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dearfuturehusbandblog · 5 months

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I Had A Moment

Dear Future Husband,

I've had a lot I've wanted to post here over the last few months but it's been too much, really, and a lot of the things I've wanted to say would come out sounding completely insensitive and that just wouldn't be appropriate for what everyone has been struggling with. I'm also slow at processing things properly, which I think I've made kind of clear in this blog in the past.

Regardless, I'll reiterate: I'm often too pragmatic, honestly to a fault.

Everything about the way I think and feel (or don't feel) is a direct symptom of the way I was raised, regardless of how in denial my parents are of the way they raised us.

I've been sleeping worse than normal for the last three months (it's literally 10:20am right now as I'm starting to write this and I still haven't slept since yesterday and I only slept about 3-4 hours yesterday, so you can probably see where this is going....) and I'm too tired to really explain myself thoroughly here right now, but I thought I should share this.

Since the war started in October I haven't felt much about it.

This is the whole insensitive thing I was talking about....

I'm a half a world away dealing with so many other things and b"H all the people I know in Israel are as safe as they can be during this insanity, so it's hard to relate to anything that's going on over there.

I've also never been much of an emotional person, so I've seen a lot of the footage and pictures and haven't had much of a reaction. Which is ridiculous, I know, and maybe one day when I'm not falling on my face I'll take time to go more in depth on what I mean, but today is not that day.

Anywho, when I was in Seminary in Israel a whole 15+ years ago, I started reciting the entire sefer tehillem during the week of Chanukah.

That lasted maybe four or five years, but I'm so slow at reading Hebrew that I would always procrastinate the days perakim and end up off schedule and it was too much pressure on myself to do something that nobody told me I had to do. So at some point I just stopped doing it.

But another "tradition" I started at the same time was doing a content "diet" and cutting out all non-kosher movies, tv, music, and books (except for bathroom reading) for the entire week of Chanukah. That is something I still do pretty much every year.

So during the rest of the year I listen to the radio or my non-Jewish music with the blutooth in my car, but during Chanukah it's only Jewish music.

Last Thursday night, the 8th night of Chanukah, I was listening to music in my car on the way to the supermarket to buy some things for Shabbos and the song L'man Achai by The Chevra came on.

I listened to it once, not having heard it in a long time, and sang along with it. The next song came on, but my mind was still on L'man Achai, so I put it on again, harmonizing with it. And then it sunk in as an earworm and I played it again.

And I had a moment.

It was on this third play that I actually listened to the words of the song. It's from two separate perakim of tehillem.

Leman achai v're'ai adabra na shalom bach Leman bes Hashem Elokeinu avaksha tov lach Hashem oz l'amo yiten, Hashem yivarech as amo ba'shalom

The first part is from Perek 122:

And the second is from Perek 29:

My translation skills aren't that good (hence the screenshots), so I was sitting in my car trying to suss out what exactly I was saying in the first part, but when I got to the second, I got completely choked up. Words just wouldn't come out right and tears did spring to my eyes. Although the tears didn't spill over, the knot in my throat took a while to dissipate and I stopped singing along with the song. All I could think about was how many people in Israel are wishing for peace and strength, and how many have picked themselves up after such a tragedy and are moving forward, not letting this keep them down at all.

And I thought about every galus we've been in. Every massacre of Jews for thousands of years because of feuds that run so deep in our history that even when they've been resolved by the people who started them, their children still carry that hatred in their hearts because they've been taught it's important, even when it's not their fight.

And the sarcastic and angry part of me was saying "Hashem gives us strength? He blesses us with peace? WHAT peace? WHAT strength???"

But the rest of me just felt the brokenness of it all.

I ended up playing the song several more times in a row, getting my voice back enough to yell out the lyrics, hoping if I could say them loud enough they'd permeate my soul and maybe I would feel something more than just that momentary strangle. That maybe just putting the words out into the world would be enough.

So after three months of playing the part of "it's so terrible, it's so sad" but not really feeling those emotions, something in my brain finally clicked. And I had that moment.

It's been a week and I've had the song on repeat in my head since then. It doesn't have the same impact on me as it did last Thursday in the car, but I keep thinking about it.

It's like the earworm of the century has burrowed into my brain and no matter what I do to distract myself the tune is always on the periphery of my thoughts.

Not that this whole situation hasn't been far from my mind every day anyway.... but now I have a small and constant reminder that I can have human feelings on occasion. It just sometimes takes three months for that moment.

-LivelyHeart

#jumblr #frumblr #shidduch #frum #jewish dating #orthodox #shadchanim #shidduchim #jewish #shadchan #shidduch dating #dating #jewishdating #i am the shidduch crisis

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foofenshmirtz · 4 months

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Log #1 A Warm Welcome

Disclaimer, this Au goes into detail about death, and mentions of sexual assault, cults, religion, gods, and gore. viewer discretion is advised. I do not own any of the characters unless stated otherwise and everything is purely for entertainment purposes. I only own my writing and the characters Yurei and Julia.

November 28th 20████

I've only been in these woods for around 2 weeks now but I think I'm starting to get the hang of things. I came here originally to get away from my problems and keep my family safe but it seems there are others like me. Most humans here are crude and very violent (not like I'm one to judge) but I have found someone who is quite friendly. For once my power is no longer a curse and I actually have someone I can call my friend.

She advised me to start logging my findings, stating it could help me around the woods. She claims that she knows alot about the people who reside here due to her status and is willing to help. She seems just as lonely as me, which isn't surprising since I'm the only one who can see her. Ghost or not its nice to have someone I can rely on who isn't going to harm me in some way.

So far I've seen only a few others in the woods but Ly has assured me that there are many others. It's kind of nerve racking considering the people I have stumbled upon seemed pretty grumpy and cold hearted but that could all be because I'm a stranger and new to these woods. ( and the fact that everyone here is some type of criminal)

I've never been good at keeping journals but I'm going to try my best, maybe if I die and someone finds this book it can help them along in the woods as it's doing for me.

My name is Julia, joy for short and I am dead. I'm not going to go into great length on how I died but I did and now I'm here. I needed to keep my family safe so I ran away here to the woods.

I'd like to say I'm a kind person but I don't know how true that is anymore. I try to be kind but ultimately it's hard when I see people as food and my only friends nowadays are a ghost and my dog. Despite it, I'll try my best to be as kind as I can till I eventually succumb to insanity like the rest of the criminals in these woods.

I hope my family doesn't miss me too much, I know I sure do but it's for the best, i didn't leave them completely empty handed though. Technically I'm dead but the government doesn't know that, so my disability checks will still go to them so I hope that I can still help them out even a little, And if by chance my family is reading this i'm sorry.

Info about me :3

Julia Reid: undead cannibal?? Age: 2████ Height: I think 5’5 Disorders: Mind your business

I've only been this “thing” for a few months now so I don't know the extent of my powers but I'm pretty sure I can't die. I've tried everything i can but nothing works, so im sure I'm like some zombie or weird vampire at this point. My body heals faster than normal humans and I can speak to the dead and make them do my bidding which sounds almost ghoul or zombie like but I need blood and meat to survive and my body can contort into a weird creature so at this point I'm as clueless as the next person. I've tried to google my symptoms but all I get recommended are supernatural episodes and weird fanfics so I suppose I'll just have to figure it out as I go.

I've been trying to find a new purpose in life, I can't go back to school or start a normal family so I'm going to do my best to survive here. I found an old abandoned cabin I've made into my new home. It's really gross and has been a pain to clean up but its shelter and I'm sure one day I can make it bearable to live in, and perhaps after the winter I can start a garden to help pass the hours in the day.

Fun facts about me:

I refuse to eat animal meat ( it makes me sad

I hate loud noises and crowds

My dogs name is yueri ( i played too much phasmophobia :3)

I have several tattoos ( not like anyone will see them ever again)

I hate strawberries

My favorite color is pink

And I have a fear of needles

None of this truly matters since Ly and I are the only ones who read this book but she says it helps keep yourself sane and helps remember who you are. These woods tend to change people for the worse so i'm going to try my best to stay true to myself till i eventually am done for.

PS i also noticed a lot of people in these woods have cool masks (most likely to hide their identity) Maybe i should get a cool one to make myself look more scary.

#original writing #creepypasta #creative writing #ticci toby #original character #original post #jeff the killer #nina the killer #slenderverse #slender proxy #slenderman

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kenobireads · 1 year

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Revenge Isn't Just for Sith

As promised, a chapter from the sequel to Attachments Aren't Just for Jedi!

Note: this isn't the first chapter. It has not gone through my final draft stage, so pardon any errors!

“Agent Kallus,” Ar’alani said from the head of the small conference table when the door opened. “How is Lily?”

He sighed and plopped down into a chair with a nod to Eli, who looked up from the questis his nose was always buried in. It was no mystery why the admiral was asking about Lily first thing. The Vigilant had returned to Ascendancy space a week earlier, and Kallus and Lily received orders to join them for the next leg of the journey. Except, she has not left her room since boarding five days earlier. Actually, he wasn’t sure either of them have truly seen Lily in almost a month.

Without a doubt, Lily has achieved impressive things in the four months they’ve been in the Ascendancy. But since the syndic hearing, she has become reclusive. He didn’t think she was depressed, rather, it reminded him of the time she wrote the study on Palpatine and his insane religion. Lily had disappeared for three weeks; even Thrawn had seemed concerned.

Ironic, really, how the restless woman could become so focused on something, she ceased being restless altogether.

“That bad?” Eli asked, still with the appearance of being prepared to look back at his device at any moment.

“On the surface, she’s fine.”

“And in reality?” Kallus wasn’t sure how to put it, but he gave it his best shot.

“Thrawn took care of her, and I think she’s struggling to find a routine because of it.” It was more than that. It was as if the only thing she knew how to do was work—so that’s all she did.

“You mean like, he tucked her in?” Ar’alani asked dryly. He gave her a matching look back. Kallus might be willing to get advice from the woman, but he wasn’t willing to mock Lily behind her back. That, he saved for teasing her to her face.

“He fed her. Anytime she was working with me at least, Thrawn ordered food brought to her. It irritated her at first, but I think it became her routine; she didn’t have to think about it.” Kallus ran a hand through his hair, something he seemed to do a lot lately. “I have a sneaking suspicion he helped manage her schedule as well. She double booked herself twice last week.” She worked like mad, but it was as if outside of work, she was lost.

“She has attention hyperactivity disfunction,” Eli said casually, focused on his questis once more. Kallus looked over at him, shock rolling through him. It would explain so much.

“How do you know?” Kallus had known Lily for almost a year now—how could he not know that? And, how was she so successful if it clearly impacted her? He’d looked up her net worth once when she first came to the Empire—it was multiple times more than Thrawn’s, which was quite high. The man seemed to spend very little money, and has been in an Admiral salary for a decade now, making his worth just over a million credits. Though it appeared Lily donated a huge amount of her money, she clearly worked her ass off. Large quantities of legally made credits were deposited into her account almost weekly—until Thrawn found her. Kallus didn’t understand how someone who needs help eating could achieve all that she had. He must ask her about it. Perhaps he could help.

“Thrawn sent her medical records with the other data.”

“What is that?” Ar’alani asked.

Eli scratched his head. “Ah, I had to look that up for her paperwork. There isn’t a diagnosis for your people. The closest disorder is based on attention; nothing is mentioned for hyperactivity. It’s called attention deficit disorder.”

“Ah, yes. Chiss usually grow out of that.”

“Yeah that’s what I read. It seems Lily was medicated up until she joined the military. My guess is, Thrawn simply tried to ease some of the symptoms. She just needs time to find her groove.”

Kallus’ questions were answered, perhaps. “Why did she stop medicating?”

Eli shook his head. “That wasn’t in her file, I’m afraid. Technically, the Empire doesn’t restrict the drug, though it is a stimulant, and most militaries don’t allow you to take them.” A stimulant? She was energetic enough.

“I suppose I’ll try to pay more attention,” Kallus mumbled, his hand on his chin. Maybe Lily just needed some reminders throughout the day.

“If Thrawn wanted you to take over for him, he would have said so.” Kallus gave the man a small, rueful smile. Thrawn did not exactly communicate well.

“Maybe. But my only purpose for being here is for Lily.”

Ar’alani raised her eyebrows. Yes, she understood why Thrawn had kept them together—and did not think it was so Kallus could be her secretary. “I don’t believe that is correct. Thrawn had a list of suggestions of what you would be good at doing here. His only request was that you two work together.”

The door slid open and Lily rushed in with notebooks filling her arms, her stomach beginning to round. Kallus stood, surprised to see her.

“You’re not going to fucking believe this,” she said in Basic before dropping the notebooks to the table. “I found them.”

“What?” Kallus asked, aware that she was practically buzzing with excitement. So excited she couldn’t be bothered to speak Cheunh.

“I found the Grysks,” she said as she began flipping through notebooks.

“How?” Ar’alani asked, her voice dark.

“I analyzed ancient maps,” she said—as if they haven’t had experts doing that for decades. She glanced up at Ar’alani, sensing her hesitation. “Your databases have been altered in the past. The maps aren’t complete,” she found a page and pushed the notebook to her. “This isn’t completely accurate, but I believe it is close. My father and I came across a map the same place we found the Chiss chains. He sold it, but I had drawn a copy. The copy was lost, but when I was in university, I tried to redraw it from memory. Of course, I transferred it to my master document years later.”

Kallus leaned over and looked at it. “And you cross referenced it,” he said distractedly.

“Yes.” She looked between the three, barely contained excitement on her face. “There is a point in space that has been largely considered empty of life. Asteroid fields, unlivable planets. A dangerous place to go.” Her eyes focused on Ar’alani’s, and she took a breath. “I think it’s a two thousand year old conspiracy.”

She set two notebooks in front of them. “These are from two separate maps. What do you notice?” Eli smiled to himself, feeling like he was with Thrawn again. A more manic, attractive Thrawn.

“There are similarities. Are they of the same part of space?” Kallus asked before Ar’alani could answer.

“They’re the exact same sector.”

Kallus shook his head. “But they’re too different.” He looked back at her first drawing. Then his eyes widened. Lily grinned and pulled the two notebooks back and ripped the papers out, and held them up to the light, pressed together. Then she added a third paper.

