#thinking how horrible it will be not to get the job but also how much will my life change if i do get it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

windcarvedlyre · 2 days

Text

Thinking about Venti's role as an archon and how he might be doing his job- as Celestia intended- better than we think.

Archons, in Gnosticism, rule over the material realm and prevent souls from leaving it. Barbatos, in the Ars Goetia, "reconciles disputes between friends and those who hold power".

Everything we know about Venti implies that he hates Celestia and opposes all forms of tyranny, but if their goal is to keep humanity from advancing, realising the truth of the world and taking actions that could threaten the status quo...

...isn't the best way to prevent rebellions and slow progress to make the people you rule content with what they have?

Venti is all about making his people's lives leisurely and seemingly free (I'll get to that in a second). It's in his gemstone quote, the thing which summarises his approach as an archon:

"Still, the winds change direction. "Someday, they will blow towards a brighter future… "Take my blessings and live leisurely from this day onward."

We see this reflected in Mondstadt's culture and economy. There are still hardworking individuals in the Knights of Favonius, the Church of Favonius and the Adventurer's Guild, but this attitude isn't universal even within those organisations and the rest of Mondstadt's people generally have a slow, relaxed approach to life relative to other nations. They haven't produced any internationally notable industries outside of alcohol, and why would they? They have everything they need, graciously provided by the anemo archon himself*, so why strive for more?

This has already left them vulnerable to the whims of more powerful nations, incapable of meaningfully opposing the Fatui without inviting consequences they can't handle.

*Also see Jean's story quest for a scaled-down version of this. Mondstadt's general population relies on her hard work a bit too much and she enables them.

We also see Mondstadt have a softening effect on outsiders multiple times in-game. There are at least three cases of people questioning their life choices because its people and/or scenery are that nice. Two are branches of hangout events, one is a soon-to-be-ex treasure hoarder chilling on Cider Lake's coast. I've joked that Mond is a lotus eater hotel scaled up to a nation based on this, but what if that's somewhat intentional?

But why would he do this?

It could be an unintended side effect of efforts to improve people's quality of life. He was allegedly naive enough not to forsee the aristocracy situation, after all. But at the same time... he's a god of freedom and hope in a world where his people have no hope of freedom.

-Harmost's Notes (II), Remuria.

He knows what happens to human civilisations that advance too far and attempt to rebel against this world. He likely knows a god much like him, themed around music and desperate to free his people from fate, tried and failed horribly. He lives in the shadow of a celestial needle. The Cataclysm would only reinforce this perceived futility of resistance. He still hopes for a brighter future, but he may be pinning all of his hopes on a descender taking pity on Teyvat's people and choosing to help them. To quote the description of Mondstadt Statues of the Seven:

A monumental stone statue that watches over Mondstadt. Legends say that it was sculpted in the image of the Anemo Archon. "Seeds brought by the wind will grow over time." The statue silently anticipates the arrival of a noble soul to arrive, while thousand winds of time will soon unfold a new story...

Apart from that, what else can he do besides be passive and complacent? Besides make his people comfortable and hope they don't rock the boat too much before liberation is actually possible?

And the thing about resolving disputes with those in power worries me. It could just translate into his pacifism, but it could also mean he's less willing to act against Celestia than we'd hope. Why did the Tsaritsa, the only archon named after a saint and willing to take a stand against Celestia, fall out with him? He has reasons to be pissed at her methods but I suspect that won't be the only factor.

All we can do is wait and see.

#this is throwing things at the wall; hope it's coherent #am i cooking with this #genshin #genshin lore #venti

83 notes · View notes

seafoamreadings · 3 days

Text

week of may 12th, 2024

these are written predominantly for the *rising* signs but they are also intuitively "channeled" enough that they should work for any dominant energy you have! (try your sun if you don't know rising, or more advanced readers can try moon, anywhere you have a stellium, etc and see what works best for you!)

aries: you may experience some struggles with your reputation this week, or perhaps a clash between how people see you in person compared to how your reputation appears publicly as its own entity. it is worth doing a little intentional cultivation of your public image.

