#this is what happens when my cat wakes me up at 4am
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had a dream greg tried to drown himself in a pool just so tom would do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him????????
#and then i think greg was shocked it worked because he thought there was a 50% chance tom would just leave him there#and say something like aw greg you big lanky pool noodle shouldn’t you be able to swim from birth#are you an evolutionary mutation?#natural selection i guess!#anyways it was actually kinda cute. barf.#also there were robot dinosaurs involved and i think the pool was on my uni campus instead of the parking lot#this is what happens when my cat wakes me up at 4am#tomgreg#<-i’m sorry </3 just felt i needed to share because What#succession#<-i need to reify my dreams sorry#maya.txt
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AITA for wanting my mother to stop making so much noise in her own house when I’m staying here?
So me (22M) and my mother (62F) have a complicated relationship. She is very very toxic and always has been - she used to induce illness in me and make my pre-existing disorders worse so that she could keep me with her when she separated from my father, she never let me leave the house because she would tell me I would be harmed or something would happen to me if I was away from her, she would control everything I did and what I ate or drank, where I went, etc. The house she and I lived in was an incredibly bad environment for me. It’s not taken care of, it’s dirty and unhygienic, I was constantly ill and having allergies set off, she would try to feed me dirt-covered food I watched her pick up off the floor, the shower didn’t work and she wouldn’t let me go elsewhere to bathe. I kept talking about moving out, especially once I got into a serious relationship with my girlfriend (26F), but it would always devolve into an argument with her telling me I wasn’t going anywhere, that my girlfriend would leave me, that she’s the only person who’ll stick by me, and so on.
All of that is basically background context to counterbalance the (fair) preconceptions of “you’re guests you’re imposing on her you can just leave” etc you’re about to have.
So I finally moved out this year and in with my girlfriend and it was wonderful. However, my mother was blowing up BOTH of our phones 24/7 telling me to come back, and it reached the point she was contacting Other people (family, our friends) to get Them to tell me to move back in with her and asking where I was at all hours of the day, who I was with and what I was doing. I was ignoring her as best I could. Then a couple of weeks ago mine and my girlfriend’s house flooded after our upstairs neighbour burst a pipe in the building and water began fountaining through all our electrical sockets and lights and pouring from the ceiling. We had nowhere else to go except to stay with my mother until the house was repaired and made safe again, especially because so many of our belongings were ruined.
So we’ve been back here since. We’re forced to sleep on the couch together in the living room because in the time I was gone she somehow let bugs infest my old room and her cat pee all over the mattress of the bed.
Now, my girlfriend and I are both very non-confrontational and I’m usually super hard to annoy, but I’m also autistic and highly sensitive to noise. And my mother is. Very noisy. She blasts the TV at full volume all day even when she leaves the room and gets angry if you turn it off even if she’s not watching it, she’s a chainsmoker who’s constantly hack-coughing, she’ll have the radio playing OVER the TV, she shouts out the windows to her neighbours, she keeps all the windows and doors open, she’ll play music at full volume without headphones on, etc. I have noise-cancelling headphones from when I still lived here but she’s often so loud it doesn’t muffle it at all.
Recently it’s reached the point where she’ll wake up during the night, say 2-4am, come through to the room we’re sleeping in where the TV is, and just turn the TV on, turn the radio on, start singing along to music, slam doors, VACUUM. For the past 2 weeks she’s been waking me and my fiancée up every single night, often several times, and we’re at the end of our rope with it.
We can’t afford a hotel and have nowhere else to go, when we try to ask her to keep it down at LEAST during the night she says she can do whatever she wants because it’s her house and says we’re being ungrateful, and when we’ve offered to try to clean up my old room so we can sleep in there she snaps at us not to touch anything of ‘hers’ and gets mad because we’re implying her house isn’t clean, that we don’t want to be near her, that we must be telling everyone her house is shitty, etc.
Yesterday I got into an argument with her because I was having an extremely bad sensory day, my girlfriend said she had a migraine, and my mother responded by turning up the TV. When she saw I was holding onto my headphones and my girlfriend was near tears, she turned it up even louder and smirked at me. The argument basically ended in her screaming at me that if she was so bad we could leave, I impulsively said okay we would, and then she got physically aggressive and barred the doorway and told us I wasn’t going anywhere because she’d make sure of it.
It’s just. Exhausting! GF and I are constantly sleep-deprived, drained, grumpy, tired, and dealing with headaches on top of the stress of trying to financially recoup from the house flood and deal with getting everything fixed, and half of me is mad at my mother for not having even basic respect for us sleeping or our issues when half the time she is not even watching the damn TV or in the same room as it, while the other half of me feels conflicted because it’s her living room and we’re sleeping in the TV room and she’s putting us up when we have nowhere else.
AITA (/are we the assholes) for wanting her to accommodate us despite being guests?
What are these acronyms?
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Big emo thoughts about Dai post vvv
Ya know- I spend so much time agonizing over if I am being a good and proper pet owner to Dai. I do my absolute best to do everything right by her and go the full distance for her always, and I know my worrying about it even is likely a sign that I'm FINE- but it still Haunts me. Sometimes I look at her and wonder "have I given you the best life that you could have, are you happy"
But something happened this morning that......while it is NOTHING NEW- really finally made something shift into place in my head.
at 4am Dai had a reverse sneezing fit, it lasted about 5-8 minutes on and off. its fairly common for small dogs, and not something to be too worried about, as they will usually work through it. HOWEVER, its very very scary for the Dogs. [they can't breathe!! and they don't know why!] Mainly you just need to sit there with them and comfort them [sometimes gently blowing in their nose will help but not always]
I woke up to the sound of it and lept out of bed to help [she sleeps at the foot of the bed usually kuz I'm a RESTLESS sleeper] it WAS a longer one and I felt so bad for her but we just did what we could to get through it.
after that was all done, I turned the lights back off and scruffed her fur and gave her a lil kiss, and then got back into bed, once I did she got up and came to curl up against my chest. it took her a while to feel safe enough to put her head back down and try to sleep, but eventually, she did and slept through till morning.
this is something she does Like Clockwork after these episodes, and also when she has nightmares [cries out and shakes and yelps in her sleep until I wake her up], she always comes up and pushes herself against my chest to settle herself back down.
I've always found it really sweet and always makes me wanna Cry a bit [ /pos ]. but today I was REALLY thinking about it, about what it Says. I know lots of dogs and cats that run off and hide when they feel scared or uncomfy, I feel like that's the "default" animal response.
But Dai comes to Me. I make her feel safe, being close to me brings her comfort and calm. She Trusts me.
And with that said, maybe I need to stop raking myself over the coals wondering if I'm good for her. maybe that says everything I need to hear-
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New Goth Household: Chapter 2, Part 5
The bizarre sims code decided to have Marta propose living together 3 interactions after she asked Keira to be her girlfriend. For storylines I made it the other way around. I didn't want them taking a relationship hit so they're living together but still taking some time with their relationship since Keira doesn't have lots of experience and Marta's last relationship was a whirlwind emotionally abusive one.
In this part the household adjusts to the fluffy and human additions, Joey checks out Geekcon and we see Alexander's younger brother Milton.
Keira: I didn't expect you to have absolutely nothing
Marta: But it's a lot
Keira: When we put it away I'm sure it will be fine. We may just have a few boxes around, but I'll take stuff out so we can both share the dresser
Marta: And the bed?
Keira: Yeah... I've been thinking about that
Keira: I'm happy you moved in and I get to see you more but-
Marta: You're worried I'll get memories of my last whirlwind romance
Keira: I'm not going to place blame on you for a me issue. Living together is a big step, I want to savour it. Not run up the whole staircase at once. Don't mistake me-
Keira: I absolutely dream of woohooing you
Marta: *laughs*
Keira: But I'd like to keep the bed for sleep for now. Are you worried about your bad memories?
Marta: A little. He was the only partner I've lived with before you. But I like your plan. Can we still cuddle in bed
Keira: Just try and stop me
So Keira and Marta fall asleep. It's been a day of changes, becoming girlfriends, having their first kiss, moving in together, they don't want to rush anything else just this second. Sleep is all they do, at least until something bizarre happens. Gertrude wakes them up, despite being locked out.
I deliberately locked the cats out of Keira and Joey's rooms. But Gertrude (seen in birds eye view on the left side, between the seat and stairs) manages to yowl awake the women. Yep, you read right. Through a planter box and wall her wails rouse them from slumber. Darn mischievous cat.
Marta: It's 4am, why are we awake
Keira: Cats defy physics. I really need to be rested for class
Marta: Don't worry, I'll go tell her off, back in a minute
Gertrude: *yowls*
Marta: Ay dios mio, quiet! You have dads you can wake up
Gertrude: *yowls*
Marta: It's not polite to wake up people in the middle of the night
Marta: I think she'll stop for a while. Hey you okay, you looked spooked
Keira: I just had a bad dream
Marta: Tell me, that's what I'm here for no
Keira: I was crushed by a murphy bed
Marta: Eek. Sounds awful, but it's over now carino. No murphy beds here
Keira: You're right, let's go back to sleep
They slept for a bit before Marta had to get up for her barista shift. Keira would have slept in but this little scamp, Hamlet, copied Gertrude. Yep, he woke her up from the other side of the wall and planter box. James slept in, it's not like they couldn't wake him up.
Me being me though, I can't stay mad at cats. Hamlet is just so adorable. Marta heads off early to work and I spend most of the day following the cats while the humans juggle classes and homework.
