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whatididtday · 8 months

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September 15/Fri:

Woke up around 11:30, was motivated to get something done today.

Looked into how to optimize LinkedIn and clicked some new photos (none of which I felt is as good) but I still added one of them to my LinkedIn profile

Got v anxious v fast as I saw I am not eligible to apply for any job as my skills are below subpar and had a breakdown

I did apply to some places and got rejection mails p soon

The whole afternoon I cried, it's like a routine now to cry in the afternoon

Again my partner reassured me that it's not the end of the world and I still have time, I'm v burnt out so doing such stressful things will make me have more meltdowns and that I should rest properly

After the encouragement and lots of love from them I felt lots better

I then hyperfixated on Yoongi for a while and had a mental monologue about how Yoongi 's songs are so deep despite him appearing so non chalant.

I ate lots of sweets yday, more than 5 pieces of thick milky sweets and that caused my head to spin real bad but I wasn't able to sleep and felt again v depressed

I've been taking medications properly, now that my mom makes me take it religiously and won't go till I have and it but the feelings of great despair and helplessness doesn't go away and I have to fight with myself to not feel that way.

My partner has been telling me to take therapy frequently ans it might help as they feel it helps them, so I should look forward to my next session.

I played Pogo the whole afternoon toll mom suggested I should go to swimming as it's been a while and my membership lasts till 12 October, which was a surprise.

I thought I've not been doing any physical exercise so I should go and also it's nice to swim and hopefully due to my exercise my periods will be regular.

I shaved my legs and got in my swimming costume, blasted *Crossed* while playing pogo on my way to swimming pool. Just when I was about to enter a bird pooped on my shirt, it was drizzling a bit so I help my hand out and that's exactly when the bird decided to poop

The poo didn't hit my hand but was on my chest area and there's a school beside the swimming pool place and all the kids were like ew and I felt v embarrassed by I think I handled it v v welln

I wiped the poo and didn't really react much and went on my way.

I reached ten mins early to the swimming pool but I took some time to fix my costume and wear my cap.

The goggles I have is really bad idk why, I'm unable to see anything when I wear it, yday I noticed some scratches, I'll investigate it more and see wtf is up with it.

Swimming after a whole month was hard, I had very less stamina, I could only do 12 laps, usually I go for 16-18.

There was a v sweet thing happened yday where two kids, one 4th grader called Di and 5th grader called Gi came up to me to talk while the swim sesh.

Gi and I have waved at each other and had skme tiny brief talks, she asked me if my septum piercing hurts and she said her nose hurts everytime she sees mine which was funny and told me back then that she was in 5th grade.

Gi and Di both came to me and asked whixh grade I am in xD, bless their heart tbh it's so sweet and I took some time to answer, I first said I'm not in any grade to which they got a bit confused and then as they are kids and won't understand I'm unemployed and all the follow questions if have if I told them this would be bad so I said I'm working in Amazon ( it's been 5 months since I resigned) and they were like ohhhh so you get Amazon things for free? Can you get us something and it was v sweet and funny.

Then these two started splashing water at ecah other while I did one lap and after I rested next to them one of the kiddos splashed lots of water on me and as they are kids it was funny that tiny kids splashing loads of water on an adult, so I allowed it and was joking around that oh no ill drown xD

And they were splashing more and more water to whuxh I splashed back some and they were having fun wuth this and whenever I splashed water they'd turn away so that they don't get splashed directly on face so I swam under water and popped up right next to Di and splashed lotsa water and she was Owo how? It was funny nice and funny

Then both the kids started asking me to play around with them instead of swimming as it's fun whne I'm there and it was really sweet so I obliged. They did their childish shenanigans and when the bell rang indicating it was 7 already we got up and the kids asked me to walk home with them

The younger one, Di asked me if I'll come tomorow and I jokingly said no I can't, because you splashed so much water on me I'll get cold and she got v scared and said no no I'm sure you'll not get cold, and seeing her distressed I said haha jo, But she wasn't like content so she held her tiny pinky out and asked me to pinky swear I'll come tomorow and I did and cuz I did this with Di, Gi also made me pinky swear with her and now I have to go to swimming today else they'll be upset

Idk why I think so much, I started thinking what will happen after I stop going to swimming, will they be sad cuz I don't want them to. Plus I just am a bit worried that I'll not get much exercise done now that I'm stuck with kids, let's see how it goes...

I was v v excited to tell my partner about all this, but not on text, I wanted to hear them laugh and giggle so I texted them I'll tell em all during the nightly video calls and they were excited but I was more excited to tell if to someone right then and it was not night yet, so I told mom ans she laughed but I have been trying not to talk to mom much as our relationship is v dysfunctional ans she's extremely controlling and when I confront she says hurting words and abandon me to deal with damage. It makes me realize it's the first time ever that I'm keeping things both happy and sad from her due to her reluctance to hear me out without dismissing and abandoning me when I need and then tell me leave trauma and past problems in the past lol.

I had tea whole telling her the least amount of retail about the kids shenanigans and mom got some dhoklas and a cashew sweet which I ate.

After that I studied for 48 mins, I realized how much more I need to study and do more projects to get a hang of the concepts, it took me so much time to replicate one simple web page and it kinda geared me to study regularly.

Was called for dinner just after that and dinner was a sensory night mare, weird texture veggies and fish and it was really overwhelming. But I had to eat so I can take my meds.

Took meds at 9:36

After coming to my room I tried studying for some more time till it was ten and then we videocalled and I told them the whole thing ans we laughed but it seemed they were very sleepy and I wanted so bad to hear things from them more, to spend more time but I wanted tu be a kind partner and ask them to go and sleep and I think they saw I'm being a bit upset and they were like nope I'm tired yes but I wanna talk to you now.

One tiny hurt in me starts branching spreading into a whole big disaster but I did my best to control it.

They said they wanted to send me another sleep story vn and I was like please don't bb, you sent me so many of them so I want to completely cherish it and then out of guilt I told them please don't put so much effort in sending the sleep recordings, it's so sweet that you do but I don't want you to exert yourself and it hurts me and to this they felt extreme guilt and said I send em so you relax and feel happy and not be upset, please don't think I'm putting lots of effort into it and hurting myself, I enjoy doing it for you and you deserve it. You deserve the best love and I'm giving you that and I was on the verge of tears from all the kindness and love but also vv upset with myself for not stringing the words correctly and yet we resolved that thing and they were so eepy, I asked them to sleep please and they agreed and we exchanged our kisses and love.

I love them so much, I really want to marry them, have the rest of my life with them and for that I need to heal and not cry a lot and also fix my thinking and work on my dreams.

I slept p soon after that

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soupyboysforlife · 4 years

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The Little Angel

Summarry: An AU where Dean transfers to Castiel’s school. They quickly fall in love with each other but keep those feelings hidden out of fear that they won’t be reciprocated. Dean winds up in a terrible accident and goes into a comatose state in which Cas cares for him anonymously.

This fic was inspired by the song Class Clown by Anthony Amorim.

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Chapter 1

An attractive boy with black hair sat in the back corner of the semi-crowded class. He was staring out a nearby window. There was a look of disinterest shrouded on his slightly stubbly face. He was the first thing Dean noticed as he walked into the noisy and crowded class. Some students looked his way when he entered the classroom. The teacher cleared his throat to introduce the new student. They quickly silenced, turning to the front to face the pair. Dean was nervous but he smiled at them confidently. He was used to moving around and going to new schools. Dean’s gaze wandered over the other students before returning to the attractive boy who hadn’t bothered looking towards the front.

“Everyone I’d like you to meet Dean Winchester,” the teacher said, gesturing towards Dean, “Please take a seat.”

Dean sat in the empty seat in front of the boy hoping to strike up a conversation. Before he got the chance some other kids by him started to introduce themselves. Dean introduced himself to them.

Castiel’s morning had been uneventful as usual. He didn’t have any friends in his first-class today. Instead of gossiping about the new kid, he stared out the window listening to the hushed whispers of girls debating about what he would look like. Cas finally glanced at the front of the classroom when Mr. Shurley cleared his throat. By his side was a boy. His eyes were scanning the students. Cas looked back out the window. Sure the boy was cute but Cas had no intention of talking to him. Not at the moment at least.

Mr. Shurley introduced him, “Everyone I’d like you to meet Dean Winchester. Please take a seat.”

The name registered in the back of Cas’s head just in case he needed to know it. Cas only moved when Dean sat down in front of him. He looked at him in surprise. There were a lot of other empty seats in the classroom. He dismissed the thought creeping up in his head. Cas’s heart was beating quickly.

After Dean was done talking to the other people in front of him he turned around and smiled.

He was even cuter up close. Cas tried his hardest not to blush, though he was sure some of the heat made it to his cheeks. Dean had beautiful green eyes that were crinkled with his perfect smile. His cheek and jawbones were sharp. There was a light sprinkle of freckles brushing his face.

“Hi, I’m Dean,” he said, reaching out his hand for a handshake.

“I know. I’m Castiel.” Cas responded as he gingerly shook the other boy’s hand. Sparks. He must have imagined that.

“Castiel, huh? Weird name” Dean said with a slightly confused look on his face.

“Yeah, like the angel. My family’s religious.” Cas shrugged.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Cas.” Dean said with a wink before turning back to the front of the class as Mr. Shurley began the lesson.

Cas was sure his face was as red as a tomato. He spaced out for the rest of the day, thinking of the green eyes and calloused skin that belonged to the new kid.

And so the crush began.

“Cas’’ a whisper.

That smile.

“Cas.” slightly louder.

Those green eyes.

“Cas!” a yell, this time he was being shaken.

Cas had been lost in his thoughts of Dean Winchester. He finally snapped back to reality. Gabriel, Castiel’s best friend, was shaking his arm.

“Dude, you okay? What’s wrong?” Gabe asked.

“N-nothing.” Cas managed to get out.

“Is it the new kid? Did he hurt you?” Gabe interrogated, this time with a look of concern and rage.

“No! Nothing like that.” Castiel assured him. It had been a couple of weeks since Dean had transferred to their school. He’d started a few weeks after the second semester began. Cas had noticed the air getting warmer. Spring was on its way along, bringing along Promposals and a new set of gossip.

“Well, what the-” Gabriel started, his face quickly changed from confusion to realization, “Ooooh. You like him.”

Cas’s only response was his face turning a light pink. Gabriel and most other students at Heaven’s Gates High had known that the blue-eyed boy was gay for years. His sexuality wasn’t a secret. Luckily, no one seemed to care about it.

“D’aw, you two would make the cutest couple.” Gabe teased, earning a glare from Cas, “You should ask him to prom.”

Somehow that thought made Castiel’s face impossibly redder. He glanced over to where Dean was sitting with some of the school jocks. He was laughing at a joke one of them made. Dean made eye contact, making Cas look away quickly. Heat radiated from his cheeks as he felt the green eyes staring at him. Instead of looking back he turned to Gabe and leaned his head on the table.

“I can’t. He’s probably straight, even if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be interested in me.” Cas sighed sadly.

“Don’t beat yourself up, Cas. I’m sure he’d like you if he wasn’t straight. Hell, I would like you if I was gay.” Gabriel stated with complete confidence, making Castiel chuckle.

“Thanks, I think,” Cas answered.

“Anytime,” Gabe reassured him.

