There's merit in self diagnosis (especially for people without access to good Healthcare/mental Healthcare and because of stigma that can come with formal diagnosis), but TikTok has literally everyone convinced that they're neurodivergent because of behaviors that are typical. There's a reason why diagnosis has thresholds. Like, a lot of people are bothered by certain sounds or smells or whatever, but what makes it a sensory issue is when it's chronically disruptive or you need special ways to cope with how the sensation effects you. People will hear "sensory issue" and be like "omg when I was 5 I couldn't stand the way the glue felt on my fingers in class!" Yeah, that could be a sign of autism, or you... just didn't like the way the glue felt.

Neurotypical doesn't mean "automaton with no variance from the other automatons". People have different things that they like, that bother them, that they don't understand and do understand, that they are averse to. And yes, that can make diagnosis difficult, but that's why there are diagnostic thresholds.

Just like being afraid isn't the same as having an anxiety disorder.

Just like being sad isn't the same as having clinical depression.

Maybe you just didn't like peas. Maybe you just bounce your leg when you're bored. It doesn't necessarily mean you're autistic or ADHD or both. It can help you recognize that you might be neurodivergent in some way, but these are not diagnostic. They're just quirks, and anyone can have them.

Neurotypical doesn't mean you are a cookie cutter person with the exact same temperament as all the other neurotypical people. I see far too many TikToks like "Omg I liked to color code my crayons when I was a kid! I was so (insert diagnosis)". A lot of kids color code. You spend a lot of time in elementary school and daycare/preschool learning about colors and sorting. Those are developmentally typical things to do. That's why schools aren't just calling every kid who hums and daydreams ADHD. It's developmentally normal for children. It's why schools don't call every kid who is afraid of loud noises autistic. It's developmentally typical for young kids to be afraid of loud noises.

Further, not everything about a neurodivergent person is because they're neurodivergent. Their neurdivergence might affect the way they communicate or how they react or something, but they are still people. Just like there's a difference between a true concern (I am worried that my son has diarrhea today) and an irrational anxiety (I am worried that my itchy arm is really skin cancer, though there's no evidence and low risk.) Neurodivergent people can just like things or not like things or do things. Just because an ND person does something, doesn't mean everyone who also does that thing is ND.

I say this as a person with a lot of diagnoses. Self diagnosis can be very helpful. I knew I was OCD before anyone told me professionally. I knew I had PTSD before my therapist confirmed it. But you also have to recognize when symptoms overlap and they don't apply to you. OCD makes me feel paranoid, and schizophrenia also makes people paranoid sometimes, but my symptoms don't align with schizophrenia because my worries aren't based in delusion and I don't experience psychosis. (Although I'm aware that some anxiety disorders and depressive disorders can coincide with psychosis and mania, but these aren't things I experience.)

Also be mindful that social media makes neurodivergence and mental illness seem trendy and cute. I remember when it was popular on this sight to claim everything was an anxiety disorder. Self diagnosis can be helpful, but be mindful that it's not always accurate.

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Oh yeah make sure neglected people get love until that neglected person is a fucking narcissist. Cause all narcissists are bad. Everything I do is intentionally manipulative or maybe they'll say I'm not actually a narcissist and are just confused or supporting them cause I've been made to feel guilty. I've been on both sides. People will believe I'm a narcissist and so therefore I'm abusive or people will not believe I'm a narcissist cause I'm too nice and just getting caught up in narcissists manipulating me to support them.

I hate the idea that my self image is not by my choice. I will always be what OTHERS perceive me as. I have always been that and it will continue to be that. People will either see someone that can't do any wrong or someone that can only do wrong. Like stfu I am a person! I can do good and bad! I have a past of being toxic and harmful esp as a teenager cause I was a fucking mentally fucked teen still in an abusive situation.

I just. I dunno. Im waiting on food so I'm very like just ranty about everything and anything. But like. Stfu. Stfu stfu stfu stfu stfu. If anyone else is needy and needs attention or reassurance then it's fine. But I have had it demonized since my fucking childhood and had my fucking meltdowns demonized as being intentionally manipulative!!! I WAS A FIVE YEAR OLD AUTISTIC CHILD STFU!!!!!

And people praising empathy as being good piss me off. Cause you know what else can also have hypoempathy? AUTISM. Low empathy is not just an "evil" personality disorder thing. Anyone can be anywhere on the scale of empathy. And it doesn't fucking matter. And anyone can be capable of good or bad. It has literally nothing to do with narcissism or any disorder.

Like wtf are anti narcissists gonna fucking do when they realize theyve done harm??? Cause you know what being someone believing in narc abuse did to me?! It made me believe that i was justified as a victim of narcissists so therefore I couldn't be wrong in my trauma responses.

Yeah. Accepting im a narcissist did way more for helping my relationships by allowing me to understand and communicate my needs than believing in narc abuse and calling my parents narcissists ever fucking did. Wtf are they gonna do when they're told about the harm they've done??? Not even related to narc abuse. I would have horrible episodes and defended myself cause I wasn't like my abusive "narcissistic" parents. And all it did was lead to more fights and more episodes and my friend couldn't help cause they were dealing with trauma responses too (people pleasing, believing it was okay what I did or that she deserved it even when I told her not to say or believe that, it's a very lengthy explanation required thing.)

