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#that will only make me feel better on a superficial level
sflow-er · 11 months
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So many thoughts on the fabulous Barbie film, but especially on how anyone who thinks it’s “hateful towards men” clearly isn’t getting the message.
SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT
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[Credit for both gifs goes to their makers!!]
I mean... Ken’s arc is secondary to Barbie’s, and rightly so. This is her film, and her message deserves to be the main takeaway.
That being said, I just find it really sad that the people who could’ve definitely used the point of Ken’s arc just let it go right over their heads. Maybe it’s because they aren’t great at reading subtext, or because they just balk at anything presented as feminist, I don’t know.
Because to me, Ken’s arc is about as far from “hateful towards men” as you can get. It’s a multi-layered depiction of how restrictive, outdated views of masculinity can hold men back and make them susceptible to harmful ideologies that promise easy solutions for all their problems but only make those problems worse and hurt others around them.
The first layer is an allegory for real men don’t show their feelings. In the movie, this is represented by Ken’s need to look tough and cool all the time, and to keep his insecurities and sadness bottled up. Barbieland is a utopia where being happy is a social norm, and the main Barbie also starts to struggle with that. The difference is that she eventually tells her friends, and they all support her. Ken just puts pressure on himself not to look weak - in front of Barbie, or in front of the other Kens.
Which brings us to the second level: a competitive and inherently hostile view of the other Kens, aka. toxic male relationships. Some of them are friends, and all of them work together for a while to build the Patriarchy, but they don’t actually bond for real. Even their boys’ nights are mainly about getting back at the Barbies for all their girls’ nights (which really were about bonding). When push comes to shove, the Kens still see each other as competition, which is one of the reasons why the Barbies are able to play them against each other.
Another reason is the third layer: the idea that Ken only has value if Barbie loves and admires him. It starts out as unrequited love that makes you feel sorry for him...until he turns bitter. He basically starts on the path that could lead him down the incel/mra rabbit hole and into a mindset where Barbie owes him love and admiration and the relationship he wants in exchange for his devotion to her. He decides that everything would be better if Barbies were subservient to Kens, but of course that’s not true. None of the Barbies’ newfound admiration for their Kens is real, and his own Barbie still rejects him.
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All this is of course underpinned by the final layer, which is Ken’s lack of self-respect and sense of purpose. He’s got a pointless job, he’s not particularly qualified for anything, and he just feels kind of lost in Barbieland - a society run by successful Barbies who are living up to their full potential. That’s why he gets so caught up in the idea of the Patriarchy, which is supposed to make him successful, get others to respect him, and give him a sense of purpose. (This can be generalised to all kinds of harmful ideologies in the real world, e.g. the alt-right movement.)
However, the success he achieves is superficial and not based on any real passion; he even admits that he wasn’t happy in his new position and already lost interest in the ideology. The (forced) respect of others does feel good for a while, but it only goes so far. At heart, the whole thing is still mostly about his feelings of inferiority and unrequited love for Barbie, and instituting this harmful new system did not resolve those for him.
So what does? In essence, breaking out of all these harmful patterns and internalising the idea that he is enough.
He ends up reflecting on his feelings, finally puts them to words (or rather, song and dance), and manages to connect with the other Kens through those feelings. He even cries in relief and acknowledges that it doesn’t make him weak. He and Barbie finally have a proper talk, he lets go of their (non-)relationship, and he listens when she says he needs to figure out his real self. He starts to see himself not through his job, his girlfriend, or even his competition with the other Kens, but as just Ken, who is enough.
I honestly can’t think of a less hateful message to send men and boys.
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lackadaisycats · 4 months
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Hey Tracy! Have you heard about the new Ai called Sora? Apparently it can now create 2D and 3D animations as well as hyper realistic videos. I’ve been getting into animation and trying to improve my art for years since I was 7, but now seeing that anyone can create animation/works in just a mare seconds by typing in a couple words, it’s such a huge slap in the face to people who actually put the time and effort into their works and it’s so discouraging! And it has me worried about what’s going to happen next for artists and many others, as-well. There’s already generated voices, generated works stolen from actual artists, generated music, and now this! It’s just so scary that it’s coming this far. 
Yeah, I've seen it. And yeah, it feels like the universe has taken on a 'fuck you in particular' attitude toward artists the past few years. A lot of damage has already been done, and there are plenty of reasons for concern, but bear in mind that we don't know how this will play out yet. Be astute, be justifiably angry, but don't let despair take over. --------
One would expect that the promo clips that have been dropping lately represent some of the best of the best-looking stuff they've been able to produce. And it's only good-looking on an extremely superficial level. It's still riddled with problems if you spend even a moment observing. And I rather suspect, prior to a whole lot of frustrated iteration, most prompts are still going to get you camera-sickness inducing, wibbly-wobbly nonsense with a side of body horror.
Will the tech ultimately get 'smarter' than that and address the array of typical AI giveaways? Maybe. Probably, even. Does that mean it'll be viable in quite the way it's being marketed, more or less as a human-replacer? Well…
A lot of this is hype, and hype is meant to drive up the perceived value of the tech. Executives will rush to be early adopters without a lot of due diligence or forethought because grabbing it first like a dazzled chimp and holding up like a prize ape-rock makes them look like bleeding-edge tech geniuses in their particular ecosystem. They do this because, in turn, that perceived value may make their company profile and valuations go up too, which makes shareholders short-term happy (the only kind of happy they know). The problem is how much actual functional value will it have? And how long does it last? Much of it is the same routine we were seeing with blockchain a few years ago: number go up. Number go up always! Unrealistic, unsustainable forever-growth must be guaranteed in this economic clime. If you can lay off all of your people and replace them with AI, number goes up big and never stops, right?
I have some doubts. ----------------------
The chips also haven't landed yet with regards to the legality of all of this. Will these adopters ultimately be able to copyright any of this output trained on datasets comprised of stolen work? Can computer-made art even be copyrighted at all? How much of a human touch will be required to make something copyright-able? I don't know yet. Neither do the hype team or the early adopters.
Does that mean the tech will be used but will have to be retrained on the adopter's proprietary data? Yeah, maybe. That'd be a somewhat better outcome, at least. It still means human artists make specific things for the machine to learn from. (Watch out for businesses that use 'ethical' as a buzzword to gloss over how many people they've let go from their jobs, though.)
Will it become industry standard practice to do things this way? Maybe. Will it still require an artist's sensbilities and oversignt to plan and curate and fix the results so that it doesn't come across like pure AI trash? Yeah, I think that's pretty likely.
If it becomes standard practice, will it become samey, and self-referential and ultimately an emblem of doing things the cookie-cutter way instead of enlisting real, human artists? Quite possibly.
If it becomes standard industry practice, will there still be an audience or a demand or a desire for art made by human artists? Yes, almost certainly. With every leap of technology, that has remained the case. ------------------ TL;DR Version:
I'm not saying with any certainty that this AI blitz is a passing fad. I think we're likely to experience a torrential amount of generative art, video, voice, music, programming, and text in the coming years, in fact, and it will probably irrevocably change the layout of the career terrain. But I wouldn't be surprised if it was being overhyped as a business strategy right now. And I don't think the immensity of its volume will ever overcome its inherent emptiness.
What I am certain of is that it will not eliminate the innate human impulse to create. Nor the desire to experience art made by a fellow soul. Keep doing your thing, Anon. It's precious. It's authentic. It will be all the more special because it will have come from you, a human.
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torialefay · 5 months
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🪐 Venus in Scorpio 🦂
(based on astrology) 🔞
✨bangchan x reader (f); this is literally just smut with a little bit of astrology lol
✨word count: ~3.5k
✨first part in a series!!! (The next ones won’t be so horny, i promise lol) Together, let’s take a look into chan’s natal chart to see what type of boyfriend he would be… this one just so happens to involve the smuttiest of the smut lol
✨i will give a brief synopsis of what each chart placement means throughout the series (for all my non-astrology friends out there <3) and how that would affect channie in a relationship :)
✨ author’s notes:
(1) i have seen some stays come to the general consensus that chan’s birth time is 8:54 pm, but i have never found a source where he states or confirms this. if you have the proof, let me know and i will re-do this post! otherwise, i do not want to speculate about birth time, as it can affect many aspects of his chart!
- *UPDATE*: some sweet stays confirmed this birth time! so we’re good to carry on :)
(2) since his birth time is unknown (to my knowledge), some aspects of his chart cannot be determined, such as house placements, ascending sign, etc. i will ONLY be writing about his definitive placements, which are his sun, moon, and planetary placements.
(3) the aspects in this reading are based solely on my opinions and interpretations! nothing about a person is set in stone simply because of astrology. please don’t use anything i say as canon :)
✨warnings: extreme smut. you have been warned; minors DNI!!!
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Venus in Scorpio: Venus is the planet of beauty and love (it is the ruler of Libra, so of course!). This accounts for both platonic and romantic love.
-Scorpios are known for their moodiness, emotion, intellect, and captivating auras. They love and find beauty in the darkest of things… Think moody tumblr bf chan. This is literally his venus in scorpio
-Because Venus in Scorpio has a very dark energy, he will most likely be attracted to dark, feminine, alluring beauty. It also explains why he is attracted to the color black and wears it often.
As your boyfriend:
• chan is borderline obsessed with you. maybe actually obsessed with you. on a level that transcends superficial. he is obsessed with your soul. in a way, he feels like he can SEE it. he gets so frustrated with himself because he feels that he can never get close enough to you. he will never be close enough to you until he joins his soul with yours. he quite literally wants to consume your mind and spirit. to live with it- live inside of you- as if it was he himself.
• he is extremely possessive over you. he cannot even think about another man touching you. although he may not say anything at first, males giving you any sort of attention would deeply bother him, as he feels like your souls are tied to each other. and how dare someone try to take what is his.
• if he sees you with his members and thinks you are getting too close, he won’t bother mentioning it to you. he will take that member aside and establish some ground rules. it is fine to play around with you, but any emotional investment they make into you is not okay and will not be tolerated.
• he waits to have sex with you. for a couple of months even. the tension between you two is absolutely insane, but he waits. he wants to know you, body and soul, before he takes any part of you. because for chan, sex means something, he knows how amazing you are, that’s why he fell for you in the first place. and he wants to be perfect for you and fully know you before there’s no going back
• the first time you have sex is absolutely magical. Better than you could have dreamt. He wants to make it special for you, for his special girl. He waits until the right time and until he knows you are ready. He has planned a lavish date for the two of you, a beautiful private dinner tucked away in a forest, illuminated with what seemed like a million candles and dazzling lights. A private chef had cooked for you and left, leaving the two of you in each others’ company.
• Every night with him is special, but this night is different
• He is incredibly gentle with you all night, whispering how beautiful you look and taking your hand ever so gently into his.
• He makes sure to repeat to you how lucky he feels to be in this moment with you and how lucky he is to have you
• He looks so beautiful in the candle light, stars in his eyes that are focused on your own. Occasionally they peer down to your lips, but then slowly move back up to look into the deepest parts of you.
• After dinner, he swiftly peppers you with kisses and holds your waist with one hand, the other hand intertwining with your own. He leads you to the car and drives home, taking his time to make sure his girl makes it there safe.
• When inside, he continued the beautiful candle theme, now with flower petals and another new bouquet. He kisses along your neck until you sigh deeply and give in under the weight of his chest
• He gently sits you down on the bed while maintaining a deep kiss, cupping underneath your chin so gently that you thought he was scared to break you
• His tongue slipped into your parted lips, and something gutteral suddenly came out of him at the feeling of being inside of you in some capacity
• His grip on your chin started to become tighter, moving down to your neck. He couldn’t separate his lips from you for fear that you’d fall away from him entirely. He hung on to you for dear life. Hungrily tugging at your bottom lip, he tried to pull you as far into him as he could without physically devouring you.
