#not too much but. definitely alluded to the fact ive thought about it.. and have thought bout arakawa thinkin about it.. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

eclysia · 1 year

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Melia and Ren for that character thing?

YES. i got a shiny wooper seven encounters in which is great but fucking.. i want title + humongo boosts. so im going for another one. my sandwich ran out for the 1/500 odds, ugh

first up is melia

First impression

its been a looong time since ive FIRST played rejuv so inaccuracies either stem from old versions or bad memory.

i was able to tell that melia was a character that would quickly be killed off, but i didnt correctly guess the reason why. i thought it was a cheap shot to gather sympathy. i dont remember whether i was able to predict her coming back, though. hmm

Impression now

well now i really will be upset if something happens to her! genesis syndrome is no joke, considering its labeled with body failure in multiple areas. i do wonder if its her shiny powers that caused this, her stronger abilities, or something else (my theory of her being half of a person comes back to mind...)

Favorite moment

i want her to chew out the space hags more. holy shit, please. also, the rehauled doomed future was so cool for her character... that brief segment in zeight where she met little baby venam was just.. ugh. sweet. and the talk with emma and the first (?) appearance of variya was very cool. a huge favorite

Idea for a story

unsure of what to do with this beyond stating what i would enjoy seeing in canon. and thats! i really want more stormchaser stuff especially with Her. im not sure if she has had the chance to properly confront anyone after learning about project: rapture.

Unpopular opinion

beating a dead horse but i am wholly convinced that anyone who says she is a mary sue did not play the game, holy shit. reading comprehension for a lot of people who play this game is zero.

i suppose on another note.. i really liked the fairy tale field melia fight. yes, it was hard, but i definitely think that was the point. i also enjoy how it may allude to the pangoro and zorua story from the beginning, with it being a fairy tale.

Favorite relationship

she and venam, of course. i hope venam manages to recover and shake off the innate need to try and be overtly mature, because its definitely hurting their relationship a little bit. that being said, that little conversation with the trio in the third layer on the matter was so sweet.

Favorite headcanon

uh im not too familiar with many headcanons, but do you want to know a fact and a theory? in very old versions of rejuv, melia managed to throw a xen grunt who tried to grab her.. very far! i want to believe this is a manifestation of her archetype powers showing up very early. more specifically, i think she was using seismic toss!

these two moves are level 0 for arceus. i might be reading too much into it, but with what i know now, i thought it was foreshadowing.

next up is ren! jesus i type a lot

First impression

i honestly dont remember. i think i thought he was dumb because he had a froakie. i really like greninja now so that proves how long ago i first played lol

Impression now

hes still dumb but i say this in an affectionate way! also i love robots! im really gonna be sad if he ditches that body in the future lol. understandable but sobs

Favorite moment

he has a lot of good lines. but my favorite will always be the cupcake conversation

NASTASIA: Sigh… It would be easier to just redirect your captures to [PN]'s storage line, rather than linking it. But what do I get out of this? REN: How about my undying appreciation and gratitude? REN: Alright fine, you can have my salted caramel cupcake with extra sprinkles. REN: It's on the top row of the fridge, behind the eggs. NASTASIA: This is acceptable. I'll get right on it. REN: Thanks 'Stasiaaaaa.

Idea for a story

begging on my hands and knees for more of him and nastasia . even if its just a littol bit. they are so nice together...

Unpopular opinion

he is a lot more dorky than he is edgy (especially during/after v11), and i feel like a lot of the fanbase forgets that. i love the edgy art, but i want to see more dorky art too.

Favorite relationship

you already know it, its him and nastasia. most fucked up bring your kid to work day dynamic ever. but he and reina are also extremely funny together. i have comic ideas for them but zzz

Favorite headcanon

i dunno many headcanons, honestly.. uh.. how about that he dons the cape just because it looks cool? as far as i know he doesnt have the need to hide his wings, afaik they just shift into his body/dematerialize/whatever..

#thanks for the ask. but sorry. Long #Very long

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fideidefenswhore · 2 years

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Hello! I hope you’re having a nice day and I’m not bothering you. Regarding this post, I haven’t read Sarah Gristwood’s book so I was really surprised to see that it’s possible Henry didn’t have an affair with Mary Boleyn? I was wondering what the evidence is for this? Sorry if this is a stupid question, I’m still pretty new to Tudor history and I’m only just recently learning that most of the things I’ve read in historical fiction novels aren’t strictly factual.

I mean, it's pretty much what she says? The Latin has been interpreted in those two ways, but more commonly as alluding to Henry's sexual past with Mary Boleyn. It's not the first time Latin in a dispensation has been interpreted variously, either. The wording of the dispensation for Henry VIII to wed Catherine of Aragon is so questionable that hers remains the Bermuda Triangle of Virginities to this day:

“The word translated as ‘perhaps’ is forsan. Its root is fors (‘chance’ or ‘luck’) and its usual meaning is indeed ‘perhaps’ or ‘perchance.’ In this usage, forsan expresses a strong doubt about the marriage having been consummated. But forsan is sometimes used to state a fact, just as in English we say ‘something chanced or fortuned,’ when we mean ‘something happened.’ In which case the meaning becomes the opposite: ‘This marriage happens to have been consummated.'

Make sense? No? Well, it didn’t clear things up in the 16th century either, so you’re in good company."

So, it's not a stupid question, but it's very hard to prove something didn't happen, she is just stating (as most do not) that we don't actually have definitive proof that Mary Boleyn was ever Henry's mistress. What we do have is a collection of circumstantial evidence, most of which, taken altogether (and this is my opinion, fwiw) makes that seem rather likely.

I think what's easier for your question is just to lay out all the evidence, timeline-wise:

A series of land grants given to her husband, William Carey. To me, this is one of the weakest of Eric Ives' arguments as laid out in his AB biography. Very circumstantial, Henry made land grants to a lot of noblemen.... it is true he granted many to Bessie Blount and her husband after her marriage (more often in her favor, and sometimes to his exclusion, which was rare, the same with her daughter). But, if we're following that MO for Henry, then these land grants, if anything, seem more likely to be granted, if they're in connection with Mary Boleyn, after their affair, not during, much like again, with Blount.

The dispensation request in 1527, this is generally treated as the "smoking gun": "Of this there is no direct proof, but the statement rests upon contemporary belief and chiefly upon the extraordinary terms of the dispensation granted to Henry to marry Anne Boleyn, which included the suspension of all canons relating to impediments created by "affinity rising ex illicito coitu in any degree even in the first." Here's, since it was asked, arguments against this specifically referring to Mary Boleyn-- some of them are decent (I do think the question of why would Catherine never bring this up is a salient one, the argument could be made that she didn't want to 'shame' her husband-- and she did always see him as her husband-- but I think by the point the hero-worship dimmed enough that she was actively petitioning for his excommunication, she surely would have brought this up, if she knew of it), some are weak. I brought up that 1504 dispensation because if C.O.A partisans want to claim the "perhaps consummated and perhaps not" does not mean anything and that it was just her parents 'covering all their bases in the wording to any objections that could possibly be raised in the future’, as one typically did with dispensations, then that has to apply here, too. Food for thought.

I mentioned earlier that since the focus is always on the 'first degree of affinity', the "second or third degree of consanguinity" is interesting, too. I believe it refers to a dispensation covering that Henry had a previous sexual relationship with one of Anne's first cousins. Looking at all the rumored mistresses altogether, I believe the most likely candidate is Elizabeth Carew.

This one is not spoken of much, I'm not going to dig up the specific quotes right now, but I do recall several comments by Chapuys in his dispatches that referred to the marriage of Henry and Anne being 'more incestuous and unlawful' than the former. He never specifically refers to Mary Boleyn as the reason for this belief, but I assume that was what he was getting at. If it was left at just 'unlawful' I would assume he was referring to bigamy.

To bring up Chapuys, a general argument is that this is what was brought up by the Aragonese/ Seymour faction. If they were clever, I don't think it was: "She is also advised to tell the King boldly how his marriage is detested by the people, and none consider it lawful; and on the occasion when she shall bring forward the subject, there ought to be present none but titled persons, who will say the same if the King put them upon their oath of fealty." So, I think if they understood Henry, they wouldn't claim the marriage was unlawful either because it took place while Catherine was alive (I don't think Jane quite understood how vehemently he felt about the invalidity of that marriage when she asked for Mary's reinstatement, but that came later), and they wouldn't claim it was unlawful or unpopular because it was known that Mary Boleyn was his mistress. Both of those things would have been critical of him, and he didn't really take well to that. In all likelihood, what they probably brought up was the rumors of precontract with Henry Percy...tellingly, that is the Achilles' heel Cromwell goes for during the Boleyn downfall.

Chapuys, May 1536: “ Yesterday the archbishop of Canterbury declared by sentence that the Concubine's daughter was the bastard of Mr. Norris, and not the King's daughter. This already removes an obstacle in the way of the Princess, who, I hope, whatever difficulty the King has made hitherto, will be declared true heiress of the kingdom, not as born of lawful marriage, but as legitimate propter bonam fidem parentum. Others tell me that the said Archbishop had pronounced the marriage of the King and Concubine invalid on account of the King having had connection with her sister, and that, as both parties knew of this, the good faith of the parents cannot make the said bastard legitimate." (I’ll repeat my point about no official document that exists about either, and Chapuys, as he was wont to do, sheepishly tucking his tail between his legs to admit his 1st statement was false in the next dispatch)

Reginald Pole [this is the blueprint for the narrative framework we generally get regarding Anne & Mary Boleyn, and often just the former herself], 1536: “She, indeed, has said she will make herself available to you on one condition alone. You must reject your wife whose place she desires to hold. This modest woman does not want to be your concubine. She wants to be your wife. I believe that she learned from the example of her sister [...] how quickly you can have your fill of concubines.”

Where did he get that rumor, one might ask, and why bring it up so late? I believe the point of connection was George Throckmorton, who he was in correspondence with. This was GT, when under suspiction of treason in October 1537: “About six or seven years ago conversed with Sir Thos. Dyngley in the garden at St. John's about the Parliament matters. Dyngley wondered that the Act of Appeals should pass so lightly, and Throgmorton said it was no wonder as few would displease my lord Privy Seal. Told Sir Thomas he had been sent for by the King after speaking about that Act, and that he saw his Grace's conscience was troubled about having married his brother's wife. "And I said to him that I told your Grace I feared if ye did marry Queen Anne your conscience would be more troubled at length, for it is thought ye have meddled both with the mother and the sister. And his Grace said 'Never with the mother.' And my lord Privy Seal standing by said 'Nor never with the sister either, and therefore put that out of your mind.'" This was in substance all their communication. Intended no harm to the King, but only out of vainglory to show he was one that durst speak for the common wealth; otherwise he refuses the King's pardon and will abide the most shameful death.”

Anyway, I believe Throckmorton probably relayed this incident to Pole via letter before Pole wrote (7), or perhaps Peto did during his exile. The immediate denial of the former has been viewed as tacit admission of the latter ever since.

(Thomas Dingley, btw, was “included in a bill of attainder passed under Henry VIII of England; another person on the same bill was Margaret Pole, Countess of Salisbury [...] accused, together with Robert Granceter, merchant, of "going to several foreign princes and persuading them to make war with the King".” One rather wonders, given the timeline, if Throckmorton sold him out, given Throckmorton was eventually cleared of suspicion)

Throckmorton also confirms where he got the story, which was Friar Peto: “Explains his conduct since the beginning of the Parliament of 21 Hen. VIII. Just before that Parliament friar Peto, who was in a tower in Lambeth over the gate, sent for him and showed him two sermons that he and another friar had made before the King at Greenwich, and reported a long conversation he had had with the King in the garden after the sermon. He said he had told the King that he could have no other wife while the Princess Dowager lived unless he could prove carnal knowledge between prince Arthur and her; which he said was impossible, as she, who knew best, had received the Sacrament to the contrary, and she was so virtuous that her word deserved more credit than all the other proofs; that prince Arthur's saying that he had been in the midst of Spain was probably but a light word; and that the King could never marry Queen Anne as it was said he had meddled with the mother and the daughter.”

As far as I’m aware, that is all the evidence that covers “contemporary belief”. My personal belief is that this much smoke ---> probably fire (it is interesting to note that in all these claims/accounts, there is never a mention that the Carey children are believed to have Henry’s paternity), but I do think his relationship with Mary Boleyn was probably brief, probably before she was married.

Considering all the heinous shit Henry ending up doing, I do find it funny that he was so embarassed about it, though:

Interrogatories to be ministered to Sir George Throgmerton.

First where he says "that it is thought, &c.," let him be examined whom he ever heard say any such thing of the King. (2.) Where, when, and why he spoke "those words" to Sir Wm. Essex, and what conversation ensued. (3.) Ditto with Sir Wm. Barentyne. (4.) Whether he communicated the matter to any other. (5–6.) Whether he thought the words true and why. (7–8.) Whether he did not think the words very slanderous to any man's good name. (9.) Whether he knew not that Sir Thomas Dingley was a man sometime travelling in far countries, whereby he might the rather spread abroad the said infamy. (10–15.) Whether he thinks such reports conducive to the peace of the common weal or fitting for a true subject to spread.

#anne boleyn being referred to as queen anne still.................mmm watcha sayyy #B O T H E R E D. he was bothered #(i assume interrogatories were cromwell composed but. still )#i mean there's the argument to be made they weren't letting up because of throckmorton's involvement in pilgrimage of grace and wanted to #get him on something else but...still #anon #hope this clears it up a little! or maybe i just made it murkier htgfsdl

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bluebirdwrites · 3 years

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> friendship is fragile wc; 1.4 k pairing; matsukawa x gn!reader summary; just friends don’t look friends the way you look at him, and just friends don’t smile at you the way he smiles at you.

Whenever you hear someone say Monday, your thoughts always allude to something dreary. Whether it be the double period of mathematics, lack of coffee in the vending machine that only seems to occur on Mondays, or weekly morning assemblies that always went on for far too long.

This Monday in particular, felt extra long. This Monday, aside from all its usual regularities, also brought with it the rain. Cold, icy, fat rain droplets that made water pool along walkways and specks of muddied rainwater to coat your legs.

The only upside was that Mattsun had no practice today; and it was tradition to walk home together on Mondays after school.

But, you suppose, today isn’t exactly ideal conditions for walking. This was only further emphasised by the fact not only had you left your umbrella in your last period class, a double period of mathematics, which you had been very eager to leave, thank you very much; but, the classroom was now locked.

Maybe Mondays hate me as much as I hate them.

Sprinting home was the only option either of you could think of at the time; maybe the two of you should have thought some more.

Upon reaching your house you were able to think of three universal truths at the exact same time. First, come hell or high water, Mondays sucked. Second, your school uniform was uncomfortable and almost itchy when wet. Third, Mattsun loved the rain and you thought he was crazy to be smiling to himself like he was because of it.

You were more than happy to collapse into a wet heap once the front door to your house was wrenched open, but you knew Mattsun take that opportunity to tease you, something he did often enough already.

Faintly, as you peel back hair stuck to your skin, you’re aware of the front door closing and the wet sounds of Mattsun shuffling around somewhere near you.

For a moment there is quiet. You take this moment to observe him, observe that he doesn’t seem to be shivering at all and that his cheeks are flushed and water droplets make his hair look shaggy.

The quiet is interrupted by telltale laughter and the sound of his hair flopping about his head as he leans forwards, water droplets hitting you in the face and neck, your hands flopping forwards in attempts to stop him as he dances away from your reach.

