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megalony · 3 months

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Beautiful Destruction- Part 2

This is the second part in my latest Evan Buckley series, I hope you will all like it. Feedback is always amazing, let me know what you think.

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911 Masterlist

Part 1

Summary: Evan's self-destruct behaviour lands him in therapy, where he connects with (Y/n). Everything starts changing when she transfers to the 118 and their worlds collide.

Enjoy.

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"So, your dad tells me you've joined the one-eighteen."

(Y/n) smiled around the rim of her coffee cup and looked down at the swirling puffs of steam circling into the air. She tried to curb her smile down and tame her reaction, she didn't want to seem overly keen or suddenly worried. But one look at Athena had (Y/n)'s eyes creasing at the corners and she put down her cup so it stopped morphing her smile.

"Any specific reason why… is it to do with your dad?" Athena perched her elbows down on the table and placed her cup down in front of her. She had been a little more than surprised when Bobby came home three days ago and told her that (Y/n) was the official new member of the team. The reason (Y/n) didn't join the 118 when she first became a fire fighter was because they didn't want anyone to think Bobby would favour her or lose his judgement with his daughter on the team.

"Felt like I was missing out," (Y/n) shrugged her shoulders while she shuffled forward on her seat and leaned over the table.

"Hm. You sure? I'm glad you both seem happy with the switch, it's just a little sudden."

"I fancied a change, I'm always listening out for their team on the radio, checking in, you know? Thought working with them might be easier."

It was partially true. (Y/n) did cling to the radio when she heard her dad's team attending to a call out or a rapidly spreading fire. She always listened when one of them was being taken to hospital and when they had their mayday calls and it made her anxious. (Y/n) knew if one of her dad's team got injured, it set off his own panic and she always wanted to make sure if he got hurt, she could go straight to him.

Moving to their team would stop that panic and give (Y/n) the feeling of being understood and looked out for. At least if she couldn't count on the rest of the team like her old station, she knew she could always count on her dad to watch her back and make sure she was alright.

"Well you're certainly your father's daughter which will shake things up in that place."

"No kidding. Eddie isn't sure what to make of me and Chimney is kissing my behind to suck up to dad. It's gonna take a while to settle in."

(Y/n) had only worked three shifts with the team so far but she was slowly finding her feet and falling into place with them. She had some medical knowledge and background which meant that while she gelled with Hen and Chimney, she also had a link to Eddie. He wasn't a paramedic like them but he was an army medic and (Y/n) and Eddie were on standby for any medical emergencies that got out of hand.

Hen seemed fine with (Y/n), she had heard about her from Athena, naturally, which was a good thing. But Chimney was gluing himself to (Y/n) so he could ask things about Bobby and try to stay on Bobby's good side. It was endearing but it was also a little unsettling.

Whereas Eddie wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to make her welcome, (Y/n) could sense that. But he didn't want to overstep the mark or do anything that would unsettle the foundations because she was Bobby's daughter that that automatically meant to tread lightly.

Evan was a whole other situation.

It felt rather easy to work alongside Evan and fit in. He automatically took to showing her the ropes and their way of doing things and his joking manner made things simple. They could have a laugh and try to play things cool so no one guessed there was something going on with them behind closed doors.

"You'll fit in just fine, especially after one of their parties." Athena rose her brows and grinned before she finished the rest of her coffee. A party would be just the thing to get (Y/n) officially intergrated into their team and have her become one of them.

If it was anything like the Christmas party, (Y/n) would be in for a treat.

She and Evan might have to abstain from the alcohol though. She could barely remember that night and she knew Evan didn't remember it either. Drunken nights of passion were all well and good, but not when both their minds were ticking time bombs.

When her phone buzzed in her pocket, (Y/n) put down her cup and dug around in her back pocket.

'Hey, kind of had a rough shift. Fancy a drink? Don't wanna be alone tonight. XX'

(Y/n) rolled her lips together as she felt her shoulders slump down. Her weight fell onto her elbows on the table and she sank her teeth into her lower lip.

That didn't sound good.

Evan didn't seem the type who would admit when he had a bad day. From what he said in therapy, he kept his problems to himself. Asking for help wasn't easy for anyone and he wasn't ready to do that yet, but this was close. He was admitting something was wrong and he was asking her for some sort of help. Drinking the night away might not be helpful, but (Y/n) could certainly give Evan some company and check that he was alright.

'Sure, on my way. XX'

"Do you mind if I head off?"

"Sure, you got plans?"

(Y/n) slipped her phone back into her pocket and drained the last drop of her coffee. Evan had timed that right. (Y/n) had come over to have tea with Athena and May who had already shot off back home before her night shift at the call centre. Since they had eaten and the coffee was empty, (Y/n) didn't feel bad about leaving. She had spent the majority of the afternoon with Athena, she could spare the evening for Evan.

"A friend wants to meet for a drink."

Again, she wasn't technically lying. She was just keeping some things to herself.

It surprised (Y/n) how quick it was to get from her dad's house over to Evan's apartment. She wondered fi Evan had realised how close he was to work and to Bobby when he moved in here. He probably did. He seemed like the kind of person who wanted to be surrounded by his family and friends, he didn't want to be far away from those he cared about.

Surprise and apprehension flooded through (Y/n)'s stomach all at once when she approached Evan's apartment and found the door unlocked. He had buzzed her in, logically he had unlocked the door too. But he normally waited for her to knock.

She knocked anyway and slowly opened the door, peeking her head round as she shouted a quiet, "Evan, you okay?"

Her eyes flitted to the kitchen and once she saw his broad frame, she shut the front door behind her and picked up the pace to go into the kitchen. She unhooked her bag from her shoulder and slung down on the counter but (Y/n) couldn't drag her eyes away from him.

Evan was leaning back against the counter next to the sink, pressing his lower back and hips rather tightly into the counter edge. He had one leg crossed over the other, one hand propped up behind him on the counter, presumably to stabalise himself. And a half-full beer bottle in his other hand. The way he rose the bottle to his lips and took a swig made his Adam's apple bob up and down and his neck tensed and flexed.

If she wasn't looking so intently, (Y/n) would have missed the way his head tilted to one side before correcting itself and holding straight again.

"Are you okay… what happened at work?"

He drained the bottle. In one swoop, the last half of the bottle was drunk and he let the bottle drop into the sink with a clash. The sound echoed through the kitchen and made (Y/n) shudder and when she pushed up on her toes to look across at the sink, she sucked in a deep breath. He'd had quite a lot to drink. A few beers, a few shots of vodka by the look of the empty bottle that they had cracked open last week and didn't finish.

"Cap sent me home." Evan's lips pulled into a tight grin that was full of sarcasm but it masked the pain well. The only trace of hurt was swirling in his baby blue eyes that burned into (Y/n)'s so much she felt like melting into a puddle on the floor.

"Why?"

"We had a car crash, the engine caught fire while I was getting the kids out… I got them both out, but they didn't make it."

Evan dropped his head down to stare at his bare feet for a while. It didn't matter that he got them out. It didn't make a difference when Evan crawled out of that car with one kid in each arm and heaved himself over to the ambulance just as the car exploded. All that mattered was his efforts weren't good enough.

Nothing he did was ever good enough and those parents would have to live without two of their three children. Evan couldn't help them.

"Did you get hurt?"

His eyes narrowed and a flash of uncertainty pooled in his eyes. His lips pressed together tightly and he braced both hands on the counter as his eyes followed (Y/n)'s approach.

He stayed still and deathly silent as she moved to stand in front of his legs and leaned her stomach into his like they were about to join in a dance. Her fingertips felt like heaven against his skin and her touch made his skin prickle with heat and adrenaline and his blood fizzled in his veins.

"Why? Doesn't matter, I'm still here-"

"It matters to me. It matters that you would of hurt yourself to get them out." (Y/n) didn't have to be there to know what Evan would have done. She knew he would disobey any order Bobby threw at him to get those kids out. And she knew Evan would of let himself get scolded, burned, scratched and torn apart if it meant getting them out.

He acted first and thought about the consequences later and when he had casualties like this, Evan wouldn't care about his own pain anymore. His turmoil would become irrevelant.

(Y/n) danced her fingertips over his exposed arms, taking in the state of his hands that had a few scold marks near the knuckles and fingertips. His gloves must have started to burn and melt. When she dragged his shirt up to expose his stomach, she watched Evan tip his head back and close his eyes. He wasn't going to stop her. He would do the same if things were the other way around.

No marks, bruises or cuts and burns on his stomach or torso. (Y/n) dragged her hands up to his shoulders and pushed up on her toes so she could lean over his shoulder. He had a minor burn on the back of his neck that went across his right shoulder, but it wasn't deep enough to require hospital treatment.

"Satisfied, baby?"

"No. I'm sorry you lost them, I know it's not easy." Her words made some difference because she wasn't just a girlfriend telling Evan everything was okay. She wasn't an outsider saying she knew what he was going through. (Y/n) had lost people in these situations too, she knew exactly what kind of pain would be rattling through Evan's mind and soul.

"Let's have a drink."

"Evan, baby talk to me-"

"And say what? I almost got crushed to get them out and what good did it do? I carried those kids to the ambulance and… and Bobby wouldn't let me tell their parents I failed them. He wouldn't let me explain how shit I am at this job, that I didn't do it in time."

Words tumbled past his lips before he could stop himself and he waved one hand out in the air before his fingers turned to scratch against his scalp and tug at his hair. He could feel his breaths running away without him and the panic started to bubble back up in his chest.

He hated the panic. It sobered him up. Evan drank to dull down those feelings, not to let them override him again.

"Hey,"

He tried to tilt his head back but he couldn't stop (Y/n) from cupping his face within her palms. Her thumbs brushed beneath his eyes and her fingers stroked against his cheeks as she tilted his head down so she could stand on her tiptoes and press their foreheads together.

They were close enough that Evan could taste her lips and feel each breath she took mingling with his own rapid, shallow breathing.

He couldn't stop himself from reaching up to cup her wrists, silently begging her not to let him go. He didn't want to be without some sort of touch and right now, her touch was the only thing grounding him to the Earth. He let his breaths run away without him but he focused his eyes on hers and shed as many tears as he could to get them out his system.

"Do you want to know what good you did today?"

Evan didn't answer, but he didn't object either, and (Y/n) took that as a sign to keep going.

"You gave those parents closure. One, two, ten seconds later, and they would have no bodies to bury. You don't know what that means to a parent, to have their children home when they pass away. My dad stopped you from telling them because he knew how they would thank you, and he knew you wouldn't be able to handle that. But that's okay, baby. It's okay."

(Y/n) closed her eyes and leaned further into Evan until she finally pressed her lips against his wet, ruby red mouth. She swallowed every little hitched breath and cry he let out, she let him dig his nails into her wrists and sink his teeth down into her lip. And she let his foot reach out and curl around the back of her ankle to drag her closer until every inch of her was pressing down on him.

Evan wanted to feel her weight pushing down on him. He wanted to be pinned between her and the counter to know that he was alive and feel safe with someone who cared.

"But I c-could of saved them-"

"Baby, you don't know that. If they were alive when you got them out, they might still have died on the way to hospital or when they arrived… like my mum." (Y/n) pressed another delicate kiss on Evan's lips while she continued to brush away his tears.

He didn't know what it meant to have loved ones back. (Y/n)'s younger brother died in their house fire years ago but her and Bobby were grateful to the firefighters that managed to get him out. And they were more than grateful that they got her mother out too. She died in the hospital but they still got her out and no one could have done anything more.

No one was blaming Evan; he had no reason to punish himself.

"You gave them back their children, and that's enough. You are enough."

Evan didn't know how important it was for family to have their loved ones back after they died. A lot of people didn't get that. Their families could die in a fire or drown in the sea or be lost and never come home or be found. Parents went to their graves not knowing where their children were and not having graves to visit or ashes to give them comfort.

By getting those kids out, Evan gave those parents that sense of closure. He handed them back their children.

He had done his job the best he could and there was nothing more that Evan could do. He had to come to terms with that and take solace in the small things. Evan needed to accept a little comfort and know he had done enough today.

Punishing himself wasn't going to help anyone when no one was blaming him for what happened today and no one ever would.

'I don't feel like enough.'

Those words were on the tip of his tongue but he couldn't bring himself to say them. Not to someone who would completely understand where he was coming from. Not to (Y/n). He didn't want her to talk him off that ledge, not quite yet.

"Deep breaths… let me make you some coffee." (Y/n) knew the silent message behind her words would reach Evan. She would try and sober him up a little, he didn't need a hangover to haunt him in the morning and he had drunk enough for tonight. Coffee would settle his system and that was what he needed.

(Y/n) kept one hand cupping his face and brushed her thumb across the corner of his mouth. She pressed her chest into his and leaned around him to flick the kettle on, but Evan shook his head.

He let go of her hands so he could wrap one arm around her waist and cup her hip. His nails scrunched up in her shirt and dug through into her skin and he reached his free hand out to grab the neck of the whiskey bottle tucked far back on the counter behind him.

"I think you've had enough, sweetheart."

(Y/n) could feel his resolve start to fade when she held his chin between her thumb and finger and tilted his head away from the bottle to face her. She tugged him down to her level and kissed him while her other hand reached out for his. She pushed the bottle back down onto the counter.

He had drunk enough while he'd been alone, but he wasn't alone now. She was here now and she was going to take care of him.

"I haven't, I can still feel the panic, in here." He let go of the bottle to rub his fist over his chest. The bundle of nerves were still igniting away in his chest and he wanted it to stop. Drinking stopped his panic, it dulled his overactive mind and calmed him down and made it easier to fall asleep. "Have a drink with me."

When his lips pressed against her temple, (Y/n) sighed and hovered her lips against his neck. But her fingers stayed tight around his wrist and she stopped him from reaching back out for the bottle.

She wasn't doing this.

(Y/n) wanted to help Evan, but drinking with him wasn't going to help. She wanted things to be good between them.

If they started to reply on each other to drink together and lose their minds, they would end up harming each other and destructing themselves. (Y/n) wanted to be a support system for Evan and in order to do that, she had to do what was best for him and drowning their sorrows wasn't going to work. (Y/n) knew a lot about relying on alcohol after seeing her dad go through that and she wouldn't let that happen with Evan too.

"Evan, if I drink the night away with you, it's gonna change us. We'll start destructing together, we'll egg each other on and push ourselves past the edge. And I don't wanna lose you like that. Let me look after you-"

A gasp tumbled past (Y/n)'s lips when Evan cut her off.

His hands cupped the back of her thighs and he swiftly hoisted her up off her feet and walked her forward to the kitchen island. He sat her down on the edge of the counter and moved to stand between her legs with his hands digging tightly into her flesh, moving her legs so she hooked them around his torso.

He kept one hand cupping her thigh but his other hand wandered right beneath her shirt, letting his cold fingers travel across her warm skin until she was squirming in front of him.

"Promise me."

"What?" (Y/n) cupped his face in her hands again and leaned her head forward against his.

"Promise you won't let me go. Stay with me, hold me, just don't let me go."

Each word rambled faster and faster past his lips until (Y/n) could barely focus on what he was saying. There was a sense of urgency behind his words and she found herself nodding along, whispering a promise against his lips that devoured her like she was his last meal on Earth.

His hand slipped down from her back to her bum and he pulled her off the counter, forcing her to sit on his hips while he started to walk away from the kitchen with his lips still attached to hers. He drank her in, inhaling and gasping against her mouth and groaning into her lips when her fingers tangled into his hair.

"How drunk are you, Evan? Is this you destructing?"

Her voice sounded like a lullaby dream in Evan's ears and he found himself smiling despite the tears that were still pooling in the corners of his eyes. He pressed his nose against hers and swiped his tongue out across her lip while he stopped at the foot of the stairs.

"Not drunk enough, baby." Her fingers tickled the back of his neck and he swooped down to attach his lips to her neck instead. "And no, it's not. You're my saving grace."

He wasn't trying to get her into his bed so he could use sex as a way of combusting. He was trying to drown himself in (Y/n) because she was the only thing standing between Evan the the void he was staring into. He would lose himself in her eyes, drown in her body and breathe her in until she made everything stop and put the world back to rights.

***

"Self-harming can come in a lot of different forms, it doesn't have to be physical injuries. It's anything we do that purposely hurts or brings us down in any way. Starving ourselves, forcing ourselves into dangerous situations to prove a point or to feel that risk of being hurt. Abusing substances for various reasons."

(Y/n) found her eyes zoning in on the wooden floor, focusing on the little chips and dents that made something pristine look broken and unkept. She could relate to what Harold was saying.

At one point or another, (Y/n) had done a lot of bad coping mechanisms to punish herself or as a way of coping with the world. They didn't always seem bad, but they felt necessary. Running head first into a bad situation despite being told not to because she felt like she deserved to be in danger and because getting hurt would punish her for the things she had done wrong.

"And in your jobs, where your main priority is to help people, if you can't do that… you can end up hurting yourself to cope or as a punishment." Harold rubbed his hands over his knees as he sat up a bit straighter. "Would anyone like to share?"

"I- I think it feels necessary, for me, rather than as a punishment."

"Okay, can you elaborate on that (Y/n)?"

Sitting opposite Evan in the same seats as last week suddenly felt like they were sitting on opposite ends of the ocean. He looked so far away when she lifted her gaze to stare across at him.

He had his arms folded over his chest, his knees bent out to the sides making his thighs look large and inviting and he was slouched down so he didn't look as tall. She knew Evan felt like he was the odd one out, both because he was new to the group and because he looked different. He was young, like her, but he carried himself like he could face the world, until he walked through those doors.

When Evan walked in here, his resolve changed and his control faded away.

"It's necessary to skip a meal because I can save more time, I can do more at work, I can get on with that call ten or twenty minutes quicker because I cut out something that isn't necessary."

"You prioritise?"

"Yeah… I'll take that sense of danger too. The higher the danger, the more adrenaline, the faster I move, the more I can think and act. My expectations rise each time until I'm thinking… skip breakfast, skip lunch, run into a fire without gloves on so I can grab things better and if I get hurt, then that's a good thing. It proves what I'm doing is paying off somehow."

(Y/n) had expectations of what she wanted to do when she was at work. She wanted to be efficient and eating meals took time. It was time to prepare food, set out the dinner and wash the plates and then try and work it off so she didn't feel too full or too tired.

Skipping that meal meant she felt more alert, more agile and she had an extra half an hour to prioritise and get ready and stock the truck.

When she was scared her adrenaline made her think better, the scarier the better because she worked better under pressure. And if that pressure got her hurt, that was okay, that was just the burden of proof of what she was doing and how it was paying off.

But (Y/n) knew the more she thought like this, the more her expectations would rise and she would never meet those goals she set herself. She would end up starving herself to the point of needing a doctor, she would forget safety measures and put herself at risk to be more efficient and helpful.

"And you know, when you don't meet those expectations, you push harder. But when you do meet them, it's not enough because you raise the bar." When (Y/n) nodded and stared down at her hands, Harold looked around the room. That was her telltale sign that she was done opening up. "Anyone else have any other harmful tendencies?"

"I don't take precautions at work anymore."

"What kind of precautions Evan?"

"When we had a factory fire a few weeks back, we were told to evacuate, but I knew someone was still inside. It wasn't safe and I knew going in could cost me everything, but I did it anyway… against orders."

"Why?"

"Because it doesn't scare me. Sometimes… I- I go void, you know? I have days or weeks of not being afraid to risk everything. I know I can do it, so I blunder my way through and I do it."

Evan hated it when he felt that way. He hated that blank, null and void feeling where death didn't phase him and the danger felt limitless and pointless. He ran back into that factory and found a way to get that man out. Granted, he needed the team to come back and help him, but Evan found that man when everyone else was willing to let him die than take a risk.

Evan didn't need the danger and adrenaline to fuel him, but he wanted it because without it, he felt like a zombie.

"Do you get that dopamine rush, when you complete what you set out to do? Does it feel like a reward for you?"

"Not always, that's the bad part." He slumped forward in his chair and leaned his forearms down on his thighs as his back clicked into place. When he didn't get that excitement or that relief at the end of the day, Evan felt like going home and never waking up. What good was the job to him if it didn't give him that boost and that reward or knowing and feeling that he had saved someone?

"So then you keep running into that danger, chasing that high and gratification. What happens on a bad day, Evan? When you're stopped from running into that building or when all your efforts don't work?"

"I drink. I go home, I drown, and I don't wanna get up. I lost someone two days ago on the job and I… fuck, I… I've never felt like that before, but if I had a gun, I might of used it."

