Seasons
Copyright โธ 2023 by Moonjxsung
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner. Doing so will result in a legal takedown per the Digital Millennium Copyright Act and is subject to legal action.
Pairing: Lee Felix x fem reader
W/c: 24.1k
Warnings: mentions of death, mentions of a hospital, alcohol, smoking, erotic photography, use of pet names, clitoral stimulation, breast/nipple play, unprotected sex, creampie, dry humping, sex in a semi-public place (no one is around), oral sex (fem receiving), fingering, cum eating
Synopsis: Seasons come and go like your love for Felix once did- but when he reappears in your life several years later, things are much different.
[this work was based off a request from @crookedt44th - thank you for requesting!]
18+. Mdni!
โข
Small town at the edge of the world. 11:30am. A Tuesday in Autumn.
If you told the average person to shut their eyes and think of their favorite city, theyโd probably conjure up a lengthy description about the booming skyscrapers, the bumper-to-bumper traffic, the fancy restaurants and the well-kept people. Point it out on a map, youโd tell them, and their finger would land in the heart of the amorphous blob of whatever state theyโve chosen.
Now move your finger to the right- keep going, and going, and donโt stop until youโre almost off the map entirely. There will be no major indicators, no colorful dots on this area of the map. You might miss it, in fact, if you shoot too far.
Thatโs the town of Ember.
A town so insignificant, the only name they could think to give it was based on the fire that plagued it almost 50 years ago, which begged the question to those in neighboring cities- who even lives there?
Famous for absolutely nothing of importance, population who-knows-these-days, nothing to do and nowhere to go.
And the place you call home.
*
โPieces of a Dream. 1970โs.โ
โYellow,โ your manager responds, and you unravel a bulky roll of discount stickers, thumbing one off the adhesive and placing it gently in the corner of the plastic-wrapped vinyl.
โThe rest of those should be discounted,โ he says, quickly shuffling through the stack and giving them a little slap with the palm of his hand.
He slides the stack over to you, taking his spot on the wooden stool by the register again and flipping through a stack of pages on his clipboard.
Chris, your manager, has been the owner of Ember Records for the better part of a decade now. He succeeds his fatherโs role as store owner, who succeeded his fatherโs role, back when the record shop wasnโt mostly lost to the fire. Since its relocation, itโs much smaller, so youโve heard, only about half the shelf space available to house the generous collection of records his great grandfather used to collect and sell.
This is one of just a handful of shops around here, located in the heart of the tourist attraction that is the townโs square. Thus, youโre well-acquainted with the baristas from the coffee shop across the street, the waiters at the diner, the librarians and even the car mechanics. Youโre all familiar with the businesses you run to keep this town on its feet, many of you having chosen to stay here for a simpler life.
โI dig the grays,โ you tell Chris, crossing your arms as you lean against the counter and slide him the finished stack of tagged vinyl.
He sighs, cocking his head and uncapping his pen between his teeth. โThey creep up on you when you least expect it. You know this shit costs like, hundreds to get dyed?โ
โLeave it,โ you say to him, giving a small nod as you speak. โIt makes you look more mature. I mean, what does Yena think of it?โ
โShe loves it,โ he says, catching a glimpse of his reflection in one of the glass cases and running his hands through his hair. โBut sheโd also love if I shaved my eyebrows off. Sheโll compliment anything.โ
โThen shave your eyebrows,โ you say, chuckling, as you stuff your phone in the back pocket of your jeans. โYouโre lucky to have a wife whoโs so supportive of your decisions. Iโm taking my lunch!โ
โYeah, yeah,โ Chris says, laughing as he shakes his head. โOh, and Yena left you some pie in the back room.โ
โTell her thank you!โ You call over your shoulder as you make your way to the back.
The back room is just a glorified storage closet, one dingy table pushed up against the wall, one wooden chair and shelves of records that need to be pushed out to the sales floor, or shouldโve just been burned in the fire. You have to duck your head to not hit it on the hanging pendant lamp, its bulb buzzing concerningly loud as you take your seat and pry open the Tupperware container Yena left for you in the fridge- cherry pie, your favorite, from the diner down the street where she works.
As you take generous bites of your first meal of the day, you shuffle through a stack of records neglected on the table from last weekโs donation. There are a myriad of genres- old jazz bands, electronic records, synth pop and even a few ambient pieces. As you flip over one of the covers, Chris calls to you from the front, his voice echoing around the dingy little storage closet.
โY/n! I need you to come help out!โ
And you sigh, promptly shutting the Tupperware closed again and making your way out to the front.
Thatโs the thing about this job- itโs small, but itโs busy, the hundreds of records demanding your very precise attention at any given moment of the day. You live to serve the people here, suggesting records to those seeking new sounds or curiously peering at genres unknown to them. And tourists are drawn to the place, often leaving with armfuls of old vinyl to add to their collections. Itโs not a town theyโll likely ever visit again, youโre well aware, but the shop allows people to take a little piece of Ember with them wherever they go. And though the lack of grandiosity might not bring them back, your attentiveness to detail and passion for music sometimes do.
*
โCoffee?โ Yena asks you, as you slide into the familiar spot of your favorite booth, next to the window in her diner. She saunters over with the pot anyway, setting a little white mug down in front of you and filling the cup halfway.
โThanks,โ you reply, already tearing open packs of creamer.
At half past 8, the record shop closes in only an hour, Chris taking on the role of closing procedures in your absence. Itโs a routine life you lead, tending to the record shop by day and basking in the townโs simple pleasures by nighttime. And with all the people you love in it, you have no reason to leave, no rush to migrate elsewhere.
โHowโs work?โ Yena asks, sliding into the booth across from you and pulling a notepad out from her apron. She flips through the pages, stopping on a blank one and adding up her tips for the evening.
โFine,โ you say to her, taking a generous sip of coffee. โJust mostly repeat customers for today. But we did have a pretty hefty donation, so thatโs a plus.โ
โAnything good?โ She questions, without looking up from her notepad.
โNegative. A lot of older stuff I used to listen to in high school.โ
Yena finishes tallying up her tips, shutting her notepad and finally meeting your gaze.
โHey, if thatโs old, then Iโm ancient.โ
You both laugh, and she keeps her gaze on you for a moment before speaking again.
โGosh, I still remember when you moved here. You were soโฆ wide-eyed. And quiet.โ
โI was so lost,โ you say with a small chuckle. โI donโt even think I knew how to work a record player.โ
โAnd now look at you,โ she emphasizes, gesturing to your face. โYou just seemโฆ happy these days.โ
She smiles for a moment, before gathering the empty cups of creamer off the table and sliding out of the booth.
โI hope youโll stay here, if it means youโre always going to be this happy.โ
You smile to yourself as she begins back toward the kitchen, humming to herself.
โWasnโt planning on leaving!โ You call out, and without turning around, she gives you a thumbs up before disappearing into the kitchen again.
*
Some days, your shifts feel like 5 minutes. Other days, they feel like 5 days. Today is the latter, the clock on the wall above the register ticking away by the second, and yet seemingly no closer to the end of your day. Youโre on closing procedures this evening, Chris and Yena having taken the day off to have a much overdue date night. And itโs empty, like it usually is on Wednesday evenings, not a soul in sight as the town tends to their own duties, the tourists all working busy jobs in the city.
You slouch your shoulders over the wooden stool, dusting off a pile of folk records and shuffling through them, admiring the intricate paintings on the covers. Itโs one of your favorite things about working here- locating the beautiful paintings and photographs that graze the covers of records, all of them vastly different from one another, but equally as evocative. You trace your fingertips over what appears to be a Polish record, a couple dressed in fancy colorful fabrics as he dips her into a bow. You canโt help but wonder what the atmosphere would be like if they were here in front of you, the whole room teeming with the choral ensemble as theyโd tap their fancy shoes along the tile flooring and invite you to dance, too. The thought circles your mind with a smile, and you barely hear the next customer enter when they do.
The little gold bell hanging on the door chimes just once when they enter, indicating the arrival of a man, who promptly rushes to the back shelf without so much as a hello. Welcome, I guess, you want to say, dismissing their curtness with a shake of your head as you go back to organizing records.
You shuffle to the next record, admiring the black and white photo of a man with his guitar, a panama hat atop his curly head of hair as he sings into a microphone. It reminds you of the ones your dad used to collect before he passed.
โExcuse me?โ A voice interrupts, and you practically jump, startled at the way he navigates the shop without a sound. Heโs right in front of the register now, holding a CD in his hands and setting it down in front of you.
โIโd like to pay,โ he continues, his baritone voice sounding painfully uninviting.
Without looking up at him, you take the CD from the counter, flipping it over to scan the barcode on the front. Four Decades of Jazz, the cover simply displaying the title in funky purple block text.
โThis oneโs actually on clearance,โ you say, sliding the CD into a small paper bag. โJust 5.โ
He pulls out a brown leather wallet, flipping through crisp bills as he searches for exact change. As he does, you take notice of the collection of silver rings that decorate his shorter fingers, a few of them painted with chipping black nail polish. Your gaze fixates on a thicker silver band, carved with black fleur de lis patterns that circle the band all the way around. You cock your head slightly, mapping out the pattern in your head as his hands move, the ring glistening under a beam of light that shines through the window and sets it aglow.
โIt was a gift,โ the man says when he notices you staring, and he holds out his index finger, rotating his finger to give you the full view.
You say nothing, your lips parting slightly as he does, transfixed by the way the silver hugs his finger and frames his veiny hands. The man stays silent, his gaze on the ring, too, as he pulls it off with a gentle tug and holds it up for you to see.
โDo you want to see it?โ He asks, pinching the band between the pads of his fingers as he rotates it under the same beam of sunlight.
โNo, thank you,โ you reply, your mind still in a trance. โIt justโฆ reminds me ofโฆโ and your voice trails off, finally allowing your gaze to look up and meet the strangerโs.
His big brown eyes seem to widen when you finally lock eyes, his plump lips parting open as he scrambles to pull the ring back on.
โSomething,โ is all you can utter, folding the brown paper bag once in your hands and sliding it across the counter. โIt reminds me of somebody I used to know.โ
His breath hitches his throat as he finds the words to say, unable to string together a cohesive sentence as memories run rampant in his mind, everything coming back to him like a painful wound being reopened.
โSorry,โ is all he can say, clutching the brown bag in one hand as he gives you a small nod. โAnd thanks. For the CD. Or for ringing me up, rather. Thank you-โ
โYouโre welcome,โ you reply briskly, pivoting on your heel to organize a stack of already-sorted records on the shelf behind you.
And you can still feel him there for a moment, his gaze boring into the back of your head like he wants to say something. But he doesnโt, instead observing the way your hair, a little shorter than heโd previously remembered it, sways gently in its ponytail as you go about your job.
You listen to the way the brown paper bag crumples in his grasp, before he finally retreats and exits, the little bell above the door indicating his departure.
And when you turn around again, there on the counter, his silver ring sits, glistening in the waning glint of the evening sun.
*
โThe lattes are so expensive out there,โ Yena says, as she takes a sip from her iced coffee. โIโd drink this gas station coffee any day over that stuff.โ
You chuckle lightly, shaking your head as you wipe down the counter with a rag. Chris counts change in the register beside you, muttering counts to himself as he scribbles onto his clipboard and listens to your conversations.
โBut hey, we still had a good time,โ Yena continues, smiling over at Chris. โSometimes leaving this town keeps you on your toes.โ
โYeah, well, Iโm on my toes enough here as it is,โ you respond, the three of you chuckling lightly amongst each other.
The bell atop the door chimes once, signifying the arrival of a new customer, and Chris gestures to the door as you look up.
โAll you,โ he says, going back to his work.
You fold the rag neatly, setting it on the counter and making your way over to the clearance aisle where the stranger stands. His back is turned toward you, his lanky frame towering over stacks of CDs as he thumbs through them casually.
โCan I help you find anything?โ You chime in, your hands behind your back as you watch him. As you speak, he turns to face you, and you breathe a deep sigh of annoyance.
โSeriously?โ You say, already retreating back to the counter again and turning away from him.
โWait,โ he calls, rushing after you and standing in front of the counter awkwardly. Chris looks up from his clipboard, furrowing his brows together as Yena shoots him an equally questioning look.
โI donโt have anything to say to you,โ you respond, unfolding the rag again and wiping down the register.
โHey, hey,โ Chris says, giving you a confused look.
โDonโt worry about it,โ you say to Chris through gritted teeth, brushing off the interaction.
โI just wanted to-โ the man begins, as he looms behind the counter, fiddling with his fingers nervously.
โWhy would you come back?โ You question, not looking at him still. โWasnโt one time awkward enough?โ
โI left my ring,โ he finally says, dropping his hands at his sides.
Both your gazes fall to your hands, where the silver band rests comfortably on your index finger, almost like itโs always been yours.
โYeah, whatever,โ you reply, pulling it off and sliding it across the counter to him. โHere.โ
He doesnโt say anything, not yet reaching for the ring, nor telling you to put it back on. A part of him is fascinated at the prospect you chose to wear it around at all.
The silence that falls over the shop is painfully awkward, Chris and Yena keeping their gazes locked between the two of you as you angrily scrub at a stain on the counter.
โHey,โ Chris says, finally pulling the rag from your grasp. โYouโre scratching the wood, kiddo.โ
โIf no one wants that ring, give it here,โ Yena says with a smile.
The ring is slowly lifted from the counter again, slid back onto the finger of its respective owner.
โWeโll give you guys a minute,โ Chris says, motioning to the back room with the tilt of his head. And Yena follows him to the back, the till of the register balanced in his arms.
โWhat do you want?โ You ask, finally meeting his gaze again. โIโm working right now.โ
His face drops a little, giving you a small shrug before he speaks.
โI was just wondering how you were doing. And I thought-โ
โFelix,โ you say brazenly, your heartbeat quickening a little at the feeling of his name leaving your lips again after so long. โCut the small talk. Just tell me why youโre here.โ
He sighs as he fiddles with the band around his finger, the metal still warm from the contact against your skin.
