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thephoenixandthecrocodile · 2 years

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The second week of NaNoWriMo is over and my pace of writing slowed down a bit. I’ve written 21K this week which means I’m still on target for the NaNo goal, as long as my pace picks up in the upcoming week. I’m also only on chapter nine, soooo scared about what the final wordcount for this book is going to be.

Feelings and Assassins

Plotwise, I finally moved on from the Vasily Saga and onto Part II, the Sinner Eaters aka my big bad Demon monarchs. Last update, I was struggling with Sophia’s inability to manage her own emotions and her refusal to communicate with her partners because of her fear that communication would ruin their relationship. Well, we moved on beyond that point, some secrets were shared, lots of tears were shed, and I think Sophia, Yidiresi (also known as Dmitri), and Vasily reached an understanding that could blossom into a romantic relationship again. Hopefully…otherwise I have to rethink a large part of the book. I wanted to do a tragic doomed lovers story but it may turn more into a doomed friendship/queerplatonic relationship, which still works. I think it just changes some mini-details and plot mechanisms, so I guess we’ll see how it develops.

After all the emotional melodrama, we finally moved onto hunting assassins who are hunting Vasily. I had fun drawing this questionable map of the theater where Vasily and his co-conspirators laid a trap.

Demons!!!

We end on a cliffhanger and jump back in time a few months to meet the Sin Eaters. They are three Demons who have proclaimed themselves leaders of the Demon people and are hunting for Vasily because he supposedly has a weapon that can kill God.

There is Rezan (one of his many names), who is the “king” and may be the first Demon aka Shardith, the servant/potential son of God who rebelled and was thrown into the Void. Or he’s just a talented mime/actor/baker who had the misfortune of being turned and is making the best of it.

There is Danijela, a recently turned Demon who is the “queen” and Rezan’s beloved, although I’m still figuring out how devoted they are to each other at this point in the story. Demons don’t retain their memories once they turn, but she has vague flashes of flowers and so she has a soft spot for father arrangements and plants, particularly the white tulip. She is following Rezan’s lead at this point because where else can she go, but I”m still working out her own feelings about what Rezan has in mind.

Finally, there is Yeremi, a recently turned Demon, but he is the werewolf variant of being a Demon whereas Rezan and Danijela are more aristocratic demons. Yeremi is coarse, rude, and extremely violent, but he is completely devoted to Rezan. He will literally do anything Rezan asks of him, even if it means bodily harm and death. Unlike Danijela, I don’t think he’s looking for more than being a Demon and killing.

Technically we’ve already met Rezan in the prologue, but since this is the first time the reader gets to know him on a personal level and get a better sense of his plans and motives, I want to get this introduction scene perfect. I’ve rewritten it three times because I just haven’t figured out the best way to approach the scene. First, I wrote it from the perspective of Timofey interviewing a survivor of the Demon’s attack, but that allowed Timofey to dominate the narrative around the Demons. I thought it was better to have the Demons introduce themselves. So then I tried to rewrite the scene so it was told from Rezan’s perspective, but something is missing. I’m frontloading all the details about what a Demon looks like and is, when I need to introduce the unholy trio and sprinkle the Demon specific details throughout the scene.

The one thing I’m going to have fun playing with is that there are three demons: Rezan, Danijela, and Yeremi and God has three “children” or special servants (depending on which religion you prescribe to): Amal Baris (always God’s Son), Shardith (the fallen servant/sometimes God’s son who creates the Demon people), and Death (sometimes God’s daughter who creates the Shadow people). In fact there are a lot of trios in this book: Rezan, Danijela, and Yeremi; Vasily, Sophia, and Yidiresi; Rashid, Nodira, and Turar; etc. It’ll be fun figuring out what it means and how the Church misinterprets those connections/relations.

So, that’s how my NaNo is going. How is your NaNo going? What are some wins from your first week? What are some of the challenges you’ve encountered? Goals for this week?

#queer writers #writers on tumblr #my writing #demon wip #nano 2022 #nanowrimo #demons #Rezan #Danijela #yeremi #writing update #nano update #writblr

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trickster-shi · 10 months

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Trickster’s Fanfic Update

Hey guys *waves*. So, I have the time and a little extra brainpower today and wanted to give you an update on how the fics are coming along. Due to changes at work and just life in general, I haven’t had the energy or creativity to finish part three of Rabbit Come Home, episode two of Into the Black, or the final epilogue story for Home Across the Universe. I haven’t even had the wherewithal to reply to all the wonderful comments that have been left on the stories, and I really hate that.

But! There is hope on the horizon and no, I have not given up on any of the stories, they may just take a little longer to get finished and posted than they used to. Read below for specifics about what I’m working on.

The first update you’ll get will likely be the third and final part of Rabbit Come Home since it’s the most put together. At present, the third installment is sitting at 14,500 words and I have the remaining scenes outlined, so I’m hoping to finish it by the end of next month. It will probably end up being around 20k-30k long. I got stuck with that one for a while but I figured out why and fixed it, so the writing has been coming along easier lately for it.

Episode Two of Into The Black is being rewritten. I lost the first draft and most of my notes for it, I’ll have to rebuild it from memory. So that’s been slow going and is on the back burner for now because I’m tired and irritated with it. Not enough to abandon it, though. I’m still excited for what I wanted to do with it.

The epilogue story for Home Across the Universe is a bit trickier. I’ve written around four half drafts for it and none worked, which has been supremely irritating. This one will require some in depth brainstorming and I’ll be able to tackle it better once Rabbit Come Home is finished. No idea how fast I’ll be able to get it on track. I think the main problem is that I have a bunch of different scenes I want to write but nothing that interconnects them at the moment. I am also on the fence about adding an antagonist/villain or keeping it as a fluffy slice of life and letting that poor version of Stiles enjoy his well earned happy ending. What would you guys like to see?

Beyond that, my central priority is getting the first draft of an original story I’m currently writing for July’s Camp NaNo that I hope to publish by the end of the year. So. Yeah, that’s a lot of pressure and the brain energy situation has not been helping with that. Also, having fics left unfinished nags at me like nothing else, so it’s been difficult to juggle everything.

I’m thinking I may try to do more regular updates like this on my fics if I can, including the original ones I intend to publish, brain energy willing. So keep an eye out for those. I figure, maybe once a week? Or more, if it happens to be a good brain week? I dunno, we’ll see.

#writing #teen wolf #shi speaks #trickster’s fics #trickster’s original stuff #fic update

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inkweaver22-blr · 3 years

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Welcome to chapter nine! This one was meant to just be another filler with one of my own AU’s, but Tang just had to be introspective and have a moment of character growth. Hope you enjoy!

EDIT: This chapter has been edited to include some new info dropped on the same day I originally posted this! More info in the End Notes!

AO3 Link

Scattered Cicadas - Chapter Nine: Rocks and Roles

Tang knows how to act. That doesn't mean he likes to play every part.

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Tang liked to think of himself as a decent actor, at least back in the original timeline. He had been part of the theater class in high school and telling stories required a bit of a dramatic flair if you wanted to keep your audience entertained. Convincing Pigsy he was a popular food critic hadn’t been too hard back then.

The many cycles he had been through had certainly helped polish his skill into a genuine talent. That one time where he and everyone else had been professional actors playing the roles of themselves from the original timeline as part of a show had especially allowed him to hone himself to a greater degree than before.

Being stuck jumping through time had practically made it a necessity.

It wasn’t that Tang enjoyed what was essentially lying to his family. It was more for their protection. He had almost broken the “No Interference” rule a few times when he hadn’t properly reacted to events that, while shocking or upsetting to his family, were simply part of his routine by now. He couldn’t allow the repetitive nature of the cycles to make him slip up and potentially cause more harm by being confronted by his lack of surprise or fear.

So he acted. He gasped at all the right moments or screamed in fear when in danger. Every laugh, every sigh of exasperation, every freak out over something related to Wukong was perfectly performed so as to not to raise suspicion. So long as the proper reaction occurred in response to the correct effect, everything went smoothly.

It wasn’t too hard or taxing as he never needed to fake his enjoyment of being around his family. Luckily for him, he also didn’t have to act exactly as he had been in the original timeline, or he may have gone insane from the monotony of it.

The cycles where his background was entirely rewritten were blessings in disguise, really. They were new. Fresh experiences for Tang to have and not have to work as hard to realistically react to.

He treated them like a method acting exercise. The new memories as part of Tang’s new backstory was the motivation for the ‘character’ he was playing. He didn’t have to fully adhere to them, but they certainly helped him play the role provided to him for the cycle.

He still disliked playing the villain however.

It happened a few times before already. The most notable had been when Zhu Bajie was in the role of Sun Wukong as MK’s mentor.

Tang shuddered at the memory of that timeline.

Saying that version of him had been unhinged was severely downplaying the many atrocities he had performed on both himself and others. Committing suicide to erase his name from the books of the dead, killing demons to absorb their lifeforce, and cutting open his own chest to manually insert the gem holding that lifeforce into himself for power were simply the tamer actions he had committed.

He supposed that heartbreak, jealousy, and internalized insecurities could drive even the most benign people to madness so long as they properly justified their actions to themselves.

It had been the first time in quite a while that Tang seriously considered intentionally breaking the interference rule and just running off to live in solitude for the entire cycle. Getting “redeemed” had been one of the most difficult things he had tried to pull off.

Tang dodged a swipe from the Monkey King’s staff as he was brought back into the present.

He was the villain once again this cycle. Luckily though, he was much less of a threat to his family this time around.

He was replacing Red Son as the demon child of Demon Bull King and Princess Iron Fan.

Tang, Son of the Earth.

He wasn’t the only one who was switched around. Pigsy, who went by Bajie, was a human who had become Wukong’s successor. MK was a boar demon who ran the noodle shop. Red Son was a scientist and engineer who frequented the restaurant.

It was almost an opposite reflection of the cycle he had just been musing about.

“You’ll have to do better than that, noodle boy,” Tang taunted as he swung his arms to pull chunks of stone from the ground, his hands and the Earth he controlled both glowing with a golden-yellow light.

He supposed that it made sense for him to have some sort of elemental power if he was this timeline’s Red Son. Earth fit as he had certainly mellowed out over the course of the cycles, becoming more focused and self assured. His original self would have most certainly been associated with air with how flighty he had been.

Tang made sure to keep his full concentration as he attacked Bajie. Earth may be the element of the sturdy, but it had the potential to be much more volatile than fire. It was easy to let loose and cause a catastrophic earthquake. It took precision to control smaller pieces of rock without causing too much collateral damage.

Bajie batted away the earthen projectiles with ease and rushed into an opening Tang had intentionally left. He had to do his best to not rely on the fighting skills he had from previous cycles and use only what his memories knew when playing a villain. Otherwise he’d easily beat the fledgling hero and that certainly would be treated as interfering.

Tang winced as the staff connected with his ribs and sent him flying. He coughed as he pulled himself up, holding his injured side as he glared at the now smirking Bajie.

“How’s that for better!”

“This isn’t over,” Tang cried out dramatically. He activated his powers, this time summoning a whirlwind of sand to teleport away.

Another scene as the villain successfully played out.

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Tang sat in his workshop, calculating the specific size of a rune circle he would need.

It seemed that similarly to how Red Son was a genius that incorporated magic into science, this version of Tang was one who incorporated science into magic. Not a big distinction, but important in how the process worked. It still took an impressive amount of knowledge on both subjects to work them together in the end.

Setting his pen down to take a break, Tang looked around as he stretched. He caught his reflection in a nearby piece of metal machinery he had been fiddling with and examined himself once again.

He didn’t look too different from his human self, his face remaining the same. His hair was now a dark brown with yellow highlights and his glasses were much smaller. The biggest difference were the bull horns sticking out of the side of his head.

He didn’t mind them too much, but having to give up any pull over shirt for button downs was a hassle.

Looking at his horns lead the demon scholar to think about his parents in this timeline.

Demon Bull King and Princess Iron Fan.

Tang frowned as he recalled the less than comforting welcome he had received after returning from his defeat. The disapproving dismissal from his father and scathing taunts from his mother had been demoralizing. It would have hurt more if he hadn't had the years of time jumping behind him.

If this was how Red Son was commonly treated, it was no wonder he worked hard in everything he did just to gain a scrap of approval and praise.

And yet he knew they loved each other. The moments he noticed didn’t happen often, but he could tell that his parents held some affection for him, and he obviously cared for them. He just didn’t understand why they acted so cruelly to one another.

Was it a demon thing? Were they afraid that by showing their love they were showing weakness?

That was certainly possible, but Tang disagreed with the sentiment. He had been through enough cycles to see that love made one stronger. It wasn’t the weakness their enemies thought it was.

Tang was already planning on becoming redeemed in this cycle. It hurt to think his parents would disown him, but what if that didn’t have to happen?

He thought about that one specific cycle and how he had become so twisted. All of it could have been avoided had his past self simply let go of his long held beliefs and went with Bajie.

Now he just had to make two powerful demons do just that.

Tang was an amazing actor.

He also had many years of watching the people around him and knew most of them almost better than they knew themselves.

His current parents were no exception.

He could see the potential for a loving and healthy family, buried just beneath the surface.