Poor Joey. He dislikes fitness but I still force him to workout now and then to keep him healthy. He's probably going to keep his beanpole physique for a while yet. I'm not a completely terrible watcher and give him a trip to Geekcon. Joey enters the hack-a-thon, but gets a pretty low score despite his level 10 skill.
He takes some time to play around with the tech on offer. Then he checks out the sparklers. Having never tried them in game before I'm entranced! I wait for the hack-a-thon results... and wait... and wait... and the festival is over with no results. You win in my heart Joey!
Joey: Hey pa
Aaron: You were going to be here for dinner
Joey: Sorry, there was a glitch with the festival
Aaron: Well come in, I have some case work to file but let's talk before you leave
Joey: Any update on getting Milton for Alexander
Aaron: Nothing new at the moment
Kelly: Ew it's you
Joey: I'm also thrilled to be in your presence
Kelly: Get up to any chaos lately
Joey: Sure. The watcher has been perusing new mods
Kelly: You're so weird and loony
Joey: There's this one all about dreams that's being trialed
Kelly: Sure there is
Joey: Just wait. You think you'll have a good day then wham! Nightmare!
Kelly: But that won't be a kid problem
Joey: Who knows, the watcher can't remember if kids will have nightmares but I think they will
Kelly: You're lying
Joey: Anyway you'll be a teen soon. So many things to have nightmares about
Kelly: Shut up
Joey: Acne! Social mortification! Puberty!
Kelly: MA! Joey's being a turnip!
Calista: Let your brother be
Kelly & Joey: He started it!
Calista: Go to bed Kelly, it's getting late
Kelly: Whatever
Joey: Good to see you ma
Calista: Did you come just to wind up Kelly
Joey: No. I'm taking this knitting course-
Calista: You are! Sweet
Joey: Can you give me some help
Calista: Of course I can, I practically knit in my sleep
The two sit down and talk yarns, hooks and needles. Joey is still learning but Calista gives him some good starter tips for his projects.
Calista: Thanks for coming by, you're a good son
Joey: I try ma
Calista: I love you
Joey: Me to ma
Joey: What did you want to talk about
Aaron: Are you being safe
Joey: Of course. Besides the watcher doesn't include the WTD part of RPO
Aaron: I mean with pregnancy son
Joey: Oh yeah, of course I am
Aaron: Because if you end up fathering a kid, you need to look after them
Joey: Pa, I'm being safe, promise
Aaron: I'm not against you having kids-
Joey: I know, you're always championing our Italian genes. I want kids someday, but not yet
Aaron: You do?
Joey: Yeah, I'd love a mini me. I just don't want a wife to raise them with
Aaron: And you're making sure the ladies know that
Joey: OMW yes pa
Back home Joey gets stuck in making a mobile app. Gertrude wakes up James from a nap but he teaches her not to wake up sims. Hopefully no cat alarm now. But a mischievous cat will not be contained. The next day Gertrude kicks trash out of the bin and encourages Hamlet to try eat it. EWW
Unable to avoid it any longer, Keira has to do some baking. I mean she's doing a baking paper after all. She still gets a tense moodlet from not liking cooking (but girl this is baking). She makes some oatmeal cookies with raisins. Joey gets my inside jokes.
What is that small speck? Let me zoom in. It's Milton! Having gotten bored with Dina and Nina fawning over newborns he has decided to break out and come see big brother Alexander. Yes it's a different neighbourhood but after crossing the road to see Cassandra, no distance can stop waddling Milton!
*knocking*
Alexander: Milton! What are you doing here
Milton: I want fun. Newborns boring
Alexander: We should get you back home
Milton: I like here. Story time please
Alexander: Okay one quick story, then we'll get you home
Milton manages to get Alexander to read a couple of books and play with him
When Alexander knocks on the door to his old house Nina answers with mild surprise.
Nina: Oh Milton, we've been looking everywhere
Alexander: You look frantic. Dina, delivery
Dina: What were you doing with him
Alexander: Excuse me
Dina: Did you kidnap my son
Alexander: My brother knocked on my door
Dina: Surprised you heard it over the sound of your golddigging
Alexander: You're one to talk
Dina: Get out of my house you spoiled brat, you're never getting Milton
But arriving home Alexander has an idea.
Alexander: You said to call if anything came up? How about some surveillance footage
Previous Part ... Next Part
#sims 4#the sims#the sims 4#Rotation7#ChangingPlumbobStorytime#NewGothHousehold#KeiraFoster#MartaRomero#JoeyYork#AaronYork#KellyYork#CalistaYork#JamesRyan#AlexanderGoth#NinaCaliente#DinaCaliente#R0706
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not doing great right now and trying to keep my head above water
i don’t handle high-stress periods in my life very well. i tend to mentally freak out and go into a dark place. i have trouble sleeping soundly and tell myself abusive things like i should kill myself, i’m not a good person, nobody really cares about me, etc. the other night i was holding my cat and i realized i was so tense that i was probably passing my tension on to her and had to let go of her. it’s just a phase i go through every couple of years. it hasn’t been so bad yet this time - i’ve gone through phases where i will wake up at 3 or 4AM and think these negative thoughts and not go back to sleep, i’ve gone through phases also where it manifests in pain/digestive issues - but i guess i’ve gotten good at recognizing the signs. we’re going through a busy season at work and recently got a lot more urgent matters dumped on us than we normally would so we’re under a lot of pressure. i have my period now so that could also be contributing to my down mood. my 30th birthday is coming up and i’m going to celebrate but i also really feel very down about it and that’s just gotten me down in general.
all i see is people celebrating their birthdays and how great they’re doing and i don’t feel worthy of that. my parents say they’re proud of me but i’ve stopped believing it as time has worn on. when they were my age, they had me, they’d been married for several years, they had a house, they had tons of friends, they hadn’t reached the life of immense privilege that they know now but they were on their way. i’d be embarrassed to have me as a 30-year-old daughter. i am barely average. i’ve been in therapy various times since i was 11, i had multiple diagnosable disorders as a child, and i’m still prone to these phases where i become uber anxious and stressed and tell myself i should just give up and either kill myself or abandon my life as it is and go live in the woods. i rarely talk to most of the people i consider my friends. every time i have a really close friend something happens where one of us moves away or something and even if we still talk from time to time we never have the same closeness. whereas my mom has best friends from high school, from college, from when we lived in florida, from when we lived in singapore, from when we lived in new jersey - everywhere she goes she gets a group and it’s fine, you know, people have different personalities and i don’t think i could handle having like 30 or 40 really close friends but i can’t imagine being in her position and being proud of having a grown-up child like me. i’ve dated before but it obviously never worked out and i definitely don’t have what it takes to be in a successful long-term relationship; i don’t even want it anymore. i actually like children but i’d be a terrible mother and my kids would grow up to hate me and never visit me, if they were lucky enough to not die under my care.
big whoop, i have a job? in this market employers will keep anybody who consistently shows up and does the work. my accomplishments aren’t that special. i went to college, big deal. a chimpanzee can get into college these days and with grade inflation, it’s not that hard to graduate. even law school isn’t special. unless you want to go to one of the top 20-30 law schools it’s actually easy to get into law school and people complain about the work, but it’s not hard to earn at least an okay grade. the bar exam isn’t that hard, either. yes you do have to practice, but if you study and you practice, it’s easy and it’s actually pretty fun lol. so basically... i showed up to some lectures for three years, i took a test, and i didn’t commit any crimes so i became a lawyer. i was also already 27 years old when i graduated, passed the bar, and got admitted so again, not something to really be proud of, more like “finally, i did something that qualifies me for a career.” my late 20′s were pathetic and embarrassing. some of that wasn’t my fault because you-know-what hit but i didn’t handle it well at all. the remote work coupled with the really terrible culture and bureaucracy where i used to work took away all enthusiasm for my first full-time job, which i’d initially been proud to have. the entire year i was 28 i can pinpoint exact dates, maybe five or six of them, when i was happy because they stand out that vividly. my first cat died that year and that was the closest i’ve come to jumping off a bridge. she was my best friend at the time and i still feel really bad about the whole thing, i really believe i could have recognized her suffering sooner and ended it sooner. the last thing i said to her was “i’m sorry” because i truly believed her suffering was my fault. i didn’t just miss her, i felt like i’d failed this tiny creature who was dependent on me and the combination was very, very close to being too much for me to handle. i still cry about her sometimes.
then age 29 was actually a complete 180. i resolved in april 2021 that i was going to make it, i was going to change my life, i was going to do 3 things by the end of the year - get a new cat, get a new job, and move out of the city into a small town - and i did it all in about 3 months and for the first time ever i was genuinely proud of myself. i hadn’t believed i would do it. i thought i wouldn’t be able to manage it. but i had put my mind to something and done it. and after that, i had a good year. i found a lot of joy in simple things in life. i went on a lot of simple adventures - hiking, exploring the area, etc. i delighted in nature - in rainbows, haloes, the moon, the sunset, the stars, birds, flowers... i enjoyed my new field of work. i came to enjoy my new town. i bonded with my new cat.
