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wangxianficfinder · 4 months

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In the mood for...

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1. ITMF a fic where the Lans or the neis or the cultivation world in general find out about the abuse wwx takes at jiang sect and the other sects trying to help him @zerokogane

Warming up (to him) by barisan (T, 9k, LQR & WWX, WangXian, Hypothermia, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Temporary Character Death, Medical Inaccuracies, YZY Abuses WWX, JFM Bashing, pre-wangxian, Good Uncle LQR, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort) I have recommendations for the 1st one where Lan Qiren steps in!

Rediscovery, Reconstruction by ExtraPenguin (M, 27k, JFM/WWX, LQR & WWX, WWX/OC(s), rape/non-con, underage, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Rape Recovery, bildungsroman, Self-Discovery) tw for csa and rape, this one makes the abuse even worse but it's a wonderful fic about Lan Qiren stepping in to save Wei Wuxian (also has wwx/original character)

Blooming Bruises on my Soul and Body by xxxMiaHikarixxx (T, 13k, WangXian, Living on Streets, psychological abuse, WWX being a protective brother, JC being a protective brother, Good brother JC, Good brother LXC, Happy Ending, Angst With Some Comfort, Physical Abuse, Neglect, LXC is a Wangxian supporter, LWJ is whipped, Hate Crimes, multiple POVs)

🔒💙 Holding shreds by barisan (T, 5k, WangXian, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, No Sunshot Campaign, Body Swap, Not for sexy shenanigans, Chronic Pain, Hurt WWX, Hurt LWJ, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Abusive YZY, Bad Parent YZY, Bad Parent JFM, Good Uncle LQR, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Inaccuracies, POV WWX, Angst with a Happy Ending, Jiāng Family Bashing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Getting Together, Smart WWX)

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2. Hi! Now that I finished my exams 😭, I'm ready to read a lot of new Wangxian fics! ❤️

So, for the next ITMF, I was thinking in fics about:

A) The Lans (LQ, LXC, LWJ or any Lan) looking for WWX in the burial mounds after he saved the Wens, bc they need his help. And then the Lans decided to help WWX after watching the truth.

B) Or the Lans visiting WWX bc LWJ said WWX didn't have any army and when they understand the truth, they decided to help WWX and the Wens.

Plus if there is a Wangxian weeding 😍. Please happy ending in both cases. 🙏

Thank you so much!! Love this blog 🤗💜

@wangxiansgirl

2A)

Weep You No More, Sad Fountains by athena_crikey (T, 59k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Fix-it fic, Whump, Curses, Fever, Delirium, Stabbing, Loneliness, Confessions, LXC realising sympathy is not support, LQR Being an Asshole)

2B)

Discordant Rhapsody by nirejseki (T, 49k, LQR & WWX, wangxian, JC & WWX, WQ & WWX & WN, LWJ & LQR & LXC, canon divergence, fix-it, hurt/comfort, trauma, politics, protective LQR, protective LWJ, protective WWX, LQR centric, whump, angst)

🔒 the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break by RoseThorne (E, 91k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Soulmates, Self-Esteem Issues, Fix-It, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, PTSD, Handfasting, Panic Attacks, Getting Together, First Time, Aftercare, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, /Referenced Torture, Scars, Chronic Pain, Golden Core Reveal, First Time, Switching, sex-related injury, LWJ Stays at the Burial Mounds, LSZ is a Wèi, Good Sibling JC, Dissociation, Burial Mounds Settlement Days)

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3. hii! i hope you guys are doing well <3! I've been in a nhs mood, and I was wondering if you have any recs with nhs and wwx friendship, fix it, canon, anything works! i read the one in your last itmf i think, and I'm just craving more of those two! thank you in advance! @flexible-racoon

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4. ITMF a dead dove focusing on CQL nieyao's age gap @crypticidentity

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5. Itmf canon-compliant ish fics (not modern setting) where the first thing Wei Wuxian does after coming back from the dead is run straight to Lan Zhan? Thank you!

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6. HIII is there any good arranged married Wwx and Lwj? Or maybe they're married fr and they have A-yuan as their son? @naoenowa

True Gold Fears No Fire by defractum (nyargles) (M, 69k, WIP, WangXian, Royalty AU, Ancient China, Wuxia, Historical Inaccuracy, Arranged Marriage, Identity Porn, Mutual Pining, Emperor!LWJ, empress!wwx, Eventual Happy Ending, Misunderstandings)

Into the Oubliette by Ruixx (M, 124k, WIP, WangXian, Growing Up, Fix-It of Sorts, Arranged Marriage, Time Travel, Sibling Bonding, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Canon Divergence, Light BDSM, Breathplay, Wwx protection squad, Sunshot Campaign, War Politics, Hostage JYL, Visions, LXC Redemption, general lwj, Internal Sect, Politics, Good Uncle LQR, Lan OC’s, No Golden Core Transfer, Empire Building)

🧡 hypothetically, of course by johnnyfucksup (G, 22k, WangXian, Arranged Marriage, Character Study, Kinda, Inter-sect politics, a little bit, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Strangers to Lovers, Getting to Know Each Other, Falling In Love, The Mortifying Ordeal of Falling In Love With Your Betrothed, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, very awkward ones at that, Slow Burn Speedrun)

A Wonderful (business) Arrangement by Orchidaisy_55 (E, 58k, wangxian, JC/NHS, LXC/JGY, JYL/JZX, Arranged Marriage, Modern, A/B/O, True Love, First Love, Mpreg, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Domestic Fluff, WWX is LSZ's Parent, mentions of miscarrage, Anal Sex, secondary sex characteristics, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Unplanned Pregnancy)

The Ties That Bind by silverclaw (G, 43k, wangxian, A/B/O, Arranged Marriage, Modern, Alpha WWX, Omega LWJ, past toxic relationship, Slow Burn, husbandiest of husband material WWX, mention of mpreg in relation to side-character, hurt LWJ, WWX falls first AND harder, No Smut)

After I Met You by Amandyalmonds (M, 78k, wangxian, Dragon LWJ, Fox Spirit WWX, Canon Divergence, Royalty AU, Slow Burn, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Madam Yu's A+ Parenting, Protective WQ, Protective LWJ, Canon-Typical Violence, Unreliable Narrator WWX, Arranged Marriage, Miscommunication, Autistic LWJ, WIP)

Cultivator Lan's Wedding by squishh (Not Rated, 14k, wangxian, LXC/QS, Arranged Marriage, hidden identity, Nobleman Ryu's Wedding AU, slightly more based in historical reality, still xianxia tho, Wife swap, Slow Burn, Bisexual WWX, Demisexual LWJ, No War AU, No Yīn Iron, WWX's canonical backstory - mostly, YZY is slightly less abusive, still abusive tho, JYL not engaged to JZX, Canon-Typical Violence, No homophobia as a form of self-care to the author, Happy Ending, JC and WWX have a much better relationship here, POV Alternating, POV LWJ, POV WWX, Crossdressing, Historical Fantasy, WIP)

🔒 it's just a little white lie by MohnDoe (T, 1k, wangxian, Inspired by a Reddit Post, Modern Setting, Arranged Marriage, WIP)

Not Lost, Just Undiscovered by anancites (E, 107k, wangxian, Modern, Arranged Marriage, Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, Eventual Smut, Eventual Romance, Idiots in Love, Mildly Dubious Consent)

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7. Fics which go with the lyrics: " These days, I'm way too lonely

I'm missing out, I know

These days, I'm way too alone And I'm known for giving love away, but

I want someone who love me

I need someone who needs me

'Cause it don't feel right when it's late at night

And it's just me in my dreams So I want someone to love, that's what I fucking want "

Song: that's what I want, by Lil nas x

All the ways that you remain by Spodumene (G, 23k, WangXian, Modern AU, Canada, Romance, First Meetings, Cottagecore, There Was Only One Bed, Mention of Parent Death, Getting Together)

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8. itmf fics where wwx hurts lwj (emotionally or physically)

Over the Rotted Bridge by vailkagami (T, 314k, WangXian, Temporary Character Death, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, LWJ dies, Wei Wuxian doesn’t die, neither do (most of) the wens, JYL also lives, Original Character(s), outside pov, YLLZ WWX, Canon Divergence, CQL Verse, Illustrated, Grief/Mourning, Non-Consensual Resurrection, mute LWJ, Hurt LWJ, Slow Burn, canonical death of a child (mentioned), Survivor Guilt, PTSD)

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9. ITMF heavy angst BUT I don't want it to be whump

Twin Demons of Mò by XiaoFeiFei (ArfBarkWoof) (M, 358k, MXY & WWX, wangxian, JL & MXY, XY & MXY, JGY & MXY, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Injury, Abuse, Death, Twin Demons of Mo AU, MXY Lives, Major Character Injury, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Minor Character Death, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Minor Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Torture, Near Death, Near Death Experiences, Canon Divergence, Self-Harm, Found Family, Sexual Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, POV Alternating)

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10. ITMF a fic where wwx died in the past and then lwj waits for him to reincarnate and lives into the modern world where they meet again but wwx doesn't remember until later (or its fine if he remembers too )

based on a photo on Pinterest whose link ill paste cos I can't attach photos for some reason in the ask

Thanks again! Ly guys! @maurader--here

All Old Things are New Again by The Feels Whale (miscellea) (M, 51k, WangXian, XuanLi, ChengQing, Reincarnation, Modern AU, canon still happened, extreme post canon, Sugar Daddy, Kink Negotiation, gentle dom!LWJ, canonical levels of consent play, Modern Cultivators)

the recluse at the end of the moonlit path by beesinspades (T, 28k, WangXian, Modern AU, Reincarnation, Post-Canon, Jack of All Trades Artist WWX, Immortal! LWJ, Mutual Pining, Light Angst, Reunions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Asexual Character, good vibes, [Podfic] the recluse at the end of the moonlit path by b_ofdale by Beria1021)

🧡 We Were Never Strangers by NeverEnoughWangxian (M, 36k, WangXian, Reincarnation, Modern AU, POV WWX, (mostly), College Student WWX, Rogue Cultivator WWX, Immortal LWJ, Immortal LSZ, Dreams, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Sexual Tension, Sexual Content)

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11. Hello! Any fics where LWJ is shown to bond with animals?

No specific animal, just that it treats LWJ a bit specially or listens to him etc.

Thank you for your work!

in the arms of the angel by ScarlettStorm (E, 37k, WangXian, Modern AU with Magic, Fox WWX, animal rescuer LWJ, Comedy, Smut, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Adhd WWX, the mortifying ordeal of getting your head stuck in a peanut butter jar) it sort of fits bc lwj is in animal rescue & has some powers to make the animals feel calm & safe!

Lan Zhan's University Days (JAFFY) by sami (T, 10k, WangXian, Modern AU, Kinda, cultivated to immortality, University, outsider pov, Wei Wuxian is a chaos gremlin, ridiculous future bullshit wwx vs Local Culture) Sami's Lan Zhan's University Days from ridiculous future bull series. The cows in the farm and in later rfb glimpses with various baby animals

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12. IMTF: I recently finished the WIP “Horseshoes and Hand Grenades” by Phantomhill which was amazing and hilarious. I’m now itmf any fics with the same premise of bringing the original Yiling Patriarch forward into the modern era, preferably without relying on reincarnation for the other characters. Any ships acceptable except self-insert. Thanks! @jensownzoo

结局难更改 (the ending is hard to change) Series by PorcupineGirl (G, 50k, WangXian, Time Travel, Modern with Magic, Modern Cultivators AU, Canon Divergence, Time Traveler WWX, discussion of canonical character deaths, conveniently localized fires, Discussion of Canonical Suicide Attempt, mostly happy but slightly bittersweet ending, Reincarnation, LWJ POV, Established Relationship, Aromantic JC) might fit as it involves WWX ending up in the future instead of falling to his death

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13. Hello all, sorry if this ask is too explicit 😳

I’m looking for fics where Wei Wuxian has a small penis and Lan Wangji has a big one 🍆

Love me some size difference

Thanx in advance

The Damage You Do by stiricide (E, 104k, WIP, WangXian, Modern AU, Dom/Sub, Dark LWJ, Mobster LWJ, Possessive LWJ, Sex Worker WWX, Sugar Baby WWX, WWX adopts LSZ, Dubious Consent, each chapter has sex tag notes on it, BDSM, Sounding, Panic Attacks, Angst with a Happy Ending)

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14. Do you have Yunmeng bros reconciliation fics that have reverse golden core reveals (wwx finding out about jc getting captured in his place). Angst is fine :)

Thank you!!!! <;3 @twlaei

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15. For the next ITMF can i get fics where LZ plays their song before an audience while wy watches speechless? It could be a recital, it could be a party, it could be a wedding...it just has to have lz playing his heart out for WY while an audience is present.

LZ could be singing or playing any instruments like violin, guqin, piano etc.

For example, drag my teeth across your chest (by ana_cp) - violin. // last part in a FF post ~Mod L @imstillthinkingaboutithmm

Talisman by Witch_Nova221 (M, 192k, WangXian, Modern AU, Eventual Romance, Theatre, Rock Band, Childhood Friends, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Spousal Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Stalking, Minor Character Death, Friends to Lovers, Orphans, Mutual Pining)

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16. ITMF for...

Fics when either WangXian or any other pairing (bonus if it's a rarepair or the Juniors are involved) are discovered by someone walking in on them? Even more bonus if WangXian are together and it's them walking in on someone! Thank you! @fomalhaut48

I spy by Anonymous (E, 9k, wangxian, Voyeurism, Masturbation, Rough Sex, of the wangxian kind, Pseudo-Incest, is it uuuuh incest if one spies on their adoptive parents, the juniors get more than they bargained for, Blow Jobs, Face-Fucking)

Countless Roads by SunBlueSun (E, 5k, wangxian, Accidental Voyeurism, Switching, Versatile | Switch Wangxian, Porn with Feelings, Minor Original Character(s), Love, hanguang jun has flowers in his hair, POV Outsider)

Friends with Great Benefits by FrameofMind, Jo Lasalle (Jo_Lasalle) (E, 15k, wangxian, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, First Time, virgins, Voyeurism, Accidental Voyeurism, Semi-accidental voyeurism, WWX's canonical heteronormative assumptions, cutsleeve awakenings, Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, (it depends on who you ask))

a new light by museaway (T, 2k, wangxian, Accidental Voyeurism, Post-Canon, Established Relationship, POV Outsider, Canon Compliant)

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17. Itmf wwx is in a slump, depressed, burnt out, breaking down, etc and lwj swoops in with tender loving care to pull him from his slump.

12 Hours In Hell and Paradise (Or: Lan Zhan’s Distinguished Guide to Seasonal Depression) by demonicsalad (T, 4k, wangxian, Modern, Friends to Lovers, Developing Relationship, Mental Health Issues, Neurodiversity, Love Confessions, POV LWJ) Not quite what OP on 17 asked for, it's from LWJ's pov and primarily his struggles, but it is cute fic about both sides of WX battling seasonal depression and comforting each other

总有一天; a place to hide (can’t find one near) by yiqie (E, 76k, WangXian, Modern AU, Pianist, Getting Together, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, Hospitals, Overdosing, Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Additional Warnings In Author's Note)

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If you didn’t get an answer to your ask here, don’t forget to make use of @mdzs-kinkmeme and MDZS KINK MEME on Dreamwidth. Authors actually do use them for ideas. You may get what you order!***Your prompt doesn’t have to be kink! Fluff, crack, whatever - it’s all good!***

#wangxian #mdzs #wangxian fic recs #i'm in the mood for a fic #the untamed #wangxian fic search #wangxianficfinder #long post

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insoukokuhell-434 · 8 months

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Chuuya Takes Care of Dazai Fics

Includes:

Emotional Hurt/Comfort (long term & immediate)

Physical Hurt/Comfort

The format I’m using is:

Title - writer (ao3 link) Fic length Time period (teen/mafia skk, 22! Skk, all ages) Additional tags (Tags in bold added by me for extra info) TW

Some fics have parts of the summary/ comments added for additional info

Emotional Hurt/Comfort

Long Term (multiple instances)

hey look, the sky's falling apart - saffroncassis

24.8k TEEN SKK (16/17) AU - Canon Divergence Protective Nakahara Chuuya, Angst, Fluff, Humor, Developing Relationship Found Family (the Akutagawa siblings, Oda's kids, Kyouka, Oda, Ango) TW- Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse and discussions of both these, also cw food for the whole fic

Summary - "At age 16, Chuuya defects from the Port Mafia and drags his partner with him not so much kicking and screaming as silently begrudging, and the rest follow suit in time."

