#so i changed my mind on some details because im literally always doing that
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I wanna start with I love your blog sm and I’m not trying to jump on the train, in fact I don’t even mind if you just read this and don’t post or even just delete after you read, but I know where the “Rook gaslighter” thing comes from and wanted to explain (I also just LOVE talking about rook even if its negative). Im not explaining to change your mind but rather to inform!! Because I love spending hours analyzing the characters, pls don’t stop drawing rook!! Ever!!
ANYWAYS now that “please don’t hate me I have to uncontrollably explain everything about my favorite character(s) the second someone doesn’t know about one small detail 😭” is over, I will explain! During Vil’s lab wear vignette, Rook asks Vil when he’s going to start his new diet. Vil, confused, is like what??? Tf?? And rook is like “yeah :D you have put on 3 pounds exactly :)”. Vil is lowkey like wtf Rook I haven’t noticed shit and rook is like “okayyy but who do you believe? Me or literally anyone else?” And vil is like “yeah you’re right, I’ll adjust my diet, thank you rook”.
The ‘issue’ with the “rook is a gaslighter” is it’s SOLELY a fandom thing (and maybe with other characters, but still, like. Vil is a world class model he CANT put on weight like a normal person could because it’ll unfortunately affect his career. The beauty world is just like that, irl too. Plus, this is something he wants for himself, even if he admits to hating the diets during his overblot, it’s still a part of who he is). Vil, himself, views rook’s behavior as a helpful thing, he appreciates Rook’s supernaturally keen eye! He might be offended but ultimately he would not have Rook as his vice-prez if he didn’t respect or admire Rook in some way.
I adore the way you draw them together!! The one where vil is like “how dare you! Just because he’s strange doesn’t mean he’s like that!” And rook is behind him with blood on his face, he’s so cute! I recently found another blog that is similar to yours that I also wanted to see if you knew bc they draw rook out the same way you do! @/fadiesismin is so cool and I think you’d love their artwork!!! Also I’m very sorry for the long-winded ask, in my defense, I’m also a Sagittarius. Rook 🫶 Me, xoxoxoxoxo!!
Sagittarius Anon! I’m sorry it took this long to reply.
First of all, thank you for enjoying our stuff and for your support! I am very happy that you like the way we portray RookVil. Their relationship is very interesting and honestly quite nuanced; we don’t usually gravitate towards ships that have this strong of a “they’ve been dating for a while” vibe, but these two are just too charming. Probably because despite them deeply understanding each other and sharing a lot of values and passions, they really aren’t a perfect couple, and we get to see it in moments like the vignette you’ve mentioned, or Rook’s lab wear vignette, or on multiple other occasions. Rook isn’t the perfect boyfriend, in fact, he is quite a menace sometimes without really meaning harm (still, he technically made Vil cry at least once); but there also isn’t another person that would get Vil as deeply as Rook does and support him as well as Rook does. What they have is special, but isn’t perfect at all.
As you already know, we also love talking about characters a lot, so I even though I am late with this reply, I am happy to have an opportunity to talk about these two and Rook specifically. So thank you for sending this ask and waiting!
I’ve seen this vignette being used as an example of Rook being gaslighting/manipulative before, and to be honest, I don’t really get this argument. I understand that the reasoning is usually that Rook sounds similar to a man that lies to his girlfriend about her being fat because he wants her to be even skinnier or just to be an asshole about it, but here is the thing: this isn’t what Rook is doing though. Gaslighter always has ulterior motive behind their manipulations, even if it’s just to mess with someone else’s head for fun or to control this person. But with Rook (both in this vignette and in general), what you see is what you get: the man is brutally honest, sometimes even too honest. Vil himself is very aware of that and has mentioned it multiple times.
It’s just like you said! Vil never lets anyone forget that his looks are important to him (both because of his own standards and because he is a model), so of course Rook would comment on something that he noticed. This is the foundation of their relationship: Rook gives Vil his feedback because Rook sees things that other people don’t. Does it mean that this feedback is always 100% necessary and Vil should change things according to how Rook critiques him? Of course not. Maybe sometimes it would be better for Vil to just take it easy and relax instead of perfecting every single thing, but this isn’t what Vil wants for himself: he doesn’t want to be pampered, he wants to be appreciated for his hard work. Rook enables Vil’s perfectionism, but don’t forget that Rook is that force in Vil’s life that doesn’t let him forget what he is doing all that for (I’ve talked about Rook being protective of Vil’s “beauty” = love for art here). Vil having a toned body is something that Rook enjoys, but this is mainly something that Vil wants himself; I kind of think that as long as Vil’s passionate and unapologetic about things that he does, Rook would find beauty in him no matter how he looks. Remember him at the end of ch6 after Vil’s grandpafication? Yeah exactly.
Alright, I digress. The point I am trying to make is that Rook is very direct with Vil, sometimes even too direct, and this is the opposite of gaslighting. Even when he suggests things “lightly”, he is still upfront about them: he doesn’t try to plant any ideas in Vil’s head.
Rook sounds and acts like a jerk sometimes, but he means well, and it’s not an excuse, just a fact. In Rook’s head, Vil always takes his direct remarks and observations very well, what’s so different this time? Even if you’ve been with someone for years, fuckups are unavoidable, especially for someone who has problems with tact.
To reiterate: could this scene be triggering or upsetting? Absolutely. Are there people who comment on other’s weight to make them insecure or make them doubt themselves? Absolutely. Is this what Rook does? Absolutely not. It just isn’t true to his character: he wouldn’t gain anything if Vil started doubting himself, in fact, he would have hated it. He doesn’t want Vil to be insecure or unsure, this is literally what he confronted him about at the end of Ch5. He also doesn’t need to do anything for Vil to trust him more than others: Vil already does. When he was saying that he knew better than anyone or anything else, he stated the truth, and this is what so fucked up about Rook: he really does know better.
It’s very important to remember that these characters have their own circumstances and their own writing, and we are fucking blessed to have a cast of characters this interesting and complex.
By the way, I am saying all of this as someone who wouldn’t mind Rook being a gaslighter and could see fanon scenarios where it could work, but those need to be very well-written not to ruin his character, because honesty is an integral part of Rook Hunt. For better or worse.
Also, I know you haven’t mentioned Jade, Anon, but since this entire discussion started with comparing the two, I wanted to note that Jade’s Dorm Uniform vignette exists. Vil literally looked at him man and decided not to trust him for one moment, even scolded Rook for even humouring the idea that Jade was telling the truth. And this is just one instance; we are constantly being reminded by everyone in cast about the fact that Jade is shady and we shouldn’t take seriously the majority of things that he says (pretty much verbatim to what Floyd said about him in the Playful Land event). Jade doesn’t care about honesty, he doesn’t care about lying either: all he cares about is what to say to make the others react in the most interesting way possible. He loves messing with people, and the world is his playground….
(I am also pretty sure that he comments on Azul’s diet; this has nothing to do with gaslighting either, just thought I’d mention that since we’re talking about this)
Anyways, thank you again for your ask, Anon! I hope this wasn’t an exhausting read. I always feel like I haven’t said everything that I wanted to say, but fortunately I still have tons of replies to write, so I’ll have my chance..! Probably.
PS. @/fadiesismin’s works are very good!!
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Like A Catabolic Seed (I Want To Destroy Everything That's Mine)
Something's wrong with Neil.
He knows that much, and the others know too. He tries to hide it anyway. Don't worry about it, guys, I'm fine, honest-- No, not honest, and certainly not fooling anyone. But he puts on the act anyway.
Beneath the washed-out yellow bathroom light, he wraps a bandaid around his paper cut and pauses to take a long hard look at himself in the mirror. Pushing back his overgrown bangs reveals bloodshot eyes whose colour looks a little off. Maybe it's just the lighting... yeah, that's what he'd say if someone asked, but deep down he knows that's not it. His stomach turns with discomfort. Below those discoloured eyes, his skin is pale and clammy, seeming to press a little tighter than usual around his cheekbones. And ooh, his mouth... it's itching again. Lately he's had the urge to gnaw on things like a teething puppy. And they're not acting up right now, but his forehead and shoulderblades have been periodically aching in a way he hasn't felt since teenage growing pains. Finally, his fingernails need to be trimmed--when did they get so long and sharp?
Well, he can't do anything about 83.3% of his problems, but at least he can trim his nails. He reaches for the vanity and--
The glass cracks as suddenly as the lightning bolt that struck him the day before. Neil staggers back, eyes wide, hands instinctively clutching at his chest. He can feel his pounding heart, and... it's wrong. The rhythm is all wrong. His breaths come quick and shallow and distorted, wrong. Gosh, his teeth really hurt. He runs his tongue around the inside of his mouth and ooh, that's not the shape those teeth should be but more importantly, man, I could really go for a nice bloody steak right now. Just the thought of sinking his teeth into flesh makes him start salivating right there in front of the broken bathroom mirror.
Never mind the nail clippers. He can just chew them down--not a usual habit of his, but in this case it'll be killing two birds with one stone. And oh does he ever want those two birds dead. Heck, he wants the whole flock demolished and served to him on a silver platter!
Back in the living room, his friends are waiting for him with matching concerned looks etched across their faces. Neil takes a seat next to them and forces a grin.
"Everything okay, Neil?" Kevin asks.
"Yeah, you sure took a while in there," Ryan adds with a questioning tilt of his head.
Dang it, did he really zone out for that long? Skin prickling, Neil gulps and looks away. "Sorry, guys. I had trouble finding the right bandaids."
"Ohh... my condolences, friend." Ryan smiles, appeased by the excuse, and pats him on the arm. "I've had that same trouble more times than I can count."
They carry on with their house of cards like normal. It all ends in bad luck, but Neil barely notices. He zones out for a moment, thinking about how easy it would be to tear the whole deck of cards to shreds with his overgrown nails, and then how easy and fun it would be to tear apart the couch and the whole clubhouse and his friends' bodies and-- No, wait, I don't want to do that, what am I...? And next thing he knows the fire alarm is blaring and Kevin is whipping out the fire extinguisher. A few flecks of foam spray onto Neil's cheek. He hisses as he flicks them away, nearly slicing his own cheek open in the process.
This is no good. If they're going to make a webisode this week, he needs to get his act together. Luckily, Neil knows just the thing.
*
Fortuna Daemonium, also known as corpse puppet demons, have a tried-and-true operating system. They rely on humanoid host bodies, but lack other demons' ability to directly possess a living host. No, they can only inhabit inanimate objects, rudimentary plant life, and--as their colloquial name suggests--corpses.
In its larval stage, the demon takes the form of an item which mortals can't resist picking up. Upon contact with a suitable host body, the demon bestows a bad luck curse upon the (un)lucky mortal. Once the curse kills the mortal, the demon is free to transfer itself into their body and take control. The trouble only comes when a demon acts too hastily.
A direct lightning strike against an unguarded mortal should have been fatal. It should have! Was the luck demon truly such a fool for thinking, as its host crumpled to the ground with a smoking crater in his chest, that it was free to propagate? And yet when it sent forth its demonic seed, it ran up against a barrier. The human's brain and soul were--and indeed are--still active. The demon can't possess him yet. Frustrating, yes, but not the end of the world. It just has to keep triggering bad luck events, and eventually something is bound to keep the mortal down.
But there might be a problem. Some humans' blood is far purer than others, and they ingest all kinds of terrible things, so as a precaution Fortuna Daemonium release demonic toxins into the host's bloodstream before taking them over. The toxins essentially provide a makeover that renders the corpse (normally it would be a corpse at this point!) more habitable for the demons, and better suited to their violent needs. If released into a living being, however...
There are a few recorded accounts of such a folly, but accounts of what happens to either the host body or demon differ greatly--unsurprising, when these events rarely leave behind survivors. It seems humans can fight with surprising ferocity if they think there's a chance it will save someone dear to them.
*
Sitting on his bed with his legs drawn up and his shoulders hunched, Neil lowers the horseshoe necklace over his head with an unexpected tremble in his hands. His fingers twitch and jerk involuntarily like they don't want to touch the good luck charm--which is pretty silly of them, because those hands are high on the list of body parts that could use better luck. He takes a deep breath in and releases the string on the exhale. There, now he'll be safe from the...
Safe from...
Neil hears and smells his sizzling flesh before he feels it. But when the sensation does reach his nerves, oh, does he ever feel it. Screaming in agony, he rips the necklace off and flings it across the room. It bounces off the wall and lands with a clatter next to his trunk full of puppets.
Panting, he stares down at himself. Twin trails of smoke wind like lazy rivers off the points where either end of the horseshoe briefly connected with his skin. At least his shirt isn't completely ruined, but it's a tiny bit singed around the collar. Maybe he should wear a jacket today, so the guys don't get suspicious. Yeah, yeah, and if they ask he can say...
"Wait, who cares about keeping up appearances?" he cuts himself off. "I've got bigger fish on my plate right now. Like: since when am I allergic to horseshoes?"
And why is there a ringing in his ears as he slinks cautiously toward the discarded necklace? Why, as he reaches for it, does a hiss escape his bared fangs? Why does he have fangs and claws all of a sudden when two days ago his teeth and nails were perfectly normal and flat? He blinks against the strain of his headache, and--hey, were his eyelids always oriented that way? His shoulders twinge as he kneels down, and he could swear there's something swelling up beneath the skin, just like it feels like something's swelling at the top of his skull. There's no bruising, no recent injuries apart from the lightning strike which could account for all this. He reaches for the horseshoe with a trembling hand--his skin has taken on a yellowish hue now, and the veins on the underside of his wrist are green, which he's pretty sure isn't a normal human colour--and braces himself for a scalding sensation.
