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kingexpl0sionmurder · 4 years

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Missed Connection - Shinsou Hitoshi

Author: @kingexpl0sionmurder Rating: NSFW 18+ Warnings: Unprotected sex, blowjobs, dirty talk, poking fun at fakes who shop at UO and wear band t-shirts for bands they don’t listen to, terrible poetry, Kaminari is a weirdo. Pairing: Shinsou Hitoshi/F!Reader Words: 4,554 AN: This is for the bnharem server collab, the theme is pen pals! We were able to write basically anything as long as there was some kind of communication/writing/texting etc! This is the first time I’ve written for Shinsou and I head cannon him as a fucking closet goth so don’t at me. Collab Masterlist (Please go check out everyone else’s contributions!) My Masterlist Buy me a Ko-fi -- When his phone started ringing, Shinsou was tempted to throw it halfway across the room. Whoever thought it was okay to call him at - he turned to squint at the clock on his bedside table - 10 in the morning on his day off, better have a good excuse. He frowned at the screen once he’d found his phone, and sighed.

“The world better be on fire, Kaminari.” His palm rubbed over his face as he pressed the phone to his ear, his eyes closing again.

The blonde chuckled, full of energy as usual. “Aw, come on ‘Toshi! It’s not that early.”

A million ways he could kill his friend and make it look like an accident flashed through his mind. “You know I like to sleep late on my days off.” He left it at that, no further explanation needed. Kaminari knew he stayed up impossibly late on his off days, crawling under the covers only when the sun started to rise.

“You want to hear this, I promise. I wouldn’t call this early unless it was important.” Shinsou listened to the sound of a keyboard clicking through the phone, waiting impatiently for his friend to continue.

“So, you know how I sometimes like to fuck around on the internet?” This was a rhetorical question. Of course he did. “Well, occasionally I like to browse through Craigslist, and this morning I was in the missed connections section, and I found something interesting.”

“Why do you look through missed connections?” He didn’t really care, he just thought it was kind of...weird. But, then again, this was Denki, so he shouldn’t have been surprised.

Kaminari huffed. “Dude, sometimes it’s so sad to read how they saw someone and thought there was a connection. It makes me wonder if they ever find each other.” He was quiet for a moment like he was deep in thought. “But then sometimes, it’s like ‘You farted in the produce section and I’d still date you, let’s go out’ and it kind of loses the romantic appeal.”

“You’re a sap. Also, gross.” He found himself drifting off, bored with the conversation already. “Do you have a point?”

“God, you’re impatient! Listen, I was scrolling through the ads and I found this one, I think you should hear it.” Clearing his throat, he began to read.

“You were the sleepy purple-haired man in the cat cafe on Main, I was hiding behind an orange tabby by the window. I was staring, but I wasn’t trying to be creepy. You just looked kind of lost, and the black and white short hair on your lap seemed to have all your attention. Oh, I think his name is Socks. Isn’t that unoriginal? Anyway, I’ve seen you there a few times and I want to know more about you. If you see this, please respond.”

Shinsou sat up in his bed, ignoring the sharp pain of his muscles protesting at the sudden movement. “What the fuck?”

“This is about you, isn’t it?” Denki’s excitement was clear. “You’re the only sleepy guy with purple hair I know who frequents that cat cafe on Main Street.”

“How long ago was that posted?” Hitoshi felt strange, restless energy flowing through him. Someone had noticed him and decided that he was interesting enough to want to get to know? He wasn’t anything special, and he kept to himself mostly. What did this even mean?

“Last night! When did you go to the cafe?” He didn’t even wait for a response. “I’m forwarding this post to you, and you better send them an email! It’s been too long since you’ve dated someone, ‘Toshi, and I’m concerned.”

Unfortunately feeling more awake than he wanted to be, Shinsou shifted until his feet were on the floor. “Yesterday afternoon. And it hasn’t been that long.”

“It’s been like a year, dude.” Kaminari sighed. “Okay, I sent it. Please write back to them. Let me live vicariously through you in this weird turn of events.”

Shinsou sighed and said goodbye, ending the call and staring off into space for a minute. He needed coffee before he could even think about reading it for himself and then maybe responding.

Uh, hello.

I can’t help but feel like this was about me? I’m not even really sure what to say. This feels weird. You could have come over and said hi, maybe. I don’t bite. I might have stared at you and made things awkward but I feel like it would have been a surefire way to talk to me instead of posting this on craigslist of all places and expecting me to see it.

You’re lucky I have a friend who likes to scour the dark recesses of the internet for entertainment purposes and happened upon this post.

-Shinsou

How do I know this is really the person I’m talking about? What were you wearing when you went to the cafe? That’s like the only way I can be sure you are who you say you are.

The only reason I didn’t come over and talk to you was that I had Oliver on my lap and he is a grump and didn’t want me to get up until he was good and ready. (That’s the orange tabby’s name, by the way.) By the time I was able to coax his fat ass off of me you had gone.

Honestly, I’d let those cats climb all over me like their own personal cat tree all day long and not complain about it, but I digress.

I didn’t expect you to find this or reply, it was kind of my way of convincing myself that I’d given it a shot, even though I really hadn’t done much.

-Y/N

I was wearing the following:

A Joy Division t-shirt depicting the cover of Unknown Pleasures, which is arguably the most cliche t-shirt I own. It’s become one of those shirts that people wear who have no idea who Joy Division is, they just like it for the aesthetic. (I’ll have you know I happen to know who they are and like their music very much.) This shirt was more than likely covered in cat hair.

Black jeans, which were probably covered in cat hair as well.

Black boots, a staple of mine.

I am a closet goth. I don’t know what else to say. I won’t deny it. I’ve learned to embrace who I am. I happen to know that Oliver is a grumpy shit, so I am not surprised he kept you pinned down for so long. That cat has been known to knock people over and purr loudly while “making biscuits” on their chests for hours at a time. I’m glad to know that you survived his assault.

So what are you going to tell me about yourself now? I have confessed to you about my goth status, so I demand something in return.

-Shinsou

Yeah, it was you.

I was hoping that you actually liked Joy Division and you weren’t one of those Urban Outfitters aesthetic people. I can now rest easy. I like them too, but I really like New Order more? I hope this isn’t the end of our budding friendship.

I will not say that I am a goth, though I have goth-like tendencies? Or I just appreciate the music. Whatever. I don’t have, like, a pet bat or anything. I own a pair of Doc’s, though.

I have been on the receiving end of one of Oliver’s attacks before, so you don’t have to tell me about them. I have experienced his pushy demeanor on more than one occasion.

So, something about me? I don’t know. I spend a lot of time in that cafe because I love cats, but that’s kind of a given, isn’t it? I usually bring my laptop and make an attempt to work on my homework, but it’s usually futile. I’d rather pet the cats.

Oh, I guess that counts as something right? I go to college. I’m an English major and taking a fuck ton of creative writing courses. What about you?

-Y/N

An English major? That sounds like fun. I think if I had a need to go to college I’d have liked to take something like that. I have a friend who writes ultra depressing Gothic poetry, that would be right up his ally as well.

I’m a pro hero, hence why I didn’t need college. Saving people is something I’ve always wanted to do, especially since I was always bullied about my quirk as a kid. It kind of made me more determined, I always wanted to prove those assholes wrong, you know? So, here I am.

I’m glad to know we can wear matching Doc’s together, and that you don’t keep a bat as a pet. As cute as their faces are, they’re not very easily domesticated.

New Order is fine. The real question is, The Smiths or The Cure? Your answer to this question will be what determines the longevity of our friendship.

-Shinsou

This is the worst question you could ever ask me. How could you do this? I could never choose between them. Both? The answer is both.

I hope your next email will not be your last.

Bats are cute but they always seem to dive bomb my head when they’re around. Not that I go places with bats often, but I used to go camping as a kid and they always did that. It was not a good time.

I think it’s amazing that you’re a pro hero! You’re really out here, fighting the bad guys and saving people and then coming into the cat cafe and petting kittens and drinking coffee like a normal person. I think it’s admirable how hard you worked to achieve your dream. I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’m proud of you. Why were you bullied for your quirk? You don’t have to answer that if it makes you uncomfortable.

I wish I could write ultra depressy Gothic poetry. Here let me try:

The night is black like my soul Clove cigarettes burn slowly My life is Meaningless

How was that? Do I get a gold star? Or a black skull? Which is appropriate?

-Y/N

I’m printing that and sending it to Tokoyami. Thank you for making my entire existence with that poem. I’m breaking out the red wax candles and putting on “How Soon Is Now?” right now.

You get a star, but it’s a pentagram. We have to keep with the theme.

My quirk has to do with mind control, so I was always told I was meant to be a villain. You can imagine what that could do to a kid’s psyche, being told by peers and adults alike that you weren’t hero material, when that’s all you wanted. It’s okay though, I did what I wanted and they can eat my ass.

Sorry if that was too raunchy, but it’s how I feel.

If my earlier comment wasn’t proof enough, I prefer The Smiths, but I cannot deny the impact of Disintegration. Lullaby is a really great song.

That being said, this will not be my last email, so you can breathe easy.

On a semi serious note, I really enjoy talking with you. We have a similar sense of humor, and you like cats which makes you automatically better than most people. Would you like to get coffee sometime? I know a nice place that’s quiet and filled with fluffy kittens...

-Shinsou

—

I’m glad I haven’t lost your friendship due to my opinion. I know how important that feud can be to some people. People get very passionate about it. Kind of like with Blur versus Oasis, or Brand New versus Taking Back Sunday. I hate that these are the only examples I can think of.

It wasn’t too raunchy. Those people can most definitely eat your ass. I’m glad you have decided to use your powers for good. You’ll have to explain to me how your quirk works sometime.

I shall treasure my shiny pentagram sticker with my entire heart.

Isn’t Tokoyami the Jet Black Hero: Tsukuyomi? He looks like the type to write Gothic poetry. I am not even mildly surprised.

Even though the way we met was unconventional, I’d like to think I’d have gotten up the courage to speak to you the next time I saw you in the cafe. Somehow this is better, though. It makes for an interesting story, you know?

I’d love to get coffee. I think I know the place you’re talking about. Let me know when.

-Y/N

—

Shinsou was nervous. It was stupid really. He’d been exchanging emails back and forth with you for a few days, and even though you’d barely revealed much about each other, the easy banter through your messages was comforting. He felt like the two of you would be compatible. He just hoped that he was able to keep the conversation going in real life.

When he entered the cafe, he ordered his usual and picked his normal table towards the back. Socks, his favorite black and white companion, was at his side almost immediately. He let his hand drift down to scratch behind her ears, his gaze fixed on the door as he waited for you to arrive.

Out of habit he was a little early, but he figured it would be easier this way. He had no idea what you looked like, but you knew him, so he knew you’d come over when you got there, and it would make things less awkward.

A few minutes later he saw the door open, and he immediately knew it was you. Black Doc’s and thigh high stockings, a black skirt and an oversized deep red sweater adorned your body, a leather jacket over your shoulders and your hair tucked under a black beanie, cheeks pink from the chill of the autumn weather outside. You were pretty, and he felt his nerves increase tenfold when your eyes met his, a smile gracing your face.

He watched as you ordered a drink at the counter, the paper cup clutched in your hands as you made your way to his table. He stood up when you approached, letting himself appreciate you up close. “Y/N?”

“Hi, Shinsou.” You were so much shorter than he was, and he found himself having to gaze down at you when he was standing at his full height.

“It’s nice to put a face to all those emails.” The way you blushed under his attention made his heart flip. “Please, sit.”

You nodded, sliding into the seat across from him. He sat back down, his hands moving to grip his coffee cup.

“This is kind of weird, isn’t it?” You looked down when Oliver made his way over, rubbing himself against your boot. “I almost feel like I don’t know what to say.”

“I know what you mean. We could just sit here and email each other, if that would make you feel better.” Your laugh was like music to his ears. “I’d rather hear your voice though.”

Your face was red when you looked back up at him. “I have to agree.” You leaned your elbow on the table, your cheek cradled in your palm. “Tell me more about yourself, Shinsou.”

“It’s Hitoshi. You can call me Hitoshi.”

—

If anyone would have told him that the night would end this way, he’d have said they were insane, and should probably get themselves checked into the nearest institution.

But here he was, his face pressed into the spot where your neck and shoulder met, lips ghosting over soft skin, his calloused palms sliding underneath your sweater. You were purring, your head thrown back and your fists clenched in his t-shirt, your back pressed against the wall in the hallway that led to his bedroom.

“Fuck, ‘Toshi.” You mumbled, pressing yourself closer to him. “Bed?”

You didn’t have to ask twice, his hands sliding down to lift you up by the backs of your thighs, his cock hard and straining in his jeans as you rutted against him. He turned himself and began walking toward his room blindly, his eyes still shut as he sucked a mark into your neck.

He pulled back so he could peer over your shoulder and maneuver your bodies through the doorway without bumping into anything, laying you back on the bed.

The events of the night were a blur, your coffee date turned into him taking you out for ramen at the restaurant down the street, and then he asked you back to his apartment to show you his record collection.

It was mostly a ruse though. You’d been flirting back and forth, the both of you getting bolder as the night went on. He was only half surprised when you’d entered his apartment, barely removing shoes and coats and hats before you spun around on him, pressing him against the door and kissing him like your life depended on it.