It would take some work, but he was sure he could unearth it and polish that potential until it shined.

With renewed energy, Tang pulled out a blank scroll and began planning.

He had a family to save.

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Welcome to what I’m calling the Noodle Swap AU! It is named that way because the only change is that the pairs that make up the two most popular noodle ships (SpicyNoodles and FreeNoodles) swap places!

Shout out to @winterpower98 for their amazing Actor AU and Dad Swap AU mentioned in this chapter! Go check them out!

Yes, yes, I know I’ve basically made Tang here Terra from Teen Titans. Most people would give him Air as an element, but 1) we already have an Air user in Princess Iron Fan and 2) Tang has changed quite a bit since the start of this Time Hopping experience, as he states himself in the chapter.

I do genuinely believe there’s a loving family hidden somewhere underneath all the cruelty the DBK crew throw at each other. It’s already been hinted that Red Son will get a redemption arc in the show, but I want one for his parents too.

That’s all for now! See you in the next chapter!

:IMPORTANT EDIT!!!!:

There's been a few paragraphs changed and added to include the new canon lore for Tang in the Dad Swap AU! Go check out @kitkat1003's absolutely ASTOUNDING work, When the Tide Pulls Away and the Earth Sharpens to Steel! It is INCREDIBLE and if it was finished, you'd absolutely know there would be an entire chapter dedicated to it here.

#Ink Writes #Scattered Cicadas #Monkie Kid #Tang #Tang Monkie KId #Pigsy #Zhu Bajie #Red Son #MK #Demon Bull King #Princess Iron Fan #Sun Wukong #winterpower98 #kitkat1003 #When the Tide Pulls Away and the Earth Sharpens to Steel #Dad Swap AU #Actor AU #Noodle Swap AU #LEGO Monkie Kid

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gossip-girl-of-middleearth · 3 years

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Which is your story with the fireflies?

Hi, thank you for asking! ☀️ It comes from my main Legolas x OC story, which is currently being rewritten on Ao3 here.

It was previously on another site (Quotev), and the chapters are going up one by one after being rewritten, so you can’t find the firefly scene online yet, except for here down below 👇🏻

The scene in question is the first time Bonnie and Legolas fully let their guard down around each other. This is after getting drunk their first night being forced to travel with one another to reach Lake-town, where they’re aiming to complete individual goals regarding Thorin’s Company.

The entire scene can be found below the cut :)

(also, I might make an actual post introducing the story with the cover art and synopsis, etc? I feel like others have done that, and I should too?)

Now giggling and completely drunk on Oin’s moonshine, Bonnie and Legolas fell onto their backs against the green grass and moss.

Dancing had tired them out, as breaths racked their chests—more believable for the human girl than it was for the elf, but her modern music had a different beat, of which he was entirely unfamiliar with.

Regarding said music, the soft tunes of “Southern Nights” by Glen Campbell filled the air, providing a cosy ambience for them both. Bonnie was certainly glad her Sony Walkman had made it with her to Middle-earth, now more than ever.

She briefly wondered how they handled such silence otherwise.

It was intimate underneath the stars and beside the river, perhaps a little too intimate for the two reluctant travel companions. However, at certain points in their impulsive dance, they couldn’t help but secretly thank the orcs for ruining their previous plans.

The constellations above them glittered, like a million diamonds. Their heads were spinning from both the dizzying dance and alcohol, but even then, they couldn’t fight the stupid grins off their faces.

They felt as though they had just spun on the spot for five minutes-straight, as if they were no more than children again. Things felt, for the first time in a long time, easy.

Considering a dragon and war between their two sides was on the near horizon, that was a feat in itself.

Bonnie glanced to her left discreetly, stealing a peek at the happy prince. He was certainly odd, but in an even odder way, he made her feel safe.

Before he could catch her, she looked up at the stars again—listening in closely to his inhales and exhales, the running river, swaying leaves, howling wolves, chirping crickets and Sony Walkman.

Legolas, too, stole a glance at her, considering her greatly. He now knew her secret, and though that answered some questions about her, many more were left.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Bonnie remarked after a moment of silence, referencing the stars. “We didn’t have views like this back in Chicago—and if we did, they were usually just helicopters tricking you into thinking they’re God or some shit.”

Bonnie laughed to herself slightly in disbelief over the memory from that Chicago alleyway, nearly a whole year prior. Where had the time gone?

Legolas giggled with her, even if he didn’t quite understand what was so funny. He liked to laugh with Bonnie, and he couldn’t yet explain why.

Lifting a lazy hand, Legolas dragged it along the sparkling canvas above. “They tell stories. Did you know that?”

“No,” Bonnie replied, sincerely. She folded her hands and rested them on her stomach. “Can you tell me one?”

Legolas pursed his lips to one side in thought, and ran a drunken gaze along the sky. His eyesight, for the first time in his life, wasn’t perfect. He almost revelled in the feeling of the complete and utter lack of control.

“Hmm…” he hummed, and from the close proximity he was laying next to her, Bonnie could feel the vibration of his voice. “Ah, straight above—it is the story of a little elf losing his way from home, but ultimately returning.”

“Pfft,” Bonnie disagreed, waving her own hand. “That ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of tiny little dots, Blondie.”

“No, I’m being quite serious,” Legolas beamed, looking to his side and at her. “Look closer—you can see his little body surrounded by the trees, and over to the right, you can see him walking through them.”

Bonnie complied and followed his hand, smiling the whole while. However, her smile soon steadily ran away, upon catching sight of something else.

Legolas noticed this, and questioned her in a concerned voice, coming up onto his elbows.

“Bonnie? Are you all right?”

Instead of replying, she slowly sat up, and stared at the crowns of leaves above them in unbridled wonder.

There, floating above the city girl, were many fireflies—something she had wished to see her whole life, but never had.

“They’re…they’re—” she had gone to say.

“Fireflies,” Legolas grinned, looking up at the trees now as well.

Parting her lips, and gaping in shock, Bonnie stood upright. The fireflies came down to meet their woodland prince and worldly guest, gently floating by.

She held both hands together, and pressed them in close to her chest, as she turned on the spot slowly. There were so many of them, and more amazing than she ever could have imagined.

“They’re…beautiful,” the usually cocky girl slipped, for once speaking with her guard completely down.

Still only sat up on his elbows, Legolas watched Bonnie move around with studious eyes, a soft smile on his lips. Fireflies all around the prince basked him in a golden glow, as he watched the girl in quite literally a new light.

She grinned at the floating bugs, and reached her fingers out to touch them. He could’ve sworn he saw tears welling up behind her eyes.

Standing up behind Bonnie, he walked forwards, so that he now stood by her side.

“Beautiful is right,” he said, looking down at her with an expression no one had ever seen on him before.

And, for now, it was an expression no one else would see, for Bonnie missed his gentle voice—too caught up in the marvel that was glowing around her.

Understanding that she wanted to interact closer with them, Legolas lifted up a hand, so that one landed on his finger.

She gasped slightly, and responsively moved her eyes in closer, for Legolas had brought it up for her to view.

“Wait! Blondie! You’re an elven prince!” Bonnie suddenly recalled, beaming up at Legolas.

“Last time I checked,” he smirked, almost returning to his bickering ways in Rivendell with her.

Rolling her eyes, but still grinning brightly, Bonnie pressed on—Chicago accent thick. “You can talk to them! Oh, God, ask them something! Or, I don’t know! Talk about whatever you talk to animals about!”

Legolas smiled back in an eye-crinkling manner, and nodded, chuckling slightly. He brought the firefly in close to his nose, and spoke soft Sindarin words to the bug.

Soon, it seemed as though he was caught up in conversation with said firefly, for he responded a few times with warm words she didn’t at all understand.

At one point, he giggled shyly and blushed—looking away from the firefly and down at his feet instead, where he gently tumbled blades of grass over one another.

Noticing this, Bonnie knitted her brows and questioned him with a curious smile. “What did he say?”

As he lifted his eyes and met hers, Bonnie swallowed deeply, for there was a certain glow within them unmatched by the golden bugs all around.

“He said, and I quote,” Legolas began, in almost a whisper, “that ‘despite them all glowing brightly tonight’ and ‘despite the stars beaming down for us’ you, Bonnie, are ‘still the most radiant of all things’, and then I said…”

Bonnie sucked on her lower lip, and tilted her head slightly, trying to catch Legolas’ averting eyes.

“You said…what, Blondie?” Bonnie asked, feeling a slither of hope over something she didn’t quite understand.

Meeting her eyes again, Legolas smiled warmly, and concluded his words.

“I said that I agree.”

The smile steadily ran away from Bonnie’s face, as his words rang around within her mind, like melodic bells.

“Wedding bells,” she knew Bilbo would have said, for once glad he wasn’t around.

However, irregardless, whether it be the alcohol driving her forward, or something more genuine, Bonnie beamed brighter in response to the frog-loving archer.

With a blush creeping along his features, Legolas shyly returned her smile.

And there, as Bonnie’s Sony Walkman played many old songs into the golden air that night by the river and fire, the two previous rivals grew a little bit closer—praying that morning would never come, for they knew what lay ahead in Lake-town.

Everything they felt tonight, alcohol-induced or not, would have to be forgotten by morn, for Thranduil and Thorin would surely forbid what had barely even begun from blooming further.

However, there, amongst the fireflies, they decided that that was their future selves’ problem.

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lucky-dreamfisher · 3 years

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I'm still super confused about the timeline of batdr, i hear sometimes that it's a sequel and then others quote that Mike and meatly said it's neither. which is even more confusing when they say things like "bendy will return" or "the dark revival" like this game takes place later. at this point it's either a alternate universe or sidequel

The dictionary definition of a sequel is: “a published, broadcast, or recorded work that continues the story or develops the theme of an earlier one.”

Seeing as Joey was alive in BATIM and is dead in BATDR, and that Audrey is advertised as going to “end the cycle” alluding to the loop that Henry was still trapped in at the time of BATIM, that makes BATDR a straightforward sequel to BATIM by definition, as it’s a continuation of the story and themes introduced in BATIM. And yet, Mike and Meatly have repeatedly states that BATDR is “neither a prequel nor a sequel”.

That leaves only 2 possibilities: either Mike and Meatly are confused about what is a sequel, or BATDR really isn’t a sequel.

It may seem weird to assume that M&M don’t know that they’re making a sequel. But keep in mind that there’s a whole lot of people in fandom, who are under an incorrect belief that that the existence of a time loop in a work of fiction makes the story “not a real sequel”. This belief is wrong, as there’s plenty of canons which use the concept of a time loop and still call their continuations sequels. However, I don’t know if Mike and Meatly are familiar with many of those other works of fiction, so it’s possible that they’re simply confused about what constitutes a sequel, same as so many other people in fandom.

But what if they’re right? What if BATDR really isn’t a sequel?

That give gives us three possibilities

A reboot

There’s a popular theory that Joey can control the story inside the ink machine’s cartoon world using his sketches and the ink machine in his house. In DCTL ink!Buddy claims that Joey isn’t in control of the world, but it’s still possible that he used to be in control and somehow lost it. After his death, everything in his possession was taken over by Nathan, which probably includes the sketches and the ink machine. Nathan may have discovered the way to regain control over the studio world and change the story to his liking, making BATDR a kind of weird in-universe reboot of BATIM. Ink!Buddy flat-out states that his memories are being rewritten. By Nathan, maybe?

An AU

I’ve explained that in some of my other posts - basically, Nathan claims in the Comics and TIOL that he didn’t open Archgate Films until after he obtained the rights to Bendy following Joey’s death, yet we see letter from Allison in BATIM who’s writing to Joey and describing her work for Archgate in 1963. This would imply that BATDR and BATIM are two separate timelines - one where Joey sold the rights to Bendy over to Nathan before 1963, and one where he refused to sell the rights, and Nathan had to wait for his death.

However, there’s another explanation: that Archgate Films originally belonged to Nathan’s son and Nathan took over the company either because his son died, or because Nathan is an abusive dad and stole his son’s company from him when it became successful.

A side story

There’s a lot of mysteries in BATIM that imply that something else is going on behind the scenes. Take for instance the map room, where you see two messages "Come up and see me", and "Almost there", but when you get to the top there’s no one in there:

There’s a lot of ink splatters suggesting that a fight took place in there. Perhaps the messages were not intended for Henry, but for Audrey, and something happened in that room right before Henry came in?

It would be interesting if it turned out that Audrey was inside the studio in BATIM all along, but she and Henry just kept accidentally missing each other, because any time they got close to meeting, someone or something interfered to keep them apart.

#Bendy and the Ink Machine #batim #bendy and the dark revival #batdr #ask

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the-blind-assassin-12 · 3 years

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📓Writer Tag📓

@zaffrenotes tagged me to spill the beans on my writing process. Thanks for the tag, D!!

1: What's your preferred time to write?

I write at all times these days since I’m home all the time, but I think my most productive hours are between 9pm and 1am.

2: Do you have some sort of ritual you do when you write?

Nah. I typically re-read whatever I wrote previously, or if I need to reference a specific moment from an earlier chapter I’ll go back and read parts from that chapter just to get back into the story. But I wouldn’t call that a ritual. There are no candles, virgins or sacrifices involved.

