Stehe zwischen Schneiden und Skillen

Hungern und Essen

Kotzen oder aushalten

Aufgeben oder kämpfen.

The truth about recovery

The truth is ,

recovery is hard,really hard,

I know because I’m trying ,

I know that the truth is recovery is a long road ,

and often you travel it alone ,

Recovery It isn’t all about pretty roses and people proving they can change ,

It’s about crawling through brambles ,And then Pulling the thorns from your skin,

It isn’t about an army of people helping you build a cute den,

With fairy lights and colouring books,

It’s about learning to create your own safe space ,

Even in the midst of the hurricane ,

It’s about gritting your teeth ,

And moving forward with a quiet determination ,

It’s about learning to look at the view from where you are ,

Not looking up at the top of the mountain ,

And calculating how far you have left to climb ,

And sometimes recovery is about

Surrounding yourself with good people ,

And good conversations ,

It’s about learning to hold yourself in silence ,

Without feeling the need to fill the void ,

It’s about getting up and deciding to fight ,

Every single day ,

Despite how hard that is ,

You still have to fight even when

The nights feel long ,

And it feels like the sun won’t come up again ,

And you have to continue to make the choice to recover,

When your world feels dark ,

The truth is recovery is hard,

really,really hard ,

But it is worth it

(@thatssopaigey original world)

(Ps. I came second in my college poetry competition with this)

This unexpected dissociative life held a big Green Party banner today, blissed out to a duo of buskers, and later wound up placard making with amazing people of @extinctionrebellion north east. Our placards will head to London for the weeks of direct action. There are some pretty gorgeous ones that aren't in pictures. There are lots of new things in our life right now. Mostly we are very pleased of them. We're also amazed at being able to do what we are doing after so many months of big hell. We keep being massively honest with strangers about DID. #Stigma is rarer than we think. #dissociativeidentitydisorder #didsystem #placards #protest #nonviolence #climate #climatechange #oneworld #yourhouseisonfire #truth #tellthetruth #truthful #extinctionrebellion #mentalhealth #recoveryispossible #recoveryishard #recovery #madpride #positivity #mentalhealthawareness #acceptance (at Newcastle upon Tyne) https://www.instagram.com/clarejmatthews/p/BwLAwoEgvHj/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1uce2cjrtmg9f

Do not be afraid to be weak. 
Do not be ashamed to be tired. 
You look good when you’re tired.
You look like you could go on forever. #leonardcohen #selfie #typesetter #itsbeenahardwinter #readyforspring #readyforhealing #tired #recoveryishard #sorkingonselflove #seekinginspiration #tryingtoslowdown (at Denver, Colorado) https://www.instagram.com/p/BvNS67tFOer/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1i3wkm6qpgfp1

Today in therapy I learned that I need to learn to love even the ugly parts of myself

This seems difficult to achieve when I have my darkness wrapping its way round my throat stopping me from telling him that I love him incase he uses that as his cue to leave

What if the parts of my mind that sleep within me

Keep me up at night,sweating,with only a list of questions and impossible scenarios to keep me company

It’s all good and well romanticising this pain

But there is only so many times I can scream ‘this hurts!’ before I swallow the question when will I get better?

When my stumbles are marked as strength it’s hard to communicate that I would rather just walk

I know that I should love me for me

But honestly pass me the scalpel that can carve the madness from my mind

The never ending virus of what ifs?

The shaking and the sweating and the crying and constant fatigue

Show me how hot the poker needs to be to brand myself with sanity

And save myself from the darkness I fall into every few weeks

Sure I’m a warrior but I’d much rather be a child

So if an adult is around can they take this monster from out of my closet even just for a while

Because I haven’t had a good nights sleep in too damn long

And I am so so tired.

R: Es hätte mit euch was werden können, wenn er dir hätte sagen dürfen, wie er für dich empfindet. Aber es stand zu viel auf dem Spiel, sodass er nichts dergleichen tolerieren durfte.

Me: ...

My head: und dieses nicht zu wissen woran ich bin, hat mich kaputt gemacht.

I did not choose the eating disorder, the eating disorder chose me...🏳️

Too fat to be sick.

