OK let's unpack this

I was at home, I wouldn't even call it a comedy show, I was just saying things I thought were funny and the audience slowly started to build up of celebrities and I wasn't even trying but the Americans all found me hilarious

And then Oscar Isaac showed up and why is it that the detail that sticks out to me is that he didn't have a beard

OK well one of the jokes I'd made was a play on words on one of his movies so I felt it were only right to give him a hug and apologise

And then the American celebrities were asking me about Tumblr and what things mean

BTW at this point Pedro Pascal was there and he was sat next to Oscar Isaac

And Pedro asked about "boo", and I got all shy and blushy but explained what it meant and he goes, "do you have a boo?" and my entire face is pink but I'm like, no I don't

And then I joke, "where's your boo? Oh wait, he's sat right next to you"

And the room falls silent, and I'm awkwardly there like, sorry, that's another Tumblr joke

And I moved on

And then Oscar revealed a secret

And btw @missdictatorme after all this was happening in the dream, you were the person I messaged, but I felt like it was wrong to say anything since it was his secret, so all I messaged you was, "oh no oh no oh no no no no no" and you were like, ?

OK so then I was by myself at home and looking at gifs of Pedro Pascal characters where he's having sex (probably Narcos) and then a vampire entered my house and told me that if I had sex with him, he'd make it so I could sleep with the person I really wanted to, obvious scam but I was like, yeah ok

And then I had to have sex with the Joker too which as you can imagine is traumatising

So eventually it turns out I'm on a train where celebrities come on and choose who they wanna fuck and ahem the person I wanted chose me but then that person's friend also got involved so yes please

And then it turned out that this ahem experience was also run by the same performance capture company I was working for and they told me I got 101 hits and then I was like, wait, you were filming all that??? And I was so embarrassed in case people saw my face on video

And then further down the line, after many days of flirting with this guy, we end up married and fucking against the fridge in the kitchen

Also I turned out to be a vampire bc the heartbeat sensors couldn't pick anything up from me

2022 Marvel Ranking

I thought it would be fun to return to my roots and make a Marvel post again! This ranking is preference based by the way.

1. Moon Knight- I think Moon Knight was the best project of the year. It was interesting, fairly unique, Oscar Isaac was amazing (along with several other leads), and I’m a huge sucker for mythology. Honestly I’m a little rusty (It’s been a while since I watched this), but as far as I can recall, my biggest complaint about this show would be the visuals. The CGI really wasn’t so good, which always throws things off for me.

2. Black Panther: Wakanda Forever- Overall, I really liked this movie, and I feel that Ryan Coogler did the absolute best he could under the tragic circumstances. It was heartbreaking, and there were some incredible performances given. My only complaints were that some of the pacing was weird, there was a bit too much going on at times, and there were a few plot holes where the audience was left to just assume what happened.

3. The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special- This was actually a lot of fun! It was really funny, Drax and Mantis make a great duo, and the inclusion of Kevin Bacon was delightful. It was really quite sweet, and I’ll take whatever content I can get where the Guardians are happy (it seems like they’re heading somewhere dark for the 3rd film).

4. Thor: Love and Thunder- I have 3 primary issues with this movie. First of all, Gorr the God Butcher was severely underused, secondly, the jokes overwhelmed the plot at times which was annoying (especially because they weren’t always that funny), and third, this movie accomplished very little. Basically all it did was catch us up with what was going on with a few characters. Other than that, this film served little purpose to the MCU at large (this wouldn’t be such a big issue if it were made better). It was also pretty cheesy, and just plain cringy at times. Overall a disappointment from Taika (who I love), but it’s been incredibly irritating to see the outpouring of hatred for Taika since this movie came out. I love Taika, just because he made one bad movie doesn’t automatically cancel out all the great movies and shows he’s made.

5. Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness- I was immensely looking forward to this movie, so it was overall the biggest disappointment. I found the ‘Raimi touch’ that everyone’s been praising to be overly campy and unoriginal. Plus, the dialogue was unbearable, and the whole movie kind of felt like an embarrassing rip-off. I cringed more watching this movie than any other this year, which was bizarre for a Dr. Strange movie. It didn’t feel true to his character at all. Why did I rank Thor, which was widely disliked, above this? Because despite it’s wild mediocrity, it wasn’t nearly as big a disappointment to me as this film was.

As I have become fairly disillusioned with Marvel over the past year or so, I haven’t seen everything that’s been released. Namely, I haven’t watched She-Hulk or Ms. Marvel, and at the moment, I have no intention to watch either, as I haven’t heard anything to convince me I’d find either worth my time (I’d consider Ms. Marvel but not She-Hulk). I also haven’t seen Werewolf by Night, but I’ve heard some great things about it, so I’ll definitely watch it (eventually). I’ve heard that Marvel intends to slow down, and focus on quality over quantity again in 2023, and I really hope this is true. It’s been especially disappointing to see many of the female-led projects get trampled by this recent trend in lower quality.

Also, would anyone like to see a post on visuals, colors, or characters for one of these Marvel projects? I really haven’t done much of anything on Marvel this year, I’ve got some stuff cooking but feel free to request anything!

Awkward Moments Day

Some things are just better out in the open and Awkward Moments Day on March 18 is your chance to embrace those embarrassing or awkward moments from your past and laugh about them. Remember that time you enthusiastically waved at your friend but soon realized that they were a complete stranger? What about the time when that incy-wincy pebble tripped you in front of all of your classmates? For some  of us, it feels like these awkward moments come looking for us. If you’re one of those people, then today is your day.

History of Awkward Moments Day

The variety of awkward moments is endless, but some of humanity’s most cringe-worthy moments have been better documented than others. Just in case you’re working through your own social faux pas, check out this history to make yourself think: “hey, at least I didn’t do that.”

Turns out, humans have been awkward since the dawn of time. Some of the earliest awkward moments we could find include Isaac Newton incorrectly predicting the end of the world several times, a football team in the 1929 Rose Bowl almost running a touchdown to the wrong side of the field, and President Roosevelt accidentally running into Churchill coming out of the bath, naked!

With the advent of radio, TV, movies, and more technology that connects us, the number of awkward moments publicized and made infamous expanded exponentially. Who hasn’t heard of Janet Jackson’s famous “Nipplegate” situation at the Superbowl? Who doesn’t remember when Ashlee Simpson got caught lip-synching at a concert? 

Awkward moments in the YouTube age have a whole new character, as they can be watched over and over again. More famous awkward moments from the 21st century include Mike Tyson falling off a hoverboard and when Ariana Grande got caught on camera licking a doughnut at a bakery before putting it back (ew!). 

We have to say, the awkward moments that take the cake are those brought on by the digital age of communication – we mean texting, dating apps, and social media. You know what we’re talking about. Raise your hand if you’ve ever swiped right on a coworker by mistake and had to avoid their desk on your way to the kitchen. Who else has liked a crush’s Instagram post from three years ago? We can’t be the only ones who have ever sent a screenshot of a message… right back to the person we were texting.

Our media age offers a plethora of opportunities for personal embarrassment, but hey – at least we can watch everyone else’s awkward moments on YouTube. Take heart knowing that awkward moments have existed since the dawn of time, and occasionally running into a tree or putting our feet in our mouth only connects us and makes us human. Plus, they’re fun to laugh about!

Awkward Moments Day timeline

2017

La La Land Wins Best Picture

Oops, we misspelled that title. Remember when La La Land was announced as Best Picture, but the real winner was Moonlight? The whole cast of La La Land is still trying to forget.

December 2015

And the winner of Miss America is...

Who doesn’t remember when Steve Harvey famously read the wrong name for the winner of Miss America, then ever-so-awkwardly had to re-allocate that winner’s crown?

2013

A Glamorous Fall

We know you’ve already seen Jennifer Lawrence fall at the Oscars because it’s been turned into one of the most popular gifs we just can’t seem to get away from. But take heart - you’d think someone that glamorous taking an embarrassing spill would turn the public on her, but it’s only made us collectively love her more.

2005

Damp Forecast

During a 2005 Black Eyed Peas concert in San Diego, Fergie famously peed her pants on stage after not having time to use the bathroom beforehand. We feel for you, Fergie.

May 2006

Guy Goma Gets Interviews

Guy Goma showed up at BBC for a job interview, but a mixup had him on the evening news.

October 2004

Ashlee Simpson Gets Caught Lip Syncing

Awkward Moments Day FAQs

When is Awkward Moments Day celebrated?

March 18th.

How Do I Get  Over An Awkward Moment?

Everyone deals with things differently, but our advice is to try and laugh about embarrassing or awkward moments.

Where can I find more about Awkward Moments Day?

Search up the best awkward moments, and there video compilations and articles are sure to make even the most embarrassing moment in your life look pretty tame.

Where is Awkward Moments Day celebrated?

The United States.

Awkward Moments Day Activities

Boldly share your gaffes on social mediaThe brave among us will blanket social media with the hashtag #AwkwardMomentsDay and proudly let their worst moments be visible to all. This isn’t for everyone, but seeing others move past their most embarrassing gaffes can be super helpful for those that need to appreciate themselves and take themselves less seriously!

Get over an awkward moment in your pastYou know that feeling right before you drift off to sleep, where your brain suddenly plays a reel of your top 20 most awkward moments? We’ve all lived through those nights. Rather than turn red and try to banish it from your mind in vain, let the feelings in and work through them. Remember everyone has awkward moments, and you can let the embarrassment go. Anyway, it can’t be any worse than when Steve Harvey crowned the wrong Miss America.

Remember awkward times with a palA good friend won’t judge you for your embarrassing moments - and chances are, they were right there in the same boat with you. Call up a friend and ask them if they remember the time you awkwardly wore matching outfits for a week or liked a crush’s Instagram picture from three years ago. You’ll have a laugh, and the awkwardness will fade away.

You’re Less Awkward Than You Think: People tend to notice your most embarrassing moments far less than you think they do. Studies have proven the existence of the ‘spotlight effect,’ which assumes that other people notice us far more than they do.

Embarrassing Beginnings: In 1664, British Parliamentarian Samuel Peppys was recorded as the first person to write the word ‘embarrassed’.

Have A Laugh: Have an awkward situation that your mind just can’t quite recover from? Facing the situation head-on and laughing about it is the psychologist-approved way to get over it.

Trust the Awkward: People who feel embarrassment are more likely to be trusted and forgiven by others, according to a study!

Infantile Self-Consciousness: Feelings of self-consciousness are some of the earliest feelings we create as humans. As soon as babies can recognize themselves in the mirror, self-consciousness begins.

Why We Love Awkward Moments Day

They’re funny: People love awkward moments. Search “awkward moments” on YouTube, and we guarantee there will be a wealth of the funniest and most cringe-worthy exchanges in people’s lives - and you’ll laugh. The best way to deal with our own awkward moments is exactly the same - just laugh through it and enjoy the entertainment.

They connect us: Awkward moments are something everyone can relate to. We all have a story - yes, THAT story, the story you don’t even like to think about, let alone tell. Whether you farted so loud you spilled your drink on your date, or accidentally called your girlfriend’s mother her grandmother, everyone’s got one.

They make us better: Embarrassment and awkwardness are signs - are you reading them? If you’re embarrassed by something you’ve done, it’s a natural indicator that shows you what you want to improve. Embarrassment can teach you that you didn’t live up to your goals or values, and awkward moments can teach you to be more careful next time. Like, maybe it’ll teach you that it’s important to do the work on a presentation if you’re lecturing to your peers, or that you should chew some gum after drinking coffee at work!

Source

Romantic

Tom Holland x actress!reader

Summary: You and Tom are secretly dating and go on The Late Late Show to discuss your new film and some suspicious photos.

Warnings: swearing and James kinda being a dick :/

a/n (edited): i just want it to be known that i wrote this fic before the photos of t&z came out. it was purely coincidental that both relationships were found out in the same way. (pretty sure i’m psychic now but whatever) so please don’t think i’m trying to copy their relationship.

w/c:2.5k

masterlist

Taking a deep breath and looking up to see the stage manager point you out, you walked onto the stage. Loud cheers and bright lights blinded you for a moment before your eyes adjusted but the soft brush of Tom’s hand brought you back to reality as you sat down on the couch, smiling at the crowd and James Corden.

“Y/n! Tom! Thank you so much for joining us tonight on The Late Late Show!” James cheered, taking a sip of strong smelling coffee from his coffee mug.

“Thank you for having us! It’s really nice being back on the show, James.” You smiled.

“Yup, it’s always a treat to be here!” Tom agreed.

“So, I want to discuss your new film, The Princess Bride. Can you say a little about it?” James asked.

Already having the questions and your answers memorized you quickly took the lead. “Well, it's a reboot of the 1987’s version, while still keeping the basic idea shown in the book and movie we added some comedy and modern twist of the story.”

“And we couldn’t have done it without the other cast and crew.” Tom added in. “Oscar Isaac was a perfect Indigo Montoya and had us laughing the entire time. I don’t think we could tape one scene and not end up laughing with him.”

“What did you both do to prepare for the role?” James asked. 

“When I found out I got the role of Buttercup, I rewatched the movie at least twenty times and read the book about seven times to get the core idea of who she is and how I can add my own layer onto the character.” You answered.

