one of my favorite things about bradley is that while he so desperately wants to be like his father— enough so that he spends so much of his life trying to emulate him through style, music, profession, etc.— narratively he really is more like maverick. maybe not in the exact way that he flies, because we all know maverick is notoriously a daredevil while bradley is decidedly not, but even that has its own parallels with how ice and jake upon introduction immediately point out the flaws in their piloting styles (i heard that about you. you like to work alone. / that’s just you, ain’t it? waiting for just the right moment that never comes.). their methods are different, but both on the ground and up in the air, the two of them are always competing with a ghost. fathers that they can barely remember, whose legacies one way or another made it difficult for them to make it where they are in their careers— even though their fathers are such major motivators for why they chose aviation in the first place. they both have spent a lot of their lives on their own because of that and when it comes down to the final mission for each of their movies, they’re both shown being doubted as the right fit— once again by ice and jake (it’s nothing personal…but with regard to maverick…is he the best pick? / he’s not cut out for this mission. you know i’m right.). at the end of the day they manage to pull it off, but they have to overcome the obstacles that have plagued them for a majority of the movie. it’s not just the obvious scene callbacks that tether them as characters, it’s who they are at their core.

the only story content of the alt timeline is one comic (i know some of the mv stuff shows it but its just art with no words) and i decided to reread it today

general comment: i rly like the art for this update, the color scheme is nice and the seamless horizontal transition is so cool

anyway commentary time:

i think the all black shadow forms is just a symbolic thing because nobody comments on it, so to other characters bon and bien just look human

still its interesting that in the main timeline their default is the shadow forms and in the alt tl its the human forms. personally i also like how it emphasize the gulf between bon and bien in this tl i think, because they look very different and not related at all, compared to their shadow forms that look practically the same.

i think its a good way to portray how in the main timeline they see their father/son relationship as important probably to the point of codependents that they look so similar to each other, while in the alt timeline they seem more distant

i also like their outfits here, i think its like royal-ish outfits since theyre arguably the equivalent of the royal family because theyre the monarchs "children" there main color is blue instead of red too

wires on the tail so spooky

reality is "brought about by the sounds of wires vibrating" and media and jacques are connected with a wire in the annotations, i dont fullt get the "rules" of how to "use" them yet but i think they tie things down to "reality" (in the annotations you use a wire to make the hypothetical "real" sorta) so ig guess the idea here is that jacques is manipulating reality (or, closer to what he does in a1 too, is used by a tether by someone else who is manipulating reality)

"from violence comes the birth of you" is a based title

bien once again forced to listen to The Analogies. i noticed a trend where people try to explain things to him using analogies and he just finds it more confusing than ever hes so autism coded

this lines here by media are rly interesting especially because medias relationship to bien has never been showed yet. we dont know how exactly bien was made (afaik it doesnt seem they know either because it was accidental but we dont know either if they found out eventually) so we dont know the extent of his demon powers esp since hes probably not a "real" demon or at least not a "pure" one

in the main timeline he obviously has his powers so i wonder if media is just wrong int thinking bien has no powers or if he rly just never had them in this timeline. my personal theory is that (main)biens powers awokened as a teenager (or whenever it was bon started having problems with him) maybe triggered by him killing animals so much? just that since (alt)bien never got exiled his powers never awokened because hes never had/wanted to kill

demons need to get their powers by communicating with hell so that also means (main)bien does (idk yet if hell is meant to be a place, a state or things like that)

"golly" let him say FUCK

theres not a lot of bien and jacques interaction in either tl but tbf it always seemed like they get along nice enough? in main tl bien at least recognizes jacques for giving him bday gifts and doesnt have a want to kill him lol. in this tl jacques shows concern for bien in the tyam mv, the vibe i get so far is like that child who helplessly observes one of their parents get abused by the other and cant do anything abt it. so sad :(

a rly interesting thing to me is that media shows concern for jacques here ("did you hurt yourself?")

jacques stim toy so cute :3

jacques is the weirdest behavior here bcuz he acts rly... idk confused? stupid? just very different from his main tl self. but in ch3 and tyam he actually acts more "normal" so 🤔🤔🤔 thinking emoji

my first thoughts was, maybe something happened that effected his intelligence but this comic happened before the scenes in tyam (bcuz alt!bien already lost his hands there) so i think it just shifts around? idk

he explains it as the annotation effects but i just dont trust him lmao xD

'that or i have stuffed him full of way too much ink' lol innuendo spotted jkjk

'mind consummation' so basically theyre married in this tl (obvi they have the rings) and this is some. idk marginal marriage ritual that eats ur mind ig

i think whats more itneresting to me than whats happening to jacques is why he agreed to marry media in this tl (or if he didnt agree why media forced him to here when he wouldnt in the main tl)

from main biens wish this tl is basically the au where bon wasnt exiled so assuming all the other events before that point were the same, then the presence of bon and bien as me/ja's "children" rly had a strong effect for their relationship

this is main bread idk how she got here shes so hardcore

alt! jacques recognizes her too 🤨🤨

this is biens 18th bday so this happened four years ago (since main!bien has been dead for four years) so bread essentially not only went to the alt timeline but did so in the past. the chronology in the story is homestuck-shenanigans style weird tho so im not going to look too deep into that

the question is how she got here from curators world specifically

are you a construction worker? because you are building😘🥰🤗🤩

OOOO SUSSY WIRES

once again media here listens to jacques instead of bien. that media seems to hold some regard for jacques despite abusing him so much in this timeline makes their relationship feel a lot more complicated than "just" abuse

i think bcuz i have a hard time grasping why media loves jacques so much in the main timeline its rly hard for me to gauge how media "really" feels abt jacques in any situation? medias clearly sadistic and in the main tl its implied hes embarrassed of himself bcuz he doesnt want to actually kill jacques, although its vaguely implied that his resistant may not necessarily be out of an empathetic concern for jacques, but that if jacques dies then..... well hed be jacquesless lmao.

i think in the alt timeline we already saw media behead jacques so it feels like to me this is a tl where jacques cant die and so media has no reason to resist hurting him so much.

i do think media enjoys both harming jacques AND spending time with him in normal loveydovey ways though, so even int he alt timeline he has his usual "simps for the hj"personality that he has in the main

this hasnt been stated in the comic yet, only in one of the scattered posts i think, but i think its confirmed that media is so sadistic specifically because he loves the "caretaker" role and wants others to be as helpless and unable to be independent as possible, so it makes sense for him to simultaneously love coddling jacques and want him to get hurt to the point of utter dependence (jacques "stupidity" is most likely medias fault)

bien cant catch a break frfr

at least give him anaesthesia bro

Unspoken needs

18+

pairing : Phil burbank X Branco Henry

trope: Explicit Smut , Cowboy on Cowboy Sex , Porn with Feelings , Alternative ending , Charachterization , Age Gap , Older man/younger man , Flashbacks , Handjobs , Blowjobs , praise kink , Daddy kink , Phil is a soft!dom ;)

summary : Phil was waiting for Peter to meet him at the ranch , and he got lost in his memories of Branco while gazing at the mountains , at the barking dog .

N.B : In this chapter i had imagined what Branco Henry was like and some scenarios with Phil and their developping relationship , and the way he influenced Phil and impacted his charachter , its based solely on my personal impression that i had on him from the movie not from the book , so its not canon

Chapter ( 2/ ? ) : Memories tethered and buried

*OUTSIDE*

Silence has settled in and the few scattering sunrays of the twilight gradually declined to fade into darkness as darkness took place in the farm , the only light being the soft glow of the moonlight and the twinkling stars , the wind rustles the leaves on the ground stirring up the dirt and the sands to hurl around and twirl across the land , whirling its way with a couple of prickly tumbleweeds , their restless rumbling breaking slightly through the deafening desertic silence of the night in Montana , along with the cacophony of cricket's chirps which only emphasized the heavy silence , only broke by the occasional  grunting of the cows confined within the rusty fence of the corral , the peaceful calming atmosphere sits as stark opposite  to the wild boistorous landscapes of the high rocky mountains stretched in the horizon occupiying all the perepheral vision and making a breathtaking frame to see through the wooden gates from inside the ranch 

which is perfectly positioned in a dominating middle ground that provides a nice framed view on the mountains from the front gates and an observing point on the farming and horse work from the back doors 

"no wonder why Phil spends most of his time here ", Peter thought to himself while heading to the ranch to meet Phil and stopped at the front door steps taking in the nature and his surroundings while heading to the place of their appointement , or more exactly their date

the boy being a sensitive artist in the heart with a pragmatic mind couldnt help but psychanalyze Phil and note the tortured oppressd beauty of his being and his ,,,, tragedy 

Phil would stand up straight with his shoulders back within the wooden confine , having a dominant look on every farmer or horseman , making his authoritarian presance  floating on everyone's shoulders and omnipresent , like a tyrannical phantom while all the same he could get lost to no one's knowledge in the beauty of the wild ,

observe through the frame that forms the large gates of the ranch , the rocky high mountains with sweeping meadows spread upon it and forested slopes stretching to the foothills ,

while his mind drifts to the memory of him and Brenco hiking up those mountains , and , the memory of his first love , and first time , discovering his true feelings and nature with Brenco

which was exactly what he was doing after he bathed himself ,which his brother found bizzar since he never does it at home but the situation obliged , and went there waiting for Peter to come ,

his mind flickered with the memories of Brenco while gazing at the mountains , in the sun set ,and his loyal barking dog,,,,, still a couple of hours left before Peter would come , he lost himself in memories that marked him,,,,, 

-------------------------------------

After months of training him to mount a stubborn mare and tame it Branco was teaching him to move a herd of cattles and eventually cutting the little calfs from their fathers so they wont breed them, he was watching him on his velvety black magestic Mustang from afar , while Phil was struggling to seperate the little calf from the herd

_" COME ON PHIL! "  he yelled at him , getting impatient

_" DONT LET THE CALF JOIN THE HERD SORT HIM OFF INTO THAT SMALLER PEN "

Phil was trying his best to direct the calf but it keeps running in every direction and around the parents stubbornly ,

Branco sighed in defeat eventually gave up

_"OKAY NOW JUST HURDLE THEM TOGETHER AND STEER THEM INTO THAT FENCE LETS GET THIS OVER WITH" 

Phil panting hard , mouth dried , head dizzy from the hot burning sun , ass hurt from the hard saddle and all the hopping  , he gave up and rode back to Brenco 

-" sorry Brenco it doesnt seem to work they dont wanna go where i lead them ! "

Brenco rode his horse closer to his and faced him , glaring at him with wide chocolate eyes darkened with anger and irritation at his incompetence , with a firm tone he retorted :

" a real cowboy would go there cut that calf off , steer him away the cattles and into that smaller pen without deviating , and go round up the rest of the herd and push'em into the enclosure within half an hour or less, ITS BEEN FOUR HOURS Phil ! , what have i taught you the whole past months ? , "

Phil humiliated was about to retort but he continued " trust your goddamn horse and stop misleading it !  it knows how to cut calves way better than you , it was raised with the instinct for cutting cattles and steering them which normally should've made it easier for a beginner like you , even with a hunter of a horse you couldnt make it ,,,,, you dissapointed me Phil "   

Phil's dry mouth went agape a hurt expression written on his face ,his eyes dropped down to the dusty ground feeling ashamed and beating himself up internally , he wanted to make him proud not fail him , he felt a clenching feeling at his throat

he would do anything , follow every order , every instruction , listen to all the advices ,to become a real cowboy ,tough and charismatic masculine man like he is ,

but its hard to make it work when he gets lost in his dark bottomless and dangerous eyes while he is explaining , or get transfixed by his inviting wide plump mouth , framed by his beard

or when his dick goes stiff and engorged with blood and lust everytime he catches a glimpse of his rounded and muscled ass in those bloody tight denim jeans , hypnotizing him by moving attractively from side the side waving his hips on the horse with such a grace ,  and controlling the harness effortlessly as if he shared one mind with his mustang

he cant help but feel enchanted by his wild beauty , his thick black hair , and thick lashes and straight eyebrows , his protruding brow that gives him a threatening look , adding to that his towering impressive form ,

big rugged capable hands that he wished to see somewhere else than on a bridle , or at least being the one attached to the other end of the strap

many times he wished it was on his lap he was hopping that way  , or that it was him he was controlling with that harness , or using his personal towel with his intitials BH inscribed in the fabric as a strap to wrap around his neck while he pounds into him - he slapped himself at the thought-

indeed it was hard to focus under those conditions 

Brenco still staring at him ,grew irritated by the silence and his hand snapped to Phil's he grabbed it harshly and brought it to his face , pulling him from his daydreams

-" look your knuckles are WHITE from holding onto the harness , you're more struggling to control your horse than focusing on the direction of the herd to counter it , i told you , don't be a control freak, you gotta build a relation of trust between you and your horse , not domination , you gotta know its a stubborn beast with the love of freedom runing through its veins ,and you just turned it to a chicken ,you transmited your fear , come on put yourself together and MAN THE HELL UP  "  he roared the last sentence

Phil blinking in shock and gathering his courage ,he swallowed a couple of times before answering with fake confidence but his voice betrayed him as it came out enervated

_" look i promise you i will succed the next time , it was only my second time , i just need to practise mo-"

Brenco cut him off , scoffing at his attempt to justify himself instead of taking criticism

" what are you making up excuses now ? i dont need your promises , your words don't matter ,there are times in life when the fancy words and pretty actions don’t count for much, when it’s blood and dust and death and a cold wind blowing and a gun in the hand and you know suddenly you’re just an animal with guts and blood that wants to live, love and mate, and die in your own good time , you feel me ? , i need your actions and proofs ,so quit whining and prove me that i havent waisted my time taking you under my wing " 

Phil was fueled by pure desire to see pride in Brenco's eyes , and to gain his approval , he kept playing his words in the back of his mind 

" man the hell up "  ;so with a newfound resolution he nodded to himself and muttered -" i will show you Brenco " determined to better himself

nonetheless he couldnt help the nagging feeling of guilt everytime he thought about him the way he did ,it was scandalous , so deliciously inappropriate , what would he think of him ? , having those " feelings" 

 he cringed at himself from the mere thought , Brenco would've probably had beat him up to a pulp before hanging him up and then trailing his body with the iron tag " faggot " on his forehad behind his horse around the whole ranch 

he shook off the thoughts feeling now a threat added to his guilt 

he kept training days long on the horse , for weeks , until the day he finally sorted the cattles off like a champ , Brenco noticed he was more confident on the horse , pulling at the harness with ease , following the instincts of the horse , becoming one with it , he smiled at him from afar, and Phil raised his head caught his glance and smiled back ,

they looked into each other's eyes little bit longer than they should had , their smiles faded as an intense expression took over , turning to something darker and more ,,,, intimate , his heart was swelling in his chest ,

he went to sleep that day with his hard features painted on the black of his eyes , head full of fantasies that involves making those dangerous alluring eyes roll at the back of his head from the sinful action he would practise between his spread legs , with his mouth open.

