#to everyone in the notes yes i have adhd too but i think i can pull it off
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i think if i focused really really hard i could grow a leaf
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DR RATIO ANALYSIS: PART 2, ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
SPOILERS FOR 2.1 CONTENT.
Now, you might be saying - "Aurae, you already did one, why do you need a second?" And my answer is, "LORD, I FORGOT TO TALK ABOUT HOW HIS DEFINITION OF 'IDIOT' IS DIFFERENT. AND ALSO HE DOES NOT HATE AVENTURINE NOR DOES HE THINK AVENTURINE IS STUPID." Once again, here is my disclaimer - although I have been researching psychology for a solid six years, I am NOT a professional. (I will be, one day. Just you wait, just youuuu wait-) So understand that everything I say has been analyzed with personal judgement, with my own conclusions, come to with logic and my personal interpretation. This is just what I have concluded, and you are always free to disagree.
This is my legacy. To be an analyzer. So let's go.
Okay, now that my disclaimer is over, let's take off Ratio's plaster head and chuck it into the sea, and see - what does he mean by 'idiot'?
This will be much shorter than my last, so don't worry - I will not be flashbanging you with another 4k words. This is more like a follow up, than anything else, because there's a few things I wish to touch on.
Dr. Ratio doesn't hate idiots in the sense that he hates people that have 'low IQ' or are 'stupid' in terms of being 'slow to understand'. I definitely touched on this in my last analysis, but he hates people who take their education for granted and don't go places with the gifts that they've been given. He hates "idiots" - "narrow minded" people who have the capabilities to do more and perceive more than they choose to do. People who deliberately look away or take what they know and what they could do for granted. He wants to open people's eyes and allow them to see life from multiple different angles and he believes that everyone should have a chance to learn - with the whole "knowledge for everyone" thing he's got rolling.
He wears a plaster head around people he doesn't seem to know too well in order to think more, or so that he doesn't have to see the faces of the people he dislikes. Pretty good roast. However, he does NOT wear that plaster head around Aventurine. Let's listen to the doctor's judgement - Aventurine is far from stupid. Although he likes to chalk up a lot of the things he does to his own luck, he is an INCREDIBLY capable individual who's managed to get this far because of his own form of genius. He's a man who relies on chance and good fortune, yes, but his charm, his way of scheming, and the way that he's good with people? That's skill. A talent he doesn't take for granted. Dr. Ratio respects him for this - because despite the fact that he has no proper education, he has his eyes wide open to the world and doesn't take shit for granted. He learns what he can in order to survive and he does it fucking well - Aventurine is a very smart man. He's observant, quick on his feet, and great at going with the flow and thinking in the moment.
Aventio aside, I actually believe that Dr. Ratio would be a really good teacher to those who struggle. He's patient where it's needed to be, even if he's got a quick temper, and I believe in his pursuit for knowledge he would do his best to go out of his way to find strategies that would work for their individuals. We're all unique, and he's aware of this - and because he wants to allow people to think for themselves, whatever helps the individual works. Depression? He's got a psych degree, I'm sure bro could give you some strategies. Autism? He has a touch of the 'tism himself. ADHD, and not feeling organized? Bro will help you. It's canon that he's a great fucking teacher - those who finish his classes go on to become successful people who are intelligent and critical thinkers. Round of applause for Ratio, the man that kins my father. He's shit at emotions, but great at knowledge.
Also, on that note, I believe that he would most likely hate parents that push thier "gifted" students to the limit without any compassion for the person that they really are. He's most definitely got some of that academic trauma so I believe that bro holds a secret disdain for parents who just use their children to gain more recgonition. Well, not so secret. He'd cuss them out. (Ratio please cuss out the horrible parents.)
Dr. Ratio, the Teacher ever. (Hey, maybe he'd get along with Kunikida...)
Also, I am definitely planning on making a fic where he teaches Aventurine Latin. As long as you're eager to learn and willing to look past the chalk being thrown, he's got a place for you.
Thanks for coming to my tedtalk. I did not read this through, so this is not edited. Take my unedited rambles.
#aurae analyzes#dr ratio#drratio#veritas ratio#analysis#character analysis#honkai star rail#hsr#aventio#ratiorine#aventurine#dr ratio x aventurine#character study
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Headcanon: ADHD Hob and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
So I went down the rabbithole on ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria (and found this lecture that legit made me tear up if you have or think you have ADHD, go listen to it here) and it got me thinking, as everything is wont to do, about Hob Gadling and how if he had ADHD, which I think there's lots of fun in-text hints at that at least allow that interpretation, what are some other ways that could manifest besides his ebullient and never-ending love of life in all its endless variety?
So as sufferers of ADHD know, it's not all fun and games. The flip side of living with a dopamine-starved brain that's always seeking out new experiences and seeing the world through that lens is that other emotions slam us hard too, like rejection sensitivity dysphoria aka, "the most minor criticism can feel like an actual knife in the chest, no I don't mean mildly bummed out, I mean full on fight-or-flight brain meltdown because someone told you a comma is in the wrong place in your manuscript (not that I'm speaking from personal experience yes it's that dumb)".
ANYWAY, so I'm thinking about Hob and RSD and specifically 1789.
Specifically the line, "It's just how it's done," referring to horrific practice of human trafficking and how Hob basically shrugs while, to his minor credit, looking suddenly uncomfortable and guilty, about the fact he actively profits from this industry, and the way he cringes in on himself when called out kinda seems to indicate that he knows it's a vile practice and isn't super comfortable with being reminded of his fact by someone he respects, like Dream.
A couple notes on that little exchange between Hob and Dream:
1 ) The face Ferdinand Kingsley-as-Hob makes in that moment is absolute textbook adult ADHD rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Namely, the point where you know criticism hits you like a knife in the heart, particularly from people you respect, and you just have to cover that flinch of literal physical pain with a careful poker face.
The way Hob's tone suddenly goes cold and with his very genteel, received-pronunciation manners he levels Dream with perhaps the closest he's ever come at this point to lashing out, "You're giving me advice...?"
I'm not saying that canonically it's RSD, or that neurotypical people don't suffer pain and disappointment when receiving disapproval, but to my eyes at least, Ferdie Hob takes Dream's comment very seriously, much more so than the comic counterpart did (who needed multiple nudges before he even realized what Dream was trying to tell him about getting out of the shipping business and still seemed a bit clueless about why Dream would want that or care by the end).
2 ) Going into proper headcanon territory, I personally chart Hob's journey from destitute to wealthy slave trader as the product of someone who stopped giving a shit about others after everything he suffered in the 1600s. To be perfectly clear, this is not a fucking excuse for it, it's an examination of motives.
Because technically, after everything Hob suffered in the 1600s, he could have emerged with more empathy for the plight of others. But clearly that didn't happen. From an entirely human motivation level, that leads me personally to the conclusion that since no one helped Hob when he was at his lowest (not even Dream, though I dearly wish it was otherwise and wrote extensively on what would have happened if he had) that led him to the belief, put simply, that fuck the world so long as he got his. Why should he care about anyone else if no one cared about him?
But to go back to the topic of this essay, RSD, there's an additional element to that theory on why and how Hob leaned into not giving a shit about others, and that missing factor from what's described above is the element of everyone is doing it. Specifically worded as, "It's just how it's done."
Another really fascinating lecture I listened to on ADHD talked about how the most common trauma reaction ADHDers have to their sense of rejection, shame, and guilt that comes the way our brains react to the world is by hiding. And that also got me thinking about 1789 Hob in this context.
Because Hob as we see him in 1589 is loud in his happiness. He's sitting there, bold as brass in the middle of the White Horse, showing off his wealth with a banquet, loudly declaiming about how he pretended to be his own son twice, worked in the Tudor shipyards (what would have been 50+ years before) and just how he spent the last 100 years working his way up to his knighthood. The man does not have an ounce of caution in him. But, he is also by far the happiest we ever see Hob (up until Dream ditches him in the middle of their date).
This is important because to my eyes, Hob is living openly and unashamed and with only the barest hint of caution typified by pretending to be his own son every couple decades. The way he describes his last 100 years sounds like an ADHD dream, basically getting a boat load of money from Caxton's printing press (basically the first tech startup unicorn of the modern era) and then running around wherever his interests took him where he also made money hand over fist, kept climbing, and eventually reached the point where he could purchase the acclaim and regard of a member of the (albeit minor) nobility. All of this after being born a peasant. That's just validation and money and prestige and getting to pursue your special interest and live as your authentic self all over the place. And I do mean authentic, Hob doesn't even seem particularly worried about talking openly in the White Horse about being 200+ years old, a strong case could be made that he's not that careful in his personal life either.
So anyway, Hob has this amazing century literally followed by the worst century imaginable, filled with the sort of horrors that can tear a man's soul asunder. Losing his family, his beloved wife in childbirth with their new baby, his adult son, his home, his money, everything he spent a century building. His title and name are gone too because of the nature of how he lost it with the accusation of witch craft, which also means he can't just fake being his own son again to get it all back because they're explicitly going to notice that this time.
And how did this all happen? Because Hob got noticed. He lived there 40 years, overconfident is his own words. Which is a wild thing to say about a bunch of witch hunters showing up at his door! He blames himself for being drowned as a witch. On the one hand, I imagine he has to think that way because otherwise he has to admit to the sheer brutal randomness of life, so in a way he's trying to take control of the narrative by blaming himself.
But it also smacks of ADHD again because ADHDers very commonly shift the blame onto themselves after years of their unique nervous system response making them a round peg in a square hole of wider society. We learn over and over that the mistakes we make are our fault, because of "laziness" or "apathy" which isn't apathy at all but deep agony over our inability to accomplish tasks in a neurotypical way without the support we need, but I digress. But it sure sounds like Hob may have been paralyzed by grief for literal decades and then blamed himself for not getting the mental spoons together in that context to move on and reinvent his life after losing his wife and child. Which would be a very ADHD thing to do.
So after this absolutely brutal smackdown by reality for living too openly, too loud, too ADHD, getting paralyzed by the powerful emotions he felt (if we follow the headcanon) over the grief and loss in his life, what is Hob's next step?
Hiding.
Blending in.
Not rocking the boat.
And again, not excusing it, there's plenty of other industries he could have gone into to blend in that didn't involve human trafficking. That said, if he went to sea, which we know Hob did on many occasions from the comic, it would be seen by his peers there at sea as a normal way to make one's fortune, and then.... well, we have as evidence that this is his current peer-group the sort-of pride with which Hob announces how he's making his fortune these days in the "shipping business", as if he's expecting Dream's approval.
That to me, reads a bit like the people pleaser/social chameleon aspect of ADHD. Hob is expecting to be praised for being successful by Dream the way he would likely be praised by his peers in the shipping business or among the wealthy privileged men of England. He's so steeped in that world now that he's clearly taken aback when Dream takes the (at the time more radical but not uncommon) stance of, "This is wrong."
And Hob knew it. But he was blending in. He was going along with how things are done. He wasn't rocking the boat. He has other hints at trauma responses too, "salting money around the world" in case there's political upheaval, for example. This is not the loud, boisterous Sir Robert Gadlen untouched by loss or trauma. He has been humbled and tempered and, indeed, made afraid by what happened to him.
This sort of wild swing towards protectiveness? Again, also ADHD. As the lecturer I linked first noted, ADHDers are textbook defenders. They are always defending themselves from the world that can suddenly, unexpectedly, plant a knife in their heart because of a perceived rejection. From a world that wants their brain to work in a way it doesn't, so they have to come up with myriad painful coping mechanisms to fit in, blend in, mask, and function. Hob was forced to protect himself after the 1600s, so he did, with money, and with not caring about other people, and with insulating himself from privilege, and becoming a social chameleon.
