It was Anthy all along; it was always her.

So I was picking raspberries and listening to another Utena rewatch/analysis podcast this morning (as one does), and had a revelation that blew my mind, something I hadn't put the pieces together before...

(spoilers below the cut because there's no way to talk about it without talking about all of it)

So they were reading the opening fairy tale on the podcast, the prince giving the ring to Utena, and this is what came to me:

We've always known that the prince is an illusion. Whatever Dios was, or represents, by the time they could meet Utena in childhood (in whatever sense time exists), there is no person there. To the extent that real things exist outside of Ohtori, I'd always read this as a projection of Akio, a facade of princeliness he puts on while trying to find another person who might be able to win his dueling game for him. After all, he's the one who claims to be a prince, to have been a prince, wanting to reclaim the power of Dios. He is the prince that Touga and Saionji knew, when they biked together to the church and saw Utena hiding in a coffin.

But we also know that who Utena saw in the church was Anthy, a little girl, hurting, that she couldn't help but reach out to.

And why should Akio be there? He has his world in Ohtori that he can't imagine leaving. He sends Anthy to do his work for him, borrowing the power of the Rose Bride since he no longer has the power of the Prince. We know Anthy goes into the world (as Miki and Kozue's new stepmother). We know Anthy is an illusion (you know *hand gestures at everything*, but also specifically Mamiya). Why shouldn't Utena have seen a shining eternal thing, a miracle, the power to revolutionize the world, and remember it as a prince? Why shouldn't she have accepted a ring from the Rose Bride, a promise that if she remains noble and true that they will meet again, and decide that she will be the prince for this bride herself?

And was it a good idea? To follow an illusion that doesn't exist? To be manipulated into a game she can't win? (To reach out a hand to someone caught in a trap?)

Dios has always been Anthy, for Utena.

10, 20 (+21)? 👀🏳️‍🌈

(just answered 10 ^^)

20 Are you out of the closet IRL? - I'm out to pretty much all my friends plus my brother and parents but not to the rest of the family and also definitely not at work (although I think at least one coworker is starting to suspect something because I know about a lot of queer issues & terminology, am trying to actually find someone to write a book about queer identities and queer kids that we can publish and I don't take off my "queer as fuck" rainbow wristband)

21 Is your family supportive? - well they pretty much ignore it tbh so I wouldn't call it supportive exactly. my brother & dad might've just straight up forgotten and when I talk to my mum about issues related to me being queer she barely replies or changes the topic. I guess they don't understand but it's frustrating that they're not even trying to learn anything

Pride asks

Too Queer For This Shit

Hey! @natthewombat is doing a really cool thing for her thesis. I wrote a little something and I wanted to share it, even if it doesn’t make it into the final draft. Please fill out their survey and share something if you’d like!

Content warning: r*pe, sexuality, drugs (acid)

I'm laying on the floor in my apartment, with my roommate on the couch nearby. The walls are breathing, the ceiling is swirling. Acid shivers shoot down my spine. All I can think about are girls... how much I want to hold them... and kiss them... and hear about their lives... how pretty their hair is... just... girls...

And suddenly an image flashes in my mind's eye of all the furtive hookups in the back of his van. The drugs and drink he gave me. Watching from the third person, I see him on top of me, and I'm silent, stoic, waiting for something. Waiting for it to be over? But I don't say anything. It wouldn't matter if I did.

The three years I spent calling myself his 'girlfriend.' All of the fighting, wishing it was over, loathing his face and voice, thinking 'this is normal, right?' His complaining still rings in my ears as I explore the softness and pleasure in my body: 'what's taking so long?' 'why don't you shave for me?' 'did you cum?' I faked it nearly every time. It was the only way to get him to stop.

There was more than one boy... but it all blurs together after a while. What was that? I ask myself now, repulsion crawling over my skin as I recall my teenage years. I was 13, uncomfortable, and unimpressed when we 'saw' each other for the first time. I was 17, shaking and terrified, googling the definition of rape the morning after he 'saw' me again. I am now 20 and confident that I only want girls, but still questioning. Questioning who gave him the right, and why I ever let it go on so long.

Now is the time for me, I think to myself, savoring my new name and pronouns, and imagining pretty girls in my future. I'll never look back.

Euphoria Season 2 Episode 3 liveblog

As always there are spoilers below

Here we go I'm not prepared for my ship to crash in flames any Sunday now. Also I wanna kick Cassie with my good heels.

I'm very excited we are seeing Cal's backstory because is is what I wanted in season 1.

R.i.p Inxs such a tragic story what happened there.

I figured the Jacobs were generational wealth of some kind.

I realize more people are freaked out by seeing all the dicks in this show than I am. It's just nudity shrug we all get naked sometimes and its not sexual.

Cal loved a boy that didn't entirely love him back or wouldn't fully allow himself to. Marsha was literally his Maddy but, he was going through the whole heteronormativity perform for my father bullshit.

Derrick's girlfriend is so pretty.

Nothing is wrong with bisexuality. Oh they are at a gay bar which may be something they both knew or didn't know before they went there together.

Ugh they were young and in love and couldn't be because it was the 1980s. This is so sad and then of course all that unprotected sex led to an oops baby. Not the cold open just being tears. I'm sorry but id be there for my kid but that does not mean I'm about to live out the rest of my life unhappy.

Here's my little messy drug addict and this song is quite literally her and her relationship with drugs and Jules. The way I would do this and my family wouldn't think I was high they'd think its just me being me.

Here we go with her presentation and its Elliot at the helm of the clicker. Rue, the world is fucked up but that doesn't mean you can get help this presentation is so fucking chaotic like oh my god. This is what I feel like when I'm manic like bro my fucking head hurts slow the hell down. And she thinks that she's getting away with this mess? Also, girl a drug test like a blood test shows what weed is versus opiates you dummy.

Nah rue everyone knows you're lying and that weed is not what you're doing. Ooo now everyone's seeing that Rue is an addict and that addicts can be sneaky and conniving. She's using her little sister as a way to get what she wants. You are such a fucking liar also she acts like people can't tell the difference between weed and heroin. This really hits home though.

Jules is gonna interrogate this man well boy because she wants to know if he wants to fuck her girlfriend. Jules said I wanna fuck her but we aren't having that discussion right now.

Rue! We don't ask body counts, also body counts don't matter.

Ay they explained why Hunter is using a binder this season. Which hey androgyny is great but i think there's a bigger underlying issue there that maybe she needs and should talk about.

This entire scene is fucking great. I think they are alluding to polyamory which would be great is Jules wasn't gonna sit between two people who snort things up their nose for fun and one doesn't know when to tell his friend no and the other can't stop because then she will have to really really feel and feeling sucks.

Rue and Jules are so sweet and cute when they are free just being in love teenagers.

Jules said please God touch me. Well damn. 😳

Rue no put the heroin down. Its like she's just smoking weed has a great moment and jumps to "let me do heroin". But I get it we all really wanna feel really good after the best thing happens to us.

Ayy Lexi and me have similar coping mechanisms, this is so fucking good. Okay I love this damn show and how they used the actual bts and crews to just film this tid bit.

This is how Lexi really sees Rue and thats how Rue probably actually is. These two sisters honestly should talk like sit down and talk because they have traumas the two will only understand. The reasons they both have such an urge to people please or completely dissociate or become super insular.

Cassie I'm glad you're doing self care but when its only for a boy who doesn't give a shit about you you look like a fucking idiot.

Aw I love Lexi like I adored her once I saw her bob Ross costume but now she got my heart. Please let her stay single though I don't need her and her sister trying to vye for male attention because of their daddy issues.

These three are such trouble together but its fun trouble. How unfortunate that they can't just enjoy this stupid fun teen energy because Rue is out here feening for some damn drugs because she ran out of her supply. Girl the rule is "don't get high on you're own supply". I just want them to be happy and good.

Of course Elliot thinks it is a good idea.

Aww everyone calls her Rue-Rue.

Lexi looks exhausted and is like Rue hold you're god damn tongue this is how im processing life.

Awww the fact that everyone is so concerned about Rue is really fucking sweet. Nobody wants her to die from an overdose.

Yea Maddy you're doing so so much better now and no it was that bad he strangled you. Cassie if you know all this shit about their relationship why the fuck are you pining over his jolly green giant ass. Especially cause he's only using Cassie for sex but doesn't know anything about her.

Cassie and Nate are so fucking stupid, get them off my screen.

Ewww not his parents listening to this shit and his dad being like no this is weird and doesn't make me miss highschool. Especially cause he did all that and now is living a double life instead of just leaving his wife and family, which wouldn't be great either.

Kat deserves a big ass hug, adults ask teens questions like that because they forgot no teen knows the answer to that question. Hell I've got friends married who don't know the answer to that.

These two are literally just bunny rabbits like god can you stop having sex for 3 secs. Cassie you're not mens object to fulfill their fantasy and the sooner you realize that the sooner you'll learn to cope without it. Ifk talk to Jules maybe she'll wisen both you and Maddy up cause ew.

Of course Cal is watching Fez from afar. "You need to leave"

Rue you're like kind of sober/on less than h right now so maybe we should just stick to that. This is not a proposal this is how you use someone's entire supply and end up getting a fucking arm cut off or a hand for not having their money PLUS interest. Did she not watch the wire in season 1?

This is a dumb ass plan and you are going to get yourself killed, fez killed, or someone else. Ay yi yi.

So much love for Ashtray and his shotty.

Lexi' storyline is so freaking cute but she ig going to burn herself out. Can't wait to see it.

Yes the entire Jacobs family is a bunch of pussy ass bitches.

Exactly Fezco this shit is messy and confusing, Nate is spinning shit left and right.

I do not like that Jules is being lied to by either Elliot or Rue. Also, Rue is only sexual when she's sober which isn't a whole lot. When she's sober sis be out here thinking about Jules and under her covers.

Here goes Elliot spinning shit, this is how you know a straight man is writing this because of course a man comes in between these two. He's into them both but he can only get one of them. Also asexual people have swx with their partners for their partners benefit more often than you'd think. (I said this to a friend I watch with that if they didn't have rue being on fent or heroin we might get an actual semi functional teen throuple. I could just see Jules and Elliot looking at Rue like "oh you're sober righttt"

Also I too have a crush on hunter Schafer cause she's the girl version minus the drugs of every grunge 90s rocker that I wanted to be as a teen when I grew up and wanted on my wall.

In love but they don't ever fucking communicate. For the love of God please fucking talk please.

Ali its time to check the fuck out of Rue. Well Rue you just lost another person in your corner and you will regret it.