He rested on his forearms, poised above you, looking over your flushed face and kiss bruised lips. Your legs wrapped around his waist and pulled his hips closer, making him groan. “Impatient?”

Your hands moved to cup his face, pulling him down toward you. “Very.”

He wasn’t expecting your strength, caught off guard when your lips crashed into his, your body pushing him over until he was on his back and you were straddling him, knees on either side of his hips. You ground down against him, moaning when his hips snapped up reflexively. He was happy to give you control for a while, especially when you sat up and grabbed the bottom of your sweater and pulled it over your head. The view was spectacular.

He let his hands wander, tracing along the lines of your thigh highs from under your skirt, and up to the lace at your hips. Your chest heaved as you tried to catch your breath, the devilish glint in your eye was not lost on his as you shifted down his body, fingers swiftly working to unclasp his belt and undo the button on his jeans.

You slid off of him, and he lifted his hips to aid you in pulling his pants down his legs, his boxers following. His cock was achingly hard, the tip angry and red as it sprung free from it’s confines, nearly slapping his stomach. You eyed it greedily, and he was lost for words when you surged forward, delicate fingers wrapping around his length and stroking him, your tongue peeking out to taste him.

Amethyst eyes rolled back when you took the tip in your mouth, tongue swirling around the head, a low moan sounding from the back of your throat. The warmth and wetness that surrounded his cock when you closed your eyes and bobbed forward had him breathless, his hand threading through your hair, and his palm resting on the back of your head. He kept himself steady, fighting back the urge to buck his hips and push you down further on his length.

Shinsou bit down on his lower lip, his stomach muscles tensing as he tried to keep it together. Kaminari had been right, it had been a while since he’d been with someone, and he wanted this night to last as long as possible. The sweet and innocent look in your eyes as you looked up at him through your lashes, your mouth enveloping him all the way to base, was nearly too much for him to handle, his hand tugging at your hair gently to pull you off of him. “I’m not going to last if you keep that up, kitten.”

You visibly shivered at the pet name and he grinned, loving the feeling of being able to invoke that reaction from you. He scooted forward when you sat back on your knees between his spread legs, his arms circling your torso as he worked at the clasp on your bra, pulling the straps down your arms when he unclipped it. Strong hands gripped your waist and moved you to the side as he stood up, reaching under your skirt to tug your panties down your legs.

He took a moment to consider what he’d do next. He wanted to taste you, it was only right for him to return the favor, and he was almost certain you would taste as sweet as you looked. Another part of him wanted to hike up your legs around his waist and slam inside of you, desperate to hear you moan his name as he pounded you into the mattress. As he contemplated what to do, reached back and pulled his shirt over his head, and then let his hands wander up to the apex of your thighs, digits sliding through your folds. You gasped, falling back onto your elbows, back arching as he toyed with your clit, letting his long fingers slip inside your heat. “So wet. Just for me?” Eyebrows raised, he teased you.

“Fuck, Hitoshi, please.” Breathless and panting, you gazed up at him, biting your lip.

“Please what? Tell me what you want.” You would make the decision for him. “Would you like my mouth or my cock? I’ll let you choose.”

Huffing, your hips rutted against his hand impatiently. He kneeled on the bed between your legs, adjusting his arm and adding a second finger in with the first, his thumb finding your bundle of nerves again. He listened to your breath hitch, and your quiet mewls, pride filling his chest that he was the one coaxing those noises out of you. Finally, you breathed deep and answered him. “Fuck me, Hitoshi.”

Ignoring the protesting whine that left your lips when he removed his fingers, he brought them up to his mouth, maintaining eye contact with you as he sucked on them, tasting you. “You’re delicious, kitten. I’ll have to make sure to taste you properly later.”

Wasting no time, he lifted your legs up to rest your legs over his shoulders, one hand on his cock. He lined himself up with your entrance, grabbing at your hips and pushing himself inside you. If he thought your mouth was hot and wet and basically everything he thought was heaven, he was mistaken. This was it. This was everything. He wasn’t even inside you all the way and he was fighting back the need to cum again, cursing himself and breathing deeply. He leaned forward, forearms on either side of your head as his mouth crashed against yours, all lips and tongues and teeth, his need for you growing tenfold as you wiggled your hips in an attempt to feel more of him.

Groaning, he bucked forward, filling you up, the both of you sighing in relief at the feeling. He gave you a moment to adjust, lips moving down your jaw and tongue laving at the mark he’d left on your neck earlier. “You feel so good, kitten.”

“Toshi, you can move…” Your hands were gripping his biceps, nails leaving crescent shapes in his pale skin, breathing ragged as you clenched around him.

Hissing, he followed your instructions, hips pulling back until he was almost completely out, before sliding back in. Your arousal made the glide easy, your back arching underneath him. He started a steady rhythm, grunting quietly and letting the feeling of you pulsing around him keep him grounded. He let one of his hands wander, shifting his weight so he could ghost his palm over your side, fingers pinching your nipple and rolling the hardened bud between them. You keened, chanting his name like a prayer, the sound of blood pounding in his ears almost masking the sound.

It spurred him to move faster, his chest tight, sweat pooling at his temples and between his shoulder blades, purple locks sticking to his forehead. His gaze was locked on you, and it stole his breath. Your chest and neck were flushed, the most beautiful sounds spilling from your lips as he fucked into you. It became clear to him that he wasn’t going to last much longer, and neither were you.

“Hey, kitten. You gonna cum for me?” He shifted back to his knees and trailed the fingers on his left hand down your stomach, coming to rest between your parted legs. “I want to hear how pretty you sound when you come apart.” He kept a firm grip on your hip to keep you from sliding away, rolling his hips and rubbing tight circles on your clit.

“Fuck, Hitoshi!” The effect was almost immediate, your body and lungs seizing, eyes rolling back as you fell over the edge, your cunt clenching around him like a vice.

Falling back over you, his thrusts became sloppy as he chased his own release, barely able to move with how tight your pussy was gripping him, your orgasm still rolling through you. He felt your hands on his face, guiding him to kiss you again, fingers carding through his hair and down his back, your nails raking red trails down his back. He felt like he could barely breathe, lost in you. “Y/N…”

He felt his muscles tense, and moved to bury his face in your neck, his hips stilling as he came hard, filling you up with his release. You squeezed around him again, and he sighed into your skin, eyes closed as he tried to regulate his breathing.

Rolling over to the side, he hissed when he pulled out. You chuckled, and he turned to look at you, a lazy smile on his face. “What?”

“Is that what you call showing me your record collection?”

Snorting, he propped his head up on his palm, leaning on his elbow, his free hand reaching out to push a piece of hair away from your face. “You attacked me, remember?”

“I couldn’t help it!” Protesting, you blushed. “I wanted to kiss you from the moment I walked into the cafe.”

It was his turn to blush. “Yeah?”

Shrugging, you turned on your side to face him. “Mm. Can you do me a favor?”

His body was still buzzing, muscles loose and pliant as he shuffled closer to you. “Anything.”

“Can you thank your friend for being a weird internet troll and finding my post?”

Shinsou coughed a laugh, leaning forward to rest his forehead against yours. “Please, I can’t do that. It’s all he’d ever talk about for the rest of our lives if I did.”

You leaned up and kissed him, your fingers pushing back his hair.

He hummed against your lips, feeling content, shifting himself on the bed and wrapping his arms around your waist, tugging you into him. “Maybe I’ll send him a text later. For now, I have other plans.”

Kaminari’s phone buzzed on the coffee table, and he picked it up, eyes widening at the message that appeared on the screen.

Toshi: I owe you a crate full of Pokemon cards and my eternal gratitude for being a weirdo meme king who trolls the internet.

Denki: Oh, you’re in a good mood. Did you get laid?

Toshi: Fuck all the way off.

Denki: That’s a yes. You’re welcome.

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uncurlinglikeflowers · 3 years

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Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well.

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked.

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things.

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure.

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance.

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before.

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him.

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay.

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways.

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts.

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most.

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval.

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family.

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general.

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me.

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles.

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek.

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life?

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride.

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today.

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process.

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection.

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us.

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

#pride #gay #lgbt #journaling #love #queer #coming out #coming out stories #queer trauma #adolescent trauma #self love #healing #trauma

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0bianidalas · 4 years

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i was tagged by @honestlyfrance. thanks for this, it’s so much fun!

WHICH OF YOUR FICS…

…did you think would get a bigger reaction/audience than it got?

writing for buckyrhodey it’s a guarantee that i’ll get low reaction but my on-going baby Distant Stars it’s a monster of a SteveTony fic disguised behind a so-far false pretense that is a shared fic with BuckyRhodey.

…got a better reaction than you expected?

definitely my previously (as of, literally a few days ago) most kudo’ed work, The Mess That We’ll Become (leaves something to talk about) for the Élite fandom. Not only did I not expect to get that much attention because the fandom is arguably smaller than other fandoms I had written for so far but also because not a lot of people seemed to be into the MMF ship the fic is about lol

…is your funniest?

i consider myself to be a very fluffy, funny-crack fic writer so almost all my works have some sort of funny bit or dialogue here and there but if I had to pick the funniest it would be both of the series of the Holy Trinity and their Token White Guy: The One With The Back-Seat Drama, The One With The Lousy Method To Help Sleep, aaand this WiP I don’t know if I’ll ever pick up but sigh, it had a couple of really funny three chapters

…is your darkest or angstiest?

i don’t usually write too angsty or heavy fics bc it’s tiring to get in that mindset now but years ago I guess I was more into it and I wrote You’re Still Written In The Scars On My Heart, which still has a happy ending anyway, bc that’s who I am as a person. Also, I think Until We Meet Again bc I was coming from the Endgame trainwreck and it hurt to write.

ps. I am in the process of writing yet my angstiest fic as a continuation of my last buckyrhodey fic and I’m really excited abt pushing myself further with that.

…is your absolute favourite?

Now, what kind of question to ask a writer is that? It’s like asking a parent to pick between children. That being said, I do have favorites but never just One favorite bc no.

Reason Why (if only because it was the first lenghty -by my standards- fic I managed to finish)

Distant Stars (bc duh, I’ve been working on it for longer than two years now)

I've never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss (bc even though it’s a little plot-less AU, I think it’s a testament to how much I think I’ve improved in my writing)

…was easiest to write?

I think To All The Boys Rhodey’s Loved Before was pretty easy because I just had to take from the bits of the movie that worked for me and then the scenes I added for this own AU came to me from the beginning so I never really struggled with anything to write this.

…was hardest to write?

Smut is my absolute kryptonite when it comes to writing something so the begining of I’ve never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss was a Challenge (tm), as well as a few others of my early BuckyRhodey stuff.

…has your favourite lines/exchange/paragraph? (Share it!)

ok, I’m going to INDULGE myself with this lmao:

“Blood-filled hands like his don't get to hold such precious things.” -- from I Love You (ain't that the worst thing you've ever heard?)

“What a pair we are,” Rhodey says, amused.

“What a pair we are,” Bucky says, in love. -- from Reason Why

“It’s somewhat astonishing —Rhodey muses as he watches the TV in the American embassy unfold the current events happening at the Vienna International Centre — how fast can shit hit the fan.” -- from All Misinformation Open To Interpretation

“Stark is dead and it definitely sucks more than Steve fucking off to another universe to retire. But gone is gone, no matter how you slice it. And it takes miserable and lonely to know miserable and lonely.” -- from Until We Meet Again

“He was being touched with the uttermost care, kissed by soft lips. He was being wanted as if he was brand-new and unscarred.

Rhodey had managed to caress and love every corner of him that Bucky swore he would hate. Rhodey had proven him wrong.” -- from (I've been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night) And now I see daylight

“Even shit-faced, Carla Rosón Caleruega was a sight to see.” -- from Hesitate

And from my last few works:

“Life’s about the little steps. From holding your own head up to your first movements crawling, to standing up and falling until you walk. From talking to reading to writing. From pre-school to high school to college.

From falling in love to falling into your grave.” -- from I've never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss

“Alex really thought they could’ve made it work before, but as they got older he just realized he and Luke weren’t as birds of a feather as they once were.

And soon it became either their dream or their relationship and they both agreed on something, after all.

Even as he broke both of their hearts, Alex knew he would love Luke forever. He just wasn’t sure about how.

Luke was kept busy writing, Alex was kept busy playing-pretend with his family and Church camp.

But they didn’t drift apart, could never have been able to, so they just had to endure a few awkward weeks of uncomfortable silence and bitter arguments about the band.

Until Alex and Luke were fifteen, and Reggie came blasting into their lives like a saving grace.” -- from Time Will Stand Still (if we stay young in love)

…have you re-read the most?

definitely Distant Stars. Each time I get a writers block or I get bummed out about writing it, I re-read it to find my motivation again

…would you recommend to someone reading your work for the first time?

lmao i really dont know. probably Hesitate or the last three fics I’ve posted for the Julie and the Phantoms fandom. Also, I've never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss just bc my beta readers did an amazing job with me on that one.

…are you most proud of?

Again, I would have to say Distant Stars. The amount of time I’ve put on that fic and love I’ve poured it’s like no other. It’s the one work I keep going back to.

I really have no idea who to tag now bc i’ve lost touch with so many of my mutuals who also write so idk, IF YOU SEE THIS AND YOU’RE A WRITER: I’M TAGGING YOU! DO IT, IT’S SUPER FUN!