1589 Hob tries to earn back Dream's interest, but he doesn't fawn. Dream shows interest in Shaxberd and Hob, already starting to get irritated, tells him no, Shaxberd is crap.
And you can tell in 1789 that Hob is thinking about that day again when he gets Dream's disapproval, because who does he reference? That lad, Will Shaxberd. He's fearing rejection and abandonment again, or at least it's crossed his mind after Dream's admonishment. But this time, Hob is fawning more, very nearly flirting. He's trying to play the game better this time, trying to keep Dream's interest, social chameleoning the subject onto safer topics, things he thinks will interest Dream, as Shaxberd so clearly did, so let's talk about him if that's what you care about. Again, another ADHD social chameleon, people pleaser aspect. We are nervous empaths, we are constantly picking up a bazillion signals both real and imagined. And we're so fucking terrified of that RSD knife in the heart, we become people pleasers to avoid it. After the shipping business brag fell through, Hob pivots to talking about Dream and what, in his experience, Dream seems to like and talk about favorably.
So anyway, many many ADHD-esque rambling words later, there's a few more little details I'd add to the list of "possible ADHD behavior, not just the fun parts" for Hob Gadling. Is it canon? Maybe not. But it does make for a great headcanon, in my opinion.
#hob gadling#the sandman#sandman meta#adhd#omg this got so long lol that's perfect fits the subject huh
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Math masterpost!
So you want to learn math. Good. Math is amazing. I studied physics for two years and I miss it SO MUCH.
Learning math isn't just cool, but it's a great way to improve skills such as:
Resilience: sometimes you will get stuck for a while on a problem - this is absolutely normal for college-level problems. You won't start from here though;
Self confidence: mastering a subject known to be difficult is fun;
Problem solving: you will be less likely to just sit down and do nothing if something comes up in your life, you will be able to try to find a solution.
It will change your approach to failure as you will become more flexible in your thinking.
Unfortunately most people never learn how to properly study math. We all probably know how to study a book over humanities. We start by reading the material, then we take notes of the keypoints. But this method doesn't work with math, and math teachers often don't really know either.
For the basics I've made this post here. To sum it up:
Please don't start with "but i suck at it". Because then your brain will actually prevent you from learning (self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?);
Realise that you need to master one topic before covering the next one or you won't be able to progress;
Really, the methods you use for things like literature or psychology or whatever won't work
Now I'm not a genius, I always was and I always be a terrible student. I have adhd, depression and chronic pain, all of which add a difficulty layer with learning.
I feel like most people fail because of the first point. I've seen this with people I've tutored IRL, people I try to fix their pc... Don't be the person that gives up before trying because no one likes that. Just don't. Remember that you are learning on your own and no one is going to grade your excercises. Now take that and make a poster out of iy.
Now, resources Where To Find The Stuff.
Khan Academy. I didn't follow this courses becuase well, university, physics, but everyone references them.
Professor Leonard
The Math Sorcerer
3b1b (curiosities in math)
Vsauce2 (fun)
numberphile (this for understanding math memes)
r/learnmath resources are great!
A great study method
Proofs? Proofs.
A 3 page document on learning math (but it's cool)
Terry Tao's famous post "there is more in mathematics about rigour and proofs"
Remember that, even if you don't like a specific youtuber, source or anything it has been a while since college and high school teachers started to upload their own material. Generally, looking for like "calculus pdf" will give you a lot of resources. Youtube is full of university courses of every kind and it's so good to access all of this knowledge for free.
I cannot recommend you anything regarding textbooks because I still have my high school one. Also yes, i've used the Rudin as a complementary textbook in university but that's a bit too much.
I really, really want to emphasize the mentality part. Leaning formula is useless if you feel like garbage because you weren't able to solve the first exercise you picked up after a decade not doing anything.
My personal and sparce advice:
Unless you have dyscalculia don't use the calculator. I know, I KNOW. But this "lazyness" will make everything 10 times more difficult.
Beware about overlearning. Basically, when you solve everything at the first attempt and you keep doing the same thing over and over because it feels good, but the truth is that you are wasting time. This is the time to move forward.
Try to differentiate between a knowledge error(did I actually study the subject?), a conceptual error (did I understand the material), or a mere calculation/distraction error (fo example a missing sign, writing the wrong thing etc)
Try to solve the problems in different ways if you can.
After a certain time, It will be useful to review things done in the past, (ref: spaced repetition method).
Write everything down. Reasonings, steps etc. It will be easier for you to review them.
This posts keep crashing so I have to call it quits now.
but:
have fun
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With Love, John (M)
Summary: John is a personality all of his own. He can talk to anyone, charm everyone, and still go home with no one because he's bored of it. Bored of the blushing, tired of the smiling eyes with brows arched up in awe of him, sick to death of the strands of hair being pushed behind bright red ears because he is an Adonis among mortals. Then there's you. His ice water. The girl who makes him obsessed with a single poem because although those words aren't yours, you've opened a dictionary just for him and the words splash him and freeze him in place.
Non-idol!Johnny x Fem!reader
Andy's note: This is kinda long. I know, I know, I know. But!! It hit me a few days ago and I HAD to write it. This is my fkn baby. I put both ass cheeks into this and my ADHD-induced hyperfixation had a gorilla grip on me. I love Phil Kaye and I highly recommend you watch Phil perform Repetition here. Everything here will make sense if you do. I promise.
Genre: slight angst, mentions of childhood trauma, slow burn-ish, smut, romance, strangers to lovers
Warnings: Mentions of suicide, childhood trauma, oral sex, vaginal fingering, vaginal penetration, overstimulation, daddy kink, slight edging, dirty talk, unprotected sex, slight dacryphilia (blink and you’ll miss it), slight katoptronophilia 🪞 (blink and you’ll miss this too), praise kink, strength kink, size kink, is Johnny boy an overindulgence of the kind of man I want? Yes and idgaf.
Playlist: Close to You - The Carpenters, It’s The Falling in Love - Michael Jackson, Feelin’ You - Jesse McCartney, Cave Me In - Gallant, Tablo, Eric Nam, As It Was - PREP, From Eden - Hozier, I Feel Good All Over - Stephanie Mills, Punch Drunk Recreation - Jesse McCartney, NFWMY - Hozier, Like Real People Do - Hozier, Play Me - Taemin
You're flat.
Deadpan and cold like the ice cubes in your coffee on days when the sun refuses to set and you just want to leave.
You never know why you want to leave.
It's boredom.
Dissatisfaction.
Wherever you are, you just want to leave and when you do leave, you always want to go back to the place you left.
It's a pattern of boredom.
Of missing your friends and counting the minutes until you can get away from them the minute they're around you.
Of reading books and skipping to the end because you don't have the patience to take your time finding out what will happen.
A spoiler never ruined anything for you.
You wish life could be that convenient.
You wish you could skip to the end to see if this shit that feels more like poorly written filler actually has a point or if you're an NPC set up for everything yet destined for nothing.
The tall guy comes into the store on an evening that feels exactly like every other evening and you think it's Wednesday until Ningning tells you that it's actually Friday and you grunt because it's just that bad.
"Excuse me. Could I talk to you for a minute?" the tall guy asks you.
"Yeah... just gimme a minute," you mutter as you finish updating the inventory and Ningning is star eyes and nerves as she fixes her shirt and tucks a lock if hair behind her ear.
He's not that cute.
"What's up?" You ask as you turn to him.
"I noticed that you read a lot. Could you recommend me a book? I'm running out of things and I've picked some duds lately," he says and his voice is like sex and candy and crushed flower petals.
"What genre?" You ask him.
"Any kind. Doesn't matter." He replies as he shifts nervously.
"Date and Time. Phil Kaye. Come on, I'll grab you a copy. Ningning, stay on the register," You say and walk off.
The tall guy follows behind you and as you navigate the narrow paths of the bookstore lined with high bookshelves you know he thinks you're pretty.
It doesn't matter to you though. What does being pretty do for anyone? Nothing if you don't meet the right people.
You turn a corner and pull the book off the shelf, "Here. It's one of the best books I've ever read," You say as you place it into his hands.
He examines the book, "Really?" he asks.
You nod, "You can feel free to sit and skim it if you want."
"I'm John by the way," he says and smiles at you.
"Y/n. If you're trying to steal it, I will punch you in the throat," You say and turn to head back to the registers.
"No- I... I just think you're beautiful," he says and drops his gaze for a moment.
You highly doubt the glare you're giving him really has him that flustered but he's good at pretending.
"So did every man that's ever fucked me over. Get in line." You say as you turn and make your way back to the front of the store
Ningning quits when she finds out that a swanky fashion store at The Oculus in Tribeca hired her.
You're not upset.
She's not really a book-selling girl.
She likes fashion and rich boys who drive fast cars. She hates her roommate Minjeong and working in The Oculus is her step up. It's a higher wage and a step closer to an apartment she can share with her rich boyfriend and not with the girl who may or may not be moving up in the fashion industry a little bit faster.
You don't think Minjeong is a bad person but Ningning is young and one day, she'll see it too.
You post a 'now hiring' sign in the window, one on the counter between both registers, one by the lounge, and one on the patron bathroom door then pray someone worth their salt inquires before the day is over.
This isn't even your fucking shop.
It was your friends until it wasn't. She dreamt of opening a book store and you didn't. You had no sense of direction and were more than content to just work for her. She met some guy named Yuta and you didn't even know the shop was in your name until the mail started coming in.
She signed everything over to you and disappeared. The letter she left is as theatrical as she is. Repetition is her enemy just as it is everyone's but she, like Ningning, likes rich boys who drive fast cars and she fell in love with a rich boy with a fast car who drove her away from you.
Her letter begged you not to hate her and it also begged you not to look for her and you still roll your eyes when it crosses your mind.
John, the tall guy, comes in and he smiles, "So... you're hiring?" he asks eagerly.
"That's what the sign says, right?" You grunt.
"Can I apply?"
The air is thick and his eyes pierce yours. "Don't you have a job?" You ask him flatly.
"I did but... now I don't," he replies with a shrug.
"You know how to work a register?" You ask.
He nods.
"You know how to make coffee, tea, and espresso?" You ask him.
He nods, "I literally worked at a coffee shop I'm like... Michael Jackson with beverages. I got this and I already know my way around the store," he replies with a smile.
He's probably never heard the word 'no' in his life.
"Fine. You fuck up, you're fired. This is my store so I'm HR. The last guy I hired liked my ass. He touched it and I put his face through the fucking counter. Do your job, keep your hands to yourself, and if you're looking for love, download Hinge. Girls come here to read, not to get hit on," You say.
"I doubt anyone who comes in here is as pretty as you are but okay," he says coyly.
"I come here to work, not to get hit on. Do it again and you can go back to that coffee shop. What's your availability?" You say as you take a tablet off the back counter. You navigate the prompts to get him registered.
"Whenever. Just no weekends." He says as he pokes around with the register prompts. The cash drawer jumps open and he slams it shut, "I can definitely work the register," he says proudly.
You nod, "Hooray. The store opens at eight, closes at six. That's a full shift. Monday through Friday. You get twenty-five bucks an hour. Breaks are paid because it just randomly gets too busy for one person to handle everything alone but there's plenty of downtime in between for you to recoup. You got an emergency? Let me know. Jisung, Chenle, and Yeri work weekends. If one of them can't make it, you or I will come in for them. I'll probably send you in. Get a set of keys from the cubby under the register."
You pause and wait for John to get the keys. Once he does, you continue,
"It has three keys. Front door, closet, employee restroom. There is no back stock room. If it's not shelved, we don't have it. Also, the customer isn't always right. If someone's being a bitch, you can tell them. Fist fights are fine but don't destroy my shit. A guy named Jonghyun comes in sometimes. Never charge him full price for anything. I will fire you if you do. He's an angel and we will move heaven and earth to keep him happy." You explain.