That conversation helped Cas get through the rest of the day with a relatively peaceful mindset.

It had been a few weeks since Dean had started at the new high school. He was already pretty popular, though he doubted that he’d be able to maintain the popularity for much longer. That’s how it has been so far in his high school career. This was his, 4th? Maybe 5th high school. Luckily, this was his senior year and he wouldn’t have to worry about school much longer. His plan was to pass high school and carry on the family business.

Dean’s thoughts made their way back to the group of jocks he was sitting with. Dean was relatively good at football. He had just joined the school's team and was now attempting to bond with some of the players. One of them, Benny, had just made a joke. Dean hadn’t been paying attention to it but he laughed anyway.

He felt the hair on the back of his neck rise. Sensing a pair of eyes watching him, he quickly scanned the lunchroom. He quickly found the source. It was Castiel, the cute boy from his pre-calc class. Dean quickly decided to take a shot at flirting from a distance, but the other boy had already looked away. Dean’s face fell a little. He sat, staring in disappointment for a moment longer, hoping the blue-eyed boy would look at him again. When he didn’t Dean rejoined his teammates’ conversation with an awkward chuckle.

Lunch was over too quickly but he only had one more class for the day.

Dean never paid attention in Economics. It had to be the most boring class that he had. Lucky for him it wasn’t hard to distract himself from the seemingly eternal boringness of the class. His eyes dragged across the board at the front of the room. They picked out every small detail, eventually coming to a stop at the date on the edge of the board. Wednesday, February 12th. Two more days before the weekend. He sighed in defeat. The only thing he had to look forward to was pre-calc in the morning. Dean’s mind wandered to the handsome boy who sat behind him.

A smile crept along Dean’s face as he thought of the details on the boy's face. How he turned pink when they saw each other.

Dean imagined cornering the smaller boy, trapping him between Dean’s body and the wall. He pictured those perfect blue eyes staring up at him innocently as he leaned down and pressed his lips against the plump, pink ones. Moistening the chapped lips with his tongue. Maybe he’d run his hands along the boy’s hips and back. Kissing the scruff along his jaw and neck. Fingers slowly exploring every nook and cranny of-

Fuck

Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He took a few deep breaths. His mind searched for other things to think about.

Dean heard the chair behind him squeak over the monotone script of his teacher.

“Hey, Dean.” a low voice said behind him with a nudge to his shoulder, “You going to Adam’s party?”

He turned his eyes and head slightly to put a name to the voice. It was Kevin.

“Dunno man, when is it?” Dean responded.

“This weekend. You gotta ride?”

“Yeah man, text me the address,” Dean said. Maybe he’d be able to pick up a chick or two to take his mind off the blue-eyed boy for a while. Dean’s cell phone pinged with the texted address.

“Thanks.” Dean smiled.

The next day Dean stumbled, tiredly, into his pre-calc class. Usually, he didn’t arrive so early but his Dad had an early meeting and a busted tire, so he and his little brother, Sammy, were dropped off at school early. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. Finally noticing how empty the room was. The only people there were Castiel and Mr. Shurley. Cas was at his desk using his hands as a pillow. While Mr. Shurley graded some papers.

“You’re here early, Mr. Winchester.” the older man commented without looking up from his papers.

“Uh, yeah. My dad had an early meeting and had to borrow my car.” Dean responded with a chuckle.

This time Mr. Shurely looked up from the paper and folded his hands before answering. “I don’t recall asking. Now have a seat. I need to finish grading these.” He gestured towards Dean’s desk before going back to his writing. He made his way to the desk in front of the boy.

Cas still had his head resting on his hands. Upon closer inspection, Dean realized he was asleep. Cas’s back was rising and falling steadily under the large, blue-grey sweatshirt he was wearing. Dean leaned a little over his desk while putting his bag down to look at Castiel’s face. His usually blue eyes were closed gently. His long lashes reached for the bags resting under them. Dean’s eyes wandered down towards the man's plump, chapped lips. They were slightly parted. A small trickle of drool ran out from between them, getting caught in the light stubble on his jaw before trickling onto the back of his hand. A light snore emitted from the parted lips with every breath.

Dean smiled and let out a small chuckle at the sight. He had to force down the temptation to reach out and wipe away the spittle. Dean’s chair creaked loudly when he sat down making him wince. Castiel immediately sat up. His ocean blue eyes looked dazed from sleep. They stared directly at Dean for a while, not fully registering what was happening. Dean felt his face start to heat up as he tried to hold back a laugh. Cas made a sudden gasp of realization. His eyes cleared and widened as his cheeks began to turn pink. He wiped the drool from his cheek and ran out of the classroom.

Dean sat, unmoved, at his desk. Wondering if that actually happened. He chuckled to himself as he thought of the other boy’s messy bedhead and dazed out, sleepy face. If that wasn’t relatable he wasn’t sure what was.

Mr. Shurley let out a ‘tsk’ of annoyance as Castiel ran out of the room. Dean stooped down and unzipped the front pocket of his bag, grabbing some cash from it before zipping it back up. He stood and walked out the door. Dean tugged on the bottom of his ridden up T-shirt as he wandered down the hall to the Cafeteria. His eyes quickly scanned the lunchroom in search of some kind of vending machine. He finally spotted one and bought two Gatorades. One was purple, the other light blue. He wandered haphazardly around the halls, looking for Castiel. He gave up after a few minutes and went back to the classroom. It had a few more kids in it then before but it was still pretty empty. Dean looked over towards his desk. He smiled when he saw Castiel sitting in the desk behind his. Cas looked a little more cleaned up. His hair was more controlled and his eyes were more alert. The dribble remains from his nap earlier had been washed away. Upon seeing Dean his face grew red once again as he tried to sink into his seat further to hide from view. Dean chuckled. Damn, this boy was cute.

Once he reached his desk and sat down he turned around. Castiel had his long sleeves pulled up to his fingertips. He held his hands in front of his eyes in embarrassment.

“Hey, sleeping beauty.” Dean teased, hoping for a reaction out of the other boy, “I got you something.”

He set down the two bottles on Cas’s desk. Cas peeked out from behind his hands curiously before reaching out and taking the purple Gatorade with a muttered thanks. He struggled to open it for a second and Dean hid his smile by taking a sip of his own Gatorade. He smacked his lips loudly and inspected the bottle, wishing they sold something stronger. They sat in silence for the rest of the class.

Stand by for part 2!

#destiel smut #destiel fluff #destiel #destiel fanfic #destiel feels #deancas #dean winchester #castiel #cas #i love these idiots #its unhealthy #i spend way too much time on this #this is a cry for help #someone love me or i might write the forever to fill the emotional void in my heart #supernatural #spn #fanfic

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faith-trustpixiedust · 4 years

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So I’m pretty sure that Ben isn’t 18 yet in Descendants 3?

I’ve been trying to figure this out for nearly a year now, and with reference to the timeline of the movies, I’m pretty sure he’s about 17 and 3/4 in Descendants 3.

In the opening scene of Descendants, Beast mentions that “how is it possible that you’re going to be crowned king next month! You’re just a baby!” to which Belle replies “he’s turning 16 dear” which means that at this time, he’s still fifteen and they’re entrusting an entire kingdom to someone not eligible for a driver’s license in most places. Beast says that 16 is still too young to become king, which means he likely turns 16 before coronation.

I always thought his birthday was sometime between this scene and when the core four come to Auradon, since we probably would have seen a celebration of sorts if his birthday happened during the course of the movie.

The movie takes place at what I assume is the start of the school year, likely at the end of August/beginning of September (since they’re bringing in a batch of new students, and it still seems fairly nice, warm, and summery out) and the coronation is probably at either the end of September, or perhaps early October. I’ve headcanoned it as the coronation fitting as mid/late August, the proclamation and VKs coming over as early September, and the coronation at the end of September but it could definitely be a couple weeks before/after what I think it is.

If the Auradon Prep grades work the same way they do at schools in the U.S. do (which, it’s likely they don’t and/or the producers never really put much thought into that), this would most likely put Ben in the 11th grade. The rule is typically that you have to turn 5 by a certain day to enter kindergarten (it varies by state, but it typically ranges from August 1st to October 15th). Adding years onto this, it means students in 11th grade have turned 16 by a certain date, except for any students who skipped a year.

The books confirm that Ben is in the same graduating class as everyone except Carlos and Jane (even though we know the books aren’t necessarily canon, but I think this can be considered such) so they’re either all in 11th grade, or all in 10th grade (unless like, Ben started D1 in 10th grade, skipped 11th, then graduated in 12th with the rest of them but that’s a bit too complicated).

By the second movie, we know that at least Jay and Audrey, and most likely Chad, have their licenses (we see Jay drive the limo, and Chad goes off after Audrey after her car breaks down, and I assume he drove to go get her). In most places, you have to be 16 to drive a car without a licensed adult in the car with you, so we know they’re all at least 16 by then.

Descendants 2 takes place about six months after the first movie, since the woman on the news says something about how six months ago no one thought Mal and Ben would last. This puts us in either March or April if you consider the events of Descendants to be in September. I think Mal and Ben got together sometime in September, and six months from then would be March, but it’s likely the news story means it’s exactly six months since they started dating, so it could be sometime in April too. The events of the movie lean a bit more towards April than March, since it’s warm enough at night to have an outdoor party on a yacht, and March might be a bit too cool for that. They’re all still in the same grade as they were in Descendants at this time, and Ben is about 16 1/2.

Then we have Descendants 3 which is just...oh gosh who knows when that takes place. We know it’s sometime after everyone but Carlos and Jane graduate, which is supported by Jay telling Gil he’ll take a gap year (a year between graduating one school and starting another), a deleted scene with Jay saying he’ll miss Carlos when he’s at college, and Escape from the Isle of the Lost.

That same book also says it’s been two years since the events of Descendants 2, which doesn’t really add up. This would put us in March/April again, when it’s most likely May/June since they’re having their graduation ceremony. It would also mean Auradon Prep graduates after 13th grade, not 12th grade. This is possible, especially since it’s a prep school and not a typical high school, but in the book, the graduating class are referred to as the seniors. This is a term most commonly used to refer to American students in the 12th grade, or in their last year of undergraduate college (which is usually their 4th year, but for some it’s the 3rd if they come in with a lot of credit, or the 5th, 6th, etc, and students that take more than four years are usually called “super seniors”) So, they could technically be graduates after 13th grade, but the term seniors leads me to believe that it’s 12th grade.

So, if the second movie was them towards the end of 11th grade, and the third movie takes place the summer after 12th grade, this means it’s June/July, about a year and three months after the second movie.

This would make Ben about 17 3/4...so he’s getting engaged at that age, became king at barely 16, and overall has been making very big life decisions at very young ages and I just need someone to check in on him.

Anyways, if you have different ideas about all this, let me know! This is a very United States centric way of looking at things, but I think it’s kinda implied that they follow roughly the same standards of things in Auradon because you know, they’re also the USA on top of that, a lot of the team behind the movies are from the U.S. so they likely used what they knew with making these.

#descendants #descendants 2 #descendants 3 #ben descendants #ben florian #benjamin florian #king ben #ugh honestly just protect this boy #he needed to be on a kid leash on the isle he did NOT need to be king at barely 16 and get engaged at not even 18

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stories-mostly · 5 years

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Stark's Bug

Tony Stark x Son!Reader

=Masterlist=

Guess what? I'm back with another chapter! And also had a revelation when writing but it had nothing to do with writing. It's just that I realized that mammoths weren't mammoths to the people that lived with them is all. Blew my mind straight out the window. Anyway, enjoy.