Mostly Chuuya helping Dazai, but Dazai supports him too <33

[Really realistic depiction of the relationship between a depressed person and their supportive partner!]

For the Record - zombiemarker

19.1k TEEN SKK AU- Spies & Secret Agents + Physical Hurt/Comfort Nightmares, Childhood Trauma, they get all dressed up and go to a gala, Implied Sexual Content, Fluff & Angst, Literal sleeping together, Getting together, First kiss, Developing Relationship TW - Blood and Violence, Childhood Trauma

From tags: "Chuuya's a government experiment, Dazai's been with Mori for years, they've both got trauma now"

Mostly Chuuya helping Dazai, but Dazai supports him too <33

A mouth to empty into - series by osamuchuu

Not listing all 4 fics cause this post is already so long, but they’re all amazing pls go read them!

The series depicts depression + CSA trauma so well!

This is my favourite -

Love is not a victory march - osamuchuu

8.7k 22 SKK Soukoku taking care of each other, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Mental Illness, Depression, Drug Addiction, Blood and Injury, Healing, Recovery, Soukoku Tenderness, Light Angst TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide References and Attempts, Addiction, Drug Use

believe me darling, the stars were made for falling -communist_sasuke

14.6k ALL AGES Worried Chuuya, Love Confessions, Dazai is a Mess, Angst, Self-Harm , Fluff & Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon timeline, First Kiss, TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide Mentions , Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt

Trust Fall - insi

3.5k ALL AGES (Dark Era, Post-Dark Era, 22 SKK) Emotional Constipation, Mental Health Issues, Dazai has issues TW - Implied/Referenced Suicide & Self-Harm, Suicidal ideation

From tags: Chuuya has met Dazai on the rooftop many times throughout knowing each other.

Immediate

Emotional H/C

Even the Darkness We're Watching Is So Beautiful - NastyaEx

4k 22 SKK (post-109) bsd 109, Fluff, Dazai Needs a Hug, Dazai is a Mess, exhausted dazai, dazai cries but only a little bit, Cuddling & Snuggling, Sharing a Bed, Soft skk, Dazai centered, yosano is a bit here and she's great

I'll Make A Home In Your Gut Because its Somewhere Warm to Sleep - arahabakii

8.9k 22 SKK Fluff, Angst, Mutual Pining, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Making Out, Getting Together, Domestic Fluff, Touch-Starved Dazai, Dazai needs a hug, Chuuya needs a hug TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide References

stay- neon_toad

4.6k 22 SKK (pm!skk flashbacks) Suffering Dazai, Dazai Needs a Hug , Dazai is Bad at Feelings, Oblivious Dazai Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hugs, birthday, Birthday Presents, soft skk TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide References

where are you? - doeinstinct

2.8k 22 SKK Depression, Disordered Eating, physical symptoms of depression, Mentions of past self harm, m because they shower together, canon adjacent, meal replacements, Love Confessions, They're In Love Your Honor

Run Away With Me - Anonymous

5.3k Dark Era Grief/Mourning, Dissociation, Suicidal Thoughts, Soft Soukoku, Dazai Needs a Hug , Dazai Has Feelings, Pining, Cuddling & Snuggling, Sharing a Bed, Chuuya Needs a Hug, Kissing, Dazai asks Chuuya to run away with him

stay the night - Shinkirou

3.6k 22 SKK Gen or Pre-Slash, Developing Relationship, Character Study, Sharing a Bed, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Dazai's depression

Physical Hurt/Comfort

Fool for loyalty, or some other word - osamuchuu

1.7k Dark Era Aftermath of Torture, Blood and Injury Light Angst, chuuya deals with so much tbh, what a champ, Fluff and Angst, Pre-Relationship, Established Relationship, chuuya being Dazai's nurse because he absolutely was Dazai's angry nurse

under wraps - Coffeebiscuits

5k Post-Dark era + Emotional hurt comfort Love confessions, deep talks, Light angst, Fluff and angst, kissing, crushes, sharing a bed, Suicide, Self-Harm, Tending to Wounds TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide Mentions, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm

From tags: “basically chuuya has to patch dazai upand they talk about some things they need to discuss”

Chuuya also gets some emotional comfort

EXHAUSTION

So if you go too far I'll be there - Kimisu

2.5k 22 SKK - Pre-Fyodor | Cannibalism Arc No Plot/Plotless, Literal Sleeping Together, Some Fluff, Canon Timeline

From Summary: Based on a HC that Dazai spends days before every major arc planning and arranging the pieces in order for everything to 'work'. He also pushes his body limits a bit too far when doing that sometimes.

SICK FIC

Nothing More Important Than You - StormDew2

3k MAFIA SKK (15) Sickfic, Soft soukoku, Vulnerability

Please like/reblog if this helped u find a fic, I'd be delighted to know asjsj <3

“Dazai takes care of Chuuya” recs here

Fic rec masterlist here

#soukoku #soukoku fic rec #skk #skk fic rec #soukoku fics #skk fics #really hope the categorizing makes sense!#didn't know how else to do it ;-;#15 in total :D #sierra’s recs #edit: added 'where are you'#Sierra’s posts 🌸

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stitch-in-stitches · 1 year

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Fear Like Maggots

A TM(N)T fic by me for @nerves-nebula 's au!

TW for: Intrusive thoughts, mentioned cannibalism, discussion of CSA, rape flashback (non-graphic), suicide attempt, self harm, blood, emetophobia (non-graphic), implied incest (because intrusive thoughts), sympathy for former abuser (Leo's good in this one Donnie just Has A Moment), referenced child abuse. lmk if i missed anything!

(yes the ending sucks im bad at them leave me alone /lh and the answer to the ending (in my heart anyway) is no, not on purpose.)

#rottmnt #tm(n)t #teenage mutant neglected turtles #rottmnt fanfiction #rottmnt au #listen i know i should probably put tws in the tags but that takes so long and i have a migraine #tws are on the main post so just. be cautious #im gonna take a nap now because i started this thing from scratch and it took me 2 hrs to finish #ive had this migraine for 4 #i better wake up to HEAPS OF PRAISE (/j)

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flowers-that-sing · 9 months

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"baby, if it feels good, then it can't be bad"

(a post s3 steve harrington songfic based on Gibson Girl by Ethel Cain)

TWs// sexual content, dubious consent to put it lightly but it's more implied to be sexual assault, past csa, grooming, it's not super detailed (the csa much less so, and told through memories where steve doesn't even exactly know what's happening), but like. you know. it's pretty bad. referenced physical abuse. referenced past incestual sexual abuse. alcohol consumption, smoking. lightly implied drugging.

also, disclaimer: this is all told through steve's eyes—the way he sees things is very warped, his relationship with sex is unhealthy to say the least, and just because he's saying he feels good does not mean that anything that happens in this is good. it isn't. nothing about this is good or healthy at all.

She approached him in the dark behind the bar, where Steve was half-considering lighting up in spite of his promise of quitting to Robin. He had drank enough that it didn't seem to matter. She had leather pants on, and sunglasses, despite the dark.

"Corey Hart fan?" he asked lightly. She didn't bother to answer.

"Just saw you leave the bar. I'm glad you stuck around."

Steve didn't recognize her, and she didn't seem to recognize him either. She was dragging her eyes across his body, and Steve was suddenly all-too conscious of his scars on display, his sweat-melted hair wax.

He was sick of it, he was sick of feeling ugly, and this girl had desire in her eyes. Steve was craving desire.

And he was craving thrill. His thoughts had been rapid all week, his body more fidgety, his stomach constantly filled with bees and his energy so high he hadn't needed more than a couple hours of sleep a night. He had so much time in every day, but nothing to fill it with besides the monotony of work, and he needed adrenaline. There weren't any monsters to fight now, and there weren't any basketball games to play since high school, and he needed the feeling. The melting, excruciating, nauseating excitement, racing heart, the feeling of something about to happen, the fear, the risk.

"You came alone to me—from however far away," he mused, lighting his cigarette, delicately placing it between his lips, exhaling into her face.

"How'd you know?" she asked with a grin.

You're all the same.

Steve shrugged. "Lucky guess."

She stepped in, so he could feel her breath on his face. "You gonna buy me a drink?"

Steve put the cig out on his thigh. He didn't feel the burn. "I was just about to ask."

If I'm still walking straight, I need another drink anyway.

They went inside together, sat back at the bar. Steve opened a new tab.

By the time he had a glass of whiskey in his hand, she had a hand on his thigh. She didn't even pretend to drink the vodka she'd ordered, and he was still downing his last gulp of whiskey when she pushed it into his hand with a little half-smile. He drank it.

The lights were bleeding all over him.

He felt a hand in his back pocket, and when he looked up, she was pulling cash out of his wallet.

You wanna love me right now?

"You wanna get alone with me?" Steve asked. Her eyes were bright, and she nodded, pulling him to his feet and all but dragging him out of the bar. He wasn't exactly sure when he'd gotten there, but he was in the trunk of a car, the backseats folded down to make room. "You wanna get my clothes off and hurt me?"

He hadn't meant to say 'hurt.' But she just laughed and grinned, and ripped his clothes off.

☤

"Baby, if it feels good, then it can't be bad," Lynn says. Steve's eight now, beginning to question if it was wrong. He's remembering his Sunday school teacher talking about how nakedness was wrong, or something. And a new word, he doesn't know what it means. 'Chastity.'

Lynn's touching him, she says it's to make him feel good. He doesn't really know how he feels. It reminds him a little of his grandfather, but Lynn's a woman, and she's not family, so it's different. It's better. If he closes his eyes and lets himself sink into it, he likes it. Is he supposed to like it? Lynn says he's supposed to like it.

He tells her he does, and opens his eyes when she's done, and she's smiling. She promises him a new teddy bear. But for right now, it's his turn to make her feel good.

☤

Steve likes to think he's a good person now, but he knows he's still a whore, and he can't deny the high that comes with being immoral in a stranger's lap. He's kissing over her chest and grinding down onto her leather pants, and she's digging her nails into his back. He still doesn't even know her name. She doesn't know his. Maybe it's better that way.

She hasn't taken off more than her shirt still, but he's fully naked. It's dark, the only light coming from a dim greenish streetlamp outside the car, and he thinks maybe she can't see his scars, but she's running her hands over the scar on his chest, from where the Russian guards had cut him open. She looks at it with something he can't quite decipher. It almost looks like fascination, but he knows that isn't it. Her eyes are wide, her pupils dilated.

Ah. Desire.

"You know, I was serious about hurting me. You wanna add some more?"

☤

"I'm in love with your body. That's why I'm fucking it up." Steve listens to Lynn's voice from where she sits on the back of his legs. He is on his stomach, face turned to the side so he can breathe. He can’t see her. He sees his disorientingly patterned wall. He smells rosewater and orange zest, and his head feels fuzzy. Something hurts. Everything hurts. He doesn’t think about it too much. He just focuses on the warmth, the heat from the points of contact between him and his babysitter, the sweat in the backs of his knees, on his upper lip. The bedsheets are damp. It’s itchy.

☤

Steve tasted his own blood on her teeth as she bit his upper lip. He was starting to see colors in the spaces where she'd been after she moved. And then his face was between her thighs, and when had her pants even come off at all? His heart was racing, exactly like he'd wanted, and his body was wracked with tremors. He listened to the music coming from her lips, the moans rising from her chest, and his heart leapt. I did that. I'm making her feel good.

His arms felt a bit numb as he reached up to rub his thumbs into her hips. She was panting hard, and he was giddy.

"Oh, fuck—you really are special, baby," she hissed.

Steve's eyes widened, watered, and he whimpered against her.

I'm special. She said I'm special.

Steve was going to ride this high for at least a week. He was desirable, wanted, special. He basked in her attention, even if he knew he wouldn't see her again after tonight.

He felt like he was being shown something he could never have. Something he'd searched for all his life. For a second, he could pretend it was love. Love for his brain and his scars and his body. Him taking all of her attention and giving back anything she wanted in return. Just to feel special. He'd do anything.

Because that's what love was, right? Love, want, attention, specialness, was just tied to sex. Maybe his parents didn't love him since they couldn't fuck him. His grandfather loved him, his babysitter loved him, and for one night at a time, anyone could love him. And growing up, it was the only way he was really touched, with affection, at least. In ways other than a beating.

He knew that wasn't right, because him and Robin loved each other. He loved the kids—never in that way, ever, and he still loved them. It was a different kind of love. But then, it was another different kind he was looking for, anyway. Maybe he was ungrateful. But he was hungry for attention, for someone to call him special, to want him around, he was starving for it.

His thoughts weren't making much sense anymore.

She was holding him in her lap, his boxers were back on, he was resting his head on her shoulder. He assumed she'd finished at some point, he didn't remember, and he knew he hadn't, but he hadn't really wanted to anyway.

He was drooling, and he couldn't stop himself, and he couldn't see much, but her body was warm. He crawled closer, squirmed in tighter. It felt good to be held. He felt good.

He woke up almost naked on the sidewalk in the sun with drool pooling at his chin and the rest of his clothes on a pile next to him.

19 notes · View notes

this-world-of-beautiful-monsters · 2 years

Text

LGBTQIA+ Raph fics

Based on an Ao3 request; limited to pre-2k18 fics as per specification. You can also find this list and others here.

The Chronicles of Karai Getting Her Shit Together by Crowdog @50-shades-of-cloaca - 2012 AU centered around Leorai, but also include Ace!Raph (tw violence, past csa, trauma, underage/rape-noncon, internalized ableism, self-harm, suicide attempt, nonconsensual drug use, torture)

Your Heart's Desire by Werepirechick - Rasey AU about groceries, holy water spray bottles, and the dangerous of summoning while drunk (tw violence)

De Novo by hummerhouse @hummerhouse - Slash finds Raph at Northampton and sets about turning his world upside down (tw explicit, past violence)

Call Me What I Am by Kyn - A "surprisingly unsexy" intersex!Raph story where a stomach bug takes on strange new dimensions, and the fallout sends the family reeling (tw gender identity issues, underage rape/noncon, trauma, violence)

vulnerable by coffeeandcream - Raph doesn't know how to deal when Casey is gentle (tw insecurity, sexual content, intimacy issues)

A Collection of Raph & Casey Shit by coffeeandcream - Fluffy little stories about the street punk and the mutant turtle (tw explicit)

Kiss by melismatic - Casey and Raph debate the meaning of a first kiss

resolution by taizi @taizi - Raph welcomes in the New Year with Casey

well suited by taizi @taizi - Casey and Raph make a try at normalcy

Panda Wolves by Crowdog @50-shades-of-cloaca - Strange dreams force the Hamato to take a dark trip down memory lane; background Rasey (tw underage rape/noncon, csa, gaslighting, child abuse, attempted child murder, trauma, violence, bathroom issues, victim blaming, nonconsensual drug use)

Misdirection by thekumquat - Casey and Raph find revelation through miscommunication (tw light violence)

The Bandana by TMNTFOREVER666 - April discovers a secret; gnc/possibly trans/unclear Raph (tw misgendering)

fowo's TMNT universe by fowo - A series about Raph struggling to figure out his feelings for Casey; includes themes of asexuality (tw awkwardness, discussions of bigotry; the third story includes trauma, major character death, and grief)

Casey Trips and Falls... In Love by coffeeandcream - Casey and Raph's "friends with benefits" relationship takes on new dimensions (tw explicit, awkwardness, relationship angst, insecurity, self-esteem issues)

Winner Takes All by Adoradork for Duz-Machines-1984 - Raph and Casey engage in some rough games (tw explicit)

What Doesn't Kill You by ladycyon - Raph tries to hide his heartbreak at Casey's wedding (tw one-sided relationships, alcohol, unhealthy coping mechanisms)

Mixed Signals by ladycyon - Casey figures out the reason behind one of Raph's less human habits (tw implied sexual content)

"Chapter 3" from TMNT Smut Dump by suthnmeh - A brilliant piece of Rasey art (tw explicit)

Rough and Dirty by orphan_account - Casey and Raph get dirty in multiple ways (tw explicit)

