man. sdam sucks

wish it was more widely known :(((

🍕to find this later

Aita: i called the pizza my husband was eating nasty

For some context, this will seem random but it may factor into emotions right now

My husbands best friend just moved in with us 3 days ago

My mother in laws dog was diagnosed with cancer today, and will be put down tomorrow. Everyone is very heartbroken

We were in the car after getting some groceries and my husband mentioned he was thinking of picking up pizza since he knows no one has eaten much today and definitely wont feel like cooking

I dont like pizza much, i especially dont like little caesers, im very very open about this and always have been. If im ever given a choice i never choose little caesers, but if i am hungry enough ill eat a slice or two.

We all have really dark senses of humor and often poke fun of each other and of each other's interests and laugh it off no big deal. We do this daily

So I'm sitting in the bedroom playing games, my husband and his best friend are hanging out in the living room. My husband comes over to the bedroom and says hey Im going to pick up pizza Ill be right back

Time passes and the pizza comes and everyone goes and sits at the dining room table to eat. Theres three boxes, two different types of pizza, my husbands favorite, stuffed crust, and my usual favorite thin crust. Everyones talking and I don't remember exactly what was said but my husband mentions something about thin crust my favorite or something like that. I say something like "actually with little ceasers i prefer the normal pizza the thin crust doesnt have much sauce and i like the sauce". I finish eating and get on to my handheld console and keep playing my game, half paying attention to the conversation. At some point, I honestly don't remember at all what I said or what was being said, but I remember vaguely my husband saying the box they got is "normal pizza" and i said no its not his is stuffed crust which is nasty. I was being playful, i dont like pizza to begin with, i like the crust even less, and stuffed crust just really really isnt my thing.

A few minutes later i notice my phone has a notification, i look to see a text from my husband saying I was being rude because his friend paid for the food.

I was at first extremely confused, was me playing games at the table rude? They were using their phones while eating and talking so i didnt think so. Was it because i said i didnt like the thin crust? At this point i genuinely dont remember saying the stuffed crust is nasty and dont understand what i did wrong. I text him back asking what he was talking about and he says that i called the food nasty. I thought about it and vaguely recall saying it Playfully but again i was paying attention to my game and not so much to what was being said so i dont even remember for sure.

I got really upset and kind of mad, I had just been joking and i never say ugly things to people ever so it hurt that he assumed i ment the worst.

Even then there had been absolutely no way for me to know his friend bought it. He told me he was thinking of buying pizza then he said he was going to pick it up. Plus it happened to be my and his favorite pizzas so it seemed like he picked them. I had been in a different room there was no way i could of known what they planned or who paid or anything.

Plus whenever he buys or cooks food i always tell him his is gross or nasty or w/e Playfully. And he calls my food gross too. We joke like this all the time.

And even still, weve been together for three years and weve known each other longer than that. He knows i dont like pizza. He knows i dont like crusts. Its not a strange thing for me to be vocal about it. In faxt itd be strange if i didnt because like ive mentioned we Always poke fun of each other's foods and of each other.

And maybe this is just a me thing but. I dont feel like its rude to call something like little caesers nasty, especially around people who know i dont like it? Itd be one thing if it was a strangers cooking id say something polite like "i dont think its for me" or just say it was good if i wont see them again. Or if i was at someone's house and they bought pizza for everyone. But for all intents and purposes it seemed like my husband bought it and, i cant stress enough how normal it is for us to pick fun at each others foods. He makes fun of my subway order all the time. I always call little caesers gross.

I dont know if feelings are just tense because the beloved family pet passed

Or if he's feeling extra defensive of his friend since he just barely moved in

Or if im in the wrong entirely for being upset and it actually is highly rude of me. Though. I genuinely dont understand since we make fun of each others food all the time. So if i am the asshole can people please try to explain why because i genuinely dont understand what made this different to him saying the black olives on my subway are gross. Or me normally saying little caesers is gross. Like i really dont get whats different so id really appreciate an explanation

What are these acronyms?

Please give us all your Baldwin thoughts (historical or movie) really love your Vizzy T posts

haha thank youuu <3 these arent all my thoughts about baldwin but right now i cant stop thinking about the line

“when i was 16 i won a great victory. i felt in that moment i would live to be 100. now i know i shall not see 30.”

baldwin says he was diagnosed with leprosy as a boy*, so its not like at this moment he just didnt know about his disease. he knew he was sick and what his fate was. but that victory, that feeling of success, overpowered the more logical parts of his brain. and he just… forgot about the reality of his situation. at least for a little while.

and sure a 16 year old boy having an “im invincible! im gonna live forever!” moment isnt anything new. but baldwin having a moment like that after getting diagnosed with a chronic degenerative (terminal? for his time period?) disease… theres something very bittersweet to me about it. makes me wonder how long that feeling of invincibility lasted. what was it that Reminded him. brought him back down.

(*irl baldwin, while suspected of having leprosy as a child, wasnt formally diagnosed until after he became king. wether they told him about these suspicions or not he wouldve still Known there was Something Wrong.)

me reading the most complete, understanding, and thorough characterization of npd while reading ur fic: who tf is telling this guy this shit

LITERALLY HOW r u so good at portraying tyrell it seriously kills me. every five seconds im just screaming at my phone "HOW DO THEY KNOW THAT. WHO TOLD THEM"

thank you! i just try to be as accurate to canon as i can be, without sacrificing anything just to make the ship work or the slow burn go faster. i think tyrell is a bit harder to get right than elliot (we see the whole series through elliots perspective and have access to his thoughts, so hes more familiar) so im happy you think im doing something right, lol.

if you want a little bit of Cainight Lore i was diagnosed with a personality disorder about a year ago (szpd) after i was forced to attend government mandated therapy due to numerous suicide attempts lol. its kind of ironic that i love reading/writing fanfiction so much because irl i have absolutely no interest in romance. i hate therapy and am ambivalent toward psychiatry in general, so im really resistant to accepting this diagnosis, even tho i do have all of the symptoms. im not really in the business of trying to diagnose characters, but on the most basic level, i do understand the minimal diagnostic criteria for PDs just from personal experience. i think the identity issues tyrell faces definitely qualify (and ofc are literary parallels to elliots own identity issues, caused by did).

interestingly tho despite the fact that theyre pretty toxic for each other, i think their respective mental problems kind of balance each other out, in a way. theres a lot of fanworks out there that try to diminish tyrells arrogance, for example, or make elliot more outwardly affectionate, but i just dont think thats realistic. i think the characters are way more interesting with their flaws preserved. i also dont take the standard view that people with personality disorders (esp cluster b) are inherently evil or anything, which is the sentiment i think most people have. on a personal level, i actually really dont care about antisocial traits, although most people do. i wont get too much into my personal life because thats not really the point, but ive known lots of people who probably qualify for a cluster b diagnosis, and i find i often get along better with them than “regular” people.

thanks again for your nice comment, im happy youre enjoying the fic so far!