“They’re all incomplete,” Ar’alani said quietly.

“Correct. But if you put them together, they look exactly like the map I found so long ago.”

“No Chiss would have altered our maps.”

“No, I doubt they would. They were altered before they fell into Chiss hands.”

“So we need to get scouts there,” Ar’alani muttered.

“No, I wouldn’t.” The fleet admiral’s eyes flashed up to hers.

“Why?” she challenged.

“If this has been occurring for thousands of years, they probably have plenty of safeguards. All nearby systems will be watched. Even if you used the sky-walkers, you’d probably have to do a twenty hour long jump to avoid any scouts.” Her face went a little distant, blinking fast as she had an idea.

“That isn’t possible,” Ar’alani said. “They would collapse from exhaustion.”

“Yes,” Lily muttered. “We cannot ask that of a child…”

“What are you thinking?” Kallus asked her, beginning to recognize the look. She stared at him for a moment, her face turning dubious.

“A Jedi could do it. They can use the Force to sustain themselves, essentially keeping themselves awake and alive without food or water.”

“Jedi?” Eli asked skeptically. They were gone.

“Yeah…” she said, still mumbling, lost in her mind. Her eyes flicked over to Ar’alani. “How do you contact Thrawn?”

“A communication device.”

“Is he the only contact you have in Lesser Space?”

“For the most part, yes.”

She let out a little huff and rolled it over in her mind. Thrawn likely wouldn’t be working with the Rebels yet, as long as he hadn’t altered their planned timeline too much. That meant he was not the best option to ask this of, but it was apparently her only option. “I need to speak with him.”

The admiral shook her head. “That isn’t how it works. You can send a message, but you will not be able to speak to him. It just isn’t possible.” Lily raised an eyebrow at her. If a message could be sent, so could a call. It was probably time to reveal more of her skillsets to her Chiss allies anyway.

“May I see the technology?”

“You’ll have to go to a communications triad if you plan to work with it, but Naile, we have expert engineers.”

“I understand Admiral, but if I may, I’d like to try.”

Eli raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “You believe you can what, slice it?”

Lily gave him a guarded smile. “Perhaps.”

And, scene!

I might post another with one of Thrawn's early chapters, but I haven't decided yet! Hope you enjoyed this little teaser!

#Thrawn #grand admiral thrawn #star wars #star wars fanfiction #star wars rebels #ao3 #kenobireads on ao3 #fan fiction #wattpad #thrawn fanfic #the ascendancy #teaser

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silksworn · 8 months

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A heavy missive is personally hand-delivered to Lord Enver Gortash’s desk early on a spring morning. The stoic tiefling who has brought it does so without a word — unsurprising, as she had a violent parting with her tongue many years prior. She stares for a few long moments with unblinking emerald eyes before she takes her leave. Admittedly a strange girl, she is Sorceress Iraestra’s sole apprentice, and the only soul she would likely trust with the task.

The heft of the package is made up primarily of an ancient tome, kept in good condition with a clever spell or two. Although written almost entirely in a mix of Undercommon and a corruption of dwarven script, many of the passages are painstakingly translated by a looping scrawl that Gortash is likely to recognize. The book’s contents quickly reveal themselves to be fractured musings on the alien nature of aberrations, their history, and the Far Realm.

A few pages of vellum contain a letter by the same hand. Incense and iris-scent still cling heavily to the parchment. As she is wont to do, Iraestra does not bother with a greeting, starting into the body of the letter with little pomp:

Hjalrik Grimpride of the Dueregar clan Breitbarth considered himself a scholar. You and I would likely classify him as a madman upon first, or maybe even second reading of his “works”. Indeed, you would be hard-pressed to find his writing in any mother matron’s library outside of my own house. That, however, is the dangerous trappings of an egotistical mind. Our friend Hjarlrik may have his ranting passages seemingly without end, but they are a result of a lifelong fascination he held for his people’s natural enemy: the mindflayer. So enamored was he that he sought out a colony to live amongst the creatures, and was a thrall for many years. Whether he was of an unsound mind before this, I cannot say.

He direct contact with them provides an illuminating view of the illithids, their hunting and reproductive habits, and goals that precious few ever live to tell the tale of. I have transcribed for you only that which you will find of interest, and spared you the rest. Do not ever say I am not fond of you.

The letter continues to further discuss the merits of lived experience, and how much of Hjalrik’s words she thinks are trustworthy. She elaborates her point with the dangers of extended psionic use often manifesting with signs of madness if done so foolhardily. At this, she makes a rare mention of a younger sister, who she compares to a rabid dog that she regrettably had to put out of her misery. There is only a little sorrow in her prose; Iraestra seems mostly detached from the event as she clinically describes the early symptoms of her sister’s insanity that she should have noticed.

Upon the last page she turns to more personal matters.

I trust the gate is still as unwashed and unpleasant as ever? I can never seem to discern if you speak of your city with adoration or disgust; it could be argued that one cannot exist without the other, for you must have intimate knowledge of your subject either way.

Strange, that in all the years I have been on the surface that I have never gazed upon her infamous visage. I would have come myself I think, to see the gate with your guidance and commentaries, but I must keep watch over the subjects here at Moonrise. With the latest batch I managed to delay ceremorphosis for nearly a fortnight before they succumbed to their cerebral passengers. They did not posses their senses for most of the time they were still themselves, but progress is progress. Preservation of the mind remains my primary goal.

The assistants Ketheric provides me with are dull company. A fair number of them would be more useful as test subjects. How many times have I turned, seeking your counsel, and found you are not there these last few months? Dare I say it, I almost would admit to missing you. Or at least, the abyssal turn of your thoughts and your wit. For who else am I supposed to debate the nature of godhood or morality with for hours upon end? Words upon page are a poor substitute. You have few equals, Enver.

The bloodwine you brought upon your last visit was decadent. Please do so again.

Take heed with the vials I’ve included, and do keep it away from light if you intend for it to have any effect. Drow poisons are not made with the vile heat of your blighted sun in mind. You’ll find a selection of three of my favorite tinctures, for use however you desire. Blindness, deafness, loss of the senses — I trust you already have their use in mind as you read these words.

I have also attached my latest research notes. Your criticism would be welcomed.

May you walk the hallowed path of our Dark Masters,

Mistress Iraestra Oblodra, Magus of Myrkul

@fatewoven

#I'M SORRY WE KEPT TALKING ABOUT LETTERS AND I JUST!! really wanted to write a letter.....whoopsies....#i tried to strike a balance between professional & magical interest and her fondness for him #you do NAWT need to respond to this it is just a little treat for you! and i had a lot of fun writing it #if you see me doing this instead of my drafts no you didn't #fatewoven #☾ verse 3 ! ❛ —— ( cultist )

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sweetbitterimpossiblecreature · 3 years

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A Brief And Concise Summary Of Is Wrong With The ACOTAR Series

I think we can agree that a lot of ACOTAR is pretty iffy. Consider this a very brief refresher.

What's Wrong With Feyre/Rhysand (juxtaposed against Feyre/Tamlin)

Rhysand drugs and sexually assaults her in Book 1

This is "for her own good". Because he "has no choice". Despite the fact that, from what we know of the plot, Amarantha thinks that Clare Beddor was the one Rhysand was diddling, and is only interested in Feyre because Rhysand, "her" man male, has taken an interest in her.

If we extrapolate from this we can figure that Rhysand is the one directly putting her into danger.

Now, let's be clear: drugging someone is bad. Sexually assaulting someone is bad. One could argue there were extenuating circumstances. But if, in such a situation, what your mind goes to is "I know, I should assault this person... for their safety" I have questions about your moral qualities. There were a million things he could have done. He could have done whatever he did to Clare - that is, remove her ability to feel any pain - easily. He could have helped her escape. Under The Mountain, he - while still there unwillingly - has a lot of power, as Amarantha's side piece. Maybe this would have resulted in him being punished- however, he is hundreds of years old and a badass motherfucker, and she is a nineteen year old human girl.

Now, onto Tamlin. Obviously not a lot of people really ship F/T anymore after ACOMAF, because compared to F/R, it's boring. I read another person's post about it, which was very enlightening: they said that Feyre's personality is essentially a mirror. When she is with Rhysand, she's snarky and malicious- because she is "bouncing off" his energy. When she's with Mor she's super feminist and "in awe of her strength". On the other hand, Tamlin is kind of an empty character. He's a pretty boy with anger issues, which should be more interesting than it is. SJM manages to make him bland. Because Feyre has nothing to bounce off of, (a lot of this is from the person's post), she and Tamlin together is mainly just him introducing her to his world.

What Tamlin Does: prevents a skinny twenty year old from going on dangerous missions with him and combat-trained soldiers, accidentally blows up a room with her in it, and, at the end, prevents her from leaving the house.

This is not a Tamlin apologist post. Obviously it was really fucking gross of him to do that, and their relationship was toxic. However, a lot of his abuse stems from their inability to communicate, as well as own negligence. He does not knowingly and purposefully sexually assault her or rape her mind. And tbh, leaving a girl without combat training at home while he goes on missions with a bunch of muscled sentries is... kind of reasonable?

Again: not a Tamlin apologist post. It was abuse. However, if Rhysand is "allowed" to sexually assault, mind-rape, and drug Feyre "for her own safety", why is Tamlin demonized for preventing her from leaving his mansion "for her own safety"?

Another pertinent point: Rhys is never punished for sexually assaulting her. It is brushed off as part of his "mask" or that his hand was forced. Jesus Christ my dudes, his hand was not forced under her skirt. If he has to maintain his gross rapist abuser tyrant oppressor mask... why? Who did that benefit beside him? None of his actions remotely helped Prythian. They were done solely for his buddies - five people safe in a rich hidden city - and no one else, which is explicitly stated.

Finally, the power dynamic is fucked up. Feyre is less than twenty five years old. Rhysand is 500. There is a tendency in fantasy romance to romanticize a centuries year old man with a young girl, because the man does not show symptoms of age, and so it is easily ignorable. However, can we just briefly acknowledge how fucked up it is? Rhys is over five times older than Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, and other known predators/abusers. She is twenty. That is really fucking gross. She is in a vulnerable position and he takes rampant advantage of that.

If he had wrinkles, liver problems, and erectile dysfunction, more people would acknowledge it.

Let's be clear: I'm not saying writing a book with an uneven power dynamic is automatically bad. For example, in The Locked Tomb series, which is in my opinion THE BEST FANTASY SERIES THAT HAS GRACED THIS EARTH (lol i'm starting fires), one main character Harrowhark Nonagesimus is in a position of power over Gideon Nav, the other main character. However, this is not glossed over or romanticized. Gideon resents Harrow for this- there is a relationship of mutual antagonism, fraught with unwilling familiarity and intimacy from growing up together. They are roughly the same age. While there is a certain power dynamic (in that world, there is a dynamic of necromancer and cavalier, i.e. sorcerer and sword) the "empowered" character (Harrow) emphatically respects her and does not abuse this power, although both would of course deny this, and she does make a show of threatening and being aloof. In short, while Gideon obeys her, Gideon also has power over Harrow, and the idea of what is essentially slavery is not romanticized.

Feyre Doesn't Face Any Consequences For Her Own Actions

Let me present a radical notion: a guy preventing you from leaving his house does not justify completely fucking ruining his country and harming the people inside it.

In other words: Tamlin does not deserve what she did to him.

I know that sounds iffy. We're conditioned to think that if someone is an abuser, then they are the scum of the earth, they deserve to die, torturing/murdering/doing anything to them is completely A-OK. However, here's another radical notion: someone harming you does not justify you doing worse.

Obviously, the effects of psychological abuse can cause you to hurt other people (see: Nesta), but Feyre deliberately and maliciously (oh, God, that insufferable POV of her in Spring Court; she reads like a cartoonish Disney villain) dismantles his country. She uses sexual manipulation (Lucien), torture (causing the sentry to be whipped), and mind-rape (who didn't she do this to? lol).

A summary of the entire first half of ACOWAR: "It smelled like roses. I hated roses. For this capital offense against my olfactory system, Tamlin and the entire Spring Court deserved to burn in hell. I knew exactly what I was doing. I smiled at him sweetly: no longer a doe, but a wolf. He didn't see my fangs.............." *aesthetic noises*

Man. I'm starting to think SJM had a horrible experience at a Bath & Body Works and took it out on the rest of us. Don't do it, Sarah!! I know Pink Chiffon and Triple Berry Martini are way too strong, but don't take it out on an innocent population!!

She steals from Summer Court (there are, yk, other solutions to theft. Like maybe asking politely) and ruins Spring Court. Her boyfriend - yeesh sorry, MATE - does nothing while a dozen Winter Court children are murdered.

Now: moral ambiguity is not automatically bad. Again using The Locked Tomb as an example, in the second book (spoiler alert), Harrowhark has a sort of moral ambiguity. She was raised from the beginning to worship the King Undying as God, and so she obeys him without question. Because of this, she commits a lot of crimes in His name: she "flips" - i.e. kills - the life force of planets, and she plots murder (albeit the murder of someone who tried to kill her first). There is no attempt to justify this. There is also no attempt to paint her as a virtuous and yet also badass Madonna figure. She is desperate, plagued with the "wreck of herself", and the book clearly displays her moral pitfalls. While her POV is of course colored by her mindset, it also is limited by her lack of information, and we as readers can acknowledge that.

BACK TO ACOTAR: Feyre is seen by everyone as gorgeous, formidable, and essentially perfect. Rhys sees her as flawless, "made for him", wonderful, beautiful, blah blah blah. (THEY ARE SO BAD FOR EACH OTHER; THEY EXCUSE AND GLORIFY EACH OTHER'S CRIMES, IT'S SO BAD, GUYYYS). Tamlin is insanely batshit in love with her, or whatever. To the Night Court she's the High Lady. In this way she personifies the Mary Sue character. (Excerpt from the TV Tropes page on Mary Sues: "She's exotically beautiful, often having an unusual hair or eye color, and has a similarly cool and exotic name. She's exceptionally talented in an implausibly wide variety of areas, and may possess skills that are rare or nonexistent in the canon setting. She also lacks any realistic, or at least story-relevant, character flaws — either that or her "flaws" are obviously meant to be endearing. She has an unusual and dramatic Back Story. The canon protagonists are all overwhelmed with admiration for her beauty, wit, courage and other virtues, and are quick to adopt her as one of their True Companions, even characters who are usually antisocial and untrusting; if any character doesn't love her, that character gets an extremely unsympathetic portrayal." Sound familiar?)