Hobo Au Caseyraph by dragona15 - Art of Raph receiving comfort from an unusual source (tw implied homelessness)

Raph✘Casey | "La La Love" [HBD Justy!!] by Ransy - A magnificent Rasey tribute (tw flashing)

You're Fine by leones @leonsi - Raph visits Casey in the hospital and tries not to crumble (tw sickness, fears of major character death, referenced panic attacks)

Say My Name by LeeontheNeon - Shot of pure Rasey fluff

this art by snuffed - Crack AU where Rasey runs headfirst into the Twilight cover

our love is a forest fire by taizi @taizi - Raph gives Casey a place to rest (tw implied alcoholism, tw past child abuse, injury)

oh, but I'm not bitter. i'm just tired. by leones @leonsi - Leo's brothers help him with a breakup; featuring bi Raph (tw past family dysfunction)

"Alcohol" from ABC TMNT by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Casey and Raph celebrate a fight and make a discovery (tw alcohol, past violence)

"Enemy" from ABC TMNT II: Out Of The Ooze by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Casey won't let Raph go again (tw mind control, violence)

"Eulogy" from TMNT ABC IV: Turtles Forever And Ever And Ever by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph's boyfriend and friends help him find some closure with a long-ago loss (tw grief, past homelessness, trauma, past violence, implied ableism)

"Intruder" from TMNT ABC IV: Turtles Forever And Ever And Ever by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph's family learns about a change in his relationship situation (tw violence, nightmares, trauma, implied child abuse, implied sexual content)

"Tastes Like Blood And Tears" from Underground Rainbows by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - 50 sentences about Casey and Raph (tw child abuse, abuse, major character death, blood, violence, sexual content, homophobia, speciesm, trauma, crying, alcoholism, torture, mpreg, amnesia)

Merry Fucking Hangover by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Insight into the turtles and their friends on Christmas morning, including background Rasey (tw implied sexual content, implied family dysfunction, drug and alcohol use)

"Bloody Kisses And Fierce Hearts (Red)" from Covered In The Colors, Pulled Apart At The Seams by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph will do anything to save Casey, even when Casey doesn't ask for it (tw past violence, past gore, past child abuse, sexual content, past homophobia, slut shaming, past underage prostitution, past domestic abuse, mentions of alcoholism, blood)

Fallen Angel by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - AU where Hun brings home a trapped turtle for his criminal gang and equally trapped son (tw child abuse, violence, bigotry, slurs, suicidal thoughts, torture, dehumanization)

"I is for...." from Rainbow Soup by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph breaks the rules to take part in a pro-intersex rights demonstration (tw implied nonconsensual medical procedures, bigotry, fears of violence)

"White bodies naked on the low damp ground" from The Waste Land by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph and Donnie a special kind of heartbreak at the end of the world (tw horror, major character death, violence, apocalypse, grief, trauma, gore, corpse desecration)

"I never promised you an open heart or charity" from The Red Room (The Bloody Chamber) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph remembers a lost love while in the hands of a monster (tw torture, mind control, underage rape/noncon, blood, knives, sexual assault, humiliation, emotional/psychological abuse)

"There are loud toys" from "All are welcome and all have a home in the toybox" of The Red Room (The Bloody Chamber) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Casey is a dick, as usual (tw explicit)

"In public" from "Embrace" of We All Need Someone To Lean On by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Casey and Raph work out an awkward, but not-unbearable means of avoiding discovery via cuddles

Yo Woody by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Mikey writes Woody letters from Northampton; features background Rasey (tw implied csa, implied underage rape/noncon, family dysfunction, trauma, past mind control, past violence)

My Flesh To Rule by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Casey engages in a difficult, but necessary procedure (tw transphobia, harassment, brief slut shaming, abortion, accidental pregnancy, implied sexual content, medical procedures, anti-abortion sentiment from minor characters)

"First Dates" from sweet creature (we're running through the garden) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph and Casey head out on a perfectly normal patrol together

"Red Lipstick" from spice up your life (who would want anything else?) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Casey dresses up for the night and Raph takes notice

not gonna write you a love song by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters for leones - A story about genderfluid!Raph working out platonic desires and aromanticism with Casey's help (tw sexual content, brief internalized arophobia)

apathy's a tragedy (and boredom is a crime) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - In which Casey, Mona, and Raph deal with memes and bondage (tw explicit)

it's important to hold on (hold on) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Little Mermaid AU where Raph ends up saving a reckless human (tw blood, injury, near death experiences, emotional constipation)

"soulmates" from with friends like these, who needs by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph's an aromantic person with a soulmate, and he and Casey have to deal with that (tw insecurity)

"forbidden/star-crossed romance" from with friends like these, who needs by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph is called to serve in a moment of need

Turtlecest (wasn't sure if this counted for request, included it separately)

Casting Stones at the River by GoblinCatKC @goblincatkc-blog - Raph and his lovers reckon with the passage of time and how it refuses to touch them (tw tcest, explicit, family dysfunction, possible abuse, violence, mental health issues, explosions, apocalypse)

Blackout by Queen_B - The turtle family play a game of hide and seek with steamy stakes (tw explicit)

Past to Present by crabapplered - Raph and his family welcome Donnie home (tw explicit, past violence, internalized ableism, trauma, family dysfunction, past separation)

A Different Path by VenusTheMarvelTurtle - Raph finds his heart dangerously tangled up with that of Leonardo, the Foot clan's most ruthless warrior (tw explicit, torture, past child abuse, child abduction, violence, mental health issues, trauma, suicidal thoughts, torture, rape/noncon, past csa, toxic relationships, alcohol, vomit)

Twisted Autumn by GoblinCatKC - Leo and Raph try to discover who they are together (tw explicit)

Broken Brother by Koalagriton - Leo finds an unconventional way of calling a brainwashed Raph home (tw explicit, alcohol, mind control, identity issues, violence)

Haunted by Kiraynn - Raph does his best to help Leo recover from an ugly experience (tw past rape/noncon, trauma, explicit)

Evolution by Kiraynn - A timeline of Leo and Raph's slowly developing relationship, through the lens of a shared bed (tw explicit, underage/underage)

Hello by Gemi - Raph has an unusual encounter in the jungle (tw guns)

Release by Blackdragon @blackdragon-sama - Leo gives Raph the support he needs at the farmhouse (tw injury, trauma)

Gravid Problems by Gemi for Blackdragon - Raph and Leo try to figure out a sticky new situation (tw mpreg, sexual content)

Push and Pull by orphan_account - Raph has a willful brother to tame (tw explicit)

Abyssal by orphan_account - Raph experiences something awful and Leo tries to help him through (tw explicit, rape/noncon, near-death experiences, trauma)

The Games We Play by babygirl127 for hummerhouse - Raph tempts Donnie into a game (tw explicit)

Usually, Don plus bed plus moaning was always a good thing. by turtlesketches for DashWrites - Raph tries to help Donnie through a difficult time (tw explicit, mpreg)

Focus by babygirl127 - Raph and his brothers teach each other about focus (tw explicit)

Colorful by Anonymous - Raph needs to watch his smart mouth, but Leo doesn't mind (tw sexual content)

Uncover by orphan_account - Raph and Mikey negotiate the rocky new world of spanking (tw explicit)

Running Scales by orphan_account for InkyTurtle (Melodistic) - Dirty little stories about Raph and his brothers (tw explicit)

To Give by orphan_account - Leo and Raph put on a show for their family (tw explicit)

Lick the Bowl by Plastron - Donnie discovers Raph is up for licking a lot of things (tw explicit)

Raphael and Donatello by RomaMarufixx - A collection of sexy Raphtello stories (tw explicit, some fat shaming)

Eggs by squishyturtlefuckfics - Leo pushes Raph's limits (tw explicit)

Handyman by Plastron - Donnie pushes himself too hard and Raph takes advantage (tw explicit)

"The Secret" from The 100 by Alessa_DC - Raph and Donnie reel from a revelation

Raphael/Donatello Mating Drabbles by Plastron - A collection of both steamy and warm-hearted stories (tw explicit, mpreg, dubious consent, body image issues)

Lava Cake by orphan_account - Mikey and Raph figure each other out with food

Fair's Fair by TheAlchemistsDaughter - Leo provides certain services for the family, but Raph wants to give back (tw explicit, insecurity)

Same Coin, Different Faces by orphan_account - Raph and his brothers work out cross-dimensional sexual tensions (tw explicit)

The Red Herring by orphan_account - Raph tries to handle losing Leo, his soulmate (tw family dysfunction, relationship issues, shame, trauma, separation, not-actual character death, grief)

Montage by hummerhouse @hummerhouse - Sexy stories about Raph and his brothers (tw explicit)

Stolen Time by GoblinCatKC @goblincatkc-blog - Leo has a strange request for Raph (tw shame, mature/explicit)

Libido in Question by Bad_WolfGirl - Raph and Donnie team up to prove the strength of Raph's libido (tw sexual content)

Drawing the Short Straw by squishyturtlefuckfics - Raph and his brothers play a game (tw explicit)

Kink-Off by Stegosaur - A collection of Kinktober stories, many of them starring Raph (tw explicit)

Primordial Monsters Get Good Coverage by orphan_account - Casey gets caught up in Leo and Raph's game (tw explicit, possible dubcon)

To Succumb by orphan_account - Mikey helps Raph test his limits (tw explicit)

Unwanted Bonds by Blackdragon @blackdragon-sama - Raph is brought him with heavy scars (tw explicit, trauma, child death, forced pregnancy, PTSD, depression, medical torture)

Forever is a Long Time by DuzMachines1984 (orphan_account - A collection of interwoven stories about Leo and Raph's relationship (tw explicit, trauma, dubcon, rape/noncon, abuse)

Party Time by orphan_account - Raphael is offered up at a party (tw explicit, alcohol)

The three times Raphael swore he was being stalked by Languidly - What it says on the tin, to the tune of Leo and Raph's developing relationship (tw nonconsensual stalking)

Burning Alive by spaze_cat - Raph and Donnie through interlinked stories about fire (tw injury, mentioned explosions, implied sexual content)

He Doesn't Scream by GoblinCatKC @goblincaveofficial - Leo and Raph's relationship takes a strange term (tw explicit, dubcon)

Someone Has a Choking Kink by glitch0_0 (orphan_account) - Raph lends Leo a helping hand (tw explicit, consent issues due to heat)

The Hots by Languidly - Raph can't keep his eyes off of Leo (tw explicit)

"Honor and Courage" from Everybody Wants Leo by Alessa_DC - Art of Leo and Raph together (tw very explicit)

Send Your Lifeboats Out For Me by Crowdog @50-shades-of-cloaca - Raph, Mikey, and Donnie try to figure out one of Leo's secrets (tw rape/noncon not between main characters, child abuse, victim blaming, genital mutilation, torture, trauma, violence, explicit)

The Driver's Seat by hummerhouse @hummerhouse - Raph and Leo fight over who gets taken for a ride (tw explicit, dubcon)

At Odds by hummerhouse @hummerhouse - Donnie tries to figure out his warring brothers; chapters 1 and 4 are particularly Raph-centric (tw explicit)

Doctor Donnie by PrincessFreak - Donnie pushes his brothers' medical limits; chapters 1, 4, and 7 are Raph-centric (tw explicit, dubcon)

Aggressive Empathy in the Abyss (AEITA) by Gemma Winchester (PrincessGemma12), PrincessGemma12 @princessgemma12 - Pieces of Leo and Raph's relationship unfolding in the shape of something awful (tw past underage rape/noncon, consensual underage, trauma, explicit, unhealthy coping mechanisms, flashbacks, psychological trauma, recreational drug use, PTSD)

Good as His Word by hummerhouse for NeatTea @neattea-ruby - Raph finds himself losing a high-stakes bargain with Leo (tw explicit)

Three Days Later by what_should_i_post_here - Donnie finds his place in Leo and Raph's relationship (tw explicit)

Hindsight is Twenty-Twenty by Crapapplered - Leo and Raph wage a war with Donnie serving as the battlefield (tw explicit)

Drabbles and Slash by her_silhouette - A collection of drabbles frequently centered around Donnie/Raph (tw explicit, relationship issues, shame, mind control, mpreg)

Full Throttle by Dorkjitsu - Donnie and Raph find new uses for Raph's motorcycle (tw explicit)

Erogenous by Kiraynn - Raph won't leave Leo in peace (tw explicit)

Heart to Heart by Crapapplered - Leo helps Raph when he worries about taking advantage of Donnie (tw mature/explicit)

Stairway to Heaven by Crapapplered - Casey, Raph, and Don share something special (tw explicit)

Rope by Crapapplered - Donnie is caught off guard by what Raph, Mikey, and Leo are up to behind his back (tw explicit)

TLC by Crapapplered - An injured Raph receives a very special kind of comfort from Donnie (tw injury, explicit)

Christmas Shopping by Crapapplered - Raph and Donnie go shopping together

Nara Black: Mirror's Shadow In My Skin by crabapplered, GoblinCatKC @goblincatkc-blog - Raph and his brothers desperately try to outrun a curse (tw violence)

Punishing Raphael by hummerhouse @hummerhouse - Raph gets punished for coming home late (tw explicit, dubcon)

12: Raph and Leo dirty talk HCs. Someone had to ask. <3 by Blackdragon Sama - An insight into Leo and Raph's sex life (tw explicit, mock-possessive behavior)

Raph 18 by Blackdragon-sama @blackdragon-sama - Further insights into Raph's desires (tw explicit, dubcon)

Broken words - Leonardo, with this, this, and this related art by blackdragonsama @blackdragon-sama - Leo and Raph form a dark pact (tw sexual content, blood, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, intense self-harm imagery, mental health issues)

Black Swan by hummerhouse @hummerhouse - Raph and Donnie's relationship takes a strange turn during a harrowing captivity, complicated by the presence of Agent Bishop (tw imprisonment, threatens of torture, molestation, rape/noncon, dubcon)

Knock Off by PrincessFreak - Raph struggles with his feelings for Donnie (tw internalized homophobia, misogyny, toxic masculinity, sexuality crisis, gender roles)

Leoweek RxL by NeiNing - A fan comic about Raph helping Leo out during his heat (tw dubcon, very explicit)

Trust by Kamefootninja (Kame630) - Raph learns to let Leo take over (tw explicit, phobia mention)

Show Time by Caroaimezoe - Raph witnesses something odd and it has reverberations through his relationship with Leo (tw explicit, relationship angst, insecurity)

The guilt you dont deserve [comic] by Traitmill - Raph comforts Leo after a painful experience (tw trauma, gore, explicit, guilt, blood)

Midnight Bargain by GreenElphaba - Leo and Raph find a kind of balance in their seemingly endless power struggle (tw explicit)

The Toll of Hours by GreenElphaba - Raph sits up by Leo's side and tries not to fall apart (tw injury, blood, trauma)

Let's go hunting by NeatTea @neattea-ruby - Sequel to Donny needs some love (that story has some dubcon); Leo and Raph share a special experience in a lake (tw explicit, mild near-drowning)

Losing All Control by renk3r - Raph tries to figure out what exactly irritates him about Leo (tw sexual content, mature)

Do you feel it? by Riu_wiu - Raph helps Leo come to terms with his guilt over their relationship (tw shame, relationship angst)

Self-Control by hummerhouse @hummerhouse - Raph doesn't want to be patient anymore, much to Leo's chagrin (tw explicit)

Chocolate by Kiraynn - Leo is the center of a mystery that Raph wants to solve

An Eggplant Among Pickles by Crowdog @50-shades-of-cloaca - The turtle brothers test each other's limits (tw explicit, dubcon)

"Raph" from I Routed a Labyrinth To Your Lap by orphan_account - Mikey gives Raph a special gift (tw explicit)

Quotes by what_should_i_post_here - Drabble collections from various turtle pairings (tw relationship angst, grief, loss, trauma, separation, explicit)

Bonsai by crabapplered - Leo works to change Donnie's role in the family, and Mikey and Raph take notice (tw explicit, grief, objectification)

You Are Shellarious by PrincessFreak - Raph has a strange reaction to his brothers' colorful language (tw sexual content)

Secondborn by SuuriSakara - Raph has his own way of dealing with Leo's return from Japan (tw explicit)