taurus: what a good week to be a taurean. unexpected gifts, opportunities, and new ideas arise for you. people may accuse you of moving slowly or thinking too stubbornly but you know what you're about and the benefits of taking your time.

gemini: the ingress of mercury from aries to taurus is unlikely to be your favorite vibe. you tend to prefer flitting from one thing to the next, taking in a bit of everything; taurus is stolid and not fast-paced enough for everyone. just try to be patient and appreciate a job well done, which sometimes takes time.

cancerians: it can be tempting to seek all your support in life from a significant other, a desired life partner. but this is not always possible or even truly desirable. this week likely reminds you of the importance of the larger social support system. see also if you can provide some of that same type of social support to someone who needs you.

leo: try not to take it too personally if people don't treat you quite as you want to be treated this week, or if you aren't seen quite as you wish or try to be seen. these influences are fleeting. living authentically is the key.

virgo: earth vibes are up right now and it suits you and helps you maintain your balance. the start of mercury in taurus is particularly good for you intellectually and mentally. on the other hand ceres going retrograde in capricorn might conceivably throw you off a bit, but only temporarily. let any unforeseen hiccups bring you into your inner world and see where you need to do a bit of inner work.

libra: although you may feel a bit weighed down and fatigued, the astrology does actually support you in that - it's a healing process and it demands rest, so where you are tired, you are still needing to hold still for a while. if you are bursting with energy, much has already been done.

scorpio: taurean energy continues - sun, jupiter, uranus, venus, mercury all hyped up. your relationships are therefore likely abuzz. any enemies you have, or simply people without your best interests at heart who might cause you to stumble, are revealed and, hopefully without too much effort due to much benefic presence, they are also largely disarmed.

sagittarius: while taurus season is lovely and pleasurable for many, perhaps including yourself, it's likely you've been itching to speed something up or get something going. this is the last week before the sun moves into gemini to light up your seventh house!

capricorn: ceres going retrograde in your sign may have you feeling a bit undernourished or hesitant to nourish yourself, but do not hesitate. it's more important than ever. meanwhile a bunch of fun things happen in taurus and your 5th house, so embrace nourishing your inner child as well. (and any actual children you have, please).

aquarius: on their journeys through taurus, the sun and venus both conjoin your ruling planet uranus this week. these are good times to intentionally beautify your home in dramatic ways. maybe nothing horribly permanent though - try a temporary wall paper or stick on tiles or something. this fresh energy invites new wonderful things in - especially do something nice for your door and entryway.

pisces: if you have any siblings it is very auspicious this week to bond with them. and if not, or if you are much too estranged, cousins or neighbors or your nearby community will also do well. finding likeminded thinkers online is also favorable in such a time.

#horoscopes #horoscope #weekly horoscope #weekly horoscopes #astrology #signs #zodiac #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces

66 notes · View notes

thetorturedbuckydepartment · 1 day

Text

chapter two: making amends

pairing: Bucky barnes x plus-sized!reader

summary: Six months ago, you were appointed to be Head Nurse to the Avengers by Tony Stark. Every day, you count your lucky stars, knowing the horrible past you quickly ditched back in England. It holds you back, restrains you, from getting close to anyone when on your new job.

That's until you met and fell in love with Bucky Barnes. The supposed assassin with a heart of gold, who seems to be eager to get to know you. To peel back your layers piece by piece, but could you trust him once you're laid before him raw and vulnerable?

warnings: language, mentions of disordered eating, mentions of past bullying, heavy descriptions of food and eating

word count: 1.8k

Taglist: @scott-loki-barnes @cjand10

A/N: chapter two is here! if you're enjoying pls reblog / like / comment and let me know!! also comment if you want to be added to the taglist!

PREVIOUS PART -- CHAPTER ONE: THE BOLTER

For the next month or so, you do your best to avoid him, even though you ache for him to walk past the infirmary and every time he magically appears like you’ve wished, bruised up from sparring or a cut from cooking, you ignore him.

The second he walks in, you try your best to look busy, or send him off with a quick Bandaid. The injuries he comes in with are never anything serious, and you wonder who he’s here for. Even when another nurse tends to him, you can feel his eyes run down your spine, like you’re the object of his desires.