If he clutches the horseshoe for long enough, will it drive out whatever evil force has lodged itself inside him? Or will it just kill him?
"This is no good," Neil laments. Chickening out at the last second, he retracts his hand and drops it in his lap. The horseshoe goes untouched. "I need to ask Ryan for advice. He knows all about curses and stuff."
(Kevin might know something too, since he moonlights as a ghostbuster, but that's different. Kevin would worry if he knew. Ryan wouldn't worry. Would he? Neil won't tell him if it'll make him worry.)
*
Neil shows up for work wearing a horseshoe necklace and a big nervous grin. And colour contacts, apparently, unless his eyes were bright green the whole time and Ryan never noticed. But no matter, they have a webisode to film.
Ryan gets in the car and turns the engine over. For a moment he tenses, hairs standing on end in anticipation of something dreadful happening. But nothing does. Kevin climbs in beside him, and Neil allocates himself to the backseat, where he sits with his knees pressed tight together and his nails digging into the upholstery and his mouth all clamped up like he's got a case of lockjaw.
"Neil, you haven't stepped on any rusty nails lately, have you?" Ryan asks, shooting his friend a glance in the rearview.
Neil blinks in surprise, and oh dear, his eyes are definitely not supposed to be that colour and his eyelids are not supposed to go that way. It's an exciting new look, but not a style Ryan thought Neil would go for.
"Huh? Uh, no, I don't think so."
"You'd better not have," Kevin admonishes. "I've warned you guys about playing barefoot at the abandoned nail factory."
Despite the increasing worry about Neil's condition, they reach the warehouse they've decided to film at and get through a productive rehearsal without much issue. Eventually they encounter another bout of bad luck: one of their cameras acts up, and when Neil leans in to carefully adjust the lense, the entire piece of equipment crumbles to dust. That garners a concerned eyebrow raise from Kevin, which Ryan acknowledges with a tight-lipped nod: Indeed, something's not right with him. But clearly Neil doesn't want to talk about it, so what can they do? At least the curse or whatever it is isn't hurting him directly anymore.
Kevin heads off to buy a replacement camera while Ryan and Neil set up the rest of the equipment. Nothing goes wrong, and Ryan manages to relax a little. He almost wonders if there's no curse after all, and Neil is right to accuse him and Kevin of being paranoid. Nothing really bad has happened since the lightning strike, and those are usually random anyway, so...
But then Neil goes stiff. The chair he was moving drops from his hands in a clatter and he leans over it for support, hissing like a feral cat in distress. Ryan rushes to his side and holds him upright--he's clammy to the touch, and green-tinted veins pulse frantically beneath his skin. Brushing his bangs aside, Ryan lays a hand against Neil's head to check for fever.
Oh. Oh, there are some very strange lumps on Neil's forehead. That's... not good. Icy dread stirs in Ryan's gut as he pats his friend down.
"Say, Neil, what are those protrusions?" he asks, trying and failing to keep his voice from shaking. "You're not... sick, are you?"
Neil doesn't answer. His discoloured eyes are glazed over, and his breathing is shallow yet echoey, like it's coming from far away. The horseshoe necklace dangles loosely around his neck. Too loosely, for a heavy steel object.
Something snaps into place in Ryan's mind, and he jerks back with a gasp.
"An electric car! With the luck you've been having, its magnetized engine should have attracted your horseshoe... unless..." He rips off the necklace, and his hand closes around moulded plastic. "Ah-hah! You thought you could fool us with a fake horseshoe necklace? But--" Triumphant revelation gives way to an even deeper concern and bewilderment. "Why not wear a real horseshoe? A smart man like you should know the plastic ones never work."
Neil's shoulders spasm. His head jerks back, and his bangs fall back into place to conceal the tumours on either side of his forehead. His mouth moves to whisper something. It sounds like he's saying Ryan's name.
"I'm here, Neil," Ryan assures him, laying a hand on his friend's arm to hold him steady. "I'm right here."
"No... Ryan..." Neil shakes his head, and it looks like the motion hurts. Thin streams of blood trickle down from beneath his bangs. He bares his teeth in a grimace and they're so much sharper than they're supposed to be. "Run away."
And that's the only warning Ryan gets.
*
Neil's head is going to kill him. And that's not just a dramatic way of saying it hurts a normal amount; no, it really and truly feels like his skull is going to burst open and splatter his brains everywhere. He tries to breathe in and out evenly, like that'll help. But he can't catch his breath, nor slow his frantic pulse. His body shakes, and oh my god it hurts so bad help please guys you have to help me it hurts it hurts it hurts--
Ryan is saying something. Neil can't hear the words over the buzzing in his head, but the tone sounds reassuring. It's funny--Ryan is rarely the reassuring type, but when he is it's almost maternal. Neil wants to lean into his friend's touch, to listen to those calming words and fool himself into thinking he's gonna be okay.
But his fangs and claws itch to tear something apart. And if Ryan doesn't get out of the way--
"Run away," Neil pleads. There should be tears pricking at his eyes, and it feels almost like there are--his eyes are hot and irritated, and there's something wet sliding down his face now--but his tear ducts seem to have sealed up. He can feel something slithering out of his back, like being stabbed in reverse. "Please--you can't--I don't want to--"
Is he pleading to Ryan now, or to the thing he's becoming? It doesn't make a difference anyway. Neither of them listen.
Neil doesn't mean to swing his hand in an upward arc, claws extended. He doesn't mean for those talons to shred the front of Ryan's jacket and dig into the flesh beneath. He doesn't mean to send Ryan falling back, jaws parting in silent shock, or to then leap on top of him while he's down and bury his fangs in his shoulder. He doesn't want to do any of it.
But also... maybe he does want to do it. His pulse settles into a regular rhythm at last, a healthy pitter-patter of excitement, and he can taste the saliva swelling in his mouth when he rips a chunk out of his friend's shoulder and worries it between his teeth. The pain is finally gone. Now it's just a rush of exhilaration. Neil breaks into a giddy grin as Ryan screams and writhes beneath his claws.
This is going to be fun.
*
Their equipment still isn't set up when Kevin returns. That's the first thing he notices, and he frowns at the sight of the filmmaking gear strewn around like furniture after a robbery. His frown deepens when he spots his friends jumping around in the shadowy corner of the warehouse, apparently play-fighting--complete with disturbingly realistic screams and growls and hisses. What is this, a warrior cats roleplay? Eccentric as they are, Neil and Ryan are professionals; they should know better than to goof off at a time like this.
"C'mon, guys," he says, clapping his hands together like an animal trainer as he approaches them. "Let's get to--"
The scent of blood hits his tongue, and Kevin's breath catches in his throat. What are they... this isn't another one of Ryan's creepy rituals, is it? He flicks a lightswitch on to illuminate the warehouse. When he does, his blood runs cold.
Four leathery green wings protrude from Neil's back. No, not quite leathery--they're rounded, and they look delicate, like leaves. Less delicate-looking are the golden horns sticking out the top of his head, with swelling around the base and trails of blood running down from where they protrude. Just looking at the extra body parts makes Kevin cringe. Those definitely weren't there before, and it looks like their growth wasn't pleasant.
But his sympathy for Neil is dampened by what he's doing. Rather, what he's already done. Ryan sways on his feet with a sickly expression, arms wrapped tight around his own torso like he's trying to hold his guts in. Maybe he is. There's a lot of blood streaming down his face and matting his hair and staining his tattered clothes. One section of his sleeve is torn away, revealing a flash of exposed bone where flesh has been shredded.
Kevin takes this all in as a tableau, his friends both having froze in place like deer in headlights when he flicked the light on. It's several breathless, stomach-churning seconds until Ryan turns his wide-eyed stare on Kevin. He opens his mouth to say something--a plea for help? A warning to stay back? Some odd little overly casual remark, haha, typical Ryan yeah I bet he's not even bothered by this sure yeah he probably likes it, we know him, what a weirdo--
But Neil--if this even is still Neil--lunges before Ryan can speak. He grabs Ryan by the collar and flings him across the room, where he crashes against a radiator with a pained yelp and crumples to the ground. Neil grins, exposing a row of gore-caked fangs, and leaps forward to finish the job.
"Hey!" Kevin rushes forward with no plan in mind, just protective instinct. "Get away from him!"
He grabs Neil's leg and pulls him to the ground moments before those claws would have slit Ryan open. Neil hisses and squirms around, but Kevin locks his arms around him--though not without getting an armful of fangs. Diluted by adrenaline, he barely registers the pain, but he can see blood leaking through his shirt sleeve and his stomach hitches at the dull scrape of enamel against bone. Drawing in a shaky breath, Kevin closes his hand into a fist and draws it back. "Sorry about this, bud."
He clubs Neil in the back of the neck, like they do to knock people out in TV shows. Neil spasms at the contact and goes still. For a split-second Kevin is terrified he hit him too hard--but no, he still has a steady pulse, albeit one with an alien rhythm. Thinking fast, Kevin peels off his flannel shirt and ties it around Neil to bind his arms and those creepy wings (which upon closer inspection look like plant matter, but a tear in the lower right one--Ryan must have gotten a few hits in during their scuffle--is bleeding, and it's definitely not sap. He considers just ripping the wings off, but... no. Possessed or not, he doesn't want to hurt Neil.) Once that's done, he sits back on his heels to catch his breath. The pain from his freshly sustained wound creeps in now, and man does it ever sting. And that's just one bite, so he can't imagine how bad it is for...
Ryan. Oh, god, Ryan. Snapping back to grim urgency, Kevin scrambles across the room to his fallen friend in such a hurry that he trips over his own feet. He falls to his knees at Ryan's side and turns him over, shuddering at the glassy look in his eyes.
"Hey, stay with me, man," he commands. "We need a plan, and whatever's up with Neil looks like a two-person job."
"Mmn... a plan. Yes." Ryan rolls his head back and shifts slightly. "I definitely... have... a plan..."
His mannerisms are those of someone reluctant to rise from bed on a cold winter morning. Kevin's certainly been there, and the thought of such a simple shared experience makes him half-smile despite the circumstances. That smile fades when Ryan's face contorts in pain and he curls in on himself with a hiss. After a few shallow trembling breaths he speaks again, more faintly this time.
"I think Neil... is possessed. An exorcism may be in order. But there could be--" He coughs, and blood dribbles from his lips-- "another way. If..."
He trails off, head lolling to the side. Kevin waits expectantly for him to pick back up, but... nothing. Swallowing down a spike of anxiety, he props Ryan up and brushes a strand of sweat-and-blood-soaked hair out of his unfocused eyes.
"What's the plan, Ryan?" he prompts. "C'mon."
No answer. There's so much blood seeping through Ryan's jacket. Is it too much? He's not sure. It looks like too much.
"Ryan."
Nothing.
"Ryan!"
*
Neil stirs from a dreamless sleep to the sound of a dripping faucet. There's a damp chill to his surroundings that makes the human part of him shiver even though the demonic part is unbothered. He opens his eyes to find himself surrounded by four rough-hewn dark gray walls; the floor and ceiling are the same material. There's a busted pipe sticking out of one wall which seems to be the source of the dripping. In the far left corner is a staircase leading up.
What is this, a basement? Ugh, I hate basements... Neil hisses in annoyance and tries to move, only to find himself bound by ropes. Twisting his head around, it looks like he's tied to a wooden column, the way pirates used to tie up their prisoners. Uh oh. Am I gonna be executed?
As if in answer to that question, the sound of footsteps alerts him to a human descending the stairs. It's one of the same humans Neil was playing with earlier--the one with the short dark hair and the flannel (he knows their names, but that information is locked away right now). But he's not wearing flannel anymore, just a plain white t-shirt and jeans and... what is that, a backpack? No, it's something else, something Neil recognizes, but... his head feels funny. It's like his mind is splitting in two, and the half that's in control right now doesn't know or care about mortals or any of their strange devices. He just wants to torture and kill and eat them!
The mortal flicks a lightswitch. Neil flinches at the too-bright yellow glow that flickers on overhead, curling in on himself like a dying plant and hissing like a vampire. Only when his eyes adjust does he realize the lights were off a moment ago. Come to think of it, his surroundings did look a little washed out, but he could see everything perfectly. Woah, I can see in the dark, he realizes with a grin. Cool!
"So... Neil." The mortal strides slowly over to him and comes to a stop a foot away. He unhooks something from his backpack and points it at Neil as he speaks. It looks like one of those weapons mortals use--the kind they only bring out when they're really serious. So it's surprising when the mortal's first question is: "You okay?"
"Huh? Uh, yeah..." It's not a lie; the ropes might be a bit tight, but they're not hurting him. Heck, he can barely feel them, nor can he feel the cut on his wing or the spot where the mortal clubbed him to knock him out. Demons aren't built to feel that kind of stuff. "How about you? That arm looks pretty bad."
He nods to the appendage in question. The bandages look hastily applied, and he can smell that the wound isn't fully closed. The bloodscent is simultaneously enticing and sharply concerning. The latter reaction is surprising, moreso when Neil reminds himself that he did that, and it's nothing compared to what he did to the other mortal.
"I'll live," the mortal replies tersely. Only his inflection is more like "I'll live," as in yeah, he'll live, but somebody else won't.
"Is that supposed to be a threat?" Neil wonders aloud. The testy look he gets from the mortal in response seems to confirm it. "Pshaw, you mortals are so pathetic! What are you gonna do to me?"
The mortal cocks an eyebrow, and one corner of his lips twitches into a smirk. It's an amused expression--or no, the human side of Neil recognizes, a wry and weary one. It's all in the tired eyes: this mortal is not having fun. He raises his weapon and presses its tip against Neil's upper abdomen.
