Twilight Clown Takes—Part 4

What is it about YouTube and its breeding ground for Twilight clownery???? Some of it is very basic clownery, too. Also, the fake outrage on behalf of the Quileutes by engaging in racist interpretations of the text is…something else. Regardless, there I came upon the feast, and so I shall eat.

“The Wolves Are Savage” and Other Racisms

What.

You mean those same books that described the vampires in the same way as beasts, who not only growl and roar and snarl, but literally cannot smell blood without going literally crazy like sharks? The same books that described vampires as almost entirely solitary creatures who don’t usually form covens (because then they would turn against each other in competition for their human prey? The same books that had nothing but evil red-eyed vampires (James, Victoria, the Volturi) until the very last book of the series where we are introduced to sympathetic non-vegetarian vampires (Garrett, the Amazonians, etc.)?

Meanwhile the werewolves keep their reason and intelligence intact while they’re in their wolf forms and do not suffer from bloodlust. Their dangerousness comes from their youth and inexperience in shifting—the oldest of the pack is Sam at 18 and he was literally the first and only one to do it without help.

The books adore the Cullens. But it makes it damn clear that they (and the Denalis) are the exceptions that prove the rule. Otherwise Twilight vampires are sociopathic beasts and, as Edward explicitly said in book one, the Quileutes are right to keep their distance. And no, this wasn’t by accident or ~bad writing. Meyer is deliberate in her framing, as well as her characterization of the wolves.

Tfw your accusation of racism is racist

Bella asked Jacob if he could stop being a werewolf because she mistakenly thought him and his wolf buddies were literally killing people. When she learned otherwise, she was literally, “Oh, no, Jake, I’m fine with you turning into a giant wolf. That doesn’t bother me at all.” (This is near VERBATIM, not even joking). Bella is a monsterfucker, after all. She’s just not into that kind of bestiality.

Tfw your accusation of racism is racist

Yes, because imprinting is something the wolves 100% have control over and it’s something they can reject. There is nothing random about imprinting at all.

Otherwise—once again—the wolves have vastly more control over their wolf forms than the vampires over their thirst (the Cullens and Denalis excepted). And of course, their body counts are close to zero—compare them to the Cullens and Denalis. Only Sam has injured another human and that was by accident. Even the hothead Paul has no kills or injuries, whereas his counterpart Emmett has at least three.

MORMONISM OMG

Because Mormonism is the only religion that values and reveres close family ties. Only Mormonism supports the patriarchal family and believes in the organization of society through the familial unit. Only Mormonism is heteronormative and actively homophobic. No other culture or religion gives a fuck.

(Also, the Prodigal Son??? Literally the most common and basic Biblical allusion ever. Literally every major writer has alluded to it, including Shakespeare. It is not just a Mormon thing, oh God 😭😭😭😭😭😭 This kind of clownery eats itself).

Bella Hate Dumb Round ♾️

Bella turned down Mike and told him explicitly that it would hurt Jessica’s feelings if she went with him to the dance. She did go to La Push with him and her friends and was happy that it was “so easy” to please Mike. She rescued Angela from having to answer Jessica’s annoying questions about Eric by changing the subject. She helped Angela and Jessica find dresses and explicitly enjoyed their girls’ night out in Port Angeles. She had zero opinion on Lauren until she overheard her shit talking Bella (literally) behind her back. She listened to Jessica’s date with Mike and was glad it went all right.

Bella being mean to her friends is clownery so easily debunked—at worst, she is not particularly close to any of them except Angela. If she was reserved or distant with them, it was because she hates any and all attention to herself, period. It was her first day at a new school where everyone knew each other, and was already overwhelmed with introductions and learning her schedule and teachers’s and classmates’s names. The behavior Edward notices in Midnight Sun does not go against her character in Twilight at all and is a continuation of this self-abnegating tendency.

Edward literally went to Italy to get himself killed by the vampire elite and explicitly said that he could not live in a world where Bella did not exist. Before that, he basically admitted that when he wasn’t hunting Victoria he curled up into a ball and let the despair take him. Meanwhile Bella did not consider suicide (though ~just barely) because of Charlie and Renée. After her one week coma period she did make an effort at keeping up appearances, which included getting all A’s even in her weakest subject, Calculus.

It’s disgusting, all right: A male character who cannot live without his woman. What kind of a message is that sending to our poor impressionable boys???!!!!!

Didn’t Edward literally stop murdering child molesters and pedophiles because his conscience got to him that it was, indeed, still murder? And didn’t at least one clown still complain about how Mormon it was of him to care for human life? Now the clowns insist Edward doesn’t care about humans and humanity at all.

Even if Edward did care only about Carlisle’s disappointment, it wasn’t because he considers himself his perfect son. If anything Edward suffers from the same kind of self-esteem issues as Bella—in New Moon, he flatly denies Aro’s praise/assertion that his self-control puts Carlisle to shame. Edward thinks of Carlisle because he loves Carlisle like a father and thinks the world of him. He did save him from permanent death, after all.

Planning for a Post-Local-Pack Possibility

Local SEOs are accustomed to continuous change in the SERPs, but if S.2992, the American Innovation Online Choice Act, becomes law and prevents monopolies like Google from preferencing their own assets, we need to prepare for what could be the largest search overhaul we’ve ever seen. 

This could be bigger than the day we saw 7-packs become 3-packs. It could be bigger than any of the major updates like Possum or Vicinity. We’re talking about major potential change and new opportunity for local businesses. Just how big might it be? That’s exactly what we’ll be looking at today!

Stats and tests

Per Moz’s most recent study by Dr. Peter J. Meyers, when we ran 1,000 search phrases through MozCast, half or which were localized to particular cities, 33% percent of our queries returned a local pack like this one in the SERPs:

If S.2992 should become law, industry experts observe that local packs would likely be one of the widgets Google would be obliged to stop preferencing in their results. And, in April of this year, marketers began spotting a test of a very different layout that could signal what local SERPs might look like, post-S.2992. 

I haven’t been able to replicate the test myself, but Mike Blumenthal of Near Media kindly granted permission for me to share this screenshot from his excellent piece, A Look at Google’s Local Results without ‘Self-Preferencing’:

Instead of three local results grouped into a pack, this test shows a new widget we’re currently terming a “local card”, interleaved within the organic results. As Mike explains, when you click on the card, you’re taken straight to the Google Business Profile instead of to the long-established local finder. But perhaps of even more importance, the organic link to the website is now fully prominent, instead of totally absent as in some packs, or grey and easily-overlooked, as in the Google Business Profile. 

Rand Fishkin predicts that billions of clicks that were absorbed by Google’s widgets would become up-for-grabs by organic and paid advertisers. It’s this possible reality that’s really gotten me thinking about how local businesses could respond to what could be a tremendous opportunity.

Taking website inspiration from Google’s local playbook

Google takes a lot from businesses. They take business data and make money from aggregating and displaying it in their local packs, finders, and maps. They take publishers’ content — which is the result of innumerable hours of paid work by human beings — and republish it in zero-click SERPs. Most SEOs learn to work within this system, this “partnership” in which we try not to be overly stressed so long as Google’s operations don’t hinder conversions. In other words, we resolve not to worry whether a sale results from a click on a Google Business Profile or the Contact Us page of a website, so long as transactions keep rolling in.

However, at the same time, there has been an ongoing saga of industry complaints that Google throws its weight around too much without any consultation with the business owners and publishers on whose livelihoods its profits are based. Of late, there has been particular distaste over Google using search as a political tool to protect itself from anti-trust actions like S.2992, threatening SMBs with negative outcomes if Google’s monopoly is regulated. Depending on your perspective, it might feel like Google takes it upon themselves to build a business model on your identity and content, doesn’t offer adequate support when things invariably go wrong with how they represent you, and then insults your intelligence with see-through scare tactics. It’s really no wonder when business owners and marketers grumble.

However you feel about this scenario, though, there is one thing that every local SEO knows by heart: local SERPs exist in a state of constant experimental change geared to maximize public engagement with them for Google’s benefit. They have the data and the engineers to discover exactly what works and what doesn’t. Think of this as a gift to us that we might take in return for all we’ve given, because Google’s SERPs are actually telling us what we should be doing with our websites if local packs go away, local cards take their place, and tons of clicks end up back on our websites instead of the Google Business Profile.

Check out this quick mockup I did of a GBP-inspired website homepage and see how many of the elements you can spot that correspond directly with fields you’ve come to know so well on your Google listing:

Most important elements

Did you notice how my mockup emphasizes location and contact data, photos, and reviews? I believe that the ongoing iterations of Google’s packs and profiles indicate that these are the three listing elements that matter most to the public when choosing a local business. If more clicks should start going to the website, companies should organize the homepage so that visitors can instantly find the NAP, hours of operation (including whether the business is open right now plus its most and least popular time slots), see tons of relevant photos, and both read and leave reviews. You’ll notice I’ve also included some basic sentiment analysis of the reviews à la Google Place Topics.

Action-oriented elements

This mockup emphasizes all of the actions a visitor might be used to taking via Google Business Profiles. In addition to things like getting directions and interacting with reviews, the homepage should quickly facilitate whichever activities are most relevant to the model and customers, such as calling or texting the company, booking an appointment, asking questions, and, of course, shopping. If there is any actionable field on your GBP that you believe is connecting customers to the business, feature it or link to it on the homepage. This is basic website design of course, but think again about how Google organizes such features in their profiles to test what you should be emphasizing on sites.

Informational elements

Your website’s textual image and video-based content take the place of Google posts, business descriptions, categories, Q&A, and other informational media. Meanwhile, you can boost trust signals for Google’s quality raters and the public by displaying awards, accreditations, and associations. It’s great to think that, with a website, you have all the space you need to showcase a local brand’s community involvement, B2B relationships, customer-centric guarantees, environmental initiatives, and human rights policies. So, while you’re taking cues from GBPs on how to provide a ton of info at a glance for quick decision making, the joy of websites is that they support the architecture for telling a deeper story about why a business is truly the best bet in town for specific needs.

Your choice on UGC

Since the advent of Google Maps, Google has taken an open-source approach to local business data. Anyone, including bad actors, can suggest edits to your core business data, upload photos, leave reviews, and write questions and answers on your GBP. With your own website, the choice is yours on how much space you want to give to user generated content.

I’ve long been an advocate for featuring customers’ words and stories as central to business identity, and I would recommend that marketers and owners carefully plan how to present content like reviews, photos, and videos. There could be a temptation to show only flattering UGC, but be advised that activities like review gating can lead to litigation, and that businesses will already be facing something of a struggle in getting the public to trust website-based review content as much as they might trust the same content on a third-party platform. In seeking to emulate the successful layout of GBPs, do take your community into account, but also, take a breather knowing that S.2992 would return to local business owners some of the reputation and marketing control that they’ve lost to Google over the past 20 years.

Summing up, should the American Innovation Online Choice Act become law, sending more traffic directly to websites, owners and marketers should have a plan in place to revamp website homepages so that they are as informative and actionable as Google Business Profiles. In the case of multi-location brands, you may need to bring a GBP mindset to landing pages rather than homepages. Why not spend some time this week making a more beautiful and useful mockup than mine for some of the businesses you market? Maybe yours will feature bulleted list attributes, or key product and service menus, or direct message/live chat capabilities.

Would local cards and a less dominant Google be good for local businesses and marketers?

Image credit: Jo Zimny

To be honest, you’ll have to come up with your own answer to this question based on your philosophy and hands-on experience, should Google become the subject of increased regulation. For my part as a big supporter of localism, I observe that monopolies have an unsustainable negative effect on human happiness and the planet, on innovation and diversification, on commerce and culture. I am personally in favor of very strong antitrust measures and believe they will deliver amazing benefits to independently-owned businesses, the communities they serve, and the environment on which we depend for life.

But as to how something like the local cards might impact us, I think it’s important to note that the test that’s been spotted is unlikely to be the ultimate format we’d see in the SERPs. I’ve seen several peers asserting that they feel the layout is a bit messy, and it would certainly cause some temporary confusion for Internet searchers who have gotten used to former displays. But, time and again, we’ve all adjusted to SERP modifications, and we would simply do so once more. For local search marketers, regulation would signal that it’s time to double down on your organic SEO skills if what emerges is an increased emphasis on organic SERPs.

For owners, customers will still find you, and the great thing would be that more of them would likely be spending more of their time at your house instead of at Google’s. The role of host, then, will be more on your shoulders. It will be your patio, your deck chairs, your BBQ pit, and ramada that welcome and shelter people. And, after all, that’s what you went into business to do: to take care of your own customers. You’ve spent years learning to do that, so don’t worry - with some fine tuning of your website to make it as good as and better than a Google Business Profile, you’ve got some good times ahead!

Planning for a Post-Local-Pack Possibility

Local SEOs are accustomed to continuous change in the SERPs, but if S.2992, the American Innovation Online Choice Act, becomes law and prevents monopolies like Google from preferencing their own assets, we need to prepare for what could be the largest search overhaul we’ve ever seen. 

This could be bigger than the day we saw 7-packs become 3-packs. It could be bigger than any of the major updates like Possum or Vicinity. We’re talking about major potential change and new opportunity for local businesses. Just how big might it be? That’s exactly what we’ll be looking at today!

Stats and tests

Per Moz’s most recent study by Dr. Peter J. Meyers, when we ran 1,000 search phrases through MozCast, half or which were localized to particular cities, 33% percent of our queries returned a local pack like this one in the SERPs:

If S.2992 should become law, industry experts observe that local packs would likely be one of the widgets Google would be obliged to stop preferencing in their results. And, in April of this year, marketers began spotting a test of a very different layout that could signal what local SERPs might look like, post-S.2992. 

I haven’t been able to replicate the test myself, but Mike Blumenthal of Near Media kindly granted permission for me to share this screenshot from his excellent piece, A Look at Google’s Local Results without ‘Self-Preferencing’:

Instead of three local results grouped into a pack, this test shows a new widget we’re currently terming a “local card”, interleaved within the organic results. As Mike explains, when you click on the card, you’re taken straight to the Google Business Profile instead of to the long-established local finder. But perhaps of even more importance, the organic link to the website is now fully prominent, instead of totally absent as in some packs, or grey and easily-overlooked, as in the Google Business Profile. 

Rand Fishkin predicts that billions of clicks that were absorbed by Google’s widgets would become up-for-grabs by organic and paid advertisers. It’s this possible reality that’s really gotten me thinking about how local businesses could respond to what could be a tremendous opportunity.

Taking website inspiration from Google’s local playbook

Google takes a lot from businesses. They take business data and make money from aggregating and displaying it in their local packs, finders, and maps. They take publishers’ content — which is the result of innumerable hours of paid work by human beings — and republish it in zero-click SERPs. Most SEOs learn to work within this system, this “partnership” in which we try not to be overly stressed so long as Google’s operations don’t hinder conversions. In other words, we resolve not to worry whether a sale results from a click on a Google Business Profile or the Contact Us page of a website, so long as transactions keep rolling in.

However, at the same time, there has been an ongoing saga of industry complaints that Google throws its weight around too much without any consultation with the business owners and publishers on whose livelihoods its profits are based. Of late, there has been particular distaste over Google using search as a political tool to protect itself from anti-trust actions like S.2992, threatening SMBs with negative outcomes if Google’s monopoly is regulated. Depending on your perspective, it might feel like Google takes it upon themselves to build a business model on your identity and content, doesn’t offer adequate support when things invariably go wrong with how they represent you, and then insults your intelligence with see-through scare tactics. It’s really no wonder when business owners and marketers grumble.

However you feel about this scenario, though, there is one thing that every local SEO knows by heart: local SERPs exist in a state of constant experimental change geared to maximize public engagement with them for Google’s benefit. They have the data and the engineers to discover exactly what works and what doesn’t. Think of this as a gift to us that we might take in return for all we’ve given, because Google’s SERPs are actually telling us what we should be doing with our websites if local packs go away, local cards take their place, and tons of clicks end up back on our websites instead of the Google Business Profile.