โThatโs it,โ he explains. โI didnโt expect to see you here. And I wondered how you were doing.โ
โSo leaving your ring here wasnโt an elaborate plan to come back for it?โ
โItโฆ was,โ he says sheepishly. โI needed an excuse to come see you again.โ
โWe sell records,โ you emphasize. โThatโs the only reason you should be here. And if itโs not, then leave.โ
โY/n,โ Felix says frustratedly. His eyebrows arch up in an almost pleading manner, his lips quivering as he struggles to find the words to say.
Itโs the first time you take notice of his changed appearance, completely opposite to the Felix you last spoke to. His once blonde locks are grown out, grazing over his bony shoulders, a robust shade of ebony that contrasts against his pale skin, tied up into a half ponytail. His plump lips glisten under a glossy coat of peach tint, and his freckles are almost unnoticeable from this distance. You furrow your brows to get a better look, trying to make out the beige constellations you remember so well. But you canโt locate them- not on his nose, or his cheeks or even around his eyes.
He dresses differently, too, a baggy white tank top under a black leather vest, almost too big for him as it swallows his lean figure. And he flaunts a hefty collection of silver jewelry- rings, rows of ear piercings, a chain link bracelet and layered necklaces. If you didnโt know his eyes like the back of your own hand, you mightโve not even recognized him to be Felix.
โWhat are you doing here, anyway?โ You finally ask, your voice softening a little as he toys with the rings on his fingers.
โThis is my favorite place for CDs,โ he responds, his shoulders relaxing a little as he speaks. โI used to come here every weekend back in high school. I didnโt know you worked here now, I promise Iโm not trying to make things weird.โ
You sigh a little, shifting your eyes to the shelves and then back at him.
โWell what are you doing here now? Shouldnโt you be in school or something?โ
Felix shrugs a little, his expression unchanging. โItโs complicated, I guess.โ And then he furrows his brows at you, gesturing to the shop. โI could ask you the same question.โ
โItโs complicated,โ you reply, echoing his statement back at him. โAnd Iโm not in the mood to indulge you with the story of my life.โ
โI have time,โ Felix says with a chuckle, and heโs met with your deafening silence.
โSorry,โ he follows, fiddling again with the rings on his fingers.
As you begin to ask him to leave, Chris and Yena enter from the back room again, carefully making their way toward you with hands shoved in their pockets.
โHey,โ Yena says, nudging you gently. โEverything okay, you guys?โ
โYes,โ Felix is quick to chime in. โMy apologies- Iโm Felix,โ he says with a beaming smile, holding out his hand to shake Yena and Chrisโ. They comply, exchanging warm smiles with him, still confused at why you seem so irate.
โIโm sorry to disrupt the peace,โ Felix continues, giving them a little bow. โWeโre just-โ
โOld friends,โ you interrupt, rolling your eyes at this act he puts on. โAnd he was just leaving.โ
โRight,โ Felix says, his lips pulling into a disheartened expression.
โY/n doesnโt bring too many friends around here,โ Chris chimes in. โWhatโs the rush to leave?โ He chuckles as he finishes, and Yena hits him lightly as if signaling for him to stop.
โActually,โ Felix begins, and you sigh when you realize heโs not done talking yet. โI was wondering if you wanted to grab dinner, or a coffee or something.โ
โFelix, I really donโt think-โ
โItโs on me if you wanna come to the diner tomorrow,โ Yena chimes in. โWe still have leftover pie.โ
And you pinch the bridge of your nose, sighing deeply as Felix stares at you with a hopeful expression. His eyes are big, gauging your response curiously as you shift your gaze amongst the three of them. Chris watches Yena, who holds her breath as you think. And Felixโs lip seems to quiver when you open your mouth to speak.
โNo dinner. Just coffee. And Chris covers my closing shift.โ
*
Felix is at the diner much earlier than you are, comfortably reserving a spot for you on a table in the middle of the room and allowing Yena to fill your mugs with hot coffee. He adds three packs of sugar, two cups of creamer and a dollop of whipped cream he requests from Yena. And he waits for you patiently, stacking the spare cups of creamer into an organized pyramid, in between nervous glances out the window.
Yena wants to ask who he is exactly- why youโd seemed so off yesterday, and whether heโs here for a reason, or just to catch up as the old friends you claim to be. But she refrains, knowing to stay out of your business the way you so graciously stay out of hers.
โMore coffee?โ Yena asks as she approaches Felix, taking note of the near empty mug in front of him now.
โSure,โ Felix replies, shooting her a nervous smile. His hands tremble a little as he shoves the pyramid of creamers away from him, pretending to look occupied with his phone instead.
Yena fills his mug to the brim again, sliding him the mug across the table and giving him an empathetic look.
โIโm sure sheโll be here,โ Yena says, nodding affirmatively. โSheโs usually a little late getting off work.โ
And Felix just nods, keeping his gaze on the giant glass windows. Outside, the sun has already set for the evening, darkened skies casting over the little square of Ember. The streets are sparse at this hour, just a few pedestrians who also flock here after their shifts, and the diner is fairly empty with the exception of a few young couples. Felix scans the atmosphere as he waits, observing the way everybody seems so acquainted with the place. Red vinyl booths line the large glass windows, dimly lit by hanging pendant lamps that give a yellow hue to the wooden tables below them. Each table is neatly paired with a silver napkin holder, salt and pepper shakers, hot sauce and a myriad of syrup flavors. And a bright neon red sign advertising fresh pies flickers over the kitchen, which is hidden behind silver swinging doors. It looks like something straight out of a movie, he thinks to himself, as a table nearby is served steaming plates of omelets and fries. And as Felix turns his attention back toward the glass windows, he finally sees you approaching, earbuds in and a nonchalant expression on your face. Your hair is tucked loosely behind your ears, a simple ensemble of loose fitting jeans and a sweater complementing your worn down sneakers. The bell on the door chimes as you make your way inside, a smile on your face as you talk briefly with Yena upon entering. And she gestures back to Felix, who gives a little wave from where heโs sitting, in time for his third coffee refill of the evening.
โThis isnโt my table,โ you say to Felix when you approach, gathering your mug of coffee and gesturing to your favorite booth against the window. Felixโs eyes flicker to the booth, a confused expression on his face as you wait for him to relocate.
โWell? Are you coming, or what?โ
โYeah, um, sorry,โ Felix responds, clutching his mug in one hand and carefully bringing it across the room to the booth.
You furrow your eyes when you look back at the table, a tall pyramid of creamer cups placed where Felix was sitting.
Felix slides in the booth across from you, gesturing to your mug and meeting your gaze.
โDo you take cream? Or sugar?โ
โJust two,โ you say, picking your cups from the little bowl at the end of the table and tearing them open.
He nods, stirring his coffee around with a spoon as you prepare yours.
โLet me guess,โ you say with a knowing smile. โ8 packs sugar, 4 things of creamer and an entire can of whipped cream.โ
He chuckles lightly, angling you the contents of his cup, which now contains a mixture of frothy melted cream and coffee the color of chocolate milk.
โYou always did have a sweet tooth,โ you respond, laughing and shaking your head. โMight as well just have a sundae while youโre at it.โ
When youโre finished, you hold your mug in both hands, taking a generous sip of the steamy beverage and setting it back down with a gentle thud. Felix watches you intently, like heโs waiting for you to initiate the conversation, but you donโt, raising your eyebrows at him as you wait for him to speak.
โIโm just visiting for a bit,โ Felix finally says, twiddling his thumbs on the table in front of him. โIโm doing my classes remotely this semester.โ
You nod, saying nothing, as he searches for more words to say.
โAre your classes remote, too?โ He continues.
โThere are no classes,โ you interrupt quickly, before he can press you for more information about school. โI dropped out of college.โ
โYou did?โ Felix retorts, his eyes widening a little at how easily you admit to it. Not an ounce of shame, like it was planned from the start.
โWhy?โ He follows, tracing mindless patterns into the wood of the table below him.
โBecause I hated it. Anything else you want to know?โ
โWhy are you all the way out here?โ
โBecause I love it here.โ
โAnd how are your parents?โ
โMy dad died. Last spring. Are we done now?โ
Felix swallows nervously, averting your gaze as he taps his knee nervously under the table.
โIโm sorry. I didnโt mean to intrude.โ
You just nod at him, pursing your lips a little and toying with the handle on your mug.
โAre you going to tell me about yourself, or do I need to play 20 questions, too?โ You ask him, rolling your eyes as a smile grows on his face.
Felix chuckles lightly, relieved that youโve already forgiven his clear overstepping here.
โIโm still in college. Iโm justโฆ undecided. I took a semester off a little while ago because I donโt know what I want to do. I havenโt actually been to class physically inโฆ a good while.โ
You nod empathetically at his words, the reality of them contradictory to the Felix you once knew. He was a straight A student when you knew him last, quick to join campus clubs and gain popularity wherever he went. People often commented on how different both of you were from each other- Felix, a bright young student who could light up a room with his smile, always so eager to ask questions and familiarize himself with the world around him. And you, a bit more reserved, your world often tainted by the reality of the hardships youโd faced, and the knowledge that life, when not lived for yourself, is often arduous.
โSo youโre doing a bit of soul-searching,โ you say to Felix, no stranger to the concept of tourists stopping through here to โstart life anewโ at the sight of run-down coffee shops and bookstores. And when they find what theyโre looking for, theyโre gone again, like a soul could never thrive here in the town of Ember, even if itโs where it materialized.
โYou could say that,โ he responds, swirling the remainder of whipped cream around his cup with a spoon. โThings just havenโt beenโฆ great.โ
You nod in response, averting his gaze as you study the wooden table below him.
โWell good luck,โ you finally say, taking a generous gulp of your coffee and scanning the room for Yena before the conversation can go any further than the base-level declarations of your new separate lives.
โDo you remember that night we snuck out of your house?โ Felix asks suddenly, just as you begin to get up.
โWhat?โ
โIt was raining. I think it was like 3 in the morning.โ
You turn to face him again, narrowing your eyes as he speaks.
โI didnโt have a car at the time,โ Felix continues. โSo you rode on the handles of my bike in the pouring rain. We went to watch the sunrise, only we didnโt realize that of course because we were in the middle of a storm, there was-โ
โNo visible sunrise,โ you interrupt quietly. โWe just watched the clouds turn a lighter shade of gray.โ
Felix grins a little as you finish, nodding his head.
โExactly. And when we got home at 5am, your dad was already awake. And heโd never met me before- we swore heโd have it out for me. But he didnโt- he brought us blankets, and he made us tea and laughed his ass off at our stupidity.โ
โThereโs no sunrise in a fucking storm!โ You exclaim, echoing your dadโs lighthearted lecture from so long ago.
Felix laughs with you, the warm memory circling your minds, both of you equally as endeared by the tale you so vividly remember. As your laughter dies down, Felix keeps his gaze on yours, shooting you a half smile as he speaks again.
โYour dad really loved you. Andโฆ itโs one of my favorite memories, even today.โ
You hold his gaze too, clutching the handle of your mug again and giving him a small nod, your lip quivering a little at the mention of your father.
โThanks, Felix,โ you say in a melancholy tone, taking a deep breath in an attempt to hold back your tears.
When the feelingโs passed, Felix spoons another dollop of whipped cream into his cup and brings it up to his lips.
โYour hairโs shorter,โ he says with a chuckle.
โYours is longer,โ you retort. โAnd black.โ
โIโm trying something new.โ
โI can tell,โ you say, laughing lightly. โAnd whatโs with all the screws and washers in your ears?โ
โMy piercings?โ He replies. โTheyโre a fashion statement!โ
โThey look painful.โ
โThis one was,โ Felix says, toying with the silver helix piercing in his lobe.
โAnd this one,โ his fingers trail down to another silver stud, just below the first. โAnd maybe this one.โ
โAt what point is this just inflicting pain on yourself for fun?โ
โIโm not finished!โ Felix says, as you both share amused laughter. He thumbs over another row of silver studs, thinking intently as he speaks. โThis one hurt, this one definitely hurtโฆโ
*
โHow was your dinner thing last night?โ Chris asks in the morning, shooting you a knowing smile as he breaks a new roll of quarters in the till.
โCoffee,โ you emphasize.
โCoffee,โ he echoes. โHow was coffee, with your old friend?โ
โIt was okay,โ you respond, organizing a stack of records on the shelf across the counter. โJust catching up, mostly.โ
โYena said you guys were there for hours.โ
โMaybe we were.โ
โHours?โ Chris repeats, shaking his head. โWhat could you have possibly talked about that lasted hours?โ
โFriend stuff,โ you reply to him. โMaybe if you had some, youโd know.โ
โOuch, kiddo,โ he says, clutching his chest in a joking manner as you both laugh.
As you turn to grab another stack of records, the bell over the door chimes, and your heads snap in the direction of the noise. And like youโd accidentally spoken him into existence again, Felix saunters in, a shy smile on his face. He looks a little more casual this time, in just jeans and a black t-shirt, but still different than you remembered him nonetheless.
โSpeak of the angel,โ Chris mutters, nudging you with his elbow as he waves at Felix.
โHi,โ Felix says cheerfully. โItโs nice and warm in here. Outsideโs really cold.โ
โFelix, what are you doing here?โ You sigh, averting Chrisโ shit-eating grin.
โWhat? Iโm buying some CDs.โ
โWe have a good amount on clearance,โ Chris says from where heโs standing. โBack shelf.โ
โThanks!โ Felix replies, and you pinch the bridge of your nose in annoyance.
โChris, would you give us a minute?โ
And he nods, shooting Felix a thumbs up, before disappearing to the back room with a stack of papers.
โLook,โ you begin, turning to Felix. โLast night was fun and all, but Iโm still working a job. This doesnโt just make amends or something. It was great catching up, but respectfully, I really donโt want to see you again.โ
Felix nods a little, and then he hoists something over his arm. Itโs the first time you take notice of it- a black crossbody satchel, draped over one arm, his hand resting casually on the zipper.