It’s so hard to keep yourself away, to deny it when you feel him staring at you like a heavy weight on your back, especially when it creates such a chasm in your chest to turn him away. But he keeps coming back, and your resolve keeps waning and waxing like the crescent moon.

It’s one such instance when you’re restocking the medical supplies like bandages and syringes, when Bucky creeps up on you, as you hum away to whatever song is stuck in your head. The infirmary is completely empty at this point, everyone retiring for the night seeing as there are currently no missions for any of the squad. As Head Nurse, you keep yourself in charge of supplies, diligently noting all the numbers by hand even when FRIDAY can do it for you just as well.

“Hey.” He breathes, you name entangled in the exhalation. You jump out of your skin, turning around and dropping the large box of gauze you hold, tiny plastic packets ricocheting off the floor. He’s leaning on the doorframe, but immediately pushes himself off, extending both hands toward you, as if to show you he’s unarmed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” His adorable face twists in concern, and when your soul finally finds its way back into your body, you let out a shaky laugh.

“It’s okay, James. I just thought I was all alone in here, and I didn’t hear you come in.” You kneel on the floor and start gathering the spilled items back on the floor, and he crouches to help you. Your hand brushes his vibranium one, and you pull away from the spark of electricity that jolts up your spine, but unbeknownst to you, Bucky reads the entire situation quite differently.

“I wanted to talk to you.” Your eyes flit up and meet his, the look in them indiscernible. What could he possibly want to talk to you about? You find yourself getting lost, stranded in the sea hues of his irises, and you stand up.

“To me? What about?” He too rises, and the height difference between you and him makes you swallow a gasp, marvelling at how much bigger he is than you.

“Are you afraid of me?” He asks, staring down at his hands facing palms up, his tone so soft it moves you. The space between your bodies has never felt bigger, and you itch to close it.

“No, of course not. Why would you think that?” You take a step in his direction, silently begging him to meet your eyes, no matter how distracting they are.

“Of my past. Are you sure? Not even a little?” You immediately pick up what he’s putting down, what the forlorn look in his eyes is referring to.

“No,” you assure him firmly, “I wouldn’t be scared of you for that. That wasn’t you. I— I don’t want to bring it up, but…you were used as a vessel for horrible evil. But that doesn’t mean you did it. That’s not who you are, James. Steve loves you, you guys have saved the world time and time again. He trusts you, so does everyone else in this building. Why would I be scared of that?” You tilt your head, searching his startled expression.

“Then why are you avoiding me?” He takes another step towards you, and all of a sudden it’s too short a distance and you take a step back, spine crashing against the shelves and in your haste almost miss the tortured look that paints across his features for a split second.

“I—um…You called me really pretty.” You decide to be truthful. He clearly didn’t expect those words to leave your mouth

“So you skip dinner?”

“What? I…I don’t skip. I just don’t like eating in front of people, and I’m quite busy. You know, being a nurse and all.” Your heart catches in your throat at the fact that maybe he’s figured you out. And it’s true, you don’t attend dinner with the rest of people in your building, and it really is because you don’t like eating in the presence of other people. But… he doesn’t need to know the rest.

“Sure. All three times a day?” You nod, unable to speak as your cheeks light themselves on fire.

“Oh, come on, just admit it. You’re afraid of me.” He lunges at you, but you don’t move. It’s not him you’re afraid of, just of how he makes you feel. You can’t explain that, it would just be embarrassing.

“I’m not. I already told you.” He’s so close it’s hard to focus when you can smell him and it makes your eyes erratically flutter at just how fucking good his cologne smells, stimulating pretty much all of your sense as you try to hold his gaze.

Has the colour blue always been so consuming?

“Then why is it that every time I come down here, you do everything in your power to avoid me, or to send me back as quick as humanly possible?” He cradles your head in his human hand, and the warmth radiating off of his body makes you melt.

“You called me pretty.” You repeat. “I thought you were making fun of me.”

