked, having flashbacks of Erling’s first serious injury, where he had to hold back and just rest if he wanted to be in top form for future games. It drove him crazy.
“At least a month; maybe less if he behaves himself.” The physio replied, glancing back to the room where Erling was huffing, looking at the ceiling as another physio continued his examination. “I gotta ask you a favor. Please, don’t let his ego take over and make him do something stupid, okay?” You nodded, your eyes still glued on your boyfriend’s figure. “We need him. And he’s a fantastic player, we can’t let him destroy his career.”
“I’ll make sure of it. Thank you, doc.” He nodded, going back into the recovery room.
You signed, pacing back and forth while Erling’s examination was done. You couldn’t believe it, not even after you saw the injury happening. It was like a nightmare all over again.
“Baby?” His voice startled you. You didn’t see him getting out of the room. You smiled, not wanting to make him feel any worse than he was already feeling.
“My love.” You hugged him, sighing when he held you closer, taking a deep breath. “Everything’s gonna be alright, okay? You just need to rest and then you’re going to be back on the pitch before you know it.”
“I hate this.” He said, still hugging you.
“I know.” Was your only reply, knowing how bad it was for him.
There was nothing he hated more than being away from the pitch at times where he was needed.
October 21, 2021
“Again?” You asked in shock, receiving the physio’s news like a bucket of freezing water that had been suddenly poured on you. “It’s been less than a month!” You wanted to cry. Of course this would happen.
“Actually, it’s been ten days since his recovery.” The doctor’s tone indicated everything but good news. You knew it was bad, you knew it. “He came back too soon.”
“I know. I know. I tried to tell him that—”
“This isn’t your fault, dear. I know I told you to look out for him, but it’s not your responsibility if he chooses to be a bad patient.” The man rubbed his forehead. “Look, I know this isn’t the best thing ever, but I’ll have to give him a longer recovery time or we’ll damage his body to a point of no return. You get me?”
“I’ll do whatever I can to make him follow the instructions.” You didn’t know what else to say.
You were worried sick, but nothing else was in your power to make this change or go away. You always expected the next injury to be the last, but nothing worked. Sometimes, you wanted him to see the real danger in going back to the pitch way before it was prudent.
“You’re going to destroy your body if you don’t pay attention to it, Erling.” You didn’t want to sound harsh, but you didn’t want this to become a regular thing.
“I know what I’m doing, elskling.” His harsh tone surprised you, but you let it pass.
The last thing you wanted was to stress him out or argue over something that wasn’t going to change.
“I missed three games last time. God knows how many fucking more I’m going to miss this time.”
Oh, he was mad.
“Let’s just hope for the best, okay?” You grabbed his hand, walking side by side as you moved to the parking lot.
His thumb brushed your hand, a little smile lingering on his lips as you kissed his arm.
“I’ll think of this as an opportunity to have a little vacation with you, elsking.” Those words alone seemed to cheer him up.
Let this be his last injury, please.
December 2021
“Merry Christmas, everyone!” Gabrielle shouted, walking around with such energy that you couldn’t believe she had a baby four months ago. Everyone kept an eye on her in case she wanted to lift something heavy or do an outrageous thing just because she was feeling fine. Especially on Christmas while she was around her younger siblings.
“Merry Christmas!” You all replied, lifting the non-alcoholic beers she made you all drink out of respect.
Erling giggled when his sister sat next to her husband, chatting about God knows what while eyeing his drink, knowing she was making sure he wasn’t drinking anything out of line. You snuggled a bit more into your boyfriend’s arms, watching his little sisters run around Astor and his girlfriend, who seemed to have a gift with kids.
“She’s so patient with them. I need that type of self-control.” You said, knowing you weren’t mentally ready to babysit the twins for more than a day.
“Well, you’re pretty patient with this little guy right here.” His finger caressed his nephew’s cheek, who was asleep in your arms. “You’re pretty good with kids, y’know.” He gave you the look he had been giving you every time you held the baby. “And you look so gorgeous holding one.”
“Whatever you’re thinking, no.” You giggled, not wanting to wake up the little angel you were holding. “Not yet, at least.” You whispered, biting your lip.
“I’ll take that as a promise for later, elsking.” He said, giving his drink a sip.
This damn man.
January, 2022
“He can’t go on like this, he rather rests or he’ll ruin his body. He had serious injuries in a short period of time, we can’t risk it.” You listened to the physio’s words with a deep frown, knowing very well he was right.
This was Erling’s call to stop. And you’ll make him before something terrible happens.
“You know what I’m about to say, right?” You asked once you were inside the car, away from any spying eyes.
You really wanted this to go away without a discussion, but you had been there, with your opinions buried deep down as Erling recovered and came straight back to games at full time. You wouldn’t let that happen again.
He signed, still looking out the window. He was avoiding your gaze.
“I know.”
“You need to take this seriously. Three injuries in less than a year? Do you think it’s normal?” When he didn’t answer, you kept going. “I won’t let you ruin your body or your chances to make your career as big as you want just because you won’t let the team down.” You parked in front of the apartment, the both of you sitting in silence for a few minutes.
“They need me, elsking.”
“Yeah? And what about your health?” You turned to face him, wanting him to understand. “What would happen if you injure yourself beyond recovery? What would happen if you can’t perform like you used to because of your ego?”
“That’s not—”
“Or you recover, exercise, and rest like you need to, or I’ll go back home. Because I won’t sit around to watch my boyfriend destroy himself.” His eyes became wide open, a hint of hurt in them. It sucked to be causing it, but it was necessary. “And yes, it’s an ultimatum.” You got out of the car before he had anything else to say, not wanting to let your guard down.
Later that night…
“You aren’t serious, right?” His voice whispered against your shoulder as he came into bed, lifting the covers just enough to fit. You stayed silent as he held you, hugging you from behind until you were engulfed by his body. “Please, don’t leave me.”
“I’m not leaving you.” You said, resting your head on his bicep. “I just… I can’t stand to see you rush onto the pitch before the injury heals again. I know you love your team, but I can’t pretend I’m okay with it. You’re hurting yourself, Erling..”
The room was obscure and silent, the perfect time to really let out your thoughts. It reminded you of that time years ago when you confessed how scared you were of the future.
“And if you insist on doing it, then I won’t be next to you. At least not until you come to your senses and start taking the injuries seriously.” You continued. “Tell me you understand why I said what I said back in the car.”
