My Country: The New Age, first and last episodes & Hanif Abdurraqib, For The Dogs Who Barked At Me On The Sidewalks in Connecticut (text/audio) image descriptions in alt

Puzzle Pieces

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Warnings:Smut!!!

Tom just is tired of sharing you with the boys. You are his best friend after all. The two of you have just got to make the pieces fit...

“Tom aren’t you tired?” You yawn for the millionth time that evening.

The two of you had been working on a 10,000 piece puzzle. You were going on four hours in and still had about a quarter of the way to go.

It had been really nice though; just you and him talking about all sorts of things and drinking wine. But your brain was starting hurt staring at all the little pieces scattered everywhere.

“No! I’m not tired, and we said we would finish tonight” The brunette reminds you and you sigh.

“I know, but Tom it’s midnight..and we’ve had a long day” you try to negotiate, and you couldn’t figure out why he wanted to finish the puzzle so badly right now.

You watch as his posture slumps a little before he perks back up; “Okay, I guess we can finish in the morning” he says with a half smile and you grimace.

“Actually I’m going to breakfast with Tuwaine and Haz in the morning” you tell him and Toms face is stoic. The three of you were going breakfast without him. Not even an invite? He’s actually offended.

When Tom had first introduced all of you to each other he was ecstatic you got a long with his friends so well...but now? Now it was getting on his nerves. You went with Harry to his shoots, and he always asked for your advice about editing. You and Harrison go mini golfing like once a week. And then you and Tuwaine cooked together constantly.

He knew he should be happy for all of your friendships, but instead he found himself green with envy. He felt like he was constantly at war with the other boys, fighting for your time and attention.

It was okay to wanna be around someone your just friends with all the time right?

“Well, how about in the afternoon? We can order a late lunch” he offers and you nod. “Sounds like a plan! Now let’s get some sleep, energizer bunny” you laugh, grabbing his hand.

The small gesture completely lifted Toms sour mood. Until you got upstairs and paused.

“Oh, I almost forgot; I left my charger in Tuwaines room” you remember, pulling away from Tom. “I’ll just see you tomorrow, goodnight Tom” you chirp, walking towards the other boys room.

You were about to knock on Tuwaines door when you hear Toms slam shut without so much as a goodnight back.

You jump at the noise and bite your lip, you should go check on him.

You don’t even bother knocking, walking into his room and shutting his door behind you.

“Slam it hard enough?” You ask, placing both hands on your hips and Tom barely glances up at you, letting out a dry “sorry”

“Tom what the fucks your problem? I thought we had a nice day together and now you’re acting pissy” you confront him and he stares up at you for a minute.

“Is there something going on between you and Tuwaine?” He asks bluntly and you’re taken aback. To you, this came from way out left field.

“Huh?” Is all you manage to get out, still dumbfounded and Tom takes a few steps closer to you.

“Is. There. Something. Going. On. Between. You. Two?” He asks again, pausing between each word and you shake your head.

“No”

He wasnt a tall guy but right now it felt like he was towering over you. He steps even closer, staring you in your eyes.

“Good because I want you all to myself” his voice comes out so deep it almost doesn’t even sound like him and your heart is racing at the sudden change in pace.

“That’s the real reason why I wanted to finish the puzzle, I just wanted to spend more time with you. Some attention” he continues, voice softer now. His words have your stomach erupting with butterflies and you reach up to touch his face.

You don’t know where the sudden burst of confidence comes from; but you lean forward to peck his lips before dropping to your knees.

“Then let me give you some attention” you whisper, pulling down his shorts.

Tom takes a deep breathe, watching you press a kiss to him through his boxers and he groans quietly at the action. You look up at him and he nods, then your pretty fingers are pulling the thin cotton down his legs.

You take him in your hand, surprised at how thick he was and pump him a few times.

You shuffle closer on your knees, then lick down his shaft before dragging your tongue back up again. When you get back to his tip you wrap your mouth around him and begin bobbing your head, taking him deeper each time.

“Fuck, Y/N” Tom moans and you hum around him, loving the praise he gave you.

You move faster, working your tongue on his underside and playing with his balls. Toms thighs tense from the pleasure you provided and you look at him from under your lashes.

He looked so good like this, face flushed and eyes glassy. He was staring at you like you were the greatest thing on earth and you felt your pussy getting wetter with every passing second.

“Y/N, babe, wait. I don’t wanna cum yet” he breathes out, grabbing your shoulders and pulling you off of him with a wet smacking sound. He stands you up, and pushes your chest into the wall.

“Tom....” you whine, sticking your ass out, more than ready for him.

In a flash he’s pressed up against you, and you don’t even remember him getting your bottoms off but you don’t have much time to dwell on it before the head of his dick is sliding into you.

“Oh my god” you moan, hands splayed against the wall. You can feel Toms hands gripping your waist as he pushes in deeper. His shaky breath fans against the back of your neck, and your eyes are squeezed shut at the way he stretched you.

“Fuck, you’re so tight babe” he murmurs next to your ear and you gasp when he begins thrusting in and out of you.

“Shit, Tom. Yes!” You all but yell and he smacks your ass. “You gotta be quiet, we have an audience Y/N” he warns and you nod weakly.

“Actually, fuck it. Let them hear” he growls, slamming into you and you scream. Toms hands move to cover yours on the wall, interlacing them as he fucks you.

Your legs shake and Tom notices, releasing one of your hands to reach between you and the wall to rub your clit.

His fingers move in quick circles on your sensitive nub and you clench around him.

“Tom I’m gonna cum!” You cry out, knees buckling as your body quakes with your orgasm. Tom holds you up, fucking you through it and his grip tightens as he reaches his own peak.

You both take a second to breath before Tom picks you up and lays you down in his bed, cuddling up beside you. Your bodies molded together on his comfortable duvet.

You smile to yourself, “We fit like two puzzle pieces” you snuggle closer to him.

“Like my dick in your pussy”

“Oh my god”

———————————————————

omg I’m so trash, I’m so inactive but I promise i got some heat coming for y’all!! Hope you enjoyed, stay safe babes ❤️

Decided to upload one of the scenes/ideas not originally included. You can read the whole thing on AO3 here

Coda to Peace and Quiet

Chapter Warnings for: Object insertion, belly bulge (see tags and previous chapter warnings) my writing style is best described as flinging words at a wall and seeing what sticks. Not beta read sorry!

This could stand alone, the basic scenario from chapter one: Geralt using a drugged unconscious Jaskier.

Enjoy!

___________

Part of the reason Geralt had started on the whole enterprise was to get some rest for himself. While fucking the unconscious bard as often as he wanted had started out invigorating, it had become  almost obligatory. 

Geralt didn't want to fuck his bard every night, but after his initial reticence was burned away it seemed a shame to waste the opportunity.

The potion ingredients weren't cheap.

Undressing Jaskier, propping his lax body up in some accommodating pose and fucking untill he was ready for sleep himself had become stale. 

Geralt wasnt uncreative. There had been variety in the way he tupped his friend. Including inventiveness that came about from afternoons on the Path blocking out the worst of Jaskier's chatter with fantasies about fucking. And contemplation about the logistics involved in carrying them out.

Some didn't require much extra in way of material. A log the right heigh and sturdiness. Rope enough to get Jaskier strung upsidedown from an overhanging tree limb. A treat to bribe Roach into taking two passangers on a trotting midnight path round and round the campsite, Jaskier jolting up and down impaled on Geralt's cock.

As a Witcher he had many tools at his disposal.

Some required additional clean up time to consider. It had taken half the morning after to clean, and repolish the length of silver chain he kept for securing shapeshifters.

It had been worth the bother. 

On that night he hadn't been interesting in fucking Jaskier. Instead he had decided to see how many links of the enchanted silver chain he could feed past the rim of Jaskier's puffy (no longer virginal looking) asshole. 