3: What's your preferred place to write? At your desk or on your couch/bed?

It depends. If I’m just sort of aimlessly writing and seeing what comes out with no expectations, or if I’m just brainstorming/outlining, the couch is fine. But if I’m actually Writing, like trying to get shit done and be productive? It’s at my desk or bust.

4: Do you listen to anything while writing? Music, different ambiance videos? Or do you need silence?

So I’m almost always listening to music when I write. I have playlists for most of my individual series, and then some just for characters in general. If you’re ever curious about a playlist please feel free to ask!! The only real exception is if I’m watching canon content while writing, for reference or inspiration (or just to watch Ryan Brenner blink his long eyelashes as he smiles whatever sue me.)

5: Do you need snacks while writing, or certain drinks? If so, what?

Yeah. All the beverages. Usually a water and a Gatorade because hydration is key. And then if it’s morning times a coffee or tea (97% coffee) and many an evening it’s a glass of wine or a beer. (But tonight it is going to be tequila. Send help.)

6: Story planning 1: in a notebook first or in a doc?

Both. I outline in a google document, but things like timelines and family trees I draw out or write down on scrap paper or post it notes.

7: Story planning 2: for a longer story: possible place and character names first, or plot first?

I usually have a pretty good idea about the plot, at least in a bare bones sense, before I start in too much on the characters. But sometimes I know I want to give my character a certain trait or flaw or memory or what have you, so I’ll build plot around it. There are no rules.

8: Do you make inspiration boards? If so, would you share one of your current WIP (without giving away too much)?

I used to make mood boards but now I’ll just kind of gather and hoard images or quotes as inspiration. I’m more inclined to make a graphic or banner or whatever you wanna call it to post with my stories but! Here’s a picture I’m using for reference right now:

9: How do you handle being interrupted?

Depends on how far in the zone I was when the interruption occurs. If I’m deep into a scene and you bother me I might cut your head off but if I haven’t settled in yet you’ll probably just lose a pinky.

10: How many drafts do you usually need? Or do you write it immediately and just edit little bits to fix it?

I try to edit as I go so it’s more like one living draft that gets tweaked at the end. On a few rare occasions I’ve completely gone back and rewritten entire scenes. Sometimes I just end up cutting things completely and they get stored in a file called “the cutting room floor”.

I wanna hear from @something-tofightfor @malionnes @gollyderek @suchatinyinfinity @delos-mio and anyone else who sees this and wants to share what their creative process looks like- just tag me so I can read it!!

#thanks for the tag D!!#zaffrenotes #writing tag #writing process #I have a lot of writing to do today #someone is getting lots of attention this weekend 🤠🤠🤠

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allisondraste · 4 years

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Writer’s Review

Thanks for the tag @kagetsukai. This was a fun trip down memory lane. My first published work was In January of 2008 and it was for Inuyasha and my most recent works have been for Fallout 4, but for the funsies of direct comparison, I chose my first Dragon Age fic (published in 2010 when I was SIXTEEN GAH) and a very unintentionally similar scene I wrote back when I started Temperance in 2019. ;D

Rules: Post two snippets of your writing. The first should be one of the oldest examples of your work that you can find (the older the better!), and the other has to be an excerpt from something more recent. Compare the two side by side to see the difference between what your writing looks like now and how it did then.

In return I shall tag @potatocrab @laurelsofhighever @adventuresofmeghatron and anyone else who might wish to cringe at their own old writing. As always, no pressure. I’m just following the rules.

I’m gonna stick this under a read more because it’s very long.

Excerp from Hunger, a short fic for my warden Eliya Surana and Alistair.

It sounded again. It was more recognizable this time. It was a laugh or a chuckle. It sounded human, or possibly elven to her ears. The thought of bandits waiting like tigers ready to pounce upon them and cut her throat, then Alistair, Leliana, and Morrigan (if they dared). Then they'd rob the camp and leave the corpses to the darkspawn and beasts of the forest.

They thought of being decapitated didn't sit well with the red headed elf. In a rush of fear and adrenaline, she leaped forward toward whoever was laughing and charged up and electricity spell holding it to whatever she'd made contact with. She hoped to scare whatever it was into submission. She didn't understand how successful she'd been until she looked down.

She was straddling what was definitely human, definitely male, and definitely…

"HOLY CRAP IT'S YOU," she said with an embarrassed yet relieved shout as she held the spell to the man's face and it had revealed his identity. It was Alistair and she'd obviously startled him.

"No, no don't hit me! I bruise easily," he said putting his hands in front of his embarrassment flushed face.

"I'm SO sorry," she said not thinking to get up off of him in her disgruntled state, "I thought you were a bandit and you were going to cut my throat and then kill everyone else and take all of the FOOD. Why were you laughing?"

"I was… uhh… laughing… err…at… haha… you," he said in a meek manner like she'd kill him if he said it, "Though now I know to never ever ever EVER do that again EVER."

Eliya gave him a confused eyebrow raise, her pointy ears twitching slightly in a quirky involuntary manner. "At me? Why?" She wondered if it was because she was elven. Despite being accepted by the humans in the Circle, she had lived in Denerim for awhile and was quick to accuse humans of racist beliefs. She hadn't thought Alistair to be… that way after being around him for several days, but she had to question his motives.

"No, no, its not what you're thinking," The stunned boy said apologetically. Alistair obviously knew what she was getting at, "Its not because you're an elf. I swear it! I heard you rattling around and talking to yourself. I thought it was funny because I knew what you were doing. It seemed like déjà vu for me because I went through the same hunger thing. I… couldn't help it."

"Oh," Eliya said with a relieved chuckle, "That's good because I really didn't want to beat you up."

Alistair laughed but when he saw the stern expression on the girl's face he stopped. "Wait are you serious," he questioned.

Eliya looked sternly for about five more seconds but then busted into a hysterical laughter.

"We're even now," she said between laughs. And they sat there laughing at the predicament.

Excerpt from Chapter 3 of Temperance, a scene between Liss Cousland and Alistair

The air was slightly too cold for her liking, teeth chattering as the wind nipped at her cheeks and nose. Despite her discomfort, she found the courtyard ideal, ferns and flowers illuminated only by moonlight. She wondered how the plants survived the frost that coated them each night, the hardy little things. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply and allowed her muscles to lose their tension.

The calm lasted only briefly, as she heard a rustle in the grass behind her and footsteps approaching. She turned on her heels abruptly, balling her hand into a fist, and jabbing forcefully in the direction of the noise. A man’s voice yelped in pain, and there was a thud as the figure, now in focus, fell to the ground. Liss moved to restrain the potential attacker, sitting atop him with her fist at the ready.

“No no no! Please don’t hit me again, I bruise easily,” the man, whose features Liss could now see more clearly, pleaded.

He was a young man with sandy hair, brown skin, and dark hazel eyes wide with shock and perhaps pain at the punch she had landed against his torso. He did not appear to be armed, or dangerous for that matter. Then again, she knew better than to let her guard down.

“Who are you,” she demanded, fist still at the ready, “And why were you sneaking around in the courtyard?”

“My name is Alistair,” he answered nervously, “I had come outside for some air, as one does, and I noticed that someone else was out here. I, uh…well I was hoping not to alarm you. I guess we see how well that worked out.”

“Alistair?” The name sounded familiar, and she stood up and stepped back as she realized who the young man was, “The Alistair? King Maric’s son? The Grey Warden who helped stop the Blight? That Alistair?”

He stood up and dusted the dirt from his pants. “The one and only.” He grimaced as he attempted to straighten up his posture, massaging the place on his abdomen where Liss’ fist had fallen. “Maker, that hurt. Who are you, anyway? Do you always go around attacking people?”

“I’m Elissa Cousland, and I’m so, so sorry,” she laughed nervously, bringing her hands to her face to hide the embarrassment. “I just couldn’t sleep, so I came outside for a walk. I heard footsteps, and I thought- well… I don’t know what I thought. It’s been a long year, and I’m a little on edge.”

“I’ll say,” he said pointedly, before flashing a grin, “I think it’s safe to say we’re all a little on edge, what with the war and the Blight. Better to punch first, ask questions later, huh?”

“I suppose,” Liss answered, still laughing at herself, “Though it’s probably not the best way to make friends.”

I did not even realize that I’d accidentally rewritten a similar scene with different characters, under slightly different circumstances. I get a HOOT out of rereading Hunger because there are so many anachronisms and so much telling instead of showing. I think I’ve also gotten better at taking a deep point of view and letting the character lead me rather than standing at a distance from the POV character. I’m glad to see I enjoy having Alistair tackled by cagey women for a decade now. This was fun.

#dragon age #dragon age origins #alistair #surana #cousland #my writing #humor

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pink-jindallae · 5 years

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At the hospital / Part 1

[Nathaniel/Candy] full angst / heavy mention of panic attack Hospital scene from episode 16 completely rewritten. I'm so slooow to write ;-;

Words: 3464 Author note: Before starting this reading, I would like to highlight Candy's mental state of this episode. I personally felt a lack of investment as Nath's girlfriend. If he wasn't her LI, okay, sure. But as her boyfriend I don't agree. She saw him bleeding to death a few hours ago and she just leaves? Amber asking Candy to stay alone with Nath? Um, no? I'm not sorry to say that I have the fucking right to be with my boyfriend, as much as her. As a writer and as Nath stan, I couldn't let it pass. I got so much frustrated that I had to rewrite the entire hospital scene because first; I can. Second; Beemov cannot get me away from my man like that. LET ME STAY. And third: I LOVE the angst. Anyway, I hope you will enjoy the angst nonetheless ;)

Candy P.O.V.

