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skinks · 4 years

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had the unfortunate experience recently of my friend having sex in the same room as me while she thought i was asleep after a night out and i cant stop imagining reddie doing that or late twenties living in an apartment with other losers and having really loud sex when they thought no one else was home while bev just whisper scream/laughs the entire time and when they finally finish and come out bill just shouts “RICHIE TOZIER FUUUUCKS” extra points if this is how they find out theyre together

oh my GOD well first off big giant rip to you that you had to hear your friend fuccin

but holy shit what if reddie room with some of the others, and everyone always hangs out at their apartment. They have separate bedrooms of course, but they’re always sneaking into each other’s rooms in the middle of the night and then back out again before Mike or Bev wake up. Like a) they want to keep this thing as just Theirs while it’s still so raw and big and b) they’re worried about messing up the Loser dynamic. Not that it would, not seriously or for long, they’re just idiots

The rest of the gang come home and eat takeout and drink until they’re all near-comatose on the floor — nobody even thought to turn on the main light after the movie’s brightness faded into VHS static and eventually a blank screen, so they’re all lying whispering in the sleepy darkness when the apartment door bangs open and Richie and Eddie come stumbling through it. They all know Eddie picks Richie up from his bartending shifts across town, that’s why they’d headed to their place first after the power went out at Stan’s, they knew the TV would be free of PlayStation tournaments and the couch would be free of pushy limbs and Cheeto dust. But they didn’t know about this. The flypaper yellow light from the hallway flickers over Richie and Eddie’s unmistakable shapes and they are making out, they are making out hard.

Like, late night Skinemax makeouts.

Like, Eddie bending Richie backwards to get at his mouth and his hips simultaneously, Richie whining and pulling Eddie’s hair type makeouts.

The others lie there, not knowing what to do because like, hadn’t Richie been teasing Eddie just last week about the hot chick who came into the Blockbuster where Eddie works who’d given him that hickey? And Eddie had insisted it was just a rash? They’re all too stunned to say anything to alert the doofuses to their presence, and they’re talking anyway. Well, gasping between wet, gross-sounding kisses. They can hear Eddie’s voice low and affronted, like he doesn’t wanna wake anyone up but he still needs Richie to know how aggrieved he is.

“Do you have—any idea what your fuckin’ shoulders look like in that shirt when you play pool?”

Something clatters, they knock something over. “No,” Richie mumbles, and he sounds like he’s drunk, but he never drinks when he has shifts at the bar. Someone kicks the door shut. “Why don’t you tell me?”

“You look—Christ, Rich, you make me so fucking hard c’mon—you look like someone who got dressed in the fucking dark.”

Laughter from both of them. Happy and hot, and the other five stare at each other from their dark hidey-floor positions. “S’not what you said after Bev’s birthday,” Richie croons. “Remember?”

“Shut up, someone’s gonna hear—”

“Had to fucking gag you with this shirt.”

Bev’s shoulders shake, and she mouths my birthday??? to Ben from behind her muffling hand. Her birthday was months ago. The boys are writhing closer to Richie’s room like something dark and tangled and many-limbed at the back of an aquarium, and Eddie’s teakettle laughter bubbles through his hisses. “I’ll give you something to gag on.”

“Promise?”

A bang, the kind of bang a wall makes when a back collides with it. Richie moans, then, and Bill is wild-eyed as he goes to stand for the lightswitch, but the others all dogpile him before he gets any further.

“You betcha, hotshot. Gonna gag you so good you won’t be able to talk for a week.”

“Nah, you’d m-miss it,” Richie pants.

The bedroom door clicks shut, and they can’t hear Eddie’s murmured response but the tone, the tone is what has them all shushing each other, like people witnessing a natural wonder. Eddie doesn’t hook up or date, they all know his mother’s insidious hooks still hold Eddie back from acknowledging he’s a sexual being at all, regardless of the fact they’re all twenty-three years old. Through that thin piece of wood though, Eddie sounds downright flirtatious. Soft and sly and gritty-salted-sweet, like when you let a mouthful of cotton candy dissolve into a tough little sugarlump on your tongue, the kind that can still break teeth. The Losers gawk at each other and come to the same exact realization at the same exact time; this is serious. Richie only laughs like that when he feels like he’s got nothing to prove, no one to impress. There’s a thump. Then the creaking twang of Richie’s shitty bed frame, and the distinct, loopy peal of Richie’s happy voice, loud even through the door.

“Jesus shit, you look—Eds, you look like someone who’s gonna get fucked in the dark.” Then another thump, more laughter.

They get right down to it. Mike and Bev nudge each other and clamp down on their giggles so hard the effort makes them weep, they’ve been sharing an apartment with these horny dumbasses for two years and haven’t been any the wiser. How, they don’t know, when the noises are so loud and evocative as to make anyone blush, all arrhythmic creaking and punched out ah-ah-hah-ahs and swearing and wet suction and filthy breathless conversation and at one point, someone blowing a definite raspberry. Ben sits with a small smile on his face and his hands over his ears, more out of respectful politeness than anything like distaste, and Stan starts gathering up the bowls of popcorn and chips like nothing’s out of the ordinary. The racket pitches in intensity. Bill lies on the floor, checking his watch with increasing disbelief. They’re all too drunk to go home, they’re stuck.

Eventually the sex crests, and crests, and crests like a giant wave that turns white and frothing and powerful well before it finally slams ashore and lessens. They hear the muffled wandering whimpers of someone who sounds a lot like Eddie feeling something too good for almost too long, like the time they took him to a monster milkshake place for his first birthday since discovering he wasn’t lactose intolerant, where he guzzled til he was pink and groaning. And then it finally gets quiet. There’s some more gentle murmuring, and hearing that feels more invasive than knowing what Richie sounds like when he comes.

A few more minutes pass, and the others gather themselves up to lie in wait on the couch and the two threadbare armchairs Richie and Eddie always fight over, even though they’re exactly the same. Bev managed to dig out some leftover party-poppers and confetti from the Congrats On The NPR Guest Spot party they threw for Mike last month (they like parties, ok) and Stan very studiously hits play on the shitty little boom box when the bedroom door swings open. It’s The Bad Touch, by the Bloodhound Gang. Nothing but mammals, bay-bee.

Richie hobbles out in nothing but briefs and bruises, bow-kneed with his mouth kiss-swollen. “No, I’m pretty sure we still have some chicken pasanda in the fridge from Saturday, man,” he says over his shoulder, “I’m just gonna—oh shit.”

His limbs startle everywhere like a frightened giraffe at the cheering toots of party horns, and at Bill’s best-straight-bro cameraderie holler of “Richie Tozier fucks! You bet your fur he does, holy shit!”

“Uh,” Richie laughs, and rakes a hand through his hair, which already looks like he’s been dragged through a hedge backwards. “Uh, hey guys?”

Then Eddie appears from behind him, sheened in sweat and drowning in Richie’s hideous boxing-kangaroo patterned shirt. He hooks his arm up around Richie’s shoulders, and obviously orgasms do wonders for disintegrating that pesky build-up of inhibition, because he beams drunkenly at them all and says, “Actually, Eddie Kaspbrak fucks.”

#reddie #someone: voyeurism—#me: [red laserbeam eyes] did someone say voyeurism #ficlet

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ts-unpopular-opinions · 4 years

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Side Tracks opinions part 1: Janus

(Yes I’m staring with Janus and going backwards, I just need to talk about this snake man right now!)

Alright, I’ve seen lots of people give their takes on each of the sides playlists, and honestly... I feel like they’re not all that similar to my interpretations. I mean yes anyone can interpret the songs how they’d like, but some people just flat out ignore canon to see the songs as their ship instead of what I believe they are actually meant to be seen as. Anyways... Janus! Yes let’s go through each song one by one 💛

1) Black Hole Sun: I’ll admit this one was hard for me. The song is obviously so Janus, with plenty of references to snakes and lying, but I can’t seem to put a finger on the exact meaning. If I had to guess, it’s showing Janus’ fist instance of fearing society. He’s realized that the world is not a safe place for Thomas and no one can be trusted (“Times are gone for honest men” “no one sings like you anymore”). He longs for the ignorance of childhood when society didn’t seem to pose a threat and Thomas wasn’t aware of the dangers and lies it held, but he knows that someone has to protect him from it, and that is Janus (“my youth I pray to keep” “hang my head, drown my fear”).

2) Seemed the Better Way: To me, this is a song about Janus knowing his place as a dark side and knowing that the others will not listen to him (“I better hold my tongue” “better take my place”). He initially trusts the core sides to do what needs to be done and take care of Thomas adequately, but when he realizes that it isnt enough, he finds it hard to keep in hiding (“Seemed the better way” “now it’s much too late to turn the other cheek”).

3) Anywhere: A BIG middle finger to society (“It’s a beautiful world, if youve been lied to” “No no no, nothing in this world is beautiful”). Janus basically trusts no one in society, not even the people closest to Thomas because he believes that everyone will do whatever it takes to get what they want (“Every man standing on another man’s back”). He also believes that society has been a huge detriment to Thomas and, AGAIN, is very dangerous (“It’s the world’s excuse for being disfigured and lying to you”).

4) Talking at the same time: This song is about Virgil. The song begins with explaining that a hard time for one person can be a triumph for another in multiple different metaphors (“Umbrellas cost more in the rain” “hard times for some, for others its sweet” “someone makes money when theres blood in the street”). The next part of the song practically shoves it in your face that it’s about virgil leaving (“Well she told me she would leave me, I ignored all the signs” “I know you're leaving and there's no more next time”). Janus was clearly hurt by Virgil leaving and it seems like he was almost in denial about it happening. A line near the end of the song that I found particularly interesting was “Well we bailed out all the millionaires, They've got the fruit, We've got the rind”. This line to me shows that Janus and the other dark sides let Virgil go, possibly in an attempt to get all of the dark sides accepted. Virgil capitalized on this opportunity and of course, got accepted, however, he left the others behind. Despite wanting Virgil to get accepted by the light sides, Janus remains bitter that Virgil was the only one. Virgil got the fruit, and the rest of the dark sides got the rind.

5) All the Good Girls go to Hell: Janus believes that Thomas needs to listen to him if he is going to stay safe and healthy. He thinks that his assistance, above all other sides, expecially Patton, is crucial for survival in this messed up world. (“And once the water starts to rise, And heaven's out of sight, She'll want the devil on her team” “Look at you needing me”). You’ll find it a common theme in this playlist that Janus refers to himself as the devil or an evil entity of some sort... Just thought I’d point that out.

6) Denial: Well, its in the title folks! Thomas is (or was) in denial. Janus is aware of the moments when Thomas thinks about consulting him or using one of his functions, but almost as soon as he gets the idea, he drops it and acts like the thought never happened (“Don't just shut your eyes closed” “You know that I can hear you thinking, I've heard you all the way from here, But if I look you in the eye though, It's like your thoughts all disappear”). Thomas is struggling for answers to questions that only Janus can answer, but he refuses to listen to consult him and Janus desperately wants this to stop (“I know you're looking for direction, I know where you wanna go” “Please don't turn the light out, I don't think the conversation's over”).

7) Trust in Me: Obviously, the original song has much more sinister undertones, but when listening to the song from Janus’ perspective, I get a different vibe. Basically, Janus just wants Thomas to trust him and give him more reign over decision making. Not much for this one.

8) Razzle Dazzle: JANUS IS EXTRA! Is anyone shocked? Also a HUGE showman. But again, no one’s surprised. Janus believes that the only way to get the light sides to listen to him is to practically put on a show to cover up whatever his true intentions are (“How can they see with sequins in their eyes?” “Razzle dazzle 'em And theyll never catch wise!” “How can they hear the truth above the roar?”) I could keep listing lines but theyre literally all just different versions of the same sentiment.

9) When the Chips are Down: The title right off the bat shows that, again, Janus believes that Thomas needs to look to him when important decisions are on the line. There are also a lump sum of jabs at patton in this song, lines like “Aim for the heart, shoot to kill” and “Cast your eyes to heaven, You get a knife in the back”. Theres also a lot of lines, yet again, of Janus practically begging Thomas to trust him and no one else (“Ain't nobody but yourself to trust” “Help yourself, To hell with the rest, Even the one who loves you best”).