โThen I suppose getting help for my project is a no?โ
You narrow your eyes at him, gesturing to the bag with a tilt of your head. โWhatโs in the bag?โ
โYou donโt get to know if you donโt help me.โ
โJust tell me.โ
โPromise youโll help me.โ
โFelix-โ
He holds the bag a little further away from his body, effectively shielding it from your view and shaking his head. โAnd it was such a good surprise, too.โ
โJust tell me whatโs in the stupid bag!โ
Felix finally holds the bag out in front of him, unzipping it and carefully pulling out its contents. He reveals a digital camera to you, slinging the strap over his neck and holding it up to squint into the lens. โSmile!โ
โWhat- thatโs it?โ You question, shielding your face from his view. โHow does this pertain to me?โ
โIโm photographing the town,โ he replies, fidgeting with the lens in his hands. โI need some help.โ
โWhy would you need my help with that? Iโm not a photographer.โ
โYeah but you know this town, and all of its little quirks.โ
โThereโs a maps app on your phone for a reason, Felix.โ
Felix gets quiet again as he fidgets with the lens on his camera, doing nothing particularly useful as he prays youโll change your answer. And heโs not lying- he does need to photograph this town, and all of its hidden gems for his creative project this semester. But he would be lying if he said having you keep him company wasnโt all he thought about when he went to bed last night, and woke up this morning and inevitably found himself back at your record shop.
โYou used to be the best model,โ Felix says just above a whisper, letting his camera hang loosely at his waist now. โI still have all my film photos of you.โ
The room gets a little quiet as you meet his gaze, not missing the way his eyes seem to soften into a somber expression. Heโs always had this way of begging- pleading for what he wants, and youโve very seldom been able to say no to him. Seeing him stand in front of you now, heavy camera in his small hands and a dream circling his mind, you know the fact still stands true.
โIf I do this for you, this is the last favor I run you.โ
His lips pull into a toothy smile, his eyes forming little crescents as he nods eagerly.
โI promise. I wonโt ask you for anything else.โ
When Chris reenters the room, he shoots you a questioning look, which you wave off with a casual roll of your eyes.
โWhat time are you off today?โ Felix asks, and Chris purposely nudges you as he passes by.
โLater. Just come by at closing or something.โ
โYeah, I can do that. Do you want me to bring a coffee or anything-โ
โSee you at closing, Felix,โ you respond with a smile, and you gesture back to the door.
He nods, seeing himself out, camera firmly grasped in his two hands as he waves again through the window.
*
Felix drives the same shitty car he did when you last knew him. Its chipped navy blue exterior clashes horribly with the beige leather seats, the inside tainted by the permanent odor of cigarettes from its previous owner, Felix making futile efforts to mask the smell with pine tree air fresheners. The seatbelts are frayed, the legroom is nearly nonexistent and the live radio is completely busted, with the exception of the CD player.
โAll jazz?โ You question, shuffling through a neat book of Felixโs CD collection.
โYeah,โ Felix replies, two hands gripping the steering wheel as he adjusts in his seat. โTheyโre mostly just whateverโs cheapest.โ
โI can tell,โ you say with a chuckle, reaching the last page, where Four Decades of Jazz now occupies a sleeve of its own. You pop the CD into the player, turning the volume up a few notches and sitting back comfortably as the melodic tune of a saxophone fills the space around you.
โWhatโs this next place again?โ Felix asks, as you shut your eyes and listen to the jazzy beat.
Youโve stopped at three locations already, all spots in Ember youโre particularly fond of. The old bridge that runs over train tracks, a narrow pathway into another world in late evenings. Itโs always surrounded by starlings, which flock when the trains pass through and chirp songs that mirror the trainโs cacophonous whistle.
The cathedral just north of your record shop, which you donโt attend regularly like the other town-goers do, but always greets you graciously with its towering stained glass windows and crested walls.
And a now abandoned grocery store just a few blocks away, the walls on the back now housing impressive graffiti murals and doodles.
โThis last one is a more scenic spot,โ you finally respond, opening your eyes as his car passes over a speed bump. โItโs my favorite one.โ
Felix just nods as he continues driving, the road narrowing into a one-way route, the area surrounded by wet grassland and barely visible amidst the thick fog.
โWhatโs the whole premise of this project?โ You ask him, realizing you havenโt quite figured out what part you play in this, anyway.
Felix is silent for a moment, his hands rotating over the wheel as he turns into another narrow road.
โItโs just a photography project. About observing your surroundings.โ
โWhy does it have to be here?โ
And he smiles, chuckling lightly to himself, as he reaches a hand out and sprawls his palm over your mouth.
โYou ask so many questions! You havenโt changed at all.โ
You respond in muffled laughter, prying his hand off your mouth with two hands and shoving it back toward the steering wheel.
โIโm just curious!โ
Your shared giddy laughter fills the car for several minutes, exchanging amused glances as he pulls into an open parking lot and circles around to look for a spot. And you let your fingertips graze along your cheek, briefly, remembering the sensation of his hand on you very well.
*
The fourth spot is a spacious grassland just past the hills, not necessarily a hidden gem by the townโs standards, but a place you discovered shortly after you moved out here. It requires hopping a fence to access, jogging down a steep dirt path and then marching back up a grassy hill to make it to your โsweet spotโ- or a little dip in the top of the hill, perfect for setting up a picnic blanket and sitting upon for hours.
And of course the best part about it- the view. The whole town is visible from up here, the little buildings and shops you know so intimately an entirely different perspective from this height. Sometimes you imagine what you look like from this view- just a tiny speck of a human in a town not much bigger, crossing back and forth between your apartment, the diner and the record shop.
โYou got it?โ You ask Felix as he hoists himself up the last stretch of grass, balancing his camera in his hands and dusting off his jeans.
โYeah,โ he replies, coming around to occupy the spot next to you on the grass. You sit back on your hands, your legs crossed at the ankles as you take in the view you know so well. Felix sits cross-legged, toying with the lens of his camera as he prepares to snap a few photos.
โItโs nice up here,โ he comments, filling the silence with the clicking noises of his camera.
โYeah,โ you respond shortly, your gaze fixed on the record shop. โItโs a pretty special place.โ
He turns the lens, bringing his camera up and snapping a series of photos as you watch him out of your peripheral vision.
โHowโd you find it?โ Felix asks, scanning the photos and going to take another set.
โI get around,โ you reply with a smile, keeping your answer short.
He takes one last set of photos, angling his camera at different sides, and when heโs done, he carefully places the camera in his carrier bag and leans back on his hands, too.
โYou really have things figured out here,โ Felix says a little quietly, turning to look at you while you keep your gaze straight ahead.
โI didnโt have a choice. It was up to me to keep things going.โ
โAndโฆ howโs your mom?โ He replies quietly.
You shake your head, adjusting your position so that youโre sitting cross-legged, too.
โI donโt know. Last I heard she was out west. New boyfriend or something.โ
Felix nods reluctantly, not wanting to press the issue further.
โIt wasnโt your fault,โ he chimes in suddenly. โI hope you didnโt leave thinking that.โ
โItโs fine,โ you reply, brushing him off.
โNo, listen to me,โ Felix continues, turning to face you. โI know you hate talking about it. And I wonโt bring it up again. But none of this was your fault. And that summer I wanted so badly to fix everything and take away your pain, and I justโฆ I couldnโt. And Iโm sorry.โ
You donโt say anything to him, fidgeting with a blade of grass on the ground below you and reminding yourself to keep it together. Donโt cry. Donโt feel.
โYouโre doing that thing again,โ Felix says bluntly, like he can read your thoughts.
โWhat thing-โ
โThat thing. Where you donโt let yourself feel.โ
โI feel a lot of things, Felix.โ
โThen why havenโt we talked about it yet?โ
โTalked about about what?โ
โWhy you left,โ he finally finishes, huffing frustratedly. โWhy are we not addressing it? Am I supposed to just act like it didnโt happen?โ
โFelix, I really think-โ
โYou said you would stay and fight for what was ahead of us. And then you disappeared on me. You know how hard it was to go on with my life like you werenโt a missing person for all I knew? You didnโt even call.โ
โI changed my number,โ you say quietly.
โYeah, I figured that much after three years.โ
Felix gets quiet again, shaking his head as he turns his gaze back to the view. You donโt say anything for a moment, his words swirling in your mind as your heart beats erratically. Thereโs so much to say- so much you want to explain to him. But the words are caught in the back of your throat, dissipating with every passing second you fail to vocalize them. He glances at you again, hoping youโll come around- but you donโt, your gaze now transfixed on the blade of grass that rolls between the pads of your fingers.
โI understand if you donโt want to talk about it,โ Felix finally says. โAndโฆ Iโm sorry.โ
A copper sunset falls over the buildings below you, casting shadows around you that dance along the blades of grass and disappear over the rolling hills. They shift from massive charcoal forms into smaller shapes that sway with the setting sun, quick to get away from you and disappear when they graze over your seated figures.
โYou know there was a fire here, like, 50 years ago,โ you say to Felix, still averting eye contact.
โThere was?โ
โMhm. See there?โ You question, pointing out a vast, empty field and gesturing to the buildings across from it.
โIt started east, and it traveled west. And everything there burned, and a few people even died.โ
โWow,โ Felix responds. โI didnโt know that. Thatโs terrible.โ
โA lot of the neighboring cities didnโt know this place existed. But when they heard about the fire, many of them came out here, just to donate and help build things back up. Even the record shop burned. The one we have now is a lot smaller.โ
He nods as he listens to your story, glancing back at the town as he pictures the blazing flames that ate away most of its structure back then.
โI always think about it,โ you continue. โEveryday I imagine how hard it mustโve been to pick up and build things from the ground up again. Chrisโ grandfather did it, with the record shop. And the diner did it. And theyโre still doing it, keeping things running the way they are.โ
Felix nods again, turning to look at you as you watch the town.
โNo one couldโve prevented the fire. They could pick up and move on, but things still burned before they did, and people still died.โ
Felix begins to say something, his lips parting, but his breath hitches in the back of his throat, and he settles in silence as you finish.
โIโm somewhere there,โ you say to him after a silent pause. โIโm somewhere between the fire and the mending.โ
And he doesnโt have to say anything else, understanding that this is your way of explaining things.
As darkness begins to fall over you both, you think back to the last time you sat with him like this, on the old hill in your hometown, waiting for a sunrise that never came around. You had passed the time kissing and touching each other so desperately, speaking visions of a new life into existence and making hushed promises to embrace the end together. An end that came to fruition without him, one you ran from before could look it in its face and brave it with Felix by your side.
But here on the familiarity of your hill, looking over a town that burned like the flames inside of you do now, you know thereโs good, there are people who will make the journey to help you rebuild no matter what their reservations previously were. But it also takes time, and patience, and the strength to admit things have turned to ash in the first place.
And sometimes, like this town, things and people turn to Ember, a dim glowing reminder of what happened always present still.
*
Soul-searching capital of the world. 6:00pm. On the cusp of winter.
โThink youโre ready?โ You query at Felix, pulling the straw out from your vanilla milkshake to lick the other end.
โI think so,โ he responds, sorting through a stack of photos on the table.
โFelix, your whipped cream,โ Yena says as she turns the corner and sets a small bowl down in front of him.
โThank you,โ Felix replies with a small smile, already spooning a generous amount into his coffee.
The last two weeks have been cordial between the two of you, a sense of normalcy finally present during your time together as Felix wrapped up his photography shots and developed them at the convenience store in town. The pictures are beautiful, little precious neutral-toned glimpses into your everyday life and the town you love so much. It feels like Felix finally understands you, neither pressing you for answers anymore, nor trying to initiate anything more between the two of you like youโd feared. And although the photography sessions have spanned a little more time than youโd originally anticipated they would, youโre well aware this will all be over soon, and then you can get back to the normal, simple life you lead, without having to look introspectively at the state of things. Youโre fine, and Felix doesnโt force you to think about it anymore.
โI just have to submit these, and then Iโll be done for the semester,โ Felix explains.
โAre you staying in town for the holidays?โ You ask suddenly, realizing youโve never even inquired what his plans are for after this photography project is finished.
โI donโt know,โ Felix responds, glancing at the stack of photos. โI donโt really have any solid plans.โ
You donโt miss the way he fidgets with the ring on his finger, averting your gaze and swallowing nervously. Itโs another habit Felix possesses, getting you to drag him along practically anywhere, but itโs hard to say no when he makes every effort to be so polite and forgiving.
You sigh deeply, praying you wonโt regret the words before they leave your mouth.
โLook, a couple friends I have throw a party every year around the holidays. We just get together to smoke and talk. You can come, if you want.โ
Felixโs expression brightens almost instantly, meeting your gaze again with big hopeful eyes and a beaming smile.
โReally?โ
โDonโt make it weird,โ you say, chuckling softly. โItโs just a small thing to unwind.โ
โIโll be there,โ Felix responds with a nod. โAnd I wonโt make it weird, I promise.โ
โSoโฆโ Yena teases, sliding into the booth across from you and raising her eyebrows. โWhatโsโฆ going on between you two?โ
โWho?โ You question, cocking your head slightly.
โOh come on,โ she emphasizes. โYou guys are attached at the hip. We barely get girl time together anymore. He canโt just be an old friend.โ
โHe is,โ you voice back. โWe just go way back, thatโs all.โ
โHeโs cute,โ she says, glancing out the window at Felixโs lanky figure making his way back to his car. You both watch as he struggles to get his car open, yanking on the door handle a little hard and stumbling back.
โWell heโs single,โ you retort with a soft chuckle. โSo if you ever get tired of Chris, heโs your guy.โ
โI see the way he looks at you,โ Yena explains, as she pulls out her notepad and adds her tips for the evening. โLike he has stars in his eyes or something. I remember when Chris and I met, he was a lot like that.โ
โYena, weโre really not-โ
โI know,โ she says, shaking her head with a smile. โFeelings, feelings. Yuck. Iโm just saying.โ
You turn your gaze toward the window again, watching as Felix starts his car and backs out of the parking lot, strands of his ebony hair falling into his eyes as he checks behind him.
