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bokutobaes · 3 years

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inarizaki boys when you have a bad day

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆-with: atsumu, suna, kita

☆-!warnings!: swearing, parental issues, parents fighting, (there’s nothing physically violent), illness like the flu

☆-a/n: yall these are longgg LOL sorry

☆- author: lu <3

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆ atsumu:

-his baby had a bad day :((

-just kidding he didn’t notice at first I’m so sorry nzjsjjsj

-your lockers are nearby so he’s usually waiting for you there first thing in the morning

-you woke up today with a headache and you were just really tired from studying last night :/

-you wanted to suck it up because it was your own fault for leaving the studying until the night before the test you had

-anyways, you were walking up to your locker lowkey trying to avoid eye contact with him

-“hi tsumu :)” u fricken liar with that fake smile

-“morning babe!” atsumu pulled u in for a back hug “i have to get to class kinda early for a test review so i’ll see you at lunch”

-and with that he was pecking your cheek and leaving

-“okay.. kind of good” you thought.. you didn’t wanna worry him or anything so you headed to you first class, math

-hell literally broke loose.. you forgot your pencil case and had to ask like 4 people until you got one which was embarrassing

-AND THEN the teacher called on you for an answer that you didn’t know like the universe

was against you or something

-“uhh... ummm i don’t know..” headass😩

-the class after that was slightly less dehumanizing but it was also japanese class.. the class you had a test in that you just barely studied for

-you did the test and lost braincells, blood sweat and tears LOL

-“okay class these will be graded by lunchtime so please come by to collect your scores before your next class”

-ogey :/ anyways u went to ur next class and before u knew it, it was lunch time.

-a text from atsumu made your phone vibrate while on your way to get your test scores

-“hey babe im actually gonna eat lunch with samu we’re practicing a bit at lunch”

-oh :) ok :) that’s fine :) not like u :) desperately:) need a hug :) right now :)

-“oh okay babe” you text back

-whatever u don’t need him independent queen

-that’s your mindset.. until you get those test scores

-it’s a literal fail .. did not pass the test.. ok..

-“y/n san, these test scores were not your usual best. I’m slightly disappointed, if there’s anything going on please let me know”

-“thank you sensei. i’ll do better next time.

-at this point you were just tying not to cry so you took your test and shouldered your bag and walked to a bench outside for some fresh air.

-right.. you didn’t bring lunch today

-so now you were hungry, tired, defeated, disappointed and lonely :,(

-the last class of your day went by quickly probably because you were zoned out the whole time

-the end of the day came and you were at your locker when your guardian texted you

-“Y/n, you had that test today right? I’m expecting to see the grade when your back home. Didn’t have time to make food tonight so find something to eat on your way home.”

-oh that test ? lol hahaha the one that you failed?! yeah that one haha lol lollll

-so with that, you started your walk home

-“y/n!!”

-fuck. atsumu.

-if you saw him now you knew you wouldn’t be able to hold in your tears and you really didn’t want to cry

-so your solution? pretend you didn’t hear him and walk faster lmfaokdhdh

-but atsumu, being.. well atsumu, decided to just full speed sprint towards you to put his shoulder around you

-“i literally know you heard me. i missed you today sorry about lun- why are you crying ?!!?”

-“bad day” you choked out before a shuddering gasp wracked your chest

-atsumu didn’t say anything he just wrapped you in a tight hug, petting you hair while you cried into his chest

-“its okay babe.. “ :(

-“you wanna come over? we can get food and cuddle”

-you nodded your head taking a shaky breath

-his hand reached out and wiped your tears, brushed your hair behind your ear and kissed your forehead like it was natural to him.

-and so you walked together hand in hand to atsumu’s house where you ate samu’s leftover onigiri and vented to atsumu about the day while you cuddled

-he also gave you a hoodie :,)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆ suna:

-“living is a chore :|” you thought as the alarm rang through your room ruining your peaceful sleep

-it was raining outside and your mind went back to last night, the screaming match your parents had

-normally you’d be used to it but it felt like they were starting to take the anger they had for each other out on you now

-you tried not to but you started thinking about all the things your mom had yelled to you through the closed door of your bedroom

-“your just like your father. you’re selfish, lazy and all you do is run around with that little boyfriend of yours! what about your family?! you think your better then us? why don’t you move out then since your so good at being independent?!”

-everything she said was always completely blown out of proportion, she lied all the time. it’s exhausting for you

-you started getting ready for school, you wanted to see suna and your friends and laugh and just forget last night even happened

-when you got to school suna was there at your locker scrolling lazily through his phone

-you smiled, genuinely as he looked up and greeted you with a smirk

-“nice hair.”

-“wha-“ you started and then smacked his arm when you realized that your baby hairs were out of sorts “shutup” you scowled

-“good morning” suna hugged you

-“good morning”

-now you were off to class, it always went by too fast, you thought. school was always done in the blink of an eye

-“what’re you doing at lunch?” your friend tapped your shoulder and whispered to you

-“mmm nothing probably why?”

-“let’s eat on the roof today! yui told me there’s gonna be a rainbow cuz it stopped raining.”

-“okay” you smiled

-now at lunch with your friends you ate the bento you had packed before. the rainbow was there and it was beautiful

-you were having fun just laughing with your friends and texting suna while he sent terrible photos of atsumu. things were good, you had forgotten about your mom

-until the end of the day came and you had to go back home

-as usual suna was at his locker waiting so that you could walk home together

-after crossing the street you and suna were at a bike path, trees surrounding the fences

-it was a comfortable silence until...

-“what’s wrong?”

-suna asking took you by surprise, you didn’t think you were acting any different. were you?

-“what are you talking about”

-“you look sad, you did this morning too but then you were fine the rest of the day so I didn’t say anything. but, you look sad again now”

-“oh..”

-so suna just saw right through you

-“ um.. i’m okay.. it’s just ..” you laughed dryly “i don’t really want to go home”

-“did something happen?”

-“yeah.. my parents were fighting, it turned into this whole thing.” you felt a lump in your throat start to form “i don’t really wanna talk about it”

-“okay. you should just come over then, right?”

-“can i?”

-“you literally don’t even have to ask me anymore y/n” suna grabbed your hand and led the way

-when you got there suna hopped on his couch and started putting on something from netflix

-“my parents aren’t home, my sister has a dance thing today” he grabbed a blanket and you sat down, putting your head in his lap

-suna put on a comedy show, of course he would

-he played with your hair while you watched and after an episode or two, he asked

-“do you want to talk about it now?”

-and so you did, you told him what happened last night and what your mom said. your plan was to not cry but that failed miserably

-suna listened intently, he told you the truth, he said that what she said wasn’t true, he told you you could sleepover whenever you needed to.

-kissed you and wrapped you back in the blanket

-“i love you, you know that right? always.”

-he always knew what to say and you loved him for that

-“i love you too, suna”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆ kita:

-kita knew, first thing he noticed when he saw you that you weren’t okay

-you woke up with a terrible headache, aching body and stomachache

-so this is it? this is hell? ok.

-but the test.. you had a test today. fortunately you had actually studied for weeks because you knew it was important

-mentally? you were ready for that test. physically? you had the spanish influenza

-so you weighed the options and decided you would go to school, take the test and then come back home after.

-the problem with that was that kita would in fact lecture you on all the reasons you should not have come to school

-he was right of course, but you still decided that you would need to avoid him for today

-spoiler alert it did not work

-your test was your third class of the day so you only had to get through 2 classes and you’d leave at lunch perfectly avoiding kita

-this was what you thought while you were at your locker until you closed it and walked directly into kitas chest

-“wow”

-“good morning y/n-chan”

-“morning kita! i have to go or I’ll be late!”

-you ran😭 and you almost got away too but kita grabbed your arm and pulled you to one side of the hallway

-he felt your forehead and both cheeks

-“you have a fever y/n”

-“no I don’t I’m just hot from walking to school”

-he said 😐

-you signed and rested your head on his chest letting your arms dangle

-“why did you come? you look sick”

-“thanks. I have a test.”

-“how do you feel?”

-you told him your symptoms but also that you were leaving right after the test and you could pull through

-he really didn’t want you to overwork yourself but he knew you were set on taking the test

-so he let you go and he made you promise to text him between classes and let him know if you felt any worse

-and off you went

-honestly, you were fine up until halfway through your second class.. then you started feeling really cold and tired even kind of nauseous

-then in the third class your test was put onto your desk and before you knew it your teacher was saying “begin”

-okay. you can do this you thought to yourself. the test was easy enough with how much you studied, you thought about every answer and you tried to finish quick

-but then it was like time cut itself in half and the bell for lunch was ringing

-you weren’t even done the test yet

-“y/n you can stay in here until your done but i expect you to have it finished soon”

-one question left

-you don’t even remember what you ended up putting before you were up and giving the paper to your teacher

-kita was right there when you left the classroom

-“hey ..hey.. y/n”

-you could barely hear him you just flopped into his arms

-“okay I’m taking you home.. “

-“but..”

-“shh let’s go”

-you don’t remember getting there but then you were in your bed smothered in pillows and blankets

-kita came in

-“what time is it?”

-he looked at his phone “half past 4”

-“4?!” you jolted up “did you even go back to school?” “kita?!”

-he smiled at you “no but it’s okay y/n it was only one day. i wanted to take care of you

-you noticed he had a steaming cup of something in his hands

-“what’s that” you asked

-“its tea, but it’s special tea :)”

-“what do you mean” you laughed

-“my grandma showed me how to make it, it’s gonna make you feel a lot better”

-he’s so cute...

-“kita... you didn’t have to do all this”

-“i wanted to” he sits beside you and hands you the tea

-literally tasted like heaven

-“mmmmm oh my god”

-kita laughed and kissed you on the cheek before joining you in the bed

-you cuddled and watched movies on your laptop until you fell asleep, comfortable in your boyfriends arms

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zmayadw · 3 years

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Hello again :)

Heres a second part of my fanfic, as i said in previous post that i will add one or two. I know the begining might be a bit long and boring, but i decided my other two favorite Duskwood characters deserve some love ,too. :)

Thanks to all who took their time to read it!

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 2

Next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital. The bright light from the window made me squint my eyes, and my head throbbed as hell. „Arghh, too bright.“ I mumbled, as a cheerfull voice next to me responded „Well finaly, I was begining to worry you would never wake up! You know, you're taking those beautysleep advices too seriously.“ My eyes ajusted to the light, and I was looking at that cheerful, loving face, the face I knew oh so well. „Hmm, considering all, an extra hour or so of beautysleep is so allowed for me.“ I said, my voice hoarse a bit. She snorted „Make that 'an extra day or so'! You slept for almost three days!“ she said, walkig towards my bed and hugging me carefully. It felt good, just knowing she was there. She pulled away from me, her face serious. “What wer you thinking?“ „ I'm sorry Jessy, so, so sorry.“ I said, tears swelling behind my eyes. „ I know what I did was stupid, but belive me, I really tought I was doing the right thing.“ „The 'right thing' almost got you killed Maya!“ she yelled at me, wich made me realize just how much she was worried about me. I burried my face in my hands, tears falling down „Please Jessy, dont be mad at me, I feel awfull as it is already. I realize my actions wer wrong, but I cant undo any of it now. And God knows im more then happy to be alive, and Hannah too! And I know my „sorry“ might not be enough this time, but I reall am sorry Jessy, you cant imagine how much. But please, please, you have to forgive me, I couldnt stand if I loose you!“ I couldnt force myself to look at her, I was so scared she would just get up and leave. And who could blame her, really, after all I did, she would have every right to do so. Suddenly, my hands wer slowely being moved from my face, and i opened my eyes to see hers holding mine. I lifted my head, and our eyes met. Hers wer now also full of tears. She hugged me so fiercly, and even if everything still hurted me like hell, I was so reliefed and hugged her back tightly as I could. „Ofcourse I forgive you, Maya. I was so damn worried and scared that I will loose you!“ I was releifed to hear her say it, I hugged her even tighter, saying through my tears „I'm sorry Jessy.“ She held me like that for a while, and then pulled slowly back. „I'm glad you're ok Maya.“ She said, smile coming back to that pretty face. „Look at us! Bawling here like little kids.“ That made me chuckle, and i said whiping my tears „Huh, I never tought our fist time meeting would be with me in the hospital. But, hey, im not picky, i'm just glad I finaly had a chance to hug you.“ „I dont think anyone imagined this to be the place of your first meeting us. You do realize others will want to come and see you? Dan already wanted to come with me, he was mumbling something about how he owes you a whiskey. But i gave him such a stern look, he just kissed me goodby and said to say 'hi' from him and ran away from me.“ The tought of Dan being scared of Jessy made me laugh so hard, i got a little dizzy from the pain. Jessy noticed me vincing, quickly saying „But that can wait, you need to rest more first. It's not like you're going anywhere anytime soon!“ She looked at me all serious, and i understood why Dan acted like he did. „Dont worry, Jessy, I wont try to break out of hospital.“ I said with a grin on my face. „A bit of r'n'r is definatly what I need now.“ „Good! And since i'm clearly your favorite person from our little clique, you wont get rid of me that easy while in here.“ She said cheerfully. „Thanks, Jessy. I mean it, Im really glad you're here with me.“ „Me too, Maya, me too.“ She stayed with me that whole afternoon, and I was happy about it. We talked about everything we could think of: how we gonna take that walk arround Duskwood together, having coffee at the Rainbow caffee, going to Aurora for drinks. Jessy was so full of life, and managed to stay so positive through all of this mess. She told me that police gave her my stuff and my phone, and will bring me what i need. It wasnt so important, but i could really use my phone. It was like Jessy could read my mind, and she looked at me with simpathy „Did Jake contacted you?“ There was a knot in my stomack when she asked, because I knew I wasnt out in the clear with what I did with everyone just jet. „I dont know, Jessy, I guess i'll find out when I get my phone. But im sure Lily told him all about it by now, and to be honest, it's the one conversation i'm scared of having at the moment.“ „I'm sure it will be fine.“ „I really hope so, Jessy. I really care so much for him. I dont know for sure what he feels, and it doesnt really matter, I just cant stand the tought of him being mad at me. Or not talking to me anymore...I got so used of having him arround, even just virtualy..i dont know Jessy, i cant explain it... i just need him in my life. Does this make any sense to you?“ She looked at me, with care and a hint of worry showing on her face „Yes Maya, it makes perfect sense.“ We talked for a while more. She looked at the clok on the wall and jumped „Oh, yay I gotta go, forgot Im meeting Dan! He made me promise to meet later, since I didnt let him come with me here.“ „Heh, better go then, I dont want Dan blaming me AGAIN for getting stud up by you. Or he might not buy me that whiskey he promised, an to be honest I could really use it now.“ I sad smiling at her. „Ohh no, you two are gonna be a pain in the butt when you meet, arent you?“ she groaned, but a smile was written all over her face. „Dont worry, i'll behave..as much as possible. As for Dan, im sure if you join us and give him some of your 'scarry' looks, he'll behave too.“ She bursted out laughing. „Oh, cant wait for it! I'll go grab your phone real quick, and then im off.“ She ran for the door, stoped, turned arround giving me one more of her beautiful smiles „I'm really glad you're ok Maya.“ I smiled back,“ Me too Jessy, me too.“ She came back with my phone, plugged it to charge next to my bed hugging me quickly before leaving.