The silence is deafening and you watch the gears in his pretty head turn as he formulates a reply. “I wasn’t. I meant it— I mean it.” You huff out a laugh, shaking it off. “Really, I wasn’t joking, or making fun of you. I mean it, I do think you’re really pretty. Respectfully.” The mild internet reference coaxes a smile out of you.

“Okay.”

“Come with me. I want to do something with you.” You blink at him incredulously and silently nod, and he grins and takes your hand. You try to not stumble over yourself at the way he’s touching you, or the way he looks when he smiles as he drags you to the kitchen.

It’s quite late at night, and it seems everyone is asleep. “Everyone’s off to do karaoke, or drinks or something. I don’t know, I didn’t ask.” You tug at your sleeves as he fiddles with something on the ridiculously large stove unsure of where to stand or what to do.

“You’re not a fan of large crowds, are you? Me neither. It’s always too loud and hot everywhere —Guess I’m just not like other girls.” He laughs at that, and you smile, the sardonic joke landing exactly as you intended.

When Bucky turns around, he’s holding two plates of food. “Now, apparently there’s this one really popular show I haven’t watched, I was wondering if you wanted to with me?” You stare at him, stomach grumbling at an embarrassing volume.

“Depends on what show it is.”

“I don’t really remember. It was supposed to be funny? Sam recommended it to me, it’s called Annabelle. Apparently, it’s about a girl and her doll?” A laugh escapes you before you can stop it.

“Is Sam already back to his tricks? James, Annabelle is a horror movie franchise where the main premise is some evil demon possesses a doll and wreaks havoc on whoever has it. It’s not funny, but you can laugh at it. Some of the VFX are horrible, and the jumpscares are cheap.”

“BFX?” He tilts his head to the side as you approach him, smiling at his childlike innocence.

“VFX. It stands for Visual effects, I’m pretty sure.” He processes your words, eyebrows furrowed so cutely you could cry and try to smooth it with your thumb.

“Oh. Well in that case you can choose. You like burgers, right? I asked FRIDAY what your go-to meal is, and she said you like them. I hope you don’t mind, I made them how I used to, before the world went to shit.” He offers you a meek smile, extending one plate to you, loaded to high heaven with fries that make your mouth water by smell alone. You take the plate, a beautiful sage green decorated with artistic splatters of darker hues, unable to say no.

“Oh. Yes, thank you. You didn’t have to do this, though.” You don’t look up to meet his eyes, too scared of what emotions dwell in them. He wishes you would though, wishes you would look at him longer than in five second bursts.

“I did. I thought maybe you’d like me a little more,” he chuckles ever so sadly and you finally grant him his secret wish. “What? I do like you, but just… we’ve already discussed it, and unfortunately the only time I’d see you is during meals. It’s not you, James. It’s me.” You move to sit down on the comfortable black couch situated in front of the ostentatiously massive TV screen, waiting for Bucky to join you.

“Then why do you call me James?” He sits awfully close to you, but you don’t mind. Not when it’s cold and he’s so warm. He stares down at you, once again silently begging you to meet his gaze.

“Your third day here, one trainee tried calling you Bucky. You berated him to high heaven and gave him a beating to match. He told me you don’t like people who aren’t close to you calling you Bucky. I don’t think I could survive a beating like that, to be honest.” You laugh, slowly beginning to eat, not worried for half a minute on his thoughts on the matter. He seems more focused on your words.

“You can call me Bucky, if you want. I don’t mind. You’re not a trainee, you’re the Head Nurse of this place, doll. Who would I be to deny the very woman who’ll patch me up the second I get a scratch?” He begins to dig into his food too, and to your joy, you’re not the one eating the most. Not that you’d shame him for it, how on Earth could you when you’ve been on the receiving end of it? But it’s nice to sit with someone who definitely won’t judge you.

“Okay…Bucky.” He smiles at you, bright and dazzling and you’re fucked. Completely, utterly, thoroughly fucked.

NEXT PART

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x plus size reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #x plus size reader #marvel

51 notes · View notes

opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months

Text

...

#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

8 notes · View notes

robotic-maid · 10 months

Text

How things are going again… update I guess? Still can’t figure out how to read more on mobile. I’m just typing this out so it can leave my head.