Reposted from @things_get_better_blog - Recovery is hard work. It’s not about wanting to use again. It’s about feeling all those things that I ran from for so long. Recovery is living wide open. Recovery is raw. #recoveringaddict #recoveringalcoholic #addictionsucks #ichooseme #ichooselife #ichooserecovery #iamnumber1 #womeninrecovery #recoveryinprogress #recoveryishardwork #recoveryishard #butimworthit #doingthework #odaat #onedayatatime - #regrann (at Highland Springs, Virginia) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs2zfQMHGHB/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=2blqz5x19rz6

#addictionrecovery #addictiongetseverybody #recoveryhumor #recoveryprocess #recoveryispossible #thetruthhurts #butthurt #realitycheck #necessary #trappedinmymind #maturingwithage #healingtakestime #addictionawareness #addict #recoveryishard https://www.instagram.com/p/BtEkE86nBr8UFe0v0JcpSpXz881skzclWD1RLw0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=70ytre3ld1rv

Dissociative Identity Disorder "fun" Hello Alex. They haven't written to me before. Far as I can make out so far, Alex is about 15, non-binary, full of bravado, and wants to be a total goth to scare people so they can pretend to not be the scared one. From what else was written, they are holding plenty of trauma. I'm sure I'll learn more as time goes on. If they allow it. They want to buy things. Maybe some cool 80s goth music or something similar will show up in the charity shop. As if I need more CDs. I think Jack wants a go now. Tomorrow Jack, tomorrow. #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #didsystem #osdd #ddnos #headmates #dissociativeidentitydisorder #dissociation #mentalillness #mentalhealthrecovery #writing #afraid #trauma #psychology #acceptyourself #acceptance #recoveryishard #recoveryispossible #mentalhealthmatters #anxiety #distress (at Newcastle upon Tyne) https://www.instagram.com/clarejmatthews/p/BvkSSBHggVq/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=xehulzu18yfk

Ugh I wish I had a workout buddy...

But one who's not too hot because then I'm just the fat friend and a wannabe skinny person.

The struggle.

It has been four months to the very day since I stepped foot on the treadmill... Recovery from hip surgery is brutal. Let's see how this goes.... #triathlonlife #training #slowandsteady #treadmillworkout #treadmill #yougotthis #swimbikerun #onrunning #procompressionsocks #procompression #triathlongirl #triathlete #triathlete #triathleteintraining #hipoperation #hiparthoscopy #recovetingtriathlete #recoverytime #recoveryishard #recoveryisworthit https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq-iZXGncxW/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1whb19omeho0s

This image speaks to me and so do the words that accompany it - truth is you can’t see what someone else is going through. I live with #Bipolar #CPTSD and #Anxiety if you met me in the street you would have no idea. I have wounds and bruises that are invisible... When I’m going through a tough time there are only a few people I allow to see the full picture. I’m working on past traumas in psychological therapy I hope with hard work and time some of them will heal, I know that God is with me on this journey. Repost from @the_bipolar_barbie using @RepostRegramApp - When borderline hits there is no where to hide. Triggered by external forces it ignites inside a ravenous fire that rages through your body. Veins turn to lava canals and your skin begins to itch. Your heart begins to race and stomach ties in knots. At first your insides fill with emotion. So quickly and forcefully the stir in your chest and expand until you feel like you are abou tto burst! No longer can you breath are your lungs are pushed up into your mouth, breathing becomes sharp and the deadlock doors bolt shut. Too scared to open your mouth for fear of what might come out. Mind is racing, consumed by the emotions and situation that triggered them. TAKE IT BACK! You scream. But no one can. Whats done is done, they have awakened a demon that lies deep within. For years I tried to beg the people who caused this immense hurt to fix what they broke. But why would they want to fix something they thought was worth breaking in the first place? Most will discard us like damaged goods they no longer want. Others we push away yearning for their love but terrified of what they have done and the thought they will most certainty do it again if we stay! Too weak to run.It took me years to realise that no matter how much I begged someone, not even if they wanted to could they fix the damage within.⁣ #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillness #mentalhealthmatters #socialanxiety #overthinking #hatemyself #bleeding #mentalhealthrecovery #mentalhealthsupport #mentaldisorder #cptsd #bpdrecovery #endstigma #mentalillnessrecovery #dissociation #recoveryishard #depersonalization #majordepression #actuallyborde https://www.instagram.com/p/BqYT0yCBRai/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1p3deg8wgyuz3