On the Fence by GoblinCatKC @goblincatkc-blog - Mikey gives Raph a very strange gift (tw extreme dubcon, sexual content)

Tmnt Exchange Art by Kitsune1818 for Caroaimezoe - Leo and Raph walk a dark path together (tw blood, injury, implied sexual content)

A Bet's a Bet by PrincessFreak - Raph owns up after losing a bet with Mikey (tw explicit, mild dubcon, homophobia, misogyny)

"Day 1 - Mikey/Raph - Rimming" from Taste Our Sins by squishyturtlefuckfics - Mikey irritates Raph by drawing things out (tw explicit)

My Good Girl (I) and My Good Girl (II) by squishyturtlefuckfics - Raph loves to play Leo's games (tw explicit, mpreg mention)

My own worst enemy by Caroaimezoe - Raph is determined to teach Leo a lesson (tw explicit, dubcon)

Kalamari by GoblinCatKC @goblincatkc-blog - Leo and Raph get very creative escaping a dangerous situation (tw sexual content, captivity, dirty jokes, threats of violence)

Notes on the Fridge by Geaven - Donnie, Raph, and their extended work things out over the fridge (tw sexual humor)

By Your Side by Kiraynn - Raph gives Leo the support he needs at Northampton (tw trauma, past violence)

Jungle Fever by Elphaba-Rose - 2007 AU where Leo and Raph end up in the jungle together and matters take a vastly different turn (tw explicit, violence, injury, savior complexes, mild dysfunction, blood, brief references to rape that doesn't involve either character)

Raphael x Leonardo drabble set by Goblin Cat KC @goblincatkc-blog - Raph tests Leo's limits after winning a late-night battle (tw mature, sexual content, possible dubcon)

story about SO3E01 by @ringingt - Leo awakens from his coma in a surprising way (tw surprise kissing, mild near-drowning)

yay! headcanons unite! by @blackdragon-sama - Headcanons about Raph being intersex; a possibly better term for this specific content might be dualsex, I'm not sure (tw sexual content, accidental voyeurism, inadvertent coming out)

come back for us by @blackdragon-sama - Raph tries to call Leo home (tw implied sexual content, mpreg, mind control)

Play Pretend by @blackdragon-sama, Elphaba-Fae - Leo and Raph try to find each other in the shadow of terrible things (tw explicit/mature, underage rape/noncon, csa, mutual dubcon, torture, emotional manipulation, painful sex, trauma, victim blaming, child abuse, blood, imprisonment)

meditation session by Spicyturtles - A comic about how Raph won't let Leo meditate in peace (tw explicit, possible dubcon)

Never Have I Ever by what_should_i_post_here - Secrets are unspooled during a drinking game (tw alcohol, implied sexual content)

30daysOTP SlashRaph by dragona15 - A collection of beautiful and steamy art (tw explicit)

Calm down. .Just Relax. by @ringingt - Raph and Leo on a rooftop (tw implied sexual content, possible dubcon)

We Care For You by Seigaku - Art where Raph's family shows him a special kind of support (tw explicit, background angst)

Mikey's first time by anomalae - The turtle family takes the virginity of one of their own (tw explicit)

luv ya bro by P-Jo Art - Comic where alcohol loosens Raph's tongue in the most awkward way (tw alcohol, underage drinking, homophobic language, possible internalized homophobia)

RRR/L by Navia - Art of a multidimensional Leoraph tryst (tw explicit)

Raph x Mike - Tight by EnclosureOfFish - Art of Mikey and Raph together (tw mature/explicit)

tmnt SxR hoboRaphau by dragona15 - Art of Raph having a highly charged encounter with Slash (tw explicit, implied homelessness)

Your argument is invalid by P-Jo Art - Comic where Raph goes to unusual lengths to get Leo to shut up (tw surprise kissing)

This art by languorous-sky - Raph and Leo mess around with rope (tw explicit, choking)

let me help you by Spicyturtles - Fan comic where Donnie gives Raph an offer in the shower (tw explicit)

Summer Home by spaze_cat - Leo and Raph come to an understanding on a trip to the seashore (tw light relationship angst, mentions of pregnancy)

kink sketches by @blackdragon-sama - Collection of Leoraph art (tw explicit)

those eggs by @blackdragon-sama - Art of Raph being disciplined and undone (tw explicit)

Beyond Our Control by SadoraNortica - The turtles get stuck in the past and have to deal with oncoming mating season (tw fears of child loss, explicit, consent issues due to heats)

Somewhat by Gemi - Raph and Donnie find their way towards perfection (tw injury)

Worth It by Kaliopeee - Leo catches Raph off guard (tw explicit)

I never had you down as... by @blackdragon-sama - Raph gets roped into the family entertainment (tw explicit, dubcon)

Close Shave by squishyturtlefuckfics - Mikey and Raph take advantage of surviving a dangerous situation (tw explicit)

Lure Rebound by Various - A magnificent Leoraph art collection (tw explicit, angst, separation, blood, dysfunctional relationships)

My Nightlight by squishyturtlefuckfics - Raph gives Mikey some much-needed comfort

Summer Blow Out Sale by Winnychan, xkingofgamesx - Donnie and Raph navigate the harrowing world of online shopping

How could he not? by ItsMickeyYouAss - Raph can't keep his eyes off of Leo

Visions: One Word Prompts by Gemma Winchester (PrincessGemma12) @princessgemma12 - A collection of 50 sentences from different AUs, with heavy Leoraph throughout (tw implied rape/noncon, implied incest, teen pregnancy, identity issues, addiction, food insecurity, animal cruelty, blood, child abuse, implied underage rape/noncon, implied csa, gun violence, trauma)

Slave by Spicyturtles - A Raph/Donnie comic with heavy BDSM (tw explicit)

The Violence in These Delights by Sundayeyes - Raph and Donnie make a discovery about what they're both capable of (tw explicit, choking)

Jinkyo by Caroaimezoe - Raph races to save his brother from an ugly transformation (tw violence, rape/noncon, consent issues, mind wipes, identity issues, possession, blood)

[title unknown] by buttmagoo and nicecentrifuge - Raph can't get away from Mikey right now, and doesn't really want to (tw sexual content, mature/explicit)

According to deviantArt, it’s buttmagoo’s birthday. by @nicecentrifugre - Some sexy art based on sexy fics I, unfortunately, haven't been able to find (tw mature explicit, discipline)

Mikey/Raph, an AU where one of them is physically a girl and the other one finds out. by @nicecentrifuge - A trans!Raph AU where Mikey stumbles onto his secret (tw menstruation, accidental outing)

Fortress by @nicecentrifuge - Raph and his brothers try to survive the end of everything they've fought for (tw torture, mutilation, rape/noncon, underage rape/noncon, abuse, emotional manipulation, unhealthy relationships, nonconsensual drug use, trauma, family dysfunction, blood and gore, medical issues, unhealthy coping mechanisms, mental health issues, possible Stockholm Syndrome, grief, trauma)

UrotsukiLeo (Half-Shell Hentai) by meh_guh for aliassmith, Cthonical (Nellie) - Raph deals with his brothers' transformation (tw explicit, dubcon)

Tonight by cndrow - Raph and Leo negotiate the moments when people is hard to come by (tw relationship angst, dysfunction)

Old Fears, New Need by orphan_account - Raph and Donnie keep each other together (tw blood, injury, sexual content)

Quality Time by Kiraynn - Leo and Raph take a few early-morning moments together (tw explicit)

Lost and Found by Kamefootninja (Kame630), NaruButt - Raph and his brothers find a long-lost sibling named Donatello (tw past rape/noncon, past csa, past sexual slavery, trauma, miscommunication, violence, grief, possible consent issues)

2012 turtles nsfw head canons by orphan_account - Includes a section with Raph (tw explicit)

This animation by Hammytoy - Raph and Mikey quite simply go for it (tw explicit)

U R Beautiful by Caroaimezoe - Raph is jealous of Leo's attention (tw explicit, knives)

Halloween party - Gift for Katii-kee by RenegadeBleat - Leo and Raph at Halloween (tw explicit)

Steel by Plastron - Donnie and Raph experiment with Raph's san (tw explicit, discussions of violence)

Warm by DashWrites for Sakycchan - Leo needs Raph's help to deal with the chill (tw explicit, mpreg)

Claiming and being Claimed by DarkxKitsune - Raph and Mikey need some help with their heats (tw explicit, mild dubcon due to heats)

"Young Lovers With Their Legs Tied Up In Knots" from My Ghost, Where'd You Go? by Gemma Winchester (PrincessGemma12), PrincessGemma12 @princessgemma12 - Raph and Leo explore the occult and a hayloft (tw explicit, shame)

Is This Where You Want To Be? by PrincessGemma12 @princessgemma12 for This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Westworld AU where Raph visits a brothel and has a strange encounter (tw dehumanization, possible consent issues, discussions of fetishization, objectification, explicit)

Auto-Robotic-Erotic 2: Electric Boogaloo by squishyturtlefuckfics - Raph learns one of Donnie's more peculiar secrets (tw explicit)

Kissed By The Whip by Lisa_Frank - For once, Raph wants Leo to control him (tw explicit)

Natural Sub by GoblinCatKC @goblincatkc-blog - Raph and his brothers discover Leo's secret (tw explicit, discussions of dubcon but consent is strong here)

OT4 by Queen_B - A sweet, steamy series about Raph and his brothers (tw explicit)

Aphrodisia by Kiraynn - Leo is a scion of the Foot Clan, and Raph can't look away (tw violence, explicit)

Art by FaRaDo-Age - Raph and Donnie with some new getup (tw sexual content, mature)

Inspired by the dream I had last night. by nei-ning - Raph seeks comfort from Leo after a bad dream (tw nightmares)

and maybe it'll be clear when we get there by @leonsi leones for This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - A collection of polyamory-themed stories, a lot of them including Raph; specific pairings are in the summary they were angelic enough to create (tw past abuse, self-harm, trauma, migraines, self-doubt, secret relationships, implied rape/noncon, implied csa, mental health issues/illness, vomiting, insecurity, self-hatred)

Colors by PrincessGemma12 @princessgemma12 - Multiamory March about a TMNT OT8 of Raph, Leo, Donnie, Mikey, Casey, Karai, April, and Shini (tw implied rape/noncon, pregnancy scares, implied violence, teen pregnancy, unplanned pregnancy, parent/child incest, csa, underage rape/noncon, abortion)

Walk Me Home by DarkxKitsune - Mikey trades letters with a prisoner (tw jail, discussions of molestation, potentially unhealthy relationships)

Raph is a Femboy by PrincessFreak - Raph's family discovers his secret (tw outing, dubcon, humiliation)

Call Me By Your Name by PrincessGemma12 @princessgemma12 - Leo and Raph try to figure out a mind swap (tw explicit, self-esteem issues)

I Keep Telling Myself This Might Be Nothing by PrincessGemma12 @princessgemma12 - Raph and his family stumble into a relationship (cw underage/underage sex, underage masturbation; tw identity issues, shame, loneliness, relationship difficulties)

This by Anonymous - Raph struggles not to be jealous, but Mikey makes it nearly impossible (tw possessive behavior, jealousy, potentially unhealthy)

“i was an island / before you came along.” - I Was an Island, John-Allison Weiss by lonescove - A magnificent art piece about Leo and Raph (tw implied sexual content)

Cliché (it was too late for me) by leones @leonsi - Story with Leo/April focus, but strong background Raph/Donnie (tw mild homophobia, speciesm, trauma, eating disorders, anxiety)

Did somebody say threesome? No? Oh well. 2007!Leo, 2012!Leo and 2007!Raph <3 by reosexuals - A multiverse-spanning art piece (tw explicit)

it's not revolutionary by leones @leonsi - Raph does his best to support the turtle he loves (tw mentions of self-harm, self-hatred)

Almost Home by cndrow - Raph and Donnie make up for lost time (tw explicit, implied character death, separation, grief, trauma, stress)

Cussing fetish? by RiusTcestCave - Comic about Raph's unusual kink (tw explicit)

Just Practice by ninjazure - A comic about Leo and Raph's attempt to practice kissing, and how it slips out of control (tw implied sexual content, accidental voyeurism)

Art by nise - Leo and Raph share a kiss

Art by えんらい - Raph and Leo in bed together (tw explicit)

Art by ８２ - Raph and Leo celebrate Halloween

Art by ninjazure - Leo taking Raph apart (tw blood, sharp objects, very explicit)

Yeahh, have some tcest on flying pillows~ by sakycchan - Leo and Raph give Donnie some tender love (tw implied sexual content)

The Benefits of Not Shutting the Fuck Up by Floozdooz @floozdooz - Donnie is determined to shut Raph up (tw underage/underage, explicit, dubcon)

Raphael / Donatello tcest by cndrow - A series of stories about the genius and the brawler (tw explicit)

Strange Little Shadows by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - 50 sentences about Karai, Raph, and Leo (tw implied sexual content, mind control, injury, choking, trauma, major character death, grief)

The things that we could be by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo, Raph, and Karai camp out under the stars (tw explicit)

"But I'm brighter when you make me fade" from Red-Light District by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Leo and Raph have their own ways of connecting as a couple (tw explicit, BDSM)

"Dance with me (Mon amour)" from The House Of The Rising Sun by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Mikey is a born showman and Raph is just along for the ride (tw explicit)

Say you'll never let me go by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Donnie and Raph comfort Casey during his period (tw mild dysphoria, explicit, menstruation, pain)

"The Confession" from sweet creature (we're running through the garden) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph lets something slip during a squabble with Leo (tw canon-typical violence)

"Teddy Bears" from sweet creature (we're running through the garden) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph and Mikey go bear hunting at the carnival

"Grey Memorial" from i'm bitter (you're still in my head) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph comes to terms with his feelings for Leo far too late (tw grief, major character death, heartbreak, suicide attempt)

"The Embrace" from spice up your life (who would want anything else?) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph gets creative making Donnie take a break (tw implied sexual content)

"Fluffy Cuffs" from spice up your life (who would want anything else?) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph is tempted into letting Mikey take over for a while (tw mature/explicit)

Ripples In Dark Water by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - A poem about Raph and his brothers, based on Casting Stones at the River by GoblinCatKC (tw violence)

"my eyes are glazed, 'cause they dug my grave" from you say I'm callous and I'm numb by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph struggles with all of the things he can't control after Leo's abduction (tw implied csa, implied underage rape/noncon, self-loathing, guilt, trauma, helplessness, violence, mind control)

wave your hands in the air if you feel fine by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters for PrincessGemma12 - The Hamato family celebrated living another day (tw implied past abuse, past violence)

under the water i'll be sharpening my knife by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Murder on the Orient Express through a lens of TMNT and polyamory (tw violence, blood and gore, revenge)

come on, come around (i've been feeling down) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - The kids who survived the apocalypse finds their relationships changed in the aftermath (tw trauma, apocalypse, guilt, grief, implied sexual content, mental health issues)

light in the crack that's separating your thighs by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph, Mikey, and Donnie express their affection for Leo (tw explicit)

i promise that you'll breathe again by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - SAINW AU where Leo, Raph, and Mikey deal with the fact of surviving (tw alcohol, implied sexual content, trauma, past alcoholism)

feeling like a boulder hurtling by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - The Foot's newest warrior has particular trouble with two enemies (tw violence, rape/noncon, mind control, emotional manipulation, identity issues)

gonna pop some tags by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Brothers and lovers through the lens of thrifting (tw implied sexual content, trauma)

there is love inside this madness (we are walking on the moon) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - After leaving their timeline, Raph and his family have to forge new lives together (tw memory issues, identity issues, sexual content, grief)

just gettin' started, don't you tiptoe, tiptoe (ah) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph and Usagi take Leo apart (tw explicit)

we'll pass it on to you, we'll give the world to you by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Four brothers write letters to their daughter (tw surprise parenting, implied sexual content, implied medical experimentation, grief, sick kids, trauma)

"Red (Life)" from Kaleidoscope Snapshots by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Casey and Raph try to reorient themselves after a close call (tw blood and gore, injury, past violence)

calling all the monsters - A modern AU with the Hamato family starring as a collection of queer horrors (tw bigotry, implied violence, implied torture, implied bigotry, unreliable narrator for the second, implied abuse, implied sexual content)

the music fills me good and it gets me every time by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - A-spec!Donnie finds his place in his brother's relationship (tw explicit)

i'll be there to hold you (don't be afraid of the dark) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - A series about Casey and the monsters who live in his skin (tw possession, explicit, dubocn, sexual content, mpreg, past suicidal thoughts, past abuse, violence, gore, potentially unhealthy relationships)

i don't like anyone better than you, it's true by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - Raph, Casey, and Donnie deal with the fallout from an encounter with unusual flora in the woods (tw explicit, dubcon due to sex pollen)

i've been searching all night (light the fuse and let me take flight) by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters for braeburns - Raph and Mikey deals with changes good and bad as they wreak a little havoc on the streets of New York (tw explosions, post Roe V. Wade life, implied sexual content)

green hearts raw and beating by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - A story about the beings who live in the woods beyond a small town (tw implied violence, implied rape/noncon not involving main characters, mentions of abortion, mentioned nonconsensual bodily modification of a bad guy, curses)

just want a way of keeping you inside by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters - A polyamorous love story written in tattoos (tw implied sexual content, sexual content, past abuse, trauma)

darling, are you ready for more? by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters for PrincessGemma12 - Kinktober drabbles about Leo and Raph (tw explicit, insecurity, trauma, flashbacks)

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princessofpatras · 10 months

Text

In light of ao3 being down for who knows how long, I’m posting chapters 1-5 of Lord, You Keep Me Crawling here on tumblr

If it’s still down by Sunday when chapter 6 is supposed to go up, I’ll post that here too

(Rating: Mature, tw: csa, implied/referenced suicide, graphic depictions of violence, catholicism, homophobia, panic attacks, ptsd)

Summary: a Catholic high school au wherein the Regent is a Bishop and headmaster of Laurent’s school

Chapter One: On My Knees

The office door opened with a click. Laurent didn’t turn to watch his uncle enter the room. He lounged in one of the high-backed upholstered chairs with the heels of his Doc Martens resting on the polished wood surface of the headmaster’s desk, scrolling through instagram on his phone without really seeing anything. The earbuds in his ears played no sound. They were for show; a performative nonchalance, when really, Laurent had been listening for that click. That didn’t stop his stomach from dropping when he heard it.