Check out this quick mockup I did of a GBP-inspired website homepage and see how many of the elements you can spot that correspond directly with fields you’ve come to know so well on your Google listing:

Most important elements

Did you notice how my mockup emphasizes location and contact data, photos, and reviews? I believe that the ongoing iterations of Google’s packs and profiles indicate that these are the three listing elements that matter most to the public when choosing a local business. If more clicks should start going to the website, companies should organize the homepage so that visitors can instantly find the NAP, hours of operation (including whether the business is open right now plus its most and least popular time slots), see tons of relevant photos, and both read and leave reviews. You’ll notice I’ve also included some basic sentiment analysis of the reviews à la Google Place Topics.

Action-oriented elements

This mockup emphasizes all of the actions a visitor might be used to taking via Google Business Profiles. In addition to things like getting directions and interacting with reviews, the homepage should quickly facilitate whichever activities are most relevant to the model and customers, such as calling or texting the company, booking an appointment, asking questions, and, of course, shopping. If there is any actionable field on your GBP that you believe is connecting customers to the business, feature it or link to it on the homepage. This is basic website design of course, but think again about how Google organizes such features in their profiles to test what you should be emphasizing on sites.

Informational elements

Your website’s textual image and video-based content take the place of Google posts, business descriptions, categories, Q&A, and other informational media. Meanwhile, you can boost trust signals for Google’s quality raters and the public by displaying awards, accreditations, and associations. It’s great to think that, with a website, you have all the space you need to showcase a local brand’s community involvement, B2B relationships, customer-centric guarantees, environmental initiatives, and human rights policies. So, while you’re taking cues from GBPs on how to provide a ton of info at a glance for quick decision making, the joy of websites is that they support the architecture for telling a deeper story about why a business is truly the best bet in town for specific needs.

Your choice on UGC

Since the advent of Google Maps, Google has taken an open-source approach to local business data. Anyone, including bad actors, can suggest edits to your core business data, upload photos, leave reviews, and write questions and answers on your GBP. With your own website, the choice is yours on how much space you want to give to user generated content.

I’ve long been an advocate for featuring customers’ words and stories as central to business identity, and I would recommend that marketers and owners carefully plan how to present content like reviews, photos, and videos. There could be a temptation to show only flattering UGC, but be advised that activities like review gating can lead to litigation, and that businesses will already be facing something of a struggle in getting the public to trust website-based review content as much as they might trust the same content on a third-party platform. In seeking to emulate the successful layout of GBPs, do take your community into account, but also, take a breather knowing that S.2992 would return to local business owners some of the reputation and marketing control that they’ve lost to Google over the past 20 years.

Summing up, should the American Innovation Online Choice Act become law, sending more traffic directly to websites, owners and marketers should have a plan in place to revamp website homepages so that they are as informative and actionable as Google Business Profiles. In the case of multi-location brands, you may need to bring a GBP mindset to landing pages rather than homepages. Why not spend some time this week making a more beautiful and useful mockup than mine for some of the businesses you market? Maybe yours will feature bulleted list attributes, or key product and service menus, or direct message/live chat capabilities.

Would local cards and a less dominant Google be good for local businesses and marketers?

Image credit: Jo Zimny

To be honest, you’ll have to come up with your own answer to this question based on your philosophy and hands-on experience, should Google become the subject of increased regulation. For my part as a big supporter of localism, I observe that monopolies have an unsustainable negative effect on human happiness and the planet, on innovation and diversification, on commerce and culture. I am personally in favor of very strong antitrust measures and believe they will deliver amazing benefits to independently-owned businesses, the communities they serve, and the environment on which we depend for life.

But as to how something like the local cards might impact us, I think it’s important to note that the test that’s been spotted is unlikely to be the ultimate format we’d see in the SERPs. I’ve seen several peers asserting that they feel the layout is a bit messy, and it would certainly cause some temporary confusion for Internet searchers who have gotten used to former displays. But, time and again, we’ve all adjusted to SERP modifications, and we would simply do so once more. For local search marketers, regulation would signal that it’s time to double down on your organic SEO skills if what emerges is an increased emphasis on organic SERPs.

For owners, customers will still find you, and the great thing would be that more of them would likely be spending more of their time at your house instead of at Google’s. The role of host, then, will be more on your shoulders. It will be your patio, your deck chairs, your BBQ pit, and ramada that welcome and shelter people. And, after all, that’s what you went into business to do: to take care of your own customers. You’ve spent years learning to do that, so don’t worry - with some fine tuning of your website to make it as good as and better than a Google Business Profile, you’ve got some good times ahead!

Twilight Reread, Part Two: It’s Still Just Chapter One and I Think Bella Has a Persecution Complex, Among Other Problems

I’ve had this half-written in my drafts for weeks and keep getting lost trying to cram all my observations into a cohesive form, so obviously the solution is to just put things in numbered, vaguely-themed chunks and hope that it fools people.

1. Props to Meyer: Bella Is Not a Vessel

People talk a lot about wanting “flawed” protagonists in stories, especially flawed women, but I don’t believe them -- if that were true, Bella Swan would be Exhibit A. It seems to me that when people say they want to read about a flawed woman, they mean “flawed in this highly specific way I approve of” -- e.g., a wronged and angry woman bent on revenge, or a woman whose flaw is that she isn’t feminine and like...says “fuck” or something. They want to see attitude, biting wit, and ideally for the heroine to kick at least one (1) ass. Bella Swan doesn’t really fit the bill; she’s very feminine, surly but not in the way that comes out as snappy sarcasm, and she doesn’t kick a single ass even when she becomes a vampire. She’s extraordinarily flawed, but not in a way that’s satisfying to vicariously experience. So she’s dismissed as boring, or worse, a void for the reader to inhabit so they can experience romance with perfect, sparkly Edward Cullen. I consider this is a fundamental misreading; I think Meyer did a fantastic job of making Bella a nuanced, interesting person.

Interesting, but not necessarily likeable. But not liking her doesn’t mean that Bella is a poorly-drawn character. She’s very much an individual, and in fact her lack of relatability is why she grated on my nerves so severely as the series progressed. Not just anyone would think and behave the way Bella does, but to Meyer’s credit, Bella’s questionable decisions are driven by and stem from a consistent worldview and inner logic. That’s an achievement -- Bella’s personality doesn’t shift around so that she’ll act in the way that best suits the plot, but rather reacts to situations according to who she already is.

In just the first eleven pages of the book, we get a strong sense of Bella’s personality and how she’s been shaped by her particular background and dynamic with her mother. Bella clearly views herself as the practical, responsible adult to Renee’s whimsical child, and it’s given her a skewed view of her emotional maturity. It’s why she’s so susceptible to Edward’s surface charms, and it also explains a lot of her, frankly, melodramatic narration throughout the rest of the first chapter.

2. Fear and Loathing in Forks

Bella’s already made up her mind that Forks sucks, everything about it’s depressing and it’s too green and she’s going to hate it there. That fits with her overall characterization -- Bella is stubborn, and once she makes up her mind about something it’s very hard to change it. So it makes sense that she’d think about her approaching first day of school with a kind of fatalism. You know, “I bet my locker won’t open, and I won’t know where to sit at lunch so I’ll be standing there holding my tray like a goon, and everyone will be staring at me thinking I’m a loser,” etc.

Except she goes well beyond ordinary pessimism. She kills any fleeting sense of happiness about her truck with the comment that “[her] horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful.” [8]. That’s...kind of extreme. Later, while she’s mournfully staring at herself in the bathroom mirror, conveniently cataloguing her appearance for the reader while she thinks about how everything’s terrible, Bella’s narration suggests that she isn’t just afraid of not fitting in, but of being actively ostracized. It’s bizarre.

I’ll break down her thought process in excruciating detail. First, she’s worried about being an obvious outsider: “All the kids here had grown up together -- their grandparents had been toddlers together. I would be the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak.” [9-10]. On the surface, this isn’t too odd; naturally she worries that the social groups in Forks are already set in stone, and there won’t be any place for her (except Bella also never expresses a desire to make friends, just to avoid scrutiny). There’s some judgment toward the small town, too, in that “girl from the big city” line -- like these people can’t possibly relate to someone from the sprawling metropolis of Phoenix, because I guess in her mind no one in Forks has ever gone on vacation. But that last bit? She’ll probably be a curiosity, sure, but a freak?

She admits that she “[doesn’t] relate well to people [her] age,” or “relate well to people, period.” [10]. Again, we’re still in the realm of normalcy, until Bella escalates again: “Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things...that the rest of the world was seeing.... Maybe there was a glitch in my brain.” [11]. Bella never adequately explains, here or later, what it is that she supposedly sees differently, or where the disconnect is between her viewpoint and others’. Even as a reader, it’s difficult to infer; my best takeaway is that it’s not really a problem of relating to others that Bella has, but a general lack of any interest in other people (besides the Cullens, but that’s for later). It’s certainly unusual that Bella has no interest in making friends, and that she’s so sure she’ll be this reviled outcast even though she never even hints at being bullied in the past -- she’s just a wallflower.

Bella also has a skewed perception of her physical appearance; she considers herself very strange for being a pale, slender brunette, claiming that “physically, [she’d] never fit in anywhere.” [10]. Which...well, from the outside, this is fucking laughable. But for the sake of argument, let’s say that Bella has internalized a particular idea of what constitutes “normal,” informed by the blonde, tanned athlete that apparently every other girl in Phoenix embodies. Bella obviously doesn’t fit this mold, but considering how worried she is about standing out, wouldn’t it be worse if she did? If she were a tanned volleyball player with a blonde ponytail, she’d stick out like a sore thumb in Forks. Instead, though, she’s worried that not fitting her classmate’s expectations of what a Phoenix girl will look like will be yet another black mark on her social record. She’s really set this up so that she’ll be unhappy either way.

Overall, to Bella, the cause of whatever is so off-putting about her isn’t important: “All that mattered was the effect. And tomorrow would be just the beginning.” [11]. This is so ominous, for no apparent reason! The next day, she’s practically hyperventilating in the parking lot as she drags herself to her first class. [15].

My god. What is Bella so afraid of? Maybe this is just the product of general social anxiety, but I think a large part of it is that she imagines this cloud of stigma around her based on her parents’ divorce, and particularly her mother’s reputation in town. In the front office, she reflects that “[she] was expected, a topic of gossip no doubt. Daughter of the Chief’s flighty ex-wife, come home at last.” [13]. Implicit here is her assumption that everyone in town has a disdainful impression of Renee -- that they’ve all taken Charlie’s “side” in the divorce and are still thinking about it seventeen years later. Charlie’s own stagnation probably contributes to this impression; when Bella was sitting at the kitchen table earlier, she noted that Charlie hasn’t changed a thing in the house since Renee lived there, and that “it was impossible, being in this house, not to realize that Charlie had never gotten over [Renee].” [11-12].

So maybe Bella thinks that Renee’s supposed bad reputation in town has tainted her by association. After all, Bella’s stayed away from Forks all this time, too. This plus her (very believably teenage) tendency to over-dramatize results in Bella feeling like she’s under a negative spotlight as soon as she goes out in public. I like this interpretation because it’s consistent with the other ways her parents’ divorce has shaped her personality -- in my last post I went into detail about how it’s bred this resentment toward Forks and Charlie, and now it also contributes to Bella’s feelings of being an unwelcome intruder.

3. Fuck Me, I Still Haven’t Gotten Past Page 15

Okay, I’m at like 1,400 words and Bella hasn’t even made it to class yet, but I’m not splitting up this post or I’ll never escape this single chapter. Fuck.

4. Bella Is Kind of a Dick

For all that I appreciate how much there is to see in Bella when you look under the hood, she’s...really not a nice person. I can write off her grumbling early on in the chapter, when she dismisses Billy Black (along with the majority of the time she’s spent in Forks) as one of those “painful, unnecessary things” she’s so good at blocking from her memory, as sounding worse than it actually is. [6]. As a general rule, Bella’s not malicious, she just doesn’t care. Plus, that conversation with Charlie was already fraught, so she wasn’t in the most charitable mindset.

She seriously turns up the judgmental energy once she gets to school, though, and starts directing it not just at the town in general, but particular people. For all that she was expecting, and dreading, being shunned, Bella’s no happier when her classmates make friendly overtures instead. She’s consistently dismissive and critical of pretty much everyone she speaks to: Eric is “a boy with skin problems and hair black as an oil slick,” and Bella immediately pegs him as the “overly helpful type” for...talking to her [16]; she describes Jessica’s conversation as “prattling” and “[doesn’t] try to keep up” [17]; she smirks at the idea of Edward rejecting Jessica -- who has been nothing but pleasant to Bella so far -- and has to bite her lip to hide it [22]; in the next chapter she describes Mike’s lab partner as a girl with “braces and a bad perm and compares Mike himself to a “golden retriever” -- and then, hilariously, notes that she’s “never been enormously tactful.” [31]. Yeah, no shit??

In contrast to her opinion of the general “gawking” horde (she uses that word three times in seven pages), Bella’s descriptions of the Cullens glow with praise -- they strike her as odd, but Bella’s neutral-to-positive in her narration. The section where she first sees them was actually the least interesting part of the chapter to me on the reread, notable only because it highlights another unsavory aspect of Bella’s personality: she’s shallow, in that she’s far more forgiving of beautiful people than she is of the ordinary, pimpled rabble. For instance, when Edward keeps looking at her, Bella says he’s “still staring, but not gawking like the other students” [22]. Sure, Bella. She also, again hilariously, sniffs at Jessica’s reaction to the apparent incest-fest going on at the Cullen table, calling it “the shock and condemnation of the small town” before grudgingly admitting to herself that siblings fucking would be weird in Phoenix, too. [20-21].

A theme that recurs throughout this  chapter, and the series in general, is Bella’s desire to rise above the ordinary; her reaction to the Cullens is just the first seed. She’s so taken in by Edward’s beauty, in fact, that she dwells on his handsomeness and pleasant voice even as he’s glaring at her and giving off what should be obvious serial-killer vibes.

5. Bella Is Shocked -- Shocked! -- When She Gets the Unfriendly Reaction She’s Been Expecting This Whole Time

And this is the last thing that really stood out to me on the reread: all the time that Edward is staring her down in Biology, ripping chunks out of the desk to keep from killing everyone in the room and probably drooling a little, Bella's main takeaway is, “How rude!” rather than “Holy shit this guy wants to eat my face.” When she first notices him glaring at her, she calls it “the strangest expression...hostile, furious.” [23]. She’s “shocked” and “bewildered,” but not actually frightened -- right now she’s a little busy sniffing her hair and telling us that she uses strawberry-scented shampoo [23]. She’s oblivious to the murderous intent radiating off of Edward (and to be fair, murderous intent is not what you expect from an unfriendly lab partner), instead continuing to describe him as simply “strange” for never relaxing his posture or the hand he’s clenched into a fist. Even though she spent a lot of time expecting to be shunned (see above), now that it’s happening, she’s surprised and even tries to reassure herself -- “It couldn’t have anything to do with me. He didn’t know me from Eve.” [24]. Later, when Edward is trying to switch classes, she adds, “It was impossible that this stranger could take such a sudden, intense dislike to me.” [27]. But like...wasn’t that exactly what she thought would happen, with everybody? All I can reason is that Bella was settling into the pattern of being welcomed, only to be jarred when someone finally was unpleasant.

And I’m not saying that Bella actually has great self-esteem, but it’s also not completely in the toilet at the start of the series. I just want to note that, before she gets all caught up in Edward, she does have moments where she doesn’t blame herself for everything. It’s only once Bella starts judging herself against a vampire standard of physical perfection that she starts self-flagellating for things like [checks notes] “having blood.”

Anyway. Bella continues to be more startled by than afraid of Edward throughout Biology, and when class ends and he rushes out, she’s angry: “He was so mean. It wasn’t fair.” [25].