Stupid volleyball player and his stupid laugh.

He’s smiling from ear to ear, no longer smirking and looking rather proud of himself. He always smiles at you after something like this, unadulteratedly happy with the dimple in his left cheek on proud display.

You roll your eyes and turn to walk further into the house, throwing an offering of grabbing some towels from your bathroom over your shoulder and listening as he follows, but like always you linger on his smile. You like his smile.

His hair frizzes with friction from the towelling you give it, occasionally sharing his softened grin. It’s only after you’re both dryer than previous, no longer drenched in the torrents of water that had fallen from the sky, that you settle into your usual routine with him.

The music playing from his phone which you’d commandeered, and the sounds of him rustling through your pantry for food, brings a comfortable silence and familiarity which you allow yourself to bask in.

I swear he never stops thinking about food.

You think you like this sense of familiarity you’ve cultivated with him. You like that, as your eyes drag from his left shoulder to his right, you know he feels it too. You know that he is a great friend- important person, in your life.

You change the song to something more mellow, that you tap your fingers to against your thigh, sat on your kitchen counter and waiting for him to find what he’d been searching for.

When he turns he’s got- of course he’s got those. The last packet of them too. damn him. He is impervious to your thoughts as his steps echo through the room in contrast to the melody of the song, blasting from the speakers of his phone.

He’s close to your side. You know this, because Mattsun is always close to your side. You know this because he is warm, despite how cool it is outside. You’re made incredibly aware of his closeness when an elbow jabs into the flesh of your ribs. He looks smug.

Exactly like he wanted, he’s got you to look at him, why wouldn’t he be smug? Then he’s smiling. Smiling again. Smiling at you. Smiling at how unaware you are, that his eyes are soft and his smile is softer still.

You notice his arm moving at his side a moment or two before his hand encroaches your vision, before a muted sharpness accompanies the flick of his fingers against your forehead, “Dummy. I can’t believe you forgot the umbrellas.”

At your unamused huff, the tips of his fingers linger as they smooth over the skin he’d flicked, before they gently trail to your temple, to your cheekbone; before his hand falls back limp to the counter at his side.

Blinking momentarily at the movement of his hand, your eyes linger over his face as your ears chase the softness of his voice whilst your cheeks fight against the fluster you’re in, “And whose idea was it, to give me their umbrella as well?”

His head angles towards yours, chin tucked towards his chest and expression vaguely resembling a lazy cat as his mouth quirks back into a smirk, “Makki, obviously.”

You allow him this and snort to yourself, leaning a short distance to the side to lean into him. You aren’t sure when his arm winds around your shoulder to rest against your side, and you aren’t sure when you start feeding him pieces of food from the packet he’d grabbed from the cupboard. But things are peaceful again. The quiet is welcome. It is easy- just like existing with Matsukawa is as easy as breathing.

You are aware when his arm tightens around you however, because his head is angled towards you and the music playing from his phone fills the silence.

You aren’t aware of his expression, though. You don’t know that his face is relaxed, that his mouth is parted and dry. You have no clue that he is hyper aware of you, and you definitely don’t know about the butterflies in his stomach.

But, he hopes you feel just as lovesick about him as he does about you.

“Issei, thank you- for making sure I ate earlier. You always make sure I’m taking care of myself.”

Again, you don’t see his smile. You don’t see how much he’s letting himself slip in this moment, how close he is to turning the tables on the friendship that is already so fragile. But, he doesn’t see the way you look at him either, eyes staring like he’d ripped the stars from the sky and had lay them in your hands.

The silence lasts what is only moments. It lasts until his hands frame your face and press lightly into the fat of your cheeks, tilting your head to the right as his hands give a light squeeze to your face, “I like making sure you’re okay. Seeing your happy face.”

Is he saying what I think he’s saying?

You look down as his hands, again, drop to the counter at your side and butterflies swarm and stampede their wings in your chest cavity. You feel unnaturally warm. Your palms feel clammy, you’re positive your knees would be weak if you were standing, and your arms feel like lead.

This is it. He thinks he knows how to approach the fragility of this friendship. How to navigate the shards of it, because he’s about to metaphorically shatter it, catch the shards and hopefully build something new with you.

You wonder suddenly, so suddenly that you stop breathing for a few beats, if he’s always smiled at you like that. If the way you looked at him was obvious to him like it seemed to you.

I like your happy face too.

He opens his mouth to speak, but instead takes note of the food packaging still in your hands. He clears his throat, “Gotta tell you something, after you finish feeding me these.”

The way you look at him, tells him every he needs to know. And the way he smiles back at you, assures you in that moment that you will like this next conversation. Very much.

NOTES.. !!

not sure abt this one & the charactisation but whatevs, this is the longest yet + wrote becos ive had matsukawa brainrot, this is self indulgent n pretty fluffy to celebrate completing a v important exam today :p ++ if you liked makes a lil request or just send a chat <3

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imastrangebean · 4 years

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taz things ive been meaning to write down

ok so The Adventure Zone is a blessing to this world as are the McElroys in general

idk where i was going with that theyre just great

ANYWAYS

something that always lowkey bothered me about balance was the slight inconsistencies that arose from the fact that the story wasnt completely fleshed out until like halfway through crystal kingdom

dont get me wrong i love every little detail about taz but my brain always has to read too much into things and so ive overanalyzed a lot of the things from the beginning and i figured id share it

spoilers btw

1. Merle has gaps in his memory where he’ll accidentally remember things the Voidfish took away from him at random moments in time.

This is something I saw on another post, and now I cant unsee it

There are several moments where Clint has made some sort of goof that alludes to something that ends up happening later on. Of course, mechanically, this couldn’t have actually been planned, but I doubt any of these were. It’s just a nice little coincidence to tie up the story.

For example, when Merle asks to talk while they’re walking in (I believe it was) Wave Echo Cave, he phrases it in a way to make it sound like they’ve known each other for a while when they’d supposedly just met. (”I just feel like we’ve grown apart.”) Another time, in Crystal Kingdom, when Noelle was explaining what Liches were, Clint joked and said something along the lines of “Well I have some close friends that are liches.” (Lup and Barry) He is also the one to step in when Taako almost succumbs to the Gaia Sash, and he asserts his dominance in an unconventional but successful manner.

2. The reason THB can handle the relics is because they helped create them.

This one is pretty straightforward, but I don’t know if they actually said it in the podcast.

3. Lucretia talked about the Umbra-Staff.

Going back and relistening to the podcast caused me to realize a couple of things. This is where I’m talking about the inconsistencies; the first two were just random headcanons I thought I’d jot down.

When Taako brings the Umbra-Staff to the Bureau of Balance headquarters, Lucretia tells him to bring it to Leon who finds the Umbra-Staff in his book. There was only ever one Umbra-Staff made, as was revealed in The Stolen Century, since Lup only needed one. The Umbra-Staff was also an original creation, so there would be no reason for there to be copies of it unless one of the seven birds tried to replicate it, and Lup is probably the only one who would be able to match it exactly. As a result, it can be assumed that Leon’s book was somehow factually incorrect. It says in his book that the Umbra-Staff is one of many, not one of a kind; not to mention the fact that it was in his book at all. The seven birds kept a low profile on Faerun before Lucretia and Fisher turned everything upside down, so there’s no logical reason as to why anyone but the seven of them would know about the Umbra-Staff. That would mean that one of them wrote Leon’s book, and, considering where it ended up and its off-putting misinformation, it was almost definitely Lucretia. She likely put the Umbra-Staff in his book as a way to honor Lup or in hopes that she would return, identifiable by her unconventional wand, but she probably pretended there were multiple in an attempt to keep suspicions from arising as to where this one-of-a-kind object no one has heard about came from.

4. Lucretia was teaching Davenport how to talk.

As we all know, Davenport lost the ability to say anything but his name after Fisher erased his memories. This means that he didn’t learn how to talk until sometime after joining the Institute of Planar Research and Exploration. He did, however, learn how to speak before the century-long mission; this is shown when he talks in front of the crowd at the assembly-type event that was arranged to celebrate the beginning of the mission. Even so, Lucretia erased the IPRE and, subsequentially, Davenport’s ability to communicate.

She probably didn’t realize that would happen, as he probably learned to speak before meeting her, and she probably felt guilty. That would explain why she kept him so close to her side, so she could protect and nurture him. He’d acted as somewhat a fatherly figure in the group, (though he was still their friend, and he did some reckless stuff; don’t get me wrong) and Lucretia would’ve felt the need to repay him. She would’ve had to start teaching him to speak sometime between the original erasure of everyone’s memories and the arrival of THB. The reason I say this is because, while Davenport is known for only ever saying his name, he starts out saying more than just that. It doesn’t last long, but he does communicate in concise sentences for his first few interactions with THB. The only way that would be possible would be if he were being coached by someone, and that someone would’ve had to be Lucretia. Lucretia likely stopped once she saw Taako, Magnus, and Merle, as she probably decided to then focus her efforts solely on channeling the relics and the light of creation into the shielding spell.

Another interesting thing I’ve seen about that is something that I personally accept as a headcanon:

Magnus, upon gaining the knowledge that Davenport can only say his name, decides to prank Davenport by scaring him and saying “Magnus!” to mimic Davenport in a sense. However, when he does, Davenport reflexively jumps and responds with “Dammit, Magnus, stop doing that!” They then both get confused, and Davenport immediately goes back to being unable to talk.

anyways thats a lot of typing im probably gonna lay down now

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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years

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hunty movie 1

sooo ruth and i watched the first hxh movie holla

me as soon as we’re done w/the yorknew arc: OH FUCKY ITS ANIME MOVIE TIME

i love anime movies. theyre so often Entertaining As Hell, and also Not Very Good. its a very fun intersection

overall this movie slots pretty easily into that category. it was a good time but nothing revolutionary. which is ok! and that makes sense bc its not canon apparently

this movie was basically the ‘killua and kurapika have Trauma(tm)’ movie lmao

we open w/killua having a trauma dream abt illumi, rehashing the stuff we saw in the hunter exam arc....we see this a few more times in the movie, and it really drives home how killua is still rlly scared of illumi and kinda just goes into a dissociative trauma state whenever illumi is around (even fake doll illumi or dream illumi, in this movie). poor kid :( :(

regrettably tho ruth and i agree that illumis outfit in this movie was pretty sexy

ok that whole beginning part where kurapikas eyes get stolen happens SO fast hvbfhdjshfsk its like ok guess thats the status quo for this movie!

jesus poor kurapika. they cant catch a fuckgin break huh

also that kid was totally the kid that was alluded to by kurapika at the end of the yorknew arc...so i guess that was included in the anime as a setup for this movie?

also apparently that stuff was based off of a short story thing the author did a while ago which is p cool

leorios terrible drawing skills is hvhbjsdfbsdfngsjkdf

also leorio is so tender w/kurapika hhhhhhh im gonna die. im gonna gay die

and gon and killua are just. tiny soulmate boyfriends ok

ah yes i see the obligatory movie original character who befriends the protag

it kinda cracks me up how hostile killua is to retz like vhbhskhdfbaj i get that its bc of Trauma and his fear of betrayal/betraying but it also reads as killua being a Jealous Gay which is kinda hilarious

ruth and i when hisoka shows up: [prolonged annoyed groaning and dismayed yelling]

hisoka literally just shows up to sow chaos and throw around information to stir shit up huh

of COURSE the villain is the former 4th spider thats like. easy choice lmao

it might just be the fansubs but i feel like there were strong implications that hisoka and 4th spider guy fucked bhjdfashfdjnakn

the most unbelievable thing abt this whole thing is that hisoka didnt kill that doll guy lmao

ohhh shit its uvo

OHHH SHIT NOBUNGA AND MACHI....its so bad but i really like the troupe members and when they show up im like !!!!!!!

machi is so cooooool

aughhhh its like....i feel bad for nobunga for having to face down uvo like this....and THEN when pakunoda shows up too :( and nobunga tells her doll ‘rest in peace now’ or something when he cuts her down....oof. but also like theyre evil murderers so im!?! conflicted?!?!

also the shadow beast guys that uvo killed showing up and then proceeding to do LITERALLY NOTHING was kinda hilarious

and damn so technically the troupe is on the same side as the main crew, what with all of them wanting to wreck omokages shit

also omokage looks like sephiroth lmaoooo

ill be honest i barely know what sephiroth looks like but ruth said this and i felt in my bones that its true

ok i gotta talk abt the kurapika backstory stuff bc OUUGHGHGHGHGH my fucking UWUS BITCH!!!!

seeing a bunch of kurta was sad....and seeing baby-er kurapika OUGH and also pairo is sooo cute and him and kurapikas friendship is so pure

kurapika is so different :( theyre like, so much more innocent and excitable....thats so damn sad bro wtf

pairo pulling some slick moves swapping that little potion thing - all while using his blindness as a cover - was so good...no wonder he and kurapika get along so well

also gotta say its even more brutal that one of the main reasons kurapika didnt get Big Murdered w/the rest of the kurta is bc pairo pulled this stunt - if he hadnt, kurapika wouldve failed the test and never would have left

also kurapika saying theyre gonna find someone who can help w/pairos eyes ;_; the similarities w/leorios backstory/motivation makes me die

and seriously im still caught up at how innocent and pure kp is oooof ough

tho still defs the kurapika we know....theyve seemingly always had a temper, what with the reaction to the dudes in the market

like, kurapika did NOT hold back...even after finding out that they were just part of the test! tho i do get it bc they insulted pairo...kurapika’s love for their friends/stalwart need to defend their friends is clearly a big thing

also the market people’s reaction to seeing kp’s red eyes is rlly interesting to me...are the kurta like, known to anybody? or are they more of a vaguely talked-about group that like, ‘probably exists’? or is it that people know abt them but not the red eyes thing? it seems like these people, if any, would know, bc this market is seemingly a day’s travel from where the kurta live....i want more kurta lore bro!!

i big love pairo helping kurapika cheat like that....such an interesting twist, and makes it obvious that theirs is a friendship of equals

anyways i loved that flashback stuff and it just drives home how absolutely fucked up and horribly sad kurapikas whole existence is, especially in this movie w/pairo’s doll being used against them

n e ways back to the non flashback stuff

i love that gon’s super nose returned for this movie omg

im just auhghghghgh gon and killua know each other so well uwu....

aaaand illumi (well, doll illumi) is back to fuck shit up for poor killua

ugh it still gets me how clearly terrified of illumi killua is...we dont really see him act like this any other time :( and the fact that doll-illumi was able to scare killua enough to get him to run away and leave gon behind (albeit briefly) was oof

gon jumping in front of killua and getting his eyes stolen instead....baby boyyyy oughhh

also can i just say thank fuck they didnt replace illumis eyes w/gons bc THAT wouldve been some serious nightmare fuel lmao

cant believe killua then ran away again and walked emo-ly on the train tracks

and THEN he saw a train coming and was like oh well :( guess ill die :/ JESUS KID

but gon w/his Big Sniff Powers comes to the rescue!!

it was so cute how gon told killua that killua didnt run and abandon him - they were working together to fight :’) gon understands killua so well

i love how the squad then squads up to fight omokage...with half of them being blind lmao

and in the half that isnt blind is leorio, who STILL doesnt know nen, and literally brings a knife to a nen fight

i totally saw the whole ‘retz is a doll and her older brother is omokage, and retz actually died a while ago’ thing coming lol but still, not bad

all omokage does is talk abt the beauty of his dolls or w/e like ENOUGH bro

kurapika fighting pairo and killua fighting illumi (AGAIN) was all so fucked up they shouldve switched opponents for less trauma oof

and poor leorio is literally no help vhhvdijfhjbashkj he just gets throw around this whole time

kurapikas fight against pairo was sad bc it was such a fucked up situation...kp did gr8 tho, i liked them saying that this isnt the real pairo, cause pairo would never say/do these things. still and extremely sucky situation to be in!