Jules is going to connect with Elliot, Rue is going to be in love with drugs even more, Cassie is a fucking idiot, and I hope Lexi' play does super well but I think its going to really fuck up her relationship with her family. I write about my family a lot but I'm not releasing anything until A. I dont live with/around them and B. I change enough that its not defaming to them. Because that's extremely painful and causes wounds that don't heal so easily.

Oh is Leslie talking to....oh.

Rue found a way to get fentanyl, fuck. Yea she's going to have the battle of a life time. I only know a handful of people who are completely sober after having full on fent addictions.

Nates going to see Maddy girl I feel it in my bones. And I was right, he's gonna try to get that tape. Cassie the L taker.

Teaser thoughts: Rue has so much love to give and she's giving it to drugs instead of herself and the people who really love her. And because of that it is just going to push them all away. I just reallywant to hug all my girls so so tight, even Cassie because she is suffering when she doesn't have to.

Just some other thoughts, if sam cuts out Barbie and Hunter that diversity meter is gonna plummet. Proud of Sydney for advocating for herself on not just euphoria sets but her other projects. I think this episode was better than the last and to be honest dont hate me but Cal is more interesting to me than his son. Like I get why and understand Nate is fucked up, he's also really well written, but I am more sympathetic to his father. Which says a lot about Nate being just some pissy kid who needs therapy yes but also likes to torment people for fun. If I put him and Rue on the same level they both fuck up and hurt the people they love but Nate does it because he enjoys that power and control over people. Rue just trying to do what we all want to do escape this fucking cesspool called life. And I think that's so fucking messed up that if it were him as Rue or any other non men characters position people would be saying omg I can fix him, oh wait they already do. -_-

is it possible to be straight in a very bisexual way or am I just in the closet and don't know

well, from my own experience, the way it went was something like this:

- make a lot of jokes about guys (usually fictional) being hot

- have many crushes on guy friends

- say “im straight but can appreciate” for 16 years of my life

- see Spirit Blossom Thresh

- say “oh shit”

- still insist I’m straight

- heterosexuality gradually crumbles under the unceasing onslaught of sexy anime boy League skins (Riot Games knows how to get my money)

- realize im totally bisexual

regardless of your sexuality, the way you express yourself is your own business and it’s totally possible to be “straight with bi vibes” (bi vibes include being incredibly sexy and cool), but heteronormativity is a hell of a drug and it’s very possible to go a long-ass time without realizing you’re not straight.

Regardless of what your identity winds up being, have fun figuring it out! It’s a funky lil adventure!

heteronormativity is one hell of a drug

came across and watched an episode of the Owl House with my mother where Amity and Luz were all blushy around each other and when my mother asked about something later she called Luz "he"

Wow.

Also. It's so weird how they only really incorporated both parents' looks into Chocho and Shikadai... mostly Chocho, Shikadai is bare minimum because of his eyes. Chocho is a nice mix of her parents.

Burrito and Himawima look strickly like ShittyBoruto!Naruto. No further explanation needed on Burrito's similarities to him. But Himawima, her hair color and bangs is merely an illusion to trick ppl into thinking she looks like her mom

Salad only looks like Sasuke

Inojin only looks like Ino, making him the only kid besides Chocho to resemble their fucking mom

Mitsuki is like a clone or something (i don't know I don't watch/read Baruto), so he gets a pass for only looking like snake man.

Metal is a cheat. Just like his predecessor they didn't give a shit about his family and are just continuing the "bowl cut, jumpsuit, eyebrows kid" schtick. So there was never gonna be a woman/mom to compare him to.

Fucking hell. There didn't need to be a sequel series 😂 It's such a disservice and heavy on the "heteronormative/everyone-gets married-and-has-a-kid-at-the-same-time-like-it's-a-fucking-cult". Lee isn't married tho as far as I know. He's just a joke apparently but still needed a kid to assert his heterosexuality 🤣

And I don't know what's going on with Kiba. Man looks like he does and sells drugs. He was shackled to some unimportant NPC looking cat woman. Seriously she has one of the most forgettable and boring designs. And Kiba has a kid to I think??? I saw a gif with him and a small girl? Her hair was fucked up too

every kid in baruto looks oddly like their parents to prove sth idk. maybe they were trynna prove that their very gay parents actually gave birth to them. like. come on just cz baruto looks like a shitty caricature of naruto doesn't mean he is nart's son. naruto is sasukesexual and that's that.

if you could ask dnp any question about their relationship, what would it be? don't worry about it being embarrassing. just something you want answered. for me, i want to know if dan chose university of manchester /because/ of phil and what would they have done if dan didn't get in?? also, whose bed did they (mostly) sleep in in london apartment #1. OH ALSO. for dan specifically, how did dan hide being gay from his family until...2019?? i mean!

Hey bud you sent this literally ages ago I’m so sorry I have the object permanence of a toddler but I’m gonna answer it now! 🤙

Taking out the embarrassment factor is huge because that’s I think all our go to impulse the “oh I would /never/“ but 👀 hmm👀👀 in this hypothetical? I’d love to know when Phil came out to martyn, and (if it was a seperate convo) when he told him about dan. And I’d want to ask Dan to elaborate on the stereo shotgun wedding rattle. Your questions are super good and I want answers to those as well! But for the family question at the end there I will just say that heteronormativity is a hell of a drug. And as someone who had to recloset to live with family for two years, it’s real easy to just Not Rock The Boat and 🤐 “easy” here meaning easier than coming out, of course. If the people around you don’t wanna talk and you never bring it up, they’ll forget every queer cue right in front of their face

Here’s to 2022 having more of that catboy sex dungeon energy, thanks anon! ✨

Wait what? "Milevens who think 'crazy together' is about their ship" how??? Did I miss something here? How are people claiming 'crazy together' is about mileven?

Heteronormativity is 1 hell of a  drug. 😂

They even claim the shed scene where Mike says- asking Will to be his friend was the ‘best thing’ he’s ever done - was secretly about mileven. Cause if Will never went missing Mike never would have met her . I’m dead serious they say that. Lol ignore the fact that when max brings up El right before this he says “what?” Confused she was brought up. And says she’s dead “just like Bob”.  In that scene, his mind was on Will (who he knew since kindergarten)  not El (who he knew for 4 days). Mike goes into vivid detail about their first meeting - it had nothing to do with El (but Mike and Will’s relationship). You don’t have to ship byler romantically to see that. Also... do I have to even explain why mileven’s headcanon is insulting AF to the trauma Will had to endure 😂

Meddling

A/N: I’m back with some Wanda because I really love her. 

Genre: fluff, stupidity

Warning: maybe a little swearing?

Word count: 1700

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x fem reader

Summary: You’re pining and Nat and Clint decide to meddle. 

Masterlist

You zone out again. You’re looking at her again. You snap out of it before anyone notices, you hope. 

This keeps happening. You get bored in a meeting or you lose focus while reading, and every time you come back to reality, your eyes are on her. You don’t think anyone has noticed yet, because no one would miss the opportunity to tease you. But maybe no one thinks anything of it; heteronormativity is a hell of a drug, after all.

You’re pretty sure you’ve managed this whole time without anyone noticing the way your eyes linger on her, and then Clint pulls you aside one night after dinner.

“So, Wanda, huh?” You want to be shocked that he begins the conversation completely tactlessly, but you’re too busy drawing on any and all of your training to avoid the conversation.

“I don’t know what you mean,” you respond, face blank. Unfortunately for you, his training was longer and better than yours.

“C’mon, kiddo. Everyone else might be blind, including her, but you stare at her constantly.” Knowing you don’t have a shot in hell at deceiving him, your shoulders deflate and warmth rises in your face. “If it’s any consolation, I think you’ve got a shot.”

You raise a skeptical eyebrow at him. “What makes you say that?”

“Just a hunch,” he says, smirking and walking away. You’re confused and baffled that he doesn’t press you further or even make an attempt to mock you. It almost makes it worse somehow.

--

Clint doesn’t bring it up again anytime soon, and the rest of the team still seem none the wiser. Of course a spy can keep a secret, but you also know the man to be less mature than an eleven year-old. The fact that he noticed though has you nervous, catching yourself before you can stare too long or sometimes even leaving the room she’s in when you feel spacey. 

The issue is mostly that you’re the two youngest, besides Peter, so you tend to stick together. You have movie nights in your room, you go out for breakfast together sometimes, and you talk to each other all the time. And of course, none of this is the actual issue. The actual issue is that because of this, she notices when things change. She shows up at your door for movie night, dressed in pajamas and looking ready to relax, but she looks troubled. When you ask about it, you kind of wish you hadn’t.

“It’s nothing really it’s just… I feel like you’ve been avoiding me.” The surprise must register on your face because she continues before you can respond. “I don’t know what I did, but you leave the room sometimes when I walk in, and I feel like we don’t hang out as much.” 

You feel terrible that she thinks it’s her fault somehow, but how do you tell her that it isn’t. ‘Oh yeah, don’t worry about it, I’m just worried you and everyone else will figure out that I’m practically in love with you.’ Not likely. Finally, you settle on, “You haven’t done anything, I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I’ve just been a little distracted lately.” Not a complete lie, just not really the truth.

“Are you sure? We’re okay?” She sounds so hopeful, so worried about your friendship, that it makes you feel guilty for even letting the thought pass through your mind of ruining that by searching for more. All you can do is shoot her a smile and tug her onto the bed beside you, nodding and turning to select a movie. 

-- 

You’re wandering through the halls of the compound, half the team off on mission. Unfortunately for you, Natasha is not one of those people. Unfortunate only because she nearly scares you to death as she walks up from behind and begins speaking before you even notice her presence. 

“I didn’t know you were into women.” You jump half a foot in the air and let out a shrill shriek as you spin quickly to face her. 

“What?” you ask before you even have time to process what she said to you. She just watches you as her statement sinks in. You know denial is futile, but you don’t feel like straight up agreeing with her, as you knew that she often said things just to observe a reaction. In a moment of admitted stupidity, you don’t respond to her statement at all and simply attempt to walk away.

Of course that doesn’t stop her and she grabs your arm gently to stop you from escaping. “I’m not asking you to profess your love for her, I was simply observing something interesting. Besides, did you really think Clint was the only one who figured it out?” She looks unimpressed, but you hardly notice at your attempts to hide your panic. Did everyone see it? Were they all just ignoring it to not hurt your feelings? Did it make some of them uncomfortable?