Interestingly, when Mike approaches her in the aftermath, Bella is much more receptive to him than she’s been of anyone else so far. She describes him as “cute,” “baby-faced,” and having a friendly smile -- suddenly she appreciates being acknowledged by a classmate, one who happens to be good-looking. Tellingly, she smiles back and describes his talkativeness as him being a “chatterer” (rather than “prattling” like Jessica), and doesn’t mind that he’s “clearly admiring,” although the flattery isn’t “enough to ease [her] irritation” at Edward’s unfriendliness. [25-26].

However tempting it is to blast Bella for being shallow, especially after sitting through all her critical narration so far, ultimately this reads to me like she needed some reassurance after a weird social encounter, not just that she’s more tolerant of attractive people. (Although she is more tolerant of attractive people. But then again, so are most humans, so it’s not just her.) 

When Bella encounters Edward again in the front office, she finally experiences “a thrill of genuine fear,” which again is quickly overshadowed by offense. Also, this sentence: “But Edward Cullen’s back stiffened, and he turned slowly to glare at me -- his face was absurdly handsome -- with piercing, hate-filled eyes.” She follows that up by saying his voice is “like velvet.” [27]. GIRL!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!

And so, finally, the first chapter ends with Bella fighting angry tears the whole drive home. Honestly, I'm not sure what she wants from her classmates, other than for them not to particularly notice her. Things don’t get any friendlier on her end even as she’s drawn into Jessica and Mike’s social circle -- Bella’s just along for the ride, because by the end of the first day she’s already thoroughly preoccupied with Edward. And preoccupied she will remain.

hi! I absolutely love all your twilight metas! something I'm curious about: what do you think about jacob and his relationship to bella?

There’s this post addressing mostly Jacob. For this post I’ll be getting more into Jacob/Bella.

I don’t think they’re in love.

On Jacob’s end, Bella is at first a girl he’s lowkey crushing on. She’s a girl, she’s pretty, and she’s fun to talk to. He gets butterflies around her, as most teenaged boys would. 

Then we get to New Moon, and Bella is a depressed damsel who comes to rely on Jacob. That by itself makes them more than friends, they’re something more intimate than that. More, they hang out every single day, and again I have to point out that Jake is male and Bella is an attractive female.

So, you have a beautiful damsel that Jacob hangs out with all the time, and that crush was pretty serious. However, while this was definitely the precursor to love, I hesitate to call it actual love because that’s a deeper and more serious thing that they quite frankly didn’t really have the time develop.

According to the timeline on the Twilight wiki, it was on January 17th that Bella came to Jake with the motorcycles, and at some point in February that he phased, with Laurent’s death happening that same month. Now, I don’t entirely trust this timeline when it comes to pre-series events, but the events of New Moon are so tightly packed that even if these dates are wrong, Bella’s zombie pages of months passing and St. Marcus’ Day being celebrated on the 19th of March (in real life it’s the 25th of April) narrows the time span down considerably. Jake and Bella had a hard maximum of six weeks to hang around as humans before he phased, though most likely less.

My point with all this being that I never got the feeling Jake’s feelings for Bella were particularly serious. They didn’t get the chance to be.

As for Bella, she’s trying to claw her way out of a crippling depression, romance really is the last thing on her mind. Jacob became very important to her, but that’s not the same as romantic love.

We then get to Jake phasing. He finds out that all the stories about terrifying, blood-drinking demons that his father told him were real, that they’d been in his neighboring town preying on Bella, and that she was under their thumb. More importantly, Jacob hates being a werewolf with every fibre of his being, and it’s not something he can in any way escape. His father, his friends, his community, his very own blood, it’s all entangled with his new and unwanted identity. Bella, as a white girl from the neighboring town who comes to talk about garages, is a reprieve from all of that. We see it in his “I don’t want to disappear” speech: he latches on to Bella and allows her to become the only good thing in his life. His sun, if you will.

Then we get to Eclipse, the Cullens are back, and Bella is right back in their claws. This by itself is terrible news on every level, as Jacob has competition, his girl is consorting with his ancestral enemy, the time they spent together is invalidated as Bella instantly forgives Edward for the hell he put her through, and overnight Jake loses this person he has allowed himself to depend on. 

These things are a very bad mix.

Bella then casually drops the “oh and they’re turning me into a soulless demon in a few months!”

For reference, these excerpts are from “Being Jacob Black”, a sixteen-page rant Meyer released, written entirely in second person (yes, I died inside). It contains these very telling observations on how Jake sees vampires:

“The little vampire seems very upset, and this surprises you. You hadn’t realized they had much in the way of emotions. You’re revolted and amazed at how comfortable Bella and Alice seem to be touching each other. You would have thought the vampire would not be able to touch humans that way without hurting them. And Bella is so at ease with Alice - able to interact with her like Alice is human. Bella seems to see her that way - like a person, almost.”

(...)

“It’s actually easier to speak with her than you would have thought - she reacts and speaks like a human, though her appearance is frighteningly alien. To your sharp eyes, she’s like a moving crystal, all angles and shine.”

(Let’s just take a moment to appreciate how incredibly gay that first paragraph is. So Alice is touching Bella that way, alright.)

Jacob doesn’t see Alice as human, or anything resembling it. As far as he’s concerned, she’s a humanoid demon. He’s surprised she has emotional range and capable of conversation.

With this in mind, when Bella informs him she wants to become like Alice it’s dire news. Bella’s not just becoming a monster, she’s becoming something that can barely be considered alive. And he knew it would come to this, but she’s planning to do it in just a few weeks. I’d bring out the book quote from when Bella tells him, but I don’t have it at hand at the second, and I remember it well enough - Jacob thought he had more time, and gets so angry he nearly phases.

Shit is now real.

Jake has to get the girl, or she’ll be cursed forever and he’ll have lost this girl who is his light in life.

This is where his age comes in.

He casts himself in the light of the underdog. It’s not quite a storybook, except it kind of is - Bella is with someone who is as bad for her as he could possibly be, and this guy is going to destroy her. Enter Jake, the underdog prince who’ll save her. He’ll succeed because he has to, the world would be too cruel otherwise. Of course the underdog gets the girl!

More, he fully believes that he will, because he fully believes he’s the one Bella really loves. She just doesn’t know it, but they’re in love. How could they not be?

There’s also the fact that Jacob is watching this girl he grew up with, who is so incredibly important to him, important to his father as well, throw her life away to become a demon, and the only way he knows to stop her, the only argument he can come up with, is love. It’s very melodramatic, very teenage-y, and ultimately insufficient.

Because while Bella loves him on a platonic level, and finds him attractive (though she doesn’t seem attracted to him, and that there is a difference), she never comes to love him romantically. He manages to convince her that she does, but I never see anything beyond deep feelings of friendship. She never longs to kiss his lips, never admires his beauty, never blushes because he touched her. Her response to him is consistently platonic.

And so Jacob fights a battle he was never going to win.

The Dusk Calls for me: Jasper Hale x My OC Fleur Swan, Chapter 7

AUTHORS NOTES: None of the characters in Twilight belong to me. All rights go to Stephenie Meyer.

“I'm afraid to go outside So many people rule my mind, I Can't escape, where is the line? Chained ourselves to overdrive.”

NICE OUT: By Kilo Kish

I didn’t know where I was again, It seemed I was observing a man sitting in a speedboat with his headphones on. I couldn’t see him clearly enough to a identify him at first. I then saw that man again, with the long blonde hair this time, he wasn’t wearing a shirt. I didn’t see the second man though I wondered where he was and why was I with this person again. My “body” began to move toward the man against my own will. I finally noticed it was Waylon but instead of terror, I was filled with thirst and eagerness. Waylon seemed to of heard a deep growl coming out of “my” throat and took his headphones off.

“Hello?” 

My figure zoomed past his line of sight, he stood up quickly, stumbling a few feet to the front of the boat.

“Gerald? Gerald?”

When he didn’t get a reply, he got too unsettled and started the motor to the boat. Before he could take off though “I” stopped the boat from moving forward. He looked back in shock at me before greeting me.

“Hello” He stuttered.

The man with the long blonde hair then jumped down.

“Nice Jacket.” He said in a sinister tone.

“Who are you?”

“I” started to move closer to him, like an animal after it’s prey.

“It’s always the same, inane questions. Who are you?” 

“What do you want?” I said in a completely different voice.

“Why are you doing this?”

Finally the other man that I had seen zipped down from his hiding place, he looked quite bored.

“James, let’s not play with our food.”

As soon as he said that I kicked Waylon to the floor of the boat before pouncing on him.

I finally woke up shooting up from Jasper's chest panting again holding in a scream. I was even more freaked out than the previous dream I had before. This was someone I knew, someone I had fond childhood memories with. Why was I dreaming about killing him?

“What happened? Are you okay? What’s wrong!?” I heard Jasper ask his voice laced with concern.

Tears filled my eyes before spilling down my cheeks, I couldn’t talk it was as if I was paralyzed in fear. He pulled me in, hugging me and rubbing my back.

“I-I had a terrifying nightmare. I felt so real Jazz... I...” I couldn’t even finish my sentence. He hushed me just holding me and trying to comfort me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“No, not right now.”

We sat in silence for a bit and I surveyed my surroundings. The weather report had lied, it was as cloudy as ever looks like Jasper and everyone else could go on that field trip after all. Our silence was then interrupted. 

“I’m sorry to leave you like this but, I have to go. Your sister is about to come up.” He said in a hushed voice he kissed me before leaving through the window. My door was opened a minute later Bella had entered the room.

“Hey, did you plan on... are you okay Fleur, you look terrified?” Bella asked.

“Yeah I’m fine, I just had a nightmare... I knew I shouldn’t of watched those horror movies last night.” I lied.

“That sucks...I was just coming up here to ask if you planned on going to the Greenhouse today. You still haven’t gotten your slip signed.” She said.

“Oh yeah, I completely forgot, could you bring my slip down to dad? I have to get dressed real quick.”

“Sure no problem.”

I slowly raised myself up from my bed, the grogginess of last night sleep still lingered on me. A black t-shirt and blue jeans would have to do today. I grabbed a red sweater since I knew it would be freezing today. I grabbed my boots and rushed down the stairs trying not to trip.

“You always were the one to wait til the last minute for things to get signed weren't’ you?” Dad asked playfully.

“You should know me by now dad my motto is “Better late than never.” I replied.

“Well you two better hurry up in eat or you won’t have enough time to like last time. I have to get going early so I’ll see you girls later on today” Dad said.

“Okay, love you dad.” I said.

“Love you dad, be safe.”

Bella  and I both ended up eating a fruit salad finishing around the same time. We both head towards her truck since I left it at school yesterday.

“I cannot wait to get my car back! I miss my baby.” I said.

“You love that car way too much you know.” Bella interjected.

“I may love it too much but, it’s still my baby.”

She shook her head while chuckling. The rest of the car ride was mostly quite, but the radio was on. I was surprised it worked, her truck was from the 50′s... We pulled up to the school and I got out of the truck, looking for Jasper right away. Bella seeing this nudge my shoulder before telling me to go after him. I hugged her and thanked her for the ride to school before jogging my way toward him.

“Hey darlin, seems your doin better this mornin aren’t you?” He asked.

“Yeah, I feel a lot better, thanks for earlier.” 

“No problem love.” He said before attacking my face with kisses. I giggled before playfully pushing him back. I then turned my head to see Edward glaring at Bella and Mike. He seemed jealous and was intently listening in on there conversation. Bella and Mike had a quick exchange by the end of it, Edward was smirking before making his way onto the bus. I followed in with Jasper after him.

The greenhouse was nice, the different plants was very interesting to me. Jasper and I stopped by a bundle of Yellow Iris’s, my favorite flower. I looked up from the flowers to see Bella and Edward talking.

“What do you think he’s saying to her?” I asked Jasper.

“Probably something stupid.” He replied jokingly.

I sighed... “Just like Edward... to go and something stupid.” 

“Yep, pretty much, Darlin.”

Suddenly it seemed the conversation went south, Bella’s face furrowed in anger and then tripped over he own to feet. Edward didn’t look very happy either after catching her and maintained a scowled on his face. Bella stormed off tired of whatever he was saying.

“Did we jinx it? It seems he actually did say something stupid.” I said.

“I think we did love, Edward’s people skills are extemely rusty.” 

“Yeah, they definitely are.”

As we made our through the greenhouse, Edward started to follow Bella out of the building. They stopped in front of the bus we were riding in.

“Hey, are you going to join us?” Alice asked.

“Yeah I think we have some room for one more.” Dean said.

“NO, this one’s full.” Edward said curtly before banging on the school bus door. As soon as it opened he stormed inside, Alice and Dean following quickly behind. Jasper and I ended up at the front of the bus.

“I’ll see you at home.” I said.

“Yeah see you later.” Bella replied.”

When we arrived back in the parking lot I made my way to my car. I bid Jasper a goodbye before driving home quickly, I wanted to know how Bella was doing. When I entered the the kitchen Bella and stormed out of the kitchen, I could tell she wanted to be alone so I didn’t bother her. The next school day was pretty uneventful until lunch, Bella had asked me if I wanted to go with her, Angela, Ben, Eric, Tyler, and Mike to La Push beach. I accepted the invitation, it had been a while since I had visited around that area. When Bella went off to get her lunch I decided to tell Jasper where I was going. He was always reluctant for me to go down to La Push for some reason. He never really told me, I understood. I had a feeling it was just a secret he couldn’t tell and I completely understood that, I was in the same situation after all. I wasn’t going to pressure him into telling me anything he didn’t want to. I approached the table, the other Cullens were happy to see me.

“Hey Jazz, you’re going to have to come a bit later tonight, I’m going down to La Push with Bella and her friends.” I said.

I could tell he was uncomfortable with that idea but, he knew how stubborn I was. If I was going to go somewhere, no one was going to get me to change my mind.

“Just be careful, Fleur. It’s a bit dangerous down there.” I heard Rosalie say.

“Don’t make Dean and I come down there and beat someone up Short-stack.” Emmett said while cracking his knuckles.

Alice had nodded in agreement with Emmett.

“Okay, darlin, be safe.” Jasper added.

“I will, you know since I’m here I should probably tell you... Bella’s getting suspicious about you guys. She hasn’t outright said anything about you guys being a vampire but... she might find out soon.” I explained.

Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper all looked uncomfortably at each other. Alice on the other hand, didn’t seem phased at all.

“Thank you for warning us Fleur, we’ll try to be a bit more careful with what we do.” Rosalie said.

“If she finds anything at La Push, I’ll let you guys know.”

“Thank you.” Rosalie said.

The school day came and went quickly and soon enough I was driving my way to La Push. This was going to be one interesting visit.

Welcome to the second instalment of Arden ranking media she consumed in 2021 for the amusement of like, three people and her dog! And the dog just likes the treats he gets for sitting with me while I type. Regardless, I’m taking this opportunity to share my favourite shows I watched in 2021. I’d like to reiterate that my favourite television of the year didn’t necessarily have to come out this year, I just had to watch it for the first time this year. I will also note that my rule for adding a season to this list was ‘watched more than half of it and am continuing with it’, because my ability to watch TV is as erratic as my taste is strange. Drumroll please…

1. Succession (seasons 1 and 2) The only reason that season three of Succession didn’t make it here is because I haven’t seen it yet. This is one of the best-written shows I have seen in my life, which says something about the kind of shows I usually go for or how good it is. Despite a disappointing pilot, this show’s characters are fleshed out through their relationships with each other in a truly compelling manner. Without undermining the complexity of the characters by making the surface level observation that they are all terrible people, I will say that I find Succession’s narrative ability to create emotional investment in some of the most unlikeable characters ever incredible. It tells a well-paced and executed story of corporate corruption and cycles of abuse; engaging, entertaining, and thought-provoking in equal measure. I’m excited to get to the third season of this show and see where it goes in the future.