Tremors rattled through (Y/n)'s stomach and her arms bound around her chest to stop herself from crying. They weren't really meant to mingle and it was a conflict, her and Evan being in the same therapy group like this. She couldn't afford to give them both away and admit that Evan meant much more to her than a stranger in a weekly meeting.

But how could she stop herself from crying when he'd just admitted the job was killing him?

Being a fireman was his saving grace, it was what Evan wanted to do and he couldn't see himself doing anything else. But losing someone had nearly taken every ounce of him. It wasn't fair. Not when Evan did his level best each and every day and he helped so many people, but now he felt broken.

"Can I ask why it hit you so hard?"

"Because I got them out! I- I had then in my arms, and my efforts did nothing. If my best can't save someone, if it's n-not enough, where does that leave me? So I drink, a lot, and I would of carried on if-" His baby blue eyes welled up with tears and for a split second, he let his eyes linger on (Y/n) before he looked down at his hands and tangled them together. "Uh, if I had more alcohol in the house."

A close save.

Evan would have drank the bottle of whiskey in his apartment and the rest of the beer in the fridge if (Y/n) didn't come over when he asked.

He would of woken up the same way he did when Maddie found him if (Y/n) didn't help him. And he would do it again and again because the drink stopped the panic and the panic fuelled his bad thoughts and turned him on himself.

"Okay. You said before that you binge drink, Evan this is only a suggestion, but I think abstaining from alcohol might be useful. You sound like you're on the path to abusing it and that is a hard path to stray from."

Harold tried to word it as carefully as he could, but he was only saying something that Evan had already been thinking about.

Something that (Y/n) had already talked about.

She didn't want to keep drinking with Evan in case they both got on that abusive path of drinking when their problems worsened. They would end up drinking after every bad shift, drowning the night away and using alcohol to make things better. Then where would they be if they needed a drink to get themselves through a shift at work?

(Y/n) wanted to be Evan's support system and if they were going to help each other, they needed to acknowledge some of their problems.

Alcohol was starting to be a problem for Evan.

He nodded before he bowed his head and hung his hands down between his thighs.

Suddenly, the room felt like it was expanding, like the floor was growing and creating a distance between him and (Y/n). And Evan wanted to run across the room and drop his face into her neck and curl his arms around her waist. He wanted to anchor himself to her, tether his body to hers until he wasn't afraid anymore. Until the night faded away and the day seemed bearable.

Right now, Evan didn't want a drink. He just wanted (Y/n).

#evan buckley #buck imagine #buck x reader #evan buckley x reader #evan buckley imagine #imagine #911 imagine #bobby nash #beautiful destruction

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the-amber-raven · 7 months

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How would the 118 react to clipboard!buck in The ordeal of dating your captain's (adopted) son universe

Tommy gave Evan his first clipboard when he was about 11, because he thought it would be a good way to help Evan feel like he was helping them out when he was visiting the station. Evan absolutely took to them and everyone thought it was completely adorable how seriously he took his clipboarding duties.

Bobby realised what a golden opportunity this was, and bought Evan a clipboard for home, printing off neat checklists of both of their chores and their respective homework/paperwork. There was a brief moment where he regretted it, since all of a sudden it was Evan insisting that his paperwork needed to be done when all he wanted to do was shake off the stress of the day with a solid baking session. However, it got Evan to get much better at keeping track of and actually completing his homework on time so overall Bobby still considered the whole thing to be a massive parenting win for him.

No one really remembered Clipboard Evan until about halfway into Buck's probationary year, when he got asked to do the inventory and did so by wielding his trusty clipboard.

The newer members of the crew were mildly terrified at just how thorough he was with that clipboard and how strictly he adhered to everything on it but most of them figured it was probably Bobby's fault - growing up as the son of a fire Captain had to have had an impact, after all.

Chimney, however, texted Tommy cursing him for ever introducing Evan to clipboards, sure that he was at fault for Buck's obsessive behaviour with them.

The older members of the crew mostly fell into reminiscing, except that just made Buck even stricter since he was worried that they would see him as that kid again rather than their colleague, at which point they became a little dumbfounded and vowed to try and keep him away from clipboards in future.

Hen found it absolutely hilarious, right up until Buck told her off for something in her ambulance, at which point she told Eddie to distract his boyfriend before she took drastic measures.

She wasn't quite sure how to react when Eddie admitted that he was finding it way too cute and hot to put a stop to it.

Bobby was resigned that he had no chance of changing anything - and hey, at least he could trust that the checklists were 100% followed!

#9-1-1 #writing #the mortifying ordeal #amber does q&a #clipboard Buck

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putschki1969 · 1 year

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AnimagiC: Worth it or not?

I received the following PM the other day regarding Yuki Kajiura’s upcoming appearance at the German anime convention “AnimagiC”. I thought I would make a proper response post since I’m sure other people will be interested in this as well.

Hello Sarah! I'd like to ask your educated opinion about something, if it's not too much of a bother. I saw your post about Yuki Kajiura being invited to AnimagiC. I consider attending as this may be my one chance to see her and her singers perform live. I have never attended to such events before, so I'm not quite sure how things work. My question would be: Is there a realistic chance that not everyone who is interested will be able to participate at the concert? Since there are no separate tickets for the concert alone, how is it decided who goes and who doesn't if the venue reaches its capacity limit? Is it on a first come, first served basis? I realize that there will be multiple events happening simultaneously, and most probably not everyone will be interested in Kajiura's concert. Still, if I had to trample over others just to get myself a spot (and as a result perhaps they wouldn't be able to participate), then such a place is not for me. Obviously, I'm asking in general as I cannot expect you to know the details about the upcoming convention. I don't know whether I was able to convey my thoughts properly. Thank you in advance!

Key facts

AnimagiC 2023 takes place from Aug 4th to 6th at the Congress Center Rosengarten in Germany (it’s a 15-minute walk from Mannheim central station). With roughly 25k-30k visitors each year, it is certainly not the biggest anime convention in Europe or even Germany but AnimagiC has always been able to impress with its fancy locations and big Japanese guests. The current venue offers space for about 9k participants (not counting the surrounding area), the main concert hall can accommodate around 2,4k people and the second largest hall can accommodate around 1,4k people. No matter how you look at it, it’s going to be a tight squeeze during particularly busy hours. The 3-day-ticket is quite reasonably priced at €118 and is probably the best option for everyone who is coming from a bit further away. Typically, big guest acts have a rather packed schedule for at least two if not all three days of the convention so if you have the means, it pays off to attend on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. One thing I would like to add here is that the convention is almost 100% geared towards a German speaking audience so if you don’t know any German, it might be a little tricky to navigate your way around the whole thing.

First come, first served

The tickets for AnimagiC pretty much cover every activity on the schedule which is both a blessing and a curse. When everything is included you avoid a lot of extra costs but obviously, it’s all on a first come, first served basis so there is always a chance that a specific part of the program will be over-crowded to a point where certain people won't be able to participate. There's no way to buy yourself into any of these activities via fast-passes or VIP tickets so it really is a matter of prioritising where you wanna be and getting there as early as possible. This can be quite tricky when multiple interesting activities happen simultaneously or back to back. As of right now, the announcement of YK's guest appearance has had the biggest response on the official AnimagiC Twitter account so she will probably be the most popular act there, attracting huge crowds. Many hardcore and even casual fans might camp-out at a certain location for the entire day to secure front-row-seats or good spots in a queue so you have to take that into account when you are planning your own schedule. I personally wouldn’t recommend such behaviour because it’s incredibly rude and you risk missing out on a lot of other cool stuff but of course many people would disagree with me. As far as the concerts are concerned, I would wager it is possible to get a seat if you get there about 2-3 hours in advance but there’s no way to know for sure. My best guess is that the majority of convention visitors will most likely be distracted by other convention activities and only start heading to the concert halls once a big event is about to start. As long as you can outrun those crowds, you might be fine.

Possible program

The organisers of AnimagiC won’t be releasing the full program until July so it’s difficult to predict what awaits us. However, based on past events, a few things are very likely to happen. AnimagiC typically schedules a variety of fun activities for their honorary music guests which definitely justify the convention ticket prices. Among those activities you can expect at least two types of live performances on separate evenings (one live might be a joined act with other artists). As one of the bigger names on the line-up, YK and FJ will surely get to perform at prime time in the main hall with very few simultaneous events taking place to ensure that everyone will get a chance to attend. There will probably be one bigger (more general) panel with several Japanese guest acts and another one that’s dedicated to YK and FJ (most likely including interactive stuff such as a Q&A or game corner). One thing that’s also almost always guaranteed at AnimagiC is the chance to get your hands on a handwritten autograph from all the guests. Keep in mind though that there are many different ways in which that can happen. In order to participate in signing sessions, you might have to take part in some sort of lottery and in many cases you will be required to purchase official releases/merchandise. Big guests might not even show up to a proper signing session due to certain label/management restrictions, they will simply write the autographs in advance and then later during the event, staff members will hand them over (this happened with Aimer last year).

Overall, I can recommend visiting this convention to everyone who

is a big anime/manga fan

is located in Europe

won’t travel to Japan any time soon

wants a chance to see YK and the FJ girls up-close

doesn’t mind chaos and huge crowds

#yuki kajiura #kajiura yuki #fictionjunction #personal #random musings #I'm still undecided #you get a lot closer to the artists at these conventions than you do during regular concerts in Japan #but you probably have to fight for it #which is not what I am into

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milenadaniels · 2 years

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(Need You) Like a Hole in my Pocket, 11.9k - (AO3 link) A dumb idea that led to 12k of repressed!Eddie figuring out he's allowed to want things for himself.

Before he was legally allowed to drink, Eddie looked out the passenger side window of his dad’s truck, and in the dusty, barren nothing of the Texan landscape, he saw his entire life written out for him in someone else’s handwriting.

Eleven years later, walking out of an emergency meeting at Christopher’s school over his son’s recent “behaviour”, Eddie thinks of the view out of his dad’s truck.

And when Buck asks, “So? What happened?”

Eddie lies.

Before he was legally allowed to drink, Eddie looked out the passenger side window of his dad’s truck, and in the dusty, barren nothing of the landscape along the I-10, he saw the rest of his life written out for him in someone else’s handwriting.

All grown up now, sometimes it feels like he never left those hot leather seats.

Never left the heavy awkward silences while the shitty radio tried to pick up stations between towns.

Never escaped the unpredictable staccato of rocks whipping out from under the back tires of the trucks ahead of them to chip away at the windshield.

The rocks never broke the windshield.

They passed through it, somehow leaving the glass intact in front of him, and struck Eddie instead. Eddie, who passed off the blow, the sudden windedness by shifting in his seat, dislodging the stones from his chest and rolling them neatly into his pockets where they would amass over years, growing heavier and heavier until he struggled to breathe as soon as he got up in the morning.

Eleven years later, walking out of an emergency meeting at Christopher’s school over his son’s recent “behaviour”, Eddie thinks of the view out of his dad’s truck and feels the weight of the rocks in his pockets.

A few months ago, before his abrupt leave of absence, Eddie’s phone would have been blowing up with texts from Buck asking for blow by blow updates of what was going on at Christopher’s school. A few months before that, Buck probably would have been going to the meeting with him. But that was before Buck moved back out of the Diaz home (and in with Taylor Kelly).

Before they both started piling up the bricks that turned into walls between them.

Before Eddie left.

Now, only two weeks into being back at the 118, and being in the unfamiliar and uncomfortable position of being unsure and awkward and so damn fragile around each other for the first time since those twelve hours of his first shift, Eddie finds Buck just quietly waiting for him at the bay doors as he’s coming back in.

He takes in Buck’s crossed arms and his expectant eyes, and everything in Eddie wants to reach out. But when he breathes in to speak, he tastes the hot, humid Texan air from the I-10 and can’t get a word out.

Buck straightens, and says “What happened? Is everything okay?”

“Just a misunderstanding,” he replies over the soundtrack in his mind of little clinks against metal, against glass, “nothing to get worked up over.”

He knows Buck doesn’t believe him — he didn’t put that much effort into the lie, honestly — but Eddie claps him on the shoulder and walks away before he can be pressed on it.

Eddie will always regret having been away for so much of Christopher’s life. He’ll always regret that running away cost him watching that helpless little bundle grow into a little boy who could talk and walk and smile and crack jokes. He’ll never get those years back and that’ll never stop hurting.

But he can never quite bring himself to regret running away either.

El Paso was no Houston. It wasn’t the kind of city young people flock to to discover who they are and shoot for the stars. It was the kind of city where you saw your mom’s class picture every time you walked to algebra class, where your football coach was your tía’s new boyfriend, and where, when you graduated, you either became that fool-hearted kid that moved away to follow their dreams or you stayed behind and went into the family business.

Good Christian sons — good first generation American sons — they don’t move away. They grow roots in the soil their parents, their grandparents, prepared for them.

So Eddie stayed in El Paso.

He went into his father’s business.

And it was fine, at first. But the excitement of adulthood faded as quickly as the importance of having been a wrestling star in his senior year of high school did.

Being an adult didn’t bring the promised freedom of being out of school, having his own car, staying out all night, and making his own choices.

It meant wearing a scratchy polo with the family company logo stitched into it, paired with the slacks his mom insisted on ironing every evening so they kept a nice crease.

It meant giving up the idea of weekends off and nights out with the boys because the business was all that mattered.

It meant getting up at 5am to drive across the state with his dad to pitch sales to people he didn’t know for manufacturing products he didn’t give a shit about.

Every morning, it became harder to get out of bed. Harder to smile at his mom in the morning. Harder to get into the cab of the truck and shoot the shit with his dad, having the same stilted conversations over and over again.

Harder to pretend that his dad pushing him to make more sales, to make that commission, because he was a man now, didn’t knock the wind out of him more than being taken to the mat in wrestling.

Harder to stare down the emptiness of the I-10 through the passenger window and pretend he wasn’t counting the miles they drove in the weight of the rocks the road threw his way.

Nobody noticed him slowly suffocating under the weight of expectations. He certainly never spoke of it. What could he say? Thanks but the family business is just not for me? And when they asked what he wanted instead, what the hell would he say?

He wasn’t one of those Houston runaways. As a child, any dreams he had of being a police officer or a star athlete were smiled at fondly and then swept away with the promise of working with his dad — an acceptable trade-off for a little boy who barely ever got to see his old man.

He never thought seriously of having dreams, of striking it big in the world. He’d always been expected to do this. Be this.

So when he was followed out of a business plaza by a guy in a crisp military uniform who said Eddie could do something meaningful, something far away from here, something no one could say was unworthy, he followed the guy back to the kiosk and signed on the dotted line, then and there.

And on the army transport bus bringing him to Fort Sill, Oklahoma for basic training, he opened the window, stuck his hand out into the breeze, and looked out at the I-10. For the first time in years, he didn’t see didn’t see a barren landscape reflecting back at him the emptiness of his life. He saw in the rolling expanses…possibilities.

Carla was with him at the school meeting so when Eddie gets home that night, he’s grateful not to have to debrief her on what happened. All he has to do is avoid her weighted gaze so she doesn’t find an opportunity to impart her wisdom again, and bid her goodnight.

“He’s been quiet,” she says when he doesn’t give her a better opportunity to engage. “I think he’s a bit sad. A little bit…almost ashamed.”

Eddie’s heart breaks. “He doesn’t have an—”

“I know,” Carla interrupts gently. “And neither do you. But it’s there, and I think we both know that it isn’t his to carry.”

Instantly, Eddie’s chest caves in and his eyes burn. He feels Carla squeeze his forearm and then she’s gone, leaving him to the clusterfuck of his emotions.

And it doesn’t feel fair. He’s been working so hard with Frank to deal with all of this bullshit. He stopped having panic attacks, he’s talking more openly about his feelings, he’s trying to create an environment where Christopher can…

…where Christopher can feel comfortable voicing his needs and his wants. Which is exactly what his son has done, and Eddie cannot — will not — let him feel ashamed about that.

So Eddie refuses to spiral and lock down. He does the breathing exercises Frank taught him and when some tears slip through his closed lids he lets them fall and tries really hard not to hate himself for them.

He’s hurting, and it needs to come out, and that’s okay. It’s healthy, even. That’s what Frank would say. Hell, that’s what Buck would say.

A few moments later, when he’s feeling properly wrung out, he breathes some more, heads to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face, and goes to talk to his kid.

Christopher is in his bedroom, watching his new favourite space documentary series on the laptop Eddie got him for school. His headphones — the emotional crutches he’s been using for months to drown out the world — are thankfully still on their hook on the wall, but his eyes are unfocused like he’s not really trying to pay attention. There’s hot chocolate next to the laptop, poured into Buck’s green and yellow mug.

“Hey buddy,” he calls out gently, leaning against the doorframe, “how are you doing?”

Christopher shrugs his shoulders, eyes never leaving the middle-distance near his laptop. In addition to sessions with Frank, Eddie has been participating in some of Christopher’s therapy as family sessions. They’ve been going well, but their next session isn’t for two weeks and this can’t wait that long. This one’s up to them.

Eddie steps into the room and slowly reaches across the desk to pause the video. “We’re getting better at using actual words for when we’re hurting, aren’t we?”

Christopher remains quiet, his fingernail scratching lightly at the arm of his wooden chair.

“Okay, I’ll start,” Eddie says, aiming for a cheerful tone. “Today kind of sucked. I was angry that your teacher accused you of being bad. It wasn’t fair.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Christopher mumbles with just a hint of life.

“And she was wrong, and I’m glad that she understood that. And your counselor too.”

“They didn’t believe me,” Christopher protests again, like he had during the meeting.

“No, they didn’t, and that wasn’t okay, but you know that I did, right? And Carla did too.”

Sullenly, Christopher nods.

The rocks in Eddie’s pockets press against the seams like a warning, but he says, “and you know, Buck was so mad at your school for accusing you.”

Christopher’s body straightens out of its slump and a timid smile brightens up his face. “He was? You told him?”

Eddie nods hesitantly. “Not everything, just yet, but —” Christopher’s smile falters and Carla’s words pierce through him again. It’s not his to carry. If Eddie had been a better father…

He tugs Christopher’s chair out slightly so he can crouch in front of him, hands on his knees and waiting patiently for his attention.

“Mijo, you did nothing wrong. I’m not upset with you. I’m only upset with your teacher for giving you a hard time. I just…I think we should talk a little more about it, you know? Make sure we really understand each other so I don’t accidentally join the circus because I wasn’t listening properly. Is that okay?”

Christopher isn’t completely satisfied but he manages a begrudging nod.

“Maybe not tonight though, okay? I think we both need to sleep and then we can…tackle this whole thing tomorrow.”

Christopher opens his mouth before closing again, and Eddie can hear the words “Will Buck come over tomorrow?” that he doesn’t end up saying. The thought comes again, then, that if he was a better father— But he’s also trying to learn some self-compassion, and learn that it’s okay to reach your emotional limits for the day. So instead of pressing Christopher one way or the other, he kisses the top of his head and sends him to brush his teeth.

He carries the near empty mug to the kitchen sink for rinsing, trying not to think about how long it’s been since it had last been taken out of the cupboard. How Buck’s favourite coffee is hidden behind Eddie’s, the hot chocolate mix, the honey, and Carla’s tea now that no one’s been needing it. How the expired yogurts only Buck likes are still in the trash Eddie hasn’t taken out yet.

Eddie places the mug firmly in the dishwasher and goes back to Chris’ room for bedtime.

Christopher is taking his sweet time but Eddie is just the right kind of exhausted that makes him patient, so he waits and takes the chance to lay out some pyjamas. Something his very independent son hasn’t let him do in years.

He needs to do laundry soon; the only pyjamas Christopher has left are the ones with little yellow ducks and the one with little spaceships.

His hand reaches out for the ducks, and his thumb brushes over one softly, before a stray thought of Shannon and a note on his bedside table creep into his mind.

He gives Christopher the spaceship pyjamas.

Outside of Christopher, the instinct to cut and run may have been the only thing he and Shannon ever had in common.

Shannon wasn’t Latina and wasn’t from El Paso, she was a gringa all the way from Redding, California, about as north-west California as you could get before hitting Oregon. She’d come to study and explore, and she wasn’t what Eddie was supposed to be looking for. And maybe because of that, in her, Eddie found a sort of vicarious adventure. Just a seed of an idea that his life might someday connect with something outside the walls slowly inching in towards him. That there was something else out there for him.

Then a condom failed and his already narrow world collapsed further down to the single city block where they got married (in his parents’ backyard) and bought a house (down the street) because that’s what you do when you’re a good Christian boy and you get a girl pregnant.