but this month... idk... it could be the stress of busy times at work. i also had you-know-what in may so it could also be the down mood that follows me for a few weeks after being very sick. also, not gonna get into it here, but the state of the world really stresses me out and i feel very doubtful about humanity’s future and kind of just wish aliens would come. i genuinely worry that nothing i do in my career/financially is worth it because civilization might just collapse in my lifetime. so that’s always in the back of my mind, too. so maybe it’s all of those things, but like, i just, idk, recently stopped feeling so excited by everything. i started thinking it was actually pathetic to be 30 years old and only have some local hikes, sunsets, and a cat to be excited about. my contacts on instagram and facebook are always sharing their good times going to parties, going to people’s weddings, meeting each other’s babies, going on trips with friend groups, and buying houses... and my good times are “hey look guys i cuddled with my cat today,” “hey look guys i went on a 15-mile walk and hung out in a park all by myself,” “hey look guys here’s a sunset.” it’s honestly started to make me think there’s something wrong with my life. like i really have failed somewhere along the way. even if i haven’t seen it that way before, maybe i should because maybe it’s objectively true that i’m a failure.
idk, today i’m just gonna get a smoothie and go on one of the hikes i’ve been promising myself i’ll do and come back and work with my hands a bit fixing some things and hopefully i’ll feel better, at least temporarily.
i’m really sorry if you read this whole thing, i just needed to get it out
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Sooo, total sidenote, but: my older brother/roommate equates me to a cat cuz I can sleep anywhere, anytime, and in any position
Example: The time is 2016, and one of my friends from when I was living in Virginia just turned 16. It was a friday and we (my entire friend group) were over at their house. The presents - opened, pizza - demolished, cake & ice cream - obliterated (mostly by yours truly), and everyone was now hanging out in the backyard. The time was roughly about 1:30am and I'm constantly nodding off, not quite in my 'staying up far too late with the demons of my mind' phase. So, I excuse myself with the guise of taking a real quick shower and getting ready for bed before hanging out some more. I go down to the basement where we're all due to sleep when we decide to turn in, and I flop down on my nest (a sleeping bag, 2 comforters I brought from home, and a weighted blanket in between). I read some fanfiction for a bit, literally just to recharge since I'm heavily introverted during this stage of my life, and I must've nodded off for a bit.
The next time I wake up, its almost 4am and EVERYONE'S freaking the fuck out. They must've been calming down from something, and so my still sleep addled mind decides 'huh, what's the best way to let them know I'm here??' So I rise up with my arms out in front of me, and I call out in confidence, and sleepiness, "I LIVE!" (think Mushu from Mulan). All my friends start screaming and they all basically dogpile me, blubbering about how they couldn't find me and that one of our friends was possessed by some sort of demon. And you could just hear the dial up tones, tv static, windows errors, and white noise playing in my brain. To this DAY, I still have NO idea if what had happened is legit or if they were playing a prank on me. I have reason to believe them because I've kept contact with the friend who's birthday it was and we talk about it sometimes and they swear up and down that it truly did happen
Anyways, sometimes I think about this and am like 'man, one person's shit night could make someone else's entire life if you cut out some context'. Like, I have no doubt their lives flashed before their eyes, and yet I was less than 5 feet away, my 18-year-old-self conked the fuck out, and probably dreaming about boning my blorbos or some shit
HAHWHWHEHHEJWJSJSJSJS
WHEEZE-
Please thats fuckin hilarious 💀
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Elmo Session 2/6/24 Tues
Here are some notes for today’s session which I scribbled out last night in journal entry form to myself. I figured you could read them during or follow along as I go through them.
•Made significant headway with insurance call re surgery
•Ordered and read chapter 1 of Emotionally Immature Parents book; highlighted many points and journaled corresponding bullets. Should I send them to you? Do we have time in sessions to discuss amidst everything else?
•Didn’t finish CV but researched jobs extensively and made spreadsheet to help narrow down where to apply
Somatic Feelings I Can Identify re: PDX & Fear:
•Bad feelings in my stomach like something I’m not supposed to do
• Feeling of falling & isolation; lone; incapability like need to hold on; fear dissociating while driving bc leaving core/root behind
• Feelings of being punished for doing something really bad: bad doom; feeling in trouble, or like about to get in trouble
• Closer I go, the more I feel like something in my mouth/throat stopping me.
• Feeling of is this right decision? Feeling like what if I’m making big crime like mistake
Other Notes of Reflection, as prompted by new book (but still have other notes more specific to quotes not shared below):
•Raised w/o self sufficiency
• Understanding fight response; hate it most bc it’s mean to ppl I love. It’s untameable. It doesn’t make sense when it just starts in. Pushing away and confusing sweet ppl. Make myself more and more hated while desperate for connection; feels like I’m burying hole and choking. So embarrassing. Can’t come back from it.
• Numb barren zero visible action; they see low Ex Fx so someone unable to ‘do anything.’ Sometimes I worry their words are true. And I get so depressed. Feel far away from self.
• Feel close to self when out listening to music.
• Feel scared like how am I ever going to get out of this entrapment.
• Why can’t I find anyone to help me; why can’t I find anyone to help me scaffold this.
• Scared to submit job apps bc then it’s real and I’m trapped/can’t get out.
• I want someone to just hold me and tell me im worth it. Missing Tiffany. Want Someone to hold me I can snuggle up against. And I can feel complete and capable of this. But I don’t have it so I have to do it with a super fucked up confused and scarce brain.
• Why won’t my brother see as real person or me moving as a legitimate event to make happen. It’s senile to me.
Last few days, reflections on our dynamic & events of last few days:
• Parents betrayal: “we won’t help you with Elmo, Amy, or your masters— you have to use Exxon for that” — makes me feel twisted up in throat can’t breathe. Makes me feel twisted like screaming crying curling up and dying bc confused why I’m being punished for that. They said they’d pay for ED treatment and know I’ve been waiting for Amy’s new program to begin early 2024.
• Dad called my actions “elder abuse” today (action was me texting him at 7:30am and asking if it was AM or PM and that cat is scratching). He always says text him if cat scratching walls and this is well after the time he normally wakes up. But he came stomping into bedroom while I was sleeping and naked and said this is elder abuse that I’d text a “preposterous question” (I sleep texted it) and that it’s elderly abuse to “imply he must go feed my cat” but really I just wondered whether I’d only slept a few hours having gone to bed 4am or whether I’d slept all day and maybe it was 7:30pm not AM, so I could assess whether I was functioning enough to go downstairs and feed cat or if she was even hungry at all. In recent days dad had no problem calling Lilah away from the walls she scratches and letting me get more sleep but he was so enraged and came stomping in and I screamed that I had no clothes on, to please not come in. He yelled at me so badly, I said “this is abuse,” he said “elderly abuse.”
• They were questioning why I didn’t come down and meet their friends who came over on Saturday but I told myself I wanted to honor my boundaries by sleeping all day bc I didn’t want to show my face in front of people my parents have threatened to have talked shit about me to in the past.
• They also originally told me just Mike my brother was visiting this past weekend, not with Brie so I didn’t prepare for her. Then she came and I was very caught off guard and not in Self at all. I couldn’t access any parts work at all and was just horrific mood, the kind of mood that encourages negative interactions between me and my parents, like egging it on and being immature and ridiculous. I don’t think that’s autism. I think it’s well within my control but then why do I do it. I know it’s not DID but Just seems like entirely separate personality and most times I don’t even know when I’m in it till I open my big fat mouth.
• I hate when my parents ask me how I’m going to survive in Portland or fill in the blank with whatever is relevant in the moment. Like if I say mom will you grab me a spoon since you’re standing right there, they say, “how will you get your own spoon in Portland?” It’s becoming more and more frequent. I say they are being ableist and discriminatory and they say I don’t know the words that I use, that the word is “enabling” and that they DO enable me by “waiting on me” and that I’m not self sufficient but rather dependable. I say enabling and ableism are two unrelated things but dad says I’m full of shit. I say I will care for myself how I always have and they act like they’re at a loss for any molecule of that being a qualifying answer.
•They see my executive dysfunction the last 7 months and constantly bully me about it and I say it’s a product of neurodivergence and they say that’s a cop out and excuse. In response I have tried to actually clarify what ND is and my dad says OK OK YEAH WHATEVER KATIE ANOTHER WORD THAT ISNT REAL. And I’ve just never felt more trapped and alone and erased than I do when I’m with them.
•So it’s very hard to get myself in a state of mind where I can take big exciting risks like moving out or to Portland or anywhere when all they make me do is wanna blend back into the couch I’m slouched into or the walls that I’m a gnat on. I no longer need to educate or convince them to change— I’m shifting beyond that. But in conversation sometimes my responses to their bullying is simply “I’m neurodivergent” not in an effort to get them to understand, but rather an effort to play an active role in the dialogue and stand up for myself (otherwise not responding just leads to worsening conditions such as my dad later commenting that I don’t listen or hear them and am not aware of my surroundings and have no sense despite the fact that inside my head I am a critical thinker and intellectual and creative who is non stop analyzing everything going on and all my plans for the future).
•So while I no longer am trying to get them to understand where I’m coming from, I do feel I deserve to offer my response to their accusations or shaming methods or attempts to ask me something. When I set clear boundaries tho of not wanting to talk about Portland or timing of moving etc it’s bc planning it makes it feel real and makes me feel scared and uncertain, unable to give them reliable information when I myself am not even sure I can do this. But they say I’m blocking them out and not including them in the planning process bc I’m inconsiderate and selfish.
These were just scribbled out notes I made last night in bed, not well written so I apologize if they were difficult to follow.