It was almost dark outside, and the room was so quiet since Jessy left. There wasnt much comotion in the hospital, and I appriciated it actualy, some peace after all the mess was a nice change. I stared at the window for a while, just enjoyeing the sceene of the sun setting down, the sky taking that purpleish-blue color. I was actually delaying the moment of turning my phone on, because I was scared. A the same time I hoped Jake would contact me, but then I was also scared of talking to him. Its been three days since the incident, and im sure Jake found out everything by now, so maybe he vented some of the anger off in the mean time. Ah, c'mon Maya, dont be a sissy! – i tought to myself – You stared death in the face, and showed it the middle finger, and you're scared of that thing? I took a deep breath, took my phone from the stand, and turned it on. It felt like forever for it to turn when i punched my code, and when it finaly did, i left it aside. The beeping of new messages, missed calls, new emails and all was the only sound spreading through the room. And with every beep my stomach reacted a bit, thinking if any of those beeps belongs to Jakes. I got so lost in my toughts, that a voice snaped me back, startling me a bit. A nurse smiled „Sorry hun, i didnt want to fright you. Just came to chek up on you, ask if you need anyhting and to give you some pain meds.“ She winked at me „It's the good stuff, will help you sleep better.“ „Thank you, mam, im good.“ I smiled back at her, and quickly glanced at my phone - 44 missed calls, 24 messages, 17 emails. That will be some time killing stuff. The nurse was done, she waved at me wishing me good night, saying to feel free calling her if I needed anything. I thanked her again as she left the room. I took my phone, my hand shakeing. I checked 'missed calls' first, and tho i didnt expect it, was a bit dissapointed Jake wasnt among one of them. I opened the messages, and Jessy's message was on top. „Sending you hugs&kisses!“ it was written under the picture of her and Dan, grining with their glasses raised. It made me smile, and i texted her back „Hehe, Dan must be happy you actualy came this time! xD Have fun you two, cant wait to join you. Hugs&kisses“ I checked other messages, and my hearth squeezed a bit when i saw he didnt texted either. I didnt feel like replaying to any at the moment, settling the phone back on the stand. I switched off the light above the bed, turned on the side, staring at now complete darkness throught the window. One tear rolled down my cheek as i closed my eyes, hoping sleep will come soon.

#duskwood #duskwood mc #duskwood jessy #fanfic

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vintagestrawberrydoll · 3 years

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tw in the tags (check those first)

my thoughts are like all over the place right now so this might not make sense so bear with me here. Back during the 2020 school year i fucked up with my grades by not doing my work (i did post some vents about it when it was happening), part of me wants to say it was bc i was being lazy and the other part of me wants to say it was due to my mental health issues (i personally think i was being lazy but i do have a bit of a warped view of myself due my mental illnesses) now bc of this i had to do all (or most) of my missing assignments which and there was a lot (also this was in my second quarter) but i understood that i fucked up and was willing to deal with the consequences (like summer school or whatever) but understandably i was stressed but i was dealing with it. I was still dealing with missing assignments even when i was dealing with finals and i had to do a project for math that i was putting of due to my missing assignments (which i knew i shouldn't have done but i was dealing with alot) anyways i got stuck a math problem (btw math is like my least favorite subject im bad at it and i always need help) and i tried really hard to answer it but i couldn't so emailed my teacher but she was taking a really long time to answer so i was like "ok i'll do other assignments" while trying really hard not to have a panic attack and my mother was on her way home with dinner so i was freaking out but was trying to remain composed and when she got home immediately told her everything and that i could deal with it on my own but my mother has like a bad temper and my oldest sibling even tried to stop her from reprimanding me but it didn't work. So about like five minutes later my mother came into my room where i was working and was basically telling me that this was all my fault, that i was fucking up, and whenever i tried to remind her that i was working on it she told me to shut up and kept on reprimanding me and telling me that i was just like my siblings (bc they also fucked up with their grades) and that i was lazy. She probably said more than that but i can't remember all of it cause i repressed the memories; anyways while she was reprimanding me she made me cry (like full on sobbing) this was due to the fact that i have rsd and no one can trigger it better than my mother. I think she also told me to stop crying then when she was done i went to the bathroom and cried my heart out. i sh by hitting myself over and over again, insulted myself, was going to high restrict the next day, and was kinda planning on killing myself. After i was done i made sure i looked like i didn't cry and went back to my room to work. I came down for dinner kinda binged and then went back to my room. now that i look back on this all im thinking is "what the fuck was my mother on?" I dont think i was diagnosed with rsd at this point so like my mother couldn't have known but like i have had these episodes before bc of her yelling at me or expressing disappointment at me, i think she always thought it was just my anxiety and that i needed to get over it and "stop using it as an excuse" her words not mine. Also she knew that i had dealt with sh in the past so couldn't she also taken that into account and thought "hm maybe i should be more understanding" but no. am i just overreacting? because my mother knew i have had these kinds of episodes before (like me sobbing and having panic attacks bc she told me off) and its not like this was the first time she triggered my episodes, i just feel like im stupid and overreacting bc my mother always makes me feel like im overreacting when i have these episodes and i think she hates when i cry but like in a "you make me feel gulity bc you're crying" way

#tw suici*al thoughts #tw self har3 #tw eating disorders #tw school #tw school trauma #tw panic attack #tw rsd #tw self hatred #tw ableism #?#idk if what my mother said at the end counts #tw mommy issues #vent #ventcore #actuallytraumatized #school trauma #actuallyanxious #ok to comment/rb #archyr speaks

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hargroves-angel · 5 years

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Cookies And Cream - 🏹🍪

Chapter 6 - Cheese Cake

A/N - Hope you enjoy! Smut, mentions of abuse, sad Billy. | Chapter 7 | Cookies And Cream Masterlist |

She didn’t know how to talk to him. She didn’t know what words to say.

Billy picked her up right on time, the casual smirk on his face, his sunglasses covering his eyes, his cigarette in between his lips.

“Hey doll, you ok?” He saw how her usual smile wasn’t there, she looked like she’d been crying.

“Can we talk?” She mumbled. He looked back at Max who was sat in the car. She looked preoccupied so he agreed and walked in.

She engulfed him in a hug the minute the door shut.

“I’m here Billy, I’m always here... I just want you to know that” she whispered into his ear softly.

Billy pulled away. “What are you talking about angel?” He chuckled. She lifted his hand to her face. The bruises on his hand from where he was pushed backwards. He shoved it out her grasp. Looking at her.

“It’s fucking nothing” he mumbled.

“Billy, I saw- I saw what he did to you...”

“You didn’t see shit, you understand?” His tone was harsh and cold he started to yell.

“Billy I’m sorry... I only want to-“

“Well you can’t ok! You fucking can’t, stop trying to be so fucking nice all the time- it’s- it’s so fucking annoying” he lashed out. Immediately regretting his words the second he said them. He watched the tears roll down her cheeks, she wiped them away.

“I care about you Billy- I- I...” She took a deep breath in. “I’m sorry- but if you do need me I am always here” She mumbled.

“Well I don’t fucking need you okay” Billy didn’t even think, the words spilling out. He slammed her door shut getting into his car, driving off.

“What the fuck happ-“

“Just shut the fuck up” Billy snapped. The regret he felt was eating him up. He hated shouting at Y/N, it was horrible, he felt horrible, he felt like his dad. He dropped Max off at school and got back into his car and drove away.

He needed to get rid of this horrible feeling, even if it meant skipping for the day.

Y/N walked to school. Her tears were brimming her eyes. She felt horrible... she felt as though Billy snapping at her was all her fault. But she also felt scared. She didn't like the way he shouted at her.

The day went by slow for both of them. Billy had spent it smoking by the lake. His feet planted into the ground as he took large drags from each cigarette, Nothing was working. He’d never felt guilt like this, he felt so angry... at himself. He threw the cigarette down onto the floor in anger. Shoving himself into his car, his arms on top of the steering wheel his head buried on top of them. Tears rolling down his cheeks. He felt vulnerable, angry, hot and guilty.

It hit around 9:30pm and Billy decided to go home, preparing to get an earful from Neil. He didn’t care, he knew what he had to do. Something he’d never done before... own up and apologise.

He dropped his car off in front of his house and proceeded to walk over to her house.

Billy knocked softly on the door. Preparing for it to get slammed back into his face, thats what most people tended to do when he fucked up, they wouldn’t ever let him back in.

She answered her face peaking through the crack of the door.

“Billy...” she mumbled. He didn’t say anything he just walked up to her and hugged her close. His hand stroking her head. She buried herself into him, she felt relieved that he was ok. “I was so worried about you” she sniffed.

Billy felt his heart melt, she didn’t slam the door back in his face when he showed up, she held him and told him she was worried about him. He felt cared about for once

“I’m so sorry Y/N... I’m such an asshole, you don’t fucking deserve this” he muttered into her hair. She pulled away.

“Shh Billy, it’s ok” she shut the door and led him upstairs.

“I’m so fucking sorry Y/N, I shouldn’t have lashed out like that, you’re not annoying, for fuck sake I-“ he almost let his words get the best of him. She hushed him. And took him into her arms, they rested on her bed. Y/N cradled his head on her chest.

“It’s fine if you don’t wanna talk about it Billy” She tilted her head, her fingers playing with his curls, he had his eyes open, staring out the window, seeing his bedroom, how you definitely would’ve got a clear view of it all.

“He- He hates me” he mumbled, his eyes stinging as his tears started to release. “I don’t know why Y/N, I know I’m a piece of shit son, I’m not at all what he wanted- I fucking smoke, I get bad grades, I’m an asshole. I’m- I’m fucking worthless...” he sobbed

She kissed the top of his head, letting him vent. She wanted to cry too, seeing Billy in so much pain.

“You’re not worthless, no ones perfect Billy... you’re a little rough around the edges sure, but to me you’re the kindest, most sweetest boy I’ve met, you’ve got so much charm and the kindest smile...”

She continued to play with his hair, listing his beautiful features.

“Y/N?”

“Yes Billy”

“Why am I so difficult to love” his voice cracked. This was the only time he’d let himself be vulnerable in years.

“You're not difficult to love Billy, the people who have told you that are liars...” She brushed his curls from his face and looked out her window, “because if you were so hard to love then I wouldn’t be in love with you” She mumbled. He froze.

“You...”Billy stuttered, his cheeks going red. She nodded.

“I know I haven’t known you long Billy but I’ve never felt like this before... you give me butterflies whenever I see you, even touching you makes time stop” billy sat up, looking her in the eyes, he didn't know how to respond, did he love her? Did he even know what love felt like?

She cupped his cheek with her hand. She leaned into him, placing a kiss to his lips. It was slow and sensual. Billy deepened it, pushing her backwards on the bed softly. He went back to kissing her.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, her fingers toying with his hair. She helped him out of his shirt, her hands tracing over his bare torso.

His breathing was steady. Her fingers got closer to his hips. “Woah, Princess you sure?” He hovered over her, she gazed into his eyes.

“I wanna show you how much I care” she whispered. Billy felt shivers down his spine. “It’s my first time... Can we go slow?”...

“I’ll be gentle. I promise...” this was it, the moment Billy had been waiting for, but it felt special, it didn't feel like something he was gonna want to forget.

He helped her gently out of her dress and kissed her stomach. Her pretty lace pink lingerie... did she wear that on purpose?

“You’re so beautiful” he muttered.

Y/N moaned at the contact. Billy felt himself harden, her moans were so pretty.

She squirmed as Billy’s lips ghosted over her panties.

“Those moans are angelic baby, I’m gonna make you feel so good” he slowly took off her panties to come face to face with her glistening heat.

“Billy...” she mumbled a little embarrassed of her blatant nakedness.

“You’re perfection angel” his thumb rubbed a circle on her clit. She whimpered, her legs shaking at the feeling. She was so wet.

Billy’s thumb picked up the pace, her moans getting louder, her fingers laced through his hair, tugging on his roots. He placed his fingers at her slit. Slowly he pushed one in, it smoothly glided in. He angled it so that it would hit the perfect spot, he thrusted it in and out gently. She whimpered, her hips bucking up as he pleasured her.

“Im gonna c- cum, Billy... I- I...” her hips lifting.

“It’s ok angel, cum for me” She moaned loudly as she came around his fingers. He chuckled and kissed her heat. She squirmed at her sensitivity.

“Billy I need your...” She bit her lip, embarrassed.

“Don’t worry doll, you can tell me” He kissed her neck, nibbling it and leaving a few hickies. Her breathing hitched at his nibbling.

“I need your cock Billy” she felt so excited saying those words. She wasn’t used to this. Billys cock sprang to attention after that. God was he excited now, hearing her innocent mouth say something so dirty.

“Oh princess” he unbuckled his belt and reached for a condom which had been in his back pocket ever since he’d met her, just in case.