And every morning, in the passenger seat of his dad’s truck, he glued his eyes to the barren hills and half-dead shrubs that bore witness to these events that told him he was a man now like his father wanted, a good man who did the right thing by his family. And he tried to pretend it wasn’t getting harder to carry the rocks in his pockets with every milestone he crossed off the list. But in the end, Shannon wasn’t even showing yet when Eddie enlisted.

So when it was Shannon's turn to run, he couldn’t find it in him to hate her for it. He was upset, sure; he cussed her out pretty good in his head, on the phone, in text messages. But the note she left on their bedside table was propped up by the mountain of rocks she couldn’t carry anymore and he really couldn’t fault her for that.

And when she came back into his life, he couldn’t refuse her either.

He was stronger then. Stronger than the boy he’d been on their wedding day. Stronger than the broken and scarred man he’d returned from battle as. Strong enough to carry any load now and he needed to right his wrongs. The universe, for all that it may not scream, told him so when another condom broke and they were both given the opportunity to play their parts again, correctly this time. Eyes wide open, hearts willing…

But Shannon said no. She bowed out.

And when she died, Eddie was…he was devastated, because he loved her and it wasn’t fair.

But the rage that took him over so quickly thereafter…parts of it, he still hadn’t figured out.

He was angry at her for giving up…but on what? On their marriage? On the dreams they never truly shared together?

Angry that they praised him for enlisting, bragged about their soldier son, their Silver Star son, but still labeled her a deadbeat and refused to recognize the strength she had.

Angry that they refused to see that Shannon — agreeing to stay in El Paso, away from her family, agreeing to be a young, single mother — was so much stronger than he was. So much more courageous. So much more deserving of their praise and their empathy.

But more than anything, he was angry at himself for being pissed that Shannon had the audacity to demand a life of her own instead of reading the script they were given.

Angry that she beat him to the realization that it was okay to turn down the role.

Angry that she made him realize he was ten years older and no less a coward. No less the boy sitting in the passenger seat of his dad’s truck.

Two days later, Eddie is nearly out the station door when Buck catches up to him.

“Hey! Cap said you’re taking off? Is everything okay?”

Eddie shrugs casually and digs his keys out of his jacket to occupy his hands. “Yeah, just another meeting.”

Buck’s eyebrows furrow. “At the school?”

After three years of growing to living in each others’ pockets — including actually living together twice — Buck knows when he’s being iced out and Eddie knows it’s hurting him and would do anything to stop it…but neither of them are saying anything to fix it.

“Yeah, should be the last one,” Eddie says.

The furrow in his brow deepens. “What— I mean, he’s okay, right? He’s not like—like getting bull—”

“No! Buck—”

“Is it his CP? Is he having troub—”

Eddie throws a hand out and smiles past his racing heart in a way he hopes appears calming. “Buck! Everything’s fine, it’s just a meeting.”

Buck holds his gaze for a long moment, waiting, before looking away, wounded. “Look,” he licks his lips nervously, “I know that — that making me a legal guardian doesn’t mean I have a righ—”

“Buck… “ Eddie interjects again with a sigh and no idea how to follow it up.

“No, listen, I don’t — I’m just saying…I’m just...here, if you need anything. I want you to know that. You or Christopher, anything you need.”

The temptation is so strong, Eddie actually bites down on the inside of his bottom lip to stop from giving in.

Buck’s eyes aren’t quite red-rimmed but the bags under them have grown deeper since Monday and his shoulders are hunched. It’s always obvious on him. Eddie’s found that people taller than him usually have a subtle slouch to their posture, a way of making themselves fit into a smaller world, but Buck always stands to his full 6’2, he takes up his space…until he’s made to feel small. And that’s the last thing he wants. Especially with the echoes of the conversation in Buck’s kitchen so long ago floating around them, about how he missed the signs of street fighting. He knows that guilt needlessly follows Buck to this day needlessly.

Knows that Buck picks rocks up everywhere he finds them and Eddie can’t help but see cracks in windshields.

“Everything’s fine, Buck,” Eddie says, deliberately pitching his voice softer. “I’ll text you when it’s done.”

He leaves Buck at the bay doors, looking weighed down.

When the meeting draws to a close, Christopher heads back to class with a smile on his face and Eddie’s expression almost matches right up until his son is out of sight.

Then, Eddie’s fingers hover over the keyboard in his chat thread with Buck for several long seconds before he closes his messages, opens his dial pad, and books an emergency session with Frank instead.

It was Frank who introduced the idea that Eddie was a follower by nature. Presented by a fellow veteran, Eddie took it the way it was intended, not as an insult, but a valued skill. No squad can function with only leaders. And no squad can function with only followers. Neither was better than the other and Eddie knew himself to excel at both; he’d stepped into leadership on more than one life threatening occasion. But outside of emergencies and combat, for life in general, he wasn’t the one to leave the path and strike it on his own.

It was also Frank who extended that idea into Eddie’s failed relationship with Ana.

Eddie balked at that — he pursued Ana, he had found her gorgeous and charming the first time they met, and he called her up when they reconnected. So no, he didn’t just follow her lead.

“Not hers,” Frank agreed, and Eddie…

Eddie remembered meeting one of his dad’s business partners in his freshman year of high school who asked if he’d be following in his dad’s footsteps and before Eddie could open his mouth, his father saying “Of course, like father, like son!”

Eddie remembered breaking the news of the pregnancy to his parents, and his stoic father getting up from the sofa to call the priest to book the church as his mother nodded, her face a painting of disappointment.

No, it wasn’t Ana who led him down that road.

And it wasn’t Ana who caused his panic attacks. Not really.

It was that Eddie was split into two, perfectly compartmentalized, perfectly distinct people.

Edmundo Diaz, the good Christian son of immigrant parents, whose approval he needed so desperately he had no dreams of his own, only a yearning to perfectly act out the script he was handed at birth.

And Eddie Diaz, firefighter at the 118, who struck out of Texas with his son to find their own happiness and freedom, and wouldn’t let anyone get in the way of that.

Unfortunately, the only thing the two had in common was loving Christopher more than anything in the world.

And Ana? She was exactly what Edmundo Diaz needed: beautiful, intelligent, kind, caring and great with Christopher. And so long as Eddie could keep her occupied with Edmundo and away from everything else he wanted in life…it could work!

He really believed it could work.

Parts of him did anyway.

It took getting shot in front of Buck to really understand the consequences of the system he’d set up. To realize what Christopher had all the way back with the salad bowl incident: keeping Ana meant keeping “Eddie” away, and with him, everything Eddie held dear.

The evening after his return from the hospital, when most of the crowd was gone, and Buck and Ana were working together to tidy up, Christopher asked him quietly, nervously, “Can Buck still stay? I want him to stay.”

Eddie looked at him, not even understanding why he would ask such a question, until he lifted his head and caught Ana’s hopeful face from the other room. She wasn’t just tidying, she was dawdling, lingering. Waiting. She had talked vaguely at the hospital about helping him around the house but he hadn’t really listened. Ana wanted to stay.

And for a moment, Edmundo was about to smile back and say of course, that would be nice! But just then, Buck crossed the room to fold up the tablecloth and all Eddie could see in his mind was Ana smiling while Buck ducked into his room to grab his duffel, hugged Christopher with a sad smile, then walked out the front door.

If Ana stayed, Buck would leave.

And the intensity of the realization felt like a boulder crashing through the windshield, no chance of a pebble or a stone. But it not only crashed through him, it kept hurtling through the other compartmentalized versions of him until all his pieces exploded into shards of confusion and doubt and fear.

“Yeah, mijo, of course,” he gasped out, passing off his breathlessness as settling a pain in his back, and reminding himself it was the sling digging into his shoulder, not a seatbelt.

And like the coward he was, he sent his son out to loudly and happily inform Buck he wasn’t leaving, and Ana graciously took that as her cue to go, giving him a kiss on the cheek and a warm smile on her way out.

But in the weeks that followed, his worlds kept nearly colliding — meeting, bouncing off each other, but not synchronizing — and Eddie couldn’t bring himself to fix it. He watched Ana trip over the boots in the entrance she wasn’t used to skirting around but he didn’t ask Buck to put them elsewhere for next time. He didn’t stop Buck from filling the fridge with food even though Eddie knew she’d be bringing casserole later. He invited her over for “family time” and didn’t stop Christopher from dragging Buck away from the board game they were playing to go to the backyard, not even when Buck threw him a questioning glance.

He realized — not when it would have helped him, but later, with Frank — that he was watching, waiting, hoping she’d start feeling edged out and decide to leave, or that she’d take issue with Buck being around and force an ultimatum so Eddie could easily decide she was the bad guy and had to go for Christopher’s sake.

But she didn’t. She was perfect. Patient, caring, understanding. So he couldn’t end it. If he did and was asked why, what the hell would he say? She passed the tests he didn’t realize he’d set up for her, so she had to go?

No, there was no out. No reason to end this. Edmundo was on the right path for once. He just needed not to quit on this one. Not give up. Not fail this time.

As for Eddie…

When the pain and the better drugs had tapered off enough to let him get a good night’s rest, he woke up one day finally feeling like he had a grip on reality.

He got himself up with minimal pain, even got a shirt on, and got to see his son before school for the first time in too long. And despite having been at his side nearly every day, Eddie felt like he was getting to see Buck with clear eyes for the first time in too long too.

Buck, who smiled with all teeth when he saw Eddie up and lucid, as if the twinkle in his eyes could hide the dark bruises of fatigue underneath them.

Buck, who made a happy face of eggs and bacon on Christopher’s plate, got Eddie’s favourite hot sauce out with his traditional comment on the heresy of spicy hot food for breakfast, and only stuffed a protein bar in his back pocket for himself as he ran out the door.

Buck, who was pulling triple duty as a firefighter, as Chris’ primary caretaker, and as Eddie’s home care attendant, non-stop. Sure, Carla was back and helping but when her shifts were done, Buck was there. Always.

Buck, who’d been carrying all of Eddie’s rocks since they tumbled out on the asphalt in front of Charlie’s building.

This was too much.

Wasn’t it?

The next morning, Eddie once more took in the hazy look of fatigue in Buck’s eyes, the weight loss more obvious in the wrinkled shirt than in his fitted uniform, and the slump in his shoulders, and a ball of panic formed in Eddie’s chest.

He wondered if Buck felt the pull of his keys in the bowl at the entrance like a magnet on his hands.

Wondered if Buck stayed awake some nights thinking of how far he could drive before someone tried to find him.

Wondered if Buck spent time looking for the chips in his windshield when it got hard to breathe.

And then said, “I appreciate everything you’ve done, man, but I’m doing okay now. I’ve got the handle on doing things one-handed. You should get back to your life.”

Buck froze, his face a puzzle of confusion and was about to protest and Eddie wanted to let him, to convince him to change his mind. But he couldn’t. He’d learned that lesson. How far would they get before Eddie woke up to a note on the kitchen table? How would he break it to Christopher if he lost another —

“Seriously, between Abuela, Carla, and Ana we’ve got everything we need. You should be focusing on the new girlfriend.” He tried to grin but it probably came off as a grimace. “If you don’t stop ignoring her calls, she’s gonna move on.”

They never raised their voices, and even smiled through half of it, but the argument went on for nearly a half hour before Buck slumped back in his chair and gave in.

He left. Reluctantly. Slowly. Despite Christopher’s vocal protests and Eddie’s silent ones. He packed up his duffel bag, picked up his keys, and walked out the door. But he promised to be back on Thursday for their semi-regular movie night so…crisis averted.

And after weeks of mixing, it was time to shove his two selves back into their separate boxes.

But, as it turns out, the boulder had done irreversible damage.

He was split into a million shards and trying to shove them back together only left him with bloody hands.

And if he couldn’t have both identities living alongside each other, then he would have to decide on which one to keep and which to let go, and that just wasn’t something he could do.

So he gave them both up.

He broke up with Ana.

And he left the 118.

Eddie should be more grateful Frank can see him on such short notice, but he forgets until he sits down that Frank isn’t usually a comfort. He’s kind and supportive but he doesn’t pander, doesn’t let Eddie stew in his own bullshit for long.

Today, Frank says he needs to stop deciding others’ feelings for them.

Projecting, is what Frank says.

“How can I be projecting my feelings on others if I don’t know what I’m feeling?” Eddie counters.

“I think it’s fair to say we’ve established you do know what you’re feeling, and what you’re afraid of, you’ve just decided it’s safer to decide on the negative outcomes so you don’t have to torture yourself with the what-ifs of positive outcomes. If you can decide what all the players are feeling and what they’ll decide, you can skip all the agony of not knowing and just lay down and accept it.”

Eddie shakes his head and barely resists rolling his eyes. He’s been doing well with Frank for weeks now, this is just their first real test of the progress Eddie’s made. Which, it turns out, is not enough. It’s never enough.

“Fine. I do know what I’m feeling,” he concedes without actually agreeing. “I know that this is my pattern. That when I get pushed down a road I haven’t chosen, I…I just stay in it. And I’m trying not to do that anymore. I’m identifying situations I don’t want to be in and I…I’m just removing myself from them before I lose myself.”

“Is that what this is?” Frank asks placidly.

Eddie does roll his eyes this time.

Frank changes tacks. “About this pattern you recognize in yourself — do you see it in Christopher?”

Eddie sighs. “No.” Thank god. “Although I do everything I can to make sure he has those choices. That he’s never backed into a corner with no way out. So I don’t know. I don’t think he’d run. I think…I hope…” Eddie swallows thickly. “I hope that I’m raising him to believe he has the right to his own choices. I hope that he would have the, I don’t know, courage to stand up and say no to something he doesn’t want.”

Frank tilts his head. “And what about saying yes to something he does want?”

Eddie looks down at his hands. That’s not a question about Christopher.

“What about Buck?” Frank presses, like an asshole. “Is he creating that same environment for Christopher?”

Eddie’s heel starts jiggling up and down on the hardwood. “Yeah, of course he is. He wants Christopher to have everything he wants in life. And Buck…he’s been working on figuring out his limits, his boundaries. And more than anyone else I know, he’s had the drive to strike it out on his own, chase his adventures — for better or worse — and not settle for anything but what he really wants. But the flip side of that is…he has this need to belong so bad that he will ruin himself to get there and just not care.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means,” Eddie sits up straight. “It means he’s really just like me, but for different reasons. It means he’ll never say no to the script if it means he gets to stay in the play, no matter what part he’s given. And I still hate this metaphor, just in case you were wondering.”

Frank says nothing but the corner of his mouth twitches.

“So I’m not projecting, am I?” Eddie says, with little vindication. “We’re just…funhouse mirrors of each other.”

Frank obviously disagrees, but only says, “I think you know you can’t protect everyone. Especially not from themselves. And I think you of all people would agree it’s not fair to not even give them the choice.”

That night, Christopher is far from the morose kid he was a few days ago. He’s swept up in excitement, throwing out pleas for a sleepover, an excursion to the beach, a trip to the space center, and Eddie is so relieved to see the stress and shame have left his little frame that he says yes to most of it before it occurs to him that if Buck is going to join them on said activities, they would need to have a talk between now and then, which makes things way too real way too fast.

Christopher gets a cup of hot chocolate again. In his own cup this time. Buck’s is back in the cupboard, clean and in the first row of the shelf, near the edge.

Eddie forgot to do the laundry again, so when he opens Chris’ pyjamas drawer, the only pair left is the one with little yellow ducks on them. He rests his fingertips on the soft material for a moment, hearing Buck’s voice going on about the universe screaming, and lets himself think about those hypothetical good outcomes Frank says he’s been avoiding. Lets himself pretend everything might turn out okay.

“How about these for tonight?” he asks Christopher rhetorically, having already anticipated the cackling cheer he gets.

The thing with Buck is that it was all so easy, he forgot to be afraid.

When Buck said, “I love kids,” a week into working together, Eddie heard it in the abstract. Everybody loves kids, his new coworker was being nice.

When Buck drove him to the hospital to see Abuela, then smoothed over Christopher’s presence at the firehouse, Eddie thought, “thank god for him.”

And when Buck brought Carla into their lives, Eddie’s thoughts jumped quite a few steps to, “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Not that he came right out and said it. Eddie cared deeply, but not quickly. He was cautious. He played it safe.

Buck, on the other hand? Buck cartwheeled into minefields, he cannonballed into shark tanks, he willingly threw himself into any manner of dangerous situation if there was any chance he’d find his place in the world by doing it, might find someone who’d…care about him enough to keep him..

It was stupid.

It was actually kind of heartbreaking.

But it was also really fucking brave, to continuously say “fuck it, let’s try” after a lifetime of being left behind, especially by his parents, the two people put on this earth to love him unconditionally.

Eddie had never met anyone like him. And it was so easy to fall into Buck’s gravity, let himself feel inspired to try to open up and care so brazenly, so unreservedly, that he forgot why he needed to protect himself to begin with. And worse than that, he forgot to protect Christopher too.

He wasn’t prepared the first time Christopher lifted a hand towards Buck at the mall and said, “I want to go with my Buck.”

Wasn’t prepared for the panic he’d felt at seeing Buck’s smile, his whole body, just freeze in place. Wasn’t prepared to be thrown all the way back to El Paso, hearing the engine of his dad’s old truck revving at 5:45am.

Because Buck really was the best thing that had ever happened to them, but he was also a 20-something single guy who, by all accounts, had only recently given up the frat boy lifestyle. He didn’t sign up for this.

And worse still, Eddie hadn’t prepared Christopher for this either. Hadn’t warned Christopher not to get so attached. Not to make claims on this man who was still barely more than a stranger to him. Not to go tossing their pebbles into other people’s pockets.

But Buck unfroze, and his smile grew wider and the look he threw Eddie was teasing as he said, “Superman has spoken!” before taking Christopher’s hand, tucking that arm’s crutch under his free arm, and walking Eddie’s kid to the froyo stand like it was the most natural thing in the world.

A fraction of a second later, Eddie also unfroze, his heart started beating again, his lungs expelled the lingering Texan air, and he followed gingerly after them.

And with subsequent movie nights, game nights, zoo days, and museum adventures, with every new idea Buck came up with or worry he had about Christopher, Eddie forgot to count the pebbles Buck was picking up.

He forgot to worry about them entirely, until the ocean surged up and nearly washed him and Christopher away.

He thought that was it. That Buck would realize he was a single 28 year old who didn’t need the weight of his coworker’s child’s life on his shoulders.

And maybe that’s what drove him to Buck’s the next morning with Christopher. A little piece of selfishness that saw the door opening for Buck to exit out of, and Eddie instinctively throwing himself in his path to stop him.

But when Buck froze at the door, it wasn’t out of resignation or wariness, it was out of guilt, and shame and Eddie immediately got to work making sure Buck understood how blameless he was, and how important he was to them both, until some of the light came back to his eyes.

Still, he left them that morning with his heart in his throat, checking his phone too many times during his shift, expecting a text of “I can’t do this” or “I’m bringing him to Abuela’s”. But all he got were pictures of Christopher conked out watching Mulan, and then pictures of big smiles and dirty faces in the kitchen as they made what turned out to be nearly edible scones.

And that’s probably what Eddie regretted the most.

That if he’d only learned from his mistakes sooner, had let Buck go when he should have, Eddie wouldn’t have walked into the firehouse one day to find Bobby holding up a letter telling him Buck was gone. Just…gone. Unreachable.

Maybe that’s when the rage settled in. Not at the realization that he learned his lessons too late to save Shannon, but that he hadn’t learned shit and pushed Buck away only a handful of months later. The realization that it was still Christopher who was going to lose out the most.

He saw red and, for a moment, he hated Buck with all the fury he’d never let himself feel for Shannon. The same fury only ever kept for himself. And when he saw him next he didn’t worry about burdening him. No, he threw his rocks and he hoped they landed.

Hoped they hurt.

They must have, because Buck was gone just over 2 weeks, and as soon as he heard Christopher was hurting, he shut the lawsuit down.

And that’s what threw Eddie for a loop, what made it so hard for him to hold onto his anger. It was telling Buck that Christopher missed him, and watching the genuine confusion and surprise work their way through his mind. Like Buck really hadn’t understood that he mattered enough to be missed.

In the moment, it pissed Eddie off even more because what the fuck was wrong with him — how oblivious can he be to miss an entire child growing attached to him? He tried to twist it, tried to give into the demons in his head telling him Buck was faking it.

But unlike Eddie, as soon as Buck understood his fuckup, he tried immediately, persistently to fix it.

And unlike Shannon, as soon as he was allowed back in, he made up for his absence tenfold and never strayed away again.

Still, Eddie got back to counting pebbles after that. Christopher was still on a Mulan kick and the line about a single grain of rice tipping the scales played in Eddie’s mind every time he casually invited Buck over.