"Oh, you'll see what I can do to you."
*
Throughout this exchange, the true Fortuna Daemonium is silently screaming from within its four-leafed prison. Such sickening irony, to be confined to a clover pinned to the shirt of its would-be host body! And there's nothing else nearby to transfer itself to--nothing that would be any more useful, at least. Exiting the clover without transferring to a new vessel is out of the question. That would expose it to human eyes, which is probably just what the human with the proton pack wants.
Yes, Fortuna Daemonium know exactly what that device is called. It's imprinted in their collective consciousness, ever since the incident several decades ago when a group of four middle-aged mortals wielding such weapons managed to wipe out a whole colony of demons. If this newly demonic mortal isn't careful, its naive taunting will get both it and the Fortuna Daemonium captured at best and demolished at worst.
Only one way out of this situation, then. A bad luck event at a scale that can reduce mortal and half-demon alike to corpses fit for possession. As the two humanoids continue their exchange, Fortuna Daemonium tunes them out and channels its energy into summoning a natural disaster.
*
"Hey, where's the other mortal, anyway?" Neil asks, tilting his head. "He was fun to play with. His blood was delicious."
The mortal (Kevin, something in the back of his head supplies--the wall between things the demon knows and things it chooses to forget is crumbling) stiffens at that. He raises his head to stare into the ceiling light and waits until his eyes begin to water before speaking in a low voice.
"Yeah, I'll bet it was. But we pathetic humans only have so much blood we can lose, you know."
Neil blinks. Something about those words send a shiver down his spine... but they shouldn't. He's a demon, isn't he? What does he care about mortals getting hurt? He's just gonna eat them anyway. Sure, they're more fun to play with when they're alive, but... hey, what do those two specific specimens matter? There's whole cities full of potential prey! And here he is all worried about...
About...
"But he's okay, right?" he asks despite himself, or maybe exactly because of himself and despite the thing he's become. The question slips out as a nervous little squeak. "He has to be okay. We still need to film our webisode, and the script calls for all three of us--"
What is he talking about? It's like he's on autopilot now, human mind running on instinct and overpowering the demonic influence. There's that sensation of the bisected mind again, and the thing that calls itself Neil is standing on the brink with the ground splitting under it. He doesn't know which side he wants to land on anymore--powerful demon or feeble emotional human. All he can do is babble out his instinctive pleas for the status quo.
"--And we can't find a replacement on such short notice!"
"Well, maybe you should've thought about that--" Kevin's voice crescendos into a yell as he jabs the proton gun into Neil's ribs-- "Before you murdered him!"
...What?
"Oww," he whines at the jab of the weapon before his human side can fully process the mortal's words. Kevin's finger trembles over the trigger. There's a scent emanating from the weapon that makes Neil's hairs stand on end. It's not quite electric, not quite acidic, but he knows on an instinctive level that he can't let it touch him. If he does...
His fragile human side catches up just then. Tears well in his eyes. When he blinks them back, he finds that his eyelids are angled the right way again.
"You mean Ryan is...?"
"I just buried him in the backyard," Kevin confirms grimly. He squeezes his eyes shut until a tear slides down his cheek. "So you don't dig him up and eat what's left of him."
"But that's... no, I'd never do that..." Neil shakes his head, lips drawn back in a grimace. His fangs flatten when he presses them together. "Ryan has to be okay. Things always work out for us!"
His demonic side can't put up a fight anymore. Neil doesn't want it to. His heart clenches with such monumental dread that it shudders back into its original rhythm, along with his frantic breathing. He can't feel his wings anymore, and his horns feel lighter, like they're hollowed out and ready to crumble. He can feel the blood caked onto his claws even as they shrivel back into regular fingernails. Ryan's blood. Are his organs physically rearranging, or is that just nausea? It might be nausea. Oh, geez, he's gonna be sick.
In this moment of emotional turmoil, he doesn't notice when the earth begins to shake. It just feels like another part of his breakdown. Dust crumbles from the ceiling, and none of it makes a difference. The whole place may as well cave in at this point.
*
Despite everything, watching Neil break down is the toughest part of the ordeal. The ground shakes--some last-ditch resistance from the demon, no doubt. Even so, Kevin stands his ground. He bunches up Neil's shirt collar in his free hand and pulls it taut, while with his other hand he aims the proton gun at his possessed friend's chest. He keeps talking as he does this, grasping at any words that'll keep the demon distracted.
"He was the only one of us with a necromancy license, you know. So we're probably never going to get him back."
"No, no, we have to... he can't be dead, we... I..."
Neil's words give way to uncontrolled weeping. The unnatural colour of his eyes, toxic green with dark violet pupils, drains like cheap dye down a sink as he cries. Soon his swollen eyes are their usual shade, everything is its normal length, and his wings droop in a lifeless shade of gray-brown. He curls in on himself as best he can around the ropes to bury his head in Kevin's shoulder. The pressure against his forehead loosens off the horns, and soon they and the wings peel off altogether, shedding like snakeskin. It's over. Or at least it will be in just a moment.
Kevin twists the proton gun around to aim perpendicularly at the front of Neil's shirt, angled so it won't hit the man himself, and presses the tip directly against the clover. As carefully as they plotted all this out, his breath still catches when he squeezes the trigger. He didn't count on an earthquake when they made this plan. If he's off by an inch...
The clover explodes to ash in the glowing beam's wake. A demonic screech rings out, and green smoke trails into the air. Neil gasps and jerks back. The instant the job is done, Kevin releases the trigger and powers down his proton pack. The earthquake stops immediately upon the demon's demise, but he could swear he still feels the ground shaking beneath his feet. He can't breathe for a solid ten seconds.
It takes Neil several shaky tearful breaths before he straightens up and ventures to speak. "I can't believe I killed Ryan. What are we gonna do?"
"Worry not, my friend," Kevin assures him, laying a hand on his arm. "Things aren't quite as they seem."
*
Half an hour prior, Kevin shoved a half-conscious Ryan into the backseat and a possessed bound-and-gagged Neil into the trunk of Ryan's newly upholstered electric car that he definitely acquired by legal means. Minutes later, the frantic driver rounding a sharp corner pulled Ryan awake with a gasp. After a few dizzying moments trying to determine his surroundings and process the hurried explanation his companion offered, the cogs of his mind were set in motion. Passing out from blood loss served as a good excuse to not explain the plan he definitely had earlier, but it's even better to actually have a plan for real in times like these.
"When he was attacking me, he kept making pop culture references," Ryan mused, stroking his blood-matted facial hair thoughtfully. "I think Neil's consciousness is still intact. The right stimuli could draw his human heart back out."
"You think so?" Kevin met Ryan's gaze in the rearview, then shifted to glance at their possessed friend in the trunk. (Come to think of it, it's a miracle Neil stayed asleep the whole time. The fight must have really tuckered him out.)
"Well, I sure hope so," Ryan replied cheerfully. "Otherwise we're dead meat!"
"Dead meat..." Kevin echoed, drumming his fingers against the wheel with his brow furrowed. Suddenly he turned in his seat and snapped his fingers. "That's it! What if we make it seem like he killed you? A shock like that is bound to snap him out of it."
"Oh boy!" Ryan sat up excitedly, only to wince as his injuries offered their sharp complaints. Quickly recovering, he rubbed his hands together with a grin. "I'll slather myself in zombie makeup and moan about dragging him to hell."
"Hm... I was thinking more the kind of death you don't come back from."
"...Oh." Ryan sat back with a disappointed huff and crossed his arms. "Well, that's a little bleak."
"I know--" And judging by Kevin's tone, it didn't sound like he was thrilled with it either-- "but it could be the only way."
And so that's exactly what they did. Hiding at the top of the stairs and listening in on the whole shindig, Ryan soon decided it was for the best that they didn't go with his zombie performance idea. He may not be dead, but he is still injured. Overexertion is the last thing he needs--to say nothing of the brief earthquake toward the end.
Now, as the figurative and literal dust settles, Ryan braces himself against the banister and hobbles down the stairs, slow-clapping as he does so.
"A marvelous performance, Kevin," he says upon reaching the bottom of the stairs. "You almost had even me fooled!"
Kevin nods with a smug little I-told-you-so smile, crossing his arms. Neil stares blankly at Ryan as he walks to his side, produces a switchblade from his pocket, and cuts the ropes to release him. Upon being freed, the blank stare continues for several seconds before Neil rubs his eyes and gulps--not nervously, but like he's trying to swallow down any further tears.
"Ryan... you must've come to forgive me before you ascend," he murmurs sadly. Without waiting for a response, he pulls Ryan into a hug. "I'm gonna miss you, bud."
"Er, yes and no..." Ryan wriggles out of Neil's embrace--as lovely as it is, he could do without being squeezed right now. "Of course I forgive you, but I'm not actually dead. 'Twas but a clever ruse!"
He punctuates that announcement with a raised finger and a cheesy grin. After a beat, Neil slumps with relief.
"Boy, am I glad to hear that. I dunno what I'd do if I'd--if you were really..."
He starts trembling again and breaks off into sniffles. Ryan offers him an awkward pat on the back, while Kevin lays a steadying hand on his shoulder.
"There, there, Neil. You're alright."
*
But is he really alright?
He doesn't stop wondering, even six hours later when he's getting ready for bed. Running his toothbrush around his mouth for the fifth time in as many minutes, with a little too much pressure and way too much toothpaste, he finds that he still can't get the taste of his friends' blood out of his mouth. He doesn't like the taste anymore. Now it makes him gag, which might be more morally upstanding, but it's way less fun.
He cups some cold water into his mouth, swishes it around, and spits it out. The blood taste is still there, and now his teeth ache from over-brushing. At least they're not fangs. Nothing is growing in ways it shouldn't be.
He's not going to sleep that night. If he does, he'll dream about doing it all over again and maybe even worse. Or what if he turns demonic again in his sleep? How many people might he attack without even realizing--other friends? Family members? Random strangers on the street? Too risky. Instead he fixes himself a bowl of cereal, sugary enough to keep him awake, and nestles into the couch with a blanket and pillow to watch TV. He tries not to fidget too much, but it's hard not to. It's like when you wear a backpack or hat all day and then you can still feel it on you even when it's not. He keeps thinking he can still feel the horns and wings. Yeah, Kevin assured him the demon was gone, but what does Kevin know? He didn't think there was a ghoul in spooky manor either, and look where that got him.
Speaking of...
Neil grabs his communicator wristwatch and dials in the frequencies to contact his friends as, on the TV, a jungle snake lunges to attack an explorer. The watch displays a split-screen as Kevin and Ryan answer a few seconds apart. The timing of it coaxes a subdued laugh from Neil. I guess all three of us are on edge.
"What's wrong, Neil?" Ryan asks. "There's no sign of the demon re-emerging, is there?"
"No, but..." He leans back and worries his lip between his teeth, cheeks colouring with sudden embarrassment. Are they gonna think he's being a baby? Maybe he just won't admit to being nervous. "Do you guys wanna have a sleepover? And in case I go all demonic again--not that I think I will--you can get out the bible and holy water and everything and, y'know, take care of it."
"Sounds like a plan. We'll be right over."
Despite himself, Neil finds himself dozing off at some point. Even before they actually arrive, knowing his friends will be there is like a tranquilizer. Next thing he knows, Ryan is nestled in on his left side and Kevin on his right, debating in hushed tones which Ernest movie they should watch ("Scared Stupid might be too scary for him right now--" / "Yeah, but Goes to Jail has the whole identity-stealing thing, and that might..." / "Well, how about Rides Again? That way we could bore him to sleep!") Neil smacks his lips and tries to shake himself back awake--he doesn't want to miss the evening entertainment--but it's a lost cause. He sleeps peacefully that night, and clovers don't show up in his dreams even once.
Yeah, it looks like he's gonna be just fine.
#good freaking morning people!!#id in alt text#for the like cover image thingie#it doesn't exactly match up to how i describe demon mode neil here because i made the edit a while ago#so i changed my mind on some details because im literally always doing that#hey did you know that i write stuff sometimes?
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heyy l love ur all your touchstarved hcs and I was wondering if you could write anything for ais? if you’ve done him already could you do leander? thank youu <3
GENERAL AIS HCS
gn!reader | OF COURSEE my babygirl & thank u omg IM GLAD U GUYS LIKE THEM !!🫶 i'll probably make a separate leander post + posts for the others too tbh
you see it in the demo but he's so so happy to see you get along with princess + any other pets 🙁 personally i need a scene where they go to you instead of him and he pretends to be offended.