And Yena smiles, taking notice out of her peripheral vision at the stars in your eyes, too.
*
Seungminโs annual holiday party is a tradition you joined in on the first year you moved out here. Working at the record shop your first year, you had no friends, no family and you were completely isolated from the town when you werenโt picking up shifts. He was a regular customer with a knack for old rock records, and he pitied the shifts you worked while the rest of the town mingled at their annual holiday events youโd hear so much about. An invitation to his holiday party was a big feat for you, not only because it was one of the first events you attended here, but because it allowed you to spend the holidays alongside people again, something you hadnโt done since your fatherโs passing. And thus, Seungmin invites you back every year, never missing a chance to talk records with you and challenge you to eggnog shots.
โI just want to pop these in the trunk really quick,โ you say as you open the car door on the passenger side and gesture for the key from Felix. โI usually lend Seungmin a few spare records we have-โ
Felix hasnโt registered a word youโve said, completely entranced by the way your short skirt hugs your hips, a black leather coat thrown over your shoulders and a different pair of sneakers than heโs used to seeing. Itโs much different than how heโs normally seen you, dressed down in sweaters and baggy jeans.
And Felix looks particularly dashing, too, his ebony hair tied up again to display his impressive collection of ear piercings, a fitted leather jacket hugging his slim figure and black jeans that elongate his legs. You give him a once-over as he cranes his neck from the driverโs seat and tosses you the keys, unable to verbalize his regard for your outfit. But as you make your way around the car to the trunk, popping it open and placing Seungminโs stack of records inside, he canโt help but stare in the interior view mirror at the way your skirt rides up when you bend over, exposing a little more of your thighs and leaving little to the imagination.
The drive to Seungminโs is only a few blocks down from Ember Records, one which Felix completes while stealing very obvious glances at you and making every attempt to calm his erratically beating heart. You pretend the glances go unnoticed, keeping your gaze on the darkened road ahead and making small talk about the party. But you donโt miss the way Felixโs voice hitches in the back of his throat when he speaks, his trembling hands turning the wheel as he pulls into the cul-de-sac and puts the car in park.
And he wants nothing more than to stay here, with you, to sit in his dingy little car and talk with you about everything that happened, to assure you that youโre not alone in your process of mending- heโll love you through it, regardless. But as Seungmin makes his way out the front door with a red solo cup in hand, calling loudly for you, Felix knows thatโs not a possibility.
โY/n!โ Seungmin exclaims, a big toothy grin plastered on his face at the sight of you. Heโs a bit taller than Felix is, long legs that frame his slim torso, and a chiseled jawline that makes Felix a little jealous. His voluminous chocolate tresses fall into his eyes as he speaks, and he uses a slender hand to push them away again, shooting you another flashy smile as he chuckles lightly.
โWhatโd you bring me this time?โ He asks, balancing the presumed cup of alcohol in one hand as he watches you retreat to the trunk of the car.
โCouple rock, some alternative and that one artist you liked last time?โ
โHell yeah,โ Seungmin replies, as he takes the records from your grasp and shuffles through them eagerly.
Felix clears his throat as he stands beside you, his hands shoved awkwardly in the pockets of his leather jacket as he waits for an introduction.
โSorry,โ you voice, stepping aside and gesturing to Felix.
โThis is Felix. Heโs an old friend of mine.โ
Seungmin hardly looks up from his stack of records, just briefly glancing at Felix and giving him a small nod.
โHey man. Cool to meet you.โ
And Felixโs lips pull into a thin-lipped smile, averting his gaze, too, as he nods.
โYeah. Same.โ
Your eyes dart between Seungmin and Felix, both of them painfully awkward as they stand beside you, avoiding eye contact like some unspoken challenge and looming over you like youโre meant to be the host.
โShould we get inside?โ You finally ask, wrapping your arms around yourself and gesturing to the house with a tilt of your head.
โYeah, sorry,โ Seungmin says with a soft chuckle, still averting Felixโs gaze and pivoting on his heel to begin toward the house. Felix gestures for you to follow, trailing behind you and doing his best to steady his nerves as the three of you finally make your way inside.
The house is already crowded for the evening, people standing just about everywhere, red cups in hand and joints pinched between their fingers. They exhale white clouds of smoke as they converse amongst themselves, their eyes all tainted red, as they let all the weed and alcohol consume their consciousness and instill a calm demeanor in themselves. Felix finds himself standing a little closer to you as you approach the sofa everyoneโs sitting around, their bodies lazily slung over one another as they chat and drink.
โY/nโs here,โ Seungmin says, as he passes the sofa and heads into what Felix presumes to be his bedroom, with the stack of records in hand.
โHey!โ They call in misarticulated voices. You make your rounds, greeting each of them and exchanging brief anecdotes with them, while Felix remains standing with his hands in his pockets, his eyes fixed on the way you smile cheerfully and acquaint yourself with everyone in the room.
You look so relaxed, so well-adjusted to your new life in this little town. As stories are thrown back and forth between yourself and the guests, Felix wonders how long youโve known them to be able to converse with them to such an intimate extent. They share stories of your shifts at work, stories of previous parties, tales of past lovers theyโve had and late nights all of you spent up in this exact household. Felix canโt help but wonder what he was doing during those moments- probably studying for a test at university, or hooking up with someone he didnโt exactly care for. And by nighttime, he was likely up thinking of you- pondering where youโd gone, what you were up to. If you thought about him just as much as he thought about you.
Part of him wants to be angry, listening in on your stories like this- youโre laughing about parties, exchanging tales of difficult customers- moments that occurred while he was up waiting for you, hoping one day youโd change your mind about everything and return. Felix swore every sunset began to look the same without you there to watch them alongside him, every sunrise much bleaker than the last- even the stars heโd gaze at through his window seemed to lose their meaning.
But watching you like this, a smile that hasnโt left your face once since entering the house and the familiar sound of your harmonious laughter, he knows maybe you did the right thing, after all. Maybe Felix wasnโt a part of this plan life had for you- and perhaps, itโs time to come to terms with the fact that he never will be.
โFelix?โ You question, effectively snapping him out of the trance heโs fallen into just by watching you.
โHuh?โ He responds, aware that the row of guests on the couch appear to be waiting for him to say something.
โHow long are you here for?โ One of them repeats, his stare a little cold as he raises his eyebrows and prompts an answer out of Felix.
โOh, uhโฆ Iโm not sure yet. Just for the holidays, I guess.โ
They nod in collective unison, no one saying a word as they gauge how nervous he seems to be. And you shoot them an apologetic smile, also clocking Felixโs awkward demeanor as he remains silent and avoids carrying on with the conversation.
โAnyone got a light?โ You finally break the silence, and everyone chimes in to answer, offering you joints from between their fingers and fishing colorful lighters out from their pockets. You take a seat on the rug, patting the space next to you, and Felix follows your lead, crossing his legs in the spot beside you and taking a hit from the joint you offer him.
Felix feels himself calm a little as the mellow sensation begins to wash over him, his worries dissipating as he listens to you begin to share another story with the group of people. And his mind wanders back to the past, contemplating your actions and mirroring them with the current state of things.
Three hours into the party, youโre both a little buzzed, feeling much more mellow than you had upon entering, despite taking only one hit from a joint. The room is heavy with thick clouds of smoke, the pungent smell of weed and alcohol present at every corner of the room. Just sitting here and talking gets you high, and you find yourself enjoying the company alongside Felix.
It reminds you of back then, when you and Felix used to attend parties together and run off to random bedrooms for a quick fuck. Youโd often find yourself leaving early to spend time just between the two of you, hitting all your signature spots to catch sunrises or binge greasy food. And Felix feels much more relaxed around you now, making small talk with the guests and observing the way you try your hardest to include him in the conversations. As Seungmin takes another hit from his joint, he slouches back in the concave leather of the couch, his gaze darting over the two of you as Felix eyes you curiously.
โSo whatโs the deal between you two?โ He asks, narrowing his eyes as he awaits a response.
โWeโre just old friends-โ Felix begins to say, but you interrupt him before Seungmin can catch the answer.
โHeโs my best friend.โ
Felixโs head snaps in your direction, unsure if maybe he heard you incorrectly, or if youโre genuinely claiming that Felix, whose guts youโve hated for the better part of three years now, is your best friend.
โBest friends?โ Seungmin repeats in slurred speech, and you give him a nod.
โYeah,โ you say again confidently. โHeโs my best friend.โ
And Felixโs lips pull into an involuntary smile, the tips of his ears turning a bright shade of red as he reaffirms your words.
When you turn to smile at him, he pats the space in front of him, extending his legs so that heโs created a spot for you to settle in. And in your buzzed, mellowed out state, you comply, scooting back and slotting yourself between his long legs, letting yourself lean back against his chest and shutting your eyes briefly. Felix reluctantly brings two hands around you, holding you a little closer to him, but you donโt protest the action, the familiar sensation of his arms around you feeling comfortable and safe like it always used to.
โIโd think you guys were fucking if I didnโt know any better,โ Seungmin voices, joining a chorus of laughter as he brings the joint up to his lips again.
โSo what if we were?โ You retort casually, feeling the way Felixโs embrace gets a little tighter around you.
โNothing wrong with it. Itโs just easy to see through you guys. Especially the way this Danny from Grease wannabe looks at you.โ
And Felixโs eyes furrow at the statement, well aware of the fact that Seungminโs begun to get a little aggressive, but not wanting to incite anything that might jeopardize your friendships.
โI should probably go,โ Felix says just above a whisper, his mouth hovering just over your shoulder so that you can hear him over all the noise.
โWhat? No,โ you reply, turning your head to meet his gaze. His eyes are wide, his lip trembling a little as he speaks. Felix isnโt confrontational- a fact youโre very aware of.
โI donโt want to start anything-โ he begins to say, and you place a hand on his forearm comfortingly.
โThen letโs both get out of here. Iโm kinda bored, anyway.โ
Heโs surprised at the offer- and undoubtedly moved by the prospect that youโve chosen to stick with him instead of stay here at the party with all your friends. And because he wants to spend the time with you, he doesnโt protest when you turn to voice your decisions to the crowd.
โWell Danny from Grease and I are getting out of here. So you can let your imaginations run wild since youโre so obsessed with us.โ
Seungmin chuckles lightly, too stoned to ask you to stay, and candidly, to care about any of it.
โMy old records are on the kitchen table,โ Seungmin says, as he shuts his eyes and exhales a generous cloud of smoke. โCatch you guys later.โ
*
โWhere are we going?โ Felix asks, as he puts the car into park and watches you unbuckle your seatbelt.
โI have to put the records I lent to Seungmin back in the shop. Itโll only take like two minutes.โ
He nods in response, his gaze fixed on the darkened record shop, not used to seeing it at this hour.
โYou coming?โ You ask him, gesturing to the door, and Felix snaps out of his tranced state, unbuckling his seatbelt, too.
As you twist your keys and push the door open, Felix feels a bit unsettled seeing the shop at this hour. The shelves are pitch dark at the hour, the usually colorful vinyl all looking indistinguishable as they sit in stacks against each other and gather dust. The neon sign above the CD wall is shut off, not even the gentle hum of the bulb present amongst the silence. And the doorway to the back room looks like something out of a horror movie, seeming as though someone- or something, could pop out at any given moment. It feels wrong being here- and he knows he probably shouldnโt be, but heโs not in the place to leave your side just yet.
โDonโt turn on the lights,โ you say to Felix when you enter, him following closely behind you. โI donโt want anyone to know weโre here.โ
You begin toward the back room, glancing over your shoulder to ensure Felix is following. And he is, albeit reluctantly.
The back room is much smaller than Felix had originally anticipated it to be. It smells of paint, looking far more run-down than the rest of the store, and heโs not sure how anyone can take a lunch break back here considering the lack of table space and seating options.
โThis is the break room?โ Felix asks, squinting his eyes when you pull the chain beside the medallion lamp and illuminate the room with a dim, orange glow.
โYeah,โ you reply, now shuffling through Seungminโs old records and putting them in their respective genres. โThis is where I eat my sandwiches.โ
He chuckles softly, running his hands over the series of music posters pinned to the cork walls, taking in the view you see everyday at noon.
โThereโs a record player in here!โ Felix exclaims, bending down to examine the 6200 marantz wood turntable on a little cart, just to the left of the dining table.
โWell this is a record shop, you reply with a chuckle, slotting the last few of Seungminโs vinyl into the shelf. โIt wouldnโt make sense if we didnโt have one.โ
โDoes it work?โ Felix asks, tracing the silicone grooves of the platter with his fingers.
โOf course,โ you respond, finally turning around to meet his gaze. โPick something.โ
Felix scans the shelves at the neat rows of vinyl, all packed together and indistinguishable from their thin colorful spines alone. He pulls one out, examining illustrations of flowers on the cover, and then slots it back into its respective home. Another flaunts an abstract pattern of cool-toned hues, which Felix observes briefly, and places it back where it belongs, too.
โI canโt decide,โ he voices plainly, his eyes scanning over the rows that span the entire length of the room, some of them visibly much older than the rest.
Your fingers graze the spines, too; letting the cracked ridges serve as indication of their age, and then you pinch one between the pads of your fingers, pulling it out to examine the cover. Itโs painted sky blue, with images of autumnal trees that stand tall and contrast the gentle hues nicely. In bold red cursive text, the title is scrawled at the top, followed by a brief list of credits and arrangements.
โThe Seasons, by Tchaikovsky,โ you read aloud.
You recall putting this one on the shelf after a donation a few weeks prior, never having listened to it yourself.
โWill you play it?โ Felix asks, and you nod your head in response, already pulling out the black disc and placing it neatly on the record platter. You flip it on, and then bring the tonearm to a random spot, letting the cue lever lower it into place and begin playing. After a few seconds of fidgeting with the volume, the soft sounds of piano begin to fill the room, a somber arrangement that slows into gentler, discoordinate notes.