And when he signed his son’s future without him over to Buck, and his attorney explained the importance of informing all parties of the arrangement to prevent complications, Eddie waited until he was out of the building to scoff and think, “yeah, that’s happening.” Because this wasn’t a pebble. It wasn’t a rock. It was a mountain. And at the end of the day, Buck was still a single 29 year old who had his entire life ahead of him and he should have the option to walk away when he wanted to while Eddie was still around.

Eddie had learned from his mistakes. For better or worse.

Eddie convinces himself not to wait until the end of the shift to try to talk to Buck. He hates the idea of his anxiety just growing and growing for the next 12 hours.

But when he gets to their (separate) lockers, shoots Buck a smile which his partner tries to return in kind, Eddie completely loses his nerve. If they have this talk, and it goes badly, they have 12 hours to go before he can legitimately run away.

He’s an idiot, and this was an idiotic plan.

“Hey,” he blurts out as Buck makes to leave the locker room. Buck turns, his eyes hopeful. “I, um. Listen.” Those blue eyes turn apprehensive because he’s already fucking this up. “Chris is having a sleepover tonight. There’s like 5 of them coming. It’s going to be a madhouse. I — I could use” — a hand — my partner — “some backup, if you’re free?”

Buck looks stunned, but recovers quickly. “Yeah, no, I mean I’m free. I don’t have any…. Yeah, I can be there.”

“Great,” Eddie breathes out, only realizing now how tense his body had become as he loosens up again. “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” Buck says with a shy smile, hands in pockets as he leaves.

Buck knocks on the door when he gets there that evening instead of using his key, and it takes them both a while to recover from it. They’re…shy, unsure of themselves. They’re awkward and uncoordinated bringing out snacks and arranging sleeping bags. It’s awful and the wrongness of it all creeps under his skin.

But then the Friday carpool unloads a van-full of kids and there’s no time for awkwardness, their muscle memory takes over and they coordinate to perfection. That is, after Christopher nearly trips running into Buck’s arms with so much force they almost crash into an end table.

Eddie keeps an ear out — he and Christopher spoke this morning about how they’d keep a lid on the school issues until tomorrow when his friends left and it was just the three of them at home…but he’s also a 10 year old kid hyped up on more than juice packs. Still, his friends provide enough distraction that he can’t get stuck at Buck’s side for too long.

Once they separate, Buck’s eyes don’t leave Christopher for several long minutes. They dart over his face, his frame, his crutches, looking for any sign he might be hurt, despite Eddie’s promises that he isn’t and never was.

When Buck can’t find any outward signs of trouble, he leans against the wall like he had the night Eddie came back from his date. He leans there and watches Christopher settle in, assign his friends seating around the coffee table and make sure everyone has snacks before the debate on whether they play a game or watch a movie first begins. The longer he watches, the more the tension leaks out of his shoulders, the easier the smile crawls across his lips, and Eddie…Eddie can’t look away from this man looking at his son like he and his happiness are the most important things in the world.

He’s struck by Frank’s voice in his head, his comment about projecting. And he wonders, suddenly, if he’s been so focused on making sure Buck’s not trapped in the passenger seat on a drive he didn’t want, that maybe…maybe he’s missed the signs of Buck waiting outside the truck, tapping on the window, asking for a ride.

Eddie lets out a long, shaky breath and forces himself to monitor the living room chaos before Buck snaps out of it and catches him staring. Then, too quickly, Zootopia is playing and the adults are no longer welcome in the living room, so Eddie summons up his courage and tilts his head, beckoning Buck into the kitchen.

Buck quietly closes the door behind them, and the light Friday afternoon atmosphere starts to coagulate into something thick and heavy immediately. It’s a toss-up to say if that’s Eddie’s anxiety at work or Buck’s.

“Listen, Eds,” Buck starts, bringing his hands together like a catcher punching in his mitt, a familiar look of confused contrition across his face, “I don’t—”

Eddie waves him off. “You didn’t. Whatever you’re thinking, Buck, you didn’t do anything. I just —”

I hope this isn’t the last time you’re here to help during a sleepover.

I hope this isn’t the last time you look so comfortable in my kitchen, ratty socks and all.

I hope this isn’t the stone that sinks us.

“They…thought he’d started swearing,” he manages to get out. “The school.”

“Swearing?” Most of the anxiety is wiped from Buck’s form and replaced swiftly with a full-bodied indignation.

Eddie holds out a dismissive hand. “He’s not, but I get how they got there. There was a new teacher, and she was pretty sure she kept hearing him saying” — he whispers even though the kids can’t hear over the closed door and thousand decibel tv — “‘fuck’.”

Buck crosses his arms and leans back against the island, all traces of uncertainty gone, looking for all the world like he belongs. Like he never left. “But he wasn’t.”

Eddie shakes his head and bites the lower corner of his lip before looking at Buck with a weighted gaze. “He was saying ‘Puck’. ‘Pucky’ sometimes, but that was less of a problem.”

Buck’s eyes widen with concern. “He’s having problems with ‘B’s?”

Eddie could lie. Could let Buck believe exactly that. And in a few weeks say the speech therapist worked her magic and Christopher is fine again.

He could keep running.

But he doesn’t want to be a coward anymore.

“No, he’s having trouble with ‘P’s,” he says in a sigh. “They’re all mostly the same muscles. Labio-…friction-…Explosives? I don’t know, something in linguistics. Basically the ‘P’ and ‘F’ sounds are closer together than the ‘B’s apparently.” He should have written this down, clearly. Buck would probably be researching this all night. If he stayed. “When he was younger he’d switch out the ‘P’s with ‘F’s — a lot of kids do — and he grew out of that but sometimes he can pronounce the ‘P’ a little too softly, so all you know is there’s a missing letter at the start of the word. So like I said, I can see why the teacher made assumptions he was swearing, saying what he was saying.”

“Okay, but he’s not the only kid with speech issues at that school, she shouldn’t be making assumptions that he’s just suddenly acting out. He’s not a troublemaker. He’s a good kid,” Buck says darkly and Eddie’s heart twists in his chest. He really wishes all of this could just go away until he was ready. He wishes he could be sure he would ever be ready.

Eddie tilts his head in agreement.

“So,” Buck frowns and Eddie swallows convulsively. “Puck? And here a guy thinks his name is unique. Unless…I mean, they seem a little young to be studying Shakespeare.”

“Shakespeare,” Eddie stalls, sounding impressed. “Mission Impossible is news to you but Shakespeare you can pick out of a lineup.”

“I read! I know Midsummer Night’s Dream,” Buck boasts before grinning. “They made us read it in high school. Puck was my favourite.”

“He would be,” Eddie says, too fondly, before nodding, then bracing his hands on the counter behind his back. “But, no. No Shakespeare. Angelica Mohan.”

Buck’s brow furrows as he tries to place the name. “She was at his last birthday party. She brought the really expensive home chemistry kit.”

Eddie nods. ”Yeah. Angelica’s mom remarried a few years ago and triple income means inappropriately expensive gifts, I guess.” Eddie’s palms are sweaty behind him against the quartz countertop and he can feel his words starting to jumble. “But, uh, he’s a good guy, I guess, the new husband, and Angelica...I guess she’s ready now. She’s decided she wants to, you know, call him ‘dad’ but that’s what she calls her other — her biological dad and she’s been calling him Adam — that’s the new guy — for so long they kind of want to transition so they figured she can call him Papa Adam. Which is fine. But because smushing names together is apparently not one of the trends the next generation is going to kill…that turned into ’Padam’.”

“Padam,” Buck’s face twists with unrestrained gleeful distaste. “She’s going to call him Pa—” Buck freezes, his eyes widening and his face going slack as he repeats, softly, “Padam.”

“As in—”

“Puck.”

Eddie’s fingernails dig into the lip of the countertop as he tries to keep his eyes on Buck instead of sliding them away in shame because this is it. This has to be it. This is the final nail in the coffin of asking too damn much of him.

Buck was a single 30 year old who could have life outside of them. And he loved them, of that Eddie had no doubts, but that didn’t mean he was okay with hitching himself to them forever. A legal guardianship didn’t have to mean anything until Eddie actually kicked it, really.

“What— Ah. Why— When—”

“How?” Eddie interjected to try to dispel the tension. Buck’s lips twitched out into a half-second smile before retracting into his processing face: brow furrowed and gaze jumping. Eddie took a steadying breath.

“That’s, uh, kind of on me. I — when I...went to my attorney and changed my will, I didn’t really run it by him. I probably should have but I had just nearly died and was pretty shaken up by it and he was just barely 9 and I didn’t want to hammer home the idea that he could lose me any time soon so...I just didn’t. I knew,” Eddie swallows convulsively as he recalls the absolute horror show of emotions he went through leading up to his decision, “I knew you were the right call. I knew he’d be okay with you, that if he was in a position to, I don’t know, vote for it, he’d pick you. So it just didn’t feel like it mattered at the time.”

Having not realized until now that his eyes are boring a hole into the hinge of the island cupboard, he hazards a look towards Buck, whose processing face is looking a lot more fragile than before.

“Anyway, I figured since I told you, and it’s been nearly six months since the shooting — I mean I checked in with his therapist and Carla and they thought it was okay, timing-wise…” He can’t help himself from explaining and defending his decision as if it was his parents standing before him, not Buck, who always has his back. “So I told him, you know, in kid-friendly terms, that if ever...I was sick or just not around, that you’d be there to take care of him. You being here, staying here with him while I was in the hospital was actually a good concrete example for him to really understand.”

“And...he—he was...good with that?”

And Eddie wants to laugh because yeah, obviously, that’s why they were in this pickle. Because his kid liked the idea even more than the a lot expected. But there’s a shy disbelief in Buck’s countenance he never wants to just dismiss or belittle.

“Yeah, Buck, he was. Just like I knew you would be too.”

Buck nods and ducks his head but Eddie can still see the smile he’s trying to tuck away.

“But obviously,” Eddie continues, “in the meantime, it would be better if the kids in his class don’t also start thinking he’s starting to swear and copying him so...”

Instantly, Eddie sees the devastation streak across Buck’s face and wonders how the hell he ever got himself so worked up.

“But he doesn’t have any problems with ‘D’s, so he — I mean, I told him — I…suggested… he try ‘Ducky’, or ‘Duck’, instead,” he stammers. “Just...instead of — of ‘papa’...you know...”

“Dad,” Buck chokes out. He looks so startled Eddie has to work to keep from laughing, though it’s made easier by the wet sheen building in his eyes.

“You...gonna be okay with that?” Eddie asks, his voice teasing.

Buck laughs once, wetly, and looks away before working his way back to Eddie, a smile tugging strongly at the lips he’s biting.

“Wait, but,” Buck throws out his hands, concern washing over him again, “how do you feel about this? I mean you just said you told him— but I mean that’s a big — I mean I never put him up to this, I hope you know that — “

“Buck,” Eddie shakes his head, his own hands coming up to encourage Buck’s back into rest. “Buck, I know you didn’t. And I—” Eddie sighs and hangs his head to gather his words before looking up. “Ever since I came back from the army and, you know, got my head out of my ass, I’ve felt like I have to play defense with my kid. My parents — you don’t know how many times they’ve tried to convince me to leave Christopher with them, that they could raise him better, provide better for him—”

“They’re wrong,” Buck says fiercely.

“I know,” Eddie says gratefully, “but they still try, to this day. And when Shannon came back into the picture, I just couldn’t get my hackles down for the longest time. I just...somewhere along the line, I’ve become crazy protective of that kid and who gets to be around him.” Eddie looks at him then, properly. “And then you walk in and I’ve…literally never felt so comfortable with anyone being involved in his life. Since the second you met him, met me, you’ve done everything in your power to help him, or help me be there for him. You’re not someone I have to be afraid of, you’re someone who makes everything better just by being around. You’re,” — in for a penny, in for a pound, Eddie thinks — “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to us, Evan. So if you’re okay with ‘Ducky’, I’m...I’m more than okay with it.”

Buck’s reddening eyes are wide and vulnerable with awe and it seems to take him a moment to realize Eddie’s finished talking and it’s his turn now. He clears his throat and sniffs back tears before nodding convulsively.

“Yeah, of course,” he says quickly. “Of course. I...fuck, I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, not ‘fuck’, there’s four impressionable kids out there and it’s specifically that scandal we’re trying to avoid,” Eddie teases, laughing when Buck’s eyes widen in panic and he turns around to make sure none of the kids have snuck up on them without their notice.

“That’s… So, but wait,” Buck starts slowly as he turns back to Eddie, his brow furrowed, “he’s having trouble with his speech? Do we know why? Is he okay?”

Eddie smiles. “He’s fine. He’s gonna go back to the speech therapist next week but that’s what the second meeting was. She was there, and she’s not really worried,” Eddie shrugs. “She thinks it’s just a case of a kid getting too excited over this...new thing and stumbling over some words a little like all kids do.”

Buck nods absently, wondrously.

Eddie takes those 2 seconds where Buck is lost in thought to take a breath and process the fact that he’s just laid the Ducky boulder on Buck’s shoulders and the man is standing firm in his kitchen, trying to hold back happy tears. Then he thinks, in for a pound, in for the whole goddamn mountain range, just as Buck thumbs away a tear from his lower lashes.

“Ever get the feeling we’ve…been doing this all backwards?” Eddie feels drunk as he says it, the words coming out faster than he can reason them. “You know, coparenting first, then moving in together, and— ”

Buck protests with a wet laugh, “I…moved back out though. You practically kicked me out,” he says without accusation, but hurt still lingering on his voice.

And after three months of working with Frank, Eddie is finally able to say, “I wish you hadn’t, I wish I hadn’t”, causing both Buck’s eyes to widen even as Eddie presses on. “I — we — I missed you like the second the door closed. I didn’t…I really liked having you here. More than…more than I should have, if...”

Buck shifts and crosses his arms back over his middle self-consciously. “I would have stayed,” he says quietly. “I didn’t want…I was so afraid of overstaying my welcome. When you said…I thought that was it, that you’d finally gotten tired of me.”

Eddie shakes his head down at his own crossed arms.

“Never,” he breathes out.

So why did you make me go? is left on kitchen tiles.

“You were seeing Taylor,” Eddie answers anyway, feeling the weakness of the excuse as he says it. “You were…running yourself to the bone here, Buck. You were taking on…so much. Too much.”

“I would have stayed,” Buck promises with all simplicity and sincerity.

“I know…” Eddie clears his throat. “I know you would have. That’s the problem.”

Buck jerks as though he’s been struck and Eddie shakes his head, unwinding his arms to plead with Buck to wait, to hear him out.

“Thing is, I know what it’s like to just turn around one day and be saddled with a life and a” — he chuckles as he thinks back to their last deep talk on bunks at the 118 — “a ready-made family. And I — fuck, Buck — I’m kind of terrified you’d just give me anything I wanted just because I asked for it and I can’t stand the idea that you don’t get an out. That you just get pulled into all of this, feel the pressure piling on and just quietly go through the motions, hating every minute of it until all you can think of is getting away from us. Just resenting us, resenting me—”

Buck’s scoff startles them both and Eddie wrangles his darting gaze back to his face to catch the clearest expression of “are you fucking dumb?” he’s ever seen.

“Yeah,” Eddie laughs suddenly, “Frank, um, may have been onto something about projecting. It may also surprise you to know it turns out I…may have a small problem asking for help.”

Buck’s scoff turns to a disbelieving chuckle.

“Turns out,” Eddie continues, the levity rushing out of him as he reaches into his chest to pull his heart out on display, “I also have…trouble…asking for things I need or — or for what I actually want.”

With great difficulty, Eddie eyes flit up in higher and higher passes until they lock with Buck’s, so Eddie can try to convey the weight of what he means. The bewildered shock on Buck’s face and the wetness of his eyes tells him he’s getting his message across.

“I would have stayed,” he promises again, his voice thick and his eyes shimmering with unshed tears yet still so blue, so earnest, “I wanted to stay.”

The self-doubt must show on Eddie’s face because a smile cracks out on Buck’s at the same time a tear falls off his lash. “You think you’re the only one who thought some things through while you were away? I was in therapy years before you, Eds, I’m miles ahead of you epiphany-wise.”

Eddie huffs out a laugh, before turning somber again. “You were dating Taylor,” he says, but it comes out as a question this time.

Buck shrugs. “You were dating Ana.” Simple as that. “Eds, I’ve wanted this for…way too long.”

“It’s a lot,” Eddie counters. “I’m a lot. We’re a lot.”

“The Christmas Elf at Santa’s Workshop thought we were together and Christopher was our son, and I...I really liked it. I wanted it.”

“That—” Eddie’s heart’s in his throat and his mind isn’t at full capacity, “that was—”

“Three years ago,” Buck confirms, looking suddenly more vulnerable. “Not to say that I had a clue back then, I needed my own…processing time. But yeah, I’ve been spending a lot of time figuring myself out since the pandemic started, and Eddie I know the person I want to be, the version of me I want to be, and I know what I want. And I…I wanted…I want…to stay.”

“I want you to stay,” Eddie says again, nearly as a whisper. They’re not exactly the words he wants to say but he thinks they land as he’d hoped as Buck takes a small step forward, his processing face back and his hands coming together. One of his hands is gesturing and the other one is holding it back. “You, uh, you said we’ve been...doing all of this backwards. Wh—what comes after...moving in together? On that backward scale.”

A short laugh escapes Eddie. “I don’t know, I guess probably a date? Dating? Dates?”

Buck’s blue eyes have never been wider or more focused and Eddie hopes he looks the same so at least Buck doesn’t feel alone as he walks them up to this precipice.

Buck takes another step forward on the linoleum and Eddie straightens up in response.

“If you think about it,” Buck says, his voice coming out breathless, “we’ve sort of done a lot of that, haven’t we?”

Eddie’s lips curl into a surprised smile.

“I...could see that. Three years’ worth of it.”

“So then, what’s, ah, after that?”

Buck’s eyes drop down to his lips and Eddie’s mouth drops open and lax in response. He can feel his heart running rampant in his chest and his breath is quickening. His palms prickle with sweat like he’s in the 7th goddamn grade, and he can’t take it, can’t take this anticipation anymore, so he steps forward and rubs his hands against the fabric at Buck’s waist. Then he waits only to hear the hitch in Buck’s breath and see the darkening of his eyes before tugging him the last few inches closer and taking his lips.

Buck emits a soft gasp, as though he was still surprised despite seeing it coming, and Eddie chases it, pulling his hands up to Buck’s shoulders for better leverage. It’s messy and uncoordinated because they both want it too much and are both too nervous about it. But it’s hot and electric and heady and somehow grounding.

Buck’s hands close around his hips and suddenly Eddie’s being walked backwards, back into the counter and being pressed into it, Buck becoming heat and pressure against his front.

Buck whines against Eddie’s mouth and that’s apparently the magic combination to unlocking Eddie’s inhibitions because when Buck tries to heave him onto the counter, Eddie doesn’t resist. He’s instantly grateful for the leverage that allows him to regain control of the kiss and allow his legs to close around Buck’s hips like a vice until their groins are aligned and Eddie can’t breathe he’s so worked up.

So it’s a curse and a blessing when four 10 year olds break into peels of laughter.

Eddie and Buck both break the kiss and whip their heads towards the living room and are immeasurably grateful the laughter is contained a room away. They didn’t actually get carried away and walked in on by their kid and his friends.

Yet.

Buck moves to untangle himself first but Eddie needs a moment so he clamps his legs around Buck’s hips to stop him from leaving. He listens closely to make sure he can’t hear the kids rustling to get up from their movie, and when he’s satisfied they’re safe, he pulls Buck back in until he can rest his forehead against Buck’s and takes the time to catch his breath.

“I vote…we skip around the scale,” he says with a grin. “I really don’t want to wait until we can…go out to do that again.”

“Ah, agreed,” Buck laughs and leans back, his smile wide and happy, his cheeks flushed. “So’s that mean you don’t want me to move back in?” Eddie can tell it’s really just a joke but he’s just kissed Buck and Buck kissed him back and he feels drunk and truthful so—

“I do,” Eddie admits. “I really do, Buck, I…I want you to stay,” he says in a measured tone, turning his gaze weighty, and delighting in Buck’s answering flush. “But I don’t want you to feel like you have to, or that it’s some kind of A or B situation. The scale is adjustable, I think we’ve proven that pretty definitively.” Eddie rubs his thumb over the hot skin of Buck’s neck and takes note of the small shiver it causes, tucking it away for later. “I don’t want to throw too much at you if you’re not ready. We’re here, you don’t need to give any more than you’re comfortable.”