2. Veep (seasons 1 through 4) The beautiful thing about Veep is that the first four seasons are nearly perfect from front to back. They pitch the perfect combination of dynamic characters, talented actors, great jokes, and intelligent political satire. (I am not strong enough to discuss how bad the last three seasons are again. Please respect my privacy at this time.) Watching Julia Louis-Dreyfus nail it as the horrible but strangely endearing Selina Meyer was an absolute delight, and I was impressed by how well her support staff played off each other and helped push the plot forward. Another highlight of Veep is the fact that it actually has season-long arcs for both plot and characters, something I’ve noticed as lacking in sitcoms of recent years. The point is that all my knowledge of American politics had to go somewhere, and there’s no better use of it than enjoying a show as fantastic as this one.

3. Doctor Who Look, I couldn’t make this list without including the show that had a vice grip on my brain for several months. I don’t know how to denote my favourite seasons without making the admission that even the disaster that is season 7 is still television I would happily rewatch, but such is life when you are in love with sci-fi about love. Doctor Who brought me an incredible amount of comfort during one of the hardest points of the year, and for that I can forgive any technical flaws. (Steven Moffat is crawling out of hiding right now, but I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did to Amy Pond. However, the fact that I love Amy so much is a lot of what makes this show a top five placement for me, so there’s that.) Despite the cultural perception of it and the haphazard nature of some of its writing, I find Doctor Who to be a truly great show that means a lot to me.

4. 30 Rock (seasons 1 through 7) This is quite possibly the most ridiculous sitcom of all time. It is packed with jokes that would appeal to a five-year-old, your rebellious teenage cousin, an elderly farmer who’s never seen a city before, and someone who has the exact cultural knowledge and references of Tina Fey. There is no world in which the combination of those types of humour should work, but we are lucky enough to live in the one where it does. I do not know how to describe the appeal of 30 Rock. I just know that Liz Lemon is a fantastic protagonist who has a brilliant relationship with her boss (it propels the show, it’s exactly the friendship I’ve got with my closest male friend) and pretty much every episode makes me laugh from start to finish. This is a show of successful writing—and it even has an emotionally satisfying series finale.

5. Hacks (season 1) Me watching something that aired in 2021? Inconceivable! But I’m so glad that I decided to take the plunge and watch Hacks. It’s a genuinely hilarious show that features well-written characters and revolves around relationships between women. It was a breath of fresh air to see a show that was designed and oriented around women, where passing the Bechdel Test doesn’t even register because there are no men half as interesting as the women on screen. I can’t wait to see where such a talented group of writers will go with season two, and how Ava’s relationship with Deborah will develop on screen. There is no praise I can provide that’s effusive enough: if you take anything away from this writeup, please give this show a shot.

Honourable Mentions: Ted Lasso (season 1), Gilmore Girls (season 1), Better Call Saul (season 1), Selfie (season 1), The Great (season 1)

TOP 20 SONGS OF 2020

20. “BELOW THE CLAVICLE”- EARTHEATER

“The meaning hasn’t come up yet. It’s still under the surface below the clavicle.”

It isn’t just Alexandra Drewchin’s ear splitting soprano when she hits that impossibly high B, practically shrieking out the “cle” syllable of clavicle, though that’s undoubtedly when I first knew that Eartheater’s avant folk was for me- it’s also the cinematic, lush strings, both bowed and plucked (is that acoustic guitar or harp? I genuinely can’t tell), deepening and complicating the sonic texture of Drewchin’s study of parsing through emotions you aren’t ready to make sense of yet. 

19. “PUSSY TALK”- CITY GIRLS, FT. DOJA CAT

“This pussy so ghetto, this pussy speak ebonics”

“WAP”’s funnier, classless Irish twin, though it’s important to note “Pussy Talk” came first. Yung Miami and JT enlist Doja Cat to expound on everything their pussies deserve and will absolutely settle for nothing less than. And why should they when they’re spitting out verses this inspiredly hilarious with such confidence and flow? 

18. “LICK IN HEAVEN”- JESSY LANZA

“Once I’m spinning, I can’t stop spinning...”

Jessy Lanza is talking about losing your cool, letting your emotions get the best of you and lashing out instead of letting cooler heads prevail, but when that earworm of a chorus hits- “once I’m spinning, I can’t stop spinning” - I can’t stop spinning. I’m that woman on the single art, a wine mom lost in the delirium of the dance floor and in Lanza’s hypnotic, fragmented rhythms.  

17. “GASLIGHTER”- THE CHICKS

“Boy, you know exactly what you did on my boat!”

“Gaslighter” finds Natalie Ames and her Chicks at their most simultaneously ruthless and ebullient, ripping Ames’s ex-husband Adrian Pasdar a new asshole and ratcheting up the righteous anger of “Goodbye Earl” tenfold, channeling it into a glorious wall of sound in what might be their most rousing, emotionally resonant chorus in their storied career. 

16. “HANNAH SUN”- LOMELDA

“Hannah do no harm...”

While “Hannah Sun” begins as an exquisitely observed rumination on grappling with long-distance, pining for someone who’s a continent away, it gradually becomes clear that Hannah Read blames herself for putting the distance between her and the subject of her longing, and that the distance isn’t strictly literal. Skittering synths (or is that distorted flute?) complicate and enrich the texture of the song, allowing it to build organically and stunningly towards a heartbreaking plea to herself- “Hannah, do no harm.”

15. “FIRE”- WAXAHATCHEE

“And when I turn back around will you drain me back out? Will you let me believe that I broke through?”

When I’d drive back and forth between Dallas and Austin over and over again when I was in college, I’d often get off I-35 past Waco and take the back roads through towns I’d never heard of, the sun setting spectacularly behind the titular hills of Hill Country that were beginning to roll out in earnest. I think about that a lot when listening to “Fire,” a song dripping in rural Americana that was, unsurprisingly, inspired by a road trip. We’ve probably all been Katie Crutchfield as she crossed the bridge into West Memphis- alone in the car, awed by the simple beauty of the American countryside, making speeches to ourselves about our past mistakes and figuring out a way forward. 

14. “3AM”- HAIM

“On the screen and in my jeans, just make me feel good.”

On an album full of genre departures and decidedly darker themes than we’ve typically heard from Haim in their near decade of syncopated bubblegum pop rock, “3AM” stands out not only as their most effective stab at pastiche, slipping into the trappings of contemporary R&B with shocking ease and gusto, but also as their most unabashedly fun track in their entire oeuvre. “I think you can hear the amount of joy and laughs we had making this song” Alana Haim tells Apple Music, and you absolutely can.

13. “QADIR”- NICK HAKIM

“We’re sinking down a hole without thinking about our loved ones who might be shrinking...”

I often wonder if I’m putting enough effort into maintaining my relationships with friends I don’t see regularly, who live several time zones away, living their own lives while I live mine. When the thought of sustaining simple correspondence becomes overwhelming, it’s easy for months to go by before you realize you haven’t spoken to one of your closest friends. “QADIR” plays less like a eulogy for a friend gone too soon (though of course it is that) than a plea to the listener to put in the work. It’s worth it. You never know when it’ll be too late.

12. “LEVITATING”- DUA LIPA

“Glitter in the sky, glitter in our eyes shining just the way we are.”

Just a few bars of that delightfully bouncy, extra-terrestrial beat is enough to launch me into space. It’s so refreshing to hear a song that remembers that pop is supposed to be joyful and is best when it’s a bit silly. When discussing this track with Apple Music, Dua Lipa cites Austin Powers as inspiration, elaborating that “if I do a video for this, Mike Meyers has to be in it.” Can’t you just see them together, performing a farcical pas de deux of seduction like the spiritual successor to “Beautiful Stranger?”

11. “RIQUIQUI”- ARCA

“Love in the face of fear! Fear in the face of God!”

Arca’s made a career of harnessing chaos and somehow making sense of it. On an album that finds her embracing more traditional, accessible song structures, “Riquiqui” is a reminder that even when working within an AB structure, she’s still breaking rules left and right and having a blast doing it. She’s also never sounded so ferociously empowered in either her femininity or in her Venezuelan identity, rattling off local colloquialisms with affection and verve without a second thought as to who’s going to understand it. 

10. “FANTASY”- AGAINST ALL LOGIC

“I think about you all the time...”

Or, the musical embodiment of this gif:

When Nicolas Jaar’s tormented synths and crunching beats give way to Beyoncé’s unmistakable alto, it is indeed quite the shock. But should it be? Even if 2017-2019 finds him ditching the dancefloor in favor of more severe, unforgiving soundscapes, his already varied career has shown us nothing’s off limits to him. So why not reinvent Beyoncé’s iconic “Baby Boy” into an industrial, vaguely sinister certified bop that arguably surpasses the original?

9. “PEOPLE, I’VE BEEN SAD”- CHRISTINE AND THE QUEENS

“If you disappear, then I’m disappearing, too.”

“People, I’ve been sad” plays out with the vulnerability and intimacy of a tumblr text post you put out in the middle of the night, only to hastily delete later when it gets no notes. It forgoes flowery language in favor of just getting to the point. “I’ve been sad.” Héloïse Adelaïde Letissier blows up this deceptively simple sentiment with richly layered textures and a big screen gloss not to offer any remedies but instead to offer solidarity. We’re all in this hell together.

8. “DESCRIBE”- PERFUME GENIUS

“Can you just find him for me?”

Mike Hadreas has never sounded so hopeless. Utilizing harsh, rattling guitar that would make Kevin Shields swoon, he conveys the experience of being so estranged from happiness and joy that you need to rely on others to describe the sensation to you. But how, when exploring darker textures than he ever has before, does he make despondency sound so divine? 

7. “4 AMERICAN DOLLARS”- U.S. GIRLS

“No matter how much you get to have, you will still die and that’s the only thing.”

Meg Remy picks up where she left off on “4 American Dollars,” reviving the subversive pastiche she mastered on In a Poem Unlimited, this time harnessing the power of funk to dismantle the fallacies we’re taught about the virtues of capitalism. Heavy stuff, but Remy makes it less didactic than joyous, ensuring the listener will be singing “I don’t believe in pennies and nickels and dimes and dollars and pesos and pounds and rupees and yen and rubles” until they start to wonder if maybe they shouldn’t, either. 

6. “STUPID LOVE”- LADY GAGA

“I freak out, I freak out, I freak out, I freak out!”

Due to a healthy spirit of contrarianism mixed with a touch of internalized homophobia and genuine bafflement at her universal appeal and praise, I was a proud Lady Gaga hater for as long as she’d been a cultural entity. I just didn’t get her at all and loved that about myself. Annoying, I know. 2020 was the year I was finally ready to let that all go. Just before the world fell apart in March, I was out at Flaming Saddles (RIP) with friends the night this song came out and by the sixteenth time it played, I understood why it was inducing such hysteria. This was a cultural shift. After a frustrating near-decade of Gaga subverting expectations so thoroughly that she was actively working against her strengths and sabotaging her cultural ubiquity in the process, coupled with the most frightening era of political upheaval in our lifetimes, she was finally ready to save us and be Lady Gaga again. Booming synth, drag sensibilities, absurd thematic conceits- all was right in the world. For the first time in a long time, people had something to be hopeful about, and as I danced that night, I felt that hope, too. 

5. “SHELLFISH MADEMOISELLE”- RÓISÍN MURPHY

“How dare you sentence me to a lifetime without dancing?”

As soon as that bass starts (the funkiest bassline in the history of music?) it’s like Róisín Murphy’s snake charming oboe, coaxing even the most stalwart curmudgeon onto the dancefloor and keeping them there, dancing frantically and involuntarily like the citizens of Strasbourg in 1518, trying their best to keep up with Murphy who isn’t even breaking a sweat, commanding the masses with a sultry remove, beckoning you closer, pulling you inexorably deeper into the mass of gyrating bodies and whispering in your ear “come and have a dance with yer mum.”

4. “PARTY 4 U”- CHARLI XCX

“I only threw this party for you...”

As PC Music / Bubblegum Bass / whatever you want to call it enters its second decade, Charli XCX proves not only that there’s still new textures to explore within it, but also that no one can exploit its artifice to get down to emotional truths like she can. How can she make something this slick sound so vulnerable? “I only threw this party for you” she croons over and over again over glorious syncopated synths that build exquisitely, reaching their climax only to immediately fall away, until it’s just her and her trusty autotune, pleading with the subject of the song to just come to the damn party. But they won’t, of course. They never do, do they?

3. “WAP”- CARDI B, FT. MEGAN THEE STALLION

“I want you to touch that lil’ dangly thing that swing in the back of my throat!”

Sometimes you just immediately know you’re living through a significant cultural moment. No, not COVID. I’m talking about the experience of hearing Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s instant classic “WAP” for the first time, a titanic meeting of the minds that finds both of them at the apex of their cultural influence and at their most undeniable. Can the argument be made that these two aren’t the two best rappers in the game right now? How could you hear this inspiredly filthy sex positive juggernaut, where Cardi and Megan are trading the sickest verses of their careers, and not think these two deserve the world? 

2. “KEROSENE!”- YVES TUMOR

“I can be your baby in real life, sugar. I can live in your dreams.”

If the 2010′s were all about the pop-ification of all music, trading in live instrumentation in favor of polished synths, 2020 forcefully announced the return of the electric guitar when Yves Tumor and Diana Gordon’s back and forth lustfully submissive declarations of desire suddenly gave way to that nasty guitar rip lifted from Uriah Heep’s “Weep in Silence” to announce yet another cultural shift in a year chock full of them- rock and roll was, indeed, here to stay. 

1. “I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME”- FIONA APPLE

“I move with the trees in the breeze, I know that time is elastic.”

We live and we learn. Years spent soul searching and on self-discovery shape us into better, smarter people, progressively knowing and understanding ourselves and the world around us more and more clearly, but Fiona Apple knows that none of that can quell the ferocious desire to be loved by someone. By anyone. By you, whoever that is. We can know that time is elastic and that when we’re gone all our particles will disband and disperse and then we’ll be back in the pulse, and we can know that none of this stuff actually matters, but still- we want, we want, we want. 

Brain chemistry is messing with me... got me in the bad feels looking at dark roads... So let’s try and drag ourselves out of it through hyperfixation!  It’s time to rant about Agent 47′s brain chemistry-- specifically all the serums and antidotes that artificially change it! (It’s a rant... I won’t take up space on your dashboard scroll if you don’t want to see it, but if you do, please check out under the cut.  Spoilers for the comics and Hitman Season 2-3 are unmarked...)

