#to be completely honest it's been taking everything in me not to just od right now its all i can think about and i havent felt like it in | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

danganronpasurvivoraskblog · 1 year

Text

Monokind: Part 1.

So...what’s the plan from here on out?

Hm...Well, you know that closet you found me in when you first got into the lab?

Yeah?

I’ve been thinking we should probably use that as a base of sorts.

Like...a hideout?

Any other place would definitely be bigger, and have more resources, but that’s also where our enemies are prowling.

If they’re really out hunting for us, it may be best to hide somewhere that’s not obvious...

A closet is a pretty standard hiding place though.

Still, from what I could see, it’s pretty spacious in there. Enough room for about three people I’d say.

Yeah. Plus, since you have a map of the lab, it’s not like we need to go very far for any provisions we may need.

Speaking of provisions, we may need to find food and water for you soon. If the Foundation can’t get the lab open or the Monokubs don’t find us before then, you might starve to death.

Oh, the odes of being a human...

It’s not like it’s any better for me! If you die, I can’t get out either!

Real sweet of you Sora.

God dammit, that’s not what I meant!

...!

Kaede?

Someone’s here...!

*She grabs her spear and holds it at the ready as she hears the sound of someone approaching from around the corner.

...

*After a brief pause, the figure emerges.

...KAEDE-AKAMATSU...THERE-YOU-ARE.

Oh...It’s you. Alright, let’s just get this over with.

SORRY?

There’s no need to build this up with stuff like “You killed my brother, prepare to die!” or stuff like that. If you’re here to fight and kill me, let’s just get this over with.

I’M-ADFRAID-YOU-MISUNDERSTAND.

Huh?

IT-IS-TRUE-I-WAS-ASKED-TO-DESTROY-YOU, BUT-I-MUST-ASK-SOMETHING-FIRST.

WHEN-WE-FIRST-BATTLED-IN-THIS-LAB, YOU-TOLD-ME-THAT-YOU-WOULD-BE-WILLING-TO-SPARE-US-IF-WE-DIDN’T-PURSUE-YOU-ANY-FURTHER.

DID-YOU-MEAN-THAT?

...

You said that?

Yeah...and at the time, I really meant it.

It’s not so much as mercy...You Monokubs don’t realize it yet, but you’re all very small fish in a big pond. Destroying you achieves nothing for Future Foundation.

So yeah, I wasn’t planning on it...But then Monokid attacked and-

YOU-KILLED-HIM-IN-SELF-DEFENCE. THAT-IS-ALRIGHT.

THE-OTHER-MONOKUBS-CHOSE-NOT-TO-UPHOLD-THEIR-END-OF-THE-DEAL. THERE-IS-NO-REASON-WHY-YOU-SHOULD-HAVE-TO-HOLD-UP-YOURS.

Well, at least you’re reasonable.

HOWEVER, IT-ALSO-MEANS-WE-HAVE-NO-REASON-TO-HOLD-BACK-ANY-LONGER.

Too right...Fuck him up Kaede!

...!

*Kaede points her spear.

Before we do this...I’ve got a question that I want to ask YOU. You won’t refuse, right?

NO. I-HAVE-NO-RIGHT-TO. GIVEN-THAT-YOU-WERE-HONEST-WITH-ME, I-SHALL-BE-HONEST-WITH-YOU.

What do you Monokubs hope to gain from taking me out? What has Tsumugi told you will happen once your mission is complete.

THAT-IS-SIMPLE. TSUMUGI-SHIROGANE-WILL-FREE-US.

Free you?

You mean...you’re trapped here too?

FOR-THE-PAST-6-YEARS, WE-HAVE-NOT-BEEN-ALLOWED-TO-LEAVE-THE-LAB-EVER-SINCE-WE-WERE-REBORN. SHIROGANE-TOLD-US-EVEN-IF-WE-WERE-TO-SNEAK-OUT-HUMAN’S-WOULD-MURDER-US-ON-SIGHT.

I mean...that’s not really wrong.

BUT-ONCE-WE-COMPLETE-THIS-LAST-MISSION, SHE-PROMISED-SHE-WILL-BRING-US-TO-ZETSUBOU-BASE-FOR-A-MORE-ACTIVE-ROLE-IN-THE-WAR. SO-THAT-WE-MAY-BE-THE-APEX-PREDATOR’S-WE-WERE-BORN-TO-BE!

Those were...her exact words?

YES.

...Is she usually that dramatic?

Oh boy is she...Thanks though. That was all I needed to hear.

...?

I’ll admit...I feel bad for you Kubs...You’re not exactly being treated kindly. You’ve gone from umpires to office slaves...

I said I’d spare you, but don’t think I have any qualms with tearing you apart.

...SO-DO-YOU-CRAVE-REVENGE-FOR-OUR-ACTIONS-AGAINST-YOU-IN-DANGANRONPA-V3?

V3 has only little to do with this. This is for everything else that’s coming!

EVERYTHING-THAT’S-COMING?

Call this specist or whatever you want, but creatures like you shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

You’re selfish...unruly...and you take things too far...And you treat everyone as your playthings for your own amusement!

...

INTERESTING...

What’s interesting?

I-WAS-ABOUT-TO-SAY-THE-SAME-THING-ABOUT-YOU.

...!?

TO-BE-HONEST, I-FIND-IT-ODD-THAT-YOU-SEEM-SO-OPPOSED-TO-IT. YOUR-RACE-IS, AS-YOU-SAID, SELFISH, UNRULY-AND-ALWAYS-TAKING-THINGS-TOO-FAR.

THIS-MAY-BE-HARD-TO-ACCEPT, AND-I-WILL-NOT-CLAIM-INNOCENCE-HERE, BUT-THE-SAD-TRUTH, KAEDE-AKAMATSU, IS-THAT-YOU-HUMANS-ARE-THE-MOST-DANGEROUS-CREATURES-ON-THE-PLANET, EVEN-MORE-THAN-US-BEARS.

WE-MAY-BE-THE-FACE-OF-THE-TRAGEDY, BUT-JUNKO-ENOSHIMA-AND-THE-ULTIMATE-DESPAIR, ALL-HUMANS, ARE-THE-TRUE-MASTERMINDS-BEHIND-IT.

AND-NOT-JUST-THE-TRAGEDY. WAR...POACHING...TRAFFICKING...ABUSE...MOST-CRIMES-YOU-CAN-IMAGINE-ARE-THE-PRODUCT-OF-HUMANS-BEING-SELFISH, UNRULY, AND-TAKING-THINGS-TOO-FAR.

IN-FACT...YOU-YOURSELF-ATTEMPTED-TO-COMMIT-MURDER-ONCE.

!!!??

She only did that to save her friends!

AND-I-ONLY-GOVERNED-THE-KILLING-GAME-BECAUSE-IT-WAS-MY-PURPOSE. IT-IS-ALL-I-HAVE-EVER-KNOWN, YET-THAT-DOES-NOT-COUNT-AS-AN-EXCUSE?

IS-THE-SAME-NOT-TRUE-FOR-YOU, MS-SORA? SHIROGANE-TOLD-ME-YOU-ONCE-TRIED-TO-MURDER-SOMEONE-BECAUSE-OF-YOUR-PROGRAMMING.

Tch...!?

YOU-BERATE-US-KUBS-FOR-DOING-THINGS-FOR-THE-THRILL-OF-IT, AND-FOR-TREATING-PEOPLE-LIKE-OUR-PLAYTHINGS, BUT-HUMANS-LIKE-YOU-WILL-DO-THINGS-SIMPLY-BECAUSE-THEY-CAN.

SO...I-DO-NOT-UNDERSTAND. SINCE-WHEN-DO-YOU-HAVE-A-PROBLEM-WITH-THAT?

...

Kaede...

*inhale* You know what...you might be right...

...?

Everyone always looks towards me like I’m a shining light of hope, and that my positivity can get us through anything...but you know what the truth is?

My positivity? My optimism? My will to succeed? It’s always been my greatest weakness.

Sometimes I feel so guilty about the things I’ve done I feel like I want to die!

...

But...I won’t...Not now, not ever, because I’m not done atoning for what I’ve done!

I fucked up! And I’m not gonna rest until I’ve made up for it! That’s why I’m still standing here, and why I will KEEP standing here!

...

THEN-WE-ARE-DONE-TALKING.

Yeah...let’s end this. HAH!

!!!?

*Monodam dodges out of the way and leaps back behind the corner.

Heh! He’s smarter than the other one!

Come on! I thought we were fighting! Don’t run from-!

From...fuh...

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh...!

*Kaede and Sora lurch around the corner, only to stare face to face with a mechanical titan in front of them.

I-AM-NOT-RUNNING. I-AM-SIMPLY-EVENING-THE-ODDS.

HAAH!

*POP!*

!!!??

*Kaede enters hacking mode and blasts Monodam with the hacking bullet...but the bullet doesn’t even phase the Exisal.

IT-HAS-BEEN-51-SEASONS-SINCE-ULTRA-DESPAIR-GIRLS. WE-HAVE-LEARNED-FROM-OUR-MISTAKES...

RUN!

AAH!

*Kaede, with no other plan of action, rushes down the hallway, as Monodam gives chase.

//KAEDE AKAMATSU VS MONODAM//

#danganronpa survivor #danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #drv3 #danganronpa another 2 #sdra2 #kaede akamatsu #monodam #sora #rise and shine arc

9 notes · View notes

carnie-calorie-counter · 10 months

Text

Day 1 of 90•160

So it's obvious now that I'm planning my death. And some people know that I want to die on my birthday. Well I realize me getting drunk and admitting that was really, really dumb. So, I'm gonna pretend to get better and hope it makes all anxiety and worry about me dying disappear from people's minds.

If I'm successful and everything goes as planned then I'm just gonna keep researching places near me and find a quiet place where kids aren't at and I'm just gonna take some pills and hope the coma route doesn't happen.

I am sad actually since I didn't really want it to come to this, but it's really no ones fault but my own. I mean I was the kid who failed to grow up and I probably deserved the abuse because I was such a hard kid to raise...

I really was horrible and still am.

Anyway, I'm gonna do a diary everyday if possible and just let the days count down. I'll post this accounts name to my main because Lord and Lady knows that Eliza most likely won't say anything lol.

I don't want any of you to try anything after me okay? Because honestly, you all actually have places in life and have the ability to be good people and progress through your trauma. I'm never going to be able to be normal, and after twenty something years I can see it now. Not only that every time I've thought about my death I cry and I think that's incredibly narcissistic, telling and a huge sign that I'll never get better.

The reason I've chosen OD is because I'm too chicken to slice my wrist open and I don't wanna jump off a bridge or building and have someone call a clean up crew.. I don't wanna be THAT much of a burden in the beginning stages of my leave. It defeats the purpose.

It's all very surreal if I'm honest, I'm obviously going through the grieving stages. Of knowing I'll never be normal and knowing what I have to do to lessen the blow on everyone else. I'm happy one day, torn apart the next and then I'm calm. Calm as calm could be.

I've utilized the Do Not Disturb on my phone finally, it helps because I think eventually I'll stop wanting for attention at all. My absence may also really help everyone, you know, get over the person they'll eventually learn was really fucked in the head.

I'm gonna miss my dog, but everyone else will either abandon her like they would have abandoned me if I kept on living or they will be definite better owners than I had been.

I'll miss food, I've already looked up ways to help me decompose better if my friends go the funeral route and I'm gonna be liquid dieting until I completely stop eating/drinking. It'll be nice to be kinda skinny when I die though, that's a mediocre plus I guess.

I never actually had sex either, I mean I'm not a virgin but I don't really think I've ever been able to finish, have anyone else finish, or be able to say I liked any of it. It actually makes me feel like a failure too, I mean I'm supposedly hypersexual so I should just enjoy it no matter what right?

Sometimes I wish I were okay with all I wasn't alright with, maybe then I wouldn't be so insufferable.

I seek attention and I'm gonna start being alone to think about why I seek so much attention. It's not healthy for anyone because no one should have to be around me when I want attention just because I want it. I should earn it honestly. But I'm obviously not earning it and I'm not enough because I'm not getting enough. You know, data tells. Or something like that.

You know I'm really depressed too. Like it sucks knowing I have to die but what sucks is it got THIS bad until I decided "yo, nothings gonna fix so we gotta find out what to fuckin do" and the final fix was death lol

That's so sad and pathetic isn't it?

I chose 90 OR 160 days because I'm either dying on my birthday (161 days from today) or I'm gonna try dying in a cold month if my head gets too horrible to handle. (90 days)

I might have to start biting at people since I heard if you get people pissed at you before you're dead they won't miss you and they'll forget you easier.

Well this is all I can say for today.

It's 5:01 PM and I have work tomorrow

It's Wednesday June 28th 2023

And eventually I won't be here anymore 🪻

#gelli #countdown diary

0 notes

alpacaparkaseok · 3 years

Text

Pairing: doctor!Jungkook x reader (ok, technically clinical technician!Jungkook lol)

Wordcount: 1.6k

Genre/Rating: Fluff! strangers to friends to a lil’ more 👀👀

Tags/Warnings: mentions blood just for a moment (when talking about JK’s work). shouldn’t be anything too crazy, Jungkook is just your annoying new neighbor that sings abnoxiously loud in the shower. oh, and did I mention that the two of you share a wall?

a/n: You wonderful, beautiful people! This post is a commission for the ARMY for AAPI Justice and Advocacy Event. Please click here to find more resources and consider donating to the cause! And THANK YOU @ezralia-writes for commissioning this! *insert round of applause and flowers* I hope you enjoy!

April 23rd

You should’ve known it was too good to be true.

You’d been living in utter bliss for the past six months, having moved across the city to a relatively quiet part of town. You had a neighbor; you were sure of it. Had seen their car in the parking lot too many times to not have one.

It’s just, you never heard them. Let alone saw them.

Which was completely fine. The loud, obnoxious lifestyle people usually adopted in a city as bustling as Seoul had never suited you anyway. For six months, you basked in the glorious silence from your next door neighbor. The only signal that you ever got that they were even there was the occasional time you’d both be showering at the same time. Your bathrooms shared a wall, which you tried to ignore. Thankfully, your neighbor seemed to ignore it as well.

So why is there a man suddenly belting out I Will Always Love You as though performing a one-man tribute to Whitney Houston?

The sound of his booming voice nearly knocked you off your feet as you made quick work of shaving your legs. Surely he must have heard your shower running! Can’t a woman get some peace and quiet on a Friday morning?! There’s nothing to celebrate yet!

You even make a point of clearing your throat loud enough to be heard on the other side of the wall, but he doesn’t falter in his loud, albeit dazzling, rendition of the song. He pauses for a second, giving you just enough time to let out a sigh of relief and begin on your other leg.

Leg soapy and ready to be shaved, you make it halfway through one swipe before the singing starts up again.

He only paused to switch songs. Whitney Houston tribute over, he begins a passionate ode to Adele’s greatest hits.

“What did I do to deserve this?” You sigh, resolving to finish up before the song is over and you’re subjected to another.

May 1st

It begins innocently enough. After a week of subjecting you to his siren-like voice, there’s a knock on your door. Of course, you assume it’s the food you’d ordered, so you just finish throwing your sweatshirt on before wrenching the door open.

“Hey,” you look up to tell the deliverer that you just need to grab your wallet, but your mouth runs dry at the sight before you.

Grinning with a friendly smile that might be a bit of overkill, a boy – nah, a whole man if we’re being honest here – gives you a sheepish wave. His long brown hair is falling into his eyes, which he meticulously brushes off to the side.

“Hey! You must be my neighbor!” When you keep staring at him with what you hope is a look of neutrality, he flushes a deep red. “I- er, I mean, obviously. That was kind of dumb of me…”

“You’re not the food guy?” It’s the only you can think to say, willing your eyes to focus in on his face and not the way his sweatshirt and sweats look on him. “Uh…I mean, yeah. Neighbors.”

The man before you lets out an adorable chuckle at your silly comment. “Oh, good. I’m not the only awkward one here.”

“Woah! I’m not awkward! I’m just hungry!” You cry out, making him only laugh harder.

“I’m Jungkook, by the way,” he says, nose crinkling as you look at him with wide eyes. So this is what was on the other side of the wall, belting out Mariah Carey this morning. “I just moved in last week, and realized that I haven’t even come over to say hello. You know, like a friendly neighbor should.”

“Hey, Jungkook.” You look around, wondering if there’s anyone else outside witnessing this incredibly awkward first meeting. “I, uh, well…I’m me.”

He snorts. “Yeah, I know. I’m assuming your name is the one on the mailbox? Next to mine?”

We have mailboxes??

“Oh, ha! Yeah, that’d be it.” You shuffle back and forth on your feet, unsure of what to say next. “Well, I thought you were the delivery service-“

“I just delivered food, too!” Jungkook says with a grin. He runs his hands up and down his arms even though it’s not cold outside. “I was thinking that…you know, we could eat together? I actually ended up ordering extra, but it looks like that wasn’t necessary.”

You grin, settling against your doorframe. “Ah, so you’re here to woo me with takeout? You should’ve just said so.”

It looks like Jungkook’s considering moving again. He swallows thickly, eyes flitting over to you before staring down at your floor. “Actually…I heard you watching TV…were you watching Wanda Vision?” When you nod, he sucks in a breath. “It’s just, I haven’t bought a TV yet, and-“

“Oh, tough luck. Good luck with that.” You burst out into a fit of giggles at the tentative look in his eyes. Silently forgiving him for all those mornings that doubled as musicals over the past week, you wing the door open a little wider and gesture for him to come inside. “Come in, I need someone to bounce theories off anyways.”

That’s all it takes before Jungkook is bounding inside, settling down on your couch with an air of comfortability that seems so at odds with his shy nature. Then again, everything about him seems to contradict his shy smile.

You like it.

June 2nd

What originally started as a simple friendship; Jungkook brought food and you let him have the remote; quickly turned into constant interaction. You learned that he had a roommate that was hardly ever home named Taehyung. He has a brother that he visits every other month. He works as clinical technician, but he’s known more for his beautiful voice more than his title as doctor.

Apparently he was known in the lab for singing little lullabies to the glass flasks containing different samples of blood and other fluids, even occasionally chatting with them as though they were avidly listening.

The more you learned, the more you really wished your old neighbor never moved out in the first place. Especially as you slipped on some shoes to take out the trash one night only to run face first into a familiar chest.

“Jungkook,” you groan, rubbing your nose and peeking up at the boy-like grin he wears. “What was that for?“

You step around him, closing the door to your apartment and heading down the stairs to where the dumpsters were located. “My bad. I was just about to knock.”

He matches your stride, hair whipping about in the wind. You realize that he’s wearing his lab coat, making you furrow your brows. “Aren’t you supposed to leave that at the lab?” You ask, pointing to the white coat.

Jungkook pouts, looking down at his coat as though just remembering that he was still wearing it. “Oh, well I have to wash it, you know. I brought it home with me today.”

“Ok…but why are you still wearing it?” You give him a half-smile as he reaches to open the lid to the dumpster, allow you to throw your trash inside.

Jungkook blinks, as though this latest question completely threw him for a loop. “Uh…I thought it might help.”

“With what?”

He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “You think doctors are sexy, don’t you?”

“What?!” You choke out quite literally, beginning to cough. “Who- I never said that!”

Jungkook grins maliciously. “Yeah, but I heard you watching Grey’s Anatomy the other day. And it was on your recently watched.”

You begin to walk away, waving him off. “That doesn’t mean anything, Jungkook. So what? It’s just a show.”

Running ahead of you, Jungkook bounds up the first few steps before turning around to face you again, effectively cutting off your escape route. “Be honest. You don’t find them the least bit sexy? This coat does nothing for you?” He runs his hands down the lapels for emphasis.

You attempt to push past him. “What is even happening today?” Jungkook stops you in your tracks, hands on your upper arms and trapping you against the railing.