Buck huffs a laugh and looks at him with an expression of disbelief reminiscent of the ambulance blowing up on their first shift. “Eddie, I’m the one who just walks all over your life. You’re the one that needs to decide on boundaries because I clearly have none. I moved into your house and took over taking care of Chris while you were in the hospital before I even knew about the will. I’m — I’m a lot. I know that and I don’t want — I don’t want to cross a line,” he says, almost pleading with him. But then a shy smile takes over his lips, and his warm hands rub into Eddie’s hips and he says quietly, “especially not now. I don’t want to do anything to — to lose this.”

And what the hell is Eddie supposed to do but pull him in for an agonizingly slow and tender kiss, children in the next room be damned.

“How about this, then,” Eddie begins, his voice rough once they break apart. “Stay tonight, here, with me —”

Buck tilts his head towards the living room. “My usual spot is kind of occupied,” he notes with a grin Eddie’s only ever gotten to see when Buck’s flirted with other people and to see it directed at himself—

“Stay with me,” he nearly begs, his voice pitched lower, his hands gripping at Buck’s sides. They both know nothing will happen with a pack of wild 10-year-olds under their watch but together, in Eddie’s room, in his bed…that’s still a hell of a lot to take in.

“Go back to your place tomorrow morning,” Eddie continues, “and grab what you need to stay with us for the weekend.” Buck smiles and bites his lower lip, distracting Eddie with the need to replace Buck’s teeth with his own. “And then on Monday, you can go home if you want, but maybe the stuff you brought stays here.”

“And then the next time I’m over, I should bring more things?” Buck drawls.

Eddie nods casually. “Well your stuff will be in the wash then so yeah you’d have to.”

“Right, so probably it should be stuff I’m comfortable taking out of my apartment for an indeterminate amount of time.”

“Indeterminate, indefinite, whatever.”

Buck looks away, laughing, before sobering slightly. “You think Chris will be okay with that?”

“You’re asking me if I think Christopher will be okay with his Ducky being around more?” Eddie asks blandly. “Yeah, I think we just might be able to win him over on the idea, Buck.”

Buck doesn’t answer with words, but the way he dives back in, presses the warm length of his body against Eddie and kisses him until neither can breathe tells Eddie they’re probably on the same page now.

Before he was legally allowed to drink, Eddie looked out the passenger side window of his dad’s truck and, in the dusty, barren nothing of the Texan landscape, saw his entire life written out for him in someone else’s handwriting.

Eleven years later, mere weeks after they’ve given up the pretense of Buck not living at the Diaz house, Eddie looks out the passenger side window of Buck’s Jeep on the way to work. They’ve just dropped off Christopher — “Bye, Dad! Bye, Ducky!” still ringing in their ears — and his playlist is still playing softly in the background like they’re carrying a piece of him with them.

Eddie’s got one hand trailing in the cool breeze outside the window, and the other wrapped in Buck’s fingers on the console between them.

Christopher will probably grow out of “Ducky” soon enough, his teenage years are on the horizon after all. But some other name will come along when it’s time. Buck’s place in his life, as his second parent, that’s uncontestable now. Especially given that his entire class knew about it long before Buck himself did.

Buck has taken the shift in true Buckley fashion — he hasn’t stopped smiling in weeks, he’s standing at his full 6’2” all puffed with pride, and more importantly, he’s never knocked on their front door again.

As for Eddie, there are still pebbles in his pockets but not nearly as many as there used to be. Many were and will continue to be dropped on Frank’s couch, some were let go during hard conversations with his parents, with Christopher. And some he now shares custody of with Buck.

And the ones that are left, they’re not that heavy. He’s strong enough now to carry them.

#911fic #buddie fics #buddie #my fics #this one goes out to eddieblr

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teambuddie-118 · 4 years

Photo

Collection of Works

by mylittleshipgoestoot (teambuddie-118)

I’ve put this together because there’s been a little bit of confusion about me writing over on ao3 as mylittleshipgoestoot, versus being on tumblr as teambuddie-118. Please refer to gifs above when wondering what I look like writing these beautiful idiots.

ao3 Buddie works

Smeared Black Ink - Chim asking to borrow a novel from Eddie’s locker causes a domino effect. A letter revealing truths Buck isn’t expecting, and Eddie hadn’t planned on disclosing, yet. Rated T. (tumblr link)

Share Some Skin - Buck has always given all of himself to Eddie. He does things before Eddie even knows that that’s what he needs; he’s always the first to offer help, and go above and beyond, it’s just who Buck is. Eddie loves Buck for all of those things, but especially when he’s like this. When he takes. Rated E.

Some Things You Just Don’t Question - When Buck takes Christopher under his wing during a school trip to the station, he doesn’t expect it to lead him to the love of his life. Or Buck meets Christopher first. Rated T. (tumblr link)

Time to Make This House a Home - Christopher becomes unwell at school, and he wants his Buck. Rated T. (tumblr link)

These Small Hands - Buck and Eddie help Christopher out with a school project. Rated T. (tumblr link)

We Both Agree It’s Gonna Be - Ana mistakes her upcoming date with Eddie as earning some kind of place in parenting his son. She’s dead wrong. Rated T. (tumblr link)

Tumblr Buddie Works

A Sweet, Sweet Snack - Buck is on painkillers, and his inner monologue fails.

Workplace Hazards - Buck slips in the showers. They end up in Bobby’s office for inappropriate workplace behaviour.

There for the Downward Swing - Buck comes to Eddie when he’s feeling low.

Target Acquired - Buck has his eyes on the eight ball, but Eddie only has eyes for him.

Thank you to anyone who reads, kudos, comments, likes and especially reblogs. I’ve loved every minute of reading and writing Buddie. ❤️😘

#buddie #buddie fic #eddie diaz #evan buckley #buck x eddie #making a pinned post #with gifs that sum up me writing #writing is hard #this took ages to make #please reblog #save a writer #my fics

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detectivecarlosreyes · 4 years

Text

Twists and Turns of Fate

Ao3 | Word Count: 4k | Tarlos // Buddie

Happy belated birthday my moonlit angel @letitialewiss, you deserve the world, unfortunately that is something I cannot give, so the next best thing I can do is gift this fic to you instead 💖💖💖

Let it shine 'Til you feel it all around you And I don't mind If it's me you need to turn to We'll get by It's the heart that really matters in the end

Some say your fate is predetermined, others say that you create your own fate. And then there are some that theorise that there are multiple realities; Having been created by the many changes in one’s life where each choice you make, and the decisions made by the people around you change the very outcome of your life.

In this case, the fate of two couples’ rests with one meeting; one deal; one night.

It was at a first responder’s conference where the two pairs came together. Buck and Eddie were coming from Los Angeles to attend, the 118 having been gifted two tickets by the higher-ups, in hopes that they might learn something to bring back to the team (and maybe, just maybe, influence the 118 to be less of a headache for the department in future years)

TK and Carlos flew in from Austin, having missed a closer conference that was scheduled while they were both rostered on. TK had been to one in the past with his dad, back when they were in New York and he enjoyed making connections with other first responders. He had mentioned going to Carlos who liked the idea so much that he decided to tag along himself knowing that he had some time off at that time.

It’s at the conference recommended hotel that the two pairs briefly cross paths for the first time, Carlos and Eddie accidentally bumping shoulders as they pass in the lobby. It's not until later at the opening of the conference that the four properly meet for the first time, finding themselves seated together in the same row.

It’s Buck, however, who recognises Carlos and is the first to offers his hand in greeting, “Hi, I’m Buck and this is Eddie,” he indicates to Eddie beside him who reaches around him to offer his own hand.

Carlos accepts them both with a warm smile, “I’m Carlos.”

TK leans out from his seat with a wave, “and I’m TK. Nice to meet you.”

And that’s where it began.

Over the course of the day, the four of them listened to the speakers, taking on the pearls of wisdom being presented; Making inter-professional connections with the number of attendees from different walks of life, and getting to know their different perspectives and experiences.

Over lunch the two pairs came back together to each upon discovering that despite the new connections they made, none came close to how well they got along together, finding natural ease with each other as they got to know each other more and traded stories from their stations.

Carlos and Eddie gravitated together, both equally content to listen to and occasionally throw in their two cents into the animated conversations of TK and Buck who seemed to hit it off almost instantly, acting more like long lost friends who were catching up, rather than two people who had just met.

They both share an understanding but exasperated look upon learning how reckless and prone to disaster both TK and Buck were and eventually fell into their own conversations, lamenting that they’ll have early grey hairs just from knowing them.

In no time at all, the first day of the conference had concluded and it seemed that the four of them were more than willing, after having some downtime to freshen up, to meet up again and have dinner together at a nearby bar instead of the stuffy hotel restaurant.

The mood of the bar suited them well, not overly busy but having a quiet buzz of energy thrumming in the atmosphere. With stomachs grumbling it takes them no time at all to decide on the simple bar meal of burgers with a side of fries each.

Carlos and TK watch as Buck and Eddie wordlessly fall into an obviously well-practiced routine when their food arrives; Eddie opening his burger for Buck to take the pickles and Buck transferring a portion of his fries into Eddie’s basket.

It was amusing to them to see the LA pair acting like a couple, leaving no space between themselves as they brush shoulder and arms together but seeming oblivious to the glances stolen over the course of the evening that were clearly seen by the Austin pair on the opposite side of the booth.

They weren’t the only ones to observe couple-like behaviour, however, with Buck and Eddie witnessing the unspoken communication between the TK and Carlos, especially when Carlos went up a bought them all a round, not needing to ask TK his order, not to mention catching the numerous, practically intimate, looks the two shared.

It would seem almost comical to an outsider watching these two non-couple couples dancing around each other both wanting to ask the question that none of the men seemed to want to ask.

It was apparent to Buck and Eddie that there was something between Carlos and TK and the same could also be said about what TK and Carlos saw between Buck and Eddie but not wanting to voice their assumptions just yet recognising that they’ve only known each other for a day.

It’s not until Eddie and Carlos split off, heading to the pool table which had become free after their meal that they eventually broach the subject with their new friends, curiosity getting the better of them.

** ** ** **

Buck was watching Eddie bemusedly, knowing exactly how that game was going to go, fully aware of Eddie’s woeful skills at the game. TK could see the sparkle in his eye, a look one simply does not give their best friend. With this thought in mind, he leans across the table clearing his throat.

“So,” he draws out, “You and Eddie, are my keen eyes deceiving me, or am I seeing something going on there?”

Buck sputters on the mouthful of beer he was in the process of swallowing and turns to TK looking like a dear caught in headlights, “What? No of course not!” he exclaims in a hushed whisper, glancing over at the pool table to check that Eddie didn’t somehow overhear.

“But you want there to be,” coaxes TK, pursing his lips in amusement when he sees the scandalised look on Buck’s face and puts his hands up in mock surrender.

“Hey, no judgment here, I can appreciate a good looking guy when I see one too, even though I prefer the clean-shaven look myself.” He says has as his eyes slide over to the two at the pool table, focusing on Carlos.

“I’m not-- I mean, I don’t think he’s-- ugh,” Buck hides his face in his hand for a moment before dragging it down his face not seeing the point in refuting the claim, “Am I really being that obvious?”

“Like there’s a neon sign hanging over your head, not that Eddie’s noticed I don’t think.”

“Oh, thank god.” Buck sighs and rests his head on the table, the fear of his true feeling being known flowing out of him.

“Would it really be so bad?” asks TK softly, causing Buck to look up sharply realising how that might sound.

“It’s not that. It’s just- he’s got a kid, who I adore, and we work together, and I don’t even know if he’s…what if he doesn’t feel the same way? I don’t want to mess up the good thing we already have just because my heart decides to skip a beat every time he smiles at me.”

TK gives him a sympathetic look and reaches across to touch the back of Buck’s hand, “I get it, I do, but from what I can tell, even after only knowing you guys for a day, is that the feeling is mutual.”

The conversation dies down as Buck ruminates on what TK had said and glances towards the subject of his thoughts, reflexively smiling when Eddie catches his eye with a grin as he leans over the pool table to take his shot. He’s so focused on Eddie, that he almost misses the look that Carlos was giving to a distracted TK.

“And what about you and Carlos?” Buck pipes up, redirecting the conversation.

TK briefly flicks his eyes over to a now pool-focused Carlos before settling back on Buck, “What about us?”

“Oh, come on, I’ve seen the way you two keep looking at each other.”

TK shrugs, avoiding Buck’s gaze as he takes a sip of his soda, “I don’t know, we’ve had our moments but that’s all they were – moments.”

Buck couldn’t believe what he was hearing. And TK was calling him and Eddie oblivious to each other’s affections towards each other when he himself was entirely missing the fact that the same could be said about him and Carlos.

“Are you sure about that?” he presses, “Because from the way you two keep looking at each other tells me that you both clearly want the same thing.”

“I…It’s complicated.”

“You say that but there’s no mistaking the chemistry between the two of you, I don’t see why you’re holding back.”

“I could say the same thing about you with Eddie.” Challenges TK, turning the conversation back on its head with a quirk of his eyebrow and sees Buck’s resolution crumbling before continuing.

“Tell you what, let’s make a deal. I stop dancing around Carlos and make a true effort if you do the same with Eddie.”

Buck chews the inside of his lip and glances back over at the two men across the room before looking back at TK, a look of determination clear on his face, “Okay, deal.”

“If this blows up in my face, I blame you.” Adds Buck, earning himself a laugh from TK who nods, before the two of them finish their drinks and heads over to join the other two.

** ** ** ** ** **

Unbeknownst to the two men at the booth, a similar conversation occurred across the room at the same time as theirs with Eddie and Carlos.

“So, you two.” Carlos slightly indicates his head towards the tall blonde as he takes the first shot of the game. “Anything going on there?”

Eddie busies himself chalking up the tip of his cue stick, “Me and Buck? No, we’re just good friends, partners at work.”

Carlos watches as Eddie surveys the table, trying to find himself an easy shot, eventually settling on a clear one towards a corner pocket and catches him sharing a smile with Buck across the room. “That’s honestly not the answer I was expecting.”

Eddie jerks his head up at that, hitting the cue ball distractedly and missing his intended target, “What’s that supposed to mean? Buck’s not- I mean I don’t think Buck is-”

“Eddie, I’ve caught you staring at his ass more than once today.” Seeing Eddie’s eyes widen, Carlos shrugs and puts his hand up placatingly, “Hey, I get it. There’s no mistaking a good looking butt especially in jeans like Buck is wearing.”

Carlos continues, “All I’m saying is that the way you two are around each other, makes me think that there’s something between you two and don’t believe it’s just friendship.”

“I could say the same thing about you and TK,” Eddie responds relaxing into the conversation as he lets his eyes flit between Carlos and TK, echoing the tail end of Buck and TK’s conversation.

“You’re deflecting.”

“So are you.”

Carlos pauses as he presses his lips together, making quick work of the table, clearing most of his quarry in one fell swoop, and then resumes the conversation.

“Are you sure that he’s not-”

“Into guys?” Asks Eddie, as he finally gets the chance to take another shot, feeling wholly inadequate at the game after seeing Carlos make such quick work of the solid colours. He looks up after sinking the first ball of the stripes, catching Carlos’s nod.

“No,” he answers after missing the next shot and sinking the cue ball into a pocket instead, “We’ve never actually talked about it.”

Carlos dips his hand into the mesh bag of the pool table pocket and pulls out the white ball and walks closely behind Eddie.

“So, if that’s the case, who’s to say that he doesn’t feel the same way if you’ve never actually talked about it.” He says simply as he walks past and lines up easily with the 8-ball, cracking it direction of the far corner pocket, sinking it, and ending the game.

Eddie knows Carlos was right. And the only thing that was really stopping him from finding out was fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change; Fear that if he confesses his feelings that things would become awkward between him and Buck if he doesn’t feel the same way. Carlos had planted the seed, bringing to his attention the fact that maybe it wasn’t as one-sided as he thought.

Carlos himself was lost in his own thoughts. Eddie brought up the one thing that had been playing on his mind for months, knowing exactly what he was talking about. He and TK have had so many great moments together, but he still has no idea where he stands with the firefighter, not for the lack of trying mind you. It's why he eventually decided to let TK come to him when he was ready, choosing to make peace with TK’s indecision but not letting it stop them from at the very least being friends.

Their both distracted from their thoughts when the subjects of their affections took the game ending as their cue to come and join them. TK surprisingly wrapped his hand around Carlos’ waist and propped his head on his shoulder, whispering into his ear while Buck bumped shoulders with Eddie, giving him a sympathetic look as he notes how badly Eddie lost the game.

It’s from here that the four take notice of the late hour and decide to head back to their prospective rooms, knowing the conference would be starting relatively early in order to maximise the full day. They part ways at the elevator, with a promise to meet for breakfast in the morning.

** ** ** ** ** **

Buck couldn’t help but fidget once Carlos and TK, departed the elevator a floor before their own, with TK giving him a wink over his shoulder as the mirrored doors closed. Their previous talk had not left his mind, and now more than ever he wanted to take that risk and bear his soul, consequence be damned.

As soon as they enter the room he busies himself, unsure of how to broach the subject without blurting out his feelings

“TK and I were talking about some… stuff, and it made me realise that I never actually told you that I’m bisexual, have I?” He ends up asking with his back to Eddie as he shuts the curtains.

No, I don’t think you have,” says Eddie carefully, hope blossoming in his chest with this revelation, knowing now that Carlos might have be onto something, “is there a reason why you’re telling me now?”

Buck scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, “I uhm well it’s just that I-” he starts to say stumbling over his words before turning around and ends up doing the exact thing he didn’t want to do after seeing Eddie looking stunning, bathed in the warm glow of the bedside lamps.

“-I think I’m falling in love with you.” He blurts out and then starts rambling now that he’d opened those floodgates, “I never meant for this to happen and I understand I you don’t feel the same way but after-”

He doesn’t get a chance to say much more than that before Eddie presses a finger to his lips having taken a few swift steps until he was chest to chest with Buck, effectively silencing whatever he was about to say next.

Heart racing, Eddie lets his hand fall away as he leans in close until they were almost nose to nose, his eyes searching Buck’s, not really sure what he was trying to find. There was a hesitation between them before eventually, Buck makes a move, slowly closing the space between their lips.

With his heart fluttering in his chest, he pauses, hovering his lips a hair’s breadth from Eddie’s, giving him the chance to back out if he wanted to. The momentary pause, however, was too long for Eddie, and he tenderly joins their lips together, unable to bear the anticipation.

Time froze for them at that moment as they fell into the kiss. Eddie entangling his fingers into Buck’s hair and Buck cupping the back of Eddie’s neck. They went slowly and hesitatingly, letting the kiss fill them with warmth as they took their time exploring each other.

It doesn’t take long for passion to take over, deepening their kiss as the pent up feelings they had each been suppressing for so long taking over as they lose themselves within it, neither wanting to come up for air.

Their desire drives them to the edge of one of the beds and Buck slowly lowers himself back onto it when it touches the back of his legs, he pulls Eddie with him, unwilling to disconnect from the man just yet. Eddie falls easily with him bracketing his legs beside Buck’s as he guides the two of them down until Buck was lying on the plush covers.

Eventually, Eddie breaks off the kiss with a gasp, no longer able to ignore his need for oxygen. He braces his forearms beside Buck’s head while he keeps his forehead pressed to Buck’s as their chest both heaved against each other, catching their breath and both looking at each other in a mix of awe and disbelief.

“Wow,” breathes out Buck once his breath had slowed, “So, you’re…?”

Eddie huffs a laugh, endeared by Buck’s hesitation as if they weren’t just making out like a couple of teenagers a second ago, “Yes Buck, if it wasn’t already clear, I like guys too.”

Buck grins easily up at him, “I’m just making sure I didn’t put you under a spell or something.”

“You’re insufferable,” Eddie responds, recapturing Buck’s lips in his own sending them both spiraling again before Buck puts a hand against Eddie’s chest and gently forces them apart chasing Eddie’s lips as the man sits back, confusion painted across his face.

“As much as I am enjoying this and would very much like to continue,” Buck gasps, sitting up to rest back on his hands, “I think we should take things slow.”

Eddie’s face clears in understanding before softening his gaze as he takes Buck’s face in his hands and lightly touches his lips to Buck’s before pulling away looking at Buck fondly, “Okay,” he agrees, “I like the sound of that.”

** ** ** ** ** **

Carlos and TK had an interesting night themselves. The conversations the two had with both Eddie and Buck gave them the shove that they needed and after they split off from the LA pair, the two had let go of their inhibitions.

They got reacquainted, much like they did when they first got together, except the difference being that this time TK stayed. As their racing hearts settled TK found himself pillowing his head of Carlos’ chest listening to his heartbeat.