He undressed himself. She gasped a little once he’d taken his boxers off. He was huge.

“What’s wrong angel?” He saw her worried expression. “If you don’t want to do this it’s fine, we can stop if you want” she shook her head no, she was really embarrassed now.

“Umm... , you’re so big Billy, will it fit?” She asked her innocent doe eyes fluttering up at him. He wanted to do so many filfthy things to her right now.

“Trust me princess, it’ll fit... just might be a bit tight” he hovered over her form. She was small against him. He lined himself up at her entrance and pushed in slowly. She mewled in pain and pleasure. He stopped. “It hurts a little bit baby but it’ll feel good in a second” she nodded signalling him to keep going, he pushed all the way in, she moaned at the feeling of him inside her. Billy started to slowly thrust. Being extra careful.

She whimpered as his cock hit the right spots.

“So tight” he groaned, moving his head to the crook of her neck pressing a soft kiss to it. The kiss forming into another hickie as he nibbled at her skin. He pressed a few more to her skin. She was a moaning mess beneath him.

“You feeling good angel?” he chuckled.

“Yes Billy... f-Faster” he nodded and picked up the pace thrusting faster and harder.

Her head went back, her moans were pornographic. Such loud moans for such a dainty angel.

She felt her release nearing, so did Billy who was surprised she was lasting so long considering she was a virgin.

“Shit...” Billy growled as he felt her walls clench around his cock.

“Billy!” She moaned his name, it sounding like a sweet sympany in his ear.

“Keep saying my name baby” she continued to whimper and moan his name causing his cock to twitch, his seed spilling into the condom.

“Holy crap” he whispered, collapsing next to her, removing the condom and shoving it in the bin next to her bed. “That felt amazing angel” he carressed her cheek.

“Thank you Billy” she mumbled as she leaned in for a kiss. Their lips connected in soft kiss. She curled up into his chest and fell slowly asleep, Billy felt so soft and fuzzy inside. That’s when it hit him. He was in love. He didn’t know how he felt about it, but he knew that was the case.

The problem with Billy was that he didn’t know if he could love someone, especially Y/N who was a special angel with a kind heart and a happy smile, he’d made her cry earlier, he let his temper get the best of him and upset her. How could he ever be good enough for her, even if she loved him back, there was no way he would let her fall down to his level.

He checked that she had fallen asleep and he gathered his clothes and slipped back home. He knew that this was the best option, he didn’t feel like it was fair on her. He couldn’t love her the way she deserved.

#billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove fanfiction #billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove x you #billy hargrove #billy hargrove x y/n #billy hargrove smut #billy hargrove fluff #billy hargrove angst

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cnc-hoebayb · 5 years

Text

So baby let my heartbeat be, the rhythm that puts you to sleep...

Wrote half of this in like a drunken rage the other night to vent, so don’t feel obligated to read lol i just need to get it off my chest..

Shoutout to my girls for being there for me while I’ve been going through it @imabasicqueen @la-saffron @quisieracnco ily

Also i love all you guys too

Bodies pass by like speeding cars. Your eyes dart along the scenery, trying desperately to focus on something- anything to keep you grounded at the moment. Your legs feel weak and wobbly and it seems like you could collapse at any given time.

The alcohol in your system only assists the intensity and everything is hectic. You wanna cry and scream and sleep, but your body can’t process. But it is taking in one thing. It’s a hand at your shoulder, the grip and familiarity snaps you back. “Hey..” the sound buzzes through your foggy mind and maybe you’re ignoring everything entirely, but you barely hear it until the voice matches with the face.

“Hey, you good?” Joel locks eyes with you, sensing immediately the distraught within. No words come out of you, there’s almost no energy to even want to speak. “What happened dude, what’s wrong,” he pries at you, focusing your glance up to him every time you tried to look away. His insistence breaks you, looking up at him with so much embarrassment and tears filling your eyes

“Whoa whoa, you’re okay.” He comforts in an instant, already wrapping his arms around your wobbly intoxicated body, and leading you out the crowded party. “Let’s go.” He drapes his jacket over your body and helps buckle you in the passenger seat. Tears drop onto your lap, a slow, quiet sob working up in your system. Joel already knows.

“Was it... Alejandro?...” he questions hesitantly from behind the wheel. Your heart skips a beat at the pain, still fresh and raw. The sobbing grows a little too much and you shake your head. “I’m such an idiot, Joel I’m sorry. I wasted your time,” the image of the man that seduced you danced in your head. You see yourself wrapped in his arms as you and Joel entered the party. It fades and you realize Joel’s talking.

“You didn’t deserve that,” he says. “I’m not mad, you didn’t waste my time at all.” He reaches over to pat your leg soothingly, radiating that brotherly protection he always had. “I’m glad i was there-“ he continues and before you know it, you’re at the hotel. “I knew i couldn’t trust him.” That sentence hits you and if it were possible to cry any harder, you’d be doing it by now.

The walk up to your hotel room is a blur, a mix of tears and makeup slide down your cheeks as Joel guides you inside. He sits you on the bed and talks you through it, but it’s going nowhere. Sobs grow more into anger- tears drying slightly and your tone of voice more threatening. “FucK hIM” you almost growl, and it sets Joel back a little.

“He used me this whole time,” you start to yell and your fists clench into tight balls. “T/N calm down it’s ok,” he desperately attempts to relax you to no success. He gets up and walks to the door with intent. “Gimme a minute i know who you need,” he zooms out and you grab a pillow with fury, screaming into the plush material. The night flashes back to you again.

This time it’s his hand on your waist, lips on your ear as he’s pouring you yet another drink. You giggle and he urges you to drink. “Be right back, baby girl. Wait for me k...” his voice rings in your ears and there’s so much more anger.

You throw the pillow across the room and slam your back onto the bed, hands buried in your face. Someone enters the room cautiously, and without thinking you lash out. “GeT OUT” you dart up and grab another pillow almost as to attack, but his strong tattooed hand grabs your wrist. “Richard, let me go!” You claw at his fingers and start moving away from him.

“Tranquila, whats wrong luv” his strong brow furrows in all seriousness, concern turning into something more. Your face is bright red with rage, your hair a tangled mess from running your frustrated hands through it over and over. Richard grabs your wrists and notices your still clenched fists. “Aight, i can see you’re goin through something. You need to talk it out?” Your jaw tightens and there’s nothing more you want than to vent- no not vent, yell.

“I’m just so angry,” your shaky voice starts up again, an underlying wave of tears ready to pour. “Ok then scream.” He says and you’re caught off guard. “I know what it’s like, and i know sometimes all you need is to scream and hit something and just let it out.” He grabs another pillow from behind you and places it in front of his chest like a target.

“So go at it,” he motions for you to hit the pillow in front of him and gives you a look that shows he’s there.

You hit the cushion softly the first time, testing it out with little sniffles. “I wasted so much time,” you start to let out, hitting the pillow again. “He was using me,” Richard pushes the pillow into your next blow, bouncing your force off of it. “How could i not know?” Your fists work faster and sloppily.

“He got me wasted so i couldn’t even notice,” angry tears well up unintentionally, all emotions being thrown on the table. You see Richards face harden at that comment and you keep going. “What were his intentions? Why would he make such an effort just to screw me over like this??” Your hands droop, throat a bit sore from the yelling already and Richard drops the cushion.

“He played me so hard, Richard. I feel so disgusting.” The topic feels too embarrassing, but the words keep flowing. “He told me things he knew would pull me in more. I can still feel his touch and it makes me want to jump out of my skin..” Thats all it takes. In a second, he’s jumping off the bed, his shoulders puffed up and face full of the same anger you had.

“That fucker,” he pulls out his phone and is already planning his fastest route to end this dude. “Can’t just treat you like that,” you pounce up to calm him now, knowing Richard was a man of action. “I swear to god he’ll never touch you again- I’m gonna make him wish he never laid a hand on you.” You wrap your arms around him, calming him now turning into what you needed the most at the moment.

“Richard it’s fine,” he drops his phone and chills out, letting your arms tighten around his waist. “It’s not, tho. No man should be allowed to do this scum shit” he engulfs you in a tight embrace, letting you bury your wet face in his warm chest for what feels like forever. He pulls away and kisses your forehead. “Don’t let anyone let you feel like you’re worth less than what you are..”

“Because you’rs so important to me, and if anything happened to you, I’d have to fight a homie on sight,” you laugh and sit back down on the messy bed. “I think maybe you need time to calm down now, Richuki”, the sheets and beneath you are ruffled from your angry fit, and you smooth them over with your hands. “Maybe you’re right.” He says and shakes off his frustration. “Hang tight luv I’ll be back”

He closes the door behind him, leaving you alone once again in the big hotel room. You lay on your side, fidgeting with the strings on your hoodie. A moment passes and the door opens followed by a little knock. Not wanting to lift your head up, you mutter out a little “hey..” and continue to stare absent mindedly in the distance. It was probably just Richard done cooling off.

A body sits at the foot of the bed, tickling your foot as it hung off the side. Not Richard. “Erick, qué haces papi? Why you here,” without looking at him you talk, not wanting him to see you looking like a mess. “Thought you’d need a mood lightener,” he says innocently and you almost feel bad for being so distraught right now. He doesn’t need to deal with this, he’s just a kid still. “Estoy bien, go back to your room Erick.”

“No,” he argues and you should’ve expected that, he was a persistent one. “No necesitas decirme nada, solo quiero estar contigo.” It’s silent as you don’t have the energy to argue back. Just laying there, Erick by your side quiet. But It doesn’t last long before he finally starts talking. Reminding you of the time you both scared Chris in the middle of the night by hiding in the kitchen pantry. Your heart feels light at the memory, that good point in your life, the people...

Little drops of salty tears slow and you wipe the last few with your sleeve to laugh with him. “He almost peed himself,” you finally pitch in to the story breaking your silence. “Sientes mejor?” He questions and lays next to you. You nod solemnly, not lying, but not telling the entire truth either. “Thank you Erick,” he grabs your hand in his and squeezes. “No sé que está pasando...pero estoy aqui para ti. Por siempre ok” he looks you dead in the eyes and you see the sincerity.

“Now go shower, you look pretty rough” he jokes and you punch his arm as he hops off the bed. Leaving you back to square one with a slightly lighter mood than before. The door closes and deciding to take his advice and shower off the night, you make your way into the bathroom. The hot water scorches tender skin and the tension starts to break down. Your mind drifts on and off about the night, invasive thoughts digging their way in one by one.

The ghost of his fingertips brush your skin and you want to wipe yourself clean of him. The images that manifest takw over, and you rush out of the shower in attempt to outrun them. With soaking hair and loose towel draped around you, you step out into the other room once again and are greeted with a soft smile. “Im guessing you’re all taking shifts with me now?” You joke and the big teddy bear in front of you smiles nervously. “Kinda yea,” his eyes dart away at the sight of you in just a towel and you act quick.

“Sorry I didn’t know you’d come out undressed,” he says shyly and you grab your robe. You wrap yourself in the thick material, throwing on a quick pair of shorts underneath. “Okay Zabdi, coast is clear.” He looks back up cautiously as you sit next to him, noticing the small ukulele in his grips. “Musical therapy,” he shrugs and you lay your head on his shoulder. “Can you play-“ he cuts you off and hands over the small instrument. “Nonono, you’re playing. It’ll distract you, i know how in the element you get when you play.”

Part of you wants to hesitate, but the moment fingers hit the strings something takes off in you. The sound rings in your bones and you’re lost in the strumming pattern, closing your eyes and letting it take over completely. The world fades away and the moment your eyes flutter open, it feels different. “That was beautiful,” Zabdi comments at the improv work and adds a signature compliment like always, “just like you.”

You don’t wanna protest but it hits you like a train. “Don’t call me that.” The wooden figure slips from your arms onto the bed, all insecurity flooding back. He’s shocked and confused, not sure how to react. “Now im not sure all that happened tonight. All i know is what Richard was heated about, and what Joel won’t tell, but...” he shakes his head and runs fingers through his hair stressed. “I don’t like what it’s doing to you.”

A pout falls over your face, not sure if it’s ready to cry or not. “I’m just not beautiful Zabdiel okay.” You wanna tell him so bad about it all, to tell him how much it hurts and how desperately you believed in someone’s lies. Because he’d know exactly what to say. He’d hug you tightly and never let go, tell you that that boy was never worth it. And that everything would be ok. But it’s not for him, and only small details come out. “I see all these girls who are so much better than me in every way. They’re beautiful and deserve the world and all the love they can have....”

His expression drops- shocked to see you in such a vulnerable state. “That’s just not me Zabdi. And i don’t know why, but i just can’t have the same.” He watches and roams his mind for something to say. You don’t want him to feel like he needs to pitch in, but that’s just the way he was.

“No me digas cosas así,” is the first thing out of his mouth. “You have just the same right as those other girls to have the world and so much more. You just can’t see it.” He’s scolding you, and it’s so odd to see this side of him. “You are beautiful and there’s nothing and nobody- especialmente un pendejo como Alejandro that should make you feel any different.” You cringe at the mention of his name and look away. “Mira, T/N. You’re the most beautiful person i know, inside and out,” He wipes a stray tear away.

“And this dude doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of defeating you. He’s not what’s going to bring you down-“ your heads snap up as the door opens one last time suddenly. A tall figure peeks in and your heart flips for the millionth time. “Chris,” your voice waivers and Zabdiel stands up. “Can I?” Chris pats Zabdi on the shoulder and gestures towards you. No doubt in his mind that he was leaving you in the best care. He ends it there, and with a solemn nod, Zabdiel gives you a strong hug and says one more thing before stepping out. “See you tomorrow- don’t forget anything that i told you.”

Chris waits for the door to close behind him and locks it, walking back over to you slowly. You shiver in your place, from both nerves and emotions, but also the slight breeze that came through once the door shut. “Take this,” he jumps into action, removing his big tour hoodie from his body and tossing it over. He looks away as you throw it on, giving him a little “ok” to turn around once you were finally fully dressed. You push back your damp hair into the hood and bundle up in a tight seated ball.

