#this was VERY hard for me to accept as someone with ocpd
Text
gorbo thoughts part .. 3?
goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again
ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have
i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it
disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.
see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:
-you tend to have a black and white moral code
-your way is the only right way.
-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)
difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.
excessive devotion to work and productivity
sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.
Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...
yeah...
me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)
like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.
and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:
-sometimes cant control emotions well
-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general
you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.
you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)
avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)
escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .
yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.
makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.
as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.
i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..
man...
#goro akechi#p5#sure i guess#ahah the rival life with ocd ocpd and other fun things is so. fun (NOT)#man#this is why i became so attached to him when i was playing... its like. YO THIS guy this guy gets it (becomes obsessed)#im not joking i think goro is probably my favorite character in anything ever. at least now. but like. ive never. felt so much ...for any#fictional guy#man....#love to hear you guys thoughts! as i said i dont dislike if you disagree on something; sometimes i may be seeing things wrong! i want to#know so much and understand my favorite guy ever ^^ hes so much to me. so id love to hear everything!!#after all. i hadnt even considered cptsd before someone brought it up. even tho. i also. have. it. LOL
9 notes
·
View notes
Note
As a fellow aspd tendency alter( if that makes any sense) how is your relationship with your fiancé? I want to get into a relationship, along with my systemmates but I’m afraid I’ll “mess it up” and a lot of people I see talk about how they would never want a relationship with someone with aspd And so it’s just difficult to see myself in a healthy relationship as a system and someone with aspd tendency’s so any advice you’d be willing to give?
It's... interesting to say the least. To be honest our fiance has thick skin and knows he can and when to call us - specifically me out. He's kinda my "safe" person who I respect enough to call me out when I'm on my bullshit and might not be aware since I'm extremely egosyntonic when I'm on my ""pisser"" as I call it; ie a high ASPD symptomatic flare up and so I don't really notice it until afterwards and I have to clean up my own mess; so I do appreciate him being able to - for a lack of better words - reality check and reflect on if what I want is what I want or me running off of my ASPD bullshit.
Largely my best attempt is to be straight up real from square one with how You Are™. It absolutely might scare / push some people away, but it also will function to remove people that either 1) do not have the "bandwidth" to work through the lows that are inevitable and 2) judgey assholes that would end up forcing you to repress your shit in ways that aren't productive, because at least in my experience, trying to hide the ASPD only makes it 50000x worse.
Cause you have to be a bit real, with any Cluster B (PD in general, but we have limited personal + second hand experience with others beyond OCPD and don't feel as confident talking about it), there will be lows and hard patches and for some, that fluctuation will be too much - an unfortunate but valid incompatibility to have. With that said, there are definitely people who can and are more than willing / capable to work with those so don't take that too discouraging. The only thing is that to avoid it being a shock or them finding out late in the relationship that you are "too much™", just be upfront about it and explain and try to be communicative to the best of your ability about how it works for you and generate a sense of rapport, trust, and understanding on how and where this comes from.
Our fiance already dealt with two other alters that have ASPD tendencies a bit before me and so when this system started dating hi he already had some experience with parts being *like that* but honestly when I came around I made our most antisocial parts look like they were Saint Teresa and he jokingly states that he "had to adapt to and accept that he was dating a would-be-terrorist" with how I talk, my impulses and my highly opinionated and extreme political takes.
I honestly also operate on a 0 masking policy with people I like and get along with cause I don't have the time or energy to be feigning shit with people I like, so I still do say and voice my fantasies / thoughts / impulses of some of the most batshit, asshole, low empathy, violent and arguably illegal bullshit; the key thing though is that he has built a large understanding on how the whole ASPD tendency stuff works for me as well as a trust / rapport with me that he can trust that it is very very unlikely that I will actually go about doing this because so long as I am "emotionally sober" and not on my "pisser", then I do very much value him and our system BEFORE any high that I could get from chaos, violence, or impulse that I have.
I think in a way he might actually find that almost endearing in nature from me but, thats beside the point.
TLDR, be honest with yourself, be honest with them, be transparent and self reflective about why and how your tendencies work and try to explain them if you can (or have another alter if you struggle and trust one with it) so that when things flare up they have the ground work to understand why you are the way you are and how to help you down regulate rather than escalate.
Cause personally for me, if I am denied the ability to self express in the slightest, I tend to rapidly escalate, so its very important for me - in close relationships - to be able to say things without them being taken too seriously because by saying shit, I DRASTICALLY reduce the likeliness Ill say it; plus it also comes with the benefit that he can pretty reliably know that I don't bullshit or lie to him, cause I don't hide my cards much at all.