Obviously she sees what you so horribly failed to hide and you see her expression soften. She has this habit of mothering you, even if you aren’t much younger than her, but it felt nice sometimes. This is not really one of those times. “Sweetie, you’re not so obvious that the rest of the idiots in this building will notice, if that’s what you’re worried about. And if you’re worried about them not being supportive, you ought to know better than that.” You can’t help but nod at that. These people are your family, of course they would be accepting. “And if you’re worried that she’s noticed, she hasn’t. I really think you should tell her though.” Your eyes widen comically.

“Why on earth would I do that?” 

“Because you like her and you won’t know if she likes you unless you do something about it.” Her response is matter-of-fact, but that does nothing to convince you. 

“Doing something about it could ruin one of the best things in my life. I’d rather stay friends forever and stare at her from a distance than risk friendship for some feelings.” Nat doesn’t seem satisfied with your response but doesn’t push any further. 

--

Two weeks went by filled with longing gazes from you and unimpressed looks from Clint and Nat. You were resolute in your decision to do nothing about it. Besides, if it is in any way mutual, she can make a move just as well as you. 

You’ve finally stopped worrying about Clint and Nat when Nat asks you to meet her in a conference room. You have no idea what for, but figure it best not to argue with her. When you walk into the room, the only one inside is Wanda. The door closes behind you, and you hear the tell-tale click of a lock. You look to her again, only to see your own confusion mirrored in her face. After a moment of thinking you realize what Nat and Clint are doing and panic sets in. You’re almost positive that they’ve locked you in here together to force you to do something about your pining. You pull out your phone to see a message from Clint that confirms it, only to see Wanda check her phone as well. 

You let out a breath and sit down across from her at the table. She finally breaks the silence, which is uncommonly awkward. “Do you know what’s going on?”

“Sorry it’s my fault. Well, it’s not my fault, it’s theirs. But it’s because of me, I guess.” Your response does little to clear things up, as even you confuse yourself. You huff out a sigh to settle yourself before speaking again. Might as well rip it off like a bandage so at least you can both escape this room sooner rather than later. 

“I like you,” you say quickly, your eyes tightly closed and your entire body tensed. 

“You- What?” She sounds just as confused as you would be in this situation. 

“I like you, and they figured it out and locked us in here so I would tell you. And now I’ve told you so they should let us out.” You still don’t look at her as you speak. You continue to stare at the table until the silence stretches on for too long, and you have to look at her. She looks confused still, but it’s different than what you expected. 

Suddenly, a small smile appears on her face and lights up the small room, even as it has you staring in befuddlement. 

“You like me?” All you can do is give a meek nod as she lets out what sounds like a disbelieving laugh.

“I thought they locked us in here because of me...” she then softly tacks on, “for the same reason.”

Understanding dawns on your face as you join her in laughing. “So what you’re saying is that they both knew and were tired of us doing nothing.” You’re still red from embarrassment, but you can feel the lightness of knowing your feelings aren’t one-sided. It fills you like a drug and you keep looking over her smile and similar blush to reaffirm it. 

In a moment of confidence, you reach across the table for her hand. You’ve held hands with her before, but this is different and you can both feel it. You rub your thumb gently across her knuckles before speaking. “How would you feel about going out tonight instead of movie night?”

“I would love that.”

-- 

When you come back from your date that night, you walk her to her door and press a sweet goodnight kiss to her cheek before walking in the direction of your room, a stupid smile on your face. Clint intercepts you on the way, only to say, “Great job, kiddo,” with two thumbs up and a grin. You lightly swat his arm but can’t wipe the joy off your face as you walk away from him. 

i would leave me if i could

I do not know what shocks me more: her bald hairstyle or her ability to create awesome music. Either way, this Grammy-nominated pop singer has been a recent obsession of mine as she shed light into my life with her God-blessed album. Ashley Frangipane, or more commonly known as Halsey has been an artists I have been looking into recently, and the more I learn, the more I expect.

Halsey is originally from Edison, New Jersey (WOOO) but she traveled a long way from her hometown in order to start her music career. Born to middle-class blue collar parents, Halsey felt stuck most of her adolescent life in an endless expectation to follow a normal route to survival like her parents. Throughout her childhood, Frangipane's family moved frequently, as her parents worked many jobs. 

By the time she reached her teen years, she had enrolled in six schools. In high school, she endured bullying by other students, and at 17 she attempted suicide, which led to a 17-day hospitalization. Following this, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Before she knew it, she started using recreational drugs, moved in with her “degenerate stoner” friends on Halsey Street in New York, and began to write music. The rest was history. Just kidding.

Life was tough for Halsey as she even considered prostitution at one time when stated “I remember one time I had $9 in my bank account, and bought a four-pack of Red Bull and used it to stay up overnight over the course of two or three days, because it was less dangerous to not sleep than it was to sleep somewhere random and maybe get raped or kidnapped." She described music as a “confessional therapy” in which she used her music to get her through the difficult times during her life.

The release of her first studio album, Badlands,  was a metaphor of her mental state when she was only 19 years old. Every song meant something different for her and the cultivation of that album sculpted Halsey’s image for the first time in modern media.  

Halsey’s big breakthrough into mainstream pop music was definitely her collaboration with the Chainsmokers on Closer. Although I’m not the biggest fan of this song in particular, I think this song finally gave Halsey the power to do whatever hell she wanted with her music because people finally took her for what she is: brilliant. Here are 3 of my favorite highlights of her career so far:

1. Of course we can’t leave out her mega-hit, “Without Me”, which took an interesting take on some of Halsey’s more public relationships, but I honestly love her boss vibes in the song in which she candidly talks about the complexity of mixing fame, love, and power within relationships. She basically says “I’m the reason you are big now, but it’s my own fault for loving you”. Check out her MV below: 

2. Her collaborations 

When released with BTS on the iconic single, Boy With Luv, which was a huge dream success for both BTS fans and Halsey fans (even better for a fan of both like me). She is well known to be an awesome friend of the band and is known to be one of the few American artists to take BTS for they are: musicians. Another personal favorite of mine is the song, Eastside ft Khalid and Halsey, produced by Benny Blanco. The song is just what Halsey fans needed when it comes to her collaborations: perfection. 

3. Manic

I’ve been waiting to rant about this album. But I’ll keep it short. This album is inspired by the struggles Halsey faced with being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She makes TONS of social commentary in her songs but my favorite has to be the stuff she says about heteronormative hostility. All 16 tracks are super different from one another but they all connect to created Halsey’s identity from the moment she realized she was different. She described herself as an “unconventional child” and I think that describes this album the best in all its parts. Unconventional. It’s unconventional for people to think that someone like Halsey struggles with the things she does. 

The album explores more contemporary, and rock-ish vibes with some killer collaborations as well. Some of my personal favorites are killing boys, Graveyard, and I’m Not Mad. Pitchfork explains “For Halsey, autobiography offers opportunity; her ability to translate the arc of her life—schoolyard misfit turned aspiring bohème turned Tumblr micro-celebrity turned misunderstood pop star—is among the qualities upon which she has established her career. She does well in framing some of those personal experiences as concepts..’ Check out the full review here! Also, check my favorite live performance of Graveyard:

Overall, Halsey holds a special place in my heart because she reminds me that things are bigger than ourselves. I see her more of an artist than a musician at times due to the amount of work she puts into crafting not only her sound, but the visual design as well. Halsey has a way of making her live performances speak more than the songs themselves at times. I think that is the beauty of her music: it has dimensions. I can only expect more from her moving forward because she keeps adding more every single time. Being bipolar, dirt poor, and alone actually fueled one the greatest female artists of my times. I’m so lucky to be alive during the era of Halsey. God bless.

***ALSO CHECK OUT HER NEW BOOK RELEASED THIS WEEK CALLED: I Would Leave Me If I Could

Heterosexual Fiction

The straights have had it too easy for far too long.

How many times have you been reading a book and there’s a female protagonist and a male lead and way too early we find out that these characters have fallen in love and we’re just like “WTF, when? Why? Did I miss it? Why are they kissing?”

The answer is far too goddamn many.

There is only telling and no showing. These people have had two (2) interactions and already they’re “No one makes me laugh like you” and “I like you too much” and it’s like WHY?!?!?! What could possibly make you feel this way? You barely know this person!

I know this is not just a symptom of heterosexuality but I feel like it’s more present in heterosexual fic because heteronormativity is a HELL of a drug.

Gays always felt like they needed to justify why they were together. They needed to prove it was right for the boy to end up with the boy or the girl to end up with the girl since it Wasn’t Normal so we end up with these detailed and thoughtful build-ups to the relationship that really speak to the audience.

The straights are lazy. Like Saint Avril once said: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

YES! WE NEED MORE THAN THAT! AS AN AUDIENCE WE DESERVE MORE THAN THAT!

You can’t just DECIDE they like each other and expect your audience to believe it. We need to be convinced. We need to be wooed at least as much as your protagonist does, if not more.That doesn’t mean WE have to like the love interest but we hast least have to believe the main character does. And too many heterosexual books simply do not do the leg work to get me there. They expect me to see this inoffensive white lead lady and this grab-bag of ‘desirable’ tropes for a man and accept that they’re a couple. Well I don’t! Do better!

I’m not saying you have to go super slowly: not everyone is going to be Percy and Annabeth from the Percy Jackson series and honestly don’t even bother trying to be them. But you havr to give me SOMETHING. 

The first ten minutes of UP is a master-class in showing not telling an epic love story in basically no time at all.

NIck & Nora’s Infinite Playlist has the two leads kiss before they even exchange two sentences and I believe it immediately.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Chef’s Kiss.

IT CAN BE DONE! You can very simply have your characters have instant chemistry and speedrun into a relationship. It just takes WORK. And these straight writers are not putting in the work.

It’s exhausting.

For Buddie First Kiss Week: Day One. Pride for me right now is going to be pushed back for another month, so I’m glad that I could write a little about our boys enjoying it!

Prompt: Related to Pride

           Buck had gone to Pride every year since he’d moved to L.A. His first year, he’d gone alone since he’d only just started at the 118 and wasn’t sure about being out at his job just yet, especially since everyone seemed pretty set in their opinion that Buck only chased after women for his hookups. Heteronormativity was a hell of a drug. After he’d tipsily come out during one of their infrequent team nights out after a shift, and once the time rolled around, Hen asked Buck if he wanted to come with her and Karen to Pride. Buck had felt a smile tugging at his cheeks and he’d agreed. They’d both acted a little bit like Buck’s older sisters- making him miss Maddie with a sharpness that he hadn’t felt since right after she’d left to move in with Doug- and they’d made a deal to go together every year. Which they had, Michael having joined them in the past couple years, and for Buck it was really good to have people there that he knew had his back.

           But this year was different.