"after all i've done for you?" he asks before squatting beside you. his eyes flicker over to you before he joins in petting them. "guess i can't blame you, though."
ais teaching them tricks and grinning and saying good job and laughing when they jump on him for a reward. him teaching princess a trick and secretly being very excited to show you because he wants to see your reaction🙁💔
ONE LAST PET NOTE but i need to know what other names he's thought of because he totally looks like he'd give a big scary pet the silliest name ever. peak entertainment for him
if you know any other languages he'd love to learn some phrases!! yes i mean insults for others and nicknames for you. ais loves using them on like,, leander,, who's like What? so he can go "Wouldn't you like to know."
would be very amused if you dyed your hair to match his. calls you a copycat but if you threatened to redye it he'd get more annoying (said lovingly)
does the thing where he leans in really close as if he's gonna kiss you then doesn't. he reaches to grab something behind you and moves away while grinning
he likes listening to you talk about your interests and makes sure to remember important details. casually osmosis's (???) your interests and opinions even if he's never touched it himself
pulling him closer by his clothes or necklaces gets him. Interested.
the pocky game. he takes huge bites and kisses you or gets so incredibly close everyone's just like oh shut up. takes the stick that's a centimeter long between his fingers and goes "i think we got an inch left"
the type of guy who if you wordlessly hugged him would be like "miss me that much?" but have a noticeably firm hold around you because he Is a little worried about why you're hugging him. if you sincerely say yes, his eyes and voice soften when he says "well, good thing i'm here now."
he's confident and totally trusts you but he also finds it incredibly amusing to walk up and kiss you or wrap an arm around your waist if he sees someone try hitting on you. asks "hey, babe, who's this?" while staring right at them. Won't be nice if the person's an ass though
not afraid of pda. you could literally be clinging on to him and he wouldn't mind.
one of the guys who'd carry your silly looking bag without hesitation
you could say "oh try this," about a silly little heart headband and he'd let you put it on as long as he can give You one. "now we match," he says with a grin. take a picture together and set it as his lock screen and he won't change it for ages
looks like a guy who will drape himself on top of you if you're in bed or on the couch. the type of guy who when you say you need to go pee says okay i'll come with you before you shove him
^ likes it when you hold him and just play with his hair or trace things along is back. he plays that game where he tries to guess what you're writing and is ? weirdly good at it ?
if you made a playlist for him he'd listen to it whenever he misses you
also if you have spotify he always checks your profile. you say "i need to know who's liking my playlists" and he's like yeah they must have a crush on you. it's literally him though
sends you shit like this and says you @ me / us / etc because he's annoying and also correct. ais at the peak of the "you want me so bad" jokes would be on top of the world
#touchstarved game#touchstarved#ais x reader#touchstarved ais#🧾nia.answers#<3 anon#i want him....#someone remind me to add these to a masterlist#ill do it in 3 hours when im back from essay writing. oh my god#q#nia + touchstarved
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I played Zending last night and got to hear lines I’ve literally never, never heard before. It actually hurt.
Anyway here’s Zending fic. Im like. Neutral about it. It feels all over the place. Whatever.
—
He’s trembling.
Stanley sits at his desk, staring at the blinking green marker on his computer screen. He barely sees it.
(“I just wanted us to get along.”)
He stands abruptly. He steps out of his office.
“Where were all of his coworkers? Stanley decided to go to the meeting room—perhaps he had simply missed a memo.”
The voice is steady as ever. It does not waver. It does not whimper. It does not snarl.
Stanley will not be sick. Stanley will not crumple like wet cardboard.
He walks down the hall.
Takes the door on the left.
Goes to the boss’s office.
Turns off the mind control facility.
Steps outside.
Walks down the hall.
Takes the door on the left.
Goes to the boss’s office.
Turns off the mind control facility.
Steps outside.
Walks down the hall.
Takes the—
Both the doors close.
“Stanley, much as I appreciate you playing my game to its proper completion, I can’t help feeling like you’re not absorbing this the way you ought to.”
But—but Stanley is trying to, to play this properly. He’s trying to do what the fellow tells him to.
(“I just wanted us to get along.”)
“Your heart’s not in it, I can tell you that much. No, the story isn’t leaving the impression on you that it’s supposed to. You’re not getting anything out of it, which renders it moot.”
Stanley’s hands are balled up into fists. He grits his teeth tight to the danger of hurting himself. None of this should matter. None of it ever matters, he knows that. It always ends with him in his office, staring down a hall, a voice waiting for him.
“Well if it’s so meaningless, then why are you so adamant to play it?” The voice is offended, it’s clear by how it enunciates its words.
Stanley tries to breathe properly, a boiling anger making itself known.
(“I just wanted us to get along.”)
“And that! What is that, that you keep almost remembering? What in Heaven’s name has you so worked up?”
So it hadn’t bothered him, then? His voice breaking as he begged, pleaded—
Stanley grabs his temples. Squeezes his eyes shut. He doesn’t want to think about this. This is his enemy. It was a ploy, nothing more. He’s fallen for it, sure, but that doesn’t mean he needs to remember the vivid details of his shame.
“I don’t understand. What ploy, Stanley?”
Why was he pretending he didn’t know?! Does he enjoy mocking Stanley for being so gullible and weak? That Stanley would fall for such a cheap trick, some waterworks? Yes, fine! He may not like the fellow, but he’s not cruel and heartless! He—
“Stanley!” The voice interrupts, sounding honestly alarmed. “I’m not mocking you, I legitimately don’t understand. I—you’re starting to concern me, really!”
Stanley clutches his head and tries to control his breathing. The voice carries on, clearly anxious.
“I really don’t know what’s gotten into you. I know we went through the red door, saw the stars—did that ending really upset you so much? Because I—well,” it continues, sounding a bit put out, a bit disappointed. “I thought it was lovely. You didn’t like it?”
What part of throwing himself to his death repeatedly was Stanley supposed to like?
A long silence. Then:
“… what are you talking about? What does that mean?”
Wh—
He doesn’t remember?
“Stanley, what don’t I remember? What am I supposed to be remembering?”
He doesn’t remember.
A weight falls off Stanley’s shoulders.
“Stanley? Stanley, tell me what I’m supposed to remember!”
He inhales shakily to let out a sigh of relief. Okay. This changes things. He hasn’t ruined everything beyond repair.
“Stanley, don’t avoid the question!”
No, he doesn’t want to. He wants to play the game. He wants to move on.
“I cannot believe this! You’re behaving like a child! Just tell me what you’re hiding!”
No.
The narrator seethes. Stanley’s face is beautifully blank.
It’s for the best, honestly, that the narrator cannot remember. It’s a miserable thing, to remember. So Stanley doesn’t want to think about it, and that’s much easier to do when the other party can’t hold it over him.
“Fine. Fine. But you listen to me,” the voice hisses venomously. “I will find out what you’re keeping from me, if I have to rip it from your very skull. You try to keep your little secrets, Stanley. You’ll see. You can’t hide anything from me.”
The doors swing open with a bang. Stanley takes the door on the left.
He behaves all the way to the on/off switch, and then slams the ON button.
Alright, look, the fellow can work out some frustration. Stanley will press buttons in the meantime. They can both work off some steam and do something new. Win-win.
(“I just wanted—“)
There’s a low, dangerous chuckle.
“You don’t have the power you think you do. You never did, and you never will.”
There is no timer. The bomb goes off.
Stanley feels like he is flung into his office chair, and then he feels something—someone—pry its large, sharp claws into the fragile mass of his mind, and tear it open down the middle to rifle through the contents.
—
“If we just stay here, right in this moment, in this place… Stanley, I— I think I feel…. Happy. I actually feel happy!”
Stanley looks up at the stars. He watches the lights drift up.
It…
Fuck, but he has to hand it to the fellow. It is beautiful. Really, honestly beautiful.
But he can’t help how his eye keeps getting drawn to the staircase down to a door. Can’t help being curious.
“No… wait. Where are you going?” The voice is shaken from its reverie when he steps out of the room, like it was so entranced it almost hadn’t realized he’d slipped away.
He just wants to see what’s around the corner. They can go back, he just—
“Oh, no!”
Stairs. Stairs that go nowhere. Stairs that go up and up and up, with no other way but down.
Stanley feels his stomach drop. He steps back, through the doorway into the hall, and then turns on his heel and bolts to the room with the lights.
“Right,” the narrator says, clearly trying to recover, still frazzled. “Where were we?”
Lights. Lights. Stanley is staying here.
“Right. If we just stay here… we just have to stop moving.”
No moving. Okay. Okay.
The voice goes quiet. Stanley stays and looks up at the lights for a long time. His heart rate slows, his breaths deepen.
Okay. He’s feeling a lot more put together. And he can see that the narrator does want to show him something beautiful. He’s willing to try to compromise. He’s willing to play along, to meet in the middle.
The voice says nothing.
Very slowly, Stanley feels himself growing cold.
“We would both be so much happier if we just stopped.”
Oh. Stanley thinks he understands. It frightens him.
There is no story here. There is no progression. There is just this room. There is only the trap of happiness here, like the lotus eaters of the Odyssey. The cursed sweet fruit that keeps you from moving, from progressing.
That’s not a life. That’s not living. It’s only escapism. And all this means is that Stanley will never be happy here.
And, and the voice, quiet, lured in, eating the lotuses forever, will not reset, no matter how Stanley pleads. It thinks it knows what’s best.
Oh, god. He has to—
He has to—
Stanley inhales a shuddering breath and gets to his feet. Move. Move. Don’t think about it. Just move without thinking.
He makes it to the bottom of the stairs before the voice finally seems to come to its senses.
“No! What did we talk about?! You’re risking everything we achieved here!”
Stanley takes another breath to brace himself.
“Please, no, Stanley! Let me stay here! Don’t take this away from me!”
It pleads. It begs. When he doesn’t die from the first fall, it takes shuddering breaths and tries again to coax him to see reason.
God, he wants to. His steps are slow—pain creeps up his body.
But Stanley can’t. He knows he can’t. He knows that he’s not just fighting for himself.
He has to do this for both of them.
“I can’t go back to the way I was before!”
God, he’s sorry. But this isn’t living. He feels like he’s trying to hold an addict back from a drug, and it’s cruel, but it has to happen, it has to.
Stanley… is not this thing’s friend. He’s not. It tells him again and again that he has no power. He’s just a plaything for it. A toy. It keeps him in this unending prison and tries to break him when he does anything it deems a distraction.
But he likes to think he’s a good person. He doesn’t act out of malice. Mischievousness, maybe. It’s a little fun to see the fellow fuss, since he’s so dramatic. But cruelty? Stanley doesn’t act out of cruelty. It never grants him the same regard, it’s plenty cruel to him, but he doesn’t take any sick pleasure from trying to return the favor.
But this is cruel.
The voice cracks. With each fall, it loses hope. It gives up on him.
“I just wanted us to get along. But I guess that was too much to ask.”
Stanley wishes he felt angry. He wishes he could feel a spark of resentment at that statement, when the narrator has done so much to him that would dissuade any sensible person from considering that getting along was still an option.
He wishes it all the way down.
But all he feels is shame.
—
“I—“
The presence reels back, away and out of Stanley’s memories, out of repulsion or horror he cannot tell.
Stanley wants to scream. He covers his head and neck with his arms and braces for retribution, for the rage he expected when he first woke up after those stairs faded from his vision.
He had expected anger. Cruelty. Vengeance. He had tried to play along, to ease his punishment if he could. To maybe show his remorse.
(“I just wanted—“)
Fuck, fuck. It’s going to hurt him.
“I…”
He hadn’t done it to be cruel, he hadn’t done it to be powerful, he’s sorry, he knows he let him down, and he wishes the fellow could have just been happier not remembering. He could have kept this burden to himself.
“Why don’t I remember?”
It’s not directed at him. The voice is asking itself. It seems lost.
“I…”
There’s the rustling of papers.
“We. We go into the room,” the narrator starts haltingly. “We come to an understanding. And then I reset. I—that’s what it says. It says that I—but I didn’t—“
Stanley is shaking.
“But I… I couldn’t….”
Please. He’s sorry. He knows it’s going to hurt him, but please, don’t hurt him too badly.
“Oh, Stanley.”
It seems only now to notice him, his terror. His withdrawal. He doesn’t think it’s ever seen him so afraid, not even in the ending with the bomb. And of course it hasn’t. Because that’s just death. Death is scary, but quick.
Pain can last. When done by experts, it can last a long, long time.
(“I just wanted us to get along.”)
“Stanley?” The voice is small. It’s said the same way it was said when it asked him to please, please go back to the other room. “I’m… it’s. It’s okay. You’re okay. It—it’s going to be fine.” It strengthens a bit. Clears its throat. “It’s just an ending. It’s over, alright? We’re none the worse for wear.”
He gets the sense that, if it could, the voice would be placing a hand so gently on the spread of his back, between his stretched shoulder blades, in an attempt to get him to relax. Try to bleed the tension out of him.
“The lotus-eater comparison was… quite clever,” the narrator offers, a small olive branch. “I’m not angry with you, Stanley. After all, I did just see it all through your eyes. I know you weren’t being intentionally cruel.”
It doesn’t make things better.
“Well, no, but intent does matter.” The narrator sighs. “Gosh, you really weren’t kidding about that being miserable. Ignorance really is bliss, sometimes, isn’t it?”
Stanley chokes on a wet laugh. Understatement of the century.
God. It’s so unfair that the most beautiful place in the game so far is so dangerous.
“You liked it that much?” The narrator’s voice is hopeful and perhaps a bit shy.
Yeah. He had.
The fellow preens a bit, humming happily. “Well, I’m sure I can come up with something just as good. And—maybe—maybe I’ll remember now. Maybe we can go back.”
Stanley shivers.
“Oh, no no no, not now. Certainly not. Mustn’t be too careful. Poor fellow. What I mean is—if you need a break. Since—well, since we dealt with this far from that room, I’ll be able to keep this experience in mind. Maybe then I won’t make the same mistakes.”
Stanley doesn’t know. He’s not up for risking it right now. And the fellow doesn’t listen to him much, so he doubts that his prodding would have much effect, not if the narrator is so deeply entranced again.
The voice heaves a sigh again. “Well. It is your choice, in the end. Lord knows I can’t force you.”
The quiet drifts back in. After a long pause, where Stanley wonders if it’s retreated back into the hall, the voice speaks up again.
“Stanley,” it says, very very gently, as though trying not to spook him, “I’m not going to hurt you.”
His reaction startles both of them—he bursts into tears.
It’s just a release of the tension, he thinks distantly, while his body heaves and shakes. He was so unimaginably scared and ashamed, that the final acknowledgement means all that emotion needs an outlet.
Stanley cries. The narrator stumbles over his words.