“I do… Look,I know I fucked up the last two times. I just… can’t stand the thought of letting my team down. But, again, I wasn’t doing the right thing if I was just thinking about them and not me… Or us.” He breathed out, kissing your skin. “I’m sorry for being so stubborn.”
“I’m sorry for implying that I’ll leave you.” You laughed, feeling guilty again. “I just wanted to get a reaction out of you. To shake you a bit.”
“That’s okay, I needed it.” He paused. “You still love me, right?”
“Of course I love you, don’t be silly.” You giggled, turning around to kiss him.
May 14th, 2022
It was time to say goodbye to Germany. It was time to say goodbye to Dortmund.
You couldn’t stop tearing up from time to time during the day as you two got ready for his last matchday in Dortmund. The sight of the black and yellow shirt filled your heart with sadness as you put it on, peeking at the number nine embroidered on the back.
“I’m gonna miss this apartment.” You whispered, looking at the empty spaces your things had left behind. Everything was on its way to England.
Manchester, England, to be more specific.
“Me too.” Your boyfriend said next to you. “And I’m going to miss you in yellow and black. It suits you so well.”
“Me? What about you?” You smiled, hugging his waist. “We had good times here.” His eyebrows wiggled a bit at that, making you scoff a bit. “You’re so disgusting,”
“You don’t seem to mind when I—”
“Guys, are you ready?” Gabrielle entered the room, her little son wiggling in her arms as he tried to talk, but only a few infant sounds came out. “He’s so excited; look at his little clothes.”
“You look adorable, bubba!” You said, taking him from her arms. “Who’s my handsome boy? Look at Dortmund’s best player.”
“Hey, I think you’re meaning to say that to me.” Erling said behind you, resting his chin on your shoulder to take a better look at his nephew’s face. “You better stay away from your aunt, little bud. She’s mine.”
“Oh, stop it.” You said, noticing how the baby just giggled at Erling’s words. “Very mature, uncle Erling.”
“I know; that’s what you love the most about me.” You smirked, not wanting to admit it. “That’s fine, I don’t need you to say a word to know I’m right.”
“Very well, lovebirds. We better get going or Erling will be late.” Alfie appeared at the door, smiling at the sight of his grandson. “Isn’t he adorable?”
You all nodded, enamored by the little baby. The twins came running, asking how long it would take to be at the game. They loved football.
“Alright, alright! Let’s go, everybody to the cars!”
Erling and you went to the car by yourselves, enjoying the silence as he drove around the city one last time, making you remember all the little dates and sweet times you lived there next to him. You will really miss this city. You learned to love, live, and care for Dortmund beyond the fact that Erling played for the club. Now, you had to get used to not being in front of the yellow wall every time your team won.
Once you made it to the stadium, you went separate ways. He had to change into his training gear, and you needed to catch up with the Haalands at the VIP box. The yellow wall was roaring from the energy of fans and family, all reunited to say goodbye to Erling. It took you a long moment to process it as you sat down, feeling the tears from earlier fill your eyes again, knowing this was the last time for a very long time where you would experience the feeling of belonging to the BVB family.
“There’s nothing like this, my dear.” Alfie said next to you, his own eyes a bit glistening as he kept looking straight ahead, admiring the yellow wall like you were seconds ago.
“I love this team, Alfie. I’m going to miss them so much.”
And you knew Erling would too. That team had been his family for three years, and his good friends were staying here while he went ahead and made a change for the better. As horrible as it was, if he wanted to progress, he needed to leave Dortmund. Nonetheless, it didn’t make his last goodbye any less painful.
The game was spectacular, and Erling gave a performance that proved why he was one of BVB’s most beloved players during his time there. The cheering, the flags, the signs with his name and face— you truly didn’t know how Erling held back the tears until he entered the dressing room. You were waiting him there, hugging him despite the sweat and grass stuck to his face, kissing him and whispering how proud you were and how much you knew it was hurting for him to say goodbye
All of his teammates gave him hugs, kisses, jokes, and said goodbye to you with the same sadness you were feeling. Even Jude was emotional, but you pretended not to notice when he started to tear up.
“Take good care of him, I know he’s going to need it.” Was the last joke you heard from him before he disappeared through the door.
“I’m gonna miss you too.” Erling yelled at his direction, smiling through the tears he was not ashamed to show.
June 10th, 2022
Manchester. The breezy city welcomed you once you left the private plane, making you push your nose deeper into your hoodie as security guided you to the car. Erling’s physical exams were today, and as always, he asked you to accompany him. You weren’t ready for the City’s team to be there, not only to welcome you, but also to film the whole process as introductory footage for the fans.
“Don’t worry, we can edit you out of the video if you’re not feeling comfortable.” One of the cameramen said, smiling at you.
“Yes, thank you. That would be awesome.” It wasn’t that you weren’t comfortable about your relationship with Erling, which was impossible by this point, but your presence was something that not many people knew unless they dug it up.
It was an ongoing joke how many fans didn’t know about Erling having a girlfriend—a years-long girlfriend, in fact— who was with him most of the time, and even then, you were a rumor, which was the funniest part of it all. The little privacy you could get while dating a famous person was very appreciated. You knew it couldn’t stay like that forever, but as long as you two could, you'd maintain it.
“Baby, you first.” Erling’s hand covered the small of your back, guiding you inside the car before he and Alfie followed. “It’s so windy.”
“Right? I wasn’t ready for this weather. But, again…”
“England.” You said together, laughing.
“Hey, don’t start making fun of your new home, kids. That’s rude.” Alfie scolded you, but at the same time, he was wearing the most mischievous smile ever. He was such a prick. “Well, we’re almost there, let’s get ready.”
“Hey, after this, we’re going to see the new apartment, okay?” Erling whispered in your ear before you all followed Alfie to Manchester City’s medical ground.
That mention of your new home brings excitement and a smile to your lips.
“I can’t wait.”
July 10th, 2022
Presentation day. You spent the whole morning murmuring it as you got ready next to Erling, making him smile at your antics. You were way more excited than him, which made him laugh at you.
“Baby, you look gorgeous in everything. Let’s go.” He kept watching you from above his phone, his body resting on the bed without a worry in the world.
“Coming! I just need to see which shoes look the best.” You turned to show him the two pairs of blue Jordans, one royal blue and the other baby blue. When you detailed him, your eyebrows furrowed. “Besides, you haven’t done your hair, and your shirt is there instead of your body.”
Even though the vision of his half-naked body was still mesmerizing to you after four years, you really needed him to get going. It didn’t have anything to do with you being barely done. He was the star of the show.