He sits next to you and before anything is said, he pulls you into his arms. He squeezes with all his strength, letting you fall apart one last time beneath him. His hand was firm behind your head, brushing your hair as you pushed further into his chest. “Chris i feel so stupid,” you admit and he shushes you like you would a baby, patting your back and whispering “it’s ok, you’re ok.”

“But im not,” and for the first time tonight it’s all on the table. “I was naive. I let him use me, let myself believe i was special, that i was lovable.” He brings you out of his chest, holding either side of your shoulders and watched into what felt like your soul as you pour it out. “I was there, and he was holding me, wooing me with lies. He called me his- told me i was worth something. And i bought it.” His fingers brushed by your cheeks and wiped away wetness there.

“I watched him do it all too. Because he kissed me. He kissed me and not even a second after he walked to her- to all of them. Feeding off their attention, lost in their beauty. He left me vulnerable and had no ounce of worry either. Not even when his friend started getting touchy- forceful.” You swallow your embarrassment of retelling the events and finish. “He had already gotten what he wanted from me so long ago. So why did he make such an effort for me to be there tonight??? Was it because i was his pawn? To flaunt me, kiss and touch me to make the others jealous. Or was i the last resort? For him to get me trashed and save me for latwr when all his other girls didn’t follow through.”

His eyes were sad, understanding and taking in all the details. “I could’ve been really hurt. But he didn’t even care. Joel was my savior tonight, if he hadn’t been there to see it all and bring me home... i don’t know what would’ve happened.” Chris sighs heavily and his look is the same amount of distraught as you. “I can’t think about that.” He growls with the same intensity Richard had earlier. “I literally can’t afford to think of that. I don’t know what I’d do if something were to happen to you and i could’ve stopped it.”

“But thats not your fault,” you add on. “I was so dumb to not tell you about tonight. I knew you never trusted him from the beginning and i felt beyond guilty.” You look down at your hands in shame. “I’m such a screw up, and I’m so sorry Chris. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m so unlovable...” his hands grab your face and focus your attention on him. “Your decisions and mistakes don’t define you, amor. The point is that you’re safe, and you’re here with me right now.” Thumbs brush over your features and instead of that sad look that worried you earlier, he’s smiling.

“And none of that is true,” he bites his lip habitually. “Because i love you. I love you more than you could ever even imagine.” Your mind wants you to believe it’s a lie, but you know Chris, and somehow this is real. “And this shit is killing me to even watch, if i didn’t know any better I’d already be up and kicking this dudes ass for ever touching you.” He laughs through his seriousness and you reciprocate. “Yea, you and everyone else too,” you add on referring to previous reactions from the boys.

“You think you’re not worth anything, but it’s not true. To me you’re everything. I see you and my world lights up, no matter what.” It’s a confession, but it’s not asking for anything in return. He knows you’re hurt and wouldn’t want to take advantage of it. It’s what you need to hear, though. “This will all pass. You never have to speak to that guy again, shit I’ll never give him the chance. You’re stronger than you think, and you’re smart.” You sniffle up the last of your emotions and stare up at him.

“And after it all passes I’m here,” he says. “And I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes.” You crash into his arms once again, every feeling at an all time high. “I love you too, Chris.” He lets out a breath of relief at that statement and hugs tighter. Your exhausted body droops in his grasp and he lets go, leaning up against the bed frame as you lay down with your head in his lap. “Please stay-“ you whisper and he rubs circles on your back.

“Leaving was never in my brain. I’m here for as long as you need me.” You close your eyes and he reaches for something across the bed. Zabdiel must have left his ukulele for you, because the sudden soft noise of plucking strings radiates through the room. He strums up a slow tune and you recognize it from the first chord- your favorite.

He hums along quietly and you feel yourself dozing off. The pain eases and it feels like they might’ve all saved you from spiraling any further down. It didn’t have to be instantly, or even completely, but you knew you were going to be fine. It wasn’t for yourself any more either, now it was for them too. You weren’t ready to give up on them yet, and you’re damn right they were not gonna give up on you any time soon.

#hey guys ily all #a lil dramatic but #if you EVER need someone to talk to pls hmu #and im no expert obvio #but if ur havin boy troubles and its scaring u PLEASE say something #im here for u guys

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yes-i-write-fanfiction · 6 years

Note

Im sorry but can I send an emergency ask?A year ago i was baker acted when i tried to kill myself, and ive gotten much better since then. But my im not close with my sister, and the other day she was yelling at me and said that all the problems my family has is because of my selfishness and “craziness”, and that i should just go away and finish the job. Im really hurt by it, cuz i felt so proud of my progress, now i feel like crap, how would the LL bots react to liaison in a similar situation?

*I know how you feel in a way. My sister is often emotionally and verbally abusive towards me, despite knowing about my mental history, so I recognized myself in this one. I just wanna tell you that I think you are an incredibly strong person to have gotten so far and is so willing to get better, not everyone can do that.*Rodimus is so furious at your sister that he almost burst into flames right there and then. How dare she!? After all you’ve been through! But as much as he wants to give her a piece of his mind he knows that you need him right now. So he takes you to his habsuite, proceeds to roll you into a blanket burrito and then just hold you. You know she’s wrong, right? It’s not your fault and her blaming you like that is wrong and totally uncool. She’s a real buttfart. He then proceeds to call her all the childish insults he can so he can make you laugh. Yeah, forget that meanie and just have fun, you deserve it.

Ultra Magnus/Minimus Ambus stares at her for a few seconds before the biggest frown ever appears on his face. He then asks her, with the coldest and most emotionless voice you’ve ever heard from him, to never talk with you again unless what she’s going to say is an apology. You are one of the strongest and most capable people he knows and while you may have had problems in your past you managed to overcome them. When the two of you are alone later he will pop out of his armor and just hold you in his true form. He doesn’t say anything but he doesn’t have to. Sometimes words are not needed.

Megatron’s plating flares and for a fraction of a second he’s the decepticon warlord again, full of hate and malice. Your sister must have seen the look on his face and decided that she didn’t want to die and ran away. Megatron turns back to normal and collects himself. As much as he wanted to hurt that hateful person he would not have done it. So he directs his attention to you instead and gently reminds you that what she said is not true. Trust him, he’s heard enough lies in his life to be able to see right through them and your sister is the worst liar he’s ever seen.

Drift looks at your sister in a way that only an ex-decepticon can do, optics cold as ice and full of disgust. Then, with an overly polite and sweet tone, he smiles while asking your sister to kindly go to the Pit and stay there. Seriously, he is pissed. How dare she? After all you’ve been through, after everything you’ve overcome? Drift doesn’t hate a lot of people but she just became one of them. He makes sure to comfort you, holding you close and whispering how wonderful you are into your ear. You are just so wonderful and strong, he adores you so.

Swerve sputters for a moment, his mind racing before he lets out a loud “WHAT?” cause he just cannot believe what she just said. Then he starts ranting. And he rants for a long time. Most of what he says doesn’t even make sense because he’s so angry that the words just mix together and become nonsense. Then he abruptly stops because he remembers that you are more important than that prick, picks you up and runs away. You know what this calls for? Movie night and cuddles. And he’ll tell you how perfect you are the whole time while kissing you.

Ten loudly gasps before a series of angry tens flow out of him. You don’t know what he’s saying but you don’t need to be a genius to see that he is upset. After he’s done telling her off Ten picks you up and leaves your sister, stomping angrily as he does. But the moment your sister is out of sight and earshot he starts fretting over you, extremely worried. He might not be able to vocalize how he feels but he can show you. He brings you in for a big hug and nuzzles you. He’s not letting you go for a while.

Skids is like “nope, fuck this, I ain’t gonna stand by and let you treat my wonderful s/o like this” so he takes you in his arms and flees to the vents. Well, not exactly fleeing, more like strategic retreat cause he ain’t letting this go. But right now you need his comfort so his vengeance will have to wait. Luckily he’s kinda prepared for this kind of scenario so there’s a hidden part of the vents where he’s stacked a bunch of pillows, blankets and snack. It’s your own little safe haven. So if you need to talk, talk. Feel like crying? The cry. He’s got tissues. And he won’t leave until you’re feeling better.

Riptide calls her a Unicron’s afthole before picking you up and leaving. He might have wanted to stay and yell at her but he knows that you are more important than her and needs his full attention. He takes you on a walk around the ship since he knows it’s easier to talk while walking and right now you probably need to talk. Hey, s/o, your sister is a real jerk, you now that? Hopes her nether regions rust over, or whatever the human equivalent of that is. You want a hug honey? Cause he’ll give you as many hugs as you want. And kisses. And if you want you can hold hands and cuddle!

Rung pauses for a second before taking of his glasses and outright begins glaring at your sister. He is mad, incredibly so, but he doesn’t yell as he tells your sister just how utterly wrong she is. He can see right through her, see all the little insecurities and fears that she has and a few carefully selected words is enough to send her running. Good, now that she is gone he can focus on you. He will take the day off just so he can spend it with you, comforting you and making sure that you won’t go into that dark place again. You’ve come so far and you are so strong, don’t let inconsiderate people drag you down, he knows you can do it.

Whirl is fucking ready to fight. Where is that bitch? He’ll punt her into a black hole! After he’s done comforting you of course. Hey, fleshy, you know that “sister” of yours was lying completely, right? She just wanted to be mean and get a rise out of you. Trust him, he does the same shit to others all the time, though he would never say something that low. Besides, nothing that she said was true. She’s only jealous cause you got together with the hottest Wrecker of them all and she didn’t! And you know he cares about you, right? He cares about you more than he dares to admit.

Fortress Maximus stomps down hard on the ground so it starts to shake, making your sister fall over. Then he leaves with you in his hands, not even bothering to look back at her. Mostly because he knows that if he did then he would start yelling and he knows that you don’t need to hear that right now. He’s really upset though and keeps muttering to himself while holding you close to his spark. Max does his best to comfort you and talk about your feelings but if you’d rather talk to someone else he understands. Just know that he’s there for you, ok?

Tailgate picks you up, cradles you to his chest, points to your sister and says “I never want you to speak with me or my wonderful wonderful s/o ever again”. Then he takes his hoverboard and flies out of there, with you still in his arms. He’s huffing and puffing the entire way back to your habsuite where he proceeds to sit down on the bed, drape a large blanket over the both of you and just cuddles you. Don’t listen to her s/o, she’s just a big ol meanie! A smelly pile of old energon! And… And it’s not your fault, any of that. You are not selfish, you are the most kind and incredible person he knows!

Cyclonus is, oh boy, he is NOT happy. Not one fucking bit. That sister of yours better run and run quickly cause right now Cyclonus is ready to stab a bitch. When he calms down he asks you how you’re feeling and it doesn’t matter what your answer is because Cyclonus will pick you up and carry you for the rest of the day. He doesn’t say a lot but he makes sure that you don’t feel bad and if he notices that you’re starting to get sad he will say something to cheer you up. All in all he acts like a guard dog. For your feelings. He will bark at those bad thoughts till they leave.

Chromedome gets seriously pissed. For a bot without a visible face he sure looks mad. Subtly he brings out the needles in his fingers, scaring your sister off. Yeah, she better run. Not that he would hurt her but he would scare the crap out of her. Then he turns his attention to you and oh boy he does a complete 180. He goes from angry murder machine to worried kitten in 0.3 seconds. Are you ok? Do you need a hug? Something to snack on? Whatever you need he will get it.

Rewind may be tiny by cybertronian standards but he’s still taller than any human so when your sister starts bullying you he stands up and looms over her threateningly. You know, he catched this entire conversation on camera and he can easily put it up on the internet so everyone will know what she said and what kind of person she is. So, she should probably shut her mouth and leave before he accidentally releases it, yes? Yeah, he thought so too. After this Rewind will absolutely pamper you cause you didn’t deserve to hear that and he fucking loves you.

Brainstorm gets eerily quiet at first. Then, slowly, he points a gun at her and tells her she’s got ten seconds to get out of his sight. He starts counting down. Your sister decides not to risk anything and runs off. Without saying a word Brainstorm picks you up and starts cradling you. His wonderful, amazing s/o. Please don’t believe her. You are fantastic, extraordinary. And if he ever lost you he wouldn’t know what to do (probably go back in time again). He absolutely refuses to let you out of his sight for the rest of the day and he takes every chance he gets to cuddle you.

Perceptor glares at her for a solid ten seconds before he tells her to leave and never show himself in front of you or him ever again. Pure bloodlust seems to radiate off him and she heeds his warning and runs off. Once she is gone he returns to normal though there’s a visible frown on his face. You know she’s just saying that to get under your skin, right? Not any of it was true. If anyone is selfish then it’s her since she can’t seem to think of anyone but herself. Do you… do you need to talk? He might not be that good at it but if you need him he’s there for you. So don’t… try anything stupid. He will always be on your side.

First Aid starts shaking out of frustration. He clenches and unclenches his servos and nearly cries in anger as he tells your sister how wrong she is. And if she believes what she said then she is the dumbest person he’s ever met cause none of that is your fault. Sometimes people feel like nothing matter, like they are empty inside and those people are the strongest because no matter what they continue to live, to love the people around them and try to get better. First Aid is still shaking as he embraces you. Please don’t ever let people like her get to you. He couldn’t stand losing you.

Ratchet explodes and starts yelling at your sister. He absolutely destroys any of her attempts to explain herself and once he’s done yelling at her she orders her to never, ever show her face around her again or he will eject her into the cold vacuum of space! He’s still pissed when she’s gone but he calms down for your sake. He is very gentle as he hugs you and he hugs you for a long time. Forget about her and what she said, ok? She’s a toxic person and will only bring you sorrow, believe him, he knows. You are not bothering anyone and he loves you more than anything else.