There is the Ourobous scene. And yet, paradoxically, while presented as an acknowledgment of her flaws, it is in fact a rejection of them. She sees her own brutality... and instead of recognizing that she has these deep, deep moral flaws and realizing that she needs to grow and be better, she in fact "accepts" them.

Guys: Self love means: "I'm important to me, so I'm going to get a massage today after work", or "heck, why not splurge on some expensive lotion, you only live once" or "you know what? I had a tough day today. I'm going to get that strawberry cupcake". SELF LOVE DOES NOT MEAN "oh, I accept all the war crimes I have done, I love myself". LOVING YOURSELF DOES NOT MEAN ABSOLVING YOURSELF OF ALL WRONGDOING.

It's this refusal to acknowledge wrongdoing that is so grating about ACOTAR. It's so goddamn one-sided. And you can tell that after Book 1, SJM decided to completely change the trajectory simply because of how jarring Book 2 reads compared to the first one.

Also: Feyre is a very, very young girl (compared to the other ruling fey) who did not know how to read for the majority of her life. She has no experience whatsoever in politics. Her being High Lady is not a win for feminism.

Rhysand: He Sucks

First, he is 500 years old. He should be written as such, not as some 20 year old virile frat boy feminist. Fantasy is all the more compelling for its elements of realism, which is a concept that SJM does not appear to grasp.

Second of all, his morals are absurd. He is written as the Second Coming of Christ, as someone who can do no wrong, ever, and his flaws only serve to make Feyre love him more. Anything shitty he does is written as part of his "mask" and she can See Beneath It and knows that it "hurts" him to maintain this "mask".

Fellas, WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAINTAIN THIS MASK???? There is no reason for it. If A) he does not give a shit about Court of Nightmares (we'll get back to that), only about Velaris, and B) Velaris is hidden/protected from the world, what is he pretending for?

It would not hurt him politically to be seen as someone who cares about his country.

"Pretending" to be "Amarantha's whore" does not in any way shape or form benefit the macro-world that is Prythian. In Amarantha's name, he commits atrocities. He commits war crimes; he systemically oppresses entire societies. It doesn't even really benefit Velaris, because Velaris is already hidden.

Let me put this in a real-world perspective. This would be like if Donald Trump was suddenly like: "I know I was a shitty president but IT WAS ALL PART OF MY MASK, WHICH WAS TO PROTECT THIS MICROCOSM OF PRIVILEGED PEOPLE THAT I CARE ABOUT". Like: okay? Sorry, or whatever, but I don't actually give a shit. What about the parents of the children who died? What about Clare Beddor? What about the people who were held in slavery, murdered, tortured?

Rhysand: omg it sucks that my cousin Mor was oppressed by this toxic misogynistic culture from the Court of Nightmares.

Also Rhysand: lol whatever, who gives a shit about Court of Nightmares. They all suck. They meanie. Lol what did you say? That there might be other girls just like Mor who are oppressed by this system? Lol whatever. I can't do anything, I gotta maintain my Mask. I gotta sit on this throne and show the entire Court that not respecting women is completely okay.

In summary: by parading Feyre around as his "whore" (!!) he demonstrates by example that it is completely okay for the Court of Nightmares to abuse their women.

A good ruler cares about all his people. Rhysand cares about a tiny tiny fraction of his people: those who were fortunate enough to be born into Velaris.

God, I'm exhausted. Onto Nesta:

The only character who successfully breaks the Mary Sue effect Feyre exerts on her people is Nesta. Her POV for the first half is a joy to read.

Obviously it sucks that Nesta was a huge bitch to Feyre for the beginning of her childhood. However, it was wrong for Rhysand to threaten her- he is a man male with a huge insane amount of power, and it is not okay for him to threaten to bring the brunt of it down on a young girl because she was a bitch to his girlfriend.

I've seen a lot of discourse on the morality of F/R sending her out of Velaris. Here is my two cents:

It was okay for them to cut her off of their money. If they don't want to enable her self-harm, that is their choice. Again, it's their money, even if it wasn't fairly earned (Rhysand born into an enormous fortune).

It was not okay for them to banish her from Velaris with the implication that she was an embarrassment. Let me explain.

If Rhysand and Feyre are talking to her as sister/brother-in-law, then that is that. They have the complete right to express disapproval and try to help. However, they should not be using their royal privilege against her.

If they are talking to her as ruler to subject, then they have the power to banish her from the city. However, a ruler would not give a shit about a random subject getting drunk and having sex. So, they should not be talking her about her problems as a ruler to subject.

I've heard it compared to her being sent to rehab. However, rehab is a system designed to help people with certain problems. It has specialized medical centers and involves therapy. Nesta gets her life threatened multiple times. It is not rehab.

In summary: why did SJM inflict this upon us. Throne of Glass was actually good! GAHHH! After the first few books she completely whipped around and introduced the idea of males and mates and fey and that C is actually A and the quality took a huge nosedive. Sigh.

Final horrible but unmistakable truth: The entire ACOTAR series reads like a bad A/B/O fic. I hate to say it but it's true. We're lucky there were no heat cycles. OH WAIT

#anti sjm #anti rhysand #anti acotar #anti acofas #anti acomaf #anti everything #anti feyre #to some extent #mentioned: the locked tomb #mentioned: gideon the ninth #mentioned: harrowhark nonagesimus #anti #strongly anti #pan-int #that's my ao3 tag!#meta #my post

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multiplefandomsblog · 3 years

Text

V3 boys accidentally knocking up their s/o in the killing game

desc; how the v3 boys would act if they found they knocked you up during the killing game.

warnings; fem!reader, pregnant!reader, sexual comments, cussing, mentions of sex, mild mild spoilers??

just a small note; I haven't finished the 3rd game yet so I have no idea what happens thus, I apologize if it isn’t too accurate or if there are gaps in my story! Also, i don’t know if reader stays in the killing game long enough to birth a child, so like, i just made it like she did??

Shuichi

to be honest, I think he would find out before you did.

he is extremely observant so he would notice the symptoms right away

He would notice how you got fatigued easily, how you seemed to get nauseated

first, he would ask you if you were late

then, if you said yes, he would tell you straight up.

“S/o, you’re pregnant.” “I- I’m what!?”

he would definitely get worried for you and his baby,

a child born into a killing game is not ideal after all.

would be with you at all times, too scared to let you out his sight

he doesn’t want you or his baby to get hurt or killed by another student

yes, he believes in everyone but he can never be too careful.

he’s constantly pestering you and asking if you’re alright

you have 0 time to yourself, because he’s always with you

would probably hold hands through the bathroom door if you were using the toilet

he would try and prepare everything for when you go into labor

he wanted to make sure that both you and the baby are safe before and after labor

he takes care of you very well, always getting what you need or want

overall, i think he’d be a very responsible dad when the baby is born, probably the best dad out of everyone.

Kokichi

At first kokichi thought you were joking,

“Nishishi! Nice prank, s/o! You almost got me!”

But when you look at him with a serious expression, he goes-

“Wait shit, did we not use protection?”

He’s not sure how to feel about it, so he just puts a fake face on.

He acts super excited and unworried but on the inside he’s not sure what to do.

he would constantly over think and become unsure of himself, the question repeating over and over in his head; Would he be a good dad?

Though he’s concerned for you and the baby, he’s actually kinda happy

he’s excited for all the pranks he and the baby can do against everyone in the killing game.

He has a new pranking partner!

yes, his pranking partner is less than a month old, but still! the baby is going to be a pranking master!

if you had strange cravings, he would try them with you

wanting to, “experience being pregnant with his tongue(kinky?)”

the horny bastard would probably still wanna smash, but definitely more gently than usual, he didn’t want to stab the baby with his dick

I think he’d talk to your baby via belly a lot

he would tell your baby stupid jokes that were kinda inappropriate but still hilarious

“Hmm, it must be nice being inside S/o. I would know, I was too.”

“KOKICHI-” “NISHISHI!” *fucking books it*

i think he’d be a pretty irresponsible dad, but he’d definitely fight for his new family(with pranks)

random headcanon, but i think kokichi would wrap your baby in one of his checkered scarves when it comes out like- ahHHHHHHHHHH

he would also swaddle da baby with his scarf fvhajfgkgavkgbuyg

Korekiyo

When he found out, he was pretty shocked at first

But after the shock, he was insanely happy that he managed to create a human with you.

he adored the fact that his child would be able to make history and continue to live on even after he dies.

He loves humanity, so he’d love the human baby he made with you even more

during your 9 months of pregnancy, he would praise you and your ‘glowing body’ daily

constantly saying stuff like, “Your body is a temple and you are a Goddess.” and “The life growing inside you simply amazing and I am proud to share this experience with an entity such as you.”

You know, that cheesy ooey gooey romantic shit

“S/o, I want to crawl into your body so I can experience being born aga-” “That’s enough of that.”

It's cute and all, but it sometimes gets embarrassing when he is basically worshipping you in public(especially like that).

i think he would tell the baby, folk tales and myths while it was still in your belly

he wanted to raise the baby to be just as curious as he is.

though, behind all these adorable things, kiyo is worried.

don't get me wrong, he does enjoy the other students’ thoughts and strange minds, but he doesn’t trust them for a second.

he would never willingly leave you with another student.

he gets a teensy bit controlling; always asking you to stay in his lab or dorm.

but he won’t get unreasonably angry if you go anywhere else, he just encourages staying in places with less people

if you do need to go somewhere else with other people, he would just follow you

in the end, I think kiyo would be a dad that never neglects his kid(can’t relate-).

he would always be there for them.

K1-B0

K1-B0 doesn’t have the facilities to knock anyone up.

like kokichi asked, do robots even have a penis????

how the hell did you two fuck in the first place!????!

but if somehow, miu gives him a penis and actual sperm??? I guess it could work?? i don't know how it works man- I've never fucked a robot

I think he’d be happy and proud that he managed to impregnate you

“See!? I can do human things too!” “...Impregnating a human, K1B0? Seriously? Too fucking far.”

okay, I can’t take this one seriously T_T

um, if you and K1B0 had a baby, would it be half robot??

through your belly, the baby would make robot noises to communicate and K1B0 would understand which is cool

when the baby was born, he gets very protective; he doesn't want his baby to face the same discrimination and bullying he did

he wouldn’t be afraid that the others would hurt the baby, because he helped build in lazer eyes for his baby.

oh but he definitely would not let his baby go near Miu at all

he would prevent that from happening as much as possible

he’s afraid she’ll do something weird to the baby and add new gadgets,

sure its cool and all for him, but the baby is so young!

I DONT KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABVHGJDFKVJGVJ

Kaito

Kaito would be fucking psyched when you told him, stars in his eyes and everything

“I-I’m gonna be a dad!? whOOOOOOOOOOO!!” He picked you up and hugged you tight, but not too tight; he didn't want to hurt the baby.

But then realization hits him like a truck when he realizes, that the baby was going to be born into a killing game.

He would have a nervous breakdown and cry for about, ehhh a day or so

but once he gets it all out, he focuses on the positives

if it was possible, he loves you even more than he did before!

now that you have a mini you growing inside you(inception!?), its like, double the love :0

he’s giddy everytime he sees you with your baby bump, not being able to resist hugging you every time he sees you.

he loves you so much, it's hard to put in words

he cries when he can feel the baby kick, kissing your belly uwu

when you’re around people he can’t trust in the killing game, he gets very very protective

he would watch their every move, moving to shield you when they move their hands.

but around the people he trusts like shuichi and maki, he’d let his guard down and relax

he would stress out if you were in any discomfort, always making sure you were okay

if your legs or back were sore, he would be there in an instant to massage your joints until his hands fell off

he puts you before himself, sometimes forgetting to take care of his basic needs like, eating or sleeping

you’d have to remind him a lot

I think something cute that he would do while you two slept is holding you or your belly protectively while he dozed off

overall, a goofy dad that makes stupid dad jokes.

would have a lot of proud dad moments

he seems like the type who would embarrass his child a lot lmao

Gonta

uh, gonta is father?

would definitely be shocked and stressed out when you told him

his protective mom dad instinct would intensify and he would constantly be carrying you

1. because he didn’t want your legs to get tired

2. he’s practicing for when he picks up his baby

3. if he carries you like this, no one can reach and/or hurt you

4. because he can

5. and because a gentleman would do that

he doesn't really know what to do when you’re having pregnancy symptoms, like vomiting, nausea, etc.

he’s not great at that part, but he knows how to protect you from danger and he knows how to make sure you’re comfortable

he treats you like a queen(as all women should be treated!)

he isn’t really worried when you’re around other students, but he still picks you up just in case

i think he’d act super sweet, like his sweetness would intensify to 100

he would try cooking a meal for you or giving you breakfast in bed, but it always tastes like boiled eggs in the end?

like no matter what it is, it always tastes like boiled eggs

pasta? boiled eggs

maki rolls(haha)? boiled eggs

sandwich? boiled eggs

“...Mmm! Gonta this is, uh, not at all tasting like boiled eggs!” You tried to say enthusiastically, Gonta nodded with a soft smile, “Gonta glad you like it!”

eventually you caved in and told him(after a few months... you didn't want to hurt the baby—gonta—, okay?)

he’d have to ask kirumi to do all the cooking while he just handed her ingredients

he feels weird when he thinks about the fact that his baby is growing inside you

all he can think about is larva

but he thinks its cool that his creation is going to grow inside you and become another human

so he just rolls with it

Rantaro

(i apologize in advance if this isn’t too accurate)

i feel like i can imagine this:

Rantaro was sitting on the benches outside, drinking his bottled tea. His eyes darted towards your approaching figure. He stored his leftover tea in his cheeks as he gave you a wave, putting his bottle down. “Rantaro, i’m pregnant.” His eyes widened as the tea came spewing out, luckily he turned his head away so you were out of the splash-zone. He dropped his bottle before standing up and immediately hugging you. “I love you so much, we can do this. I love you.” He repeated as he moved his hand up your head, tangling his fingers in your locks.

he would be pester you if you looked like you were in pain or struggling with something, thinking you were going into labor

*breathing pattern changes* “Holy shit! Are you going into labor?? Fuck, okay um, uH hospital?? UH contRACTIOns HOw LoNg?-” “I JUST BREATHED DIFFERENTLY.”

p a n i c

he doesn’t know how the whole pregnancy thing works, he’s only a teen after all

but no matter what, he supports you in any way he can

i think if anyone made a bad comment about your baby or you, he would probably scare the shit out of them with his scary expression

intimidation x100

i headcanon him to be a cuddly dad

he would hold you a lot, he likes feeling all three of you together

small scenario from when the baby was born;

As your baby’s cries filled the room, you sighed as you got up from the bed. Rantaro, however, abruptly stopped your movement, “Don’t worry, I got ‘em.” He rubbed his eyes, kissing your forehead as he gently pushed you back down onto the bed and walked towards the crib.