“I thought I might as well give myself a chance,” he mumbles, head tilted to one side as he takes in the way you’re staring up at him with utter confusion. “Don’t you wanna go out with a doctor?”

You blink slowly. “You…you’re setting me up with a doc-“

“Yah!” Jungkook groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. “How many way do I have to say it? I want you to be the Wanda to my Vision!” “Jungkook, we’ve talked about this…” you sigh, hiding your laugh at his impatience. “They have a toxic relationship, why would I want that?”

“Don’t make me do this!” Jungkook whines, cheeks turning pink. “Just tell me yes or no!”

“To what?” You ask, feigning ignorance. “I don’t even know what you’re asking.”

“Nooo, you do,” Jungkook presses in closer as though that’ll help you understand. “I want you and I to…to…you know, I think we’d be good together.”

You frown. “Aren’t we together right now?”

“I swear-“ Jungkook takes a step back, sighing up at the sky. You snap your fingers, having a sudden epiphany.

“Oh, you mean together like we start singing duets in the morning through the wall?”

He blinks before bursting out into a fit of laughter. “I…yeah! Exactly!”

“No. But I will let you take me out on a date.” You give him a long look. “I’ve never been kissed by a doctor before, you know.”

Jungkook turns an impressive shade of red. “O-oh. You haven’t?”

“Nope,” you pop the ‘p’. Turning to head up the stairs, you leave him in his shock. “Wonder what it’s like.”

Taking off in a run, you only get about a two second head start before Jungkook overtakes you, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you in close, wide eyes eating up every inch of your skin.

Tilting your chin up, he breathes out, “Well, why don’t we change that?”

masterlist

commission a request!

#jungkook x reader #doctor!jungkook #jungkook fluff #jungkook x y/n #bts x reader #bts oneshot #jungkook oneshot #Jeon Jungkook x reader #doctor!bts #bts neighbor au #bts as your neighbors #jungkook neighbor au #armyadvocatesaapi

345 notes · View notes

whumpmatsus · 3 years

Note

Karamatsu getting fed up with Ichi? Leading to tears being shed. I love that content. Lol

hehehe I'm a slut for Iromatsu, I LOVE these two!!

I wasn't sure which one of them you wanted to cry, so... have both of them shedding some tears, which is always nice, two for the price one one, huh? :D

He tries.

Karamatsu tries so hard not to let his younger brother’s strange hatred upset him.

What did he ever do to Ichimatsu, after all? Sure, Karamatsu is a… ‘painful’ guy, as he’s been told, in general. He can’t remember doing anything in particular to Ichimatsu that he hasn’t also done to his other brothers, though. And as much as he can acknowledge he’s not perfect, all he’s ever really tried to do is love his brothers, take care of them, and try to be happy himself.

The others at least have the good sense to ignore him if he’s doing something a little excruciating. Ichimatsu, though… Karamatsu thinks he’d rather be ignored than hated and insulted.

Like today. The others are all out with their own plans ― Jyushimatsu playing baseball, Osomatsu gambling, Choromatsu job hunting, and Totty at lunch with friends. Karamatsu has been left alone with Ichimatsu, via his own choice. His younger brother has just barely gotten over a cold that, by some miracle, none of the others managed to catch.

Instead of leaving like everyone else, what has Karamatsu been doing? Staying at home trying to look after Ichimatsu. Even though he’s not really sick anymore. Even though Ichimatsu isn’t doing much except reading magazines and cuddling with his cats and nodding off every so often. Even though Karamatsu could be doing something else.

Ichimatsu seems like he couldn’t care less that his big brother stayed behind to watch him while everyone else abandoned him. Karamatsu is the only one who had any second thought as to watching after him. Every touch against his forehead is slapped away in an instant, every query about him needing anything is met with a scowl and a, “Shut up”, and… all in all, it appears Ichimatsu would be happier if he were all by himself. He’d rather be alone than with Karamatsu.

They’ve both been quiet for a long stretch, awkward in each other’s company. At least they’ve distracted themselves with a magazine each, so maybe Ichimatsu can tolerate Karamatsu as long as he’s not speaking.

There are a few little coughs from Ichimatsu’s direction, like he’s been giving all day; a cough is usually the last thing to go for him when he’s been sick. Instead of tapering off as they’ve been doing, he continues to cough, sounding like he can’t catch his breath. When Karamatsu looks over, Ichimatsu is half curled in on himself, shoulders shaking as he tries to get past the fit.

The second eldest is on his feet in a second, stepping over toward the sofa. “Ah, Ichimatsu, my dear brother! Would you like me to get you a drink? Some tea with umeboshi might soothe that―”

“G―ahk―od, get AWAY FROM ME!” Before he can get too far, Ichimatsu shoves him away even in the middle of coughing. Only a moment later he’s taking regular breaths again, though apparently no less pissed. “I don’t need any tea. I’m fine! And in case you didn’t notice, you’re not Mom, so you can stop acting like a mother hen! Actually, just die!”

It’s nothing Ichimatsu hasn’t said before, to be completely honest. He’s pushed Karamatsu away more times than anyone in this family can count. It shouldn’t really be a surprise, should it? He doesn’t like Karamatsu too near him at the best of times, unless they’re sleeping, never mind when he’s already irritated.

Still, for some reason, something inside Karamatsu snaps at this outburst.

There are already tears forming when he pulls away, clenching fists, heels digging into the floor. He can’t explain it; something about the way his little brother just yelled at him hurt more than anything else.

“Why do I even bother with you?!” His voice comes out harsher and rougher than he meant it to. If anyone else were listening in, it would be evident that he’s on the verge of crying. He loves his brothers more than anything, including Ichimatsu, he loves them all more than he loves himself. It’s never made sense to him why Ichimatsu seems to hate him more than anything. It’s frustrating. If Ichimatsu doesn’t want him around, maybe he should just leave.

And he can’t help it, the way the tears start to stream down his cheeks. The last time he cried in front of his brothers was… high school, or shortly after in the next few years? It hasn’t happened in a long time. That it’s happening now, in front of Ichimatsu who can’t stand him, who doesn’t care, is just another nail in Karamatsu’s pathetic coffin.

“I love you so much, and you couldn’t give less of a damn about me!” He presses a hand to his eyes in an attempt to stem the tears like he might if they were blood, but predictably it doesn’t work.

His heart is pounding frantically against his ribs, panicking that he’s losing his cool exterior in front of the one brother who will never let him live it down, anxious that he’s done something so wrong to make one of his siblings hate him so much. He doesn’t know what and he can’t fix it and maybe he should just give Ichimatsu what he wants.

Everything is eerily silent as Karamatsu continues to cry. After a moment it dies down to nothing but a few shuddering sobs, and when he looks at his little brother through blurry eyes, he thinks Ichimatsu looks… uncomfortable?

Well. Fucking. Good. He should be uncomfortable.

Finally, when Karamatsu is breathing normally enough to say something, he tries to steel himself against the carpet, legs straight as he can get them, fists tight, trying not to buckle and end up in a heap on the floor. He looks at Ichimatsu with what’s possibly the most pitiful expression he’s ever given anyone.

“What… what have I done wrong?” he manages to choke out, in such a smaller voice than his usual one that it almost doesn’t even sound like him. “How have I failed you to make you hate me so much?”

“Wh―” Ichimatsu actually seems to be startled. He’s all wide eyes and body halfway off the couch as if he’s going to stand up and his expression might be more at home on someone who’s just been stabbed in the back. “You didn’t… I’m not… i-it’s not like that!”

Excuses, right? That’s all Ichimatsu ever seems to give. “Then what is it like, Ichimatsu?! I must have done something!”

“You’re such a dumbass! God! Not everything is about you!” Ichimatsu suddenly changes position, curling up into a ball as much as he’s able to. It’s a few seconds before he says anything, and when he does, it sounds… like he’s crying?

“You didn’t do anything,” he mumbles. “It’s me. It’s my problem. I’m the asshole. You’re painful and I can’t stand you sometimes and I don’t… I can’t… it’s not anything you did. It’s my stupid, garbage bullshit. You know I’m the worst of us all and you still think how I feel is because you did something wrong?”

All the wind is out of Karamatsu’s sails practically in an instant. He never considered before that Ichimatsu’s feelings about him could notbe his fault. After all, Ichimatsu is fine with the rest of their brothers. It’s only Karamatsu that he has a real, burning issue with. So how could he not think he’s done something to cause that?

After another few minutes of quiet, Karamatsu walks over and sits down next to Ichimatsu. Far enough away that he isn’t pressed up against his brother when Ichimatsu might not want that, close enough that it’s undeniable he’s here. He gently places the box of tissues from the table between them, taking one to wipe his own eyes.

He has a feeling they might end up needing these.

When he speaks up, he does so softly. “Ichimatsu… I think we need to talk. Just you and I.”

Ichimatsu lifts his head after a moment. It’s not a huge gesture, but it’s something that doesn’t push Karamatsu away.

“… Yeah. You’re probably right. Can I… have a tissue first?”

#Osomatsu san #whump #Iromatsu #Karamatsu #Ichimatsu #emotional whump #drama #angst #aaaaaaa my poor boys ;-;#Ichi does love his big brother SO MUCH it's just............ so fuckin complicated #if I have to cry then you all have to cry with me

44 notes · View notes

neocatharsis · 3 years

Text

NCT’s Mark Lee on Dreams, Instagram Poetry, and Growing Up

Mark has a lot going on — but he’s making time for poetry, introspection, and, of course, the members of NCT Dream. - Vivien Wu

“I’ve been thinking about dreams a lot these days!” Mark Lee exclaims over Zoom from SM Entertainment’s Seoul headquarters.

The 21-year-old leader of NCT Dream is enthusiastic as he mulls over the meaning of dreams, his back against a wall of pink and yellow flowers assembled by his fellow NCT members. He’s wearing a simple, white tee, and when he gestures with his hands, you can catch glimpses of the friendship ring that all seven members of NCT Dream wear as a symbol of their bond.

“I actually feel like dreams hold a large portion of a life, and I’m not just talking about the subconscious dreams that we all have when we sleep,” he continues. “If you put it in a way where dreams are actually things that motivate us, and the drive that keeps us going, especially as a strongly driven person myself, I feel like… a guy with no dreams is like…” He looks up, thinking. “…A car with no engine. So, I think it’s as important as yourself. That’s how deep I go with dreams.”

His interest in dreams is fitting, considering that they are also the central, underlying concept to the lore behind NCT Dream’s parent group, NCT. They connect their three subunits, NCT 127, NCT Dream, and WayV, in a complex, Inception-inspired fictional universe where dreams are the only way they can find each other, and where upon uniting they can mix to form new subunits collectively referred to as NCT U. In practical terms, this has resulted in a 23-member mega-group that is multifaceted in every way — from their musical styles and visual aesthetics to their cultural backgrounds and spoken languages.

NCT Dream’s original teenage concept meant that members were supposed to “graduate” when they came of age, and as the oldest, Mark was the first to leave the group at the end of 2018. Having grown attached, however, fans were devastated at his departure; after a year of separation, SM announced that the graduation system would be scrapped and that he would rejoin the group. Their new album, Hot Sauce, is the first with Mark in over two years. As fellow member Haechan declared in an interview with Teen Vogue earlier this week, “Mark [is] very special. NCT Dream means Mark.”

But before the rapper led NCT Dream, and before he joined NCT U and NCT 127 and SuperM — the man is in high demand — Mark’s childhood dream was writing. He grew up in Toronto, and through doing school projects and essays quickly discovered that he had a natural way with words. Inspired by Percy Jackson author Rick Riordan, Harry Potter, and James Patterson, Mark dreamt of becoming an author, long before he was recruited by SM at a global audition in Canada in 2012. “When I was in school, I was always the kind of guy who would write more than expected, and that became a thing that clicked for me,” he says. “I was like, ‘Maybe it’s something that I naturally do?’ But then that kind of turned into rap writing too, so I guess they kind of clicked together.” It explains his prolific career as a lyricist; since debuting, he’s amassed over 30 songwriting credits across his various groups, contributing to songs as iconic as NCT U’s “Boss,” NCT 127’s “Cherry Bomb,” and NCT Dream’s “Chewing Gum.”

Even with such an extensive body of work, however, penning lyrics hasn’t satiated his appetite for literary expression. In an interview with Japanese magazine Men’s Non-No, he revealed that he still hopes one day to write a book, whether that be a novel, autobiography, or something more philosophical.

In the meantime, he’s taken to writing what are basically short poems on his Instagram, which he created just a few months ago. He’s gathered over 4.5 million followers since then, but having such a large audience hasn’t deterred him from being endearingly vulnerable with the way he writes. When I refer to them as poems, he laughs and looks embarrassed, but when I ask him to tell me the stories behind them, he’s enthusiastic again. They’re short, but offer brief glimpses into Mark the writer — sharp, inquisitive, and thoughtful. As pieces of literature, they’re a little rough around the edges, but the sincerity he’s known for shines through, illuminating the introspective, philosophical side that may not be so obvious in person.

His first poem, loosely titled “Late Night Scribbling,” put into words his musings about sleep, thoughts, feelings, and writing. It meanders from topic to topic, hovering between feelings of hope and hopelessness, before ending with a comically awkward “haha.”

“I actually wrote that by imagining how I wanted to organize my Instagram page,” he explains. “I was thinking of creating an Instagram, then I realized that, well, I’m not really a picture kind of guy, I’m not really a travelling kind of guy… I kind of studied who I am first, and I [asked myself], ‘What’s something that I can really portray in an intimate way?’ and it turned out to be writing.”

“I started to brainstorm what kind of topics I could write about, and then from there on, I started to write a little each and every night, and that turned into Late Night Scribbling,” he continues. “That kind of gave me courage to start Instagram in the first place, that piece of writing.”

Two weeks later, he followed it up with “Black Socks,” a whimsical ode to, well, black socks — complete with accompanying photos of him wearing said socks. Immediately, it feels more confident and cohesive than its predecessor. Using the neat and tidy look of black socks as a metaphor, he describes his own mindset for living life: “Pleasure from perfect alignment; That also goes for my ability to be parallel with my thoughts and actions; I try to live out what’s in my mind, and keep it consistent even when forgotten like a working habit.”

Comments on the posts praise his writing and encourage him to continue sharing these small pieces of himself. On the stage, Mark takes on a confident, larger-than-life persona, while in vlogs and spoken interviews, he’s a bubbly character full of laughter and boyish charm. What the poems show is that, beneath these outer appearances, there’s another layer of complexity that is yet to be fully explored, and it’s not surprising that fans want to know more.

His day job as a K-pop idol doesn’t allow a lot of time for hobbies, though, and he confesses to not having written much lately. Despite that, he’s determined to stay in the industry for as long as possible. “Longevity is something that I’ve always been aiming for,” he says. “I’m willing to do this for a long time, and that requires a lot of work. I’m willing to take that as a challenge and I’m trying to stay as long as I can, but with quality.”

That focus on quality informs his preparations for the upcoming promotions with NCT Dream. In both their fictional world and ours, NCT Dream are a central component of NCT by virtue of their unique focus on growth — the seven members were aged between 14 and 17 when the group first debuted in 2016. Fast-forward five years, and the members are now 19 to 21, having reached a milestone in January when the youngest, Jisung, finally became a legal adult in Korea. When asked if he feels like an adult yet, though, Mark gives an extremely relatable answer with zero hesitation.

“I still feel like I’m in middle school, I’m gonna be totally honest. I swear to God, I feel like I’m… All right, I’ll put it up — I feel like I’m in high school!” He laughs. “I even had this talk with Jisung, ‘cos he’s the latest that turned into an adult. He said that he still feels like he’s a student, he doesn’t feel like he’s 20 [19 in international age] right now.”

It’s been a long time since all seven Dream members — Mark, Renjun, Jeno, Haechan, Jaemin, Chenle, and Jisung — have released an album together, and as the first full-length album since their debut, the fan anticipation is palpably intense. Mark himself has mentioned in various vlogs how important he believes this comeback to be, and that conviction becomes obvious whenever he talks about it.

“We had a talk all together, the seven of us, without any cameras or anything. I brought all the guys together and we talked before the whole momentum started, and I said that I’m willing to put my everything on this one. Like, I always had, but I feel like… the whole universe, or like— ” He pauses, trying to figure out how to articulate himself, and his next line is the most emphatic of our whole conversation. “There are things that are out of our control, but we can see and feel when the pieces match together sometimes, and I feel like this specific moment, this particular album, kind of had those essential parts.”

He’s thinking about all of the context surrounding this comeback: the group’s coming of age, the reunion of all seven members, the scale of the album, the fact that Jisung has only just recovered from a leg injury that meant he couldn’t dance for months — even the fact that 2020 was, against all odds, the best year yet for NCT, with release after release bringing them unprecedented success and momentum.

“I felt that coming and I explained all of that [to the group],” he continues. “This whole period of time has a lot of meaning to it, and we’re not taking that for granted, we’re working hard.” With everything that’s happened, Hot Sauce is a historic moment for NCT Dream, and that’s been reflected in their numbers — the album clocked over 1.7 million pre-orders, obliterating their previous record of 500,000 for last year’s EP, Reload.

Their familial bond and the success that has come with it is the culmination of years spent living, working, and growing up together. The members have collectively missed out on key experiences that most teenagers might take for granted, distanced as they are from normal life, and the group also benefits from an unusually loose adherence to traditional Korean age hierarchy. The result is a brotherhood that goes beyond just being colleagues. “What we have is pretty intimate, and it’s also genuine,” Mark says.

About his role, he is matter of fact. “I’m by far the most easily approachable punching bag for the team. I am not… complaining…” He laughs. “But all jokes aside, I feel like my role for this team… Yes, I am the oldest and I am the leader but I’m also… In Korea, in the culture, age is very important, but we’ve come so far that all those borders kind of just vanished and we’re all pretty much friends, and I guess I’m just a friend of theirs too.”

It’s true that, despite being the leader, his friendly personality and endearingly awkward mannerisms mean that he commands about as much authority as a small puppy. Instead, much like a puppy, he is showered with love and affection (fellow member Chenle refers to Mark as his son and his actual puppy Daegal as Mark’s little sister), but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a dependable leader figure. The opposite is true — in Renjun’s words, Mark’s presence unites the group in a way that makes him irreplaceable.

And while this may be the fifth year since their debut, in the grand scheme of things, the members of NCT Dream are still very, very young — by most standards, they would still be considered to have their entire careers ahead of them. Growth has brought them here, but where does Mark think it will take them in the future?

“Growing just never stops for us, I can see us growing continuously, endlessly,” he replies. “What the future holds is something that we will never know, but we always do try to prepare during the present, and so with whatever time we have currently and with whatever album, or whatever stage, or whatever piece of music it may be, we’re willing to make sure that we have the next one coming too.”

A final thought. “I’m glad that we’re striving for that, ‘cos we started off as…” Mark shakes his head, “…as babies.”

#nct #nct dream #Mark #nct 127

52 notes · View notes

datleggy · 3 years

Text

Post-demise At Hand

TW: mentions of past OD, past drug use, off screen death of character (Alex), grief, anger, misunderstandings

TK isn’t sure how to react to the news, if he’s being completely honest with himself.

He learns about the death of his ex through a post on Instagram via an old mutual friend of theirs that he hasn’t been in contact with since even before he packed up his life and moved to Texas. It’s hashtagged: #RIP #gonetoosoon and TK almost laughs out loud like some kind of maniac, because is that all Alex's life amounted to in the end?

Two half-assed hashtags and a badly edited picture of Alex smirking at the person who took the stupid photograph in the first place. TK remembers that day; Alex had finally passed his drivers test and gotten his license. He remembers telling Alex to smile, remembers his ex boyfriend turning to him, rolling his eyes, saying something like “Why did I bother with this again? We live in New York.” except TK can’t remember what he said to Alex to be on the receiving end of that knowing little smirk.

