#so if anyone has any additional ideas feel free to add in the reblogs/replies!
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Whump Prompt #1245
Submitted by Anon - thanks!
A newly vampiric caretaker accidentally loses control and biting the whumpee, who had previously been harmed by a vampire whumper.
In this instance, there’s no lasting physical harm done but caretaker is so scared of themselves and doesn’t want to hurt whumpee that they isolate themselves to try and prevent further harm to whumpee.
It hurts worse if you imagine that the caretaker was turned while rescuing whumpee. Maybe they weren’t even aware of it until their fangs were in the whumpee’s flesh.
#sorry anon I didn't know if you were asking or submitting#so if anyone has any additional ideas feel free to add in the reblogs/replies!#whump#writing#prompts#angst#vampires#rescue#vampire bites#fear#losing control
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hi :) I’m currently trying to get into the deca fandom but I have absolutely no idea where to start… any suggestions? :)
Hiya! And welcome to this messy but awesome fandom! :D
There's multiple ways to start! (And depending on where you are with Doctor Who media at the moment).
The book Divided Loyalties by Gary Russel was the first moment the Deca was ever mentioned, and for the most part is set in the academy era. The book Quantum Archangel also talks more on the subject but its few and far between.
The whole Deca and Academy Era is more of a concept put together from various little snipets from all sorts of media rather than a singular actual story (besides Divided Loyalties).
There are, however, media where various members interact with each other later on in life and sometimes mention the academy days. Most of the fandoms interpretations are based on the stories of them as adults (besides Millennia and Rallon - we have to guess!).
If you're not familiar with any specific member of the Deca, definetly do check out this masterpost here (and the reblogs on the post, people have added some great additions!) This has all the media a character appears in and which ones where certain members interact or speak about the Academy era!
If anyone else has anything to add or any advice please do reply to this post! The Academy era is pretty scattered canon wise so my best advice is just to read Divided Loyalties and branch out from there, but have fun with it! The slowly learning things from different sources is what makes it so interesting!!
Feel free to send any further questions, have fun!
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Writing this as my pinned post since I have a bit of free time anyway.
Introduction:
Hi. You can call me teecup or angel. This is primarily my AC and writing tumblr blog.
I post my fics in AO3 as teecup_angel.
I also have this tumblr blog that’s mostly me reblogging other stuff and very rarely I post something personal, I guess.
I have a twitter too but I haven’t used it in… I wanna say nearing a year? Maybe??? Yeeaaahhhh…
I’m currently writing fics for Assassin’s Creed and my primary focus is Desmond Miles because he deserves better.
Warnings:
I will pair Desmond with anyone (and I mean anyone) and my OTP is AltDes. I also do write gen so if you want to look at my tumblr but you don’t ship Desmond with any of his ancestors, I suggest blocking the following tags (altdes, ezides, condes, haydes, eddes). I also use those tags even when it’s just hinted at just to be safe.
While I cannot stop any minor from looking at this blog, please note that this may contain nsfw posts and I curse like a repressed catholic who was not allowed to curse when they were young. Also, I use 'dumbass' affectionately.
For Asks and Requests:
My ask box is open for nonnies and I try to answer every ask I get unless they specify that they want to keep it private.
Also, if you left me a suggestion or request in AO3, I do try to keep notes of them.
If you do request something or just leave me a plot idea, the most you’ll get from me would be a rambling of how it could work and possible subplots we can add to it. I tend to write whatever strikes my fancy and I’m hesitant in posting too many wips in AO3. Here on tumblr though… short fic and drabbles galore. The only reason why I wouldn’t answer your ask is if I couldn’t get to it in time as I allot a specific time for all asks and reblogs I get. If you don’t see it answered, it only means I’ll get to it next time.
I'm also fine with anyone using any of the posts/fic here or in AO3 to write or draw something as long as the post is linked and I'm informed :)
Also, you can request any crossover ideas with Assassin’s Creed and I’ll find a way to kick Desmond into it. I am a big believer of Desmond is the ultimate isekai protagonist. XD
Concerning the tags of this tumblr:
I got lazy later on in tagging posts I reblog (mostly fanworks from other people) but:
Any ask I answer will have the tag: #ask and answer or #submission for long asks.
Any fic idea I write will have the tag: #teecup writes/has a plot or/and #fic idea: assassin's creed (note: this one usually does not get used for any reblogs with additional ideas so I guess check the reblogs and the replies? This also sometimes does not get used if I'm butting in on other people's posts because it kinda feels wrong to add it? I know I should add a different tag for that but we'll see if I do down the line XD)
Headcanons and analysis (they're sometimes the same???) have #teecup analyze more than necessary and/or #headcanon: assassin's creed
Sometimes I make edits with varying success of humor: #teecup edits (sometimes I do screw up use '#teecup edit' instead XD)
I also draw rarely: #teecup draws
AO3 Stuff:
At the moment (and this part will be updated if necessary), the following have a weekly Monday update:
Eagle of Alamut (Desmond gets thrown back to 12th century Jerusalem in his 16-year-old body, endgame: AltDes)
I also sometimes suddenly post sometimes 2 or 3 more fics all at the same time and it’s kinda my modus operandi to 'coincide' it with important AC dates.
(Also, for those asking me if I need a beta, yeah, most probably but then I would be obligated to remove the "No Beta We Die Like Desmond" tag and the tag is too funny for me to give it up. XD I'd appreciate any comments that tell me if I've written something wrong though, especially the non-English words I sometimes use.)
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Okay this is like a general question but it’s related to whumptober
How do a03 tags work? I saw that the info said to use the whumptober2023 tag but I don’t really understand tagging in general?
Please help 😭
No worries, Anon, I shall do my best to explain!
Our tumblr tagging system is for the those posting on tumblr and would like to be reblogged to the @whumptober-archive. If you're not fussed about that, then feel free to use #whumptober2023 for your posts, with any other tags that you feel best describe your work.
Ao3 tags are incredibly useful for finding fics/excluding fics with things you don't want to see. For example, when searching a fandom you can exclude 'smut' if you do not wish to see those kinds of fics. Similarly if you want to find whump (more commonly tagged as 'hurt/comfort'), then you can choose to include those tags in your search.
(AO3 tagging system under the cut)
On AO3, tagging is slightly different as it is put into sections:
I'll start off by saying that you know your work better than anyone else, so use your best judgement when filling out warnings etc. The '?' symbol next to each section title provides some good information that may help your decision making.
Ratings: for whump, 'teen and up' is generally a good place to start, though depending on how mild/graphic it is, you could just keep it to 'general audiences' or rate it as 'mature.'
Archive warnings: (As above, this section can also be hard to judge with whump fics.) Personally, I find 'choose not to use archive warnings'/'no archive warnings apply' as a decent middle-ground for whump. Others may have different ideas of this, but my decision is based on the fact I generally post on the 'milder' side of whump, and I include a lot of tags. If you think your fic contains graphic content, select 'Graphic depictions of violence.'
Fandoms: Here you can search for the fandom you're writing for. It should show up in a drop-down menu beneath the bar. If you're writing for multiple fandoms, list all of them! If you're posting original content to AO3, use the 'Original Work' tag. For a small fandom that may not be listed already, you can just type in the fandom name and It'll create that fandom tag.
Categories: if you have relationships in your fic, you can tag them here. For example if your fic contains a male x male pairing, you'll select 'm/m'. If your fic contains general relationships (non-romantic) or the ships aren't the focus of the fic, you can select 'Gen'. You can choose as many of these tags as you want, depending on your fic.
Relationships: In this section, you can list the characters in the relationship. You can start typing a character's name, and the list of pre-exisiting ships will appear in the drop down. For example, if you type in 'Dean Winchester', 'Dean Winchester / Castiel' will be an option. If your ship is a rare pair, then you can create a tag yourself by writing both characters names with a '/' in the middle.
Characters: All of the characters that appear in your fic, are listed here. If a character is only mentioned, you can tag them as the following: 'John Constantine (Mentioned)'
Additional tags: Everything else goes here: whumptober2023, whumptober, whump, angst, hurt/comfort, injury, illness... any tag that you think fits your work goes here - especially content/trigger warnings. For tagging whump, I recommend tagging the main tropes (eg, 'water inhalation', 'drowning', 'torture').
Tags can always be added/removed even after the fic is posted, so if you think of a tag to add, or think one isn't relevant to your fic, you can always adjust them!
AO3 also has a tag FAQ section: here
I do hope this helps, but as always the ask box is open. If anyone else has advice for Anon or any additional information, feel free to mention in the reblogs/replies!
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For anyone interested in long-term residence in the supernatural fandom, please have some observations I’ve made over the decade I’ve been here. Take it or leave it as you will, but I’ve found all of this info useful over the years I’ve been here.
I wrote this yesterday, and it achieved its mission of identifying the sort of folks who would react negatively to it (i.e. a lot of block lists have been updated), so now that it’s been edited for content, it’s going under a cut (because that is how we do things on tumblr in general, unless we have a deliberate purpose for annoying readers with excessively long text posts) for the sake of people who actually do care about the fandom and its history. If that’s not you or your reason for being here, then keep on keeping on with your own thing, I guess. For those who are interested, there’s a lot of fandom resources some of us have been building for years that you might enjoy knowing about.
First off, I’ve been informed by a few friends who’ve read through this for coherency’s sake that it sort of reads like a *shakes cane from porch* fandom grandma complaint, but honestly... I earned this rocking chair and goshdangit imma rock now. So apologies for any “back in my day” vibes or faint aroma of tiger balm this post might give off. Then again, it’s loosely based on a similar post from 2012 so like... time is a flat circle anyway I guess.
1. There is no such thing as “tumblr famous,” unless you’re referring to the hilarious and delightful fic of the same name (please go read it, you will cackle). Posting Hot Takes for imaginary Clout™ on this site is kind of pointless in the long run. Sure you can post solely for the sake of stirring shit and getting notes, but the majority of the folks who do aren’t long term residents of the fandom. They’re just tourists moving through our little beach town for spring break. If you’re actually intent on moving to this corner of the fandom for an extended stay, please bother to really feel out the permanent residents and understand the culture and general mood of the neighborhood. It bears no resemblance to whatever’s going on across town where all the bars and beach parities are happening, and those loud, drunken revelers are, again, gonna disappear back to their regular lives or on to the next party eventually. That doesn’t mean the fandom is dying, it’s just evolving.
(funny how I had several comments implying that I’m just trying to keep the fandom from evolving with this post, because I sincerely do want the fandom to continue on for years to come, and that is impossible without evolution. We can evolve without self-immolating, though. mostly i included point 1 for an excuse to push ancient but hilarious fanfic on you.)
2. Once you post something here, it’s been unleashed to the fandom winds. You never know where it will end up, or who will comment on it or add to it. Remember that time Misha tweeted the link to the Epic Cockles Love Story post? No? It was wild. That was 2012. They all know we’re here, and how to find us if they want to. Please don’t take it to their doorsteps.
Obviously if someone is being a dick on your posts, please feel free to block them, but the whole entire point of this site is to engage people with your posts. Being big mad that someone reblogged your post with comments or supporting evidence, or happy headcanons or “HECK THIS IS GREAT BECAUSE (insert personal story about their experience or whatever else made them Feel Things about your post)” is frankly ridiculous. If your goal is to avoid any sort of engagement with your posts, then maybe try instagram instead. From what I understand, there is a SPN fandom presence there, and nobody can tarnish your original posts with unwanted commentary. But the ability to reblog with additional commentary is a FEATURE of tumblr that builds community through conversation. Otherwise we’re all just talking to ourselves in a vacuum, and that’s what actually kills fandoms.
(and for the folks who just want to blog how they want to blog and don’t want people to engage on their posts at all, please feel free to block anyone you want, as well... nobody wants to step on your toes, but most of us also don’t want to walk on eggshells wondering if this post is one of the “do not add comments for any reason” sorts of posts, either. This is a huge fandom and most people can’t even begin to keep track of every creator and their url du jour, and what their personal rules might be regarding interaction with their content. Including a “please don’t add comments” note at the bottom of your posts-- and not in your tags that won’t even show up on reblogs, but in the actual body of the post-- would sincerely help avoid any awkward or unwanted interactions, too. At the end of the day, you are in control of your own fandom experience and the block button exists.
For the record, I block zero fandom blogs (which is why I posted this, I wanted it to reach a wide scope... refer to the opening paragraphs as to why).
3. Since this post was partly inspired by a tag I left on that post going around about how “previous tags” mean fuckall on this site (which you can read here), just a reminder that if you like someone’s tags or feel they add value to the post, part of the Peer Review structure of tumblr encourages you to PASTE THEM INTO A REBLOG. If you do this, then at least credit the person who actually wrote the tags! Don’t just copy someone else’s tags into your tags on your reblog of the post without credit either. They were not YOUR tags. (I have had this happen to tag rambles I wrote and someone else got credited with them on a subsequent reblog and it is FRUSTRATING). Just... don’t even bother to write “previous tags” because WHAT PREVIOUS TAGS?! Nobody is gonna bother to chase back the chain of reblogs trying to find where the mystery tags came from, friendos. That way lies madness.
(for the record, since some folks seemed to focus on this point solely, writing “previous tags” on a post isn’t inherently a BAD thing, but for anyone who actually is here for more than one-off shitposting, then it’s sort of a pointless thing in the long run. This wasn’t intended to suggest people who ARE here for one-off shitposting are bad or “doing it wrong,” but for people who might actually want to preserve that hilarious joke or insightful comment. People delete posts and entire blogs all the time around here. Links break. I get that the upcoming generation just shrugs at that and moves on with their lives, but heck... you don’t have to accept that all entertainment is disposable if you don’t want to. There’s a bizarre sort of nihilism plaguing us all about the impermanence of pretty much everything that feels like something we should be fighting against rather than buying into wholesale, even in our escapist entertainment. I’m just exhausted by the complete loss of joy in community.
*shouts from the peanut gallery* IT AIN’T THAT DEEP, JUST GET SOME FRESH AIR AND LOOK AT A PUPPY OR SOMETHING
Yes... yes it isn’t really that deep, but bigger picture in the state of reality we’re all entirely disillusioned with, are we supposed to just give up on everything, including the things we cling to because they bring us a tiny spark of hope that we’re not all just trapped in this dystopian nightmare and things might actually be worth living for?
*peanut gallery clinging to burnt husks of peanuts in a barren peanut field* but this is how we have chosen to cope
Okay... you do you... I feel bad for you but if that’s the case then this post is NOT FOR YOU. AND THAT’S FINE. I honestly do not care if you don’t care! I mean, I’m sorry anyone has to live in a world that drives them to that mindset, but I understand. This post is for anyone who might look at their lives and their choices and think “no wait, I unironically enjoy this and want more from the experience of that enjoyment than I’m currently feeling.” Everyone else can continue with their lives as usual.)
4. CONTENT THEFT IS NEVER OKAY. PERIOD. Things like “credit to the artist” or tagging gifs or images you found on pinterest as “not mine” isn’t actually credit. If you can’t source an image or gif set, DO NOT POST IT! We don’t REPOST (i.e. save an image and then create a new post with it as if it was our own creation). We REBLOG (click the little square arrows and reblog from the actual creator). That goes for gif sets, fanvids, screencaps, meta, fic... everything.
(hopefully everyone here already understands this one, but I felt compelled to include some “these are stupidly obvious” reminders anyway, since this is ostensibly some sort of advice column. This is the equivalent of the warning label on your toaster reminding you not to use it in the bath. Like... duh...)
5. Close kin of item 4 is SOURCE YOUR SHIT.
(for 100% disclosure purposes, I specifically discussed this one in this specific way because of an influx of anon ask messages I received in the wake of the finale. Literally the inciting incident for creating this entire post was what I can only assume was a joking ask about a comment Misha made at a con years ago. Someone actually bothered to take the time to type out those sentences to me. I have no idea what they were expecting in reply, or what could possibly motivate them to send this comment about something so entirely random from, again, several years ago. Just a joke? No idea, but whatever... it got me thinking that there might actually be people who are new to the fandom who MIGHT actually care about the fandom history, and maybe they just don’t know where to go for that info, or how to even begin searching through 16 years of history for things they might actually find enjoyment in, rather than just hauling random out of context garbage out on main and pointing and laughing about it now. People are actually allowed to care about things. It’s not cringeworthy to actually care about things, and you are not alone in actually caring, and there’s this whole big room over here full of people who are thrilled to share in that with you. This post is intended FOR THOSE PEOPLE SPECIFICALLY, so if that is not you, please just continue walking by.)
Yes, I know lots of y’all are new around here right now, but dredging up stuff from years ago that fandom has completely debunked and presenting it as TRU FAX again is just exhausting. We’re not trying to be party poopers, but seriously, we have seen it all and are mostly done with extinguishing bags of flaming dog poop on our front porches for the umpteenth year in a row. I’ve seen a lot of posts that have the same tone as “I saw Goody Proctor dancing with the devil” or “I heard kylo ren has an eight pack” and just... the information is there for anyone who cares enough to find it.
This goes double for “why is nobody talking about this thing I just discovered while watching the show for the first time?!” And, oh hon, we have talked it all into the ground over the last fifteen years. We’re happy you’re discovering it again, but I promise we talked about it plenty when the episodes originally aired. We have such a rich meta history that lots of us have worked really hard to preserve. I encourage you to seek it out, if nothing else than as historical artifacts. The way we have discussed the show has been a 16-year evolution. People have written literal doctoral dissertations on this show. Your shitposts are fun! We love reliving our own experience through fresh eyes, and seeing your wonder at experiencing it all again for the first time! But y’all didn’t invent this fandom in the last six months, either.
Meta Sources and Minerals provided by our friendly neighborhood fandom archivist, @lets-steal-an-archive
Academic books and articles about SPN
A collection of Meta Essays going back to s1 and organized by topic (all of this has happened before, all of it will happen again)
SPN Heavy Meta Archive (s1-3)
Mel’s Dreamwidth archive of meta (s1-12)
Oranges8hands Dreamwidth archive of meta (s1-15, with many similar entries to Mel’s... though ymmv on viewpoint in a lot of these too)
Anyone remember Fandom Wank? Not the concept but the actual LJ... No? Okay have a link to SPN topics that ended up there. Through 2013. We have seen so much... including several fandom containment breaches.
for all your art sourcing needs, please see @theroadsofararchive, the repository for so much fandom art.
need to find a gif of something? canonspngifs is a vast repository of gifsets of the entire series. If the gif you want to use in your post happens to be the first gif in the gifset, in the tumblr gif finder thingy just paste the permalink to that post from canonspngifs (which is easily searchable by episode, character, location, situation, quotes, and sometimes even color and clothing items the actors are wearing... it’s really well organized, especially for tumblr >.>) and the first gif will be automatically linked with credit to the gif creator attached. It makes life easy that way. It’s also convenient when trying to remember something specific but can’t remember what episode it’s from. I’ve used the site to jog my memory before going to the superwiki armed with more specific search results to find episode quotes and references. Or sometimes I just scroll through all the nice gifs for fun, too.
Need a screencap of something and know exactly which episode it’s from? Try Home of the Nutty. You might not find the exact screencap you’re looking for, but they have a complete set of caps of every episode, and it’s an incredibly useful resource for quick reference checks and the like. Just give pages a chance to fully load before clicking on the next one. The site is easily overloaded, but it’s still free to use (and again, with credit... Pretty much every screencap on my entire blog is from HotN unless otherwise credited).
As you can see, this is a fandom built on preserving our history. You absolutely are not required to engage with any of this if that’s not of interest to you, but I can only assume that there are people who would be interested in it if only they knew it existed and how to find it. Well, now they do.
6. A few more notes on tags, and how they work on tumblr. The first 20 tags on your ORIGINAL posts are searchable sitewide, so if you want to be able to find something again, tag that thing first before going on general tag rambles. The only place tags on reblogs are searchable is on your own blog. So you don’t have to put 50 tags trying to get a post seen if it’s a reblog. You’re just spitting into the wind at that point. If you have a filing system for finding things again, then by all means add those tags (again, in the first 20, so they’re searchable), but you don’t need to tag a reblog “destiel” and “deancas” and “dean” and “cas” and “dean x cas” or whatever. Pick one for your personal blog’s filing system, that’s all you need.
(this was only added because tagging and searching on this site is so very broken... I get that a lot of folks don’t care about ever searching their own blogs again for anything, so this one only really applies if you do often find yourself trying to find old posts. If not, then it’s not really relevant. It took me years to work out a decent tagging system, and at the beginning of my time here I never thought I’d end up camping out here for a decade and falling this deep into the fandom, and I regretted my lack of consistent tags only years later when I realized I actually wanted to be able to go back and find specific old posts again. So... for anyone who wants to err on the side of caution, working out a sensible tagging system really helps if you’re here for the long term. I personally tag content by episode, because some of my other general tags are so large as to be practically useless as a search term. But whatever system you choose to file stuff on your own blog, it really only has to make sense to you. And again, if this is pointless advice for someone who has no intention of settling here for the long term. Please feel free to ignore it. I just wish someone had explained it this way to me ten years ago and saved me the hassle of retroactively tagging something like 30k posts... especially now that using the mass tag replacer is the fastest way to get your entire blog deleted... oops? so yeah, don’t use the mass tag replacer either >.>)
7. Tags on Tumblr DO NOT WORK LIKE TAGS ON TWITTER. If you @ someone in the body of the post, it will show up in their notifications (if they’re the sort of person who even checks their notifications... not all of us do. For the record, I generally don’t...), but putting actor or ship names in the tags on a tumblr post does absolutely nothing. It’s not the same as tagging the actor’s twitter account in a tweet. Nobody’s getting notifications about you tagging a post about Jensen here as “Jensen Ackles.” There is a difference. Please learn it. (and don’t take headcanons and ESPECIALLY RPF or otherwise explicit art or fic from tumblr to twitter and tag the actors in it. That’s just... not okay.)