Dull footsteps muffled by the plush silk rug approached his chair at a casual pace. Laurent used the few seconds it took his uncle to reach him to scroll back up to a previous post—some pretty Akielon girl with blonde hair and blue eyes, lounging on a beach with three other girls, all in bikinis.

His earbuds flew out of his ears. Laurent turned to see his uncle holding the wire in his hand, earbuds dangling and dancing around each other in a spiral that was sure to tangle. The glance and subsequent grimace of distaste that his uncle directed at his carefully angled phone screen was brief. Laurent might have mistaken it for some trick of the imagination if he didn’t know the man’s face like the back of his own hand.

“Put it away, Laurent,” Uncle said. “School rules still apply in my office. Even for you.”

With a small burst of triumph in his belly, Laurent locked his phone and snatched the earbuds back. Uncle’s gaze lingered on his face, around his eyes. Laurent pretended not to notice, until Uncle grabbed his chin and tilted his face up to look more closely.

“Wash it off.” Uncle’s expression was unreadable, even to Laurent, but his voice was stern.

“You don’t like it?” Laurent put on an exaggerated pout.

“We’re in school, Laurent. Wash it off. I won’t ask again.”

“I don’t have makeup wipes or anything.”

Uncle’s mouth twitched, but his thick beard hid the finer details of the expression. Laurent couldn’t decipher whether the brief flash of emotion he’d seen had been a smile or a scowl. Then Uncle released his face from his grip and walked away without a word, passing through the door to his adjoining bathroom.

Laurent waited while his uncle grabbed a hand towel and ran it under the faucet. The fact that he was expending the effort to do it himself instead of ordering Laurent to do it made him uneasy. Was there a trap here somewhere?

He tried to push his worry away and distracted himself by letting his eyes wander around his uncle’s office. A wide sunbeam poked in through the East-facing window, filling the room with the young light of the morning. On the opposite wall, an ancient leather-bound Bible with gold lettering sat on a wooden hutch, a red ribbon sticking out from between the pages like the flicking tongue of a snake. A crucifix hung on the wall above it; a wooden cross with a little ceramic Jesus stuck on there, looking down solemnly over the room. He was bathed in sunlight from the window.

On the wall to Laurent’s back, beside the door, was a painting that Laurent purposefully didn’t look at—one of those renaissance paintings of little naked cherubs. It was an impressive piece of art in truth, but something about seeing it here in his uncle’s school office had always made Laurent’s skin crawl.

Instead, he found himself staring at the framed photographs on the wall behind his uncle’s desk. Uncle smiled with the Royal Veretian Academy for Boys choir over the years. The choir varied year by year, but his uncle looked the same in every photograph; his lush brown beard always trimmed and neat, his blue eyes twinkling, his left hand resting on the shoulder of the boy beside him.

In seven of those photos, that boy beside him was Laurent, growing slightly taller in each snapshot while his uncle never changed aside from a slight dusting of gray at his temples in recent years. His gaze drifted toward the photograph from three years ago, when Laurent was eleven-going-on-twelve. That was the last year that Aimeric Fortaine had stood smiling on the other side of Laurent, his eyes as green as a sunlit forest.

Uncle returned with the damp towel in hand and crossed in front of the window, fracturing the sunbeam with his silhouette as he came to stand by Laurent’s chair. “Close your eyes,” he said, and began to clean the eyeliner off Laurent’s eyes. He was gentle, and the water was comfortably warm.

“Sister Margaret thinks you are possessed by a demonic spirit, you know,” Uncle said as he worked. His voice was close and rumbled pleasantly in Laurent’s ear. “Stunts like this don’t help your case.”

Laurent grinned. “Are you going to exorcise me, Uncle?”

Uncle finished wiping the makeup away and pulled back. His tone slapped the grin off Laurent’s face. “Sister Margaret may seem like nothing more than a wrinkled old crone to you, but she holds a lot of sway in this community.” He paused to lock his icy blue eyes onto Laurent’s. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Laurent cleared his throat and sat up straight, affecting his voice like he was reading from a textbook. “You want me to clean up my act in front of Sister Margaret so she’ll think you saved me from the devil, and then she’ll tell everyone she holds sway over that you’d make a good Archbishop of Arles. Got it.”

Uncle raised an eyebrow. He still loomed over Laurent with the black-smudged towel in his hand. “Laurent.”

Laurent held his gaze. “I said, I got it.”

“Good,” Uncle said, his tone softening as he tucked a strand of Laurent’s hair behind his ear. The brush of his fingers against Laurent’s ear sent tingles down his spine.

“Will you be home for dinner?” Laurent asked.

Uncle hummed, and his fingers found the sapphire encrusted cross earring dangling from Laurent’s left ear. He had given it to Laurent as a Christmas gift two years ago. Technically, it was another dress code violation—like his combat boots—but some small liberties were granted to the headmaster’s favorite nephew. Apparently, as Laurent had discovered today, eyeliner was not one of them.

Uncle toyed with the earring as he spoke, “I will try my best. I suppose I must take advantage of all the time we have left. I won’t have you all to myself for much longer. Soon I’ll have to compete with your brother.” He sounded wistful, regretful.

The reminder of Auguste’s imminent return from Delfeur twisted Laurent’s stomach into knots. He was thrilled to get his big brother back now that the war was over, but so much had changed since he saw him last. Laurent had changed. And surely Auguste had too.

“Do you think Auguste has killed people?” Laurent asked quietly.

“Undoubtedly. He’s a soldier, Laurent. That’s part of his job.”

Laurent chewed the inside of his cheek as he mulled over the idea of his big brother killing people as though he was inspecting the flavor of a dish that was new to his palate. In order to make it fit with the Auguste in his head, he imagined his brother as a shining knight straight out of one of the fairy tales that his mother used to read to him when he was a child. The kind who only killed for honor and justice—a hero. He tasted blood in his mouth where he must have broken the skin inside his cheek. There are no heroes, he thought with a stab of bitterness that surprised him.

Uncle’s hand was warm on his shoulder, except for the cold band of his ring. “All right,” he said. “Back to class.” He gave Laurent’s shoulder a quick squeeze before letting him go and moving to sit behind his desk. He started sifting through the neat folders of paperwork and making small sounds of disapproval at the back of his throat.

Laurent hesitated for a moment, half hoping his uncle would say something more, but he went on with his work as though Laurent had already gone.

With a stab of disappointment, he stood and made for the door, his mind already slipping back into a brooding haze. His uncle’s voice stopped him with his hand on the doorknob.

“And, Laurent,” he said without looking up from his papers. “Next time you want my attention, think up a new trick. The dress code violations are getting stale.”

All throughout his morning classes and lunch, Laurent hadn’t been able to get his mind off of Auguste. He sat in the back of Sister Margaret’s classroom as she droned on about the significance of Mary’s immaculate conception. Laurent tried to pay attention, but his eyes were drawn like magnets to the ticking clock on the wall behind the Sister, and every time he looked at the clock his mind wandered back to Auguste.

“Only a body born free from sin would be a pure enough vessel to bring into the world our Lord Jesus Christ, who was himself born without sin also—as you all should know,” she said in her reedy voice. “Our Holy Father created Mary to be that perfect vessel, untainted by sins of the flesh—”

The hands of the clock ticked on. In Laurent’s mind, Auguste was running toward him with a grin on his face that outshone the sun in the sky above them. Then his arms were around Laurent, wrapping him in warmth, and Laurent was spinning.

Then he was falling. Auguste landed on top of him and pinned him to the ground, his face twisted in a rage that Laurent had never seen on him before. He tried to squirm, but Auguste’s hands closed around his throat.

“Liar,” Auguste snarled at him. Laurent could barely hear him over the pounding of his own heart in his ears.

“What?” he squeaked, gasping for breath. “You’re hurting me, Auguste!” He didn’t understand why Auguste was mad at him. But he knew in his bones that his brother was trying to kill him.

Auguste’s face was red and a vein pulsed in his forehead. “You’re a disgusting fucking liar!”

The sun moved behind his head, throwing both Auguste and Laurent into shadow. Then Auguste was not Auguste anymore. The eyes that glowered down on him were green as summer and full of hatred.

“You take that back!” Aimeric screeched.

“I won’t!” Laurent shouted, “You’re a disgusting fucking liar!” He spit at the angry green eyes.

Aimeric let out an animal cry of rage, and then Laurent’s world devolved into a flurry of fists and elbows, knuckles and fingernails, fury and pain.

He was spinning again, and then he was on top, raining his fists down on Aimeric’s stupid, lying face.

“Burn in hell!” Laurent screamed. His voice sounded like a ringing bell…

Laurent woke with a start. A bell was ringing. He peeled his face off his desk and tried to glimpse the clock through the swarm of his classmates funneling toward the door. 12:45. He had slept through most of religious studies.

He quickly gathered his notes and his backpack and joined the flow of students heading out into the corridor. He could feel Sister Margaret’s eyes boring holes into his back as he hurried away. All he could think was, Uncle is going to kill me.

Laurent let the crowd herd him through the halls. He spoke to no one, and no one spoke to him. Most of his peers avoided looking him in the eye. They saved their stares and whispers for when his back was turned and scurried when he got too close—as if grief was contagious.

It didn’t bother him, though. His classmates were all either overgrown toddlers or vapid social climbers and snakes who were so wrapped up in their own petty, juvenile bullshit that even looking at them for too long gave Laurent a headache. He didn’t need friends anyway. He had tried that once, and it ended in disaster.

A ceiling light flickered as he passed beneath it. He hadn’t yet fully shaken off the dream, and it left him with the sense of walking between worlds; like he was walking on a tideless beach with one foot on hot, dry sand and one in cold water. Usually his dreams dissipated like mist in the sun when he woke, but not this one. This one seemed intent on hanging around.

He tried to make sense of it as he walked. To lay it all out and look at it from a new angle. First, he had dreamt of Auguste. He shivered at the memory of his brother’s rage—the hands around his throat had felt so real. That part was an invention of his mind, though, Laurent was certain. But then, the scene had morphed into a memory as though that had been its destination from the start. As though everything would always lead back to that moment that Laurent wished desperately he could change. Yet, even in his memory, even in dreams, he was never able to change it. It always played out the same way. It always led to the same ending.

Laurent turned a corner, nearly arrived at his locker, and stopped short. The boy behind him barreled into his back, then brushed past him with a huff of annoyance, but Laurent paid him no mind. He was too busy staring at the great beast leaning against his locker.

Akielon, by the looks of him—dark curls above a nut-brown face and eyes like a rich whiskey. And he was a giant. The beast was standing around and laughing with a group of two other older jocks, and he dwarfed them both. Laurent was sure that he had never seen him before today. He would have remembered.

New to the school, then, and with no inkling of the mistake he was making. He was about to find out.

Laurent marched across the hall and planted himself directly beside the big Akielon.

“Move.” His voice cut through their laughter like a sword through flesh.

The beast turned slowly. His brown eyes traveled from Laurent’s face down his body, to his black combat boots and back up again in a move that brought to mind a lion assessing its prey. Laurent wondered if the Akielon beast was trying to appear intimidating or if he was just slow.

He saw the moment that the beast decided he was not a threat. Something like amusement glittered in his dark eyes.

“Ask me nicely, sweetheart,” he said in flawless, unaccented Veretian, “and maybe I will.”

Heat bloomed in Laurent’s cheeks. He ignored the swooping feeling of adrenaline rushing into his bloodstream and plastered on a sunny smile.

“Call me ‘sweetheart’ again,” he said, “and I’ll rip your balls out through your throat.” The beast’s companions shifted aggressively, but the beast remained still. Laurent continued, “Now, move your big, hairy Akielon ass off of my locker.”

One of the henchmen—another Akielon, black-haired, with a patchy five o’clock shadow—started forward with a grunt, but the beast held him back with one outstretched arm. He pushed off the locker without using his arms and squared off against Laurent. At his full height, the beast easily towered over him by a foot. Laurent felt his breath leave him, but he stood his ground and carefully did not flinch.

“I could snap you in half with one hand, kid.” There was still a hint of amusement in the beast’s voice, but there was a real warning there too, and more than a hint of disdain. Laurent was reasonably sure the threat was hyperbole, but the way that his RVAB blazer strained at the Akielon’s shoulders and biceps planted a little seed of doubt in his mind.

“You really shouldn’t threaten me,” Laurent said.

“You threatened me first.”

“You don’t know who I am.” Laurent took a step forward, craning his neck to maintain eye contact. He was close enough to reach out and grab the beast’s red tie now if he wanted to. Close enough to smell the garlic on his breath.

The beast’s grin was sharp. “I’ve got a general idea by now, sweetheart.”

Laurent drove his knee up into the Akielon’s balls with the full strength of his body.

Then Laurent was on his back, gasping for air. The black-haired henchman had shoved him to the ground hard and knocked the wind right out of him. Somewhere, a woman was screaming, possibly praying.

“Motherfucker!” the beast moaned in Akielon. He was doubled over and cradling his groin with his hands. A crowd was gathering around them in the hall, choking the flow of foot traffic like a blood clot blocking an artery.

The goon moved to grab Laurent, but he scrambled to his knees before he could reach him and dove at the beast’s legs. Laurent wrapped his arms around the beast’s knees and attempted to take him down in some kind of improvised bear hug. But the brute was just too strong.

He managed to loosen Laurent’s hold on him by thrashing his right leg in kicking arcs. One kick connected with Laurent’s ribs, hard enough to bruise. The next sent the beast’s shoe smashing into his stomach. That one was worse.

A wave of nausea surged through him, followed by dull pain. Laurent collapsed onto his hands and knees. He wrestled the nausea back down by sheer force of will.

Through the pounding blood in his ears, he heard the beast’s voice above him.

“Do you yield?” the beast said. Laurent pulled himself back up to his feet.

“Do I yield?” he asked, incredulous. “I knew Akielos was not as advanced as Vere, but I had no idea you were still stuck in the medieval period.” There was scattered snickering among the bystanders.

The Akielon beast’s expression turned sour, his jaw sliding forward. “I’m trying to offer you an out, kid.”

Laurent leveled a long assessing look at the Akielon. An old lesson of Uncle’s floated in the back of his mind. A man’s body will tell you what his tongue will not, if you know how to read him.