Words: 2764

Warnings: none

Chapter 19

So turns out that letter your teacher gave you to hand your dad was an invitation for a parent teacher conference so now you and your dad were sitting opposite Mrs Foster who was going on over your grades and work. She was saying that she had been giving you more difficult work that was for 4th graders and above to test her theory.

You were extremely under challanged with the second grade material. And understood more advanced materials with ease. Meaning now you should seriously consider what to do now. And there really were just two options. Skip a grade or be given more advanced courses and material while remaining in the same grades as your friends.

And with that you and your dad were left to make that decision.

Your dad wasn't a fan of the idea of skipping a grade. He feared that you might not be able to befriend older kids that would be your classmates. Not that he told you that but he's just worried. About everything to be honest but especially things that concern you.

The day after the talk with the teacher he sat you down and explained to you in detail what either thing would do. And left you to form your own opinion.

It was a lot to take in for an almost 8 year old. So you did what sounded coolest to you and your friends. And all of you thought it would be really cool for you to skip some grades.

So you told your dad that you want to skip instead of getting advanced work. The teachers gave your dad lots of the curricular of the 4th grade for you to test your knowledge with. So on weekends and after school you got different homework then your peers. 4th grade math, English and such. To everyone's surprise it was easy and didn't took longer than your usual homework. So one more grade was put on the skip list.

5th grade work was harder and at least gave you a bit of a challenge but it wasn't impossible so arrangements were made that if your grades held up you would be skipping 3rd and 4th grade.

You found that very exciting and worked hard despite school not being challenging at all. And when summer break arrived you were given the clear to skip the next two grades. The next school year you will be in 5th grade.

You won't be changing schools though as your school was both elementary and middle school in one. It was just different rooms.

But you didn't have to worry about that yet. Because it was finally summer break and you could lounge about at home and do whatever the f you want!

You, your dad, Pepper, and Happy were all spending the break in New York for the most part. Because they were planning on building a tower there which is cool in your opinion. Peppers idea. What wasn't so cool however was that you had to spend a considerable amount of time inside of office buildings or the apartment they had rented, as both of them were busy and neither really wanted to go outside in this city and cause a ruckus. So Happy was basically a godsend whenever he was free.

When he didn't have to drive anyone around he spends time with you. You actually got to explore the city because of him.

Today Happy was taking you around Central Park while your dad were in a meeting room discussing the buying of some property where they want to build that tower.

You were meanwhile making friends in the park. And were all around having a much more pleasant time.

You were climbing up a tree near the playground when a boy approached you.

"Woah you're really high up!" The boy pointed out. And you were. The branches were getting thinner though so you couldn't climb much higher.

"You're really good at climbing." He pointed out and you responded with a polite "Thank you."

Making your way down you jumped off the last branch and landed infront of the kid.

"My name is Y/n, do you wanna play together?"

"Yes! What do you want to play?" The boy responded in high pitched happy tone, not giving you his name.

The two of you wandered back onto the playground and dug as deep a hole into the sand as possible together.

"Its like a tiger trap." The boy mused and your head lit up with an idea.

"We can cover it up like a trap!" You stood up, wiped the sand off your legs and ran off looking for branches and leaves. Just like in TV.

You told the other boy to do the same and put it next to the hole. Together you covered the hole with sticks, then threw on the leaf litter and topped it off with sand.

It was still clearly visible if you looked for it, but from above it just looked like an average little sand mount.

"Now we only have to wait for tigers to smell the meat." The boy said as he placed a rock on top of the mount as a lure.

"We better hide." You pointed out and the two of you ran off the hide behind a tree to wait for the tiger to come.

And the tiger came. But not like you'd have expected. Happy, who had been reading something on his cell phone before looked up and realized you were gone out of his sight.

He jumped to his feet and looked about the playground not noticing the newly covered up hole in his search for you. With one step he broke the twigs and branches and his foot disappeared into the hole.

You bust out giggling as you ran forward to shout about the tiger being captured.

The boy was more shocked, he seemed flustered and apologetic towards your uncle.

"Are you hurt sir?" He asked shyly expecting the worst.

"No kiddo it's fine. That's a nice trap you two build there. Can you fill it back up so nobody else falls in?" He directed the last question at you. You sighed, nodded and got to work. The boy joined you and soon enough the hole was no more. Happy gave you a thumbs up at that and you turned back to your new friend.

"Eugene, it's time to go." It sounded from the benches not even 10 minutes into your new game. A younger looking woman was waiting there looking over the playground.

You turned your head to see which one of the kids were going when your friend started to leave.

Oh, so his name was Eugene.

You followed him to, what you assumed was his mother. Not really ready to have him go yet.

"Do we have to?" Eugene sulked but was beside her non the less.

"Yes, your mother said she'll meet us at the zoo in 15 minutes. So we have to go now."

"You're going to the Zoo?" You chimed in grinning.

"Yes, what's your name?" The lady who was not his mother asked.

"Y/n, and you?"

"Just call me Claudia. Yes, we're going to the zoo. Are you alone here? Where are your parents?"

"My uncle is right there."

She asked you a few more polite questions a person might ask to entertain a strangers child.

"We have to go now. Eugene be nice and say Goodbye to your friend." She finally said and pushed said boy forward a little. He hugged you a bit too tightly and waved to you as he left. Being polite you waved back.

So that's that.

With a sigh you turned to Happy who was now writing something in his phone. How boring. You wished you had your costume so you could play superhero.

Now that Eugene was gone you didn't know what to do with yourself. So you did the next logical thing and plopped yourself down next to Happy and stared off I to the abyss.

"You ready to leave?" Happy asked after putting away his phone.

"Yeah."

And so you both stood up and started walking along a nearby path. As you were walking Happy pulled up his arm to look at the watch on his wrist.

"We still have about an hour to spare. What do you wanna do?"

A lightbulb went off in your head and your whole demeanour changed in an instant.

"Can we go to the zoo?"

"The zoo? Sure." So Happy being the all knowing person he is turned and steered you in the direction of the central park zoo.

After paying you sprinted from exhibit to exhibit looking to spot as many animals as you could and maybe even spot Eugene again.

Happy could barely keep track of you in the crowds of people. It was summer vacation so lots of people were visiting the small zoo.

For the next animals you walked into a building. Happy however walked past it not having seen you enter it. You were oblivious to his absence and stared at the cute lil snake in it's big terrarium.

When you reached the exit you turned to see how far Happy was lagging behind you. When you saw that he wasn't. Now you were small and he could be just behind some tall people so you waited a little thinking he'd come eventually.

But he didn't. So you panicked. Much like Happy who was backtracking to where he last saw you. Just a few seconds after he passed the exit you came out looking like the scared kid you were.

You were already thinking about how you'd get to the apartment on your own. You sort of know the way, but only barely. And the address was out of the question.

You wanted to cry, but you knew that that wouldn't help. And also you didn't like crying in the first place, much less in public. So with a blurred vision you pushed past groups and families in a blind search for your uncle.

Meanwhile he was debating whether calling the police right now was a bit too early. What about your dad? He would have his head if something happens to you.

You passed the seal enclosure and climbed up on a bench trying to see over the crowd, looking for any sign of the one person that could save you in this situation. Your family and teacher had told you what to do in the case you were in but in your panic everything flew out the window. The whole "stay put" "find a family and ask for help" "find an employee/Police officer" wasn't coming to mind right now. All that was on your mind was that you were alone and scared and in a city that you didn't know.

A woman looked in your direction and frowned. She saw the distressed look on your face and came over tugging along a boy not much younger than you. Followed by an adult man.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" She asked prompting you to look to her. She saw the tears building in your eyes and knew what happened.

"I can't find my uncle." You said your voice wavering dangerously, confirming her suspicion.

"Sit down sweetheart. What's your name? Mine's May." She said softly laying her hand on your forearm.

"Y-Y/n."

"Alright Y/n, do you know what your uncles name is? What does he look like?" The man now asked, he was crouching down in front of you.

The boy sat down on the other side of you, obviously concerned.

"His na-me is, is Happy but that's not his real name," you explained as the almost crying hiccups in your breath started, "His real name is, is Harold Hogan. And hes taller- than you and chubby. Wi-th brown hair that is short."

May was taking mental notes, the guy sounded sort of familiar.

"And what's your full name, sweetie?" She asked.

"(Full/n)-Stark." You said as the damm finally broke. You wanted to go home, you wanted your dad, you wanted to not be here right now. It was all to much and you just let it out as the younger boy patted your back.

May had been stunned speechless by your name but called into action as your cries reached her ears.

"Shhh, shhh, baby it's alright, well find him don't worry." As she consoled with words she also pulled you into her arms. This was just supposed to be a nice afternoon with Peter and her Husband and now it turned into a rescue mission for a celebrity's child. But you were a child first, and a very scared one at that.

As your sobs quieted down she had made a decision on how to find the man.

"Y/n, are you alright to stay here for a moment? I'll go look for your uncle and you stay here with Ben and Peter, okay?" She pointed at the two people who had accompanied her respectively to show which ones which.

You nodded reluctantly and leaned against the back of the bench. Now with a red nose and slightly puffy eyes.

"Peter, you look over him okay?"

The boy, Peter nodded dutifully and took your hand and started talking after May had left.

"Are you okay now?" His voice was full of concern.

You nodded.

"Do you want some water?" Ben now asked and held a bottle towards you.

"No, thank you."

It was silent for a moment. None really knowing what to do.

"Okay, let's talk about your day then shall we?" The adult tried again, attempting to keep your mind from worrying thoughts, "What did you do today?"

"I was at the Playground. And I played with a boy named Eugene."

"That's nice, me and Peter made breakfast together today. Right Pete?"

"Yeah! We made bug pancakes to surprise aunt May," the boy beamed, " They were bigger than my face and we put syrup and strawberries and stuff on them! Do you like pancakes?"

"Yeah. But I never eat them with strawberries."

"Why not? They're tasty like that!"

"Because Pepper is allergic and so we can't have them incase the strawberry stuff gets on other stuff. It's called cross contamination and it's dangerous if you're allergic."

"That sucks!"

"Hey!" Ben chimed in at that kind of language.

"Do you at least like Strawberries?"

You shrugged. They weren't your favourite but definetly not the worst.

May looked around herself quickly spotting an employee of the zoo. But before she could approach them for help a better option walked into her vision. The man himself looking around panicked, trying to spot the small lost child in the crowd.

"Excuse me!" She half shouted and jogged over to him.

"Excuse me are you maybe looking for a little lost boy?"

Happy's head turned up with a mixture of relief and confusion.

"Yes! Hes about this big, (colour) hair, wears a Blue T-shirt with a lion on it. His name is Y/n."

"That's him, I found him looking for you over there, follow me."

"Oh my God, thank you so much! I can't tell you how grateful I am that you found him!" Happy followed her to the bench were you were animatedly talking with the young boy over various breakfast foods.

"Y/n!"

You perked up at the familiar voice. Before you could even process that your uncle was there you were already swooped up into a hug. Happy visibly relaxed having you back on his radar. With a sigh he put you back on your feet and took your hand in his.