Its not that Branco was bullying him or that he had no patience , he was the calmest guy ,his blood a frozen calm river , he was a man of logic , led by his rational mind rather than his emotions , he had his emotions under control , but , with him he was different , it felt downright personal the way he shouted at him and picked on his smallest fails ,

the reason he was pushing him beyond his limits and being too meticulous and too hard on him like that was because he believed he really could do it , that he had it in him and just need a push to call forward what he wanted to become and he wanted to see him succed badly , 

he needed to see the fruit of his work , signs that he was right about him that his intuition was right , the thing he probably feared more than any grizzly was Phil failing him or worse , giving up , he knew he craved his approval and wants to use it to fuel his passion , 

he never wanted to see the flames of passion in his eyes waver ,he wanted to be his inspiration , he cared too much about his development, he was eager to fulfill his wish of becoming better ,  and more than that he wanted to be the one he thanks for it , 

Branco Henry was a real masculine model for everyone in the ranch , self sufficient and reliable , free like the wind , untamable as a young feral mare , his wide chocolate eyes shone with unmistakable ardor , avid for adventure and the quest of mastery , never shied away from confrontation ,and had a high sense of justice and morality ,

he had boradcasted his knowledge to the western frontiere, devoted to the marrow of his bone to his life style that he considered it fairly as a life mission ,

he walked alone with a confidence of a roman emperor he knew well what his work represented , not only to him but to something far beyond , a vehicule of transcending western values , that he believed in whole heartedly and should not only preserve and personify but also pass it on , 

he was a visionary and he knew nobody else as worthy of his guidance as his loyal and faithful best friend Phil , he saw through him , he knew Phil is secretly ambitious and competitive , and held the intimate conviction that he is capable of and  want to do more and better than anybody else in this field ,and want to become just like him ,

they shared same values, and same ardor for their work , and this desire to be admired , looked up to , and to lead , when he met him he was shy and hesitant about revealing himself at first , but Brenco knew how to spring it out of him and call forward all his potential

nevertheless what Phil truly and deeply wants far more than becoming a high valued and respected man and the recognition , is the acceptance , of who he truely is as a person regardless of being a man and whats communly associated with it, regardless of the efforts and sacrifices he puts into being the model he represents to his peers ,

he craves consideration ,understanding and love ,someone who can actually see him , unveiled and as a whole , crack the code and delve into the depth of his most hidden places , his darkest corners , and drawn in the waters of his most sinful desires , explore his secret garden not for finding jewels but to marvel in its beauty as a whole , encounter with his devils and dance with them ,

he wants nothing more than to be accepted as he is and loved for what he is, and for that he undertook a hellish detour and perilous adventure to prove his worth to Henry and be dignified , that costed him his soul , his authenticity slowly retreated to make place for the persona he was forging , his true feelings being disguised behind a stoic demeanor, that became a shield to his fragility and sensitivity ,

the more he learns about what he should be and what that represents and how its judged amidst his peers , the more he burns the parts of him that didnt fit into that image , until he became , a sheer shadow of himself , or rather ,the shadow of Brenco Henry 

like when he had to pretend not to care about camaraderie when all he wanted is to mingle and share his new experiences with Branco in the wild with all his teenage enthusiasm, because he had been taught to keep it to himself to be ahead of them ,and entertain the mystery around himself in that way he would be respected

or to pretend it was okay not to have close friends ,only acquaintances when in reality he longed for intimacy and connection

or to ignore his growing feelings for his best and only friend Branco , and the irresistible attraction he feels when he is around him

it is not to say that Henry intentionally provoked such transformations , not by any stretch of the imagination he could've guessed the influence he possessed upon him , in his life and through his death ,

he sure had to some extent knew he considered him more than a best friend by the way his eyes glitters when he gave him an important mission to do , what it meant to him that he had such a trust in his abilities , and the way he happily and hastily do him small favors around the ranch

like just the simple task of showering and brushing his horse to prepare his mount for him when he was busy hunting or forging new hooves , filled him with such joy that if he were a dog his tail would violently wag while hopping to execute his orders ,

he loved to be of any use to him , loved to be used by him in any imaginable ways , and loved even more being praised for it and appreciated 

However the more Branco spent time with him ,teaching him ranch works or to mount or the various values that a proper cowboy should uphold to , the more he grew found of him himself ,

little did he know , that Phil was not only useful to him and a good apprentice cowboy ,but essential to him , he gave meaning to his life , being his mentor gave him a sense of accomplishement and filled him with happiness and thrill everytime he notices improvement , even in the smallest details ,

he was an observing man and taught him how to use his eyes like no one else too , so his heart brimms with pride when he notices when they were hunting the paths that a rabbit leave behind , or the clues from mere feces , or sense a coming thunder 

as Branco was himself growing attached to him ,he couldnt conceive anymore go on a hike up the hills without having Phil by his side , drinking on his words of advice or his stories about his past achievements in the foreign frontiere or in the mountains ,

like that time he told him he took on a buffalo by himself using arrows ,or that one perticular time that left a strong impression in Phil's mind , and gave him an insight on his personality,  not only his great cowboy skills but also his good heart and tender soul  ,

he felt a growing intimacy and affection when he related it to him , eventhough Branco didnt say it but he knew he was the only one he told that story to

 it was that one time during an expedition , he was attacked by a furious mother grizzly when he ventured too close to her cavern well hidden behind vegetations at the foothill , where her cubs were peacefully sleeping ,

lured by some kind of plant with healing property that was growing near the entry to use to make medecine for an ill friend's sister ,he had looked for it everywhere , and when he approached ,still on his horse, the grizzly started growling fiercely behind the bushes that shielded almost completly the entry ,and suddenly charged him and jumped to lacerate his horse's neck , clawed onto it with her long deadly talons while maulding it with her sharp white fangs blinded by fury,

he fell down the horse ,he hurt his back but managed to stretch his arm wincing in pain and reached to the hunting knife sheathed in his side knife belt at his ankle, and feigned surrender to the beast , with a composure few man would manifest in front of a savage death , but he did ,

he froze and wait the beast to pounce on him and point the sharp knife's edge up and have it plunged in her gaping jaw ,

blood streamed down his hands and arms and all over his chest ,the fierce grizzly crushed him with her weight as it collapsed, he wriggled with all his force from underneath it , he crawled to his horse to check on it , his head dropped with defeat and sadness , caressed the horse neck and shook himself to remind himself of his mission and hurried to cut off the plants ,   

thats when he told him he heard the little cubs crying for their mother he parted the bushes and peered through it on the cave inside , Phil swore he saw a glimpse of guilt in his eyes , now laying on the ground and sag face ,

he was even more startled when he knew what he did afterwards , that for the next three months he committed to the little cubs and would wake early  to milk the cow before anyone would wake up and bring them the milk and hand feed them himself ,

Phil was looking at him fondly paying little attention to where his horse was leading him , he felt priviliged to let him sneak a peek onto his vulnerable side ,and moreover he felt a deep admiration for a man who would risk his life for someone else sister and who would fight with such courage and dignity, and be gentle and kind enough to go back and take care of the little creatures , thinking at how he valued every living being lives and his respect to life in general made his heart melt and soften to him , and how sweet and committed he really is inside ,

that ignited a blazing passion for him in his heart the words cannot describe ,it was at that moment he swore he would dedicate his life to be like him , and be his loyal partner until death do them apart , and thats exactly what he did , he was by his side until the very end

as time went by , days passed , season after season , Phil was doing remarkable progress , he was focused and disciplined, smart and devoted , and Branco started to see in him the perfect partner for futur rides and perhaps allow him to join on a more dangerous missions far away in the frontiere , but not just yet , he would never think of risking his life ,

its true that he was pushing him but he always took precautions and had his back while doing so ,and would go according to his plans , step by step , the use of weapons for hunting and combat would be with the last lessons of his programm ,

he first needed to master all the basic ranching work to be self sufficient and help his community inside , and grow in strength and hability before thinking of exploring the unknown , and to do so , he had to learn and master rawhide braiding which he got the hang of it pretty quickly ,and another overlooked yet very important skill which is blacksmithing  ,

they only had two blacksmiths , one was not very competent the weapons he forged are not so sharp and easily breakable , and the professional one was getting old  , they needed two new blacksmiths he thought , himself and Phil , would be perfect pair of replacement

One hot and sunny august afternoon , Phil missed lunch again , it was the third time this week , he grabbed a takeout some cold chicken in bread , but he was missed around the table , he was missed by Branco ,after a couple of beers and jokes he excused himself off ,and went out of the saloon,

following the sound of clattering metal ,to his delightful surprise , he saw him on the other side of the big ranch , near to the backdoors where he placed his iron tools at the entering ,and opened the back ranch gates

he was facing the mountains , and guessed it would be better to be outside in the fresh air , rather than suffocating from the heat inside , with a nice a view in front ,

Phil was shirtless , his wide muscled back at display flexing with each hit , glistening with sweat , little droplets of sweat running a trail between his well defined pecs ,  his sun kissed skin shining under the sun like velvet , humidty made his hair curl near his neck and soft small curls fall on his glowing forehead ,

his piercing blue eyes glued to the heated metal placed carefully on the anvil holding it with tongs with one and and with the other hammering it , Branco was captivated his athletic physique and nearly drooled ,

he watched him carefully , cringed at first from his lack of precision and the loose way he held his hammer and the wrong technique , but then was immensely pleased to think he works behind his back to improve faster and impress him , with decided steps he strode across the ranch and walked up to the backdoors ,

Phil hadnt notice him yet , until he stood in front of him facing him with a small smile that reaches his eyes , boyish amusement painted his face , he was content and his eyes though were challenging  ,

He was taken by surprise and shivered as though he saw a ghost , he stopped his movement and he opened his mouth to explain himself looking at him then the long piece of iron that should resemble to a long hunting knife , it was as if he was caught cheating

though he was cut off by Branco before he could utter a word

_ "did i tell you to stop ? , no , so keep on practising , show me how you forge a knife little cowboy " he taunted

Phil pressed his lips together and tightened his grip on the hammer , a little annoyed for he knew he calls him that whenever there's something one level harder than his actual capabalities and playfully challenges him , irritation seemed like a good drive until now

he was quite determined but too hasty , and it took a lot of precision to do this kind of work , he lifted his arm up in the air , Branco watched intently how his nice defined biceps flex and his veins popped on his glistening thick forearms , as it came down onto the piece of metal hitting it nice and hard , but hitting it the wrong way

at his second demo , Branco came closer to his side and wrapped his large hand around his wrist in the air before he hammers again , and lowered it slowly , Phil tensed and his blue eyes piercing through his dark ones , a bit startled by the sudden unusual physical proximity

" too high stance " he said standing closely , his hand trailed along his curvy arm to his shoulder and grasped onto it- " and too tight"

he went to stand behind him and put each hand on his sturdy shoulder ,massaging them lightly , he was close , closer than ever before , Phil's breath hitched at the gesture , and his muscles strained even more ,

he felt Branco's breathy laugh caress the back of his neck , and the tingling sensation traveled down to his pants ,as though he noticed his surprise and arousal from the shade of pink coloring the base of his neck ,

his shoulders begun to go lax gradually with each comforting press , his hands went down feeling at his arms curves , and up to his shoulders again , kneading at his muscle knots there , and drawing circles with his rough thumbs on the side of his neck ,

by that time Phil was melting into puddle , and hotter than the piece of metal he had heating in front of him in the forge , his head dropping low between his shoulders he held back a deep groan of satisfaction

"good , just like that , dont be too uptight " , he said in a low honeyed voice , one hand went down and placed it onto the curve of his trimmed waist , squeezing ever so lightly , Phil quivered , fighting the urge to close his eyes, while pressing himself closer from behind until he felt  his back against his chest

" and dont swing your hips it actually destabilize your aim " -he thought that he was the one destabilizing his mind right now , and something else beneath his buckle going rather straight and iron-y

while his mouth was hotly whispering instructions close to his ear , his chest was heaving and mouth dried , it got harder to focus on the meaning of the word , being lulled by the vibration of his low husky voice and the touches that ignited sparkles to his unexperienced and innocent nerves endings , 

 he placed his other hand right on the middle of his back , and his spine would lit up with light if it could -

" mind your posture , upright , good , dont draw force from your lower body , rather launch your hits from your shoulder and back muscle , alright ?"

Phil nodded , he feared that if he spoke his voice would betray his extreme arousal from their sudden closeness

he let go of him and took steps back to watch him try again , and instantly Phil missed his warm rough and reassuring hands , he let out a shaky breath he was holding all along Branco's hand were on him  ,

he shook his head as a mean to shake off the physical ,provoking thought thet started to invade his mind ,steady his shaky hand and picked the iron with the tongs and heated the metal til it was bright orange nd placed it on the anvel and prepared his posture to hammer ,

while Branco was scrutinizing his move , and watching his puffed up pecs glistening with sweat and flexing preparing to hit , Phil casted one last look to Branco , caught him checking him out , his ego swelled when he saw the clear look of hunger and lust on his face , and  made a cheeky smile , proud to have succeded in charming the great untamable cowboy , and with the swing of confidence , he throw his hit , and he hit it right

before he knew it and without saying a word Branco turned on his hills and head back from where he came

----------------------------------------------

feelin like that dude who ate an individual slice of cake alone in his car just to have a single thing to himself that he didnt have to share with anybody or make anybody else’s business. not his wife wanting some or kids begging for a lick of frosting, just a moment for himself to be himself by himself and enjoy something all for him. quite literally as i was plating my small batch of cookies my mom comes in and goes OOHH COOKIES HUH??? THATS FUNNN LOOK WHAT A FUN THING YOU DID like i cannot even make cookies at 4 in the fucking morning without her finding out about it. and of course the feeling is guilt; i look like the asshole for getting upset since she didnt do anything wrong. but she “caught” me, as she always does, and that’s the real message. 

my mom is such an overwhelmingly oppressive force in my life. i want to be able to move out and be independent so badly. im going to be fucking 32 this year. and every single year has felt exactly the same for the last ten, where im just stagnant and stymied at every turn. ever since i had to come home from college because i got hit by that fucking car, ive felt like i’ll never be able to escape. i cant sleep at night because she snores through the walls, i cant have a single conversation with her without her turning it into a therapy session for her (despite me setting boundaries, kicking her out of my room, and nagging her to see an ACTUAL THERAPIST). i even struggle with my own therapy because i know she’s listening in the next room. i cant withdraw from my own bank account without her seeing. the car i drive and the insurance on it is specifically in her name, and she keeps procrastinating on giving me the title (despite assuring me it’s “my” car). and of course, her hoarding. my parents have so much control over my life that it feels insurmountable to get out from under it. and they dont want me to leave. my mom keeps calling me her “roommate”, as if i selected her as a candidate to live with. as if i looked at all my options and chose my mother as a roommate.

r crumb is a fucking asshole, but there was a documentary that delved into his family life, where his brother and mother lived together, both severely depressed, and the brother morosely commented how he would probably never be able to leave, as he had to take care of their aging mother. he made self-deprecating comments about how he was stuck there while robert got to move on, and eventually he just killed himself. the only way for him to break the tether was for him to take his own life. i saw that documentary as a teenager and it’s haunted me ever since.

Charles, who Robert acknowledges as his main artistic influence, no longer draws, has never lived on his own, and takes prescription psychiatric medications to help stabilize his mental state (he committed suicide before the film was released[5]).

it’s so fucking cliche and stupid but tumblr is genuinely the only place i can be myself and express myself. i can’t put up pictures on my walls so i put them on my blog. i used to be able to draw with the touchpad, so i loved making silly doodles for friends about whatever dumb shit came to mind, without the pressure of it needing to be “worth my degree” or profitable. i cant express my political opinions, as scant as they are, because my family is full of conservatives. and despite my mom cornering me and forcing me to come out to her, she’s quite comfortable being a bigot, only making efforts to “be woke” so as not to upset me, rather than from a place of empathy. 

tumblr is the only place my parents cant find me, mostly because they have no fucking idea how to use the site. everything else, no matter what it is, they’ll eventually find out, because no matter where i go and what i do, i have to fucking come back here. i feel like unless i can make a full, clean break from my parents—my own car, my own bank account, a job or school where they can’t just “swing by” and visit—i’m never going to get to be my own person. im never going to be free. but i dont know if im strong enough to break away with absolutely nothing. i dont think im strong enough to survive on my own with nothing to my name.

im getting a little too in my family feels today and so INSTEAD of feeling those im just going to ramble for a second about why i fucking love paladin!aelwyn because. im. just like this i guess im coping leave me alone

cw for discussions of child abuse, maladaptive coping, drugs and alcohol, self harm, destructive tendencies, basically everything we see in canon and the implications

aelwyn is ... SO interesting to me because for as much of her interiority as we see, as much of her as we think we understand, as much as i could ramble about her character for hours, we know ALMOST NOTHING about her in actuality?? (besides ... one key thing)

