so…. my cat is having an episode and won't go in the kitty carrier so i have to spend the night at my mom's until she stops freaking out… yay.

💙 Happy Blue Moon🌕 💙

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Posts like these you don’t sea 👁️ often .. maybe once every blue moon 🧿👄🧿

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Todays pick a pile messages are songs since Pisces energy and full moons are likened to mermaids whom are know for being sirens 🚨 🧜🏽‍♀️ 🧜‍♂️

Message 1:

During the full moon transit you’ll feel like there is a stillness in their air. Kind of like when the ocean gets eerily calm before a storm. A peaceful terror. You could feel the urge to be by yourself more or hermit in your own energy; it will befit you to turn off your devices and just listen to the sounds around you and your mind. The best thing you can utilize your phone for right now is noting your synchronicities and your feelings. If you notice people being distant don’t take it personally, but pay attention to how that makes you feel and the conversations people have with you especially your tone. Others you know are facing introspection and are delving into the deepest parts of their psyche. The intensity of repressed emotions may be too much for most to handle. I noticed my social media page engagements are lower than normal today, it reminds me of a ghost town with nothing but tumble weeds lol that’s the energy of this Pisces full moon. Work with quartz crystals, protect your immune system and indulge in a warm bath, shower, or foot soak since Pisces rules the feet.

Message 2:

At this time you will experience MORE lucid dreams. Pay attention to the people in your dreams and what these particular people may say to you in your dreams. It’s one thing to be lucid in the dream state but it’s another to wake up with dream amnesia. Why is that? Bc something in your waking life is not aligned with your higher self meaning you could indulging in bad habits like not getting enough rest and over saturating your third eye with too much media. You’re prob a creative person or a water sign so you should be clearing your mind. Create something that is visually stimulating for you to aid in your create process and ease/unload the mind; mercury rx is cashing a lot of mental tension rn. A salt bath, a foot soak with pink Himalayan salt or you may need to gargle with salt water to unblock throat chakra blockages. Try sleeping next to grounding crystals and dream enhancing crystals like blue apatite. Also don’t sleep directly next to your phone, turn TV’s, mirrors, phones, tablets, and other types of black mirrors away from your bed if you can. If not try covering them with a towel or something light. Work on protecting your aura and strengthening your auric field

Message 3:

Worrying about an ex at this time is unhealthy for you. As much as you may think this person will change it’s not up to you to focus on them, pour into yourself wholeheartedly and you’ll see where your shadow work needs to be done and why you feel the need to give to someone who probably doesn’t have your best interest at this time. I see a lot of people from your past being nostalgic over you, but that is none of your concern anymore. Turn from the past and be open to all possibilities ( this is the mantra for piscerian energy). Your destiny is waiting for you, but you are holding on to your karmic energy. The moon has met up with Saturn as he’s been transiting Pisces since the beginning of the year, so challenge yourself to let go of the things that aren’t serving you and you know what they are. Also everyone seems to be on edge so it’s best to just be quiet stay out the way and mind your business until mercury retrograde blows over. If you’ve been overindulging in tarot stop, OR you may notice that tarot isn’t resonating with you lately like it used to. Try intuitive games to improve your own cartomancy or tarot skills if you’re into that

Message 4:

I see you have done a lot of shadow work over the years and it has caused you to feel a bit isolated at times and that’s because others have not done ENOUGH self development therefore you are not resonating with most people. You are supposed to soar and it may feel lonely at the top but know that you are an example of Christ consciousness to those around you. you are a beacon of light that illuminates a path behind you. You are not a flash light searching for dark spots. Reward yourself for how far you’ve come and don’t stop because this is how you will romanize your life turning fantasies into reality. The full moon wants you to relax and to plan ahead so you can have a more fulfilled day. Pisces is a mutable sign meaning ever changing , therefore this energy can be a bit sporadic. Which isn’t always bad, BUT I see time can easily evade you if your daily intentions aren’t set properly. You’ll see what I mean if you haven’t already. I see you thinking back on this post weeks later like ohhhh now I get it. 🤭 also eat some more vegetables, try making more home cooked meals bc it’ll be therapeutic .

Message 5:

Please be mindful that with most people in their late 20’s experiencing their Saturn returns with the moon currently in the same sign as Saturn may force you to observe people change for the better or for worse. It all depends on one’s karma and the work they’ve chosen to do or lack thereof. With the sun being n Virgo and Virgo being the sign of the hermit, the change of season will cause you and others to recluse and maybe even become lethargic. For example during this time of year most people go back to school, and as the older generation phases out and retires, the old “students” are the new teachers. I see a lot of millennials changing the dynamics of school systems compared to how we experienced it growing up. You are the future, help your inner child and inner teenager even if you’re an adult by connecting with those younger than you. If YOU are a teenager pay attention to those in their mid to late twenties. A lot of times we think our lives are going to go certain ways and end up something completely diff. Just know that if you’re aspiring to do something that may not need a traditional education don’t waste your money going to school for something you don’t even really wanna do or you’re doing it for just the money or to satisfy family. Find the moon tonight and do some moon gazing , stare at her and let your mind wonder off; your higher self will handle the rest.

Message 6:

People want to know what you’re up to 👀 I see you have a magnetic energy like the moon. People stare at you like they do the moon, for some reason I see you’re a walking personification of a mirrored portal. You are a conduit of the higher dimensions, you see a person but they see you as a hypnotic metronome. Just like the effect the full moon has on mythological creatures like mermaids and werewolves, I’m seeing you know you had some time of power of psychic gift but you’ll begin to resonate with being other worldly as your gifts play out in front of you. Pisces energy is about illusions and for some reason you create an optical illusion that doesn’t play tricks on peoples eyes but their minds 😵‍💫 THIS message will only resonate with a small few but please comment if you experience any weird nuisances. With great power comes great responsibilities, be careful not to put people in trances at the wrong time, don’t stare at people back if they stare at you but if it’s a lover stare and you’ll both take an astral trip. Please move in silence at this time and work on grounding. Going into hermit mode will benefit you and please don’t get distracted by lust bc I see that being the side effect of this heightened power rn like a hungry vampire. Also stop trying to be captain sage a h*e and realize how earthly you’ve been, lighten your aura in weight.

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🩻This is your time to illuminate the truth deep within you bc you already hold the answers you seek.. there’s no research to be done at this time because you have spent the time and effort. Now you are reaping the rewards

Eclipse Vibes

ALL 12 SIGNS. Read for your rising sign or just the sign/s you feel the most like. If you don't know your rising sign then I guessssss you can use your Sun.

First of all, drink some water and have a good day ON PURPOSE.

Aries: Well, aren’t you a lucky individual? The planets have aligned in your favor. Make a wish! Feel like you are HIM/HER. This is the time to step into the energy of who you KNOW you are, who God said you are. Let’s check back in 6 months to celebrate again during Libra season 🕺🏾.

Taurus: You've probably been having crazy, prophetic dreams. All of us definitely should rest, but you especially. One thing about a Taurus: they get to the money. You might be renewing your faith or diving deep into your spiritual practice. God sees you and hears you; lay all your troubles at the altar.

Gemini: Okay, Hollywood. If you get some money, let me hold a dollar! Lol, just kidding. You might find a new friend group during this time. It's a great time to make your voice/ideas heard by a large group of people, especially over the next 6 months. If you haven’t started that idea yet, DO IT!

Cancer: Are multiple things that you’ve been working on coming into fruition at the same time? That’s kinda cool asf. Congrats! You're definitely receiving some type of well-deserved recognition. Or, you know, it could also be a scandal (stay dangerous 😭). The people around you definitely see you as a trailblazer at this time. If you do start something new, it will gain you recognition by Libra season. If the attention you’re getting is unfortunately negative, feel your emotions, but just go lay down. For whatever reason, all eyes are on you, and people probably already think you’re a hothead. You’ve obviously grown; don’t let anyone put you back in a mold you already broke!

Leo: Where are we going 👀? I’m so, so, so, so proud of you. I think by now acceptance letters for college have come out or are still coming out. So, congratulations to all my Leos who are pursuing higher education. If you have any cases open, they most likely will be ruled in your favor! For me personally, I know for a FACT that all my faith has been restored. I don’t question a damn thing. Wishing you the same peace. These last 12 months definitely felt like a pilgrimage. Hugs 🫂. Plus, you’re a Leo; like, of course they're mad! Nothing can turn your shine off. I’m sorry to myself for dimming my light because it would NEVER be dim enough for someone bothered by it!

VIRGOAT: Hey, Virgo. Mercury Retrograde is probably whooping your ass right now. Probably to tell you to stop getting angry about delays. For a long time, you let anger drive you to make mooney. That’s totally fine, but uhm, you’re probably burnt out. As someone who had to slowly get out of burnout, you do NOT want your body to sit you down, because then your busy-body self will really be sad. I had to remind you that you are indeed the GOAT. You were born worthy, and you proved yourself a long time ago. Look over all that you’ve overcome and be proud instead of feeling like it’s not good enough. You’re kinda scaring the hoes. We are overall, as a collective, going through a very transformative time. If you are feeling blocked, write down all your ideas. I know you have a lot of ideas. A good astrologer would tell you to be mindful of what you owe right now; check those statements, etc. I know you’re strategic asf, but emotions and love shouldn’t be controlled; these are things you have to let flow.

Libra: Hi, my pretty. There's a lot of energy going on in your 7th house right now. Aries season reminds us to put ourselves first, guilt-free, thank you very much. A lot of people are probably pulling on your energy. I’m not saying ignore them, but definitely communicate your needs, and if they aren’t hearing you or can’t meet them, on the back burner they go! I’m sure these last 6 months taught you all about the negative effects of people-pleasing/pouring from an empty cup though. On the flip side, if you’re open to new love or new business ventures, now is also a time to seize them in an assertive, confident way.

Scorpio: You’re another one that needs to practice self-care. We get it, you’re a Martian, always working, striving, and winning. Win yourself some rest. Strategize those self-care routines. There's really so much energy happening in everyone’s chart in the sign of Aries, I really think we should just lay down for a bit. A new self-care routine would definitely take you out of a rut, and most likely is the thing you’ve been missing. We’ve all (if you’ve been doing “the work”) changed quite a bit since the eclipses were happening in your sign/sister sign. You've become a brand new person. That took A LOT of energy. Look into dance maybe as a way to release all that… energy and also feel really good. People call on you because they KNOW you will get the job done; who do you get the call on, though? You are way more than what you do for others. Rest and don’t feel guilty about it either, I don’t care.

Sagittarius: If you’re engaging in intimate activities today and don’t want a new addition to your family, please use protection. For my singles and those not feeling as creative: I hope you fall back in love with your art and reopen your heart to love and romance.

Capricorn: It's time for some home reco; move some things around to bring in new energy or just better feng shui in the house. Burning incense or a candle for whatever intention you have for your home or future one would be the vibe today.

Aquarius: If you are traveling, safe travels. You were never one to shy away from a tough conversation or telling people how it is. Maybe watch your tone though. Your mom might announce you have a new sibling; I know, right? Like, she's too grown for that, lmao. But anyways, congrats on that. Let your words nourish those around you; you might see a surprise.

Pisces: Last but certainly not least. I hope you find some new ways to earn money. Check your notes app; you probably have a good idea or two in there. If you need some realignment of remembering your worth, I’d listen to a really good playlist, one that’s very affirmative or just reminds you of who you are. (Think Yea Glo, by Glorilla) New moons are a good time to visualize and plan how you want the month to go. Definitely go over your budget sometime this week; you might realize you have more money to spend on self-care than you thought. Maybe get yourself a little treat and indulge just a teeny, weenie bit.

again and again and again ; ushijima wakatoshi

pairing: ushijima wakatoshi x f!reader

synopsis: every august 13th, a void opens in your chest. the universe is one sick bastard.

tag(s): soulmate!au, very angsty, equally fluffy, reincarnation!au, prince!ushijima, rebel!ushijima. android!ushijima, dad!ushijima, pro-volleyball player!ushijima ; warning(s): lots of death n dying, suggestive themes, light profanity ; wc: 4.8k

a/n: happy birthday ushi!!! inspired by cloud atlas and the raven cycle but you don’t have to have seen either to understand this fic. tbh it’s just a bunch of different au’s tied together by the strings of fate lol. a thousand thank you’s to @dorkyama​ for beta-ing!

TOKYO, JAPAN, 2020

It’s another August 13th and Ushijima Wakatoshi might die today.

Glumly, you push away the plate of breakfast in front of you, cross your arms over the new space, and rest your forehead down as if in front of a grave.

“Please,” you beg with eyes shut. “Let Ushijima Wakatoshi live today.”

(You’ve whispered this phrase infinite times–– so often that it has a home in your mouth like a cavity.)

SOMEWHERE IN WASHINGTON, 2012

When you first meet Ushijima–– the first first time–– it’s evening and you’re lost in a meadow somewhere in Washington. Where exactly doesn’t quite matter and, even if it did, you wouldn’t be able to remember. At least, not at this moment. Because you see something most peculiar.

Under the half-lit sky, in the glade of overgrown sweet vernal grass and marigolds and daisies, a figure stands paler than the moon overhead.

The body belongs to a young man dressed in a sweater and slacks. His dark hair parts on the side, stopping right above a pair of firm dark eyes. Thin lips press in a perfunctory line, sharp nose radiates an aura of authority.

And yet, he looks lost.

“Hello?” you call out. The boy doesn’t respond, only continues to hover in the middle of the clearing with the same confounded expression on his face. So you ignore the pounding of your heart in your chest and inch closer until you’re just feet away, shivering. It’s a strangely cold day for July, you think.

“Can you tell me your name?” you ask. Seconds pass in silence as he stares past–– no, through–– you. With your thudding heartbeat and shallow breaths still the only sounds in the meadow, you realise that you may have to try something else.

Gently, you touch the pads of your fingers to his shoulder. A fresh wave of ice floods through your veins, raising goosebumps all over your skin. More curiously, though, your fingers fall through said shoulders. It feels like plunging your hand into a bucket of ice.