You kinda just gotta find someone who has the right compatibility and bandwidth to deal with the highs and lows and personally just keep an eye out for yourself and be communicative about how you work to the best of your ability.
But also to answer the first question, I actually have a great relationship with our fiance. I think I worry him sometimes and stress him a bit with how I am, but nothing more than how other parts with their own issues do. We also have our own different form of romance and attachment / affection because I don't really experience love and attachment the same way others do (not sure if Id be counted aromantic, but my attachment methods are heavily broken and warped ngl) but that doesn't devalue or diminish the positivity and genuinity of our relationship.
-XIV
#alter: xiv#aspd#aspd tendencies#pisser#relationship#relationship tw#ask#asks#for the record#we havent been diagnosed with ASPD largely because our therapist doesnt see much of a theraputic value in PD diagnosises#when put against C-PTSD and DID since a lot of those tend to be inherent and come with more stigma than worth#but we have talked about ASPD and all that shit from time to time
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
@luciferian-drama said:
Meta about how marcie's childhood impacted her?
[ this is for her main/modern verse but the family dynamic applies in all verses ]
Marcie had a childhood full of opportunity and enrichment, but she also faced high expectations from her mother from an early age. Marcie was in extracurriculars from the moment she was old enough. This included learning french, ice skating and swimming lessons, ballet and gymnastics (to supplement her main hobby of figure skating) and in middle school and high school, test prep.
Their relationship was very strained as Maryls was more of a boss than a mother to Marcie. Her father, David, was there for her and supported her, he often did not interfere in what Marlys wanted for their daughter and would dutifully drive her to her activities. As a result of Marcie’s rigorous schedule and lack of friends, both in school and out of it, Marcie was a loner. In junior high , Marcie was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which at the time was untreated and effecting her schoolwork and extracurriculars.
It was her dad that noticed something was ‘off’ with the usually perfect Marcie, who had begun to not turn in assignments, do poor in class, and stopped taking herself to her after school activities or making excuses not to go. She then entered therapy, which she would attend bi-weekly until she finished university.
When she was 15, her father took a job in the US, causing Marcie distress when they had to relocate and her neatly organized life was disrupted. In the summer between 11th and 12th grade, Marcie climbed fell out of a tree and broke her leg, forcing her to quit figure skating, which her mother wanted her to quit long before do to her unusual tall height not giving Marcie the kind of body needed to succeed in the sport.
This caused Marcie to fall into depression, threatening her grades and acceptance into university. This was when she took up fashion design and clothes making as her primary interest, changing her college of choice and major from horticulture to fashion and costume design. Her mother was unhappy with the choice but could do little to stop Marcie.
University was the first time Marcie had freedom to make choices for herself, but she felt the need to stick to a schedule and over-compete in her classes, as she always had before. Generally having a shy and serious demeanor, networking was hard for Marcie, something that would bite her in the ass post graduation.
While well controlled, Marcie’s OCPD, mainly her reliance on structure, keeps her unwilling to take risks and deviate from what she feels she needs to do to keep her life and mental health balanced. So while it is controlled, it is a fragile control. She keeps a good relationship with her father, but has a nonexistent one with her mother. Yet she feels the ghosts of her mother’s treatment of her every day, mentally beating herself up when Marcie does not live up to her mother’s previously set expectations. Her parents moved back to Canada when she was in her 2nd year of University in the States, creating a great physical disconnect between the 3 of them.
Marcie also limits her personal relationships, focused on work but also afraid of entering a serious relationship before she is ‘ready’ to. She is afraid that she will turn out like her mother and mistreat her own children, or ending up with someone she does not love for the sake of the convenience of not being alone.
When she does date, she struggles to relax her rigid boundaries and make time for others, literally the trope of ‘let me check my schedule’, making whatever romantic partners she could have feel ignored and left on the back burner. She also comes off as unemotional and unempathetic, feeling great need to control her physical reactions. She also wishes to not burden a partner with the weight of her rigidity and the effort she takes to keep herself tethered, in the same way her father bent to her mother’s wishes.
While prone to busts of spontaneity, Marcie will feel remorseful for them later for having deviated from set plans. Thankfully, Marcie is able to keep herself in check with positive coping mechanisms, having a great understanding of why she feels the way she does and how to reel herself back in when she feels like she is losing control.