• He started to get so worked up that he couldn’t bare it anymore. He needed more of you. He needed to feel you and to transcend you. His girl, and only his girl. He needed to make you HIS.
• His hands started moving down your body, grabbing firmly as if he wasn’t sure you were really there. Your shoulders, your collarbones, your chest. God, he couldn’t believe the way that you felt underneath him.
• “Can I?” He broke away from the kiss to ask you this much. He couldn’t bare the thought of you saying no, but he would never jeopardize this love he had for you. Love… Adoration… Wonder... Obsession…
• When you breathily panted out a “yes”, he made quick but gentle work to lift your dress from the bottom of your pelvis, all the way lifting it up over your head and off. So gently, so so gently so that he didn’t mess up a single hair on your beautiful little head.
• The way you looked under the candle light took his breath away. The curves of your body left him in awe. So unlike his hard, squared, and rigid frame. You were soft, you had shapes along the lines of you, and you were fucking beautiful, he thought. He could not believe you were really for him.
• He looked down to your breasts, then back up at you, again asking for permission with his eyes. With an approving nod, he reached out to hold one in each hand. Rubbing back and forth across your nipples over the protection of your thin bra. He just kept watching you, starved to know what reactions you would give him.
• He trailed one hand down until he was positioned right over your underwear.
• Looking into your eyes, searching for any kind of resistance in them, he slightly parted his lips and licked them, moaning ever so slightly while pressing his hand with a light pressure into the fabric of your underwear. You felt him almost pull back a bit, looking a bit dazed and slightly overwhelmed, so you pushed into him yourself.
• Staring at you from above, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His perfect girl, feeling perfect, because of him. He applied more pressure and watched as you started to grind against his hand. He let out a moan and felt his dick twitch just hearing your breathing start to quicken.
• He didn’t want to push his luck, but he also knew that he could do better. He could make you feel so so much better. Slowly, he put his other hand on your stomach to slow you from grinding down on him. His other hand made its way underneath your underwear and started to ever so slightly drag his fingers along the outside of you. Feeling how wet you were made him stop and want to fucking scream. To cry. He could barely understand the emotions he was feeling. He just knew that he couldn’t stop loving you if he tried. Now, he wanted to worship you.
• He inserted 1 finger slowly, letting you adjust. When your face started to relax and look like one of pleasure, his dick became rock hard. He needed more of you so badly.
• Once he knew you were comfortable, he added another finger and watched your face. He watched the way that it curled up and how your mouth dropped open. He noted the way that your eyes squeezed shut and how you sounded when you breathed out so close to his neck.
• He began to pump his fingers into you, slowly until he knew you felt good, and then picking up ever so slightly. He curled his fingers up slightly and waited for your reaction.
• Fuck, did he get a reaction. When he heard you whine his name, it echoed in his head over and over again. “Chan. Chan. Chan.” He has never loved hearing his own name more than in this moment. His perfect girl. He couldn’t control himself anymore.
• He started to slam his fingers into you and leaned down to take in the entirety of your mouth. He thrust his tongue inside, and sucked on every inch of your lips he could get ahold of. He didn’t care if it was too rough. He didn’t care about anything anymore other than marking you forever as his own. Marking you as a part of his soul, and him a part of yours. After tonight, you would be inexplicably joined forever, living as one. You wouldn’t have to be his obsession anymore if you lived in him. He would simply always have you.
• He pulled from the kiss abruptly and stared at your face. He memorized how beautiful you looked with your eyes rolling into the back of your head. Almost like you were possessed by him, he thought. And that is all that he wanted. He would possess every part of you. He began to stare at you, dauntingly. “Look at me,” he ordered sternly, until your head slowly came upward to hold his eye contact. There was something different in his eyes. Like he was hungry.
• “I’m going to count to 10, and I want you to come for me.” He didn’t ask for permission. He said it so matter-of-factly he could have been telling you his name. Something must have switched in him directly after though, following up with a low “Okay princess?”
• Surprised at his own switch, he couldn’t believe how you did that to him. How you activated so many different parts of his brain at the same time. How every inch of you controlled what little brain capacity he had left. His soul almost left his body when he heard you gather your small voice enough to say, “Yes, my love.”
• “10,” he said, almost sheepishly, as if waiting to see what your reaction would be. Pumping his fingers now even harder into you, you let out a small moan. It agged him on.
• “9,” he came in close to your ear, starting to lick and suck ever so slightly around the outside. Anything gentle about him had left his body.
• “8,” he dipped his tongue inside your ear, licking away in slow, tiny motions. He felt like he was savoring every second he could have with you. You felt too good underneath him to not tease you a little bit.
• “7,” he moved to the area between your ear and jaw. He bit and sucked at it. He sucked so hard you thought he would rip into you. Somehow he didn’t,
• “6,” he dipped down now to your neck, licking all the way as he went. Intermittent kisses and licks peppered down until he had found his target. The sweet spot right where your neck ended to meet your collar bone.
• “5” he bit down. The look on your face of pain with excruciating pleasure was all he needed to see.
• “4… almost there my sweet girl,” he breathed out against the new-forming bruise at the base of your neck. His fingers started to slam into you and angle in just the right spot. As he heard you mumble “fuck” under your breath, he pulled his face up to be right in front of yours. He wanted to see you when you came for him. He wanted to see you when you gave yourself fully to him.
• “3” he wandered his other hand down to rub small circles around your clit. Light enough to make you jump and writhe under his touch. He loved to watch you squirm like that. He loved the control he had over you. When he heard you mouth his name again, he started slamming into you relentlessly with his fingers. ‘Say it again, say it again, know whose you are,’ he thought to himself. “Hmmm?” He teased. “Fuuuuck Chris,” you cried out to him. This was it. He was going to fucking take you.
• “2… I want you to fucking take it baby... Take it for me. You can do it.” He continued to slam into you, fingers still making light circles on your clit. He had never seen a face in such ecstasy. He brought his face down until his forehead was touching your own. Nose to nose. He looked into your eyes like it was the first time he’d ever seen love. Real love. Real passion. He was sure that this was the first time had seen love. But even more, this was the first time he had ever known love. Love and y/n were synonymous to him now. He was never going to live without you again, not after this moment. He craved you and he needed you. He was going to make sure that he had you for the rest of eternity.
• “You’re mine,” he whispered against your mouth, and then bit down heavy onto your bottom lip, moaning into you. Heavy, like he was going to devour you until there was nothing left. Like you were the most delicious thing he had ever taken a bite of. And he planned to consume all of you, down to the soul. His bites were unrelenting, like he was starving for you this whole time. You couldn’t tell if there was blood. Shit, you couldn’t tell if there was anything even left, but you didn’t care. And he didn’t care. You were his. He suddenly pulled his head away and stared down into you. All of a sudden, you felt known. His fingers went faster on your clit until you couldn’t take it anymore.
• “1. Right fucking now. Let me see my perfect girl come for me.” He raised his voice. He watched you transcend. Jolts of lightning were rushing through your body. You felt all of your limbs twitch and then fall out, lifeless, like your soul really was gone. Chris took it. He took all of you and he was leaving nothing. He continued to pound his fingers into you until you had nothing left. You screamed, you cried, you cursed. You couldn’t stop. Wave after wave, it hit you until you were shaking uncontrollably. You tried to close your legs, to stop the overstimulation, but Chris held them open. He wasn’t leaving until there was nothing left of you. He felt too good and he was too good. You started to sob. You couldn’t hold it back. Tears streamed down as you held out for one last orgasm. “Chris please, Chris PLEASE,” you pleaded, tears coming out. “I- fuck-“ you felt another bolt of tingles shoot down your leg. “I’m almost done. Please… please, last time,” you could barely get your words out.
• It turned Chan on so badly. Seeing how gone you were for him. Seeing how much of yourself you had given to him. His baby. His girl. His immortal soul. Crying to him out of desperation and immeasurable pleasure. He was satisfied. And so with that, he bent down and kissed your forehead, then your tears. “Yes, my love, last time.” He pressed down hard onto your lower abdomen, just enough to give more pressure when he struck his fingers into you at just the right angle. It was absolute perfection, and pure bliss washed over you. One, two, three, four…. five pumps and you’re over.
• He leaned his head back and smiled ear to ear. You had started to convulse uncontrollably, squeezing hard around his fingers. ‘What a view’ he thought, eyes growing larger at the sight of your perfect body giving every last bit to him. You were exhausted. You were worn down. You weren’t even sure you were still in the world. But that was okay to Chan, he knew he now had you tied to his soul forever. It didn’t matter where you thought you were, because now, he would always be with you.
• Coming down from your high, you had tears still coming out of your eyes from the overwhelming emotion of it all. Your mouth was dry, heaving heavily to try and catch your breath. Your mind was trying to collect itself, slowly opening one eye at a time.
• Chan pulled his fingers out slowly, so as to make sure he didn’t hurt you. Once you came to, he gently grabbed behind you and sat you up. He laid your head forward onto his chest so that you could continue to collect yourself, wipe your tears, and get your breathing back to normal. He pulled your head close to his heart. You could hear it beating slow and steady. He then pulled you back ever so slightly and cupped your face. When he saw you with tears still in your eyes, he wiped them away with his thumbs.
• “Oh my sweet baby,” he whispered and brought his forehead to yours. You could see a tear starting to form in his eye. Then another. Then another. Chris was crying.
• “My sweet, sweet girl,” he repeated, whispering and trying to soothe you. He held onto your face even tighter. “You are so perfect for me, you know that? You did so perfect.”
• You nodded your head lightly, tiny tears still forming in your inner eye from looking at your tear-stained boyfriend. “I’m so in love with you, Channie,” you whispered, now cupping his face too. You planted a kiss on his nose. He grinned at your from underneath his eyelashes.
• “I’m so in love with you too.”
• “So, I’m yours now huh?” You laughed, wiping away your own tears.
• “You’re mine,” Chris said, leaning forward now and smiling into the side of your neck. He laid you back down onto your back as gently as he’s picked you up. “And I’m yours,” he said, now towering over top of you.
• He moved his body to rest between your legs. He planted gentle, soft kisses along your entire body. Any place he bit, bruised, or marked was now being pasted over by the whisper of his calm kiss. Starting from your neck, all the way down until he was face to face with the area he had just used to control you. He planted one last, gentle, sweet, loving kiss and raised back up.
• “You’re mine, and I’m yours,” he said, moving his body on top of you, trapping you in a cage of his limbs. He kissed your lips gently, so as not to hurt any bruises he may have given you. To him, you were the most delicate thing in the world. And you were his. He wanted to be fully yours too. He wanted to be etched into your soul, never to be removed. The thought of living this life eternally tied to you made his heart swell. It made his dick swell too. ‘Oh shit’ he thought. He had gotten so caught up in the moment that he wouldn’t dare ask you to do anything for him. But you felt the twitch. You knew better. You were exhausted, and he knew that. But in that moment, you didn’t care. You wanted to complete the perfect night.”
• “Baby?” You looked up at him.
• “Yes love?” He looked at you with all of the love in the world. He would bend over backwards just to hear you speak his name. Whatever question you had, the answer was undoubtedly, unequivocally yes.
• “I gave my all to you. It’s only fair that you give your all to me. I need you to show me how much you love me. Let’s commemorate the night.”