10) Mandy goes to Med School: Soooo this one... Honestly, I don’t really have a lot. The original meaning of the song is not very applicable to Janus, so its a bit hard to pinpoint its meaning. The only thing I can think of is that Janus is again hating on society and the crazy things that people have to go through in it. If you weren’t aware, this song is about coat-hanger abortions.

11) I put a Spell on You: This one seems pretty striaghtforward to me. Janus knows that Thomas doesn’t want him, and it drives him up the wall, but he does what a snake boi does and slithers his way in anyways (“And I don't care if you don't want me, I'm yours right now” “I can't stand it 'cause you put me down”). I suppose you could argue that you could replace Thomas with Patton (mostly because daddy is used like 10 times in the song 😂) but a later song covers their realtionship extremely well.

12) Evil Night Together: Another toughie. My gut feeling is that this is a song about Remus and Janus just going out and having a wild night together. As I read into the lyrics more, though, it seems almost like Janus is doing this for Remus. Like he wants Remus to feel accepted and loved by him (something that can’t be said by Thomas). I just can’t read some of these lines without getting big Momceit vibes... i mean... theyre so supportive! “I'll hold your hand while they drag the river” “I'll cuddle you in the undertow” “I'll hold you close while they dust for prints”. Then theres of course this line... “Who's gonna make you a hero?” And to me, that is Janus saying that, if Thomas only sees Roman as his hero and not Remus, then it is Janus’ job to make Remus feel like a hero. Janus also saying “No need for cake or flowers” also feels like him reassuring Remus that he doesn’t need to be like his brother to be perfect and loved.

13) Don’t tell Mama: I think I’ve seen some people interpreting “mama” as Thomas in this song, but to me Patton seems like a better fit, especially after their interactions in the most recent episode. Basically this song is all about how Janus doesn’t mind people knowing about the bad things he does, but he can absolutely not have one person know. Janus seems to have grown a soft spot for Patton in the new episode and if you ask me, he would definately not want patton finding out about some of immoral things he’s wanted Thomas to do. I mean he literally waits for Patton to sink out and then the second he’s gone he starts scheming about pushing people down stairs and sabotage.

14) You’re a Cad: Another Virgil one, but this time it’s after Virgil’s acceptance. I think Janus has little faith in the beginning that Virgil would get far in his journey to the light side. Whether that is because of envy or just plain pessimism, I’m not sure, but he definately doubted Virgil would ever be able to escape his past (“So now you want the whole world to notice that you've come around, Now you expect, We'll see how you're really so much better now, But I know the truth” “What's the point pretending that you could be a better man, Just give in, since you always end up right back where you began”). Despite his reluctance to support Virgil’s endevors, Janus shows a softer side for Virgil that has gone completely untalked about in canon (“You're a rascal and a rogue, a villain and a crook, Still I tug at your line, I'm a fish on your hook” “Still I know the truth, but I have a sweet tooth for a Cad and a bounder, a dog and a cheap”). Janus really misses Virgil and I would go as far as to say that he regrets the things that he’s done to make Virgil want to leave (“I should be better, but I'm worse” “You're reckless with my heart, still I wait by the phone”).

15) As far as I can See: A sadie but a goodie. Janus doesn’t really understand love, but he’s sure that no one loves him (“As far as I can see Nobody loves me”). No one listens to him, no matter how much he shouts and cries. He doesn’t believe that anyone could love him if they are unwilling to hear him out and communicate with him (“As far as I can see, Nobody's listening” “And when I'm crying out, Nobody cries back for me”).

16) Criminal: AH MY FAVORITE SONG ON THE PLAYLIST! I LEGIT CRIED MY GUYS! Anyway. Janus LOVES Thomas. I would go as far to say that Janus loves Thomas more than any other side. Despite his lacking knowledge of love and what it feels like, he knows for a fact that what he feels for Thomas is the closest thing he will feel to love (“Because he's all I ever knew of love”). Now that thats out of the way, lets get to the juicy stuff... Janus feels like a criminal as he’s been taught over and over again that his opinions and thoughts are bad and harmful (“Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal” “I've done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins”) This song is ultimately about Janus wanting to improve for Thomas, the one he loves the most. He knows that Thomas needs him, and the only way to get Thomas to listen is to get some help. Whose that help you might ask? Patton. Janus wants to be more helpful, but he doesnt know how. He’s envious of Patton’s ability to be accepted so easily, so he goes to him for advice (“I've come to you cause I need guidance to be true, And I just don't know where I can begin”). Janus wants to be redeemed in Thomas’ eyes, he wan’ts to escape the criminal appearance he’s been doomed to (“And I need to be redeemed, To the one I've sinned against”). He HATES some of the things he does to Thomas and some of the things he makes him think, but he doesn’t want to be forgiven, he believes that he deserves to be punished, but he still wants to get better for Thomas. He just doesn’t know how to do that (“Oh help me, but don't tell me to deny it, I've got to cleanse myself Of all these lies til I'm good enough for him”). Also, Janus sees Patton in a very very high place. He goes as far in this song to liken him to an angel while comparing himself, again, to the devil (“So what would an angel say, The devil wants to know”).

17) Change: The song is about, you guessed it, change! This to me is a continuation of the last song. Janus finally feels like things are changing in his favor (likely after the most recent episode). He was beginning to feel like there was no point in caring or trying, but now that he’s begining to see the light, he’s grown a bit hopeful (“Lately I've been thinking it's just someone else's job to care, Who am I to sympathize when no one gave a damn?” “Trying to find the power in me to be faithful” “Change is a powerful thing, I feel it coming in me”). With Patton’s help and acceptance, Janus is begining to feel worthy of Thomas again and begining to see the he has a voice (“Maybe by the time this song is done I’ll be able to be honest, capable, Of holding you in my arms without letting you fall when I don't feel beautiful Or stable”).

18) Devil in the Details: Janus worries again about his ability to help Thomas. He doesn’t believe that he can tell the difference between good and bad and he looks to Patton for that differentiation (“There was love I meant, there were accidents, So tell me which is which. 'Cause I just can't work it out” “I have, no way, of knowing,…”). There’s also an odd underlying message about doing something that he doesn’t want to do, but continues to do despite this and I’m not quite sure what that could be referring to (“And I know the cost, and I want to stop. But I can't do it, I just can't do it.”). It could simply be referring to him lying or deceiving others, but that seems too simple. I wish I had a better answer.

19) Come Little Children: ALSO MY FAVORITE SONG ON THE PLAYLIST! This is really big guys. This song practically confirms the fact that Janus was in charge of taking in and hiding the dark sides from Thomas (“Come little children, I'll take thee away Into a land of enchantment”). The song literally uses the phrase “My garden of shadows”, a clear metaphor for the hidden parts of Thomas’ mind where Janus keeps the dark sides. But it gets better... Janus pities these poor sides. He hates the way that society has forced them away from the light and into the shadows (“Follow sweet children, I'll show thee the way Through all the pain And the sorrows”). Not only does Janus feel bad for these sides and longs to protect them from the cruelness of the real world, but he LOVES them. He values every aspect of them and thinks they are beautiful and perfect. He cannot fathom why society wouldn’t also love see them this way and it frustrates him to hide such amazing traits from the world (“Weep not poor children For life is this way, Murdering beauty and passions”). Despite this sadness and dissapointment, Janus does his job and keeps the dark sides hidden away, knowing that society would never accept them for what they are (“Hush now dear children, It must be this way”).

20) Into the Unknown (no not the Frozen song): This song is VERY IMPORTANT. I have seen so many misinterpretations of this song, and granted mine could also be wrong, but please hear me out. This song comes right after the last song for a reason. The sides that Janus had once hidden away are now being shown to Thomas. He is literally going into the unknown (“Led through the mist, By the milk-light of moon, All that was lost, is revealed.” “Somewhere lost in the clouded annals of history, Lies a place that few have seen. A mysterious place, called The Unknown. Where long-forgotten stories are revealed to those who travel through the wood.”) Thomas is figuratively traveling through the wood by learning more about himself and traveling deeper into Janus’ previously mentioned Garden of Shadows. The song ends, beautifully framing Janus’ love for the sides he’s raised and hidden away, calling them “ The loveliest lies of all”....

(Ahhh! I’m sorry that was so long guys 😅 Thank you if you read the whole thing or evern part! I’d like to hear your opinions, so let me know 💛💛💛)

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #ts sanders sides #ts unpopular opinions #ts janus #janus sanders #janus playlist #ts side tracks #janus’ playlist #sanders sides playlist #long post #ts sidetracks

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mnogorgannik · 4 years

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2 10 n 11 :)

this is basically an essay im so sorry. watch how hard i can infodump (ill put this under a cut hopefully it works bc sometimes tumblr decimates the keep reading things if theyre in asks)

2. Who’s your favorite of the Bound? What do you think of the different ideologies they have? Which of the factions are you most aligned with?

WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER I AM A PETER LOVER THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!!!! oh baby i love that morally questionable architect. pretty early on in getting into pathologic (it’s coming up on a year now...) i thought about peter stamatin too hard and now i’m here. but really i find him to be such a fascinating character!

the thing about pathologic that i love is how almost every character can be as complex as you want. pathologic does an excellent job of implying a lot of character traits while only exploring some in further detail, which in some games is frustrating but patho does it so well! it consistently hints at traits and lets you fill in the details yourself. peter’s character is extremely interesting to me... and maybe a little more relatable at times than i want to admit lol.

i think i’ll talk about both stamatins though! their dynamic hurts me a lot. i’ll start with andrey bc i’ve been thinking about him lately. although i’ll bounce back and forth between both stamatins.

i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again.... andrey’s role as a protector who inadvertently hurts the people he cares about really gets to me. he is not a shield but, in his own words, a battering ram. and the problem is that battering ram has a recoil.

i have to wonder how that mentality of his came about, anyways. the implication is that it’s always just been him and peter, so did he take on that role because there wasn’t anyone else to do it?

in his efforts to protect peter from... military, i believe, he kills four people. which leads to daniil getting mistaken for andrey, which leads to daniil getting shot. and almost dying. he protects peter but to a smothering extent, peter even says he’s been suffering for ten years bc of andrey which is a LOADED line. he protects on a physical level but he kinda fucks up on the emotional.

there’s a horrible irony in peter and eva being the people he cares about the most and both attempting suicide. with eva once she’s missing he immediately goes running off trying to look for her, and . ahh i can’t remember right off hand what exactly he thought happened. but ik he was probably expecting a fight. with peter he says that after that he’ll never let peter leave his side, at least “as far as his knife can fly”... it sounds cheesy but the one thing he can’t save anyone from is themself.

and god the way andrey bases his ENTIRE sense of self worth on peter fucking hurts. they’re not peter and andrey, the architects. they’re Peter And Andrey, The Architect. (thinking about “one architect, two brothers” here.) andrey thinks he’s larger than life and all but he’s constantly living in peter’s shadow. their theatre of death positions come to mind here, with peter standing up, looking down at andrey. but andrey is on his knees in front of peter, arms limp to his sides.... separated by a wooden beam...

peter’s side of this dynamic is fascinating too. his dependency on andrey is. ow. leaving all practical matters and decision making to him... there’s this resentment (That’s Fine I’ve Been Suffering For Ten Years Because Of Him) and lack of communication that especially shows through for him.

while in p2 andrey completely crumbles if peter dies, peter doesn’t seem to care...... at all....?? which hopefully is elaborated upon in p2. he’s willing to talk to aspity about worrying if andrey is angry with him but he can’t bring it up with andrey himself. when he asks how andrey is doing he stops and says andrey is a “tough man” and can handle anything. in general, while it’s definitely there for andrey, themes of dependency are really glaringly obvious for peter.

one of my favorite peter things i’ve talked about before is still his ego!!! peter has a gigantic ego!!! he really does think that even though he’s hit the ceiling and can’t go any further he is still “a true architect” and “the rock upon which is built the stairway to tomorrow”. he has a blunt edge to him and he doesn’t ever tell you more than he thinks he needs to which i love. if he doesn’t want to tell you something he isn’t gonna do it. this is a character trait i think ppl miss which is sad because it’s so good and adds another layer of depth to him!