“I’ll get it on a bun now, don’t worry.” You smiled at his blonde hair being all over the place, something you barely see nowadays.
“I love when you have your hair down.” You signed, turning again to face the closet. “Okay, I’ll just wear jeans like you. Can you pick a cute purse, I’m going to look for my perfume.”
You heard him laugh from the room.
July 11— 2 a.m.
“Oh, my—” You both laughed hysterically as you reached the elevator, your bodies colliding with the walls, and you barely held Erling’s body straight enough to walk. “We’re… so wasted.” You murmured, pushing your boyfriend into the tiny space. “We have to drink water.”
“Mmmh, you can drink something else.” His smirk gave away what he was suggesting, making you giggle as his hands roamed through your body. “You look amazing.”
“No, you look amazing.” You pecked his lips until the doors opened, revealing your apartment’s private hallway. “Can you walk or do you need me to carry you?”
You both laughed again at the suggestion, taking tiny steps until you were finally inside the apartment, turning all the lights on. The kitchen was as you left it, with a few empty glasses on the counter and fruit on display. Your boyfriend went for an apple while you grabbed a whole bottle of water.
“Here, drink this, or you’ll have the worst hangover ever tomorrow.”
“Always looking out for me.” He kissed you briefly, taking the bottle from your hand. It was half-empty from your own thirst. “Let’s go to bed, I’m so tired.”
You didn’t put up a fight. As much as you loved partying with your boyfriend, you were always destroyed after a night out. Not only did you reunite with old friends— like Martin and Akanji— but the constant dancing, mixing drinks, and people recognizing Erling emptied your social battery.
You promised yourself to shower in the morning as you took off your makeup and Erling undid his hair. You both exchanged looks through the mirror, silently smiling as you brushed your teeth. Only when you were snuggled in bed, did your boyfriend say something.
“I can’t wait to marry you.” He kissed your head and fell fast asleep.
“I can’t wait to marry you either.” You murmured against his neck, knowing he wasn’t hearing you.
July 21, 2022
On Erling’s 22nd birthday, you struggled to hide the plans you had for the day. You loved to celebrate his birthdays, even more since you two began to compete over who gave the other the best surprise. This time, it was a bit more difficult to do something new or different, but you supposed that getting his childhood friends next to his best mates at Dortmund to fly over for a surprise party in Malagá wasn’t a bad start.
You were going to blow his mind.
As you sneaked around the closet, collecting all of his favorite pieces, next to a new pair of Jordans that you hunted down for more than a month, you begged for him to sleep in a bit more as you closed the two suitcases that were accompanying you to Spain.
“Elksing?!” You heard him shout, letting you know that he had already noticed your absence from the bed. “Come hug me!”
“Hello, birthday boy!” You said as you peeked your head into the main room, scrunching your nose at the sight of your sleepy boyfriend doing grabby hands in your direction. “Good morning.” You whispered before kissing him, giggling when his arms hugged you tightly, making you go back to bed.
“You smell amazing.” He kissed your cheek, biting slightly.
“That’s the food, baby.” His eyes opened, an interested look greeting you. “Now I have your attention?”
“You always have my attention, sweet. But, you know, I won’t mind some food.”
“Well, better hurry up, then. We have to catch a flight at 6 p.m.” You left the bed while he stayed there, looking at you dumbfounded.
“What do you mean ‘a flight’?” He shouted once you were out of sight.
“You know exactly what that word means, Haaland!”
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
“I thought you were kidding, babe!” Erling’s voice was still a bit raspy from sleeping, but his eyes were awake as he saw you taking the two suitcases out of the house. His hair was wet against his neck, a few drops staining the collar of his shirt while he stood there, not knowing what to do. “You can’t be serious. Are we really going out of the country?”
“Of course we are.” You were really enjoying having the upper-hand over your boyfriend. His confused expression was worth all the secrecy of the past week. “C’mon, get in the car. And no more questions.”
“Fine, fine. You’re the boss.” He laughed, getting in the passenger’s seat, which was a rare thing. “This is weird; I always drive.”
“Well, now you don’t. Relax! Eat some snacks… But don’t you dare to check your phone.”
“Why not?”
“Because I said so.”
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
“Spain?!” The shock on his voice was palpable, making you smirk as you sat on the plane. “Baby, there’s no way you’re serious. Spain?!”
“Oh, I’m totally serious.” The satisfaction that your plan being successful gave you was beyond imagination. “Now let’s see how you outdo this.”
A smile appeared on Erling’s face, his eyes recognizing your hunger for competition.
“You’re such a tricker. This isn’t fair, elsking.” He made a gesture to point at the VIP seats and your next destiny. “This is playing dirty.”
“We play to win, don’t we?”
He laughed out loud, startling an old man sitting across the hall. You two exchanged a look, not wanting to disrupt the peace as the plane took off, leaving you three hours ahead, where Erling would most definitely try to bribe you for some information.
Only when he saw the huge group of people waiting for him at the airport, did he realize the reach of your plan. You only smiled through it all, taking a liking to his mesmerized expression and the happiness he wore for the extent of the weekend, not stopping for one second the kisses, hugs, and “thank yous” every time you were close.
August 7, 2022
Your eyes were glued to the pitch, your heartbeat racing every time you saw a player coming out of the tunnel. Alfie kept making fun of you, saying how you were more nervous than Erling himself.
But you couldn’t help it. This was his debut for Manchester City. This was it, the big step you two were waiting for.
“I’m sure you can dig a hole in the floor with how much you are pacing around. Come here, enjoy some of the catering.” Alfie pointed to the table in front of him, filled with everything your stomach could wish for. Sadly, yours was closed for the day, the nerves making it impossible to get anything but juice or water.
“I feel like I’m going to vomit, Alf.” You sat on your designated bench, biting your lip as you kept your eyes wandering on the pitch, finally seeing Erling. He was doing his exercises, but you couldn’t make out his face. “Look at him!”
Alfie wasn’t as vocal about his excitement as you were, but he came next to you to see his son, smiling before nodding.
“He’s a champ, he can do it.” His hand brushed your shoulder, trying to calm you. “You know he’s going to make it.”
You nodded, knowing very well how talented your boyfriend was. Nonetheless, you were really nervous. After a few minutes, Erling’s manager and some friends of Alfie's started to arrive, making small talk before the game. You tried to ease up, finally encouraged enough to take a small plate with fruit to have for breakfast as you saw all the players depart from the pitch and into the tunnels.