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mongolian-memes-blog · 6 years

Text

Vent of my life,

Hey whats a pippity poppin guys, I just needed a place to spill my shit. So we are going to go through a fucking ROLLERCOASTER of feels so get ready. So my lovely little story goes back to when I wasn't even around. My mother married a drugie who gave zero fucks about being loyal or about her (We're in California right now too). Then my mother got pregnant with me, things stayed exactly the same up until I was born. After I was born my biological father was like hey my guy kids are more money than drugs FUCK this shit xD and my mom was like oi this guy over here is a drugie boyo so she filed that divorce real quick. So she went to court for custody of me and he didn't even show up so she got all the rights to me. Then we moved to Colorado. Things were pretty good in Colorado she met the man who I now consider my father. Things were good in Colorado then my parents were contacted from San Diego by an old friend offering them a job. They agreed. We move to San Diego, here are the worst years of my life. So while I was in San Diego I was a minority, and I'm white. A white person as a minority?! There's no such thing you scream aloud. Well when you live in an all Hispanic city you are literally the only white person. Since I was different I was picked on, I was in many fights had things stolen and was constantly talked behind my back (heard some of it though punks) we also lived in the ghettos in the smallest house. well around this time (11) I started self harming and found out I rEalLy liked it? Save me your "OH EXCUSE ME THATS UNHEALTHY AN--" that's the only coping I had at the time. Well after likeee four years of that we left to Kansas (my parents got fired so that's why from San Diego to Kansas) and things were actually picking up and looking ok for once. I was in seventh grade, and that's when I got my first girlfriend, Mali. We lasted six months together and she was actually my first introduction into the LGBTQ community. I had previously been always involved with the church and my parents WORKED there so I had a very hardcore Christian upbringing. Going off topic here I absolutely hate what theyve done with Christianity. It's been turned into a religion where people think they are better than you and tell people YOURE GOING TO HELL FOR THAT! (Ive seen it many times so yee) so when's I first started dating her and found out she was bi I was shOOK because all I'd known was that's anything but straight man and women was immoral and horrible. This experience helped me realize that it's ok to have different sexual preferences but still I had some weird feelings towards it. We ended when she mysteriously was cancling our dates to go over to her friends house who happened to be a guy who always flirted with her xD. Well rest of seventh grade was uneventful. Ok now I'm in 8th grade, 14 years old. Things went smoothly until half way through the year I met a girl named niki, we lasted a month. She cheated on me with a guy named Juan and she actually got pregnant and then switched schools and had an abortion, wild. (At this time my father is a cop and my mom is an executive director) two weeks later I'm woken up in the middle of the night, surrounded by cops. I will never forget the fear I had, because I already had a feeling what had happened. My mother attempted suicide. She attempted to overdose by taking 70 Advils. I went over to a cop buddies house, I was told it was 50/50 of her making it. She survived, in school it affected me however I desocialized from everyone. Just a month later one of my favorite cousins attempts suicide, he also survives. This was around the time I was cutting pretty heavy after all this trauma. We keep going leading up to an uneventful second half of the school year, my parents are steadily getting stricter for no apparent reason. 9th grade comes along (14-15) in this year I instantly met a girl named Kalie, she was the first girl at the time I thought I loved. Looking back it was a toxic relationship and she really didn't care about me, what makes it worse is that she can cheated on me with my best friend. Not fun. So now im fucked up mentally after being cheated on THREE TIMES. Towards the end of the school year however I meet this one girl, Parker. This one was special. I could tell the second I saw her. Gorgeous, smart and sassy as hell. Well turns out we both have some mental baggage (mine being worse than hers) we both liked each other and eventually it turned into love. She actually treated me right. I actually felt loved. At the time I was thinking of killing myself, she saved me. She's improved my mentality by so much. She at first told me she was straight, she later told me the truth and how's she was pansexual but scared to tell me, well this was around the time were Christianity's was becoming more and more questionable to me. At first it really bugged me, I loved that girl so much but it did bother me because once again it's "evil" well she helps me see that sexuality isn't a big deal. She also supported me through me changing to agnostic, a big change because I had been Christian my whole life before. Now I see that love is love who fucking cares? I can see through eyes unclouded by prejudice. We both used to cut but have helped each other through it and have been four months free. Also my parents have been the most strict people in the world recently for unknown reasons. I have to ask permission to go see my girlfriend at her work and then only get twenty minutes. I've been grounded from her because my father made me walk home because he wanted me at home by 5 (I could get a ride at 5:10 but he didn't care) they wouldn't even get home until 6:30 I asked him how's that logical he said it wasn't he just didn't care. Sometimes i feel like it's on the brink of mental abuse. I've been told my opinion doesn't matter, and since I happen to be younger that automatically disqualifies anything I say. Also he said im not entitled to any respect. I was grounded for a month for losing a house key. He yells so the whole house can hear when I cut him off to say I feel like you're too controlling and you're hurting me even though he cuts me off religiously, I love him but damn. Well, now I'm a sophomore, ive got scars but also experience, I haven't had an easy life, my parents are overly strict, I'm a straight A student and I'm in love with my best friend, Parker.

#Vent #Real Life #Stories #Edgy #Teenager love #love #True love #Real #Funny #Cool

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time-2-vent · 3 years

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So. This is a master post about my grandma. Some of this has already been talked about here but I posted this on my private fb and wanted to keep it here too.

Okay.. so. This is gonna be a long and detailed one.

Ive never had a space where I could vent about my grandma to more than just people close to me without being blamed or her finding out. The only family I have on here is my mom and im hiding this post from her for various reasons. I understand if many of you can't read all the way through this because its gonna be a lot. I just want the people around me to have a better grasp on exactly why im so depressed.

Before I start im gonna add a trigger list because there is a LOT and im probably going to be very emotional typing this. A lot of it ive never spoken about publicly.

So for a list of TW:

Emotional, physical, sexual, and animal abuse, r*pe, p*dophelia, racism, su*cide, hospitals, ableism, be******ty mention, fatshaming, weight mention, f slur.

Okay. Im going to start at when I moved in with her. She tricked my mother into signing over custody of me when I was 10. When I was 9 years old I was forced into a mental hospital after being heavily overdosed on medications meant for adults to the point I was "sitting upside down in my chairs unresponsive and talking about tranquilizers" which i have no memory of. The hospital was probably the worst experience in my entire life and I was almost murdered by one of the older kids. After getting out of there I moved in with my grandma.

Throughout my life shes said and done so many horrible things to me. She would always yell and scream about the smallest mistakes. She used to pick me up by my hair. She was just fucking horrible to me.

Around the age of 10-11 when I started going through puberty she would always make fun of the way my genitals looked. She would ask me to stretch my labia out and move it around. Specifically she would ask me to "show me your bat wings". It was fucking disgusting but as a child I thought it was just haha funny joke.

For a while I thought I just imagined that until my mom brought it up to me and how she CAUGHT HER saying that to me multiple times. So I had confirmation that I wasn't just imagining it. I once confronted her about it and she immediately started crying (ive only seen her cry 3 times in my entire life) and told me if I ever said that again she would tell everyone in my family that I was a "prostitute" and would make everyone in my family hate me, and that it was my mother who did that to me.

My mom lived with me and my grandma for a few years but eventually moved out on her own because she couldn't handle my grandmas abuse.

My grandma dated my moms r*pist, which was my moms uncle, and told my mom she never got r*ped, and said my mom only fucked him for "attention and cigarettes". My mom was 12 at the time.

My grandma told me at 15 that the "only reason you think you're trans is because you got diddled as a kid"

My grandma called me a whore when I started becoming sexually active despite her having her first child at 16.

She once told me I was "just like my father" who is a sex offender and abused me as a child. I was also forced to give my at-the-time step brothers head when I was 3-5 and was taught that it was okay.

My grandma has called me every possible name in the book. Anytime she does something wrong its automatically my fault. She told me she would believe that im trans when I showed her my dick (at 16).

Shes incredibly rude and racist, says she hates how she can't understand Asian people. She's said the n word. She's made so many "jokes" about how "aggressive" Black people are. When my cousin found out he had Black in him she said, and I quote, "I always knew he had a n***r ass" which fucking disgusted me. Shes scoffed at my mother for limping. She scoffs at anyone disabled. Always says "you wouldn't catch me looking like that in public." She would tell my mom she was faking her pain. And coincidentally of all 4 of her kids, one was born with physical deformities. she says thats not the reason why, but she gave her up for adoption. She yells at anyone standing in her way who isn't aware. She is incredibly rude when she speaks to people to the point its embarrassing.

When I hung myself earlier this year and a friend came to pick me up she was yelling at me like "Oh so you went and tattled on me didnt you? Did you say oh boo hoo shes so abusiveeee!!" As I had literally just laid passed out in the snow from hanging myself.

When she found out I hung myself she bitched about how I had her snow boots and how she would have had to climb up the hill to find my fucking body as if it were a chore. She asked me if I wanted to be cremated out of nowhere and when I said no she replied "good I didn't want to have to pick your piercings out of your dead body" when I told her she made me want to kill myself she laughed at me and said "well then you'll never survive" my first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. A few weeks ago I started carving at my throat in front of her because im so desperate for her to LISTEN to me for 5 FUCKING SECONDS. I have legitimately cried on my knees and begged her to treat me like a person time and time again. She laughs at me and turns it around to my issues. She guilt trips me and makes me think everything is my fault. She calls me disgusting for having 1 or 2 shirts on the floor. She told me to MY FACE she will never see me as trans. Misgenders me, misgenders my friends. I jokingly told her one of my cis friends was trans, and when she left she asked me "does he really have a penis?" ABOUT A WHOLE ASS CIS WOMAN. She told me she ran over and killed a dog with a broken leg to "put it out of its misery" she would always use glue traps and I told her not to tell me about it so she waits until were in public and says "yknow whenever I catch a live mouse on one of the traps I throw it into a plastic bag and then go do the litter box to suffocate it". Shes threatened to make me pay the hospital bill when I called 911 because she was unconscious. She says horrible things to me EVERY FUCKIJG DAY. She's always making everying my fault all the time and sits and smiles while I'm sobbing and pouring my heart out because im tired of the abuse. Im so fucking tired. It goes on and on and on every day of my life. I literally slit my throat in front of her and she only stopped being mean for about a week. Im so depressed and mentally ill and this is beating on me every moment of my fucking life.

In not done but im shaking and need to stop typing for now

Edit: some other notable things, when my grandpa disowned me and stopped speaking to me for over a year she told me it was probably because of how disgusting I was. And "nobody wants to be around that".

She will ask me specific random questions about specific friends and if I dont know the answer or I forgot, she goes on a tangent about how terrible of a friend I am.

When I was cutting her hair she kept telling me I was doing it wrong, so I did it her way and she hated it and told me she's glad I didn't pursue hair because im terrible at it.

When my cat was dying she originally refused to take him to the vet because he was "just gonna die anyways so I might as well let him", then gave up her cat to the vet because she was peeing but didn't wanna take responsibility for that so she lied to them and said she showed up at her door and didn't tell them her age or even her name and that was so fucking cruel.

When she starts laughing at me sometimes she'll talk to me in a whiny "baby voice" and be like awwww, waaa im so abusedddd *mocks me crying*.

And she always talks in a tone that sounds pissed off and seems confused when I feel like I'm being scolded.

She gets in my face and puts her finger in my face and backs me into corners sometimes and then when I smack her hand out of my face she says she'll put me in jail for abuse.

Oh yea and simetimes when she gets mad at me she'll be like "ok GIRL" in the middle of me talking. Like its annoying and uncalled for.

I cant believe I forgot this holy shit. Years ago (was a minor here as well) I was attacked by my neighbors dog and it knocked me down and when I got home my grandma was accusing me of be******ty and said she was "watching it fuck me" and I was so fucking disgusted and hurt.. I try to block that from my memory because it was my third dog attack and I was traumatized.

She also regularly calls her brother a F@ggot. He is the only lgbt family member (he's gay) that i have.

She regularly fatshames people while only a few feet from them. And will whisper to me about how disgusting they look.

She asks for all of my friends deadnames and gets mad when I dont answer.

"I can't be abusive because I give you a home. I could have let social services take you."

"I cant be racist because my ex husband is Black"

"You must be living in a fantasy world where you make up shit that ive done."

"Id be depressed if I stayed in bed all day too."

"I need to learn to have lower expectations for you."

"I'm starting to resent you. So ill be taking 200$ a month for rent." (She has stopped this thankfully)(edit #2, she started taking it again im gonna be here forever lmao)

When I was underweight she would say things like "you look like an aids patient." And "Are you trying to look like your mother?"

"You're a hoarder"

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katekvne-blog · 7 years

Text

Standing up for her

Request: hiya love can you do a imagine where y/n is in the fencing team , y/n would be walking in the hallway with her uniform and saber (a certain sword they use in fencing ) and y/n sees Hannah getting bullied by the guys like sexual harassment and out of no where y/n pulls out her saber and just says something really badass leaving everyone speechless and leaving Hannah being bestfriends with y/n . Y/n teaching clay and Hannah to fence the next day.

Words: 1001

Warnings: swearing and catcalls.

A/N: Hello lovelies! Thank you for sending in requests. To the people who sent in asks for imagines requests, I see them and I’ve added them to my list. I feel self conscious in posting my works here but I see your comments and I just feel so grateful and motivated by it so thank you so much! Also, I’m still taking imagines request but it might take some time posting them because I’m working through other requests please bear with me! Lastly, I’m not sure if this is badass enough, but anywayI had fun writing this. I hope you like it! Im sorry i suck at titles

It’s only the third period of the day and honestly, you couldn’t wait for this day to be over and vent your frustration in fencing. Since this morning, everyone has been buzzing about the childish list of who’s hot and not. It swiftly circulated among students, especially with people posting it on their snapchats and instagram stories. The thought of walking through the halls was revolting as numerous catcalls have been thrown at you ever since people saw the list. Ridiculously, some people genuinely believes it was a good thing to be labeled as ‘best tits’. Sighing, you walked close to the lockers trying to avoid further encounters before you finally give in to the urge to smack someone in the face.

“Hey, Clay!” You slowly approached the brunette feeling your nerves calm down at the sight of him. Clay shot up at the sound of his name, he closed his locker and faced you with a meek smile. You caught him steal a quick glance at your bosoms, while Clay may be one of the more well meaning guys in this school he has a bit of a tendency to be oblivious to social cues.