Nathaniel has been awake for over an hour now. A little while ago, Kim and I were interrogated separately by the police about Nath's assault before they got to question him. Kim assured me soon after that she had repeated word for word Nath's version. As for me, I did the same with a robotic voice, too tired mentally and physically to pretend to be fine in front of the policemen. They didn't ask me too much questions, perhaps discerning my torment. Just after the police left, a nurse came to report on Nathaniel's state. We were relieved to hear his wound wasn't too deep and his organs were untouched. However, she also informed us that Nath had a head injury, so they had to keep him under observation until tomorrow to see how his condition is evolving. My face had blanched during her whole speech, but I didn't interrupt, unlike Amber who peppered her with so many queries. She acted like a lion mama, nearly throwing a tantrum in the hallway, thankfully Kim was there to calm her down. The nurse only concluded by saying we could now visit Nathaniel, although not for too long since he was still recovering and probably exhausted by his prior interrogation. To my surprise, Amber requested to stay alone with him for an unknown reason. I initially didn't agree, because even if she is his sister, I'm his freaking girlfriend and there was no fucking way I would leave like that! Not without seeing him safe and sound. Besides, how she asked rubs me the wrong way, like I wasn't that much important. I acknowledge she has a special bond with her brother, still, it wasn't a good reason enough to push me aside. I know she has changed and I don't rightfully hate her anymore, but God, I just wanted to punch her face at that moment. Hopefully she agreed to let me stay in the end, thanks to Kim who interjected in my favor. However, Amber still demanded to see him by herself first and to avoid another outburst in the hospital, I let her do as she pleased despite my own wish to come along. Only because I would be alone with Nath after as she promised not to be too long. When Amber left, Kim kindly offered to stick around with me a little longer, to which I refused. While I'm grateful for her concern, I needed to be by myself for a moment. Moreover, I would have felt bad to monopolize her presence just for my sake, because she too, was tired after such a night. She despised the hospital anyway, so, she went home to rest without insisting. And now I'm on my own in the waiting room for what felt like eternity. I can't remember how long I've been counting the minutes. The hand of the clock is turning, and yet, time seems to have frozen. It ticks with an annoying sound as if to emphasize the surrounding silence of death, reminding me again and again this disastrous evening. That deafening noise is taunting me, resounding a little louder as soon as I lose the thread, just to have the pleasure to grab all my attention while I'm waiting to see Nathaniel. I watch it with a rather confusing obsession despite my annoyance. I hate myself for that, I can't help but check the seconds spinning through the clock face. Because that noisy thing represents the heartbreaking absence of Nath by my side. Even if I know that on the other side of the wall, he's alive... Slumped on my chair, I bring my legs against my chest, my forehead glued to my knees. I need to see him so much ... "Are you all right, Miss?" I raise my head sharply. Another worried middle-aged nurse is looking at me and I can see pity through her clear eyes. What a sorry sight am I. "Y-yes." Great, my voice is shaking. "I ... I'm just waiting to see my boyfriend ..." "Oh ... is it the boy who arrived at the emergency room earlier?" I only nod, unable to speak at the recall of the events. The nurse sits next to me, her clipboard pad resting on her lap. "Your boyfriend is safe now, don't worry." she begins in a benevolent tone that irks me. "His relative is by his side right now, but you can rest for a while." The nurse's compassion touches me deeply, or maybe it's tiredness that speaks for me, because I feel my eyes sting a little bit as I'm about to cry any time soon. "I have to see him first." "This evening must have been very hard for you too, you have the right to rest. I'm sure he won't be angry if you come back later." She still insists. "I can't!" I nearly scream. "I need to see him!" Unable to contain myself anymore, I hunker down, squeezing my arms so hard that a red mark is blemishing my skin. I can't go home. Not now, not like that! Not seeing him drives me crazy! I'm exhausted ... my whole body is sore. "Would you like to call someone? Family, friends?" I shake my head, eyes closed. Her insistence begins to pester me. Why is everyone is completely disregarding my feelings? Amber, the nurse, even Nath. I'm that much insignificant not to have anything to say. My voice, no matter how I yell, is unheard and my opinion not even an option. Amber had already asked me if she could see him first, alone, and I meekly agreed to make her happy. And yet, I had to fight so I wouldn't be sent away, still muffled and saved by someone else. The nurse now pushes me to go home for the sake of resting regardless my desire to stay. And Nath… Damn, he didn't even wanted to see me at the gym. Kim said she called me because he agreed to, but with the way he acted, I doubt that. He was so stubborn, not listening to anything and facing my lack of power, Kim decided to call the ambulance against his will. During the ride to the hospital I have wondered; if she hadn't phoned me, I would have been unaware of Nathaniel's state since brother and sister like to keep secrets as if I wasn't part of their life. As if … I was nothing. "Just leave me. Go away." I coldly mumble, chasing those memories away. The nurse doesn't insist anymore and walk away after reminding me to contact the medical staff if I needed anything. Like hell I would. I feel many eyes on me nonetheless, kept under surveillance from afar. My mental state seems to worry them, but I don't care. All my thoughts are turned to one person. I decided to get up after her departure though, to freshen up a bit, the need to walk and think about something else motivating me to move. Specially to avoid their insistent stares, almost too heavy with judgment. When I see myself in the mirror, I quickly comprehend their dismay. It is anything but glorious ... My hair is disheveled, my eyes are swollen from crying and consequently, my mascara has heavily dripped on my cheeks. My white-like face doesn't really help to improve my condition. I look a fright ... The most impressive thing is my clothes stained with blood – his blood –. No wonder the nurses were concerned. I hurry to make a coarse bun in order to hold my hair in place, then rinse my face, erasing below the neon light all traces of this morbid night. I still look exhausted but at least I'm more presentable. Once I'm satisfied with my reflection, I go back to my seat. Meanwhile Amber has appeared in my line of sight, coming out of the elevator with a sullen expression. My heart skips a beat and I run to join her. "Amber!" She glances up at my panicked face and smiles weakly to reassure me as best she could, although it looks more like a grimace. "I was looking for you. You can go see him." "How is he?" I ask, worried about her peaky look. "The doctors told me he could go home soon. Luckily, he can talk and move despite his head trauma." Upon hearing the news, all the pressure on my shoulders evaporates bit by bit. I'm so relieved he is fine… "Did he ..." The blonde cuts me off, shaking her head in negative. He didn't reveal anything to her either. I sigh, depressed. Of course, he's not the type to vent so easily. Even her twin sister doesn't know everything about him. The few times we spoke indicates that Nathaniel didn't confide to her as much as she believes to. "I'm sorry for earlier…" she suddenly resumes, changing the subject. "… for insisting to see my brother alone. But please understand that I needed to talk to him. Nothing against you." I'm taken off guard by her sudden apologies. I really didn't expect it at all to be honest… "I… It's fine. I guess." I articulate, dumbfounded. She averts her eyes, probably feeling too guilty to look at me directly. "I may have overreacted." "You did. And to tell you the truth, it hurt me." I frankly blurt out. "So honest, as always. I like that about you." She lets out a small laugh and I smile in return. I'm glad she noticed her wrongdoing and asked for my forgiveness. She was as anxious as I was, so, I can understand in a sense. And to be fair, I'd probably request the same in her shoes if she wasn't her relative… "Thank you again for being there for him ... Thank you for everything. You saved his life." She sobs in a weak voice, taking my hands in hers. I lower my eyes at her statement, not sure to deserve gratitude. I didn't do anything. Kim saved Nathaniel while I was watching him, helpless. My conscience planting arrows in my heart keeps me quiet, not knowing what to answer. Amber's hand pulls me out of my thoughts by squeezing mine. She stares without saying anything, her message mute. I only notice now that her green eyes have lost their sparkle, filled with remorse too. "I'm going to his flat to bring some clothes and feed Blanche. I'll be back soon." she informs, gently releasing my hand. "Watch over him, please. He's waiting for you." I just agree in silence, the knot around my neck tightening slightly. I don't waste more time to watch her go and fly to the elevator. And damn the seconds feel like hours in the lift. I've waited so long to see Nath that I tremble like a leaf out of stress. My anxiety is only amplifying, trapped in this metallic box. The walls come off as an oppressive cage, shrinking around me. I feel like I'm suffocating ... It makes my mind runs wild, what I've striven to push back in my mind suddenly arises with brutality. My boyfriend is laying in a hospital bed after an attempted murder. The bloodcurdling realization I could have lost him forever tears me from inside. I remember too well watching him bleed to death. I can still smell the blood, see the light in his eyes weakening and his life being taken away slowly… I struggle in vain to hold back my suffering, but it's far beyond my strength. I can't help but dwell on the events, unable to think of anything but his twisted face of pain, the gaping wound and the pool of blood. It wasn't an accident. Someone tried to end his life. Stop! I must not panic. Do not panic! Nathaniel is fine, Nathaniel is fine ... I repeat these words like a mantra. Focusing on dominating my terror, I close my eyes for a moment and inhale deeply. My breath is shaking, but I keep taking deep breath to calm the frantic beat in my chest. My body is agitated with nervous spasms, I squeeze my hands hard to stop my tremors. Carefully ... slowly ... I'm breathing. At long last the elevator stops and after a soft "ding", slides open. The overwhelming gasp of air at the opening wakes me up from my horrifying trance, my lungs finally accepting some oxygen. After a gulp, I'm resolved to get out and stand right in front his room. I enter with a gentle push on the door which creaks faintly under the pressure of my fingers. What I see behind crushes my heart. Nathaniel seems to have fallen asleep, but his features are drawn, denoting extreme fatigue. His face is still a little pale, but slowly picks some colors up again. His left eye is slightly swollen, as are his knuckles. There was no doubt he tried to defend himself against his aggressors as much as he could. I pinched my lips so as not to break down again, shaken beyond word by his atypical vulnerability. I must be strong. I shed enough tears. At some point, I finally allow myself to approach with catlike stealth to avoid waking him up. My hand smooths his golden hair, brushing aside wet strands on his forehead. Softly … fearing of hurting him more. With the same care, I stroke his damaged hands in hope it would erase the marks of his fight. I wish I could take all of his pain… "You're here…" I jump, startled. Nathaniel is awake. He painfully opens his eyelids to gaze at me. I'd like to answer something, but on the verge of tears, words are strangled in my throat. "I'd have preferred to welcome you in some other way." he continues with a sheepish smile in an effort to relax the atmosphere. Except it provokes the opposite of the desired effect. He looks at me, his eyes filled with grief. His hand frees itself from mine to caress my cheek and I close my eyes to enjoy his touch full of tenderness. I barely notice him wiping a tear that has escaped against my will. And here I promised myself not to cry anymore. Damn it… "I ruined our date again." He feebly murmurs. "Forgive me." I shake my head, eyelids firmly closed. Other tears flood with me powerless to stop it. Nath remains silent, busy to dry all the sad pearls rolling on my skin. "Don't be ridiculous, you idiot ..." I end to whisper with a trembling voice. "We'll have other dates. I just want you to heal quickly." I swallow my tears somehow and finally open my eyes to offer him the best smile I could do. Nevertheless, he only observes me without saying anything, his look indecipherable. His eyes glint with a dark and melancholy glow, almost seeking to penetrate my thoughts. His face seems tortured, preoccupied, a frown on his forehead. A voice in my head hisses that pain is not the main cause. Anxiety, anger, guilt, maybe something else. I'm not sure what I can read. He carries my hand to his lips and kisses it with infinite love, contrasting with his painful expression. Nath, is there something you're not telling me? The rustling sound of sheets catches my attention all of sudden. My veiled eyes immediately fall on Nathaniel who's trying to get up, his face disfigured in pain. "Nath!" With an unsteady step, I try to lie him down but this obstinate man resists. "I just want to sit down, I'm tired of laying." He insists. "Don't be foolish, you have to rest! Imagine if your wound opens again!" I'm unsuccessfully trying to convince him, but he is too adamant and completely deaf to my protests. I shortly give up, helpless in front of his stubbornness, and put his cushion in a way he can lean on it without hurt. It takes him a few minutes to find the right position. "It doesn't hurt too much?" I ask as I sit on the mattress to get closer. "I'm fine ... I've experienced worse." Worse? What can be worse than being stabbed in the abdomen? Could it be related to the scar on his lips? To his father? My face runs out of blood just imagining it. Facing my frightened look, Nath takes my hand again squeezes it more firmly. "No wait! I mean ..." he resumes with difficulty. "... I'll be okay, you don't have to worry about that." "How could you ..." His thumb lays on my lower lip to keep me quiet, fondly brushing it. "I'm fine, okay? That's all you need to think about now." "But you nearly killed yourself, how could you expect me to stay calm after that? Nath, you could have died!" "What happened, happened. And I'm still alive." What the hell! I know he wants to be reassuring but he can't tell me that like that, as if it was something trivial! "Listen to me," He begins but I refuse to hear his nonsense. I drop and shake my head. The situation is so absurd, it makes me crazy! It's a nightmare. Breathing becomes difficult again, I feel like choking once more. Sensing my distress, Nath cups my face and forces me to look at him. "Listen to me!" He gives me time to calm myself before carrying on. I stare back with a look in which an unreasonable dread is reflected. I know I'm overreacting but … "You're afraid." I'm not. I'm terrified. "I understand, I really do. But look, I'm fine." He caresses my cheeks with lots affection and so much care to put me at peace, but I'm still shivering so much. However, my body is less stiff now, soothed by his voice. "I'm fine…" He calmly repeats again, insisting on this point until I stop shuddering. "All I need is my girlfriend by my side. This night has been painful enough for you and for me… We both need to rest. Just let me enjoy your company. Is it too much to ask?" I have to admit he's right. He is indeed fine. He survived and is certainly exhausted by his injury. I was so preoccupied by my own fear I forgot the most important; taking care of him. Ashamed, I lower my eyes. "I'm sorry…" "No don’t be, love." He murmurs, putting his forehead against mine. "I'm the one who should be. You deserve so much better than that." "Shut up." I sob. Our faces are so close, caressed by our breath, yet I feel so far away from him, an unbreakable wall between us. And I know… he is the one building it, pushing me away. Again. "Come." He simply finishes by opening his arms. He wants us to cuddle. "Your wound, it could open ..." I weakly protest, fighting against my own desire to snuggle against him. "My right side is fine." Nath persists. I don't want him to suffer ... My hesitation crumbles a little more when he softly pleads: "I need you in my arms ..." I don't want to start a quarrel, especially in these conditions. I'm too tired anyway. Besides, I'd lie if I said I don't want to be in his arms too ... Short of argument, I breathe: "Promise me to tell me if you're in pain." He simply nods, and I give up. With caution, I go around the right side of the bed where he's not injured. I'm careful not to lean too much upon him, my side propped against his cushion, but my head finds its way to the crook his neck. His right arm slides around my waist and presses me a little more against him despite my reluctance, yet I oppose no resistance. His soothing heartbeat under my palm relaxes me. He is still alive… Being in his arms drains all energies I had left, in other word, almost none. My eyes close when he brushes a warmth kiss full of comfort on the top of my head. I'm just so weak even though I should be the one who supports him. I can't help myself thinking I must do more than complaining and crying. He silences me when I word my thoughts and confesses that being here is more than enough. Actually, it is what he needs the most according to him so, I'm not arguing. After all, a nurse is coming soon to kick me out and I don't want to leave him with a pointless fight. Silence now surrounds us. Not a single word is shared anymore. We are just enjoying each other presence… … as if it would be the last time.

#mcl nathaniel #my candy love #amour sucre #mcl candy #mclul #my candy love university life #amour sucre campus life #Corazon de Melon #nathaniel x candy #nathaniel x lynn #angst #mention of panic attack

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lianabrooks · 4 years

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Happy Release Day to CHANGE OF MOMENTUM!!!

CHANGE OF MOMENTUM is finally here! Oh. My. Gosh.

There were times I thought this book would never actually see the light of day. Not because it was particularly hard to write, but because it’s a beast of a story and editing took FOREVER.

And then I had to wait while pre-orders went up, ARCs went out, reviewers chimed in.

But, today’s the day!

CHANGE OF MOMENTUM is here! It’s here on Amazon! It’s here on Kobo! It’s here at Barnes and Noble! It’s here anywhere you buy books! And it’s there at your local indie bookstore so be sure to support them. And it can be at your local library is you ask.

I don’t know if I can put into words how much I love this book and this couple.

Normally I get a little burnt out on a book before release day. By the time you read the first page I’ve read the book cover-to-cover over fifty times. I’ve spent days pondering the wording of something on page 221. I’ve rewritten certain scenes dozens of times.

CHANGE OF MOMENTUM is a bit different.