"Is he your boss?" John asks. "Nope. He's just the only man I've ever met who doesn't turn my stomach and he's really wonderful." You reply.
John nods.
The patrons browse silently and you pass the tablet to John, "Fill this out. I'll approve it tonight and you're all set." You tell him and take a minute to sip your coffee.
John taps in his information and his hands are beautiful.
You stare at them for a moment before he interrupts you to inform you that he's finished, "Thanks, Y/n," he says.
"It's fine," You say casually.
John is chatty. It's not a bad thing but you don't talk much unless you're familiar with people and your social battery is still drained from going out for drinks with old college friends the previous night and listening to how much they envy you. They're all in long-term relationships, traveling every holiday, and living. How could they envy a life that's as thrilling as dryer lint?
As the days turn onward, you find that John is a splash of color to your grey backdrop.
You don't lose track of the days anymore, you look forward to drinking his coffee and teas, and you like listening to him tell you about himself.
You've learned that his family is short and that nobody expected him to grow to be well over six feet tall but his mom cheated on her husband with the really tall man who gave her a really great deal on a 1995 Chevy Cavalier.
You also learn that he played basketball in high school and college and could've gone pro but he hated it and just liked the attention from girls.
Your favorite newfound story is that his mother confessed the affair and that led to you to learning that his biological father, wasn't entirely a bad guy despite the circumstances and he gifted John a 2013 Jeep Wrangler that he still owns.
John likes to read, he likes cheap wine, samosas, and nineties video games. He prefers savory foods over sweet ones and his favorite thing about his new job is that he can get home to watch Wheel of Fortune on time.
"Date and Time is... really good, Y/n," John says on a snowy Valentine's Day morning. You nod and pretend not to notice the small heart-shaped box and a card in the cubby under your register, "What's your favorite poem?" You ask him softly.
For the first time, there's no bite in your voice; no vocal defense to continue building an invisible barrier to separate you.
"Repetition," he replies.
You stop reviewing the orders for the day, "Why?" You ask.
"Because... I don't know... it's pretty relatable I guess? Sunsets are just six PM now and I don't remember why I wake up anymore," he says and smiles bashfully.
You nod in agreement.
Phil fucking Kaye is a man who wrote your life story and never met you.
A man whose words hit you as if he called you out in a room full of everyone you've ever known and read your browser history aloud is bonding you to some guy you're not even sure you really even like.
"It's my favorite too," You pipe up, "My parents got divorced when I was younger but... they never fully separated. They co-parented under the same roof and it was just as bad as it sounds. All the other kids with divorced parents envied me but they didn't know how hellish it was and I was in the middle of it all. Sometimes they'd give each other the silent treatment for days and vent to me. I learned more about them than any kid should know about their parents and..."
You trail off and smooth out your sweater. John's interest is peaked and you don't feel like stopping yourself,
"Life became a game of repetition. Tense silence, being silently dragged in two opposing directions, never inviting friends over... after a while, I stopped calling it a bad life... it just became home life. After a while, hearing 'your mother is a selfish bitch' just becomes like anything else you hear. 'Time for dinner', 'your father's a liar', 'I never wanted kids', 'make sure you stay away from boys', 'I love you, kiddo'... all starts to sound the same."
John nods, "I get it. My stepdad- the guy I thought was my dad until the growth spurts started, made us do family therapy with my real dad. My mom broke their hearts. My dad didn't know she was married and my stepdad convinced himself that she only did it because she knew he'd give her a cheap deal on purchasing the car." John says with a frown.
"Did he ever come to grips with it?" You ask.
"Yeah... then he killed himself," John deadpans.
You gasp, "Oh shit. I'm sorry," You say and John just shrugs.
"I hear that a lot. It doesn't mean anything anymore. Like... what are you guys even sorry for?" he laughs humorlessly and turns to the registers, "You gonna stop pretending you don't see that?"
You sigh and give him a weak smile, "I didn't get you anything. I'm sorry," You say sheepishly.
"Don't be. It's not really conventional considering our 'I talk and you listen' relationship is literally just me talking and you listening. Open the card at least," he says and reaches for it.
He gently places it in your waiting hand and you open it. The pink card has a porcupine holding little red hearts in its tiny hands and beneath it are the words written:
"I think you're porcu-fine!"
You chuckle, "Really? That's cute," You say as you glance at him and notice his prideful smile,
"I finally made you smile," he says sweetly.
"The card made me smile," You object quietly.
"Come on, open it," he urges you.
You open the card and see a fifty-dollar gift card for Wine World and you smile again.
In his playful scrawl, there's a message inside the card on its white canvas:
I think you're a Moscato sort of lady. Happy Love Day, boss.
With love, John
You smile, "Thank you, John," You say quietly.
John waves a hand at you, "Seeing you smile is rewarding enough. I was beginning to think your face would crack if you ever tried to," he says.
"I feel bad for not getting you anything," You say, "I- This is really nice and I wanna thank you for this somehow."
John smirks, "You can come back to my place and we can order takeout and watch Wheel of Fortune or we could go somewhere and have dinner or... I don't know as long as we can eat together," he says as his eyes search yours.
You toss the idea around in your head. "It's not a date," You cautiously.
"Oh God forbid." He shoots back with a playful smirk.
You both opt for a Cuban restaurant and as you walk there, you realize that John lives a lot closer to the bookstore than you realized. Twenty minutes from the store and thirty-six minutes from your apartment.
"Now I'll have to bring you bagels on the weekends. Gross," he tells you as you both eat.
"You don't have to do that," You reply.
"It's more of a want. You like cinnamon raisin bagels, don't you?" he says.
You nod, "Yeah. How'd you know?" You suspiciously.
John smiles, "The way you like your coffee. Extra light and extra sweet. It was just a guess," he replies coyly.
You lean back in your seat, "Are you always so observant, Columbo?" You ask.
John nods, "Yeah. I can't help it and you're just so fascinating. You kinda remind me of Goob from Meet the Robinsons. I watch people come into the shop and they're so enamored with you- the waitress hasn't taken her eyes off of you since we got here and you just slump along... and you think you're universally despised or overlooked when in reality, everyone is in love with you and that scowl you can't seem to shake. You're an enigma."
John skirts his finger around the rim of his beer bottle and you frown, "Okay, Heath Ledger, did you practice that in the mirror while you were in the bathroom?" You mutter.
He laughs, "Of course I did. I made you smile today. Eventually, I'm gonna make you blush."
"Don't count on it." You tell him with as much conviction as you can muster up.
When the wine hits you, you feel sleepy and very cozy, "Take me home. I'm tired," You groan.
"My place or yours?" he asks teasingly.
"Yours." You say softly.
John's straightens up, "You don't mean that," he says but you know he's hoping that you do.
"Of course, I don't," You say with a satisfied smirk.
"Tease," he chuckles as he waves the waitress over for the bill.
John walks you right to your apartment door and his hand softly moves up to stroke your cheek, "See you tomorrow, boss," he says and you can see that he's also just a little too drunk.
"Will you make it home safely?" You ask him as you fish your keys out of your coat pocket.
"Yeah. I'll let you know when I get there," he says.
Before you can stop yourself, you hug him tightly, "Thank you for today. It was really good and I didn't realize how much I needed it," You whisper against his chest.
He circles his arms around you and then brings one hand up to stroke your hair, "Anytime," he whispers. He feels warm and smells good like old books, lemon balm, and aftershave.
You inhale him once more and let go, "I think I'll leave the shop closed tomorrow. We're supposed to get a snowstorm anyway. Take the day off " You say as you unlock your door.
"You got it, boss." John says as he slowly makes his way to the elevator.
You steal one last glance at him as the elevator doors close.
His brown eyes meet with yours and he winks.
Your intercom buzzes and wakes you up. "What the hell," You whine as you get up.
You practically drag yourself to the intercom, "What?" You grunt before pressing the listen button.
You refuse to react and opt to scream in your pillow once you're in the privacy of your bedroom.
"I have bagels and coffee. Let me in," John says and you can hear the wind whistling around him.
You buzz him in and run to brush your teeth. There's no time to tidy up but getting rid of your morning breath will do.
He knocks on the door and you rush to open it, "Are you insane?" You all but yell.
John smiles and if it were possible, he could beckon Spring back early.
His entire face is red and damp from the bitter bite of the wild snowstorm raging on outside.
He sets down his bag and you help him out of his coat, "I'll go put on some coffee. Jesus, John, you're a popsicle," You sigh.
You bring the bag into the kitchen and empty its contents onto the counter. Bagels, cream cheese, strawberry jam, and ground coffee.
You fight a smirk as you set up the coffee maker.
John comes in, "No funny business, hold me. I'm cold," he says as he waits for you with outstretched arms.
You stare at him unamused.
"Bring it in, mama. Daddy needs body heat," he says as he tries his damnedest to fight the playful grin tugging at the corners of his lips.
"No," You say standing your ground.
"I'm gonna get you. Come here, you grumpy shrew," he says in a mocking voice and he inches closer to you.
He encases his arms around you and you hum, "Fine but only because you brought me bagels," You don't mind hugging him.
Surprisingly, you love it.
"Whatever the reason, I don't care," he hums against the top of your head.
He leads you in a very slow dance and you rest against his chest still groggy with sleep.
He pulls back and stares at you, "I think this is the part where we kiss," he whispers.
You fight a smile, "Okay," You whisper back. "That's all? 'Okay'?" he laughs.
"Fine. Bring it in, daddy. Mama needs a kiss. Is that better?" You say sarcastically.
Johnny presses a hand into the small of your back, "That's perfect... Good girl," he purrs.
"Oh stop it," You hiss sheepishly as you press your face into his chest.
"Are you flustered? That means you're blushing. C'mon, lemme see that pretty face," he says and his voice is coated in sex and sweetness as he pulls back to examine your face.
You know he's filing this away for a later time and you avoid meeting his eyes with yours.
"You can let all of those guards down, Y/n. I've already got you and we both know it," he says smugly.
He dips down to press his lips to yours and you believe him.
He's got you.
You let him take the lead and he kisses you so hungrily that you have to fight to stop yourself from squeezing your thighs together in front of him.
"Why do you feel the need to get me?" You ask against his lips.
He squeezes you tighter to him and trails kisses along your jaw, "Because you've never made me feel special," he whispers.
"Well, no offense but... you're just a guy. Flawed and human like anyone else, why would I worship you?" You tell him.
"And that's exactly why I'm so drawn to you. Around you, I don't matter," he chuckles.
You look up at him, "You sound insane. Make it make sense," You say.
"I hit my first real growth spurt when I was ten. That's when everything fell apart and my mom confessed everything. How do you look your ten-year-old son in his eyes and tell him that the man he's been calling daddy- the man who signed his birth certificate and raised him isn't his actual father? At first, my biological dad rejected me and my stepdad cried every time he looked at me so I did what any rejected ten year old boy would do, Y/n... I made sure everyone liked me. Everyone, all the time. It wasn't hard because I was already the kid everyone liked but I just never had bad days, never had down days. I was just always smiling everywhere I went because I never smiled at home," John trails off and holds you as close as he can get.
You let him and you stroke his back, "You need therapy," You say and he laughs, "See what I mean?"
He kisses you again, "I didn't walk through a blizzard with bagels to be abused. Eat with me and then let's just sleep," he says and pulls away from you, "Come on."
You take two plates out from the cabinet over the sink, "Why didn't you drive?" You ask him.
"I hate driving when it snows," he says.
You two clamber into your living room; cups full of coffee and bagels on plates and you watch the snow wildly rip through the air. The silence is comfortable and John offers you a bite of his bagel. It's a plain bagel with a small amount of cream cheese and some strawberry jam. It's a nice change from your usual cinnamon raisin with more cream cheese than bagel.