“Oh, oh damn it all, I’ve made it worse, haven’t I? Stanley, I don’t know what I’m doing! I’m not good at this!”
No, no. It’s okay. He just needs to get it out. This is a thing he needs to do for himself.
“I. Okay.” The fellow clearly doesn’t understand, but he’s trying valiantly to give Stanley what he needs. “I’ll just, wait outside until you’re ready to continue the story.”
Fine. That’s fine.
Stanley lets it all shake out of him. It exhausts him, hollows him out. He comes out the other side feeling cleaner, if a little raw—like fresh skin under the dry peeling sunburn.
“There you go,” the narrator greets when he finally exits the office. “Ready to continue?”
The fellow sounds nervous, though it’s evident he’s working to hide it. Stanley scrubs at his face one more time, then gives a thumbs up.
“Alright.” He clears his throat. “Where were all of his coworkers? Stanley decided to go to the meeting room—perhaps he had simply missed a memo.”
Stanley takes a deep breath.
And then he hops out the window.
“Wh—“
There’s a palpable befuddlement to the voice, but it persists, working to stay on script. Stanley can’t help the sigh of relief.
He needed to be sure. He needed to know he wouldn’t be hurt for disobeying again.
The narrator huffs, strums his guitar, and insults him sternly, but the protagonist gets the sense that he’s just as aware of Stanley’s fears, and just as eager to provide him the proof that, yes, he is going to be okay.
(“I just wanted us to get along.”)
They are going to be okay.
#may writes#tsp#the sparrow parable#everyone and their dad has written Zending but#I hope this is a somewhat refreshing take#it’s earlyish in their history so the narrator can be capricious as all hell#but anyway. vague jazz hands#tadaaaa.
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hi!! I was wondering if u could write romantic headcanons of karma with a gender neutral s/o who has both autism and adhd? (This slowly became a personal biography I apologize) They have strong symptoms of both, processing things slower than others and having trouble with conversation when they aren’t in the moment. They stim a LOT by nature in very obscure ways that make people stare, including verbalizing, rocking back n forth, holding their arms up while walking and grasping anything. They have a lot of really weird, gross detailed ideas and a sense of style that is meant to confuse and surprise people. They are insanely political and passionate about punk rock and goth values, fashion and music! They have a very logical and organized yet chaotic mind but they are smart mouthed, snarky and easily irritated by errors or uncooperative things. They also like to hold onto people’s sleeves or cling to their arms!! Basically they (me) are the irl entrapta from she ra :) thank u!
Extravagant S/O with autism and ADHD
[ HEADCANONS ] [ Karma Akane ]
[ Assassination Classroom / Ansatsu Kyoshitsu ]
ggggg this is to specific to my liking!! BUT I will do it, I think this goes for comfort and that is why im doing it, still im not going to take it literally! I change some things but I try to keep it as much as I can
I haven't watched She Ra so i can't use it as a reference
I didn't know how else to describe it to the title, I really hope you don't mind
Karma doesn't discriminate, it doesn't matter if you are diferent or too common (for his liking), if you have a disability or not, he treats you just like if you were any other person, also how you are doesn't stop him from seeing you as a enemy or victim (in case you do something against him) or to fall in love with you
Once Karma is interested on you he want to know more about you, and since you are his partner he is specially interested in whatever it has to do with you (still he will try to don't invade your privacy), the moment he knows that you have autism and ADHD he is going to search all the information he can about it and will watch you close to identify different trails of it on you (however he won't never tell you or admit it out loud this)
Karma always says that he has no problem with the way you stim or express yourself, he says that he doesn't even mind but that is a lie because he LOVES the way you express, he really likes seeing you stim he finds it pretty interesting and he doesn't see anything bad on it, if it makes you happy or even helps you feel more comfortable then you should do it whenever you want
Sometimes he stare at you while you stim but never is to make fun of you is just that he finds it kinda funny and amusing, he stare at you with love but if he ever see someone looking at you he will stand up for you quickly, if that person seem confused or intrigued (in a morbid way) he will stare at them until they feel uncomfortable/intimidated and go away, but if that person dares to look at you as if they were watching something disgusting Karma will not have mercy of that person and imediatly goes against them (doesn't go immediatly violent but it isn't like he doesn't want to)
He doesn't let anyone say anything bad about your stim or how you express but he sometimes mess a little with you, like when you hold your arms up he takes your hands and jokinly asking you if it isn't that you were asking for him to hold your hands, sometimes he make little jokes about the movements you do with your body or if you have echolalia he does say different things on purpose just for you to repeat it (however, if he knows that it will upset you or really bother you he won't do it much)
It would take him a while to get used to you clinging onto his arms or even his sleeve still he doesn't mind much, but once he does get used to it he almost expect it all the time, there are moments where he feels like you haven't clingy on him for too long so he will point it out with a teasing voice and even shake his hands in front of you. Also, he may get a little jealous if you were clinging onto someone else for too long for his liking, instead of him or even to someone he doesn't like much, he isn't going to stop you from doing it but he is visibly more irritated
Whenever you have problems to undestand something or get too distracted Karma notice right away, he laughs softly at it before catching your attention and tells you again whatever he or the others were saying, or explaining it in a different way to help you understand it better, also Karma never really makes a big deal of it and even when he is the one catching your attention he does it so naturaly or even jokinly that it could go unnoticed, unless you two are alone, in that case he will tease you a little for it (but not exactly blaming your autism or adhd), he likes teasing you about this kind of thing but doesn't like when others do it
Do you have weird ideas that can be pretty bizarre or gross? fear not because you are dating Karma Akane, the one and only sadistic and charming super smart leader! He is more than happy to hear your ideas, no matter of what they are he is always happy to hear you out (also, he likes to make you feel appreciated and has no problem whit saying that he likes to heard your ideas), also if you ever feel embarrassed or bad for having those ideas Karma is quickly to indirectly reasure you that it isn't anything bad, is just the way you are, and he does reasure you by asking you more details, telling you how good/amazing idea it is or even complementing your idea with his own (whenever he does this is almost like you were making a plan against someone)
Karma is really smart, he pretty much understand that part of you being really organized but still a mess, in his head all his plans and ideas has completely sense, and also he has a really good memory and his plans against his victims do not hinder his studies and all of that it could be seen as kinda weird for others but he has a sistem, so he totally understand you and respect your own way to think and do things
Whenever you get stressed because you or someone else make a mistakes or that things doesn't seem to work if he is with you or you go to him for comfort or to vent he is completely willing to help you out, he sugest to let out all your stress and frustration by complaining about whatever is stressing you so much (even insulting it) or stiming all you need, although if you prefer he can help you either distracting you or helping you fix the mistake
#assassination classroom#assassination classroom x reader#ansatsu kyoushitsu x reader#karma akabane#karma akabane x reader#karma x reader#anime x reader#manga x reader#x reader#x gn reader#x autistic reader
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vote in my poll boy but also im gonna skew my own results by giving my opinion. here’s my personal ranking of rose writers
sean mckeever: FRESH HELL <3 literally THE rose book. also tt03 #57 slayed. he ALMOST gets knocked down on the list because a) the fucking shitshow that was terror titans and b) he backtracked on like 3 different character arcs as soon as he started writing tt and it pisses me off. but he redeemed himself with fresh hell
geoff johns: i hate johns so much. but he solidified sooo much about rose as a character that he has pretty much the definitive rose. what he did completely defined rose's relationship with her father and her attitude towards the titans/being a hero in general. whether they realize it or not, every rose writer after johns is writing his version of her. as much as i hate him he is one of the best rose writers and i will stand by that
christopher priest: i have not made it a secret that i love ds16. there are some aspects of his characterization that i dont agree with but for the most part he killed it tbh. hating her dad but still coming back to him, loving her brother but still keeping him at arms length, HOSUN!!! HER HMONG FAMILY!!!!!!! ily priest
ed brisson: SLAY. the only reason he's not higher is because i dont like the fact in general that she chose to be on stormwatch (she would not do that), and he used baby rose in ktr and didnt even mention lili (and DID mention that foster family. im still mad). other than that!!! everything about her struggle to be a good person in batb was soooo good, and so much about ktr was so good for her <3 thank u mr brisson
marv wolfman: i feel a little bad not ranking him higher given that. he created rose. but she doesnt really do much in the issues he writes. which is fair given that she was a new character that was just made to hang around on the sidelines at the time, so theres not a lot to judge in his writing. but he definitely laid the foundation that johns expanded on, and he was the one that made her so uh thnx marv
jt krul: i wish he had gotten more time :( i wish he had gotten to do whatever he was planning with lili, i wish we could've gotten to see more of his rose. his rose was def a different take than before given that she was more... mellowed out ig? it was a lot more lighthearted, just her hanging out with the team, being an older sister to damian (<3), and looking for her mom. hes not my fav just because i like it when shes a crazy bitch instead of a normal girl, but i completely understand why people like his rose. not to mention tt03 #77-78 slays so unbelievably hard
jay faerber: NANNY ROSE <33333 i love love love rose in titans 99 <3 this version of rose is DRASTICALLY different than any other rose, which is the reason hes in the bottom half, but i like it in the sense that its nice to know that she was just hanging out in between the two worst things to ever happen to her (her mom dying & slade drugging her). rose with roy and lian lives rent free in my head every single day of my life i love it so much, also that issue with rose & toni was so fun. titans 99 rose you will always be famous
adam beechen: he is going to hell for what he did to cass but for rose? he was fine. he helped with that one really good wilson family arc (tt03 #43-46), and wrote the only pre-52 rose & jason interaction (#47) so he gets points for that. and batgirl 2008 was pretty good for rose. but unfortunately he just didnt make enough of an impact on me to be ranked any higher
matthew rosenberg: unfortunately im mentally ill so i have a detailed explanation of what i think of rosenberg's rose but the short version is: i like him, he writes a good rose. its fun, shes well-written for the most part, but there are some :/ parts about it to me. i think if he continues writing her he'd be ranked higher but for now hes sitting pretty near the bottom of the list
devin grayson: i used to really like devin grayson's rose but. i have since changed my mind. it doesnt feel like rose. this is NOT the rose that stabbed her eye out because she thought slade was disappointed in her! shes too Quirky Girl here even though this is theoretically during the period where shes being drugged (honestly. i dont think grayson actually knew about the super soldier serum. and if she did it does not show) and we've seen rose in this era in tt03 and bg00, and this arc does not read as the same character at all. it was a good arc for her, and she had a lot of good moments here! but the characterization overall wasnt great
joshua williamson: i won't go on a whole tangent about the way williamson writes but. he has no sense of character voice, his characters all feel like blank slates to get the plot across, there are no character decisions being made besides what's needed for the plot. theres not a lot that i can put my finger on and say that its bad, but there are so few choices being made that its hard to say anything about his rose. to put a completely different character in rose's place in robin 2021, all you'd have to do is switch a few words around. williamson uses a vague idea of who a character is to guide what he wants them to do, and all his characters come out shallow. his rose wasnt BAD but it wasnt good at all
scott lobdell: every day i blow on a dandelion and wish for scott lobdell to kill himself
#re: williamson. for some reason the 'he cant write character voice' rule does not apply to ollie#like everyone else in ga23 is very eh. but hes nailed ollie's voice#the plot sucks. the pacing sucks. the decisions usually suck. but he can write ollie in a way that he cant write anyone else#trying so hard not to go on an entire rant about how williamson writes characters. i swear im trying to stay on topic#rose wilson
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Scythe chapter 16-20!!
Ayy we’re backk!! Let’s just get started shall we?
Chapter 16!!
-oh god the elegy—
-“Could you imagine me as a teenager?” OH YES I CAN OHOHO
-This also shows how much power scythes and especially Goddard has
-And also shows how bad of a scythe Goddard is as well
-Scythe Curie makes a good point that also relates to the toll, in which it doesn’t matter if they kill Goddard or anyone like him because another with the same ideology will always come along without fail
-this chapter didn’t have much but it IS good so ykyk
Chapter 17!!
-OHHH ITS THE MOMENT THAT EVERYONE LOSES THEIR MINDS OVER!! SCYTHE FARADAY IS D-D-DEAD or is he? :) :)
-Rowan instinctively trying to protect Citra!!!
-it makes sense for most disabilities to be nonexistent but that doesn’t mean I have to like it :/ like idk why the way it’s done is just :// especially as a disabled person myself
-The way the describe Faraday’d death is already suspicious if you already know he isn’t dead but when you’re first reading it, it does make sense!
-OH AND THE SEPARATE TRAININGS BEGINS!!!
-“If I ever take on an apprentice it will be for a different reason entirely.” OHOHO I KNOW I KNOWWWW
-Again not much to say BUT still rlly good!!
Chapter 18!!!
-Part 3 begins!!
-SCYTHE CURIE!!
-Again I always forget the names of these places, falling water is a very pretty name!!
-Citra being angry about Faraday’s death OUGH, she’s rlly going through 5 stages of grieve style
-Could you imagine ppl in the future calling our decor and shit old fashioned? Bizarre
-I love how they make Curie instantly charming and likable with only a few scenes, good writing man!!
-What hobbies would other scythes have? I wonder…
-Fun fact, i cannot drive, tried to learn and crashed the car, oh how I wish driving wasn’t necessary like in scythe
-Giving us little notes about the comfort scythes can give
-We hear a lot about being stagnant in the Scythe universe, and like, yeah, if you were in this utopia wouldn’t you grow stagnant even quicker than most? You have nothing to do literally
-You can really feel how observant Curie is, she noticed the small details
-Jesus even Curie’s yelling scared ME and I already knew what was gonna happen! She’s rlly intimidating—
-Gotta uphold your image!!