it really does hurt me how he’s valued for his mind alone (AHEM AHEM AHEM. GEORGIY) but it’s the thing nobody understands about him. i’m nowhere near as smart as peter lol but i do know that pain of feeling like none of your ideas can be understood because you just can’t express them the way you’d like, and then feeling like you’ll never be able to make it happen.

also, here’s a little thing i’ve picked up on. this connection probably doesn’t exist but i’m making it because the stamatins make me lose my mind and start becoming one of those people who looks for connections in everything i guess. peter standing in the theatre of death, andrey below him. peter’s loft being at a high point in the town, the broken heart being underground. peter’s loft is also higher north on the map but the broken heart is lower south. just smth interesting

i have more thoughts on them of course! but this is all getting awfully long. i feel like i’ve only just gotten to the tip of the iceberg even though i’ve written so much skfjskfjs this just feels quite surface level or. at least what is surface level for me who thinks about the stamatins so hard.

anyways i’ll keep my answers to the other two parts of this question quick! peter and andrey’s more creative vs practical mindsets are rly neat. especially because i would actually argue peter is a little more grounded in reality in certain aspects. not all, but certain ones...... their take on the utopian ideology is interesting. hot take: peter’s version of utopianism leans a tad towards humility. and andrey /does/ feel “straightforward utopian” but i think in certain regards? this man has a bit of a termite streak..... (hi al if you’re reading this). but i won’t get into that right now i’ve already gone on so long. saving that for later.

i think all of the factions kinda suck in their own way sometimes, honestly? although all of them are well written and have their pros and cons. were i in pathologic and i had to choose one i’d probably be a termite but everyone around me seems to think i’m a utopian. is it bc i love peter so much

10. What would you be like as a Pathologic character?

this question is a hard one! i did make a self insert once, mile-a-minute, but they’ve become their own oc by now. i think i’d be very...... very afraid...... probably isolating myself why does every pathologic character break quarantine???? also you could trade beetles with me :) thats about all i’ve got sorry this is real short

11. What is something you would change, writing-wise, about either game?

UGH i’ve been gushing about pathologic because. obviously i love this game so much. but the way it handles racism & such (in both games!) leaves much to be desired :/

i see a lot of the points it’s trying to make but i think the way they’re handled can be very messy. there are moments that work very well but. a lot that don’t. (i am aware that dybowski writes partially from his own experiences)

all too often the game “validates” the kin’s oppression and... at times paints them as oddly antagonistic? i don’t like how often as artemy you’re able to be like “i’m not one of those beasts” and i think there are better ways to touch on his internalized racism. in general the constant comparisons to animals is weird. you get big vlad who is obviously explicitly racist comparing them to animals, but then sometimes it’s like “ACTUALLY calling them animals is fine :)”

i think the herb brides are kind of. Hm. in their portrayal. also using parts of the buryat alphabet to denote an accent is weird. making odongh and herb brides inhuman is weird. connecting the kin to Magic is weird.

and, listen, i’d really like to not be playing Artemy Burakh Experiences a Microaggression Simulator every time i’m playing the haruspex route. hate that you either can’t call ppl out on their shit or if you can it ends the conversation/bars you from getting necessary information. glad you at least get to drag the vlads, i guess?

i also was talking about this but wrt peter specifically, and this issue is present throughout the game but it’s especially visible with peter, i don’t like how often you can mock him for his addiction.

he’s obviously in an extremely rough patch! being able to be just so plain cruel to him about the dependency on alcohol (and iirc in p1 hallucinogens, bc aglaya mentions it) he’s formed to cope with his mental illness & trauma just feels bad. especially because yes it is not a healthy coping mechanism at all but... it still is a coping mechanism, if that makes sense?

the way you’re able to constantly rub it in his face feels awful. peter is fully aware that it isn’t good for him and shows a desire to quit. even if he didn’t it would still be awful to say because. it’s just insensitive. like you don’t just go up to someone and keep being like HEY YOU DRINK A LOT YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WATER IS? feels really bad to keep harping on something that causes him pain and that he struggles with every single day.

however peter does have moments where he tells you Not to say that, or if you pry into why he drinks he’ll outright say he doesn’t remember you being his friend, which is better than nothing.

in p1 moreso than p2 i hate how you can be like oh he’s craaaazy he’s off his rocker he’s delusional!!!! that “why, i never... an architect of schizophrenia!” comment sticks in my mind because it’s just... so genuinely mean. especially because if i remember correctly that line is from when he’s planning on LITERALLY FUCKING BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE

i think if they were going to have all of this they should have gone more in depth on how it’s really. not good that he’s treated so poorly. and i do believe that’s what they were going for, a la the art book w/ the whole “not to be made into a drunken clown, this is a tragic character”, etc. but it just doesn’t land. i’m holding out for the bachelor and changeling routes in p2 to see if they expand upon any of it but i highly doubt i’ll be satisfied in this regard.

i stand by the One time it was really fucking funny to clown on peter being the time you can tell him little girls eat raspberries and earthworms and he just believes you

#asks #patho #GODDDDDD #i hope you wanted to read an essay today

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softforcal · 5 years

Note

Okay okay. How about the classic Slytherin x Hufflepuff relationship between Slytherin!cal and Hufflepuff!reader??

SLYTHERIN!CAL X HUFFLEPUFF READER

-this got requested like 10 times so here we go lol

-Slytherin Cal is the Slytherin Prince

-he’s gorgeous. captain of his Quidditch team. the Hood family is a Slytherin legacy. he’s smart. he has girls at his feet 24/7. he’s living the life.

-everything comes easy to him

-and then he meets you

-you’re the sweetest little Hufflepuff he’s ever met

-too sweet

-so sweet that the first time you meet him, after a Slytherin Quidditch win, you have no idea he’s flirting with you

-Cal is shook because he thinks you’re friend-zoning him

-like, he tells a joke and you laugh and reach up and squeeze his cheek, “you’re so funny.”

-this boy flushes like it’s nobodies business

-and you don’t even notice cuz you’re just a happy lil Puff

-you walk away and Calum’s buddies come up to him and are like “did that girl seriously just squeeze your cheek?” “better question, did you LET that Puff squeeze your cheek?”

-Calum is still shook

-cuz he’s the gorgeous Slytherin who makes girl melt

-squeezing peoples cheeks is HIS move

-he thinks about you all night

-the next day he sees you in the hallway and comes to walk next to you, “hey Puff.”

-”hey there!” you smile

-you talk for a bit while walking to the great hall and when you get there you’re just like “you know, people always say you’re scary but you’re really not. i think we’re going to be great friends.”

-did you just friend zone him.

-Cal stands there in shock because that seemed like a hard friend zone

-and he has never been friend zoned before

-ever

-it totally hurts his pride a bit

-he goes to his table and everyones like “so you and Y/N?” and he’s just like “i think she friend zoned me.” and they’re all shook

-the entire group staring at you and you wave from your table because you’re just a happy puff who think you and Cal gon be friends

-like. he’s gorgeous and you’d be down, but you’re an unassuming puff

-and Calum is determined to not be in the friend zone, so the next class he has with you, he sits next to you

-”hey!” you grin

-conversation is easy with him

-like, he’s so confused that it’s so easy

-and you’re so cute

-he is so soft for you already

-and he actually kind of enjoys getting to know you like a friend

-cuz usually with girls he’s going for sex so….

-like other than his three best friends he doesn’t have many actual friends, just acquaintances

-and just like that, he actually starts hanging out with you as buds

-and yeah, part of him is still hurt cuz he’s friend zoned, but like… meh, it is what it is

-Calum would respect it

-so you actually become buds

-and people are sorta shocked because Cal has that scary reputation but there he is with his lil Puff

-like people are shook that you two are friends

-and his other Slytherin buds completely accept you too

-and none of them ever bring it up but its definitely an underlining joke that Cal is friend-zoned

-but then slowly each one of them makes a pass at you and gets friend-zoned too so…

-like Luke coming into the common room and he’s just like “and she fucking friend-zoned me too.” and everyone laughs because same

-we’re talking so friend zoned you literally help them each get girls

-so you’ve been buds for a month or two and you’re at a Slytherin afterparty after a Quidditch game and Luke is drunk as fuck and comes over and sees that you’re looking at Calum talking to a girl and is just like “its hilarious that you friend-zoned him. thats never happened before.”

-and you’re like “what?”

-”you friend-zoned him.” Luke states and you’re just like “no i didn’t. he friend-zoned me.” and Luke’s like “no he fucking did not.”

-you both turn to look at Calum and Luke just grabs you and is like “be happy little butterfly! tell him he’s not friend zoned!” and then pushes you in Calum’s direction

-drunk Luke thinks he’s a matchmaker

-”wait Luke! does he even like me?!” you ask

-”pfff oBVIOUSLY!” Luke pushes you harder

-so you walk over to Calum who’s just like “there’s my best bud” cuz you’re THAT friendly with each other

-and you’re just like “see this is why i thought you friend-zoned me!”

-and he looks down at you and is like “no you friend-zoned me.”

-”did not!”

-”did too!”

-”did not!

-and then he just grabs your face and kisses you and you just melt into it

-because you both have been holding back this entire time to be respectful but now you dont have to

-its really passionate. all this pent up tension

-you two are so lost in each other, it’s not until his hand goes down to your ass that you realize holy fuck you’re in public

-and you pull away, pushing on his chest and laughing as he grins, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you to his chest

-”fuck, thank god i’m not friend-zoned anymore.” he teases

-”you never were!” you insist

-”sure.” he says sarcastically, rolling his eyes and making you laugh as you cuddle closer

-all his buds watch and Luke’s just like “and that is how you play cupid.” because this Slytherin fuck was not drunk at all and it was a meticulously planned assault

-no one’s seen Calum so soft before

-and he’s never had to wait to kiss someone for so long so boi straight up saw fireworks

-and you being in his arms is chill, but he misses your lips after like a minute

-but also, who would have fucking known that having a cute puff in his arms would make him smile so much?

-like he always wanted to be more than friends but even just as friends he was so happy so now he’s just like… woah this is next level

-so he’s out of the friend zone which is chill but now he’s gotta figure out how to get to the boyfriend zone

-you spend the whole night together, his arms around you as you goof off with his friends and stuff like normal, but you’re both GLOWING

-it just feels like you’re a couple already

-and he knows it would be SO EASY with you

-because, fuck, he adores you so much

-and he’s never had that

-you finally need to head out and he offers to walk you back to your common room

-talking on the way back about why you both thought you were in the friend zone

-”you started it when you pinched my cheek the first time we met and then called me a friend the next morning.” he points out

-okay… so like… true “but i’m a Hufflepuff! thats a thing we do!”

-”i have never seen a Hufflepuff do that so now i know you’re lying.”

-laughing a lot

-getting back to your common room and you turn to hug Calum like you always do when he cups your face and kisses you again

-he gets you wedged between his body and the wall

-and boy is kissing you like his life depends on that shit

-you’re the air he needs to BREATH

-his mouth goes down to your neck and you have to stop yourself from moaning and you’re just like holy fuck, Slytherins are into public stuff but woah

-its kind of a mind fuck because ya’ll were just friends but oof, this Slytherin boy is sexy as shit

-and he is an amazing kisser

-you finally pull away and he’s just like “lets go on a date.”

-you agree and move to go into your common room but he steals one last kiss before flashing a cheeky grin and a wink while you leave

-you both freak out as soon as your out of each others sights

-like this guy is used to getting attention and being at the top of the world but you’re a little slice of heaven, and he intends to get full entry to your gates if you know what i mean with this oddly specific and weird metaphor

-anyways

-you guys are still buds so you hang out like normal and the date is pretty chill too, like you two have gone to get butterbeer SO MANY TIMES but this time is different because he holds your hand on the walk down and insists on paying for you

-and you two are already so comfortable so it feels like any other day, except he’s touching you more and you are LOVING it

-this boi doesn’t even LOOK at other girls anymore

-walking back up to the castle and he’s just like “wanna just be my girlfriend? i know we’ve only had one date but-”

-“yes.” you answer before he can finish his sentence

-he kisses you, lifting you off the ground and spinning you a little before setting you down, a huge smile on his face

-who would have fucking known that all it takes to get a Slytherin like Cal to become soft is a squishy lil puff?