Eyes wide, you lunge backwards. A ghost?

No, ghosts aren’t real.

(If that’s the case, then what is he?)

At your touch, the boy’s head jerks up. Life floods his gaze. Blinking, he says, “Ushijima.” His voice is low and smooth, but quiet. Firm. He looks around the meadow as if seeing it for the first time.

“Is that all?”

Ushijima’s focus returns to you, this time with the addition of furrowed brows. His eyes are fixed on you in a way that makes you feel as if he’s reading your soul.

“That’s all there is.”

A million questions race through your mind and before you can decide which to ask first, his incorporeal figure vanishes from the meadow.

And you’re alone again.

Oddly enough, the way back to your aunt’s house comes naturally to you. Once inside the ancient wooden manor, you realise that the feeling that guided you back was the same that had led you to the meadow in the first place.

Then, you wonder, had you truly been lost?

Aunt Risa’s an eccentric woman in her thirties, always yabbering on about Mercury in retrograde and events that are yet to happen. Grandma had been the same. Clairvoyance, or what everyone claims is “clairvoyance”, supposedly runs in your family. You wouldn’t know, though, because apparently it skipped your mother. Coincidentally (or not), she’s extremely proud of her normality. And she’s also extremely proud that you, supposedly, are normal, too.

It’s safe to say that you don’t see your mother’s family often.

Still, she sent you here from New York to “connect with your roots”. And even though you know that’s a cover for “raise hell somewhere else for one summer”, you let yourself consider that it means getting acquainted with the mystic mumbo-jumbo you’ve ignored all these years. After all, nothing normal can explain what just happened in the field… right?

Good thing Aunt Risa isn’t normal.

“That’s Glendower’s Meadow you were just in,” she says with a twinkle in her eyes. “Lies atop a very powerful ley line.”

Ley lines, you learn, connect places around the world through electromagnetic forces. They are also able to transcend time, gravity, space… all forces that cannot be seen.

Aunt Risa adds that they do more than just connect places. “Soulmates countries apart can step on any point in the same line to see each other. It’s been said that the power ley lines emit is so strong that even soulmates worlds and years apart can meet in these little pockets of energy. Guess it tides you over til you’re destined to meet.”

Somehow, everything she says makes sense and doesn’t at the same time. Soulmates? Magic? None of this is real, is it?

“Now,” she continues, “it’s odd that you can use ley lines, though. Remember how you couldn’t tell a black jackal from a swan the last time you read tea leaves?”

You frown. At seven years old, you hadn’t exactly been trying.

“I guess there is something supernatural about you! You can’t deny how magical it is to have a love that transcends lifetimes…”

You don’t hear the rest of what she has to say. “Lifetimes?”

“Yup. Soulmates are the only people in this universe who go through reincarnation. The Universe is a hopeless romantic, letting her children fall in love again and again and again.”

And this explanation satisfies you because you’re sixteen, a little naive, and the Universe has never failed you before.

(She will.)

July passes in a honeyed haze: you spend every day with a content curve to your lips, thinking about a boy with eyes and hair dark as night.

Aunt Risa doesn’t have the heart to tell you that she’s seen his future in this life. And when you step out the creaky wooden door for the last time, ready to go back to the bustling jungle that is New York, she calls out to you with an expression you don’t yet recognise. “Don’t you worry, hun. You’ll see that Ushijima boy again.”

But not like this.

You’re about to get out of bed and dress for the first day of school when an out-of-control eighteen-wheeler runs his driver’s black SUV off the road. Ushijima Wakatoshi dies on August 13th in his timezone.

As it happens, you feel a strange sense of loss settle in. It’s like you’d been driving on the highway and just missed the last turn home.

(You’ll learn in the next life that you, in fact, do not have the gift of foresight. But you do have the curse of memory.)

PARIS, FRANCE, 1749

The year is 1749 and sunlight pours through the windows of Ushijima Wakatoshi’s second-floor bedroom.

In this life–– your second life–– you are a brilliant composer. The Universe, as you’ve guessed, follows no rules, no directions. Doesn’t even spare a glance at a linear timeline. Or perhaps, it’s time that isn’t linear. Either way, you try not to think about things out of your control. Life is good now.

At the sound of your fingers waltzing across ivory and ebony, Ushijima slowly sits up in the king-sized, soft linen sheets falling to reveal his chiselled torso.

“Good morning,” he rasps, a content smile tugging at his lips. “You look enchanting as always.”

The melody stops. Between the lid and music rack, your eyes meet–– his gentle, yours mirthful. “You flatter me,” you deny with a cheeky grin. Still, you rise (wearing his robes, Ushijima notes) from your seat and stroll over to your lover, pressing a gentle kiss to his mouth. “Happy birthday, darling.”

“Thank you,” he murmurs against your lips. “I live another year just for you.” Ushijima really means that–– in fact, he believes with his whole heart that he was made for you and you him. There’s no other way to explain how your bodies mould so perfectly together, how you understand each other without even speaking, how time feels like it doesn’t exist whenever you’re around. Your meeting at Duke La Trémoille’s ball could only have been the work of Fate’s nimble fingers.

(It was. A ley line runs underneath the Duke’s family château.)

You hum, thankful that this time you have the privilege to love him as he lives. Your last life was spent agonising over the only memory you had of him. “And what does this day have in store for the man of the hour?” The words that leave your lips morph into bubbling laughter as he moves aside on the bed and pulls you into his embrace. Still giggling, you kiss his bare chest, relishing in how secure his arms feel around your waist.

“Mother is hosting a ball tonight in my honour,” he says. That you are not invited to, he doesn’t add. He doesn’t have to, though, because you know that she doesn’t approve of you. Not being French is the main reason why, but there’s also the fact that you’re a musician. A talented, accomplished, royally recognised musician, sure, but that doesn’t change how at the end of the day, all you have to your name is inked paper.

And Ushijima Wakatoshi is first in line for the throne of France.

“Ah.”

It’s hardly fair for you to feel slighted–– you knew what you were getting into the second the Crown Prince, notorious for his aloof nature, invited you to Versailles to perform for him and his friends.

(In his defense, Duke Tendou had forced his hand by threatening to throw a fit in front of the Queen, but only after he’d seen the painfully restrained wonder in the prince’s eyes.)

Still, you yearn for something more.

Ushijima feels your body stiffen in his arms and knows the moment has soured. “You can never be Queen of France,” he murmurs into your neck. Shivers crawl down your spine the same time tears prick at your eyes. “And I can never give you a throne.” It’s not the throne you yearn for.

“I know.” You curse whoever the lucky girl will be. And you curse Ushijima for reminding you that she will definitely not be you.

“I can only promise you my heart.” He presses his lips to the side of your neck. “My undying devotion.” A kiss to your exposed shoulder. “And my soul in every life we meet.” His hand slides under your chin and turns your head towards his. Soft lips move against yours while the pads of his fingers wipe away the tears that had spilled over your cheeks.

“Toshi, I must say that the literature tutor your mother hired is doing a marvellous job,” you murmur once you pull apart.

A short breath of amusement leaves his nose. “He’s only polishing a gem that already exists,” Ushijima counters.

You smile slyly, another witty remark ready to launch from your mouth, when three sharp knocks at the door cause both of you to freeze.

“My friends, the Devil approaches.” Tendou’s faint voice travels through the opulent front door.

Sighing, you slide off the bed and tug your day dress on. Without being asked, Ushijima ties the laces in the back together. “Tell your mother I said hello, won’t you?” you tease, kissing him deeply on the balcony.

“I’d prefer not to think about my mother with your lips pressed to mine, darling,” he replies.

You giggle softly, and with one leg dangling off the balustrade, say, “And careful not to wear yourself out dancing, Toshi. Expect a visit from me later.”

His sonorous laughter rings through the air as you jump and land deftly on the freshly cut grass below, running the whole way back to your humble apartment in the eleventh arrondissement.

Regrets of not sneaking into the ball will burn into your brain after Tendou arrives at your door later that evening with a faraway stare on his face.

Towards the end of the ball, Ushijima Wakatoshi is led away from the dance floor and into the gardens by his scheming younger brother Goshiki.

He doesn’t return. The beloved Crown Prince of France dies on his twenty-first birthday with a dagger in his chest and poison in his veins.

With two lives under your belt, you reach the cruel understanding that in every life you live, August 13th is the day that Ushijima Wakatoshi dies again and again and again.

In a sense, memory is foresight.

NEO SEOUL, 2144

Tomorrow, the Union Revolutionary Group exposes the government for their crimes against your people.

But tonight, your head rests against his chest–– a habit you picked up sometime after Germany, 1943, even though you are presently in Neo Seoul, 2144. To be honest, you’re not sure if it’s even 2144. Neo Seoul’s calendar isn’t like the one you went through your first few lives with and you’re certain one year here is equivalent to two back on the Earth you knew… or something like that. Either way, every August 13th passes under your nose without detection. Every day passes uneasily, because although you never truly know when anyone dies in any life, you really don’t know when he will in this one.

But hearing Ushijima’s heart beat firmly manages to take the edge off yours. Every pulse is a murmured confirmation that everything is still okay.

You jerk back when he stirs from sleep. Disorientated, Ushijima blinks at your dimly lit figure before registering that it’s you. A confused expression crosses his features. What had you just been doing?

“Is everything alright?” His voice is raspy with drowsiness but he sits upright against the headboard anyway.

“Yeah.”

“No, it’s not. Tell me what’s wrong.” Nothing ever slips past him–– at least, not when it comes to you. Still, you bite your lip and contemplate if it’s worth mentioning. Three years of working alongside the renegade Commander (and hundreds more from other lifetimes) have taught you that words of comfort do not belong in Ushijima’s vocabulary. But it’s the night before you, the only known freed Fabricant working with the Union, are going to expose the Unanimity’s enslavement of Fabricants to all inhabitants of Neo Seoul. And…

“I’m scared, Wakatoshi.”

He thinks you’re talking about tomorrow. His eyes dart to the holographic digits floating throughout his room. 12:02 AM. You’re talking about today, then. He’s not wrong–– you are afraid of today. But you’re also afraid every day.

Ushijima pauses, wondering what to say. He’s never felt fear the same way others do. Others might only see a myriad of ways they can fail or die but he simply sees a chance to prove himself. A chance to emerge victorious. “If you let yourself be scared,” he says, “then you lose without fighting. Fear is a wasted emotion. Even at your last breath, you should never be afraid.”

As you mull his words over in your head, a section of your hair falls in front of your face. Ushijima’s fingers twitch. Would it be too much to––

“Then what should I feel instead?” He stills.

The question hangs in the air, thickening until the spacious room feels suffocating. Normal people–– people you knew a couple of lifetimes ago–– would probably say something like “love” or “hope” or even “don’t”. You think Ushijima might, too.

But when Ushijima speaks, he says, “Feel right now.”

A shift in the moonbeam pouring through your surrounding glass walls casts a muted glow over your features, breaking through the darkness of the room. Ushijima’s olive eyes flash and fall to your shining lips.

His Adam’s apple bobs. Anticipation bubbles in your stomach.

You think that you might die tomorrow. He might die any day. What are you waiting for?

Feeling a fiery rush of blood surge through your veins, you close the distance between your bodies until the tips of your noses touch. Gently, your hand comes up to the back of his neck, feeling his pulse speed up under your fingers. He instantly reaches out, grips your waist firmly. Hot, uneven breaths fan across your face.

“What––”

“I know it’s forbidden between Fabricants and pure-bloods,” you breathe out, “but––”

Ushijima nudges his lips against yours. They move stiffly, unsurely, but it’s sincere. It’s his first kiss and it’s your… you’ve lost count by now. It doesn’t really matter, though. Past, future, or present, every one of his touches feels new.

Both of you might die tomorrow. But tonight, you both are so very alive.

And when his heart pounds, unmuffled, bare against yours, you are reminded to live now.

Twenty-one hours later, a laser beam whizzes past your ear.

“Go faster!” you shout over the wind, tightening your arms around Ushijima’s waist. “We have to get to the broadcast station now.”

“I’m trying,” he grits out, pressing his foot harder against the hoverbike’s pedal. You speed up, but only a little. “Fuck. Remember what I taught you about the laser pistols?”

“Always aim a little higher than you want to.” From the mirrors on the side, you see the corners of his lips quirk up. You reach for the gun in his belt.

Not a single police officer remains on your tail when you step foot into the broadcast station.

“We don’t have much time, miracle girl,” Tendou, a fellow Union soldier, says once you arrive. He punches the elevator button. Instantly, the chute opens. “Cameras have picked up on at least five Unanimity squads headed our way from the city.”

The sinking feeling that today out of all days might be August 13th suddenly weighs on your stomach. A shaky breath leaves your mouth.

Ushijima stops you before you can step in. Cupping your face with his large hands, the brunet gazes deeply into your eyes. “I believe in you,” he murmurs. “I believe in you.” His fingers brush against your cheekbones. You let your eyelids close, relishing in this stolen moment between two new lovers.

Ushijima presses his lips against yours, kissing you as if he’s trying to carve a message into your bones. He whispers his conviction one last time before stepping back and allowing Tendou to push you lightly into the elevator. The thought that Ushijima’s words allude to more than just faith nudges your brain as the two men grow smaller in your sight.

Halfway through your revelations, the Unanimity cuts through the metal doors of the station. Behind the glass panels encasing the radio room, you watch the shootout begin. Every bone in your body screams for you to join your comrades, but you remember what your orders are. No matter what happens, do not stop the broadcast. If the truth doesn’t come out now, the Union will have sacrificed everything in vain.

You will your voice to steady when Unanimity soldiers take out the Union soldiers hiding behind Tendou’s barricade.

You will your hands to unclench when Ushijima deftly slides over his squad’s barricade and tosses a plasma grenade towards a cluster of enemy soldiers, then picks off the survivors with his Union rifle.

You will your breath to endure when the brunet is blown back by a grenade tossed by another squadron. Ushijima’s cranium collides with the floor. His body stills; blood red as cherry wine pools around his head like a cruel halo. Swallowing, you push forth. You’re a soldier.