#tag game #karen writes shitty fanfiction #my writing #honestly i love writing idc that mine isnt the best out there it's just a great form of escapism and #idk who id be without it #about me

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meggannn · 4 years

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Thoughts and analysis on Gen. Armstrong (if you don't mind)

oh absolutely. a lot of this is speculation on my part, but it’s just my reading and theories on how she kind of came to be who she is.

so i vibe with armstrongs being a very traditional, patriarchal family in a very old-fashioned country. they had four daughters, olivier being the oldest and (arguably) most capable, but alex, the second youngest kid but only son, was the one chosen to lead the family. i think that olivier carried a lot of the burdens of being the oldest sibling and oldest daughter.

maybe olivier was the first daughter in the armstrong family in a long list of sons? i like that idea because it kind of has the opportunity harden her to the world as a kid, in my mind. a lot of excitement for the firstborn in an illustrious family, and… it’s a girl. ugh. okay, well, we’ll try again.

except i think olivier really decided to just start doing whatever she thought a male firstborn would get to do, taking her studies seriously, preparing to be the armstrong heir, and her family just kinda sighed and didn’t take her seriously. when she joins the military, i am going to bet that she either had to fight for it, or there was a lot of familial backlash/tsking between her parents because ~a woman shouldnt be in the army~ (i am operating under the belief she’s the only female officer to ever make it to general, because to my recollection i don’t think we’ve ever seen another female officer as high or higher than her). and when alex follows her to the military years later, i’m going to bet she was L I V I D when their parents were like “well of course, he’s the oldest son, he’s going to make us proud.” there were screaming matches of epic proportions when she joined, and when he does, it’s all fine. (even alex as an adult isn’t entirely rid of sexism when he asks when she’s ever gonna change her attitude so she can get a husband. and when she challenges his right to head the family, he arguably loses because he underestimated her. although i’m also going to chalk part of that up to the fact that although alex wanted to head the family, he didn’t NEED to win as badly as olivier needed to, because she needed to kick their family out and use the mansion to house her troops to prepare for the promised day. that’s the kind of person she is, “i need this to happen and so it will happen, i will give myself no other option.”)

i don’t think that olivier is the kind of person who pushes her limits to try to “prove” anything to other people; maybe she started by trying to mostly prove it to herself, but it eventually just became who she is. no nonsense. very protective, but maybe tired of taking care of kids/siblings. highly capable, very savvy. perfect for briggs. i think she takes her role as their leader VERY seriously. she knows she’s earned it, and up north defending the border, she sees how every person matters.

i’ve always wondered if there’s something in how olivier is stationed at briggs, the furthest possible post away from central. i don’t think it’s to get away from anything, exactly; it does seem like the best job suited for her. i think partly this represents her physical distance and distain for politics: she clearly looks down on mustang, possibly because he’s a state alchemist, and maybe part of it is for his reputation of being an annoying flirt who can charm his way up the ranks while maybe she had to fight for every rank she earned, though i think also part of it is because she thinks he’s naive to join the very system he’s trying to abolish. but as we see in late show, she’s not terrible at the politics and backstabbing, i think she just doesn’t like to deal with bullshit. she’s a very blunt person. she’ll play chess if she has to, clearly, but when she pulls the sword on the room full of officers, you know she’s been waiting MONTHS to do that.

she also doesn’t like alchemy. i’ve always wondered if there’s a reason behind this – the wiki says “she views [equivalent exchange] as a mindset promoting easy handouts and unnecessary compromise” so i’m guessing she doesnt like philosophies that base themselves around quid pro quo agreements, especially since it leads very easily to corruption. the armstrongs are a very noble family that take that sort of thing seriously. i think she’s smart enough to realize alchemy is often NECESSARY, but the state alchemists themselves are… ugh. difficult to deal with and probably almost always really bossy. and think they’re so fuckin special. and also all male. so it’s no wonder she doesn’t give a shit about edward elric, some kid who shows up with no warning with a letter from her annoying brother, asking for her help.

so already she has a chip on her shoulder about alex: he’s a younger sibling she had to take care of; he’s a younger BROTHER who got more support and fewer roadblocks than she did for achieving (or even wanting) the same things way before he ever did; he’s also an alchemist, and state alchemist. she’d see that as annoying at best and borderline dishonorable at worst.

and then ishval.

so for the record, i fully believe that by the events of canon, olivier’s intense disgust for alex for his “cowardly” actions in ishval is mostly, if not entirely, an act. i think it’s EASY for her to act like it’s real, because she struggles with real feelings of hostility and annoyance toward alex for the reasons above, and she WOULD probably think he’s a poor soldier for defying orders…… but would she openly advocate for genocide? she’s not perfect, but i don’t think that of her. but she lets absolutely none of that internal questioning show on the outside. externally? “my brother is a disgrace. he failed to protect this country. if i were head of the family, i’d dishonor him publicly.” and alex, you know, i think he sees past this, a little? he knows she has to say these things otherwise she’d lose her reputation and might also be demoted, given she’s on a rickety foundation as a woman general as is. she doesn’t have to be so passionate about her opinions, but she might also have gained a target on her back by his actions in ishval; maybe they’d assume she had ishvallan sympathies because he was her brother. so she’s already got enough baggage against alex, and he inadvertently dumps some more political bullshit on her back just because he didn’t do his job. i think she’d say the things she did to distance herself from alex, not because she’s angry with him or disappointed in him (though there is a bit of that, but for unrelated reasons), to keep her position. she’s very ruthless politically. you could question the morality of this, like i do, but i don’t entirely blame her for feeling like she could lose her position as the only female general in charge of defending a politically hot border position.

fma has a rather annoying “we don’t see color” attitude wrt race at times, but in the case of olivier, whose attitude after all the years in briggs is “we literally cannot afford to be prejucide, there are so few capable people here, and if someone works, they are part of the team and will be treated with respect, full stop” it makes sense why she’d say what she said to miles. it’s not that i think she’s an ishvallan activist behind the scenes because of her lieutenant, but i think she knows the “war” was complete horseshit and fully respects his bitter feelings toward the amestrian government.

privately, though, i think olivier knows clearly that this country is messed up, before “the shape of this country.” but she has a very powerful family, and it’s hard to completely renounce that dedication. she still loves amestris a lot. she feels very protective of the people she’s defending, even if she doesn’t like them very much.

i respect that she swallows her pride, gives up briggs, and joins the political battle in central when it becomes clear that that’s the best way to get to the center of the matter. imo she and roy mustang teaming up, unnoticed, in the heart of the beast could have made an amazing combo, but ofc she’d never let that happen lmao. she is a good person without being a nice person. that’s refreshing. she’s ruthless, pragmatic, ambitious, angry, untrusting, and kind of an asshole, and yet you never doubt that she is, at heart, honorable and trustworthy. she will tell you what she thinks of you. she hates lying. but she will cave and do what the people of amestris needs her to do; we see she IS able to separate her government from her country. i think she always knew, but the events of the show are kind of her “put up or shut up” moment to stand up and show where her loyalties really are, and she delivered. she’d be offended if you ever even thought she might choose differently.

i love olivier a lot because she doesn’t have an arc in the traditional sense; her personality and position don’t change much from the time we meet her to the last time we see her. her biggest change is that she lets herself show pride in her brother, or maybe she’s able to admit that she’s proud of him in the first place. i think for her, that’s enough. i also really, really like that she’s not shown as someone who NEEDS to change. she’s allowed to be an angry, confident, strong woman in charge of a fort who likes things the way she likes them and expects you bend to her rules in her fort or you will leave. i think it’s a great accomplishment and testament to the writing and acting to show that she is not nice, and not always likable, but you never question she is a good person.

#olivier mira armstrong #Anonymous #askbox #megan talks about fma

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always-la-belle-epoque · 5 years

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hi what is mash and why do you love it so much because i need to know if i need to love it too thanks

Hello, anon! It took a bit because I wanted to put time into my answers, so here you are!

What Is M*A*S*H:

M*A*S*H is a tv show about doctors/nurses stationed at a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (M*A*S*H) unit on the frontlines of the Korean War. The show focuses on the medical staff as they desperately try to save the lives of young soldiers. Many of the doctors are draftees and they are faced with trying to cope with the horror of a war they want no part of and that is the absolute antithesis to their professional calling. They fight against death every day, struggle against military bureaucracy, and try to keep their sanity. Often that deep stress is released in humor, practical jokes, and wildly unmilitary antics, but the true costs and realities of war are never treated lightly. I’ve never seen another show that can make me laugh so hard and then turn on a dime to make me cry just as deeply a second later. The show is a beautiful examination of human nature, heart, found family, loss, helplessness, despair, exhaustion, humanity, and hope,.

M*A*S*H ran for 11 years, from 1972-1983 and the finale, Goodbye, Farewell and Amen, is still the most-watched television broadcast in history (the NYC sewer nearly faced collapse because people would all flush the toilet at the same time during commercials, and the streets were totally empty of cars as over half the country, 150+ mil people, watched the finale live together all at the same time. Can you imagine?!). Plus, it’s been in continuous syndication for 45 years which is impressive. M*A*S*H is for all generations, it resonates far beyond the era in which it was made, or which it was made about.

Why Do I Love M*A*S*H So Much (in general):

I don’t think there is another show out there in the history of the world that has written such narratively wonderful, deeply moving character arcs. I don’t know if there’s another show out there where the characters grow so much from their relationships with one another. Or a show that depicts masculinity in such a healthy, tender way. It is normal on M*A*S*H for male characters to: Cry. Hug. Tuck each other in. Hold hands. Perform emotional labor. Actively listen. Dance together. Sleep with teddy bears (and not have it be a joke). Admit they were wrong. Change and grow from being wrong. Etc, etc.

And while Major Margaret Houlihan is the only female lead, her character arc is the most beautiful of any character I have ever watched or read. The show doesn’t start out particularly feminist, but it definitely ends that way (both male and female characters evolve here and it’s wonderful). And if more tv shows had characters half as complex as Margaret Houlihan, tv would be a whole lot more interesting, and women would be a whole lot farther along toward equality, imo.

Why Do I Love M*A*S*H So Much (the personal):

I was 15 or 16 when I started watching M*A*S*H. I was going through a very dark time in my home life. But my Mom would usually have M*A*S*H on while making dinner or just after. It was their weird time of day where it seemed like a truce between us. Sometimes I’d even sit all 5’8 of my gangly teenage body on her lap and we’d just watch like that with her arms around me (which given that things were darkly terrible the rest of the time it was like being a small kid again in a way I really needed). We’d talk about the characters. We’d talk about the stories. We both loved Margaret Houlihan (it’s interesting that Margaret has the most valuable traits I learned from my Mom - things I like most about her and am grateful she taught me despite all the bad stuff).

Soon I was racing home after school and jamming in a blank VHS so that I could record each ep. I’d cross reference between tv guide and IMDB to try to see if any eps that I hadn’t seen yet would be on so I could record them for my collection. I made an elaborate cataloging system because they weren’t shown in order! And some eps were shown only rarely!! (I’m only 28, it amazes me that this was how things were not that long ago lol).

Anyway, the DVD box set came out and I saved up alllllll my $ for it. Thank goodness, because then I got sick and for a few years the M*A*S*H characters were the most consistent and truest friends I had. The show is deeply personal for me. I can watch it over, and over, and over. It makes me laugh, and weep, and cheer. It’s like having friends. Like having family.

Should You Love M*A*S*H too?

I want you to love M*A*S*H. I want everyone to love M*A*S*H! And M*A*S*H holds up. It’s still radically progressive. It’s still - in this time where North Korea is a frequent headline, where we have a government we do not trust, in a world where we have been at war since 2001 - deeply relevant.

Here’s the thing though: it was made in the 70s, about events in the 1950s, and this is 2019 tumblr-land. You’ve all read the roasts about lack of critical thinking skills on this website and ability to contextualize, and those posts are unfortunately not wrong. And the world has changed - and changed for even better than what was, at the time, truly radical! Even terms that were the liberal, pc term in the 70s have changed now and are not liberal or pc anymore which for the 2019 watcher might raise eyebrows. But the show is extremely pointed about calling out racism, homophobia, sexism, military fetishism, colonization, etc. I think maybe the only other show I can think of that goes so hard at dogged and relentless political call outs would be One Day at a Time. So I feel protective of M*A*S*H because in 50 years maybe we will look back at ODaaT and say yikes about certain things, though that feels crazy to say now.

If you do want to watch, here’s my advice (pull down your pants and slide on the ice (sorry, omg M*A*S*H jokeee)):

Do not start with S1. Start with S4, or S5 even. For one thing, there are some cast changes at the start of S4 so you get intro-ed to everyone again in “Welcome to Korea pt 1 & 2” and “Change of Command.” It’s a really good starting point to see a lot of characters on the brink of change. Don’t get me wrong, I still really love S1-3 but the characters haven’t grown yet. I love going back because I know them so well, but if you’re just meeting them, I recommend getting to know them in the middle of their journey, watch them evolve, and then go back and see where they started. And I think Col. Potter/BJ really elevated the tone of the show.

Because M*A*S*H is an older tv show, most people who love M*A*S*H never watched the show in order because we could only watched it in syndication! And you don’t really need to watch in order! In fact, CBS had the final call for episode order so sometimes even the air order is different than the writing, filming, intended order. Also, because they had 11 years of content over a 3 years of war, the show itself isn’t chronological. Due to probability (there are just more Potter/BJ eps) I saw more S4+ eps when I was first watching the show so again that’s my newbie preference. Now that it’s on Hulu (and remastered OMG) it might be tempting to watch in order, but really do recommend skipping around or at least starting later in for sure. You’ll learn context as you go (recs below). Then once you get the characters and their arcs it’s suuuuper fascinating to watch in order.