I don't mean to overstep so feel free to ignore this ask but do you really have narcolepsy. Could you tell me more about narcolepsy and how it affects you?

From and ignoramus anon

Hi you arent over stepping, no worries. Sorry for the delay, I have a hard time answering back anybody, and ive been sleeping a ton.

So, when I wrote that I had Narcolepsy in my bio, it was a few months ago & for different health reasons I wasnt able to get the final results of my final sleep study test (4th one.) Narcolepsy was what was most likely, especially since my primary doctor said her mom has narcolepsy & I wasnt even taking about sleeping problems to her, but fatigue was mentioned because I was explaining my symptoms that point towards a few autoimmune disorders….and she asked a few questions & said I sounded exactly like her mom who has Narcolepsy & it took her like 20 years to get diagnosed…. At first i was like nahhhh because the only knowledge I had of it was from tv. She gave me a referral to a sleep doctor but I ignored it for a few months, before doing research because my sleep keeps getting worse.

Then actually going, they dont really believe you at first. Insurance also makes you jump through hoops & i had to wait months each time, &the day of a sleep study, my insurance would finally say Not approved…so id have to reschedule. Its been a huge headache and hassle. I had to prove to the doctor and insurance basically how i dont have sleep apnea or restless leg syndrome or anything else before they will consider Narcolepsy. and even then the test for Narcolepsy is so difficult to pass, if you fail else, then they will diagnose you as Idiopathic Hypersomnia meaning they dont know whats wrong with you. but something is off. thats the official diagnosis, but Narcolepsy and IH are both treated very similar. Oh and theres two types of Narcolepsy, one being the more known one with cataplexy (like fainting and dropping out of nowhere at all times sleeping) & there is N2 that is basically without cataplexy (I dont drop out of nowhere and sleep)

So yeah, the results that finally came out said on some of my naps I fell asleep in 9 minutes & basically the criteria for narcolepsy is so strict it has to be under 8 minutes. i was like….thats pretty close. But nah they wanna use math and average it out and blah blah I dont qualify as technically narcolepy. I got diagnosed with Idiopathic Hypersomnia instead. I would be more irritated but at least its treated similar or the same. It was noted i have 0% sleep apnea & he said it is very strange that for an adult, I sleep so deeply, like I hit the deepest parts of sleep that usually just babies and children get to. Soooo I tried to get him to think on that….like bro im telling you I sleep that deeply and that much AND still have to continue napping thru the day. I sleep so much. Its impacting my life. And its weirdly gotten worse over the pandemic, altho I have always been like this.

Um sorry Idk if that answered your question bc I wouldve gotten more specific how narcolepsy affects me n stuff. But since I just finally got the official diagnosis of IH instead & its technically not Narcolepsy, i didnt know if u wanted to know more. In my every day life, im probably going to still call it Narcolepsy tbh bc thats what people know a little more about. Theyll be like “oh she really does have a sleeping disorder” does that make sense?

Anyway you can ask more questions if you want:)

this might come out of nowhere, but how did you find out you have schizoid personality disorder? (if you don't want to answer for whatever reason then that's understandable, you may ignore or delete this ask ^_^ thank you for your time, regardless)

ummm hi anon. whoever you are. dont take me as like the paradigm of szpd but it wasnt super complicated for me . i cant really remember why i started specifically looking into personality disorders but it was just kind of like "ummm… hey… why does that sound exactly like me 🤨.." so after looking into it a bit more (which is soo difficult i dont think you need me to tell you just how hard it is to find more resources about szpd) i showed my friends (of which at the time i only had 2 close ones) and my parents and they were pretty much just like Yeah that really does sound like you. and i was like Huh okay. and it just started clicking with me. like all the pieces just fit together. like ill try not to go into immense detail because honestly i could talk all day about this. but id say it started manifesting around 16 for me, which was coincidentally during quarantine (which i strongly believe had an impact on me). like as a kid id always been quieter and more ""shy"" but i was still very emotional and desired close contact with my friends. i was very touchy and hung out with people all the time. i had very strong ambitions for art as a future career yada yada. but after this pretty much any desire for close relationships and motivation i had slooowly melted away. it wasnt a very sudden change like it took the power of hindsight to realize just how little i cared about things now. also just for reference im not officially diagnosed but i do think thats the nature of most schizoids to not want to go to therapy. i did try briefly but its just in my nature to not want to open up to people especially strangers even if it is someone who wants to help. like i really dont feel like theres anything wrong with me or that theres something to be fixed. im pretty content continuing to exist like this. its not debilitating. i dont feel lonely because i have no desire to be around people anyways. so yeah i guess if you want advice really just scour the internet for anything on szpd you can find. it took me awhile to start genuinely realizing im a schizoid just because of like.. inherently who we are. i guess. so just take your time theres no rush. also not sure if you found me from looking in the szpd tag or not ? but if you didnt then let me recommend you this post. sorry if youve already seen it. but its one of my fav posts. id already known i was a schizoid when i first found it but it reaaaallly nailed it in for me like there was no debate of 'im just faking it' after reading this. its also good at explaining what its like to people who arent schizoid too.

hm. thinking. very long rant ahead because ive been struggling a bit lately. and i need to get a lot of stuff off my chest.

diagnostic labels are definitely deeply flawed no debate there. on and off for a long time ive wondered if i have a personality disorder but often i think it might be more related to adhd symptoms combined with depression and anxiety since those are what im diagnosed with. but idk maybe its something else. but the whole system is so flawed i dont think its actually any specific thing its just like. struggles of being neurodivergent/mentally ill. but it can be hard not to feel like i can label it well.

im like "i have adhd" cuz thats something ive technically been diagnosed with and people are like "oh so you're hyper and can't pay attention?" and like yeah sometimes a little bit. but also i have really unstable moods and im very sensitive and i feel overly reliant on outside validation and my feelings dont always make sense and its not just that work and school is difficult but it also affects my interpersonal relationships and my identity and my whole life. i can say i have depression and anxiety too but they still dont seem like the right explanation i guess? i think people see those things as being like. maybe a lot more of a one dimensional experience.

it kinda checks out since adhd is known to be connected to mood swings and hypersensitivity and stuff. plus the depression and anxiety i guess. but i feel like saying i have adhd and depression and anxiety stiff doesnt get that stuff across to people. people tend to group things like personality disorders and developmental 'disorders' like adhd and autism and mood disorders and psycotic disorders seperately but i feel like theres actually sooo much overlap and shared struggles that people dont think about. also everyones experience is so different it hardly makes sense to even try to label a bunch of people under one disorder.

idk i feel frustrated. i just feel like people dont accept that i have certain problems that are caused by my brain when they dont fit neatly into a label they can understand. and i also have a hard time feeling like my struggles are valid when i cant explain them in an acceptable way. it also makes me feel like its hard to find solidarity and community with people who share similar struggles. idk its all kinda messed up.

Undiagnosed depression.