(I have seen the pearl clutchers getting all in a huff about the mere existence of RPF or even explicit content of fictional characters if it doesn’t meet their purity standards, but tagging those things allows people who don’t want to see it to actively avoid that content here. Nobody has a right to tell people their fictional content shouldn’t exist at all, or that creators of that fictional content somehow deserve harassment or threats for having dared to create such “immoral” content, won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children... and no... you do not do that here. Don’t be the problematic behavior you wish to ban from the world. Learn to use tags to protect yourself from, as i have attempted to emphasize here, fictional content you are personally upset by. That’s a you problem, not a problem for the creators of potentially upsetting content that they tag appropriately for.)
8. General formatting stuff: If you’re writing long text posts, visually break them up so people aren’t faced with one long wall of text. The enter key is your friend. Also, if you put long text posts under a Read More break and send people to your blog to finish reading, please ensure that your blog is actually visually accessible (tiny text, or light grey text on a dark grey background, or a visually busy background might be aesthetically pleasing to you but nobody can actually read it. Loads of folks won’t even try. Which is great if you don’t actually care whether people are able to appreciate your content or not, but something to at least consider if you *do* actively want to encourage engagement with your work. Confirm how your blog looks on both mobile and desktop and make sure it’s actually functional in both, too).
And since I mentioned that most of my experience on fandom tumblr has been in the SPN fandom, here’s a bit of a reminder for folks who are new around here. With the reminder that I have been here more than a decade and still feel like a newbie myself sometimes...
This is an OLD FANDOM. There are many, many people who have been at this longer than some of you have been alive. The average age for creators in this fandom is older than you think (I think of my friends in their 30′s as young’ins okay? okay). With that understood, you are responsible for the content you consume and are exposed to. Curate your experience. Ship and let ship. YKINMKATOK. Don’t deliberately expose yourself to content you find upsetting for whatever reason. Tags and warnings are your friends, not targets for you to attack in some sort of purity war. People will ship things you do not like (or in specific ways you do not like), will say things you do not agree with, and will find their happiness in things you abhor. That is not your concern. Find what you do like, and support and engage with it, and ignore (or block, or unfollow) the rest. Tumblr has a feature that lets you blacklist tags so the content you’re trying to avoid won’t appear on your dash.
Remember the paradox of tolerance.
It is not your job in fandom to police how other people enjoy the fandom. It’s not *my* job to police how *you* enjoy the fandom, UNLESS your enjoyment is in actively harming other real human beings in the fandom. If you don’t like their take on the character or the show or the plotlines or their ships or anything else, you don’t need to engage with their posts at all! The necessary corollary to this is that clarifying misunderstandings or correcting factual misinformation is not “policing.”
(this is where the peanut gallery reminds me it ain’t that deep, and I plead with them to put down the social media and find just one (1) thing to actually believe in in this godforsaken life, find something other than disdain and cynicism and spite to live for. If those things motivate you to find a larger cause for yourself, then great, use them to your advantage, but use them to find something that makes you a better person or brings you a modicum of joy and connection to your fellow human beings despite living in a dystopian hellscape of a world)
I have seen a lot of posts lately that are founded on the sort of authority that comes with “I watched through tumblr for a few months and then watched the last three episodes of the series” and as such are just... missing the larger context of the entire show, and are unfounded entirely in canon. I 100% appreciate the new enthusiasm for the fandom that we’ve been living in here for years, and it’s wonderful to see new people enjoying the thing we love. Your headcanons are valid, you are valid, but recognize that your headcanons aren’t canon. All of us finale denialists have accepted this in some measure, so we feel you. We truly, truly feel you. But regarding actual canon, we have a resource for that: the Superwiki. Learn it, live it, love it, as Metatron would say.
(which you could discover he said in 10.17 Inside Man, thanks to the superwiki! accept no substitutes!)
(and again, there have been people who have been involved in fandom for years who haven’t engaged with canon in years, either! You can play in this universe however you choose, BUT FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT CANON AT ALL, WHICH I AM AGAIN POINTEDLY SAYING MIGHT NOT BE YOU, READER, AND I’M NOT SUGGESTING YOU ARE WRONG FOR NOT WANTING TO ACTUALLY ENGAGE WITH CANON, but if you DO want to engage with canon, please have some useful resources. Why do people feel personally attacked by being presented a list of helpful resources? Absolutely baffling.)
(also: words have definitions. “Canon” is a specific thing, meaning in this case “the finished media product that aired on television.” Anything beyond those limits is secondary canon (think: john’s journal, which is not canon but canon adjacent at best...), word of god (i.e stuff said by the writers and showrunners), or headcanon (which includes actor commentary-- they may have helped create the show with their acting choices and whatever, but they are not in control of the story overall). If there’s something you dislike about actual canon, you can reject it and supplement it with your own theories or preferred outcomes-- that’s basically what fanfic is-- but that doesn’t make your theories canon (much to all our dismay, that’s just not how any of this works. This is not to invalidate how anyone engages with the show or the fandom, just trying to clarify what seems to have been a source of unintentional misunderstandings. Your theories do not have to be “canon” to be legitimate interpretations.)
***I am setting this section apart, and did make a separate post of just this following information, because this is where we go from being relatively chill about different parts of fandom choosing to interact in different ways and you do you and blog however you want, to “hey can everybody please understand that the way you are interacting with this specific material might be harmful for specific legal reasons, and stating that you do not care about the consequences of your actions does actively make you the asshole here...” Okay, now that we have that understood:
The spnscripthunt collective has been steadily acquiring new scripts (which are posted in full on the superwiki for everyone to enjoy, for free). The language around how some folks are talking about these scripts is... concerning. For very real legal reasons, actually, and not because we’re feeling precious about the collection and don’t wike it when meanies use them in shitposts.
-First off, these scripts are not “leaks.” They are all verified and legally purchased (or gifted, in some cases, but still acquired entirely above board. we didn’t whack anyone over the head in a back alley for these scripts, or swipe them out of someone’s trailer on set).
(in case anyone was unaware, these scripts are the copywritten protected property of Warner Brothers. So yes, how we use them and share them with the fandom could have legal repercussions. We present them as a collected resource of fandom history which SHOULD fall under Fair Use doctrine, but this is untested legal water. Insinuating that the scripts are somehow not entirely legally obtained, or that posting them for public access involved less than 100% transparent and entirely legal transactions is incredibly concerning.
Once again for the peanut gallery, if you don’t care about any of that and are just having a good time with it, at least be mindful of the work and expense a large group of people have gone through to acquire and present the content you’re all too eager to exploit for cheap thrills. Some of us do actually care and are not exactly comfortable with the fact that others don’t seem to care about burning it all to the ground. We can’t force you to listen or behave as we’d hope you might, but at least be aware of the potential consequences of your actions. All we’re asking is for you to not be the douchebag who sets the whole neighborhood on fire with your illegal fireworks display. Is that too much to ask for? more on that in a second, first... a psa)
-If you see a script for sale and are unsure if it’s legit (or believe it might already be freely available in our collection), please feel free to ask us for advice. Our goal is to make as much of our fandom history available to the entire fandom, and we absolutely do not want anyone shelling out money for stuff you can already find for free.
(seriously, we’ve seen a bunch of resellers cropping up selling printed versions of the scripts we bought and uploaded for everyone to enjoy free of charge, or scripts that are otherwise of dubious origin. We’ve been at this for years now and know what’s actually out there. We don’t want anyone to fall for a scam if we can help it)
-Also, the usual reminder that the scripts we acquire ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE FINAL SHOOTING DRAFTS. In fact, the majority of scripts in our collection are NOT. Changes are made daily to scripts, even during filming. Comparing a Production Draft (white pages, effectively the first “final draft” of what usually becomes a series of drafts before filming wraps) to a much later revision (say... green or goldenrod revisions, several of which we DO have in our collection for comparison) and how those earlier drafts often differ wildly from the aired version versus how similar a much later green draft is to the aired version, for example, can teach you a lot about the television writing process. The link above to the superwiki scripts page has a nice little explainer about how this process works.
Differences between our posted scripts (many of which are white drafts, aka FIRST complete drafts, which will likely go through multiple rounds of revisions before filming even begins) and the aired version of the show are not all “acting choices” or a director or editor just cutting whole scenes on a whim. It’s insulting to everyone involved in production to suggest that’s the case.
(and yeah, fine... whatever, make any sort of posts you like regarding how those changes came about, but at the very least understand that it’s not actually the truth about how any of this works. Don’t care that that’s not the truth and want to make the posts anyway because shitposting is fun and that’s the extent of your sense of humor? FINE! You’re entitled to do that! But at least you DO know the truth now, and hopefully so do the people who engage with your posts. Deliberate ignorance isn’t cute, smooth lions notwithstanding)
There’s probably a whole other post to be made on fandom tagging etiquette, but again I don’t really use the tags enough to know what’s going on with that whole situation. I’ve also probably left a lot of stuff out, so please feel free to add things I’ve overlooked.
Thanks also to @trisscar368 and @thayerkerbasy for help compiling this, too. They were kind enough to escort me through the park to feed these pigeons. Now I need to take them out for ice cream. :’D
So I guess welcome to the neighborhood. Make yourself at home, but like... try not to trash the place while you’re here. Some of us live here by choice, lol.
#this blue hellsite (affectionate)#fandom problems#kinda wish i'd made this post six months ago but here we are i guess lol#long post#now edited for the people who are actually personally invested in the fandom#thanks for participating in this little experiment and I hope this version is actually informative to those who are interested#meaning there's a lot more links to stuff and explainers and whatnot...#and one last reminder that for folks just swinging through for laughs absolutely none of this applies to you#if you are legit interested in fandom history and preservation as we move to the post-canon world then hopefully this is useful to you
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The Bunker
MGR Chapter 7
[Previous] [Next] [Masterpost]
TW: Cursing, (parent) death mention
As the group walked down the long set of stairs to the city below, Elisabeth couldn’t hear a thing. And she hated it.
Well, maybe “hated” was the wrong word. But it made her feel uncomfortable. Of course, she knew that all of the citizens of Marcain had been evacuated after the attack, but it still felt like the calm before the storm— and who knew when the storm would strike.
Finally, they reached the bottom, and Marigold turned to face her. “Where do we go now?”
Her voice was soft and light, and the rhythm in it was like a heartbeat-- slow and steady. But now was not the time to focus on that— now was the time to find Goldie.
“I last saw her outside the palace, that at least gives us a place to start.”
Marigold nodded. “Lead the way.”
As they walked down the streets of Marcain, Elisabeth kept looking around. Only four days ago they were bustling and busy with life, and now? They were deserted and destroyed. She sighed. Hopefully someone would fix it soon.
She thought back to the council meeting earlier that day (or was it yesterday? She couldn’t tell anymore), and how stupid everyone was being. Xan Ruz had suffered a major attack, and no communication had come out of the country since the odd message they had been given, which was quite concerning. And yet they wouldn’t even send a single person to check to make sure everyone was ok, just because of a stupid treaty from a stupid war. Sending someone wouldn’t even break it!
But then, Elisabeth’s internal rant was put to a stop. “Look!” Princess Amina shouted. “A trapdoor!”
And so there was one. Next to where they had stopped was an alleyway, and at the back was a trapdoor with a few crates next to it.. The princess ran up to it. “I’m going to go down it. If your friend’s not there, maybe something or someone helpful will be!”
“Your highness, I really don’t think—” Marigold started, but Amina was already gone.
Lauren stepped up to it next, and stepped onto the staircase inside
“Lauren, don’t you dare do this.”
The knight shrugged. “Hey, someone has to protect the princess.”
Elisabeth looked at the staircase. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to go down, but everyone else seemed to be, so why not.
She looked over to the sprite. “You coming?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“Nope,” the noblewoman replied, and started to follow after the two.
Lauren had turned on her phone light, so she could at least see a little bit ahead of her, but there wasn’t much to see anyways, just old stone walls. It smelled musty, like no one had really been in here in a while, and the only sounds she could hear were the sounds of water dripping down onto the floor, and the clack of the princess’ boots.
Finally, after a few minutes, they all stopped. In front of them was a large stone door. Amina reached out to try the handle, but she had no luck in opening it.
“Let me try,” Lauren said, stepping up to the handle, but still, nothing happened. She knocked on the door. “Hello? Is anyone there?”
They stood in silence for a moment, wondering what in the world was about to happen next.
And then, the door creaked open.
In the doorway stood a girl. She was in her teens, with blond hair just above shoulder length and pale skin with a scar on her cheek. She was short, and was wearing a slightly ripped up T-shirt with a band logo that Elisabeth didn’t recognize, and an orange skirt with tears in a few places.
“Hey,” Goldie said. “What’s up?”
Marigold started to walk over to her, a smile setting into her face as she did. “Not much. You?”
She bent down to kiss her, and after a few moments, they pulled back. “Holy shit, I’ve missed you.” Goldie said, smiling.
“Language!” Marigold scolded, but Elisabeth could tell she didn’t really care.
Lauren stepped up to the couple. “Hey, this is sweet and really cute, but can I talk to Goldie for a moment?”
Marigold stepped back, and Lauren looked at Goldie. “You’re a bitch. The bitchiest bitch I have ever laid eyes on, you know that, right?”
Goldie hugged her. “I’ve missed you too.”
And then, she looked right at Elisabeth, her expression unreadable. “Hey.”
Elisabeth looked at her shoes. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault you got stuck here, I should have come back for you, I—”
She let go of Lauren, and walked over to the noblewoman. “It’s fine. I would have gotten stuck in that hole whether or not you came back for me.”
And then her gaze set on Amina, and her eyes widened. “Your Highness! What a surprise! Uh, if I may ask, what are you doing here?”
The princess sighed. “It’s a long story.”
Suddenly, there was a crashing sound from behind Goldie that sounded something like tin hitting concrete. Elisabeth flinched slightly, while Goldie spun around. “You all ok in there?”
“Yeah, it’s just that El knocked over my bean-can tower. Again.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose!”
“Mhm. Just like you didn’t do it on purpose last time, or the time before that. What a strange coincidence.”
Goldie nodded, and then turned back to face them. Marigold looked over at her lover. “Goldie, who were those people?”
“Oh! Yeah! Uh, one sec, lemme introduce you all. Come on in.”
She led the group inside, and Elisabeth looked around the small space, although there wasn’t much to see.
“Everyone, this is Princess Eloise and Prince Aaron of Xan Ruz,” Goldie said, pointing to a girl with pink hair and a boy that looked somewhat similar to her. Eloise nodded, and Aaron gave the group a soft smile and a small wave.
“Aaron, Eloise, this is Lauren, Marigold, Lady Elisabeth of Las, and Princess Amina of Calinas.”
The rest of the group said a few assorted greetings, and then there was a moment of silence.
“How did you get down here?” Eloise asked. Elisabeth wasn’t sure what to make of her tone. It felt intimidating, yes, but there was fear in her voice. The Xan Ruzian princess was not someone who was supposed scared or shaken, but she was now. And she didn’t like it.
It was Amina who answered. “There was a trapdoor.”
“Wait, it wasn’t covered up?”
“Um, no? It was just sitting there, plain as day. Honestly, you might want to be more careful in the future.”
“I am— you know what, nevermind.”
“Yeah, nevermind is right,” Marigold chimed in. “Enough about how we got down here, tell us about how you got down here.”
“Only if you tell me your side of the story,” Goldie said.
“Alright, but you first.”
✧✧✧
Silence filled the room, broken only by the occasional sound of Lauren sipping her coffee. How the brunette had gotten a hold of said coffee, Elisabeth had no idea, but she wasn’t focusing on that. She was focusing on Goldie’s story. The kings, dead? No wonder Calinas couldn’t send any help— the only government that was confirmed to be alive was in this room, and it had no Wi-Fi. She had checked.
And the “Fade”. When Eloise had explained that, there was a panic in Marigold’s eyes. It made her want to make sure she was ok, but she knew she couldn’t do that.
“We need a plan.”
Elisabeth turned towards the voice— Lauren’s.
“Our original plan was for me, Lady Elisabeth, and Marigold to find Goldie and get back to Calinas, but with the addition of three more people, we may need to adjust. Any ideas?”
“We’re definitely taking the twins back to Calinas,” Goldie said, and everyone but the twins nodded in agreement.
“Hey, you can’t do that! Our people need us!” the prince said.
“I know,” Elisabeth said, not even realizing the words were coming out of her mouth, “But you can help them better if you’re safe, alive, and with people who can actually help you. And you won’t get any of that by staying here.”
Neither twin said anything, but she knew that they understood her.
“Your Highness, did you need to stay here? For your mission?” Lauren asked Amina, and the girl shrugged.
“I don’t think so. I’m honestly just going to see where this takes me, and hope that something happens.”
“Well, at least that’s some sort of plan.” Lauren said. “So, unless anyone has any objections, we’re going to just head back to Calinas with everyone?”
The group let out various noises of approval, and Elisabeth stood up. “Come on, let’s go,” she said, and everyone started to shuffle out of the bunker behind her.
As she walked up the stairs to the trapdoor, she thought about that feeling she had earlier, like the calm before the storm.
So where was the storm?
And then, as she opened the trapdoor to the world outside, she found it. Because surrounding the door were almost twenty armed soldiers, with uniforms and crests the likes of which she had never seen.
At the front of the party was a man that appeared to be in his late teens or early twenties. He was wearing a uniform like the rest, but with a few more accessories— he must have been the leader. He had curly blue hair, light brown skin, and brown eyes that sparkled with malice. His face was twisted into a smirk, and the second Elisabeth saw it, she knew that getting back to Calinas wouldn’t be as easy as they had planned.
i cannot believe that i posted chapter six just two days ago!! and now, here we are, with chapter seven!! aaaaa!!
Anyways, please let me know:
If you want to be added or removed from the taglist
If I’ve made any spelling mistakes
If I’ve made any grammar errors
Your general feedback
Your questions
If I should add any other trigger warnings.
also, please remember, reblogs are free, and if you don’t like it you can always delete the post later. it’d be a big help for my account, and thank you!!
Taglist:
@fire-sapphics
@rat-with-coffee
@dirty-racoon
#dame lauren baker#lady elisabeth melly#princess amina hollan#princess eloise jamison#prince aaron jamison#goldie potter#marigold dia#mgr#mgr story#the bunker#mgr chapter seven#fantasy#wlw#lgbtqia+#fantasy story#ocs#oc story#original story#og chap seven
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I saw this ask game going around, so: what‘s a thing you love the most about each of your mutuals/that stands out to you? 💓 feel free to ignore if you don’t want to answer!
i have A lot of moots, so I'll do the ones i know best!! (if i didnt add you in sorry i worked 12 hrs today on 4 hs sleep for the second day in a row, my brain is fried!!
this is so cute and positive!! thank you for the ask dear anon!!
how do i pick only one!?!? this is going to be a challenge
@dotheddaengthing - you don't understand this is my irl bestie across the world. love most? Impossible to pick. but, She is so endlessly full of love, and one of the most generous people I've ever known -and doesn't judge me for being slightly more logic based about affection 😂 she's a part of my family (Mika my sister and friend i miss you but I'm so proud of you everyday. you're making this life what you want. )
@kpophours - Compassion and thirst for knowledge. Anna is one of the most emotionally intelligent people I've ever met. she's level headed and we have the same sense of humor! Anna is the person I can have a conversation about almsot any topic and she either knows, or has a thirst to know about it.(Plus your plant updates are actually life giving)
@kihyukhei - Strength of character. (dont clown me until i explain, Inès) Inès is so resolute and unwavering. she has an unshakable sense of self that floors me. She not only knows who she is, and what she wants, but she has no interest in wasting her time on less worthy pursuits. (Plus my fav person to gush about all of Wayv to, and wifey 💍)
@sunmoonieverse - Dis my baby angel. Passionate and logical! Summer is so full of LIFE and comedy but also has the best head on her shoulders. I'm talking chaos one second, and wisdom the next. Plus, She is the first person who will feel righteous anger for loved ones. (ily 🥰)
@excindrela - Empathetic but positive!! Mimi is an endless well of deep water sign feelings in the most beautiful and moving way. She's a shoulder to lean on and while she rarely complains, she has her own problems but just makes the best out of these situations (thank you for being there no matter what!! Mimi you're such an admirable example of perseverance ilysm!)
@dingdonghun - Marie is a gravitational pull . she's surrounded by, and also a giver of so much love! people are drawn to her and she shows the same affection and gratefulness regardless of how long she's known you. anyone can talk to her. (Marie you are like the actual sun, just a huge mirror that absorbs and reflects love into the world . you make me laugh and let me be weak and sad and you dont judge any of it. you're so special to so many!)
@ughh-m - Oh Mays! my beautiful, funny spunky child!! I adore her bright humor, her excitement about life and her interest in subjects so complex that I'm constantly fascinated!!! She's loving and sweet and very positive!! (Mays you're a sponge of brilliance 🥺💕 and youre so heckin cute !)