meanwhile its the gon and killua vs doll-illumi rematch...and this illumi is like, a version of illumi drawn from killuas mind/heart (or something idk, it was kinda glossed over which i understand), which means that hes extra scary and focused on telling killua how much hes just a mindless killing machine who cant have friends

but luckily we have gon here to help snap killua out of his trauma haze, which certaintly wasnt the case at the hunter exam - so it was kinda nice to see how things went w/gon around :’) they work so well together oughhhhh....and they love each other so much broo gay preteen love real

hisoka just fuckgin materializing in the house place to help sow more chaos....unbelievable

me: i bet hisoka wont want to fight doll chrollo bc its not The Same as real chrollo

ruth: no i think he will bc hes a whore

hisoka: [fights doll chrollo]

me: oh shit u right

kurapika: ok omogake its time for you to FUCKING DIE-

and then killua stops them and says that he’ll do it, be he doesnt want kurapika to kill anymore :( :( :( bro im sooo fucking sad. killua rlly b out here thinking that hes already too far gone to matter when it comes to murder, but he doesnt want his friends to end up like that, so he might as well take on that burden, because whats one more person’s death on his hands? (EVEN THO HE SAID HE DIDNT WANT TO KILL ANY MORE...but theres exceptions when it comes to saving your friend’s souls and whatnot) :( :( AUGHHH

but luckily retz comes THRU with some good ole fratricide

killua: [takes notes]

the fact that the phantom troupe just fuckgin shows up and is like oh hey its you guys. this casual enemy stuff kills me lmao i love it

then they just fuckgin LEAVE and theyre like welllll we cant rlly fight u bc of chrollo’s state so by i guess. its NOT On Sight but someday it will be! YOU TOO HISOKA DONT THINK WE FUCKIGN FORGOT ABOUT YOU.

dramatic house burning! and rip retz, saw that one comin tho

when they all went thru and said their life goals and then killua was like shit i dont have a cool definitive anime goal LMAOOOO

but THEN gon said his goals should be to stay by gon’s side UHMMM???? baby gays AUGHHHHH and killua is just like lovestruck AUGHHHH

Gays Win

then they all peace out to resume the next arc lmaoooo

and then we see flashes of other characters, like the blonde girl (who ruth and i totally thought retz was, seeing thumbnails from this movie....we were like w8 hasnt that girl not been introduced yet??? lmao)

we also see some dude w/long hair and a hat who ive never seen before but ruth went OHHH ITS SCYTHE GUY!!! so i guess hes gonna b important?? lol

and then we saw chrollo....still in the same place the squad left him vbhajfdjkahsbfkdjabhsukfdj CAN HE NOT GET DOWN FROM THERE W/OUT NEN OR AN AIRSHIP??? THATS SO FUCKING FUNNYYYYYY ARE YOU KIDDING ME

general thots:

so this was very much an Anime Movie, in that they cant like, advance to plot or develop the characters much, bc its a movie. and this one is non canon

it was enjoyable but i do feel like it was much more typical shounen then hxh usually is...like, i feel like this was made by the same people who make like, the naruto movies or w/e, and w/the same sort of approach/attitude

this isnt necessarily bad - i LIKE shounen for a reason - but it was a bit noticeable bc it wasnt quite as smart as hxh is usually, and it rehashed a lot of stuff weve already seen in this show itself

but still i think it did a good job w/what it had, and it had some good angst, and everyone was very gay which is good

the art style was SLIGHTLY wack but it wasnt as bad as i thought itd be

overall a fun time like most anime movies. didnt reinvent the wheel but i had a good time. im excited for the greed island arc, and im also disproportionately excited to watch the hxh musical bc that is a thing that exists and i MUST see it asap bc that sounds like the kind of hilarious wackiness that appeals to me specifically

so thats it...later!

#this is more of a recap than a liveblog lmao #anyways. good times #lj watches hxh #hxh

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wordscorrupt · 5 years

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19?

19. “The pain meds aren’t working! Don’t you hear him?”