I see a lot of people on this website talk about the struggles of depression. i think we've all seen at least one post that talks about going to therapy, or antidepressants, or something along those lines. but i never, ever, see anyone talk about the struggles of having depression, but not having it diagnosed.

my whole life, i've always felt this darkness. just lingering in the background of everything that i do. no matter how much im smiling or laughing or having a genuinely good time, as soon as that good time stops, this overwhelming feeling of sadness and despair just washes over me. and this feeling wasnt just "aw boo hoo im sad that was fun" its being sad for absolutely no reason. you dont know why your feeling this way, theres no way to stop it, and that just makes it 10x worse.

i've always known what depression was, but i didnt know the actual symptoms and full definition of it. so, when i finally learned what that was, everything clicked. it made sense now. i felt the chains that wrapped around me loosen. i finally saw a shred of hope.

Before i continue, i want to get a little bit into my history.

the first true depressive state i was ever put in, was when i was 10. my grandma had just died. my grandma and i were really close, and she was like a form of comfort to me. when i got the call.. it was like the darkness came flooding into my mind. everything good seemed to disappear, and my whole life seemed to turn upside down. that started to seep into my self image, and i got really insecure about my body. i wouldn't eat, take care of myself, talk to anyone, and barely even leave my room. Then, my dog died. i still hadnt gotten over my grandma, so this just fed the "darkness" even more. this time, i tried to be okay. it didnt work. since there was a lot going on at the moment my mind was occupied with a lot of other things. here is where the story gets dark. about a year ago, i moved across the country. me and my family drove, so it was an endless cycle of driving, and sleeping in a million hotels. this was when i started struggling with self-destructive actions and behaviors. i took a pocket knife to my arm almost every night, just because i felt it was all i could do. this then repeated when my other dog died, and sometimes just for no reason at all.

After reading all that, you can imagine how happy i was when i FINALLY found the cause for the thing that's been holding me back my ENTIRE LIFE. and then when i finally talk about it... this is the response i got.

"that's not valid"

"you need to be diagnosed. stop faking for attention"

"you dont act depressed"

"you just dont have any friends"

"you're just lonely"

"you're just overdramatic"

"you're just sad"

You're just

sad.

I dont think anyone realizes how crushing, and invalidating it feels to be in SO MUCH pain ALL THE TIME and then being told that you're faking it, or attention seeking, or that you simply dont count. Yes, a professional diagnosis is helpful for some people so that they can get help, and i too want to get a diagnosis so that i can start therapy or take antidepressants. but please, please, PLEASE dont be an asshole and invalidate people that haven't gotten a diagnosis. NEVER say that they are "faking depression" unless you have concrete fucking proof. i never wanted to be depressed. i dont want to be depressed. god, i would give anything not to feel like this, but i just.. haven't been able to do it yet. It's too sides of the same coin, but one is getting help, and the other is not.

thanks.

i wish i had the money to afford real health care and the bravery around medical professionals to just be totally honest but i spend like. so much time trying to understand why my body developed so different than everyone else ive ever known including my own family.

idk. like theres some hypochondriac part of me that always thinks like "i have some SYNDROME i never got diagnosed with!!!" and i do think that COULD be true. another part thinks maybe its some form of intersexism i just never hear about or something. either way my brain always settles on "i think for some reason i dont got enough estrogen OR testosterone and i wish a doctor could test that and tell me why im like this and if its normal or if its dangerous and esspecially if it means im infertile cuz that would rule"

but idk this experience has always left me in such a strange space. like im trans masc but i really can relate to trans fem peoples top dysphoria because theres still a part of me that feels like a failed woman for still having the chest of a child. and this experience makes me really sensitive to conversations about how if a woman looks too young or short or shaves too much its infantilizing because i cant help it. im sorry i look young but i want to be seen as an adult because i am one. it makes me really relate to characters of like 300 year old characters stuck in a childs body cuz thats genuinely how i feel a of the time. people talk about what its like to be seen as young for your age but im 25 and got mistaken for 12 last week, and before that i was told you need go be at least 15 to get a job at some place i asked about, and before that i was told you cant get a gym membership until your 15. ive had people ask a partner out on a date with me holding their hand right in front of them because they thought i was a little sibling. like. its just really frustrating that no one takes me seriously when i talk abt how much it hurts. but everyone sees me as a child so most people dont take anything i say seriously anyway. like it makes my dysphoria feel so different than anything i hear other people talk about. because it hurts to be seen as a little girl, but it always hurts to be seen as a little boy, and id rather be seen as a grown woman than a little boy, because i am so hyperaware that i am physically incapable of looking like a grown adult man its actually LESS dysphoric to just look like a 16-18 year old girl than it is to look like a 12-14 year old boy despite being a 25 year old man. like. explaining that is so convoluted. like i really think if i took T it would not masculize me at all, it would probably just make me look like a woman in my 20s

hey ive only recently learned that antipsychiatry is a thing and im trying to learn more about it. i came across your psych ward post and i totally see your point. and im trying to think about what could be done differently. for example a couple years ago my friend had drug induced psychosis and his friends brought him to a hospital where he then had to stay in the psych ward. especially in the beginning i could tell he hated it there. but at the same time he was having delusions. and unfortunately i just dont know what else couldve been done in that situation to help him. do you think theres a better way to deal with that kind of situation? or would it only be possible to deal with it differently in a totally different world? i hope its ok to ask u this question im just interested in ppls perspective who have personal experience w this

hey, anon! thanks for the ask.

I think it can be really difficult at first to imagine what alternatives to psych wards are when psych wards are all we've ever known. It can feel like the options are psych wards or no mental healthcare at all, which really sucks! But I firmly believe that there are other options, and in fact there are people creating those in the world right now. My answer might get a little long, but I'm going to try to organize my thoughts!

Replacing psych wards is definitely a big task, and is one that requires fundamentally reshaping the entire psychiatric system. Right now, so much of mental healthcare is really entwined with the restrictive, carceral, and oppressive systems of government. Whether it's the fact that most crisis hotlines call the police, that therapists have mandatory reporting laws around self-harm, or incredibly restrictive medication laws that make it difficult for people to actually get the meds they need, almost every area of professionalized mental health is connected to this fucked up structure. Lots of different parts of the mental health care system work together to perpetuate psychiatric incarceration, so it's not just psych wards that are the problem.

Another factor that feels important to me when talking about getting rid of psych wards is addressing some of the factors that push people into psych wards in the first place. There are always going to be mentally ill/mad/neurodivergent people and there are always going to be people in crisis, but I think that if our mental healthcare system wasn't so fucked, that maybe some people would be able to get help before things get to a crisis point for them. If medication was more accessible, if therapy wasn't super expensive, if there is more acceptance and education and resources and communities were better informed about how to support mentally ill people, then maybe not as many people would end up in some types of crisis. We can't talk about getting rid of psych wards without also talking about fighting against racism, colonialism, capitalism, transphobia--the things that are contributing to a lot of people's experiences of crisis.

