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furidojasutin · 4 years

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Title: Demon’s Cove

Pairing: Fraxus (Freed x Laxus)

Universe: Modern AU

Rating: K+

a/n: Fraxus Week, Day 1 - He likes guys. I guess I simply like the idea of Club/Coffee Shop/etc. AUs. I also enjoy either Laxus or Freed having a brotp with Mira and Cana. And I also like having more content of Laxus POV about Freed around, so that’s what I do. I hope you guys enjoy it!!

He always needed a few moments to adjust when he entered the building. From the outside it was a weird but appealing mixture of classy and shady. Or perhaps it was just his own odd taste that classified the look of the building as 'appealing'. Then again, attendances and the overall success of this place entirely spoke for themselves.

The 'Demon's Cove' was a damn popular destination for various night-life activities.

Right after setting foot in the main hall there was an influx of effects. He was right there by the dance floor, neon lights of different colors tinting the area and moving along of the beat of the music. It was loud and drumming on his ears and he knew it would only be a matter of time until his hearing would be duller. The music that the DJ was playing right now wasn't his favorite genre, but it wasn't horrible either. And really, he didn't come here for the music or dancing in the first place.

If he thought about it, it was odd enough that a place with so many people and such a boisterous energy had become one of his favorite places to distract himself at and, occasionally, even relax. Huh.

Laxus didn't linger in the main dancing area for long and instead began to slither through the crowd of people. It wasn't exactly an easy task for a man of broad stature and with people crowded even on the sidelines, but he was kind of used to it by now and could manage. It still wasn't comfortable and he didn't like doing it, but he could handle it better by now. The accidental random touches, dancing bodies, loud and chaotic people.

Yea... it was really odd that he would choose such a place for his free time, voluntarily.

Sweat and alcohol wafted off the people near him and he crinkled his nose at the invasive scent. He would get used to it while being and staying here, and he also fully planned on having the one or other drink for himself.

Once he reached the bar, he immediately spotted the familiar faces that he had come here for. Working here meant busy shifts, a high stress level and exhausting people. And damaged ears, probably, honestly. It meant little free time. That's why he would often come here on Friday or Saturday evening; to visit some of his friends and catch up on some stuff that happened, have the one or other conversation or just listen while he had his drinks. He was really more of a listener than a talker, really.

“Hey, man!” A tall girl with wavy brown hair strutted towards him, a wide grin on her face.

“Cana, what's up,” he greeted back casually, lips barely giving away the hint of a grin in return. Cana Alberona. She had been one of his longest friends and they still had a good bond with one another. They had also been through some shitty stuff together... Her alcohol problem had been one thing. She had made quite some progress and usually, logically one might argue that she absolutely shouldn't be working at a place like this if she wanted to see progress with her addiction. Oddly enough though, working here gave her less time to drink and helped her get a more healthy connection to alcohol. Huh.

Thinking about this kinda stuff gave Laxus the feeling that this night club was some special place for real.

“Been pretty busy.” She handed two shot glasses over to two guys who were laughing loudly before she walked away from behind the bar and towards him instead. They shared a fist-bump and then she brushed some stray strands of thick hair out of her face. Pearls of sweat were on her forehead. “You missed Bixlow, he stopped by here for an hour or so. Said he had some shit to finish until tomorrow so he couldn't stay long.”

Ah, right. “Yea, told me somethin' like that, too. I think it was something for his theater performance.”

“Sounds about right,” Cana agreed with a small nod.”Will you go see it?”

“The play?” Laxus raised a brow.

“No, his stripping performance,” she retorted and then elbowed him in a friendly manner when Laxus gave a gruff huff. “Of course I mean the play.”

“I guess.” He would. He just felt like, for some stupid reason, he couldn't seem all too excited about it. Display of feelings had never been his strong suite anyway.

“He did invite all of us, huh? Anyway, bet it's gonna be awesome. Should be good entertainment. Bix has a fun taste.”

She definitely had a point. Knowing Bixlow, this wouldn't be some boring, old-fashioned play. Theater wasn't exactly his thing but Laxus truly didn't believe that it was gonna be all too horrible to experience.

Cana's eyes darted around the hall, then back to the bar and then to Laxus again. Apparently there was more to take care of. “Say hi to Mira, I bet she's happy to see and talk to you. She's on the other side of the bar.”

With a bump to his shoulder she left his side to pursue her work.

He didn't really know the other three bartenders he spotted on this side of the bar and they seemed distracted anyway. He kept walking around the large, round bar until he spotted the familiar head of white hair.

Much like Cana predicted, Mira's face lit up the second she spotted him. “Laxus,” she practically beamed and waved him over to her after handing two freshly mixed cocktails to a girl and a guy. “I didn't expect you here tonight.”

She was clearly happy to see him, though, and sometimes Laxus wondered how he had even managed to make solid acquaintances or even friends, and such great ones, too. “Yea, had some stuff to take care of,” he explained curtly once he stood in front of her with the bar counter between the two of them. He didn't have to shout here at least, and the neon lights didn't reach this area as strongly. All in all the bar was definitely the more complacent area.

“I see,” she replied and the smile didn't leave her face. “So, what can I get you to drink?”

“I take the usual.”

“The usual it is. And it's good to see you,” Mira added swiftly and then proceeded to prepare his drink.

Mirajane Strauss. She was a romantic and a dreamer... and an aspiring singer. Her voice really was something. But the rational part of her had made sure that she had a secure income, so she finished an education first and had now been working at the Demon's Cove for a year.

Somewhere in the crowd he saw Cana slithering through the people with a tray in her hand and it was so much more skillful than what he would ever be able to do in that regard. Hibiki as well as Eve and Ren and Jenny seemed to be off duty today. And...

“Loke not here today or is he turning innocent people's heads again?”

Loke was probably the biggest flirt he knew and for a long time he just hadn't been able to become comfortable with the ginger. Laxus had learned that he was actually a genuinely good guy, but they would never become best friends, he didn't think.

Mira seemingly hadn't heard him and when he turned his head back towards her she was talking to another customer. His drink was almost ready, though.

Then the next moment happened and if Laxus was to give that very moment a title, then it would get the title 'doom'. How very fitting, wasn't it? He was in the Demon's Cove, after all.

A new guy walked into the picture and his presence immediately caught Laxus' attention. Not very subtly, too. For this entire moment, he found himself unable to rip his orange gaze off this other man. His brain turned off, all noise disappeared into the background. He had never been a fan of clichés and sappy shit... and he had never thought that he of all people would become victim of such a cliché moment. Him. Laxus Dreyar. Staring like some teenage boy.

The moment was over and Laxus blinked once before his expression instantly turned into a frown. Thick but defined eyebrows drew together and he looked over towards Mirajane who was thankfully handing him the drink now. He noticed that he wanted to catch another glimpse of the other bartender again.

He thought he was in full control of himself again and absolutely didn't notice Mira's sneaky, knowing smile.

“So...,” Laxus began, making his best effort to sound as disinterested and casual as possible. “Who's your new Incubus, huh?”

Mira chuckled at that and he really didn't understand what was so funny now. Deciding that she had a moment, she rested her elbows on the counter and leaned in a bit so Laxus could hear her better. “Oh? Do you mean him?”

She nodded towards the man and he just knew that she wanted him to look at him again. Thus, he just grumbled and made a vague, annoyed gesture with his hand. “Yea, Yea. Him.”

“That's Freed.” At least she was really answering now, without more teasing. “Loke will be busy with some traveling for two weeks, so Freed will help us out during that time. He has worked at a bar before and,” She paused. For a split-second there was a spark in her blue eyes. “He's quite popular among our customers.”

“Uh-huh.”

Laxus wasn't sure what else to answer. He wasn't dumb and not oblivious (most of the time) but he had now noticed the little change in Mirajane's behavior and he knew exactly what she was doing.

The thing is, she was right to do so. Because apparently he was already feeling some kind of interest towards that guy, Freed, without even knowing him.

And when he dared to look over a second time, just a quick once-over, he noticed the group of three women practically hanging on his every word. He couldn't hear what they were talking about and he couldn't be sure if that absolutely charming, smirky-like smile on the man's face was real or fake, but... Damn.

It made him feel things and he didn't exactly like it.

Before he could think twice he had already downed half of his drink. It was great but his mind was suddenly too occupied to really enjoy its taste.

“Do you want me to introduce you to him?” Mira rested her chin on her folded hands.

He absolutely didn't like her look and his frown only deepened. He knew he would have to be careful what to say if he didn't want to catapult himself deeper into this situation and Mirajane's possible teasing, so all he did was to glare at her.

Of course it didn't faze her. At all. But he still felt good doing it.

It quickly turned out that 'doom' had been a fitting title for that moment, though, and Laxus was... conflicted. Because suddenly, Freed was near by.

When had he left the bar? When had he walked towards him? Shit, he'd been too occupied with Mira and now she got what she wanted anyway.

Or maybe he wanted this too?

Fuck.

Either way, it didn't look like Freed actually wanted to walk towards him. He was just about to walk past him when Mira beckoned him to stop.

“Freed, wait a second!”

The addressed man turned his head towards Mira's shouting voice and blinked once. Then his gaze landed on Laxus for a brief moment and he demonstratively looked away and grabbed his drink.

Wow, very mature.

“That's Laxus, a good friend of mine,” Mira started to introduce and smiled. Laxus wanted to curse her right then.

Freed's attention was back on him again and he stubbornly took another sip of his drink. It didn't seem to unnerve the bartender.

“Laxus? Well then, it's nice to meet you. Mirajane has told me a lot about you.” His voice was deep and smooth. It was nice to listen to and Laxus almost hadn't heard the second part. Almost.

He threw a small glare at his friend. Told him about him? Did she now?

But much as expected, Mira only smiled.

And Freed was still waiting for a response.

“Uh, yea. Nice to meet you, too.”

He was half tempted to ask what Mira had told him but then decided that he probably didn't really want to know.

Freed was just acknowledging that with a nod and a smile and apparently he was ready to pursue his work again when suddenly somebody bumped into Laxus from behind. The impact was so hard that he stumbled forward against Freed and... spilled the rest of his drink on his white dress shirt.

“What the hell?!” Mira's eyes had gone wide and Freed jumped back in surprise. There was a lot going on in that scene. Somebody was frantically apologizing and then disappearing into the crowd, Freed was cursing under his breath for a moment and Laxus was cursing as well. With his voice. In his mind. He wanted to curse everything. “Fuck!” He shouted and then looked over at the bartender.

After Freed had released his own quick series of cuss words, he was seeming very calm and actually not bothered so much. Perhaps this kind of thing happened often. It didn't make Laxus feel better for spilling his own fucking drink on the man that worked here, was an acquaintance of Mira and the man he was apparently interested in.

He hadn't dared to look before, but now he kind of had an excuse. The white-dress shirt was hugging Freed's body very nicely. The sleeves were rolled up exposing his forearms, he could see arm muscles play under the fabric and overall he looked like a fit and healthy guy. Two buttons were loose. His long, striking hair was tied up into a ponytail and it suited him perfectly. Bangs covered one of his eyes, the other had an intense, light-blue color. There was a mole under it, as well. He was attractive.

That man was hot.

And Laxus probably owed him an apology now. Or did he? Before he even got the chance to say something, Freed was already waving him off.

“It's fine, don't worry. It's not the first time that this happened, after all.” He gave a soft huff as he tugged at his drained shirt but when he looked up there was an assertive, reassuring look in his eye that made Laxus believe that it was fine.

Mira mumbled agreement and Laxus handed over the now empty glass. What a waste.

“I'll go to the bathroom to wash some of it out and then I'll be back as fast as possible,” Freed announced and Mirajane didn't hesitate to give her agreement. He gave both Laxus and Mirajane a nod before already turning around and making his way through the laughing, discussing, drinking, dancing people.

Well, if that wasn't absolutely shitty.

Doom.

Perhaps he should just go home again.

To Laxus' surprise there was a small frown on Mira's face now and he felt a comforting touch of her small hand against his shoulder. “It's like he said, this happens all the time and it wasn't your fault.”

With a snort, he was quick to retort and avoid her gaze, “Don't be ridiculous, I don't care.”

Mira removed her hand and was suddenly out of his sight. He couldn't hear her rustle over all the other, much louder sounds so he was more than a little surprised when she popped back up in front of the counter and had a navy blue dress shirt in her hand. She practically forced the clothing into his hand and gave him a firm squeeze. “I have to keep working. Bring this over to the staff bathroom so he can change.”

He looked at the fabric in his hand, then back up. He really wasn't sure about this. Narrowing his eyes, he studied her face. “You want me to give the shirt to Freed?”

“Yes. It will be more comfortable for him to wear a clean shirt rather than the ruined one, don't you think?”

Clearly, he couldn't argue with that logic. Was it coincidence that they had a spare shirt behind the bar? Did they have multiple ones and Freed just didn't know about it?

One way or another, Laxus knew that he wasn't going to decline. With a remaining spark of undefined resentment he shifted and was about to make his way to the staff bathroom where Freed would be. Fortunately, he had been there once before so he knew exactly where to go. And his known presence wouldn't raise any questions as to why he was entering it. Having friends here did have its perks.

Before he was out of earshot, however, Mira threw a couple of final words at him.

“Oh, and he likes guys, by the way.”

Laxus stopped in his movement abruptly. He hadn't wanted to because that meant Mira would know that he had heard him. Clearly. He refused to turn around, refused to look at her.

But these words undeniably did something to him.

He likes guys...

So entertaining the group of women with his charming smirk had only been part of his job, too, right?

And Mira had introduced him to one another.

He had spilled his drink on the man's shirt and he was now going to supply him with a dry shirt to change into.

His thoughts were a mess but he was moving again. Hopefully, none of those thoughts would show on his face when he entered.

Admittedly, not much of that hope was left when he joined Freed in the bathroom, explained why he was here and handed the new shirt to him.

Because not only did Freed seem much more content with that solution and thanked him for the piece of clothing, but he also started unbuttoning the wet shirt immediately and slipped out of it, revealing his bare torso, and Laxus discovered that he had been correct about the earlier impression that this man seemed quite fit.

He was doomed.

#fraxus #fraxusweek #fairy tail #freed justine #laxus dreyar #freed x laxus #Sel writes #Long live the Queue #my stuff #have some GAY PANIC #mirajane strauss #cana alberona

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imagine-loki · 4 years

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Stubborn Independence

TITLE: Stubborn Independence

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 2/10

AUTHOR: brightsun-and-darkmidnight

ORIGINAL IMAGINE:

Imagine Loki struggling to adjust to someone who is independent and insists on paying for themselves all the time, even if it is a struggle sometimes. They need to do everything on their own. They never ask for help and refuse help. Just imagine Loki really wanting to spoil this person. Imagine how creative he would get to make life easier on this person who has captivated him.

Imagine being a talented singer at your local club. Loki comes in one night with Thor and the others (he’d rather be anywhere else but who turns down free drinks?) and gets ensnared in the voice of the beautiful singer on stage. Suddenly, his interest (and arousal) are more than piqued.

Imagine getting into a petty fight with Loki, so in retaliation, he puts everything on the top shelf where you can’t reach?

AUTHOR’S NOTES: College AU. Loki is determined to take over Odin’s company. He works hard and has a strict schedule for success. However, with the interference of Thor and the other four, Loki’s plans are often interrupted so they can play matchmaker.

My Ao3: brightsun_and_darkmidnight

~ ~ ENJOY ~ ~

A loud booming call for Loki made his stomach upset. The rapping of knocks and another call for Loki to join him made Loki growl.

“Brother! Come out and socialize!”

There were other voices in the common area as the main door shut loudly.

“We are all in our sleepwear so come out!” Thor was silent for a moment and Loki could hear voices of all his brother’s friends talking and laughing. Thor yelled through the door again, “I will get you out of there.”

Loki set his book down with care accompanied by a sigh. Loki checked his appearance and made adjustments. When he opened the door Thor’s cheerful face received a glare. Thor gripped Loki’s shoulder and pulled him towards the living room. More people were there than Loki had heard and noticed all the new faces.

A short but plump body caught his eye. Then the brown hair that was still able to catch some of the fading sun set that shone through the windows. Of course, the one person who he bumped into caught his attention. As if she felt his gaze, her eyes turned to him with a glance then back to Sif. The woman did a double take and stared at him with her mouth parted.

“No way.”

Loki saw the words form on her lips and he swore he could hear them.

Thor whispered, “do you know her?”

Loki turned to face Thor in an attempt to escape, “We bumped into each other earlier.”

Thor laughed lightly to himself, “you are the one to break her phone.” Thor spoke as he rolled forward on his feet, “Trust me. Drop the entire situation. She doesn’t take anyone’s help.”

The flicker of Thor’s eyes made Loki’s heart drop. Loki hissed, “I know that look. Stop it.”

Thor waved Fandral over and he quickly went to them once Thor winked and waved to Loki’s entire body.

Fandral asked with a grin, “Which one tickled his fancy?”

Thor purposely clapped Loki’s shoulder, talked slightly above a whisper as he stood beside him. “Sirena.”

Loki understood the purpose in the movement because Fandral’s eyes were able to follow Thor and easily go to Sirena’s form behind them. Fandral’s face lightened with a huge smile. “The bigger figures are nice to hold. I must say they are very soft.”

“What?- no. It’s not like that. I bumped into her and I offered to replace her phone.”

Fandral’s eyes flickered a bit to the other side of Loki with a huge smile, “oh dear boy.” His head rose and hand patted Loki’s arm, “move on.”

Loki hissed lowly, “It is not like that!”

Thor nudged Loki, “It could be.”

Loki glared at Thor, who’s head tilted towards Sirena that was passing by.

Fandral gently lead Sirena towards Loki.

Sirena’s eyes met Loki and time stilled. All the organs in his body stilled for a horrifying moment and his body worked hard to make his mind function. It was rushing with heat that made his hands sweat. Loki played with his hands by pure habit of nerves. A learned behavior to attempt to rid the sweat off his hands.

“Sirena! This is my little brother, Loki! I hear you BUMPED into each other.”

Fandral smiled brightly, “Loki is a great guy. Very intelligent. He actually got the one scholarship…” Fandral waved to Loki to pull information.

Loki could not believe this was happening. This was not going to go well at all. “The honors scholarship.” Loki cursed the involuntary nervous swallow after.

Sirena’s face turned towards Fandral’s who switched from an unbelievable expression to the charming one with a bright smile to Sirena again. “Yes the Honors scholarship. He has two majors, business and something with computers.”

Loki corrected Fandral, “Business Management and Computer Science.”

Sirena’s eyes went to Loki’s and a smile threatened to fully form on those lips.

Thor clapped Loki’s back with a huge smile, “always learning a billion things a day.”

Sirena smiled with direct eye contact, “soon you will know all of the world’s secrets then?”

With a glance at the apparent wingmen, Loki tentatively smiled, “there are still over 6,000 languages I need to learn. But sure.”

Those beautiful eyes widened and a huge smile overtook her face, “Perhaps you could teach me a few. I would love to learn a few songs in a different languages.”

With an attempt to keep the conversation moving, “Casual listener or musician?”

“Musician. -well. Kinda.?” The one side of her face crinkled dramatically in a thoughtful expression. “I am in the Musical Therapist major.” Her eyes stayed focused elsewhere.

Loki’s butterflies fluttered in his chest, “Than a musician. I would think you play for others?”

Her smile hesitantly returned with her eyes back on Loki, “it is mostly just little bars and hopefully soon practice in group therapy sessions. Everyone participates to a certain degree in the sessions.”

Thor spoke up and gestured to Sirena, “Mother said there were going to be music therapy groups this semester at the medical building.”

Loki watched as Sirena’s head tilted to the side slightly. “Who is your mother again?”

Thor smiled, “Frigga Odinson.”

“Ooohh. The chairperson for the medical majors. She is the nicest person I have ever met in my life. Also most patient and best at time management- she is my academic advisor too.”

Fandral teased with a small nudge, “don’t you have like, a billion jobs?”

Sirena returned the nudge a little harsher, “some people learn a billion things in different ways.” Her hair got a little out of place but she moved it with no care.

Fandral winked, “Well then are you still able to model?”

Sirena groaned, “you didn’t.”

Fandral smiled brightly.

Sirena pushed him away, “You ass! I’m going to quit.”

Fandral teased, “That art class would be dull and boring without you as a subject.”

Loki froze again.

There was no way he was going to be able to draw her. A quick glance down her body made the nerves leak out his hands. She had full breasts that gave ample cleavage from beneath the the long sleeved v-neck. Her waist distinguished with a slight inward curve and a small protruding belly. Her hips were wide and thighs that definitely looked soft… Loki’s eyes took interest in the drinks on the counter.

Fandral’s voice pulled Loki from his mind. “You agree Loki?”

Loki looked into the little circle of conversation, “what?”

Fandral smiled, “did you really think an art class would not have real models?”

Sirena crossed her arms, “Don’t get so excited Fandral. The least you will ever see me in is professional, plain bra and underwear. Besides, sometimes I get draped with some sort of cloth or clothing.”

“Such a pity.” Fandral laughed loudly at the rough shove. “I deserved that.” Fandral kept the step away to let Sif in. “I really think you have the anger of a wasp nest if you are poked wrong.”

In a quick movement Sif stepped back and Sirena whacked Fandral.

Fandral yelped and flinched at the slap on his arm, “women slaps sting so much worse.”

Sirena smiled cheerfully, “just a small wasp sting.”

Fandral stepped further away and Sif stepped in again. There was an announcement that a movie was going to start soon. Sirena, Volstagg, as well as a few others left to make more popcorn in the kitchen.

Thor hugged Loki, “that was great brother!”

Fandral shrugged, “well. It was a little rough, but through some coaching from yours truly. Loki will have a date soon enough.”

Loki jumped in to halt the conversation, “no..”

Fandral continued as if Loki said nothing, “Sirena is somewhat a rare breed of women. She refuses all and any help. Even gifts. We know you are not exactly on a good foot right now with the whole, "I can get you any phone” thing. So Loki my friend she is not what you are used too.“

Loki hissed, "What’s that supposed to mean? That I am not her type?”

The wingmen and Sif exchanged looks.

Sif spoke for everyone, “yes.”

Thor seemed to feel Loki’s hidden hopes deflate, “Loki. You are completely different than who you were when we were younger. Your gifts now are… just items to appease. A woman like Sirena craves sincerity, and sentimental moments to remember.”

Sif spoke up again. “She would rather have a photobook of memories than an item to dust off repeatedly. Here look…” Sif sorted through her phone, “these are of last summer. We went to a few caves. She literally jumped off a cliff.”

Then there were all the pictures of caves. Everyone holding various critters native to caves. Water and land pictures all throughout the day. Loki figured at least 50 pictures had the whole group in the images. Cliff jumping into water below. The huge amusement at people laying on the beach that were in the previous pictures cliff jumping.

Loki felt the life and fun pouring out of those pictures and made him yearn for an exciting experience. Loki’s phone went off and it was time for him to go to bed.

Fandral urged Loki, “Stay up. Common. Loki. School has not started yet. Just drink some caffeine.”

Loki glanced at his phone. He already lost all of his reading time and usually Loki would be yawning but he did not feel even slightly tired. He canceled the alarm but doubled up on a wake up alarm.

The movie was interesting and a moderately nice change. There was scenery Loki did not need to imagine like he had to with a book. Everyone discussed parts of the movie to the degrees of funny commentary or serious discussion.

When the movie was over, some people have already left for bed, but Loki’s body was alert with Sirena around.

She was so overly affectionate. She seemed to find a way to touch everyone. From shoves and highfives to rubbing arms and hugs.

She hugged him goodbye.

Her body was smaller than his in height but curse Fandral for stating the truth that fuller bodies were soft. She seemed to squish onto him in a wonderful way. Her hug made his heart flutter then fly to his throat when she parted slightly to crane her neck to show a smile.

“You give really nice hugs,” she muttered as she hugged him tighter.

Loki fell asleep easily that night.

He woke to a thump of his book falling on the floor, his alarm and a jolt from the dread of knowing he was late. He was exhausted from not being on schedule and cursed the morning for not getting proper rest.

Loki went through his things to do for the day. The plan was to get back to his dorm and sleep without enjoying a little reading time.

#Loki #Lover #Angst #God of Mischief #Others #Submitted fic #submission #stubborn indepence #chapter 2 #brightsun-and-darkmidnight

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heartisntherightplace · 4 years

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Essays: Loving with Borderline Personality Disorder

Hi friends. I wrote an essay on my personal struggles with mental illness. I hope you will give it a read. I know everyone is going through a hard time right now, but just some insight into what it is like struggling with mental illness. Thank you <3

Essays: Loving with Borderline Personality Disorder

Ever since I was a young girl, I didn’t know who I was. Now, you may be thinking, everyone goes through an identity crisis, but my struggle was deeper and has followed me from childhood until adulthood. Countless flimsy identity changes, from wanting to be a singer, to my discovery of spirituality, crystals, incantations, all manifestations of my struggle to find my purpose in life. A perpetual emptiness that leaves me now filling the void I feel with material things. However, as confused as I was, one dream remained true since I was a little girl, the desire to feel an everlasting love, to be wanted. I would listen to love songs, sing along, but never understood the true meaning. My voice would echo back the lyrics, but I could never get my soul to understand the words, as it was something I never experienced before. Some believe, we must love ourselves first to experience true love. This mantra alienated me though, I have always hated myself. Saw my flaws for what they were. In following this saying, I thought I could never experience love then, as my search for self-identity and self-love would be a life long struggle, I would miss out on this opportunity. I came to terms with this, settled for whatever I could get to grasp this feeling of what I thought love was. Countless self-sabotaging scenarios, where I settled for friends with benefits situations just so I could feel wanted by another, allowing my body to be used as an outlet for someone else’s carnal desires just so I could have a taste of what they meant in love songs. Growing up, as all my friends were experiencing their first kisses, first boyfriends, first dates, I sat on the sideline, waiting for my turn, wondering when was it my turn?

Then something changed. At the age of 23 I was fortunate enough to meet someone, to experience my first great love. We met in the most unusual of circumstances. In a friends with benefits situation, I had seen him before. He was the friend of someone I was seeing casually at the time, but I remembered him. As I was aimlessly scrolling through tinder one day, I saw his face and I took a chance, something inside me instantly recognized him. I swiped right and we matched. This began our courtship. I pursued him out of curiosity and a desire to know him. Our relationship was not perfect. From a trip that brought the whole relationship into question, to fights and frustrations about my internal struggles, but what I felt was a true love. The kind I had always dreamt about, a connection that was indescribable. I had never felt so free and inhibited with someone before. Growing up, I had always felt anxiety talking to men, but I didn’t feel this way with him. My soul recognized him, not just because I had met him before that one time, but what I believe was a reconciliation of our souls. That we had met before in a previous life. But, I will get back to this later.