Anyone and everyone is capable of good and bad and is capable of harming others. Whether it's full on abuse, even worse things, or just being insensitive and thoughtless. Focusing so much on the big bad narcissists will only continue to focus on this "us vs them" mentality that completely negates any sort of nuance and ignores the fact that harmful people, abusers, and even the worst of humanity is ALLOWED by society. It isn't a prevalence of narcissists, it is fucking bigotry. And it is everywhere. And it allows abuse to be normalized.

Big list of things I been thinking on. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm already fucking stressed and my parents won't stfu so I can think and type. Disorganized speech, semiverbal, can't thinky think.

this is kind of a vent and a bit of a silly rambled story (ooo story time! but feel free to ignore it if you want it wont bother me)

so i have been researching autism and adhd for roughly a year and a half now and its kinda become a special interest of mine (wild i know lmao) and its actually how i got my adhd diangosis! funnily enough the therapist who diagnosed me for adhd and evaluated me for asd was biased and had no knowledge about adhd or autism... :-] pained smile

(im afab and my sibling is amab and the comparisons between our assesments is insane. they got assesed easily but for me, the therapist was reluctant and judgemental. a great start i know /sarc)

anyway the therapist told me that i couldnt be autistic because even though i scored high, the test my PARENTS filled out for my childhood was very low. i wasnt even asked about my childhood experiences when it came back with a low score. i was just brushed off and told that it was only my adhd and that if i WAS autistic (which im not, according to her) that i would be "high functioning" and that "high functioning" people arent actually autistic. not word for word because i was half listening in shock but the general idea is still there. i have no clue how i even went to this woman tbh.

i have since made a list and included evidence for all the traits ive had since infancy but my parents 100% took the therapists word and are now completely convinced that there is zero chance that i can be on the autism spectrum. fun fact i think theyre both on the spectrum as well and ive talked to my sibling about it too. its wild lol

the thing is i keep going back and forth between denial and acceptance thinking i may be on the spectrum and ive had plenty of friends both professionally and self diagnosed tell me that i am on the spectrum but i cant help but accidentally find ways to invalidate myself and my experiences. i dont know if its worth it to get a professional diagnosis or to just exist as self diagnosed because they both have strong pros and cons. its all very confusing but i can wait 2 years until im a legal adult so i can at least try to get an assesment from a therapist who actually understands autism

i apologize for being so long winded and for any gramatical/spelling errors but i just wanted to thank you for making this blog in general. it feels very validating despite what other people and my negative thoughts try to say about my brain :-] i hope youre doing well !!

'"high functioning" people arent actually autistic'

UGH I hate that so much. I'm not really a fan of the the terms 'high functioning' and 'low functioning' anyway because it doesn't cover how autistic people can be really good at some things and struggle a lot with other things (also known as having a 'spiky profile') and just 'high' or 'low' doesn't properly take that into account, and then there's the whole questionable use of 'functioning' but that's a whole other discussion....

I'm sorry your parents aren't listening. Since autism can be genetic, it's fairly likely they are also on the spectrum and never noticed the traits when you were growing up because it all seemed normal to them.

It's a very personal decision whether or not to try for an official diagnosis, but whatever you decide is valid! The important thing is gaining self-acceptance and learning what works for you. Good luck and I'm so glad you're enjoying this blog :)

Im Autistic

I was diagnosed as Autistic just over a year ago now. I have moderate support needs but I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult.

I was also given help at school but they just weren't sure why I needed the help. My parents made adjustments for everyday life like cutting out my tags in clothes, having a list of safe food, taking me out at more quite times so I didn't get overwhelmed.

I do a lot of the "sterotypical" traits of Autism but I feel that late diagnosed Autistic people who have moderate or high support needs aren't spoken about often and I guess this is my way of saying how I feel.

My assessment was confusing in the end, level 1 because I speak well but high support needs so basically in the middle. I need a lot of help in my dad to day life. I can't make phone calls without a meltdown but I was assigned a person to help but I can't afford them. Hospitals are funny if you email them even when you explain and having physical disabilities it's a battle to get both needs met. I speak well but most of my childhood I only spoke to my dad and mum about my special interest of communism, sociology and psychology... oh and cats! I still have a special interest in all of these including cats!

I have aggressive meltdowns, I have hurt before and I can't control them. I can't give eye contact and struggle when meeting new people. I need support. I do have a partner and he helps me all the time, he's amazing and supportive and helps me with my dad to day life.

I do stim but I am being taught to redirect my stimming to less harmful behaviours but finding fidget toys that feel right is hard

I use headphones as im sensitive to sound and always have been. This is a huge struggle for me.

I have around 100 squishmallows and soft toys but I wish I could have more but they cost a lot of money and being disabled you don't have a lot of spare money!

The soft toys I love! They feel so good on my skin, so soft and they make me happy.

I also happy flap as I call it, my partner says he knows when I'm happy because that's what I do and I don't even realise I'm doing it because it just happens.

I was bullied so much at school I have PTSD from it... I needed help with my maths as I have dyscalculia and I struggled in making friends so I was put in a group on how to make friends.

It's complex being diagnosed as an adult with higher support needs, not realising that all these people were already doing things in the background so I don't struggle as much.

I feel like I don't fully understand myself and I wish I could hide who I am at times. I wish I wasn't so obvious or didn't shutdown so people think I'm rude. I wish my headphones weren't seen as rude or that in childish to need communication cards or fidget toys. I wish I was seen as normal but I also understand the burden masking can cause for others. My only mask is a shutdown. .