FYI I might have gone a little overboard with this one. Furthermore, medical accuracy is never a thing with me.

~~~~

It started a couple days ago, with a fever and stiff neck that led to the predicament they were in now.

Happy dropped Peter off on Friday to spend the weekend at the compound but at first glance, Tony knew something was not right. Usually the kid was practically skipping into the lab, bouncing off the walls with this kind of youthful vibrating energy that Tony had quickly fallen in love.

But that time, the kid hazard stumbled into the lab, a miserable expression across his face. Before Tony could even react, the kid was more so crawling into this lap, latching onto Tony and pressing his face into his mentor’s chest.

He had been burning.

“D’nt feel ‘ood,” Peter muffled voice informed him.

Happy had texted him a few minutes earlier to warn him that the kid was a little off, but Tony was not ready for this. He was used to dealing with a sick Peter, but usually, that meant a stubborn Peter that refused to acknowledge the fact that he was sick even after Tony laid out all the facts. A sick Peter was hesitant to even allude to the fact that he might not be well and brushed away any question of it. A sick Peter masked his illness away until Tony had to practically chisel him out of it.

This was not the normal sick Peter that Tony had learned to deal with and it terrified him.

He didn’t hesitate for a second as he took quick control over the situation, cradling the teen in his arms as he rushed towards the medbay. Whether it was a gut feeling or something else more visceral, Tony knew that Peter was not okay and that was never an acceptable definition of the kid in his books.

Hours in the medbay, struggling to get Peter to stop withering around for the doctors to examine him ended with a diagnosis of the flu.

“You don’t understand. He’s had the flu before, this, this isn’t right,” Tony had argued as the doctor handed him a packet of information on how to manage the flu, like he hadn’t memorized the information from the first time around.

The doctor explained to him that Peter was just experiencing a more severe version of the flu than from last time. He had nodded his head, watching the doctor turn around to leave before grabbing his tablet and sending an urgent message to Bruce, practically begging him to leave his conference early to fly over and take a look at Peter.

By the time he arrived two days later, Tony was at his wit’s end and ready to tear his hair out. No amount of cold baths could bring down Peter’s raging fever. The kid had sweat through any pajamas that Tony could get him in to the point that Tony just had to leave him in his boxers. Days and nights were spent trying desperately to comfort Peter as he suffered through severe headaches that had him thrashing around in his bed and more often than not ended with him throwing up the small amount of food that Tony had managed to get him to eat.

When Bruce finally arrived, He took one look at Peter and with wide eyes, demanded that they go the medbay instantly. Tony had carried Peter down, blanket and all, his cheek pressed against the kid’s matted curls. In the elevator ride down to the medbay, Peter’s whimpers and Tony’s soft coos were the only things that had resonated in the small space.

Once they had reached the medbay, Bruce had directed him to lay his kid down on one of the exam beds as he started to rummage through the cabinets.

“Bruce, what’s wrong with him?” It was the question he had dared to ask but needed to know the answer of. Tony hated being lost in the dark, especially if it pertained at all to Peter’s health and wellbeing.

“I looked at the symptoms and doctor’s notes from when you first brought him in. This may have started out as the flu, but it’s way past that right now. My guess is acute bacterial meningitis but we can’t conclude that until we run a few tests, mainly blood cultures and testing a sample of cerebrospinal fluid.”

Bruce returned with a tray full of items depositing them on a stand next to the bed before glancing over at Tony whose face had paled.

“We’ll do the blood cultures first as it takes at least forty-eight hours to get the preliminary result back. Then the spinal tap.”

“That requires an anesthetic and you know any kind of it is just going to be metabolized instantly,” Tony had reminded him.

Bruce had sighed, nodding his head before replying, “Yes, but we can try to manage the pain during with medications.”

“He’ll metabolize those just as quickly!”

“We’ll keep a steady, heavy dose going through an intravenous line, Tony. I know it’s not the best option, but the only one we have at the moment.”

Tony had gritted his teeth, leaving Bruce to set everything up while he focused on Peter who had been unaware of the entire conversation, similar to much of all his other surroundings in the past two days. But for once, Tony was relieved that Peter’s state of awareness was diminished. Maybe, just maybe with the help of the medications, they would be able to get through the testing with less difficulty than Tony was imagining.

How wrong he had been.

“The pain meds aren’t working! Don’t you hear him?” Tony’s roared, his wide, distressed eyes landing on Bruce.

“I hear him, Tony! I’m trying to go as fast as I can!” Bruce’s voice barely could be heard over the tormented sounds coming from his kid.

If there was one thing in this world that Tony could go his entire life without experiencing again it was listening to the choked, gut-wrenching sobs coming from Peter.

“P-p-please, s-stop.”

Cross that. Peter’s begging for the inevitable was worse than anything else.

Tony could list about a hundred different personally agonizing scenarios he’d rather suffer through than have to be present in this moment of time, trying desperately to hold down a thrashing teen in his arms as a needle dug around in the kid’s back.

Small fingers dug at his shirt, the material already having been ripped at the seams the moment that Bruce had inserted the needle. Tony had his forehead pressed against the teen’s one, whispering soft, reassuring words that he prayed would make an effect on Peter.

“It’s almost over, kiddo. I swear, it’s almost over. You’re doing so good.”

For a moment, the cries stopped as Peter’s warm, short gasps of breath brushed against Tony’s cheek and for one desperate split second Tony imagined that the medicine had finally done its job before just as quickly Peter was reverting back to the sobs that Tony was all too familiar with.

Tony lifted his head up for a moment, glancing at Bruce who had a steady, determined yet pressing look on his face as his hands worked delicately to obtain the sample of spinal fluid.

“Please tell me it’s almost over,” Tony begged.

Bruce didn’t look up but answered briskly, “Just a few more minutes and it’ll be done.”

Tony bit his tongue before turning back to Peter, peppering the kid’s forehead with kisses.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Petey,” Tony whispered, delicate fingers brushing the kid’s tears away.

This was what his own personal hell was going to be like, Tony concluded as he pressed his lips to the side of Peter’s head, resting them there for a few seconds. He basked in his thoughts for a few more moments before a retching sound pulled him back out.

“Oh, kiddo,” Tony murmured leaning back and seeing a trail of vomit running down the side of Peter’s chin, landing in a puddle of it that was on the bed. He grabbed a small cloth and gently wiped away at his chin, careful to avoid any of the mess on the bed.

“Done.” Bruce suddenly exclaimed as Tony was cleaning up Peter’s face and he looked up in time to see him cap final vial of the sample and he didn’t think he would ever hate anything else more than that tiny vial of fluid.

Slowly, Peter’s cries diminished until there was nothing but aching whimpers left to replace them.

“We’ll have to roll him onto his back,” Bruce told him as he got up from his stool.

“Not on this bed. I’m not letting him lay down next to a puddle of his own vomit,” Tony demanded and after a few more arguments, Bruce allowed him to carry Peter over to one of the more suitable beds.

“Be gentle,” Bruce warned him and Tony scoffed. As if he was ever anything but gentle when it came to his kid.

Much like one would handle a newborn, Tony carried Peter over to the new bed and carefully deposited him down onto his back. Nevertheless, Peter let out a pained cry as his back touched the surface.

“Shh, you’re okay, bud. I got you,” Tony cooed, pressing a kiss to Peter’s forehead once he got him settled. While Bruce went to the lab in the back of the medbay to run the tests, Tony occupied himself with getting Peter cleaned up and settled in. Peter had instantly knocked out the second Tony tucked a blanket around him.

Bruce came by an hour later to inform him that he was going to start Peter on a round of antibiotics but once he got the first batch of results back, he would start to tailor it around the specific bacteria that had caused everything in the first place.

“I’m sorry,” Tony started to say as he watched Bruce hook up the bag of antibiotics and another bag of fluids before being interrupted.

“Stop, Tony. You have nothing to apologize for,” Bruce stated, leaving no room for argument. Tony sighed as he turned back to the IV pump.

“You had every right to act the way you did. I don’t deal with a whole lot of young patients in my line of work, Tony, much less their parents,” Bruce started and held up a hand the moment he knew Tony was going to deny the ‘parent’ part before continuing, “You reacted similarly to how any other parent would have acted seeing their kid in pain.”

“I’m not his parent, Banner. I’m not even his guardian. He’s got his aunt that already that cares for him, that loves him more anything in the world,” Tony explained, voice laced with a hint of sorrow and dejection that Bruce seldom heard.

“You mean to tell me that you don’t love him?” Bruce pressed on, arms crossed and eyebrow raised.

Tony drew back as if he had been hit and replied, “Of course I love him. More than anything. But wouldn’t even probably be here right now if I stood my ground with that first doctor. His aunt would have demanded another opinion instantly. I’m just saying, he doesn’t need me. Not like he needs his aunt.”

Bruce sighed, rolling his eyes, wondering how one person could simultaneously be one of the dumbest and smartest people alive.

“You’ve never been more wrong in your life, Tony,” Bruce pointed out.

“That’s debatable,” Tony mumbled, reaching a hand out to sweep the curls off Peter’s face.

“Take it from someone who's known you longer than most of the other people surrounding you here. This child needs you more than he needs the air around him to breathe and the same thing goes for you. And contrary to your popular belief, a child can have more than just one person to love and take care of them, Tony.”

Bruce could see a faint smile grow on Tony’s lip and he considered it a success and probably as much as he was going to get out of him.

Leaving the conversation be, he started hooking up Peter to several machines to keep a close eye on his vitals and programmed them to make sure he would be notified of any drastic changes.

“I’m gonna head up and try to catch some sleep. I’ll be notified of any changes but if you need me too, just let me know.”

Tony shooed him off with a wave of his hand and after Bruce left he focused on Peter. His breathing was still raspy and his chest still heaved up and down too fast for his liking. But for the first time in days, he was sleeping relatively soundly. Tony had to imagine it was because of how much energy this entire fiasco drained him out of when he barely had any to start with.

“Friday, dim the lights by eighty percent.”

Tony let out a deep breath as the light faded around him and Peter in the small private room. Not too dark, that he couldn’t see Peter anymore, but the effect was still enough for Tony’s eyelids to start drooping. He had barely slept at all while taking care of Peter and during this one moment of peace, he could feel all the stress and need to rest weighing him down. But not before pulling his chair as close as possible and grabbing a hold of Peter’s hand closest to him and after a soft reassurance to Peter that he loved him, did Tony finally let sleep take a hold of him.

#irondad #iron dad #tony stark #peter parker #whump #sickness #fluff-to-kitten

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the-bounce-back · 4 years

Text

THE CONFIDENCE CHRONICLES IV - CONFIDENCE IN YOUR CRAFT

This is post 4/5 of my “Confidence Chronicles” series, in which I discuss the mindsets, actions and thought processes I’ve applied to build/rebuild my confidence in different aspects of my life. The goal of these 5 posts is for you readers to be able to apply relevant points to your own insecurities in order to combat them, and hopefully aid in building your own confidence over time.

_____________

Oooh, check me out with the post consistency. That’s how you know it’s a new year and decade, baby!

I’d like to start off by saying that I have been excited to write this post in particular for quite a long while now - literally since about July last year. However, my life was a bit of a mess at the time, and I didn’t want to put the previous post on hold, so it had to wait until now.

Maybe this was for the best, though - this post is going to be about confidence in your craft and the projects you put out into the world. Although I was literally planning on writing this post around 7 months ago, I can honestly say that my confidence levels in my own projects have never been higher than right now, so writing about it now makes more sense. See, procrastination helps!

Anyways. To kick this post off, I want to take some time to acknowledge my many talents. Besides my *impeccable* blogging skills, not many people know that I’ve dabbled in acting and drumming in the past, and I am currently also writing a book (more about that in a future post) and getting back into interior design, learning new languages and drawing. These are my current favourite pastimes, and what I say to people whenever I’m asked what my “hobbies” are.

The reason why I’m sharing this is because I want people to understand that unless you are vocal about your passions, how the hell are other people meant to be able to support and appreciate your work? It goes without saying that bigging yourself up and showing off your talents can feel extremely vain if you are a naturally reserved/humble person - but my hope is that this post will teach you how to be more confident in your work.

I am very excited to share this post because I am blessed to have friends of what feels like millions of different talents. Actors, musicians, podcasters, poets, youtubers, models, MUA’s, chefs, hair stylists… the list goes on, and it makes me so proud to see that they are all in their respective creative bags right now - so this post is somewhat dedicated to them as well if they ever have feelings of insecurity in their talents.

I will be talking about what I have found to be the most important factors of being confident in your creativity, not letting criticism (constructive or otherwise) make you want to give up, and getting over the initial fear of putting something you’ve created out into the world, because let’s face it; sharing something you’ve created can be incredibly vulnerable. You are essentially sharing a private aspect of yourself for the world to critically analyse, and it’s normal to find this daunting - however, it’s all about how you handle it.

Based on my own experiences and anonymous examples from my friends, I will try my best to explain how best to develop a deep sense of confidence and pride in your creative endeavours.

1. Ensure that you are doing your craft out of passion.

Regardless of if you are creating content solely for your own enjoyment or to capitalise on it, I definitely think that it is imperative that what you are doing fills you with joy and that you are excited to do the activity. This may sound like a no-brainer, but I feel like I see a lot of people nowadays forcing themselves to pursue certain endeavours due to influences from social media, or are forcing themselves to capitalise off a hobby they used to love, but now hate because of the added pressure of having to create content/products for the target audience.

This is partly why I am apprehensive about ways of monetising this blog - or any of my other creative projects, for that matter. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t crossed my mind, but my biggest fear is starting to resent an activity I once loved because of external pressure such as deadlines, not having full creative control and having to “tread carefully” with the messages I put out, if that makes sense.

Pursuing a hobby for the sole purpose of others is never going to make you feel that what you’re creating is good. Constantly trying to please the masses as opposed to just doing whatever makes you feel happy is always going to make you feel anxious and scared of the reception, I think. Instead, I’d suggest that you evaluate what is more important to you: approval or enjoyment. If it’s the former, then by all means… keep forcing yourself to pursue hobbies that may or may not give you recognition. Who knows - maybe you’ll blow up and get the sponsorships, money and fans that you want, and I don’t even mean this in a petty or sarcastic way. If that’s what you set out to do, then I’d be very happy for you.

However, I reiterate: pursuing a hobby for anyone other than yourself runs a great risk of becoming a burden in the long run, as well as a risk of losing your self confidence when you don’t get the attention or accolades that you believe that you deserve.

I think I have an issue with the above because it relates back to past posts in which I’ve discussed humans’ desperation to be approved and acknowledged by their peers. It alludes to a deeply rooted insecurity in yourself, your abilities and your belief in said abilities - I only say this because this literally used to be me before deciding to sack everyone off and do whatever the f*ck I wanted.

Personally, my dream scenario would be for people to find a hobby that they are truly passionate about and that they can capitalise off in a way that doesn’t restrict their creative process and that is on their own terms. Because, let’s be honest - receiving money and accolades doing something that you truly love is a major confidence boost… regardless of if the money and recognition motivates you or not. But the bottom line is that your confidence in your creativity should not be rooted in anything else but your own joy.

2. Appoint a/some constructive critic(s).

It goes without saying that true confidence comes from ~*wItHiN*~, but there is nothing wrong with looking to friends and/or family for opinions and support. In fact, I’d even go as far as saying that having someone who understands your vision and wants you to achieve your goals is a must.

This someone is a crucial part of the creative process, because they will ideally motivate (aka bully...exactly like the gif above) you into meeting the deadlines you set for yourself, give you honest feedback and give you a kick up the arse on the days where you don’t really feel like doing anything. They will remind you of the reason why you started your project when you feel like giving up - and having someone like this in your corner that unconditionally believes in you is a massive ego boost.

Something that’s even better than having one person in your corner is having multiple people in your corner. And something that’s even better than having multiple people in your corner, is having multiple people in your corner that are also creative and have their own projects going on. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a group of people with the exact same hobby as you (although this definitely helps too!), but surrounding yourself with people that are also making things happen for themselves gives you a beautiful sense of community. I can only speak for myself, but forming friendships with other creatives has definitely helped me come out of my shell. I still remember when I first “pitched” my blog idea to my friends - thinking that I’d get a lukewarm response (because let’s face it… a lot of people unfortunately don’t enjoy reading anymore) - but the positive feedback and support I got is what gave me the confidence to actually start. And when I was on my hiatus, I’d be harassed for updates on when my next post was coming, and brutally dragged when I didn’t post on the days I had promised. The same goes for their projects as well - it was only recently that we had to bully someone for not releasing their podcast when they said they would.

Another aspect of having a group of critics that believe in you is the motivation you get from seeing them putting their plans into action. Honestly. Seeing my friends’ work ethics and how hard they grind makes me want to be better - not only to keep up, but for myself in general.

The bottom line is that although you don’t need people in your corner to get started, it is definitely a major asset to have. You should be confident that your work is great by your own accord, but getting it confirmed - or receiving feedback for improvements - is just another key to improving your confidence.

3. Do not be afraid of vulnerability (if your craft requires you to do so).