• He sat and stared at you for a long moment. ‘Let’s commemorate the night.’ You were right, he would give everything to you too. And then you would be one. Forever. His girl forever. Her man forever. He felt his soul latch on. You’re his. Venus in Scorpio.
Link: Venus in Scorpio: Part 2 - "The Night He Took You"
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drdemonprince · 15 days
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this will sound like one of those "let men be masculine" level niche internet community brained posts, but i honestly really was embarrassed of how much i like drag for a while. in the circles that i run in, liking drag too much is seen as pretty cringey and for wealthy cis gays. like everybody knows a few cool avante garde local performers that they fuck with who run queer dance parties that are inclusive and the like, but very few people that i know will just go to a drag show at an entertainment or social engagement for their own sake. it's almost seen as a tourist thing, a normie gay thing.
but its one of the few spaces where i can actually recognize a lot of feminine men and nonbinary man-thing-girly-freaks like of the particular type that i am. leather bars are so masc and buff and im often invisible. bear bars are really nice and i do feel welcome there! but people are only feminine in their mannerisms, not presentation very often. the more explicitly gender inclusive trans/queer spaces cater to more of a wlw and adjacent crowd whose relationships to masculinity and femininity are different from mine. circuit gay bars are obviously terrible.
drag is nice. there's guys with weird little haircuts and long earrings who aren't buff and are swishy and dress interestingly but are a little uncomfortable as their regular selves and have to don alternate personas in order to be outgoing. and i even like that it's okay to be bitchy and insulting sometimes in drag world, like sometimes that is just your genuine feedback on the work someone has done and it's not the end of the world. there's lot of open conflict in the drag world that actually works out pretty alright.
it's a local nightlife scene like all the rest, its got its theater kid bullshit and egos and superficiality out the ass and so many people are trying to be famous or make money, but even to this day i forget that i can just be a really weird feminine guy until i'm around some of them and watching them prance about. i worry about how i look or am being read and then even just watching a fucking drag race episode i'll see like 9 different guys who are so fucking androgynous with their weird assymetrical self cut haircuts that they pass less than i do and they're cis men. they have bodies or faces like i do. and in the local scene it's obviously even better because you're looking at real life people. maybe i should be over it by now but im not, i need to see weird little awkward feminine guys with funny outfits playing dress up and crying and fighting with one another because they never got over their last picked in gym class baggage. its meeee i relateee. i even like that its a little toxic! we've got some issues out here, let's joke with them and make a character of them instead of pretending to be nice!!
i tend to be pretty skeptical of "representation matters!" type shit but part of that is probably because i never really feel represented. i know, boo hoo, thin white man doesnt feel depicted on screen, sounds very silly. but then i see kade gottmik on drag race and i swell with emotion and suddenly feel like who i am is POSSIBLE in this world and i realize that even with all my privileges i am starved for representation and that it does benefit you to have it. theres trans guys on screen but thats not close enough to ping that ooh!!! ahh!!! i can love myself!! radar for me. it has to be a very particular kinda person. matt bernstein makes me feel similarly
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yesimwriting · 7 months
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Hi there!
If you accept requests, could you write a Halloween themed fic about y/n, Billy and Stu?
Like them going out to choose their costumes and decorating Stu’s house for a party, stuff like that
Hope you are doing well! Thank you very much ☺️
A/n omg i loveee holiday fics and halloween <3
----
You're staring down an aisle of plastic faces etched into neon bases. The differences between them are superficial, just a variety of colors and two or three alternainge expressions. Nothing distinct enough to warrant this level of analysis and yet...
You decide on one from the top shelf. Orange with simple triangle eyes and a double toothed smile. A classic.
You place your chosen plastic pumpkin into the cart that's slowly but surely being filled up by Halloween decor that's only somewhat cheesy. Okay, to be fair, the contents of your pile range in their levels of cheesiness...but still, mostly non-cheesy and perfectly fitting for a classic Halloween, high school rager.
"Really?"
There's nothing about Billy's voice that's worth getting. No soft lilt to indicate teasing or harshness to imply actual judgement. It's the factualness of the statement that leaves you doubting your choice, even though nothing about this is that deep. "What?"
Billy lets out a partial sigh, irritated by the way that fondness pinches his chest. There's something soft about your question, like his opinion on your choice of decorations could actually crush you. It soothes that part of him that's always searching for a reason to believe that those around him are flighty. "You just--you spent so much time looking and then you picked the orange one."
Shrugging, you place a hand on the side of the cart. "I was deciding."
"You picked the poster child of pumpkins." A pointless stance for a pointless argument. You beam at him and Billy starts to feel a little less ridiculous for entertaining this.
Still smiling, you start, "Pumpkins have poster children?"
"Hey, sweetheart." Stu appears halfway down the aisle.
You blink, instinctually squeezing the side of the cart tighter in your shock. For someone so larger than life, Stu can move quietly when he wants to. "Stu." Carefully, and only somewhat halfheartedly, you try to shrug him off. "Did you at least find the cups?"
Stu lifts his free arm, showing you the plastic covered set of solo cups. "You give me a job, babe, I get it done."
Billy rolls his eyes, "Since when?"
Stu scoffs, fingers pressing into your upper arm a little more firmly. "Since Y/n asked." His hand shifts up and down your arm. "Maybe if you looked like her, I'd listen to you."
There's nothing inherently wrong with the gesture, but there's an undertone of stiffness in his touch. That paired with the way Stu's attention remains on Billy makes you feel a little more like a prop than equal participant in the conversation. Deciding to shake off the feeling, you poke Stu's side.
"Ouch." A sound that's forced out much too harshly. Stu retracts immediately, like he's in agony. "What? I was complimenting you."
You roll your eyes. "I barely touched you."
"I'm wounded." He makes a show of clutching his side. "Kiss it better?"
Billy sighs, shifting his attention towards you, "We can't take him anywhere."
You nod understandingly, "We really can't."
Stu scoffs, offended, "Fuck you guys."
"We're kidding." Your concession comes quicker than usual, but you really don' mind giving in to keep the peace right now.
Today has been fun in that simple way that people forget about around middle school. Stu had called last night and mentioned something about wanting to up his party game for Halloween and a few things about decorations. He insisted that he couldn't go with just Billy because Billy has the decorative taste of someone that's color blind. Even though that's the strangest insult you've ever heard, it made you laugh and you agreed to tag along to cancel out any potential color vision deficiency.
They picked you up the next morning, swinging by your usual coffee place before stopping by a grocery store and then finally, the Halloween pop up store.
"You can't be mad," you mumble, "I need your held defending my pumpkin." Stu blinks, a little too surprised and confused to know how he wants to react. You gesture towards the cart as if that should answer everything. "Billy called it basic."
"I said you spent a long time looking at different pumpkins just to pick the orange one."
Stu turns his head, giving you a look that makes it clear that he has no idea how you've been putting up with this. "It's a classic."
"Thank you."
Billy's eyebrows pinch together. He's aware that there are few things you could say that Stu would publicly disagree with, but there's nothing to oppose. "I didn't--" He sighs again, giving in, "You should get a friend."
You tilt your head slightly in a way that's hard to read. "I'm not eight." Even though your tone leans towards argumentative, you walk towards the shelf and grab another orange pumpkin. This one's eyes are ovals, not triangles, and its dark smile is more lopsided and smaller. A variant that sticks close to the source material. "Two does look better, though."
With the pumpkin debacle settled, Billy begins to push the cart forward. You and Stu remain about two steps ahead of it, pointing out different decorations from time to time, most of them unserious suggestions.
"What do I have to do to get you in this?"
That sentence, coming from Stu, is enough to make you scared to turn around. The only reason you eventually do is because you can't justify staring at the wall that's stocked with costume add ons--fangs of both the glow in the dark and regular variety, cellophane wings, horn and halo headbands. You're also painfully aware of the fact that the more you resist and fluster, the more Stu will commit to his bit.
So you force yourself to remain casual as you look behind you. He's holding up a prepackaged angel costume that makes you feel like you're offending some religion by just looking at it. A corset top, small, frilly skirt, and white fishnets. It's not so much that makes the costume feel like something that belongs on stage at a failing Vegas show, it's the material and the styling.
"Uh..." In a way, you're glad that he decided to make the joke about something so blatantly not an option, because there's no way he's serious. It makes joking back easier, a little safer. "...Have a roll of one's ready?"
He doesn't miss a beat, "Deal."
Now that sounded a lot more genuine. You blink, struggling to hold your ground. Instinctually, your attention flits towards Billy.
"You should've known what he'd do with a stripper joke."
It's only a partial out, but you appreciate it greatly, "I have no one to blame but myself."
Stu scoffs. "I'm not that predictable."
You and Billy exchange a look. Stu pouts, turning enough to hang the plastic packaging back on its metal hook.
Instead of reminding him that if anyone should be offended about that last joke it should be you, you decide to shift focus. Your attention falls on the consistently growing contents of the cart. It might be a little much, but Stu's house is large. You'd need this many things to make the whole space feel decorated.
"You think we're good or are we missing something?"
Billy tilts his head downwards, taking an unofficial inventory of the cart's contents. It's more for your sake than actual interest. "You didn't get the lights. The twinkly ones."
There's something about hearing Billy say the word twinkly that's more entertaining than it should be. You smile despite yourself. "Say twinkly again."
He glowers, "No."
Billy starts pushing the cart, nearly running over your toes. You bounce back quickly, holding onto the side of the cart like a little kid as you follow him forward. "Why not?"
"The way you asked."
Rude. "He's no fun."
Stu turns his head just enough to look back at the two of you, "Billy?" His hand latches onto the front of the cart. Now, all three of you are clinging to the shopping cart like pre-schoolers that use those plastic rings to stick together. "He's moody."
The comment is meant to dig at you. "I didn't say that."
You'd never say that. If anything, oversimplifying Billy like that is one of your pet peeves. He likes to come off as a little closed off, but it's not such a basic teenage boy thing on him. You've never said anything explaining your defensiveness...you don't even think you'd be able to put it into words, but with Billy, any pretext of angst feels like a type of shield.
"He's just above entertaining me now."
Billy's eyebrows draw together sharply. "Now?"
Reaching the end of the aisle, Billy starts to turn the cart. It's a little awkward to make it around the corner without anyone releasing the cart, but you manage. "We all have to out grow our friends at some point."
"Mhm," he hums dryly, "Especially the dramatic ones."
Eyes widening, you turn on your heels to glare at him. He keeps his head angled downwards, a few strands of hair falling forward to hide the brunt of his reaction. That doesn't stop you from seeing part of his smug smile. If Billy's casualness wasn't always welcomed, you'd likely be a little more annoyed.
"The you that corrected the barista that misheard my coffee order before I could would have never spoken to me like that."
"That was this morning."
You shrug off his response, deciding that a comment about simpler times would over extend the bit. You're in the right aisle now, anyway, shelves full of decorations that require hooks or nails or something else to keep them attached to the wall.
Stu wanders away from the cart, picking up a cardboard box that displays a picture of purple lightbulbs strung up on a suburban house. "These?"
You shake your head. "Too bright, I think they're meant for outside." Stepping towards the shelves, you pick up a rolled up cord of smaller, darker purple lights and another set of boxed lights. "You need... mood lighting."
The cord for the boxed ones are way too long for a living room or kitchen and the bulbs seem way too bright and project a harsh, unflattering orange in their picture. The label on the other set says that they alternate between dark blue and purple and the bulbs are shaped like stars. Definitely a winner.
You look up, ready to say as much, but the words cram their way back down your throat before you can. Stu's closer than you realized, a lot closer than you ever expected him to be.