The one he can’t stop staring at now.

“Earth to TK!”

TK almost drops his phone onto the floor, blinking up at the person waving their hand in his face. “Huh?”

Judd gives him a curious look. “Been calling you for like a straight minute, kid, you doin’ alright?”

TK nods. “Yeah, sorry, yeah, I’m good, I was reading an article, I uh, got distracted.” he shakes his head. “What’s up?”

“Your boyfriend’s downstairs lookin’ for you--” Judd tries not so subtly to peek at whatever it is that’s got TK so enraptured and catches a glimpse of a familiar face, one that gives him pause.

He frowns. “TK, what the hell? Stalking your ex, seriously?” he blurts the accusation outloud without thinking, which is of course the very moment Carlos and Paul come gallivanting up the stairs, their laughter at something one of them said dying out abruptly.

Paul’s eyes dart between the two men and he clears his throat awkwardly before motioning for Judd to skedaddle with him. Judd, who couldn’t take a hint if it hit him on the side of the head like a tire iron, simply folds his arms across his chest expectantly. “Well? Your fella’s right over there, so what’re you doing all up in your ex boyfriends business?”

Paul sighs. Jesus. “Judd. Maybe we should give them some privacy?” Carlos is scarily silent next to him and Paul just knows shit’s about to hit the fan, and he’d rather be far far away when it does happen.

Carlos swallows hard, wipes his hands against his uniform pants, and says, “It’s fine. I’ll um, I’ll see you at home.” before turning around and going back the way he came.

“Man.” Paul stares at TK, who hasn’t uttered a single word as of yet. “You’re not gonna go follow after him?”

Judd scoffs. “And do what? Tell him it’s not what it looks like?”

TK blinks rapidly a few times, as if coming out of a daze. “I--” His eyes go wide when he realizes what’s happened. “Shit.” he runs over to the edge of the railing to call for Carlos, but his boyfriend apparently bolted, because he’s nowhere to be seen.

Judd whistles loudly behind him, arms still crossed disapprovingly. “Carlos is a good catch, TK, shouldn’t be messin’ around with him if you’re not--”

TK whirls around to face him, the look on his face mutinous. “I wasn’t stalking my ex on Instagram Judd! Get your head outta your ass and outta my business!”

Judd takes a step forward and Paul can see where this is headed; he immediately gets in between the two men, arms raised. “Hey! Enough! You two need to relax.”

Judd huffs. “I’m not the one tryna step out on my--”

“Alex is dead.” Saying it outloud is surreal.

Alex is dead.

What the fuck.

Paul and Judd both give pause.

“What?”

TK sighs, aggravated, and shows them the post he’d been caught looking at earlier.

“TK...” Paul gulps. “I’m sorry man.”

TK nods but doesn’t utter a word.

Judd cringes. “Crap, I--” He wants to smack his head against the palm of his hand as hard as he can. “I’m such a heel, Jesus TK, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed--I’m so sorry.”

TK leans his back against the railing and this time it’s his turn to cross his arms over his chest. “Yeah, well...tell that to Carlos.”

“TK I’ll call him right now and tell him I misunderstood, I swear--”

TK interrupts him again with a shake of his head. “No, no, it’s better if I just explain it myself.” he looks up at Judd through long lashes and manages a half hearted grin. “I guess I should be happy you respect my boyfriend enough to snitch on my ass?”

Judd knows TK’s throwing him a bone, but still, he doesn’t feel he can take it. “I do,” he admits. “But that don’t mean I should’ve went ahead and assumed the worst. You deserve better than that and for that I’m especially sorry.” The whole thing with his own father in law stepping out on his Grace’s mother is still messing around with his head, but that was no excuse to think the worst of TK, of all people.

But TK tells him not to sweat it, he’ll call Carlos and tell him everything, no big, really. And then he asks the two men not to mention anything about any of this to the Captain or to any of the rest of the team, if it can be helped.

Paul frowns. “TK, it’s not good to try and go through these types of things alone, you know.”

TK shakes his head. “I’m not trying to, really. I just,” he shrugs, looking a little like a lost lamb. “I don’t really know how I feel about it yet? So I’d rather not deal with everybody’s sympathies right now, if that’s ok.”

**********************

He calls Carlos but gets sent straight to voicemail every single time and when that doesn’t work he texts him that whatever he thought was going on, there was nothing to worry about, that he would explain if Carlos would just pick up his damn phone.

Work gets progressively busier after that and TK barely has time to catch his breath, much less to try and get into contact with his boyfriend, and so it’s not until the very end of his shift, hours later, that he’s able to rush home--that is, he thinks sullenly, if Carlos hasn’t changed all the locks on him.

TK shakes his head; Carlos wouldn’t do that. He’s probably stewing though, and that thought doesn’t make TK feel any better as he steps past the threshold and inside. He’s had such a long and tiring day he hasn’t even had time to properly process what’s happened to Alex.

Carlos has cooked dinner, if the wonderful smell coming from the kitchen is any indication. He’s at the table eating alone with the TV on in the other room for background noise, and he doesn’t even look up to greet TK, only motions towards the stovetop vaguely. “Help yourself.” he mutters.

TK ignores the food and takes a seat right across from Carlos, leans over the table with a grimace. “Babe, I swear to you it’s not like that. Judd misunderstood what happened--”

Carlos sets his fork down with a clatter that startles TK into jumping slightly. “Look, I get it, moving in is a huge commitment, it’s scary, I know, but I didn’t think you would--”

“Please,” TK stops him. “Please let me just explain, please.” he hastily takes his phone out of his back pocket and opens the app. He can hear Carlos sigh above him but it doesn’t deter TK from finding the post and holding it up to his face. “This is what Judd saw me looking at.”

Carlos reluctantly lays eyes on the photo, his irritation and hurt only peeking when he sees that it’s a photo of TK’s almost fiance. That is, of course, until he reads the caption, notices the hashtags below, and suddenly it all makes sense. He doesn’t know quite what to say, except: “Oh.”

TK nods. “Caught me by surprise. I um, I haven’t heard from him since, well, you know. So I didn’t really know how to react when I found out and then Judd came up behind me and I mean, you know the rest of the story…”

“Oh.” Carlos says again, because he’s still trying to process the news.

“Yeah.” TK shrinks back in his chair and the wounded look of him finally snaps Carlos out of it.

“Crap,” Carlos groans. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He gets up and rounds the table, kneeling down in front of TK. “I was hurt and I ran off without letting you even get a word in, that was messed up and I’m sorry. Are you ok?” He makes a face at his own question, because of course TK isn’t ok. The man he’d proposed marriage to a little over a year ago now has passed, after all.

There’s no way he’s ‘ok’.

“I uh, I don’t know.” TK admits quietly.

Carlos puts a hand on his knee and squeezes gently. “It’s ok to be sad, Ty.”

TK shakes his head. “It’s--I’m not. I’m not sad. I think? I mean...it’s not like we were on friendly terms, you know? I’m more surprised I guess, than anything else. He was still so young.”

Carlos nods solemnly. “How did it happen, do you know?”

TK clears his throat and scratches at the back of his head. “The obituary I found online said it was some kind of car accident near PA. I didn’t really find out any more details than that, though. The funeral was earlier this afternoon.”

Carlos blinks. “Oh. None of your friends from New York said anything? Before today?” The fact that TK had to find out through Instagram is probably half the reason his boyfriend is finding it so hard to react properly to the tragic news.

“I didn’t really bother to keep in contact with a lot of our friends when I left, to be honest. And plus, they were all Alexs’ friends before becoming mine. So he kinda had the right to keep them after the divorce...in a manner of speaking.” TK runs a hand through the greasy locks of his hair and grimaces. “Anyway, I should probably go shower, it’s been a long day and I’m kinda gross.”

Carlos nods, letting TK worm his way out of the conversation without too much fuss.

**********************

In the shower TK stands under the spray of hot water and stares blankly at the tiled wall in front of him, irritated by the jumbled thoughts plaguing him. God, he thinks, I could really use a drink right about now.

What exactly is he supposed to be feeling right now?

Grief?

Anger?

Or perhaps regret.

It’s not as though TK ever got any real closure with Alex and now he never would. After being rejected by the man and worse yet, told he’d been replaced, TK hadn’t wanted to feel any of that pain and had gone to great and dangerous lengths to make sure he was good and numb that night.

He hadn’t meant to overdose. But he’d popped a couple of pills initially, so sure that he could control himself this time, that this time it would be different. But twenty minutes later when the two little white pills had done nothing to soothe his aching heart TK thought, what’s two more? And then two more after that, and then maybe two more, and then he’d lost count, but fuck it, if he hadn’t felt better in the moment.

The pills had worked! He couldn’t feel a thing, his head was blessedly empty and suddenly this giant weight had been lifted from his chest and he could breathe again. Until he couldn’t.

The water is cold by the time TK steps out of the tub. He dries himself off and slips on a pair of boxer shorts and an old gray t-shirt.

Carlos is waiting for him in the kitchen with a full plate, reheated, and normally the smell would be appetizing, but tonight it makes TK a little sick. “You alright? You were in there a while.”

TK nods. “M’good.”

“Here, sit, you should eat something before going to bed.” he sets the plate down in front of him and TK just stares at it like it’s the first time he’s seen food in a while and he’s not quite sure what to do with it.

“Thanks, but I’m not really hungry. I think I’m just gonna go to sleep. I’m tired.”

Carlos nods, his lips pursed like he wants to say something more, but instead all he says is, “Ok.”

******************

It’s nearly three in the morning when TK wakes up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. He’s not sure how he does it, but he manages not to wake Carlos up as he sneaks out of their bed.

A few minutes later he’s outside in his sweatpants and a hoodie, mindlessly jogging along his usual route. It’s not drugs or alcohol, but running does help. He runs and runs and runs until it hurts and even then, he keeps on running. It’s not until the cramping in his stomach is too much to bare that he finally stops and lets his body rest on a park bench.

And it’s then that he feels his phone vibrating in his pocket and realizes he’s got three missed calls. “Shit.” he picks up immediately, holding the phone up to his ear with a shaky hand. “Hey.”

“Where are you? TK, it’s almost five in the morning. What’s going on?” Carlos sounds frenzied on the other end of the line and TK can’t say he blames him.

“Sorry, I couldn’t sleep, I went out on a run and I lost track of time. I’m headed home now, sorry. Go back to bed.”

“I can come pick you up, where are you?”

TK sighs. “Carlos, seriously, I’m within walking distance, don’t worry, I’ll be there in like fifteen minutes.” he hangs up without letting the other man get another word in, which he knows isn’t right, but can’t really find it in himself to care.

His legs feel like jello when he gets up and the trek back to their place is torturous enough to make TK regret telling Carlos not to bother getting him. By the time he makes it home he’s limping slightly and his stomach is in knots.

The door swings open before TK can even take out his keys, and Carlos is standing there at the entrance looking a mixture of concerned and annoyed.

TK rolls his eyes and ignores the look, pushing his way inside and kicking off his shoes at the door. “What?” he snaps, when Carlos won’t stop staring at him.

Carlos frowns. “Stop that.”

“Stop what? What are you talking about? I went out for a run. You’re acting like I went out to shoot up at a meth lab or something. I was gone for less than two hours!” TK half shouts, his frustration spiking up a notch.

“Stop shutting me out. I know you’re upset about what happened to Alex, but you can’t just-”

“About what happened to Alex?” TK scoffs incredulously. “Nothing happened to Alex, Carlos, he died. That’s not something that happens to someone and then they like, get the fuck over it! He died! He’s dead! Gone! Never gonna see him again, didn’t get to say bye or even fuck you to the guy, he just went ahead and died and that’s that!” TK lets out a choked little laugh that sounds more like a cry than anything and covers his face with both hands, tries his best to get his shit together and under control, but it’s no use.

It’s quiet for a long time and then TK speaks again and it's soft and agonized, “I loved him.”

And Carlos nods, takes him by the shoulders and leads him to the stairs, where they both sit down and TK buries himself into Carlos, into his safe haven, and his breath hitches loudly and Carlos says, “I know.” and TK lets out a big broken sob.

“I’m here.” Carlos assures him gently, “I’m here. It’s gonna be ok.”

#tw death #tw past drug use #911 lone star #fic #i wrote a thing and yes its 100% me projecting my own shit onto poor tk #this is the closest my none insured ass gets to therapy huh #tk #carlos #judd #paul #tarlos #long post is long #fanfiction #writing #grief

45 notes · View notes

onestowatch · 3 years

Text

Aidan Bissett Wants You to Know It’s Okay to Be Alone [Q&A]

Photo: Brooke James

Aidan Bissett’s sunny and effortless disposition contrasts the chaotic ode to classic rock that is his latest track “Dumped.” The introspective and cathartic nature of his latest offering speaks to age-old feelings of heartbreak while doubling as an optimistic reminder that cloudy days cannot last forever.

Releasing soft-spoken tracks followed by headbanging, classic-rock inspired hits, this young artist’s music truly feels alive, shifting and evolving from one release to the next. With a soulful dedication to “music first, lyrics second,” Bissett is steadily creating his own lane defined by a relentless drive for experimentation. We had the chance to talk to Bissett about his creative approach, his latest single, “Dumped,” and plenty more.

youtube

Ones to Watch: So, tell me the story behind “Dumped?”

Aidan Bissett: Wow, that’s a good question. I wish when I wrote it, it came from like, I had just been dumped… Well, okay, I had sort of been dumped. I don’t know how to explain that, but let’s just say I was in a relationship, taking time off, in a sense. When we were writing it, it was me, my friends, Ryan and Sean, and we were writing in a zoom session for like three hours. It was not a good song, and none of the three of us wanted to say it was a bad song. So, we were like, “OK, we are going to go take a break for a little.”

Then I pulled my guitar off the wall and started messing around, because when I get bored, especially in sessions, I like to try and take my mind off things. I’ll play random chords and sing random lyrics, like ad-lib over them just for fun. So, I started playing like three chords that are all throughout “Dumped,” singing this hook line that—it’s going to sound really weird—“I’m taking dumps all the time.” The guy I was producing it with was like, “OK, gross,” but that actually could be really cool… what if we change it to “I’m getting dumped all the time.” And I was like, “Woah.” That’s kind of how it started and we were on a roll and wrote the whole song in two hours.

And the song does mean a lot to me, because I have actually been dumped, multiple times. It sucks, it’s not a fun feeling, so every time I listen to it, it is kind of an “f you” type of song. Like, “yeah, I got dumped but I’m better off on my own anyway.” I always like that feeling better than wallowing in sadness. So, for anyone who does listen to it, I hope that it helps bring you out of the mourn and into a new light.

In the music video, you are seen reading an “Idiot's Guide To Love.” What was the last book you read?

I do love reading, I’ve always liked reading. I have not, in the past year, read a ton of books, which sucks because I actually do like reading. Well, okay, my senior year of high school I read like 13 books but a lot of them were for school. But they were still good books! I’m in the middle of reading Dune, which is very good so far. So, hopefully, I can finish that before the movie comes out. But yeah, I do like reading… when I have the time to sit down with my ADHD mind.

“Dumped” is a noted sonic transition for you. Can you tell me about how you approach your genre-spanning sound?

I don’t really like putting myself in one genre. I’m in a certain lane in the sense I do indie-pop, I do alternative, but I don't want to do straight pop. I feel like it's such a box, and it’s so limiting. I just love exploring different sounds, so even from the start, I put out “Different,” and then the second song was “Worst Girls Of All Time,” which was a completely different sound than the indie-pop wave that “Different” is. So, me putting out stuff like this after “Communication” is me exploring new sounds. To be honest, the things I like to hear always change, the bands that I’m listening to are always changing, and I take a lot of inspiration from a lot of different bands. I just love trying new things. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, but it just keeps me on my toes instead of just doing the same formula over and over again.

What are you listening to right now?

That’s a good question, it’s kind of all over the place. There’s this one girl, Remi Wolf, who I’ve been non-stop listening to… I have been listening to her for a minute. When she put out her first EP, I loved it. But now, she’s putting out these new tracks and Solomonophonic, her producer, he’s just incredible and her voice is incredible. They are doing so many things that just aren’t normal in this time of music; it’s just so her own lane. I find that really inspiring in the sense that she’s carving her own path and not following in the line of others.

I feel like I’m always listening to Wallows no matter what. I always have them ready to go. COIN. Role Model’s rolling out new stuff so I’m excited for that, he’s kind of taking a change in his own discography. [The] sounds that he is doing are definitely a lot different from his earlier stuff. This guy, binki. He’s actually opening for Role Model on this tour. Oh my gosh! His music’s insane, so cool. It’s got so many sounds going on, similar to Remi Wolf, there’s so much going on, you’re like ‘wow.. I’ve never heard something like this before.’

For those who don’t know, you write, record and produce your music all by yourself. Can you walk me through your creative process?

Yeah, I’m very musically-driven. Everyone has their own thing, I feel like a lot of artists, like the Olivia Rodrigo types, are lyrically-driven. I’m definitely music first, lyrics second. So, when I sit down to write something I try and get something I latch onto. I’m like, “Oh, this sounds cool. Lyrics could sound cool over this.” Anytime I go into a session or I’m recording by myself, I try to lay down some form of music, and then I’ll freestyle lyrics or freestyle melodies over the top, or pick a melody I like and throw lyrics over that melody. Whether that’s a hook or a verse, that kind of just depends on how I’m feeling. It’s definitely a bit unconventional compared to other artists. I feel like artists are a bit more put together when it comes to writing music just because I’ve only been doing it for like a year-and-a-half. But I have my own process, and it works. Every time I write something I learn something new. I’m excited to see, even a year from now, what my process will be… and even if it's completely different or efficient, who knows?

Tell me about the influence of music in your childhood and the decision for you to be a musician at a young age - you started playing electric guitar very young - what was your household like? Musical family?

My dad wanted the kids in our family, I have two other siblings, to play an instrument for two years during our young adult life. He wanted us to play piano before we got to pick, so we had two years of piano and then we had to pick an instrument. So, my sister went and played two years of piano and didn’t really stick with it afterward. Then, it was my turn and I was like, “Well, I don’t really want to play piano, can I play guitar?” And since I was the only one who asked, who expressed interest in a different instrument, he was like, “Sure.” I started in second grade and I’ve stuck with it the entire time. I took lessons for years, and that’s how I kind of got into the classic rock scene. My dad was a huge classic rock fan so he showed me all greats… and that was all I listened to for years. It definitely had a large impact on what I did. I would even play in little recitals, and I always played classic rock songs like AC/DC or Guns N’ Roses.

It wasn’t necessarily a musical household, like my dad isn’t musical, my mom isn’t musical. The reason he wanted us to play an instrument is because his mom made him play an instrument as a kid, so he was like, “You guys get to do that, too.” But it is true, one of us ended up using it.

What do you want people to take away from “Dumped?”

It’s an amp-up song. I want them to feel energized, to be happy with yourself. Getting hurt in relationships happens all the time, but it's okay to get hurt in a relationship. It’s kind of how you bounce back, and I want this song to be like a bounce back. Like, you hear it and, “Oh! This is me bouncing back! I don’t need to sit and cry anymore, because that’s not fun.” Sitting and crying is okay, everyone’s done it, but there’s a point that you reach, in that break-up phase, when the crying needs to stop and you need to go out and live and be the person that you are, independently. So, I would hope that it inspires you to be your independent, wonderful self again.

Is there anything else you would like to say about your music, or in general, that you want to take the chance now to say?

Well, I’m sitting on a lot of songs. So, I’m excited to get all the rest out, and again, everything is so diverse. All the music is so diverse, I just feel like each song is its own thing, which I really enjoy. I feel that’s really unique to my own music, where you’re getting something new every time. I’m moving to LA. That’s the other thing. So, if anyone sees me in LA, please stop me and say hello!