You watched with droopy eyes as Rantaro gently shushed the baby by bouncing them in his arms. Rantaro made his way back to bed and slipped in beside you, the now quiet baby still in his arms. “Mmm Rantaro no, we’re gonna crush the baby.”

You softly groaned in protest. Rantaro pouted at you, silently pleading with you with his puppy-dog eyes. You let out a huff of defeat before nodding, eyes half-closed. The last thing you saw before dozing off was Rantaro smiling goofily at the baby. You slowly fell asleep, Imprinting a gentle smile on your face as you slept.

sorry for steering the other way for rantaro’s, its 6am ;-; what is sleep anyway? phew, thank you for requesting this! i enjoyed writing it, it was fun :D

- mod chia

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darkmulti · 3 years

Note

Having twins with y!jk so you run away because he wasn’t stable enough to be a dad, but he gets angry and forced u to come back.

-> sorry for any mistakes

⚠️: HEAVY YANDERE BEHAVIOUR, NON CON-ISH

-> uhh, this is kinda dark. Don’t proceed if you’re not comfortable and I definitely do not condone this kind of behaviour. This is all FICTIONAL!

When you were having pregnancy symptoms, you started re-thinking all your life choices

If you hadn’t gone to that bar on that night, maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation

You ended up getting kidnapped by a drug lord, psychopath who’s obsessed with you

He never let you out of his sight

Even if he was on a mission, he had cameras installed to watch you

The man even forced you to marry him because he liked the idea of calling you his wife

no one besides him was allowed to talk to you

You were going insane talking to yourself

anytime you talk to him, it would end up with you under him crying his name

You’ve been “with” him for 3 years now

You’ve been married to him for 2 years

The first year was hell

He didn’t allow you to leave the basement and “forgot” to feed you often

He fucked you every night for hours without stopping

He had so much anger stored up in him and it was taken out on you

You were absolutely terrified of him

He did not communicate well

He had rough sex with you anytime you pissed him off or if he was angry in general

Jungkook was cold and strict

He was so used to getting what he wants, he didn’t know how to get you other than forcing you

The pain would increase everytime so, you ended up submitting yourself out of fear

Jungkook would degrade you and make you feel worthless which was hurting you a lot

However, it did get a little better after submitting yourself

He let you out of the basement

You got meals everyday and you were allowed to wander the house

You share a room and bathroom with him like any other couple

After submitting, he wanted to get married and you had no choice but to agree

If you didn’t agree, he’d probably torture you for the rest of your life

After agreeing, he planned a huge wedding and paid for everything

It was a big day for both of you

Of course Jungkook had to go over the top

Other than family (on Jungkook’s side) mafias, politicians, world leaders, CEOs were all attending the wedding

After the wedding he took you on a beautiful honeymoon

That time of your life was the best

He was gentle and sweet

It was like he turned into a new person

But it soon ended when you both returned from the honeymoon

It was back to being a living sex doll for him

You needed to tell Jungkook that you have no more pills but he left early in the morning

You got up and had a pretty normal day until he came home

When he arrived, you got up to hug him, but he pushed you to the floor and yelled at you

“FUCK! THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!”

You didn’t know what he was talking about but you apologized anyways just in case

“I’m sorry! P- Please, I- I don’t know what I did b-but I’m r-really sorry!” You said, sobbing

He pulled you up and slammed your face against the wall before pulling down your skirt and panties

He rammed in without lub, earning a struggled scream from you

He dominated you completely

You were shaking in fear

Your legs went numb and you collapsed on the floor

He left you there on the floor and went upstairs

If you told him now, he would definitely be angry with you

A couple days later, you were having pregnancy symptoms so you put two and two together

You kept your pregnancy a secret for as long as you could

Luckily, Jungkook was going out of the country due to a heist he planned

Since he was leaving, he added extra security to make sure you won’t runaway during that time

Jungkook was extremely stressed about the hesit so the last thing he needed was you running away from him

But you of course took this as your chance to leave as well

You booked a bus ticket on Jungkook’s computer and printed the ticket out

You took all the cash you could find and left

You manage to fool his security somehow and escape to the bus stop

You couldn’t go to the police either because they had some kind of alliance

You knew Jungkook would be right on your ass after you escaped because of all the security cameras he has

Plus he could look at the computer and printer history to see where your bus was going

But you had a couple hours head start

somehow with the couple hundred dollars you had, you manage to escape from him until your two sons were born

You moved cities about three times until you were 8 months pregnant

While you were pregnant you worked three jobs to save as much as you could

Then you opened a bank account with your children’s name, not your own or else Jungkook could track you down

You put all your earnings into that bank account and depended on it for survival

You were living in a small, cheap apartment with your two sons

You went on maternity leave so your jobs were still paying you a little bit

You only went out when necessary

It seemed impossible

You had absolutely nothing but your boys kept you going

You wouldn’t eat for days because you were afraid of spending too much

You wanted to go to the food bank to get some food but it’s a hassle to get the kids ready and take them on the bus

It was hard and dangerous so you’d rather not eat until it was necessary

You thought to yourself that you may have it hard now, but at least you’re away from Jungkook

Well that all came crashing down when he broke in your apartment at midnight with his men

You were petrified

You grabbed your kids and hid them in the closet

They were crying but you quickly hushed them and covered them with your clothes before going at to Jungkook and begging for forgiveness

He was angry of course

He was about to slap you but he heard a child’s cry which made him stop

Jungkook raised his eyebrow before pushing you out of the way and going towards the crying

You quickly get in front of the closet and beg him not to hurt his own children

“Get out of my way! You’ve already done enough! What are you hiding from me?!”

He opened your closet door only to see the boys crying

Jungkook noticed how they looked exactly like him

“So this is why you left? I was a dad this whole time.”

“I’m s-sorry. I thought you’d hurt me or the kids.”

“SO YOU DECIDED TO LEAVE ME WITH MY KIDS?!” He yelled, making the kids cry harder along with you

“I-I’m sorry! I-I didn’t kn-know what to do.” You sobbed

“Jungkook you can hurt me all you want, but don’t hurt our kids, p-please. I did everything for them. D-don’t hurt them please.”

“Take the kids in the car. I have to talk to her.”

His men took them away and you both were left

You were still hesitant about your kids leaving without you, but you couldn’t do anything

You started to breathe normally and spoke

“Jungkook please. I regret everything. I’m sorry. It was hard for me to make the decision but I really thought you were going to hurt our kids. Please don’t hurt them. Please. I’ll do anything. You can kill me if you’d like but please promise me that you’ll t-take care of them.”

He closed the room door and walks towards you

You knew exactly where this was going

And you submitted yourself again

His men took your kids back to his place while he fucked you non-stop

Jungkook had never been this rough with you

You were so hungry and feeling a thick cock thrusting in your empty stomach hurt so badly

But the entire time you were thinking about your kids

You’re doing this for them

It’s okay if you get hurt as long as they are safe

You were slowing losing yourself

Your body was low on energy

Jungkook was completely dominating you

He pinned you down and fucked your empty stomach for as long as he could

He kept telling you that he’s going to take your kids away from you and put them up for adoption so you started to cry harder

“Jungkook please! Don’t do that please! You can use me h-however you want, b-but don’t... don’t t-take them away from me.”

Jungkook was only scaring you

He wanted to keep his sons as well but seeing you so hurt turned him on

He fucked you until the sun came up then pulled out and collapsed on top of you

“This is just the beginning of your punishment. Just wait until we get home.”

#bts yandere #jungkook yandere #non con

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plenilune · 2 years

Text

so here's the thing, and this is going to sound completely unhinged in light of a few posts ago, but this is my pretend insane secret diary to a billion strangers, and I don't have to perfectly explain myself* -- the thing is I stopped having most emotions some time ago, and the total absence of emotions in the spaces where emotions would normally pool to fill has made me, in my current insanity, unsure as to whether or not I have ever actually had an emotion or if all of them were simply me feeling what I was told or expected to feel in the moment.

[*I do actually. If I do not perfectly explain myself I will die.]

there was certainly a lot of my childhood in which I was expected to feel certain ways about certain things -- certain types of wonder or curiosity or religious fervour or empathy or loyalty, and some of the ways I performed those expected emotions were good and some were Very Incorrect and needed to Stop At Once, and also not to feel certain things, which other than crippling depression I mostly didn't, somehow* and somewhere along the way I became very numb and confused and frequently don't realise I've had an emotional reaction to something until significantly later, when I still don't feel anything about it but I seem to be experiencing symptoms of having had that emotion. generally this is one of the negative ones because if you have symptoms of having been excited about something or touched by something or whatever they don't tend to make themselves NOTICED, because they're ordinary things that don't stick out. I mean like -- dissociating through a time of intense stress and not really feeling a way about it and then a few weeks later I start having certain types of cycling thoughts or I stop eating or I become very paranoid or avoidant of something related to that experience or have sudden negative stabbing psychic pains when accidentally brushing against a memory related to that thing, but the original emotion about the experience still isn't something I can find or access. things like the time I tried to read a book I'd recently bought that wasn't related to anything bad that had happened to me, but when I opened it the paper smelled so intensely of my incredibly toxic bookstore job that it replicated the stress and mental gnaw of my shifts there in my little electrical feeling producers, which made me feel DEEPLY batshit, especially as over a year had gone by since I'd left that job. or just -- I don't know, this sort of thing happens all the time but my memory is so poor that I can't think of any of it. most of it's been much worse and much weirder but it's very difficult to explain.

[*like, I think I did have a lot of queer and trans feelings as a child, but I didn't process them or notice them and at the time it certainly didn't seem to be making me miserable, that those things were very bad and I shouldn't be them or go near them? they didn't seem to be relevant or connected to me at all. but they certainly seem to have contributed to, say, feeling completely alienated by the existence of my own body, slowly reconnecting to the experience of having a body in my fucking thirties and mostly then because of back and forth dysphoria, and me unable to tell if the previous period of me in my mid-twenties really liking how my body presented as feminine with a new ability to show myself off as potentially desirable was equally real, or something I only partially understood at the time, or me thinking I felt good about an experience I had all of the social structures present to tell me that I ought to feel good about it, and now that not all of those social structures apply to me I have no road map telling me how to feel so I simply don't?

the thing is I still like to be hot now too and I love to be desired and touched (in theory; if more than about five randomly chosen people touch me I will burst into flames, but I LIKE to be TOUCHED by people I LIKE) so maybe NO emotions are real and maybe I'm just an AI poorly and inconsistently programmed, which certainly aligns with my most prominent paranoid delusion, which is that I'm not Real in some obvious sense but if I let anyone find this out I will be Punished and it is the Worst thing that could Possibly Happen. also it could happen at any time because it's very obvious that I'm not a real person!]

[have I just repressed and de-realised all Forbidden Emotions for so long -- since very early childhood -- that I've never figured out how to have them because instead of having them and feeling ashamed or frightened or rebellious like most people seem to I simply deleted them? case in point: I certainly discovered I had some confusing issues about my attraction to non-men being seen as predatory and the existence of my sexual desire for someone inherently damaging and hurtful and a source of shame in a previous very toxic relationship, but in that case the cause wasn't any party's internalised homophobia, I think? but as far as I could examine it, it did seem to stem from a lot of repressed internalised shame from the first two decades of my life set off by the other party's incredibly specific control issues. but why did that shame never switch on when I was, say, making out with a woman I'd just met in a public bathroom years before?]

annoyingly this post seems to have become somewhat bafflingly about my sexuality when what I am trying to unpack is how I don't feel most emotions other than shame and guilt and keep feeling increasingly threatened by the knowledge that other people need and require me to have emotions about things but I don't know which ones all the time and even if I intellectually know what the emotion is I have no idea how to reach for it or perform it adequately and I also recognise that this is VERY INSANE, especially because it started with things years ago like me not feeling very connected to my family and now it's processed to me panicking at work constantly because everyone seems to have all of these feelings and loyalties and base compassions and the capacity for genuine curious interest in certain types of details about complete strangers and I have no idea what ones are being asked of me in an interaction but every time I get through one situation there's ANOTHER one and I'm so braced against someone getting angry at me for having wrong bad or no emotions that I have become hostile and paranoid and feel flickers of repressed electrical rage at perfectly ordinary interactions.

absolutely none of these run-on sentences are coherent. I'd better cut off here for now.