It’s not the story I originally planned on writing. The very first draft had Rowena winding up with the grounder, [SPOILER REDACTED], and left Hollis as a side character in the series. I’d written three or four chapters of that, including a fight with Hollis, before I wrote the scene at the end of BODIES IN MOTION where Hollis gives Rowena a knife.

That scene set up potential for so much more conflict, and a much needed redemption arc for both of them.

It also set up a lot of fun scenes for me to write. Rowena and Hollis are delightful to write together. They understand each other. They’ve known each other most their lives. They’ve studied each other, fought each other, tried to kill each other… and there’s a point where even hate becomes a respect, of sorts, for your opponents skills. In the absence of provocation, as hate fades into memory, that respect becomes something else. Not quite friendship. Not yet love. But… something.

I hope you are as utterly delighted by these two troublemakers as I am and that CHANGE OF MOMENTUM gives you a much needed vacation from the troubles of reality

Buy it today in PRINT and EBOOK

Originally published on www.LianaBrooks.com - second image by @bookbookowl

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zdbztumble · 5 years

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So About That Roxas…

Well, it’s that time - time to invite unholy disdain upon myself for my blasphemous views on fan favorite Roxas!

OK, that’s an exaggeration. I don’t know how unpopular what I’m about to say really is. And to make this perfectly clear up-front - I don’t dislike Roxas. I think he’s a fine character, and his (very) long prologue is one of the strongest parts of KH II. But I do find Roxas more valuable and compelling in how he relates to other characters, and in the fact that he is an aspect of Sora, than in his own right. All on his own, I don’t find Roxas to be particularly active or interesting.

And that isn’t a flaw. Given what Nobodies are (prior to DDD, at least), I would expect that from Roxas. Almost every member of Organization XIII isn’t terribly dynamic or dimensional on their own merits - their personalities are one-note (if that), which can be by turns tragic, obnoxious, or an effective foil for the protagonists. When Roxas draws jealousy from Hayner, general confusion from his friend group, some amount of pathos from Axel, mixed emotions from Riku and disdain from DiZ, and attraction from Namine, he’s a great example of the latter. I never find him obnoxious, and when he is on his own, there is a sense of tragedy with him. Because while Roxas may have agency, and does display a curiosity - almost an obsession, after a while - with gaining answers for the strange things happening to him, he’s ultimately empty. None of his joys, none of his curiosity - and not even his rages and despairs - last. He ends up defaulting, always, into a quiet, resigned, and hollow state, and he doesn’t seem happy about that.

This is true of the Twilight Town prologue, at least. In the brief flashbacks we’re given in KH II, and at the beginning of the Sora/Roxas fight, a different Roxas appears. He’s still empty at the core, but his front to the world is crueler, dismissive even of the words of his supposed best friend Axel, and predatory. We learn later in the game that DiZ altered Roxas’s personality when he dropped him into the digital Twilight Town, and it’s not hard to see why. Even with the altered personality, the strongest display of feeling Roxas can manage is anger. It’s only when Roxas confronts Sora, accepts him as “a good other,” and fully rejoins with him, that Roxas appears genuinely happy and alive in KH II.

But I do have problems with how Roxas is used, in KH II and especially in 358/2 Days. To start with II - there are some pretty big missed opportunities. Roxas was a member of Organization XIII, presumably working toward their goals (to go just on what we see in KH II), and every member of the Organization who sees Sora recognizes Roxas within him. Wouldn’t it have been nice to have someone else do the same? If, when visiting one of the Disney worlds that Sora hasn’t been to before, there was a character who had a negative encounter with Roxas, and therefore fears Sora and the Keyblade?

The lack of any such scene speaks to a larger problem with Roxas in KH II: his limited relevance once the prologue ends. He does come up here and there throughout the play time, which I do appreciate, but he doesn’t really have an impact on Sora before their clash other than as a source of mild confusion. Sora’s reactions to being called by Roxas’s name never progress much past “huh? Cut that out!” and he has no real reaction to learning that his own Nobody was a member of Organization XIII. Had Roxas’s activities over the past year created a negative consequence that Sora had to deal with, that might have invited some internal conflict within Sora’s heart, culminating in a much more emotionally charged clash with Organizers like Xibar and Saix. Hell, even without such a scene, the knowledge that a part of him was a member of the bad guys could have, and should have, made Sora feel at least a little upset. That’s not to say that the absence of such a mini-arc is a dealbreaker for KH II; what we did get works well enough. But, much like Roxas himself, something seems to be missing.

A future game might have been able to address this issue...had it not been for 358/2 Days.

This isn’t a revisit of Days; I can’t very well revisit a game I only ever played the first few minutes of, years ago, before losing touch with the friend who had the DS card for it. You’ll get no views of the gameplay here. But I am familiar with Days; I’ve read the breakdowns, researched its writing, and watched the movie multiple times. And I gotta tell ya - I know the game has its fans, and it may have some strengths and concepts missing from other titles, but I really don’t care for its story. And that has a lot to do with how it mishandles Roxas.

I’ll start with a caveat - I am not the audience for Days. At no point while playing KH II did I ever want to know any more about Roxas or the Organization than that game saw fit to reveal. What we got was enough for them to work as the villains in that story, and that’s all I ever needed them to be. This was always going to be an easy title for me to skip, or at least not take any real interest in. But that’s a matter of taste. Plenty of people take more interest in the backstories of Roxas and the Organization than I do, and this was perfectly acceptable as a subject for a midquel game. But the execution, IMO, is a complete mess. It ignores or retcons several of the snippets we get about the Organization in KH II, to poor effect, and fails to expand on any of the villainous Organizers in a way that might turn them from one-note video game bosses and elements of a hive mind into fleshed-out characters. Axel is given several coats of whitewash, and his history with Saix lacks any resonance when Saix is left as such a hollow villain. There’s no playing alongside Disney characters in a game so given over to original KH lore, and that lore is rewritten in ways I don’t like. The trends of mystery for its own sake and teasing histories and future events at the expense of the story at hand continue, the same few points of lore and logistics are over-stressed, and the dialogue and voice acting just isn’t good (and can anyone tell me why they re-dubbed Christopher Lee in the HD movie version? I mean...it’s Christopher Lee!)

But as I said, the real problem is with Roxas. For a character meant to be the protagonist, Roxas cedes a lot of narrative real estate to new character Xion. Like Days itself, I know Xion has fans - ardent fans. I can’t argue with that, nor would I want to; you can like what you like, and I won’t assess and critique her as a character here. But all I can say about Xion is that, as a writer, she strikes me as redundant. A member of Organization XIII, unusually lacking in knowledge about their life beforehand, wielding the Keyblade, inducted into the Organization within this game, derived from Sora through unusual means, with a connection to Kairi and whose existence arrests Sora’s full restoration from the events of CoM; setting her character aside, Xion’s narrative function is exactly what Roxas’s was established to be by KH II.

One could say that the game makes a point of this, turning it into an orchestrated conflict between the two by Xemnas, but practically speaking, this means that Roxas spends a key chunk of the story displaced. He becomes a friend on the sidelines as the real meat of the story concerns a character who, from the very beginning, anyone who played KH II would know isn’t going to matter past this game. This ends up making Xion more important, and more interesting, than Roxas within Days itself. But almost everything that Xion goes through could have easily been given to him by dint of what we see in KH II. That Sora’s restoration is upset because his memories of Kairi are being absorbed into another being would have been especially appropriate for Roxas, since Kairi’s very name is always fractured in the restoration process during II’s prologue at first, and the process itself is at such a low number despite a year having passed until Roxas is in DiZ’s hands. Those character elements unique to Xion herself, and the conflict between her and Roxas engineered by Xemnas, aren’t enough to justify her presence in the larger KH story IMO, and end up confusing elements of the lore (replicas, memories, etc.) If she had been cut, and those aspects of her story relating to Sora’s restoration given to Roxas, the story and lore integrity would’ve been better for it.

But that wouldn’t have solved everything wrong with Roxas in Days. Let’s look back at what KH II shows us of a pre-DiZ Roxas again. A cold and predatory figure; the Dusks who first come for him in Twilight Town address him as their “liege,” implying that they served him the way other Nobodies serve the Organizers; the Organizers themselves seem to have been quite close to Roxas, taking his betrayal hard and referring to him as “brother.” And Organization XIII, as we see it in KH II vanilla, is a collective, with no real secret about its motives within the ranks - that motive being, in so many words, to let the remaining Heartless continue their genocide across the worlds just so that they can swoop in with the Keyblade, harvest the captive hearts, and offer them up to their Kingdom Hearts in a mad bid to gain hearts of their own.

So why is Roxas so innocent in Days?

That cold exterior, the flashes of temper - that’s not what we get from Roxas here. What we get is a blank slate who becomes a puppy as he strikes up a buddy-buddy relationship with Axel, and who later performs the same function for Xion. He talks about fighting the darkness and asks hopefully if he’s performing “good” deeds. His interactions with his friends show him to be cheerful and open. The Samurai are supposedly under his command, but that’s a detail relegated to the reports. His relationships with anyone in the Organization other than Axel and Xion don’t even warrant scenes in the movie, and nothing suggests that they would deem him “brother;” Saix and Xemnas regard him as no more than a tool . And even though he’s destroying Heartless with the Keyblade, and those hearts are becoming part of the Organization’s Kingdom Hearts...somehow this is a point he needs explained several times? And he and Xion openly doubt why they need hearts at all - a point presented as one to be sympathetic toward, despite everything from KH II and a good chunk of this very game stressing that it is in fact a problem that Nobodies lack hearts?

This is not what was indicated in KH II. What’s worse, it’s boring. A far more effective choice IMO would have been to let Roxas be villainous. Go the dark protagonist route; give us a cold hunter of a character, with the impulsive anger and fractured psyche Sora showed in CoM, fully aware of what the Organization is up to and the price that others will pay for it and still committed to the cause. Then, when the events of CoM play out in the background, and fragments of Sora’s memories find their way to Roxas (assuming we still cut Xion in this scenario), that’s the turning point. That’s when Roxas can doubt the Organization’s cause, when he can begin to question his lack of memories and his true identity, and betray the Organization by setting out to find Sora. Give him two separate fights with Riku, to justify the dialogue claiming such in KH II. Let him develop some awareness of Namine after he gets Sora’s memories; Namine’s dialogue in KH II indicates that they’ve never met before, but a connection at a distance could serve to give more substance to their relationship, and supply Namine with opportunities to develop as a character. Depict the scenes where she first comes into contact with DiZ and Riku, agrees to take on their help in restoring Sora’s memories, and feels conflicted about the moral gray area their harsh but necessary actions occupy. Let her be ultimately responsible for setting Riku on the right trail that ends up bringing Roxas into their hands.

Of course, one reason why they may have opted not to do this is because having a dark protagonist complicit in an evil scheme involving the deaths of countless people may have been difficult to pull off while still earning an E10 rating at most. And honestly, the story told by Days doesn’t strike me as necessarily the best fit for a video game even as-is. They might have been better off with planning it as a proper movie from the get-go, instead of a string of cutscenes divorced from the gameplay as they ultimately presented it in the HD collections.

And another objection to this approach might have been that a villainous Roxas and morally ambiguous Namine might have been less “likable,” and therefore less usable in future titles. To that I say - so what? I didn’t want Roxas and Namine as characters in any titles past KH II anyway - not because they were bad characters, or because I didn’t like them, but because their stories concluded. Concluded on terms they chose, and were at peace with. It was tinged with a bittersweet quality, but they did get a “happy” ending. If a midquel story complicated their morality, that wouldn’t negate the events of KH II or the resolution they received; it would have created a journey to get them to that point, starting from a much darker place, and given more weight to the idea that it was necessary for them to rejoin with Sora and Kairi. I’d argue that would enrich what we see in KH II, whereas the actual route they took in titles like DDD and KH III disregards or undermines everything that made the ending of KH II work.

#z's crits #kingdom hearts #roxas #namine #kingdom hearts 2 #critique #commentary #358/2 days #xion

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roominthecastle · 5 years

Text

"Rassvet” delves into the time period between Katarina’s first suicide attempt in February, 1991 (following her run-in w/ the Osterman death squad) & the strategic “resurrection of Raymond Reddington”. Timeline-wise we are good here, imo, otherwise things get... interesting. More behind the cut:

Red told Liz that her mother walked into the ocean 2 months after the Christmas fire (1990). This date checks out. At the shelter, we can hear the news announcing the results of the Lithuanian Independence Referendum. This happened (for real) on February 10, 1991. We also know that Ilya/Red had his first surgical procedure on October 3, 1991. So it’s an 8-month period and not 6 as Liz says, but it’s not that big of a difference (you’re bad at simple math, Liz, and I can relate). Dom says that the various reconstructive surgeries took place over a one-year period, so Ilya/Red likely walked into the first bank towards the end of 1992. Katarina was still alive here and that matches Dom’s claims that 1) he came to the US after the collapse of the Soviet Union (so anytime after December 31, 1991) and 2) that he met Katarina a few months after he arrived, then he never saw or heard from her again. And this is where Dom’s story ends.