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12 days ago, I overdosed massively. On my prescription medication. I have zero memory of it. I was high on sleeping meds. The last thing I remember is sitting in my bed watching a movie and taking that sleeping pill. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital at 4am, 2 days later, in absolute panic because I could feel my body was fucked. And I had no memory of why I was in hospital, why I felt so awful. A nurse held my hand through a panic attack, but didn’t explain anything. I fought with panic for hours before I passed out again. I woke up around noon. I couldn’t walk or sit up without fainting. A doctor came in and told me they had a room ready for me at the psych ward. And I asked him “am I not already at S5?”. I thought I was, but I also knew I wasn’t, cause the room I was in didn’t look like the psych ward rooms. I asked him why they had painted the doors black and why the bathroom tiles were different than usually.
I asked him why I felt so bad, and he said it was because of the OD. I said “I haven’t od’ed”
But I had. He said it was clearly a suicide attempt but I couldn’t make that make sense, cause I had no memory of feeling suicidal.
He left and I asked a nurse for a charger because my phone battery was dead. And then I passed out again.
When I woke up and checked my phone, I had several messages from my friend Laura, asking me if I was okay. She was the one who had caught on to me not being okay, and she had contacted my support time, and they rang for an ambulance.
I replied saying I was okay. To ease her anxiety. I didn’t feel even close to fine. I was confused, scared and in physical distress still.
Different doctors and nurses came and went, I had trouble talking and thinking, which made communication with them difficult. I was so out of it. I couldn’t pee which they were very concerned about, they thought my kidneys were damaged.
Yet despite me not being able to even sit up, despite me not being able to talk properly, despite me being emotionally fucked as well, they allowed me to discharge myself. I knew I wasn’t ready, but I couldn’t stop worrying because my cat had been alone at home for two days.
My support team came and picked me up, I was in a wheelchair and even then I felt incredibly faint.
I came home. Charlie was perfectly fine. So I went straight to bed and slept for 14 hours. I was still unable to stand for long or walk more than a couple of steps without getting faint the next day. And my pee was dark brown even though I had hydrated myself plenty in hospital.
The daylight hours were okay at home and I spent they day piecing together what had happened. I found the packages from the medication I had od’ed on. I had taken 200mg’s of zolpedim (max dosage a day is 10mg) and 8000mgs of Seroquel (max dosage a day is 1200mg). It’s not the biggest OD I’ve taken, but I’ve never felt worse physically.
In the evening I began feeling suicidal and I got scared.
I ended up getting a doctor out to my apartment to assess me for being admitted to psych. But he said they didn’t have room so I should just take som PRN and relax.
I texted a friend saying I didn’t know what to do about it. She said her and her mom could come pick me up and I could stay with them.
So they did. I felt awful but I finally got some food, the first thing I had eaten in almost 4 days. And then we went to bed. I didn’t sleep a single second, but my friend was next to me, and a dog she was dog-sitting in the bed as well. And I felt okay.
She woke up at 8am the next day and we talked for a few hours, got breakfast and then we decided to nap for a bit and I finally got 4 hours of sleep.
At 3pm I went home. The walk to the bus stop was difficult and I felt so bad physically.
I was stilling peeing dark brown and decided with my support team to go see my doctor the next day to get my kidney function checked. But that evening my pee began getting clearer so I decided not to the next morning.
The next many days I was only in my bed. I slept or daydreamed for a whole week before I got a bit of energy back. I thought I’d never feel energy again.
My cat Charlie was so patient with me. She’s normally very active and vocal, but she just relaxed with me, cuddled with me and slept when I did. And she was so much more affectionate. I’ve never believed cats where that emotionally intuitive, but for that whole week she really was.
The past 3 days I’ve gotten more and more energy by the day, and I feel a lot better, physically and emotionally. It’s a big relief.
I’ve thought a lot about what would’ve happened if Laura hadn’t picked up on me being off when we texted that night.
When I was at my friends house we woke up to the winters first snow. And I thought “I’m lucky I’m around to see this snow”
When Charlie cuddled close to me and let me tuck my arm around her for the first time ever, and I had my head buried in her fur I thought “what would’ve happened to my little cat if I had died at home and she was alone like that”
When I told my closest friend group what had happened I remembered that they once had a talk about me, a few years ago, where they were mentally preparing themselves for losing me and I thought “I’m letting them down and making them feel like that again” and I didn’t bother telling them not to worry about me because how could they not?
When my little brother called and asked why I hadn’t responded for days I lied and said I had just needed good rest. And I remembered how he got PTSD and severe substance abuse issues when our foster mom committed suicide in 2012. And how he would be so alone if I wasn’t around, how I would’ve abandoned him too and I’d never know if he was okay or not.
I remembered I would’ve missed out on Christmas Eve, and how the day after Christmas eve last year was the best day I had had I so long, just laying on mattresses on the floor with my nieces watching tv, our limbs entangled, our fingers in each others hair and sleeping on and off together with Disney movies playing in the background.
I thought of my family and friends at my funeral and I had to stop thinking.
And then I felt so much grief. Because no matter how much I love my life, I still feel like I wasn’t ever meant for being alive. No matter how much I fight, no matter how many good times I have, I’ll always be mentally ill. I’ll always have so much trauma weighing me down. I can’t promise this will never happen again. I’ll always have to toe the line between keeping myself in check and being undeniably sick.
I get better. And then I get worse. Then I fight my way back and feel better. And then I get bad again. And it’s been like that for 15 years.
“I’m getting tired even for a phoenix; always rising from the ashes, mending all her gashes, you might just have dealt the final blow”
It’s strange and incredibly heartbreaking to be so in love with my life, but not thinking I should actually be alive.
I’m not actively suicidal. But I’m also feeling like that’s how I’ll die, tomorrow or in 20 years.
Charlie has come up to me for kisses right now. She’s too intelligent for an orange cat. I love her dearly.
I’ve been trying to process all of this. It’s scary. It hurts. It’s confusing. It makes me want my mom but I don’t have a mom. I’ve never had a real mom. Just pain from the people who had that real role.
That’s a pain like nothing I can explain. Feeling like a little kid, missing something so intensely, but not knowing why cause I’ve never felt like I had that, I can’t put a face to it, a scent to it, a memory to it, a real feeling to it. But it doesn’t stop the longing from saturating me.
I have so many incredible, loving and supportive people in my life. I’m rich on people. But the real deep feelings I always take care of myself. I’m best at taking in love when I’m okay. The bad stuff can only go away when I tough it out or daydream of being loved.
And why daydream of being loved to pieces like I’m not? Because I am. I can think of maybe 40 or 50 people who would be heartbroken that I’m gone. There’s so so many people in this world who can’t even think of 1. I’m devastatingly lucky in that sense, like I can’t even believe. I don’t feel lonely. I’m never more than a text or a phone call from so many people who would drop everything to help. But I rarely ask for help with anything emotional unless I’m piss drunk. Call it foster kid damage. But that’s an entirely different subject.
So. Truth is I could’ve very well died. And I can’t even remember why.
It’s almost Christmas, almost new years. And I feel horrible and relived at the same time. And doomed. More than anything, I feel doomed.
What happens now? Who am I now? Why does it feel like something important has shifted that I can’t define?
I want to live. But something in me has already given up.
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Well, this exists. I forgot about this Blog smh.
But. I do have a question to anyone who might know anything.
So, throughout the years I have had, for lack of a better word, 'paranormal' stuff happening. The occasional object being knocked off shelves and such for no reason isn't of much concern to me. They've been helpful at best, like the one who knocked a can off my bookcase to wake me up for an appointment like I had asked to, trying to see if anythig would happen, and annoying or slightly off putting at worst, with open letters being thrown on the floor and scattering.
What if like some help identifying are shadow like beings I've encountered multiple times over the years. They stem from a specific corner in my room and have only ever appeared originating from there. I usually wake up with the sensation of something staring at me at 4-5am and see them just, peeking.
First time I recall was a blob with a shifting amount of eyes of all colors. That one actually slithered up the the edge of my bed and burned itself into the back of my eyes until I managed to fall back asleep.
Second time was a vaguely t shaped thing with uncountable eyes on it that for some reason reminded me of some sort of angel.
A lot of small silhouettes have appeared there without much drama at some point. I do have to mention that there was a point years ago where I kept waking up at 4am from nightmares and often saw them lurking, which made me instead stay up until 4am and then go to sleep so I wouldn't have to deal with either of those, but led to me suffering from sleep deprivation. It lasted about a month, although I only recall it being in winter or autumn at most.
Recently I've had 2 encounters. One where multiple cat-esc blobs with piercing white ring eyes appeared and looked at me for a while until they disappeared after I ignored them and told them to leave for a while. Then about 2 days after a more humanoid figure with the same eyes appeared, accompanied by 2 or so if those blob cats.
I have never found what they may be. But this time even in my dreams I felt how unsettling it became when they appeared. Eventually in the dream itself I went to sleep and saw how scarecrow-like dolls were moved to stare at me from the edge of my bed. I kept moving them away. I only woke up once, in the dream, I realised my voice shifted in a way that made me understand it wanted me to scream with fear. And I refused to give in to that.
Any help identifying what these may be? They're not really harmful but it is a smidge annoying to be woke up by their staring and know that they just want to get a reaction out of me.
Unsure if location matters any for this but I've only ever seen them in central Europe.
I could try to draw them from memory at some point if visuals are needed.
#Magick#shadow creature#metaphysical#Unknown entity#witchblr#witchcraft#please help#is this anything?#Witchy discussion
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479.
This time last year, what was happening in your life?
Life was pretty similar to how it is now, to be honest - work was maybe a bit quieter but in all honesty, not much as changed on a practical level.
Did you/will you have coffee or some other form of caffeine today?
I’ve had one of those instant cappuccino things and also a normal coffee - I’m sure I’ll have plenty more as the day goes on as it’s only 11am.