Fight me: Is everyone bisexual on this show??! Yes, yes they are. This is where I go full 2019 tumblr-brain, lol, but looking back I think it’s one of the reasons I loved it before I understood myself. It’s gentle, tender, pretty wavy. Alan Alda’s Hawkeye Pierce is, like, arguably canonically bi, like I even wonder if he was intentionally written/played that way on the dl. It’s pretty blatant?? And don’t even get me started on Margaret Houlihan. Godddddddd.

On that note, and maybe you will fall over, but Margaret and Hawkeye are my actual, #1, forever OTP. Which is weird for you, dear readers, I’m sure, as I run a v strict wlw blog and I’m very proud about that. But broken people who heal and change and grow because of the other is my tea, jam, and bread (”crackers and jam! too bad!” ;) ), and so far the writing of other characters and relationships hasn’t a hope of even coming into the range of depth these characters have (obvs not just wlw ships, all other mlw ships are The Worst as well, we’re all doomed, why does tv suck). But anyway, I would take them over any ship any day of the week goombye (but also….shipping Margaret is kinda like….not the point of Margaret Houlihan).

It’s worth noting that M*A*S*H has a character named Maxwell Klinger who wears a dress to try to get out of the army via a Section 8 (previously known as a “psycho”) discharge (remember lgbtq was still classified as a mental illness, smh). Obviously, this is potentially triggering. And, obviously, not okay in today’s world. To me the show does call out that it is the policies/laws/politics that are crazy, not Klinger. I think there are still some fairly modern ideas in his portrayal in that anyone who treats him like he is crazy, or is disrespectful, is very pointedly shown to be bigoted/an antagonist. Klinger is excellent at his job, brave, loyal, true, and that’s all anyone who is a protagonist cares about (and I do think they try to show to the extend they could during the time it aired that even if Klinger were not doing it for a discharge, they would respond the same way). Fwif, imo, Klinger isn’t played as a one note joke for wearing dresses, in fact, to an extent, he does wear them utterly sincerely. He loves, deeply loves, clothes and fashion because loving something gives him something to live for. It becomes his passion, not a gag. The gag is that Klinger will do anything to get out of the war through any available loophole he hears about (having an imaginary pet camel, eating 10 sausages in a single day, eating a jeep, trying to get into West Point aka join the military to get out of the military), etc. His comrades in arms treat him very sincerely and are very protective. Early on, a jeep comes in with wounded and Radar pulls Klinger away from the blood, “careful, you’ll get your dress dirty” in the most serious, sweet way. Col Potter is always very serious and sincere about telling Klinger when one of his dresses is a fav, and Klinger positively glows. When Klinger has to trade his dress collection to local women in exchange for shelter for the wounded during a bug out, Col. Potter, regular army in his 3rd war, tells Klinger (who is in tears) that it’s the finest act of bravery he has ever seen (and he means it). When Margaret desperately wants to look pretty and Klinger pulls out one of his best frocks and helps her dress in it - Margaret who grew up in combat boots wanting a crew cut - it’s pretty emotional (and I bawl when he gives her the wedding dress, goddd). As for Klinger himself, he’s one of my favorite characters. He has the biggest heart and I love him (and yes, I might feel differently if I had a different life experience than I do - that is why I’m flagging this as something that might not be for everyone, or might be trigger - because history already is triggering, and not everyone might be as moved by him as I am).

If you’re a 30 Rock fan you will know the star Alan Alda as Milton Greeen, Jack Donaghy’s father, and if you love Beauty and the Beast you will know that the actor who voiced Cogsworth is a major (lol pun) character in S6-11! But that’s all crazy to me because they are always M*A*S*H, first and forever, and always in my mind! I can’t believe they’re all in their 80s now, or that so many of them have passed. :( They are truly my whole heart, my family, my home.

If you do want to watch, recommend you start with the following eps (omg this list is long but it feels so short):

Welcome to Korea pt 1 + 2 (s4)

Change of Command (s4)

Aid Station (s3)

Death Takes a Holiday (s9)

Carry on, Hawkeye (s2)

Bug Out pt 1 + 2 (s5)

Dear Sigmund (s5)

Period of Adjustment (s8) *my first ep ever :,)

The Bus (s4)

Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (s1)

Tuttle (s1)

Crisis (s2)

O.R. (s3)

5 O'Clock Charlie (s2)

The Nurses (s5)

The Interview (s4)

Movie Tonight (s5)

Abyssinia, Henry (s3)

Hepatitis (s5)

Your Hit Parade (s6)

Peace on Us (s7)

Eye for a Tooth (s7)

Old Soldiers (s8)

Life Time (s8)

Stars and Stripes (s8)

Hey, Look Me Over (s11)

There’s a million more things I could say about the show. I feel like I haven’t summarized it justly. If anyone wants to chime in with why they love M*A*S*H, what your fav ep is, etc, please do :)

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kyn19 · 4 years

Note

1 THROUGH 98! I WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS AND I CAN'T STAND GETTING THEM PIDDLING BIT BY PIDDLY BIT!!!!!

Lmaooooo what a fuckin Mood. Thank you!!!!! Also, you’re getting Drunk Kylie answers which are arguably the Best answers. For the courtesy of everyone’s dash, answers are below the cut!! <3 <3 <3

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs! I have a sizable collection lmao #WriterLife

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

omg such a tough one, both are aces. seriously I can think of so many combatting pros & cons!! the only fair way i can currently conceive is which i would want weed in. Which is lollipops bc (#UnpopularOpinion) pot makes chocolate taste bad.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

both are great, but def bubblegum.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

“Pleasure to have in class” in true Gifted Child fashion

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i’ll rate them in order: 1) can (absolutely preferred), 2) bottle if alone but plastic (lez be honest, Red Solo Cup) if with company, 3) glass (do not like)

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

#1 goth all the way. Pastel and Formal guest appearances

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphone, bc earbuds usually hurt my ears.

8. movies or tv shows?

first of all, how dare you. second of all, tv shows ONLY BECAUSE if all my fave movies were given tv shows so that they could last longer i would choose so

9. favorite smell in the summer?

idk i guess pool chlorine? dislike summer

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

bruh fuckin none. elementary school: too long ago to recall. middle school: escaped having to take gym at all. high school: had a medical excuse to take online PE. least athletic girl u know

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

i don’t have bfast bc eating close to when i awaken makes my tummy upset

12. name of your favorite playlist?

hmm 4-way tie between “#motivate #bitch” (gets me pumped to work) and “Friends Of The Illness” (my playlist of songs about and/or artist who are mentally ill) and “Ominous/haunting” (speaks to my creepy side) and “Bad Bitches” (self-explanatory amirite)

13. lanyard or key ring?

Key ring. Straight up I use an extra shoelace as my key ring string, despite owning multiple lanyards.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

god another fkn hard one. Listen y’all, you dont understand how much of a sugar fiend i am. candy is my JAM. Starbursts, Sour Straws, Skittles, Jolly Ranchers...who can choose?!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

“Ceremony” by Leslie Marmon Silko. Highly recommend!!!!!!!!!!!

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

laying down lol sitting is for suckers

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

combat boots like the gay i am

18. ideal weather?

low 70′s degrees (F*), intermittent showers during the day but clear starry skies overnight

19. sleeping position?

mostly fetal, mostly on my side but chest is towards the bed, one arm under the pillow under my head

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop. I used to love writing in notebooks, but ya girl got weak fingy joints nowadays

21. obsession from childhood?

pfft as if they aren’t the same obsessions i have now

22. role model?

so many!!!!! Jameela Jamil is the first that comes to mind

23. strange habits?

lmao i am ass-deep in idiosyncrasies, if you ain’t read the blog title already

24. favorite crystal?

i don’t know anything about crystals. does blue topaz count? cuz that’s my birthstone and i like that one a lot. i even had the foresight to pick that as my engagement ring’s stone in my utterly preposterous & failed relationship

25. first song you remember hearing?

oh wow, no idea. music has always been huge for me. probably either a Britney Spears or Mary J. Blige song???

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

stay inside lmao

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

WEAR SWEATERS & DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE, BITCH!!!!!!!!!

28. five songs to describe you?

oof ok, hard, but here goes:

“Here” by Alessia Cara

“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls

“I’m Just a Kid and Life Is A Nightmare” by Simple Plan

“No Daddy” by Teairra Mari

“Brick By Boring Brick” by Paramore

29. best way to bond with you?

i am straight up not easy to make friends with (bc my own bullshit, not trying to be pretentious), so bonding is hard. the best way is probably a combo of queer + memes + loves food + correct morals + being the dominant talker

30. places that you find sacred?

Libraries, locally owned coffee shops, Walmarts at 3am, playgrounds in the middle of the night, side of a rural road at 12am, my bed

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Blazer + shirt with a titty window + high waisted plaid pants + platform booties

32. top five favorite vines?

OMG I LOVE VINES OK OK OK OMG I LOVE SO MANY SO HERE ARE JUST THE ONES I QUOTE THE MOST OK:

Josh Kennedy: “What’s up my name’s Jared I’m 19 and I never fucking learned how to read”

Sarah Schauer: [dont remember the beginning] “didn’t you..?” “sleep in this? yes. mama needs A DRINK”

Evan Breer: “What’s up my & my boys are going to see Uncle Kracker - give me my hat back Jordan, do you see Uncle Kracker or no - *gasp!*”

Drew Gooden: “Road work ahead? Um yeah, I sure hope it does...”

Nathan Enick: “Yo how much money do you have?” “69 cents” “Oh you know what that means!” “...i don’t have enough money for chicken nuggets :( ...”

33. most used phrase in your phone?

bruh like how even am i supposed to answer this?? like texts or Siri requests or????? bc if it’s Siri requests then it’s 100% for arithmetic

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Stanley Steamer. you kno the one

35. average time you fall asleep?

3:30am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

bitch i’m a 90′s child of the internet, i was around the web before YouTube launched, i was there when the first modern memes were fucking conceived. i will say the biggest repository of meme culture that i was a part of was YouTube and icanhazcheezburger.com & its side-sites.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel - Tie-Dye Girl from the Lindsey Lohan “Parent Trap” made quite the impression on me

38. lemonade or tea?

Lemonade! hate the leaf water

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Lemon cake! Not a meringue pie girl saly

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

I’ve been to a lot of schools yo lol. My undergrad college was def the “weirdest” ofc, bc it was an art school lol. An instance that stands out was a string of “Solid Gold Clit” graffiti after a Sophia Wallace visit to campus right before i started there.

41. last person you texted?

My bff triad pals @backwardswriter and @bristarshine

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

damn tough call. Probably jacket pockets bc i’m more likely to have those as a lady who wears lady-targeted pants

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

Plum!

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy, though sci-fi is a solid 2nd. Not much of a superhero gal

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

.....underwear only. Sometimes an oversized t-shirt too.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Mozzarella!!!

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

I would want to be like a pomegranate, but i’m probably a nectarine

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“If you hope for the best but expect the worst, you’ll never be disappointed.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

bitch i’m a giggle monster, i taught myself to be easily amused as a survival mechanism.

51. current stresses?

My own lack of discipline.

52. favorite font?

oooooof i have so many ok. too name a few: Centaur, Garamont, Book Antigua, Times New Roman, Montserrat.....mostly Serif fonts bc I’m an old books bitch

53. what is the current state of your hands?

I don’t love my hands (how homophobic of me, I know). Currently they’re kinda dry and full of sandwich

54. what did you learn from your first job?

what kind of boss I like. also that my customer service voice is frighteningly pleasant

55. favorite fairy tale?

Original tale: Thumbelina. Adaptations: Snow White.

56. favorite tradition?

uhhh Thanksgiving feast I guess? i am not a traditions gal

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

I am very very fortunate to not have a lot or a severity of these. The ones that I’ve had the worst of are: gender discrimination/harassment as a woman, hardcore emotional abuse in a relationship, and heavy heavy mental illness

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Tangible talents: writing, lying. Intangible: A+ imagination, useless trivia.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“I support you!”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

like if Tokyo Mew Mew and Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni had a baby

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

Again, how dare you. Like literally, asking me to pick a favorite line from something is like asking what my favorite breed of dog is. Legit impossible

62. seven characters you relate to?

Ananka Fishbein (Kiki Strike series), Mermista (She Ra & the Princesses of Power), Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter), Gwen (Total Drama), Rori Gilmore (Gilmore Girls), Villanelle (Killing Eve), Andrea (St. Trinian’s)

so like all very- to semi-weird white girls lmao

63. five songs that would play in your club?

[by the term “club” i assume that i’m limited to pop and electronic music. even with the limitation, though, a super hard question]

“Talking Body” by Tove Lo

“Hot in Herre” by Nelly

“Because the Night” by Cascada

“Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels” by Todrick Hall

“Break Free” by Ariana Grande ft. Zedd

64. favorite website from your childhood?

pretty much any doll franchise’s site (Barbie, Bratz, My Scene, Polly Pocket, Diva Girlz, everGirl, etc you name it)

65. any permanent scars?