“What about you Tom?”

“I think I will watch the movie at least five times a week for a while so I could grasp Westley's character, and I listened to the audiobook in my sleep for about two months.” He joked.

“And did either one of you have a connection with the original Princess Bride when you were younger?” James asked.

“Well, when I was younger I loved the movie because of how it's like a satire on fairy tale relationships with a twist, it was always a comfort film.” You explained.

“For me, when I was younger I remember my mum setting up the movie at one of her friends' houses to keep me busy; and it was one of those movies that kind of stuck with me.” Tom laughed at the memory and you and James gave a small chuckle at his story.

“Did you always enjoy those types of movies, Tom?” James smiled, earning a hushed giggle throughout the audience. 

“Maybe a little.” Tom admitted. 

“Oh please,” You dramatically sighed. “Tom is the biggest romantic on set. Whenever we had a movie night, he always not so suitably offered to watch 13 Going on 30 and 10 Things I Hate About You.” 

“Hey, don’t forget about Legally Blonde.” Tom added in, cheeks flushed pink from being a little embarrassed. 

You giggled at the memory he was bringing up. Of course these movie nights only consisted of you and Tom, a version of a date which did not entail your relationship going public with dozens and dozens of paparazzi following you around. 

“What do you wanna watch tonight, babe?” You were laying down on your stomach on your hotel bed, flicking through the movies offered. 

Tom entered the room, toothbrush in his mouth, “I don’t mind.” Tom mumbled, trying not to let the toothpaste foam fall from his mouth. 

“Go spit I can’t hear you.”

Tom grumbled some more inaudible words and waddled back to the bathroom. You heard a dramatic spit then the faucet running then turning off soon after. 

“Better?” He asked, coming back out, waving jazz hands.

“Better, but you need to tell me what you want to watch!” You groaned. 

Tom flopped down onto the bed next to you, sneaking a hand around your waist to give you a sideways hug then leaned his head on your shoulder. “I wouldn’t be opposed to watching Legally Blonde again.” He suggested, then quickly added, “I know you said you liked the movie.”

You smiled a little then went to the search bar and started typing in the movie. “The first one or the second?”

“The first one, obviously!” Tom exclaimed. 

“Didn’t realize you were so opinionated on this topic, Tommy.” You teased, pressing the icon on the tv. 

“I only care about the important things though, babe.” You pressed play and threw the remote somewhere else in the room and snuggled back against the pillows with Tom by your side.

“Now, when I saw the movie, something that I really enjoyed was your relationships with each other as Westley and Buttercup. Did your relationship between the two of you help portray them?” James' question snapped you from your memory, and you were a little disoriented. 

“Well, we met at one of our friends party’s a couple years back so we’ve been friends for a while and gotten to know one another really well. Like, I know every detail about Y/n, and she knows everything about me too. So, being able to read each other very well helped us show their relationship.” Tom answered and you nodded your head agreeing to what he was saying.

Honestly you thought that James was implying what every other interviewer said. As much as you love Tom and how much he loved you, you both wanted to keep your relationship out of the public's view. Only your close friends and family knew about it and you both liked it just like that for a sense of normality in your lives. 

“So there was no real relationship between you two?” Never mind, there it is.

You both gave a tired laugh, both sick of the question. “No, but if the people believe our relationship is real because of our performance then we must be doing our jobs right.” You answered, having a fake smile plastered on and looking over at Tom he had one on too.

“Are you sure? Because there are some photos that say otherwise.” James took some cards out from the desk drawers and flipped one around for the audience and you and Tom to see. 

The picture was pretty tame, you remember seeing the photo on twitter but it didn’t get enough heat that you had to make a statement. It was of you and Tom laughing with your head thrown back, sitting down at an outdoor cafe. You were wearing your normal clothes with a pair of sunglasses on as a weak attempt to not draw too much attention to yourselves.

Grant it, you were on a date, but it was your lunch break from filming and you both wanted to get out for the couple of hours you had free. And after a long half day of filming that started at the crack of dawn and that would probably end until the sun had long been down, all you wanted to do was spend some time relaxing with your boyfriend away from set.

“When do you think we are gonna finish filming tonight?” Tom asked as you took a sip of your tea and he bit into his muffin.

“Luke says that I had to film the boat scenes and then we have to film the rock climbing scene followed by you filming the sword fight scene with Oscar right after.” You read off the schedule that the assistant director texted you.

“Does it say when we are going to finish?” He asked hopefully.

You frowned and shook your head. “Nah, they said it's undetermined.”

Tom groaned and sank down in his chair, “that means that it's going to be a late night.”

“Oh come on babe, the scenes tonight aren’t that bad.”

“Yeah” Tom sat up a little better and reached for his cup of tea, “but I would rather spend the night cuddl-FUCK!” Tom knocked his tea onto his lap and you started laughing, and your laughs caused Tom to start laughing as he gathered some napkins to clean up the mess. 

“We were just going out for lunch that day and Tom spilt some tea on him.” You clarified, sitting up a little straighter as you knew this was just the beginning of it all. “That’s why we were laughing.”

You wanted to reach for Tom’s hand and he wanted to reach for yours, just as a simple way for support. But didn’t because you didn’t want to create another reason for all of the rumors.

James tossed the old card off the stage then flipped another one. “Well, what about this one.” ‘Ooo’s’ spread throughout the audience and looking at it you immediately understood why.

Now, this photo you distinctly remember having to make a small statement about it. It's a simple one of you and Tom walking down some streets in London at night, when you were there visiting his family and friends for the weekend. But the main focus was on your hands holding one another. 

“Tom, are you sure no paparazzi hang out around here?” You asked, adjusting your jacket and reaching for Tom’s hand. 

“Yes, love, I’m sure.” Tom assured, kissing your shoulder. “I’ve been here tons of times before and I’ve never had any run-ins.”

“But if you’ve been here before doesn’t that mean they know you’ll most likely come here again?” 

“I don’t think I’ve been spot-”

A bright flash in the dark streets cut off Tom’s sentence and you both immediately retracted your hands from one another. A couple of paparazzi found you both and started taking photos and coming closer. Luckily you were close to the bar where you were visiting some of Tom’s brothers so you just jogged into the building to get away from them. 

You forgot about the pictures until the next morning, you were too busy drinking and having fun to be focused on that. But when you woke up with a mild hangover with about five missed calls from your publicist and texts from your friends asking if the photo is real, you knew you had to do something.

“Babe wake up.” You nudged Tom who was still sound asleep on his side of the bed as you opened twitter and scrolled through the photos that were taken. 

“Tom get the fuck up.” You lightly punched him in the arm.

He groaned and pulled the covers up higher over his bed. “Just give me ten more minutes, babe.”

You ripped the sheets away from Tom, “the photos from last night are out and we need to do something.”

He lifted his head up quickly and moved over so he could look at your phone. “What do you want to say?”

You shrugged your shoulders, still looking through all of the photos. “I guess I would like to tell friends, but I don’t want everyone to know just yet.”

“Yeah, it would be nice to rub it in my brother's face that we’re dating.” Tom agreed, reaching for his own phone. “Last night Harry would not shut up about how I have ‘no chance’ with you.”

“It was pretty hard to not kiss you last night.” You joked, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll text my publicit to let them know we are not a thing and what we should say.”

Coming back to the present time, you decided to take the lead on this one. “We were actually just going to meet some friends at a pub, and I was only holding his hand because my heels were too tall and I kept tripping.” 

The crowd sighed a little, causing you and Tom to laugh. “What? It’s true! I don’t do so well in heels other than on a stage!” You defended, talking to the live audience. 

“It’s true, she almost tripped like five times. If it wasn’t for me, she would have twisted both of her ankles.” Tom joked. 

“Okay, okay. Last one, alright?” James said, playing with the card. You both nodded your head, already thinking of an excuse to use. 

James flipped the last card around.

“Fuck.” You quietly groaned but thanks to your mic ended up being louder than you wanted.

The picture looked like it was from today, no more than three hours ago when you arrived at the studio to film this show. It was of you and Tom in the car, kissing each other right on the lips and by the look of the photo, you both seemed to be really enjoying it.

“I took this puppy when I was out for a coffee run.” James admitted, handing the card to you and Tom which Tom eagerly took. 

You both didn’t talk for a couple of seconds before Tom realized you were on live tv. “At least we look hot in this, right babe?” Tom smiled, trying to spin this around so you both didn’t look worse then what you already were. He turned the photo around to show the audience again.

You smiled and passed the card back to James who threw it off stage. “I guess we had to come clean at some point.” You admitted and the audience began to clap and gave small cheers.

“So, how long has the lovely couple been dating?” James asked, trying to get the first scoop on you two.

“One year and seven lovely fucking months.” Tom admitted as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder, not scared to show his affection anymore. 

“And any plan for the future?”James inquired. “Do I hear any wedding bells soon?” 

“Honestly, I don’t think Tom and I need a wedding to prove how much we love each other.” You shared. “I’m not sure how a piece of paper and a party could make anything different then they already are. I already love Tom to the fullest extent and everyday I’m with him is a celebration of our love.”

A few awe’s spread throughout the audience and you hear a sniffle from next to you. Looking over you saw Tom trying to subtly brush away tears.

“You're really crying now?”

“What? I’m a romantic just like you said.” Tom laughed. They were clearly tears of joy, and he always tears up during any cheesy scene so you shouldn't have been so surprised. “But, everything she said is true. I don’t think a couple of rings could properly symbolize our love.”

“You two have been spending too much time filming cheesy romantic movies.” James joked. “But I guess it proves how you both were able to convey such a romantic couple! And make sure to check out The Princess Bride starring Y/n Y/l/n and Tom Holland. Goodnight!”

The band played the shows play out a song while you and Tom waved at the camera until you heard someone yell cut.

“It’s been lovely having you both on the show!” James shook your hand then Tom’s. “Can’t wait for the two of you to come back.”

“Thank you for having us!” Tom chided and took your hand as you both walked off the stage.

Leaning into his shoulder and pulling him closer you whispered, “we are never coming back here.”

Hi! Could I request a fic where the reader is dating Peter (Pietro) and they live in Westview but there's a new person in town that makes Peter jealous? Feel free to change anything and pls take your time if you're busy or anything! :)) Take care!

warnings: themes of jealousy, brief mention of brainwashing (bc wandavision), fluff, I ended up making the reader gender neutral here !

a/n: sorry if this is a bit clunky, I used this piece as a way to get myself back into writing again. also I imagined the role of Max being played by Oscar Isaac when I was writing this aha

summary: a new Westview resident leaves Pietro doubting your love for him, but there’s nothing some homemade brownies can’t fix.

You’re gorgeous, big smile and sparkling eyes lighting up the entire block as you generously pass out your homemade brownies to every neighbor you come across. After all, what kind of block party would it be without dessert? Your baked good are almost as sweet as you, but Pietro knows he isn’t the only one to have made this connection. That schmuck hasn’t left your side for a single second, and it has the silver haired man fuming. You were quite literally made for him, and yet all of your attention is being eaten up by the newest star of the show.

According to Wanda, his name is Max; he’s tall, dark, handsome, and Westview’s newest resident who just so happens to live right across the street from Pietro’s own home. He’s a single guy who helps old ladies across the street and lonely housewives with their chores, and right now he’s helping himself to your precious brownies, brownies once reserved for Pietro only. The Maximoff twin has never felt so green with envy before, and yet as he watches you laugh at another man’s joke he can’t help but feel nauseated and livid all at once. And the worst part is you’re absolutely oblivious to both Max’s flirting and your boyfriend’s sulking.

He knows the man is nothing but a plot device, something to keep the story interesting, and by the next episode Max will be nothing but a background character, but that still doesn’t make him feel any better. Why did you need an outsider to keep your relationship interesting? Wasn’t brainwashing you into loving him enough? You could have everything you wanted here with him, life was so much better than the one you had once lived. No more living off of minimum wage and tips, no more lonely nights spent gazing out your window dreaming of something better, no more sleeping in an empty bed by yourself; he and Wanda did you a favor, Pietro could provide for you in a way Max never could, so why settle for less?

“Hey, handsome,” your sweet voice chirps as you appear seemingly out of nowhere and plant yourself at his side, almost as if you’d heard his silent pleas for your return from Max’s hold. “Tommy swiped the brownies when I wasn’t looking but I was able to save you a piece.”

“Taught him everything he knows,” Pietro says proudly, but the smile he flashes doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Frowning sympathetically, you reach up and hand feed him a bite of the pastry. It’s fantastic, he expects nothing less from you, but the usually rich and sweet taste now feels sour against his tongue as he is reminded that Max has had your cooking on his own tongue.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” You prompt with a pout, hand immediately reaching out to rest upon his bicep in a comforting matter. You’re so sweet and perfect, Wanda knew what she was doing when she paired the two of you together. (“Nothing but the best for my brother.”)

“Nothing, babe. Just a little partied out is all,” he replies with a disinterested shrug. A path of guilt hits him at the look on your face; he knows it’s not your fault, and you’d never purposefully seek out another man to replace him, and yet the gnawing feeling of jealousy remains.