“Anyway, you and Hannah working at Crestmont’s tonight?” You asked tiredly, just trying to make conversation.

“Yeah. Are you coming by?” He asked.

“Yupp! I’m going with some friends after our fencing pra–” The loud hollering and laughing caught your attention. You saw Hannah Baker walking, oblivious to the boys making lewd gestures behind her. She stopped in her tracks and turned to look behind her, with this, the boys immediately stopped what they were doing. Visibly uncomfortable, Hannah went to get her things in her locker while some of the boys remained across her whispering, laughing and checking her out. You side glanced at Clay who just stared at the scene unmoving.

“Atkins needs to do better work on you.” You sighed and walked determined steps towards the group of tall and proud men, no, tall and proud boys. With their mighty letterman jackets making them feel like royalties of Liberty high, add in the other people feeding their egos then you got yourself a group of entitled dicks. Eventually, you decided to just walk pass the group and approach Hannah, lightly tapping her shoulder. Seeing her flinch, you shot her an apologetic smile for surprising her and told her you’ll wait for her so you can go to fourth together since you have the same class anyway.

“Look at that ass tho.”

“Best ass, man. Oh the things I would do to that. ”

“Definitely would hit!” Some boys yelled, obviously intentionally being loud. Hannah was noticeably paralyzed for a second and her eyes becoming teary. Still, she chose to ignore and go on about her business more rapidly. You, on the other hand, was getting really tired of how people have been treating you since this morning and seeing it being done on another girl is just as repugnant as experiencing it. You growled facing them and pointing your sheathed saber at their faces. You coldly stared at them, savoring their shocked expression. You felt Hannah touched your arm telling you to calm down and that it’s ok but you just shrugged it off.

“What? Didn’t expect anyone would clap back, you good for nothing immature assholes.” You asked. Before they could say something, you cut them off, “So high on your throne that you couldn’t get laid, huh? Is that why you resort in terrorizing women in this school? That’s really pathetic!”

“Bitch, we were a compliment on her ass.” One of them defensively retorted. You closed your eyes in exasperation before glaring at the three of them.

“Pretty sure compliment and harassment isn’t the same thing. Learn the difference before you find out the hard way. And if I see you terrorizing other girls again…..oh the things I would do to your dicks.” You smirked waving your saber in slicing motion.

“Feeling complimented now?” You snarled. Silence. “No? Good you’re getting it. Now….Walk. Away.” You calmly said placing down the encased saber by your side. The three boys walked away mumbling things and calling you names that you don’t bother caring to listen to.

“That is definitely going on the yearbook.” Tyler smiled awkwardly at you as he passed by, camera in his hand. Calming down, you pinched the bridge of your nose and just flashed him a tired smile before talking to Hannah.

“Damn! That was badass, y/n.” you heard someone yelled.

“You go girl!” Sheri winked at you, giving you a quick hug before walking away with her circle of friends. You heard several other people thanking and praising you for standing up to the boys.

“You didn’t have to do that, y/n. But…thank you so much. People can be assholes and maybe a reminder not to be dicks is what this school needs.”Hannah smiled grateful at what you did.

“That was brave and awesome. Fencing is paying off huh?” Clay said approaching the two of you.

“Hey, Helmet.” Hannah smiled.

“Hey, Hannah.” Clay smiled returning the greeting.

“If my recent outburst is anything to go by, I’d say my self-discipline still needs work…..but I guess it is paying off.” You smiled.

“Fencing, huh? Maybe y/n could teach us a thing or two…right Helmet?” Hannah jokingly said looking at Clay for backup, while the latter just chuckled and nodded in agreement before walking away to go to his class.

“Sure, if it means I get free tickets at Crestmont in the duration of our sessions.” You winked at Hannah riding along the joke.

“Well, we can make negotiations later. What do you say for some milkshakes at Rosie’s?” Hannah asked.

“Good idea! I have two hours free before my practice anyway.” You grinned.

Unbeknownst to you, it was the beginning of frequent trips to Rosie’s and Crestmont. Of chill out sessions just talking about school, people, and life in general. Of milkshakes against bad days. Little do you know, it was the beginning of a long lasting friendship.

#13rw imagines #Hannah Baker #Clay Jensen #Jeff Atkins #Zach Dempsey #Justin Foley #Tony Padilla #Montgomery de la cruz #Alex Standall #Jessica Davis #Marcus Cole #Courtney Crimsen #Tyler Down #Sheri Holland #Ryan Shaver #13rw #13 reasons why #thirteen reasons why #th1rteen r3asons why

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torvus-bong · 7 years

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not asking for money. tw in bold

I just need to vent with some degree of anonymity but still get it out... it’s about my family mostly, I was assaulted last weekend and there’s a lot of ablism and transphobia happening. there’s talk of cancer, self harm, suicide. I don’t really have irl friends and im really lonely. bc i dont really have anyone to talk to i get long winded. so, long post. idk who else to tell. im just shouting into the void and hoping someone hears me. :’( I need loving vibes if you read this.

so if that’s not something you want on ur dash just scroll past.

So, quick background, my mom has brain cancer, her husband is an entitled, sexist asshole, and my brother’s also an asshole. It’s fair to say my mom and I are assholes sometimes, too. I’m mentally ill; I have been formally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar 2, epilepsy, and generalized anxiety. I’ve been on disability for the past four years. My mom has been dealing with her brain tumors and their adverse effects for fifteen years, although the cancer diagnosis is actually very recent.

I came out as Two-spirit (non-binary) about three months ago. I changed my name and my pronouns. Everyone has been great about it, and by that I mean the miscellaneous acquaintances I sometimes interact with, and my partner & friends on the internet... everyone but my fucking family.

I give my mother a pass. I know she has memory problems and she really tries her best. It’s okay. But her husband and my brother? They don’t even try. In fact, they’ve all (including my mom) very deliberately deadnamed me for the specific purpose of hurting me.

My brother is excessively rude to me and I don’t understand why. He’s 19 and I’m 23. About a month ago, he walked in the backyard while I was outside vaping, and he tried to hand me my headphones that I’d forgotten in his truck. I can’t pause a vape bowl without wasting a bunch, so I asked him, “Can you throw it on my bed on your way to your room?” (His room is beyond mine in the hallway.) Well, if I didn’t just ask for the whole fucking world. He slammed them down on the concrete and yelled at me that he just came home to do yardwork and he isn’t going inside. Ok. My mood was really low that day and that upset me a lot. When he was done and coming back to the yard I asked him to apologize for yelling for no reason, but he just yelled at me again.

I went inside to clean the kitchen, because cleaning helps me feel better sometimes. He comes inside (omg, I thought he wasn’t?) and starts antagonizing me again when I told him he was being very rude and hurtful. Tells me I was an asshole to him when we were kids and I never said sorry for all the shitty things I did. In actuality, I have apologized for specific wrongs because I grew up and felt guilty about them, yknow? But when I said this all he shouted was, YOU’VE DONE THINGS YOU’RE NOT EVEN AWARE YOU’VE DONE TO ME.

I was holding a sharp knife when he said this. the voice in my head told me I am awful and need to be punished. Long story short, I cut myself too deep. I lost a lot of blood and nearly went into shock. He drove me to the hospital and my mom met us there. since it was after her treatment and she was tired, I told her to go home. I thought that my brother would come back or that my mom would call or text me. Nah, they just left me there by myself, for seven hours, while I waited for stitches in a mental health crisis. Nobody texted me. I got a taxi home. :’( He never apologized.

Now, dave, my mom’s husband... he could get his own post, that’s how much I hate him. he’s been with my mom on and off for 20 years, and they got married 7 years ago. I never liked him. when I was a teenager, he felt it necessary to install a program on all the computers I used that took a screenshot every two seconds and keyloggers. He was supposed to stop when I was 18 but he didn’t. This caused a huge fight... he’s also screamed in my face before. Keeping in mind he is 6ft 4in and 300lbs and I’m barely 5ft 7in and 200lbs. When I was a minor, he’s tried to hit me. He was chasing me into my room, and I closed the door and put my back to it. He threw himself against it three times and broke in. It left a serious, doorknob-shaped bruise on my lower back. He tried to bend me over his knee to flog me with a belt. I was a 16 year old girl.

He’s also turned off the power to my and my brother’s side of the apartment (when we lived in one, we live in a house now). My brother couldn’t fall asleep without the weather channel as a kid, and when I couldn’t sleep I wrote. He would turn it off so I didn’t have lamplight to write by in my insomnia, and upset my brother’s sleep in the process. My mom was pissed when we told her.

I use medicinal cannabis, but before I got my licence, I relied on street stuff, and no one in my household (except for my mom) approved of this. One time, when I was in a really bad crisis, she gave me ten dollars and told my brother to drive me to get a gram. I left my bong and grinder on the balcony, out of sight. When I got back, it wasn’t there, so I checked my backpack thinking maybe I put it away. Wasn’t there. I remembered seeing dave with a garbage bag when I walked in... he never ever ever lifts a finger around here. I put two and two together and go talk to my mom and tell her that I’m pretty sure he’s trying to take my shit. I was in a crisis and gosh, I really fucking needed this bullshit right now. He played stupid at first (”What?! She has drug paraphernalia in the apartment?!”) but when my mom wasn’t buying it, he ran out the apartment with my bong and grinder in the garbage bag. She runs after him and tells him to stop at the end of the hallway. Basically, I got a running start and knocked him over, shattering my bong. I hurt him pretty bad, too. I did get my grinder back though and my mother bought me some papers. This wasn’t the only time when he’s taken and broken my shit.

This asshole has also cheated and lied to my mother multiple times. He believes he is entitled to relationships with other women and that my mother should just get over it. This is not within the boundaries of their marriage.

My mom is generally a fucking angel and she deserves so much better. He does nothing around the house, everything falls on my shoulders bc mom is ill and my brother is a lazy, entitled shitcouch as well. dave is also never wrong. You literally can’t argue with him because no matter what you say, his response is the correct one. And even if you are right and he can’t deny it, he’ll pretend to think it through/physically work through the problem ‘by himself’ and pretend he came up with the right answer all along. That kind of person.

So he was calling my mom an emotional abuser because she doesn’t trust him, for the reasons in bold above and also because of the things he’s done to me. Wow, right? Apparently, because the cheating and lying happened “years ago” (in reality, the most recent incident was six months ago), she should just get over it and trust him again. You know what? The shit that I did as a teenager happened years ago too. Maybe get over your fucking grudge before you try to tell someone else to get over their very justified “grudge”.

He was accusing her of emotional abuse because of this, and because she got really upset when he disappeared into the basement for a six hour nap. He had only been awake for three (to drive her to radiation), and before that, he slept for a full 14 hour night (7pm to 9am). After that radiation appointment, she slipped into one of her odd episodes where she gets extremely confused and non-verbal, and her body tenses up from the sheer amount of pain she’s in. It’s a really vulnerable state that she doesn’t like to face alone.

Well shit, she’s an emotional abuser for being upset that he went to nap for 6 hours and left her alone in that state. This resulted in a heated argument. The stress of it all was pushing my mom into another of the episodes described above, the first sign of which is a marked change in her voice - she sounds a little drunk before she goes non-verbal. So that’s happening. And then he’s trying to power play (”I’m going to get you a pill. You don’t want one? I’ll get one anyway. Give me your magic bag.”) but she didn’t want his help. I am listening to this from my bedroom and I can’t take it anymore. Upon entering the living room, my mom is shriveled up in her chair, arms crossed over chest and leaning away from him. he’s standing less than a foot away and leaning over her. I walk up and say, “I don’t like the way you’re talking to and intimidating my mother right now.”

He turned around and says, trying to intimidate me,” No one is intimidating anyone.”

I’ll spare the long-winded details but this lead to a physical altercation. I shoved him away from my mom, then he threw me into a table, threw me to the ground, told me I was “gonna be locked up in a special apartment where special people can take care of [me] for the rest of [my] life”, and punched me in the face before running out the door. My mom is crying at me that he’s gonna kick me out. I have no where to go. She asks me where I’ll go and I just shake my head.

My brother pipes up, “And you’re sitting there shaking your head and I just know you’re gonna making your living situation mom’s problem.” And walks away. Thanks, shitcouch.

I tell my online friends about what happened. I try to get in touch with old friends in the vicinity, to try to get out of the house for a few hours, maybe even a few days. Nobody wanted to help or hang out. They all just told me to call the police, 3 days later, but I didn’t want to. I knew that no charges could be laid and that he’d try to kick me out. But everyone just kept pushing. So I did. You know what happened? I reported it on the non-emergency line. They came here to assess for like 15 minutes. No charges can be laid because it was a mutual fight (eye roll). And he tried to kick me out.

My mom gave me a month’s notice yesterday morning.

So thank you, everyone who pressured me into calling the police. Now I will be effectively homeless in a month, because I can’t afford an apartment on my dismal disability budget. Plus I’m at way higher risk for suicide and self-harm when I live alone...

I’m still trying to find places to go and people to listen... and I’m appalled and broken by the rejection. If someone had come to me with this same problem... I would let them into my home without a doubt. :’( But I’m stuck locking the doorknob on my door to feel relatively safe. I’m thrown into near-panic when I hear him walking by my room. My entire body shivers with hatred when I hear his stupid voice or his awful, cavernous breathing, or the way he eats and drinks like a fucking pig. I can literally hear these things through a closed door. I’m going insane. Suicidal thoughts and plans that have been in place for years swirl in the background noise in my head, and forgive me for being melodramatic... but in light of recent events, I really feel like the end is near...