The focus of the rant is thus: “Exactly what did Ether’s antidote do?” ‘That’s easy, MT,’ I hear you tell me, ‘It brought back 47′s memories that were wiped by Ort-Meyer before he escaped the lab.’ Forgive me, strawman Reader, (but as always, thank you for your faithful engagement) but I don’t think it’s that simple...  Maybe because I overthink things, or maybe because the details aren’t adding up... Let’s discuss. In the cutscene in HITMAN 2 (Hitman Season 2) ‘Long Shot’, Olivia and Lucas provide a syringe from Ether Biotech Corporation.  According to their information, Ort-Meyer’s estate and his research were granted to the corporation (through Providence) after his passing.  The syringe is supposed to be an antidote to what Ort-Meyer used to wipe 47′s memory.  Using the syringe, 47 is able to remember Janus, the first Constant of Providence, so they can go get his info on the Partners... and kill him. ‘Yes, MT,’ you say, ‘so it’s easy.  The answer is right there.’ Well, please bear with me... In the next cutscene ‘Gifts and Curses’, our leading ladies Diana and Olivia are doing the real work (tracking Janus’s coffin) while our lads are being moody.  Lucas asks 47 if he’s all right and 47 says, “It comes back in flashes.  Fear.  Anger.  But like it happened to someone else.” Later, in ‘Precautions’, Lucas and Diana talk about how Lucas has feelings about the things he’s done, and 47 does not-- a parallel is drawn between these feelings and “having a conscience”. In ‘The Ark Society’ mission, on the Isle of Sgàil, as you’re marching Arthur Edwards, the Constant you are abducting, to the harbor, he’ll fish around for information by giving some of his own.  For the purposes of my rant, there is an exchange I want to focus on: Edwards: “...Your murdered him [Janus] to get to me.” 47: “Not just that.  He had it coming.” Edwards: “Interesting.  It was my impression that you were cured of such... sentiment.  The ‘good doctor’ built his serum specifically to target the seats of your emotions.  Has Miss Burnwood’s sense of justice rubbed off on you, I wonder?” This is where I feel the need to stop and point out that there are TWO DIFFERENT SERUMS at play here, that were forced on 47 at TWO DIFFERENT TIMES in his forgotten past.  This is shown in the comic series. SERUM #1) This serum was given in 1989, after 47 and 6 failed to take over the Institute.  47 sacrificed himself so 6 could escape (though he was presumed dead) and instead of being killed like he expected, due to pressure from Janus (who spoke as Constant for the Partners of Providence) Ort-Meyer instead used a serum to stifle his and the remaining clones’ emotions.  This one was an injection to the neck (like the antidote).  Here are his exact words: “I gave you something most people lack: a true purpose.  And you cast it aside.  For some misguided dream of freedom.  Why?” “It’s that storm inside you.  All those feelings I fought so hard to lock away.  Raging, driving you.  So now I must wipe them out entirely.  A small chemical insult designed to target the amygdala, the hypothalamus, the cingulate gyrus.  The seats of emotion.  I’ve just sawed the legs off them.  Do you understand, 47?” “Your memories remain intact.  But now they’re a series of events with no significance.” The effects of this serum were devastating.  With the singular exception of 47, every other clone more or less lost the will to live.  They died of starvation, dehydration, infected bed sores... losing any and all motivation for anything.  Meanwhile, 47 became an apex predator of murder, stating that the opportunity to complete the assassinations handed down by Providence through Ort-Meyer were the reason he went through each day.  He had a hand in the deaths of a good number of clones, either via poisoning or smothering. SERUM #2) This serum was given in 1998 (that’s nine years after the first one) after Providence demands Ort-Meyer give them 47 as the only success of his very expensive perceived failure.  Ort-Meyer gives this serum, without the permission of Providence, very specifically so that 47 will not remember him to assassinate him.  This serum is given orally, and through a hose and pump apparatus.  Here are his exact words: “I only need one more day, and a moment alone.” (This is included strictly to point out that 47 must have escaped that exact same day) “I raised you as my own.  Taught you everything you needed to thrive in this fallen world.  And now I have to take it all away.  You would come after me.  It’s the only way I can be free from having to watch over my shoulder for the rest of my life.  It feels like drowning at first.  Don’t struggle.  I’m going to make you perfect.  Now you have all the potential in the world.” 47 wakes up later to the voice of Ort-Meyer over the intercom.  He implicitly trusts the voice, as he knows nothing else.  He knows about the existence of nothing outside of the room and the voice.  He starts making associations as he goes on, and points out that he understands how some things work (”The mechanics of breathing, the science that makes remotely operated restraints possible.”) and the justifications behind their existence (”Somewhere deep down, I even understand the need for them.”).  As he makes his escape, he observes that their is familiarity in the sensations of killing.  Out in the world, he continues killing on his own for about a year, claiming that his work is his only indulgence and that he doesn’t need things, friends, or stories.  He does also claim to have a few stray memories that haunt him-- elicit emotional responses in him (which we also see in Absolution with the whole “doctors” flashbacks). Edwards should not know about the mind-wiping, and his dialogue does not betray that he does.  Lucas apparently knows about both, but I’m going to attribute this to “Lucas became personally invested in learning what happened to 47 specifically after learning he was alive and working for ICA, so put the pieces together once he stole the data from Providence” because he wasn’t around for either serum.  Meanwhile, Edwards doesn’t have many reasons to worry about 47 until he starts trying to use his past as a lure for Diana.  Because his angle is to eventually reveal that it was 47 (AND 6... they were on the job together, per the comics) who killed her parents, and the fact that that juicy reveal would hurt that much more if he could reveal it as something 47 knowingly hid from her... I don’t think he’d go out of his way to discredit Janus’s reporting on the situation that only the first serum was given, and something else happened that allowed 47 to escape into the wild.  Janus is apparently Edwards’s beloved mentor, after all. ‘MT,’ I hear you say, ‘You’re rambling.  What’s the point here?’ The point is that 47, a man who does not mince words, makes the observation, when asked, that he remembers fear and anger.  These are the things that stand out to him in his memories.  The emotions.  This is in violation of the first serum’s properties as well as the second. Now, why is this happening?  Perhaps the first serum has an effective lifespan, and perhaps it’s wearing off.  Perhaps 47′s human (arguably superhuman, per some sources) brain is adapting to make necessary associations despite the “chemical insult”. Or... was this antidote supposed to also be an antidote for the first serum?  It is noteworthy that 47 starts behaving in ways that suggest more emotionally-driven motivations after the antidote is given-- at least it seems that way to me.  This seems especially the case at the very end of HITMAN 3 (Season 3), ‘Untouchable’, when 47 is confronted with his guilt, with his feelings about what he perceives Diana’s thoughts and feelings to be, and with his choice in the end concerning Edwards in the final confrontation.  No matter what he chooses, he owns his choice and all the baggage and consequences that come with it.  At the very end, in the cutscene 'New Deal', he tells Diana that he isn’t ‘Agent 47′ anymore.  That he chooses this path because he can. Perhaps I’m very much misunderstanding the themes, here, but 47 not remembering his past never struck me as something that held him back from choosing something else.  It has always been his inability to connect with others in any way outside of infiltrating their spaces and killing them... with very, very few exceptions... that has kept him from choosing a path outside of murder-for-hire (perfectly executed, of course ;) )  So I’m left at the end with the conclusion that 47 is now able to operate as his own conscience because he now has a... mostly usable independent sense of morality-- which requires a certain level of empathy. So... again: what’s the deal with the antidote?  Is it two-in-one?  This would be fine, (Okay, not really, I would then have to rant about how this only makes sense as a convenient plot device because for which person BESIDES Agent 47 would such an antidote be useful unless they also work with the first serum... and oh boy IMPLICATIONS... I know we keep crashing their stock but can we crash their production too?) except the antidote is only referenced as working to return 47′s memory... and his ‘warmer’ dialogues through the end of 2 and into 3 with his allies is simply treated as matter of course-- nobody points it out. I don’t know if this is a problem with my perspective, the writing, or what... But it seems like Lucas knows and doesn’t know about both serums at the same time (he comments specifically about 47 remembering things... but not him behaving more emotionally engaged)... Or like the games smooshed both serums together while the comics had them separate.  This isn’t like the whole “we don’t talk about Absolution though we do wink and nod that it mostly happened in canon” thing.  The comics were written as a companion for the HITMAN: World of Assassination trilogy! I know how I’m treating it for 'Monstrous’ (because if I don’t, I’ll go crazy and rage-quit the fic) but it still bothers me...  Anybody got any ideas?  Nuggets of lore I missed?  Am I the only one stressing out about this??

i’d love you to stay but that’s simply insane // JJK (4)

     jungkook is an uncontrollable lead vocalist of the campus band, and you’re a goal-oriented top student that’s known his rich and complicated family since childhood. you don’t want anything to do with each other, until each other is exactly what you want to do.

pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

genre: college au

warnings: this is mostly jk showing off what a shy tease he is, but with some angst at the end

words: 4.8k

       chapter four

Somehow, Jungkook had managed to keep his wits about him and completed the week without a single party – and without a single drop of alcohol! – so, naturally, by the time it was Friday, everyone was talking. Most people assumed that there was something wrong with him but a surprisingly large percentage of the students on campus seemed to understand his reasons – causing a car crash while under the influence was bound to make a person reconsider some of their life choices.

When your last class of the week, Macroeconomics, wrapped up on Friday afternoon, you were surprised to find Jungkook lingering by the door of the building. You weren’t sure if you were at that point in your friendship where you could just approach him and simply ask what was up or if you two still weren’t close enough for that but Jungkook noticed you and relieved you from making that difficult decision.

“Hey!” he walked over to you as soon as he saw you. “Wasn’t your class supposed to end fifteen minutes ago?”

You looked down at the clock on your phone. “Uh, yeah. The professor is—well, I’ve concluded that she can’t tell time.”

“Clearly,” he said. “I stayed back, thinking we could head home together.”

“Oh,” you said and then looked down, automatically mapping out the campus until you came to a conclusion that you and Jungkook could definitely walk in the same direction without it being weird, so, really, there was no reason for you to get excited about this. And yet your heart disagreed as it cheerfully tossed itself across your chest. “Sorry I made you wait, then. But you could have given me a heads-up. My Fridays don’t start until—”

“See you tonight, bro!” a guy walking past interrupted you as he punched Jungkook on the shoulder so unexpectedly that he nearly toppled over. Jungkook didn’t mind, though, and when you lifted your eyes, you saw a friendly smile on his face.

“Definitely!” he replied to the guy before redirecting his attention to you. “Sorry about that. You were saying?”

“Nothing,” you dismissed that as you two slowly walked out of the building and made your way home. “So, what’s tonight?”

You didn’t mean to pry but, after not hearing about any Parental Advisory parties from Inna, you had suspected that the band was going to take it easy this weekend – perhaps even give the not-so-legendary Brock a chance to host a second party, since his first one only seemed to do moderately well after Jungkook didn’t show up – but, clearly, you’d been wrong to assume that.

“Ah, there’s a party at our place,” Jungkook said and he seemed very uncomfortable admitting this so he tried to find a way to justify it, “it’s tradition, you know? We’re not performing this weekend because we didn’t get to practice as much – my bad, I suppose – but the party’s still on.”

“I see,” you said, not realizing how judgmental that sounded to him.

“Yeah, and it’s not like I can just not go because I live there,” he continued to explain himself, “it’d be weird if I stayed in my room the entire time and, now that I think about it, I probably couldn’t stay in my room anyway. The music would be too loud for me to do anything, so I’d have to—”

“Jungkook,” you turned to look at him and he finally stopped the nervous chatter, “you don’t have to swear off parties altogether. That wouldn’t be you.”

“Yeah, no, I know,” he scratched his neck, “it’s just—I don’t know. I get that most of my friendships on campus are superficial. Really, I do. But it’s—I mean, these people aren’t that bad to hang out with. I just don’t want to make it seem like I’m back on my old bullshit, you know?”

You didn’t know because you weren’t sure what his “old bullshit” involved but you nodded because he looked like he needed reassurance right now.

“Sure,” you said, “but you’re in college. You can still go out and have fun with your friends… or whoever those people are to you. Just be responsible.”

“Right,” he swallowed and both of you turned quiet.

Realizing that he had a limited amount of time to talk to you before you’d reach your dormitory, Jungkook was the one who spoke up again a minute later.

“I talked to my parents last night,” he said. “I called them like you said. They acted like it was the first time I’d ever called them. I’m pretty sure mom thought I only called because I needed to get bailed out of jail.”

You raised your eyebrows in surprise. “I didn’t realize you’d drifted off so much.”

He exhaled slowly. “Yeah, we did.”

“You’re working on it, though,” you said, noticing that your observation seemed to bring him down. Out of fear of having discouraged him, you added quickly, “that’s a good sign, isn’t it? You are actually trying to bring back what you once had.”

“Hmm, that might be a stretch. I don’t think we were ever a perfect family,” he scrunched up his nose as he said this and, for a moment, you were completely breathless because he looked so sweet and homely – it was an insane contrast to the wild, long-haired alternative singer that most of the people on campus knew him as.

“Yeah, well, uh,” you blinked, looking away from him and focusing on the pavement instead, “every family has its flaws. But not all of them are willing to work on them.”

“I feel like that’s a line from a Tolstoy book,” Jungkook said and you snorted. He noticed the disbelief on your face right away. “What? I only act like I’m empty-headed sometimes, but I do read.”

“No, it’s not that,” you said, shaking your head, “I just never pegged you for someone who’d read Tolstoy, of all things.”

“Why? Who did you peg me as?”

You gave him a side-glance, your eyes guarded by your eyelashes as you still wouldn’t meet his gaze – which was good because his heart had already stopped when you looked at him like that – and hummed thoughtfully.

“You always struck me as more of a Stephanie Meyer guy,” you said.

He gasped and pfftched for the next few steps before finding his voice, “Stephanie Meyer? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with her but what is it about me that screams I-enjoy-hot-vampire-drama?”

You shrugged. “You tell me. I remember seeing the book in your bedroom when we were in sixth grade.”

“I am not going to defend my twelve-year-old self,” he declared with mock-dignity and you couldn’t help but smile at the banter. “That must have been the year when the book was the most hyped. I got curious.”

“Hey, I’m not judging,” you said and then bit playfully, “different strokes for different folks, right?”

“I’d rather not have Edward Cullen stroke me, thank you very much.”

You laughed. “Fair enough.”

Jungkook smiled as he watched you but he didn’t get to enjoy the happy wrinkles by your eyes for too long because you two reached your dormitory and it was about to become awkward. Due to the fact that Jungkook lived a little further away, it was starting to feel like he’d just walked you home, which he technically did, but it wasn’t the typical Walking-Home that happened when two people were dating, and now you didn’t know how to act.

“Alright, well, thank you for waiting for me after class,” you said in an attempt to ease the awkwardness.

It didn’t really help because, all throughout the walk over here, Jungkook kept trying to find a way to ask you something and he was still having a hard time choosing his words.

“Yeah, uh, anytime,” he said and then, with a very dramatic stretch of his hands above his head – he wasn’t trying to show off his muscles or anything, he just needed to feel a little more in control of his body – he finally dared to say, “hey, so… do you think you’ll make it to the party tonight? I mean, I assume your roommate’s coming, so—”

“Oh, I don’t know if she is,” you admitted, completely oblivious about how long it took him to gather the courage to ask you to come. “Inna didn’t mention going.”

“She said she was thinking of going when I talked to her,” he said, recalling the time he’d cornered your roommate for your phone number.

“I guess your parties are more her thing,” you said, not wanting to turn him down but also not feeling up for another night with his drunk groupies, “they’re not really for me.”

“Alright, that’s cool,” Jungkook said, focusing all of his attention on a loose pebble on the pavement that he kicked softly with his foot. “I’ll see you on Monday then, yeah?”

He didn’t make it obvious but you could still hear the glints of disappointment in his voice and you’d have been fooling yourself if you said it didn’t make your heart beat faster – he wanted you to come! – which was still something that you weren’t used to.

When you were younger, Jungkook had never made you feel like you were going to die if he didn’t smile at you. Until, one day, that was precisely how he made you feel.

It happened in the final years of your friendship so you’ve had seven years to digest the butterflies and finish wallowing in self-pity. You thought you were fine now.

“Yeah,” you said struggling to swallow because, clearly, the only creatures that were fine, were the damn butterflies that had successfully reincarnated. “I’ll see you Monday.”

But the two of you stayed still for a few more minutes, both stealing quick glances at each other and then looking away when your eyes met. You couldn’t bring yourself to turn around and enter the dormitory because in doing so, you’d begin two and a half days of not seeing Jungkook, and you didn’t feel ready for that yet.

Funny how you’d survived seven years without talking to him but one weekend suddenly seemed too long.

“I should go,” Jungkook said after a while because it was true, he really should have gone. But he didn’t want to leave. “They’re probably going to send me on a booze run.”

“Is that your punishment for last weekend?” you asked.

“Yeah. But also, maybe it’s not? They always order me around,” he explained. “I’m the youngest. Sometimes, I swear, I can’t wait until they graduate and then I won’t have to go on beer runs at six in the morning when they’re too drunk to move.”

You’ve heard about the dynamics of the relationship between the Parental Advisory members from Inna but it sounded different – somehow more real – when Jungkook was the one telling you about that. You felt yourself smile as he spoke of the other members.

“You don’t mean that,” you said. “You guys seem really close.”