So this is my experience as a late diagnosed moderate support needs adult and I think I'll post more as it was nice to get it all out...

i'm so exhausted in my relationship

we're both autistic trans men, we started dating when we were 17 and 18, we were in similar places in life, jobless, abusive parents, no medical help for our needs; we helped each other survive and fight through the tough cards life had given us and shake off the people who were causing us harm

i got my first job a year into our relationship, i've been working ever since then. we ended up moving in together 3 years ago when we moved into my ex step brother's garage. i pay rent and utilities for both of us, i buy our clothes, weed, furniture, gas, i pay for and plan all our dates, and he pitches in for groceries using his EBT card.

he was better at it before, but due to acknowledging his childhood trauma and autism and getting therapy, he's been regressing and struggling a lot with basic stuff. he doesn't have a job, he doesn't cook and hasn't been able to learn despite my best efforts, he struggles with chores, he doesn't know how to plan anything, he doesn't have friends (at all) because he's become super agoraphobic (he won't go anywhere without me), he can't shower without me setting it up for him and sitting with him in the bathroom, and his progress on getting better with these things has been moving at a snails pace

i come home from work most days to find him playing videogames and usually within minutes of getting home he tells me he hasn't eaten anything and is sick from how starving he is, so i cook him lunch and then later dinner and also sometimes a snack or two

i've tried everything i can to help teach him what he needs to know, but i'm dealing with my own autism, trauma, and physical disabilities on top of working full time, so it's just becoming too much for me to handle all at once without support, and that's not even mentioning how this has all impacted my social life :(

i know he's doing his best, im very direct in my communication and we discuss this sort of thing often, so i know his intentions are good, but man- i just wish i could ask him to make dinner sometimes, or to bring me a snack or take me on a date or do the laundry or like any of the normal couple stuff i see other couples do, it makes me sad

i'm 23 now, and i love my boyfriend a lot! we have so many interests in common, i love spending time with him, he understands me in ways that no one else seems to! but his struggles put such a burden on me and there's only so much i can do to help him, i really need him to see him want to help himself, y'know?

 

Hello! I have a Situation and its totally cool if you're not able to give advice but im looking for advice anyway bc im autistic and have no idea how to navigate romantic situations.

So ive had a friend since i was 12 her pronouns are she/they so i will be using both. Im now 20 and they're 21. I've known I like girls since i was 13. And shes pan.

So, in the past, ive had like fleeting thoughts of dating/kissing them but i usually just shake my head and think "nah i cant possibly want to date her bc they're my best friend, i just have very strong platonic feelings." Like Very Strong. Ive literally said that i will always compare my feelings for a future romantic partner with my feelings for her bc they're so strong.

So im honestly not sure if i would know if i was in love with someone unless it hit me in the face, and i am currently feeling like it has hit me in the face. I woke up at like 4 am last night from a dream just thinking "omygosh im in love with her" and ive been journaling and thinking all day ahout my feelings and im starting to think ive just been in strong denial/oblivious about my feelings. Both bc im autistic and have difficulty identifying emotions and bc im demiromantic and rarely experience romantic attraction so i dont have much experience with it.

I guess the point of this ask is about any advice you can give regarding knowing if i actually have romantic feelings and if i do,, like what do i do about it??? Should i tell them? We have a really strong friendship and i dont wanna make her uncomfortable. I think ill be okay not acting on my feelings but its been literally less than 24 hrs since realizing my feelings might be romantic and i dont know if it will be difficult to hide or what to do about it. They're also like my only close friend so i cant just ask her what to do like i would normally, which is why im asking you.

Again, i understand if you cant answer this bc its a pretty personal situation but i would appreciate any advice.

Thank you! :)

Ahh once again prefacing with the fact that I am really Not Qualified to give advice on most things😅 but I can give you my take as an outsider on the situation and with my (very limited experience) in case that might help you at all, but again really take all of this with a LARGE grain of salt i am a VERY unqualified stranger on the internet so most of what i say is probably nonsense😅

I feel like this is like my go to advice but I’d say just wait it out tbh, as someone who was in capital L love with their childhood best friend for a while it really just came down to time for me. It took a while for me to be sure whether the feelings were romantic or platonic for SURE. Especially since the platonic love stayed for me even when the romantic love began🤷‍♀️ it made it extra tricky to tell lol.

My ‘oh this is NOT just platonic’ realization came from YEARS of excessive thinking about them, WAY too much jealousy when they dated other people, a LOT of thoughts and urges about holding their hand, a lot of comparing them to people i had passing crushes on, and (i kid you not) an embarrassing amount of love poems teenage me wrote about them lol😅

However! The slow process and thinking it through also lead me to the conclusion that i did NOT want to date them. Being a couple just wouldn’t work for us and I value them so so so SO much as my best friend and really need them in my life as that separate, constant, platonic relationship that I deeply love and care for. It works better for us than any sort of dating could🤷‍♀️ not to mention all of our other clashing traits that just wouldn’t work if our relationship was romantic. And now I’m honestly really not romantically interested in them anymore, they’re just my best friend and always will be :)

I dont think it’s too unusual to fall a bit (or a lot) romantically in love with a best or close friend, I think the more important thing to recognize is whether it’s something worth acting on, that you’re willing to act on, and that will be good for both of you to act on

So I’d say ruminate on it! There’s no pressure to figure it out, if you start getting too preoccupied with it you can try talking it through with them, not even as a confession type thing, you can simply have a conversation letting them know you’re a little confused or wanting their opinion if you think they’ll be receptive to it. Best I can tell you is that there’s no clock on figuring it out, there’s no “right” way to define what type of love you feel, and to remember that either way you’ve got a great person in your life. I’m very sorry I can’t be more help and if anyone has any other advice feel free to leave it in the notes for this person! Good luck to you and I hope you find what you’re looking for soon <3!!