Yep. One by a dog scratch (it was honestly a weak/shallow/innocent scratch, i still have no idea why it scarred at all), and a few from a car crash last year

66. favorite flower(s)?

i don’t really like flowers? i usually just say Forget-Me-Not’s for ease

67. good luck charms?

bitch idk but i’m knocking on wood just from thinking bout it

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

you ever taste that chocolate Laffy Taffy? vile bruh

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

I am annoying enough to know how i learnt all my facts, but the funnest fact I like to annoy people with is that ducks have corkscrew penises evolved from their main form of mating being rape

70. left or right handed?

Right (like any ol’ simp)

71. least favorite pattern?

polka dots

72. worst subject?

MATH and also PHYS ED

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

One time whilst high, I put nacho cheese Doritos on a tuna sandwich. Winning combo, I’m telling you

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

My pain tolerance is straight up unpredictable, so like anywhere from a 3 to a 9

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

5 years old

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Mashed potatoes

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

I am not a plant person. Moss.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

fucking neither but i at least like coffee so i guess the former....

(i know, it’s tragic and barbaric that i dislike sushi, i wish i had another answer for you)

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

Neither lmao - I got them within a month of each other (six years ago) so they’re essentially the same photo.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

I mean those are the same bug so I assume this is asking about which terminology I typically use/prefer. Which i would say both bc I’m a cultured ho

82. pc or console?

I don’t game so I guess PC lmao

83. writing or drawing?

Writing but I like both

84. podcasts or talk radio?

damn neither lmao I can’t focus on non-music audio only. I guess talk radio, just bc I can do like ten minute radio segments at least lol

84. barbie or polly pocket?

both were lit but I had more Barbies

85. fairy tales or mythology?

not to sound like a broken record but FIRST OF ALL HOW DARE YOU? second of all, I essentially consider them in the same category at this point in modernity, so my answer is Yes.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cupcakes, but both are exquisite

87. your greatest fear?

spiders, heights, clowns, seeing bad things happening to animals, that my consciousness will exist even after death, y’know normal stuff

88. your greatest wish?

to transfer myself into one of my fave fictional worlds

89. who would you put before everyone else?

dogs, next question

90. luckiest mistake?

i make a lot of those honestly, so who knows

91. boxes or bags?

LISTEN I LOVE CONTAINERS OF ALL SORTS, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME CHOOSE, IM PANSEXUAL FOR A REASON

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

FLASHLIGHTS, BITCH

93. nicknames?

Ky, KyKy, Moonshine, SugarTits, Goog Bones

94. favorite season?

Autumn (yes i call it that instead of Fall bc i’m a pretentious ass bitch lol)

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr, c’mon

96. desktop background?

Currently a digital art painting of a flowing stag in a swamp that I downloaded from DeviantArt. I change it every few months though (to other downloaded digital art from DA that I collect periodically lmao)

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Seven - mine, my mom’s 2 numbers, my grandma’s, my pop’s cell and office (also my old office) numbers, and my childhood house phone number lol

98. favorite historical era?

Golden Age of Piracy, specifically bc the piracy lol

Thank you so much for the asks, this was so much fun!!!

#asks

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aroworlds · 6 years

Text

Aro-Spec Artist Profile: Alex

Today I have the delight of introducing Alex, better known to aro-spec Tumblr as @arotaro and @mutant-jojos!

Alex is a bisexual, half-Puerto Rican multi-disciplinary aromantic artist and creative with severe ADHD. You’ll find her prolific fanworks on AO3 as EmeraldTrash666, writing primarily for the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure fandom. Her bold, colourful art for the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Fullmetal Alchemist, Hetalia, Pokemon and Vocaloid fandoms is also available on Redbubble under the name StellaHagane.

She writes, she creates digital art and she dabbles in music, sewing and fashion design, single-handedly proving that there’s no such thing as too much creative awesome for any one aromantic!

With us Alex talks about finding the word aro, the power of fandom and creative fanworks, her love of aro Jotaro, the challenges of creating with ADHD, the struggles of being an aro gen writer in fandom and the importance of expressing our aro headcanons. Everything she says is absolutely on point, so please let’s give her all our love, encouragement, gratitude, kudos and follows for taking the time to explore what it is to be aromantic and creative.

Can you share with us your story in being aro-spec?

I guess in some ways my “story” starts out pretty typical. Got older, kept waiting for my First Crush™, never got it, started worrying and trying to force myself to develop crushes. I actually was in a relationship with another girl on a forum I was part of as a teenager, but eventually I realized that I didn’t really like her romantically, and the relationship started to become really unpleasant for me. I eventually felt so miserable that I didn’t even want to talk at her at all, even though we were close friends, but I didn’t want to break up with her - partly because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, partly because we were everyone’s “OTP” and I didn’t want my friends to hate me for ruining that. But eventually I did break up with her, and I’m happy to say she took it with grace and we’re still close friends today! (She’s ace and a great writer/artist herself, too!)

I was part of a very nice LGBTQ+ group as a teenager, but I could never figure out my identity. I felt really ashamed and alone. Whenever I brought up how messed up I felt because I’d never had a crush on anyone, everyone was like, “Oh, sounds like you must be asexual!”, but I knew I wasn’t, and that was the worst part. Even though I knew aromanticism was a thing, nobody ever talked about it. It was only ever in the context of aroaces, so I didn’t know I was aro. I thought I must have had some sort of mental illness or something, but certainly not a legitimate orientation, nothing to be proud of like everyone else.

During that time, I found myself connecting on a deep emotional level to characters like Alphonse Elric, Fujiwara no Sai, the X-Men in general (although I’ve been an X-Men fan since I was literally a baby), basically anyone who was somehow “different” from the rest of humanity, even though I never understood why, since I was a fairly privileged kid who had never experienced much bullying or anything. Weirdly enough, it was Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure that helped me realize I was aro and come to terms with it; I saw an interview with Hirohiko Araki, the author of JJBA, where he was asked what type of girls Jotaro Kujo likes, and replied that he didn’t think Jotaro liked girls. The obvious interpretation would be that Jotaro’s gay, but somehow, one way or another, I decided to go with the idea that Jotaro’s aromantic. Jotaro also happened to be a character I really related to for reasons I couldn’t quite articulate, so around the time I was 18 I put two and two together and was like ... oh shit…

Please click keep reading to continue Alex’s story!

Can you share with us the story behind your creativity?

I’ve always been weird in the way I’m very creative, but tend to kinda bounce around from hobby to hobby. Other people draw, or write, or sing, while I draw for a month, and then write for a month and sew for a week and play video games for a week, and then I draw some more, and then I try out something completely new, and then I write again. I think it must be an ADHD thing, idk. In any case, I’ve just always been really passionate about making stuff, whatever that stuff happens to be.

I’ve also always been very much fandom-oriented. Ever since I was a toddler, I used to dictate fanfiction to my mom (back then it usually involved Winnie the Pooh, the Powerpuff Girls, Godzilla, and my dog). I mostly draw fanart. I find that I’m not really capable of writing original stories, but I’m great at getting fanfics in character, and I love writing them. I love taking stories I already love and reinterpreting them, seeing what it would be like if the characters were put into different situations, etc.

Because of my ADHD, I really struggle with actually finishing things. I try really really hard, I really do, and I’ve been trying to push myself even harder these past few years. I’ve made progress, but it’s still extremely difficult, so I’m very sorry for all the projects I’ve abandoned over the years. Sorry I still haven’t finished the fic that was supposed to be done in early March. I’m trying, really. I promise I’m working on the next chapter of BLaD, too.

Are there any particular ways your aro-spec experience is expressed in your art?

Of course, pretty much everything I write is gen. Even if I include romantic relationships in my fics, I never write about romance, just stories which also happen to include some characters who might be dating someone. And obviously I always write Jotaro as aro! That’s really important to me. No matter which AU I’m writing, he’s always aro. (And autistic, but that’s off topic.)

I’m also not really into shipping because of my romance repulsion, but I ship Joseph Joestar and Caesar Zeppeli. The thing is … I’ve always viewed it as a unique relationship, sort of difficult to define as being strictly romantic or platonic or sexual, just kind of their own thing that defies words. That’s how I’ve always written it. I had the sudden realization recently that this strange view on the only ship I really actually like (at the moment, anyway) is probably due to my being aro, lmao.

What challenges do you face as an aro-spec artist?

People don’t read gen fics, and people aren’t interested in aro stories. That’s just the way it is. I do have some dedicated readers, whom I love deeply, but in general… I could post something with a deep plot, something funny and dramatic and witty and touching, something I poured my heart and soul into for months, and it’ll get very few hits/comments/kudos, while someone else could post the same generic 2,000-word romance fic everyone’s seen a dozen times over, with no editing or anything, and get twice the amount of traffic my fics do in half the time. It’s really crushing.

How do you connect to the aro-spec and a-spec communities as an aro-spec person?

I dunno… The aro community feels so small. Online, I have a small circle of aro mutuals who all kind of vent collectively, and I’m part of Arocalypse and a few aro/aspec Discord servers, but I still feel like there isn’t really much of a larger community to be part of in the same way that there is for other orientations. Offline, I’ve never met another aro, or even anyone who actually knows what aromanticism is prior to me explaining it to them.

I also don’t feel like there’s a very unified “aspec community”. As an allo aro, I feel very rejected by the ace community - not to say that I feel like I should be part of the ace community, since I’m not ace, but I feel like they throw aros under the bus a lot. I mean, we’ve all seen the “asexuals can feel love, just like anybody else! … oh, except for aroaces, I guess. But the rest of us are normal, so you should accept us!” rhetoric. Both within and outside the aspec communities, aros are rarely treated with the same priority as aces, even though we’re arguably in a much more difficult position than your average allo ace.

That being said, I’m glad there is an aro community at all. I don’t know where I’d be now if I were still questioning. Probably not in a very good place.

How do you connect to your creative community as an aro-spec person?

As I mentioned, there’s a general lack of interest in gen fics or sympathy for romance-repulsed people in general. It’s really difficult being romance repulsed in fandom spaces, because nobody cares about anything other than ships. There are very few gen fics, and even less that are a decent length, not abandoned, or cater to my specific interests, so I have to write my own. I don’t often have anything good to read; most of the big fics, the ones with cool plots and long word counts and ongoing updates, are ship fics. If I’m lucky, maybe two gen fics will be posted in one week, and maybe one of them will be longer than a few thousand words. Maybe one might even have my favorite characters. But usually genfics are few and far between, and kind of random in terms of what you’ll get. Sometimes I get so bored that I read ship fics anyway, and then I always wind up feeling really awful afterwards.

I’ve written, over the course of the past two years alone, over 20 gen fics. But whenever I vent that sometimes I’d like to actually get to read something, I always get someone telling me, “Well if you want gen fics, write some yourself! You have to make the change! You can’t demand people write stuff for you!” And of course, at the same time it’s totally acceptable to request ship fics from your favorite author, and if you complain that there aren’t enough fics for your rarepair, it’s seen as relatable and totally valid.

Fandom is just … really, really amatonormative, tbh. I hate it. I’m trying to make a difference (I did organize Gen Jojo Week along with my friend Rachel last year, and hopefully will again this year), but there’s only so much I can do.

How can the aro-spec community best help you as a creative?

Aside from reblogging my art and promoting my fics? Talk about stuff. Talk about aro stuff in fandom. Seriously! I know it seems obvious that aro people would like aro headcanons and gen fics and all that, but we need to talk about them more. Nobody outside the community gives enough of a shit about us to have aro headcanons, so let’s get them popular. Talk about your favorite aro headcanons. Talk about your favorite gen fics. Talk about how such-and-such character is totally aro; talk about how excited you are to see aro characters in fics. My dream is for aro headcanons to become just as common and popular as any other type of headcanon.

Can you share with us something about your current project?

This is old news to most of the people who already know me, but my current big project that I’ve been working on for several years now is Between Life and Death, a drama/horror/supernatural JJBA fic.

(WARNING: PHANTOM BLOOD AND STARDUST CRUSADERS SPOILERS BELOW.)

The plot of the fic is that Dio wins at the end of Stardust Crusaders, and after realizing that he has no hobbies other than harassing the Joestars, he decides to bring Jonathan back by sticking his head (which… we’ll just assume Dio preserved for plot purposes) onto Jotaro’s body. Obviously, Jonathan is NOT happy with this arrangement, but it also turns out that Jotaro’s still alive, just not in control of his body. He can still use his stand, so he essentially uses Star Platinum as a sort of proxy for interacting with the environment around him, even though he only comes out when Jonathan’s alone since he doesn’t want Dio to know he’s alive.

Basically, it’s the story of a depressed vampire and a traumatized ghost. It’s a very introspective fic; most of the story consists of conflicts between Dio and Jonathan, and Jonathan and Jotaro struggling to come to terms with their new existences - Jonathan being unable to reconcile vampirism with his personal morals, and Jotaro having one hell of an identity crisis while also mourning the deaths of his friends and family. The plot is picking up, though, and there is an end goal in mind, as well as an eventual sequel!

As for where the story-in-progress is at right now … well, the next “stage” of the plot is hamon training for Kakyoin and Avdol, which will be fun. This chapter also includes several dream sequences, including an extended appearance by Mary Joestar (Jonathan’s mom), and a very serious and dark scene which I almost ruined by having dream!Will Zeppeli refer to Jonathan as his padawan. Yeah.

Have you any forthcoming works we should look forward to?