#the diary #i have no idea if any of this is going to help #but i have to start trying to sort out my thoughts at some point because otherwise i am just thinking them constantly with no resolution #and i am only getting worse #and i can't unload this on a single specific human in the world because it is absolutely too much for anyone to have to carry

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palmett-hoes · 3 years

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per your post "every single one of the monsters is autistic and/or adhd" will you elaborate on that?, if you do i will love you forever (not that i wont if you dont do it)

oh boy i would love to!!! unironically nothing brings me more joy than writing long, convoluted character analysis posts

---

okay so i’ve written several posts before about why andrew is autistic. his moral code, the roundabout way he communicates, his body language, his stimulation-seeking behavior, his strict adherence to transactional deals, the emphasis on honesty, and a dozen other details. at this point i just take andrew being autistic as fact, not just an interpretation

h o w e v e r i also hc that andrew is dyslexic, which is also a neurodiverse condition

- - -

similarly, i’ve seen more than one person interpret kevin as autistic, and i absolutely agree that it fits. not just the hyperfocus on exy but mostly the way he communicates. he’s very indirect, especially in his affection but very direct with his opinions. he tries to be helpful in a material way to the people he cares about, even if he comes off as negative. he wants the people he cares about to be safe and successful so he pushes them to work hard and reminds them in measurable ways how to stay healthy. he doesn’t factor in a lot of room for emotions, so instead he focuses on quantifiable things that he can improve. i personally act very similarly. approaching someone emotionally is hard for me, so when the people i care about have problems all i can think to do is try offering solutions, check up on their well-being, etc. practicality instead of conventional sentiment is extremely common with asd

- - -

so now let’s talk about neil. i had to think on this one for a WHILE but ultimately came to the conclusion that neil is adhd, probably hyperactive type.

like obviously neil is high energy. i would say he probably does the most exercise of anyone on the team. morning run, morning practice, afternoon practice, night practice with kevin and andrew, plus he doesn’t have a car so he runs to class (on a BIG ass campus), and goes for an extra run when he feels stressed. that’s... insane, honestly.

neil reminds me SO MUCH of this post that goes:

“Was just informed by my mom that I do in fact have ADHD and the reason I thought I didn’t was because ever since I was seven whenever I got super energetic my mom would have me go chop wood so now when I’m feeling The ADHD I go chop wood”

(phenomenal post) and that’s neil to a t. tell me this isn’t exactly how neil handles his problems and also exactly what mary would have had to do to keep her unmedicated and very energetic son focused on the task of staying alive

neil also definitely has that ADHD on/off switch with his interest. the obvious being exy which is like the definition of a hyperfixation, but you can see it in other things: the way he runs totally hot or totally cold with people, his complete disinterest in his schoolwork, the way he can’t seem to sit still long enough to follow movies. but then there’s also the hyperfocus. doing the same drill for hours on end. watching exy game after exy game. staring at andrew until time falls away

what’s more, neil on many occasions shows racing thoughts, both in an anxiety way (and anxiety often goes hand-and-hand with adhd) but also as a way to quickly and accurately take in details about people to build a character profile of them. this is what allows him to connect with the foxes, how he manages to get through andrew’s puzzles, and even how he knows what to say in order to knock riko down a peg. his brain just works so fast and it takes in a lot of very specific details and disparate information to make connections.

but also like,, neil has a HUGE problem with time blindness. like the instant he didn’t have his mother around to manage and direct him anymore he lost all sense of time. he stayed in Millport for a YEAR. and what did he keep telling himself during that time? basically “i really need to move on, but not just yet.” for a YEAR! then he gets to palmetto and he’s like “i’ll cut and run in a month or two” then he doesn’t “i’ll be gone by halloween” wrong again “i’ll leave by the raven’s game” nope. like,, the boy just has NO sense of time and he can’t seem to make himself DO anything outside of an externally enforced schedule. and even then,,, HE HAD 48 FUCKING DAYS TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING TO DO TO NOT GET MURDERED! 48 WHOLE DAYS. he didn’t make a plan, he didn’t write down any letters with goodbyes, he didn’t GO TO THE FBI LIKE HE’D INTENDED TO THE WHOLE TIME! nah he just made out with andrew and when he finally got to zero he was just like “ah shit, that was fast. oh well guess i’ll die” and that’s time blindness, babey!

---

let’s move on to nicky.

now i think it would be really easy to say nicky is just adhd because he’s high energy and forgetful but tbh,, i don’t think that’s all of it. like if you really look at nicky’s character and especially at his problems, he has asd problems just as much as he has adhd problems.

so nicky is dual diagnosis asd and adhd. also nicky reminds me a lot of a girl i used to know who was autistic/adhd

so, adhd:

very generally speaking, ppl with adhd will struggle with sitting still, listening to and following instructions, planning/organization, following a schedule, and some social boundaries like “appropriate” times and topics of conversation

i would say you see hints of this with nicky. he’s definitely a rambunctious personality, constantly on the move, constantly stimulation seeking. he’s very tactile. he likes to dance, he likes to party, he complains about it but he’s an elite-level athlete. he’s also decidedly very chatty, and doesn’t seem to really pay attention to what he’s saying. he distracts himself and the people around him have to keep him on track. he has some trouble with boundaries. he’s a little all over the place. he’s almost a bit of an adhd stereotype

also one thing i find interesting is that when neil sees him in the library doing work neil is surprised to see he’s capable of that, especially bc when we see the upperclassmen doing work they generally do it in their dorms or on the bus and/or with other people around. that hyper-social nicky would be alone in a quiet place is weird. but this is like the most common tip for dealing with adhd. don’t do it in a familiar space. have a designated space and time to do work. limit distractions. just a lil detail

so now, asd:

in all honesty, most of nicky’s actual problems in the narrative could be viewed as stemming from asd symptoms. his number one issue being that he has a lot of trouble with nonverbal cues (and tbh, verbal ones too). the twins are mostly quiet. andrew especially (when he’s sober) communicates primarily nonverbally, and nicky seems to have a lot of trouble with this. despite knowing them for the longest on the team, nicky honestly seems to have the least insight into the way either of the twins actually thinks or processes things. he loves them, and he’s very forgiving of them, but he fundamentally doesn’t understand them.

the twins, andrew especially, put up a LOT of nonverbal boundaries, and nicky sort of inadvertently keeps trampling all over them. he’s touchy in a way they don’t like. he talks a lot about their personal lives to other people. he treats them like they’re joking when they’re serious. etc. and like,,, you kind of get the sense that the upperclassmen feel similarly about him. beyond the homophobia, beyond the fact that he’s loyal to andrew, the upperclassmen still treat him with this sense of,, bafflement, i suppose? it’s clear that they don’t really understand him and he doesn’t really understand them. although, nicky IS curious about the upperclassmen, while the upperclassmen are pretty dismissive of him. it reminds me of when my sweet, floppy dog tries to play with my cat. their body language is different; they’re each receiving different signals than they believe they’re sending out

only,, nicky loves people!! he likes being around them, he likes talking to them. he’s interested in their lives and stories, but it’s very clear that he can’t read between the lines on people. he has an incredibly hard time with people who expect their actions to speak for them, which is most people, but is especially his cousins.

actually this is very much also an issue that i have: things need to be spelled out for me. the way i deal with it is i ask a lot of questions. ‘how do you want me to react to this potential situation?’ ‘what are specific things that make you most comfortable?’ ‘please explain to me exactly how you feel and what has prompted those feelings?’ and i’m always communicating vice versa like that with other people. a lot of specifics in both questions and answers

and the interesting thing is, when i was skimming through the books reviewing dialogue styles for another ask, i noticed that, actually, nicky DOES do this. with neil and the upperclassmen, nicky asks a LOT of quick, clarifying questions. things that ask after tone, that ask after intent. it’s kinda sad that he does this for communicating with acquaintances, but with the twins, the people he’s closest to, he makes a lot more assumptions. and i’m really proud of nicky for having this coping skill, because i can’t imagine it’s something he grew up doing. there’s no way he was raised in an environment that fostered this kind of open communication so it must have been something he learned about much later, probably in germany with the kloses, which would also explain why he’s a lil imperfect about it

---

now last but not least, aaron

this is another one i had to think through for a long time before it felt like it fit

much like how i felt that it would be easy to read nicky as simply adhd rather than also asd, i think it would be easy to say aaron is autistic simply because he is quieter, less rambunctious. however, i actually think he’s adhd, likely primarily inattentive type

in all honesty, aaron’s #1 character trait for the first two books is basically that he’s disconnected. detached. separated both from his family and his team. not in the same forcefully apathetic way that andrew is, more,, spaced out. he’s just kind,, there. not really paying attention to what’s going on, tuning in every once in a while only if something really catches his eye/ear then tuning right back out again. just sits in his corner and plays on his phone. and the thing is, from the moments when he does tune in, you can tell that he actually does care. he backs nicky when seth insults him in tfc, and we know he cares deeply about andrew even if he’s become disillusioned with their fraught relationship. he even hangs with his family, doesn’t seem to really try and slip away to other friends besides katelyn, he’s fine spending his leisure time with the monsters. so it’s not totally apathy, he’s just,,, tuned out most of the time

and, yea, that sounds like adhd. it’s not the type that most people are familiar with, and for a lot of people this causes it to slip under the radar. it can make it hard to get help or a dx because it doesn’t fit with how adhd “should” look or how someone “should” act, but difficulty focusing your thoughts and staying in tune with the current moment is absolutely part of adhd

addiction is also a huge problem for people with adhd. a lot of stimulants affect people with adhd very differently than neurotypicals, especially in small doses, and an adhd kid who’s struggled their whole lives with the disorder might try speed or god-forbid meth or fuck even coffee and suddenly find that things are a lot easier for them. they start to self-medicate, they don’t actually know what they’re doing, and then they’re addicted, and everything spirals out of control. we don’t know too many details about aaron’s addiction other than that his mother enabled him, but wouldn’t this fit? it’s also an explanation for aaron still taking drugs at eden’s, given that cracker dust seems to be a mild amphetamine. (aaron talk to betsy about the neurocog and get an actual prescription please)

(total throw away but aaron plays videogames and videogames are like,, adhd culture)

#Anonymous #txt #andrew minyard #kevin day #neil josten #nicky hemmick #aaron minyard #my posts #im talkin #cw addiction #cw addiction mentioned

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flying-elliska · 3 years

Text

Shadow and Bone Season 1 Review

Ok so I got distracted by a need to watch all of Ben Barnes' filmography (lmao) but here is my review : It was really fun to watch and it was clearly made with love which is already the main thing with YA fantasy, which is often turned into a soulless moneygrab when put on screen. The actors were GREAT. I did think that the Crows suffered from being mashed up with the Shadow and Bone story, but they were still a highlight. I also think it was a bit rushed, esp. when it came to Alina's training. The costumes were beautiful, I want a kefta now. Plus the crossover fanfic interactions btw the SaB characters and the Crows were just pure joy. Also Milo, obviously <3 I'm in hyperfixation mode so here, have an essay :

The "Shadow and Bone" Characters :

- Jessie Mei Li !!!!!! She really made me like Alina so much more than in the books, she absolutely is the 'human embodiment of literal sunshine' and she was a joy to watch. Her character's arc is cliché but her acting is so expressive and endearing, I really felt for her all the way through. (maybe I'm biased bc Jessie talking about her ADHD and seeing her thrive at the same time is like!!! i love them they deserve all the best.) I like that they made Alina more proactive - even though she does make some stupid decisions... but I just don't understand people who put that down as bad writing, like ??? have you ever met a real person who only makes wise, good decisions ?? a character like that would either be at the end of their story or just in the background because that makes them static. The things with the maps in the beginning does a good job of illustrating how she is just this one girl making rash, erratic decisions out of fear and loyalty and doesn't have a sense of the bigger picture, caught in the tide of bigger events. It works for her character. When it comes to the choice of making her half-Shu, I do think it really makes sense re: her character feeling like an outsider but I do understand the criticisms that the microaggressions felt too relentless and one-note. I am really looking forward to them introducing Tamar and Tolya and hopefully connecting to them over her heritage in a more positive way.

- Mal in the books was one of the most annoying YA characters I've ever come across, so I really liked that they made him much more of a loyal, devoted friend. I found his relationship with Alina cute, it really gives us the sense that these are two orphans who found a home in each other, childhood best friends (and potential sweethearts) separated by war, two army grunts and ordinary people caught up in the wheels of power and war that usually crushes people like them, it's a great way to introduce the dynamics of their world and it's a trope that always makes me emo. It felt a bit too one note to me, though, and too heavily on the nose, like Mal's only personality was his attachment to Alina (and his resentment towards the Grisha) and too much of her emotional arc also relied on him. Them hitting us over the head with the meadow scenes felt like pure telling instead of showing and it ended up being super repetitive and kind of annoying. I am willing to like this pairing, but I wanted more scenes of them just having conversations about things and really understanding why they like each other beyond the whole childhood friends bond that we're asked to accept exists at the beginning. So I hope there's more depth there in next seasons.

- Ben Barnes!!!! Just jksdfhgkdjghdf. I'm not a big villain stan usually and I hated the Darkling in the books but DAMN his performance is just amazing. They managed to make him more sympathetic and human while at the same time making clear the stuff he does is deeply horrible. There's the Magneto-aspect of 'well clearly his methods are fucked up but he's addressing a terrible injustice nobody is doing anything about' that makes it very tempting to root for him ; and again, well, like, Ben Barnes is so hot and charismatic it feels uncomfortable (which I guess is part of the point lol). His loss of humanity is, up to a point, understandable, brought about by despair, loneliness, grief and a sense of powerlessness - living so long he starts to see other people as disposable, losing so many people he stops caring, seeing over and over how hate never seems to stop, etc. It's a logical explanation for going insane.

But the hunger for power is also very much present as a motivation and this ambiguity is there constantly. Does he maybe come to genuinely care for Alina or is it totally bullshit ? I think he does, he's just so fucked up that it comes out as possessiveness and a need to control her. He wants Alina to be his equal but he's incapable of treating her that way. It's tragic, in a sense, but the show doesn't excuse his actions either. Like his monstrosity is a product of this world full of injustice, yes, and that warrants some compassion, monsters are always a symptom of their environment in some ways and dehumanizing them completely is an excuse ; but at the same time, he sabotaged his own cause anyway the moment he started to treat other people like things, as he does with Alina, because that just perpetuates the cycle of violence and hate. At some point he started feeling like he was the only solution and he was owed power for his sacrifices, and he's using his cause as an excuse. When Alina came to him, there was a possibility for redemption, taking down the Fold, and it's a test because there is finally someone on his level of power. But instead of seeking to remedy the power imbalance between them, he made it worse, by lying to her, manipulating her, etc, and the antler collar is the ultimate sign of this.

I love those scenes towards the end (the antler-based body horror has big Hannibal vibes, so messed up). I like Alina telling him they could have had this, that she had compassion for him and his cause, that they could have worked together, and he's the one responsible for screwing it up and this time his claim that he's the misunderstood victim ("Make me your villain") appears delusional and self-serving instead of somewhat justified. The almost-lovers to enemies vibes, the sense of lost potential, and the angst of the whole 'oh you could finally have been loved by people, too bad you fucked it up !', very juicy. There is this fundamental idea that power/respect/love is not something you are owed no matter how good your intentions are or because you're strong or you have suffered or you're willing to commit horrible drastic actions, you have to keep proving you deserve it, and trying to claim power without responsibility of care turns you into a monster. The thing with the stag was an excellent metaphor of the fact that there's things you can't take, they have to be given to you, and the wonderful power there is in understanding that is what allows Alina to harness the stag amplifier's power. This is really when she escapes his grim utilitarian outlook and a different way forward and owns her own power fully on her own terms.