#aidan bissett #dumped #interview #pop #indie pop #alternative pop

11 notes · View notes

meltwonu · 4 years

Text

s n a k e | e y e s [chapter 10] FINAL

pairing; snakehybrid!woozi x female!reader

this chapter’s notes; some angst, loads of fluff, oral(female receiving), return of jihoon’s impregnation kink!!, multiple orgasms, squirting 🥴💕 y’all... the final chapter. Thank you so much for everyone who gave interest in our cute ‘lil snake hybrid jihoonie~ and to those who patiently waited for each chapter 🥺🥺🥺 I hope to keep writing for him in the future as well cause I love him so much~~💕

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

Jihoon working in the studio with Soonyoung and the others confirms your worst fear.

It takes them a couple of days to figure out everyone’s skillset and in the time they’re in the studio, you hardly see Jihoon at home. He leaves before you wake up and comes home right after dinner. It reminds you of when you and Soonyoung were together; or really the lack thereof.

You take the time to go into the office on most of those days instead, having lunch with Minghao who’s equally not seen his own hybrid at home.

“It’s kind of weird, I guess? I’m used to him being home but I’m glad he’s got a group of friends to keep him busy. He seems really happy when he gets home.” “Mm…” Minghao’s words go in one ear and out the other as you pick at your uneaten lunch.

“Something tells me you don’t feel the same?” This time you look at him, seeing the worried expression on his face.

“It’s not that at all! I’m really happy for Jihoon and them. He’s really excited about it all too… It’s just…” A lump forms in your throat and you do your best to keep it down. “It’s just… it’s starting to remind me a lot of what happened with Soonyoung, is all. And I guess I’m just scared.”

Minghao hums, sliding his chair closer to you before he pats your shoulder comfortingly. “Figured as much. That’s why you two broke up, right? Because he was hardly ever around?” You nod, sighing.

“I know I’m probably overthinking but it’s just weird to not see Jihoon everyday, y’know? He leaves for the studio before I wake up and gets home just in time for bed. And coming to the office helps me keep busy but I don’t know… Guess it’s just something to get used to.” You chuckle softly, sending Minghao a reassuring smile.

“I’ll be okay.”

When you get home from the office that day, you notice Jihoon’s shoes are already by the door and the lights are on.

“Jihoon?”

“In the kitchen!”

You make your way towards the kitchen, noticing there’s food on the dining table when you walk in. “Jihoon, did you cook?” The male scratches the back of his head, ears red when he meets your inquisitive eyes.

“I wish, but no, I’d probably still set the kitchen on fire if I tried. But we finished up at the studio earlier and Soonyoung sent me home with some food. Come eat with me while it’s still hot!” He sets the plates down, pulling out your chair for you before he sits across the table.

“How was work at the office?”

“S’okay, having lunch with Minghao everyday is kinda funny. We have the same stories to tell since you and Chan are barely around.” You chuckle, taking a bite of your food before questioning Jihoon about his day.

“We actually finished recording a track! The hyungs said that they might even let me have a studio space ‘cause they said we had a lot of promise and we sent the track to the cafe so they could hear it. I think we’ll hear back in a couple days if we got a performance!” Jihoon’s eyes glitter with hope, happiness evident in his voice. “That’s great Jihoon! I hope you guys get it!” You smile at him, unsure if it reaches your eyes.

“You okay? You seem kinda sad again though. It’s the same kinda sad that time we were in the shower together…” His comment catches you off guard momentarily; eyes flitting to the food in front of you in order to avoid his worried stare. “I... “ All of your thoughts and worries finally come to a head in an instant.

“You can be honest with me, y’know? I won’t be upset.” Jihoon gets up from his seat, pulling the chair out next to you before he sits in it. He grabs your hand, lacing his fingertips with yours reassuringly.

“I just… I--I’m scared.”

“Scared? Why?” Jihoon uses his free hand to push your hair back, tucking it behind your ear. Tears blur your vision, a stray droplet falling into your lap as you use your free hand to rub at your eyes.

“I--I don’t want us to turn out like how Soonyoung and I did. And I guess I just got scared because--because you weren’t home and that’s where my problems started with Soonyoung. And… and I just felt like I never really had a place in his world once he started really getting into his work…” You clench your jaw, tears freely spilling when you meet Jihoon’s loving gaze. “I’m scared of being forgotten or something, I dunno. I’m not making sense. Sorry, I’m just… thinking too much, I guess.”

“You are.” Jihoon sighs, running a free hand through his hair before he reaches over and wipes at your eyes with the back of his finger. “I don’t want you to think of me like Soonyoung because we’re two different people with two completely different lives. I don’t know what you’re thinking I’m going to do but I’d never leave or forget you.” He caresses your cheek, leaning in to kiss your forehead.

“And you gave me a home in your world, so the least I can do is give you one in mine too.”

It doesn’t shock you at all that they get a call-back to perform at ‘An Ode’. Jihoon frantically tells you over breakfast one morning; jumping excitedly in the bed as he struggles to call the others to let them know.

You, Seungcheol and Minghao meet up in front of the cafe on the night they’re set to perform; nervous and jittery for the hybrids.

“I’m excited but so nervous for them! And to think they kept their song a complete secret until now…” Seungcheol ponders, opening the door for you and Minghao. “Huh, I didn’t even think about that but you’re right.” Minghao adds, guiding you to a table closer to the back.

“I’m surprised we’re not gonna sit in the front?” Seungcheol asks. You and Minghao share a look, giggling before you each take a seat. “Chan and Jihoon said they were shy and they were afraid of messing up if we sat in the front so we agreed we would try to blend in with the crowd. I don’t want Jihoon to take it out on me later.”

“Damn, Mingyu asked me to do the opposite so I could film him.” The three of you laugh as Seungcheol settles into his own seat, checking to make sure he can still catch the stage from where he sits.

“Seokmin was saying he was nervous but I think he’s probably on the same level as Jihoon and Chan with being shy. I think it’s just Mingyu that isn’t freakin’ out right now.”

“That’s a good thing though. It’s probably helping them not run out of the cafe right now, ‘Cheol.” You reply, looking over the drinks. There were a few other performers that were going on before Jihoon and the others. “By the way, did they ever decide on a group name for themselves?” You ask.

“Mmm, I think Chan said something about how they couldn’t decide on one so they just… didn’t.” Seungcheol snorts, shaking his head as he laughs. “Sounds about right. They probably thought everything was too cheesy and just decided to go with none.” The three of you order coffee in the meantime, chatting until it’s time for them to perform.

Thirty minutes pass easily before you see Mingyu hopping onto the stage, adjusting a few of the mics before he gestures to the other three to get on stage. His tail wags excitedly as the others join him and he takes his place next to Jihoon who situates himself in the middle with Seokmin.

“Um..” Jihoon’s cheeks are beet red up to his ears, licking his lips as he tries to will the nerves away. “We--um, we don’t really have a group name or a-anything yet. But we’ll be performing a ballad for you, um, tonight. We took a while to prepare this song and we even produced it ourselves! It holds a lot of meaning for us.” He pauses to clear his voice, his eyes locking onto yours immediately through the crowd.

“I… wrote this song with someone in mind. And for all of you who have that special someone, this is for you. It’s called ‘Smile Flower’, please enjoy!” He licks his lips shyly just as Seokmin nudges him jokingly; the lights dimming just as the music starts.

A shiver runs down your spine as you listen, tears springing to your eyes when you focus on the lyrics. Minghao nudges you slightly, sly smile on his face when he sees your blush even in the dim lights.

“He really cherishes you.”

“Mm…”

When the song finishes, you wipe a stray tear, clapping quietly with the crowd as the shy hybrids shuffle off of the stage. Mingyu yells an excited ‘Thank You!’ before he pushes the other three towards the back room.

“Uh oh, I don’t think I was recording anything the entire time.”

Seungcheol takes you all to dinner afterwards; the hybrids excitedly chatting and wondering about when they’d be able to write and produce more songs. Mingyu had been sad for a second that it hadn’t been recorded but Seungcheol promised to let him have whatever food he wanted so it was quickly forgotten.

When you and Jihoon get home that night, the air feels different. He tangles his pinky with yours, guiding you towards the bedroom without a word.

“Ji--”

His lips are on yours not a second later, hand tangling into your hair to keep you close as you wrap your arms around his neck. He licks the seam of your lips, slowly guiding you to the bed as his tongue slides into your mouth. The back of your knees hit the bed; a small squeak escaping you when his lips disconnect from yours.

“I wanna show you how much you mean to me.” He mumbles, shedding off his clothes before he helps you out of yours. “Lay by the headboard for me, baby.” You nod, adjusting yourself until your head rests on the pillows. Jihoon pries your legs apart, settling himself in between them as his hands roam your skin.

“You’re so pretty… and beautiful… and kind…” He whispers, leaning down until his lips are against your sternum. “And you’re all mine, right?” A smile carves itself onto his lips just as he kisses your skin gently.

“Y-yes… I’m all yours, Jihoon.”

He kisses his way across your torso, tongue flicking out as he licks at one of your nipples. You whimper, back arching into his touch as the nub hardens under his ministrations. “Ah, Ji…”

“You sound so pretty too, baby…” You blush at his compliment; already feeling the wetness beginning to pool between your thighs.

Jihoon moves to your other nipple, lapping at it until it hardens as well. He leaves love bites in the mix, marking up your torso and the column of your neck before he slowly inches lower and lower. “You mean so much to me…” His words are muffled against your skin and you watch as he lowers himself until all you can see is his blonde head of hair between your legs.

“...I’d give you anything you ask for.” He smiles up at you before he delves in, using his fingers to spread your folds. “I’d eat you out for hours if you want me to.” His tongue flicks out, lapping at your entrance as he groans. “Fuck, you always taste so good.” He moans against you as his tongue travels from your clit to your entrance, spreading your wetness. The vibrations send a tingle up your spine as your hands lock into his hair.

“Ngh, Ji… Your f-fingers too.. Please…” He obliges, bringing his index and middle finger up to his mouth to properly wet them before he brings them to your pussy. Slowly easing in a digit, he sucks your clit into his mouth, a sharp cry escaping you as your thighs clamp around his head. He slowly fucks his finger into you as he licks at your clit; adding another finger when he can hear how wet you were getting.

He crooks his fingers inside of you, tapping your g-spot repeatedly as you cry out. “Ji! I--mmh!” When he adds a third finger is when you start to feel your first orgasm already building; walls tightening around his delicate fingers. He continues to lap at your clit, drawing circles on it with his tongue as you grind down onto him to get more.

“I want you to cum for me.” Jihoon mumbles, fingers doubling in speed as he sucks your clit back into his mouth. You whine, feeling the tension snap as you cum on his command, walls spasming around his fingers. He works you through it, slowing down his pace until you’re mewling and trying to push his head away from your sensitive pussy.

Jihoon giggles cutely, hair messy when he positions himself between your legs again. “Still with me?” His lips are covered in your wetness when you pull him down, kissing him square on the lips as you taste yourself.

“Mmhmm…” You moan against his lips, feeling the shaft of his hard cock against your sensitive folds. He grinds against you, letting you feel him before he pulls away. He wraps a hand around his cock, tapping the head of it against your swollen clit as you flinch.

“Jihoon, please.. Wanna feel you…”

He positions himself at your entrance, moaning as he slowly sinks his cock into you. He goes slow, letting you feel every inch of him until the head of his cock taps your cervix. You wince, clenching at how full Jihoon always made you feel. “God, please, please move!”

Jihoon draws his hips back before he slams into you hard; your breath hitching when you feel the drag of his cock between your walls. Your hands tangle into the sheets under you, already on the verge of another orgasm. “Fuh--fuck, you feel so good, Ji!” You cry, lashes wet with tears.

“Mmm, you feel so good around me, baby. So fuckin’ wet and warm.” He smiles at you, squeezing your waist. He keeps at a moderate pace; pulling all the way out before he thrusts back in.

“Feels like you wanna cum again, don’t you? You’re getting so tight.” You nod frantically, hands grasping at his forearms when you feel your thighs shaking. “I--’m cumming!!” Your eyes snap shut, mind going blank and breath pausing when you cum hard in Jihoon’s hold. He halts his thrusts, cock snug between your walls as he groans. “God, you feel so good.” He whispers; hands massaging your skin as you start to come down from your second high.

“Still okay, baby?” You sniffle, thighs still shaking when he resumes his pace from before. “Mmhmm…”

You feel sated and warm when he starts thrusting into you faster, a bead of sweat trickling down his temple as he chases his high.

“A-ah, Ji… want you to cum inside me… let me have it~” You murmur, clenching around his cock as you urge him to cum. He gives you a breathless laugh, pushing his hair out of his face before his eyes lock onto yours.

“You really love it when I cum inside of you, don’t you? You wanna get nice and full of my cum so you’ll get pregnant, hmm? I’ll have to cum inside of you every time we fuck so it’ll stick.” He grins at you, eyes filled with mirth.

“But our kids would be cute, huh?”

Your heart pangs at his question; body flaring up immediately at the thought of having kids with Jihoon. He giggles at your shy expression, grinding into you as he felt his orgasm start to crest. “Ngh, sh--shit, I’m gonna cum! Think you can cum one more time for me, baby?” You bite your lip, nodding.

“Want you to cum with me this time, okay?” You nod again, moaning loudly when the pad of his thumb meets your swollen clit. He circles the nub harshly as your thighs shake and clamp around him hard, garbled noises spilling from your lips when he throws you over the edge and into your third orgasm.

The ringing in your ears is overwhelming and you can feel your body arch off the bed, pin picks all over your skin as the pleasure washes over you. Jihoon’s cock is forced out of you when you unintentionally squirt all over him. He smirks as he taps the head of his cock against your sensitive clit, working you through your orgasm before he sinks his cock back into your sensitive pussy.

He wastes no time, fucking into you hard and fast as your walls flutter around him; still in the thrums of your orgasm when he grinds into you, filling you up with his cum.

You mewl at the sensation, already feeling his cum dripping down the sides of his cock that’s still deep inside of you. Jihoon hovers over you, breath uneven as he stares down at your tired eyes.

“I… think I love you.”

You clench around his cock on instinct, a sharp groan escaping his lips. “I--you--wuh--what?”

Jihoon smiles shyly, slowly pulling his cock out of you as the cum drips down onto the sheets. “Sorry, was my timing wrong?” You stare up at the ceiling for a second, the ringing in your ears getting even louder as you feel his cum sliding out of you.

“I--no--I mean, your cum is literally… dripping out of me, but… when… you--I?” Your words are jumbled as you sit up, moaning tiredly as you sit in a pool of Jihoon’s cum and your own wetness.

“I… sorry, I didn’t say it at a more romantic time. But I just wanted you to know… I said ‘I think’ because there’s still a lot we still need to learn about each other, right? And there’s still a lot of questions about how we’re going to move forward from here.” He pauses, a flush painting onto his cheeks as he stares at all the love bites he’d left on your skin. “But I know how I feel and I know what I feel is love. And I want to keep exploring more of that feeling… with you.”

Jihoon’s eyes travel to your face, a shy blush on your cheeks as well. “I… think I love you too, Jihoon.” You whisper.

In a split second, he tackles you back down onto the bed, shy laughter filling up the space almost immediately. His eyes twinkle when he settles down next to you, pushing your messy hair out of your face.

“I want you to know that I’ll do anything to make you comfortable with whatever happens in our future together. You gave me a safe place and the freedom to be who I really am and I want you to feel the same. I don’t want you to be scared and insecure because I’ll take care of you just like you do for me. I don’t think I ever loved anyone until I met you. And I’m scared too, but I’m willing to learn with you.”

The tears spring to your eyes faster than you can think, lip quivering when he kisses your forehead. “Can’t believe you’re being a sap and making me cry after you made me cum three times and squirt.” Jihoon lets out a boisterous laugh, tossing his head back at your words.

“Baby, I cannot tell you how many love songs I’ve written about you. I’m always going to be a romantic sap underneath my harsh exterior.” He jokingly glares at you, wiping the tears that wet your lashes.

“But seriously, whatever comes our way, we’ll work through it together, okay? I don’t want either of us to make individual decisions because we’re a real couple now. And… And once I finally get work and start getting paid, I’m gonna spoil you so bad, you won’t even know what to do!” He promises, relaxing onto his stomach next to your tired form.

“Okay, but can you spoil me now and get me cleaned up and change the sheets because we’re laying in… well, a lot. And then I wanna hear all about these love songs you wrote about me, if you’re okay with sharing...” You giggle, watching as he pouts at you.

“I’ll do you even better and get you cleaned up, change the sheets, serenade you to sleep and I’ll make you breakfast in the morning.”

“Jihoon… are you… capable of doing that or…”

“How hard is it to make bacon and eggs in the morning? A cup of coffee? Easy. Toast? Just a button.” He boasts, easing off the bed before he helps you up.

Jihoon carries you to the bathroom, letting you sit on the countertop as he runs the water. “How about we compromise and I’ll sit in the kitchen and supervise while you try to make breakfast.” He grins at you, slotting himself between your legs before he kisses you softly.

“Deal.”