As mentioned, I’m working on chapter 9 of Between Life and Death! And working on and off on some stuff for the mutants AU. Most recently, on a whim I rewrote the lyrics to Handbeat Clocktower by MOTHY to be about Jonathan Joestar. Somehow this went far enough that I’m making an actual UTAU rendition of this “parody”, and hopefully it’ll be done sometime in the next few weeks. I’m really having fun with it and I hope people like it!

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schraubd · 6 years

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Jewdas and the Good Jews

Shortly after issuing a statement committing to more vigorous opposition to antisemitism within the ranks of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn ruffled yet more feathers by attending a seder hosted by the far-left Jewish group Jewdas. Here's the thing: I don't have an intrinsic problem with Jewdas. I've even written a nice(-ish) post about them! So I totally agree that some descriptions of them (including by some Jews) have been overwrought. But I'm in full agreement with Keith Kahn-Harris that this was nonetheless a misstep (at best) by Corbyn, because it looks like he once again is picking-and-choosing his "good Jews" who won't challenge him and will soothe him that everything is okay. David Hirsh suggested that the seder with Jewdas functions as a sort of "reverse dog whistle" -- to people who don't know much about the Jewish community, it seems like a nice gesture; whereas the vast majority of the Jewish community in the UK experiences it as a thumb in the eye -- a very conscious decision to circumvent the Jewish mainstream to hang out with a fringe minority which already thinks he's a-okay. But not all of the blame can be laid at Corbyn's feet. Jewdas should come in for critique too -- not because its views are in any context unacceptable, but because of what function it is serving in this context. Writes Kahn-Harris:

The irony is that Jewdas was never supposed to be a collective of good Jews. Yet that is what they are being turned into by the Corbynistas, just as Corbyn’s detractors are determined to turn them into bad Jews. It’s all depressingly familiar and very very non-radical. These days, pretty much anyone who is accused of anti-Semitism can find a group of Jews to give them a pass. In the last couple of weeks we’ve seen the apotheosis of this process, with endless “Jewsplaining” about who the real, good Jews are, the Jews to whom one should listen to about anti-Semitism. In their attempt to perform as “woke” opponents of anti-Semitism, non-Jewish Jewsplainers on the right and left are recapitulating the worst — and most self-hating — of our traits as Jews. If Jewdas, and anyone else who thinks of themselves as a Jewish radical, is seeking something to smash, it should be this. Non-Jews need to be told to stop picking and choosing which Jews they listen to. Engaging with Jews and fighting anti-Semitism means recognizing that there will be Jews who hold positions you disagree with. Genuine anti-racism means fighting for the rights of people you despise. I don’t know why Jewdas invited Corbyn to their seder (and I’ve heard whispers that some of those in attendance weren’t happy about it), but I wish one of them had had the courage to do something truly revolutionary. They should have told Corbyn to get out of his comfort zone and attend a seder held by Jews whose politics he does not agree with. And instead of hosting Corbyn, Jewdas should have invited a different kind of non-Jewish politician who claims to oppose anti-Semitism, one on the right who finds the idea of leftist Jews baffling or disgusting. That would have been truly radical.

As one journalist noted, it's especially telling how resistant Corbyn is to doing this when it comes to Jews because this instinct is his primary defense for why he was willing to meet with his "friends" in Hamas and Hezbollah. There might be some MPs for whom an evening with Jewdas might expand their horizons in a salutary fashion, but Jeremy Corbyn is almost certainly not one of them. I can accept that Jewdas' brand of -- let's call it "irreverent" -- humor has its place in Jewish life (it's infamous "Please God, smash the state of Israel" line in its Haggadah serving as a sort of exaggerated self-parody). But that doesn't mean it is an appropriate venue for a non-Jew, facing criticism for being unable to recognize antisemitism and being allegedly cold towards the Jewish community writ large, to begin his outreach. And Jewdas has an obligation here too that I don't think it fulfilled -- the sort of moves and jokes and commentaries it likes to make may well be inbounds among fellow community members, but that doesn't mean it should be inviting random outsiders to take part -- at least not without significant proof of trustworthiness and engagement with Jews that suggests their genuine allies. Insofar as Jewdas including Corbyn in this seder indicates their attempt to hechsher Corbyn along that criteria, that's a very valid thing to critique. Someone gave the analogy to former Orthodox Jews who walk around in Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods holding flyers with scantily-clad women on them, as a mocking commentary on retrograde Orthodox gender norms. I wouldn't do that myself, though I see the value in taking down a peg the obsession with regulating women's bodies in the Orthodox communities. But while I can see the case for former Orthodox Jews engaging in that sort of parodic (arguably trollish) act, I'd be infuriated if a non-Jew (particularly one in Corbyn's position) took part. As Kahn-Harris observes, there's irony here in Jewdas taking on the role of the "good Jews". But that all relates back to the difference between how one speaks inside the community versus outside of it. When interacting with the British Jewish mainstream, Jewdas is an important outsider perspective -- giving voice to viewpoints sometimes not heard and puncturing community shibboleths. But when it steps outside of the intra-Jewish debate and wades into the broader debate Labour is having on these issues, the same statements and jokes and performances are less critical than confirmatory, less challenging than soothing, less outsider and more insider. It takes a certain intellectual and organizational adroitness to deftly switch between those two modes, and I don't think Jewdas did itself proud in the navigation. via The Debate Link https://ift.tt/2GyOJom

#anti-semitism #internal minorities #Jeremy Corbyn #Jews #United Kingdom

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godblessthese20somethins · 3 years

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74/365

who hurt you recently? what happened? how do you feel about it right now? is there anything you can do to make yourself feel better about it?

there isn’t anyone specifically who has hurt me recently other than myself. i am my biggest fan and sometimes i am my biggest hater. today, my mama got into a car accident and my sister called me immediately. i was just waking up, still being so drowsy and dazed, that i couldn’t process everything that was being said to me. i honestly thought i was dreaming and it was some part of a scary nightmare i had to get through before i actually woke up. no, i was awake. it was 8:30 AM when i got this call and i was processing. my mind was racing and i felt inside my body that i was going to make an impulsive action or have impulsive thoughts such as, thinking the worst case scenario, feeling trauma rush through my entire body as if i’ve felt this pain and i had to prepare for it all over again, would last night really be the last night of our past life? i wasn’t ready for change. i’m still in my state of flow and i am still growing to become more independent. i’m almost there but not quite. i immediately called my person who is arguably now the person i care most for. i’ll call them sammy. sammy and i have built a connection for this past year where we can go to each other for anything. they are my rock, they keep me rooted, i can tell them anything without being scared of an outcome, and they really are my safe haven. there is no one who can ever take this spot away or can come close to how i feel for sammy. i’ve found out recently that the reason why i felt all the things i’ve felt overtime for sammy was because i’m in love. i never thought i could get myself to do that again but with sammy its very easy. i’ve never met a person like sammy who is so unique, strong, kind, protective, genuine, passionate, a warmth to many. everything about them brings my mind to ease and at peace as if i’m on an unreachable cloud where it is the most safe and comfortable. i love sammy with everything i am and have. sammy answered my call and although they didn’t need to they still did. my mind was racing because my mama’s the only parent i have left. i lost my papa at twelve years old. i wasn’t the woman i wish he could’ve met today but i know he looks down at me every day in awe. he is the source of why i’m so strong and why i possess so much magic within me. sammy was on the phone with me the entire time i needed them to be. they calmed me by telling me to think logically rather than sporadically which helped me more than they know. since they’ve gotten to know me they know that i’m quite the character. expressive in every way imaginable --my face, tone, body language, and everything. i was once told that i definitely look like i’m living in some sort of movie from a glance. without sammy this morning, i would’ve done some things today that wouldn’t make any sense. i wouldn’t have called out from work and might’ve kept an attitude or worry. i would’ve came home without telling anyone who i’d interact with that i wasn’t okay. one of my other best friends texted me about how she was just starting out today at her new workplace. although i responded to her telling her how proud and excited i was, i always notified her that my mama had gotten into an accident and i wasn’t my best self to cheer her on for her big day. my mind was elsewhere and i needed people who would want to come into contact with me today to know that. it’s not fair when there are feelings that get projected onto other people just because you haven’t told them what’s going on behind the scenes. it’s important to keep people you love and trust to be in loop of things, otherwise they will get misinformed and frustrations could arise accidentally. that should be the least of everyone’s worries, especially the person who is going through something. i haven’t drank any water yet and will do so after i click post. i forgive myself for being mad at myself in not knowing what to do. a big thank you to sammy even though i don’t think they’ll ever see this tumblr, this post, or anything. i hope they know how much they mean to me through my actions and words which i tell and show them directly to every day. i can possibly see a future with sammy and i’ve had other dreams for different events that i’m hoping could one day be true. i’ve never ever experienced anything like that with anyone i had ever liked before so this is all new. i always wonder if it means something. do dreams foreshadow anything or are they just teasing our minds for entertainment and fulfillment? i love myself for acknowledging that its okay to feel but to not act on an impulse shows character and growth. slow down sometimes y’all. you are permanently going to be with yourself for this lifetime. love yourself at your own pace. get to know yourself. know when things are a little too much to be experiencing all at the same time and know when to give yourself breaks. forgive, allow, and surrender. things always work themselves out. there’s a reason and meaning behind everything. just wait.

update:

my mama is okay. she’s dislocated her shoulder and has some medication to treat her pain. i love her with all my heart and soul. i’m very happy to have more time with her. i know one of these years to come she’ll return Home and be with my papa again. but until then, she’s still here. her heart’s beating at the same time as everyone else. thank you universe.

#text

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abadpoetwithdreams · 7 years

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Nirvana in Fire Episode 2 Reaction

(Hello, yes, it’s me again, the person who said she’d write a reaction post for every episode she watched and then went and watched SEVEN EPISODES IN THREE DAYS. I have regrets. I actually didn’t even want to stop watching long enough to write this, but I have to before I get too much deeper in. Everything below is written from my episode notes I made while watching episode 2 for the first time, so none of my later knowledge applies, here. I actually know names much better now, obviously. Also I continue to do really badly at not getting attached to anyone. Comically badly, really. I’m setting myself up for a lot of grief, I can tell.)

• So, episode two of Nirvana in Fire! We start this episode by immediately focusing on the princess (whose name is Ni Huang) which I was not expecting but which I welcomed wholly. After she had such a fun, powerful introduction, as well as that cheeky conversation with the Emperor, I am happy that her character gets even more fleshed out here. The fact that she is still unmarried is apparently a Big Deal, because until she is safely paired off with a suitable husband, she is a political wild card. Whoever marries her will essentially have her army of 10,000 men as a dowry, with all the clout that entails, making the Emperor anxious to arrange her marriage as quickly as possible. Unusually for this sort of story, though, he actually cares about her enough that he has let her put off marriage for a many years, so that’s rather sweet. He even seems proud that so many guys are interested in marrying her, which is cute. (He wavers between being proud that she’s so awesome and that so many people would want her, and being worried that so many people want her for the power she has.) In fact, even though this whole tournament for her suitors that he’s arranging seems like a final ultimatum, he seemingly is also going ahead and letting her have final combat with the top candidates, so I guess he’s potentially still letting it slide—for now.

• And why hasn’t she married, even though she is (as he friend so kindly tells her) no longer young? OH I CAN GUESS. *senses Doomed Romance looming closer*

• Side-note: I wish the Emperor’s eunuch buddy would stop smiling. He’s incredibly creepy. The performance reminds me of whoever played Osric in the Tennant production of Hamlet (arguably my favourite Hamlet: that perpetual smile that’s hilarious but also massively unsettling).

• Also Ni Huang has a younger brother? And he is going to take over the army now? Because the emperor is worried about the popularity and influence Ni Huang has among her own army? I’d say the Emperor is being needlessly paranoid, but I’ve watched various Asian period dramas before. He’s right to be skittish.

• Ok and then we get introduced to a general (??) who is immediately also on my list of faves in this show (I said I wouldn’t pick favourites. I SAID I WOULDN’T GET ATTACHED. GAH) because he is introduced with some great drumming music and while punching out two people at once, and also he has fantastic eyebrows and is maybe the only person on this entire show so far who has a Beard that isn’t an Evil Beard. Excellent. He seems very fierce and reminds me a lot of our hero’s surly teen bodyguard, and now I want them to fight.

• The prince who isn’t the Crown Prince (Yu, I have gathered his name is—see, I’ll get all the names gradually, I should have them all solidly by the end of ep3. Being able to keep track of a million names and complicated family trees is one of my Silmarillion powers) seems increasingly snakey every time I see him. This time it’s him praising the two guys the general beat up to his face, and then going off to scold them harshly and be really generally mean later. A harmless bit of two-faced-ness? Mayyyyyybe. But I’m guessing this is just the tip of the iceberg with this guy.

• He has really beautiful clothes, though. That red and gold. NICE.

• We finally come back to Chang Su—yeah, I know I was going to call him Lin Shu last episode because that was the first name I remembered, but everyone’s calling him Mei Chang Su so I’ve picked up on that now and will stick with that I guess… Or, actually, I’ll probably just start using all the names interchangeably and be both confusing and confused. It’s fine.

• Anyway, our mysterious man in white (side note: I adore the simplicity of his costume and how it makes him look even more washed out and ghostly when surrounded by the vibrant colors and detailed patterning of all the other men’s costumes) is hanging out at the Marquis’ house where he is reading and drinking tea in the garden, which just makes me like him more because that is how I, too, like to spend my time. His angry teen bodyguard is busy jumping from rooftop to rooftop and wire-flying through the air, as one does. The bodyguard’s name is Fei Liu and I adore him. More of this kid, please, show, and thanks.