“We live together,” Jungkook said with a nonchalant shrug but you could see how much their friendship meant to him in his eyes. “We’ve seen each other go through all kinds of shit. They’re… they’re cool guys. The only ones I’m actually genuinely close to. You’d like them.”

You didn’t doubt that for one second even though, just days prior, you thought his whole band was overrated.

It’s been a long week, that much was clear, and you’d learned that you were a lot more prejudiced than you’d have liked to admit.

“I’m sure they’re nice,” you didn’t disagree, “I hope they’ll take care of you tonight.”

That sounded far too familiar and just plain affectionate when said out loud, and you felt yourself flush as you looked for something else to say to control the damage. But Jungkook didn’t seem to mind your worry in the slightest – in fact, he knew he was going to replay your words in his mind all the way to his house – as he smiled and gave you a reassuring nod.

“I’ll be fine tonight,” he promised and the grateful glitter of his eyes let you know that there were going to be no life-threatening accidents tonight.

Inna did end up going to the party. She felt like she’d already come so far by attending last week, so she couldn’t just stop going now – which made no sense to you whatsoever, but maintaining the perfect attendance clearly meant a lot to her, so you gave her your blessing and patiently endured her nagging as she tried to get you to come with her.

“I can’t bring myself to go,” you said as you settled on your bed with your laptop. “I went through this whole week looking forward to Friday so I could have an American Horror Story marathon until I dreamt of latex-clad monsters. I just can’t postpone that any longer and especially not for something as ridiculous as—well, you know.”

She used to think you were kidding when you first started to live together, but after knowing you for three years, she realized just how much these seemingly little things meant to you: like catching a new superhero movie or re-watching your favorite TV shows. And it wasn’t that you hated social interactions or parties in general, not at all. You just needed them to come in smaller doses than most people.

“I get it,” she said. “But are you sure? I mean, Jungkook is going to be there.”

“I know,” you said and, boy, did you. Him being there was basically the only thing you kept thinking about ever since you got home. “You can tell him hi if you see him. He knows who you are.”

Inna scoffed. “Yeah. As if I can just approach a member of Parental Advisory and start a casual conversation.”

You gave her a look. “You can. It’s the mindset that these people are better than you that’s stopping you. It’s also what keeps them thriving.”

“I know,” she said, “but still. I’m arriving to the party alone this time, and I’m not really a member of their group yet. I need to know my place.”

“Inna—”

“Yeah, alright, I heard how that sounded,” she stopped you before you could lecture her again. “But you know what I mean.”

“Are you trying to get me to come with you out of pity?”

She smiled despite herself. “Well, it worked before.”

You shook your head, smiling at her sneaky attempt. “Get out of here. And have fun!”

“I will,” she promised, spraying some perfume on her wrists before she left. “I’ll keep you updated on what Jungkook is doing.”

“Please don’t stalk him on my behalf,” you cringed, which was, clearly, her intention as she laughed.

“Everything I do,” Inna sang in her best Bryan Adams voice as she exited the room dramatically, “I do it for you.”

You wished her good luck one more time before she closed the door of the dorm and hurried down the hall. 

You didn’t often get to have your dorm room all to yourself so, as soon as she left, you exhaled in content and sprawled across your bed, your laptop resting on your hips, the first season of American Horror Story starting on the screen.

You got through the first few episodes before you had to pause the show and go find yourself a snack. Never having too much actual food in the house, you and Inna always made sure to stock up on snacks, and you returned to the bedroom with a box of Oreo's and a pack of Maltesers. Very content with the current state of things in your life, you continued to watch the show while you unwrapped the box of cookies.

Sometime in the middle of Episode 4, you thought you heard your phone vibrate but, by that time, you were already dozing off and assumed that it had to be a figment of your imagination. Still, just to be sure, you patted the bed with your hand, searching for your phone, and then gave up a minute later when you couldn’t find it without getting up.

Another few moments later, the buzzing sound returned and this time, you were sure of it – someone was calling you. Groaning, you lifted your head off the head rest and cursed yourself when you saw your phone on the furthest corner of the bed. Pausing the show, you set your laptop aside and reached for the vibrating device with a painful strain of your muscles that were aching to sleep now.

They woke up almost immediately after you noticed the caller’s ID, however.

Clearing your throat with wide, surprised eyes, you picked up the call. “Hello?”

“Hi!” Jungkook’s voice was so high-pitched that you didn’t recognize it at first and were about to double-check if it was really him calling you when he continued, “I’ve tried calling you but you weren’t picking up.”

“Oh. Yeah, sorry, I—I didn’t hear,” you explained lamely. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s perfect!” he replied. He couldn’t have made his drunken state more obvious if he’d tried. “Wait, no. No, it’s not. You didn’t come.”

Every emotion he was trying to portray with his words was exaggerated as he spoke in a purposefully whiny tone. It tugged at your heart strings and you had to pull the phone away from your face so you could clear your throat again.

“No, I…” you said but the ball of excitement was still stuck tightly in your throat. “I told you I wouldn’t.”

“Yeah but I thought you’d change your mind,” he said and then loud shuffling followed, “oh—whoa—!”

You blinked. “W-what happened? Are you okay?”

“I’m—yes! I slipped,” he laughed breathily and you nearly suffocated from the sound, “I’m really drunk.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” you said, standing up from your bed in hopes that walking would help you calm your beating heart down. “What happened to being responsible?”

“I am being responsible,” Jungkook countered.

“Doesn’t sound like it,” you replied just humorously enough so he’d know you weren’t actually angry or disappointed in him.

But he wasn’t in the mood to over-analyze your words as he seemed to bring his phone closer to his lips to say quietly, “hmm, you should have come then, so you could keep an eye on me.”

The accidental – or purposeful, for all you knew – ASMR had you gripping the windowsill for support.

“I didn’t realize you needed a babysitter,” you tried to play it cool.

“I don’t. I just need you,” he said automatically and your whole body lit up like an artificial Christmas tree. Jungkook reacted first, however, as he tried to back up, “uh, here, I mean. At the party”

“I got it,” you lied. The only thing you got was that Jungkook was just as capable of putting you in a trance over the phone as he was in real life. “I, um… I don’t really do parties.”

He shuffled – probably switching the phone to his other ear – before asking, “what do you do?”

“I like to stay in,” you answered, pacing around your room. “Watch a movie, maybe.”

“Okay,” he said, no longer as bold. “Maybe next weekend we can do something you do together, then?”

It felt like you’d swallowed your own heart and it was now beating all over you until your whole body was buzzing. “Uh—”

Thankfully, an unexpected overjoyed screeching sounded in the background of the call, distracting you both and providing you with the perfect opportunity to get out of the grip his question had put you in.

“S-shouldn’t you go check that out?” you asked with a nervous chuckle. “Sounded important.”

“Yeah, I’m—I’ll go check it out,” he agreed hesitantly, concluding – drunkenly and, most likely, incorrectly – that he’d stepped over the line. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

Struggling to speak, you only hummed in approval, “mmhhm.”

“Okay.”

But just like before, outside of your dormitory, neither of you wanted the conversation to end. Despite you making it awkward by not answering his proposal – he shouldn’t have thrown it at you so unexpectedly – you did enjoy the fact that he’d called – when he had so many other people around him to talk to – and didn’t want to hang up just yet.

You two allowed the silence to settle on the line as neither of you seemed to find a way to break it. You kept thinking about his question, kept replaying it over and over in your mind, and the more you thought about it, the more frightened you became. You’d already given your all to him once before, but he decided he didn’t want you to do that anymore. He didn’t need you anymore.

You didn’t want to spend the few upcoming years exploring the boundaries of your friendship with him, only for him to decide -- once again -- that he didn’t really want to be with you anymore.

And yet, even though your heart was on the line here, you still refused to hang up the call.

“Jungkook?” you said quietly.

“Yeah?” he answered right away as if he was waiting for you to say something – and he was, really.

“Oh,” you exhaled. “I thought you went to check what happened.”

“No. I’m here,” he said and you heard him swallow. “It’s probably nothing interesting.”

There was no way it wasn’t interesting – you could still hear the sounds of excitement in the background of the call – but Jungkook found himself much more intrigued by the sound of your breathing as you tried to find what to say.

“Okay,” you said and then prepared yourself for another round of silence – only it didn’t come.

“So, uh, hey, tell me about these movies you like to watch,” Jungkook changed the topic in a slightly more upbeat voice and you chuckled in relief.

“You already know all about it,” you said. “I used to force you to watch them with me.”

“I wouldn’t call it forcing,” he disagreed. “It’s not like I did it against my will.”

“You sure made it seem so,” you reminded him.

“Well, you can’t expect me to go down without a fight,” he said. “If I remember correctly, you always wanted to watch horror movies. It’s not good for my dignity when you don’t flinch during the jump-scares and I’m the only one actually getting scared.”

He did remember correctly – so his mind did function semi-properly even when he was intoxicated – and you couldn’t stop smiling. You must have looked like a lunatic. You felt like a lunatic.

“Yeah, you were always a scaredy cat,” you teased.

“Bold of you to say so when you had me climb through your bedroom window to get rid of the spider that was blocking your door,” he said and you gasped, having had him swear that he’d never mention the incident again.

“I was ten!” you protested. “That’s also how many legs that monstrosity had.”

“Spiders have eight legs,” Jungkook said matter-of-factly and then mocked your previous teasing voice, “you were always one to exaggerate.”

You rolled your eyes but the grin did not fade from your lips.

“Thank you, though,” you said before you could change your mind. “I don’t remember saying that after you got rid of it.”

Jungkook was smiling, too. “No. I only remember you sprinting downstairs as soon as you could open the door.”

“That’s because you chased me around the room with the thing,” you pointed out, Jungkook’s teasing ‘come on, just look at it!’ still fresh in your memory. “Actually, that might be why I never said thank you.”

This got him to laugh. “Yeah, that’s probably why. In my defense, I was just trying to help you deal with your arachan—arach—ah, for fuck’s sake. With the fear of spiders.”

“Is it the alcohol getting to you?” you asked, giggling as he stumbled on the word.

“It must be,” he admitted, “but, really, I feel fine. Responsible drinking! Like I told you.”

“And you’re still having fun?”

Clutching his phone closer to his ear, Jungkook nodded to himself.

“Yeah,” he said slowly, “I definitely am.”

“So, in conclusion, blackout drinking is overrated,” you said knowingly.

“It’s—” he started but then stopped abruptly. You could hear his name being called in the background.

“You should go back,” you said then, feeling like, if you weren’t going to hang up, he wouldn’t either.

“Yeah, it’s starting to look like they won’t give me any other choice,” Jungkook said. “I’ll see you soon, though, okay?”

“Yeah,” you said as if that was obvious, “see you.”

“Give me a call if there’s a spider that needs my attention,” he bit one last time and then hung up as soon as you finished laughing – he couldn’t hang up before, it was simply impossible for him to pull away from the speaker of his phone when you were laughing.

You stared at your phone for at least a few minutes after the call ended, still beaming. There was a juxtaposition of feelings brewing inside of you: you were excited about receiving his call – even if it was a drunken one – while still holding yourself back from (re)developing any sort of connection with him out of fear of it all ending as abruptly as it had before.

But, as you put your phone down and returned to your previous spot on the bed – no longer tired enough to fall asleep – you figured that you were really more excited than you were afraid. Because, all things considered, you and Jungkook were no longer in the ninth grade. And maybe it’d prove to be difficult for you to fully open your heart again, but you couldn’t dismiss the possibility that, eventually, you could have Jungkook in your life again.

Three more episodes of American Horror Story later, you were positively dozing off. You did want to finish the first season – and you came so close – but your eyes were already closed for half of the last episode you’d watched, so you decided it’d be best to go to sleep. However, as soon as you turned the laptop off and got up to brush your teeth, you heard the door of the dorm open.

Poking your head into the hallway, you yawned just as Inna stumbled inside – and flinched, grasping at her chest, as soon as she saw you – dropping her keys onto the floor.

“Jesus, don’t stand there in the dark,” she hiccuped, leaning down to pick her keys up while you turned the light of the hallway on. She lost her balance on her way back up and had to lean against the wall to stand.

“Wow, you’re properly drunk,” you said, feeling another yawn coming but resisting it because it was starting to look as though you wouldn’t get to go to sleep just yet.

“Nooo,” she whined. “I didn’t drink that much. Just—just a little. A small little drink.”

You smiled at her description and took her keys from her. “Let me get those. You get yourself to bed.”

“Oh,” Inna sighed wistfully as she leaned against the wall of the hallway instead of doing what you’d told her. “You should have really come with me. It was fun.”

“Yeah, I bet it was,” you replied. “Come on, off to bed now—”

“Can I tell you a secret?” she asked.

“Inna—”

“I have Yoongi’s phone number,” she giggled drunkenly.

“Alright, good for you. Now, let’s—”

“Can I tell you another secret?” she said again and her expression turned grave. “But, shhh, shhh, you can’t tell this one to my roommate.”

Confused how to proceed from there, you hesitated and then ended up choosing not to encourage her to keep going. You’d eavesdropped enough in the past week so the maximum number of secrets that you knew but weren’t supposed to know was reached.

“That’s okay,” you told her, gently wrapping an arm around her shoulders to help her return to the bedroom. “You can tell me tomorrow.”

“No, no, listen,” she disagreed, allowing you to guide her towards the bedroom – and then nearly falling face-down on the floor after she trusted you blindly and ended up stumbling over the threshold of the door because of it. “I saw Jungkook.”

She started to giggle like a madwoman then and you thought that was the whole secret but as soon as you helped her sit down, and squatted in front of her to remove her shoes, she kept going.

“I’m really sorry,” she said, her hand coming to rest on the top of your head as she brushed your hair affectionately.

“Sorry about seeing Jungkook?” you asked absentmindedly, too focused on the removal of her heels to pay attention.

“Yes,” she confirmed. “He was coming over here.”

You managed to pull one of her shoes off and dropped it in surprise.

“What?” you asked. “He was coming here?”

She nodded and you stood up, giving the room a once-over. If Inna was serious, and Jungkook was coming over here, there was no way you were going to let him into your room – it looked very much like a cozy pigsty at the moment.

“With a girl,” Inna added then, “she probably lives here.”

Blinking as you tried to digest this new bit of information that she had dramatically withheld for a whole minute, you felt your stomach sink with heavy disappointment.

“He’s, uh—he’s going over to some girl’s place?” you asked, returning to your previous job of removing Inna’s shoes.

“I think so,” she nodded and, judging by her voice, she was already falling asleep, but she still didn’t forget to mention, “but don’t tell my roommate. She’s just starting to be friends with him again.”

Your hurting heart would have disagreed with her – a friend wouldn’t have cared whom her friends were sleeping with – but you kept your eyes on the floor as you took her heels off and picked them up to carry them into the hallway.

“Don’t worry,” you said. “I won’t tell.”

keep reading | masterlist

The Magnus Archives Relisten: Episode 60 - Observer Effect

Does it just want me to keep living in fear? - Statement of Rosa Meyer

Yeah. Yeah it does.

I ended up having something of an on-air breakdown.

I'm somewhat glad that she doesn't go on to explain her breakdown in detail because I would be curled in a ball, cringing. There's some things that just shouldn't have an audience... (Yeah, I might have certain traits that have made people I know go "You'd make a good Eye avatar" but I would make an equally good Eye victim... mind, sometimes there's not all that much distinction between the two, is there?)

He didn’t recognize the mirror, but a few years ago, Christopher was looking into writing a book on the totems of what he called “outer cults”, small organized groups of worshippers whose beliefs weren’t simply deviations from paganism or other major religions, but seemed to focus on holy beings or concepts completely apart from what would be considered normal religious practice.

So I was thinking "Hm, how did he end up with the mirror, then? Does the Eye have a cult we don't know about - sure, there's the Archive but they don't LOOK like a cult from the outside so why is the mirror among the fetishes if there's no obvious Eye cult" but...