I remember one day in high school, I had gotten into a fight with my best friend and she told me she didn’t know who I was. This hurt because I felt like I was an honest person, but she was right. I rarely shared anything deep about myself. I had often lied about my family life out of shame, always keeping a part of me hidden. I openly listened to other’s peoples struggles, but kept the shadow side of myself hidden. Always ready to be a shoulder to cry on, but never opened about my own struggles. The loneliness I felt growing up with two parents who tirelessly worked to provide me with what I needed. Being an only child, who was over sensitive to everything. Who cried when her mom would leave for work because I didn’t want to be alone. I kept my loneliness inside to create a façade, but this in the end alienated me. As I grew older, I learned to open up more, to share my fears and wants with my friends, I created deeper friendships because of this. But in the end, I often felt misunderstood. I felt that no one truly got it. Everyone would tell me, it’s normal to not know who you are at this age. I believe this to be true, but at the same time my confusion and emptiness was something deeper and more sinister. This confusion lead to various suicide attempts, at the age of 23 I have overdosed on my medication around 5 times, or maybe even more I can’t even remember. But 5 times too many, for someone my age. From self- harm, to stints with anorexia and bulimia, I was trying to find ways to cope with the pain and emptiness I felt that has been following me my entire life. Everyone goes through a period where they don’t know their purpose, but I couldn’t muster up the courage to dream. To dream about what I wanted out of life. All I know is that I wanted to be happy and feel loved, but this wasn’t the way to go about it. Then I was finally diagnosed. I had borderline personality disorder, everything made sense to me about the diagnosis. It fit me.

So back to him. I finally found someone who I could open up to freely. I often censor what I want to tell people about my struggles in order not to scare or trigger them, but I didn’t do this with him. Each time I felt empty and scared, I reached out to him and he was there with an open ear and heart. Never judgemental, he listened and tried to come up with solutions, although I didn’t agree with them all, I was grateful at least someone was listening to me. Despite how in love I was, I was not getting better though. My suicidality followed me and so did my destructive habits that categorize someone struggling with borderline. My impulsivity, my black and white thinking, my jealousy, my neediness, my self harm, they still prevailed, no matter how much I trusted or loved him. Then one day, it all became too much for him and he left. My soulmate, my twin flame, my mirror soul was gone. Who was I now? I invested so much of my time into being in a relationship I still didn’t understand what my purpose was. I achieved my souls deepest desire of feeling love for the first time, but why was I still empty? My confusion and struggles with self-identity ended up driving him away. Who was I now? I’m still trying to figure out.

Being around someone with borderline is hard. We come across as manipulative and liars, but all we really want is to be heard and loved. Our inner child is screaming out, please understand me, please love me but we can go about it from the wrong ways. When he left me, I tried to kill myself. Not to make him stay, but because I was angry and ashamed of myself for driving him away, whether it was purposely or unintentionally. We do this thing where we try to sabotage relationships in order to not get hurt, that way if things end, it is because of something we did, and part of me wonders if that’s why I did the things I did like lie and hide. Borderline is a paradox, we intensely fear abandonment but at the same time push people away to protect ourselves. I thought I had opened up the darkest parts of myself to my soulmate but I didn’t, I always kept a part of me hidden, out of fear, rejection, but this is what ended up driving him away. Borderline is hard for those around the one’s who are suffering but most importantly for those who are struggling. But one thing I can say about my illness is I love hard. I feel everything deeply, my highs are as high as the galaxy, and my lows can feel the pit of the earth. What I am trying to say is. I want to question that idea that, we cannot experience love unless we love ourselves first because at my most vulnerable, I experienced it. What I want to put forth is the idea that, in loving someone else and in experiencing love we can understand and begin to love ourselves. It may not ring true for everyone, but this is my personal experience. In being in love with my person and experiencing mutual love from him, I can begin to love myself. That’s all someone with borderline personality wants, to feel love and be loved in returned. One day I know I will experience love again, this time a love for myself.

#bpd #living with borderline #boderline personality disorder #relationships #love #self love #mental illness #mental health

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purrpickle · 4 years

Text

Random Pezberry Thought of the Day #353

A/N: This is another long @thedeadflag and me headcanon waterfall/exercise/ramble (at least on my part). It’s full of FEELS and I think worth sharing.

(And if you STILL haven’t read thedeadflag’s stuff, do it! Do it now! Here’s a handy dandy link: thedeadflag’s AO3. You won’t be disappointed. She’s amazing!)

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purrpickle sent a post Person A an...

otp-imagines-cult:

Person A and Person B break up. One day, months after this, Person A goes out and sees person B wearing an article of clothing A got them on the last birthday they spent together.

This made my heart hurt. ...And then I immediately thought of you. What does that say about our headcanoning/discussions? XD But seriously! This hurts, and makes my fic mind spin.

thedeadflag

Being more than a little tactile and always complaining about needing someone warm under her, Rachel gets Santana a big super comfy and warm scarf (one that could double as a blanket in a pinch) that she agonized and spent weeks researching, knowing Santana was picky about her clothes (not to mention Rachel being super unsure regarding her fashion sense when it comes to Santana, because of their history around that particular topic, even despite Santana's reassurances since shortly before getting together that Rachel no longer dressed herself like the wet fantasy of a creepy Japanese business man with a very specific fetish). They spend the last part of Santana's birthday with that scarf splayed around them, among other blankets, and it more or less becomes something Santana wears when she's cold and missing Rachel, a turn of events that just completely makes Rachel's heart sing at the sentimentality (she pens a song about it that Santana wishes wasn't hideously disastrous, but she indulges Rachel regardless whenever the diva wants to sing it to her so long as it's in private).

Flash forward two years later, about a year after they've parted ways, and Rachel's reading a tabloid on Saturday between her matinee and night-time performances on stage when she spots an article full of pap photos of celebs in New York after a major cold front rolled through the city in the winter. Her heart climbs up her throat at the sight of Santana. Santana, freshly broken up with some up-and-coming singer in a rock band, not that she paid an aching level of attention to her ex girlfriend, ex-best friend, and current distant friend who always seems to be busy, and who is only ever really available for brief FaceTime or Skype calls.

Santana, who is walking through Central Park in the photo, on the same path they'd spent much of their first date on. Santana, who is weARING HER SCARF

purrpickle

And god, nausea just pushes up her throat - the kind like her throat's strangling and her stomach's rolling because of the sheer visceral reaction to seeing something incredibly life rocking - and she has to pour over the picture, convince herself that it IS the same scarf, not just a similar one, and she sits back, suddenly numb, limbs heavy. It had to have been deliberate, didn't it? Their first date, THEIR scarf... Rachel scrubs her hand over her face, truly confused, a mixture of old, buried bewilderment of how things had gone so wrong and hurt and awareness and something she'd long thought had unkindled out of her - a spark of yearning, what-ifs pounding through her head, racing, her hands trembling a little as she pulls her warmed mug of coffee, previously too hot to touch but now her fingers didn't care - it felt good and the slight plain anchored her - close.

Staring at Santana's face, scrutinizing her neutral expression for ANYTHING, but getting no answers, she's only snapped out of her fog by her first alarm, alerting her she needed to start getting ready if she didn't want to be late for her habitual arrival an hour before she needed to be ready, and she decides, taking a deep, deep breath, forcing herself to close the magazine so it wouldn't blare out of her like a beacon each time she glanced in the table's direction, that she'll figure out how to feel later. And even if she had a decision to make in the first place.

*shares Katy Perry’s song Save as Draft*

thedeadflag

:O i know that song! And it definitely fits that AU and now I'm riding a wave of angst

purrpickle

You're welcome.

It's the lines: I still have the same phone number and we've both grown but I don't know (paraphrasing, of course) that really get to me and that AU.

thedeadflag

absolutely. Like, the fact that so much has changed, but that same line of communication remains as when you were together...makes it all that much easier to remember back, to succumb to the urge to reconnect, to feet the same waves of emotions you felt when things broke off, etc.

purrpickle

Also, like, Rachel doesn't want to make the attempt to reach out, rekindle things... And have Santana practically laugh in her face. That's the worst feeling of all.

So her number's the same, always has been, so if Santana really wanted to reach out, like that photo suggests, why didn't she?

thedeadflag

mmhmm

Meanwhile, it's so similar with Santana. She's been just mowing through women since Rachel, and none of them hold a candle to the diva. And she just keeps trying, desperate to find someone who could make her feel like Rachel did, but there's just been heartache after heartache. But she's scared to reach out after their final big fight when things ended. Even though she knows with 99% certainty that one of Rachel's throwaway remarks about her being heartless was just a heat of the moment, slightly alcohol fueled remark from the diva, she can't help but call into question whether Rachel really thought that was true the whole time, whether Rachel hadn't really felt or believed her love for her. And Rachel's seemed so happy lately, so upbeat, and she's been miserable, and reaching out only to have those fears confirmed would be devastating.

purrpickle

My heartttttttt.

And, like, maybe that day Santana had been walking that stretch of Central Park INDULGING that heart ache, having only just happened to brush her hand across that scarf she can't ever put away, even if a relationship gets semi-serious (before breaking almost immediately). She'd stared at it, hands helplessly feeling how soft and warm it was, Santana's eyes sliding towards her bedroom window to see how cold and blustery it looked outside. And maybe she'd wrapped it around her neck, heart skipping a beat as she smelled the faintest hint of what Rachel had always smelled like, and maybe, the scarf so noticeable around her neck, she'd, for the first time in years since traveling that path almost religiously for months after they'd broken up, just HOPING that she'd run into Rachel and they could have... maybe... worked things out..., taken the turn after meeting for lunch with her assistant. She'd tried to school her face impassible, tightening the scarf around her as the wind blew, almost laughing bitterly at herself for forgetting her gloves again, shoving her hands deep into her pockets as she remembered how Rachel used to chide her about that, taking Santana's hands in hers or pulling Santana's hand into her own coat pocket, gloved hand squeezing her tightly.

thedeadflag

*gif of Emma Stone crying and eating ice cream*

purrpickle

She hadn't even noticed the paparazzi that day, trying desperately not to show what it felt like to know the bench where she and Rachel had had their first kiss at was coming up.

thedeadflag

Yep, definitely too deep in her "conceal" mode and her memories to realize anyone was following/watching her, for sure. Just thinking with every stinging heartbeat that this was a mistake, this was a mistake, this was a mistake. Because Rachel wasn't there, and the weather outside couldn't begin to compete with the bitter chill of loneliness and longing her walk down memory lane brought her

And for the rest of the week, she's haunted by the songs Rachel would softly sing when they'd get in from the cold and make their way up to the loft. And it's like whiplash, all those happy, loving memories with the renewed doubts that any of it was as real as she thought it was, as she felt it was back then.

purrpickle

Her footsteps had started to slow as she approached the bench... But with a sharp shake of her head she'd sped up and left it behind, telling herself she was stronger than she had been after the breakup when she'd sit at the bench and cry behind a magazine, hoping against hope that Rachel's warm, smaller body would settle down next to her, arms sliding around her and pulling her head to her chest.

It probably doesn't help that Rachel had been in a high profile, supposedly very serious and romantic, happy relationship for almost two years about a year after their breakup, with rumors that he was going to propose any time now until they had suddenly broken up. Santana didn't like to listen to rumors, knowing her own got out of hand, but it had still hurt. Because she'd been thinking about a wedding in the future - had ALWAYS been thinking a wedding was in the future once their relationship had settled and grown and became real, more REAL than any other relationship Santana had had. And the grapevine had said it was Rachel's boyfriend who had broken up with her, so it probably meant that Rachel had been ready and capable, definitely capable, of moving on. Sure, Rachel wasn't dating anyone currently, only casually here and there, and it had been a while since that serious relationship, but Santana couldn't help worrying that... That she wasn't needed. That Rachel had completely released her from her mind.

thedeadflag

i'm dying here !!! Ugh, the feels

purrpickle

Really, this is a LOT of feels. It's so gooood while it hurts, too. XD

(You know, I was thinking, and it's okay if your addition contradicts this, I just wanted to get it down, but: what if Rachel was actually the one who broke up with her boyfriend and let him say he was the one who did? Because she was happy, but she wasn't AS happy as she knew she could have been. And maybe he DID actually propose, but she turned him down, and that's what led to their breakup.)

(She's never told anyone.)

(Not even her closest friends. The only person she DID almost tell, who she WANTED to tell, was Santana. But she didn't.)

(It hurt too much. And they were over, weren't they?)

(She didn't tell anyone because she didn't want to admit who it was she still thought of. Too vulnerable. Too easy to hurt.)

thedeadflag

that's actually pretty much what I was going to add on, that Rachel was the one that couldn't go through with a bigger relationship commitment after Santana, because it never felt right, felt like enough. But she'd feel guilty enough to let the guy save face and say he dumped her. And she'd struggle with the urge to run to Santana to vent about the whole situation, because it was simply too much for her to handle reasonably well on her own, but she couldn't. Not when Santana had been the benchmark she'd measured him against, not when she and Santana were long since over with, not when they'd lost that best friends-style emotional intimacy long ago after their break-up. Even if Santana was the only one she would feel comfortable telling in theory, she couldn't, not when it was already super uncomfortable and exhausting and distressing to confront that she still thought of Santana. Not with all the distance carved between them since they'd split. Distance they pretended wasn't there, but was clear to anyone who cared to look.

purrpickle

What if... What if this is the first time other than directly succeeding their break up that they're both single at the same time again? Not even truly casually dating anyone.

thedeadflag

I could definitely see that

purrpickle

Like, absolutely single. Not talking single for two weeks or whatever or already forward towards the next relationship.

((("Did you truly think I was heartless?" Silence. Then, deep inhale. "No, Santana. I've always known you feel... Care too much.")))

Ohh, what if they start communicating through paparazzi pics? First Santana wearing that scarf in that part of Central Park, then Rachel fishes out one of Santana's shirts Rachel had found mixed into her things after the breakup and never given back.

thedeadflag

And they're both anxious messes, entirely on edge between pictures, trying to figure out if this is happening or if it's just coincidence, or if their foolish hope is blinding them to other messages at play.

But then Rachel decides to be brave and lures the paps to Central Park, getting them to take a picture of her sitting on their bench, with a vegan ice cream cone in her hand. They hadn't had ice cream on their first date, or their fifth. It was later, on one of their routine walks in the park, after getting ice cream in the dead of winter for reasons that baffled Santana, that they'd found their way to the bench. And she'd been midway through licking her cone when Santana had leaned up against her, all taut and breathless, confessing she loved Rachel.

And so there Santana is, years later, just staring through tears at the photo of Rachel in the park, cone in hand, head tilted towards where she'd been way back then. And maybe it wasn't a rekindling of the flames they once had, but it was...finally, for goddamn once...a clear sign that Rachel missed her. That she hadn't just been a stepping stone, an afterthought, a warm body. That Rachel really had seen her, known her.

purrpickle

*gif of crying anime girl*

I think Santana loses some of her nerve, finally deciding that she's going to reach out - because it's definitely in her court now, after that pic - to Rachel through text. She writes everything out, hundreds of times, erasing and rewriting and erasing again. Finally, exhausted mentally and physically, she settles on, "Do you have time for coffee?"

thedeadflag

Was gonna respond in a bit to this when I had more time but YES

Santana being all "aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA fuck my life whatever I'll just...fuck it, let's just see if she wants coffee" *send* Marches away and paces for fifteen minutes to work off her anxiousness

And she's just so exhausted, and worn down, and every minute that passes feels like an eternity, and brings a wealth of new doubts and second-guessing,

But then her phone buzzes

Rachel had been sitting on her bed when Santana's text rolled in. She'd done a double take, hoping she wasn't dreaming, and then left the room for a moment to come back just to confirm that fact. Santana wanted coffee. And not coffee-coffee-wink-wink-nudge-nudge like some use it as shorthand for a more explicit invitation, because Santana was not the sort to beat around the bush when it came to that... but coffee. Coffee.

And Rachel's mind immediately jumped to Stumptown, and Ground Central, and Third Rail, and Intelligentsia, all their old coffee hangouts across Manhattan, and the Bushwick favorites like Hearts, or Brooklyn Whiskers, and Mixtape Bushwick. All places with histories, but old histories. And as much as she yearned for Santana, and loved so much of their time together, she knew she'd grown as a person since they'd split, and that Santana almost assuredly had too, so she needed a new home away from home where they could feel each other out. A new place, a new tradition. A new them.

It took her twelve minutes to scour google for a place with good reviews that seemed to have the aesthetic that could fit them, and before she could overthink, she sent a name off. Abraço

And then quickly followed it up with an explanation and a flurry of potential times and dates she was available, because of course Santana wouldn't understand what the word meant on its own

purrpickle

I think Rachel's also struck at how it's worded. It's completely up to Rachel, how she'll respond. Rachel might have expected some demanding or direct request, but the Santana she had gotten to know... It did make sense. And it also spoke a lot to her because Santana was respecting her time.

And Santana, having frowned down at the random word when she'd snatched it up almost before it was done vibrating, felt so much relief like heat pool through her body, almost making her limbs numb. But as she read over the times and dates, Santana felt her heart sink, along with her smile. She was busy. Each day. She'd forgotten that she was headed for LA that Monday, for two weeks, as well as not figured that, it being currently a Wednesday, Rachel would be busy with her shows through that week and weekend.

Santana's shoulders dropped, her eyes burning. She hoped that this wasn't a sign. And the fact that Rachel had responded at ALL was a positive. But Santana didn't WANT to send back what could be construed as backpedaling, or having changed her mind. But it was true she just... Couldn't make it. Still, fingers trembling as she typed out something she hoped wouldn't stop everything, her heart pained, she sent it, and hoped it would be okay.

“God, I'm sorry. I totally forgot I'm going to be in LA for two weeks starting Monday. This isn't an excuse not to meet. I'm sorry. Maybe after I come back?”

(My thought being they could start texting slowly again, getting to know each other again before coming face to face. And they're adults, with busy lives, and, I think, it almost makes it mean more if it doesn't go smoothly.)

thedeadflag

!!! absolutely!

purrpickle

It also goes to show how impulsive and exhausted Santana was, completely forgetting that.

thedeadflag

I could definitely see it happen. Sometimes in her excitement/determination, she can get impulsive and not think things completely through

purrpickle

Okay, delete the second I'm sorry in the text. I was thinking I'd forgotten to put one in. And that way, when Rachel gets the first text, she DOES feel let down, but then Santana can quickly send another text with another I'm sorry in it. (Or is that too cliche? XD)

thedeadflag

Nah, they're awkward messes. They've already fumbled their way through communicating via pap pictures. What's a little fumbling through texting?

purrpickle

OH GOD. Though I'm not done exploring this adorable awkward mess of Rachel dealing with the high and abrupt low - while Santana's in LA, all the magazines and tabloids are talking about are her romantic lunch and dinner dates (with her producer or something), no matter where Rachel looks. Like, she and Santana are communicating, and she knows not to trust tabloids, but Santana looks so HAPPY in the pictures, with the smile on her face that always made Rachel's heart pound.

Like, it's not a big thing between them, but it does stick in the back of Rachel's mind.

I was thinking earlier that both women make a concrete decision to not rush things - or, let's be real, even discuss what's happening with each other because both are terrified the other isn't after trying again - and just hang out as friends for a long time. Sure, there's awkward moments and in drawn breaths when they accidentally brush against each other, but they just get coffee together, then more coffee, then maybe lunch or brunch, then Santana inviting Rachel round to watch some sort of television show together or something. They try very hard to rebuild up the friendship they lost.

And there are missteps. From both.

thedeadflag

Oh for sure. They've been so out of sync for so long that they're going to bring some friction, and fumble around. And some old habits will resurface that are (or at least feel) a bit too intimate for that stage in the relationship, and that'll throw them off their games, and have them retreating, and yeah. I definitely think that's likely

purrpickle

Oh yes. Definitely. Good point. It kinda stops them cold when they realize what's happening. And yeah, they retreat. It's them, after all.

It's like, is all this awkwardness, hyper focus of NOT to do the wrong thing, even worth it?

Somehow, Rachel and Santana manage to get coffee and talk and spend together for about two months before people start to catch on, or take pictures of it. Immediately, the tabloids clamor about "Old flames igniting" and "Rachel had never given up on Santana" and "Santana turning to Rachel to repair her scandalous reputation", etc. etc.

It's not long before Quinn is calling up Santana, not wanting her old friend to be hurt again, while Tina and Mercedes show up on Rachel's doorstep, demanding a girls' night out/in - and Rachel, who had had plans to see Santana that evening has to cancel them, awkwardly starting, like, "Tina and Mercedes are in town..." and "Yeah, I get it," Santana answers, "Tell Wheezy and Chang One I's talk to them later." Both don't get too good of a night's sleep.

thedeadflag

And maybe they manage to sneak off to a coffee shop late the next morning, all bleary eyed and grumbly, and proceed to pass out against each other in a shared booth seat. They wouldn't mean, to, of course. It's the one place that has someone deliver coffee too their tables, but it takes longer than they expect (or, than Rachel expects, given Santana knows how complex Rachel's order always is) and they're both just so tired from being up all night thinking about how to navigate the situation with their friends when it'd been hard enough to navigate on their own without the interventions and interrogations.

purrpickle

It's Santana who wakes up first when the barista comes over, and she groans, nodding at the guy to just leave the coffees. She shifts a little, heart squeezing as Rachel's head rubs against her shoulder, the other woman protesting at getting moved, and Santana lightly nudges her shoulder. Her heart is beating hard, her brain telling her not to move her, to take the opportunity to feel her against her again, and breathe in the scent that had always been RACHEL... And her fingers hover over Rachel's cheek, aching to smooth her bangs from her eyes. They've gotten close again, but... Not close enough for that. And they - still - hadn't really talked about where they heading.

Exhaling, her eyes averting as they threaten to water, Santana nudges Rachel's shoulder again, harder. "Coffee's here," she shrugs casually when Rachel sits up, blinking at her blearily. Rachel's scent and warmth is gone, and Santana takes a sip of her coffee to cover herself.

"Oh, thank you. I... Was I sleeping on you?" Rachel almost stutters, blushing. She can't believe herself.

(There was a song I was listening to [on repeat when I couldn't find the case to swap out the CD] on my drive back up that very much reminded me of this story. Let me see if I can find the relevant lyrics.)

(We used to be inseparable, I used to think that I was irreplaceable We lit the whole world up, before we blew it up, I still don't know just how we screwed it up)

-Selena Gomez, Love Will Remember

thedeadflag

this angst has me wishing lesbian life alert was a real thing because I think I'm gonna need it if this keeps escalating XD

purrpickle

At least in this 'verse they're rebuilding and getting each other back. :D

thedeadflag

this is true :P

purrpickle

(But honestly, it screams angsty Pezberry to me.)

Who breaks and moves in for a kiss first?

thedeadflag

I think Rachel. It's the slow build-up of past memories and feelings alongside all the fantasies and ideas and hopes her overactive imagination and inner passion drum up over the months of playing it cool and feeling each other out. Rachel does her best to keep composure, to play it safe with her heart, but she's absolutely not a "bend, don't break" girl, she's composed and strong and willful until she's suddenly not, and it's in one of those moments of weakness where she just straight up finds herself moving in for a kiss before she can catch herself. She's always wanted anything and everything in her life too damn much, and after so long just dancing around with Santana in this pseudo relationship, she just gets overcome by a rush of need, and...well, she wouldn't be Rachel Berry if she wasn't driven to excel in everything she does

at least, that's my take

purrpickle

And Santana registers what Rachel's doing as she's moving in, Rachel's hand tight in the sleeve of Santana's coat, and god, she's shocked still, lips parted as Rachel, hesitating only a second, own lips trembling, presses into her. It's not a long kiss, Santana's hands rising to cup Rachel's sides, Rachel already leaning back even as Santana gently puts more and more weight on her as if to push her; but then Santana wavers, and with a breathy, needy exhale, she's closing the distance, her own lips molding back over Rachel's. It's not an exceedingly passionate kiss, this one, just lips pressing against lips, hearts jumping and chests heaving with bodies prickling, but both women are slightly dizzy from the sheer RELEASE and CONSTRICTION it blossoms inside of them. Release, because it means both are on the same page, but also constriction from the sheer anxiety and fear inside each other that is this right? Even if they want this so much, should they TRULY try it?

(But Santana's not strong enough to pretend she doesn't want this.)

But they take it slow. Don't fall into bed. Don't even have a hot and heavy macking session. They just kiss once, twice, then pull back, staring at each other. Then they talk. They talk a LOT. Things waterfall out. And then Santana goes home for the night, maybe even the one to suggest it, that they should take the time and think and make sure that if they agree to actually try again, it's with time away and it's not the rush of just how amazing their physical connection has always been.

thedeadflag

Yep. Maybe if it was their first time entering into a relationship, they would have fallen into each other and their passion, but they're older, more cautious, with greater willpower. As much as Rachel might want to give in completely, she knows they have to get it right this time if they do it at all. And that means patience, time, and lots of talking. And while she's only comfortable with the last of those three things, Santana's worth the effort.

(and yeah, I can see Santana suggesting heading home...as much as Rachel is a fantastic planner, she's more reactive than cerebral in the moment, at least compared to Santana, not quite as quick at plotting out the smoothest, safest way to handle this new revelation after they've talked enough about it and what it means for them. Rachel would ask a lot of important and detailed questions, but Santana would be steering that particular ship and figuring out for the both of them when they need to call it a night)

purrpickle

Right. Santana wants to protect her heart - and part of her still can't help but want to protect Rachel's, too - and she knows when she needs to step away, to process, and especially knows when Rachel needs that too. She needs to know that when they meet up again the same feelings will be there - from BOTH of them. And she's scared. She's honest to god scared. Kissing Rachel scared her - because it was real, because it illustrated that the physical feelings are still there, and because Rachel hurt her before. She knows, logically, that they've been working towards this, that obviously they set out with the resuming of their relationship in mind, but if it's actually starting to happen... No one, aside from Brittany during high school and the time afterwards, has meant so much to Santana. And she doesn't want to squander this, knows her particular role to play in this, and NEEDS to see Rachel reach out and meet her. And part of that is slowing them, if just to feel like there truly IS a way she can control this, feel in control.

That the EMOTIONAL part of during the kiss was still there, too.

She's vulnerable, but what she's learned over the years they were apart and her trying to move on, is that they can't fall back together in their old love. They need to fall in love again, in their new lives.

thedeadflag

^^^ This is hitting me right in my fluffy angst feels

purrpickle

Me tooooo.