• Chang Su sends Fei Liu out to play, and when Jing Rui wonders at that, Chang Su assures him it’s fine: Fei Liu has a good temper. Immediately I know something is up. Either that, or our entire premise that Chang Su is a brilliant strategist is a lie, because that teen murder machine is the angriest character in this entire show and you’d have to be an idiot to think otherwise.

• These boys, by the way—Jing Rui and … Something Jin? His happy sidekick— continue to be the nicest, most cheerful and pleasant duo. They’re in temperment like the Merry and Pippin of this show. Every time I see them in a scene with Chang Su I get intensely uncomfortable because I’m certain he doesn’t really see them as the friends they think they are to him.

• And then I get my wish and the general and Fei Liu have a mighty sky and roof battle, and it’s glorious. The cinematography is so good in this show, it really lets the wirework and choreography shine. Usually I prefer my combat more House of Flying Daggers over the top and less Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon over the top, but it’s working for me 100% here. The dancer in me digs it.

• “I will be sure to discipline him” -Yeah, sure you will, Chang Su. Suuuuure.

• The general seems suspicious, but that’s only to be expected when you are accosted by a strange, vicious, flying child in a garden.

• “There is nothing exceptional about me. Except for my stunning good looks.” -Chang Su, when questioned by the general. I might have added that last part.

• Fei Liu’s faceplant of shame against the wall made me laugh out loud. Gosh, I love this kid.

• And! It turns out Jing Rui’s brother with the sneaky face was eavesdropping for Prince Yu, and of course when he scuttles away to report his findings we cut to Chang Su looking immensely smug. Yup, he planned that whole fight out. This guy.

• Meanwhile, the Marquis is in the pocket of the Crown Prince, and reports to him the same news. But these guys go a step further and not only are they planning to win Chang Su over; they are planning that if they can’t win him, they will kill him! I’m just assuming Yu hasn’t thought that far ahead.

• “I took to the battlefield in my armor when I was seventeen years old. After witnessing bloody battles for seventeen years, all I have left is a heart of steel.” -Ni Huang, lying. But also continuing to be immensely quotable.

• Also her friend is a super-important intelligence agent? She has this fantastically dangerous attitude, so I can’t wait to see more of her. I love how competent these women are, and they aren’t presented as awesome warriors simply as window-dressing; they make their awesomeness seem earned and genuine and an core part of their characters, so well done show (or novel? I think this is an adaptation of a book? Either way, bravo, and bravo to the actresses for being so effortlessly cool).

• It’s another prince! Prince Jing, this time, and I love this guy immediately. He has a perpetually sad grumpy face but the more you see of his life the more it’s understandable. Guy has it rough. But he seems to be very close with Ni Huang, which is yet another point in his favor! His short, abrupt mannerisms are hilarious, when contrasted with his brothers’ constant waffling and wheedling and whining.

• Oh, and a thread I had questions about last episode gets pulled out a little more: Ni Huang’s friend in the intelligence force was one of those who investigated Lin Shu’s family all those years ago and who came to the conclusion that they were treasonous due to (what I am assuming was planted) evidence that Prince Jing thinks was bogus. He still hasn’t forgiven her, and she still hasn’t forgiven him for continuing to think well of the traitor who killed her husband. Supposedly. Furthermore, Ni Huang also still does not believe Lin Shu and his family were guilty, which hurts her friend’s feelings. Sheesh, I can’t wait for whenever the flashbacks start and we can ACTUALLY SEE what happened 12 years ago! Everyone’s lives seem to be divided into a before and after centered around that event, whether they realize it or not, but everyone also has different takes on what happened. The pay off had better be amazing, because the constant teasing is killing me.

• So now we come to what I thought was going to be the worst scene of the episode, where the Emperor makes poor Prince Jing just stand at attention, ignored, outside his palace and then legit forgets about him and we get all this backstory about how his father treats him harshly due to his sympathizing with Lin Shu’s family and inability to keep his mouth shut and I just felt so bad for this poor guy. But sidenote: the Emperor’s happy air-calligraphy as he admires the handwriting he was looking at when Prince Jing first arrived made me laugh. I really, really like whoever this actor is who’s playing the Emperor. I don’t think I’ve seen him before. But he gives what could easily be yet another trope-y Emperor role a lot of nuance.

• And then when Jing is finally allowed inside, the Crown Prince immediately starts haranguing him about how filthy he looks and why didn’t he go home to clean up first and I wanted to slap him. And then slimy Prince Yu cuts in to argue against the Crown Prince in an attempt to get Good Son Points from their Emperor Dad, and I wanted to slap him, too. My gosh, they’re a pair of five-year-olds.

• Also, Prince Jing continues to be very laconic, but I love that he is both quieter than his brothers AND plagued by the problem that he doesn’t know WHEN to shut up. Someone who speaks their mind like he does and who cares more about what is Right instead of what is Safe reeeeeally needs someone a bit more sneaky and pragmatic looking out for them. Someone like … CHANG SU? HMMMMMMM

• Jing Rui fiercely defending his buddy Chang Su from court politics, and then proudly saying his father is neutral in politics (oh poor boy) is so Good, it breaks my heart.

• And with that it’s finally the start of the tournament to find Ni Huang a husband! Fei Liu angrily fails at putting a ribbon in his hair in the background of a scene and I had to rewind to actually pay attention to what the boys were saying because it distracted me. Chang Su is still being the most polite little troll and is like ‘hey, how about we show up SUPER LATE’ all the while surely knowing that the two princes are desperate for a glimpse of him. He really wants to make a big entrance, ahahaha.

• Ni Huang’s baby brother is PRECIOUS. I ADORE HIM. “Princess Ni Huang probably doesn’t worry as much about this tournament as the young prince” PRECIOUS I SAY.

• I’m perplexed by how expressive Hu Ge can make his expressionless face be. He emotes a lot without emoting at all and it’s uncanny. There was a whole story on his face when he commented on how close Ni Huang and her brother are, and I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.

• And then this show briefly turns into a brilliant comedy where Prince Yu and the Crown Prince basically both race out of their private box to where Chang Su is and immediately start trying to win him over with a forcefulness that grows in awkwardness and eagerness until it’s basically a farce. It’s glorious. And once again I have to commend the acting in this scene, because what they’re saying isn’t even inherently funny; it’s the way they say it and the pacing and their expressions that made me rewatch this scene twice just so I could cackle over it again. Jing Rui increasingly offput by their posturing, Chang Su increasingly dying inside, Yu Jin completely oblivious. Hysterical. Also there’s a shot that makes me realize the reason why I like Chang Su’s face and specifically his eyes so much is because he has this weird resemblance to Buster Keaton, so there’s that.

• AND NOW WE COME TO THE WONDERFUL GRAND EMPRESS DOWAGER SCENE.

• JUST A NICE SCENE WITH A NICE OLD LADY AND HER DOTING GRANDKIDS.

• JUST A NICE HAPPY FAMILY SCENE. • YUP.

• NOTHING ELSE TO SAY HERE.

• … .

• Ok no, that’s all a lie, but I had been lulled into a false sense of security by the hilarity of the fighting princes, so I thought this was just going to be cute. And at first, it was. Well, after Lin Shu’s brief, unusually intense moment with Fei Liu where he orders him on exactly how he is to behave with the old lady, that is. “She’s the kindest grandmother in the world,” he says, his eyes drifting to middle distance, and I got a little choked up. But it’s ok, the moment is brief, just enough to color the next scene with poignancy, and I thought that was it. He gives his instruction, he goes in, everything seems fine (except for the fact that he seems legit scared to look his grandmother in the face, THIS POOR MAN), Yu Jin is a cheerful doof as usual, the Empress Dowager is DELIGHTFUL and her obsession with everyone’s marital status is charming (as is Jing Rui’s discomfiture, I like his hair-down look btw), Fei Liu makes an epic eyeroll and continues to climb in my esteem, and then—

• Dangit.

• Ok, so story time: I don’t know Chinese. Not at all. I am ¼ Chinese, actually, as well as ¼ Japanese, but I know more Japanese because I have never been in contact with my Chinese side of the family as much. Anyway, so I have always relied entirely on subtitles when watching Chinese media, but dramafever’s subtitles have seemed a little inconsistent to me. And I THINK they were in this scene. Because when Jing Rui introduced himself to his aged great-grandmother, she asked if he was “Xiao Rui,” according to the subtitles, and he said yes. Now, I figured something was up here because I could have sworn his name was Jing Rui? So I paused the episode for a quick detour to google, and apparently Xiao means small??? Which makes sense contextually and is super cute????? So this meant I was like ‘Aww, how sweet’ and then went back to the episode full of warm fuzzy feelings and a vague sense of accomplishment, hit play, and was armed with just enough Chinese knowledge to feel the moment when that kindly old woman calls Lin Shu “Xiao Shu” LIKE A FREAKING FREIGHT TRAIN OF PAIN. HIS EXPRESSION WAS MY EXPRESSION IN THAT MOMENT. AUGHHHHHHHHH

• AND THEN • IT JUST

• KEEPS

• GOING

• She comments on how thin and sickly he looks and I was like bye

• And then that horrid woman who I THINK is the Crown Prince’s mother (out of everyone it’s all the women in the court that I have the most trouble differentiating, which is weird because I should be able to tell them apart easily by their headdresses but idk) makes a joke about haha she said he’s thin and she called him small Su what a rascal that grandmother and meanwhile both Chang Su and I are over here dying inside and I’m like bYe

• And then she gives him a stupid snack that was his favorite when he was a kid because she can’t remember anything recent but by golly she’s going to remember what her grandkids like and that reminded me of my own great-grandmother who had this same memory problem due to a stroke but anyway he takes it and looks absolutely terrified by both the emotional battering he’s getting and also the possibility his cover will be blown, probably, and he wraps that thing up in his hands like it’s the most precious thing in the world and I was like bYE

• And then good ol’ grandma is like “Hey, Ni Huang, get over here and hold hands with your boyfriend” and I was like BYE

• And then when the Empress Dowager is getting distressed because the women are all telling her ‘Oh, that isn’t Shu, they aren’t getting married, she broke her engagement years ago’ Ni Huang is obviously hurting and tries to quietly slip away but HE GRABS Her HAND LIKE HE JUST CANT HELP HIMSLEF ANDHER FACE I WAS JUST AAAAAGHHHHHHHHFSLSLWHDKls:KdJk:SK;;;;;

• And my girl Ni Huang, she knows. She doesn’t know what she knows, but she KNOWS.

• “Xiao Shu, you’re leaving?” *DEAD*

• Also that music came back

• Dangit

• I don’t even know what else happened in the episode after that. I had to go back and rewatch it for this post because I was so shook. Ni Huang, bright thing that she is, corners Chang Su and asks him to walk with her, and she starts probing at him to try to figure out why he behaved so oddly and why she felt so strange with him (ok the last is more me speculating based on the actress’ body language and expressions more than anything in the actual text, but it’s definitely what’s going on ok). And they are the perfect couple they’re both so sharp and even their colors compliment each other and I’m very distressed.

• And then the episode ends with a child getting beaten up. The end.

I’m exhausted. On to episode 3.

#badpoet watches nif #badpoet watches #nirvana in fire #nirvana in fire episode 2 #cdramas

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whatislv · 7 years

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MUNDAY! Questions for mun, regarding the muse! Send in a number and I'll answer as best I can.

18.) What aspect of your muse’s personality is most important to you? What aspect of your muse’s personality do you think is most important to them? Is it the same? Why or why not?

{{ oh....... you went for a big one right off the bat............ uhh. shoot, okay!ok.... ok. i'm gonna be real with you: it's hard to pinpoint just one facet. the little dude's gone places since i first picked him up, so theres plenty of things to have gotten attached to! but after liKE LITERALLY 15 MINUTES OF THINKING, I'D HAVE TO SAY...

that i really love having a muse with a similar sense of humor to mine! shucks... i've loved puns since i was like, 13. its pretty cool that i get to have somewhere where i can tell them!even more than that, people really seem to enjoy them! and of course, its not just puns; a character like sans seems to have no shortage of witty remarks for just about any occasion.

its also nice that hes low energy and depressed despite his seemingly constant slew of dumbass comments. since thats a trait i myself possess, i never feel especially pressured or bad about not cranking out the content when im just too tired, or sad, or plain dont feel like posting that day, because this is sans we're talking about! its a miracle the guy's even running a blog in the first place fjshdh

as for what lv values in himself... i think the fact that he can at least act like the guy he wants to be, like REALLY AND TRULY AS A WHOLE, despite all the things he's been through (and hardly anyone, IF anyone at all knowing what that'd be these days), really helps him hang on.more than anything, he just wants things to be normal, you know? because when these problems get big, and get extravagant, it pushes him back into those freshly post-geno reset days...the ones where he'd come to terms with everyone being dead, and his own mortality and subsequent death, only to have it all brought back and thrown in his face by a child saying "I did it because I was bored, and because you kept me interested."

at his worst, he's mean, cynical, paranoid. he struggles with the mere concept of existing, and the fear that if he keeps it up, it'll all get taken away...but he still chooses to be a better person than that, even though it's hard and he slips up a lot.he wants to be good. he WANTS to be social, and kind, but still entirely himself and to himself.and he's made some very impressive strides towards that end, however easily regressed they may be. i think lowkey, he's proud of himself that he's not as openly and deliberately bitter as he used to be.

i wouldnt say its the same between me and him necessarily; ive got a... arguably shallower appreciation, but i guess we've both got a pretty solid appreciation and longing for a certain degree of INTEGRITY...funny how that goes.