Believe me… I get it. Putting out something you’ve created for the entire planet to see can be incredibly daunting, especially if a lot of emotion has gone into it. It feels like you’re putting a very dainty and vulnerable part of you out on a perilous battlefield, out in the open where nowhere to take cover. This is where a lot of us (myself included) tend to overthink sharing our work, or in some cases chose not to share it at all. If only you guys knew how many draft posts have ended up in the bin because I was worried about being judged (they’re being revived though, fear not!)... it’s mad how much fear and anxiety can hold you back from being great.

This is where it’s important to understand the power of being able to be vulnerable, honest and open through your selected medium. As cringe as it sounds, opening your heart to the world and letting people see your insecurities, unresolved issues and things you’d much rather hide leads to the situations power over you significantly diminishing. And the more you do it, the closer you get to the situation no longer being able to hurt you anymore - because once it’s out in the open, nothing or no one can actually tell you sh*t. Once you get to the point of no longer caring who knows what your internal struggles are, I promise that you feel insanely confident and empowered, because you are no longer living in fear.

Another beautiful aspect of vulnerability in relation to self-confidence is that ever so often, you get to hear that your work has genuinely helped, inspired or motivated someone. I know I said that validation and approval from others isn’t the best reason for pursuing a hobby, but this is different in the sense that you’re doing your thing regardless of if you get positive feedback for it - the recognition is truly just a bonus, but a contributor to increased confidence all the same.

Hopefully, utilising these three methods will make you feel a great deal more confident about your creative projects/side hustles for the following reasons:

You’re doing this project primarily because it brings you joy.

The way I see it, taking time out of your day to do something that makes you genuinely happy is an act of self-care and incredibly empowering, in the sense that we are choosing to not be distracted and led astray by the infinite amount of garbage media that is constantly in our faces due to social media. Being able to make time on a project - whatever it may be - that brings you happiness and engages your right brain is a massive blessing in our age group, as we take on more and more responsibilities that eat up our time and drain us.

A cute metaphor for this could be that your day to day routine is a desert. Going to work/uni, doing work/uni related projects, doing chores around the house and all your other responsibilities is walking around for hours in the sun, making us drained, famished and parched. Our hobbies should be like a much-welcomed oasis, providing us with water, food, shade and somewhere to recharge (joy, inspiration, motivation and a well-deserved break for the brain).

Okay, that was a bit cringe. But you get the point - allowing ourselves to have something in this hard life to enjoy is a confidence boost in itself.

After paying attention to the feedback you get, you’ll become even more skilled at your craft over time.

It’s no conundrum that experience equals expertise, and that constantly improving your creative process in accordance with feedback from someone you know understands your vision will make you more sure of yourself in the long run.

Think about it: if you’re already doing something you genuinely love, and you have a trusted person/trusted people in your life to turn to for genuine opinions, how can you not win?

By “winning”, I mean your work getting progressively better over time, combined with a feeling of security and support from your peers. I mean becoming more emotionally, mentally, spiritually and maybe even financially (if you’re so inclined) stable through doing something you genuinely love. The prize is peace of mind, feeling supported, and full creative control of your work - and I honestly can’t think of anything more satisfying.

You’re taking control of your doubts and insecurities and flipping them into assets.

For me, this is a no brainer. What could possibly be more confidence-boosting than overcoming insecurities and being able to use them to your advantage in your creative endeavours? It’s literally what my entire blog is based upon, and writing about things that have caused me a great deal of pain in the past has ended up being a very therapeutic and cathartic experience, as well as extremely empowering - in the sense that I don’t allow certain situations have control over me anymore. I can now focus on continuing to heal, and help others who may come across my work in the meantime.

Having a personal project that challenges you to face and overcome your insecurities is something that I think everyone should try to have. It might get hard at times and extremely tempting to quit, but once your work is ready for the world to see I promise you that you’ll get a boost in confidence.

By keeping these three points in mind, I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll feel infinitely more confident in your creative projects. Knowing that you’re putting your entire heart into a project that you are sharing with the whole world, knowing that you have supporters that you can trust with honest opinions and feedback and knowing that you’ve stayed true to yourself regardless of if the norm enjoys is an ideal state of mind to be in.

On a final note, I want to reiterate that there is no “wrong” or “right” way to have a hobby and gain confidence from it. This post is just general guidelines that really helped me come out of my shell creatively, and I’d like to think it’d work for others too. However, you know best how comfortable you are with exposing your work and what your existing confidence levels are like, so please proceed accordingly (and don’t blame me if things go tits up because you decided not to take the time to listen to yourself!).

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #selflove #goals #empowerment

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mycatmoo · 5 years

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The Great Escape (Oumota Weekend)

Oumota weekend

Villain vs Superhero

“So this is it. The final battle.” A voice said out of nowhere as Kaito, Maki, and Shuichi entered the final room of the villains lair.

“Huh?” Kaito asks, looking around the dark room. He could barely see a foot in front of him, and he most certainly couldn’t see their enemy.

“Such a shame too. This is the most fun I’ve had in a loooong time.” The voice says with a dramatic sigh.

“Show yourself, Kokichi. We know its you.” Maki hisses.

“Maaan, still quite bitchy, huh, Maki Roll? Weell, if you INSIST. It is quite boring to have a conversation with people who cannot see me.” Kaito waited with baited breath to see the person the three of them has been chasing for a long time.

For some reason Kaito didn’t understand, he felt excited to see the smaller boy, but also anxious. Seeing him again would mean they would have to fight, and this fight would mean that they would never get to see him again. And something about the thought of never seeing Kokichi again made Kaito feel… hollow.

They waited a bit. Then a bit longer. Then a little bit longer. But still, he didn’t show up.

“Uh… where is he?” Shuichi asks, looking around. After that, they heard a “nishishi” come from behind them. Turning around, the three saw Kokichi in all his glory, wearing his cape and hat.

Immediately, Maki whipped out her gun, and pointing it at Kokichi.

“Aah come on Maki Roll! Don’t be like that! After all, the villain is supposed to give a villainous monologue before the big fight! It would be no fun if you put a gun to my head beforehand!”

“So give that monologue so I can shoot you and get this done with.”

“Maaan. You always were a buzzkill. Definitely my least favorite out of your little band of heroes. By the way, where’s Kaede and Rantaro? Seems strange that you’d leave them out.”

“They stayed in case anything went wrong.” Shuichi explained.

“Well then wouldn’t it have made more sense to bring Kaede along instead of you? After all, if what you’re thinking does happen and I wind up defeating you, wouldn’t it make more sense to have “the heart” there to keep you all going instead of “the smart guy?”

“What are you going on about this time?” Kaito asks.

“Oh, you know. Just me being me. Just spouting out random nonsense that comes to my brain.”

“That has to be a lie. You never just “spout out random nonsense that comes to your brain.” Maki growls, eyes narrowing.

“Aaah man. Ya caught me. Yes, there was a point.” Kokichi says with faux disappointment, his smile still present on his face.

“So what were you talking about?” Kaito asks, putting his hand behind his head in confusion.

“If you beat me I’ll tell you! After all, I still haven’t given my villainous monologue!”

“So get to it.” Maki growls.

“Alright alright, you don’t have to rush me!

…

Oh would you look at the time, seems I gotta blast.” Kokichi says with a laugh.

‘What?”

“Well, as it turns out, I’m not actually the final boss! The boss has finally entered the room!” And with that, Kokichi runs to the door, throwing it open then slamming it shut. Kaito hears a click come from the door, and when Maki (after chasing after Kokichi) tried opening it, she found it locked.

“Its locked.” She simply says. Then, the three of them were pounded with a blinding light. It took a bit, but soon enough, Kaito adjusted to the light.

“Thaaaat’s right losers! The dude you were following all this time? He was just a ploy! I am the actual mastermind behind everything!” A voice announces. Turning to the front of front of the room, he could finally see the rest of the room. It was like a throne room, with massive windows, elaborately decorated, and a red carpet leading to massive throne. And sitting on the throne was a woman, about their age, with pinkish-blonde hair in two ponytails.

Kaito immediately recognized who it was. It was the woman who had helped them multiple times throughout this journey.

Junko Enoshima.

“Gotta get to the secret door, quickly.” Kokichi mutters, rushing around the floating airship that his “boss,” Junko, calls her villainous home.

He knew from the beginning that Junko was the big bad terrorizing the city. After the first bank robbery where the only thing left was a simple black and white bear hairpin, he knew it. And he knew he had to stop her.

He was one of her first “followers”, and got to the second highest rank rather quickly.

She didn’t have a clue about his plan to stop her.

As he ran through the passageway leading to the throne room, he could feel his heart rushing. His brain was working in overload. He could stop worrying that his plan would fail.

That any of those three would get hurt.

That Kaito would get hurt.

At the thought of Kaito getting hurt, he shoved the feeling into a box labeled “repression.”

It wouldn’t matter what his opinion of the “hero” was, he had more important things to worry about.

Soon, he got to the door. Grabbing a taser gun attached on his pants, hidden by his cape (he left his hat on the run here) he opened the door slowly. Looking around, he saw what he estimated would happen. Junko giving a monologue while holding Shuichi to her, holding a gun to his head. Kaito, with his sword drawn, was trying to talk her out of it, while Maki looked around for a solution.

Junko had her back to him. Good. He could work with this.

Walking out slowly, he sneaks closer to Junko, making sure he cannot hear his footsteps.

It was Kaito who saw him first. He looked about ready to say something to Kokichi, but Kokichi put his finger to his mouth in a “shh” way. As soon as he got close enough to Junko, he raised his taser, and shot her square in the back.

With a scream, Junko let go of Shuichi as she fell to her knees, shaking from the taser.

“Shuichi!” Kaito immediately exclaims, rushing over to the shaking boy and throwing his arm over his shoulder.

“Come on you three!” Kokichi immediately yells, rushing over to the secret door.

“Wait, what about Junko?!” Kaito immediately calls.

“There is something MUCH more important to worry about right now!” Kokichi yells back, throwing open the secret door and turning around.

“And why should we trust you?” Maki asks with eyes narrowed.

“Just trust me. I’ll explain later.” And with that, Kokichi rushes through the door, not looking back to see if the three of them was following. With Junko out of commission for a little while, he could focus on the more threatening person to his plan. Monaca. His mind set, he rushes over to the control room of the ship.

Behind him, he could hear three sets of footsteps. So they WERE following him. Good. His plan was going swelly.

In fact, it was going too swell. Something about that didn’t sit right with Kokichi.

Soon enough, the group was at the control room. Putting his eye to the eye scanner, Kokichi opens the door. Peering inside, he didn’t see the little girl.

Good.

“Come in. I’ll explain.” Kokichi says, walking into the room. Letting the other three enter, he closed and locked the door.

“Why did you lock the door?” Maki asks, glaring at Kokichi.

“Relaaax. Its locked from the inside. Press the red button and you can leave.” Kokichi sighs dramatically, walking up to the computer. “Aaaanyway. As for the reason I stopped you from killing Junko and ending this here, well… It’s simple really.” Kokichi says, digging in his pocket for a flashdrive. Finding it, he sticks it into the computer, turning it on.

“If you DID kill her, it would initiate plan two of her Destroy the World plan.”

“What?!” Kaito exclaims.

“How would killing Junko be the start of a plan two?” Maki asks.

“All of her followers would be enraged… They would follow her plan to end the world if she died…”

“Ya. That’s why we have to defeat her without killing her.” Kokichi says, half paying attention. He had to take control of the ship and manage to pilot it to where DICE was hiding. From there, the police would swoop in and arrest everyone inside.

This plan would only work today. He fought tooth and nail to get all of the Remnants of Despair inside the ship today, and this was likely his one shot.

Only a few people knew of the secret door, and Junko would likely be able to narrow it down to him.

“Need help with that?” Kaito asks, surprising Kokichi slightly.

“Nishishi. I doubt YOU of all people would know what to do here!”

“Well it looks like you’re having some trouble with that.”

“Aaah. Does Kaito-chan CARE for me? The guy who was harassing you for how long?”

“Well it’s obvious that you are actually a good guy!”

“I prefer “anti-hero” y’know. Their more fun than just a boring old good guy. Just like you!”

“HEY!”

“Aaaand… Got it.” Kokichi mutters.

“Got what?” Shuichi asks.

“The wheel to this thing it based off your fingerprints. And it doesn’t recognize my fingerprints. I had to hack the system to reset the fingerprints. Sooo.. does any of you know how to drive an aircraft?”

“Wait, you don’t know? Isn’t all of this YOUR plan?” Maki asks.

“Uh yea. I know how to drive one of these things. But I just saved your asses. I think it’s time I get a break.”

“...Fine. I’ll do it.” Maki says with a sigh.

“Great! Put your fingers on that thing!” Kokichi announces, pointing to a small circle near the steering wheel. Putting her fingers on it, a robotic voice announces;

“Fingerprints detected. Allowing access to steer the ship.”

“Alright, where am I taking this thing?”

“Here.” Kokichi says, pulling up a map on the computer, inputting an area, and setting it to give directions.

“Alright. Lets go.” Maki sighs, grabbing the steering wheel, allowing the computer to give her directions on where to go.

When Kaito saw Kokichi sneaking up behind Junko, he felt his heart skip a beat. At first he felt anxious, scared that Kokichi was going to shoot one of them. But then he realized something when he pointed that gun at Junko.

He was on their side the entire time.

Suddenly, so much made sense. From the multiple encounters he had with Kokichi, he said many cryptic things. But now, seeing this, he realized their meaning.

He was alluding to his plan, and how he was going to betray Junko.

So, without another thought, he followed Kokichi.

Why did his heart skip a beat when he realized this?

And now, looking at the smaller boy sitting in the corner with his eyes closed, though not really sleeping, he saw him in a new light. And why is Kaito’s heart beating so fast?

“Uuh Kaito? Can you stop staring? Its kinda creeping me out.”

“Oh shit, I’m sorry.” Kaito says, quickly turning his head away.

“Neeheehee.” Kokichi says. Despite trying his best to make it not seem like he’s tired, Kaito could tell that he was. Scooting up to the smaller boy, he attempts to strike up a conversation.

“So, all this time, you were just playing Junko?”

“Yup!”

“And you were on our side the entire time?”

“Well I wouldn’t say I was on YOUR side. I was on MY side, which just happened to align with your side.”

“So about that conversation we were having before you ran off?”

“I told you. I’d tell you what I meant if you beat me, and you didn’t, sooo…”

“Ah come on, man!”

“What? You wanna fight? I still got my taser!”

“If either of you fight then I am turning this ship around.” Maki growls.

“Sorry Maki Roll.”

“Stop calling me Maki Roll.”

And the conversation started up again from there. Granted, Kokichi and Kaito DID get into an argument. Like pretty much every other encounter they’ve had. But whatever, it’s kind of expected at this point.

Eventually though, there was a knock at the door. Then another. Then a lot more.

“Huh. Guess she finally decided to show up.” Kokichi sighs, getting up and pulling out a small taser and a strange bomb. Walking over to a small trunk, he removes two strange hammers, handing them to Kaito.

“Who?” Shuichi asks.

“Monaca. She’s the technician of the group. She’s the person I was most concerned about.”

“What are these?” Kaito asks, looking strangely at the hammers.

“Electrohammers. Hit a touch, they can knock out any electronics. Monaca’s power comes from primarily from electronics, so these will be useful. And these.” Kaito says, holding up the bombs. “Are electrobombs. They block out electromagnetic waves.”

“Ah. So we’re going to have to fight robots?” Shuichi asks, grabbing a hammer.

“Most likely. Maki, don’t stop steering. No matter what.”

“I can’t promise anything.” Maki sighs.

“Alright. Let’s do this.” Kokichi says, holding up the taser, facing the door just as it opens. Just outside the door, Kaito could see a little girl with green hair.

“Huh? You technician, and the one you were most worried about, was a little girl?” Kaito asks incredulously.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover. I’m pretty fearsome.” Monaca says with her creepy smile. “You did so well, getting to this point. It took us a while to realize that you incapacitated Big Sis Junko and that you were here.”

“Nishishi. Glad you’re proud of me.” Kokichi says, putting his hand behind his head.

“Too bad that all that work was for nothing. You are a traitor, and I will not let you get in the way of Big Sis Junko’s plan.” And with that, 5 robots appeared behind Monaca. “Have fun.” Monaca says in a sing song voice, stepping behind the robots.

“Okay, the electrohammers will only be able to knock out one of exisals. There are 6 inside the trunk. I’m going to go for Monaca.” Kokichi whispers to the two boys. “Lets go.” And with that, the three of the charged.

Kaito immediately went for the exisal closest to him, a yellow one. They didn’t seem to expect this, and Kaito managed to get a clear hit on the exisal’s leg. With a sputter, the robot slumped to the ground. While he didn’t see it, Kaito felt Kokichi run past him, and past the exisal. Next to him, Kaito saw Shuichi knock out a pink one.

“Good job Shuichi! That’s my sidekick!” Kaito called with a thumbs up.

“Hey knuckleheads! Focus on the robots instead of your bromance!” Kokichi shouts, nearly dodging an arm of a red exisal swinging at him.

“Kokichi!” Kaito yells, running inside the control room. Throwing his used electrohammer, he grabs two more, Shuichi grabbing one, and runs back out. Charging at the red exisal harassing Kokichi, he swings at it, knocking that one out. He could hear Shuichi knocking out an exisal behind him. “You alright?”

“Yea, thanks.” Kokichi says without thinking, charging after Monaca, who ran away. Quickly taking out the last exisal, Kaito chases after Kokichi, throwing his two electrohammers in a random direction again.

“Stay with Maki! I’m going to help Kokichi!” Kaito yells to Shuichi as he runs. He didn’t wait for a response. Despite trying his best though, Kaito wasn’t able to keep up with Kokichi. Soon enough, he lost track of him.

Skidding to a stop, Kaito has only one thing to say. “Shit.”

Without another thought, Kaito starts running again, this time following his gut. And it seemed like his gut was right, as he soon heard a loud bang and a scream.

“Kokichi!” Kaito yells, running to where he heard the scream. Quickly, he throws the door open, and sees a simple room. Kokichi was kneeling, holding an area in his stomach, with Monaca standing over him, a gun in her hand.

Without another thought, Kaito rushes Monaca, pulling the gun out of her hand, and shoving her away from Kokichi.

“Stay away from him, you brat!” Kaito yells, standing in between the two of them.

“Kaito…” Kokichi says weakly, before Kaito heard a small thud from behind him.

“Kokichi!”

“You’re too late. Kokichi is going to die.” Monaca says cheerfully.

“Fuck you!”

“That’s a harsh thing to say to a kid.”

“I don’t care! Just come here, you brat!” Kaito yells, rushing at Monaca again, picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder.