In terms of actual physical replacements for psych wards, something that I think is really promising is peer respite houses. Basically, peer respite houses offer 24/7 crisis stabilization, staffed by people with lived experiences of mental health. They differ from psych wards in that they are not locked spaces, they are usually in a home-like environment, they are not focused on psychiatric diagnoses, and there's a large focus on trying to eliminate power imbalances between staff and residents. Here's a great link to read more about the mission and structure of peer respite. Here's a link to a mostly current directory of peer respite in the USA. I think peer respite is pretty awesome, and that's definitely something that's on my personal crisis plan for when I get to a crisis point where I cannot stay safe living on my own.

Realistically, psych wards don't really provide treatment, don't really work for many people, and are not really places that you go for healing. When you're at a psych ward, you aren't getting tailored therapy, you often only see a psychiatrist for fifteen minutes once or twice a week, and the stated goal really isn't on healing or treatment. It's on crisis stabilization to get you to a point where you are no longer at risk of harming yourself. And I think peer respite can do crisis stabilization so much more effectively, without locking up people, without giving them huge medical bills, without restraining people or drugging them without consent. There's a lot of peer respites that are connected to outpatient treatments and get people set up with therapy and medication if that's what they need.

I can't really speak to what would or wouldn't have worked for your friend, but I fundamentally believe that mentally ill/mad people deserve the right to our autonomy, and deserve our consent to be respected. It can and does get tricky in cases when people are harming themselves, delusional, or incoherent. However, as someone who has experienced all of those things, that is still not an excuse to just take away people's ability to consent and to lock people up. There are ways to support people who are refusing treatment, don't think there is a problem, or are unable to express their wishes. I could go on about that specific topic for a lot longer haha, but I'm just going to end with the fact that although it can seem like psych wards are the only option, there actually are a lot of people creating community resources as alternatives to psychiatry! We are working on building the different world that we want to see, and even though we are definitely not even close to there yet, there really are so many cool things that people are already doing to support each other.

ok so for disability ask - I've known for a while that I have disabilities such as DID and CPTSD that is disabiling for me, as well as adhd (which i have had funding ready for and paperwork assigned to me to get diagnosed with for a year, and still haven't finished... god, paperwork.......) and autism but I don't count autism as being disabling for me.

but I think I'm also physically disabled and i'm starting to be more honest with myself about it and recognizing? so as far as physical conditions:

dizziness/lightheadedness when standing up after sitting/lying. it's been happening since I was a very young kid. i'm pretty sure its POTS but the one time i tried to tell a doctor when i was a teen she just told me to drink more water. it didn't fix it.

hypermobility in joints, toes and fingers locking in the wrong direction, this has happened for several years, as far back as middle school tbh. also my nose is really squishy and squishes more than cartilage should. i think this is Ehlers Danlos, ive done some reading on it but not enough, i wish i could get in touch with a specialist who actually knows about it.

pain. my back always hurts. like its at about a 2 usually. if i dont focus on it its not all encompassing but i do feel it, especially if im thinking about it. that's just like, regular pain though. i also get hip pain and sometimes my limbs hurt so bad down to the bone and radiating that I wish I could amputate them. its fucking BAD and theres nothing i can do about it, it just lasts for a while, is terrible, takes all my focus, restricts my movement (usually its down through my whole leg and makes it hard to walk), and then it goes away and doesn't happen again for like a month. its varied in intensity through my life but its been around a very long time

also asthma???? i cant really run or anything, i have to have an inhaler or i cant manage it

also i get very dizzy and uncomfortable when i have to stand for long periods (30 minutes, an hour) it becomes all i can think about is how hard it is to keep standing. i try to squat or sit on the floor when i can. i've been wanting to buy a walking stick/cane, i really need one honestly. so long walks or long times standing is really hard on me. its actually wild to me that people can just like stand??? for a while???? like maybe its uncomfy but like its not a big deal???? i have to go lay down for a WHILE after standing that much it sucks

anyway im pretty sure i am physically disabled but im still questioning i guess. and i really need to see a doctor for looking into pots/ehlers danlos but i have no clue how to, or how to get someone good, or anything really. and i want a cane so bad :(( i always lean on the carts when shopping as a mobility aid, i never want to use the little basket because i wont have somewhere to lean. and honestly i think that I am going to use a wheelchair in the future. like part time or full time but i am gonna need a wheelchair eventually. i don't think im gonna get like, less frail. but its super hard for me to convince myself that its ok for me to get a wheelchair, but when the time comes im gonna have to do whats right for me without stigmatizing it. nobody loses anything from my use of a wheelchair. just gonna feel structural ableism in city and building design really acutely.

You are physically disabled like for real buddy but also?? Please try out a rollator if you can. Highly highly recommend if you're doing stuff like leaning on shopping carts and find standing difficult, they are absolutely amazing. I can just sit whenever!

HAPPY BIRTH TO OUR LITTLE GREEN FERAL BOI-HC about how his birthday were when he was younger compared to now? (bonus points for Mama Inko being the only constant and for steadily more and more people being at his parties and deku having no idea how to deal with so many people who love him)

oh you KNOW I'm here for that Izuku angst!!! (sorry this is late, I didnt see this until yesterday night lmao)

before Izuku was diagnosed, he would invite katsuki and those other boys over after daycare. it would always be a little awkward bc technically those other boys are more katsuki's friends than Izuku's but their parents made them go anyway bc it was the nice thing to do

oftentimes the rest of the party would end up with the boys playing with Izuku's new toys (which made him a lil upset but his mom says he should share and not be selfish and besides, these are his friends, he wants them to like him, so its whatever. it is) and also playing Heroes (this is the one of the few times Izuku is allowed to play a hero with katsuki (bc theres no way in heck katsuki would play a villain) and Izuku LIVES for it)

usually the other boys will leave and katsuki will spend the night. this is always the best part for Izuku because, while katsuki does keep showing off, it's almost softer in a way, like the fact that it's just the two of them, alone, with the rest of the world shut out makes katsuki relax and unwind. izuku doesnt understand why katsuki isnt like this all the time. he doesnt know how to ask, either.

this of course ends with his fifth birthday. the months following his fourth, he eagerly awaits the arrival of his quirk, but it never shows. a week after his fifth birthday (which had been even more awkward and embarrassing since his quirk still hadn't manifested), he is diagnosed. and, well, nobody wanted to go to his party after that.

the kids thought he was weird and lame and the parents were afraid their own kids would hurt him somehow if they were to come over, because they all believed the quirkless to be weak and fragile. this of course also meant that none of the kids were allowed to invite him over to their parties, the only exception being katsuki's. and then katsuki fell off a log into a shallow river and izuku tried to help him up and, well.

he still invites people, oh yes. the first few years, he makes little invitation cards drawn in all might colors and an enthusiastic "you're invited!" on the front. inko, the sweetheart, helps put them in envelopes and carefully stored them in Izuku's backpack and Izuku passes them out. the first time no one shows, izuku is devastated. the second time, after yet another year of being downgraded and belittled and beaten and ignored, he is still devastated, but he is not surprised. the third time, it aches and aches and aches, and he decides he's not going to make cards anymore. it's just a waste of time and paper.

inko tried so very hard. those first few birthdays After were completely unsalvageable, but after the third (when Izuku accepted no one would come) they got better. izuku was still sad and inko was still guilty, but they always had a lovely time with katsudon and cake and all might specials. sometimes, his dad would even remember to call and wish him a happy birthday. izuku was- well, not happy, but content. he had his mother. he had his conviction, his dream. what else could he need?