#sorry #vent #im really sorry #ugh #im just struggling so much

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fuck-customers · 7 years

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Ok so major vent/fuck coworkers post because I swear if I don't I'm going to punch this fucker's teeth in. Its long without a tl;dr so im sorry viewers There is this slimey mother fucker at my work... lets name him Graig... and he is that insufferable "teacher's pet" kind of person (read as: the store manager's bitch), and hes that fuck that will kiss everyone's ass and act really nice and polite but then actively talks shit and tries to snitch on u for something u may or may not have done the moment ur back is turned. But he talks the most shit on people who are "in his way" (ie: people whi arent managers but are still in a higher position than him) and he actively tries to sabotage blue shirts because he thinks that if the one in front of him is gone they have no choice but to make him a blue shirt. In every case he successfully pisses off a blue shirt to the point they leave, my manager just hires another blue shirt Here's a little segway to explain how the heirarchy of Dankin Doodoos works. At the top of a specific store is the manager who wears a red shirt in the middle are the shift leaders who wear blue shirts and at the bottom are the crew who wear white shirts Now backstory for Graig so this will make sense: at this point he is a White Shirt and hes pissed because he is p much the store's bitch and all he does is complain about how he doesnt have a Blue shirt, how he deserves a blue shirt even tho he takes waaaaay too many short cuts, actively ignores when Blue shirts ask him to do something or tell him to move to a different station, actively creates and perpetuates rumors to cause discourse, is very rude to customers, didnt know how to do most stuff that ur p much supposed to learn in training, literally fucks up most of his drinks, etc the list goes on and on for why he shouldn't have one and shouldnt even work here for that matter and we were all even told by our District Manager (a big higher up) he will never have a blue shirt. I came to work at this location after him but as a whole I was an actual manager at my old store so i was immediately put in a blue shirt position. He was not happy about that one fucking bit. I didn't care. I was nice to him, hoping if i didnt give him anything to bitch about hed eventually fuck off and do his goddamn job. Now onto the reason I say fuck Graig. I used to stream myself playing video games on twitch on my off time from work, which was A) a great stress reliever and B) something I've wanted to make a career for a while now. My manager knew I used to do this because I'd gush about how much I loved doing it so much. Id given a lot of my coworkers my twitch url and told them to come watch some time and it was all fun! But then one day my manager calls me into the office (with, of course Graig pretending to need shit out the office every 5 seconds so he can eavesdrop) and she tells me that someone had sent the url of one of my stored videos on twitch to my the district manager. It would have been all good, because i literally never say anyone's name and i never say i work for Dankin, it was just a fun stream i did with my friend and honestly my hair was long and i look way different with my hair pulled up so i might not have even been recognised so any of the foul language and dicks and stuff i joked about wouldnt have even mattered. But of course they absolutely had to try and get me with something, so they saw my shirt, which said DankinRonpa (a parody of Danganronpa) on it with a bear on it was close enough to the Dankin Doodoos design that I was representing my location and decided that everything i was doing was inappropriate so I was literally almost fired. And my district manager even made the comment that she had saved the url to my page so that shes going to check in from time to time to make sure im not doing anything inappropriate. Thankfully my manager saved my ass by pointing out it was a first time offense, i didn't know that my shirt would let people know where i work, promised it wont happen again etc etc I was so upset i still havent back streaming because im terrified shell keep her promise. So now if i want to continue streaming i have to abandon my current twitch channel (and all 200 followers) and start fresh. Of course after my shift is over my actual friend that worked there at the time also as a blue shirt let me know that Graig decided he had "had enough of me" and decided to prove that he had "eyes everywhere" and sent the link to my district manager. And the kicker? The real fucking kicker? He got a job as a assistant manager at a dollar corporal and he had put in his two weeks in the same fucking email he sent my twitch url in. He legitimately had no fucking reason to do it other than to be a petty piece of shit. Oh and even after he left, he kept calling the store, asking whoever answered the phone how much they were making, then told them they could make more at his dollar corporal like are you fucking serious? And what hes doing is trying to convince people to leave their job here and to come work under him. And from what the other managers say, its because he acts like hes a fucking bigshot and yells at everyone and hes already driven off half the staff. And wouldnt you know it, because of that they severely cut his hours to the point where he came crawling back this past week. But because right now, my store is so severely understaffed because all the hires have additudes and refuse to come in on time, they damn near handed him a blue shirt. But he always nags me when i dont let him touch my drawer or count the safe, or let him in drive thru. "Oh why dont you trust people?" And then try to guess why: "is it that rumor i heard about you getting in trouble over youtube?" And honestly that pisses me off even more because he was there when i had the conversation with someone esle i worked with and even asked questions about it, so he knows. And one of these days hes going to catch me when im not in uniform and not in the store and im gonna whoop his fucking ass if he doesnt leave me alone

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rootivy-archive · 7 years

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here is my story I couldn’t post a link because the account I made it on was my school account and y’know

An Octive.

Octive Come quick! What happened?! Said Octive in a concerned tone JUST COME! Octive get’s up and follows her sister. Who is that? She whispered “she has to be playing a prank on me!” I don’t know. Should we leave the house? I DON’T KNOW “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING MY GOD” Whispered Octive SHUT UP Said her sister We don’t have time to fight! For God’s sake there's some creep sitting on our couch and we have NO CLUE who it is! We just got to get out of here, Ok? Ok

Chapter 1 Shadow

Let’s go. They heard footsteps. What’s that sound? Oh crap LET’S GO! They run away Meanwhile on the other side of the house.. Annie! Octive! Were home! They turn to look at the couch. They see a shadow for a split second.. But then it disappeared Annie is that you? OCTIVE! ANNIE! Back to Octive and Annie HURRY UP! Let’s go! That thing probably heard us! They hear a quiet chanting of their names “Octive! Annie!” OH MY CRAP THEY KNOW OUR NAMES GO GO GO! They open the door and run out to the tree they always sat at when they were kids. They saw their Mom Pacing outside holding her phone. Annie. Octive said while poking her, Trying to get her attention What? Annie Said Look it’s mom! She looks scared I think they think we got kidnapped Said Octive in a concerned tone Where? I can’t see I forgot my glasses in the house

She’s next to the front door pacing. Oh we should tell her then said Annie

She is holding her phone too, With that added we should really tell her! What if she calls 911! Said Octive sounding paranoid Wait what if it’s a trick?! What if the figure is trying to trick us into thinking it’s our mom but it’s the figure! Said Annie what’s the chance that it’s the “figure” To be honest I just think our eyes were playing tricks on us. It happens alot to Bethany

Who? Said Annie My best friend?.. You seriously don’t know who she is. No clue She comes to our house every other friday To work on homework Octive said while waving her hands. “Homework” Annie said While holding up air quotes Shut up we do do homework! Said Octive.. Sometimes She murmured Back to the parents What should we do Mary? Should we call 911? No I will text her one more time and if she doesn’t respond then we will call the police. Ok? Ok they're your kids. They will be your kids soon too

They walk inside the house Back to Annie and Octive *Beep beep* who is it Octive? Its mom! Reply reply! To Mom: Hey sorry me and Annie are just hanging out at the South tree sorry if we scared you! SEND There I sended it! Said Octive Okay good! Said Annie Happily *Beep Beep* Who is it now?! Its mom again Said Octive Oh ok From Mom: Send me a voice message NOW! Octive sends a voice message Saying: MOM I’m okay I promise! Go check the South tree If you want to know so bad!

Chapter 2 Just a normal day

Should we head back? Asked Annie I don’t know should we? Replied Octive Let’s go They walk back to their house. GIRLS! Their Mom comes running

and gives them a hug. Mom! Stop Octive said in a muffled voice I’m hungry did you make food? Said Annie while squeezing out of her mom’s arms Annie runs to the fridge No annie I’m still making food Said Geo

QUICK EXPLANATION

Annie and Octive’s mom Mary was married to their dad but they ended up getting a divorce because they were “drifting apart” A few years later Mary came out as being lesbian now she’s in a serious relationship with a woman named Geo.

I’ll go make it now hun Said Geo while walking to the kitchen Girls you should go and change into your your pajamas you guys got your first day of school tomorrow. And Octive’s first day of highschool! Said Mary UGH I really don’t want to go! Yelled Octive. It’s not that bad Octive. Says you. You’re the smartest person I know you finish an essay in an hour! LIKE HOW Octive said in a jealous tone Oh stop you’re making me blush Octive rolls her eyes I’m gonna go change she says Did you even signup for your classes Octive Annie yells trying to get her attention CRAP MOM WHAT DO I DO! HAHAHA Annie laughed. I signed you up yesterday don’t worry Said Mary Oh ok good She said while walking to her room be right back. Back In the kitchen It’s done! Bye girls! I got to go work. Love you and don’t go to sleep to late! Ok! Bye mom LOVE YOU TOO! Octive yelled from her room Bye said Annie while texting her.. Crush Cian Ooo How ya texting! Murmured Octive after she ran from her room. No one just Adelyn Annie Murmured in response ah okay.. Girls come eat, spaghetti is done Mmm! okay Geo. In a sec said Annie Is this a boy you’re talking to Geo taunted GEO yelled Annie haha! Geo laughed so it is! IT’S NOT A BOY OKAY! She said while running to her room OH, IM SORRY I-I JUST UH I’M SORRY yelled Geo It’s okay Geo don’t worry Annie gets dramatic at times Said Octive While chewing her Spaghetti Oh okay because I’m still new to this “mom” thing I don’t know what to do.. Oh god why am I talking about this to you Said Geo No no it's okay I can listen to you vent all day I don’t care! As long as you’re happy. Aw shucks said Geo happily Well I’m gonna go to sleep you should to you got a big day tomorrow said Geo while yawning You’re right goodnight

Chapter 3 First

Goodnight! you hear in the background Haha looks like Annie forgives me yeah haha Octive said while laughing again goodnight. nighty night Octive walks over to her room She tucks herself in and the words “Tomorrow’s a big day” and “AnNie YoU’RE SO SmArT YoU CaN WRite aN eSSAy iN oNLY An HoUr” In her head she falls asleep in a panic

The next day She wakes up and thinks OH MY GOD FIRST DAY OF HIGHSCHOOL NO NO NO! HOMEWORK , OH MY GOD OH MY GOD AHHHH NO NO NO Annie walks in the room are you okay? You look like you just got hit with a car.. HELLO Said Annie Oh sorry I-i zoned o- Annie interrupted and Taunted Aw someone scared for her first day of highschool?! SHUT UP Octive screamed. Geez I’m gonna go brush my teeth O-ok replied Octive She changes into some tights and a messy polka dotted shirt And brushed her teeth Octive Come eat I made you some Ceraffles! Announced Mary

QUICK EXPLANATION

Ceraffles is waffles with cereal in it (it's their family recipe)

MMmm Ceraffles Octive thinks before yelling OKAY! COMING! Octive runs to the kitchen and says “YOU BETTER NOT HAVE ATE ALL OF THE CERAFFLES! SERIOUSLY said Octive haha laughed Annie Quickly eat the ceraffles you woke up late OH MY CRAP I DID! Aye! No swearing! Yelled Mary Sorry I-i just can’t be late, Sorry! She runs out MOM ANNIE HURRY UP! Bye Gea! I’ll be back soon! Yelled Mary Come on! Octive said while yelling at Her mom

Mary walks out of the house, And gets into the car.. 15 minutes later BYE MOM! Bye hun! Bye Annie Bye Octive! Octive Stumbles and falls her books fall on the floor CRAP! She thinks and closes her eyes UGH! She murmured Cian comes up to her and helps her pick up her books Hello you must be new to this school Haha Annie looks at Octive “WHAT THE SHIT WHY IS SHE TALKING TO CIAN! WHAT DO I DO!... NOW I'M PANICKING WHAT IF HE LIKES HER!” Annie runs off to her locker panicking back to Octive Haha yeah I’m new is it that obvious! She says while half laughing He smiled No not really you just have that freshman look on your face, Nervous, In a hurry and you dropped your books Said Cian smiling he picks up her books Here don’t fall again Oh by the way I never told you my name I’m Cian He brings out his hand and waits for a handshake Octive Shaked his hand I’m Octive Unique name I like it haha Yeah my parents really wanted a “Unique” kid *DING* That’s the bell gotta go! He smiles and checks her out “oh my god” She thinks while walking to her first class “what the heck is this paper was on my hand” She reads it “Cian: 204-559-221” OH MY GOD She reaches into her bag to grab her phone and types into her notes “2o4-599-221 Cians phone #” And she walks to her first class, Art Hello Class! I see we got new students “NEWBIES” a student yells from the back of the class SHH said Mrs.Chara Today we're going to be sketching each other you all have one other person at your desk so you are going to be doing two sketches of them. One of their face and one full body sketch. OK? Everyone understand? The class all mumbles “Yes” Hey Said Octive so.. I’m drawing your face and body.. Said Octive Awkwardly Yeah I guess Said Caden uh.. Well can I get a picture of you so I can work on this at home please? Sure.. Ok. Octive takes out her phone Caden Poses and smiles *snap!* There I got it aw one more It’s blurry he makes a funny face. HAHA Octive Laughs the other one wasn’t actually blurry was it? Said Caden Half laughing No it wasn’t they both laugh hey here's my number call me if you need a new photo He smiles and hands over a paper saying his number Thanks Said Octive they start sketching 1 hour later *DING* Okay class stop your sketches and it's homework so work on it later today kay said everyone in the class she walks over to the cafeteria and sits down

Chapter 4 Boys

“I have to text Cian I can’t wait” She takes out her phone To Cian: Hello! It’s Octive - “There That wasn’t that bad right.. Right” He texts back From Cian: Oh hey I see you figured out my trick, The handshake number switch haha Haha Yeah that's a cute trick She texted back Annie comes and sits next to Octive hey! Said Annie who are you texting? it's nobody Oh really tell me It’s nobody okay Annie?! Octive yelled Oh okay i'm sorry Annie replied Well I got to go bye.. Annie walks away “She totally likes Cian I saw that it said Cian, And Cian obviously likes her! He gave her his phone number I had to ask his brother for his number!” She thinks while walking away Back to Octive Why was she so curious to know who i’m texting like geez she said to Bethany Well maybe she knows who you’re texting and she is testing you.. Like maybe she likes Cian Said Bethany in response don’t think she likes Cian I think she likes Kyle said Octive Who? Kyle is our next door neighbor Said Octive Oh *DING DING* Is it your boyfriend! Bethany Taunted He isn’t my boyfriend.. Let me check who it is Said Octive From: Cian It's from Cian OoOOoo From: Cian Aw you think I’m cute haha “Shit what do I text” She thought Before saying This is what you texted me she shows Bethany the text What do I do?! I don’t know something cute and sneaky Said Bethany Kay To Cian: Maybe! :3 She texted That's just embarrassing She said while watching her over her shoulder Wow! Beth you’ve had way more relationships than me and you’re the same age as me! She said angrily Hun If you think 1 boyfriend and 1 girlfriend is alot I swear.. All I know is that “maybe! :3” Isn’t scandalous at all; You could have at least put … instead of an exclamation mark What ever I’m an actual fetus got to go She says while picking up her stuff and walking away Bye! Yelled Bethany Hey Bethany Said Henry Hi?.. I’ve been in your glass since grade the middle of grade 7.. He Said Doesn’t ring a belle Are you serious?! Nevermind I got to go.. He walks away thinking “Knew she wouldn’t like me back” He frowns Back To Octive Got a spare block, I’m going to study She thought While walking over to the library