"Mood lighting?" You know that dropping your head and backing away would only make this worse. Stu likes to know when he's getting something. "What's the exact mood?"
He's grasping at straws in an attempt to fluster you. While mood lighting may hint at something suggestive, it's obvious that you meant the kind of chill, dim lighting that makes people comfortable yet energized. Party lighting. You should say that, laugh off his proximity and his energy. But for whatever reason, you can't quite think.
You press your lips together. "Exact mood," you repeat, still a little unsure, "I had more of a general mood idea."
Stu takes a partial step forward before extending his hand. He takes the wound cord, gently pulling it from your fingers. Slowly, he undoes the thick twist tie holding the cord together. You watch, more curious than you'd like to admit as he unravels it. With no warning, Stu pulls the string of lights over your shoulders.
He takes his time adjusting the string of lights over your shoulders. "I get what you mean."
Warmth you don't get crawls up your neck. It has to be about looking weird in a secluded, but still public, aisle. You tilt your head, trying to ignore that feeling you can't name. "You're tangling them."
"They're fine," he dismisses easily, twisting a part of the cord between his fingers. "We'll get Billy to untangle them later."
You laugh at that. Stu frees you from the confines of the string lights. Billy throws a look at Stu as he halfheartedly rolls up the lights before dropping them in the cart.
"So I'm un-fun and the light de-tangler."
You walk towards him before Billy can fully start pushing the cart again. "I take it back." You reach forward and squeeze his forearm without thinking twice about it. "You're fun." Billy briefly stiffens, gaze trained on what's directly in front of him. "Sometimes."
Billy hates the wave of fondness that that's trying to crawl its way out of his chest. "Like when I'm untangling string lights?" It's meant to be sarcastic in that biting, casually detached way.
If the shift in tone bugs you, you give no indication of it as you smile at him. "And some other times."
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raythekiller · 1 year
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Hihi! May I request headcanons for EJ, Jeff, and Toby describing their relationships with others creeps? Who theyre closest, who they dislike the most etc. Thank you!
🗒 ❛ Relationship With Other Creeps HC ༉‧₊˚✧
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Featuring: Jeff The Killer, Ticci Toby, Eyeless Jack
#Notes: I tapped a little bit into their relationships on my last post but here's a little more in-depth about it. also i only mentioned Sally in EJ's part but I like to think everyone has a soft spot for her <3
˗ˏˋ back to navigation ´ˎ˗
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꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Jeff The Killer
It's a little hard for this motherfucker to get along with anyone for... Obvious reasons. Most people in the manor can't stand him and the feeling's mutual, but he gets along fine with Ben and Toby. Mostly Ben, he actually bullies Toby a bit because he thinks he's weird, but Ben befriended him and now they're a trio.
He especially doesn't like Nina and Jane (obviously). Other than that, he likes to bother EJ whenever he gets the chance just to try to get him pissed off for once (which never works and he gets punished by Slenderman).
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꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Ticci Toby
Again, gets along with mainly Jeff and Ben, though he's slightly icky about Jeff. It's more the type of superficial friendship where you mess around together but don't actually trust each other with secrets and stuff. He does trust and vents to Ben quite often, though. He has the opposite kind of friendship with Hoodie, where Hoodie helps him with his issues all the time but they don't really hang out much. Cool uncle situation going on. He also hangs out with Nina quite often.
He basically only doesn't get along with Masky, and trust me, he tried to. Masky just treats him badly because of jealousy and there's not much he can do to make the situation better, and eventually he started disliking him just as much.
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꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Eyeless Jack
He's extremely quiet and introverted, so he doesn't really interact much to have many relationships around the manor, good or bad. He does hang out with Jane quite a lot (normally having some debate or reading books like the two nerds they are) and he adores Sally. Definitely lets her dress him up as a princess when they have tea parties. Most people actually like him since he cooks some amazing stuff for everyone, but they don't really know him on a personal level.
He doesn't like Jeff for constantly bothering him and pretends he doesn't like Toby and Ben as well since they're kind of a package deal, but he actually doesn't mind the other two when Jeff isn't around to rile them up and they're just acting normal. He actually wishes he could befriend Toby, since he thinks he's a good kid, but doesn't want to seem weird about it.
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yellowhollyhock · 2 months
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Rise Future Leo is so important to me
I just. It's just.
Like on the first watch through it sticks out a lot how much he's changed. But the thing is the thing is
"Hope is a ninja's greatest weapon" and then young Leo being like "ooh new catchphrase" like I know it's a time travel joke but listen. He lost everything. His entire family, his entire city, literally even parts of his body, and ultimately his entire timeline. Do you know how much grief can change a person fundamentally? Do you realize how hard it is to hang onto the little things that used to make you happy? Sometimes you just have to find new little things, and let go of who you used to be. Sometimes that's better.
But the fact that after every one of these losses, for all the things he let go of, Leo held onto his one-liners and catchphrases--I can't I can't he's so. Like the strength that takes? The deliberate choice that had to be? And the way he's using it more maturely to lift others up instead of to mask his insecurities, but also the way it's both and has always been both. GAH
And it's just it's just like. It really emphasizes the strengths that Leo had in the show all along, because. At first when I first watched the movie, I felt like they kinda nerfed his character? Why is he acting all irresponsible, sure he presents that way but rise Leo usually is actually pretty careful and aware of himself. Like especially his family's safety. But then it makes so much sense because he's just been given all this responsibility and he's trying to figure out how to deal with that.
And it's the moments. It's. When he says something or looks at someone and infuses that hope into them, like he's literally handing them a weapon. It happens in the show too (Donnie in the basketball episode comes to mind, and of course the classic "where are my brothers"), but the movie really builds to focus on those moments. And that's so very at the core of what makes a character Leonardo. It's that reservoir of inner strength that he learns how to share.
That ability to hang onto hope when it doesn't make any sense, and then persuade others to feel it. 87's corniness and charging into all kinds of dangerous situations, 03's sappy speeches and dangerous level of trust in everyone ever, the way 12 grows from pushing and demanding to encouraging and believing. Even 07 Leo, the Worst from what we saw of him--it's the changes in Donnie and Mikey when they see him again that make me believe that guy is in there. He's been the one putting hope in their hands when they couldn't find it anywhere else and that's why they felt so betrayed and abandoned. Splinter literally says to Donnie "if you cannot learn to recognize [where your brothers are weak and how to be strong for them], all hope is lost for our family." Honestly I think Raph is the only one, including April and Casey, who actually did keep that weapon in his hand after Leo left. He's the one who still believes he can save the city, ya know? And maybe also never really gave up on Leo coming back, which is why he also couldn't let go of the anger that it took so long.
It's like this okay: hope is a sword, love is a shield. It's Leo and Raph. Hope and Love bro ❤️🩵
And the Rise turtles brought this into focus because of how they flipped around some of their superficial traits.
I don't know you guys the fact that 'you are not alone' became Raph's big moment and 'hope is a ninja's greatest weapon' became Leo's just makes me insane a little bit. I don't think my brain was designed for this many emotions.
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about-faces · 1 month
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I'm still loving Gotham Nocturne and I wish it was getting the love/respect/attention is deserves. I've spoken several people who haven't been reading the current Detective Comics run because they're Batmanned Out (good lord, do I get it) and they see it as just another attempt at some kind of "ultimate Batman story with Batman fighting the ultimate evil," which I strongly disagree with.
THAT SAID... as time has gone on, and the story seems to be reaching its finale, there are a few things that stand out of me as problems with this epic storyline.
1.) It's one of the most egregious examples of "writing for the trade paperback." This simply isn't a story that's meant to be read month-to-month. It's too slow, with too little "happening," at least on the superficial level. Paradoxically, it's NOT a story that should be binged! The best comparison that comes to mind is Better Call Saul, since that's the only other example of serialized media that's meticulously slow-paced yet INCREDIBLY RICH for those willing to engage with it on its level rather than expecting it to be Breaking Bad (or in Nocturne's case, a typical Batman story.) Ram V is capable of writing super-engaging monthly issues, as the fantastic Rare Flavours proves, but that brings us to...
2.) The story is sprawling. Maybe even TOO sprawling. When it comes to people who are sick of Batman, I try to sell them on the fact that this story is about GOTHAM AS A WHOLE, right down to the villains who call it home, and how everyone there is as intrinsically a part of Gotham as Batman is. But ensemble stories like that are tricky, and it makes the focus feel all over the place at times, with alternately too much and too little attention being paid to the main players, Batman included. It's a balance that was handled beautifully with Batman: The Audio Adventures, but it seems a bit more awkward here. Again, it's hard to pull off!
Like, we have characters pop up and then vanishing without explanation. We got Azrael back in the AzBats armor for the first time in decades, like, holy shit! That should be a HUGE development! And then, poof, he vanished! There's simply no time to explore Jean-Paul's character because there's so many other things the narrative needs to explore.
This feels like it would have really benefited from a companion series, something to focus on the characters the way the backup stories have done, but just more so. I think about how Peter Tomasi would write companion books to the main big storylines written by Geoff Johns, Grant Morrison, and Scott Snyder, and how he'd focus on character, which always enriched the greater "big important storyline." Which, in turn, also brings me to...
3.) The backup stories have really lost a lot of their punch since they stopped being written by Si Spurrier and were taken over by Dan Watters. Watters is incredibly capable, make no mistake, and his Cheshire/Lian Harper story is one of my favorite parts of this entire saga. But by and large, his tales focus more on the spooky and weird sides of what's happening with Nocturne, whereas Spurrier's stories were more focused on characters navigating the weirdness of the events. As a result, Spurrier gave us what I consider to be some of the very best stories about Jim Gordon, Harvey Dent, and Victor Fries ever written. I really miss those, and how they enriched Ram V's (possibly overly-ambitious) narrative.
Ultimately, Gotham Nocturne feels like the Batman equivalent to an arthouse film, which means it's going to be appreciated by a handful of nerds while leaving most other fans cold, and I can't really blame them. If anything makes me sad about all this, it's how all this incredible character work with Bruce, Harvey, Victor, Talia, and others is going to be ignored. Hell, it already is, given the complete lack of acknowledgement we've seen in other Bat-books for what's going on in Nocturne.
At this point, I just hope it sticks the landing in the finale, because I want to be able to have a complete, satisfying epic to recommend to people who want something a bit richer than the typical "guy in Bat costume punches clown" stories we usually get.