(he steadfastly ignored the longing, the ache. nothing he could do would fix it so there was no point in dwelling on it. it was stupid to feel that way anyway. his birthday was just another day of the week, the month, the year. it didnt matter. he shouldnt feel so bad about it. it didnt matter)

he didn't even think about telling all might his birthday. by the time he was 14 going on 15, he didnt really care about it. it had just been a day he got a gift or two from his mother, his favorite dinner, and a night spent rewatching all might documentaries or movies or interviews. you know, like basically every night, but like, older this time. so he doesnt mention it and all might never brought it up, so his 15th birthday comes and goes like every other birthday did after his 8th.

the truth of the matter was all might figured Izuku would mention it at some point during his training, like offhandedly saying he had to get home early so he could have a celebration, or make small talk about what he'd gotten, or even ask for the day off. but Izuku never did and all might felt too awkward to ask when it was (he didnt want to seem too eager to shower young Izuku with presents like something deep inside him begged for with a vengeance, even though he very much wanted to give Izuku literally anything he asked for. it is a troubling feeling), so all might just assumed his birthday hadn't come up yet.

then all might finally gets a look at Izuku's file, since all might is now a teacher, and sees 07/15/XXXX written and probably breaks the speed of sound with how quickly he calls izuku

"why didnt you tell me about your birthday!!" "wh- I mean- it's just not that big of a deal, I didnt think it was-" "NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL???"

he takes Izuku out to a very belated and nice birthday dinner and has to force an incredibly rare piece of decommissioned all might merch from his early days into Izuku's hands. despite his embarrassment and initial reluctance, that day is ranked in the top ten of his favorite days.

izuku doesnt learn his lesson, however, and neglects to tell his newly acquired friends about his date of birth. the only reason they find out is because all might, having been passing them by at the end of the school day, wished him a happy birthday.

"IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY????" "uraraka please its not a big deal-" "I have to disagree midoriya, today should be special!" "I mean, I dont think birthdays are all that important either" "THANK YOU todoroki"

(and then Izuku thinks for 2 seconds WHY Todoroki thinks birthdays are unimportant and gets sad again but we're not focusing on that rn)

ochako DEMANDS that they celebrate bc theres no way in hell she's allowing her best friend to go without a birthday celebration with friends, but Izuku insists that they at least wait until summer vacation starts in less than a week, especially since he cant just come home with three friends without telling his mom

ochakos like >:( for a second, but concedes bc that's fair and then she launches herself at Izuku and gives him a big ole hug and says "happy birthday!!!" izuku's all sputtering and blushing, and then he feels a hand on either arm and Iida and Todoroki give him warm smiles and wish the same and it takes a good five minutes for his face to calm down and for him to come out from behind his arms once Ochako releases him.

so he tells his mom that his friends want to come over to celebrate soon and inko is just like 😭😭😭😭😭 because FINALLY her boy has GOOD FRIENDS who want to CELEBRATE HIM and Izuku freaks out cuz his mom is crying but she waves him off and tells him to tell the dekusquad that they can come over on saturday and that they can spend the night and that they'll have a wonderful time!!!

izuku relays two-thirds of that information in their group chat and they all agree and then basically Izuku is dreading the weekend bc the few birthday parties he's had with his "friends" before hadn't been all that great (besides the sleepover part with katsuki, though their current animosity kinda makes the memories bittersweet), and like, while he knows objectively Ochako, iida, and Todoroki are Much Better than those boys from his childhood, he just doesnt have a good frame of reference for how these things go.

anyway, so Saturday comes around and Izuku is just listlessly lazing around while his mother finishes cooking ("let me help you mom-" "nuh uh, this is for YOUR celebration mister, you arent doing a THING today), and then theres an enthusiastic knock on his door, and when he goes and opens it his friends greet him with yet another cheer of "happy birthday deku/midoriya!!"

izuku smiles because its sweet even if he doesnt particularly care about birthdays, and invites them in. they set their presents on the table and Izuku's like "you didnt have to!!" and Ochako's like "NONSENSE" and Iida is like "how could we show up at your birthday celebration without presents???" and todoroki's like "any chance to spend endeavour's money on things he wouldnt like is a chance I will never not take" and Izuku is just like akdjajdhajsb when his mom finally comes and greets them

and like. it's nice. it's really really REALLY freaking nice. Izuku didnt realize how much he was actually missing having people with him in his home besides his mom until they were there. there's a wonderful warmth filling his chest as they all eat his mother's homemade katsudon and talk about school and how excited they are for the upcoming summer trip. and when heroes come up, they ask him about different quirks and how they work and what he thinks of this hero and that hero and the only time he's interrupted from his tangents is when he stops himself because he's embarrassed for talking for so long. and then they smile and prompt him some more, saying they love hearing him talk about the stuff that interests him, and can anyone really blame him for bursting into tears?

his friends are alarmed but his mom just smiles, tearing up herself, and she asks if he'd like a big hug, and he nods, face burning bright, and then they all gather him in a warm, enveloping embrace, and he wonders how in the hell he survived without this for so long?

he's so warm and loved and for the first time in forever he feels happy during his birthday celebration.

his 16th birthday party is so incredibly different from the parties he held before he was diagnosed and from the birthdays he spent with only his mother. he'd forgotten that feeling of being cared for by people who didnt need to, or rather he'd never really known it. there's a slight twinge that it took so long for him to learn this feeling, but it's completely overshadowed by the pure elation he feels at finally being able to breathe and relax and let himself be loved.

his friends still look concerned and they obviously have questions, but they dont pry as they all continue with the party. he opens their presents and cries again and then they watch a ton of hero movies and he cries a little more. iida worries he'll dehydrate himself and Ochako fuckin loses it and Todoroki has such a soft look on his face and GOD how has Izuku lived without friends? without THEM?

it's late when they turn in, with futons and mountains of pillows and blankets surrounding them on the living room floor. izuku is nestled between Ochako and Todoroki, and he stares at the ceiling as his friends doze around him. he can feel his heart beating in his chest and, with amusement, he feels his eyes watering again, but he blinks the tears away and whispers thickly, "hey guys?" once he gets sleepy questioning murmurs, he breathes in deeply and says, "thank you." in response Ochako and Todoroki schooch closer until they're cuddled on either arm and Izuku can see Iida doing the same on the other end of ochako. then Ochako mumbles, "anything for you, deku" to which the other two boys agree. and Izuku tries to not get choked up and fails again, but its okay, because its safe here and his friends are surrounding him with warmth and love and Izuku falls asleep happy.