"I don't know how I can thank you Mrs...."

"Parker, and it's nothing really. I'm sure anyone would have done the same." She waved him off.

Happy contemplated before coming up with a thank you thing to do.

Next thing you know you're holding hands with Peter and eating some ice cream together with the three adults.

Peter had taken your other hand as soon as Happy started to walk towards the ice cream vendor and was now talking about everything and nothing inbetween licks of strawberry flavoured ice cream as you wandered through the zoo together. Closely followed by Happy, May and Ben, who you felt very uncomfortable adressing with their first name.

Half an hour later the ice cream long finished you parted ways with the Parker family having turned the bad thing into something great. You've also learned a lot about Peter. Apparently he really likes both animals and Superheroes and was fumbling with excitement when you told him that not only did you have a pet but you also had a superhero dad.

On the ride home you gushed very excitedly to Happy about the boy and his interests. Your new friend was so cool in your opinion even if he was a year younger.

Peter was doing the same on his ride home. Not being able to comprehend that he just met the kid of Iron Man! Who kept a crayfish as a pet! Who does that? He just met someone who did. And he didn't even know he was gonna meet him again not all that long into the future.

Tags: @shannonr2003 @art-estrange @tater-thotties @tonystanktheirondad @gaylemonshark @emilaa2001 @kindahadeschild @actualcringetm

#male reader #male!reader #m!reader #tony stark x m!reader #tony stark x child!reader #tony stark x you #tony stark x reader #tony stark x male reader #tony stark x male!reader #reader insert #marvel reader insert #tony stark #child!reader #child reader #stark!son #stark!reader #starks bug #chapter 19

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trisockatops · 6 years

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Written for the new Nonbinary and Generally Not Binary blogging carnival @carnivaloutsidethebinary with the August topic Questioning and Exploration.

A blogging carnival is a blogging event where bloggers take turns hosting topics surrounding some general theme and anyone who feels inspired can respond. This carnival is specifically about Outside the Binary Genders.

So here’s my story of how I came to identify as nonbinary and genderqueer.

Chapter 1: Cis

I both never thought a lot about gender and thought a lot about gender. Thanks to a heavy dose of internalized misogyny, sometime in elementary school (4th and 5th grade, I think), I stopped wearing dresses. I associated femininity with weakness. I wasn’t ashamed to be a girl, but I didn’t want to be seen as weak and associated being girly with being weak. I avoided the color pink altogether. I never wore makeup.

In late elementary or early middle school, I have a specific memory of going to local amusement park with my cousins. I was wearing an oversized gray tee and had my hair cut short (I had my hair long until 5th grade and then loved how freeing and light short hair was; I am a creature of comfort above all else and long hair is too time consuming for me). My boobs hadn’t really grown in yet (not that they ever got that large, thankfully). We stopped at some snack truck, probably for something like dippin’ dots. And the man running the food truck referred to me as “sir”. And I was in a foul, hateful, depressed mood for the rest of the day. I didn’t want to dress any differently but I HATED being thought of as a boy.

It wasn’t until mid to late high school that I finally came to the realization that being human meant being comprised of both feminine and masculine parts and that this was okay. I experimented with wearing skirts and allowing myself to come in contact with the color pink. I still never wore makeup and didn’t really get into dresses. But I was more more happy and at ease with who I was.

During HS, I also started to become a blossoming little feminist reading about and standing up for women’s rights. I also met someone trans (binary), who I became really good friends with.

I was secure in being a woman, though, and very proud to be one. I never questioned my gender. Or maybe I just didn’t really know I could?

At some point, as we all began maturing, there was a disconnect between my experiences and those of my friends. As an asexual, though, that was something very common to me and, considering a lot of the disconnected experiences had to do with sexual interactions to which I was pretty oblivious of, it seemed and even still seems like that could at least be a part of it. But I’ll get into this a little bit more next.

Chapter 2: Questioning

Just as I was entering college, I got into an abusive relationship that lasted my entire bachelor’s experience. I finally escaped my last semester (I went for 4.5 years).

Turns out that you work hard to hold things together while you’re being abused because you have no other choice. I thought I would be fine. I could just finally be free. I could do things again. Maybe I could even be happy again? Instead, depression that I’d suffered from ever since early HS came crashing back down on me tenfold. I had a lot of unprocessed baggage that I hadn’t even known I’d had. It was a long, hard period of inner turmoil and distress and severe self-hatred for me, coming to terms with what I’d been through.

I know questioning is never easy. It’s frustrating and confusing. You doubt who you are. It’s just a haze of wtf and never really knowing or understanding anything and not even being able to voice how you’re feeling. If not because it wouldn’t be accepted than because you simply don’t even know how you’re feeling, so how the heck are you supposed to be able to explain that?

But my questioning came on during an already intense bout of confusion in working out the trauma I’d endured and how to continue living after it. Now, I had begun expanding my feminism by researching other bigotries. I’d heard of being nonbinary and had precursory knowledge of what it meant, but it wasn’t until after I escaped my abuser that I felt pulled to learning more about it. I followed a lot of nonbinary blogs trying to figure out what it was and what it meant and how it felt. And somewhere along the line, questioning how I felt about my gender started slipping in with questioning how and why to go on living.

Like a lot of people, I doubted myself and what my feelings, which were vague and undefined, actually meant. I had never questioned my gender before. In fact, I had felt solidly like a girl and had been proud of it. Was that a lie or was this a lie? And my abuse complicated things. Was I just feeling this way because I was traumatized and dissociating? I was definitely dissociating, specifically from my genitalia and my body. At the time, I never connected this with it possibly being dysphoria. For me, it was just a reaction to my trauma. But was I just rejecting who I was in order to cope with what I’d been through? Was I just faking this gender confusion? Was I an intruder? Was I just trying to be more special?

Yet I couldn’t stop reading and researching and looking up new terms. I believed I was faking and intruding but... I didn’t want to be.

One day i came across a post by someone talking about how they were nonbinary afab and one of the signs looking back that should have been a sign was that they’d never really experienced street harassment. They weren’t catcalled like their friends and family were. They’d never felt the need to walk to their car with their keys between their fingers or call a friend and tell them to expect their call when they finally got home.

It was the first post about being nonbinary that I connected with and related to. I wanted to cry. That was me. That was one of the huge disconnects between my experience and that of other women’s. I clung to that post, that other person with this shared experience that could potentially mean I wasn’t just an invader. That maybe there was a reason I was so conflicted and in internal uproar.

Still doubting and confused and coping with my trauma, though, I soldiered on. I waited to have that perfect moment of clarity, that spark of recognition, that magical moment where I read a gender term and everything fell into place.

But nothing ever clicked.

I found and reblogged dozens of terms that... just weren’t me. I found and reblogged a few that were really close. But... something just wasn’t perfect. Didn’t feel right. Nothing ever fit like a custom glove. They were nice terms. Good terms. But they didn’t seem to be mine.

After months (maybe half a year or more) of questioning and researching and struggling... I was tired. I had compartmentalized a lot of my trauma. I was ready to think about other things.

I decided to stop torturing myself trying to find that perfect term that may never come. I basically raegquit questioning. I chose to identify as nonbinary and just leave it as that. Even through the doubt, the fear, the unknowing confusion.

Chapter 3: Nb & Gq

Three or so years later, I was talking to someone I’d met in an exercise class. I don’t remember how it came about, but he was sharing and I think he was telling me about going between periods of asexuality and hypersexuality, and so I shared that I was asexual and (now) aromantic (caedromantic, actually), which led to him coming out as agender. I excitedly stumbled over telling him I was much the same, that I was nonbinary. We talked about how this felt to each of us and how we expressed it. It was the first time I’d ever said I was nonbinary out loud. And that’s what made me realize that somehow, slowly, over time, I’d actually come to really identify with and as nonbinary. It took years, but I’d finally accepted and come to terms with being nonbinary.

That was a huge revelation to me. It was such an exciting moment. I don’t know when or where it’d happened but it seemed to have just happened over time by giving myself a little time and patience.

After that, I began participating more in online nonbinary communities. In doing so, I heard and learned more about being genderqueer. I was also learning more of the queer community in general (after closing in a decade of never feeling a part of the LGBTQIAP+ community since I dealt with it mostly online and gatekeeping efforts have only become louder and louder). I liked the meaning and statement. I feel connected to nonbinary, but I have since also begun identifying as genderqueer as well. To me, they mean different things that I relate to in different ways. They’re both meaningful to me, though it has taken a couple more months to understand what each of these labels and identities mean and how they relate to me.

Unfortunately, I still haven’t come out to anyone but that one agender person, but I now know better who I am. I am sure there are more discoveries and understandings to be made. I am happy to finally be in a place where I can look forward to these future revelations rather than just being frustrated at not understanding. I learned to let go and that the experience is more important than the label.

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eveshappyplace · 4 years

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Considerate vs Fake Friends

The difference between real friends and fake friends

Friends come and go, for most that is hard to accept. The reasoning is simple, so new friends can enter your life who have a purpose in the current chapter of your life. Some might think that all their current friends are their friends for life, turns out that is wrong, you will have many friends that come and go. If you are lucky, you have your best friend that you've known and continued to hang out with since kindergarten. During the many stages of life, you meet great people that influence you to be better, and some people that you think are great but in reality, are a bad influence on you. When you are little about 4 to 11 years old, you think everyone is your friend and you get along with everyone which is great. When middle school starts that is when situations start to change, friends drift apart and you find new friends and start to notice who your real friends are. The transition between friendships goes on throughout life and a majority of friendships end after highschool because after all, some friendships are formed entirely because of school. Friends are hard to let go of depending on the situation and that is completely understandable. (Fair warning I’m going to start ranting!!)

Considerate Friends

I referenced knowing your best friend since kindergarten. I’ve known my best friend for about 14 years, I don’t remember exactly when we met but our mothers have told us the story of how we met in a dance class at about 4 years old. To be truthful, both my best friend and I can both say that we will don’t remember much of the dance class, just being in the same first-grade class a couple of years later. We were also in the same third-grade class and then after that was history pretty much. All the memories we've made together, during our school days as well as the time since being graduated from highschool. My favorite memories start when we met in first grade, between first grade and sixth grade I was a cheerleader and my best friend joined me in cheer around 4th grade. We never made varsity but we sure made many memories. I enjoyed the routines we had but I don’t remember them too well anymore. It’s an underestimation how much we love sushi and coffee, not at the same time but still. We would get endless amounts of sushi before binge-watching shows on Netflix and hours of Youtube videos about abandoned places. We’ve gone to many festivals together and even went on a few day trips together such as Six Flags and her first time going to Olive Garden. Also, we went to Woodfield Mall a couple of times and we need to go again soon. We’ve started a podcast together as well, involving: trending internet topics, history, and music.