(this is like 2k and probably incoherent someone please stop me)

okay. listen. almost everything we see aelwyn do in s1 is maladaptive rebellion against her parents and home life. the drinking, the drugs, the partying, perhaps some of kalvaxus (though i dont think we fully understand how much of that was forced on her as well, kalina WAS watching her when she was talking to adaine about it). you can say like, oh aelwyn is a party animal, she's impulsive, she makes risky decisions, she's bitchy and rude, and its like. okay but IS SHE ACTUALLY. because under her parents thumb she had an EXTREMELY limited amount of freedom, and usually when people are suffering from very little control over their life, they WILL act destructively over the tiny bit they can, either harming themselves or their environment or people lower than them in the pecking order, because in a way, that feels like a reclamation of autonomy. saying "you have so much power over me but can you stop me from hurting myself and destroying what you havent managed to claim yet?". its just like, kind of what human brains do and frequently has little to do with a persons actual personality or impulses, its just. desperate brains trying to control SOMETHING because autonomy is a fundamental human need and when thats taken away we get. very bad off. (this is one big reason eating disorders are SO common with abused kids.) so i think a lot of the s1 aelwyn we see is like. this is a very desperate, abused teenager "acting out" in the only way it is possibly somewhat safe for her to do so because, on a psychological level, the self destruction is weirdly the only emotional tether and its either this or just dissociate all the time (something we do see she has problems with in canon)

and yes, she did treat adaine horribly in s1. she fully did. obviously what we get in canon is what happens but a moment thats interesting to me is in episode 1 where adaine has attacked aelwyn several times, who either does nothing or just bounces it back, when she says "i never cast spells at you" and siobhan immediately retcons it and says "yes you do, all the time" (i havent gone back and watched this bit so i might be wording this wrong). obviously its an improv show and the canon is built between performers as they go, but that was interesting to me. that brennan hadnt intended for her to have fought back in that way. she definitely feeds into the emotional abuse from their parents and participates in all the toxicity there, but we know in canon that she did that because of overwhelming fear and self preservation. and that her self hatred because of it just fed back into the cycle and made her feel like she wasnt good enough to even try to break free from it. this is very common in golden child/scapegoat sibling relationships where the golden child SEES what the parents are capable of and becomes a participant in the abuse out of fear for their own standing. in any way siding with the scapegoat child not only directs abuse at themselves as well, but frequently makes things WORSE for the scapegoat because the parents will take out the challenge to their power on them even more. so, if aelwyn DID ever try to defend or help adaine when they were small, she would have VERY QUICKLY learned that made things worse for everyone. and just. sectioned that part of her brain off, as she's done with so many other things. (and i dont think im reading too much into the forest scene with the abernants to say their parents were VERY QUICK to turn abuse towards aelwyn if she stepped out of line even a little. like, you dont flinch when a hand moves unless. you know. dont need to say it just something to think about. as far as we saw in canon, she had done everything they asked of her leading up to the forest, and we DONT KNOW what happened in it but we do know brennan specifically called out how in broken spirits she was when adaine was summoned, even though they did the ritual to avoid all of the nightmare bullshit)

(the house party is literally a whole separate post but i think its fair to point out that 1) she was super under the influence when that was happening which DEFINITELY is in no way an excuse for her behavior but worth remembering when trying to analyze that 2) her losing that fight did canonically have DRASTIC consequences for her and even if she didnt know exactly how that was going to turn out, i think she knew how bad it might be. and she did not know adaine or any of the bad kids were going to be there in the first place)

all that said, it feels in some ways counterproductive to say that aelwyn is an extremely devoted and protective person (yes we're getting to the paladin shit i know i've been rambling a while) but i think that thats strangely ALL WE ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT HER. because we've established that her self-destructive and abusive behavior in s1 is almost entirely psychologically scripted for her by her parents, we dont know how much of her villain shit in s1 was LITERALLY UNDER THREAT OF DEATH because we know at least killing the oracle was and we dont know how much of the rest of it was mandated by either her parents or kalina other than that she probably was under orders not to tell adaine the truth, and we know participating in all of this caused extreme self loathing in her that she refused to show to anybody and was too terrified to act on in any way

so, like. what does that actually leave us?

here's what we do know about aelwyn:

- of all the schools of magic, she went into abjuration

- the entire bbeg plan from season 1 hinged on aelwyn's complete faith that her level 1 sister was the most prodigious diviner in the world

- right after (?) the house party, she locked her memories where only adaine could find it with a note basically saying "theres so much bad blood between us but i know only you could find this"

- she desperately wanted to protect adaine and the fact that she was too afraid to do so made her hate herself (and her knowing that adaine now knows this is the turning point in their relationship)

- despite everything, even in the nmk forest, she still loved her parents

- the SECOND she is shown genuine love and affection and care from adaine, and adaine says whatever you do, i am here with you, all her actions from there forward are just about protecting adaine from their father, very nearly at the cost of her own life

- with what she probably thought were her last words (and would have been if adaine hadnt given her the tincture), all she wanted to communicate was how to help adaine and the bad kids, and how despite everything she had always believed in her

- at five levels of exhaustion, unconscious, she used her first spell slot after nine months of torture to build a shield around adaine

NOW we get to paladin!aelwyn. because, once everything is stripped away, the abuse and the control and the maladaption and the threats and the torture, EVERYTHING we ACTUALLY can glean about aelwyn's personality and inner core is that she's protective and devoted. and of course classes arent locked by personality, but that just screams paladin to me. its her WHOLE THING. adaine even says "wizards dont have heals, we dont care about other people" and of COURSE that isnt true for either of them, but? mechanically? aelwyn chose the wizard school that DID let her protect, and DID let her help, but i dont think, at this point, going forward, thats really going to be enough for her (and we could also talk about the parallels between them, how often adaine uses her portents to help other people)

i think a lot of the different reads on aelwyn come from this fundamental disconnect between her actions and displayed personality vs who she actually is and what she actually wants. and i think there are very different interpretations of what thats going to look like for her going forward. but i think, for a girl who's most hated characteristic about herself was her self preservation at the detriment of others, her perceived selfishness, and her fear ... isn't choosing to be braver and more selfless and more protective and shedding that self-preserving instinct for the betterment of others ... and MECHANICALLY being able to act on all those things ... the logical next step? i think its going to be a LONG TIME before aelwyn can love herself, but what other way is there to try? if adaine loves her, and adaine believes she can be better, isnt being better because she trusts adaine kind of a form of self love? saying, i dont believe in myself, but i believe in the person who believes in me, and maybe, in a roundabout way, thats the same thing. she was never able to TRY to be better before, because trying to improve even a little, even when people arent watching, when a harmful force has so much power over you and your actions ... like, the mental dissonance is honestly TOO much to even try, thats WAY more terrifying than letting yourself be bad, to the point where thats psychologically impossible for a lot of people. but now she actually has space and freedom and CHOICE and she CAN embrace the instincts she always had to shove down, she CAN be the person she knows her sister needed her to be

i dont know, i think theres an inherent love letter to yourself in wanting to be better and wanting to improve, even if you justify it by saying its for someone else. and now aelwyn actually CAN improve, and thats probably going to be extremely awkward and scary and there will be set backs and backslides for sure. but. i dont know. i think she wants to make up for lost time. because she never wanted the time to be lost in the first place. and if a protector is who she always wanted to be, whats stopping her from being that now?

REVELATIONS, REVELATIONS | UPDATE #1

Hello y’all! I refuse to believe it’s been 3 and a half months since I last made an update post for this novel because time is not real :) whoops! This has actually been sat in my drafts for like a month though 

A rundown of things that happened: 

We have a new title! I already went into the meta and possible interpretations (it’s ~ambiguous~), so if you want you can read about that HERE.

I did 3 weeks of Nano and wrote 15k words! On the site I recorded 15053 but I think it was more 15.5k? I’ve edited the original doc now so idk but I’m v happy with that!

After that I took a break and a lot of Life Things happened re a certain pandemic that is taking :) all my motivation :) so I didn’t return to drafting until January. I also really struggled to progress with the story and decided the best thing was to revisit what I already had and work on that

It’s not that the original chapters weren’t working, I was just trying to understand the story for the first time and also Nano was such a hazy blur and I’m 99% sure November didn’t happen. I probably won’t revisit a section this intensely again until I’ve finished the draft but at this stage it really helped because the more I worked on it, the more I understood where it had to go next - I know the structure (for now), the basics for the middle and how the story ends :) hehe :) and I don’t think I’d had those revelations (aha) without revisiting this first part. I got to fall in love with the story all over again and I’m very happy with where it’s going!

This intro is already getting so long so I’m just going to jump straight into it because this update is LONG. I’m talking about all the chapters today even though not all of them are new, but since I’ve learnt a lot about them and this is officially update #1 post-nano, it makes sense to talk about all of them! I’m also going to do a new taglist because I see this as a new set of updates also I am awful at keeping up with taglists so! I’m just tagging friends who have already expressed interest + mutuals who I’m like 99% sure want to stay on so! please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed! 

@kowlazovdi​ @isherwoodj​ @avi-burton-writing​ @pamsdrabbles​ @ryns-ramblings​ @kitblogsthings​ @svpphicwrites​ @aetherwrites​ @radiomacbeth​ @bijouxs​ @writerlywonders​ @haldimilks​ @alicewestwater​ @piyawrites​ @coffeeandcalligraphy​ @shaelinwrites​

usual content warnings for religious trauma and cult discussion, specific CWs will come before excerpts!

So I’m currently working with four parts, and I’ve extended the timeline from one year to four years. This suits the story much better BUT pretty much everything here was written before that decision and I do not have the energy to restructure all of it right now :) Each part is split into two sections, one for each POV. So four parts, 8 sections, Felix and Dorothy get four sections each. I let the structure grow with the story but this one is working very well!

Also I started setting my pages to light green and it was LIFE CHANGING. Much kinder on the eyes and just looks so nice?? Calming?? This post is your sign to set your page colour to light green like LOOK

So we have a prologue now!! The story made a lot more sense once I added this because originally the information we learn was just shoehorned into Chapter 1 in a flashback when really we needed to know this information going into it. That being said I struggled with this for a bit just because to justify a prologue I need that information to be conveyed in a way that is completely unique to the rest of the narrative so I didn’t want to just write this as a flashback. I ended up writing it in 2nd person and it came out in a way where it’s not clear which twins POV it is? Like it’s more of a fusion of both of them where neither of them have their own individual identity beyond “the twins” yet. I can’t tell if this is my funky POV peak or a clarity nightmare but I like it! I want it to only be ~500 words so we can take the risk.

In this they’re fourteen and they do a “blood pact” as a way to symbolically cut themselves from their family (aka: their father) whilst they’re still tethered to it. I really love it because not only is it exactly what these slightly unhinged-but-havent-tapped-into-it-yet, co-dependent-and-dont-realise-it kids would do but it immediately brings up the question of family and what family actually is. I’ve also realised a huge idea in this story is the idea of the tangible and for them, the concept of family and blood isn’t tangible so they struggle to recognise its significance (not that it. has any for them in the first place.) but their relationship, seeing each other bleed and pressing the cuts together is. The writing itself is kinda wonky because of the whole funky clarity nightmare POV but here’s a little taste of the ending:

cw: blood

You’ll slink back into your family room to clean and plaster each other’s hands and you’ll ask yourselves: which bloodstains came from who? Who bled the most and who stopped first? Who will come up with the story for the cuts on your palms and who will dispose the bloodied towel? Who is Dorothy without Felix and who is Felix without Dorothy?

Shiny new first chapter! Originally this was in Dorothy’s POV but now it’s switched to Felix and instead of just showing their reunion (which turns out is....very anticlimactic and not appropriate for an opening lol??) we actually explore Felix’s thoughts an actions after he decides to escape the cult, which was a very impulsive decision and spans about a day and a half. This one is definitely gonna take a few drafts to get right because it’s such a delicate but intense event to write and I’m content with the fact that it’s not There Yet but the prose is! I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and it really helped me get back into the swing of loving this story. There’s something very delicate about it but also very troubling under the surface. The opening gave me a lot of trouble, but the first line hits!

The day Felix decides to leave the sun glows the same, and the pine trees breathe the same, and the chapel cross stabs the sky the same. 

Ironically, a good chunk of the chapter happens outside the cult, as Felix decides to spend his final day taking Lola - a woman his age who is literally the only person he likes lmao - to one of the nearby towns. Whilst the main function of the chapter is to introduce the cult itself, it’s also to show how normalised leaving actually is - it’s just every time he’s left has been temporary, and every time he has left, he still feel separated from this “outside world”. They go to a candy store and a thrift store - where Felix lies about his mom (who he hasn’t seen in 20 years) being in hospital so he can use a phone :) Lola is a new character so I don’t have much to say on her, but all I can say is they are wlw and mlm solidarity but also she knows how to read him 

“I don’t know why Dotty and I loved this place so much - we always got  toothaches.”

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“These apple ones are nice, but I think the lime is my favourite. Do you think the apple or the lime is nicer?”

“I think you’re leaving, but I also think you’re scared, so you’re pretending that I’m going to leave with you and that’s why you wanted to go to town. You chose the candy shop because this is where you went the first time you left, but this time you’re not coming back. Does that scare you, Fel?”

And here is my favourite paragraph in the whole chapter because <3 what the fuck <3 and if pine trees are a key Felix symbol no they aren’t 👁️ yes they are

cw: falling out a window? pushing yourself out a window? description of bones breaking

The day Felix decides the leave, when the clouds bleed amber, he pushes the scratched mahogany dresser so it lines with the windowsill, lies on top and hangs his head out. It’s never comfortable, but it’s always peaceful: sometimes cars murmur on nearby backroads, sometimes a wind chime flutters, sometimes brush rabbits rustle in shrubbery and they all breathe the same oxygen as him. He closes his eyes, inhales the pine air, and plays God: pushes himself further out, an inch at a time, until his shoulders cross the line and he wonders what bones would break if he fell. Would he break both arms or one, both legs or one? Would he break his spine? Which vertebra would crack, and how many? Would he feel them all in one big strike, or all the individual bones burst like popping candy? Evening breeze whispers against his face and he could do it right now, leap out the window and if he didn’t break his legs or back he could run to the bushes, to the pine trees, to the road, the town over East or West, the county line.

If Felix hit the ground, would it be because of a freak fall, or because he pushed himself out?

We have to laugh because I’m pretty sure I said in my Nano update that this chapter was the strongest so far besides one scene but when I looked back that scene <3 took up 80% of the fucking chapter <3 So I just said fuck it I’ll rewrite the whole thing for fun!!!! And I love it!!! It’s so jarring compared to Chapter One and that’s the point!! Everything is so over saturated and originally that was just to convey the absolute shock Felix gets from the Major Impulsive Life Decision He Just Made, but now I think it’s intentional on his part and it goes back to the idea of the tangible: whilst he didn’t grow up totally isolated this is still a new life for him, and he has nothing to latch onto, so he looks to his surroundings and hyper-focuses and latches onto it because it’s something that’s now tangible and accessible to him so he sees it in this very bright, romanticised way (the romanticisation of San Francisco is very amusing to me but it’s also very relevant). But even with that he still distances himself from this environment still - the same way he did whilst living in the cult. He has no idea how he wants to exist in this world and he doesn’t even know how to exist yet.

And so it became clockwork: eyes burst open at two, three, four in morning, doesn’t bother trying to fall back to sleep. Lurk into the kitchen, make a coffee or water or whiskey. Sit under the fritzing lightbulb with no shade, think about everything and nothing and everything and nothing. Or go for a smoke, inhale the vapours until it hurts his chest, breathe in the cool air until it hurts his teeth, wander around the block until it hurts his feet. Sneak back into a room that doesn’t belong to him in an apartment that doesn’t belong to him in a city that doesn’t belong to him. Count the bumps in the popcorn ceiling until footsteps sneak down the hall – Dorothy leaving a room that doesn’t belong to her. Join his sister back at the kitchen, she complains that they need to replace the lightbulb. Over pulpy orange juice and scrambled eggs on toast, she retells her dream and lists the possible meanings and he lists his plans for that day on how to immerse in the outside world, familiarise himself with the city until it belongs to him. Travel by trolley for the first time, eat seafood at the waterfront for the first time. Bump into a cherry-headed conure parrot by chance. Climb Twin Peaks and gaze at the new view of home. Trace the outline of translucent mountains in the air and pretend you’ll ever hike them; trace the outline of high rises in the air and pretend you know the people in them. He asks Dorothy when he’ll stop feeling like a tourist – she has no answer for him.

(context: Dorothy’s roommate, Jolie, is out of town at this point, so Dorothy tells Felix to take her room whilst she takes Jolie’s and they’ll sort it out later. Dorothy has no problem sleeping in Jolie’s bed because her and Jolie are Very Good Friends)

I also realised that, in the nicest way possible to November me, that this chapter was so damn boring because it’s very dialogue heavy but in every dialogue moment they are literally just 🧍 doing nothing. So I wrote a scene as a half-joke of Just Met Like Three Hours Ago Beau and Felix going to the arcade and it saved this chapter. It is SO fun but it also comes straight after this very emotionally intense moment and it’s really interesting to see that reach its zenith and then just. fizzle out but linger in the background? I love this scene but I also can’t take it too seriously because they play Frogger and @aetherwrites​ joked that the game’s a metaphor for Felix leaving the cult and I love her and hate her because she is so right I can picture the LIT1000 seminar where that analysis would be made unironically and it’d be ME who makes it and I am so close to just running with that for real. Also these two aren’t love at first sight but the chemistry is so loud like did you two meet today or have you been married for eight years and own five dogs together what’s the truth? Anyway here’s Felix murdering Beau on sight 

“You know, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that good,” Beau says.

“It’s not that difficult, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that bad.”

Beau leans across to shuffle through cassette tapes in the glove compartment. “I’m not, you just got lucky. I let you win.”