-it just makes sense for both of you

-its just a wholesome friendship that includes kissing

-so much teasing still

-not much even changes except the kissing tbh

-and then for his first game since you became official he gives you his scarf which is like… swoon am i right?

-you’ve always felt pride watching him play because he’s amazing but this is next level

-coming onto the field when he wins and he just lifts you up bridal style and spins you around and makes you laugh and is just the softest munchkin

-everyone is so shook at how soft he is

-but he gets serious fast

-like if anyone makes any sort of anti-hufflepuff remark, Calum will cut a bitch

-he’s the new leader of the protect hufflepuff squad

-he has a resting bitch face but as soon as you show up he melts

-so people always know when you enter a room because his entire body just relaxes and he smiles at you

-”there’s my girl.”

-umf. like, protective possessive Slytherin but also super soft

-and he will fight anyone who fucks with you

-like as soon as he sees you upset he’s like “who do i have to fuck up?”

-this bitch will straight up employ Michael to help prank a teacher if they give you a bad mark

-and Michael is always down to prank teachers

-yeah, boy always offers to fuck people up and you usually think he’s joking and laugh it off and he usually doesn’t actually fuck people up, but he WILL if you ever were really hurt

-sleep overs in his bedroom where you stay up late cuddling and talking about life

-tracing his muggle tattoos and asking him if they hurt. he tries to show you wha the pain is like but can’t bring himself to actually hurt you and ends up laughing and pulling away

-can you imagine you’re first time where he’s pulled away because he doesn’t want to hurt you while showing you what a tat would feel like and you’re just like “it’s okay. if you hurt me.”

-this boy just freezes

-and stares at you for a long while

-then he’s kissing you roughly and pressing you into the bed with his body

-and he’s going hard and rough but you’re loving it because he’s your Slytherin dom babe

-tearing your clothes off and going to town

-he would definitely make you cum with just his mouth first because babies gotta show off dat Slytherin tongue if you know what i mean ;)

-he honestly thought the first time you fucked would be more Hufflepuff-y and sweet and slow and passionate but you telling him he could hurt you got him feeling some sorta way fam and he can’t even stop himself

-and your sounds are driving him wild

-he’s super into the whole innocent Hufflepuff being kinky for him

-dirty talk about it

-”you like that puff? you like being defiled by a Slytherin?”

-of course he’s gotta bring houses into it because its a classic Slytherin move

-its amazing

-even asking him to leave the rings on while choking or spanking and he has to actually stop for a moment to collect himself because FUCK

-afterwards you both cuddle and it’s super soft and Hufflepuffy and he’s just like holy fuck was not expecting that

-this would just be a very wholesome relationship fam

-a strong, protective asshole who’s soft just for his sweet lil Puff

-im here for it is all i’m saying.

#calum hood #calum hood smut #calum hood x reader #hc #softforcal #hogwarts!au #hogwarts!calum hood #hogwarts!5sos #hogwarts 5sos #hogwarts calum hood #slytherin!calum hood #slytherin calum hood #hufflepuff reader #5sos #5 seconds of summer #hogwarts 5 seconds of summer

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vellihor · 5 years

Text

選擇 ° chpt 2.

genre 》 skz mafia!au

word count 》 1857

warning 》 angst, violence, gore, etc.

__________________________________________________________

YUBIN

i knocked a few times on changbin's door. i roll my eyes as i hear loud rap music being blasted on the other side of the door. i slide the door open anyways. i see changbin punching furiously at the punching bag.

i walk over to the speaker to stop the blaring music, only to have my brother spin around to glare at me. seeing me, he hesitates before taking off his boxing gloves and hanging them up on the rack. i toss a towel at him, grossed out at the sweat dripping down his body. as he caught the towel in midair and cocked an eyebrow at me.

" we havent had sibling heart to heart talk in a long while changbin."

he motioned for me to sit down on his bed. which i graciously took up his offer on. i hugged his plushie, gyu, the only clean thing around the room. i watch as he pulls out a fresh shirt from his closet. he drags a chair from his desk to sit infront of me. then i decide to start the ball rolling.

" so whats your deal with minjung? hm? "

i see him facepalm himself and groan into his palm. because changbin was older than me by two years, he always had trouble opening up to me. he felt as if he was not doing a good job as an older brother. thats why i started this heart to heart talk between the two of us. i waited as he lifted his head to look at me, thinking about how to put it in words.

" that woman simply ticks me off. shes single-handedly the most stubborn person i have met- "

" says you. "

i pressed my lips in a thin line as changbin gave me an unamused expression.

" i dont know we just dont work well together. i work well with anyone and everyone except her. she hates my guts, i hate her guts. we are even. then chan has to force us to work together. to be honest, i thought making the situation worse would make chan rethink about this shitty paring. guess i was wrong. "

" well from my point of view, i think the both of you should try to tolerate each other. i mean you have always been good at tolerating people. why not just tolerate each other. you guys cant jump at the first chance to kill each other. who knows maybe you guys will end up liking each other. "

he grabs a nearby soft toy and chucks it at me. probably from my last sentence. but i see him slowly consider my words.

" then whats with you and hyunjin trying to send each other to your respective graves huh? "

" thats a different situation! "

" mhmm tell me. how so? "

" ugh youre impossible. "

" lets make a deal then. if you try to get along with hyunjin, i promise to try to get along with minjung. "

i eyed him suspiciously and stuck out my pinky. he locked his pinky with mine. he shot me his goofy smile. i scoff at him as i lay down on his bed. he lies down next to me and we stay in a comfortable silence, staring at the ceiling. until i break the silence.

" do you ever miss mum and dad? "

he pauses before replying.

" all the time. i just wish they didnt leave so soon. maybe then we wouldnt have ended up like this. sure we have been through tougher things but i wonder how different things will be if they were still here. "

" remember that time we stole from the convenience store? we nearly ended up in jail. i still cant believe we survived by ourselves for so many years. "

he chuckles softly as he recalls the memories. ever since our parents died in a fire, changbin and i have always been relying on each other. i vaguely remember changbin sitting on the pavement and bawling his eyes out. his head was buried in his two hands as he sat there trying to comprehend the life-changing situation he had experienced. i remember twelve year old me being lost and clueless, wandering about in the crowd that had formed in front of the building. changbin shot up as soon as he heard my voice and engulfed me in a hug. the both of us had tried so hard to forget about that incident. but one of us would get a nightmare about it every now and then.

it has been five years since chan took us in and decided that we would have family members to look out for us. now we feel like SK is our family.

i watch as changbin stands up from the bed and looks at me in disdain before snatching gyu out of my hands. he strokes gyu before placing it down on the bed. changbin offers his hand to help me stand up. but i know better than to fall for that trick again. i push off the bed on my own. changbin looks offended that i didnt take his hand. i punched his left arm before walking towards the door. he gives me a look of pure pain and disbelief, while holding his left arm.

" did you just-? did you not hold back anything in that punch?"

" come on. dinner is about to be done. i bet you a hundred bucks that grandpa woojin is going to complain about how nobody helped him to prepare dinner. "

i chuckle as i slide the door open. i walked to living room, spotting hyunjin playing pool. changbin nudged me towards him. i scowled at my brother, only to have him flip me off. he shooed me off, mouthing "get along with him".

i walked to the pool table and picked up a cue stick. hyunjin pretended to not see me. i was going to give up being nice. but changbin was watching from the sofa. so i resorted to poking hyunjin in his ribs with the cue stick to get his attention. hyunjin saw it coming and dodged it before i even hit his ribcage. he sneered at me. i scoffed and threw my hands up.

changbin was still watching from the sofa. i took a deep breath before speaking.

" best out of three. loser treats the winner to a round of drinks. "

i sigh in relief as i see hyunjin consider my offer, nod and reset the pool table. i look towards changbin. he was giving me two thumbs up. i grin widely at him as i see him being awkward with minjung, who had just came out of the shower. he was trying so hard to start a conversation without being weird.

i turn my attention to hyunjin.

" ladies first. "

" wow hyunjin is being a gentleman for the first time. "

" hey take it or leave it. "

i say nothing as i rest my cue stick on my fingers.

__________________________________________________________

HYUNJIN

i eye the woman infront of me suspiciously. her behaviour seemed too abnormal today. she was actually being nice to me. just to clarify, that has never happened. ever.

yubin clears her throat and gestures to the pool table.

"um.... so i won and drinks after dinner are on you,"

i shrug and continue staring at her unknowingly, watching her put the cuestick down and run to the kitchen to help woojin with dinner.

i snap out of it when woojin shouted for everyone to eat dinner. i walked over to the dining table with jisung. dinner was the usual. everybody was talking loudly and enjoying dinner.

i noticed that changbin and minjung were talking to each other. i scrunched my nose in confusion. i nudged seungmin.

"whats with changbin and minjung?"

"what?"

"nobody realises that theyre being friendly to each other ????"

"yeah no dumbass. they are on a truce. they just said it just now. pay attention to the table conversation will you?"

"ouch, no need to snap at me like that. that hurt my feelings."

my mind wandered to yubin being not-so-hostile to me. she DID try to puncture my ribs with the cuestick.

__________________________________________________________

after dinner, i brought two bottles of beer up to the roof. i looked around looking for yubin but i couldnt see her anywhere.

"did she just bail on me?" i thought.

just then, i spotted a dark ball snuggled into one of the many oversized beanbags that jisung bought. i walked over to see her looking up at the sky. i plopped myself on the beanbag next to hers.

"so whats up there that got you staring for so long?"

she doesnt even look at me. no acknowledgement of my presence whatsoever. i scoff at her.

"wow so youre not even going to reply me? even after i got you beer? come on you have got to be kidding me."

after a few minutes of silence, i hear soft snoring coming from my right. "no way. no fucking way. is she sleeping?" unsure of what i had just heard, i snapped my head to look at her. leaning in closer to check if she was indeed asleep. upon a closer look, i realise i have been sitting next to a sleeping yubin.

i sigh as i sink back into my beanbag while taking a swig out of the bottle in my hand. after a few minutes, she stretches and somehow manages to hit my eye in a state of half conciousness. my right hand presses against the injured part. she recoils in shock and grabs onto my arm. her face was full of worry and she was starting the panic.

"ohmygod ohmygod i am so sorry. fuck fuck fuck. you need ice. wait here im going to go get ice for you. do not move."

i chuckle at her and removed my right hand.

"im not injured you dumbass. that was payback for making me wait for you to wake up."

she freezes with an unreadable expression. i stiffen at her reaction. she then slowly sinks back down in her beanbag with an almost inaudible "oh".

the atmosphere becomes awkward again. yubin clears her throat and reaches for her bottle of beer.

"um yubin?"

"what?"

"thats my bottle."

"yea i know. my bottle isnt open yet."

*awkward silence yet again*

*caw caw caw*

"so,, um hyunjin, do you have any siblings?"

*caw caw caw*

"uh....... sure yea of course i do. i have a twin sister and an older brother. my twin sister went missing when we were five and my older brother ran away from home when i was seven."

i looked over at yubin to see her mumbling to herself.

"hey dont worry its fine. really."

she looks at me with a forced smile.

"and your parents- ohmygod i just asked a stupid question didnt i? ah fuck sorry. im bad at this."

i let out a loud laugh as she facepalms herself. she gives me a questioning look.

"hey hey relax. no need to panic so much. just breathe okay? and yes to answer your question, i do have parents. both are healthy and fully alive."

"what about you, yubin? whats your story?"

"where do i even start?"