Each link was as thick as two of Geralt's fingers held together and as long as an egg stood on its end, not a challenge when compared to the other things Geralt had successfully stuffed into the bard already.

And all that before you took into account the size of Geralt cock, which the bard was taking regularly with minimal preperation required at that point.

The challenge came in the sheer number of links available. The chain measured nearly fifteen feet and was heavy enough (and valuable enough) that it normally lived in a special enchanted pack attached to Roach's saddle.

The special pack was also treated on the inside so that the silver chain was less likely to tarnish, a slick film covering the surface.

---

Jaskier's ass was spread open and pointed up to the sky, his head and upper back touching the ground while his knees rested bent near his ears shoulder width apart. Geralt had heard the pose called a plough, and had put name and form to function using it on numerous occasions for fucking.

It gave the best vantage point for seeing what could be stuffed into that much beloved body.

The bright cold silver almost sparkled in the moonlight as Geralt pressed link after link down into Jaskier's depths. He had an upclose view as the weight of the chain drew the length deeper and deeper.

The first few had been easy. The puffy wrinkled rim opened over the widest part of the chain link before reflexively clenching tight from the chill of the metal.

Jaskier's rim fluttered open-close open-close with each new addition. Between the weight of the links and the contractions of over worked muscle each new silver link seemed to almost be pulled down one after the next.

A little past a quarter of the way there was a wave of muscular spams that rolled through Jaskier's usually pliant body. Geralt had to stop and massage the lightly haired belly. His little toy was likely cramping from the weight and unusual pressure being placed against his insides.

If he pressed down hard enough into the soft vulnerable flesh of Jaskier's body he could almost feel where the hard metal chain was starting to bunch up. He could hear the faint rubbing of silver against silver with his Witcher hearing. The dull rasping metallic sound audible even through the layers of flesh, muscle and skin.

At the midway point Geralt had to start adding more pressure behind each new insertion. Each new link pushed the last link deeper, but there was only so much space to start with.

The constant hard pressure of the metal links moving across and up against his prostate had Jaskier's cock leaking a near steady burble of clear seminal fluid. The bard's cock was only halfway to hard, more flacid than not, but from that point on Geralt made it a point to include it in the deep massaging rub. The belly was noticeably more pooched out than when he'd started.

He developed a routine. He would push a link in, run his fingers around the sweetly swollen rim of Jaskier's asshole (bisected by the chain still remaining), and then make a circuit with his hands over the rest of his favorite parts on display.

He would roll his knuckles, deeply pushing hard along the seam of perineum, cup and squeeze Jaskier's not unsurprisingly large testicles, ring his fingers around the full blown erection for a few pumps before turning his attention to palpating under his friends belly button, up over abdominals and back down to his asshole. He'd push in the next link and repeat.

Over and over untill with a good 18 or 20 inches still left Geralt decided it would probably be safer to stop.

The last link was only half way inside, the widest part of it kept pushing out and back into Jaskier along with his breathing. He was overful, burdened by the odd position and the heft of feet of silver resting inside his body.

Insertion done with Geralt sat back onto his knees and prepared the main part of the evening. Sure to wear his friend out so that the next days peace was guaranteed. A sore tired bard would welcome a chance to doze on the back of Roach and wouldn't sing, or compose verse, he would just be docile and thankful to Geralt for the kindness.

His favorite variety of Buttercup.

He quickly rolled the bard over onto his back. In that position the swell in his belly was obvious. The taut stretched skin appeared almost embossed by the chain visibly straining against it's over full container.

Geralt took the very last link in the silver chain and staked a long 'U' shaped stake through it and into the hard sod covered ground. Jaskier wouldn't be going anywhere.

The thing about enchanted silver is that it reacted much like his medallion, vibrating in the presence of specific spells.

Geralt cast Quent, erecting a protective circle around his friend. Immediately the entire length of the chain began to writh and vibrate. Jaskier's confused over stimulated, and overwhelmed body tripped over into a climax, cum spurting out on to a belly vibrating from within.

Three or four links had been forced out of Jaskier's ass by the contractions of his channel. He'd likely push more out with each following orgasm too.

The slick seed of Jaskier's release danced rapidly up and down, it looked like a rain puddle disturbed by the passage of a herd of trampling horses, or left over wine dancing within a goblet, disturbed by the loud noise of a banquet hall.

Geralt added his own cum to the oscillating mess.

The spell should last untill dawn. Meanwhile he could rest and still have time to retrieve the chain, clean it, pack it, and then quietly meditate before the potion wore off and Jaskier regained consciousness.

____

I have one or two other outlines for the other cut scenes, let me know if there is interest! 1) spectral black dog with ectoplasm jizz, 2) hair removal, Geralt shaving 🪒/magic-ing Jaskier hairless, 3) shoot me a prompt and I'll see what inspires

college!jeno

a/n : it has been a long ass time. but hey i’m back if anyone cared lol. enjoy this bullet point scenario about this precious boy. also peep his blue hair, we young was his bitch. 

genre : fluff 

pairing : jeno x reader

request : open !!

word count : 1.07 k

oml okay im rlly excited for this but if its ok i might just do jeno as a high school au bc bb boy is 18

warning this is all over the place and v long have fun

k so jeno just moved to this new high school called zuhos uni, but i mean boy is takin the highschool courses that are specialized in science bc hes a geek

a v cute one but ya know

so hes bew and hes transfered like one quarter through the year,,

bc jeno is a v shy shy boy he doesnt have many friends the first week until he joins the music club every friday after school

there he makes friends woo, shy bb opens up to haechan, jaemin and renjun even if renjun isn’t really part od the music club and more of the art club

oof details

k so this bb is rlly rlly bloody smart and hes rlly good at biology and physics but he struggles at chemistry

hes like wtf,, this doesnt make any sense one lement another makes a new one withh a different number ?? heLP

its comPLICATED

thats is until he finally asked for help

he has seen you around school, always next to your locker, head in the books, but he hd seen you around music club

you tended to stay by yourself, strumming your guitar and always writing this in your notebook

but he also knew that you were rlly good at chemistry

he didnt ask you for help perse

more like jeno asked his best friend jaemin who was one a close friend of one of your friends and who he also had a crush on to ask you if you fould help jeno

protect this bb he’s shy

you where like “huh? me? jeno wants my help? pretty boy?”

your friend was like “omg yes noe go talk to him and tell him youll help. k? k.”

so you go “talk” *cough* hyuck sets you tf up *cough* and you guys meet at the library??

at least you thought so?? but he didnt get the memo so he showed up like 30 mins lates so it wasnt that bad but like bruh??

so u were a lil annoyed bc boy asked for your help and showed up late, and jeno was a nervous mess when he finally arrived and kept apologizing seeing you with a frown

he kept saying how sorry he was and that he would make to you,, poor bb

and seeing him be a shy and nervous mess made you forget so obviously it was easy to forgive and you guys tried to start your study session

hmmm “tried” is the key word

bc everytime you guys would start their would be noises and other ppl talking so yall gave up and jeno was like “oh we could go over to my place bc my parents r out and it should be quite?? i- ii could h-hhelp youu wwith ph-ysics??,, if you want??”

akdhaj precious shy bundle nervouse mess

ofcourse you said yesss bc physics is like wtf is this ?? no one understands and i neED HELP

and you liked jeno like had a major crush on him and yku needed to help the poor boy out with chem chem

k. so yall walk home and you get to know each other and jeno starts to fall harder for you bc your so cute, the way you keep tucking your hair behind your ear

and biting your lip when your nervouse and just silent

he found it rlly cute aight

so yall finally arrived to his home, and hes a bit messy but thank GOD HIS MOM MADE HIM clean up the day before

wooo

so yall go through w your study session that lasts like an hour and a half and jenos like dam you make everything make sense

poor boy didn’t actually say that but he thought it and how you looked really pretty

but thats another time

and he explains physics to u and your like oh gotchu gravity makes sm more bloody sense

so after studying you guys go get ice cream bc he had to “make it up to you”

when he offered to lay you where a blushing red mess bc you rlly like him and ut feels like a date but he could never like u back

hes so smart and talented

but jeno just kept thinking your looked adorable with your blush and whenever you spoke to him about chemistry and biology your eyes would light up

yoy noticed though that jeno would smile *that eye smile that cures cancer* whenver he spoke and talketed about music and his friends

and it got late real quick so yall had to say hoodbye but you were rlly sad

bc he got you and you got him ??