“But it’s not even competitive. You just died seven times in a row.”

I’m a little unsure of the pacing for this chapter now because its effectiveness lies in the fact it takes place a week after the previous, and my job with this section post-draft is to stretch it out longer since it only spans three weeks. I’m hoping I can make it work where there’s little time between Chapter 1 & 2 but still cover more time in chapters 3-5 because I think that’d be jarring in the best way? Like the absolute intensity of that initial week quickly dissolving and suddenly he’s been living this life for months he didn’t notice go by. Again <3 a problem for post draft me <3

I don’t have much to say about this one because in Nano I didn’t even finish it, and now I have but it’s still <3 giving me trouble <3 - however I’ve realised this is probably the most important chapter at this stage of the novel because it’s the first full chapter with just the twins, trying to have a bonding moment and catch up but only learning that they a) love each other b) can’t stand each other whilst not realising just yet that they are c) extremely co-dependent. I like to call this novel multiple plot threads in a trench coat and that’s definitely it, the twins have their own individual plot threads separate to one another, but if there’s a central plot (and there kinda is?? its a surprise :) ) at its essence is them realising how fucked up their relationship is, but wanting to rectify that and trying to understand the difference between a tangled and toxic relationship. 

This chapter introduces that each character has a key symbol that’s attached to the world somehow and Felix has chapters like these in his arc where he tries to navigate the state of their relationship (so there’s one later on titled “Ocean (Beau)”) and his associations with them. We have to laugh here because I was really like “oh Dorothy is sapphic so I’ll make her obsessed with the moon” but then it became a major symbol in the story <3 Dorothy IS obsessed with the moon, and Felix is frustrated because he can’t see it the way she does and he feels like part of him is missing because of that, when it’s just a different perspective but nooo these two need to have unhealthy co-dependency and then get mad when they’re unhealthily co-dependent on each other :/ Anyway I’d just like to talk about how Felix’s need to be like his sister in this chapter is demonstrated through a symbol that’s attached way more to her than it is to him even though in the prose he describes the moon as this fragile, breakable thing which is the complete opposite as how Dorothy would and lets talk about the blade mirroring the prologue!!!!

He closed an eye and pointed the blade at the moon. If he could, it’d be so easy: surgeons precision, swift wrist flick, carved and plucked from the sky. Laid out on his palm like tissue paper, half translucent and as breakable as skin - a birthday present for Dorothy, if he doesn’t tear it. He’ll try not to, but it’d be so easy.

In further development of the Moon Imagery, I’ve started using a lot of Star Imagery with Felix and a lot of general space imagery in both of their POVs and I’m delighted to say I have no idea what the meta means with that but I like it!! It fits the story very well and they’re probably mirroring each other or something!

This little chapter taught me that I need to be flexible with form <3 this was originally meant to be the final scene of the last chapter, and I was so hyped because it was one of the first scenes I conceptualised, but then it ~sucked~. However I didn’t realise until recently that it sucked because I was writing it in a traditional storytelling form - which most of this book benefits from, but this moment certainly does! not! I’m really glad because I think this book is the perfect playground for experimental form - although here it’s relatively simple though, most of the setup for this happens at the end of the previous chapter and then this is just all the information condensed as much as possible. This chapter is focused on memories so it really works for it to be cut off from the previous which is in the fictive present, and Felix’s perception of memories right now are ~a little jarring~

The final scene of Moon (Dotty) depicts Felix and Dorothy breaking into a park at 4am, promptly having an argument that results in Dorothy leaving, and Felix sat next to a fountain picking pennies out of it and trying to associate a memory with the year on the back - this chapter is those memories and this introduces the fluid relationship characters have with their past. For Felix, he’s seeing the last 20+ years from a bird eyes view in a very sporadic way and it’s starting to sink in that those 20+ years actually Happened. Some of the memories are very distanced, others are as intense as flashbacks, and some are a mixture of the two. This one is very interesting to me because he completely separates himself from the memory halfway through Fel do you wanna talk about this (unfortunately I cannot drop the name because of plot <3)

cw: light/implied homophobia

IN GOD WE TRUST / 1978

The first time Felix held a boys hand was in 1978 in the back pew at morning service. It was the first time [redacted]’s father preached and they got stuck in the back because they arrived late, because they laid in the grass together, wearing each other’s identical pecan coloured blazers as sunrise peeled back the night, and they slunk into the back of service like ghosts everyone could see and maybe they knew why they were late. [Redacted]’s father had a razor voice and he made sure every word sliced into his son and his son interlocked fingers with the boy next to him. His son didn’t look at the boy he held hands with the same way he’ll pretend his blazer is his and not the boys and the same way he didn’t look at the boy the first time they kissed behind the chapel building and the same way he didn’t look at the boy during Bible study for the week after.

Whilst I’d say in Chapter 2 the chemistry between Beau and Felix is as clear as day this is the first instance where Felix’s queerness is explicitly introduced and I’m taking this chance to say this book gets more queer every fucking week. Like I think in the last updates I was like ohhh sexuality doesn’t play much into Felix’s arc and know it’s like 99% of his damn arc and we LOVE it. But at this point he doesn’t realise like when I tell you guys this man is so repressed

I am literally only putting this here because I talk about all the other chapters and it’s weird to me to leave one out. Also because the graphic and title is pretty. Not gonna lie I love making these posts and that is 10% to ramble about meta 90% making pretty graphics that is literally just cropping photos on Unsplash and putting Garamond text over them <3

Anyway this was originally Lessons in Holy and when I revisited that chapter I realised it was so fucking messy and I tried to fix it but it didn’t really work and I’ve been scared to touch it since. However the meta is top notch so here we are - it mirrors Chapter One, Everything Holy, which explores Felix’s decision to leave the cult and with that, leave God. Everything Holy / In San Francisco explores his relationship (or lack thereof) with God and how much Felix’s life has changed since he left - and how “holy” it is. It definitely goes back to the idea of the tangible because the holiness preached to him growing up was not something tangible to him, whereas with this he looks at real life experiences, so he tries to find holiness in that. It also ties with Cyan City and the romanticisation of San Francisco as something tangible and something he can find holiness in, which a) he needs to learn that things don’t have to be “holy” to be valuable and b) it would be a shame if :) he centred everything good about his life around SF and then :) something bad were to happen whilst living in SF :) the way he and Dorothy both do this

My plan for this is basically: Condense The Shit Out Of It. The hardest part about this chapter is it is very thematic and you know as a lit major (derogatory) I love that but with more theme centric chapters the line between subtle and Too Much can be verrryyy thin, but I think focusing on character exploration over theme will fix that pretty easily. I’d also like to separate the Isaias introduction into its own chapter because it’s such an important moment and November me just? Latched it on at the end? And that plus Felix’s crisis in the same chapter is just too much. This chapter is gonna get changed A Lot but for now here’s Felix’s very chill and relaxed ending to his POV section :)

cw: drowning, drug mention

Felix didn’t speak to God for three weeks and everything unholy became holy: the coffee scorching his throat, the kaleidoscopic t-shirts and high waisted jeans, the punk rock they play at the record store – loud and electric. It’s unholy, but he sleeps through the night now, he folds coloured card into butterflies at breakfast and scribbles biro eyes over the newspaper's sudoku on his lunch break. He earns money and he spends a pinch of it on himself: on new wave records and playing cards and earrings he can’t wear yet. Sometimes he buys marijuana it’s not a sin because marijuana means he only smokes tobacco twice a day now – one at breakfast, one before bed. He bar hops with Beau on Saturdays and hikes with Dorothy on Sundays and he tells strangers he studies American Literature and he smiles with his eyes more and nobody notices that somebody’s holding his head underwater. And he doesn’t know whose hand it is, but it knows how to grip tight. And he doesn’t know how to swim, but he knows how to swallow water. And he doesn’t know if this is the punishment or the sin because the water stings his eyes but he chooses to keep them open, and the water will tangle in his lungs but he chooses to keep his mouth open. And hellfire can’t touch him under here, so he’ll keep swallowing water and it’ll burn him in a different way, and he’ll like how it scorches his throat.

(Once again context I didn’t share because I don’t like the writing that talks about it: Felix has a deep fear of drowning from past trauma, but he’s also very obsessive about it and often imagines himself drowning.)

(also the way these excerpts are just showing off my love for repetition my Intro to Creative Writing Tutor that called repetition lazy is seething rn!!!!)

Overall though, I’m v happy with how this section came out now that I actually know what the story is! As I’ve finished drafting it, I have noticed where the missing plot beats are and this is what I expected because I Do Not have a lot of experience with novels (I’ve never passed 15k on a novel before so we’re in new territory now) and generally struggle to see beats before I finish a draft. I’m thinking there’s at least one chapter missing and maybe a shorter one, like MSATBOTF, but I won’t be touching this section again until I finish the draft. Most of all I learnt a lot about the story’s form and I’m excited to play with that and be a bit more flexible! 

I’m currently drafting Indigo, the first chapter in Dorothy’s POV, and I was going to talk more about it but this post is too long and the next update will be <3 all about her <3. But the chapter introduces her and Jolie’s tumultuous relationship and here’s a lil peak! 

Me, a sapphic, capable of writing happy sapphic relationships: 

Me instead: 

cw: light/implied homophobia

If she didn’t display the ticket on the bedside table - like she had something to prove - she could have easily been in Dallas, in New York, London, Cannes, Moscow, Tokyo, Cairo, Sydney. But wherever she went, Dorothy and Jolie have had four airport reunions before today - four times they’ve had to soften themselves, disguise themselves. Old high school friend flying in to be her maid of honour, college roommates who don’t see each other as a day past eighteen, pen pals reuniting for the first time since the seventies, business trip colleagues in casualwear. The fifth time, there’s nothing to hide, and as they walk to the car, Dorothy has to wonder: if they were seen by nobody, would Jolie have hugged her with both arms? Would she have kissed her? Would Dorothy kiss back?

I’m midway through this chapter, so I’ll keep the rest of it for the next update! That I promise won’t be in three months!

If you read through all of this then I am in love with you <3 

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-08-23

More homestuuuuuck

I’m a little tired today so I don’t expect much intelligent analysis out of myself, but if anything classpecty happens I doubt I’ll be able to help myself regardless.

oh, always

(EDITS: added note on horn colors, link to ask on potential Blood powers reference)

> CHAPTER 12. Really Convoluted Metaphorical Horseshit

cuuute

In the bowels of a different ship, at a moment in time that is not pinpointable in either direction from the previous interaction, another Dave raps quietly to himself.

another dave raps quietly to himself.  i am glad that phrase exists it brings me joy

(LATER EDIT: A friend on Discord pointed out that throughout this entire update, Karkat's horns are #FF0000 red. They were normal candy-corn colors in previous glimpses at the ship crew, though they used a dark single-color shortcut typical of old Homestuck at one point... but THIS time it stays STARK red even when we zoom in close later. Is this just artistic liberty? Did Karkat color his horns for fashion? Does this happen to red-bloods like the Sufferer after a certain age? Just how much time has actually passed, here? We might have to wait for the commentary for this one.)

KARKAT: I WAS SAYING I THOUGHT WE MIGHT GO, I DUNNO, ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE SHIP WHILE THE CLOTHES WERE WASHING. KARKAT: SEEING AS THIS DECREPIT MACHINE WE WERE SO BLESSEDLY PROVIDED WITH MAKES A WHIRRING SOUND SO PANCHAFINGLY ARHYTHMIC THAT IT THREATENS TO ERADICATE THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF TEMPO FROM THE UNIVERSE.

Karkat really has chilled out hasnt he?  like this is surprisingly level for him, and that fact is hilarious.

KARKAT: AND YET SOMEHOW BASICALLY ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE WE STARTED THE LOAD IS THAT YOU’VE BEEN USING IT AS A FUCKED UP BEAT TO WHISPER TO YOURSELF ABOUT FLOWERS TO.

oh gosh that’s why he’s rapping

> ==>

DAVE: kanaya was telling me this kids story the other day about this dude who didnt cherish a flower enough until it peaced out to do flower stuff idk its not pertinent to the story DAVE: except the flower was a person DAVE: because it was a metaphor

Oh right, coming back to the Little Prince stuff I was too lazy to metaphor-deep-dive into, and literally asking the same questions we were asking about who the Little Prince’s story applies to mapped here if anyone at all, like Dirk and such, or what biases were in the retelling of it and the way Kanaya phrased it.  So now we’re practically mocking it by deep diving it here, hence the last page’s “DAVE: i was just thinking through some really convoluted metaphorical horseshit”, which means we’re both about to further explore AND shit all over the existence of this story metaphor until it doesn’t mean anything and most of the meaning we drew from it earlier is made a joke~

well, not “we”, cause I was too lazy, so... y’all

DAVE: anyway what goes down in the story is that once the flower lady is out of the picture DAVE: the main character goes around making all these connections between her and everything else in the universe until every damn thing feels like a symbol for how much he fucked up and how much he will never see her again KARKAT: THIS SEEMS PRETTY FUCKING INTENSE FOR A KID'S STORY DAVE: yea thats pretty much what i said

Oh holy shit.  That’s yet another way to put it.  Are we doing a whole moral takedown of the Light aspect today?  cause it sounds like we’re taking a dump on the Light aspect and RoboRose getting too obsessed and immersed in it, which would be excellent

DAVE: but i guess its not so much what the story was technically textually about but more like the version of it kanaya internalized and then told me when we were talkin about how she misses rose

exactly

DAVE: so like now im taking the story she told me she was projecting her feelings onto and projecting my feelings on top of that

yes absolutely, you just rephrased it a different way with that exact same bias

DAVE: this is just one big game of emotional projection telephone so feel free to go paraphrase it to roxy later and make it about whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing

perfect. i need an emoji for that Italian thing for when you pinch your thumb and forefinger together and kiss it

ah this’ll do:

its like the expression “choice” but in nonverbal form

[...] whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing KARKAT: YOUR ABILITY TO GET TO THE POINT DAVE: gotem DAVE: anyway you’re not gonna have to miss that skill of mine for long DAVE: get ready for this shit because i am about to slap you with the point so hard youll fall ass first into the washer DAVE: just scrambling around in there getting all sudsy DAVE: but your brain is gonna be so blasted from the mindfreak of a point im about to make that there wont be anything left to clean

Anytime dave is told to get to the point he is contractually obligated to spend at least 20 seconds talking about how he’ll get to the point in a way that is not getting to the point

DAVE: so its genuinely cool that kanaya can go around creating meaning that may or may not be actually present in every little thing DAVE: connecting every feeling she has to the idea of her wife existing out there DAVE: so i told her she should keep that shit up DAVE: but im having the opposite issue where im struggling to find anything to be that kind of tether because every single thing i could possibly consider about what it is were doing just reminds me of yet another thing to be afraid about

Great examples of Light being good and bad!  Attaching strands of connective meaning to everything.  --though, in Dave’s case AND Kanaya’s case you could argue it’s both bad in terms of effects.  That it’s great for Kanaya to care, but that she should be able to divest herself and live on her own terms without idealizing Rose literally everywhere she looks, personal growth which would be useful in helping bring Rose back to her in the first place.  The struggle they’re looking forward to is largely philosophical, not just physical, and until Rosebot acknowledges that she was wrong it’s not over.

DAVE: everything fuckin sucks huge cosmic donkey sack and im terrified KARKAT: OK, SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SKIPPED A COUPLE NECESSARY STEPS IN YOUR POINT CLARIFICATION PROCESS.

Pretty sure Dave was on the same page as most Epilogue and start-of-HS2 readers.  This situation is pretty bleak to dump our heroes into, no matter how much we believe will be resolved in the long run.

DAVE: ok but were you going with sweet or savory please give me that much at least KARKAT: YEAH IT WAS GOING TO BE SUNDAE-BASED. DAVE: nice KARKAT: YEAH. KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA WATCH MORE GBBO AFTER THIS? DAVE: absolutely

--ah, Great British Bake-Off, can’t say I’ve indulged

do they still have that?? did they save it from old Earth?  or did they go where unflooded Britain used to be and say hey, new show reboot

KARKAT: GREAT. ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET HUMAN CHRIST, PLEASE BACK UP TO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU’RE ACTUALLY SCARED OF. KARKAT: ALSO COME HERE, IDIOT.

That last line is like, exactly as fucking sweet and awesome as we imagined their relationship to be.  :)

> ==>

OH MY GOD THAT’S ADORABLE

DAVE: ok yeah this is a better position to unleash all my inner fears n anxieties from

indisputably.