โThis oneโs probably winter,โ you say to Felix, hoisting yourself up on the table and sitting on your hands. โIt sounds sad.โ
โYeah,โ he responds, his eyes fixated on the slow turn of the disc, a soft crackling noise emitting as the tonearm runs over the grooves.
Felix suddenly reaches for the bag slung over his shoulder, unzipping the pouch and pulling out his camera.
โWhat are you doing?โ You ask with a soft chuckle, amused at the way he so quickly rushes to adjust the settings.
โI want to take a picture. Itโs a nice record player.โ
And with the rhythmic click of the lens, he snaps a series of photos, angling himself a bit higher to capture every moving part of the old thing. When heโs finished, he examines the photos himself, a small smile tugging at his lips as he looks over the moment in time captured so perfectly on the little screen of his device. Without warning you, Felix then holds the camera up once more, snapping a quick photo of you and chuckling softly to himself.
โStop!โ You say through laughter, holding a hand up to shield your face as he snaps a few more. โFelix, Iโm serious!โ
โItโs just for me!โ Felix exclaims, bringing his camera down again and scrolling through the candid photos.
As he examines them, you notice how close he is to you now, standing in between your legs that hang lazily off the edge of the table, his frame towering over yours.
He meets your gaze again after a moment, taking notice of the proximity, too, and swallowing nervously.
โYou used to let me take pictures of you,โ Felix says after a moment of silence.
โThat was so long ago,โ you reply with a smile. โThings are different now.โ
His eyes dart over your bare face, your eyes a little hooded from exhaustion and the mellowed state that overtake your body. Itโs a sight familiar to him, still, the way you keep your words short when youโre not asking him questions, nothing except a small knowing smile on your face. But itโs one heโs thought about for so long, painting pictures of you in his head and scanning old photos, like your physical state would somehow come to fruition the more he studied it.
โPlease let me take a few more,โ Felix says, his voice dropping an octave as his eyes flicker between your lips and your gaze. He knows youโre going to say no, go away, or some other version of it.
But this time, you donโt, taking careful note of the way he so politely asks for what he wants. Memories of him have plagued your mind all night, the feeling of his hands around you still lingering on your body, recalling the way he used to ask so politely to fuck you in the bathroom of house parties like you wouldnโt say yes every single time.
And in the absence of your words, you slide your coat off, discarding it on the table behind you and keeping your gaze locked on his, in just a tight-fitting t-shirt and skirt.
Felix brings his camera up immediately, lest you change your mind like he knows you probably will, and adjusts his lens again, before snapping a single photo of you, sitting so innocently on the table in the back room of the record shop. Your expression remains unchallenged, your eyes softening a little as he pulls away to look at you again. And this time, you let two hands cross over your torso, pulling up the corners of your shirt and letting it ride up until itโs nearly off of you. Felix doesnโt waste any time, bringing his camera to eye-level again and snapping a photo eagerly, his eyes wide as he observes the sight of your hardened nipples through the lens.
The discoordinate piano music still plays from behind him, its tempo increasing gradually as you let one hand position itself over the mound of your breast, kneading gently as Felix positions his camera to zoom in. He snaps another set of photos, bringing his camera even closer to capture you at every erotic angle, and then he pauses briefly, as your hands move to your skirt.
You tug gently, not yet pulling it off, and his photos capture the moment you finally undo the small zipper on the side, revealing the hem of your lace panties to him and looping a finger through them. He feels his breath hitch in his throat, wanting to clarify that heโs not forcing you to do any of this, but too mesmerized to ask you to stop.
And then before he can verbalize his thoughts, youโre tugging the skirt down, too, pulling it off over your sneakers to discard it on the floor below you. Felix canโt look away from the sight, your body hugged so delicately in lace lingerie, your legs parted a little for his photos and practically begging him to come touch you. And yet you say nothing, amused at the sight of Felix gasping over your sitting figure, letting him take the reins and do whatever it is he pleases, even if the implications are clouded by your past.
Felixโs slender hands snap a few more photos, focusing meticulously on your clothed core and your hardened nipples for his own personal use. And then he sets his camera down at his waist again, pulling the camera strap off his body and shoving it back into his satchel. When he turns to say something, he canโt, still entranced by the familiar feeling in his stomach at the body heโs bore witness to so many times.
โFelix,โ you say softly, coaxing him to come a little closer.
He obliges, lips parted nervously, as he takes another step forward and allows your legs to rest casually on his.
โI meant to ask you,โ you say, cocking your head slightly, bringing one hand up to caress his cheek with your thumb.
โYeah,โ he says, his voice just barely above a whisper. โAnything.โ
โWhere have all your freckles gone?โ You finally ask, observing the way his skin still runs completely clear around his cheeks and eyes, not a hint of a galaxy visible to you, even at this proximity to him.
โMakeup,โ Felix responds with a soft chuckle. โThey didnโt match my new look.โ
And you bring your other hand to his other cheek, grazing your thumbs over his soft skin, before pressing down a little harder and wiping the foundation off of him. Heโs right- the beige stars youโd remembered so well begin to appear once again, scattered generously across his button nose and his big eyes. He lets you rub it off of him, not taking his eyes off of yours as you rid him clean of the stuff and then graze your thumbs over him again, in much gentler motions.
โThatโs better,โ you reply, your eyes darting between his now visible freckles and his plump, parted lips. โTheyโre my favorite part about you.โ
And Felix doesnโt respond, his mind running rampant with thoughts and intentions, as he brings his lips a little closer to yours and finally kisses you, like heโs been dreaming of doing all winter.
You reciprocate instantly, your hands cupping the back of his neck as his lips work against yours, desperately leaning into you and letting his hands snake down the sides of your waist. His kisses are familiar, so reminiscent of years past when heโd kiss you exactly like this, in the proximity of whatever house party bathroom you could run off to and let him have his way with you. And Felix remembers the sensation all too well, this mutual pining of silently yearning for each other in the presence of other strangers until he could confess his love to you through whispered love making sessions when you were finally alone. Felix whimpers softly between kisses, as your hands snake up his t-shirt and graze along the toned flesh of his abdomen. You hum in response, letting your hands tangle in his hair now as he presses further into you and works gentle kisses down your neck. Both your hands find his silky ponytail, pulling off his hair tie in one swift motion and tossing it aside so that his long tresses hang loosely in front of his face, and you tangle your fingers in his ebony roots, tugging slightly as you pull him into your embrace and feel him trail back up to your lips. He pulls away momentarily to gauge your expression, worried you might ask him to stop, but your eyes are wide with anticipation, your breaths labored as you pull him into you again and arch your back into him. You can feel Felix smile into the kiss, satisfied with the turn of events from tonight's party- heโd been so certain you would leave with Seungmin, or shut him out again. But here in the dimly lit room of the record shop, your lips on his as your hands trail lower to unbuckle his belt, thereโs no denying you want this just as badly as he does.
And Felix canโt help but wonder how long have things been this way- had something changed at the party? Something that wouldโve led you to call him a โbest friendโ rather than an old one, leave the party with him and even drag him to the record shop after hours, knowing very well you couldโve come alone? Something that instilled an equal sense of desperation in you, to want his lips on yours as badly as he does right now, your bodies yearning for each other like you once did, as you undo his belt buckle and snake it out from his belt loops to discard it on the floor?
Heโs not entirely sure- but he also canโt think straight when your hands are tugging at the hem of his jeans, begging him to take them off and mirror the same level of undress you are now. What he can think about are your lips working against his, the gasps that escape you when he grazes his fingers down your sides between kisses and the forte echo of Tchaicovskyโs piano record filling the room with sultry harmonies.
As Felix unbuttons his jeans, you help him tug them down so that theyโre pooled around his ankles, the two of you now equal parts undressed and grabbing desperately at the now exposed flesh. You let your hand find Felixโs, wrapping your fingers around his slender wrist, and then bringing it to your panties, where you rest his hand against your clothed core and allow him to graze over your growing wetness.
โJesus,โ Felix exhales, pressing his middle and ring finger down against your core and rubbing in slow, back and forth motions. โI forgot how horny you get when you smoke.โ
And you chuckle lightly, not breaking eye contact as he continues to rub you over your lace panties, the wetness against your thin fabric increasing with every gentle movement of his fingers.
โWill you do something about it?โ You ask sweetly, one hand reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear.
Felix cocks his head slightly, a smug expression pulling on his lips as he works you a little faster now.
โWhat do you want me to do about it?โ
You chuckle in response, growing impatient as he teases your aching clit over the fabric of your panties and keeps his gaze on yours. Heโs calculated with his movements, rubbing in gentle motions, pressing down firmly with every other stroke to watch the way your legs squirm desperately around him and ache for more.
โDonโt make me ask,โ you say shyly, your hips rutting toward him to chase the friction of his fingers.
Felixโs gaze drops to your core, his lips parted with curiosity at the sight of you now rocking gently toward him, letting your movements do the pleasing as he almost entirely stops rubbing you.
โWhat if I wanted you to ask for it?โ Felix says briskly, a serious expression on his face as he pulls his hand away from you momentarily.
โFelix, you already know what I-โ
โAsk for it,โ Felix interrupts, keeping his gaze locked on yours now. His eyes are hooded with lust, his eyebrows slanted in a challenging expression as he waits for you to say something. And he knows heโs never been one to make you ask for it- in fact, he was usually the one doing all the begging, whining when youโd take too long to touch him or begging you to let him finish. But coupled with the recent development of his new look, you canโt help but wonder if itโs not the only thing thatโs changed about him.
โAsk for it,โ Felix states again. โOr Iโll get dressed again.โ
And you canโt bring yourself to, still riddled with questions at the peculiar phenomenon of Felix making you ask for sex, desperate to ask if this is a one-time occurrence, or if heโs intent on getting you to beg for his cock from here on out. Does he make all his hookups beg for it like this? Do they oblige without question, or are they just as taken aback with it as you are?
When Felix takes note of your silence, he doesnโt waste another second, pulling up his jeans again and beginning to work the buttons once more. And you feel your heartbeat quicken at the sight, disheartened at the action and still desperate for him to touch you, to fuck you, like your bodyโs been craving the past hour youโve been back here.
In a desperate attempt to stop him, your hands reach out, grasping his wrists in yours and watching the way his cock remains tented under the denim fabric of his jeans.
โPlease,โ you say shortly, a sheepish pout on your face.
โPlease what?โ He responds, cocking his head to gauge your reaction.
โPlease would you fuck me?โ You finally say, exhaling frustratedly and flickering your gaze away from him, almost embarrassed to be asking him like this. But Felixโs lips pull into a toothy grin, leaning back into you for a kiss and beginning to work his jeans off of him again.
โWas that so hard?โ He mumbles against your lips teasingly.
โMhm,โ you murmur back against him, hearing his jeans pool around his ankles once again as his hands cup around the small of your back.
โIt was?โ Felix queries, one hand looping through the hem of your panties and grazing along the elastic. โIf I remember correctly, we used to play this little game all the time.โ
You gasp a little as he pulls the elastic between the pads of his fingers, letting it snap against your delicate skin again and rest against your reddened skin momentarily. Felix observes the way you say nothing, waiting for him to undress you, touch you- anything, without so much as a plea for him to do so. And heโs undeniably roused seeing you this desperate for him, adjusting your position on the table to calm your pulsating core, your hands searching for him and your lips trying so hard to keep purchase on his. Felix feels his cock swell at the confirmation that perhaps you have been thinking of this just as much as he has, and that maybe leaving was the hardest thing you ever did, the way he always hoped it was.
โAre you sure about this?โ Felix asks before he can ponder the words.
And in painfully slow movements, you find the hem of your elastic waistband yourself, tugging it down and breaking away from the kiss to snake it off your ankles and discard it onto the floor. The sight alone is confirmation enough for him- your pussy is glistening with wetness, your folds coated generously in your own arousal and your aching clit a robust shade of pink as you wait for him to finish his little game of neglect. Felix canโt even respond at the sight of your cunt on display for him, too engrossed in the familiarity of what it looked like all those past years, exactly like this, begging for him and only him. On the counters of bathroom sinks, in empty fields, in the back of your car and even when his fingers were shoved in it under blankets in a room full of people. Always taking him so wholly and effortlessly, like your cunt was made to have him fill it, squirming around him with hushed moans and whimpers, your bodies intertwining into one tangled mess of pleasure and pure, unadulterated love for one another.
โFelix, please fuck me,โ You repeat, a small smirk on your face as you watch Felix stumble over his words, his cock fully erect in the fabric of his boxers.
And Felix canโt answer you, already attaching his lips to yours again and letting his hands come around your back to unclasp your bra. His motions are much quicker now, no lingering intention to make you ask for it or confirm your stance- but every intention to fuck you, fill you, like he knows you deserve.
When your bra is unfastened, he tosses it aside, letting his hands find the mounds of your breasts and kneading them with steady motions. You moan into his mouth as he works you, your legs wrapping around his hips to press his clothed cock into your wetness and grind softly against you. Felix winces at the sensation, doing his best to stave off a premature orgasm while you rut your hips gently against him and let your head fall back in pleasure. And mirroring the pleasurable sensation of his thumbs rubbing circular motions over your nipples, he brings his mouth down to your chest, taking a breast in his mouth and sucking with little whimpers. Your head comes forward to meet his gaze again, his big, innocent eyes locked on yours as he takes the flesh between his lips and swirls his tongue around your nipple. His plump lips remain locked around your mound, alternating between gentle kisses and then back to sucking on your nipple, like he might coax fluids out of it if he tries enough. And he looks so guiltless, so incorrupt as he lets his eyelids flutter shut and your nipple graze his teeth. His actions almost donโt match this darkened, grunge appearance he now sports- and you swear you can still see the blonde locks that once framed his wide eyes and his bright appearance.
As Felix moves to your other nipple, you wrap your legs tighter around him, swaying your hips in gentle rocking motions to stimulate his clothed erection against your wetness and provide some relief to both of you. And he arches his eyebrows up in pleasure, stifled moans escaping his lips as he finally releases your breast from his mouth, a string of saliva connecting you still, as his gaze drops to his boxers.