Who did you last have a text conversation with and what was it about?
Sophie. I was just asking if she could cover a customer for me while I was on holiday next month and luckily she can! :)
Are there regular trains in and out of your town/city?
Yeah, several trains a day but they don’t go far.
Do you bathe your pets regularly?
I’d never even attempt to bathe the cats lol. The dog gets a proper bath every few months, and then a quick rinse off if he’s muddy - which seems to be every single day at the moment, haha.
Do you have a mailbox or do you collect your mail from the post office?
Our post comes straight through the door.
What was the last animal you saw, and was it a pet?
I can see four animals right now, and they’re all pets. Toby is sitting behind me on the sofa, Archie is curled up by my feet, Layla is on the coffee table staring at me as she wants feeding an hour early, and Purrlock is asleep on the rug.
Have you ever had an ear infection?
Not a full on infection, but I’ve had issues with my ears on/off for a few years now.
If you could watch any TV series right now, what would it be?
I’m currently watching The Hobbit. There’s a new show I’ve found via Instagram that I want to watch but we can’t get it in the UK yet.
Would you have any clue when your best friend last got their hair cut?
Mike got his hair cut on Thursday, actually.
Someone messages you just as you’re about to go to sleep. Do you reply?
It depends on the message.
Do you grind your teeth, and if so, why do you do it?
I do not.
Have you ever been hospitalized due to dehydration?
No, but I have been quite poorly with dehydration a few times in the past.
Is there anything you need to remember to do before the day ends?
The only thing I really need to do today is go and feed Monty, but that’s not for hours yet.
When you listen to music with headphones, do you keep the volume low enough to hear surrounding noise faintly, or do you blast it?
I don’t use headphones and haven’t done for years now.
What’s your favorite online radio site?
I just use Spotify for music.
Do your parents have any authority over who you date?
I’m 34 years old and married, so I’m going to say no, lol.
How many different shades of nail polish do you have?
Maybe five. I never bother doing my nails anymore as with my job they get messed up far too easily.
What did you have for breakfast this morning?
Two crumpets with butter and vegemite, a class of orange juice and a coffee.
Are you lucky enough to have an ice maker in your refrigerator door?
We don’t have one, but I’d love it if we did.
Are you the type to wake up before the sun has even risen?
Not on purpose, but it happens sometimes.
Have you ever watched an anime series, start to finish?
No.
Do you feel the need to rant about anything right now? If so, go for it.
For some reason, I keep waking up at 4am and it takes me ages to get back to sleep, even though I’m going to bed early and taking my tablets.
Do you have a favorite towel? What color is it?
Yeah, it’s white.
Have you seen any films with Judy Garland in them?:
I’ve only seen The Wizard of Oz.
How did you feel when you woke up today? Why?
Tired, but otherwise I felt fine.
Who was the last person you messaged on Facebook?
Sophie.
When was the last time you saw them?
Quite a while ago in person even though she only lives up the road, lol. I want to say before Christmas at some point.
Do you have a friend named Nick? What’s his favourite food?
My old manager was called Nick - his favourite food was steak.
What are you listening to?
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.
What year are you/did you graduate?
I graduated university in 2011.
Are you obsessed with anything?
Wax melts and certain TV shows/films.
Do you prefer waffles or pancakes?
Waffles.
Do you prefer non-diet or diet soda?
It depends on the brand.
Do you like seafood?
Most kinds, yeah. I love clams, prawns, calamari, mussels, crab, whitebait and lobster - but I’m not keen on oysters.
Are you craving anything right now?
Something to eat.
Do you dress appropriately for your age?
What does that even mean?
If McDonald’s sold hot dogs, would you buy them?
No, just because I’m not a fan of hot dogs.
How long is your hair?
Around boob length.
Do you like your neighbors?
I don’t really know my neighbours but they’re nice enough.
What’s your school motto?
It was “Quit ye like men, be strong”, whatever that means lol.
Has a bird ever flown into your window?
Not so far as I know.
Which word did you say first, mama or dada?
Mama.
How old were you when you learned to walk?
I honestly don’t know, maybe 18 months?
What was your first pet’s name?
Gizmo. He was a ginger tabby.
How many kids were in your class in kindergarten?
I don’t have the faintest idea.
Who was your best friend in elementary?
Lucy and Stephanie.
Who was the best athlete in your freshman class?
I’m going to say Michaela.
What teacher did all the high school boys/girls have a crush on?
We had a supply art teacher that everyone fancied - Mr Lowndes I think his name was.
Where do you see yourself in a year?
I never plan that far ahead as you never know what life might throw at you.
If you were able to change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My anxiety.
Are you content just blending in with the crowd?
Yeah, pretty much. I have no interest in standing out.
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alice, ever since i’ve held witness to nothingness, i can’t see life the same way anymore.
thinking seems to have split from it’s roots and now only revolves around pattern-seeking and contrast theories. resilience is honestly my only redeemable trait, but that can easily convert to stubbornness, so whos to say? sin tends to line every choice of mine, its fucking disgusting. you’d think i would’ve learnt my lesson by now. gross sickly slimy incapable child
when i was little, my step-dad would often shoot birds. he’d aim for families, try to take them out in one shot. i’d cry but it didn’t deter him. another dwindling bit of irony, i managed to cry for birds but not for his victims. i was a child, its fine, whatever. it’s honestly stupefying the fact he bought an illegally imported weapon just to fucking kill birds, what a cunt
but it’s fine, it’s all fine.
because nothingness is bliss.
in the mildest way my mind could process the ‘experience’, it was the kindest thing to ever happen and simultaneously not happen to me. it was beautiful, the way my mind remembers something that never occurred is so beautiful. it’s calming, it’s grounding, because it’s true, it’s real. i’d be blessed to stay that way, even if my sore rotting mind becomes incapable of remembering.
i can only wish for similar fates for everyone i care about. Alice, you don’t UNDERSTAND how fucking amazing it is. It’s so fucking beautiful I cant put it into words, and I never tried to, not in-person anyway.
people like my step-father are exactly reasons why nothingness is gorgeous. his actions exist as one, the man who happily made us breakfast in the morning, the first man child me dared to trust after EVERYTHING that happened and then simultaneously being a creepy stalker, abusive murderer if not months later. I knew he was bad, but not that bad, violence is just a part of life, can i really ..?????????? i dont know. i will never justify him. i didn’t care when it was just violence because it bred money and money was what we needed the most
my cat came back today! i wasn’t sure if he was hurt after the recent snow. i was going to go out looking for him, i dont even know what to comment about that. OBVIOUSLY i was gonna look for him but also,, not so obviously you know? maybe i was just telling myself i would do it and then never do? i waited 2 days with barely an afterthought so? how can i be sure that makes me a redeemable person? maybe i was just lying? how should i know т_т i need something to make me feel feelings that are more exact, precise, maybe then ill feel like i used to again
i replayed the arcana today! i nearly cried at the nostalgia, fictional worlds are so picturesque, why is real life so dull and bitter +_+ but i have to keep going !! its the gift !! some gift !! that i will never fully understand!!!!!!! but im meant to keep going anyway !!
relationships in media are so bitter. perfect friendships, lost and found and family and trust, things irl always work out but they never *work out*. theres never some adventure, just grisly grappling with your circumstances; you come out of it “okay, i guess” and that’s the best story you’ll have for decades. the fact theres no after to an end, just continuous days and days and days with days and days and days worth of issues is paralysing. it just doesn’t stop
i wish i could stop time. the closest thing i’d have to that nothingness. if i could, i’d just sleep, finally sleep GOOD sleep for the first time. i want to wake up feeling refreshed, i want to sleep feeling safe, knowing everything is still around me. time doesn’t pass, im free of its constraints. no what where when, sun rising night falling, next day 3am 4am 7, just me and me. nothing but me and warmth of my bed. my whole family is safe, they are safe because everything is incapable of being otherwise. even if being actively attacked, that victim is left to linger in never-fleeting moments, peace and solidity for once. time is cruel, but i don’t want to bore you with overused metaphors so i’m sure you can interpret it yourself.