@doom-daddy-top - Intensely aware, omg pls here me out. Y OU ARE SO SMART and capable and open to new ideas and thinking. you're not afraid to be vulnerable and value the INSIDE of a person. (you're my bb ily 💕)
@kdongyoung - ro is a new moot!!! but everything she posts is A++ CONTENT
amazingly artistic and sweet!! very approachable and cute! (thank you for being you i hope we learn more about each other!!)⚡⚡
@xoxowenninibebe - De s i !!!!!! MY SASSY AESTHETIC QUEEN. She is full of excitement, very in touch with her emotions! and very !! idgaf attitude about being who she is (we love an unapologetically authentic queen !! i LOVE YOU SM!!!💕💕💕)
=====
i feel like there's a theme here. i struggle to express my own emotions or be in touch with them and i so value the people in my life who can do that. it's a sense of emotional intelligence and vulnerability that's so beautiful and TRUE. as a " what are feelings" person i love the balance you bring !! thank you all for being you!!
if any of my moots i cant brain w ell enough to tag wants me to add them just reply and I'll reblog this with additions !!
#tag game#anon asks#thanks anon!#this was cute and fun and I'm full of warm fuzzies now#but dont tell anyone I'm soft shhhh#it's all about queue#i loved queue
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I was reading @falsettosconfessions a while ago and found one pertaining to the darkness and complexity that surrounds Trina’s character. It was #112 if anyone was wondering. I started writing this long reply to that, elaborating on it and expressing thoughts and giving insight, but I thought I might hijack the post. So I’m posting it here.
cw: depression mention, self-harm mention, suicide mention
I have written a rough essay on this subject (along with other aspects of her character) for my university and continue to work on it because Trina means so much to me. Full disclosure: I am in no way a Trina scholar, but I’ve had a long history of analyzing her character for no reason other than insomnia and love and I’ve spoken to Alison Fraser and have gotten ideas and insight into what exactly Trina’s origins have been.
Alison Fraser herself has told me no less than three times that Marvin’s Wife wasn’t even supposed to make it past In Trousers. That’s first.
She expressed a bit of surprise when she returned for March of the Falsettos and has expressed, as well, that March of the Falsettos is much darker than any of us really understand if we’re not familiar with it.
Anyone who has known me for a long time knows I love Alison Fraser as Trina, and I think that’s because of the way she played her. Alison was the original, and, from what Alison has said, the basis. While Bill Finn says that In Trousers is not technically autobiographical (in the case of the wife and children), Alison admitted that, in a sense, Trina was her. She was Trina.
I know it can be cliche to say something along the lines of the original being the best, but I can say that I truly understood so much about Trina from listening to In Trousers and March of the Falsettos because of Alison’s portrayal. The raw energy she gave and the way her voice depicted the situation and tone.
Is it possible that I also am enamored with March of the Falsettos because it was written before Falsettos edited some of my favorite parts? Yes. Very much so.
There are examples such as vocal orchestrations. Alison herself did vocal orchestrations, and while I know that every interpretation of a character is a personal choice, there were some things in the revival that, once comparing and examining them, I found confusing.
If you have a chance, listen to “This Had Better Come to a Stop” between the March of the Falsettos cast recording and the 2016 revival. Listen to “He’s like a baby who’s denied.”
That “denied” has changed from a higher note to a lower one in the revival. Her “primal screech” is what Alison called it. Because of the desperation and hopelessness that Trina felt.
Here’s a short section of my paper, acting as a bit of a summary, and addresses the lines mentioned in the original @falsettosconfessions confession #112.
As the show advances, her life deteriorates. March of the Falsettos, as a show, is noticeably darker when addressing Trina’s character. This is evidenced in “Trina’s Song” (discussed later) and the character’s continued references to death. While the first act of Falsettos retains the line about the scalpel, March of the Falsettos originally had the lines
We’ll see if you two get along,
If not I’ve got
Some Rope
Right Here,
And Trina will be hanging from a chandelier.
It should be acknowledged that she sings this directly to her own therapist in an attempt to ask him for a housecall for her son.
Another example is in the changes in lyrics or the absences of sections. You know the “five!” Trina exclaims in Falsettos? Barbara’s delivery in which she has to remind the not-quite-men that she, is in fact, one of the Jews in the room. Stephanie’s delivery where her response seems, to me, to convey a sort of incredulous (perhaps) reaction. As if she doesn’t believe that they, either by negligence or by ignorance, have forgotten that she too is part of the Tight-Knit Family.
In March of the Falsettos, she doesn’t say it. She doesn’t remind them that she’s there. She sings seldom in the opening song. There’s a different air to March of the Falsettos that Falsettos seems to change.
The tone of the show changes with the continuation of the story into Falsettoland.
Alison expressed, and I firmly believe this to be true, that Marvin is the one she loves. She loves him in such a way, and the saddest part of her love is that he is wholly unavailable to her. He loves men.
Do not get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of Trindel (especially with the way it was portrayed in the revival and with the beautiful chemistry between Stephanie J. Block and Brandon Uranowitz), but when I look at March of the Falsettos, I remember how different Trina’s song is. She acquiesces to the marriage proposal and sings about how she’ll remain faithful even if Mendel cheats on her. Her views on Mendel and their relationship are those of a partnership. She sees Mendel as someone she cannot fully find herself loving the way she loved Marvin.
A tangent from that is the fact that the revision of In Trousers, there were two, actually, wasn’t out yet. Love Me For What I Am encapsulates a lot of what makes up Marvin and Trina’s attraction to one another. From my paper on the subject:
In “Love Me For What I Am”, the first song chronologically in which Marvin’s Wife appears as her own character [as opposed to one of The Ladies in the chorus], His Wife recalls their first meeting and being hopeful and optimistic, wanting Marvin to be able to love “a girl like [her]” who is imperfect and insecure (“The Nausea Before the Game/Love Me For What I Am”). Marvin himself asks the same of her, despite his own doubts that he could love someone like her, a female rather than a man.
Returning to the point about Trina dn Mendel’s relationship, March of the Falsettos’ version of Trina’s Song is different onstage than it is on the cast album. Trina’s Song and the Reprise bookend March of the Falsettos (song) just like in the revival, but it’s cut for time, I presume, due to the album being recorded on vinyl in 1981.
The last note on Trina’s Song and Reprise is that of the cut material, on the soundtrack that is, Trina often mentions how her desire is to resemble Mendel. Physically, she dresses like him, rather than Whizzer, stated in the libretto and in this photo:
caption: Trina and Mendel pre-Trina’s Song
caption: Trina and Mendel post-Trina’s Song
There’s even a section in the libretto that during A Marriage Proposal, he gives her his scarf, and later during the Reprise of Trina’s Song, she ties the scarf around her waist in her attempt to be like him.
The exact meaning of her need to resemble is uncertain. I have seen interpretations of it being her accepting him as a husband, I have seen that it’s to give herself some form of power over herself, or even the reverse in her surrendering, yet again, to be someone’s wife.
You can tell that the tone of the show changes with the introduction of Falsettoland, and also, the character herself greatly changes. In part due to the addition of facts (her Jewishness, for one; explained below) and Faith Prince’s portrayal.
Faith does a lovely job. I have no qualms with her whatsoever and think her spin on Trina is endearing. She matches the show.
Trina’s character regains an element of femininity. Pink is her favorite color. Excellent. I once read in an archived review of In Trousers, back when it was put on by Playwright Horizons, that Marvin’s Wife wore a pink shirt. (According to Alison, it was polyester, apparently.)
She helms efforts towards Jason’s Bar Mitzvah, doing what it is that she and Marvin should collectively do as parents and try to have the best Bar Mitzvah for Jason.
Speaking of...
According to Alison Fraser, Trina wasn’t meant to be Jewish at conception. There were two Jewish women in In Trousers: Miss Goldberg and Trina. One by birth (Miss Goldberg) and one by marriage (Marvin’s Wife).
I think it’s humorous that in March of the Falsettos (show), Trina offers bologna to Mendel for dinner during therapy sessions (oh my lord, Jason’s therapy is a very long song in MotF), which is decidedly not that kosher.
In Falsettoland, she says that the food must be kosher and rejects the idea of lobster from Marvin.
Her faith seems to be incorporated more through the show, especially in Falsettos considering that it is immediately established in the first song, which, to me, changes a lot of her character.
I think that I’m a tired human and will give this a rest for tonight, but here are my thoughts right now and if anyone wants to add anything or discuss, feel free to add things in reblogs or send me an ask.
Cheers.
Tam.
#trina falsettos#trina weisenbachfeld#in trousers#march of the falsettos#cw#falsettoland#falsettos#tamsin speaks#analysis#alison fraser#faith prince#stephanie j block#the nerd speaks#then goes to sleep
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How To Write a Rules Page
I see a lot of people who are confused as to how to go about writing a rules page for their RP blog, or worse, sticking something generic and unhelpful in that spot because they feel like they have to have something in order to be taken seriously.
A rules page isn’t just a fancy decoration, it’s supposed to be something for you to convey important information to your followers about how you want to run your blog. That said, I understand it can be daunting when you don’t know where to start, so I’ve put together some points to keep in mind when writing your rules.
Useful Information:
What kind of blog is this? Is it independant (not affiliated with any roleplay group)? Is it non-selective (will roleplay with just about anyone), selective (you pick and choose who you roleplay with based on whatever your personal standards are), or private (you only RP with mutuals)? Are there any exceptions to this? (For example, I roleplay only with mutuals, but anyone can follow me or send me an ask for a meme.)
Are you 18+? This is a really important one, please include it in your rules or about.
What kind of things are you comfortable RPing, regardless of your age? Are you open to anything as long as both writers are communicating and checking with each other, even darker things like gore or sexually explicit content? Or do you prefer to stay away from that? NOTE: if you’re a minor, please don’t RP sexually explicit content.
Do you have any specific things you like or don’t, like ships? Do you have a specific way you want people to approach you for shipping so you don’t feel like they are “forcing” it on you?
Do you have any specific fandoms or characters that you do not want to interact with at all?
How do you like to deal with shipping? Are you multiship (every relationship your muse has is treated as existing in a separate universe) or single ship (you only ship with one other person and consider your muse “taken”, or you are looking to have this kind of exclusive relationship with another roleplayer)?
What kind of tags do you use to organize or filter your content? Do you have any special topics or triggers tagged? Do you have any special topics or triggers you want other people to tag for you?
Is your blog spoiler free? If not, how do you deal with spoilers? Do you tag them, and if so how (and for how long after the canon content comes out)?
How fast or slow are you at replying, and are you alright with people reminding you about threads you haven’t answered in a while? How long is “a while” for you? How would you prefer they remind you, if you are OK with that?
Most roleplay blogs do not want other people to reblog their roleplays if they aren’t a part of them. This can be useful to include in your rules, but make sure to add any additional guidelines you personally would like people to know. Do you not want people reblogging your headcanons, asks, OOC posts, etc.? Do you not want certain blogs following you at all, like duplicates (people with the same muse as you) or personals?
Do you observe “reblog karma” (expect people to send you an ask for a meme before reblogging the prompt from you), or no?
Did you use any fanart or other assets that you didn’t create yourself when putting your layout together? Credit the artists responsible, either on your rules, or one of your other pages.
Additional Tips:
Add a mobile link to your rules! To do this, just add the link in your blog description like this:
HTML: Please read my <a href="YOUR RULES PAGE URL HERE">rules</a> before interacting.
How it will appear: Please read my rules before interacting.
Don’t feel like you need to hit all of the above points like some formula; they’re just pointers to get you thinking. And please feel free to organize your rules page in an easy-to-read way. Blocks of text will usually make people’s eyes glaze over, so whenever you can avoid them, you should. Bullet points and bolding important items are both really useful tricks to use.
Personally, I’d advise staying away from anything too generic, because it just becomes background noise after a while. This is especially true if they are useless guidelines like “no godmodding.” Literally no one likes godmodding, and people who do godmod don’t think they are. If you want that rule to be helpful to anyone, you have to define what that means for you.
Bad: No god-modding or meta-gaming allowed!
Good: Please do not control my character during our roleplays without checking with me first. If our characters do not know each other in canon, please discuss with me before you assume your character knows anything about mine.
That said, there are some cliche rules that may always have to be said, even though I wish they did not. One big one that comes to mind is:
Mun =/= Muse! Understand that the things my muse says and does do not necessarily reflect what I think, nor do they necessarily mean I condone them.
Going off the above, it might also be a good idea to warn people about what kind of content they can expect on your blog if you have a darker muse.
Proofread your rules! Many people (myself included) copy/paste rules from blog to blog, but it’s really jarring for the person reading if you forgot to replace the name of a character or fandom while doing that.
Finally, and this is a big personal thing, I’d advise against passwords. I can tell you from experience they don’t work. Half the people who read your rules won’t send it in anyway, and the people who do aren’t always the ones you want to RP with, so they you have to deal with thanking them for reading but then not following them back. Worst of all, you end up worrying even more about whether people read them or not, instead of feeling more secure about it.
If people want to tell you that they read your rules, they will find a way, trust me.
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Shattered (Chapter 9)
Smutty Ayahina College AU
Summary: Hinami tries to deal with her sorrows through seeking Ayato out. Ayato can never turn away the girl he loves far more than he should. Two people with unrequited feelings, dealing with them in very different ways. Human AU. (16.3k words)
Warning: This fic contains unhealthy coping mechanisms, heavy sexual content, and plenty of problematic/ dubious things which I absolutely do not condone at all. This is a work of fiction that takes on a more mature, physical take on Ayahina’s relationship as opposed to the typical conventional one. Please feel free not to read this fic if it’s not your cup of tea! Additional trigger warning for stillbirth since this is an add-on to the previous chapters.
As of this moment, this fic also contains hints of infidelity.
A/N: I’m so tired so I’m not going to say much. This was a really long chapter and writing it really was exhausting. It took me 2h to even just read through this once and now I can barely open my eyes. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter.
Please do reblog this and feel free to leave some comments!
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 3.5 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 4.5 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Vday Side Chapter | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10
Preview:
They both fall silent, a slight awkwardness hanging in the air. The atmosphere is heavy. Knowing Ayato’s motivations and past doesn’t really help Hinami feel any better about herself. It’s impossible to really blame herself for it. She didn’t actually do anything wrong. It was Ayato’s idea and she had agreed. She might not have done something wrong, but she did give him a difficult time and perhaps, it is really for the best that they end things here.
But as they had agreed, just for tonight, it will be different.
She pushes him down and gets on top of him, immediately jumping right into it. Ayato pulls her along, his hands resting on her hips to help her movements. She doesn’t think she’ll ever get tired of this feeling— him, buried deep inside her. She loves they way it feels whenever he moves in her. She loves the way he pants her name out in broken syllabuses as the pleasure starts to take over. Every moment they spend together like this is precious. She doesn’t think anyone, not even Kaneki, has ever made her feel this satisfied and relaxed. Maybe it’s because she’s never done this with Kaneki before or maybe it’s because she knows she doesn’t have to worry about anything if she’s doing it with Ayato. There’s so many reasons that she can come up with to explain the ecstasy that surges through her. But the fact that this night is their last remains. The moment morning arrives, the moment Ayato steps out the door, this will come to an end for good.
“I don’t want this night to end,” she breathes out.
He sits up, hugging her body to his and nestling his head against her neck, hands still assisting her movements. He gives her a soft kiss. “Me too.”
He feels the same way. The thought gives her a slight hope. Maybe there’s something else that can be done. Maybe there’s still a chance. Maybe there’s another way.
He finishes inside of her with a choke cry of her name, with her following right after. Ayato falls back to lie on the bed, pulling her along with him. He holds her tight as she lies on top of him, completely enveloped by his arms. Ayato’s hold is warm and comfortable. She doesn’t feel alone when he’s around. She feels happy. She feels safe. Hinami raises her head slightly and Ayato looks down to her, their eyes meeting.
“Do we have to end this?” she asks. She knows the answer, but she gives it a shot anyway.
“You don’t want to end it, huh?” he sighs thoughtfully. “Why does it matter so much to you? I’m just a fuck buddy to you, aren’t I? It’s not like this is anything special.”
He’s wrong. He’s more than that. He is special.
When he enters the classroom, he’s surprised to see that she’s not there already. Hinami is usually a punctual girl, or rather, she’s the kind who’s always early for anything. Normally, she’d be there by the time he arrives and she usually has a seat saved for him. So when he slips in a minute before class is meant to start and he sees that she isn’t there, he’s bound to be curious.
Curious. Not worried. Curious.
Naki and Miza are already there. Ayato makes his way over and takes the seat right next to Miza. He doesn’t say anything, not even a greeting, but she notices him and immediately jabs him lightly with her elbow.
“Hinami isn’t here,” she says.
“Really? I didn’t notice.” He tries his best to sound as nonchalant about it as he can. Even though he already knows, he’s tempted to turn his head and look. Instead, he tries to focus his attention on his bag, searching through it for nothing in particular.
“Very funny,” Miza mutters. “Your eyes were glued to where she normally sits when you walked in.”
“They weren’t. I was spacing out.”
“You’re a terrible liar.” He turns and sees both of them looking at him. Miza seems unamused while Naki has a grin on his face.
“Don’t the two of you have other better things to do?” he grumbles. “Where’s Hooguro and Shousei?”
“Running late,” Naki replies. “Yesterday we went to this really cool place and Hooguro found this girl he likes and—”
“Don’t change the topic,” Miza cuts in.
“What? Okay, fine, Hinami’s not here. I noticed. Happy now?” Ayato hisses. Perhaps sitting with Miza might be a bad idea, but there isn’t anyone else he knows in class. Rio doesn’t take this class with him. The only other person he knows by name is Tomoe and that too because she’s Hinami’s friend. Besides, a little after he and Hinami had broken it off, Tomoe’s been giving him dirty looks. He knows that whatever she heard from Hinami had only given her a bad impression of him.
“Why isn’t she here?” Miza asks.
“How am I supposed to know? I haven’t talked to her in ages.”
“Yeah, you stopped talking to her a little after that day in the strip club,” Miza says flatly. “Good job bringing two girls home and cheating on your girlfriend.”
“Hinami wasn’t my girlfriend. She never was.”
“You guys were clearly together,” Miza argues and god, he wants to rip his hair out. He’s lost count how many times they’ve had this very argument. It’s really getting on his nerves.
“We were never together.”
“You were fucking her though,” Naki laughs. He’s loud enough that a couple of students around them look back at them. They turn away the moment he glares at them, but when he fixes the same glare on Naki, he only gets a playful smirk in response. “You were.”
“Yeah, I was, but that meant nothing.”
“You stole her virginity, led her on with sex and then dumped her for two random girls you found in a strip club,” Naki says, again a little too loudly.
“Can we really not talk about this here?” Ayato grumbles. “Look, we’re going over to Miza’s place later right?”
“Oh sure, we can talk about how you fucked Hinami up then. She can join in the conversation through the thin walls of the dorm as well,” Miza sighs. “Let’s go to Naki’s room instead today.”
“No way. It’s messy and it has a weird smell.”
“You know, I noticed you never come over to the dorms unless we’re going to my room.”
“He’s a pervert,” Naki teases. Ayato doesn’t know what the people around them have ever thought about him but the past few minutes must have changed everyone’s perceptions drastically.
“Naki’s room is messy and it stinks.”
“Hooguro’s?”
“He always has a girl in there so no.”
“Shousei’s?”
“His room?” Ayato pauses. He’s never actually been into Shousei’s dorm before and he doesn't exactly have any plans on visiting it. “No.”
“Yeah, I thought so,” Miza sighs. “So unless you’re really a pervert who gets off on being in the girls’ dorm, why mine?”
“If you think I’m into you, you’re dead wrong.”
Miza gives him a wide smile. “I would never think that way. It’s disgusting.”
“Good.”
“Nice. It’s Hinami again.”
“Yeah— No. It’s not Hinami again.”
“You come to my room knowing she lives next door hoping you might get a chance to see her,” Miza says flatly. “Or maybe you’re just a creep and the idea of being that close to her turns you on.”
“Or both,” Naki adds.
He wishes Naki would shut up, but before he can offer any comment, he sees Mado getting up from her desk. He flashed a glare towards him, but as always, Naki isn’t fazed by it at all. Sometimes he wishes Naki will at least react to his stare the way the others do, but he supposes someone who knows him as well as Naki wouldn’t be bothered by it at all. Hinami has never really been affected by it either— not that he uses it on her much.
Ayato’s grateful at least that now that class has started, he doesn’t have to continue the conversation and that Naki and Miza will probably forget about it later. He doesn’t like talking to them about Hinami. He does want to talk to someone about her at least. But no one knows anything about what is going on between the two of them and he’s sure that they probably wouldn’t be able to understand them anyway. It’s probably better for him to keep quiet about it.
“Okay before we begin anything, I should give out your papers.” Mado’s unbothered stern voice brings his attention back to class. He hadn’t been able to focus much on work lately and he knows he’s behind. He needs to catch up. There’s ton of things he needs to finish— readings and even assignments that he should have started days ago but have yet to touch.
The class is silent as Mado starts going around and returning their work. It starts to get noisier as more people get their scripts back— a usual thing, Ayato supposes. Eventually she comes to him and stops right in front of him. She scowls as she places his paper on the small desk in front of him.