#nights are really hard for me #mornings are also really hard for me #I think my jobs burning me out #and I haven’t been able to sleep very well much at all #I’ve only been getting 3-5 hours if I’m lucky because my nightmares are really bad so I usually just stay awake #I mean I have to get up at 4am anyway so what’s the point #do you know how it feels to be in pain but you can’t cry because your body’s grown so used to it?#so it feels like crying because it’s Wednesday again #which I can’t justify because tommorrow is Thursday and that is your new normal #your new normal is working so hard you don’t have the time to see your dog and your cars ac is out and you spend all your money on the room #you sleep in 15 minutes away from the office you are stuck at more than 11hoirs a day #you ask your job to adjust your schedule and they say they can’t without cutting your hours and you need the money to survive #it’s too much #but feeling this way or not feeling this way won’t make a difference because the only other options will make your living situation harder #I’m so tired but I don’t have any better options right now so I have to keep waking up and working #I feel horrible spending time with me friends because I get tired after an hour and I worry that I’ve become #too flaky or something #I can’t stay up late and I’m already stressed out so I just can’t keep up with everyone and I don’t want to be a drain #I wish my heart would just stop some times #my meds stop me from hurting myself or crying or sleeping too long but these feelings always come to me when I wake up #I’m disappointed I woke up again #I don’t want to keep doing this I don’t know how long I can keep going #my body is breaking down like my car is breaking down #I don’t want to keep doing this I need more than a day off work a week I want to see my dog I don’t want to be poor but I don’t want to #wake up just to spend all day in an office getting yelled at while my coworkers come in and leave before me #I know I can do this I know I need to keep doing this I know there’s nothing better for me than this #I shouldn’t say these horrible things out loud because they’ll just wear me down faster #there’s nothing that will help me I need to help myself #this is en endurance test and I need to keep it up because if I fail I will lose so much more than I have #I wish I could cry I wish I could break down and scream but what would be the point? it won’t help it won’t fix anything m

8 notes · View notes

mo-ok · 5 months

Text

the fucking konjac

#changerion lb #this totally isnt an excuse to go on a little bit of a rant in the tags #(it is)#anyway - as a recovering addict (not from alcohol but still)#i cannot express how happy i am that it was the obviously nasty bad guy that killed the darkzide monster in this episode and NOT akira #this guy was shown to be meek and down trodden and just trying to cope with the horrible situation he was in #he was SEEKING OUT HELP #but his only avenue for help was the brutal fucking 'get better or i'll kill you' mentality from Gauzer and it didnt work in the slightest #idk where i'm really going with this #i just wanna say its comforting #seeing a show say that you gotta be a pretty nasty guy to think second chances are a limited resource #akira is constantly being given second chances (whether financially or with his friendships/relationships)#and i'm actually so so so happy that he didnt have to kill this particular monster #also i think it did a good job setting up Gauzer as a villain (i know i certainly dont like him very much lmao)#anyway enjoy the konjac screenshots

4 notes · View notes

butchvamp · 9 months

Text

every job i actually want either requires 3 degrees and 5 billion years of experience or is unpaid volunteer work this shit fucking sucks. trapped in hell oscillating between retail and food service until i kill myself i guess

#i did unpaid work for like 3 yrs before covid where all i did was make a living stipend #and honestly most of those jobs were the best jobs i've ever had #even tho i was flat broke the entire time #at least it was kinda fun #my job now is just Miserable #and its the only kind of job i can get so #i can really only see myself feeling fulfilled doing trail work again #or doing work for some kind of lgbt organization #unfortunately i dont think i'll ever do trail work again since my body is slowly deteriorating lol #and most work for lgbt orgs is volunteer or office work which i Can do like. anyone can send an email #but they require degrees and like years of experience and all the ones i apply to i never ever hear back #i hate my current job so much to the point where i like fantasize abt kms before getting to work every morning lmfao #but i also know getting a new job wont fix the problem #cus the only jobs i can get are all the same and are all horrible #like going from target to another retail chain that is exactly the same or going back to food service #which is even worse.#cool how this is just my life forever. work a bad job you hate until you die! and that's it