"Am I your boyfriend yet?" he asks. It's a whisper of a question that you almost don't hear.
"Ask me later," You reply and turn to share a smile with him.
"Okay," he says and scoots over to you, "You have jelly on your lip and I would very much like to be a cheeseball and kiss it away... can I? I mean, it's not a lot so it'd be a waste to use a napkin."
You laugh and lean into him then lick your lips, "Did I get it?" You ask playfully.
"You want the truth?" he counters.
"Nuh uh," You say.
"It's still there," he whispers and leans in to slot his mouth against yours. Your stomach and chest flutter and flip.
"I think it's later now. Am I your boyfriend yet?" he hums against your lips and his tongue dips past your lips.
You nod.
John pulls away, "I wanna hear you say it."
"You're my boyfriend," You say to him and he smiles contently, "Righteous."
He gently takes your coffee cup from your hand and places it on the coffee table then guides your hands to his chest, "So we're together now. It's official," he says proudly.
Together.
After many dates and stolen kisses in the bookstore, you think you've completely fallen for John. His hands rubbing gentle circles into your back when he hugs you has become an addiction that you never hesitate to indulge yourself with. Your hardened exterior finally crumbled and you can honestly say that you love this man. He knows it but he's gentle and patient.
You shut down the registers and smile, "If you insist," You say softly.
"I do... Spend the night with me this time," he whispers as he comes up behind you.
"Too much dip on your chip, buddy," You say flatly as he turns you around to face him, "I can be convinced though."
John kisses your forehead, "We can have dinner and eat ice cream..." he kisses your lips then trails kisses down your neck, "Then I can paint your nails and we can watch a scary movie and I could hold you when you get scared."
He presses his lips to the pulse at the base of your throat and your eyes squeeze shut. "Paint my nails?" You repeat incredulously.
"I had a summer job in my cousin's nail salon for three summers," he says proudly, "I can even give you cute little decorations."
He has you as he always does and you just want to be as close to him as you can get. "Let's go then," You whisper.
You stop off at a pharmacy and pick up polish remover and a few bottles of nail polish. Pink, rusty orange, teal, and black.
"Okay, let's go see what ice cream they have," John says as his hand envelopes yours.
You let your mind wander, just for a moment, to how his hands would feel as they roamed over your body and you purse your lips.
You pass the family planning aisle and he stops, "Should we get condoms?" he asks you gently, "It's totally up to you."
You don't want to be so obvious so you pretend to think about it, "I think we should... just in case," You say shyly.
He leads you down the aisle and he actually looks nervous for a moment.
You squeeze his hand, "Well... you know yourself better than anyone," You pipe up as you stop in front of the array of condoms.
He chews his bottom lip as his eyes scan over the different boxes. He grabs a box of extra-large Magnums and you freeze in place.
John laughs quietly, "Are you okay?" he asks.
"I- I- uh- you got extra large. You know what size you picked up, right?" You babble.
John leans into you, "Yeah... I know, baby," he replies and his smile is just too delicious.
"Oh... okay then," You say and try to stay cool.
"I'll be gentle with you. I promise," h says and you all but collapse into a puddle.
After settling in and having dinner, you and John tidy up.
"Come get changed so we can do your nails," he says gently.
You nod and follow him into his room. He opens a drawer and takes out a slightly worn Keith Whitley t-shirt. "Pants or no?" he asks.
"No... I don't usually sleep in pants. Don't like it," You say as you take the shirt from him.
"I don't usually sleep in shirts," he says as he fishes sweatpants and another t-shirt out for himself. In a moment of bravery, you strip out of your jeans and sweater and fold them neatly then slip the t-shirt on.
"I was gonna give you some privacy but okay," John chuckles.
You shrug, "It's fine. It's just underwear," You say with a chuckle. John removes his clothes and you gawk just a bit.
"It's just underwear," he repeats and redresses.
You admire the Mike Nesmith t-shirt that he's wearing, "I've never seen these shirts. Are they bedtime exclusives?" You ask.
"Yeah... they've seen their better days," he replies, "Get comfy and I'll go get the polish."
You climb into his bed and inhale his fresh sheets. Your nerves send your thoughts in a thousand different directions at a million miles per hour. You inhale then exhale, "This is fine." You tell yourself.
You glance at his worn down copy of Date and Time on his nightstand and smile.
John comes back in, "Okay, let’s do this," he says as he gets into bed beside you, “Did you decide on a color yet?”
You nod, “Teal for my main color and... orange for my secondary color,” You say.
“Okay so I’ll do orange on your thumb and your fourth finger and the rest will be teal. Sounds good?” John asks as he rolls the teal bottle of polish between his hands.
“Yeah... what are you doing?” You ask him. “Mixing it. It’s better to roll the bottle instead of shaking it. Prevents air bubbles," he says and gives you a cocky grin.
“That’s cool,” You say and he leans in closer,
“Tip me for sharing my knowledge," he says playfully and puckers his lips.
You kiss him softly, “Do a good job and I’ll tip you again ” You say.
“Hold on. Let’s play some music," he says as he reaches past you to get his phone off of the nightstand, "What are you in the mood for, my love?"
You shrug, "Surprise me," You say. He pulls back and you watch him scroll for a minute. He smiles and taps his screen. Lucille by Kenny Rogers plays on the Bluetooth speaker on his dresser, "Here we go... y'know my stepdad liked country music. He had great music taste." John says.
"Did he?" You ask softly.
John nods and fond smile shines through, "I'm still curating a playlist of the songs we used to listen to... it was way too much to remember at once but every once in a while, another song comes back to me then I get to add it to what I have so far."
You smile at him, "Does it help you feel closer to him?" You ask him.
"Yeah... sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never left me" John replies and gets to work on your nails as you both share more stories.
John finishes your nails as hums along softly. "Your voice is pretty," You tell him.
He kisses you gently, "You think so?" he asks. You nod, "Yeah," You say as you pull him into a deeper kiss and he reaches behind you to put the bottles of polish on the nightstand.
"What are you getting at, huh?" he purrs against your lips. "Oh, nothing really." You reply coyly. John pushes you onto your back and stares you down, "Nothing at all?" he asks and peppers your lips and neck with kisses.
"My nails are wet, John," You whisper. "Oh right. Let me help them dry a little faster," he says and brings your hands up so he can gently blow on your nails. "John," You whine.
"They'll be dry soon. Are you wet somewhere else, baby?" he says as he eases up the hem of your shirt ever so slowly. You nod and carefully place your hands on his shoulders to prevent smudging your nail polish.
"Do you want me to touch you? I bet those pretty panties are soaking wet," he dips his hand into your panties and slowly eases his fingers past your folds, "Oh, baby... is this all for me?"
John rubs slow circles into your clit and your eyes flutter shut, "John... faster... please," You whimper. He watches you intently and you involuntarily spread your legs a bit wider. "You stay put and let those nails dry, sweetheart. I'm gonna see just how wet you are. I wanna taste you."
You've never let a guy go down on you and as much as you want it, you're afraid of it, "John... I- I- wait-"
"Baby, it's okay. I need you to trust me, okay? I promise you won't regret this. Just really want you... it's more of a need if I'm honest and if you'll let me, I'll make you feel so good,” John looks at you with hungry eyes and you nod, “Yeah... yeah,” You whisper and just like that, he’s inching down, raising your t-shirt past your hips, and hooking his fingers around your panties.
"Look at me while I do this, okay? Don’t close your eyes," he murmurs as he pulls your panties off entirely and tosses them to the side. You watch him with your hands placed awkwardly on your stomach and you want so badly to run your fingers through his hair.
He holds eye contact as he pushes two fingers into you and sucks on your clit. “John!” You shrill and he shifts to hook one of your legs over his shoulder then brings his arm around to hold you in place.
You buck your hips and throw your head back as you feel him bring you closer to the orgasm you’ve been dreaming about, “Please! Just fuck me, John... I need you inside me.” You beg and John pulls away.
He licks his lips and curls his fingers up to hit your spot, “I am inside you, pretty girl. Is this not enough? Tell me what you want,” he says softly.
“I want you to fuck me... please, John. I need you,” You beg and he sits up to take his shirt off. His toned body is all you need to stop caring about how dry your nails are and you trace your fingertips over his chest and down his stomach.
“Look at what you’re doing to me, Y/n. Feel it," he says and brings your hand down to stroke him through his pants. “Oh God, John,” You gasp. He feels huge and you’re afraid, excited, and overwhelmed all at once.
He bends down to kiss you hard, "I don't even know what I wanna do next... wanna suck your tits, wanna keep eating that pussy out, wanna turn you over and fuck you into this mattress... decisions, decisions," He purrs as he lifts you and takes your t-shirt off. He quickly unhooks your bra and flings it aside, "Shit, babe... Y/n."
He mouths at your nipples and rolls them between his fingers, "You're so gorgeous. Fuck... you like this baby?" he breathes as he presses his face into the valley between your breasts and breathes you in.
"Yeah... John... feels so good," You pant, "I can't take anymore. Please, please, please."
John laughs as he stands up, "Miss Y/n is a beggar? I never knew that. Miss grumpy little bookstore boss is begging to get slammed. Looks like you're gonna cry if I don't."
You sit up and tug at his pants, "And I will so stop fucking around and gimme it," You demand and he laughs before nudging your head which sends you falling back against the mattress. You both laugh and you reach up for him, "C'mon, please? I really will cry," You say in a small voice.
John takes down his pants and his boxers and you stare at his throbbing dick. "Oh shit," You gasp.
John smiles as he pulls you up by your hand, "Come on, beautiful. It's not so scary, right?" he says gently.
You scoff, "Yes it fucking is. Holy shit, John," You say. John laughs again, "Take your time with it. Come on. Open your mouth."
You can't deny that just the sight of him is making your mouth water despite the sheer anxiety. You try not to wonder if he'll even fit inside you but it tugs at the back of your mind.
You open your mouth and he slowly guides himself inside. He holds your head steady and slowly rolls his hips, "Such a good girl. See? You're doing great," he moans. You wrap a hand around the base of his cock and bob your head around him slowly; savoring the feel of him against your tongue and the back of your throat.
"You're so fucking pretty. God, you look so hot like this... Such a beautiful girl. Come here. I'm dying to get inside you," John says as he pulls back and pulls you up to press a hot, wet kiss to your lips before kicking his pants and boxers off.
He climbs into the bed and pulls you on top of him. He teases your clit with the swollen tip of his cock and for a moment, you want to stop and use a condom but you look each other in the eyes and silently agree that neither of you can be bothered.
He lines himself up at your entrance and you hold your breath in anticipation.
"Hey, hey... you gotta relax, sweetheart, okay?" he says as he gently strokes his thumbs against your hips.
"O-okay. Just... please be gentle," You whisper. "Of course. I promised you I would. Just keep breathing for me and don't tense up, okay? Just relax," he says warmly.
You inhale deeply and hold it for a second before exhaling and holding onto John's broad shoulders. "That's my girl," he moans as he slides into you and completely bottoms out. He stretches you beautifully as he waits for you to decide that you're ready.
You clench around him and he presses a searing kiss to your lips, "Take all the time you need," he whispers.
You can see the need in his eyes but he's patient with you just like he's always been. He kisses you again then drags his mouth over the skin of your jaw then down to the pulse at the base of your throat.
As you begin riding him, he holds you steady and sucks marks into your neck and chest, "Look at you fucking yourself on my dick. God, baby... you like that, huh?" he groans huskily.
"Yeah... I- oh fuck! I love it, baby." You pant. "Aw, you love me?" John chuckles playfully.
"Uh-huh... I do... so much." You whimper as your voice breaks.