perfect chemistry ,, mi dudes

k so like right before you left hes like “umm umm so you— want to like,, meet again??” silence “like as a date ?? — i mean if u dont want to its all— good”

and you were just like dumbfounded??

like what?? he lee jeno the most adorable smartest talented perfect boy in school just aksed you out??

you kinda justs tood there and then slowy noded

and he gave you that eye smile,, precious boy was so happy omg omg omg

so yall meet again and again and again for study sessions and a couple of dates

jamein and your friend had been a couple for a couple of weeks and hyuck just wanted jeno to shut up about you

bc bb boy was falling in love

so in one of your study sessions it was late and you guys had order dominos and were just hangin on the couch when he kept lookin over and just kissed you

boy was scared but you kissed him back bc akgshags

best day

when you broke the kiss you bith had the biggest goofiest smiles on your face ,, like how did i end up with this beautiful person right in front of me

he gave you a lil kiss in the forhead that melted your heart and you bith smiles like idiots

the end ,, jk i just have no idea how to end this

ajdha and yall just cuddled it was great

a bish is really bloody soft for jeno

i hope y’all enjoyed this mess lol. peace. 

Superbat and #20 for the writing prompts, please. 😁

Wasn’t sure if you wanted the Fluff or the Smut 20 so i flipped a coin. lol. I could always do the other if that’s the one you meant! haha.

So sorry if this isn’t smutty like at all. lol. I’ll actually continue this later with the sexy parts, promise.

Superbat~ Fuck you/ I’m up for it, if you are.

***

Clark was raised right. He was polite, always tried to be considerate of others and their feelings. Never said anything if he didn’t have anything nice to say and always helped with the dishes after dinners. That’s how his mama raised him and he was quite proud of his down home attitude. He couldn’t help his Kansas smiles and twanging lilt when he was comfortable and relaxed.

Well he was not comfortable now. He was most certainly as uncomfortable as a person could be. Bruce was practically fuming, the only tell of which was his ticking and clenching jaw, which, to the rest of the league might as well have been a neon sign spelling out Batman’s absolute lack of patience.

“The entirely of the mission rests on this reconnaissance. Perhaps sending the most inexperienced, loudest, most destructive member isn’t the brightest of ideas.” Bruce said as he continued to stare Clark down from across the table. His lips were curled into a smirk and Clark was seriously considering how hard he’d have to blow to knock him out of his chair while still seeming like an accident. a thought he immediately felt guilty over. 

Though the look in Bruce’s eye said he knew exactly what Clark was thinking anyway.

“I can hear a whisper from miles away. I think I can handle a dinner party. Gothamites don’t actually have a trademark on those do they? Seeing as it’s all the elite do in this town.” 

Diana’s smile at the head of the table was poorly hidden and Arthur’s gaze shooting back and forth between them was barely ignored. Barry’s wide eyed stare was probably what should have clued Clark in that he needed to calm the situation, but unfortunately that went completely ignored. 

and how do you expect to infiltrate the star lab systems? Or retrieve the data that the techs received from the Galwat system? If we’re dealing with intergalactic meddling on earth we need to know what they have and how they plan to use it. Do you have a complete understanding of how to hack a level seven security system? because with Victor off world we’ll need someone who can do that the old fashioned way. Or was your plan to simply punch the keyboard until it spilled the beans?” Bruce wasn’t even looking at him anymore. He had already turned to Barry, who was still wide eyed and half scared of the tension.

a tension Clark could feel in his shoulders now. That Bruce still thought of him as a muscle headed small town good boy was more than a little infuriating. Also just the tiniest bit insulting as he thought that he and Bruce had been on the up and up lately. getting along and working together well enough. It was frustrating that he’d somehow gotten knocked down a peg or two on the Batman Respect list. 

and frankly, after a year of working together you’d believe Clark would make some leeway in that respect. From Clark’s side, working wit Bruce was amazing. he was focused and supernaturally prepared for just about anything. He was organized and his detective skills were simply unparalleled. his grouchy moods were almost comforting to Clark now, if Bruce was grumpy all was well in the world. That is until recently.

Until recently Clark would have been at the top of the list for this recon. he wouldn’t have been questioned as he volunteered. Until recently Bruce would have looked at him and nodded once in agreement that Clark was the best choice for the mission. until recently, Clark had felt that the moments of trust and companionship had become more solid and sustainable between he and Bruce. Apparently he had been mistaken.

The infinitesimally short instances of something else. Of something unspoken and deeper and much hotter than the casual banter that usually filled their interactions were also snuffed out. Now when Clark’s eyes strayed down to Bruce’s lips, he more than often caught them curling in distaste. 

And now that barely simmering distaste was spilling over into League business and a heart stung Clark was over it. 

“You know what, Bruce?” Clark spoke, voice steel hard.

“Okay, everyone out!” Diana announced before he could continue. Barry was gone before she finished her sentence but Arthur made no move whatsoever to move. Until Diana bodily dragged him by his ear out of the hall half cackling,half protesting. 

“If you’re going to continue, be quick. I-”

“Shut up! You stop talking right now.” Clark interrupted, raising his voice by a piddly margin. The fact that Bruce obeyed was momentarily surprising but he continued on. “Now I don’t know what you got caught up that bat cave of yours but i’m just about tired of it. You’ve argued against me going on just about any mission in past two weeks, and you have been keeping me on watchtower duty for just as long.

“I don’t know what i did to lose your trust, or your confidence, but I’m done sitting on the sidelines hoping i say the right thing that day to get you to smile at me like before. To get you to laugh at my stupid jokes. Or  hell even to get you to roll your eyes at me. Anything that makes me visible to you,because it’s so much worse Bruce. it’s so much worse just not being seen.”

Bruce stared after the outburst. his breathing was even and his heart, Clark could hear, was steady as a drum. He’d barely reacted at all and that more than anything made Clark finally lose it. His mama forgive him.

“Fuck you, Bruce.” he turned to walk away in a huff when Bruce answered.

“I’m up for it if you are.”

Clark was frozen, back to Bruce and mind racing. he couldn’t have heard right, right? Bruce hadn’t actually propositioned him like this. Like an awkward bar pickup artist. That couldn’t be possible. He turned back around slowly and was not surprised at all to see Bruce leaning back in his chair. Calm as you please. The man was infuriating.

“Tell me you were joking.” Clark says before taking a momentous step closer.

Bruce tracked the step like hawk but simply looked up at him as he’d simply been commenting on the weather. 

“Bruce.” Clark warned as he took another carefully tracked step clooser, 

Bruce only looked him up from head to toe, eyes raking over him and pausing in the most titillating places. 

When Clark finally came to stand in the vee of Bruce’s thighs, breath coming too fast and shallow, hands awkward and hanging at his side he wished to god the man would say something else. Anything else. Anything to prove Clark wasnt about to make an ass of himself. 

But Bruce said nothing. His eyes were half lidded and his hands were curled on top of his thighs but his mouth, un-smirking, unsmiling, remained stubbornly closed. So when Clark reached out. So slowly and so carefully it was as if the air itself would shatter. 

HIs thumb traced just below Bruce’s full wet bottom lip. Bruce’s eyes razor bright and tracking his movements unbelievably close. 

He tried one last time. “Bruce, if you want me to stop, you’re going to have to say so.”