(their second year they have another party, of course, but this one is bigger, with the whole class. it's in the dorm, which is fine bc he doesnt think his mom's apartment could hold all of them. it's just as wonderful as his 16th birthday. he managed to hold his tears back during nearly the entire thing, and the only reason he broke was because katsuki came up to him with a perfectly wrapped box, because everything katsuki does is perfect, and shoved it into his hands with a growled well wishes. katsuki yells at him and the class laughs good heartedly as he weeps, but Izuku is just focused on katsuki, who looks soft and relaxed and nearly identical to the version of him that Izuku saw so, so long ago. and as Izuku thanks him for the present and katsuki berates him cuz "you dont even know what it is yet you idiot open it already", izuku feels a new happiness bubbling up in him, because he's so incredibly glad katsuki has been able to heal as well)

#96 “What made you think I cared for you?”

angsty prompt. i literally havent written in years so this is wild and just a warm up i barfed out of my butthole. theres not a lot of backstory of like where he is wandering around lmaooo its more of just his inner monologue and i didnt rly try to work out the setting too much.

his voice was hoarse. it felt pretty fucking sore, all things considered. but this wasnt even the worst part. not even close. he took a few steps forward and stopped, his beskar tips dinging softly on the sheet rock. the sun cascaded down overhead. he was sweating. he had been searching for days for the kid. his kid. he had lost count of how long it had been since he’d seen him. his mind wandered back and forth between the past and present. he was lost once. he might be lost now, without grogu. 

he wasn’t really aware of the love he so craved. it was subliminal. lingering just under the surface, like his flesh beneath the beskar. it was drilled into him from long ago, he is one of many. a hive mind. its survival. its necessary. vital. his emotions lay tucked into him. its all he’d ever known. well, almost.

maybe he was dehydrated, but his mind strayed even farther still. he did remember love. his parents loved him. he cared for them deeply. it was one of the last times he smiled and truly felt warmth from within. he couldn’t even allow himself to think about grogu, and if the kid knew how much he cared. he loved him. when he saw that raw innocence, he saw himself. he wanted to give grogu what he never had: a loving family. a supporting father. a big fucking bear hug. his eyes welled with fat tears at the thought of hugging the tiny goober, and he knew he had to knock that shit off. crying right now could mean dehydrating even worse. he was already losing his mind.

how scared the kid must be. how confused. he had never been diagnosed with PTSD but this shit was invoking some devilish panic attacks. he was a child just like grogu. but when he searched his new family for love, he was met with a cold, bitter disdain. The armorer raised him to be a warrior. to fight. literally trained against everything he felt in his soul. he wasn’t allowed to love, to feel. he was only allowed to follow the way. no questions asked. there had only been one time he made that mistake. 

-------

Din’s dusty bootstraps slapped into the dirt as his small footsteps descended into the mandalorian hideout. he had just finished training with his hands. he hadn’t been a foundling for long, he was still trying to process the horrific remnants of trauma passed to him from the war. he was only a child. but he was smart. cunning. although he was riddled with guilt, shame, and fear, he was also strangely peaceful. even as a child he was taught by his father to never act on impulse. he was a little strange anyway, and unlike most other foundlings, his thoughts and reactions were very carefully calculated. 

this particular day, though. it was rough. he had been triggered immensely by something seemingly trivial, as PTSD often does. it just jumped right out and surprised him. suddenly little Din went from punching the trainer bag, to spiraling into his own dark thoughts, memories of his parents being slaughtered just outside the shelter. he could hear them, as clear as the first time. 

he ran. 

he ran to the woman he thought would be there for him. the armorer. his feet padded along the damp concrete as he ran right to her. he held onto her leg. he was so small then. he clung to her, so desperate to feel something from his past life. desperate for love. for some kind of bond.  “What is the meaning of this? Why are you not training with your brothers?” her voice was cold. she didn’t stop crafting her signets at the work table. she didnt even look down at him.  “Please.. I... I got scared.” he craned his neck all the way back to look up at her, his helmet a bit too big for him, he hadn’t grown into it yet. 

“Whatever for? Is there an immediate threat to the colony?” he did not know what condescending meant, but he could tell she wasn’t giving him the response he needed. “No ma’am, but i..” he wasn’t even sure what words to use. he wasn’t sure what he felt. he was a fucking mess, and too young to know it. 

she interrupted. “Then get back outside. You know the rules. This is the way.”

his eyes were burning. he couldnt stop the tears. “I want my mom!!!!” He was so homesick his stomach hurt. a cold sweat towered over him like the metal goddess he clung to. without turning from her work, she put a gloved hand on his helmet and pushed him off of her. “Please, I need my mom!!” His nose was running now and he was shamelessly sobbing. some days were better, but not today. it was a hard one. 

The armorer was still. Quiet. She paused only for a moment, then with a soft sigh she went back to tinkering with the signet molds and sanding the beskar by hand.  “You don’t even care about me. No one here cares about anyone!!!” He turned away to trod off down the corridor, but was twirled back around abruptly. z “What made you think I cared for you?” She had bent down to look him straight in the helm. t zone to t zone. “Was it the fact that I saved your life? That I took you in? Housed you? Fed you? Trained you? I obviously don’t care for you at all.” She tossed these sarcastic words out of her mouth like hot garbage. She had no tact for talking to children and frankly didn’t care. She didn’t see him as a child. but as a brother. a fighter. a warrior. 

“That’s not what I meant... I...” He honestly didnt know what he meant at all. He knew he wanted his mom. He wanted things to go back to the way it was. He wanted to be a normal kid and be allowed to feel his real feelings. but this would not happen again. not for a long while.

“I care for the colony. You are part of the colony. This is the way.” “This is the way...” He sighed.

-------

The mandalorian felt himself aching for his child. He knew what grogu had felt. hiding his power, hiding his true feelings, despite being too young to know why. He was ugly crying under his helmet. He knew grogu felt so alone. his empathy was almost too much to bear. he cared so incredibly deeply for his son. his heart was aching knowing that grogu felt alone, WAS alone. he knew he was probably feeling confused and wondering the same thing. If Din cared for him at all. 

“Please, kid. I need you to be okay.”

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

Mental Health Update

Original post is here

So my doctor had put me on a waiting list for an outpatient psychiatry assessment a couple months ago... As I said in my original post I didnt think I would be hearing from anyone, especially considering the current public health situation, for several months. I got a call a few weeks ago, to my surprise, to schedule the appointment with the psychiatrist. I had the actual appointment late last week.

I think out of all the people I have spoken to (including a CBT and a counsellor) the psychiatrist seemed to get the best grasp of what was happening in my mind within the short amount of time I spoke with her. I felt like there was a lot to say, but she seemed to understand what I was saying and the implications behind it also. She phrased it best that my mental health isnt so much affecting my functioning (working, for example) as it is affecting my quality of life. Ive never had it explained that way, but that made so much sense. Im not really living.