Hands in tight fists, shoulders squared, every bulging muscle tensing against his school uniform—the brute had a short fuse, and he wasn’t even attempting to conceal it. Rage glittered openly in his dark eyes.

Laurent laughed, a sharp and bitter sound even to his own ears. “No, Akielos. I do not yield.”

He shifted his weight and watched the beast shift with him.

“Damianos,” the beast said, startling Laurent out of his head.

“What?”

“My name is Damianos.”

“I don’t care what your name is, brute.” Laurent lunged on the last word.

Then suddenly his feet lifted off the ground. A huge meaty club of a hand clamped around his bicep. Laurent thrashed and tried to pry fingers as thick as sausages from around his arm with his other hand. He turned, expecting to see the Akielon or his friend hoisting him up, but the face above him was much older, uglier, and hairier.

Coach Govart’s face twisted into a mean approximation of a smile, and he set Laurent’s feet back down on the floor. To Laurent’s surprise, in his other hand he held the arm of the beast—Damianos. Though Laurent doubted even Govart had been able to lift Damianos off the ground with one hand. No, only Laurent had suffered that humiliation. He felt his cheeks burning again, and scowled.

“Start walking, boys,” Coach Govart growled as he dragged both Laurent and Damianos down the hall. The crowd of students had vanished—scattered at the sight of Govart like rabbits fleeing a bear.

They only passed Damianos’s Akielon henchman and one other figure. The sight of her sent Laurent’s stomach swooping with dread again.

Sister Margaret held her rosary up to her lips as she whispered a fervent prayer. Her knuckles were white around the cross, and her face was ashen. When Laurent met her eye as Govart hauled him past, she shuddered and made a shaky sign of the cross.

Laurent wanted to laugh. He wanted to scream. Instead, he lifted his chin and marched along with Govart as though he were the one leading that mad dog and not the other way around. He marched right up to the door marked Headmaster in golden letters, and knocked three times without being told.

“Enter.” His uncle’s voice was muffled through the wood, but still clear enough to be heard without mistake.

Govart released both boys. Laurent straightened out his blazer before opening the door, then sauntered right over to the chair he had sat in earlier that morning and plopped himself down into it. His uncle’s office was darker in the afternoon, now that the sun had fled the eastern sky.

“Hello, Uncle,” he said lightly, kicking his feet up onto his uncle’s desk, though never actually looking at his uncle.

He kept his eyes on Damianos instead, watching for the moment when the depth of his situation dawned on him. When it hit him, Damianos seemed to shrink. He stood frozen in the doorway, staring at Laurent with an expression of horror that was not dissimilar to the way Sister Margaret had looked at him in the hallway. It was every bit as satisfying as Laurent had hoped.

“Twice in one day, Laurent?” Uncle matched Laurent’s light tone. “Feeling neglected?”

Laurent shrugged. “I thought you might be bored.”

“You certainly know how to keep my days interesting. So,” he spread his hands, “who’s going to fill me in.”

“They were fighting in the hall,” Coach Govart said gruffly from the doorway. “Sister Margaret fetched me to break it up.” Laurent cringed at the mention of the old nun’s name. Uncle was definitely going to kill him.

“Thank you, Govart,” Uncle said with a slight nod, and his mad dog was gone. The door clicked shut behind him, and silence bloomed in the office. When Uncle spoke again, his voice was softer.

“Damianos. Please, sit.” Laurent dared then to look at his uncle and found him smiling at the Akielon boy like an old friend. Uncle was good like that. He always knew everyone’s names and could make anyone feel welcome anywhere. It was why everyone loved him.

Laurent didn’t have that gift—though Uncle would correct him and say it was a skill that anyone could learn. Laurent was inclined to disagree. People didn’t love him, and he didn’t imagine he would ever be able to make them the way Uncle did.

As Damianos shuffled over to the chair beside Laurent, Uncle frowned and tapped the toe of Laurent’s boot twice with his silver pen. With a scowl, Laurent lifted his feet off the desk and planted them flat on the floor.

“Good boy,” Uncle said, like it was a normal thing to say then. The fire returned to Laurent’s cheeks with a vengeance. He looked down at his hands in his lap, letting his hair fall like a golden curtain over his eyes. Soft rustles to his left told him that Damianos had sat down beside him. Laurent sent out a silent prayer that Damianos was not looking at him then.

“Damianos,” Uncle began again, “I hope you’re having a pleasant first day here at the Royal Veretian Academy for Boys. I see that you’ve already met my nephew, Laurent.”

Laurent heard Damianos’s throat click when he swallowed. “Yes, Your Excellency.”

“Please, there is no need for such formalities. Call me Father Laurent, or simply Father.”

“Yes, Father.”

“Tell me, what do you think of my nephew?”

The silence stretched on too long. That alone would have been answer enough, but Damianos apparently had a death wish. “Honestly, Father,” he said, “your nephew is very rude.”

To Laurent’s mortification, Uncle laughed. His rich, warm, genuine laugh. “He is, isn’t he?” He pointed a weighted glance at Laurent, then shifted his attention back to Damianos. “You are honest, aren’t you, Damianos?”

“I try to be, Father.”

Uncle spread his hands magnanimously. “Of course you do, my child. ‘And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate to be with you always, the Spirit of truth, which the world cannot accept, because it neither sees nor knows it. But you know it, because it remains with you, and will be in you.’ John, chapter fourteen.”

Laurent knew what was coming next, even if Damianos did not. His uncle’s smile was warm as a forest fire. “Damianos, tell me the truth of what happened between you and my nephew.”

Laurent turned his gaze back to Damianos and poured as much ice into his stare as he could muster. Damianos glanced at him and squirmed in his chair. He cleared his throat. Laurent narrowed his eyes.

“Well…” Damianos began, then flicked his eyes to Laurent again and stopped short.

“Go on,” Uncle prompted. “Give me the truth of it, son.”

“Yes, Father. Well, I was standing—I was leaning against his locker—well, I didn’t know it was his locker at the time, it’s right next to the one Father Herode gave to me this morning. Laurent came up to me and told me to move. I said—”

Damianos stopped again. Glanced at Laurent. “Go on,” Laurent coaxed sweetly.

“I, um. I said I would move if he asked me nicely—”

“This brute called me—”

“Is your name Damianos?” Uncle cut through. Laurent snapped his mouth shut. “Because I recall specifically asking Damianos to speak.”

Laurent bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from talking back. He held his uncle’s gaze as he pulled his left leg up and hugged it to his body, placing the sole of his boot directly on Uncle’s fancy upholstered chair cushion. Uncle’s face was a perfect statue. Laurent hoped there was dirt on the bottom of his boot. Maybe some gum or dog shit.

“Well, uh…” Damianos straightened his tie. “I don’t remember exactly what was said by either side, but some threats were exchanged, and then Laurent attacked me. I defended myself. I offered him the chance to walk away, but he refused.”

Laurent scoffed.

“I see,” Uncle said. “Thank you for your candor, Damianos.”

“Aren’t you going to ask for my side of the story?” Laurent interjected.

“We have established that Damianos is honest. You are not.”

“Luckily for you,” Laurent mumbled. Something dangerous flashed in Uncle’s blue eyes and it pushed Laurent’s head down like a physical force. He picked at a scab beside his thumbnail as though it was suddenly the most fascinating thing in the world. Laurent had a sneaking suspicion that he would be eating dinner alone tonight after all.

“I apologize for my nephew’s behavior, Damianos,” Uncle said. “You have to understand, he has lost a great deal to Akielos. He lost his father, my brother, in Marlas two years ago. That was only three months after the loss of his mother. And his older brother has been on the front lines in Delfeur ever since. I believe Laurent has misdirected some of his grief and anger at you, an Akielon within reach.

“It’s no excuse for his behavior, of course, but I hope it may provide some context.”

Damianos was silent for a moment. Laurent tried to sink into his chair. He was oscillating between embarrassment and boiling rage at his uncle for telling those private things to a stranger. And this Akielon stranger, of all people.

When Damianos spoke, his voice was soft. “I’m very sorry for your losses, both of you.”

“Shove it up your ass, Akielos.”

The brute exhaled sharply, a little noise of contempt.

“Laurent.” Uncle’s voice was like a whip. He softened it again when he spoke to the other boy, “Thank you for your kind words, Damianos. You are free to go.”

That’s it? Laurent wanted to protest, but he didn’t dare interrupt his uncle again.

“Please don’t hesitate to come to me in the future,” Uncle was saying, “for anything you or your family might need to help you get settled in Arles.”

Uncle rose and Damianos followed. Laurent stayed seated, but saw them shake hands in his periphery. Then he made the mistake of glancing at the photographs on the wall. Aimeric seemed to grin at him even more brightly than he had this morning. Laurent’s stomach turned violently, and he wondered what his uncle would do if he vomited on his Patran rug.

“Welcome to the RVAB,” his uncle said with a smile that Laurent could hear. “You’re a senior, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I may be biased, but I believe there’s no better education in Vere than what you’ll receive here. Our students are among the top picks of the most prestigious universities in the country. I hope to see you thrive here, Damianos.”

“Thank you very much, Father Laurent.”

“God bless you, my child.”

“And you as well, Father.”

Uncle walked Damianos to the door, and once the brute was gone, Uncle locked it behind him. He turned to Laurent; his face completely devoid of emotion. The coldness in his eyes sent a shiver down Laurent’s spine.

“You have displayed a callous disregard for school rules regarding violence, decency, and foul language. You have spoken out of turn. You have disrespected me, and you have disrespected God. Your behavior is a stain upon this school, upon this holy order, and upon the name de Vere.”

Laurent looked at his shoes. He was expecting it when Uncle said, “Fetch me the paddle,” but the expectation did nothing to quiet his pulse.

With shaking hands, Laurent took the wooden paddle out of the bottom right drawer of Uncle’s desk and brought it to him. Like an obedient dog with a stick, his mind supplied, if the dog was about to be beaten with the stick.

“Bend over the desk,” Uncle commanded, and again Laurent obeyed. “You will count out loud to fifteen.”

“Yes, Uncle.” Laurent closed his eyes and steeled himself for the pain, willing himself not to cry.

By the time Laurent said, “Fifteen,” he was weeping. He heard Uncle put down the paddle, and then he was at Laurent’s side with an arm around his back, helping him stand up.

“Why do you put us through this, Laurent?” Uncle gently brushed Laurent’s cheeks with his thumbs, drying his tears. “You used to be such a sweet boy.”

Laurent sniffled. “I’m sorry, Uncle.”

Uncle stepped behind his desk and sat down in his chair with a sigh. He slid the white clerical tab collar free from the neck of his shirt and set it on the desk. “Come over here.”

Laurent obeyed. Ceramic Jesus watched him gravely from his place on the wall. Laurent thought he looked cold now that the sun was no longer on him.

“That’s a good boy. God offers forgiveness,” Uncle said, “to all His children who repent and devote themselves to His teachings.” The belt came off next, the silver buckle singing like a bell. “Kneel, child. Show your devotion, and rise, cleansed.”

Laurent knelt before his uncle as though he were about to receive the body and blood of Christ through Holy Communion. This ritual was just as sacred, Uncle said. After all, he couldn’t physically get much closer to God than through the touch of a Bishop. When he rose again from beneath his uncle’s desk, though, he did not feel cleansed. Maybe I’m broken inside, he thought. Maybe my soul is beyond reach.

He wondered if his uncle ever felt like this. If the sated smile on his face was anything to judge by, Uncle didn’t appear to be troubled by the same doubt. Doubt is a test of faith, someone had told him once. He couldn’t remember who. It may have been his mother, or even Uncle himself. Regardless, Laurent repeated it in his head like a mantra, and it managed to put his mind at ease a little.

The bad feeling faded as the day went on, until he nearly forgot about it entirely. Instead, the thrill of carrying around a secret won over, and Laurent spent the rest of the school day feeling special, and more than a little smug about it. But later that night, when Laurent stood alone at the kitchen counter pushing rice around on his plate rather than eating it, the doubt returned. In the dark, silent house full of ghosts and secrets, there was nothing to keep the whispers in his mind at bay.

Laurent tried to imagine how he would explain all this to Auguste, if he had to. How he could make him understand. It was pointless, he knew. Auguste would never understand. No one would. Uncle said that only God would ever understand. That was why they had to keep it a secret between the three of them. But what if Uncle was wrong? What if God wasn’t in on the joke?

Laurent gave up on eating and resigned himself to a sleepless night of staring at his bedroom ceiling, cringing from shadows on his walls. If this creeping unease really was a test, he felt like he was failing.

#chapter two coming shortly. I have to go through and add all the italics manually bc tumblr hates me 🫠#ao3 is down #captive prince #my writing #my fanfic #laurent of vere #damen of akielos #auguste of vere #lykmc #capri fanfic #writing #lamen #captive prince fanfic

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proxissima · 2 years

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Incest tw: the thing is with the fic trope that writes Ozai as incestuous rapist, you're right that it's often being written with Azula but the point is; it's not being written as a ship but as a sexual abuse and this type of abuse often being referenced to and is rarely or ever being depicted explicitly. Meanwhile, there's a bigger number of Zuko/Ozai fics that do write it as an abusive ship with explicit content, but rarely being referenced to.

At least from my experience as a fic reader.

I don't know how often Ozula appears untagged but gets referenced in fics, as you meant, but those that are in the tag are mostly fetish material, based on the premise that, obviously, Ozai must've have abused his one daughter in that way. It's written as sexual abuse and as a ship, where the preceding sexual abuse leading up to it is implicit.

But you've got me thinking about Zuko, and you're definitely right that it's rather rare to stumble upon a story with him where any CSA in his past remains in the realm of "just implied"... at least from what I've encountered. I guess the fandom is content enough with the canon amount of trauma Zuko received from Ozai because it's getting milked it for what it's worth more than enough.

#inbox #tw #anti ozula #the 'zuko is an awkward turtleduck' tag is an automatic skip #azula #zuko #atla fandumb #atla

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spencersweatervest · 2 years

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PURPLE, YELLOW - DRABBLE | inspired by: the concept of the parallels between morgan & spencer (and how it makes them better people) - a fic i've got in the drafts

tw: implied/referenced csa & child abuse, allusions to religion

spencer's father is a hypocrite.

he presses his hands together in the purple, yellow light of a stained glass window depicting images of hatred and religion during the day, and then uses them to pin spencer's wrists above his head hard enough to leave purple, yellow stains at night.

he utters a faithful, useless prayer under his breath in a calming silence with the mouth that burns the words worthless and it's okay to like it into his brain forever.

he puts on his best suit and tie, crisp and cut clean, fitted to make him feel more powerful and then uses the belt that holds up his pants to leave wide, scarring lines across spencer's back.

spencer knows there is no god.

he wonders if his father does too; if he truly believes there's a higher being and ignores their will or if he just uses spencer for appearances.

he wonders if it even matters.

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aftgficrec · 4 months

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An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

I’m sorry if I did this wrong ( or made a maistake in submitting) , but i was reading this a few days ago and thought the writing plot were both stunning. if i did this wrong pls do tell me.

You did this perfectly, friend, this is exactly what our submissions are for!

Also, you’re absolutely right, this fic is STUNNING, and we’re very happy to be able to rec it once more. - S

We Used To Be Friends by gluupor [Rated M, 104576 words, complete, 2020]

Neil’s life is thrown into disarray when his best friend is murdered. As he starts his senior year of high school, he finds himself on the outside looking in, a social pariah whose former friends are only too willing to bully and ostracize him.

Working for his father, a private investigator, leads him to evidence that his friend’s murder may not be as straightforward as it seems. Neil throws himself into the investigation, hoping that solving the case might help him regain some of what he lost.

tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: implied/referenced drug addiction, tw: non-consensual drug use, tw: involuntary outing, tw: classism, tw: racism, tw: bullying, tw: violence, tw: homophobia, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced murder

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mrf34r · 4 years

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hi tonight i got so angry abt having a physical form that i wrote this marty angst, triggers in the tags, 500 words

HE KNOWS WHAT THIS IS. He knows what this is, he’s not a stranger to it. He knows sometime soon, the Mastermind will step out of the shadows and pull him back into the deep darkness where they go to take care of this shit, he knows that this pain is only temporary. He can already feel the fog pressing in at the edges of his mind. He knows Mastermind will find this chick and get rid of her. She won’t be around much longer. He can leave it alone. He’s safe, he’s safe, come back inside, now, M4rtin, before you hurt yourself.