It was there that he realised what he’d been missing. Being there, being properly close to Carlos since they met, he discovered that it felt like coming home. He lamented all the time he’s wasted, accepting the fact that he’d been dancing around Carlos for far too long and resolves to make good on what he told him at the bar.

He was going to try. Try a be a boyfriend that Carlos deserved.

So, they talked. They ended up talking for hours, learning more about each other than they had in all the times they’d come together previously and promised to continue to do so when they went back to Austin.

Carlos felt his heart swell at the prospect. TK was finally being completely open with him, and genuinely wanting to make an effort. He even went so far as to ask him if he was willing, even after all these months, to actually, properly call each other boyfriends to which he wholeheartedly agreed.

Carlos let out a contented sigh that night when the conversation inevitably lulled, the pull of sleep became too much. He was still awake when TK started quietly snoring, it then that he wrapped his arm around TK and pulled him in closer, finding himself at peace.

That’s how they found themselves the next morning, waking up slowly, comfortably back in each other’s arms. It isn’t until TK reaches over to check the time, does he remember that they never set themselves an alarm and discovers that they had barely any time to get ready if they didn’t want to completely miss breakfast.

They made it with very little time to spare, finding Buck and Eddie happily sipping at their coffees as they wave the two over.

“We saved you some food before it all disappeared,” chirps Eddie, shoving the two full plates to the empty spaces in front of the seats opposite them causing the two to look at him gratefully after briefly seeing the lack of options still left when they walked in.

“So, what took you guys so long, we have to head to the conference in,” Buck looks down at his watch, “less than twenty minutes.”

Carlos glances at TK as they took a seat, “we got distracted last night and forgot to set an alarm.”

Buck and Eddie both purse their lips with a silent look passing between them before Buck catches TK’s eye, subtly quirking his eyebrow to which TK gives his an almost imperceptible nod in confirmation of their deal the previous night.

The four of them made small talk about what they thought would be talked about throughout the day as the Austin couple eat their food in a hurry. Before too long they were ready and rushed to the conference breathing a sigh of relief when they make it in time.

As they made their way across the room, Carlos couldn’t help but notice the change in the energy between the LA pair and as they trail behind the two he looks to TK who was wearing the same questioning look.

The two were being almost blatantly affectionate with each other, making TK and Carlos curious about what happened in their room that night. It’s not until later in the day that they catch a few secret moments raising their suspicions once again before later confirming them when they see the two holding hands.

It was cute to see the two no longer being oblivious dorks around each other and being adorable dorks instead. As much as TK and Carlos wouldn’t believe it themselves, Buck and Eddie could say the same thing about them, noticing the same change in their energy and each couple couldn’t be happier for their new friends.

Before they knew it the day was over, signaling the separation of the two couples having to depart, heading back to their respective cities. They exchanged numbers, offering a place to stay should either couple come to visit and promising to keep in touch before heading their separate ways.

And they did, every so often they’d catch a call from one another, updating each other on the coming’s and going’s in their lives. It seemed even after the stories they’d heard at the conference, Buck and TK were as accident-prone as ever, causing their boyfriends much undue stress. But they continued as couples, relationships stronger than ever exactly how fate intended.

Oh, these twists and turns of fate Time falls away But these small hours These little wonders Still remain

#jess writes #my fic #911 fox #911 lone star #911 fic #911 lone star fic #9-1-1 x 9-1-1 lone star #buddie fic #tarlos fic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #carlos reyes #tk strand #userkourt #userkimmy

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 3 years

Text

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt 118

118

Everyone was sleepy as they made their trek back to the car park. Lance and Keith having some pretty nice cuddles before falling asleep, leaving sex for the night in favour of just snuggling up. It was nice. Keith all small spoon in his arms, not so nice was finding out he’d nipped Keith in his sleep. He didn’t taste blood, but it was a little scary to see his teeth marks on Keith’s shoulder. Lance rolling over, only for Keith to spoon around him before he could escape.

Nearing the car park, Lance just wanted to get home and unpacked without the drive in between. Matt and Pidge were squabbling the whole walk down, though that didn’t stop her getting Matt to piggyback her the last half the walk thanks to the blisters on her feet. With the car park in reach, Pidge’s mischievous nature came out. Tugging on Matt’s shoulder, Matt sighed at her, Pidge had been excitable on the walk, pointing out all sorts of things that lead to her and her brothers semi-serious play fighting

“Put me down”

“Gladly”

Matt dumped Pidge down, Pidge scoffing as she dusted herself off as she picked herself up

“Rude, much”

“You said down”

“I didn’t say throw me down. Anyway, last one to the car park has to pay for the snacks on the drive home!”

Pidge took off running, Lance impressed she’d risk her feet for the excuse not to buy snacks. Matt watching his sister as he dealt with his confusion over what happened

“Huh! Wait! That’s cheating! Pidge!”

Taking off running after his sister, Hunk shrugged as Matt bolted past them

“I’m not paying for the snacks”

In a better mood about how close their cars were, Hunk and Shay took off after the two siblings, Kosmo barking at the “game”. Keith letting go of his leash so the doggo could chase after them. Lance kind of wished he’d gotten this on camera. There was no way Pidge could out run Matt, but that hadn’t stopped the gremlin taking off like a rocket.

With the four “adults” of the group left, and Keith, they all mutually shook their heads. Running was better left to people with more energy. That was until they heard a scream, all of them bolting at the sound.

Reaching the car park, Pidge was sprawled out. Matt by her side, and blood in the air. Instantly he knew what had happened. Instead of walking down a little further to the opening for the trail, Pidge had tried to hurdle over the rope side, her boot must have caught, tripping her and sending her flying

“Pidge!”

Shiro brushed past him, Curtis hot on his trial. Lance wanted to move, but the smell of blood... He didn’t want to scare Pidge who was already crying harder than he’d seen her cry before

“Babe?”

Trust Keith to remain calm

“There’s a first aid kit in the back of my car. She tripped on the rope”

“Alright. I’ll get the kit, you let the others know”

Splitting up, Lance forced himself to Pidge’s side. He wasn’t about to vampire out on her, but when she looked him in the eyes, all he saw was her fear

“No! Stay back!”

Pressing herself against Matt, Matt held his sister close. Fuck. Both of them... both of them thought he’d... He’d seen Pidge bleed before. He’d helped her dress more than one skinned knee from an alcoholic mishap. Ashamed, he wrapped his arms around himself, mumbling

“Keith’s getting the first aid kit...”

Matt picked up on what his panic over his sister had done. He still held her protectively, but a hint of shame was in his tone

“Thanks, Dude. She’s skinned her knees and her palms, and I think she’d twisted her ankle”

“You don’t need me here... just make sure you disinfect things properly, and get her boot off, if there’s swelling it’ll affect the blood flow”

His teeth stupidly ached. His stomach twisted in painful knots of shame. Everyone else wanted to help her, but he was the only one not allowed to... He loved her. He’d always love her. That’s why her fear cut him so deep.

Lance passed Keith as he went to his bronco. Opening the back, he threw his backpack into his car with too much effort then sat himself on the edge. Something had been left behind in his previous baby. The bronco smelt slightly mouldy, making him queasier. He felt diseased. Contagious. And very much in the wrong. How was he to know Pidge would send herself flying? What did they think he was going to do? Had his teeth been showing? Had he shown Pidge his scary face again? Hunk was the first of the group to come to him. Putting his backpack in the back, his best friend climbed up to sit beside him

“It’s okay, man. Shiro and Keith have it under control”

“Did... were my teeth showing?”

“Nah, man. I think she scared herself when she tripped. You know Pidge wouldn’t normally scream like that”

“It scared the fuck out of me”

“Me too... I was still behind her... I thought she must have broken something”

“Don’t say that... You should go with her. She’ll need to get checked at the hospital if her ankles busted. Have Shiro take you guys”

“I think she wants to stay with Matt, besides, you’re my best bud. I’m not scared that you’re going to feed on me”

“She was. She looked at me...”

“Dude, she’s probably ashamed of making a scene as... Hey, Keith. How is she?”

Keith nodded as he walked over, Lance had been too busy not looking that way and trying to block everything out to notice Keith

“Rolled ankle. She’s going to go with Matt, Shay, Curtis and Shiro... There’s another space if you want to go with them”

“Nah, bro. It’s fine. I’ll stick with you guys”

“You sure? Shiro’s thinking of just taking her to see Coran because it’ll probably be faster...”

“Yeah. I think I want to be with Lance right now...”

“Dude, you don’t have to...”

“It’s fine. I can car swap when we stop for fuel...”

That was true... he still didn’t want to split Hunk and Shay. Wait...

“So Rieva said she’s coming with us?”

Keith nodded again, he was standing just out of reach of Lance... which did nothing to make him feel better even if he knew his boyfriend was there to check that he was okay

“Yeah. She thought Pidge would feel more comfortable with Shay and Hunk...”

“I mean, it’s only for the drive. I’m hardly leaving Shay behind...”

Hunk was still so smitten with Shay that it was still adorable. Pidge was the only one not in a disgustingly sweet relationship... though she wasn’t looking for one, claiming it would impact her tech time

“Bud, if you want to go with Shay, I’ll understand”

“What kind of a best friend would I be leaving you alone when you’re upset?”

Lance leaned into Hunk. He loved him. He loved him so damn much that it made him feel guilty for existing. If he was normal Pidge wouldn’t have freaked and this wouldn’t have happened... Pidge was probably going be mad that Hunk had chosen him over her. Keith was still standing there, reminding him of the horrible nightmare he’d had the previous afternoon. It’s taken Keith and Shiro nearly an hour to get Kosmo free of pond mud and then the bathroom cleaned up after them... He really should have been in there helping them.

Reaching out, Keith ruffled his hair. His boyfriend either jealous or finally unafraid enough to touch him

“Pidge is okay, she’s already snapping at them for fussing. Why don’t you two go ahead and take your boots off, and get comfortable? We’re going to chuck ours in the sedan so they’re out the way”

When had they decided this? It sucked when you got struck in the mood of every single thing feeling against you. He’d definitely be talking to Coran about this. He felt appalled by his behaviour from the moment they’d first arrived. Keith seemed pretty happy with thing, but he’d been so up and down he wasn’t sure his boyfriend had truly relaxed and enjoyed himself.

The seating arrangement played out so Curtis, Shay, Pidge, Shiro, and Matt were in one car, with Keith, Lance, Hunk, Rieva, and Kosmo, in the second. They were going to stop for fuel halfway there, but Shiro was going to find somewhere to get ice for Pidge’s ankle, then meet them at the same service station as the one they’d stopped at on the way there... Sitting in the back of his Bronco, Hunk was cuddling Kosmo as Lance kept himself balled up. He’d tried to keep his feelings under control, but Pidge had hit him with a sad look that crumpled him internally. She was sorry, but she couldn’t say it in person. Getting her checked was the main priority.

They were barely half an hour in when Lance’s stomach rebelled against to the point where he was definitely going to throw up. His scent must have changed, or Rieva thought they were far enough away from others to casually drop a truth bomb

“Lance, is there something you’d perhaps like to tell us? Perhaps why you are crying? Matt and I have a fair feeling we know why your scent has changed, and we all know Pidge will be quite fine with attention”

They weren’t even talking about him. They weren’t even really talking at all. Keith kept shooting him glances, Rieva was staring out the window, and Hunk was making things better by existing... He’d tried to be sneaky and quite, hard when you have a werewolf in the car.

Covering his mouth, he gagged, eyes wide as he looked to Hunk for help. Getting car sick as often as he did, Hunk was usually prepared for this kind of thing. Kosmo half pushed aside as Hunk leaned into the front of the car

“Pull over!”

Hunk yelled at a confused Keith, who pulled off the road a tad too fast, all of them jerking in their seatbelts, Lance unable to stop as he threw up on his hand and in his lap. This was the cherry topping his crappy morning. Bursting into tears, everything felt too much. Around him Keith was getting Rieva to take Kosmo, Hunk was trying to undo his belt. Lance was crying. Things weren’t fun

“Hey, Bud. It’s okay...”

Lance shook his head at Hunk. He wasn’t okay. He really truly wasn’t okay

“I’m sorry!”

Wailing it at his friend, Hunk didn’t care about the mess as he pulled him into a sideways hug

“You couldn’t help it”

“I... fucking hate this... we don’t even know if the baby’s okay and Pidge hates me as it is...! How am I... how am I supposed to fix... I... I didn’t want to scare her... I want to see Coran”

Hunk hushed him gently, he wasn’t making much sense, shocked and yet not shocked Rieva knew, and desperately scared she’d start yelling, which he didn’t need after everything

“Lance, I’m sure the baby is fine... if you want to see Coran, we can totally see Coran on the way, man. You couldn’t help it. Do you think you’re going to be sick again?”

Lance nodded, wishing he hadn’t as it caused him to gag. His jeans were soaked... now was he supposed to move without making a mess?

“Hunk, let me take him. Can you grab some water and things out the back? Keith, can you find him something to change into. Lance, it’s okay. I only wanted to ask because I had the strong feeling Hunk knew, and you seem so sad. I am truly sorry if it upset you”

Sitting in the back on the bronco, Rieva helped Lance change his shirt into one of Keith’s and Keith’s sweats. Keith and Hunk were cleaning up the mess he’d made, Lance still feeling shaky as if about to throw up again

“Lance, try some water. I’m sorry. I never should have pressed. I wanted to know, though I suspected before Matt with the accident and your behaviour over the weekend”

“I can’t help but feel you picked the right moment so we’d be forced to talk about it”

“Are you not happy? A baby is a wonderful thing. You and Keith will make excellent parents”

“But I’m a vampire”

“So? You love so freely, you will be a good and strong parent”

“When did you work it out?”

“When your scent remained sweet. It was of course only a suspicion. Then how sleepy you have been this weekend... though that is quite normal. I have seen it many times in werewolves. You have been resting, correct?”

“Yeah... but I’m still tired”

“It is normal. I know I haven’t much right to pry, but is there something wrong? You said mentioned the baby”

“I’m just... with Pidge... I couldn’t go near her and everything just... got a bit much”

“I did notice you crying, and I heard you and Hunk speaking. Pidge had a scare, but she is most fond of you. Will you tell her?”

“I was planning on saying something after the next scan... I was going to...”

Great, why was he getting teary?

“Hush. I know you would have spoken. I should have perhaps picked a time when we were home alone...”

“Matt’s bad habits are rubbing off on you”

Rieva laughed softly. She could be scary, but she also could be nice and comforting. He didn’t want to be scared of her, not when she was showing him such kindness... but her timing dick suck balls

“You and he are both very sweet and very cute. I imagine this weekend was both fun and very hard for you. Our scents must effect you”

“They do... but... like... it’s weird. I think I’m acting weird. I get... possessive of my space. I want to talk to Coran about how to work through it”

“You have nothing on werewolves. Some of them could learn a lesson from you and your kindness. It may be weird to say, yet I had a good weekend. Thank you for organising this”

“So... you guys... get territorial?”

“We can. Some who cling to the old ways very much so. You will be okay”

Rieva kissed him on the forehead, smiling prettily as she did. Matt had found an amazing person in Rieva

“I’m sorry if I’ve been rude to you guys”

“Not at all. A baby is a wonderful thing Lance. I pray for yours and Keith’s happiness”

Lance nodded, feeling like Rieva was getting her hopes up too much

“Can you... maybe... not mention it until after the next scan? I don’t know how this one is going with me being like this”

The female werewolf took his hands in hers, squeezing firmly

“It will be strong and well, like you. But I respect your privacy. Please know you can ask me. I do have some experience with wolf pregnancy”

“I don’t think we’re quite the same...”

“Still. Now, you should drink. Would you prefer to ride in the front with Keith?”

“Nah... it’s okay. I think maybe Hunk should. He and Keith both get car sick”

“I didn’t consider that. Alright. If you do not mind my company”

“I don’t mind your company... and I’m sorry I threw up”

“Nonsense. You could not help it. Oh, dear. Keith is hovering. Should I let him close? I can growl if you need some time to compose”

“Please don’t growl at the boyfriend. I’ll be okay, Rieva. Thanks for helping me”

“I would gladly help you at any moment. You’re not bad for a vampire”

“And you’re not bad for a werewolf”

Seeing they’d taken so long, Shiro caught up to them, pulling up behind them. Leaving the others in the car, Shiro jogged over to them, Lance leaning heavily against Keith, thanks to throwing up the water almost as soon as he’d had a little to drink

“You guys okay?”

Hunk called out, answering for them and trying to be a good friend. He didn’t know Shiro knew because it wasn’t like they could talk about “macaroon” in front of everyone

“Yeah. I get car sick, so we pulled over. Lance had to change. How’s Pidge?”

“Murderous. She threatened to stick the ice we bought where the sun doesn’t shine”

Keith laughed, Lance more timid about it all as he asked

“Will she be okay?”

“Yeah, kiddo. She’s calmed down a lot, she says it feels twisted and not broken. We’ll know more when we get home”

At least Shiro wasn’t mad at him...

“Thank god... I can still hear her scream”

Shiro chuckled

“I wouldn’t mention that. Matt’s been teasing her. She threatened to stab him in his sleep”

Oh... he shouldn’t have mentioned it. Keith rubbing his arm as he sensed Lance’s distress. His boyfriend taking over talking

“We’re okay. You guys want to take lead? We’ll be ready in a few minutes”

“Sure. Just stopping to make sure you didn’t have a flat or anything”

Lance felt like the “anything” somehow meant Shiro was checking he hadn’t flipped out and attacked Keith. Nuzzling into Keith’s side, his boyfriend dropped a kiss on his hair

“Nope, we’ve got this. We’ll see you soon”

Shiro started back towards his sedan, calling back over his shoulder

“Call us if you need us!”

“I won’t!

The others waves as Shiro pulled away from the side of the road, Lance giving a small wave and hoping they wouldn’t be talking about him

“Babe, you ready to go?”

“Yeah. Sorry I threw up”

“Are you in any pain? Do you need some blood?”

“I’ll be okay... you’re fussing”

“You blew chunks in the car, I’m allowed to fuss”

“I couldn’t help it”

“I know. Let me know if I need pull over again”

“Probably. I don’t feel that well”

Admitting it to Keith was hard. He’d told his boyfriend he was okay, and now he was sending out mixed signals

“Maybe you should nap?”

“Yeah. Probably... I just want to get home now”

“I know you do. You still had fun, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, right up until Pidge looked at me like I was freak”

“Babe”

“Sorry... It really hurt to see her hurt and not be able to help. I’ve cleaned her up before, but I guess she’s still working on trusting me”

“I think she was more worried that you were uncomfortable seeing her blood, not that you were going to feed on her”

“I don’t... but yeah, I feel so sick that I’m sulking”

“Can I help?”

“Nah... pregnancy stuff and all that. We should get going. Shiro seemed pretty worried”

“Shiro’s fine. I’ll talk to him later. You sure you’re not in pain or anything?”

“No more than usual. Your macaroon is fine”

“I’m still more concerned about you. Try and get some sleep...”

“Yeah”

When they reached the service station they’d stopped twice so he could throw up. Lance now too tired to even contemplate finding something to eat or drink. Pidge pulled his out of his total flunk, climbing into the bronco and filling the back seat with her short little legs as she sat sideways. Leaning back against him, she dropped her head back to look up at him

“How do you look so shit when I’m the one who hurt myself?”

“I don’t know. How are you sitting in here with me?”

“Car swap time. Shiro’s going to drive the others back to Platt. Matt’s coming with you, me, and Keith”

“Are you sure you want to?”

Pidge sighed at him, she really couldn’t be comfortable leaning on him

“I didn’t mean to freak like that... like I know you’re not about to vampire out, but I was embarrassed”

“You didn’t mean to trip”

“Nope, but I fucked my ankle and my wrist hurts. I didn’t... like want to make you feel awkward with the blood”

“Pidge, I would never ever feed on you”

“I know that’s what making me feel so bad. You’re my brother from another mother. I’m so angry that I didn’t stick the landing”

“At least no one was filming”

“The evidence would be gone by now if they were. Oh, Shay totally thinks you’re scared of blood now”

Lance sighed deeply. He was too tired for this, and to do the think. He was also tired of people not giving him a straight and clear answer of Shay

“I want to tell her”

“Hmmm... maybe. I mean, it’s hard not to. She’s so fucking hilarious. She’d have jokes for days over this”

“I mean... I want to tell her for Hunk’s sake”

“Don’t worry about them, dude. What’s going on with you? You’re all pale and dead looking”

Another unclear answer. Fuck it. He was going to ask Coran, all his friends sucked

“The perks of being a vampire”

“You’re not very funny. I know you think you are, but you suck”

“Only on blood bags”

Pidge groaned at him, poking him in the eye as she tried to poke him in the cheek

“Fiiiiiiiiiiiine, keep your secrets... you filthy hobbitses”

“I promise it’s nothing bad, I just haven’t been feeling well since the accident. I’ll be fine though. I miss my bed”

“I’m going to tell Blue you haven’t missed her”

He did. He missed Blue. He was going to be in so much trouble for her lack of tinned food. He’d be lucky if she was talking to him

“Blue is perfect princess. How could I not?”