           Hen was working so hard on studying for her MCATs that Buck knew it had most likely slipped her mind completely since she hadn’t brought it up. And he wasn’t upset. He was excited for Hen to be doing what she was so obviously perfect for. So, he hadn’t brought it up to her even though it was just a handful of days away.

           Buck was debating with himself if he should still go or if he should just ask Bobby for an extra shift that day- granted, some firefighters were on standby at Pride just in case there was an emergency so he could volunteer for that- when Eddie came into the locker room.

           “Hey,” Eddie said and moved to open up his locker so he could start changing into his uniform. Buck’s eyes flickered over Eddie like they sometimes- normally- did whenever the other was changing into his uniform. His neck felt hot and he turned his eyes back towards the inside of his locker.

           “Hey,” Buck responded and he knew that he sounded distracted.

           “Everything okay? You seemed to be in your head when I walked in,” Eddie said and leaned back against the lockers as he buttoned up his shirt, tilting his head a little to fish for Buck’s gaze.

           “Yeah. Just thinking about this weekend,” Buck said and finished tucking in his shirt.

           “Big plans?” Eddie asked with a teasing grin that had Buck rolling his eyes as he closed his locker.

           “Not exactly,” Buck said and sat down on the bench to tighten the laces of his boots.

           The grin faltered a little at Buck’s tone. “What’s going on, man?” Eddie asked and sat down next to Buck, their shoulders brushing as they always did when the two of them sat next to each other.

           “It’s… dumb,” Buck said and shrugged as he plucked at the string of his boot. Eddie’s slight frown only seemed to deepen and he knocked their knees together to prompt Buck to keep going. “Pride is this weekend and I usually go with Hen, but since she’s busy with her MCATs-” Buck shrugged.

           Eddie hummed and then he bumped against Buck’s side playfully. “Why don’t I come with you?” Eddie offered easily. Buck’s heart kicked up in his chest and he glanced over at Eddie with a raised eyebrow. Eddie had been fairly open with the team about his own bisexuality not long after Shannon’s death, but Eddie was overall a private guy. This would be- in Buck’s mind- a major concession to Eddie’s comfort.

           “You don’t have to, Eddie,” Buck said and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

           “I know,” Eddie said and stood up. “But I’m offering, Buck. If it means that much to you- and it obviously does- then I’ll go with you. Though, I’m telling you right now that I’m not putting on any hot pink shorts or body paint.” He narrowed his eyes at Buck jokingly, a grin breaking out across his face- making Buck marvel at how handsome Eddie was- as he tucked his hands into his pockets.

           “Well, damn,” Buck said with a joking grin. “There goes my plans for your outfit.” Eddie snorted as Buck stood and they made their way up to the loft to grab a cup of coffee before the start of shift.

…..

           Buck had spent the night before over at the Diaz house, Eddie insisting that it would just be easier on the both of them and that they could get ready together, and he could admit to feeling a funny sense of home when Christopher came into the spare bedroom and loudly scrambled up into bed to- accidentally- knee Buck in the stomach in the guise of waking him up. “Buck, Dad said you had to get up,” Christopher said before flopping across Buck’s chest.

           “I am up,” Buck said, though he sounded a little winded since Chris had some sharp knees, as he combed his fingers through Christopher’s hair.

           “No,” Christopher laughed a little and pressed his face against the side of Buck’s neck. “Up-up. Not just awake,” Christopher said and poked at Buck’s ribs. Buck snorted a little before nodding.

           “Oh, okay. Got it,” Buck said teasingly and he laughed when Christopher lifted his head to wrinkle his nose at Buck’s tone.

           “I sent you to get Buck out of bed, not pin him down in it,” Eddie said from the doorway and Buck turned his head to look at where Eddie was shaking his head fondly.

           “Buck can get up if he wants to. He’s pretty strong and I’m not that heavy,” Christopher pointed out and rolled his eyes a little at the two of them.

           “Let’s not test that theory. Come on, kid. You’ve still got to pack your stuff for your sleepover at Abuela’s,” Eddie said and gave Christopher a look. Christopher shuffled to the edge of the bed and Buck sat up, stretching his arms and his back before ruffling Chris’s hair and getting out of bed. Christopher laughed a little before he went about what Eddie had told him to do.

           Eddie crossed his arms over his chest and there was a small smile on his face as Buck moved to dig in his duffle bag that he’d brought with him. “I got you something. You don’t have to wear it today, but I figured if you didn’t have any other ideas- and before you ask, there’s no hot pink involved,” Buck teased before tossing Eddie the shirt once he’d found it. It was a white t-shirt with the L.A. skyline across the best in black with Los Angeles in blocky letters right under it. Across the back right over the shoulders was PRIDE in varied colors.

           “Alright,” Eddie said and settled the shirt over his shoulder like he did with the dishtowel whenever they were cleaning up after one of their game or movie nights. “Thanks, Buck.”

           Buck felt something warm settle in his stomach and he just nodded mutely.

           They all three had a quick breakfast of cereal and coffee- milk for Christopher- before going about getting dressed and ready for the day. Buck pulled his own L.A. pride t-shirt on before shimmying into his best pair of jeans. They were just on the right side of tight and they were pretty worn and comfortable. Buck cuffed his jeans before tying on his bandana to help keep himself cool and slipping on his socks and shoes. He looked at the face paint in his bathroom bag before blowing out a breath. Eddie wasn’t going to make fun of him, he had to keep reminding himself of that. He painted the bi flag onto his cheek, a grin pulling at his mouth and making it tough to make sure his lines weren’t all smudged. He tossed the little brush back into his bag after rinsing the paint off.

           He stepped out and Eddie was fastening his watch on in the hall as he wandered down towards where Buck had been getting ready. Buck’s mouth went a little dry. The shirt fit Eddie perfectly in all the best places and Buck’s heart thudded against his chest uncomfortably as he took the other in. “All set?” Eddie asked and lifted his head from his watch band. His eyes flickered over Buck and for a moment Buck thought he saw something hot burn in Eddie’s hazel eyes. But it was there and gone so quickly that it must have been wishful thinking on Buck’s part.

           “Yeah,” Buck said and gave Eddie an easy smile despite the way the nerves had settled into his stomach. He always felt like this a little bit whenever he went to a Pride event or something associated with his sexuality- it was leftover from his teenaged years of having to cram everything down. “Let’s go.”

           “Uh, wait,” Eddie said and touched Buck’s wrist. Buck felt a spike of worry that Eddie had changed his mind and that he didn’t want to do this with Buck anymore. “Could I- uh- I mean if you don’t mind…” Eddie pointed at his own cheek awkwardly before nodding in Buck’s direction. After a moment it clicked, Eddie wanted Buck to paint his face too.

           “Yeah, Eddie,” Buck said and slipped his hand into Eddie’s easily from where the other still had a gentle grip on his wrist. He tugged Eddie into the bathroom and had him lean back against the counter as he dug around for the brush and the face paints. Buck stepped into Eddie’s space, and held the other’s chin with one had as he focused on making sure that Eddie’s came out perfect.

           “What’re you doing?” Christopher asked and Buck turned to look over at where he was standing in the doorway with a curious tilt to his head.

           “I’m painting your dad’s face so me and him will match,” Buck said and pointed to the colors on his own cheek since he only had blue and was working on the purple on Eddie’s cheek.

           “What’s it mean?” Christopher asked and Buck looked to Eddie.

           “It means that Buck and I are bisexual,” Eddie said and held out his hand for Christopher without moving his head so Buck could keep going with the face paint. Christopher leaned into Eddie’s side. “The blue stands for liking the opposite gender, the pink- which Buck hasn’t got to yet- is for liking the same gender, and the purple is for both,” Eddie explained and Buck couldn’t help but smile a little.

           “Oh,” Christopher said, sounding like he was in thought. “Okay.” He shrugged and kept watching as Buck changed to pink and finished up with Eddie’s face. “I think it’s pretty, and Buck did a good job.”

           Eddie twisted so he could look and grinned a little, his eyes flicking over to Buck’s in the mirror. “He did.” Eddie turned around and patted Christopher’s back easily. “Alright, kid. Let’s get you to Abuela’s.”

           “Can’t Buck paint my face too?” Christopher asked with just a little bit of a whine in his voice.

           “How about I make you a deal?” Eddie offered and tapped his fingers against Christopher’s shoulder. “If you’re good for Abuela, and if Buck wants to, he can paint your face when we get back.”

           “Deal,” Christopher said with a bright smile.

           “Alright. Now go get your shoes while me and Buck finish up.” Eddie watched Christopher go and they lingered a little in each other’s space while Buck put his stuff away. “Thanks,” Eddie said quietly and rubbed at the corner of his eye with his thumb.

           “Any time, Eds,” Buck said and bumped their shoulders together before nodding. “Let’s go.” Eddie nodded and ducked his head, but not quick enough that Buck couldn’t catch a glimpse of one of Eddie’s rare bright smiles that resembled Christopher’s.

           They dropped Christopher off at Abuela’s- Buck staying in the car with a slightly uneasy feeling in his stomach. Eddie talked with Abuela for a moment, and then she was touching Eddie’s forehead, chest, and then either shoulder in quick succession before kissing him on his unpainted cheek. She glanced over at the truck, said something to Eddie with a look that Buck didn’t recognize, before she was raising her voice. “Evan, what are you still doing in Eddito’s truck?!” Buck stiffened a little but he hopped out of Eddie’s truck and made his way over to where Abuela and Eddie were standing. “¿Te ibas a ir sin saludarme? You know that I love seeing all of my boys.” Abuela gave him the same soft smile that she normally did on the times that Buck came and picked up Christopher from her house. It helped to ease some of the unease in his gut. “Ven aqui, mi amor.” Buck felt the tension bleed out of him as Abuela pulled him into a tight hug. She repeated the motions from earlier, murmuring softly in Spanish too quick and quiet for Buck to understand, before kissing Buck on the cheek as well. “Alright, now go have fun and be safe.”

           “We will,” Eddie said before throwing an arm around Buck’s shoulders easily and tugging Buck towards the truck. It wasn’t until they were driving again that it clicked for Buck: Abuela had blessed him. He had known that it was a pretty common occurrence for Abuela to do so when Eddie dropped Christopher off occasionally before he went to work, Eddie had teasingly laughed that she worried too much but Buck could tell how touched Eddie was that his grandmother cared so much. Buck quirked a little smile and felt a lump forming in his throat at the little gesture.

           When they were parked, Buck and Eddie hopped out of the truck with Eddie reaching into the back to grab a bag that he’d packed with things they might need: waters, sunscreen, and a small first aid kit just in case. Buck watched as Eddie swung in onto his shoulder and then gave Buck a small smile. Buck returned it as best he could with his nerves ratcheting up to an eleven.