3 notes · View notes

ethereiling · 7 months

Text

counted up how much time i spend doing nothing but work + sleep + eat and turns out it leaves me with like 2 and a quarter hours of true free time a day at most and . well. i think i know why im so fatigued lmao

#avpswjy #like i knew it was about that much but seeing it counted up is. a bit dire #literally if i didnt have sleep issues that REQUIRE me to sleep 9ish hours a night id be fine #but no i have to do that or i get horrible migraines :)#also i didnt count stuff like.. basic chores and prepping for bed which is at least like 30 min? so that leaves me with. under two hours #genuinely how am i supposed to live like this!! please #i was gonna just power thru with the mandatory overtime but like. its been months with no update #and they keep saying soon ! and im like bitch When #maybe if there was an end date in sight i could stay strong but it. could be months more. and i cant do that #it stresses me out sm because like i like this job! i like the people there! but i cant live like this #i wish i could just make stories but i. dont have the following or skills for that #i dont care about still needing to learn but it sucks when im prevented from doing stuff i care about bc of it. lmao #i dont want to just despair nonstop but it kind of sucks when every time i start to think things will finally be manageable and okay #it turns out that its still like extremely too much for me #anyway :) i have to go back to work tmmr after a week of being sick #and im so scared of being told that i have to make up all the time i wasnt working #bc i ran out of pto #but like brother. i cannot do it. im already so fatigued. i cant do it #i just hope that it goes okay :')

4 notes · View notes

sherlock-is-ace · 2 years

Text

#i am freaking the fuck ouuuutttt!!! I have a job interview tomorrow #(firt one of my life) and i'm so anxiouuuussss #dfkjghdfkgfg #my friend knows the people that are interviewing me and says they're nice and i believe her but also i'm so scared lol #i had a phonecall today with people from this job and i didn't panic and talked like a normal person #my mom says i did very well (which is a lot since i had a panic attack last time this was a posibility)#but tomorrow is a zoom call and they're gonna see my face (and hopefully be ok with a clearly trans person pre everything)#and i will have to sell myself and my skills and i hate doing that #god i hate this but also need the job kdjfhgkdfg #like i'm trying to think about how scared i was to start uni and how i met the most awesome people ever when i was there #and how much i panicked on my first final exam trying to defend it in front of my teacher and how easy it ended up being #like i'm thinking about the interview as a uni final #but also i'm scared they will ask things i don't know the answer to #or that my already planned answers will have follow up questions kdjhkdg #i'm so scaaaared #i probably won't be able to sleep at all tonight #thinking how horrible it will be not to get the job but also how much will my life change if i do get it #it all makes me anxious lol #uuuuuugggghhh wish me luck fkdkdfg #angel talks #personal

17 notes · View notes

schadenfreudich · 2 years

Text

Was looking if there is literally any apartment in my area, and there is just none.

(At least based on size, because I can't have any that's bigger than 45 qm, if I remember that correctly, because that's the most the jobcenter would pay for, and there is technically one, but that one is in the far off village with the worst possible public transport and no store in the village, so you have to have a car to be able to live there. Or the little bit of public transport would also be too expensive, because fuck having public transport that is actually usable by people who are most dependent on it, fuck you, germany)

#the german government is just constantly ignoring poor people #especially those who can't have a job and just keep discouraging them from trying #when hartz iv is way too little but trying to have a part time job means you would lose most of that money #which. why would you work for hours if you only get like 30 euros extra #also public transport in villages and small towns is just horrible #i can barely afford going to my therapist twice a month because it's already over 30 euros #and the bus only takes 1 hour there and 1 hour back #and then they wonder why people aren't taking the bus #besides how villages barely get a bus #or how there is almost nothing on weekends #also just getting hartz iv already makes it almost impossible to get an apartment #because landlords think of us as the worst possible people #while we also get treated like shit by the jobcenter #i really hate this. okay? i had to deal with this for almost 4 years now #and it's not fun at all #at least i don't get so much pressuring to take whatever shitty job they have for me #because they themselves say i'm not able to work #-isaac