so pessimistic today
your regretful childhood friend,
they miss you
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Why am I angry? (Part 1 of 3)
Oh, for so many reasons you’ve angered me. But, let’s start with the most recent time I’ve heard from you until now. Three texts, it took, through out the week until I got a response from you. Great response, you even asked how I was doing. I give a phenomenal response, in which you didn’t even take the time to read or respond to. None of them you have. You responded to a picture of my cat, after ignoring the others though. And responded to my flirtatious joke back. I knew you were at a party, and I text you asking if you may be free at some point that night, considering you’re off and this was a time, to my knowledge, that we could spend time together. After an hour of waiting, I realize I actually cannot spend time with you. I explain, I forgot I did not get a decent sleep the night before, and I need a decent sleep tonight. I turn off my phone because I need to focus on sleeping. I wake up briefly, due to my discomfort of being warm, and my light being on. Shortly after, I hear a knocking on my window. It’s 4am. I check my phone to confirm it was you, but forgot it was off, so I start it up. You continue to knock, I yell “Yeah!” and check to make sure its you before letting you in through the front door. “I can come in through this way?” “Yes!?” I think wtf else would you think, clearly we are both at the door. Gtf inside. I’m bothered, because I made it clear I needed a good rest, and you have now interrupted my sleep. Initially, it being a nice surprise, just poorly timed, mellowed me out. My room is also a mess, I tell you, you say that’s fine, but then comment on it. “wtf happened” “its okay, it adds character” I lay down on the bed, near fetal position, you say “good morning”, I say it back, fucking annoyed. Order of events doesn’t matter. You lay over me in this position, which feels great. But then I notice you are reaching over me to pet the cats. I then notice, your breath reeks of alcohol. I point it out, you go back and forth with me, claiming you didn’t actually drink, and asking what it smells like. I already know you drank, and now I’m just going with it that you didn’t actually. You later admit you drank, in which I call you out for lying. I’m annoyed as well, because I brought his drinking to his attention, it being a concern. Alcoholism type of vibe. He’s recently told me how he had a whole new mind set, cutting out vices, working on himself. And he’s already back to exactly where he was. I told you this was a “nice surprise”. You tell me you texted and called twice. I explained my phone was off because I wanted to sleep. And how coincidentally, I happened to wake up right before you knocked, because I got hot. You tell me something like “no shit, look at what you’re wearing” (Leggings and a large t-shirt” and I say something like “no shit, I was freezing when I went to bed”. You say you need to use the bathroom to brush your teeth, hesitantly I warn you that it’s also a mess, in which I quickly retract my statement with a “never mind, I can pick it up really quick, give me a minute.” I use the bathroom myself, brush my teeth, and quickly straighten up my bathroom. I return to the bedroom and tell him it’s ready for him to use. When he exits the room, I change into something lighter, short shorts and a tank top, my go to. I start to work on straightening my bedroom. You lay on the bed, playing with the cats. Cute, because this is the first time Titan has actually warmed up to you like you are one of us. I still continue to work on my room while talking to you. You tell me how your “boy” from work, a 17 year old child, invites you to a family party. You boast about how cool you are, and how his father is also an artist. Talk about red flag, kid is 2 years away from being half your age and I’m thinking you are exploiting a friendship with a child to get an in with his dad and get ahead in a sleezy way. I ignore it, just kind of did that awkward smile, you know the one you do in passing to strangers or something. With a “mhhmm” and nod of the head. I continue to clean.
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I apologize for how long this likely will be and how rambly it likely will be, but I just feel like I need to get it out.
I just got a call from my dad that my aunt passed away. I'm sad of course....but maybe not as sad as I should be? Mostly I'm just angry...
I couldn't sleep tonight...even on medication, I was up every hour or so, until I got the call and I knew immediately someone had died... Someone unexpectedly once again taken from my family....at the same time of year around the same time of morning...
For the past 4 years, I've lost someone close to me....always around the same time. (And even before that... It's like the cirmustances are always the same.)
August 2008, I couldn't sleep for more than a few minutes no matter what. Then my little sister woke me up around 3-4am and told me my grandmother, who she and I both lived was gasping for breath and she couldn't wake her up.
A few years later, August, I went to visit my great grandmother, someone I grew up seeing everyday, because she found out she had a deadly illness for years that her doctor didn't tell her abour and again 3-4am, we got a call she passed away.
2018 was when things got kicked into overddrive. 2018, I lost my maternal grandmother around Thanksgiving....after being so excited to be able to spend Christmas with her after years of only seeing her once or twice a year. 3-4am.
I lost my cat a month later; a year later.
I've always been more or less accepting when it comes to death...
Even as a toddler, I was always acutely aware of it, scared of it, its inevitability and permenance. At 4 years old (maybe even younger), I had nightmares of Death, coming after my parents, me. Of inescaple apocalypses and definite countdowns for me and those closest to me. I thought about far more than any child likely did or should, but when it happened, I'd mourn and then move on... fairly quickly. My paternal grandmother's death definitely changed me in some way. She was the person I was closest to and nothing out of the ordinary happened the day before. She did the exact same thing we did every year. She drove around got things ready for my sister and I for the beginning of school the following day. And then....she was gone. I felt grief...deep grief, but maybe not as deep as I should. I was sad. I mourned. But then I was numb...
And I have been ever since....
With every new death from someone I love, grew up with and was close to, upom hearing the news, I'd mostly just feel numb, maybe cry for a bit and then more or less carry on.
That is until 2021 when my little sister died after guving birth. Nothing in the world could've ever prepared me for burying my little sister. No amount of the death dreams I'd had or even my worst nightmare where she was actually killed in front of me instead of us just waiting for could've prepared me for that being a reality. As always, I couldn't sleep that night no matter what (though that's hardly anything new these days), and then....at 3-4am, I heard my dad on the phone with my mom and found out she was gone....after giving birth a few hours earlier; after being mostly fine during that time.
I've never had a death hit me so hard and I don't think I'll ever recover. And it changed me deeply and permenantly as a person....somewhat for the better, mostly for the worst.
For the better (which is honestly the only thing other than wanting to be happy before I die), I decided to try and make time with those I love and get better about communicating.
Family has always meant a lot to mw, but I've always been an extreme introvert. I've always enjoyed my own company. I've always been not super affectionate. I've always hated talking on phones (it's nearly a phobia). And at family events, I'd say hello, and disappear soon after because I never know how to behave around people. I've always felt awkward and have been told I make others feel awkward, so I'd rather just not be around them. I also severely hate driving (again, to the point of nearly phobia) that I don't unless I ABSOLUTELY have to (and sometimes not even then). This all got worse when I got severely depressed in my late teens and with the social awkwardness came anger and iritial irritability, as well as anger for at my family for more reasons than one; so I isolated further.
But I said, I would get better about communicating with people and....in a way I have, but not enough...
I still avoid phones calls, except every now and then with people I know will keep me on the phone a long time. (My aunt was such a person.) And I've always been bad about calling people, somewhat the reason above, sometimes because I'm usually so depressed that I don't want to ruin anyone's mood, but mostly because I'm just super forgetful. I'd been thinking of calling my aunt for the past few days; just to check on her and always either forgot or didn't because the time didn't seem right. I also had two mugs she'd ask me to get her from California that I never seemed to have time to drop off to her. .....and now I can't and this why I'm so angry.
At myself. Literally what the fuck is wrong with me?
When my sister died, I had been wabting to spend Christmas with her and my niece, but got hit with such a bad depressive episode that I felt I couldn't deal with anything. I had also had a possible exposure to COVID and didn't want to risk her or the baby...but the depression was the real reason. Then came the next when she was supposed to give birth. She asked me (begged me) to be with her to deliver; but I mostly thought she was joking because she joked like that all of the time. I planned to, I really did, but the depression was still horrible, plus I had anxiety about driving as well as trying to help my sister with a toddler, a new baby, a likely destroyed house because her BD was useless while I barely had my own shit together.
And then she died. Alone....something she always said she didn't want. She always saidbshe wanted the chance to say goodbye to her family.
And I let it happen....because I couldn't get over my bullshit... She thought the world of me and I couldn't even be a good big sister, as much as I've always tried to be.
And now, here it is again, I've lost two more people who I couldn't be assed to communicate with. My great aunt died last November and now my aunt is dead the following January....
And my mom has lost a mother and daughter and my father, a daughter and a sister (as well as both parents years earlier) and I feel like I should be doing more to comfort them and....I just don't know how. I've done my best to communicate to them to please call me if they need or want ro, but other than that...I just don't fucking know what else to do. Other than visit them, which I do try to do, but still not nearly enough.
And I'm just the worst person during grief because I don't know what to do, and I'm too emotionally distant and numb to be of any help.
And concieted since this post is about nothing except me bitching about myself and my feelings.
I've always felt like a shitty person and people would always ask me why.
This.
This is why.
And on top of that, I'm just... mad at the universe. Like I said, I'd missed a LOT of time with family because if work....most of my adult life, in fact. I was working to try and make things better for us all, true enough, but at the cost of actual time with them. And the MOMENT. The moment I decide to let that go and am actually EXCITED to spend a holiday with them (I haven't been excited about holidays in decades), it's like they all start dropping.
My grandmother, my cat, my sister, my great aunt, my aunt. And always around this time of year....August-January....a time of year that used to be my favorite. Warm holidays spent with family, lots of family birthdays (including my grandmothers, grandfather, sister, niece, and now nephew), my birthday, and just I love fall and winter in general. Now it's just a time of my depression getting worse and death. Everything about this time has been tainted and ruined and my mind just keeps asking, why now? Why this time of year? Why nearly always that time of night. I know it isn't a curse, and yet it feels like it. My family are good people. They have their flaws, but they're ultimately good people who try to do good by others, yet are still continously dealt shitty cards.
And it's made worse by the fact that most of my family photos, especially those of my immediate family (my mom, full sister, dad, and me) are pretty much all lost. Some because my mom lost a storage unit and others because my grandmother's house was left to rot after she died. (I literally went one day to find some of our family photos thrown in the yard like a pile of trash and that broke me way more than her death did.) I saved what I could and then they still wound up lost after I moved states. My sister had some of them in her apartment but they were all gone when we went to search her apartment....I can only guess her PoS BD either threw them or took them for no reason at all because it's not like he cared for my family or even my sister if we're being honest.
If anything was left in my grandmother's house, I'm pretty sure the tornado a couple of days ago finished it off...
It feels like my family isn't just dying; it's being erased.
So, I'm just angry at everything, especially myself. I just want to crawl in a ball and disappear or just swallow a bottle of pills and be done with it all. I don't want to do that to my parents, but I know I won't survive hearing something happened to them.
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✪ summary: your roommate is keeping you up and you try to take matters into your own hands.