“You know you can do better,” she murmurs before she walks away. He glances at the paper in front of him, freezing at the grade he’s gotten. Miza leans over from her desk and peeks over.
“That’s weird,” she sighs. “A C+? You’ve never gotten this bad a grade before.”
He’s never been the brightest student in class. He’s not Hinami. But he’s never gotten below a B. This is a first but he has to admit, as bad as the grade is, he’s not actually surprised. He had barely put any effort into this particular paper. He had done it the night before his submission and even then, it wasn’t an all-nighter effort. He finished it pretty quickly. He simply couldn’t be bothered about it.
“Yeah, I guess I was out of it.”
“Is it because of the break up?” Miza snickers, looking at him with a knowing grin. “You act like you’re okay but you’ve been so weird lately—”
“Okay, all of you can shut up now,” Mado says from the front of the class, her loud, sharp voice cutting Miza off. Ayato gives a silent thanks to her. He doesn’t want to have that conversation again. He’s so sick and tired of it, yet he knows his friends are never going to let go. He doesn’t even understand why they care so much about his relationship with Hinami. It doesn’t concern them at all.
“There’s some absentees today and it’s a bother to get them to come collect it from me directly since I’m going to be away the next couple of weeks. Is there any one who’s able to pass their work to them?” Mado asks.
“Me!” Naki cries out, his hand shooting out happily. “I can pass them to Shousei and Hooguro!”
Mado looks over at him and shrugs before she passes two sets of papers to him. There’s one more in her hands and it’s probably Hinami’s. A part of him wants to volunteer. If it’s a month ago, he would have done it. But he knows that Hinami has her own friends now and he should leave it to them. There’s Tomoe in this class after all.
“Ayato can pass it to Hinami,” Naki says and Ayato immediately freezes.
“Oh then perfect,” Mado says. She’s standing close to him right now, and it takes barely any time before she drops Hinami’s paper on his desk. “Right, pass that to your girlfriend then. Thank you every much you both. And now, for today’s discussion, everyone please get ready."
He’s barely able to focus on the discussion. He doesn’t even remember what the reading was about, or even if he did the reading. He’s staring at Hinami’s paper. Her name stares back at him and it almost feels ridiculous that it’s there. It hits him that he has to pass this to her. He has to go and meet her. He has to interact with her. He’s been avoiding her so much and he’s been trying his best to pretend she isn’t around, but right now, he has to go to her.
Maybe he should pass it over to someone else to give it to Hinami. Miza lives right next door to her. She probably sees Hinami everyday. Tomoe might be willing to pass it to Hinami as well, but he’s not sure if he wants to even talk to Tomoe. He’s sure she’s staring at him with the intent to kill even right now. In the slight chance that he passes it to someone else and the paper doesn’t get back to Hinami, he knows that he’d get into trouble. There won’t be any official punishment or penalties, but an angry Professor Mado is something no one, not even Ayato, wants to meet.
He’ll make it quick. Pass it to her and leave immediately. Simple. How hard can it be?
“Shousei and Hooguro didn’t end up coming to class today in the end,” Miza murmurs. “I wonder what happened.”
“They probably got too drunk last night or something,” Ayato sighs. He and Miza continue to walk silently down the corridor. Naki had gone in the other direction, towards the college dorms so he could pass Hooguro and Shousei their work. Ayato remembers Hinami’s paper in his bag. He should be going along with Naki, but the thought of going to see Hinami makes him hesitate. He could always get some lunch first. “Honestly, you guys should start taking things more seriously.”
“You got a C+ on that paper, Ayato. You’re not one to talk,” Miza snaps. “Are you sure you’re okay? Both Hinami and you didn’t do well on that paper.”
He remembers the grade he had seen on Hinami’s paper— B+. Miza’s worry isn’t misguided. It is unusual for Hinami to get anything that’s below an A.
“I’m telling you, nothing happened,” he insists.
“You guys used to hang out more. I’ve barely seen you with her ever since we went to the strip club so I only assumed something happened because of that.”
“Strip club? What’s this about a strip club?” a voice interrupts them before Ayato is able to respond to Miza. It came from behind them and when they turn around, they see Tomoe standing with her arms crossed. She huffs when their eyes meet. Tomoe is practically radiating with hostility right now. She doesn’t like him and she isn’t making even the slightest effort to hide it from him. “Hinami’s been acting really weird for the past few days and I know it has something to do with you. So spit it out. What did you do to her?”
“I didn’t do anything to her at all. This is none of your business anyway,” Ayato snaps.
“Fine then. Give me Hinami’s paper,” she says.
“What?”
“Hinami’s paper, which Mado passed to you. I’ll go and pass it over to her so you don’t have to do it.”
He won’t have to see her in this case. He had hesitated over approaching her and getting her to pass the paper to Hinami, but now that she had come to him on her own free will, there isn’t anything to worry about. All he has to do is pass it to her and he can continue with not having anything to do with Hinami. Tomoe’s unlike his other friends. She’s reliable, from what he’s heard. He won’t face any problems.
But still, something makes him step back. “Why the fuck should I do that?” he growls.
She ignores his question. Instead, she asks, “What grade did Hinami get?”
She’s getting on his last nerve and even Miza can tell. Miza flashes Ayato a glare, silently ordering him to calm down and keep his cool. Getting angry and worked up won’t help. It’ll make things worse. Tomoe isn’t going to be any more accepting of him if he’s too hostile with her.
“She got a B+.”
“A B+?” Tomoe cries out. “I knew there was something wrong with her. I just knew it. She’s been out of it for the past month.”
“Just like you,” Miza mutters, jabbing him with her elbow. “Aren’t you going to tell us what happened between you two? I’m starting to get very worried, Ayato. You’re not yourself lately. You’ve been quieter. You don’t play around much with us even though you’re suddenly always physically here. You’re always on the edge about something. The only time you ever seem normal is when you’re over at my place and I know that has something to do with how Hinami is just next door. It’s as if you’re trying to make her think you’re okay or something.”
“Why would he be upset? He’s the one who hurt her,” Tomoe jumps in, scowling at him. “I’ve seen the way Hinami stares at you the past weeks. What did you do to her?”
“I didn’t do anything!” he insists. The two girls continue watching him with matching frowns, clearly not believing a single thing he’s saying. He can’t lie his way out of this. “Alright. Fine. We stopped.”
“Stopped? Stopped what?” Tomoe hisses. She takes a step towards. She’s so small and he practically towers over her, but she doesn’t seem fazed at all. Though he supposes she won’t be afraid of him. He’s pretty sure she’s carrying a bamboo sword in her bag that she probably has no qualms with cutting him down with it.
“We stopped what we had.” He doesn’t to go into details. They won’t understand. He knows they’d just jump into whatever conclusions they can get their hands on in the spur of the moment.
“So you guys were dating,” Tomoe says, a victorious smirk forming on her face.
No.
“I told you not to bring those girls home,” Miza snaps at him. She almost sounds like a nagging mother.
“What’s this about the girls? Does this have something to do with the strip club?” Even though it was Miza who had brought the girls up, Tomoe barely looks at her. She continues to stare at him, directing her question completely to him.
“This doesn’t concern you,” Miza says, huffing under her breath.
Again, Tomoe ignores her, but she narrows her eyes as Miza speaks. “Did you sleep with another girl even though you were dating Hinami? And then you dumped her after she found out. Is that what happened?”
“No.”
She waits for more after he responds to her and when it is clear that Ayato isn’t going to give her any further explanation, she takes another step forward, fuming. “You cheated on her.”
“I did not,” he says. He glances at Miza, who has a very similar expression to Tomoe on. “I don’t know why you both immediately assumed that has anything to do with the strip club because it doesn’t.”
“So right after you brought a pair of girls home, something else happened and you broke up with your girlfriend,” Tomoe scoffs. He’s never spoken to Tomoe much and he barely has any impressions of her. Right now, she’s not exactly forming the best impression. Maybe she’s a good friend, but she sure is scary to someone who isn’t a friend.
“Hinami wasn’t my girlfriend,” Ayato reiterates. It’s getting so exhausting, saying the same thing over and over again yet no one ever listens. Every time they make that assertion, it’s a slap to his face. He’d have died to be in a relationship with her, but the reality is that she’s in love with Kaneki, not him. She’ll probably never fall for him, no matter what he does and no matter how much he prays. He can’t change her feelings. He can’t force her to love him. He can only accept what he has before him. Hinami isn’t his girlfriend; she will never be. He had to settle with being whatever it was he used to be. How pathetic— he doesn’t even have a name for that.
“You were sleeping with her,” Miza says.
“Must be real nice having all the fun you wanted with her and then throwing her away the moment you don’t need her,” Tomoe snickers.
“That’s not true,” Ayato hisses.
“I thought you genuinely liked her,” Miza murmurs.
“I do!”
“Oh? You like her? Don’t make me laugh,” Tomoe growls.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“If you liked her, why did you hurt her like that?” Tomoe cries out. “Do you know how much pain Hinami’s in right now? Do you know what you put her through?”
“What I put her through?” He’s right on the verge of losing it. The accusations are getting the best of him. He can see Miza glaring at him, trying to silently ask him to calm down, but he’s just so close right now. He can’t calm down, not when Tomoe is like this. “What do you even know about Hinami and I?”
“All I know is that she likes you—”
“Hinami is in love with someone else, you idiot,” he interrupts. “I know because he’s all she ever talks about and all she ever cares about. Even when we’re fucking, I know for sure she’s thinking about that fucking bastard!”
Tomoe’s eyes go wide. “What? No. That’s not true! The way she acts… I know for sure—”
“You don’t know anything about Hinami and me,” he spits out. “I threw her away after having fun with her? Do you know how many fucking times Hinami has told me to stop what we have, only to come running back to me three days later when something goes wrong again? You don’t know a single fucking thing. Hasn’t Hinami told you anything about what she’s been doing?”
Tomoe glances away, a hand going to the back of her neck, rubbing it lightly. “She tells me that there’s nothing between you two… But I just know she’s hiding something. She won’t talk to me about it and I was getting worried about her.”
He smirks. “Well then, just stay the fuck out of it and—”
“Ayato,” Miza cuts in. She tugs Tomoe out of the way and stands between the two of them, looking up at him with a warning glare. “Calm down.”
“I am calm—”
“I said calm down and stop raising your voice or you’re going to make a scene,” Miza instructs. She doesn’t give him a chance to say anything, or even to calm down like she asked him to, and she simply continues speaking. “I know Hinami is important to both of you and that clearly, something messed up is going on here, but you two need to stop screaming at each other and talk properly.”
“I am calm,” Tomoe insists. “But I just want to know one thing. Is that okay?”
He stays silent for a moment, looking at Miza and then at Tomoe. Their eyes lock and it’s clear that the hostile sentiments are still there and that even after hearing what he had said, she still holds him accountable for what happened. He doesn’t know how Hinami is acting. She seems pretty normal to him as well. She does avert her eyes when she sees him and she had spammed his phone with messages in the first few days of their break up. But everything went back to normal after that. He sees her with Tomoe almost everyday and they’re always talking happily. He’d just assumed she had moved on. That would be easy for her; she’s never been in love with him. He had assumed he’s the only one who’s still holding on, wishing to turn back time.
“What is it?” he asks.
“Why did you end whatever you guys were doing if you really like her?”
“I got tired.”
She raises an eyebrow. “You got tired of her?”
“No. I got tired of what we were doing. It’s draining. It hurts. I was sick of it,” he murmurs.
“Do you still love her?”
It’s an expected question and he had seen it coming. But when she does ask him, he pauses, genuinely considering things. The answer comes to his mind immediately, even as he thinks of reasons why it shouldn’t be like that.
“Yes. Yes, I do still love her.”
He decides not to go with Miza to hang out with the guys. After his conversation with Tomoe, he isn’t in the mood for socialisation anymore. He doesn’t go back to his apartment either. Oohashi is there. She’s the last person he wants to see right now. Miza stays with him till lunch, but they barely speak. The atmosphere is heavy and he can tell that Miza is genuinely worrying about him. He wants to tell her not to, that worrying about him really isn’t worth her time and effort, but he doesn’t know how he can convince her.
“What made you think all this was a good idea?” she asks at one point.
“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking.” It really does feel that way. For all the time he spent with Hinami— for over a year— he really must not have been thinking.
“Why would you do that?” Miza murmurs. “Hinami is a pretty girl, but just what about her made you fall so madly in love with her that you’d go that far?”
He gets up at this point. He’s done with his food. He gives her a simple shrug. “She saved me.”
“Saved you? Ayato, what does that even mean?”
He shrugs again. He has no intention of narrating his entire high school love story to Miza. He supposes he’s being a terrible friend, turning her away when she’s genuinely trying to help and understand him. But right now, all he wants is to be alone.
Ayato walks away, wandering about the college grounds absentmindedly. He tries to think of a place to go, but his mind is a blank slate. It’s his legs that seem to decide things right now. At some point, he arrives at the library— Hinami’s favorite place. It dawns on him that maybe Hinami might be in there and without a second thought, he walks in, looking around. There isn’t many people around and a first glimpse is enough for him to tell that Hinami isn’t here, but somehow, he finds himself walking around, looking in every nook and cranny of the library. He tells himself over and over again that he isn’t looking for her— that he shouldn’t be looking for her. But it feels like he can’t help trying to keep an eye out for her, just like he couldn’t help looking at her empty desk in class earlier on.
She isn’t there. It takes him awhile to convince himself and when he does, he leans against one of the bookshelves and sighs, wondering what he should do now. He glances over at the books and sees a familiar name, Takatsuki Sen—Hinami’s favourite author. He has to admit, he’s always been curious about her books, especially since Hinami always talked about them. He randomly picks one of the books out and brings it to one of the tables.
King Bileygr.
He doesn’t really get what the book is supposed to be about from the title, but he reads it nonetheless. Ayato isn’t exactly the biggest reader in the world. He’s never been too fond of books, even when his father had read them to him before putting him to bed. But he still finds himself engrossed in the pages of this particular book. The author’s flair and the intensity of the story had him turning the pages of the book without him even realising it. The book is deeper than he thought it would be and it spoke of a revolution in a wrecked society, a story of the oppressed looking for hope through one person. Ayato supposes he knows how that feels like as well. He’s never been in the situation the characters in the book were but he knows what it’s like to feel like there’s nothing left for you. He knows what it’s like to have the hand of one person pull him out of the darkness he was drowning it.
She saved me.
His words to Miza is at the back of his mind when he looks up from the book. The library is emptier now. The librarian is walking around, returning used books to their respective shelves. He glances at the clock and he realises how late it has gotten. He probably should go back before Oohashi starts blowing up his phone with texts and calls. But before that, he has to pay Hinami a visit.
Ayato hadn’t finished the book yet and he doesn’t think he’ll continue reading it if he borrows it, so he simply returns it to the shelf. The dorms are at the other end of campus and it’s a pretty long walk there from the library. The sky darkens as he heads there, the sun beginning to set. It would be a nice and relaxing walk if it isn’t for all the students walking around, having fun and making a lot of noise. His friends are also probably hanging out in Miza’s place now. Maybe he’d drop by after visiting Hinami.
If the school was noisy when he was walking over, the dorms are ten times worse. People are hanging out in the lobby. There also are a few standing along the corridors while chatting. Ayato doesn’t really get them; talking in their rooms would be so much better than crowding the main walkway. He sees a couple of girls he knows as well and he has to look down to avoid catching their eye. He isn’t in the mood to talk to them. Ever since the rumour that he and Hinami had broken up was spread around, many of them had approached him, hoping for a chance.
Hinami’s room is closer to the end of the corridor and there doesn’t seem to be anyone around. He does hear voices from the room next to hers. Naki and the guys must be over at Miza’s place. He’ll make it quick with Hinami before he joins them.
He stares at her door for a moment. He doesn’t actually have to knock. He can simply slide it under her door. He doesn’t have to see her that way, or talk to her. He considers the option for a while. It really would be the better option, but against better judgement, his hand moves and he’s hitting his fist against her wooden door.
There isn’t a response— strange. Since Hinami hadn’t been in class, he doesn’t think she’ll be out now. She isn’t the kind to skip lessons on a whim. She probably wasn’t feeling well before class, which would mean she should still be in class. Maybe she’s asleep. He tries knocking again.
“Hinami…”
She still doesn’t respond so he tries knocking again, harder this time. Maybe she’s so ill that she’s too deep in sleep. Maybe sliding the papers under her door would be a better idea. Maybe he should just leave her to rest. All these thoughts are rushing through his mind, but his hands doesn’t seem to listen at all. He knocks again, harder and harder.
“Hinami!”
He feels his heart in his chest beating hard. He feels sweaty. A thought surfaces in his mind— what if she’s ignoring him? Maybe she really is upset with him. Maybe she hates him now. Tomoe had said that she’s been acting weird, especially when it came to him. Maybe she’s more affected by the separation that he thinks she is.
Or maybe something happened to her when she’s alone in the room. Maybe she’s so sick she collapsed. She might be lying unconscious in there right now and he might not even know.
He knocks harder again. He’s almost slamming his fists against her door now. “Hey Hinami, are you alive in there?”
There’s still no response. Maybe she really isn’t at home. Maybe she’s just ignoring him. He must be jumping to conclusions, right? There should be no reason for her to be that sick. He had just seen her the previous day and she was fine.
He tries again. “Hinami! Hinami, open the door!” If there’s nothing now, he’ll give up. He’ll slide the papers under and he’ll leave.
There isn’t anything. He gives it a couple of moments but she doesn’t respond, nor does he hear her door. Sighing, he gives in. There isn’t anything he can do now and knocking her door like a maniac isn’t helping the situation at all. At most, someone might find him and report him to security and that would be a huge problem for him. He reaches for his bag, looking down, and pauses.
She’s there, right by the door. His heart rate quickens and he can feel his palms getting sweaty. They’re so close, probably closer than they had been since they broke up. It’s just the door between them right now. She’s right there.
She’s right there, but she’s not answering him at all.
He forces down the lump in his throat and speaks again. “I can see your shadow, you know.” He sounds like a croaking toad. It weird, strange and maybe even creepy.
There is still no response from Hinami. He doesn’t see the shadow move. She doesn’t say anything. It becomes clear after a moment of silence that she probably is trying to ignore him and that she wants him to know that she’s ignoring him. Tomoe had been angry and it’s probably because she’s seen how Hinami is like when he’s not looking. It had been easier to tell himself that she won’t be affected by their separation before his conversation with Tomoe. But he had spoken to her and she had made it clear that Hinami is upset. Even if he hadn’t mean to hurt her, he did and Hinami wants him to know that.
“Are you angry with me?” he asks softly. She doesn’t reply and he doesn’t expect her to. Yet, he continues talking. “Hinami, I promise this is nothing like what you think it is. Mado gave me some of your assignments and asked me to pass them to you as soon as possible. It’s just that. I’ll leave immediately so open the door.”
There’s a brief moment of silence, which he supposes is her debating if she should listen to him, but he hears the knob of the door turn and it slowly starts to open. Hinami doesn’t look at him. Her eyes remain fixed on the floor, hair falling forward to curtain her face. When he sees her, he lets out the breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding. She’s there, in front of him. He’s almost in disbelief over the fact that she actually opened the door. He had been right on the verge of giving up.
“Hinami,” he murmurs. She looks up slowly. Her eyes are narrowed. Her cheeks are flushed. She’s sweaty and she’s breathing hard. She’s wearing a small green dress. It probably is her pyjamas given how short it is. One of the straps had slid off her shoulder as well. Her hair looks like it’s in a slight mess as well.
She looks hot and his throat goes completely dry. He forces himself to think of something else. Her appearance is probably because she’s sick. That’s why she didn’t come to class. That’s why she looks like that.
“Are you okay?” he asks. “You look terrible.”
She stares at him in silence, eyes trailing down his body. He takes a step forward and to his surprise, so does she.
“You look pretty ill, Hinami. Have you gotten a good rest?”
Her brows furrow. “I’m not sick.”
He finds himself doubting that. He takes another step forward and raises a hand to her forehead. She doesn’t have a fever but she is quite warm. “Maybe you should get some rest.”
“I really am not sick,” she sighs. She steps aside and nods towards her room. “Come in.”
He doesn’t need to go in. He shouldn’t go in. Seeing and talking to her is one thing, but he still needs to keep his distance or everything would simply go to waste. He can pass the paper to her while he’s standing at the door and then run over to Miza’s place where he can be safe from all these complications. He can still hear Miza and the guys. They sure sound like they’re having fun. He should head there too.
He should but he doesn’t. Instead, he steps into her room and she shuts the door behind him and locks it. They’re alone now, aside from the voices from next door. He’s never been in here before. They had mostly spent their time in his place. Hinami’s room is neat, as he had expected, and pretty empty. She has an almost bare table, a shelf of books and a single bed at the corner, lying against the wall. The bed has a couple of pillows and a single plush rabbit. He remembers the rabbit; he had gotten it for her birthday. He’s surprised she still has it with her and that too so close to her.
“What do you need?” Hinami asks.
“I wanted to…” He pauses. His mind is blank. What had he come here for again? He looks at her and she stares back at him, waiting for an answer. He knows he came here for something, but all he can think about is her and the fact that he’s in her room and they’re alone. Alone. In a room. With a bed.
He shouldn’t give in to the temptation.
“You didn’t just come up with a random excuse to enter my room, did you?” she muses.