“Did I do something wrong? It’s the brownies, isn’t it? I knew I should have added an extra cup of sugar—”

“No, baby. You didn’t do anything wrong,” Pietro reassures you, carefully cupping your face in his hands before bringing you forward to press a kiss to your forehead. “Your brownies are perfect. I guess I’m just not in the mood for mingling with the neighbors today.”

“Oh... well, that’s okay. If you want we can go home,” you say with a small smile. “We can put on your favorite movies and relax, it’ll be fun!”

“You sure do know the way to my heart, don’t you?” He grins, teasingly poking at your sides to elicit an embarrassed giggle from you.

“I know you like the back of my hand,” you reply with a cheeky smile, gifting your boyfriend with a chaste kiss on the lips. “Let me just say goodbye to everyone and then we can go.”

Pietro watches you scurry off to politely excuse yourself from the party and thank your neighbors for the delightful dishes they served with the hint of a smirk on his face. Max may be good looking and he may seem like he has it all, but there’s one thing Pietro has that Max doesn’t, and that’s you.

Hiya. If you haven't yet seen the 2013 erotic thriller In Secret starring Elizabeth Olsen, Oscar Isaac and Jessica Lange I highly recommend it. I've watched it twice in the past month. Lol.

Oscar's character Laurent Leclaire is so sensual, so devious that I decided to write a short, filthy little fanfic starring you, the reader, and him.

Laurent is sexy evil personified, sigh.

The setting is 1860's Paris. The story takes place before Laurent meets Elizabeth Olsen's character Therese. You are a young (nothing illegal, you are 19) virgin artists model that gets seduced and absolutely ravished by the dominant, more worldly Laurent one evening in his studio when you are posing for him.

Warnings, female receiving oral sex, dominance, frank descriptions of painful virginity loss, rough sex, language, not for anyone under 18. Just pure, gratuitous, thirsty smut. Lol.

But it's set in the Victorian Era so that makes it classy? Lmao.

Touch and taste

Things started out fairly innocent enough. You met him at your older sister's dinner party one evening.

He is a friend of your sister's husband, they went to school together.

Your sister is much more outgoing than you and at 19 you are still unmarried, having never even held hands with a man before.

You live with your sister and brother in law in an old but tidy home in Paris. You are middle class and the home is well decorated and furnished. Your sister is expecting her first child and you are looking forward to helping care for the infant.

The two of you have a warm, loving relationship.

Even for the Victorian Era you are painfully shy, your sister had to beg you to come to her party.

There are several single men there and she's trying to find you a suitor, a potential husband.

He was an artist, and his name was Laurent Leclaire.

You sat across from the mysterious, brooding man and as you attempted to make small talk with the other guests you couldn't help but notice from the corner of your eye how he looked at you.

It was like Laurent was studying you, taking in your shy, delicate beauty. When your eyes finally meet he flashes you a devilish little smirk that sends a shiver down your spine.

Your face turns bright red and you immediately look down.

In the glow of the candlelight you can make out his absurdly beautiful chiseled features. His curly hair, dark eyes, and of course that smile. He made you feel things, unfamiliar feelings that terrified you somewhat. You feel a twinge, an ache, coming from somewhere inside of you. Somewhere where good, Christian women don't normally get those feelings

"Oh dear, what's wrong?" Your sister asks, noticing your flush.

"It's nothing". You reply quickly with a nervous giggle.

"Perhaps I've imbibed in too much wine, I'll be fine".

"Oh my it's getting worse!" The older lady sitting next to your sister exclaimed.

You happen to catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror hanging on the wall across from you. Indeed the flush has gotten worse, your pale cheeks are as red as cherries.

"Let's get you upstairs". Your sister insists, helping you get to your feet.

"No I'm fine". You reply, sounding slightly irritated.

"You look terribly unwell". Your sister continues. "Come with me".

You reluctantly follow your sister upstairs to your room. You have to pass the handsome stranger on the way by, and you could have sworn you felt his hand brush yours, and then down the soft velvet of your skirt.

Once upstairs your sister helps you undress. You crawl into your bed and she brings you a cup of warm tea.

"You have a fever". Your sister frets as she lays her hand on your forehead.

"Quit fussing over me I assure you that I'm fine". You reply, smiling a little as you begin work on the embroidery project that was waiting by your bed.

"How am I ever to find a suitor with you making me leave the party early?"

"There's noone suitable there". Your sister replies sharply.

"What about the dark haired gentleman across from us?" You inquire, a slight smile creeping across your face.

"His name is Laurent and he is nothing but trouble". Your sister snaps back. "Stay away from him, I mean it, he will ruin your reputation".

Your sister's harsh words surprise you a bit, but you now have a name, Laurent, and you are also intrigued by your sister's stern warning.

Ruin my reputation? What on earth does that mean? You wonder as you nod off to sleep.

The next morning you are awakened by the familiar smell of food cooking and the sound of men talking. Sleepily you leave your bedroom and step into the hallway.

It's him again. You catch a glimpse of Laurent talking to your brother in law in the foyer. You immediately duck back into your bedroom and hastily get dressed.

You dash down the stairs quickly, brushing past Laurent. You look at him and flash a shy smile, he smiles back warmly.

You enjoy a nice leisurely, breakfast with your sister, brother in law and Laurent. You catch him glancing at you again, your face turns a light shade of pink.

Afterwards Laurent catches you alone in the foyer. You formally introduce yourself, Laurent kisses your hand.

"Your features. They're so classically pretty, like a sculpture". Laurent tells you as a rather seductive smile appears on his handsome face.

"I'd like to, if you wouldn't mind, paint you".

You giggle nervously at his proposition as your face turns pink. Laurent gently touches your flushed cheek,

you look at him and say nervously, "I'll do it".

"Wear that beautiful velvet dress you had on last night, and the pearl earrings too". Laurent replied, looking into your eyes.

The next afternoon you nervously arrive at Laurent's small flat/art studio, which was only a short walk from your own home.

As soon as he opens the door he smiles brightly and takes your hand. He leads you to a small room, where you sit on a chair in front of an easel.

Laurent sits next to you, looks deeply into your eyes and says,

"Tell me more about you, y/n, I like to learn more about my subject before I paint them".

"There isn't much to say really". You reply quickly, your face turning bright red again. "I'm 19, from Paris, I love my sister and brother in law. Both our parents passed years ago."

"You get embarrassed around the opposite sex, don't you?" Laurent pressed, taking your hand in his and stroking it. "You're so innocent like a child, but at the same time I know you're curious".

The man has read you like a book, you gasp a little at his words and start to tremble noticeably. Laurent leans over and kisses you gently on the cheek.

"Can I kiss your beautiful lips?" He continues, his breathing changing a little due to his own arousal.

"I've never done this, kissing". You reply, the heat from the lower part of your body becoming almost unbearable. "You'd have to show me".

"Open your mouth a little bit". Laurent orders, stroking your cheek with his strong hand. "Follow what I do".

He passionately kisses you using his tongue, you're shocked but quickly mime what he is doing. One of his hands drifts to your lap and he starts to stroke the wetness that is hidden by your pantaloons.

"Undress for me, I want to see my beautiful subject, all of you". Laurent orders, not asks.

You are so caught up in the moment, in him, that you obey his commands.

Noone has ever seen you like this, male or female. Well, maybe your sister. Definitely no men. You are trembling a little as you stand before him.

Laurent uses a paintbrush to trace and tease your body, you can see his hard manhood through his trousers.

"Let's go into my bedroom, I want to touch and taste you". He orders.

You go into his bedroom and recline on his bed. Laurent undresses, revealing his lean, muscular body.

His hard cock looks massive, intimidating, you've only seen them in medical journals and you've had no idea that they were this large in person. Perhaps it's just his own personal endowment.

Laurent kneels between your trembling legs and gently spreads them.

"It looks like an orchid, a fragile, pink orchid, it's so beautiful". Laurent tells you as he teasingly massages your intricate folds that are peeking through a thick patch of hair with his fingers.

He leaves you for a moment and grabs a sketch pad, he uses charcoal and quickly sketches your womanhood. When Laurent is done he shows you, you gasp a little and say, "I've never seen this side of myself".

"Can I touch and taste your petals?" Laurent pushes, you can see the desire burning in his eyes.

"Taste? What do you mean?" You ask, innocently having no clue what he means.

"Let me show you". Laurent purrs, leading you back over to his bed. "Tell me where you want my tongue".

You relax on the bed again, you gently spread your legs and he kneels before you and spreads them further.

He touches his tongue on your sensitive bud, causing you to immediately tremble from pleasure.

Laurent begins to suck and lick your frilly inner lips, you moan with delight from the intense sensation that you are feeling spread throughout your body.

What he's doing to you feels so good yet so sinful, and dirty.

Laurent's tongue moves down further, and he hits a barrier, your hymen is still intact and fairly thick, he gives it a gentle little flick with his tongue.

He then buries his face into your hairy mound, taking in your sweet, musky scent, the tip of his nose brushing against your wetness.

Your scent makes him moan from delight, Laurent is showing you just how much he savors and appreciates the female anatomy.

He teasingly strokes your innocence with his finger, being extra careful not to penetrate it or break it.

It's almost like he's in awe and aroused at that little barrier.

"My cock needs you, I need to feel this". Laurent begs, you can see the precum oozing from his hard tip.

"It's for my husband". You reply quickly and nervously.

"Noone cares about that anymore, especially in this city". Laurent tells you with a quick laugh.

You are so worked up and attracted to him that you relent, he spreads your legs again and positions himself on top of you.

Laurent starts to enter you, you gasp and sputter in a mixture of agony and pleasure as he slowly penetrates you, both of you can feel the moment your hymen breaks, spilling a considerable amount of blood on his sheets.

"Does it hurt?" Laurent asks.

"Yes". You reply, tears rolling down your cheeks.

"Good". He replies, thrusting into you harder.

With your legs wrapped firmly around his waist Laurent fucks you, hard. The pain quickly turns to pleasure as you become more comfortable with his body.

When he cums he fills you with a fairly large load as he moans and sputters. Afterwards Laurent spreads your legs again, and sticks his tongue deep inside of you, tasting a mixture of your juices.

Your sister is correct. If Satan himself walked the earth his name would be Laurent Leclaire. The man is so virile, so charming and so handsome that even you, the shy, innocent virgin relented to his charms.

Afterwards with his help you get redressed. As he's lacing you into your corset Laurent gently kisses and nuzzles your neck, muttering about how beautiful you are.

You sit with him through the night and he does indeed paint your portrait, as promised.

"You touched my hand and dress when I was walking by at the dinner party, didn't?" You ask, your face turning pink again.

"Of course". He replied, chuckling a little. "I wanted to see if you were as soft and delicate as you looked. Your silken hand felt just like the beautiful fabric of your gown".

"Why the pink background?" You continue, smiling a little.

"The pink represents the blushing of your cheeks". Laurent explains, sounding like every bit the serious artist. "And the colors of your beautiful petals, you are truly a masterpiece of God's creation".

The end

I'm here to talk about find me in Paris. I won't watch s3 because I'm pissed about them breaking Lena/Max and Thea/Frank. But can you please tell me what happens with Isaac and Jeff through the season?

Hell yeah man!!! I’m like,,,,hoping that it was the actors’ (Max and Thea) decision to leave bc if not that’s seriously the worst writing choice of all time but not watching s3 is such a valid choice I’m literally only continuing for Jeff/Isaac and ines bc I love her

Ok so I haven’t finished yet but I’ll reblog this with updates when I do and if there are any, but basically Jeff and Isaac have theoretically already spoken to each other about their feelings by the time the show begins completely ignoring the fact that it literally picks up where s2 left off. So they just casually mention they’re together and they’re boyfriends a couple of episodes in which disappointed me a little but I was willing to let it go,,,,

Except then like every SINGLE plot line they have with each other is just them fighting about something. First it was Jeff embarrassing Isaac in front of his dance partner bc he mentioned how Isaac had said she was too controlling.

Then it was Jeff and Isaac getting in trouble for fooling around during rehearsals which led to Isaac going behind Jeff’s back and turning a role that had been for both of them into a solo for himself and he didn’t tell Jeff until Armando mentioned that it had been changed.

Then after the performance had been done and the workshop they went to finished Armando ranked all the students and Jeff got first boy while Isaac got second so now all the tension is coming from Isaac acting like he doesn’t think Jeff deserves it and that it must be some mistake even tho they’re literal actual boyfriends and he should be supportive.

Oh ALSO auditions for company are coming up soon but there’s only one spot available for male dancers and so that’s creating a kind of rift between them bc they’re competing for it all while Isaac is still resentful that Jeff was ranked first.

There have been a couple nice moments like when they make up and dance on a boardwalk a little bit and Jeff kisses the side of Isaac’s cheek to reassure him and they create a YouTube channel for Jeff’s hip-hop which was a nice project for them to do together,,, but overall a lot of it is just fighting, they’re not really given a break between all the different drama and are just hopping from one to the next, and they’re definitely definitely NOT given the same care and weight that all the heterosexual couples are even tho they’ve been together longer than both Oscar/Bree and Nico/Lena (nico’s a new character) and (presumably) Ines/Frank.