Hard- heโs unbearably hard underneath his boxers, the tip of his cock kissing the constraining fabric of his boxers that ruts against your exposed clit and sends waves of pleasure through both your listless bodies. And Felix knows if he doesnโt fuck you now, he might finish at the sight of you alone, your cheeks flushed a dark shade of pink and your cunt arching desperately into him as you wait for him to undress. So he does- one hand finds the elastic waistband of his black boxers, pulling them over his cock and wincing as it grazes against the precum dribbling down his tip. You run your hands over his toned abs, letting your eyes meet his cock as it protrudes so eagerly for you, and it looks almost painful how hard he is for you, reddening at the tip and dripping with beads of his preemptive arousal.
Felix leans in to kiss you again, and as he does, the bare flesh of his cock finally grazes your clit, running smoothly over your arousal and making you clench around nothing. You gasp at the sensation, scooting closer to him as your clit finally gets some attention from him, and Felix smiles as he trails his kisses down to your neck. While he sucks little bruises along the flesh there, he brings a slender hand around the base of his cock, guiding his tip back to your clit and rubbing his length along your flesh with more pressure now, a fervent moan escaping your lips as he does. He glides so effortlessly along you, your arousal allowing him to move so freely against you, still eager for him to fill you up. And when his lips move back up to yours, his hand guides his tip back and forth again, now rubbing against your clit in steady motions. He mimics the way his fingers stimulate you, only itโs better like this, your cunt contracting as you prepare to take his length.
โFelix,โ you whine, as his cock rubs back and forth over your wettened entrance.
โWhat is it?โ He coos gently, smiling into you as saliva dribbles between your hungry mouths.
โPut it in,โ you order plainly, parting your legs a little further to signify what it is you want so badly. And Felix already knows, pressing his tip into you just a mere centimeter to gauge your reaction, satisfied at the way you whimper and push yourself against him even further.
โIs this what you want?โ Felix muses, holding his base to keep from sliding into you involuntarily.
โYes,โ you whine again, tangling your hands in his hair. โJust fuck me like you used to.โ
And Felix feels his heartbeat quicken as the filthy memories grace his mind again, images of you exactly like this.
He says nothing, opting to end his teasing streak, as he finally steadies his hands on the sides of your waist and pushes into you, your sopping pussy taking him with complete ease. You let out a fervent moan at the feeling, your cunt clenching desperately around him as he works to bottom out inside of you and find his footing. His girth takes little to adjust to, but heโs long, taking a good minute or two until the base of his cock is disappearing inside of you and being coated in your arousal. Before even moving, his tip is grazing your cervix, the familiar feeling making your stomach turn with anticipation as you remember what it feels like.
Felixโs lips part in pleasure, his eyebrows arched up as he pulls out again and then thrusts just once, relishing in the way your pussy contracts around him again and takes him so perfectly. Your hands find purchase in his hair again, tangling in his ebony roots, as he pulls out a little, and then begins to move. His cock fills every inch of you so well, grazing every corner of your dripping cunt with such fullness, as his wet kisses work against your lips and coat your mouth in his needy saliva. Felix has always been a particularly vocal lover, you remember, as the room fills with his deep grunts and moans at every thrust. His fingers dig into your flesh, holding onto you with strength as your legs wrap around him to steady yourself and push him into you fully. Your bodies one again, your limbs tangled until it's discernible who is who atop the table like this. But when he slows his movements and kisses you tenderly, you donโt care about the implications, about the past or what this will mean for your future. All you care about is Felix inside of you like he used to be for most of your relationship, making up for all this wasted time as he fucks you and breathes heavy grunts into the shell of your ear.
โGod, I missed this,โ Felix breathes, his voice shaky as he continues to pump into you.
โMe too,โ you moan back, lining his jaw with kisses as he moves a little faster.
โYou used to let me take pictures of you,โ Felix repeats for the second time this evening. โYou remember? Used to touch yourself while Iโd snap photos of you. God, the way your fingers would disappear into your tight little pussy. Had me begging to fuck you at the end of every session, baby.โ
โI remember,โ you voice back in labored breaths. โYouโd fuck me so well. All you had to do was adjust that stupid lens and you had me dripping for you.โ
โFuck, baby,โ Felix groans, shutting his eyes as he thrusts a little harder. โGonna make me cum for you.โ
โYeah?โ You echo, wrapping your legs a little tighter around him and crossing them at the ankles. โWill you fill me up like you used to?โ
Felix nods as his eyes remain squeezed shut, the room teeming with the squelching sounds of his cock thrusting in and out of your cunt.
โCome on, baby,โ you plead, one hand angling his face toward you to press repeated, chaste kisses to his lips. โFill me up. I know you want to.โ
โI do want to-โ
โCum for me,โ you order, grazing your free hand over his abdomen and tracing little circles over his v-line.
And Felixโs cock twitches inside of you twice, signaling his nearing finish as he quickens his pace again, now fucking you with even more force and hitting your sensitive cervix with every thrust.
โIโll let you take whatever pictures you want,โ you say to him as you pull him close and nibble the lobe of his ear. โAs long as you fuck me like this every time youโre finished.โ
And the promise is all it takes for Felix to reach his orgasm, his cock twitching inside you once more before he spurts ropes of his warm cum inside of you, filling your cunt with copious amounts of his arousal for you and fucking every last drop back into you. Your pussy contracts at the sensation of his warm cum grazing your insides, reaching your finish, too, as he brings a hand to rub your clit through your release. The table below you is sticky with your juices as you steady your breathing, Felix bringing a hand around the base of his cock to pull out of you and rest limply against your pulsing, sore entrance.
The room around you is quiet again, the gentle buzz of the pendant lamp replacing your moans as you let your hands wrap around him and hold him in your embrace. Felix presses a series of tender kisses to your forehead as you remain, his slender hands moving strands of sweaty hair out of your forehead to replace them with his loving kisses.
And the record has run through all its seasons now, having ended several minutes ago, as the needle runs over the last groove in repetitive clicking sounds, an indication to flip it over.
*
A precious town once set ablaze. 4:00pm. Spring on the horizon.
โTo have hysteria or mania. 7 letters.โ
Felix thinks for a moment, his eyes darting up to the ceiling and then back to where Yena is sat across from him.
โMadness?โ
She glances over the crossword puzzle once, counting empty little boxes, and then begins to pen in his answer.
โHow are you so good at this?โ Yena asks, shaking her head. โYou could be on a crossword puzzle reality show. If that exists.โ
He chuckles lightly, observing as Yena checks her watch, and then shuts the book in front of her.
โMy break is almost done,โ she says as you chew on a French fry. โIโm gonna catch the bathroom really quick. You guys need anything?โ
โIโm good,โ you chime in, and Felix shakes his head from across you.
โThank you,โ he says politely, shooting her a little smile as she slides out of the booth and back toward the kitchen.
Felixโs gaze turns back to you now, a smile on his face as you nibble the remainder of the french fry, cocking your head at his curious gaze. He doesnโt say anything, but you feel his sneaker glide gently up your ankle, grazing your bare skin with the sole of his shoe and shooting you a knowing smile.
โFelix, not here,โ you say, pushing him away gently with your own shoe and letting your soles rest atop his laces.
โThatโs not what you said this morning,โ Felix says, swirling half-melted cubes of ice around in his glass of water.
โHarder Felix, harder!โ He mimics quietly in a high-pitched voice, as he brings his glass up to his lips and takes a generous sip.
You stomp on his laces as he chuckles between sips of water, dribbling a stream from his lips when you kick him lightly in his ankles.
Donโt fuck your exes.
Advice that anyone with half a brain would give you- and advice you really shouldโve taken to heart. But you canโt help it, finding yourself between the sheets with Felix nearly every night for the past two weeks, his lips all over yours and pleasuring you better than youโd ever remembered it. You tell yourself youโre just making up for lost time, both of you still young and naive, all of this over once he actually leaves for college again. He stayed for Christmas, gifting you a new pair of canvas sneakers and fucking you while reruns of Christmas rom-coms played in the background of your apartment. He was your New Yearโs kiss at Seungminโs party, where you swore again that the two of you werenโt dating, forcing you to press your lips to his only when you were sure the others werenโt paying attention at the drop of the ball. And when youโre not picking up shifts at the record shop, youโre with him every waking second of the day, keeping Yena company during her shifts as you feign your giddy attraction to him while sheโs not looking.
Weโre not dating, youโve emphasized to Felix several times, and he doesnโt fight it, giving you a knowing nod as he utters a repetitive yeah, yeah. But itโs mostly because he knows you canโt say no to him, not when heโs bringing you slices of pie at work and burning CDs with all his favorite songs for you, slipping them into your bag without you even noticing until youโre home again. Of course thereโs the physical factor, too- Felix is undoubtedly your best sexual partner, and he always has been. Heโs quick to recognize when youโre aroused, slipping away with you in the backseat of his car to pleasure you, without any protest from you. Heโs also understanding of all your intimate moments together, not fighting it when you remind him this is just temporary, all while heโs thrusting into you on the back room table of the record shop at late hours of the night. He just smiles against your bruised skin, reminding you that you have yet to push him away yet. And when heโs holding you in the gentle embrace of your afterglow, pressing kisses to your skin and reminding you how beautiful heโs always thought you are, heโs right- you donโt push him away from any of it. Maybe itโs the physical factor, maybe itโs little acts of service he performs to win you over. And perhaps itโs also because you donโt feel so lonely for once- the last time he was beside you like this, you still had a family, one that loved Felix like their own and encouraged this shared life with him. You still had dreams of being something bigger, aspirations while you were in school and visions of a life with Felix, because back then, he was always a part of your plan. And though things are different now, his beaming smile and lighthearted jokes serve as a reminder of a simpler time, and it feels right. So you donโt push him away- itโs a secret kept between the two of you, but heโs here with you, regardless.
โWill you let me take some photos of you today? โ Felix inquires, flipping through the book of crossword puzzles left on the table by Yena. You watch as he adjusts the familiar fleur de lis ring on his finger before uncapping a pen and filling in one of the words.
โI have an early shift tomorrow,โ you reply, toying with the crumpled straw wrapper in front of you.
โI wonโt be long,โ Felix retorts.
โI know, Felix, but I have to get up really early tomorrow and I-โ
โLet me take you out,โ Felix says, not looking up from the crossword puzzle in front of him. โJust tell me where.โ
You sigh, scanning the empty tables around the diner. There are only a handful of guests at this hour, most of them elderly folk chatting quietly amongst themselves. A slow jazz tune plays overhead, and sunlight beams through the large window beside you as Felix finishes penning in an answer, shutting the book again and folding his hands in front of him to meet your gaze.
โI have something for you,โ Felix adds.
โYou donโt have to buy me gifts, Felix.โ
โIโm aware. But this oneโs special for me, too.โ
โWhat is it?โโyou ask, a growing curiosity at his words.
โI donโt have it with me. Youโll have to let me give it to you later today.โ
You sigh, crossing your arms in front of you and rolling your eyes sarcastically. Heโs always known how to get exactly what he wants.
โJust this one time,โ you reply, knowing you sound like a broken record at how many times youโve sworn it to be just one more time.
โJust this one time,โ Felix echoes, toying again with the ring on his finger.
And you nod reluctantly, agreeing to whatever heโs planned, for the purpose of pleasing him and because youโre unable to decline.
As he flips open the book again, he uncaps the pen once more, picking up where he left off and reading the question aloud to you.
โA discussion aimed at reaching an agreement,โ he voices, nibbling the cap of his pen again.
โNegotiation,โ you say, observing the way a smile grows on his face as he pens in your answer.
โThatโs it,โ he says, gripping the pen enthusiastically as he crosses out the question.
And the sole of his shoe grazes your ankle again, trailing up your flesh teasingly as he moves onto the next.
*
โWhereโs she going?โ Felix queries, reaching into the bowl of popcorn in his lap to grab another mouthful.
โI donโt know,โ you respond, chuckling at the way he shoves a generous portion into his mouth and chews loudly.
โIs she leaving him?โ He says, pausing his chewing as the main lead in the movie makes a dramatic exit on screen.
โFelix, Iโve never seen this movie either,โ you state, chuckling as he finally resumes his chewing and brushes stray kernels off his shirt.
He reaches into the bucket again, gathering a generous handful of popcorn, and then he sprawls his hand over your mouth, pushing the popcorn into your still-laughing mouth as he moves a little closer to you.
โYou argue too much!โ He says between giggles, throwing his head back as he watches you try to down the handful, failing as loose kernels find purchase on your shirt, too.
You reach out to shove him playfully, and Felix intertwines his hands with yours, pulling you onto his lap as the bucket of popcorn is promptly set aside and neglected.
He doesnโt even give you time to finish chewing before his lips are on yours, kissing you with such tenderness and warmth. Itโs moments like these you find yourself glad heโs here with you, grateful for his unwavering persistence to account for lost time and make amends. Of course you also know heโll be gone soon, back to university to proceed with his education while you tend to the record shop. And youโre undoubtedly a little sad about it- but you also know itโs the way things have panned out to be. Felix has blossomed into the bright young soul you always knew he was, filling the shoes of a generation of good-natured people that came before him. Heโs generous, and unselfish in his ways, and a part of you knows that leaving him was the best thing that couldโve happened to both of you.
Was sleeping with him a mistake after all this time? You wouldโve answered yes in a heartbeat, at the first instance it happened, feeling you might accidentally led Felix on and ruined things between the two of you. But the more it happened, the more it affirmed the beautiful notion that heโs just a fleeting part in this process of mending- your souls intertwining to relive memories of simpler times, connecting like they had when you once belonged together. He gives himself to you as a way of saying Iโm still here, if you need me. And you give yourself to him to respond I know, and Iโm still healing.
โYou want your gift?โ Felix asks as he pulls away, his hands grazing the small of your back.
โDepends,โ you say with a small smile. โIf itโs anything like your gift this morning, then yes.โ
He chuckles softly, caressing the dimples in your lower back as he sits up and nods in the direction of the kitchen counter.