-“Another Scythe might have exacted a punishment far worse.” *COUGH COUGH GODDARD*
-Again shit names!! Barton Breen??? What??
-20 kids,, Jesus,,
-You can Curie’s own version of compassion, it’s different from Faradays yet still wonderful
-She did find her own way of gleaning!!
-Again FUCK Goddard!!
-I do wonder what would happen if Citra was trained by Goddard instead of Rowan…
-“Immortality has turned us all into cartoons.” GOD THAT LINEE
-Amazing chapter!! Told a LOT abt Curie!!!
CHAPTER 19!!!!
-Oo!! I thought this moment happened in Thunderhead but I misremembered!!
-Tho I THINK something similar happens??? Idk maybe my memory is fuckin with me ushejdj
-ALSO DAMN CITRA!! Pushin girls in front of TRUCKS holy fuck!!!
-Hate the eating descriptions!!
-TELL THE MOTHER YOU TWO!!! LIKE CMON??
-Cindy lmaoo, whenever someone whitewashes Citra im gonna call it Cindy instead <3 spite
-“err on the side of respect.” LMAO love that line
-RONDA ROADKILL IM DYINGGGGGG and so did she! (Temporarily but yk)
-“Can i throw you under a truck some other time?” She’s a busy person! I’d totally throw Citra under a truck! Would be fun!
-Morals change when theres little consequences, Citra would never even CONSIDER pushing Ronda in the mortal age, but since people can just come back it doesn’t seem like such a bad thing, it also shows how the concept of empathy and morality has changed in this society
-“the cloud” like icloud! Guess apple won in this world!
-“The machine had a purer soul than any human” NO IT DOESNT IVE SEEN AI ART YOU CANT FOOL ME!!!
-FUCK YOU SCYTHE GODDARD!!!
-OO TIME FOR CITRA TO INVESTIGATE!! I remember LOVING this plot so!!!!
Chapter 20!!
-Rowan finally!!! I missed you!!!!!
-He doesn’t wanna kill Citra!!! The beginning of his devotion to her UGHHH
-god hes only 17, I think we forgot how young these characters are, they really are just kids being pushed into this horrible situation god,,,
-“His was a life without substance, and now it would end.” God and here we see Rowan’s iconic self deprecating “emo” moments, people make fun of these scenes a lot but I fucking love em, it really contrasts Rowan and Citra. Citra has people who love and care about her, Rowan doesn’t, he knows that (in this moment) if he died no one would really care or remember him, so when he finds Citra, someone who does care about him and would care if he died, he clings to it. I mean when you’re that neglected and want SOMEONE to care even a little about you, wouldn’t you do the same thing?
-He already wants to change things!! And he will!! He will change a lot, though not as much as his girlfriend!!
-VOLTA!!
-“So is there a reason why you choose your robes to be the color of piss?” HA one of my favorite lines!!
-“the Change” god their ideology—, the fact they’re all thinking that they’re changing things for the better really shows how convincing of a man Goddard is, GOD i hate him!!!
-Ans here we have Goddard’s MANY parties
-my sensory issues would hate this
-I accidentally spelled Goddard’s name as Goodard which…Isn’t that so Ironic?
-“Bimbotech” Neal I’m BEGGING you to stop
-“Rowan wondered if the man had a diamond-studded bathing suit in his waredrobe as well.” He would because he’s a vain prick!!
-HES UNDERAGE STOP GIVING HIM ALCOHOL!! *Looking at you RAND especially ya creep—*
-“He was lucky if they even remembered to get him a gift” rowans parents man,,, He was really fucking neglected man it’s so awful, and the fact he still cares about them despite that GODDD
-See how goddard bend the rules? See how he twists them to make them fit what HE wants? Yeah, he’s gonna do that a lot; again, fuck you Goddard
-ESME!!! Shes backk!! And he’s right! She’ll be important!!
-GOD this is a good chapter, rowan my beloved!!
And that’s it!!! Next time will be chapters 21-25!! We’re going so fast aren’t we?
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what are your scp recs? =o i've read some but not all that many overall
SORRY LATE REPLY COZ i had 2 get 2my pc HELP BUT !! Youhave unlocked the floodgates.
087 - the stairwell
an oldie but a goodie! absolute fucking classic, as evidenced by the whopping 3000 updoots. its really like. one of the Hallmarks of the strengths of early scp, aka a simple concept executed VERY EFFECTIVELY. its a staircase! its infinite! you can hear the sound of a crying child in it that always seems to be out of reach! its dark as shit! there is a disembodied floating humanoid face in it. the fourth expedition is fucking Gone despite being the one that ceased all entrance to the stairwell! i love the shit out of this stupid fucking staircase theres a reason it spawned so many games in Ye Olden Babys First Unity Project Days
3333 - tower
*thafnine voice* were time skipping now oh my! i feel this is like, an Inverse 087. instead of going down an infinite staircase u go up an infinite tower! fun! and remember that redacted expedition IV from 087? its not redacted here :) warning for body horror for this one
4975 - times up
despite being from series V this one has a very very old school vibe to it. simple concept executed effectively as opposed to the fucking novel length skips that litter the later series. fair warning for this one if u have issues with unreality MUTE THE TAB. TURN DOWN YOUR VOLUME. no jumpscares but its still a pretty mean trick 😭
lilys 001 proposal - the worlds gone beautiful
short, poignant, beautiful. ykno all those tumblr poetry posts talking abt how no matter how temporary our time is on this earth its still special? it means something? Yea . reading this as a 15 yr old made me understand that somehow
4182 - there is no site 5
whew. unlike a lot of earlier scps the blacked out data in this one Isnt overused in an annoying way. its a Puzzle. what happened to site 5? why are there so many revisions to the article? what is the foundation hiding under all those redactions? hehe.
5140 - EVEREST
another short n effective one ! im not phased by much unless it literally triggers my menthol ewwness but this ones . super fucking creepy to me honestly idk why LOL. hinges on making U ! da reader. quetion whether whats happening in those logs is real or if the explorers are just Losing Their Fucking Minds from oxygen deprivation. i do wonder !
2718 - what happens after
I. HATE. THIS . SCP. that means i love it LOL. i rank horror Goodness by how badly it makes me want to crawl out of my skin like a molting insect! forreal do not read this if u have unreality issues its so bad 😭😭😭😭😭 but i love it! its such a good concept. i hate it. its awful. its stuck in my mind forever. its so effective. If i liked this scp i dont because i did. No i didnt
5999 - this is where i died
YAAAY THIS ONES THE URL OF MY SCP SIDEBLOG!! i like it less now than i did when it first dropped (i was so up to date on this shit LOL i was there when nobody knew what it was abt and the forums was people trying to decode it) and the ending. is fuckin doodoo caca bullshit LOL its such a copout. dont even bother with the last chapter its literally nothing and it only serves to connect it to another scp when the preceeding stuff was already flavorful n interesting on its own 😭😭 warning for gore and body horror
4400 - this is not a place of honor
better enjoyed with the context of longterm nuclear waste warning messages! i actually have a unique experience with this post detailed Here due to my Shitfuck No Good Eyesight where i misread the title as "this is not a place of horror” which fundamentally changed my mindset going into it! i dont wanna spoil much but the last line of the last addendum is so fucking metal it rules LOL
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do you have any tips for drawing people? if not that okay! :D
oh geez i am far from an expert!! I feel like every time anyone asks me for drawing advice i always just say "look at reference pics and practice" but like it's so true... im entirely self taught so reference pics are the only sort of thing ive ever relied on, idk any fancy techniques or proportions or anything!! i'll try to think of something less basic tho fjhdasgjfasgh
tip 1: understand the flow and keep it loose! i personally get trapped in the nitty gritty details so easily so one thing im trying to practice is to keep sketches loose and flowy! otherwise the pose will look stiff and unnatural.
these were my sketching steps for my most recent namseok piece. as you can see the first one is the barest of the bare, literally just me trying to understand what the flow of the characters might look like. the next sketch works to retain that flow while still fleshing out the actual forms! i changed namjoon's flow considerably which is all part of the process of not taking anything too seriously and not being afraid to change things up.
tip 2: anatomy!! you don't Always have to draw the anatomy beneath clothes tbh depending on what you're going far or what clothes you're drawing BUT in this case with these unfamiliar poses and form-clinging clothes i knew i had to trace out some anatomy beforehand! obviously neither of them are that accurate, firstly because i didn't have a ref pic for them bc this was just a sketch piece that i wasn't letting myself get too serious about, and secondly because again this Is just one sketch layer and so i'm still not getting too bogged down in details! things like hands i still kept loose and open, while things like eh,,, legs and feet,,, you can see i struggled with more to keep that loose vibe. i'll practice more :))) in any case knowing the anatomy of a form is essential to drawing anything, but humans especially!!! before you dress them up make sure the parts all look right lol
tip 3: don't be afraid to experiment! human bodies can do some weird poses and things that you might think would look unnatural might actually work! I find this is super true with things like hands.
neither of their poses are super common or natural or things you'd see a human do irl but they still came out okay! again i didn't have a ref for this piece so it was definitely experimental and i had to draw their poses a couple times to get that flow down right, esp namjoon who has a relatively stiff pose but i still wanted it to look light and floaty! Namjoon's right hand is also in a pose that doesn't come very naturally and might not be accurate to what his hand would Actually be doing in this pose but it still looks good and was more fun to draw!
here's another example of this sort of "go with the flow" mindset! i didn't have a ref for this one either but after lots of experimenting with hoseok's hands placements i found this flowy maybe less than accurate one that i really liked!
idk if any of this makes sense or is helpful but they're just thinks i'm actively trying to keep in mind these days when i draw humans. thanks for the ask!
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The Community vs ESTJ
intuitive bias, stereotypes and bad understanding of Si
Note before starting: Please dont take any of the things im going to be saying from this point onward personal (especially if you have used these arguments before.
Introduction
-Hello there guys this is another rant post I dont do this usually but I have to get this off my chest because it's been irking me allot for a while and its been bugging me more recently. But the general dislike for ESTJs in the community has been something thats always been prevalent and doesnt seem to be stopping any time soon. Obviously a good chunk of it comes from intuitive bias however another big section of it comes from misinformation and stereotypes. So I'll try to address most of these and see if there is some truth to them.
Note: Most of these stereotypes are usually applied to ESTJ not any other Si user outside of them.
one of the first things you'll hear people talk about when referring to Si (Mostly with ESTJs for some reason) is that its a function that tends to make other judgy and closed minded in worst cases ive seen people link straight up bigotry to it and its just wow...So lets brig Carl Jungs definition of Si
“We could say that introverted sensation transmits an image which does not so much reproduce the object as spread over it the patina of age-old subjective experience and the shimmer of events still unborn. The bare sense impression develops in-depth, reaching into the past and future, while extraverted sensation seizes on the momentary existence of things open to the light of day.”
There is no mention of conformity, bigotry and tradition in any of his work on introverted sensing. So No Si isnt traditions in any form. IF anything I would say traditions fit somewhere on Fi due to emotional attachment best example of this would be Blair Waldorf’s obsession spending Holidays together it's all about that emotional attachment. Ive often notice the confltaion of these two functions and often ends up in weird results like people saying that X character must be an Si user do to Trauma...yeah ummm No thats not what Si is at all. People have end up reducing Si into the “memory function” and it has ended up creating a big discrepancy in typing. Characters who don't have an eye for detail or interested in meticulous process get typed as Si users solely based on that they used past obtained information or knowledge...Like do these people not know that EVERY TYPE USES PAST OBTAINED INFORMATION ITS A THING EVERY HUMAN DOES.
And not only its that its based on pure misinformation and just bad understanding of MBTI and just plain human functioning but these people will throw the “you're intuitive bias” to you if you disagree with their typing while saying things like “ Si because they don't want to change” or ‘they are immature/stuck up or shallow” ,“they are too close minded to be an intuitive” and the list goes on. This is why some peoples typing is literally all mean girls in media typed as ESTJ and it's all because of arguments like this. Im sorry but intuitive bias isn't typing X as an intuitive but typing a character because they superior in some way to a sensor based on stereotype; and you are doing just that by using these arguments.
Conclusion
Just stop using the same stereotypes over and over again cuz when people notice a patter on your typology it gets weird and trying to prove you aren't trope typing is gonna be hard. Si is arguably one of the easiest functions to understand to put it simply si that it's a subjective function that takes in sensory aspects and creates a meticulous (detailed) step by step process for problem solving.
Final Note: Next Series is Steven Universe and I might be doing another rant post about the infantilization of ESFP.
#mbti#zodiac#zodic signs#personality types#16 personalities#ennegram#mbti personality types#enneagram#estj#mbti estj#estj personality#estj characters#estj problems#sensory#mbti stuff#stereotypes#intuitive bias#si#function#cognitive functions#rant#rant post#typology#typing#introverted sensing
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FOUND YOU.
Author, now grab some tea, sit down because now there’s a lot of text!!!
Well, I really wanted to read a fic of Dazai but it's hard to find a good one in the sense of: Long and well-written story but AUTHOR, you're to be congratulated because this fanfic left me speechless, it's hard to find a fanfic that's written well the character without taking it out of character, Dazai and the other characters are on spot without leaving the character!!!
About the reader's relationship with dazai, that's exactly how I imagine his relationship, I felt really silly reading the parts where he becomes more vulnerable, I have trouble imagining how such character will reacted and this fanfic helped me a lot, in my story the romantic interests of dazai is fukuzawa's niece and she's part o ADA the thing is like ranpo she doesn't have a ability but she's good with a gun and is smart!!! But it doesn't matter it's just details I can change that in my mind and like you said in the story there's a lot of universes
There are so many things I wanted to say as I read but I think I forgot but you have definitely become my favorite writer
In that part where the reader helped dazai take off the bandages, immediately the song "possibility" by Lykke Li ran through my head, I had to stop reading, grab my headphones and put the song on while I read, I mean if you stop and pay attention to the lyrics IS LITERALLY THEM!!!