OH I WILL ! CHECK OUT THE VIDS WHEN I HAVE THE CHANCE.. [the horrors of having no free time nowadays] and. looks at you with my big autistic eyes. tell me more about benny? :0

YAHOO!! I HOPE YOU'LL HAVE FREE TIME SOON ALSO YOU DESERVE A GOOD LONG BREAK!!! STAY STRONG OUT THERE BOSS YOU GOT THIS!!! ok ok so benny AAUGH benny. AGAIN SPOILERS ahead. i guess it's convinient, he has like. probably the most fletched-out story out of all the characters since he's the one you control, even when rodriguez, who is normally the leader, joins your party. although in the rodriguez route benny doesn't reflect all that much on his life from what i remember. speaking of reflecting on his old life! if rod dies and the story kind of, goes how it usually goes, at certain points you get flashbacks to benny's life before the flash. he worked at a burger place with his friends (clyde and liam) where rod was their manager. besides the two guys he was also friends with a girl named amy (at least i'm pretty sure that's her name, based on the fact that a joy mutant called the same thing uses the move "familiar cry" which implies that you knew that person, but also in the hopeless (an in-the-works sequel to the hopeful) it seems like that childhood friend is alive?? idk i'll keep calling her amy it's shorter). she's stated to have friendzoned him and (as i interpret it and i might be a little biased as someone aroace) if im being honest he doesn't really look like he cares that much? if anything clyde and liam (the latter actually called her out for "leading benny on" once) seem to care way, way more.

^i like this dialogue (it goes clyde, benny, clyde btw) i think it's funny but it also serves as an example. he doesn't even get what they're talking about, i think he just doesn't give a shit about "getting their relationship to another level", thruthfully. ok benny aroace icon headcanons to the side, coming back on the tracks um. so benny's like, well he's trying his best as a leader if rod dies, he's pretty much the sole party member to try and support his friends and cheer them on. he tries to help lanks after what happened to him when they got captured by the lovelies at the beginning of the game, even though he doesn't exactly know how to do that. in, geez i think clyde's route? he gets shot through the eye, which either turns him into a joy mutant or eventually kills him later on. i can't for the love of me remember what happens in liam's route but he for sure dies, since it's not his route. in rod's route they just all die at the end. NOW. in benny's route at the sportsdome, he gets shot in the knee, lanks gets taken and clyde gets set on fire but survives (if he isn't joyed). they fight on a little more but both of his friends eventually end up dead, so he tracks the lovelies down and kills them. the final boss is in every route, a guy named hart, the leader of the lovelies. beltboy's run actually has one of the more difficult versions of this fight BUT what is interesting is that for the first part (before hart turns into a joy mutant, beginning a phase 2 of sort) liam and clyde actually ARE THERE TO HELP!!! like. in benny's spirit. this doesn't happen for liam or clyde, they're stronger because of their anger and grief, especially liam, but i think what allows benny to win is his kind attitude and frienship, which is really cheesy but idk what other way i could interpret that. THIS also. allows him to survive in the end! as five is relieved that he's approached her like a normal person and gets him patched up. idk idk he makes me feel so many things. kind of unrelated and again, i'm probably biased cuz i love projecting, but i think reading him as an aroace man like. makes sense. i see a lot of how i think in him. he does make comments about "getting the girl", yes, but i think that's more to like, please his friends and keep their spirits up or whatever. other than that he seems disinterested in a romantic relationship with amy, it doesn't bother him at all it's not sexual or anything, he tells five that "he needs a friend" when he stumbles into her hideout half-dead after the fight with hart. aroace guy TO ME!!

^me right now as we speak btw. more dialogue propaganda also

and he loves his friends!! ok i think that's all i can recall

big list of things that make sense about my childhood now that i know im autistic

not to be annoying, but this diagnosis makes so much click for me, and i need to get it down somewhere

i was an early reader, and a super advanced reader, but i had difficulty understanding complex emotional themes and characters in a way atypical for my age. on standardized tests, i couldn't answer questions like "what did character x mean when he said y"

i have aphantasia, and there's evidence that autistic people tend to exist on the extremes of the visual imagination spectrum (either none or lots)

i constantly got in trouble for 'rolling my eyes' and 'being a smart aleck'. the rolling my eyes was me flitting my eyes around because i couldn't make eye contact. the being 'smart' was me not understanding instructions or rules unless explicitly told. for example, i got in trouble at sleepaway summer camp (aka hell) for skipping a meal when i wasn't hungry, but i was never told i had to go sit in the lunchroom even if i didn't want to eat.

i was a picky eater. the only sandwiches i ate for the longest time were butter or honey sandwiches. for the record, sandwiches with plain white bread and lunchmeat still suck. bleh

i forgot about or ignored my biological needs. i used to wet myself and did it way later than my friends/peers because i either didn't realize i had to go, or i was so engrossed in whatever i was focused on that i ignored it

i had GI issues so severe as a young child, that i was put on prescription strength heartburn medication. GI issues aren't a symptom of autism, but they are one of the main comorbidities and i still have severe heartburn to this day.