So essentially Ive been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder with a secondary diagnosis of Persistent Depressive Disorder (also known as Dysthymia).

Its kind of a relief to be officially diagnosed???

The psychiatrist recommended that I take medication (an SSRI), see a CBT individually as finances allow, and attend a group therapy program (which Ill be assessed for later this month). I spoke with my GP and they also recommended the medication.

I was a little bit nervous at first about taking medications for a mood disorder? I think this is partially because my parents are wary of these kinds of medications and their side effects. I think theres a bit of a stigma there. And I think to some degree I was just worried because thats what I do - I worry and become anxious about things I dont necessarily need to be worried about. I was (and still am a little bit tbh) worried about interactions between this new medication and my current lot of medications, potential side effects, dramatic mood changes and such. But Ive been assured that there will be no interactions. But at some point in all this process I just decided that it is what it is. I cant keep living like I have been; it really isnt healthy. And hopefully the medication will give me enough mental/emotional capacity to work on myself and get training and expose myself to stimuli that will ultimately help my mental health.

So I picked up the medication today. The GP has prescribed a “lite” dosage (half the average dose), and if I tolerate it then I can move to the full average dose after a couple weeks. I likely wont see any improvement in mood for several weeks. The GP is really supportive and if anything happens I can usually have a phone consultation with them within a day. Actually having the bottle in my hands ramped up a whole other bout of nervousness. Like, wow, this is REAL. Im really praying it goes ok.

This actually ended up being a good day to grab the medications though because I dont have to work the next couple days. So if I do start experiencing mild side effects, Ill be able to know what they are before working again on Monday.

Anyway, thats the update. My mental health journey has been a whirlwind the last couple months, as opposed to my stomach distress journey which has been put on an abrupt holding pattern until the pandemic ends.

All in due time, I guess.

A complete guide to how the asexual community is NOT lying about the pathologization of asexuality and how many aces(even young ones)have had their asexuality tried to be“fixed” and “converted back to normalcy”

Trigger warning : Conversion therapy,abuse

As if the so called ace “”discourse””( which has till now involved aphobes and exclusionists comparing ace people to nazis,pedophiles,white supremacists,slave owners,homophobes,  ,talking over ace WOC by white people, telling ace people AND kids to kill themselves,victim blamig and gaslighting ace victims of rape, putting extremely graphic sexual content into asexual tags and sending sexual content to ace minors and adults who are are suffering from sexual trauma even after they told them to STOP ) could not get any worse, we now have these pathetic excuses of human beings accusing ace people of lying about their trauma and abuse just so that they can justify their harassing of ace people.

Im TIRED of seeing these “”highly intellectual people”” keeps repeating bullshit arguments so im gonna make this post addled with appropriate resources and links to handle these two topics:

How asexuality is pathologized

Can the abuse and trauma ace people go through when people try to “convert ace people back to normalcy” and “fix” their asexuality really be called “conversion therapy”?

This is gonna be long,but i hope you will stick with me though this because im going to try as much as possible to make this as source-fuilled and educational for yall. So here we go:

1. Has asexuality really been pathologized?

Short answer,Yes.  Many mental health professionals had consideredasexuality an illness throughout history.There are many articles talking about it.Up till 2013, indicators of asexuality like lack of sexual attraction,sexual fantasies towards other people, lack of interest in sex etc were basically classified as Hypoactive sexual desire disorder in the DSM which was revised just to include that all those indicators WOULD be considered as a “symptom” of HSDD unless a person self identified as “asexual” which wasnt much useful since not everyone(especially young people) might know that they are ace and can be pressured by their peers into going through the “treatment” for HSDD .They did the same thing before they removed homosexuality from the DSM.

Heres the long answer :

Throughout history , asexuality has brought out bigots to talk about how “unnatural” it is and how it obviously is a “mental illness/disorder” bc experiencing sexual attraction is always considered an inherent experience to almost all living beings.There are many medical and psychological articles either directly referring to asexuality as a disorder or referring its main indicators like “lack of sexual attraction,sexual feelings towards other people”etc as a mental disorder.

But the most well known instance of pathologization of asexuality is the  HSDD (Hypoactive sexual desire disorder).It has been in both The International Classification of Diseases and  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders both which are used by mental health professionals and psychologists to diagnose people.

There was a huge pushback against HSDD by asexual activists bc it categorized all indicators of asexuality like lack of sexual attraction,sexual fantasies towards other people and lack of sexual desire etc as a disorder.As a result,  asexuality was officially given an exception in the DSM-V by stating that if a person experiencing all the symptoms of HSDD self ID’d as asexual then they wont be diagnosed with it.This seemed a good enough thing to do and acephobes keep bringing it up to show how “different HSDD is from asexuality” and how “The medical world has “”accommodated”” itself for the comfort of ace people” but this act and the whole concept of a “Hypoactive sexual desire disorder” are considered problematic and have been put through questions not only by ace people, but feminists and activists too . Heres why :

1. The person STILL has to identify as asexual to be not diagnosed.Asexuality still isnt as visible and well known of an orientation so  if a person doesn’t know that they’re asexual, the DSM does no work to sufficiently differentiate between these “sexual disorders” and a sexual identity. so it could very well happen that someone who doesn’t know that they’re asexual is convinced by a therapist that they have a sexual abnormality that needs to be corrected(x)  .Taking into consideration the fact that a lack of sexual attraction is still seen as a sign of “brokenness” etc , the aphobia ace people face from their peers,how sex is seen an inherent part of one’s relationship and the immense number of ace people who experience internalized aphobia, theres a higher chance of ace people being pressurized into lying about not being ace and being made to go through treatment of HSDD .

2. The asexuality exception is not included in the diagnostic criteria, but a different part of the text. The desk reference version, which is the smaller version most psychiatrists will use because the actual DSM is a monster of a book, only contains the diagnostic criteria. So, unless a doctor is very familiar with the update DSM, you could still be diagnosed despite identifying as asexual. (X)

3.The DSM is put out by the APA, an American organization and is not used internationally in ALL countries.The international appx. equivalent to the DSM is the ICD (International Classification of Diseases) where an exception of asexuality is NOT made like they did in DSM-V. So many countries where DSM-V is not followed are free to diagnose ace people with almost no repercussions.

4.There is till NO distinction made between HSDD and asexuality and all indicators of asexuality are still considered “symptoms” of HSDD. the DSM does no work to sufficiently differentiate between these “sexual disorders” and a sexual identity. so it could very well happen that someone who doesn’t know that they’re asexual is convinced by a therapist that they have a sexual abnormality that needs to be corrected(x) Just putting “All these signs are of HSDD unless a person identifies as asexual” is literally the same as saying “Being attracted to the same gender and/or being attracted to more than two genders is a disorder unless a person identifies as gay/bi”.In fact a very very similar thing was done to homosexuality in the DSM before homosexuality was deleted off entirely as a disorder.