I thought it was very important, this part: they can't fall back together in their old love. They need to fall in love again, in their new lives. Because it's SO TRUE they could fall into the old trap of just picking up from where they were, bury themselves and hide in it. When what they really need to do is TRULY start over, MAKE new love and let it be them, not the echo of what it once was.

Basically, they can't live on the dying energy of a supernova. They need to live on the new world built from its stardust.

thedeadflag

Yep. They aren't who they used to be. They can't fall in love with the ghosts of who they were...they can appreciate the good times they shared back then, and the love they had for each other, but they're different people now. They need to completely explore each other's depths again, and and find out if they're compatible again, if they can fall in love with these new versions of each other. Just because they fell in love once, and were a good fit once, doesn't mean they would again. After all, they fell apart because they stopped being a good fit. Something changed, or at least something didn't fit where they thought it did, and that hurt more than anything. So they need to get it right. They need to be careful. They need to figure out if they really fit together instead of just hoping they will and ignoring the details, because neither of them want to get hurt again, or to hurt each other. They know they deserve love. It's whether or not each other is the right one to share it with is the question they need answering, and Santana's absolutely going to figure out if the people they built themselves into after the wreckage of their relationship are compatible pieces of their life's puzzle, or if they're just better off friends

purrpickle

Oh god my heart just died. And honestly, they're both so scared that they'll only fit as friends. Because the way they feel about each other, they can't see a future where just friends would be enough. And yeah, you should always be friends with your lover, but could they ever be friends if they weren't lovers? Would they be able to grow into that.

And honestly, I just saw a heartbreaking scene where Rachel's crying, sobbing, because she's so terrified Santana's going to say they won't fit, they won't work, and she's mature enough to realize that she shouldn't, wouldn't be able to MOLD herself into fitting together, or "changing" Santana to fit her inside herself either. Because if Santana says friends, that's it, and she'd abide by it, even as her heart's breaking. But she's crying, admitting to Santana that she wouldn't be happy, that she's terrified they won't/can't try again.

She's not trying to put Santana on the spot, but she can't help how she feels.

thedeadflag

She wouldn't be Rachel if she could

*help how she feels, that is. She's always been particularly vulnerable to her emotions pulling her all over the place. Again, she's always wanted things too much

purrpickle

I mean, that makes it sound like Santana's the gatekeeper for their relationship, but I kind of imagine, in this case, she is.

Rachel's not another rushed into high profile fling. But also, Santana does drag this on a bit too long. Maybe not entirely knowingly, but I can see Rachel finally pointing it out to Santana, quietly, forcibly stoically.

thedeadflag

and as much as she heard Rachel's words, as much as it all clicks together with perfect sense, it only lays her fears bare for all to see. She's always been cautious, calculating, and one of the few times she wasn't, she got her heart annihilated. She's terrified of that happening again. Even if everything points to them being a good fit, she second guesses herself, and though she realizes that a little late into their new attempt, she can't help it. She's scared. Because as much as she can see a vivid future together, she can still remember exactly how each one of the many breakdowns felt after she and Rachel fell apart the first time.

But it's a good thing, it's exactly the kind of kick in the ass she needs, because she's been patient, she's been cautious, she's been so focused on them and how they fit, and she just hasn't let herself put all the pieces of their mosaic together in her mind yet because she's been terrified they won't fit, not just because she knows it'd break Rachel's heart for them to not be able to be friends, knowing it wouldn't be enough for Rachel, and that it also wouldn't be enough for her after everything. Not with how she feels. But also because she's terrified that they will fit, but that she's missed something, like last time (because of course Santana blames herself, regardless), and that they'll end up repeating past mistakes.

But they're not the same people. Not anymore. And she goes over the differences between who they were when they started the first time with Rachel, and who they were when they ended. And the fact that Rachel isn't on-the-fly creating a powerpoint to visualize the differences as they brainstorm and reassess what they've learned over the past months...maybe it's a little absurd to focus on, but it's something that she uses to keep herself focused and faithful on the notion that it really isn't too good to be true, that maybe they really could work together. That in the years that have passed, they've grown and changed and the flaws that condemned their past relationship aren't there anymore. And at the end of the two and a half hour conversation, their coffees cold on the table, the sun long since set, Santana asks what they do now? (maybe? I don't know, is that the right sort of direction?)

purrpickle

(I'm not sure what you're asking?)

thedeadflag

like, I don't know, my mind's been a little foggy all day, so I'm not sure if I'm missing anything important in my on-the-fly stream of consciousness rambling/brainstorming

purrpickle

Hey, you're making more sense than my word deluge seems to make to me. Is this two and a half hour talk happening after Rachel tells Santana she's drawing things out?

thedeadflag

yeah, that's what I figured. Like, maybe Rachel says it, warns Santana, and plans on leaving directly after to let Santana think, but Santana reels Rachel back in, because okay, yeah, she HAS drawn this out too long, and if they need to get down to it and make the call, figure out if they're 100% in or out, then they do it right now. So it's two and a half hours of arguments and counter arguments and pros and cons and drudging up painful past memories yet again, and contrasting with what they've recently learned, and maybe some more info they share that seems innocuous but the other finds interesting or surprising, and it's all exhausting, and lasts much longer than expected, but by the end...every negative counterpoint, every con, has been dealt with or they're explicitly aware of it and have discussed how to work through that. And they're left with...all signs pointing to yes, pointing to "Pezberry: The Sequel" as Kurt and Quinn would call it. And as scared as she is, Santana's in. And Rachel, Rachel's overwhelmed and relieved, and frazzled, but she's in. But then they have to figure out where they go from there, and Santana's just blanking, because how do you ask a woman on an official date-date after you've spent 2 and a half hours going through an emotional gauntlet together?

purrpickle

You know, I think Rachel steps forward at this moment. She's scared, exhausted, too, but she can see how scared and exhausted Santana is, too. And Rachel carries a lot of the guilt inside herself, too. She reaches out, palm trembling, to cup Santana's cheek, pulling her to look at her. "We both want this," she whispers, "And we've talked enough that even I feel that anything more at this moment won't say anything more." Rachel laughs lightly, biting her lower lip, smiling as Santana's lips curl up, her dimples starting to show as her dark eyes meet Rachel's, "Why don't we..." Rachel licks her lips, heart starting to trip in her chest, gasping as Santana's hand finds her free one, almost shyly curling around it - just to feel Rachel's hand in hers, not let her lace their fingers together. "Why don't we do this? Go on a date. I... I want to. Tomorrow. Or... The next day. Yes, the next day." Rachel lets her hand fall, curling it around Santana's around hers. "We... We can talk in the meantime, but truly 'START' there."

And they do start out slow. Hold hands, sit next to each other, closer than they had before, but not cuddling yet, and short, light kisses when they get done with their dates or go home for the night.

Oh god. The first time they have an argument (like all couples do). Both are vibrating and scared that the other will say something that will break them, or bring up the past, so each are preemptively trying to protect themselves and prickling the other.

thedeadflag

Absolutely, it's like they almost expect something to go horribly wrong, like a veil being lifted to realize it was never real, they never had a chance, their past heartbreak was too much to overcome, that they'd be defined by their past actions yet again

and they don't even realize they're doing it at first, but they're throwing barbs in a sort of self-destructive "it was never going to work, so at least by creating its destruction, I was in control of it, I could minimize the pain" sort of way, and it's just leading down and down, and Santana realizes it first after a particularly pointed remark that sounds so much like her high school self that it's jarring. And it reminds her that this is exactly what she used to do in high school, to herself, at almost every opportunity for happiness.

purrpickle

((Okay, so I came up with this, but I don't know if it really, truly fits? Like, yes, it's vulnerable enough, but I'm not sure they'd really be able to stop the argument in such this way. What's your opinion?))

Finally, after a sharp word, Santana notices that Rachel's... shaking? Her heart squeezes, her own tension in her body suddenly more noticeable. "Rache?" she barks, it coming out more angry than she means it to, still riding high on frustration and fear, "You're... You're trembling?" She still wants to continue the argument, the self destructive part of her wanting to "win" the row, but the self sacrificing part of herself wants to just hug Rachel. It's only a stupid argument, not, hopefully, she yearns, the true end of their relationship. And Rachel's not even looking at her now, inhaling, as if to ignore Santana's question and shout out another painful jab... But she's trembling. And Santana realizes she's trembling too.

thedeadflag

it makes sense. Santana does love to win, and is terribly stubborn, but she's shown a willingness to shift away from those parts of herself (at least temporarily) to focus on more emotional matters. (example: arguing with Rachel over the disposed pregnancy test, pulling Rachel close and comforting her instead of continuing the argument when Rachel tells Santana she 'had no right' and subsequently breaks down)

purrpickle

*nods* I also see it as kind of an unconscious trade off... Rachel made the first move to ask Santana out (after forcing the conversation), and Santana's the first to stop this spiraling maelstrom. Obviously, both don't want all of their arguments or tiffs to end up in sabotage, so they talk, again, promise to try and not doom them before they truly have a chance. They're worth it... They have to be.

Ugh... So I'm feeling extremely fluffy right now. The first night they stay the night with each other, like in the same bed, as both have ended up crashing at the others' place before in a guest bed - no sex, not even taking off clothes, just in pajamas - but definitely touching each other, and waking up tangled together.

Touching each other as in lying next to each other or holding hands or even Santana opening her arms and letting Rachel snuggle into her.

thedeadflag

you know I'm a total sucker for soft, simple intimacy !!! Especially involving beds and snuggling !!

purrpickle

In the early morning hours, it's the special time of day where vulnerable, true things can be whispered without repercussions or second thoughts. It's the close, soft, warm moments, where Rachel can bury her face into Santana's chest and say, so softly, that she's missed this. That no one's arms around her has ever felt so good. And Santana nuzzles the top of her head, and admits, just as softly, voice as emotionally naked, that she agrees. That it's like they were meant to be. That, and she swallows, pressing her lips to Rachel's hair, that maybe everything had to happen so they could have this.

#pezberry #rachel berry #santana lopez #thedeadflag #thought = headcanon = almost complete fic/drabble inspiration = if i had energy to flesh it out more #rptotd #353 #given brief formatting and editing #ugh ugh ugh #i remember being so wrapped up in this 'verse for a while #so angsty #fluffy angsty #the best kind i think

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charmingturkeysandwich · 4 years

Text

I Could Use a Love Song Ch. 3: don’t need no reason or happy hour

Chapter 3 of my Country Singer!Emma AU is here. I added a tag on AO3 for alcohol abuse, because while I don’t think we have true alcoholism here... Emma’s coping mechanisms are shit and the heavy drinking isn’t the healthiest. I wanted to make sure that I added that warning here as well. Please don’t use alcohol like Emma does here. I know from experience it’s hella bad news. Find a therapist! This is actual advice, not a joke. For reals. Emma should have just gone to a counselor instead of making appointments with Jose Cuervo and Jack Daniels. If anyone has treated you the way this iteration of Neal treated Emma, talk to someone. If you can’t afford a therapist, talk to me. Seriously, no lie, no joke, I’m only alive today because I eventually adopted a dog and sought counseling to cope with life’s many traumas.

Mmmmkkay enough babbling.

Also on AO3

Previous Chapters 1 | 2

Their next few gigs were some of the best in Emma’s (admittedly tequila-hazed) memory, and for once that glimmer of hope for that future of fame and fortune… well, it felt like a hell of a lot more than a glimmer.

The crowds had been rowdy, raucous, and ready to sing along to every song on their whole set. A few people even more some of the merch Killian had started selling at the door, nothing fancy of course, but it made her heart burst with pride nonetheless.

It had all gotten so real, so achievable, so close to everything she’s been dreaming about before she ever really knew that dreams were a thing that could come true.

So of course something was about to bring back the quasi-comfort of her life always reverting to being a waking nightmare.

That was a deeply melodramatic way of putting it – it’s not like she was being beaten or shamed or any of the daily torments her tiny town had ensured were burned into her brain. But that was the problem with the past, wasn’t it? It wasn’t over, even when it was. Those days were past but they would always somehow be present, replaying in her brain and aching in her heart no matter how far from Pennsylvania their little van puttered.

(Whoever said you can’t go home again neglected to mention how hard it was to leave it, even after you’d physically gone.)

It had been a Tuesday. In some chain grocery store outside Virginia Beach, the sun glowing through the big front windows and the icy chill of the air conditioning raising goosebumps on her bare arms. Emma had only echoes of a hangover, so Ruby’s constantly chatting wasn’t nearly as grating as it could be. They moved slowly through the aisles, tossing various food and supplies in their cart, more than fulfilling the list Graham and Mary Margaret had given them.

They were still struggling artists but some weeks the struggle was… less. This was one of them and if they decided to celebrate with Patron instead of Jose Cuervo and fresh, organic honeycrisp apples instead of Great Value brand dried apple chips, well, it’s because they damn well deserved it.

They couldn’t have been more than a few feet away from the checkout when the radio (a constant calming presence, most days, being the object of their ambition and all) caused her heart to drop to the deepest pits of her gut, twisting her insides until she was nearly dry-heaving to get the gross sensation of feelings out of her body and in the sewer system where it belonged.

They say scent is tied to memory, and it surely is, but there’s something, too, in sound. Music had a distinct way of tying itself to a moment, to a feeling. For some people that feeling was joy, was love, could be better than the best drug to intoxicate them with no risk of hangover. But for Emma, for this song in particular, it was all hangover, no high.

I’m set on cruise control

I’m slowly losing hold of everything I got

You’re looking so damn hot

The lyrics were innocuous enough. Sweet. Loving. There was certainly some couple out there – many, probably – who smiled fondly at each other when it came on. But for her, it was just a reminder of how pathetic she’d been, once upon a time, how deeply manipulated she’d been. And oh, the consequences she’d suffered for falling for a sweet voice and a pretty face and a moment that had felt like a country song.

And I don’t know what road we’re on

Or where we’ve been, from starin at you, girl

All I know is I don’t want this night to end

It had been a song she’d listened to in Neal’s truck, on a back road, the moon high and the stars bright and her heart hammering in her chest before he leaned over the center counsel parked in his daddy’s field and kissed her like she was precious, like she was, like he could love her through this life and the next.

And even today, half-hungover in a Piggly Wiggly or whatever the fuck this place was, she still felt the whisper of butterflies in her. She still remembered how much she’d believed the lies and even hoped the bad stuff wasn’t actually real, holding on to nights like that first one, her and Neal seemingly the only two people on Earth and all she’d ever need to feel whole again.

Emma Swan was a fighter, a survivor, a strong, badass woman that no man would ever hurt again.

But one Luke Bryan song on a clear Tuesday afternoon had her so torn up in shame, she almost forgot her best friend was standing beside her, her little “family” of a band and crew waiting for her back at the block of hotel rooms down the road.

She wasn’t in Pennsylvania. Neal wasn’t anywhere near her. But she could practically smell his cologne and the exhaust of his truck and the fact that there was a tiny part of her that truly still wished it had all worked out, that he’d been the happily ever after she’d wanted, and she wanted to slap herself silly for how stupid one smart girl could be.

“I think we can afford some Reese’s mix, right?” Ruby asked, already tossing two bags in the cart as they entered the self-checkout line.

“Yeah,” was all Emma could respond, her traitor brain still wavering between wishing for an alternate ending to her stupid, sad tale and coming totally clean to Ruby about what horrors she’d suffered and hitting the road with her on a revenge-fueled quest to keep that fucker from ever hurting another sweet, could-be-innocent girl ever again.

“Emma, you with me?” Ruby’s voice was hesitant, her eyes wide as she took in Emma’s likely ghost-pale complexion and battle-ready stance.

(She was always fighting those internal ghosts and damn could those things travel.)

But she didn’t want to think about Neal or the bruises long-healed or how she wishes she could time travel back and prevent the most painful part of what that monster had done to her, the part where for a pretty little minute she truly thought she’d loved him.

No. The past might be doing its damnedest to creep into today but she was not going to let it.

Fuck you, Luke Bryan, and all your pelvic sorcery.

“God, I hate this song,” Emma finally croaked out. “I think we should celebrate today.”

��Celebrate how much you hate a song that I’m fairly sure David would kill you for hating?”

“No, Rubes. Celebrate this,” Emma motioned all around them, somewhat erratically, only serving to further confuse Ruby. At least for a moment. “We’re really getting somewhere, aren’t we? I mean, three hotel rooms. That’s, like, a record. We’re getting somewhere. You and I, we came from some shit, right? And now we’re headed toward something good and I think we should celebrate.”

“And how exactly do you propose we celebrate this? Because if it’s by having a four-way with Graham and Killian I’m absolutely in, with just a couple ground rules – “

Emma cut off her teasing before her brain had enough time to make any visuals of that: “Ew. God, no. Why does your brain even go there? No. I just meant, you know, hitting some bars or the beach or something. Day drinking. It’s the ultimate in enjoyment and not giving a fuck.”

“So you’re suggesting we celebrate the good the same way we drown our sorrows in the bad?” Ruby mocked, tossing the groceries on the conveyor belt and a packet of mints at Emma’s head.

“No, you drink your sorrows in the dark. You drink your celebrations when the sun’s out,” Emma said like it was the most normal, accepted thing in the world, like she was reciting it from a code of conduct instead of having made it up on the spot to cover for the fact that she very much, one hundred percent was drowning her sorrows but just didn’t have the patience to wait for the sun to set.

“Sure, Ems. Let’s go with that.” Ruby clearly wasn’t buying her bullshit – she always did have an excellent bullshit detector – but she went along with it all the same.

Emma paid for the groceries and hefted as many bags to the car as she could possibly carry, the burn in her arms like the warmth of the sun as she flip-flopped her way to the awaiting van, a great day of drinking and forgettingahead of her.

The usual six of them turned into seven that day, Killian’s old buddy from the service having been stationed at the naval base in Norfolk and here for a visit. Will, that was his name, and he was a pain in the ass in the very best way. He had been matching her shot-for-shot in the hotel room before they hopped the Uber to The Cove, a beachside bar favored by locals and tourists alike. He would tease her and taunt her and buy her drinks, but with absolutely the energy of a brother and not a I’m looking to get into your pants kind of way.

David saw her as a sister, sure, but he tended toward the serious, the protective. He cared so much and knew too much, and it kept him from being totally lighthearted or even downright rude. And Graham, well he never paid Emma quite that much attention, always on his own quests and whatnot. She couldn’t blame the guy, and truly she didn’t usually want attention, but there was something about today, something about the casual nature of her exchanges with Will that allowed her to just be free.

Killian wasn’t quite on board, though. Ever since she and Ruby had floated the idea of some casual no-show-tonight fun, he’d been weirdly quiet. Mary Margaret and David were notably excited, seeming to view it as an opportunity for date night, even with the five other tagalongs. And Ruby was pretty much always up for a party.

But Killian seemed to be cranky at her and she couldn’t figure out why.

“Let loose, why don’t you, Jones!” Emma shouted across the bar, Killian nursing a rum and coke while Ruby, Will, and Emma had joined another group of probable-tourists in a limbo competition.

“Eh, let him sulk,” Will had suggested, stumbling a little after returning to the upright position. He was suspiciously good at the limbo. Maybe he’d been a gymnast in another life?

“I’ll get him, Em,” Ruby promised, having fallen flat on her ass after the last round (the responding ooooohhhhhhshaving more to do with her skirt riding up to her waist as she fell than it was about the fall itself).

Ruby had spent the next hour or so in the corner with Killian, both steadily drinking but never really coming to re-join the party. So Emma and Will kept socializing with strangers while Graham flirted hard with a pretty girl and Mary Margaret and David found another grossly into each other couple to apparently double date with, because of course they did.

After a few drinking games, a few messy dances, and definitely too much liquor for before 5pm, Emma finally took a break, she and Will sidling up to the bar and ordering some nachos.

“Y’know, you’re not nearly as pretty as Killian described you,” Will said after a few minutes of nacho-focused silence.

“Hey! I think you’re insulting me and I don’t appreciate it,” Emma responded, cheese dripping down the corner of her mouth.

“Way he talks, you’d think you were a bleeding fallen angel or something. I definitely didn’t expect a hot mess who talked with her mouth full.”

“Hah! You said hot. I still got it,” she joked, chomping down on another cheese and chili covered chip.

Emma had become pretty good at reading people – people tended to adapt after you suffering the consequences of falling for it – and Will definitely wasn’t flirting with her. At least not with actual intent. So why on earth had he brought up her looks?

She was happy to play along with whatever game he had going, was even feeling a little bolder and more confident than usual with his carefree attitude and his backward compliments.

But his next comment was the proverbial bucket of ice on any of those feelings.

“He’s a good man, Emma. I hope you don’t toy with him.”

“Excuse me?” What exactly was this fucker accusing her of? She hadn’t even talked to Killian since they’d been at the hotel and she certainly hadn’t been mean. No, even at her most prickly, she was never all-out mean to him. He was a good guy, the type to hold your hair when you puked and nearly the opposite of her initial assumptions about him. Of course she’d never ‘toy with him.’ The fucking nerve of this dude.

“I don’t think you know me enough to continue those thoughts, Scarlet,” she warned, shoving the nachos away and downing her fruity drink.

“Don’t get me wrong. I like you, Emma. You’d make a good mate. But I’m more like you than you realize, and I know how many people I hurt before I got myself straight. Just … keep that in mind, won’t ya?”

And then the bastard just… left.

He didn’t say goodbye to anyone – not even to Killian – and left Emma pissed as all hell and sitting alone at a tourist trap in the worst city in all of Virginia.

So much for that attempt at celebration.

But before her thoughts (and actions) could turn to the dark side, Graham and David were approaching her for a friendly tournament of darts and after a couple bulls eyes and a little light taunting, her carefree spirit had returned, just in time to kick Mary Margaret’s ass and move onto the championship game between her and Killian.

“So, that friend of yours is something,” Emma observed, tossing her first set of darts and landing them with soft thunks into the felt.

“Will? Aye. He’s… he’s been a friend for quite a long time. There for me for some pain. So I choose to keep his pain-in-the-ass existence around.” His tone was light and his words sincere, but there was a weight to his expression that Emma didn’t quite understand.

He took his turn, little glints in his eye and mini-fist pumps when he hit his intended target. It was adorable, to be honest. But there was definitely something wrong and despite Will’s seeming accusations about her and her abilities to be a good friend, she wanted nothing more than to take away whatever pain he was reliving at the moment.

So she lost – yes, intentionally – and dragged him to the bar, ordering him some straight whiskey to loosen him up and hopefully to help him forget like she already was.

“Why, Swan, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to get me drunk,” he practically purred, breaking the flirty tone with a gentle boop to her nose. “Which is usually my tactic.”

“Easy, Captain,” she joked with him, fiddling with the prosthetic ‘hook’ contraption he wore when they went out (it’s a perfect beer holder, he’d said, to which she’d responded yeah, right, you just want to play pirate).

Despite the fog of the liquor, a few facts clicked into place. He’d suffered some bad shit in his past, shit Will apparently witnessed. Killian had also lost his hand, probably in the Navy. And this town, it wasn’t far from a navy base. Could that have been his navy base? Had they inadvertently brought Killian to the scene of the crime, so to speak?

The way she never wanted to go back to her ‘hometown,’ the place she’d lived the longest and suffered the most… what if that’s how he felt here? What if she’d suggested they celebrate over the grave of whatever and whoever he lost?

God, she was a hot mess and she was dangerous, the way she sank into her pain without looking into anyone else’s.

Before she could talk herself out of it, she wanted to apologize. Or something. “I’m sorry about this. Or, I guess, about whatever led to this. Or accompanied it. I’m just… I’m just sorry?”

“For the ungodly amount of liquor you’re pressuring me into drinking? Don’t worry, love, I’m a big boy.”

Ugh, the deflection. She knew that tactic well. “No, I mean this,” she said, gripping the elbow of his damaged arm. “I don’t know what happened and I’m not asking, but I just want you to know that I’m sorry. Not in the fault kind of way. Just the way where I wish it hadn’t happened and I know there’s pain and you didn’t deserve it. Or don’t. Currently. You know what I mean.”

“I think you’re drunk off your ass, darling.”

“Call me darling one more time and you’ll be the one on your ass.”

“So defensive, jeez,” he quipped, finishing another drink and slamming the glass back down on the table, his face melting into something a little more serious, if only for a moment. “Thank you, Swan,” he said finally, cupping her cheek with his right hand.

Her heart about stopped as his eyes bored into hers. It was much too much, the closeness, the feel of his hand, the heat of his body, the truth in his eyes, and all she wanted was to go back to teasing and laughing and strangers who didn’t have feelings or at least didn’t share them with her and why did she even bring it up, anyway? Just because Will had made her feel bad? Why shouldn’t they drink away their pain if it quieted the demons for one blessed day? Why should we have to suffer the same memories over and over when instead we could just fucking let go.

She should have just stuck to letting go.

But his intense sincerity washed away in a blink, his flirty near-pirate persona back with a vengeance. “Now, Swan, what game shall I best you at next?” His gentle caress on her cheek turned into a full grip, his fingers scrunching her face almost comically.

“Name it, Jones. You’re on.”

Turns out their little crew had signed them all up for a cornhole tournament out on the sand and Graham had called dibs on Emma as a partner, for which she was thankful. He was pretty boss at all bar games, and she had a competitive streak even without her BAC being higher than her high school GPA.

But get her drunk and she’d pretty much lie, cheat, and steal her way to bragging rights on whatever silly game they were playing.

So of course she and Graham had made it to the finals, their opponents two bikini-clad college girls who could trash talk like no other.

Which is why Emma was totally fine with the little plot she had brewing in her head.

“Graham, we need distractions here.”

“What do you mean, like have Mary Margaret set something on fire again?”

“Oh, come on. Pretty girls. Fun, happy, drunk, pretty girls. I saw them ogling you earlier so they’re probably straight. Take your shirt off. Now!”

“I always said I’d reject your advances when you inevitably tried to get me naked, Swan, but you drive a hard bargain.”

Emma rolled her eyes, but Graham did as instructed, stretching lazily and pantomiming sweat before pulling at the neck of his t-shirt and whisking it over his head.

The girls missed their next shots, and Graham had the chance to win it with this last toss and Emma was ready to bust out her victory dance just a tad prematurely.

Until the brunette untied her bikini top and let the fabric fall to her waist just as Graham was taking his shot.

He missed, of course.

Damn, these girls were good.

“Can I be of assistance?” a husky voice offered, his breath ticking her ear lobe.

Killian, of course.