“Nope, you didn’t say it. It doesn’t count if you don’t say it”

“In that case I’m sorry for freaking you out”

“You’re really depressing for a dead guy. I’m fine... I’m going to lord this over Matt”

“I thought you were embarrassed”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t milk the sympathy. Mum’s all like “you have to protect her” and “blah, blah, blah””

“From me?”

“Nah. I mean. They were pretty shocked that I didn’t know my best friend was a vampire”

“I still don’t know how they knew?”

“You smiled and showed your teeth. Dad doesn’t care. He’s met vampires before... he said he didn’t like them, but you’re okay because you’re not like them”

“I feel like you’re leaving out half the conversation”

“Mum yelled. Dad yelled. Bae-Bae barked. I keep wanting to bring Bae to meet Kosmo but I forget”

“Kosmo would want to play and poor Bae would be like “let me sleep””

“Probably. Dude, have you ever drunk animal blood?”

That was kind of a weird question

“Are you asking if I’ve fed on Blue and Kosmo?”

“Nah, I’m asking because I’m bored of being serious”

“If I say yes, are you going to want the details?”

“Nope”

“Yes”

“What?! When?! What does it taste like?”

Lance sighed

“It tastes like you said you wouldn’t ask”

“But I didn’t promise”

Lance groaned at Pidge. He didn’t want to think about that part of his life

“It was out of desperation. And only absolutely fucking necessary. It didn’t do much and I didn’t hurt them much... and I hate myself for doing it”

“So why did you?”

“Because drinking human blood is weird...”

“It could be worse. I mean, you could have to eat shit or something”

“Yeah. No. Blood is bad enough”

“Is there a supernatural creature that loves tequila? I think I could do that”

“Gremlins are particularly fond of alcohol”

Pidge’s eyes went wide, Lance saying it as seriously as he could

“Gremlins are real?!”

Pinching Pidge lightly, she shoved her hand across Lance’s face

“You’re an arsehole!”

“To be fair, you’d do the same thing to me”

“Merp”

“I’ll Merp you. Now get your hand out of my face. You’re smelly”

“I am not smelly”

“You are. You smell like pretzels and disinfectant”

Pidge huffed, removing her hand in order to cross her arms

“I didn’t even get any pretzels. Matt ate them all”

“Matt eats everything”

“I know. He sucks! I hope you heard that Matthew Holt!”

“I’m sure he did. I’m going to take a nap, don’t get into too much trouble”

“You suck too. Fine, I’ll have to be content with teasing Keith”

“Don’t tease my boyfriend, that’s my job”

“You snooze, you lose”

“You’ll be snoozing. You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’”

“Puh-lease. I’m a sweet innocent human”

“Maybe in your delusions”

“Here I was, trying to make you feel better...”

“Ah, my cute little Pidgeon. I do feel better. I’m alright, I was stressing over you”

“That’s because you’re old enough to be my dad”

“I take it all back, you’re not cute at all... but seriously, I need a nap... and like a weeks vacation to recover from hiking”

“Amen, brother. Take my home to my technology!”

Climbing into the bronco, Keith eyed Pidge with caution

“I was told you can only have your slushie if you agree not to complain about the cold compress again”

“I agree”

Keith started to hand over the slushie

“Wait. She hasn’t promised. She’s agreed, but she didn’t settle a time limit for the agreement”

Pidge elbowed him in the ribs

“You were supposed to be napping!”

“I’m dozing. Or I was until Keith came back... now, promise the nice man you’ll be good and use the ice, or the slushie goes out the window”

Pidge elbowed him again, Lance groaning as she hit his belly. It wasn’t hard but was enough to remind him hurt enough to throw up at any moment

“Babe?!”

Keith was alarmed, Lance’s ego wounded that his boyfriend would think Pidge could hit him hard enough to hurt the baby

“Give the woman the slushie. I’m going to shut up before she beats me up again”

Keith handed over the slushie, Pidge settling down happily to slurp on the blueberry treat

“Maybe you should ride in the front? I’m sure Matt will be fine with Pidge in the back”

“I’m fine... Pidge, no more bashing my stomach. I’ve already thrown up and I’m not afraid to aim for you”

“Ewwww. Fine. Truce. I’ve got my slushie and I make no promises”

“That’s my girl”

Leading Kosmo back from his bathroom break, Matt hefted the dog into the car, Pidge hissing as Kosmo dumped himself in her lap

“I thought he was going with the others!”

“Kosmo is best boy, and stays with me”

“Then you can hold him!”

Chuckling, Matt moved the front seat back into place on his side

“You guys give into her demands too easily. I called mum. She’ll meet us there. Called Coran too. He promises that “Young Miss Katie shall receive the best care he can provide””

Pidge hissed at the name “Katie”, shoving Kosmo until he climbed into Lance’s lap. Keith didn’t seem pleased

“I’m fine, Kosmo is fine. We’re all here, let’s get Pidge to VOLTRON. I’m sure Coran can find an extra large needle to probe her with”

“Keep this up and I’ll ask him to neuter you when he does Matt”

“Leave my testicles out of this. I got you your slushie and paid for the snack. You’re welcome”

Throwing the snacks over, Lance copped a bag of pretzels to the face

“Can everyone stop bashing the vampire? I want to sleep”

Matt chuckled, slamming the car door behind him hard enough for Lance to flinch in worry for his poor baby

“If we’re not bashing the vampire, who are we going to bash then?”

“I nominate the werewolf. For a starters he’ll be healed by the time we get home, and for a second, he doesn’t throw up when he eats”

“Yeah, I’m going to side with Lance on this. Sorry, Matt. You’re the designated bashee”

“You guys suck. Keith, help a bro out here”

“Pidge is scary and Lance is my boyfriend. I think there’s space in the boot of Shiro’s sedan if you’d rather ride in there”

“The bunch of you are traitors. I’ll remember this Pidgeon. When you least expect I’m going to pee in your shoes”

“And when you least expect it I’m going to shave your head”

“You have to catch me first”

“That can be arranged. I’m not afraid to tell mum”

“And I’ll tell her about how little vegetables you eat”

“She knows, but she’ll never take me alive”

Lance sighed at the pair of them... How many times did he have to say he was tired?

“Can you please let the vampire sleep now? I’m tired. I feel sick. And I want to get back to Platt in one piece. Keith’s in charge of the music... Babe, feel free not to crash my car into a tree, no matter how tempting it is”

“I won’t do that to your baby. I’ve got some water if you want it”

“Nope. I want to sleep... if you guys wake me before Platt, I will shave both your heads and glue your hands together. Keith’s the exception”

“Dude... you’re so mean...”

“Yeah, Lance, take a nap already”

He wouldn’t win this battle and he knew it. He could only hope he managed not to throw up on the way home and avoid stray paws and wild Pidges.

#once bitten twice stupid #oncebittentwicestupid #Ashratherose

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skippyv20 · 5 years

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MM Anon

Not my best shot, but here it is.

re-visit millbank…an impregnable edifice …… perfect cover…… it’s not a sprint,but a marathon …… hospital records remain sealed ……… was blood thicker than water?……… Kate will win.……… jealous exposure sets the bots alight …… strictly in need…… A list of declining support …… “evening all”.

re-visit millbank…an impregnable edifice …… Millbank Tower is a 118-metre (387 ft) high skyscraper in the City of Westminster at Millbank, by the River Thames in London. The tower was constructed in 1963, and has been home to many high-profile political organisations, including the Labour and Conservative parties, and the United Nations. Is this where she’s holed up?

perfect cover…… it’s not a sprint,but a marathon …… Mmmmm, it’s certainly taking a time, not much longer please!

hospital records remain sealed ……… For MMs date of birth?

was blood thicker than water?……… Kate will win The bind regarding Pippa, Catherine will support her, though I don’t believe it, it’s just wicked PR from we know who.

jealous exposure sets the bots alight …… It doesn’t take much they are incandescent most of the time, but I think this is exposure of Megan, and her behaviour towards Kate and William. Are the press finally going to grow a backbone?

strictly in need…… I hope this doesn’t refer to Strictly Come Dancing (Dancing with the Stars in the US) one of my favourite programmes. Children in need is an annual televised charity raising funds in UK and abroad supporting children. Please don’t let her be hosting this.

A list of declining support …… “evening all”.

I’m surprised there is any support left, never mind declining. “Evening All” is from a classic UK series in the 50s/ 60s about a police constable, his work and family, called Dixon of Dock Green. He would stand in front of the station and say “ evening all” The phrase has come to mean a police officer in the UK.

Great job! Thank you😊❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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menace-behaviour · 1 year

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Buck: I was put on this earth to do one thing.

Buck: Luckily, I was also given bad birth parents and ADHD, so I forgot what it was and I can do whatever I want.

#911 fox #911 incorrect quotes #theyre idiots your honor #firefam #idiot (affectionate)#my beloved idiots #incorrect quotes #evan buckley #buckley diaz family #buck 911 #911 on fox #evan buck buckley #station 118 behaviour #the buckley siblings deserved better #the buckley parents suck

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megalony · 3 months

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Beautiful Destruction

This is a new Evan Buckley series I am hoping to work on, I hope everyone will like it. Feedback always spurs me on and makes my day, let me know what you think.

911 Masterlist

Part 2

Summary: Evan's self-destruct behaviour lands him in therapy, where he connects with (Y/n). Everything starts changing when she transfers to the 118 and their worlds collide.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I thought it was you,"

A shiver ran down the base of Evan's spine and his fingers curled tighter around the paper cup in his hand.

He recognised that voice. He had heard that voice somewhere before; it was like trying to recall a memory hours after waking up. But Evan did know her. He had heard that sweet tone before, it was like a lullaby in the back of his mind.

His head turned to the right and his chest tightened for a moment when he felt a hand trail across the back of his shoulder and around his arm. He watched her move, swiftly, angelic, until she was standing on his left in front of the refreshment table with him. He noticed the height difference first; she barely came up to his shoulder and that rung a distant bell in the back of his mind. But when her head tilted up and he caught sight of those eyes, his lips quirked into a smile.

The Christmas party.

That was where he had heard that voice and seen those mesmerising eyes before. She was the girl he went home with.

Evan could barely remember that party if he was being totally honest with himself. He hadn't been on shift and the party had been held at a different station for a change. Evan had downed one too many drinks, giving himself liquid courage to talk to anyone who approached him. This girl had been the one. She struck up a conversation with him and before he knew what was happening, he found himself dragging her out of there.

He didn't know how he managed to find his way home but somehow they got there alright. The rest of the night was a blur, but it didn't take a genius to guess what had happened. It was what usually happened when Evan found himself drinking away his anxiety and going on self destruct.

"I'm surprised to see you here," Her voice serenaded Evan until he realised he was staring down at her with a tender smile, but not actually saying anything or acknowledging her.

His heart did another leap in his chest when she darted her eyes around before leaning in close to whisper, "Fire hose, right?"

Oh God, what had he said to her that night?

That was a nickname he got when he was first on the job and it wasn't something that had stuck, thankfully. Evan must have been a lot worse off than he thought.

His lips pulled into a worried smile and he tilted his head down and tried to control his hands so he could pour some coffee into his empty paper cup. His tongue darted out over his lips and he leaned across, silently filling her own cup when she held it out to him.

"I told you that, huh?"

"Not quite… that's the name you put with your number in my phone." It was hard for (Y/n) to stop her lips from curving into a grin around her cup as she took a swig of coffee. She had been pleasantly surprised to look through her phone the next morning and find that instead of his name, that was what he decided to save his contact number as.

"Let's change it to Evan, shall we?" He dragged his eyes over her shirt for a second before he looked back up at her smile.

(Y/n). Her name was (Y/n), he could remember that now.

Her number was in his phone but in his drunken state, Evan hadn't remembered to add her name in. They had exchanged a few messages since their hook up at Christmas, but neither of them had met up again. The Christmas and New Year period were very hard for their line of work and kept them both busy.

"I um, I haven't seen you here before. Are you okay?"

(Y/n) brushed a strand of hair behind her ear as she turned her back to the table and looked over towards the middlle of the hall. The chairs were just being set up into a rough circle and the usual members of the group were plodding in. Not many people got a drink before their session started, everyone usually found their selected seat and got sat down straight away.

She hadn't seen Evan here before. (Y/n) hadn't been to many meetings, she started coming just before Christmas and Evan hadn't been here then or anytime since.

She debated reaching her hand out to touch his shoulder but refrained herself and moved her arm to wrap around her chest instead.

"My sister thought I could use some help, reccomended this place." Evan wouldn't have chosen to come here of his own volition, but he would do anything for his sister. And to stop her worries and calm her down, he came here when she gave him the leaflet and suggested it at least three times.

"I'm glad you're here."

Her words took Evan by surprise. His eyes followed her as she started to walk towards the seats, leaving Evan behind her with a loose jaw and swirling emotions flooding through his pupils.

With his cup in one hand and his other hand tucked into his back pocket, he followed after her with a slow pace and his heels dragging against the polished floor. He watched everyone take their seats and he moved to the empty space which just so happened to be directly opposite (Y/n).

It gave Evan a perfect view of the girl he had thought about more than once over these past few weeks.

He leaned to the right and placed his cup down beside his chair before he tried to get comfy. His back slouched down, his knees spread wide and his hands clasped together, hanging between his thighs. He didn't know how to sit or what to do with himself.

And Evan found his eyes dancing across to (Y/n) more than once.

She was sat with her legs crossed beneath her and her back set straight. Both her hands were planted on her knees and made her look like she was meditating, and maybe she was. Maybe that was her way of staying calm and getting through these sessions.

There weren't many people who enjoyed meeting a group of strangers and talking about their problems.

"Okay, we have a new face among us today. Would you like to introduce yourself?"

Evan lifted his head and looked around the room again. Everyone was sat down now, there were nine other people and the group leader here. He didn't want to be called out. It made him feel like he was back in school, like he was the new kid. He stuck out like a sore thumb to everyone here when all his life, Evan only wanted to fit in.

He stretched his fingers out and started to rub his palms up and down his trousers, wiping the sweat off his hands that were now cold and numb with panic.

He could feel his heart hammering away in his chest and the leaflet crumpled in his back pocket was burning its way through to his skin like he was sat on a meteorite.

"My name's Evan." He smiled despite himself and did a quick, unsettling sweep around the room, taking in the faces of the other nine people sat here with him.

Evan wasn't one for big introductions and he didn't know if he was supposed to go off into a big tangent straight away or wait until his turn. Evan needed to know how they did things here, what their sense of normal was and how he was supposed to act and open up. Were there topics they talked about? Was he supposed to say whatever was on his mind? What should he do?

"Welcome. We're all glad you're here."

Somehow, he doubted that. Evan doubted everyone in this hall would be pleased to have a new, unfamiliar face here to learn their secrets and terrors and silently judge them. He could just feel the unease they were all trying to keep well hidden. A stranger was sitting among them, they would have to open up to someone else who was new and strange and possibly a threat or a danger to their sanity.

The only thing that was calming Evan down from a panic attack was the fact that he knew someone here.

(Y/n). She was here, she had a reason for being here and she was getting help the same way Evan was now trying to do. This was a new world but Evan wasn't totally alone here like he thought he would be.

"I know it might be daunting, your first time here. Do you want to explain why you've decided to come today?"

Evan scrutinised the name written in biro on the session leader's name tag. Harold. He didn't look like a Harold, the name didn't suit him. He was a tall, lanky man in his forties with a receeding hairline and thick rimmed glasses that took up too much of his face. But he seemed kind. His eyes were compassionate which was something Evan didn't see a lot of.

With pursed lips, Evan straightened up in his chair and dug his nails into his knees to try and calm down the panic radiating through his system.

"I… I'm spiralling again, and I don't know what to do. My sister told me about this place. She uh, she found me passed out with bottles and broken picture frames scattered around, and I don't remember why."

His hand brushed beneath his nose before he leaned back and clicked his spine into place.

It hadn't been one of Evan's proudest moments, waking up sometime in the afternoon with Maddie hovering over him. He had fallen asleep on the couch, at least three different spirit bottles lying empty on the floor around him and most of his pictures broken and scattered on the floor. And Evan couldn't remember why he had gone into a rampage or what had set him off. He didn't remember most of the night.

Maddie gave him a choice. He started coming to meetings and tried to let people help him, or she would be round his apartment every day to keep an eye on him.

He wouldn't worry her like that so here he was.

"And what do you do, when you spiral?"

Evan wished he wasn't the first person to be talking today. He wanted to know why everyone else was here, what their triggers were and how they fell out of control.

This group was generalised. It wasn't an alcoholics anonymous or a gambling session or narcotics. It was for a range of people who worked within the emergency services. People who had stressful jobs who were struggling, mostly due to the job but also just because of life. This was a counselling session to try and help people learn different ways to cope and have an outlet to talk.

"I get destructive."

"How so?"

"I binge drink, usually when I'm anxious…" Evan let his eyes lift up from his hands for a few seconds. Long enough to latch his eyes onto (Y/n) and find that she was looking right at him. They seemed to be thinking the same thing.

Christmas. He had been drinking a lot at the Christmas party.

Was (Y/n) part of his self destruct that night? Did he take her home because he needed an outlet?

Then again, (Y/n) hadn't been her best self either. Did she do the same to him?

"I don't… I don't always care about my safety. I'm a fireman and I, I'll run into any situation without thinking it through. I guess, I see myself as disposable. Who cares what happens to me, right?"

Evan knew he had people who cared about him. He had his big sister, he had Eddie who was like a brother to him and he had Bobby and Athena who were like his surrogate parents, but that didn't help as much as Evan wanted it to. His life was never cared for, his sister raised him when his parents couldn't find the will to care about what happened to him.

People used and disposed of Evan like he was nothing, all of his relationships proved that.

When he spiralled, he got to the point of being at ease with running into a burning building and knowing he might not come back out. He didn't always listen to Bobby's orders, he went off of what he thought he should do and he acted before he could think everything through. Evan lived his life like dying wasn't a real problem.

He played roulette with his life and the possibility of getting hurt didn't phase or worry him like it should. He went numb to it after a while.

"What triggers these spirals, Evan?"

"The people around me. I get so scared of losing them… a friend of mine got hurt on the job and he almost died. He has a family, people who depend on him, but if it had been me, that would have been easier for everyone else."

Evan had gone off the rails when Eddie got shot a few months back. When he wasn't looking after Chris, he was drowning his sorrows and becoming less and less cautious and safe when he was on the job. If he had been the one to get shot, Chris's safety and environment wouldn't have been in danger. He would still have had Eddie come home to him. Eddie's parents weren't the best, but they cared about him.

No one would have to worry if it was Evan who had been shot. He wished he could have taken that bullet. It might have changed things for his own parents as well as how he viewed himself.

Harold seemed to sense that Evan wasn't willing to say much more about it before he nodded and shifted to face the rest of the group, taking the attention off of Evan.

"Thank you for sharing. Can anyone else relate to this self-destruct mode?"

"Sometimes."

(Y/n) bowed her head and started dragging her nails across the back of her hand, scratching the few scabs on her knuckles until they flaked off. She could understand Evan's need to have a drink and wash away the panic. She could relate to going on shift and becoming less self-aware and more open to the idea of being hurt.

"(Y/n), go ahead." The surprise was clear in Harold's voice. The past two sessions, (Y/n) had been as quiet as a door mouse and refused to speak. And the previous session, she had only said that something had happened at work. She wasn't willing to expand on that or explain how it made her feel and no one had pushed her.

But hearing Evan open up despite this being his first session, and relating to his situation, made (Y/n) more willing to talk today.

She dropped her legs down so her feet were touching the floor and kept her eyes on her hands. (Y/n) never knew where to look when she spoke and nine times out of ten, she ended up having awkward eye-contact with someone while she reeled off her monologue.

"I don't want to say how I self-destruct… but I'm willing to explain why."

"That's okay, tell us what's been going on."

"I'm a firefighter too and, we had a call out a few weeks ago… burning building, the usual evacuate tactic. But I got trapped, I needed help and a guy on the team, he chose to help someone else. I mean, I was okay in the end, I got out myself but… it cemented things for me."

"How so?"