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devotioncrater · 1 year
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no okay i will fucking say it. i don't like dottie lasso. she's manipulative & toxic & passive aggressive & borderline narcissistic.
in every scene, in every line she says? it's all to undermine ted. she doesn't respect ted, doesn't care for him unless it's to boost her ego or to boost her image of Mother. she drags him down to make herself feel Tall, or at the very least she drags him down to justify the way she feels Small. "you think you're better than me? remember your roots" type beat.
ted's on edge the moment she gets there. is it any wonder why? he has to walk on eggshells with her because she leaves him guessing and whatever he guesses will always be wrong. for instance, ted picking up her suitcase yet she waits until the last minute to say "not on the bed!" right before ted lets go of the handle.
she says one thing but means another ("wish i went to the game"). she guilt trips him ("ooh is it all my fault?"). she makes shit up about him to humiliate him to his team (the story about him with the car/bruce springsteen/etc). she purposefully does the opposite of what he asks (mae in the pub). she has these passive aggressive slights disguised as care (the newspaper clippings on top which she 100% planned, the way she asks if he has any of his episodes still but hates the fact he's in therapy).
it's insidious too, the way she charms the team. the way she charms rebecca and trent. everyone loves her, how could they understand why ted's upset with her? not lottie dottie! she'd never hurt a soul. she seems like such a good mom. ted, you're just like her!
she's actively taking advantage of ted's good standing in a covert way to paint ted in a light he doesn't want to be associated with. he could shout about practice all he wants, but while his mother is the center of attention, does anyone actually listen?
then when ted confronts her? he tries to meet her at a neutral level. "thank you but fuck you". but what does she immediately do? she drags him down to her insecure lows by more or less calling him a hypocrite. the entire time she's there not once does she bring up henry unless it's convenient for her to. henry is the only leverage she has towards ted, and she knows it. she catches ted in a vulnerable state and takes advantage of it. "your son misses you".
she does not give a fuck about her son! she doesn't! she went to the club to poison the water, she has no interest in actually supporting ted or the team. and then! and then! in a show of narcissistic manipulation, she blames that on ted! "you always get so nervous" and "i need to catch up on sleep". ma'am you haven't seen your son in 3 years at least and you don't want to spend time with him??? and then to compensate for it by cooking a meal? fuck off, it's so superficial.
but that's what these types of mothers do. for every stab wound there's a bandaid to cover it. you can't be mad at the knife-wielder if they're also the medic. "they must've not meant it since they're doing xyz for me".
they'll say "sorry" and the argument fizzles out exactly how it happened at the end there because technically you can't say anything else! they apologized, didn't they? let's not hold grudges now. look! see! she complimented your therapy even though she hates it. that's progress right? yeah there's no deep heart-to-heart, no actual repair there, but maybe one day, right? right?
for her to leave a note without saying goodbye? how could ted be mad at her for doing that if she made his favorite bread? she has him on an emotionally manipulative yo-yo.
and the role reversal? the way she plays helpless at the beginning? again, zero respect for ted by dropping in out of the blue with no prior warning. he's forced into this carer role with her. he's a fixer & a people pleaser because that's how she conditioned him to be on the off chance she'd reward him with (superficial) connection
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prettyrealm · 2 months
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monsta x i.m mini personality reading
this reading is a paid commision, thank you so much for trusting in me! <3 celebrity commissions • personal commissions
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+ positives
a pretty easy going guy, accepting of how life works in general (“it is what it is”, “if it comes let it, if it goes, let it” mentality). he doesn’t try to control things that he can’t and doesn’t fret over it. i.m really seems to appreciate women, he thinks women deserve rights and truly believes they are equal to (and in some cases, better and stronger than) men. for ex, if he was with a woman richer or more famous than him, he would simply be very proud to be with her. he tries to understand the struggles women go through, he’s very understanding of even negative traits displayed by women (he doesn’t expect women to be perfect and understands we go through a lot). i.m is humble in a sense that he doesn’t think he’s better or worse than anyone else - “I’m just a regular human being, the same as anyone”. he is very individualistic and unique. he knows how to appreciate luxury without being materialistic. i.m wants to have a truly strong love and marriage where both parties are really good people to each other - he wants to grow with someone. he isn’t a jealous person - if people around him are smarter, funnier, more charismatic etc. than him, rather than being envious or jealous, he’s just happy to have that sort of energy around him (this is also because his self-confidence is strong enough to know that someone being funnier or smarter than him doesn’t make him unfunny or not smart). i.m tends to have a lot of faith in life and the universe to the point where when bad things happen he just thinks “it wont be like this forever” (so in this sense he has a very positive and optimistic outlook). he’s open-minded and may even try to educate himself on issues that happen in other countries, again a very accepting person (like it’s unlikely for him to be homophobic for example). I think he has a healthy relationship with sex. he is not a lazy person - just because he believe things work out like they’re supposed to doesn’t mean he’s lazy and only going to wait for good things to come to him, he knows he needs to put in effort so he still goes after what he wants. he has a positive view of and healthy relationship to family (it’s likely something he wants, and his appreciation for women likely comes from a good example set by his parents/his own mother or women he grew up around)
- negatives
i.m can be a bit paranoid, untrusting and very distant. he is super closed off - he does not open up easily at all, when he does open up it’s pretty superficial. he can be bad at letting people know what’s going on with him - like he’ll tell you he ended up breaking up his gf, but you didn’t even know he had a gf in the first place (just the vibe of never fully knowing what’s going on with him). due to being so untrusting, he always wants to know way more about other people he meets before he’s willing to open up to them. he may even lie a bit to protect himself due to this (like if he gets the feeling that you’re prying way too much and not understanding that he doesn’t want to open up to you, he will lie to you to get you off his back.) i.m really wants a close relationship, but he fails to realize he can’t expect next level loyalty and devotion from a woman he refuses to even open up to (he struggles to understand equality/give and take in this sense). since he finds it so hard to trust people, he may even reach for red flags and cause arguments over things he’s made up in his head (“do you even really wanna be with me? I can’t tell.”), he will later realize he’s acted out and apologize, but it still kills the vibe and puts the other person unnecessarily on edge (even if he isn’t accusing them of super bad things). he just needs a lot of proof you’ll really be there for him before letting people in. and while he has self confidence, he can be overly confident (not necessarily arrogant), but he can have big and unrealistic goals due to his unwavering faith in the universe, i think it’s likely he even has a problem with actual gambling due to this. he can be a bit irresponsible overall due to his “sky’s the limit” mentality. I think he may also be stuck on a “first love” or “the one that got away” so it’s hard for him to let other women in.
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rodismancave · 2 months
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[ Starter for @for-the-better-and-worse ]
It takes Rodimus very little time to find what he assumes is the hole Prowl enjoys burrowing himself in. A place like this isn't all too hard to find, especially when all you have to do is find the last building you saw him in, and look for the one single hallway people avoid walking through at any given time.
The whole place is desolate. Perhaps a little more now with Starscream in charge. Rodimus has seen people, and he's certainly heard people, but it all feels superficial. Mechs he doesn't know, and won't ever bother getting to know.
In all honesty, Rodimus had been in Cybertron for nearly two days now. He hadn't want to give Prowl that satisfaction, and he would frankly never admit that Megatron and Ultra Magnus did, in fact, let him go without much trouble. He'd say his excuse of 'Urgent call from Cybertron, Prowl won't stop bothering me to help. Says only I can do it,y'know how he is' had been convincing, but he can never tell these days. He could've probably just left without saying anything and Rodimus is sure they'd only notice when they realize the quiet. (and the missing vessel)
When he knocks on the door and there is no answer, Rodimus simply makes himself at home. The door is unlocked (which shocks him to a degree, he'd expect Prowl to be better than this) and the inside is dark and gloomy and ridiculously organized, a feat Rodimus both appreciates as familiar, and is repulsed by due to the simple fact it reminds him of who lives here. Making sure not to leave a trail (Prowl is a detective, but Rodimus is stealth-- he knows not to be obvious when he wants to), Rodimus goes through a few surface level items, checking everything he can, gathering whatever fucked up personal information he can while Prowl is away. He's not trying to find anything to blackmail the mech, he is Prowl, after all, and everyone's got something on him, but he does enjoy going through people's things, reading things he is probably not meant to. Simply taking his time exploring his surroundings.
His (very careful, very methodical) research gives him a single screaming result: Prowl is boring, and he works and works and works, and doesn't even give himself the pleasure of having doodle pads. It's almost sad, really.
Disappointed but not deterred, Rodimus is quick to find a nice, cozy spot to wait Prowl in. (Which happens to be a particularly tight closet. er. He's not picky.) The runaway Captain inspects the door, shrugs, and closes it, trying to wiggle into a comfortable position, and promptly getting the edge of his spoiler stuck in-- God, he doesn't even know what it's gotten stuck in, but it hurts like a motherfucker, and he can't do anything about it now, because the more he struggles the worse it gets wedged in there. Oh, yeah, and he hears someone come in.
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torialefay · 5 months
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🗡️ The Eaten Heart🍷
bangchan x fem!reader (smut) 🔞
〰️summary: chan loves you to death. no, literally, he would die pleasing you. a ritual to unite the two of you tries to keep you both satisfied.
〰️ warnings: intense emotional sex, ritual play, breath play, blood play, lowkey highkey sacrilegious, genuinely just imagine all the warnings possible bc this is literally ur fault now if u read it so don’t blame me 🦇
〰️author’s note: this work definitely contains sacrilegious elements. no disrespect was intended through this writing. please do not continue reading if this offends you.
〰️wc: 6.5k
〰️please god minors DNI!!! 🔞
〰️check out my masterlist if you want to see more!
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“Are you ready, my love?” Chan held out his hand, waiting calmly for you to take ahold of it. The black button up he had been wearing was now rolled up to his elbows. You noticed the tiny outline of a packet resting in the chest pocket.
“Always.” You gently took hold of his hand, as he began to lead you down the corridor and opened the black, heavy vaulted door at the end. Opening it slowly revealed the the narrowed, twisting set of steps that resided inside. No matter how many times you’d seen this view, the daunting beauty of it in all of its darkness, you were always overwhelmed at the sullen energy that was trapped inside.
The usual paleness of Chan’s skin now turned slightly warmer as he took a step inside to be illuminated by the seeping black candles held on the wall sconces. They gave warmth to a tiny path, leading up the dark stairs.
Holding tightly to your grip once more, Chan began to slowly ascend the steps, one level at a time. He paused carefully between each step, making sure that the fabric of the long, pillowy, dark wine-colored chiffon dress you were holding wasn’t hindering you in any way. You each took your time, enjoying the dual thrill and serenity of this moment together. Both knowing full well what you were about to do. The gentle ascension also allowed more time for you to study Chan’s face. The lust in his eyes was almost incomparable. The usually chirp nature of his personality all but gone. These moments with you were taken seriously by him. This was, for both of you, the time that you could fully be with each other- blocked out from the rest of the world and its mundane superficiality. In this world, it was just the two of you.
Greeted now by the last step, Chan used both hands to hold tightly to your arm, making sure that you were secure in the final and largest step in the series. Once you were settled on the steady floor, he took advantage of his grip to lovingly pull you closer, bringing your hand to his chest and resting it over his beating heart. The beats were so strong, so pronounced, that you could feel it rippling through his entire body.
“I want to feel you fully tonight. Okay?” he questioned, leaning his forehead down to touch yours. ‘My beautiful, beautiful girl,’ he thought.
You looked up at him, gently bringing your other hand to cup the side of his face. “Of course, my love. I wouldn’t have you any other way.” You went in for a short, sweet kiss before pulling away. Suddenly, Chan forced your hand down, off of his chest, rotating your arm until you repositioned your body to face forward.
One hand intertwined with his, the other now latching onto his bicep, you followed just behind him as he led you farther into the beautiful, almost ominous room. It was taunting in a way.
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You always got nervous at this point. Nerves, butterflies, what have you. It didn’t matter how many times you’d gone through this with Chan, each ritual brought on new emotions, so overwhelming that you felt totally and completely consumed. ‘That is the point,’ you reminded yourself. ‘And ultimately, there is no better feeling in the world.’
You made a mental note of Chan’s expression- stoic and unwavering. His eyes were set only on the stained-glass window ahead. Much like him, and now much like you, the glass was adorned only in various shades of blacks, greys, and the occasional white. It let in the faintest beams of light, which was the only source of illumination excluding three white candles, not yet lit, sitting to the side of the window sill.
Now seeing Chan with the streaks of moonlight shining down on his face, you had reached the edge of the room. You both stood there for a moment, basking in the beauty shining out in front of you before turning to each other, Chan now taking both of your hands into his.