“No. No, I didn’t.” It’s true but he had said it so quickly that he’s sure Hinami isn’t buying it. He takes a deep breath and tries to calm down, trying his best to remember everything that happened before this. Class— that’s right, class. He had to pass her the papers. “I came here to give you some of your work.”
“Work?” Hinami almost sounds surprised. He looks up and sees her sauntering over to him. Oh, oh— She doesn’t have to walk like that. Why is she walking like that?
He tears his eyes away from her, hands grabbing his bag and opening it. Where did he place her paper again? He wishes his bag isn’t in such a mess and that he had been a little more organised when he kept this things. He’s desperately trying to find it as Hinami stops right before him, watching him carefully.
“Where is it?” she asks.
“I swear it’s in here somewhere.”
“Are you sure?” She sounds amused and he’s sure she definitely doesn’t believe him. He glances at her, but her expression is blank, eyes fixed on his bag.
“Trust me. I’m just here for the paper.” He pauses, finding it finally. “Oh, found it—”
“Yeah, you’d be here for work,” she murmurs, cutting him in. Her tone seems to have taken a drastic turn. The previous mischief and amusement is no longer present. She almost sounds disappointed. “It’s not like you have any other reason to talk to me.”
There’s enough bitterness in her voice to catch his attention and to turn him away from the task at hand. He raises his head, looking straight at her. “What are you going on about?”
“Nothing.” She glances away as she says it.
“It’s not nothing.”
“It’s nothing that you should concern yourself with.” She’s right; he shouldn’t concern himself with her too much, not when they had already gone their separate ways. Yet, he’s still curious, especially since he knows she’s referring to him. He wonders if this has something to do with what Tomoe was talking about. Hinami is acting weird.
“Come, on, tell me,” he urges. “Are you angry with me?”
“I won’t call it anger,” she admits. “It just hurts.” There’s a lot of hesitation when she speaks but he can tell she is being honest with him. Tomoe had already told him, but it doesn’t really hit him until this moment, when Hinami herself is admitting it to him. He has hurt her. He had done something he had told himself he never would.
It feels like he has sinned.
“I didn’t mean for it to,” he admits. He drops his bag on the floor and turns fully to her. “I thought you’d be okay.”
“You ended it all of a sudden and didn’t even give me an explanation. Then you go on living as if you’re completely fine,” she says plainly. “It feels like you threw me away.”
Tomoe’s words are coming back to him. He had sneered and mocked them when she said it, but now it starts to weigh down on him. This is what Tomoe has been seeing these days. It’s no wonder she’s angry with him; he’d be angry with himself if he knew this is what Hinami had been feeling, if he knew this is what he made Hinami feel.
“You looked fine—”
“So did you,” she cuts in, “but are you?”
He’s takes a moment before he speaks, trying to calm himself down and not hurl himself straight into another mess. Hinami doesn’t seem to be rushing either. It feels like she’s just waiting. She’s just standing there and even if he runs out right in the midst of the conversation, it feels like she won’t stop him. She wants her answers, yet it doesn’t seem like she will actively search for them or force them out of him.
He wants to lie to her and tell her he’s fine, that he’s better off without her. But how will Hinami take that? It would hurt her even more, won’t it?
“No,” he admits. He lifts his hand and brings it to her face, pushing her hair away. Hinami leans into his touch and places her hand above his, lightly squeezing it.
“Why did you act like you were fine? I thought you were better off without me.”
“I’m sorry. I just wanted to move on,” he murmurs. Hinami steps closer to him. He feels a lump rising in his throat. He wants to clear things up with her and he does want to end all the misunderstandings, but he doesn’t want to go back to what they were— he shouldn’t. He can’t let himself be used again. She’s so dangerously close to him right now and while he knows that Hinami probably doesn’t mean anything by what she’s doing now, he knows what it might end up leading to. Neither of them have any agendas now. They’re just being swept along by the current, letting their passions, their emotions and their deepest desires within them dictate their actions. Why did he touch her? He had no reason to. He just did.
He drops his hand, sliding it into his pocket instead. He turns away from her, trying not to look at her. His eyes fall on her bed, lingering on the crumpled sheets. It’s a small bed, but even the smallest of beds is enough for anything to be done, especially when two people are trying to get close.
“It’s okay.” He turns back when he hears her reply. It feels like she has stepped closer to him again. There’s a small smile on her face and it doesn’t seem to harbour any ill feelings towards him. He wonders if she really had just accepted that half-assed apology of his and forgiven him. If she really is as hurt as Tomoe had implied, she’s forgiving him too easily.
“No, it’s not okay,” he says. “I was an asshole to you and that’s true. I should have been clearer about it. I’m sorry and I should make it up to you somehow.”
Hinami raises an eyebrow. “Make it up to me?”
“Yeah,” he says. He wrecks his mind, trying to think of something he can do to make her feel better. As cheap as it might seem, he gets an idea he thinks might work out. “How about I buy you some books?”
“Books?” She sounds incredulous.
“Or whatever you want, actually. I can get you some coffee or—”
“You want to buy me something to make up to me?” She’s looking at him with an annoyed expression and he supposes it’s not really something she’d approved of. Hinami isn’t the kind of person who likes people spending money on her.
“What do you want then? Anything at all. I’d do it,” he says.
She stares at him, blinking a couple of times. “Anything?”
“Anything.”
Hinami nibbles her lips, glancing at the direction of her bed, then her table and then back to him. Her hand moves to the strap of her nightdress that had slipped off her shoulders, fiddling with it but not pulling it back on.
“Then,” she says slowly, “if I tell you to get to your knees, would you?”
He thinks he probably pales at her comment, as she turns bright red and looks away. He had said anything. He hadn’t set a boundary. He knows that if he refuses to do it right now, Hinami won’t have an issue with it— from how red she’s gotten and how she doesn’t seem to be able to look him in the eye right now, she looks like she’s regretting saying it already. The right answer now would be a “No.” He shouldn’t give in— not to her and not to his own desires.
But it’s like his body has its own mind. He falls to his knees before he can even speak, looking up for her, waiting for what’s to come next. Maybe she has something else in mind. Maybe she’s just playing.
Anything.
“Hinami.” When he speaks, she looks at him, now looking down to meet his eyes. Her cheeks are so red. Her eyes are wide in surprise. He has to swallow the lump in his throat before he can actually speak properly. “What do you want me to do?”
She raises her hand— he can see it trembling— and runs her fingers along his face, brushing them lightly along his lips. They shouldn’t be doing this. He knows so well that this is where they needed to stop and he can see the hesitation in Hinami’s eyes again. But it’s hard to turn her away, especially when her hands are already on him. He hadn’t been able to satisfy himself lately. It’s always her that’s on her mind; it’s only her touch that he had been craving for. All the times he’d slept with his current girlfriend, he’d always been wishing it’s her. He doesn’t know what’s going on in Hinami’s mind, but he knows she knows as well as he does that they should stop. Maybe she’s been craving for him as much as he has been craving for her. But it’s hard for him to even consider that thought. He touches himself with her name on his lips; Hinami’s only ever wished it’s Kaneki with her. As Hinami leans forward to press her lips on his, he wonders what’s on her mind. Is she really kissing Kirishima Ayato or is she kissing someone else?
“Do you want this?” she asks. It’s a genuine question, one that isn’t binding him to anything. She’s giving him a choice. Does he really want this or does he not; yes or no?
No.
“Yes,” he replies. She gets down as well, kissing his cheek, his chin and down his neck as he tilts his head to give her more access. She rubs his shoulders lightly before she starts to pull his jacket off him. Ayato remains still as she removes it. It falls to the floor silently. Hinami runs her hands down his arms and she pushes them slowly to the back, holding him in place.
“I had a lot of fun that night,” she admits. She doesn’t specify but he knows exactly what she’s talking about. “I’ve read up on some things and if you want, we can try them out.”
He nods and he feels her smile against his skin. Hinami gets up and she walks over to her desk. “You don’t mind getting tied up, do you?”
What? He feels his eyes double and he turns to look at her. She’s looking through one of her drawers. He wonders what she even has in there and he wonders if he should be worried. “Tied up?”
“If you’re doing this to make up to me, then it’s sort of like a punishment, right? I read up about some fun punishments,” she says. “You don’t mind, do you?”
He should. He should mind all of this. They should end things, not take things another step further.
“I don’t,” he says. He’s being honest as much as he knows he shouldn’t.
“You… want this too?”
He nods. “I do.”
He must have blanked out for a long while after they’re done. When he opens his eyes, he feels more relaxed. He’s exhausted and his entire body aches. But he’s satisfied— something he hasn’t felt in a long while. He feels sleep just right around the corner. His eyelids are heavy and he can only open his eyes a little. He’s tempted to close them, to let himself fall asleep. He really shouldn’t though. He’s in Hinami’s room. He already gave in once. He doesn’t want it to happen again. He should leave.
He should leave, but he doesn’t make an effort to move. He looks up at Hinami, who’s kneeling beside him. She has his arm on her lap, lightly stroking his wrists. He notices the red streaks on them and he starts to realise that they actually hurt. Hinami lightly touches the bruise and he winces.
“Does it hurt a lot?” she asks softly.
“A little, but not too much,” he murmurs.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, taking his arm and lifting it up. She leans her head down as well and presses a soft kiss on his wrist. It stings, but it’s bearable. “I’ve never tied someone up before so I might have done it too tightly. Next time, I’ll be more careful.”
Next time. The words ring in his head and he wants to argue with her. There won’t be a next time— there shouldn’t. There shouldn’t even have been a this time. They shouldn’t be together, they shouldn’t be fucking and he shouldn’t be lying naked on her bed like this. He needs to stick to what he had decided. Hinami is the past. He can’t keep going back to her.
“I should go,” he says. Hinami nods and releases his hand. She shifts a little and watches him, probably waiting for him to actually go. He should leave. He really should. But his body just won’t listen to him. “Maybe, not now. Maybe, I’ll need a while. Give me five minutes.”
She smiles weakly. “If that is what you want.”
Just minutes ago, she had him pinned down while she gave him orders after orders. Now, she’s looking away from him, awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck as her cheeks burn red. He can’t tell what exactly that reaction is for. It looks like she’s embarrassed, or maybe she’s just feeling awkward. One of her hands remain pressed on the bed, grabbing the sheets tightly. He reaches for it without really knowing why and lets his fingers brush against it. Hinami looks over at him and flashes him another smile. Again, it looks sad and defeated. It’s not a good look for her. Her happy smiles are nicer, better.
“What is it?” she asks, taking his hand in hers, stroking the back of his palm with her thumb.
“Nothing really,” he murmurs. He just feels like touching her, perhaps. He didn’t get to touch her much with his hands tied.
“You should leave before the dorm closes. You might get into trouble for wandering in the girls’ wing,” she says. She gets up and starts to gather the discarded clothes from the floor. “Just stay there. I’ll get your stuff for you.”
“Thanks.” He watches as she bends over to pick them up. The atmosphere is still heavy and awkward, with both of them clearly avoiding the things that there is to talk about. He doesn’t want to think about them too much. It’s best for him to get out of there as soon as possible.
“Your pants are vibrating,” she chuckles, stopping as she holds his jeans. She slides her hand into his pocket and pulls out his phone, which is completely lit. She frowns at the screen. “Oohashi? Who’s that?”
Fuck.
“Just some girl from college,” he says. He sits up. He better get that phone away from her.
“Oh. The call ended, but she’s left a bunch of texts for you,” Hinami says. Ayato doesn’t think she plans to read any of the messages, but it’s probably inevitable that she happens to see some of them. Her eyes widen right as he gets up and he knows immediately that he is fucked. “Ayato, who is this girl and why does she call you baby?”
“She’s a girl from one of my classes,” he says. He reaches over and pulls the phone out of her hands. He tries to keep calm and not panic. Maybe she hadn’t seen everything and he can still get out of this. “She calls everyone baby. It’s a term of endearment for her.”
“She said she’s waiting at your house and is going to give you the best night of your life—”
“Doing projects,” he cuts in. “We agreed to meet to finish up our assignments and you know, it’ll be late so the dorms would close so we decided to meet in my apartment.”
Hinami stares at him for a moment. It’s hard to gauge what she’s thinking from the look she has on her face right now. She doesn’t look shocked, or angry. She doesn’t even look sad— no watery eyes, no trembling lips like there normally would be. She just looks tired.
“Not once have you ever been honest with me, right?” Hinami asks.
“What?”
She nibbles her lips slightly, hands fidgeting with each other as she speaks. “I know I used you and I know I hurt you. I know what we had probably messed you up in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. You’ve had your experiences and I’ve had mine. But the truth is, Ayato, you know everything about me. I’ve never hidden anything from you. I’ve always been honest. I never withheld anything from you that would ever hurt you.”
He takes a moment to consider her words. She must have seen the texts and has figured everything out. Maybe he might still be able to talk his way out of this.
“Hinami, I can explain. Oohashi is—”
“This isn’t just about her,” Hinami cuts in. “From the very beginning, you’ve never been honest with me. You kept a lot of secrets and you never told me anything. Now, you’re trying to lie to me. Is it too hard to say you’re seeing someone else?”
“I thought it’s something no one else needs to know.”
“Not even me? Not even when you just slept with me again?” she asks. He doesn’t say anything; there isn’t anything to say right now. Hinami watches him, probably waiting for an answer. Eventually, she nods and lets out a soft sigh. She holds out his clothes to him. “I understand. Fine. Leave then.”
Her voice remains unwavering. Somehow, it feels like she has given up, like she doesn’t know what else there is for her to do. It’s almost a familiar feeling. When things are crashing down on you and everything is in a mess, all you can do is just wait, watch and let the flow lead you along. It’s what he had been doing all along, following Hinami’s flow, letting her decide the direction they’re heading. But right now, it doesn’t feel that way at all. She’s still; she’s just standing there.
He’s the course that’s pulling her along.
“Do you want me to leave?” he tries asking.
There isn’t a change in her facial expression. “It doesn’t matter what I want.”
He reaches for her. She must have assumed he’s reaching for his clothes as she releases her hold on them when his fingers brush against the fabric. But he doesn’t take them and they fall to the floor; he takes her hand. Hinami makes no attempt to push him away or even to reciprocate the action. She just stands there, watching.
“I want to know what you want,” he says.
“I don’t have a preference.”
“You’re fine if I stay or go?”
Hinami’s silent for a heartbeat and then she sighs, shaking her head. She looks up at him and this time, there is a change in her expression. Her lips tremble, her eyes are watery. “What does it matter? If you stay, you know what we’d end up doing eventually. If I ask you to leave, you’ll just go to someone else.”
“Hinami—”
“I didn’t think I was this replaceable!” she cries out. “You said you love me, but the day after our break up— oh, I’m sorry, our separation— you act as if you’re fine. You’re always laughing with your friends. You’re so happy. You don’t talk to me. You ignore me. It’s like I don’t exist anymore to you. Your sister said you’re not okay and I want to believe that and I almost believed that, especially when you came here today, but a new girlfriend? Ayato, I don’t understand you anymore so do whatever you want— stay or go. I don’t care.”
His sister? When did she talk to Touka? He wants to ask her more about it, but there’s a bigger issue at hand right now.
“You don’t care?” He tugs her closer and she stumbles forward. She doesn’t try to fight him off, not even when he holds her close to him by her shoulders. She simply looks up at him, brows furrowed and probably trying her best to hold her tears in.
“I don’t,” she says.
“Then listen to me. You’re not replaceable, Hinami,” he murmurs honestly.
“So what about that girl?” Hinami asks.
He stops to think for a moment, wondering if he should be honest with her. It’s pathetic. He can’t imagine how he’s going to live peacefully if he ever admits to her that he is doing the same thing that she had been doing— the very thing they broke up over. He can lie to her again. He can come up with an excuse or just keep silent about it as he always does with her.
Not once have you ever been honest with me, right?
Hinami is right when she said that and if he lies to her again, she’ll continue to be right. She will probably be able to tell that he isn’t honest with her again and it’ll just upset her even more. He’s always hated Kaneki for making Hinami miserable, but he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Hinami more despaired than she is in right now. Kaneki might not have been able to return her feelings, but he’s never intentionally hurt her or broke her heart. Ayato did, and he probably owes her some honesty in return.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just wanted to forget you.”
Her eyes go wide. “So you did that?”
“I thought someone else would help me forget you, or at least forget the pain of not having you with me anymore.” He wants to bury himself the moment he sees the change in her expression; it’s so embarrassing to actually say it out loud. She doesn’t say anything initially. She simply stares at him, eyes blinking in what looked like disbelief to him. They stay in that position for a long moment, the heavy silence weighing more and more on him as time goes on. Eventually, he has to break it. “Say something, Hinami. Please.”
And she does. “Do you still love me?” she asks.
“I don’t think I’ll ever stop.” It’s so cheesy. He never thought he could make himself cringe this hard. But it’s true and if Hinami wants him to be honest, he will.
She hesitates for a moment before her hands move, wrapping around his neck and pulling his face closer to hers. “Even right now? Even if I reject you again?” Her voice is softer now, just a whisper, but he hears a tinge of apprehension buried within her.
“Yes.”
“Then, in that case,” she murmurs. She pulls him into a kiss at this moment. It’s gentler this time, no hints of domination or power play. It almost feels loving and perhaps it would be if she actually returned his feelings. She nudges him lightly, urging him to step backwards till he feels the bed against the back of his leg. Hinami pulls away, only to push him to sit on its edge before she crawls onto his lap and starts kissing him again.
She breaks away again and stares at him for a moment. “Do you want to do this?”
“We shouldn’t.”
“You’re right, we shouldn’t,” she says. She grabs the edges of her nightgown and pulls it off her. She isn’t wearing a bra, understandably so since she’s only in her pyjamas. He takes her by her waist, slightly lifting her up before he places her on the bed and crawls over her. He buries his face in the crook of her neck, kissing the skin softly.
“We shouldn’t,” he murmurs again. “We shouldn’t but, fuck. Just for tonight.”
“Just for tonight,” she agrees. She gasps softly as he nips lightly on that one spot he knows so well. He’s grinding his hips against her, rubbing their bodies together. She trembles under him, soft pleas escaping between her parted lips. Her hands are around him, pulling him down and holding him close. “Ayato, please, now.”
She doesn’t want to wait and neither does he. He moves down, pulling her panties off and tossing it aside before he pushes into her. She feels warmer and tighter; she feels closer to him. If the previous time was just them having fun, now there’s not a single hint of it. He’s not having fun, but as he moves inside of her, he feels a small smile on his face.
“Ayato,” Hinami calls softly and he looks up to her face. She’s smiling as well, reaching for him and pulling him in for a kiss again. It’s soft and gentle. Everything feels so simple and satisfying at this moment. It’s hard to think they were both in such messed up situations. Nothing feels complicated anymore, or at least, he doesn’t want to think about them now.
He pulls away from the kiss and rests his forehead on hers. Hinami opens her eyes as well; they’re staring right at each other. He’s able to get a good look of her face now. He can see every lash of her eyes. He can see the different shades of brown in her pupils and the glimmer from the water in her eyes. Her cheeks are shaded in pink. Her brows are furrowed. Beautiful— she’s beautiful.
“I missed you,” he says.
Hinami smiles, so wide that her eyes narrow to little slits, drops of tears falling out from the corners of her eyes. “I’ve missed you too.”
“You were all I could think of.”
“So were you.”
He narrows his eyes at her words. It can’t possibly be true. He’s sure she’d have thought of Kaneki more than him at least. Even at this very moment, she might still be thinking about Kaneki, as she probably always did when they had sex.
“That’s a lie. You thought of him more, didn’t you?” He tries to sound as jokey as he possibly can amidst his pants. He’s getting so close right now. He feels really good; it’s hard to even keep his eyes open to look at her.
“No, I didn’t. I could only— ah,” she chokes out a gasp as she speaks, breaking her statement apart. She shudders under him, squeezing him so tightly that she pulls him over as well. Ayato grits his teeth, wincing as he’s washed over by his climax. His limbs tremble and they give way under him. He’s so exhausted. He had already been tired from the previous time and he doesn’t exactly have the best stamina. He feels like he can barely move right now. He’s lying on her and he feels her arms wrap around his frame, one hand stroking his head gently as the other cradles it. “I didn’t think of Big Brother at all. I only thought of you.”
He’d had responded had he been more awake. But his eyelids are drooping. He hears her words but they feel distant and surreal, as if it’s all part of a dream. He can’t exactly make sense of them. They’re words; he knows what they mean individually. But what does she mean? He’s too tired to think, to sleepy to bother with this. He closes his eyes and it doesn’t feel like it’s going to take much for him to let go.
He feels movements and even with his eyes close, he can tell he’s on the bed now. She’s still holding him; he still feels warm. She’s still stroking him.
“Sweet dreams, Ayato.”
She wakes up when she feels movement, though it takes awhile for her sight to clear up and for her to orientate herself. Ayato is sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing his neck. His back is turned to her. The bed is so small that they’d been so close to each other. It’s almost impossible for him not to have woken her up from getting up.
Hinami watches in silent as Ayato stands up, stretching a little. He looks around him before he bends down and starts picking up his clothes.
“Are you leaving?” she asks.
Ayato turns to her, almost surprised to see her up. “Yeah. I should go. It’s way past midnight.”
“If you get seen here, you might get into trouble,” she says. “Boys aren’t allowed in the girls’ wing at this time of the day.”