I had meltdowns regularly when overwhelmed, over things my parents thought of as minor. like, coming home from a long day of school, or being 'late' to things we typically did at a certain time. this was described as me 'having a temper' or 'being dramatic'

i was extensively bullied and ostracized, for reasons i did not understand

i was taken advantage of in friendships, for anything from homework answers to being the fall guy for stuff i didnt do

when other children discovered they could make me 'explode' by pushing certain buttons repeatedly, they did it on purpose until i sometimes got violent. because of this, i was told there was something 'dark' inside of me that i had to learn to control.

the advice 'just be yourself' always did me more harm than good

i imitated the gestures, poses, responses, vocabulary, and tones of voice of my peers

i stimmed! all the time. i used to flap my hands and jump up and down, until that was bullied out of me. then i would pace back and forth while listening to my ipod

i monologued about my interests and couldn't tell when people weren't interested anymore.

i read fantasy books constantly, and couldn't tell when it was not appropriate to read.

i had an aversion to physical touch/affection, and even had a reputation in my family for it. they would try and goad me into giving them hugs. my mom said i was never comforted by it, even as a baby and the only way to stop me crying was to let me watch bambi over and over

i had terrible fine motor skills. i couldnt tie my shoes till 11 or 12 and couldnt use scissors until later

i couldn't stand certain textures of clothing, and any scented things at all. we always used unscented everything, and i wore a lot of boys clothes.

I had one comfort item, a stuffed lamb I took with me everywhere, and was distraught for close to a year when I lost her. she would often talk for me. as in, I would say what the lamb wanted or felt when really I was the one who wanted something or felt that way.

finally, i didn't play normally. instead, i arranged dolls, legos, horse figurines, or stuffies in elaborate scenes and then stared at them. often, i would do the same scene over and over for the same toys. i would pretend to do imaginative play or try to do it if some other kid was with me, but i could only really follow instructions.

In movie theaters, I plugged my ears through the whole thing even if I was enjoying it. I couldn't see IMAX films because they were too overwhelming, and would cry when I was brought to them.

I had inappropriate emotional reactions. I laughed at roadkill or at the can of smoke the priest would shake at my family's Catholic funerals, and often got accused of faking my emotions for attention when I was upset about something that other people said I shouldn't be upset by

Do the turtles have favorite foods? Or safe foods that they fall back on a lot? I can imagine that there wasn't a very large variety of food for them when they were younger so do any of them love it when they get to try new foods? (Looking at Mikey specifically about that one) Donnie gives me hella autistic picky eater vibes, but I also feel like none of them could afford to be picky (except Leo?) Cause Splinter would be like "eat this or starve" or something

they prolly have favorite foods yeah but ummmm i dont really. like food, in general. so i can't really come up with any food that would be their "favorites" rn.

but i can do safe foods for sure. i think Donnie mostly likes bland things. im blessing him with "oh my god there are textures in my mouth" disorder. he probably likes bland noodles and packaged food that doesn't change a lot.

i think mikey is less picky. i see him as a guy who likes food In General. mikey loves to try new foods and will fuckin vacuum CONSUME anything you put in front of him unless its something really weird like a hidden city worm-jello mold or something.

Raph isn't just less picky he's like. WAYY less picky, not because he doesn't have a preference but because he forced himself to stomach a lot of stuff he didnt want to when he was younger. he's killed and eaten sewer rats before, he's prolly eaten Actual Garbage too. I think raph prolly has trouble with spicy or more flavorful stuff tho cause he spent a lot of his childhood basically eating scraps and giving the best parts of the meal to his brothers, so he's just not super used to it.

Leo is probably the most normal out of all of them. he's got favorites and she'll try some new foods (especially to compete with Mikey) but he's mostly just normal about food cause he didn't have to worry about it as much as the others.

i just discovered you’re blog today and im wondering how do you tell if youre permanently regressed? i’m autistic + have trauma and always feel childish and drawn towards kids stuff. i also feel more sensitive than my age group + feel like my childhood never really ended? i also have chronic pain and when it’s v bad or i’m v stressed i tend to involuntarily regress to a very small age for weeks at a time. outside of that i always feel drawn to interact with stuff that i do when i’m fully regressed but i typically don’t let myself. does that sound like permaregression to you? also i have had dysphoria around my body since puberty bc i wish i never “grew” up and was still short and childlike. Also feel free not to respond if you don’t want to!! Thank you <3

Hello anon

It isn’t possible for me to tell with 100% certainty if what you experience is permanent regression or something else. However, the things you describe are very similar to what a lot of permanently regressed people also experience, including myself.

The only way to know if you are permanently regressed is if you feel like the term fits your experience. If it does, then I see nothing wrong with you using that label.

In case you didn’t know, you don’t have to be exactly like a bio child 24/7 in order to be valid as a permaregressor, and it’s okay and normal if you for example have interests that aren’t typical for your regressed age (this goes for all types of regression by the way).

It’s also okay if your regression looks different from the majority of the community. Regression in general is a very individualistic thing, and it’s different for every regressor. Don’t worry about fitting into a box.