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
hey, i’ve been looking into bpd and i think i might have it.... if u have any can u say what u feel are common experiences or something of bpd that like. webpages and stuff don’t really touch on? a lot of the pages i’ve looked at say the same things and i relate to them but i’d love more information on what living with it is like from a first-person perspective... if you feel comfortable of course. thank you
Firstly, I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I know how hard any mental illness is. Secondly, I am very happy to share my experience if it'll help you or anyone. I'm pretty open about most things. Thirdly, I'm going to share about three specific things that I believe have the greatest impact on me: identity issues, relationship issues, and emotional intensity. If you have any specific questions or any follow-up questions, I'd be happy to answer those as well. Finally, I would like to preface this by stating that everyone experiences their illnesses differently and I have other mental illnesses that have an effect on my BPD symptoms to a degree. With that said...
1. Identity: I am extremely sensitive when it comes to labels. As an afro Latinx bisexual enby, all the things I am are on my mind a lot (and so is that of other people but that might be more of an OCPD thing). It took me a while to even accept my BPD diagnosis because I didn't believe it; I had to scrutinize it for months until I could approve of it (again, also OCPD-related). I can get angry about my identities pretty easily (more on that later), particularly about racism and social injustice and biphobia. My identity and how I feel about it is frequently changing but conversely, strangely, also very strict.
2. Relationships: HO boy! I am very black and white with relationships. It's especially intense in the beginning. When I first get to know someone, whether the relationship becomes romantic/sexual or remains platonic, I am OBSESSED with them. I want to talk to them always. I want to tell them every thought I have and get really bummed out that they don't do the same (because why would they). I love very intensely, often to a fault. And it can take just one slight to turn me against someone. It's not conscious at all; I just get upset with them and I don't like them anymore, or I get upset with them and decide not to like them before I really know them. There's usually no in-between but lately I've been better about calming the fuck down (after having a particularly bad episode with my best friend and ex, about whom I have intense and complex feelings and to whom I unleashed 5 years of rumination in 10 drunken minutes). I'm honestly surprised and eternally grateful she's still my friend.
3. Emotions: I just feel everything really hard. It's often distressing. I can snap and become angry easily. This is the worst and most frequent one. When I do get upset, it's extremely difficult to bounce back from. The bad mood will stick with me, or I'll get angrier when I try to get rid of it. I've cried on and off for hours. But I also feel the good things intensely too, something I've recently recognized. I laugh too loud, and I love to laugh. Like I said, I love intensely. And when I am genuinely happy, I am very very happy. It's just that I have depression so the bad ones are easier to contract and remember. But I'm doing better at recognizing and appreciating the good ones.
Welp! There you go. I have been laid bare lol. Long story short, EVERYTHING IS MORE INTENSE and sometimes that HURTS lol. Make joke for not to cry.
Like I said, let me know if you have any follow-up questions and also let me know if you need anything clarified. And hey also let me know how you’re feeling after reading this (sorry it’s so much!). I send you well wishes and peace 💜
1 note
·
View note
Text
12.27.18
So i havent been journaling every day because i tend to be stuck inside of my head too much which isnt a good quality for me to have. I am always a swirl of constant thoughts and chaos. Assessment and reassessment. Honestly its exhausting and I have no idea how my brain doesnt look like a piece of melted plastic at this point. 🤔😅
I am doing better. I was pretty suicidal there for awhile. Very down. Everything was hard for me and I was struggling to push through and just have the desire to continue on. However i kept watching videos. Learning about myself and researching emotional abuse and abusers and realized that living in the past was only hindering my ability to move forward. Its not that I dont regret what happened with every fiber of my being. But its that regret should be a lesson not a death sentence. Or an anchor.
So. With that being said. I am moving forward. The knowledge has shattered me quite frankly. But i am picking up the pieces quite gently with a far better understanding of how I came to be formed to be. And a far better understanding of how I can work to mold myself into a different, healthier person.
My ex still talks to me. And i still love her. So its a strange thing for me. Part of me feels like I shouldnt talk to her at all after the way that i made her feel. But when i do talk to her I am very open and honest about the way we communicate. I am always sure to explain how I come across, be conscious of her feelings, and I am always very aware to stay within appropriate boundaries. Sometimes I have crossed a few times without thought. But i have recognized myself and apologized. She told me it must not be fun walking on eggshells. I told her there was nothing wrong with being aware of how you come across or being conscious of the other person's feelings with who you are communicating. However its still difficult for me to talk with her. As i imagine it is for her to speak with me. She has finally started the process of speaking to a doctor about her depression and is maybe looking into therapy and talking to a psychiatrist. I am happy for her. I want her to be happy. Even if it's not with me.