When Bruce’s eyes shined with want and his lips followed his thumb and bit down just wantonly enough to make Clark’s knees go weak he knew there was no going back. 

He hauled Bruce up by the back of the neck and inhaled his obscene groan as their lips clashed. Bruce tasted like mouth and mint and Clark couldn’t decide what he wanted to focus on most. Bruce’s hands, spread over Clark’s chest were hot and his fingers were long and strong as he pushed Clark back onto the table. 

Bruce’s smile when they separated was so light and almost carefree it stole Clark’s breath faster than the kiss did. when Bruce fell to his knees, cowl still up and cape spread out behind him Clark realized suddenly where they were again and his breath stuttered.

Big blue eyes ticked up to meet Clark’s and just as he always seemed to, it looked like Bruce knew exactly what was passing through Clark’s head, and he found it amusing. 

When he felt the hot nuzzle against his crotch, Bruce’s breath warm through the fabric of his uniform he lost it completely. he didn’t finish off but only just.

“We are not having are first time where Arthur eats corn dogs by the dozen. My quarters. Now.” Clark said, Bruce’s face in his hands, looking up like some kind of perfect fantasy. he didn’t wait for agreement; he’d told Bruce he wouldn’t be stopping for anything after all. Clark picked bruce up, threw him over one shoulder and blurred into his room. “and i’m going on that mission.”

Bruce’s laugh as he bounced off the bed was loud and free.

hp update: i had finished the most recent chap and started the ismelda sidequest when everything got sidetracked by the celestial ball time sensitive event. 

all around it was a pretty good quest, the best part being seeing everyones outfits. everyone looked cute except for tonks who absolutely fucking killed it. 10/10 outfit + hair combo. 

they forced my character out of my full set of armor finally, but didnt take away my sunglasses during the ball. B)

there were a lot of wait-or-pay to play the next level things in this one, which seems like a dick move considering that its already a time sensitive event. i ended up using a full half of my gem reserves rushing through the last quarter of the event because i have a job where i cant get on my phone to play games every few hours. 

now that merula has become more of a morally gray character, the story writers have chosen to bring back bills old crush emily tyler as the go to bully. i still dont think she was that bad to bill originally, and seeing her up and walking around draws attention to the fact that she has the basic kid model with a shrunken torso to make it look like she has hips. 

the long awaited romance element has been placed at the forefront of this event too, with taking dates to the ball. it wasnt difficult for me to pick one, id reasoned that id be picking barnaby if something like this ever came up. now i have even more incentive to do so, as i am done with the dance event and am back to the ismelda sidequest....

the quest is about ismelda having a crush on barnaby and the mc tries to help her out. theres a lot of telling her “just be yourself!” just dont talk about your interests and change all of your body language and facial expressions. but be yourself!

this may be on me for not picking the right responses in order to do this, but this is another instance where the mc is proven to be their own character and not just my avatar because there is no way in hell if ismelda confessed to me, the first thing i wouldnt do is run tell barnaby. ive gone through this before, ismeldas crabbe/goyle-esque goon personality is evil + evil while barnabys is stupid + stupid. they are a terrible match. barnaby loves all animals and ismelda jokes about them being dead all magical creatures class. barnaby dropped her ass in year 3 as soon as he learned you could enjoy being friends with someone. barnaby does not deserve to be pushed back with ismelda just because she likes him. id tell him to lie low for awhile.

and now my fears have been confirmed. SPOILERS ismelda confessed to him, but barnaby didnt really get it, so now shes made some reference to forcing him to like her, which, who could have seen that coming, i guess. 

i finished that level last night and opened the app this morning to play the next level, only to have the last dialog play again and the wait-or-pay wall time period be reset, even though id gotten a notification that the adventure was ready. lol 

(wriggles eyebrows) superbabies at hogwarts

BRUH

so kara’s a muggle born hufflepuff and lena’s a pure blood slytherin (who like......easily could have gone to ravenclaw if she wasnt so terrified of what lillian would say or do if she didn’t end up in the luthor’s typical house) and they’re p sure the kiddos are going to have magic (like 90% on finn and maia??  stella’s a lil more murky bc they’re p sure that her birth mom was a witch but its not as if they’ve got like.......Offical Records on her or anything)

so finn and maia show magic p early??  from like toddlers tbh so they’re expecting their letters and then stella’s like nine and hasn’t shown any inclination to magic and she’s starting to ask when she’ll get her letter, if she can get a cat for a pet instead of an owl like finn and maia did and like??  they’ll obviously love her exactly as they always have but like they’re like lowkey worried she’ll be destroyed if she doesn’t get a letter

so they’re gearing up to sit down with her and talk to her about the possibility of her maybe not having magic and then one day she sneezes and sets the curtains on fire

so

finn!!!  is the first, the oldest, and he like straight up cries when his letter comes bc he’s so excited??  but he’s also dreading being away from his moms, being away from his sisters, but kara wraps him up in a big hug and tells him all about how scared and sad she was when she got her letter, how much she desperately didnt want to go but she went and it was amazing and he’s going to have a wonderful time, she knows it.  

the whole family goes to diagon alley and like the kiddos have been before, kara and lena take them p regularly for ice cream or for birthdays or hell just for funsies but now it’s Big and Important

his wand is alder, unyielding, with unicorn hair as the core.  twelve inches even and like.......when he matches with it he literally makes flowers grow in every nook and cranny of ollivanders and stella’s literally six but she’s so entirely entranced, so finn just sort of thinks flowers and then she’s got a little bloom behind her ear, braided into her hair and she’s grinning and maybe she finally stops crying at the thought of her big brother going off to school for the year

meanwhile maia’s pretending like she’s not at all upset about this, bc she’s excited for finn??  she is!!!  but he’s her best friend and she’s not ready to lose him for nine months out of the year, but by the time they make it to the owl shop, she’s grinning and talking about what type of owl she thinks finn ought to get, what type of owl she’ll get bc she’s not pleased with finn’s final choice (a small, sleek little barn owl that he stares at and finally decides to name spock bc he’s a nerd just like lena tbh)

so he goes!!!!!  and he is a hufflepuff!!!!!  a giant soft sweet hufflepuff!!!!!!!  kara sends him her old scarf from when she was in school when he gets sorted, sends a rlly embarrassing howler that’s basically her and lena just crying and saying they’re so proud of him, they love him so much, call home as soon as you can and tell us everything! and he’s blushing a little bit but his house is full of kids with similar howlers and they’re all blushing a little, all making bashful eye contact with one another

and jesus does he belong in hufflepuff like.  he is so happy, like he’s homesick for the first few weeks??  but it helps that lena does guest lectures for muggle studies on how magic and muggle technology can be combined, helps that he can see one of his moms every few weeks or so, helps that he has a smartphone bc this is the 21st century and he’s able to facetime his family a lot.  but once the homesickness passes, once he falls into the rhythm of hogwarts, he just begins to belong u know??  like he makes friends across the board, in every house, in every year, often volunteers down in the infirmary when there’s need

jesus he writes his sisters so many letters bc they’re still young enough that getting mail is like A Thing.  like??  he asks his moms for a camera, just so he can send maia a picture of the giant squid in the lake bc she’s so fascinated by it, just so he can send stella a series of photos of the quidditch matches his new friends bring him out to bc she watches the matches on tv and is so entranced

so his first year is so awesome and quite frankly so is his second year and then!!!!!!  it’s his third year and maia’s coming and he legit cannot wait, like he knows all the secret passages and shortcuts and which house elf (no longer kept, but actually employed by the school !!!  bc mcfuck off thats why) is the easiest to persuade for a midnight snack and he cant wait to share that all with maia

so maia!!!!  she gets her letter and she literally screams, scares the fuck out of her moms and siblings but she’s like FUCK YES WHERE’S MY WAND WHERE’S MY GIANT SCREECH OWL SOMEONE GET ME SOME CHOCOLATE FROGS TO CELEBRATE like she’s been counting down the days to hogwarts since finn got his letter