After a few minutes, you saw them coming out again, their faces serious and obviously concentrated, as the first steps of the match began. Your heart started to race, and your breathing was irregular throughout the match. Only when Erling scored did you come back to life, screaming and cheering next to Alfie, who hugged you like his life depended on it.
The whole VIP section came to life, and the cheering of the fans made you nearly cry. You saw Erling make his trademark celebration, knowing that this moment was the one he had been looking for ever since he joined Manchester.
What a way to start the season.
December, 2022
“Tante!” (Aunt!) Erling’s nephew stumbled, taking a few steps before falling on his bottom, still smiling like the happy baby he was. “Onkel!” (Uncle!)
“Hi, my angel!” You greeted, lifting him from the ground to kiss his cheek, making him giggle. “Oh, how I missed you!”
“We missed you too, darling.” Gabrielle kissed you on the cheek before pushing his brother’s arm. “Hello.”
“Don’t worry, I didn’t sense any tension in that greeting.” His sarcasm made you giggle, your eyes still glued to the baby’s features.
“You’re growing up so fast! I can’t believe it.” You kissed his head, walking from here to there just to keep him entertained.
“You still look amazing with a baby, just saying.” Erling said before greeting his nephew, kissing his head the same way you did. His golden hair was the exact shade of Erling’s, making your head go a bit dizzy.
It was easy to imagine a baby that looked like both of you.
“Stop that or I’ll get the wrong ideas stuck in my brain.” Your eyes went to your boyfriend’s face, seeing his smile just enough to let you know that was his plan. “You’re an evil man.”
“Evil or not, it’s just a matter of time.” One side of his mouth lifted, making you gasp.
“I’m going away.”
“Don’t run away from me!”
June 11, 2023
erling.haaland
like by judebellingham, alfiehaaland, gabriellehaaland and 2,567,345 more
erling.haaland turning a quadruple winner in a few months, wish me luck 💙
youinstagram can’t wait ❤️🩹
haalandcity omg??????????
erlingsgf i should change my username
judebellingham i can’t believe i’m going to be an uncle
→ jackgrealish i’m going to be the cooler uncle
˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚⋆·˚ ༘ * ERLING’S TAGLIST
@questionable-behaviour | @koufaxx | @xjval | @nikki01234 | @evarasworld | @kynykyny | @alleyahah | @444pantheress | @football4life9 | @f1lover55 | @frankcastleonlyfans | @ironmaiden1313 | @pizzapie349 | @may-machin
#erling haaland#footballer blurb#footballer fanfiction#footballer fics#footballer fic#footballfics#erling x reader#erling x you#erling x y/n#erling haaland x you#erling haaland x reader#erling haaland x y/n#haaland x reader#erling haaland imagine#erling haaland fanfic#haaland x you#erling haaland fluff#erling haaland oneshot#haaland x y/n#haaland imagine#haaland fluff#footballer x reader#footballer fanfic#footballer fluff#footballer imagine
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Sugar Rush : August 2023 CPNs
As with all other CPN posts that involve this lovely pairing, everything in here is speculation/interpretation based on popular concepts in the fandom. facts are also mixed in as well + events that happened before. This is not meant to “deceive or lie” to anyone. If it wasn’t clear, posts like this or similar to it are for cpfs only — and even other cpfs are encouraged to pick and choose what they believe in depending on what makes sense to them. You have to know some of the “lore” in this fandom to appreciate it, or be in that mindset wherein bjyx is probably/possible to be real.
These monthly round-ups, especially for August, have additional commentary and cpns that I didn’t share as an individual post for a variety or reasons. So there may be something “new” here for you.
Enjoy all the sugar! ⬇️⬇️⬇️
• rumor/cpn : XZ anonymously booked 26 cinema screenings in chongqing for yibo’s movie. the funny thing is there was a comment that if they find anonymous screenings for condor heroes movie in henan ( yibo’s hometown ) , they will join the bjyx supertopic 😂😂😂
this could be a different person but we cpn that it’s xz who booked since it’s in CQ. also whoever this was booked premium tickets and not discounted.
no one “released” a rumor or anything, some fans just noticed this while booking their tickets and found it interesting.
• another round of bottled joy cpns, this time around wyb’s alleged renewal with them on september and so much more
• reasons why we think the 26th bday letter post was from xiao zhan
• clues in the bday instagram post art
• fake rumor of wyb’s script having drawings
• XZ’s work week around WYB’s birthday
• Bottled Joy bday greeting to Yibo + Chen Shuo’s bracelet
• A cpf said yibo looked at their phone because her phonecase was a photo of wyb and xz. but again, this is not the proper behavior — following him around and shoving your phone in his personal space. I do not take this as candy, but for archiving purposes, it’s here.
• Unintentional matching 😂😂😂😂
• WYB plays card with Chongqing people 🃏
• Fake stories from paparazzi(s) who “followed” the boys back in 2018/19
• 8/11/2023 Rio Livestream candies
• 8/13/2023 LRLG 🍓🥝
• Yes please, drop more photos and do more similar captions with posts that are days or a week apart 👀
• throwback : the best bottled joy cpn
• 8/13, WYB allegedly drove and went to XZ’s LOCH shoot. You may see some photos and videos that is allegedly the proof but you can’t even see the driver’s face. There’s also some talk that “WYB” was wearing a motorcycle helmet so there will be no chance people seeing him. I don’t know what to think. I understand how exciting it is, how hilarious that people even speculate about this and the fact that cpns like this is dangerous. i would hate for melon/yxh accounts to pick this up and get them in trouble. We already heavily speculate that they visit each other on set because or some clues we see — no need to dig and investigate too much. 🙏🏼
• In the morning of 8/17, Paparazzi were saying XZ and his co-star from the past are not real and have no chance. This went on #1 HS. As expected, XZS pulled some mild sweets. 18:33! YIBO ZHAN ZHAN!
YBO updated minutes later. But my favorite would have to be their second update with 22:30 AI AI ZHAN!
• WYB became the first spokesperson for Pokemon Trading Cards, this is wonderful cause we know how they are big fans of it. I’m happy seeing them basically be the face of brands that they have always loved ( like chanel and gucci for example )
• 8/20/2023 YBO vlog candies 🧁🍭
• Yibo’s signature hand gesture confirmed to mean “wang”
• Qixi Festival number games
There is also some conversations that said XZ was not seen going to work that day. He & WYB could be working on Ad materials and other things, but that means they can go back home earlier. They don’t need a full day to spend Qixi together, tho that would be nice too. They just need time to be together on this romantic day. Maybe we will get more details in the months to come but we wish them all the happiness! 💕
• A new BTS on XZ sort of complaining about WYB/LWJ not looking at XZ/WWX with “yearning” as he walks away. This is so hilarious to me cause it’s so on point on what we have seen from XZ. He may be the calm & poised XZ to everyone but with WYB, he can act spoiled. He can demand more and be frank. The way he wants WYB/LWJ to show the kind of devotion he expects is just— why? why????? and you have WYB who will willingly spoil him and grant his every wish. ✨ A true example of XZ wanting the love WWX/LWJ have to happen to him too.