The love in your eyes while looking at Chan could not be hidden in the room. It sparked his heart up every time he saw the faintest reminder of it. His eyes trailed down to your lips- perfect and bare for him, as you’d known to do by this point. He saw you for your raw nature. For the humanness that you possessed, only a vessel to contain your inescapable soul. It wasn’t as if Chan wanted this, nor that he needed this. You were simply his fate. THIS was simply his fate. You had full control over him and he over you because you were one. Together, you made one full person.
He turned his head toward the window to face the moon in all its solemnity. You were always in his stars. The two bodies were simply one.
‘I can’t believe the luck I’ve been given in this life,’ he thought.
Piercing his eyes into yours, he began. “You are my one true love and my soul eternal. Nothing will ever be a part of me as much as you. Isn’t that right?”
Your head spun into his words, locking in every syllable. “That’s right, my love.”
“And I am your one true love and your soul eternal. Nothing will ever be a part of you as much as me. Is that correct?”
“Of course, my love,” you whispered, getting closer to his mouth. You came tantilizingly close, just lingering over his lips with a slight smirk. You knew what you were doing to him. You felt it every time in the way that his heart started to once again beat out of his chest. You took your hand from his, slowly, working your way onto his sculptured torso. You used two fingers to start walking up toward his chest, smiling at him daringly as you went. ‘I know this is driving you crazy, darling,’ you thought to yourself.
You stopped your fingers just over the spot you could feel his heart beating the strongest. You left them there for a second, lightly scratching the skin residing overtop with the tips of your nails. You contemplated for a moment, then proceeded to lunge your nails slightly into him, scratching down to leave deep red marks.
Chan hissed, leaning his head back. He allowed himself to fully feel the sting of your touch. The things you made him feel were like none other. He felt himself hardening underneath his black pants. Bringing his head back up slowly, he was met with your sensual gaze, smirk mocking him spread across your face. ‘Stop being such a fucking tease,’ he thought to himself, intense desire now building up.
He ran his tongue along his teeth, letting it out with a pop. Smiling down at you now, he leaned closer and whispered, “Then let’s play. Let’s worship.”
He suddenly grabbed the top of your dress and ripped downward, pulling the light chiffon apart as if it were never there to begin with. ‘Just like l wanted,’ he thought as he looked to your fully naked chest with no garments over top. He bent down to the level of the rip, continuing his force onto it. Eye level with your breasts, he bit down hard, getting a soft screech from you.
He smiled, obviously loving the reaction and kept working his way down.
*Rip. A bite into your stomach.
*Rip. A bite into your thigh.
*Rip. A bite into the side of your leg.
*Rip. A bite over the top of your foot.
He quickly took the dark fabric of the dress and threw it onto the alcove under the window. Now bent down onto one knee, he took one of your hands into both of his, kissing the top of it ever so slowly, then fully rotating to place a kiss into your palm. He lingered there more just a moment, pressing your hand onto his face to smell the sweetness of your skin. God how he wanted to consume you.
He kissed up the rest of your arm as he worked his way back up to standing. He slowly walked you back until your knees were resting against the alcove. In a swift motion, he pushed you back into the soft padding of the dress, just quickly enough to make you lose your footing but gently enough to make sure you wouldn’t get hurt and hit the three candles placed along the window.
‘My princess, so fucking beautiful for me,’ he thought, staring down at you. ‘This is all mine. I will have all of you.’ He launched himself down on top of you, throwing one of your legs around his waist as he leaned down to plant a hungry kiss to your mouth. He was straight to the point, biting onto you and swirling his tongue around yours. He began rutting his hips into you, taking full charge. He rubbed them up and down quickly, not giving you time to ease into anything. You could feel yourself growing wetter along the material of his pants. The way he put just the right amount of pressure, focusing it right along your clit, was almost too much to handle so rapidly. His body was so in tuned to yours, it was second nature. He continued to grind, unrelenting until a long moan escaped your mouth.
“Yes baby, that’s right. Keep going for me,” he instructed, unlatching his lips only long enough to get the words out. He was right back on them as quickly as he’d pulled off. As he steadily pushed his hips into you, he forced his tongue down into your throat, almost making you choke. He made deep strokes now, matching up his tongue movements to the thrusts of his hips.
You tried to let out more moans, but they were blocked. The vibrations that Chan felt on his tongue from it sent him into overdrive. He brought his hand up, sloppily pushing it into your face, then using two fingers to push into your mouth and join his tongue in your throat.
You gagged around the pressure. You couldn’t help it. You almost felt yourself suffocating underneath him.
“That’s right, so fucking beautiful for me. I know you can take it,” he spat out, eyes locked onto your every reaction.
You continued to choke while moaning and whining for air. You slowly tried to get deep breaths in and out of your nose, but they were far and few between. The combination of the clit stimulation and the aggressive strokes down your mouth overwhelmed you in the deepest sense of the word. You felt yourself losing oxygen, slowly letting your brain go fuzzy. You let out small tears and started to full-on scream. Muffled screams of course. At first, Chan couldn’t make it out. He reveled in the fact that he had full control over your body. Full control over your life at this point.
“Chris!!!” He felt you vibrate across his fingers. He quickly pulled his tongue and fingers out of your mouth, letting you choke and gasp for air. Tears were still streaming from your eyes, and Chris was sure this was the most beautiful he’d ever seen you.
You couldn’t help but continue to cry as you felt the oxygen rush back into your brain, helping you to finally feel alive again. Tears and tears and tears started flooding off of you.
“You did such a good job, pretty girl,” he cooed into you, still motioning his hips against your clit. “I’m so so proud of you,” he smiled. “But now,” he lifted his face up over top of yours- “Now, I need you to let go and come for me. You can do that for me, can’t you baby?” His eyes locked onto yours. You could barely see his face from the water covering your vision, but you went through with nodding your head as the breaths now came easier.
You focused on the deep strokes he was making on top of you, feeling your clit become engorged from how perfectly he was hitting you. You leaned your head back, mouthing “Fuck” as best as you could. Chan must have liked the reaction, as he pushed himself even harder into you, his thigh now adding more pressure. You were sure you couldn’t contain yourself much longer.
You gazed up to see Chan’s face hanging right over yours, watching intently as your began to writhe underneath him. He loved the power. He loved the thought of controlling the most vulnerable part of you. He looked like he wanted to fucking eat you.
You continued to focus on his face as the warm feeling of release started to come over you. Chan knew it too. He smirked, leaning down again to be closer to your face.
“Is my girl gonna cum for me?” he laughed, grinding as hard as he possibly could.
That was it. It sent you over the edge.
You felt your body start to convulse around you, desperately grappling for a bit of the dress fabric to hold onto while you rode it out. A zap went into your brain, healing any residual loss of oxygen that could have been felt. Chris smiled into your neck, then took both arms to hold your own down. He held your body down with his own, making you continue to take his hips grinding into you.
You were officially overstimulated, not able to fight back under Chan’s body weight. You cried, “Chris, Chris stop. I’m done. I’m done. Holy shit,” you cried, feeling another bolt shoot down your legs. “Ahh! I’m done!” You started panting, trying to catch your breath as quickly as you could as Chan lifted himself off of you slowly. The smile on his face quickly tilted down to press a gentle kiss to your forehead.
“I knew you could do it.” He continued to press kisses along the entirety of your face until your breathing started to normalize. Once you had calmed down. He took your hand in his and planted slow kisses into the side of your neck. He pulled back up to wipe a few leftover tears before smiling down. “Time to offer our bodies, yeah?” he spoke gently.
You nodded with a deep breath out and a look of determination and slight excitement on your face.
Chan raised his body over yours, then leaned down to cup your back and help you raise up. He stepped off of the platform to remove his pants and unbutton his top, grabbing a few small items from the pocket before removing it fully. You watched as he let the clothes hit the floor and leaned over your body to set the items gently behind one of the three candles resting beside you.
He twisted your body around with his arms so he could now sit down, taking the placement you once had. “Ready?”, he asked, reaching up to laze his hand along the back of your neck.
You didn’t bother replying. Slowly, you crawled on top of his lap, running your hands into his hair, settling to rest over each side of his head for stability. Slowly, you lowered yourself onto his hardened cock, making sure to take it inch by inch. His hands slowly trailed from your neck and down your back, until he was holding just above your waist. He breathed heavily as you lowered yourself onto him, letting out a small hiss each time you moved.
Moving his eyes up, he watched your face as you took in more of him. The way you scrunched your eyes at the light but delicious pain of having him inside of you. ‘All fucking mine now,’ he thought, letting his head roll back as you had fully taken him in. He gyrated his hips the slightest bit to feel around inside of you. How tight you were for him and how he filled you up all the way to your cervix.
“Time for worship,” he breathed out.
He smoothly swiped his hands along and off of your body to reach for one of the items hidden behind a candle. A small lighter rested softly in his hand. He made quick work to bring it back in front of you, right between each of your face. He looked into your eyes for permission before lighting it. A small, warm, meaningful flame sparked up as he dragged his thumb across it. He smiled at you lovingly, ready for what was about to begin.
“The body, the blood, and the spirit,” he whispered into the flame. The words moved past the flame to hit your own lips, sending a cool rush into your body.
You moved closer to the glowing burn. You stared first at it, then down to Chan’s lips.
You repeated after him. “The body, the blood, and the spirit.” You looked at each other, silently counting down before taking a deep breath to simultaneously blow out the flame. You smiled into each other, reciprocally grabbing faces for a quick kiss. This one was full of passion- unlike any kiss you’d had before.
Chan suddenly pulled away, carefully guiding the lighter up and away from the both of you. He extended both arms as far as they could reach, stabilizing with one hand and pushing into the lighter with the other.
With that, he lit the first candle:
“The Body”
Returning his attention back to you, he let himself take a moment to memorize the feeling of being inside of you. How wet you were for him and how tense you felt around him. How you contoured yourself perfectly around him, letting him fill you up like a mould.
“This pussy was made for me. Only me,” he breathed out, slipping his hands down to your waist. He started massaging your waist back and forth, slowly at first to warm himself up inside of you. He was gentle, but started picking up speed steadily.
“Come down here, I need to feel you,” he instructed, moving his hands up to your back and pulling your body down on top of his. Sitting now, chest to chest, you wrapped your hands around his neck as you continued to ride him, slowly, back and forth. You kept pulling his body closer as you picked up the pace. Your arms now completely crossed over each other with your face in the crook of his neck.
Chan took the opportunity to relax his head back a little, just enjoying the feeling of you giving into him. He turned his head to the side, planting kisses from the top to the bottom of your neck. You felt yourself gasp once he had gotten to the end.
He bit down. Hard. ‘Fuck,’ you thought. He continued relentlessly biting in. He wouldn’t let you out of his bite. Your first instinct was to start moving faster on top of him, almost ballistically as if to pull away. But he wasn’t having it.
He gripped onto your hips now, pushing and pulling you quickly around him. He didn’t bother with being gentle anymore. He would make sure you had marks on both your neck and hips by the time this was done.
With his teeth sunken in as far are they could go, he swirled his tongue around the fresh-forming bruise. He quickly took a harsh handful of your ass, hauling it backward and forward, backward and forward.
“Chrissss,” you hissed out, not knowing how else to express yourself in this moment. “Fuck,” you let your head roll down. “Chris holy shit.”
He finally pulled off of your neck. “Say my name again,” he gritted.
“Fuckkk, Chris,” was all you could manage to get out, breath getting heavy.
“Louder.” He was violently moving your hips now, adding sloppy thrusts where he was able. He stared into you, looking animalistic.
“Christopher, please!” You breathed out hard now. You weren’t going to be able to take much more of this.