her wand!!!  is dogwood with dragon heartstring, rigid, twelve and a quarter inches and is a bit, well.  it looks like a branch with a handle tbh but its kind of wild??  like a thing of nature and the minute it hits maia’s hand, she’s enthralled and there’s like a hum in the air??  like something’s clicked into place and she’s READY like hand her some SPELLS lets get this MAGIC HAPPENING

and she gets her giant ass screech owl, names it gene simmons bc why not (genie for short, obviously), gets her books and her supplies and asks if they can stop by weasley’s to grab a few things and her moms set her with a look and kara’s like maia you can’t prank any of the professors and lena’s like on that subject, you can’t prank any of your housemates until at least second term and maia’s kind of like fiiiiinnneeee but definitely slips in a few things that are definitely prank-worthy and grins when her moms pointedly look in the other direction as theyre paying

so then she gets to hogwarts and she’s sitting under the sorting hat for a solid ten minutes as it hems and haws between sorting her into gryffindor or ravenclaw and she’s a little sad she’s not even being considered for finn’s house, but she also knows she’d never fit in there, not ever.  and this goes on for a bit bc maia’s wildly smart, and she loves learning but she’s also hard headed and reckless and intensely committed to the idea of justice, fairness, always steps up to a fight, never away.  so FINALLY the sorting hat calls out GRYFFINDOR and then maia’s swept up in the celebration, catches finn’s eye as he gives her the biggest proud big brother smile and a thumbs up (meanwhile he’s secretly facetiming kara and lena so they can see this and what, they’re totally not crying)

and kara, secret old lady that she is, tries to knit maia a gryffindor scarf but its kind of terrible so they also buy her one but (and maia will never admit this) she sleeps with the fucked up one kara made her, tucked up next to her ratty old teddy bear from when she was a baby.  

what??  it makes her feel safe, reminds her of home

so she doesnt have that same adjustment period as finn did??  like she’s not super sad for the first few weeks, its more protracted than that, lasts a little longer but doesnt hit as hard, and it’s a lot of help that finn’s there, pulls her over to eat at his table when she doesnt have friends to eat with the first few days, who invites her round to his common room to eat the sweets their moms have sent them and to catch up on tv on his laptop.  but mostly???  she loves hogwarts.  she LOVES it

she excels at potions, in the same way that finn excels at herbology, great at defense against the dark arts, and shit if she’s not even better dueling, like she gets an actual invitation to join the dueling club on parchment and everything

and like???  she’s on the choir and gets her friends to dare her to explore the forbidden forest and quite frankly she’s having the time of her life

and then little stella!!!!!  she gets her owl and like.  just stares at it for a bit, trying to believe its real and then lena’s coming downstairs and sees stella sitting in front of the big kitchen window and sees what she’s staring at and shes like !!!!!  stella!!!!  cmon sweetheart, lets go get that letter!!!!  and stella’s so???  happy????  like its been weird like she’s basically been an only child in the three years since maia went to hogwarts, been on her own and now she’ll be back with her siblings and she’s so so happy oh my god

she very nearly cries when she finds her wand bc she takes the longest of all the kiddos.  no wand feels right, feels like home and she’s nearly at her wits end with it, just about to say nevermind, take me home and then, well, she finds it.  its pine, supple, fourteen and a half inches long with a dragon heartstring; god, it looks a little ridiculous when ollivander hands it to her, almost like its too long for such a small girl but then she’s holding it, then a hush is falling over the room and then there’s just light, everywhere and it feels right???  feels good, grounded

and she picks out a little black kitten!!!  its the runt of the litter and maia kind of knocks her shoulder and says awwww just like you and their moms fix her with a look but stella’s smiling, nodding, saying that one, i want that one and that’s the end of that

what does she name the cat, you ask?  well

she names it carmilla bc she’s a giant baby lesbian ok, like hell she didnt sneak the novella from lena’s bookshelf and struggle through it only to watch the series and then develop an as of yet unnamed crush on carmilla

so she finally gets to hogwarts, kind of terrified (she cried a lot on the train, only sort of soothed by her siblings refusing to go sit with their friends, instead squishing into the same bench and playing sudoku with her) but finn’s grinning at her from the hufflepuff table and maia’s giving her this steady look like you got this from gryffindor and stella’s like???  ok.  i’ll be happy in either of those houses

but then the sorting hat barely touches her hair before its screaming SLYTHERIN and stella’s like um what. 

this isnt to say any of the kiddos have that assbackwards belief that slytherin = evil bc like??  lena was slytherin and yeah, there’s some shit tied up with that but she did truly have a decent time and aunt alex was slytherin too and she’s good, the greatest, like none of them have grown up with that messed up idea

but at the same time stella’s like um.  i am the softest bitch here.  what the fuck bc while she knows slytherins arent evil, she also knows her mom and aunt alex, knows there’s an edge to slytherins that she can’t hope to ever match???  like ambition??  cunning/??  bitch WHERE

but its done, she’s sorted and she’s kind of in shock and most of slytherin is as well, kind of looking at her and then looking back to her siblings, kind of like???  the fuck????  the danvers kids are like........the Softest.  why do we have this one????  and maia’s the first to holler her name, whoop and clap and stamp her feet and celebrate her baby sister getting sorted and then finn’s joining and then the whole of slytherin is doing the same and stella kind of smiles a little bc when she sits down, the girl next to her gives her this appraising look then sticks out her hand and says i’m ari, we’re friends now before shoving a plate of food at her

and lena’s like???  worried that stella doesnt want to be in slytherin but also incredibly proud and excited???  like shit, ok, all my weird trivia abt the slytherin dorms can finally come in handy and she digs out all her old stuff, packs it up with a weepy howler that’s literally her and kara just crying about how much they love and miss stella and stella literally wears that scarf basically every cold day for the rest of her life tbh

stella feels the homesickness more??  like a Lot more, bc she had a lot more one on one time with kara and lena after maia left, isnt used to not being around them in the slightest and she’s kind of inconsolable for a while after lena’s lectures, but maia sometimes sneaks her into the gryffindor dorms so she doesnt have to feel so alone at night and that helps a lot, helps that she finds some good friends p early on as well

OH SHIT it also helps that stella’s like.  terrifyingly good at transfiguration and charms, and, later, divination and legilimancy (heh u see what i did there).  probably also helps that she’s scary good at most curses and hexes like.........she’ll Fuck U Up.  maia fights with her fists but stella doesnt hesitate to use her wand.  like ppl are a lil tiny bit scared of her but she’s tiny and adorable and v sweet, sweet enough that most ppl get over their fear p quickly

so the kiddos do alright??  finn never joins the quidditch team even though kara played and he’s never quite as fond of flying as stella; in fact, its only stella that joins quidditch for anything longer than one season, as a chaser (stella MAY be a little bit of an adrenaline junkie and MAY have the time of her life dodging bludgers).  maia joins as a beater for one season when gryffindor’s normal beater came down with dragon pox and had to go home to recuperate but she quits at the end of the season bc she hits a bludger that ends up knocking stella off her broom and like.......Fuck That ya know

hmmmmmm what shenanigans do they get up to 

well finn’s like every professors favorite student like he’s there on time and prepared for class every day and god help every professor the day maia comes to hogwarts like they’re all expecting another mild mannered danvers kiddo (like??  even their moms were so well behaved.........that said.  it shouldnt be a surprise bc alex was hell on wheels) but then maia sweeps into her first class, probably trailing glitter or something equally dramatic and like.  professor snapper looks like he wants to die tbh.  like just drop dead

i dont blame him tbh, maia is also hell on wheels, like constantly calling teachers out when they fuck up and starting fights when some punk kid starts saying shit about blood traitors like hey.  fuck u buddy

so then after maia’s torn through, everyone’s a lil cautious with stella but she’s like........a small bunny or something.  a small bunny that could probably murder you with some tricky non-verbal magic but a small bunny nonetheless 

finn’s a prefect and eventually head boy!!!  like he’s so proud of that and his sisters roll their eyes but theyre proud of him too and maybe kara and lena just.........dont shut up about how their son is head boy, their eldest daughter got an o in potions, how their youngest was the first in her class to cast a patronus charm successfully like they’re B R I M M I N G with pride tbh

hmmmm what else what else

finn goes on to be a healer!!  one of the best at st. mungos, the one you’d want caring for you after you’ve been blasted with some curse or the other.  maia first works for the ministry, in their muggle science department, but then decides to train as an auror (like why not, she’s got the grades and the grit for it).  stella bounces around for a bit before eventually opening her own little shop in diagon alley.  it’s a bit of an odds and ends sort of shop, somewhere halfway between an antique shop and a toy store tbh

and maybe she helps out on some of maia’s raids/cases

its not like there’s anyone more qualified to help, she is one of the foremost experts in legilimancy