• similar “trick” of twirling a cloth by their fingers & how different they are
• revisiting the bts of XZ saying he prefers WYB with no makeup on ( he was just stating a universal truth that wyb is handsome even when he is bare faced )
• wool/felt doll cpn
• 8/25 XZS and YBO similarity
• revisiting the blurred background in ZZ’s mirror selfie 📷
• A wedding gift of t-shirts signed by the boys
• WHITE COUPLE SUITS! ☺️
• This month, I saw 2 questionable videos going around related to them. I do not endorse spreading these videos around but i can’t help that it pops up on my weibo feed and fans really have different etiquette when it comes to this. But i have to say that it should be a genera rule to not promote these proxy shooting because it’s too invasive. If they are hiding, we should not be the ones exposing them. They are already working enough as it is to keep their privacy. Please do not ask me for the video. I am mentioning it here for archiving purposes only.
One video is from WYB’s shoot of Luoyang, Lele & YanYan were assisting another guy aside from WYB with an umbrella. Why would they do that? We know the hiding by umbrella ploy was used before, like in SDC 3. So are they using the same tactic to protect this friend when he is visiting the crew?
Second one is at a hotel. Video is allegedly from a 🍤, they were more interested with XZ but they filmed WYB was also in the same hotel. XZ went in without any luggage too.
The videos are not clear at all, to the point that you can’t provide this as evidence in court that “based on this video it’s clearly wyb or xz” , so take it with a grain of salt.
• ZZ draws poker cards
• The start of everyone’s love for the AU pair Shengyang x Chen Shuo! This Sunshine couple! ☀️ These two are so passionate about their dreams, one with art and other w/ dancing. Their smiles. Their positive disposition. How can you not love them???
There is also the observation that SBMS premieres 9/1, conveniently when all the activities for Summer Movies, which includes OnO is done. This is not the first time this year that their projects were not released within the same period. It feels too much of a coincidence. This drama will be done in a month so i don’t know if WYB’s Bright Road can still squeeze in it’s airing before the year ends, tho i’m not optimistic cause drama licensing is tricky. Before LOCH gets released Spring Festival 2024. No matter what happens, All I know is BXGs are booked and busy!
• SOMEONE OPENED A WEBSITE THAT INCLUDES a very detailed timeline analysis of the BTS. If you’re into that and wanna go back & take a look then please do. It’s so interesting! Doing a day by day timeline of the BTS and events that happened, with photos and videos is tedious work so this is such a treat! 💕
-END. See you next Month!
Note : if you plan to reblog this post. Please do not tag it as “Wang Yibo” or “Xiao Zhan” because this does not belong there. It’s specifically for CP audience and tagging it on individual name will expose it to people who are not.
➡️➡️ (2023 previous posts) Jan-June / July
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Classified Information #2: The Sound
From the Carpenter Foghorn Vol. 21, Issue 3
Uploaded by Christopher C. Buchanan 08/25/2018
Life Beyond the Stars? Carpenter State Researchers Capture Mysterious Sound from Space
By Troy M. Bauserman
Since Galileo first charted the moon’s phases, scientists have obsessed over a haunting question: are we truly alone in the universe? For many, all it takes is a glance through a telescope to answer that question. How could we possibly be alone in all that real estate? But the student researchers at CSU’s Department of Astrophysics and Astronomy may be closing in on a definitive answer. It comes in the form of a mysterious sound recorded from the very depths of space.
“There are all kinds of radio signals in space,” explains Sharon Ackworth, a PhD student working out of Carpenter State’s esteemed Weir Laboratory. “Anything that produces a magnetic field will also cast radio waves which we can pick up. And yes, you can translate those radio waves into sounds. But [our sound] is unique from say, a radio wave generated by an atmosphere, because it is a sound.”
“The Sound” as it’s come to be known in the department, is not wholly unique. NASA first captured sound from space in 2003, but sadly these noises remain inaudible to the human ear. “We know we have a sound,” Ackworth says, the frustration heavy in her voice. “We’re just not there yet—technologically—to hear it. Suddenly we’re in an arms race to be the first laboratory to amplify a cosmic sound into an audible range.” A feat that Ackworth notes sounds much simpler than it is, requiring state of the art audio technology to “turn it up” by millions of decibels.
As for what the sound may be, Ackworth hypothesizes that they’ve captured the sound of gas expelled from a black hole. Until we hear it with our own ears, however, I’m happy to believe that our little gray friends are finally reaching out to us from beyond the stars.
“I don’t get it,” Kayla cocked her head to the side as she watched Iris work at her laptop. “You can’t even hear it?”
“That’s the whole point,” Iris said, her eyes glued to the computer screen. “It was recorded before this software existed. Fuck, I can’t believe it’s even real.”
“I still don’t get it,” Kayla repeated. “So, we recorded a sound that isn’t a sound…sure. But if the technology exists now, why hasn’t anyone done this before?”
“Because,” Iris said, glancing conspiratorially through the glass walls of their private study room in the Carpenter State University Library. “The Department of Astrophysics and Astronomy shut down years ago. There was like a whole scandal. A bunch of fellows transferred out and their work was abandoned. After that, The Sound just kind of became an urban legend.”
Kayla leaned in behind Iris’ shoulder. Iris had pulled the audio file from the school’s archives and was now playing around with the sound wave in some fancy audio program that Kayla didn’t recognize (Her question, “What is that, Audacity?” had elicited a sharp snort from Iris). At its native frequency, the sound wave charted a straight line. But slowly, as Iris played with the program, small, periodic ridges interrupted the line’s straight path. It was satisfying to watch the sound take shape, even if Kayla didn’t totally understand the process.
“How did you even find it?” Kayla asked.
“It was buried in CSU’s private server. Bailey hooked me up with access.”
A knock at the glass cut into their conversation.
“Speak of the devil.”
Bailey DuBois entered the study room with her backpack slung casually over her shoulder. The small blonde adjusted her glasses on her nose as she said quietly, “Library’s closing in fifteen.”
“Cool,” Iris nodded.