“What exactly can you offer, Jones?” Graham swooped in to ask, clearly annoyed that his bare chest hadn’t yet won them the game.

“Well, Graham, Emma here assures me that you’re one ‘fine specimen of man’ but sadly to those girls you’re all talk and no action, across the beach from them, separated by this very game. I think they need something a little more… tactile.”

Killian was over-confident when he was drinking, but it’s not as if he were wrong. If she were one of those girls and Killian came up to her, with his sultry accent and his maddening smirk and the way he’d run his fingers through her long hair…

Yeah, it would work. Definitely. Yup.

“Go for it, Jones, but don’t come crying to us if they don’t take to your charms the way you want them to,” Emma warned, rolling her eyes and banishing all inappropriate thoughts of Killian Jones to the dark recesses of her mind with her knowledge of calculus and the memory of that time she walked in on Mary Margaret sucking David off in their shared kitchen back in Pittsburgh.

Killians voice alone proved distracting enough for the blonde girl to miss her shot and Graham, his ego now challenged, sank his with ease.

Emma cheered far too loud and leaped into Graham’s arms, her legs around his waist, Ruby rushing up to high five them and pass along a few more shots to keep the day rolling.

By the time the sun sank behind the bar, the ocean in front of them streaked with the deep blues and purples of twilight, Emma was well past drunk and definitely no longer thinking of any painful backstories or traumas or anything, really, but the cinnamon burn of the Fireball and the feel of Killian’s arm around her as they walked down a set of stairs to a fire pit so much like those that she’d built on the banks of the Allegheny and yet so different, the smell of the salt of the ocean and the leather of Killian’s jacket keeping her brain from connecting the present to the past.

“Jones, haven’t you ever heard you’re supposed to keep your hands to yourself in the presence of a lady?” she teased, wiggling her shoulders where he was grasping her.

“Aye, but I see no ladies here!” He chuckled and she elbowed him and he bowed his head to her ear as they stepped down the last stair. “Besides, love, what if you’d fallen and no one was there to save you?”

She rolled her eyes again, shrugging off his support now that there was no excuse for it, solid ground beneath their feet. “Oh, I’m a loud screamer. Someone would have come for me.”

“Oh, how I’d like to experience both of those things for myself…” Killian groaned, his mind of course solidly in the gutter.

Emma just laughed it off and stumbled toward the fire, joining Mary Margaret and David on a log clearly only meant for two.

Tomorrow was going to be hell, definitely more than just the echo of a hangover. But they had hotel rooms and each other and now and really those things alone made every minute of tomorrow’s inevitable headache more worth it than she could ever have fathomed in any stage of her life before this one.

#cs ff #cs au ff #cs fanfiction #keisha writes #i could use a love song #no luke bryans were harmed in the making of this chapter #yes they play cornhole wrong #i had a brain fart #so suspend your disbelief please #and seriously #i'm here for you if you need it #i drank my feelings for many years #it was not healthy #fun at times #but def not healthy #your trauma is not your fault #I LOVE YOU

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longhornhudson · 4 years

Text

Luck O’ the Irish || Hudrose

Who: Finn Hudson and @longhornmarley

Where: UT Campus, Finn’s dorm room

When: March 17th, 2020

Notes: Not really wanting to go to a party after being stood up, they decide to host a pity party for themselves and shenanigans ensue... NSFW

Finn

Finn wasn't in a good mood. He had had plans to go to the beach with his girlfriend but for no reason, she'd canceled at the last second, leaving him with a packed suitcase but nowhere to go. The walk back to his dorm was long but he'd managed to find a few of his friends who had invited him to a party on Tuesday night, an invitation he had readily accepted. For now he just wanted to sleep the last few hours away. That Tuesday had started off great and he was already feeling a buzz from the pity party he'd thrown himself that day so the idea of going to a party with girls and alcohol seemed like a great one. He grabbed some clothes from his suitcase and threw them on, not caring if they matched. He left his room and headed across campus towards his destination, his mouth already watering at the thought of vodka shots and jello shooters.

Marley

How ridiculous could Marley be? She should've known Declan would've cancelled on her. He always did it seemed lately. The two were gonna go on a trip for spring break and she was gonna see for once where this was going to go. She was tired of playing games and while she enjoyed the extra money coming in, she wanted something real. And now it was like a nail closing the coffin. Maybe it truly was time to end things with him. In a weak moment, she had called her ex, Jake, and the two talked. He was one who knew her pretty well and maybe he could have some insight. Though, she should never actually listen what the boy said about anything. After making plans for him to come down in the next few days so they could 'properly talk', she hung up and headed out to go get ice cream. She was gonna need it. As she walked through campus, she saw someone familiar heading towards her and she put on a fake smile. "Finn, hey." She said as they got closer to each other.

Finn

The jock was off in his own world, hands holding imaginary sticks as they pounded away at invisible drums, the song in his head keeping him from noticing all the stares from people as he walked past. He didn't care, the beat was sick and he was in the zone. So much so that he almost missed it when a voice broke through his solo. He opened his eyes even though he didn't need to bother, he had grown accustomed to hearing it lately that it was already familiar. "Marley, hey. What are you doing here? I thought you were heading out of town?" He asked, stepping in line next to her. "I'm on my way to a party. You wanna come?"

Marley

She watched him as he seemed to be jamming out to the music. If she was honest, she found it really cute, but that shouldn't have been something to focus on right now. She wasn't in the right place to be thinking that. Or was she? She was honestly confused by it all. "Oh, um, I was. But things changed. Got cancelled." She sighed and rubbed her neck. "A party? Sure. I thought you were leaving too." She said and looked into his eyes.

Finn

Seeing Marley and talking to her was becoming a favorite of his. She was funny and smart and she didn't treat him like an idiot, which was always something to appreciate. "Oh. Well that sucks. My plans changed too. Apparently she is staying home until this virus passes so looks like I'll be spending Spring Break at school." He shook his head, shoulders shrugging as the absurdity of his situation. "You know what? Let's go. A party surrounded by happy couples and horny frat guys isn't where you or I need to be right now. Let's go grab some bottles from our roommates and have a pity party in my room."

Marley

Her smile went down. She felt bad that his plans got cancelled too, but maybe in some way they were supposed to spend this night together? Or was she just trying to find a plus side to the sadness? "I'm sorry. People seem to be going crazy about that, don't they?" She said and took a breath. "Just you and I does sound better than being around everyone. I don't want to pretend to be happy." She thought for a moment. "I don't think there are any bottles in my room so I may not be helpful. However I have money and can give it to you to buy some?"

Finn

If Finn believed in fate, he would think she was playing a game with his life and his emotions. Instead of spending time with who the universe expected him to, he saw more of his tutor than anyone else and somehow Finn was okay with that. He couldn't explain why exactly but if he was having to spend Spring Break away from home, at least he had Marley for company. "I don't see why they need so much toilet paper!" He laughed, looking over at her and grinning. "People are crazy." He nodded, spinning around on his heels a bit to quickly, his head spinning momentarily. "We can head up to the store yeah. But put your money away, this was my idea so I'm buying. If we run out, you can buy next round." After he had regained control, the two of them headed off towards the liquor store.

Marley

Marley couldn't help but laugh at his exclamation and nodded. "I know. I think my roommate may be doing that. I don't know if I can handle being at my place all break." She laughed softly as she looked over at him. She watched him and stopped as he talked. "If you're sure. Maybe we can order food and I can pay for that." She suggested as they walked a different way now that they were going to the store.

Finn

"I can kind of see it because on the one hand if you're isolating yourself inside, you're going go need toilet paper but they're acting like they're going to have explosive diarrhea all day and that's just stupid." He said, shaking his head. It was something he had been keeping an eye on but he wasn't going to let it dictate his break. "We can definitely get some food. What're you thinking? Pizza? Tacos?" Conversing with her was easy and before they knew it, they heard arrived at the store. Gathering up all the supplies they'd need, and letting Marley buy their dinner, they left the store, falling right back into that casual conversation as if not time had passed. "So music huh? What made you decide on that?"

Marley

"Yeah, but it's like people forget showers and wash rags don't exist. You can easily wash yourself or those. I wonder if that's what people did while Rick was asleep on The Walking Dead." She laughed softly again. She shrugged. "Either. Both. I'm good with anything. Though, Taco Bell sounds good always." She smirked at him as she started looking at apps on her phone to get them food. She liked being with him. It was already more comfortable than most people she spent so little time with. "I like to sing and I don't know. I want to try to make it in the industry, but I don't know if I will. I don't think I'm that good."

Finn

"Okay you just became like ten times cooler by knowing who Rick Grimes is." He teased, a playful laugh falling from his lips. The best thing about meeting new people was getting to know them. Sometimes it felt forced, like an obligation you didn't want, but with Marley, everything was easy. It was something Finn wasn't used too but he was thankful regardless. "I'm behind a season or two so I know Rick left the show but I don't know what happened." As he waited for her to order food, he pondered her words and couldn't help the small chuckle that surfaced again. "If you didn't think you were good, you wouldn't have picked it for a major. I picked mine because it seemed the easiest option but if you love something, nothing will stop you."

Marley

She couldn't help but grin and shrug. "I read the comics and watched most of the show." Marley said proudly. "I haven't watched since the whole thing happened with Carl. I barely know what's happening right now." She ordered their food and put in Finn's address so maybe it would be there by the time they got there. "I guess so. The whole thing makes me nervous. I want to show off my talent, but I feel like I'm barely able to here. What is that going to mean when I'm out in the world? Will anyone listen to me?" She sighed before shaking her head. "Sorry. That kind of got too deep."

Finn

"A girl who likes zombie shows and comic books? Are you even real?!" He shouted, pinching her skin playfully as they walked side by side. "I think we should finish the show together. Or at least until the current season. Wow, trying to get Heather to watch anything with me is like pulling teeth. It's all Housewives and the Kardashians." He scoffed, rolling his eyes. "I got blackmailed into joining my high school Glee club after the teacher heard me singing in the shower.... that sounded strange, but the point is, I was good enough for them so I mean, if you need a partner for karaoke night or just as a backup singer to help you shine, I'm volunteering to help. It's the least i can do."

Marley

She laughed as he pinched her skin. "Yes. I even like superhero stuff." She smirked at him. "I'm pretty chill, I think. I don't see why some girls are into that. It's not my thing. I'd definitely like to catch up on the show with you." Marley smiled and looked over into his eyes. "Really? You would like to sing with me?" She was actually surprised. She didn't get many solos or duets in the glee club now, but definitely wanted to always prove how good she was. "You are too sweet. Are you real?" She asked and pinched him back.

Finn

"You're like my version of the perfect girl." He laughed, shaking his head. "I mean you like superheroes and comic books. You're not afraid to eat tacos... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!" The jock shouted, garnering a few looks from the people scattered around them but Finn didn't care about them. For the first time in his young life, public opinion meant nothing to him. "We have to make this a weekly thing. We pick a day that works best for us both and we watch as many as we can. Deal?" He asked, holding out his hand for her to shake. "Of course I will. I'm sure you're going to outshine me and in this case, that's what I want you to do." His nose crinkled as they finally seemed to make it back to the dorms. "Owww! My throwing arm!" He feigned injury and laughed, ushering her inside before anyone noticed.

Marley

A blush filled Marley's cheeks as he said that. No one had ever referred to that before. "Shh." She said as she looked around and blushed more. "I'm sure other girls are like me. I'm nothing special." She put herself down. "That would be nice. It would be a nice break from everything and we can get caught up fast." She smiled at him as she walked inside his dorms. "Oh, please. I could barely hurt a fly let alone you."

Finn

Finn couldn't help but raise a brow at her obvious cut down and he shook his head. "Hey none of that. You're awesome. I haven't known you long but you're pretty great. I'm sure there are other girls out there that are like you but I'm not talking to them, am I? Don't cut yourself down. I'm just telling you what I've observed so far. Take the compliment. Please." He smirked, nodding his head when she agreed to his demands. "Its a date. Well, not like a date date but you know, a date. Friendly date among... friends..." He trailed off, rolling his eyes at himself before closing the door behind himself once they were inside. "You're right. I was teasing. I mean, did you even pinch me? I couldn't feel anything."

Marley

She blushed and shook her head. "You're sweet, but I'm really not. And I'm okay with that. I like being a wallflower." She said and looked into his eyes. "But thank you. I appreciate you saying all that." She smiled and looked at him. "A friendly date is perfect. It'll be nice to have something to look forward to." Marley laughed and shook her head. "Shut up." She playfully pushed him.

Finn

"Can I be honest with you Marley? I've never been a fan of all the popularity that I've received. I find it confusing and chaotic. I mean, one mistake and you're getting slushies to the face but then you do something else and you're back on top. There were many times when I considered giving it all up because I just want to be normal, you know? I don't want to be known as 'the jock' or be defined by the girls I date. I've always been envious of the wallflowers because they're kind of who I feel more connected too and who deep down, I'd like to be." He confessed with a shrug. "So I look forward to learning from you on how to be a wallflower." He teased, holding the door open for her as they walked inside and up to his room.

Marley

She looked into his eyes as he said that. It was nice to hear someone didn't care about all that stuff. Maybe they were soulmates or something. But she couldn't think like that. Not right now. He had someone and she kind of did too. This was just a friend thing. "Thanks, Finn. I really appreciate all that. I've struggled with things like that for a long time and it's nice to know you don't follow all that." She told him as they went up to his room. "I guess we beat the food." She commented and smiled at him.

Finn

"Of course, Marls. What are friends for?" He said, his nose crinkling as he held the door to his dorm room open. He heard the buzzer, a sound indicating that someone needed to be let in and he laughed. "Speaking of food. Please make yourself comfortable and I'll be right back." He knew she had already paid for the food but Finn knew the building better than she did and he didn't want her to get lost. After meeting the delivery man outside, and paying the fee and tip, he carried all the food back upstairs, knocking on the door in case Marley was in the bathroom or something. "I'm coming in! I hope you're decent." The jock joked, before entering and laying the food on the table. "How much did you order?! There's enough for four people here."

Marley

She smiled happily at him as she walked inside his room and looked around. It was nice and seemed very much like Finn. She was going to say something just was the buzzer rang and she nodded. "Okay. I'll be here." She smiled and watched him go before she kicked off her shoes and sat down. She couldn't believe this was how her break was going so far, but she liked it already. Maybe it was good she stayed in Texas. She looked up as she heard the knock on the door and laughed as he entered. "Do you think I just get naked or something in people's homes?" She asked jokingly before shrugging. "I covered the basics. Besides, if we're drinking, we'll be hungry at random times and there will still be food."

Finn

"I didn't mean it like that!" He yelled, shouting over the sound of the music coming from next door. "I just meant like if you were in the bathroom or something. I don't know why I said decent, it was the first word that popped into my head." He grinned, putting the food on the counter. He nodded his head in her direction and laughed. "That's very smart. I never would have thought of that and then I would have been arrested by campus police for trying to break into the 7-11 because I got hungry." Pulling each item out of the bag, he opened it to identify what it was before grabbing a couple of forks for the two of them. "Do you want a beer or some wine? I don't have much else seeing as how I wasn't planning on entertaining tonight but you're welcome to whatever is in there."

Marley

She laughed as he shouted and nodded. "Sure you didn't." She teased him as she watched him get some food for them. "I would've tried to stop you from doing that. Especially when a lot of places are open all night." She laughed softly and just kept watching him. "Anything is fine with me. What did you get at the liquor store?" She asked as she sat crisscross applesauce on his couch.

Finn

"Well your head might explode if I had said that I did mean it so..." He smirked, shrugging his shoulders as he walked past her and into the kitchen. Hearing that she would have stopped him made him laugh and he nodded. "I'm sure you would have. You might be tiny but I've no doubt you're strong." The junior laughed, coming back into the living area holding two bottles. "I got two cases of beer and a bottle of wine. Its supposed to be for the barbecue but I'm not sure if that's still going to happen with the flu going around."

Marley

"So you did?" She smirked and raised her eyebrow as she looked at him. "We don't even know each other that well." She teased and watched him closely. "I can be." Marley flexed her arm muscles she barely had. "See." She grinned and laughed. "Well, I can give you money to buy back whatever we drink." She told him and smiled. "I'm good with anything to start with."

Finn

"This time, no. It was a slip of the tongue. Scouts honor." He held up two fingers before smiling at her. "I was never a scout but I promise I wouldn't lie. I had no expectations other than having a fun night with my friend." He explained, watching when she flexed. "Nice. If you ever want to make those bigger, join me in the gym and we can get you on some weights." When she insisted she pay him, he shook his head. "No you won't. These idiots don't need this much alcohol anyway. It'll be fine."

Marley

"Oh, so how can I take that as scout's honor if you were never one?" She teased him. "That's all I have as expectations as well." She laughed as she flexed and put her arms down. "I go to the gym quite often, actually, but we can do something. I'm always down for that." She gave him a look. "If you're sure, but the offer is there. I don't want you to pay for everything."

Finn

They had decided to watch something on Netflix but they had been drinking so much that he barely remembered the title of it or anything that happened in it. They had ended up mostly laughing and playing drinking games until they couldn't anymore. Now, they were laying on the floor of his room, the air conditioning on full blast as they tried to calm themselves down. "I haven't laughed that hard in so long. My sides are killing me, Marls. Who knew you were this funny?"

Marley

Marley never got this drunk. Hell, she never had this much to drink. A buzz here and there in high school, but never something like this. But she liked having this moment with Finn. She liked laughing and trying to breath as they laid in his room with tears streaming down her eyes from laughing too hard. She took a deep breath as he spoke and she poked him. "Hey, I am always this funny. People just don't get my humor." She smirked at him and looked into his eyes. "I haven't clicked like this with someone in a long time."

Finn

"Its because it goes over their head. Your jokes are too smart for the average bear." He laughed, shifting his body so he was facing her. "You haven't? I want to be all like 'yay!' because that means you like me but also, I feel bad that you haven't met anyone as awesome as me before." The jock teased her again before laughing. "But yes, I feel the same. You're not like the other nerds. You're crazy hot but also really smart."

Marley

"Good thing you're more than average." She smiled at him and watched as he moved so they were now just staring at each other. "I like having you. You're definitely worth the wait of meeting someone awesome." She assured him before laughing too only because his was so infectious. "Thank you? I guess I kinda have a sexy librarian thing going on." She said and let her hair down to do some weird sexy move with her hair that made her laugh more.

Finn

"That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!" He shouted, nodding his head before resting his chin on his arms. "Well you can have me whenever you want, Marls. I'm not in demand right now so we can spend as much time together as we want." He added, reaching out to grab her hand. "Just call me Captain Awesome." His head nodded and he smiled at her at her next words, wiggling his eyebrows. "Oh definitely. I might have to start making it a part of my routine. St...stopping by the library I mean." He was distracted as he watched her let her hair down, taking the opportunity to scan her body, suddenly wondering what she looked like naked.

Marley

"That can't be true. You're an amazing guy and I'm sure you get loads of compliments." She smirked at him. "You're not in demand? So you can spend all your time with a little old nerd like me?" She teased and her heart jumped as he took her hand. She looked down at their hands and rubbed his skin with her thumb before back at him. "Yeah? I'd like to see more of you. There. More of you at the library." She said and stared at him. "I'm sure the librarian thing is better without my glasses." She said softly while looking at his lips.

Finn

"Just because you think I'm amazing doesn't mean everyone else does." He admitted with a shrug. "I've been called an asshole, an idiot, retarded and it really hurts. So I don't know, hearing nice things that don't have to do with my football skills is really nice." He hadn't meant to get sentimental but he needed her to know just how much her words meant to him. "Yep. All the time in the world." He smirked, nodding his head. "So lets make it a habit then. I'll have to get you to give me a tour though because I don't know where anything is." Her statement found him shaking his head as he leaned in closer to remove them. "I mean you're hot either way but the glasses definitely add to the fantasy."

Marley

"Well, they should. Because it's true." She said and stared at him. Her heart ached at him being called these things and she reached out to touch his cheek. "You're none of those things. Anyone who says you are obviously has no idea who you are." She told him and smiled. "Good to know there's hope for me." She laughed before nodding. "A tour you shall have. I can even make a map." She teased and let him take her glasses off. She could see mostly fine. She usually wore them to read but got used to wearing them more than contacts. "You really think I'm hot?"

Finn

Finn just smiled at her words, leaning into her touch as he felt the mood of the room shift. Or it had for him. Instead of laughing and having a good time, and despite the alcohol coursing through his bloodstream, he was fighting the urges that he was thinking about in his head. "I'm yours whenever you want me, Marley." He whispered, eyes drifting down to her lips. He propped himself up on an elbow and scooted closer to her, their noses inches apart. He really shouldn't be doing this but he wanted too. "100 percent." He complimented, bringing his hand up to her face, thumb grazing her lip for a second before he took a chance and closed the distance between them.

Marley

Everything changed quickly. Neither were laughing but now were very focused on each other. She watched him closely and her heart started racing as he said he was hers. Part of her knew what he meant, but that didnt stop the feelings arising. No one had ever said that to her. "And if I always want you?" She asked him softly. She moved closer as he did and leaned into his touch. As their lips met, she closed her eyed and pressed a passionate kiss into his lips.

Finn

"Then I'll be there." If he were sober, he would never have said these words to her, not that he didn't think she was attractive because she was but because he didn't want to give her false hope. With his on again off again relationship, he couldn't really get involved with anyone seriously, even if that is exactly what he wanted. But luckily for him, he wasn't sober and saying these things meant everything in the moment. When she returned the kiss, he shifted himself on top of her, breaking the kiss briefly to adjust themselves more comfortably on the floor. Grazing his thumb across her cheek, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before kissing her once again, this time rougher and more wanton.

Marley

The words made her heart flutter. She knew if the alcohol wasn’t flowing through her system, she never would've done this. She didn't do these things with Declan and she barely did them with her ex. Sure, she lost her virginity to him but that was different. They were together longer and she thought she was in love. She barely knew Finn and while she was definitely starting to like him, she wasn't one to do this. She sighed as their lips parted and she looked up at him as he moved to be on top of her. Looked up at him and smiled as he moved her hair before she met his kiss again and released a moan into it.

Finn

The moan that slipped out of her mouth sent a shiver up his spine and he shuddered, thankful that the kiss was hiding the flush of his cheeks. He had never been confident in his skills, had never really been with anyone since high school, and she had made him feel like shit when it was over, so his confidence in his skills was almost nonexistent. He was suddenly very glad that they were both drunk so that she wouldn't be disappointed in him when it was over. His fingers hesitantly trailed down to the hem of her shirt, lifting it up as he grazed the soft skin on her belly.

Marley

The feeling of his hand on her bare skin made chills go through her body. Her heart was beating like crazy and she could only think of wanting more from him. Wanting only him. She kissed him deeper as a hand tangled into his hair while the other ran along the sides of his shirt.

Finn

When he felt her fingers in his hair, he shivered, his body reacting exactly as it had way back in high school. It was a turn on for him and he couldn't help but moan into the kiss, fingers working her shirt higher and higher... he took a chance and sat her up before pulling her shirt over her head, tossing it to the side before removing his own. He allowed himself a moment to take in her form, his breath hitching slightly. "You're beautiful babe." He whispered, leaning in to kiss her again before guiding her back down to the floor.

Marley

Hearing him moan into the kiss turned her on more than it probably should've. She felt his fingers going up her skin and when he lifted her up, she helped him remove her shirt before watching him do his own. She looked over his chest and stomach and smiled up at him as he said she was beautiful. "And you're handsome." She said and kissed him back as she moved back to the floor. Her hands trailed down the skin of his bare back and back up softly.

Finn

Her nails teasing his skin caused goosebumps to pop up over his skin, the sensations quickly overwhelming his body. It had been so long since anyone had touched him like this and it all felt so good. Breaking the kiss to her lips, they trailed along her jawline ad down to her neck where he nipped and sucked the soft flesh. His hands caressed her body and down around to her waist where he fumbled for the button of her jeans, finally working it open, the zipper falling open with little pressure. It wasn't fluid, or perfect, but he managed to push them down and away from her body.

Marley

She sighed happily as he started kissing her jawline and making little marks on her skin. She moaned happily and lifted her hips to help him to take off her pants. Her own hands moved to his front and started to undo the button and zipper there. She was nervous, yes, but she was wanting him more by the second.

Finn

Once they were both down to their undergarments, he realized just how much he couldn't hide his body. He had always had body issues and now knowing that Marley could see it, he would have been self conscious had they not been too drunk to care. His lips left her neck after leaving several marks there, a sign of their activity that would be hard for her to disguise. He placed tentative marks along her collarbone, nipping at the flesh extended above the cup of her bra. Nimble fingers easily worked the clasps to free it from her body, his tongue swirling around the nipple briefly while he worked her panties down and away from her body.

Marley

He was amazing. She was definitely enjoying his body and the way he was kissing her and leaving marks all over. A moan left her lips as he swirled his tongue around her nipple and lifted her hips again to let him take off her panties. The chill from the air conditioner hit her and she suddenly felt very exposed. She was never like this in front of anyone and she was unsure if he would like her body. She bit her lip as she looked up at him and her hands move to take off his boxers so they would both equally naked.

Finn

Being naked in front of Marley, the cold air hitting his bare ass, felt both good and weird. This was a huge step for the two of them and they were both drunk and probably wouldn't remember it in the morning, which was something Finn didn't want to think about. He left feather light kisses down her body, first her breasts and then her belly, tongue swirling around her navel. His dick was hard and he knew he was ready. Scaling back up her body, he pressed his lips to her once more before lining up at her entrance, eyes locking with her. "Are... are you sure?"

Marley

The kisses down her body was sending her through the roof. She was more turned on than she had been ever and she looked up at him as he lined himself up. Marley was more than ready for this. She may regret how this happened, but she wouldn't have regretted being with Finn. "Yes. Please." She begged as she spread her legs wider for him.

Finn

Seeing her mannerisms and hearing that she wanted it, he nodded, kissing her again before grabbing his dick and guiding himself inside her wet folds. It felt so good and he whined into her mouth. She was tight but still allowed him room to fit comfortably inside, almost like two puzzle pieces. He sat inside her for a brief second to give her time to adjust to him before slowly moving his hips.

Marley

She took a deep breath as he entered inside her and it out into the kiss. She touched his cheek and looked up into his eyes before smiling and nodding at him for him to move. The slowness was nice. It was like he fit perfectly inside her and hit all the right places. "Finn..." A moan left her lips and she moved her body towards his.