Its strange because there have been people who I've talked to who have told me Ive accepted the label too willingly. People who say that I cannot be that way. People who want to fight for me to not be. But I've researched. And with the issues I have. Bpd. Ocpd. Generalized anxiety disorder. Bi-polar. Depression. Panic disorder. Control has always been a central factor for me. Growing up in a home with an alcoholic father and an absent mother. I yearned for control. I wanted it. I needed to know every aspect of everything. Combine that with my fear for everyones saftey (anxiety) and my fear of abandonment (bpd) and it became quite the toxic combination. It doesnt mean i wasnt a good person. Or our entire relationship was awful. It wasnt. But it wasnt all good either. Especially this last year and a half. I was. And denying it does nothing.
I think sometimes of how we become a product of our environment. And i think about the way i grew up. And the fact that im 28 years old and just now realizing all these things about myself. And just now realizing that i was never loved the way you should live someone else. So i never learned how you really love another person either. It's a strange concept to think you can want all these good things for someone. Think they're the most beautiful person you've ever seen. Fall in love with the simple things about them. Like their smile, their hands, their freckles, the way their hair feels through your fingers, the shape of their shoulders, but you never learn how to really apply these feelings. Because they're buried under all the wrong lessons.
1 note
·
View note
Text
People can be cruel
As most of you know, I play the deadbeat poet punk AuRa with wild green dreadlocks in Final Fantasy 14. A lot of you know I suffer from LGS, a rare and extremely severe form of epilepsy. I take 14 prescriptions a day. 8 for my epilepsy. I have a VNS implant. A VNS implant is a battery in your clavicle, which sends electrical signals to your brain every 5 minutes. It changes your voice forever, but in my experience, so far it has been worth it.
What a lot of you don't know is that the rest of my medications literally give me the will and desire to survive. I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder in February, after an event which landed me in a psychiatric ward for 2 months. I'm not proud. I'm not glorifying anything. I want to explain how eye opening that experience was. I made a lot of friends with people who go through so much every day. One legged people, one eyed people, a man with a colostomy bag, a man who literally found out he has a hole in his heart while we were in there. But my absolute favorite person, who has become one of my very best friends, was a homeless man who had been disowned by his family. Every day he drank 4 cups of coffee for each meal. He used to go bat shit crazy when people didn't close his door (for good reason, it was always annoying.) He has paranoid schizophrenia, but always accepted me through thick and thin. He was there for multiple seizures. He was there to calm me down after every anxiety attack, to talk me out of my crazy ideas. He's honestly one of the most down to earth, beautiful souls I have ever met. He taught me a lot about my own life. He taught me to respect myself. He taught me that I am worthwhile. That I'm someone who can achieve anything.
Since my two months in hospital, I have continued to stay in contact with him, even though he's 2 hours away. I have only missed one day of work, and have moved into my own home. I'm damn proud of myself.
But society still holds massive stigmas over neurological and mental illness. Yes, my moods change every hour. Yes, I may feel too anxious to participate in activities, including Ffxiv. I hate bailing on people, and feel terrible for doing so. I have had to miss a lot of wonderful events due to my health. Society expects people to work 40 hours, then hold down a home. I'm doing that myself now. Every single day I open my eyes is a difficult day. Every breath is hard labor. Yet I'm proud to say I've survived. People often don't survive with borderline personality disorder, because they are misunderstood. It's one of the hardest mental illnesses to treat, because it's often loaded on people in conjunction with multiple other mental illnesses. For example, I have depression, PTSD,OCPD,Dissociative disorder, anxiety. Yet no matter what, I force myself to strive to survive.
People don't understand BPD. It's not like cancer, but its effects can be devastating. Simple little things said to a person with BPD can drive them over the edge. There's an imbalance of cortisol in the brains of BPD sufferers, and so areas of our brains are literally corroding. We react to things in a much more emotional way than the average person. Take the emotions of a normal person, times it by 100, and you may have a close estimate as to how a person with BPD feels. We fear everything. Rejection, abandonment, loss,failure. Everything. People don't understand how much they hurt us with what they do and say.