✪ pairing: rocker!yuta x reader; very brief mention of frat boy!jaehyun ehehehe
✪ genre(s): angst, fluff, roommates to lovers
✪ word count: 1.6k words
✪ a/n: hello everyone, i've returned once more to post a fic i've written for my love's, @haechanblr, birthday 🥰 happy happy birthday, my spouse, i hope you had the best day today <3 i love you!! also this is the first time i'm posting for nct aaaaa i hope you all enjoy!!
[1:35 AM.] The screen of your phone illuminates the dark room, and you let out a frustrated groan when you see that it’s already been 40 minutes. And he’s still just tuning his guitar. You shuddered to think how long his subsequent practice might be. You throw the covers over your head in hopes of muffling the electric strums, but you still feel them vibrate through your walls. “You gotta be kidding me,” you mutter to yourself, now layering one of your fluffy pillows on your head without much more luck.
For the past year or so, you considered living with Nakomoto Yuta as one of the best decisions you have ever made. Sure, he could wash his dishes a little more often and sure, he could fix his sleeping schedule so that you don’t wake up at 4am to hear him writing another song for his band. But you didn’t really care about all that; not when he was the one that comforted you through your toughest days. You wouldn’t even have to say anything, and suddenly Yuta would be there with takeout from your favorite ramen place and that dazzling smile of his.
Who knew a rocker with bright red hair and leather jeans could have such a soft side?
You realized about six months ago that you had fallen in love with him; the butterflies that incessantly fluttered every time he brushed past you in the kitchen and your heart that burst every time you made him laugh made no doubt of that. This was a major problem, you had decided. Feelings like these never ended well. Not for you anyway. And you’d be damned if you let them get in the way of having Yuta in your life.
So you pretended like the feelings did not exist. And for the most part, it had worked; you and Yuta lived together as usual. Each day, you got to wake up excited for whatever adventure Yuta would bring into your little apartment without the fear of scaring him away with whatever mess was happening in your chest. Until a month ago when he brought home a stray cat, claiming her name was Brie (after the cheese). At that moment, you knew you had to take extra measures to tame that relentless heart of yours before it got more out of hand.
That’s why you’re here, trying to get some sleep so you could wake up at the ass crack of dawn to go hiking with Jaehyun from your English class. It would be your second date with him, and for a frat boy who isn’t quite your type, he did help you suppress your feelings. You had told Yuta about your early plans, and usually, that would have been enough for him to stay quiet for the night. And yet, you have a strong feeling that you could be in for a long night if you don’t intervene right now.
With a huff, you throw off your covers and pillow and stomp over to the room next door, unceremoniously letting yourself in. His room is messy as always with clothes and instruments strewn about; you don’t even bother trying to navigate it, and instead stay by the door. Yuta, who is sitting on his unmade bed, barely spares you a glance before he’s back to toying with his guitar, only fueling your frustration more.
“Yuta,” you say sternly. He answers with a non-committal hum, which at least gives you the impression that he knows you’re there. “I need to wake up early tomorrow, remember?”
“You do? For what?” he mumbles, most of his focus remaining on his guitar. You gape at him. You had definitely told him about your date over dinner and he had definitely said ‘okay’, or something along those lines. So why the fuck was he being so difficult?
“For my date with Jaehyun? I have to leave early so we can see the sunrise or whatever.”
“Oh.” He frowns at the strings he is still strumming, absolutely refusing to make any type of eye contact with you. “You’re still going to that?”
“I-- yes, I am,” you say, brows furrowed. He is being so weird. “So I would very much appreciate it very much if you could keep it down for tonight, because I’d rather not look like a zombie when I go on my date.”
Finally, Yuta looks up at you, his expression now indiscernible. “Why?”
“I mean, I don’t think it’s odd to want to look nice for a date--”
“No, I mean,” he lets out a sigh, “why are you going out with this guy?”
At this point, all you can do is stare at him incredulously, unable to help the frustration slowly coming to a boil under your skin. “Wha--What do you mean?”
“Do you even like him?” The question hits you like a punch to the gut, leaving you speechless as you scramble for some kind of answer. Suddenly, the air in the room is thick and it slowly seeps into your lungs when you open your mouth to reply, but no words seem to come out. “Well, do you?”
Your mouth feels dry. “W-why does it matter?”
“That isn’t an answer.” It wasn’t, but to you, it really didn’t matter whether you liked Jaehyun or whoever you went on a date with or not. That wasn’t the point. He helped you forget and that was a good enough start for you. But you couldn’t exactly tell Yuta that. Now, your roommate looks straight at you, his gaze piercing you as though it sees right through you. “It’s just… why would you date him if you don’t like him?”
“Who said I didn’t like him?” you retort all too quickly.
At that, Yuta lets out an amused scoff. The smirk he sends your way nearly makes your knees go weak. Why does he have to make this so difficult? “Oh come on. A frat dude? We both know that that’s not your type.”
The intensity of his gaze suddenly causes heat to rise up your neck to your cheeks-- whether it is from irritation or from the fluttering in your stomach, you aren’t quite sure. Either way, there isn’t any denying that Yuta is right, but you couldn’t let yourself fall apart so easily. You barely stammer out a reply. “I-- What if I just wanted to try something new?”
“Look,” Yuta says, setting his guitar aside so he can stand and face you. “It would be fine if you did like him. But you don’t, and that’s what’s been bothering me. Why would you go out with this guy that you clearly don’t like when…”
For the first time since you had met him, you think you see Yuta hesitate. As an aspiring rockstar, Yuta always seemed to ooze confidence no matter what he did, whether it was performing a new song on stage or trying to convince you that he can bake cookies without burning the entire complex down. So the way his voice tapers off and the way his eyes shake while he continues to look at you with that unreadable expression is a foreign sight to you. It makes you want to go to him, to be nearer to him, but you opt to stay in place as always.
To your surprise though, you’re the first to break the silence. You realize that you had been holding your breath. “...When what?”
“When I’m right here.”
You aren’t quite sure what you had expected him to say, but it definitely wasn’t that. The four words, so simple and concise, seem to take ages to process in your head. Are you dreaming? Did you actually fall asleep earlier and this is just some cruel trick your subconscious is playing on you? Does he know the meaning of his words? In your daze, you don’t realize that Yuta has made his way to you, and you nearly gasp when you feel how close he is-- it’s the closest you’ve ever been to him. Though he’s not touching you, you feel the warmth of his body, and for once, you let yourself stay.
“Yuta…” you start, but you’re at a loss for what to say.
“Or have I been imagining this whole year? I… I care so much about you, daisy,” Yuta says earnestly. The way he says his nickname for you is so tender, so sincere, and you realize that this is real. This is happening. “I know we haven’t said anything out loud, but I just thought that we were both feeling something. Was it just me?”
You quickly shake your head, and something in you is courageous enough to take his hand in yours. “I felt it too. I just… I just didn’t want to lose you.”
“Baby, you have me.” There it is again: that breathtaking smile that somehow eases all your worries while also being the very source of them. Slowly, you smile back, unable to process all the emotions rushing through you, and you only realize that you’re crying when Yuta reaches up his free hand to softly wipe your tears away with his thumb. He can’t help but chuckle fondly at the sight of you, and that’s when he says it. “I love you.”
At the moment, you know the only feeling that really matters is the one that you share with him. You sniffle. “I love you, too.” And with that, all of Yuta’s hesitation disappears. He pulls you to him and fits his lips over yours, as though they were meant to be there all this time. You instantly press closer, unable to get enough of the sweet kisses that you must have imagined a hundred times over. You definitely prefer the real thing.
A bit later, you text Jaehyun to let him know that you wouldn’t be able to make it in the morning. You do still end up staying up for the sunrise though, the bright rays gently seeping through the sheer curtains of Yuta’s windows as you lay happily in his arms.
#nct#nct 127#nakamoto yuta#yuta scenarios#yuta angst#yuta fluff#nakamoto yuta scenarios#nct 127 scenarios#nct fanfic#nct scenarios#nct imagines#yuta x reader#i only come here to post the fics i've written for sab#LIFE HAS BEEN BUSY BUT I'M ON MY FEET
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Wrinkly
Sleep is clinging tightly to Jiang Cheng, even as he slowly comes back to awareness.
“My heart,” Jiang Cheng faintly hears someone whisper and then there’s a hand on his head, smoothing his hair back.
Jiang Cheng leans into the contact like a cat.
“My heart, what are you doing here?” Nie Mingjue lowly asks him and Jiang Cheng turns on the couch, curls closer to Nie Mingjue and his soothing voice and he doesn’t mind it much when his eyes won’t quite cooperate enough to open fully.
“Waiting for you,” he mutters and sighs when Nie Mingjue squats down next to the couch, because it brings his wonderful voice closer.
“It’s 4am, my heart,” Nie Mingjue gently chides him, but Jiang Cheng doesn’t mind. “I told you I’d be home late.”
“Wanted to see you immediately,” Jiang Cheng whispers, still more half-asleep than awake but it just serves to make this moment all the sweeter. “Welcome home,” he then tacks on when he finally remembers to say it and Nie Mingjue chuckles.
“You’re so out of it,” he laughs lowly under his breath and Jiang Cheng snuggles more deeply into the couch.
“’s late,” he slurs, a lazy smile stealing over his face when that makes Nie Mingjue laugh again and he just feels warm and comfortable and happy and he doesn’t want to move.
“I would have come find you in our bed just as quickly,” Nie Mingjue tells him, clearly not all that happy that Jiang Cheng fell asleep on the couch, but he also pats Jiang Cheng’s head again, so it can’t be too bad.