2 notes · View notes

kaeyaphile · 2 years

Text

what with gas being over $5/gallon and my job being 30 miles away and my car being old and falling apart and my job as a cashier making my chronically ill body hurt a ridiculous amount even after working a miniscule 4 hour shift... i've decided to be a massive jerk and no call no show for my shift today because honestly the cons outweigh the pros of going to work unfortunately and i discussed it with my father and he refuses to tell me what to do but agrees that the drive is not worth it and honestly what with how everything is going and how my physical and mental state has been i desperately need a job where i can just be at home and i'm probably going to regret quitting out of nowhere because the company i work for has been very good to me... should i go in and give them a two week notice? yes. am i going to do that? no. should i least call them and let them know what's going on? yes. am i going to? no i'm just gonna no call no show like i said because i simply cannot do this shit anymore this job makes my chronically ill body hurt like a sonofabitch and it makes me absolutely miserable... is this going to turn out to be a horrible decision and come back to bite me in the ass? possibly but i mean i'm constantly stressed and exhausted and miserable and in pain at this current job so like... what is even the point lmao

#kayleigh.txt #i've already applied to 4 work at home jobs lmfao #it'll take some training and getting used to it but i think this'll be very good for me #the job won't be super enjoyable but the one i'm working right now is atrocious so i mean #also i won't have to worry about the pandemic or anything as much #which is good because i have two autoimmune diseases and y e a h #anyways i'm gonna cry it out a bit because i feel like a horrible human being #but this is all for the best tbqh #especially considering how much i call out at this job anyways like i feel like it'll be a relief for them to not have to deal with me

2 notes · View notes

bittleholtz · 2 years

Text

severancenatural. is that anything.

#spn #no but really like imagine it #obviously an au where the winchesters arent hunters but still horrible awful traumatic childhood bc john sucks #so dean takes a severed job for similar reasons as mark bc he wants 8 hours a day where he at least doesnt know WHY hes miserable #and its working its fine #sam disapproves bc obviously he would #ik that the severance stuff is very similar to sammys hell wall and the reintegration of all those memories reminds me a lot of petey #BUT i think that realistically sam would think the severance procedure is horribly immoral #ANYWAYS #moving on #cas also works on the severed floor #idk if theyd be in the same department or not i havent decided #i dont want to completely copy severances actual plot but its hard bc theres so much i dont know abt lumen and stuff ahdjfk #BUT. i do think cas would have a similar storyline as helly where he chose a severed job bc of his family #bc 1) the severed floors remind me so much of heaven already and 2) so do the management #i dont think hed be actively trying to escape though i think hed be more subtle about it #eventually they fall in love and decide they need to find each other Outside but have no idea how to do that #i think maybe cas would find the reintegration person (ringhabi? id probably make them a spn character but. u know who i mean)#and do his whole thing and then find dean on the outside and try to explain everything but keep getting disoriented and confused #idk how it ends but like. they fall in love and they escape they get out of there and also reintegration doesnt kill them bc it would make #me cry #this was a lot and im not sure how much of it makes sense im just stream of consciousing this shit #i also rly love the idea of starting the fic with reintegrating cas showing up on deans doorstep and him figuring out how to Deal With That