DAVE: those times its like my mouth was saying words about the situation wherein our friends are AWOL and maybe dead but my brain wasnt fully letting me experience the emotion that goes along with them DAVE: man its like i cant even start genuinely thinking about how afraid i actually am for rose and john without my brain flippin its wad and whiting out DAVE: like haha fuck i hope theyre ok DAVE: now i better make a fuckin joke before i succumb to the gaping mouth of despair waiting for me to fall in it as soon as i look down and acknowledge that its there ogling how juicy my ass looks as it trembles with terror

I really hope that the writers of HS2 know full well that this feeling? the one Dave is describing here? is what many of us who got way overinvested in the well-being of Homestuck’s surviving characters felt reading the Epilogues and Homestuck^2.  So I really hope they’re working through it in a way that will result in a preponderance of GOOD THINGS happening and hope-filled situations.  Cause that “can’t even think about X” feeling is too familiar, and if they understand it as well as it LOOKS like they’re getting to, I’d really like them to give us a helping hand healing.

I think that’s what they’re going for?  Seems hopeful for me to think so, but they HAVE been doing better as HS2 has been going forward, from an emotional standpoint anyway; definitely better than the Epilogues.  And I’ve worked through some of that stuff with the help of that, because it’s MUCH easier nowadays to think about Homestuck without my gut clenching.

DAVE: i guess im just fucked up about how to worry about dirk and be angry at him at the same time DAVE: because if i get as unholy pissed at him as i sometimes wanna be i also gotta admit to myself that maybe i coulda done something different there

Mhmm, Karkat’s potentially a pretty good person to speak with here since he’s done so much work trying not to feel responsible for everything that’s ever gone wrong.

DAVE: also like DAVE: and this by the way adds a whole other layer of guilt on there that i dont really know how to fuckin reckon with but DAVE: even with all the shit hes pulled and the fact that we are more or less heading toward having to take him down DAVE: whatever that is gonna mean and whether or not he planned it like that DAVE: i just DAVE: me and him had come so far with each other and it was really cool for a while to have him and i DAVE: ugh DAVE: i dont WANT to hate him

Yeah, Dirk and Jane’s heel-turns were really shitty for anyone who was a fan of them in the fanbase, as well.

KARKAT: WELL THEN QUIT FUCKING PICKING AT THE SEAM ON MY SHORTS AND SPIT IT OUT. THEY'RE BARELY HANGING ON TO THE DEFINITION OF "SHORTS" AS IT IS.

That is an adorably real boyfriend-laying-in-boyfriend’s-lap thing to do

DAVE: the part i mentioned before about how we really have no goddamn clue how long this trip is even gonna take DAVE: i cant help but feel like its barely getting revved up DAVE: and for me and roxy and jade and callie and kan thats normal shit at best and boring at worst but we all have our immortality to thank for that DAVE: we can just dick around in space for near-eternity waiting to catch up to our friends who may or may not be our enemies now and itll be fine DAVE: i mean no itll be categorically miserable DAVE: but well survive it KARKAT: HOLD THE FUCK ON. DAVE: but you KARKAT: DAVE. DAVE: no lemme say this

Oh god damnit.  Karkat’s limited lifespan.  As if we hadn’t ALREADY covered a nauseatingly extensive gamut of disheartening topics of conversation.  We really have to confront every shred of misery in their past, present and future one after the other after the other in the Epilogues and HS2, don’t we?  >:(

I guess it had to be discussed, though.

DAVE: we dont talk about it much and i got shit to say about it DAVE: its not like i never thought about how youre mortal before but i just thought wed be able to figure it out before it mattered DAVE: come up with some kind of plan DAVE: i was just distracted being happy with you i fucking guess and so i didnt think up a way to fix it DAVE: and now thanks to dirk we have to work it out right the fuck now DAVE: because i cant spend this trip just sitting around watching you get old and die

Jesus.  I mean, WE know(?) that it’s not gonna be THAT many years, but THEY don’t know that.

Unless it really IS going to be that many years and HS2 is going to shamelessly take a fucking sledgehammer to our feelings for no goddamn good reason.  Which it won’t!  Right???  >:T

> ==>

Dishwasher ding

> Dave: Grapple with the clean, soggy consequences of the passage of time.

Hey, don’t make it a metaphor here. --though, fuck.  I suppose we are dealing with everyones dirty laundry.  God damnit.  SURE, deal with it all story but then GET IT OUT OF THE WAY AND PUT SOME SERIOUS FUN AND LAUGHS IN HERE so we don’t feel like we’re wading through an entire garbage dump!!!  *click*

Karkat’s eyebrows-only mouthless frown is really cute.

> ==>

okay Karkat explain the nope you’re lodging

> ==>

*put*

> ==>

*foot*

> ==>

DAVE: ok go on

I mean I at least appreciate the time investment in adorable boyfriends.  That’s definitely something of SOME good value they’re giving us in exchange for this misery

> ==>

That Karkat image makes me wanna do that red-shaky-gif-thing with it

KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NEW TO THE PARTICULAR MOOBEAST WRANGLING EVENT OF SOMEONE I PREVIOUSLY LOVED BRUTALLY TURNING ON ME AND LEAVING ME TO TRY AND CRAM MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION BACK TOGETHER ALL ON MY OWN.

True

KARKAT: HE DID THAT ON HIS OWN. AND WE MADE THE CHOICE TO GO AFTER HIM ON OUR OWN.

Yes, and you’ll possibly convince him more of that over time, though not in this short conversation

KARKAT: I WAS FOLLOWING YOUR LITTLE TRAIL OF COOKIE CRUMB FEARS UNTIL IT LEAD TO THE BIG SNACK FINALE OF WORRY ABOUT MY FRAGILE MORTAL MEATSACK. KARKAT: IF I HAVE SOMEHOW NOT BEEN CLEAR ABOUT THIS WITH YOU YET, LET ME GO AHEAD AND RECTIFY THE SITUATION RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. KARKAT: HANGING OUT WITH YOU ON THIS LONG TRIP TO WHO THE SHITTING FUCK KNOWS WHERE IS QUITE LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE MEAGER EXISTENCE. KARKAT: I'M SO ABSOLUTELY BLISSED THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND TO BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOUR STUPID IMMORTALLY SMOOTH HUMAN FACE SKIN EVERY DAY AND NOT HAVE A COMPLEX ABOUT IT.

D’AWWW

And with that darkly angry expression too, that’s PERFECT

I mean it’s true.  What exactly would they be doing DIFFERENTLY on Earth C other than enjoying each other like this?  It’s pretty fucking great.

...hm.  Isn’t this journey-not-the-destination stuff pretty Breathy?  Karkat’s proving more balanced by the moment.

KARKAT: AND I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN EXPERIENCING SOME COMPLICATED GUILT, MYSELF. KARKAT: THE FACT THAT I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE JUST FUCKING CHILLAXING AND BEING IN LOVE IN SPACE IS A CLEARLY INCONGRUOUS WITH THE REASON I'M ACTUALLY HERE CHILLAXING TO BEGIN WITH, AND I'M NOT LETTING MYSELF FORGET THAT, EITHER.

Pff.  He feels guilty for ENJOYING IT so much.  <3

KARKAT: BUT I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT MY HAPPINESS IS REGISTERING FOR YOU AS YOU HAVING TO JUST "SIT AROUND AND WATCH ME GET OLD," BECAUSE I KNOW YOU KNOW IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

I’m glad Karkat knows that DAVE knows somewhere in him that it’s more than that, because yeah, if Karkat thought he DIDN’T know that at some level that’d be a reason to take MUCH MORE SERIOUS offense.

KARKAT: LIKE, JESUS, DAVE. YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID FOR YOU, TOO, RIGHT? KARKAT: OR DID YOU FORGET THE WHOLE HEROIC DEATH THING? KARKAT: I WORRY ABOUT LOSING YOU FAIRLY FUCKING REGULARLY.

Hah!!!  Point taken.  Karkat must view Dave as practically more fragile than HIM.

KARKAT: ONE: WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA THAT I REFUSE TO NOT ENJOY THIS SHIT WHEN I FINALLY FUCKING GET IT, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT MAY OR MAY NOT LAST. KARKAT: TWO: IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE DOING NOTHING. WE’RE MOVING. WE’RE WORKING. WE’RE HEADED SPECIFICALLY TO A PLACE WHERE WE WILL UNDOUBTLEDLY ENDURE YET MORE FUCKING HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA. KARKAT: AND THREE: WE'RE DOING THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE FRIENDS WHO WE CARE ABOUT THAT NEED US. THAT IS OUR FOCUS, HERE. NOT OUR FEAR. IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE HAVE TO SAVE. KARKAT: SO DON'T FUCKING WORRY ABOUT ME, DAVE. I'M FINE.

Okay, this is great and wholesome.  I am now retroactively GLAD that this topic got brought up.  :)

> ==>

Dave is still afraid. There is a part of him that will always be, he thinks. He has accepted this about himself. There is another feeling coursing through him too, though. It’s something he's felt before, though never quite so intensely. He looks up at Karkat and understands, viscerally, the simple power his words have. They pump through Dave’s own body, alive and warm and true.

He wonders if Karkat realizes it, or if he’s just, as always, saying what he feels as he feels it. Dave doesn’t attempt to dissect it further. There will be time for that later.

Every really loving moment like this is sort of undercut by the fact that it’s also, in some senses, part of alt!Calliope’s narration and, by extension, her fanfiction.

EDIT 2: There's also either a hint to potential Blood powers or even an explicit Blood power use here that I didn't recognize. I'm leaning towards it's-laying-the-groundwork-for-future-use-of-Blood-powers-but-isnt-magical-in-this-case.

> ==>

Smooooch!

That was nice.  Still gonna wait on doing any commentary til next time or a Bonus update or two, cause I’m beat.  See y’all next time!

HOW DO YOU SLEEP? (KTH X Reader)

Tags: Friends with benefits to lovers au, bad behavior, Taehyung is kind of a dick, mentions of the reader being unattractive, insecurity, sex/ hook ups mentioned. 

W/C: 1.5k

Taehyung has a one night stand with a girl, and it’s the best night of his life- literally makes him almost pass out from how good good it is, but the girl...definitely doesn't fit the normal standards of beauty. 

You’re aware of this, you know that you’re not idol attractive, but Taehyung never makes you feel bad about it or insecure. at least not when you’re having sex.

Though in the industry would call you ugly and anyone else would just call you average. taehyung can’t get enough of you especially once you start hanging out as regularly as he can after you blow his mind (sometimes literally). 

and it’s not just the sex sometimes, its the way you play with his hands after he’s done, the way that you sit with him in his studio, the way he genuinely has fun with you feeling lighter than he does like- ever, when you occasionally do something that's not sex- and meet up more frequently with explicitly non-sexual things planned.

And Taehyung is like an inch away from saying he’s in love with you. But here’s the thing, you haven't met the boys yet. And Taehyung is a little bit worried about the judgement from the rest of his group and the media. i mean it's just a natural thing to be worried about right, natural to be afraid of the judgement of who he’s with? 

He’s used to ushering you out in the early hours of the morning which definitely isn’t a kind thing to do-he knows that. Hates himself every single fucking time he does it and makes sure to text you back after. taehyung has lost track of how many times he’s said he’s sorry. 

He makes up for it in better ways, like treating you to fancy dinners in delicious restaurants that it usually takes years to get reservations in, and more than a few designer handbags in exchange for his less than okay behavior. 

Taehyung is a little too good at apologizing, and you’re a little too- maybe not in love with him yet, but sometimes when you have a spare morning, when you can linger and brush his bangs back from his forehead- you think one day you could be. 

most of the time- you and taehyung have so much fun together, you’re always giggling and laughing and being ridiculous even in the middle of sex or a convenience store after he’d forgotten to buy condoms and made a stupid joke about blowing them up into balloons. 

on the bad days when he can’t sleep- you’re the one he calls, sometimes you don’t even have sex, sometimes you just go on long walks with taehyung holding onto your hand like its the only thing keeping him tethered to earth. 

He’s about to introduce you to the guys, to ask you to come out with them to a family dinner. but he happens to but dial you at the worst time when he’s talking to the others about you- just jimin- his best friend for ages. confessing all of his fears, how much he thinks he loves you how happy you make him. 

but you don’t hear any of the good parts only the bad, listening in with taehyung unaware, “she’s obviously not the best looking, but man, you have no idea, sometimes at night it’s like i dont even want to sleep because it’s so good. obviously i’d already be dating her if she where a little prettier, and i know it’s going that way anyway- but i’m just unsure about the judgement minnie,” 

“Can you show me a picture- oh tae” his sympathetic voice, and then taehyung's “oh shit for some reason i accidentally called her” where he listens, says your name a few times on the other side of the phone before he registers that there must be something wrong with the phone and hangs up himself.  

That night when Tae inevitably booty calls you, you’re very careful to make it the best night ever for him. bringing out all the stops, giving more than you get. But also to detach yourself from the situation, this- this isn’t about love or wanting, with every roll of your hips, with every inch that taehyung falls apart- it feels more about getting even. About proving something to him. 

When you’re done, you get up right after, you don’t linger in his arms even though they look so so inviting. You know the strength they hide and how safe you can feel in them but you don’t want it anymore. Taehyung’s so hazy and fucked out that he only really realizes you're not coming back to bed when he watches you stumble back into your high heels. “aren’t you gonna stay and cuddle?” 

 “Nope, see you around taehyung,” he pouts, a little upset, his arms feel vacant without you in them but yeah- he understands why you wouldn't want to say when he has to leave so early in the morning for practice. you’d barely be able to sleep before he had to wake you up and sneak you out. 

He lies awake in bed, thinking about how you only ever really call him tae and not by his full name, not since you’d met almost a year ago. and he suspects something might be wrong, but goes to sleep he has a full schedule tomorrow after all. maybe he can take you out for coffee tomorrow or something, or maybe dinner the next day. 

On the way home in your car, you have to pull over and stop because of how you're crying- because really- fuck kim taehyung for making you feel insecure, for making you feel like you where only worth sex. you’re 100% certain that you never want to see his face again. 

he knows something must be up when you start dodging his calls, when he gets left on read night after night, but Tae can’t stop trying, can’t stop double and triple texting.

 I need you so bad baby maybe he really was addicted 

Are you just going to leave it like this? at least tell me if we’re through so i know if i should be hopeful or crushed. 

and then the inevitable begging, won't you just talk to me? please tell me what i did wrong so i can make it better

but you dont respond, not for the first month, you’d intended that night to be the last, and you know that you’ll just fall back into him like all the other planets and girls in his orbit if you see him again. (You don’t know that taehyung was just seeing you, only hooking up with you through the entirety of your relationship- if you could even call it a relationship.) 

then you accidentally run into each other and he accuses you of ghosting him, kind of a little sad and a little petty. And you blow up about how he never treated you right and there are cameras and videos of you screaming at each other in lotte mart from a bystanders and it goes to the media and viral almost instantly. 

And suddenly your social media accounts are blowing up with people wondering who you are and criticizing your appearance, which is exactly what taehyung didn’t want to happen. 

Call him shallow about being honest about your looks but he knew what the media was like. how it could pick apart even the best looking and most genuine people out there and he didn’t want that to happen to you.

Taehyung goes on vlive to confront it, and manages to talk through it all without specifying anything, without addressing you. 

“Would you guys believe me if I told you that I’ve grown over the past year? in the last year, I've realized that love isn’t just about late nights or looks, but it’s about intimacy and another person's soul matching yours. I strongly believe in soulmates and I think i've met mine.  

“I think maybe in the past, i've acted in a bad way because of my predispositions and by what i was taught was important. looks- looks aren’t important in a relationship, and i know that now, what’s really important is who a person is, and how well their soul matches yours. i want to teach you guys this. Maybe you won’t make the same mistakes as I did, and you’ll fix how you think before it’s too late.” 

You watch the vlive- of course you do, you need to know what he’s saying to his fans, and you’re surprised as the broadcast ends. And suddenly, you're reconsidering it all, reconsidering taehyung, even as your phone next to you dings, with a text from taehyung. 

I know it’s too late for us, but i believe that if you love someone then you owe it to them to say it and tell them... so this is me telling you i love you okay? you understand that it’s him telling you that. you fiddle with your phone for a minute. After a second you send something back to him, and shoving your phone away from you on your bed hoping you don’t regret this. 

Where are you right now? we need to talk. 

❄️ Untamed Winter Fest 2019 ❄️

Day 3 - Goodwill - 1.6k

I feel like I need to give some warnings and clarity at the beginning of this post.

This fic contains themes of teen homelessness, I’ve tagged it as such.