“Let go of me!” Monaca cries, kicking and screaming. Not affected by the weak kicks and punches from the 8-something or other year old, Kaito gently picks up a knocked out Kokichi, rushing back to the control room.

“Shuichi! Help me!” He says as soon as he gets there. Upon seeing the heavily bleeding Kokichi, Shuichi gets to work, attempting to slow the bleeding. Kaito puts the still screaming Monaca in the corner, blocking the doorway.

From there, Kaito was mostly in a daze. Before he knew it, the ship landed and police rushed inside. They put Kokichi in an ambulance, and he was rushed to the nearest hospital. And before he knew it, Kaito was passed out at the side of Kokichi’s bed, head resting on the side of his bed.

“Ngh..” Kokichi groans tiredly. He couldn’t feel anything. He couldn’t see anything. And he was too tired to process anything. It felt like forever where he laid there, nothing happened, before he slowly opened his eyes. It was blurry at first. Okay, for a while. But soon enough, he got his vision back. He got his senses back. And he could finally feel stuff. He felt something in his arm. He felt warmth from the blanket. Soon enough, Kokichi realized he was in a hospital.

It took him a bit, but soon he remembered what sent him into the hospital in the first place.

“Kaito…” Kokichi whispers, too tired to be any louder. His voice was cracky, as if he hadn’t used it in a long time. Which was likely.

...How did he survive?

Managing to look around, he saw Kaito, sitting on the side of his bed, head on said bed, sleeping. He looked so peaceful.

Kokichi could feel his heart flutter. And this time, he was too tired to bury it. His box labeled “repression” burst open. Kokichi couldn’t help himself after that. Despite being tired, he slowly and shakily raised a hand to Kaito’s face with a tired smile.

When Kaito stirred slightly from the touch, Kokichi’s hand gave out. He started drifting off to sleep again. But Kokichi had one last thought before sleep consumed him again.

That he loved Kaito, and since Kaito was the one worriedly by his side when he was hurt, he likely did as well.

#Oumota #Oumotaweekend #Kaito momota #kokichi ouma #shuichi saihara #maki harukawa

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feel199x · 5 years

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⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚apple of my eye ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ Chapter V

gang!au, gang member!han jisung, underground band!au, florist!reader

I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X

a/n: this chapter is written a little differently, most of the action will be happening in the upcoming chapters. okay stays im the writer and I Am: Anxious

masterlist

warnings: alludes to drugs (selling), blood bruise mention, gun mention, and themes of stalking and abuse

┍━━━━━━━✿━━━━━━━┑

Minho had always been the head between the two of them. Jisung had always been much too emotional. It wasn’t that he wasn’t smart- Jisung had a showcase of talents, a variety of things that he was incredibly good at. It never used to be a big deal, not before they had started the ‘band.’ The nine of them had always been best friends, growing up the same block in a not so great area of the city? They knew, even as children, that they needed each other. Their chances as a group were far better than their chances as individuals. When they were younger, Jisung always got crushes easily. And it wasn’t the kind of thing was he would get one and then leave when someone else caught his eye. No, he fell in love with the strangest things. At least, what Minho considered strange. Jisung had gotten crushes on the little things that people did. Minho remembered that once, he had ended up confessing to someone in high school because of how they laughed. Because Jisung adored making them laugh. Within this same field, he had always been the more empathetic of the group. One day, while the rest of the boys played tag around the playground, Jisung came crying over. A bird’s mother had dropped the baby bird, and in its weak attempt to fly- it died. And Jisung was crying, sobbing over the fact that there was nothing he could do to save the bird. No one but Chan knew how to comfort Jisung properly, and even then it would take a while.

It had always been endearing, a charismatic character trait until their band. It started sophomore year of high school. Really, it turned out they were all inclined to the arts when they had taken a music and dance class in middle school. But that wasn’t the sort of thing you could be proud of, not around here. Eventually, the school pulled the funding for the class anyway. But their passion hadn’t died, and instead of meeting up to play rough or cause trouble in some public places, they san, dance, rapped. It felt transformative, and when they got their first gig- an underground club agreed to let them perform their music, they were over the moon. It was all the group of boys could talk about, becoming the conversation topic sooner or later.

Minho had known that the club would’ve been sketchy- every underground club around here only had one to be underground. And even if the rest of the boys pretended not to be aware, he was. Their performance was lively in the beginning, everyone pouring their soul into the performance but even when they realized that there was not-so-discreet deals, the passing of handshakes, angel dust crumbs still lingering on people’s nose. Maybe it was because they had nothing to compare it to at the time, but the crowd was nothing they’ve ever seen before. They were dancing, shouting, screaming the lyrics. Maybe it was wrong, they all knew there was something immoral about this- but they had never felt so accomplished. Misguided as they were, they all had an idea about what they were getting themselves into.

Jisung had mixed feelings, after the performance he was crying again. Both out of happiness, the thrill of singing, rapping, dancing- performing with an audience. But he felt as if he had wronged them somehow. As if he was the one selling them the packets, and soon, too soon, he would be. Jisung was the only one on the fence about doing so, even after the entirety of the group had decided: it was wrong, but necessary. There were worse they could do. Even the youngest had come to that conclusion in a matter of a few weeks. It wasn’t that they tried going it by the traditional way, uploading it online- seeking companies. But if they didn’t reject them altogether, producers would want to cut members of the group out. And it was nine or none. Chan, who was usually composed, would cry after they had gotten rejected- or if someone had said that a group member ‘just didn’t have it.’ It felt as though it was a failure on his part.

Until one day they just had enough.

Jisung had come around eventually. And quickly, very quickly, they had risen in popularity. They were a regular at NOT!, an underground club that had become exclusive when they didn’t have enough room to house all their fans. Stray kids, their self given name, were still giving their all within each and every performance. But behind the scenes, there they were moving and selling packages like there was no way they could be caught. But, this life was missing its flaws. One night, an incident occurred- it had to happen sometime. They were just lucky that no one had died. Shots were fired in NOT!, and although no one had died, it was enough to rupture chaos within the mix of sober and high people.

Jisung had cried that night.

It was only later that they learned that members of N/S had found their way into the club. The boys weren’t stupid, they knew it was risky to sell in their vicinity- but what they weren’t aware of, was how risky. As their popularity with the locals and city folk arose, so did the competition against N/S. And N/S didn’t appreciate it, not one bit. That night, everyone had looked over to Chan and Woojin, hoping they would have some type of answer.

But they didn’t.

The club owner made a suggestion to them, an offer. That night, each boy, regardless of license- left with a gun. They had reached the point of irreversible change. They were in it for the long run now, and there was no backing out. Tensions grew and grew between the two gangs, even though Woojin and Chan refuse to call it that. To them, Stray Kids was a band, and it was just a band. But they had collected fans, ones that could relate to their cause and because of that, they considered the tension between Stray Kids and N/S their fight to win, too. But they refused to stop making music, stop trying to be successful within their own realm. The boys began to leave behind the dealings, reduced the number of packages they moved. But the tension in the city was growing until it smothered everyone. But N/S didn’t care, and one day the unpredictable happened. A black car drove by and ended up hitting Jisung in the side of his thigh. Everyone was livid then, even after Jisung had fully recovered. Now, it was decided, that it was shoot on sight.

Jisung didn’t cry that night.

So, when Jisung talked about ____ so dreamily, the group had some major concerns.

“I understand, I know you really like them,” Chan was staring at his laptop, composing a new song as Woojin played some notes for him on the piano, “But it’s risky, you should wait until things die down.” Woojin played a melody and nodded his head. “I agree, this isn’t something you should be considering right now,” Woojin added, “We can still meet them ___, but you’ll have to distance yourself after that.” As if the last part hadn’t quite registered, Jisung immediately became hyper-active again, scrambling notes for lyrics in a notebook, all about ___.

It wasn’t that Minho didn’t like ___, they were a good person. They were kind and mellowed Jisung out. It was good to see a little more emotional ever since the drive-by. But Minho always thought when Jisung didn’t.

“You shouldn’t get ___ involved,” Minho sat Jisung down, “It’s already dangerous for you. You’re always talking about how anxious and careful they are, how much they care about you. You can’t involve them.”

“But I’m not,” Jisung said curtly, “I’m going to be careful.”

“You can’t promise anything, not when you know what we do.”

Minho felt like he was the only one willing to face reality, aware of both the damage and good they were doing. The good and evil they were capable of. He was the only one of the few who had come to terms with his mortality, the others opting to live in a dreamscape.

But nightmares would soon trespass.

The night of the flower shop incident, things had gone to shit real fast. The number of gunshots had increased exponentially, the feds cracking down on everybody. But somehow, never being able to find enough, the truth hidden somewhere in angel dust. The boys had chosen to go off the grid and warned Jisung if he didn’t, then ___ wouldn’t just be missing Jisung, they would be mourning over him. So he chose the lesser of two evils, disappearing in the dead of night.

Minho wasn’t usually one to act outside of the group’s decision, believing that for everyone to be able to get along- cooperation is key. But he thought it was strange, each member experiencing some sort of life-threatening event once leaving the karaoke bar? And ___’s shop getting the worst of it? So, before the boys woke up, Minho made his way to the flower shop.

He hadn’t expected to see you though, and he most definitely didn’t expect to have you caught in the crossfires. And once Minho had told the group what happened, there was no stopping Jisung from returning to the shop.

Very few times had Minho seen Jisung angry, and never, never had he seen Jisung as enraged as he was that night. Jisung was nearly fuming, Minho could imagine steam coming off of him. And as Jisung found the ex, sleeping in your bed, after obviously going through your stuff- being an awful, disgusting creep. Jisung had nearly killed him and would have if the guy wasn’t a good fighter. Jisung dragged him out of your room, and he toppled down the stairs like a bag of bricks. He had finally decided to run off, and Jisung was too angry to be relieved that the guy didn’t have a gun, or any weapon to fight back. This feeling in Jisung was primal, but the adrenaline had to come down sometime, and then, and only then did Jisung feel the pain of each cut and bruise that he had gotten, but not earned.

But he wanted to see you, he wanted to see you more than anyone he had ever wanted to see before. It was all he could think about as he toppled down in the guest room, hearing your cries. Even after he left that morning, he traced his fingers on his lips still thinking about you. He decided that he’d rather be beaten up several more times than ever have to see you in that state again. It became his mission, his life’s goal to take down N/S. It wasn’t easy, and after hearing that you were going to return to your beloved shop. He knew it was in vain, but he had to attempt to stop you- he couldn’t live with himself if he hadn’t at least tried, but that was before this. He would’ve never thought about this, not even in his nightmares could this have been happening.

You were in his arm, caught in a chokehold. Tears streaming down your face, gasping for air. The gun digging into the side of your head as Jisung pulled out his gun, pointing it at him.

“Go ahead,” he was laughing, face bright and happy, “But I’m not leaving without ___. To love and to hold, in sickness and in health. Up in heaven, or down on this hellish earth.”

Jisung didn’t know what to do, tears in his eyes as he shook, arms and beloved biceps trembling. He brought it down, face contorted with anger. And he watched, angry tears pouring out of his eyes as he watched you be taken away

. ┕━━━━━━━✿━━━━━━━┙

#stray kids #stray kids fanfic #stray kids imagines #stray kids han #stray kids han jisung #skz imagines #skz fic #skz han jisung #skz fluff #skz angst #han jisung #han jisung fanfic #han jisung imagine #han jisung imagines

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ottomanladies · 6 years

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What do we know about Murad IV's personality?

He was surprisingly easy-going, considering that he was feared by everyone? I think the terrifying ruler was a mask he thought necessary to put the empire in order again.

“When this sultan associated with a small circle of pages and other palace folk, a group of which Evliya at one time formed a part, he put down the mask of the terrifying ruler for which, according to the historians’ perspectives, he had become infamous or else famous. [...] In any event, when no one except a few denizens of the inner palace could see him, the sultan indulged in the jokes and horseplay to be expected from a young man in high spirits, who enjoyed showing oﬀ his powerful physique. From these intimates, Murad IV was also was quite ready to tolerate even slightly oﬀ-colour jokes at his own expense.”

He also loved music and poetry, but was not interested in architecture. He used to compose too, mostly just the words as the music was usually composed by the Dervish 'Ömer, one of his compainions and one whom Murad IV addressed as “father”.

According to Evliya Celebi, Murad IV particularly enjoyed witty conversations, and of course Evliya was a master at that; the sultan once remarked to Emirgune (former governor of Yerevan) that he had never seen anyone with quicker answers than Evliya.

He was an emperor with a dervish’s nature, kind-hearted and devilmay-care. One day he asked me if I loved him.

“No,” said I, “I don’t love you.”

“And why not?” he asked.

“The one you love is spirit incarnate, and because you love her I love her, since she has put in her hair a smiling (handan) rosebud.”

“Well,” he cried, “that inﬁdel has delicately alluded to the fact that I have fallen in love with Handan! Now, recite some verses appropriate to this occasion.”

(Dankoff thinks that Handan is a concubine but it is certainly strange that this concubine may have been present when the sultan was with his friends, as afterwards Murad IV told her to give the flower in her hair to Evliya so he would feel better.)

Murad IV was definitely strong-willed and stubborn too, especially with his mother. He felt the need to stop an alliance between the empire and Spain when he was still fourteen, and even terminated the marriage of his sister Fatma because Kösem favoured her son-in-law too much. He was very concerned with rules and propriety, and disliked extravagance-- though that may have been his tutor’s “fault”, as he was taught from a tender age that even Süleyman I’s extravagance had helped to bring the empire to that terrible state.

#ask post #ask: ottoman history #murad iv #abovtafangirl

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cracktheglasses · 6 years

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Can you outline a timeline for your kylux soft Canibalism fic? I love the whole tone of the fic (and especially the bits of changeling lore) but I have lots of problems processing non-sequential writing and this fic is very confusing from a time passing standpoint 😔

Absolutely! I’m so happy you enjoyed Changeling, but yeah, as something meant to read in this disjointed manner, with lots of unreliable narration meant to evoke an addled, slowed, sometimes drugged perception, it definitely can be hard to parse. It’s a fic that’s very important to me, as it draws heavily on a lot of personal fears and emotions, and I will gladly talk about it!

Warning for a brief mention of a suicide attempt that’s alluded to in the fic, and references to cannibalism, and consensual extreme body modification.

Note: when I reference the fic parts below, I mean the large chunks separated by en dashes.

The earliest thing that happens, the farthest flashback, is the very beginning of the fic, opening with the phrase, “Benjamin Organa-Solo,” Hux says, flipping through the intake forms. “Do you prefer Ben?” Kylo (Ben) comes to Dr. Hux’s office for the first time, as a patient, following a suicide attempt, which Hux refers to as “the accident”. Kylo creepy-flirts, shares some fatalistic worldviews, and blatantly comes on to Hux, something which Hux, in fact, is very receptive to, but he intentionally rebuffs Kylo. This first part ends with Hux mentally remarking on Kylo’s fear of all the things he claims to welcome (change, loss of bodily integrity/personhood, intimacy, death): “Were you afraid? During the accident,” Hux clarifies, already having resolved to call it nothing but. Kylo’s jaw twitches again.“No,” he says quietly, looking once more at the ground, shoulders slumping back down. It’s such an obvious lie, Hux doesn’t feel like there’s a point to calling him on it.

Chronologically, we move to the third part of the fic, the chunk beginning with Kylo talking about his mother, and her bits of changeling lore: “My mother, she’d tell me these fairy stories when I was a kid.” Hux pushes Kylo to share more, checks out his scars, moves closer, and gets them more or less on the same page, ending with Kylo talking about struggling with the idea of his own humanity, and being metaphorically consumed: “Doesn’t it make sense, Dr. Hux? The changelings, needy, little half-formed things, left there in the crib. They’d need something to sustain them, to make them whole. How else could they forget they’re not human? They would be, at least a little, after. Wouldn’t they?”

The next chronological segment is the fifth chunk, beginning with Hux coming back from meeting with a detective regarding Kylo’s disappearance after someone, presumably a family member, has reported him missing. “They really reported me missing?” “Did you think they wouldn’t? It’s been almost two months. They found your phone.” Hux and Kylo have been together for at least two months, after a (possibly) staged altercation in Hux’s office. Though Hux is a bit cagey about who is looking for Kylo, they are, nevertheless, comfortably intimate. And Hux, at least, is certain about what the outcome of their relationship is going to be: “Mine,” he says, too tender, too soft, but he doesn’t care. “My Kylo.” “Yours. All yours. All for you,” Kylo echoes, and begins to undo his belt. Fuck; Hux really is going to miss him.

An unspecified amount of time passes after this, moving us to the seventh part of the fic, where Hux is preparing to operate on Kylo: “Wait. Wait, please, Hux, wait!” Hux pauses, IV bag in his hands. Hux reassures and calms Kylo, trying to get him to balance out his eagerness for what’s going to happen and his fear of what’s going to happen. They discuss the surgery and the consequences thereof, until, finally, Kylo assents: Kylo’s eyes are thoughtful, human, considering. He opens his mouth, top lip catching over a slightly crooked tooth. “All right. OK,” he relents, and takes a deep breath. “You can hook up the IV. I’m ready.”

The part fitting chronologically after this is part two, beginning with Hux waking up in the kitchen, in restraints: The ceiling above him is white. Hux blinks, once, twice, slowly surfacing from sleep. It’s not specified how much time has passed since the surgery Hux has performed on Kylo, but Hux references having gone to bed with Kylo not only the night before, but regularly: Their bedroom ceiling is painted a deep royal blue; Kylo likes it, says it makes him feel like they’re sleeping outside. Hux struggles in the restraints, understanding that Kylo has done something to him, and Kylo confirms this. This is where we first see the outcome of Kylo’s surgery – his missing arm – and Hux reminisces about what he did with it. Kylo now reveals what he’s done to Hux, and gets him to drink something that puts him back out: Hux closes his eyes and lets himself be kissed, Kylo’s hypnotic warmth leeching slowly, languidly into him, the slick glide of Kylo’s tongue sending him somewhere even farther away, into a thick, deep darkness.