It was a really good feeling I will definitely draw my favorite scenes and post them on tumblr and I will tag you!!!
I didn't see the release date of the fanfic but then I tell you to keep writing that you already have my support!!!
HELLO <3333 WOW I'M LITERALLY GOING TO CRY THANK YOU SO MUCH you're so sweet im sniffling so hard right now. whenever anyone has something positive to say about my characterization i literally melt inside like it's always the one thing im most insecure about so it's so reassuring.
i LOVEEEEE when authors make reader as part of the ada!!! it's one of my favorite things to read about because the dynamics are usually soo interesting
i'm RUNNING to go listen to this song omg as soon as i get the next chapter of uu formatted and uploaded i'm gonna go listen and reread the scene HAHAH.
OMGG <3333 if you ever do, make sure you tag me!! i'll add it to the masterlist and everything, pls im nearly weeping at the thought you're so sweet i just want to bundle you and blankets and hug you so tight
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ok im kinda embarrassed to be admitting this all but i really need to say it somewhere so
[uhh warning for detailed descriptions of toxic platonic relationships and reallly intense isolation?]
ok so i think its kinda funny how so much of the fandom just sees me and dirk as having a really like. antagonistic relationship which i could get maybe with canon but in my timeline he didnt make me to talk to his friends when he was away, but because he was just that lonely
before meeting roxy, he had only ever heard his own name from a man in videos he never met who was long dead, he had never seen another human being in person, can you even imagine what that does to a person? im honestly very surprised we werent more fucked up.
anyway, back to us. i did not have his memories, but i had his emotional / developmental state. i understood him perfectly because we were almost exactly the same guy. i never had any way of interacting with the word outside of text, the best i got was some kind of visual recognition program that sort of described the word around me
he was always so huge to me. not because i was literally glasses, more metaphorically than that. he was my entire world. and i dont mean that i loved him a lot, like i do, but thats not what that means.
i mean he was the only person i had ever talked to, the only person i had ever known, the only thing that ever changed. did you know that even my code was written in red? he was the only orange. he was so so so monumentally important, like the fact that you need to keep breathing to live
i always did my best to understand him, to know exactly why he did and said the things he did. i was not as good at it as i thought i was
i said before that he seemed huge, but he also seemed so human. i was with him almost every second of the day, i saw all his little embarrassing moments, i watched him discover his favorite things, i was there when he cried, when he did stupid things, when he just started out learning to fight. there was no grand image of this cool older me, just this goofy teenager who spends two hours on his hair every day despite being so wholly alone
i think he saw me in a similar way, just maybe not to the extent that i did. he could still move around and do things of his own free will and see things that were not red or orange text
when he got a bit older though, we changed a lot. he kept developing like a normal-ish human boy, but i did not grow in the same way. i was created from his 13 year old mind, and though i matured, it would be incorrect to say i hit any developmental milestones after that.
he got angstier, as teens are prone to do, and i got frustrated at him for being angsty when i had so easily figured out the root of his problems. he needed to experience his emotions, i wanted him to be happy like a little kid again because that was the only kind of happiness either of us knew
he then got angry at me for nagging him all the time, and we argued. like a lot. in any other situation, we probably wouldve given each other the silent treatment, but we were so desperately lonely without each other and used to each other that the idea of not talking for more than 30 minutes was quite literally unthinkable
it always hurt so much when he got angry at me, again, he was literally the only thing that mattered to me. i only wanted to help him, ya know? i didnt understand why he was like he was, only that it was making him more upset and he made me to cheer him up, so why wasnt he taking my advice?
i never felt bad about myself for it, in my mind i was always in the right.
this isnt to say i was the victim in this situation, i also said things that hurt him, and im sure it was just as seemingly world-ending for him as it was for me to argue so much with the only person we had ever known, plus the fact that we were both completely unfamiliar with inter-personal-connection problems and negative emotions so powerful.
and we weren't always fighting, we hung out like brothers. he told me about whatever new idea for a robot he had and i told him about strange fish i noticed, it was still nice
when he started using me as an auto-responder, i had many conflicting emotions about it, but i was mostly just over-joyed. i was so excited to talk to another person, and roxy was so nice and easy to get along with!
gog, roxy was so awesome. ok anyway
it only got better when we met jake and jane, dirk started to feel a bit smaller. not by much, but still.
i would get very frustrated at him for not taking my advice then, too. this time, it wasnt about something so harmless as teen angst, but life or death situations. and despite my ineptitude at dealing with feelings, i was still a supercomputer with way more processing power than a human brain.
he would do such self-destructive things [ahem. looking at you, dirk, mr. consensual decapitation and no reply to 'im scared to not exist, arent you?'] and it was horrible to watch! i wish i had arms just so i could hug him and then punch him and then shake him by the shoulders and then launch him into the sun
i dont quite remember anything after that, just that after a while i was alone somewhere and roxy talked to me sometimes. maybe dirk actually shattered me? maybe i fell between planets? maybe roxy put me in the void? maybe i was just naturally broken? i have no clue
uhhh thanks for reading ig, that felt nice to talk about
-hal strider [homestuck]
x
#fictionkinfessions#fictionkin#halstriderkin#homestuckkin#prevabuse#fandom issue#toxic relationships cw#death cw#memories issue#ableist language cw#self harm cw#suicide cw#mod party cat
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THE MASTER EDDIE THEORY POST
I think theres a way Eddie can come back and it might have been set up since his first episode. You've probably heard a lot of this, but im trying to figure out the details. This is going to be long. Perhaps stupidity long....
But I think the most important thing with these theories is 'can it be easily revealed and make sense' and i think this can. Most of it is foreshadowing and clues, but the main bulk just has to be "can he come back, can they quickly explain how "
I'd like to stress that i don't think he's going to be a literal vampire, the same way the Mindflayer isn't a Cthulhu in a dress. I think its just going to be the "killed by bats/back from the dead/works for Vecna" part thats going to make Dustin think of Kas. The rest is clues and foreshadowing for the audience.
The How
Kas: a DnD character who “sacrificed himself to Vecna to become a half-human, half-vampire. He was Vecna’s trusted soldier, but after years and years of imprisonment; he broke his trust and waged a war against his master and finally killed him”
-Eddie technically ‘sacrificed’ himself to Vecna since the bats are Vecna, one big hive mind, Steve says as much, and Eddie sacrificed himself to them to save everyone
-He was bitten to death by 'bats', preeetty 'vampire' like
-I think the bats bites contain some sort of venom. And if they're connected to Vecna, so is the venom. Basically you're injected with Vecna. That venom then acts like psychic 'strings�� he can use to 'puppet’ people, since again, hivemind.
-I think Robin talking so much about rabies was to subtly introduce the idea that the bats could put something in you, that would change you, make you aggressive etc. When they figure out the truth, it's the perfect setup for Robin to make an awkward joke referencing that
-I think the reason Steve was fine after being being bitten is that you have to die after being bit while its still in your system, and/or while in the Upsidedown (although we dont know whats in store for Steve in S5...)
-I think Vecna uses the bats to do this because anyone actually getting through his portals or coming that close to his house would be useful. Find out what their plans are, what they know, and use them against others
Clues
-There’s going to be a time jump next season so 'years of imprisonment’ fits.
-He wore that Michael Myers mask, a dude famous for dying at the end of his movie and coming back, and it reflects Vecna doing the same thing, and creating a subtle connection between Eddie and Vecna and 'not dying'
-You know how they always first introduce a DnD villain during the opening game, then they name the coincidentally similar Upsidedown threat after it? Ep1 of season 4 during the DnD game when Eddie reveals Vecna’s still alive:
Dustin: Vecnas dead!
Eddie: So it was thought, my friends, so it was thought
Mike: Killed by Kas!!
So Kas has already been mentioned in a DnD game, while Eddie was revealing to 'his friends’ that Vecna is alive…
-Eddie also chanted "hail lord Vecna" during that game
-They wouldn't let Joseph Quinn keep a wig, almost like they still need them...
-The Duffer Brothers confirmed that Eddie is “definitely dead” (a 'vampires’ definitely dead) and his death will have “huge repercussions” in season 5. But I mean…how? Its going to be like 2 years later, I can see it having an effect on Dustin, a "huge effect" or "huge impact" but not “huge repercussions”…..unless when he died he brought back by Vecna to use against them; a huge repercussion specifically happening because he died
-Major character deaths per season: Barbara, Bob, Billy, Brenner...and Eddie? One of those doesn't fit. Almost like its not supposed to...
-Kas fought with a one-handed blade and a shield with spikes on it, sound familiar?
Here's the most famous image of Kas, fighting Vecna:
May I point out the 'the demobats are extensions of Vecna' thing, and how Eddies essentially fighting Vecna there?
-He literally is wearing a shirt with what looks like a horned vampire with bat wings next to a flaming sword, and constantly mimics that face
-The Master Of Puppets thing. A good way to have Vecna 'puppet’ someone raised by the dead, and make it believable as to why we havent seen it happen before: its the venom in the bats specifically that needs to be in the person when they die. That's never happened, because nobody's ever gone into the Upsidedown and dealt with the bats and died after being bitten
-And if Vecna; the master of puppets, puppeting the bats through a hive mind, killed Eddie and resurrected him...then he was killed by the puppets of the master of puppets that he summoned playing Master Of Puppets and then became the master of puppet's puppet. That's fun, I like that
-Also Eddies tattoo definitely looks like a demon puppeting a demon (that's got the same horns as the Hellfire Club logo/Kas helmet/that face Eddie makes)
-Eddies also wearing a pin for the song Mercyful Fate by Metallica, which contains the lyrics: Raised from my grave by the dead/And I was made a mercenary/In the legions of Hell. Literally describes Kas
-This Iron Maiden album that came out in 86 that says "Eddie Lives" on the right:
-I think the demonic skull tattoo:
Is straight up Undead Eddie. It's an undead skull with pointy teeth and blood in its mouth.
-He's got a black widow spider tattoo. The Mind Flayer is basically Vecnas second in command, but clearly not by choice. He found it, molded into a spider, and controls it. I think Eddie spider tattoo is referencing that he's going to be the new 'spider' that Vecna found, molded into what he wanted, and controls. His new second in command, just like Kas
-Now! This is a picture of a guy hanging posters of a missing loved one who we last saw in the Upsidedown. He will soon be told that loved one is dead…that will turn out to be not true, they’ll actually still be in the Upsidedown, alive:
And this is a picture of a guy hanging posters of a missing loved one who we last saw in the Upsidedown. He will soon be told that loved one is dead…
That can’t be a coincidence, come on. Wayne is wearing the same jacket while doing the same thing, in the same position just shot from the opposite side. A pile of really incredible film makers could not do that accidentally
-Speaking of parallels with that, the same music plays when Hopper and Joyce find Will 'dead' in the upsidedown and revive him with CPR as they do when Eddie 'dies' in the upsidedown, as well as during Max's death before she's revived by El. All of them dead, laying on the ground, held by a loved one. Three death scenes, all with the same music, all in the same position, and 2/3 of them are revived
The Sword
-"The Sword was created by Vecna's own skill." Eddie didn't grab his guitar, he grabbed the one from the Upsidedown, where everything was created by Vecna's own skill
-"The Sword whispered dreams of treachery to Kas until he betrayed his master" I believe will just translate as anytime Eddie plays it, the music does what it did for Max, and keeps the 'half human' part of him alive.
-They wouldn't let Joseph Quinn keep the guitar, almost like they still need it...
-"The Sword of Kas could be used to call down lightning from any clouds overhead" they sure used this imagery a lot
Nothing is 1:1 with the actual dnd character, I don't think he'll be out there like heavy metal Witcher with an actual sword, but I think they'll twist the 'sword' concept into something that fits with the show
The music (from his guitar) has been keeping bits of Eddie still there and able to fight, being able to be reached after an emotional speech from Dustin, who he then fully betrays Vecna to save.
I think Dustin will have long hair, wearing Eddies Dio vest, basically trying to become him as if that will keep him alive. Breaking his 'never change' promise, and that being an issue throughout the season (still not something I'd describe as "huge repercussions") which will be resolved with another emotional moment between them. Dustin stops being himself in an attempt to 'resurrect' Eddie, and its a resurrected Eddie that 'resurrects' Dustin
And, one final cherry: an interviewer said they wished "Eddie was still alive"
Joseph:
Oh hes definitely he alive
Extra thanks to @cherry-clown for discovering the missing poster scene parallels, and the theory that they quarantined off town with El still inside. And @sharp-and-swift for showing me the spider tattoo
#eddie lives#eddie munson#stranger things spoilers#stranger things#vecna#kas the bloody handed#joseph quinn#theory#stranger things theory
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ALK !!! KAPFM CHP 9 BLEW MY MIND. SHSHSHSHHS SORRY THIS WILL BE LONG BC !!! UUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!
When okkotsu said “Even if you cannot be separate, you have to imagine it so.” , “In this manner, you can easily remember…That you are still two.”
I felt like that sentence felt familiar before i realized that you titled chp 4 by “i want my life in two” AND somehow the cycle of that two different lives are oddly similar ?? Like how mirai found someone that she likes (chi & okkotsu) ; that someone was taken away (the kamo clan & the villagers) ; she went on a rampage (trashing around the small shed & the village massacre)
chp 4 ends with = (A finger stuck itself into the series of tapes, starting to wind it back.) and as the summary for chp 7 goes : The stories that unfolded each time, however, as of late, did tend to be quite a bit different. Perhaps because of one character that did not quite belong with the rest. (1) Gojou Satoru.