2 notes · View notes

be-good-to-bugs · 28 days

Text

i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa

#the bin #i work at 7am and its 1:23 am i have GOT to go to bad but ugh. if i go to bed then that means ill have to go to work as sokn as im conscious #so the longer i stay up the more time i have. but km gonna be so tired at work. hhhhh.#i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad #im trying to just deal with it. soon enough things are gonna change. its only 34 days till my planned moving date. i will only bave like 20 #more shifts at this job. maybe less depending on what i get given. including tomorrows shift. and tomorrows shift is only 5 hours long #and the day after its only 4 hours and then i have 2 more days off. itll be ok. but i still feel so anxious and depressed and awful #i just wanna stay home and be high all the time. i feel so lonely always. literally the only thing that helps me not feel completely crushed #and paralyzed by how lonely i am is getting high. i know its not healthy to rely on getting high to feel better about stuff but idk what #else to do so who cares. when i dont do anything about it i i stead end up relapsing or worse so i think its an ok option #i hope i can meet nice people this year. year after year it doesnt happen but so much has changed!#it makes sense i havent met people since i moved out. and everything is so different from wwhen i last lived with them #all my siblings are in school. they have people over at the hair a fair bit afaik. my dad wont be there to me make feel awful. my sister #also wont be there to me me feel awful. i can figure something out. itll be ok. it has to be.#i just want to squeeze someone. i just want like. a hug. a good cuddle. and i need to talk to someone. its been so long since u had an actul #fun time hanging out with another person. i need to watch a movie with someone and joke around and. ugh.#how did my life reach this point? what happened that resulted in me spending ages 10-19 all alone. im not even 19 yet but i will be soon #and theres not a chance ill meet someone before then esp bc im moving. when i was little i didnt have mych friends but i had some #i had such high hopes for the future. i also thought the future would be terrible but i imagined id still have friends and peopwl to talk to #all ive wanted sincei was 10 is just to have people to talk to and hangout with. but i dont have a single friend. i can hardky name anyone #besides my family and coworkers. and like aa couple of my sisters friends. there isnt even like people i know who i dont really consider #friends but we talk sometimes. if i dont go to work. call my mom. or tex a sibling. i dont see or talk to anyone period #i guess unless i go to the store. that doenst really count tho.#i want to have a friends group. i want to have A friends. just like. a person. to interact with. what happened that made mw spend the past #8 years just not interacting with anyone? whats wrong with me.#its fine tho. becausebit will change. i acan heal from this and i can meet people. even if half my conscious life has been spent all alone #it will get better. it has to.

1 note · View note

vamptastic · 3 months

Text

There's this article on early intervention for schizophrenia that was really interesting but I can't find it... I thought the way the guy who came up with the treatment model explained it was interesting. He basically talked about it like a reversible, but degenerative condition. Like the longer you go without treatment, the more your brain structure changes, and treatment becomes less effective if you've been having psychotic episodes without intervention for a long time.

I think his idea makes sense from a medical perspective, I just wonder how ethical it is, on balance. Because some of the examples of existing programs he was pointing at were involuntary and a lot of cases involved people being forced into treatment after an arrest or through use of the Baker Act (or similar family overrides). It seems like the way things are right now, it may be difficult to actually make the early intervention model the mainstream mode of treatment without resorting to enforcing it through the authorities and through involuntary commitment. Like there's no real attempt to pursue informed consent with the patient. Genuinely, I have encountered a fair number of people who would rather be on the street with unmedicated schizophrenia than employed and housed while taking antipsychotics. I experienced a less extreme version of that before starting SSRIs - when you are mentally ill, you often feel as though your episodes are the only time you experience the 'truth', and that you are losing some kind of profound insight or your fundamental humanity by taking medication. I can't imagine how much stronger that feeling is when you are experiencing full-on hallucinations.

And you're not going to catch everybody with early intervention, some people are always going to go under the radar. I suppose I just worry that if early intervention becomes the mainstream mode of treatment, people who did not have it due to circumstance or refused it will be left in the dust. It makes sense if your goal is to have the least amount of people suffering from hallucinations and delusions, but I wonder if the goal of helping people still comfortably exist whilst experiencing those symptoms might be more beneficial.

#I also just kinda disliked the authors tone when discussing the case studies they used to make their point #Like. It often felt as though they were being kinda disrespectful to the ' failed ' case where the man did not recieve intervention #And trying to show how crazy he was and how horrible that he didn't get help #But there's not a lot of his voice in there. Just his family. I wish they had asked him what he thinks. He seemed very intelligent #And he was also like... Not necessarily suffering horribly. Like he was obviously delusional. But he was in a good group home #And iirc had a part-time job. He could've achived much more with early intervention but idk. Would he be happier?#Like. It'd be better if he had better treatment early on for sure. Especially because iirc this guy did seek it out #But it's not like every schizophrenic is some tortured genius and had his true potential stolen by a disease... Or whatever #And that strikes me as a dangerous way to look at it. I just didn't like the whole... Meritocratic tone

0 notes