#skz #stray kids #stray kids imagines #stray kids implied #bang chan #kim woojin #lee know #seo changbin #hwang hyunjin #han jisung #felix lee #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #jyp stray kids #stray kids angst #stray kids mafia

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spidermanifested · 5 years

Text

not to do Universal Steve Discourse on main in 2019 but....... i did genuinely enjoy the season finale and i want to like. express the reasons why? in a really really really long drawn-out and needlessly convoluted manner probably because this is being typed on mobile and im tired

first of all i know the main thing people dont like about how things have gone in general is the fact that its less You Gotta Beat the Bad Guys and more You Gotta, Talk to the Bad Guys Until They Stop Being Bad, which is not very often a realistic approach to stopping actual horrible people in our real human society from doing actual horrible things

and i get it!! but honestly the way the finale goes about resolving conflict (or specifically how steven goes about resolving conflict), while flawed, feels more like. a mediatorial power fantasy id have as a kid than anything else. like....... for once, things not having to end with the strongest person coming out on top. making the other side just sit there and listen for a few minutes, and force them to realize that their actions have consequences for the rest of the world and the people they claim to care about. that no, their idea of whats best isnt always helpful! that theyre ignoring everyones actual needs in favor of an idealized and selfish narrative!

every time i would watch a show featuring superheroes or anything similar when i was younger id hate that it always had to resolve itself with violence instead of just TALKING to each other, and maybe su and the homeworld arc in particular isnt an accurate portrayal of successfully navigating interpersonal conflict with stubborn assholes or of fighting systemic oppression or a fascist government colonizing everybody else and suppressing all dissent through any means available or whatever but. sometimes metaphors dont work as a direct 1:1 comparison to things happening in real life, and thats, okay i think? sometimes? i dont know it just feels good to see everybody UNDERSTAND each other. it reminds me that its. actually possible once in a blue moon to convince someone to treat the people around them with respect. and it just feels good honestly. its a fantasy show and Everybody Goddamn Finally Getting Along is a Common and Valid Fantasy to Have Especially If Youre a Kid in a Bad Place

also: though in a lot of scenarios this way of approaching the diamonds wouldnt be feasible at all, steven in the show is not just a random human whos magically able to change the minds of alien dictators. hes the son of maybe the one person they had any compassion for, and they treated him like he was still her, which even then Wasnt Great because the diamonds were not a healthy familial setup by any measure. but at the very least they could SOMETIMES be swayed by pink. and he used that to its advantage by showing them how much they hurt her, and then by extension how much they hurt everybody else, even if they didnt particularly care about the rest of their “flawless” gem society. and maybe they still dont!!! maybe theyre just making reparations to honor pink. but when it comes down to it their feelings dont matter. their motivations dont matter. their ACTIONS matter. in stevens words: “you did this, and now you have to fix it”.

he used his foothold in their good graces (again, relatively) to make them take a closer look at their actions, and thats what makes it more rational to me. because of course they wouldnt listen if he was some random half-alien kid. if he really was unrelated to the diamonds he would have HAD to use force. you dont get people to listen to your viewpoint by just talking when theyve already convinced themselves youre below their consideration and itd be useless to pretend otherwise, yes!! but to use another characters metaphor- the best character in the whole show (bismuth)- if you are a lion, you can safely enter the lions den. use your respected-as-a-peer status to convince the people around you to be better. obviously everybody being affected by oppression can fight with everything theyve got and it makes a huge difference, but what also makes a difference is people in positions of privilege standing up for other peoples rights and magnifying their voices, and the burden of breaking out from an unjust system shouldnt NEED to be placed on the downtrodden. we should fight, but we shouldnt HAVE to fight. its not our fault things are this way

and giving up on galactic conquest doesnt suddenly make the diamonds good people. not once to my memory do they ever actually verbally apologize (at least white diamond definitely didnt) but like i said before, that doesnt really matter to the people they hurt. the damage is done and any apology offered would just look flimsy and performative. instead steven has them just shut up and fix the things theyre able to fix. nobody says “i forgive you”, they arent suddenly given tragic backstories to make the audience sympathize with them, theyre just... the same close-minded egotistical royalty, but being forced to look at everybody else from a different angle for the very first time, directly after coming to grips with the fact that their awful caste-based society pressured one of “their own” into faking her own death and later dying for real just so she could experience life outside of the constricting role she was born into. thats their thing. that isnt a redemption arc so much as a “hurray we made them pay for their reprehensible actions in a constructive and viable manner” arc

i think thats... cool? less focus on Punishing Wrongdoers and more focus on Fixing Problems. we need that. in a lot of ways

but yes i also wholeheartedly believe that you should not argue or debate or converse with fascists in real life unless youre somebody they have to take seriously. like. their dad, or something. and dont do it anywhere public where they can perform for the audience instead of addressing your words. and also dont do it on the internet where they can screencap and mock you with their friends instead of being serious. but if youre their dad i dont know why youd need to be doing that. anyways this post is long enough so thats the end of my ‘Punching Nazis is Very Morally Good and Also Fun and Im Not About to Say Otherwise in a Million Years’ disclaimer

the tumblrmobile refuses to post this so ive had to save it as a draft and come back on my laptop to add tags good website great design functions as intended

#su spoilers #steven universe spoilers #do i have. an actual su tag. whatever

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fuckdavestriderheistheworst-blog · 6 years

Note

you too buddy all the SO questions

ugh why damn it i did not ask to be punished by means of talkin about vantas until my fingertips bleed

but fine

Significant Other Asks

1. Tell the story about how you met.

it was over the summer about three years ago and tumblr kept pushing a certain blog at me and upon checking it out i decided to give him some troll asks (which looking back upon now were lame as fuck? what was i thinking honestly)

anyway that became me revealing my blog over tumblr and then lo and behold we had a college class together and we realized we were sitting beside each other and i told him that his major was an “easy major” or something and basically he hated me for a while there

2. Was it a gradual increase of trust and love, or was there a specific moment where you knew “I want to be with this person for a long time”?

it was gradual for sure i went from picking on him to agreein to let him tutor me in english to craving his friendship and then falling in love with him without even realizing

before i knew it i was head over heels and here i am, happy as fuck that im dating my best friend

3. Describe their eyes. Describe their hands. Describe their laugh.

his eyes go from being like cinnamon to being like hot chocolate, in color accordin to lighting and in mood, his hands are warm and comforting to hold and are quick as all hell on a keyboard, and his laugh is rare but memorable, like its dusty from misuse and drizzled over with the annoyance i usually provide him

4. What’s your zodiac sign and mbti type? What about your partner’s? Do things like that reflect your actual compatibility or is it just bunch of bunk?

i had to google what my zodiac was because i think both of those things are bullshit but im a saggitarius and an isfp (or was it istp i dont remember its been years)

vantas is a gemini and...

i dont think he ever tested for it because he isnt internet quiz garbage but hey what does it matter without knowing his results i know that we are a fine match

5. Are you long distance? Have you met in person before? When do you get to see them again?

no, yes, and probably this evening when i bring back dinner

6. Tell me a story about a happy experience you two shared. Something that makes your heart warm whenever you think about it.

something that makes me feel really happy to remember is the new years eve after he got those color correcting glasses and i took him to watch the fireworks and he was so happy and amazed at the color and the show and i was so proud that i could do that for him

7. Tell me a funny story. Did they do something silly? Did you do something silly? Talk about your inside jokes.

one time i groaned into his ear and called him daddy to test and see if he had a daddy kink or not and he was SO into it so now im waiting to call him daddy again when he least expects it

8. Are your families supportive? Does it matter if they’re not?

yeah as far as i know both sides are

9. Would you ever have a pet together? Do you already have one?

we sort of have pets together but theyre also just kinda our own pets but with shared care

10. Do you have children together? If not, are you both interested in raising children some day?

i dont really want kids and i dont think vantas does either like ever we arent even married and also having kids would be a hassle

11. If they’re having a bad day, what do you do to help?

i usually just sit and talk to him and support him like a friend and boyfriend should do its not really anything special but it works every time

sometimes i surprise him with relatively cheap gifts or food too but he doesnt like me splurgin so i try not to make him uncomfortable

12. If you’re having a bad day, what do they do to help?

same thing really hes always there for me to make me feel better and talk things through

13. What’s something that your partner does that would be annoying if anyone else did it, but it’s cute when they do it?

scolding me like he is a third parent, somehow its endearing when he does it

14. Have you ever went on a vacation or adventure together? Tell me about it. If not, do you have plans to do something fun in the future?

yeah weve gone on a few sort of technically

that one road trip to texas we took and spent a while on

the trip to malibu

were planning (or i am) for a trip to europe this summer if its at all possible with our schedules

15. What’s something that you learned about yourself because of being with your partner?

that im enough just being who i am and that i can have a relationship without cash at the forefront

16. What’s a piece of advice that your partner gave you that has resonated with you?

you dont have to bend over backwards for somebody to please them or make them like you just be yourself

not the exact wording but that is the moral

17. Which one of you kills the bugs (or captures the bugs and places them safely outside)?

we take turns but i dont like to kill them unless theyre wasps or venomous spiders id prefer to catch and release

19. Do you prepare meals together? Does one person enjoy cooking more than the other?

neither of us can cook for shit so other people prepare our meals for us always

20. What are the best restaurants to go to? Do you see movies at the theater? Do you do things like golf or bowling, just to bond more?

i like taco bell and pizza hut, yes, and i dont think weve ever done either

21. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something silly.

we used to get aggressive over gay chicken sometimes early on in our friendship that was always fucking ridiculous

22. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something serious. How did you compromise? What did you learn?

one time vantas said he was disappointed in me and i took it hard and im pretty sure it ended with him leaving but i dont remember what brought it on or how serious vantas had been or how sensitive i had been

we got over it. not sure i learned any super moral from that but it did help me learn about him better in the long run and vice versa

23. Is there a famous couple, fictional or otherwise, that reminds you (or other people) of you and your partner?

will and jada pickett smith

24. Do you have a shipname?

vantder i dont know

maybe film boyfriends because he writes and i sort of direct

27. Do you have extremely similar personalities and interests? Or extremely opposite? Or is it a balance that just makes sense? How do you try to better understand each other? Do you ever have to experience things you’re not interested in, or vice versa?

we sort of click here and there but mostly our interests are different

i know he isnt super into art but he shows up to support me like he went to the award event with me and said he was proud of me and i like to offer up romcoms and movies akin to his interests when we settle in for date nights

he is supportive as hell but i dont think either of us have ever made a point of saying we arent interested in the other’s interests

28. Has your partner ever changed one of your opinions on morals, politics, society, etc?

he helped me to be better about takin school seriously so id say yes

he has also changed my opinion about myself almost completely

29. Tell me about a time that you were really proud of them.

when he got that book deal i was so happy i felt like huggin on him for days

i knew he could do it and it made me real proud to know that he did it and i am STILL proud of him

30. Does physical affection and/or sexuality have a role in your relationship? Are both of your needs being respected and fulfilled?

yeah both are heavily involved and fuck i hope so im not sure how much more i can step up my game

31. How often do you talk? On the phone, Skype, in person? Are you two the type that stays up too late because the conversation is too good to end?

we talk all the goddamn time and basically never leave each others side

i know i regularly stay up hells of late talking to him because i like it so much

talks get so much deeper at night when youre curled up next to somebody you love

32. Talk about your sense of humor, and your partner’s. Do you laugh a lot together? Which one of you is funnier?

were both assholes with sarcasm as our main crutch and im pretty sure we have both laughed at the others expense at one point or another but i would have to say that we are damn near a tie because both of us have a pretty deplorable sense of humor stand up comedy will not be in our futures any time soon

33. Is there anyone who doesn’t like the idea of your relationship? What’s the reason? How do you and your partner overcome disapproval from others?

no i cant think of anybody who is against our relationship

nobody that matters anyway

34. Have there been any hardships that have ultimately brought you closer than before?

i mean i hit my head and got retrograde amnesia and still had feelings for him so i think that eliminated any doubt i developed feelings just because of sex

i didnt remember it and i still loved him

35. What’s their contact name in your phone?

vantas

36. Tell me about what your partner is good at. Are they an artist, are they good at math, do they play a sport, etc?

vantas has stamina when it comes to running and shit for DAYS i thought id die the first time i went running with him

hes also a really great writer and im not just saying that to be supportive i think if he sat down and wrote a book itd get a film adaptation nigh instantaneously

steven spielberg would shit himself

37. Get really sappy and gross for a moment. Be so gushy that your friends would groan in mock annoyance if you told them. What’s adorable about your partner? What makes your heart melt? What’s something cute that they did that you’ll always remember no matter what?