I met another best friend of mine in 5th grade, we met in Girl Scouts and she was a year behind me in school, she was extremely shy when we first met but after 7 and a half years, that has all changed. We’ve been through so much in 7 years and always found our way back to each other. My favorite memories start when we were little, I still have a majority of our old pictures together. One memory that sticks out from the rest besides meeting, would be playing Minecraft on our phones and building forts together; in fact, we still to this day make forts because we enjoy it. I do wish that we had our old Minecraft worlds stored somewhere, hopefully, her old iPad still has them. I asked her about her favorite memory of us together, she told me it was when we first met, and when I showed her Minecraft for the first time. This is a bit embarrassing to admit but I had an obsession with Minecraft sheep, it was more of an inside joke with her than anything. I’m over the obsession part but still to this day it’s an inside joke and we still joke about it, even now she asks if I’ve found a black-colored sheep. We’ve gone to a few festivals together in town but not too many. We haven’t hung out much recently because of life but I still speak with her often. She’s never switched up on me but we’ve had times where we talk to each other less, it’s never intentional but it just happens. I included below in fake friends about one of her toxic friends she had.

I met another friend in 5th grade as well although we didn’t become close until around 6th grade I believe. I started to often spend time with her in 7th grade, we didn’t see each other much because of distance between houses and usually she was busy which I understood. We talked often in between visits and at school when we could. My favorite memory with her is probably going to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens on New Years Day and also the Fall Festival here in town. We haven’t gone to many places together recently but we did hang out at my house.

Fake Friends

These friends I speak of above. They mean so much to me I could go on forever about each one but like everyone else I’ve had fake friends too. Two in particular have stood out in my past. I met both of them when I was young. Around 10 years old I met them both but at different times. Both of them were good friends until then end when they decided to show their true colors.

The first one in particular I could tell you everything she accused me of but when she asked if she needed to keep going with reasons we aren’t friends anymore, I let it go and didn't text her anymore. I didn’t care. Most of what she accused me of i don’t remember it being how she put it. I have a different phone now from when I last messaged her but I’ll include a couple of the major ones.

She said I forced her to buy me a birthday gift when she “had no money”. What really happened is, I said “It would be nice if you did but you don't have to since I understand you are low on funds”

I had plans one day and the same day, she asked to hang out so immediately I informed her I had errands to do and mom and I might go to lunch as well, she didn’t seem bothered by it. Later she tells me I “forced” her to pay with money she didn't have.

The second one is a bit different than the previous friend but still, I am sure there are some similarities. Also like the previous friend she was a good friend until the end when she showed her true colors. What stands out to me about her is that she was so shy and kept to herself quite often. Years later when we met up again, (because of schedules and excuses) I at first was so happy I got to finally spend time with her in person after so long, but years later things had obviously changed. She still was nice but I could tell she acted differently from the last time I saw her, she had changed so much which I was proud of until I realized she started to not take my advice, didn’t listen to me and ignored my ideas. First couple days she stayed with me it was nice and we painted our nails and watched movies. The leftover days she stayed, she slept, I didn’t think much of it until the next time she came over, same thing happened. She was thankful she got to spend time with me but when my mom and I dropped her off she showed absolutely no emotion and didn’t text me again saying she had a good time, she went on to ignore me for the next 3 days or so. I pondered over the long conversations we had with my mother about her past and within that time the friend seemed to listen but who knows if she truly took my mother’s advice. I’ll never know. As I type this she’s taken care of a few important things but it will take a while for her to earn my trust back, maybe not even at all. She supposedly thinks the world of me but yet she’s lied and left out so much about her life that I didn’t know what to believe anymore.

The important point about fake/toxic friends is most of the time you can spot it from a mile away but not so much when they have such seemingly good intentions at first, it’s sometimes hard to decipher whether or not they are truly a toxic friend.

I’d like to include another story that is not mine but I got permission to write it here. My friend who I met in 5th grade during Girl Scouts whom is on the considerate side, had a toxic friend and she said I could include her story too. My friend had switched schools because of her situation which I had no problem with, she made a few friends and I was super happy for her! Although this one friend of hers in particular she did EVERYTHING with, which is true, I’m not jealous or anything she would agree that they did a lot together. Anyway, she came to me and said: “She’s insulting me”, so I stepped in and asked why the friend did such a thing. She was more specific and said the friend insulted things she did such as hang out with friends other than her. My friend had said also that it was like her friend was trying to take her away from her family, because she spent so much time with her friends family versus her own. She was selfish in such a way that she would sabotage the relationships my friend had with her other friends and family. Additionally, the friend influenced my friend in many unnecessary situations, such as smearing tuna in someone's car.

I 100% realize I turned an informative article into a rant, but for me I’d rather describe what I experience so people understand the difference between considerate versus fake friends.

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shorilicious · 7 years

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Sexy Zone – Dream!

Q1. What did you dream recently? Shori: Fuma-kun came into my dreams. For the tour Fuma-kun and me were thinking about the order in which our songs will be played and I was praising him like „That’s really good“ (laughing). I want to tell that to the person himself directly but because I won’t do it (in reality), I was being honest in my dream. I guess it was reasonable to say it.

Sou: Ryucheru-san came to my dreams and gave me various counsels about life. Moreover, while he was listening to my story, he was earnestly giving me positive opinions. Since I had that dream and he was a very nice person, I really want to meet Ryucheru-san (laughing). Also, I often dream about animals. It’s dogs and capybaras and koalas... I’m playing with various animals. This might be my wish. Since I’m always thinking „I really want to keep an animal“.

Marius: I became an animal (laughing). I don’t remember exactly which one but it was a dog and a bird. Because I was seeing things from the animal’s point of view, for example when I became a bird, I could see the scenery from up in the sky. It felt really good.

Fuma: I dreamt someone was bitten by a tiger. A tiny cute tiger toddled and someone who discovered him hugged the tiger. Then suddenly he vigorously bit and it wasn’t easy to let go. But that was a nice dream. If you’re having a good dream or not, I guess you have to judge yourself (laughing). By the way before that, I saw a really beautiful scenery in that dream. Maybe that place is somewhere overseas but at evening and night... it was like the so-called magic hour at night. In that very beautiful scenery I’m going from building to building with a Tarzan-like rope. The wind that I felt on my body that time was very pleasant too. Anyways the scenery was so beautiful that I was so moved I felt like crying.

Kento: Because I’m having a lack of sleep recently, I didn’t dream anything. But on the other hand, I’m having days that feel like dreams right now. I’m filming something for work I really like, I’m doing a great national tour. A dream like that, I could watch it forever.

Q2. What do you do before you go to sleep? Shori: I take a bath and refresh myself. After that I prepare myself for bed and go to sleep. But when I’m not really sleepy I watch various movies and dramas on my mobile phone. So when I get sleepy I press the stop button even when I’m halfway through, turn off the lights and go to sleep. Currently I’m watching foreign dramas. Although I’m curious about the unfolding of the drama’s story, I will go to sleep when I’m sleepy and not continue watching it for the night.

Sou: After taking a bath I drink a carbonated juice. Then, I get in bed and watch some videos and when I get sleepy I go to sleep... it’s like that. What I often watch before sleep are dance videos. Seeing clips of various dancers, I also study them. When I can’t sleep well I take a deep breath. I don’t listen to music at all, I close my eyes in a silent room and breathe deeply until I become sleepy.

Marius: Skin care. Recently I use two types of face lotions and after that I also use a beauty serum. When I’m not sleepy, I listen to music to fall asleep. I listen to classical music like Mozart and Beethoven or ballads. I listen to a lot of songs that make me feel relaxed.

Fuma: I take a bath, dry my hair, brush my teeth, sleep... it’s simple. If I have any messages on my mobile phone, I will reply to them before going to bed but other than that I’ll sleep immediately without doing anything in particular. Since I’m the type who falls asleep instantly as soon as I get into my futon.

Kento: Recently I’ve been shooting the „Kokosake“ movie (released 7/22), so I often just pass out when I go to sleep. The harshest case was when the shooting ended early and I went to eat sushi with everyone from 7PM onwards. Before that, I fell asleep for about two hours while lying flat down on my bed. When I woke up and looked into a mirror, I had a kabuki-make-up-like trace on my face and looked like a completely different person! It was embarrassing but I still went to the sushi shop (laughing). Usually I change into a bathrobe, instead of a humidifier I have hot water run in my bathtub and I listen to the sound of a mountain stream, since I want to sleep with that perfect setting. So, I use an eye mask, a herb fragrant spray and put a cooling gel on my forehead and go to sleep. That is my perfect way to sleep.

Q3. What was your dream as a child?

Shori: A fire engine (laughing). During elementary school times I was writing down something like that. Maybe I was aiming to be popular? Therefore I think I really wanted to be a firefighter. I don’t really remember my motive but it’s a job that saves people’s lives after all. Wearing a firefighter’s clothes, drive the fire engine and using the hose at work, I guess I was longing to do all that. Later on I was interested in automobile manufacture and I dreamed of becoming an engineer to design and make cars.

Sou: A policeman. Like SAT (Special Assault Team) or SP (Security Police). Because in elementary school I liked guns and such things, I thought equipment like that was really cool. I came to like SP because I watched Okada (Junichi)-kun’s drama „Security Police“. After that there was also a time when I wanted to become a patissier once. Since originally at school I liked home economics and art classes, I liked creating things. Since both elements are there, I wanted to work as a patissier. However, I’ve seen what it’s like having a pastry shop on tv and seeing that it’s a really tough world, I knew that I couldn’t do it with a half-hearted feeling so I gave it up (laughing).

Marius: Entering the Takarazuka Revue. Since I was little, my mum took me with her to see her performances on stage. With that influence, when I was six or seven years old I thought „I want to stand on the Takarazuka stage as well“. I was okay with either a male or a female role (laughing), I just wanted to be on that glamorous stage. After that, there was a time in elementary school when I thought I wanted to be a politician. Since my older sister is a smart person she said things like „I want to change the world!“. She somehow had the appearance of a politician, so I thought „Well, I also want to become a politician“ (laughing). I guess my sister’s dream was also to be a politician.

Fuma: Before I was old enough to understand what’s going on around me, I wanted to be a Kamen Rider. Looking at old photos, I totally transformed into one (laughing). After that my first real dream was to become Arashi! Just when Arashi debuted, I was listening to their debut song „Arashi“ a lot, so I think I became infatuated. Then after that I think I wanted to become a professional baseball player when I was in 4th grade of elementary school. I was playing baseball then. In 5th or 6th grade of elementary school I started wanting to become a politician. I think I probably wanted to change some things. And through various dreams like that, I was then like „Ah, it’s Johnny’s after all“. Although I might not be able to be Arashi, I thought I could become something myself, and that’s what I have reached now.

Kento: I wanted to be a Power Ranger! I often transformed in front of my mirror. My present dream is to become an influencer. Because I think it would be nice if I can tell people from various countries what’s important now through my music and work. I realised about 2% of that by now. Once in airplane mode it’s better to preserve the battery (laughing).

Q4. Which event made you feel like you’re dreaming?

Shori: The first time I went to Hawaii. We had to go for a magazine shooting but I was only 14 or 15 at that time and for me personally it was the first time to go abroad, so I was in really high spirits (laughing). The climate in Hawaii is great as well and the sea is pretty. Because we were at a resort and had some free time we could also relax. Moreover, at that time we had a luxurious dinner and I ate a lot of lobster. Thinking about it now, it was a really great experience. I went to Hawaii many times after that and of course it’s fun every time but I could feel all that new excitement only for the first time. Even just thinking back to it now it still feels like a dream.

Sou: When I met Justin Bieber. I went to see his concert and the fans were really enthusiastic, so I was happy just being in that environment. Since I cannot meet foreign artists that often, it feels like their presence is so far away. That’s why when I saw him live, I was like „Ah, he was really there!“, to me it felt like a dream (laughing).