I write bad stand up comedy so thanks

So nice of everyone to come tonight, on a good day I have no more than four people that look at me at one time, so this is definitely making me severely uncomfortable. I'm only 20 years old which means just like every other 20 year old I cry in the shower and use tinder. I at first thought of tinder as a great way to pick up prey as a serial killer. I watched criminal minds a kid and I watch FOX news so every predator showcased on those forums are white dudes. I am also from eugene oregon so pretty much all of tinder looks like the milk aisle. Some are organic, some are fat free and others are being fought over by two different women who will send you death threats over facebook and try and sabotage your relationship. It is just great. Anyways, I recently decided as an in debt 20 year old with too may bills to pay and a customer service job that I'm already dead inside, so if I died it'd be pretty much how it is now except I would no longer have obligations and all the guys from my high school would finally pay attention to me. My first experience was just as about as fucked as it gets. He was this hot guy, six foot, covered in tattoos. He had just moved from utah, or illinois or somewhere else unimportant. He asked me for my snapchat, which ws already a flag because he was 26 and no one except someone over the age of 12, a soccer mom that's had a little too much wine, or a celebrity uses it; but I let it slide. So he's sending me pics and it looks like he's outside. He's sitting in a tent and so I'm like, "oh are you camping? that's fun. Don't let me keep you from anything". He's all, "No I live in a tent". Come to find out he had no job, no car and was living in a tent on someone's property. He was a homeless man. Now, how I found hopefully the only homeless man on tinder is beside me, but the weirdest part is how he had a phone still and also how he thought he could pick up chicks. Like did he think as a date i would let him shower at my place? Or was he thinking my ass would get fully dressed up in make up and heels just to spend the night in his tent? Would he make me bring my own firewood and sleeping bag? My own can of beans?  My experiences with men are pretty much summed up by this interaction alone. My first date ever, I showed up at this guy's house and it was infested with rabbits. I am talking ten or twelve. Then he took me up to his room to watch a movie, door open because this was high school and I had never even seen a condom before and his mom was downstairs watching something with jennfier aniston in it. His room was COVERED in pictures of his ex girlfriend. Pictures she drew of them, gifts she gave him, pictures of them together etc. SO, I was so uncomfortable but I was thinking it was probably just because he was too lazy to take them down. I was so wrong. So, so very wrong. Let me preface this by saying this was my first date, EVER. I had no idea what it was supposed to be like. He was a quarter back and he was all in shape and tan and that was pretty much all I knew about it. He had a really cliché rich white name and he was one of the only sophomores with a car and no curfew. He was a real bad boy. So after my date I got approached by his ex girlfriend at a party. She then told me that he was sending pictures of me while I wasn't looking to her and telling her how great of a time he was having and how he didn't need her. This was my first god damn date. I just cannot believe the progress I have made in the 5 years I have been dating. I never dated in middle school because i wore blue eyeliner and had a perm in the late 200s. I was really setting myself up to fail to begin with. I had one relationship that lasted three years. There is this funny thing about guys where they start out pretty normal and then after they really get comfortable they start to cheat on you and go crazy. It is just the weirdest thing. It's like the gremlins except instead of not feeding them after midnight you provide the with emotional stability and all the love in your hard. Big mistake ladies, Am I right? This guy I dated was so much fun. There was one time he told me I was absolutely perfect. He would tell me "Everything about you is perfect, except you could use a boob job". look, I will be the first to say i have the littlest titties in america, but I'll be damned if you dont appreciate them. They are like one piece of chocolate or the very back row of seats of a concert. You're just glad you got a little taste of your favorite thing, okay? I am like the bronze medal you get at a sporting event. Bitch you should just be happy you got any trophy at all. This guy was a real whackadoodle. He would cheat on me and then not let me go out with dudes, or ladies, bisexual pride woot woot, because he thought i would cheat to get back at him. But jokes on him because nobody likes me and I also didn't have any friends. I ended up breaking up with him because he was obviously terrible and he decided to stalk me. All i could think about when he would harass my family and try and show up at my school and had his parents blow up my phone is, "now you miss my lil tities?" who was gonna pay for all this shit in the first place? where did he think i was gonna get the fucking money for this? I am a broke college student, I drive a car that sounds like an eighty year old at the back of a movie theater coughing and I work at a restaurant where everyone is so stoned, it's like I'm at in the middle of portland on a saturday night. I go to the university of oregon. A very fun school, full of people who have no interest in talking to me. In their defense half the time I have my headphones in and I am crying so I guess it's just in everyone's best interest to not get into it. I am a psychology major, which I call the boring white girl major. I got into it to become a sex therapist, mostly because I am not having any and really want to find out if there's a book on how to make people not continuously reject you, but also because sex is a hard topc and I talk about it like a human urban dictionary. The worst part about the university is the talking. There was one time I had a 200 person anthropology class and these girls from a sorority who all obviously took the class together to cheat and not do anything ever, were describing their friend tiffany or gemma or some other rich fake tanned name's vomit. The color, texture, smell, everything. They were analyzing what she had eaten the previous morning and all the alcohol she mixed and all I could think was, " if you spent half as much time talking about your friend samantha's vomit as you would listening you wouldn't be failing this class and self medicating with alcohol to the point where you throw up because youre a bunch of clemintine sharp nailed looking green beans". Like i pay too much to listen to you explain the thong you bought and how it chafes your butthole when you dry hump alex from the frat across the street who is also fucking tina with the fake nose and even though he gave you clamydia six months ago, you trust him now you know? I own one bra and one pencil. I am wearing two completely different socks, one is a knee high and the other is an ankle one. Whenever I am hungry i dont go to sushi, I go to bed. So please Gretchen from Bitch, Bump &grind and beyond stop and let me at least get a C so I can land a job that makes me 12 dollars an hour and I can be poor in a different setting. I work full time and go to school. I am not like most millenials. I don't have time to eat avocado toast or catch HPV. At my little restaurant in junction city, the staff is absolutely questionable. I was the first girl there who was single and under the age of 40, so naturally I became bate for every man in society you hope you never run into in life. The first was our host. He looked like bowzer from mario if he were a white middle class man. He was shaped like a tear drop, so his head was small and oddly shaped and the rest of him just got wider and rounder as you went down. He always wore the same button down shirt, I think to try and impress me, but like it was his only button down shirt. Anyways, he is what I call the lingerer. If you are a woman who has ever had a man like you at work, you know exactly what I am talking about. He would follow around, but like at a creepy slow distance and he would stare at me until he thought i was looking and then looked away. He would also reach over or around me just so he could be close to me. It's weird and painful to watch. He also asked my sister, who also works there, if i was a lesbian because i wasnt immediately interested in him. Let me digress for a moment and say that just because a woman rejects you doesnt mean she loves only vagina. It usually means you arent a good person, or she just doesnt wanna date, or she has a boyfriend already, or you have no common interests, or she doesnt want to mix work with her personal life or maybe she has something personal against blonde guys, white guys, guys with glasses, she dated someone with your name and its weird, she has a lot of issues with touching, you have weird hands, you have bad breath, you are bad at your job, she is asexual, or THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON SHE JUST DOESNT LIKE YOU AT ALL EVER. Men are so vapid about that sometimes. Anyways, he gave me a cash tip off one of my tables and I, trying to be civil was all, "oh i love free money thank you" trying to relate to him because he seemed like the type to bring a gun to work and I really wasnt in the mood to get shot or followed out to my car so i gotta keep is civil you know? so apparently you cannot be friends with sexual predators because then he gets all close and whispers in my ear "is that how I get in your pants, by throwing money at you?". The tip he gave me was only five dollars. If is ass thought having sex with me would cost only five dollars, he has no idea how bad inflation is or how much i spend on amazon a month. Also, even with my little titties and cellulite, no amount of money would let me fuck a guy who looked like barnie the dinosaur if he were a white pale ghost. I have very low standards, but they exist for sure. somewhere. deep down. The next guy i had was this old cook. he was 65 and he cooked in the morning. His wife was obviously dead, in his basement or both because he was always saying nasty things to me. He told me that if he were forty years younger he would hire me as his kid's babysitter so he could fuck me. He also told me he was extremely attracted to me and terrified of me at the same time. He one time came up to me and asked me what i had in my front seat because i was hiding something under a coat. He has rotted out teeth and children older than me. It is men like those guys that make me think, "am I really that bad to the point this is as good as it gets?