           They walked around for a bit and Buck started to relax as they listened to the music that seemed to fill up the entire park. They stopped at a few booths here and there whenever it caught either of their interest- and they made sure to stop at the LAFD booth to see if there were any familiar faces, which there weren’t when they passed by- but it was mostly just them hanging out together as they walked.

           There was only a slight problem when they ran into a cluster of protestors like the ones from the call at the military funeral. Eddie went stiff as could be and Buck put a hand to the small of his back to try and steer him away before any of the idiotic people were stupid enough to say anything to him.

           “Assholes,” Eddie muttered under his breath as they went to find a place to sit for a bit after grabbing lunch from the food trucks. “They’re only here to try and start shit with people.”

           “I know,” Buck said and they found a patch of grass where they could stretch their legs out and just relax for a bit. “You should have been here the first time that someone started to start shit with Hen in earshot,” Buck said with a laugh as he unwrapped his sandwich and shook his head. “She got all up in this huge guy’s face and absolutely shredded apart everything they said about me and then when they tried to start in on her and Karen, I had to pull her away before she landed her ass in jail. Don’t think Athena would have appreciated a call from either of us.” Buck pulled a face at that before taking a bite of his sandwich. Athena had still been pretty skeptical of Buck at that point, but it had been nice to have Hen stick up for him when they hadn’t really known each other that well yet.

           Eddie snorted and broke out into an easy grin. “I would have paid money to see that. Maybe next year,” Eddie said and he dropped it so casually, but he gave Buck an almost shy look as he said it.

           Buck’s heart kicked up in his chest and he cracked a small smile. “That was real smooth there, Diaz,” Buck joked and he bumped Eddie’s ankle with his own.

           “Thank you, I really tried,” Eddie said and pressed their legs together easily. He opened his mouth as if to say something but then he closed it and looked away. Buck didn’t push. He knew that whatever it was, Eddie would tell him whenever he was ready to say. They finished up their lunches, put on some more sunscreen, and then walked around for a bit longer.

           They found where the music was coming from, an amphitheater with a rotation of performers, and hung out there for a bit. Buck didn’t really know how- and in all honesty, he didn’t really care how- but he ended up dancing around to the music with Eddie, and he leaned into Eddie’s chest easily as they both laughed breathlessly. There was a moment, a spark, and then Eddie was leaning in and kissing him softly. Buck was surprised but when he didn’t immediately kiss back, Eddie pulled away with an embarrassed grimace. “I’m sorry, Buck. I didn’t-” He made a noise as Buck leaned in to kiss him to fend off any apologies.

           Buck clung onto the front of Eddie’s shirt and Eddie’s hands pressed warmly into Buck’s waist as they kissed. It didn’t feel like a first kiss with how easily they fell into it, but Buck felt his stomach swoop anyways. Buck couldn’t help the huge grin on his face as he pulled away from Eddie, not really moving out of Eddie’s space. “Took you long enough,” Buck joked and Eddie let out a laugh, holding onto Buck’s waist just a little tighter.

           “Well, I was just looking for the right moment,” Eddie said back as he stroked his thumb over Buck’s waist.

           “I think you found it,” Buck said and ducked in for another quick peck because he couldn’t help himself and because he finally could.

Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

so basically here’s a script of “Basically I’m gay” by Daniel Howell, if someone needs it

link to a google doc

Hello Internet.

«Sex! Secrecy! And a whole lot of internal screaming. Starring Daniel Howell. One of the greatest mysteries of our generation. What is Dan’s sexuality?»

Spoiler alert. I’m not straight. Sex, the foundation of life and the only thing we’re really supposed to do. Everyone’s obsessed with it. You bunch of degenerates. In the list of things that identify a person, one of the most important for other people to know is their sexuality. For, if sex is the primal force propelling all of these humans forward by their hips, they have to know. Are we gonna fuck? Or like could we? Or are you, ‘cause I’m just wondering. Now, we live in a heteronormative world, which is a long scary word that makes people feel attacked for some reason. Shh it’s okay.

What it means is people are presumed to be straight. If you’re not, then at some point, you have to “come out”, which is a whole thing. Or people might just try and guess based on something you do or the way you act, because yay stereotypes. So this is something you have to be clear on, because if you’re not, how are all these other people that aren’t you going to cope? But I’m pretty sure no one that knows me thinks I’m straight. So I don’t really need to come out as much as just clarify what the hell is going on. As here I am at age 27 and my sexual preference is seemingly still a vague, debatable, confusing, impenetrable mystery. But why? And what is it? Well, those are some big questions. Are you sure you wanna know my answers?

[YES]

Okay, well, if you say so 'cause this is a complicated and sensitive issue and when it comes to me, boy, there is a lot to unpack here and it is a total clusterfuck. So strap yourselves in and let me tell you a queer little story about a boy named Dan.

Chapter 1 – The Word

♪ When I was a young boy ♪

♪ My father ♪

Didn’t have much time for me because my conception was clearly an accident and he was a narcissistic proud man suddenly inconvenienced in the prime of his life and this emotional neglect gave me lasting problems.

Sorry that’s not all relevant right now.

I was an only child for seven years and with working parents. This meant I had to make my own fun so I was imaginative  and loud which is something that my teachers used to say quite a lot followed by, “However.” Here I am age five. Look at me. Cute, poised, sassy, turning out this photo shoot like sorry, Grandma, I stunted on this set. Are you seeing this? In almost every way, I literally peaked age five. I loved being the center of attention. People said I had an infectious happiness, that my beaming smile brought them hope and joy. People that know me are laughing right now. But a boy, in the '90s being happy and generally polite acting? Sounds kinda GAY if you ask me. Literally, masculinity was so fragile, people were so proud and scared and society so aggressive that a boy smiling!?.. appearing to be empathetic or in any way emoting was seen as a threat. How dare they laugh and feel comfortable? They must be soft and weak and girly and GAY. So basically thanks, Grandma, for raising me to be a nice child, you dick. Just kidding. That’s a joke and I told you not to watch this video because it would be rude so if you send me a disappointed text telling me you’re offended, I don’t know what to tell you. Although, now I think about it, you did make me go to church for 10 years, which in hindsight probably also didn’t help ♪ Hallelujah ♪ the issue here so. But then it was time for little Dan to go to school and this is when it  

♪ All went wrong ♪

'Cause it turns out most children, evil pieces of shit. Doesn’t matter if you try to raise a happy innocent child, throw that kid into school, aka, a literal Mad Max Battle Royale with the feral offspring of your local community. Yeah, that crap’ll be undone in about two weeks. I was six years old running around the playground pretending to be Sonic the Hedgehog or something when two brothers come up to me aged seven and eight with an unexplained aggressive look in their eye. And the younger one pushes me to the ground, kicks me in the stomach, and just says, “GAY.”

This was the first time I ever heard that word. Well, I don’t know what the heck gay means but apparently it means people kick you on the floor so that ain’t good. I didn’t know this child or give them any cause to have an opinion on me. And, actually, I never directly interacted with them again. What epic clustershit of failed parenting and general culture brought this tiny child to get angry and attack someone, then call them gay for looking like they were having fun outside. Are you okay, 1990s? And so my relationship with sexuality began.

I wasn’t looking to define myself as a child indiscriminately playing doctors and nurses with various friends until once somebody’s mum walked into a room to find three fully naked children sat on a bed sticking sellotape to each other’s butts. Yep, which I don’t recommend. Also, Jesus Christ, the poor woman that saw that. Then you get to the magic age around 10 or 11 where everybody suddenly wants to pretend they’re totally a “cool teenager” who’s doing all the drugs and the sex and the fights, totally. Boy, gay was a really popular word back then.

[[Boy] Uh, homework is gay. [Girl] Uh, my mum’s so gay. [Boy] Uh, you touched a girl, gay.]

This one little shit who I won’t name was one of the school bullies and he loved the word gay. He had it in for me and I have no idea why. You know me, Mr. Winnie the Pooh Meets Slender Man. Well, when I was 10 just Winnie the Pooh. I didn’t do nothin’ to no one ever and yet this guy used my pacifism as a punching bag where any group situation was an excuse to single me out call me gay for some reason and then make everyone else exclude me because they were scared of him. I had a girlfriend. We dated for six whole weeks. We kissed in a game of spin the bottle once by literally sucking on each other’s faces. Then she ended dumping me over speakerphone at a birthday party that everyone in my class but me was invited to but, hey. I don’t know what I was doing wrong, but at this age, I understood one thing. Being gay, whatever that meant, was clearly the worst thing you could be. On a Darwinian level, I was being told, okay bitch, “Survival Code”. Don’t be this apparently. Evolution. Plot twist, this bully I think he was a bit gay because once he asked me to have a sleepover at his house and I thought was me finally getting socially accepted only for him in the middle of the night to come up and ask me, “So who’s going to be the boy and the girl?” I was an innocent smol bean who didn’t really understand what he meant because, to be honest, I didn’t actually understand get how babies were made yet. But needless to say I think he was disappointed. Wow, closeted child turns into homophobic bully. Thanks again society. But this whole primary school journey was really just an amuse-bouche for the full six-course tasting menu of suffering that would be secondary school.

I went to an all-boys school. It was a literal hellscape.  I thought it was hard making it through a school of 200 kids with two or three bullies. Try over a thousand where a clean 800 are fully psychopathic gorillas fueled by testosterone, Red Bull, and Eminem albums. Making sure that the word f- no longer means an innocent bundle of sticks or a cigarette anymore in the British lexicon. Nope, now it was a cool homophobic slur along with gay, gaylord, gayboy, puff, pufter, ponce, batty, batty boy, bum-boy, bender. Shit, this is so long. People have a lot of words for something they don’t wanna think about. Look at me in this stupid blazer. Oh, “you’ll grow into it at some point in the next four years”. Thanks, Mum. Day one, kid in form class, some stupid hedgehog-looking motherfucker side eyes me and says, “What you lookin at, puff?” First interaction at a new school. Great! My entire existence on a daily basis then becomes navigating this school like I’m in the bloody “Maze Runner” trying to avoid aggressive pricks with chode ties. And you know being verbally abused for being a nerd or a Greebo at least felt relevant to me at the time. Greebo, definitely one of my faves there and I’m sure that Korn and Slipknot would have been proud to have 12-year-old me as a fan. I kinda knew who I was in the hierarchy at that point. I was essentially a theater kid who spent all of his free time playing Runescape on the AOL browser on his mum’s PC instead of football. I accepted it. But at least I wasn’t actually this “gay thing” people kept throwing around because by now I understood a gay is a boy who fancies other boys. And to be honest I don’t really feel like I’ve ever fancied anyone before.