god i just fucking love his eyes and his lips and his hair and the way that he scoffs over dumb “rich guy” things and how good his coffee is when he makes it and how i can NEVER replicate it that good even when he guides me through makin it. i love the sound of his voice in the mornings and late at night when i should be asleep but am clinging onto him and talkin about nothing in particular. i love how he says my name and i especially love that hes the only one who really calls me by my last name so affectionately. i love the way he reads and i love the way he still looks a little too long at colorful things sometimes when we are outside and walking. i love the way his hand fits with mine and i love that we can reassure each other through anything, that we will be there for each other through anything. i can easily see myself spendin the rest of my life with him and if not as a boyfriend then as a best friend

38. Let’s talk about life goals and hopes. Do you two have a similar idea for the future (regarding careers, getting a home, family, finding meaning)? Do you two make a good team? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them?

weve talked about moving in together or gettin a house but our careers are pretty up in the air right now except for vantas’ teaching job. i think we make a fuckin great team and id love to spend the rest of my life with him in any way shape or form

39. Reflecting on all of your experiences, what advice would you give to a young couple?

pick your best friend to fall in love with because youll never have a better love than that

40. Is your partner on tumblr? Tag them here and write them a small message, it can be anything.

@crimsongenetics hey vantas sorry for gettin all gushy here i hope i dont make you throw up at school i love you

#ask meme #literalillbeats #((m i s E R Y but THANK U

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mxn-yoongi · 7 years

Text

BTS as Kingsman (Yoongi)

-Okay before i even start yoongi in a suit

-YOONGI IN A SUIT

-If thats not enough to make you want to pounce on this man then what is

-Okay okay okay min yoongi

-Codename: Percival

-Yoongi was just a normal guy when he was recruited into kingsman like he had a 9-5 job and a small apartment and he just lived his life

-When he was recruited he was always quiet and distanced himself from the other trainees

-Not because he wasnt good at making friends or anything

-IT WAS BECAUSE HE KNEW HE WAS GONNA GET PICKED TO BECOME THE NEW PERCIVAL AND GETTING TO KNOW THE OTHERs WAS NO USE BECAUSE THEY WERE GONNA GET ELIMINATED ANYWAY

-Like during training he always volunteered to go first and passed with flying colors and nobody expected that from a regular guy so when it was announced that he was top of the class everyone is just like ‘wth lol who even is he’

-WHEN THEY GET TO CHOOSE their doggo companions since hes top of the class he gets to go first and everyone expects him to choose the german shepherd or the rottweiler or even the doberman but when yoongi grabs the little brown toy poodle everyone laughs but yoongi doesnt care because LOOK AT HIS CUTE SON

-Yoongi justifies his choice by telling the others that he doesnt need a dog to back him up because he can take an enemy out blindfolded with one hand behind his back (he’s done it before)

-So when they get down to the last two and yoongi is faced with having to shoot his son holly or leave the kingsman hes in a state of inner turmoil

-Like thats his son

-But also kingsman

-But yoongi makes a decision and he clears his mind and hes holding this gun in his hand and his heart is beating so fast and he points the gun and his hand is on the trigger AND SUDDENLY YOONGI IS POINTING THE GUN AT ARTHUR!!!!!

-The room is so quiet bc there is yoongi standing with the barrel of his gun pointed at arthur and arthur is just standing there with his arms crossed completely calm.

-Yoongi is now smirking and arthur is like ’umm what’ then yoongi points the gun at holly and pulls the trigger and BANG

-Its a blank

-Yoongi tosses the gun at arthur and picks up holly while shaking his head because ‘you could have at least reacted to having a gun pointed in your face if you wanted to trick me. When you didnt react i knew it was a blank.’

-And arthur is dumbfounded bc did he just get outsmarted by a trainee lol

-Okay okay so anyway Yoongi is given Percivals spot

-Weapon of choice: cigarette lighter hand grenades

-You will never catch him without one

-I have this headcanon that yoongi is really good at negotiating and gaining control of situations hes not in control of so here we go

-Min yoongi a whole meal walks into this airport and of course the kingsman have their own planes and stuff but today he isnt percival hes min yoongi a man trying to go on vacation with his cute fluffball son.

-But i also feel like yoongi would get lost easily in a huge airport so here we have lost baby yoongs like yeah i can climb through the vents in the lotte world tower and find my exact target but this airport is new so im lost??

-He somehow wanders down a hall with a few doors and theres some god awful screaming and sobbing and yoongis like should i check that out or get an americano

-Americano it is

-Insert a loud cry for help and suddenly yoongi is bursting through the door he thinks he heard the cry of help from

-BEHOLD you, an ordinary citizen tied up to a chair with tears streaming down your face and 4 men surrounding you

-Yoongi is confused. What is going on. Why are you being adultnapped. Who. what. When. where. Why.

-Your eyes widen because fuck your screaming actually worked and you didnt think youd get this far but oh fuck he is a single ordinary hot man and these 4 guys are ripped now you might have someones blood on your hands

-Yoongi looks down at holly because hes growling and he gets a lil distracted because look at his son being all tough but oh shit if hes growling that means there are drugs in this room somewhere oh no there are bad guys right back to the situation at hand

-These 4 guys are suddenly like umm lol i guess we have to kill this guy because hes seen our faces and-

-‘HELP ME THEY WANT ME TO SMUGGLE DRUGS AND THEY THREATENED TO KILL ME IF I DIDNT AGREE OR SUCCEED’ you take your chances bc maybe this guy can help you

-Like maybe hes quick on his feet and he can bolt out of this room and find some police or maybe he can fight a little bit-

-‘Oh come on guys do you really think the boss is going to think she has the looks for being a drug mule? Shes not pretty enough to get passed tsa’ what a twist of events. This man you thought was here to help is also a bad guy??!!!!

-The other 4 guys are also confused because who the fuck is this guy

-Yoongi knows these guys. Hes seen their file before arthur accidentally deleted it. Theyre from a wanted drug cartel notorious for their body count and ruthless methods

-Hes pretty sure he knows enough to talk his way out of this or at least get this girl to safety before fucking shit up

-Youre crying again because you thought you were going to somehow get out of this but now it looks like youre being doomed to a sad life full of drug smuggling and sadness

-IN YOONGIS HEAD ‘oh no she is sad i must make her not sad i must help her i must protect her and make sure she grows up happy and healthy oh my gosh pls dont hate me’

-He lets holly’s leash go and the smol doggo runs over to you and just sits at your feet quietly waiting for his dads signal bc theyre gonna get you out of here

-‘I bet my dog could get more drugs on a plane than she can. How about your four find a decent girl while i dispose of this one and i wont tell the boss about your almost royal screw up.’

-These guys literally still dont know whats even going on but somehow they believe yoongi? Hes just that good. Like this is his specialty. Hes got control now.

-YOU SOB EVEN MORE BECAUSE THIS GUY IS GOING TO DISPOSE OF YOU

-The other guys are cutting you loose and they pull you up roughly and your legs feel like jelly bc this is it youre dead.

-You take literal baby steps over to yoongi and holly is trailing behind you after every step and wow why do bad things happen to good people. You pay taxes. You volunteer your time at animal shelters. You donate to charity. You work in a hospital making sick people not sick where did you go wrong.

-Yoongi grabs hollys leash off the floor and grips onto your arm tightly but not enough to hurt you it looks worse than it feels really.

-‘Why dont you guys take a quick smoke break before heading back out there. Hopefully we wont have to get rid of any other girls today. Pick a good one this time.’ yoongi just casually tosses a pack of cigarettes and a lighter at these guys before pulling you and holly out fo the room

-THOSE GUYS ARE STILL JUST NOT SURE OF WHATS GOING ON but theyve got cigarettes and a lighter so why not

-As soon as you guys are out of the room yoongi is literally sprinting away while dragging you like dashi run run run girl

-You are completely lost like why does this guy seem so panicked. Why are you running with him. Why IS HE SO HOT. when is he gonna kill you.

-You guys exit that hall somehow and yoongi is just mumbling things and trying to catch his breath.

-But then he starts whispering to you

-‘Okay theres going to be an explosion in a few seconds because that lighter i gave them was actually a hand grenade so just act the way you normally would during an explosion. Dont look suspicious’

-You just ???????

-Umm what.

-Yoongi has caught his breath and hes holding hollys leash in one hand and walking next to you casually.

-He just kinda intertwines your hands together before he begins a causal conversation but youre still flabbergasted but he needs you to be calm and casual and not suspicious

-But also When is the death part

-Like is he gonna kill you or

-‘So what did you want to do first when we land?’

-You dont get a chance to respond because umm

-Theres an explosion

-Just like he said

-And yoongi turns in that general direction with a shocked expression on his face like the other people in the airport and you do the same bc he told you to

-Everyone is panicking and running bc there was an explosion in the airport umm

-Yoongi is pulling you away in the middle of all the chaos and he pulls out a phone before punching in a few numbers and holding the phone to his ear

-‘Galahad, its Percival, i need you to delete the last 30 minutes of Incheon’s security footage. All of them. Also tell arthur the somin cartel has been kidnapping girls from airports to use as mule’s theyre getting bold. We’ll have to deal with them soon. Thanks.’

-UMMMMM

-‘What kind of a name is percival?What just happened?’

-Yoongis still holding your hand and you kind of want an explanation as to whats going on but his hand is also surprisingly soft and warm like you want to kiss these hands but they can also choke you bc look at those veins man DAMN

-‘So long story short i saved your life and now you get to continue living your normal life’

-He lets your hand go reluctantly bc youre beautiful and he just wants to protect you but he knows he cant because hes a kingsman and even his presence is a threat to you but oh god what he would give to make sure no tears ever slipped out of your beautiful eyes and no sobs ever left your kissable looking lips

-And youre looking at him with the cutest little pout and puppy dog eyes and hIS HEARt almost beats STRAIGHT OUTTA HIS CHEST

-‘Can i at least pay you back for saving my life? Do you like coffee?’

-He hesitates a little and shakes his head before trying to walk away but holly is literally refusing to leave your side so yoongi agrees

-And thats kinda how you started dating a kingsman bc he saved your life and everything

-But like

-‘You know i almost opted to get an americano rather than saving you’

A/N: okay so these are all completely unedited bc i just wrote them like in the moment type thing.

Also this was supposed to post earlier but somehow it ended up at 11 pm instead of 1 but when i noticed it didnt post i posted it sorry.

#yoongi x reader #yoongi x you #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi x you #bts x reader #bts x you #bts #bts imagine #bts scenario #yoongi imagine #yoongi scenario #yoongi fanfic #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #yoongi fanfiction #bts kingsman au

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dream2074interviews · 5 years

Text

Zoe Interview Transcript

F: First can you just introduce yourself, like where are you from how old are you

Z: so um my name is zoe its always a weird question when someone asks me where im from because most of the time its like “what are you?” instead of where are you from

N: yeah i get that

Z: so um I’m half british and half ugandan and um i was actually born in botswana where my dad was teaching at a university there and then we moved to england when i was 4 and i lived in cambridge for like 8 months and then my parents were like this is way too expensive and the moved to a little place called huntingdon which is 20 minutes outside of cambridge and half an hour from peterborough so thats where im from and now im in london after studying a fashion and textiles degree at LCF

N: how old were you when you moved to here?

Z: I’d just turned 20 cos i did an art foundation course which w- and now that i think about it im so happy i came at that age because i had friends that came when they were 18 straight away to uni to london to a new city and i couldn’t have done it

N: really?? Z: I felt like i was too young at 20 to be in london N: Why??