“No, Iris,” She said. “Like, you need to leave.” Bailey did her best to look stern in the face of old friends, but she’d always been more comfortable with books than people. She glanced around to see if anyone was passing by, then said more quietly, “The confidential server is no joke, Iris. If someone finds out that I let you use my access…”
“Confidential?” Kayla squeaked.
“Relax,” Iris said. “We’re wrapping up now anyway. I copied the file to my computer so I can do the rest from the apartment.”
The tension released from Bailey’s shoulders. “So you found the file?”
“Sure did.”
Bailey stepped further into the room to join Kayla behind Iris. “That’s it?” She asked.
“It’s taking shape right now,” Iris said. “We’re going to leave, I just…I need to hear it first.”
“What are you even going to do with it?” Kayla asked.
Iris smiled then said, “I’m gonna put it in a song.”
Bailey’s laugh pulled Iris momentarily from the screen. “Why not?”
“I thought there wasn’t any sound in space,” Kayla said.
“Technically that’s not true,” Iris replied, turning back to her work on the laptop. “In a vacuum, sound waves can’t go anywhere. But the student who discovered The Sound hypothesized that it was sound moving through space gas or something.”
“Or,” Bailey said. “It could be aliens.”
Kayla backed away toward the glass wall, her arms crossed over her chest. “Is there any chance this thing is dangerous?” she asked. “I mean someone took the time to bury it on the very fucking private and spooky secret server, yeah? You remember what happened to those people in Cuba?”
“I’m pretty sure the government made that up,” Iris laughed, digging into her backpack to pull out a pair of wired headphones. “You can spot for me if you’re so worried. Take these off if I start bleeding from the eyes.”
“Honestly, it’s a moral imperative that we listen to it,” Bailey said. “For science.”
“And rock and roll,” Iris nodded.
Unspooling the cord, she slipped the headphones over her ears and plugged the audio jack into her laptop. She took a deep breath, said something campy like, “To infinity and beyond,” then hit play on the program.
From the Carpenter Foghorn Vol. 22, Issue 5
Uploaded by Christopher C. Buchanan 09/01/2018
“Weird” Weir Laboratory to Close Down: Dean Pulls Funding on Controversial Program Amid Rumors
By Teri Daniels
The Department of Astrophysics and Astronomy is closing down after nearly forty years in operation. The decision was announced in a press statement by Dean of Arts and Sciences Strickland Pierce. Though many departments have been forced to tighten their budgets in the wake of the economic downturn, the Department of Astrophysics and Astronomy is an outlier in Dean Pierce’s plan to maintain funding in STEM.
“It’s purely an economic decision,” Office Liaison Amanda Cline said on behalf of Dean Pierce. “A time of austerity forces us to make tough decisions. We’ve seen that in the elimination of other programs such as the Screenwriting major last year.”
But the decision comes in the aftermath of Dean Pierce’s souring relationship with program director Dr. Philip Weir, Jr. Dr. Weir, whose father bears the namesake for the Weir Laboratory, had endeared his students to his eccentric personality throughout the years, though his behavior had reportedly grown erratic in the weeks leading up to the department’s closure. Dr. Weir had attempted to publish an article in the Carpenter State University Scientific Journal purporting definitive proof of extraterrestrial life. He later barricaded himself inside of the Weir Laboratory with a dozen PhD students, insisting that he wouldn’t leave until he had proven the unpublished paper to be true. An anonymous source claims that the culture inside the Weir Laboratory was in recent years less of an academic community than it was a cult. Following the incident, Carpenter State University declined to press charges against Dr. Weir but dismissed him from his position.
Dr. Sharon Ackworth, head researcher at the Weir Laboratory, has vowed to continue Dr. Weir’s work. “It’s like losing your home in a storm,” she stated. “What can you do but pick up the pieces and move on?”
Kayla backed into the corner of the study room as she watched her friends take turns on the headphones. First Iris, trancing out, head bobbing to the cosmic tones, slowly back and forth on a swivel.
“Take them off!” Kayla cried after a few minutes.
A weak moan trembled from Iris’ lips as Bailey pulled the headphones from her ears. She’d never felt anything like that before. Though she turned to look at her friends, she only saw the outlines of their bodies. Her mind was somewhere else in the universe.
“You’ve got to hear to this,” she managed.
Bailey closed her eyes as The Sound washed over her. It was faint, an echo of something deeper that she knew was there but couldn’t quite hear yet. It was taking shape, just as Iris had described. Something was reaching out, something wanted to be heard. A message filled with pure, uncorrupted power.
“Music,” Iris said when she removed the headphones from Bailey’s ears.
“Music,” Bailey repeated. Her thoughts floated beneath a cosmic mist. Everything felt so still in that moment, as if the entire world had come to a stop. Everything except for Bailey’s heart, which was racing.
It wasn’t fear. It was arousal.
Iris must have felt the same way, because she leaned in close to Bailey, her hands pressing down into the arms of the chair as if it was the only thing keeping her upright. Her heavy breaths still moved to the tempo of The Sound. Bailey licked her lips unconsciously, fighting a sudden urge to make the space between them as small as possible.
And she would have if Kayla hadn’t interrupted her.
“Are…are y’all okay?” she squeaked from her corner.
“It’s like…we’re so insignificant,” Iris spoke through glassy eyes.
“So small,” Bailey echoed.
Kayla managed to get Iris to pack up her stuff and by the time they were outside of the library her friend had mostly come to her senses. Iris’ initial reaction had shifted to the practical applications of The Sound. “I mean, I’ll still have to play with the decibels but even at this level…wow. It’s not rock and roll, it’s like trance music. Imagine what it’ll do for the club scene…”
That night Kayla turned in her bed, images of her friends under the influence of The Sound ensuring a restless sleep. In the next room, Iris was wide awake as well, slaving away at her computer. She’d tried to sleep, but couldn’t tear herself away from her work. She continued amplifying The Sound until she found sound beneath the sound.
She was certain now that it was a voice. Distant and inaudible, like a conversation heard from the bottom of the ocean. But it was unmistakably something alive and something intelligent.
Iris’ desire to piece together the full range of sounds buried in this single audio file had driven her forward, but when she heard The Voice she was once again sucked into the black hole that was its Power.
Its? Who was it? A being that existed long before the earth and would continue to exist long after.