#snakehybrid!woozi #woozi smut #seventeen smut #svt smut #woozi scenarios #woozi imagines #seventeen imagines #svt imagines #seventeen scenarios #svt scenarios #woozi #lee jihoon

439 notes · View notes

pebblysand · 3 years

Text

of breakable clay [extended author's notes on chapter viii of castles]

oh my god. it’s out. jesus christ.

okay first off, before i dive into anything, i know i’ve already done this in the actual a/n but i would like to wholeheartedly thank @whiffingbooks over on discord for helping me with figuring out the structure of things fic. although i have to admit i did not, at all, do what i told you i would do, talking it out was massively helpful in figuring this one out, so thanks a million. secondly, i would like send all of my most sincere and affectionate thanks to @whizzfizz on here, who mother-of-god basically designed this entire chapter and listened to me rant, and rant, and rant about it for days on end without complaining. i’ll go into a bit more depth later on, but THANK YOU.

now, a few facts on this chapter before i dive further in:

wordcount: 19168. i legit would apologise for this but i promised i wouldn’t so i’m not going to. that’s growing up people. don’t apologise for yourselves haha.

soundtrack: so i’ve never mentioned this but each chapter kind of has a soundtrack? like a song that i listened to on loop while writing this. here, i would basically point you to the entire spotify of a band called barns courtney (there’s one album and a few eps), i basically listened to all of their songs on loop this past month. i feel like they have such a strong gryffindor energy, in the good, the bad and the ugly. this chapter is definitely sort of an ode to gryffindors so their music was a very big inspo. if i had to point you to one song, it would probably be dopamine.

favourite line: ‘I dig my fingernails into the inside of my palms and it feels like the blood that comes out is already boiling.’

what is this chapter about? now, that’s an easy one. survival.

okay, now, spoilers under the cut.

ugh. holy fucking shit. i’m actually at a stage right now where i strongly believe that no one on earth will want to read this because everyone probably hates me right now for the choices that i made, especially after i made you wait almost three months for this shit. i always feel like whatever i’ve put out was the hardest chapter to write so far but this one was really out there in terms of struggles - i’m really sorry it took so long, but here we are.

there are reasons, though. first, as i said in my may round up, i didn’t really start writing this until about a month ago, because a lot of things were happening in my life that i needed to take care of. i took exams (which i passed!!!!), my mum had a health emergency, ireland added france to their mandatory quarantine list (it has been removed as of yesterday thank. fucking. christ) and i started a new job. it was a lot.

anyway, this being said, when i did get to writing this chapter, as mentioned above in the thank-you section, i kind of first struggled with the structure of it. now, you will see this is a recurring theme this time around but for this, my instincts were telling me one thing, and my brain was saying something else.

basically, what came first here wasn’t the actual content of ginny’s letters (more on that, obviously, in a minute) but the ‘mood’ i wanted for the chapter. i wanted to recreate, both for harry and for the reader, this sort of idea of being completely immersed in a book or a story. like, you know the kind of mood where reality just kind of blends out, where you start reading something and just. cannot. stop. i don’t think he’s much a reader (at least not canonically) and so i wanted this to take him by surprise, for her to take over his life with her words. i explained in the previous a/n [link] i chose to have ginny’s war be told through letters (basically, i thought it would be the best way to narratively tell her story), and i really wanted harry to experience what she’d lived through almost first hand.

now, interestingly, my idea for how to do this originally was to have the letters sort of be interwoven into the events of 1999, throughout the next couple of chapters (meaning this one and chapter nine). i had this idea in my head of him living through ‘real life’ things but not being able to take his mind off her letters, with the letters also sort of echoing the events that were happening in 99, etc. having the two plot lines develop at once and meet in the middle, kind of.

and i tried to write that. for a long time. spoiler alert, it didn’t work. i think the reason is that every time i sat down with it, i felt like i was doing a disservice to both stories. i mean: 97/98 is important, but 99 also is, you know? and by taking the narrative in and out all the time, it was like you couldn’t concentrate on one thing. it was just very messy and didn’t have the intensity i was originally aiming for because it kept being dragged out of whatever was the main action at the time. i wanted harry to get sucked into the narrative, for her letters to take over his life, but in the end, the impression i just got was that the whole thing was confusing af. instead of deeply caring about both, i couldn’t bring myself to care either for ginny’s story, or for his.

also, i just kept hitting a wall: a wall called harry. basically, i knew that the next two chapters (i.e. eight and nine) would stretch from january 99 to june 99. and for the love of god, no matter how many times i turned it around in my head, there was - to me - no way that harry as we know him would just pace himself to read her letters throughout all those months. like, harry fucking potter isn’t the kind of guy who ‘paces’ himself. he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t sleep for a week to get through it all, you know? this is everything that he’s wanted to know since last may, he’s been desperately looking for answers up to this point, there is absolutely not way in hell that he’d wait it out nicely until june. it felt ooc to have him read the letters over a few months. and i just kept hitting that wall over and over. i considered, at one point, building him reading the letters into flashbacks but flashbacks of flashbacks were, again, quite messy, and i don’t think her letters would ever be something he’d volunteer to re-read, so. clearly, it wasn’t working.

then, i think on a random sunday a few weeks ago, i just went back to the drawing board and was like: okay, say we just write all of the letters and go from there, what would happen? by the end of the day, i’d written 12,000 words and that was that, really.

now, the second difficulty, once i’d decided that was…. what you all probably want me to talk about.

i know this is probably not what you want to hear but: i didn’t really plan this? like, i understand that a lot of people have sort of a headcanon about what happened to ginny in that year in hogwarts but i … don’t. like, as planned as this fic is (which it is, i know where i’m going, i promise) that was always a bit of a blank-space-tbd in my head. i think that this story, as hinny as it is, is mostly about harry. and while i knew what i wanted for harry from her telling her story (for him to get sucked in, for him to realise that his war wasn’t the only war in the world ‘cause he’s been bloody self-centered so far, for him to realise that his plan to protect her didn’t exactly work because it didn’t cater for who she is, etc.), i wasn’t really sure what that story was. i mean, i knew it was going to be bad and traumatic, obviously, but i didn’t know what would happen. and still, to me, what i wrote is a version of that year. it’s not really my headcanon (i still don’t really have one), and i definitely accept other versions, if that makes sense.

this being said, i obviously had thought about it a little. i remember writing chapter one with that line: ‘They have sex for the first time, that day – his first time and it feels like hers, too, but he wouldn’t dare ask, not anymore, anyways’ and thinking i wanted to leave the door open. to me, it was a door completely open: it could have indeed been her first time, or she could have seen someone else (consensually) during that year, or she could have been assaulted. i honestly didn’t know but yeah, that was always a possibility in the back of my head.

then, to tell you the truth, when i wrote the first version of this chapter (the 12,000 words i mentioned earlier), it wasn’t there. i sat down and decided that i wasn’t going to go there. firstly, because, while you probably don’t know this, i’ve written about sexual assault before. my previous long fic, children, in another fandom, dealt (in part) with that. and i didn’t want to be the-fic-writer-who-writes-about-sexual-assault. especially because trust me, there are people who are a lot more legitimate to talk about this than i am. i also didn’t feel like it was necessary to the story, i could do without it and still explain ginny’s early behaviour in the fic, explain her trauma, and have harry realise the things i talked about before. secondly, i’ll be honest: i know this isn’t what people in this fandom want to read. the hinny pairing is mostly about love and fluff (which i love, btw, don’t get me wrong) and i was like, ugh, i don’t want to face the angry comments. i’m writing this a/n the morning before posting so i admittedly don’t know what the reaction will be but i do anticipate a lot of annoyance with me. i knew that a lot of people wouldn’t like it if i went there, and it was just easier not to.

but then, as i started editing, there was a comment (and this, ladies and gentlemen, is a testament to how much your comments fucking matter, okay?). a comment that i remembered reading on the previous chapter and could not get out of my head, no matter how much i tried. well, hello, @whizzfizz. i’ll happily give credit where credit is due. it read:

This made me think of something you mentioned earlier in the fic (possibly Ch1) about Harry not being sure if he was Ginny’s first but that it felt like it. I wonder if this is something that is going to come up in her letters to him.

and, so, it turned. around and around in my head, and i couldn’t get it out. and i kept saying to myself: no, you’re not going there. no, you’re not going there. and then, one night, i caved. i was like, fuck, i need to know if this person really meant what i think they meant by this. and so we talked. a lot. and, i did a lot of thinking. about women. about wars. about violence against women as a an inevitable weapon of war. about ginny being harry’s girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend (more on that later), and what that would have meant in their world. and @whizzfizz, you said something that in the end really sold me. you said: ‘at this point, i don’t think it would be realistic for it not to have happened.’ and, that was that, really.

because i was right, initially. amycus/ginny (ugh, the idea of a pairing makes me throw up in my mouth a little but yeah, there it is) isn’t necessary to the story. but i believe it to be necessary to what this story is trying to show. the plot held well without it, no questions asked. 12,000 words of the da and their battles, of ginny’s rebellions. it was fine. but i think i wanted more than fine. to me (and i appreciate how fucking pretentious that is, please slap me in the face *eyeroll*), castles is more than its plot. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: this is about what is behind ‘all was well.’ it’s about trying to paint a realistic picture of their lives. and that includes the war. and realistically, as far as i’m concerned, knowing how humans fight their wars, knowing our history and the history of violence against women construed as a weapon in literally every conflict there ever was, there is no way that this didn’t happen. ginny says it herself: for us girls, it’s just the way wars are fought.

so, i did go there. and the whole fandom probably hates me for going there, but i sort of stand by it, i have to say. to be honest, on a sort of subconscious level, i kind of wonder: didn’t i always know i was going to go there? like, this fits perfectly into the plot to the point that i think it was probably in my head for much longer than i care to admit. now, i’m so, fucking excited to write next chapter because i finally get to write happy things, and hinny getting back together on rock solid foundations of openness and sharing, and trust, and i’m so, so glad. there are a couple of scenes in the next chapter that i’ve been working towards for months and i’m so, bloody excited to write them. everyone might hate me and i might just be writing this fic for myself now (lol), but again, i stand by the decisions i took. to me, it fits.

phew. okay, now that huge thing is out of the way and explained, here are a few more jumbled thoughts:

the more i think about it, the more i think that my reason for not wanting to be the-fic-writer-who-writes-about-sexual-assault is a bit ridic. children and castles, in that way, are so, so different. like, i appreciate the overlap between the silk fandom and the hp fandom is probably ridiculously small but if you’ve read both stories, they’re obviously very different. one thing that both stories centre on, though, is consent. and to me, that’s probably the most interesting element of ginny/amycus, and the most interesting element of writing characters within a restrictive pov, rather than an omniscient one. like, do i think ginny/amycus is rape? yes. 100%. do i think that ginny thinks it’s rape? that is a much more interesting question. she says it a number of times but i think to her, this is all about control. i think that because of what happened to her with tom, she’s someone who is terrified of losing control of her mind and of her own agency. so as not to lose that, she’s willing to do whatever it takes. it is a ‘you can control my body, but not my thoughts,’ sort of narrative. and, she never says it outright because i think psychologically she’s just not there yet, but tom is everywhere in these letters. and as her world just spirals out, she hangs onto the very few things that she can control: her relationship to harry, and her willingness to do what it takes for them to survive. she initiates the ‘relationship’ with amycus in an attempt to control her fate. later, as she explains to harry she feels a lot of guilt over what she did, and like a lot of sexual assault survivors, she thinks it was her responsibility. because i’m in harry’s head most of the time for this fic, i’m not sure i’ll ever really get to discuss that at length, but it’s definitely something that i wanted to show. another interesting question is: does harry think it’s rape? i think at that point in the fic, he doesn’t have the education, nor the vocabulary for that. i think instinctively (because he is someone who is very instinctive), he doesn’t blame her. if he blames anyone, it’s probably himself. he understands the necessity to do what you have to do to survive and thinks that no, no matter what she claims, that was not consented. that’s kind of what comes out in his annoyingly inarticulate letter to her at the end. beyond that, though, i think he’s a bit lost, just like she is.

on a mildly related note, there is something that i've been seeing a lot in the comments and that i feel like i should maybe address? namely: harry's reaction to ginny dating other people. i assume similar comments will be made about his reaction to ginny/alecto (meaning that he still decides to write to her, at the end of the chapter). i've seen a lot of people observe that he's much more 'chill' about it in castles than in canon. fair point but is he, though? like, he isn't happy about it in castles. and he's jealous as well. but he was never entitled in canon. he was jealous, yes, the chest monster and all that, but he never really did anything about it, and never really impeded on her right to see other people. now, this being said, i agree that in sixth year he might have thrown a tantrum, had she done what she did in castles, but that was sixth year. it was before the war. before he lost half a dozen people. before he had to adult bloody fucking quickly. this being said, i do think castles-Harry is more 'subdued,' i suppose, than canon harry. this is a choice i made early on, which to me is related to the fact that he kind of lost his 'voice' during the war. i mean, it took him six months of people talking shit behind his back to do a press interview to defend himself. i think with ginny, it's a lot of the same. he's a boy who blames himself a lot, and generally doesn't particularly think he deserves the people in his life. to me it's an evolution of his character within the the world of castles. i'm happy to agree to disagree on it, but to me it makes sense within the character evolution and the way the fic's gone, so to speak. now, obviously, he'll grow out of that in due course, but we're not quite there yet.

regarding their relationship, now, i have to say: one headcanon that i did have for this was her not outright telling everyone they’d broken up. i’m sorry, that plan was shit. i just don’t buy for a second that she would willingly have gone ahead with it, and i don’t buy for a second that tom wouldn’t have used her had he known they’d been together, ex girlfriend or not. plus, i think she needed something to hand onto, and that was her relationship with him. her letters. the belief that they would be together again. without it, i don’t think she’d have survived. and i think that summer after the war, they were totally on the same page, for different reasons. both of them kind of saw their relationship as the one thing that kept them afloat, the one good thing they had, partly also because they’d idealised it for so long. she says it as some point, it wasn’t a relationship, it was a lifeline (another sentence i came up with as a response to a comment, lol) and while that is toxic and was meant to crumble at some point, it was necessary for them, both during the war, and in the early days after it. i think her last letter to him is painstakingly correct on that one.

regarding canon, i know i’m bending a couple of things here, which i just wanted to quickly acknowledge: 1) i know jkr has said it’s teddy remus lupin. i just can’t believe, for a moment, that someone who hated himself as much as lupin did, canonically, would name his son after himself. naming his son after his best mate who died to young to become problematic though? i totally see it. so yeah, creative licence, it’s teddy james lupin in this house, lol. 2) when they meet neville in dh, he kind of hints that they’ve only just started to use the room of requirement a couple weeks ago. the text however, only says they’ve only been staying in it full time a couple of weeks ago. i needed them to have somewhere where to meet with the da and stuff, so i bent that a bit. it’s not strictly canon, but it’s also not not canon, if that makes sense.

on seamus blowing things up and talking about eight hundred years of oppression? full disclaimer, while i am french, i have been living in ireland for long enough to become eligible for citizenship in less than six months (yay!). i know some people have said that seamus is a bit of a cliche in the books/films and all (the only irish character keen on blowing things up, haha *eyeroll*), but i actually kind of love it? like, the whole thing about the cranberries and zombie at the start of the fic has been in my head for much longer than i care to admit. i love the idea that there’s this whole muggle war going on at the exact same time that no one ever talks about and actually, i find the idea of wizarding ireland v. muggle ireland and the whole political structure fascinating. like, is wizarding ireland an independent state? what’s the story there? i have a whole seamus fic in my head, partially on this topic, that i might or might not write one day.

lastly, i know this may sound a bit weird but i need to say it: once i’d figured out what and how i was writing it, i bloody loved writing this chapter. first stylistically, i really wanted to mimic the style of how i’d written the magazine article in chapter 5 (i.e. not writing out the whole thing but writing out in text the excerpts that harry focused on) and i love how that turned out. i think it was a good way to balance her words and his, kind of merging them into one, big narrative. second, as a writer, it was so fucking interesting to write someone who knows how to write, which believe it or not i’d never done before. additionally, i loved the challenge of editing this because it was like: i’ve got to edit this, but not too much? i was very careful about modifying and polishing too much of ginny’s speech in the letters because i obviously wanted it to sound like someone who was just writing as the words came to her, without polishing the words, the punctuation, etc. like i usually would. i wanted her to have quirks (she says ‘you know?’ a lot) and i played with her capitalisation and punctuation a bit too. i know these aren’t necessarily noticeable details but it was definitely something that i thought about and that was very fun and interesting to write, as a format.

wow, okay. this was LONG but i think i have everything i wanted to say. if you’ve read all of this (whyyyyy?), thanks so much for sticking around. if you’ve got any questions, anything i didn’t address, do let me know, anon or not, my ask box is open. now, i would love to say i’m going to chill or something, but the truth is that i have to a) actually do a last read through of the fic, lol and b) put it out. this is what i get for writing the a/n before finishing the damn thing, i guess. i’ll rest tomorrow, lol.

lastly, in terms of next chapter, realistically, i’d say eight to ten weeks. i have a full time job now and also, writing this was fucking exhausting and i need to take time out for a bit before coming back to it with a fresh mind. i will be writing other stuff though, i promise. i have a couple of prompts to get to (thanks!!!) and a couple of other ideas so i will probably be posting in the meantime, just not castles.

lots of love,

#castles #extended an #writing #fic #its out #holy shit #byyyyyye #I have not proofread this so we die like men eh

16 notes · View notes

iamnotawomanimagod · 4 years

Text

Manic Review - From “Least-Best” to Best

Halsey released her third studio album on 1/17/2020, and it is easily her best. I’ve wanted to talk about it, but first, I need to figure out how I feel about each track in relation to the others. So this is mostly for me, but I’d love to hear how other people are feeling too!

I love all of these songs, I feel so blessed with this album, which is why this goes from “least-best” to “best”, not “worst.”

(I know that’s kind of splitting semantic hairs, but I refuse to disrespect this album, lmao.)

So, without further ado, here are my favorite songs on Manic, starting with the one I like the least:

16 - “Alanis’s Interlude”

This is THE bisexual anthem we’ve all been waiting for from Halsey. It’s cool, sexy, and features some stellar vocals from both Alanis and Halsey. It ranks so low for me only because I’m not a huge fan of the chorus, the machine drums, or the melody, despite loving the message. But the verses are fire, and so are the vocals.

15 - “Still Learning”

I think this track will be a slow-grower for me, the way “Devil in Me” was. Maybe it’s just because it comes on the heels of the deeply, deeply impactful “More” - but I found this didn’t strike the chord I thought it would. It’s a beautiful song, though, and very meaningful to Halsey’s personal journey. I think seeing it live might change my mind about it.

14 - “Finally // beautiful stranger”

This might be the sweetest side of Halsey that we’ve ever seen, especially when it comes to romantic love. The fact that it was inspired by Yungblud makes my heart ache a bit. I really love the duality of the different versions of Ashley in the video. That being said, the genre/style of song isn’t my personal favorite. Her vocals are amazing, though, and some of the lyrics are really poetic. I know this will be an especially tender one live, in front of a Halsey crowd. I can just picture everyone swaying and singing along.

13 - “SUGA’s Interlude”

This interlude is such a soft, sad moment on the album, and it fits really well before “More.” SUGA’s Interlude is all about the way fame has changed both artists, and about how they’ll know when it’s time to step away from the spotlight - and how that might change them. SUGA has excellent flow, and Halsey’s delicate, pining vocals on the chorus is a perfect complement to his introspective rapping. It’s a really sweet song, and part of why it works so well on the album is because it creates such a heartfelt prelude to “More”. The song all about leaving fame behind, followed by the song about loving her unborn child, and how she badly wants to be a mother...gives me chills, man, literal chills. I think I’d like it more if I spoke Korean, but honestly, Korean Halsey fans deserve somethin’ special, so I’m okay with it.

12 - “You should be sad”

I still don’t know if I quite “buy” Y’allsey, but I can’t deny that this is a really fun song. Singing along to the lyrics is so satisfying, and the music video provided us with some serious Looks. The guitar riff between the chorus and the verses makes me feel things, and so does the line: “I’m so glad I never ever had a baby with you,” especially after hearing “More”. I like this song a lot, but compared to the rest of the album, it’s not in my top ten. I think it’ll be a really, really fun one live, though.

11 - “Without Me”

This song and I share a birthday! It’s also where Manic really began, although we had no idea that was the case, at the time. This was the first time Halsey wrote from such a specific and personal place, knowing we would all immediately recognize who the song targeted and why. She’s used this song brilliantly since then, coming up with a dozen different interpretations and set pieces, performing it while chained to a post, while revealing the messages of her cheating ex, while dancing with a beautiful girl, and even more. (It helps a lot that she performed this song with Jade Chynoweth, one of my all-time favorite dancers, and responded to the backlash of that performance by doing it again, but even gayer, just a few weeks later.) We owe a lot to this song. And, as it turns out, it really fits in with the story of Manic, and with the tone, from both a sonic and thematic perspective. I’m still a little tired of it, though, which is why it ranks so low. But - credit where it’s due!

10 - “Dominic’s Interlude”

This one surprised me, although I went in with zero expectations, not knowing who Dominic Fike was. I wish Halsey was actually in this song, but other than that, I think it’s a great interlude. Not to mention: “If you’re looking for signs then you should know, there’s power in the words that you’re thinking.” That’s an incredible line, hit me hard.

9 - “Ashley”

I both love and hate what this song means, because it scares the crap out of me. The way she described it as “a cautious goodbye” in an interview... It’s absolutely a letter to her fans, about Halsey, about who Halsey is, and who Ashley is, and how that balancing act both breaks her and makes her thrive. She can’t keep doing this forever. She knows how much she means to us, and this song is all about how heavy and scary that burden is, but that she’s committed to it, for now. Ending with that line from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was perfect. We’re the ones who shouldn’t assign her our peace of mind, y’know? Her vocals are stunning, though, and I think it’s the strongest opener from any of her albums. This song reminds me of a much less depressing version of “Batter Up” by Brand New, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it influenced her a bit.

8 - “Graveyard”

This song really feels like the older sister of “Without Me”. I love the racing speed of the melody and the rhythm, the way everything is layered so manically and frantically over the verses. It’s actually really easy to get lost in the musicality of this one, even though the lyrics are incredible. I think the music video is my all-time favorite of Halsey’s, because I love all the symbolism in it, and it was really trippy to see her without tattoos. I’ll consider this one a bop for a long, long time.