Z: Just I dont know cos like suddenly when your with you parents and everything’s safe and you’re in this small town and blah blah blah and then being.. you’re thrown into this city also i didnt really like like the first two years of my course so it was a bit of an overwhelming experience and then yeah

N: oh god i feel that Z: but yeah im happy its over now F: How do you feel about living in this society Z: In...? F: in london

Z: in london um when i first moved here i was super excited like for me i always knew that i wanted something more than Huntingdon where i was cos its quite- i love my friends there and everything but its very stand still, nothings really happening nothings really going anywhere and i always knew i wanted something more i knew i wanted- i wanted to keep exploring and travelling so when i came to london i was so excited that theres stuffhappening all the time i can literally go to galleries blah blah blah meet new and interesting people um yeah i loved it and.. i .. it was also really good in the sense that back home i didn’t really feel like i fit in um there wasn’t really that many people into art

um... i looked very different from everybody else and all the things i hated when i was in huntingdon suddenly when i was in london everyone was like omg this is amazing can i shoot you? and can i do this and i was like ok? like this is cool like this is nice that all of the things that over the years I’ve started to hate about myself... i needed it then cos it helped me to just be like.. live your life you know and just be like just chill out you know like things are ok you dont need to be blahblah.. sorry i lost my train of thought now

N: thats cool, but like... has that stayed with you during your time in london like are you still, do you still feel like that or,

Z: still feel like?

N: do you still feel like you need to be part of this like everything constantly moving everything happening or

Z: oh yeah i do definitely when i slow down its like oh god whats going on, even though i complain all the time about commuting and stuff like that i wouldn’t pick anywhere else cos im so inspired every day when i walk around like people here are like everyones here trying to hustle and like do their thing get their work done and that drives me cos back home everyones in a different mindset they’re just living for the next day really

N: content with a 9-5 Z: yeah! N: yeah i get it

Z: content with a 9-5 but then spending all their weekend like spending all their money just getting... messed up... for no reason! like i look at them and im like it must be such a depressing..

N: yeah... yeah i totally get it like im from birmingham so like exactly the same mentality like no-one like everyones like happy being within this /thing/ like everyones locked in doing the same thing every day getting fucked on the weekend and then like going back again and yeah like here everyones kind of like here trying to do something BIG

Z: yeah yep

N: I feel like its cos London... like all the major cities in the world are like not really part of that country they are but theyre sort of.. theyre more part of their own country so theyre all connected theyre all more international thinking

Z: literally! N: Its so much better

Z: its so true like you know when brexit was happening like they were like cant we just make london separate because theres so many people from so many different places and thats what i love like yeah my hometown.. it was more diverse than a lot of places a lot of towns in the UK so i was around lots of-i was around people of colour- i think that would have messed me up even more if there was nobody of colour and it would have been just white.. but i think it was just more boys so obviously i wasn’t going to hang out with them

so for me a lot of my time was spent with one type of girl and thats what i then internalised as “oh i need to be like this and i need to look like that and anyway its just stupidness like when you were younger are youre like “oh boys aren’t going to blah blah blah and you’d be like well if i look like this and i talk like this and i act like this then ill be fine” so i feel like it was a very good move of me moving to london it made me realise... like why are you why are you thinking you need to be like that when you’re absolutely fine likeee just get on with it!

N: yeah its true! I feel like just moving in general like even if you dont move to london like you just have to move somewhere else like you lose all of that perspective of like what everyone else has been telling you and you get another group of people... and i think when you’re young as well youre just so soft-even if you’re like strong as yourself- like im very stubborn and like quite but like it affects you! you get moulded

Z: it really does! N: it breaks you down

Z: and you dont realise how much it does until you suddenly have this breakdown and you’re thinking about it and all these things and you’re like oh god ok that really explains that and like

N: sometimes it takes a while for your train of thought to like Z: kick in yeah N: and like be aware of it! Z: to catch up with you yeah

F: What do you love about yourself right now, how you feel you're the same or different as a woman?

Z: So uhh i im more comfortable in myself yes 100% yeah but during uni i- like i said before i’d been struggling my whole life like i had a bit of a breakdown in second year where i was just like i cant keep up with this work or the work that im producing just doesn’t seem to be what theyre wanting and im not very good at talking to people so i just kept it all inside and then i ended up just yeah... i had to go home for a bit i had to blahblahblah and throughout that period i realised i had a really bad problem with anxiety... just communicating with people like sometimes i come across as a really confident person and i can talk to anyone then theres other times where im just like i dont know how to have a normal conversation with you like im trying to and then i realise im starting to not make sense and that can so um yeah i am better but especially after uni im like im having a bit of like identity problems and stuff like that

N: placeless-ness Z: yes placeless-ness, definitely N: yea i totally get you, everything you just said i’m like YEP

Z: yeah i think the worst thing is when i find myself talking to someone and im like wow i cant even hold a conversation what is going on with me like- and then you can see other people are just like ok... maybe thats just me though maybe im being silly but yeah thats one of the problems with myself now that im trying to work on its my anxiety just being like hey zoe like why are you stressin like theres no point stressing like there literally no. point. at all. i say this to myself a hundred times a day but yet here i am like

N: stressin out!

Z: yeah, so yeah thats i feel like once i get grounded in what i wanna do thats gonna help out a lot when im like this is where im supposed to be im happy im fine. i mean its better than it was when i was a child i was very sen conscious i never thought like cos i was this massive 6 ft 15 year old like with like huge hair and everyone had like perfect straight hair n that was just yeah i was just always the different one and i hated being the different one. I wished, because of my anxiety i wished i could just be normal and like in the corner hidden away but yeah..

N: its good though like, i feel like now you seem to be more aware of everything so its like putting things in to perspective helps a lot like all those things that make you different like you start to just appreciate them and realise that yeah this is kinda cool like its shit, its shit being normal like why would you wanna be average i cant take it

Z: I think- it sounds funny but one of the things that hit me about my appearance- i used to hate my freckles because i thought it made me look dirty blahblahblah but when i came to london and you know there was- i feel like when i first moved here as well i was probably everyone was like ohhh freckles, cos you know you can get those freckle pencil from topshop!

N: yeah yeah!

Z: and one of my housemates in first year in halls every morning would draw on freckles so seeing that made me be like i need to be more thankful because these are natural like yeah im just gonna stop caring

N: ugh wholesome it’s so much better and wholesome way of thinking!

F: So how do you prefer to connect with other people now like do you prefer to communicate like straightforward or whats your way of communicating with society?

Z: i feel like right now im just a lot more straightforward, open, after i had to go home for ages i hated being like oh im just away for a bit i found it just a bit like ooh uhh not satisfying but more, it was easier to just be like look I’ve had to go home for a bit, I’ve been in hospital, im recovering, im gonna come back and it was better for me because then people knew exactly what was going on and they didn’t care they wanted to help which was better than me just faffing about so for me now i just try to be more open about everything if im having a tough day im just like look im having a tough day like this is whats happened blah blah blah i dont want to dwell on this i want to move on blahblahblah and if i wanna talk to people im gonna be like hey lets meet up lets do something so im just a lot more forward whereas before i just was trying to please people and i was just pussyfooting around everything and i wouldn’t get to the point and yeah

N: yeah i get that, i had a mental breakdown in likeee may this year and its because like i was just keeping everything in and it was its so difficult cos people like expect you to be a certain way especially if they like if they like semi know you

Z: YEAH

N: they think that thats you as a whole but really you’ve got all this shit going on and i was like look, im dying, im going to therapy now

Z: exactly, thats the hard thing though when people see you smiling all the time. i dont know ah its so sad but half the time its just fake like im just trying to get through my day the easiest i can so i can get home and you know

N: but its so much better you know when you’re sad to actually be sad so its like cos you dont have the pressure of being- the lie- the performance- the perfomance on you. The performance kills you

Z: yeah it was the performance and because i was so sad and i let it go on for 3 or 4 years i mean my mum kinda knew that i wasn’t happy and stuff like that and yeah.. that was so nice to be like yeah i don’t have to act anymore because that was another thing i was like it would make me hate myself, cos i was like you’re so fake youre this that and then it would be this daily thing of me- oh my god I’m gonna cry- it would be this daily thing of me just being like you’re a piece of shit like why are you even trying like whats the point. So for me to just be like no this is whats happening and this is whats going on it was just yeah, so much nicer to just sort of let go

N: yep yeah i feel that it’s difficult

F: Do you want to share a part of yourself with other people or do you prefer to hide yourself more?

Z: um so im a lot more cautious with who i share myself with, and I’m a lot more picky in a sense, and i know that sounds bad but i think you have to be picky with the people you surround yourself with and I’ve reduced it, because beforehand you’d have those friends that you weren’t really friends with you’re just like acquaintances and they were friends of a friend like you felt like you had to keep up so now that all of that is gone its just easier for me to be 100% honest with those few people and yeah it just you feel a lot more together for a start but when it comes to interacting with the world i just think to myself- like i wanna be a happy person in order to just because in london everyone is so moody all the time and i don’t think that people understand that you saying one horrible thing to someone can completely ruin their day cos its happened to me before when someones like pushed me in a queue or just said “move” or “hurry up” or something and I’ve already been in such a shit mood that its just added to the top of it and I’ve been like right I’m done like so for me its really important to hold myself and be like how i’d want people to treat me, yeah every day everyone is going through so much i just think its so horrible when people are mean or just impatient

N: its just not productive is it, where are we getting with it Z: yeah exactly

N: I get what you mean about the friendships i feel like we have a certain amount of energy and like when you have acquaintances and stuff or friends that are sort of fake like you end up giving if youre a sensitive person, you give them a lot of your energy and you don’t get that back theres this imbalance and that hurts

Z: IT HURTS

N: yeah it drains you

Z: thats the thing i was giving so much of myself spreading myself so thin. Whether that be oh yeah ill come help you with this and that and then i’d have no time to myself and i was running myself down and i wasn’t eating or sleeping blah blah blah all for other people! which yeah ok thats good but i wasn’t thinking like wait zoe you need to kind of look after yourself too cos thats one thing when youve got mental health issues you go through a while i think of not thinking about yourself, and then also sometimes people will call you selfish so its hard to remember like you need to take care of yourself

N: yeah you have to take care of yourself because like if you don’t then you wont be able to like your energy is precious like you need to nurture it with the people who are gonna give it to you back and like it should grow always

Z: exactly, the people who are there for you in the long run

N: like you said like your mom and everything, family and that kind of thing its such a special thing if you have a good relationship, its like so solid and it wont ever fade like you’ll do anything for each other. I think people have that with friends as well but then like theres certain kinds of friends where its just like theyre not gonna give you that back, and they’ll keep taking as much as they can because they only see that one side of you where you’re smiley and stuff. i feel like they don’t stretch their minds enough to understand that you’ve got this whole other world going on

Z: and also sometimes.... back to the thing about my mum. although she knew that i struggled a bit, i didn’t tell her the full story because in my head- because my mum is a really strict christian and um whenever i come to her with something she’d just be like shall we just pray about it and i’d be like its not...

N: I can relate!!

Z: I’d be like bless you but right now its not gonna do anything for me like, I’m telling you i wanna kill myself and you’re telling me lets pray to jesus.. it was frustrating and it was... hard and it did isolate me even more because i was like well who can i talk to?! and then i was like well stop being silly and when i got sent to hospital and i just told my mum everything she was like- she still is now like are you praying are you doing this and I'm like erm

N: it's difficult with religious parents because for them it's like the ultimate form of care they believe like that is what is going to help you and there only putting that forward because that is what they want for you they've got so much love for you it’s really difficult I went through that with my parents

Z: and you get to a point where you're like is there anyone even listening to me?

........(lost her train of thought here) F: so do you enjoy sharing part of yourself with people?

Z: when I can find people, where we’re on the same wavelength, we've got the same vibe, the same vision, we’re not wasting each other time, when are being those people where oh you read my text and you didn’t reply back. When you find people that you just get on with each other and you understand each other like if I can't get back to you right now know that I will do like I'm not ignoring you

N: I Actually had a conversation with my friend about this at like 3 AM he was like I've turned my read receipts on like my real friends will know I've read your thing and I will get back to you and then the other ones if they complain about it like why haven't you replied to me just leave them.