“I SAID LOUDER. FUCKING YELL FOR ME.”
“CHRISTOPHER BANG HOLY SHIT. PLEASE GOD,” you now yelled out as loud as you could. You just needed him to finish you.
He smirked up at you, loving the sight of what he’d done to you. You’d do anything for him and he knew it. Any. Fucking. Thing. He could and would make you do anything he said. And he would do anything for you. This moment is how it was supposed to be forever.
“God?,” he tauntingly laughed. “No baby, I am your god. I am all you will ever fucking need,” he barked out through gritted teeth. One hand had moved up to grab your hair as the other kept slamming your ass into him.
“You will worship me the same that I will worship you.” He was yelling at this point. Suddenly, he laid his body back on the ground, pulling you down with him. Your face now only an inch from his.
He looked deeply into your eyes and grinned. “Now you better pray to me that I don’t destroy you.”
His hand in your hair now pulled all the way back, lifting your head up to the sky. His grip on you didn’t fade, but he stopped pushing you and instead started ramming his cock into you as quickly as he could. He was relentless, pushing deeper with every thrust. You couldn’t even describe the pleasure mixed with the pain.
“Christopher, OH MY GOD. Fuck.. fuck.. FUCK!” you yelled at the sky. A smirk came across his face at the sight of you looking up. Looking like you were praying to him.
‘My good fucking girl,’ he thought. ‘It’s just me and you now.’
He kept thrusting harder and harder, until you thought for sure something inside of you was going to rip. You felt like everything inside of you was being shifted. He was rearranging you from the inside out.
“You’re going to fucking rearrange me, Christopher,” you spat out, about to begin crying again.
“See,” he grabbed your hair even tighter, bringing the first tear out. “I’m making you into my own perfect creation.” He bucked his hips into you three more times, each leaving you feeling breathless and helpless.
Suddenly, he stopped. He dropped his grip on your hair, letting your head fall softly to his chest. You could hear his heart going a million miles an hour. He put his hand over top of yours to feel it doing the same.
As much as you needed the release, you knew neither of you could have it yet. That’s not how this worked. You had to be patient.
As you moved one hand to gently hold the side of his face, he moved his free arm around your back as he sat up again. The moonlight surrounding you showed the sweat along his forehead and hairline, only making him look sexier.
He quietly reached over yet again for the lighter and to grasp onto another candle. He swiftly made a motion over top of it to turn the pure white wick into a newly charing flame. Before turning to face you he grabbed the other item he had previously thrown down. A small silver dagger adorned with beautiful carving into the handle.
There it was, seemingly quicker than the times before. The lighting of the second candle.
“The Blood”
Chan gripped tightly to the knife and gently placed it in your hand, being careful not to let it hurt you. He looked in your eyes as if to wait for your nod of approval. You were always a little scared, yes, but you wanted this more than anything in the world. The feeling was indescribable. To pledge your loyalty to him and him to you.
You firmly grasped the dagger into your hand. Chan felt along your chest, resting his palm over top of where your heart laid. He delicately clasped his other hand on top of yours, leading the knife to the area above your chest. He softly removed his marking hand to expose your skin underneath.
Ever so slowly, he led your hand down, along with the knife until the tip was grazing the top of your skin. He made sure to directly line it up over the top of your heart. Each breath you took made it prod the tiniest bit into you.
“You’re mine, my love,” he held the hand tightly and leaned forward to kiss you forehead. When he pulled back, he looked directly into you and squeezed your hand. A signal to begin.
His had hovered over top of yours as you started to move the knife painstakingly slow, just deep enough so that it would penetrate your skin. As soon as you felt it make the first scratch, you winced a tiny bit at the pain. It was by no means unbearable. Just enough to make you notice the uncomfortability of it all.
Chris stared at your hand, still resting his own gently over top as you moved. Your eyes shut, and you breathed out heavily, focusing all of your effort into your hand. You slowly moved it, little by little, leaving a shallow imprint across the skin. You swooped it down, following a steady curve until it could be brought back up.
Chris smiled, knowing you were done. He took a tighter grip on the knife, pulling it back to reveal your handiwork.
There, now carved into you, a lone letter “C”. A few drops of blood were trickling down.
All Chris could do was grin, leaning his face in to plant a small kiss in the middle of the “C”, making sure not to ruin the tiny bit of blood that had been let out.
He softly grabbed the knife out of your hand and held it with his own. He motioned with his eyes down to his chest, cueing you to find where his heartbeat was strongest. Once you settled your palm against his skin, he extended the dagger slowly for you to grab over top of where his fist was holding it.
You easily took it. Not hard, but barely resting over top.
He put a smirk on his face before bringing the knife down to where your hand lay. You slowly removed it, losing contact with the pulse of the heart beating below. He made quick work to push the knife into his chest, definitely with more power and aggression, deeper than what you had done.
Your instinct was to pull his hand back, but to no avail. He was gripping at the knife too tightly for your touch to do anything.
“This is good, baby,” he assured you.
You nodded, taking a deep breath before stabilizing your hand over his one again. You followed along with the curve of his hand, as you watched him carve your initial into his skin.
He had gone so much deeper, blood was trickling down fast. Not enough to be worried, but enough to silently think he was crazy. Crazy for you.
Once he reached the last stroke of your initial, you went to take your hand off of his. Instead of pulling back, he gently pushed in on the knife a little deeper, almost solidifying the engraving into his chest.
“Stop it Chan!” you screamed, returning your hand to his, to try and slowly back it up. You struggled, but he didn’t give in. He looked you dead in the face. His eyes were black now. It was as if something otherworldly had taken over him.
He didn’t respond, just held the knife in place, using his other hand to reach up and grab your face. He left a few gentle strokes along your cheek before settling into your hair, smirk wide across his face.
“Give me a kiss first,” he whispered.
“No Christopher! You’re too deep! Take it out right now!” you yelled, truly worried. You grasped his hand even tighter, trying to tug on it. To no avail. He was staying there if it was the last thing he did.
By the look on his face, you knew you’d set him off. His nostrils started to flare and he eyed you down. His jaw locked in place so tightly you thought he’d never be able to open it again.
“I want to give you my heart, y/n,” he spoke initially. “I want to give you my fucking heart,” his tone raised, face visibly mad. “I want to fucking rip it out right now for you to have!” he finally started screaming. “It’s yours anyway. It doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to you goddamn it, now fucking take it!” he yelled at you, his hot breath hitting you in the face. He could say what he wanted, but he was in pain. You gave him a few seconds to calm himself.
You leaned down to return to him what he’d done to you prior. You whispered in a low breath “No,” before kissing his forehead. You pulled back to rest your face on the same plane as his, only inches apart. You grasped his hand over top of the knife. “Not today, my love. Today, I need you here with me. And I need you here to be a part of me.” You kissed his cheek.
You could feel his hand relax a little, and you let yours tighten. Going as slowly as possible, he allowed you to remove the dagger, a quarter of a centimeter at a time. You both looked down as it inched out, admiring the perfect initial he had carved. A few areas streamed blood down them, but nothing more than he’d had before. Once the knife was fully out, he gently held it in front of him, covered in blood that ran down the palm of his hand. Your hand still around his felt the tiny trickles of blood onto it too.
He slowly let you direct the knife back to your own skin. You rested it just along your own engravement, making sure to get the small amount of your blood from your chest and onto each side of the knife.
You both looked intently as you guided the knife back to the center and handed it off to Chan. You slid your hand down to grasp onto and stabilize his wrist.
You both sat for a minute, looking at each other like you weren’t sure who should start. Chan leaned in leisurely, bringing his face down to the the level of the knife. He stuck his tongue out to bring it straight down, along the middle of the blade. As he pulled back, he closed his mouth and licked his lips- a shade of red now covering them.
You mirrored his example and gently took a swipe of blood in your mouth. You never really got used to it- the taste of the iron. But knowing that it was now mixed blood, that of you and your soulmate, you cherished every last drop.
Chan placed the dagger back behind the candle before leaning in to steal a quick kiss. Your mouths were now wet with each other, but in the most perfect way. A tiny part of him, even if just a cell, would now live in you. It made you just that bit perfect, but that was enough for you.
It was not enough for Chan. He needed to devour you in every sense. ‘It’s time to finish you,’ he thought.
He rushed to find the lighter again, scrambling his blood-covered thumb over the top to light it up.
The lighting of the third candle.
“The Spirit”
He quickly wiped the blood of his hands off onto the remainder of the dress lying beneath him. He laid you down again onto your back, throwing your legs over his lower back as he went. He made sure to press his chest all the way down into you, letting your blood intermingle and soak into the initial he had so happy etched into himself.
He looked at you in adoration. ‘God this man.’ He made you feel so loved. So seen. How could this gentle being be the same man who was ramming into you 10 minutes ago? The man that was fully insistent on ripping his heart out to present to you because nothing else could fulfill his need to give you himself? This man loved you. In the full sense of the word. He would die for you. He would sacrifice his own soul to save yours. He would crawl through the depths of hell if he knew it would keep you safe. Chan was the only person you would ever need, and he made sure you knew that.
“It might feel tight, baby,” he whispered, laying his head down into your hair, right beside your neck. He slowly let his length move inside of you. He proceeded slowly, only pushing in slightly more when he felt you relax around him.
Once you had fully adjusted, he began with slow, loving strokes. You suddenly felt warm with this fullness inside of you. Like this is what you had been missing all along. And with it, you were finally whole.
Chan felt the same way, and he made it known to you.
“You feel so good baby,” he whispered into your ear. “My match made in heaven.” He kissed your ear. He continued slowly, making sure to rub along the outside of you.
He let his hands wonder down until they were pressing into the bottom of your stomach. You could feel so much more with the new pressure. You felt every inch of him slowly pulling into and out of you. Every stroke felt like it reached a deeper part. He angled his body slightly lower so that he could angle himself up into you. Right to the sweet spot.
“Fuck,” you breathed out, smile shining on your face. “Fuck baby, that felt good.” You let your head relax back.
“Yeah?” he asked, hovering his face over yours. He didn’t want to miss a single look on your beautiful face.
“Yes, Channie,” you smiled again, taking a sharp breath in.
‘God that fucking nickname’ he thought. His heart turned into putty every time you used it. ‘So soft and so gentle for me… For Channie.’ He smiled, using one hand to stroke along the top of your head, maintaining the pressure on your stomach with the other.
He thrust into you harder now. Not necessarily faster, but using more force. The look on your face was all the reassurance he needed to keep it up.
He watched how your mouth dropped open, like you watched to scream something out but you couldn’t. How your eyes squeezed shut to focus on the feeling he was giving you. How your breathing started to pick up the more that he moved.
Feeling himself inside you got him hard, yes. But watching you- with all of your perfection- loving the way that he made love to you, got him rock hard. Suddenly, his tip became more sensitive. It crept and crept up until it started to drive him wild.
He started to place sloppy kisses along your mouth as he slammed his hips in. He kept a steady pace, just enough to keep your heart rate up.
You moaned as his hand pressed even harder into you. You could feel his cock hitting up and into the palm of his hand. Time and time again, you felt him hit into just the right spot to make your toes curl. Everything in your body froze up, then went warm. He kept going and going until it was going to send you over the edge.
“Channie?” you whined, breathing heavily through your mouth.
“Yes, my love?” He detached himself from your face to look at you. God, he could get off by looking at that face alone.
He smirked. “Does my baby need to cum?”
“Fuck yes,” you said, reaching around his neck to bring his lips down to yours. You felt like you were being elevated from your body.
No, resurrected.
Chan was going to bring you back to life.