Then puberty happened.

Oh yeah, this is fun, tingly feelings, I smell bad. It was quite fun dribbling on this girl’s face playing Truth or Dare, maybe later we’ll go behind that bike sheds and, there I was sat in English class, my friend next to me. I watched as he delicately removes a pencil from its case. We briefly make eye contact as he flutters his long black eyelashes with a blink before staring forward. His eyes are so bright and beautiful yet they seem so sad and deep with emotion. I wish I could just understand. Oh fuck, I think I’m a bit gay. You’re telling me this whole time I actually have been the bad thing that people keep calling me? Shit!

Chapter 2 – Feelings

Oh do you hear it that faint hum, something coming from a deep, dark place too powerful to control? It’s the self-hatred. She is here and she’s only getting started. Short version, I fall hopelessly in love with a friend of mine who doesn’t feel the same way which crushes me into a million tiny pieces and years later actually it turns out he was gay the whole time. He just really specifically didn’t like me. [Double kill.] Here I am, 13, crying to evanescence alone in my bedroom feeling like there’s no point in really being alive as I’m clearly a faulty outcast person that has no place in the world. I stopped going to church with my grandma because I felt like I wasn’t really supposed to be there. Also, by this age, the whole Christianity thing didn’t really make much sense to me. And the adult services were dry AF compared to coloring in a picture of Jesus’s face at Sunday school. So other than the free tea and biscuits they gave away after the sermon, religion didn’t really have much to offer me. Damn, there was some good biscuits though. I miss that. But wait! All is not lost yet. Do you see that? A triumphant, rallying cry of guitars, stripey hoodies, and black hair dye. Emo had arrived! I swear to God, emo is one of the best things that happened to pop culture in the last 20 years. As well as inventing eyeliner and skinny jeans, a new word hit the theater, nerd, goth, band, kid corner that would change my world forever.

Bisexual. You can be normal and gay at the same time and some people think it’s cool? Well, slap a long fingerless glove on my arm and sign me up to Myspace 'cause Mum, I’m bi. It was a good term 'cause it was a catchall for anyone who felt sexually confused or curious that didn’t want to commit to something stronger which is very me. Big commitment issues. Thanks, fam. To be clear, regardless of whatever the 2006 teenagers thoughts and feelings were, being bi is valid and should not be excused away or erased by anyone. Thank you.

From this moment, I was a loud and proud raving bi to my close friends and the strangers on the internet who saw my clearly-labeled sexual preference on my Myspace page. And the emo friends I made at this time were awesome. We just used to hang and make out with each other and listen to music and drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice until we were sick on each other with no judgment. The judgment came several years later looking back at the photos that you can’t delete. So I didn’t need to tell my family or people at school anything. But the thing is with a Myspace page, anyone with an internet connection can read it. And so the rumors started spreading through my neighborhood that Dan Howell was in fact a bisexual. I had a friend in French class who one day, totally unprompted, just turned to me and said, “Hmm, yeah, I thought so. You give off a bi-vibe.” A bi-vi-, what the fuck is a bi-vibe? Great, yeah, nothing to make a 15-year-old feel self-conscious about his behavior like being told he emanates a bisexual aura. What am I supposed to do with that? Sorry that I give off mixed signals. I’m versatile. Turns out it was actually a social upgrade from being called gay all the time 'cause bisexual was a new word that only referred to sexuality so people actually had to decide how they felt about the fact I was attracted to boys. As opposed to gay which as we all understand is synonymous with bad and also implies a general threat, plague, curse/evil force that simply must be destroyed. People at school were actually almost nice to me with curiosity about it and a few of the boys that previously loved to just generically call me gay while throwing a compasses at me or something, now started to low-key flirt with me and some stuff happened. Go figure.

But then I entered the dark ages and no I’m not talking about my hair because I was never actually cool enough to commit to dying it black. As quickly as they arrived into my life, my emo friend group vanished into the night. Like the tip of an eyeliner pencil snapping or the HTML on your intricately-crafted MySpace page falling apart when the host websites of your embedded gifs die, so, too, did my social life. One had to suddenly focus on school, another moved town, two of them just fell out with each other and started hanging out with their old friends again. Well, we don’t all have back up friend groups, Lindsey! I went all in on the emos! You’re telling me I have to go back to sitting in my kitchen playing Runescape now! Thanks a lot. So for a year I literally had no friends. And this is when the bullying at school really stepped its pussy up. The things people used to say offhand to me in a corridor were now said loudly in classrooms where everybody would laugh. People used to sing songs about me being gay on the bus while my fellow nerds sat around me just stared awkwardly out of the window not wanting to get involved. People shouted things out during GCSE exams in front of the whole school and the low key pushing became punches. People used to wait for me after school just to throw things at me. Once a guy put his hand around my throat and pushed my head against a coat peg in the locker room while everyone was watching and just slapped me for five minutes. But I never reacted. I never cried or got angry or fought back 'cause then I’d be giving them what they wanted and I refused to play along. But this way of dealing with things definitely had an impact on my relationship with emotion going into life. I became a total outcast. No one wanted to come near me out of fear that they’d get targeted, too. So no one ever stood up for me. And, you know, I don’t blame them. I just resent them even to this day. No, I’m kidding, I don’t really. I do. No, I don’t. I, hmm. Teachers at the time obviously did nothing. In fact, one of them saw this happening to me and laughed 'cause you know, boys will be boys especially the gay ones that get killed by the other ones, am I right? Ah, classic lad banter. And home. See, keeping this on the topic of sexuality and not economic class, violence, addiction, and health issues, let’s just say some shit was goin’ down. I didn’t think I could ask my family for help or share my feelings about this, mainly due to my dad. Funny guy, kind of a woke hippie who did and said a lot of things I did respect but at the same time used to walk around the house saying how he hoped someone he had a problem with at work would *clears throat* “die of bum cancer.” Yep, so picked the one area to be a bigot that would further traumatize your child. Nice! This experience coming from a childhood hearing the word gay meaninglessly thrown around as an insult at home and school, in music, on TV, to then realizing I am actually kinda gay, to then very specifically being attacked for it was traumatic. The world was clearly telling me if I ever wanted to be accepted by anyone or, in my particular environment, survive, I couldn’t be gay. I was afraid of it, literally homophobic of myself. I am talking Pavlov, sunken place, North Korea-level mind alteration that made me terrified of and repulsed by this part of me. This is called internalized oppression. It’s a real thing and it’s some real shit.

Chapter 3 – Internalized Oppression

From this moment I was no longer advertising myself as bi. No, BRB deleting that Myspace real quick, xD lemme get on that Bebo. “My Chemical Romance”? No, I’m listen to what’s this, N-Dubz? Jesus Christ. I go away for the summer break and come back to school quiet and serious and fully straight. *coughs* I needed me some new friends that were a bit higher up the social ladder, you know what I’m sayin’ for security so I go ahead and join “The Inbetweeners”. Literally this group of friends, the exact middle ground between nerds and desperately wanting to be cool. And oh how desperate we were. The great thing about these friends was they knew loads of girls. So firstly, instant cool points. Secondly, if I date a girl *scoffs* super not gay. The problem with that was it’s not like everyone just forgot everything that’s been said about me and this group of friends, casually homophobic pretty much all the time and also they hung out in places near some even more aggressive and super homophobic peeps. Just full-time Runescape would have been a better in hindsight. I find myself going through the same shit at school but now voluntarily going through it at the weekends from the people that are supposed to be my friends thinking I’m doing the right thing whilst constantly telling myself I’m now totally heterosexual. So I did what many people choose to do at that point and I got a girlfriend. But this is pretty messed up because I really liked this girl. In fact, I loved her as a friend and I was genuinely attracted to her but I was so afraid of sexuality I didn’t even wanna do anything straight in case I had some weird gay panic that I was totally frigid and I led her on. And when she got pissed at me, understandably, for being a terrible boyfriend, I just felt even worse. This was someone who I liked that I was hurting and lying to but I couldn’t leave as then I’d have no armor. Beautiful irony here is having a girlfriend didn’t in any way stop the abuse 'cause remember, gay is a great all-purpose general insult. (Call someone gay today and we’ll throw in a free set of steak knives.) And when these neighborhood teens started heavy drinking and getting into drugs, things suddenly got quite scary as people joked about setting fire to a tent as I slept in it at Reading Festival. Or saying, “You know that notoriously unstable guy? Yeah, he said he’s gonna kill you next Saturday.” Awkward.

This was definitely the lowest point in my life. I just felt totally alone, confused and I deeply hated myself. I used to ask God, in case he was there, to please, just make me straight and everyone stop. But I saw no end, no escape, no way to change the world or who I was. So one evening I thought fuck it and I attempted suicide.

I say attempted, because just before it was too late I thought

“oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what have i done what have i done fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck?”

“what will your grandma think don’t do this to her she tried her best and she loves you”

“your family aren’t total dicks and this will fuck them up can’t you just get over it surely”

“you’re gonna get to the last year of school and give up now really what was the point”

“I heard this is one of the most painful ways to die so not a great choice if I’m being blunt”

Felt kinda bad for a few days otherwise I pretended it never happened and I didn’t tell anyone, until now, literally. Hmm, I know pretty dark right, but hey spoiler things kinda worked out. I mean still gotta lot of issues but here I am. I’m so glad I failed for so many reasons, for the people in my life, for the future I would’ve wasted. The most important being that I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that’s it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we’ve dreamed of. I want anyone that’s ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side. So yeah school age 6 to 18, I’m gonna give that a bad Google review. The thing is I did stand out. I’ve always been a loudmouth, class clown, annoying shit. Since graduating, it turns out half the people I knew were fuckin’ gay. That group of friends I had, all lovely people now. Five of them were gay, five gays! That is statistically irregular. Oh but they flew under the radar. All I’m saying is I wish people just hated me for being annoying and immature. Leave the gays alone!

My light at the end of the tunnel was university. I was gonna get my A levels move to a new town and ghost these bitches. But I took a gap year first to earn some money which was very boring sitting at home and working at ASDA where I was not happy to help. My shift started at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Signed up for a Twitter account to run my mouth off and then bam. “So my name is [Dan].” My YouTube story begins, a new chapter of my life to redefine. So you know what I do? Get a Formspring because nothing gives you that attention feeling like one of those anonymous question and answer websites that are inherently toxic and no one should use. And straight out of the bat bisexual Dan returns. 'Cause hey, just like Myspace, I’m only telling a few people on the internet right now. It’s not like one day I’m gonna get so many followers that random strangers and my family might see it. Wow, I had a lot fun with many different kinds of people in 2009. Let’s just say I got a lot out of my system. Got a couple of things in my system, too. Sorry.