Marius: When everyone was singing happy birthday to me for my birthday at the concert venue. Even this tour in Osaka it was my birthday and everyone started singing but it really felt like a dream. Actually the concert itself felt like a dream. Of course when I stand on stage with Sexy Zone and even when I go to see someone’s concert as a guest, I often think „Ah, somehow it feels like a dream...“. Since concerts are really full of fun and happiness, you surely feel that way. By the way before this, my older brother came to Japan from Germany and also came to see the concert. I was praised and he said „You grew up a lot“. Meeting my brother and being able to talk about such things, I was glad and really happy.

Fuma: When I’m doing a concert. Every moment during a concert I feel happy and like I’m dreaming. No matter how many times I do one, I think I will always feel that way. Also, another dream-like event was at „Music Station“ when I was hugged by Black Eyed Peas’ Fergie. We were in front of the studio and I was on standby, then she hugged me in a natural way and I was really happy.

Kento: When everyone was singing „Congratulations“, „Sexy Zone“ and „STAGE“ at once at our concerts. I was really moved. Filming scenes for my movie also feels like a dream. Everyone is getting along and I got super close to Sato Kanichiro-kun. While I was a college student, Ohno (Satoshi)-kun took me to a scene of a drama that I wasn’t related to and there I met Kanichiro-kun’s father Sato Koichi-san. I remember him being really kind to me. Talking about that story, even when I have days during which I’m struggling hard from the director’s strict love at the production set, even then it still feels like a dream.

Q5. What’s recent? Shori: Since today my work ends in the evening, I’m thinking about what to do after that. It would be nice if I could just relax at home but somehow I want to go eat something delicious, so I think I should go grab some dinner with Matsushima. Now we’re in the middle of our tour, so I often only eat catering food and bentos at the venue. Of course that is also delicious but I would like to eat our for a change. I plan to go with Matsushima but I will be the one to decide where to eat. I will find a delicious place since I’m a genius. However, everyone always relies on me, so sometimes I get tired of choosing a place (laughing).

Sou: There’s a movie I want to see now. Beat Takeshi-san is appearing in that movie, so I’m really excited. I love Beat Takeshi-san and I’ve seen a lot of his works like „Outrage“. Takeshi-san’s acting is so realistic. That’s why it impacts on me and I even feel scared. Since this time it’s not a movie that he directed himself, the taste will be a little different but I’m looking forward to seeing a movie where he plays in as an actor.

Marius: This morning I went for a walk in a park nearby by myself before work. Many cherry blossoms were blooming and it was really beautiful. I took many photos of the cherry blossoms and sent them to a friend in Germany and they replied „No matter where you go in Tokyo, there are many cherry blossom trees everywhere“. Recently I try to cherish my alone time. While doing that and watching the pretty cherry blossoms, it was nice to spend a relaxing morning like that♡

Fuma: We’re doing the tour now, so I’m changing my hairstyle every performance. Last afternoon the hair-dressing liquid made my hair look dried out. So, after standing on stage with that hair, the next time the luster faded.

Kento: After our concerts all the members went to eat ramen and okonomiyaki, it was really fun. Recently it felt like Sexy Zone was sitting on a hard chair, but now it became a soft sofa. I didn’t open up my heart about my own stories until now but it became normal. They are like „Kenty, how is the movie shooting?“. I understand that they care about me naturally. That’s why instead of fighting alone, I would like to make a great team.

Keep in mind I am not a native speaker therefore there might be mistakes in my translations. Also I’m not exactly translating word for word. Feel free to correct me in my ask box any time you want, I’d appreciate it! I apologize if someone already translated something before me and I didn’t notice, I hope you don’t mind.

Credit goes to yoshiko_mama @ LJ for the scans, thank you!

#translation #potato 201706 #sexy zone #sato shori #matsushima sou #marius yo #kikuchi fuma #nakajima kento #翻訳 #セクゾ #佐藤勝利 #松島聡 #マリウス葉 #菊池風磨 #中島健人

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mi-vista · 6 years

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My First Love

Well, I thought it was love. Even to this day I believe that we could be something, but honestly that’s just my wildest dreams. His name is Christian. We were the absolute best of friends roughly since 6th grade. Christian was your typical cool kid guy, all the girls had a crush on him and all the girls wanted to date him. He was CHRISTIAN. Whatever that meant. Anyway, pretty much all of 6th grade we had every class together. Mrs. Bright’s class for math, Mrs. Ruckers class for history- now here is where we split, we both had Mrs. Padilla for English but Christian had her 5th period and I had her 4th, then we had Coach Keefe for P.E. and Mrs. McNeal for Science. We usually sat near each other most of the time but he had his friends and I had mine. Mind you I’m a chubby little girl who never would have imagined a guy like Christian would even be remotely into me, so the fact that we would talk and hang out as much as we did was a complete shock to me. I can’t exactly remember how we became friends but it come back to me. One thing I will never forget though is the last day of 6th grade. I was hanging out in Mrs. Bright’s class, I was sitting next to my middle school friend Brandon, and out of nowhere Christian just kisses me on the cheek. I was confused. I didn’t know what to think. Was it just a dare? I mean he did it kinda fast. So as the person that I am, I didn’t think much of it and I went on. He did write me the sweetest thing in my year book that year though. I won’t forget to [INSERT HERE]!!!

When me and Christian really became good friends had to be out 7th grade year. I remember he would come over every single day after school and we would just hang out all evening. Playing around with my Wii, making stupid videos online, doing dumb challenges like the “Salt & Ice Challenge” or the “Cinnamon Challenge” I really do not know who even allowed that to happen because those were actually dangerous and could really hurt someone. We would make random videos of us singing or dancing together. We would just hang out after school and just have the absolute most fun time.

I remember this one day we were hanging out in the house and I was kinda getting ready for bed. I was brushing my teeth and he mentioned something in the tone of “this is how it would be if we were married” and I remember when he said that it made my heart start beating so fast but as a young dumb insecure kid, I didn’t think much of it and went on with the “joke.”

Mind you, Christian was my biggest crush and my best friend. I didn’t want to lose him from my life though so I kept these feelings to myself and never made any kind of move towards him. For anyone asking “WHY NOT!?!?” Well, give the story some time, you’ll understand me a little better after.

There was this one day where Christian, another friend Anastacio, and I were hanging out in my room. I decided to go to the kitchen to grab some pudding and as I’m coming back and open the bedroom door, they start attacking me with pillows. So out of reflex, I ended up throwing my spoon at Christians face and it hit him under the eye. Oh my, I felt so bad. I really didn’t think that the spoon was going to hit him in the eye, but it was not my fault. I was laughing hysterically while trying to apologize but Christian was so upset he started oicking up all his things and he walked outside, across the street and hung out on the corner for like a good hour or so. When he finally came back in, I fed him some food and we were all on good terms after. The next day when we went back to school he was going to say that he got into a fight but then he ended up just telling everyone that I threw a spoon at his face. Surprisingly, a lot of people came up to me saying that it was a good thing that I did that. Not that it felt like a good thing but I mean, to each their own.

So fast forward to 8th grade. All of a sudden Christian got a little to cool for me. This was the “steezer” phase of the 2000′s and that really wasn’t my style. I called him out on it though and we continued on as friends.

I have yet to mention that Christian is a bit of a womanizer. Like I said, he was Christian and Christian got the girls. I swear it was like every other month he had a new girlfriend and not like these girls were ugly either. He got thr really pretty girls. The girls that I always wished I looked like. Small, petite, cute face, you know, those girls.

Let us skip ahead a bit now. We are entering high school. Me and Christian really went our separate ways there. I went to Helix and he actually went to our “rival” school Mount Miguel. I know right, how much more cliche can this story be. Anyway, we still somehow managed to hang out on consistently but it wasn’t the same. I would still help him with his homework as often as I could but apparently they teach things differently in every school.

So there is this specific memory I had with Christian. It was the summer after freshman year, going into sophomore year. Christians mom was going to be going to Vegas for the weekend. Me and Christian BEGGED our moms to let us have a sleep over at my house. Luckily our moms were cool as fuck and actually let us have the sleep over. It was going to be the coolest weekend evverrr!! Unfortunately, Christian last minute bailed the first night he was going to sleep over to have his own sleep over with his cousin and his friend Alex but whatever. The next day, my mom and I pick up Christian from his house and we end up going to Rosarito for the day. All day me and Christian were just hanging out, eating good food and chillen. At one point my mom and her uncle have to go pay some property bill in some government office, so me and Christian just wait for them to come back in the car. I can’t exactly remember the build up to the conversation, but somehow we got to talking about sex. We are talking about things we would and wouldn’t do with the person that we would be with. Now, ladies and gentlemen, remember at this moment in time I was an insecure young chubby lady. Somehow, someway, Christian. THE CHRISTIAN, asked me, something along the lines of “well would you want to do it... with me?

AND MY DUMB INSECURE TEENAGE ASS SAID,

“Well it’s just cause I’m only 14 and I don’t really want to be able to say that I lost my virginity at 14 years old.”

I mean in hindsight I am actually very smart and logical, but looking back at it. Like if i were who I was today at 14 years old, I would definitely be doing the dirty with him, shit at least some first base stuff, but that’s not the case. Plus I genuinely was not ready for sex. I was a baby, I didn’t know what I would have gotten myself into. Sex is a big deal and especially at that age. I’m 20 years old right now and sex is still a big deal.

Anyway, throughout the years Christian did give me signs that he was into me, but I am telling you. I am thee most oblivious person when it comes to flirting and all that shit. I honestly won’t know that you like me until either 1. You tell me or 2. It’s too late for me to realize that you likED me and now its too late for me to do anything about it because you have moved on.

For example, I don’t remember if it was for my birthday or something like that, but he wrote me a letter. It basically said how much he loved me and how much I meant to him (as a friend) and how he wants me in his life forever. But there was this little part of the letter that was kind of like a poem and in that poem vertically and the way that he had had set up, it spelled out “I LOVE YOU” Know being the kind of person that I am, I didn’t think anything of it and moved on. I promise you you guys I really didn’t think anything of it. Oh but do I wish I did. I wish I could have realized what he was trying to tell me, because I promise you, we would have the love of a life time. I loved that boy with all my heart, you guys had no idea.

I watched him date other girls and kiss other girls and love other girls because I thought that was what was making him happy. I thought that he wanted those girls and that he wanted them because it what made him smile. I watched him buy other females things that I would want him to buy me. I watched him kiss other girls the way I wanted him to kiss me. I watched him hold other girls the way I wanted him to hold me. Being his best friend was the absolute hardest thing for me. So this one night I just couldn’t take it anymore. I started writing him a message on Facebook about how much he meant to me and how I have feelings for him and that I am sorry if this messes up our friendship but I just couldn’t do it anymore. When I tell you guys that I was crying my eyes out while I was writing this message, I was CRYIN. MY. EYES. OUT. Then my mom just so happens to walk into my room. She sees that I’m crying and asks why, I tell her and she looks at me like she wants to cry. I just tell her how much I care for him and how much I love him but how I don’t want these feelings to get in the way. She advises me not to send the message because if what I send what I wrote, it could completely mess up or friendship and I would lose him. So I deleted it and kept those feelings to myself. To this day Christian still does not know how i truly feel for him. I will tell him one day though.