“Too long,” Jiang Cheng gives back, still feeling syrup-y slow, but he hums contentedly when Nie Mingjue presses a kiss to his forehead.
“Let’s get you to bed, huh?” Nie Mingjue asks but just the thought of walking to their bedroom is unpleasant and so Jiang Cheng cracks an eye open to peer up at Nie Mingjue.
“Don’t wanna walk,” he whines and then manages to get his hands up, clinging to Nie Mingjue’s shoulders. “Carry me.”
“You’re so goddamn spoilt,” Nie Mingjue says with a shake of his head, but he also slides one arm under Jiang Cheng’s shoulders and the other under his legs, so Jiang Cheng knows that he can’t be too mad.
He would make Jiang Cheng walk if he really were mad, Jiang Cheng knows that from experience.
When Nie Mingjue lifts Jiang Cheng off the couch, Jiang Cheng curls closer towards his chest, his arms securely around Nie Mingjue’s neck and his face buried in his shoulder so he doesn’t even have to see if Nie Mingjue switches on the light somewhere.
A little thrill makes its way through Jiang Cheng at the ease with which Nie Mingjue carries him, because that is something that will surely never get old. Jiang Cheng is so very into the fact that Nie Mingjue is strong enough to just casually carry him wherever he wants to go and he’s even more into the fact that Nie Mingjue likes to indulge him with this.
“You love me for it,” Jiang Cheng mutters, not bothering to check where they are going because he trusts Nie Mingjue and he’s pretty sure that bringing Jiang Cheng to their bed is the only thought on his mind right now.
“I love you for a whole lot of things,” Nie Mingjue gives back immediately and Jiang Cheng’s heart threatens to burst out of his chest, it’s so full of love for this man.
When Nie Mingjue tries to put him down on their bed, Jiang Cheng refuses to release him, because Nie Mingjue will then move away and Jiang Cheng will be cold and lonely in their too big bed, no matter that it will only be a short amount of time until Nie Mingjue comes back.
“You have to let go,” Nie Mingjue sighs out when he realizes what Jiang Cheng is doing, but Jiang Cheng only shakes his head.
“Cold and lonely. Come to bed,” he tries to cajole Nie Mingjue who at least sits down so he can deposit Jiang Cheng on their bed.
“I have to change, my heart,” he lowly tells him, clearly unwilling as well to break the relaxing mood by raising his voice and Jiang Cheng shakes his head again.
“It’s already wrinkly,” he gives back as he tugs on Nie Mingjue’s shirt. “Doesn’t matter.”
“But I feel gross,” Nie Mingjue tells him and it’s unfair, because Nie Mingjue’ comfort might just be the only thing to sway Jiang Cheng’s mind.
“That’s mean,” he complaints, but he also lets go of Nie Mingjue.
Nie Mingjue takes that opportunity to tuck him into bed, the blanket secure around Jiang Cheng who immediately feels sleep tugging at him again.
“Be quick,” Jiang Cheng slurs out, already knowing that he won’t be awake anymore when Nie Mingjue comes back but he has to try anyway.
“I always am,” Nie Mingjue promises him but Jiang Cheng makes an unhappy noise that stops Nie Mingjue in his tracks. “What is it my heart?”
“It’s always too long,” Jiang Cheng complaints, wriggling one hand out from under then blanket and blindly reaching for Nie Mingjue’s hand. “Always too long and too frequently and I don’t like it.”
“I know, my heart,” Nie Mingjue says and squeezes his hand. “We’ll talk in the morning, okay?”
“Don’t wanna talk, wanna cuddle,” Jiang Cheng whispers but his voice trails off on the last word and thinking becomes difficult.
“We will,” he hears Nie Mingjue say, before he moves off the bed and that’s the last thing Jiang Cheng knows for the night.
~*~*~
When Jiang Cheng wakes up the next morning, it’s because he’s well rested and comfortably warm and safely tucked into Nie Mingjue’s arms. Nie Mingjue seems to be asleep still and Jiang Cheng has no intention of waking him up.
He had been asleep at 4am, no matter if it was on the couch or not. Nie Mingjue probably stayed awake all night, because he usually can’t sleep on planes and so he deserves some more rest. Jiang Cheng carefully pulls away just far enough to be able to look at Nie Mingjue and when he does find him still asleep, Jiang Cheng simply cuddles back in.
They normally don’t have enough time to enjoy their mornings, so Jiang Cheng intends to milk it for all it’s worth.
A fond smile steals over his face when Nie Mingjue grumbles in his sleep and pulls him closer again and Jiang Cheng is more than happy to doze off again.
When he wakes for the second time it’s to Nie Mingjue peppering his face with kisses and the first thing Jiang Cheng does is to laugh before he returns the favour.
“Welcome home, my soul,” he says between kisses and Nie Mingjue relaxes into the mattress.
“You already said that last night.”
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll always say it. I have missed you,” Jiang Cheng says, with one more last kiss to the tip of Nie Mingjue’s nose and then he snuggles back into his side, his arms around Nie Mingjue and his head on his shoulder.
“I have missed you, too,” Nie Mingjue says with a sigh and noses at Jiang Cheng’s hair.
Nie Mingjue had only been gone for two days, but Jiang Cheng always misses him when he’s not home. And with how much his job requires him to travel—especially lately—Nie Mingjue isn’t home that much anymore.
“When’s the next trip?” Jiang Cheng asks, even though he knows he’s spoiling the mood with it, but he can’t help it.
He needs to know so he can shower Nie Mingjue in love before he has to leave again.
“Never,” Nie Mingjue says and turns on his side, so he can face Jiang Cheng. “That’s what I wanted to talk about, actually.”
“What do you mean, never?” Jiang Cheng asks, completely taken off guard and Nie Mingjue smiles at him.
“I told them I don’t want to be doing this anymore, and either they find some work for me I can do at the branch in this city or they will get my resignation this week.”
“You didn’t!” Jiang Cheng says because he tried to get Nie Mingjue to do that for a while now, seeing how unhappy and exhausted he constantly was from having to travel all his time—not to mention how unhappy Jiang Cheng himself was with the work Nie Mingjue died—but Nie Mingjue had always been adamant that this is what his job requires him to do, so he couldn’t change it.
“I did,” Nie Mingjue says with a nod and Jiang Cheng kisses him and kisses him again. “They have a job for me here. No more traveling,” Nie Mingjue tells him between kisses and it only prompts Jiang Cheng to kiss him even more.
“I love you so much,” Jiang Cheng breathes out.
“I’ll ask you about that in three weeks. I’ll be working a boring 9-5. I’ll be home every evening. You’ll be sick of me before the month is out,” Nie Mingjue says and though Jiang Cheng can tell that he means it to come off as joking he can hear the underlying tension in Nie Mingjue’s voice.
“That will never happen,” Jiang Cheng says, completely serious. “I can never get sick of you. I love you and I miss you every time you are gone and I will not get sick of you,” he tells Nie Mingjue, who relaxes at his words.
“I hope so,” Nie Mingjue gives back but he also pulls Jiang Cheng back into his arms. “It’s just—it is a bit of a change. I’ve never been home much and now I will be around all the time. I just don’t want you to just endure it without saying anything, alright?”
“Is this because I like being alone?” Jiang Cheng asks, finally seeing where this is going.
“Maybe? You won’t have much chance to be alone again in the future,” Nie Mingjue says and Jiang Cheng knows him well enough to know that he’s grimacing.
“That’s alright,” Jiang Cheng tries to reassure him. “You don’t count for that, anyway.”
“What?”
“You don’t count,” Jiang Cheng says again, trying to figure out how to explain this best. “I can be alone with you present. It’s—I need that time to be away from people. But you don’t count as people. You’re my soul and I can be perfectly alone with you here as well. Maybe I won’t talk much during those times but your presence won’t bother me at all.”
“Are you sure?” Nie Mingjue asks, clearly not completely convinced.
“Absolutely. If I weren’t I wouldn’t have moved in with you,” Jiang Cheng promises him and that seems to do the trick, because Nie Mingjue smiles at him.
“So it’s a high honour that you can be alone with me? That I don’t count as people?”
“The highest there is,” Jiang Cheng gives back and then flops down on Nie Mingjue, knocking the breath right out of him. “And now shut up, I wasn’t done cuddling you.”
“Are you ever?” Nie Mingjue asks, but he also slings his arms around Jiang Cheng who goes boneless on top of him.
“Nope,” Jiang Cheng cheerfully gives back and then revels in the feeling of Nie Mingjue’s heart beating under him and losing himself in the slow and steady rise of his chest.
“I love you,” Jiang Cheng says after a long moment, content to simply lay in silence with Nie Mingjue, but he needs to say it.
He needs Nie Mingjue to know this.
“I know,” Nie Mingjue gives back, clearly knowing exactly what Jiang Cheng needs. “I love you, too.”
“You love me enough to want to be around me all the time,” Jiang Cheng says, quite smug about it, and he shakes when Nie Mingjue laughs under him.
“That I do,” Nie Mingjue agrees and then he manages to press a kiss to Jiang Cheng’s head. “And you do, too.”
“Of course I do,” Jiang Cheng mutters. “Love you more than anything,” he slurs out, right before sleep claims him again, despite how well-rested he felt.
But now that he knows that Nie Mingjue will stay and will not go traveling again, he sleeps even better.
Link to my ko-fi on the sidebar!
#bt writes#mingcheng#the untamed#mdzs#jiang cheng#nie mingjue#modern au#established relationship#fluff#cuddling and snuggling
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