I’m very upset about the way their storyline is being handled and I’m very upset with the way they’re portraying Isaac as someone who’s jealous and not supportive especially since

A) he’s one of the few Black characters on the show and portraying him as the one who’s consistently starting all the problems in their relationship and painting him as irrational and unlikeable just reinforces the amount of attention and thought paid to all the white characters and

B) it does a disservice to his character since in s2 he was constantly shown as being supportive of Jeff (which was BEFORE they started dating) and he mentioned how much he admired Jeff’s ability to not care so much or be affected by what ppl think.

I don’t need their relationship to be perfect and by all means have that friction and that jealousy be there bc that’s understandable, but I’d much rather see Isaac working hard to be supportive of Jeff while struggling with the fact that he doesn’t feel as though his boyfriend deserves it and feeling guilty bc of that, instead of an Isaac who has no regard for Jeff’s feelings and very blatantly puts him down and says that he’s the obvious choice and deserves it way more.

Also there needs to be good stuff to outweigh or balance out all the fighting bc otherwise their relationship just doesn’t look like a good fit and I really really want it to be a good fit bc they are really adorable and good together

Anyway,,, Im not sure whether or not u just wanted casual updates in which case I apologize for the full on rant I just rly care about Jeff/Isaac and I wish the single gay relationship was given as much respect as the ridiculous amount of straight ones lol

Best of the Fests 2020.

From 17th-century werewolves to WWII gremlins to present-day nomads, the stripped-back, mostly virtual 2020 fall festivals still managed to bring the goods. Our team rounds up the very best titles we saw at TIFF, NYFF, the BFI London Film Festival and beyond.

LISTEN: Gemma Gracewood and Ella Kemp chew over their festival favorites in the latest episode of The Letterboxd Show.

Kudos to the teams at the Toronto, New York and BFI London Film Festivals for pulling excellent hybrid festivals together in extremely weird, not-at-all-ideal circumstances. From the always-excellent conversations (and Cameron Bailey’s always-excellent suits) to the hybrid options for viewing, we left feeling hope for our favorite art form.

We have been keeping track, over on our Twitter account, of the many film festivals going online, and it’s safe to say that virtual film festivals—and the wider accessibility they offer—have been a silver lining to this mostly awful year. Indeed, the 58th NYFF was one of Film at Lincoln Center’s most-attended festivals, with 70,000+ attendees in all 50 states and beyond. (We participated in a NYFF Industry Talk, along with MUBI and Rotten Tomatoes, about the future of online film conversation, moderated by Indiewire’s David Ehrlich.)

Attempting to replicate the extreme fatigue of the real thing, our festival team (Ella Kemp, Aaron Yap, Kambole Campbell, Jack Moulton and Gemma Gracewood and—helping us bridge the geo-locked divide—Canadian TIFF regular Jonathan White) disregarded international date lines and dove right in. We saw many films to love, but by consensus (and a poke around your Letterboxd reactions) these are the ones we’re still thinking about.

Lovers Rock Directed by Steve McQueen, written by McQueen and Courttia Newland. The ‘Small Axe’ anthology will be released on a weekly rollout on Amazon Prime Video beginning November 20 with ‘Mangrove’, then ‘Lovers Rock’, ‘Red, White and Blue’, ‘Alex Wheatle’ and finally ‘Education’. Seen at: NYFF, BFI London Film Festival.

Lovers Rock, the first part of Steve McQueen’s ambitious, multi-part film project Small Axe, feels like a massive stylistic departure for the filmmaker, in a manner that completely transfixes and astounds. It’s no wonder that this one turned heads at multiple festivals, as it’s immediately warmer, more freewheeling and sensual than any other McQueen work. It’s defined by a hypnotic focus on sound and touch, represented in its earliest scenes with a tactile close-up of a heated comb working its way through hair, and later with its focus on hands wrapped around shoulders, moving across shirts and dresses, people joining together and/or colliding through song and dance. Despite being made for television, it’s astounding how little Lover’s Rock feels that way. Often impressionistic and unbound to the kind of urgency or efficiency that naturally comes with having to adhere to a time-slot, it simply rests in the moment. With the seismic protests being undertaken by Black people this year, Lovers Rock feels like more than welcome respite from a hateful populace—visually rich, gorgeously soundtracked Black joy and love. Also, man, those shirts are incredible. —KC

Nomadland Written and directed by Chloé Zhao. In US theaters December 4. Seen at: TIFF, NYFF, BFI London Film Festival.

“I am already convinced that Chloé Zhao deserves the whole world,” writes Jaime of Nomadland, the TIFF People’s Choice winner. Personal security is something we don’t think about on a daily basis. We have shelter, we can buy food, anything else is bonus. But what if those two basic tenets vanish? While the global financial crisis affected all in 2008, it affected retirees more. Supposedly secure retirement investments vanished; security no more. What do you do? Survive. Zhao’s adaptation of Jessica Bruder’s 2017 non-fiction masterpiece Nomadland: Surviving America in the Twenty-First Century is a beacon of human spirit and survival. It may not be pretty, but it’s real. It’s not something to be embarrassed about, it’s something to be proud of. Those that let this happen to good, honest working people should be the ones embarrassed. —JW

Minari Written and directed by Lee Isaac Chung. No release date announced. Seen at: Middleburg Film Festival.

Minari is the medicine for these tough times. It’s a wonderful, wonderful, deeply personal, utterly serene and metaphysical portrait of America—freedom, faith, superstition, forces of nature, and ambition collide with the costs of intoxicating capitalist dreams, but not without a whole lot of heart. This is elegantly crafted, at once organic in its approach and always sweepingly cinematic. The film’s gentle sense of humor ensures that it never takes itself too seriously and allows the weight of its poetic images and juxtapositions to guide the narrative. The brilliant ensemble should grow to join Steven Yeun as household names (well, cinephile households). Youn Yuh-jung and Alan Kim are bright sparks as the latest classic duo of sassy grandma and precocious grandchild, but it’s Han Ye-ri—taking on the surrogate role of director Lee Isaac Chung’s mother—who provides an overlooked and tender sounding board for familial bonds in fraction. Minari is truly one of 2020’s most invaluable and essential pieces of art, living up to the hype built since Sundance. Korea came to the USA for the Oscars earlier this year, and if 2021 shows similar mercy, there’s a chance you’ll see this home-grown Asian-American picture mounting that stage in future. —JM

Wolfwalkers Directed by Tomm Moore and Ross Stewart, written by Will Collins with Moore and Stewart. Recently released in UK theaters; coming to Apple TV+ December 11. Seen at: TIFF, BFI London Film Festival.

The much-anticipated Cartoon Saloon adventure Wolfwalkers was met with only joy around here. A fable about what happens when a colonizing force tries to tame a wild forest, set during Oliver Cromwell’s Siege of Kilkenny, Wolfwalkers builds to “one of the most sensational animated third acts I’ve seen in years,” according to Animatedantic. The film’s themes are embedded in every hand-drawn line and stroke. “It’s not sleek and seamless and modern,” writes Cow Shea. “This is transparently a true work of art where all the work of that art is part of the finished product.” Mebh and Robyn are animated action heroes for the ages, and you’ll hear a lot about ‘Wolfvision’ in the weeks to come—for very good reason. Werewolf films have, for years, tried different ways to put us inside the beast’s mind, but Tomm Moore and Ross Stewart followed their noses and it’s as thrilling as things get. —GG

David Byrne’s American Utopia Directed by Spike Lee. On HBO and HBO Max now. Seen at: TIFF, NYFF, BFI London Film Festival.

David Byrne’s American Utopia is well on track to join Jonathan Demme’s film of another Byrne stage outing, Stop Making Sense (1984), as one of the highest-rated anythings on Letterboxd. We’re still deciding whether this film is sublime because the stage show itself is sublime, or because Spike Lee has sublimely captured the whole joyous thing for us to inject into our eyeballs, time and again, for far less than the price of a Broadway ticket. Let’s be honest: it’s due to both, and more besides. It’s a blessing upon 2020, of that we are certain. As Clint writes, “The phrase ‘this is the film we need right now’ is such a creaky cliché, but there’s an ineffable feeling that, if David Byrne and Spike Lee can’t heal the world with grey suits, bare feet, and some of the most all-encompassing works of music ever written, no one can.” As my colleague says, “will rewatch to death”. —GG

Shiva Baby Written and directed by Emma Seligman. On the festival circuit. Seen at: TIFF, LFF.

A girl walks into a shiva and bumps into her sugar daddy. What sounds like a joke sets up 77 minutes of note-perfect comedy horror in Emma Seligman’s Shiva Baby, her feature debut adapted from her dissertation short of the same name. It’s funny, horrifying, excruciating and so painfully, accurately Jewish. Isaac Feldberg calls it “cruelly hilarious about everything smothering and inevitably miserable about Jewish family gatherings”, but Seligman’s sharp eye for comedy, her affection for her teen hero Danielle (Rachel Sennott, a bona fide star) just figuring her career out and owning her sexuality (Molly Gordon playing Danielle’s overachieving ex-girlfriend Maya is a highlight) cuts straight to the core, however you relate. Matt Neglia points out how Shiva Baby “captures the behaviors of its characters with the same level of dry wit and detail as the Coen Brothers would”. What a thrill for a young, smart, Jewish, bisexual woman to be setting the pace now. Keep an eye on Seligman’s bright, bright future. —EK

Tove Directed by Zaida Bergroth, written by Eeva Putro. Released in Finland; on the festival circuit elsewhere. Seen at: TIFF.

If there was a film swoony enough to fill the Portrait of a Lady on Fire-sized hole in your heart this year, it’s Zaida Bergroth’s Tove, a bewitching biopic of Finnish author and illustrator Tove Jansson, creator of the beloved Moomin cartoon characters. Set in Helsinki during and post-World War II, the film orbits around her boho world, flitting between her creative struggles as a painter and deep sexual awakening with married theater director Vivica Bandler (Krista Kosonen). As Lillian says, “Lesbians and Moomins is such a huge fucking mood I never wanted it to end.” Alma Pöysti shines effortlessly in the lead role. “The film happens on her fantastic face,” writes Hannu. Seth agrees: “a captivating first-class drama about a world-renowned talent in search of her own identity, love and freedom.” A cozy fall-season perfection. —AY

Shadow in the Cloud Co-written and directed by Roseanne Liang. Slated for a summer 2021 release. Seen at: TIFF, AFI Fest.

A proud addition to the “she did that!” canon, the single downside of Roseanne Liang’s genre-perfect, “deliciously fearless” Midnight Madness winner Shadow in the Cloud is that there was no Midnight Madness to experience it at—but thanks to a juicy sale out of TIFF, we can look forward to a premiere next summer. Chloë Grace Moretz is Maude Garrett, a WWII pilot assigned to transport a highly classified package over the Pacific. The all-male crew of the B-17 Flying Fortress banishes her to the lower ball turret, where they harass, gaslight and leer over her—and that is nowhere near the worst part of this bonkers, non-stop hell flight, which Moretz carries like the future action hero she must now become, if the movie goddesses are listening. —GG

Pieces of a Woman Directed by Kornél Mundruczó, written by Kata Wéber. Coming soon to Netflix. Seen at: TIFF, NYFF.

You will be hearing a lot about Vanessa Kirby in the months to come. Pieces of a Woman is an arresting, often taxing watch, but few actors have delivered a performance as utterly overwhelming as Kirby portraying Martha, a grieving mother processing the loss of her baby. The filmmaking team (Mundruczo and Weber share a “film by” credit) zoom in on deep, jagged pain, and tease out some of the most affecting moments put to screen this year. Jack calls the film “an intensely intimate depiction of mental and marital deterioration caused by tragedy” and nods to master Howard Shore’s “subtle yet potent” score. It’s poetry in motion, with stunning turns from Shia LaBeouf, Ellen Burstyn, Sarah Snook and Benny Safdie also. But proceed with caution: “this film will destroy you”, Alisha Tabilin warns. —EK

Underplayed Directed by Stacey Lee. On the festival circuit. Seen at: TIFF. (Also recommended in our music movies round-up.)

Women-in-the-workplace movies aren’t usually this banging. Stacey Lee’s documentary Underplayed focuses on one corner of the still wildly sexist music industry—the dance-music scene—and lays out both the facts and feelings regarding why women still, always, deserve better. A number of key names guide the story—Rezz, Alison Wonderland, Nervo, TokiMonsta—giving the viewer a taste of what we’re missing out on while booking the same old men, over and over. And it’s not just because of the stats or the injustices that this is a must-watch: in times of limited social interaction and when the feeling of an adrenaline-fuelled crowd feels like a foggy memory, Lee captures some truly electric moments of these women thriving, captivating thousands of music lovers at once. “Buy yourself good speakers and turn them up because this movie is fun and it deserves it,” writes Matt Brown, and he’s absolutely correct. Underplayed is essential and exciting. The most entertaining education of the year. —EK

Another Round Directed by Thomas Vinterburg, written by Vinterburg and Tobias Lindholm. Awaiting new UK date due to lockdown. In US cinemas soon. Seen at: TIFF, LFF.