He doesn’t want to do that.

He wants to fight it.

And so he does.

Pushing back from the computer chair, that collapsing is moving through him. The one that leaves Elliot fumbling for a space to hide in, somewhere to press up against and feel supported. He needs to get it out. He can’t breathe with the way his lungs aren’t working.

Maybe if he picks up the wireless keyboard, smashes it down against the desk so that he can hear however many keys scatter off. Five? Twelve? It doesn’t matter, he can almost see the keyboard still has keys on it— u, j, h, k, r, a, Tab, Shift, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8… He cracks the board down again and again, hoping to see it snap in half but it doesn’t. Even with how thin it is, how few wires it needs to light itself up. Flashier than anything he’d ever buy.

He calls out to someone he doesn’t believe in, his head spinning as Mastermind tries wrestling him back, bringing him back in, why can’t he be angry? Why isn’t he allowed to be pissed? Pushing the bedside table over, knocking off the thrift store lamp and leaving it plugged in even as the bulb breaks. He steps over small square letter keys on the ground and starts for the kitchen. Stops himself. Stops himself. Knives. No, he won’t do that. He wants to. He won’t. He can’t, not anymore. Not right now. Not with how they are.

There has to be something else he can destroy.

He turns on his heel and his chest heaves, scanning wildly around the room to the point where he doesn’t even see anything. Why can’t he do anything? Why hadn’t he done more to protect him? Why hadn’t he done what haunted his nightmares so often, taken that bat and raised it up and brought it down against his motherfucking—

He’s on the floor, now, the panic taking the strength from his knees and the air from his lungs and he’s holding onto the back of the head because everything hurts and he can’t stop remembering. Further, further, further from his thoughts.

Fine, he’ll go. He’s pissed, but he’ll go. It won’t get better, it never gets better, why are they like this, why can’t he do anything, why, why, wh— [ REDACTED ]

#tw: implied/referenced csa #tw: thoughts of cutting #tw: panic attack #vent #00. drabble / the sick part is i actually missed you #00. angst / i hate when i can’t hold in my loneliness #01. mr robot study / this control you think you have is an illusion

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quietlyimplode · 3 years

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Clintasha "tell me how to make it better "? But a little bit romantic? :D

Please heed warnings. Nothing graphic but the implications are there. @thoughtfulmilkshakeface I am sorry. I not hit this. This is not romantic; it’s angsty and has the red room - but it does have Clint and Natasha taking care of each other; sooo there’s that. Title is from a song of the same name by Brand New.

——

“Natasha. Stop!” Clint yells. The loudness of his voice halts her movement, but she doesn’t turn around.

“Tell me how to make it better?”

Natasha looks back at him, a sadness in her eyes that he can’t place.

“You can’t.” She says, and runs.

Three days earlier.

Monday.

“He’s dead.” Maria deadpans passing the dossier across to Clint who glances over it, and passes it across to Natasha.

“Who did it?” He asks, not surprised at the face of the deceased.

“Unknown. But the death of the head of the SVR, is something we should be concerned with.”

Natasha stops on the suspects page, and Clint can’t help but notice the look of recognition pass across her face.

“Yevgeni Primakov would not be an easy man to kill.” She states, and hands the file back to Maria. “What do you want us to do about it?”

Maria hands her another file, “Find out who did it.”

Clint smiles. “A trip?”

Natasha hands him the file and his smile drops.

“To Romania?” The two women smile at his disappointment.

“Yeah, that’s where he was killed.”

Clint pouts.

“Can someone else do it?”

Natasha rolls her eyes.

Tuesday.

They arrive in Romania and Clint can’t stop complaining. It’s too cold. The plane food is shit. He hit his head on the baggage bin. It’s never ending, and grates on Natasha’s patience.

They head immediately to the scene of Yevgeni’s death, and Clint moans that they can’t even stop at the hotel before working.

It makes Natasha snap, and she ends up smacking him on the upside of the head before giving him a look. He shuts up and they get to work.

They create a timeline of his death and he flashes the suspect list at her.

“Which one do you know?” He asks.

Surprise plays across her face, “how’d you..?”

Clint smirks. “I always know.”

“Sergey Naryshkin.” She says. “He was a trainer.”

Clint’s face drops. “Oh.”

Natasha nods. “Yeah. ‘Oh’ is right.”

#clintasha #clintasha fics #clint/nat fics #natasha romanoff #black widow #clint barton #hawkeye #nick fury #maria hill #red room #implied/referenced abortion tw #implied csa tw #my fics #brand new #obybmtgd #marvel fic #whump fic #hurt/comfort

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sofspook · 4 years

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good morning!

|| Masterlist ||

i want to kill tumblr. i literally had this queued for 8 this morning, and it didn’t post. then I tried to post it manually and it deleted all the text inside. and now I have to go back and make edits. at least I back up my stories partially. hhhhhhhhh.

anyway. finally some background! this takes place directly after One Thing. have some fluff and a liiiiiiillll bit of sad.. !!

CWs: blanket warning for boxboy universe/pet whump setting, implied past childhood physical, mental, and sexual abuse, implied past withholding of food, and food in general

The next morning's stiff coldness was met with a strong, sweet smell of Swedish pancakes from the kitchen and a quiet sizzling of batter in a skillet. And Keith was no professional cook, by all means, but he did have that one recipe down thanks to his father all those years ago and, he figured, maybe he'd fix up something a little nicer than the usual eggs and toast to brighten the kid's first morning here.

Perks of having sold a successful company happened to include money, sure, but mostly the freedom and flexibility in schedule to take out a few years of working, in Keith's case, which meant he didn't worry about calls about credit or hiring and firing as he chopped strawberries. It meant that now, he could focus on helping people, and filling his hours with rescuing and rehoming boxboys. And making Swedish pancakes.

By the time he poured the last of the batter and finished up the plates with fruit and powdered sugar, it was nearly two in the afternoon. That was something he'd learned to plan for, though, and done on purpose, after having enough exhausted rescues cycle through the place, so when the new boxboy stepped carefully into the kitchen with his hands tucked up in his sleeves and pulled up to his chest, breakfast was still warm.

Keith smiled. "Good morning!"

He remained in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen, hesitant. Even with that bit of distance, Keith could see the fear in his eyes. The tightness in his shoulders. Lowered head, slouching to appear smaller. It wasn’t unfamiliar, and it wasn’t something Keith couldn’t help with a little bit of care.

“Come on in,” he said, nodding to the kitchen island. “I’ve got breakfast for us.”

The boy’s steps were silent, soft new socks on tile. His hands were drowned in the navy hoodie given to him the night before and so was the rest of him, all skin and bones covered in thick clothing that shouldn’t be too big for someone his age. At Keith’s gesture and with a little pause, he finally reached for a stool, and took a seat.

There were several plates set out. One had chopped strawberries, another had bananas, another with blueberries, and on another plate there were minced mangoes. There sat a jar of peanut butter and a jar of Nutella and two big things of whipped cream and some Ghirardelli chocolate sauce and even more miscellaneous toppings strewn about the countertop. Plenty of choices. Couldn’t go wrong.

Keith flipped a Swedish pancake onto the empty plate in front of the boy, and he flinched.

“Ever had these before?” he asked, and he was glad that the answer is a small shake of the head. Breakfast wouldn’t be accompanied by a flashback, then. “Well, the best part about these, is all the toppings.” He dished some onto his own plate pointedly. “See, you just- put whatever you want on top, and roll it up- like this. Like a... burrito.”

The boy watched with fierce, nervous focus. And then, he looked up, with a gaze that said What if I get it wrong? What if I don’t choose the right answer?

“There aren’t any wrong choices,” he assured. “Have whatever you’d like.”

And eventually, after a period of rushed thought, the boy did reach for a few plates, put some odd combinations together like mango and peanut butter, and rolled it up exactly the way he’d been shown. And then he stopped, pushed the plate towards Keith, and looked at him expectantly.

And Keith, who sat beside him at the kitchen island with a mouthful of strawberry-chocolate-pancake, realized he didn’t understand that no, I didn’t mean make me one, I meant make you one. “No, no. This is for you. We’re sharing this food, bud. I made plenty for both of us.” An afterthought, minding the way the kid tensed at doing something wrong as he perceived it, Keith added, “Thank you, though. That was kind.”

So finally, tentatively, with his frantic deer eyes darting over to check his expression every millisecond, he ate, and even gave in when Keith insisted he take at least another two and eat until he’s no longer hungry. Which, in any safehouse’s book, is a success.

There was... one thing, though. The kid kept one hand under the opposite thigh the whole time they sat at the table. Keith probably wouldn’t have noticed, except he kept switching his arm, and at first he couldn’t figure out why he did that, thought maybe it was some sort of nervous tick or something, until he caught the pattern. Every time Keith moved to another side of him, right or left-- whether it be to get up and feed the cat or grab the plate of mangoes without reaching over him-- he’d switch arms. Why, though, he didn’t know. And probably, he thought, he didn’t need to. None of his business.

But still. It was... odd.

---

\ @looptheloup \ @deluxewhump \ @burtlederp \ @lave-e \ @whatwhumpcomments \ @whumptywhumpdump \

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motherboxing · 6 years

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I think my Christmas gift to myself this year is the Therapy Realization that I no longer feel like if someone doesn’t want to fuck me, they must not care about me. I’m not sure when I stopped feeling that way, actually, but boy do I not miss it! Is that... recovery?

#rape tw #csa tw #implied i guess but not explicitly referenced

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fantastic-nonsense · 2 years

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Hi!! I love your blog and specifically your Jason posts, and I was wondering if you had any thoughts on something I've been kind of internally debating myself. It's a really heavy topic but have you heard of/do you have an opinion on the theory i've seen a couple times that Jason may have been a victim of csa?

Okay, so like.....do I want to have an opinion on this topic? No. Do I have opinions on this topic anyway? Sort of.

Quick context overview for those who are unaware (tw: rape/CSA):

It's been implied on 2-3 occasions that Jason potentially engaged in some level of underage prostitution during the year he lived on the streets (inherently rape given his age and the circumstances). These (potential) references have always been exceptionally and intentionally vague, and could technically apply to things other than sexual assault. However, in the context they're mentioned in it generally makes sense for the incident(s) in question to be CSA.

The particular references in question happen in Green Arrow: Seeing Red, when Jason tries to relate to Mia Dearden (a human trafficking survivor and former sex worker) by saying that, like her, he "had to do bad things just to get by" as a kid, and Battle for the Cowl, when Bruce's "final message" to Jason references a "dark secret" that apparently fundamentally traumatized and broke Jason in a way that Bruce wasn't prepared to help fix.

Additionally, there's been some interesting fandom discussion on Canon!Jason's reactions to victims of sexual assault as well as his particular personal hatred for rapists and child traffickers and how that might point to currently unvoiced and unexplored trauma in Jason's childhood. Those have been covered by people far more knowledgable on the subject than me, so I'm not going to rehash those instances here.

I'm of two minds about the theory. On one hand, Jason being a survivor makes a tragically sad amount of sense given his backstory. It's far from a "reach" scenario and I think in the hands of someone who genuinely wanted to work with that kind of trauma and could do it justice, it would be a really interesting way to explore a few of Jason's motivations for being Robin and how that impacted his responses to crime victims, both as Robin and later on as Red Hood. I don't necessarily think there's anything inherently wrong with the theory given what we know and can reasonably speculate. It would add some interesting retrospective depth to his various interactions with sexual assault victims as Robin, especially the infamous Felipe Garzonas Incident, and could be interestingly used to provide nuance to Jason's personal crimefighting philosophy.

On the other hand, the way that it's actually been (theoretically) referenced in-canon and the way that it's often (not always, but often) talked about within the fandom feels more like trauma porn and adding in angst for the sake of angst than actually giving the topic the weight that it deserves, and I've never liked that. I also trust exactly zero writers at DC to deal with a plot of that nature sensitively, especially given how DC has treated Dick Grayson's and Tim Drake's sexual trauma over the past 20-30 years, and I trust fandom reaction even less.

I don't like how it would fall into the "let's sprinkle sexual assault and/or rape into this character's backstory, as if it isn't already bad enough!" trope that often pops up in comic books, and I ultimately think it wouldn't add enough to Jason's story to be worth the cost of doing it wrong. We already have more than enough tragic backstory and explicitly discussed motivations for Jason to last a lifetime, and he's already got enough childhood trauma to cope with; I genuinely don't think he needs any more heaped on top of it.

For those reasons, while I think it could be an interesting and potentially incredibly powerful addition to Jason's story in the hands of the correct writer, I'd rather just leave it as a speculative theory that angst-oriented fanfic writers deal with and keep it far away from canon.

#jason todd #asks #dc meta #batman meta #jason todd meta #also the concept of taking literally ANYTHING related to Jason in Battle for the Cowl seriously..........yikes

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spencers-renaissance · 3 years

Text

this heavy humanness

Summary: Spencer leaves the oven on overnight, and Derek - whose pent-up emotions get the best of him - loses it, exposing secrets neither of them expected to be spilled, for two very different reasons. They get there in the end.

or; Spencer's suffered far too much abuse in his life and Derek knew about none of it. He shouldn't have found out like this.

Tags: est. rel., past abuse, arguing & making up, hurt/comfort, miscommunication, angst with a happy ending, hurt spencer TW: implied/referenced - child abuse, abuse & csa. trauma response that could be perceived as dissociation. misplaced frustration at neurodivergence. nothing graphic but message me for more info if needed.

Pairing: Derek Morgan x Spencer Reid

Word Count: 3.9k

Masterlist // Read on AO3 // Bad Things Happen Bingo

This fills the "Domestic Violence" square of my Bad Things Happen Bingo. It's a heavy one folks so please heed the tags, but fear not, as always we have a happy ending ahead of us! <3 Title by Rainer Maria Rilke.

Spencer knows it’s ridiculous. Derek will not hurt him: this much he knows for certain. Derek is safe, he is home, he is his person. Derek would die before laying a hand on him.

This objective knowledge does not stop the fear from building in his chest, fizzling through his veins until his whole body is alight with it, simmering under the surface of his cold skin as Derek shouts, his face contorted in anger. Spencer might know that Derek won’t hurt him, but that doesn’t mean he can forget what’s happened in the past when he’s put that same expression on crueller people’s faces.

“How could you be so irresponsible, Spencer?”

He doesn’t know. The sinking feeling of failure, of disappointing someone he loves so much settles deep in his stomach as he watches Derek pace up and down the living room while he stays firmly planted on the sofa, pressed as far into the corner as he can.

He didn’t mean to leave the oven on overnight. Again. It’s just that sometimes he gets so lost in his head, in the studies he reads just before bed that getting ready for bed happens on auto-pilot, and small things like turning the oven off slip through the cracks. Derek’s never got this angry over it before, but that’s probably because he’s never said “yes” when Derek’s sleepily asked him if he remembered to turn it off, not when he actually didn’t.

He answered on auto-pilot. He didn’t mean to lie, but that doesn’t seem to matter that much to Derek as he wears down the living room carpet with his pacing, visibly seething. He tracks him with his eyes. He can’t afford to not see the blow coming.

The blow isn’t coming, he tries to tell himself. It’s not all that convincing when Derek stops mid-pace, turning to look at him dead in the eye.

“We could’ve died, Spencer! Does that mean nothing to you?”

Spencer doesn’t reply. He wants to, he really does, but the words are stuck in his throat, choked by fear and confusion and emotion and regret, God why didn’t I turn off the oven, I should’ve been better, it’s all my fault—

“Do you seriously not have anything to say?”

Spencer stares. He has so much to say. All of it is trapped in his throat, tangled in a mess of please don’t leave me and please god don’t hit me.

“You know, I can’t deal with this right now,” Derek mutters, throwing his hands up in the air, “this is unbelievable.” Spencer watches as he shrugs a coat over his shoulders, pulls on his shoes, pauses only to grab his wallet and keys, and walks out the door without looking back.

The door slams behind him and Spencer jumps at the loud noise, jolting out of his fear-ridden stupor, wincing as he’s forced out of his head and thrust back into reality. It’s only ten past ten in the morning; a nice, sunny Saturday in late Spring, and maybe in a different universe, Spencer and Derek are packing a wicker basket with a picnic, heading off to their favourite park to feed each other strawberries and enjoy jam-filled sandwiches.