I remember when Christian was my main Chambelan for my quincenera and that’s a pretty big deal. He was the main guy that I was dancing with on one of the biggest days in my teenage life and I am so glad it was him. I remember that day I was dressed up in my big ol’ blue dress and he was dressed up in his all white tuxedo, looking all types of nice. BUT he went and forgot to get his stupid hair cut, so he was walking around the party with his big ass head looking like Pauly D oh my *slaps forehead* but honestly that boy could shave his head bald and I would still think he is the finest man on the earth. Anyway, I remember we were sitting next to each other at the table of honor and he mentioned how it felt like it was our wedding day. In my heart I wish it would have been, because that would mean that I were to have had the privilege to marry my best friend that day.

Now here is my least favorite part of the story.

I think it was a little bit into our sophomore year of high school where he met this ugly ass girl. She had the biggest freakin nose, the droopiest eyes, the ugliest smile, and the worst personality I have ever encountered. I won’t mention her name because just the sound of it make me want to vomit. Anyway, for some reason, that I couldn’t tell Christian was just into her. Even though the boy cheated on her in front of me and personally admitted to me that he cheated on her with another female (a couple years into their relationship I might add), they have now been together for the past 4 years. I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to hold him down for what is his longest relationship.

You may be thinking “omg, you’re a bitch, why are you talking mad shit on her” well my fellow readers, she’s a bitch. A couple of weeks into their situationship, she asked Christian “why are you friends with her ?” as if there was something wrong with me. As if I couldn’t fall more in love with this boy, he replied “well she has been my best friend for years and that isn’t going to change. She is a part of my life” or something along those lines. I tried, I really tried, I tried to get along with her but it was like she was immune to smiling or making a fucking friend. This was Christian’s 18th birthday, I believe, I offered to drive us around to look for a present for Christian. We went out to a couple of stores and I decided to buy Christian a WiFi router because the boy needed freakin WiFi at his house but I guess his girl didn’t have enough money or something like that to get him something that he would want. So being the person that I am, I paid for the difference for some speaker that she picked out. To top it off, she was still being a bitch to me after all that. Shit, I want my money back.

So slowly but surely, me and Christian drifted apart. She was taking up his time more and more but there were times where I just wasn’t convinced that he really loved her. For example, this one day I hit up Christian asking him of he’d want to hang out and he was down. So I pick him up and we hang out, get some food or whatever we did, and he mentions that his girl is upset with him. As his bestie of course I ask him “why?” and he goes “well it’s our 1 year anniversary and I’m here.”

I WAS SHOOK

I was genuinely pissed off for her. I would be so mad if my boyfriend of a year wasn’t with me to celebrate our one year anniversary. ESPECIALLY, when it’s the first time he has ever gotten this far with anyone. I told him to go to his girlfriend and he declined claiming he wants to hang out with me. As his friend I didn’t let that slide. I made sure he knew shit like that is important. He hasn’t missed an anniversary since.

Slowly but surely, our friendship deteriorated. He got busy with school and his girlfriend, I got busy with school and my friends. We just kind of drifted. Seeing each other went from a daily thing, to weekly, to monthly. Now I am even lucky if he answers my phone calls. We still talk here and there. He is still with that awful woman. You know, one time he told me that she chased him around her house with a knife. I don’t exactly remember for what, but she did. Crazy bitch. He didn’t deserve that. I mean I’m no angel either, I chucked a spoon at him, but it wasn’t a damn knife.

Honestly though, he doesn’t really deserve me. You know, he would flirt with girls right in front of me. He would talk about cheating on his girlfriends to me. All that ever made me think was “what makes me think that I am so special that he wouldn’t do that to me?” I mean wasn’t the prettiest girl in school. Shit I wasn’t even on the pretty girl radar. I was really more of the “who wouldn’t you fuck” part of the conversation. But anyway, even though we had this “connection” nothing ever made me think that I was someone worth not being cheated on. Maybe he tried to make me feel that way but if he was trying to, he did a really shitty job.

Really looking back at it though, I feel like I actually did stand a chance. I actually think that I made Christian feel something that none of these other girls made him feel. Non-sexually at that. If I were to have known what I know now, things would have went a totally different direction.

I am going to tell you guys a secret though, I still feel like our story isn’t over. Something in the back of my mind still feels like something can happen between Christian and I. Whether it be sex, love, a kiss, whatever. I feel like our story isn’t quite over yet.

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allmymisters · 6 years

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Missed Beats

I was foreign to jazz when I met you, it was only used as a tool to portray coolness at parties. If you had it on vinyl, extra points. It was the millennial equivalent to sneaking Johnny Cash onto the playlist. I didn't know dick about jazz, nor was I really concerned about the amount of pretentiousness I could display. I looked at music the way I listened to art, if it made my ears happy I didn't care. When I met you, I was going through a musical transformation. I had a pretty mixed bag of tunes on my playlist, but I kept mainly to the basics and, as all things men, I wasn't unpredictable with the migration to new musical genres, the latest was the immersion of techno and it's quick omittance after a breakup which would bring me back to---goth, punk, industrial, you know the usual suspects.

When I met you, you had just gotten back from Berklee School of Music in Boston. Apparently the winter there was too much for you and I think you had a healthy fear of the Music Theory class. Much to my newfound happiness, you would be pursuing those endeavors at Virginia Commonwealth University. I honestly had no idea anyone could major in jazz percussion. All I kept imagining was you in a penguin suit at the back of the orchestra banging that really big bass drum --- how silly you looked in that image, but like most things of that time, I was a young adult trying to find her way through ramen, a breakup, and who my BFF was that week.

I had listened to music my whole life. My parents were avid fans, and weekend mornings were filled with the crackle and pop of Motown, the Blues, Zydeco, Latin music, and power ballads...yes, my dad, loves the power ballad, nicely juxtaposed between Glen Campbell and Scott Walker and my mother had a massive crush on Neil Diamond and could sing ABBA's "Fernando" til her voice gave out. The point is, I was no stranger to music, but it was rather routed in my blood from early on.

When I was in third grade I was given the xylophone, made of steel pipes because our school couldn't afford a real one. In 4th grade, I migrated to this little organ my parents got for playing Christmas songs around the house. In 5th grade, I surrendered to peer pressure and joined marching band. We all had to pick which instruments we wanted to play. I did not hesitate in my want to play the drums. I loved the drums. "You can't choose the drums. You're too small for the drums," I was told. My music teacher did not think I was apt enough to carry a snare drum and march at the same time, even though I could place First doing a gymnastics bar routine at the Junior Olympics. "Flute?" He responded with, "No, you don't have the lips for flute and there are a ton of flute players already, how about trombone." I stared off into space on that one. Trombone? How is a girl to look remotely cute carrying a trombone?? It wasn't until I got to the cliche clarinet that the excuses stopped.

So, you wanted to play drums huh? Yeah, I mean who doesn't want to learn drums? Well, I know a good drum teacher if you are ever looking to learn.

And that's where it all began with you and I. Between paradiddles and double flams, I fell in love with you and in love with jazz. You taught me so much about the construction of music. I have never listened to it the same again. We would listen to Miles or Coltrane in your room and talk about different movements in a composition. It fascinated me, as it was "math" I could understand. It wasn't just because I was crushing on you hard, but it deeply changed my listening capabilities. You were a great teacher and it was difficult to have to stop learning. I had discovered that all these "flirtings" I was experiencing were imaginary, for you, I discovered had a very real girlfriend. It was too intimate and romantic for me to be listening to jazz with you and having you teach me proper stick holding technique. I adapted quickly and decided to have a friend who loved music as much as I did and would soon become a fan of your playing instead.

I've always gravitated towards men in bands. It wasn't something I seeked out, but rather a product of my environment. In high school it was skaters and in college it was musicians. Right after we met, I had one break my heart. It was fortunate that his band dissolved shortly after. It made things easier going to their shows because I loved that band. It has been rare, if even at all, that I've dated a band member whose group I didn't like. Ultimately and honestly, I tend to choose music over men. Robert Smith won a place in my heart long before I started dating, and would always be there with every breakup.

During the early 1990s, as emo started taking over the aggressive hardcore scene here, I was getting introduced to some new sounds and your band was no exception. I have to say it was a bit more civilized than the environment I was coming from --- less wifebeaters, more cardigans. I also retreated from said "scene" due to some unfortunate circumstances and it left a very bad taste in my mouth. Let's just say, boys will be boys and I didn't believe in the cause anymore.

I started going to post-punk shows during this time with reunited friends while attending Goth dance night at the local spot. You would casually tell me when you were playing, and I casually made my presence known. You guys were good. You guys were tall. I didn't have to get punched in the stomach listening to you, so that was nice. So there you were, a jazz percussionist in a post-punk band. I asked you about it, what it was that you were aiming to do, and you plainly said, "Play drums." You aspired to be Elvin Jones, but you would have to settle for Matt Chamberlain if you wanted to see any real success. It wouldn't be until a year later that I would learn just how dedicated to your craft you were, but I was your biggest cheerleader from the beginning. I enjoyed watching you play and picking out certain mannerisms that had become quite common in your playing. You were infamous for sticking out your tongue!

You showed me a whole different side of you one night in Bogart's backroom. I got to really see your talent as you sat in with a jazz quartet. You could really play. I was proud of you in ways I'd never been proud of a friend before and although I enjoyed your rock shows, the jazz ones were the ones that got me. A year would have to pass before you and I made any kind of music together and within that, we we found our rhythm.

Emo. The first time I ever heard this term for music was in 1991. The first "emo" band I was witness to were a quartet from New Jersey called Policy of 3. Emotional punk rock. Meh, it had some build to it and instead of barking there was wailing, but I did love it! What music that was deemed "emo" after 1995 was, in my opinion, not emo. Semantics I suppose, but you and I grew up with skateboarding, punk rock and good hip hop, we didn't give the glammed up kiddies any street credit for these things. I think you and I were also entering an age where we were being exposed to new bands constantly. Richmond had become a haven for bands, touring and residing.

You started playing and touring with some notable bands during this time. I never thought that it was serious business. I just thought, all of you guys, in your Vans and corduroys, were having a good time. I know, I was having a good time. I loved going to shows at that time and I love going to see you play. I was always up front, rockin' out and of course always with the perfect outfit. If Gwen Stefani did anything for us girls at the time was allowed us to don chokers, baggy cargos and show off our midriffs or was it us who did that for her?

That year you and I remained close. You kept teaching me, playing for me, exposing me to develop my relationship with music. It was a hard fight not to fall for you. You were smart and I felt more comfortable with you than I did with anyone else. You had become beyond a boyfriend. You had become my friend who I adored and wanted good things for. That was the most resistance I ever allowed myself in my life. I am always the person who visualizes success in her endeavors and I tend to make them happen, but with you, there was something in the way and I respected that.

You entered my bedroom in a huff. My heart literally fluttered at the site of you. Tall, hovering over me. I hugged you and welcomed you home from your cross country trip with your boys. You had sent a postcard or two and inside me, I knew you cared. You handed me a tape.

Listen to this. I made it and put some new music on there for you. Wow, thanks! I gotta go, but hey, have you ever been to New York? What? Um, no, why? We are touring there in a couple of weeks, you guys should come with us.