Z: literally I feel like people got so consumed by it atone point even I was like oh my god they read my message blah blah. So like when you find people you're excited to talk to it's so nice to be like let's just..... yeah so for me I love doing that but it has to be specific people who aren't here to mess around my time and just take things from me and like we respect each other it's a good working friendship

F: so what's your biggest difficulty that you overcome during your life? And your biggest story that you want to share.

Z: it's really strange when I talk about things because I have such a nice upbringing and my parents always in my life for like support and stuff like that.... One of the main difficult things that really hurt me and haunt me and I actually blocked it out for like a good chunk of my life..... A Family friend sexually abused me when I was between the ages of eight and 10 and it was horrible it was horrible that I didn't understand what was going on then so like I didn't make much of it I didn't realise how much of an effect it had on me growing up like I would cover myself up Head to toe like I'd wear baggy clothes I didn't want anyone to see the shape of my body I didn't hug people I was very like- people would be like oh you're very awkward because I wasn't into hugging I wouldn't be that warm I'd have to observe you first I didn't realise it at first both because I didn't want to let anyone into hurt me. And that was another thing that like in first year it was as if my brain and my body had shut it out and then I got to uni and like bam I started getting all these flashbacks I started to be like how fucking dare this person do something to me like that. It just fucked with me yeah really factor to me because even after that older men have always been interested in me even when I was like a 13 -year-old child teachers in school would always act differently with me it was just a bit like I don't like thinking about it I went to a phase where I was like is that all men want from me just sex

N: well, men are trash, it's not you Z: but then that's the thing though I thought it was my fault I thought I was to blame for it

N: but that's when is with anxiety everything just turns back on you you are literally like I'm the one to blame for everything for all of this misfortune, it's really difficult I feel like as well because you can be the most logical person in the world and you can see it as how it it really is but there is that Demon inside of you that's like

Z: it keeps telling you yeah

N: it's horrific

Z: with me it's just being like zoe you were eight like there is nothing you were doing... I still struggle with it especially when it comes the meeting potential boyfriends and stufflike that because I'm just like awkward like in the back of my head I’m like they just want sex, that's all they want. Then I can be a bitch to people because I put up a guard and I'm really rude and really defensive it's just because I'm scared

N: which is totally valid, completely valid. And I think people who are worth it will realise it, like they will work Z: to get through it yeah

N: and anyone that doesn’t, just put them in the bin

Z: yeah it took me awhile to realise that because yes so in first year, god everything happened in first year with first year I came to London and I I had my little ho phase, I think it's because in Huntingdon no one was really looking at me it was only really old men that would do that and I came to London like people my age were showing an interest in me and this was new so I ended up getting into relationships and seeing people that were trash and I didn't realise it until I was halfway through so I was like oh god I've made the biggest mistake and it took me till second year to be like stop like what are you doing you've got to focus on yourself first and be careful with people because although they act nice at first it could all change and yeah so I try not to dwell on it too much I used to wake up every morning and just be a bit blergh it's hard to just get over somethings, it has gotten better but every now and then there can be something that just triggers it and when it gets like that I just need to be like I'm here for a reason someone is trying to test me today

N: but it's important not to like, like it's not about just getting over something it doesn't just click and like everything is okay it such a slow thing but then slow things SO much better because it's solid

Z: I forget that every day I forget it and I'm like I wish I could just be okay that you got to realise a takes a while, but I'm an impatient person nine

N: you'll get there like you seem to be very reflective person I feel like that's the best thing that you can be

Z: the best thing has been going to therapy N: it's so good Z: so so good F: is it where can i go?

N: go at UAL its free!

Z: yeah I went to a lady at UAL but it wasn't like therapy she was a mentor but i could talk to her about anything, she'd be like that's probably the reason you can't do this and she'd help me just like Connect it

N: theyre like detectives innit

Z: because before that when you try and do it you make crazy assumptions, but when somebody else tells you it's a lot better and you're like okay this makes sense I'm allowed to be sad I'm allowed to hurt I'm allowed to feel all these things by car just let it consume me and I have to think about what I want from from moving on

N: my therapist was like, she let me talk about all of my bullshit and like I refuse to like believe that anything bad that happens to me is like worth me feeling shit nothing is really attacking me or whatever and then at the end of my rampage she was just like nabila; call it what it is, its trauma. I was like oh my god that's a strong word

Z: yeah cos again when you're that smiley friendly person you don't really want to think about all that stuff and you don't always want to bring it up to someone and be like- because I don't know about you but when we grew up I feel like we grew up quite tough and we just get on with our shit.

N: yeah emotions aren't a thing

Z: i'll compare it to my boyfriend is American and he talks about his feelings all the time and I'm just like we are different and we were bought up so differently. Like I was brought up to just be like you're okay crack on get on with it it's not the best way and then sometimes I talk about my emotions too much and I feel like I'm being a drama queen or something and then I'm like stop hating yourself

N: I didn't realise it but when I was growing up I internalised this thing where I thought sensitivity was a weakness but the thing is I didn't see it in other people as a weakness I was always quite encouraging of it but when it came to myself I was like why are you being such a pussy why are you being like this and then someone said to me when I was having my tough time she just said to me nabila you're just sensitive you just feel things, I was like oh is that what that is? I didn't think I was sensitive

Z: it's horrible because you think you're weak and stuff but you just feel things a lot more

N: now I feel like my brain has reframed it and sensitivity’s such a strength to have. Because you can bond with people so easily if you want to not a lot of people have that which is kind of sick. that’s another thing that my therapist said to me, she was like not a lot of people have empathy you're quite lucky to have it and I was like “but I'm hurting”. She was like “no no is going to be alright is going to come to your advantage don't worry”

Z: literally now it's not even weakness I've mess only nice people that I can have conversations with and connect with them yeah I don't know I can’t see how it could be weakness

N: that's the thing though with sensitivity I feel like you can meet people and have these surface level chat where you chat about just normal shit but there is people that you meet can you talk about things in such a deep level and that's that crazy connection

Z: yeah and that's the difference like earlier on I was saying how I can't chat to some people I feel like with our generation at the moment as well as the industry we work in we're always looking for the next new cool thing who's got this who's got that sometimes

I feel like when you talk to people they are just judging you like oh have you got it... this is the word that just like my tutors would be like it's not quite it it hasn't got it it was always going round my head that I wasn't it

N: what is this it what is this perfection that everyone’s striving for

Z; yeah I'd always be like that but then I'd be like it doesn't matter if I can't have a conversation with those people that I don't even want to be around

N: yeah was having a conversation about this with my brother and he was talking about having ideals and stuff he was like I don't mean perfection but I said that literally the definition of ideal people shouldn't have these preconceived notions of what an ideal is then because then you always striving to something that you're probably not going to find I think you should just look at person or get to know a person and register what there and find the goodness in that and that's how you bond

Z: yeah exactly that's how you bond, yeah I literally agree so much I feel like so many people feel like they're going to change someone yeah let's adapt let me just completely change you and I'm like.... Yeah I don't want to

N: what's the point? how long are you going to be my life?

Z: exactly especially in London people aren’t in your life that long it's not long periods of time

N: and relationships don't have to be like that it's okay but you're always going to be your own life so you have to the most stable thing

Z: and that was lesson I taught myself like focus on your stability and are you going as a person rather than what anybody all anyone else thinks

N; what is the best thing that you can do really for your relationships with anybody else if you're solid then that's that then you can figure out how much energy you are going to give them you know?

F: so where do you find your energy and your strengths so where can you find your energy to support you?

Z: erm that's hard for me I think it's just productivity if I make sure I keep myself busy keep myself working and motivated that's what seems to work best for me even if I not working towards something and I'm not feeling very confident if I just do something for it I often then it just helps me get to get back into a mindset of being like yeah you can do something although not everything is going to be amazing you can just keep doing it and then my mum my mum is another one that just keeps me going just because her life is crazy and the fact that she's just so happy everyday like every day

F: me too Z: I'm just like your amazing N: where did she get her happiness from do you know?

F: she’s just simple, I have the same thing N: is it just the little things? Z: yeah

N: I've been trying to do that you know I was talking to my friend the other day we were talking about going through shit and how Life just seems to drag you down well she was talking about that and I was like look this is why go on about dumb shit like when the sunlight hits a building I'm like listen everyone stop everyone needs to absorb this

Z: yeah but I don't know how he does it everyday

N: I mean it's probably you if you don't know what is it probably is you

Z: ah but I feel like I’ve caused her so much stress

N: I don't think parents ever see like that though, I think something just happens when you give birth to another human being

Z: yeh! I have thought about this though right I just feel Like going through the whole thing of giving birth to something and then holding it in your hands I feel like you'll never stop loving like you can't ever

N: yeah I don't see how you can is literally a part of you and you're out here like breathing she is like yES I DID THAT

Z: yeah she keeps me going it's crazy N: mums are fabulous

F: yeah that's why I was doing this project in the beginning because of my mother like when I'm feeling upset or depressed I feel like my mum is always happy about things and she's just so positive all the time like everything is simple in her world but in mine everything is so difficult

Z: yeah definitely

N: we gets quite locked into our own worlds though and don’t realise that theres this whole.... Like ultimately nothing really matters apart from our happiness Z: yeah its just getting there, cuz we all know this it just

N: you get lost in it innit, its like you’re spinning around, you cant focus on the one thing, thats what happens all the time with everything whether you're doing a project or whatever you just completely lose your bearings but once you lock onto something everything is okay

Z: and that feeling it's such a good feeling when you're like actually I can do this I'm going to places yeah realising that you can do it

N: and that's my mums are there for they're just like yes you can do it I watched you learn to walk

Z: they just know they know N: I'm going to have to call my mom after this and tell her I love her Z: she hears all the time from me though im like I'm so sorry I love you so much F: what do you think of relationships and love

Z: very complicated, I found it so hard to be able to be comfortable with someone and just be my weird self again I just think I was looking to fill a whole with anyone and anything and I really been treated badly by some not very nice people and when I look back and it just makes me angry but then I'm like it's a learning experience you were young everyone has to go through this but now looking to the future I just want to find someone who were on the same page we Wanna work together in a functioning relationship functioning is the words we look after each other we care for each other we listen to each other like we've got each others backs I don't want you to tell me you love me every day and get me gifts I just want you to I don't know I just want to know they've got my back in situations for me that's just the biggest thing being able to trust somebody and I feel like sometimes I feel like our idea of love is so twisted like the way some of my friends talk to me about what they want I'm just like that so far away from why do you want that yeah I I've lost my train of thought.... It does make me sad though you know when you're 15 and everyone's telling you don't worry about it now and you still go through it all I wish I could go back and talk to myself and say you're fine mate just keep going just carry on you don't need anybody

N: it is difficult because I feel like everything when you're growing up all the movies all the books you read the music you listen to everything that everyone talks about it's like you have another half of yourself to find

F: its so true

Z: so true, I thought that for the longest time, I was like well for me to be complete I have to find somebody else it's not enough to be by yourself

N: it's super hard to get out of that way of thinking

Z: especially when your eyes have been opened a little bit but then you talk to your friend and they are the exact opposite they're like oh I need a man blah blah blah

N: that's the small town mentality jumping out

Z: I don't know about you but back home because it's like so small everyone just goes out with the same people so it's kind of incestuous and that was another reason why I was like I can't go back because I'll end up going with somebody's cousin all brother and I can’t

N: it's difficult to find someone with the same like that deeper level of connection rather than surface both difficult because everyone approaches any kind of relationship with the surface stuff you can't just go straight into depth it'll be a bit weird

Z: haha yeah so what do you think about life?

N: yeah we should just run these interviews we’ll start dating thing for next project... It really should be really easy to talk about that stuff straightaway it's hard because sometimes you're like in the past like back in the day things were different- but it wasn't really was it? I suppose it's never really be easy

Z: and even now I feel like the way we are shown couples you're supposed to look good together, do amazing things together and it's just like yeah you two can both look Peng and you can be like in Australia riding jetskis whatever but you might hate each other that's the worst thing and some people are like all this is the best thing I'm going to get so I'm just going to settle and that's the worst

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