Katarina’s “death”, however, is trickier. The show’s been playing fast and loose w/ Red’s “I’ve never lied to you” for a while now, and what he’s told Liz about her mother’s death is def on the very loose end here. Ilya/Red claimed Katarina committed suicide. Well, she did (“I went into the ocean to end my life.”), it was just an unsuccessful one and Ilya/Red did believe her to be dead for a while. He also claimed she was never the same after the fire, and her death is treated as a symbolic one throughout this episode, too (“The woman who walked into the ocean is dead.”). But I still think she is likely dead for real now, she just died later as a consequence of their Reddington Charade, likely as a result of a betrayal that contributed to why Red is the way he is today, why he accepts nothing less than utmost/undivided loyalty, and why he feels so much guilt around Liz, believing that he can never give back what he took from her.

So the dates are fine and, at the end of the day, “Lizzie, your mother is dead” is a statement that holds true, imo (at the very least as a “clever turn of phrase” if Kat is “gone” like Samar is, i.e. never coming back, never able to reach out). For now, I am at peace w/ this.

We also have confirmation that Ilya/Red was indeed there when Liz shot her father. They pulled the dying Reddington from the flames before the firefighters arrived, but he soon died in Katarina’s arms. Then -- after burying him -- Ilya/Red and Kat probably went their separate ways bc he only read about her suicide and had no idea that she survived. In fact, we find him back at work at the Embassy all perky and business as usual, which feels emotionally disjointed from the importance Katarina seems to suddenly take on in his life when he decides to sacrifice everything to protect her. Interestingly, he makes no mention of Liz in this initial vow of protection. In fact, he seems to have no particular investment/interest in Liz whatsoever, and, as we know, his promise of taking care of her “as his own” is never followed through, either.

So if Katarina is as important to him as that monumental sacrifice implies, how come he wasn’t out of his mind with grief before when he thought she’d drowned? With Liz, he is emotionally consistent: his devotion is 100% and so is his devastation when he believes her to be dead. I don’t see this w/ Katarina. There is an inconsistency here that makes me think that there was more behind his willingness to take over Reddington’s identity than a childhood pledge but the answer to this is in the missing parts of the story.

I am def not disputing that Katarina was important to him. They clearly had a bond. I think that childhood pledge was real, too, bc it’s something Dom would know about and it got repeated. I also buy the unrequited & unconditional love scenario bc it fits Red’s personality and he already dropped a comment about this to Liz. But I don’t see them as lovers.

Katarina was decidedly not interested, she was devastated by Reddington’s death, even had a second suicide attempt. She was in love w/ Reddington and also married to/lived with Kirk in Soviet Russia at the time Ilya/Red was stationed in Washington, so I really don’t see how tacking on a 3rd (long-distance) relationship would have fit her life or why. In this ep, they also stayed in separate hotel rooms, Ilya/Red knocked before trying to enter hers -- this behavior doesn’t match two people being in an established intimate relationship (even if it’s on-again, off-again) and I got the same vibe from Red’s POV in “Cape May”, too. Liz is his life and heart, the woman he loves, and after this latest episode, the parallel btw how Katarina and Red react to the death of the person they were in love with is clearer and stronger than ever. For Katarina it was real Reddington. For Red, it is Liz. And I am not even gonna get into the “my child is being raised by someone else” angle but it parallels, too: Katarina put a pin in her original “plan” and came back to make sure Liz was safe. Red did the same for Agnes.

Anyway, what we have in “Rassvet” is, imo, a blend of standard limited 3rd person narration + a curious (infuriating? depends on your perspective) case of an unreliable narrator, which resulted in 2/3 of the messages I got that range from “WTF did I just watch?” to “it doesn’t really add up” and “what about his family??” I don’t believe it’s supposed to add up (yet) and stuff is missing (for now) for a reason.

This ep taps into the signature style of previous flashbacks:

“Cape May” is Red’s distorted recollection filtered through a cocktail of opium, guilt, grief, and suicidal ideation

“Requiem” is Mr. Kaplan’s trip down memory lane that’s skewed by her severe physical/mental/emotional traumas

“Rassvet” is a classic story-inspired-by-true-events Dom tells his granddaughter

There is no objective record of past events presented to us in TBL. We never had that and we might never will. We have memories from sources that are compromised -- biased, altered, censored, redacted -- in various ways, and “narrators” who are unreliable for various reasons. In other words, we have stories and storytellers with agendas.

The lack of reliable omniscient narration becomes evident in “Rassvet” that fittingly revolves around the creation of an identity from a mix of hard facts and anecdotes -- “some true, grounded in reality, some invented” -- for a purpose that (imo) remains partially obscured. It is perfectly captured in both Red’s scene w/ Liz and his subsequent confrontation with our most recent storyteller, Dom: “I know the broad strokes, I know who I am. I need to know the details of exactly what you’ve thrown out there into the ether.”

Red used to be Ilya but the Ilya we see in this episode is Dom’s version -- idealized and incomplete, mostly to fit the story and Dom’s reasons for telling it. This is why Red needs to know what exactly has been said, imo. Liz has already told him the broad strokes and he is Ilya, but the details Dom used to color over things ended up painting a distorted picture that made Red twitch as he listened to Liz in that restaurant. “I know who I am”, he tells Dom but it sure seemed that he only recognized parts of himself in what Liz repeated back to him. The technicalities of him becoming Reddington were told. The whys and hows of his mental/emotional de-evolution are still unclear, imo. This is what Liz touches upon, as well, when she asks him why he stayed Reddington after his alleged original motivation (accessing the $40-million “frame fund” to use it to stay ahead of those hunting Katarina and him) was satisfied. And he naturally dodges her question.

Red detests monsters who masquerade as saviors. This was established at the very beginning when he demolished one of Liz’s idols, as was his view of himself as a violent, ruthless man and self-proclaimed monster who’s sick with guilt and grief and can only atone by protecting Liz. But now, thanks to Dom’s story, she has a skewed view of him as some selfless hero with the purest of original motivations. He was visibly uncomfortable when she believed him to be her father bc he is not that. He is uncomfortable to be perceived as her hero, too, bc he is not that, either, and he def does not see himself that way, either.

Red knows what we know and is angry about it: Dom omitted parts from his narrative and embellished or maybe even invented others. Dom blamed Red for Katarina’s death. He forgave her betrayal but not Red’s (which reminded me of Aram’s situation w/ Levi and Red’s reaction to it), and we have seen Red blaming himself, too, but that tragedy, the event necessitating a “Hobson’s choice” (either letting both Liz and Katarina die or saving one) is missing from the story. Dembe once told Red that Liz may never be ready to hear what he did to Katarina, but there is no trace of that in Dom’s story; it is all unconditional love and pure sacrifice. There is no trace of Red’s own family tragedy, either, but I still don’t believe any of this is forgotten or rewritten.

The former is likely omitted bc Dom’s “storytelling agenda” was to reconnect with Liz, smooth things over, and help everyone move forward. This motivation was floated in the previous episode via his carside chat w/ Red that’s all about the topic of forgiveness: “Why did she turn you in? What did you do that made her want to do that?” | “I haven't ever been totally forthright about myself. She thought she'd have a better chance of finding out more if I was in prison and couldn't interfere.” And it is brought to a conclusion -- on Dom’s part -- at the end of “Rassvet” when he tells Red: “What you need to do is to thank me for putting all of this behind you.” I think the story was Dom’s way of offering forgiveness to Red (a response to his “You forgave Katarina but not me” in the previous ep) and helping him move on. He believes he told Liz enough to give her closure, too. Red seems to disagree, claiming that this likely made things worse. He’s probably right and I cannot wait to see how it unfolds.

I think the other major omission -- that of Red’s family tragedy that’s been alluded to in earlier seasons -- is not in Dom’s story bc he doesn’t know about it. At least I had this feeling when Red showed up on Dom’s doorstep after Liz’s “death”. Dom acted like Red had never experienced the devastating loss of a family, saying sth along the lines of “You think now you know how I feel?!” If he knew about Red’s/Ilya’s wife and daughter, he never would have said that, imo. Also, Red was an operative and worked in the Ambassador’s Residence in D.C. that still housed the Soviet embassy in 1991. When he met younger Dom in Moscow, he greeted him by saying “Sir, it’s been too long.” So they were likely not in touch for a long time and Ilya/Red was stationed in the US for who knows how long and for what mission (it seems he was translating a report on a USA/USSR Maritime Boundary Agreement when Katarina’s crossword code popped up on the screen). This “blank period” gives us room for that missing story piece (which likely happened around/after 1987) and a plausible reason for Dom to not be aware of it.

Dom was not aware of the existence of the Cabal, either, until Katarina got caught up in their web, so I think it’s v likely that they were also responsible for killing Ilya/Red’s family, which -- coupled w/ wanting to protect Katarina -- would be a proper, plausible motivation for him to take on Reddington’s identity given that it provided him w/ something even better than $40 million: tangible access to the Cabal and the Fulcrum. The new identity brought the seed money and a stepping stone to launch his Odyssean mission.

#tbl spoilers #tbl spec #long post #lizzington #hope you guys accept this as a sort of 'blanket response'#the stuff i didn't touch upon but was asked about will come separately soon

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rosybucky · 5 years

Text

No Longer a Man Out of Time

Summary: Steve’s last scene rewritten

Words: 3535

Warnings: none

A/N: this is the second time I’m posting this because tumblr deleted all my text the first time when I tried to edit the tags :))))))) I shamelessly wrote what I wanted Steve’s endgame ending to be like and cried just a little bit. This is also the first fic I’ve posted to tumblr so please roast me gently

“Go then,” Bucky says, smiling. Steve looks up at him, surprised. He was just talking, just wondering what if. He definitely didn’t expect Bucky to encourage his idea. “Go for the both of us.”

“Bucky,” Steve says, “I can’t.”

“Why not? What you do in the past won’t affect the future.”

“But what about our friends here? What about you?” Steve looks up at Bucky, their eyes meeting.

“I can get by on my own,” Bucky says, trying to sound as genuine as possible. In reality, he doesn’t know that he’ll be okay. Steve is his only lifeline to reality, to who he was before he was nobody.

“That’s the thing,” Steve says, remembering a time when he was younger, so much younger. “You don’t have to.”

Bucky smiles tightly at him, remembering too, a murky image of a downtrodden Steve flickering in the back of his mind.

“I don’t know if I’ll be okay without you,” Steve confesses. Even when he had nothing he had Bucky, in one form or another. The idea of not having him now, permanently, petrifies him. He doesn’t know how to exist without him, never has. They followed each other into war, ended up in the future together for god’s sake and now he’s just going to leave? He can’t.

“Come with me, please. It can be the two of us again, like old times,” Steve pleads.

Bucky looks at Steve, a strange expression on his face, resigned but happy still.

“Steve,” Bucky says in the tone of voice one that he heard so many mothers use to speak to their child that didn’t understand why their father wasn’t coming home from the war. Soft, like he’s trying to soften the blow he knows will be devastating. “I can't go back.”

“Why not,” Steve asks, silver rimming the bottom of his eyes.

“That time, that world, it isn’t for me,” Bucky says, the words burning his throat and tongue like poison as he says them. He doesn’t like to admit that he’s become so far removed from James Barnes that going back would feel like he’s taking over a stranger's life. But it’s the truth. “The man I was, the man my mama and sisters expect me to be, James, that’s not me anymore. I don’t want them to look at me with that disappointment in their eyes when they realize I'm not the Bucky they knew. Christ, Steve,” Bucky continues, confessing the truth that eats him up inside day and night, “I can hardly remember their faces anymore. I can’t be the man they loved, and it would be cruel to waltz back into their life a stranger and expect them to love me just the same.”

“Bucky,” Steve pleads, “I know your mama, she’d take you any way she could have you. Your sisters too.”

“Maybe,” Bucky concedes. As Steve starts to protest, Bucky cuts him off. “But there’s no need for me anymore. You’re not the same scrawny kid that gets into fights he can’t win, you can take care of yourself. You don’t need me anymore,” Bucky says, a melancholy smile forming on his lips.

Steve looks at him, a sorrow in his face that Bucky's only ever seen a handful of times. Once for Steve’s father, another one for his mother. To wipe that expression off of his face Bucky almost tells him he’ll go back too, but he stays quiet. “Is this the end of the line, then?” Steve asks, genuine terror in his voice.

Bucky lets out a short laugh, not mocking just...a little bit amused that those few words still mean so much. “No, never. It’s just a small pause so you can go live the life you deserve, Stevie. With the girl of your dreams and the family you’ve always wanted. A boatload of kids and a white picket fence. A dancing partner that you’ll never have to let go of even when the music ends.”

For so long his only mission was to find Bucky and now that he has him he can’t believe he’s going to let him go so easily. But a part of him, small and yearning, is crying out for a moment of rest, a moment of normalcy between the chaos that has been his entire life. Steve doesn’t think he’s ever had a second to rest since he came back into the world, and now he feels the weight of that all at once. As Steve stares at his hands, wondering if this is really what he wants to do he realizes. What if the world needs him? What if something else, something bigger comes to destroy all those he’s come to love? In that moment, Steve understands what Atlas felt like. But what if he just shrugged?

How can he leave? How can he not? His jaw clenches and unclenches as the debate rages inside him. It’s selfish, it’s absolutely and entirely selfish. And yet...doesn’t he deserve to be? He looks at Bucky’s face, who's looking at him with pleading in his eyes.