He grimaces. “What a stupid rule.”
“It is. But you’d get into deep trouble if you’re caught,” she admits. She reaches an arm out to him. “Just come back to bed.”
“Very well,” he sighs. He gets up and turns to crawl onto her bed, only to pause when his eyes seem to have been caught by something on her side table. He stares at it for a moment before he reaches forward and Hinami watches him pick her book up.
“King Bileygr,” he murmurs.
“I was just reading it awhile ago. It’s one of my favorite books,” she says, sitting up.
He stares at it for a moment before he looks over to her. “How does it end? Did the revolution succeed?”
“You’ve read the book too?” She’s surprised. She’s never known him to be much of a reader.
“Ah, someone happened to mention it passingly to me and I was wondering how it ends,” he explains.
“Oh, I see. The revolution succeeds, but not in the way you think it would,” Hinami admits. “They get what they want, but sometimes, you still question if it’s a happy ending.”
“It’s not a happy ending, then?”
“It is a realistic one, I suppose,” she muses. “Some people get what they want. Some didn’t. Some end up forgotten. Even in the new world, there is pain and heartbreak.”
“That’s depressing.” Ayato places the book down on the table and crawls into bed, lying down and pulling her down with him.
“Do you like happy endings, Ayato?” she asks and all she gets is a shrug in return. They lie in silence again and she supposes she should try to go back to sleep. But sleep doesn’t come to her and even though she isn’t facing him, she can tell that Ayato isn’t falling asleep either.
“So, Ayato, did you sleep with anyone else recently?” she asks, making small talk since there’s nothing else to talk about. The question had been burning in her mind since she saw his girlfriend’s messages just now. He had no issues sleeping with her just now so she won’t put it past him to be sleeping with more than one person at the same time.
“Not really,” he admits. “It’s just her.”
“Not even Rio?”
Ayato stiffens and Hinami feels her heart drop, not just at the thought of him sleeping with yet another person but also at the thought he lied to her again. She doesn’t have the right to dictate who he’s sleeping with now, not especially when they’re already living apart, but she has every right to be upset at his lies. It hurts to think he’s still lying to her, even after she had asked him to be honest with her.
She gets up and turns to him, staring down at him. “So you are sleeping with him.”
Ayato blinks at her before he gets up urgently as well, staring at her in confusion. “What made you bring Rio up?”
“Tomoe mentioned that there were rumors about the two of you doing it in high school and I saw you with Rio the other day,” she admits.
“Rio’s one of my closest friends so of course you’ll see us hanging out together,” Ayato snaps. “That doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with him. I hang out with Naki, Miza and the guys more than I do with him. You’re not suggesting I fuck all of them, do you?”
“No! I mean there were rumors about you and Rio so I just wondered,” Hinami admits. “So the two of you never did anything, right?”
“Yeah, about that…” His voice trails off and he looks away, rubbing his chin lightly. He seems hesitant and she knows that— again— he has something he’s hiding and that he’s debating if he should be honest with her. He and Rio probably did it.
“Ayato?”
“We didn’t do anything recently, at least,” he says frankly. He turns to her again. Hinami doesn’t know what kind of expression she has on right now but whatever it is, it is enough to send Ayato into a panic. He raises his hands up and waves them in denial, completely shifting his body so that he’s turned to her. “It’s not like that, really! Listen, that was a long time ago!”
“A long time ago?”
“Yeah! Like back in high school— first year of high school, that is!”
“I thought you said you had a crush on me in high school. But you slept with someone else still. Is that it?” she asks. She doesn’t really feel anger or disappointment right now, but she is curious and partly confused. Ayato must have the wrong idea though. It does seem like he’s freaking out. He probably thinks that he must have upset her more.
“It’s just sex, but no, I hadn’t liked you yet. It was still very early on in high school and we were just messing around,” Ayato explains.
“Was that how you lost your virginity?”
“Well, I guess,” he admits.
“Did it hurt?”
“Yeah, I mean, it was the first time and Rio’s a dumb idiot.”
“Oh, so you were on the bottom, then.”
Ayato falls silent and she watches him pale initially, before his cheeks redden, the blush rising up to his ears and down his neck. “Yes. Yes, I was.” He’s so cute. She amuses herself with watching him try his very best to calm himself down, only for the blush to redden even more. He slaps his hands onto his face, covering it entirely. “Stop looking at me like that! Stop it!”
“I’m sorry,” Hinami laughs. “It’s just really cute.”
“I’m not cute!” He peeks out from his hand and glares at her, though it’s simply more amusing.
“Okay, okay, fine.” She gives in, but she continues to laugh anyway. Ayato drops his hands, staring at her with a scowl still on his face. He turns away and crosses his arms.
“Well, is that all you wanted to know?” he grumbles. “Rio and I were just messing around. I had a thing for him in middle school, I guess, but he never liked me back.”
“But what about him saying that he’d take on your last name?” Hinami asks.
Ayato’s brows furrow. “He said he’d take on my surname? Are you sure he mentioned me?”
“No, Tomoe said he said he’s take on the name Kirishima. I just assumed he meant you.”
“Ah, that.” Ayato sighs. He rubs the back of his neck, looking upwards as he smiles a little sheepishly. “You see, he liked my sister back then, or maybe even till now.”
“Touka?”
“Yeah, he liked Touka so that’s probably what he meant by it,” Ayato laughs dryly. “My luck is amazing. My first crush has a thing for my sister and my first love is in love with my brother-in-law. I must have fucked up pretty badly in a previous life or something.”
“I’m sorry.” Her apology comes almost instinctively, though she doubts it actually means anything. She has apologised to him countless of times already— I’m sorry I keep using you, I’m sorry I don’t love you, I’m sorry I love him, I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you want me to. She’s always said it so simply to him. She never really knew how messed up everything is until Touka laid everything out. Right now, she wants to apologize properly. After tonight, they may never talk again. She might never get the chance to be honest again. Even though she’s technically not at fault— this whole thing was still his idea— she wants to apologize for the times she did hurt him, even if it was unintentional.
Ayato shrugs off her initial apology. She moves closer to him and places her hand on his arm. “I’m sorry, Ayato. It must have been hard. You were always with me and all I ever talked about was Big Brother, even though he’s the person who hurt you.”
“What are you going on about?” he mutters. “I already told you before. It’s fine. You apologised before and you don’t have to do it again.”
“I didn’t know everything back then,” she admits. “I saw your sister the day before yesterday. She told me everything.”
“Oh, she did, did she? Stupid sister,” he curses. Hinami sees him looking at her from the corner of his eyes. He raises an eyebrow. “So? What did she tell you?”
“Everything, I think.”
“Everything?”
“She told me about the accident and about how Big Brother—”
“She told you that?” Ayato cries out, interrupting her. “I told her not to tell you that, no matter what!”
“But I wanted to know as well.”
“You don’t need to know all that! For fuck’s sake Hinami, I bet you feel pretty fucking terrible right now,” he snaps. Before she can really reply, he continues talking, sounding more annoyed than he was a moment ago. “Listen, forget everything that woman told you. It’s nonsense. None of that happened and there’s nothing that you have to feel terrible about. Kaneki didn’t do anything wrong. It was just an accident. Nothing was his fault. It doesn’t bother me that you love him or anything. I don’t give a fuck about all that— Hey, what are you doing?”
He stops his rambling, his voice taking on a more shaky tone, as she reaches out and lightly caresses his thigh. Ayato gave up soccer after the accident. He probably can’t play anymore because of how badly he must have gotten injured. That must have been the reason he studied hard to enter college; he couldn’t enter the sports school of his choice because he got hurt. Her previous assumption had been wrong.
“You didn’t have a choice in giving up soccer, did you?” she asks.
“No, I didn’t.” He sounds wary in his reply, probably still trying to keep as much as he can from her. Maybe in his own way, he is trying to protect her, to stop her from feeling so terrible about herself. Even if he thinks it’s for the best, she doesn’t think so at all.
“Is that why you worked so hard to come to Kamii? Since you can’t get what you wanted, you decided to do what your father wanted of you,” she continues. Ayato remains silent, eyes fixed on her hand on his leg. It doesn’t seem like he had any intention of talking about it. He might want her to drop it, but she’s tired of being kept in the dark and being fed half-truths. She wants to know everything. She’s already so deeply involved in their mess. She can’t back out now. “Tell me, Ayato. Tell me what happened. Please.”
“Why do you want to know?” It’s all he says. He doesn’t even look at her when he says it, though she would prefer if he does. Hinami lightly grabs his chin, turning him to face her. Ayato’s eyes widen a little, staring at her in slight suspicion. “What?”
“We’ve always talked about me. For once, I want to talk about you,” she says. “If tonight is our last night together, then at least let us end it on an equal footing. Can’t you be honest with me just for this moment?”
She can tell he’s considering her words as he stares at her. There’s a lot of hesitation on his part before he slowly nods his head and relents. “Fine, what do you want to know?”
“You came here because of that, right?”
“Yes. Yes, I did. After the accident, when I realised I can’t play soccer anymore, I didn’t know what to do. I thought, since Dad died like that, because of me, the least I can do is try to live up to his dream, so I wanted to make it to Kamii. But my grades weren’t good enough. Because of soccer, I hadn’t focused on my studies much and you know how hard it is to make it in here.”
“But you managed to, didn’t you?”
Ayato smiles a little— a sad, yet cheeky grin— and nods. “Yeah, because of you.”
“Me? What did I do?”
“Don’t you remember? At the end of high school you tutored me. You remember that, right?” His eyes are wide again.
“I didn’t tutor you. We just studied together a lot, didn’t we?” she says. She tries to think back to back then. She can’t remember what exactly had happened or how things led up to that, but she’s sure she spend her last months in high school with him a lot. They hung out together and studied with each other. It’s the reason why they had gotten close as friends, even though their third year was the only year they weren’t in the same class in school. It’s because of how close they were then that they ended up being close in college, that she agreed to follow him to that party that night and that they had gotten so drunk that the first night leading to everything else had happened.
“You did tutor me!” he argued. “I was an idiot and I had too many questions. You answered all of them for me and explained it so clearly I got everything really fast.”
“I don’t remember it that clearly, I’m sorry. But I’m glad I managed to help out.”
“You didn’t just help me. You saved me. When I didn’t know what to do and when I almost gave up, it’s because you were there that I had a little hope. I didn’t think I could make it to Kamii, I couldn’t play soccer. I didn’t know what to do. Dad was dead and I couldn’t bear to look at Touka or Kaneki. You gave me a shot at something,” he continues. He turns away, the blush returning back to his cheeks. “Though I don’t know if it’s worth it. I might have gotten to Kamii, but after this, what do I do? I only knew soccer and I wanted to make that my career. I’m not really interested in anything else.”
“You can still make it your career,” Hinami points out. His words are slowly weighing in. It does feel good, knowing that she’s at least done something good for him. It makes her feel less terrible about all the pain she’s put him through. Ayato’s looking at her now, his doubts over her precious statement apparent all over his face. She simply smiles in return. “You can’t play it but there’s so many sports-related job out there. You could be a reporter or an analyst. There’s so many possibilities.”
He’s silent as she spoke, his expression blank. It takes a couple of heartbeats before she sees a slow smile bloom on his face. He grabs her by the hand and pulls her to him, onto his lap. Her hands hold onto his shoulders to stable herself after the sudden movement. He’s looking up at her, grinning.
“You’re right. I never thought of that before. Fuck, I really never thought of that,” he says. “You just keep giving me reasons to love you.”
He pulls her into a kiss. She’s still somewhat confused. She hadn’t really completely thought about his admissions earlier on. What he told her about his life, about her, is still fresh in her mind. He isn’t giving her the chance to really think about what he’s said, not when he breaks apart from their kiss only to continue kissing down to her neck, attacking the sensitive spots he knows so well.
“Ayato, wait,” she gasps. “Slow down.”
“You don’t understand,” he murmurs against her skin. Even as the air around them is somewhat cold, his breath is warm. Her skin tingles as it brushes past her, only to burn up more when he presses his lips against her. “You don’t get just how much you’ve done for me. God, I fucking love you.”
He’s nibbling on her skin, probably leaving marks on her just like she had done on him earlier on. Her mind spins from the way he’s touching her. She’s wet again. She wants him inside again. But Ayato clearly has no plans to rush this. He pushes her on the bed and continues kissing and sucking her skin, leaving cool, wet spots around randomly. She can feel his desperation from the way he touches her. She can tell how much he longs for her and how begin this close to her is all that he really wants. She has never understood it, even though it’s always been there.
“Ayato, you never told me before,” she manages to say amidst her gasps and moans. “Why did you fall for me?”
“I just told you less than five minutes ago.”
Five minutes ago. She tries her best to remember what he had just told her. It’s hard to think when he’s touching her like that and making her feel so good. Her mind is already in a mess, falling apart more and more every time his lips brush against her now-sensitive skin. Part of her just wants to forget about the conversation, to just focus on how good he’s making her feel. But she still wants to know. She wants to know everything about him, everything he hadn’t told her before. Now is the only chance she has. So no matter how hard she wants to give up, she doesn’t. She forces herself to recall.
“Wait,” she cries out softly, trying to push him away. Ayato raises his head, fixing her with a partly annoyed glare “You fell for me because I tutored you?”
“Don’t make it sound so dumb,” he scoffs. “Like I said, you gave me a chance when I thought all hope was lost. When I felt alone and depressed back then, it was you who was beside it.”
“I didn’t mean it to be that way. I just thought we were studying,” she admits.
“Well it meant more to me.” He almost sounds childish, scoffing at her like this. But he’s still smiling and that puts her at ease a little. He’s being open and honest and there doesn’t seem to be anything making him uncomfortable. It’s almost like he’s trusting her with what’s always been locked deep inside. She feels his hand on her cheek, lightly stroking her. “It might have been trivial to you, but to me, it meant a lot, which is why I told myself that if there comes a time where you would need me by your side, I would be there for you.”
“Which is what you did.”
“Yeah, which is what I did,” he agrees. He grimaces slightly and lets out a dry laugh. “Well, I didn’t think it would turn out to be this messed up.”
They both fall silent, a slight awkwardness hanging in the air. The atmosphere is heavy. Knowing Ayato’s motivations and past doesn’t really help Hinami feel any better about herself. It’s impossible to really blame herself for it. She didn’t actually do anything wrong. It was Ayato’s idea and she had agreed. She might not have done something wrong, but she did give him a difficult time and perhaps, it is really for the best that they end things here.
But as they had agreed, just for tonight, it will be different.
She pushes him down and gets on top of him, immediately jumping right into it. Ayato pulls her along, his hands resting on her hips to help her movements. She doesn’t think she’ll ever get tired of this feeling— him, buried deep inside her. She loves they way it feels whenever he moves in her. She loves the way he pants her name out in broken syllabuses as the pleasure starts to take over. Every moment they spend together like this is precious. She doesn’t think anyone, not even Kaneki, has ever made her feel this satisfied and relaxed. Maybe it’s because she’s never done this with Kaneki before or maybe it’s because she knows she doesn’t have to worry about anything if she’s doing it with Ayato. There’s so many reasons that she can come up with to explain the ecstasy that surges through her. But the fact that this night is their last remains. The moment morning arrives, the moment Ayato steps out the door, this will come to an end for good.
“I don’t want this night to end,” she breathes out.
He sits up, hugging her body to his and nestling his head against her neck, hands still assisting her movements. He gives her a soft kiss. “Me too.”
He feels the same way. The thought gives her a slight hope. Maybe there’s something else that can be done. Maybe there’s still a chance. Maybe there’s another way.
He finishes inside of her with a choke cry of her name, with her following right after. Ayato falls back to lie on the bed, pulling her along with him. He holds her tight as she lies on top of him, completely enveloped by his arms. Ayato’s hold is warm and comfortable. She doesn’t feel alone when he’s around. She feels happy. She feels safe. Hinami raises her head slightly and Ayato looks down to her, their eyes meeting.
“Do we have to end this?” she asks. She knows the answer, but she gives it a shot anyway.
“You don’t want to end it, huh?” he sighs thoughtfully. “Why does it matter so much to you? I’m just a fuck buddy to you, aren’t I? It’s not like this is anything special.”
He’s wrong. He’s more than that. He is special.
“Once you’re gone, I don’t know what to do. You’re the closest person I have,” she admits. She remembers what she told Kaneki all those months ago— I have one really important person and I think he’s enough for me.
“That’s not true. You have friends. Tomoe has been really worried about you,” Ayato says.
“Tomoe is a friend, but she’s different from you. I can’t tell her all of these. When you’re gone, it feels like I will be alone again.”
“You won’t be alone,” he says sternly. He frowns slightly, takes a deep breath and continues talking. “Look, one day, someone amazing will come into your life. They’ll sweep you off your feet and they’ll love you deeply as well. That person will make you forget all about Kaneki. When they come, trust me, you will be happy and you’ll never be alone again. So even if it might be hard, you have to stay strong and wait till that person comes, okay?”
“Fine,” she huffs. Ayato chuckles softly and he lightly strokes her hair, watching her with soft eyes. He’s looking at her that way again. Whenever he has that expression, she feels soft and weak inside. It feels as if he’s looking at the most important thing in his life, as if he’s looking at the brightest ray of sunshine in the darkest of forests. Maybe she might be that important to him, but he deserves better. He deserves someone who looks at him this way as well, someone who treats him as well as he’d treat them.
“One day,” she says, choking, “you’ll find that someone too. For yourself.”
She wants him to find his happiness, yet the thought of him finding happiness with someone else makes her uneasy. She closes her eyes and rests against his chest. She pictures him with another woman, living together, starting a family and finding their own happiness. She pictures him living a life without her, without even thinking about her, and she almost feels like crying.
“I don’t think there’ll be anyone else out there for me,” Ayato laughs.
She lets out a sigh of relief in her mind, as selfish as it might seem. She looks up at him again, somewhat doubtful. “Are you sure?”
He grins. “Yeah. You’re the only one for me, Hinami. If I can’t have you then…” He pauses, taking a deep breath. Hinami watches him, anticipating his words. “If I can’t have you then, I’ll have to live with it.”
She almost wishes he had said something a lot different. She’s read a thousand romance books and she’s seen all kinds of boyfriends and lovers. It’s completely out of Ayato’s character, but she imagines him saying a different line and she can’t help the tremble that runs through her.
“If I can’t have you then, no one else will,” he says in her fantasy.
Of course, he never would say that. Ayato isn’t the possessive kind, especially not of someone that isn’t even his.
“Ayato?” she calls out softly.
“Yeah?”
“Tonight is our last night, right?”
“Yeah.”
She gets up, straddling him again, and cups his face. They’re merely centimetres apart— so close she can feel his hot breath on her. “Then can I pleasure you over and over again?”
A cheeky grin surfaces on his face. “Of course.”
“Good. How many more rounds can you go?”
Leaving Hinami is easier said than done. When he wakes up, he doesn’t immediately leave. He lies still in her bed, holding her close without saying a single thing. As long as he doesn’t get up, whatever they have won’t end. As long as he’s holding her, she’s still there by his side. He knows that Hinami is up as well. She wakes up much earlier than him normally. He wonders if she’s thinking the same thing. As long as he doesn’t leave, this will not end.
Eventually it starts getting much brighter and he knows that it’s already late in the morning. He has to go. He can’t procrastinate any longer.
But when he gets up, he’s immediately pulled down into a deep kiss.
“Just one kiss,” she murmurs against his lips before she kisses him again.
The next thing he knows, they’re making out, and then, he’s inside of her again. This is their last time. The thought plays over and over again in his mind as he fucks so deep into her that she’s mewling and crying at the top of her lungs. Her neighbours can probably hear her right now, but she doesn’t seem to care and Ayato can’t too.
He gets up after he comes, even though his body protests and asks him to rest a little. Temptations are too strong. He has kept giving in. He can’t let it happen again. He gets up, pulls on his clothes and grabs his bag, almost forgetting the actual reason he came here— her paper.
“I’ll just put this here,” he says. He drops it on the table and starts to head to the door.
“Ayato,” she calls out. “Wait.”
He’s right at the door. He can still leave. Yet he stops and turns around. She walks over to him and stops right in front of him. She winds her arms around him and, while standing on tiptoes, kisses him again. Fuck it. He kisses her back, hard and forceful, spinning her around to push her against the door.
The last time. This is our last time.
He can’t resist her. He can’t stop himself. Hinami is undoing his pants as they kiss and the moment they’re undone, he hoists her up and enters her. Her legs wind around his waist as he fucks her against the door. He doesn’t last long this time, but he lasts long enough to bring her to another orgasm. They’re both spent by now. It’s not like they really had a good sleep last night. He’s tempted to carry her to bed and climb in again, to sleep with her longer. But god knows what they’ll do if he brings her back to bed.
He needs to stop. Every time he tells himself this, he just ends up fucking her. As long as he’s in her room with her, as long as they’re alone, he will end up giving in.
Ayato puts her down and adjusts his clothes, before opening the door slightly and slipping out. This is the only thing he can do to put a full stop to it all.
“I’ll go now. Thank you for everything. I’ll see you soon.”
He closes the door before she’s able to give a response. It’s the only way. He’ll go back home now, back to Oohashi and back to his Hinami-less life. He’ll have to treat the previous night as simply nothing more than a good dream. It’s easier to pretend it never happen than to go on with the thought that he had given up half way through their separation and fucked her too man times to count in one night.