John smiles, "I love you too, baby," he says as he grips your hips and thrusts himself into you. You cry out and wrap your arms around his neck, "Feels so good... yes, John. Yes, yes, yes- God! Please don't stop... please."
John flips the both of you over and looks down at you, "So wet baby,' he sighs as he traps your arms above your head, "You're taking me so well... like we were made for each other."
You clench around him, "I was made for this... for you to fuck me... made for you," You whimper and wrap your legs around his waist. John reaches for a pillow and positions it under your hips, "You wanna see God tonight?"
You stare at him eagerly, "I already am," You whisper and John fucks into you like his life is depending on it.
You take it and you feel him slam so deep into you that you spread your legs even wider because he just invokes something so lewd and desperate in you and he is God tonight. You worship him with each stroke and his name is a prayer on your tongue and down your throat. His eyes are your pearly gates and his hips are your hellfire.
He presses a hand down against your abdomen. He knows he's got you wrapped around his fingers and he laughs a breathless laugh, "I'm just a guy... flawed and human like anyone else. Why would you worship me?" he heaves as he gives you back your own words. "John," You squeak, "Please."
The way he pins you down drives you mad and you just want him to wrap his hand around your neck. You reach up for his hand and he gives it to you. You bring it down your lips and kiss his knuckles then bring it down to your neck, "Please?" You ask softly and John circles his hand around your throat just right.
"God, you're such a dirty girl. Let's try something else. I think you'll like it," he says as he pulls out of you. You whimper at the absence of him inside you as you let him reposition you on your hands and knees closer to the foot of the bed.
"See that mirror?" John asks as he points to his full mirror across the room. You nod. "Watch us," he says as he slides back into you.
John pulls you up and presses you back against him. One hand travels up to your neck and the other travels down to tease circles into your clit. "John!" You cry.
"Cum for me, baby. That's my good girl," he croons softly against your ear. His fingers speed up and you cum undone but he doesn't stop, "Let me know if this is too much," he moans. Your body lurches and twitches but you don't stop him. You're greedy for him and he knows it. You mew and whimper but you let him keep going.
"Is this my pussy now, baby?" he asks. "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes... fuck!" You whine and roll your head back against the firmness of his shoulder.
“Gonna cum, baby... oh, baby, yes, yes... baby," he moans and his hips stutter as he fills you. “John," You choke out and he doesn’t stop.
He pulls out and turns you onto your back before easing back inside. He lays on top of you while using one arm to support his weight and you cling to each other as he milks himself into you. “God, I never wanna fuckin’ stop," he groans.
“Then don’t stop... I don't want you to stop... please,” You beg as his hips sloppily collide with yours. He dips down to kiss you
He strokes into you a few more times before you both fall limp. As you both become more grounded, John sighs, “Ah shit.”
“What, baby? What’s wrong?” You ask him softly. “I fucked my boss. That is so unprofessional” He says and smirks. “What kinda boss fucks a subordinate? That’s so slutty.” You chuckle.
“Nah, she’s not so bad. Only slutty when she’s naked. Gotta look out for those quiet ones, y’know," he shoots back.
You both laugh. John kisses your forehead, “I love you," he says gently “I love you too.” You reply.
It takes a bit of effort but you both get up, shower, and then change his bedsheets. John gets you cozy in bed and presses a kiss to the corner of your mouth, “I’m gonna go get a morning after pill. Wait for me?” he says, mouth lingering for a moment. You nod and snuggle up beneath his comforter.
“We can eat some ice cream when I get back,” he kisses you and heads out. You lay in the silence of his room and replay the events from earlier. You blush as you remember the feel of his mouth on you and the way he moaned your name.
You roll over and eye his copy of Date and Time before sitting up to grab it. You flip the through the lightly worn pages before falling onto the poem that drew you both closer. A loose scrap of paper marks the page and you pluck it up to read it:
I told her I think she's beautiful. She said every guy who's ever fucked her over thought the same thing. Maybe she's not mean at all. Maybe she's just tired. Maybe repetition has made her tired?
He's not wrong. You slip the paper back into its place before closing the book and holding it close to your heart for a moment. Finally, you close the book and place it back on the nightstand. He really analyzed you and came to a conclusion in the very book you sold him. You feel yourself fall deeper.
It doesn’t take him long to come back. He brings you the pill with a glass of water and you take it. You laugh as the box of condoms sit atop his dresser still sealed up. “It’s funny how we grabbed those for ‘just in case’ like we didn’t already know what was gonna go down but it’s hilarious that instead of actually using one, you ended up getting stuffed and creamed like a cannoli," he chortles.
You blush, “I foresee an IUD in my future." John smirks, "More stuffin' and creamin'? Hell yeah.," he says with a fist pump. "Really, John?" You laugh. "Really, baby," he retorts.
The heat from outside billows into the store as John comes in. He ran to get lunch as you watched the store. “It’s swamp ass out there," he sighs as he wipes his brow, “But... daddy got those fuckin’ burritos, baby.”
You roll your eyes and smile, “You’re a mess,” You laugh. He brings the food and drinks behind the counter then looks you up and down, “I really love how that dress looks on you," he says as slides his hand up the back of your sundress to grip your ass.
“Stop it, John!” You hiss reluctantly.
“Shhhh, sweetheart. Nobody’s gonna know if you hush your pretty little mouth," he whispers and brings his hand around to slip down the front of your panties.
“John,” You whisper. The jazz instrumentals play over the store speakers and John pushes you against the back counter and rubs your clit slowly, “Gonna let daddy make you cum right here?” he asks into your ear.
You close your eyes and push your face into his chest, “Oh God," You whimper and he rubs you faster. “You’re so wet, baby. You should’ve told me... I would've taken care of you sooner," he purrs. You come undone and he pulls his hand from your underwear and slides them into his mouth to suck them clean, "Love the way you taste," he hums.
You laugh shakily, relived that he not only got you odd but that nobody noticed. “See? Nobody saw us and nobody heard you," he says softly.
“Confession time,” John says as you two cuddle up in the coolness of your air conditioned apartment. “Oh Lord Jesus,” You say as you sit up and straddle him.
“So uh... remember that day I came in and you hired me?” he asks. “Yeah. I do. Best day ever.” You say quietly.
He pinches your cheeks, “Well... remember how I said I didn't have a job?” he asks.
You nod, “Yeah...” You say and narrow your eyes at him suspiciously. “I didn’t lie or anything like that but I was on my way to work when I saw the sign in the window and... I went and quit then came back hoping like hell I wasn’t too late," he says.
You crack up, “You’re insane, John! What if you were too late?” You ask him.
“Then I would’ve crawled my sorry ass back to rhe coffee shop and begged for my job back.," he says with a shrug, “You were worth it.”
You smile and stroke his face, “Can I make a confession?” You ask. John nods. “I don’t recommend that book to everyone... Date and Time, I mean. It’s a really special book to me and I don’t just go telling everyone who needs a book recommendation about it,” You say.
John smirks, “I’ve been working in that store with you five days a week for almost two years now, sweet cheeks. I’ve never heard you recommend it to anyone. I already know but... why did you tell me about it?” he says and takes your hands in his.
You shrug, “Because when I looked at you, I felt like I was supposed to,”
He nods, “You liked me all along, didn’t you?” he asks smugly and you nod, “I did but that Valentine’s Day gift... that changed everything.”
John quirks up an eyebrow, “How?”
You stroke your thumb over his bottom lip, “The next morning, I woke up and I remembered why.”
#johnny smut#johnny suh smut#nct smut#nct 127 smut#nct fic#nct 127 fic#neoculturecollectives#kpop smut#kpop fic#nct ambw#nct hard thoughts#nct hard hours#kpop smut fic#nct 127#kpop#nctzen#johnny#Johnny suh#nct fanfiction#nct 127 fanfiction#kpop fanfiction#nct x reader#nct x black!reader#nct#ambw nct#nct x plus sized reader#nct x black reader#kpop ambw#ambw fanfic
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ʙʟᴜᴇ ʟᴏᴄᴋ ʙᴏʏꜱ ᴡ/ ᴀᴅʜᴅ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ!!!
Headcanons
characters: Bachira, Chigiri, Isagi, Rin, Nagi and Kunigami (before wild card)
Manga spoilers? idk
Info: headcanons, NB reader, fluff, Rin and Kunigami might be a little ooc
requested? (no/yes) request status: open!
Warning: Meds…? and overstimulation/sensory overload
Note: This is heavily based on my own personal experiences being a neurodivergent person
Meguru Bachira!
He also has ADHD you cannot tell me otherwise.
He doesn’t take meds tho, but one time he did and everyone was so weirded out, he was more quiet than usual and wayyy less touchy, everyone in the team thought that he was angry at someone or something, once you explained that he took the adhd meds thats morning everything made sence.
You two are the cutest couple! Both of you share the same hyperfixation over football and every time you stim wen you make a goal Bachira stims with you, he listens clearly every time you info dump about your favorite topic
Overstimulation/Sensory overload
Wen Bachira is over stimulated he gets irritated very easily, everything is too much for him, the lights are too bright, everything and everyone is loud, his monster keep yelling at his ear too, don’t try and go talk to him he will 99% tell you to leave him alone or fuck off and don’t touch him either, even the smallest touch make him angry. The best that you can do to help is get him away from the environment to somewhere quiet, give him a sweet, his favorite snack or drink and wrap him up on a heavy blanket if possible, wen he calmed down you can cover him on hugs and kisses.
He notices very quickly wen you are overstimulated, if he’s talking to someone and he notices that everything feels overwhelming to you he will end the conversation right on the spot, if you are okay with touch he will grab your hand and get you to somewhere quiet, will hug tightly if you let him, well teach you breathing exercises that his mother thought him wen he was little Wonce you have calmed down he will ask if you want to back, stay with him a little more or leave whatever the place that you guys are at.
“C’mon I’ll buy you a candy on the way back”
Hyoma Chigiri!
He thinks you are a little annoying at first, but quickly gets used to you and Bachira.
One time you took meds one time without telling him, you were unusually quiet got irritated very quickly and easily, he thought that you were mad at him he asked you all day what’s wrong, even wen you told him that nothing was wrong he wouldn’t believe you, once you told him that you took you meds that morning he told you to never take it again.
He loves to hear you info dump about your favorite interest, will let you play with his hair wile you’re at it, he finds so adorable every time you stim wen you see something that you are really passionate about, he mimics you sometimes heh, you two are sooo adorable together you are constantly playing with his hair doesn’t matter what you two are doing.
Overstimulation/Sensory overload
He doesn’t know what’s wrong, suddenly you became unresponsive and really cranky, he will hold your hand all the time and ask you what’s wrong, you finally tell him that you want to go somewhere quiet as fast as possible, he quickly understands and if he is talking to someone he will politely end the conversation and get you somewhere quiet
He asks what he can do ti help, if you don’t respond he will let you pat his hair until you calmed down, once you did he asked what happened, you told him that everything was overwhelming, the lights were too bright, everything was loud, you explained what overstimulation was and he quickly understood.
“If that happen again, I will always be here for you”
Yoichi Isagi!
He hangout with Bachira for a wile, he thinks you are adorable!
You and the bee boy have to take turns to hug Isagi, often ends up in fights tho Bachira doesn't really know how to share, if you took meds he will obviously tell the difference everyone at the team can, but he doesn't put that much thought into it.
He loves wen you stim and do it with you too!
Mimicked you so many times that he started to do it do is so adorable, this also counts for verbal stimming. He will listen to you info dumping with a bright smile on his face.
Overstimulation/Sensory overload
Isagi helps Bachira wen he has overstim episodes, so he knows what to do, he will brings noise cancelling headphones with, fidget toys and snacks so that every time that you or Bachira start feeling overwhelmed he will hand them to you.
He looks like a single mother handing their child an ipad.