I'm currently feeling deeply upset about FFXIV, and my experiences on Balmung. Several times I have been reprimanded for not being able to attend events, or having to cancel at the last minute because my mind literally cannot handle people. I've been reprimanded for spending 2 months in hospital, rather than playing FFXIV. I've been disrespected because of my inability to follow through with every single thing. I can't always follow through because of my health. I've been disrespected for being too honest. I've been treated like crap because of the character I play in FFXIV. I don't play Mary Sue. Sorry. My character is a deadbeat with multiple flaws, who doesn't belong in the high class society. I've been denied RP because I'm not playing the "right" type of character. I've been shot down and found myself being replaced because of my inability to play 100% of the time.
So what am I saying? Even in online games, you have ignorant people who refuse to accept people for the way they are. People who claim to be open minded, but refuse to RP with you because you're not a perfectly prim and proper character. People who breed intolerance, when they claim to accept anyone. People who ditch you if you can't make one day of RP, one event.
Yes, I do cancel a lot of events when I feel like shit, but I fucking rock at being me. I kick ass at surviving. I am great at working hard and maintaining my home. If I can't play because of life, something that "always comes first", yet gets in the way of gaming and causes rifts, so fucking be it. I'd rather strive to live my life to the fullest, than try to be the perfect roleplayer, the perfect Eorzean citizen. If people don't like it, they can kiss my fucking ass. I have always been open minded, always respected people for who they are, but if I do not get the same respect back, those people aren't worth my time.
I may lose all of my FFXIV friends for saying all of this, but right now, I don't give a flying fuck.
Peace out ignorant, closed minded shit heads. I know who my real friends are.
#FFXIV rant#FFXIV#FFXIVRP#lennox gastaut syndrome#borderline personality disorder#Intolerance#ignorance#hatebreeding#RealLifeMatters#RealLifeComesFirst#IKnowwhomyrealfriendsare
4 notes
·
View notes
Note
Is it ableist when people that don't have diagnosed and treated mental health issues say things like "oh my OCD is acting up today" or "I'm anti-social". I ask, because a lot of the people that say those things don't know what they really mean. Like having social anxiety is way different than an anti-social personality disorder. And OCD is different from OCPD. The more I learn, the more it bothers me that people just make throw away comments when actual people need help.
Yes
Disabled people are always making posts asking people not to use diagnosis as slang. It’s a disgusting thing to do.
NTABs argued that “everyone is a little OCD” which translates to “I have no idea how a neurochemistry works and I’m an asshole”
Everything is on a spectrum. Everything. OCD isn’t a tangible thing that grows in your brain or can be installed, neither is any other mental illness. Everyone’s body develops differently and these labels we call diagnosis are intended to be a way to identify the quality of each system/organ/everything as specifically as possible so it can be treated as specifically as possible.
So everyone is a little obsessive and compulsive, yes, because it comes from a very natural and important part of our brains and our species wouldn’t survive without it. When someone doesn’t have the ability to control it when it becomes overly active we call it OCD because it’s a lot more efficient. If it’s not to the point that it disables you then it isn’t OCD and using it, especially in such negative terms, is incredibly insensitive.
This goes for everything, even physical disabilities. Which is why calling yourself crippled when you get injured is such a dick thing to do and I will come for you all if I see you do it.
You, anon, are absolutely right to be upset with people.
PS. I’m sure most of you haven’t seen but there is currently this huge controversy going on in the disabled community about whether self-diagnosis is acceptable or not. What I said above needs to be taken into account in that argument. So does institutionalized racism and sexism because it’s hard to get a diagnosis if you can’t even get a doctor who can diagnose you. General practitioners (your regular doctor) is not a specialist.
That being said, remember, it’s very very common for NTABs to self diagnose themselves for slang all the way to pretending they have a disability in certain situations. It’s really really common and I think if you pay attention a lot of you guys will catch yourself doing it.
#Anonymous#abelism#actually disabled#disability#spoonie#Signal Boost™ disability#civil rights#Dear Christy
50 notes
·
View notes
Text
[Content Warning: /hj /lh Im being melodramatic in OCD/OCPD because the content is genuine but I also know that its extremely excessive]
There is a unique pain in being someone who copes with their C-PTSD and shit by chronically living in the future and having scaffolded webbed-plans reaching decades into thr future and a new stage is being approached which is COOL but the new stage has yet to have key variables defined by the nature of them which is NOT COOL because I have to ACCEPT that I cant escape into my future planning if I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL SPECIFICALLY BE DOING IN A MONTH AND HALF.