Fuck, why was that so hot? Why was she suddenly burning up? Why was she soaking through her panties? Iris thought of the look in Bailey’s eyes after she’d listened to The Sound and found herself growing hungry, not just for her friend but for everything. She wasn’t working anymore, abandoning the program to lean back into her chair and explore her wet pussy. But as her fingers rolled over her swollen clit, The Sound pushed through on its own, growing clearer in Iris’ ears as she neared orgasm.
It was unmistakable. An intelligent voice speaking in an unknown language. A message that was meant to be heard, its strange words mixing into Iris’ moans until she was repeating them herself. As she came to The Voice’s Message, Iris felt that some fundamental part of her existence was melting away, lost down some deep, cosmic rabbit hole.
What was left over would be remade by The Voice.
From the Carpenter Watchblog
Uploaded by Jamie Watt 05/22/2018
In Search of a Reclusive Scientist
By Corbin Arroyo
In the short, often strange history of Carpenter State University, few stories are stranger than the sudden meltdown of The Department of Astrophysics and Astronomy. Yet it’s an event that few talk about, buried in the shallow pages of a student newspaper and left there with no critical consideration. At its peak, The Weir Laboratory was an acclaimed research facility that made massive contributions to our modern understanding of space. Many of its student researchers transferred to more notable schools, but in my attempts to reach these former students, none were interested in discussing their history. None, save one, who remained in the area after the department’s closure.
Despite her proximity to Romero, Dr. Sharon Ackworth was not easy to track down. After a brief attempt to salvage the Astrophysics and Astronomy program, she left academia entirely. She now lives a few miles outside of town. Shrouded in a dense overgrowth of trees, you can only spot her trailer from the road if you’re looking for it. That’s how Dr. Ackworth likes it. Her small abode is a shocking contrast to the sanitary, fluorescent glow you may imagine in a science lab. Color has faded in every corner of this place, the wallpaper an off-white trending toward yellow. That’s what I can see of the walls, anyway. Most of it is papered with pages from spiral notebooks, margins filled with obscure and complex equations far above my English major.
Dr. Ackworth clears some space from a small table just off of the kitchenette. It’s cluttered with old cardboard boxes stuffed with files that I assume are everything she salvaged from her department. She later confirms that she took everything from Dr. Weir’s office. An entire history of a college department stuffed into a leaky, old trailer just off a dirty county road. Dr. Ackworth sips from a coffee mug that says “C8H10N4O2” on its face. My mug has Garfield on it. It sits untouched in front of me.
Dr. Ackworth is barely forty, but a long, thick tangle of rusty-gray hair makes her age difficult to track. Her face looks young. Despite her surroundings, her appearance, I’m certain she could pass for thirty. She doesn’t care about any of that. She hasn’t for a long time.
Her forthcoming account to me of the last days of the Weir Laboratory makes me question why she chooses to live in seclusion. She tells me that it isn’t necessarily fear that’s driven her away from Romero. After all, if she were running from something she’d at least leave the state. No, instead she’s just given up on being heard. In all the years that she’s lived out here, no one has cared enough to ask why.
“Everyone thought that [Dr. Weir] was obsessed with extra-terrestrials,” she remembers. “But that wasn’t the point of his paper. He wasn’t looking for fame or glory, he didn’t want to be the person to prove that aliens exist. It was a warning. At first, we thought The Sound was some sort of natural phenomenon, but we were wrong.”
The Sound that Dr. Ackworth refers to here was recorded by her laboratory in 2005 and became the major point of research in the last years of the Weir Laboratory. An actual sound recorded from the depths of space, one which Dr. Weir and Dr. Ackworth became obsessed with. Inaudible with regular audio technology, but not impossible to hear.
“It wasn’t just one sound though,” she continues. “As we worked with it, we found that it was cascading. Sounds upon a sounds, a voice buried beneath a deep, deep echo. And the more we listened to The Sound, the more it changed us. It burrows into your mind until it’s the only thing that you hear. It’s the only thing that you care about. And you find that it’s not just words, but commands. And you’re powerless to disobey them.
“It moved through the laboratory like a virus, infecting anyone who listened to it. The message was sent to prepare us. An arrival, in which its speaker would inherit the earth and all life that existed within.”
She takes a breath, grips her cup a bit tighter.
“[Dr. Weir] was the first to see what we were becoming. Our obsessive dedication to unlocking every detail of its hidden message terrified him. When he locked the laboratory down, it wasn’t to prove his theory or anything. It was containment. Until the The Sound could be properly destroyed, nobody could leave. He knew that such drastic measures would surely mean the end of his career, and he was right. Everything that you’ve read, the story about program cuts—that was all Dean Pierce’s spin.”
Watching Dr. Ackworth share her story, it’s clear to me that something really happened in that department, something that necessitated a cover up from the highest levels of Carpenter State authority. It drove Dr. Weir to destroy his own reputation, forced Dr. Ackworth to the edge of society. Things like this don’t happen without reason. Was it an evil message meant to prime us for extra-terrestrial conquerors? It’s hard to believe. But reality won’t diminish Dr. Ackworth’s feelings, the years she’s struggled to find anyone to listen to her.
I’m listening, Sharon. And I won’t stop until I find the truth of it all.
The preceding article was retrieved from online archives. It was initially removed from the Carpenter Watchblog by writer Corbin Arroyo at the request of the College of Arts and Sciences. It has been retained on the private server for documentation purposes.
Bailey hadn’t been herself since she’d listened to The Sound.
Even days after, she couldn’t shake it from her head. It echoed in her mind like a bad song.
At night she would drift off into a sleep weighted down by the same vivid dream. There was a figure deep in space. Deep, but not unreachable. It spoke to her, its words locked behind an unknowable language, muffled further by the millions upon millions of light years that separated her from it.
And yet she understood the meaning of its message.
Bailey would awaken, heart pounding, drenched in sweat. The first thing she saw was Iris. The image of her friend in the study room was burned into her memory. Those distant eyes focused on a power so far away, but still stronger than any human on earth. It was the hottest thing Bailey had ever seen.
Iris swung both ways, but as far as sexual orientation was concerned Bailey had never deviated from men. Iris would joke about hooking up, a kind of punk rock desire to make everybody in the room uncomfortable, and Bailey would always laugh it off. But now she drifted off into rough fantasies of Iris holding her down, dominating her.
She could teach me, Bailey thought. She could teach me to be a good flesh puppet.
What was that? Where had that come from?
Bailey tried to resist the urges that her late night fantasies conjured. She avoided contact with Iris, even went so far as to delete her from her contacts. Yet when Bailey wandered the library she caught herself peering through the glass walls of its study rooms. What did Bailey even plan to do when she saw Iris again? She feared to speak the answer into existence.