“Where were you last night?” Oohashi asks the moment he walks into his apartment. She’s in the kitchen, washing a plate. He watches her and while it hadn’t bothered him as much as it should have last night, the guilt starts crashing down on him. She’s his girlfriend, yet he had slept with someone else.
“I met a friend for a project. Then we lost track of time and I ended up sleeping over,” he lies. Oohashi studies him and for a moment, he wonders if she’s able to see through his lie. A couple of moments later, she shrugs and turns away.
“Well, that’s college for you, I suppose,” she muses. Perhaps dating an older woman has its benefits as well.
He watches her for a moment and starts wondering again why he even got into a relationship with her. He might have tried to use her to forget Hinami, but that hadn’t worked at all. Sleeping with her hadn’t made him feel any better. It had only made him long for Hinami even more. Oohashi feels different from her. It’s not the same feeling he had been craving for all these while. Last night, he had managed to feel it again and right now, immediately after that, he doesn’t think he’d be able to take sleeping with someone else. It will just disgust him even more.
“Oohashi, I’m sorry,” he says and she looks over with a curious expression. “I can’t do this anymore. Let’s end this.”
She doesn’t react much. She remains silent, considering what he told her. Ayato doesn’t wait for her response. His decision is final. He doesn’t need to keep clinging on to someone. He doesn’t need to make the same mistake Hinami did, especially not when he had ended things with her for this very reason. He remembers what he had told Hinami— someday, someone will come— and Hinami had said the same thing to him. Someday, someone will come. He recites it in his head a couple of times. Someday, someone will come. That person is not Oohashi and as much as he wishes for it, that person will never be Hinami.
He’d been living his life constantly clinging to the hope that one day, maybe she will turn around. One day, she might fall for him. Perhaps even during the course of this entire separation, he’s been waiting for her to suddenly show up one day and to tell him that she wants him back. She never did that. It’s him who went to her last night. Maybe he really was all she could think about this month, but he doesn’t want to keep his hopes up. There’s a lot of reasons why this could have happened— he hurt her that much or maybe she was just lusting for him. The idea that she might have fallen for him surfaces in his mind, but he discards it immediately. He needs to accept the fact that she will never fall for him. As long as a slight hint of hope exists deep within him, he will always cling to her. Last night will continue to happen.
“What’s gotten into you?” He hadn’t noticed Oohashi coming up to him until she speaks. She climbs onto his lap, kissing him slightly before she nuzzles into his neck. Her fingers fiddle with his jacket, pushing it off his shoulders. “Did something happen? You’re acting weird. If there is anything wrong, you can tell me—” She stops, cutting herself off as she sits up. Her eyes widen, before her brows furrow. She tugs on the collar of his t-shirt, trying to unveil more skin.
“What are you doing?” he sighs.
“What are these marks on your neck?” she asks.
He glances down. It’s hard for him to see from that angle, but he could make out some lightly bruising on his skin. He brings a hand to it, lightly rubbing it. Hinami had left a ton of hickeys all over his body. If Oohashi sees them, he won’t know how to explain. The thought had surfaced in his mind then, but he had forgotten about it almost instantly.
“It’s nothing,” he says.
Oohashi frowns and then stands up. “You were sleeping with someone else last night, weren’t you?”
He has no reason to lie, especially since he’s ending things with her anyway. “Yes, I was.”
“I shouldn’t have expected anything from you, I suppose,” she sighs. “You cheated on that girl, didn’t you?”
He isn’t in the mood to argue. He simply shrugs.
“Was it her you went to see last night?”
“Yeah.”
“So, were you cheating on me last night or were you cheating on her this entire time with me?” she asks. There’s some truth to the question, he supposes. Oohashi probably would be suspicious.
“I didn’t cheat on her.”
“Well, whatever. I’m leaving,” she mutters. She starts to walk off and then she stops, looking over at him. “You know, me aside, you really shouldn’t break that girl’s heart. She seemed like a good girl who genuinely loves you.”
He almost laughs out loud.
A/N: Firstly, I know you guys like sex scenes but I decided to cut out the sub Ayato scene. Again. I’m sorry, I do enjoy writing it and I had written it partly but it was the last scene I worked on and I was so tired I decided to skip it. I also thought the scene itself didn’t match with the whole mood of the chapter so cutting it actually did the story a favor. Maybe I’d do a .5 chapter for it one day, but not so soon. I do want to finish the 2 next chapters and the epilogue as soon as I can.
I’m too sleepy so I leave you all with this. Thank you for all your support and your sweet comments. I read all of them-- the rbs, the tags and the replies. I’m sorry I didn’t reply to you guys but I love them all. Thank you so much.
Once again, please please do reblog if you like this! It’ll really help me out. Feel free to leave comments in the tags/ reblogs/ replies or through asks!
#tg#tokyo ghoul#ayahina#kirishima ayato#fueguchi hinami#i think i'll skip tagging the other characters though#tg fanfic#far writes stuff#my fic: shattered
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This guide is intended to mentally prepare you for returning to college after being away for a few months to around a couple of years. I have been away for less than a year, but I was not intending to return so soon. I felt I really needed to change my mindset and so I created this list as I came up with each item.
Disclaimer: This is not an all-inclusive guide meant to prepare people who have been away from college for many years! (Though it could still help you.) This list is just my own way of getting myself ready and I thought it could help someone else if I shared it.
Begin to prepare 1.5 to 1 months before your classes start. (Of course, you can start earlier or later; I personally started ~one month before.) Let’s jump right in!
Look up your professors! In my case, I had to sign up for four specific classes; they are prerequisites to the program I am applying to. I’m also attending a small school, so I didn’t really have many choices when it came to professors or class times. However I did the following:
Ask people you trust who know about your school (as students, as instructors) for recommendations.
Look up professors on ratemyprofessors.com.
By doing this I was able to grasp a general idea of my professors. This helps in choosing your classes (if you have the choice) and in getting an idea of what to expect once classes start.
Download/find a planner. This is extremely useful in the long term. I have found that I do not work well with physical planners! No matter how much I love the idea of bullet journalling, I just cannot keep up with it. Instead, a digital planner works wonders for me. I can’t decorate it, but it syncs across my phone and computer, sends me reminders for upcoming homework deadlines, I can input my grades, and it also shows my calendar events! It’s just a really inclusive planner that I recommend to anyone who finds that digital planners work for them.
I personally use iStudiez Pro (iOS $2.99 USD, MacOS $9.99 USD)
It’s not free, but I’ve also never had to spend money on a planner since I got them almost 5 years ago
Textbooks/class materials. I mentioned this in a previous post! In the past, I have emailed my professors to confirm the required texts/materials for class around one month before classes start. I love to be prepared ahead of time and professors usually reply! I tried this on my professors in my new school and only one has replied in the whole month since I sent my emails. If your emails are left with no response, just wait till the first day of class like many other studyblrs recommend!
TIP: Compare pricing across websites for your textbooks/required materials on slugbooks.com!
School email. Make sure you use your (correct) school email when communicating with your school and professors. Have easy access to this email by setting it up on your phone and turning notifications for it ON!
Class locations. Physically go to campus and figure out where your classes are located and how long it takes you to get there. I used to roll out of bed and walk to class, but now I have to ~commute~ to my new college which will definitely take some adjusting to. This includes taking the weather, traffic, and unexpected events/other traffic impediments into account!
First week of school supplies: 2 pens, 2 pencils, eraser, highlighter, folder, notepad, water bottle, snack, practical bag/backpack, umbrella, computer, phone, computer/phone charger, headphones
After you get a grasp of what you need in your specific classes, adjust this list accordingly
Be aware of the weather. I just mentioned this, but also be aware of the weather on campus (it might be different where you live).
No matter the season, bring a sweater in case the classroom is cold!
Be early to get good seats. I’m super conscious of where I sit in a classroom, so I want to be early during the first weeks to almost guarantee I get the seat I want. Be aware this could change due to in-class projects, etc.
Fix your sleep schedule. Christmas and New Year’s messed up my sleep schedule and I had a hard time fixing my sleep cycle. (I’m still working on it and classes start on Monday.) To fix my schedule, I have been exercising during the evenings to make myself tired by the nighttime. And if I wake early, I make sure I stay up by getting out of bed. Regardless, I am always nervous before a new semester and I have a hard time sleeping the night before the first few days. Fixing your sleep schedule is nevertheless crucial to making your semester more successful!
It has been a month since I started compiling this list. This is everything I have done to prepare myself for college (again). It’s very general and unique to my experiences. If you have any additional tips, please feel free to leave them in the comments or add them in your reblog!
#bysemperdiscens#studyblr#langblr#study tips#college#university#college tips#uni tips#uni#college advice#emmastudies#college help#study help#college resources#resources#studyquill#journalsanctuary#studyspiration#study ideas#studyspo#study motivation#heyreese#academiix
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FAQ and Guidelines
Do’s and Don’ts Fanfiction Addition
1. About until-theend-oftheline
Sideblog for Marvel Content
This is a sideblog. Follows and likes and replies will come from my main blog @thing-you-do-with-that-thing. My main blog is mainly SPN content but you’ll see none of that here. This blog is marvel only and maybe an occasional personal post.
Positivity and Zero Hate Tolerance
I DO NOT tolerate hate of any kind towards any actors, spouses (girlfriends or exes either) or characters. Yes, there are actors and characters I dislike but I’ll spew no hate and I’ll not tolerate you do so on posts coming off my blog either. No, I am not willing to tell you who I dislike since that always bring debate and hate with it.
Discussions are welcome, but hate is not. If you sent me hate I will block you. If you hate on the actors or their s/os on my positive posts or send it to my inbox I will block you. If you feel it is okay to send the actors or their family hate on twitter or Instagram you aren’t welcome on my blog either. We don’t have to share an opinion to be friendly, but there is behavior I just simply won’t tolerate.
Any character hate will make me unfollow you and if it ends up in my inbox or on my posts I will block you.
I also don’t tolerate Starker on my dash or any other ships that encourage child abuse - I will unfollow, report and block you if I see it.
Zero Hate Tolerance for my followers as well
Any race, gender, and sexual orientation are welcome to on my blog. You’ll see no hate towards anyone here. If I ever call people out it is based on opinions and behavior - never skin color, gender, religion or who they do or do not sleep with.
That being said I myself am a cis white bi female. I try and make my readers fairly neutral but often they fall into the cis women category. I try and not show race though (unless I have a specific reason too in the plot) and my sexual orientation show in me writing both m/m, f/f, f/m, and poly fics.
Original Content
I am a fanfic writer. I write reader inserts for characters and actors in the MCU fandom. I write mainly write reader inserts but I write ships also. I write both rpf and character fics.
There are ships I don’t write or read but again the blog is hate free (I got zero tolerance for underage ships though). Otherwise, Ship and let sail.
Every fic is tagged what it is and only what it is. Everything I write doesn’t have to be your cuppa tea to follow me. Just don’t be a dick about it and we’ll get along nicely.
I write FICTION. Which means the few times I’ll write a rpf ship it’s just that! I don’t think Chris and Seb are getting it on while we aren’t looking. It is all in good fun and I treat the actors and characters with respect in my fics. My fics hurt no one and I am under no illusions I write REAL PEOPLE, I write my perception of who they are and sometimes a fun fantasy of what could be.
Aside from my writing, I create Aesthetics and Icons - which I have heaps of fun with but my blog is mainly a fanfiction and fangirling blog ;)
2. How to Navigate the Blog
In my bio to the left, you can read what this blog is all about. There is a link to my FAQ which you are currently reading. There is a link to my masterlist, my taglists (where you can add yourself and read the rules that go along with being tagged) and a link to my main blog.
Further to the left, you find Talk to Me where you can send me asks about anything you'd like. And a list of Kari's Reading Lists which is MCU fic recs from yours truly. Go read and send the authors some loving.
I tag pretty carefully, so if there is something or someone you wanna blacklist - just let me know and I will tell you the tag or create one. I won’t be offended.
3. Who do you write for?
So far mainly Steve, Bucky and Stucky x Reader along with Seb and Chris x reader.
I write a bunch of the other character too but not as often. I am open to expanding to both more ships, rpf, and characters in the future - including Hardy/Eddie Brock and Reynolds/Wade Wilson.
I sometimes write for some of the actor's other characters as well, but that is rarer.
4. What genres do you write?
I mainly write Angst and fluff. A crack fic sneaks in at times and smut occurs in some fics - mostly series, but rarely. I don’t write porn without plot anymore but if the plot calls for it my characters can have fun. Everything is tagged and warned for.
5. A SFW blog with NSFW content
All smut/porn on my blog is tagged and warned for. Original content and not.
6. Requests and Posting Schedule
I don’t have a set posting schedule.
My requests are closed and they won’t open for real. Sometimes I take ideas for bingo cards or I take requests for preferences, headcanons or aesthetics BUT one shot and series I won’t open my requests for again. I simply got too many ideas of my own. Sorry.
7. Do you tag people in your fics?
Yes. Feel free to take a peek at the list and put you on any open tag lists you would like. You can find the link here. The way I set up the doc (because people kept messing with the format and taking people other than themselves off) you need to be on a computer to work it. Sorry.
If you are interested you can turn on notifications for my side blog: Kari-Writes-Fandoms - all my writing will be reblogged to it and it will only hold my original content. That being said my SPN writing is also reblogged there but you can just ignore what you don’t wanna see - I haven’t written anything SPN in a while anyway.
8. Can I tag you in my fics?
You can tag me in any genre you like. It’s not a guarantee I read it. I’ll try and read as much as I can but I got a life.
I won’t read your fic if it has no warnings. There are things that angers or makes me feel bad and I won’t be surprised by them.
It’s also not a guarantee I’ll put you on Kari’s Reading List. Only my very favorite things go on that list.
DON’T TAG ME IN NOT MENTIONED PAIRINGS!
Characters x Reader I read: Bucky, Steve, Tony, Sam, Clint, Wanda, Valkyrie, Nat, Thor. And even if they aren’t MCU - Wade Wilson and Eddie Brock (no monster porn with Venom though please)
RPF x Reader: Evans, Hemsworth, Tom Hardy, Hiddles and Sebastian (RPF Ships as poly only: Elsa x Chris x Reader and Evanstan x Reader)
Ships (all solo or as poly with reader): Stucky, Winterhawk, Winterwidow, Winterwitch, SteveSam, Cap3, Winterfalcon, Clintasha and Steggy.
If your fic contains hate against any spouses or former girlfriends or current S/Os don’t tag me. If your fic contains hate towards any actors, don’t tag me. If your fic contains non con, dub con, mommy kink, daddy kink, underage smut or incest in any shape or form (I count Thorki) please don’t tag me. Don’t tag me in A/B/O either it is not my thing. No BDSM, choking or tying him or his partner up for Bucky either!
FAQ
1. I sent you chainmail - why didn’t you answer?
Honestly, they are a huge pet peeve of mine. I don’t answer nor do I sent them to anyone else. I delete them as soon as I get them. Thank you for thinking of me but save it for someone else. I much rather you send me something you wrote or a heart or something.
2. How old are you?
So many... I was born August 26th, 1987
3. I got another question. Can I ask?
Sure my asks are always open. Just remember to be polite and I will be the same :)
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HOW I RUN MY BLOG
SPEED:
my god i am slow. i am the slowest of the slow - the slowest slow to ever BE slow. i have threads in here from two months ago and asks from three months ago and it’s not that i don’t have the will nor the muse to answer any of it tbh. it’s more so that i just don’t have time. between juggling work, friends, family and the additional need of trying to make up my overtime hours for the dates i’ll be overseas in august and october, it’s been more than a little difficult to try to keep everything afloat. that’s one of my issues.
my second issue is that i... tend to try to write in depth threads and responses, as much as possible; and i’m a perfectionist of my work to the worst degree. to the point that if i don’t have the right idea or the right flow of words at the time - my work is not getting posted. at all. in fact, i’d likely rather delete something i spent two hours working on rather than take the risk of posting it only to hate it for the rest of my life. it feels like shame for some reason i don’t ??? get it ???
like i want to try to create variety, but also i want to try to build an actual story. something that will be fun for both me and my partner, that will be a thread that will have some possible semblance of weight to future interactions. and sometimes the ideas don’t come as quickly as i would like. or they do, and then my brain runs out of vocabulary. and throttles a pillow i hate it, i hate that my standards for myself are like this, but my god - it’s the only way i can be confident about my work and know that i’m not wasting mine or anyone else’s time and it just has to be my own standard of perfect or i run myself into the ground with my anxiety and have a minor breakdown and that’s the worst thing i can do to myself, honestly asdbhsabdha !!!
REPLIES:
i write long replies, unfortunately. though i never expect people to match ( and honestly it fluctuates; sometimes it’ll be long, sometimes short, so there’s no pressure or requirement at all really ) , and all i care about at this point is i’m given something to work with and it’s not the kind of thing where it’s a reply for the sake of a reply. i also would prefer to have threads where people add stuff to the threads, and like... i don’t really have to run the show by myself to keep things interesting? that would be nice tbh. in terms of length however, i will likely do at least two or three paragraphs, because one paragraph threads don’t quite encompass everything my muse tends to feel, and sometimes it can get longer - meaning like... two word document pages long. though that type of novella is usually reserved for people i know can match it, otherwise, i try my best to keep it as succinct as possible.
my brain sorta has this.... organization thing going tbh? where its like i can only do ask replies today, or i can only do threads today, or i can only do headcannon or ooc stuff today. sometimes it even goes by verse, where it decides if it can manage pokemon threads, or main threads, or fate threads, etc. which i understand isn’t quite the... best way to go about things, and it’s weird. very, very weird. but that’s also really the only way i’m able to sort of figure out where to put my attention nowadays. so everything gets replied to in truth, it just. it takes a while. :c :c :c please be patient with me, i’m trying my best!!
STARTERS:
i hold starter calls a lot. sometimes it can be every two months or it can be ( most likely ) when i get a new influx of followers and i want to interact with them. though it can tend to take a while for me to get them out, even if i have them on a list. usually its because i want to try to create starters that will be interesting enough to keep going ( which is sorta my overall theme with everything on here, if you’ll notice ) and sometimes the ideas don’t quite click. or, like with the organization thing, my brain needs to be able to conjure up starters in particular for anything to work.
more often, i will do inbox calls instead, and those i do personalize according to the muse i’m sending it to. that way if the other mun replies with a response i like, i can continue it into a thread, so that’s sorta like a reverse starter call in that way, i guess. i always clear out my starters owed though, i promise. it just takes me a good while.
INBOX:
sucks in sharp breath
i’m gonna be way honest here - once upon a time, i didn’t get that many asks at all, so i thought like, if i got like 20 of them, that already was a heck ton and i had to get the number lower. and then somehow i got an influx in asks a few weeks ago and that number jumped to thirty. and then it kept going until forty. and then i thought ‘okay you know what, so long as its not 50, you can still get it down, you’re good!!’
let me tell you - i am at 76 right now and i am confused as all fuck as to how it got to this point. BUT I HONESTLY DON’T MIND. i love getting asks !! even if i take a while to answer them, because like the starters, i try to give it an actual moment and not a quick snip of an interaction that doesn’t matter in the long run. so asks? same length - two or three paragraphs and more, nothing less. and i tend to do anons first because i know whoever sent it might check back and i don’t want them scrolling through the whole blog thinking they missed it, but tbh, i try to do my older asks first overall. and sometimes there are some asks that require a lot of emotion on jackie’s part, so those get long and take a wee bit longer than most, but i always try to make the wait worth it. luckily, things appear to be going kinda well on that end tbh. i have a good pace set up so i don’t feel like i’m drowning in stuff, and if i could just have ONE DAY WHERE I CAN WORK, I CAN CUT BACK THAT NUMBER EASY, I SWEAR TO GOD.
i just. i need that day dashdhabdha
but on that note, please. feel free to send me anything you like at any time, i’ll get to it asap, even if i have six asks for you in my inbox still from past memes. and tbh, i’d rather i always have the option available to answer that particular interaction rather than leave it so it never happens no matter what. so always remember, as always -
FEEL FREE.
SELECTIVITY:
severely selective. to the nth degree. i follow about less than 180 rp blogs because the rest are aesthetics at the moment, though i’m always looking for more. i try to find blogs with muns that i feel really care about their muse as a whole, and blogs that have a pretty good grasp on writing. i decide whether or not i can make jackie work with them somehow, and then i sorta check the writing itself to make sure i can jive with it, and then that’s when i decide to follow.
i have. a very particular standards with other blogs that need to be checked off tbh? because i want these interactions to actually matter. so besides the writing, honestly the thing that rings out the most for me would be their passion and their ideas. like, i want to make sure i can create something new with this mun so i just try to see if they will match what i give them with their own ideas, because coming up with a majority of the plots on my own is the most exhausting thing, and i can’t do that consistently. if i can get that sense from them that they’re willing to try to push their own ideas forth, that’s really what makes me follow them back asap !! on the other hand, i also check the mun - make sure they’re not the type i’ll likely have trouble with down the line. i check tags, i check ooc posts, i check everything. i am a self proclaimed blog stalker and tbh, its the only way i keep my dash in check. and so far its worked out very well so it’s all good on my end, even if that means less people to interact with.
quality over quantity, always.