Another Round reunites filmmaker Thomas Vinterberg with his muse Mads Mikkelsen, in a lads-on-tour buddy movie, except the lads are four middle-aged high-school teachers, and the tour features a very casual, very constant level of intoxication each man commits to in the name of a social experiment. What could possibly go wrong, you ask? Plenty, naturally—but Vinterberg marries the slapstick moments of bumbling drunks falling over themselves with more mature, poignant scenes that question just how far you can or should go to feel that little bit more alive. There’s a lot to love here, but if we’re being very precise, it’s “rock-solid proof that Mads Mikkelsen is one of our greatest actors,” says Karen Han. Come for the wise, contemplative study of youth and spontaneity, stay for rock-solid proof that Mads Mikkelsen is also, somehow, one of our greatest contemporary dancers. —EK

One Night in Miami Directed by Regina King, adapted by Kemp Powers from his own stage play. In select US theaters December 25, coming to Amazon Prime Video January 15, 2021. Seen at: TIFF, NYFF.

Ladies and gentleman, Regina King has arrived. The actor wastes nothing in her feature directorial debut, bringing to the screen Kemp Powers’ vivid stage play of the same name with a heavyweight cast of greats. Kingsley Ben-Adir, Eli Goree, Aldis Hodge and Leslie Odom Jr. are Malcolm X, Cassius Clay (before he took the name Muhammad Ali), Jim Brown and Sam Cooke respectively, as the four men celebrate Clay’s victory over Sonny Liston in February 1964, during One Night in Miami. Rachel Wagner notes how “they all feel like friends and have chemistry, but each with a unique perspective”. This chemistry comes from King’s perfect alchemy of mood, design and structure; she lets her men speak, but her voice is never lost. “Queen King never wavers on her vision until every bit of flesh is torn off each man,” Ben notes, admiring a film that shines for all its famous faces, but stands the test of time for its rich, piercing empathy for every other one waiting in the shadows. —EK

Supernova Written and directed by Harry Macqueen. Awaiting UK and Ireland release due to lockdown; in select US theaters January 29, 2021. Seen at: BFI London Film Festival.

Colin Firth at his very best, Stanley Tucci losing his grip on himself, the luscious Lake District and endless cozy, delicious, warm knitwear. Supernova is every bit as beautiful as it sounds, but also packs a major punch when it comes to mapping a lifelong love story, and the cost of loyalty and pride when you’re fighting against pain nobody can control. As Sam and Tusker, devoted to one another for decades, come to terms with Tusker’s diagnosis of early on-set dementia, there is as much care and sadness as is to be expected, but it still feels brand new and cuts deep. Every good love story is its own. Director Harry Macqueen and his two shining stars understand this better than anyone. —EK

French Exit Directed by Azazel Jacobs, written by Patrick DeWitt. Scheduled for US release January 21, 2021. Seen at NYFF.

Armed with acerbic wit and sharpened claws, Michelle Pfeiffer delivers a vulnerable close-to-career-best performance in French Exit as a mother free-falling from wealth and reconciling with her son, an expertly cold Lucas Hedges. What appears to be formal and dry (“rich white-people stuff”, blegh) is actually wonderfully weird and surprisingly spiritual. There’s a divisive scene at the half-way point that instantly unroots the movie from any grounding we assumed it had established. In any other film, it would open up an entire world of possibilities, but French Exit decidedly treats it as matter-of-fact in order to focus on the emotional journey. It’s the decisive moment—you’re on its wavelength, or you’re overboard—and the rewards for staying aboard are plentiful. Patrick DeWitt’s adaptation of his own novel is in good hands with director Azazel Jacobs. —JM

Still Processing Directed by Sophy Romvari. On the festival circuit. Seen at: TIFF.

A final, honorable mention for Sophy Romvari’s Still Processing, the highest-rated short film out of TIFF, and an excavation of grief like no other. “You’ve got to watch this one twice,” writes Martyn. “First viewing to just weep every two to three minutes. Second viewing to really appreciate how great it is.”

star wars! a movie I have watched, now. spoilers, etc.

It’s just so dumb.

I can’t even hate it properly it’s just inherently dumb. there’s no stakes to anything there’s next to no character development and what little is offered is definitely unearned. the writing is painfully bad and it was just a big, flashy, hollow Thing that spent two and a half hours Thinging around without any actual payoff.

don’t Even get me fucking started on the fucking Rey Palpatine thing oh my god.

along those lines, the symbolic act of burying the last of the skywalker legacy back on tatooine where it first started (stupid, imo, but thematically significant so I’ll let it pass) only to turn around LITERALLY a minute later and proclaim yourself a skywalker is bad writing, what the fuck

“somehow, palpatine returned”

oscar isaac honey i’m so sorry

unfortunately (I know, I know, I’m embarrassed and I don’t want to talk about it) I did like the Ben Solo arc. is it unearned? sure! does he deserve redemption? nope! did I like the kiss? NO NOT AT ALL I HATED THAT NO THANK YOU

but when he shows up at the end and fights off the knights of ren and all that? yeah, listen, i was into it. I very much enjoyed the impression we got of a Ben Solo who is just like his parents, especially han, and I did feel regret when he died, even knowing there was no way the film would ever deal with the consequences of any of his actions because narrative payoff whomst?

(adam driver really carries that part off so well props to him and honestly the entire cast they did so much with so very very little to work with)

just, imagine if in the end he’d been the one to walk out of there instead of rey and have to fucking Do Something now. like, prove he’s strong enough to do the difficult thing like he keeps asking the whole damn trilogy. actually face what he’s done instead of this hackneyed hero’s sacrifice.

but then, that would be too much effort on the filmmakers’ part. easier to not deal with it

at least r*ylo died with him amen

that’s the other thing! by the end I was not staunchly opposed to the two of them finding some sort of balance or working together! like I would have followed that story further! but between the fan base and That Script, his unearned and emotionally hollow death is probably the best we could have asked for. sorry adam driver. thanks for making me not hate ben solo

that’s another thing––I hate how it kept fucking flinching. Chewie, 3PO, even Kylo Ren at the end; nothing felt like it had any true stakes and any loss or sacrifice was so quickly erased

hated the way they dealt with the sith. all of that, just. bad. u have SO MUCH lore to pull from in terms of the jedi and the sith and the force and religion and you’re gonna boil it down to “i’m all the sith” “i’m all the jedi” and expect us to go with it? how boring can you be

getting the old actors in to do the voices was cool tho

LET FINN BE A JEDI YOU FUCKER AT LEAST LET HIM TALK ABOUT HIS FORCE SENSITIVITY OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD

JJ Abrams is a coward

really tho I wish we’d gotten more of finn and poe I like those boys I wanted to see them grow

and kiss

jj abrams is a COWARD

I enjoyed getting the trio together but again, the writing, oh my god, why, how, etc.

also it was all so shallow :( they deserve better

the verbatim quoting of TFA with Han and the lightsaber was SO painful. the reliance on the force ghosts in general felt very heavy handed and cheap. like, let these characters come to their own conclusions? grow on their own?

poor kelly marie tran deserves better

I know it doesn’t need to be said but. palpatine.

god.

why.

no.

oh, carrie fisher

I know they had to work around what footage they have but what should be an emotional touchstone of the movie is quite literally a ghost. I know there’s nothing they can do about that, but god, I wish she’d played a bigger role

(did I enjoy the momentary jacen solo vibes of ren reaching out to his mom when rey stabs him? yes. was everything that came after a hot fucking mess? double yes)

I love that although rey is shouldering everyone’s legacy (like, jeez girl) she gets tied specifically to leia, who WAS a jedi in her own right. bringing out the lightsaber (and the scene where they’re young again and training) definitely got to me. I love leia organa and everything she has ever been

I will say this: I felt the emotions JJ Abrams wanted me to feel, with a hefty side of regret, disbelief, exhaustion, and irritation. it’s unfortunate that the writing was so so so bad and the plot was that awful but I did enjoy the star wars-ness of it all buried beneath the muck. so i’ll just be over here ignoring All of the plot. as one does, apparently

the other big thing I liked: the visuals. visually a stunning movie, and on the occasion it steps back to let the film show the story instead of telling it (so, like, that very first opening scene pretty much and nothing else) there’s some lovely work. very impressed by the VFX and also the cinematography. there’s one shot of rey that was just fucking delicious man. more of that. less speaking. please, god, less speaking.

anyway. 2/5 stars, I miss star wars, I wish it had ended better, happy to keep all these characters and take them away from dumb bad writers forever thanks

804.

1. When was the last time you swam in a pool? >> The last time I was in a pool was probably over 5 years ago, at Easton Mountain. I’m not fond of the way pool water smells. 2. Do you like to party? >> I like gatherings, and get-togethers, and barbecues, and casual social events at someone’s house with food and booze and games. I don’t really care for anything more hectic than that. 3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? >> --- 4. Are you a virgin? >> No. 5. What are your parents views on your relationships? >> There could never be a relationship that my father would have approved of.

6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years, would you marry them? >> --- 7. Is your best friend dating anyone? >> --- 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing? >> It’s black and has the design from the Endless Night Vampire Ball of 2019 on it. 9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you? >> Why would that bother me? 10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up? >> Of course, I do it all the time. 11. What is one feature that you don’t like? >> --- 12. Would people describe you as happy? >> I don’t know how people would describe me. It’s not like I make a habit of asking, and most people don’t make a habit of volunteering that information out of the blue. 13. Are you single? >> No. 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? >> Eh, whatever. For some reason, romantic relationships are of the most pressing importance to a lot of people, and I’ve gotten used to it. 15. Do you have Tumblr? >> Heh. Wouldn’t you like to know.

16. What about Xanga? >> Damn.... RIP. 17. Have you ever babysat before? >> Nope. 18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate? >> Well, no, I’m not even in school. 19. Ever shopped at Sephora? >> Yeah, many times. 20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away, what would you do? >> The thing about having a spouse whomst you live with is that this kind of thing is way less likely to happen. 21. Do you have any university plans? >> No. 22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do? >> --- 23. What are your views on sex? >> I don’t have “views” on sex. That’s such a broad question, lmao... 24. Do sexual questions bother you? >> Nah. 25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up? >> Wh.................. 26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding? >> Nah, I was never much into the idea of having a wedding. And then I had one, so you know. Life is like that. 27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’? >> I haven’t seen anyone type like that in almost a decade. The world has moved on. 28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? >> --- 29. Would you ever date a friends Ex? >> This is one of those situations that I just can’t at all imagine myself navigating. 30. What’s the last book you read? >> The last book I finished was The King in Yellow. That’s going to be my answer for a while, because the book I’m (re-)reading right now is fucking long. 31. Ready for 10 simple questions? >> Nope. 32. What is your last name? >> Hmm. 33. What grade are you in? >> I’m not in a grade. 34. What school do you go to? >> --- 35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring? >> Spring. 36. Favorite Color? >> Gold. 37. Are your parents together? >> No. 38. Any siblings? >> Not worth mention. 39. Favorite subject? >> I don’t have a favourite subject.

40. Least favorite subject? >> Or a least favourite subject. 41. Favorite song? >> People who can choose one favourite song are cryptids. 42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy? >> Hopefully I can stop giving such simple answers, too. 43. How many friends do you have on Facebook? >> Thirteen. 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country? >> Nope. 45. Have you ever googled yourself? >> Yeah. It’d be a lot harder to google myself now, because I have a fictional character’s name. 46. Have a Formspring? >> Well, no, considering that site is defunct. 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? >> Tell whoever it is to give the tickets to someone else? I’m completely uninterested in Justin Bieber. 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? >> Amusement park, if I must. 49. Been to Disney world? >> No. 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? >> No. 51. Ever had a boyfriend? >> Yes.