But you can’t help the way your throat dries or hands shake or lungs tighten when you see his head turn ever-so-slightly in your direction.

He smiles in his last breath.

(The Archivist asks if you loved Ushijima before you are taken away. You tell him you always have, do, will.

The Unanimity guillotine doesn’t scare you like you think it should. Knowing what and who waits ahead, it feels more like a kiss to your neck.)

QAASUURI, 3003

As you step out of the metal carriage, the ground beneath you begins to vibrate. This, as you’ve learned, can only mean that you are standing atop another ley line.

Olive eyes stare at you impassively when you look up. A dazzling array of awards and medals is pinned to his chest over a white military uniform. Compared to all the other soldiers around him, you gather that the deep purple cape over his shoulders means he’s someone important. Possibly your betrothed? You briefly recall another lifetime in which he’d been the crown prince of somewhere, and you, by a spectacular stroke of misfortune, had only been a composer then. Fighting back a smug grin, you muse that this time, you are a princess.

“Ushijima Wakatoshi, Captain of the Qaasuuri Royal Guard, at your service,” he says with a low bow. “King Washijou appointed me to ensure your safety during your courtship with the prince, your highness. These are trying times, especially with the war against Ibis.” Your heart falls. So it’s one of those lives.

Mustering the warmest smile you can, you curtsy and say, “Thank you, Ushijima. I hope we can get to know each other better.”

You do.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the Qaasuuri are a race more android than human. But nothing about him feels artificial. He is as real as he was in Berlin. Atlantis. Cairo. Camelot. Hanoi. Olympus. Tallahassee. He feels as human, too.

You get to relearn the way his cheeks flare up when you call him Toshi and not Ushijima for his first time (force of habit)... and every subsequent time (at your pleasure).

You get to relearn his wry humour, how every-so-often his stony demeanour breaks after one of your quick jabs, usually in response to his agonisingly blunt remarks. (“You should have brought a coat, princess,” he notes with disapproval when you shiver in the chilly spring air. You promise him that you look better with hypothermia than in any Qaasuuri coat. An amused breath blows out from his nose. And though he doesn’t say a word more on the subject, his white jacket over your shoulders speaks more than enough.)

You get to relearn how his hands feel on your skin. The first lesson is your mistake: missing a step down the spiralling staircase on your way to dinner. Automatically, his hand grips your arm to pull you back. He uses a little more force than necessary, though, and tugs you into his firm chest. Neither of you can look at each other for the rest of the evening. The second is his mistake: reaching out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear as you read in the palace library, somehow knowing it’s one of your pet peeves. Both of you freeze when his fingers accidentally brush against your cheek. Ushijima thinks he’s never felt skin softer than yours–– you think it’s been too long since he last touched you.

The third is neither a mistake nor just one of your doings. It happens on a cool autumn evening as the two of you walk through the palace gardens with your hands dangling haphazardly at your sides, knocking against each other again and again as if begging for an opening. Finally, you acquiesce. You slip your hand into Ushijima’s cold palms. And though nothing shows on his stony face, his heart whirrs like an overheating engine for the rest of your walk. He doesn’t let go until the iron palace comes back into view.

“We should stop,” he pants between fervent kisses, “before this gets out of hand.” You nip at his neck. “You’re betrothed to the prince––” you suck on the skin between his collarbones and throat, drawing a low groan from his lips “––and I can never give you a throne.”

You pull back, knees on either side of his waist, and stare down into his eyes. “I don’t want a throne.” Ushijima watches you with rapt attention. Sometimes you wonder if maybe, just maybe, he remembers. Slowly, you repeat his words from lifetimes ago. “I only want your heart.” An unreadable expression crosses his face. “Your devotion.” It’s not recognition. “And your soul.”

It’s conviction.

By now you’ve seen many breathtaking things: entire cities built from ice, the end of the ocean, a Venusian sunrise. None compare to Ushijima Wakatoshi with his pupils blown wide, hair tousled, lips flushed. Red with love.

None compare when he promises, “You have that and more.”

A pause.

“Show me.”

With an effortless flip, Ushijima’s muscled body hovers over yours, olive eyes flashing wildly in your dim chambers.

Amid fast breaths and guttural moans, amid steely olive eyes and parted lips, amid the subatomic space between your bodies, you feel it cloak your skin like armour.

Love.

(The Ibis storm the Qaasuuri castle one month before the wedding. Ushijima fights the invaders valiantly, superhuman modifications undoubtedly being of help. But there’s just too many of them. The last thing he tells you is to run. The world burns when you look over your shoulder, only to see a Ibisian sword drive through his heart.

The Qaasuuri are a race more android than human. But they still bleed the same.)

TOKYO, JAPAN, 2018

The oldest you ever witness him live to is thirty-two years old.

It’s the morning of August 13th and you walk into the kitchen to the sight of Ushijima Wakatoshi lifting your daughter up into the sky, spinning her little body around in circles, the pancakes on the stove slowly bronzing to a mouthwatering shade of gold.

“Mommy!” she giggles when she sees you. Leaning against the doorframe with your arms crossed, you watch your husband set your daughter back down on the ground with a soft smile on his face.

“Sleep well?” you ask, ruffling her hair. She nods happily and bounces back to the stove. Her latest obsession has been cooking in the kitchen, though you’re not sure when exactly she moved on from “potion-making” in the backyard.

“Morning,” Ushijima murmurs, wrapping an arm around your waist and pressing a kiss to your lips.

“Happy birthday, handsome,” you tease, leaning into his chest. As the words leave your mouth, the sunny morning haze cools into desaturated blue. But it’s been thirty-two years, you reason with a hard swallow. Maybe the cycle has broken. Your eyes dart to your daughter’s little figure on the stepping stool, her small hands gripping the spatula flipping a bronzed pancake over to its pale side. How would she…

You steel yourself, though a small fissure can’t help but open in your heart from the force.

She isn’t your first child and she won’t be your last. Time, you’ve learned, likes to play games, likes to set you on the same storyline again and again just to see if another ending will show itself. There will be more tomorrows and more yesterdays. There always is.

But that doesn’t make todays hurt any less.

Ushijima tilts his head to the side, olive eyes peering into yours. “Is everything okay?” He never misses (or missed) anything–– not when the two of you were heisting in Switzerland or revelling in Alexandria like Dionysians, not when you were crammed in the same codebreaking room during World War I or sailed across the Atlantic to your doom in 1912. Not now.

But you’re tired of carrying each bygone lifetime into the next. Willing yourself to forget the fact that you’ve seen him die again and again on August 13th, you put everything into the lie that slips your teeth: “More than okay.”

You choose to cherish the present.

“Order up!” your daughter exclaims, proudly presenting the plate of pancakes to you and Ushijima. “I even made one shaped like a heart for Dad for his birthday!”

With a grin, you come closer to inspect the heart-shaped pancake. “Excellent work, sous chef!” you compliment, tapping her nose lightly. It’s sharp like her father’s. She, however, inherited your eyes. You turn around to face your husband. “What does Head Chef Ushijima think?”

Smiling softly, he takes the plate from her hands and, without a second look, says, “It’s perfect. Thank you, sweetheart.”

Breakfast passes in a blur of laughter and honey.

(You think you have gone through another August 13th unscathed when night falls and all of your friends exit through the cherry wood doors of one of Tokyo’s finest restaurants. On the car ride home, however, your white SUV swerves to avoid a deer in the road and flips once, twice, three times.

You wake up neither a mother nor a wife.)

TOKYO, JAPAN, 2020

A subtle sigh of relief exits your lungs when Ushijima Wakatoshi enters through the front door at 12:01 AM, red Team Japan suitcase in hand. He’s back from the airport. More importantly, he’s alive.

“Did I make it?” he asks with an upturned corner of his mouth. His olive eyes are half-closed from the exhausting transatlantic flight and his muscles are still a bit sore from how vigorously he played the game against Argentina (Oikawa’s team, for god’s sake)... but he’s here.

And he can’t be any happier.

You know that he’s talking about the time, probably hoping to joke that coming home to you is the best birthday present he can imagine. In that regard, he technically hasn’t made it.

And yet, you leap into his arms and press kisses all over his face as you repeat “yes” again

and again

and again.

HSMTMTS 2x9: so dreaded, so exciting, 'Sword!' (yeah, I went there, I've been thinking about this scene - you know the one - since yesterday for some reason)

After two computer malfunctions and a very tough, very sleepless night, here I am with a third attempt to write this post. The universe is against me today. Is Mercury in retrograde or something? Ugh, I just want to get this over with already. And I haven't even managed to see half the episode yet. You better like this cursed post because it's taken me two hours at this point, and will probably take another to finish - and that is if nothing goes wrong this time. Please bear with me. This is my reaction to HSMTMTS 2x9, take 3. Let's hope and pray it's the last one.

I'm normally [unpopular opinion alert] a very spoiler-positive person (it's the combination of anxiety and ADHD and a bunch of other stuff, I suppose), but for this one I've been refraining from looking at the tag all morning, so by now I'm simply bursting with impatience. But before we dive in, I need to get some stuff off my chest.

Some pre-watch thoughts and feelings (let's see how well they will have aged by the end of the episode):

Seriously, what is with whoever writes this show? I know it's impossible, but I feel like they've been toying with my emotions specifically all season. Like:

Ah, so you were a Rini shipper last season? Great, now we'll make them obnoxious and borderline toxic to the point where you actually want them to break up, but then their old chemistry will be back just for the breakup scene so that you can cry your eyes out over the one couple you couldn't stand - even though you can't seem to relate to a single song from Sour, we'll make you feel like you do for a hot second. At least it will remind you that you loved Ricky.

So you say Redlyn own your heart and soul? Great, we'll make you dread something going wrong with them for a week straight, and mess up your sleep schedule beyond repair over it. You're welcome!

We heard you said Rodfini give you life? Perfect, how about a big Seblos fight? And would you like a side of questioning your choice to stan Carlos with that? Because what is life without a little anxiety, a bit of doubt of your ability to read people, and a pinch of existential dread, right?

Ah, so you claimed not to ship Portwell romantically, is that right? Brilliant, we'll make you ship them and then we'll use that to torture you, too.

You've been excited about ABF and Asher Angel guest-starring ever since they were announced? Magnificent! We'll make you hate ABF's character to the point where you can't even look at him, and we'll make you call him names you thought yourself incapable of uttering. And as for Asher, you'll be left waiting for him until the last third of the season, and then you'll dread the possibility of hating his character, too. Do you love us yet?

Oof! Right then, I've got that out of my system. Time to dive in.

Miss Jenn playing around with the backgrounds is, like, 90% of the people who had online school this year, and honestly, I love that for her.

Wait, why is Nini first on this call? Are they going through with the Rose thing? Cos like, the song is nice and all (and, might I add, much more to my taste than nearly all of Sour, don't @ me), but if they use it, it will get them disqualified. They’ve been told that! Gosh, please let me be wrong about this.

We get it, Carlito, rich and fancy and over-the-top is kind of your thing, but have you stopped for a second to think about how others will feel about this? Especially Seb, whom you claim to care about. Seriously, though, I love Carlos and would not hesitate to die for him, but I’m getting the feeling that, unlike my other favourite (you know the one), he wouldn’t do the same for me. Oh well, he’ll figure it out. He’s just a kid. Give him time.

Wait, Milky White? Is that an Into the Woods reference I smell? Cool! If I had a cow, I’d totally name her Milky White (or Gertrude, but don’t ask me why). I just hope they don’t have to, like, take her to the market and exchange her for magic beans, if you catch my drift.

Ahhhhh, Caswell cousins content! We love to see it!

‘You guys are watching, like, old old movies’ WTH, Nini (or is it Nina)? Scary Movie is literally younger than me. But what do you know about it, you 21st-century baby! Ugh, I don’t know why I’m being so hostile today... must be the lack of sleep. Hope it doesn’t influence my reactions to the episode so dramatically as to make me forget how much I love this series. Because I do.

Yay! Big Red is here! I can finally smile. And did Ash just say they’re soulmates? Because yes they are! Ahhh my heart is going to explode.

‘Nini, have you heard from [Ricky]?’ Yikes, awkward... but of course, Big Red can be counted on to save the day here, too.

Ok, so that was a cool cold open. Time for some nice in-person scenes, though. I did not spend all of three semesters doing online school just to have the characters of my favourite series do the same.

Wow, Gina is really embracing that French accent thing! And I really don’t want to think about, erm, ‘Napoleon over here’ right now, but I really think the fact that she’s doing it better than him will be another piece of evidence towards my theory of fake-French!Antoine... ugh, I said his name. Oh well. Back to Gina. Too bad the French thing didn’t work out for her.

Ahhhh, Portwell with Ash in the background! And Ash is going to paint EJ’s nails! I feel like he’s going to end up loving that, despite what he says right now. But seriously, I just love how comfortable these two are with each other. Can you blame me now for shipping them as friends? Well, I mean, it’s obvious they will be more than friends, and somehow, despite the amatonormativity of it all, I’m here for it.

Wait, was that Asher? That was Asher, I’m 100% sure of it. And Gina said ‘a sign’ and then looked at him, even from the back... what am I supposed to think and feel here? I’m confused. Moving on.

Ahh, poor Ricky being a burrito... good thing that breakup scene last time reminded me that I love him, because the entirety of the season before that was very good at making me forget that.

Wait, did she say ‘the Bean’? As in, that Bean? The infamous Bean? LOL.

‘So the only time you two talk to each other is to gossip about me’ Boy, did I feel that. I once got my hands on my dad’s mobile and I... kind of went through his texts with mum. Yep, all about me and my brother. At this point I feel like they’re only together because of us. But this is getting too personal. I’m here about the episode, not to rant about my family. Moving on.

Yikes, looks like Nini’s got writer’s block all over again. Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I kind of don’t. I mean, no hate towards her, none at all, but that entire scene just felt awkward and unnecessary. And not just because it’s her first time going live. That I can understand. What I don’t understand is why the writers can’t seem to do anything creative and interesting with Nini. Olivia is being wasted there. Idk, that’s just how I feel. Again, no hate.