WISHLIST:
FIGHT THREADS. POTENTIAL ROMANCE THREADS. FWB THREADS??? though i am selective on that one. SMUT THREADS FOR ROMANCE PEEPS. PLATONIC THREADS. ADVENTURE THREADS. HARD TO GET THREADS. CRIME THREADS. JACKIE FUCKING UP YOUR MUSES LIFE THREADS. ANGST. MURDER. HEARTBREAK. INJURY. ROAD TRIPS. NAPS. LATE NIGHTS IN THE CITY. JAIL. HAUNTED HOUSES. MUSIC FESTIVALS. MUSIC COLLABORATIONS. FATE VERSE THREADS. POKEMON THREADS. PERSONA THREADS. I DON’T CARE, I LOVE IT ALL, JUST GIVE IT TO ME, AND IF YOU HAVE A PARTICULAR THING YOU WANNA TRY, LEMME KNOW AND I’LL MAKE A VERSE FOR IT NO PROBLEM !!!
but also i have a wishlist here :”> and i will love you if you boop me for it, thank you !!
HONEST NOTE:
i love all my mutuals. i love all my non mutuals. i love people that like my posts. i love people that reblog my posts. i love when people feel comfortable enough to plot with me. when they’re comfortable enough to send me stuff randomly. when they’re patient with my sloth like tendencies and still they find the muse to respond to my threads even if a whole month has passed. i love people that are understanding and don’t mind the wait, because i do promise that i don’t delete anything. it’s there, and its waiting, and its only taking a while because i want to provide you with something good. something that will make you smile, and make you want to pursue the interactions with my muse. i want all this to mean something, and its never because i’m bored of you or your muse or our thread.
my brain just has a filing cabinet i never asked for.
but honestly, come plot with me, just boop me randomly, send me all the things no matter what it is. i promise you i will LOVE IT and in truth, NOTHING at all makes me HAPPIER than that. and though fair warning i am exhausted a lot which impacts my response speed ooc - it’s honestly never because i don’t want to reply. my timezone as a whole is shitty and my energy levels doubly so, and i want to be sure that once we start talking or plotting, i can give you as much energy as i can spare, as much energy as you deserve. not five minutes of conversation and then i pass out. so if that means taking some time to respond, please understand that i’m trying my best.
please be patient with me, that’s all i ask. and i promise you, i will make it up to you. as best as i can. as fast as i can. no matter what.
thank you, i love you, have a amazing day xx
TAGGED BY: S T O L E N
TAGGING: anyone who actually went through and read this as a whole heckie !! I JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT IN CASE ANYONE WAS CONCERNED BECAUSE I SLOW, PLEASE UNDERSTAND. I’M TRYING MY BEST I LOVE EVERYONE WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND ENERGY I PROMISE T.T
#&& did you think i wasn't real (about j)#/ look i did this today#/ its important to me i guess ?? in case anyone thinks im ignoring them ??#/ im not im just#/ very slow#/ always slow#/ i will wave a slow flag for years#/ i swear to god#/ i will catch up soon but for your information !!!
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Everything starts with rules and here are ours!
Out of Character:
No OOC drama! We don’t like it, and neither does anyone else. IC drama is perfectly fine, but no OOC drama. When it is brought to our attention, the admin team will address this issue right away and you will receive a warning. Please send screenshots in order to help us iron out issues. We hate having to ask for it, but it’s for our own benefit. If you have an issue with another player, please address us off-anon. We will keep your identity private and anything you say to us will stay between us.
We will have a three-strike activity policy. You get two warnings and the third warning, we will ask you to leave for now. However, you are always more than welcome to rejoin unless you’ve broken some cardinal rules.
Respect everyone! We are all human, which means we all deserve respect. We want the Lakeview environment to be fun-loving and easygoing and by doing that, we all must respect each other.
Do not send hate to the main or any of the characters. One, it’s not nice, and two, that isn’t what the roleplay is about. Hate will not be tolerated at all.
Reserves last for 24 hours from the time that we receive the message and acknowledge it. If you need more time, just shoot a message to the main and we will extend it. Reserves must be made off anon, but all accounts asked from will be kept secret.
This is a mature roleplay, so please do not lie about your age, we require everyone to be 21+. Please put your real age on the app, but we will keep your real age a secret and simply add “21+” to the OOC page, if desired. There is no maximum age, we welcome everyone.
Please place triggering self-posts and smut under “read more” with a tag of NSFW.
Do not racebend, whitewash, or genderwash. While it’s okay to have a cis face as nonbinary, we will not accept a nonbinary FC as cis
NO GODMODDING! No one likes it at all. So just don’t do it. If you do not know what godmodding is feel free to contact the main and we will discuss it with you. If you do end up godmodding, you will be given a warning, and if it happens again we will ask you to leave.
No metagaming. Metagaming is when you use OOC knowledge to reflect IC interactions. It’s a form of godmodding and it’s just really not cool.
Activity & Hiatuses:
Activity checks will be done every other Sunday and will be at 5pm EST! And then from there you have 48 hours to get your character active before the unfollowed is posted.
Self-paras, chats, replies,and paras count as activity. Posting photos, musing post, and music do not count as activity. Please do not reblog a bunch of photos in one day, it clogs up the dash.
We do allow hiatuses, if you are going out of town or work has been stressful or something shot us a message stating that you need a hiatus and when you will return. All hiatuses must have a return date.
Do not message an admin for a hiatus or an extension, as we cannot read each other’s DMs. If it’s an emergency, please message the main and assume we’ve gotten it. We will be sure to send you a message somehow!
If you need a semi-hiatus because life is becoming a bit busy, go ahead and shoot us a message of when you will return. We understand that life gets busy, we all have lives even us.
Solid activity counts as threads with at least three different muns.
Please post more than once a week, if we see that you are only posting once a week or so we will talk to you about it. Figure out what we can do to help, if it continues we will give you a warning.
In Character & Face Claims:
IC drama is more than welcome!
Stick to your character. In Lakeview, they are yours, so you created them. So just stick to your guns when it comes to them. Asking for permission is one thing.
Your face claim can be five years younger or five years older than their actual age.
Any major plots much like pregnancy, death, engagements, marriages, etc, must be ran through the main first. With pregnancy, we will only allow three at once. With major plots, we ask one per mun.
Interact with everyone! No bubble roleplaying. Please include everyone! If you are bubble roleplaying, you will be given a warning. If it happens again, you will be given another warning. If it happens one more time, you will be asked to leave the roleplay.
You are allowed to post 2 starters a week but you must answer 3 starters before posting your own. This makes sure that everyone is included, if you are caught violating this rule, you will receive a warning. Try to shoot for the starters that have the least notes. This is also case by case we’ll waive it every now and then if starters aren’t being posted.
Make sure once you get accepted to post your own starter and then reply to a couple.
Face claim changes are allowed but limited to three. We will allow one FC trial per mun which can last for a week.
Third person, no first person please. In example: ‘He walked into the bar, looking around for a moment before sitting down.’ VS ‘I walked into the bar, and I looked around before I decided to sit down.’ So please, third person all the way, not first person. Present tense is okay, but please have it written para-style and not with *actions*.
Multi-Characters:
You are allowed up to 30 characters. And we love diversity here so please make some POC or NB. 25% of each muns muses should be people of color. If you aren’t sure your faceclaim is a POC, please message the main and we will help you out with that.
You are allowed to apply for ten characters right off the bat and you can have as many characters that you think you can handle. If you choose just to apply for one character, you can apply for the second right away. Five must be white and the other five must be POC.
Your first character must be your primary blog, and then the rest can be sideblogs. Or you are allowed to use mumu since we have no character limit.
You may apply for the rest after your first activity check. We also reserve the right to deny any additional characters if we feel the activity isn’t matching up.
Activity must be steady on all characters. If we feel like your activity is slacking or see you favoring one character over the others, then you will not be allowed to pick up another character till the activity picks up on all of your characters.
You must have a POC and a non-binary character, if you have two white muses your third, fourth or fifth must be a POC and a non-binary. Please be aware of your face claim’s ethnicity, gender identity, and sexual orientation. Do not disrespect your face claim by not knowing how they identify.
We love younger muses but we also love older muses. Give us some 35 + muses! Try to make some of your muses 35+ please! The youngest for muses that we will go is 22 years old.
Discord:
We do have a discord! We will not just be using this for OOC chats but also some in character activity.
This does count as activity as well. This group is going to be half and half. half on tumblr and half on discord. As long as you are active in one and we can see you active it counts as activity.
Misc:
The gossip page is intended to be for entertainment purposes only and information posted should not be considered fact. Feel free to send stuff in, but do not use it as a way to bully members/characters.
Tasks will come, but these aren’t mandatory at all. These are just for fun and for you to fill out for your characters when you are able to do so or have the muse for it. We recommend them because they’re truly a fantastic tool to get to know your muse/s.
Events, much like tasks, will come from time to time. Once again, these aren’t always mandatory, but they are a fun way for characters to interact with other characters. If you have an idea for an event, we would love to hear it!
We will be incorporating small little events, such as turtle hatchings and business openings. Hurricanes will also be a plot drop, so stay tuned!
Last rule is have fun! That is what we want, is for everyone to have fun!
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How do I start a War in D&D? I'm planning on playing a Rogue Character in order to get better at Deception, Persuasion and Manipulation. And taking the Noble Background to get closer to Political and Royal Powers. Basically acting as a Manipulative Double-Agent. And my DM is TOTALLY OK with this! He even encourages me because he has this big "War Story Arc" he wants to do. What do you recommend I do first to start this War???
Thanks for the ask, I was very excited to see this question when I woke up!
The first two things I would do is decide: Which factions are going to fight? AND What do you gain from this? I’d say the latter being more important.
Ask your DM what factions or kingdoms in the campaign might be interesting to watch duke it out, maybe there’s already a couple they have in mind. Next, what does your character gain from this war, and why is this the best option? From a player standpoint, I think starting a war creates fun and interesting drama that could be really cool to play! But from a character’s point of view, I find myself not as certain as to why they would be interested in starting a war. These are the ideas I could come up with: Financial Gain, Vengeance, Glory/Fame, Political Power, a Large Scale Distraction, Wiping out Enemy Factions, Taking Down a Corrupt Ruler, or simply a Change in the Political Landscape. I’m sure you maybe already have an idea in mind, so simply pick which one makes the most sense for you. Because starting a war for no reason could feel a little odd or out of place.
Now, HOW do you want to start the war?
Personally, I think the Manipulative Double-Agent idea is perfect so let’s go with that. In a war there is typically a lot of tension between two or more groups being built up over time before an inciting event. After that, someone declares an act of war and the rest is history. But if the two groups don’t have building tension (or need more tension), it’s best to use your nobility to earn some trust and respect from one group and learn all about what’s important to their faction: 1. What they have, 2. What they want, and 3. What they’re willing to sacrifice for it. Once you learn that, you can take advantage of any of these by changing them or actually “helping” them achieve one of their goals. Sometimes, the groups will have more than one in each category.
(For instance, there’s a powerful kingdom with a king and queen. What they have: Power and land. What they want: To sustain that power. What they’re willing to sacrifice: Money and soldiers. This is pretty straightforward and simple. All you would need to do, is trick this kingdom into thinking that another equally powerful kingdom is around and is threatening to impede on their iron rule over the land.)
(Or another example, a village may be poor and suffering from an illness that cannot be cured except through magical means. But they don’t have access to that cure. What they have: An illness that cannot be cured. What they want: A cure or money to get the cure. What they’re willing to sacrifice for this: Possibly everything. And with that desperation, they would be willing to work with anyone who could help. Now this village wouldn’t be able to stand up to the big powerful kingdom, but hopefully these examples should explain my thinking.)
Once you find out how to manipulate the factions, you can start to pit the two against each other over a period of a few months to even just a few days (a group of bloodthirsty Orcs could make starting a war pretty quick). My idea sets up the opportunity for war between factions based on simply on things they want, such as land, money, or power. But another approach to starting a war between two groups is to do something bigger or more immediate. This would be an inciting event.
Inciting events can be pretty straightforward and simple. The assassination of a ruler, the kidnapping of royalty, a sudden attack (ambushing a group, a location, or possibly a significant location such as holy land), stealing an artifact, or even an uprising. Inciting events can (and most likely WILL) happen in addition to manipulating two different groups. The key to starting a war, is to help get this inciting event into play. Whether you’re hiring someone to do the job, doing the job yourself, or simply letting the cards fall where they may. The choice is all up to you, and what you are capable of doing. My advice for you, is try to avoid getting caught and wear some disguises when trying to start a war or things could get a little more interesting.
If you have any more questions send me another ask and I’d love to answer more. Or if any of my followers have any other ideas, feel free to reply or reblog this and add ideas of your own!
In summary:
-Which factions are going to fight?
-What do you gain from this?
-Know your enemy!
1. What they have
2. What they want
3. What they’re willing to sacrifice for it
-The inciting event is important, but could occur naturally
-Don’t get caught!
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The Tumblr Beta Version: an objective analysis
I was tempted to just type “it sucks.” And while that is an objective analysis, it’s not exactly helpful. I’ve sent several requests to @staff and @support to restore my account to the old tumblr dashboard format, and received the same automated reply twice now. I’ll copy/paste it here so everyone is on the same page:
(lol, I had to go back and edit this, because apparently the beta version doesn’t display block quotes on the dash. So I’ve also put the block quotes in italics... hopefully it’ll display properly... note after editing: nope, it doesn’t display italics either... how the heck am I supposed to differentiate quoted text? I’ll start each quoted bit with an asterisk, I guess...)
*Thanks for reaching out about the beta dashboard.
*We're currently testing it out, and your account seems to have been selected to take part in the test. Thanks for your patience while we work on it! At this time there is not a way to opt out of testing. You may see your Tumblr experience return to normal as we continue testing.
WE CAN ONLY HOPE.
*In the meantime, check out some of the new features available only in the beta dashboard:
OKAY TUMBLR, IF YOU INSIST, though I would MUCH rather have back all the functionality I personally invested into this website through xkit... you know... making the site ACTUALLY FUNCTIONAL. Let’s see what this beta version has given me instead of functionality:
*Change Palettes: Go to the person icon, then click "Change Palette." You'll find the classic Tumblr blue, dark mode, and a few other color palettes for your dash.
So I tried out all the color palettes. In addition to the ones mentioned here, there’s one that’s trying to look like a green screen terminal that gives me flashbacks to the early 80′s. There’s a reason we stopped using green screen terminals... Another one is “canary yellow.” It’s very yellow. The “classic tumblr” isn’t actually classic tumblr... all the post boxes are dark blue with grey type, not white with black type. And all the other colors are the insanely bright fluorescent of the new Dark Blue standard tumblr scheme. Which means links are practically invisible unless I highlight them. It’s migraine inducing. The one theme with a light colored background is called “Concrete” or “Cement” or something like that and even that only works for about half an hour before the migraine aura really kicks in. I just want my Old Blue via xkit back. You know, what tumblr actually used to look like. I don’t want any of these horrible color palettes. None of them work for me.
*The new "meatballs" menu: This is where you can copy the post link, unfollow the Tumblr who made or reblogged the post, or report a violation to our Community Guidelines.
I could do all of this from the user menus with xkit, too. I don’t regularly report violations or have the urge to block people I have chosen to follow. Why on earth would I want to do any of this? And why would I want these features located directly beside the post link copy feature?
You know what I do miss? I miss the xkit timestamps feature. I didn’t have to hover dangerously close to the KILL IT WITH FIRE meatballs menu in order to see when a post was made, and in this era of disinformation and misinformation spreading around this site faster than Covid-19, being able to see when a post was ORIGINALLY created is a far more useful feature than an easier way to block people. For reference: I currently have three blogs blocked. Two of them are pornbots. One is a nazi. If I don’t want someone’s content on my dash, I don’t follow them. This “feature” is entirely useless to me.
*A quick note: Pagination is not supported in this beta test, but we're collecting feedback to send to our engineers.
THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST. This beta test might actually be tolerable if I wasn’t trapped into endless scrolling. If I could page through my dash, refreshing it every ten posts or so. You know why? Because once I scroll about 30 posts down my dash, tumblr starts overheating my laptop under the load of ALL THOSE POSTS. Things start malfunctioning-- it takes longer and longer to load new posts the farther I scroll. And the keyboard navigation (both page down and hitting J to advance to the next post, and even just using the down arrow to scroll as I read a long post) freeze and stop functioning. One of my laptop fans has actually begun to malfunction.
You know why this wasn’t a problem on the old version? If the data load got to heavy, I could open a post in a new tab, click view on dash with xkit, and voila! Brand new tab! I could close the malfunctioning tab and everything would be refreshed to normal! But without pagination, THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Also, after reblogging a few posts, the beta version of this site breaks, and doesn’t open a post tab to add commentary or even tags. It just... reblogs the untagged post with no warning whatsoever. You know... that’s really really not cool. I tag EVERYTHING. Well, almost everything. The tags are the only way to keep track of the 40k+ posts on my blog. And warn people that I am posting potential spoilers, or other specific content. It’s REALLY inconvenient to have to either immediately go to my blog to edit the post and add tags, or even comments. The alternative is to scroll up to open individual posts I want to reblog in a new tab, and then reblog directly there. Ironically enough, THOSE pages actually open with xkit installed, and everything (surprise!) functions perfectly there.
It’s perfectly reasonable to understand why this specific issue has limited the number of posts I reblog. Reblogging content should not be this much of a hassle. Creators have been complaining for a while that reblogs have drastically slowed down, and I think making it even more annoying and difficult to reblog posts will not help this problem.
Also, with xkit enabled, there’s a function that auto-loads images as you scroll, so the images are always visible BEFORE they appear on screen. I don’t have to look at the colored boxes and wonder if this is a post I’ve already seen or something I should sit and wait for. Don’t even think about watching tumblr videos. Loading priority is given to the ads that you cannot pause or dismiss, so that video loads and plays in choppy two second bursts instead of being given priority. Since that’s the content I am actually here to consume, it kinda makes me want to do the opposite of patronizing anyone who advertises here with graphically intense ads. And then when you scroll away, with xkit, gifs and videos you’ve scrolled past STOP loading and playing, which I think might be contributing to the intensity of the resource hogging that’s literally melting down my laptop.
And for reference, I have a pretty decent little gaming laptop. A blogging platform shouldn’t be driving it to the brink of frying itself. I didn’t realize just how much xkit worked to streamline this and provide basic functionality to this site.
*And lastly, if you're an XKit user, know that the XKit team is working hard to update things on their end to make it compatible with the beta dashboard.
And this doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what I’ve lost without xkit. And this is a really REALLY garbage response to user complaints. “Oh, yeah, sorry we made our site suck even worse, but those nice people who do our jobs for free will surely fix our garbage soon!”
Dear wonderful people at @new-xkit-extension, I love you, and I miss you, and while I wish xkit worked with this beta version I’ve been forced into living with, I truly feel for y’all who are trying to deal with this nonsense on behalf of all of us.
And to the folks at Tumblr... maybe try to just... make your site actually more like xkit. You know, actually functional. None of these special new features are useful or functional to me. I respectfully request for a fourth time to be removed from this inane beta test.
Give us OPTIONS. Let us display ALL THE TAGS without having to click a button. Let me have back my Activity+ that actually allowed me to interact with people from my dash! That showed me real-time inline notifications in a way that I could reply to with a single click! Bring me back to my column of open messaging conversation icons so I have easy access to the people I talk with throughout the day instead of closing them all every time I refresh the page. I already feel socially isolated in freaking quarantine, please stop shutting off all my avenues of communication!
Let us have pagination! I mean, maybe it wasn’t the best idea to force heavy users of this site into a beta version that doesn’t allow us to opt out until your engineers had actually figured out how to make it work in a very basic way.
*Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with!
YES. PLEASE REMOVE ME FROM THIS BETA TEST NOW. I have let you know exactly what I want from this site. I just want it to ACTUALLY WORK. For someone who spends 12+ hours a day on this site, this beta test version is NONFUNCTIONAL. PLEASE ALLOW ME TO OPT OUT. I AM LITERALLY BEGGING YOU. I WILL ACTUALLY PAY YOU CASH MONEY TO ALLOW ME TO OPT OUT OF THIS AND GO BACK TO HAVING A FUNCTIONAL BLOG AGAIN. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!
PLEASE!
I AM OFFICIALLY AT THE END OF MY PATIENCE FOR ENDURING THIS NIGHTMARE.
(one final quick note... I’ve only been back on my dash long enough to make the parenthetical edits-- i.e. adding italics that don’t display and then adding the asterisks at the beginning of each section of quoted text, and already my laptop is overheating again. For reference, I originally typed this entire post from within my tumblr inbox page-- which still functions normally with xkit-- and spent over an hour on it. My laptop was fine the entire time. Clearly the issue is this beta version of the website. I will never forgive tumblr if y’all fry my literal only portal to the outside world at this time. PUT ME BACK TO NORMAL NOW. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INFURIATING AND ENTIRELY UNACCEPTABLE. Thanks)
(oops apparently i lied... when the asterisks and the previous final note failed to display, I thought that seemed suspicious, and realized that I literally needed to refresh my entire dash in order to see edited changes. Funny how xkit enabled me to do that in real time, which is just another bit of functionality I’ve lost with this beta program. Please guys, this is really, really not working for me at all, just put it back.)
#tumblr problems#staff#support#xkit#was this good enough for you? because I am totally done with this if that wasn't completely obvious#please end my suffering
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