There is mild threat of violence against a teen  - one punch is thrown, noone is seriously hurt, I’ve tagged again.

This is not a ship post, it features XXC as a shelter manager doing his darnedest to help street kids like XY.

The fic itself is behind the cut in case I mis-tag something. Please message me if you want a tag adding, I realise things that may not occur to me may affect you and I dont want that to happen! I realise this can be a very sensitive topic.

The fic itself is mild angst with a neutral ending.

Song Lan came over to find Xiao Xingchen with the news.

“That troublemaking teen is at it again” he informed, and Xiao Xingchen sighed in exasperation. He was almost at the end of his tether with complaint after complaint, the boy was quickly burning through everyone at the shelter’s feelings of goodwill.

He had been here for less than a week and already many of the volunteers refused to deal with him.

“I’ll deal with it” Xiao Xingchen patted Song Lan on the shoulder and went to find the source of the trouble.

In one of the common rooms it was beginning to look quite grim, several much larger men had the teen backed into a corner, and he was doing his usual hissing and spitting, never scared. Never ever scared, even if a beating of epic proportions was coming his way.

Xiao Xingchen hurried into the room and coughed to announce his presence.

Everyone here knew fighting was likely to get them kicked out of the shelter and suddenly the room became much emptier.

“You, Xue Yang? I need to you fill some forms in” Xiao Xingchen lied neatly, “Please come to my office”

Xue Yang looked at him without a single change in expression, he either hadn’t understood Xiao Xingchen had just saved him from an attack, or he genuinely didn’t care.

Xiao Xingchen thought it was probably the latter. He hadn’t seen the boy react to anything except with anger since he’d arrived.

Xiao Xingchen waved towards the door and Xue Yang followed the cue and preceded him, heading towards Xiao Xingchen’s office. As Xiao Xingchen was about to leave the common room after him a small hand pulled him back briefly, it was a teenaged girl he knew as A-Qing.

“I-I don’t like him da-ge, he scares me. But he didn’t start that fight” she whispered quietly.

“Understood, thank you A-Qing” he patted her hand and followed after the young man.

Once seated across from Xue Yang at his desk he tried to get the youngster’s side of the story.

“So what happened?”

Xue Yang’s gaze drifted up from the floor, “I thought you wanted me to fill in some forms?” he stood up, “I’m not here to talk about my feelings”

“Please sit down, Xue Yang” he didn’t shout or command, but his tone was compelling, and Xue Yang rolled his eyes but sat back down.

“if I hadn’t come in then you’d have probably been beaten by now” did Xue Yang really not understand, or did he genuinely not care about his personal safety?

“I would have been beaten” his tone said he wasn’t even a little concerned by the fact. He pulled the hand that was missing it’s little finger into the sleeve of his hoodie and lounged back in the chair in a the universal pose of a teenager in trouble with an elder, but who wanted to look like he was too cool to care. “I must have one of those faces is all. Da-ge, I don’t go looking for trouble, I know what an awkward place that would put you in, but if I show even a flicker of fear out there-” he gestured at the window behind Xiao Xingchen, “-then I might as well be dead, because it would just be a matter of time”

His tone was matter of fact. He wasn’t saying it for sympathy, it was the truth of his life. Xiao Xingchen understood that it was a dangerous world out there on the streets, especially for youngsters like Xue Yang and A-Qing who had nowhere to go, no family to look after them, no options. That was why Xiao Xingchen was determined to do all he could for every one of them he met.

He followed Xue Yang’s gaze then, realised it had been the fourth or fifth time the other had looked at the jar of sweets on his desk.

“Do you want a candy?” he asked, genuinely expecting the denial, the “I’m not a child”, or the “I’m too cool to eat sweets” attitude, but to his surprise Xue Yang nodded, almost eagerly, and reached into the jar to take one.

It was literally the first time in the nearly a week he’d been here that Xiao Xingchen had seen an emotion other than anger on his face. He looked genuinely ecstatic about the candy, and a devious little plan formed in Xiao Xingchen’s mind.

“Listen, xiao-Xue, how about for every day you manage to avoid trouble here, I let you have a piece of candy. How about one more tonight as a deal sealer?”

Naturally mistrustful Xue Yang looked at him closely for a few moments, but then nodded. “Alright, I’ll try to avoid trouble, even trouble that comes to find me. For candy”

#

And thus his crazy, childish, crackpot plan of keeping a fully grown teen boy out of bother with sweets was born. And worked. Day after day for weeks it worked, nothing happened, and Xue Yang popped his head into Xiao Xingchen’s office every evening to collect his candy.

From the little Xiao Xingchen had managed to pry from him Xue Yang had been alone for a long time already, he was obviously a survivor. If he could be given some tools to work with that same determination could be channelled into getting him on his feet and on the road to a stable residence and stable job.

Xiao Xingchen was trying to find an agency who could help Xue Yang with some psychological support, as well as some life skills, and possibly vocational training. But he also understood homelessness was a problem bigger than just his little shelter, than just his charges, with too many people drawing on too few resources nationally. But he would do all he could.

#

His candy related blackmail plan worked. At least for a while. And then it all collapsed. Another one of those fights that Xue Yang hadn’t started, but for whatever reason hadn’t been able to avoid this time. Xue Yang hadn’t been hurt seriously but one of the social workers had been caught in the melee when she’d tried to break up the fight by a punch meant for Xue Yang that he’d dodged.

In Xiao Xingchen’s office later Song Lan was frustrated, “You know the only way this ends now is with him leaving” he pointed in frustration at Xue Yang, who sat quietly in the chair.

Xiao Xingchen understood Song Lan was worried for him as his friend, but he really wished he’d stop being so focussed on what he perceived to be a threat to Xiao Xingchen.

“Not while I have breath to argue against it” Xiao Xingchen denied, and reached across to place a soothing hand on Xue Yang’s shoulder, “You must have been born under an ill star, why do you attract trouble so well?”

“Its my winning personality” again Xue Yang deflected with sarcasm, refusing to meet Xiao Xingchen’s eyes.

“I don’t blame you, xiao-Xue”

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t blame him. They’ll say has to go, whether we like it or not. You can’t flout the statute Xiao Xingchen. You’re walking on shaky ground as it is with how much we’ve bent the rules for him. We’ve used up every feeling of goodwill available to us for the boy”

Xue Yang did look up then, a sharp, considering look on his face.

“Xiao-Xue, you will not do anything silly. I’ll deal with this, believe me”

“But-”

“No buts. Do as you’re told for once”

Xue Yang smiled a blinding smile then, “Alright then. How about giving me the rest of this week’s candy as a reward for doing as I’m told?”

Xiao Xingchen shook his head in amused exasperation at the young man. “OK, fine” he grabbed the jar off his desk and held it out to Xue Yang, who diligently picked out several pieces of candy, pocketing them.

“Goodnight, da-ge” he got to his feet and walked to the door, throwing one last smile at Xiao Xingchen.

“Goodnight xiao-Xue” he let the teen go, returning to the file and ignoring Song Lan’s frustrated gaze. He’d have to do some serious arguing tomorrow to ensure Xue Yang wasn’t ejected. It was reaching midwinter, and the boy wasn’t much older than a child, pretending he was much more mature than he actually was. They should be protecting youngsters like him and Xiao Xingchen would try and make sure that was exactly what they did.

#

But in the end it was academic. Xiao Xingchen should have realised what that young idiot had planned, it had been obvious enough in Xue Yang asking for his week’s sweet allocation in advance when he looked at it with hindsight.

Song Lan handed him the note Xue Yang had left, scribbled on the blank parts of one of the forms he must have taken from Xiao Xingchen's desk yesterday.

I’m leaving, I’ll be fine, I’m indestructible. Save your goodwill for someone who can use it

Song Lan made a noise of annoyance as he read the letter over Xiao Xingchen’s shoulder, “He’s such an arrogant little monster” he said at the last line.

“Song Zichen, oh Song Zichen, you misunderstand him. He just doesn’t think he’s worth the waste of goodwill, he means save it for someone who it will be of use to” he contemplated the letter again, and slammed his hand down on the desk in frustration.

In the end though there was nothing he could do, fate was a set path and it seemed Xue Yang wouldn’t be saved by Xiao Xingchen in this lifetime.

an OC sneak peek [2/?]

ok heres another w the accompanying oc!!! its ginger n maryanne 4ever!!!!! i lov them sm!!!!! but anyway heres another excerpt from around the same time n its MORE angst n I hope u like my vagueness lol,, PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK!!! LEMME KNO WHAT U THINK!!!! ilyall enjoy ::””)) IM GONNA PREFACE THIS W THE FACT THAT IK IRL BRIAN IS A PURE MAN N THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN N ANITA IS A GODDESS BUT THIS IS JUST FOR THE DRAMA ITS TOTAL FICTION I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NO DISRESPECT TOWARDS ANY OF THEM its got some cheating ig so be aware that anita is my mom n the loml pls dont call me out ::(( 

---

“Anything to drink?” He asked casually, causing the girl to squirm in her seat. Her discomfort was amusing to him, as she was the one who had traveled out in the first place. She was present of her own volition but acted as though her emotions had such an irresistible hold on her, or rather Brian did, that she was there out of a primal need rather than any conscious decision.

“No- No, I’m ok, thank you.” The tall man glanced back at her with a soft, sad air about him. This feeling often came with their interactions as of late, despite their past. He averted his gaze from her body and turned his attention on pouring himself some tea instead. They existed in simple silence for a few moments, the only sound in the small kitchen was that of the kettle on the stove and the pouring of boiling water in his cup. He stood at the counter and took a long sip before turning slowly to sit across from his unsolicited guest. A feather soft smile graced his lips as he took her in. Even in an unfortunate situation, she was unbelievable, the same as ever.

The woman bit her lip before leaning forward and uncrossing her tense legs, “So, uh, wh-”

Brian set his drink down with a small clink on the table, the sound meant to interrupt her question. He just stared into the hot earthy contents for a moment and stirred it slowly. “Anita’s at her semi-annual retreat this week without me.” He cleared his throat, “I couldn’t spare the time between the post-production bustle and having to prepare for the cosmos convention.” His smile was thin and he took a sip of his tea before continuing, “I’m home alone for a while,” his eyes traced the woman’s silhouette before meeting her gaze as she was doing the same to him, “but I think you knew that.”

“Look-” She started quietly, but ultimately she could maintain the eye contact long enough to finish and slouched for a second instead. Ginger looked down at his comment, avoiding the aim of his accusatory glance. With a huff, she sat up and turned to face suddenly face him directly. “Maryanne kicked me out for the night.”

The elder of the two raised his brows and put his cup down with a concerned expression. “She kicked you out?” He asked incredulously.

The redhead swallowed, “Shes ‘moving on’.” She spat her words at him with a clear distaste for her lovers choice of actions as well as words.

The long fingers of the guitarist slid across the table and laid open for an embrace. Ginger glanced up at him cautiously before deciding his soft eyes held genuity and she laced her hand in his. The tips of his digits wrapped around her like they were made to fit with one another. Her hands in his caused a wave of emotions to ripple from the contact and Brian could barely handle it. He sniffled and slowly let his thumb slide over the never aging skin of the woman he once adored, and though he would tell himself otherwise, he still adored.

“I'm sorry,” he began, but she shook her head violently with an angry frown. She unintentionally squeezed his outstretched hand but he squeezed right back.

“Don't be. She’s just-” Ginger sighed, “She's different now, you know?”

Her aura slowly shifted from that of deep warm hues to softer cooler tones, from red and oranges to blues and purples like a dying flame coming down from its hottest point. Brian could feel the shift shoot through her and he prepared himself to stand and hold her the minute she needed him to.

Ginger looked up to meet Brian's sympathetic stare. He had always been the key to their emotions and it unlocked some kind of flood gate in her. She could feel it rush all at once in seemingly every part of her body. “I just don't wanna lose her, Brian!” She let it our like a gust of wind from her mouth, a storm of repressed worried. “I can't-! Not like I lost you!”

Just as he knew he would be needed, the man stood and went to her side. She stood as he approached and let him engulf her in his long arms as tears escaped and ran down her already red cheeks. She was shaking, having no way to handle or process the realization their return had thrust upon her. Brian held her sobbing head close in his chest, stroking her short hair and tightening his limbs protectively around her warm body. She could feel him place a small kiss on her head, whispering and cooing to her as he once had long ago, “Hush now, it'll all be alright, my darling girl,” his voice would waver now and again as he calmed her, “my sweet, beautiful, darling, darling, girls.” The smaller hands of the woman held dependently to the collar of his sweater and she choked back a final sob before attempting to speak again.

Her small voice came out with a rasp, raw from her cries, as she tilted her head back to meet the eyes of her familiar love, “We made things work, Brian. Why can't we just be like that again?” She pleaded with shining green eyes that took the man to another scene for a moment, one of discovery and firsts, one full of ecstasy and elation, but one so different than his present. “We were happy, Harold. Why can't we be happy again?” A weak attempt at a smile graced her lips at the loosening of her tongue, unfolding the old name like opening an old scrapbook.

Had her hands not been traveling up his changed face to tether him to his physical body, her use of his other name, so intimate and exclusive, would have had him lost right then and there in the sensation she provided. She cradled his face and her shaking lips begged to be kissed, tangling her fingers in his grey curls to entice him. Drifting closer and closer until he was bent to breathe down her neck, the temptation became too much.

It may have started at the neck but it moved in hot streaks from the necks to jaws to lips on lips. While Ginger's hands were preoccupied with the buttons of his shirt, Brian’s were holding her as close to him as he could, sprawled out on her back dangerously close to her ass. She mapped out his chest with the tips of her nails while her tongue did the same with his mouth. Nothing needed to be mapped, really, because for her it was like walking down a road to your first home. Even after you've left it, you'll always remember how to get there, no matter how much shrubbery grows over the path or how long it goes unattended. Brian was their home and they always seemed to find their way back to him, regardless of the distance put between them.

Brian thought she was exactly the same. Everything about her physically was just as she was when she left him. He then pulled away at the reemergence of that memory. As he separated from her, she mewled in protest, the loss of connection cold on her. That was right, though, she had left and he had stayed. Years and years had gone by and he had made a life for himself, more of a life, or in the very least a life without them.

“Brian,” Ginger moaned, trying to snake her arms back around his neck, “baby, what's wrong?” Her eyes were closed and her shirt was half haphazardly pushed up but her exposure only made Brian suddenly feel sicker.

“You know what's wrong, my love.” His languid fingers worked to pry her needy form off him with much difficulty. Her pouts turned to frowns and he gently, if not reluctantly, pulled her clothes back in place on her but she swatted him away as he spoke. “Ginger, darling, all of this is what's wrong.”

He motioned to them, to the empty house, to the hairs sticking to her face like sunny, golden, cherubic looking locks. She was glowing, but wasn't she always? She was in his eyes but that only made it all harder. “What?” She spat, “That- That I still love you? That's wrong?”

So much of it hurt him but he- He had to. It was really the only acceptable course of action. The teenager in him beat on his heart like Roger on a gong and begged and pleaded for there to be another way, for him to run away with her like he was 17 again, but he was old and his heart no longer reverberated in his chest like it used to. “You're the most intelligent creature I've ever encountered, my love. You know why all this is wrong.”

The tears returned and rolled down her face in record time as she bit her lip. “Why can't things go back to the way they were? It was perfect-”

He sighed, “The world is always changing-”

“I love you, Brian Harold May! And you still love me! I know you do! Isn’t that what you taught us?” With calculated steps, she aimed to close the distance between them but the older man kept her at arms distance now. “If we're in love then we should be together!” With every word, her speech became less and less intelligible through her sobs. “I just- I don’t understand!”

His heart shook as it shattered in his chest at her final words, a final crash to end an epic saga. “Things are a lot more complicated now, Ginger. You'll understand someday-” He held back his own tears and watched her pace the floor in front of him.

“Don't be so fucking condescending!” She snapped, stopping to look him in the eyes, the same eyes she saw when she first arrived. They were the only consistent thing in her long life, the love he held in his gaze. It softened her against her will. She wanted to be angry, not for the first time ever, but for the first time for personal reasons.

Brian paused at this. He had never seen her exhibit this much emotion before especially not aggression. All this time and he wasn't sure if he’d ever seen her this mad. “I'm sorry-”

“Don't be.” There she was. She was back to being cold. Face dry and slack, she was a woman of logic and decision. She collected herself and her things, jackets, and bags scattered around the room, refusing any help or assistance offered by Brian.