Ahhhhh it’s Asher! And well, he’s not Jonah, but I kind of really like him as Jack. I wonder if that will last.

So is it just me, or is anyone else not quite sure how to feel about Ricky’s mum? I mean, their interactions seem kind of awkward and strained, but that’s how it’s supposed to be given their recent history, and yet something just doesn’t sit quite right with me.

‘You there, Muse? It’s me, Nini!’ Ah, so it’s Nini again? I didn’t get the memo. Gosh, this episode is kind of really underwhelming. The most exciting thing so far (but not nearly as exciting in practice as it was in theory) – Asher and Sofia’s on-screen reunion. The second most exciting thing? The thought of Ash painting EJ’s nails. Everything else? Kind of ‘whatever’. Is this what I tossed and turned about all night? Totally not worth it. This episode better get, like, 300% better right this instant. It’s just not worth all the frustration and excitement and dread so far.

Looks like my prayers from just now have been heard! That improv scene was hilarious! Guess it was lucky that Miss Jenn had them do improv before this moment. But I need to know more of Jack’s backstory now.

Ok, so that was awkward! So Kourtney is talking to Howie again, I guess. And I guess I know now what Carlos did that was all public and no subtle. Still, what’s wrong with posting photos from your holiday? Guess I don’t exactly know yet what Carlos did to piss the others off so much.

Great, now I’m tempted to google butterfly faces. Good thing I’m not eating anymore. *** Ughhhhh this was a mistake! Please don’t ever look a butterfly in the face if you want to stay sane. Don’t be like me.

Ahhh the Duke sweater! ‘Is that your boyfriend’s?’ Well, not quite yet, it’s not... *screams in Portwell*

Oh, now we’re talking! But seriously, Ricky? The ‘my friends think’ card? Why don’t you just say ‘I think’? It’s clearly something you’ve thought about a lot. I feel like I’m going to love this scene or cry over it or both.

Ooh, therapy. It’s not just... basically the entire fandom... who says it now. Please tell me that means Ricky will be going to therapy at some point. Says the girl who is currently firmly refusing to go to therapy in favour of hyperfixating on HSMTMTS and getting back into the good old practice of having imaginary friends... yeah, I’m one to talk.

My, my, my! Seb has really had it now. I mean, it was about time, but... not quite like this. My heart is starting to do some weird stuff, I can feel it. I might need to lie down.

Ok, so as much as I envy North High for getting to see so many shows on BWay – basically living out my dream – stalking East High on Instagram and being shady about them taking a well-deserved break... just goes beyond all limits. I mean, if you’re so into Broadway shows, you should know as well as I do what happened the last time a certain founding father did not take a break. Maybe you’re the ones in need of a break here.

Nini on the call with the Caswell cousins, though... ‘I’m obsessed with both of you’ – first relatable thing she’s said or done all season. And EJ playing with old toys is pure gold.

Oh, so Jack’s dad is a pilot. Makes sense, I guess. I’m kind of intrigued by this guy. Just as long as he doesn’t try to come between Portwell before they’ve had the chance to happen, you know...

Ashlyn might need to stop swooning over Nini’s songwriting or Big Red might get jealous... I mean, I would not have pinned him as the jealous type before 2x7, but ever since then... I guess insecure + dating a girl like Ash = the jealous type. And although that looks good on him, I’d bet anything it doesn’t feel particularly pleasant on his side. So... wait, why am I talking about Big Red? He hasn’t even got anything to do with the scene at hand. But then again, there’s been so little Big Red content in this episode that I seem to be trying to make up for it. Still. Stay focused.

Ooh, so Big Red did edit that video! Is there anything my boy can’t do? Ok, now I feel like he’s even more criminally underappreciated than he was before. But let’s look at the video. I’m curious to see the whole thing because that sneak peek from yesterday simply hasn’t been enough.

That was... really, really cool! I love how they took the ‘when they go low, we go high’ line from last time and run with it. Now if only they were putting as much effort into BATB... North High wouldn’t know what hit them.

Hmmmm... I guess Gina and Jack could be what I originally wanted Portwell to be... really cool friends. Unless it’s one of those ‘airport magic’ things. Oh well. It probably is. Was that all we’re seeing of Asher here? I did not wait 2/3 of the season for this. Though it was nice.

Ooh, Ricky’s solo song... why is there more Rini chemistry in this song than there was in all the season? Not counting the breakup scene, of course. Also, I feel like it’s just as much about him and his mum as it is about Nini. Some say music is the best therapy. I think they might be right. And no, I’m not crying. You are.

The granola bar, though... this episode might have been very underwhelming in the first half, but... it delivered in the Portwell front, and the music was *chef’s kiss*, so I’m willing to let it slide that the advertised Seblos ‘big fight’ was not touched upon nearly enough. Maybe next week...

Ok, now that we’re done watching the episode, let’s see how my feelings from the beginning have aged:

The Rini breakup: apparently, along with reminding me that I love Ricky, it has rendered me unable to look at Nini. What’s up with that? If this is some sort of tactic along the lines of ‘Olivia might be leaving the show so we’re making you hate her character so that you won’t miss her’, it’s not really working. Because I don’t want to hate Nini. Believe me, I don’t.

Redlyn: ok, so there’s nothing wrong with them whatsoever - we even got a ‘soulmates’, which I loved - but first they’re being swept under the rug, and then the antis come at us with that ‘their relationship is underdeveloped’ nonsense. Individually, though, I liked them in this episode (even if there was a significant shortage of Big Red), and Ashlyn collaborating with Nini again was cool, but... what I really wanted to see was her painting EJ’s nails. Did she even get the chance to actually do it? Maybe next week.

Seblos: I’m still failing to understand exactly what Seb thinks Carlos did wrong (please enlighten me if you did catch that, I’m kind of slow), but he (Seb) does have reasons to be mad at him (Carlos)... and at other people, too. Still, if you want to have a fight between two people in a relationship, you could do much better than whatever this episode was. Maybe next week. I notice I’m saying that a lot. Guess I’m putting a lot of hopes on 2x10. I just pray it doesn’t disappoint.

Portwell: boy, am I happy that my frustration on this front did not age well! What I mean is, apparently they’ve decided to bless us, not torture us for once. Even a rather disappointing episode like this one had to have some sort of silver lining. And Portwell is it.

Asher as Jack: well, luckily I didn’t hate him, but... it’s kind of the opposite problem. I loved him and now they’re taking him away from me. Guess I just can’t win here. Oh well. At least he didn’t have the screen time to get in between Portwell...

All in all: 2x10, my hopes and prayers are with you!

Cottage Witch Journal Entry - Venting About Nothing Important

This week has been a bit....

On one hand, I've had blessings this week I have been very grateful for. On the other hand, I've had a few things that have just made the whole week a moment of "meh".

This is more for my venting needs, so the ranting and elucidations are going to be an expression. They may not equate to my actual emotions, so if I say something offensive or concerning, forgive me.

1. I am so grateful for my Boss this week. He has been very kind and bought me a (pricey) lunch from Longhorn for finding a file that had been missing for a day and a half. He then put me on another task to do, and offered to buy me lunch again if I could figure out the problem. I figured it out, and I think I'm gonna cash in on that lunch today!

2. I haven't had alone time at my place this week and have felt a bit disheveled. My friend broke his phone and needed to stay with me so he could co-use my phone and alarm. He's been extremely helpful, and I love his company so very much. But my anxiety on a man staying at my place is super high right now as my grandmother prefers I not do that and she's already upset with me. Nothing he's done, and he actually makes me more comfortable when he's there. I just need some alone time so I can do the things I need to do and take care of myself.

3. My Grandmother is upset with me because my friends dog, Tater, wasn't in a crate when she popped in yesterday. She found him on the couch (he's a tiny old man dog who is house broken) and is very upset with me over it. She asked me last week to keep him in the crate, and typically I try to, but the one time I left him out and she doesn't want him to come back over ever again.

4. My best friend has been life saving during these cold nights. My heater isn't working, but him being there has really helped keep me warm. Plus, he gives amazing cuddles and like the way he loves on me while I'm sleeping. He kisses my face and rubs me. I love this guy and he is my peace (even if I need space sometimes, lol).

5. I got to have lunch at Gators Dockside with my dad and brother yesterday and it was such a good time. I really enjoyed it and it's something we don't get to do often. I want to do that more, though.

6. My eating choices haven't been the wisest, and my physical activity has been a little less than what I want/need. I know once I get everything off my plate, I'll be able to focus again and really do good for my body. And I can do that today by making better choices every step of the way. If I overate this morning, it's okay. I'll have a clean and light meal for lunch. I'll go to the gym right after work and do a full body workout. I'll plan my breakfasts for the next week, lunch, snacks and dinner meals. And I'll give myself grace in the process.

I know everything will be okay. No matter what, I know everything will be okay in the end. But I believe this week was my very first week of genuinely thinking, "I want to buy my own place. My own permanent place where I am truly away from everyone and everything." It's my first jolt of wanting to buy my own house and move away. And I haven't felt that way in a long time. The impulse to just leave where I am right now and get out there on my own.

Freedom....

Well, when I start feeling like this, that's when it's time to buckle down and slow down. I need to take a moment for me and just....flow. I can separate from my body sometimes to do things, let my brain completely wander while my unconscious body does the activity for me.

I need to write out my schedule today to get my mind straight first. It's a start, but I need today to be the beginning of better days. Fuck Mercury Retrograde, I'm setting up better wards and protections now. Any suggestions on the wards or protections against mercury retrograde would be fantastic!

Do you think there's anything that can kill a 10th house stellium's ambition? I have a 10th house stellium(Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter in Cancer, Mars in Leo)but have honestly been feeling like shit lmao. I know 10th house stellium is known for being hard working and determined, sometimes workaholic. Usually I am very focused and get shit done but lately I've been slacking. I know Mars is in retrograde so is it because of that? I know I can't blame astrology for my laziness lol but I am curious

(Sorry for answering so late and also, I rambled a bit)

I haven't studied enough to have a definite answer, but! If you don't mind me speaking from personal experiences as I'm also a dominant 10th house person, this is something I've noticed that you may relate to.

The Mars rx has hit me REALLY hard, (I have Mars in 10th too) before it went retrograde I had a pretty clear idea of what I was going to do and started working towards it. I was super motivated and felt like I was on the right path, nothing could stop me... then the retrograde happened LOL. I feel like I'm stuck, I'm second guessing my career choice and I'm constantly drained every day no matter how much sleep I get.

You can check to see if Neptune is aspecting any of those 10th house planets as well. I have Neptune in 10th and it touches EVERYTHING so sometimes it's not that I don't have ambition or anything, I just can't figure out where to direct it because I'm so unsure about everything. Neptune definitely makes me feel foggy about anything. I hate it some days, dont mind it on others.

But something I notice about your placements, is that your work ethic is *chef's kiss* Sun [ego], Merc [mind], and Mars [power] ...it's no wonder you feel so down about it. I'm constantly hearing that Jupiter [luck] expands what it touches too, so you're probably really career oriented. You have a really powerful 10th house, I'm kinda (super) envious 😂. I honestly think it could be the Mars rx getting to you but also make sure to check your Neptune aspects. And check what house Mars rx is transiting too, if it's in the 2nd, 6th, or possibly 3rd that can be why it's affecting you.

I'm trying to think of what else, but I'm really not too knowledgeable so I hope this helped a bit. It doesn't hurt to ask around on other astro pages, I can make a list of the ones I follow if you're not sure where to go. Good luck, and stay persistent! Dont be too hard on yourself though, and if you feel you need to rest then rest, even if you feel guilty about it. The retrograde has been getting to a LOT of people mentally and physically, so listen to your body.

Spiritual Log October 27 2019 also New Moon in Scorpio Post

Subtitle: I wanna quit but my soul has other plans lol Also why it is important to clear one's self to help clear the mass collective energies

Hi everyone, the Scorpio New Moon is just a few hours away, and I hope everyone's able to set their intentions, wishes, stuff you wanna integrate or cast or manifest into your lives. If you have been feeling the strong, heavy vibes, well, that's partly because this is around the time that we need to become fully aware of who we really are, and releasing what prevents us from living the life we were meant to have in this 3d realm, thus the excess baggage feels in both the physical and the heavy feelings or emotions. Also we're around the shadow of a Mercury retrograde plus the intense Scorpio energies so, I pray we all survive. Mercury is gonna be stuck until around Dec 10 so... That's gonna be one, bumpy, tear-jerky ride. I gotta stocks some toilet rolls lolz but seriously, it is likely that more people will be feeling the effects of their shadows even more so, as always I suggest clearing stale energies, cleaning up your closets (like the real ones or whatever you're hiding inside). Mercury retrograde season may suck because everything, including your life just seems stuck in the mud, but also this is a wonderful time to introspect. Go within. Find the missing parts of your soul. I gave that one a go because my intuition has been nagging me lately, and I feel a bit tired but at the same time I wake up feeling refreshed, unlike before where even sleeping makes me tired lol.

I hope you guys won't get tired of me (or of anyone else) saying this same message. Especially those who have been clearing so much of the stale, low-vibrational and stuck energies in all of their subtle as well as physical bodies. This process can be very frustrating, extremely painful, it can even drive you insane. But the strong message that I have been getting from the Divine Realms has been this:

You are here to bridge the gap between the higher realms and the lower planes. To bring in the love from Source and transmute the energies that prevent that from happening. To clear off the spiritual debris inside of you, so that each time another person triggers you, you will have no reaction but rather gain understanding and give back love, thus preventing the cycle of pain and hurt from happening and decreasing the low vibrational energies that feed this kind of thinking, of believing, and of living.

Like for example, someone sends you an extreme hatred of some sort (oh glob, I hope you avoid it but in case it did, well, I hope this example helps). You have no idea why someone would do that. Your old 3D self would either get triggered strongly (aka return that same hatred to the sender, or send it to someone else, or just cry and let it dampen your spirits), or just forget about it, depending on whether you got affected by it or not. Until something similar triggers it again. It will most likely repeat until something happens and you start running out of options.