โIโll go get it. Be right back.โ
And you slide off of him, crossing your hands between your thighs as he exits the room, the soft-spoken dialogue of the movie still playing as he shuffles about in your apartment kitchen. When he returns, his hands are behind his back, a smile plastered on his face and his eyes forming little crescents as he approaches you.
โYou have to close your eyes,โ he says, kneeling down and sitting cross-legged in front of you. โAnd put out your hands.โ
You oblige with an equally endeared smile, closing your eyes and cupping your hands in front of you. Felix seems to get something situated in front of you, and then you feel him place something small in the palm of your hand. Itโs cold to the touch, no bigger than an inch, and he positions it so that itโs centered perfectly in your hand.
โNow open,โ Felix finally says, pulling his hands back and folding them in his lap.
You do as youโre told, your eyes fluttering open again and your gaze falling into the palm of your hand. And your heart melts instantly at the sight-
Itโs a ring- his ring, the silver fleur de lis one he always catches you staring at.
โI canโt take your ring,โ you say, your wide eyes meeting the crescents of his eyes that remain as he grins.
He holds his hand up, flashing you his own fleur de lis, and wiggles his fingers to show it off.
โItโs not mine,โ Felix says. โI got you your own.โ
And you feel tears prick the corners of your eyes, doing your very best to pull back and avoid crying in front of him. But Felix takes notice at the way your face contorts sadly, scooting closer to you and taking your hands in his.
โWhatโs wrong?โ He asks, his face full of concern as you examine the ring.
โNothing,โ youโre quick to respond, sniffling and rotating it between the pads of your fingers. โI justโฆโ
Felix waits for you to answer, giving your hand a little squeeze as you struggle to find your words. He knows that verbalizing your feelings isnโt exactly your forte, giving you time to think over the action and speak when it feels right to you.
โYour ring,โ you say with a soft chuckle. โIt was a gift from my dad.โ
His expression turns serious, holding up his index finger to rotate it around in front of you. โThis one?โ He inquires.
โYeah,โ you respond with a smile. โThe one I gave you before we broke up. I know Iโm not the best with my words, but I never got to say thank you. You stayed up with me the night they told us he was nearing the end. And again when my mom left. And somehow you found me in this shitty little town, and I like to think itโs so that I can properly thank you for everything. Thatโs why I wanted you to have the ring.โ
Felix canโt properly reciprocate with a kiss while heโs sat below you like this, but he brings his lips forward to kiss your knee tenderly, staring up at you through innocent eyes and humming against your flesh.
โYou were not alone,โ he says, pressing another kiss. โYouโre never alone. I would do it all over again.โ
And you smile down at him, as he takes the ring from the palm of your hand and slides it onto your ring finger, an unspoken promise that heโs always going to be here to help build you up again, regardless of your reservations or your conditions. That just like this town lost itself so many years ago, thereโs always a way to build things back up again, you just have to hold onto the hope that itโs possible.
โI love it,โ you say, examining the way it sits around your fingers just like his does. And Felix doesnโt answer, pressing more kisses on the pads of your knees and using a hand to part your knees slightly. You take note of the way he keeps his eyes shut as he trails kisses, relishing in the way you give into his actions, laying back to part your knees and observing his eager state.
โCan I take a picture of you?โ Felix asks shyly, his eyes darting over your visible crotch as your skirt rides up. You shoot him a little nod in response, gesturing for him to go get his camera, which he wastes no time doing, pulling it out of his black carrier bag and slinging it over his neck. Felix sits cross-legged in front of you again, watching intently as you flip your skirt up and let your fingers graze over your soaking panties. Your new ring glints in the dim glow of the overhead lamp, glistening as you rub your clit over the thin fabric of your underwear and stare into the lens of his camera.
Felix clicks a set of photos, his breath hitching in the back of his throat at the sight of you tugging on your panties and spreading even further for him. You make a big show of staring innocently into his lens, your eyebrows arched in curiosity as you toy with your waistband and tug it down a little further, your hips swaying a little as you struggle to pull it off entirely. And Felix takes note of your struggle, snapping one more photo of your desperate state and slinging the camera back off.
โLet me help you,โ he says with an amused smile, placing the camera on the bag beside him and scooting closer to you. His hands loop themselves in the hem of your panties, keeping his gaze locked on your core as he pulls them down, being met instantly with the sweet aroma of your arousal and your glistening folds.
โFuck,โ Felix breathes, swallowing in anticipation at you spread for him.
You let yourself slouch back into the dip of the couch cushion, propping a leg up to give him a better view, and your hands graze over your breasts as you watch him struggle to comprehend the sight.
โGo on,โ you order simply, biting your lip as his eyes widen when you knead your breast gently.
And Felix doesnโt spare another second, his hands finding purchase on your inner thighs, as he brings his face forward and licks a long stripe up your folds. His tongue is instantly coated in your arousal when he does, moaning at the taste of you as you writhe in pleasure below him and clamp your knees around his pretty face. He holds them open again, letting his tongue graze over your pulsing clit, before licking another stripe and then latching his lips around your bundle of nerves, pressing a chaste kiss before sucking harshly.
The room fills with your high-pitched moans, gasping for air and clutching desperately onto the fabric of the couch as he works you, alternating between sucking your clit between his teeth and grazing his tongue over your entrance. He darts his tongue into your sopping entrance to gather more of your arousal, spitting harshly onto your cunt and grazing it around your folds using his tongue. And the more you writhe desperately below him, the more his movements become ravenous, working you like a starved animal as he eats you out and pries your legs open.
โFelix,โ you groan, reaching a hand out to push his face further into you. โFeels so fucking good.โ
He smiles against you, responding with little kisses peppered on your inner thighs, before moving back to your clit and licking in harsh back and forth motions. Your cunt clenches around nothing, desperate for him to fill you, but not wanting him to halt the motion of pleasuring you with his tongue. And as his fingers graze along your thigh to pry you open again, you gasp when he brings the same hand to your clit and rubs vigorously.
Your body is shaking now, trembling with anticipation as you approach your orgasm. But Felix doesnโt stop to gauge your reactions at all- in fact, if you were to cum right now, heโd keep going at this pace regardless. Heโs too fixated on the taste of your arousal in his mouth, the melodious moans you let out for him and the way you reach for nothing tangible as he works you.
As your head throws back in pure ecstasy, you feel his fingers move lower, and lower, until heโs grazing your entrance with his knuckles in a teasing motion. And before you can ask him to fuck you with them, heโs already inserting two fingers, increasing the pace of his tongue as he begins to thrust in and out of you. Your cunt contracts eagerly around his fingers, desperate for release now as he matches the rhythm of his tongue with his fingers, the room teeming with the sounds of your squelching pussy. As he pushes deeper into you, you feel his ring- the cold, stiff metal of your now matching rings, graze your entrance, sending a wave of pleasure over your trembling body. His fingers work in and out of you, the cold metal pressing itself on your clit as he bottoms out inside of you and moves his fingertips in quick come hither motions to stimulate you. Your abdomen contracts harshly with every thrust now, your clit throbbing as he traces it with his tongue and peppers it in hot, wet kisses.
โFelix, fuck, Iโm- gonna cum for you,โ you warn, your voice shaky as he moves even faster, showing no mercy with his movements as he groans against your exposed flush.
โLet go for me,โ he commands plainly, his deep voice vibrating against your clit as he holds his tongue there. โAlways give me such a fucking show, baby. Make a mess for me.โ He speaks between kisses on your glistening folds, alternating between pouting his lips to make out with your cunt and let his tongue wag over your sensitive core.
As you feel his fingers thrust into you one last time, the cold metal of his ring gliding over your folds in its coat of arousal, your abdomen contracts over him, your cunt clenching in syncopation with your fervent moans as you finally let go and dribble your juices all over his freckled face. He wastes no time cleaning you up, lapping at your core to swallow your release and pepper your dampened flesh with tender kisses.
โStay there,โ Felix orders, reaching beside him as your eyes flutter shut in overstimulation. You lie completely listless, your limbs languid and heartbeat pulsing at a now slowing rate throughout your body.
Felix brings his camera up to you again, sitting up on his knees and snapping a photo of your wearied state, his eyes wide with lust as he admires the way your legs hang loosely at your sides. His lens adjusts to capture your parted lips and flushed cheeks, your hands tugging your skirt down again and the smile on your breathless lips when you open your eyes again.
Felix stands up now, approaching you with the camera and letting his slender fingers graze your lips.
โSuck,โ he orders, inserting the same two fingers down your throat as his other hand positions the lens in front of you. And you oblige eagerly, your lips wrapping around his digits to suck your own arousal off of him, your tongue swirling around the salty metal of his ring to rid him of your juices.
His photos capture exactly that- your lips wrapped around his knuckles, the kisses you trail down his fingers and the way your tongue licks the perimeter of your matching jewelry clean.
When youโre finished, you release him with a gentle pop, Felix letting his camera hang loosely at his waist again and using his now free hand to tilt your head up to meet his gaze.
โSo beautiful,โ he says resolutely, bringing you up for a gentle kiss. โYou were always such a good model for me.โ
*
When you work an early shift, you make it a point to kick Felix out of your apartment no later than 9, or sometimes 10. Youโre not staying the night, youโd explained as a non-negotiable condition, wanting to avoid the awkward antics that come with sleeping alongside each other and waking up in his arms. But tonight, you canโt seem to let go of him, letting his arms wrap you in their warm embrace as he presses kisses to your forehead and tells you stories of college that you werenโt around for.
โIt was the worst group I ever had for a project,โ Felix says in a chuckle. โI donโt know how I passed that course.โ
โYou shouldโve requested a different group,โ you say in a sleepy voice, smiling as you play the humorous tale in your head.
โI did!โ He exclaims. โI donโt think the professor liked me enough to let me switch so late in the semester.โ
โWell, you got through it,โ you reply, letting your hand intertwine with his as your rings rub tenderly against each other. โI canโt say the same.โ
Felix chuckles lightly, pressing a kiss to the back of your hand and letting your hands rest against each other. He thinks for a moment, and then rubs his thumb along your hand lovingly as he begins to speak again.
โI want to take so many photos of you in the spring. Thereโs this new lens I want to try.โ
You pause briefly, opening your eyes to look at him, and then you cock your head slightly before responding.
โYou wonโt be here for the spring, Felix. Youโll be back at school.โ
He swallows nervously, pondering your words, and then he exhales deeply before continuing.
โI donโt think college is for me, either.โ
The words hit you like a truck the second they escape his lips- you sit up in bed to look at him, releasing his hand from yours and furrowing your brows together.
โWhat?โ
โIโve been meaning to tell you, I just wasnโt sure how to bring it up. I want to stay here, with you.โ
โNo, you donโt,โ youโre quick to say, shaking your head.
โI do,โ Felix admits sheepishly. โEverything makes sense here. Being with you, the town, the people- I think Iโm meant to be here, too.โ
โNo, youโre not,โ you say, pulling away from him even further as he sits up now, too. โFelix- this isnโt your life. You need to go back to school, and pick a major and live your life.โ
โI donโt want those things,โ Felix responds frustratedly. โI want you. I want this town. I donโt care if you donโt want to date, Iโll stay by your side regardless. I canโt just leave you.โ
โYou can, and you will.โ
Felix narrows his eyes, anger quickly overtaking him as his face flushes a dark shade of red.
โSo youโre allowed to and Iโm just not? Who are you to dictate what I do with my life?โ
โThis is the life I made for myself,โ you reply, exasperated. โItโs not some soul-searching pit stop like it is for you.โ
โMaybe itโs not for me, either.โ
Youโre entirely off the bed now, your hands making angry gestures as you try to verbalize your feelings toward him, Felixโs voice growing increasingly irate as you attempt to.
โYou know why I left you in the first place?โ You question. โBecause I was dragging you down. You had everything- a family, a future and a girlfriend who didnโt quite have things made the way you do. No one even understood why we were together, Felix. Iโm not gonna drag you down a second time just because we had sex a couple times.โ
โIs that all this is to you?โ Felix inquires angrily. โJust sex? It doesnโt seem that way when youโre all over me at Seungminโs parties calling me your โbest friendโ. That doesnโt sound like just sex to me-โ
โYou are my best friend,โ you interrupt frustratedly, tears falling from your eyes now as you try to make him listen.
โYou are my best friend, and I donโt want this life for you. The night I left you, my dad was moved to hospice, and my mom decided she wanted nothing to do with it. I knew youโd be wasting the best years of your life taking care of me, staying by my side like the good person you are, but that it would get in the way of college and your life. It wasnโt easy for me to do, Felix, breaking up with you and getting as far away from you as possible before I could change my mind. But you have a life outside of me, and I need you to go be that person still.โ
Felix says nothing in response for several minutes, his eyes welling with tears, too, as you wipe your eyes with your inner wrists and avert his gaze. You hate when Felix sees you cry- itโs embarrassing, and it feels shameful. It feels the way it did when Felix skipped classes to be with you, neglected studying for his exams to hold you as you cried, rain checked his own family to be with yours and dragged you to every house party, so that he could fuck your sadness away in an environment that wasnโt a hospital bathroom or your childhood room.
โHow dare you imply the time I spent with you was wasted,โ he scoffs, his lip quivering as he wipes his own eyes. โYou were my life, outside of all of this. And you still are, and youโre so stubborn in doing that thing where you donโt let yourself feel.โ
You watch as Felix gathers his camera, stuffing it back into his bag and slinging it over his shoulder.
โYou said youโre somewhere between the fire and the mending. But you donโt talk about the fire. You just shut it out like you do with everything else.โ
He pivots on his heel, making his way toward the door and walking with loud, purposeful strides. You begin to say something, quickly swallowing your words again as he reaches for the doorknob and turns it slowly. Felix pauses momentarily, hoping youโll ask him to stay, apologize, forgive- anything, any sort of indication that this is what you want, too. But as the door opens, your silence is answer enough for him.
โNo one could have prevented the fire,โ Felix says before leaving, echoing the words you told him so long ago. โYou can pick up, and move on, but it still happened. And just because things burned, doesnโt mean youโre not allowed to thrive again.โ
Without another word from you, heโs disappearing out your front door, his camera bag swaying on his side as he marches out the building and back to his car.