The chronological skip after this one would be to part four, where Hux wakes up in the bedroom, either later the same day or the day after: When he wakes again, he is burning. Dull heat pulses its way up his leg, twinges of pain like the flickers of embers. Hux opens his eyes. He can hear Kylo in the kitchen, preparing food, and decides that This is something Kylo needs to do himself; he’s made that quite clear.

After this, Hux dozes again and wakes up in part six, when Kylo joins him in bed: He drowses for a while, then takes the rest of the pills, finishes the water and nods off again. He thinks he dreams, but he isn’t certain, the images smudging on the insides of his eyelids, dissolving into red and black. Sometime later, he feels the mattress dip, and a warm, solid presence settles against his side, a pushy ankle tangling with his, the good leg, he realizes, and jolts suddenly into consciousness. They have sex, and Kylo explains why he’s done what he’s just done to Hux. He is attempting to conquer his fear the only way he understands how, which is something that Hux appears to accept and respect: Hux brings the meat to Kylo’s mouth. Deposits it on Kylo’s expectant pink tongue.

The eighth chunk picks up where this one has left off: The meat lasts three days. Hux has looked at his leg already, that first night, while Kylo slept, wrapped in the quilt on the bed under the royal blue ceiling. The stitching is a bit clumsy, there’s no way around that, but he is surprisingly satisfied with the results of Kylo’s work. It must have taken him hours. Kylo pampers and takes care of Hux, and Hux allows and encourages this. After Kylo performs oral sex on him, Hux reminds him of the nature of their relationship, and insists on moving further. Kylo, ostensibly having dealt with his fear, agrees.

The final piece is the final part of the fic, beginning with Hux setting the table for dinner: The prosthesis clicks against the kitchen tile as he picks up the bottle of the rioja, the corkscrew. Retrieves the fragile, thin glasses from the hanging rack on the wall. He is very careful and tender with Kylo, having dressed him and brought him down to the dining room, and hand-feeds him, as Kylo is no longer able to do this himself. Afterwards, he takes Kylo back to the bedroom, and they talk about the idea of the changeling once again. As in the beginning, it may be possible that Kylo is lying about his level of comfort and fear. Hux turns out the light, and gently holds him.

Hope this helps! Let me know if there is anything else you want to know about it; I am very, very familiar with these versions of Kylo and Hux, and like I said, this fic is very much me dealing with some difficult emotional stuff, so I might have been a lot more liberal with the veiled metaphor, et cetera, than usual.

#asks #anonymous #my fic #changeling #kylux #shit what i wrote #cor's stuff #Anonymous

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theskyexists · 4 years

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Lmaooo, I totally thought you’d at least progressed to the war arc or been spoiled for it considering all the fanart I’ve seen on ur blog. Are you doing Black Eagles as your 1st run? I thought you didn’t like Edelgard. Anyway, Lysithea is considered to be a must recruit, especially bc she has a great support chain w/ Edelgard. Fandom considers her an honorary Beagle tbh. Felix should come since you got his friends Sylvain and Ingrid. Honestly, you can try to recruit them all. Some people can’t bear to kill so they save all the students they can. Other people don’t recruit at all to maximize the angst of possibly killing them during the war arc. Then there’s recruiting some students and leaving others which also ups the angst factor during the war.

OH I LOVE EDELGARD. im hesitatin on who to romance.....dorothea or edelgard.... probably gonna be edelgard bc she’s alluded to having a very dark backstory and she’s a........’kind of’ .... enlightened ruler to be. is it just me or are all the boys that you can romance in the story SHIT - ive seen pics in which they get attractive after the time skip (even lindhardt???) but like ----- zero appeal at this moment - not claude tho - but he’s....lost to me : ‘(

i’ve actually got felix already too! forgot to mention him bc i didn’t actually put any effort into seducing him to my side bc i was so focused on leonie and ingrid - though he was definitely next in line! and then the option was suddenly just there so i was like OH! im just like - how am i gonna recruit all of these kids??? id have to spend so much damn time on Byleth’s skills and AAAA how much time have i got left???

The big problem I have with all my lovely new teammates is that I ...can’t put them in the field along with the others?? like - the’re no space. and i can have at most two lieuthenants i think. so How am i going to get them supportin’ with the rest. i feel so attached to the original black eagles i feel very conflicted about putting them in reserve.

is it also possible to just NOT kill people during the war? like.... just fight but not kill? bc that would make me feel better.

and YEAH BLACK EAGLES FIRST RUN BABEYYY

I might have gone for Claude but like - his team just seemed ...kinda bland. I liked Dimitri’s team but Dimitri is.......................................not my kinda guy.

ive been spoiled for the fact there’s gonna be a war - think edelgard already talked some crest discourse so i figured it was gonna be ideological - i already suspected a connection between rhea and sothis - but been spoiled for the exact relationship but not the story around it (I JUST WAS SO CURIOUS ABOUT THE S-SUPPORT BC I KNEW I WOULD NEVER DO IT), i’ve been spoiled that there’s a connection between edelgard’s dark backstory and soemthng about dimitri. I’ve been spoiled by a friend i borrowed the game from that we were gonna overthrow the church or something. I know that it’s essential that i follow edelgard if she invites me to some place. That’s what I know. I dont have a switch myself so i’ve just been in purgatory for months thinking about getting one.......................................

#i shouldnt #i thought bc i have to do things with real life #but then again #i shouldn't save up good things for a nebulous future eh #fe #my stuff #personal #interaction #reply #anonymous

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james-tiernan · 4 years

Text

PLAINES PLOUGH. What were each of the monologues about?

CHRIS THORPE

A Monologue about someone who seems to be of a lower working class background. About the night where his friends put his balls in his mouth, to which he claimed it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t a conscious choice. HE didn’t put the balls in his mouth.His mates did whilst he was laying consciously unconscious. He talks about the night in detail, taking us through every room he visited, what he saw, smelt, felt etc. Its apparent from here that he was highly intoxicated on presumably mostly drugs in the way he described each and every thing but with some obvious confusion. He recalls feeling anger but not knowing if he attributed that emotion after he remembered the event. He remembers smiling but then in contrast to his apparent happiness he puts a 9 iron through his friends skull. An underlying anger control issue shines through when he talks about a teacher telling him he has “so much power but so little control” . A common phrase spoken to many children throughout their education as Ive seen and heard first hand. Usually spoken to boys who suffer at being at what some would call the bottom of the working class. Sometimes their frustration at life is classed as disorders, labelled. Sometimes correctly, sometimes this helps. But the frustration of being stuck with very little ways out always remains. Stuck with little opportunity, heading for a life of living for weekends, living for drugs, alcohol and the boys.

CHLOE MÖSS

Someone who struggles with anxiety, she has a mantra she says to herself that makes her comfortable that everything will be okay. She talks about the time she skipped school whilst telling everyone she was in fact going to the dentist. She visits the beach and she remembers and panics over the quicksand she has heard about in one of her science classes. She spends her time sitting at the beach when she is joined by a woman and her dog, she panics that she may be a serial killer and then is reminded of her grandma. Everything seems to cause her anxiety. They talk about the woman’s late son and how she blames Margret Thatcher on how he passed. They seem to find comfort in each other, maybe they don’t realise this too much to begin. The dogs ball ends up in the sand and Chloe goes to get the dogs ball, she gets scared as the sand becomes wet and like quicksand. She panics and rushes back to the woman and her dog. She suddenly realises she hasn’t been saying her mantra but she is ok with it. She finds comfort in the fact that world carried on as normal even though she didn't say her mantra. She ok with this, and gives her condolences to the woman about her son. Her focus has shifted away from herself as she sympathises with the woman.

ZIA AHMED

Zia talks about how he has tried to fit in but he cant. HE feels like he cant because of his race. He is pulled down by racism in its simplest form. Straight abuse shouted on the street. He is profiled as a ‘terrorist’ he says he feels he has to apologise for honour killings, child grooming. Things that many far right groups say and preach (wrongly) that ALL muslims commit. He is reminded of this racism in media like film, he talks of Indiana Jones and Bond Movies that show the villain as the non-white man whilst Indiana and Bond, the white men, save the day from the savage villain. He talks about his childhood, a memory of his friend getting stuck in a fence, a memory and child of any race could hold, this doesn't make him different. Sure it makes him individual, its his memory, but its a memory any one of us could have had, no matter our race, religion, or social background. He talks about past love experiences and how he thinks that the person he spent two years with left him as he wasn't white. ‘It wasn't right’ he says. Remembering their conversations. He says that he is from London not England. To him, London is its own country with a unique identity. Which it is, London is a mixing pot of culture, race, and religion. As a world capital it always has been and always will be.

ALAN HARRIS

Alan talks of the first time he was arrested. He was drunk and stole a bicycle whilst on a night out in Caerphilly. Fuelled by drugs and alcohol he was lost, skint and didn't know how to get home. He had the idea that walking was jus too much so he stole a bike from a garden. He is picked up and put into a cell for it. Here he talks about how he turned into a duck. When comparing his story of the duck to his own, the ducks life sounds so simple and so easy. This person wants to fly away. Just like the duck does. He talks early of how in his his home town he was the first ti have a perm, he fitted in, he felt comfortable. As soon as he is in an unknown area, not more than 10 miles away, he is like a fish out of water, He wishes he could adapt as easily as the duck could, picking its patch of water and making it his own, he wishes he could fly out of the valleys and settle wherever he wants. But he cant. Like Chris Thorpe’s monologue, the character is destined to stay in the cycle. Struggling to break out, however this character acts as though he is content with that, but maybe deep down, he is not. He is a bird with wings clipped by the system.

HANNAH SILVA

This monologue is about a man who has lost his memory. The start of the monologue there are lots of words, phrases that don’t seem to make sense. The parrot in the library, soldiers running past, she was a poet, he was a musician. These phrases all begin to come together towards the end in what appears to be a journal or diary of a man who has lost his mind. A blood clot is alluded too but there Is never a definite sign of the cause. The man’s daughter is speaking to start, trying to make sense of his jumbled mind. We as listeners are as confused as the man himself, various words and phrases repeated over and over that for some reason we are expected to understand. But we can’t. Very much like the man. We feel frustrated and want to know, and it does take a while before things start to unravel. The monologue is spoken by the daughter, but we listen through the ears of the father. Not quite understanding but slowly piecing things together to make sense,

MOMENTS/IMAGES.

The first image that really struck me was in Chloe Möss’ monologue, when she talks about the quicksand being like icing. Being from a seaside community this simile/image struck a personal chord. Its a perfect and simple way for a reader is is not familiar with the image of quicksand to be able to imagine it. The contrast between the simile and what its describing also struck me. icing on a cake is a light, happy thought. Whilst quicksand is usually seen as dangerous and definitely negative. This contrast perfectly encapsulates Chloe’s characters fragile and confused mind state towards the world she lives in.

Another moment that struck me was in Zia Ahmed’s monologue where he says

“Where Im from, Bond looks like the bond villains but the villains look like bond”.

This small and simple sentence highlights the Hollywood industries hidden racist undertones that played throughout the 20th century and into the 21st too. The white man is always the hero, saving the day from the deranged, often ethnic villain. Zia also mentions Indiana Jones and the temple of doom when talking about the topic. In Middle eastern and Asian countries, the west is often seen as the villain. This has been established through constant wars on terror and various other factors. We as Britons, and myself as a white male, forget how my nation has been a burden on many countries. The films I grew up loving hide undertones of racism. Towards many races. The Siamese Cats in The Lady and The Tramp, Disneys anti-semitism, even the recent Star Wars franchise.

Another image that struck me was the duck imagery in Alan Harris’ monologue. Alan describes actually seeing a duck and being able to touch it, whether this is true or not isn't said however, he is probably experiencing a psychedelic experience. He seems to be projecting his deeper emotions and thoughts onto that of a duck. He wants to be able to fly away from his valley and fit in wherever he chooses. He wants to meet other women outside his small town. However like I stated previously, his metaphorical wings are clipped by his social and economic surroundings. He’s a caged bird right now, literally.

HOW WERE THE NATIONAL THEATRE SCOTLAND USING THE FRAME TO TELL A STORY?

Both monologues talked about being trapped. One talking of how he tried to escape the Shipyard and the asbestos but he still has that cough he demonstrates. He talks about how they fought to stay also. Even when it was killing them, they fought for their jobs. They were proud of hat they did and no one could tell them otherwise. The second monologue however, was a lot more sombre and current. Talking about the COVID pandemic and how she felt trapped in a box, unable to get out. She talks of losing herself and not being the same person. The camera in Monologue one, does not move at all. it stays on his face at all times. This represents how although he tried to move away from his job, it stayed with him. With the second monologue, the camera moves around a lot, through one single room. This echoes the actresses feelings on how she wants to escape, but cant. She knows this too.

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lovelesswiki · 7 years

Text

Post-Moonless predictions— Well-Kept Secrets (6/10)

previous part<–[here] –> next part

for the last week or so, i’ve been talking about a large theory i’ve been writing. since finishing it, i’ve decided to publish it in parts, since it’s actually about 10 different theories all on one subject. since it’s all written out, i’ll try to be publishing one part of this per day.

essentially, this is a set of theories about what i believe will have to happen in order to properly lead up to a climax–the one we’ve been building up to for years and years now. so, these are what i theorize will happen after the first moonless vs beloved battle, broken up into ten different parts. each theory is explained and theres images for each one.

table of contents (bolded is the post you’re looking at):

moonless and beloved will rematch (1)

soubi will fall into a deep depression and possibly become suicidal (2)

ritsuka will arrive at seven voices, SM’s activity will be revealed (3)

SM will reveal that there was a mole in their organization (4)

kio will be the one to take ritsuka to goura (5)

ritsuka will find things out about soubi and the aoyagi family (6)

SM’s true purpose will be revealed. ritsuka will have to make a decision about good vs evil (7)

seventh SM member will be revealed (8)

nagisa will find out what really happened to sanae (9)

ritsuka will be asked to join SM to fill the aoyagi seat (10)

Theory: soubi keeps secrets well for many reasons, but now that he’s gone, they’re going to have to come to light, and ritsuka will find out more about him and his own family, forcing him to realize just how strong and terrible seimei’s hold over soubi is.

Note: this theory heavily discusses the topic of rape in terms of soubi being both the victim and the perpetrator and in terms of nisei’s rape of mikado. proceeding with caution is advised.

we’ve already been a little bit introduced to this. or, should i say, ritsuka has been a little bit more introduced to this.

soubi keeps secrets from ritsuka. soubi keeps secrets that he has not explicitly been told to keep. ill write up another post someday about this, but i suspect that soubi keeps secrets about his past from ritsuka because seimei already knew all those secrets and used them against him, and he thinks that not telling them to ritsuka will prevent them from hurting, so he can just ignore his past and pretend like it never happened. this actually isnt uncommon in people who have been through constant abuse, and it makes sense why soubi hasn’t told ritsuka (or anyone) anything yet.

not even kio or natsuo and youji seem to know about soubi’s complete past, involving mainly ritsu’s treatment of him, but also involving what soubi did under seimei’s rule. it is pretty clear from the angry, verbally violent way that he responds to tokino with that he did some pretty terrible things under seimei’s rule. when tokino implies that like nisei, it was soubi’s job to rape and murder enemies, soubi loses his shit but never really denies it. aside from this, we have hard evidence of soubi murdering other teams for seimei, including this being explicitly stated in a drama CD where someone that soubi took pity on comes back to haunt him, and the fact that one of the crimes seimei’s being prosecuted for includes murder, and seimei doesn’t do the dirty work to say the least. there’s also the fact that in the beginning, he kept asking ritsuka if he wanted soubi to murder their opponents, which strongly implies that he’d been put in a situation previously, where that question was necessary and appropriate, and where the answer was ‘yes’. this is a secret long-kept, and i do believe it’s key in understanding soubi, which is something ritsuka (and by extension kio) desperately need, and it’ll play into ritsuka’s later development of understanding that not everything falls into ‘good’ and ‘evil’.

(pictured: soubi starts an yelling argument with tokino over one comment, resulting in youji telling him to calm the fuck down.)

soubi has let a couple things go to ritsuka. he confirmed that ritsu raised him and was very cruel to him, but he didnt expand much on either point. with the few stories that soubi did tell ritsuka, ritsuka seemed a bit distressed and commented that the things ritsu did were horrible. in addition to this, ritsuka learning about seimei and nisei raping mikado seemed to be a huge turning point for him in the way he viewed seimei, and i suspect that there will be something similar when ritsuka learns that soubi was raped at a young age by the man raising him. and i suspect he’ll become very confused and disorientated when he realizes that seimei had soubi do many of the same things that nisei did. while i think their situations are different to where soubi had no capacity to enjoy it or even want to do it, whereas with nisei and in the case of mikado, nisei seems to have gone above and beyond whatever seimei ordered him to do and going along with his personality, enjoyed it, especially given his comments of liking it when listening to ritsuka cry through his wiretaps.

(it’s probably safe to say that he enjoyed what he did to mikado.)

ritsuka is a particular character, because he’s young, and young people tend to view the world in terms of ‘black’ and ‘white’. for a long, long time, ritsuka viewed his brother as ‘good’ and in the series, mostly towards the beginning, he struggled with whether or not soubi was a ‘bad guy’. however, hes quickly discovering that the world isn’t so clear-cut, which we’ll get to in a hot minute (or more, in the next part of this series).