But!

Think of it this way:

Once you're living in a higher realm of consciousness and understanding (like 5D and above), not only will your ability to sense why the hatred was there in the first place get stronger, but also because you can see things from a higher consciousness, you can help heal and transmute this within yourself. Like an older person having an insight on why a younger person is troubled, a parent giving unconditional love to their child who has been acting annoying and rebellious lately, or even as a person who feels the reason why their friend has been out of sorts and yet doesn't continually nag them to change or return to their old selves because they knew that the other person must become stronger through an event.

I am just putting this out there because the fact that living an awakened life is like living in extremes (i.e. You either feel super high vibes and unconditional love from the univers or things just make you feel like you're in the deepest hellholes on earth). But after 3 years of my conscious awakening, despite the fact that so many awakened people and wayshowers and starseeds and lightworkers and gurus have been talking about the importance of clearing the self, the subconscious, the energies, basically one's entire being because by clearing the self you're supposedly help in clearing the entire collective too. But honestly, I haven't seen the spiritual community talk about how this works. So I always have felt bad and annoyed at this concept. It makes zero sense. Some of the questiins in my head consist of:

Why do I have to do the clearing?

Why am I even in this prison-like hell-hole of a planet? I wanna go home.

Great things aren't happening to me and I'm giving it my all, what the f*** universe, do you hate me that much? I am not allowed to even have a but of fun here? F*** you and all who aren't incarnated physically and feeling the extreme pain.

Or just simply the idea that when I am healed, others get healed too because we are all ONE. YEAH RIGHT. The last time I heard that kind of stuff was when EXO was still complete with 12 members.

Seriously, universe and Higher Self are you effing with me (also I am obviously fangirling here so you can let that shit slide, unless YOU know what I'm talking about. In that case, high five lol 👋).

But really, nobody said that spiritual awakening would be easy, and unfortunately maybe more than half the planet is already starting to awake and some of us wayshowers are still cleaning our own grime, living stuck in the mud and not moving anywhere, or just sunk in the deepest pits of depression and regret for even waking the heck up.

Right now I am angry at the universe for even keeping me alive despite the shitty life, the existential and desperate survival crises, and feeling cut off from the miracles that made me wanna spiritually awaken a lot more (and why I chose it in the first place). But a small part of me also knows this:

Dying is easy, living is a million times harder. And yet, what happens during the time you're alive is what makes life worth living.

I am honestly not in the best place to say that. I am still living in rock bottom but I am doing my best to live one day at a time. It sucks. But really, finding your soul tribe can help so much. Even a small cheering message from a friend can help you survive the day. And that is enough to get anybody going. Like walking a thousand miles through a long, dark road with nothing but a flashlight on. You walk that stretch step by step, bit by bit. Because you need to, and YOU HAVE TO. And that is the true path of the awakening process.

*Take a deep breath*

Gah, that felt heavy AF, I was just gonna post about how happy I was after going back to cross stitching but here I am lol. Still, I do hope that despite the content, any grammatical errors or typos, you find a sense of comfort somehow. This is not an easy path for us, and at the same time, everyone else will be walking this path too, long after we've moved on. We are all meant to awake to our true selves, all 7 billion of us here, but not everyone will be answering that call at the same time. Most will be ignoring it, a lot will answer and then hang up, and a fraction of us will answer, take a pen and paper and write the details down and process it later. Again, everyone will eventually do it, but at each one's own time.

I pray that you overcome all of the obstacles that have been preventing you from achieving your true greatness. And as always, may you find the healing you seek.

Forever with love and hugs from Source above, I remain your friend and Soul sibling,

三日月

Mikazuki

P.S. If you've reached this end after reading so much stuff, shoutout to you and your wonderful soul! 💗

P.S.S. I hope you guys don't mind me going off character aka going fangirl mode while talking about spiritual stuff. I am just that kind of person. Still sending you love though. 💖

Danie’s Dilemmas Ep. 2: Emptying the Bottle

I never know how to start these things properly when I write them... and it doesn’t help that the objective of this particular entry remains unclear to me. 

I’ve been through a whirlwind of emotions ever since summer began, and yes, that means more so that usual. For the time being, sad is the new trendy. I keep finding myself wondering too much about “what could have been” and all the “what ifs,” to the point where I think I’m insane for letting my imagination run that far. My head has been in the clouds much more than I care to admit. I don’t know... I guess I just feel stuck, really. You’re probably going to need some context for you to get this, so I’ll start with the person that has been giving me so many, and I mean many mixed signals (I’ll have you figure out who’s who, keeps things interesting). We started talking back in the final days of June, and since then, we’ve spoken to one another every single day and hung out a couple of times. Everything seemed to be going great, until the Perseids meteor shower, where literally nothing went according to plan. For starters, it was incredibly cloudy (and smoky), my phone was being tracked, snacks were bought but never consumed, he couldn’t stop acknowledging the fact that he couldn’t think of anything else to talk about (which I have very strong opinions about, by the way. I’ll get into that), and we came home far too early. Then the remaining of that night was spent distracting myself from how shitty I felt by calming a friend down on a phone call. I just laid downstairs with the big ass blanket that was specifically brought out of hiding for that night, eating the snack that I refused to let go to waste until I eventually passed out. 

I wanted to talk more about how he was so worried that there was nothing left for us to discuss... first of all, that was fucking annoying. I don’t think he understood how awkward it makes the situation when you say it out loud. I mean, what the fuck is so wrong about a little silence in between? Doesn’t that just signify that we’re both trying to think? You couldn’t have just discussed everything after one day, that’s impossible, especially when you’re with me. I have a lot on my mind and everybody knows this. Believe me or not, I don’t care, but the shit that I actually say out loud, is hardly half of what I’m actually thinking. It put a lot of pressure on me to quickly start a conversation so naturally school comes up (ew). This rant doesn’t even make any fucking sense. All that there is to say is that 1) I was kind of offended because I was finally starting to chill more around him but he was the complete opposite, 2) meteors were probably whizzing through above us but the clouds (which I love at any other given time) obstructed our view, 3) if you can’t think of anything else to talk about, couldn’t you have just naturally let a conversation start as opposed to stating it so bluntly? And 4) would you be a doll and make up your mind please? With all these mixed signals, I don’t even know what to think anymore, and the one thought that is comprehensible gives off the impression that I’m a narcissistic bitch. You can’t blame me for thinking that because we don’t know each other as well as I know the rest of my friends. Sure, we might’ve both answered all those 200 questions those two nights but do you really think that that’s all there is? How will I know who you are if you shelter yourself by putting on a facade that specifically caters to whoever it is that you talk to? 

Don’t get me wrong, the guy is sweet. But if he can’t trust me, and he keeps backing down, then what’s the point? I’ve been in such a constant state of confusion and hesitation. I told myself I would’ve let shit like this get to me but who am I to actually stick to my own word. You know how there always comes a point when you talk late at night, and all you feel like doing is spilling all the deep stuff, like the tea that has been brewing for a good 24 hours? Yeah, no such thing is possible with him. I don’t even know (but yeah)... this is such a shallow thing to even write about ‘cause I’m sure it doesn’t seem like such a big deal to other people, and I’ll probably think the same eventually. For now however, all dramatizations aside, it’s a little upsetting. 

On the contrary, I feel the need to shine some light on my friends. I have never felt closer to every single one of them up until this point. In spite of how small our inner circle has become, I love them all genuinely. I only really trust six people, if I’m being honest; so if you’re questioning whether or not I trust you, then chances are, you’re not one of them. 

I’ve been a real scatter-brain if you already couldn’t tell. I’ve had a lot of dreams lately that only partially make sense because they have some of my friends in them, but the setting is so off. Some are funny-weird, then the others (that is, if I told you) would make you go “wtf??” 

But uhh, back to the friends. I feel like I don’t show them enough how much they mean to me. And for some reason, I’ve noticed that we never really hug??? It’s such an out-of-the-blue observation. There’s also all this other stuff with high school coming to an end, and the whole scare about not being able to see each other everyday all of a sudden. College applications are already stressful enough to deal with on their own, so having to think that you and your friends are going to have to part ways for a given amount of time just really completes it ya know. Most of us are planning on going to the same universities, but others obviously have their own paths to follow and we would never want to get in the way of that. It’s just a fact that’s difficult to accept, I suppose. It gets better though, right? 

You know what, now that I’m just out in the open, and this whole thing is titled “Emptying the Bottle,” I might as well keep up with the brand. I hate how I always put so much meaning into little things, when in reality, I already know that nothing good is going to come out of them. For example, when a guy offers you their hoodie, laughs at your jokes, or calls you a specific name... I pay attention to those things like any other girl. Why do we always have to overcomplicate shit like that, when we know that our respective counterparts cannot be relied on to do the same in return? That’s why I often wonder what does go through their mind. Of course, not all guys are like that, there’s always that one amongst the rest that you can’t possibly believe actually exists because they defy all expectations. I’ve found someone like that already, but I hate that they don’t know, and I can’t let them know because I don’t want to scare them off. There’s this constant push and pull ‘cause you never know how they’ll react, but at the same time, you just wanna let it out because you don’t know how much longer you’ll be able to keep it to yourself. I’m just going off on the most random tangents now but it feels good to let it out, lol. Clearly I have a lo to say when it comes to all this. I’m normally not one to want to be in a relationship because I don’t believe in their validity, especially with everything about going away for university and potentially having to part ways, but the desire to be in one just sprung up on me out of nowhere, and I blame it all on my friend with her seemingly endless rambling in regards to “her mans.” In addition to that (yes, there’s more, I’m not finished), my belief in astrology is getting in the way... fuckn mercury retrograde headass... messing with my emotions. Why do the planets have to play me like that?? There’s so much more that I want to say, but 2am-Danielle has not yet risen. Oh god... now I can’t stop thinking about 2am-DRUNK-Danielle. Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. 

For now. 

keep up, will ya

i’m going to start off this post with an apology for disappearing again, especially before valentine’s day. i was trying to hold back from doing it so i could spend the 14th with you and finally ask you out on a date but my need to ghost prevailed and well. yeah. it’s been rough like it hasn’t been in months, (and i think you understood it since i haven't posted here in days) but i guess it is because i’ve been dealing with constant uneasiness? i’m actually not sure what’s wrong, though. do you ever feel anxious even when things are going well? like, you cannot sleep or focus on your work or do anything really because you’re too busy feeling overwhelmed? it’s horrible, especially when you cannot pinpoint the reason and so you end up just locking yourself away. we're going to blame mercury retrograde and not my mental health, tho. especially since sun and mercury are in pisces. 🤕 🤢 i’m sorry for being so distant both physically and emotionally and just... not being there for you. the worst thing about me ghosting is in fact not knowing what to say once i feel better. i can write here rather easily but the moment i have to dm you i feel awkward and guilty and i never know how to act... i’m not good at saying sorry but appearing randomly after days without saying anything makes me feel even worse, so i never know how to be. but anyway, that’s not what I want to talk about in this message. i needed to feel better the other day so i checked the padlet and found the message that you wrote a month ago… it hit me a lot and kinda really resonated with me. it sucks how late I saw it and I feel really bad since you opened up to me so well and idk, it’s like i looked down at your effort by not replying immediately, even though it was involuntarily. but i cannot just ignore it so here’s my (late) reply to all of that. first of all, let me tell you how much i appreciate the straightforwardness of that message. it gave me an input on how you have been feeling and it also made me feel closer to you, especially considering the fact that i can strongly relate. not gonna lie, I hadn’t cried (like, actually cried with sobs and all that shit) in months but i couldn’t even reach the middle of the message because i literally couldn’t see SHIT. knowing you have been struggling with these emotions is… devastating? to try and explain: it’s like the whole world came crashing down. this whole ghosting thing isn’t something i can actually get mad at you for, because i know how exhausting life can get and how comforting being alone can be. as you can see, i do that a lot, too…  which is why i make “excuses” for you. of course, when it gets to three weeks it stings and i do get annoyed at times . but it’s not something i will crucify you over? especially because it would be super hypocritical of me. so, please, don’t ever think that you’re “taking advantage of me” or whatever, because you’ve been nothing but amazing to me for the past years and i literally /know/ that i couldn’t do better than this even if i tried to. you’re one of the few good things in my life rn and if i haven’t gone completely insane yet is thanks to you too. and while i'm happy you do know that i sincerely treasure you a whole lot, i can't help but get worried because of you being insecure. you're human and like everyone else, you experience lack of confidence, and honestly i'm glad you told me about it. more than insecure, i’d say i’m way too paranoid for my own good. i often get ugly thoughts that try to make others look like they’re out to get me and i always have to stop, take a deep breath and remind myself that not everyone is trying to hurt me, but i also get those moments of "what if". what if i say this and sound weird or what if i talk too much about myself and make royal uncomfortable by coming off as vain. and there are times where i hesitate or straight up don’t post on the blog because i don’t want to burden you with /my/ emotions, so i understand that too well. but we've talked about this so many times: we both have to fix these problems, but you know it won't happen overnight and every single little step counts, even if it requires lots of courage and trust. i don't think you realize how happy it makes me when you reach out randomly or open up to me directly. it makes me feel trusted, worthy and useful, so please don't villainize yourself for being human and wanting to share your feelings with others. you're far from being toxic and you need to finally understand that you're not putting any kind of pressure on me and being able to help you, even if just by listening, helps me as well. we deal with situations and feelings that are similar and i've found a solution to my problems the times we've opened up to each other. but lol. that part right there about you being self serving pissed me off so fucking bad, you have no idea. when i say i cannot find a single flaw in you, i mean it. i know it might sound fake or exaggerated but it's true. you’re one of the kindest and most selfless people i know and it's hard to even imagine you as selfish or “self serving”. i want you to think for a minute. do you think you’ve ever done anything to me to get you the title of self serving? i have a really good memory when it comes to you and i can assure you are far from being that. you have NEVER asked for anything, you have NEVER made me feel wrong or treated me badly. obviously i don't know what happened in your previous relationship and even after * dmed me to befriend me and then ask me to deliver you that message, i’ve been meaning to ask you about your dating history since i don’t think i have ever seen you as upset as you were those times, but it felt like i was being nosy and out of place so i just sucked it up and moved on. ngl though, i have been curious about it. both because i want to learn something new about you and because i want to be prepared. i told you about keo and how he mostly affected my self-esteem, so i kinda feel bad for not knowing about what has affected /you/ in the past. folds hands. let me also add something. me being scared of confrontation isn’t an excuse for us to avoid talking directly about certain things. if we keep on avoiding any kind of serious talking 1) i’ll never learn how to deal with it 2) i think we’ll be missing out on a huge part of relationships and on the long run it will show. and i’m not exactly scared of confrontation. i’m scared of hurting you by saying something wrong. i get so defensive /and/ passive aggressive for no reason when i feel the mood shift and it makes me say really mean things just to get a reaction out of people. but i’ll never be able to fix it if i don’t start talking with my own partner. but still. you’ll have to be the one to bring it up if you want to because i’m still a scaredy-cat after all and i’ll never start anything. <3 you have also talked about me deserving better and it reminded me of all the times i’ve said you do deserve someone better and you said that you don’t care because i’m the one you want. it goes both ways, really. there is someone out there for me, even more than one person, but just like there is someone else out there for you too. but it literally does not matter to me if someone is waiting, because i don’t want them. i want You. you're the love of my life and my best friend and i seriously cannot imagine my life without you. i can promise you that i will be here by your side. we can be scared of being vulnerable together. LMFAOOOOO WHY IS THIS SO LONG I'M SO SORRY FUCK AND I AM NOT EVEN DONE SINCE YOU POSTED ANOTHER MESSAGE ON THE PADLET AND I WANNA REPLY TO THAT TOO. yes it takes me days to reply to one (1) singular message yes i live like this. anyway the latest message put me in such a good mood. your care package isn't here yet but i can already tell that it is going to work perfectly. but?! your hobby is literally naming pets after food or things and honestly? i respect that life. i still remember when you talked about wanting to get a cat to name it pancake. 🥺 i hope you took pictures of your friend's dog, though. 😡 and on god i knew something was gonna happen to you. kisses your wrist and puts a bandaid on it. the fact that you're still running around sleep-deprived and with a sprained wrist is so You. fucking sagittarius sun gemini rising headass. but OMFG I USED TO LISTEN TO THAT SONG WHEN I WAS A KID. you brought back so many memories. </3 while my baby was being a busy bee, i was busy being Lazy. my week has been kinda ok? i've been spending my days watching stuff on netflix but now i'm sad because i saw a possible spoiler of the drama that i am currently watching aND . I DIDN'T SPEND THE LAST FOUR DAYS CRYING FOR THEM TO PULL THIS SHIT. also since there is straight up a coronavirus outbreak in my region, all the schools are closed and the shops have to close down at 6pm so i don't have to work at the office this week! a win! kinda! if we ignore the reason why i can stay home! will that stop me from going out though? absolutely not. x today i went to the gym despite the warnings lolz and i even passed out so fr who's doing it like me! then i went grocery shopping and i napped for like 6 hours. i had an appointment with my old school's head master scheduled for tomorrow since we have to talk about uni and stuff but they cancelled it :/// so i'll spend my day maybe doing some work and Sleeping. anyway. this message is a big mess but  i mith you so bad and i feel so shitty for disappearing and i'm over being a ghost so! we're sleeping together tonight. :)