Finn

He smiled down at her, touching her cheek softly before leaning in to kiss her, his hips starting to pick up speed. Now that he was inside her, and he could feel her getting wetter and more into the act, his body reacted of its own accord, his alcohol riddled brain telling him to speed up. But he didn't. He stayed at the steady pace he was at, hips burning already. His whispered name leaving her lips sent a chill straight up his back and down to his dick. He moaned, eyes slamming shut as he pushed further inside her.

Marley

She kissed him back only for a whimper to leave his lips as he sped up. Her eyes closed as he kept going and she panted with every move. With the sudden push deeper inside her, she let out a loud whine and her nails dug into his skin. Her legs locked around him tightly and she pushed herself against him for more.

Finn

Her nails digging into his skin caused him to whine but he kept going, knowing that it would be worth it in the end. Leaving marks on the other person was normal and to be honest, Finn liked it. It meant he was doing a good job. He was close, could feel the pressure inside, and he stopped kissing her, his blue eyes staring into hers. He sped up his hips, face contorting before he spoke. "Marley I'm close."

Marley

She held him tight as they kept moving together. She hadn't felt pleasure like this before and she really didn't want it to end. It felt perfect and she released little whines to let him know just how good this all was. She sighed as he stopped kissing her and looked up at him as moved faster now. "Okay. Just keep going. Please." She begged him; wanting to get to that point herself. She knew it was close, she could feel it, and she wanted to experience with him.

Finn

Finn wanted to hold on as long as he could, wanted them both to seek the kind of pleasure they'd both been missing so he pushed himself further, his lips kissing her hard while his hips burned and throbbed. He hadn't realized just how out of shape he was until now but he swallowed down the pain and kept going like she wanted, fingers ghosting over her skin and down between her legs while his lips broke the kiss and trailed down to her neck, nipping at the soft flesh before sucking on it.

Marley

She kissed him back and moaned into his mouth. It was growing harder to hold back any sounds and she started to make louder ones; especially when his lips went to her neck. A hand moved up to his hair and she grabbed it tight before she knew her release was coming. "Finn... now. Please. Now." She begged him as she felt the wave of pleasure take over her.

Finn

Her moans and whimpers for him sent another chill up his spine and the tightness in his belly to become unbearable. Holding her tighter, he continued biting her neck, his fingers playing with her clit as she panted quicker and begged for him. As soon as he felt her fingers grip his hair, he cried out her name before releasing deep inside her, his cum coating her walls.

Marley

The pleasure was just pulsing through her as he rubbed her clit. Her sounds were getting louder and louder and she gripped his hair and back with her fingers as he cried out her name. Her walls pulsed around him and she whimpered as her body started to slowly come down for her high while still feeling so much pleasure.

Finn

Finn continued to moan as Marley's orgasm coated his dick and he shuddered, licking his lips before leaning down to find hers. They rode out their orgasms together before collapsing against one another, their breathing heavy and their bodies spent. "Damn." He whispered, giggling softly before making eye contact with her. "Are you okay?"

Marley

This was all definitely crazy. She never expected to do something like this. Not with someone she hadn't known very long. However, it was amazing. She felt amazing. She looked at him as he spoke and she nodded. "Yeah. Yes. I'm.... I'm good." She smiled at him. "Are you? Was this?"

Finn

Finn hadn't known Marley long and yet the way they fit together, the way their bodies moved so in sync, it was like they'd been having sex forever. He just hoped that once the alcohol wore off completely, she wouldn't regret what happened. "This was great, you were amazing. I mean, it's crazy but a good crazy." He said, biting his lip as he pulled out of her, falling next to her on the rug.

Marley

She was relieved he said that. She thought it was good, but she didn't want to assume anything. She watched as he moved off her and took a deep breath as they laid their together. "Good. It was great. It really was." She told him.

Finn

He smiled, leaning over to kiss her again. It was short and brief but filled with hidden meaning. "It really was. I, uh, did you just want to spend the night here? It's late and we're still drunk.. I wouldn't feel right if you left." He asked, grabbing her hand to hold. "If I can move that is. My body feels broken."

Marley

She kissed him back and smiled softly at him. "You want me to stay?" She asked and rubbed his hand softly with a grin on her face. "Yeah. If you don't care. Sure." She looked deep into his eyes and laughed softly. "Broken in a good way, I hope." She moved and laid her head on his chest.

Finn

"Of course. It would make me a shitty person if I had sex with you and then made you walk home alone. My boys out there would make it a game and I'm not going to do that to you so yes, you can stay." He explained, his nose crinkling as she rolled over onto his chest. His fingers automatically ran through her hair as they tried to come down from the high. "Definitely in a good way. My legs are jelly. I'm so glad I don't have class or practice tomorrow because I'd have to call in sick."

Marley

She nodded as she listened to him. " Right. Better this way if I stay." She took a breath and relaxed into his body. She laughed softly and closed her eyes as she buried her head into him. She wasn't sure what to say, but was glad he was still enjoying this."

Finn

"Exactly. I'm saving both of our lives right now." He laughed, fingers tracing up and down her arms. He was getting tired, the exhaustion of their act finally wearing on him and as the room filled with no sound but their combined breathing, he let his eyes fall closed, arms wrapping tighter around her as they fell both fell asleep.

#para: loti #para: marley

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brightsun-and-darkmidnight · 4 years

Text

Stubborn Independence

TITLE: Stubborn Independence

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 2/10

AUTHOR: brightsun-and-darkmidnight

ORIGINAL IMAGINE:

Imagine getting into a petty fight with Loki, so in retaliation, he puts everything on the top shelf where you can’t reach?

AUTHOR'S NOTES: College AU. Loki is determined to take over Odin's company. He works hard and has a strict schedule for success. However, with the interference of Thor and the other four, Loki's plans are often interrupted so they can play matchmaker.

My Ao3: brightsun_and_darkmidnight

~ ~ ENJOY ~ ~

A loud booming call for Loki made his stomach upset. The rapping of knocks and another call for Loki to join him made Loki growl.

"Brother! Come out and socialize!"

There were other voices in the common area as the main door shut loudly.

"We are all in our sleepwear so come out!" Thor was silent for a moment and Loki could hear voices of all his brother's friends talking and laughing. Thor yelled through the door again, "I will get you out of there."

Loki set his book down with care accompanied by a sigh. Loki checked his appearance and made adjustments. When he opened the door Thor's cheerful face received a glare. Thor gripped Loki's shoulder and pulled him towards the living room. More people were there than Loki had heard and noticed all the new faces.

"No way."

Loki saw the words form on her lips and he swore he could hear them.

Thor whispered, "do you know her?"

Loki turned to face Thor in an attempt to escape, "We bumped into each other earlier."

Thor laughed lightly to himself, "you are the one to break her phone." Thor spoke as he rolled forward on his feet, "Trust me. Drop the entire situation. She doesn't take anyone's help."

The flicker of Thor's eyes made Loki's heart drop. Loki hissed, "I know that look. Stop it."

Thor waved Fandral over and he quickly went to them once Thor winked and waved to Loki's entire body.

Fandral asked with a grin, "Which one tickled his fancy?"

Thor purposely clapped Loki's shoulder, talked slightly above a whisper as he stood beside him. "Sirena."

Loki understood the purpose in the movement because Fandral's eyes were able to follow Thor and easily go to Sirena's form behind them. Fandral's face lightened with a huge smile. "The bigger figures are nice to hold. I must say they are very soft."

"What?- no. It's not like that. I bumped into her and I offered to replace her phone."

Fandral's eyes flickered a bit to the other side of Loki with a huge smile, "oh dear boy." His head rose and hand patted Loki's arm, "move on."

Loki hissed lowly, "It is not like that!"

Thor nudged Loki, "It could be."

Loki glared at Thor, who's head tilted towards Sirena that was passing by.

Fandral gently lead Sirena towards Loki.

Sirena's eyes met Loki and time stilled. All the organs in his body stilled for a horrifying moment and his body worked hard to make his mind function. It was rushing with heat that made his hands sweat. Loki played with his hands by pure habit of nerves. A learned behavior to attempt to rid the sweat off his hands.

"Sirena! This is my little brother, Loki! I hear you BUMPED into each other."

Fandral smiled brightly, "Loki is a great guy. Very intelligent. He actually got the one scholarship…" Fandral waved to Loki to pull information.

Loki could not believe this was happening. This was not going to go well at all. "The honors scholarship." Loki cursed the involuntary nervous swallow after.

Sirena's face turned towards Fandral's who switched from an unbelievable expression to the charming one with a bright smile to Sirena again. "Yes the Honors scholarship. He has two majors, business and something with computers."

Loki corrected Fandral, "Business Management and Computer Science."

Sirena's eyes went to Loki's and a smile threatened to fully form on those lips.

Thor clapped Loki's back with a huge smile, "always learning a billion things a day."

Sirena smiled with direct eye contact, "soon you will know all of the world's secrets then?"

With a glance at the apparent wingmen, Loki tentatively smiled, "there are still over 6,000 languages I need to learn. But sure."

Those beautiful eyes widened and a huge smile overtook her face, "Perhaps you could teach me a few. I would love to learn a few songs in a different languages."

With an attempt to keep the conversation moving, "Casual listener or musician?"

"Musician. -well. Kinda.?" The one side of her face crinkled dramatically in a thoughtful expression. "I am in the Musical Therapist major." Her eyes stayed focused elsewhere.

Loki's butterflies fluttered in his chest, "Than a musician. I would think you play for others?"

Her smile hesitantly returned with her eyes back on Loki, "it is mostly just little bars and hopefully soon practice in group therapy sessions. Everyone participates to a certain degree in the sessions."

Thor spoke up and gestured to Sirena, "Mother said there were going to be music therapy groups this semester at the medical building."

Loki watched as Sirena's head tilted to the side slightly. "Who is your mother again?"

Thor smiled, "Frigga Odinson."

"Ooohh. The chairperson for the medical majors. She is the nicest person I have ever met in my life. Also most patient and best at time management- she is my academic advisor too."

Fandral teased with a small nudge, "don't you have like, a billion jobs?"

Sirena returned the nudge a little harsher, "some people learn a billion things in different ways." Her hair got a little out of place but she moved it with no care.

Fandral winked, "Well then are you still able to model?"

Sirena groaned, "you didn't."

Fandral smiled brightly.

Sirena pushed him away, "You ass! I'm going to quit."

Fandral teased, "That art class would be dull and boring without you as a subject."

Loki froze again.

There was no way he was going to be able to draw her. A quick glance down her body made the nerves leak out his hands. She had full breasts that gave ample cleavage from beneath the the long sleeved v-neck. Her waist distinguished with a slight inward curve and a small protruding belly. Her hips were wide and thighs that definitely looked soft… Loki's eyes took interest in the drinks on the counter.

Fandral's voice pulled Loki from his mind. "You agree Loki?"

Loki looked into the little circle of conversation, "what?"

Fandral smiled, "did you really think an art class would not have real models?"

Sirena crossed her arms, "Don't get so excited Fandral. The least you will ever see me in is professional, plain bra and underwear. Besides, sometimes I get draped with some sort of cloth or clothing."

"Such a pity." Fandral laughed loudly at the rough shove. "I deserved that." Fandral kept the step away to let Sif in. "I really think you have the anger of a wasp nest if you are poked wrong."

In a quick movement Sif stepped back and Sirena whacked Fandral.

Fandral yelped and flinched at the slap on his arm, "women slaps sting so much worse."

Sirena smiled cheerfully, "just a small wasp sting."

Thor hugged Loki, "that was great brother!"

Fandral shrugged, "well. It was a little rough, but through some coaching from yours truly. Loki will have a date soon enough."

Loki jumped in to halt the conversation, "no.."

Fandral continued as if Loki said nothing, "Sirena is somewhat a rare breed of women. She refuses all and any help. Even gifts. We know you are not exactly on a good foot right now with the whole, "I can get you any phone" thing. So Loki my friend she is not what you are used too."

Loki hissed, "What's that supposed to mean? That I am not her type?"

The wingmen and Sif exchanged looks.

Sif spoke for everyone, "yes."

Thor seemed to feel Loki's hidden hopes deflate, "Loki. You are completely different than who you were when we were younger. Your gifts now are… just items to appease. A woman like Sirena craves sincerity, and sentimental moments to remember."

Sif spoke up again. "She would rather have a photobook of memories than an item to dust off repeatedly. Here look..." Sif sorted through her phone, "these are of last summer. We went to a few caves. She literally jumped off a cliff."

Loki felt the life and fun pouring out of those pictures and made him yearn for an exciting experience. Loki's phone went off and it was time for him to go to bed.

Fandral urged Loki, "Stay up. Common. Loki. School has not started yet. Just drink some caffeine."

Loki glanced at his phone. He already lost all of his reading time and usually Loki would be yawning but he did not feel even slightly tired. He canceled the alarm but doubled up on a wake up alarm.

When the movie was over, some people have already left for bed, but Loki's body was alert with Sirena around.

She was so overly affectionate. She seemed to find a way to touch everyone. From shoves and highfives to rubbing arms and hugs.

She hugged him goodbye.

"You give really nice hugs," she muttered as she hugged him tighter.

Loki fell asleep easily that night.

Loki went through his things to do for the day. The plan was to get back to his dorm and sleep without enjoying a little reading time.

#brightsun-and-darkmidnight #Stubborn Independence #chapter 2 #loki

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sooghostwriter · 5 years

Text

Bodyguard

Pairings: Do Kyung Soo x OC

Genre: Mature, Fluf, Romance, Angst (But not love angst), Smut in future chapters

Warnings: Main character under trauma.

Summary: Ae Ra is a singer who has been receiving threatening messages and letters for a while now, but she didn’t give them importance. Until one day the sender decides to act and kidnaps her. It’s then when her agency decides that she needs protection, so they hired two bodyguards for her. Mister Do and Mister Park.

Chapter 4

Kyung Soo was preparing himself a cup of coffee when he saw the shape of Ae Ra dash down the stairs. His instinct made him dash behind her since it looked as if she was running away from something “Miss Ji? Are you ok?” She came to a halt almost dropping the things she was caring on her arms “I’m ok Mister Do, I’m going back to work, so don’t worry if I stay too long in my studio, the house is all yours…just don’t leave me alone” “I will not” Her bright smile pumped his bloodstream and when she turned around, walking down the stairs he had to stop himself from following her.

He was checking his email when Mister Min came to visit. Kyung Soo told him about Ae Ra locking herself in the studio and he made a happy jump “She is back! That’s great! I wonder what she is writing about, how did she look this morning?” Kyung Soo thought about it a little bit, remembering her face from this morning. When he saw her, it reminded him of the Ae Ra he saw his first day of work. Smiling naturally, rosy cheeks and bright eyes “She looked… like when I met her a month ago” “I don’t know how that looks like, but it must be a good thing” Kyung Soo gave him one nod and Mister Min smiled warmly at him “Don’t worry if she doesn’t come out in five or six hours, this is her…a process I guess, she has everything she needs down there so…I don’t know maybe you can go home and rest, I can stay with her” “No, she asked me to not leave her alone” Mister Min smiled warmly again and patted his arm before walking downstairs to great Ae Ra.

After Mister Min left, Kyung Soo started revising his notebook with notes from Ae Ra’s case. From day one. They had no clear clues. Only the attacks. He already had a theory regarding them. He shared with Ae Ra, and every day it made more sense to him. This was a person (or a group) who was crazy enough to believe Ae Ra was doing something fishy. Fishy enough that they were trying to kill her. Obviously, that wasn’t the case. So, their behavior was clearly obsessive. There was a huge void of information keeping him from finding out what was really going on. But more than why this was happening, he wanted to know who was doing this. Ae Ra had been attacked twice now, and there were no clear leads to who the perpetrators were. Kyung Soo was sure it was more than one person. They weren’t newbies. They had some kind of training, at least martial arts, that’s why the woman that attacked her at the bathroom defended herself so well from his attack. They know very well how to plan each attack. They know what she does, her routines. That’s how they got to kidnapped her. Considering how public Ae Ra’s life is, it can’t be that hard to know where she is. They still don’t know where she lives, cause no letters arrived at her house. So that meant that they weren’t following her. He always paid attention to their surroundings when they drive together, and he never saw any suspicious car. So, her house was a safe place for now. And from there he had nothing more. If their goal was to cause her stress, they got what they wanted. But he was sure they wanted more than that.

He was getting kind of bored. There were a lot of things he could do, but he didn’t feel like doing any of them. He had grown used to spend time with her and her friends. Kill time playing games, reading in the same room or going out for walks. He also missed cooking for all of them. Lunchtime was close, so he occupied himself in the kitchen. He knew Ae Ra would like homemade food after a long day of work.

He ate his lunch avoiding the thought of Ae Ra still downstairs. He did the math and she had already been locked for almost eight hours. He couldn’t stop thinking about her food situation, her sleep situation, and her weariness situation. Sometimes, if he stayed really quiet he could listen her talking to herself, although he couldn't understand what she was saying. Every hour he would turn down the radio to check on her, at least the sounds that she made.

There was complete silence, which was good, he thought. She was probably recording. He was about to turn up the volume when he heard a loud thud coming from downstairs. His body reacted in autopilot, dashing down the stairs. In his head, he tried to not think about the worst possibility, but his body was already prepared to throw itself against anyone. The door of the studio was slightly ajar which send a cold shiver down his spine. He wanted to call her name, so if anything was going on, she would know that he was there, but his voice was lost somewhere. He was truly terrified. Kyung Soo unclenched his fist and walked ahead quickly. He grabbed the doorknob and opened the door wide, stumping inside the room. His eyes moved around the studio, looking for someone hidden in the corners. He even checked the ceiling. And there was no one. His eyes started looking for Ae Ra, her seat in front of the desk was empty. But there he found the source of that sound he heard. Scattered all over the floor there where books, papers, pencils, and a PC that landed upside down forming a tent. She must have left them at the edge of the desk, and they ended up falling. He moved deeper inside the room and next to the desk, hidden, there was a tiny couch with Ae Ra resting on top of it, folded as a shrimp. He saw himself smiling tenderly in the reflection on the glass of the studio and turned around a bit embarrassed. He searched for a blanket to cover her, but there was none. Kyung Soo heard a soft sight behind him and turned to her direction. She was doing her best to find a comfortable position in that couch, but she was having a hard time “Miss Ji?” He called her. If she was tired, she needed to sleep in a better place “Miss Ji?” He called her again, moving closer to her face. She was frowning in her sleep, her lips pouting adorably. He called her again and she stirred in her sleep, turning around, giving him her back. Kyung Soo chuckled and called her name again. This time she answered, and he felt his nape burn with her answer “Kyung Soo” She called, a low whisper that sounded so clear in the soundproof room. She was still sleeping, her breathing still calm and deep. He called her name again, and she answered calling his name. Kyung Soo arranged his sweatshirt nervously, looking around the room, scratching the back of his head. He wanted to wake her up, but he was too flustered now. It was going to get awkward for sure. He felt her move on the couch again, still uncomfortable. Kyung Soo turned around and he saw in slow-motion how her body was sliding down one side on the couch about to fall. With one wide step, he was next to her, cradling her in his arms, lifting her from the couch. She didn’t wake up. She only snuggled in his arms. I guess this is the best option, he thought. He walked outside the room with Ae Ra in his arms and climbed upstairs, taking her to her room. She felt so light in his arms, still not fully recovering her normal weight. Although her face looked fuller and brighter than before. He noticed it because he was inspecting it thoroughly, taking advantage of the proximity between their faces. Her cheeks looked rounder, shinier. The skin around her eyes wasn’t dark anymore, her entire complexion looked brighter. She felt warmer too. He still remembers the day he saved her at the showers, how incredible cold she felt against him. And after that, it appeared that the coldness was still there. When she held his hands at the hill, her hands were still cold. But now a calming warmth was radiating from her. He was reaching the second floor when he felt a bit lightheaded, missing a step at the stairs. He recovered his balance immediately, but he had to be careful now. He stopped staring at her and focused on the path.

After leaving her in her room, sleeping comfortably on her bed, he walked downstairs in need of some kind of cold drink. His throat was very dry and his body a bit hot due to the effort. It was due to the effort. He kept repeating that to himself.

He was about to prepare dinner when Minseok arrived at the house. Kyung Soo opened the door and he got in carrying a heavy shoulder bag and a small suitcase. He greet him casually and dropped the bag on the floor “Where is Ae Ra?, She asked me to come whenever I was free to do her hair, she wants a cut” “She is sleeping” He answered, helping him with his bags “At this hour? Did something happen? Is she alright?” “Yeah, she woke up early and spend about eight hours in the studio, she is resting now” Minseok looked at him with his mouth wide open “She was in her studio? Composing? Yes!” Minseok fist pumped, celebrating a bit too loud, startling Kyung Soo “Sorry, it’s just, it’s been a while you know?” Minseok walked inside the house, and Kyung Soo followed him, glad that company had arrived “Since she last composed you mean?” Minseok settled in the couch and signaled him to sit with him “Yes, look, she is strong, we know that, but this kind of things can break anyone, and all this time, she kept working and going out, but I noticed how she stopped caring her notebook around, she spend less time down there in her studio, she stopped reading too” Minseok’s voice lost a bit of happiness talking about his friend’s situation. Kyung Soo noticed how his shoulders slumped as he remembered “Why do you think she did that?” “Mmm…all her songs, the ones that she had written, are based on something she saw or something she went through because she wants to remember it, so the song is like a token from that specific moment, but I doubt that she wants to remember all this” “Anything she could have written during this time could have would bring back memories” Kyung Soo ventured “Exactly, but now she is writing again, there must be something that she wants to remember, what do you think it is?” Minseok gave him a look he didn’t quite enjoy. He lifted his chin and looked him up and down, he was insinuating something, but Kyung Soo didn’t know what “I have no idea” He only hummed, his chin still lifted, a smirk pulling a corner of his lips. He wasn’t comfortable anymore, so he stood up, saying he needed to prepare dinner. He could hear Minseok’s smile behind him. Maybe he needed to talk to Chanyeol tomorrow morning. He suspected he could decode Minseok’s attitude better than him.

Ae Ra did the same the next day. She spent the morning at her studio recording. This time she stopped at lunch. She didn’t want to wake up at her bed again. It had already been too embarrassing to find out that Mister Do carried her to her room. Maybe Chanyeol wouldn’t be as low key as Kyung Soo. For sure Chanyeol would make fun of her for falling asleep at that child’s couch. And of course, he wasn’t going to carry her to her bedroom. He wasn’t that chivalrous. They shared take out and then played games on the TV. Ae Ra was fed up quite easily with Chanyeol stupidly competitive self, so she went back downstairs. She realized how she suddenly started missing Kyung Soo. She craved the days Kyung Soo was on duty. Of course, she enjoyed Chanyeol’s company. He was friendly, respectful, diligent and funny. But Chanyeol was like a night out with friends when you needed a distraction.

Kyung Soo was a cup of hot chocolate next to the fireplace when you needed a recharge. He was calm, soothing and warm. She liked those cheesy lines for the last part of the song she was working on now. She went inside the recording booth and started recording the newly added verse.

A couple of hours later she went out again. A bit dizzy by the airlessness of the room. Chanyeol was on his computer taping none stop “I feel like drinking a beer, you want one?” She asked him, just trying to be polite, she knew his answer “I can’t, I’m on duty, but a soft drink is good enough” She grabbed two cans from her fridge and pass one to him, sitting across from him at the living room “I think I had enough work for today Mister Park” “Don’t push yourself” “I’m ok, don’t worry, what are you doing?” “Answering an email Kyung Soo send me” He tipped the last word and then closed his PC. He opened his can and took a long sip. Ae Ra stared at him, wanting to say something, but not sure how. He stared back at her, lifting his eyebrows, questioning. She wasn’t sure if she needed to ask this. Or why she needed to ask this. Of course, she knew why she was asking, but it was a potentially bad idea. She didn’t know if she could trust Chanyeol in these matters either. But sometimes she was dumb. Sometimes one needs to be dumb. And she had the better excuse to be dumb. A boy. So, she rearranged herself on the couch. Cleaned her throat a couple of times and asked. Head first eyes closed. “Mister Park, I have to ask you something, but you have to promise that you are not going to tell anybody” A Cheshire like smile spread across his face. He knew what was coming “Sure” “Is Mister Do dating someone?” “No, he is not” He answered seriously “Really?” “Really” He was stern. He wasn’t surprised by her question “You like him?” She wasn’t surprised by his question either. She was expecting it “I don’t know, I mean yes, but why do I like him?” “What do you mean?” “Do I like him for what he is, or for what he means to me, for what he has done to me?” He looked at her clueless “Come on Mister Park, would I like him if I met him on the street or in a bar?” “He doesn’t go to bars” She could have guessed that “You want me to like him more?” “Sure…but Miss Ji, I honestly don’t understand, why are you confused? What difference it makes where you met him?” “Well, …you know…it does…right?” He started shaking his head. His eyes looked scared for some reason. He was taking his friend's side by supporting her feelings. Or at least it felt like that to her “I don’t think it does” He said, but Ae Ra though it did. All this time, since she came back from her vacation, realizing that she was developing feelings for Kyung Soo, she had been wondering how or why those feelings bloomed. Was she infatuated by the men she knew? Or by her bodyguard? She liked Kyung Soo, the soft paced, mature, caring and cute man. Or Mister Do, the strong, focused and brave bodyguard. Or she liked both. Or she liked Mister Do Kyung Soo, the man who was all that. Chanyeol commented something similar to her. And she couldn’t answer him. But she would have time to think about it. Now she wanted to prevent something “Look, I’m not going to ask you the obvious because he is your friend and is none of my business, but I just…I don’t know, do I have any hope?” Chanyeol’s features went soft suddenly. His smile tender towards her “He is your fan” He commented as if it was enough for her “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean much right?” “It does, he likes you if he is your fan” “He likes my stage persona” “Look, I have spent so much time with you that I already see you as a sister, and I’m not your fan…sorry” He admitted shamefully, but she rested importance to his comment “Well, I consider you a sister because you are cool and fun and easy to be around, what if he saw that too and now sees you as more than his idol? also…sorry but I don’t even know if he likes you, whenever I ask him I get injured somehow” She laughed at the image “Look, I love Kyung Soo, I have known him for years, we are always together, I know him very well, he is serious and hardworking, honest and loyal, he is very smart and when he feels comfortable enough he is hilarious, so you wouldn’t regret” Ae Ra knew all that, but hearing it from Kyung Soo’s best friend made it more real “You really want me to like him, even more, don’t you?” He nodded smiling like a mischievous child.