by some way or another, probably by just directly asking ritsu or nagisa and by spending an extended amount of time at seven voices, ritsuka will find out about soubi’s childhood. he will also go deeper into what the flashback chapters introduced and we’ll find out what further transpired with ritsu, nagisa, akio, and the rest of the kids in that particular year. i say this because, at this point, it’s detrimental to the story. we’ve gotten to a point where we sort of need to know why these older characters act the way they do and why there’s so much bad blood between them. this will also help ritsuka understand SM more, too, but ill get to that in the next point. there’s also the fact that, you know, theres two potential people that could be ritsuka’s father, the fact that soubi’s mother and ritsuka’s mother were friends, and the fact that a kid suspiciously drown in knee-deep water. so, a lot of unsolved mysteries we haven’t gotten to yet.

so, we have ritsuka and kio finding out about the horrors of soubi’s past, and i think this will heavily impact the way ritsuka sees ritsu and septimal moon. right now, ritsuka seems to sort of respect ritsu, but i doubt he will after he finds out about everything, especially the fact that ritsu raped soubi when he was incredibly young and abused him in every way before and after that. this will cause ritsuka’s opinion of ritsu to drop incredibly low, which will affect what happens in the next part of this series.

ritsuka may also find out about the things soubi did for seimei and will find out that many of the crimes that seimei is held accountable for were actually done with soubi’s hands. i don’t believe in any way, shape, or form that soubi can be held accountable for this in this world, nor do i personally believe he should be held accountable, but i’m unsure if ritsuka will immediately see it this way. ritsuka will be forced to make a choice about good vs evil regarding soubi, and will be forced to come to the realization of just how strong seimei’s hold over soubi and nisei is and what the extent of his power is.

in addition, we’ll find out more about ritsuka’s family, too. i should say that im a firm believer that yun has been building up to something having to do with ritsuka’s father, who he is, and why he’s never present, and ive thought this ever since we got the indirect confirmation that seats are passed down throughout the family, meaning that it was most likely the elder aoyagi who held it beforehand. notice that i say elder aoyagi and not ritsuka’s father, because we don’t know if ritsuka’s father is seimei sr or aoyagi masaki, misaki’s biology professor in high school. this will play a huge amount into who ritsuka is and what he discovers about himself, and how it could even relate to seimei’s motives and his own memory loss.

the way i see it, ritsuka and seimei are masaki aoyagi’s kids. or, at the very least, seimei is his, but i personally believe ritsuka is, too. however, there’s a very real possibility that ritsuka thinks nowaki seimei--who will be referred to as seimei sr, mostly because i think it’s funny--is his father. i’m fairly certain that seimei sr is the one that ritsuka calls ‘dad’ and the person that we see for a couple panels in the early volumes of the manga, and im unsure if he knows that he was fathered by someone else. seimei jr alludes to knowing more about their family and why they’re named what they are named in an extra chapter about ritsuka’s birthday, but doesn’t say much about his family beyond that. regardless, there is something fucked up going on with the aoyagi family seniors, since misaki, ritsuka, and seimei jr all take the last name ‘aoyagi’. the kids look like aoyagi masaki, but the person ritsuka calls ‘dad’ is never home and is most definitely not aoyagi masaki. there’s also the fact that when seimei jr is being taken to the hospital for ritsuka’s birth in a flashback, we don’t actually see daddy. on top of this ‘dad’ is never home and ritsuka even states at one point while he’s tied up that he won’t come save him, and he doesn’t attend ritsuka’s school functions (in fact, soubi seems to be the person his school considers his parent, since he’s asked to come help out at an art museum and he offers to go to the dad event at school for ritsuka in early series loveless).

i’m of the belief that something is going on with the aoyagi parental lineage, since i don’t really see any evidence that ritsuka’s father is just absent a lot. there’s too much pointing to the fact that something suspicious is going on. and i think this is something seimei knows, but ritsuka does not. i also think that ritsuka will be finding out more about his memory loss, and i theorize that ritsuka at one point found out something he shouldn’t have, resulting in seimei ordering to have his memory taken, and that soubi is probably the one to have done this, given that soubi is able to alter memories, since he did so to hitomi in relation to natsuo and youji.

to put it simply, there’s a lot of very well-kept secrets that i think are about to come out, and it’s going to be detrimental when they do.

#loveless #aoyagi ritsuka #agatsuma soubi #minami ritsu #gomon mikado #akame nisei #sorry im posting this late #i dont feel like tagging the names the other way around lol #theory #post moonless battle series #my content

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swankypappidotnet · 5 years

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(WIP): SPINOZA AND THE ETHICS OF DEATH

What does it mean to die? Should anybody care about death, and if so how should they treat it? In this paper I aim to address Spinoza’s ethical and metaphysical theories and how they relate to the idea of death. My goal is to thoroughly extrapolate the ways in which Spinoza’s theories might lead us to think about death, and how death plays a role in his major work “Ethics.” Examining the role of death in “Ethics” seems perhaps a strange and irrelevant question. However, I believe that examining its role not only provides ethical insight itself, but that examining it in fact helps to illustrate Spinoza’s theories at large. I will begin by providing an exegesis of Spinoza’s relevant arguments which pertain to the topic, in addition to what little he directly states about death. Besides providing a thorough exegesis and brief formalization of his thoughts on death, I argue that Spinoza’s view of death actually is able to define a uniquely moral conception of death, thus however rendering it inefficient for practical use but useful in terms of its language and distinctions.

WHAT IS DEATH?

One of the most beautiful quotes in the entirety of “Ethics” occurs late into Part IV:

“A free man thinks of death least of all things; and his wisdom is a meditation not of death but of life.” (Proposition LXVII, Part IV.)

This quote sounds particularly stoic – but what does it really mean? To understand it, there are two different ways that Spinoza addresses or alludes to death in “Ethics” which we can refer to. Firstly his metaphysical theories regarding motion, and secondly his ethical theories regarding virtue and the affects. His ethical theories are of great interest in this paper, however it is impossible to discuss death in “Ethics” without first defining it. Thus, the first place to start is the first instance in which he truly addresses death. Spinoza first refers to death in his explanation of proposition XLVIII during Part III, however he does not substantially define it further than suggesting it is something to be avoided. Later however, in the note to proposition XXXIX of Part IV, Spinoza defines death as occurring in the body “when the proportion of motion and rest which obtained mutually among its several parts is changed.” This seems like a rather confusing definition of death – generally when thinking of death, we simply imagine it as a permanent interruption to our experiencing of being, coupled with the ceasing of our bodily functions. So why does Spinoza make mention of motion and rest?

Spinoza refers to motion and rest because, for him, the issue of death is effectively what constitutes a being, rather than a question of our experiencing of our being. This is due to the way that Spinoza establishes his physical theories in Part II, specifically how he accounts for the individuation of bodies within a monist conception of reality (his conception of God being something which unfortunately cannot be entirely recounted here for sake of brevity). Spinoza defines a “body” as “a mode which expresses in a certain determinate manner the essence of God, in so far as he is considered as an extended thing” (Definition I, Part I). A body then, exists as a mode of God, who constitutes reality, and all bodies exist with an essence. Concurrently then, in conceiving of all appearances to us as being of and within God, Spinoza has the difficult task of explaining variety in appearances. Since all appearances are attributes of one substance, Spinoza differentiates them through a series of axioms:

“AXIOM I. All bodies are either in motion or at rest.

AXIOM II. Every body is moved sometimes more slowly, sometimes more quickly.

LEMMA I. Bodies are distinguished from one another in respect of motion and rest, quickness and slowness, and not in respect of substance.” (Axions I-II, Lemma I, Part II)

All bodies distinguish themselves in relation to other things though the motion that they exhibit – all objects in our perceivable world then must definitively exhibit different amounts of motion and rest. However the body itself evidently differs in this way among its own parts too, it seems. Postulates I-V of Part II states that the human body is made up of a series of its own “individual parts” and is “extremely complex”; likewise these parts seem to be of a “diverse” nature and respond to external motion differently, be they soft, hard, or fluid (Postulate I, Part II.) If bodies are defined against each other by differences in motion, it holds that the parts of a human being form parts of a whole, which all exhibit their own amount of motion and rest, thus creating one predominant mode of God, a body of movement. The motion and rest of these parts combine to create a collective, defining nature of motion, which explains why bodies contain such variation. For example our bodies have complex brains, eyes, arms, and more, which are defined by the motion and rest they exhibit – if there was no variation in motion down to this level then we would not perceive anything but a single appearance.

Thus his definition of death seems more easily understood having this in mind. A body is defined by the particular and collective motion and rest of its parts all together. This means that for Spinoza, death is not concerned with how our experience of being is interrupted, like when we normally think of death, but instead that death occurs when the particularity of that body, the sum of motion and rest which is an expression of God, is changed to be unrecognizable. This seems a fairly cohesive argument, however it does lead to some incredibly strange conclusions. For example, Spinoza himself refers to a story of a Spanish man who recovers from a terrible sickness only to find that he has completely forgotten all of the past works he has written, and was so different that he could be mistaken for a “grown-up child”(Proposition XXXIX, Part IV). He even goes as far as to vaguely suggest that growing up is a form of death, considering how unrecognizable a person is as an adult compared to when they were a child.

Looking back to his two other mentions of death, this view might seem more obscured – if death is something he believes we naturally avoid, and is something undesired enough to warrant his quote about how a strong individual shouldn’t think of death, does this not imply that we consider death as a matter of experience rather than motion? After all, a child does not live in fear of growing to be forty years old. This is a warranted criticism, however I believe that Spinoza’s theory in fact provides answers to this. The issue of why a child does not fear growing up and henceforth experiencing “death” in the Spinozan sense is related to his conception of the mind (again, a very complex theory that unfortunately cannot be fully explained here). Propositions XI-XIII of Part II present his conception of the mind fairly well, proposition XIII being the most forward:

“The object of the idea constituting the human mind is the body, in other words a certain mode of extension which actually exists, and nothing else” (Proposition XII, Part II).

If a body is a particular sum of motion and rest successively, and the mind is an expression of the body, it obviously holds that the mind is an expression of that collection of motion and rest. Thus, as the proportion of motion and rest change and the body exhibits less and less motion, the mind represents this – therein as the body becomes less and less complex in its proportion of motion and rest the mind diminishes in its idea of the body. This can explain why Spinoza does make a distinction between a corpse and a child who grows up: a corpse is death at its most pronounced wherein the complexity of motion significantly diminished, whereas a child growing up experiences death in a minimal manner, keeping many of their memories as they age and their body’s motion and rest change to a much more minor extent. This seems to fit with Spinoza’s statement in proposition II of Part III that “if the body be inactive the mind is simultaneously unfitted for thinking” (Proposition II, Part 3). To conclude, I will also add that this does not seem to be in contradiction with Spinoza’s own theory of memory discussed in the notes to proposition XVIII of Part II, despite the fact that he does not provide a full explanation of why we forget things as we age.

PART 2: ETHICS AND DEATH

Having defined what death is for Spinoza, I turn now to his ethical theory. If we are to discuss the significance of death in Spinoza’s work, the first question that arises is the following: so what? We understand what “death” means for Spinoza, that it is the change in proportion of the shared motion and rest of the collective parts which make up a body. But what sort of ethical consequences would this view of death hold, as opposed to death understood in the common sense? I believe we can easily place death into his framework despite the absence of its mention in any substantial sense in Part IV, where he focuses on his ethical arguments. Since he does not discuss death in depth here we ought to outline his ethics first in order to properly contextualize this question.

Spinoza’s theory comprises an elaborate system of virtue ethics, based surprisingly consistently in his metaphysics. Part III looks primarily at defining emotions and “affects,” and how they manifest themselves in human beings – Spinoza’s virtue ethics argues for how to deal with them:

“Human infirmity in moderating and checking the emotions I name bondage: for, when a man is a prey to his emotions, he is not his own master, but lies at the mercy of fortune: so much so, that he is often compelled, while seeing that which is better for him, to follow that which is worse. Why this is so, and what is good or evil in the emotions, I propose to show in this part of my treatise” (Preface, Part IV).

Following this, Spinoza interestingly defines good as that which would be “certainly useful to us,” and defines evil as that which would be a “hindrance to us” (Preface, Part IV). The first proposition looks as though it does not offer much insight at first, and seemingly begs the question of how we could measure utility. However, looking back to Part III, Spinoza in fact makes relevant claims in his sixth and seventh propositions:

“VI. Everything, in so far as it is in itself, endeavours to persist in its own being.

VII. The endeavour, wherewith everything endeavours to persist in its own being, is nothing else but the actual essence of the thing in question” (Propositions VI-VII, Part III).

Thus, Spinoza’s theory looks to maximize our human autonomy so that we might be our “own master” over good and evil, that is to maximize that which is in our own best interest. Our essential interest is to persist in our own being. What is good, then, is what aids the persistence and “flourishing” of our being. It is very important to note that Spinoza specifically uses the word “certainly” in reference to our knowledge of a things utility – that which is good cannot simply be anything we think may be good for us. Only those things which we are truly certain of aiding our being to flourish should be pursued - thus only things which we understand to be in accordance with our nature can be pursued. This holds true in reference to the seventh definition of Part I on freedom, as well as the views that Spinoza proposes in regards to emotions and the way we experience them.

What is ethical and virtuous is whatever helps a human being to flourish, and as Spinoza himself later points out, we ought to aid each other in flourishing as well – for a rational, healthy society will encourage our own flourishing in return (Proposition XXXVII, Part IV). But how could death play into this conception of ethics then, as Spinoza understands it? There are a multitude of ways that this idea could be approached. Death of course, is an affront to an individual’s freedom insofar as it takes away their ability to enforce their own autonomy and act upon the word. In this sense it’s clear that death is inherently an immoral thing, despite the possibility of it being a natural thing. Thus, enacting death on another is obviously an affront to virtue and must be avoided at all costs.

What about situations where the individual wills their own death? For example, if a person wishes to commit suicide, or perhaps a person who’s life is painful and desires euthanasia? Spinoza does in fact provide an answer to these questions:

“…suicides are weak—minded, and are overcome by external causes repugnant to their nature. Further, it follows from Postulate iv., Part II., that we can never arrive at doing without all external things for the preservation of our being or living, so as to have no relations with things which are outside ourselves” (Proposition XVIII, Part IV).

Spinoza considers suicide morally wrong, on the bases that it is a succumbing to the affects, and likewise any question regarding death in the traditional sense seems to be in contention with the postulate he cites, which says that “the human body stands in need for its preservation of a number of other bodies, by which it is continually, so to speak, regenerated. (Postulate IV, Part II). As well if we come back to the original quote on the free man and his avoidance of thinking about death, we can finally understand then what he means, as the idea of death would be considered succumbing to an affect a collapsing of one’s will. So the question of whether death can be ethical or not seems rather settled does it not? Not necessarily.

If we look at Spinoza’s theory of death, there seems to be one major ethical contradiction I can think of. Spinoza believes that rationality will lead us to more adequate ideas to help us achieve virtue through a strong will. Conceivably, then, it should follow that a person gaining more rationality should, as Spinoza points out, aid in creating a more virtuous society which leads to human flourishing. Thus we ought to consider the following thought experiment which I propose: there is a machine which we can seat an individual, and this machine fills their head with many of the most rational and adequate ideas that are possible to hold as a finite mode of God. The gaining of this rationality, however, radically alters the amount of motion and rest in the individual’s body, rendering them unrecognizable in some sense to their previous self. The person who uses this machine does so entirely on their own merit. This unrecognizable change, I would argue, is a moral death.

The person does not necessarily end their “being”, unless it is argued that they are immoral for ending their old “being”, as in the way they were formerly constituted – however this is unacceptable considering that this would lead every action we take to be immoral (for example taking a growth hormone to grow faster is now considered immoral – despite the fact that this would be seen as amoral in practical terms.) Additionally it seems contrary to the relationship Spinoza describes between being and essence. Thus, I believe that the individual is now more rational, and therefore more virtuous, and more capable of promoting the good in their community and for themselves. In a way however, they have in fact committed a form of “suicide”, if we take the word to mean the instigation of “death” as Spinoza defines it. I hereby argue then, that Spinoza’s theory of death contains one fatal flaw – in that his broad definition of death allows for a situation in which death is a welcomed, in fact moral thing, despite the fact that he actively suggests its avoidance throughout his work. This proves to be problematic, as despite the complexity of his arguments surrounding death leading to issues of practicality, his ethical and metaphysical system leave a Spinozan theory of death as too broad to be readily applied.

In this paper I hope to have completed two tasks. Firstly, I hope to have sufficiently outlined metaphysical and ethical theories in Spinoza’s “Ethics” in regards to their relation to death. Secondly, I hope to have, if not provided a conclusive example in opposition to his theory of death as I interpret it, at the very least a pointing to a major complication in its applicability. Spinoza’s ethics, and his language surrounded death and morality are captivating – despite what I believe to be a point of contention in his metaphysics and ethics of death, I hope to investigate Spinozan theories of death further in the future.

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