4218

923pm

It’s been a while. So for that, there is quite a lot to catch up on. However, like always, I’ll just write until I don’t want to anymore. Don’t care for spelling, grammar, correct sentence phrasing, any of that, just my thoughts.

I want to start off by saying that while im writing this I took about half/quarter of a tab about 45 min ago. Just for the concentration. Also, so I could probably get super intense and “deep” with what I write. Im also listening to Periphery in the background and it’s nice. The amount of acid I took wasnt much...at most it was 50ugs. I used the rest of it from microdosing. Hell, I might not even feel it since I microdosed today lmao. Nonetheless, placebo never hurt anybody right? lol. And if the acid doesnt work I got some coffee

Since I last posted, back in November, shit went FUCKING DOWNNN. Since November, Royce and my mom split, we got a new house, quit my job at panera and I failed 3/4ths of my classes that semester. Royce left because of some selfish reason of how it was “god’s plan” for him to turn over houses, and my mom didnt want to deal with that so she left his ass. I got pretty fucking sad over failing my classes, as you could see I was ranting and raving how much I despised college back in November but reality got kicked into gear when I failed. Kinda sucks. My mindset was ridiculous back then, and it still is now, however back then, it was intimately superficial. However, the deeper I got with philosophy and spirituality and all that shit, I kinda wanted to step up my game. 

Weird shit can happen to you, and weird thoughts come into play when you’re naive. And like, Im still 19. Im not granted with all this wisdom but I respect and value education. Knowledge. Discomfort. You see, how amazing would it be to just, trip on shrooms or L every few weeks, thinking about your life and thinking about all the crazy questions in life and actually have it set. How amazing would it be to smoke weed and do the same thing, everyday? Seems great, however, that isnt the best way to live. I lived it and honestly im still kinda living it. I quit working so the only obligation really I have is school and thats every other day. Living thankfully from my tax return and financial aid reimbursement. But even that is spent on shit like weed, which I blow through pretty quick. 

I italicized the word discomfort from the last paragraph because a lot of my role models talk about that, PsychedSubstance, and especially Jordan Peterson have spread that message. And like, that message is honestly everywhere “no pain, no gain” “smooth sails dont make good sailors(something like that)”, I mean, it’s everywhere. But, I took a good look into it and kinda really get the meaning of it. That’s what I like to do, I like to grab ideas by the crouch and examine tf outta them. Nonetheless, the discomfort idea is pretty solid. Jordan Peterson elaborates on the synonym of suffering though.

+Trip report: I think I kinda am feeling it, very slight visual distortions and lighting intensity. 

Anyways! Thats another thing Id like to talk about, psychedelics. I mean, when do i not, but, I told myself and my girlfriend (we’re still together and we’re going pretty good! In fact we’ve gotten much much closer since November) that I would  take a break from psychedelics after I had a 5g shroom trip that was wayyyy too intense for me. I said I wouldn’t do hallucinogens until april 8th, and guess what? I didnt fall through. Because guess what? It isnt april 8th yet. In fact I’ve microdosed twice. Sooooo, I broke that promise. And that brings in a problem, who do i go to when I cant tell my girlfriend stuff? Why cant i?  Why are there some things that I should keep private and why am i keeping this a secret? I dont know but it feels much better to type this out than to live without it being somewhere.   So youre probably thinking how I couldnt keep my word, well let me tell you a story and end with a self analysis.

So about a week ago I got back into town from visiting the day with my grandmother/aunt/cousin/mother for my grandmother’s birthday bash. I was pretty bummed I had to go (even though i had a pretty good time there, we played scategories, it was fun) because i was missing emo night in daytona! Well, I got back into town enough to see half of it and my friend Mashal ( i bought L off of him before, me and him are pretty good acquaintances) asked me if i wanted a tab. I was like “aw hell yeah but I dont have any $” and he was like “its fine bro here you go enjoy” 

So right when i got it i was ecstatic. It’s like i couldnt wait until april 8th. It was in my hand, I couldve tripped that night, but i knew i had a promise to keep. A promise id eventually break but, it gave me so much more passion in life. The hobby of reading about trip reports, about being able to trip again, it was just. So.Fucking.Interesting. like honestly, tripping is so profound. I mean hell, Im on a little bit of acid rn. 

And that leads me to the analysis and honestly I dont know if thats good or bad. I dont know what to think about that. Because i know my attitude shifted considerably from no desire to trip to wanting to trip hella bad. Getting back into trip reports, reading about different combos with weed and other substances. I missed it. And honestly, that kind of worries me a bit. Because my passion is what? Learning about and doing psychedelics? 

It’s so weird because I tripped a lot last winter, once every few weeks, if not every one to two weeks. And even though it was so profound, I got HPPD. And i think that really fucked with my brain. Theres this fog i get in my head, foggy/cloudy mindset. Where focusing, thinking, talking, doing stuff is a bit more...complex than it is usually. I think i suffered a bit of disassociation too. I would constantly think I wasnt myself, that maybe I was just some vessel, or some robot just doing mundane tasks. It was the weirdest feeling ever. However, I was going through a lot like...I was pretty fucking sad. So HPPD with depression wasnt the best. I was sad I was moving, I was sad my parents broke up, and I was especially sad over failing my classes, and...i also got into two car crashes, both within a month. So, I felt like doodoo. But which came first? the chicken or the egg? Did i get sad because of the psychedlics and then had a crash or did i have a crash and then get super sad? either way, i was a mess. And leaving psychedelics out  was uncomfortable because I remember doing shrooms once because I  had problems to fix. But my mood and my mind couldnt handle psychedelics. And I dismissed them, but after Mashal gave me that tab, I felt the same passion I had last winter over psychedelics again. And I was just so happy that I would trip again soon. 

So that happened. In fact, April 7th is when im planning on tripping, Kyle (ex panera employee also Journeys best friend...crazy!) is planning on coming over to journeys and we gonna trip, smoke weed, and chill and I told him i wanted to go see nature and stuff. Im also on a break from weed so when I do smoke on saturday, my tolerance will be 0 and I will have an intense af experience. Im ready. 