Before I could answer, the tape was in my hand and you were gone with nothing more than a "Later". How mysterious, and I was kinda upset that you left so quickly. I immediately and religiously listened to that cassette. My roommate came home and I tackled her with the request we go on this mini-tour. She agreed, as she was gaga over the guitar player. I felt like this was one of those moments like in Some Kind of Wonderful, where Keith (Eric Stoltz) is chasing after Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson) because he's realized that he's in love with his best friend, but instead of John Hughes I got Aaron Spelling. New York is another story for another time.

I would soon see you share the stage with Jimmy Eat World, No Knife, Fugazi, Piebald, and other notables of the time. You continued to open up my world musically and I continued to pine wishingly, but as the universe weaves it's plan, we would have to wait for our song to be written. I never missed your band play and it is you who gave me the spectator sport of watching drummers play. I don't listen to jazz anymore, but I still hear you on your practice pad --- Left-Right-Left-Left Right-Left-Right-Right...and the beat goes on.

#missed beats #one for sorrow

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etcetezine-blog · 7 years

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My August-to-May Adventure

Owen Mitchell

Dealing with inept teachers, grimy cafeteria food, and the never-ending supply of idiots isn’t easy. If you’re a middle schooler like me, then every day is a new adventure. So here it is: a documented study of my August-to-May adventure. And by “adventure” I mean crappy experience.

1st Hour: Band

Question: why would you be in band if you hate playing music? Why don’t we ask the rest of my saxophone section, who don’t even try to hide the fact that they hate band. They all share a passion- to hate music. Their goal in class is to play as loud and obnoxiously as possible, talk instead of listen, and ruin songs by getting continuously louder while raising their saxophones up in the air on every long note. What a great way to start the day, am I right?

2nd Hour: French

Our last French teacher, the year before we arrived, had a breakdown in the corner of her classroom and then left the school. Her staying would have been better than what I had to deal with. Madame P. is about 80 years old, five-feet tall, half blind and half deaf. Even with waving your arms in the air and shouting “MADAME” at the top of your lungs she’s oblivious to you. In the hour after us there’s a boy that just walks into the French room, sits down, and starts participating in class discussions. She doesn’t notice. Here are a few of the many miscommunications that go on her class:

MADAME: [indistinct French murmuring and strange hand motions]

TRANSLATION: Everybody stand in a line at the board, then point to one of the pictures and describe it using two adjectives, and don’t say the same thing twice.

Here’s another:

STUDENT: Madame, do you want us to write full sentences or the words that goes in the blank?

MADAME: [frustrated look] I told you, write it on a piece of notebook paper to turn in!

Madame, je suis très désolé, mais vous n’écoutez pas!

3rd Hour: Physical Education

Middle school is a time for discovering yourself and gaining confidence – confidence that is quickly drained by our female PE teacher, who reportedly watches girls while they change in the locker room. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg at Hixson. A Spanish teacher was fired for dealing in prostitution, and a teacher was recently “let go” for watching things he shouldn’t have been watching on his school-issued computer (this was after reportedly sexually harassing a student last year and being allowed to come back after his suspension). Middle school teachers, am I right?

4th Hour: Science

When my science teacher confessed to the class that this was his first year teaching, I knew we were in for a long ride. It’s not hard to tell. Just walk in and look around- there’s a fistfight in the back of the room, nearly everyone is on their phones, and you can’t hear anything over the constant chatter. He can’t gain control of the room. This lead to the principal having to come in and sit in our class for a week (which like her, ended up being ineffective. She was recently fired). My favorite moment from his class is when he gave me and my lab partner a tin cup and told us we could put it on a hot plate. Long story short: Lots of smoke, the hallways smelling like burned tin, and lots of being yelled at by other science teachers.

5th Hour: English

After a blissful lunch break, our adventure leads us to the English room. Most days our teacher doesn’t even talk to us. We just come in, go to “Google Classroom” and do whatever assignment is posted there. Or not- she doesn’t seem to care. Our teacher is nice, which is good. Our teacher hates reading and writing, which is probably not good.

6th Hour: Social Studies

Want to have a private conversation in our social studies class? Think again! Because our teacher believes she can just join in on any conversation around the room. There’s nothing to get a conversation going like a 70-ish year old lady joining in to catch up on the what people posted on their snapchat story.

7th Hour: Algebra

“NO SHARPENING YOUR PENCIL! THE BELL HAS ALREADY RUNG!” is one of the many phrases yelled at us as we walk into the algebra room. By our algebra hour, all the students taking math 8 have made our teacher crabbier and crabbier so that he doesn’t even need an excuse to send someone to the office. Things he also enjoys:

Not teaching us anything, just standing at the board and making us guess until we get a problem right

Yelling about how we're supposed to be an accelerated class should be smarter when we get a problem wrong

Telling multiple people they got the wrong answer, then realizing it was right all along and he was the one at fault, followed by pretending it never happened.

And if you’re struggling or bored? Nothing like a good old “Whoever said negative two please be quiet for the rest of class.” Or him standing at the board repeatedly saying “I’m not doing it” to get you back to paying attention to the ever-fascinating polynomials, exponential functions, or quadratic formulas. But who said he doesn’t like to have fun? He loves playing “the passing time game”, in which the longer you talk, the longer you have to stay in his room for lunch the next day.

Eighth grade has been a year full of adventures. And now I as I get ready enter the next big adventure of my life, high school, I hope I can reminisce about my crazy adventure at Hixson. Plus, I’ve watched 13 Reasons Why, so I’m all prepared for high school!

#owen mitchell #may #personal

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citrus-feline · 7 years

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now i like wanna talk about this, cuz im remembering just how much shit i went through doing homework every night

serious homework probably started in like 4th or 5th grade where we had to read, which i didn’t mind cuz i had like 2 friends and the nonfiction books i read comforted me, but i know it went bad w a lot of other kids.

when we got to middle school the difference was so fucking shocking that i remember i just couldn’t believe it. little me, the lonely shy girl with two friends who was considered a little bit smarter than average, felt herself feeling incredibly fucking worthless over the sheets of papers each night. she tried so hard to do a good job, but it felt like it wasnt doing anything. she started avoiding because all she would get on the pages were her name and tears.

i remember how terrifying my homeroom class in 6th grade was. my homeroom teacher was strict, and would get mad if you didn’t do homework. she was also my math and science teacher, so i couldn’t really... escape her... i remember like. being so scared every time i walked in that classroom. i would freeze up and my eyes would start to water. even if i DID manage with the homework, i knew i wouldn’t get a good grade. because i wasn’t good enough. and thats... really not healthy for a kid to think at such an important time in their life...

it didn’t stop when i entered 7th grade and had new teachers, either. it kept getting worse, actually. so it wasn’t the teacher specifically, it was more so the pressure and amount of work. i was a pretty smart kid, so i could usually manage passing classes by smarts alone, but my inability to effectively do homework hurt my grades a lot. and i tried, every night. i ALWAYS tried. i didn’t give up. i was forced to stop when i couldn’t handle it. i would have near breakdowns every night if i didn’t understand something completely or if it was too much for me. and being so shy and anxious, i couldn’t ask for help. and the very few times i worked up the courage to do it anyways, it always just made me feel worse.

8th grade, oh boy. oh fucking boy was 8th grade GOOD (sarcasm). that’s when math started to become so difficult with the content + workload that i could not even look at it. that was the point where i, for the most part, didn’t do anything outside of class. i tried sometimes, but i felt so stupid not understanding stuff that i would start crying and not be able to read clearly. near the end of the year i started to get stuff together. i made big pushes and put in TONS of extra work to understand what i was missing, because i didn’t think i was going to pass with just smarts that time. it looked impossible, because i didn’t know most of the stuff in the first place. so i did a SHIT TON of work; most of which i finished several missing homework assignments within one night, i specifically remember spending HOURS working on it. i stayed up until about midnight working and barely took any breaks. now, keep in mind, my main reason for doing this? fear. fear of being worthless. fear of failing and not being able to live with that. so, i did the work. for hours and hours until i was so tired that i had to stop. and when i came to class the next day to turn it in, we were cleaning our binders out. you see, in my EXTREME SLEEP DEPRIVATION, i made the horrible mistake of throwing out the work i spend all fucking night working on. and when i realized this, i started freaking the FUCK out. see, i was a kid who usually kept to myself unless i was with a friend. so me having such a serious meltdown in front of my entire math class? not fucking normal. i rummaged in the recycling bin for minutes, starting to cry and shake in front of the entire class cuz the bin was at the front of the room. and my teacher? she looked like she thought i was lying with every fiber of my being. i had NEVER shown her that much emotion, let alone the people in my class, and yet i bawled my eyes out so hard that i was taken out of the room. i got zero credit for the stuff too. im pretty sure i just barely passed with a low D. i had some similar experiences with my social studies class, but thankfully i retained the information in class much better so i passed fine.

each year it would get worse and worse. freshman year was the year i first hurt myself. it was for no reason other than punishing myself for my lack of worth. after that i finally started getting some professional help, so the experiences weren’t as easy to pick out, but i still remember the FEELING of just EXISTING and how awful i felt about it. walking the halls in high school was the most horrible feeling, especially if i didn’t have friends with me. i would silently think about everything wrong with me. i would even try to silence my footsteps if it was quiet because i didn’t want other students to hear my weight, of all fucking things. with all of this, homework was still an issue. i tried a lot of different things. different ways to organize, study, etc. and the constant changing both hurt and helped, in many different ways.

i thought after a while i had figured it out, and i wouldn’t be bothered anymore by it, but WHOOP SENIOR YEAR!!! FINISHING MY DEPRESSING ANXIETY FILLED SCHOOLING WITH A BANG!! my depression got so severe my second semester of senior year that i skipped almost every class that i didn’t need to pass in order to graduate. i switched to online classes with english classes. and with the finance classes i decided “i need to go to school at least a little so i should keep this” and oh boy was that an interesting choice. like the fiasco w 8th grade math, i had trouble with finance. especially because if you missed a day of class, you missed an entire core lesson and had to catch up on your own. thankfully our teacher understood that was hard and gave us review days a lot for us to ask questions, so through other people asking questions, i had my own questions answered for the most part. but there was still shit i didn’t get. and he was a nice teacher, he tried to help and coordinate with me to get things done. the problem was that i had to be there for so much of it. if it was all online, i would have been fine. but i missed quizzes and tests that had to be monitored to ensure i didn’t cheat using the internet or my phone. and motivation for me? super super low. the worst it had ever been (saying that in past tense cuz recently my motivation has been so low that i havent even gotten out of bed most days but thats besides the point)....... i barely passed it, in the end. i didn’t even know if i would graduate or not, to be honest. i was so close that i knew if i did bad enough on my final, it might drag me down the small amount between passing and failing. i like started crying with relief when i saw my name on the list of graduating students.

anyways this was really long. but. school was fucking tough for me. i tend to just think about the most recent years but i’ve had serious issues with school since i was a kid. when the workload got to be too much, i started to break down. and with each year, it got heavier and heavier. i never really had much of a childhood in the first place cuz of my lack of my mom, so having the rest of the waning about being taken from school really drove that knife in deep.

i like sincerely believe that i will always have issues because of what happened in school. like, yeah, i’d probably still have my mental illness even if things weren’t like that, but would my self worth still be so fucking low? i kinda doubt it. i honestly feel like i would be a much happier person if i didn’t go through so much during school.

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