Steve nods, smiling. He can see it all now and his heart aches with want. “Okay,” he finally says.

“Okay?” Bucky asks, making sure he heard him correctly. He’s filled with an intense happiness. As if it were his own story that was getting a happy resolution. This is the best way this could have ended and he’s happy that at least one of them can find the peace they deserve.

“Yeah, okay.”

“Good,” Bucky replies. His voice gets quiet as he says, “And Steve…?”

Steve lifts his head, looking up at Bucky.

“Say hi to my momma for me, will ya? And my sisters too. Tell them…” Bucky países for a second, swallowing the lump in his throat. Their faces are blurry now, faded with the years and the things done to his memory, but he’s always remembered what it was like to be loved unconditionally. And for a brief second he considers changing his mind, going back so he can feel that warmth again. But he can’t. He remembers what it was like to have a family but he doesn’t remember the family itself. Those women, his mom and sisters would be just as foreign to Bucky as he would be to them. And despite his most selfish desires, Bucky can’t bring himself to do that to them, to make them love a stranger.

Bucky takes a shuddering breath, blinking away the tears in his eyes. “Tell then I love them, so much and I never forgot about them. Please, take care of them for me? Drop by every so often, and make sure they're okay?”

Steve nods. “You know I will, Buck. I doubt your mama's gonna let me leave once she realizes I’m back.”

Bucky laughs, remembering how his mom practically adopted Steve once his parents died. He’s sure it’ll be like her own son came back, better even. “Thank you,” he says hoarsely.

“Ready!” they hear Bruce shout from the machine.

Slowly they look back at him, as if they’re both just realizing that this is the end.

Together they toward the machine where Sam and Bruce are waiting. Bucky watches as Steve tells Bruce he’s ready to go.

“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone,” Steve says walking back to him, a small grin crossing his face.

“How can I,” Bucky asks, remembering the words from what feels like a thousand years ago. “You’re taking all the stupid with you.” And yet even now, they feel familiar. Steve feels familiar. Different of course, they’re both different now, but as Steve embraces him, Bucky swears he can feel the prominent ribs and gangly arms of the kid in Brooklyn too proud to run from a fight.

Bucky watches as Steve steps into the platform, getting ready to go back. “I’ll miss you, buddy,” he tells him.

Steve looks at him, a glint in his eye, sorrow. Then a sad smile crosses his face and he’s gone.

A few seconds pass and Bucky waits with bated breath.

“Where is he?” Sam asks, looking to Bruce.

“I don’t know, he flew past his entrance,” Bruce explains as he presses buttons and flips switches on his panel.

Bucky looks around, having heard the sound of a body landing on wood a few seconds ago, too quiet for Bruce or Sam to pick up. His eyes land on the figure sitting on a bench, facing away from them.

“Guys.”

Both men turn to look at Bucky then at Steve. Sam hurries over to him and they speak. It’s quick and before long Sam comes back and begins taking to Bruce.

As Bucky approaches his confusion grows. He can see that Steve’s hair is still a shade of dirty blonde, his shoulders still broad and powerful, albeit sagging forward as Steve rests his elbows on his knees and clasps his hands together. He looks the same.

“Stevie?” Bucky asks quietly, gently.

When Steve turns to look at him Bucky suddenly understands it all. Steve looks the same, but he’s different, changed. There’s a look in his eyes, that Bucky recognizes instantly because he’s seen it in his own face so many times. Steve looks weary for all the world. To anyone else, to Sam and Bruce, he looks identical. But Bucky recognizes the bags under his eyes, the haunted look that's taken residence in the depths of those baby blues. He sits down on the bench, one knee sticking out far enough to touch Steve’s. A simple point of contact, a way to let Steve know that Bucky's here with him.

“I went back,” Steve says.

Bucky turns to look at Steve, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “And?”

“I went back,” Steve repeats. His hands tighten. “And I found her. I went to the dance hall right on time. And we danced all night. I explained to her what I could, about the stones, about the future, all of it. She understood most of it of course,” Steve chuckles, “She was always so brilliant, of course she understood it. I told her I would love to be her dance partner, if she’d still have me. She said if she said no there was a line of about a thousand girls willing to say yes.”

Bucky smiles, knowing how women used to fawn over Steve once they realized he was Captain America, and sometimes before.

“She said yes. And I tried, Bucky I really tried. To enjoy that life, that time, but I couldn’t. I tried to make it work with Peggy, tried to get a job as a firefighter.”

“Even then, you couldn’t stop helping people,” Bucky notes.

Steve chuckles, “I knew you’d get a kick out of that.” He’s quite for a second before saying, “I also went to see your mom. She’s the one that gave me the idea.”

Bucky’s breath catches in his throat.

“I tried to explain to her too, but I couldn’t explain all of it. You understand.”

Bucky nods, thankful that Steve spared her the painful details.

“She told me she’d accept you in any way, but she ‘knew her stubborn Jaime’ and that if you didn’t come back then it was for the best.”

A sob rips free of Bucky’s mouth against his will. It burns like fire, clawing its way out of his throat and into the world. He had completely forgotten that his mom called him that. That she was the only person who had ever called him that.

Steve looks at him, eyes gleaming too. “She told me to give you this.”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out two small squares. He holds them out and Bucky takes them with trembling fingers. It’s two pictures that pierce straight into his soul. One is of his family. His mom and sisters all together, so vibrant and full of life. Big grins outlined in lipstick and hair pinned back in a style Bucky remembers took eons to perfect. The other is of him and Steve. Scrawny, skinny, lanky Steve next to Bucky.

“That second one-” Steve says, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t show it to anyone else. It kind of ruins the illusion.”

Bucky barks a laugh, surprised and infinitely amused. Bucky runs his fingers over the faces of the women. Distant memories shove their way into the forefront of his consciousness, reclaiming their place in his mind. He takes the pictures and puts them into his pocket, still running his fingers along them unconsciously. He looks at Steve, waiting for the rest.

Steve turns somber again as he continues talking. “But every night when I’d go home I knew couldn’t stop thinking about the future. About everything that would come to happen regardless of how much I tried to stop it. I tried to work, to live that life, to fall in love. And...I couldn’t. I couldn’t just ignore all those people that would need my help.” Steve pauses for a second. “You know, when they pulled me out of the ice they called me the man out of time. They told me the world had moved on without me...I never imagined that I might have also moved on without it.”

To go back to everything he’s wanted for a century, only find that he no longer wanted it, Bucky doesn’t even want to imagine what that feels like.

“That world, that time...it wasn’t for me. Peggy knew it too,” Steve laughs softly, “I went home one day and she had the suit sitting on the couch. She told me that I wasn’t meant to be there, that my time was here, now. She said that all she wanted was for me to be happy and she could see that there, with her, I wasn’t, not really. Not like I thought I would be. So, I said goodbye to everyone, went out with Peggy for one last dance, and came back.” Steve wipes his eyes, his breathing ragged. Everything, he feels like he just lost everything all over again. He swallows roughly, the lump in this throat searing as it is pushed back down his esophagus.

Bucky sits next to him in silence, the weight of a century lingering around them.

“I saw it,” Steve says after a long minute. His voice is raw and pained.

Bucky turns to look at him, one eyebrow raised. “Saw what?”

“What it would have been like for another Steve Rogers, one who didn’t go in the ice. Some small mercy I suppose from whatever power the stones had. Steve marries Peggy and has a boatload of kids, names his first one James.”

Bucky’s eyes shine as he looks at Steve.

“You were there too,” Steve continues.

“Was I happy?” Bucky’s voice is ragged now too, thick with emotion.

“Absolutely,” Steve says, his lips moving up in a tragic smile. “You had a heap of kids too, troublemakers with bright blue eyes, all of them your splitting image.”

Bucky releases a breath, a choked sob following it. He wills his lip to stay firm and mourns.

“But it wasn’t us,” Steve says, “Not really. It was a different Steve and a different Bucky. It was what could have been.” What we deserved, Steve thinks but doesn’t say. Why add more kindling to the fire fueled by their losses?

“Well,” Bucky says, trying to find the small glimmer of hope in this shit show they call a life, “whatever universe that James Barnes exists in, I hope he’s always happy.”

“Yeah,” Steve says, “Me too.”

They both look out toward the water, trying to imagine themselves in that other universe. The weight of their sacrifices hangs heavy between them, a more deafening silence than that of a grave falling over them.

“What’ll you do now?” Bucky finally asks.

“I don’t know,” Steve answers honestly. “I-I don’t know,” Steve tried again and fails. For the first time in his life he has time, he can go anywhere, do anything, and it’s suffocating. “When I was back in time I was so grateful because I could finally be just Steve Rogers. But...I didn’t know who he was anymore. I’ve spent so long in the suit, carrying that shield, that it became who I am. Even when I was back in time, with everything I’d ever wanted sitting in front of me, all I could think of was that shield sitting in my attic, waiting to be used. But if I’m in the suit, them I can’t be Steve. And I want to be. I want to get to know Steve Rogers again.”

Bucky looks at his friends, eyes soft. He knows what that’s like, wanting to get to know this person whose name you share. He felt like a stranger in his own skin for decades and some days he still does, but he’s grateful to have had the time to get to this place. He desperately wants that for his best friend too.

“I had a support group you know,” Steve tells Bucky, pride in his voice. “We meet every week, just a couple of us, talk about how to move on after everything changed.” Steve smiles. “I think I needed it as much as they did.”

“Why don’t you keep it going then?” Bucky asks, “They probably need you more than ever now.”

“I can’t,” Steve tells him, his own frustration growing. “I’ll be too busy trying to stop the next threat, I’ll always be too busy.” Bucky watches his friend’s shoulders slump forward once more.

“I don’t want to be Captain America again, not ever,” Steve confesses. Just saying it makes him fill with disgust. This gift he was given, this power that no other person has had or will ever have again, he should love it, appreciate it, be on his knees giving thanks for having been blessed with it. It saved his life, more than once. “But leaving the world without him, I don’t think I could do that either.”

“What if you didn’t have to?” Bucky says.

Steve’s eyebrows knit together, “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Bucky says, unzipping the shield from the bag it’s carried in. Steve averts his eyes and the familiar red and white stripes come into view. Bucky looks at it, his confidence in this idea growing. “Like you said, it’s just a suit, a shield. Anyone can wear it. What if you gave it away, passed the torch?”

“To who? To you?” Steve asks, his face uncertain.

Bucky laughs, “No, god no, Stevie. I’m pretty sure you can’t be America’s golden boy when you’ve done even half the things I have.”

Steve lets out a soft laugh, “No, I suppose you can’t. Who then?”

Bucky turns to look behind them both. Sam and Bruce as talking about something, the former making the latter roar with laughter. When Steve looks back at Bucky there’s hope in his eyes. As Steve watches Sam he feels his breaths come easier. Yes. This he can do.

“Ok,” Steve says, smiling so brightly Bucky’s sure his face must hurt. Bucky returns it, feeling the same way that he did anytime he helped Steve in back alley scraps. Like he’s finally done his job and protected him. “And who knows,” Steve says, “Maybe one day I’ll go back. When the serum has run its course and I’m ready to live one final lifetime. Once I’m too old and gray to be of any help here and the fate of the world doesn’t depend on me anymore.”

“I sure hope so, Stevie.” Bucky says, although he knows Steve won’t. Steve will fight until his very last day, until the last breath leaves his lungs. It’s what made him worthy, what made him a good man. Bucky knows and Steve knows it too, but neither of them say anything. Let them bask in this fantasy for just one moment. They know their only respite from the fate of the world, universe now, will come once they’re well and truly gone, buried under the earth they tried so hard to save. They only time they’ll get to stop and smell the roses will be once they can see their families again, in whatever world comes after this one.

Steve turns back to Sam, watching as Bruce explains something to him and Sam tries his hardest to act like he understands any of the science Bruce is talking about. Steve laughs and Bucky turns to see what he’s looking at, then laughs too.

“Why don’t you go grab him for me?” Steve asks Bucky, “Before Bruce realizes that Sam has no idea what he’s been saying for the last ten minutes.”

“Glad to,” Bucky answers, hauling himself up. He’s been on the receiving end of Bruce’s science talks before and knows what it’s like. The man is brilliant but often forgets that not everyone else is too. “Hey, Sam!” Bucky calls out once he’s close enough.

Sam looks at Bucky gratefully. “Yeah?”

“Old man wants to see you,” Bucky says, lifting his hand over his shoulder and pointing a thumb at Steve. “Has something he wants to ask you.”

#steve rogers #bucky barnes #endgame #avengers endgame #fic #fanfic #bruce banner #sam wilson #marvel #mcu

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jayhartwinsterling · 5 years

Text

Bandersnatch (Black Mirror) Megapost

Now loading... A *very* sizeable post with a lot to get through - here I am going to talk about the five “main” endings, the Easter eggs, why constructing a traditional flowchart for this game is technically a bit of a vain effort, how it’s probably best to link everything up in a guide - and the implications this story has regarding *us*.

Chapter 1: The Endings

So, we basically have five “main” endings. I say “main” because... well, we’ll get back to it on ending number five.