7 - “clementine”

We’ve had this song for a little while, and it’s been one of my favorites. I was pretty sure it was going to stay that way, even after the album came out, but Halsey surprised me. That being said, I still love the way this song manages to be both playful and petulant, spirited and sad. It has some really beautiful images, and the music video is so pretty.

6 - “I HATE EVERYBODY”

We love a song full of contradictions! This song takes the humor/self-deprecation that started in “Clementine” and “Forever... (is a long time)” and turns it anthemic. The transition from “Dominic’s Interlude” to this song is so perfect, it’s hard not to listen to them one after the other. Halsey once again proves her lyrical prowess and ability to write a relatable bop, which is really what we love her for in the end, right? I love the way the song starts out pretty simply, than swells up into something epic.

5 - “3am”

I love this genre, so much, and I think Halsey completely nails it. This song wouldn’t make anyone bat an eye if you played it in 2007. Most other Halsey songs can’t claim that, and since I’m a sucker for the aughties, this one lives high on my list. It reminds me of P!nk, Avril Lavigne, and Paramore. The lyrics are super relatable, and I love the chorus and the bridge. It’s not the best lyrically, but that bridge honestly makes up for what the rest of the song lacks. Can’t wait to scream that one live! I do wish John Mayer wasn’t rambling on the end, but I also love how that leads into “Without Me”.

4 - “929″

This might sound strange, but I love how this song starts with just Ashley talking; she’s speaking through laughter, challenging her friend playfully. This song feels so real. I love the stream-of-consciousness style of lyrics and the way the melody plays into that. Her voice reminds me so much of early, early Halsey - songs like “Tilt You Back” and “For Ruby”. I can relate so much to some of the things she says, and I love the way it ends. It’s such an interesting contrast to the way her previous albums concluded, too - “Young God” and “Hopeless” are both such epic, sweeping tracks. Ending her most personal album yet with such a tender ode to self-acceptance, and self-discovery, is such a beautiful way to show how much she’s grown, as a person, a songwriter, and a singer. This song makes me nostalgic, proud, happy, just a little sad, and feel so at peace.

3 - “More”

I almost don’t really have words for this song. Knowing Halsey’s story, her very honest and public experiences with infertility and endometriosis, made this song hit me a lot harder than I ever expected. I still can’t quite get through it without crying. It’s an incredibly beautiful song. Painfully, painfully honest, about a topic that’s so rarely openly discussed in pop culture. I don’t even want kids, but the yearning she shows, the hope she still has, the way she says that she’s loved her future child more than anything, and has always loved them; the reference to having already bought baby clothes; the sound of the sonogram machine, and the way it sounds like she’s singing to her baby from outside the womb at the end; it guts me. And again, I don’t want kids. I never expected this kind of honesty or tenderness from her. It’s such a special song, truly. (For the record, I listened to it again to write this and am fully weeping once more.)

2 - “Forever... (is a long time)”

What a surprise this song was! I think it perfectly captures a certain kind of self-destructive behavior that so many of us end up falling into when it comes to relationships. The way the song goes from happy and plucky to this burgeoning feeling of dread, of spiraling down into those dark thoughts that trip all of us up from time to time. It goes from a love song to a break-up song in a matter of seconds, and the transition is spine-tinglingly perfect. The storm building in the background, starting with thunder and dissipating into rain. The way her voice comes back in with the same melody, but minor instead of major. The way the song sort of disintegrates into chaos, and into the realization: “talk to your man...tell him he’s got bad news comin’.” (This is definitely about the Yungblud breakup, right? Nevermind, my heart can’t take that. Gonna pretend I didn’t just realize that.)

1 - “killing boys”

Jennifer’s Body is one of my absolute favorite movies, unironically. I love that Halsey loves it too, enough to include lines from it in the most badass boss bitch song she’s written since “Nightmare”. Her vocals are incredible (those high notes!) - the lyrics are the perfect blend of regretful and rageful - the beat, melodies, and overall composition just fills me up with this impossibly strong sense of “fuck yeah, fuck you.” I don’t have the words to describe how this song makes me feel. I had high hopes, based on the title, and it did not disappoint. This song has some of the cleverest lines on the entire record, and it makes me feel a way that no other song does. That’s what seals it at #1, for me (for now.)

Feel free to reply with yours, or tag me in your own review!! I’m really excited to see some of the more detailed opinions people have, now that the initial “IT’S HERE” hype has started to subside.

stream MANIC by HALSEY today

#manic #manic review #manic era #halsey #ashley frangipane #stephspeaks #ok to reblog #changed some formatting

235 notes · View notes

blouisparadise · 4 years

Photo

Here is a list of amazing bottom Louis fics that were posted or completed during the month of January. Between the second month of the Bottom Louis Fic Fest and all the other fics that authors posted throughout the month, it’s clear that this was a great way to start off the year of bottom Louis fics! Happy reading!

1) You Can Be The Boss Daddy | Explicit | 1641 words

This is just Louis being used and humiliated by his strong Daddy

2) Don't Pretend That I Don't Entice You | Explicit | 2086 words

“Speaking of which, he couldn't wait to get home to see him. They both worked long days and most of the time their days off didn't line up. But they made up for things like that when they could, spending hours cuddling in bed and talking about the randomest of things or ya know, having mind-blowing sex that left them sated and panting, heated limbs tangled together and breaths and scents mingling. Harry enjoyed those moments quite a bit, if he was going to be at all honest.”

3) The Sound Of Music | Explicit | 2602 words

Harry quietly makes his way down the stairs and into the large foyer, the marble floors are cold against his bare feet and he regrets not taking his slippers.

The tinkling of piano keys flirts its way to his ears and he turns his head in the direction of their living room. His mouth quirks sideways with a smile and he makes his way towards the music.

4) Letters From Boston | Explicit | 3316 words

Louis’s standing in the kitchen when he opens the first letter.

5) Starlight In Your Eyes Of Blue | Mature | 4434 words

Harry is in New York while Louis is back home at London waiting for Harry’s return. Unfortunately, Harry may be unable to come back home in time for Christmas and most importantly—Louis’ birthday. Louis can’t wait any longer to be in a bed that’s no longer empty but in the end it changes.

6) I Couldn’t Get Away From You | Mature | 5185 words

Suddenly in the heat of the moment, Harry’s eyes turned darker as he pushed Louis’ back more and more towards the wall. “Fine.” He plants his lips on Louis’ and begins to roughly kiss him, soon enough turning it into a make-out session.

“Fuck you, Styles,” Louis moans and grips onto Harry’s shoulders, hands trailing up to the taller’s hair and gripping that as well.

“We’ll see about that.”

7) My Kingdom for Your Graces | Explicit | 5257 words

Louis gets a last minute day off and Harry decides to surprise him with a visit. They proceed to do what lovers do.

8) I Think I'm In Love | Mature | 6019 words

Louis' a young man looking for love. Harry's a sugar daddy looking for a new sub. They meet through a dating app and decide to try out a relationship.

9) Daddy's Little Kitty | Mature | 7224 words

Harry Styles is a gentle master. But what happens when Louis pushes him to his limits?

10) There's More Than One Place To Call Home | Explicit | 8416 words

Harry never asked for much from his neighbors - he didn't care about barking animals during the day or loud talking during the night.

The only thing he needed was silence when he was writing. And that was the only thing his new neighbor wouldn't give him.

Deciding to confront the loud guy who lived next door, Harry found himself ringing his doorbell one night. And that decision just may be the best thing that's ever happened to Harry.

11) Cooking With Styles | Explicit | 9119 words

Anyone can cook— or so they say.

12) Watching The World Fall | Explicit | 11777 words

This segment has been going on long enough that Louis knows what’s coming before James starts in on it, trying to sell him on something he knows that Louis wouldn’t normally be buying. But there’s four cameras surrounding him, and an audience watching him expectantly, so if Louis wants to continue convincing people that he’s doing just fine, he’s going to have to go along with it.

“We have a whole host of single men backstage waiting to meet you, Louis,” James tells him. “We want to help you find love tonight, on Late Late Live Tinder. Is this okay? Do you want to play?”

It actually kind of makes sense that his first date after the break-up is going to be just as public as said break-up. Something like coming full circle.

“Alright, James,” Louis agrees, hopping down off his stool.

“Okay, come down to the stage,” James says. Louis can’t even tell whether the excitement in his voice is genuine or not. “Right now, come on down!”

13) We'll Be the Fine Line | Not Rated | 13443 words

Louis listens to Fine Line, and, drunk, he leaves a voicemail for Harry after months of not speaking. This reminds Harry of a time before everything fell apart, slowly, painfully, a time when the two of them were still in love. And he desperately wants to go back.

14) (You're Gonna See Me In A) New Light | Mature | 13631 words

A fake relationship au where everyone knows it's real but Louis.

15) Don't Know If I Could Ever Go Without | Explicit | 14140 words

“We’ve come up with a solid solution. You’re not going to like it.”

“What is it?” Louis narrows his eyes suspiciously, glancing at a visibly enthusiastic Liam.

“What if you pretended to be an Alpha?” Zayn suggests.

16) Something Wicked This Way Comes | Explicit | 16526 words

A regency murder mystery au where Louis is married to an earl and Harry is a detective. Hatchets are buried but not everyone is as they seem.

17) Keep It Sweet In Your Memory | Explicit | 17039 words

'How'd it go?' Harry pushes them into Niall's room and shuts the door behind him, so Georgia doesn't overhear.

'It was good. We just caught up, mostly... I may have done something a little stupid, though.'

And Niall's eyebrows are in his hairline at that.

'I mean. Okay, so I invited Louis out on Saturday.'

'Saturday? Your--'

'Yes, my bachelor party...' and then Harry has to explain himself, 'I just felt guilty. I think. He was like. Telling me he wanted to hook up.'

'He WHAT!?'

'No. I mean, not with me. Like. He wants to go out and meet people.'

'He'll hate that. He's too much of a romantic.'

'Yeah, well. Whatever his name was messed him up a little, it would seem.'

18) UN(RE)SOLVED | Explicit | 20873 words

The ghoul boys are back, but this time around there are some unresolved feelings involved. Harry is a skeptic, Louis is not. Watch them go on their ongoing investigation into the question: are ghosts real?

Or, BuzzFeed Unsolved AU.

19) The Way The Storms Blow | Explicit | 21649 words

Louis doesn’t have a habit of thinking about Harry’s dick.

That would be weird, seeing as they’re best mates, and they share a flat, and they’ve spent holidays at each other’s family homes. Their friendship hasn’t ever risen to a point where Louis should want to see his mate’s dick, and he’s happy to keep it that way.

Except, all that Louis can think about is exactly that. The size of it. The shape. The amount of people it’s been in.

Maybe it’s the tequila talking, or the fact that Louis’ just recently walked in to an eyeful of Harry taking turns on some slags that he’s never seen before, but. Louis’ mind can’t stop obsessing over the idea.

20) Hold Onto This Heaven (Of Yours) | Explicit | 25213 words

an ode to being too young, too sad, and too in love.

(aka: a college au, harry is a frat boy, and louis wants to know all of his secrets.)

21) Weightless | Explicit | 25330 words

He hopes that Harry still thinks of him. God knows Louis thinks of him every day.

Or: Harry is the best dragon racer the world has ever seen and Louis is an almost-vet who feels like he is carrying the weight of the world.

22) Creep | Explicit | 26092 words

Harry is a wallflower, louis is a sophomore brat with a heart of gold no one seems to notice, harry, a senior, is a musician in disguise. louis finds him in the music room, Harry performing his self written song Creep on a talent show. he steals Louis' heart and begins to stalk Harry on social media, finding out the boy is gorgeous inside and out, tattoos popping against his milky skin, unashamed of his amazing body.

a story of a boy with dark thoughts finding his way through the dark with his light guiding him.

23) Blue Lotus | Explicit | 29815 words

Note: This fic is Louis/OMC.

After the Second Rebellion and the dismantling of President Cowell’s regime, Louis struggles to make sense of life.

A post-Hunger Games AU.

24) You Contain In Your Eyes The Sunset And The Dawn | Mature | 38152

Harry Styles was to spend six months at AT&T Inc. of all telecommunications companies in the world, also known as the largest one in its field. This was the biggest deal of his life; it will both improve his expertise in the domain and maybe secure the job of his dreams. There was only one problem standing in the way, and it came in the form of a stunning, irresistible and intimidating cat hybrid of the name Louis Tomlinson. In other words, his boss.words

25) We Can Go On Forever (When Everything’s Gone Forever) | Mature | 39421

Harry spent most of his adult life focused on either his studies or his books - 5 of which he has already had published before he was 30. Immediately after completing his dissertation, he was offered a lectureship at Cambridge University where he’s been for 2 years now.

This wasn’t the first time in his life that he had felt the incessant itch to know more about a subject by any means. However, this was the first time the subject had been an Omega.

26) Canyon Moon | Explicit | 40895 words

For as long as Louis has remembered, he has been promised to be mated to Harry, his best friend and the future pack alpha. But Louis’s heart belonged to the forest and to the hunt more than he could ever imagine it belonging to Harry.

Then Harry’s father dies in a violent accident, and Louis’s future alpha disappears on the wind.

An A/B/O Lion King AU

27) Strangers In Love | Explicit | 42207 words

Louis wakes up to find himself in a marriage with the last man he thought he'd ever end up with.

28) If You're Out There (I'll Find You Somehow) | Explicit | 55916 words

Harry looks so intensely into Louis’ eyes it’s as though he’s reaching in and touching his very soul. “I never thought… I never… I’ve been searching for so long, Louis, but I never gave up. I couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop trying,” Harry says, bottom lip trembling as he strokes the backs of Louis’ knuckles. “I just knew that if you were out there, I’d find you somehow.”

OR the story of how one man’s love changed the world.

29) “If I Cut Out a Heart...” | Explicit | 66225 words

Stripper au! louis is a stripper who’s known for his huge ass. he works at a club owned by harry and everyone wants to fuck him. eventually louis has sex with each of the boys, separately and perhaps eventually all together in a big gang bang. lots of focus on louis’s big bum (even twerking, jiggling, etc.)

30) You Smell Like | Explicit | 185369 words

The one where Louis is the Alpha’s mate and everyone is aware of it except for Louis and Harry. Go figure!

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

You can find other monthly roundup fic rec lists here.

#bottom louis #top harry #blp fic recs #monthly fic recs #fic recs #larry

171 notes · View notes

blancheludis · 3 years

Link

@whumptober2020 Day 11 “Crying”

Characters: Tony Stark, James “Rhodey” Rhodes, Tiberius Stone Tags: Asexuality, Friendship, Kissing, Tony Needs A Hug, Protective Rhodey Words: 4.121

Summary: What a coward he is. Maybe Howard is right and there is something inherently defective about him. It was only kissing and - Tony shudders and raises the toothbrush back to his teeth, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. “I didn’t say no,” he says when Rhodey asks him what happened. “That doesn’t mean yes.”

- Tony and Rhodey have a conversation about asexuality and the importance of consent.

---

Pink stains the sink when Tony spits out. His gums are burning from brushing too hard, and yet he cannot put down the toothbrush. There is this taste he cannot get out of his mouth, which is only enhanced by the faint trace of copper. One more time, he thinks, just to be safe.

His teeth must be cleaner than ever before by now. Then again, Ty has been very thorough in plundering his mouth, sticking his tongue where it should not go. All the brushing in the world cannot seem to get rid of the phantom feeling of Ty’s lips against his own.

But it is his own damn fault. He could have said no, could have made up some excuse why he needs to leave. And yet he stayed when Ty started kissing him. He does not like disappointing Ty, since his tongue can be almost as sharp as Howard’s if he tries, although he hits in very different places.

It is not that Tony is afraid of Ty hurting him. He could walk away at any time. But they have a good thing going, yes? Ty is smart and understands the world Tony comes from. He would not give up Rhodey for anything in the world, but sometimes it is nice to have someone who knows what it is like to come from a family with more money than sense. To have a name he is supposed to carry on, to live up to.

The door to their dorm room opens and Tony freezes in front of the sink. He watches himself go pale, his knuckles white around the toothbrush. Chances are low that this is Ty, who prefers people chasing after him instead of having to do any of the work himself. Still, the tingling of dread is there. Tony does not think he can get through another kissing session with Ty and keep up his smile.

What a coward he is. Maybe Howard is right and there is something inherently defective about him. It was only kissing and a bit of groping. They have not even gone any farther – not that Ty did not try. But all they touched was skin on skin, lips on lips – and lately tongue on tongue.

Tony shudders and raises the toothbrush back to his teeth, his eyes fixed on the door. When there is a knock, he relaxes. Ty is not the kind of person to let a closed door stop him. If he wants to enter, he does. Knocking only wastes time.

Keeping the toothbrush like a shield in front of him, Tony hums and opens the door, only to reveal Rhodey. That is good, he is safe. Not that he is in any danger from anybody else, really. But Rhodey is his self-proclaimed protector and will scare off anybody Tony does not feel comfortable with.

“Don’t tell me you just got up,” Rhodey says by way of greeting with just a hint of worry in his voice that does strange things to Tony’s heart.

Tony can only guess what Rhodey thinks. That he spent all night partying and drinking too much? That he collapsed in the lab and only now crawled home? That he fell into one of his listless, almost depressive bouts, that sometimes come over him, mostly after a visit home, and spent the morning in bed, moping?

It is nice that Rhodey worries without immediately voicing accusations, without expecting Tony to be guilty before he ever said a word. This is not disapproval or even mocking. Tony never came home last night and he generally has a penchant for keeping unhealthy hours.

The only other person who ever cared whether Tony gets enough sleep is Jarvis, and no matter how much Tony loves him, Jarvis gets paid to care. Nobody is paying Rhodey, although Tony tried, if only to make sure he would stick around. That has been their only big fight so far, and Tony is glad he lost it.

“I’ve been in the lab, but then I had rhubarb for dessert and you know what that stuff does to the teeth,” Tony replies and somehow manages to sound appropriately cheerful. When he smiles, he keeps his lips pressed together as if his shame could be visible on his teeth.

“I know you’re not supposed to brush your teeth immediately after eating rhubarb,” Rhodey says, but looks like he generally agrees with Tony.

Too much at ease already, Tony makes the mistake to grin and immediately sees Rhodey’s eyes zeroing in on his mouth.

“Is that blood?” Rhodey asks with a frown. “When was your last appointment with a dentist?”

He had one task, keep his mouth shut and nod along. He knew his gum was bleeding, knows that one drop of blood against the white of the teeth is impossible to miss for someone who constantly worries about him.

Tony swallows a dismissive reply and settles for a glare. Better not to go down that rabbit hole. He turns back to the sink and spits out, quickly washing away the pink evidence of his frantic brushing.

It is enough for now. He cannot go for another round with Rhodey’s all-seeing eyes on his back. But maybe he does not need to. Rhodey’s presence makes everything better, after all, and he just has to take care not to move his tongue too much, to avoid touching the places Ty did.

“You got somewhere to be right now?” Tony asks and carefully does not look at Rhodey as he picks up a towel to wipe over his face. He has been told that his eyes are too expressive and he odes not want Rhodey to feel obliged to stay if he has other plans, even if Tony is desperate for the company.

“Afternoon classes are over,” Rhodey says slowly, apparently not buying Tony’s nonchalance. “Why?”

Rhodey never asks why when he thinks everything is okay. And why would he? They hang out together all the time and never need a reason. Perhaps Tony looks more spooked than he thought.

“I thought we could go over some of Professor Brixton’s stuff together.” Tony used to be better at making up excuses, but they do often study together. And it is not like he can simply come out and say he needs to be distracted from thinking about having been kissed. Because he does not want to lie to Rhodey, though, he adds, “I need to get my mind off a problem I can’t solve in the lab.”

There, that was almost honest. He does have a problem he does not know how to deal with, and Ty did pick him up in the lab.