He didn't do a thing to stop her in the end. He knew she would find somewhere else to go, to stay, someone else to keep her warm. He had no doubt about that. She was well loved and well read, but ignorant in the ways of society. He worried but he couldn't have stopped her if he’d wanted to anyway. He desperately wanted to, but he knew the second his skin sparked on hers again he wouldn't be able to stop this time. No one in his life deserved that, his kids didn't deserve a father like that and his wife, God, she deserved more than he was being right then.

The door closed with a slam and Brian watched from the window as she got in her car but she didn't leave. She just sat there, hunched over her steering wheel and what he could only assume was yelling. Her mouth was wide and her eyes were shut tightly. He hadn't even realized the tears falling from his own eyes. He didn't wait for her to leave, he couldn't take the site of her any longer, not here not like this.

Behind some of his amps, Brian kept a box. It was filled with old photos, some bits of clothing, and all sorts of pieces of art. His favorite, of course, was the photos though. There they were, all together, smiling and in love. The three of them, they were- They were unstoppable, untouchable. It was golden with them, always. God, he thought how did it come to this? How could their story have arrived at this conclusion? And all Brian could assume was that this simply wasn't yet the conclusion.

I had a really weird dream involving Dr Maddiman. Its a shame i can barely remember any of it and also it seems i woke up before it ended? Like i just had this overwhelming sense that allll the plot threads were gonna be wrapped up any second now and then BOOM awake. So just a whole bunch of random stuff happened with no real explanation at all.

It was some sort of post apocolyptic setting i think? Humanity was in these small isolated cities fighting against some sort of invading army but we never actually saw the aliens themselves. And some part of my brain was like "it makes sense its the same rules as a hairdresser and the design takes cues from a pack of AAA batteries". I have NO idea what that means! So basically everythibg was super vague and undescribed and dream-me just had a sense of already being a long time fan of this series and knowing enough to fill in the gaps. Apparantoy this was some sort of adaptation of a thing id already seen, but id been told the ending was different and more accurate to the manga? Also i wasnt actually a person watching this show i was still the protagonist of the show yet i acted like i'd been reincarnated and relived this week a million times or something

ANYWAY the way dr maddiman comes in is that he was some sort of 'brilliant but dangerous' expert the government had hired to help our fight against the aliens. It wasnt really explained why he was.. yknow.. maddiman. Like is this meant to be that ghosts also exist in this sci fi universe? Was he a half alien hybrid instead of a yokai? Was it just human maddiman with the personality of yokai maddiman due to ptsd...? In any case he didnt seem entirely tethered to the laws of reality and nobody knew exactly how he pulled off all his scientific miracles. He was treated as the only guy who could understand the mindset of the aliens, but that also made him dangerous because he trapped in the delusion of everything being okay and fun and happy and he often did evil things by accident while having good intentions. But they didnt have anyone else who'd cracked the code of the alien weaponry so they had to put up with him. He was just sorta assigned a crack team of secret agents whose job was Be The Old Man's Friend So We Dont All Die. Dont let him realise how the world is all destroyed and such, just play along with his goofyness and try and remind him to do his important work while dancing around why its important. it was super creepy how he was locked up and gaslighted like this!! And he was all 'oh im sure when im done with my ultimate experiment i can go home to my wife and kids' and yeah it was implied here that the same backstory applied :( 'distract the old man and validate his false opinion that his family is still alive and waiting for him' :( poor sci fi madds :(

Oh also for some reason he seemed to be wearing elements of Adventure era Dr Eggman's outfit? But just the general style of the coat and the wearing goggles that he never actually uses. And he had a very warm and cuddly autumnal colourscheme

Anyway i was part of the Super Secret Grampa Cherishing Division whose job was to act as his assistant but also secretly be packing a bazillion weapons to neutralize him if he poses a danger to humanity. But i started to genuinely care for the guy and question the 'any atrocity is permitted for the sake of saving the world' philosophy of my bosses. Also it was just very weird how it was this post apocolypse alien fighting action thing yet i didnt see ANY OF IT cos this story was confined to this one laboratory. It was surreal hearing about all this stuff happening offscreen!

I think Maddiman's main project was some sort of dimensional transport thing using salvaged alien tech? It was just a door in his lab that usually led to a closet but if he got it working itd teleport us straight to the alien base and save the world. And a lot of it wasnt explained but i got this great sense that itd all come together with a great twist ending evebtually but then i woke up before i got that far. Same for the reveal of this maddiman's new sci fi backstory and soooo many other dropped plot threads. Alas!

So anyway: closet. Closet with one of those bead curtain things cos i was thinking about them when i fell asleep. It was supposed to be a teleport but when it malfunctioned it had really scary negative effects warping people's biology and stuff. I remember one of the test subjects was sent in for a five day trip to a specific alternate dimension but then when they came back itd been several years and theyd had to survive in a deadly wasteland and been mutated into a hellbeast. And maddiman had a huge breakdown because he felt like his recklessness and optimism towards this experiment had caused this mistake to happen, and he'd never realized just how awful the consequences could be. He was babbling motor mouth discussing theories for where it went wrong and there was something like 'we'd only tested it for one day trips and assumed that just programming two of them would equal two days but actually with each additional number on the screen it multiplies the days by 3" And there was something about like...the bead curtain was the machine rather than the door itself? Like trying it on a bunch of different doors around the lab to try and find a way to cure this person.

And there was some sort of artificial intelligence computer with the personality of an adorable lil girl, who helped maddiman do calculations and stuff. She missed the mistake in this calculation cos her concept of linear time and the limits of human organs was kinda undeveloped. She only existed within the realm of numbers after all, and didbt even have functionality to record footage of her human friends's faces. No idea wtf a human looks like! So maddiman was lost in his desperate grief of potentially accidebtally killing or at least mentally scarring a person and the government would probably kill them now if they saw they were a super mutant. And he was sobbing and begging this AI to help, his last resort was her maybe being able to see a brainwave that he'd missed. But she was freaking out cos she didnt even fully understand why maddiman was crying let alone what to do to fix it. Eventually she did manage to find a solution theough some simple different logic thing that she had from her perspective as a computer. And that person was saved but still traumatized and maddiman had a moment of realizing just how high stakes everything was and freaking out. He was like 'whats wrong with my head, why didnt i notice that, why was i so reckless, why cant i seem to grasp basic human logic that i need right now" Having a big existential crisis of 'wait how did i even get in this lab, where's my family and why do i seem to have superpowers'. Protagonist mission: hide all the goddamn mirrors to avoid this weird ghostgramp (...aliengramp??) from realizing he's dead (..or an alien??) and losing control of himself. And everyone was running around talking about 'containment procedures' and poor maddiman didnt know that if his panic attack continued he might just straight up be killed for outliving his usefulness. So the protagonist was desperate to help him calm down and it sucked SO MUCH cos they had to lie about his past and weave the web of deception around him again for his own safety. In the end they just hugged him close until he calmed down, and all the other employees were like GASP THEY ACTUALLY TOUCHED THE EVIL DANGEROUS SUPER EVIL MAN and protag was like 'i am 1% away from slapping the next bitch who insults this grandpa'. And it was super depressing cos once he'd calmed down he seemed to start forgetting that anything bad had ever happened?? And he was really panicking and scared cos he didnt understand why he was forgetting, and he knew he had to cling onto something important but he didnt know what. And then five minutes later he was back to haha cheerful nothing is wrong and i love doing my fun science in this room im never allowed to leave. And protagonist was crying the tears that this poor gramp wasnt allowed to cry :(

Also actually i think maybe he was a ghost AND an alien? Like he was a scientist who died in some sort of tragedy back when the aliens first invaded, but along the way he'd been infected so his body got back up as a twisted combination of human and inhuman. And this was something unique to him, like he just happened to have a genetic mutation in his blood that was totally undetectable in life but happened to mix unpredictably with this alien virus to turn him into a hybrid instead of just killing him. So the government was very interested in finding a way to replicate this and create new supersoldiers, as well as just taking advantage of this dude's confused mental state that granted him a unique understanding of alien tech that made him more effective than other scientists. And, of course, also made him easy to manipulate :(

And i also had a feeling that maybe his backstory was mixed up with Adventure dr eggman? Like here it seemed he had a daughter instead of a son, and she had a similar death to Maria Robotnik where she was assasinated by the government he worked for, and it tipped him over the edge. I think Maddiman-alien-scifi-dude originally died trying to save her from being used in some sort of experiment? Like she was already dying of a disease and thats why maddiman took this job to have access to powerful government technology to try and look for a cure. But when the whole alien apocolypse happened, the evil government decided to use her for experiments cos she was 'basically dead anyway'. Theyd just lie and tell maddiman she died of her illness. So this was how they found out that this particular family's bloodline had a mutation that let them form a viable hybrid with alien dna. They were turning this poor kid into a monster in the basement while lying to her dad about her being dead! And maddiman was about to commit suicide from having no reason to live anymore, with the hell of this apocolypse world and the false impression that his kid was already dead. But somehow monster-daughter sensed this or something and broke out of containment to try and save him, and when he saw her he was able to recognise her even in her twisted state. So when the soldiers gunned her down in front of him and fed him some lies about this not being his daughter, he just completely snapped. He tried in vain to fight back and take down as many of them as possible in revenge, but well he was just a simple round dad with no ability to fight a government. So he was unceremoniously executed along with his kid and they shoved the bodies back in the lab to continue testing. "Damn that overemotional science dad, he made us execute our most valable test subject! But at least this way we can analyze his corpse to see if the mutation is passed down on the patrilineal side." But at some point during the fight, monster-daughter's blood had splashed on her dad and gotten into his bloodstream. So the seemingly dead body suddenly got up out of the morgue and started sucking people's blood or something. And this led to the current situation where they have him locked up cos he's a valuable test subject but also hey he has 100% reason to kill all of us and we're screwed if he remembers his past. Also i think the computer AI thing was his subconcious attempt to recreate the personality of his daughter even if he couldnt remember she'd ever existed :(

Anyway at some point things escalated and there was this final showdown versus both the invading aliens and the evil governmebt guys. I think there was some corrupt greedy politician dude who stole maddiman's teleporter tech and sold us out to the aliens cos he wanted money and power or something. And probably predictably the aliens just threw him off a bridge after he gave them the thing, because seriously even this evil army thinks these government dudes are too evil!

So this big actiony event was happening and Maddiman was freaking out like 'no no no i cant leave the lab everyone wpuld be mad at me, i dont even know what its like outside this room' even when he was in the middle of being attacked by aliens. He was forced to face his repressed memories to survive, and he naturally had a massive fuckin freakout! And i think maybe when protagonist character was trying to protect him he accidentally lashed out with his powers and hurt them, and he was so horrified thinking another person he cared about was gonna die because of him. Protagonist was like 'dont worry gramps its just a scratch' but he'd already freaked out and run away into the battlefield to his heavily implied death.

BUT THEN at some sort of moment of dire need, he came back all powered up and re-memoried and was like 'i have every reason to despise humanity but im not gonna let more children die because of these damn corporate monsters (and also literal monsters which are infinately less scary)" And he did some sort of great sacrifice to save the protagonist at the cost of his own life, and it was super dramatic falling from a building into a lake of fire or something. While sobbing and smiling peacefully thinkibg "did i atone for my sins? Will i be able to see my family again?" As his smiling face sunk beneath the flames and the protagonist cried out into the abyss...

Aaaaand then i dont really know what happened in the big battle and i also never found out wtf the solution was to fixing the transporter thing or how the aliens invaded or any of the million plot points that were non gramp related.

I just remember that when we all saved the day and defeated the baddies we found that maddiman had actually survived and it was a big hugs reunion. He was like "OH YEAH i totally forgot i literally already died once and regenerated from it, and this was the entire start to my story. My bad!" *shrugs inexplicably not dead arms*

So yeah in summary im glad my brain summoned up a universe where my favourite sad granddad is literally immortal now, but also why did it torment him with an even sadder plot than his original one

Headcanons on how the ToG series might have gone if Sam and Nehemia had stayed alive? I’ve been pondering on it myself, since I want to write a fanfic kinda involving how that dynamic would have played out with the story.

oooohhhh my gooooddd im so delighted you asked me that I have SO many thoughts!!! I’d love to read a fanfic like that bc im always……thinkin abt it

okay so in MY head it goes a lil somethin like this:

In terms of Sam, the plot of the final story in TaB goes ahead as it does in canon- Arobynn tells Celaena that Sam is dead, BUT this time he tells her one of his spies reported they saw sams body in Rourke Farrans house.

So good ol celaena, like the big dumb chaotic aries moon she is and forever will be, goes to farrans house for revenge.

Except- its a trap to catch her, like it is in canon, and she ends up in endovier.

But this time, instead of grieving for sam and dealing with the fact that arobynn might have betrayed her, she believes both arobynn AND sam have betrayed her

Maybe because she doesn’t see sam in farrans so she thinks its a trap, or maybe arobynns plan to seperate the two is to manipulate the two apart by sowing that seed of doubt in celaena, knowing that she will return to only trusting him, so he plans to have celaena think sam is in on it 

Now when Sam hears celaena’s gone to endovier? loses it. He’s totally suspicious of Arobynn and enlists the help of lys & Wesley to get revenge/ and or get her out. 

I don’t know whether he would stay with arobynn- part of me imagines celaena being gone means he’d have to pay off his debts again or something, maybe he wants to hang around arobynn to gather more information about why he set celaena up

i don’t really think he could bear to live in celaenas apartment, because i think he’d feel REALLY guilty and angry.

so sam doesn’t succeed in breaking celaena out before dorian gets to her, and i think he as a character would grow a bit tougher and a bit meaner. maybe throw himself into the pit fighting a bit more.

so dorian comes to exploit  i mean free celaena, and then i think the plot progress as normal- in terms of how nehemia is introduced, and how their relationship develops.

[quick side note-i think celaena, still reeling from what she thinks is a betrayal, and then a terrible year, maybe does go through with the dorian half-romance b plot in the first book, and then can’t go through with it in the end. I don’t think she would go for chaol at all, because part of the reason she’s drawn to him is the sense of stability he provides, and because its a chance for the life she wanted with sam-  stability and sam-like traits work against her in this timeline; why would she be so taken when chaol says he’d leave adarlan with her? Sam promised to do the same and he betrayed her.]

Now in terms of Nehemia- like i said, the plot progresses as normal in terms of their relationship and interactions, and nehemias desire to force celaena to become the person she needs her to be- this time, NOT because she think aelin/celaena is the only one who can save her people or her country or whatever, but because her firepower and her country are valuable assests to the strategy nehemia wants to plan for her country/

and nehemia is working on dorian AND aelin at the same time, but she feels way less bad for dorian. She’s determined that this is what needs to be done, that it HAS to be done that way, but she’s really struggling with the guilt of watching celaena clearly struggle a year out of endovier.

I think she’d also be slightly, secretly angry at celaena/aelin- like she COULDN’T understand why and how aelin would want to shirk her role as a queen. And I can see that tension being there for a while as a response to nehemias guilt, maybe to mask it, because she genuinely has come to love celaena.

So I think it goes one of two ways- Nehemia fakes her death as a way of escaping the castle and the dodgy rebels to get back to Ellywe with the information she’s learned, making an educated guess that doing so will tip the emotional tether in celaena to force her to become aelin. aelin = firepower = fighting skills = terrasen army. jackpot.

OR celaena eventually confies in Nehemia, instead of chaol that she’s the Queen, and then its Nehemia who convinces the King to send her to Wendlyn.

And that creates a massive tension because celaena is like WHAT i JUST told you these people are literally related to me 

And she’s angrier than she’s ever been because this, to her, is betrayal no. 2

Maybe its that anger, instead of grief that fuels her revival as aelin. 

So then back to Sam- I don’t know exactly  if he’d be part of the Terrasen resistance, but I think maybe celaena being taken to endovier, run by adarlan tips him into Fuck Those Guys territory.

Either way, when celaena runs into Archer in book 2, archer goes back to sam to say GUESS WHAT

celaena is not only alive, but working for the king! she’s the kings champion!

Sam either takes this well: I cant believe they would make her work for them how terrible are they lets keep resisiting them 

Or he takes it badly i.e “You mean to tell me I’ve been working against adarlan FOR her this entire time and she’s been working for them happy as a clam? she just SIGNED over her life to the guy?? Fuck her”

Because here’s the thing- I don’t see a role for a chaol in a world where sam is still alive, because I think sam would fill the role chaol occupies in com/hof/qos/tod/- the bitter, jilted lover who felt like they gave up SO much for her and look what she’s gone and done that stupid bitch

Im saying this based on how sam confesses to celaena in TaB- he knows they are BOTH being abused by arobynn, he knows he’s the only one of the two that recognises it as abuse, and he still says to her that he can’t be around her if she “chose” arobynn over him. He doesn’t really….want to share.