*slams face on desk* ITS BEEN TWO WEEKS USVHSKSOA
Can someone just tell me where the job I get will be located so I can start looking into my housing and start building medium "long term" goals for this 2-3 year break ;;=;;
I know this is healthy because I can somewhat still cope and XIV has like 0 issue with this so hes helpful but ;;;=;;; I don't know what to do with myself if I dont have a heavily detailed 2 year plan, a detailed 5 year plan and a good 10-30 year plan ;;;=;;;
Like I know Ill get to my 5-30 year plan regardless but the specifics of my 2 year plan ;;=;; What am I supposed to do if I don't know the intense details of my 2 year plan ;;=;; What am I supposed to be working on and enthusiastically building ;;=;; Where am I supposed to harvest my passion in life if I have no immediate goals ;;=;;
*dies*
I am lost in life because I dont know a detailed ideal play by play of the next two years of my life. I only have goals stretching out until Im 40-50. What will I do with myself having so little ability to plan ahead? What is the MEANING of this all?
Whyvdo we exist, just to SUFFER?!?!!?
*melodramatically dies again*
Melodrama aside though, I realllllyyyy hate waiting. Im whining mainly cause its 100% me being impatient and uncomfortable that I don't have my main distractions and sense of control / security and it has me UNCOMFORTABLE because I WANT TO MAKE PLANS but I CANT because I don't have set knowledge of the intentionally planned variable aspects by the very nature of being in a transitory phase and IM GONNA STRANGLE SOMEONE UNTIL THEY TELL ME WHAT EXACT JOB AND CITY ILL LIVE IN I SWEAR TO GOD HURRY UP SO I CAN GET BACK TO MY WAY OF LIFE I AM LITERALLY PULLING OUT MY HAIR AND XIVS GONNA KILL ME CAUSE ITS HIS BEARD /hj
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I hate my OCD/OCPD. Tame the rage. Tame the impatience. You can live without everything stringently planned out and you can survive waiting a totally reasonable amount of time to get replies. You are a big kid and if XIV is doing fine you can too now go touch grass and enjoy the moment smh.
Ugh.
I hate how this transitory period is grating SO hard against my OCD/OCPD tendencies. It makes me want to sign forms to have XIV handle it until I get more material to plan with but he is 10/10 not wanting to be primary host again and Im like ughhhhhhhhhh
end my suffering
*dies*
-Riku
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ableism Vent
I often don’t like to vent here, but god damn it ableism is annoying.
Honestly as part of my healing we are trying to go against the core belief and ideology that literally everyone else is allowed to be average but me where I have to constantly - no matter my disabilities or trauma - be able to do everything perfectly since it stems a lot of OCD and OCPD like behavior.
I know theoretically it is a trauma belief and theoretically I shouldn’t have to live to the standard of constant perfection, but the world’s ableism makes it very very hard to believe that.
Society really doesn’t make it easy to be “disabled” and a lot of society likes to laugh when you show any signs of disability. Here I am trying to accept that I am not perfect, but here I am having people still cracking jokes about how I “can’t drive” a year and half after I got my drivers license because anxiety and dissociation made driving difficult and terrifying. More than half of our alters drive fine, but because I was open about failing the driving test the first two times because >I< was stuck fronting and panicking - I have spent over a year being made a joke of by way more people that it is fair.
It has been over a year and *certain people* I am spending the Fourth of July pretty much still goes “Oh hi neighbor! This is Riku and she failed the drivers test and sucks at driving hahaha funny right!” and I am just really sick of having a lot of strong points and being a good academic and working well with arts and shit, yet the only thing people ever comment and remember be of is the few times I either can not over come my mental health and physical issues to look not only normal but above average and if I am anything BELOW average god bless I have two life times to live it down.
I’m sick and tired of only my failures being acknowledged by literally everyone in society - not even family, but school, work, strangers, colleagues, in-laws.
I am still going to try to convince myself I don’t have to be perfect because I know that is a trauma-core-belief but god wish me luck because literally everyone around me seems to reinforce otherwise.
Take home message though, can we stop with this societal “lol someone sucks” shit? Can we stop making fun of people for struggling at somethign and instead give them credit for fucking trying? Can we stop holding everyone to the standard of “I am a cis-het white person from a good family and have no mental health issues and plenty of money”? Cause fuck able-ism.
-Riku (Host)
#alter: riku#ableism#anxiety#depression#vent#vent tw#ptsd#c-ptsd#did#actually did#fourth of july tw#4th of july tw#mental health#dissociative identity disorder#osdd
13 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
pauperofpretend
You'll Find Me In The Winter Wheat
dandelion-grl
Spitter
lexybeyond-blog
Lexy
jamellesanders
Jamelle Sanders
thatbloggersimar-blog
Untitled