thinking all of a sudden about how signalis has a hidden game mechanic (spoilers below)
where if you die & hit continue, a piece of yourself gets replaced. you can see it on your diagnostics screen, but otherwise it's not mentioned anywhere. every time this happens, your damage resistance increases. this can happen up to 16 times, when youve finally replaced every piece of yourself. but dying that many times also effectively locks you into the PROMISE ending.
the more you numb yourself to pain, the better equipped you are to erinnere dich an unser Versprechen.
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seasons + stars
supercorptober 2023
“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star."
― Haruki Murakami
or Kara deals with the impermanence of herself and the permanence of her love
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Kara comes to Earth in the Spring.
On the backs of stars she will never see again she carries their dust with her, lays it down in soil tasked with bearing witness to ghosts that are not its own.
The stars that are a part of her become a part of it.
She spends days in the forest, the bright blue sky above her, Sol at her back, Rao in her chest, through the vibrant green trees, across flowers that bloom in hues of yellows and oranges.
She lays out at night on the roof, tries to trace the inky black as far into the distance as she can. Far enough she might still see a light that hasn't been replaced by darkness yet.
The stars will soon become a part of her — she will eventually become a part of them too.
Summer comes with long days and short nights and she misses the stars.
Autumn rushes in with skies that almost feel familiar.
Winter nights are long and cold. She stays out late with the stars again. Speaks to the scattered bits of light — the scattered bits of herself.
Year after year, she is dismantled and reassembled by the seasons that come and go. Until all the bits of stardust she had carried with her from Krypton are all gone. Until she is made of new stars and new dust and new atoms. And what is gone? What is gone is put back into the space to begin again somewhere else.
But then what of her?
Is Kara Zor El somewhere in space?
Is she buried in the soil on Earth?
Is she shoved inside the chest of this other her?
Will she always be two versions different of herself at once?
Kara leaves Earth in the Spring.
Sol at her back, and nothing but darkness ahead.
She doesn't choose to leave, but she is gone all the same.
She meets ghosts she thought were all gone. Buried somewhere between Krypton and Earth — lost with the parts of herself that she too had been buried.
Her own ghost is there.
Haunts her with the parts of herself she wants to hold onto but can't.
Taunts her with the parts of herself she begs to replace but can't.
Kara comes back to Earth in the Summer.
"August of another summer, and once again
I am drinking the sun"
She isn't sure what she is made of now.
Isn't sure how long it will take to shed it from her skin.
Isn't sure who she will be when it's gone.
She is just tired, she thinks, of this struggle of atoms, of time, of feeling broken apart.
But she looks up at the sky that night. Find stars again instead of darkness.
Thinks of how they are each a part of Earth, or Krypton, of her.
She is tired, she thinks, but she is also thankful.
It's Autumn when the world almost ends.
The world almost ends, and she realizes she wants more time — needs more time.
It's Autumn when it starts again.
Not in the way one thinks of worlds beginning — in the way of galaxies and of universes — big bangs expanding all at once.
But in the way we do. Slowly. Little by Little.
It begins again with green eyes and dark hair.
It settles into gentle touches and quiet words.
Kara stands at the edge of a field, her feet sinking slightly into the damp forest floor. Leaves scatter across the ground with with freshly fallen pine needles. It smells like cold, like the winter that is coming.
Lena's hand slips into hers, fingers threading together with practiced ease.
Slow.
Gentle.
She feels a droplet of water cling to her skin, just cold enough that she can feel it, can tell it a part from the warmth of Lena's hand in hers.
"I can't believe it's so dark already?"
Kara follows her gaze up to the first stars just peeking through the gaps in the trees.
Meeting Lena first came at the end of a Summer.
Meeting Lena came, and the world softened just a little — just enough.
Slowly.
Little by little.
In all the months between, all the years, all the seasons. They have both been taken apart and put back together, over and over and over.
Sometimes by the universe.
Sometimes by each other.
But amidst the endless dance of stars and the perpetual renewal of atoms, the part of them that loved the other, had always been left whole, over and over and over.
And there are still days where she is not sure who she is — who she is supposed to be with this patchwork collection of particles stuffed into herself.
But then Lena will take her hand and thread their fingers together just like this, and it will feel like each one of them has found it's place and a purpose all over again.
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read and follow along on Ao3 too
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