+++

Kyung Soo was amazed by her process. After weeks of rest, isolation and treatment he saw how Ae Ra was back to being her again. She was now ready to perform again. She was back at the agency for meetings and recordings. She was back at rehearsing with her choreographer. Her harem was back, joking at the back of the van. She had died her hair black, permed it in soft curls. She started working out too, proud of the first muscles that wear appearing in her arms and waist. She was laughing all the time. Tired and busy, going from one place to the other. But happy. Chanyeol and he had more work than before of course. The three of them and the detectives investigating her case had talked about the risks. She went back to being under the public eye. So her attackers will be back for sure. Kyung Soo studied her face carefully when he told her this. Her chin shivered when she tried to speak. He was about to ask her to wait for a bit. He knew that if he said that to her, she will follow his instructions. But she stopped him. Before he could say anything, she spoke clearly to them “It’s ok, the more they show themselves, the more possibilities we have to catch them” Kyung Soo felt horror when she said this. She was putting herself in the line. He understood her words as ‘if I dangle myself in front of them, we can catch them’. But he couldn’t keep her isolated in her house anymore. She needed to go outside and keep living her life, keep working on her passion. And he was in charge of providing security. So, he needed to do that instead. A part of him thought that she was right though. She needed to be out so they could show themselves. He hated that.

++++

Mister Min let her know one day that the agency kept getting calls from different magazines asking for interviews. They wanted to know more about her situations. There were a lot of articles going around, but none of them had quotes directly from her, so there was a lot of fantasy written on them. Ae Ra agreed to give an interview to a fashion and lifestyle magazine that she liked. They met at a coffee shop. Under Kyung Soo’s requirement, only the interviewer and a photographer could be there. And they only found out about the location through a text message he send to them. When they met Ae Ra apologized for the requirements, which he didn’t like very much. The interview went on for an hour. The interviewer was very respectful. Her questions weren’t incisive. She only wanted to clarify some rumors and get how she was feeling. After she was done, the photographer took some pictures around the homely coffee and they bid goodbye. The sun was already gone. Almost eight. They were done for the day “Could you take me to the agency first? Mister Min just texted me, I need to go and signature some things” “Sure, let’s go, is on our way” He walked her outside the coffee. Always next to her. Shielding her body from anything. They followed the same path they took from the agency to the small coffee shop. It was the main street, with very few traffic lights. It was an easy and safe ride. When they stopped at the first traffic light something felt uneasy. His gut suddenly sparked up. He looked around him discretely, careful not to alarm Ae Ra. She was seated next to him, talking over the phone with her mom. The light changed to green and he drove ahead, eyes and ears aware of their surroundings. On the rear-view mirror, he caught what was disrupting their return. A car was driving way to close to theirs. It was too dark to see who was driving or how many people, but he was sure that it wasn’t just a car. They were following them. He gave Ae Ra a signal to hung up and she did immediately, giving her mom a believable excuse “Miss Ji, I need you to do something for me, and please remain calm” “What?” She answered, looking around them, she probably caught on his alarmed tone “There is a car following us…I need you to record it with your cellphone, especially the plate, and take my phone and call the police” She unbuckled her seatbelt and climb to the back seat “They can’t see me right?” “No, we have tinted windows, did you get a clear shot?” “Yeah, but is too dark to get their faces” “Don’t worry” Ae Ra kept recording and called the police. They instruct them to go to the agency and stay there. They will meet them halfway. Kyung Soo kept driving, and the car followed close. At the third red light they encountered the car drove past them and took the right, leaving the main street. Kyung Soo released a long deep breath. His heart tight against his chest. Maybe he was being paranoid “Don’t let your guard down Mister Do, let’s keep driving to the agency” She rested her hand on his shoulder and went back to the front seat. Kyung Soo’s phone started ringing, it was the police “We are behind them” They said over the speaker “Go to the agency, we will take care of them” They followed their instructions, Kyung Soo kept driving but his eyes kept checking his rear-view mirror.

They arrived at the parking lot of the agency. And Kyung Soo’s gut kept sending him jolts of electricity. Nothing felt right about this. The place was an open space, only a couple of cars parked. He ignored all the free spaces and parked the closest he could to the entrance of the building. If he could he would have driven the car inside the building. They were too vulnerable in that position “Miss Ji, I will go out, wait for me until I reach your door so we can get inside, follow my lead at any moment ok?” He didn’t want to scare her, but he needed to know that she was going to help him taking care of her. Kyung Soo looked at her for a long second and turned around opening his door. He felt the air go still. He walked around the car, checking his surroundings. The tall buildings around them. The cars parked outside the parking lot. He focused on detecting any movement. As he was opening the Ae Ra’s door, his phone vibrated on his pocket, it was the police again “We lost them, they passed a red light, we tried to follow them and a car hit us, please be careful, stay… ” Kyung Soo didn’t hear the end of it, he grabbed Ae Ra’s arm and pulled her out of the car. As he closed the door, the glass from the driver’s side shattered. He held Ae Ra’s in his arms and threw themselves to the floor, cushioning her landing with his body “What was that?” She asked him, lifting her head from his chest “A bullet” A loud pop sounded and this time he could hear how it shattered the other glass. Ae Ra hid her face on his chest again, grabbing to his shirt. She was shivering, as he was. He closed his eyes, breathing quickly. He needed to get her to a safe place. And their only option was to get inside the agency. He grabbed Ae Ra harder and made an attempt to move but she stopped him pressing her hands against his chest “Where are you going?! Kyung Soo! Don't move, don't go, stay here with me!” “I have to take you to a safe place” She climbed higher on top of him, dropping his weight on top of him, hiding her head on his neck. Both jolted when a new gunshot was heard. This time he didn’t know where it landed “No! You could get shot! Come on, use your expertise, are they using a gun? A machine gun? What?” Kyung Soo closed his eyes in frustration. She wasn’t helping him now, they need to leave “Kyung Soo! What are they using?!” He tried to focus as Ae Ra suggest. His chest hurt due to the panic, and he felt himself drenching in sweat. His ears were buzzing making it hard to focus. But she was right. Find out what they were using could give them some time “Is a gun, the shots are too far apart, they must be saving them, I heard three shots, they should run out of bullets soon, listen to me, when I tell you to run, do it” She grabbed his shoulders, panicking “With you!” “Yes! Together, but do as I say and keep on with my pace” She nodded once, her eyes teary but serious. Kyung Soo sat down, resting his back against the car and she did the same. He took off his jacket and twisted it in a ball “I’m going to try to distract them with this, get ready to run, keep your head down, make yourself small, I will lead the way, just follow me, can you do that?” She nodded again, and despite the fear, she looked strong, full of braveness. He felt so overwhelmed suddenly. They need to find a safer place. But leaving their position was risky and the idea of her getting shot terrified him. Kyung Soo grabbed his jacket with one hand and Ae Ra’s hand with the other. He looked at her fingers grabbing on to his with confidence. She had all her hopes on him. She trusted him blindly. Kyung Soo felt a painful sting on his chest just when another bullet flew through the parking lot into their car. For a second, he thought he had been shot in the chest. Ae Ra’s grip tightened, her body shrinking. The car jolted suddenly. The bullet landed on one of the wheels, sinking the car on one side. That was their opportunity. Kyung Soo threw his jacket and a new shot was heard. This was their opportunity. He got up and Ae Ra followed him immediately. Ten steps. No more than ten wide steps were needed to get into the building. They were going to make it. Kyung Soo felt his body move in slow motion. Everything around him moved in slow motion. He took two steps and Ae Ra was following him closely. He kept walking, wide steps, his hand pulling Ae Ra with him. The glass door was so close. He could almost grab it. Two more steps and everything will be over. He saw his hand moving forward, pulling the glass door open, and as soon as he did it, another explosion. He didn’t know how close they were, but definitely close enough to aim the glass door next to them, turning it in thin dust. Ae Ra screamed, covering her face with his other arm. Kyung Soo did the same, pushing the door open with his body. The bright lights of the empty reception welcomed him warmly. But he didn’t stop running. The last bullet was so close to them that he felt more vulnerable than before. Ae Ra was still holding his hand, her grip strong, her steps steady. He looked back at her and then at the glass door behind them. He heard another shot just as the elevator doors opened. Ae Ra pulled him inside with her and pressed a random number. The doors closed with a ding and then there was silence.

The adrenaline kept her up. Fear kept her strong, otherwise, she would have faded by now. Kyung Soo’s hand burned, holding hers with a grasp that didn’t waver. She looked at his reflection on the elevator door, sweat running down his face, his eyes dark and wide. He looked angry and nervous at the same time. She wanted to talk to him. Calm him down. She turned around grabbing his shirt, calling his attention, but he kept looking ahead. The elevator doors opened, and he pulled her outside the iron box. They arrived on the sixth floor were the recording booths were located. He walked ahead, and she followed him not questioning what he was doing. He turned to the right and pushed open the closest door. They got inside the dark room and he closed the door behind them, locking it. Ae Ra looked for the light switch, finding it easily. She was familiarized with these rooms. The stillness of the room felt safe. There was no air, no sound, no open space. They were safe now. As if someone had turned on a switch on Kyung Soo, he suddenly came back to life. He turned to her, both of his hand going to her head, inspecting it. He grabbed her shoulders and maneuver her, turning her around inspecting her body “Did you get hurt? Did any piece of glass got to you?” She tried to answer but Kyung Soo kept inspecting her, making it hard for her to speak “Mister Do, I’m ok, I didn’t get hurt” “Are you sure, look at me, did you hit your head, do you feel any pain” She checked herself, just so he could be calm. But she felt no pain. She looked up at him and saw the fear still lingering on his face “Are you ok Mister Do? Did you get hurt?” She moved her hands to his shoulders, up his neck and then rest them on his cheeks, moving his head around checking for any injury, but he was clean too “Mister Do…” She whispered, not sure what she wanted to say. Or maybe she just wanted to call his name “We are safe now Mister Do” She said, and he closed his eyes. His shoulders relaxing. His chest inflated, inhaling shakenly “We are safe” He repeated, his hand moving to her sides, caressing her with his thumbs. She did the same, her hands still grabbing his face. She feared for a long moment down there. Each gunshot sent horror down her back, thinking that it would land on him. She was terrified that anything could happen to him. She wished she could have protected him. She wished she wouldn’t have put him under this danger. He didn’t deserve to have to go through this. He was too precious to get injured like that. It was so close and so palpable. The fear and the menace. But they were there. Only drenched in cold sweat and a bit sore due to the stress, but they were there alive and safe. He was there, safe and sound. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was. Kyung Soo was safe. She dragged her fingertips along his cheeks, nose and jaw. He was warm under her fingertips. He was slightly shaking, but he didn’t flinch under her touch. If anything, he was welcoming it. She reached his lips and stopped herself. Instead, she caressed his face again, from his cheekbones to his jaw. He opened his eyes slowly. And they looked serener “Mister…no…Kyung Soo, I was so scared that something could happen to you” She felt more than saw one of his hands moving to her nape, pulling her against his body. Her head landed on his shoulder, her hands went around his waist immediately. A bit shocked, a bit relieved by his touch. His other hand rested wide open on her back, pulling her closer to him. He nestled his head on the crock of her neck, cocooning her with his body. He was shaking, and she was too, but she wasn’t shaking out of fear anymore. She hugged him back, her hands holding to his back, feeling how his body relax against her. She knew what he was doing because she was doing the same. The tighter they held each other, the more real it was the fact that nothing happened to them. Both imagined the worst case, but nothing happened. She heard him sight next to her ear and he was moving again, releasing her from his hug. Kyung Soo grabbed her arms, distancing himself from her. They were face to face again, but he didn’t meet her eyes. She called his name, dropping the formalities and his glassy eyes met hers. There was so much uncertainty in them. He kept looking at the floor and then her eyes, then back to the floor and then her eyes. He wanted to say something. And for the first time he saw him struggling with something that always came so easy from him. His eyes focused on her face and stopped at her lips. Both of his hands cradled her face softly but with decision and then he moved forward. Their eyes met and she found in them resolve, softness and a spark of rebellion. The first brush from his lips was soft but she registered it so clearly. He kissed her lips again, but this time it felt more intense. She focused on answering. She needed to calm down, and give him the kiss he deserved. But it was hard not to feel about to fade. She had engrossed herself on her feelings for Kyung Soo these past days. Writing about him, looking at him, talking to him. Fantasizing and imagining. It was her secret. And now it was out. They were kissing, hugging and molding into each other. And now he knew her secret, and she knew his. He slowly moved apart from her, one of his hands move down her arm and the other remained holding her face. She was grateful he didn’t let her go. She was afraid that as soon as their skin stopped touching, it will be over. He rested his forehead against hers for a moment and then searched for her eyes. Ae Ra held his stare, admiring him for what he did. He told her in that kiss everything he hadn’t say before. And she knew it was a hard moment for him. The first kiss is the most crucial in any love story, because it contains the surrender. She was sure he wasn’t surrendering to her or what he felt, but at least he was acknowledging his feelings, showing them openly. She inhaled deeply then closed her eyes before leaning in and catch Kyung Soo’s lower lip between hers. Her hand went to his nape, holding him in place, caressing his shaved head. To her relief, he answered back. But his lips felt feverish now. The kiss was less desperate than before, but more loving now. His arms move to her waist, pulling her to his body, and it was he who deepened the kiss. And then it was a lot. Because before was the attack, and now was the kiss. There was only so much her excitable heart could handle. She felt weak suddenly. Overwhelmed, scared and happy. Her body lost some stability, leaning to one side. Kyung Soo was quick and held her by her arms, pulling her up. She focused her dizzy eyes on his face, and found a soft smile on his lips, his eyes closed in contemplation and his nose kept rubbing hers lovingly. For a moment she felt hope. Hope that this could evolve. That it was a beginning. That he, or rather both would allow this to grow. He just allowed herself to be hopeful and look forward, although deep down she knew it wasn’t going to be the case. But for now, she wanted another kiss. Another tight hug. She wanted to pass her hands over his head, down his nape, caress his flushed cheeks. Just a bit more, she needed just one more kiss. And she knew he wanted it too, because as soon as she moved back into his space, Kyung Soo followed her movement, his hands leaving hot patches on her waist. A loud banging on the door made Kyung Soo retreat, going into bodyguard mode, pushing her behind his back, walking away from the door “Ae Ra?!, Kyung Soo?! Open the door is us” Kyung Soo signaled Ae Ra to stay where she was and went to open the door, only to be engulfed by Mister Min’s hug. He looked over Kyung Soo’s shoulder and stared at Ae Ra with crying eyes. He released Kyung Soo, sort of, since his left arm was still around his shoulder, and moved towards Ae Ra, pulling her and Kyung Soo into a hug “I was upstairs and I heard the gunshots, when they ceased I went down to check what was going on, then I saw you both in the security cameras running inside the building, god I can’t believe that happened, are you both ok?” He released them and grabbed their faces, first Ae Ra and then Kyung Soo. She wasn’t surprised when he caressed her head, grabbed her cheeks and inspected her for wounds. But when he did that with Kyung Soo, with the same care and worry as with her, she realized that she wasn’t the only one who cared about Kyung Soo here “Let’s go, police is downstairs, the detectives too, we have bullets, videos, police says you have a video of the car following you two?” “Yes! I do! Where’s my phone?!” She searched on her pockets, and she found nothing “They found yours and Kyung Soo’s phones downstairs, don’t worry” Mister Min hugged them again. Sobbing against their shoulders. Ae Ra patted his back, whispering to him that they were alright. They were alright.

By the time they were done with the questioning from the police, the medical checkup and answering calls from co-workers, bosses and friends, it was past midnight. Ae Ra was exhausted and when she looked over at Kyung Soo, he looked about the same. He probably sensed her eyes on him and met her gaze. He stood up from where he was seating and walked to her side “Let’s go, I’m going to take you home” She had to close her eyes at the relief that washed over her body. Mister Min borrowed them his car and a police car was appointed to escort them. Ae Ra sat on the front seat, sure that she would fall asleep immediately. But it didn’t happen. If anything, she was wide awake now. She was alone again with Kyung Soo. He was silent too, focused on the road, his hands gripping the steering wheel with more force than necessary. His phone rang suddenly, making them both jolt in their seats. He picked up and gave short, dry answers to whoever was on the other side of the line. It was a short call, but somehow, he looked more relaxed after hanging up. Just a little bit “It was Chanyeol, he will be waiting for us at home, he thought we could need some company” You mean some buffer, Ae Ra thought, and tried not to bitterly laugh at her own comment “Since we are going to have company, I think we need to talk now” He adventured, looking at her for a split of a second “Sure, let’s talk” She wasn’t thinking on taking the lead on this, so she waited for him to talk. But he didn’t. Ae Ra didn’t know what to say either. Also, she didn’t quite know what he wanted to talk about. The shooting? The kiss? Talking about the shoot was the safe option “I signed all that paperwork, and you ended up putting yourself in danger” “I told you that there wouldn’t be bullets involved and you just saw what happened” “What do you mean?” “We can’t assure anything Miss Ji, I can promise you something, but then when reality happens, you just do what is best for you” She couldn’t argue with that “Look, I’m grateful for what you did, I really am, having you there took away the fear of getting hurt and gave me the braveness to move, but as I stopped fearing for my life, I was panicking with the idea that something could happen to you…that’s my only complaint, but…thank you Mister Do” He cleaned his throat a couple of times and said nothing “This is confusing me a bit” She broke again the silence “I know is your job to take care of me and all that, but I’m in a very vulnerable position, and I may be misunderstanding your action and my feelings” She addressed both issues in that sentence. It came out a little rush and her voice a bit shaky, but she knew Kyung Soo wasn’t going to speak, and she needed to address the kiss, at least her feelings. Not that they were too clear “I will keep my distance then” He answered, and she could almost grasp with her hands the uncertainty of his words. Ae Ra realized that they were both on the same level. Scared and unsure. And for now, it was ok. It was going to be a bit awkward, and of course, she was going to think about that kiss 24/7. Maybe write a song about it. But for now, it was better to keep some distance “Hopefully not too much” She said flirty, unable to control her mouth.

++++ “I can’t believe you are doing so well after the attack, they freaking shoot you!” Baekhyun was still mad at the world because of the incident two days ago. And he wouldn’t stop talking about it as he was doing her makeup. Of course, the shooting made it to the news. The police told her not to talk about it since it was an investigation in progress and also, they knew what the attackers were capable of. But the calls didn’t stop, so to keep everybody at ease, she was going to give a press conference saying exactly that. The conference was going to start in about thirty minutes, so everyone was a bit nervous. Minseok fixed over and over an already perfect hair and Sehun kept wondering if the blouse she was wearing was the right one. Chanyeol and Kyung Soo left the dressing room to check the place for anything out of the ordinary. As soon as Chanyeol closed the door behind him, Sehun came into her line of vision “Is true what Minseok said? That you and baldy kissed?” Ae Ra turned around on her seat, searching for Minseok’s face. He was already bowing apologetically “I’m so sorry, we went for drinks, I got drunk…you know me” She took the comb away from his hands and hit him with it. She wasn’t really surprised though. It was her mistake for telling him. As she was punishing her friend Sehun and Baekhyun were giggling like high schoolers. This was, in fact, a very high school like situation. Minseok stopped her by holding her arms down and Baekhyun pulled a chair, sitting in front of her. This was an interrogation “How was it? The kiss?” “Amazing” The three of them howled, looking at each other, their eyes small with laughter “He kissed you?” “Yes, but I followed in a heart bit” Howls again. She was far from being embarrassed now “What happened after the kiss?” “Mister Min arrived” The howls turned in to disappointed grunts “But what was going to happen?” “We were about to kiss again” Sehun was hiding his face shyly and Baekhyun and Minseok were high-fiving “I told you guys, they like each other, you guys are dating now?” “No, we didn’t really talk about it, I mean, we did, but we agree on not talk about it” They were disappointed again, and Minseok was almost accusatory when he spoke to her “Why not? You like him and is obvious, and he is worthy, not only because he takes care of you, but also because he is respectful and smart, and he likes you too! Why…not…uh…Kyung Soo” She almost got whiplash with how fast her neck jerked to see who Minseok was talking to. She knew it already. Standing at the door, stoic as ever, was Kyung Soo, checking his clock “Miss Ji, everything is set, we need to go” She jumped off of her seat, opting for the healthier thing, ignore what just happen. Baekhyun, Sehun and Minseok couldn’t hide their awkwardness. They remained silent, avoiding Kyung Soo’s eyes just moving around the room, doing nothing. Ae Ra was above awkwardness by now. The guy pretty much lived with her, probably saw her naked once, have seen her cry, hugged her and kissed her. She walked to him, and he was calm as her. Maybe he didn’t hear Minseok “How are you feeling?” He asked, walking next to her “Fine, a bit nervous, but fine” “I can’t believe you are functioning after what happened the other day” “My mind barely registered what happened, and if it did, it erased it” “How?” They stopped in front of the elevator and Kyung Soo called it for her “You kissed me, that helped a lot” Kyung Soo’s head reacted like hers some minutes ago. She didn’t look at him scared that his expression would make her laugh. The elevator opened in front of them and she walked in, but Kyung Soo stayed there. Apparently, she caught him off guard. He was probably relieved that she didn’t make any comment about the kiss that day, or after. “Mister Do, let’s go” He cleared his throat and walked in, stopping two steps away from her, turning around and giving her his back. She found it all very adorable. Sadly, it was a mirrorless elevator so she couldn’t check his expression. She had accepted the fact that it was going to be a silent ride when Kyung Soo spoke. Low and soft, almost whispering, like a secret “Your friends are not wrong, I like you too and is more than a fan, but nothing can happen now” She wasn’t expecting something different from him, but she needed some hope “So what do we do? We just keep working together avoiding the feelings we have for each other?” Kyung Soo gave her a single nod, she chuckled “Can you do that?” He nodded again “Ok, sure, let’s do that, let’s just pretend that nothing happens here, just an idol with her bodyguard, her adorable and handsome bodyguard” Kyung Soo laughed shyly, contagiously “I’m sorry” She didn’t know why he was apologizing, she didn’t think there was anything to apologize for “No, don’t worry, but…this is not settled in stone right?” This was the hope she needed “Nothing is” He answered, short and simple. “Good to know” Kyung Soo nodded again, still giving her his back. He pressed the number of their floor and the elevator started moving. Ae Ra stood next to him, as close as she could.

Notes: Nothing this time. Please if you liked it, reblog or send a little comment :)

#do kyung soo #do kyungsoo #Kyungsoo #kyungsoo fanfic #d.o fanfic #d.o #exo #exo fanfiction #exo scenario #Kyungsoo Scenario

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retrosounds · 5 years

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He’s Perfect For You, Darling (ch.2)

summary: you run into freddie mercury after a queen concert and you two become extremely close friends. he introduces you to the band and you find yourself falling for roger but are too scared to admit it because you don’t think he feels the same.

characters: Ben Hardy!Roger Taylor, Rami Malek!Freddie Mercury, Gwilym Lee!Brian May, Joe Mazzello!John Deacon

“I miss you.”

“Freddie, it’s only been a week.”

“Oh just humor me darling and say it back.”

“Of course I miss you, Freddie,” you spoke into the phone.

“Remind me, dear, when do you get out of school for the holidays?”

“2 weeks.”

“Perfect, and it is my request that you spend your entire holiday on tour with the guys and me,” Freddie said invitingly.

“Freddie, I’m going back home for the holiday,” you reminded him.

“To America?” he gasped.

“Yes, to America.”

“Well, what does America have that I don’t?” he said defensively.

“My family,” you noted. But Freddie was in a mood and wasn’t going to let you out easy on this one.

“Well if you won’t come on tour with me, then I insist on joining you in America.”

“Are you high Fred?” you laughed.

“Well of course dear.”

“Goodnight Freddie,” you chuckled into the phone before hanging up.

The friendship between you and Freddie was confusing. You truly had only hung out for less than 48 hours. That night when he introduced you to the band was the last time you saw him. You had only briefly met the other guys before Freddie had dragged you to some party to get high with him.

The following morning you had caught the long train ride back to your apartment as the group moved on to their next city.

No more band.

No more concerts.

No more Roger.

You wished Freddie had given you more time to meet with him before pulling you away. You never even managed to get a word out, you were so starstruck.

Your reaction to Roger was frightening. Nobody had ever made your body shiver the way he did just by looking at you. You remember the feeling so vividly. Your heart pounded so loud you could barely hear. You could feel your blood coursing through your veins, your body brimming with passion as his aquatic eyes hypnotized you. His cheeky smile had you wanting to scream but also completely speechless at the same time. You could feel your desire for him surging through your bones as your lips craved to be met by his and your skin longed for his touch.

Your head was spinning just thinking about him. His words were replaying in your head, over and over. “She pulls them off better than you Fred”. Was he saying that to compliment you or to tease his friend?

What did it matter anyway? It’s not like you were going to have a chance with him. He probably makes every girl feel like this. You weren’t special, not at all. Just another one of the lucky ladies who had the opportunity to be in the same room as him. That was it.

Thanks to Freddie, you didn’t even have the chance to attempt at a first impression. Fred was so easily distracted by other plans that you were out of that room faster than you had gotten into it.

The singer called you after every show to tell you how it went and to check up on you. It was sweet, really, but you weren’t quite sure what his motives were. The week that you have been apart had been longer than you were ever actually together. Yet he was oh so persistent, claiming that life was a bore without you around, which you knew was not true. The man had one of the least boring lives you could imagine, meanwhile you were a slave to your studies at a university. Often times he would go on long rambles about life, lovers, or his many eccentric stories. He could talk aimlessly all night long if you let him, and usually, you did. Your nightly phone calls with Freddie were typically the most exciting part of your day. You would frequently ask about how the guys were doing in hopes he’d mention the blonde you couldn’t take your mind off of.

Thankfully, Freddie had not yet been able to catch on to your little crush, or things would have been taken way out of hand. For now, it was your unspoken secret, foreign to the outside world.

Nobody could even tell that you were nearing the brink of insanity as the thoughts of the drummer cluttered your brain.

Nobody except for Roger.

He saw it the moment you first looked at him. It was as though your lust for him was written across your skin like a tattoo. It was undeniably there.

“Everbody misses you, darling. You must simply come join us. We have the holidays off and I will throw an absolute tantrum if you don’t spend it with us,” Freddie begged.

“How could they miss me? I met with them for less than 5 minutes.”

“Well, they talk about you all the time.”

“They do!?” you asked a little too excitedly.

“Yes! Of course, it’s me doing most of the talking, but nevertheless, they have mentioned you. You must have made an impression.”

You rolled your eyes. “Anyone makes an impression wearing your clothes, Fred.” you laughed into the phone.

“Your family has spent enough time with you, now come out here and spend the rest of your break with the guys and I. Hell, I’ll even fly you out here myself if I must.” Freddie persisted.