Anyway I hope Alina gets to beat the shit out of him at some point that would be very sexy but I'm also looking forward to see how their arcs parallel and diverge from each other as Alina starts to grapple more with the implications of her power and the harsh dilemmas of war and her own dark side. I want to see him become scared of her, and I feel it will be more visible than in the books where he just has this cold aggressive facade all the time. This one feels a lot more openly emotional which is just a lot more interesting.

- As for the other characters ; Zoya mostly made me sad. The actress has the perfect vibes but I'm not sure I love their take on her character so far, it does make sense in terms of the later books - that she has internalized prejudice regarding her mixed-race heritage, that she is jealous of Alina because of how hard she's fought to get where she is and Alina kind of takes it away from her, etc. But I would have liked to see a bit more of her being badass and sharp-tongued in a clever (even if mean) way instead of spending most of her time being rejected by men and being racist towards Alina. I did like the ending though, of her actually seeing the monstrosity of the Darkling in action and the mention of her aunt. And her brief bonding with Inej was great, just because it was badass but also maybe because it could be a part of Zoya learning to accept her Suli heritage in turn, maybe not right away but in time, when thinking of that part of herself, she won't only think of her parents' ruined marriage and all the pain it caused, but also of that badass and brave acrobat girl who went toe to toe with these really scary monsters without even having any powers and !!!!!

- Also Leigh's cameo was so cute and as an aspiring writer this is just such wish fulfillment

- I honestly think that having the Crows there actually made the S&B story better ? Not only in terms of the much needed levity breaks but also in terms of themes. For instance, Matthias and Nina's story gave us a really raw and visceral view of how the Grisha are hunted. And Inej's relationship to Alina really gave us a sense of what Alina actually means to people who believe in the Saints in a way that doesn't feel just like 'ugh those superstitious people' because we know that Inej's faith is part of what makes her who she is and a person with morals, and something that saw her through the worst moments of her life. It feels so special that she got to meet Alina and given a sign that maybe the world is not completely shitty. And Alina's kindness towards Inej really gives you a sense that she might be, or become worthy of that belief in time, or at least that she wants to, that she's figuring out her power to really touch people's lives might be a good thing, and that she's starting to accept this responsibility more fully. And her arming Inej is a nice parallel to that. I'm very emotional about this scene, because one of the first things we see of young Alina is her taking out a knife to defend Mal from the bullies, because she's protective and brave, but she's also aware the world is a shitty place, and so her giving that knife to Inej is a sort of spiritual transmission and recognition of sorts, that she trusts Inej with that fighting power, that she'll use this knife to defend herself and her loved ones and not abuse it. It's so interesting. And a counter point to the Darkling's fucked up relationship to power that Alina might at some point get afraid she'll replicate. That you could see Alina trying to gather followers and using people's admiration for her like he did but instead she sets them free and empowers them. It's great. And I feel that when Inej takes to the seas, she'll think about Alina. (I do hope somebody tells her Alina's not dead at some point though god). Girls giving each other knives is my spirituality, honestly.

- And I also noticed an interesting parallel between Kaz and the Darkling in terms of being two emo dudes who like to wear black, are prone to violence and have a thing for two very powerful women they think are special and want to have at their side, but of course, they go about it in very different ways. The Darkling comes at it from a place of power while Kaz comes from a place of utter powerlessness, first of all, and he understands why it's important to set Inej free. Him spending the entire season trying to earn enough money to pay off Inej's indenture is the opposite to the Darkling putting that collar on Alina and while I do have issues with how the show portrays him, I do love that. Love is about setting the person you love free !!!! And that confrontation scene was so powerful, when Kaz tells the Darkling Alina was tired of being a captive ! Drag him !

- As for Genya, I liked the actress and her chemistry with Alina, but I'm not sure they did a great job of making her arc very clear, for instance what it means for her to get that red kefta, her relationship with the other Grisha, etc. Her and David are already very cute though. Also very much looking forward to see where that goes.

So yeah I think they did a great job with this bit actually, I enjoyed a lot more than I think I would and even though it is a very tropey story, there's plenty of depth there too.

The Crows :

- I'm a bit more nitpicky about this because I care about these characters so much. I think overall the problem is that the SaB story in the books happens on this massive scale with enormous stakes, and that next to that the Crows' issues feel less important ; it's like their impact is distorted by the gravity of the much larger story. Like for instance, Kaz in the books is very much at the center of everything, this larger than life trickster figure who knows and controls almost everything by sheer cleverness, and he has this sense of allure and mystique that can't happen here, and so his aura just shrinks. On top of that they're not on their home turf. Being introduced to these characters before they've reached their full levels of badass is weird - there is a reason why prequels generally happen after the main stuff, because they count on the love you have for these characters at their full potential to make you interested in their story when they were less badass and interesting. So I had several moments where I was like 'oh this feels wrong'. Tbh the idea that they would even volunteer to kidnap Alina in the first place, what with Inej's backstory, feels kind of wrong, esp since they had no idea of what would happen to her if they succeeded.

- But I still enjoyed a lot of it though, especially the fact that they were this force of chaos in the midst of this bigger narrative that's a lot more self-serious. The bits with the train, or the circus acts were very clever. A lot of the best moments in the show happen when they come to disturb the other plot in unexpected ways. I'm still dead over the whole 'Alina jumps into their carriage' scene, that was fucking gold. The team up at the end !!!! Alina and Kaz making a deal ! Inej stabbing the Darkling !!!! Them stealing the Darkling's carriage !!! They don't give a shit that the story is supposed to be super dramatic it's great.

- Jesper is the one character they completely nailed from start to finish and he's probably my favorite part of the whole show. He's very funny without being reduced to the role of comic relief ; he's just so! damn! cool!!!!!!! I honestly feel this is a thing they actually did even better than in the books, or at least Six of Crows where I felt Jasper kind of disappeared behind Kaz and they insist a lot on his flaws and issues. So before we dig more into those problems I love that they gave him time to be this ultra badass who saves the day several times ; while at the same time, hinting at further developments like his powers or his gambling issues. Kit Young is just perfect, confident without being arrogant, a bit cold when it comes to crime while at the same time being so obviously caring with Inej - I loved their friendship, that was so sweet. My main criticism is that they should have made it clearer he was bi because there are already people calling him gay and that's very annoying. I know some people had a problem with his hookup and like...I can see it's a bit of a cliché...the charming badass bisexual adventurer....it's a trope I kind of love though lmao and the scene itself felt kind of cute and fun. He's not the only person who is shown to have an active sexuality and he's also not the only queer person around and we know he's going to have a more substantial romantic arc later so eh. On a larger note I loved the little casual hints of completely normalized queerness - Nadia thirsting over Zoya, Fedyor and Ivan, Poppy, etc. Having grown up with fantasy where queerness was either completely erased or very tormented and problematic, this was refreshing as hell.

- Inej and Kaz...my faves... They have a kind of relationship which feels so rare and unique in terms of what exists on TV and while I don't feel they entirely replicated it, the core is still there - the mutual respect and building of trust, the longing, the repression, the trauma, etc. One thing I really like is their arc around faith - in the books, Kaz is dismissive of Inej's faith in ways that often feel really shitty and I like that he learns to be more respectful of it. It's very much linked to hope/survival ; Inej keeps this token from her parents and she hopes to find them again ; Kaz tells her it's no use and she'll survive better if she gives up. He believes Alina is a fake, while Inej wants to believe that myths can come true and there is hope for good things in the world. Kaz comes to accept that Alina is the real deal and, out of respect for Inej's faith, to stop pursuing her. I loved the bit about Inej struggling to kill as well - it's the dilemma of what her survival and that of the people she really cares about are worth in such a shitty world - her compassion is a good part of her but so is her survival instinct, and that's the part Kaz represents - that even after she's been through hell, broken in unfathomable ways, even if she gave up all hope and faith in the world, even she becomes dangerous and ruthless to survive, she will still deserve dignity, and to be treated better. And meanwhile she is willing to break her principles, which she holds so dearly, to save him, when he's never had anyone who cared for him like that - enough to keep him alive. That bit in the church !!!!! God !!!!!! Bye !!!!!!! And then him basically calling her his own version of a Saint, that he doesn't believe in miracles but he does believe in her !!! It's very emblematic of their whole arc ; he empowers her to survive in a ruthless world and loves her at her most dangerous ; but he loves her laugh too, he finds her a ship and her parents, he honors her capacity for love and hope even when he can't share it. And she sees that he's capable of doing better, that he's worth caring for. This whole thing kills me honestly and I can't wait to see where they take this next. I'm not mad they're a bit more soft and obvious than in the books, Kaz would just have come across as an an asshole otherwise.

- That said, there are bits of how they introduced their backstories I don't like. I get that making it so Inej was still tied to the Menagerie gave them a very powerful reason to want to kidnap Alina beyond greed so that they wouldn't look like very shitty people. But in the books Inej is terrified by the idea of simply seeing Heleen or the Menagerie and the way they have her interact with her feels weirdly casual and dismissive of her trauma. Also, in the books, the fact that Kaz had to convince Per Haskell to buy Inej's contract through a lot of effort, that he wasn't the one holding that above her head either, made the power dynamics more palatable. I especially disliked the scene where Kaz says he won't free other girls because just Inej is special, it makes him look like he has the power but he's just too much of a callous asshole to do it, and that he just freed Inej because he liked her which is absolutely not what their relationship is about at the start, it's a lot more about seeing Inej's dangerous side behind a facade of powerlessness and relating to her, in a sense, and this scene made it all feel cheap.

- Also, what was that about Inej having a brother ? Not a fan of that either. I'm afraid they're going to make her story all about finding what happened to him, and that's 1) too on the nose similar to Kaz's story and 2) it kind of cheapens her own arc, a female character realizing that what was done to her was wrong, reclaiming her own power and dignity and then making sure it doesn't happen to anybody else, harnessing her personal experience to save strangers, that's so powerful - making it about a family member at first, especially if it's about revenge, it's so much more simplistic and unoriginal and the perspective really annoys me.

- Also not a fan of Per Haskell not being there because he's a very important part of Kaz's evolution, so I hope he shows up eventually - and the way they introduced Pekka Rollins was kind of like...weird and out of place. I just found the Crows' introduction scenes stilted and not as cool as they should have been - well, Jesper and Inej were very cool, but we needed to see Kaz in action first, we needed to see why he's such a menace before we see him flounder later, and I just...I don't know exactly but it didn't work for me. Also this is a very petty thing but I wasn't crazy about the Ketterdam sets, I know this is probably a budget thing but in my head it looked like this incredible mix of Amsterdam and Venice - specific locations in the book directly remind me of parts of Amsterdam I know very well - and instead what we got felt like this very generic London-ish fantasy setting....so boring. Also a lot of scenes that felt to exposition-y. I don't mind that Kaz was a bit softer than in the books, like many people have said some things work in books and don't work on a screen, and you need to make the character's inner dynamics more explicit. But I do agree that, at the same time, he should have been more ruthless towards people outside of his group. Loved that scene where he faces the Inferni though, and how well they illustrated his disability and aversion to touch.

- I don't have that much to say about Nina and Matthias ; I'm still not super sold on the whole 'haha misogyny!' thing and I dislike that so much of Matthias' change of heart relies on the fact that he finds Nina hot. But I did think that the actors had enough chemistry to make their scenes together interesting and cute ; I loved the waffle scene. Even though it's disappointing that they didn't find an actress who was more clearly plus size for Nina, I still think Danielle does a good job bringing her bold, unapologetic energy. I'm really looking forward to seeing the Crows as a whole team.

So yeah, even though the season didn't feel like a perfect, coherent whole, it was just a lot of fun and I really hope they get renewed. In particular I feel like tying the first trilogy to the Crows' story could create such interesting parallels in terms of themes, about power, the cost of survival, hope, trauma, etc etc

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix #grishaverse #six of crows #leigh bardugo

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hotpinkhoshi · 4 years

Text

the pact | insecurities

pairing: reader x jinyoung (in the pact universe)

genre: a little angst, a lot of fluff, some smut

warnings: a LOT of body image talk here, pregnant sex, the usual cursing, dirty talk etc, jinyoung might have a hint of a pregnancy kink but mostly he just really loves his wife

summary: pregnancy has been hell for you, and by the time you hit the six month mark, you haven’t let your husband put his hands on you in weeks. all those baby books did not prepare him for this.

a/n: hiiii babes. okay so disclaimer, this drabble is probably not everyone’s cup of tea. which is totally fine. but someone sent me an ask about jinyoung loving his wife being pregnant and well... i was inspired. i hope you guys like this! ❤️ oh and let me know if you think they’re having a boy or a girl... 😏

You’d never wanted to murder your husband before. You loved him more than you even thought possible, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t have an unbearable urge to wring his neck right now.

“Say hello,” he cooed, phone in front of your face on selfie mode.

“Jinyoung. I love you, but if you don’t get that thing out of my face and far away from me, I’m going to stab you with this spoon,” you threatened, holding up the spoon you were using to shove ice cream into your mouth.

“It’s for the-”

“For the baby. Yes, I know.”

“Pfffffff-” he scoffed at you, eyes full of betrayal. “I can’t believe you. Don’t you want our unborn child to see you eating the ice cream you made me drive across town for at midnight just because he or she wanted it?”

“Ah-ha! I knew you were mad!” You jabbed a finger into his chest.

Jinyoung scowled, rubbing the spot you’d poked. “I was not mad. I was tired. But you have your ice cream now, don’t you?”

“Yes,” you said, shoving another spoonful into your mouth.

You’d gotten all ready for bed and curled up in the covers, and just before Jinyoung moved to crawl onto the bed next to you, you’d begged him to go out and get you the special triple chocolate ice cream that they only sold at one particular convenience store. It just happened to be a twenty minute drive.