And this is when, through the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. And the relationship we formed at that point was something that I needed in my life. We are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates, not that souls are a real thing that exist. It’s so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with and especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference. And I bet so many people wanna know so much more about that which, honestly, I take as a compliment. But here’s the thing. I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil. I know lots of people these days, thanks to social media, want to share and monetize every aspect of their life and then as soon as something changes suddenly it’s this huge drama because everybody got invested in the story of your life like it’s a soap opera. I don’t want that. I wanna do certain things without an audience. I wanna be spontaneous. I don’t wanna feel afraid to take risks. I want to enjoy totally fucking something up and not have to post a statement about it. And if anyone thinks people really have to share these things about their life, you need to rethink your position. And look, I understand that sex is a fun and interesting thing to talk about. I get it. I am also a disgusting pervert. But the specific minutiae of who I be fuckin’, when, why, where, how long, how, uhh, I mean? Sexuality is a general fact that it can be very useful to know about a person for several reasons, but we can’t force people to disclose that either. We don’t know this person’s life story, what they’ve been through, if they haven’t told people, if they’ll lose their job, if they’re in danger. There are so many reasons someone might not be open about it. We can preach the message that being out is good, but aggressively speculating or trying to out someone is really bad. They might not be gay, in which case we’re just harassing someone and probably stereotyping. And if they are there’s gonna be a reason why they haven’t talked about it. So I don’t wanna see any responses to me finally talking about this like no one is surprised. “Dan we been knew.” Wow, you huge galaxy brain genius. What’s it like walking around with all those brain cells in there working overtime? What, you got like three in there? Don’t lose your balance, mastermind. I haven’t exactly been subtle have I? I’m an awkward, sexually ambiguous nerd. “What the fuck even is your sexuality?” That’s not the point. I’m already dead inside so it doesn’t matter here, but to me if someone’s reaction to a person coming out is just, “yeah, I knew”, they’re showing no empathy towards the issue or that person. They’re just making it about themselves like it was a fun piece of gossip they already knew. All we have to do is listen and be accepting.

So anyway back to the tale. Whilst things were looking up for Dan aged 18, things quickly got messy again. Wow, that beats the emo streak of temporary self-acceptance by like six months, nice. There was a point around 2011 where the relationship with my audience shifted from what felt like direct communication between me and individuals that just saw me as a comedy creator to communities of people that formed to talk about me when I wasn’t there. Which is fine, but for some people it was about getting generally invested in me and my real life which I thought was a bit strange 'cause inevitably like anyone who puts themself out there, some people started to really dig into my private life to find out information about me that I wasn’t ready to share. And this was around the same time that YouTubers finally started to get mainstream recognition in the British press. We had the BBC knocking at our door trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show. From that, Dan and Phil became this entertainment duo that we could have a creative career with. And we love working together, so when all these opportunities came for Dan and Phil, we were really excited but I was also scared as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight and I hadn’t told my family that. None of my old friends knew about this, and what me and Phil had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction. It was no longer a few people on the internet, no big deal. So I just shut down. It felt like I was back at school again, surrounded by threatening people trying to expose me for their entertainment. Most I’m sure just wanted what was best for me and I feel such genuine sadness and am sorry that I couldn’t be closer to and more truthful with the people in my life that were just trying to be nice but I wasn’t ready to deal with it at this time so I had to do something to contain it. I definitely sent some mixed messages. Some were just joking around, others were super defensive that in my panic came across like “I’m now telling everyone I’m totally straight” when all I really meant was “please fuck off and don’t invade my privacy, you creepy stalkers, thank you”. But this experience seriously triggered some PTSD in me and I was back in the dark place. I didn’t want to just disappear from the internet to escape it and throw away this creative hobby that actually started paying rent. Thanks. So I just decided to put anything to do with my sexuality in a box to come back to later as I was still processing my past and I wanted to understand my identity on my own terms and timeline and not just have it hijacked as fuel for people’s sexual fantasies or some headline in an article. And whilst we’re not exactly living in a utopia yet here on YouTube, the general internet culture only five or six years ago was a much less wholesome, progressive place as this little bubble is now. Sure, a lot of people probably would have been supportive, but there was just as much open bigotry and general toxicity 'cause people felt less accountable and it was okay to say certain things 'cause it’s just on the internet and I couldn’t handle that at the time. And, generally, I can handle a lot. I have big hands with a very wide reach for playing piano, you fucking.. get your mind out of the gutter. We can’t ask people to just put their lives on hold to address their sexuality first. If a kid dreams of being a footballer and age 18 gets signed to a club and all their dreams come true but they’re scared to come out because of the insane homophobia in that community, they shouldn’t turn it down. Yes, it’s so important to be truthful about who you are and open and proud in front of the world but it’s our society’s fault that these people are scared to say who they are. So let’s all focus on making it a welcoming place and people will come out when they are ready. So when was I ready? Well, it’s always been on my mind that I need to talk about this at some point. I couldn’t just keep going forward in my life ignoring it, not only just so I can be authentic, which is very important for general existing, but also just letting people know what kind of sexual attention I want from the world. All of it from everyone. God I’m so thirsty. And if anything motivated me, it’s the idea that I can help someone else 'cause that’s basically my whole career, isn’t it, admitting to shit that I’ve been through so you will feel better about yourselves. There we go, you’re welcome. I have a platform and a following of millions of people, many of whom I know have been through exactly what I have. And if I tell my story as painful and flip floppy and flawed as it is, I know it will mean something to someone as every time someone speaks openly about sexuality, it saves lives. I’d never met a single out gay person until I was 18. And if I had, or even just seen better representation in the media, I wouldn’t have felt so totally alone. I wouldn’t even be saying this to you now if it wasn’t for TV shows, musicians, and public figures in the last couple years reinforcing this to me. It doesn’t matter if I was living the life privately as there was still so much confusion about my feelings and fear. But things are better now, on the internet, on TV, in my real life. It’s not perfect but it feels safe enough in this space right now for me to feel confident. So thank you, sincerely, to all the brave people that came before me and to any of you that made this world seem welcoming for me. And instead of procrastinating from this by focusing on work, which was a way for me to insure my own independence and survival in case I was rejected, or just doing things for other people to take my mind off it instead of asserting my own needs, which my therapist keeps telling me is one of my biggest problems. Here I am with a fresh void of time in front of me to fuck up however I want. Now look, we all have different experiences in life. Some of us are lucky, some of us not. It just so happened that the first 18 years of my life were horrendously shit. It failed me. But we get dealt cards from the start, too. If you look at my life, I was born into this world as an able-bodied, white, cis-man in Britain which immediately gives me so much privilege in this current world and I am fully aware of how much harder making it to today could have been for me, which is why we all need to stand up for equality and social justice even if it doesn’t apply to us. No one stood up for me when it mattered the most and that almost cost me everything. So if you see a woman being harassed, a gay being threatened, someone muttering something racist, say something, do something because if you’re still or silent, the victim will just think that you are against them, too. We all have a responsibility.

This tale was just some of the stuff relating to sexuality. We all have a whole sob story if we wanna tell it but I just wanted to explain the journey of how I got to this point and overcame the obstacles that tried to block this path. And now I’ve arrived.

Chapter 4 – Labels

Okay cool story, bro, it’s answer time. What’s your answer. Whaddayalikedafuk? Here’s the thing, you want me to talk candidly about sexuality as if it’s something that I understand? I don’t know what it is, why it is. Turns out no one knows. I’ve been sitting here for years waiting for scientists to just work it out like bleep bloop. [Oh this is why and exactly how it’s different for people. There we go.] Thinking I shouldn’t run off my mouth on the internet in case my theories and opinions on varying gayness get debunked next week. Well, I waited long enough and it didn’t happen. Science, ya fucked up, you let me down. And I fully expect to have to delete this video in two weeks when you find out all the answers suddenly. Thanks a bunch. What makes someone gay or straight or all the things in between? What the ever loving fuck is gender about? This is a mess. Yet people want you to give them a word because that’s how humans communicate with words that have meanings. Which is why our disgusting species is impatient, stupid, and obsessed with labels. And this applies to everything, sexuality, gender, political identity, what obscure genre of synthwave you listen to. People just want a label that represents something they understand so they already know how to feel about you and don’t have to bother thinking. [Oh you’re a feminist well I don’t need to know anything more. Oh you’re a leftist. Oh you’re a K-pop fan but but but but.] If people just want to find a way to disagree with you or dislike you, they can refer to the label and turn off their brains. Hey, what does my label say? Huh. The issue is, especially when we start talking about the writhing mass of confusion and suffering that is sexual and gender identity, the limits of language and specific terminology become a big problem. What does being gay mean? You never thought about a boob once? What does being a man mean? You wanna be an emotionless rock rubbing raw steaks against your biceps? It’s not like humanity is all in agreement right now. I don’t like the stereotypes and drama that come with all this terminology so I’m just not gonna use it. Thing is gender identity isn’t my issue. I feel comfortable with the identity that I’ve had my whole life. Dan, a tol boy from England. But being a man means nothing to me. I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable wearing makeup or a sickening pair of heels, though I can’t even draw in a straight line so that would be a disaster. Also is anyone really comfortable wearing heels? Hmm. Icons of masculinity aren’t really a big part of my life. Might as well call me a fucking formless blob that sounds more relatable. Shout out to all my formless blobs out there, rise up. I don’t have to do anything or be anything and I personally wouldn’t feel offended if I wasn’t referred to as a he. Well, she’s feeling hungry today. Stop fucking judging me, Susan. I’m sad and I’m gonna eat this whole damn cake whether you like it or not. But anyone that has this don’t really care attitude about their gender identity is in a way privileged 'cause some people, especially trans, care a lot about their gender identity and using the correct pronouns which other people should respect. Likewise with sexuality, whilst to me the endlessly increasing list of tribes and flags being flown is a bit daunting and confusing and personally stresses me out 'cause I almost find it constrictive, some people like it. Because if you’re feelings are confusing and then you look at a word that represents something and go, “wow, that me”, it can help you realize you’re valid and find a community and that’s great. There is so much controversy around this issue and others but if we all just calm down, respect each other’s experiences and try to just be nice, reasonable people, which is a lot to ask, let’s be real, it’s quite simple. If you wanna use language to express your honest feelings and identity, that’s great and other people should respect what you say. Likewise, if you hate labels and you just wanna be a formless blob, that’s fine, too. No one should force you. The only thing that isn’t cool is telling other people what they should or should not identify as 'cause that ain’t your problem or your business, bye. This was one of the things that held me back from talking about this for years. Shit’s confusing, man. Let’s just go back to cellular reproduction by mitosis so I don’t really have to be specific. Two people that I really look up to and respect, Harry Styles and Janelle Monae, both famously say that they don’t feel the need to label it which, to be honest, is how I feel and is perfectly okay. But I get it, for me, you want a word. Oh, that’s hard, though. I’m an annoying guy. I feel uncertain specifying my sexuality in the same way I wouldn’t say I am an atheist. Who the fuck am I to say whether God does or doesn’t exist? I don’t know shit 'bout shit and neither does anyone else. I mean I think it’s unlikely in the same way I know I like DICK. But I’m not gonna pretend to have a definite answer here. Looking at my public statements is inconsistent and confusing. Looking at my personal track record through life is super confusing. And looking at the void inside my soul threatening to crush the entire universe with the force of its event horizon of misery and melodrama, well, fuck let’s close that shit up. One thing’s for sure whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it. Really if you ask me, I don’t think anyone’s totally straight. I think there’s a lot of social and emotional issues getting in the way of yet to be understood feelings of attraction that can be very flexible. And trust me, I’ve known a lot of straight guys until a couple of drinks, some deep conversation, and lingering eye contact, and suddenly they just start leaning in. What does that make them? And am I totally gay? No. Am I slightly more gay or is it just easier for gays to hook up with each other because of societal norms. It’s not like the signs for male and female bathrooms are what I’m attracted to. I don’t care what flesh organ you have between your legs, what your hair’s like, if you’re covered in it or a fuckin’ beluga whale. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not picky. I’m easy. So am I bi or pan or poly? Well, now we’re just in a clusterfuck of defining language and I’m confused and sad and horny. This is why I personally love the word queer. I understand that some people don’t as it is a slur but as someone that’s been the target of it several times throughout my life I’m up for some reclamation. It’s like recycling. The definition makes sense because until society is equal with all sexual and gender identifies, it is literally strange from a conventional viewpoint plus it’s better than a super long acronym, it’s inclusive of everyone and therefore great for formless blobs. There we go, an identity I feel comfortable with. A highly-strung, depressed queer praying for a giant meteor to hurry up and finally eradicate humanity. LMAO, yeet!