Hard, stiff thrusts now poured out of him uncontrollably.
His breathing quickened too all of a sudden. He let out a sharp moan.
“Ughhh,” he drew a breath in. His voice was shaking. “I’m going to cum baby. Cum with me, yeah? Let’s tie ourself together now, okay?” He could hardly get his words out.
You knew he was barely holding on. So vulnerable for you.
Swiftly, he released the pressure off your stomach, making you gasp at the sudden loss of weight. Instead, he brought his hand down to your clit, and rubbed light circles. He went just in tune with the thrusts, throwing you over the edge.
“Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God,” you screamed out, feeling the beginning of the orgasm take over your entire body.
That’s all Chan needed. He took long thrusts to push himself over the edge with you. He shut his eyes tight, picturing just your face, your soul, holding his heart.
No, EATING his heart. It's all he could ever ask for and you would be the one to give it to him.
“TAKE.” Thrust.
“IT.” Thrust.
“ALL.” Thrust.
“UGHHH,” he yelled out, throwing himself into you with the most force you’d felt all night.
Your vision went white, jolts being sent through your body in every direction. Your body stiffened, head throwing itself back and body arching up off the ground. You felt Chan’s cock twitch inside of you, followed by a warm feeling that almost filled you more than you could take.
He continued to give you a few more wild thrusts. He bit down onto your ear. “Take it baby. Take my spirit and give me yours.”
Your body let out one final jolt before Chan slowed down and grabbed your face, cupping it in both hands.
You kissed him like you’d never tasted him before. Like everything about him was new and you were ready to explore.
You had just dedicated your entire being to him, but everything felt so irrepressible in this moment.
As he brought himself to a complete stop, he pulled his face from yours, panting. He decided to lay there for a few moments, letting himself rest inside you. It only felt natural to be this close to you. To finally feel like he could be a part of you.
His eyes fell down to your chest underneath him- both of you stained from the dark red show of your love for each other.
He made sure you were looking at him. He wanted itnto be a show. He then took the palm of his hand to his mouth, giving it a soft kiss. He placed the hand over your heart, where his initial had been etched in.
“I’ll always be with you, yeah?” he smiled down.
“Always and forever, my Channie.”
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szampers · 2 months
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Today while walking in a group, someone approached and tried to make casual conversation with me, probably to have some company to beat the boredom of walking I suppose. Or it was just some small loneliness. Exchanged a few words, it pretty much ended as soon as it had started. There are reasons:
1. I physically could not bring myself to be interested in the subject, not even able to feign superficial interest
2. I am too often indulged in my own thoughts and I'm more than happy to remain there.
3. I struggle to verbalize my thoughts. Even if I happen to be interested, in that case I'd then feel the awful pain of being unable to express myself. That's the situational mutism (prefer this term over selective mutism)
4. I lack a will to talk. Having a spontaneous tendency to make conversation doesn't come to me. At all.
5. Tha hell do I have to say to you
5. The nerves act up a little
These are the main reasons behind my apparent eternal vow of silence! They likely take precedence over one another depending on the situation (and my mood). Moving on.
Even though the entire exhange only lasted 10 seconds or so, it derailed whatever thought proces I had and weighed on my mind for arguably far too long. I thought about how people could simply initiate conversations with each other and keep it afloat, as if it comes to them naturally. To them it probably does, much like how my natural state is to keep to myself unless I have No Other Options. While I struggle to imagine myself freely initiating, seeking and holding conversations, they might struggle to fathom why I've sworn my vow of silence.
An ability to express myself decently and a superficial interest would've helped out much back then. I feel if only I had these two skills, just these two, life would be so much easier. New set of skills do come with a new set of problems, but I imagine they're "lighter" to deal with. It's exhausting to ruminate on one thing constantly: Why. Can I not act like most people do, and how it is severely detrimental if I ever hope to integrate into society. At the very least I should be able to be sociable on a functional level. The bare minimum is good enough for me, as long as it's enough for me to get by without much grievances in life. Unfortunately I only barely reach even this level. Now this is another thing I think myself into oblivion about. Goes in line with the situational mutism.
I'm not obligated to owe anyone conversation, but it really does feel like I've failed a basic task. I doubt faking interest and indulging them would've made me feel much better than shutting it off quickly, but at least I wouldn't be ruminating the crap out of it. They say change comes depending on how much you want to change, and that's seemingly the only solid thing I'm holding onto which keeps me somewhat hopeful.
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drdemonprince · 4 months
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i dont agree with the way the person who added onto your post framed things, but I do want to say that sometimes i have similar thoughts (especially because i still often feel very depressed/unhappy) but then when I really think back to how truly awful it felt to inhabit my body pretransition.
when i look at old photos theres a period of time where i look like a pretty happy kid, and certainly i had issues back then too, but the oictures of me in the midst of my natal puberty and the years before i transitioned really do show a deeply uncomfortable deeply sad person trying to dissociate and overall completely unhappy with my physical body and presentation.
Now, of course there are a lot of factors that go into it, but even on my bad days and times where I am still dissatisfied with my body and struggling with dysphoria or anything else, I know that my baseline is much higher than it was back then. And I always forget how bad things were once I'm doing better
Like yes in a superficial sense i did start caring more about my appearance once i was able to transition, and I do look more conventionally attractive (or at least put together) but that's the result of me actually feeling more at home in my body and like I have a future to look forward to.
Some people who say i look happier or more myself looked at me and only saw the surface level stuff, but I try and believe that my friends and loved ones actually do see what's there, which is that I really am happier and more myself. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have wanted to transition so badly.
A lot of my response to people making such comments is an inherently Autistic one. People cannot read me well. Even dear friends and loved ones. Just as much as I cannot empathize with them, other people are terrible at empathizing with me. They guess all kinds of wrong emotions at the wrong times -- they think I'm nervous or preoccupied when I'm not, mistake euphoria for anxiety, miss my anger, constantly think that I am tired or aloof just for having a flat resting face, are fooled by the mask, think a scowl of concentration is annoyance, mishear my voice as mocking, etc. I do not like people guessing what I am feeling at all. It's virtually always wrong. And trying to draw inferences even more globally about how my life or transition must be going based on such superficial easily misunderstood data is even more wrong.
I just completely reject the idea that we should be evaluating a person's relationship to transition based on anything to do with their appearance on so so many levels.
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warrion2 · 1 year
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Okay so hear me out.
We all know about the lawsuit. And we know the grocery store event right? Most of the fandom agrees that what Eddie said would likely stick with Buck a bit because it was never acknowledged. Eddie never said that he didn’t think that.
Now look at the kitchen scene.
“Did you ever think, you were throwing your punches at the wrong guy?”
“You’re making about you? Again?”
This stuck with me. For someone like Buck, those words, like the grocery store ones, would hurt. So do I think these words stuck, at least a bit? Absolutely.
If you also look to when Buck is telling 118 about Daniel, it’s clear what he thinks.
“Have you talked to them about it?”
“What am I gonna say? I’m sorry about your dead son but can we talk about me for a minute?”
“He wasn’t their only son. You matter too Buck.”
“Sure. Just- just not to them.”
He said sure like it was a joke. Like him mattering was a joke.
He didn’t want to talk to his parents because he didn’t think that his pain was worthy enough of mentioning because his parents were in pain too.
He doesn’t feel like his problems are worth “whining” about.
I’m not saying all of Bucks self worth issues came from the grocery store fight and I am definitely not saying that Buck wasn’t in the wrong. But hearing those words?
“You’re exhausting. Everything is about you. You don’t see us whining about it. We all suck it up, why can’t you.”
It confirmed his darkest thoughts.
Since he was a child, love came with conditions. It always seemed like people left him because of it. He wasn’t enough. He was to much. He was to little.
So imagine hearing that? It was beyond a simple “I’m mad at you.”
Eddie just vocalized everything Buck has thought about himself.
So I definitely thinks he holds onto that. Holds onto the
“You make everything about you.”
He’s afraid to let people be there for him because he never felt like anyone truly was there for him in his life.
And Eddie has gotten better, more vocal about his feelings. But the grocery store happened years ago and he might not even remember it.
So Buck will always be there for Eddie and Chris. But he’s afraid to let them be there for him because he thinks their love has conditions. That they care for him on a superficial level, but once it comes down to it? He would exhaust them with how he feels so he just, doesn’t.
The 118 obviously love Buck. But he also believes that love is superficial too. That he’s a friend but not family because they already have family. He’s seeing everyone have all he wanted but he also thinks it’s his own fault he can’t have it.
I just wanted to rant because Evan Buckley is a great character.
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solarwynd · 3 months
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I disagree a little with the assessment that ARMYs would automatically become JK's fanbase if the group is no more. His retail album sales figures aren't all that ahead of Jimin. His entire album is in English, he had crazy promo, from July we got almost non stop stuff till December, he had huge names he collab'd with and yeah with all that he did the best among the members. But comparing effort with outcome, his results don't look that great to me. If army were as enamoured with his music as they were with BTS' old albums like BE or MOTS:7 or LY, I think he would've done way better. He's still got two songs on TTH if you think about it and his streams are good don't get me wrong but his songs are still on the largest playlist on Spotify you know? It tips the scales.
The reason a lot of pjms feel like JK is favoured is because, the fact of it is, that a lot of armys don't like Jimin in particular so when we compare the way they act for Jimin versus the way the act for JK, we can clearly see a difference. But if Tae or Yoongi, who are in my opinion the two other army favourites, had gotten the same push as JK, they would've gotten the same level of support.
Anyway, in pure numbers it won't make a difference whether his results are due to Hybe or due to army. My only point is that if Hybe keeps investing so much in JK, I'm sure he'll continue to do well but he's never gonna reach BTS' level. They continue to pump money to keep him on all the big playlists to maintain this illusion that he's got ARMYs full support but in my opinion, that's all it is. An illusion.
Also this ask is getting too long but I also just want to bring up Tae. The most followers on IG, most fancam views and prior to solo era he was considered by some, including many armys, as the secret weapon since he was considered the most popular. But that didn't get him anywhere with layover (compared to Jimin and JK) and that's because his standing as the most popular member was partly illusion. If you looked under the hood it was the paid followers and views (not by him) or vpn voting and sales or multiple accounts and all that only works up to a limit. I'm just saying JK's strength is also partly illusion, constructed by the label (rather than fans which it was for Tae)
TGK are definitely the middle ground for armys, I agree. But out of the 3 of them, jk was always gonna have the best chance of suceeding. Armys don’t care for golden but they really don’t like layover. They take to yoongi better than joon or hobi, but the majority of the fandom still doesn’t like to stream rap music. Jk having palatable pop music was always gonna work in his favor over the other two. That’s why bang and scooter picked him because he’s the most agreeable member across the board.
And yes jk’s success thus far is mostly an illusion. One that they had to forge because the needed to devalue jimin. But like you said, it really isn’t all that impressive when you consider the effort they put into him. You look at the 16 versions worth of albums billboard reported that they put out to boost his sales yet he was only able to sell around 46k more than jimin who had 5 (a mini album at that). Like it’s very obvious what that reads as. 🥴
That “secret weapon” tagline armys had for th was embarrassing and came back to bite them in the ass. But they’ve always put so much stock in the superficial regarding that man and little else. You’ll see his stans fight this one sided battle with pjms because they’re still deeply bothered that jm pulled off the debut they expected th to do. They’ll cling to his popularity for dear life since that’s their safeguard and you can’t help but laugh because their only solace is that he’s more liked than jimin is. But does that mean much when it’s purely due to looks and out of obligation to do so because he’s one half of a ship? Not really.
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