Jinyoung had simply sighed and turned around, leaving to slip his shoes on and fetch you your ice cream. It wasn’t like you did this all the time. Your cravings hadn’t been too bad, but you had developed a mean sweet tooth, longing for dessert at all hours of the day.

“How does it taste?” Jinyoung asked, his scowl softening. “Worth it?”

“Yes,” you answered simply, directing your answer to his phone’s camera lens. “It’s delicious.”

Jinyoung switched the lens to the front camera, sitting back on the bed as he filmed you digging into your ice cream carton. It was resting on your bump, which seemed to get bigger and bigger by the day lately. He couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face as he watched you, even when chocolate dribbled down your chin.

He’d thought the first two years of your relationship had been the best it could be and he could never have loved you more. Then you got pregnant, and now he was sure he could never love you more.

You stuck your tongue out to catch the dripping ice cream, freezing when you noticed Jinyoung watching you with a smile from behind his phone. “What?”

Jinyoung shrugged. “Nothing. Just thinking how much I love you.”

He told you this all the time lately. Ever since you’d gotten pregnant, he showered you with compliments all day every day, to a point where you’d started to worry that he was trying to overcompensate. Like maybe he was so repulsed by your pregnant body that he felt the need to remind himself that he loved you.

You grunted. “Don’t say that. I’m a whale.”

Jinyoung scoffed, reaching a thumb out to wipe at the remnants of chocolate ice cream on your chin. “First of all, you’re not a whale. You’re six months pregnant. Second of all, I’d love you even if you were a whale.”

For some reason, you didn’t seem pleased with his answer. Your eyes immediately filled with tears as you picked up your ice cream carton, plopping it on the nightstand next to you.

“Oh god, baby, what did I say? What’s wrong?” he asked, dropping the phone onto the bed and scooting up next to you.

You sniffled and wiped at your face. “I hate this. And I hate that I hate it.”

Jinyoung brought you into his arms and kissed the top of your head. “What do you mean? Talk to me.”

“I’m disgusting. I’m breaking out, my face is puffy, I can’t stop burping, and I’m lumpy.” You were full on crying at this point, tears running down your face as you curled into your husband. “And I shouldn’t feel disgusting. I’m carrying our baby, I should be over the moon. But I hate feeling like this.”

It made you feel better to at least get it off your chest. While it was only a fraction of your complaints, you’d been holding it in for so long.

Pregnancy had not been kind to you. In fact, you felt like garbage most of the time. You were irritable, overly emotional, and you had barely let Jinyoung touch you in the last two weeks because you’d felt so low.

“Lumpy?” Jinyoung asked, pulling away to look down at you. “Where?”

You sniffed again, looking down at your legs, sticking out from underneath your maternity nightgown. Your tummy had gotten too big to wear Jinyoung’s shirts to bed anymore, and that had been a very depressing realization. So you’d gone out and purchased a dozen nightgowns, far too big for you but at least there was no way you’d outgrow them and feel even worse.

“Here,” you sighed, grabbing and squeezing at your thigh. You hadn’t shaved there in a while, either, which did nothing to make you feel better. “My butt’s lumpy too.”

It killed Jinyoung to see you like this. He’d always thought you were stunning, even more so when you got pregnant. He loved the new curves of your body, and it was driving him insane that you wouldn’t let him appreciate them. But he knew better than to push you. He gave you the space you needed, but this was where he drew the line. He wouldn’t let you talk about yourself like this.

“Baby, look at me,” he reached for your chin, tilting your face up towards him. “You’re gorgeous. I’m not just saying that, so don’t even try it. You have no idea how hard it’s been for me to keep my hands off of you these last couple of weeks. If you’d let me, I would worship every inch of your body for hours. As it is. Because to me, right now and always, you’re the sexiest fucking woman I’ve ever seen.”

You blinked up at him, lip quivering. “I am?”

Jinyoung smiled, his expression melting as he looked down at you. “You are.”

“Even though my legs are hairy?”

He chuckled, sliding his hand from your chin down to the curve of your collarbone. He was testing the waters, seeing how far you’d let him go.

“Baby, I don’t think you get it. There’s no exception here. You’re fucking stunning, and I’d love to have those hairy legs wrapped around my waist right now. Or even better, over my shoulders.”

As much as you wanted to hit him for calling your legs hairy, you pressed your lips together, feeling a familiar tingle between your thighs. It had been quite a while since you’d felt that heat, too far into your own head to let yourself get turned on.

“Jinyoung,” you whispered. “I want…”

You took a deep breath as Jinyoung’s hand traveled further south, fingertip grazing over the curve of your breast. The area was so sensitive, even though it was covered with the cotton of your nightgown, it felt like your skin was bare.

“What do you want, angel? Let me hear you say it.”

Jinyoung’s eyes darkened, the air in the room becoming thick with tension. You squeezed your thighs together, surprised to feel that the area was already slick. Well, at least there was one positive symptom of pregnancy.

“I want you to make me feel good,” you said, fingers nervously playing with the sheets underneath of you. “Make me feel sexy.”

Your husband smirked down at you and bent his head for a kiss, his hand continuing its path down your body. He stroked your belly, which took you a moment to enjoy, before his touch traveled further. He pushed the hem of your nightgown up until he could grip the flesh of your thigh, settling his body into the space he created for himself.

You couldn’t help but release a sigh into the kiss. You’d missed him, you’d missed having him close and there were moments you were sure you wouldn’t feel like this until long after you’d had the baby.

But here you were, quickly growing hot and wet between your thighs. Jinyoung slid his hand around the curve of your inner thigh until he met the fabric of your panties, which could only be described as granny panties.

“Hmmm, looks like you’re already soaked.” Jinyoung parted from your lips, pressing kisses across your jaw and down the line of your neck. You whined, hips wriggling under his featherlight touch.

“Jinyoung,” you breathed, slipping your hands under the cotton of his t-shirt, allowing it to bunch up as you slid your hands upwards along his back.

He got the hint, pulling away from your collarbone to yank his shirt off. He tossed it to the side, then went for the bottom of your nightgown.

“Can I?” he asked.

You hesitated for a moment. As much as his words had helped you to feel better, you still didn’t feel confident. But this was your husband, and if he told you he wanted to worship your curves, you believed him. You nodded.

Jinyoung was slow about it, slipping his hands along the slopes of your body, dragging the nightgown along with them. Your breath hitched when his fingertips grazed over your bare breasts under the gown.

Then he slipped the garment over your head, leaving you only in your unflattering panties. You were quick to shimmy them down your hips, letting Jinyoung help with the task.

There you were, naked underneath of him. You’d been hiding your body from him lately, and he was overwhelmed at the sight. His eyes raked down your frame, starting at the curves of your swollen breasts, down to the incredible sight of your belly which made him emotional in a number of ways, landing on your glistening core on display for him.

“Fuck. You are so beautiful. God.”

You nearly believed he was just saying that, he didn’t mean it—but the bulge in his pajama pants reassured you. There was no denying he was staring at you like his favorite meal.

“Jinyoung,” you whispered. “Touch me.”

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to say that,” he said, corner of his lips lifting in a smirk.

Jinyoung settled back on top of you. His fingertip trailed along your collarbone, tracing the line until it slipped down further, following the swell of your breast. As soon as he grazed your nipple, you took in a sharp inhale. Sensitive was an understatement.

He looked pleased at your reaction. While his fingers pinched the hardened bud, he dipped down to tend to your other breast with his mouth. You gasped once more, already so affected by the sensations he was giving you.

You brought a hand up to his hair, squeezing his strands in your fist. He worked magic with his tongue, flicking back and forth over your nipple at a steady, rapid pace.

“Oh, god,” you whimpered, arching your chest towards him. It certainly wouldn’t take long for you to come, and you were almost positive he could get you there just like this.

But you couldn’t neglect him—nor did you want to. With one hand in his hair, you slid the other down his chest, feeling along the ridges and hard lines of his muscles. Figures, while you were getting plump he was getting hotter than ever.

Your fingers dipped into the waistband of his pajama pants, pleased to find that he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. Jinyoung’s expert movements on your breast faltered as you wrapped your hand around his length.

“Shit,” he whispered, pulling away from your chest to look down at you. “See what you do to me, angel? Just seeing your body, hearing the noises you make for me…”

You shoved his pants down as far as you could and Jinyoung helped you out, kicking them from his shins and off of the bed. “How do you want me?” you asked, pumping your hand along his length a few times.

Jinyoung kissed your forehead, then sat back on his heels, giving your outer thigh a light tap. “On your knees.”

You held his hand for support as you sat up and turned onto your knees, a movement that was not done gracefully. Jinyoung sat behind you, angling your body so that your ass was sticking up for him. You grabbed a pillow to rest your elbows on, since you weren’t sure how long your arms could hold you up.

“Now, I don’t know what you see in the mirror but all I can see is perfection. Not a single flaw on you, baby…”

You whimpered as his hands trailed from your shoulder blades down the curve of your spine, his touch sending fire through your whole body. You needed him, and you needed him now. Then you felt his body hovering over you, the tip of his cock bumping at your entrance.

“Ready?” he asked, gripping your hips and rubbing soothing circles into your lower back with his thumbs.

“Please,” you responded breathlessly as you pushed your backside towards him.

Jinyoung chuckled. “Someone’s needy.”

“Shut up,” you replied, twisting your head around to glare at him. “Do you want to tease me or do you want to fuck me?”

You gasped at the slap that Jinyoung delivered to your ass, arching your back as much as you could with the extra weight pulling you down. Not as forceful as he had been with you in the past, but enough to get his point across.

“I’m going to fuck you. But if anything starts to hurt, or you feel uncomfortable, you need to tell me right away, okay?” he caressed your ass where he’d spanked, eliciting a soft moan out of you as you obeyed.

“Okay.”

Without further warning, Jinyoung was pushing inside of you, slow but steady. You couldn’t even remember the last time he’d fucked you, if you were honest. At least a month. It was almost impossible to get in the mood lately, at least for more than a minute before you were feeling crabby again.

“Tight,” Jinyoung breathed behind you, groaning once he bottomed out. “Fuck. Can pregnancy make you tighter?”

There was a significant amount of resistance as Jinyoung slid through your folds. You hadn’t done much research in this area, but as far as you could tell, pregnancy did weird things to the female body. After all, you’d experienced it first hand.

“Did the-” you were cut off as Jinyoung pulled out, slamming back inside of you with a shallow thrust. “Oh my god. Did the books say anything about this?!”

Jinyoung was on a pregnancy book kick ever since you’d found out you were pregnant. He had single handedly cleared out the entire section in your bookstore, and you were certain he’d read them all cover to cover by now.

“No,” he replied, low and throaty. “But the way you’re squeezing me—oh fuck, you’re not even trying, are you? God, you feel so fucking good.”

Jinyoung always cursed more when he was overwhelmed, when something felt good or bad beyond his expectations, so you knew he was being truthful. It felt just as good for you, but you were at a loss for words.

He began a deathly slow pace inside of you so that you could feel every inch of him, your walls naturally clenching around him in a way that made him feel so much bigger than you remembered.

“Jinyoung…” You leaned deeper into the bed, relying on your forearms to hold your weight. “Faster, please,” you begged.

Your husband was eager to obey, his hips quickening their pace. Not only were you ridiculously wet and tight, you were so sensitive. You wouldn’t last long.

“My good girl, taking me so well,” Jinyoung said from behind you, sounding like it was more to himself than you. “Thought about having you bent over for me for weeks.”

You wished you could’ve said the same. The only thing you’d fantasized about lately was not being pregnant—and wine. Lots and lots of wine.

Just as you shifted to spread your legs, you felt a sharp pain shoot up your thigh. You gasped and fell forward, clutching at the tightened muscle. These goddamn leg cramps… just one more thing getting in the way of Jinyoung screwing your brains out.

Jinyoung stilled immediately, his eyes filled with worry. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Ow, ow, ow. Leg cramp. Hold on,” you said with a whine.

You scooted forward and Jinyoung slipped out of you, much to your dismay. You flopped over onto your back, thighs still spread. What a sexy image that probably was.

“Just…” you took a deep breath, massaging your thigh for another moment. “Okay. I’m good. Sorry.”

He didn’t look convinced. His hands rubbed your thigh soothingly, which you couldn’t deny felt amazing, but you needed him inside of you.

“Baby, please. I’m okay.”

You were grateful that Jinyoung didn’t treat you like you were made of glass since you got pregnant. For the most part, he had let you call the shots. If you needed him, he was there. But he allowed you your independence, letting you run errands on your own or work an extra day at the store if you wanted to, on the one condition that as soon as you started feeling tired or needed his help, you would tell him. He trusted your judgment, and made sure you knew that he was by your side if you needed it.

“Here,” Jinyoung said, shifting to lay on his side next to you. With an arm around your waist, he turned you into your side and pulled you back against him. “This okay?”

You hummed in response, pleased to feel his hard length pressing into your lower back. It took some adjusting, but once he finally slid back inside of you, you sighed, satisfied.

He soon found his rhythm again, letting you rest your head against one arm while the other slipped around your body to massage your breast.

It didn’t take long for the heat to build in your belly, with the deep strokes Jinyoung was delivering combined with the way he was pinching and rolling your nipple between his fingers.

“Jinyoung, oh-” you tipped your head back, turning just enough to be able to see your husband’s face. He looked so serious, eyebrows knitted together in a hard line. “I’m close, I’m-”

He tipped his head forward to brush his lips against yours, his hand dragging down your body until he could tuck it into the space between your thighs. Once he started rubbing your clit, you knew you were done for.

“My beautiful girl, taking me so deep, so good for me,” he breathed against your lips, an almost incoherent mumbling of praises.

Your eyes fell shut as you clutched at his wrist, making sure he didn’t stop the delightful movements of his index and middle fingers against the bundle of nerves between your legs.

“I-” You tried to speak but he rendered you speechless as he wrapped his other arm around you as well, holding you close as he drove into you without mercy.

Your orgasm washed over you before you even had a chance to prepare. It barreled out of nowhere as your thighs shook and you held onto his arm for dear life, feeling like every nerve in your body had just been set aflame.

Jinyoung attached his lips to your shoulder as he pumped into you, desperate to drag out the aftershocks of your orgasm while also chasing his own climax.

The room filled with his groans and your soft moans as he emptied inside of you, pressed into you so tightly it was as if you’d become one body.