1, 2, 3, and 12 for raz psychonauts

starts growling and gnawing on something i fucking love you razputin aquato

1-IM REALLY REALLY BAD AT EXPLAINING WHY I ENJOY THINGS I JUST KIND OF . DO. umm i really like how he Feels like a kid like . hes written As A Kid but not like baby waby but also not a small adult. he does things like impulsively run away w 0 planning, idolize adults in his life, squabble with his siblings, freak out about kissing a girl for the first time while also not understanding the emphasis on romance..hes so 10 years old i think..i love that hes a Good Kid and hes friendly and wants to help people, but he also like. he can be a little shit sometimes. a real stinker. kid that would fortnite dance after setting you on fire. also his autism swag

2-grghgfh mm probably id have to say . the fact that he soso genuinely Wants to help people. like. hes really nice to most of the other campers, sure he teases them and claps back when theyre being dicks, but he seems to genuinely care abt them..remembering all their names and little facts abt them even tho they just met last night..also he goes out of his way to help the thorny towers patients when he Does Not Have To. ik this isnt really an intended thing but if you interact w gloria Before trying to enter the elevator, youll still get the mission to help her. same goes for the other residents but gloria stands out to me the most because you Have to interact w her before talking to crispin. he genuinely genuinely genuinely cares about people so much auuu

3. GOD. WRACKING MY BRAIN. THERES HONESTLY NOT MUCH TO DISLIKE ABT HIM?? like other than ways that psychonauts 1 is a bit outdated . see the use of the g slur . but thats not a character trait of raz thats like . thats bc the game is older than i am. and like, faults that raz has. i Do Not dislike them i think they make him more fleshed out, like how he tends to lowkey ignore boundaries set to do what he thinks is right, i actually really like that it makes him feel more realisitic idk..so honestly i have no answer here, i love raz

I HAVE SO MANY ok the obvious universal ones are that hes autistic and a little funky on gender. everyone knows this i am not unique. uhh i think hed be Awful with pets . this is Not a child u can give a hamster to. i think he and chloe keep in touch after camp, i know this is just bc chloe is one of my favorite but i think they should be friends. i think. i KNOW the fandom loves the whole “raz finally breaks down” thing but i dont think this would happen im sorry . i think raz would be one of those people who think they had a reletively normal and untraumatic childhood until he brings it up to someone and theyre like what. the fuck. uhh i think he likes some typically feminine stuff like makeup and nails..i cant think of anything else off of the top of my head and i cant sit and think bc i have to go to work but raz i love you so much

ask game

open journal entry

just writing about Brain Garbage i had to deal with today.

descriptions of abuse at the hands of my dickhead father. (not to be confused with My Dad who is a sweetheart that I would fight god for.)

TLDR: I am incapable of assuming that anyone who acts like they care about me or enjoys my company Actually Means It because I had Basic Human Social Ques weaponized against me for my first 16 years alive. I am currently incapable of believing that anyone genuinely cares when they're nice to me: They're ACTUALLY doing it out of pity/civility/jsut because they're a nice person/etc and Not because I am a friend that they care about. I am also incapable of assuming that anyone that enjoys my company considers me special in any regard.

like I still have to fight off dumb ass thoughts that if I disappeared tomorrow, no one would care. There's also the stupid little loopholes my brain will find like "even if they DID care, its because youre their friend and they "Should Care" and not because they, on their own, considered you, individually, special." because minds are, infact, Stupid, and Overrated. :)

im working on it.

i have literally no self perception what so ever. that's only slightly hyperbolic. If someone doesn't tell me what they think of me, my default is to assume that they like me in that moment. The second anyone stops talking to me for awhile, I assume it's because they're bored of me. That it's because they no longer like me. They'll be back in a week or two, or they'll be gone forever.

I know why this is my default of course. i've been isolated, for 21 years, in the middle of no where, with no friends- let alone real friends who care, until last December. my abuser. who would, when I was 13 and younger- actually he never stopped being like this. I stopped playing the game instead. He'd act "normal" (loving, listening to me, joking with me, caring about me, being a father,) for a week. then he'd reset. he'd be right back to acting cold, distant, like I was an annoyance, a nuisance. Unwanted. I would have no indication of this beforehand (thats how this bullshit worked, if id known, it wouldnt have been abuse.) He ambushed me with being fed up of me, wanting to play and talk with my father, like a child WOULD want, all the time. it was always either very insidious words he could pass off as an "accident" or him "misspeaking" or legitimately, straight up, brushing me off. his autistic, loving child, who took that shit VERY personally, every time. I wanted, and i needed, routine. I still need routine to be happy. I know for a fact he used that against me when he lived with us. There was another thing he'd do to me. I'd read all the social ques he set up, and understand all the things he said, but when I later assumed I'd known right, he would flip around and say he never said that. he never meant that. and always imply that I was stupid for thinking I'd understood his Exact Words correctly. obviously, this was more abuse, and he was just lying. because he could. to trip me up. to make me doubt myself. it resulted in me never listening to a fucking word he said. Aswell as the lingering issues of me, still assuming, that I cannot read people. That people who act like they enjoy my company are simply being civil. Or that they do enjoy my company, but it wont last. They'll get bored of me eventually and then I'll never hear from them again. Or i'll hear from them again a week or two later. I know it's all nonsense- That it's all just, residual effects from my abusive childhood. That I'll unlearn it eventually.

But I cannot put into words how frustrating it is to be having an okay or fine time and then be blindsided by how desperate and lonely I was trained to be by a manipulative piece of shit who never loved me. Lied to my fucking face- his goddamn child, every day of my life while he was in it.