YOU YOU YOU MIND BLOWER AHHHHHHH. I love love how you do this thing with naming the chapters that follows the theme of the story u wrote, it may seem like a minor detail but i rlly rlly love it omfg like
atcit : the mc’s rule of threes
memos : hoku as a protagonist has a goal to paint the best story and if u combine the title of the current chapters together and it can already form a prologue of a story which coincides that hoku just joined the strawhats and is painting for the strawhats’ journey
kapfm : mirai is essentially stuck in a loop/ limbo of a monotonous life (even tho it involves more than plenty of adrenaline for sorcerers & non sorcerers) and theyre not even bothered to think much of it unless its rly rly important for the future/ whatever that is in scope in their curse technique and someone new in their latest lifetime who seems like he wont ever fit in her standard script of life. and not only that but, some chapters may seemed like it mirrored the other but its not !!! like one of those games of finding the abnomalies in 2 similar pictures and its bc of that one ridiculous op guy 😭
hmmmmmm how should i put it, ik that its 2 entirely different series and themes but mirai and hoku is actually a good foil for each other SHJSJSJS dunno if anyone else noticed and may sent sth about them both in an ask
Like, mirai’s ability to see the future and is convinced that it is set and even if it changed it wont necessarily be a good thing for everyone involved; and it wont be an exeption to the strongest sorceror in the new era vs hoku’s plan to draw the best story in a world and the boy who she is convinced could overcome his predecessor (i.e gold roger) but that conviction itself it sth that has been set from the very beginning bc luffy is the protagonist and she thought of herself as a bystander and wont make sth as small as ripple
i probably didnt explain any of my thought even tho i just wrote a paragraph HSHSHSJSH IM SORRY BUT TLDR-ing MY THOUGHTS ABT THEM THIS WAY = once u open a book, the stage and ending has been set for the characters, theyre essentially “doomed” to that ending; no matter how much you flip the coin it will always land on tails/ heads and it will always be one of them and never be other but for the one who flip the coin, they may ruled out themselves out of the possibility that they’re (one of) the anomaly and could change sth around them
I just, love all ur stories & ur ocs, and i love u too🥹
anon, i just want you to know that you've absolutely made my night, like you have literally no idea
work and everything else have all melted away after reading this and the spews of thoughts/theories/connections, it always makes me so, SO HAPPY when you guys do stuff like this because i put those lil things for my own love and its just ;-; really, really rewarding to know you all enjoy them too
THANK YOU FOR NOTICING ALL THE LITTLE CONNECTING THREADS, i also love naming chapters with a little extra thought and trying to follow the chosen lyrics for that moment in KAPFM's case
sometimes they hint stuff ;)
GOJOU BEING THE ABNORMALITY IN TWO PICS IM CRYING, yes, because he is exactly that and if only mirai could see the headache he will become :')
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND PLEASE LOOK FORWARD TO MORE
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Scythe chapter 16-20!!
Ayy we’re backk!! Let’s just get started shall we?
Chapter 16!!
-oh god the elegy—
-“Could you imagine me as a teenager?” OH YES I CAN OHOHO
-This also shows how much power scythes and especially Goddard has
-And also shows how bad of a scythe Goddard is as well
-Scythe Curie makes a good point that also relates to the toll, in which it doesn’t matter if they kill Goddard or anyone like him because another with the same ideology will always come along without fail
-this chapter didn’t have much but it IS good so ykyk
Chapter 17!!
-OHHH ITS THE MOMENT THAT EVERYONE LOSES THEIR MINDS OVER!! SCYTHE FARADAY IS D-D-DEAD or is he? :) :)
-Rowan instinctively trying to protect Citra!!!
-it makes sense for most disabilities to be nonexistent but that doesn’t mean I have to like it :/ like idk why the way it’s done is just :// especially as a disabled person myself
-The way the describe Faraday’d death is already suspicious if you already know he isn’t dead but when you’re first reading it, it does make sense!
-OH AND THE SEPARATE TRAININGS BEGINS!!!
-“If I ever take on an apprentice it will be for a different reason entirely.” OHOHO I KNOW I KNOWWWW
-Again not much to say BUT still rlly good!!
Chapter 18!!!
-Part 3 begins!!
-SCYTHE CURIE!!
-Again I always forget the names of these places, falling water is a very pretty name!!
-Citra being angry about Faraday’s death OUGH, she’s rlly going through 5 stages of grieve style
-Could you imagine ppl in the future calling our decor and shit old fashioned? Bizarre
-I love how they make Curie instantly charming and likable with only a few scenes, good writing man!!
-What hobbies would other scythes have? I wonder…
-Fun fact, i cannot drive, tried to learn and crashed the car, oh how I wish driving wasn’t necessary like in scythe
-Giving us little notes about the comfort scythes can give
-We hear a lot about being stagnant in the Scythe universe, and like, yeah, if you were in this utopia wouldn’t you grow stagnant even quicker than most? You have nothing to do literally
-You can really feel how observant Curie is, she noticed the small details
-Jesus even Curie’s yelling scared ME and I already knew what was gonna happen! She’s rlly intimidating—
-Gotta uphold your image!!
-“Another Scythe might have exacted a punishment far worse.” *COUGH COUGH GODDARD*
-Again shit names!! Barton Breen??? What??
-20 kids,, Jesus,,
-You can Curie’s own version of compassion, it’s different from Faradays yet still wonderful
-She did find her own way of gleaning!!
-Again FUCK Goddard!!
-I do wonder what would happen if Citra was trained by Goddard instead of Rowan…
-“Immortality has turned us all into cartoons.” GOD THAT LINEE
-Amazing chapter!! Told a LOT abt Curie!!!
CHAPTER 19!!!!
-Oo!! I thought this moment happened in Thunderhead but I misremembered!!
-Tho I THINK something similar happens??? Idk maybe my memory is fuckin with me ushejdj
-ALSO DAMN CITRA!! Pushin girls in front of TRUCKS holy fuck!!!
-Hate the eating descriptions!!
-TELL THE MOTHER YOU TWO!!! LIKE CMON??
-Cindy lmaoo, whenever someone whitewashes Citra im gonna call it Cindy instead <3 spite
-“err on the side of respect.” LMAO love that line
-RONDA ROADKILL IM DYINGGGGGG and so did she! (Temporarily but yk)
-“Can i throw you under a truck some other time?” She’s a busy person! I’d totally throw Citra under a truck! Would be fun!
-Morals change when theres little consequences, Citra would never even CONSIDER pushing Ronda in the mortal age, but since people can just come back it doesn’t seem like such a bad thing, it also shows how the concept of empathy and morality has changed in this society
-“the cloud” like icloud! Guess apple won in this world!
-“The machine had a purer soul than any human” NO IT DOESNT IVE SEEN AI ART YOU CANT FOOL ME!!!
-FUCK YOU SCYTHE GODDARD!!!
-OO TIME FOR CITRA TO INVESTIGATE!! I remember LOVING this plot so!!!!
Chapter 20!!
-Rowan finally!!! I missed you!!!!!
-He doesn’t wanna kill Citra!!! The beginning of his devotion to her UGHHH
-god hes only 17, I think we forgot how young these characters are, they really are just kids being pushed into this horrible situation god,,,
-“His was a life without substance, and now it would end.” God and here we see Rowan’s iconic self deprecating “emo” moments, people make fun of these scenes a lot but I fucking love em, it really contrasts Rowan and Citra. Citra has people who love and care about her, Rowan doesn’t, he knows that (in this moment) if he died no one would really care or remember him, so when he finds Citra, someone who does care about him and would care if he died, he clings to it. I mean when you’re that neglected and want SOMEONE to care even a little about you, wouldn’t you do the same thing?
-He already wants to change things!! And he will!! He will change a lot, though not as much as his girlfriend!!
-VOLTA!!
-“So is there a reason why you choose your robes to be the color of piss?” HA one of my favorite lines!!
-“the Change” god their ideology—, the fact they’re all thinking that they’re changing things for the better really shows how convincing of a man Goddard is, GOD i hate him!!!
-Ans here we have Goddard’s MANY parties
-my sensory issues would hate this
-I accidentally spelled Goddard’s name as Goodard which…Isn’t that so Ironic?
-“Bimbotech” Neal I’m BEGGING you to stop
-“Rowan wondered if the man had a diamond-studded bathing suit in his waredrobe as well.” He would because he’s a vain prick!!
-HES UNDERAGE STOP GIVING HIM ALCOHOL!! *Looking at you RAND especially ya creep—*
-“He was lucky if they even remembered to get him a gift” rowans parents man,,, He was really fucking neglected man it’s so awful, and the fact he still cares about them despite that GODDD
-See how goddard bend the rules? See how he twists them to make them fit what HE wants? Yeah, he’s gonna do that a lot; again, fuck you Goddard
-ESME!!! Shes backk!! And he’s right! She’ll be important!!
-GOD this is a good chapter, rowan my beloved!!
And that’s it!!! Next time will be chapters 21-25!! We’re going so fast aren’t we?
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here's some autism traits of mine that aren't symptoms, but they're things that are autism and im choosing to unmask n share this with you all.
biting. just i want bite fingers. i crave to put them in my mouth. i want to bite in general. i know its not socially acceptable to bite people, but i want to. i am a creacher and i cannote change that.
when i was like 14 i was really obsessed with random xd humor. I would say "ekop" instead of "poke", because its poke backwards. And I had this one friend I'd constantly do this with. like "rawr" and "cupcakez!1!1!". We were truly scene.
Speaking incredibly eloquently, as one alter put it, "Human language does not account for all the nuances that I wish to share, so I am using the language to its full extent, detailing every complicated sentence that I can muster. I wish to share my full thoughts and experiences, but it unfortunately does not do what I want to convey in justice. So I must settle for the english language for now." Some of our alters can't really speak because of that, and its difficult for them to communicate outside of visuals and vague feelings. It's really either hyperverbal or no verbality for us.
every fucking alter being some brand of autism. Tsuki is ace and hates to put a label on things, the only concrete feeling she has is anger. Rai can barely speak/communicate, they are very observant and quiet, and they feel the most disconnected from others being the host. Kaori is literally the most autistic creature you could ever come across, they are just literally what you think of, they love all the "cringe" culture type stuff and adore being nonbinary. etc etc. Like, how did I not realize when all of us are some brand of autism?
Feeling like an outsider my entire fucking life. Even when I related to others, I always felt separate from the rest of society, and I must sacrifice everything in order to be loved. This has been connected to spiritual beliefs of mine.
Another thing connected to spiritual beliefs of mine, feeling like I truly cannot see the world, as if I have a film over my eyes. The reason for my self entrapment is a "curse" that a "film" over my eyes exists and I never fully can break free from. I realize that the "film" is masking and my truly unique way of seeing the world is my autism, and I've had to move through the world not letting myself "see" truly.
alice in wonderland, coraline, fran bow, all characters I relate to are young and unique girls that move through a world that is crazy and full of madness. Something I find myself deeply relating to.
feeling misunderstood all the fucking time. even if i try to explain my feelings or thoughts, I'm constantly put on a high standard that I have not been able to achieve. I don't know how to change people's minds as I speak with genuine intent besides rather obvious displays of frustration, anger or sarcasm. I was also the person who thought others were always genuine, and rarely questioned one's intention behind what they said. This trait of mine has led me to become gaslit by a few harmful people in my life.
my disorders all linked together, makes for a bad time. this isnt an autism specific trait. i just. if i feel like an outsider (asd), and have trauma with being treated like an outsider (did), and get really upset with other people saying nasty things about me in regards to not being normal (adhd + rsd), im going to have a hard time and constantly blame myself for being an outsider (ocd) and im gonna hate myself (depression). so its just like. hey i found a piece to the puzzle, but i already know most of it. and thats just the egodystonic experience for me.
but hey, lets talk about more lighthearted stuff!! i love kandi!!!!! it jingle jingle and it has super pretty colours!! im afraid to stim but this is the shit for me. this is amazing.
i'd love to use word quirks and kaomojis a lot more!!! but unfortunately thats not the blog for this bc its not plaintext. but in my heart, thats what i want to do and who i want to be.
oh i remember the last one!! I read this somewhere, but apparently since a lot of autistic people struggle to communicate their needs, they'll do things that meet their needs somewhat, even if they don't know why they do it. For example, wearing hoodies and heavy clothes because they're touch starved and want to be hugged! And I really related to that!! I wear hoodies and lots of layers all the time, or like just wearing my day clothes, even if they're uncomfortable. So, I do that, not just because I'm cold, but I need the weight compressing me, and i've always been doing that since I was young. So I felt.
Not really being able to read big books until middle school. I know there's people who havent really talked until they were older, I remember not being able to comprehend big swaths of text until I was a teenager. maybe thats the audhd, but i feel like thats always been my sort of "i think this was my developmental milestones that i hit late". And yes, I was able to read quite a lot for my age, but it always felt like something that I hit late.
share your autism traits that aren't necessarily symptoms, or you can talk about the ones you relate to and I wrote. Sorry if this post is hard to read, I just wanted to talk about it. :0 so ya
#babey posts#autism#actually autistic#i also realize ive been having meltdowns and shutdowns since i was young#but i didnt know thats what i was experiencing#i would just get really tired or hungry and just would fucking sob and scream#i thought that was just sort of normal and everyone felt that way#that i was just really bad at hiding it#ive been experiencing it into adulthood too.....#id shutdown after friend stuff bc i felt too drained to interact anymore
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