How I See Myself

At the start of another treacherous Mercury retrograde cycle - I'm just doing some self-reflection.

I leave my fingerprints everywhere I go. My handwriting on the event board at the bar I work at. Most of the procedures for my old accounts at my last job. Electronic files at the job before that. Mannerisms in my friends, ways of speaking in my inner circle.

But it's not always glitter and sweetness. My fingerprints have been like smeared charcoal, staining surfaces around me. The abandoned love of my ex's children, the abandoned protection of my other ex's fur babies. Baby... Jack died last year. I feel that every day.

I love and learn and let go as best I can. Say I love you before I leave, do what needs to be done. Say thank you when it's due and when it's just polite. I mind my pints and quarts, speak my mind against the unnecessarily negative - encourage the growth of those around me.

But that doing what needs to be done. I remember speaking to my father years ago, after his second failed marriage to the out of shape but endearingly all-loving women that is my mother and step-mother. Dad's girlfriends were short, skinny little things who went adventuring with him. So when Mom and Mom, and these women were lined up - I couldn't wrap my brain around it. My type has always been serious and shoulders, why was his type so fluid. It turns out they weren't his type. My mother became pregnant, so he married her and tried to make it work despite it not being what he wanted. My step-mother was a single mom of four kids from two different dad's, living off child support and her McDonald's salary - so he married her and adopted the two youngest. Did what he thought was right and tried to make whole was he considered to be broken.

28 years of his life was spent trying to make the people around him happy and see him as the American Dream of a father - six figure job for 35 uears, wives, beautiful children, hobbies that let him go fast and have fun... It's what everyone wanted then, what most want now - but he wanted it because his mother country, arranged marriage parents said marriage and children is all there is to life. Carry on our name, provide for your family, and fuck the rest. Now he's touring the world on his bike and living his best life, and I'm still Munchkin.

My mother, lol, she's my favorite person in the planet. Sure - she's emotional manipulative, constantly negative, sick beyond your wildest imagination but does nothing to improve her health in ways that she easily could... But she loved me. I was the child her doctor said she would never have. Half of it, anyway, after my brother died before either of us could take our first breath. But I was her favorite. I didn't have a level of entitlement, I didn't get spoiled and raised to be this terror on society. But I got everything I wanted and then some, she went without so often so I could go with - and it almost killed her. Stroke, leg amputation, multiple hospital stays, months in rehab spending her days crying and her nights listening to elderly people expire. Without the child abuse, she's a sad story and I was her champion. I mean, if you ask her I'm just Peanut.

So watching this evolution of a depressed father and a self-loathing mother - I decided I was going to love myself. It took me until the age of 24 to make that decision; after two sexual assaults and 20+ voluntary sexual partners, two drug addictions, a major back surgery, a handful of failed "I love you, let's get married"-esque relationships, and finding out I couldn't have children of my own from a teenage-yeared cancer diagnosis that's been dormant since it's original expelling. So I took the hard road there, leaving my glitter and charcoal fingerprints. For better or for worse, I cleared the forest in front of me to better myself.

But I don't feel any less lonely. I have a boyfriend who loves me, his son seeks me out for comfort and calls me Mama. (Or MOM if he's really amped up about something. Toddlers - what can you do?) And honestly, that child is all I feel gives me purpose anymore. I make dinner every night so he eats well. I do laundry every week so his clothes and sheets are clean. I go to sleep early so I can wake up with him early in the morning before work. I make what feels like 300 pancakes once every other week so he always has a "keek-keek" to go with his morning fruit.

When that small child is with his mother, I feel like I'm missing my heart. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to shower. I text his mother constantly so I know how he's doing and to hear about how much fun they're having. And then I'm rejuvenated when Monday comes around and I can finally hold him again.

I love myself to the degree that I do because I have him to keep myself well for. If I wasn't Super-Bonus-Mom, being away from home for 50 hours during the week and 12 hours on the weekend and cooking and cleaning and playing and teaching and doing things the right way - I wouldn't be giving him what he deserves.

My kindnesses are no longer so I can feel good about myself. Every step of my life is so I can be a good provider to him. A good example. And I just feel drained. I know this is going to pay off, I know he's worth it. But it feels like his parents are just taking advantage of my love for him - my partner included.

I'm just rambling and felt like writing it down. Retrogrades a motherfucker, and I'm feeling every inch of it today.

we are slated for magical times (and other updates, + my holiday party)

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

we are. we are slated for magical times. if you have been reading my blog post by post up until this point, it may be clear why. the earth’s energy is changing and hence has rattled and will continue rattling all of the people on it. for many of us, there will be relief in what the rattling is bringing to the surface: truth. for others of us, there will be despair in what the rattling is bringing to the surface: truth.

as I was listening to The Leo King recently, I learned that we have not been in this astrological space since 1284. here is his dissertation on that topic. the fact that our planet has not seen the kind of alignment that we are about to step into since the dark ages makes so much sense to me on many levels. on just a weirdo base human level, it makes sense to me style-wise. I have always been, but way more so as of late, drawn to dark ages and Renaissance styles. clothing, churches, music and art. this, of course, bleeds into the past life topic arena. my sensory memory of other lifetimes during / around the dark ages is high. with all of this in mind, there is a knowing within me at the most rooted level that the current timeline we are about to step into (the one that mimics the alignment around 1284) is representing some of my most powerful, happy and accomplished lifetimes on this planet. and as our experiences of time and space collapse (see the movie Arrival starring Amy Adams for more on this concept), and such is more palpable to me than ever, my purpose/joy/power condense into a linear awareness of what magical times are to come for me/us (those of us in truth). the difference between the “then” timeline with said planetary alignment and the “now” timeline of planetary alignment is simply dimensional in nature (I highly suggest Neil deGrasse Tyson for more on dimensions) as obviously we have left 3d (which is only what we can see touch and hear) and are moving into truth, love and conscious manifestation or 5d (what we may not see touch and hear but what we either intuit or interact with in an unseen realm i.e. internet signals). ok that is all pretty complicated I suppose and not the point of this post, but I had to throw that in there as a means for SOME kind of explanation. for more on that, check out my eBooklets because I go into greater detail in those as to the 3d and 5d variances.

but think about it. we are entering (for this lifetime) completely unchartered territory (and at the very least proven astrologically), coupled with some primal unconscious awareness that we have already “been here” before, long ago, and the OPENNESS around that time period, combined with the fact that we are in the most expansive dimensional 3d<5d (and therefore technological) space ever. HOW EXCITING. this is magic. love is magic. we are entering a love space. not because of the revelation of human detriment and behavior, but because physics. physics reveals all. human detriment and behavior are simply physics and evolutionary driven. 3d = ego and fear. 3d is where our planet was. 5d = love. 5d is where we are going. where our little spaceship is landing. as we all freak out and think the world is turning to shit when really it is NOT turning to shit. rather it is shedding. do some digging on the facts that I am not presenting in this post, if you want to get more excited about it.

as we see old concepts and detriments drop like flies, there is something replacing that void. for all that has been contrived and forced, it is now being replaced with power and sustainability. psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, physically and beyond. interesting things to watch change and “lose power” (p.s. true power never fades) are things like instagram models (honestly, I thought it was a joke the first time I heard that reference “instagram model” OMG. it literally did not register. it will never register for me. no matter how far we advance technologically. because it’s unsustainable. also I was way late to the instagram party. but to think that there are people who live their life via an electronic in pure 3d form and that’s it? with no tangible mission? — I feel very old saying all of this but it is true), fake companies built upon 3d physical appearance and suggestion only while missing actual substance and messaging, unsustainable (aka unkind or unhelpful) ideas, and so forth. we might think that this is all changing or dying (and trust me, it is) because humans are “waking up” — but it is because of our position on this planet in terms of physics. forcing us to expand. into love. into magic. RIGHT AT THIS TIME.

we are starting to crave goodness. at least those of us who are making it to our planet’s next destination physically alive. because the only thing that will support physical life at our upcoming destination point through time and space is goodness. we are starting to become less comparative (i.e. wanting what others have, wanting “fame” for nothing at all, etc). we are starting to become hopeful and craving about life and ways of being that we have never experienced before because they are joyful. it’s going to actually become cool to be kind. lol. but yes, seriously. and the thing with kindness is that it can’t be faked. kindness is typically an inherent quality that one either has or does not have that can either be dulled or fostered. we are fostering it. and it will be hard to tell which came first: the acceptance of kindness (not to be mistaken with weakness) or kindness itself. but I will say kindness itself comes first. not bullshit veiled in kindness which has been everywhere. but actual kindness. because it’s what is sustainable. acceptance and excitement over kindness are the byproducts.

we’ve realized that we are no better than the person standing next to us in terms of our “success”, money, job title, heritage or otherwise. even if we aren’t acting upon that realization, we do realize it. it’s what the compression of social change and upheaval over the past decade has represented. we’ve also realized that not all energies are created equal — and it’s ok. contrast is what keeps us growing and expanding. so if we come from an environment of evil, and we are not that, it is ok because we have expanded as a result. everything is relative. we know ourselves now, and we don’t need to match other energies — while knowing that each is equally entitled to its sovereign experience, with or without us, and for better or for worse.