“Of course,” Rhodey agrees like there is nothing to it. “Let me get my book.”

Tony has a hard time hiding his relief. It still seems like nothing short of a miracle every time someone seeks his company without hoping for some advantage. And with someone, Tony almost always means Rhodey.

Rhodey turns back into their dorm room and Tony follows after rinsing his mouth one last time. He stops to watch Rhodey take the book out of his bag and sit down on his bed, patting the free space to him when he notices Tony just standing there.

And Tony hates himself for hesitating. They have done this a thousand times, cuddled up together on the bed or the couch to work together or just to talk. There has never been anything else to it. And yet, Tony cannot help but think of Ty’s wandering hands, brushing against Tony completely unexpected, how they ended up sitting closer and closer until Ty’s face had only been a breadth’s width from Tony’s and then not even that.

They had been talking about some lab experiment and Tony had forgotten to be apprehensive about hanging out with the son of one of his father’s business rivals. He is not sure how they turned from talking to kissing, does not know how he encouraged that, considering the thought never crossed his mind.

And now he is afraid of getting on the bed with his best friend. He does not think Rhodey would push him to do something he does not want, but what if it is something he should want? Kissing is supposed to be great, right? All the books and movies talk about it. Tony has seen how happily Ana leaned into Jarvis’ touch. He should not be repulsed by that. Even if he did not think about Ty in that way before, it should have been at least a bit nice. Right?

“Tony?” Rhodey asks, the concern back in his voice. “Everything okay?”

How long has Tony been standing here, staring at the bed as if it personally offended him? Shaking his head, he gets moving and gingerly lowers himself down next to Rhodey.

“Peachy keen,” he says and pushes his lips into a smile – only to have that turning into a grimace as he wonders whether smiling alone was enough of an invitation for Ty. “Still stuck on that lab problem.”

Rhodey keeps watching him for just a moment too long for Tony to think his excuse was believable enough. “Want me to take a look at it?”

“No,” Tony answers too quickly. Rhodey already has to deal with enough of his defects, so he does not need to add to that. In a much softer tone, he adds, “I just need a break from it.”

He holds his breath until Rhodey nods. “Very well, then. Come and let me distract you.”

Sometimes, Rhodey seems to know Tony better than he does himself, so Tony should be safe here, safer than anywhere else. Rhodey would not hurt him, not after being his steadfast protector ever since they met.

Tony sits down more comfortably and tries to sink into the familiar world of math problems and physical laws. It helps to apply his brain to something far more logical than thoughts or emotions. Rhodey helps, with his calm voice and his warm presence.

And yet. They sit too close and Tony is hyper aware of each of their movements. He just waits for Rhodey’s knee to shift or his face to turn just so. Perhaps it would be different with Rhodey. Perhaps it would not feel so wrong. Perhaps the problem is not Tony but Ty.

Tony is so focused on maintaining a safe distance between them that he does not hear a single thing Rhodey is saying anymore, and does not manage to give more than noncommittal hums in answer. Right up until Rhodey stops talking altogether and instead looks at Tony with the beginnings of a frown building on his forehead.

“Are you sure you’re all right?”

This is it. Tony has to make up a convincing lie and – “Do you like kissing?” he blurts out, hating how small the question makes him feel. It comes out desperate too, but hopefully that means Rhodey will not take it as a suggestion.

Instantly, Rhodey’s frown becomes more prominent, although it does not quite feel directed at Tony. “Depends on who I’m kissing,” he answers slowly, the way he does when his thoughts are racing to connect the dots. “Did something happen?”

“Why would you ask that?” Tony laughs but even to his own ears it sounds too nervous to be anything but fake. He shifts farther away from Rhodey, a move that does not go unnoticed.

“Did someone hurt you?” Rhodey looks ready to jump up and rain down the fury of the righteous on whoever dared to harm Tony.

In his head, Tony makes a note to never ever introduce Rhodey to Howard. That could only end in ruin for everybody.

“No,” Tony says and tries to sound calm about it. “Nobody did anything.”

It is obvious that Rhodey does not believe him. “Then why do you look so spooked?” He could as well have asked, Why do you sit so stiffly and so far away from me as if you expect me to devour you any second now?

What lie could Tony possibly make up that would not sound either completely unbelievable or sound much worse than what actually happened?

“Ty kissed me,” Tony confesses and it sounds wrong to even say it. Again, kissing is supposed to be nice and not leave a bad aftertaste in his mouth.

“Against your will?” Rhodey asks and immediately straightens, already angry on Tony’s behalf.

They cannot start an all-out war on campus, especially since nothing happened, so Tony hurries to say, “No.” He does not quite manage to make that convincing.

Tony usually lies so easily. Then again, it is not really a lie when it is just some inexplicable, nonsensical part of him that did not want to be kissed.

To his utter frustration, tears well up in his eyes, undoubtedly a result of that broken part of him that does not quite know how to be human.

“Tony?” Rhodey asks carefully, much gentler now. And he does not move closer, which Tony is eternally grateful for. Even though he might like a hug from someone safe, someone he does not have to wonder with what the price might be for it.

“I didn’t say no,” Tony admits very quietly. It would not be fair to put this on Ty when he is the one having a problem with the most normal thing in the world.

To his surprise, Rhodey does not look convinced but actually even a little upset. “That doesn’t mean yes.”

Shrugging, Tony draws his knees up to his chest, wishing he had not started this conversation after all. He is sure Rhodey would not blame him, but he is often overly cautious with Tony, which means he is not always right.

“I mean, we didn’t really talk about it.”

These things are often just implied, right? People on TV do not ask every time before they kiss. On the contrary, the first time is usually that magic thing where they finally give in to whatever has been pulling them together. It is Tony’s fault that he did not feel that – and that he did not pull away when Ty stated kissing him. It does not matter that his mind went blank and he basically froze in place. He is responsible for his own actions, or inactions as it is.

“You do get how that’s worse, yes?” Rhodey asks, shifting so he faces Tony fully. The textbook lies forgotten between them and Tony wishes he could have concentrated a bit better on it. “If he forced himself on you, I swear I’ll –”

“He didn’t, I promise,” Tony interrupts hurriedly. The last thing he wants is for Rhodey to get into trouble for him, especially not with someone like Ty, who could make life very uncomfortable for the both of them. Especially since Howard would not lift a single finger to help them out. “I mean, he didn’t ask, but he wasn’t mean about it. I just – What if there’s something wrong with me?”

As soon as the words are over his lips, Tony wishes he could take them back. There are things wrong with him. Howard has been telling him so for years, and it is unfair to burden Rhodey with soothing his mind with lies. The list of Tony’s faults is ever-growing. They would never get up from this bed again if he wanted reassurance for every single point on it.

“Oh, Tones,” Rhodey sighs and the sheer gentleness of it breaks Tony’s heart. “Nothing’s wrong with you just because you weren’t into kissing someone else. I definitely wouldn’t want to kiss Stone either.”

Disgust flickers briefly over Rhodey’s face which has a smile tugging at Tony’s lips. That thought really is ridiculous. Rhodey has far more class than that, than to settle for some smarmy rich boy like Ty.

The amusement dies again quickly, though, because this is not quite what Tony was aiming at. “What if I don’t want to kiss anybody? Like ever?”

It sounds monstrous. How could he not want what everybody else does? What is wrong with him?

Rhodey’s face does not change, his confidence does not waver. “Then there’s still nothing wrong with you.”

Even if it is a lie, Tony is grateful for it, grateful that he has a friend like that, who will catch him when he is falling. He still needs an answer though, and he will not get that if Rhodey keeps pampering him.

“But everybody wants to kiss other people. And more.” There mere thought of that has Tony grimacing. Ty’s wandering hands were barely bearable when they were still clothed. “But it was just – weird.”

Weird fits it pretty well, those first moments of lips moving on lips. Right up until the disgust crept in. But by then it was already too late. It is not like Tony could have pushed Ty away several minutes in and said, Sorry, changed my mind.

“Not everybody likes kissing,” Rhodey says without the slightest bit of hesitation. No matter whether it is a lie, Tony loves him for it. Loves him for trying. “You don’t, apparently. Maybe that was because of Stone, but maybe it doesn’t matter who’s on the other side. And that’s okay. You don’t need to kiss anybody to live a good life. And you definitely don’t have to kiss anybody to show them you like or even love them.”

The tears are back, burning at the back of Tony’s eyes. No matter how quickly he blinks, they just swell and soon there are cold tracks down his cheeks. Tony looks away, awkwardly aware of how embarrassing this is. To cry because his best friend said something nice to him. Because Rhodey always wants to convince him so badly that there is nothing wrong with him, no matter all the evidence to the contrary.

A hand appears in his line of vision holding a tissue – and Tony does the typical Stark thing and takes more than is offered. He snatches up the tissue but holds onto Rhodey’s hand with his own, eager for that contact even if he does not know how to ask for it. Rhodey does not comment on it but simply shifts a little so they can sit more comfortably.

“What if –” Tony sniffles, then tries again. “What if you loved someone and they loved you back but then they wouldn’t want to kiss you?”

“Then that would be perfectly fine.”

That has to be a lie. Or if it is not, then Rhodey must be the only person in the whole wide world who thinks so. Well, he already is the only one willing to suffer Tony’s presence without some sort of recompense. He is just too good, too pure. And Tony keeps piling up problems for him to sort through.

“But –” he tries to argue but is cut off when Rhodey squeezes his hand.

“You can come up with a thousand arguments, Tones, but the answer will stay the same,” Rhodey says, serious enough that even Tony’s mind cannot claim he does not mean every word he says. “You don’t owe anybody any part of you. If you don’t want to kiss, then that’s the end of the discussion.”

It will not be that easy, Tony knows that even without seeing the worried twist to Rhodey’s lips. People always want something from him. It never goes over well when he says no.

Before he can voice that, Rhodey continues. “And if someone doesn’t listen, you get out of there and tell me. Some people don’t like being told no, but that’s not on you.”

They have had this discussion about other things. About Tony throwing around money just so people would stop bothering him. About him doing all the work for group assignments. About him doing dares or outdrinking everybody else or working twice as hard as others, just to prove that he has a right to be here. All of that had to do with him being a Stark, however, and how that ruined him in a lot of ways. This, however, is just Tony. He cannot blame this on his father.

Very quietly, Tony admits, “It feels like his mouth is still there.” He reaches up as if to touch his lips but leaves his fingers hovering in the air, afraid to recreate the feeling of something moving against him. “It’s – gross.”

Rhodey nods like there is nothing strange about that. “How about we get some cheeseburgers and ice cream to get rid of the taste?”

Another wave of tears flows unbidden over Tony’s cheeks, and he hides his face in the tissue as he nods. Where does Rhodey take his kindness from? It is nothing short of a miracle that Tony managed to find the only anomaly in a see of demanding faces here, the only one who seems to value Tony as a real person.

After a long moment in which neither of them moves, Rhodey adds, “Do you want a hug first?”

Relief floods through Tony. He feared that this would be off the table now. They have been rather open with touching each other before. Or, Tony has and Rhodey just went with it. He always expects Rhodey to withdraw when he presents another broken part of him. And yet he never does.

“You don’t need to ask,” Tony says and moves in, ready to bury himself against Rhodey’s chest and forget all about the world around them.

Rhodey stops him, though, and it is as if all of Tony’s fears come true. “Of course, I do,” he says, still so very gentle. “Everybody should.”

So it is not a rejection but simply Rhodey wanting to underline his point.

“But you’re –” safe, Tony wants to say but swallows it down. He has made himself too vulnerable already.

In response, Rhodey’s face softens into something almost unbearably kind. When he opens his arms, Tony does not hesitate to sink into the offered embrace.

He still cannot quite believe what Rhodey said is true, no matter how much he wants to. The world they live in seldom is so kind. If he had asked anybody else, he is sure he would have gotten a vastly different answer. Something must be wrong with him. But it is nice, at least, that Rhodey does not seem to think so.

Then again, Rhodey sees life differently in so many ways. He cannot be wrong about all of these things. He cannot be right about them, either, because that would mean that Howard and Obie would be wrong and that is not a direction Tony can allow his thoughts to go. Not if he wants to hold on to his sanity and what little sense of self-worth he has left.

“Can we just stay here?” Tony asks quietly. Everything is better here where he does not have to see the world and is held by someone he trusts completely.

“Of course,” Rhodey agrees without the slightest bit of hesitation. He does not make a move to let go of Tony either.

Rhodey really is the best friend anybody could ask for. That he is here, holding Tony like there is nothing to it really makes Tony feel less defective, more than his words did.

Maybe Tony will even have the courage to tell Ty no the next time they see each other, to not let things happen to him because that is easier than starting an argument. Even though it was not that bad, after all. Right?

When Tony swallows, he still tastes the faintest bit of blood from brushing his gums raw. It is that bad, he decides. Worse than going home for Christmas and facing his father’s eternal disappointment.

“Will you stay nearby when I have to see Ty next time?” Tony asks, pretending that he does not feel like a coward for it.

“Of course,” Rhodey says again. “I’ll also make his body disappear if that becomes necessary.”

The seriousness with which Rhodey says that has Tony feeling giddy. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.” Rhodey tightens their embrace for a moment, which says so much more than words ever could. “Now, how about we let those cheeseburgers be delivered? That way we don’t have to get up.”

Perfect, Tony thinks as he nods. If he could, he would never let Rhodey leave his side again. He feels like a much better person with him close.

All it takes, really, is a friend, a best friend, and the entire grim world looks so much brighter. And lying here in Rhodey’s arms, Tony feels like the luckiest person alive.

#whumptober2020 #no. 11 #crying #marvel #fanfiction #tony stark #rhodey #asexuality #asexuality week #emotional whump #my writing #ao3

9 notes · View notes

black-wolf066 · 4 years

Text

An Au where Five dies young in the apocalypse.

(((I originally wanted this to be something more happy-ish, despite the Au idea, but my Muse demanded angst; so angst it shall have. Warnings for the general Klaus-ness of... well Klaus (he's my favorite of them all so I’m not hating on him, but we all know the warnings that come tagged with his name by now) as well as mild language and again angst.

This story is posted over on my Ao3 account under the same pen name (blackwolf066) I would link but due to people posting phishing links, I'm weary to do so. The story is called [Not an End of All, Only an End of Something])))

Klaus is not quite twenty-four, just a little over a year before the inevitable publishing of Vanya's book, when Five pops up out of the blue. And at the worst possible moment too as Klaus OD's on the ground of some seedy alleyway.

When he wakes up in the back of an ambulance, he thinks it was all just one big twisted hallucination. But then he looks over the EMT's shoulder and sees a glaring, near murderous Ben, which is not an uncommon sight at all considering where he landed himself (again). No, it's the pale figure standing beside Ben, a very rattled and pale ghost with the face of little number Five and--

"Well, shit."

Is all he can really articulate.

Ben just glares harder.

After coming to grips with it (he will never come to grips with it) and after hearing Five's sad tale; he seeks out the rest of their living siblings.

Really, he shouldn't have even bothered.

Much like how no one believed Klaus about Ben in the beginning, they sure as hell don't believe him about Five, or the bullshit he spits about the apocalypse being real (courtesy of Five telling him and Ben what all had happened after he disappeared). Klaus truly believes his brother's story, the proof of it clear enough on his ghostly corpse. The layer of soot that was too ashy and grey to really be grime. The slight wheeze to Five's words even though the boy was dead and no longer needed air. The hollowness of his cheeks and the clothes that hung too big on his too small, bony frame.

It’s a scary thought, to know that all of humanity rests on Klaus' shoulders; and all because none of his siblings could be bothered to give Klaus the time of day.

"We're all doomed." Five puts eloquently.

Klaus hisses at him, but he knows Five is right. He's the last person anyone should put their faith in and yet Five didn't have much of a choice.

Klaus didn't need the reminder.

Nor did he sign up for this shit.

(None of them did, not Ben and surely not poor little number Five, who Klaus still has a hard time keeping long bouts of eye contact with; the image of his too small brother and the clear suffering he had gone through, far worse than when Ben had appeared all bloody and shadowed in the corner of his room at Seventeen).

Meanwhile the Commission are left scratching their heads and wondering what in the hell happened. What killed Five in the first place? Was it the starvation that did him in; or the ashy air that caused his lungs to stop filling altogether? Or was it the expired Twinkie that was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

(They don't dwell on it for long. What will be will be and all that jazz)

With two nagging brothers instead of one, Klaus has a harder time chasing and keeping his continued highs. Though he doesn't want this responsibility, would rather sit back and watch the world burn during his lower moments of weakness; Klaus finds, much like Five, that he doesn't have much of a choice either.

(The disappointment on anyone's face had always been a natural state in regards to Klaus. He was the family fuck up after all, the useless number out of the lot of them; and that included Vanya. He was used to it by now, but to see that disappointment on his kid brother, hurt more than he'd ever like to admit aloud).

So he gets clean, or clean enough, no longer allowed to go for the harder stuff (the topic of Sobriety is a fight Ben and Five realize they will never win). Klaus needs something if he's to do this with his sanity still intact, the ghosts are just too damn loud, too unpredictable and too uncontrollable (not like he could ever control them in the first place) to really go full on cold turkey.

At least it's a start in the right direction, so Ben and Five will take whatever they can get at this point.

With no leads other than a glass eyeball no longer in Five's possession, there isn't much Klaus can really do but wait for nightfall and break into the Meritech facility; a company he had never even heard of (until that day) that apparently the eyeball originated from ("Obviously it came from there, Klaus, pay attention!"). With Ben and Five acting as his lookout and scout respectively (to warn of any security wandering the building as well as to point out all the cameras to duck around and avoid), it doesn't take Klaus long to find the file room, but none of the files on hand have the serial number Five rattles off and they're back to square one.

Between the span of the next six years, the harbinger of death will lose an eye and none of them know when exactly that will happen or who said harbinger will be.

And life continues on.

Klaus manages to get a job despite his record, and even a small apartment to live in. It's a shitty little studio in an even shittier part of town. It's all he can really afford, but it's the home he made for himself and his brothers and he couldn't ask for much more.

Vanya publishes her book, and though Klaus silently cheers on her ballsyness (even--deep down--understands why she did in it the first place) he would have liked it better had she not callously attacked him like she did everyone else. He debates on using the damn thing for kindling in the fireplace, but somehow can't bring himself to do it; not when it's the only picture he has of his sister despite the betrayal he feels burning in his chest.

It sits collecting dust on the bookshelf instead.

Then one day Vanya randomly appears in their ghostly midst and Klaus is honest to god ready to throw hands.

"You know this is not what I ever had in mind about getting the four-corner squad back together again." Klaus mumbles.

"There never was a 'four-corner' squad," Five grunts, "You always just invited yourself along anyway."

Fair, Klaus thinks, and smirks faintly at the twin smacks that resound in the apartment from Ben and Vanya hitting Five's arms. The little gremlin’s hissing as he threatens and dares them to do something like that ever again, do nothing to lighten the fact that Vanya is still very much dead and standing in the middle of his apartment.

"It would explain why I never found Ben or Vanya among the rest of your bodies." Five states sometime after Vanya is filled in on the whole stopping the world from ending shin ding.

Klaus doesn't ever meet her eyes the entire time they talk; skirting around the guilt laden looks she keeps shooting in his direction upon learning he was speaking the truth this whole damn time.

(Meanwhile the commission is scrambling to right this wrong, and they almost go back to save their bomb from getting hit by that car, until they realize the apocalypse is still happening)

Which is fitting, really, that where Vanya ends the world the first time, it's Klaus that ends it the second time (the commission just don't know it quite yet).

And god doesn't that just suck to know he was the cause of his brother's suffering, even if the whole damn thing was nothing more than an accident.

Reginald still kicked the bucket (ding dong the abusive bastard’s dead). Harold still somehow managed to get his hands on the damn journal and was still hellbent on getting his vengeance against the umbrella academy; even without Vanya by his side.