Also, this is my like, 3rd night at my mom’s house, and 1st night with the computer back. So maybe ill hit you guys up later with maybe something more thought out, but this is my entry! till next time

CHAPTER ONE When do you know that you are broken? I mean literally at a point where nothing anyone could do would fix things, would fix... You. I dont know why I am the way I am exactly but I know I have lived a far from normal life. I lost both my parents by the time I was 13. Thats where my story starts. Not because I want to emphasize the impact it had on me emotionally, mentally, or physically but because I honestly dont remember a lot before that time. Have you ever watched a movie while you were half asleep and fell asleep and the next day you remember bits and pieces but cant make sense of it? Well, that was my childhood. I guess I subconsciously blocked out a lot. Anyway... It was February 11th, 3 days before valentines day... I didnt come from a wealthy family so we couldnt always afford to do the fun stuff when it came down to school events and whatever.... This time was different. My mom was a diehard romantic, the kind that read those cheezy novels from the grocery store and the kind that would waltz around the living room with me and tell me how one day I would make someone the luckiest girl in the world. (You get an A for effort mom, not exactly the most accurate statement but it was a nice gesture.) Well, my heart fueled mother convinced my dad to let us get me a tux for the Valentines Day dance. I was excited. That actually doesnt do it justice, I was ecstatic. I had only been to one other dance at that point in my life and it was "5th quarter" some lame ass dance they did every friday after the football games. This one was different. I was in 6th grade, this was the biggest dance of the year for that grade, and Nikki (my first crush) was going, and she didnt have a date! (later she broke my heart by hooking up with one of my friends, moreless right in front of me. But that story is for another time...) Nikki was cute, extremely cute. She had straight blonde hair, was very petite, and was kinda shy. Ive always had a thing for shy girls, the intimacy that comes with them opening up about anything always made me feel sorta important I guess or loved or like I mattered, it made me feel something when I had gotten so used to nothing, ever. I had first period with her though, I wasnt popular or athletic or anything so I was entirely too nervous to say anything to her but I was going to make a move at the dance. I dont remember much about school that day but I remember waving at her in the hall and she gave me an amazing grin and blushed. I was restless with anticipation the rest of the day. My dad was out of town at the time. He drove a truck long distances to support two sisters, my mother, and myself and would been gone for over a week at times. My mom ("Mommy", yea I was a mommys boy) picked me up from school that day. We went home and spoke to my sister Lynsey briefly and then left for preperations, she was 3 years older than me and my family was pretty cool with the amount of trust they put into us so she had the house to her self until we were back. She didnt want to go because it wasnt important to her, I dont remember what she said but it broke my heart that she didnt care about the only real thing I had ever been genuinely interested in on top of the fact that it moreless downplayed my first romantic experience into something undesirable... I am truly grateful that my "little" big sister stayed home. We lived right off the only major higway that ran smack through the middle of the 4 cities in the area, just behind the local radio station, the tux rental shop was about 15 minutes away. My mom had already made arrangements for me to try on several of the more popular styles. (She was almost as excited as me... I may have told her about Nikki) She really was amazing, I was her only son and my Nana had told me about how my mother had wanted a little boy since she was playing with dolls as a girl. (I was her miracle and she dedicated her life to me, ... maybe a bit much as my sisters constantly accused me of being the favorite.) She was very chatty about the night on the ride there, motherly advice with girls and such... I was a bit embarrassed but I actually listened even though I was pretendinding to ignore her the whole time. I had to maintain what little sense of pride I had in at least being cooler than my parents... (Even though they were OG hippies and how TF did I compete with people that were so confident that they could smoke weed and fuck in the middle of a crowd...) She told me to be a gentleman and be nice to all girls but to make the obe I was interested in the center of my focus but not be so focused that I make her feel as if she was being watched. She explained that it was a difficult thing to master but she had confidence I was capable. She gave me a lot of other tips but my mind wandered as I stared out the window, my ruse was phasing to reality because adrenaline was kicking in more and more as the time passed. I eventually wasnt listening. This is the first time I have ever told anyone about this specific memory, it was kinda a personal keepsake but whats the point anymore... The last words I ever heard my mother actually speak in person were "Are you excited baby boy? I love seeing you like this!". Baby Boy was my mothers secret nickname for me. I didn't like being called a baby because I was the youngest and I was often excluded from things due to my age. She told me in confidence that being the youngest was a blessing because it meant that everyone else was there to teach me how to make things better than it was for them and that I would always be her baby boy. I still got mad when anyone else even mentioned the word baby in reference to me. It happened fast. It actually took me years to remember bits and pieces... Loud crunching noises. Grass. Mud. Bright lights and screeching. A large patch of grey leather. Red. A lot of red. Black. A man? Angel? Demon? "You're gonne be ok, we are going on a little ride. Have you ever flown before?" I couldnt speak. I could barely breathe. More black. I was unconscious for almost 2 months. We had been in an accident and as you have likely gathered my mom didnt make it. Someone had pulled out in front of us and in an attempt to avoid the accident she swerved to the left lane but there was another driver at the back left corner of our vehicle in her blind spot. She clipped them and it caused us to drive directly into the median. It was a large ditch. My beautiful, amazing, nothing to give but love mother died instantly on impact and I was crushed and mangled into a pile of broken bones and flesh. They told me I was "lucky". I did not feel lucky. I never have. It was another month after I woke up from the coma before they even told me anything. I was in intensive care, on more drugs than should ever be given to an 11 year old child, concussed, and had just been in a coma for weeks but I vividly remembering asking "Wheres Mommy?" when I woke up. My Dad had to leave the room and I didnt understand why at the time. I thought he didnt want to see me because I was damaged. I think this was the first time I ever actually felt lonely. The next week was a lot of laying in bed constantly being told not to move much and being fed morphine intravenously on the hour. Sometimes it would make me sleep, sometimes it would numb me a little but I still hurt a lot but my Dad stayed by my bed the entire time day and night and the "man" in me kept quiet to show him how tough I was. I hadnt been able to spend this much time with my dad in years. I loved it as much as I hated it. It was nearly a month before they told me about my Mom, after I was moved out of the ICU. I remember when my dad told me. He had someone stand outside and not let anyone in under any circumstance. I thought his instructions were odd but I still didnt understand. I screamed. It was a mixture of crying and screaming and sobbing. When my dad let me know about the accident and my mothers fate I thought I would literally die from the emotional pain. I had never had an emptiness like this before and it was devastating. My balance was thrown off. I actually felt like I was falling. My dad had to call in a nurse because I went into a panic attack, I suppose this is why they had kept it from me for so long. I didnt care what their reason was. I had been betrayed and lied to every day, every time I asked, every time I begged to see my mommy... This was the first time I remember feeling resentment, and it was towards the people I loved. Let me be clear, I understand their reasoning but look at things from the perspective of an 11 year old boy that had almost no friends except his mom. I was hurt by the ones closest to me. How do you live with that as one of your earliest memories? My new temporary home, Huntsville Childrens Hospital. The most polite hell one could ever ask for. Nearly a full year of pretending to be happy to see someone every time they came to remind me that I would never see my best friend, my mother again. A year of getting cut on, turned into a cyborg(I mean technically they screwed metal onto my body, so yeah... ), and various types of physical therapy before getting to go "home" (Im not sure if I can ever be at home again, not then not ever...). For real, I had to learn to walk again, more on that later though. In an instant and the few short months that followed my life was changed forever and I was thrown into experiences and emotions that no person should ever have to face. But I faced them, I had determination that was picked up off the old man but I had something else that few will understand. For those that do I am truly sorry, for whatever tragedy has befallen you it altered the very base foundation of your structure or so to speak it changed you completely and the person you were before is gone. Im talking about that trapped feeling like you are being held hostage by the world. You wake up, participate, dredge through life with no purpose, and prepare yourself to do the same again the next day. Because you have to. This feeling controls you and turns you into its slave. Everything loses meaning including relationships. I survived by dying. To be continued...