52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? >> I don’t know, maybe. 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret? >> No. 54. Ever drank alcohol? >> Certainly. 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs? >> Sure. 56. Ever watched The Hills? >> No. 57. What about Jersey Shore? >> No. 58. Ever called someone a slut? >> Not seriously. I’ve said it in a joking way to friends who appreciate that sort of banter. 59. What do you think of short shorts? >> I don’t want to wear them. 60. Does it bother you if people swear around you? >> Of course not. 61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject? >> Yes. 62. What about a B? >> Argh..... yes to all. NEXT 63. And a C? 64. How about a D? 65. Ever skived? >> I don’t know what that is. 66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle? >> These dynamics don’t really apply to adult life... well, not in my experience. Maybe if I had a more structured social life? 67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? >> --- 68. Ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend? >> Nah. 69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69? >> I don’t make any judgements about it. 70. Ever watched porn? >> Yep. 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month? >> I don’t think I’ve broken any, considering I barely even go outside except to take walks. 72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock? >> No. 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? >> All days of the week are pretty much interchangeable to me. 74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join? >> --- 75. Ever performed in a talent show? >> Probably. I don’t remember. 76. Have you ever cried in public? >> Yeah. I used to be homeless in a metropolis, privacy wasn’t something I had access to. Guess that might be part of why I’m so big on it now. 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? >> --- 78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? >> Fuck no. 79. How many celebrity crushes have you had? >> *shrug* 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? >> *shrug* 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive. >> Matthew McConaughey, Peter Mensah, Jeremy Irons, Denzel Washington, Oscar Isaac. 82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive. >> Sandra Oh, Aisha Hinds, Normani Kordei, Gillian Anderson, Helen Mirren. 83. Ever been compared to a celebrity? >> Yeah, a couple of times. 84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? >> I only have one photo of myself on facebook. 85. Do you think spending £20 on Lip Gloss is a waste of money? >> It’s not a waste of money for whoever buys it. That person just wouldn’t be me, I have no interest in lip gloss. 86. Are you opinionated? >> Not especially. 87. Do you have a favorite store? >> Nope. 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans? >> I did when I was younger, but I doubt I’d be into them now. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? >> No. I can’t really fit into any jeans that aren’t stretchy (and the stretchy ones are usually skinny jeans). 90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week? >> Many times. 91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school? >> A couple of months, when I was in the psych ward. 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand? >> Yeah. I google almost anything I don’t understand, unless I just have zero interest in understanding. 93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture? >> Why... would that bother me... 94. Own a pair of converse? >> Nope. I can’t wear any shoe without arch support. 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites? >> --- 96. If yes, are you one of them? >> --- 97. Do you text in class? >> --- 98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? >> The only pairs of jeans I have are from Old Navy. 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” >> I don’t know what sizes are plus-sized and I’m not interested in finding out right now. 100. Do you want to lose weight? >> Yes. 101. Ever seen a therapist? >> Yes. 102. Ever watched porn? >> This is a repeat question and I would delete it if the questions weren’t numbered. 103. Ever purposely ignored a text? >> Yeah. 104. A facebook message? >> Yeah. 105. A poke? >> God, when did they finally get rid of those? I haven’t heard about pokes in years. 106. A friend request? >> Yeah. 107. Would you say you read into things too much? >> I don’t know if I read into things too much or not. 108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? >> --- 109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?) >> No. 110. Ever been called a bully? >> No. 111. Ever purposely hurt yourself? >> Many times. 112. Ever gone to church? >> Many times. I think I’ve gotten the gist of it by now. 113. Would you call either of your parents screw ups? >> One of them was certainly a screw-up in caring for their child... 114. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? >> Absolutely not, considering that’s the parent I was talking about in the previous question. 115. What do you want to do with your life? >> I don’t have any specific goals for my life. I’m pretty content just living it.

116. Let me guess… You have brown hair? >> Yeah. 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween? >> I don’t know if I’m ever going to get to dress up for Halloween. We’ll see. 118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? >> I’ve never been and I am way too old for it now. 119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you? >> Like 80% of the celebrities I named in those two questions about attractive celebrities are way older than me. 120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus? >> Only when I don’t have my headphones with me, which is... just about never. I know I have sensory issues, so I come prepared. 121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people? >> Fuck no. 122. Ever had a credit card denied? >> Yeah. 123. What’s the last movie you watched? >> The Lovebirds. 124. Last TV Show? >> Patriot Act. 125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do? >> I can’t imagine this being bothersome to me. Or even significant, honestly. 126. Ever been called a whore? >> No. 127. Are you american? >> Yeah. 128. Ever made yourself throw up? >> Yeah. 129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend? >> Yeah. 130. Are you Cute or Gross? >> What...??? 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”? >> It would bother me if that was a situation I’d ever find myself in. 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like? >> --- 133. Ever had the lead in a play? >> Nope. 134. What about a solo in a concert? >> Nope. 135. What kind of a student are you? >> I’m not a student. 136. Worst subject? >> --- 137. Best subject? >> --- 138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? >> Something like that. 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? >> --- 140. How late do you sleep in? >> 9a seems to be my limit. 141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them? >> --- 142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? >> This is so fucking rude. 143. Do you believe in love? >> Yawn. 144. Would you consider yourself a good student? >> --- 145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?” >> Not really, I usually just delete that question because, like... the survey-maker is definitely not going to see it, so what’s the point. 146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy? >> Salty + sweet, spicy + sweet, spicy + salty, or any of them alone except for sweet. 147. Are you going into High School this year? >> Fuck no lmao 148. What about Junior High? >> Double fuck no lmao 149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry? >> I don’t know, man. That’s usually contextual, anyway. 150. Where did you find this note? >> I got this survey from another survey-taker on tumblr. 151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone? >> Zero.

how would you rate the films of his you've watched so far

out of the ones i’ve watched so far, which is few:

kingsman golden circle: absolutely no rights. made him a secondary villain AND killed him. they could’ve had all the rights with the whip and lasso and the fingers and the yeehaw but they ruined it at the end. michael brian rawlins was the guy who did the lasso scenes i think mostly (like the jumping through the lasso one in the bar) and im rly glad pedro like. named him and was like “go look him up”. i cannae watch properly without getting disproportionately embarrassed. ok i lie i will give it some rights just because of the yeehaw but know that i definitely feel it deserves no rights. also its so funny if you google this movie sometimes you get results that ask if burt reynolds is in the film. 3/5

prospect: i loooooooove this film!!!!!!!!!!!! so so so so much. it’s exactly the kind of vibe in space movies i love. reminded me a lil of interstellar, which is so near and dear to my heart, but god. god!! out of all the ones ive watched so far this is one of my favourites of his. i really hope there’s a sequel or a novel or something expanding the universe of this. ive watched it repeatedly for the last few days honestly its. im a slut for space related things what can i say. just the whole vibe of the planet and the suits and the 70s/80s kind of tech and the instrumentals just. i love that so much. 5/5

equaliser 2: one right for giving him a wife and kids and having him actually interact with them. no other rights because once again he’s a villain and dies and the typecasting is so fucking real. also i thought this was honestly pretty boring like idk what i was expecting im sure if i went into it without the intent to simply like. watch pedro pascal. i could’ve enjoyed more (or watched the first one idk idc). i feel like i spent a year watching this one like i only made it through in like 10min blocks. i seriously dont know what the plot actually was at the end. do not ASK me about it i only remember pedros character (DAVE????? WHAT WAS HIS NAME) joking with his kid that you cant call it ‘new hamster’ and eventually relenting. 1/5 rights

triple frontier: it took me three days to watch this one and bee can attest to it. i feel like theres an entire half hour of absolute mania we never see to explain why they flipped on their morals from no kill/no killing kids to mow them down (they didnt btw! benny was the voice of reason god bless him). it was kind of laughable and you can poke holes in the plot and also ben “i have one emotion and its smoking.jpg” affleck was to blame for literally everything. pedro’s character catfish thankfully didnt die so this movie has like one whole right for that, half a right for giving him a baby back home :(( i only watched it for that rly soft voice he does, and how he fucking laid into everyone, aviators, and the “alright baby alright baby come on now”. if there was a sequel tho i wouldn’t be mad about watching bc im glad it stayed on oscar isaac’s pov character. like 1.5/5 for rights

i wanna watch if beale street could talk bc its by barry jenkins who did moonlight, great wall bc ig why not and also did u kno he has a figure bc of that movie, and if i find anything else ig i will but im not gonna go years back its okay. 

anyway now that i'm finally back on browser and can write long posts, full spoilery thoughts on rise of skywalker

i had a lot of time to think about it and honestly the more i did the more i went from 'i liked and was ok with most of it until the ending' and now the more i actually thought about it the more it progressed to 'actually, i kind of hate it, and there are individual moments that are very good that i love and then the ending ruins that too and now it rings horribly hollow and now i'm just sad and disappointed and also baffled at this whole movie'

first of all, the good part is: REYLO REYLO REYLO REYLO REYLO REYLO REYLO R E Y L O

i admit i had a very embarrassing reaction of pure unfiltered joy when they kissed because it was such a perfect moment, but also, in general? all the bits involving these two were easily the strongest and the most compelling. a lot of other very stupid bad moments tangled in between, but on the whole, when it was just them, their dynamic, their force bond, it was really intense and spicy and so resonant and beautiful all at one. i love them so so so much. their dynamic is SO juicy and good, their fights were amazing and gorgeous and also spicy and intense, and then the bits of palpatine fight where they interact without any words and just look at each other and you can just tell exactly what's going on without them even needing to say anything, the way they smile at each other and the love in their eyes, the tenderness in every motion, the encouragement when they see each other through the force bond in the middle of the ritual and rey just knows.... these moments are some of the best filmmaking in this whole movie.

unfortunately that was also when we got the bizzare exposition dump on her dumb backstory retcon that's very very delicately done so as to still be consistent with tlj and and this brings me to rey palpatine, which, on the one hand, is kind of the only rey heritage theory i'd ever accept and (ironically) the lesser of several evils that the heritage theories are, but also the undoing of what was really, really compelling in tlj about rey nobody and the horrible waste of potential that came from rey being a Nobody McNothing, her search for identity and ultimately accepting that it doesn't actually make her lesser as a human being, the potential that this movie is when she'll face her insecurities and emptiness and accept herself and find and forge her own path.... and also honestly it's dumb. it's really really dumb. if it had been built up to in any way in any of these movies, that would be one thing, and i actually find a lot of rey's struggles really interesting in concept but just awful and messy and forced in execution, and the idea of rey struggling with being good against an evil legacy and her own darkness is really compelling too, but rey doesn't need to be a palpatine or to want revenge on her actually good parents when being abandoned and alone her whole life is a very very good reason for her to have anger and hatred and darkness to struggle with. it also implies that she's evil because her great grandpa who she never met is evil and because genetics as opposed to like....... again, being abandoned and sold by two asshole jerk parents and having to repress the awful trauma of that her whole life and being unable to come to terms with it, which was interesting, and powerful, and very very real, and then it just throws away a really compelling set up for something really boring and bad. and then an ending for her that has no impact or emotional resonance and makes no sense and isn't in the least bit satisfying.

i will say though that i love love LOVE the dark rey fight, it was a vision but in the exact right Symbolic way, i loved rey struggling with her darkness in theory and it was the one and only part that was executed well, it was truly something that felt like it belonged here, it was eerie and intense and good. and unfortunately not properly followed on in any interesting way.

there were a few jokes that i liked and found funny! the way c3po says 'irony, sir' when poe asks him 'why can you not talk when we NEED you to' has me losing my shit, that was great, and also poe lighting the flashlight when rey uses her lightsaber as one was also hilarious. in general there were definitely a few actually purposefully funny moments that i liked.

ben's whole storyline up til the end was the only thing that really felt consistent and on track imo, a few missteps but mostly stayed solid, and I was very happy to get my bendemption. i can't describe how emotional i got at the scene with han and him throwing away his evil red saber and him calling han 'dad', and the force awakens callback-- i don't know why han is back as a ghost or if that's just a symbolic illusion or whatever, i don't care. adam driver is magnificent, and seeing him as ben again, seeing him comfortable with himself, and happy, on the light side, being playful while fighting and messing with the knights of ren because he’s so powerful and confident in his power, was worth everything. if there's one thing this movie really did right is that it made me suddenly realize that i actually love kylo-ben and also made me realize that i was so much more invested in his happiness than i thought, and unfortunately it made me realize this right as the story gave him maybe a few minutes or seconds of real joy and a beautiful sincere happy smile and then killed him off, and that's when i felt my soul being crushed.

look, i don't have tragic endings, okay, i don't hate even bittersweet endings, the purpose of an ending is to be satisfying and wrap up and tie together all the story strands in a way that makes sense for the story. that's not what this was. i would be willing to forgive the fact that the rest of the movie was a big stupid mess if it had just given the whole saga a proper ending, if it had been like umineko episode 8 which is also a big mess but with a perfect, beautiful, satisfying ending for the entire vn. but instead this just ruined everything, and made me feel miserable, hollow, and sad. this specific story, and trilogy, and nine part saga, did not need that kind of ending. we had a tragic and bittersweet ending for the first two, a happy ending to redeem all the misery of the skywalkers would have felt sincere instead of saccharine because you feel that they fought for it. and it would be a good complement to the rest of the movies and the message. instead we have two people who have both been lonely and emotionally isolated their entire lives finding solace and happiness and comfort in each other, finally finding a true connection and someone who understands them, but only getting to be together for all five minutes before the story rips them apart. and for what? what is this trying to say? what is the point? what is the point of doing that to either of them? how does this serve the story? what is the purpose of this? the tragedy and the depressing ending of the prequels is purposeful and intended and is done to make a point, because it's the story of a fall from the very start, by design, by its very premise. the tragedy of umineko is purposeful and done to make a point because it is about how these tragedies happen, and why, and the human behaviors that lead to them. how is it a good ending and how does it serve and complement anything in the rest of the saga to have one tragedy and one happy story with a bittersweet ending be concluded with a hollow pretension of a happy ending where one main character is miserable his entire life and dies when he’s still young after only a taste of the happiness that’s been denied to him, and the other loses her soulmate and is alone and surrounded by people who she herself said don't really know and understand her? taking on the name of a more famous family as if that's the only way she can forge and identity and meaning for herself?