But to come full circle, I know that even today, deep in my heart the word gay scares me because that’s how I’ve been conditioned my whole life. So, you know what? Fuck the literal definition and the scientific definition and what everyone thinks. I finally have to just confront and accept this.

I’m gay.

Oh look, didn’t spontaneously fucking combust. Well, there we go, that was a lot of stress about nothing, wasn’t it? Bloody hell. So yup, I’m here, I’m queer, and don’t worry I’m still filled with existential fear.

WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER WE’RE FILLED WITH EXISTENTIAL FEAR.

Chapter 5 – Fear

Even though I’m at this current place, there is still so much I’m afraid of and this has taken months to make because of that. Telling my family was a big fear. I have problems connecting with them emotionally because reasons. So I only came out to them this month and if it didn’t go well, as I’m now the independent adult that I fought so hard to be, I was ready to cut them off like the bottom of a sweater turning into a seasonal crop. But I didn’t have to, love you. I didn’t think they’d reject me these days but coming out is still a surprise. It changes things. And I’m a pretty awkward person generally but the idea of just dropping this in conversation in front of them all terrified me. And I tried several times this year to do it but I just couldn’t. So you know how I finally came out to my family? E-mail. Yep, I literally just sent them an e-mail saying and I quote,

“Hello gang. I’ve been meaning to talk to you all for a while, something quite important that should be disclosed at some point. I thought I would around Christmas, then Mum’s birthday, then last Easter Sunday, etc., but every time I meant to, I either felt like I would ruin the mood of the day or I just felt awkward and didn’t want to. So I decided just to email you all instead which is really inappropriate and just weird but that somehow seems appropriate for me and at least I’ll just finally say it.

Basically I’m gay.”

Yup. It was just getting ridiculous so I thought screw it and hey, it worked. Turns out my remaining family, pretty chill bunch of people. Even my Christian grandma said this,

“We love you for being you. It must be a great relief to finally acknowledge who you are. Popsie and I just want you to be happy. People are born as they are and have no say in it. I hope that now you will feel free to live your life as you want with no pretense.”

Aw.

“Don’t forget the iPad.”

Yes, I said I’d give her my old iPad. She mainly cares about that I thing. Wasn’t so sure when I was 17 but it went well now and I know that makes me lucky but, hey, it shows that times change. As for the other people in my life, obviously all the friends I have now are cool. If anyone in my life I’ve ever known isn’t cool with it then I don’t care. And sure here online there might be a few incredibly lost bigots following me or just some classic trolls who I think should get fucked. No, like literally, I think you should try it. You’ll probably enjoy it and you might learn something about yourself. Inevitably some of you watching this might have a weird reaction if you just feel like it was a shock or you feel hurt that I kept it from you. But I feel like I explained myself reasonably here and going forward I can’t have any space for that, sorry. I’ve come to terms with who I am and now you have to, too, ha. Funnily enough straight up homophobia is probably the one thing I’m not that afraid of, because I just don’t agree so it doesn’t hold much emotional power over me but you bet I’m opening myself up to all new kinds of in real life and international discrimination now which is fun. But one of the other big fears holding me back was, honestly, that I wouldn’t be accepted by the community. I know that it’s a big pride flag covering a lot of ground and even the idea of it and certainly most of it is amazing. But there is a lot of drama within it right now especially on the internet. You’ve got Grindr gays arguing about how manly gays should be, bi’s getting ignored, trans people, especially of color, not being historically appreciated, acephobia, fucking SWERFs and TERFs. No thank you. So even though they are my people, I know some of them will have problems with something. And even then, just seeing such a loud and proud, strong and opinionated group of people celebrating something just intimidates a smol introvert such as myself. And in my mind if these people don’t accept me because I’m not being definitive enough or I took too long then I almost feel like I’ll be alone all over again, and this is a fear that a lot of people have honestly. But I’m a nice guy and I’m trying my best so you better be welcoming, you bunch of fuckin’ queers. And obviously with the topic of sexuality, it doesn’t matter where we are or how far you think we’ve come, by merely mentioning it, I will be opening up a primordial box of bullshit which will include every single stupid argument and question since the dawn of time. [It’s not natural.] There’s gay animals. [Adam and Steve.] That’s based on a story and the protagonist that arrives later probably doesn’t agree with you. [Why can’t we have straight pride?] I could spend 10 hours on all the classic crap and people would still be asking the same things. This being posted on the internet, my hopes are so incredibly low, lower than my self-esteem.  Wow, that is unhealthy. I need to stop doing that. This video is about internalized oppression and the problems of language. I’m not here to pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the entire concept of gayness. *ASMR voice*: Pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the concept of gayness.  

There’s other humans and all the time in the world left for that. The time in the world coincidentally being not much longer. Climate change LMAO. But I had to tell my story so people would understand me and these things. Why coming out is still a big deal because queer people are often invisible and suffering until they have to do it. Some people grow up in supportive environments and it’s a positive experience. But more likely, especially around the world outside of the big cities, it isn’t. This is not a fight that is anywhere near over. Even in Britain today people are debating whether children should be taught to be accepting of sexual and gender identity in school.

Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option.

To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way, it’s right, and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance, you might not feel ready to tell people yet or that it’s safe and that’s fine, too. Just know that living your truth, with pride, is the way to be happy. You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer.

So there we go. Now I can proceed authentically in my life with full disclosure. Cute mutuals know to slide into the DMs. And you can all fuck off and leave me alone.

Bye.

I think the thing holding me back the most in regards to whether I'll continue rwby or not is Qrow. Just the fact that crwby never intended him to be read as a queer man even though they baited him and Clover so hard is just going to make me so upset if he ever gets a female love interest. We'll have to see the flirting all over again except this time it will be between a man and a woman and of course you're supposed to read that as romantic, but the two dudes flirting? Nope. Total bros.

Heteronormativity is a hell of a drug, anon, I’m sorry to say.

The number of levels on which CRWBY screwed this up is absolutely fucking astounding. My brother and I were talking about this whole mess last night. We were both enjoying volume 7 quite a bit. It had some plot holes and pacing issues and inconsistencies, but those were all things I could overlook or at least deal with. They only have so much time to tell the story, after all, and nothing is perfect. But how exactly do you manage to completely destroy something that was fairly decent over the span of a single episode? The mind reels. 

What’s even more frightening? They could easily screw this up further by doing exactly what you said.

At the risk of sounding like a “petty shipper” (which is an invalidating accusation people need to stop throwing around, especially in this case), giving Qrow any other love interest at this point would be, in my opinion, completely unbelievable on a narrative level and in very poor taste. I’ve heard speculation that we’re over half-way through the series at this point, and I’m sorry, but CRWBY just doesn’t have the time to bring Qrow through this hell they just dumped him in, take him into yet another healing arc, and get him to a place where it’s feasible that he would get close to anyone.

They had the perfect set-up, perfect timing, and the perfect person right there in Clover (not to mention the ideal opportunity for a completely badass mlm couple) and they threw it away with a level of callousness that still comes as a shock to the system. Pairing him up with anyone else at all (but especially shoving him into a het relationship without even exploring his bisexuality) would just be salt in the wound, and I fully agree that if I catch even a whiff of that, I will be gone and I won’t look back. I suppose it’s possible they might pull some Adam/Shiro/random-dude-post-story marriage bullshit, which would only be preferable in the sense that at least we wouldn’t have to watch it play out? But I definitely hear you. CRWBY completely wrecked Qrow in episode 12. I don’t see how he comes out of this healthy, much less capable of being in any sort of relationship within the time frame that remains in the series.

I want Qrow to be happy more than anyone. CRWBY apparently disagrees with me. At least, that’s how it’s looking right now. 

If you’re worried about it but still tempted to watch volume 8, you can always do what I’m doing. Someone I trust (my brother) is going to watch as the episodes drop, let me know what happens, and if it goes in a direction I’m not good with, I’ll just ditch the show altogether. Regardless, unless he comes running out of his room screaming that Clover is alive, I won’t be watching episodes as they drop again. That got to be a little too much for me. So if we come upon volume 8 and you’re curious, you can always shoot me another ask or just keep an eye on my blog. I’d be happy to give you my opinion one way or the other. 

I hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself, anon. None of this should be happening but at the very least we have each other for support.

Thanks for the ask!