I say all of this because it represents my streamlined endeavors next year. this is the forecast for those endeavors. and as I have been writing about, I’ve met my tribe already. this group of people could not be any better, and per alignment with Dr. Hawkins’ book power versus force, one light of goodness is worth more than a million lights of the opposite — this is what will make my/our mission possible. somewhat strong in numbers, but strongest in love and truth and hence the power of those qualities. no bots needed for this mission.

next Friday on 12.22, I am doing something that people have been asking me to do for years. and now just happens to be the right time to do it. I will be entertaining a large gathering of my tribe slash holiday party slash coming out party that someone is throwing/hosting for me (and this tribe). I met this person via my work and we will introduce our coming together at a later time. I realize that not all one or two thousand people I’ve worked with over the last decade will be there in person, but they will be there in spirit. some folks don’t live in the city. some folks will be away for the holidays. I also did not send out a mass email blast for this gathering. and I invited a handful of outliers who are not former patients but whom I feel are part of this tribe and the bigger picture. and on account of the fact that the physical space for the party will probably hold 200 max, it’s worked out perfectly! if you have not followed my social media pages regarding this event and want to come, please send me an email (only if we have worked together, please). I want everyone I have worked with to feel included. and there will be more (many more) events to come in 2018. I am currently assembling things like my board of directors, industry champions and many prongs and legs to a business which our human condition is ready to receive — a ministry of sorts, without the church, and with the sustainability to match it. by attraction not promotion. but we will make our presence known. here I go again with my cryptic descriptions. if you’re on board, you get the point and it needs no explaining. I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU ALL.

tomorrow (or tonight, depending on how you want to look at it!), we have a new moon on 12.18.17 at 1:30am EST. on Tuesday, 12.19.17, Saturn moves into my sign of Capricorn (YAHOOOOO!!!) for the next 2.5 years. on Thursday 12.21.17 at 11:28am EST, we have our winter solstice. and on Friday 12.22.17, Mercury leaves retrograde — and my coming out party slash holiday party happens! that’s a lot of stuff this week. for me, this week is a personal turning point and transition into a brand new way of life. this very weekend, I quit the yoga studio that I have been going to for nearly a decade (still 100% a hot yoga fanatic though! just a matter of geographical logistics now). I’ll leave out the details as to why (some of you will laugh because you already know), but this is part of the imminent change ahead. with great change also includes a total shift in meridian lines — this might include or be as simple as the physical way that we travel to work or travel home from work. or it can mean an actual move of residence. but meridian lines must be changed to accompany great change. sometimes things are just supposed to end. if we want to foster or encourage change, we might end something “just because” we want to switch things up. and, it’s like a workout — the body will adapt to a workout to the point where it no longer changes or improves because the meridian lines of said workout are so ingrained. it’s that way with all physical activity, flow, and relationships with people. we might ask ourselves where we are too ingrained, where we might switch things up so as to see clearer opportunities for growth and purpose. and if we don’t like where we are, in any sense, we are not a tree — we can MOVE. I’ve found myself at times like the elephant chained to the tree during its first year of life only to have the chain removed but still acting like the chain is there. it’s important to realize there is no chain anywhere.

for those of you with businesses that you are happy with, and mean something to you on a soul level, but which maybe have not done so well in the past (back when we valued bullshit like fake products and people in the press), know that that is changing and maybe it’s time to give your business another shot. a new look. a new release. because it is YOUR time. it is time for all that is REAL. all that is TRUTH. even if you sell fucking pens but you believe in those pens because they mean something very specific to you that resonates on a sustainable or loving level. go out and sell those pens and I bet you do GREAT now. I know I keep repeating myself, but it is so important that we realize what kind of a time we are stepping into right now — the cusp of magic, because love = magic. if you come from love, if you are love, and if love is your true core spore of origin, I promise that you will not fail now.

The post we are slated for magical times (and other updates, + my holiday party) appeared first on The Medical Intuitive Blog: Healing Elaine™.

from Trisha Gibson http://www.themedicalintuitiveblog.com/2017/12/18/slated-magical-times-updates-holiday-party/

I shouldn't still be talking about this but I'm literally crazy and this week has been a lot and the people I love most are really going through some shit and I so badly want to help and if I'm not in the right head space I can't give them 100% and they need that right now and I need to be there for them and I'm just sad and venting helps. (mercury in retrograde can eat a whole dick). my ex best friend just .... really messed me up and I can't believe I haven't even gotten so much as an apology. I understand most relationships in my life are toxic bc I have BPD, PTSD, OCD, manic depression and panic disorder (lol!) and I do a lot of really uneccesary/dramatic shit but in this situation I did nothing but love someone who literally took advantage of me all the time.... knowing I've been sexually assaulted in the past, kissed me without my consent even though I said no multiple times after they hassled me about it on several occasions, made me so scared to be around them constantly because of it, left me after I had a complete mental breakdown on my birthday because of repressing this so badly and didn't talk to me for weeks, and did a lot of other abusive things that made me feel like I was obligated to them and couldn't prioritize myself or my mental health and STILL I stayed because I was so convinced this person needed me and I loved them so much and just wanted to help and they literally turned on me the second I told them they had abusive actions/traits and tried to make me seem like I was a bad person because I was upset and like I'm 99% sure they probably check my shit and have to know my little sister (who is my world) just tried to off herself and ended up in a mental hospital and couldn't give me so much to check up to make sure she was ok lol like I genuinely don't know why I waste my time and I know I shouldn't be talking about this because it doesn't change or fix a thing but I'm just so sick of people and this world sucking!

private: queen of swords

i think i am at a time of mental crisis— you know it. the cycle that haunts you, that drags you through the mud

why are you so afraid of paying attention to yourself? because i’m afraid of what i’ll find well too bad, my friend you gotta ethics

if you aren’t doing the work of checking yourself someone else is forced to deal with the consequences

checking: mood is low, below low, something like -35˚C everything is tender and susceptible to burning solution: wear glasses for a while close your eyes and sleep a while

checking: the relief that courses through you when you believe your ambivalence when you can admit that sometimes sex seems more trouble than it’s worth but so is doing the dishes and if it matters it matters, y’know? solution: it matters believe. it’s a chore. but you love washing dishes.

(take a breather: i can’t believe i like washing dishes more than i like sex)

checking: i feel bad but it’s not a productive badness it’s a mercury-in-retrograde badness and everything looks like it’s moving backwards solution: check the truth of physics it’s not it’s not nothing gets to be apocalyptic if you don’t let it be queerness saves the world

checking: i love her i wish that were enough but it’s not, so let’s be the hands at the pottery wheel we pinched the clay too hard up at the top here push it all back down and start over reshape it back up learn from the mistakes solution: 外婆的道理

checking: i have faith it’s not fair to ask her if she does ask her to have it solution: ?

CONFIDENCE

C O N F I D E N C E

please you know what you want we deserve a settled heart this isn’t all your fault stop playing that game of fault there are no winners move on into the cleaning, the settling

arrange the flower in front of the heaven, the earth, and the person set the beauty forward there is always things above and things below it’s nothing sensational

take a breather

millennihilism

is this the hardest part, when the veneer wears off? and we got to see if it’s heartwood underneath or ply? The Secret History became a signal this morning i wonder what secrets we keep professor’s prompt: what secret can your character not even tell herself? what do I know? what do I not know?

the scariest prophecy runs in 3DXD the impossibility of it all she’s scared i might find others i’m scared she’ll hate me in all the ways i run pathetic under the tap the lover’s gamble: this full exposure in fucking 360˚ fuck technology will she still love me

a thing i hate: being told people like me i even hate typing that out the shame in my bile the anger: whyisitmyfaultididn’taskforthiswhydoyouthinkit’sokaytotellmetolaughatmetomockmeiwanttobeattractiveinaspecificwaytospecificpeopleandidon’tknowalotofsocialcuesinthismatterandiknowpeoplethinki’MALWAYSPLAYINGDUMBBUTI’MNOTI’MNOTI’MNOTIficouldstopmakingpeoplethinkiammakingpromisesiwouldbutithurtsyouknowitreallyhurtsforthistobemyresponsibility in all the ways the world can be queer i truly believe this is can be one of them and maybe that is just arrogance rejections are apologetic because a harm has been done with no one designated to balm the pain so you do what you can but. when it comes to a soul that, against her will, has come to believe the way she loves or doesn’t love is wrong it slices people who say “damn turn them down gently” then “wait, you’re going to cut them off just because they like you?” in the same GODDAMN breath

i want people to take responsibility for their own feelings i should be able to want platonic love without people telling me I TOLD YOU SO when shit turns more than i can reciprocate

i fossilize toward people who won’t give it a rest i know this to be True

maybe crueler is kinder

well, note to self, try it next time. everybody seems so god fucking convinced it’ll happen again.

c o n f i d e n c e

why do you think she loves you? confidence, emotional availability, dorkness

“I love you” spoken to fill the void is toxic you know this stop it

i think it’s the sex that really hangs me up i want to be good at it, lol very simply and i don’t necessarily want her to touch me resuscitate that stone-ness we got there before we can circle back around

can we envision an erotic she blinks a certain way, talks a certain way, cues me in a certain way and I know i hold her hands away i can give her what she wants (there’s a reason you’ve fantasized about tying her up it’s nice to know for sure you don’t really like to be touched) it’s all good it’s all beautiful

we can work this out

picture yourself, bright-eyed pup “okay i know what I want, let me run this by you.” sex is fine, but the stone thing has gotta come back “I did some eatpraylove soul searching, some poetry writing” i think the rise in her insecurity also has to do with sex (not to box her in or anything; i know the Person thing was shitty) YOU CAN DO IT, CONFIDENCE

CONFIDENCE

CONFIDENCE

CONFIDENCE

CON.FI.DENCE.

c’mon babe. :)

i like washing dishes better than i like being touched i like washing dishes better than i like making out probably but fuck, maybe that speaks more to how much i like washing dishes than the Sex™ thing

it’s the reading thing all over again you psych yourself out you know you can be calm, right? baby girl, chill out don’t overthink it. with confidence. like the inevitable. like a school assignment you were made to do but you never regretted you know how you feel about regret

run bunny run shoes off thirty crunches good bodies close her eyes move her hands

if you’re there do it with passion

it’ll be okay, it’ll be fine

The Metaphysical Importance of Monthly Periods (based on my own experiences)

Sub-context: I have been testing this metaphysical idea since December 2019 and so far I have some interesting and liberating results. Also I have no idea if anyone else in the spiritual and metaphysical community has already posted something like this so I am putting this long-@ss post here, to support other ladies who are still hating on having to bleed at least once or twice a year and feels like it makes absolutely no sense.

Some months ago, a healer told me I hated having periods. And I felt a bit touchy about it because I just finished my week-long bleeding and I saw nothing fun about the entire process: feeling pain in almost every part of my body, bleeding like crazy, everything that I start feeling just seems 100% more intense, painful zits keep popping up, and being an emotional wreck for no logical reason just tops the cake. So yeah, in a way, I do hate having periods. It’s like getting a dementor visit every month at the very least.

And yet after bleeding for about 21 years now (yeah sure go ahead and try computing how old I am in years, I am not even minding that lol) only a few periods ago did I just got an epiphany on how important it is to enjoy the entire process of having periods, and even coming out more alive in the process. It kinda sucks that I got the information a tad too late but if this helps more ladies who are still struggling on that aspect, I hope this helps you, or at the very least eases some discomfort of some sort.

No I am not just talking about the easing of the cramps and the tenderness of the entire body as it releases a lot of blood and linings. Well, not just that but more on the spiritual side of periods. If you have been following this blog, you’ll probably see that most of my posts are about energetic releases, shadow work, healing the self, etc. and most of these processes are around the same time as the full moon. You’ll see that my posts on full moons are mostly focusing on releasing things that no longer serve, since it is more beneficial to the body and soul to let go of so much excess baggage.

Energetically, full moons can either be a time to supplement aka manifest or to release, depending on how a person resonates with the full moon energy. For the longest time since I started my awakening journey, I have always associated the full moon with release as well as clearing, and the new moon for manifesting things. But during the Gemini full moon of 2019, I randomly did something that I have not done ever, and that is to tune in to my emotions during my period. Maybe it was intuitive, maybe I just got bored with the pain, or I was just desperately trying to forget this guy I got infatuated with because the connection just got cut and I felt nothing yet I feel guilty at the same time. So instead of focusing on the physical pain and the weird scenarios my brain just started feeding my thoughts, I started asking my body what it wants me to know. And I just got intuitive nudges to start clearing my womb.

Yeah, right, like it wasn’t doing it already. A whole lot of blood loss isn’t enough?

Well, I have been using binaural beats to heal parts of my body for a time longer than I have been awake, so yeah sure why not, I told myself. So I did, I found a womb-clearing meditation on YT, which was originally meant to heal the symptoms of PCOS but honestly I just listened to it to reduce the pelvic pain and cramps. I believed it to be so, and I felt a lot better after listening. I even get to sleep soundly that night, which is a rarity whenever I get periods because I get some form of insomnia or shallow sleeping.

But come morning and MORE PAIN CAME BACK. It just hurt so much more than it did the previous day. And what’s more is that I just started to release more and more uhm, linings and membranes, and that just hurt so much I actually wanted to die. I was off any form of medication so I wasn’t taking any painkiller, and not even my red tea was consumed. I was just drinking a lot of charged water and that’s about it. What’s even more scary is that my empath mode was more amped up than usual and I kept getting too much stuff, it was just too much, like a hellish emotional rollercoaster ride. There was just no way to escape it.

And I started to tell my body to get rid of all the stuff that has been anchoring in my energies and causing me so much pain. I also did a lot of cord-cutting (good-bye, crush-sempai lol) and cord-cut everything and anything that started to trigger my anger and sadness and all the low-vibrational stuff. I cord-cut the people who deliberately hurt me, the people who unknowingly hurt me, and the stupid things I did that hurt me. Just all of the painful stuff. I asked my body to just flush those things out of my body because I have too much stuff to worry about. By the time the full moon came I was already physically exhausted and I was so tired I actually did the actual spell-casting release ritual two days after.

This process of releasing a whole truckload of spiritual and energetic gunk was quite draining, but after doing the full-moon release as well as listening to the track to help with the pelvic pain and cramps, by the last day of my period I actually felt a lot better, and even more amazing is that aside from the cramps finally disappearing even if I was still releasing some blood, some of the emotional triggers disappeared along with it. By the time Christmas time came, during the Capricorn new moon I was still feeling the effects of the womb clearing. I was a bit more resilient with the emotional triggers, despite the fact that I was still being my empathic self. It was like the emotions don’t cut so deep anymore, and if I intend to release and cord-cut, it actually does its job. I was actually feeling the positive effects of cord-cutting, finally. It didn’t use to be that effective before, but a lot of the negative emotional anchors were like, 50% less effective and therefore it was a lot more noticeable when my energies were returned to me. This felt so new to me, and it made me quite happy, but still a bit doubtful.