Ending One Description: The first of which is what I call the “How It Was Meant To Go” - and getting this one is quite simple. All you need to do is accept the proposal Stefan’s given by the Boss to make Bandersnatch with a in-house team. Satpal shows up and then Colin tells Stefan as he’s leaving “Sorry mate, wrong path.” We then jump forward five months to find that Bandersnatch was rushed in production, cut down and done badly because of it being a team effort and it gets a 0/5 review.

We loop back around to that decision again but this time, Colin thinks he’s met Stefan before and Stefan knows the memory error with Colin’s game when it happens. And we come back to the decision. (Refusal again will give a similar scene btw where Stefan accepts and Colin tells him it was the wrong choice again - but Satpal doesn’t enter and we just... end.

Ending One Analysis: So this first ending is rather simple. But the key to it for me lies rather simply in the fact that it can be done... without doing anything at all. If you left your remote/controller/mouse/finger wherever it is and don’t make any choices, this is where you end up. In essence, the universe just runs as it should and we don’t play god over Stefan’s life at all. I know it might be a little difficult to get what I’m on about here but consider that Stefan makes a remark to Dr. Haynes not too long after you take the refuse path, that he wanted to accept the offer and he doesn’t know what made him refuse. We did. This is more clearly pressed upon if you get to the point in your path where Stefan realises something is dictating his life and asks for a sign. We directly throw him a sign - if you’re super direct, that sign happens to be the most direct interaction we could possibly make with him. Telling him that he’s on Netflix in the 21st century for our entertainment and we’re controlling his life.

So, as I say, Ending One is where we don’t have an impact and thus things play out in the universe as they should. Bandersnatch is finished, it gets a 0/5 and Stefan resolves to try again. Ironically, if you just sit back and don’t take the option of making a choice (because, remember, us even making a choice is in itself a choice), though all the game does terribly - this is arguably the best outcome for Stefan. And all because we listened to the exact advice the trailer gave us with its music choice: “Relax. Don’t do it.”

Ending Two: If you go straight to Dr. Haynes (rather than going after Colin) and take your pills when you get home, you get what I call the “” ending. Stefan takes the pills, we jump forward five months to find that Bandersnatch got completed by Stefan but due to his pills, it comes across flat after the midway point and only gets a 2.5/5 rating.

Ending Two Analysis: Not a lot to say here - but it’s worth noting that the review dude on the TV mentions that if the creator had second chances, they should go back and do this game all over again but differently. Keep that in mind for later. It’s worth noting that if you take Stefan off the path that the universe was “meant” to take and then leave it to its own devices (and Stefan to his own choices) again, not making choices for him - then you’ll end up at this one. Almost as if the universe was trying to course correct itself...

Ending Three: “Stefan Jumps.” explanatory how we get here... We jump forward four months, and find that due to Stefan’s accidental death, the game seems to have been speedily finished by someone else.

Ending Three Analysis: We get no rating this time but TV review guy does say the game is bad. He also mentions that it seems abrupt, jarring, bleak, creepy... Almost a perfect way to describe the ending - since it then just ends.

Ending Four: “The P.A.C.S. Ending”. In this one, we unlock Stefan’s dad’s safe with the password “PAC” (obtained by crossing over paths from following Colin to visiting Dr. Haynes... we’ll come by to the implications of such things later.) and find to our surprise that Stefan’s entire life is part of a conspiratorial program, not only well documented but also manufactured with the trauma of his mother’s death being totally falsified. Dad wakes up, refuses to speak and in his rage, Stefan hits him with somethi--- Oh wait, it’s a dream. Just a dream... But then it goes off the rails, quickly plunging us into the choice where we give Stefan a sign that he’s being controlled. Instead of Netflix, we now have the choice of P.A.C.S. - taking that option leads Stefan to kill his dad with the ashtray in a rage about the apparent conspiracy. Stefan then picks up the phone to phone Dr. Haynes - and we have to enter her number. Entering it correctly means that Stefan outright says to Hayne’s receptionist that he’s killed his dad. As he’s burying his dad, we hear distinct sirens and then cut to a review of Bandersnatch. The game is given a 2/5 rating and we discover that Stefan has been charged with killing his dad and locked up in jail.

Ending Four Analysis: It’s safe to say that P.A.C.S. didn’t actually exist outside of Stefan’s head and it’s his life paralleling Jerome F Davies’ obsession with conspiracy theories and delusions. But... what nobody seems to be really talking about is - we did that. Again. Leaving aside all the choices up to and including the safe, we make the P.A.C.S. sign appear and fuel Stefan’s dream-induced paranoia. In this ending, we in a way become Stefan’s delusion. (Oh, and don’t be surprised if you didn’t get this ending with your choices, or only part of it - again we’re coming to all that...)

Ending Five: “Time Rewritten” - now I’ll be honest, I did all these endings in one straight through run. Which made for a REALLY messy time in both my head and the game. Particularly with Colin... But anyway, for this one, I had to make Stefan pick up the family photo after having followed Colin and heard him say that mirrors let you travel through time. Stefan then seems to head through a mirror in the bathroom back in time to when he was a kid. And discovers that his dad took the teddy away from Stefan and locked it away in his room. He wakes up, I take him through the Netflix sign again. [During this, I led into what I’ll be addressing in a minute as Ending Four-B.] And take Stefan back to the locked room, this time entering the password “TOY”. Stefan unlocks the safe and finds his teddy within... And then it takes an odd turn. Stefan turns to find a younger dad - and then suddenly he is a child again. The younger dad relents and lets young Stefan put the teddy back under his bed. After doing so, suddenly older Stefan is looking at young Stefan sleeping. We cut back to young Stefan on the day Mum leaves... This time, he finds the teddy but his Mum is still running late. She’s gonna have to catch the next train - the one that leads to her demise - and we have to make the decision for young Stefan on whether to go or not. Of course, yes is my choice here - for though it’s a tragedy, it’s the last of these paths to take - we get young Stefan and Mum on the train, cut to black, and then see that older Stefan has died in Dr. Haynes’ office. We then get shown a TV screen and the credits come rolling in, whether we like it or not. And there’s what seems almost a tune playing but we’ll get back to that because if you’re a ZX Spectrum fan like myself, you know where that’s headed.

Ending Five Analysis: Alright, now there’s debate to be had here. Did Stefan really walk through a mirror and change time, undoing his own existence in the present, rendering himself dead on the spot? Did he slip away into a divergent reality and leave his original one behind? Or did he, in reliving the trauma with Dr. Haynes, live too far into it and died? Well, my opinion is that the last of those three is true. (Although, this conclusion is a little shot in the foot for me personally because I never discussed the death of Stefan’s mum with Dr. Haynes ever. Unless you try to make the conclusion that the entirety of my personal run through this game even from Stefan getting up at the very start of it was all in his reliving). Time to come clean about something I’ve been hinting through this post. Delusions. Almost all of the endings involve delusions. But, you’ll have to wait until the end of this chapter before I bring all of that together.

Ending Four-B: “Cut!” - having taken Stefan down the Netflix path and into a fight with Dr. Haynes, I told him to jump through the window. He runs to the window but it doesn’t open - and then we hear something shout CUT! The view pulls out to reveal that Stefan is in a studio, and that - in a very meta move - all of this is just a production being made (for TV, for film... for Netflix?) and that trying to jump out of the window isn’t in the script. Stefan is then addressed as Mike and it seems to be the case that he has fallen a little too much into character. The studio assistant, worried with his insistence that he is Stefan, rushes off to find a medic. And that’s the end of that.

Ending Four-B Analysis: Firstly, I put this with Ending Four because it’s down a similar path, and once again we become Stefan... sorry, Mike’s delusion. And this led me to an interesting thought about this universe where we’ve taken control of a delusional actor - is the alternative for taking the Netflix sign, which is having the fight with Dr. Haynes (as “scripted”) and being dragged off just a part of this universe’s production? In that instance, is the delusional then our own that this world is a reality when - surprise, surprise, it’s a Netflix production (and presumably, in that universe, also a Black Mirror episode)? Secondly, as an aside, the only option presented to me after this ending for a rewind was “Get Rabbit From Dad”...

Well, there you go, five “main” endings (and a bit) and an awful lot for me to explain...

Except... Ending Six. What I Believe Is The True “Main” Ending.

So we lead Stefan back to the sign, give him the Diverging Paths sign (or call it Whitebear, if thus inclined.), make him kill Dad, and make him chop up the body. Then, the Boss and Colin discuss the fact that Stefan is late with his work - Colin convinces him to leave Stefan be for another day. And what happens here on, well, happens. It’s worth noting the reluctance and pain Stefan has carrying out the order we gave him to chop up his Dad. But then, it’s contrasted by the lack of emotion he shows in Dr. Haynes’ office. Perhaps he’s taken that JFD documentary to heart about believing that if all paths occur, and there is no free will - then why care? Why feel guilt on behalf of what seems to be destiny? And honestly, I can’t blame Stefan... Because he doesn’t have free will here, we’re throwing decisions at him and he’s along for the ride. We made him kill his dad. We made him chop him up.

And herein lies our delusion. That in making these choices for him, we have a choice. Because we really don’t - we’re in a Bandersnatch of our own (if you’re a CYOA fan then you might’ve sensed this coming...) and honestly, we should’ve known from the start. We’re the ones that selected the option Black Mirror: Bandersnatch on Netflix and hit play, after all. Just as Stefan has pulled back from making an infinity of paths and left enough complexity to make it seem so. I mean, I’ll be blunt here even though I’ve yet to discuss it in depth in Chapter Two - technically, there is no way that any one human being is getting through every possible path/universe. To us, it may as well be infinite. And yet, it’s all just an illusion of free will.

Endings Two and Three all push us, the player, bluntly into going back into this warren of choices - to try again. Pushing us further on. Ending Four is more subtle, toying with us by giving us a tragic ending for Stefan so we feel inclined to go again and do better for him (and in my case, straight up offers up a path to Ending Five, and what seems a more hopeful ending until you get into it.) Ending One is even there if you decide to take the choice to not make any choices, to not interfere at all. Leaving the universe on course - but of course, this is our game and trap so it tells us not so subtly to try again as well.

And Ending Five leads us to ending with... A delusion. There’s the crux of the matter.

Ending One is our delusion that we can game the system by not getting involved.

Ending Two is Stefan’s (and our) delusion that if we play by the nicest choices and rules of life, it’s all going to turn out happily.

Ending Three is Stefan’s delusion (spurred on by the acid? by Colin’s way of thinking? by both?) that if infinite worlds are out there and free will is an illusion then what does it matter if he jumps?

Ending Four is where Stefan becomes delusional as a result of us and ends up locked up. We are the delusion. Four-B is where Stefan himself, as a person, is the delusion.

Ending Five is either the delusion of a man who relived his trauma too deeply or the delusion of us in thinking that when the paths were all clear and we had what seemed like a final end, that it would be happy. (Or none of the above, if you really want to go analysing this one differently.)

And Ending Six is our delusion. “And now, they’ve only got the illusion of free will but really, I decide the ending.”

In a few short seconds, we realise that we have been the Stefan of Charlie Brooker and co. - being led towards this ending that is out of our hands now. Despite all the paths and other endings you take, you’re likely to end up back here.

And as Stefan says about how he thinks Bandersnatch led to a happy ending, and we see him in his room, with his computer - and walls covered in paths; trying to make sense of the maze he’s playing... well, I think you can piece together the parallels between him and us.

And then we’re landed with the fact that he’s kept his dad’s head. And the 5/5 review we’ve been looking for all game finally comes, but then it turns out even that comes at a price. We’ve driven Stefan insane, certainly - and we’ve tainted the happiness of a moment we were striving for. And there’s a final delusion for us - the delusion that whatever choices were out there for us to make, we could get an ending where everyone lives, Stefan is happy, the game gets 5/5 and all is well. But we can’t. No matter what Stefan does, he can’t divert from the path we choose and no matter what we do, we can’t divert from the path Charlie Brooker chose.

Colin’s daughter takes up the mantle of her father, inspired by having found Stefan’s work, just as Stefan was inspired by having found Jerome F Davies’. (She even has Jerome’s book as well!) And one more time, we fall into the meta hole as it’s revealed that she’s creating her game for TVs and smart devices under Netflix. Her game is the Bandersnatch we’re playing.

As a parting shot, Charlie Brooker brings himself into the web the one we can without completely shattering what remains of the fourth wall. Pearl represents him, trapped in the same madness, trying to put this game together. We are given our final choice - and either way, it’s a moot choice. Both destroy Bandersnatch. Both cause the screen to cut out - did we just erase Bandersnatch? Does it matter, given that our choice or even abstaining meant nothing in the end?

And I suppose you have to feel sympathy for Charlie Brooker, because the pain Stefan felt and the pain we felt - he’s no stranger to it.

And we’re left with one question now that the game is gone: What about real life?

Chapter 2: Why A Flowchart Won’t Ever Cut It (Technically)

TO BE ADDED SOON

Chapter 3: So Many Easter Eggs

TO BE ADDED SOON

Chapter 4: The Best Way To Document Every Piece Of Bandersnatch

TO BE ADDED SOON

Chapter 5: Us

TO BE ADDED SOON

#blackmirror #bandersnatch #stefan #charlie brooker #black mirror

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