And you feel yourself begin to cry, your heart contracting painfully in your chest, a pit forming in your stomach as you witness him walk out of your life again. The flames burn inside of you all over again, turning organ to ash as you wipe your never-ending tears and slam the door behind him. Itโs akin to when your mother left, when your dad passed and when you left Felix the first time. Itโs overwhelming, it consumes you whole, your entire figure trembling as you fail to extinguish the flames. The phenomenon begs the question- had the fire ever really stopped? Were you ever in the process of mending if not wailing like this, your vulnerability on display for the world to see as your walls are finally let down? Is this what it means to feel?
*
There are few people in this world who have seen you cry. Your mom, one of them, when you begged her to stay. Your dad, another, when you held his hand through his last breath. Felix, the third, several times throughout your relationship with him.
And the folks in this town- never. Not once have they witnessed you wail the way Felix has, tears brimming your eyes as you fail to keep your emotions at bay, mucus trickling down to your lips in an inelegant manner as you cry, and cry and cry.
โYou want some coffee?โ Chris asks awkwardly, scratching the back of his head as he watches you bury your face in the sleeves of your sweatshirt.
โNo.โ
โYena should be here any minute,โ he adds, his voice softening as he watches you lift your head to give him a nod.
โHang in there, kiddo,โ Chris finishes, rubbing your back in small circles and giving you a gentle pat.
As you rest your chin in your hands, a pounding headache overtaking your whole being, a knock at the front door catches your attention. Itโs Yena, a hood thrown over her head as she balances a tupperware container in her hands and peers through the window. Chris gives her a knowing look, making his way to the door and unlocking it for her.
โHey,โ Yena says softly as she enters, setting down a slice of pie in front of you and taking a seat on the stool beside you. โYou okay?โ
You sniffle once, shaking your head sorrowfully as she awaits your explanation. But nothing is verbalized yet, and for a good few minutes, all you can do is cry.
Yena wraps you in her loving embrace, letting your tears stain the shoulder of her hoodie, as Chris shrugs from behind you and delivers reassuring pats to your back. Theyโre just as confused as each other, awaiting a reason or some story, but you canโt bring yourself to vocalize your thoughts, especially when youโre a crying mess like this. Chris finally ushers Yena to say something, and she does, albeit reluctantly.
โYou know, just between us, I think heโs a little dorky, anyway. Itโs his loss if he canโt see what heโs missing.โ
And to their surprise, you chuckle lightly, still wiping tears with the corners of your sweatshirt.
โWhat?โ You question, a soft hiccup escaping your lips as you speak. Yena furrows her brows, together shooting a questioning look to Chris, who shrugs in response.
โIs thisโฆ not about Felix?โ She queries hesitantly.
โIt is,โ you emphasize, another giggle escaping your lips. โBut itโs not that heโs not interested. We used to date, Yena.โ
At this, Yena reaches around to swat Chrisโ shoulder, pursing her lips together as she speaks again. โI knew something was up,โ she voices, swatting Chris again. โChristopher over here was convinced he was too into you.โ
โYou guys talked about it?โ You add, giggling softly into the sleeve of your sweater.
โIt was hard not to,โ Yena responded, giving you an empathetic look. โThe way you guys light up a room when youโre together, itโs like winter turns to spring or something. I was so certain he was the one.โ
At this, more tears escape the corners of your eyes, falling onto the counter below you as you nod slowly in regards to her words.
โI love him,โ you finally say, and the room goes silent when you do.
โI love him, and he deserves better than me. Than this,โ you finish, gesturing around you to the town. โHe wants to drop out of college and stay here. Like thatโs a good idea for anyone except me.โ
Yena and Chris give each other staggered looks, unsure of what to reply to first. Theyโve never heard you speak of your emotions like this, never seen you cry and never wouldโve guessed that you would let down your guard to this degree around them. Itโs a little frightening, at first, to watch you tear down your own walls so much, like watching a different person than the one theyโve known for all these years. But itโs also reassuring to see that you are capable of letting yourself open up for the right people. It takes a weight off their shoulders to bear witness to the confirmation that theyโre the people you can go to when you need help, the same way they donโt hesitate to lean on you. And it especially gives solace to know that you feel so deeply at all, a trait Yena and Chris have always pushed you to familiarize yourself with.
โWell whatโs stopping you?โ Yena asks, threading her fingers in your hair and combing it back like your mother used to.
โExactly that,โ you respond. โI donโt want to confine him to this life of mine.โ
โLet me ask you something,โ Yena states, taking your hands in hers and bringing your gaze up to meet hers. โAre you happy?โ
And the question throws you off guard, requiring a moment to think before you can say anything in response. Itโs a fair question, too- one you shouldโve asked yourself when you agreed to move here years ago. But itโs not a difficult one to crack, either, when you take in your surroundings. The diner across the street is packed with patrons, happily sipping away at milkshakes and glass bottles of soda. This old record shop, with its dingy back room and rows of genres you make an effort to learn about whenever you get a chance. The starlings that flock when the train travels through, the holiday parties you find a home in and your favorite spot on the hill, overlooking all of Ember. Theyโre all working parts of one larger phenomenon- that of happiness.
โYeah,โ you reply, nodding to affirm your answer. โI love it here. And I love you guys, and Iโm still healing most days, but I wouldnโt want to be doing it anywhere else.โ
A smile grows on Yenaโs face as she glances back between you and Chris, and he shoots her a little nod.
โThen do something about it,โ she finally says, giving your hands a little squeeze. โThe first step is letting yourself feel. The rest is up to you to run with.โ
And when you meet her gaze, and Chrisโ gaze, their loving expressions looking down at you like youโre one of their own, you canโt help but pull them into a hug, letting yourself cry a little harder at the prospect of your found family, these tears ones of happiness.
โI love you guys,โ you voice confidently. โAnd Iโm sorry if Iโve never said it out loud.โ
Chrisโ hand pats your back, Yenaโs combing through your hair tenderly, as they hug you with equal enthusiasm and allow you to cry as long as you need.
โWe love you, kid,โ Chris answers.
And when you pull away again, the three of you laugh, your tears staining your reddened faces as you bask in this unconditional appreciation for one another.
โEat your pie,โ Yena says, shoving a fork toward you. โAnd Chris, play some music, will you?โ
Chris salutes her, pulling a random record off the shelf and scanning its contents.
โPolish folk?โ He questions, and you glance at the familiar cover of the record, the same couple dipping into a bow as they dance in their colorful fabrics.
โThis oneโs really good,โ you chime in, taking a bite of cherry pie as you nod toward the record player. โWe should dance to this one.โ
And as Chris starts the upbeat music, pulling Yena in for a comedic waltz, you canโt help but laugh through your tears, at the home this townโs given you in all your mending.
*
Felix hasnโt been at the record shop since your fight. He hasnโt been at your apartment, nor the diner, or even Seungminโs place (and yes, you did ask). Thereโs only one place you know Felix would flock to after a night like the one you shared, and if youโre lucky, you should still be able to catch him on his supposed last night here.
The grassy hill is a little slippery at this hour, caked mud enwreathing your sneakers as you trudge your way up the hill and into the familiar dip of the land. And as the horizon becomes visible to you, spanning the length of the town and showcasing all the bright lights the nighttime flaunts, so does Felix, sitting with his back to you in a plain white t-shirt and jeans. He looks more casual tonight, less dressed with the intention to look a specific way, and you canโt help but smile at the sight of his slim frame taking in the view you led him to. He leans back on his hands, eyes scanning the sight of the town, before picking up his camera and snapping a series of photos.
When you occupy the spot next to him, he glances over at you briefly, before turning his attention back to the camera and waiting for you to speak.
โItโs prettier at night, isnโt it?,โ you finally say, breaking the silence, and Felix fixes his gaze on the blurry lights of the record shop.
โYeah,โ he responds curtly, swallowing nervously as he ponders what to say.
And you know if you let him facilitate this conversation, itโd be over much sooner rather than later, but you also know that itโs up to you to make amends now.
โYour photography is still so beautiful,โ you state, gesturing to the camera in his hands. โItโs always been so artistic.โ
Felix remains quiet, toying with the strap on his camera as you speak.
โYouโre artistic,โ you continue. โAnd thatโs why I want you to finish college. Donโt throw all this away for me.โ
He turns his face to meet your gaze, his eyes trembling a little as you give him an empathetic look and shrug.
โI donโt want to go where you wonโt follow,โ Felix says, his voice coming out a little shaky.
โBut Iโll always be here,โ you retort, tears beginning to prick the corners of your eyes again. โDonโt put your life on hold for something that already lives in your past. You are an incredible person, Felix, and Iโm not gonna drag you down a second time.โ
Felix thinks for a moment, swallowing a lump in his throat as he thinks over your words. And he knows that thereโs a possibility this isnโt what he wants, either- to stay in this little town with your friends heโs not even sure like him very much. But he does know he wants you, and that staying here would mean sacrificing his old life.
โI want you to know it wasnโt your fault,โ Felix says after a brief pause of silence. โNobody who walked out deserved you. And your dad loved you- a lot. I think about that moment watching the sunrise with you every day. Heโs there too, part of that memory tucked away in my mind. Iโm sorry it happened so suddenly and disrupted things. I just want you to be happy.โ
โI am happy, Felix,โ you tell him, chuckling lightly as you respond. โI have a whole family here. I donโt spend my holidays alone, I meet new people working at the shop everyday. Thereโs so many people I havenโt introduced you to. There are coffee shops, and parades on weekends, and Iโm happy. Iโm still healing, but Iโve also realized that being healed doesnโt equate my happiness. I can be one without the other, and still get by just fine.โ
Felixโs gaze is fixed on yours for a moment, not saying anything as he lets your words circle his mind. And thereโs so much he wants to say in response, so many questions about what the future means for you both, but he also knows very well that the rest is up to him to figure out, just the way you did when you moved out here. Maybe youโre still healing- and maybe Felix is still figuring out the rest for himself, too. And though the past may be clouded by a story much more complex than either of you can even begin to comprehend, the happiness you seek is attainable, whether or not youโre together to see it through to the end. That although sometimes things may burn and decay like this town once did, there are people who will make the journey to help in the process of rebuilding, and you can thrive again. You can always thrive again.
โYouโre right,โ Felix says, as he looks over the horizon again. โIt is prettier at night.โ
The dim glow of the streetlights contrasts the flashy signs of the diner and the record shop, painting the blackened town with vivid color and bringing life to the small town of Ember.
And with a half smile, Felix pulls you in for a tender kiss, the two of you letting your apologies flow through each other in the gentle embrace of your lips and your hands intertwining atop the grassy hill.
Felix pulls you close, letting your head rest comfortably against his chest, as he caresses your hand softly in the grasp of his. And his index finger rubs lovingly against your ring finger, your matching rings grazing against each other as if to say Iโve always loved you.
*
Small town at the edge of the world. No particular time of day. A blossoming summer.
If you told the average person to shut their eyes and think of their favorite city, theyโd probably conjure up a lengthy description about the booming skyscrapers, the bumper-to-bumper traffic, the fancy restaurants and the well-kept people. Point it out on a map, youโd tell them, and their finger would land in the heart of the amorphous blob of whatever state theyโve chosen.
Now move your finger to the right- keep going, and going, and donโt stop until youโre almost off the map entirely. There will be no major indicators, no colorful dots on this area of the map. You might miss it, in fact, if you shoot too far.
Thatโs the small town of Ember. A town Felix holds very close to his heart. And one you call home.
The cicadas buzz with high-pitched melodies of summer as you slip your sneakers on, the piercing blue sky around you almost too bright to look directly in its face. The clouds seem to shift with the summer breeze, drifting along the canvas sky like a painting in motion as you take in the sight around you
โLetโs go!โ Yena calls, honking her horn twice to signify her arrival.
โIโm coming!โ You call back, making your way down the stairs of her porch, balancing trays of food in hand as you account for everything youโve agreed to bring. Drinks, plates, pie, napkins- your signature arrangement for the townโs summer festival you attend alongside Chris and Yena every year.
โSlow down, kiddo,โ Chris says with a chuckle, as you rush to place everything in the backseat. โOh, and thereโs a letter for you on the porch table,โ he adds, shooting you a small wink.
โIโll be right back!โ you call to Yena, jogging back up the stairs to collect the little beige envelope that rests atop the wooden surface.
Itโs addressed to you, the handwriting in neat swirly black cursive letters, the envelope feeling sturdy between your fingers. You tear it open with no real aim, a giant gash working down the envelope as you rush you pull out the contents and examine them.
Itโs a stack of photos, you quickly realize, sorting through them to make out the glossy digital prints.
Thereโs a photo of you in the back of the record shop, your hands brought up to your face and your legs hanging lazily off the table. Another showcases you in the familiar beige interior of the passengerโs seat, laughing cheerfully and staring out the window. There are photos of the townโs horizon, photos of the record player at your work, Yenaโs famous pie, Seungminโs holiday party and even the matching rings, intertwined hands that rest on the car console. As you shuffle to the last photo, you recognize it to be much more recent than the others, even the quality looking clearer, perhaps a new camera or a different roll of film.
Itโs a still photo of Felix, from the waist up, holding a peace sign up to the lens with a small smile. Heโs dressed brightly in a white vest and layered jewelry, the background showcasing a blue harbor with rows of boats, the location indistinguishable to you. Heโs blonde again, his now shorter golden tresses framing the myriad of freckles that scatter his face once more. And he looks happy, much like himself again.
You wonder briefly who took the photo of him, the angle being of very close proximity. And you canโt make out which hand usually houses the ring you both wear, the only hand visible to you covering his ring finger, regardless. You scan the photo for a moment, running your fingertips over his figure, before turning it over and reading the neatly scribbled text on the back:
Sydney, last fall. I think Iโm the only photography major who doesnโt drink my coffee without sugar. And you were right, the freckles do suit me better.
All my love,
Felix.
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