Work normally kept Bailey grounded, but now she found the library to be the hardest place to think. For her, it was ground zero. She was becoming something now and it couldn’t be stopped.
She was becoming a flesh puppet.
The thought made her drop in a quiet corner among the stacks, aching for release. The top floor of the library had a private bathroom where she would go on breaks to scroll Instagram. Locking herself in, Bailey was barely sitting down before she had her fingers buried in her pussy. Even awake she could hear The Voice, encouraging her.
“Fuck!”
Her cries were pure, unrestrained obedience.
The orgasm broke her. She remained seated, arms hanging limp like a doll’s, as The Voice’s Message filled the space where she had once had thoughts.
She came back slowly. A finger twitch, a jaw click, an eye roll. It was like something had crawled inside of her and was adjusting to its new home.
She took a deep breath.
It was time to see her friends.
The apartment door vibrated with the thumping sound on the other side. Bailey tried the knob and it creaked open. She was met with a mix of voices that she immediately recognized.
The first was Iris, confident and domineering, issuing commands between shallow breaths. The second, distant and hungry, was Kayla submitting to those commands, begging Iris to go deeper. The third voice—Bailey knew it but had never heard it. Not like this. It was The Voice, its alien words pumping through Iris’ sound system as clearly as Iris and Kayla’s cries.
Bailey found her friends in the living room. Iris had Kayla bent over the couch, taking her from behind with a large, black strap on. Beads of sweat trickled down their naked bodies. Kayla’s mouth was wide open, tongue dripping, glassy eyes rolled back into her head as she took the full force of her best friend’s silicone cock.
Bailey was driven to the floor by the massive weight of The Voice’s Message. She tore at her shirt, pulling her bra down to expose her breasts. With one hand she groped; pinching, twisting, rolling her fingers over her nipple. The other hand found its way down into her wet shorts.
Bailey’s moans mixed among her friends as she cried out the words that burned their way into her mind. They weren’t alien when they left her lips. A translated Message for the world to hear: “I am…the Birth of a new species! I will Prepare…my body and my mind for the…Great Arrival! I will Fill whatever need is…expected! I will Preach, I will Build, I will Breed! I will Shape the…soil to The Messenger’s Desires! I am a flesh puppet! My Submission is eternal.”
When Bailey looked up, she saw that Iris was speaking the same words, her eyes looking through her. Kayla too was trying her best to repeat the loop, but she struggled through the pounding. After the two finished, Iris stepped toward Bailey, leaving Kayla motionless on the couch, simply absorbing The Message that repeated over the speakers.
Though Iris spoke freely, her lips continued to move silently to The Message’s words in small breaks between her own. The effect was something uncanny, like a robot imitating a human’s speech patterns but struggling not to process all of the other data around it.
“I was wondering when you’d return,” Iris said coldly, approaching Bailey. “I couldn’t fight it for that long. I let it take me the night we found it. Kayla too. She was so scared at first, but she saw the way. How long did it bounce around your head?”
“So long…” Bailey moaned.
“And now that you’ve heard the complete Message, you know how much work we have to do.”
“So much…”
Iris slipped her finger beneath Bailey’s chin and lifted her head so that she could look down into those empty eyes. Empty, but so full of desire.
Bailey, staring down the face of Iris’ cock still dripping in Kayla’s sex, licked her lips.
“I am ready,” she said, her lips too beginning to move to The Message. “We must prepare my body for The Great Arrival.”
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Will we have an update soon?
Tumblr won't let me make normal posts for some reason, so the update will have to be in form of an answer to this ask smh. Anyway:
Hey everyone!
This post is long overdue, I know. I’m really sorry to those who have been worried about my wellbeing, as well as those who have been waiting around for an update for so long.
I’ve put off writing here because this “update” is something I’ve been wrestling with for a long time. But I can’t keep going back and forth on it forever, which is why I’m now letting you all know that the Shadow Society is officially discontinued.
I know that this might not come as much of a surprise to anyone at this point. I’ve tried to salvage the story by remaking it into something I’m happy with through a rewrite. But I’ve rewritten the rewrite itself more than once, and no matter what I do, I’m just not happy with the result. Rewriting something that’s already published with all the coding it involves is a lot more tricky than I initially thought it would be.
This is not a case of me being needlessly harsh on myself, however; it’s simply a truth I’ve come to realize after struggling to find a way to keep going with the story. I’ll never be fully content with it, or even content enough, unless I’d be able to completely remake and rewrite everything from scratch – and consequentially, I will never find enough motivation to continue because of how unhappy I am with it.
I’ve seen some speculation about my reason for rewriting the story and my long absence, and that they’ve had to do with comparisons to other IFs (well, you know which one). This isn’t entirely the case. While the comparisons did happen and probably still do, and while they were discouraging in the beginning, I can definitely understand where people have been coming from when making them. I talked about this more in-depth in the forums right after the release of TSS.
The main reason for why I can’t continue is that it’s not a series I feel passionate enough about to work on. My tastes have changed, and so has my writing to some degree. I’ve tried to convince myself that I am passionate about it. It’s hard to admit that you’re not when it’s been in your head for so long, when you’ve tried for so long to make this work and when you know that one part is published and that some people are anticipating a continuation. But it had to be done sooner or later.
Other reasons:
-While I don’t think that my writing style has changed drastically, I feel like it is somewhat different from how I wrote back in 2018 (which is a GOOD thing). Whenever I tried working on the rewrite or second book and attempted to emulate the writing of TSS, it just didn’t sound right anymore, and that took a lot of fun out of it.
-With everything that has happened with CoG over the past few years, they are no longer a company I want to write for.
Please know that none of this has discouraged me from writing in general. I still love doing it. If anything, this has taught me a lot about what I actually want to write and the writing process in general. Whether I end up publishing anything else in the future or will simply do so for my own enjoyment we’ll just have to see, though.
I still have the idea of a shadow-like world in my head, and maybe it’s one I will revisit at some point. Maybe there will be another version of TSS someday, albeit very different from the original one.
But for now, I can only thank you all for the overwhelming love and support over the years, and apologize for any disappointment this has caused. If people are interested, I’d be happy to share parts of the rewrite and unused ideas. The Tumblr page will still stay up at least for some time, but I will probably not be answering any asks from here on out.
EDIT: Forgot to add, but if anyone wants a genuinely amazing IF read you should check out my friend's wip here: https://uroboros-if.tumblr.com/ ❤️ Play the demo here: https://mistyriousness.itch.io/uroboros
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