"It proved they didn't pick me; my team were never going to pick me. No one had my back, you know?" (Y/n) rolled her lips together and swiped her sleeve across her eyes to collect the tears starting to fall. "How do I go back to work knowing it's me looking out for myself? So I destruct, and I- I don't want to, I don't want to be in pain but I think, if I destruct, someone will notice. Someone will have my back and stop me. No one does."

(Y/n) didn't want to explode on herself. She didn't want to end up hurting herself and putting herself in harm's way and rushing into a tough scene at work when she should hang back and wait. But the more she destructed herself, the more she thought someone would notice.

Someone would come to her aid and hold her and tell her it was okay because they had seen her and they would look out for her. And when no one came to her aid, the cycle repeated itself.

"Have you spoken to anyone at work about it?"

(Y/n) nodded. She wasn't willing to open up about that either. She didn't want to see their judgement if she told them she had requested a transfer to a different station.

It wasn't just because she had been left in danger, it was the fact that no one seemed willing to help her.

(Y/n) had begged for help over the radio, she was trapped and couldn't get out and the fire was directly above her on a floor that was about to collapse. She had to fight her own way out of that building. She couldn't go back to working alongside people who weren't willing to look out for her. (Y/n) wasn't able to always look out for herself in every situation and she couldn't keep defending herself when a team was supposed to share that effort and care for each other.

"And that's what irritates you, that need to be seen and heard and picked, to have someone put you first."

Harold's words sparked something within Evan and he couldn't stop himself from looking up at (Y/n). He clamped his teeth down on his tongue to refrain from speaking. It wasn't his place to talk or add an input, he was here to listen.

But he was so desperate to tell her.

To tell her that he would have her back. He would pick her, he would put her first if she was on his team. If she worked with him, (Y/n) would never have to fear that no one would come back for her. The 118 would have her back any day of the week, at work or not. She would never have to put herself in harm's way to be seen by them.

(Y/n) lifted her head but she was taken back by Evan's piercing gaze that tore through her. It was like he was trying to send her a silent message but she wasn't getting what he was saying.

Her hands started to scratch along her thighs and she looked down at her knees as she nodded.

"I just… I don't see how you can pick and choose. If we start deciding who lives and who dies, we shouldn't be in the job anymore." (Y/n) knew certain situations meant they had to pick who was a priority and who to help, but it wasn't always like that.

No one chose to come back for her, no one thought it was their duty. They decided (Y/n) wasn't worthy, they didn't pick her and they chose to stand back and to help someone else. Why was it okay to choose to go against her but it wasn't okay to choose to help her?

Their job was to save everyone, not be selective. The day they became selective over their casualties was the day they needed to quit.

"Am I not worth saving?"

"Everyone is worth saving, and that's why you're here. So we can save you."

(Y/n)was happy when the session ended. She liked coming here, talking things through helped, especially when she knew what she said was confidential and she never saw these outside of the meetings. It meant she wasn't at risk of them passing on what she said to other people in her life.

She slung her bag on her shoulder and walked towards the hall doors, throwing her cup in the bin before she walked out into the hallway. Everyone else was still inside grabbing a drink or having a little chat before they left.

(Y/n) crossed her arms over her chest and looked around, unsure whether to stand and collect herself here in the silent corridor or whether to just start her walk home.

"Hey," Her body jumped when a soft voice spoke in her ear and a hand landed on her shoulder.

She jolted to the left and looked up to see Evan towering over her, a timid smile on his face that made him look like a gentle giant. Her eyes followed him as he leaned his shoulders back against the wall and pressed one foot into the wall. His calm, relaxed stance made the tension fade away from (Y/n) and she nudged her shoulder into his with a small smile before she copied his stance and leaned her shoulders back.

"Hi."

"So… what are the rules here? Is this like AA, keep things anonymous, no talking outside of meetings?"

Evan didn't know how they did things here. He didn't know if things were supposed to be kept anonymous. They knew first names but no one said their last names here and he would guess that no one met up outside this meeting hall.

"I don't know, there's no specific rules about that. Why, wanna go for a drink?" (Y/n) tilted her head back and sunk her teeth down into her bottom lip while Evan slid his hand into his back pocket.

"Maybe."

"Your place or mine?"

Evan couldn't work out if she was being serious or if she was just humouring him and trying to break the air a little. The way she dropped her head onto his arm made him suck in a deep breath and when she looked up at him like that and batted those lashes at him, his knees went weak. He hoped she wasn't joking.

"You know if… if you were on my team, I'd pick you. You're worth saving." Evan dropped his chin down to his shoulder to look at her and he thought he'd said the wrong thing when he noticed her eyes were glazed over.

"Why?"

Her lips pressed together and her chin tilted up to meet Evan halfway when he leaned down to get as close as he could. (Y/n) could feel his nose nudging hers and the look in his eyes was almost frightening. Her head and neck started to shake when she felt his fingertip graze up her neck and around to her chin.

"You don't have to have a reason to be saved." He didn't have to have a reason. There was nothing to say that (Y/n) had to do something worthy in order for people to look out for her and help her. Evan would save her whether she was someone he knew or whether she was a complete stranger.

It was what everyone deserved. Every person deserved to be saved, that was the motto of their job, the rule they lived by. They couldn't pick and choose, they helped everyone regardless of who they were and what they did.

But Evan didn't have to have a reason, he instinctively knew he would always pick (Y/n) if she needed him to. He wouldn't leave her trapped and alone, he would go back for her.

He was surprised by her grip when her fingers scrunched up in his shirt and she reeled him closer until their lips touched.

Evan could taste the coffee on her tongue and the cherry lip balm coating her bottom lip. He could feel her nails scratching into his chest and her body pressing up against his until he was pinned back against the wall. His hands moved to cup her hips, both to keep her where she was and to steady her so she didn't slip against him. His hands scrunched around her curves and his nose bumped hers when he pushed down against her.

Maybe this wasn't the best idea.

They were two catalysts, ready to combine and explode and errupt all over the place. They weren't in the best mind frames right now and neither of them wanted to use the other. Evan used sex and alcohol and danger to combust and regulate and it wasn't something he was proud of. He didn't want to do that and hurt (Y/n) in the process.

But the way she was kissing him made it hard to resist. He loved the taste of her lips and the feeling he got when he sank his teeth down into her lip. He loved the way her hands grasped his shoulders when he turned them around so (Y/n) was the one with her back to the wall instead of him.

And he loved the feeling of swallowing up her words when she spoke in hushed, breathless pants against his lips. "So, your place or mine?"

***

"Buck, you coming? Bobby's got the new recruit downstairs."

Hen's voice pulled Evan from his thoughts and stopped him from dragging his fingers through his hair to the point he was almost gathering clumps between his fingers.

He lifted his head up and managed a smile, moving away from the table so he could follow her out the kitchen and over to the stairs. He forgot they were getting a new recruit.

In all fairness, Evan wasn't sure he wanted them to have a new recruit at the station. It took him a while to get used to new people and the last few recruits they had hadn't lasted very long. Lucy had been here for a month, if that. Ravi was in and out, always here and there and never around for long. The guy Hen referred to as 'Monday' was definitely out.

No one stuck around for long and Evan liked the team just the way it was. He didn't want to have to make a new friend and try to learn someone else's tactics and ways of doing the job. He didn't want someone else around to get in the way and slow them down and make things difficult.

Evan plodded down the stairs with his hands in his pockets and his head tilted down. He followed a foot behind Hen towards the fire truck where Eddie and Chimney were already gathered and waiting.

"Alright team, this is our newest member of the team, transferred over from the two-ninety. Meet (Y/n)."

Evan's head bolted up so fast he almost got whiplash when that made rang through his ears. His hands dug through his pockets into his thighs and his shoulders tensed up when he locked his eyes on that oh so familiar frame. He dragged his gaze up her body until he was looking into those piercing eyes that weren't holding their usual intrigue and hope.

There was something different in her eyes today; it wasn't quite panic, but it was close.

An almost cocky grin spread across Evan's face as he reached one hand up to rub his jaw and the corner of his mouth. He could feel all the words burning on the tip of his tongue. Every little quick remark and little jibe he could make to tease her and allude to something without actually admitting anything to the team.

He wouldn't do it to embarrass her, it was the playful side of Evan coming out to play. But everything he wanted to say fizzled out when he looked over at (Y/n) and she darted her eyes from side to side like she was trying to tell him something. He didn't know what she was trying to say, but he could see the nervousness radiating through her when she brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"This is Eddie, Chimney, Hen, and that's Buck."

"It's great to meet you all."

"Now I expect you all to make my daughter feel welcome at our station."

Evan could feel his mouth going dry and his throat began to close up as his eyes darted over to look at Bobby.

Oh God. That had to be a joke. Bobby had to be pulling their strings, trying to tease them and get one over on them. This couldn't be his daughter. He never said she was one of them, that she was a firefighter too. Bobby never mentioned what her name was or what she looked like or that she was so close by and about to transfer here.

How had Evan slept with Bobby's daughter- more than once, and not known?

He didn't catch (Y/n)'s last name when he was at the Christmas party, he couldn't have done or he would have known who she was and he wouldn't have taken her home out of respect for Bobby. He didn't know her name at their meeting either because they only said their first names. And no one really had contact outside of meetings.

This was great. He had slept with the Captain's daughter who was now going to be working with them. How could he work alongside her now? How could he remain professional? What was he supposed to do and say?

He didn't realise he was the only one still stood there until he looked up and everyone else was moving away. Hen and Chimney followed Bobby up the stairs, shouting after him and demanding an explanation while their captain laughed and carried on walking. And Eddie directed (Y/n) over to the locker room before he went ahead into the gym.

Moving from his frozen state, Evan picked up the pace until he was jogging past the ambulance and bolting into the locker room. He watched (Y/n) for a few seconds. She was stood with her back to him, putting her things in the locker on the far right that was spare.

"Hey," Evan leaned his right arm on the edge of her locker and jutted one hip out as his left hand moved to rest on his waist. He tilted his head to the side and brushed his forehead against his arm, waiting patiently until (Y/n) closed her locker.

She let herself drop to the left and slump into her locker, binding her arms across her chest. Her head stayed level with his chest and her eyes focused on the chain hanging around his neck to distract herself.

"You… are you really Bobby's daughter?"

"Hm. Is that a problem?" (Y/n)'s tone wasn't crude or insinuating but when she darted her eyes up, Evan could see the worry swirling around in them.

"No! No, but it complicates things… I should have asked your name at the party, I didn't think…" His hand moved from his hip to smooth over his temple. He could feel a headache forming behind his eyes making his upper lip curl in distaste. He shouldn't have let himself get so drunk he would take her home without even getting her last name or knowing anything about her.

"Maybe if I asked you yours I would have realised you were the Buck my dad always talks about."

It wasn't all Evan's fault. (Y/n) didn't ask him his last name either. He had introduced himself as Evan and that was enough. If he said he had a nickname of Buck or his last name was Buckley, (Y/n) might have figured out that he worked with her dad. That he was the kid her dad had taken a shine to and thought of as his son.

"Does Bobby know why you transferred here?" Evan couldn't believe Bobby would be so calm and collected if he knew (Y/n) was here because of what she talked about in their therapy session. He wouldn't be happy if he knew (Y/n) hadn't felt safe with her team and didn't feel like they were looking out for her.

"No. As far as you all know, I'm here for a fresh start with a good team."

"Okay." Evan scratched his jaw and clicked his neck into place before he leaned back down. He pressed s finger beneath (Y/n)'s chin and tilted her head up so their eyes were locked again. "You'll be alright here, we'll look out for you… I'll have your back."

"And I'll have yours." (Y/n) forced herself to smile as she reached her hand out and patted his chest.

That was that, then. They were going to be working alongside each other, and her dad. (Y/n) was integrating into a new team and whatever had gone on between her and Evan was going to be forgotten history. She would look out for him and keep him in line and he would look out for her and have her back. They would help each other out through this and their therapy sessions were going to be interesting.

Pushing off her locker, (Y/n)rubbed her sweating palms over her thighs and went to walk out the room. But she didn't get one foot past Evan before his hand moved out and cupped her chin. His finger stroked along her jaw and his thumb pressed into her cheek as he turned her head back so she was looking up at him again.

Adrenaline ignited in (Y/n)'s stomach and her fingertips started to turn numb when a clouded, hooded look took over Evan's eyes and his lips curved into a smile.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about this, either."

(Y/n) braced her hand out on the locker to stop her knees giving way when Evan swooped down and conquered her lips. She could feel his teeth scraping against her lower lip and his tongue swiped out before he started to suck on her upper lip. His fingers stayed caressing her jaw and she felt his other hand hold her hip so he could pull her closer.

Both her hands moved to steady herself on his chest and she drank in each breath he tried to take until she made him dizzy.

Things really were going to get interesting.

#evan buckley x reader #evan buckley #imagine #911 imagine #evan buckley imagine #buck x reader #buck imagine #bobby nash #beautiful destruction

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lucia888 · 5 years

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This Saturday 23 March Flickerfest @ Huskisson Pictures 9 Australian Shorts (122 minutes) start at 6 pm Saturday 23 March followed by drinks and nibbles then 10 Comedy Shorts (118 minutes). All for only $27.50 or $24.00 (Movie Club / Concession / Student) or just see Aussie Shorts or Comedy and enjoy the drinks & nibbles for $15/$13 tickets available now at the Box Office Book one session online via Choovie.com.au now Highlights: FLICKERFEST 2019 BEST OF AUSTRALIAN SHORTS Local short film BIRDIE a woman walking along to the train station smiles at a young man, he smiles back. With the smallest of gestures, the woman is caught in a subtle and sinister game. The producer of BIRDIE Lizzie Carter grew up around Huskisson and will be at the screening. Aussie comedian Paul McDermott’s GHOSTBEAR a polar bear cub wanders the arctic wasteland in search of his place in the world. ALL THESE CREATURES an adolescent boy attempts to untangle his memories of a mysterious infestation, the unravelling of his father, and the little creatures inside us all. Winner of the Palme d'Or at Cannes in 2018 and which was also awarded Best Editing in an Australian Short Film at Flickerfest 2019. FLICKERFEST 2019 SHORT LAUGHS COMEDY ANIMAL BEHAVIOUR (Canada) 2019 OSCAR Short Film (Animated) Nominee Dealing with what comes naturally isn’t easy, especially for animals, five animals meet regularly to discuss their inner angst in group therapy led by Dr. Clement, a canine psychotherapist. This is a one-off chance to see these amazing short films before they continue their journey around the world #Flickerfest #HuskissonPictures #shoalhaven #AustralianShorts #ShortLaughsComedy #hilarious #funny #shortfilm #BIRDIE #LizzieCarter #Huskisson #Aussie #australian #comedian #PaulMcDermott #GHOSTBEAR #polarbear #ALLTHESECREATURES #mysterious #PalmedOr #Cannes #BestEditing #AustralianShortFilm #ANIMALBEHAVIOUR #Canada #oscars #Animated #nominee #animals #grouptherapy #canine #psychotherapist (at Huskisson Pictures) https://www.instagram.com/p/BvL-frrgkZm/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1s9i95h8f6305

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ao3feed-chicagofire · 4 years

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Home of the Bears

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3hwHCe4

by BuckyAndDanno

Post-Lawsuit. Anonymous complaints. The Chief of the LAFD has had enough of the 118’s behaviour, so he puts in a call to his old friend Wallace Boden; after all, they’d been thinking of updating their command structure and operations anyway. Boden, along with his top two teams at Chicago Firehouse 51, arrive in L.A. to show the 118 a thing or two about teamwork and family. What they don’t expect is to find Evan “Buck” Buckley-Severide in the middle of it.

Bobby and co thought all they had to lose was their firehouse. As it turns out, they should have been more worried about losing Buck to the 51.

Words: 3350, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: 9-1-1 (TV), Chicago Fire

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Evan "Buck" Buckley, Kelly Severide, Matthew Casey, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Bobby Nash, Firehouse 51 (Chicago Fire), Station 118 - Character, All Characters Appear But Those Five Are The Main Ones, Extra Protective Wallace Boden

Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Kelly Severide

Additional Tags: Family Feels, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Starting Over, 51 Takes Over 118, 51 Cleans House, Buck on Squad, Evan "Buck" Buckley-Severide, Protective Kelly Severide, Severide Bros, Worried Kelly Severide, Buck Is A Lieutenant

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3hwHCe4

#chicago fire #chicago fire fanfic #ao3feed #fanfic

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LOS ANGELES — After announcing that he’ll take the first-ever commercial rocket trip around the moon, Yusaku Maezawa said he wants company for the weeklong journey. The Japanese billionaire said he plans to invite six to eight artists, architects, designers and other creative people to join him on board the SpaceX rocket “to inspire the dreamer in all of us.”

The Big Falcon Rocket is scheduled to make the trip in 2023, SpaceX founder Elon Musk announced at an event Monday at its headquarters near Los Angeles.

Maezawa, 42, said he wants his guests for the lunar orbit “to see the moon up close, and the Earth in full view, and create work to reflect their experience.”

Yusaku will be bringing 8 (brave) artists & cultural figures with him on the journey around the moon! https://t.co/PCU23HYTa9

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) September 18, 2018

Musk said the entrepreneur, founder of Japan’s largest retail website and one of the country’s richest people, will pay “a lot of money” for the trip but declined to disclose the exact amount. Maezawa came to SpaceX with the idea for the group flight, Musk said.

“I did not want to have such a fantastic experience by myself,” said Maezawa, wearing a blue sports jacket over a white T-shirt printed with a work by the late painter Jean-Michel Basquiat. He said he often mused about what artists like Basquiat or Andy Warhol might have come up with if they’d travelled into space.

“I wish to create amazing works of art for humankind,” Maezawa said.

Maezawa didn’t immediately say who will be on his guest list for the spaceflight, but in response to a question from a reporter he said he’d consider inviting Musk.

“Maybe we’ll both be on it,” Musk said with a smile.

Hanging out with @yousuck2020 before the @SpaceX moon mission announcement pic.twitter.com/RTOwutzMtG

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) September 18, 2018

Musk said the BFR is still in development and will make several unmanned test launches before it takes on passengers. The reusable 118-meter (387-foot) rocket will have its own dedicated passenger ship, and its development is expected to cost about $5 billion, Musk said.

The mission will not involve a lunar landing.

The average distance from Earth to the moon is about 237,685 miles (382,500 kilometres). Astronauts last visited the moon during NASA’s Apollo program. Twenty-four men flew to the moon from 1968 through 1972, and half of them made it to the lunar surface.

NASA is planning its own lunar flyby with a crew around 2023. The space agency also aims to build a staffed gateway near the moon during the 2020s. The outpost would serve as a stepping-off point for the lunar surface, Mars and points beyond.

Maezawa, a former musician, founded the retail firm Start Today in 1998 and built it into one of Japan’s most successful companies. In 2012, he started the Tokyo-based Contemporary Art Foundation to support young artists. He made headlines in 2016 when he paid more than $57 million at auction for an untitled work by Basquiat. A year later, he paid more than $110 million auction for another piece by the same artist.

Musk outlined a somewhat different SpaceX lunar mission last year. He said then that two people who know each other approached the company about a weeklong flight to the moon and back. Musk did not name the clients last year or say how much they would pay.

That original mission would have used a Falcon Heavy rocket — the most powerful rocket flying today — and a Dragon crew capsule similar to the one NASA astronauts will use to fly to the International Space Station as early as next year.

The era of space tourism began in 2001, when California businessman Dennis Tito paid for a journey on a Russian rocket to the International Space Station. The trip was organized by the Virginia-based company Space Adventures, which has since sent several more paying customers on spaceflights.

SpaceX already has a long list of firsts, with its sights ultimately set on Mars. It became the first private company to launch a spacecraft into orbit and safely return it to Earth in 2010, and the first commercial enterprise to fly to the space station in 2012 on a supply mission.

Musk’s successes have recently been overshadowed by his behaviour and the struggles of his Tesla electric car company to deliver.

He recently criticized analysts during a Tesla earnings conference call, labeled a British diver in the recent Thai cave rescue drama as a pedophile, took a hit off an apparent marijuana-tobacco joint during a podcast interview, and tweeted that he had funding to take Tesla private but then announced the deal was off.

Two high-level executives announced departures from Tesla, and the diver sued Musk on Monday. Last month he told the New York Times he was overwhelmed by job stress.

The British diver, Vernon Unsworth, sued Musk for defamation on Monday and is seeking more than $75,000.

Musk and SpaceX engineers built a small submarine and shipped it to Thailand to help with the rescue. The device wasn’t used and in the interview, Unsworth called it a “PR stunt” and said it wouldn’t have worked to free the boys who were trapped in the flooded cave.

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