If they don't' work Isagi will drag you to a calmer place with less people, he will hold your hand and talk with you until you feel better.
"Hey its okay, I'll help you honey"
Itoshi Rin!
Rin thinks you are so fucking annoying.
You are constantly talking on his ear, can't sit still for 1 minute straight, if you take the meds one day he will find your behavior a little strange but will be pleased by it, you finely let him alone and stopped talking for once, wen you told him that you took the meds Rin told you to take it every day cuz you were annoying as fuck.
Wen you accidentally info dump next to him he does his best to ignore you, he finds it so annoying, and wen you stim too
He thinks is ridiculous.
Overstimulation/Sensory overload
Rin thinks you are just being over dramatic.
Until you start crying, but he doesn't ask what's wrong he just stares at you for a couple of times, you crying is so annoying to him wen anyone cry actually.
He will just stand there until you are done with you little show
"Can you stop? You are embarrassing yourself"
Seishiro Nagi!
“Where do you get all that energy?”
He doesn’t understand how you and Reo can still keep you eyes open after training, just seeing you run/jump around makes him even more tired but after some time he gets used to your loud and energetic personality, if you took meds he would find it strange that you are acting really quiet but wouldn’t get so bothered by it, wen Reo is not around you’ll have to carry him everywhere.
Nagi tries his best to not sleep wile you are info dumping, he doesn’t think the topic is boring not at all, your voice makes him sleepy but he’ll do his best to listen all that you have to say, will make you hyperfixate on his favorite game, he wants someone that he can play with
He likes to play solo but company never murdered someone
Nagi doesn’t get why you stim wen you are talk about something you like, he finds it cute, till one day he beat one of the hygienist scores in his game without even noticing he was stimming he had “developed” this habit after hanging out with you for a long time
Overstimulation/Sensory overload
He would immediately notice that something is wrong, you were avoiding eye contact, got irritated very fast and would refuse any kind of physical touch even the smallest ones, he would drag you away from the place you two were in to somewhere quiet and with less people
Nagi would let you borrow his earphones, so that you could listen to some music maybe play some games so that you could calm down, he wouldn’t say a word he would just sit next to you till you were fully okay, he would ask if everything was alright and if you wanted to leave and go home, his social battery was dying anyway
“Do you want to go home? I’m tired too”
Rensuke Kunigami!
He fucking loves you
Kunigami thinks you are so adorable, your energetic and loud personality you’re always really exited to train and practice he just can’t get enough of you!
He would love to hear you talk about your interests all day, wile his eating, training, practicing he wants to hear your voice all day.
If you took meds one day he would think that something was bothering you, he would ask all day if you were okay cuz you seem really quiet, until you told him that you had took the meds and that everything was okay he wouldn’t let you alone,, Kunigami loves wen you stim, is so adorable.
He would get fidget toys for you
He read so many articles and blogs about adhd he finds it really interesting and is looking forward to learning more about it <33
Overstimulation/Sensory overload
Like I said, he has read lots of stuff about adhd in the internet, overstimulation is one of them
Once he notices that everything is overwhelming to you and that you started being unresponsive, he quickly got you to somewhere quiet and calm and made you do some breathing exercises with him, he would get you your favorite snack or a plushie to help you calm down.
Thank you so much for reading! This took me a long time to write heh
Might do a part 2 with Karasu, Sae, Shidou, Kaiser, Reo and Kunigami (after wild card)
reblogs are appreciated <;33
#headcanon#adhd#adhd reader#blue lock x reader#blue lock bachira x reader#blue lock#blue lock headcanons#blue lock x you#blue lock x y/n#blue lock nagi#isagi yoichi#chigiri x reader#chigiri hyouma x reader#itoshi rin#rin x reader#kunigami x reader
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Cotl Fanfic - Thoughts & Opinions?
So, this is the first post on this new account and it's a question for my Cult of the Lamb fandom pookies. I just recently got the game and I'm obsessed with it and have been thinking about writing a BUNCH of fanfiction.
So I wanted notes and suggestions on some things, and I might even make polls on some of them, starting most importantly with the topic below:
Gender, Pronouns, and Sexuality that are so far, are solely based on vibes and what I've seen the rest of the fandom agreeing on (And canon of course):
- The Lamb's identity will probs change depending on the fic type, but for most of them they will be assigned male at birth, He/They & Pansexual. Simple and sweet because our lamb boi is just tryna SURVIVE out here in a cult of idiots that can't even cook their own food or clean up their own shit. (Is this just me wanting to write more he/they characters in my stories because I'm he/they? Yes. Yes, it is folks.)
- Narinder is transgender male He/Him. I'm making him transgender male because I said so. I want more trans rep guys, leave me alone. & Homosexual because if his whole vibe and personality doesn't scream gay angsty emo cat I don't know what else in this world does.
- Leshy is cisgender He/Him. I can imagine him experimenting with they/them though. I may include something on that... If anyone has any notes on that I'm all ears. Best Bi. His level of chaos just radiates ADHD bisexual with way too much energy and free time.
- Heket is cis-gender She/Her. The only girlie in the family, fates have mercy on her and her patience. A lesbian for sure. I think the whole fandom just sort of agrees on this, right? With like, lots of wives because she is a highkey baddie? At least that's the impression I've been given based on all of her fanart and simps.
- Calamari- Sorry, I mean Kallamar, is cis-gendered He/Him. I was thinking of making him a transgender man too? Idk, I've just been told the cis's need rep too, and it made me gag and now I want to wave my magic writer wand and make all the characters trans and nonbinary. Opinions on that are welcome. Anyway. A pansexual, and I hear he canonically had multiple spouses? Despite looking like he has zero rizz. I mean, damn. Good for him I guess. Go squid boy, go.
In this, he's gonna be single though, because I like the idea of him struggling to find new spouses and Heket laughing at his struggle.
- Shamura is absolutely nonbinary they/them. A friend has told me this is canon, and that people may gun for my fucking throat if I change it. Not that I really want to, it fits. Shamura is lowkey one of my favorites. I just like spiders. I'm also deeply afraid of them and cry if I see them irl. I also think they're bisexual in the exact opposite way as Leshy, in that they are a calm, mildly tired wine aunt of the family, mixed with the senile grandparent that snores loudly then stops and everyone pauses and looks at each other like 'Are... Are they fucking dead?'
Anyway, this is a long post, but I needed to get this out there before I started writing stuff for this fandom. Any opinions are welcome, but no bullying other people's thoughts, and be chill guys.
Fr. I'm like a skittish cat, you'll scare me away, and then no one gets fanfiction.
#cotl#cult of the lamb#fanfic#fanfiction#cotl fanfic#cotl lamb#cotl narinder#cotl leshy#cotl heket#colt kallamar#cotl shamura#idk how to tag this#seriously#pls help#idk what im doing#but like#opinions wanted#cotl headcanons#headcanon stuff#okay bye
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are you more or less likely to like the percy jackson show if you have adhd?
TL;DR at the bottom
this whole idea came about because i was seeing people complain about the pacing of the show and i was so confused because i thought the pacing was perfect and then i thought maybe it's because i have adhd and so of course i would think the pacing was great and so i ran a poll to look at the results and here are those results
important things to note
a) i have adhd (diagnosed)
b) i study a stem degree
ok here we go
short answer
statistically no, but i disagree (i'll get to it)
longer answer
i did a poll comparing if you have adhd and if you like the show, these were the results (and here so you can see how i wanted people to answer)
(yes i voted, my opinion also counts)(and yes, there are flaws in the design but i only had 12 options and this was mainly about adhd)
and idk about you but looking at those numbers i can see a few things
number 1: most people like the show, 87.8% in fact
and if you take out the people that didn't care, it's 92.9% of people who did care aka a lot
quick stats rundown
for everyone with adhd (thats the first 6 options) 3% didn't like the show
for those with other neurodiversities and not adhd, it was 12%
yeah, thats 4 times higher (it works out at a whole 2 people but again, limits of the poll)
ANYWAY, i ran some statistical tests (don't stress, i don't understand them either, i will not be focussing on them)
first, chi squared (compares expected values for each option with the actual values i got)
yeah that number is small, like very small, like 2.8 quintillionths
but i ran it in R and got a very different number
and oh lookie here that's a p-value about 0.05 and so we must accept the null hypothesis (basically that yeah, that's expected)
which makes NO SENSE but whatever, the computer tells me it's that
enough of chi-squared, i also ran a z-test (i googled what to do and apparently this was the right test, idk what it does ngl)
i didn't run this one in R bc i have no idea how to do that
but the p-value is again, about 0.05 and so accept that there is no significant difference
BUT I DISAGREE
ok i don't disagree with the stats but i disagree that there isn't a difference
it doesn't take a genius to see the difference
3% of people with adhd didn't like the show but 12% of other nd's did like-
come on that has to mean something
so i ran a chi squared test on just the adhd data and...
1.9 octillionths
wha-
so did it in R and got a warning saying it probably wasn't accurate (it's probably the 0) so i ran fishers exact test (idk man thats what i was told to run by the internet) and got this...
so errrrrr yeah
apparently the same goes for the adhd data to which i can kind of get but also dont when
0.6% of people didn't like the show and were diagnosed as an adult but 1.2% didn't like the show and were self-diagnosed, with almost the same number of votes (it works out as a 1 person difference)
and no one who was diagnosed as a child disliked it like WHAT?!?!?!
also no neurotypicals disliked it, love y'all for that /gen
idk, i think the sample size is too small to run accurate tests, that or im doing it wrong which is a very high probability
so whilst statistically, the answer is no, i'm seeing a pattern emerge
but i am a scientist so i cannot say yes or no which SUCKS bc i see a pattern and i want to know MORE but tumblr doesn't have a great mechanism for polls so i can't ask all the questions i want to
TL;DR
the stats say there's no significant difference and so i must concur even if i don't want to
the show was amazing and i'm very excited for season 2 for reasons i don't want to spoil for people who haven't read the book (but go read the books they are just as good)
#i had too much fun with this#percy jackson#percy series#percy pjo#percyjackson#percy jackon and the olympians#pjo series#pjo fandom#pjo#pjo tv show#percy jackson show#adhd#neurodivergent#poll#polls#fandom polls#tumblr poll#tumblr polls#stats#poll stats#statistics#fandom#fandom things
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For the ship ask game:
Sigma(Autism, ocd) and Nikolai(adhd, bpd, and schizophrenia)
💮🪷🌹🌷🌲
Long post up ahead! Also using they/them for Sigma (ngl I was so close to using she/her for Nikolai then I remembered that this is not about the fem DOA agenda).
💮- If one of the characters in the ship are having a bad disability day how long does it take the other(s) to pick up on the fact that they're struggling? Are they good at picking up on the signs, if not, is there a point that they do notice without being told?
Hmm, this is an interesting question. I think Nikolai is better aat picking up on body language than Sigma, so if Sigma is having compulsions and/or is overwhelmed Nikolai picks up on it and carries them out of wherever they're stuck in.
Sigma on the other hand is not very good at picking up on subtle hints, they only seem to realize when Nikolai is having an episode which does make them hate themselves. It's ironic because Nikolai isn't one to hide his emotions or his mental health (if he's suffering everyone within a 10 mile radius will know), it's just that Sigma's autism can impact how much they can pick up on, how dedicated they are with work and how rapid Nikolai's mental health can change, it doesn't give them a lot of opportunity to notice.
🪷- If all characters in the relationship are disabled, what would happen if all of them were having a bad disability day?
This is a complex situation because usually when the other is in a bad place they both want to care for the other. They will go to lengths to try and help, but usually this makes them both worse and/or can lead to arguments. Because of this a third party is usually brought in to make sure that they're both okay and coping.