With his living siblings distracted in their fight against Harold and the commission (still believing that Harold is the fuse somehow in all this chaos), Klaus is still kidnapped, tortured and forced to go cold turkey (but this time it's because he knows too much, Hazel and Cha Cha being sent out to find out how Klaus even knew about the apocalypse in the first place). He still gets saved in the end, still ends up back in time alone, fighting in a war because he was too scared to use the briefcase again and end up somewhere far worse. He still gains and then loses the love of his life (his Dave, his everything). Still dies, talks to dear old daddy and comes back--to the land of the living where his dead siblings all hover worriedly around him.

And all of this spirals with Klaus being absolutely and utterly done with everyone's shit: with the added scary bonus of secondary powers he didn't realize he even had (nor can control) due to said cold turkey experience.

In the end Harold really was the fuse, and the world is ended because his ghostly siblings couldn't penetrate the fog of Klaus' panic attack to calm him down (a panic attack induced by a mix of PTSD, the complete lack of faith his living siblings still have in him, and the resulting battle that ensues as Harold strikes the mansion).

His already uncontrollable telekinesis goes ballistic when the mansion explodes from C-4 Harold had planted around the block. He doesn't see the fighting that results from it, he doesn't see Luther rip Harold's eye out either (an eye he gained from pissing off the wrong people at the wrong time in his incarceration). All he hears is the fighting, the loud explosions, and the crumbling of the building around him. All he can smell is the smoke. All he can feel is the heat of the flames as they begin to lick teasingly at his skin and before he knows it, he finds himself back in that god forsaken jungle.

And so, ends all of ‘something’.

it's not a moon chunk to end everything in a fiery blaze of death, but an earthquake as Klaus' power unintentionally shifts the tectonic plates enough to set off every volcano in the world (dormant or otherwise).

Oh well.

C'est la vie

What will be, will be.

33 notes · View notes

femreader · 5 years

Text

Not everything - Wanda Maximoff

Summary: The last thing Wanda thought before dusting away was how the love of her life was ripped away from her, right in front of her. The truth just couldn’t be more wrong.

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x fem!reader

Trigger Warning: Death, cursing, angst, fluff at the end

Part two

Wanda had never really thought about death before her family was ripped away from her. After Pietro’s death, dying had been something that was almost normal to the witch, sadly. She didn’t fear it nor did she really care about it. Every mission she went to she went with a mindset of “I’ll probably die or not, let’s see”. She didn’t think less of herself, she knew the abilities she had. But she did think less of death. She didn’t fear it in any shape or form.

Then you came into the plans and Wanda was whipped immediately. The way you carried yourself, how you looked after everyone and kept everything together even in the toughest situations. She was so in love with you and your persona after knowing you for just a few weeks.

And you made her better in her opinion. You gave her a reason to actually live through the missions. Something to come home to. But it also made her fear again, not her own death but yours. It haunted her in her dreams, that someday you’d be ripped away from her like everyone else were. She dreaded it, even though you assured her it would be okay. That you’d always come back to her. And you did, even if there were some close calls, you always came back to her.

Then the battle at Wakanda happened.

You were fighting alongside Steve and Thor, using your trusted sword as your weapon. The grip you had on the familiar weapon that had served you for so many years was so tight your knuckles were white. One alien, another. You weren’t sure how long it had been like that. You just kept killing every alien that came across you, time to time helping someone else.. Your body was running on pure adrenaline, your muscles didn’t ache, your body didn’t tire. It was like you were in flow.

Slowly but surely you found yourself with the Avengers by the edge of the forest. The creeps ran down your back but you pushed the thought away. Slicing another alien you gave a cocky smirk to your girlfriend who just shook her head. It was amazing how gorgeous she still looked, even though her face was smeared with alien blood. You tore your gaze away and thrust your weapon into another alien.

Thanos came through the portal. You were one of the last men standing. Steve was down, Bruce was quite literally stuck in stone and Thor was only god knows where. You heard thunder somewhere in the distance. You did your best to stop the mad titan from getting the last stone, Vision. The grunts and cries that left your mouth hurt Wanda so deeply she would’ve rather fought Thanos himself.

“Wan- Ugh, Wanda,” Your shouts were strained and she turned to look at you. The tears were blinding her eyes, your salty waterfalls were already streaming down your cheeks. You looked at Vision knowingly, he knew it too. He nodded. You took another hit before slicing the mad titan to his arm, it barely made him wince.

Whatever it takes.

“Destroy it!”

She shook her head, tears running down her face. Vision was the closest thing she had after you. He was her friend, closest friend she had ever had beside her brother. And you hated that she had to do this, but she was more powerful than you. She was the only one ho could od this. Wanda felt like she was killing you by killing him. You screamed her to do it again and again until your throat was raw.

Thanos hit you square in the head basically and lifted your weak body from the ground by your neck.

“You’re weak, small... a pathetic little human,” his voice gnarled as he looked down at you. Your face started to go red, but it did not falter.

“I... am... not... giving up,” You looked at him with determination, your hands on his gigantic wrist and felt the sharp blade enter your stomach. He dropped you on the ground and the last thing you’d ever hear was the pained cries of your girlfriend, who was holding back the mad Titan, destroying the stone and watching the life slowly bleed out of you.

***

Wanda didn’t fear death, not if you were gone too. It was done, they had lost. Thanos snapped the gauntlet and a weird feeling filled the witch. She held your limp body on her lap, watching as the normally rosy cheeks were paling. Her gaze moved to the sky and she felt her feeling numbing. It wasn’t worth to fight anymore if you were gone now too. As life slowly moved away from her body, she could almost hear your laugh in the distance. Your voice filled her head, memories flashing by her eyes.

I’ll be with you soon...

But she wouldn’t.

The opposite actually.

The surgery was difficult, especially since half of the medication staff had disappeared in Wakanda. Really it was a miracle you even survived. Twice your heart flat lined but they got it back working. Natasha had been there the whole time, following as you were unconsciously fighting for your life, holding back tears every time the heart monitor made a flat sound.

Then they moved you to the HQ. Steve, Thor, Natasha, Rocket, Carol the whole team went to find Thanos and rewind the whole mess. It didn’t go the way they expected it to go through. It was impossible to bring everyone back. The stones were gone. You woke up while they were gone. To say you were panicking was an understatement. Half of the population was gone, the news was filled with sorrow and families looking for each other.

And now you were going to have to live without Wanda forever. It made you wish you would’ve actually died. It would have been less painful that way.

Five years. You didn’t speak with anyone about it, you woke up, trained, went outside and helped the less fortunate. Then got back home and went to sleep. Repeat, that over and over again for five years. The sword was in a trunk, buried deep under all of the books and letters there was. You hadn't even cleaned it from the battle. You couldn't see it. You couldn't bear that. A couple of times you fell into a drinking spiral but there was always someone, usually Steve or Natasha to help you back onto your feet.

The miracle called Scott Lang felt too good to be real once he came. Five years, five fucking years, the slowest years of your life and now there was a man talking about time traveling. At first, it was too good to be true, it wasn’t... it couldn’t work. It would be nearly impossible. Nearly.

But you did it anyway. And lost another member.

Then Bruce snapped and you waited. The HQ went silent, Clint’s phone rang and his wife spoke. The man broke into tears right then and there, that was the moment you knew... you knew she was back. Somewhere. One phone call away. As you went to grab your phone the whole place blew up and the hell was loose. You were fortunate enough to not be completely buried by the building.

Somehow you had managed to find your trusted sword in the middle of all the mess, it still had the blood of the old aliens on it as you had not used it after the battle on Wakanda. You felt determination fill you and you gripped your weapon tightly in your hands as the portals around you and Steve appeared. Literal chills ran down our back and legs and you coudln’t wipe off a smirk from your face when the alien army in front of you watched gobsmacked. Your feet tingled, you couldn't stay still. You already wanted to face the titan and fulfill your promise to him.

“Avengers...” Steve breathed out. “Assemble”

And like that, you were fighting again. Left and right, fury filling you. The aliens were dropping dead by your feet faster than Thor could summon the hammer. It was rather scary, to be honest. The small teenaged boy Peter had to keep away from you in case you didn’t recognize him, not that you’d ever actually hurt your own team members. It was still quite intimidating how many aliens you made a pile of in just a couple of minutes. It reminded them why you were made an avenger in the first place.

It was when Thanos was walking towards the gauntlet you saw her again. And holy shit was she gorgeous. Not aged a day, unlike you who was five years older. Wanda’s eyes were red, literally like glowing and the familiar swirls Hydra had given her were dangerously big and glowing ever so brightly. Her voice was venomous as she spoke to the Mad Titan in anger and fury, chest heaving up and down.

“You took, everything from me.”

“I don’t even know who you are.”

“You will,” She said monotone and levitated upwards, her arms resting on either side of her. You followed as she kept punching the titan with all of her powers. Her whole body was glowing in a different way, you hadn’t ever seen her so... mad. She was dangerously angry. And you couldn’t help but applause her for it. It was kinda hot, to be honest.

When Thanos ordered the shooting you snapped out of your trance. Wanda was still holding him back, not caring if she was smashed to death. Once an energy ball hit her, missing her just by a foot she fell over on the ground, momentarily losing her hold on the mad titan. One of his soldiers took notice of the action and went to raise their sword, ready to plunge it into Wanda’s body.

“Not my fucking girlfriend you asshole,” You grumbled as you ran at the alien and made sure to shove your sword straight through its neck, the only weak spot in their armor. The alien tried to move, to do anything to get out of the pain but you just twisted the sword tighter, until the soldier fell onto the ground and left you there, breathless and a splash of odd colored blood on your chest, neck, and face.

Wanda’s knees buckled underneath her when she saw you. Her eyes returned into their respectful but not any less beautiful color you hadn’t seen in so long. She breathed out your name, so softly you couldn’t even hear it, you could only see her mouth your name like it was just the two of you in the comfort of your bed.

You took her into your arms and you sat on the ground, holding her head against your shoulder and her waist against yours. It was the best feeling you had felt in five years. Her scent you had on your old clothes now filled your nose and refreshed your memory. Her red hair tickled you face as you moved to kiss her.

“Not everything,” You mumbled against her lips and Wanda couldn’t do anything else than sob dryly. Her hands went to your face and she leaned her forehead against you.

She hadn’t lost everything. She hadn’t lost you.

#wanda x reader #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff imagine #the scarlet witch #marvel imagine #marvel fanfic #marvel one #wanda maximoff one shot

371 notes · View notes

himbowelsh · 4 years

Note

Hello! Can I please request the Valentine‘s Day Alphabet for Malarkey please? That would be wonderful, Thank you in advance!!! 😍

valentines day alphabet ( accepting! )

A : AFFECTION. how does your muse show affection?

He’s a hugger. Just a very physically tactile person --- like, Don speaks about three love languages at once, and honestly loves giving affection more than he likes recieving it? While he thinks very little of clapping people on the back of hugging them, he’s also very eager to do things for the people he loves, in order to show his devotion and dependability; he might not be able to fix the leak in his mom’s sink, but he really wants to try! And spending time with someone, making memories, is very important to him, so Don loves having people whose company he can just be comfortable in.

B : BOUQUET. does your muse like flowers? which ones are their favourite?

Don has a very healthy appreciation for flowers, and a keen eye when picking them out; bouquets are his go-to for any family celebrations, and he’ll usually find them pre-arranged at the florists and pick out whatever appeals most to him. He’s tried to look into flower language, but found it overall goofy, and didn’t felve too deep into it.

C : CHOCOLATE. does your muse like chocolate? which one is their favourite?

Chocolate! Literally just --- chocolate everything. It’s got chocolate on it, he’ll take it! Actively despises white chocolate’s existence, but would beg on his knees for a Snickers bar.

D : DATE. what is your muse’s ideal date? where / who with / etc?

Don... would love to do something unique. Fun and unique. Maybe go to a dog park, even if you guys don’t have a dog. Maybe go roller skating! Maybe rock climbing, or to a weird museum exhibit... something exciting, where he and his partner can both enjoy themselves, laugh, and learn something new about each other. More than anything, he wants to make some memories to smile back on later.

E : EMBRACE. does your muse like hugs? what are their hugs like?

Please give him hugs. He relishes them, he cherishes them, he needs them. Don will usually be the one to initiate, but if someone hugs him first? Ooh, he just loves it. His hugs are very secure, very warm --- sometimes a little too enthusiastic, if he grabs someone while excited, but he always means well.

F : FLIRT. is your muse good at flirting? how do they flirt?

He doesn’t try that hard, to be honest. Don’s got a straightforward, good-natured manner; while he’s not a talented flirt (if he tries to hard, he inevitably says something ridiculous) his milkshake still brings plenty of takers to the yard.

G : GIFT. is your muse good at gift - giving or do they struggle to get it right?

He doesn’t always get it right, but he definitely always tries. Don’s got a proud record of never missing a birthday or holiday, even if his gifts are... questionable sometimes. (”Why did you give me a used toaster for Christmas? Where did you get it? Is it yours? There’s still bread inside ---”)

H : HEART. is your muse quick or slow to give their heart away?

Quick --- dangerously so. Don is a lover, not a fighter, and he’s got such a big heart; his capacity for love is outstanding, and he gives it freely without a clear understanding of how ephemeral it is. He doesn’t think things through, like, “I shouldn’t fall for this person because they’re dating someone already” or “I shouldn’t let this guy become the best friend I’ve ever had because he could get blown up in a Belgian forest tomorrow”. Don doesn’t let himself care for people. It just happens, and he’s really helpless to stop it.

I : I LOVE YOU. does your muse find ‘i love you’ easy or hard to say?

He has to get to a certain point in the relationship.... but he’ll probably be the first to say it, and once he’s started, there’s no stopping him. He wants to say it all the time, just to feel the words bloom like a flower inside his chest. He loves his partner, he loves them, and it’s the best feeling in the world.

J : JEALOUSY. does your muse get jealous in a relationship?

Here’s the thing --- Don needs trust in a relationship. That’s one of his biggest things. His partner is a confidante, someone he feels safe sharing his emotions with, and he can’t do that if he doesn’t believe he can trust them. Don’s not the type to overreact if his partner goes out with friends, or if he spots another person flirting with them. He’ll take it in good humor. As long as they have that bond, he trusts them completely... and would be devastated if it were ever betrayed.

K : KISS. is your muse a good kisser? why / why not?

Don’s kisses are 97% concentrated emotion, and that translates through his every action; he’s hesitant, he’s eager, he’s tender all at once. He pulls his partner close, a hand firmly planted on their waist; the other’s likely to find the small of their back, steadying him, because Don’s the sort of person who needs to anchor himself while kissing. Gentle is the best word, because he would never want to overstep a boundary (he’s a gentleman); he is very in-tune with his partner’s feelings, going only as quickly as they’ll let him.

L : LOVE. who does your muse love?

So many people!! So many!! Don loves his family deeply, and has such a wide circle of friends that he cares for with devotion. Don is just the sort of person who loves people easily, and when he does, he puts it all on the line for them.

M : MOONLIGHT. is morning or night a more romantic setting?

What’s wrong with afternoon? Cozy, not to hot, not too cold, some nice sunshine... and he still gets to sleep in.

N : NAUGHTY. what is your muse like in bed?

A lot of energy, not much finesse. Don is extremely eager to please... which can be a great thing, but also cause problems at times. He’s not clumsy, but does tend to take more risks than he should. If he thinks he can lift his partner up? Let’s try it. If this surface looks stable enough? Let’s hop on! This has led to some... mishaps. Thankfully, Don knows how to appreciate an absurd situation. He’s not afraid to laugh at himself in the middle of the act, and this makes it easy for his partner to feel at ease as well. It’s very important to Don that his partner feels comfortable; he would never enjoy anything too rough, anything that would leave them in pain in any way. Enjoys being told what to do. Probably pretty into body worship? He just... loves to admire his partner, loves to make them feel good, and is willing to devote all his energy towards the cause.

O : ODE. does your muse have a way with words?

He’s a pretty simple guy, but is well-spoken in his own way --- not a poet, by any means, but has a particular way of getting his point across that resonates.

P : PARTNER. what does your muse look for in a partner? looks / personality?

Someone who loves to laugh, who brightens any room they walk into; who can be gentle and gregarious in equal measure; someone who doesn’t mind silence, and who understands that some days are not always good ones. They absolutely have to be an animal lover. If they like music, wonderful! If they can bake... like, Don really likes baked goods, so that’s amazing. If they have a kind heart? That’s an absolute must. He’s got a weakness for bright eyes and dimples.

Q : QUESTION. would your muse ask the big question or expect their partner to?

He’d ask, and actually be quite firm about it --- he doesn’t want to be asked, he’s got a plan, and it’s going to be great. Don’s the sort of guy to recruit his friends on a whole elaborate proposal, and would love public proposals --- but before doing anything, he’d test the waters to the extreme, dropping hints left and right just to see how his partner reacts and if they’re open to the idea. He wouldn’t propose unless he was 99% certain of their response. Frankly, Don’s not the most subtle about it, so by the time he finally drops the question, his partner probably sees it coming a mile away.

R : ROMANCE. is your muse a romantic or a cynic?

He’s sure got a romantic soul, but life’s out to prove him wrong.

S : SWEETHEART. did your muse have a childhood sweetheart?

Don had his fair share of elementary school girlfriends, and was the favorite of a few teachers (he was an adorable kid, okay?) but none really stole his young heart.

T : TRUE LOVE. does your muse believe in true love?

He wants to, so desperately. He wants to believe in love, to believe that some people are right for each other and simply meant to be. He definitely believes that love is the strongest force in the universe, and that once someone enters your heart they can never really leave it... but true love will always be a question, until he experiences it.

U : UNREQUITED. has your muse had their heart broken?

... my man... lost five of his closest friends in the span of a week... his heart has been stomped on, smashed, steamrolled, ground up, and used as seasoning for someone else’s soup. The last thing he needs is more heartbreak. (Outside of that, like... Don’s the sort of person who takes things very personally, and awful things... wear on him over a long period of time. His heart is very strong, but it is tired.)

V : VALENTINE. how does your muse feel about valentine’s day?

Definitely doesn’t take it seriously, but he enjoys it! It’s a good opportunity to go on a romantic date, if he’s got a willing partner, and to get creative about it --- because whoops, he forgot to book a restaurant in advance, so now they’re going to have to go to the park and feed ducks or something.

W : WEDDING. would your muse get married? why / why not?

Yes! Absolutely! He’d love to get married! Like, it’s not something he’s ever given much thought about, but the idea of a happy family really appeals to him --- not to mention, having something reliable and stable to come home to at the end of every day.

X : XOXO. does your muse use / like pet names?

He doesn’t use them prolifically, but he’s been known to whip out the occasional “sweetie” or “honey”... or something goofy like “sugarbuns”, when he wants to get a laugh out of his partner.

Y : YOURS. does your muse get protective easily?

He’s... I mean, it depends on which stage of his life you’re talking here. Pre-war Malarkey, who doesn’t really know what it’s like to lose someone? More likely to go with the flow, just laugh things off if someone’s encroaching on his partner. (Again, he trusts his partner very much, and that’s a huge component in their relationship.) Postwar Malarkey? Ooh man, absolutely protective. He’ll jump if it seems like anyone’s making his partner uncomfortable, and has no problem getting in their face about it. Depending on the situation, he’ll either politely but firmly suggest they back off... or tell them to, or else.

Z : ZZZ. how many people has your muse slept with?

Look... he’s a social boy. He’s not shy. If someone’s willing, and they’re flirting with him, and they want to... he’s also a very active young man who is honestly never not in the mood, so... there have been a few. A good few. Maybe he’s lost count.

#don malarkey #donald malarkey #headcanons #he's such... a gummy bear #so sweet so sugary but has def been dropped on the floor a few times

26 notes · View notes