#ooc #munday #anon #AS A GENERAL WHOLE LV IS IMPORTANT TO ME but for an impressive spread of reasons #alas. this one answer took me like... 45 minutes. GOD #I MEAN LIKE 43 ACTUALLY BUT YOU KNOW!!! WHOS COUNTING

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theleaderdotinfo-blog · 6 years

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Garcia secures Valderrama hat trick has been published at http://www.theleader.info/2018/10/22/garcia-secures-valderrama-hat-trick/

New Post has been published on http://www.theleader.info/2018/10/22/garcia-secures-valderrama-hat-trick/

Garcia secures Valderrama hat trick

Sergio Garcia successfully wrapped up his third Andalucía Valderrama Masters hosted by the Sergio Garcia Foundation title with a four-shot victory, after weather delays took the tournament into a fifth day. The 2017 Masters Tournament winner had been in possession of a three-shot lead when stormy conditions forced play to be suspended on Sunday night after a series of weather delays on the opening three days at Real Club Valderrama had already seen the tournament reduced to 54 holes. The defending champion - who also won this event in 2011 - powered to victory when play resumed on Monday, carding three birdies and a single bogey in his last 11 holes to finish the week on 12 under par at a course he counts as one of his favourites. Irishman Shane Lowry recorded his best finish of the season, taking second place at eight under par after a final round 66. The 31 year old - whose last victory came at the 2015 WGC-Bridgestone Invitational - had given Garcia a scare when he closed the gap to a single shot courtesy of three birdies in a row at the start of the back nine, but a double bogey at the short 15th hole halted his challenge. Finland’s Mikko Korhonen finished two shots further back at six under par, one ahead of England’s Ashley Chesters. Lee Westwood and Maximillian Kieffer of Germany were then at four under par, alongside another local favourite, seven-time European Tour winner Gonzalo Fernández-Castaño, who secured his European Tour card for 2019 with his share of fifth place. Scotland’s Richie Ramsay also kept his card after finishing in a share of 11th on two under par to jump up to 115th on the Race to Dubai Rankings presented by Rolex, with England’s David Horsey clinching the final place. Player quotes Sergio Garcia: “To be able to win three times here in Valderrama is a dream come true. It’s so difficult, this golf course is so challenging. For me to be able to shoot three rounds under par with the positions we played all week, all the rain we had, and all the stop and going means a lot. I’m very proud of that. “I knew the guys would attack, they would be going after me. This is the kind of golf course that if you’re a little bit off you can struggle but if your game is on it gives you a lot of birdie opportunities. Obviously Shane was playing well, he got close to me, then unfortunately he doubled 15 and then I dug up an extra gap with my birdie on 14 and opened it to four. “Becoming a father changes your life for better and we’ve enjoyed every minute of it. I am very happy to have Angela and Azalea by my side; it was nice to be able to win it for both of them.” Shane Lowry: “I was going well yesterday but I came back out this morning on fire as well. Birdied ten, 11 and 12, flying, lipped out on 13 and 14 and then hit the worst shot I’ve hit all year on 15. Made double there, but the positive is that it’s probably the only bad shot I hit in that round. “A 66 around here and being in contention is pretty good. I’m just disappointed I didn’t put a bit of pressure on Sergio. I had it to within one at one stage and then I made double and he made birdie. That was it. But it’s my best week of the year, serious positives to take from it, and I’ve got a great four weeks coming up now to finish the season.” Gonzalo Fernández-Castaño: “I’m really, really happy and also quite proud of what I’ve done this week; when I needed to deliver I did, so I’m excited. “If I had to choose a tournament to keep my card it’s probably this one. It doesn’t particularly suit my game, but it’s a course I know very well, and also I knew the scoring would not be extremely low. “I’m very excited to be back with full status on the European Tour; it’s always been my home tour and will always be. I’ve been away for a few years trying the American dream, unfortunately it didn’t happen for me, but it’s good to be back. I believe I still have a few years ahead to win tournaments, and hopefully 2019 will be one of them.” Richie Ramsay: “I didn’t sleep the best but I think I came out and proved a lot to myself, arguably under the most pressure I’ve ever felt coming down the stretch, but it’s a course I love which made it far easier to go out there and play. “I had some good looks at some great putts on 16 and 17 and then I rolled in a nice little tester at the end from about three feet. A three footer under normal circumstances is very easy, but not when your job is on the line.”

#Garcia secures Valderrama hat trick #golf #spain

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thornburgrealty · 6 years

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Debbie’s uterus healed defiance decide

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aurimeanswind · 6 years

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Opening at the Close—Sunday Chats (12-3-17)

This is the last first Sunday of 2017, which is crazy to think. We are in the final stretch of 2017, arguably one of the worst political years for the US ever, one of my most difficult personal years, and also one of if not definitively the best years for video games.

The Written Word, 1000x Over

What’s also coming to a close is my habit of writing every day about games. It’s been a big project and exercise for me, and this week I will hit 1000 consecutive days writing, and then I plan on taking some well-earned days off, creatively. I’m sure my mind will still be buzzing with ideas, as it always is, but I think I’ve learned there is a bit of a balance with that; a give and take to putting in so much work.

I’ve got something going up on Tuesday over on IrrationalPassions.com that anyone interested in my writing career over the last 1000 days should definitely check out. I want it to be generally a surprise, the format at least, but it’ll be worth a read I hope.

Today, in the spirit of this big thing I’ve been doing for nearly 3 years ending, I asked you all, lovely readers of Sunday Chats, to tell me a project that you embarked on for a great amount of time, and where it left you at its close. Writing is one of those things that I think will be inherent to a lot of my work going forward, no matter what, but it’s definitely changed a lot for me over this time. And I think big projects can do that to you, and how you feel at the end of them really have an effect on what you do in the future. They instill this knowledge that you carry with you.

Whether its a podcast, a website, a show, or something else entirely, I think there were a lot of great stories written in for Sunday Chats this week, so let’s take a look at them.

Boy howdy that sounds like an undertaking. I’ve been a bit familiar with script writing because I’ve looked at it as something I maybe wanted to do at some point, and the whole different look and feel for script writing really threw me off.

But I can’t imagine that just because I can’t really see myself successfully setting up a scene or a shot. Now you, Ben, obviously I can see you doing it. You’re like Mr. Film Studies in my heart of hearts. That’s really incredible. I don’t know if you plan on selling the script or shooting it or making it happen, but I believe in you.

Good luck finishing it, and good luck with the rewrites. I know you can do it.

I think that feeling of moving on is natural. I think there are parts of IP that have felt that way for me too, and things have changed so much in that regard.

But I think the managing people, and a team, that’s the thing to hold onto. That’s something that takes a level of dedication that I believe gets undersold a lot, because it demands so much of you and who you are. That person starts to change from the person you are with your friends to the one you are with your team, and that relationship is always different. At least, this is always in my experience.

But that’s super rad! Running a theatre sounds like just... my god so much work. I think about budgets and sets and costumes, let alone actors, and people flaking, and choosing productions, and the upkeep on the technical side of things (lights, mics, etc). It’s like running a live TV show or a set, only there is no take-backsies when someone drops an F-bomb in frustration when they mess something up mid show, which I doubt happens but I feel like would happen all the time if I was in theatre.

PS: 300 days is not measly.

That’s a huge bit. For folks who don’t know, SMYN was a really important show to me and my personal growth, but also knowing when to put something to rest is a big thing too.

It’s something I think about with Irrational Passions Podcast a lot, a show that isn’t necessarily in the running to be cancelled or anything here, but all good things must end, so it’s a long hard look at what that ending is, and where it goes from there.

But that show also clearly had a huge impact on your life beyond that. Just like IP has been for me, I think podcasting turns out to be one of the most oddly social experiences out there, not necessarily because of the listeners, but because of the guests and other podcasters you meet along the way.

Oh this, this definitely hits close to home. Being the editor is hard, because not only are you motivating people, but you’re also taking what they have then been motivated to write, and sending it back to them with red lines all over it.

But that coordination of getting an actual product done at the end of it all is something I don’t know. I think seeing the name in the print is a big deal. I only ever had one thing published for my college newspaper when I took my journalism class, and it was assuredly not my proudest work. I think if you look back and feel that pride, especially over two years, that you did something great, even if you had to carry the paper on your back sometimes.

Yeah that mid-project reflection is always fun. And I think if you look at how that show has changed as far as having guests and format, you should be proud. It’s become something with multiple voices that is something new and different every week, and I think that’s cool. We try and emulate that same feeling with guests on IP.

I love the feeling of collaborating with folks just as passionate and into something as you are. It’s been one of the best parts about Farm to Tower, which is hosted by four/five of the “hosts” of their own shows, so it’s kind of a powerhouse set of different ideas and personalities meshing together.

But that’s awesome to feel surrounded with folks like that. I’m super happy to hear that man. I need to check out this show!

youtube

Christ, how I didn’t know Cameron’s character in this pilot episode was named Xander O’Neill until just now is embarrassing...

Now I love this too because Guide-work never gets thanked for it. This is the grunt work of all grunt work, and especially on something like Dark Souls, which just sounds so arduous.

But that’s awesome, and I’m sure some folks still use those guides today too. It’s kind of a piece that keeps living on. Again, thankless work. But you’re one of the hardest working motherfuckers out there Jake, so I know you put in 120% on that.

Ah Mr. Journalist and published author over here!

Another thing, like the newspaper, that is about building it up, tearing it down, and the result is a physical thing in your hand. I think holding that first published book in your hands is a feeling like... well, I can’t even imagine, honestly. That’s hugely impressive.

But it’s cool to know how long it took because I’ve known about The Spy and the Maven (a great tile, btw) for a while but I never had a good grasp on the timeline.

That’s still so rad, and people should read. Hell, I should read it. Now what do I have to do to be the voice of narration on the audiobook?

That’s really incredible! But whoa, 98-person class of graduates? That is crazy small. Mine was maybe close to 500? I think? Maybe 400? I don’t exactly remember, but there were a lot of us.

I’ve always wanted to do one of those deep-dive documentary style videos that has interviews and reflections and big, emotional looks back. And to be in charge of something like that for high school sounds really taxing, but also rewarding. The best part is I’m sure not only you look back on that fondly, but everyone in that class too, thinks of that thing as a great endnote to all that work.

Ahh yeah, there is always the project that doesn’t come to light. Honestly, I’m surprised this is the first one mentioned so far in these submissions.

I think it’s easy to be discouraged at it not coming to light, but those six months were assuredly not wasted. You spent time with people, you collaborated, and you made something, whether it released or not. Those skills were still put to use and used and crafted, so I think you look back at what you gained personally from something like that, and there is nothing to be discouraged about.

That’s incredibly awesome though, I’ll definitely look into this VR demo, just to see what it was all about. I hope in future, your next project, gets to see the light of day, and I wish you all the best luck in that.

Yeah and I very much understand this since you’ve been talking about it with me. I think that’s totally normal, wanting to stretch outside of the realm you are in because, at times, it can feel confining. It’s almost how I feel with writing now that I’ve “been in it” for so long.

But you can take that meticulous skill and apply it to something going forward. It’ll just make whatever the next kind of thing you work on that much better.

And I hope all the folks that post in the YouTube comments talking about how hot those transitions are (see: me) made you at least feel a bit better about it.

I really would want to see this thesis. Obviously huge years for video games, especially with the release of the Wii, and I’d love to see your argument for them. But you should be proud of that. In all the things that folks have been able to walk away with from their projects, a degree is definitely fucking up there!

That’s awesome! Another look in the project, or a look from within. I think taking something apart and really picking at it on an analytical level has been some of the best and most fun writing I have engaged with. Those case studies, scripts for a new show I have been writing forever, have been those kinds of things, and really sitting in something, especially games, is incredibly satisfying for me.

What I love here too is that you’ve found something that speaks very directly to you too. I’ve been hearing all the good vibes on Night in the Woods lately, and I may have to see it before year’s end.

Thank you all, so much, for your stories and your projects. There were a few others that were submitted but they didn’t quite fit the format like the rest of these did. Or they were just jokes. Which is fine, but these all were too good not to highlight. I tried to get my friend Jazz to write in about her winning awards in journalism for reporting on excessive force from the police on her college campus, because it’s like, one of the (many) things I am incredibly proud of her for, but I figured I’d just embarrass her by giving her a shoutout here.

These projects remind me a ton of my writing one I am in right now, and of course, Irrational Passions, which had grown and mutated in ways I couldn’t expect. The running theme is exhaustion, pride, and many other mixed feelings. Thank you all for sharing these. I’ll let you know how I feel at the end of writing when it’s over in... well, two days.

I wanted to write about games in this Chats as well, but it’s just far too long, and far too good to spoil. I have many thoughts of Wolfenstein 2, that’s really all.

But it’s worth noting that even though I may not be writing everyday going forward, I don’t see Sunday Chats ending anytime soon. People just seem to like it too much, and I definitely love it.

But until next Sunday, at the very least,

keep it real.

#video games #gaming #projects #sunday #your projects #sunday chats

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