I thought this feeling of release was a fluke so I tried this method again when I got my period on January 2020. I started setting the intention of releasing a lot of the emotional and energetic garbage and hoping that by the time my period ends I would feel a whole lot better. I also listened to the womb-clearing track again, daily, and again, my pelvic area started getting more painful cramps, again. But that time, the cramps stopped by the middle of the period, so even if I was still doing some form of energetic and emotional release, I could feel a weird sense of clarity. The even weirder thing is that I started to remember stuff that I probably stuffed somewhere in my subconscious. They were mostly the painful garbage and beliefs. I decide there and then to purge them out of my system while I was still bleeding the heck out. Once more, my body started to move out a lot of the linings and membranes and boy oh boy the pain just won’t stop. But I still did my best to release as much as I could, just solely relying on what triggers come up. I was also having anxiety because I have to meet some old friends from highschool and to be honest I was not in my best shape, mentally and physically. I just did my best to purge whatever has been bugging me, just to assert my power. I had no idea what would happen next, and I did not expect to feel something different.

Normally whenever I felt like being in a state of limbo and not knowing what I should be doing it just keeps me in a depressed state. But after my period finished, I started trusting the universe, a little more than usual. I was also feeling a sense of empowerment, I just went with the flow and started listening to affirmations, subliminals, the whole works. I started manifesting free online webinars which seem to support my intent of healing and improvement. The emotional triggers also started to loosen up and I was able to take back a lot of my time spent in ruminating in anger and envy. 

I felt so much freer than I was before the limiting programmings started.

I was so happy with the results, but again, I told myself that I need a third time of doing this in order to be empirical and be statistically sound. Also to remove the emotional highs and attachments of the results I got. 

Come February, a month later, my period didn’t come as scheduled. I thought it was that time of the year that I skip a month, so I just let go and enjoyed the extra time of not worrying about bleeding. I also started to consciously release emotional triggers, heal energetically, listen to more subliminal tracks, and I felt like I was really, really reaching a huge breakthrough. But then the Mercury retrograde came and I became a huge emotional wreck again. I started crying more than usual, and the triggers just kept getting stronger by the hour. It was like hell on earth 3.0 and everything just keeps crashing on top of the other. The more annoying thing was that all of the stuff that I thought I already dealt with came popping up again. The emotional triggers were super-strong and I just spent each night crying and crying. It was hell-hole everyday and I could just feel the need to end it all come closer and closer. But I forgot to do stuff and I got another intuitive nudge again.

I almost forgot to release all of the garbage that needed to go, so when I remembered to energetically cord-cut myself from all of the stuff that needed to be let go of, I just kept doing it. I also started to clear my room on a regular basis, aside from clearing my own energetic field. I enhanced the energetic seals in my room so that I would stop absorbing low-vibrational energies, and I guess it was 50% effective, which was a lot better than nothing. It just helped my clearing sessions because then I stopped absorbing other people’s stuff, so I could clear more of my own stuff and transmute them so other people won’t absorb anything. And with such stuff in my personal world, my womb got triggered so after a month and a half of delay it started wanted to release a lot of stuff. It did hurt a lot but I still did my best to listen to the womb-clearing track in the event that I was eventually getting my period, and two days after that weird nudge the blood and lining started. I’m like excited at this point because I felt like I could magnify the amount that can be released once I started bleeding out.

I was not disappointed.

All of the triggers that popped up I placed a strong intent to get released through my blood flow. It felt great afterwards, despite the pelvic pain every now and then. I actually felt more in tune with what I needed to release, so instead of getting angry whenever something from my past pops up, I just bless the event and release the heck out of it. The triggers kept coming and I just did my best to release. I even maxed out doing emotion code because of the mysterious aches and pains that came along with the period. The scarier thing that happened, well creepy is a bit more applicable, I was just sitting and listening to womb clearing tracks and some really painful areas would spring up, and I wasn’t even doing anything, pain would just come. I had to energetically work on those without moving, just to make sure that they’re not due to physical pain. Sure enough, after listening to the tracks the pain would disappear. For the stubborn ones I just do some kundalini yoga or just simple movement to move the energy out and they just disappear. I also started massaging the spots I can reach with some liniment. So far I am still doing that but I could manage it better than having to confront the emotions head-on, I just end up crying and telling all of my guides to just let me cry and fall asleep, even if my eyes swell in the morning. Weirdly I felt a whole lot better in the morning when I wake up, even if I can’t open my eyes lol.

Of course, the dark side of this is that pushing too much to purge more can really drain the physical body, and it also means that more layers get to be released, which one may or may not be prepared for. Because I wanted to purge and get rid of so much energetic garbage so much, I ended up releasing more layers than I intended to, and suddenly issues from 8 years ago and older started popping up. Those were even more challening because again, I thought I already dealt with them and then the emotionally-charged memories came rushing back in. It just felt horrible. I have never felt so lonely and out of luck and in despair than the previous months. Honestly the only thing I could do then was to ask my body to release everything that needs to be released. I already ran out of options and I just felt so cornered and disconnected to everything.

I just basically fueled my need to release with whatever emotion I was feeling at that moment. Feeling envious of other people? Release that crap. Feeling angry due to abandonment issues? Release that crap. Feeling sorry for looking ugly? Release that crap. I just did my best to keep doing that over and over. I also sent Reiki to myself just to give myself some ease. I also binge-watched some light language videos, did some japa chanting, started revising some of my memories, or those that I can manage, and started doing my best to enter a lucid state when dreaming. I mean, I was bleeding a lot and sleeping a lot so might as well get some work done lol. I guess it worked to a greater degree than usual because aside from releasing things in layers, I also got to enter the earliest memories that needed to be healed. Again, not a fun job but I am the only one who has to do the heavy grunt work and rely a lot of the energetics to the higher dimensional realms. I already ran out of rope so I just did whatever I could. The feelings of releasing low vibrational stuff helped me get some better sleep, and I was starting to reconnect again.

I may have been enjoying the whole purging too much, my period extended for two days than the usual. LIke, I thought it was already over so I thought I was OK, but I was still purging and releasing and listening to various tracks, then I’d get surprised by more stuff popping out. It did got a bit annoying but I just tried to think and believe that I get to purge even more that way. It finally stopped and I actually felt a whole lot better. A lot of my triggers also left me, so I just had to focus more on the basic emotions that needed to be healed. I felt so much lighter, and that was a week ago. So for this past week I just continued to purge and release, especially the horrible self-sabotage and self-anger that has been causing me issues for a long time. But I think that the most important healing I got to unlock is that I started finding out the emotional patterns in my DNA and the stuff I needed to release further. So instead of doing just 10 minutes of emotion code, I ended up doing it for 2 hours. Doing these also made me ran out of energy and got exhausted for two days. Not gonna complain since now it’s easier to see patterns and heal and release them. I just hope it continues toward the future.

Just to make sure that I am doing something substantial, I am planning to do the same stuff on my next menstrual cycle. For now I am just enjoying that a lot of the chunky and dense stuff is already over. Maybe I ‘ll make an update post after 3 more months lol.

To sum up this entire post: Release emotions and energies during your periods to make the process even faster.

If you reached this part of the post, congratulations, and thank you for reading. I hope the information in here helps you in your journey towards finding your true self and manifesting your best possible life.

May you become the healing you seek.

三日月🌙

Mikazuki

PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here. Thank you so much and be blessed!

Gemini New Moon x Scorpio Full Moon Energetic Message Combo, May 22 2020 (but can be timeless)

In a nutshell: Retrograde season is upon us, and everything that has been pushed in the backburner for so long are now coming up to be acknowledged. With so many planets slowing down, not only will the pandemic aftermaths cause so much havoc and chaos and destruction in systems that no longer work, but the flexibility or resilience of many people will be challenged. To the max. However, this is not an entirely negative thing as these series of events can give the whole world a lot of time not just to look back and reflect, but also to put closure on things that needed to be ended, even if it means diving down into the pain of doing the uncomfortable things. In everything you are doing right now, please know this: It is time to face who we truly are, and be open to accept everything, from the good, the bad, the ugly, and all that exists in between. Only by doing so can we be free to be who we truly are, as the Source beings that have always been deserving and so worthy of love. Hi everyone, how are you all doing? I hope you are all thriving in these interesting times. And by interesting, I mean it's kinda extreme right now. So if you feel like you're being wrung dry and have nothing left, don't worry, it's a mass consciousness thing. Plus we have a lot of retrograde planets such as Venus (love, relationships, and money), Jupiter (travel, expansion, learning, luck), Saturn (reaping the consequences of your actions aka karmic shits, and surprisingly, agriculture), Pluto (secrets, buried things that needed to be released, death and rebirth, changes) and by next month, our favorite retrograding planet Mercury (communications, commerce), and based on what each planet rules, it's going to feel like a white water rafting ride with no paddles, no light, and no boat lol OK I am not here to bring fear, because retrograding planets just send us a message on what we need to review, to relearn, to release, and whatever re-doing needs to happen in our personal lives. Yeah, I have to put a disclaimer here that right now, it is most prudent to put our energies on our own personal stuff. Why? Because at it's core, we can only control ourselves. We can only change our own self. True change is something that happens innately, and even if you thought you initiated a change in someone, unless that someone has imbibed the impact of your action, they won't change for very long. So instead of using up all of your energies and resources on forcing the world to change and then getting frustrated because you can't change the external, why not try putting all of those efforts into your own self? I mean, it's worth trying, if it's for your own good. Try a new perspective, see different viewpoints, put yourself in other peoples’ shoes? Enter into a new realm of infinite possibilities? If it doesn't help shift your mindset or your energies, or at the very least make you feel comfortable for 5 minutes, well, at least you tried. That's an effort that you made for yourself, to move forward even for a bit, and be proud that you did that for yourself. Not everyone is up for that, and you choosing to put efforts on YOU is a wonderful gift for yourself in this bewildering yet energetically funky times. Because change is inevitable, albeit even necessary, and as the law of evolution mildly suggests: evolution does not favor the fittest or the strongest or the largest, but rather the most adaptable ones. Think mammoth versus elephants. Which animal is alive right now, the fluffy or the not fluffy? Of course, as always, I am not saying all of these stuff sitting on a cloud. Oh good glob no. To be honest, I am not immune to this massive energetic shift, and the reason I was unable to make a Scorpio Full Moon post (my apologies) is because I felt like I was dying, literally and figuratively. My entire body ached, it was too humid that I kept getting asthma, and I just couldn't function cognitively because of anxiety attacks, for lack of better terms. It felt like a drugged stupor, I honestly couldn't remember how I even managed to survive that period. And it felt so dense and heavy, I couldn't complete the full moon release ritual until about 3 days after, but I still got to do it so my energies could clear and be a bit more functional. It wasn't fun but I just simply told myself that I needed to learn how to surrender and it's one way to do it. Despite the bombardment of all the things that I ever did wrong, the regrets, the painful memories, literal PTSD flashbacks, yeah if you felt those and you still have them, I feel for you. I have an energetic support photo below to help you fam. So... What can I expect from the coming weeks and months? Well, I am so glad you asked. The next weeks and months can make things interesting, some unexpected events can happen, people, emotions, memories, events can come back to haunt you. You know, fun stuff. Again, before you explode into a huge blabbering, cussing mess, please, please, let this be an invitation for you to grow into your best self. You don't have to go all the way, you can just try it out, be with yourself, ask what needs to be released, reviewed, redone, revisited, realigned, re-examined, or re-accepted, or whatever re-prefixed word you have lol

But really...

I was gonna write that same stuff for the previous Scorpio Full Moon and I thought there's gonna be a new message for this Gemini new moon, but apparently it's the same, and with even greater intensity as well as relevance. Just a discaimer, I don't watch energetic updates from others anymore, so I won't know if what I'm gonna put in here has been said by others. OK,this post is a combo message, and using the energies of Scorpio (with Pluto energies of death and rebirth) as well as Gemini (with Mercurial energies of communication and basic or foundational learnings) this new moon is giving us all a chance to face a figurative form of death and eventual rebirth by communicating with our subconscious, everything that we have buried and forgotten and lost and all that jazz, so that we can be reborn into our true selves, as children of Source, the universe, God, however you call your higher powers. We deserve such recognition, but nobody is going to do that for us but our own selves, so might as well start that journey now. It is a way to show up to the world, the universe, and for ourselves. No pressure to keep ploughing through though, just keep at it in your own pace, at a speed that allows you to move with changes without meeting any form of resistance. Just remember that with each change comes a shift of everything, and let me tell you that you don't have to rush, but rather allow things to settle in, otherwise your body will rebel, and that isn't the most fun. Symptoms can include bellyaches, gas, a lot of coughing or mucus discharges or respiratory unrest (not COVID-19 related), and if you're a lady having that time of the month, extra-bleeding (probably releasing so much stuff from the Sacral center, I know I did), and your muscles or bones failing you at some point. Just maintain proper nutrition, eat what your body needs. Also, really painful memories can also resurface, and if you can transmute them aka cry them out without putting any thinking, like literally just feel them out until the emotional charge passes, please do that too. Please do not, by any means re-stuff them back, the memories with charged emotions just wanted to get acknowledged and be sent back to source, so just allow them to do that. It's ok to express anger, rage, sadness, being petty, etc. as long as you don't project those energies to other people, because involving other people can make things messy, especially if you're asking for forgiveness but because they're unaware and asleep (unlike you who's awake) they will never do that. Believe me. So if you need more energetic support to make things more manageable and less overwhelming, there are lots of energetic healings out there, you can try one or try them all (ahem, ahem lol). Also, while you're at it, please drink a lot of water, stay hydrated especially when you're living at the latitudes near the equator. I was gonna type in more stuff but my flow seems to have halted. No biggie though, because I'm adding an energetically-infused photo here (my photo of shelf fungi gives me a vibe of a solar system lol) to give support to everyone who reads this, across all space and time. Seriously, these are energetically erratic times but you always have a choice on how you'll react. Whatever works for you is perfect for you in this time. 

Anyway, I truly hope this post made sense to you, made a resonance, or simply acknowledged any of the uncomfortable stuff that you have been feeling lately. If you have any questions, please do not hesistate to ask, my asks are always open. You can even ask anon mode. Thank you for reading this very long post, and may you grow into your best self. Wishing you all the best, Mikazuki

PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: [email protected]

Thank you so much and be blessed!

PSS. If you’re interested to get a personal card and energetic reading, for inquires please send an email or an anonymous ask in this page. Thank you! =)