You both took a moment to breathe after he’d come down from his high. Jinyoung caressed your whole body, pressing sweet kisses into your neck as he told you over and over just how special you were to him.

After you regained some strength, you maneuvered onto your other side so that you could face your husband. He looked absolutely spent.

“Hi,” you whispered with a smile, smoothing your fingertips down his cheek.

Jinyoung returned your smile and turned his head to kiss your fingertips. “Hi,” he repeated. “How do you feel now?”

“Better,” you said. “I’m sorry that I… that I haven’t made this easy on you.”

Perhaps you were the one carrying your child, but Jinyoung did as much as he could, and then some. He walked the fine line between holding your hand every step of the way, and letting you have your space to deal with all of the aspects he couldn’t possibly understand.

You truly would never deserve him.

“It’s not supposed to be easy.” Jinyoung pressed a kiss to the bridge of your nose, his hands sliding along your back slowly. “You're incredible to me for handling this so well.”

You snorted. “Well? I cry, like, six times a day. And I definitely don’t eat enough vegetables. And if I keep eating ice cream at midnight our child will probably end up with diabetes-”

“Hush,” Jinyoung whispered. “Stop being so hard on yourself. I love you, and I think you’re amazing. And if I hear you call yourself lumpy ever again, you’ll have hell to pay.”

Resting your head on his chest, you laughed. “Thanks for loving my lumpy butt.”

“Watch it,” he warned, but you could hear the smile in his voice.

Silence fell between the two of you as you melted into his arms, enjoying the feeling of his hands rubbing your back and your shoulders, before they trailed down to your tummy.

You shifted onto your back, placing your hands on top of his. “We should start thinking of names, shouldn’t we?”

“Maybe,” Jinyoung replied. The way he stared down at your bump with complete adoration was enough to quite literally make your heart skip a beat. “You still think it’s a boy?”

You nodded, smiling down at your stomach. “Mhm. But I think I’m the only one. Everyone else is so convinced we’re having a little girl, so maybe I’ve just got some wires crossed.”

Jinyoung laughed, scooting down your body until he was level with your belly button. “Hmm…”

As he pressed his ear into your stomach, you threw your head back and laughed. “Are you trying to hear if it’s a boy or girl?”

Jinyoung looked up at you only to shush you before he was concentrating completely, one hand rubbing circles into your skin.

“What’s that, little bear? Ah, so interesting… oh, really? I knew it.” He pretended to have a conversation with your stomach, complete with shocked facial expressions and a cheeky smirk in your direction.

You narrowed your eyes down at Jinyoung. “What is it?”

“It’s a secret. Little bear told me if it’s a boy or a girl, but we think we should keep it to ourselves just a little bit longer.”

You huffed. “Not even born yet and my kid’s already conspiring against me. Not a good sign.”

Jinyoung shrugged. “What can I say? Our baby knows I’m the cool parent already.”

“Not fair,” you retorted, poking your index finger into Jinyoung’s dimple. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

He pretended to bite your fingertip as you laughed, ruffling his hair in retaliation. He trailed kisses back up your body before burying his head into your neck.

“Mine,” he whispered, lips pressed into your skin and hand caressing your tummy.

You closed your eyes, so sure you’d never been so content than at this moment. As you slid your arms around Jinyoung, you couldn’t have been more grateful. Maybe you didn’t feel beautiful, but you felt strong, supported, and loved.

“Yours,” you breathed in response.

#writing #jinyoung #thepactfic #jinyoung smut #got7 fanfic #jinyoung fanfic #jinyoung imagine #got7 imagine #got7 smut

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thechembow · 3 years

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To the woman who assaulted me at Ace Hardware today,

Jan. 15, 2021

I am your neighbor in Frazier Park. I love this mountain and feel so blessed to live here. You must enjoy its beauty as much as I do, because it is unsurpassed. The woods and wildlife give me solace. I have also always had good experiences among the humans of the mountain, shopping locally, where we all know each other and everyone is friendly. I like supporting our community and keeping everyone working and happy. I’ve never had a bad time shopping in Frazier Park, so it was somewhat of a shock to meet you this way today.

My husband and I were picking up some bird seed at Ace Hardware. If you live in Frazier Park and not in Pine Mountain Club, it’s still legal to feed the birds! We love our feathered friends. They have also been giving me nice brass shavings from their key machine which I use to make orgonite, an energy device which promotes rainfall, clears air pollution, and makes living with EMF safer. My husband, Gabe, and I have been making and gifting orgonite for almost seven years now, and we have covered all of California and much of the US west to end the drought. You might be interested to know that we have put orgonite all over this mountain too. It sure has been snowing more and more every year since we got here and the forests are alive with new baby trees, far outnumbering the trees that die of old age. There were awesome wildflower blooms out in the Antelope Valley and Gorman these past few years. It might also comfort you to know that there are Earth pipes along San Andreas Fault here and at the top of Mt. Pinos, healing the damage that was done here by your ancestors, who stole the land from the Chumash Indians and clear-cut the forests. This will help prevent earthquakes. We have gifted somewhere around 200 orgonite pieces to these mountains, from the Grapevine to the Central Coast. I wrote a book about it too. Our life and most of our resources have gone into planetary healing.

Now that you know a little more about me, I would like to know more about you. I wasn’t covering my face today like you were because I am not a member of your religion. We should be tolerant of other peoples’ beliefs. I am tolerant of your choice to hide your face from your Creator, although I don’t agree with it. I would never hit you and insult you for wearing a mask or for any other reason. What told you that I was to be deplored because of my exposed nose and mouth? When you called me a “f-ing b-tch” and punched me in the ribs, it didn’t hurt physically because you’re old and weak. But I was wondering if it was your mom or dad who taught you to do that? Did you learn it in school or in church? I’ve never been cursed at and hit by an old woman before.

I put on the mask in order not to offend you, although I didn’t have to. You continued to yell, and you were very close to me when you yelled that I would infect you. If I’m so disgusting and disease-ridden, it would be a good idea to stand a few feet away from me when you insult me. I think about 6 feet should do it. It’s also not a good idea to punch a sick person because you could get my germs on your hand. How come you disappeared out the back door when I called out, “She assaulted me!” If you’re right, you should stick around.

Incidentally, soon after we met, I tried to run into the grocery store to grab some garlic. Like at the hardware store, the employees there never get on my case for my need to breathe and show the face God gave me. I got verbally assaulted there by a customer again, which wasn’t as bad as being hit and verbally assaulted at the same time. But the woman there was much younger than you, so you may want to give her some pointers on how to really hurt your neighbor. She said, “You’re killing my family.” She also blamed me for her sick dog. It was more likely a combination of pinworms, Ascaris, a variety of liver and intestinal flukes, some tapeworms, solvents and heavy metals that killed them, along with the ventilators they pop peoples’ lungs with if they come into the hospital with a cold. I’m reading a fascinating book right now called The Cure for All Diseases by Dr. Hulda Clark. It explains all of these diseases you think are infectious and how to cure them. You need to zap your parasites and stop sharing your worms! Stop putting filth in your mouth and reinfecting yourself, says Dr. Clark. Germs are not jumping around in the air. You can learn to heal anything that’s wrong with you with this book.

In your case, you’re definitely watching too much news. I would venture to guess you’re also taking an assortment of pharmaceutical drugs which are masking symptoms of your own worms and the bacteria and viruses they carry. You probably use a smart phone. Lots of old people who don’t even understand the technology do. I wish you would be more like my grandma, who never hit a lady in the store nor uttered an obscenity. She never would have used a smart phone either. She was beautiful, strong, dignified, spoke several languages, loved fine art, cooked great meals and enjoyed life. It’s sad what a shriveled lump of fear you’re become. My grandma survived the very oppression you are doling out today by a miracle of God. Goodness knows, her life was in danger every moment for being Jewish and from Germany at the wrong time. Now I also feel like I’m in danger. If you’ll physically assault a stranger for having a different belief, then what if someone stronger or armed would do it? This is not something I want to find out. Fortunately I have a relationship with God who protects me and am saved by Messiah Yeshua. He reconciled me back to God who forgave my sin of falling into pagan culture like you have. Your world is a fantasy land, but it’s really more like a nightmare, and it is dying like you have died.

There were a few people in the store after you fled the scene who showed me sympathy. But I now know how bad things have gotten. You showed me that today. You made me feel physically sick, not just emotionally distressed, with a little help from your insane ally at the grocery store. Just last week I could go into most places in Frazier Park with my face showing. It seems your time is running out and your world is spiraling out of control. For now, I would rather not argue with you. I will cover my face in your presence and you won’t know I don’t worship your god. It gives me more inspiration to become more self-reliant and less dependent on the businesses of your world. I hate the mask with a passion. I hate what it represents and how you look in it. I think it’s very sad that you love your pathetic false god and believe this absolutely ridiculous narrative to the point that you would assault another woman. C0VID is a mental illness!

Well that’s all for now. I hope to hear from you soon. Maybe you will realize it was wrong to hit me and curse at me and I’ll forgive you. Then we can be friends and have a kosher barbeque when the weather warms up. I’m not holding my breath, no pun intended.

Your neighbor,

Sharon Daphna

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kaimelia · 3 years

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Christmas Cards

a/n: I accidentally posted this yesterday oops....but here’s a cute little thing I wrote and I hope you enjoy it! merry Christmas to those who celebrate and happy holidays to everyone!

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They hadn’t sent Christmas cards out any other years, which was probably why Amelia was so excited. She had spent the past few weeks compiling photos of their little family onto various card designs while making Link get all of their friends’ and family’s addresses. And now, they were both sat at their kitchen table, piles of cards, envelopes, and stamps in front of them. She smiled as she picked up one of the cards, a photo of the three of them on Scout’s second birthday surrounded by other pictures of her and her husband. As adorable as it was, she was most proud of the back of the card. When she found out she was pregnant a month ago, part of her knew it was her chance to have a corny holiday card. It was a photo of the three of them in front of their Christmas tree. Link was holding Scout with his spare arm wrapped around Amelia, whose hands were cradling her small bump. She stopped for a moment to admire it, a hand resting on top of her stomach that had been hiding in bigger scrubs and sweaters for the past few weeks.

“I’m pretty sure my parents know.” Amelia raised her eyebrows and sat up at the sound of his voice.

“What? How?”

“We were facetime this morning and I went to get Scout some apple juice from the fridge and I think my mom saw the ultrasound photo. She asked what was on the fridge but I just showed her Scout’s elephant drawing.”

“We said only Meredith and Maggie would know.” Although Amelia hadn’t wanted to tell anyone until they sent out cards, Meredith had quickly picked up on her symptoms and put it all together one morning at their weekly breakfast. Amelia had made Link promise to come up with a quick excuse, like food poisoning, if she felt nauseous so that her sisters wouldn’t find out yet, but as soon as she left the bathroom Meredith asked if she was pregnant and the wide grin on Link’s face gave it away.

“And Winston, Cormac, Meredith’s kids-you realize no one we know can keep a secret?” She narrowed her eyebrows at him and shook her head.

“I made them promise not to say anything. Plus, Mer and Maggie telling their boyfriends doesn’t count.” Amelia closed another envelope and handed it to Link. “When did we become these people?”

“Hm?”

“Sending out Christmas cards, doing a pregnancy ‘announcement’” She made air quotations with her fingers. “I used to hate this woman, and now I am her.” Link grinned toothily, placing an address label on an envelope.

“For whatever it’s worth, I never pictured myself like this. But, I wouldn’t trade it for anything, now.”

“That was incredibly cheesy,” she whispered.

“What, am I not allowed to say how insanely in love with you I am? Is being happy a bad thing?” Amelia rolled her eyes while feigning annoyance.

“It’s extremely annoying.” She watched as Link paused with a label in his hand. “What is it?”

“We’re sending a card to Alex? How’d you even get his address?” She shrugged.

“We started talking a bit ago. He knows about Christopher and what happened and wanted to know how I was doing. I know you don’t like him because of Jo, but he’s my friend. Plus, it’s just a Christmas card.”

“Has he sad anything about Jo or what’s her name, Izzie?” Amelia shook her head at him.

“We don’t talk about that. Really just about Scout and work.” Their son perked up at the sound of his name.

“Momma,” Scout mumbled, holding his arms up towards his mother. Amelia grinned and picked him up, placing him down on her lap.

“It’s almost your bedtime, buddy.” He turned around to look at her, a pout on his face.

“I want to stay up with you and Daddy and baby.” She rustled his blonde hair with her hand, trying to hide her joy at his excitement over his new sibling. Amelia had expected jealousy from him when they told him; he loved the constant attention from his parents and she assumed the idea of having to share that attention wouldn’t please him. Instead, he’d asked for a baby doll for Christmas and asked to share his room with the baby as if it was the most normal thing ever.

“How about this, Mom and I don’t have to work tomorrow, so if you go to sleep now, we can go shopping for the baby,” Link suggested, standing up and walking around the table. He kneeled down next to Amelia and smiled at his son.

“Okay.” Scout held out his arms as Link picked him up. He placed a kiss on the top of Amelia’s head.

“I’ll be back down, soon.” She continued filling envelopes and sticking labels on them until the entire table had been cleared, just a neat stack of envelopes on the floor below her. Amelia grinned and stood up, slowly walking up the stairs to see her husband laying in bed with their son who was fast asleep as he read one of Scout’s books.

“He’s asleep,” she whispered, stepping into the room. Link looked over at his son beside him and dropped a kiss on the boy’s forehead before carefully climbing out of the little bed. He set the book down on top of the bookcase and followed Amelia out of the bedroom, turning off the light as he left. “You got him down fast.”

“He was really insistent on going to bed so that we could go baby shopping.” Amelia pushed open their bedroom door and laid down. She watched as Link pulled off his shirt, joining her in bed and pulling her close to him. “Did you finish all the cards?”

“Yup,” she nodded, placing her hand over his on her stomach. “All done, we’ll just drop them off at the post office tomorrow morning.”

“For the record, I love our corny Christmas cards.” Amelia grinned at his words and brought his hand up to kiss it.

“Honestly? Me too.”

#amelia shepherd #Atticus Lincoln #amelink #amelia x link #amelink fanfic #amelink fanfiction #grey's anatomy #greys abc #greys fanfic #scout lincoln #my fics

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