ben's death actually had me so down and so sad i can't even be angry, honestly. the rest of the movie was full of dumb shit, it's like 80% mcguffin chasing with barley any actual character development or any substance and meat to it, rey-finn-poe have no chemistry because they were never supposed to have because they were never meant to be the trio of the movies until oscar isaac convinced jj to let poe live and that messed everything up because the thematic trio of these movies is finn-rey-ben, rose being sidelined because we need to please the racists who are threatened by her existence i guess and her relationship to finn ignored, the absolute waste of all the new characters and the incredibly stupid hux reveal that's also for naught right afterwards, rey's force lightning, the chewie death fakeout, the entire final battle being a big mess, finn not doing anything interesting or meaningful, the general weird bizarre baffling writing and dialogue choices and how it reads and plays out like something completely disconnected from not just the rest of the trilogy but the entire 9 movies and feels like a messy rough draft that a completed screenplay, and the all over the place pacing and everything... i would have accepted this is a weird, entertaining, fun movie if it weren't for the horribly depressing ending that makes what the creators apparently thinks is a happy ending ring terribly hollow and make me unable to find any joy in it. it's just so depressing i don't have the energy to even be fired up about hating it and i sincerely cannot for the life of me understand why it went this way. how is 'if you're miserable your entire life and make bad choices because of it your only way to redeem yourself is to sacrifice your life and have your one chance at happiness taken away from you because you don't deserve to live past your attempts to fix your mistakes and don't get to have a better life for your efforts'? how is that supposed to mesh with the rest of the story? how is that hopeful or uplifting or anything this saga is supposed to be? what even is this movie about other than the old and tried and redone ten million times 'believe in yourself and the friends you made along the way' message that means nothing at this point?

so yeah. thing bad. and i don’t even have the energy to be salty or angry. i’m just sad and disappointed and depressed about it all. and you know, coming from me, i’m very lenient and can find the good in nearly anything and can appreciate a lot of flawed and otherwise messy media for what it tries to do and for the good it does have. i love all the movies in the saga and i’m still a prequel fan. and the fact that i found this to be so disappointing and unsalvageable and tried to be positive about it and failed should tell you something. 

anyway i'm going to go get a warm blanket, some ice cream or other comfort food while i go watch tlj again to cleanse myself and remember what good movies made by people who understand what's important are like, and maybe go watch marriage story and whatever other stuff adam driver is in, and find a way to watch knives out again, and then binge on the most self indulgent reylo fanfic i can find and a lot of fix-its to heal my soul. i'm not going to stop liking or caring about star wars, or this trilogy, which had one very pleasant solid movie and one excellent and fantastic one, and plenty of other good content out there, just because the last movie dropped the ball so hard, but i am going to stew in my sadness and angst about it for a good long while.

How do you think elements from Snow White/Evil Queen, Pinocchio/Gepetto, and Ozma/Mombi will be incorporated in Volume 7?

Ozma and Mombi

Whelp,given what I know about the character in the context of the Wizard of Oz,I feel there is a greater likelihood that Mombi will be anadversary character to Oscar similar to how Salem is an adversary to Ozpin.

Perhaps RWBY’sinterpretation of Mombi will be another genderbentcharacter from the Wizard of Oz.Since Oscar is technically a genderbent Princess Ozma, picture…RWBY’s version ofMombi being a young male student of Atlas with a transformation semblance whoends up bullying Oscar while he’s astudent attending Atlas Academy.

I’m still holding out for myheadcanon about the heroes attending Atlas Academy during their stay in Atlas.I can definitely picture Mombi being arival student who takes an instant disliking to poor Oscar.

Youknow how back at Beacon, Cardin Winchester wasJaune’s adversary since his character alluded to the priest who I believedsentenced Joan of Arc to be executed. Well what if…at AtlasAcademy, Mombiwill be an Atlesian student who torments Oscar and tries to make him his slave similar to how Tip, the male persona of PrincessOzma, was the child slave for the Witch Mombi.

Inthe MarvellousLand of Oz, Mombi was a wannabe wizardress who was obsessed withobtaining magic despite not possessing any of her own. Perhaps, RWBY can alludeto this by having this Mombi character share the same obsession with magic ashis Oz counterpart and part of the reason why he takes a disliking to Oscar isbecause, Oscar knows more about magic than Mombi (being part magic himself) andends up embarrassing Mombi.

Dueto this, Mombi makes it his duty to make Oscar’s time at Atlas Academy a livingnightmare; even going so far as to use his transformative semblance to frameOscar for heinous crimes that put him at trouble with the school. At leastuntil his friends come to his aid. That’s one concept.

Youknow how back at Beacon, Cardin Winchester wasJaune’s adversary since his character alluded to the priest who I believedsentenced Joan of Arc to be executed. Well what if…at AtlasAcademy, Mombiwill be an Atlesian student who torments Oscar and tries to make him his slave similar to how Tip, the male persona of PrincessOzma, was the child slave for the Witch Mombi.

Inthe MarvellousLand of Oz, Mombi was a wannabe wizardress who was obsessed withobtaining magic despite not possessing any of her own. Perhaps, RWBY can alludeto this by having this Mombi character share the same obsession with magic ashis Oz counterpart and part of the reason why he takes a disliking to Oscar isbecause, Oscar knows more about magic than Mombi (being part magic himself) andends up embarrassing Mombi.

Dueto this, Mombi makes it his duty to make Oscar’s time at Atlas Academy a livingnightmare; even going so far as to use his transformative semblance to frameOscar for heinous crimes that put him at trouble with the school. At leastuntil his friends come to his aid. That’s one concept.

Eitherthat or…Mombiwill be one of Salem’s so-called followersbeyond Team WTCH that Qrow claimed to be back in V5. Y’know it’sweird. I find it heavily ironic that both Branwen Twins claimed that Salem andOzpin share followers outside of their close inner circles and yet we’ve seemexamples of neither following V5.

Upuntil this point, we’ve only seen the close members of Ozpin and Salem’ssanctions. At least with Oz, we know he technically has our young heroes whowere his former students. But as for Salem, apart from the Grimm and themembers of WTCH inclusive of Emerald and Mercury, who else serves Salem?

Whatother minions does she have under her grasps? It’d be interesting if Mombi ispotentially made to be another loyal servant of Salem who has wormed their wayinto being a professor of Atlas Academy teaching under Ironwood. That could be interesting.

Thisversion of Mombi, as a teacher could retain their fairytale counterpart’sobsession with magic. Perhaps thisversion of Mombi is someone who Salem promised power to, like Cinder Fall, ifthey served her loyally. Now that I think about it, Cinder is technically like Mombi.

WhileCinder is based loosely on Cinderella, her power-hungry nature and obsessionwith gaining more power by stealing it from other Maidens reminds me of Mombi from what I know of them, minus the connection toOscar. At least…notyet.  

IfMombi isn’t made into their own character for the Atlas Arc then I can totallysee the CRWBY Writers giving elements of her story to Cinder Fall to alsoestablish a connection between Cinder and Oscar which could eventually playinto their inevitable rematch. If Neo is to fight Ruby then picture Oscarfacing off against Cinder to avenge what she did to Ozpin?

Imagine what would happen ifCinder discovered that it was Ozpin who created the Maidens or that he stillpossesses magic himself. Imagine if…Cinder,knowing this detail, tries to finish what she failed to do by killing Oscar andstealing the rest of Ozma’s magic for herself. I’ve all for an Ozpin vs. Cinderrematch but with Oscar instead.

Imagine if…Cindershows her inner Mombi by kidnapping Oscar and using him as bait to lure out andtrap Ruby?

I like the idea of Oscar defeating Cinder Fall and taking back the magic fromher that was stolen from the past Fall Maiden. This will also tie into a curiosity I have about theMaiden magic. For centuries, the Wizards have remained distant fromthe Maidens. Ozpin said that the Maidens chose themselves which I now wonder ifthat was a choice the Wizards left up to them.

Thatbeing said, what would happen if a Maiden lost her power while a Wizard—itsoriginal vessel—was nearby? Would the magic return to Ozma, bestowing his successorwith the power he sacrificed?

Perhaps this will be how Oscar awakens his magical potential. Ozpin told the others in V5that his magic has been dwindling since he sacrificed a great deal of magic tocreate the Maidens during his lifetime as Isaac the Hermit.

Solet’s do some math here, shall we?

Let’s say, Ozma sacrificed 90% ofhis magic to create the original Four Maidens. That power was then dividedevenly amongst  each Maiden.

TheMaidens = 90% / 4 = 22.5 % magical strength per Maiden.

NoMaiden is magically stronger than the other because in terms of magicalstrength, they are all evenly matched. This would justify how Raven wasable to best Cinder during their match, not really on magical powers but moreso on experience and wit since magic-wise, Cinder and Raven were evenlymatched.

Soeach Maiden has been operating with an equal power of 22.5% magic while poorOzma and his wizarding successors after Isacc the Hermit hasonly been using 10% making the Maidens twice as strong as the Wizards.

Thiscould also justify how Ozpin wasn’t able to beat Cinder. While Ozpin has theexperience and the wit, he lacked the magical strength to go toe to toe withCinder and lost because of it. But…this is all just my speculation since wenever saw how that fight went down. Just the outcome.

Fall Maiden = 22.5 % magicalstrengthWinter Maiden = 22.5 magical strengthSummer Maiden = 22.5 % magicalstrengthSpring Maiden = 22.5 magical strength

Wizard (Ozmaincarnate) =10% magical strength

Thefour maidens combined will equal the amount of magic Ozma lost. However, what if…aMaiden were to be killed and instead of the magic going to another potentialMaiden, instead it returns to thecurrent incarnate of Ozma where the power originated from, i.e. Oscar Pine.

Rightnow, Oscar, like many of his Wizards before him, is working with only a smallpercentage of magic which he has yet to tap into for, I guess, plot reasonsand oh yeah, this thing called the Merge. But if a Maiden is killed and Oscargains the fraction of the power that was bestowed to that respective Maiden, thenthat would increase Oscar’s magical strength making him magically stronger than an average Maiden.

Let’s say, Oscar axes Cinder Fall during the Atlas Arcand the Fall Maiden magic returns to him tying into thetheory of what would happen if a Maiden dies while Oscar is within very closeproximity to the Maiden magic.

Oscar(Current Ozma Incarnate/Wizard of Light) = 10% + 22.5% = 32.5 % magical strengthWinter Maiden= 22.5% magical strengthSummer Maiden= 22.5% magical strengthSpring Maiden= 22.5magical strength

Combinedwith the Fall Maiden’s magic that Oscar/Ozpin can withdraw from Cinder, this inturn will give Oscar enough magical strength to be stronger than a Maiden inthe event that he ever has to fight one again.

Hewon’t be as powerful as Salem since she’s still operating at 100%. But let’snot forget the important detail. If it weren’t for Salem’s immortality, Ozma wouldhave killed her eons ago. As Diggs, Ozma bested Salem anddefeated her in their one on one dual.

What if…to defeat Salem, Oscargets the idea to revoke the Maidens of their magic, not by force but by another safer means so that hecan combat Salem one last time at full power, this time with Ruby’s aid.

If Ozma had the power to bestow the Maidens withmagic then perhaps Oscar via hisunlocked semblance will provide a wayto revoke the Maidens of their powers without necessarily needing to kill them.This fits into his character influence from Princess Ozma.

Perhaps…Oscar will come to see that it was a mistake of Ozma to create the Maidens and offers to taketheir powers away. After all, the Maiden magic belonged to Ozma and it should’ve been a power he shouldered alone.And…if my Pineheadheadcanon where Oscar is revealed to be the original form of Ozma reborn inModern Remnant then everything will comefull circle with both his soul and his magic returning to him in the modern new world.

Unfortunately atthe expense of other innocent people, such as the past Maidens and pastWizards. All the more reason why I can see Oscar coming to make this decision on his own in time.

Imagine if…both Ruby and Oscar workingtogether as one unit are vital to defeating Salem once and for all.When Ozma faced Salem years ago, he may have had the gods’ gift but he didn’thave the God of Light’s eyes. That went to the Silver Eyed Warriors and sinceRuby is technically the last one then…ifOscar a.k.a Ozma fought Salem again at full magical strength with the help of agirl who shares the eyes of the God of Light, would they succeed in killingSalem? Who knows? 

It’s all speculation fornow but dagnabbit, that’s a hunch I’m digging mighty fondly.

Pinocchio andGepetto

Well I already shared my favourite Gepetto and Pinocchioelements in this answer post that you can read right here.

Snow White and the Evil Queen

Hmm, honestly I don’t have much I can say to this section.However I will say this. The one element I can think off the top of my head isthe use of the huntsman.

In the Snow White fairy-tale, the evil queen ordered theHuntsman to kill Snow White so the huntsman lured Snow White into the forestwhere he had planned to axe her off. However after Snow White begged thehuntsman to spare her life, promising to flee into the forest, the huntsman doesspare Snow white, taking the heart of a wild animal back to the Queen as proofof him killing Snow White.

In the context of RWBY, what if…Whitley Schnee will play the roleof the huntsman in Weiss’ story? Since Jacques is constantly trying to getWeiss to return home so that she can resume being a prisoner of his patriarchalcage then perhaps this is how Jacques will utilize Whitley to get at Weiss. 

MaybeJacques will force Whitley to worm his way back into his sister’s life andeither manipulate Weiss or perhaps sabotage her relationships with her friends.

Similar to how the huntsmen was ordered to killSnow White, maybe Whitley’s orders will be to sever or ‘kill’ Weiss’ ties with the other heroes. After all, Weiss left home to forge her own path and on that path sheformed a better family dynamic with her friends and teammates which serves as part of herstrength and belief in herself.