5.Im not even gonna get into the fact that alot of people have pointed out how  the big push to keep HSDD in the DSM came from the pharmaceutical companies who need this diagnosis to exist so thatthey can market a drug called Flibanserin and both of these thingshave been called out by both ace as well as non ace feminists bc studies showed it improved very little in terms of sexual satisfaction in its participants and has potentially big risks(x) and  MANY women disinterested in sex(weather ace or not) were pressurized to undergo treatment of HSDD and use flibanserin bc of the misogynist belief that women need to put out more than care about their safety white taking it bc thats not the point of this post.

But just for yalls consideration : Just bc there is a disorder in the DSM doesnt mean that its legit.Female hysteria,homosexuality were considered disorders.As an amazing post here said : “until psychology stops operating in terms of “inappropriate behavior” and starts looking at patients’ experiences of symptoms as stressful and unpleasant, it will be an enforcement of ableism first and an aid to the mentally ill last.”  . Unless someone goes through some trauma which make them LOSE their capability to feel sexual attraction and desire,i’ll consider any “disorder” which automatically assumes lack of sexual attraction and desire “unnatural”, as doubtful .

So  yeah , asexuality still technically remains pathologized and ace people still are at a risk of being diagnosed and being forced/pressurized to undergo treatments which arent usually even that effective and have health risks associated with them.On to the next topic :

2.Can ace people call the trauma and abuse they went through  when people tried to “convert ace people back to normalcy” and “fix” their asexuality  “conversion therapy”?

First off, Read THIS And THIS. Now,

Short answer,Yes. Maybe they might not be under the threat of going through the EXACT conversion therapy which involves basically torture and is legal in like 36/41 states IN AMERICA but then again, so arent those gay people who didnt/dont/wont be living/going to those 36/41 states IN AMERICA but have/are/will be  tried to be “converted back to” straightness by their peers.Any way in which non straight people are forced/pressurized to be converted into straight by so called “professionals” and “medical experts” counts as conversion therapy to me bc at the end of the day it doesnt really matter WHAT word you define it as when those trying to “fix” non straight people’s non straightness view those non straight people as someone who needs “fixing”.

Also, saying that ace people’s experience when their peers were trying to “fix” their asexuality isnt AS bad as what gay people go through when their gayness is tried to be “fixed” is…not a good thing to say.Trauma isnt a competition.Telling a person with a sprained leg that another person has a  fractured leg doesnt make the first person’s sprained leg hurt any less

Heres the long answer :

Here is the thing.The most “well known”  conversion therapy(and in aphobes’ case,the conversion therapy they keep bringing up to discourage ace people from calling their trauma involving attempts to fix them “conversion therapy” ) is the one which is legal in 36 or 41(The data keeps differing from diff sources) states in AMERICA ONLY and basically involves showing homoerotic images and videos to gay/bi people and inflicting some sort of violence/harm on them when them and/or their mind and/or their body shows any sort of interest on such images till they form an aversion to same gender attraction and other forms of torture.I described it as PG rated as possible but if anyone is interested and is NOT at the risk of being triggered they can read the whole process here(x).

Aphobes keep arguing that since no clinic advertises that they will “convert ace people back to normalcy” ,and even IF some ace person IS forced to undergo treatment of HSDD ,their experience doesnt matches the EXACT amount of abuse and trauma gay people go through during conversion therapy, aces arent “allowed” to call their experiences “conversion therapy”.Now , anyone with common sense and general morality will realize how bullshit this is bc aphobes are just putting their american centric rhetorics over ALL aces in THIS WORLD(bc they are ALWAYS considering the american conversion therapy)but i’ll still just prove how WRONG this argument is :

1.This argument is only AMERICA CENTRIC.Aphobes keep saying that since ace people dont go through the exact conversion therapy which is legal in 36/41 states in america,they cant call it “conversion therapy”.Now america is only one country.There are 193 countries in this world.The “valid”Conversion therapy is only there in america.But HOMOPHOBIA is there in ALL countries of this world.Now, If we consider aphobes’ argument as legit, then it would imply that any gay person who suffered through the trauma and abuse of having their identity turned into “straight” by their peers in any country OTHER THAN AMERICA CANNOT call their experiences “Conversion therapy”.That means all the gay people who faced torture in russia (especially in Chechnya)to be “fixed” cannot call their experiences “conversion therapy”.Gay people in Brazil and Jamaica who are tried to be “fixed” cannot call their experiences conversion therapy.I live in south asia,we dont even HAVE any special places dedicated to “convert” gay people.But there are many instances where gay people are hauled to the nearest “religious medical practitioners” who abuse and torture them for WEEKS to “cure” them.I guess those gay people cant even call their experiences “conversion therapy”.THIS IS HOW RIDICULOUS APHOBES SOUND.

2.Not every ace conversion therapy is caused by going through the treatment of HSDD : There are many ace people who have been told that it was their asexuality ITSELF that was a disorder and went through abusive therapies to “cure” it which led to some people ending up self-isolating until they ended up in a psych hospital and some people felt broken and alone after that(x).Many health professionals simply pass off asexuality as some  symptomatic of deeper mental health problem and thus not every ace who might have been tried to be “converted back to normalcy” might have been gone through quite a rough treatment too.

3.Telling people that their trauma isnt “”really that bad”” isnt a good thing.Telling them that their trauma  dosent really “”qualify”” enough to be considered “”real”” conversion therapy isnt good.Oppression and traumas arent a competition.The abuse and torture gay people go through during conversion therapy isnt gonna make the trauma ace people go through “better” or less severe.Telling women that “at least they arent being human trafficked and beaten by their husbands everyday like in middle east” isnt gonna make them feel better when they are catcalled or sexually harassed at work.If ace people are tried to be “”fixed”” by being forced/pressurized undergo “” treatments”” by so called “professionals” and “medical experts” , it counts as conversion therapy to me bc at the end of the day, ace people’s orientation is still being seen as “something to be fixed into straightness”.

So yeah, ace people CAN call all the abuse they go through to be “fixed” of their asexuality “conversion therapy”.Now that we are done, here are a few examples of ace people talking about their fears and/or experiences about conversion therapy which i havent provided already

If you really want to respect lgbtqa people who have gone through conversion therapy,try to make this world a better place for lgbtqa people so that their identity isnt seen as something to be fixed.Telling group of people you are bigoted against that they cant call their experiences of tried to be fixed “conversion therapy” isnt gonna do SHIT to help the community you think you are trying to protect.Saying that No ace person has EVER went to conversion therapy bc there are “valid proofs” is disgusting.

Asexuality IS a highly marginalized orientation and all your refutes against it WILL be debunked and shot down bc we have sources and real people’s accounts on our sides which is supported by many prominent lgbtqa organizations across the world.All aphobes have is bigotry and a bunch of followers who eat up whatever they say without applying any critical thinking skills to it.