He had apparently logged several trips to London in order to consult with your Institute.

I'm thinking what happened here is Christopher finds out the Archive has information on cults like the ones he's looking into and the head of the Archive is very helpful, very generous, even ends up giving him an artefact from the Archive's own collections, would you imagine?

A bizarre and apparently motiveless crime. The one detail that still nags at me is that the company the Danilo Costich worked for, Paper Run Limited, is the same company that at the time supplied most of the stationery to the Magnus Institute. I have a nasty feeling about exactly where she was taking that petrol. - Jon

She figured it out!

Martin: And we'd really like... Elias: To not have to fire you.

Oh, what an empty threat, Elias.

Not!Sasha: And let’s have no more of this paranoia.

PFFFFFFFFF! Like you're not rolling in it like a pig in muck!

My impression of this episode

I had remembered this episode as being kind of dull and actually forgot most of it, but I must have been in a strange mood because it's really quite eerie (not the most powerful Eye statement in TMA, but up there in quality!) And the intervention and supplemental are pretty fascinating in their own right!

the new halloween movie is coming out soon so I have to give my rant on horror sequels please ignore me if u have to but if u do just know that I am correct here

(disclaimer that I do genuinely like the movies I'm talking about and obviously none of what I'm saying takes away from the cultural impact they've had etc etc I'm just making an observation here okay cool)

horror is like. widely regarded as the cheapest and easiest kind of movie to make, which I would like to argue against on more than a few points, but the fact is that it's unfortunately kind of true to an extent. now no form of writing is easy and the sfx work that goes into a lot of movies from the genre isn't cheap, but in general a lot of people aspiring to be screenwriters start off in horror bc they think it's the easiest point with the lowest budget. u get some fake blood, u get a retractable plastic knife, u hire two or three main protagonists, one antagonist (two if it's your sequel), and a couple extras for the background shots and hey u got yourself a movie.

that's a completely mockery of all the hard work that goes into making a horror film, but it's exactly what does happen in a lot of cases. and a some of them tank, hard, and that happens in every genre, but bc horror is the easiest genre to get your foot in the door with (largely due to the fact that most horror is incorrectly seen as "lowbrow" entertainment by greater hollywood, but that's a ted talk for another time), they're in greater number and more widely known when they're from the horror genre.

but others, the ones u know most intimately, like halloween and friday the 13th, are easily recognized as classics of the genre. people love them, and with good reason. they're good

I swear this all has something to do with what I'm saying about horror movie sequels just bear with me please

most horror classics were intended to be one shots, or if they weren't they were intended to have a different running storyline. the halloween franchise is called halloween bc it was originally supposed to be an anthology of different scary stories that occurred during halloween. hellraiser wasn't supposed to have such a heavy focus on the cenobites at all; they were tangential to the larger story, and in fact the focus was supposed to be on frank, the human man, trying to control powers that were never his to mess with and failing horribly (but again, that's a ted talk for another time)

but both franchises easily achieved cult status, as we're all aware, and bc production companies have no idea what to do when their films get successful, their plans changed. audiences loved michael meyers, people thought pinhead was fascinating, and instead of an anthology series full of one shots (in halloween's case) or a simple one-and-done (hellraiser), we got back to back (to back to back) movies about michael meyers and suddenly the cenobites were the main antagonists, something they were never presented as in the original movie (angels to some, demons to others, this is a whole other tangent)

this phenomenon of churning out sequel after sequel after sequel is almost nonexistent in any other genre. even when it does exist, there's one crucial difference: the stories from movie to movie are usually different, and there's not nearly as many. a trilogy vs an 8 movie long series is vastly different, especially when that trilogy focuses on a different story every time.

this isn't to say that those other sequels are any good, there's plenty of cases where they're just as bad, but they are, at least, different. there's at least a fresh perspective instead of your antagonist coming back from the dead every 2 years and wreaking the same exact havoc on humanity

believe it or not, this ties right back into my original point. the reason there are so many halloween movies, and the reason there are so many nightmare on elm street movies and friday the 13th movies, is bc horror is so widely regarded as cheap and easy. we've all heard stories about how michael meyers' costume was a cheap william shatner mask turned inside out and spray painted white.

it was a prime example of why u don't need a huge budget to make your movie work but it is also, sadly, something that plays into this idea that horror isn't worth anything bc u don't have to work as hard. a point that is tragically further corroborated when u consider the effort put into the sequels.

but see the reason the various halloween sequels weren't received as well as the originals, or may have felt stale or "cheaply made," wasn't bc they didn't sink enough money into it. it was bc they wrote bad movies. bc they were capitalizing on a cultural phenomenon and instead of honing in on what made their original movie so good and evolving from that point, they stagnated. they just kept writing the same movie over and over again.

there's a reason season of the witch is widely regarded as the best halloween sequel, to the point where it's usually the first one people mention when they mention the sequels at all, and that's bc it was a different story. it played off the original, yes, but it wasn't about the same thing the original was, not like the various other sequels.

when u get into the latest halloween sequel, and the one coming out later this year, it's still the same story it was when it came out in the late 70s. it feels like one big, long, extended edition story. there's nothing new, nothing different.

horror movies aren't inherently cheap or easy to write or lazy cinema. but this slew of sequels makes it seem like it is. if there's one thing good creators know how to do, it's how to make something incredible on a budget. and the original halloween was made by good creators. maybe it was more cheaply made than other films, but it was a genuinely good story. even if u personally didn't like it, u have to admit that it was really good to enough people that it made a huge impact.

the others, however, had a considerably larger budget. and they're worse.

but the first one was small. low budget, killer script, great creators, amazing film.

then we go to high budget, relying on cult status, only interested in money, lazy script for multiple sequels that are not at all in line with the original intent of the franchise, bad movie.

and see, people connect these dots and say that horror is lazy, cheap, and bad. but when u really look into it, sure there's some stinkers that are made with very low budgets, but that's not on the budget. bc clearly the budget doesn't matter, and that's been proven. it's true, a lot of these classic horror films, at their first inception, didn't have very large budgets to work with. but their sequels did. and their sequels are what ran them into the ground, in the public perception

bc the writing in the sequels is lazy. the intent isn't to write a good story anymore, it's to make money. bc the original was so successful, on such a small budget, that now suddenly they have all this money and they want to make more.

but the thing is people never liked your story for the antagonist in the first place. yes, michael meyers a good antagonist, yes, mrs vorhees was a good antagonist. but they were only ever good antagonists in the first place bc u made a genuinely good story.

and that's what the audience wants. a good story.

Don’t Let The Screen Door Hit You On The Way Out

”It’s never the crime, it’s always the cover-up.” Watergate Lesson #1

Y’know, some bastards need to be cancelled.

The liars, the hypocrites, the betrayers of trust public and private.

The “do as I say, not as I do” anusoids.

Dropkick those bozologists right outta here.

The problem is not people who screw up -- people screw up all the time.

It’s not ideas that later prove to be in error or just plain bad -- all of us at one time or another believed something we now know to be wrong.

No, the problem is those who set themselves us as moral exemplars and then betray the very moral example they proclaim.

Ska-rue those dips.

Cast them into the outer void.

Cast in point: The drugging rapist comedian spent their entire professional career stressing high principles and values, openly saying “look at what I did and do likewise” while deriding members of their own community for not obtaining the heights they did.

A good hunk of that time they spent drugging and raping victims, paying them off to keep silent so they could drug and rape more victims.

Look, back in the day Bob Hope was a notorious philanderer but he and his wife had an understanding and Hope never promoted himself as a moral exemplar (quite the opposite!).

So to find out Hope engaged in consensual adultery with the tacit approval of his wife is neither a big shock not does it undermine any message he sought to convey.

On the other hand, the drugging rapist comedian did espouse a message that millions saw as valid, and they held themselves up as an example for their fans to aspire to.

If we learned said comedian was a garden variety philanderer like Bob Hope, their message and example would be somewhat tarnished but not destroyed; consensual sex gets a tsk-tsk and nothing more, especially if the spouse doesn’t object (and said comedian’s spouse damn well knew what was going on yet didn’t think raping victims drugged into unconsciousness was a deal breaker of a marriage ender).

Some people today hope to this disgraced comedian will die soon so their comedy can be enjoyed publicly again.

Why?

Any good from this rapist’s life has already been done in whatever charitable donations and scholarships they provided, whatever inspiration they gave audiences to help them better themselves before learning of their crimes, and stylistic / topical insights gleaned by other comedians.

The rapist’s comedy routines and TV shows -- all family friendly and morally high minded -- now ring hollow and taste sour.  Whatever comedic insights the rapist had to offer have long since been absorbed by those who followed.

Leni Riefenstahl created two monstrous documentaries -- Triumph Of The Will and Olympiad -- that glorified Nazism while at the same time inventing the cinematic language for depicting mass movements and covering sporting events.

Nobody today ever need watch her original films in order to learn those lessons; thousands of film makers and videographers have applied them elsewhere and the technical lessons remain valid even when divorced from their racist origins.

So be it with the rapist comedian.

Let those who learned from their routines reinterpret those lessons in a form that noi longer contains a poison pill.

Case in point: The comic-turned-film maker presented their work -- no matter how funny the material – as a serious examination of modern moral values.

And, dang, the c-t-f certainly fooled a lot of us.

In their defense, the c-t-f always claimed in public to be a really terrible person, but this was all just c-y-a.

Of course those public admissions were all self-depreciating self-mockery, look how thoughtful and complex the c-t-f films were, how they examined modern life, look how they laid bare the contradictions and conundrums of the human condition.

Then it turns out the c-t-f could not keep their own knickers up and wreaked havoc on a dozen or more lives, rendering all their opinions and observations as worth less that a wadded of soiled toilet paper.

Yeah, the rapist comedian’s crime are worse by at least two orders of magnitude, but the c-t-f only misses a charge of incest by the barest of technicalities.

And it doesn’t matter that c-t-f’s spouse at the time is a batshit crazy homewrecker themselves -- c-t-f knew this then and chose them as a spouse and contributed to the chaos being wreaked in that family.

So, no, you can’t pose your films as Important Serious Examinations Of Modern Morals when you’re acting in a way that would get Dr. Freud to say, “That’s some seriously fucked up shit.” 

Open reprobates like John Waters and Russ Meyer never need worry about failing audience expectations; they’re upfront and honest about their perversions and peccadillos (and to be fair to them, they never screwed up the lives of others the way the c-t-f did).

I used to love the c-t-f’s work and eagerly looked forward to each new one.

Not any more.

You can never trust that viewpoint again, and even the earlier, funnier work is now called into question.

Case in point: This one is smaller, more localized, but I have personal knowledge of it and it’s emblemic of a far larger, far more vast problem.

The retired pastor tried to stay busy, volunteering at their local church and nearby nursing homes, and proposing an outreach for runaway abused teen girls.

It came as quite a shock to learn the retired preacher had been caught in a classic honey trap sex sting:  They texted what they thought was a 16 year old girl but turned out to be an adult investigator trolling for sexual predators.

The retired pastor got probation and registered as a sex offender.  There was a big public confession and an apology to their church, a contrite promise of repentance, and a big heaping helping of forgiveness all around.

There but for the grace of God, right…?

The retired pastor wanted to resume the runaway abused teen girl project.

Oh, they would have nothing to do with it directly, of course.

Just be available to advise others as needed…

Well, that waved more red flags than a May Day celebration in Tiananmen Square.  Even assuming the retired pastor was incredibly naïve -- more naïve than any retired pastor has a right to be -- the sheer optics alone would be incredibly bad.

And the chance of somebody finding out and filing a complaint for reasons real or suspected would put the church sponsoring it at terrible risk.

Dude, you screwed up.   That door is shut to you.

Organized religions are imploding right now, and no matter what faith or denomination, the reason is inevitably the same:  Predators of all stripes infiltrate the structure to find victims.

Sexual abuse ranks high, but there’s also financial abuse, emotional abuse, and just plain old abuse of power.  

It’s ultimately the exact same problem as that of the rapist comedian and the comic-turned-film maker:  Hypocrisy.

Religious leaders are as human as anyone else, few are the plaster saints we make them out to be.

And there are those who make mistakes, and those who hide their personal peccadillos from others (word among the BDSM community is that quite a few religious leaders enjoy those reindeer games), but those have the common fucking sense not to videotape themselves (remember, if you make a copy of anything you’re giving the universe tacit permission to share it and if the copy is digital, the sharing is compulsory).

The worst part is that the very victims of these predators are not only quicky to forgive these abuses and let them continue, but viciously turn on those victims that dare speak out against their abuse!

This is the reason organized religion is collapsing:  It’s become a cesspool of sexual predators and con artists.

Church leaders who decry the declining numbers are eager to blame a lack of spiritual discipline, a loss of faith, cultural influence, and of course that ol’ standby, Satan hizzowndamsef.

But when you ask people who left why they left, the answer is almost always they grew tired of being taken advantage of.

Physician, heal thyself. 

The problem we face today is that too many people impose standards on others they are not merely incapable of following themselves (which would be a sad but typically human failure) but are utterly unwilling to even make the attempt.

We need so-called cancel culture.  We need to expose hypocrites, denounce their hypocrisy, and deny them access to new victims.

Don’t feel sorry for the bastards who get caught, get angry over the harm they inflict.

    © Buzz Dixon

Can the Falcons Fly High This Season?

NRU OBSERVER

September 4, 2021

By Myrna Shepherd

The collegiate hockey season is little more than a month away for our own North River Falcons, and after a disappointing loss in the first round of the playoffs last year, both students and faculty are eager to see what kind of team is going to take the ice in October.

With plenty of new faces joining the line-up - whom you’ll hear from a little later - the captaincy falls upon the shoulders of the team’s veterans, with Senior Antoine Mitchell sporting the ‘C’ for what looks to be his final season before graduating. Serving alongside him, sporting the ‘A’s, are fellow veteran defensemen Alex Winters and Nathan Manning. Another familiar face to the team’s faithful - Jerome Myers - is rumoured to be the starting goaltender this season after a stellar season as now-alumnus Bradford Larson’s backup, with Freshman Blake Walton waiting in the wings for his own chance to make a mark as Myers’ backup.

From what coaches Tonya Santana and Amber Shaw have suggested, the team’s depth this season is stellar, with a strong veteran-led backbone bolstered by the incoming Freshmen forwards. Trainer Erik Meyer - yes, that Erik Meyer - has assured fans that centreman Jimmy Skinner will be raring to go once the season starts after spending the summer recovering from a knee operation. “We’ll know for sure once he hits the ice for the preseason, but I’m confident that he’ll be more than ready to go on the 25th.”

Those are all familiar names to the Falcons’ faithful, however; the intrigue, of course, lies at the feet of the incoming players. Only one Freshman is a familiar face in the area, as Edward Newman - forward for the cup winning Redlands Academy Thunderbirds - is rumoured to be taking the ice for the home-opener on the first line alongside fellow newbie Bud Blackwell and third-year Cody Lara. We asked both Newman and Blackwell how they were feeling coming into their inaugural season at NRU, Newman seemed confident, telling us that “[...]It’s definitely a boost joining a program that’s got a history of success, you know? Like, these guys made the playoffs last year, and even though they got put out in the first round, it gives you hope that you can come in and make a difference in your first season.” Blackwell - a Canadian import - was a touch more reserved about how he might make an impact: “I’m gonna be honest, it’s a little nerve wracking coming out here.. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a privilege that the coaches have enough faith in guys like me and Newsy to have us on the first line from the get-go, but given North River’s reputation, it feels like there are some pretty big shoes to fill.”

The captains, nearby when the freshmen were providing their interviews, weren’t shy about welcoming their new teammates into the fold, with renowned prankster Alex Winters providing the initiation shaving cream pies to both the forwards.

