my brain is so full of fuck tonight

i cant rant abt this on tiktok they want tof ucking kill me but holy shit is anyone else fucking tired of how many people behave as if ian being bipolar is the end of the fucking world? like there are so many fucking edits where its ian exhibiting BD traits with mickeys reactions and shit and its so fucking annoying as if mickey didnt STAY WITH HIM? not just that, fucker, he dealt with ALL of that and found out why and he did his fucking DAMNEDEST to help EVERY FUCKING WAY HE COULD hello what is wrong with you why are you using the stupid fucking "i dont recognize you anymore" sound SHUT THE FUCK UP ‼️ FUCK. mickey CHOSE ian WITH all of his symptoms FUCK you guys FUCK off jesus CHRIST

I always feel like everyone is staring at me when i go for a walk its so horrible i always think they hate me or they're laughing at me ToT

“Did you get enough love? My little dove… why do you cry?”

I feel like that torture stretch rack from medieval times would fix me

ppl dont understand how much euphoria it brings me when someone uses "they/them" pronouns when referring to me. especially after being called she/her all day at work and being actively misgendered as if my identity is just internal and like it doesnt exist. its the lil things ig, the one online friend in a gc using they yesterday made me feel so good cause, like no one has used my preferred pronouns in a hot minute.

idk i always feel like its not like i wouldnt be comfortable using she on occasion, i feel as soon as you tell people a gender they understand irl (most cis people ive came into contact w) they just jump to that one because its "easiest". like what about the "she/they"s and "he/they"s!!! yall are beautiful and i love ur pronouns and AND i make it a point to variate them for you!! CAUSE IT MATTERS!!!

bestie my pronouns are not supposed to be for your benefit of "easiness. " my entire experience of realizing i dont want to associate myself with my assigned gender WAS that shit.

i am genuinely so tired of my dad's gambling problem and im so annoyed at how im not allowed to get angry about it ever bc its "not our money" (the casinos give free money to start every week or whatever)

He made a HUGE fuss abt not wanting to take me to the book store and out to lunch yesterday bc it would take too long and he was going to have a big dinner later, and the only reason i agreed to do it today is bc he waved the promise of lunch + bookstore AND a haircut at me today. i never get to leave the house because my life revolves around him already so of course this is a big deal to me.

Only to change his mind the very last second bc he wanted to go to a fucking casino. This happens so often. I am so sick and tired. My autistic ass goes fucking insane when plans are changed like this and now this and I'm . so...

which joker out members have a deep and unhealthily personal attachment to the noah kahan song the view between villages and which of them are normal

sometimes I get worried that whatever is wrong with me will kill me and the thing is it’s not an unfounded concern and that’s what really scares me

update

i know i haven’t been posting much these days but literally the last month and a half i think? is a blur. i’ve been super depressed and crying a lot these days. mom’s still in the hospital, she still needs time to get better. it’s hard seeing her in such bad state whenever i visit. i miss her and i wish i could do more for her. we can’t even talk properly due to how badly she relapsed again. i was thinking i’m more prepared this time bc it happened last year, but turns out it doesn’t get easier. i’m trying SO hard to keep myself together, i have 2 dnd campaigns right now to have something to look forward to, we start a second one this weekend. i’m just like. so tired. there is just so much to do on top of my regular responsibilities. i still didn’t process last year i think, bc it was just constant bad bad bad situations.  my partner helps me out so much but i also feel so terrible bc i’m literally crumbling and breaking down. his support, my friends, my cat and my meds are what is holding me still together, somehow. i just miss drawing, miss creating and just being a person. i feel like i’m just not there most of the time.

work is stressing me out so bad.can we please get rid of retail jobs. no one needs to buy anything ever again its okay

me: im visiting home this week!!!!! :))))))

me: im visiting home this week.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

heyy i’m sorry ur not doing so well lately :(( wanna talk abt it ? i’m here if u need me !

but OMG I NEED A GUY LIKE UR BF BRO YOU GOT SO LUCKY 😭😭🫶🏻🫶🏻

aww its not ur fault :(( thank you ,, ill come around to you eventually !! i have my friends n bf to help me though everything ,, and men has been a help recently !! T_T .

ALSO LIKE AHCKDKOS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH DUDE <//3 . IDK HOW OMG .

i hope colt likes me. i have so much love to give him. i hope he doesnt mind i have so much... wrong with me. i hope he doesnt get too annoyed when i turn into a star or when i get scared or when i go nonverbal after a flashback. i hope he'd still hold my star form very close to his chest and tell me it's all gonna be okay and that he'd protect me and i'm safe.

i hope he likes it in the mojo dojo casa keri ken dreamhouse. ken stocked the place with drinks and games and snacks and a big welcome banner. i hope he gets along with driver and K... im always hoping those two can make more friends. i hope he tolerates me even when im Like This. i hope he doesnt mind when i ask for a hug multiple times a day bc i dont have anyone to hug at home. i hope he understands why i ask for reassurance that he wouldnt hurt me. maybe ken welcomes him into the group and has to give him a little rundown on how things work. like... what they all do when their girlfriend turns into a star, how they can make her feel better, how long a flashback lasts, where shes okay with being touched and where she isnt, that her jolting awake from a nightmare is normal and spending a full day crying is normal and stress vomiting is normal and she might need a lot of emotional support with all of that. i hope colt doesnt mind. he seems kindhearted and understanding. i want to hope he'd be okay with me being Like This.

i hope he likes me. im so damaged and scarred and have been poisoned to fear my loved ones, but i know im so full of love and i want him to have all of it. even if he doesnt love me back i just hope he can accept a piece of my heart is reserved just for him. i wanna hold his hands and tell him i'm sorry i'm like this. i used to be so fun and bubbly and trusting and i used to love myself. i don't know where that girl went. i don't know if i can get her back but i'm really trying. in the meantime i'm sorry he's stuck with this mess. and selfishly i hope he still likes me even when i'm unlovable, or at least that is what i have been taught to believe for so long now, and i don't know how to believe anything else about myself. i love him so much. i love colt so much. i dont feel anything except self-loathing when i look at him, for months since october when the first few photos leaked, it's always felt that way, like my heart's been ripped out of my chest. like i rly love him so much but i dont think he'd tolerate me. i didn't use to feel that way about my F/Os but now i cannot look at myself as anything except a total wreck that they have to deal with. like loving me is some... some herculean task and that they would just absolutely hate it. like loving others is so easy for them but not when it comes to me. kindness comes so easy to them but not for me, like im. just. built to be loved only through violence. like there is no other way for me to be loved unless if im getting hurt. but... hopefully when the movie comes out i could slowly get into the rhythm of associating him with myself and with him being really loving and gentle and protective with me.

I keep hating myself for neglecting my big projects for so long some of which I intended to start years ago. maybe once I get home from this walk I'll whip myself into shape and actually get cracking on my comic thumbnails so I feel like I'm actually doing something with my life