To be completely honest, his offer was getting harder to resist. Things weren’t going to well at home, and you wanted more than anything to go back to the UK. Besides, the idea of spending some time with Freddie and the band without the stress of school weighing on your back would be nice.

And you couldn’t even begin to fantasize what spending the holidays with Roger could look like. It was impossible to say no.

“Okay Fred, I’ll do it.”

“It’s a Christmas Miracle!” Freddie cheered into the phone. “I knew you were a keeper.”

Your holiday break was about to get so much brighter.

“Hello my dear friend,” Freddie burst with excitement as you arrived at his large London home.

“Your voice sounds much better in person.” you laughed, embracing him as he kissed your cheek.

“As does yours darling,” he spoke. “I’ve decided that you can stay in Lily’s room, it’s one of the largest after all.”

“Lily?” you questioned quietly to yourself.

“My cat, dear.” Freddie clarified.

Freddie never left the room as you unpacked, he just went on about how elated he was that you were here.

“I should throw a party to celebrate the occasion!” Freddie gasped, exciting himself over his idea.

He was too happy for you to resist, so you simply nodded your head and continued unpacking. It had always been a dream of yours to attend one of his extravagant parties anyways.

“Oh, and I obviously haven’t forgotten about the guys,” Freddie began. Your head popped up and you were immediately focused. “I’ve told them to meet with us for breakfast tea tomorrow morning.”

You couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off your face. “That sounds really nice Freddie,” you spoke behind your suitcase, attempting to hide your blush.

“I knew you would like it!” he beamed.

“See you in the morning then, Fred,” you said warmly. You were exhausted and jetlagged, desperate for sleep.

“Yes, till the morning!” Freddie sang as he slipped out the door.

You couldn’t believe your life right now. Not in the slightest.

You scanned yourself in the mirror. You could hear his voice downstairs and it made your pulse rush. You were panicking, but was it obvious? You had spent extra time on your makeup this morning, trying to cover up the fact that you were incredibly sleep deprived. You re-examined your outfit once more, wearing your clothes this time. You had hoped to settle for something that was casual enough for a breakfast tea yet classy enough to make an impression.

Finally, you exited the room. His voice was much clearer now, coming from right downstairs. It was often overlayed by Freddie laughing or John adding some sarcastic commentary, but you heard him incredibly clearly above everyone else. You could have stood up here all morning just listening to him. But you so deeply desired to see him once more. You wanted to drown in his eyes again as you felt the electricity in your bones.

You walked down the staircase slowly, taking time to admire all of Freddie’s Christmas decorations to distract yourself from the nerves you felt tightening in your stomach. Your blood was icy yet your skin felt like fire as you entered the grand living room where the boys were seated.

“And there she is, the guest of honor!” Freddie announced, standing quickly to greet you.

Roger’s eyes pierced through your skin. You could feel them everywhere at once, strangling your body, begging for you to look back at him and fall into his trance.

“I believe we met briefly,” Brian spoke, sliding over to make space for you on the couch.

You smiled at him. “Yes, I’m y/n,” you replied, reintroducing yourself.

“Oh yes, we know. Freddie mentions you in just about every sentence.” John quipped.

You chuckled, still refusing to make eye contact with Roger as you reached for the pot of tea.

“Allow me,” A voice interjected. There was no escaping it now. He was sitting right across from you, your bodies only inches apart as he leaned in to grab a cup.

“Do you take milk in your tea?” Roger asked sweetly, his bright eyes completely engulfing your mind as he looked at you.

A warm lump formed in your throat. You didn’t trust your voice anymore. Your thoughts were so scattered you knew words would come out in jumbled sentences. Instead, you just nodded.

Fuck, there it was again. That smile that had you in pieces. You squeezed your eyes shut. You shouldn’t be reacting this way. Why were you reacting this way?

“Is she always this quiet Fred?” Roger asked as he handed you the tea.

“Why don’t we let her answer,” Freddie prompted.

He was right, you needed to say something. Anything. Now was your time to make an impression. You wouldn’t let this opportunity slip, not again.

“It’s quite a long flight,” you began, “ this tea is very much needed.”

“Where are you from in America, might I ask?” John pondered.

“Right outside of Brooklyn,” you responded.

“Ah, sweet New York, I’ve loved touring there. I wish to go back someday and explore.” Roger said as if recalling a pleasant distant memory.

“I could certainly show you around sometime,” you spoke before thinking. Shit. Had you really just said that? You were going to sound desperate, or obsessed, or creepy. Oh god, what had you done? You should have stayed silent.

“That would make my travels even more wonderful,” He winked at you.

Was he flirting with you? You had not anticipated this. Your heart could not stand being teased by him the same way he teases every girl he lays eyes on. You knew it meant nothing, he’d just do it to get you all flustered. He knew how girls reacted to him. He could have anyone begging on their knees if he so insisted. You weren’t ready to be one of those girls yet. You had fallen too hard for him to be reduced to just that.

You knew the there was only one way out of it. You couldn’t be so easy. You’d have to play a little hard to get and not melt at every word he says. You knew that was easier said than done, but you weren’t about to let yourself be another one of his potential one night stands. It would be crushing to see him let you go so quickly.

“How many girls have you used that line on?” you shot back. You weren’t sure where you had gotten this confidence from, but it was boosted when Freddie burst out laughing beside you.

“I told you she was a good one Rog,” Freddie snickered.

“Finally, not a lovestruck pushover,” Brian joked, though little did he know, that’s exactly what you were. Roger could make you do anything he wanted you to. He had you exactly where he wanted you, you just couldn’t let him know that.

Roger glared at his bandmates, brewing an even stronger feeling inside you. You weren’t sure why, but seeing him mad was so incredibly attractive. This act you were playing was going to be impossibly hard to keep up.

Especially since, unbeknownst to you, Roger knew exactly how you felt for him, and how easy it would be to end your little game with him.

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Tag List (comment if you want to be added):

@stilesneedsprotection @ohhhh-honeyyyy @multifandomgirlrandomstuff @this-fangirl-nerd @queeen-freddie @benbutlikealsoroger @teribabayeva

#queen #bohemian rhapsody #queen movie #freddie mercury #brian may #roger taylor #john deacon #rami malek #ben hardy #gwilyn lee #joe mazzello #fanfic #x reader #roger taylor x reader #ben hardy x reader #freddie mercury x reader #rami malek x reader

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katie-dub · 5 years

Text

The Princess of White Chapel (12/12)

Dr Killian Jones is having a terrible day. He’s got a mission, he’s got a time machine, he’s got … drunk. What could possibly go wrong?

AO3 | Tumblr

Rated M for alcohol use, violence, minor character death, frank discussions of depression and grief.

I can’t believe we’re at the end - thank you to all of you for reading, to my betas, the ever fantastic @distant-rose and @ultraluckycatnd, and to the talented @princesse-swan for creating beautiful art for me.

Now, on with the show!

One Year Later

He was on a pirate ship, hand and hook on the ship’s wheel. The salty sea breeze felt good against his skin, soothing the heat of the hot, summer sun. Princess Emma was leaning against the railings, smiling brighter than any star in the sky and giggling as the breeze wafted her curls across her face.

Lily circled lazily overhead, on guard for attack from pirates, the Evil Queen, or the villain Rumplestiltskin. But those dark clouds on the horizon could not spoil this moment, for he was here with his love. He was at peace.

“Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones!” Despite being fast asleep just moments ago, Killian's reactions were laser fast. His arm shot out and he answered the phone as he yanked it to his ear.

“I can send you to another bloody realm you know, Scarlet,” he growled. “Don’t test me.”

“Oh really?” Belle replied. He pulled the phone away from his ear to squint at it in confusion. Will’s face pouted up at him in a ridiculous kiss face.

“Why are you using Will’s phone?”

“Forgot to put mine on charge last night.”

“You never forget to put your phone on charge.” Killian could practically hear her blush at his unspoken accusation.

“Yeah, well, we were.. Um. Busy,” she blustered.

“Well, well, well Miss French. Find yourself busy with our dear Will often? If so, I'd suggest you get your jabs. You don't know where that boy's been.”

“Killian!” Belle was equal parts indignant and embarrassed. “What we - if I - look, if you're still coming to book group, can you bring that book you told me about?”

“I wouldn't miss it for the world.”

“Really? I thought you might feel a bit uncomfortable, what with the subject matter…”

He glanced over at his copy of Atonement on his nightstand. “Lovers cruelly torn apart before their love story had truly begun? Yeah, I know that feeling.”

“Sorry.” Killian felt as though he could hear Belle's wince through the phone. “Honestly, I'll understand if it's too much.”

“It's fine, love. The counselling is helping me to cope with everything. At least this couple got their happily ever after, if only in fiction.”

He briefly wondered what he and Emma’s fictional happy ending would have been. He could practically see it, him gazing at her in adoration as they said their vows, her radiant smile as he dipped her into their first kiss as husband and wife.

He realised that he hadn't been listening to Belle at all, caught up in a love story that could never be. “... Should I stop by your place on the way?”

“Sure, you can tell me all about how Will finally tricked you into accepting that date.”

“I heard that!” Will shouted in the background.

“I meant you to!” Killian called back.

Belle sighed. “I'll see you at 7.”

“Bye. Don’t do anything I wouldn't do.” He raised his voice. “And, yes, that includes Will.” He was expecting the sudden silence that greeted his words. He may give Belle a hard time, but he really was pleased that they'd finally got their act together.

His eyes flicked to the time on his phone. 8:15am. Too late to go back to sleep, but he didn't quite feel ready to leave the comfort of his bed behind and face the world.

Instead, he pulled up Facebook and scrolled through his feed.

Cute baby.

Woah, seriously ugly baby. Bloody hell, what an unfortunate face, Killian thought to himself, swiping just a little faster away from the photo.

Robin Locksley shared a post from The Guardian:

A Crocodile in our Midst

“One year on from the appearance of the London Dragon, and the start of the Enchanted Disaster, we now know one man was behind it all. Robert Gold. Now that the scale of Gold’s influence and empire built on favours, deceit and corruption at the highest levels has been revealed, we ask; what lessons can we learn?”

He hesitated. Stared at the post long and hard. He should have known his feed would be full of stories like this today.

He couldn’t read it now. Perhaps he never would be able to. He’d been through enough in the past year, reporting to the Darling Inquiry, to the police, to the university.

He was finally in a better place. People finally knew what a monster Gold really was, had always been. He was working alongside Dr Smee at Imperial College London. He was getting out more. He was having regular sessions with Dr Hopper.

But still.

He sighed and continued to scroll.

Holiday photos.

Cute children.

Cute dog.

Cute baby.

Aurora Rosen shared a post from The Daily Mail “People are so mean!!! Leave this family alone!!!”:

‘Leave our princess in peace!’ plead Ashley and Sean Herman

Alexandra Herman stole all of our hearts as the face of the Enchanted Disaster, a beautiful little girl lost in another world. Her parents’ campaign for her safe return had a happy ending, but now that she is safely home, they beg for privacy.

Cute baby.

Holiday photos.

Ironic “wish you were here” post of a dowdy living room presumably intended to get a laugh, but coming off a little too bitter.

Ruby Lucas shared a post from OK! Magazine UK “Get it girls ;)”:

A Royal Romance for Rapunzel

“Singer Rapunzel and Princess Elsa open up for the first time about how their shared ordeal kidnapped by Gold led to them finding love.”

So many people had been brought together by the strange happenings in town, and what did he have to show for it? Two pictures on his wall. Emma’s sketch of a swan and the recent painting he’d done of a swan on the Thames that had made him smile. The first painting he’d done since she’d left that he actually thought worthy of hanging on the wall. Yes, it was lovely to feel that Emma had helped him to rediscover his love of painting, which gave him a link to both of his lost loves, but still... A painting couldn't ask about his day, couldn’t hold him at night, couldn’t borrow his phone when it forgot to charge its own phone because of their more enjoyable activities.

God he never thought he’d be jealous of Will bloody Scarlett.

Killian sighed and put his phone to one side. It was no good. Everything was making him think of Emma. It was still several hours until he had to be at their spot, he needed a better distraction than social media.

He’d been putting off deep cleaning his fridge. No time like the present.

***

He was at their spot and the sun was shining. It wasn’t the harsh, oppressive and overwhelming heat of the previous year, but instead a gorgeous sunny day.

He should have been grateful that on his and Emma’s day, the weather was glorious, but he felt angry. There should be storms raging, torrential rain, unnatural, unseasonable fog. Something, anything to show that the world understood what he had lost.

This resentment wasn’t a new feeling to him. He’d spent years biting his tongue at the way his friends prodded him about his love life or how an acquaintance would casually refer to the loss of Milah or at the sight of Gold. His short time with Emma and the healing that he’d done in the past year had helped him to not feel overwhelmed by it. On a normal day.

But today, it was all too much.

Twice he had loved wholly, honestly and truly; and twice that love and joy had been ripped from him.

He could see how much more to life there was than just romantic love now. His therapy had helped him to appreciate the richness and beauty in all aspects of his life. But he was a passionate man and he longed to share his heart with another. The absence of that love left an emptiness inside him that caused a deep ache if he dwelt on it for long, because whoever heard of lightning striking thrice?

The beautiful day made him feel like the world was taunting him. It was just so unfair. Where was the sense in anything that had happened? As he seethed, questions whirled through his mind, he could feel his wrath taking over. His muscles tensed, he clenched his teeth, his chest felt tight as the tempest grew.

No.

Not today.

He needed to reclaim today as a celebration of his short time with Emma. He couldn’t let his fury win.

He stared at the water and tried to remember the mindfulness exercises that Dr Hopper had taught him to help him to cope. Eyes unfocused. Deep breaths. Feel the bench beneath him. Listen to the sounds around him. Notice how he felt. Don’t try to change it. Accept it. Sit with his feelings.

He caught a glimpse of golden hair.

“Swan?”

The woman spun, he knew it wouldn’t be her. He’d done this so many times before. Especially in the beginning. She had magic. She was from an entire realm full of magic. She could find a way. She would… He’d always been disappointed.

“Yes?” Green eyes looked back at him. She had soft cheeks, a dimpled chin, she was perfect. She couldn’t possibly be real. Then she frowned at him. “Do I know you? Because you said my name and now you’re doing some kind of creepy stalker thing and I’m really not into that.”

“Are you Emma Swan?”

She held up her hands and stepped back from him. “Listen, buddy -”

Killian shook his head. “I’m sorry, I’m being so weird. Um, you know the Enchanted Disaster that happened?”

“Yeah! Is it bad if I say that I thought it was cool as fuck? I may have snuck a niffler home. Kind of regretted that when the little fucker tore my purse to shreds looking for treasure.”

“OK, well, I met another you, from the Enchanted Forest.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“But I didn’t end up the other realm?”

“Not everyone switched places. Some people stumbled through portals. She was the first. Faced off against the London Dragon?”

“Oh god, I remember that! People kept asking where I’d learned how to do magic, didn’t like it when I said Hogwarts. But if you’re going to ask a dumb question...”

Killian laughed and nodded. This was so weird. She was Emma, but not Emma. She had the same dry sense of humour, but with the addition of pop culture references. He realised that he’d waited too long to say more, still overawed. “The dragon was actually friends with Emma,” he said, desperate for the conversation to continue.

Emma frowned at him and shook her head incredulously. “Oh come on! Now I know you’re making this up.”

“No really! I didn’t much like her, kind of a bitch and a major fire hazard. Honestly, I don’t miss having her in my flat.”

“You had Maleficent in your apartment?”

“I believe she’s Lily’s mother actually.”

Emma smirked at him. “Bullshit.” He just raised his eyebrows and cocked his head, trying to give off a “you keep telling yourself that” vibe as he grinned. “If I believe you then I have to accept that the street art I keep seeing of her looking like some kind of badass female Saint George is all anti-dragon propaganda. You have to let me have that vision, people buy me drinks because they think I’m her, I’ve gotten laid because of it.”

He laughed. “Far be it from me to cramp your style, Emma may not have actually slain the dragon, but she was definitely a badass. Have you seen the one of her looking like Wonder Woman with the lightsaber?”

“In the parking lot on Brick Lane? I love that one!”

“She loved it too. Of course, she didn’t actually know what a lightsaber was.” He laughed at the memory.

“Tell me you fixed that immediately or I’m not sure we can be friends.”

He laughed. “As if I would deny anyone a proper Star Wars education.” Emma nodded her approval. “Hey would you like to get a coffee?” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

Emma shook her head and his face fell. “Sorry, er, what did you say your name was?”

“Killian,” he said, trying not to feel too sad. He studied his feet, wondering if the ground could just open up and swallow him. Of course she wouldn’t want to get coffee, this was so strange and he’d approached her in the weirdest possible way.

“Maybe we could get a hot chocolate instead?” He looked up at her in surprise. She shrugged. “I don’t drink coffee,” she said apologetically. “Is that ok?”

“Yeah.” He was dazed, stunned into stupidity by this new Emma Swan.

“Come on, I want to hear all about how awesome I am.” She winked at him. And for the first time since Princess Emma had stepped through that portal he felt that powerful feeling surging through him and lighting him up inside. For the first time since she left, Killian had hope.

#csbb #cs ff #captain swan #ouat ff #katie dub writes #tpowc

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janiedean · 6 years

Note

(1) Can I just say I hate all this Freddie Mercury biopic wank with a passion? Like, this hellsite went from "Queen is one of those boring 'classic' bands all whites are obsessed with bc they won't even consider new music by diverse artists u.u" to "WWRY is clearly a song about rebellious queer youth, cishets don't touch Queen u.u" after someone pointed out Freddie's ethnicity and sexuality, to "why aren't they making Freddie gay in the biopic!!!11" and... whatever they're whining about now.

(2) And I HATE looking at all this bs and thinking "fake fans", bc I'm pretty damn sure that by most standards, *I* count as a "fake fan", too. I mean, most stuff I know about the band's history is actually stuff about Freddie, thanks to a few documentaries centered around him and my mom, the long-time fan with a big crush on Freddie who introduced me to Queen when I was a kid. Hell, I couldn't even name all their albums or anything needed to be considered a "true fan". But ppl on here... ugh. (3) It's like they're really embarrassed bc they were called out on mistaking "woke" stuff for "unwoke" stuff, and now they have this desperate need to prove their ability to discern wokeness by getting offended about something they don't even care all that much about, as loudly and dramatically as they can.

HAHAHAHAHA.

okay so, tldr: I hate this discourse and I honestly hope that it dies within two weeks out of the biopic for a whole lot of reasons amongst which the ones you said, but like, this discourse actually highlights a shitload of issues with the usual tumblr discourse which I will gladly go into now because I’m fucking tired and this movie isn’t out yet.

now, premise: while I don’t think that true fans are a thing - at most there’s casual fans or in-depth fans but I mean, a fan is a fan so I don’t believe in the *fake* fans thing..... the problem here isn’t that they’re fakes. it’s that they aren’t fans. period.

other premise: from what you’ve said you’re a casual fan which is normal and you DON’T count as fake I mean if you like them and listen to them and know something it’s basically being a casual fan same as I am with idk the rolling stones, I like the famous stuff, I have the fundamental records and I like them when they’re on but that’s it.

but, yours truly is a Not Casual Queen Fan in the sense that a) I got into them when I was seventeen and I’m thirty now so thanks it’s been a while, b) I own all the records, c) I own a decent portion of roger taylor’s/brian may’s solo records (and I have listened to all of them that I couldn’t buy), d) I went to see them live once (k it was with paul rodgers but nvm guys not my fault if I wasn’t born in time for freddie) and I love queen’s music and I’m also fucking cishet and you know what? these people Are Not Fans and they should stop pretending they are and just stop making themselves look like assholes.

SPECIFICALLY:

the movie’s not out yet and I’ve had to see FIFTEEN ‘FRIENDLY REMINDER TO ALL CISHETS THAT FREDDIE MERCURY WAS GAY (at least a couple said he was bi and they were less asshole-ish) AND POC AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW YOU’D BETTER LEARN NOW HAHAHAHA YOU THOUGHT HE WASN’T. spoilers: every fucking casual queen fan who has bothered to buy three records knows that. yes, also the cishets. like, as someone who went from VERY CASUAL (ie: I know three songs) to NOT CASUAL in the span of two months I can 100% assure you that before getting into queen the usual preconceptions are that freddie was gay and that queen = freddie + three other people. the first three things you learn when getting into queen are (more or less in order but it can change) that a) the band was actually brian may + roger taylor first, b) that roger brought freddie in because they knew each other already, c) that mary austin was a fundamental person in freddie’s life and that she was also brian may’s ex and knew him first before they got together, d) the members’s backstories including where freddie was born, so like...... this idea that CASUAL CISHET FANS wouldn’t know that freddie was a) not heterosexual, b) poc is just something a NON-FAN would say because guess what, most queen fans even at a casual level are 100% aware that freddie was a) not heterosexual, b) not ethnical british. and saying that OMG CISHETS DON’T KNOW it’s ridiculous because guess what, everyone knows and if they have no idea they do, though luck, we did;

(spoilers: I also am 99% sure that those ppl have no idea that roger and brian actually sing on the records and composed a shitload of the music and queen =/= ONLY FREDDIE but okay)

they have no idea that rock music in the 70s/80s was not so heteronormative and was not the cishetmalething they think it is. like, please look at led zeppelin (ie THE PEOPLE WITHOUT WHOM YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HEAVY METAL) and tell me they were heteronormative. like, you saw robert plant? yeah, me too. and the thing was that queen were revolutionary in the sense that they brought an operatic/theatrical approach to the music that no one tried before but guess what, the point is that they made it sell. the thing that I would like tumblr Woke People to grasp is that what made queen groundbreaking as far as Wokeness goes is that they managed to sell and become the monster-moneymaking group they were (while keeping things quality) with a frontman who was Not Heterosexual, Did Not Try To Pass For Heterosexual One Day In His Life and Never Shied Away From It. like, idk if people are aware that while the scene was way less heteronormative than they think it still wasn’t the most openly talked about topic around (I mean guys elton john did marry a woman at some point X°DDD), but going around in the seventies flaunting your non-heterosexualness around and selling millions of copies making your stage persona a selling point of your music wasn’t exactly common. like ffs one of the most famous queen songs has a video where for 3/4 of the time they’re in drag and the other part has freddie performing with the royal ballet (and guess what the song was actually written by john deacon and the idea of doing the video in drag was roger taylor’s and none of them as far as we know is Not Heterosexual, but never mind giving the rest of the band some credit when it came to Not Caring About Heteronormativity) and fine, that video was banned/controversial, but it still was a huge british hit and it’s in the top five queen songs Everyone Knows. and tbh I’m terrified of that video being shown in the biopic (which it should since the works was from ‘84 and they stop at ‘85) because I’m 100% sure that those people have no idea it exists and when they find out how long is it gonna take them to decide that IT’S PROBLEMATIC? I mean, Woke Kids on here think the rhps is problematic, I’m shuddering at the thought of what they’d think of the i want to break free video;

actually a lot of us cishet queen fans might have had a wake up call including, er, finding out certain preferences, thanks to either their music or their shows or their videos (*cough* I 100% assure you that watching roger taylor in drag was what made me realize crossdressing was my thing for good like I knew before but I didn’t actually put two and two together until I saw that video and went like ‘............. AH WELL SHIT THEN THAT’S IT FAIR ENOUGH’), and a lot of us cishet queen fans who weren’t, like, strictly playing to heteronormative rules back in the day found a lot to relate to in their music even without being queer ourselves and guess what I’ve never met a single queen *fan* who could give less of a damn about freddie’s ethnicity or orientation (as in: everyone was a-okay with it) regardless of their background. that was what made them groundbreaking and extremely important as well, because they managed to be that kind of record-selling records-breaking band while not shying away from having a Not Heterosexual frontman AND Not Heteronormative Heterosexual Band Members Who Also Didn’t Give Two Fucks About Their Lead Singer’s Sexuality so going like OMG NOW WE’RE GONNA TEACH YOU THAT FREDDIE WASN’T HETEROSEXUAL BECAUSE WE’RE WOKE is ridiculous because dearest susan, we already knew and we already were woke about that and to us he was the frontman of a band we liked for a bunch of reasons;

also I don’t think people realize that freddie was a role model/example for the entire next generation of rock bands frontmen even in genres that had zilch to do with him - I mean guys AXL ROSE had a hero-worship for freddie and sang bohemian rhapsody at the freddie memorial concert WITH ELTON JOHN and grn really aren’t the same exact sphere as queen jsyk, but if you look at axl on stage esp. when he was younger? guys. it’s obvious. like you can see the influence. but lmao, now ALL the very cishet(-ish) singers who OPENLY SAID FREDDIE INFLUENCED THEM DIDN’T KNOW ACCORDING TO TUMBLR DOT COM?

LIKE, fuck’s sake, one of freddie’s major accomplishments in that sense was to ending up being a role model for younger singers in a genre where heteronormativity is way less common than everyone thinks BUT where not many people esp. back in the day would be open about their sexuality because it still was a taboo-ish thing -- like, gender roles were a lot more blurred but you wouldn’t hear many of those people admitting openly they were bi or gay or Not Heterosexual and the entirety of the rock scene especially mainstream but also not was entirely fucking aware of it, do these people think THE FANS wouldn’t?

also, we will rock you was WRITTEN BY BRIAN MAY AND IT WAS ABOUT A FUCKING ENCORE WHERE THE FANS SURPRISED THEM AT ONE SHOW IN LIKE MID-SEVENTIES which already shows that They Know Nothing because if they think freddie wrote all the queen songs then it’s already obvious they have no fucking clue about how queen worked as a band because all the members contributed something (guys john deacon wrote at least two of their major hits, roger taylor sang on all the records along with brian may and if you hear the back harmonies on ‘39 he goes way higher than freddie and a part in seaside rendezvous has both him and freddie mimicking other instruments with their voice and you wouldn’t know if no one told you first, brian may wrote a SHITLOAD of music for queen and it was an all-four effort, not just freddie + three other generic british dudes for fuck’s sake) so like, anyone saying that is already giving ample proof that they have no idea;

now of course you can interpret it as whatever the hell you want, but assuming that all of queen’s music that might relate to queer issues was written by freddie ABOUT QUEER ISSUES (this when freddie’s main topic of interest was... not really discussing his sexuality especially in the seventies like again, I want to break free is one of the queen to-go songs everyone brings up when it comes to that topic and IT WAS WRITTEN BY SOMEONE ELSE and the video concept was THANKS TO SOMEONE ELSE) just shows that a) you don’t know shit about the band’s history, b) you’re not a fan because you didn’t even bother to look it up on wiki, c) you’re trying to look woke at all costs;

they have NO FUCKING CLUE that most people in the 70s/80s/90s in the business were NOT politically correct according to their standards LIKE LITERALLY NO ONE WAS;

goes unsaid they probably haven’t listened to one full queen album from beginning to end not even the greatest hits.

tldr: I hate that they don’t seem to realize that things existed before 2005 and that music in the 70s/80s COULD and WAS diverse and *woke* already before they were even born, I hate that they decided that ALL CISHETS DIDN’T KNOW when thank you I think even my damned parents know and they don’t listen to rock music, I hate that they decided that queen APPARENTLY DIDN’T HAVE A FANBASE BEFORE THEM (lol) or that that fanbase didn’t understand them (triple-lol), I hate that they’re reducing freddie to his sexuality when he didn’t want that in the first place, I hate that they’re falling into THE MAIN MISCONCEPTION AROUND ABOUT THIS BAND as in THAT IT WAS FREDDIE + THREE OTHER PEOPLE and not an all-around group effort of people who were friends and deeply loved/respected each other and put the same share of work into it, I hate that they moment they see the movie and are introduced to the actual music/the actual story they’ll MOST LIKELY find problematic things to wank about because like hell they wouldn’t and I hate that they’re basically pretending to give a fuck about a band that I love and have loved dearly in a very non-casual way when they actually fucking don’t.

fucking hell please never let anyone make a biopic about either springsteen or led zeppelin or other people I actually like because this is bad enough, I don’t even want to think of what tumblr ppl would say if they knew anything about any rock artist of medium-large fame back in the day. peace.