🌹- How did the people in the relationship find out that their partner(s) are disabled? Was it a shock? Did the disability happen while they were already in their relationship?
I think for Sigma they've always known that Nikolai struggles with his mental health, so when Nikolai opened up about his diagnosis they took the time to research each disability and make sure that they were prepared (or at least as prepared as you can be for these types of things).
Nikolai picked up on Sigma having autism pretty much instantly, although given that Sigma wasn't created until recently, they don't know they're neurodivergent until Nikolai asks them about it directly. Sigma then goes to a doctor and starts a diagnostic process soon after.
However Nikolai is not ready for the ODC diagnosis, although when he thinks about it this makes sense, but he hadn't thought about it too deeply considering that he doesn't know a lot about OCD.
🌷- How does being disabled imapct their love life? For example does it impact their date nights, activities they can and can't do as a couple, ect. (Note that this isn't a NSFW unless you want to answer it that way.)
Yes, pretty heavily. If they want to go out anywhere Nikolai has to be near an exit and against a wall so no one can sneak up on him from behind.
Sigma can't do places like movie theaters (too overwhelming sensory wise), Nikolai doesn't do well in the dark, Sigma doesn't eat specific foods from specific places, even being at home together can be an issue because Nikolai gets bored of being in the house too long.
They're still trying to work out where is the best place for them, but currently open nature based places (ie parks and fields) are a safe bet.
🌲- How do they accommodate eachother? Do they have a routine that helps with this? Do they do this consciously or subconsciously?
Nikolai is very much aware of how he accommodates Sigma, making sure that their spaces are clean and orderly, his natural instinct is to make a mess and be as loud as possible so he sometimes finds it hard to mellow himself as to make sure that Sigma is comfortable.
Sigma is also aware that they're making accommodations for Nikolai, with autism it's hard to put someone else first sometimes so it's a very deliberate thing that they have to do. The issue is that Sigma has had no prior experience being in a romantic relationship so they research pretty much everything before they do it. Nikolai finds this adorable and has told them not to worry so much (this only makes Sigma worry more) but their efforts are appreciated and acknowledged.
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woe freerun doodles be upon ye. (including notes)
^ these are from a stupid comic idea i'll purrobably n ever finish but it's essentially the post that's like "imagine if the bootboys cut off feetmans rat tail" and i was like "yes. now imagine if it was freerun-"
v these are just freeruns i have lying around.
personal freerun notes below if they interest you *jingles my keys at you*
this is just my personal personification of my own half life speedruns. i think it'd be funny if everyone had their own unique design so the freeruns could fist fight when someone gets a better time than them.
• Is aware that he is in a game. he's here for a fun time, not a long time.
• ^cause of this, he's capable of abusing game mechanics, like object boosting, bunnyhopping, fucking with the fps- yada yada
• Has quick save and quick load abilities (heavily nerfed in the freemanverse)
• Hard of hearing. extreme tinnitus. He can, and WILL talk, and knows how to read lips, but knows LSM for emergencies
• Has memorized map triggers, med stations, and ammo/weapon locations
• Bunny hopping looks like normal ass sprinting from others pov, but he's like ABNORMALLY fast and it's really weird to watch him disappear down a long hall way in under 2 seconds
• really anything he does that's game breaking looks super weird. he looks like a damn cartoon character running around
• ADHD up the wazzoo
• like how feetman loses his arm. and i hc freemind lost his eye, at the end of chp9 freerun gets his damn ponytail cut off. every time.
• ^used to lose his hearing aids too, but going through the game enough times he learned to pocket them before getting jumped.
#freemanverse#submit to my half life freerun mind#gordon freerun is my special man and i love him#gordon freerun#he's basically an oc now....#my art
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on the topic of school (gross, i know)
do you have any specific headcanons of what classes the mean girls characters would take? like, regina taking a creative writing class or something like that.
adhd is kicking my ass I gave up on my own school but YES I DO (note - im british, im working off what I know about American classes and then also UK classes)
Cady: Takes physics and biology. She loves physics because maths and she loves human/animal biology, but doesn’t care about plant biology even a little bit. I can see her taking an engineering/technology class too? She’s a STEM girlie in a group of humanities
Janis: Pretty much as many art related subjects as she can, and also film. She takes the bare minimum of required classes because she just doesn’t enjoy them and has a hard enough time paying attention in class as is.
Damian: Theatre!!! And choir. He takes performance subjects and then something like biology as well, I think. A very standard schedule with a skew of performance.
Regina: History, politics and creative writing! She gives me big politics vibes and takes history (probably not US history, something like European history). She could easily take some AP classes and do well in sciences, but she doesn’t really care all that much.
Gretchen: She takes similar classes to Regina to be with Regina (many reasons for this,), as well as language classes. I’m not sure which languages, but definitely not French. She’s also not on-level english, she definitely takes a higher English class. Also psychology!!!!!! Gretchen takes psychology and it makes her over think everything.
Karen: Whatever classes will help her pass the best. Something like art, choir, performing arts/theatre. She also takes a science because she has to for credits but she hates it so much. I strongly hc her dyslexic and dyscalculic and if i keep talking, I’ll make this hc too kangst (karen angst 😭).
Aaron: He takes home economics to me and everyone can fight me on this. Other than HE, history, French and AP English. His biggest achievements is that he is on higher level english and maths classes, even though he’s struggling quite a bit, but won’t admit it. Also does all the sport ever. He’s a four seasons athlete.
I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted/is too much 😭 I have big feelings
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nostalgia - part 3
Kane(Annihilation) x afab!reader
summary: Kane begins to remember something. (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Fusion + soulmates)
word count: 900
warnings: The end! (I initially wanted to do more with this story but my adhd says no :( so this is it)
you can also read it on ao3
part2 - masterlist
“It's really solid this time of year.”
This could be dangerous. “Oh, I don't know.”
“Come on.”
She is very persistent.
“Oh. So beautiful.”
“Isn't it?”
She starts to run towards to the center of the frozen river.
What is she doing? “Uh, don't go too far.”
“Whoo! Oww! Ow!”
Aaand she fell. “Are you okay?”
“Ouch! Ohh! Oh, my ass!”
“I think I should go back.”
“Oh come on. Come on! Come here.”
He walks towards her reluctantly.
“What if it breaks?”
“What if? Do you really care right now?”
No. No, he doesn’t.
“Here, let me show you this one thing.”
She lies down.
“What are you doing?”
“Come on.”
He sits on the ice.
“Think I heard a crack.”
“It's not gonna crack or break or...It's so thick.” She says as she pulls him down to lie down too.
“So, show me which constellations you know.”
Does he know any? Did he use to?
“Um... Oh.I don't... know any.”
“Show me which ones you know.”
“Okay.” He hesitates for a second “Oh. Here's Osidius.”
“Where?”
“Right there. See? Sort of a swoop and a cross. Osidius the Emphatic.” He just really made that up.
“You're full of shit.” She giggles. It’s a really nice sound.
“Nope. Osidius is right there. Swoop and cross.” He insists for… fun?
“Shut the fuck up!” She cracks up.
***
“Hey…” He gently wakes her up.
“Hey.”
“Sorry to wake you, but we're... here.”
“Ahh. Can I come over to your house...to sleep? I'm so tired.”
He freezes for a second. Is Lena at home? No, she’s at work. Does he care what would Lena think of this? The answer doesn’t bother him as much as it should for some reason…
“Okay. Um, yeah. Sure.”
“Let me get my toothbrush.” She jumps out of the car.
He waits.
A knock on the car’s window makes him jump.
“Yes?
“Can I help you?” The man says.
What? “What do you mean?”
“Can I help you with something?”
“No.”
“What are you doing here?”
What is he on about? “I'm not really sure what you're asking me.”
“Oh.” The man deflates “Thanks.” The man walks away.
That was weird, he thinks.
“Vámonos, señor.” She announces her presences suddenly.
She’s really lively. It makes him warm inside somewhere deep.
“I-I had a really nice time last night.” He says hesitantly.
“Nice?”
Oh, that word again!
“Okay, I had the best fucking night of my entire fucking life.” Not knowing if it’s true… but he believes it.
She grins “That's better.”
She look at some documents on her lap.
“This is weird. To all patients of Dr. Howard Mierzwiak. My name is Mary Svevo. "We've met, but you don't remember me. I worked for a company you hired to have part of your memory erased. I have since decided that this is a horrible... In order to correct this, I'm sending everyone's files back to them.”
She puts the tape that came with the file.
Her voice rings through the speakers.
“I'm here to erase Kane”.
What? ”What is this?”
“I don't know.” She’s unsure of herself for the first time he notes.
“He's boring. Is that enough reason to erase someone? I've been thinking lately how I was before and how I am now, and it's like he changed me. I feel like I'm always pissy now. I don't like myself when I'm with him. I don't like myself anymore. I can't stand to even look at him. That pathetic, wimpy, apologetic smile. That sort of wounded puppy shit he does, you know? “
“What is this? What are you doing?”
“I… I'm not doing anything!”
“Are you screwing with me?”
“No!”
“You are screwing with me.”
“Kane, I'm not!”
“You clearly are.”
“Look, let's just take a minute and...”
“Get out.”
“Kan-“
“Out!”
She gets of the car.
Is this anger he feels?
***
“Hi. The door was open…“
She’s here. At his house. How…ah.
“Look what I found.” He points to the tape player that is currently playing his interview with the doctor. “I'm sorry I yelled at you.”
“It's okay.”
They look each other for a while.
“Kane, I really like you. I hate that I said mean things about you.”
“Let me turn this off, okay?”
“Hey, it's... it's only fair.”
“You want a drink or something?”
“Do you have any whiskey?”
The things he says in that record are… cruel.
“Hey. Sorry. I thought there was more.”
They both try to ignore the words but…
“I'm so sorry. I'm sorry about all this.”
“I think i'm gonna... go. I'm a little confused. I don't really think I can be here.” She says.
He can’t argue.
“Um... bye.”
“Bye.“
She walks out the door.
A moment later he decides to follow her.
“Wait.”
“What?”
“I don't know. Just wait. Just… wait.”
“What do you want, Kane?”
“I don't know. I want you to wait for... just a while.”
“Okay.”
“Really?”
“Look, I'm not a concept, Kane. I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind. I'm not perfect. “
“…I can't see anything that I don't like about you.”
“But you will. You will. You know, you will think of things, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped...because that's what happens with me.”
“Okay.” He wants this.
“Okay?”
“Okay.” He smiles.
“Okay.” She smiles too.