Perhaps Whitley will attempt to ruin Weiss’bond with the other heroes as a means of forcing Weiss no choice but toreturn home when she feels like she has no one anymore. But just like thehuntsman, imagine if Whitley comes to understand Weiss’ reasoning for leavinghome and his experience and exposure to being with his sister (or sisters) andamong her band of friends will awaken a softer side to Whitley. So Whitley willend up being unsuccessful in bringing Weiss home. He might even be the one to bring to light and inform Weiss of their father’s secrets and crimes within the SDC. However Whitley’s potential role doesn’t stopjust there.

There is the part about the poison apple that’s supposed to kill Snow White but instead puts her into adeep sleep until a kiss from her prince wakes her up.

Perhaps Jacques will succeed in recapturing Weiss but it will be Whitley who either comes to Weiss’ aid with the help of Klein or maybe Whitley will inform Weiss’ friends of what happened to her to make amends for his actions at the influence of his father. That’s a way to redeem Whitley especially to the folks who are craving his redemption.  I know this isn’t really a well-established conceptbut this is the only thing I can think of at the moment.

Still, I hope it answers your anon-chan. Sorry for taking so longwith this response.

~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)

You like Oscar Isaac characters? Great!! If it’s okay and you don’t mind me asking...With Valentine’s Day around the corner, if you want, do you have any headcanons for how any of the Oscar characters of your choice may celebrate with their beloved? I really think your thoughts are nice and cute and romantic and would love anything you offer! ^_^ Thank you very much!!

God Bless You Anon, I Have Been Saving This Ask And Now It Is Finally Time To Unleash It! (You are too sweet to me and too kind and I Love You Very Dearly)

(I went with two OscarBoys who have not yet been featured and another Abel because... I like Abel.)

1. Rydal Keener.

Rydal is a romantic, through and through. He’d whisk his love off for a day of exploring the city, getting lost in alleyways, visiting small, quiet shops, tugging her into cafes to peer at the sweets under glass. He’d walk with her along the beach and hold her hand, then ask if she’d like to hear a poem he wrote for her.

“I know, it’s dumb,” he sighs, trying to smile off the embarrassment. “A love poem on Valentine’s. But, well, I just... think of you a lot. And you inspire these in me so I thought it’s only fair to share the result with the muse. If it’s terrible, though, feel free to just toss this--” --he wiggles the journal he has the poem jotted in near his face-- “--Right into the sea.”

She tries to laugh, but the flustery, butterflies-in-her-tummy feeling overwhelms her instead, making the laugh come out more theatric and bouncy than she intended. She puts a hand over her mouth as Rydal smirks, flicking open the journal.

“That was cute,” he mumbles, though it’s seemingly more to himself than anyone else.

He clears his throat, nervous, flashes a little smile at her, then reads, still carrying his pace as he holds her hand and follows the shoreline.

“I have walked old hallowed halls 

And seen all the faces of the gods

Yet still there is no goddess 

Whose visage comes to me 

In dreams, in waking, in my desires

The way yours does.

How you envelop me, my love, as the sea

Pulls away the pearl

And carries it to shore.”

He then tucks the journal away in his pocket, and with the same hand, pulls a delicate gold chain out of the same pocket. A single, misshapen, natural pearl glimmers at the end of the chain, and he smiles as his beloved gasps. He detangles their hands and lifts it up to clasp around her neck. 

It rests so lovely against her breastbone, glinting in the sun, and Rydal passes a finger over its ridged yet smooth surface, admiring the pastel rainbow that shimmers around its edges.

“Do you like it?,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the tip of her smile.

“I love it. I love you, Rydal.”

“I love you, pretty girl,” says Rydal as he takes her hand again, pecking her knuckles and drawing his lips across her skin. “The prettiest goddess on Olympus.”

2. Mikael Boghosian.

Mikael has never really celebrated Valentine’s Day. Armenia has something similar-- Saint Sarkis's Feast Day-- but it’s not as commercial or romantic. Still, he wants to make an attempt, at least, for his beloved, to try and do Valentine-y things for her, even if he doesn’t quite understand what all is going on with it.

Mikael’s never, ever one to spend willy-nilly, so he wouldn’t end up buying anything fancy; no jewelry, no chocolates, nothing like that. But he does go somewhere there are flowers and pick a large handful, and if he thinks the bundle insufficient, will make a quick jog to the local florist cart and haggle with the seller until he’s been able to get a small bouquet of roses and daisies for a fraction of the price.

He comes home with the little paper-wrapped bouquet and goes to find his wife; his darling is sitting at her desk at the window, writing and flipping through books for citations. He smiles to himself, delighted by how even on a day supposed to be all about the frivolities of romance, she is still so grounded in her work. She’s like him; dedicated, focused, hard-working. He loves her for it.

She hears Mikael’s little puff of a happy sigh and turns around, giving him a big smile, and he crosses the room to place the flowers on the desk and rub her shoulders as she sits, kissing her temple.

“A happiest Saint Valentine’s Day to you, dear,” he mumbles into her hair, leaning down to kiss the high point of her cheekbone. “These are for you.”

“They’re wonderful! Oh, I’ll go get some water--”

“Allow me,” Mikael interjects. 

He steps away to fetch the one vase they have in the small apartment, filling it with water from the tap as he hums a little tune to himself. As he’s humming, he hears the door open and his wife approached from behind, looping her arms around his midriff and swaying with him as he places the bouquet into the water.

“I got you something too, Mikael,” she murmurs. “Here.”

She passes him a little card, trimmed with paper lace. He giggles; it reads “WE’RE MEANT TO BEE” on the cover and shows two bees rubbing cheeks. He opens it and inside is a note from her.

“To My Husband;

You’re sweeter than honey and make me feel like a queen! Thank you for bee-ing my joy!”

“It’s not much,” laughs his wife as she nuzzles into his neck, “But I hope you like it.”

“It’s adorable,” Mikael says, turning to kiss her. “So are you, my angel!”

They sway and hug in their kitchen, Mikael burrowing into her hair and taking a comforting breath, his wife pressing a soft kiss to the side of his neck. He feels like he could get used to holidays like these. 

3. Abel Morales.

(I know I already wrote about Abel today but, uh, it’s my Valentine’s and I Am The Boss... so more Abel.)

Abel is the only one in this list who can afford a lavish Valentine’s day for his wife, and lavish it is. He’s a spoiler-- something about the ability to give his little darling anything her pretty little heart desires makes him feel strong and capable and successful-- so he’ll go out of his way to do too much.

Boxes of gourmet chocolates, dozens of roses and lilies in ornate vases, necklaces and bracelets and rings all fitted to her sizes exactly, a new dress that he wants her to wear on their date to the very upscale restaurant he snagged a highly sought-after reservation to, and, well, new frilly, silky underthings, too. Many of those in discreet little packages placed on the bed for her to admire and choose as she wishes. 

Abel wants his wife to feel secure and cared for, pampered by him, like she doesn’t have to worry about a thing. He wants to alleviate that stress for her, and wants her to rely on him because it helps him feel like he has a purpose.

Ergo, he’s a spoiler.

So his wife wakes up to him kissing her, playing with her hair and smiling down at her with those soft, sleepy, heavy-lidded eyes, his hand coasting up and down her belly.

“Morning, princess,” he purrs, kissing her jaw. “Ready for your big day?”

“You always make such a fuss, every single year,” his wife laughs back, rubbing his neck and chin. “Don’t you ever want to be the one getting pampered?”

“You take care of me on my birthday,” Abel offers. “And Christmas. And Father’s Day!”

“But you do so much more for me, it’s not fair!”

Abel chuckles, shaking his head and petting her cheek.

“Are you complaining about me loving you too well?”

“No, never, sweetheart, it’s just--”

“I know,” he whispers, “I know. You’re a good woman. You want to take care of me like I take care of you.”

She nods, looking up into his warm brown eyes, watching them shimmer with hints of yellow and hazel in the morning light. He always looks so soft in the mornings, his hair un-coiffed and his skin slightly hot from the stirring awake. He seems to glow golden, his tan skin radiating. Abel was always handsome, and age has not tarnished his looks.

“I want to make you happy, too,” she whines. “You deserve it.”

“You already make me plenty happy.” Abel kisses her forehead, rubbing a circle into her belly as he lets some of his weight rest on her, comfortably pressing her into their big, cushiony bed. “And it makes me happy to fuss over you.”

“Are you sure?”

“If there’s one thing you should know about me, mi amada, it’s that I never do something unless I want to.” He pushes his nose against hers, bumping foreheads. “I choose this because it makes me happy. You make me happy.”

“...I love you, Abel.”

“I know. I love you, too. Now, come on,” he grunts, pulling her up from the pillows and into his arms, scooting towards the edge of the sprawling bed, “Let’s get ready. There’s so many things I want to show you!”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

ANNIHILATION

Even with minimal expectations, I was pretty surprised by how much I disliked ANNIHILATION. For a movie whose grim, haughty tone suggests content of Profound Importance, ala INTERSTELLAR or THE ARRIVAL, ANNIHILATION seems to have very little on its mind. Natalie Portman plays an ex-military scientist who is compelled to join a group of other female professionals on an exploratory mission into an area of alien dangers known as the Shimmer. Portman's black ops beau Oscar Isaac is languishing in quarantine after a disastrous foray into this constantly morphing patch of earth, so it's up to her to find out what happened to his team, and what is the true nature of this rift in reality.

If "The Shimmer" sounds suspiciously like something from She-Ra or My Little Pony to you, then you already have a pretty good idea of how ANNIHILATION might make you feel. At the risk of sounding like a complete traitor to my people, I felt chafed by the forced femininity of this movie. The principle cast is conspicuously composed only of Strong Female Characters, but writer-director Alex Garland couldn't be bothered to also make them interesting. Each is practically anonymous in her cliche tomboy brains and brawn--in one humiliating scene, the fatigue-clad women giggle together about how smart they all are, in a "You're the smartest! No, YOU ARE!" fashion. This wouldn't bother me so much if ANNIHILATION were a Michael Bay type of boneheaded romp, but the movie feels too pompous and statement-oriented to justify the emptiness of its heroes. Portman is separated from the herd only by the details of her biography, which are also insufficiently compelling. It seems like her hot'n'horny marriage to Oscar Isaac is supposed provide the movie's main source of urgency, but their scenes scarcely have any more soul than your average teen sex comedy. My feelings of being pandered to were definitely not assuaged by an embarrassing exchange in which Portman chastises her husband for thinking she does nothing but pine for him all day--a clunky piece of writing that surely exists just to remind slower viewers that girls are people, too. While I am definitely the kind of person who is on a relentless hunt for the next Ellen Ripley, I didn't find anyone remotely so inspiring here.

But, back to the issue of the Shimmer, now with the helpful use of ALIEN as a basis of comparison. When Ripley enters the rabbit hole of an infested ship or planet, she finds herself in a subterranean world that is slick, curvaceous and gory, forming a particularly feminine hellscape. HR Geiger's designs perfectly compliment the themes of the story--that is, the assertion of female power and autonomy, versus the occupation of female bodies by involuntary pregnancy, and also by corporate interests. In ANNIHILATION, our heroines are pitted against a world that looks pretty much like a cutesy hanging terrarium full of pink and turquoise succulents and polished gems, the kind that's overtaking Etsy and hipster homeware shops everywhere. Pastel lichens creep across a landscape punctuated by glistening crystal towers, and populated by delicate deer with glorious sprays of flowers sprouting from their antlers. The only conflict in Alex Garland's mind seems to be, "What if something were beautiful *and* deadly at the same exact time? JUST LIKE OUR COURAGEOUS HEROINES!"

What remains to be told is, just what IS the nature of the Shimmer? Well, that's kind of up to like, your opinion, man. Essentially it's a mashup world in which, say, deer and trees, and alligators and crocodiles, and people and bears are shoved together into exciting new forms. Except it also maybe makes exact clones of existing singular things. And also maybe it, like, disintegrates a singular thing into a million subdividing blobs of light that probably meld with the universe or something. There's a story in here somewhere about how human nature is based on autonomy and individuality, and is therefore antithetical to merging with a whole. There are suggestions, here and there, that it would be interesting to view the Shimmer as a healthily developing organism in its own right, whose success just happens to be deleterious to Earth's flora and fauna as they have existed historically. However, you really need to do a lot of personal projection, if you want to get anything this rich out of ANNIHILATION. The destruction of life as we know it has never been so meaningless.

Although it is surely not intentional, there is one way in which ANNIHILATION challenges me. Watching it, I find myself in the disgusting position of red pillers who complain about "virtue signaling". I just can't shake the feeling that these one-dimensional alpha females only exist for the male writer-director to congratulate himself on his progressiveness. (Or perhaps to counterbalance his openly creepy, testosterone-fueled sexbot drama EX MACHINA) But then I have to ask myself, don't I *want* more women in action movies and science-fiction--even bad movies? Isn't the whole idea just for me to see myself represented more commonly, as if it were the most natural thing in the world? Surely I don't think these kinds of characters should be allowed to exist *only* when they are perfectly rendered, and their stories perfectly told. That way lies stagnation and obscurity, for the whole business of all of us, collectively, working toward better media. So I guess if I'm going to support the production of more and more female-fronted movies, then I'm going to have to suffer the occasional condescension of male creators who don't seem to know what they're talking about...yet. They could, in time.