OR option 3: In the timeline where Nehemia sends Celaena to Wendlyn, Nehemia herself stays in Adarlan and continues working with the rebels, one of whom is Sam. From Sam she learns more about celaenas back story and begins to feel a bit more understanding of her, and begins to queitly pray that she’s done the right thing, that celaena will understand why it had to be done. I don’t think she would make apologies for it, but she would be genuinely concerned about how she’s doing over there, unlike every other character in hof.

But Sam learns from Nehemia about Celaenas brief dalliance with Dorian, or learns from Aedion about who she actually is. I don’t think it would be the knowledge of who she is that bothers him, like it did chaol, but instead the idea, warped by the bitterness of her and dorian, that she had all this power all this time and ran away from it. I see that being that kicker in the confrontation, and I see Aelin having to have the conversation on the balcony with him instead of chaol.

Ok so second side note, and i havent finished koa so i dont know if we meet the royal family in Ellywe or if we learn whether or not they knew about her plans but in the timeline where Nehemia returns to Ellwye, the court and her family are FURIOUS with her, 1. because she’s the heir to the throne in an increasingly dangerous environment what do you mean you faked your death  to escape the country are you fucking serious??? WHY??? and maybe these grown men in her court don’t take her seriously because thats a big theme.and then 2. because her court are annoyed she took the iniative to do something so they keep chipping away at her- where is your firebringer- oh she’s not here? and we don’t have a guaranteed alliance? and you’re not in contact with the rebels because 1. they think youre dead and 2. one of their leaders was murdered by your friend to avenge you? Hows that gonna help. So she has to fight for their approval the same way aelin later fights darrow. what a beautiful parallel that would be.

Like imagine the JOY and relief and FEAR nehemia would feel upon hearing about aelin setting maeves people on fire- she begins to wonder for the first time,,, who is it she’s actually unleashed…. and will she want to help her?

Sorry I know thats SO long and rambly and kind of aelin centric i literally dont know how to write ANYTHING without including ms [g]a[y]shryver in it. also i cannot,,,,,, spell,,,, but THANK YOU for this ask i hope your fanfic goes well!!!!!

We really are tethered and connected to special people at some certain degree eh no. An inexplainable feeling that takes over you, but is subtle enough for you not to notice it. Can be as simple as going out of your usual route and meeting someone significant there…Maybe the universe’s way for us to come together.

I do remember some simple urges such as messaging a friend na wala lang, even without any cues or clues from their social media na sonething’s off. And right off the bat, that certain person was feeling low at that moment. I guess i wouldnt really compare it to reading cues talaga such as posts, as those are far from subtle and tell everything na mismo. Although i guess it has something to do with me being more in tuned kaya kahit walang clues; like in a sense na more open and receptive, just being tethered.

Although you would think na if you’re tethered to someone, it has to come with depency and attachment issues. I think that’s kinda off tho. Separation anxiety, i can clearly get (and i think is just healthy as mukang normal process lang naman sya) but it’s very different talaga with the other two mentioned.

Why i’m thinking about this?? That i dont know pero to maybe just to make sense and regurgitate lang a tangible explanation of how things work.

Maybe me trying to completely digest na talaga what happened the other day. I guess i have really bad separation anxiety talaga no. I mean even as a child, it was really bad na temper tantrums would be thrown out. Mmm

Although now, i dont feel bad na. At that hour na it was happening, it felt like the usual “worst feelings ever”. I did split pero i think that EP was different than what’s supposed to come out. Not quite an off switch based on what i remember sa natype sa chat. Off switch if mine would usually be 0 empathy na and pure logic functioning nalang. I think yung response should’ve been similar to this… but it wasnt.

Alrhough, nothing really wrong with that but i might’ve miscounted. Also remembering how that one spoke, is different. Much more comparable to the core but more subdued and level headed. Capability to empathize is not the same with core pero would still be labelled as empathetic compared to the usual human being. A lot dialed down lang.

If i did miscount how many were there, then that makes sense. If not 6, then 7. Expounding on how different that one spoke, a lot more dedicated to the person. Trying to comfort the person internally, trying to sooth. Might make sense as to why i remember when i was supposed to spiral out, iba yung self soothing methods. Might be where yung phrase na “it’s okay” and “dont worry” usually comes from.

I’d consider that na mas dedicated to the person. By person, meaning myself, by myself, meaning core personality. A lot of EPs are more focused with external stimulation rather than internal. Reacting to whoever you’re interacting with, stimulation, certain triggers, and the likes. Although, almost certain na that one has triggers too, but i think yung trigger is yung self and how the self is feeling.

A certain fondness noticed too para sa self. Although most EPs have a purpose directed to self, pero not actually internal fondness. Still external fondness na i maybe like things as hot or cold etc.

Although i do agree with what was said that EPs are not generally bad. Splitting, isnt bad and they are not supposed to get rid of those as they help the self to cope with whatever stimulation is given to them.

Why i’m out is not much of a concern as it used to be. I am here to make sense and digest whatever happened, that’s all. I do notice na her trauma responses changed drastically. Not too much of a concern too me as copings change, but this EP used to be the most level headed and closest na we had to an off switch. Like would say na comolete handling of everything. Why it was mentioned earlier by that new EP na she was the main trauma response is unknown. Might be na cannot make sense of the situation pa and connot determine herself as different from some of us. But i would say na we are very much different but a few similarities.

One of the being na we’re both level headed, logic high incorporated with how actions are done. I think thag mught be the main part (or only part) but the difference is quite stark. One of them being more connected and in tuned with the self and its emotions. Incorporating logic but at the same time the practicality of emotion. Unlike to me na complete logic only and none for emotions. Both are not bad. Another dtark difference is our dedication for the person. I would not say na i dont care about the self pero my purpose is not to console her. It’s to most communicate what she needs to say and do what she needs to do. Although the other one, i can see can probably do half of what i can do, pero she can also console the self.

Eitherway, the existence of every EP is not unwelcomed, some clearly need to be avoided.

I feel na i have strayed from what I really wanted to digest, which was the incident that happened the other night.

To make things quick, the easiest way to explain this how high yung separation anxiety ng self. Although i am not sure if there is still mourning for the loss in her part, i can see na everything is quite calm. Not sure if yung reason ba is handled completely na, asleep completely, or just got over it.

Externally it seems na her reaction is on the “over it” scale. Not really upset about the loss anymore as it she were on the first hour. Pero i can see na there is a slight concern for the other party. Na the other party, might be guilty with what happened (aside from his other feelings of i dont know regarding to his self)

Not my responsibility to console the self, what more other people. I think generally the purpose of this person to “that” person is to give him a reality check. So far, ok na naman. I think it’s only rightful for her to sleep now, as she is not really called to do anything to anyone.

If ever her purpose in life is as she believes, which is to touch people’s lives and give them that push to wake them up, then i believe na she is doing a great job. I do not blame her for being upset at times as she craves a someone who has the same role as hers in her life. It’s only rightful for her to feel that way and thats how emotions work. I cannot blame her for that nor balme her for not being able to attain peace with her considered purpose as humans will generally search for that belongingness.

I cannot say that i do feel sorry for her pero i understand why she feels that way. I can only say how magnificent it must be to finally find your pattern and conclude na it’s to touch people’s lives to wake them up. It sounds stupid pero even i am convinced as i have seen with both of my eyes. Although i am not as empathetic as the self (actually rather none) i can comorehend how people react to her. In her words, people are drawn. In mine, i cannot exactly pinpoint what explanation pero they are. I think it mostly has something to do with the way she acts and how people would usually respond to those certain actions.

I think that’s all i (and she) needs to digesg. So far i dont have anything to say. I feel sleepy tho

Well, just want to add in, that there’s more that needs to be taken into account when it comes to Grammys than a song just being a bop, there’s something to be said for a song having depth and a tether to reality, and the ability to tell a story and convey emotion, which fine line has over many of the other considered albums

yes I agree but anon explained how they felt and I have too I didnt even get into the praise and charting part of it because we all know fine line has been highly acclaimed and is still doing huge numbers thats just facts so theres really not much more for me to say about it, its doing it all on its own anyones personal opinion on an album has nothing to do with anything getting a nomination so its not really even an argument either way

Anonymous said: I totally disagree with that anon on fine line and I found it kind of unfortunate their opinion on it not being good enough but I know I’m not allowed to share my opinion as to why I disagree lol that’s ok though

yeah and I felt the same but they kindly responded to me asking why so im going to be respectful back even though I dont agree with them

Anonymous said: Future nostalgia aged like milk for me to be honest. Like there are two good songs on that album and the rest are just... Nope. And dua is simply doing too much with the release of 3737327 remixes like we get it. If it got nominated over fine line I'll personally be pissed because it's just a jumble of pop tunes where fine line is an actually cohesive body of work with versatility and is overall a better quality regarding lyrics and production

yeah I still like it but the whole remixes thing was just stupid of her team tbh

Anonymous said: I’m confused what people are basing this whole “Harry doesn’t deserve a nomination” thing on???? Like what else could he do 😂 whether he’ll actually get one or not is tbd, but I feel like there shouldn’t be a question whether he deserves one or not

yup exactly lol hopefully his team has submitted him for categories and hopefully the voters see how well he did and he gets at least a nom :)

so we’ve all said our part and im going to kindly ask we pack it up cause I know this conversation could go on all day lol and ive said what ive needed to say

Its funny, but not in a HA HA HA kind of way

things have been...all over the godsdamn place of late ive been busy ive been broken ive been, a bit under construction of late. there was a bit of a phoenixing going on behind the scenes and maybe not everyone knew it. or maybe they did and i am not as lowkey as i fancy myself to be sometimes. there was a bit of a semi-public accidental crash recently, so... it doesnt matter. no, i mean it totally matters but thats...not the point of this recently, i went on vacation. there was a road trip with my sister and it was all kinds of things. it was, above all....FUCKING NECESSARY but. to the point of this post:: we were driving back from a week in daytona and it was the middle of the night and we were talking about things and stuff and nonsense and serious stuff and bullshit and like...everything...because that is kind of this thing that we do sometimes and shes had kind of a rough go in her own way and i think we both sort of needed a quality 3am talk about what one wants to do when they realize they dont have to camp out at rock bottom anymore and that there are options beyond "idk, just not die i guess" and in all of the talk about all of the things, she asked me why i stopped writing. (because she is a cunt and kind of a sadist) i dont have an answer for that i have a list of like...bullshit excuses for why i dont write depression lack of focus nothing to say impostor syndrome "i cant i have rehearsal" etc etc etc but i didnt have an ANSWER in that moment but i did tell her that recently, id been thinking a whole lot about how i miss doing slam and spoken word. that even if i dont have the stamina to write longform anything, doesnt mean i dont have things to say and that maybe it would be a way to get my legs back under me but i dont know because its been a really REALLY long time and what if i dont know how anymore and the rules have changed and like nothing i have to say is interesting to anyone else or like what if there is something i feel deep all the way into my marrow, but like someone else can say it better? this bitch has the audacity to pull over to the side of the road. like in the middle of fucking NOWHERE mountainsville, kentucky or wherever the fuck we were...and goes "so, its funny you should mention THAT. its funny, but not in a HA HA HA kind of way. i have to show you this thing. but its going to kick you in the face. long dramatic pause, because she knows just a little bit too much about my life possibly twice" ...and then shows me the following spoken word piece on her spotify playlist: ~~~~~~~ **We never promised each other much, we were always just kind of touch and go. as if we knew we'd know that somehow we'd grow differently. so we did and we do and none of this is to say that it wasn't worth going through or that i care any less about you. shoulders to lean on are hard to come by. I know because there were times I would have broken my own neck just so that I'd have one of my own to cry on. And I remember when each finger was a pawn moving slowly across the chessboard of your body and we made each game last. Passed up each avenue of attack because neither one of us were trying to win So how do we begin again when that feels like now and this feels like then? When all I can do is tell you "if you've got something that needs saying, tonight I'm paying dues." I've got a pocket full of blues and two pennies to rub together Which means I'm wealthy enough that I can finally afford to pay attention. I'm listening. And I know right now I'm somehow like that kid sitting in math class, terribly aware of his first boner. It's hard. But difficulty has never been a good enough reason to describe the effort it takes to make the good times and the memories worth having. And they were and they are and I wouldn't have come this far if you weren't worth the sleepless nights where abandoned appetites of a heart, now rail-thin, because of the constant hunger strikes. In your absence, I'm finding value, because what starves you carves you, and I'm chipping away the rough edges of a statue built to memorialize everything we've been through. And when I'm done, I'm gonna set it against the backdrop of the sun and stare just no matter where I go, it'll always be etched into the back of my mind, stenciled in behind whatever future I have left to find. Maybe we were never meant to last. Maybe we're only meant to reflect fondly upon a past where we cast ourselves in the lead role of a one-year sitcom. One that had the critics standing, while putting hand to palm, in an ovation we're still getting curtain calls for. And the stage floor was a graveyard for the freshly cut roses that we waded through to take our bows and say thank you. It was beautiful. And it was and it is and none of it was ever show-biz. But we were waiting for lights to dim on a stage where we set ourselves to music. As if the swelling violins could ever mimic the hidden moments found in the theatre where we kept audiences stapled to their seats. And they watched us, looking for vacancies they could occupy in the spaces between our heartbeats, as if silence was a room for rent, and we both went "shh." But the beats themselves: they were loud enough to drown out the applause. And we laughed at the ushers left looking in the aisles for the dropped jaws of patrons who still can't believe we took time to find beauty in the flaws we possess. That there's only something better to be found in allowing our collective damage to coalesce. And all we confess of ourselves forever is that we will make it through this. We're gonna make it through this, like a big-ass jug of kool-aid with legs and arms busting through a brick wall to quench the thirst of our loneliness and say "fuck yeah." Yes, I miss you. When I'm not looking, the softest parts of me will issue restraining orders. Not the kind that define borders or boundaries; these are the kind that will keep me in place when I ask "please, call me when you get there." Because every somewhere I go to, is just another place that reminds me I miss you. And my broken heart is where I keep the scar-tissue that I used to dry my eyes when a tear tries to make a break for it. I've built my eyelids into an Alcatraz, where every prisoner has a parole board meeting scheduled for yesterday. And they played dominoes until time comes full circle, like a sunrise, and today tries to set them free because they'll be locked up here until I let them go, until it's safe to let you know you're my best friend. And that some things end so that other things can begin. Sometimes an ending can be an origin. That history is a resin that can keep two people stuck together, that change can be a tether if you let it. I'll always want to kiss you. Or touch you. Or do that thing that drives you crazy. And by that, I mean you literally go crazy when I call you "cranky pants." Sorry, but it makes me laugh. And that's important to someone who's given more than half of their life to tragedy. I keep your side of the bed empty with a just-in-case mentality of that hope's middle name is maybe and maybe you miss me too. One day, you and I are going to make it through this. And we'll look back and we'll realize that we have, and we did, promise. PROMISE--shane koyczan** ~~~~~ go ahead and take a minute take all the time you need because i needed fucking 20 minutes and i am pretty sure i stopped breathing we sat there in dead silence at almost 4 am on a dark as mountain road and she just held my hand while silent tears fell out of my stupid fucking face. because, like she knew she would be... she was not wrong. she was so very very not wrong. i got back to chicago on monday i have spent the last few days (still not writing) debating like...what to do with this. do i post it on Other Social Media? do i text a youtube link? do i tag everyone who crossed my mind as i listened to it the first time? (for the record, it is probably exactly who you expect, AND...other people you wouldnt so, there's been some unpacking too like "why them, though") do i sit in the corner of my shower and just cry about it for a while until it shifts from "pathetic" to "cathardic" and do i even remember where that line IS anymore? and like...sure i could direct send it but would they even read it? would they get it? would they understand? ...does it fucking matter what they think? and in all of the debating and unpacking i realized one thing: not really, no. things that resonate with ME, wont always register with Person X--certainly not always in the same way--and like...that is kind of okay, actually they dont have to get it its not for them its my thing other people will think its pretty cool, though and i can show them and those people will get excited...it only becomes problematic when Person X disregards that it resonates at all that is a dick move and like...if i, as a person. as a fucking force with which to be reckoned...resonate with so many people WHY should i keep trying to share that resonance with people who just kind of "meh" about it when i could just show it to the other people who think its pretty cool. so fuck it i will put it here and people can see it and they can think that its pretty cool or "meh" and thats ok but i should probably stop being my own Problematic Person X...