#onevolon fic#kane annihilation#annihilation kane#kane x reader#kane#oscar isaac characters#oscar isaac fic#oscar isaac fanfiction#oscar isaac hernandez estrada#oscar isaac
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Random Ann headcanons because I’m bored
♡An absolute menace while driving, please don’t put her behind the wheel
♡(She has a lot of road rage and is pretty reckless when it comes to driving)
♡Is very scared of ghosts but Shiho keeps trying to get her to use a ouija board in old abandoned buildings
♡Has breakdowns often and can immediately be calmed down by the promise of Ben&Jerrys Phish Food ice cream
♡On that note, is a massive crybaby
♡Beautiful Princess Disorder (ifykyk)
♡Has to wear fake eyelashes 24/7 and feels naked without them
♡When she has enough energy to do makeup but not enough to do a full face her essentials are: winged eyeliner, fake lashes+mascara, blush, a red lip and her fav Fenty highlighter (Diamond Bomb in Rosé Rave)
♡Her parents are rich and she has expensive taste in most things, constantly tries to give her friends money and buy them things but they always refuse
♡(As she gets older her parents slowly stop sending her money and she has to learn to fend for herself)
♡Flips back and forth between “I am the most beautiful person in the world” and “I am so ugly I hate myself and I want to break every mirror in my house” very often
♡Has an absurdly large collection of candles
♡Is very indecisive (and picky) about her signature fragrance. Has tried many, many perfumes but still hasn’t found the perfect one so she smells different almost every day
♡Really bad ADHD, has medication but always forgets to take it
♡Her absolute fav color is red and she has to have everything in red. Pink is second but red will always be #1
♡Sanrio girlie through and through
♡Loves binging shitty reality tv shows like Too Hot to Handle, Jersey Shore, Say Yes to the Dress, and any Gordon Ramsey shows
♡Her guilty pleasure food is Chik-Fil-A (pretending Japan has it)
♡Her main music taste is 2000s-2010s pop (Ke$ha, Britney Spears, etc) but has a very large variety of music she likes
♡Her go-to breakdown song is What Was I Made For? by Billie Eilish (also she cried at least 4 times during the Barbie movie)
♡Shiho loves going to antique stores and trying to buy cursed objects which upsets Ann GREATLY
♡(A real interaction that happened) Shiho: *holding a crowbar* This object has really intense energy.. you think someone murdered someone with it? Ann: DONT YOU DARE THINK ABOUT BUYING THAT
♡Was a Legend of Zelda girlie as a kid and still loves the series. Zelda is one of her biggest kins
♡Mean girls is her favorite movie
♡Is a practicing pagan* with Hecate as her patron goddess
♡*I say practicing lightly because she often completely forgets about it and is terrible at keeping up with holidays, routines, rituals etc
♡Has a drinking problem
♡Vomits incredibly easily, accidentally vomited on Shiho once
♡Listens to true crime podcasts while doing her makeup
♡Uses said true crime podcasts for ideas for her plan in her head to murder Kamoshida and get away with it
♡Besides Zelda her other favorite franchises are Barbie, Studio Ghibli, Sailor Moon and Monster High
♡Ryan Gosling is her celebrity crush and she especially fell in love with him after seeing him as Ken
♡Is definitely dating Shiho but could also be dating Ryuji, Futaba and/or Goro (everyone loves her)
♡She is besties with Akira (though this is very specific characterization of Akira who is transfem and straight)
♡They’re strictly best friends but they have no boundaries. They will take baths together or make out because they’re bored and lonely
♡Had to cut her hair to a bob once because her split ends were getting so bad and she cried for a week
♡Is INCREDIBLY protective of her friends and will drop anything to help them. Has been the shoulder people cried on many, many times
#I know some people are offended by the beautiful princess disorder thing but it’s a joke I have BPD and humor is my coping mechanism#these are all hyper-specific because I’m an ann fictive and this is all just shit about Me lol#I know I’ve mentioned I’m an ann fictive like 50 times on this blog in the past week or so but I do not care ♥️#also sorry it’s so long oops!!#ann takamaki#persona 5#p5
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Hop headcanons next please🥺
Pokemon SWSH - Hop Headcanons (General)
YES SOMEONE WHO SHARES THE LOVE FOR PRECIOUS HOP!!! I honestly feel so bad for him cuz he always is trying his best and ended up not getting it I felt so bad :( but here's some headcanons as requested :D
Ok so right off the bat Hop has ADHD. Have you seen how much energy the kid has?? Honestly goals I need that energy
Everyone kinda takes him to be a super positive ball of sunshine 24/7 but not only is that unrealistic, Hop would not be that way all the time
Like he totally tries to hide it but he was crushed not being able to be the Champion. He settled for Professor to try and distract himself.
He felt like he was disappointing his brother and his parents
Poor guy probably has really bad anxiety :(
But on a happier note, he has many fond memories with his family and his Pokemon
When he was a kid his favorite activity was rolling down hills in the Wild Area with the Wooloo
Also really loved camping with Leon, but never went too far because Lee would get them lost
I'm sorry but if you don't think that Hop and Leon have gone flying around with Charizard you are simply incorrect
He still believes Santa is real
Thank Leon for dressing up every year
I feel like he has a plant. Maybe a mini cactus or something. Idk
Oh but it's a fake plant. Because he's killed so many forgetting to water them to the point where it's just plastic
But that's ok because it makes him happy
He likes going to the battle cafe, it gives his Pokemon a fun challenge and they all get to have a sweet treat after
Overall he's just a sweet kid doing his best and that's all anyone can really ask for
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for the character + emoji thing - Jake, Liam and Henry TMF and the sunset duo (any TMNT show): ❤️🧡💛💚📖🏡❤️🩹😋
(sorry if this is a bit much 😅)
omg omg ok
idk if it’s meant to be in order or i do all of these for each character listed? i’ll do the latter because i think it’d be more fun
(sorry if these aren’t great, i’m trying my best)
OK!
JAKE
otp - a tie between jaisy and jenry. both mean absolutely everything to me, just for different reasons! (i’m a big fan of fluffy ships and stupid ships)
everyone i ship with this character - daisy, henry, liam and drew (how did this pathetic guy pull so many people?)
brotp - honestly? jalia. lia and jake have great potential as friends!!
notp - i don’t think i have one? (i could list the obvious incest or large age gap ships but like. you’d expect that)
au i’d like to see them in - DEAR EVAN HANSEN AU!!!!!!! (we really cooked when we chose that cast)
domestic headcanon - so him and the dromies move in with eachother. and they realise that jake is SUPER forgetful (the adhd brain fog never clears) so they start putting sticky notes everywhere to help jake remember stuff, like to do chores, to take his meds, that he has an appointment or a date or something… it helps and he’s grateful :>
angsty headcanon - so, so absolutely terrified of losing his friends that it’s genuinely taken a serious toll on his mental health. like he struggles to sleep sometimes because he’s too busy thinking about the things he said during the day and stressing if he said something wrong or if someone took a joke the wrong way. it gets worse after episode nine… i don’t think he’ll ever recover from that. :(
funny/stupid headcanon - was so desperate for money as a kid he pulled out three teeth for the tooth fairy lmao
LIAM
otp - henriam. sorry i’m crazy about them
everyone i ship with this character - drew, henry and jake (i think it’s obvious i’m a big polydromies fan)
brotp - also henriam!!
notp - can’t really think of one?
au i’d like to see them in - can. can we have a vampire liam au. would that be ok. because i’d love to see a vampire liam au.
domestic headcanon - his art covers the walls of the house. he makes sure every room is decorated appropriately, and is constantly painting or making something new to add more character to the house. his room is a total mess because of him constantly working lol
angsty headcanon - unfortunately i do not have enough Thoughts or canon to go off of to make an angsty headcanon. disappointing :(
funny/stupid headcanon - absolute menace on halloween. to him it’s like april fools but in autumn. he will take every oppurtunity to fuck with people on halloween, whether that be through scaring or scheming. he is not allowed to answer the door for trick or treaters because he will either start handing out onions or steal a handful of sweets from their buckets when pretending to hand out sweets. evil (i hope this made sense lmao)
HENRY
otp - JENRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
everyone i ship with this character - jake and liam
brotp - henriam. yes they’re perfect platonically and romantically!!
notp - anyone from the music club (besides jake ofc), mostly for their sanity (this doesn’t mean i would hate to see any ship with him and a music club member, i just personally would not ship it)
au i’d like to see them in - au where he’s in the music club. i just want to see the shenanigans
domestic headcanon - doesn’t do any chores because no one trusts him to be responsible
angsty headcanon - i’m sorry i genuinely cannot think of henry angst. angstless being
funny/stupid headcanon - he jokingly flirts with everyone all the time so no one knows when he’s being genuine or not (this is why you’re struggling to pull, henry!)
SUNSET DUO (doing them both at the same time ig)
i have selected 2012 sunset duo because i’m predictable lmao
otp - for raph it is definetly rasemona (is that what they’re called?) polyamory is always a W!! (also like. i cannot just choose one. it’s impossible. he’d definetly end up dating both of them anyways). i don’t really have an otp for mikey because in all honesty i don’t actually properly ship him with anyone?
everyone i ship with this character -
brotp - i mean……. brotp feels like a weird term to use for them but. it’s them. sunset duo. yippee! (i also think pepperoni pucks and raphril are fun, underrated friendship dynamics)
notp - NOT EACHOTHER. NOPE. nothing relating to tcest or other incest shit. gross weirdos
au i’d like to see them in - my very own extended family au!! i’ll talk about it one day i promise—
domestic headcanon - they’re definetly the closest brother dynamic out of all the others. they hang out regularly, whether it be they’re training together, playing video games (and getting way too competitive), or just chilling out. i feel like they’d also look after chompy and ice cream kitty together. shared responsibility or smth
angsty headcanon - thanks to their amazing twin senses (sunset duo are twins trust me) they know a lot of… dark things about eachother.
funny/stupid headcanon - they both have physical touch as their main love language, it’s just with eachother that ‘physical touch’ is beating the shit out of eachother. they will playfully slap, punch, and nudge eachother regularly, and these actions only sometimes escalate into fights where they need to be pulled apart by their brothers!
gaymers i have no idea if these made any sense or if they were even good. i’m sorry
#i really don’t know if these made sense#ignore me pls#not tagging these into any main character tags because i’m scared#THIRD (fourth?) MENTION OF EFAU ON THIS BLOG#I NEED TO DRAW SOMETHING FOR THAT FUCKING AU OH MY GODDDD#i keep thinking i need to make something with a plot at first#idk what to do#anyways#mia has a stupid thought#ask answered!
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Hello again! I'm the person with dyslexia ADHD Autism and general anxiety disorder from earlier :)
Is there any articles you can link to me Or advice you can give to help me with this situation?
I feel really nervous about going back to school because I was bullied and taking advantage of a lot. I also had a really hard time keeping up with school work (Specifically math and science) Because of Neurodivergency (Sorry if that is not the right word). I ended up doing a lot of lying because I felt scared that my family and friends would think less of me and think I was less capable.
School in general just makes me feel like I'm less than all the other students and a lot of anxiety, I'm also very scared of ending up a "super special needs kid" and being treated even worse my peers.
Do you have any advice to help me with this situation?
Hi there,
I have no idea if this will help, but I found some articles listing some ways to study and succeed in school. Keep in mind that everyone is different, so some of these may not work:
* Sit in the front of class to limit distractions.
* Turn off your phone when doing homework. This limits distractions too.
* Talk with your teacher about your ADHD. Some students with ADHD need extra time to take tests. Some need smaller class sizes or a quiet place to complete work. Others need a tutor. Ask your teacher to help you plan and do what's right for you.
* Use tools that help you stay organized. Keep track of assignments in a planner or on a phone app. List things you need to bring home. Set phone reminders for classes and activities, or write them in a planner.
* Get plenty of exercise. Daily exercise can improve attention and school performance for people with ADHD. It also keeps your positive emotions flowing.
* Take activity breaks. If you feel restless during school, ask teachers to let you take quick breaks to get up and move. This can help you get focused again when you return to your seat. When you study or do homework, take activity breaks often.
* Learn to meditate. Mindfulness meditation can improve attention, memory, and focus. It can reduce stress too. It’s easy to learn. Take a few minutes to practice it every day.
* Pay attention to all the good things about you. Having ADHD is one part of you. And there’s so much more. Think of things others like about you. Maybe you’re creative, kind, or funny. Maybe you have a talent for sports, music, dance, or art. Maybe you’re good with tech, building things, or cooking. Make time for the things you enjoy. Grow your strengths by using them every day. Spend time with the people who see you for who you are. See yourself that way, too.
The article will be below:
Another article lists some ways to study if you have ADHD:
Review Your Notes Before Bed
Exercise Sharpens Brain Focus
Use Your Nose to Study Better
Napping, Breaks, and Memory
Sip a Sugary Drink
The article will be below:
Here’s one last article that might help:
I hope some of these help. Maybe some of my followers can give some tips and advice too.
Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️
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