To be blindsided by how insecure I was made to be. The self-hatred I feel for things that are not my fault is so goddamn, suffocating. It's not my fault I'm desperate for attention; I was deprived of genuine love and attention for 20 fucking years. Sure I had my dad that whole time but one parent cant, and shouldnt be expected, to make up for an abusive parent. My dad is the reason I'm even alive right now. He's the only reason I never acted on any of my suicidal thoughts. But he couldn't fix the abuse that piece of shit inflicted on us both. It's not my fault I feel worthless and unwanted; I spent the first two decade of my life being told through implications that I WAS a nuisance and unwanted and worthless. It's not my fault I'm so fucking lonely when he chose somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no my age around, with no school nearby I could walk to- somewhere with only military families that would leave in a few months or retired people who dont fucking want to talk to anyone else and sure as hell dont make for good friends for my queer gen z ass. Let alone that we're in the south, and I am nonbinary.

None of it is my fault. I want to unlearn it.

I just want to believe that i am special to someone. You don't know how tired I am of the voices in my mind telling me that I will never be wanted, or loved, or needed, or missed when I'm not around.

How tired I am of being genuinely incapable of believing that I have any value to anyone alive, unable to believe that anyone would care if I was gone tomorrow.

I am exhausted. I am so tired, of believing that I am unwanted, that I am pathetic, that I am worthless, that I will never be remembered when I'm not in the room or around.

I just want to unlearn it all and move on with my life.

Very slowly, I am.

There's brighter days ahead. I've held onto hope for so long it's starting to hurt. I want it to be over and done with already- all of it. The move out of this wretched house that always felt like a prison, unlearning these nasty lies that were implanted in my mind to make me vulnerable to more abuse, the poverty, which is also the result of residual abusive actions. I can't tell you how many times my dad saved that idiot from making us homeless.

I know that these nasty lies are just that; lies. I know that I'll get a chance to truly feel like my friends and loved ones care. I know that I'll be able to put all this behind me someday soon and never look back.

in the meantime I am so sick of the thoughts in my mind rendering me incapable of believing that my friends genuinely like me. So tired of it actually hurting, to even think of letting myself believe that they care. Every single last time I let myself believe that someone cared, I got hurt. But that "someone" was the same person, every time. The people in my life now, are not that man. Infact they've been kinder to me and shown more care for me than he ever genuinely did in the 21 years I had with him in my life. That's not even remotely hyperbolic.

idk man, brain shit is annoying and bullshit and BOY do I want my mind to shut the fuck up again and let me live.

dude i will pay you to say more about autistic marc spector. fighting off your sister rn

*she runs off crying with a bloody nose*

omg ty gibs ur my hero

ALRIGHT TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE 'TISM. i spoke before about his body language and one scene i really love is the one with layla on the boat.

the way his hands keep moving in calming repetitive motions, the way he's looking at them instead of her for a bit (bc even those of us who are okay with eye contact still need to take breaks cuz it is Hard), the way he's a little jumpy and his speech is a little disjointed even though they're just chilling out on a boat bc we literally do not know how to relax (this one is especially common for autistic people with childhood trauma)

and you can really tell that he's holding everything in all the fuckin time like. you'll find this so much with autistics who had an abusive parent(s), bc we had to mask all the time for fear of attracting unwanted attention, it carries on to adulthood where we can hardly express any of our emotions properly bc we weren't allowed to simply Be Autistic when we were younger yk? like part of it is just the autistic experience of our resting face being like 😐 but then add to it a quiet, sad numbness so even when we're happy abt smthn it's just like a little :) bc we've been masking so long we can barely remember how we're Supposed to enjoy things yk? and like i've had to teach myself to experience things properly, i've had to consciously let myself flap my hands and make my funny little noises and i think someone should let marc know that it's safe for him to stim <3

another thing i've thought a lot about is how he seems to be masking less in ep5! and i think it's bc of the sheer shock of everything and how it's such a different environment and he's around someone he trusts a lot (steven) so he's just so overwhelmed he Has to lose it a bit yk? like compare the scene in ep2 where steven tells him everything is his fault to the scene in ep5 where steven tells him everything is his fault. in ep2, marc shouts, not incredibly loud, but loud enough. he kicks the mirror, lashing out but not physically hurting anyone. he notices the scarab is gone, yells, clenches his fists, etc, but he is still Tense Tense Tense. he's not expressing everything. then we go to ep5, he's gotten more comfortable with steven, there's no one else around, he's been having the most stressful day maybe ever. so when steven says those words, he just Screams. and he hits his head and it hurts but he keeps doing it bc the feelings are too much and He's Letting Himself Feel It. (watching that scene is almost funny to me because when i watched the moon knight trailer for the first time i did the same thing and then i didn't stop crying the whole day 😭). and then he's back in the office and harrow is there speaking gently and he gets something to hold and he's Quiet. and for me that is one of the only scenes where marc actually seems calm (or at least, calmer than usual). he's normally such a big bundle of nerves that feel like they're going to explode at any moment and in that scene he looks like he finally let some of it go.

anyway a different sister is distracting me now so im gonna stop here but please feel free to add on with any more thoughts you have bc autistic marc spector is literally one of my favourite topics in the world :)

hey this is probably a v common ask but if i were a system, how would i know for sure? im already autistic, and i suspect i might be plural bc my parents tell me abt what my friends say is a "horrifying and traumatic" childhood that i dont remember experiencing, they tell me abt conversations i dont remember having with them, i end up on places i dont remember walking to and i am congratulated on achievements that i dont remember doing or punished for things i know i wouldnt have done. i sometimes feel like i am in a fishbowl being carried around by someone else, or like im between radio channels hearing both at once and tgey respond sometimes and i thought they were just thoughts, like that was a normal way people thought but people i ask say its not normal. im sorry for tge length of this message im just not sure qhats going on with me

Oh you're so valid

At this point I'm going to go ahead and say that if you do feel plural or more apt if you feel like interacting with the plural community and identifying as plural will help you then you should go ahead and do it. Personally the fact that you're responding to your thoughts like that seems pretty inherently on the plural spectrum to me.