In this universe, though, Spencer drags his heavy bones to the bathroom, and peels off his clothes. He feels weighed down, tied to some point of gravity far below his feet as he avoids the mirror at all costs and lets his pajamas lay where they fall instead of gathering them into a ball and throwing them into the hamper like he usually does. He turns the water on and steps under the spray, allowing himself to revel in the warm rivulets of water caressing his cold skin.

Shampoo bottles stand untouched in the caddy to his left. He’s not there to get clean, he’s there to forget and to think all at the same time. Slowly, he sinks to the floor, leaning against the wall as the water cascades down his front, but not before he turns the heat up. It’s a small comfort: the water just on the right side of too hot running down his face and his torso and his legs, pooling at his feet momentarily before sliding down the drain, never to be seen by him again.

Today shouldn’t have started like this, and it’s a hard pill to swallow that if he hadn’t left the oven on, it wouldn’t have. Derek would have smiled when Spencer stepped into the kitchen, pulled him into his arms and kissed him gently before making them pancakes while Spencer sat on the counter-top and told him everything running through his head. Derek would listen, enthralled, whether to the sound of Spencer’s voice or the words he’s saying, and he wouldn’t shut him up, not even when they sat down to eat.

They’d finally get ready for the day late in the morning, they’d decide what they would do that day, and they’d make a point to steal as many kisses as they could; making up for the affection lost during long cases.

Spencer knows this because it’s happened so many times before. They may have only been dating for just over six months, but they already live together, having fallen hard and fast; Emily teases them for it, calls them her favourite lesbian couple, and they don’t care because they’re in love.

Despite that, though, Spencer still hasn’t told Derek.

There are nights he lies awake pondering how unfair that is. He’s held Derek as he sobbed over memories of Buford, as he spilled every awful detail of the abuse he endured; he’s comforted him after he’d tried and failed to bottom, falling into a flashback every time, no matter how much he wanted to try it.

But Spencer stays silent. He doesn’t tell him about his dad beating him, or his mom getting confused off her meds and smacking him, shoving him, even punching him that one time. He doesn’t tell him about Matthew, his first real boyfriend, trapping him in an abusive relationship that took him months to get the courage to leave. About how when a third person hurt him, he began to wonder whether it really was his fault. Whether that was the only kind of love Spencer Reid deserved.

He stays silent now, staring at the shower wall. The fear has left him now the threat has too, and a cold type of numbness replaces it, and even once the water runs cold, he doesn’t leave. He traces the same four tiles with his eyes, drawing the same pattern with his gaze over and over again as his thoughts turn to an endless cycle of he’ll leave me, he’ll stay, he’ll hit me, he won’t, until he’s not really sure what he believes.

Derek is a good man, but Spencer knows how he can be. He messes up, he forgets things, he doesn’t read situations right, he doesn’t behave the way people think he should, he doesn’t think like a neuro-typical person does. And a good man can only put up with that for so long.

The proof is in the pudding, after all. Derek has always been understanding of things like this in the past. He’s given him a hug and told him not to worry about it, that mistakes happen, and no one can be expected to remember small things like this all the time. But this morning, he was furious. Spencer’s not sure he’s ever seen him so angry in all his years of knowing him, and it was directed at him. All because of an oven left on.

Eventually, a sound from the upstairs apartment drags him from his head again, and he’s suddenly aware of the cold water, of the way his body is trembling and his fingers are pruning. He pulls himself out of the shower, turning the water off, but he stands in the middle of the bathroom, aimlessly, for a long time. By the time he finally has the sense to wrap a towel around his body, he’s basically dripped dry. His hair is soaking wet and the dripping water is freezing, but he doesn’t have the energy to find a towel for his head, too, so he leaves it.

He walks towards the bedroom and climbs into bed, pulling the fluffy duvet over his damp skin and laying his wet hair on the pillow. It feels awful, being wet and damp under the dry bedding, but he doesn’t have the energy to move, so he stays there, towel still wrapped around his legs, hair still soaking the pillow, and he stares at the wall.

He doesn’t know what time it is, and he doesn’t know when Derek will come back home. If he ever will.

⭐️

Derek slams the door behind him as he storms out of the apartment, rage consuming his every move, his every thought. The force of it rattles the door frame, echoing down the empty corridor, but he can’t find it in him to care as he marches towards the elevator. The buttons are pressed with perhaps a little more aggression than socially acceptable, but the woman already on board takes one look at his face and has the sense to stay quiet.

He gets in his car and steps on the gas, the squeal of his tyres against the floor of the garage as he speeds out satisfying him more than it probably should. His jaw is locked and tight as he drives through the streets of DC, his thoughts going a million miles an hour, quieted only when he turns the radio up loud, a blasting soundtrack to his ferocious getaway.

Adrenaline pumps through his veins as he speeds down the highway, heading out of the city towards Baltimore. He doesn’t have a destination in mind: he’s just driving straight. Straight away from the apartment. Away from Spencer.

It’s after more than an hour of driving that his jaw finally loosens and the anger that had simmered in his blood so fiercely fades into reluctant rationality. He’s somewhere in the middle of Baltimore, and the traffic — the tangled road system he actually has to focus on — drags him from the absent headspace the highway had allowed him to slip into.

“Fuck,” he mutters, and turns off the road he’s on, onto a quieter one. As soon as he’s able to pull over, he does, and he hits the steering wheel angrily. “Fuck!” He leans forward, pulling off his sunglasses and burying his head in his hands. It’s not the same kind of anger he’d felt earlier, no. This time it’s directed purely at himself, fuelled by dismal regret.

Before he can stop it, his brain replays the fight with Spencer over and over, the wall he’d put up to block it out crumbling down as images of his boyfriend flood his mind. He hadn’t registered it in the moment, but looking back, God. There was something on Spencer’s face, something so broken, so scared and he feels nauseous at the realisation that he put that there.

Over something as fucking stupid as an oven.

Truthfully, he wasn’t really angry at Spencer. Waking up to see the oven left on again, even after Spencer promised he’d turned it off, was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He’d fought with both his mom and Penelope yesterday, and he went to bed feeling like an utter failure, made even worse when Spencer had declined to join him, deciding instead to keep reading the series of papers he’d started earlier that evening. He woke up in a foul mood, and not even the sight of his peacefully sleeping boyfriend could make him feel better.

It’s his own fault. He should have communicated with Spencer: he should’ve told him about letting his mom down and saying the worst thing he possibly could have in his conversation with Penelope, but he didn’t. He silently stewed, and felt irrationally angry that Spencer wasn’t reading his mind. He knows for an absolute fact that if he’d asked Spencer to join him in bed last night, he would’ve dropped his studies immediately, and cuddled him until he felt better.

But he didn’t. And then he’d screamed at Spencer, in a way he never has before, over something he simply forgot to do. Derek swore to himself that he would never shout at or put Spencer down for his neurodivergent traits. Not in the way he’s seen so many people — regrettably, far too many of them on their own team — do before.

He’s always been understanding in the past, kissed Spencer’s hair and promised that it wasn’t a big deal, and he has always meant it. Because as dramatic as he’d been this morning, leaving the oven on wasn’t really the end of the world. He remembers ranting about the electricity bill, about how they were going to afford the house they were going to buy if he kept this up, about lying to him — even though he knew that was clearly an auto-pilot thing — about how dangerous it was. It’s a fan oven. They were never really in any danger.

What a god-awful way to let off the steam he’d built up and chosen not to let go.

As if he’s not already feeling shitty enough, though, his mind won’t stop circling back to the fear on Spencer’s face. The way he shouted back, but instead crammed himself into the corner of the sofa, never taking his eyes off him as he paced angrily back and forth.

He feels sick.

He digs his phone from the pocket in his sweatpants. He’s still in the clothes he sleepily pulled on in the dark this morning, and he hadn’t thought to bring his phone out with him, but luckily he’d picked it up off the kitchen counter that morning.

He clicks on Spencer’s name, listens to it ringing out as he desperately begs him to pick up. “Come on, baby, please,” he whispers, ignoring the tears burning behind his eyes. “Pick up, please.” He tries three more times before throwing it angrily on the seat next to him, allowing one more second of feeling the blind panic and the fury at himself before forcing himself to calm down.

Reaching over to his phone with one hand to turn the ringer up, he turns the ignition on and pulls back onto the road, heading back towards DC.

The traffic infuriates him, cursing as it takes thirty minutes to get back on the highway, but finally he’s back on the open road. It takes everything in him not to speed past the other cars, knowing that getting pulled over would only slow him down in the long run. He doesn’t turn the radio on. He just replays the fight again and again, each time remembering something new: something he said or something Spencer did.

He doesn’t wipe the tears away as they fall, lets them slide uncomfortably down his neck, under his collar, lets them drip into his lap, lets his nose run. It’s the only punishment he can afford himself right now.

Finally, finally, he pulls into their apartment building’s garage, finding their spot and parking roughly, abandoning the car as quickly as possible in favour of sprinting towards the elevator. He curses at the slow moving carriage, but it eventually spits him out on his floor, and he’s walking down the very corridor he stormed down just a few hours prior.

He pushes open the door to their apartment, closing it behind him softly. Suddenly, the nausea swimming in his gut isn’t just borne from regret, now fuelled by nerves and dreaded anticipation.

“Spence?” he calls softly.

He doesn’t know what to expect: he doesn’t know whether Spencer will be sad or angry, whether he’ll be screaming or crying. The kitchen and living room are empty, and the bathroom door is wide open, so he ventures into their bedroom.

Whatever he was expecting, it isn’t this.

Spencer’s tucked up in bed, duvet pulled up to his neck, facing away from the door. He doesn’t move so Derek thinks he might be sleeping, but when he circles the bed to check, he finds his eyes wide open, staring vacantly at a fixed point on the wall. They don’t flicker or blink or move when he steps into his field of vision, and Derek’s heart sinks, panic beginning to grip his chest.

“Spencer? Baby?”

When he still doesn’t move, Derek crawls onto the bed, and the movement or the sound or something must finally catch his attention, because all of a sudden his eyes are widening — in shock, surprise, fear, Derek doesn’t know — and he’s shifting under the covers.

“You’re back,” he says, and it’s so uneasy that Derek wants to cry.

“Yeah, baby, I’m back,” he says gently, “and I’m so sorry about earlier, I—”

He cuts himself off, because when he reaches to tangle his fingers in Spencer’s damp hair, he flinches. His hand freezes, but his stomach twists, because this is the confirmation he was both expecting and dreading. This is the confirmation of everything he prayed he had wrong, everything he wished he’d misinterpreted the whole drive home.

“Spence,” he whispers brokenly, withdrawing his hand, “I would never— never do… I’d never hurt you, God, I—”

A choked sob cuts him off this time, and another follows when he sees a tear sliding down Spencer’s face. A previously blank, emotionless canvas, his face is now full of sadness, tinged with the fear and guilt Derek hates himself for even suggesting was warranted in the first place.

“Derek,” he says softly, and his voice is so mangled with emotions he couldn’t even begin to decipher, it breaks his heart a little. He doesn’t say anything more though, eyes sliding shut instead as tears continue to stream down his face.

“What do you need, baby?” he asks, because it’s the only thing he can think to say. “Anything, I— anything you need, you can have, Spence, I’d give you the world, you know that.”

Spencer’s quiet for a long time, and Derek sits there on the bed anxiously awaiting a response while trying to summon all the patience he doesn’t have as he stares at Spencer’s crying face.

“A hug,” he decides eventually, and Derek almost collapses in relief because, God, he can do that.

He crosses the small space between them, and carefully folds Spencer into a hug, sighing in relief as he melts into Derek’s side, placing his head on his chest and cuddling into him. Their legs tangle together and Derek holds him as gently and as closely as he can, carding his fingers through Spencer’s damp curls while his other hand rests on his waist, his thumb caressing the bare skin there.

He’s still in his towel, he thinks sadly. He didn’t have the energy to properly dry himself before crawling into bed. As if Derek could possibly feel shittier.

They lay like that quietly for a while before Spencer finally speaks. Derek wishes he hadn’t. The words “I’m sorry”, uttered so brokenly, so miserably, have no business leaving Spencer’s mouth.

“Baby, you have nothing to apologise for,” he says fiercely. “This is all on me. I’m sorry. Sorrier than I’ve ever been, Spencer, because this is completely my fault. I wasn’t actually angry at you, that’s the first thing you need to know, and I know that makes what I did so shitty, because you hadn’t even done anything wrong, but I was so pent up and frustrated with myself and I didn’t communicate that with you and— fuck, I’m doing such a bad job of explaining, I just. I need you to know, Spencer, that I’m not angry, okay? And I’m so sorry for losing it like I did, that never should have happened.”

He pauses and takes a breath in, burying his face in Spencer’s hair as he holds him even tighter, trying to keep his grip as gentle as possible.

“I never told you,” Spencer whispers after a couple beats pass.

Derek’s heart seizes tightly and he swallows. Prepares himself. “Never told me what, sweetheart?”

“My dad, he… he wasn’t a good man and he… you know, he hurt me a lot. And then my mom, when he left and she stopped taking her meds completely, she’d get so confused,” Spencer admits, voice so quiet as he murmurs into Derek’s chest that he has to strain to hear him. “She didn’t mean to, but she’d… And then my last boyfriend, he—”

He cuts himself off as a heaving sob that seems to come out of nowhere strangles his words and it’s all Derek can do to hold him tightly as Spencer cries, whispering every reassurance he can think of through his own tears. It shouldn’t be like this, he thinks. I shouldn’t know this just because of an argument we had; just because I lost control. Spencer should’ve been able to tell me on his own terms, in his own time.

He tries to cry as silently as possible, but it’s not easy when the grief of knowing the pain Spencer’s suffered in his life is weighing heavy on his chest, and the acidic taste of guilt abounds.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers into Spencer’s hair. “I’m so sorry, baby.” He’s sorry for so many things he’s not sure he could list them all out, neatly and coherently, if he tried.

Spencer fists his hands in the soft cotton of Derek’s t-shirt. “I’m sorry I never told you.”

Derek balks at the guilt in his tone, as if he actually believes he has anything to apologise for. “Baby, you could’ve waited until we were old and grey to tell me and I wouldn’t be mad, okay? Trauma like this… it comes out in it’s own way in it’s own time. I’m not sure how or when I would’ve told you about Buford if everyone hadn’t found out the way they did. And if I’d waited to tell you, you wouldn’t be mad at me, would you?”

Spencer shakes his head.

“I’m so sorry that I triggered you the way I did, Spencer,” Derek says seriously, gently twirling a loose curl around his fingers. “It was inexcusable, and it was a problem of my own making. I know you didn’t mean to leave the oven on and I know you were operating on auto-pilot when you told me you turned it off last night, and nothing I said was true. I was mad about stuff that happened yesterday and I failed to communicate that. It’s all on me. Nothing about this is your fault, you hear me?”

“Really?”

The way Spencer cranes his neck to look up at him, the trusting innocence in his eyes both breaking and warming Derek’s heart. “Really.”

“I want to tell you, Der, it’s just—” He sighs. “I’ve never talked about it with anyone, and it’s hard. I don’t… I don’t know where to start.”

“We have all the time in the world for you to tell me, baby. You can tell me everything all at once, or drop tiny pieces of information when you feel like it, or never tell me anything else ever again, and any of that is perfectly okay. I just need you to know that what happened this morning will never happen again, okay? I promise you.”

Spencer shifts, moving from his position curled around Derek to prop himself up with one arm, facing his boyfriend properly. “Thank you,” he says earnestly, before leaning down to kiss him. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, baby. More than anything.” He kisses him again before moving the duvet and making to get up. “Now, how about I order us some pizza for lunch and we spend the afternoon in bed. You can read or we can watch some documentaries or a movie, whatever you want.”

A small smile crosses Spencer’s face, and nothing’s ever felt more like a win.

“I think that sounds like a plan.”

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#my writing #moreid #derek morgan #spencer reid #derek morgan/spencer reid #spencer reid/derek morgan #criminal minds #derek morgan x spencer reid #spencer reid x derek morgan #cm #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fanfic #moreid fic #moreid angst #tw domestic violence #tw abuse #tw csa mention #moreid fluff

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