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #queen for ts #let's see how fast wank arrives #I HOPE IT DOESN'T #god i hate this discourse BURN IT #lgbt for ts #haljathefangirlcat #ask post

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little-chimchim · 6 years

Text

Cruel Lips (F)

Copy of ask: Hi, I was wondering if I could request for a Monsta X Kihyun fic where y/n & mx normally chat on skype (y/n's their teacher through skype - maybe english or something) and y/n & kihyun always seem to almost hate each other and make fun of each other but kihyun gets jealous when y/n has a date after one of their session? It's upto you to decide whether or not he confesses and whether or not y/n feels the same. I don't know if I can request a genre but I'm okay with both angst or fluff. Thank you!

Rating: PG

Word Count: 1849

Genre: Fluff!

Pairing: Kihyun x Reader

A/N: Thank you so much for this request. I’m sorry it took so long to write! I’m also sorry that I couldn’t incorporate the teacher side of it, so I tried to improvise a bit. I hope you still enjoy! Also, Happy Holidays! Love you all! - Kay

“Y/N is calling!” Changkyun screamed through the dorm. The loud padding of multiple pairs of feet could be heard throughout the larger apartment. One by one, each member came into the living room from their perspective areas in the dorm.

Hyungwon bent down near Changkyun’s head, seeing as your picture popped up on the small computer screen. The other members of the group soon joined, just to be able to talk to you through facetime.

“Hi guys!” You cheered once the video feed came through. Your brother sat front and center, smiling happily just to see you. You would call the group a few times a week, or you tried to at least. Sometimes they would get too busy to talk, thanks to all of the work they did for the company.

Changkyun grinned and waved. “How’s LA today?” He asked you. You looked around your empty dorm room and shrugged. “It’s warm and busy. Exams are coming up in a few weeks and after that, I’ll be home for the summer.” You told your older brother.

You were studying abroad for a year at a university in the US, much to your family’s approval. You had lived in quite a few countries in your life alongside your brother, so traveling abroad only felt natural.

Despite school and live thousands of miles away, you still called often to check on your brother and his bandmates, making sure that they were staying healthy and sane. Well, maybe not sane, but you made sure they were eating well and sleeping as much as possible.

“What’s on the schedule for today?” You asked the boys. You watched as your brother turned to the older members, looking for an answer to your question. Hyunwoo smiled but shook his head, “We have dance practice in a few hours and that should take up most of our day.” He said to you quietly.

You nodded your head and looked at all the members. One was missing. Your scrunched up your nose and recounted. There were only six of them. “Where’s Kihyun?” You asked them all.

Minhyuk looked around, wide eyed, as he searched for Kihyun. When he wasn’t found, Minhyuk turned back to you and shrugged. “Not here...but do you think it’d be a good idea if he was?” Minhyuk poked.

Changkyun nodded and sighed, “Everytime you two talk, you end up yelling at each other.” He reminded you. You thought back to your most recent calls with the boys. A few days ago, you had ended the call by calling Kihyun a ‘Pompous Asshole.’ The one before that, he had called you a ‘Whiny Brat’ because you were complaining about one of your professors.

To say the least, you didn’t have the best relationship with Yoo Kihyun. You never knew why. You were fairly close to the rest of the members, they liked you and acted as if you weren’t just Changkyun’s little sister, but their own as well. Kihyun on the other hand had always hated you. You could only remember a few select times where you had a decent conversation with the singer and it never ended in a fight.

You thought your relationship with him was starting to get better at some point. He was kinder and seemed truly happy when you were around. Though, that was before you announced that you would be leaving for America in the next coming weeks.

It had gotten worse after that. He was snide and mean in all of his actions towards you. Now you couldn’t see him without a fight breaking out.

“It’s not my fault that he can’t keep his stupid mouth shut whenever we talk,” You grumbled into the computer.

“And it’s not my fault that you’re always acting like a brat.” You heard Kihyun’s voice say from behind the rest of the boys. He walked up slowly as he entered the room. He crossed his arms and stared at the screen, a small frown on his face.

You furrowed your brows, you were in no mood to deal with his antics today. You ran your hand through your hair and picked up your phone to check the time. “I have class soon and then I have a date.” You said casually as you told them about your upcoming day.

Changkyun’s eyes widened, his mouth slightly ajar. “You have a date? With who? How old is he? What major is he studying.” He asked frantically. He was becoming very protective over this matter.

You rolled your eyes and rested your head on your hand. “His name Choi Hansol. He’s nineteen, like me, and he’s studying music theory.” You listed off all the details about your date, making sure your brother knew everything but his social security number and his mother’s maiden name.

The other members cooed and started a whole fuss about it. “Is he cute?” Hoseok poked at you. He winked one of his brown eyes flirtingly. You buried your face in your hands now. “Sure,” was all that came out, a slight blush crept along your cheeks.

You heard Kihyun scoff out. He turned his head and began walking away. “I bet he’s as ditzy and annoying as you are.” Kihyun said before leaving fully.

You sighed and looked to the other members, visibly hurt. Usually his words never bothered you, but they’ve been slowly getting to you over the past few weeks. Changkyun bowed his head and smiled apologetically. “I’ll talk to him after this, don’t worry.” He said, he brought his head back up and flashed you a toothy grin. “Have fun on your date, we’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye Y/N, love you.” Your brother said before hanging up.

You leaned back in your revolving desk chair, and moved it so you were facing the beds. Your roommate’s bed sheets began shuffling around as he slowly made his way out from under the bed. “You think I’m cute?” He smirked.

You rolled your eyes and reached over to your bed and grabbed a pillow. You chucked it at Hansol playfully. “Not even a little bit,” You retorted back as he threw the pillow back at you. You laughed and caught the pillow. “I can’t believe you were into that Kihyun guy, he sounds like an ass.” Hansol murmured to you, flashing one of his bright, signature smiles.

You shook your head, “I don’t know why I still am, do you think we made him jealous?” You asked your best friend and roommate. Hansol nodded and smirked, “If he is in any way interested in you, he’ll be jealous.” He said smugly.

You took a deep breath and crossed your arms. You sure hoped so.

Changkyun pulled Kihyun aside after he hung up on you. “At first, I let how you talked to my sister slide. You said you liked her and I know how bad you are at expressing your feelings. I figured that you would eventually straighten yourself out and tell her. This has gone too far, Kihyun. I can’t let you keep on talking to my sister like that.” Changkyun said firmly, getting straight to the point.

Kihyun sucked in a deep breath and nodded. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what washes over me when I see her. I just get bitter that she’s not here and that she’ll never return my feelings, especially now that she’s going on a date with that idiot.”

Changkyun shook his head and looked to his hyung. “Tell her that instead of harassing her.” He said, annoyed with him. Changkyun sighed and walked away, leaving Kihyun alone to think about what he said. He had to say something…

He called you about an hour after that, his hands were shaking and his heart was racing. He had repressed his feelings for you for so long. He wanted to welcome them at first, you were so kind and funny and the prettiest girl he had ever seen. But when he realized what his feelings for you could do for his career and relationship with Changkyun, he bottled them up.

Though, he was being quite dramatic in that aspect. These repressed feelings caused him to become bitter towards you, hoping that if he acted like he hated you, then he would actually start to.

Though, it never worked out.

He dialed your number and hoped to whatever was in the sky that you would pick up. By the fourth ring, you answered the phone with slight annoyance. “What do you want, Kihyun?” You groaned into the phone.

“Y/N, we need to talk.” He said calmly. Though his nerves were throw the roof. You were still in your dorm room, doing homework with Hansol. “What do you want to talk about?” You hoped your tone didn’t come off too aggressive.

He took a deep breath to ready himself. “I’m ripping the bandaid off...I have feelings for you. I have for a long time. I’m sorry about how I treat you, you really don’t deserve that. You’re not a brat and you’re not a heartless bitch. You are the nicest, funniest, and most beautiful girl I have ever met. I just needed to call and get that off my chest, so uh, talk to you later.” He said the last part hurriedly, like he was trying to get off the phone as fast as possible.

“Kihyun,” You said quietly. You glanced over to Hansol, who was listening intently. “It worked,” You mouthed to him. He nodded and smiled excitedly. “Do you want me to cancel my date tonight?” You asked him.

Kihyun hadn’t expected this reaction from you. He didn’t know what to say. “I-uh, maybe? Yes.” He fumbled around with his words until he formed a functional answer. You smiled and nodded your head. “I like you too by the way. You’re also not a pompous asshole who cares only about himself.” You murmured the last part, but Kihyun heard it loud and clear. He was too happy about the confession to care though.

“I also promise not to be mean to you or insult you. I’ll be the nicest man you know.” You laughed and shook your head. “Sure, I’ll only cancel my date on one condition, Yoo Kihyun.” You said to him.

“And what is your condition?” He asked.

“If I cancel my date, you have to take me on one the day I get home.” You heard Kihyun sigh out in relief. “I can do that. In fact, I’ll start planning it now. I need to make up for how I’ve been treating you.” He said.

He looked to the time and frowned. “I’ll talk to you later, we need to get to the studio.” You nodded your head, but before he hung up, he told you one last thing. “Hey Y/N, I like you a lot. Have a good day.” He said before hanging up.

You sat back in the chair, smiling like an idiot. It was amazing to hear those words spill from his cruel lips.

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setoangel01-fanfiction · 7 years

Text

Disclosure - Part 1

Set Me Free - Chapter 12 (Previous Chapters)

Fandom: Sing 2016

Pairing: Johnny x Ash (Jash)

Rated: T

Chapter Summary: Ash learns more about Johnny and the life she could have never fathomed he lived…

Fanfiction.net

A03

"...W-What do you mean that you lost any chance to speak to your dad again?" Ash knew she shouldn't have asked something of the sort but the words came out anyway.

It felt so unbearably personal and she was well aware that she hadn't given any thought to his life outside of the few interactions they had. Didn't even bother to know him more than the soulful, kind competitor, and good acquaintance (…friend?) he had been to her thus far. It felt so strange to now be asking him a part of his life that he'd hidden behind joyful smiles and gently spoken words for God knows how long. A part of himself he obviously hid for a good reason and it was only the desperation to get Moon to speak that he'd probably said it at all. Johnny spoke out about a part of his life he wanted no one to know about but he did so believing it would help Moon get back on his feet and agree to continue the competition the group had grown to rely on…sadly, to no avail.

Now, here he sat and she stood on this road neither of them belonged. Surrounded by opulent mansions, tall and astounding; worth more money than they could ever imagine making in a lifetime. Pondering a life both had envisioned for themselves now scattered to an unforgiving wind. Forced to live with their past decisions and accept a future neither expected they'd be forced to live with…Two people who didn't know each other existed a mere month ago…

It was all just so strange.

After a long silence, Ash felt tempted to retract her statement; brush it off like she was known to do. Say something poignantly laughable and ironic to break the mood but it didn't seem like the time nor the place…and that devastated look plaguing Johnny's normally cheerful demeanor was becoming rather difficult to ignore.

Nevertheless, Ash's mouth opened; ready to speak something, anything to get him to talk about a topic other than his problems…but something stopped her.

Ash wanted to know.

Sure, it felt useless to begin learning more about this soulful singer, this guy who'd been kinder to her than she frankly deserved. No amount of speaking now would change the fact whatever this was…was now over. Yet, she still felt as if she deserved some kind of clarification as to what he meant when he spoke out loud for all to hear, so he should have expected at least someone to question it. That someone just happened to be her.

It felt somewhat warranted to at least get some answers - or even just fill the deafening silence ringing in her ears.

Another, brasher side of her was tempted to simply brush off his somber mood and tell him to get over it and drive her home…but that didn't sound good either. Time was all she had now and Ash strongly doubted going home to a lonely apartment was better than this...at least here - she wasn't alone.

With that thought of accepting whatever fate was brought on by all of this shifting sands of circumstance - Ash plopped down on the curb next to him; skirt flitting about with the wind of shifting gravity before puddling on the gray cement. The ground pleasantly cool against her leggings, Ash found Johnny's silence rather fitting now. Allowing the sounds of wind and nature calming as her icy blue eyes flitted lethargically around the area as she awaited for Johnny to answer her question…or not. The silence here was better than what lay waiting back at home for her.

Yet it didn't take long for the silence to become almost deafening. It really hit hard that all the others were indeed gone; leaving without a single word (Meena's sad wail not counting) and Ash felt a sharp twinge of pain accompanying that thought. Doubt she'd never see them again weighed more heavily on her heart than she cared to admit.

Hated to accept the fact she would…kinda miss it all.

Heading to the Moon Theater those few times, hearing Buster doing morning announcements and the sound of his small feet frantically running back and forth. Miss Crawly's tail dragging slowly and gentle voice asking her if she wanted a muffin as she presented her a plate full of various kinds. Meena's awkward wave and quietly muttered words muffled behind her huge ears. Rosita's gentle, motherly demeanor and encouraging words (not to mention Gunter's interesting insults aimed at her slimy ex) that saved her a lot of heartache that morning after Lance cheated on her.

…and Johnny…

Ash's body tensed a bit as she looked over at said gorilla; his profile hadn't changed as he continually lost himself inside his head. A blank stare remaining stagnant on his face as her own mind flitted about with every instance she had with him thus far. From the briefest recollection of exchanging glances with him as he sat on the stairs reading the paper to when he moved in front of her to block her (effectively protecting her by putting himself at risk) when the Moon Theater fell in a heap of dust and rubble…

It only hit now that whatever this was…was truly over.

Buster refusing to answer them, to accept their offers of forgiveness and a chance to move beyond all this, but he didn't listen. A career, a life she hoped for, was now dashed like dust into the wind and a part of her wondered why she even bothered to ask Johnny such a personal question - especially now of all times. Questioning why the hell she was trying to learn more about Johnny when it would end up being in vain - after today, she would never see him again. Only sink herself deeper into this hole she'd dug for herself. Allowing this guy to have credence over some part of her life and mind; essentially letting him in and learning more about him would only make forgetting him (and the rest of the group) harder as time went on.

Yet, since the others left, Buster was in no mood to face them, and she really didn't care to head back to sulk in her empty apartment, Ash thought she'd take her chances. Resolute in the decision to leave her statement in the air, Ash glanced over to Johnny and she didn't like what she saw. The question still remaining up in the air for more than five minutes, Johnny's face suddenly tensed up; an expression that didn't happen often on his face. He was either wearing a look of nervousness, shock, or that casual, kind smile...

This look simply didn't fit.

Johnny seemed…broken somehow; like a part of that loving and caring personality was partially snuffed out - perhaps never to be regained. It bothered her more than she cared to admit. He'd been partially an enigma to her, one she would prefer to leave at an arm's length but it didn't seem to be working out that way. Circumstance and speculation, perhaps even fate seemed to be changing the tides of whatever was happening between them. Pushing them together and forcing her to learn more, to get to know him more by simple association and time spent in his calming presence.

Ash was starting to not fight it anymore even if she kept her walls up.

Terrified of these strange feelings welling up inside of her ever since she met him. An inkling of curiosity transforming into something she dared not ponder. Kindness he bestowed on her when she received precious little in her life. Ash felt herself drawn to his positivity; to rely on his never ending optimism even if it was something that drove her to the brink of insanity. Ash learned to never rely on anything for it will eventually let her down but it was so damn hard not to just cling to Johnny's gentle, kind words and ever-present smile…

Eventually, a resolute sigh left Johnny's mouth; large hands folding and unfolding in his lap as he continually stared at the cement between his feet.

Ash, surprised at the sudden movement, glanced down. Gazing at his hands and inwardly marveled at just how large they were, the look of his gray skin and recalling the few times she took his hand and felt the texture of his smooth, thick skin underneath her paw. Just how different it felt and looked than fur…before catching herself and looking away to her own lap. That was much less interesting and kept her mind on track.

After today, she would never see Johnny again so why the hell as she ogling his hands for fuck's sake?! Just what the hell had gotten into her!?

Taking a few scattered seconds to calm her heart and mind, she reasoned was just exhausted. It'd been a very few stressful days…week, month - that's all it was. Feeling a bit better with that lame excuse Ash let out a sigh and it was only now Johnny decided to answer her question.

"M-My dad…" Johnny muttered thickly after a long, terse silence; voice cutting through the silence as if physically sliced with a knife, "…he's in jail…and he hates me because I'm the reason he's there at all..."

At first, Ash was merely surprised he spoke whatsoever but it was was so minuscule to the impact of the words he spoke. No reply even being fathomed as she openly peered at him; thin brows creased heavily at his words. If she was expecting anything, that sure wasn't it. She expected them to be fighting over money, career choices, or just stupid stuff kids argue with their parents about on a daily basis…but jail?!

…and to blame your own son for being there?

There were so many questions she had resting on the tip of her tongue. 'What's he doing there?', 'Why the hell would he blame you?', 'Did you do something wrong?' 'What happened?'. Yet none ever came out before Johnny abruptly continued.

"I guess I feel partially responsible even thought I know what he was doing was wrong… but I…I didn't mean to get him caught…I really didn't intend for that to happen at all..."

"...What happened?" Ash found herself asking.

Johnny's mouth opened as if to answer but before any words could escape, it closed. Instead, he looked around for a moment as if scouting out for potential eavesdroppers but all that he saw was rustling tree branches and empty streets.

Once he was seemingly satisfied no one but her could hear, Ash couldn't help but flinch when the gorilla's chestnut brown eyes suddenly met hers. Peering into her as he'd never done before and for the first time she could recall, she felt positively vulnerable; as if he could see directly inside her tattered soul. Ash didn't care for that feeling but didn't detest it either. They flitted about her face for a bit as if reading her or her intentions and doing so must have calmed him immensely because before she knew it, his eyes left hers. Johnny's shoulders had slumped forward and he began speaking out the answers she'd asked for.

"My dad planned a heist - not unusual for he did many times before; stealing gold, jewels, and other valuables from various shipments or businesses. He'd been doing it almost immediately since we moved here to America." Johnny admitted with a nervous shrug; large hand scratching the back of his head as she noticed the flush to his cheeks as he struggled to meet her gaze.

A question on the tip of her tongue was silenced when Johnny again continued.

"I-I knew it was wrong ever since I was a kid but he asked things of me that I had to do! He's my dad and a son is supposed to honor his father and I did it in hopes that maybe - just maybe, he'd stop… Perhaps he'd finally steal himself enough money to keep himself happy for the rest of his life and to quit getting himself into this dangerous situations! ...Just like the one at the docks..." Johnny explained and for Ash, it was as if a light went off in her head.

Recalling that moment she walked past Johnny reading that paper all those weeks ago. Catching the smallest glimpse of the headline news: "Gang Leader Arrested!". Below was a picture of a gorilla (who looked remarkably like Johnny when she thought about it) wearing an orange jumpsuit, and now, it all began to make sense…Yet that was right around their second audition…he'd been living with it this whole time and never said a single word?

"Wait...The gang leader that was arrested, right?" Ash spoke for clarification.

Johnny froze for a bit, eyes widening in realization of the paper she must have seen before a resolute sigh left his lips.

"Yeah. That was him…" he softly admitted.

"B-But wait! That doesn't explain why he blames you for him being there! It sounds like it was his decision to go rob the joint - not yours!" Ash stated matter-of-factly and Johnny flinched at her brutal honesty.

"... I know…but he-he had this idea that I should join his gang, go on heists with him and my uncles - and I did. I was a lookout mainly just to warn them of any police or witnesses, but that night my father insisted I play a bigger role! So during the heist at the docks, I was supposed to be the getaway driver…" Johnny shrugged, face falling as he basically blurted out his involvement but to Ash that didn't mean anything. He saw she didn't even seem to care he admitted a criminal involvement, just waited patiently for him to continue.

So he did.

"But…I never wanted that. All my life, I wanted to be a singer but I knew he never would allow it, so I did it behind his back. I went to the auditions and once accepted, I-I came back to perform when I was supposed to be there for my dad - a-and now he's in jail because of it!" Johnny loudly muttered out the last part, shoulders trembling a bit as he collapsed on himself.

Ash wasn't sure what to think when she witnessed tears building in his brown eyes; a sadness that did not belong on his face and frankly, looked damn out of place. Johnny was far too bright and positive for such sadness to have any part in his life…and to think he'd been living with it all this time…

"I wasn't there when I should have been. I screwed up and now he's in jail." Johnny reiterated as if punishing himself with the words. Really believing he was at fault when to Ash it sounded as if Johnny did nothing wrong.

"How was that your fault?"

"I should have been there…yet here I wanted to do this for me…maybe I was just selfish showing him I could be a singer even if he never wanted me to be. Heh. And now, we both have nothing…" Johnny chuckled mirthlessly; eyes welling with tears that had Ash's heart and chest trembling at the sight of them. Pushing those thoughts away, Ash quickly changed the subject.

"What's wrong with doing something for yourself though?" Ash asked and she wished she could have asked her past self that same question a long time ago. For so long it was all about her and Lance when all this time, she should have been more selfish and perhaps she wouldn't have been stuck under his oppressing thumb for five damn years. The thought of it had familiar pain welling up that she tried to push down but it wasn't working anymore.

Johnny didn't answer. Appeared as if there was a million and one things he was tempted to say in retaliation of her accusing question but he said none of them.

"I'll tell you then - there's nothing wrong with going out and doing something you want. You shouldn't let anyone hold you back from that - not even your parents. Heh. Believe me." Ash chuckled, silently recalling her own discussion with her overbearing mother and how many times they argued over Ash's chosen profession. Causing a rift and disagreement that had her moving in with Lance by the time she was only 16.

"B-But...My dad's all I have." Johnny explained, leaving so many questions about his mother unanswered when he suddenly continued, "I-I went to the jail. I tried to tell him how I felt…Tried my hardest to explain my absence and the fact of how truly sorry I was that it happened that way. I-I tried, Ash. I really did. I even explained how I never wanted to be a part of his gang - how I wanted to be a singer…"

"...You did?" Ash asked, amazed at how he was willing to confront his father after all of this. He was a lot braver than her who just moved out in the middle of the night and refused to talk to her mother for months afterward.

"Yeah…and he said, 'how did I end up with a son like you?'…" Johnny softly admitted, a single tear slipping down his cheek and Ash watched it disappear into the fur lining his face. "…and ever since then, I go to the jail every day…but he refuses to see me…Every. Single. Day… I go to see him; sometimes waiting for hours in line, setting up appointments just to get a turn to talk to him - but he never shows up." Johnny whispered and Ash barely heard it.

Ash's mouth fell open slightly. Couldn't fathom the pain of utter rejection he must feel. How alone he must be in all of this; his echoing of his father being all he had haunted her now.

"I-I needed that money from winning the competition to get him out or hire a lawyer or something," he whimpered before catching himself and clearing his throat before continuing, "…but…that's not going to happen now. There's no way he's ever going to want to speak to me again. Rightly so I s'ppose..."

All this time…she never knew.

…No one did.

Icy blue eyes filling with unshed tears as she recalled all the prior weeks. Never once did Johnny complain; only working harder, playing piano all hours of the night, and being his normal sweet self. To realize that all that time, his father was in jail and Johnny had been in turmoil over it all. Those weeks as in which she was less than cordial to him; ignoring him and being short with him when he'd speak with her. Sometimes being her inadvertent shoulder to lean on… All his kind gestures he'd done for her; saving her life, helping her up, patching up her ankle, bringing her guitar, driving her places without nary a complaint or asking for anything in return. Lack of money he never complained about; hiding behind smiles and kind words throughout it all…

While behind closed doors, his life was in utter shambles.

To come to realize that Johnny was not in it for the money, nor to make himself famous or buy fancy material possessions…it was to save his father…

Johnny's desires for the prize were so selfless and caring; so unlike her own selfish desires to have the chance to rub it in Lance's face. As hard as she believed she had it, she had a mom and dad (while not together) were still only a phone call or short bus ride away. This sweet guy had his father and uncles thrown in prison probably never to be released considering their crimes. No mother as far as she knew, no other family there for him. Just him living alone without any source of steady income. Recalling the generic cheap food in those paper bags, unable to buy petrol for his truck…All while her own apartment was nice and warm; a bank account that could cover rent, bills, and food a for decent amount of time.

All her little emotional ex-boyfriend troubles were virtually nothing in comparison…

Yet, Johnny never complained, openly cried, threw a hissy fit, or even got angry or frustrated like she had done multiple times this past month. Instead, he'd been a constant source of support and positiveness that often rubbed her the wrong way because how could anyone be this way?! She assumed his life was perfect and he had no problems and was only an obstacle for her own prize.

…and to think that all this time…

"Ash! Don't cry!" Johnny exclaimed suddenly and that was the only time when she realized tears were indeed trickling down her face. "Please. Really, it's alright. I'm alright. I-I shouldn't have said anything! T-They're my problems - I really shouldn't have -"

Ignoring the wall she built and cold demeanor she attempted to keep up, she found it crumbling to the floor in a heap and before she was even fully aware of what she was doing - she hugged him.

#sing 2016 #sing 2016 fanfiction #sing illumination #sing johnny #sing ash #johnny #ash #johnny x ash #ash x johnny #fanfiction #slow burn #eventual romance #mah babies #i finally updated #yay

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