Also adding depth to the forward depth chart, freshmen Bobby Wilson and Clarence Brandt were both a bit more relaxed upon their arrival at the rink for the team’s first practice. “I watched highlights of last season when I was figuring out what school I wanted to go to, and, man, it wasn’t even a contest. These guys had everything last year: scorers, playmakers, grinders. It’s exciting to have a chance to fill whatever role needs filled once we all start gelling, you know?” Wilson’s eagerness has clearly rubbed off on his line-mate, Alex Walton - brother of backup goaltender Blake - who seems to have regained his excitement for the season ahead after last year’s heartbreak, “We’ve got a good bunch of guys, and as long as they don’t let Blake touch the ice,” cue the laughter from the younger Walton, “I think we’re gonna have a hell of a season.” 

A bit more reserved and quiet than the centreman Wilson, Brandt has the air of a sleeper agent. The winger himself seemed to agree, “People look at me and don’t think much. They see a smaller guy, a younger guy, a quiet guy. Makes them think they can run circles around me. I like to prove to them pretty quickly that just because I’m a third or fourth line guy doesn’t mean that I’m a pylon.”

The more familiar faces, the sophomores and juniors of the team, are filled with determination, Head Coach Tonya Santana assured us. “Losing in the first round is obviously a sore spot. The guys who were out there know that they’re better than that, and hopefully with some of our new additions it’ll be an extra push for our veteran guys to make it all the way this year.” While some additions have been made, there are, naturally, some missing faces from last year’s roster; notably absent is former first-line centre Nicholas Buckley, though the rumour mill does little to reveal whether that was a personal choice on Buckley’s behalf or whether he simply failed to make the cut.

With last season’s early playoff exit now firmly in the past, we can only hope that the Falcons take the ice in October with renewed energy, more than ready to prove to their opponents that they weren’t just a one-off contender. Fly high, Falcons.

Myrna Shepherd is a fourth-year Journalism student, with publications in both the North River Newsletter and the Bear Mountain School For Girls school newspaper. 

UNASKED FOR MAGNUS THEORY #4: THE SILENT

This week’s theory is one of my more self-indulgent. It’s also probably being proven wrong as I type. So if you see this and you’ve listened to MAG 181 already, try not to laugh at me too badly. I just want to get it down before I have to refile this Google Doc under “dead wrong” tomorrow.  What is this crazy, semi-coherent theory you ask?  Well? Basically I think Adelard Dekker, Mikaele Salesa, Gertrude Robinson(?), Gerard Keay, Christopher Meyer (and maybe the coroner’s uncle from MAG 36 and Alard Dupont) might have been part of an underground society that figured out how to weaponize the powers by fragmenting/channeling multiple entities at the same time - evading attention while manipulating things to their own end.

Read on for my decent into madness. 

EXHIBIT A: The Key of Solomon. Acquired by Gertrude Robinson in 2007, The Key of Solomon caught my eye with the following passage - found on a torn scrap of paper found by The Archivist in his exploration of the tunnels under The Magnus Institute (MAG 70): “They have for adversaries the Satariel, or concealers, the Demons of absurdity, of intellectual inertia, and of Mystery”. While I don’t think actual demons will come into play this late in the game, this is a very interesting quote taken from a book that we later learn was “one of the few volumes that contained elements from several powers” (MAG 80). In that same episode Leitner confirms the book was destroyed after proving itself to be too volatile, but could it be Gertrude learned a few tricks before disposing of the thing? The person who told Jurgen Leitner about the books called them “coded spell books”, and while Leitner seemed dismissive of this description, I wonder if there’s a kernel of truth in the simplification. 

EXHIBIT B: We know that opposing powers can cancel each other out. Gertrude used a man touched by The Vast to stop The Buried’s ‘Sunken Sky’ ritual. Heck, she contemplated using Gerry to stop The Unknowing because of his affiliation with The Eye. The Ceaseless Watcher has trouble seeing anything to do with The Dark, etc., etc., but what happens when you combine three or more powers? Answer: silence. Like Smirke’s buildings, and Breekon & Hope’s depot after it’s been cleared out - places where multiple powers interact are described as empty. Silent. Almost as if they can’t exist in one space without creating some sort of self-destructive feedback loop. Is it so impossible to think someone with enough canny could channel that? Use it for their own purposes? EXHIBIT C: Adelard Dekker. In MAG 63 whilst trapping the Not-Them in a table, the statement-giver observes that Dekker’s lips were “moving rapidly though no sound came out of them”. In other words, he was silent. Somehow managing to wield a power strong enough to actively contain the creature. It’s potentially a stretch, but Jon also notices Not!Sasha has torn strips of paper when he goes rifling in her desk (MAG 57). We know that Not!Sasha went poking about the tunnels as well. Is it possible she also took interest in the remains of The Key of Solomon? Was she trying to understand or gird herself against whatever had left her vulnerable when she was bound? 

[Archivist’s Note: Dekker is also described as wearing an outfit similar to the one Gerry Keay is found in when he arrives at St. Thomas’ with Diego Molina. It might be a bit on the nose to assume there’s a uniform if these folks are as organized as I’m making them out to be (they could be completely free agents who stumbled on the same hack), but I’m also not saying there isn’t.] EXHIBIT D: Gerry Keay’s poster. One of the first times we see our collective dead gay goth son (MAG 4) the statement giver comments on a poster supposedly painted by Mr. Keay bearing the caption: “Grant us the sight that we may not know. Grant us the scent that we may not catch. Grant us the sound that we may not call”. Tacked onto the bottom of a giant eye, the painting seems to only lend itself to one entity, but we know Gerry never fully gave himself to The Eye and the caption seems to speak to concealment. To silence. Even mysterious scents seem to be a reoccurring phenomena in the Magnus universe in places touched by more than one power. Did he know more than he let on when he met Gertrude? Do I maybe just want his last thoughts to be more resonant? “[His mother] would not claim his last moment. He was silent” (MAG 63). 

EXHIBIT E: When Gerry wakes up in St. Thomas he’s missing both a red-leather bound book, and a brass amulet (I need to make a separate post about how I think brass is used to trap/contain the entities at some point), but for now I’m mostly interested in the fact that he tells the nurse ‘Yes. For you, better beholding than the lightless flame” as if he has a choice. As if he has any modicum of control on what happens next. 

CONCLUSION: This tinfoil hat really is tight. I might have to have it surgically removed. I know I didn’t really get into how Salesa is involved (really, it’s mostly because Annabelle Cane has taken an interest), or how I think he was meeting Alard Dupont in 1982 when Trevor Herbert killed him, or that I suspect if Gertrude was part of the gang, she went rogue and Salesa (and maybe Adelard?) faked his own death when they realized she was more of a threat than an ally. As always, I am very much aware that I’m probably over-complicating things and just need to go take a nap.  SUPPLEMENTAL: I lied. I’m going to give a quick and dirty version of why I think brass is a method of containing the entities here: 

1. Gerry’s brass pendant (MAG 12).  2. Brass grate covering the entrance to the Serapeum of Alexandria (MAG 53)  3. Brass boxes in Christopher Meyer’s house, holding assorted artifacts touched by the entities (MAG 60) 4. Brass urn requested by John Amherst (MAG 36) - this one’s odd because it’s requested by John Amherst, but if the coroner’s uncle who seems to know more than he’s letting on is a part of this same secret society here, Amherst might just be taunting him. Rubbing his face in it, as it were.  5. The Sarcophagus wrapped in copper bands (MAG 64). Copper, yes, but brass is an alloy made from combining copper & zinc, so this might just be an early attempt.  6. A brass handle is on the door containing the first victim from MAG 86, Tucked in. It is worth noting that the statement giver here, was convinced someone else had been in the house before he called the police. A belief that is ignored/dismissed. Could it have been someone we know trying to trap the beast? SUPPLEMENTAL TO THE SUPPLEMENTAL: In MAG 95, Basira is seen reading “Introduction to Alchemy” - talking about Venus and the various  properties of copper. If there is something here, is she hip to the trade secret? She’s certainly extremely good at being silent/popping up without people noticing her, but I have no idea if it’s intentional, or if she’s just stumbled across something. Seriously, if you’ve made it this far, thank you for listening to my TED talk. You’re awesome. I’m insane, and I don’t know how the eff you pulled something sensible from that cesspool of text. but it’s fun not to be in this alone!  Cheers

Frozen Within the Night Wind: Jasper Hale x Fleur Swan, Chapter 10

None of the characters in Twilight belong to me, all rights go to Stephenie Meyer.

"Having you close My head is damaged I get closer, everything trembles me

Now I have the certainty That I have not lost the desire Wake up with you in the morning But I'm looking for your gaze And your eyes, baby, don't tell me anything."

Nuestro Planeta by, Kali Uchis Featuring Reykon. Translated lyrics.

Jasper, Jacob, and I were all standing in a large field awaiting the arrival of Bella and Edward. The very field we were standing in would be the battleground between us and the newborn army.

"Hey, le... Fleur?" Jacob asked."

"Hmm?"

"Why haven't your diluted eyes at all? They still look like a rose." Jacob observed.

"I mean it hasn't been a full year yet."

"Yes, darling but... they should've at least diluted a little by now, amber should start to peak through." Jasper added.

"That's strange...I haven't had any human blood I swear."

"Yeah right..." I heard Jacob mumble.

"Oh shove it, Jacob, at least I'm not in the middle of a toxic, manipulative, love triangle."

"Can it leech. You know nothing about Bella."

"Keep telling yourself that."

Before Jacob could rebuttal, Edward and Bella finally showed up. Edward didn't look thrilled at all and Bella had a blank look on her face.

"I don't like this idea at all." Edward grumbled.

"And we need you for the fight but you aren't coming to that so...tough, get over it." I rebutted.

"Leave him alone Fleur...he's doing it for me. Bet Jasper hasn't done that for you." Bella said a dreamy look was in her eyes.

"Uh...he didn't have to, because I didn't cause chaos where ever I went and didn't piss off nomads you dumbass." I heard Jasper let out a short laugh.

"Wait, pretty boy isn't fighting, aww did you pull a muscle?" Jacob mocked.

"Can we get on with this... I wanna be anywhere but here." I interrupted.

"Whatever, just tell me the plan." Jacob said.

"Edward and I are going on a campsite, even if he carries me they’ll still pick up our scents." Bella explained.

"Your stench, however, is revolting." Edward interrupted

"Dude, you really don’t wanna start comparing stinks." Jacob snapped

"What he means is that your scent will mask mine if you carry me," Bella said.

"Done."

"This is not a good idea."

"You've already established that Edward," I said.

"Edward, they won’t wanna get anywhere near his... odor." Jasper carefully.

Jacob picked Bella up before saying... "Odor-de-wolf comin’ up."

Edward glared at me when Jacob was gone. Jasper noticed this and tensed up.

"You need to stop talking to her like that!"

"Like what? Truthfully, honestly?"

"It's not truthful it's insulting!"

"Dude...have you been living without any of your senses? The amount of shit she has said and done to me is a lot more disgraceful than how I am acting. Like I am petty, I know I am, but her pretending to be all innocent is hilarious."

"Oh please..."

"Okay so when she insults me and brings up that my mother completely hates my guts it's fine but when I rebuttal it's like I'm opening the gates of hell huh?"

"You don't know anything about her... she isn't malicious!"

"You sound just like Jacob."

"Don't even compare me to that...fleabag."

"What are you gonna do about?" I said he then got up close to my face, he looked like he was going to hit me.

"Don't test me Fleur... I will put you in your place if I have to."

"I'd love to see you try...boy." Jasper said getting between the two of us.

Edward snarled at us and walked away, stalking off to the far side of the field.

"Man... being a vampire has definitely amped up my attitude. Good thing you're here to stop me from doing something stupid." I joked.

"I think you're spending too much time with Rosalie darlin." Jasper said, smiling at me.

"This whole love triangle thing makes me want to set myself on fire. I kinda feel bad for Jacob...I know she's just manipulating him."

"I wouldn't put it past her darlin."

"I really wish we didn't have to do any of this...we should be getting married right now... not fighting a battle they could possibly be getting us killed." I confessed.

"Well one, we just have to wait until November... and two we will be fine, we've been training all this time."

"I know but...it's still a terrifying thought, this is the first fight I've ever been with another vampire."

"Did you forget about James love?"

"Well... with me as a vampire."

"You're going to be fine... Alice told me the vision she had of you fighting James, you cracked his skin by throwing a rock.... if you're that strong as a human I'm scared to see what you can do as a vampire."

"Okay, okay... stop trying to boost my ego." I said smirking, I pulled him in using some of my strength. I kissed him before pulling apart, biting his lip to tease him."

"You're cruel darlin, just cruel... Oh forgot to say something..."

"What is it?"

"Bella and Edward got engaged."

"Oh my god... are you serious?"

"Yeah, and Alice said they planned on eloping in Vegas."

"She must be really angry with those two..."

"Actually, she isn't really that mad."

"Okay, what happened to Alice?"

"I think she's starting to get a little... annoyed with Bella."

"It was bound to happen... Dad is going to kill Edward."

Edward ran toward us again and told us to be quiet. Before I could ask why Bella and Jacob came back into view.

"Well Jasper and I will do a quick sniff check... you three can stay here and.... mingle." Before they could protest we took off into the woods.

"The stench is revolting."

"It is pretty bad."

"I can't make up any Bella though, so the plan worked."

We quickly ran back down to the field, both of us had stepped down off of a broken tree laying on the ground.

"Just picked up wolf stench, no Bella." Jasper stated

Timeskip: 2 hours later

I was waiting for Alice in the Cullen's house, knowing that Alice told dad we were all going on a camping trip. I thought it would be good if we all hunted before the battle to power up. I needed all the strength I could get.

"I swear if Bella and Edward do anything in our room I am going to kick Edward to the moon." I grumbled.

"Don't worry Fleur...I'm sure Edward won't do anything." Jasper reassured, a guilty look was on his face, however.

"You threatened him didn't you?" Not buying his innocent act.

"Yes, yes I did."

"Alright everyone, we can go!" I heard Alice say outside, Dean, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Esme, Carlisle, and I all made our way outside quickly.

Timeskip: 6 hours later

"Damn Emmett, at this point you're going to put bears into extinction."

"Serves them right short stack."

"Dude I am 5'9, that's pretty tall for a girl."

"But pretty short for someone who's 6'5."

"Oh shut it and hit your head in the doorway again."

"Darlin, if he keeps doing that the support beams are going to give out in the house." Jasper added.

"Nah they'll be fine, he's as tall as a support beam." I joked.

"Can't wait to kick some newborn-vampire ass," Dean said, jumping up slightly in excitement. Alice giggled and wrapped her arms around him

"Are the newborns still making their way to the field Alice?" Carlisle asked.

"Yes, they should be here at 5:15 pm tomorrow."

"We'll be ready," Carlisle said.

"You guys go ahead in, I need some quiet. I'm going to try and track Victoria."

They all nodded and went inside, I saw them all however observing me through the glass walls."

I got into my trance, rolling my eyes behind my head and I was flying through the city once again. I stopped in an underground tunnel, the likes of which was located in Seattle. I finally found her, she was talking with that man that turned me... the name I finally found out to be Riley Biers.

"You’re not coming with us?" He asked angrily.

"It’ll be a last-minute decision. I told you how it works." Victoria replied she seemed bored.

"The Cullen’s have powers according to one of your friends," Riley said skeptically.

"Yes, my friend told me... my DEAD friend. Don’t underestimate them, Riley. One of them made me have hallucinations of my friend. You’ll have the numbers, but they’ll be able to anticipate your every move. You don’t trust me do you?"

"I trust you with my life. I’m just saying…"

"I’m doing this for us so that we can feed without their…retaliation and I can’t live in fear anymore waiting for them to attack."

"I won’t let them. I’m going to end the Cullen clan. I swear."

I broke out of my trance before I could get anything else out of the conversation. I rushed inside, eager to tell them what I found.

"It was Victoria guys!" I said.

"What? I would've seen it." Alice replied.

"She was hiding behind that kid, Riley... She's letting him lead the army to us..."