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poetiqueconnard · 5 years

Text

bull shit emotions, feel free to skip.

im so. fucking tired. ignore all the spelling mistakes ahead, im not going to fix it.

i met someone who reminded me of myself when i was in love with you.more so when you let me love you.

i realize wwhat i did wrong. and im sorry.

but you never accept my apologies.

or my excuses.

or my emotions.

i am a empty shell.

i dont know who the fuck i was, who i became, and who i want to be besides dead.

yeah, i currently have a boyfriend but i know ill fail him and he will leave me in the end because of how much baggage i carry.

i carry so much.

and then this kid i met.

i realize thanks to him how i treated and stressed you and god.

emily.

emily im so sorry.

but now that i know, you wont ever come back regardless of how uch understanding i recieve.

and i dont even know if in the end you will come back.

i lost hope.

i lost hope on being happy, you coming back, on even living past this.

i’m tired.

i relapsed last night.

i tried getting shit faced high.

i smoked so much weed.

i dont know why i turned down the alochol i was offered.

i just dont want this.

i want to be ok.

but thats far from my own grasp.

i can feel myself slipping and i dont want to go, but i also dont want to live like this and im suffering.

no one understands.

no one is here for me personally.

i only have myself throughout all of this and i dont know what else to do besides harm my body and put awful substances into it

i wish you arms were around me. but i know they never will be again.

and it hurts.

all of this stress wouldnt of been so bad if you were supporting me.

but you arent,

and im here alone.

per usual.

i just want this to stop.

i want to stop crying.

i also want to stop breathing.

are you even looking

or are you looking at someone else and telling them what you told me because i was never good enough?

im so tired.

im so so tired.

i dont know what more i can take before i stop.

stop living. trying, breathing.

im missing school all this week on greiving leave.

i go to a visitation on Wednesday and i dont know how i can handle it,

saying goodbye to someone is so hard regardless of title and relationship.

i love my family.

and i keep losing them because my awful abusive mother refuses to let me see them untill they die.

im missing out on amazing people.

and its her fault and i hate this ...

along with me getting sexually harassed the other day at school, hell, the last time i went.

i dont know what that man could of done if a friend didnt walk in.

i dont know. but i was terrified.

michael, if you’re reading this, i know you are.

leave.

me.

alone.

stop stalking me . stop hurting me.

let me grieve. do not rub my faults in my face and cuss me out because i am depressed and stressed.

stop hurting me.

please.

let me vent to simon.

let me vent on here.

do not put all of this into a screenshot folder to use against me,

leave. me. alone.

/////////

i am legit terrified of the internet because of you and your friends.

all of them harass me due to my split episodes. and all of you are too close minded to understand my mental illness.

i didnt ask that night to happen, it just did.

and i apologized.

but you all rubbed my faults and disabilites into my face like a damn game and i wasnt laughing.

how many of my panic attacks were caused by you?

so many. so fucking many. but i didnt tell you because i was afraid to hurt you.

im sorry we had skype sex.

im sorry i used you.

but shit happens and i wish it never happened. i wish i didnt.

i wish we never met.

but shit happens.

and i need to leave to get my own shit sorted out before i get close to anyone.

this isnt fair to simon, either.

but when i say i need space to rethink about what you want from me,

do not speak to me.

do not look at my accounts.

do not go deep looking to see if i liked or even commented on someones post.

dont send me memes at random times throughout the day.

dont go looking for shit i dont want you to see.

do not ask simon about me.

i prefer you not even speaking to him.

this is the hardest part of my life. i have less than 8 months to figure out a life i dont even fucking want?

i get yelled at to get a job im too ill to get.

i dont even have a license, which i get yelled at for too and get called slurrs for being “dumb”

i am heart broken and suffering with ptsd ovr emily and cry about her about 3 times a week.

i wont even be able to eat lunch because of how poor we are.

i worry over friends who probably dont give a shit over me.

i have 2 college classes.

i spend my time worrying over you and losing sleep over alice wanting to kill herself.

and my schizophrenia has gotten so bad and its hard without medication

and now my grandfather is dead.

he is gone.

and i never spent time with him and do you EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH REGRET I FUCKING FEEL?

HOW HEARTBROKEN AND ANGRY I AM.

angry at my damn mother for hiding me from a family she hated because MY AUNT STOLE A TOP AND RIPPED IT. 27 YEARS AGO.

AND IM NOT ALLOWED TO SEE HER OR ANYONE I AM RELATED TO.

AND THE SAME DAY HE PASSED AWAY YOU HAD THE MIND TO TELL ME IM TOXIC AND SHIT AND A BITCH AND ALL OF THIS.

really?

if you loved me you wouldnt fucking do this.

but you did.

and im tired of you doing this to me.

im tired of you pressuring me into skype sex even when you knew i am in a relationship.

you rubbing my faults into my face.

im so tired of it.

it hurts.

this isnt love. you do not know love.

so dont fucking tell me you love me.

and leave me alone.

dont look for this. dont look for this blog.

do not contact simon.

dont even think about texting emily again. if i hear you do i will seriously kick your ass into the ground. leave her out of my issues. she has her own. i know damn well she doesnt wanna hear from me.

and finally.

GIVE,

ME.

SPACE.

dont make me repeat myself or you WILL NOT get a second chance.

goodnight tumblr

#brokendiary

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hotcocosharing · 7 years

Text

Glory Days Part 16 (IM RP AU- Shun & Midi)

Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15

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Toshiaki’s POV

“BOYFRIEND?” The term startles me yet I’m smart enough to know that it’s come out in a panic rather than a legitimate truth. Eriko’s father? Here now? The salt and pepper coloured hair older man shoots me an unimpressed, downcast look as I’m not sure what to do or where to go from the tight situation I’ve been thrown into. “Mr Sato?”, I ask offering hand out to greet him with a firm shake. There’s hesitation in his return of the gesture, yet once it’s done, I futher introduce myself hoping that the short yet elaborate lie I continue to play along with is believable. “The name is Toshiaki. It’s nice to finally meet you sir - Eriko told me so much about you.” Just as I can tell that something is about to start to escalate - animosity sky rocketing between the father and daughter duo, I clap my hands, rubbing them together and nod to give myself the confidence boost I need. “Perhaps, the three of us could head upstairs - it would be more comfortable and we could talk; civilly. Like adults.” Midori’s POV “I’m the reason you’re smoking? Oh c'mon - give me a break.” It’s the first thing that I’m about to spit out as my eyes roll at Shun’s behaviour. He’s acting like an unnecessary over protective boyfriend and if I wanted someone like that around me - I’d have not broken it off with Ryoichi. “I.. I went to my mom’s store and then to my place - but Eri was there with some guys and I snapped and lost my cool and walked out hoping to blow off some steam but then I went back and no one was there and now I’m here; because I thought you could help. Why are you going to start keeping tabs on me?” Snatching the cigarette box from Shun’s fingertips, I hold them and the lighter I managed to aquire behind my back, taking a step away with every one Shun takes forward toward me. “..and yes”, I roll my eyes back hard not wanting to explain a question I’m constantly trying to avoid, “that was Ryoichi Hirose. I honestly have no idea what he’s doing here and fine - to get the story straight with this stupid argument we’re having Ryo and I dated - for like 6 months, 2 years ago. I’m sure you have ex-girlfriends and I don’t see myself getting irate over that fact.” Shun attempts to remind me again of apparently how drunk I was last night but with how everyone’s been talking to me today - treating me - acting as if I’m a 4 year old that has no grasp or concept of her life I feel like screaming. “YES, OK! I’M AWARE THAT I WAS OUT OF LINE LAST NIGHT BUT I DON’T NEED SOMEONE WHO ISN’T EVEN MY BOYFRIEND REMINDING ME!”, I manage to take a short breath - just enough to let my voice catch up to how I’m feeling before I ramble off again, “…why, you would have rather of been the one to come collect us from the store instead of Toshiaki? So you could what - make a move and if I was to reject you have a shot at Eri. Please.. Shunichiro stop acting like an over protective stubborn child - I came here for your help, not to argue.” Watching as he crosses his arms over his chest and refuses to speak, I drop the cigarettes I’m holding on a bench close to me and allow myself to leave - I’m not hanging around for an argument or for someone who wants to treat me as if I’m a kid. The walk home isn’t any better. Wolf-whistled at, cat called, snickered towards; I’m just happy to see my dorm’s front door and enter without a care - startled to see the guests who are seated. “Mr Sato? I um.. I didn’t know you were coming to see Eri”, I explain with a small smile; a litttle caught off guard by the fact a parent is present on campus. Having seen my own today - I wasn’t expecting to see anyone elses. “…and Toshiaki; what a surprise. You’re the third guy that’s been here today for Eri - she get sick of the other two that were here making breakfast for her in the morning already?” Grabbing underwear, a dress and the shoes that I’ll need. I throw my phone on charge beside my head and head for the shower. Maybe beneath the water, no one would hear me if I started to scream.

Eriko’s POV It scares me to death- Not the events from the last 48 hours or going on dates with stranger or being yelled by my best friend twice in a day. No, there is only one man I cannot face who is now standing in my room with Toshiaki by my side after Midori drops the bomb of news that clearly forces my father to politely ask my boyfriend to leave and give us some space for family matters. My confidence or social experience could never be enough to prepare me for the man who barks at me five seconds after the door’s shut. I’m told that Midori’s parents’re so disappointed at our inappropriate and childish behavior at such age. There is simply no color left to be drained from my face as I freeze with my head down like a little girl in trouble, listening to my father’s lecturing and sending me an ultimatum in person. Expecting my heart to pound fiercely or tears flushing out like it’s the end of the world, I only find myself numb and exhausted, maybe a calm before the storm as one would say. The vibration of my phone has pulled me out of my thoughts and see a text from Toshiaki: “I’m just outside the door if you want an ear or … a shoulder.” Dragging my feet to the door and resting my forehead on it, “Hey, ummm….thank you but I … really am not in the mood…. I’ll just sleep it off.”

I could hear his breathing through the thin door, placing a hand on the wood in hope to touch the man who’s only centimeters away. I am in no condition to face anyone else, not with my pride or dignity down the drain and Toshiaki Kijima is the last person I want to see right now. Defeated, useless, failure, wasted and slutty- the man has seen enough. When his heavy footsteps fade away, I crash onto my bed plug in my earphones and pull the sheets over my head, not caring for the world till the next sunrise.

Waking up to the warm morning sun that shines brightly through the blinds, I poke my head out and giving my eyes few more seconds to get used to the light. Midori isn’t here and perhaps it’s easier this way. I think we have been in each others lives long enough to know her half unintentional venting and exploding with my father’s presence won’t put our friendship to an end but a pause doesn’t sound too bad for now.

“Kagari?“ ”I’m hurt if you’re on first name basis with Riki.“ As curious as I’m, the clock is ticking. “Sorry,” I begin, trying to find better words to phrase what I’m about to say. “I… something else came up and I need to do last minute shopping which honestly isn’t going to a fun date for you.” What I’ve said brings a sly grin to his face, “Try me.” Eight hours later, we are unpacking boxes and suitcases of my belongings in an apartment studio in the Tokyo University Komaba campus. Thanks to the informative and efficient Shinichi, I for once have reached my father's order way before the deadline. Promising him I’ll thank and make it up to him another time, we’re satisfied with pizza and beer for the night. “You surprise me.” The man in glasses pulls out a cigarette from a packet and light it, slowly inhaling. “I thought you’d book to a hotel room or high end service apartment.” Not at all offended, I slightly smirk. “Even a trust fund kid got rules to obey. I do monthly reconciliation report to my father’s secretary and there’s limit on how much I’d spent until certain goals are met.“ Shinichi raises his brows, the flat fills with the aroma of his mint tobacco, pizza and beer yet making me feel like home or at least how I imagine home feels like. "I do freelance work too just no one ever bother asking.” I shrug then comes Shinichi next question that I haven’t heard since Truth Or Dare in junior high- What my type is. He isn’t exactly thrilled to hear Rikiya fitting my first favorite but a cheeky smirk spreading across his handsome face as he happily acknowledges himself as my second favorite, he slips his glasses up the bridge of his nose beofre his slender fingers wiping at the corners of my lips. One question leads to another, what’s it like to be a fashion stylist? My hobbies? My favorite food, songs, movies. Something changes in me, an undetermined but fitting feeling which I couldn’t quite put my finger on. After all the moving around and endless beer in his system, Shinichi falls asleep on the floor while I lay quietly next to him and strokes the redden cheek of the Mathematics major. My mind drifting miles away then the uneasiness of living alone finally creep under my skin, wondering what Midi is doing and whether she has read the hurried note I’ve left along with business card of the store manager I’ve known since a kid in such a rush without explaining why I’ve moved out. “You are more than welcome to work at our stores than serving women who walk around half naked all day. Love, E.”

Officially living on the other side of town, I’ve taken the advice every mature adult and create a visible distance with Midori.

#Midori Katayani #Eriko Sato #toshiaki kijima #shinichi kagari #shinichi kagari rp #eriko x toshi #Eriko x shinichi #voltage oc x canon #voltage oc x toshi #im toshiaki #voltageocrp #multi oc rp #multi oc role play #glory days

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