With the memory loss and dissociation I'd suggest doing some research into DID. If you don't feel comfortable diagnosing yourself with it that's perfectly fine but you should be able to find resources that can help you.

Here are some activities that can help get you started in the questioning/syscovery process

Try and get in touch with anyone in your brain. Find a quiet spot you can just think without too many distractions (you can do it other times but it's going to be much harder) and ask "is anyone there?" or introduce yourself or something. Because it's very likely your system mates are just as confused about all of this as you are, you might ask and get back an answer like "No one's here" or "I'm not real" or "I don't know" and if you get that it means there is someone there but they are very confused themselves. If nothing happens that also doesn't mean you're definitely singlet it's also possible no one is up front when you're asking.

If you have places that you imagine clearly when you picture the inside of your mind it's possible that you have a headspace. Something the sometimes works is trying to go there. What I did was meditated one night and told "wait til a house shows up" which was oddly specific anyway it sort of worked but I found out that I'm not able to see or move anything when I'm fully "in" headspace so it was mostly just disorienting I found out that I can physically hear stuff from there if I'm disconnected from front enough (really I have to be on the verge of falling asleep) but it's just as valid if it's solely a place you're imagining rather than giving you any clear senses, you can kind of tell whether it's you completely making everything up or if others are there/it's a metaphorical space because the latter just kind of...flows naturally? When you're imagining stuff intentionally that takes effort and conscious thought, if it's all happening to you naturally, people respond without you thinking of their responses or they make their own choices separate from you, etc. then that's different than regular pretending. This is probably written confusingly sorry this stuff is hard to describe.

Journaling! You can do this on paper or do it in a discord server created just for yourself (if you want to you can add pluralkit and people can create their own profiles on it and have their own icons/names/etc that way but that's optional) or something else there's apps you can use as well Antar is a good one but really you could do it anywhere you can write or type. You can write messages for other parts of you who take over, ask them questions for later, or you can do that to pass on important notes of what's going on when and scheduling and stuff. Basically, the idea is that you're copiloting a body with a bunch of people who haven't been able to properly speak to each other so you need to find a way to keep important information the others might need accessible.

Hopefully this is helpful if you have any other questions feel free to ask you can also message us if you'd like but no pressure to! Good luck!

FAQ about mun

Sooo ughh its dawned on me I never did one of these. Mun is 25+ trans male. He him pronouns please. This blog is pretty self explanatory its a ask and rp blog for Reno there will be gratuitous NSFW content as that's what Reno is all about.

Now as for...... HEY CAN IT ITS ALL ABOUT ME THE MIGHTY RENO. ALL YOU LOOSERS NEED TO KNOW IS ITS NOTHING PERSONAL BITCH BUT IM TOOO FABULOUS.

Alright so It's dawned on me might be helpful if we had one of these. Muse: Reno (has no surname but if people want one I go for Sinclair normally as thats what the fandom uses but I am well aware thats not his name) Age: 20's Normally I put my Reno 21-25ish but that is open to debate. In most rp's though he will be 24 as I like him on the younger side in comparison to other Turks. Backstory: Unless we are setting up a specific AU Reno works for Shinra, he has Amnesia of his childhood until he was "taken in" by Shinra at age 14 after he killed several men and escaped from a burning warehouse in Wall Market. How did he end up in Wall Market as a Slum rat he only had one parent who sold him for drug/booze money. DNI: I refuse incest*, dismemberment, anything to do with bathroom control or bodily fluids (obviously things like blood and jizz are the exceptions), forced shipping, and rape* anything with an asterixis unless it is heavily discussed and planned out for the plot is a no. Incest: If you have a twin's and want a two on one with Reno provided both twins are the same gender thats fine (think twins from Ouran High School Host club) I draw the line at different gender twins for reasons I will highlight in a moment. Rape: I am NOT OKAY with using Rape as a plot without discussing it first. If you wish to have it be a characters back story or have them recall it as a trauma that is one thing but I do not condone rape of any kind without it being heavily discussed before hand as a trauma or backstory, NOTHING MORE. Mun is a survivor of childhood SA/rape from a family member that went from when they were 3 until 14/15ish. As such I am willing to use this as a backstory element but I would prefer it to be planned accordingly. Blocks/Bans/no longer wanting to rp. Look you want to rp I appreciate that. Don't wanna I appreciate that as well. Feel free to reach out and be like "hey I don't like blank I'd like to stop our rp." Or "I need a pause." I will wait around for ever. Don't like me then ask me to unfollow or block me. Replies: If I have not replied within a 2 or 3 days at max please feel free to DM I am autistic and between the stresses of life and everything else namely work sometimes replies get eaten by tumblr and I don't see them. Timezone: Central Daylight Time zone in (Redacted) (GMT-5)

Sooo ughh its dawned on me I never did one of these. Mun is 25+ trans male. He him pronouns please. This blog is pretty self explanatory its a ask and rp blog for Reno there will be gratuitous NSFW content as that's what Reno is all about.

Now as for...... HEY CAN IT ITS ALL ABOUT ME THE MIGHTY RENO. ALL YOU LOOSERS NEED TO KNOW IS ITS NOTHING PERSONAL BITCH BUT IM TOOO FABULOUS.