Do y’all ever reread an old unpublished fanfic you wrote and then get invested on the storyline but get sad because you never wrote the next part of it, just me?

Every woman I have ever loved is still working out how to love herself. Has a closetful of ghosts and has been to a hundred funerals of the women she used to be. Wonders what wounds her mother carries that she will never know about. Hopes that the weight of the world doesn't eventually crush her, that she is strong enough to handle it all. Wishes a day will come when she can put it all down, give her aching shoulders a rest. Wants someone to truly see her and not make a feast of her kindness and dreams. Is forever hiding a secret hunger for what calls to her in the dark. Holds a universe inside her, but has been told to make herself smaller despite the paradox. Praise be that universes are not in the business of listening to anyone but themselves. Every woman I have loved has thought about it. The art of disappearing. To be here one day, and the next, like smoke, simply gone.

- Nikita Gill, Every Woman I Have Ever Loved

People are so lucky I don’t fully speak my mind.

Messy doodle of Nero lol Just some pose practice and also to do quick sketches rather than spend two hours on some piece (which yea good practice also but I wanna do quick fun sketches also ToT)

Downloaded some new brushes/patterns for CSP so I've been playing around with those~ and also playing with light/dark values (mostly so it's not just a empty sketch) so fun~

Reference under read more:

promised myself that I'd be an academic weapon but instead I am the definition of an academic victim

Life is too short to argue, just say ok and move on.

-@lipikkawrites

006: Love Letters !

introducing. . . , Love letters , a google doc character template inspired by the holiday: valentines day! The doc holds three landscape pages. It includes spots for the profile, persona, backstory and 4 spots for additional information.

( !!! ) make sure to credit me! in order to do that, keep my @ at the bottom of the first page!

HOW TO USE ! ◞ . . . most of the drawing are made up of drawings, to make it simple, use the replace image option. There is also one quote made up of a drawing, which the text can be easily replaced for pc users. ◞ . . . the doc would look good with any kind of pictures, though I will say the color theme shouldn't be changed as the png's wont be able to change colors. ◞ . . . If you have any questions, please ask! ◞ . . . I'm not sure of the models name, but here's where I got the photos. ◞ . . . download here

words that are different: oh, ooh, ough, oagh, agh, ogh.

A pair of birds of prey for days 15 and 16 of @hermitadaymay !!! Definitely not a day and a half (?) late

ALL AMERICAN 6.04 "Black Out"

I love when they do the Glowy Ninja Eye thing in Rise no I cannot explain

Have you ever felt like you are the quiet ghost everyone can see but chooses to look through. Like your body is there, just transparent, you speak but no one hears you, not really. The act of disappearing is not so hard truly. You can do it even in a room surrounded by people who love you. Just pretend you aren’t there, and everyone around you will pretend you have vanished too.

- Nikita Gill

I’ll be fine, I just gotta stress about it for a while.

I was looking at a few posts about autism (as one does) and it just suddenly clicked into place a fundamental thing about Yuri's character that I'd been grasping at, but hadn't really been able to adequately identify. I still have a much longer and more thorough analysis going through a whole lot of my thoughts on Yuri's character and her experience of autism that i'm working on (of which this will likely be a component), but I thought I'd share this separately just to emphasize.

Post I saw which made this click for me was making fun of the fact that most media depicting impaired empathy in autistic characters explicitly depicts them with this unflappable confidence of never having been rejected by people they love. The crux of this is that in actual reality, autistic people almost always have that experience at some point, for some behavior, for reasons they don't really understand. "There is an invisible line where people will get sick of you, and you have no warning of when you're about to cross it." So frequently, autistic people attempt to ride a razor thin edge, walking on constant eggshells to desperately attempt to avoid crossing that line.

Very often autistic people will attempt to avoid doing anything at all which could be considered weird, or off-putting, and will try their absolute hardest to do things in a way that is acceptable to other people, sometimes to the point of outright suppressing their emotions, because they are afraid that they'll say something just wrong enough that the people they care about will push them away, and they don't understand WHY it happened, but they know it's THEIR fault. Sometimes masking is fighting to appear aloof all the time because you can't regulate your emotions in a way that is acceptable to other people.

And holy fucking Jesus, that fits the exact mold of what I've been trying to talk about with the particular way Yuri's anxieties manifest.

It really feels to me like Yuri has this constant fear of breaking the "rules" of socializing, despite not really understanding what those rules even are. She's constantly afraid of saying something wrong, when she doesn't even know what wrong would be, she's just sure everyone ELSE will know it when they hear it. I think a huge part of her social anxiety comes from her own understanding of herself as a very weird person who doesn't really get a lot of how to socialize, and it seems to me like she's probably dealt with her fair share of social rejection and isolation based on those traits. She then felt she had to take responsibility for those traits, probably because it's the one thing she can change, and she is the one common denominator in all of these bad situations (This is something which is pretty common, actually! "Everyone else can socialize just fine, and I have so much difficulty with it! I must just be broken in some way. I have to try super hard to be normal to make friends!")

I think a big part of why it's so apparent in the Literature Club is because she really thinks she's found a place where she can make friends in spite of all of her issues, so when she starts...being herself, and receives even the smallest HINT of pushback, she overcorrects and tries to rein all of herself in to fix her "mistake", because she really wants to make friends here, and doesn't want them to reject her as well.

She's had this experience of others pushing her away for being weird so often that, coupled with her acknowledged trouble for reading situations, when anybody responds poorly to something and she recognizes it, she immediately overcorrects out of fear of being an annoying burden to everyone around her, and that "correction" consists of suppressing herself into being "normal" (or at least "less weird"), because she believes nobody could actually like her just for being who she is. There's something wrong with her fundamentally, and to make friends, for people to like her and want to be around her, she has to "fix" herself.

it's just, like...

it's really hard for me to interpret Yuri's character that doesn't involve her being somewhere on the spectrum, bros. she's written with such delicately constructed autistic coding, despite the appearance of just being a hackneyed weird girl visual novel trope. she deserves the world.......

wanting to talk about having a different Millennial Teen experience than the former "popular kids" who make all the nostalgia tiktoks, but not wanting to sound NLOG-y about it because you're 30 and you realize that Different doesn't mean Better

Nobody is your friend until they defend your name in your absence.

-@lipikkawrites